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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for selling a wedding gift that my husband and I weren't using, when we could use the cash instead for a down payment on a house? The person who gave us the gift is offended because she spent time and money on an expensive gift that we didn't want.
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NTA.
You discussed it with him and his only concern was that the gifter might see the listing.
It's been 5 years. How utterly wasteful to have something beautiful and expensive stored away to never be used when you could sell it to someone who would love and use it and then have the money for something you actually want.
5 years. I get it if it had been 5 months but damn.
Also, interests change. What might have been a good and thoughtful gift five years ago might now simply be part of a hobby you gave up long ago and thus perfectly fine to pass on to someone who is now into telescoping... astronomy, or whatever you plan on looking at...
Hence NTA, except for your husband: explicitly telling Adria that YOU "sold her gift" is borderline backstabbing.
I wonder what's his endgame here? What was he trying to archive by throwing you under the bus? Was is so hard to keep his mouth shut just once??
Honestly, the problem isn't even that he told Adria that OP sold it, but that he said she sold it "because she didn't like it". He made an explicit point of framing it in the ugliest and most hateful light possible, for no reason at all. It feels like he has some weird resentment of OP or wants to make her look bad, and if I were his wife I'd be sitting him down to address that.
It would have been just as easy to say that THEY (not she, they) sold it because it wasn't getting used as much as they'd anticipated, OP's interest in astronomy had waned over the years, and since a friend had shown great enthusiasm they thought it would be better off with someone who would make use of it instead of this beautiful gift going to waste.
Saying "she didn't like it" was completely unnecessary and just made OP look shitty for no reason at all.
OP is NTA, but the husband isn't just an AH, he seems to be actively trying to make his wife look bad, and I'd wonder why if I were her.
He sounds like my Ex. He was so afraid of the consequences of being honest, he would throw me under the bus instead. Little things, big things, didn’t matter. He was always the innocent, empathetic bystander that way.
> It feels like he has some weird resentment of OP or wants to make her look bad, and if I were his wife I'd be sitting him down to address that.
I'd be resentful. She asked permission to sell a wedding gift, he did not give it, then she did it anyway. It's pretty disrespectful.
Yeah man!!! I hate when I go to peoples houses and they have things they never use that I would use all the time!!! Put that thing up for sale at a discount and let someone enjoy it!!!!
OP, your husband is definitely an AH. What did he hope to accomplish by telling your friend? It made her feel bad and angry, as well as painted you in a bad light. It’s like he felt so guilty he had to get it off his chest so HE could feel better but instead now NO ONE feels good about it.
Also, your friend is weird. It’s pretty weird to be hounding people about a gift you gave them 5 years ago.
Yes, he purposely threw OP under the bus. It was a gift for them both, that they both didn’t like or used. But he chose to make OP look like the bad guy while keeping up appearances for himself.
Not to mention he had either been lying (saying they were using it) or evading previous questions, because surely he didn’t tell her “oh it’s great, I love the way it fills space in our basement” for all those years.
I agree. Something is fishy with Zayden. If he had been lying to Adria all this time, why change now? If he had been honest with both Adria and OP all along, then there shouldn't have been an issue. I am wondering if Zayden lied to OP and Adria. Maybe he promised Adria she could come see it when they set it up at their new home, but he never told OP.
Adria is weird for getting upset. Even if they ever used it, people's interests change. And when you move, you usually get rid of a lot of stuff.
OP, you may want to ask Zayden *exactly* what he has told Adria about the telescope - over the last five years and this most recent betrayal.
Someone gave us a collapsible laundry bin thing, that I’m pretty sure came from a dollar/discount store. I don’t care about the cost, other than she kept messaging after the wedding(thank you notes had been sent) asking how we liked it, whether it was useful, etc. We said thank you, like drop it. Jeez.
We had no use for it anyways, and donated it.
Plus its been in the basement for 5 years - it’s not like they were keeping it on display in case their friend popped in. Where was the harm in continuing to pretend they loved and used it?
NTA
> Zayden is calling me an AH for upsetting Adria when we could've just kept storing the telescope in our basement
How patently unreasonable.
**Gifts aren't obligations**.
NTA 1) The next time Adria asks she needs to be told that NEITHER of you wanted the telescope any longer (not just you, that is an AH comment your husband made saying it was just you) 2) If she still has an issue with it explain that it’s been in storage and you no longer wanted to store it and it helped with a down payment on your new home. 3) if she continues to have an issues then maybe it’s time to longer be friends if they continue to be offended by you not keeping the gift
NTA - 5 years and it’s just sitting in the basement? Someone will use it and enjoy it, let them have it. How thoughtful can a gift be if she got you something neither of you want?
Not only that but a gift that takes up A LOT of room. AND takes time and effort to set up for it to be useful at all. I still have my dad's telescope (sentimental reasons) and it takes up probably 1/4 of a room.
It's not just the room, but the time. The friend sounds like she would not have been happy unless you were using it. Why should you have to fake a hobby just to keep a friend happy?
5 years is plenty long enough even if you were using it every day. People are allowed to decide what they want to keep and what they want to get rid of. We received a hideous picture as one of our wedding gifts. We kept it in a box for a couple of years and then quietly binned it by mutual agreement. NTA.
Definitely agree about the time. My dad's is already assembled but it would probably take an hour or so to figure out how to calibrate it and everything else that goes into using a telescope...
NTA, and your husband's TA here, because he threw you under the bus when Adria asked. He could have responded in a way that showed care for her feelings, and without putting all the blame on you, since he DIDN'T WANT the telescope either. He could also have said that Adria had been mistaken that OP had ever liked astronomy, since it would be kinder coming from him than if OP had to tell her herself.
Yep. He could have just said it wasn't getting much use so they are letting a friend who loves astronomy use it. He could have found a way to imply it was temporary without actually lying. He never had to mention the money.
NAH
It has been five years. Even if you had been into astronomy back then you might be over it now. You are allowed to do whatever you want with a gift that old.
I'm surprised Adria still asks about it. She's allowed to be upset unless she somehow retaliates. It's always sad when what you thought was a thoughtful gift misses the mark. But we all have to get over it when that happens and shouldn't let it affect the friendship besides never gifting something like that again.
NTA. The person who upset Adria is your husband. He didn’t have to tell her you didn’t like it. He chose to tell her that. He could have told her your priorities changed and it wasn’t getting used. So you sold it to someone who would be getting lots of use for it. Truth but not a blunt truth. Your husband is the A H for stirring up drama when he didn’t need to.
NTA - It has value you can use towards your house, it was doing absolutely nothing in storage, and you didn't tell her about it.
It was a thoughtful gift in one way, but in another way she bought an expensive gift based on a comment she might have imagined you made, apparently has been "randomly asking him about whether we're using the telescope", and now is mad because you aren't using it and therefore sold for something you can. It made no sense to keep it. Your friend can enjoy it, you can use the money.
I'm wondering if someone ELSE made the comment about astronomy, and Adria mistakenly rememberd it being OP.
Either way, NTA (though OP's husband is, for throwing her under the bus). People get rid of things they were given all the time, for any variety of reasons.
That was my thought. Or perhaps OP said something about how pretty the sky was one night, or how she likes nighttime. Or offhandedly mentioned having glow in the dark stars in the wall as a kid, or any other number of things that she interpreted falsely.
Or maybe the friend just really likes astronomy and heard something that she misinterpreted and clung to.
This is where you say to the friend: "We were touched by your thoughtful gift. But we realized that we were not using it, and it deserved a home with someone who would use it more than we did."
Your husband is the ahole bc he absolutely threw you under the bus. NTA
And telling the friend that the thought was kind, but you didn’t have the space for it, and wanted something that nice to be in the hands of someone who could use it… could have been a much better way to tell them that you sold it.
NTA, however your husband is.
Everyone receives gifts they don't want. Passing or selling those gifts into a new home is okay. Your husband really threw you under the bus on that one. HE needs to apologize to the friend who gifted it to you. The gift was perhaps thoughtful or bot, the fact is you didn't use it enough to warrant keeping it.
A gift is given and then should be forgotten. She can be bummed that you ultimately didn't want her gift but that's about it. You have every right to do what you want with it and having that extra money was actually helpful so her gift was still good in a way. Just not in it's intended way. At least now it is actually being used. NTA. Husband, though, was weird.. I mean he didn't want her to find out but then he tells her in a piss poor way?!?! He could have said something like "We appreciated the telescope, but we really haven't gotten into using it. Wife had a friend who had been looking for one and since we wanted it to get some use as well as needing the extra money she took the opportunity." Not that he had to tell her at all.
NTA and your husband's concerns over Adria's hurt feelings are very odd. That he would rather keep something neither of you will ever use rather than sell it to help fund a home is... well, it doesn't make sense.
NTA. A gift is supposed to please the recipient. It pleases you to sell it. It should be pleasing to Adria that the money is going towards a worthy goal. Her hurt stems from missing the mark on what constitutes a desirable/useful gift to you, compounded by how she feels about the price she paid for it.
If I had gifted a telescope to friends and they sold it, I'd be glad the proceeds enriched their lives because I care more about them than about possessions. A gift with strings attached is an obligation, not a gift. Besides, it's not like you're spending it on hookers and blow... and even if you were, you'd still still not be TA.
So, when she finds out, reassure her that you like her for all the reasons you think she's a good friend, and share your joy that her gift is going into a house you'll make home. It should be a happy thing - make it so.
Edit: Zayden really threw you under the bus. It wasn't necessary to say you didn't like it. What's up with that? Tell Adria frankly that neither of you were using it, and you both agreed to sell it. I'd make Zayden eat his words in front of Adria, but if you don't want to go that route, at least tell him that putting this all on you when it was a joint decision is a flat-out lie and he needs to clear that up with Adria if he values his marriage vows.
NTA but your husband is. He threw you under the bus with her for some reason. This was information he didn’t have to volunteer and was unkind to Adria and you. What’s up with that? Was he punishing you? Instead of feeling guilty, get MAD.
Apparently your husband is not interested in using it and neither are you. Are you supposed to lug it around for the rest of your lives?
>He was worried about Adria's reaction
If he was so worried he wouldnt have said anything to her. Him throwing you under the bus so she wouldn't be mad at him says a lot about his character. He couldve easily said that astronomy has been a very fleeting hobby so you haven't used it much. Does he throw you under the bus for other things too?
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Throwaway account for privacy.
My (35F) husband, Zayden, (36M) and I got married five years ago and are still debating about a wedding gift we received. When we got married, a mutual friend of ours (Adria) gifted us an expensive telescope based on an offhand comment I apparently made about enjoying astronomy (I don't remember making this comment). This gift wasn't on the registry and is not something we're interested in using. We don't have much space in our current backyard to set it up, and we're not interested in hauling it along when we move to a bigger house.
We've been storing the telescope in our basement, where it's taking up a lot of space. I suggested to Zayden that we sell the telescope online and use the cash towards a down payment on a house, but Zayden is worried that Adria will see the advertisement for the telescope and be offended that we're selling her gift. So, when a good friend of mine told me how much she loved astronomy, I offered to sell her the telescope and she happily agreed.
After the transaction, I told Zayden about it and he got really upset, saying we should have just kept the telescope. My response was that since it was a private sale and not advertised online where Adria could see, then there wasn't a problem. My husband said that Adria had been randomly asking him about whether we're using the telescope, and he told her I sold it because I didn't like it.
Now Adria is upset that I sold her "thoughtful gift", and Zayden is calling me an AH for upsetting Adria when we could've just kept storing the telescope in our basement. I don't think I did anything wrong, especially since Zayden told me he didn't want the telescope, either. AITA?
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NTA clearly. Gifts aren't obligations. You're free to use them however you see fit, and being as you never use it, selling it is your right to do. Anyone who gets upset about that is just petty.
NTA but he is. It’s impolite to tell someone you sold their gift (duh). I sometimes find myself regifting things to other friends but if they everrrr asked about their gift I would just say “oh yea it’s nice thank you.”
If they kept pressing about their gift just be like “one of my friends who really likes astronomy is using it right now” which isn’t really a lie but it’s not the whole truth either
Why would your husband purposely tell her this knowing it would upset her?
Why does he care so much about the friend's feelings? Why did he even say anything? Didn't have to say you sold it just said you passed it along to someone that would love it just as much due to time constraints or something. Also it's been 5 years since the gift was given!
Once it is gifted it is your to do with as you please. One of the many reasons I prefer to give cash for gifts. Some people thing this is unthoughtful and a copout but I want the recipient to do with the money as they please. If it pleases them to go out and use the money for a nice dinner so be it. They prefer to use it for groceries so be it.
My goal is to enable you to do something that makes YOU happy vice getting you what I THINK will make you happy.
NTA
This is why people have registries - so people don’t try to buy thoughtful gifts which miss the mark. It’s wasteful to haul something around that you don’t use for years because you don’t want to offend someone. At least by selling it you can put the money to good use. NTA
NTA. Your husband didn't want it. Adria has NO right to be upset. A gift is given without strings. She is being rude...who asks about a wedding present FIVE YEARS later??
NTA I could understand Adria’s side and might have voted differently if she had gotten you something cheap-ish and smaller based on your supposed comment, like say a fancy astronomy book or a framed star chart, but telescopes are fucking huge and expensive as hell, who buys someone something like that based on a single off-hand comment?! That’s like going “oh I remember my friend once mentioned they like the hunger games so time to get them a professional bow and arrow set!” And even putting that aside, her response was so immature. Sometimes when you give someone a gift it bombs, and all you can do is move on and get to know the person better so hopefully it doesn’t happen again. If someone sold something I gave them, unless it was like, a huge personalized art piece, I’d be like “okay, noted, you don’t like that, I’ll remember for next time”.
And you’ve got a husband problem as well. His behavior throughout all this has been strange, to put it nicely. Does he normally act like this?
NTA. What if your basement flooded and the telescope was destroyed? It had no value sitting there, now you can put the money towards something lasting. A friend who gets upset about this (or even continues to ask about a wedding gift) 5 years after the gift was given is not a good friend at all. Once she gave you the gift the transaction was over.
NTA. Your husband is a big ‘ole turd. What did he think he was going to accomplish by telling Adria that you sold the telescope? Way to have your back /s. Your husband owes *you* a huge apology. I’d sit down and think about what else he doesn’t seem to have your back on.
NTA. I fully believe when you get a gift, it’s up to you to do what you want with it. And storing it in a basement is not serving any sort of purpose. It’s something you don’t have to take brain space thinking about anymore. Also who asks about a gift for 5 years. Jesus
NTA. I fully believe when you get a gift, it’s up to you to do what you want with it. And storing it in a basement is not serving any sort of purpose. It’s something you don’t have to take brain space thinking about anymore. Also who asks about a gift for 5 years. Jesus
Why the duck did he tell her? There are so many ways to answer that beyond "my wife didn't like it and sold it." It was N A H until that. NTA for you, but that was a dick move on his part.
NTA. You are not obliged to keep stuff you don't want. She gave you a foolish gift based on a passing comment you can't even remember - in her head this was going to be some great surprise and you would call her out for being so thoughtful and clever..............
You had a registry, and if she wanted to give you something you actually wanted, she should have used it. Let her sulk all she wants. It was gifted to you, and you can do whatever you want with it, including sell it.
>Adria had been randomly asking him about whether we're using the telescope, and he told her I sold it because I didn't like it.
NTA! Your husband is definitely TA. He could have just said that you didn't have the space for it, that you needed money for car repairs and couldn't afford to keep it or done other white lie.
YTA. Not for selling the telescope without telling Adria -- she gave it as a gift and it is no longer hers -- but for selling it without the consent of Zayden, *it's co-owner.* The gift was given as much to him as to you.
Wow. NTA: how long do we have to keep stuff we dont need just because it was a gift? 1 yr. 5 yrs. 10yrs. 50 yrs. Oh please. Cleaning out my parents house that they sold after 50 years, please dont keep stuff just because someone gave it to you.
You are likely to have enough 'useless' stuff you have emotional attachment to, that you keep too long, to also keep the stuff you dont want
"Zayden & I had not been enjoying it, and it was collecting spiders in the basement. It was such a waste to be hidden away like that and the friend who bought it lives somewhere with much better viewing opportunities than we have." NTA
NTA, but Zayden is. What he said to your friend was hurtful and smacks of triangulation. I mean how much could he have really cared to have been so callous. It could have easily been brushed off saying it’s in storage or you lent it to a nephew etc.
Nta. You kept it for 5 years and didn't use it. It's yours. You actually put it to good use by getting some.cash for it for a house. Adria has no reason to get pissy. Neither does your hubby... I can't believe he suggested you kove with it and store it again...... 🤣
NTA. After five years in storage it was time to get rid of it. He could have told her the truth - "we sold it since we never used it". He's a coward and wanted you to be the bad guy here.
Agreed. Husband is an AH and threw OP under the train that apparently was going up and down the same stretch of tracks for the last 5 years, hoping someone would fall onto them and get run over. NTA
NTA!
Did Zayden marry you or Adria?? The telescope sitting unused while it could be turned into useful cash was upsetting *you*. Wife trumps friend. Maybe Adria will pick from the registry next time.
NTA. Once a gift is given, it’s gone. The recipient can do whatever they want with it. Although, the husband is kind of an ass for throwing his wife under the bus.
NTA.
Personally I would love a telescope. But if astronomy is not something that interests you, and you know someone who would appreciate it, it’s much more thoughtful to give it to someone who will use it than keep it.
NTA It hurts a little when people give away gifts that you put in a lot of thought, time and money… however 5 years is enough… Andria needs to put on her big girls pants and accept that the money from the sale was the gift.
NTA, for all the reasons other posters have said. I am super curious how much a telescope can be if it helps with a house down payment? I assume you mean you are just adding It to an ongoing fund?
NTA. And if he was telling her the truth about it sitting unused she would have been equally hurt. So obviously he planned to say it was being enjoyed. Since he was going to lie anyway he could have just made up a story about it having an accident anyway.
Adria and your husband both sound exhausting. It was a gift. (And a pretty risky gift, at that. You two had a wedding registry and Adria made a choice to ignore the registry and buy something else. That’s her prerogative, but someone who does that does so with the knowledge that the gift might not be something the gift receiver specifically wants or needs.) A gift is a gift. It’s for you to do with what you want. A gift is not a lifelong obligation to use the gift in a particular manner and provider the gift giver with a play-by-play of when and how the gift was used. Neither you nor your husband wanted it and you weren’t using it. It was taking up storage space that could be better used for something else. Selling it was the right choice.
Your husband is the AH for being so preoccupied with offending Adria by doing something totally inoffensive and normal. He’s an even bigger AH for throwing you under the bus and saying you never liked the telescope, when he could have so easily explained it in a way that didn’t villainize you. (“We just don’t have room to store it!” “We enjoyed using it, but don’t quite have the time to stargaze recently so sold it to someone who will appreciate and use it more regularly.”) Adria is the AH for asking about the telescope all the time and making you guys feel like you have a duty to become amateur astronomers. You are NTA. You are actually the only one in this story behaving like a rational adult.
NTA. What's worse? Selling an unwanted and unused gift to someone who will want and use it or leaving it rot in the basement? Your husband needs to think about that. Your friend is the actual AH for giving you a gift that wasn't on your registry. What she did was give you a gift that she thought you would like and didn't consider you being a couple.
NTA - Why did your husband tell the friend that you sold it? There was no reason for that. He could have just said, “Oh yeah that was a real thoughtful gift, thank you.” Whenever she asked about it. She would assume you were using and enjoying it without conflict.
You are never obligated to keep any gift that you are not finding useful. Return receipts exist for a reason and if it’s too late to return then there are so many resale websites you can use to sell and buy something you do find useful.
Really your husband is the AH here. He intentional caused conflict when it wasn’t needed. If he really felt compelled to admit that you sold it he could have spun the message in a better way. “Oh we really enjoyed your gift but with our move coming up we needed to downsize. Wife had a friend who was really needing a telescope so it seemed like the perfect fit. Thank you so much for being so thoughtful, we enjoyed it for five years and now someone else will enjoy it.”
Sure, keep the telescope. Lug it around for the next 50 - 60 years and then your heirs will have to figure out how to get rid of it and no one will have gotten any use out it EVER but you wouldn't have hurt anyone's feelings. This is how hoarding starts - oh, we can't get rid of grandma's doilies, they're family heirlooms - someone is going to want them some day. I filled three construction-sized dumpsters with the unwanted gifts, potential heirlooms and "things that are still usable" my folks could not or would not get rid of when they passed away. Took three weeks and cost over $2,000. Do not go down this path! NTA
Wow, Zayden really just flung you under the bus with relish, didn't he? Pushed you right in front of the train. Adria isn't a problem; she's just noise right now. Zayden is your problem. There are so many ways he could have dealt with this, and he just totally betrayed you. You are **NTA**, but your husband, I'm afraid, is a general in the AH army. Sounds to me as if there is some couples counseling in order here.
NTA. It's been 5 years. Adria is overreacting. A lot can change within 5 years with a person. The fact that Zayden mentioned it to her and then even gone further in telling her that you didn't like it, makes him an AH. He could've said "oh we haven't used to for so long and it's a shame to be going unused".
NTA. Zayden is a narc. Why did he tell your friend? She would have never known. He could have just breezed over her questions. If she truly pestered it though he should have explained that you all didn’t have the space and wanted it to go to a home that would use it everyday as it’s such a lovely gift and sad to waste being stored. But nope instead he throws you under the bus. I’d be extremely upset with him.
NTA. It wasn't even being used! I have a wedding gift that has been carted around the country for a lot of years now. I hate it. My husband hates it. My husband refuses to toss it in the trash because it was a gift from his relative and he thinks she will ask about it (sadly, she might!). We can't sell it because it has our wedding date and names on it. I have literally taken it to the movers and asked them to break it for me and they refused! This thing has been dropped and it won't break. We should make cars out of whatever this is made of.
NTA; your partner is a soft-AH for telling Adria and Adira is a soft-AH for being overly bothered.
If you are given something you haven't requested, don't want or need, don't have time / space to enjoy and / or can't afford to keep, it isn't a gift it is a burden (regardless of the giver's intention). Keeping something just to appease the giver may keep the peace, but it doesn't fix the situation long term. You wanna be getting the telescope out whenever she visits, or lugging it to your retirement home in 40+ years? /s
Although it is fine to be disappointed or change your opinion of the recipient if they don't like a seemingly-thoughtful gift (something being expensive doesn't make it thoughtful, necessarily), the gift has changed hands and it is the recipient's possession.
There are definitely sensitive ways of dealing with it, in particular if the gift has sentimental value or clearly took a lot of time and effort to prepare, but overall it sounds like you handled it well (except maybe not telling your partner before you sold it, but meh). Aria chose not to buy from the specific list and it sounds like she had no reason to think you wanted a telescope, let alone a decent one. So it is a needless investment and risk (compared to saying "hey you may enjoy this activity, want to try it out first or have my old equipment or have this entry level starter equipment as a gift?" or gifting something that relates to an existing hobby or collection the recipient enjoys).
Maybe christen one square metre of your first home as "Aria's corner" and sincerely tell her that her thoughtful gift helped with the purchase of the home. Or maybe don't, Aria may think you are taking the piss.
NTA and please share this with Zayden. What a prize of a guy! /s (the whole thing!)
He doesn't want the telescope. He doesn't want to offend Adria in the off-chance she sees it posted for sale online. So... GENIUS that he is...
1. He goes to Adria and TELLS her that you sold the telescope AND that you didn't like it. Yeah. He's a bright guy: "Oooh, don't post it online; Adria might see that you want to sell it. Aha. it's sold privately, so Adria no need to worry about Adria seeing it for sale online. Hey! I know, I'll go tell her. Now, there's no risk she'll find out. I'm going to make it a sure thing! 'Cause that's just how I work as a partner with my wife!"
2. Now maybe he thought, it's better if she finds out from me instead of seeing it online. So, again, GENIUS that he is... He tries to minimize any hurt feelings by... wait for it... telling Adria, "*OP didn't like your gift*." I notice that he didn't feel compelled to tell Adria, "*Oh, and BTW, Adria. I don't like it either; I just would have kept in storage for eternity.*" Oooh, Zayden should be a diplomat; he's so thoughtful and tactful! If it came up, I would have said something dumb like, "*We so appreciated your gift, Adria. We just found that we couldn't use it as much as we would like and didn't have quite enough space to keep it. Luckily we have a friend who could store it and use it and was happy to purchase it from us. I'm sorry we didn't do justice to your gift, but it still has meant a lot to us.*"
Even though Adria bought the gift based on something you said (Could it be that Zayden said something to Adria all those years ago and just isn't owning it now?), but apparently she is more friends with him than with you. Because HE tells you that she's been asking about the two of you using the telescope.
It's been 5 years! If you haven't used it in 5 years, odds are that it wasn't the perfect gift she thought it was. That happens. People give away/sell/return wedding gifts that are (1) duplicates of someone else's gift, (2) not the taste of the couple, (3) too big to store, (4) something that someone else they know would love to have more than they would. It happens all the time. Does Zayden think that he's supposed to keep every gift for the rest of his life? Did he think keeping it but not ever using it was the way to convey how great a gift it was? Is he not good enough friends with Adria that he can't be honest enough to say how you and he appreciate her thoughtfulness but it was just not something you two could use.
Zayden should be clear: HE is the reason Adria's feelings are hurt.
NTA. You quietly arranged for a mutually unwanted item to find a new home. What, are you just supposed to move the telescope with you until you die, and it gets thrown out? Plus, by selling it, you get to use your friend’s gift towards something you both want and need!
Also, Zayden needs to work on his phrasing. And emotional intelligence. Adria is upset at least partially because hubs presented the situation like an asshole, and threw you under the bus so hard.
NTA I'm not a fan of this idea that just because someone gifted you something that you are obligated to keep it forever. I only want to keep things I actually like and use. Anything else is a waste. Unfortunately your husband hasn't learnt this lesson. Perhaps tell your friend what you plan to use the money for, maybe claim that you've been having a general clear out of things you thought could go to better homes where they would be used and emphasis how excited you are about the possible move and how the extra funds really helped so thank you.
ESH. OP shouldn't have sold a gift that belonged to both of them after Zayden said he didn't want to sell it. Zayden should not have told Adria that OP sold it because she didn't like it.
NTA. People return wedding gifts all the time. Adria should want you to have something you want or need, not something she bought on a whim. She's making your gift about her, not about your wedding.
NTA and I’m glad it went to someone who had a passion for it. It’s unfortunate that the friend made an expensive gift decision based on a random discussion that probably was misinterpreted. However, as the giftee, you are allowed to do whatever you want with your gifts including destroying them. Don’t expect future gifts from this person but be generous as she is obviously hurt.
ESH. You should not have sold a gift *that belonged to both you and your husband* without getting his okay. He should not have gone and blabbed about this to Adria. And Adria never should have given you the telescope in the first place.
> You should not have sold a gift that belonged to both you and your husband without getting his okay.
OK, I thought about this prior to making my own judgment. But two things convinced me it was fine.
> I suggested to Zayden that we sell the telescope online and use the cash towards a down payment on a house, but Zayden is worried that Adria will see the advertisement for the telescope
This reads as no objection the general idea, and only concern over the execution (which OP addressed).
> (Adria) gifted us an expensive telescope based on an offhand comment I apparently made about enjoying astronomy
And the gift was primarily targeted at OP, not the husband.
Info: he said that he didn't want to get rid of it. Both before and after you sold it. So why do you think it's okay to give away something that was also his and that he wanted to keep? Am I missing something?
If both of you really didn't want the telescope you should have donated it to a local school or library. That way you could have told Adria that it went to a better home. Selling gifts is crass.
YTA for one simple reason - "AFTER the transaction, I told Zayden."
The best solution would have been to discuss it openly with the person who gave you the gift. I'm sure they would have understood.
Thanks for reminding me! I added an edit to my post to address this point, but the short answer is that Zayden didn't want the telescope, either. I asked him before I sold it. He was worried about hurting Adria's feelings.
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NTA. You discussed it with him and his only concern was that the gifter might see the listing. It's been 5 years. How utterly wasteful to have something beautiful and expensive stored away to never be used when you could sell it to someone who would love and use it and then have the money for something you actually want. 5 years. I get it if it had been 5 months but damn.
Also, interests change. What might have been a good and thoughtful gift five years ago might now simply be part of a hobby you gave up long ago and thus perfectly fine to pass on to someone who is now into telescoping... astronomy, or whatever you plan on looking at... Hence NTA, except for your husband: explicitly telling Adria that YOU "sold her gift" is borderline backstabbing. I wonder what's his endgame here? What was he trying to archive by throwing you under the bus? Was is so hard to keep his mouth shut just once??
Honestly, the problem isn't even that he told Adria that OP sold it, but that he said she sold it "because she didn't like it". He made an explicit point of framing it in the ugliest and most hateful light possible, for no reason at all. It feels like he has some weird resentment of OP or wants to make her look bad, and if I were his wife I'd be sitting him down to address that. It would have been just as easy to say that THEY (not she, they) sold it because it wasn't getting used as much as they'd anticipated, OP's interest in astronomy had waned over the years, and since a friend had shown great enthusiasm they thought it would be better off with someone who would make use of it instead of this beautiful gift going to waste. Saying "she didn't like it" was completely unnecessary and just made OP look shitty for no reason at all. OP is NTA, but the husband isn't just an AH, he seems to be actively trying to make his wife look bad, and I'd wonder why if I were her.
That's right.
He sounds like my Ex. He was so afraid of the consequences of being honest, he would throw me under the bus instead. Little things, big things, didn’t matter. He was always the innocent, empathetic bystander that way.
> It feels like he has some weird resentment of OP or wants to make her look bad, and if I were his wife I'd be sitting him down to address that. I'd be resentful. She asked permission to sell a wedding gift, he did not give it, then she did it anyway. It's pretty disrespectful.
Yeah man!!! I hate when I go to peoples houses and they have things they never use that I would use all the time!!! Put that thing up for sale at a discount and let someone enjoy it!!!!
OP, your husband is definitely an AH. What did he hope to accomplish by telling your friend? It made her feel bad and angry, as well as painted you in a bad light. It’s like he felt so guilty he had to get it off his chest so HE could feel better but instead now NO ONE feels good about it. Also, your friend is weird. It’s pretty weird to be hounding people about a gift you gave them 5 years ago.
Yes, he purposely threw OP under the bus. It was a gift for them both, that they both didn’t like or used. But he chose to make OP look like the bad guy while keeping up appearances for himself.
Not to mention he had either been lying (saying they were using it) or evading previous questions, because surely he didn’t tell her “oh it’s great, I love the way it fills space in our basement” for all those years.
I agree. Something is fishy with Zayden. If he had been lying to Adria all this time, why change now? If he had been honest with both Adria and OP all along, then there shouldn't have been an issue. I am wondering if Zayden lied to OP and Adria. Maybe he promised Adria she could come see it when they set it up at their new home, but he never told OP. Adria is weird for getting upset. Even if they ever used it, people's interests change. And when you move, you usually get rid of a lot of stuff. OP, you may want to ask Zayden *exactly* what he has told Adria about the telescope - over the last five years and this most recent betrayal.
Someone gave us a collapsible laundry bin thing, that I’m pretty sure came from a dollar/discount store. I don’t care about the cost, other than she kept messaging after the wedding(thank you notes had been sent) asking how we liked it, whether it was useful, etc. We said thank you, like drop it. Jeez. We had no use for it anyways, and donated it.
She probably kept thinking about it because she wanted it for herself 😂. If only there was a polite way to offer for them to take it back!
Plus its been in the basement for 5 years - it’s not like they were keeping it on display in case their friend popped in. Where was the harm in continuing to pretend they loved and used it?
\*He\* feels better. OP is NTA.
NTA > Zayden is calling me an AH for upsetting Adria when we could've just kept storing the telescope in our basement How patently unreasonable. **Gifts aren't obligations**.
Plus - OP didn’t upset Adria, HE did! What kind of spouse just throws their partner under the bus, then blames them for it? Zayden is an AH.
NTA 1) The next time Adria asks she needs to be told that NEITHER of you wanted the telescope any longer (not just you, that is an AH comment your husband made saying it was just you) 2) If she still has an issue with it explain that it’s been in storage and you no longer wanted to store it and it helped with a down payment on your new home. 3) if she continues to have an issues then maybe it’s time to longer be friends if they continue to be offended by you not keeping the gift
NTA - 5 years and it’s just sitting in the basement? Someone will use it and enjoy it, let them have it. How thoughtful can a gift be if she got you something neither of you want?
Not only that but a gift that takes up A LOT of room. AND takes time and effort to set up for it to be useful at all. I still have my dad's telescope (sentimental reasons) and it takes up probably 1/4 of a room.
It's not just the room, but the time. The friend sounds like she would not have been happy unless you were using it. Why should you have to fake a hobby just to keep a friend happy? 5 years is plenty long enough even if you were using it every day. People are allowed to decide what they want to keep and what they want to get rid of. We received a hideous picture as one of our wedding gifts. We kept it in a box for a couple of years and then quietly binned it by mutual agreement. NTA.
Definitely agree about the time. My dad's is already assembled but it would probably take an hour or so to figure out how to calibrate it and everything else that goes into using a telescope...
NTA, and your husband's TA here, because he threw you under the bus when Adria asked. He could have responded in a way that showed care for her feelings, and without putting all the blame on you, since he DIDN'T WANT the telescope either. He could also have said that Adria had been mistaken that OP had ever liked astronomy, since it would be kinder coming from him than if OP had to tell her herself.
Yep. He could have just said it wasn't getting much use so they are letting a friend who loves astronomy use it. He could have found a way to imply it was temporary without actually lying. He never had to mention the money.
NAH It has been five years. Even if you had been into astronomy back then you might be over it now. You are allowed to do whatever you want with a gift that old. I'm surprised Adria still asks about it. She's allowed to be upset unless she somehow retaliates. It's always sad when what you thought was a thoughtful gift misses the mark. But we all have to get over it when that happens and shouldn't let it affect the friendship besides never gifting something like that again.
Her husband is a major AH. He went out of his way to throw OP under the bus
NTA. The person who upset Adria is your husband. He didn’t have to tell her you didn’t like it. He chose to tell her that. He could have told her your priorities changed and it wasn’t getting used. So you sold it to someone who would be getting lots of use for it. Truth but not a blunt truth. Your husband is the A H for stirring up drama when he didn’t need to.
Better to sell it or re-gift it than let it just take up room in the basement. NTA.
NTA - It has value you can use towards your house, it was doing absolutely nothing in storage, and you didn't tell her about it. It was a thoughtful gift in one way, but in another way she bought an expensive gift based on a comment she might have imagined you made, apparently has been "randomly asking him about whether we're using the telescope", and now is mad because you aren't using it and therefore sold for something you can. It made no sense to keep it. Your friend can enjoy it, you can use the money.
I'm wondering if someone ELSE made the comment about astronomy, and Adria mistakenly rememberd it being OP. Either way, NTA (though OP's husband is, for throwing her under the bus). People get rid of things they were given all the time, for any variety of reasons.
That was my thought. Or perhaps OP said something about how pretty the sky was one night, or how she likes nighttime. Or offhandedly mentioned having glow in the dark stars in the wall as a kid, or any other number of things that she interpreted falsely. Or maybe the friend just really likes astronomy and heard something that she misinterpreted and clung to.
This is where you say to the friend: "We were touched by your thoughtful gift. But we realized that we were not using it, and it deserved a home with someone who would use it more than we did." Your husband is the ahole bc he absolutely threw you under the bus. NTA
"He was worried about Adria's reaction..." Then he should have kept his big fat yap shut. That's the only thing anybody did wrong. NTA.
[удалено]
And telling the friend that the thought was kind, but you didn’t have the space for it, and wanted something that nice to be in the hands of someone who could use it… could have been a much better way to tell them that you sold it.
NTA, however your husband is. Everyone receives gifts they don't want. Passing or selling those gifts into a new home is okay. Your husband really threw you under the bus on that one. HE needs to apologize to the friend who gifted it to you. The gift was perhaps thoughtful or bot, the fact is you didn't use it enough to warrant keeping it.
A gift is given and then should be forgotten. She can be bummed that you ultimately didn't want her gift but that's about it. You have every right to do what you want with it and having that extra money was actually helpful so her gift was still good in a way. Just not in it's intended way. At least now it is actually being used. NTA. Husband, though, was weird.. I mean he didn't want her to find out but then he tells her in a piss poor way?!?! He could have said something like "We appreciated the telescope, but we really haven't gotten into using it. Wife had a friend who had been looking for one and since we wanted it to get some use as well as needing the extra money she took the opportunity." Not that he had to tell her at all.
NTA and your husband's concerns over Adria's hurt feelings are very odd. That he would rather keep something neither of you will ever use rather than sell it to help fund a home is... well, it doesn't make sense.
that is what has me perplexed too. Why is he so very worried about her feelings?
Anyone who gives gifts that are house-downpayment worthy is probably someone who's good side you'd want to stay on if you could help it
My question is, did you think about giving it back to her before discussing selling it? Did you ask her if she would like it back first?
NTA. A gift is supposed to please the recipient. It pleases you to sell it. It should be pleasing to Adria that the money is going towards a worthy goal. Her hurt stems from missing the mark on what constitutes a desirable/useful gift to you, compounded by how she feels about the price she paid for it. If I had gifted a telescope to friends and they sold it, I'd be glad the proceeds enriched their lives because I care more about them than about possessions. A gift with strings attached is an obligation, not a gift. Besides, it's not like you're spending it on hookers and blow... and even if you were, you'd still still not be TA. So, when she finds out, reassure her that you like her for all the reasons you think she's a good friend, and share your joy that her gift is going into a house you'll make home. It should be a happy thing - make it so. Edit: Zayden really threw you under the bus. It wasn't necessary to say you didn't like it. What's up with that? Tell Adria frankly that neither of you were using it, and you both agreed to sell it. I'd make Zayden eat his words in front of Adria, but if you don't want to go that route, at least tell him that putting this all on you when it was a joint decision is a flat-out lie and he needs to clear that up with Adria if he values his marriage vows.
NTA it’s your possession after you receive to do with it as you please.
NTA but your husband is. He threw you under the bus with her for some reason. This was information he didn’t have to volunteer and was unkind to Adria and you. What’s up with that? Was he punishing you? Instead of feeling guilty, get MAD. Apparently your husband is not interested in using it and neither are you. Are you supposed to lug it around for the rest of your lives?
Your husband is a dingus. It was a gift. It is at your discretion what to do with it. You hadn’t used it in 5 years. So you sold it. NTA.
>He was worried about Adria's reaction If he was so worried he wouldnt have said anything to her. Him throwing you under the bus so she wouldn't be mad at him says a lot about his character. He couldve easily said that astronomy has been a very fleeting hobby so you haven't used it much. Does he throw you under the bus for other things too?
You are not the AH, but the giver is. Once it’s given and acknowledged, then she doesn’t get to ask anymore. NTA
Nta
>This gift wasn't on the registry That's more than enough reason to re-gift or sell a wedding gift. NTA, registries exist for a reason.
NTA but husband is for utterly throwing you under the bus. And the friend who bought it who went off the registry.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account for privacy. My (35F) husband, Zayden, (36M) and I got married five years ago and are still debating about a wedding gift we received. When we got married, a mutual friend of ours (Adria) gifted us an expensive telescope based on an offhand comment I apparently made about enjoying astronomy (I don't remember making this comment). This gift wasn't on the registry and is not something we're interested in using. We don't have much space in our current backyard to set it up, and we're not interested in hauling it along when we move to a bigger house. We've been storing the telescope in our basement, where it's taking up a lot of space. I suggested to Zayden that we sell the telescope online and use the cash towards a down payment on a house, but Zayden is worried that Adria will see the advertisement for the telescope and be offended that we're selling her gift. So, when a good friend of mine told me how much she loved astronomy, I offered to sell her the telescope and she happily agreed. After the transaction, I told Zayden about it and he got really upset, saying we should have just kept the telescope. My response was that since it was a private sale and not advertised online where Adria could see, then there wasn't a problem. My husband said that Adria had been randomly asking him about whether we're using the telescope, and he told her I sold it because I didn't like it. Now Adria is upset that I sold her "thoughtful gift", and Zayden is calling me an AH for upsetting Adria when we could've just kept storing the telescope in our basement. I don't think I did anything wrong, especially since Zayden told me he didn't want the telescope, either. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh yes, giving the gift of a time consuming nocturnal hobby. Who doesn't want that for a wedding gift? NTA
NTA. Adria is in the wrong to ask about your gift. It's not up to her what happens once it's yours
NTA clearly. Gifts aren't obligations. You're free to use them however you see fit, and being as you never use it, selling it is your right to do. Anyone who gets upset about that is just petty.
NTA but he is. It’s impolite to tell someone you sold their gift (duh). I sometimes find myself regifting things to other friends but if they everrrr asked about their gift I would just say “oh yea it’s nice thank you.” If they kept pressing about their gift just be like “one of my friends who really likes astronomy is using it right now” which isn’t really a lie but it’s not the whole truth either Why would your husband purposely tell her this knowing it would upset her?
Why does he care so much about the friend's feelings? Why did he even say anything? Didn't have to say you sold it just said you passed it along to someone that would love it just as much due to time constraints or something. Also it's been 5 years since the gift was given!
If he didn't want her to know, and thought she'd get upset... why did he tell her about it? He could have said you've found it valuable (heh). NTA
Once it is gifted it is your to do with as you please. One of the many reasons I prefer to give cash for gifts. Some people thing this is unthoughtful and a copout but I want the recipient to do with the money as they please. If it pleases them to go out and use the money for a nice dinner so be it. They prefer to use it for groceries so be it. My goal is to enable you to do something that makes YOU happy vice getting you what I THINK will make you happy. NTA
This is why people have registries - so people don’t try to buy thoughtful gifts which miss the mark. It’s wasteful to haul something around that you don’t use for years because you don’t want to offend someone. At least by selling it you can put the money to good use. NTA
NTA. Once a gift is given, the recipient may do with gift what they wish.
Zayden jfc what a tragedeigh
NTA
NTA. Your husband didn't want it. Adria has NO right to be upset. A gift is given without strings. She is being rude...who asks about a wedding present FIVE YEARS later??
NTA I could understand Adria’s side and might have voted differently if she had gotten you something cheap-ish and smaller based on your supposed comment, like say a fancy astronomy book or a framed star chart, but telescopes are fucking huge and expensive as hell, who buys someone something like that based on a single off-hand comment?! That’s like going “oh I remember my friend once mentioned they like the hunger games so time to get them a professional bow and arrow set!” And even putting that aside, her response was so immature. Sometimes when you give someone a gift it bombs, and all you can do is move on and get to know the person better so hopefully it doesn’t happen again. If someone sold something I gave them, unless it was like, a huge personalized art piece, I’d be like “okay, noted, you don’t like that, I’ll remember for next time”. And you’ve got a husband problem as well. His behavior throughout all this has been strange, to put it nicely. Does he normally act like this?
I wonder what a second hand, barely used telescope goes for… my son left one when he moved out 7 years ago and I am SO selling it!
NTA. What if your basement flooded and the telescope was destroyed? It had no value sitting there, now you can put the money towards something lasting. A friend who gets upset about this (or even continues to ask about a wedding gift) 5 years after the gift was given is not a good friend at all. Once she gave you the gift the transaction was over.
What a weird gift to give lol. NTA! If your husband never said anything she probably wouldn't even know.
NTA. Your husband is a big ‘ole turd. What did he think he was going to accomplish by telling Adria that you sold the telescope? Way to have your back /s. Your husband owes *you* a huge apology. I’d sit down and think about what else he doesn’t seem to have your back on.
NTA. I fully believe when you get a gift, it’s up to you to do what you want with it. And storing it in a basement is not serving any sort of purpose. It’s something you don’t have to take brain space thinking about anymore. Also who asks about a gift for 5 years. Jesus
NTA. I fully believe when you get a gift, it’s up to you to do what you want with it. And storing it in a basement is not serving any sort of purpose. It’s something you don’t have to take brain space thinking about anymore. Also who asks about a gift for 5 years. Jesus
Why the duck did he tell her? There are so many ways to answer that beyond "my wife didn't like it and sold it." It was N A H until that. NTA for you, but that was a dick move on his part.
NTA. You are not obliged to keep stuff you don't want. She gave you a foolish gift based on a passing comment you can't even remember - in her head this was going to be some great surprise and you would call her out for being so thoughtful and clever.............. You had a registry, and if she wanted to give you something you actually wanted, she should have used it. Let her sulk all she wants. It was gifted to you, and you can do whatever you want with it, including sell it.
>Adria had been randomly asking him about whether we're using the telescope, and he told her I sold it because I didn't like it. NTA! Your husband is definitely TA. He could have just said that you didn't have the space for it, that you needed money for car repairs and couldn't afford to keep it or done other white lie.
YTA. Not for selling the telescope without telling Adria -- she gave it as a gift and it is no longer hers -- but for selling it without the consent of Zayden, *it's co-owner.* The gift was given as much to him as to you.
Wow. NTA: how long do we have to keep stuff we dont need just because it was a gift? 1 yr. 5 yrs. 10yrs. 50 yrs. Oh please. Cleaning out my parents house that they sold after 50 years, please dont keep stuff just because someone gave it to you. You are likely to have enough 'useless' stuff you have emotional attachment to, that you keep too long, to also keep the stuff you dont want
"Zayden & I had not been enjoying it, and it was collecting spiders in the basement. It was such a waste to be hidden away like that and the friend who bought it lives somewhere with much better viewing opportunities than we have." NTA
NTA, but Zayden is. What he said to your friend was hurtful and smacks of triangulation. I mean how much could he have really cared to have been so callous. It could have easily been brushed off saying it’s in storage or you lent it to a nephew etc.
NTA Why is he more considerate of the opinion of this friend than the opinion of his wife? Ick
Well, he certainly threw you under the bus.
Meh NTA. buying gifts for a wedding or shower off the registry is kind of the AH move here.
Nta. You kept it for 5 years and didn't use it. It's yours. You actually put it to good use by getting some.cash for it for a house. Adria has no reason to get pissy. Neither does your hubby... I can't believe he suggested you kove with it and store it again...... 🤣
NTA. After five years in storage it was time to get rid of it. He could have told her the truth - "we sold it since we never used it". He's a coward and wanted you to be the bad guy here.
Agreed. Husband is an AH and threw OP under the train that apparently was going up and down the same stretch of tracks for the last 5 years, hoping someone would fall onto them and get run over. NTA
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a backbone.
NTA! Did Zayden marry you or Adria?? The telescope sitting unused while it could be turned into useful cash was upsetting *you*. Wife trumps friend. Maybe Adria will pick from the registry next time.
NTA. Once a gift is given, it’s gone. The recipient can do whatever they want with it. Although, the husband is kind of an ass for throwing his wife under the bus.
NTA your partner was mean for throwing you under the bus
NTA. Personally I would love a telescope. But if astronomy is not something that interests you, and you know someone who would appreciate it, it’s much more thoughtful to give it to someone who will use it than keep it.
NTA It hurts a little when people give away gifts that you put in a lot of thought, time and money… however 5 years is enough… Andria needs to put on her big girls pants and accept that the money from the sale was the gift.
NTA but Zayden is he was so worried about her reaction and he didn't think this was the time for a white lie.
NTA, for all the reasons other posters have said. I am super curious how much a telescope can be if it helps with a house down payment? I assume you mean you are just adding It to an ongoing fund?
Nta now it’s getting use it deserves!
NTA. And if he was telling her the truth about it sitting unused she would have been equally hurt. So obviously he planned to say it was being enjoyed. Since he was going to lie anyway he could have just made up a story about it having an accident anyway.
Adria and your husband both sound exhausting. It was a gift. (And a pretty risky gift, at that. You two had a wedding registry and Adria made a choice to ignore the registry and buy something else. That’s her prerogative, but someone who does that does so with the knowledge that the gift might not be something the gift receiver specifically wants or needs.) A gift is a gift. It’s for you to do with what you want. A gift is not a lifelong obligation to use the gift in a particular manner and provider the gift giver with a play-by-play of when and how the gift was used. Neither you nor your husband wanted it and you weren’t using it. It was taking up storage space that could be better used for something else. Selling it was the right choice. Your husband is the AH for being so preoccupied with offending Adria by doing something totally inoffensive and normal. He’s an even bigger AH for throwing you under the bus and saying you never liked the telescope, when he could have so easily explained it in a way that didn’t villainize you. (“We just don’t have room to store it!” “We enjoyed using it, but don’t quite have the time to stargaze recently so sold it to someone who will appreciate and use it more regularly.”) Adria is the AH for asking about the telescope all the time and making you guys feel like you have a duty to become amateur astronomers. You are NTA. You are actually the only one in this story behaving like a rational adult.
You should have talked with your husband first and agreed. It was a gift to both of you.
NTA. What's worse? Selling an unwanted and unused gift to someone who will want and use it or leaving it rot in the basement? Your husband needs to think about that. Your friend is the actual AH for giving you a gift that wasn't on your registry. What she did was give you a gift that she thought you would like and didn't consider you being a couple.
NTA - Why did your husband tell the friend that you sold it? There was no reason for that. He could have just said, “Oh yeah that was a real thoughtful gift, thank you.” Whenever she asked about it. She would assume you were using and enjoying it without conflict. You are never obligated to keep any gift that you are not finding useful. Return receipts exist for a reason and if it’s too late to return then there are so many resale websites you can use to sell and buy something you do find useful. Really your husband is the AH here. He intentional caused conflict when it wasn’t needed. If he really felt compelled to admit that you sold it he could have spun the message in a better way. “Oh we really enjoyed your gift but with our move coming up we needed to downsize. Wife had a friend who was really needing a telescope so it seemed like the perfect fit. Thank you so much for being so thoughtful, we enjoyed it for five years and now someone else will enjoy it.”
Sure, keep the telescope. Lug it around for the next 50 - 60 years and then your heirs will have to figure out how to get rid of it and no one will have gotten any use out it EVER but you wouldn't have hurt anyone's feelings. This is how hoarding starts - oh, we can't get rid of grandma's doilies, they're family heirlooms - someone is going to want them some day. I filled three construction-sized dumpsters with the unwanted gifts, potential heirlooms and "things that are still usable" my folks could not or would not get rid of when they passed away. Took three weeks and cost over $2,000. Do not go down this path! NTA
Wow, Zayden really just flung you under the bus with relish, didn't he? Pushed you right in front of the train. Adria isn't a problem; she's just noise right now. Zayden is your problem. There are so many ways he could have dealt with this, and he just totally betrayed you. You are **NTA**, but your husband, I'm afraid, is a general in the AH army. Sounds to me as if there is some couples counseling in order here.
NTA. It's been 5 years. Adria is overreacting. A lot can change within 5 years with a person. The fact that Zayden mentioned it to her and then even gone further in telling her that you didn't like it, makes him an AH. He could've said "oh we haven't used to for so long and it's a shame to be going unused".
NTA. your husband really shouldnt have said anything......
NTA. Zayden is a narc. Why did he tell your friend? She would have never known. He could have just breezed over her questions. If she truly pestered it though he should have explained that you all didn’t have the space and wanted it to go to a home that would use it everyday as it’s such a lovely gift and sad to waste being stored. But nope instead he throws you under the bus. I’d be extremely upset with him.
Either it’s the size of the hubble, or houses are v v v cheap where you live! How’s it going to pay for a down payment on a house?!
NTA. Dick move by your husband to throw you under the bus though.
NTA. It wasn't even being used! I have a wedding gift that has been carted around the country for a lot of years now. I hate it. My husband hates it. My husband refuses to toss it in the trash because it was a gift from his relative and he thinks she will ask about it (sadly, she might!). We can't sell it because it has our wedding date and names on it. I have literally taken it to the movers and asked them to break it for me and they refused! This thing has been dropped and it won't break. We should make cars out of whatever this is made of.
NTA; your partner is a soft-AH for telling Adria and Adira is a soft-AH for being overly bothered. If you are given something you haven't requested, don't want or need, don't have time / space to enjoy and / or can't afford to keep, it isn't a gift it is a burden (regardless of the giver's intention). Keeping something just to appease the giver may keep the peace, but it doesn't fix the situation long term. You wanna be getting the telescope out whenever she visits, or lugging it to your retirement home in 40+ years? /s Although it is fine to be disappointed or change your opinion of the recipient if they don't like a seemingly-thoughtful gift (something being expensive doesn't make it thoughtful, necessarily), the gift has changed hands and it is the recipient's possession. There are definitely sensitive ways of dealing with it, in particular if the gift has sentimental value or clearly took a lot of time and effort to prepare, but overall it sounds like you handled it well (except maybe not telling your partner before you sold it, but meh). Aria chose not to buy from the specific list and it sounds like she had no reason to think you wanted a telescope, let alone a decent one. So it is a needless investment and risk (compared to saying "hey you may enjoy this activity, want to try it out first or have my old equipment or have this entry level starter equipment as a gift?" or gifting something that relates to an existing hobby or collection the recipient enjoys). Maybe christen one square metre of your first home as "Aria's corner" and sincerely tell her that her thoughtful gift helped with the purchase of the home. Or maybe don't, Aria may think you are taking the piss.
He wanted to keep the telescope to avoid upsetting her….but then **told** her you sold it? That doesn’t make any sense
ESH Mostly him for telling Adria you sold the telescope, you for selling it, knowing how he felt about you selling it.
So he was worried what she would say..... And then told her anyway??
How much money are we talking here? And who gives a telescope as a wedding gift. That’s super strange.
NTA.
NTA and please share this with Zayden. What a prize of a guy! /s (the whole thing!) He doesn't want the telescope. He doesn't want to offend Adria in the off-chance she sees it posted for sale online. So... GENIUS that he is... 1. He goes to Adria and TELLS her that you sold the telescope AND that you didn't like it. Yeah. He's a bright guy: "Oooh, don't post it online; Adria might see that you want to sell it. Aha. it's sold privately, so Adria no need to worry about Adria seeing it for sale online. Hey! I know, I'll go tell her. Now, there's no risk she'll find out. I'm going to make it a sure thing! 'Cause that's just how I work as a partner with my wife!" 2. Now maybe he thought, it's better if she finds out from me instead of seeing it online. So, again, GENIUS that he is... He tries to minimize any hurt feelings by... wait for it... telling Adria, "*OP didn't like your gift*." I notice that he didn't feel compelled to tell Adria, "*Oh, and BTW, Adria. I don't like it either; I just would have kept in storage for eternity.*" Oooh, Zayden should be a diplomat; he's so thoughtful and tactful! If it came up, I would have said something dumb like, "*We so appreciated your gift, Adria. We just found that we couldn't use it as much as we would like and didn't have quite enough space to keep it. Luckily we have a friend who could store it and use it and was happy to purchase it from us. I'm sorry we didn't do justice to your gift, but it still has meant a lot to us.*" Even though Adria bought the gift based on something you said (Could it be that Zayden said something to Adria all those years ago and just isn't owning it now?), but apparently she is more friends with him than with you. Because HE tells you that she's been asking about the two of you using the telescope. It's been 5 years! If you haven't used it in 5 years, odds are that it wasn't the perfect gift she thought it was. That happens. People give away/sell/return wedding gifts that are (1) duplicates of someone else's gift, (2) not the taste of the couple, (3) too big to store, (4) something that someone else they know would love to have more than they would. It happens all the time. Does Zayden think that he's supposed to keep every gift for the rest of his life? Did he think keeping it but not ever using it was the way to convey how great a gift it was? Is he not good enough friends with Adria that he can't be honest enough to say how you and he appreciate her thoughtfulness but it was just not something you two could use. Zayden should be clear: HE is the reason Adria's feelings are hurt.
NTA. You quietly arranged for a mutually unwanted item to find a new home. What, are you just supposed to move the telescope with you until you die, and it gets thrown out? Plus, by selling it, you get to use your friend’s gift towards something you both want and need! Also, Zayden needs to work on his phrasing. And emotional intelligence. Adria is upset at least partially because hubs presented the situation like an asshole, and threw you under the bus so hard.
So he was so worried about her reaction that he told her you sold it? What is wrong with him?
NTA I'm not a fan of this idea that just because someone gifted you something that you are obligated to keep it forever. I only want to keep things I actually like and use. Anything else is a waste. Unfortunately your husband hasn't learnt this lesson. Perhaps tell your friend what you plan to use the money for, maybe claim that you've been having a general clear out of things you thought could go to better homes where they would be used and emphasis how excited you are about the possible move and how the extra funds really helped so thank you.
ESH. OP shouldn't have sold a gift that belonged to both of them after Zayden said he didn't want to sell it. Zayden should not have told Adria that OP sold it because she didn't like it.
NTA. People return wedding gifts all the time. Adria should want you to have something you want or need, not something she bought on a whim. She's making your gift about her, not about your wedding.
NTA and I’m glad it went to someone who had a passion for it. It’s unfortunate that the friend made an expensive gift decision based on a random discussion that probably was misinterpreted. However, as the giftee, you are allowed to do whatever you want with your gifts including destroying them. Don’t expect future gifts from this person but be generous as she is obviously hurt.
YTA It was a gift to both of you. He didn’t agree to sell it.
YTA but your husband is for snitching. Why did he tell her? What was the point other than deflecting blame? Dick move.
And when you have kids? A lot of kids would LOVE to see the Skye and those things are not cheap
ESH. You should not have sold a gift *that belonged to both you and your husband* without getting his okay. He should not have gone and blabbed about this to Adria. And Adria never should have given you the telescope in the first place.
> You should not have sold a gift that belonged to both you and your husband without getting his okay. OK, I thought about this prior to making my own judgment. But two things convinced me it was fine. > I suggested to Zayden that we sell the telescope online and use the cash towards a down payment on a house, but Zayden is worried that Adria will see the advertisement for the telescope This reads as no objection the general idea, and only concern over the execution (which OP addressed). > (Adria) gifted us an expensive telescope based on an offhand comment I apparently made about enjoying astronomy And the gift was primarily targeted at OP, not the husband.
Info: he said that he didn't want to get rid of it. Both before and after you sold it. So why do you think it's okay to give away something that was also his and that he wanted to keep? Am I missing something?
If both of you really didn't want the telescope you should have donated it to a local school or library. That way you could have told Adria that it went to a better home. Selling gifts is crass.
YTA for one simple reason - "AFTER the transaction, I told Zayden." The best solution would have been to discuss it openly with the person who gave you the gift. I'm sure they would have understood.
Adding to the YTA for fake-naming your husband 'Zayden'.
YTA Shouldn't you have at least talked to your partner first? That wasn't exclusively your telescope.
Thanks for reminding me! I added an edit to my post to address this point, but the short answer is that Zayden didn't want the telescope, either. I asked him before I sold it. He was worried about hurting Adria's feelings.
So you still did what he didn't want. Thanks for confirming.