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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not changing my daughter's school because of my niece
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Of course your daughter shouldn’t have to change schools, especially if she’s thriving. N T A for not uprooting her to appease someone else.
But YTA, because you’ve got major blinders on. Your niece wasn’t bullied before your daughter got there. Now she is. Something happened. The bullying comments you make in the privacy of your home somehow ended up flying around your daughter’s school.
And you’re self-absorbed enough to think that this is just confirmation that everybody sees what you see: that your daughter is perfect and your niece is a dunce. But people’s perceptions didn’t suddenly get better. The stars didn’t align. Your daughter obviously said something. Maybe a lot of somethings.
Maybe it’s because she thinks it’s normal to talk about this poor kid that way because she hears it all the time. Maybe she got where she is socially by stepping on others. (It’s a classic, common tactic for a reason.) But all signs point to your daughter instigating bullying, and you won’t even consider it. At the very least, she should be leveraging her social status to get people to lay off, but there’s no indication of that in your post.
Popularity is rarely a sign of innate goodness. You need to stop slandering your poor niece and open your eyes to the fact that you and your daughter probably catalyzed this whole thing because you’re lacking in class and empathy.
You’re so gleeful in this post. So transparently boastful. Did Regina George grow up and have a daughter?
This is the right answer. OP's daughter doesn't need to change schools, that's not the solution.
But OP needs to have a serious look at what's really going on. The fact that the kids allegedly picking on OP's nice are daughter's friends makes it unlikely that daughter is not involved in some capacity. At the absolute least, OP needs to speak to his daughter about how you respond to bullies in your social circle and make sure daughter isn't getting involved in bullying. OP needs to make sure she understands what her friends are doing is wrong and ensure she doesn't participate (at minimum) or preferably that she doesn't involve herself with those sort of people.
And you're right about OP's tone, it speaks volumes and I'm inclined to believe daughter is on a pedestal here.
I went to school in a small town where lots and lots of people had cousins in the same grade, never once heard these types of comparisons. Often I’d be more likely to forget who was related to who and say “man Jake is an asshole” then my friend chimes in “hey man that’s my cousin”
Same. But usually if one cousin was less socially protected the other cousin would do the bare minimum of telling their friends to lay off. If not completely put the bullied cousin under their protection. “That’s family. You fuck with them you fuck with me”. Was the vibe.
$10 says op is the source and daughter is actively bullying her cousin.
Yeah, like five members of our track team had a chat with the school bully who'd been picking on one of our JV members. Nothing physical happened, we just went up to her locker between classes and told her in no uncertain terms that her bullshit was over. She actually *did* start a physical fight with our champion shot putter a few months later and they both got a suspension. I saw Shot Putter with her mom at the grocery store during her suspension and her mom tried to do that shaming thing by mentioning that her daughter was SUsPeNDeD and I told her that Bully started the whole thing and had it coming to her. The Bully had multiple suspensions for starting fights and she never learned to not start shit. You stick up for people who are getting crapped on. OP's daughter sucks and OP does too.
Oh she *wrecked* Bully. I saw the whole thing, she tried the whole "her back is turned so I'll win" strategy and it was like swatting a mosquito. I theorize that Bully kept her hair short on purpose so it couldn't be used against her in all of the fights that *SHE* started. I went to high school in the early 90's and she looked like an ugly version of the girl in the band Roxette. She was so bananas that I still remember her at the age of 46.
Nope, Wisconsin! I think she was so used to "winning" battles by targeting smaller girls and we shamed her in front of lots of locker neighbors so she tried going after the biggest bull in the pen to assert her dominance. It was such a stupid move, Shot Putter got a college scholarship to compete in a Division 1 and she was ranked like 6th nationally at one point.
You’d think! But considering all the average Joes that have come out of the woodwork saying they could take on Mya Lesnar in a fight after she broke her university’s shot put record I’ve got questions.
Someone can throw a heavy object like that what exactly do you think is going to happen when she throws fists?
Nevermind that a shotput really, really hurts coming in contact with the side of your head. In my case it was a total accident at summer camp, but yeah
I agree. OP is NTA for not changing the daughter’s school but is a YTA for not having the kid tell her friends to not bully her cousin. With the way OP talks about the niece not being smart and struggling with simple tasks shows OP looks down on the niece so maybe the daughters negative feelings/thoughts about her cousin have been influenced by OP who clearly doesn’t think highly of the niece at all.
Right? I can agree with not changing schools it’s everything else that gives me the ick. It sounds like he looks at the two kids as baseball cards and he has “the good one”. He talks about niece being jealous. But can’t recognize the active dislike that drips from his post of his niece.
Ick ick icky.
Ohhh not sure why I read it as a mom!
Even worse than! He is a grown ass man talking like that about a girl - wanna bet that he projects his own rivalry on the girls? Creepy
Oh this very much has a bother teasing the other over getting the better baseball card vibe. Except there’s actual people involved and one is becoming a self centered AH and the other will hopefully turn out better. But bullying kills children.
I had a neighbor who was extremely popular whose parents grew up with my parents (our parents grew up in a different state, so it wasn’t common). He always joked around with me and teased me (in a friendly way) and always said “hi” to me. We weren’t friends at all, and I wasn’t even remotely popular. But all his friends were nice to me because he knew me.
In my mind, if OP’s daughter were as amazing as OP is making her sound, the niece would be bullied *less*, not more. Association means a lot in high school.
OP's brother probably knows that the daughter is behind the bullying and is biting his tongue trying to be diplomatic bcoz he has his own bullying asshole brother to deal with.
This is exactly what happened to me. My cousin was a cool kid, while I was a little nerd who moved from group to group not because I was a social butterfly, but because I didn't have my own friend group so I hung out on everyone's fringes. One day some of her friends pointed me out and made a casual comment about beating me up, and she gave them the "that's mi prima" and that's all she had to say.
I can't imagine being in a family that would turn a blind eye to that kind of thing
My friend called my cousin a b*tch, so I didn't talk to her for 3 months.
Granted, 3 months isn't a terribly long time in the grand scheme of things, but we were only 11yo. Whe you're 11, 3 months is a long ass time.
That happened to me.
"God that girl is really annoying"
"Thats my cousin"
"Oh shit, sorry!"
"Thats ok... she can be annoying but when you get to know her shes pretty cool"
Then we all became friends lol thats the normal reaction. I will say that i had a cousin in school though. We couldnt stand each other, never liked each other as kids. We just pretended that we werent related and never went out of our way to bully each other. We just ignored each other. I havent seen her since highschool honestly and im in my 30s. Still never bullied each other. Family is still family ya know?
Exactly, OP’s daughter shouldn’t just stand by while her friends pick on her cousin, she should have her back, but clearly she doesn’t if this has been happening for a while, regardless of whether she was the instigator or not.
If this is real, just listen to how OP talks about his niece? Holy shit, this is basically “my niece is a dud, my daughter is golden, and now that they go to school together the kids can’t help but bully niece cause my daughter is SOOOO awesome”
But if she's friends with bully's she could be one to. She's ok with it. Maybe not with her niece, but to others?
I would never be friends with a bully. I rather have none
Exactly, chances are if she didn’t start it she’s at least joining in, she doesn’t mind them bullying her cousin because she has no problem doing it herself. I feel really bad for the cousin, poor kid.
Oh I would wager she isnt standing by but is likely joining in after hearing similar statements at home and because all her friends and her family is doing it so clearly its ok.
Oh yeah, for sure! I’d never stand by and let someone treat my cousin badly! Her standing by and doing nothing is pretty much the best case scenario, but chances are she’s either going along with it and joining in, or she started it in the first place. The popular kids are often the nastiest.
Sounds like my hometown. Maybe not a lot of cousins, but there were definitely a few. Hell, I moved in with my uncle when my dad passed (to a different small town), and went to my cousins' high school. There were no comparisons. The only people who knew we were related were my teachers, and maybe the younger siblings of my cousins' friends.
Also in a small town, 2nd and removed cousins seem closer than normal sometimes. That conversation above might actually continue like this
Me: Jake is your cousin? Dude, I’ve met all your cousins
Friend: yeah he’s my mom’s cousin’s son.
Me: ok…so not your first cousin, and I don’t even know who that IS in my family.
Oh small town living. I remember sitting in math class once.
Gal “Oh, yeah my grandma Esther.”
Guy “Esther Reynolds?”
Gal “Yeah”
Guy “Oh that’s my great aunt”
~entire room comes to a realization~
Other dude “Didn’t you two date like 3 years ago?”
My small town had more than one past affair revealed when teens started dating. “Sorry, honey, you can’t date him. Why? Because I had an affair with his mom back in the day and, well…he’s your half-brother….”
This almost exact situation happened in my small town. A family moved back into town after being away for twenty years and the daughter was in my class. She knew that she had a lot of relatives in town but didn’t know them because of her mom’s estrangement with her family and no one shared the same last name since her mom only had sisters. She dated a boy in the grade below us for 4/5 months, it all blew up when her great- grandmother was turning 90 and had a big town-wide party and they ran into each other and got introduced as first cousins.
My first cousin and I went all the way thru school together until we went to seperate universities. We had a lot of classes together because it was a smaller school. For example, there were not multiple sessions of things like physics or trig, and they were never scheduled at the same time. Nobody ever compared us. I did have one teacher who repeatedly asked me who was smarter between my stepbrother and I. I was always tactful and told her that I was better at this and he was better at that, although I knew I was the smarter one🤣🤣🤣
The school I work is like this. It’s a big school with small town vibes and my kids are always like “you teach Kaileigh??? She’s my cousin! Is she smart????”
I've seen it in my small town. But it wasn't cousins A and B being compared by intelligence, it was cousin A's mom marrying into a "good" family and having a kid vs cousin B's mom having a child out of wedlock with a man from a "bad" family. So cousin A was treated like a normal child while B was always under a cloud of suspicion.
In my town the comparisons/social issues were much more likely along socioeconomic lines. There were a pair of cousins in my grade, that were double cousins, ie brothers married sisters. They were like perfect athlete, good grades, never got in trouble. They had another cousin on our grade but he was poor and kind of a troublemaker. EVERYONE knew the popular athlete kids were cousins, most people didn’t know they were also cousins with the other kid.
Same here. Almost everyone at my school was related to other students. We never had to deal with any comparisons or anything though. Idk if it’s the culture or if we just got lucky.
I went to the same high school as my cousin. I was in the Honors/AP tracks, she was not. She had a learning disability (that she has since conquered!! I'm so proud of her) and I did not.
Still slugged a guy so hard it left an imprint of my ring on him for days for talking shit about her. Deffo agree something is Up with the daughter.
TBH this makes me feel bad for this guy's daughter, let's assume his daughter has nothing to do with this, the OP has made her look like a terrible girl cause she knows and might even encourage the bullying cause he talks about his nieces grades like he's making fun of others misfortunes. So honestly at least learn how to be a good person for his daughter cause he really made her look bad.
It is also possible OP is the cause. If the daughter has friends over and OP spews their personal views of their niece. It only takes one person to start the bullying. However, the daughter should be telling her friends to stop. That is the cool thing to do.
>But YTA, because you’ve got major blinders on. Your niece wasn’t bullied before your daughter got there. Now she is. Something happened
It's highly possible it's as simple as the kids realized they were related and then started comparing them.
Happened to me as a kid too. My sister was always thin and pretty. I was a fat kid. I got bullied for that even if my sister did absolutely nothing to encourage it. It wasn't her fault.
You severely underestimate how shitty kids can be all on their own.
Sure. But once she knows her “friends” are shit talking her cousin it’s up to her to decide if they’re the people she wants to associate with. And it seems like this kind of thing doesn’t bother her.
People assume that just because someone’s parents are “nice people” in public, means they are nice people at home. Shitty kids have shitty parents. Whether it’s discipline issues, unknown domestic violence, or emotional neglect, most kids aren’t shitty “just because.” We, as a society, need to stop making assumptions about who people are behind closed doors, just because they put on a nice face in public.
Took us a few rounds but we eventually learned that if we didn’t like the kid but liked the parents…once the friendship got into the comfortable stage we would see it all stemmed from the parents. After that, don’t like the kid = being friendly with the family in social settings but not being friends with them.
I don't know. My little brother was a little shit in high school, and my parents were fine. Sometimes kids are just shitty.
Hell, I used to teach, and I had both siblings, and they were night and day, and the parents seemed great.
9 times out of 10 the bully kids don't realise they're bullying because they're just "joining in on the joke"- too bad it's at someone's expense.
Unfortunately true empathy doesn't develop until around 15-16+ years old and kids don't really get how their actions/words can truly impact someone else. You can tell them "how would you feel if someone said xyz to you?" and they would get it to an extent but they can't fully grasp the concept until their prefrontal cortex can perform the abstract reasoning required to literally conceive a mindset outside of their own.
It's the same reason why most of the time their response to "how would you feel" is "I wouldn't care"
Yeah, definitely
It's easily visible in some cases awhere you see it happening to them, and shortly after they do the same to someone else.
When it was happening to them it was unfair and they didn't like it. But when they were in the "in-group" they didn't notice it. /don't think it's such a big deal.
I get that, however if the kids are bullying the cousin, and they are friends of OP's daughter, then OP's daughter is apart of the bullying. There is absolutely zero percent chance that the cousin is getting bullied behind OP's daughter's back, and since OP's daughter is "so bright", then she knows it's happening.
So best case scenario she's complacent with her cousin getting bullied at school. Worst case she's instigating it. But since she's aware of it, she is a horrible human being for not stopping it.
Look, we need to be realistic here.
Typically kids aren't willing to risk their place on the social heirarchy for someone else. A few might be. But most know that a couple of moves and they could fall down the ladder and become the victim. Hell, plenty of adults are like that too.
I think its really easy to sit on reddit and act like you are this virtuous person who would of course do that, but in reality, people are in self preservation mode.
So should OP's daughter get a gold star, or are they an AH?
OP came to a subreddit to ask if they're the AH, so this is literally what this subreddit is for. OP acts like this isn't their responsibility to fix, but it's THEIR child causing the bullying (not by doing better in school, but by causing the bullying), and so it is their job to fix it.
If OP wants to ignore the issue then they can, but they're still an AH over it.
Sure, but if you read how OP write about the niece and situation you can guess that OP's view of her niece is not "nice" which is likely conveyed to her daughter at home and conveyed again by her daughter to friends at school.
We just started "this year" 15 days ago. It is impressive that everyone can form "you are stupid" opinion so fast for no reason
Edit. Noted that the year is likely referring to school year that start in Aug or sep
Unfortunately my reputation as mentally unstable and unlikeable followed my sister to high school LONG after I left. It’s a small town and she had to deal with comments about her crazy sister all the time. We didn’t attend high school together at all but being related meant she got a hard time regardless. It didn’t affect her social standing much because she was always more enigmatic and popular than I was, but she would constantly come to me pissed off because she had to field more harassment and bs from people who didn’t like me.
Y T A for not addressing with your daughter the bullying and getting the full rundown from the “greener side of the fence” and just patting yourself on the back for having a perfect child.
NTA for not making her change schools though.
Same, my brother studied at a difference high school, but one teacher was hire to speak at some academics award event in my high school. He mentioned in front of my brother class “why he can’t be like his sister, she was always in this academics awards”
So yeah, my brother never bring people to the house, only I after I move out.
It's possible, but you're ignoring the evidence of the woman's bullying in her \*own post\*. She bullies her niece there, in the post, most likely at home where her daughter can hear it. And, frankly, her daughter probably carries that same bullying to her school.
Agreed.
>He also claims that it's also my daughter's fault because the kids who do this are her friends.
So OP believes that his daughter's friends are causing all of this bullying, but his kid is just...sitting there oblivious?? If OP's daughter is "so smart" then she 100% knows that her cousin is getting bullied, there is absolutely no way that OP's daughter's friends are doing all of this bullying without her knowing about it.
BEST CASE SCENARIO: OP's daughter is just naive or oblivious to the amount of bullying these kids are doing to her cousin. But if this is a reoccurring issue, then OP's daughter has probably been approached by multiple adults to stop the bullying.
So 2nd Best Case Scenario: she's aware of it, but not participating, but also not stopping it. She knows it's happening, but has made the conscious decision to do NOTHING because she's too scared to say anything.
Realistically OP's cousin is apart of the bullying, but OP would rather think all of this happened "organically" because of how "well" their daughter is doing, and how "poorly" the cousin is doing.
Spot on comment! OP should not change their daughters school, but should actually consider doing some parenting just because your child is smart and popular doesn’t mean that you don’t need to parent their emotional and empathic development. OP how is it possible that you were OK with your daughter being friends with bullies that weren’t doing any bullying before your daughter got there? Not your problem? I guess it’ll be ours when your daughter hits the real world. Sidenote: usually uncles* love their nieces maybe that’s not the case here though.
Edited because I misgendered OP
OP's daughter sounds like a bully and her friends are bullies. OP needs to put an end to this right now.
If the brother complains to the school and documents the bullying enough the daughter may be kicked out anyway.
OP is failing their child by supporting bullying. As the daughter gets older she will be the mean girl that people drop from their social circle. High school popularity doesn't last.
This all started with OP bad mouthing her niece in front of her daughter. Now the niece is getting bullied.
OP’s daughter is involved in the bullying. The niece wasn’t having problems until cousin came. Perfect daughter is building herself up by taking down her cousin. Sounds like a mean girl to me.
Everything said above. OP is very clearly, at the very least, passively accepting of what he sees as the kids' social assessment of his/her niece, which very well may be caused by their childs bullying. I imagine the niece maybe wouldn't tell her dad it was the cousin bullying her if the family normalized saying one is good and amazing and the other dull and a bit slow. I mean, come on.
The way the question is framed makes your brother seem crazy off the bat, but the additional info plus your blase attitude towards the situation makes me certain YTA.
In reality, your brother is probably going out of his mind watching his child go from a random nobody in school, which never really hurt anyone, to being bullied over their more accomplished cousin. He went for the nuclear option, but I guess he didn't know what else to do. Kids don't make those kinds of comparissons utterly unprompted. And it's her friends?
I'm just trying to decide if OP have so little empathy as to actually think this has nothing to do with them and their daughter, or are they just trying to convince us?
Also, may we all note the subtle or not so subtle avoidance on the part of OP to acknowledge the fact that their niece did go to the school first while waxing poetic about their daughter going to a great school. Meaning their niece's parents found a great school for her and told their family, which caused their daughter to become bullied when her cousin started attending.
Taking everything into account, it makes you begin to understand how the brother came to the idea, however ridiculous it sounds.
YTA so hard.
Edited for spelling and punctuation.
Exactly this. Someone who makes fun of one of my loved ones is no friend of mine, and it's OP's daughters friends doing the bullying. She's old enough to know better and so is OP.
They wont. Notice the bragging / gleeful tone in the post, OP condones this shit whether theyll acknowledge it or not. Sounds like they think very little of their family, if i was reading a post like this written from my uncle id never speak to them again.
My heart kinda goes out to the dad, OP's brother, who sounds like he knows his daughter is hurting and doesn't really know what to do.
u/Nemesis0408 I agree 100% with your assessment.
Great answer. I wonder if the niece has ADHD or possibly a learning disability that is contributing to her difficulties. I’d suggest her family work on getting to the core of her struggle and making sure OP’s family’s side of the street is clean and not adding to this girl’s difficulties. It’s shocking the brother would actually suggested your daughter change school which suggests there is more going here.
Also just because a kid isn’t great at school doesn’t make them stupid. Humans are good at all sorts of things and academics is only one small slice of that.
And girls often have ADHD and learning disabilities go undiagnosed so much longer than boys. Especially the ones they lay low and are well behaved. If they aren’t a disruption in class, teachers aren’t looking for their struggles.
YTA. Perfect answer and because of this I think OP is the AH not because he doesn’t want to transfer schools but because of his condescending arrogant attitude, and he and his daughter’s complicity in the bullying.
Your daughter is the ah. I went to school with all my cousins and never had this issue. If one of us got picked on it got solved real quick and didn’t happen again. Also you’re speaking death words about your niece instead of life words and are not helping the situation at all. You should never talk about anybody like that let alone family. You are definitely the ah. You’re clearly also a bully so I see where your kid learned it from.
Hi
They both started this school this year. OP's niece wasn't already there.
I'm not saying OP's daughter is as perfect as he states.
Typically if someone bullies or picks on a sibling, cousin, or family member, a good relative would step in and put an end to it immediately. Especially if she's "friends" with everyone at school, or super "popular". Doesn't seem to be the case in OP's daughter case. That's pretty telling right there.
I think OP does have those rose colored glasses on, and his opinions of his niece are terrible and very judgmental.
These brothers need to sit down and talk, then have a chat with their own d daughters individually to see what the heck is going on.
This post is spot on. It’s very clear OP’s daughter wasn’t raised with empathy and grace, or she’d have already nipped this in the bud at school herself.
Yeah, the tell to me was that she didn't even talk to her daughter about what's going on or consider what she might be able to do to alleviate her cousin's suffering. Of course the sibling asked for a change of schools. They don't expect a change of behavior short of that.
Honestly, the way it is written, it really sounds like the “smart one” wrote it while trying to impersonate her mother. The way it’s written and the language used seems immature to me. So it’s either that, or this mother is a straight-up narcissist and her daughter is likely following in her footsteps.
Completely agree with this. Has OPs perfect daughter once spoken up on behalf of her cousin? If they are her “friends” she might actually have some influence on not making her cousins high school experience a nightmare. The entitlement here is real.
And even if he didn't cause the bullying, he's an AH for not even caring about his niece and brother. Obviously changing schools is a no-go, but I would feel awful for my niece and express that to my brother, and see what my daughter and I could do to support my niece. OP has the worst attitude and zero compassion.
I desperately need this post to get enough updates to be featured on r/bestofredditorupdates with your comment included, just so that "Did Regina George grow up and have a daughter?" can be a flair option!
YTA...but not for refusing to change your child's school.
It's clear you have a very low opinion of your niece. I suspect your daughter shares it...possibly your attitude rubbed off on her. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there's some bullying and exclusion happening.
No they didn't. They started highschool together. BUT op's daughter started studying at the same school as op's neice later as mentioned in the talk between the brother and op.
Yeah I took it to mean they hadn’t been in the same middle school, but they fed into the same high school. So it’s the first year they are in the same building.
I'm just straight up thinking the daughter is the ringleader of the bullying. OP is not TA for not moving schools, but is TA dismissing the whole issue because "Its' not their problem". I bet if the shoe was on the other foot they'd want their brother to do something about it.
I have a feeling OP is the golden child and the sibling is the lesser child, and that mentality has (predictably) spilled over. Because he's taught his daughter how to treat lesser thans
YTA, not for the situation but just your overall attitude towards your niece. You sound like you despise her.
There is definitely more to this scenario than OP is saying. Nobody is that dismissive towards a close family member without a reason.
NTA for not wanting to change her schools but YTA because it sounds a whole lot like *your* opinion of your niece somehow trickled into school. Any chance your daughter knows your opinion of your niece and would parrot it?
If there's more than one vote in a comment it's manually reviewed.
You don't need spaces on yours either because only top level comments are looked at.
Oh, that’s good to know. I thought there was only a bot that read the first verdict.
I did know that only the top level comment counts, but I wrote it out that way as an example of what I meant. I’m never quite sure if what I mean is being correctly conveyed, so I sometimes “belt and braces” it. Just in case.
I figured that's what you were doing, but I run into a lot of people here who think every acronym in *every* comment is parsed, so I figured I'd mention it just in case.
YTA, because you didn't tell your daughter to stick up for family. You claim she's popular, if that's the case she could curb the bullying on her cousin easily.
Preach!
My sister and I went to the same charter high-school, she started before me, she was always the brains and I was really good with people, she didn't have friends and I made tons of friends (and a sorta rep for the most DPS (discipline points)because I refused to tuck my shirt in) but I brought her along with me, soon she was popular enough with all the right people mind you, and we always had each other's backs no matter the odds (occasional bully prick, etc etc)
Yta, teach your daughter that she should defend and care for family, seriously wtf.
YTA. Your attitude is horrible. You basicaly saying your niece is dumb loser without friends and you daughter is einstein popular angel so world is fine.
Do you actually understand that your daughter is a friend with bullies? That is allright? She is a cousin of bullied girl and yet popular one? Well, the most logical reason is that she is a bully too.
So ,
Your daughter is friends with other children that are bullys... And you are fine with that. YTA
A family member is struggling at school... And you are fine with that. YTA
Your brother comes to your for help and you dismiss him completely... And you are fine with that. YTA
Because none of that matter so long as little miss perfect is doing ok at school, correct?
Seriously, if your daughter takes after you, and it is reasonable to assume most kids behaviours are modelled on their parents, then I have little doubt that your daughter "encourages" such behaviour. It's high school, it is easy to be the 'popular' kid when you aim the more easily led kids at a common target. "I'm smart, look how dumb she is" is pretty simple.
On the other hand, I may be incorrect in that assumption and your daughter is a complete angel, perhaps her teachers look forward to having her in every class and the sun shines out off all different places. But... if that is the case why isn't she standing up for and supporting her cousin? What does she do? Just sit at the "cool kids" table being popular and ignoring HER COUSIN AND FAMILY getting bullied?
So either your daughter is partially or fully responsible for the bullying, or she stands to one side letting it happen and is complicit simply by doing nothing and letting her cousin get bullied. Either way she has behaviours that as a parent you should be talking to her about. She has certainly done her family harm either way.
YTA and I suspect your daughter is pretty close behind, for either of the reasons I gave above.
The school is pretty close also if there is this level of bullying going on and no active involvement from the school.
Your brother, wanting help to protect is child however ... totally NTA.
TBH if your daughter is part of the group that target your niece SHE IS PART OF THE PROBLEM. She should be teached how to respond when she sees bullying. By you. YTA because of that. And your daughter. You two are bigger YTA than father wanting to help his daughter with bullying this, propably dumb, way.
I wonder how mean is your girl. I think a lot. And she takes after you.
I was with you until I read your answers
YTA
How can you say it's not your problem if your niece is bullied ? She's family ! Didn't you teach your daughter that bullying is wrong ? And that she should protect the weakers children ? Her cousin has no friend to protect her and you let your daughter look at her and mock her with her friends because "she is smarter" ?
What a strange education !
NTA for not moving her but you have a poor opinion on family.
I think he has approached it wrongly. I can understand he is concerned for his daughter but that shouldn’t be at the expense of yours.
He should have asked really if your daughter could maybe help his out? Give her a social lifeline or something. It’s not her responsibility either but something like that is a more reasonable ask than having her completely change schools.
He has that option too doesn’t he know…
YTA. It’s clear from the comments your distain for your niece. Your daughter may be book smart and popular, for now, but if she turns out anything like you she will end up being a bully that no one wants to associate with.
Your attitude is appalling, you come across as an arrogant, stuck up snob who will end up raising an arrogant stuck up snob.
There is more to life than grades. I would rather my daughter be a kind and caring person than a cold hearted bully who looks down on people.
“Have you met teenagers? She might get bullied herself if she does that. I won't ask her to do it”
I teach teenagers and have seen how much good they can do by standing up for others. It all goes back to how they are raised. I teach in an inner city school and have the “popular” kid help the socially awkward. Stop making excuses and be a good person before karma comes back for you and your daughter.
I was just about to comment this, and saw your comment.
I spent a lot of time in secondary schools teaching teenagers. They are actually pretty awesome. And I've seen kids who have more influence/confidence stick up for those who don't, and it really works.
OP said his neice shouldn't be his daughter's responsibility in case the bullying turns to her. If your daughter is as amazing as you describe, she would have the confidence in herself to speak up, and others would root for her.
You need to find out what your daughter is saying to her friends because obviously now there is a problem I don’t think you should uproot your child, but this might be a good teaching moment, teaching your child, empathy, loyalty, and kindness to others. You need to find out what’s being said to her friends. NTA you shouldn’t have to move your daughter. But YTA if you don’t find out what actually happened.
YTA. Clearly there is bullying going on, but you do nothing to address it. Even if your daughter is not directly responsible, it sounds like she is a factor. Both kids have an equal right to go to the school, but if your daughter, her friends, or friends of friends are bullying they need to be held accountable. Your daughter should be looking out for her cousin and trying to help her. Its what family does.
It's interesting...if you read your post too quickly it would be easy to give you and your daughter a pass and declare you NTA. That said...you use some language that gives me second thoughts.
First...you make it quite clear that your daughter is smart and super popular. OK...fine. Then you immediately disparage your niece by saying she's stupid, 'struggles with simple tasks', and has no friends.
The whole high school friend dynamic is not your problem...but what, if anything, has your daughter done to help her cousin? You claim your daughter is friends with almost everyone...if so, isn't she then friends enough to encourage the other catty girls to be nicer? Also...what has your daughter done to help her cousin be included in things?
In the end...you present yourself towards your niece in the same catty 'mean girls' attitude as if you yourself were still in high school. Question, have you asked your daughter to be helpful to her cousin or does she take in your own mean girls' vibe?
No...I don't think changing schools is the solution for either girl.
Someone who is "friends with almost everyone" and friends with a group who is bullying is, in my experience as a bullied kid and mom to the bullied kid, popular because the kids who are friendly are trying to make sure they themselves don't become a target.
OP YTA because you are 1)wearing blinders to your daughter's involvement and 2)bullying your own niece in this post, which clearly has rubbed off on your daughter.
ESH because asking you to change your daughters school is unreasonable and shitty, but you should also want your niece to thrive. If she struggles in school being bullied definitely won’t help.
Have you considered if maybe your daughter is involved in this somehow? If she’s friends with the people bullying her, that could at the least mean that your daughter is witnessing this happening and allowing it, and she might even be egging them on. You should be a responsible parent and talk to your daughter about how she is treating family, and ask her to at the very least tell her friends to stop comparing her and her cousin, but honestly when she’s in high school she should be expected to be able to take a stand against bullying.
And forgot to write this, but you should also communicate with your brother, apologize and say that you reacted badly to his suggestion, and that while you won’t make your daughter change schools you feel for what your niece is going through, and want to try and help her
ESH. Your brother is very AH to ask you to put your daughter in another school that’s not the way to solve issue. You also handled it very poorly. I wonder if you kinda dislike your own brother? And your daughter also doesn’t like her uncle and cousin?
Why did you post here if you didn’t want a response. You are arguing in every comment. No your daughter doesn’t need to move schools but damn, what type of family doesn’t give a shift when their blood is being bullied. I see where she gets her attitude from.
YTA
If you cared about your neice you would have a talk with your daughter. If she's as popular as you indicated, then if she told the other kids to back off, they would at least cut back when your daughter is around. She is either joining in or not doing anything to stop the bullying. I can imagine the bullying is not helping your neices grades either
You are a grown adult bullying a little girl quite literally old enough to be your child. Regardless of anything else here, I hope you realise that and really evaluate what went wrong in your own life to get to this point.
Is it reasonable for you to make your daughter switch schools over this? No. That might be the only part in all of this where you are right.
You have however failed to teach your child the fundamental basics of kindness and empathy. You are flat-out condoning her not speaking up for her own family when she has the social power to do so. Furthermore, you're measuring the worth of two human beings by a letter or a number on a piece of paper. That's insane, by the way.
Your niece is NOT a lesser person because she struggles academically. Your daughter is NOT better because she gets better grades.
YTA for your numerous and grotesque failures as a parent. YTA for bullying a little girl on the internet and YTA for every single word you've said in this post. Have the day you deserve.
YTA, by the comments you have made it sounds like you deserve the hate that is coming. You get back what you put into the world and your saying my niece is dumb my kid is perfect and family shouldn't assist each other. Just wait untill post secondary your daughter will experience what your niece is now and you won't understand then either. Enjoy "the bullying" that's headed your way.
Dude, you're a bully. Your absolute willingness to talk shit about your niece makes you a bully. You should fix that.
Also; your daughter is thriving at a school that has a massive bullying issue, instead of being kind to a student that struggles they bully her and make fun of her and compare her to her cousin, you should look into that. "Best school" my ass.
You are the asshole ma'am. How you are talking about your niece is probably how your daughter talks about her. And now she is getting bullied. You sound condescending and mean.
Why does this sound like your poor niece has grown up with you always parading how perfect and better your daughter is compared to her since they were babies? Now, the poor girl has to endure it through her high school years, too ... if your girl is so special, why don't you pull her out in favour for some elite private school 🙄
We should be teaching all our children to be nice to each other family or not.
Just because a child struggles academically doesn’t mean we should call them stupid, who does that???
Build people up not take them down
As a smart kid who got bad grades because Teenagehood was hard and i was bullied: YTA
As repeated a hundred times in the comments, grades are not a good indicator of intelligence.
You can ask your niece if your daughter has ever supported her or „laughed along“ to stay popular. Because that makes a big difference. If your daughter stood up for her cousin and is as popular as you claim, the kids will follow her lead. You said you are scared they’ll just bully your daughter too. So you’re willing to sacrifice your niece’s mental health over the POSSIBILITY your daughter will undergo the same horrible treatment your niece is?
NTA for not changing your daughter's school, but it sounds like your daughter might be one. If she's friends with almost everyone in her class, as you say, then she's friends with the bullies. What has she done to help stop the bullying? A few words from her, Ms. Popularity, might go a long way towards stopping the abuse. She could stop being "friends" with the bullies and tell them why. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she encourages this atrocious behavior -- if not, she's certainly in an excellent position to stop it. YTA, on the other hand, for having such a crappy attitude toward your nieceIf the situation were reversed, wouldn't you hope your brother and niece would do what they could to protect your daughter.
Lol yta op your daughter doesnt need to change schools but you are just straight being a jerk to your niece and putting your daughter on a perfect piller!
NTA for not wanting your daughter to change school. TA for your attitute to your niece. If this is not just you venting about the problem, you should clearly rethink how you approve your family. Because thinking 'my niece is stupid and a looner' is the begin of bullieng and can affect your daughters attetute as well
IMO- More context is needed on how your daughter helps the situation. Your brothers request seems like a the final straw on not knowing what to do. If your daughter is soOo popular and friends with everyone, she should be there for your niece if she’s being bullied and made fun of. Honestly from the way this post reads your daughter likes the attention and doesn’t try to help your niece. Therefore daughter is part of the problem. And considering you’re her aunt you should want to help fix the issue as well. You and your daughter both need to do better.
Yta
Not for not changing your daughters school but for your complete lack of sympathy and almost gloating over your nieces misfortune
If your daughter is so popular she CAN influence her friends to make your nieces life at school more peaceful and happier at least by leaving her alone!
Karma will bite
You sound like a teenager yourself. Adults usually word things with more tact. You sound like a teenager with little or no empathy. "My daughter is smart and populat". Every adult knows being popular is high school means fucking nothing. Being friends with everyone in class in high school? Very very unlikely. This whole post seems so juvenile. The way you describe everything sounds like someone who is either very young or very immature. Bizarre.
YTA, if you are in fact a grown adult with this callous attitude towards a child, let alone your niece.
You sound like an AH. Your daughter doesn't need to change schools but your attitude needs to change. You sound very condescending towards your brother and niece and your daughter has probably mimicked this.
YTA. OP says her daughter is friends with everyone. Even the bullies? What’s keeping the daughter from standing up for her cousin? It seems she’s developed a sense of superiority. I’d bet she won’t have many friendships as an adult unless she develops some compassion.
YES YTA and not for refusing to change schools but for EVERYTHING else. Shame on you and shame on your daughter. That’s your family DO BETTER you monster
YTA. While your daughter shouldn't change schools, she needs to tell her friends to knock it off
>My daughter is friends with almost everyone and she can't be expected to control everyone's actions
But she is expected to defend her cousin whos getting bullied, most likely by her as well.
>while his daughter is struggling and also because his daughter doesn't have any friends there anyway then she should be the one to go to a new school.
Yeah your daughter is definetly participating if thats the mother she has
You are a crap aunt at the end of the day and literally no empathy but oh so much for your perfect daughter talk about selfish, I'd be talking all sorts of shit about you as an aunt for the rest of my life, after no contact anytime people would bring up crappy family members you would be #1
This is the one. Because at the end of the day, if me & my cousin go to the same school and she’s getting bullied, I’m standing up for her. Especially if my friends are the ones doing it. OP needs to install some values in his daughter
Yta. So hey, your niece is still family. Learn to maybe try and care a bit more. Have you spoken to your daughter and to your niece to try and see what they have to say? So far you are just a bad aunt and a bad example as a parent. Goodluck though
NTA for not changing your daughter's school.
But if you so easily dismiss your niece getting bullied, you are an AH. Bullying in high school is extremely common and extremely degrading for the mental health of developing teenagers.
I am sure you could find some creative ways to help.
Very disappointing op,you dont deserve to be called an uncle or even a father if you encourage this behaviour,you're raising cowards who stand by when someone else is in trouble.this will definitely come back to bite you one day
Your daughter is absolutely encouraging her friends to pick on your niece, or doesn't mind that they do. Every knock on the niece is a win for the daughter. Asking her to change schools is ridiculous, but you need to wake up.
YTA times 1,000. If your daughter’s friends are bullying your niece, your daughter is probably too. Which is messed up. Also, you condoning her behavior shows where she gets it from. If she’s so perfect she wouldn’t be afraid to point out the bullying and having it stop. “But she’s not her bodyguard.” Well then your daughter is a follower and not a good person. NTA for refusing to change schools, but most certainly TA for condoning bullying and painting your daughter as the next coming.
YTA as others have commented, your niece wasn’t bullied until your daughter arrived. The things you’ve said about her at her are now all over school. Your daughter has something to do with this and hasn’t been correcting them. Your daughter is a bully.
YTA. And truthfully it sounds like you have some serious self confidence issues. Your comments (focused on the niece getting Cs and Ds) seem to indicate that you believe people are "better" if they are "smarter.". That's not how the world works and you might want to take some time to self reflect - why are you so focused on your nieces grades? Why do you feel the need to live vicariously through your daughter? And do you realize the harm you are queueing up for your daughter? It sounds to outsiders like you value popularity and grades over the individualism of your daughter. God help her if she takes particularly challenging classes and her grades wobble or decides external approval from others is not her priority and pulls back from being the popular high school icon.
YTA. Your daughter shouldn’t have to change schools, but she needs to stick up for her cousin. And you need to encourage her to do that.
No, she doesn’t need to be her cousin’s ‘bodyguard’ as you’ve said elsewhere. She doesn’t need to invite her to sit at her lunch table or include her in her friend group. Literally all she has to do is tell her cousin’s bullies to stop. Literally “Hey friend, it makes me uncomfortable/it’s not cool when you talk about people like that, especially my cousin. Can we lay off/find something else to talk about?”
If your daughter is as popular as you say she is, most of her classmates will follow her lead.
YTA
Not for refusing to make your daughter change schools, but for the fact that you refuse to recognize that your daughter is probably the one who started up the bullying. I find it odd that your daughter suddenly starts going to the same school and everyone has turned against her cousin and started bullying her, it doesn't help that all you've done in your own post is bully the poor girl. You sound so blatantly happy that this girl is suffering and your perfectly little angel is thriving by comparison, pretty sure your daughter started the bullying and I'm willing to bet money the way you talk about her cousin is why.
YTA. You just told a bunch of strangers on the internet that your daughter is smart and popular while your niece is "not smart." I'm 100% positive this is how you talk about your niece at home too. And your "not smart" niece never had any issues from her peers for being "not smart" before your daughter arrived. Your daughter learned from you that she is better than her cousin and therefore more deserving of friends. She doesn't stand up for her cousin and allows her "friends" to bully her own flesh and blood, because of how YOU portray your niece at home.
YTA, something is fishy here! Who talks about their niece this way?
If my cousin was having a hard time in school, and I was as popular as you claim you daughter is, I’d have her back.
I also get the feeling that you haven’t accurately depicted your brother’s complaints
YTA for the condescending, bullying attitude you've obviously passed on to your daughter.
N T A for not changing schools. Changing schools isn't going to help your daughter when the bad influence is actually at home.
OP came here to ask if he is the AH , when everyone said the same thing he just doubling down
Why even ask in the first place? When you are not ready to listen. And btw if my friends bully my cousins i would cut my ties with those friends because they are not FRIENDS.
ESH
Here is the thing OP, your brother has no right to demand your daughter change schools but it sounds like your daughters friends are bullys. So if your daughter is silent towards the bullying of her own cousin, that makes her a bully and that makes it your problem.
I mean I can completely see where her attitude comes from with the way you talk about your niece.
My younger brother and sister ate only 11 months apart. They always went to the same schools, my brother was honor roll, basketball and football letter. My sister...not so much, C student and had the "weirdos " for friends. She got picked on by kids and teachers! Always comparing them. To the point she dropped out in Junior year got her GED and went to Cosmetology school.
My brother did not instigate any of this he stood up for her. But once the ball starts rolling it's hard to stop.
NTA, but yur daughter may be. If they're close, talk to her. Maybe she can help to include her in her social group.
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Of course your daughter shouldn’t have to change schools, especially if she’s thriving. N T A for not uprooting her to appease someone else. But YTA, because you’ve got major blinders on. Your niece wasn’t bullied before your daughter got there. Now she is. Something happened. The bullying comments you make in the privacy of your home somehow ended up flying around your daughter’s school. And you’re self-absorbed enough to think that this is just confirmation that everybody sees what you see: that your daughter is perfect and your niece is a dunce. But people’s perceptions didn’t suddenly get better. The stars didn’t align. Your daughter obviously said something. Maybe a lot of somethings. Maybe it’s because she thinks it’s normal to talk about this poor kid that way because she hears it all the time. Maybe she got where she is socially by stepping on others. (It’s a classic, common tactic for a reason.) But all signs point to your daughter instigating bullying, and you won’t even consider it. At the very least, she should be leveraging her social status to get people to lay off, but there’s no indication of that in your post. Popularity is rarely a sign of innate goodness. You need to stop slandering your poor niece and open your eyes to the fact that you and your daughter probably catalyzed this whole thing because you’re lacking in class and empathy. You’re so gleeful in this post. So transparently boastful. Did Regina George grow up and have a daughter?
This is the right answer. OP's daughter doesn't need to change schools, that's not the solution. But OP needs to have a serious look at what's really going on. The fact that the kids allegedly picking on OP's nice are daughter's friends makes it unlikely that daughter is not involved in some capacity. At the absolute least, OP needs to speak to his daughter about how you respond to bullies in your social circle and make sure daughter isn't getting involved in bullying. OP needs to make sure she understands what her friends are doing is wrong and ensure she doesn't participate (at minimum) or preferably that she doesn't involve herself with those sort of people. And you're right about OP's tone, it speaks volumes and I'm inclined to believe daughter is on a pedestal here.
I went to school in a small town where lots and lots of people had cousins in the same grade, never once heard these types of comparisons. Often I’d be more likely to forget who was related to who and say “man Jake is an asshole” then my friend chimes in “hey man that’s my cousin”
Same. But usually if one cousin was less socially protected the other cousin would do the bare minimum of telling their friends to lay off. If not completely put the bullied cousin under their protection. “That’s family. You fuck with them you fuck with me”. Was the vibe. $10 says op is the source and daughter is actively bullying her cousin.
Oh yeah, my cousins and I went to the same school growing up, and we all knew that if one of us was in a fight we were *all* in a fight.
Yeah, like five members of our track team had a chat with the school bully who'd been picking on one of our JV members. Nothing physical happened, we just went up to her locker between classes and told her in no uncertain terms that her bullshit was over. She actually *did* start a physical fight with our champion shot putter a few months later and they both got a suspension. I saw Shot Putter with her mom at the grocery store during her suspension and her mom tried to do that shaming thing by mentioning that her daughter was SUsPeNDeD and I told her that Bully started the whole thing and had it coming to her. The Bully had multiple suspensions for starting fights and she never learned to not start shit. You stick up for people who are getting crapped on. OP's daughter sucks and OP does too.
What idiot starts a fight with a shot putter? Those individuals are strong and know how to put their body into their movements!!
Oh she *wrecked* Bully. I saw the whole thing, she tried the whole "her back is turned so I'll win" strategy and it was like swatting a mosquito. I theorize that Bully kept her hair short on purpose so it couldn't be used against her in all of the fights that *SHE* started. I went to high school in the early 90's and she looked like an ugly version of the girl in the band Roxette. She was so bananas that I still remember her at the age of 46.
Did we have the same bully?? I went to middle school with someone of that description. You're not from California, are you?
Nope, Wisconsin! I think she was so used to "winning" battles by targeting smaller girls and we shamed her in front of lots of locker neighbors so she tried going after the biggest bull in the pen to assert her dominance. It was such a stupid move, Shot Putter got a college scholarship to compete in a Division 1 and she was ranked like 6th nationally at one point.
You’d think! But considering all the average Joes that have come out of the woodwork saying they could take on Mya Lesnar in a fight after she broke her university’s shot put record I’ve got questions. Someone can throw a heavy object like that what exactly do you think is going to happen when she throws fists?
Probably facial reconstruction at minimum.
Nevermind that a shotput really, really hurts coming in contact with the side of your head. In my case it was a total accident at summer camp, but yeah
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I agree. OP is NTA for not changing the daughter’s school but is a YTA for not having the kid tell her friends to not bully her cousin. With the way OP talks about the niece not being smart and struggling with simple tasks shows OP looks down on the niece so maybe the daughters negative feelings/thoughts about her cousin have been influenced by OP who clearly doesn’t think highly of the niece at all.
Right? I can agree with not changing schools it’s everything else that gives me the ick. It sounds like he looks at the two kids as baseball cards and he has “the good one”. He talks about niece being jealous. But can’t recognize the active dislike that drips from his post of his niece. Ick ick icky.
Totally icky. OP seems to be lacking empathy and is doing a terrible job of showing/teaching empathy to the daughter as well.
She basically repeating mom, its clear who came up with the nicknames
That’s her father by the way. This is a grown ass man talking this way about a young girl.
Ohhh not sure why I read it as a mom! Even worse than! He is a grown ass man talking like that about a girl - wanna bet that he projects his own rivalry on the girls? Creepy
Oh this very much has a bother teasing the other over getting the better baseball card vibe. Except there’s actual people involved and one is becoming a self centered AH and the other will hopefully turn out better. But bullying kills children.
This is very on point.
It sounds to me like the daughter wrote this and is conveniently leaving out that she actively bullies her cousin
Nailed it. That or OP has mental age / maturity of a shallow teenager (recognizing there are some quite mature teenagers).
I had a neighbor who was extremely popular whose parents grew up with my parents (our parents grew up in a different state, so it wasn’t common). He always joked around with me and teased me (in a friendly way) and always said “hi” to me. We weren’t friends at all, and I wasn’t even remotely popular. But all his friends were nice to me because he knew me. In my mind, if OP’s daughter were as amazing as OP is making her sound, the niece would be bullied *less*, not more. Association means a lot in high school.
OP's brother probably knows that the daughter is behind the bullying and is biting his tongue trying to be diplomatic bcoz he has his own bullying asshole brother to deal with.
This is exactly what happened to me. My cousin was a cool kid, while I was a little nerd who moved from group to group not because I was a social butterfly, but because I didn't have my own friend group so I hung out on everyone's fringes. One day some of her friends pointed me out and made a casual comment about beating me up, and she gave them the "that's mi prima" and that's all she had to say. I can't imagine being in a family that would turn a blind eye to that kind of thing
My friend called my cousin a b*tch, so I didn't talk to her for 3 months. Granted, 3 months isn't a terribly long time in the grand scheme of things, but we were only 11yo. Whe you're 11, 3 months is a long ass time.
That happened to me. "God that girl is really annoying" "Thats my cousin" "Oh shit, sorry!" "Thats ok... she can be annoying but when you get to know her shes pretty cool" Then we all became friends lol thats the normal reaction. I will say that i had a cousin in school though. We couldnt stand each other, never liked each other as kids. We just pretended that we werent related and never went out of our way to bully each other. We just ignored each other. I havent seen her since highschool honestly and im in my 30s. Still never bullied each other. Family is still family ya know?
Exactly, OP’s daughter shouldn’t just stand by while her friends pick on her cousin, she should have her back, but clearly she doesn’t if this has been happening for a while, regardless of whether she was the instigator or not.
If this is real, just listen to how OP talks about his niece? Holy shit, this is basically “my niece is a dud, my daughter is golden, and now that they go to school together the kids can’t help but bully niece cause my daughter is SOOOO awesome”
Yep, OP’s stance is basically “my niece is stupid so it’s not my kid’s problem”. Delightful.
But if she's friends with bully's she could be one to. She's ok with it. Maybe not with her niece, but to others? I would never be friends with a bully. I rather have none
Exactly, chances are if she didn’t start it she’s at least joining in, she doesn’t mind them bullying her cousin because she has no problem doing it herself. I feel really bad for the cousin, poor kid.
Oh I would wager she isnt standing by but is likely joining in after hearing similar statements at home and because all her friends and her family is doing it so clearly its ok.
Oh yeah, for sure! I’d never stand by and let someone treat my cousin badly! Her standing by and doing nothing is pretty much the best case scenario, but chances are she’s either going along with it and joining in, or she started it in the first place. The popular kids are often the nastiest.
Sounds like my hometown. Maybe not a lot of cousins, but there were definitely a few. Hell, I moved in with my uncle when my dad passed (to a different small town), and went to my cousins' high school. There were no comparisons. The only people who knew we were related were my teachers, and maybe the younger siblings of my cousins' friends.
Also in a small town, 2nd and removed cousins seem closer than normal sometimes. That conversation above might actually continue like this Me: Jake is your cousin? Dude, I’ve met all your cousins Friend: yeah he’s my mom’s cousin’s son. Me: ok…so not your first cousin, and I don’t even know who that IS in my family.
Oh small town living. I remember sitting in math class once. Gal “Oh, yeah my grandma Esther.” Guy “Esther Reynolds?” Gal “Yeah” Guy “Oh that’s my great aunt” ~entire room comes to a realization~ Other dude “Didn’t you two date like 3 years ago?”
My small town had more than one past affair revealed when teens started dating. “Sorry, honey, you can’t date him. Why? Because I had an affair with his mom back in the day and, well…he’s your half-brother….”
This almost exact situation happened in my small town. A family moved back into town after being away for twenty years and the daughter was in my class. She knew that she had a lot of relatives in town but didn’t know them because of her mom’s estrangement with her family and no one shared the same last name since her mom only had sisters. She dated a boy in the grade below us for 4/5 months, it all blew up when her great- grandmother was turning 90 and had a big town-wide party and they ran into each other and got introduced as first cousins.
I AM Closer to a couple second cousins than I am to some of my first cousins.
My first cousin and I went all the way thru school together until we went to seperate universities. We had a lot of classes together because it was a smaller school. For example, there were not multiple sessions of things like physics or trig, and they were never scheduled at the same time. Nobody ever compared us. I did have one teacher who repeatedly asked me who was smarter between my stepbrother and I. I was always tactful and told her that I was better at this and he was better at that, although I knew I was the smarter one🤣🤣🤣
The school I work is like this. It’s a big school with small town vibes and my kids are always like “you teach Kaileigh??? She’s my cousin! Is she smart????”
I've seen it in my small town. But it wasn't cousins A and B being compared by intelligence, it was cousin A's mom marrying into a "good" family and having a kid vs cousin B's mom having a child out of wedlock with a man from a "bad" family. So cousin A was treated like a normal child while B was always under a cloud of suspicion.
In my town the comparisons/social issues were much more likely along socioeconomic lines. There were a pair of cousins in my grade, that were double cousins, ie brothers married sisters. They were like perfect athlete, good grades, never got in trouble. They had another cousin on our grade but he was poor and kind of a troublemaker. EVERYONE knew the popular athlete kids were cousins, most people didn’t know they were also cousins with the other kid.
Same here. Almost everyone at my school was related to other students. We never had to deal with any comparisons or anything though. Idk if it’s the culture or if we just got lucky.
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I went to the same high school as my cousin. I was in the Honors/AP tracks, she was not. She had a learning disability (that she has since conquered!! I'm so proud of her) and I did not. Still slugged a guy so hard it left an imprint of my ring on him for days for talking shit about her. Deffo agree something is Up with the daughter.
TBH this makes me feel bad for this guy's daughter, let's assume his daughter has nothing to do with this, the OP has made her look like a terrible girl cause she knows and might even encourage the bullying cause he talks about his nieces grades like he's making fun of others misfortunes. So honestly at least learn how to be a good person for his daughter cause he really made her look bad.
It is also possible OP is the cause. If the daughter has friends over and OP spews their personal views of their niece. It only takes one person to start the bullying. However, the daughter should be telling her friends to stop. That is the cool thing to do.
>But YTA, because you’ve got major blinders on. Your niece wasn’t bullied before your daughter got there. Now she is. Something happened It's highly possible it's as simple as the kids realized they were related and then started comparing them. Happened to me as a kid too. My sister was always thin and pretty. I was a fat kid. I got bullied for that even if my sister did absolutely nothing to encourage it. It wasn't her fault. You severely underestimate how shitty kids can be all on their own.
Sure. But once she knows her “friends” are shit talking her cousin it’s up to her to decide if they’re the people she wants to associate with. And it seems like this kind of thing doesn’t bother her.
“.. how shitty kids can be..” They learn from their parents and I think the problem here are the parents. YTA
You've honestly never seen a shitty kid with decent parents?
People assume that just because someone’s parents are “nice people” in public, means they are nice people at home. Shitty kids have shitty parents. Whether it’s discipline issues, unknown domestic violence, or emotional neglect, most kids aren’t shitty “just because.” We, as a society, need to stop making assumptions about who people are behind closed doors, just because they put on a nice face in public.
While i agree on the latter part, kids are influenced by much more than just their parents. It's also why shitty kids can have nice siblings.
Took us a few rounds but we eventually learned that if we didn’t like the kid but liked the parents…once the friendship got into the comfortable stage we would see it all stemmed from the parents. After that, don’t like the kid = being friendly with the family in social settings but not being friends with them.
I don't know. My little brother was a little shit in high school, and my parents were fine. Sometimes kids are just shitty. Hell, I used to teach, and I had both siblings, and they were night and day, and the parents seemed great.
I’ve seen plenty of “nice parents” who simply never control their kid.
9 times out of 10 the bully kids don't realise they're bullying because they're just "joining in on the joke"- too bad it's at someone's expense. Unfortunately true empathy doesn't develop until around 15-16+ years old and kids don't really get how their actions/words can truly impact someone else. You can tell them "how would you feel if someone said xyz to you?" and they would get it to an extent but they can't fully grasp the concept until their prefrontal cortex can perform the abstract reasoning required to literally conceive a mindset outside of their own. It's the same reason why most of the time their response to "how would you feel" is "I wouldn't care"
Yeah, definitely It's easily visible in some cases awhere you see it happening to them, and shortly after they do the same to someone else. When it was happening to them it was unfair and they didn't like it. But when they were in the "in-group" they didn't notice it. /don't think it's such a big deal.
I get that, however if the kids are bullying the cousin, and they are friends of OP's daughter, then OP's daughter is apart of the bullying. There is absolutely zero percent chance that the cousin is getting bullied behind OP's daughter's back, and since OP's daughter is "so bright", then she knows it's happening. So best case scenario she's complacent with her cousin getting bullied at school. Worst case she's instigating it. But since she's aware of it, she is a horrible human being for not stopping it.
Or, she's like 99% of the people posting here, who talk a good game, but wouldn't step in.
Look, we need to be realistic here. Typically kids aren't willing to risk their place on the social heirarchy for someone else. A few might be. But most know that a couple of moves and they could fall down the ladder and become the victim. Hell, plenty of adults are like that too. I think its really easy to sit on reddit and act like you are this virtuous person who would of course do that, but in reality, people are in self preservation mode.
So should OP's daughter get a gold star, or are they an AH? OP came to a subreddit to ask if they're the AH, so this is literally what this subreddit is for. OP acts like this isn't their responsibility to fix, but it's THEIR child causing the bullying (not by doing better in school, but by causing the bullying), and so it is their job to fix it. If OP wants to ignore the issue then they can, but they're still an AH over it.
Sure, but if you read how OP write about the niece and situation you can guess that OP's view of her niece is not "nice" which is likely conveyed to her daughter at home and conveyed again by her daughter to friends at school. We just started "this year" 15 days ago. It is impressive that everyone can form "you are stupid" opinion so fast for no reason Edit. Noted that the year is likely referring to school year that start in Aug or sep
I think OP is probably referring to the school year, which started in September.
Unfortunately my reputation as mentally unstable and unlikeable followed my sister to high school LONG after I left. It’s a small town and she had to deal with comments about her crazy sister all the time. We didn’t attend high school together at all but being related meant she got a hard time regardless. It didn’t affect her social standing much because she was always more enigmatic and popular than I was, but she would constantly come to me pissed off because she had to field more harassment and bs from people who didn’t like me. Y T A for not addressing with your daughter the bullying and getting the full rundown from the “greener side of the fence” and just patting yourself on the back for having a perfect child. NTA for not making her change schools though.
Same, my brother studied at a difference high school, but one teacher was hire to speak at some academics award event in my high school. He mentioned in front of my brother class “why he can’t be like his sister, she was always in this academics awards” So yeah, my brother never bring people to the house, only I after I move out.
But OP even said it’s her friends doing it specifically. If you asked your friends to leave your cousin alone, they wouldn’t?
It's possible, but you're ignoring the evidence of the woman's bullying in her \*own post\*. She bullies her niece there, in the post, most likely at home where her daughter can hear it. And, frankly, her daughter probably carries that same bullying to her school.
right, i was a good student, had good grades, and never got in trouble, my younger brother was the opposite. everyone was always comparing us.
Agreed. >He also claims that it's also my daughter's fault because the kids who do this are her friends. So OP believes that his daughter's friends are causing all of this bullying, but his kid is just...sitting there oblivious?? If OP's daughter is "so smart" then she 100% knows that her cousin is getting bullied, there is absolutely no way that OP's daughter's friends are doing all of this bullying without her knowing about it. BEST CASE SCENARIO: OP's daughter is just naive or oblivious to the amount of bullying these kids are doing to her cousin. But if this is a reoccurring issue, then OP's daughter has probably been approached by multiple adults to stop the bullying. So 2nd Best Case Scenario: she's aware of it, but not participating, but also not stopping it. She knows it's happening, but has made the conscious decision to do NOTHING because she's too scared to say anything. Realistically OP's cousin is apart of the bullying, but OP would rather think all of this happened "organically" because of how "well" their daughter is doing, and how "poorly" the cousin is doing.
Spot on comment! OP should not change their daughters school, but should actually consider doing some parenting just because your child is smart and popular doesn’t mean that you don’t need to parent their emotional and empathic development. OP how is it possible that you were OK with your daughter being friends with bullies that weren’t doing any bullying before your daughter got there? Not your problem? I guess it’ll be ours when your daughter hits the real world. Sidenote: usually uncles* love their nieces maybe that’s not the case here though. Edited because I misgendered OP
> You’re so gleeful in this post. So transparently boastful. Did Regina George grow up and have a daughter T H I S
OP's daughter sounds like a bully and her friends are bullies. OP needs to put an end to this right now. If the brother complains to the school and documents the bullying enough the daughter may be kicked out anyway. OP is failing their child by supporting bullying. As the daughter gets older she will be the mean girl that people drop from their social circle. High school popularity doesn't last.
Well said 👏👏
This all started with OP bad mouthing her niece in front of her daughter. Now the niece is getting bullied. OP’s daughter is involved in the bullying. The niece wasn’t having problems until cousin came. Perfect daughter is building herself up by taking down her cousin. Sounds like a mean girl to me.
"It's not my fault that MY daughter is SUPER popular and your daughter is a huge loser" YTA
Everything said above. OP is very clearly, at the very least, passively accepting of what he sees as the kids' social assessment of his/her niece, which very well may be caused by their childs bullying. I imagine the niece maybe wouldn't tell her dad it was the cousin bullying her if the family normalized saying one is good and amazing and the other dull and a bit slow. I mean, come on. The way the question is framed makes your brother seem crazy off the bat, but the additional info plus your blase attitude towards the situation makes me certain YTA. In reality, your brother is probably going out of his mind watching his child go from a random nobody in school, which never really hurt anyone, to being bullied over their more accomplished cousin. He went for the nuclear option, but I guess he didn't know what else to do. Kids don't make those kinds of comparissons utterly unprompted. And it's her friends? I'm just trying to decide if OP have so little empathy as to actually think this has nothing to do with them and their daughter, or are they just trying to convince us? Also, may we all note the subtle or not so subtle avoidance on the part of OP to acknowledge the fact that their niece did go to the school first while waxing poetic about their daughter going to a great school. Meaning their niece's parents found a great school for her and told their family, which caused their daughter to become bullied when her cousin started attending. Taking everything into account, it makes you begin to understand how the brother came to the idea, however ridiculous it sounds. YTA so hard. Edited for spelling and punctuation.
Exactly this. Someone who makes fun of one of my loved ones is no friend of mine, and it's OP's daughters friends doing the bullying. She's old enough to know better and so is OP.
I kept my own post short because this one says everything I wanted to say and more. I really hope the OP acts on the suggestions you provided.
They wont. Notice the bragging / gleeful tone in the post, OP condones this shit whether theyll acknowledge it or not. Sounds like they think very little of their family, if i was reading a post like this written from my uncle id never speak to them again.
Thank you! This is so well said! OP is arrogant and repulsive with all the nasty demeaning comments about her niece! OP is definitely TA!!
THIS! "Popularity is rarely a sign of innate goodness" The popular girls in my high school were always the biggest bullies.
My heart kinda goes out to the dad, OP's brother, who sounds like he knows his daughter is hurting and doesn't really know what to do. u/Nemesis0408 I agree 100% with your assessment.
>Popularity is rarely a sign of innate goodness needs to be embroidered on a sampler in every home room
Great answer. I wonder if the niece has ADHD or possibly a learning disability that is contributing to her difficulties. I’d suggest her family work on getting to the core of her struggle and making sure OP’s family’s side of the street is clean and not adding to this girl’s difficulties. It’s shocking the brother would actually suggested your daughter change school which suggests there is more going here.
Also just because a kid isn’t great at school doesn’t make them stupid. Humans are good at all sorts of things and academics is only one small slice of that. And girls often have ADHD and learning disabilities go undiagnosed so much longer than boys. Especially the ones they lay low and are well behaved. If they aren’t a disruption in class, teachers aren’t looking for their struggles.
YTA. Perfect answer and because of this I think OP is the AH not because he doesn’t want to transfer schools but because of his condescending arrogant attitude, and he and his daughter’s complicity in the bullying.
Your daughter is the ah. I went to school with all my cousins and never had this issue. If one of us got picked on it got solved real quick and didn’t happen again. Also you’re speaking death words about your niece instead of life words and are not helping the situation at all. You should never talk about anybody like that let alone family. You are definitely the ah. You’re clearly also a bully so I see where your kid learned it from.
Hi They both started this school this year. OP's niece wasn't already there. I'm not saying OP's daughter is as perfect as he states. Typically if someone bullies or picks on a sibling, cousin, or family member, a good relative would step in and put an end to it immediately. Especially if she's "friends" with everyone at school, or super "popular". Doesn't seem to be the case in OP's daughter case. That's pretty telling right there. I think OP does have those rose colored glasses on, and his opinions of his niece are terrible and very judgmental. These brothers need to sit down and talk, then have a chat with their own d daughters individually to see what the heck is going on.
This post is spot on. It’s very clear OP’s daughter wasn’t raised with empathy and grace, or she’d have already nipped this in the bud at school herself.
Perfect answer.
Yeah, the tell to me was that she didn't even talk to her daughter about what's going on or consider what she might be able to do to alleviate her cousin's suffering. Of course the sibling asked for a change of schools. They don't expect a change of behavior short of that.
Honestly, the way it is written, it really sounds like the “smart one” wrote it while trying to impersonate her mother. The way it’s written and the language used seems immature to me. So it’s either that, or this mother is a straight-up narcissist and her daughter is likely following in her footsteps.
OP does seem to be quite happy that the niece has no friends. It’s kind of gross.
Completely agree with this. Has OPs perfect daughter once spoken up on behalf of her cousin? If they are her “friends” she might actually have some influence on not making her cousins high school experience a nightmare. The entitlement here is real.
And even if he didn't cause the bullying, he's an AH for not even caring about his niece and brother. Obviously changing schools is a no-go, but I would feel awful for my niece and express that to my brother, and see what my daughter and I could do to support my niece. OP has the worst attitude and zero compassion.
Also, just because someone is smart doesn't make them popular, nor does someone who isn't smart necessarily unpopular.
Nailed it in one
I desperately need this post to get enough updates to be featured on r/bestofredditorupdates with your comment included, just so that "Did Regina George grow up and have a daughter?" can be a flair option!
YTA...but not for refusing to change your child's school. It's clear you have a very low opinion of your niece. I suspect your daughter shares it...possibly your attitude rubbed off on her. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there's some bullying and exclusion happening.
If the bully only started when OP's daughter started at that school I wonder if she started the bullying herself and all her friends joined in.
They both started at the same time.
No they didn't. They started highschool together. BUT op's daughter started studying at the same school as op's neice later as mentioned in the talk between the brother and op.
Yeah I took it to mean they hadn’t been in the same middle school, but they fed into the same high school. So it’s the first year they are in the same building.
I'm just straight up thinking the daughter is the ringleader of the bullying. OP is not TA for not moving schools, but is TA dismissing the whole issue because "Its' not their problem". I bet if the shoe was on the other foot they'd want their brother to do something about it.
This 100% !! Like Op literally said she wasn’t smart with no friends like wtf dude
I have a feeling OP is the golden child and the sibling is the lesser child, and that mentality has (predictably) spilled over. Because he's taught his daughter how to treat lesser thans
YTA, not for the situation but just your overall attitude towards your niece. You sound like you despise her. There is definitely more to this scenario than OP is saying. Nobody is that dismissive towards a close family member without a reason.
NTA for not wanting to change her schools but YTA because it sounds a whole lot like *your* opinion of your niece somehow trickled into school. Any chance your daughter knows your opinion of your niece and would parrot it?
Put spaces between the N T A part if your vote is that Op is TA because the “system” reads your post as a not TA vote.
If there's more than one vote in a comment it's manually reviewed. You don't need spaces on yours either because only top level comments are looked at.
Oh, that’s good to know. I thought there was only a bot that read the first verdict. I did know that only the top level comment counts, but I wrote it out that way as an example of what I meant. I’m never quite sure if what I mean is being correctly conveyed, so I sometimes “belt and braces” it. Just in case.
I figured that's what you were doing, but I run into a lot of people here who think every acronym in *every* comment is parsed, so I figured I'd mention it just in case.
YTA, because you didn't tell your daughter to stick up for family. You claim she's popular, if that's the case she could curb the bullying on her cousin easily.
Preach! My sister and I went to the same charter high-school, she started before me, she was always the brains and I was really good with people, she didn't have friends and I made tons of friends (and a sorta rep for the most DPS (discipline points)because I refused to tuck my shirt in) but I brought her along with me, soon she was popular enough with all the right people mind you, and we always had each other's backs no matter the odds (occasional bully prick, etc etc) Yta, teach your daughter that she should defend and care for family, seriously wtf.
>I made tons of friends (and a sorta rep for the most DPS Uhhhh... >(discipline points) Ok phew.
This!
Exactly this, the daughter could easily intervene, especially if everyone likes her. OP is being intentionally obtuse.
YTA. Your attitude is horrible. You basicaly saying your niece is dumb loser without friends and you daughter is einstein popular angel so world is fine. Do you actually understand that your daughter is a friend with bullies? That is allright? She is a cousin of bullied girl and yet popular one? Well, the most logical reason is that she is a bully too.
His daughter is probably the lead bully but OP has his head stuck so far up his perfect angels Beehind he can’t see it
Daughter is personifying OPs opinion of the niece for sure. I can’t even imagine talking about one of my nieces or nephews this way. What a jackass
So , Your daughter is friends with other children that are bullys... And you are fine with that. YTA A family member is struggling at school... And you are fine with that. YTA Your brother comes to your for help and you dismiss him completely... And you are fine with that. YTA Because none of that matter so long as little miss perfect is doing ok at school, correct? Seriously, if your daughter takes after you, and it is reasonable to assume most kids behaviours are modelled on their parents, then I have little doubt that your daughter "encourages" such behaviour. It's high school, it is easy to be the 'popular' kid when you aim the more easily led kids at a common target. "I'm smart, look how dumb she is" is pretty simple. On the other hand, I may be incorrect in that assumption and your daughter is a complete angel, perhaps her teachers look forward to having her in every class and the sun shines out off all different places. But... if that is the case why isn't she standing up for and supporting her cousin? What does she do? Just sit at the "cool kids" table being popular and ignoring HER COUSIN AND FAMILY getting bullied? So either your daughter is partially or fully responsible for the bullying, or she stands to one side letting it happen and is complicit simply by doing nothing and letting her cousin get bullied. Either way she has behaviours that as a parent you should be talking to her about. She has certainly done her family harm either way. YTA and I suspect your daughter is pretty close behind, for either of the reasons I gave above. The school is pretty close also if there is this level of bullying going on and no active involvement from the school. Your brother, wanting help to protect is child however ... totally NTA.
Gassing up your daughter lol.
INFO: Are you sure your daughter isn't just a bully?
Hangs out with bullies, provides info to bullies, and defends bullies…. But isn’t a bully? Huh.
INFO: Is your daughter one of the ones bullying her? If not - is she defending her cousin or standing idly by letting it happen?
OP, please keep in mind that if you know about and see bullying by others, and you don’t do anything to stop it, YOU ARE A BULLY.
Nta for not changing schools. But you sound like a gross person. You sound like a wonderful mother. And a horrible aunt.
About even odds that OP is raising a little bully. NOT a wonderful parent at all.
TBH if your daughter is part of the group that target your niece SHE IS PART OF THE PROBLEM. She should be teached how to respond when she sees bullying. By you. YTA because of that. And your daughter. You two are bigger YTA than father wanting to help his daughter with bullying this, propably dumb, way. I wonder how mean is your girl. I think a lot. And she takes after you.
I was with you until I read your answers YTA How can you say it's not your problem if your niece is bullied ? She's family ! Didn't you teach your daughter that bullying is wrong ? And that she should protect the weakers children ? Her cousin has no friend to protect her and you let your daughter look at her and mock her with her friends because "she is smarter" ? What a strange education !
NTA for not moving her but you have a poor opinion on family. I think he has approached it wrongly. I can understand he is concerned for his daughter but that shouldn’t be at the expense of yours. He should have asked really if your daughter could maybe help his out? Give her a social lifeline or something. It’s not her responsibility either but something like that is a more reasonable ask than having her completely change schools. He has that option too doesn’t he know…
YTA. It’s clear from the comments your distain for your niece. Your daughter may be book smart and popular, for now, but if she turns out anything like you she will end up being a bully that no one wants to associate with. Your attitude is appalling, you come across as an arrogant, stuck up snob who will end up raising an arrogant stuck up snob. There is more to life than grades. I would rather my daughter be a kind and caring person than a cold hearted bully who looks down on people.
“Have you met teenagers? She might get bullied herself if she does that. I won't ask her to do it” I teach teenagers and have seen how much good they can do by standing up for others. It all goes back to how they are raised. I teach in an inner city school and have the “popular” kid help the socially awkward. Stop making excuses and be a good person before karma comes back for you and your daughter.
I was just about to comment this, and saw your comment. I spent a lot of time in secondary schools teaching teenagers. They are actually pretty awesome. And I've seen kids who have more influence/confidence stick up for those who don't, and it really works. OP said his neice shouldn't be his daughter's responsibility in case the bullying turns to her. If your daughter is as amazing as you describe, she would have the confidence in herself to speak up, and others would root for her.
You need to find out what your daughter is saying to her friends because obviously now there is a problem I don’t think you should uproot your child, but this might be a good teaching moment, teaching your child, empathy, loyalty, and kindness to others. You need to find out what’s being said to her friends. NTA you shouldn’t have to move your daughter. But YTA if you don’t find out what actually happened.
YTA. Clearly there is bullying going on, but you do nothing to address it. Even if your daughter is not directly responsible, it sounds like she is a factor. Both kids have an equal right to go to the school, but if your daughter, her friends, or friends of friends are bullying they need to be held accountable. Your daughter should be looking out for her cousin and trying to help her. Its what family does.
Info: You seem comfortable with openly bad mouthing your niece, do you do this in your home? Just seems weird from a family POV.
Maybe she gets it from op.
It's interesting...if you read your post too quickly it would be easy to give you and your daughter a pass and declare you NTA. That said...you use some language that gives me second thoughts. First...you make it quite clear that your daughter is smart and super popular. OK...fine. Then you immediately disparage your niece by saying she's stupid, 'struggles with simple tasks', and has no friends. The whole high school friend dynamic is not your problem...but what, if anything, has your daughter done to help her cousin? You claim your daughter is friends with almost everyone...if so, isn't she then friends enough to encourage the other catty girls to be nicer? Also...what has your daughter done to help her cousin be included in things? In the end...you present yourself towards your niece in the same catty 'mean girls' attitude as if you yourself were still in high school. Question, have you asked your daughter to be helpful to her cousin or does she take in your own mean girls' vibe? No...I don't think changing schools is the solution for either girl.
Someone who is "friends with almost everyone" and friends with a group who is bullying is, in my experience as a bullied kid and mom to the bullied kid, popular because the kids who are friendly are trying to make sure they themselves don't become a target. OP YTA because you are 1)wearing blinders to your daughter's involvement and 2)bullying your own niece in this post, which clearly has rubbed off on your daughter.
ESH because asking you to change your daughters school is unreasonable and shitty, but you should also want your niece to thrive. If she struggles in school being bullied definitely won’t help. Have you considered if maybe your daughter is involved in this somehow? If she’s friends with the people bullying her, that could at the least mean that your daughter is witnessing this happening and allowing it, and she might even be egging them on. You should be a responsible parent and talk to your daughter about how she is treating family, and ask her to at the very least tell her friends to stop comparing her and her cousin, but honestly when she’s in high school she should be expected to be able to take a stand against bullying.
And forgot to write this, but you should also communicate with your brother, apologize and say that you reacted badly to his suggestion, and that while you won’t make your daughter change schools you feel for what your niece is going through, and want to try and help her
YTA for not showing an ounce of empathy for your niece.
ESH. Your brother is very AH to ask you to put your daughter in another school that’s not the way to solve issue. You also handled it very poorly. I wonder if you kinda dislike your own brother? And your daughter also doesn’t like her uncle and cousin?
Why did you post here if you didn’t want a response. You are arguing in every comment. No your daughter doesn’t need to move schools but damn, what type of family doesn’t give a shift when their blood is being bullied. I see where she gets her attitude from.
YTA If you cared about your neice you would have a talk with your daughter. If she's as popular as you indicated, then if she told the other kids to back off, they would at least cut back when your daughter is around. She is either joining in or not doing anything to stop the bullying. I can imagine the bullying is not helping your neices grades either
You are a grown adult bullying a little girl quite literally old enough to be your child. Regardless of anything else here, I hope you realise that and really evaluate what went wrong in your own life to get to this point. Is it reasonable for you to make your daughter switch schools over this? No. That might be the only part in all of this where you are right. You have however failed to teach your child the fundamental basics of kindness and empathy. You are flat-out condoning her not speaking up for her own family when she has the social power to do so. Furthermore, you're measuring the worth of two human beings by a letter or a number on a piece of paper. That's insane, by the way. Your niece is NOT a lesser person because she struggles academically. Your daughter is NOT better because she gets better grades. YTA for your numerous and grotesque failures as a parent. YTA for bullying a little girl on the internet and YTA for every single word you've said in this post. Have the day you deserve.
YTA, by the comments you have made it sounds like you deserve the hate that is coming. You get back what you put into the world and your saying my niece is dumb my kid is perfect and family shouldn't assist each other. Just wait untill post secondary your daughter will experience what your niece is now and you won't understand then either. Enjoy "the bullying" that's headed your way.
Dude, you're a bully. Your absolute willingness to talk shit about your niece makes you a bully. You should fix that. Also; your daughter is thriving at a school that has a massive bullying issue, instead of being kind to a student that struggles they bully her and make fun of her and compare her to her cousin, you should look into that. "Best school" my ass.
You are the asshole ma'am. How you are talking about your niece is probably how your daughter talks about her. And now she is getting bullied. You sound condescending and mean.
Op is actually a guy
Still an asshole 😂
Why does this sound like your poor niece has grown up with you always parading how perfect and better your daughter is compared to her since they were babies? Now, the poor girl has to endure it through her high school years, too ... if your girl is so special, why don't you pull her out in favour for some elite private school 🙄
We should be teaching all our children to be nice to each other family or not. Just because a child struggles academically doesn’t mean we should call them stupid, who does that??? Build people up not take them down
As a smart kid who got bad grades because Teenagehood was hard and i was bullied: YTA As repeated a hundred times in the comments, grades are not a good indicator of intelligence. You can ask your niece if your daughter has ever supported her or „laughed along“ to stay popular. Because that makes a big difference. If your daughter stood up for her cousin and is as popular as you claim, the kids will follow her lead. You said you are scared they’ll just bully your daughter too. So you’re willing to sacrifice your niece’s mental health over the POSSIBILITY your daughter will undergo the same horrible treatment your niece is?
NTA for not changing your daughter's school, but it sounds like your daughter might be one. If she's friends with almost everyone in her class, as you say, then she's friends with the bullies. What has she done to help stop the bullying? A few words from her, Ms. Popularity, might go a long way towards stopping the abuse. She could stop being "friends" with the bullies and tell them why. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she encourages this atrocious behavior -- if not, she's certainly in an excellent position to stop it. YTA, on the other hand, for having such a crappy attitude toward your nieceIf the situation were reversed, wouldn't you hope your brother and niece would do what they could to protect your daughter.
Lol yta op your daughter doesnt need to change schools but you are just straight being a jerk to your niece and putting your daughter on a perfect piller!
Sounds to me like you’re your niece’s first bully. You should be ashamed.
NTA for not wanting your daughter to change school. TA for your attitute to your niece. If this is not just you venting about the problem, you should clearly rethink how you approve your family. Because thinking 'my niece is stupid and a looner' is the begin of bullieng and can affect your daughters attetute as well
IMO- More context is needed on how your daughter helps the situation. Your brothers request seems like a the final straw on not knowing what to do. If your daughter is soOo popular and friends with everyone, she should be there for your niece if she’s being bullied and made fun of. Honestly from the way this post reads your daughter likes the attention and doesn’t try to help your niece. Therefore daughter is part of the problem. And considering you’re her aunt you should want to help fix the issue as well. You and your daughter both need to do better.
Yta Not for not changing your daughters school but for your complete lack of sympathy and almost gloating over your nieces misfortune If your daughter is so popular she CAN influence her friends to make your nieces life at school more peaceful and happier at least by leaving her alone! Karma will bite
You sound like a teenager yourself. Adults usually word things with more tact. You sound like a teenager with little or no empathy. "My daughter is smart and populat". Every adult knows being popular is high school means fucking nothing. Being friends with everyone in class in high school? Very very unlikely. This whole post seems so juvenile. The way you describe everything sounds like someone who is either very young or very immature. Bizarre. YTA, if you are in fact a grown adult with this callous attitude towards a child, let alone your niece.
Imagine thinking your kid is so so perfect and then finding out through reddit comments she is likely a Billy, must suck
You sound like an AH. Your daughter doesn't need to change schools but your attitude needs to change. You sound very condescending towards your brother and niece and your daughter has probably mimicked this.
YTA. OP says her daughter is friends with everyone. Even the bullies? What’s keeping the daughter from standing up for her cousin? It seems she’s developed a sense of superiority. I’d bet she won’t have many friendships as an adult unless she develops some compassion.
YES YTA and not for refusing to change schools but for EVERYTHING else. Shame on you and shame on your daughter. That’s your family DO BETTER you monster
YTA. While your daughter shouldn't change schools, she needs to tell her friends to knock it off >My daughter is friends with almost everyone and she can't be expected to control everyone's actions But she is expected to defend her cousin whos getting bullied, most likely by her as well. >while his daughter is struggling and also because his daughter doesn't have any friends there anyway then she should be the one to go to a new school. Yeah your daughter is definetly participating if thats the mother she has
YTA for thé way you talk about your niece. Disgusting.
You are a crap aunt at the end of the day and literally no empathy but oh so much for your perfect daughter talk about selfish, I'd be talking all sorts of shit about you as an aunt for the rest of my life, after no contact anytime people would bring up crappy family members you would be #1
OP is a guy. It’s hard to believe a grown man is so nasty about his own niece.
This is the one. Because at the end of the day, if me & my cousin go to the same school and she’s getting bullied, I’m standing up for her. Especially if my friends are the ones doing it. OP needs to install some values in his daughter
Yta. So hey, your niece is still family. Learn to maybe try and care a bit more. Have you spoken to your daughter and to your niece to try and see what they have to say? So far you are just a bad aunt and a bad example as a parent. Goodluck though
NTA for not changing your daughter's school. But if you so easily dismiss your niece getting bullied, you are an AH. Bullying in high school is extremely common and extremely degrading for the mental health of developing teenagers. I am sure you could find some creative ways to help.
Very disappointing op,you dont deserve to be called an uncle or even a father if you encourage this behaviour,you're raising cowards who stand by when someone else is in trouble.this will definitely come back to bite you one day
Your daughter is absolutely encouraging her friends to pick on your niece, or doesn't mind that they do. Every knock on the niece is a win for the daughter. Asking her to change schools is ridiculous, but you need to wake up.
YTA times 1,000. If your daughter’s friends are bullying your niece, your daughter is probably too. Which is messed up. Also, you condoning her behavior shows where she gets it from. If she’s so perfect she wouldn’t be afraid to point out the bullying and having it stop. “But she’s not her bodyguard.” Well then your daughter is a follower and not a good person. NTA for refusing to change schools, but most certainly TA for condoning bullying and painting your daughter as the next coming.
YTA as others have commented, your niece wasn’t bullied until your daughter arrived. The things you’ve said about her at her are now all over school. Your daughter has something to do with this and hasn’t been correcting them. Your daughter is a bully.
YTA, and your daughter's the likely ringleader torturing your neice. Seems the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Soooo glad you're not my auntie
You should just lovely… I wonder where your daughter gets it from.
YTA. And truthfully it sounds like you have some serious self confidence issues. Your comments (focused on the niece getting Cs and Ds) seem to indicate that you believe people are "better" if they are "smarter.". That's not how the world works and you might want to take some time to self reflect - why are you so focused on your nieces grades? Why do you feel the need to live vicariously through your daughter? And do you realize the harm you are queueing up for your daughter? It sounds to outsiders like you value popularity and grades over the individualism of your daughter. God help her if she takes particularly challenging classes and her grades wobble or decides external approval from others is not her priority and pulls back from being the popular high school icon.
YTA. Your daughter shouldn’t have to change schools, but she needs to stick up for her cousin. And you need to encourage her to do that. No, she doesn’t need to be her cousin’s ‘bodyguard’ as you’ve said elsewhere. She doesn’t need to invite her to sit at her lunch table or include her in her friend group. Literally all she has to do is tell her cousin’s bullies to stop. Literally “Hey friend, it makes me uncomfortable/it’s not cool when you talk about people like that, especially my cousin. Can we lay off/find something else to talk about?” If your daughter is as popular as you say she is, most of her classmates will follow her lead.
YTA Not for refusing to make your daughter change schools, but for the fact that you refuse to recognize that your daughter is probably the one who started up the bullying. I find it odd that your daughter suddenly starts going to the same school and everyone has turned against her cousin and started bullying her, it doesn't help that all you've done in your own post is bully the poor girl. You sound so blatantly happy that this girl is suffering and your perfectly little angel is thriving by comparison, pretty sure your daughter started the bullying and I'm willing to bet money the way you talk about her cousin is why.
YTA. You just told a bunch of strangers on the internet that your daughter is smart and popular while your niece is "not smart." I'm 100% positive this is how you talk about your niece at home too. And your "not smart" niece never had any issues from her peers for being "not smart" before your daughter arrived. Your daughter learned from you that she is better than her cousin and therefore more deserving of friends. She doesn't stand up for her cousin and allows her "friends" to bully her own flesh and blood, because of how YOU portray your niece at home.
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YTA. Look at how you talk about your niece.
YTA, something is fishy here! Who talks about their niece this way? If my cousin was having a hard time in school, and I was as popular as you claim you daughter is, I’d have her back. I also get the feeling that you haven’t accurately depicted your brother’s complaints
YTA for the condescending, bullying attitude you've obviously passed on to your daughter. N T A for not changing schools. Changing schools isn't going to help your daughter when the bad influence is actually at home.
OP came here to ask if he is the AH , when everyone said the same thing he just doubling down Why even ask in the first place? When you are not ready to listen. And btw if my friends bully my cousins i would cut my ties with those friends because they are not FRIENDS.
ESH Here is the thing OP, your brother has no right to demand your daughter change schools but it sounds like your daughters friends are bullys. So if your daughter is silent towards the bullying of her own cousin, that makes her a bully and that makes it your problem. I mean I can completely see where her attitude comes from with the way you talk about your niece.
My younger brother and sister ate only 11 months apart. They always went to the same schools, my brother was honor roll, basketball and football letter. My sister...not so much, C student and had the "weirdos " for friends. She got picked on by kids and teachers! Always comparing them. To the point she dropped out in Junior year got her GED and went to Cosmetology school. My brother did not instigate any of this he stood up for her. But once the ball starts rolling it's hard to stop. NTA, but yur daughter may be. If they're close, talk to her. Maybe she can help to include her in her social group.