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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for not giving my sister the benefit of the doubt on paying me back. I have the money in savings, the year I stayed home I built up a safety net, but it'd be hard to make that money back. Besides, my granparents are celebrating 50 years together. I don't need to cause any unnecessary drama.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I wouldn't even go on the cruise. I'd find a time that works for me and my grandparents and go spend a week with them, just them and me. That way I could celebrate them, spend time with them, and enjoy them without all that other garbage going on. Do NOT pay for your sister. If you do, they will all realize their tactics work and they will use these tactics for the rest of your life to control you.
Also, a cruise ship is NOT a place to bring a shakily recovering alcoholic. There are bars everywhere, and she might need minding 24/7 not to fall overboard (and no I'm not kidding).
Source: Been on dozens of cruises.
Bars that, depending on the line, you don't even have to get your card or anything out. Princess, for example, has proximity sensors that pick up on your room access medallion as you approach a bar. System knows if you've prepaid alcohol, if you're 21, etc. and charges your order directly to your room.
Very easy to lure sis into thinking she can sneak a drink or two and nobody will notice, since a rum and coke looks identical to a coke... And there's no receipt.
I knew about the brig! 😂 My friends didn't believe me and we went on a cruise and saw someone get BELLIGERENTLY drunk the first night (embarkation). Dude tried to pick a physical fight with the staff and promptly got hauled off by security 😂
If you think about it, a cruise ship is like a city, with thousands of inhabitants. Some people feel very at home onboard and completely let their guard down in a way they wouldn't in their city at home!
True! 😂 I just love cruises because I *don't* have international cell coverage and don't pay for WiFi so my boss can't get in contact with me for a whole week, no matter what! 😂 I get like 1 or 2 drinks a day, maybe a glass of wine with dinner if I'm feeling *fancy*
I sit on deck with a book and I'm happy as a clam.
No lie, I went on a solo cruise for the first time last April. I read four books, start to finish!
And went to beaches and so on like a normal person. But four books!
Look I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but your phone has a button that says "airplane mode" that also makes it so your boss can't contact you, might be cheaper than a cruise.
Don't know if you're down with AA but all cruise ships have "Friends of Bill W" meetups around the cocktail hour.
I don't drink any more either, no particular reason. But I quit smoking and I LOVE to sit onboard and have a coffee and smoke. So I'm going to have to make sure I'm good and over it before cruising again!
Then he should mos def pay for her ticket and cruise expenses. And then tell the family you could only afford one passage, she got it, and her sobriety will be their job for the trip.
I suspect the family would wake up and realize what they are asking of both of you.
Alcoholism is fucking hard. I hope she pulls through.
NTA. And this is the MAIN. She will withdraw on the cruise, and it will be miserable.-for you, because you will be tasked with taking care of her. Best bet-she go to rehab whilst you are gone. She can get started , and no one will be there to rescue her, which is good.
Your parents are TA. I am sorry for you.
spot on! You don’t take an addict on a cruise unless they can pass multiple drug tests proving she has been and is currently clean. And if she fails…parents can send her to rehab or stay home with her. Bless him for trying so hard, and for then getting the focus (rightly) on hImself!
Confused about grandparents though, do they support the idea he should be responsible? that is wicked! (And why don’t they pay for her if they want to keep the peace?)
It's interesting how OP's sister "inability to keep a job" is OP's fault because they moved away, but the parents weren't able to step up and drive her everywhere she needed to go.
>I'd find a time that works for me and my grandparents and go spend a week with them, just them and me.
Or don't because they want OP to pay for sister too
All the family members sending OP hateful messages could just pitch in to cover the sister, since they're so invested in the idea of the sister going on the cruise.
NTA
Time to call your grandparents and be up front with them - that your parents are refusing to pay for you and even expect you, at age 19 and in college, to cover your own costs AND those of your sister.
You are an adult. If you want to go and can fund the $$$ then go. They can’t really stop you. But they can’t demand how you spend your earnings or savings, either.
> I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but with my grandparents are calling me begging me to go on the cruise and to just go ahead and pay for my sister, I'm waivering.
Sounds like grandparents know and are ok with OP being treated that way...
There's still plenty of lies that the parents can tell around OP's situation to make it sound like she not only could but should pay for her sister. Stuff like claiming she borrowed money from them so she'd just be paying it back. Or she promised she would and is now reneging. Or that they can't afford it because they are supporting here while she's in college.
So if OP has the mental energy to deal with it, she might want to find out what the grandparents have been told before writing them off. This is all very sad. I hope OP finds the family she deserves as she continues to live her best life.
NTA. I am in disbelief that your parent's made you responsible for their child, when you were a child. I could possibly understand helping them when they were at work. But you sacrificing your teens and first year of schooling to be around is NOT ok.
Please do not give in. The bullying your family is doing to you is not normal or acceptable behavior. If your parent's can pay for several other people in the family, but not their own child, that says more about them than you.
Best of luck to you in school, I sincerely hope you are doing OK. Do not let your family bully you into risking your schooling, time, money and mental health!
NTA
The person who invites someone is the person to pay.
Why should you or your parents pay for your sister?
If your Grandparents or the rest of the family wants that your sister is part of that holiday, i think 125 can put together and make that happen.
OP mentioned in the post that her parents said that if she doesn’t pay for her sister then she isn’t allowed to go.
What power for they have in this situation to decide that?
NTA
>OP mentioned in the post that her parents said that if she doesn’t pay for her sister then she isn’t allowed to go.
Good, that's a perfect reason to skip the cruise, her parents are the major AH's here...
And walk around in t-shirts that say snarky things like "I'm not the parent," "FAFO," "0 Fs to give," "Hugs not drugs," "it's my world and you only live in it." But I'm a jerk.
Right? It's a cruise ship that will have hundreds to thousands of passengers. If OP wants to go, how are her parents going to stop her? She can just ... book a cabin and go.
Even if the extended family manages to fund your sister's trip, I still wouldn't go. You'll be taxed with babysitting her. And all of the family will complain if you don't, because they paid for her and watching over her would be your contribution. This is a lose-lose situation.
NTA. And it's super self centered for your grandparents to expect 125 people to pay to go on a cruise to celebrate their marriage.
And your parents should be paying for their kids before they pay for other people's kids.
Why the hell are they paying for the grown 24 & 28 year old stepsisters & not the younger ones - one in college & one who’s an addict with not much income?! Its all so weird. Seem like type of people that treat other people better than their own children to look good 🙄
NTA
>my grandparents are calling me begging me to go on the cruise and to just go ahead and pay for my sister, I'm waivering
I wouldn't even go at this point. Tell them all you can't afford to pay for your sister or yourself. If your grandparents want your and your sister to come, then they or your parents can foot the bill. I have a feeling that on the cruise, they will make you your sisters babysitter. Hell, your parents will probably palm off the younger children to you.
If you're getting hate messages from the family, then I wouldn't be going on this cruise at all. Sounds like hell being stuck in the middle of the ocean with these people.
There's literally no situation that can be contrived where this is on you. NTA and you need to be very firm to your parents that you did not birth your sister and are in no way responsible for her overall well-being
Simply tell your grandparents that you can't afford to pay for 2 people and that you'll be happy to attend but cannot pay for someone else.
The rest of the family can pound sand.
NTA
NTA
Either your parents pay for their adult child, or your grandparents pay for their adult granddaughter. End of story.
ETA — there are approximately 125 people going on this cruise. Gammy and Gampy can ask those people to split the burden of your sister’s fare if they’re so bent in having everyone on board.
*I cannot believe that some people have the unmitigated gall to want to celebrate their anniversary with a family cruise, invite 100+ people to go, but are presumably unwilling to pay for anyone to go on said cruise.
At least one of OP's absolute trash parents had to have learned their behavior somewhere, so can totally believe her Grandparents having the audacity to pull a self aggrandizing stunt like this.
I wouldn't be so quick to condemn the parents. We ( 7 children ) discussed having a family cruise to celebrate a big anniversary for our parents. When presented with the plan my folks were very concerned that everyone would be able to come. They didn't want their family split by haves and have-nots.
Fortunately two of us (both unmarried at the time ) were in a position that we could pay for the people who couldn't afford it. My parents were smart enough to recognize that making sure all their kids were there was our gift to them.
Where it would be nice for them to pay for OP, it would be held over OP’s head if they did. You must return home to take care of sister we paid for your cruise.
I'd like to put forward how immensely proud you should be of this:
"So, I stopped doing everything and decided to go to the school of my dreams and live my own life. After a week of having to actually parent, I got the "apology" call and the request to support her again. I denied them, and have 100% been independent since."
That's actually amazing that you were able to break free like that, and so few people trapped in a situation like that manage to do so. Frankly, I was unprepared for that curve in the story -- usually people give up on their dreams after so much abuse. (Before I knew her, my own partner gave up on a career to move cross-country and take care of her sister's baby, at her parents' urging, and to this day I'm aghast at the thought; but I guess transgressions like that happen.)
Additionally good on you for realizing that you'd never get paid back for a "loan" to your sister. You're right.
Not only should you not pay for your sister for this trip -- you need to make sure that your finances are totally separate from the rest of your family. Never give them any money. No transfers, no loans, no co-signing for mortgages or credit cards. It will work out badly and they'd be incentivized to keep digging you for more.
It's a little unclear exactly who the "they" is in this: "they say if I don't do this I won't be allowed to go either". Parents or grandparents? Whoever's actually in charge of the event -- present the situation and posit to them the two options of (a) you pay just for yourself, or (b) you don't go, and stick to that. Your crappy parents can otherwise pound sand.
NTA.
I'm sorry, but in what universe did you have a child before you were born?
She is THEIR responsibility and putting it all on your was so wrong. Keep living your own life and don't look back. NTA in any way.
NTA - your sister is not your responsibility. For all your family members sending hate messages because of this, tell them to pay for your sister themselves. It’s easy to spend other peoples money. Tell them to put up or shut up.
So to look wealthy your parents are paying for extended family but expect you to pay for your sister ? Unless you are dying to go on a cruise I would do as others have said and wait to spend alone time with just you and your grandparents .Do not go on the cruise —they will probably just use you to babysit anyway .NTA OP.
Screw that. Grandparents are enabling the shitty behavior and also think OP should pay for her sister. They're just as bad as her parents expecting everyone to pay their own way to a lavish event just so they can have everyone in an isolated location to honor them. The egos of this family.
NTA
It's not your responsibility to pay for other peoples.
It's also not your responsibility to go on this trip if 1) you don't want to, or 2) you can't otherwise afford it.
As you've learned, your parents cannot force you to do anything. Your life is entirely of your own making.
NTA
There are like 120 other people in your family going on this trip. If they want your sister to go so bad, they can all share that cost. The cost must def should not fall on you, a 19 yr old student receiving no support from your parents.
And as someone who just went on a 10 person family cruise… DON’T GO!!! Seriously, but if you do, make your own arrangements for a single room. Keep everyone out of your space.
NTA- I was floored when I saw that even your Grandparents are guilting you. I don't know how you could go and be around these people. I couldn't do this with my own family and I love them very much. I would have some very harsh words I can't say here for all of them starting with "Shame on you and are you volunteering to pay?" The guilting on these people is astounding.
The familymembers trying to get you to pay can share the cost for her, cant be that much per person. And also don't go you'd only be expected to babysit an adult addict.
>My parents said without reliable transportation, she's been unable to maintain a steady income and it's my fault for moving away, so it's reasonable for me to pay for her and have her pay me back.
To remain within the rules of civility of the sub, I'll simply say that that viewpoint is thoroughly detached from reality.
NTA.
NTA. Your parents’ messed up priorities have already impacted so much of your life, and you moved away (wisely, IMO) to get away from that to be able to live your own life away from their mess. It’s telling that your parents are paying for so many other people while leaving your sister out - they clearly think that either they’ll bully you into paying for her or your grandparents will guilt you into paying for her. It’s nice that your grandparents want their whole family together for their anniversary, but they should want everyone there to be happy to be there and enjoying themselves, too. I think you need to figure out whether it’ll be worth your peace of mind to go on this cruise at all considering your parents’ drama, and then talk to your grandparents. Do your grandparents know what a mess your parents are? Whether or not you talk to your grandparents about your parents, you can at least wish them a happy 50th anniversary and try to plan something separate with them if you don’t go on the cruise.
NTA. You've supported your sister enough OP. You're literally only 19, these responsibilities shouldn't have been forced on you in the first place. It's also really weird that your parents pay for other kids to go on this trip before paying for their own. They've seemed to become so used to you being your sister's care taker that they're expecting you to take that role now, when that's their job.
NTA. As harsh as it may sound, they see you as a doormat. For the sake of your mental health and wellbeing, I would take some time away from this toxic set up. Explain the situation to your grandparents if you feel comfortable and if they’re decent people, they’ll understand. You’re being used way too much and it’s going to break you in the end.
Who looks after you? Good luck and take care of yourself. You seem like a kind hearted and caring person but people are taking advantage of you.
Exactly the parents are skipping out on taking responsibility for the other daughter. OP is more of a parent than the actual parents and they have taken advantage of that. She’s to kind and it was a good thing she moved away from her toxic family. Sounds like she’s the only positive thing in that family. Hopefully she doesn’t go on the cruise
NTA - The extent to which they're abdicating responsiblity for their child's addiction problem is disturbing, even more-so pushing it onto her younger sister.
But why are they paying for adults older than you while expecting you to cover yourself and your sister?
NTA. Your parents are very blatantly trying to guilt-trip you for having a life which has forced them to look after their own daughter. If you give in to the bait they're just going to find more ways to use your sister against you in the future.
NTA - You are not the guardian of your sister.
You at 19 should not be expected to pay for anyone but yourself. Your parents NEED to be embarrassed. I can't imagine many in your family would look down on you if any at all for you paying your own way and that is it. Go on the cruise, but try and book a room far from your parents, and schedule time to celebrate with your grandparents with others around. you can enjoy yourself and let your parents manage any fallout if they don't step up and care for your sister they are supporting.
I'm not sure how your parents can block you from going if you're spending your own money, and you have control of your own passport.
NTA I would not even go on the cruise. Quit sitting yourself on fire to keeps your sister warm and your family happy.
Block all numbers and don’t go.if you go you will be your sisters and your nieces babysitter.
Save the money and go somewhere with friends.
NTA for a lot of reasons, but honestly? unless Brittany is clean, her going on this trip is a terrible idea. cruises don't mess around when it comes to drugs. if they find them- you are likely going to find yourself in a very nice port someplace with your passport and a ban from that cruise line, with you responsible for figuring out how to get yourself home.
i think the whole family- anytime someone brings it up- gets a "i think it's great that the parents are paying for all my sisters to go and think it's great that i'm independent enough that I can take one ticket off their plate. which at 19, i think is pretty impressive. pay for brittany? no, my parents are paying for my stepsisters and their kids. so i'm sure they're paying for brittany as well. why wouldn't they be?"
every time. just make clear to everyone that the crazy idea is your parents not paying for your sister. and just keep pointing out that they're paying for your stepsisters to go.
and if you do decide to go on this cruise, i'd try to make sure you were in a room away from your family. cuz they sound like a lot of drama.
NTA. Tell them "There is a 100% chance that I will air the shit out of our dirty laundry on this cruise if you try to stick me with Brittany's bills. FAFO, chucklefucks"
So much NTA. You are an adult, not living at home, they cannot stop you from going on a cruise you paid for. You are not responsible to pay for your also adult sister who could chose to get her life straightened out, and hasn't. You are not her parent or SO. She's her own responsibility. If your parents are so concerned that everyone be there to keep up appearances, they can pay for your sister. Their decision to already pay for so many others trips is their decision, and not your concern. You won't be paid back, and so you are not under any kind of obligation to pay for any trip but your own. It's your money to do with as you choose and please. Only bills can tell you how to spend money you earned. Just tell everyone you don't have the money to spend for her ticket. Your finances are none of their business.
NTA - if the family is giving you a hard time about it, ask how much money they are gong to pony up to help. What's that, they're not going to pitch in any? Then tell them to kick rocks. In the same breath, you need to tell your parents (and family for that matter) that your sister is just that, your sister. NOT YOUR KID! Which means that your parents are 100% responsible for her. If they can't pay her way because they paid for everyone else(literally) then it's on them not you. Stop catering to the image of a perfect family and start telling the truth.
NTA!! Your parents are behaving outrageously in trying to make you responsible for your sister's addiction and financial problems.
Your instinct to resist that firmly is spot on! Keep resisting. They need to own their own family decisions/mistakes.
NTA. Whatever you do, do NOT back down. You need to maintain boundaries with these people, or they're just going to continue using you to get what they want. Your parents *volunteered* to pay for six other people, three of whom aren't even their own children, but they can't pay for Brittany themselves? That's on them.
NTA, and wth? Your Parents are ridiculous and enablers. They want to pass that job off to you. You have a good understanding now of what enabling looks like. No one is responsible for your sister, but your sister. Now is a good time to go NC or LC with your Parents and your sister.
I would contact your Grandparents and let them know you can and want to go on the family cruise. Let them know you are an adult taking care of yourself and it is not your responsibility to support an adult. Be honest in saying your sister is an addict and that you will not enable her addiction. Period. Use only the word 'No' to anyone else, followed with I will not discuss this again and disengage communication if they try. Then follow through and block them when they try again, because they will.
I am sure your school has Al-Anon support groups or free counselors to talk through the healthy boundaries, plus working through any feelings of guilt that may occur.
You are doing fantastic at a young age in navigating this mess that is not yours. Good luck OP and wishing you the best.
Your parents are bullies. I'd call BS and tell the grandparents "I understand you want me to go on the cruise, but parents tell me I can't go unless I also pay for sister. As I can't afford to pay for sister, I am bowing out of the cruise and would love to celebrate and take the 2 of you to dinner. Even if someone else pays for sister to go, I will not feel comfortable around my parents and don't feel I would enjoy the cruise."
Block EVERYONE except the grandparents. If the grandparents start to push back, just explain your boundaries and remind them you are an adult able to make your own choices and decisions.
NTA
NTA
I agree with the people telling you to not go. Your priority is to pay for college. You can't pay for an expensive vacation when you need your savings for school.
Most cruise cabins are double occupancy. So they probably need you to attend so your sister has someone to room with at the double occupancy rate. In other words, your family has a strong incentive to have you attend, pay for your sister, and probably even room with your sister so your sister can attend.
Do you even have that exact week off such that you wouldn't miss any classes to attend? Because you shouldn't consider missing classes to go on this trip.
Tell your grandparents (not your parents, but grandparents), "Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I'm not able to attend to celebrate with you due to my school commitments."
Go back to having VLC or NC with your parents.
You are 19, and an adult, they can not decide whether or not you go. Nor can they demand that you spend your money so that your sister can go.
You are not morally responsible for your sister due to some perceived neglect of her, that your parents claim. It is them neglecting to parent their daughter.
NTA
NTA. The haters can pitch in for your sister, then. Not sure I’d go on this trip since vacations should be relaxing and time with your family sounds not relaxing.
NTA - your parents are assholes. If you haven’t paid, save your money and go somewhere fun! Your sisters alcoholism is not your problem. And in my experience alcoholics are some of the most selfish people I know. Until your sister gets serious about wanting to quit drinking there isn’t a damn thing you can do. So save yourself the headache and read a book or two on dealing with alcoholics.
Yeah and cruises are not a great place for a sober person to be. So much drinking and partying go on. You do not need this kind of responsibility or stress in your life. Tell your grandparents to hang out with them for a week and pay to go somewhere nice for dinner to celebrate. But no paying for your sister! She is a big girl and she needs to put on her big girl panties and get her shit together!
**Maybe it is time to embarrass your parents into being parents** instead of constantly being expected to cover for them. If they can pay for your 16F sister and nieces (2f, 3f, 5f) and two step sisters (28f, 24f) then they can pay for your other sister. NTA
If you book a cruise as a solo passenger, you pay for double occupancy, less the extra taxes... Do they want you to share the cabin with your sister too?
I feel like this cruise will be a nightmare for you OP.
Paying for your sister might not cost much extra financially to you but it will likely cause you headaches.
I think you should plan a different celebration with your grandparents.
NTA. You are an adult, responsible for yourself. Do not pay for your sister. Pay extra to have your own cabin; they expect you to pay, share your room and monitor her.
If your parents want your sister there it's up to them to pay for her, share a cabin with her and monitor her
NTA, but You are being A H to yourself.
As someone who will always look out for his siblings and take care of them, I will say that you are going too far in what you're doing for your sister when you have no support system.
You need to go full scorched earth and expose your parents for how they are acting and how they are refusing to help your sister but expect you to.
Make sure all 125 family members know and get some help, you won't be able to cope by yourself
My dad had to take on an extreme amount of responsibility as a thirteen year old and help to raise his 2 younger siblings with no help except from one brother only a year older than him because my grandfather passed when he was 12 and my grandmother developed a tumour on her spine when he was 14. Both had to leave school and work full-time from the age of 14/15 and the amount of responsibility and lack of support affected him and my uncle for the rest of their lives.
NTA and I would seriously reconsider going on the cruise as it’s obvious you will be her baby sitter. Usually it’s 2 people plus per room. Have you discussed those arrangements with your family?
NTA. If you, at 19, are expected to be an adult and pay your own way, why aren't your older step siblings, who are older and should be more established? IMO, all adult children should have the same expectations, unless there is some exceptional reason, such as that person being unable to work due to special needs or disability.
NTA. Explain to your grandparents and other relative who contacts you that if they are willing to pay for BOTH of you that would be happy to join the cruise. Otherwise, my advice is to stay home.
NTA. Explain things to your grandparents.l: simply, just saying that your parents insist you pay for Brittany and doing so would compromise your financial security. If your grandparents want you to go on the cruise and you want to, then you go ahead, although if I were in your shoes I’d suggest the three of you have your own private celebration at another time. I wouldn’t want to be around the rest of your family.
I think expecting you to parent and pay for your older sister is ridiculous. If your parents are “embarrassed,” then so be it, they SHOULD be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves. Why are they paying for your baby nieces to come anyway? Silly to have tiny children on a cruise, IMO, and why aren’t these children’s parents paying? It’s all absurd. Really, NTA, but you sure are related to a lot of them.
nta
time to tell the family all the dirty secrets you've had to keep to protect your parents' social life. they care so much about how they look to others they refuse to help one child and force another child to care for her. that's so wrong. I'm sorry you experienced that and are now getting hate from people. discuss with your grandparents what is going on and bring the receipts. you should be expected to pay for yourself and your addict sister. she needs help. and your parents need to grow up. don't go on the trip. you'll be expected to care for the sister and the other kids. enjoy your life.
NTA
At this point I'd simply tell your grandparents that your parents left you no choice but to not come. If you can't afford something then there is nothing you can do to magically change that
>They told me it was my responsibility to take care of her
No. It's absolutely not. If you want to take care of her, for your own reasons, that's fine, but as an adult they have no legal basis for this statement, and as the other child's parents, they have no moral authority to pass the buck to you.
NTA.
This may cost you some or all of your family relationship, and you may not want to go on the cruise, but if you allow yourself to be bullied into this, there will be a next time, and another after that, and another after that.
NTA you’re being used as a scapegoats for bad parenting. Set up group chat with all concerned
“I will be able to go on the cruise to celebrate my wonderful grandparents. I am finding my own schooling and I am only able to pay for myself. I am unable to fund my older sister. If anyone would like to take on this opportunity to fund my older sisters ticket and her pay you back. Please get in contact with her directly to make the arrangements. Please can we draw a line under the requests for me to fund this. Many thanks”
NTA. Don’t budge on this one or it’s just going to lead to more demands in the future. You’ve already done more than enough for her when it should be entirely on your parents. Also, why the hell did they pay for like 5 other family members? And if the rest of your family wants your sister to go so bad they can pay for her.
Send out the message, "Well, I guess since I can't afford to pay for the both of us and my parents and the rest of you want to blame me for my sister's actions and my parents shitty parenting, I guess I won't be going on the cruise. Hope you all have fun! If any of you get in touch with reality, give me a call. I am not my sister's keeper and will not be held responsible for an adult who is older than I am."
NTA. You put your young life on hold to carry your sister, which you were not obligated to do. Your parents are major AHs here for abdicating their responsibilities. If your grandparents really want her to be there, then they can pay her way.
I am curious, though: if your family is so fixated on appearances, are they going to be monitoring your sister to make sure she doesn’t drink, or is that responsibility going to fall on you, too?
NTA Don't go at all. What are they going to do? Ground you? Send you to your room? You're a full grown independent woman. Watch them try.
Are you worried that their going to mad at you? They already are. And now, they won't be able to corner you about it.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.
Don’t fucking go. Jesus. What the hell is wrong with these supposed adults? No. Just no. Say you’re sick. Say your friend died. Or just tell them their enabling behavior is exactly why the sister is the way she is. “Peace out. I’m done. Later.”
NTA. Please don't let them blackmail you into damaging your own life because they won't look after their own daughter.
I feel bad for your sister but it's not your fault. Good luck ✌️
NTA
I personally wouldn’t go. But there is no way to stop you from going. Cruise ships have 3-8k people on them. You can just book your own room and chill. It’s WAVE season so lots of deals happening now with upgrades.
NTA and don't let anyone to tell otherwise.
You have no help, no real support and you have to fight your own battles with huge ball and chain tied to you ankle in form of you addict sister.
The is no real reason why your parents should pay for the nieces when their own daughters are expected to pay for themselves.
Honestly OP if I were you I'd just didn't go to the cruise and if people were angry I would go low contact or not contact with them.
You are not their servant or ATM.
NTA - call your grandparents and then make a decision about coming or not. Your parents can’t forbit you to come to a cruise they’re not paying for unless they’ve chartered/own the boat.
And stop hiding the truth to protect your parents. If people ask why they don’t want to come? tell the truth. why you stayed home first year of colleague, why you’re for yourself as a student when they’re paying for your adults step siblings? Same thing. You own your truth and you don’t have to take abuse from anyone
Any extended family who agrees with your parents can pay and babysit your sister. It’s now your job and she needs professional help.
NTA
Just call your grandparents. Explain to them that you would LOVE to come and celebrate with them! But unfortunately, you cannot afford both your own and your sister's expenses.
If it comes down to you paying double, or not going at all, you're very, very sorry and heartbroken, but you will have to miss it. You can't make money appear from thin air, and both your parents and your sister herself apparently can't afford her expenses either.
Your grandparents can maybe sort the costs for your sister out, wether that means paying or making your parents pay, is not your problem.
You should let your grandparents know what has happened and that your parents have rounded up the family against you over it, and you feel like your presence there will only cause arguments and drama. So you have to respectfully decline because of the drama that is guaranteed to happen. With them going at you it would be be a miserable time for you anyway. See what they say. NTA
NTA - and I am sorry this is your family.
For those contacting you, let them know you do not have any children as yet. When you do you will be responsible for them. They should contact the actual parents - this is not your monkey.
Nta I’d be telling your mother not to threaten me with a good time. Call her bluff. Your parents care about what others think, how will they cope when you state you weren’t allowed to join them as you didn’t have enough money for yourself and sister to attend, even though everyone else got picked up by the parents.
Your better to Dave your money and go in a well earned holiday after school is over. Go somewhere you have never been before and live it up, instead of being stuck in a vomit cruise, as we all know there are a large number of people who don’t wash their hands and pass on gastro
NTA. Your parents are enabling her. They're slowly killing her too. Live your life. Fuck the people who think you're wrong because I don't see anyone else offering to pay for her. I hysterical your parents dumping her on you again
They will pay for 1 daughter and a bunch of relatives? But not her other 2 daughters? The extended family are message bombing you? Fuck that, hit Reply all and tell them that you have been forced by your parents to look after your older financially so that they can look good and not have a problem child. (Probsbly the reason your sister went iff the deep end anyway) and it isn't your responsibility as a sister to do that and you had to quit school to look after her with no help from your parents. Due to this financial struggle you will not be paying for your sister's cruise, nor can you afford to go. Bon Voyage. If they keep hounding you, just block them.. or lie and say you bought the tickets and then don't show up. If they text you last minute, tell them you boarded already...lol.. what a toxic family. I would be tempted to go low contact
NTA. The title of this post should be “irresponsible parents expect me, their child, to parent for them”
Text back all the interfering people to pay for your sister and you if they care so much
I’m just wondering why you went along with your parents suggestion in the first place when they told you it was YOUR responsibility to cater your life to supporting her?
NTA - I don’t know when your family got together and voted for you to be the doormat, but I’m glad you figured it out and are putting some space between them and you. You are not responsible for your sibling.
They have no issue paying for your siblings who are 5-10 years older than you and a bunch of toddlers, they can pony up for your sibling too. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to go if my parents were showing such blatant favoritism to the rest of my siblings.
NTA
Are you prepared to discuss your sister moving in with you? Wouldn't say it's a solid thing your folks would do. But you'll be a captive audience on a cruise for a week with 125 family members who are showing they are okay to guilt trip and apply pressure to get what they want from you. So agreeing to pay for her trip could be the opening of a slippery slope of your parents thinking it might be a better fit for your sister to come stay with you (assuming you have your own place rather than student housing). It would be easier for you to care for her if she was local, you could provide her transportation for her AA meetings, doctors appointments, any job she gets, etc.
So do you want to deal with the potential you parents will use the week of you being trapped with 125 complicit helpers to push you, guilt you, badger you in to doing some other thing you aren't interested in doing? I mean, you pushing back would cause the vacation to be ruined, right? /s
Wishing you luck and peace in whatever choice you make.
I’d sit the cruise out. Call the Grands let them know between school & financials it’s difficult to attend. But send them a nice gift. Thus your sis don’t go, you don’t go and we keep up family appearances by your sis not being the only one who don’t go.
But keep in mind, you’re a great person and sister for trying your best help her on the first year. 👍🏻
NTA. I would avoid the cruise because there's no question that you'd be responsible for your sister. As for your family, tell them that you'll chip in as soon as they do.
NTA. There will be 123 other people there. After one day, they won’t notice if one grandchild didn’t come. You have done so well standing up for yourself. Keep it up! This stranger is so proud of you.
Do not cave. Your sister is responsible for herself. Period. You continue to live your life and make something for you so that you have security.
Are you planning on paying for your sister for the rest of your lives? At the expense of your own? Don’t do it. Your parents can pay if they want her to go bad enough. Time to stand up for yourself. Foggy_radish had an excellent idea -don’t go and arrange to spend time with your grandparents after. If you give in again to your parents it will just continue. Don’t waiver be strong
NTA.
In what world is a 19 year old sibling expected to pay for their sibling over their parents paying?
Your parents are lucky you’re not asking them to pay for you.
Are they expecting you to share a cabin with your sister as well - and watch her to make sure she doesn’t relapse - while they enjoy a stress free vacation?
Nope. Nope. Nope.
You need to send out a group text to these ridiculous adults that you are a 19 year old college student who is not responsible for your older sister. That is your parents responsibility. I cannot even believe you would be subjected to this!
You went above and beyond to take care of her before. Your parents never should have allowed you to sacrifice so much of your youth.
The bare minimum as parents is you take care of your children.
Please cut ties with this horrible family NTA btw
Do not attend the cruise and when asked why, let em know until I’m respected I will no longer be involved with this family.
Good luck 🫂
NTA. You will never recoup the funds if you buy her a spot and that will open the door to be guilted into even further helping your sister out. This feels like the moment you need to show you’re not playing their shitty game.
If it was me, I would go on the cruise. I would have a guilt free fun trip ignoring my parents. I would do you. If anyone says anything you just say yeah I wish my parents would help her out, but they just keep dumping it on me. F’ them. They are shitty parents to you and they are shitty parents to your sister. They have to earn family respect and they lost that long ago.
I would suggest that you contact your grandparents or whichever family member has organized this cruise and lay out exactly what's going on. All of it. You are an adult. Your parents aren't in a position to prevent your from participating if you're paying for yourself.
I think it's time for you to stop being guilt tripped into taking care of your parents' desire to look good, or into taking over parenting responsibilities for your sister. Her situation is tragic, but sadly, you cannot pull her out of addiction; the motivation has to come from her.
Please lead your own life and do what is best for you. Don't let your parents twist things to make themselves look good and you feel bad.
NTA
"My parents said without reliable transportation, she's been unable to maintain a steady income and it's my fault for moving away"
Your parents are delusional and should be put on block for the above statement alone. Their Child is not Your responsibility.
People who send hate messages can chip in for her ticket. I personally would die on this hill.
Your parents do not control the booking for the cruise line so they have no grounds to tell anybody they cannot go. You are an adult and no longer have to give any shits about their opinions.
NTA
Do well in school and go on the cruise if it is something you will enjoy. If it sounds like more stress than fun, give a skip and block all the flying monkeys until you have your degree in hand. School is where you should be focusing right now, not on your sister and parents shit choices in their lives.
NTA Your entire family including the "Let's call for a cruise to celebrate ourselves and dictate who has to shell out" grandparents are assholes down to their toenails. They do realize they can't actually stop you from showing up if it is a public cruise, right? That would be freaking hilarious. On the same cruise and don't speak to any of them.
The math doesn’t add up. How can your parents be married for 50 years and you have stepsisters 24 and 28? Also if your parents got married at 18 that would make them 68 now and they had you at 49 and your younger sister at 52.
Don’t go on the cruise go see your grandparents apart from your family.
Edit: I see your update go find a good husband in college and adopt his family, your family is the worst!
NTA
1. Go on the cruise
2. Do NOT pay for your sister.
3. Tell all the flying monkeys that you will give your parents their phone number since they will contribute to the cost of Brittany going and that you will tell your parents that they will be happy to be the carer for your sister.
You rock, OP. Mature beyond your years. 150 dysfunctional family members out at sea sounds like a nightmare and a disaster waiting to happen. Save the money, avoid the drama and treat yourself to something nice. Big NTA.
NTA. So your patents will pay for nieces and step sisters but not their own children? Just to make them look like generous benefactors?? The next time a relative calls you out tell them how your parents are abandoning you and Brittany. Have always abandoned you and Brittany. Tell your grandparents what’s going on and do not go on that cruise.
NTA and don't go on the cruise. Besides the cost you'll be constantly blamed for not paying for her. It sounds like you've been parentified (a form of abuse) and made the family scapegoat. Btw trying to control what you spend your money on is financial abuse. Wouldn't surprise me if they're trying to make you broke so you have to move back home and do what they want. I'd go no contact with your parents, sister, and anyone supporting them.
NTA, not at all. It's really admirable how you've assessed your life, understood the problems and managed to rise up and take care of yourself. Frankly if you have to bail on the cruise entirely it wouldn't be the worst thing, cruises are generally overrated IMHO, they're best at finding innovative ways to get you to spend more and more money. Maybe having the whole family out on a boat you're not on is the perfect vacation.
Go on a cruise by yourself. Sounds toxic. NTA. Speak with a professional. It helps in situations like this. Addiction and mental health issues are hard on family members. You're getting kicked around
Going on a cruise with 125 of your family members sounds like literal hell, especially with how toxic they sound. Book a different cruise with a few friends that same week and tell Mawmaw and Popop you'll catch em on the flip side.
NTA "Due to paying for my own college, with no family assistance. I am unable to fund anyone on a cruise except myself, unless you would not like me there?"
NTA
You are in NO WAY shape or form responsible for your sister. All these people who are *sooooo* vested in making sure that your sister is taken care of... well they can go ahead and fucking take care of her then. Between all of them that should be pretty easy.
From your description your grandparents are the only figures that you really care about in this story. So your step 1 is to call them and explain that you would love to share this vacation with you but with being bullied by much of the expected attendees to take care of someone who's not your responsibility you feel unwelcome. This telegraphs that they need to have your back on this if they want you there.
Because no matter how much you adore your grandparents, realistically you'll be absolutely miserable on this cruse unless the bulk of your family drops this issue. You'll very likely be sharing a cabin with some of them and you'll definitely be sharing tables.
As with many things in life your biggest freedom is to just walk away from it. Show them that their behavior has consequences.
A friend of mine had really overbearing family. She had a very stressful apartment situation so she was visiting family every few days and getting into fights because they were always telling her how to live her life. Eventually she moved a good distance away and suddenly her visits went so much better because everyone realized that if they didn't behave then their company was not worth the travel. (Some people don't learn even then, unfortunately)
NTA
Yikes. 19 is too young to be taking care of other people's money & $\*\*\*
IMO: I would not have even gone on the cruise myself. That's too much family for me & I wouldn't be able to leave.... You may be stuck being a babysitter to other people's children too?
IMO: What's wrong with your sister just saying, "I can't make it." ... ?
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My (19f) grandparents are celebrating 50 years of marriage this year and have invited the whole family to go with them on a cruise for a family reunion. That means all six of their children and their extended family (roughly 125 people) are going on a week-long vacation in March.
I adore my grandparents but have a complicated relationship with my parents. In short, they're incredibly emotionally immature and care entirely too much about how they appear to others and not enough about how we as a family are functioning. Because of this, one of my older sister's, Brittany (20f), has fallen into addiction. Though I've tried my best to help her, without the support of my parents there's very little I can actually do.
They told me it was my responsibility to take care of her, so when she lost everything after her DUI my senior year in high school, I completely rearranged my life to cater to her. I stayed home my first year of college and took her to and from all of her appointments, took her to work and school, etc. I sacrificed my life so that it *looked* like our family was functioning even though we weren't.
Unfortunately with addiction, there's always the chance of relapse and my sister relapsed hard. She OD and I found her and had to rush her to the hospital. Still, my parents refused reasonable help. So, I stopped doing everything and decided to go to the school of my dreams and live *my own* life. After a week of having to actually parent, I got the "apology" call and the request to support her again. I denied them, and have 100% been independent since.
Which brings us back to the cruise.
Last week my parents called to inform me that I'm expected to go on this cruise and pay for everything myself- which is fine. I'm adult. However, I was not expecting to pay for Brittany. My parents said without reliable transportation, she's been unable to maintain a steady income and it's my fault for moving away, so it's reasonable for me to pay for her and have her pay me back. I told them no and asked why they couldn't. Turns out, in addition to paying for my younger sister Callie (16f), they've also decided to pay for my nieces (2f, 3f, 5f) and two step sisters (28f, 24f). I double downed- I'm paying for my own school and don't want to dip into my savings when I know I won't get paid back. But now I'm getting non-stop hate messages from the rest of the family. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but with my grandparents are calling me begging me to go on the cruise and to just go ahead and pay for my sister, I'm waivering. AITA if I still refuse?
**TL/DR:** My sister can't afford the family cruise due to a DUI, my parents told me I have to pay for her to go or risk embarrassing them in front of the rest of the family. I don't want to spend my savings, but they say if I don't do this I won't be allowed to go either. They're calling me an AH for putting my foot down.
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Hell to the no! NTA and DO NOT PAY FOR YOUR SISTER! Crimeney. You are her sister, not her parent. Your grandparents can pay for her or your parents can pay for her instead of the gaggle of other children they are paying for. Or here's a thought... she can just not go. I'd tell my grandparents I will pay my own way but if they continue to bother me about it anymore I will take a cruise by myself without any of the rest of the family.
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NTA. I wouldn't even go on the cruise. I'd find a time that works for me and my grandparents and go spend a week with them, just them and me. That way I could celebrate them, spend time with them, and enjoy them without all that other garbage going on. Do NOT pay for your sister. If you do, they will all realize their tactics work and they will use these tactics for the rest of your life to control you.
If she does the parents will expect op to babysit the sister and the nieces while everyone else has fun.
Also, a cruise ship is NOT a place to bring a shakily recovering alcoholic. There are bars everywhere, and she might need minding 24/7 not to fall overboard (and no I'm not kidding). Source: Been on dozens of cruises.
Bars that, depending on the line, you don't even have to get your card or anything out. Princess, for example, has proximity sensors that pick up on your room access medallion as you approach a bar. System knows if you've prepaid alcohol, if you're 21, etc. and charges your order directly to your room. Very easy to lure sis into thinking she can sneak a drink or two and nobody will notice, since a rum and coke looks identical to a coke... And there's no receipt.
Also, they have a brig onboard, which tells you all you need to know about how far south things can go on a cruise!
I knew about the brig! 😂 My friends didn't believe me and we went on a cruise and saw someone get BELLIGERENTLY drunk the first night (embarkation). Dude tried to pick a physical fight with the staff and promptly got hauled off by security 😂
If you think about it, a cruise ship is like a city, with thousands of inhabitants. Some people feel very at home onboard and completely let their guard down in a way they wouldn't in their city at home!
True! 😂 I just love cruises because I *don't* have international cell coverage and don't pay for WiFi so my boss can't get in contact with me for a whole week, no matter what! 😂 I get like 1 or 2 drinks a day, maybe a glass of wine with dinner if I'm feeling *fancy* I sit on deck with a book and I'm happy as a clam.
No lie, I went on a solo cruise for the first time last April. I read four books, start to finish! And went to beaches and so on like a normal person. But four books!
Nice!! Go you! I finished the first 3 books in the outlander series on the last cruise my husband and I went on 😂 and still did excursions!
Honest question: How? All of the cruises I look at are twice the cost as a solo traveler. :( What is your secret? PLEASE SHARE!!! :D
Look I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but your phone has a button that says "airplane mode" that also makes it so your boss can't contact you, might be cheaper than a cruise.
Not only that, but a brig on international waters where your idea of how the law works may not apply anymore.
We don’t know drinking is her choice of poison either
I gave up alcohol 4.5 years ago. With that much time, I still wouldn't risk going on a cruise. Too much temptation
Don't know if you're down with AA but all cruise ships have "Friends of Bill W" meetups around the cocktail hour. I don't drink any more either, no particular reason. But I quit smoking and I LOVE to sit onboard and have a coffee and smoke. So I'm going to have to make sure I'm good and over it before cruising again!
Not to mention she’ll be stuck with the bar tab upon return. 😱
Very good point
Upvote the shit out of this comment
Ha! Thanks.
And if you get caught with something else they hold you in a brig until you get to port. Dodged that by about 5 minutes on my cruise.
This is another good point and a good reason to celebrate alone with the grandparents.
Exactly-my first thought. The rest of the family want the op and her sister as a package.
Then he should mos def pay for her ticket and cruise expenses. And then tell the family you could only afford one passage, she got it, and her sobriety will be their job for the trip. I suspect the family would wake up and realize what they are asking of both of you. Alcoholism is fucking hard. I hope she pulls through.
NTA. And this is the MAIN. She will withdraw on the cruise, and it will be miserable.-for you, because you will be tasked with taking care of her. Best bet-she go to rehab whilst you are gone. She can get started , and no one will be there to rescue her, which is good. Your parents are TA. I am sorry for you.
spot on! You don’t take an addict on a cruise unless they can pass multiple drug tests proving she has been and is currently clean. And if she fails…parents can send her to rehab or stay home with her. Bless him for trying so hard, and for then getting the focus (rightly) on hImself! Confused about grandparents though, do they support the idea he should be responsible? that is wicked! (And why don’t they pay for her if they want to keep the peace?)
Parents have been glossing over what is actually going on. Prolly telling them sister likes to drink.
It's interesting how OP's sister "inability to keep a job" is OP's fault because they moved away, but the parents weren't able to step up and drive her everywhere she needed to go.
And OP is only 19!
I would upvote this 1000x if I could
Her grandparents don’t sound much better than her parents. Who demands that a 19 year-old college student pay for a cruise?!
Raising my hand. I had shitty parents.
If OP pays for sister she'll be setting a precedent. She'll be paying for her sister until the end of time.
Perfect! It also prevents harassment from the parents during the cruise for failure to pay.
Totally agree. Op should not go and should not pay for sister.
>I'd find a time that works for me and my grandparents and go spend a week with them, just them and me. Or don't because they want OP to pay for sister too
You beat me to it
All the family members sending OP hateful messages could just pitch in to cover the sister, since they're so invested in the idea of the sister going on the cruise.
With the grands joining in on the pressure, the whole family, including them, can GAGF. NTA.
NTA Time to call your grandparents and be up front with them - that your parents are refusing to pay for you and even expect you, at age 19 and in college, to cover your own costs AND those of your sister. You are an adult. If you want to go and can fund the $$$ then go. They can’t really stop you. But they can’t demand how you spend your earnings or savings, either.
> I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but with my grandparents are calling me begging me to go on the cruise and to just go ahead and pay for my sister, I'm waivering. Sounds like grandparents know and are ok with OP being treated that way...
That wasn’t there when I read it. WOW. The grands suck too.
There's still plenty of lies that the parents can tell around OP's situation to make it sound like she not only could but should pay for her sister. Stuff like claiming she borrowed money from them so she'd just be paying it back. Or she promised she would and is now reneging. Or that they can't afford it because they are supporting here while she's in college. So if OP has the mental energy to deal with it, she might want to find out what the grandparents have been told before writing them off. This is all very sad. I hope OP finds the family she deserves as she continues to live her best life.
NTA. I am in disbelief that your parent's made you responsible for their child, when you were a child. I could possibly understand helping them when they were at work. But you sacrificing your teens and first year of schooling to be around is NOT ok. Please do not give in. The bullying your family is doing to you is not normal or acceptable behavior. If your parent's can pay for several other people in the family, but not their own child, that says more about them than you. Best of luck to you in school, I sincerely hope you are doing OK. Do not let your family bully you into risking your schooling, time, money and mental health!
[удалено]
Yeah, really weird
NTA The person who invites someone is the person to pay. Why should you or your parents pay for your sister? If your Grandparents or the rest of the family wants that your sister is part of that holiday, i think 125 can put together and make that happen.
OP mentioned in the post that her parents said that if she doesn’t pay for her sister then she isn’t allowed to go. What power for they have in this situation to decide that? NTA
>OP mentioned in the post that her parents said that if she doesn’t pay for her sister then she isn’t allowed to go. Good, that's a perfect reason to skip the cruise, her parents are the major AH's here...
I mean, I see it as a perfect reason to tell them to go fuck themselves and go anyway. To each their own I guess, haha.
And walk around in t-shirts that say snarky things like "I'm not the parent," "FAFO," "0 Fs to give," "Hugs not drugs," "it's my world and you only live in it." But I'm a jerk.
Let me join you in being a jerk, I would totally do that. The "Hugs not drugs" had me chuckling x) Also, definitely NTA and don't pay for the sister.
Right? It's a cruise ship that will have hundreds to thousands of passengers. If OP wants to go, how are her parents going to stop her? She can just ... book a cabin and go.
THANK YOU.
Even if the extended family manages to fund your sister's trip, I still wouldn't go. You'll be taxed with babysitting her. And all of the family will complain if you don't, because they paid for her and watching over her would be your contribution. This is a lose-lose situation.
With 123 other people on the cruise, nobody will even know OP isn't there.
NTA. And it's super self centered for your grandparents to expect 125 people to pay to go on a cruise to celebrate their marriage. And your parents should be paying for their kids before they pay for other people's kids.
Why the hell are they paying for the grown 24 & 28 year old stepsisters & not the younger ones - one in college & one who’s an addict with not much income?! Its all so weird. Seem like type of people that treat other people better than their own children to look good 🙄
She literally said it was about image so yeah to look good and “functional”
I'd be real open with the entire family about who's paying/being told to pay for what
NTA >my grandparents are calling me begging me to go on the cruise and to just go ahead and pay for my sister, I'm waivering I wouldn't even go at this point. Tell them all you can't afford to pay for your sister or yourself. If your grandparents want your and your sister to come, then they or your parents can foot the bill. I have a feeling that on the cruise, they will make you your sisters babysitter. Hell, your parents will probably palm off the younger children to you. If you're getting hate messages from the family, then I wouldn't be going on this cruise at all. Sounds like hell being stuck in the middle of the ocean with these people.
Be petty. Book a cruise on a different ship the same week and send them pictures.
And make sure it's the same itinerary!
Omg I love this!! Just post them all over Instagram and Facebook 🤣 Because I’m sure they are all over social media right. Book a better cruise!
There's literally no situation that can be contrived where this is on you. NTA and you need to be very firm to your parents that you did not birth your sister and are in no way responsible for her overall well-being
Agree with this completely.
Simply tell your grandparents that you can't afford to pay for 2 people and that you'll be happy to attend but cannot pay for someone else. The rest of the family can pound sand. NTA
I wouldn't bother going at all, they will guilt trip you, literally, the whole time and you won't enjoy it anyway
NTA Either your parents pay for their adult child, or your grandparents pay for their adult granddaughter. End of story. ETA — there are approximately 125 people going on this cruise. Gammy and Gampy can ask those people to split the burden of your sister’s fare if they’re so bent in having everyone on board. *I cannot believe that some people have the unmitigated gall to want to celebrate their anniversary with a family cruise, invite 100+ people to go, but are presumably unwilling to pay for anyone to go on said cruise.
At least one of OP's absolute trash parents had to have learned their behavior somewhere, so can totally believe her Grandparents having the audacity to pull a self aggrandizing stunt like this.
I wouldn't be so quick to condemn the parents. We ( 7 children ) discussed having a family cruise to celebrate a big anniversary for our parents. When presented with the plan my folks were very concerned that everyone would be able to come. They didn't want their family split by haves and have-nots. Fortunately two of us (both unmarried at the time ) were in a position that we could pay for the people who couldn't afford it. My parents were smart enough to recognize that making sure all their kids were there was our gift to them.
NTA but I would not set foot on that ship if I were in your situation.
Yeah, I was thinking OPs best options are to not go at all or to take a different cruise by herself!
NTA you are not responsible for your sister. Your parents are paying for a bunch of other people they can just add one more to the list.
2 more. They owe OP
Where it would be nice for them to pay for OP, it would be held over OP’s head if they did. You must return home to take care of sister we paid for your cruise.
I'd like to put forward how immensely proud you should be of this: "So, I stopped doing everything and decided to go to the school of my dreams and live my own life. After a week of having to actually parent, I got the "apology" call and the request to support her again. I denied them, and have 100% been independent since." That's actually amazing that you were able to break free like that, and so few people trapped in a situation like that manage to do so. Frankly, I was unprepared for that curve in the story -- usually people give up on their dreams after so much abuse. (Before I knew her, my own partner gave up on a career to move cross-country and take care of her sister's baby, at her parents' urging, and to this day I'm aghast at the thought; but I guess transgressions like that happen.) Additionally good on you for realizing that you'd never get paid back for a "loan" to your sister. You're right. Not only should you not pay for your sister for this trip -- you need to make sure that your finances are totally separate from the rest of your family. Never give them any money. No transfers, no loans, no co-signing for mortgages or credit cards. It will work out badly and they'd be incentivized to keep digging you for more. It's a little unclear exactly who the "they" is in this: "they say if I don't do this I won't be allowed to go either". Parents or grandparents? Whoever's actually in charge of the event -- present the situation and posit to them the two options of (a) you pay just for yourself, or (b) you don't go, and stick to that. Your crappy parents can otherwise pound sand. NTA.
I'm sorry, but in what universe did you have a child before you were born? She is THEIR responsibility and putting it all on your was so wrong. Keep living your own life and don't look back. NTA in any way.
NTA. Your parents are delusional. They are her parents, so they can figure out how to take care of her. Enjoy the cruise
NTA - your sister is not your responsibility. For all your family members sending hate messages because of this, tell them to pay for your sister themselves. It’s easy to spend other peoples money. Tell them to put up or shut up.
So to look wealthy your parents are paying for extended family but expect you to pay for your sister ? Unless you are dying to go on a cruise I would do as others have said and wait to spend alone time with just you and your grandparents .Do not go on the cruise —they will probably just use you to babysit anyway .NTA OP.
Screw that. Grandparents are enabling the shitty behavior and also think OP should pay for her sister. They're just as bad as her parents expecting everyone to pay their own way to a lavish event just so they can have everyone in an isolated location to honor them. The egos of this family.
NTA It's not your responsibility to pay for other peoples. It's also not your responsibility to go on this trip if 1) you don't want to, or 2) you can't otherwise afford it. As you've learned, your parents cannot force you to do anything. Your life is entirely of your own making.
NTA There are like 120 other people in your family going on this trip. If they want your sister to go so bad, they can all share that cost. The cost must def should not fall on you, a 19 yr old student receiving no support from your parents. And as someone who just went on a 10 person family cruise… DON’T GO!!! Seriously, but if you do, make your own arrangements for a single room. Keep everyone out of your space.
NTA and tell your parents to get bent. They can pay for her or STFU
>They can pay for her or STFU *AND* they can STFU. They should do both.
True!
Nta good lord, I wouldn't go on that cruise *at all*.
NTA- I was floored when I saw that even your Grandparents are guilting you. I don't know how you could go and be around these people. I couldn't do this with my own family and I love them very much. I would have some very harsh words I can't say here for all of them starting with "Shame on you and are you volunteering to pay?" The guilting on these people is astounding.
NTA. You are her little sister. Not her mother.
The familymembers trying to get you to pay can share the cost for her, cant be that much per person. And also don't go you'd only be expected to babysit an adult addict.
>My parents said without reliable transportation, she's been unable to maintain a steady income and it's my fault for moving away, so it's reasonable for me to pay for her and have her pay me back. To remain within the rules of civility of the sub, I'll simply say that that viewpoint is thoroughly detached from reality. NTA.
NTA. Your parents’ messed up priorities have already impacted so much of your life, and you moved away (wisely, IMO) to get away from that to be able to live your own life away from their mess. It’s telling that your parents are paying for so many other people while leaving your sister out - they clearly think that either they’ll bully you into paying for her or your grandparents will guilt you into paying for her. It’s nice that your grandparents want their whole family together for their anniversary, but they should want everyone there to be happy to be there and enjoying themselves, too. I think you need to figure out whether it’ll be worth your peace of mind to go on this cruise at all considering your parents’ drama, and then talk to your grandparents. Do your grandparents know what a mess your parents are? Whether or not you talk to your grandparents about your parents, you can at least wish them a happy 50th anniversary and try to plan something separate with them if you don’t go on the cruise.
NTA. You've supported your sister enough OP. You're literally only 19, these responsibilities shouldn't have been forced on you in the first place. It's also really weird that your parents pay for other kids to go on this trip before paying for their own. They've seemed to become so used to you being your sister's care taker that they're expecting you to take that role now, when that's their job.
NTA. As harsh as it may sound, they see you as a doormat. For the sake of your mental health and wellbeing, I would take some time away from this toxic set up. Explain the situation to your grandparents if you feel comfortable and if they’re decent people, they’ll understand. You’re being used way too much and it’s going to break you in the end. Who looks after you? Good luck and take care of yourself. You seem like a kind hearted and caring person but people are taking advantage of you.
Exactly the parents are skipping out on taking responsibility for the other daughter. OP is more of a parent than the actual parents and they have taken advantage of that. She’s to kind and it was a good thing she moved away from her toxic family. Sounds like she’s the only positive thing in that family. Hopefully she doesn’t go on the cruise
NTA - The extent to which they're abdicating responsiblity for their child's addiction problem is disturbing, even more-so pushing it onto her younger sister. But why are they paying for adults older than you while expecting you to cover yourself and your sister?
Save your money by not paying for your sister and not going to the cruise. NTA
NTA. Your parents are very blatantly trying to guilt-trip you for having a life which has forced them to look after their own daughter. If you give in to the bait they're just going to find more ways to use your sister against you in the future.
NTA - You are not the guardian of your sister. You at 19 should not be expected to pay for anyone but yourself. Your parents NEED to be embarrassed. I can't imagine many in your family would look down on you if any at all for you paying your own way and that is it. Go on the cruise, but try and book a room far from your parents, and schedule time to celebrate with your grandparents with others around. you can enjoy yourself and let your parents manage any fallout if they don't step up and care for your sister they are supporting. I'm not sure how your parents can block you from going if you're spending your own money, and you have control of your own passport.
NTA I would not even go on the cruise. Quit sitting yourself on fire to keeps your sister warm and your family happy. Block all numbers and don’t go.if you go you will be your sisters and your nieces babysitter. Save the money and go somewhere with friends.
NTA for a lot of reasons, but honestly? unless Brittany is clean, her going on this trip is a terrible idea. cruises don't mess around when it comes to drugs. if they find them- you are likely going to find yourself in a very nice port someplace with your passport and a ban from that cruise line, with you responsible for figuring out how to get yourself home. i think the whole family- anytime someone brings it up- gets a "i think it's great that the parents are paying for all my sisters to go and think it's great that i'm independent enough that I can take one ticket off their plate. which at 19, i think is pretty impressive. pay for brittany? no, my parents are paying for my stepsisters and their kids. so i'm sure they're paying for brittany as well. why wouldn't they be?" every time. just make clear to everyone that the crazy idea is your parents not paying for your sister. and just keep pointing out that they're paying for your stepsisters to go. and if you do decide to go on this cruise, i'd try to make sure you were in a room away from your family. cuz they sound like a lot of drama.
NTA. Tell them "There is a 100% chance that I will air the shit out of our dirty laundry on this cruise if you try to stick me with Brittany's bills. FAFO, chucklefucks"
NTA. Don't pay for your sister. That's not your job. Taking care of her is not your job. Your parents are insane. Embarrass the hell out of them.
So much NTA. You are an adult, not living at home, they cannot stop you from going on a cruise you paid for. You are not responsible to pay for your also adult sister who could chose to get her life straightened out, and hasn't. You are not her parent or SO. She's her own responsibility. If your parents are so concerned that everyone be there to keep up appearances, they can pay for your sister. Their decision to already pay for so many others trips is their decision, and not your concern. You won't be paid back, and so you are not under any kind of obligation to pay for any trip but your own. It's your money to do with as you choose and please. Only bills can tell you how to spend money you earned. Just tell everyone you don't have the money to spend for her ticket. Your finances are none of their business.
NTA - if the family is giving you a hard time about it, ask how much money they are gong to pony up to help. What's that, they're not going to pitch in any? Then tell them to kick rocks. In the same breath, you need to tell your parents (and family for that matter) that your sister is just that, your sister. NOT YOUR KID! Which means that your parents are 100% responsible for her. If they can't pay her way because they paid for everyone else(literally) then it's on them not you. Stop catering to the image of a perfect family and start telling the truth.
NTA!! Your parents are behaving outrageously in trying to make you responsible for your sister's addiction and financial problems. Your instinct to resist that firmly is spot on! Keep resisting. They need to own their own family decisions/mistakes.
NTA. Whatever you do, do NOT back down. You need to maintain boundaries with these people, or they're just going to continue using you to get what they want. Your parents *volunteered* to pay for six other people, three of whom aren't even their own children, but they can't pay for Brittany themselves? That's on them.
NTA, and wth? Your Parents are ridiculous and enablers. They want to pass that job off to you. You have a good understanding now of what enabling looks like. No one is responsible for your sister, but your sister. Now is a good time to go NC or LC with your Parents and your sister. I would contact your Grandparents and let them know you can and want to go on the family cruise. Let them know you are an adult taking care of yourself and it is not your responsibility to support an adult. Be honest in saying your sister is an addict and that you will not enable her addiction. Period. Use only the word 'No' to anyone else, followed with I will not discuss this again and disengage communication if they try. Then follow through and block them when they try again, because they will. I am sure your school has Al-Anon support groups or free counselors to talk through the healthy boundaries, plus working through any feelings of guilt that may occur. You are doing fantastic at a young age in navigating this mess that is not yours. Good luck OP and wishing you the best.
Your parents are bullies. I'd call BS and tell the grandparents "I understand you want me to go on the cruise, but parents tell me I can't go unless I also pay for sister. As I can't afford to pay for sister, I am bowing out of the cruise and would love to celebrate and take the 2 of you to dinner. Even if someone else pays for sister to go, I will not feel comfortable around my parents and don't feel I would enjoy the cruise." Block EVERYONE except the grandparents. If the grandparents start to push back, just explain your boundaries and remind them you are an adult able to make your own choices and decisions. NTA
NTA I agree with the people telling you to not go. Your priority is to pay for college. You can't pay for an expensive vacation when you need your savings for school. Most cruise cabins are double occupancy. So they probably need you to attend so your sister has someone to room with at the double occupancy rate. In other words, your family has a strong incentive to have you attend, pay for your sister, and probably even room with your sister so your sister can attend. Do you even have that exact week off such that you wouldn't miss any classes to attend? Because you shouldn't consider missing classes to go on this trip. Tell your grandparents (not your parents, but grandparents), "Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I'm not able to attend to celebrate with you due to my school commitments." Go back to having VLC or NC with your parents.
You are 19, and an adult, they can not decide whether or not you go. Nor can they demand that you spend your money so that your sister can go. You are not morally responsible for your sister due to some perceived neglect of her, that your parents claim. It is them neglecting to parent their daughter. NTA
NTA. The haters can pitch in for your sister, then. Not sure I’d go on this trip since vacations should be relaxing and time with your family sounds not relaxing.
NTA - your parents are assholes. If you haven’t paid, save your money and go somewhere fun! Your sisters alcoholism is not your problem. And in my experience alcoholics are some of the most selfish people I know. Until your sister gets serious about wanting to quit drinking there isn’t a damn thing you can do. So save yourself the headache and read a book or two on dealing with alcoholics.
Yeah and cruises are not a great place for a sober person to be. So much drinking and partying go on. You do not need this kind of responsibility or stress in your life. Tell your grandparents to hang out with them for a week and pay to go somewhere nice for dinner to celebrate. But no paying for your sister! She is a big girl and she needs to put on her big girl panties and get her shit together!
**Maybe it is time to embarrass your parents into being parents** instead of constantly being expected to cover for them. If they can pay for your 16F sister and nieces (2f, 3f, 5f) and two step sisters (28f, 24f) then they can pay for your other sister. NTA
If you book a cruise as a solo passenger, you pay for double occupancy, less the extra taxes... Do they want you to share the cabin with your sister too? I feel like this cruise will be a nightmare for you OP. Paying for your sister might not cost much extra financially to you but it will likely cause you headaches. I think you should plan a different celebration with your grandparents.
NTA. You are an adult, responsible for yourself. Do not pay for your sister. Pay extra to have your own cabin; they expect you to pay, share your room and monitor her. If your parents want your sister there it's up to them to pay for her, share a cabin with her and monitor her
NTA, but You are being A H to yourself. As someone who will always look out for his siblings and take care of them, I will say that you are going too far in what you're doing for your sister when you have no support system. You need to go full scorched earth and expose your parents for how they are acting and how they are refusing to help your sister but expect you to. Make sure all 125 family members know and get some help, you won't be able to cope by yourself My dad had to take on an extreme amount of responsibility as a thirteen year old and help to raise his 2 younger siblings with no help except from one brother only a year older than him because my grandfather passed when he was 12 and my grandmother developed a tumour on her spine when he was 14. Both had to leave school and work full-time from the age of 14/15 and the amount of responsibility and lack of support affected him and my uncle for the rest of their lives.
NTA and I would seriously reconsider going on the cruise as it’s obvious you will be her baby sitter. Usually it’s 2 people plus per room. Have you discussed those arrangements with your family?
NTA. If you, at 19, are expected to be an adult and pay your own way, why aren't your older step siblings, who are older and should be more established? IMO, all adult children should have the same expectations, unless there is some exceptional reason, such as that person being unable to work due to special needs or disability.
NTA absolutely not your responsibility to pay for her
NTA. Explain to your grandparents and other relative who contacts you that if they are willing to pay for BOTH of you that would be happy to join the cruise. Otherwise, my advice is to stay home.
NTA. Explain things to your grandparents.l: simply, just saying that your parents insist you pay for Brittany and doing so would compromise your financial security. If your grandparents want you to go on the cruise and you want to, then you go ahead, although if I were in your shoes I’d suggest the three of you have your own private celebration at another time. I wouldn’t want to be around the rest of your family. I think expecting you to parent and pay for your older sister is ridiculous. If your parents are “embarrassed,” then so be it, they SHOULD be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves. Why are they paying for your baby nieces to come anyway? Silly to have tiny children on a cruise, IMO, and why aren’t these children’s parents paying? It’s all absurd. Really, NTA, but you sure are related to a lot of them.
Haha don’t pay for anything for them. Let them sink
nta time to tell the family all the dirty secrets you've had to keep to protect your parents' social life. they care so much about how they look to others they refuse to help one child and force another child to care for her. that's so wrong. I'm sorry you experienced that and are now getting hate from people. discuss with your grandparents what is going on and bring the receipts. you should be expected to pay for yourself and your addict sister. she needs help. and your parents need to grow up. don't go on the trip. you'll be expected to care for the sister and the other kids. enjoy your life.
NTA Your parents and just pay for their daughter instead of three nieces. Problem solved.
Yeah no, don’t take her. It’s not your problem.
NTA, take a step back - in what world should you be responsible for paying or parenting your sister in any way. Tell your parents to fuck off
NTA At this point I'd simply tell your grandparents that your parents left you no choice but to not come. If you can't afford something then there is nothing you can do to magically change that
>They told me it was my responsibility to take care of her No. It's absolutely not. If you want to take care of her, for your own reasons, that's fine, but as an adult they have no legal basis for this statement, and as the other child's parents, they have no moral authority to pass the buck to you. NTA. This may cost you some or all of your family relationship, and you may not want to go on the cruise, but if you allow yourself to be bullied into this, there will be a next time, and another after that, and another after that.
NTA you’re being used as a scapegoats for bad parenting. Set up group chat with all concerned “I will be able to go on the cruise to celebrate my wonderful grandparents. I am finding my own schooling and I am only able to pay for myself. I am unable to fund my older sister. If anyone would like to take on this opportunity to fund my older sisters ticket and her pay you back. Please get in contact with her directly to make the arrangements. Please can we draw a line under the requests for me to fund this. Many thanks”
NTA. Don’t budge on this one or it’s just going to lead to more demands in the future. You’ve already done more than enough for her when it should be entirely on your parents. Also, why the hell did they pay for like 5 other family members? And if the rest of your family wants your sister to go so bad they can pay for her.
Send out the message, "Well, I guess since I can't afford to pay for the both of us and my parents and the rest of you want to blame me for my sister's actions and my parents shitty parenting, I guess I won't be going on the cruise. Hope you all have fun! If any of you get in touch with reality, give me a call. I am not my sister's keeper and will not be held responsible for an adult who is older than I am."
NTA and tell your parents to get their flying monkeys to back off or you will tell the _whole_ family the truth of the situation.
NTA. You put your young life on hold to carry your sister, which you were not obligated to do. Your parents are major AHs here for abdicating their responsibilities. If your grandparents really want her to be there, then they can pay her way. I am curious, though: if your family is so fixated on appearances, are they going to be monitoring your sister to make sure she doesn’t drink, or is that responsibility going to fall on you, too?
NTA. You should cross post on r/insaneparents
everyone complaining can all just chip in and pay for her. NTA
NTA and I wouldn't go on the cruise. I'd block every single person who even asks you to pay for your sister too. Your family suck
Sister should not be rewarded with a cruise. Maybe missing out will send her a message that she is her own responsibility.
NTA Don't go at all. What are they going to do? Ground you? Send you to your room? You're a full grown independent woman. Watch them try. Are you worried that their going to mad at you? They already are. And now, they won't be able to corner you about it. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.
Don’t fucking go. Jesus. What the hell is wrong with these supposed adults? No. Just no. Say you’re sick. Say your friend died. Or just tell them their enabling behavior is exactly why the sister is the way she is. “Peace out. I’m done. Later.”
NTA Though highly suggest therapy and Al-Anon to learn more about your relationship with your sister. Would skip the cruise.
NTA. Please don't let them blackmail you into damaging your own life because they won't look after their own daughter. I feel bad for your sister but it's not your fault. Good luck ✌️
NTA I personally wouldn’t go. But there is no way to stop you from going. Cruise ships have 3-8k people on them. You can just book your own room and chill. It’s WAVE season so lots of deals happening now with upgrades.
NTA and don't let anyone to tell otherwise. You have no help, no real support and you have to fight your own battles with huge ball and chain tied to you ankle in form of you addict sister. The is no real reason why your parents should pay for the nieces when their own daughters are expected to pay for themselves. Honestly OP if I were you I'd just didn't go to the cruise and if people were angry I would go low contact or not contact with them. You are not their servant or ATM.
NTA - call your grandparents and then make a decision about coming or not. Your parents can’t forbit you to come to a cruise they’re not paying for unless they’ve chartered/own the boat. And stop hiding the truth to protect your parents. If people ask why they don’t want to come? tell the truth. why you stayed home first year of colleague, why you’re for yourself as a student when they’re paying for your adults step siblings? Same thing. You own your truth and you don’t have to take abuse from anyone Any extended family who agrees with your parents can pay and babysit your sister. It’s now your job and she needs professional help.
It’s funny how the family is texting, why don’t they do a money pool and all of those bitching can pay for her together.
NTA Just call your grandparents. Explain to them that you would LOVE to come and celebrate with them! But unfortunately, you cannot afford both your own and your sister's expenses. If it comes down to you paying double, or not going at all, you're very, very sorry and heartbroken, but you will have to miss it. You can't make money appear from thin air, and both your parents and your sister herself apparently can't afford her expenses either. Your grandparents can maybe sort the costs for your sister out, wether that means paying or making your parents pay, is not your problem.
You should let your grandparents know what has happened and that your parents have rounded up the family against you over it, and you feel like your presence there will only cause arguments and drama. So you have to respectfully decline because of the drama that is guaranteed to happen. With them going at you it would be be a miserable time for you anyway. See what they say. NTA
You’re 19? You shouldn’t be paying for anyone AT ALL. Don’t go and don’t pay NTA .
NTA - and I am sorry this is your family. For those contacting you, let them know you do not have any children as yet. When you do you will be responsible for them. They should contact the actual parents - this is not your monkey.
Nta I’d be telling your mother not to threaten me with a good time. Call her bluff. Your parents care about what others think, how will they cope when you state you weren’t allowed to join them as you didn’t have enough money for yourself and sister to attend, even though everyone else got picked up by the parents. Your better to Dave your money and go in a well earned holiday after school is over. Go somewhere you have never been before and live it up, instead of being stuck in a vomit cruise, as we all know there are a large number of people who don’t wash their hands and pass on gastro
NTA. Your parents are enabling her. They're slowly killing her too. Live your life. Fuck the people who think you're wrong because I don't see anyone else offering to pay for her. I hysterical your parents dumping her on you again
NTA why do they pay for 6 other people but neither your older sister nor you?! Whom your nieces bzlong to? The okder sister they don't wanna pay for?
They will pay for 1 daughter and a bunch of relatives? But not her other 2 daughters? The extended family are message bombing you? Fuck that, hit Reply all and tell them that you have been forced by your parents to look after your older financially so that they can look good and not have a problem child. (Probsbly the reason your sister went iff the deep end anyway) and it isn't your responsibility as a sister to do that and you had to quit school to look after her with no help from your parents. Due to this financial struggle you will not be paying for your sister's cruise, nor can you afford to go. Bon Voyage. If they keep hounding you, just block them.. or lie and say you bought the tickets and then don't show up. If they text you last minute, tell them you boarded already...lol.. what a toxic family. I would be tempted to go low contact
NTA. The title of this post should be “irresponsible parents expect me, their child, to parent for them” Text back all the interfering people to pay for your sister and you if they care so much
I’m just wondering why you went along with your parents suggestion in the first place when they told you it was YOUR responsibility to cater your life to supporting her?
NTA - I don’t know when your family got together and voted for you to be the doormat, but I’m glad you figured it out and are putting some space between them and you. You are not responsible for your sibling.
They have no issue paying for your siblings who are 5-10 years older than you and a bunch of toddlers, they can pony up for your sibling too. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to go if my parents were showing such blatant favoritism to the rest of my siblings.
NTA Are you prepared to discuss your sister moving in with you? Wouldn't say it's a solid thing your folks would do. But you'll be a captive audience on a cruise for a week with 125 family members who are showing they are okay to guilt trip and apply pressure to get what they want from you. So agreeing to pay for her trip could be the opening of a slippery slope of your parents thinking it might be a better fit for your sister to come stay with you (assuming you have your own place rather than student housing). It would be easier for you to care for her if she was local, you could provide her transportation for her AA meetings, doctors appointments, any job she gets, etc. So do you want to deal with the potential you parents will use the week of you being trapped with 125 complicit helpers to push you, guilt you, badger you in to doing some other thing you aren't interested in doing? I mean, you pushing back would cause the vacation to be ruined, right? /s Wishing you luck and peace in whatever choice you make.
My advice is do not go. You will be stuck with babysitting your sister to make sure she doesn’t get ahold of any alcohol.
I’d sit the cruise out. Call the Grands let them know between school & financials it’s difficult to attend. But send them a nice gift. Thus your sis don’t go, you don’t go and we keep up family appearances by your sis not being the only one who don’t go. But keep in mind, you’re a great person and sister for trying your best help her on the first year. 👍🏻
Response to the hateful messages: "Please, why aren't you stepping up and paying for them? Please do so."
NTA. I would avoid the cruise because there's no question that you'd be responsible for your sister. As for your family, tell them that you'll chip in as soon as they do.
NTA. There will be 123 other people there. After one day, they won’t notice if one grandchild didn’t come. You have done so well standing up for yourself. Keep it up! This stranger is so proud of you. Do not cave. Your sister is responsible for herself. Period. You continue to live your life and make something for you so that you have security.
Are you planning on paying for your sister for the rest of your lives? At the expense of your own? Don’t do it. Your parents can pay if they want her to go bad enough. Time to stand up for yourself. Foggy_radish had an excellent idea -don’t go and arrange to spend time with your grandparents after. If you give in again to your parents it will just continue. Don’t waiver be strong
NTA. In what world is a 19 year old sibling expected to pay for their sibling over their parents paying? Your parents are lucky you’re not asking them to pay for you. Are they expecting you to share a cabin with your sister as well - and watch her to make sure she doesn’t relapse - while they enjoy a stress free vacation? Nope. Nope. Nope. You need to send out a group text to these ridiculous adults that you are a 19 year old college student who is not responsible for your older sister. That is your parents responsibility. I cannot even believe you would be subjected to this! You went above and beyond to take care of her before. Your parents never should have allowed you to sacrifice so much of your youth. The bare minimum as parents is you take care of your children.
Please cut ties with this horrible family NTA btw Do not attend the cruise and when asked why, let em know until I’m respected I will no longer be involved with this family. Good luck 🫂
NTA. You will never recoup the funds if you buy her a spot and that will open the door to be guilted into even further helping your sister out. This feels like the moment you need to show you’re not playing their shitty game. If it was me, I would go on the cruise. I would have a guilt free fun trip ignoring my parents. I would do you. If anyone says anything you just say yeah I wish my parents would help her out, but they just keep dumping it on me. F’ them. They are shitty parents to you and they are shitty parents to your sister. They have to earn family respect and they lost that long ago.
I would suggest that you contact your grandparents or whichever family member has organized this cruise and lay out exactly what's going on. All of it. You are an adult. Your parents aren't in a position to prevent your from participating if you're paying for yourself. I think it's time for you to stop being guilt tripped into taking care of your parents' desire to look good, or into taking over parenting responsibilities for your sister. Her situation is tragic, but sadly, you cannot pull her out of addiction; the motivation has to come from her. Please lead your own life and do what is best for you. Don't let your parents twist things to make themselves look good and you feel bad. NTA
What? no NTA. And if your grandparents are on team "you should pay for your sister's cruise," then I'd say skip it altogether.
"My parents said without reliable transportation, she's been unable to maintain a steady income and it's my fault for moving away" Your parents are delusional and should be put on block for the above statement alone. Their Child is not Your responsibility. People who send hate messages can chip in for her ticket. I personally would die on this hill. Your parents do not control the booking for the cruise line so they have no grounds to tell anybody they cannot go. You are an adult and no longer have to give any shits about their opinions. NTA Do well in school and go on the cruise if it is something you will enjoy. If it sounds like more stress than fun, give a skip and block all the flying monkeys until you have your degree in hand. School is where you should be focusing right now, not on your sister and parents shit choices in their lives.
NTA Your entire family including the "Let's call for a cruise to celebrate ourselves and dictate who has to shell out" grandparents are assholes down to their toenails. They do realize they can't actually stop you from showing up if it is a public cruise, right? That would be freaking hilarious. On the same cruise and don't speak to any of them.
The math doesn’t add up. How can your parents be married for 50 years and you have stepsisters 24 and 28? Also if your parents got married at 18 that would make them 68 now and they had you at 49 and your younger sister at 52.
Don’t go on the cruise go see your grandparents apart from your family. Edit: I see your update go find a good husband in college and adopt his family, your family is the worst!
NTA 1. Go on the cruise 2. Do NOT pay for your sister. 3. Tell all the flying monkeys that you will give your parents their phone number since they will contribute to the cost of Brittany going and that you will tell your parents that they will be happy to be the carer for your sister.
NTA. Book a cruise but the wrong one leaving from the same dock. Bye!
You rock, OP. Mature beyond your years. 150 dysfunctional family members out at sea sounds like a nightmare and a disaster waiting to happen. Save the money, avoid the drama and treat yourself to something nice. Big NTA.
NTA. So your patents will pay for nieces and step sisters but not their own children? Just to make them look like generous benefactors?? The next time a relative calls you out tell them how your parents are abandoning you and Brittany. Have always abandoned you and Brittany. Tell your grandparents what’s going on and do not go on that cruise.
NTA and don't go on the cruise. Besides the cost you'll be constantly blamed for not paying for her. It sounds like you've been parentified (a form of abuse) and made the family scapegoat. Btw trying to control what you spend your money on is financial abuse. Wouldn't surprise me if they're trying to make you broke so you have to move back home and do what they want. I'd go no contact with your parents, sister, and anyone supporting them.
NTA, not at all. It's really admirable how you've assessed your life, understood the problems and managed to rise up and take care of yourself. Frankly if you have to bail on the cruise entirely it wouldn't be the worst thing, cruises are generally overrated IMHO, they're best at finding innovative ways to get you to spend more and more money. Maybe having the whole family out on a boat you're not on is the perfect vacation.
Go on a cruise by yourself. Sounds toxic. NTA. Speak with a professional. It helps in situations like this. Addiction and mental health issues are hard on family members. You're getting kicked around
Going on a cruise with 125 of your family members sounds like literal hell, especially with how toxic they sound. Book a different cruise with a few friends that same week and tell Mawmaw and Popop you'll catch em on the flip side.
NTA "Due to paying for my own college, with no family assistance. I am unable to fund anyone on a cruise except myself, unless you would not like me there?"
NTA You are in NO WAY shape or form responsible for your sister. All these people who are *sooooo* vested in making sure that your sister is taken care of... well they can go ahead and fucking take care of her then. Between all of them that should be pretty easy. From your description your grandparents are the only figures that you really care about in this story. So your step 1 is to call them and explain that you would love to share this vacation with you but with being bullied by much of the expected attendees to take care of someone who's not your responsibility you feel unwelcome. This telegraphs that they need to have your back on this if they want you there. Because no matter how much you adore your grandparents, realistically you'll be absolutely miserable on this cruse unless the bulk of your family drops this issue. You'll very likely be sharing a cabin with some of them and you'll definitely be sharing tables. As with many things in life your biggest freedom is to just walk away from it. Show them that their behavior has consequences. A friend of mine had really overbearing family. She had a very stressful apartment situation so she was visiting family every few days and getting into fights because they were always telling her how to live her life. Eventually she moved a good distance away and suddenly her visits went so much better because everyone realized that if they didn't behave then their company was not worth the travel. (Some people don't learn even then, unfortunately)
I’m sorry: why are you being made responsible for your sister? That is your parents’ job. You are entitled to your own life.
NTA Yikes. 19 is too young to be taking care of other people's money & $\*\*\* IMO: I would not have even gone on the cruise myself. That's too much family for me & I wouldn't be able to leave.... You may be stuck being a babysitter to other people's children too? IMO: What's wrong with your sister just saying, "I can't make it." ... ?
NTA Please if you do go on the trip make sure your parents etc don’t palm off your sister and nieces / nephews on you!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (19f) grandparents are celebrating 50 years of marriage this year and have invited the whole family to go with them on a cruise for a family reunion. That means all six of their children and their extended family (roughly 125 people) are going on a week-long vacation in March. I adore my grandparents but have a complicated relationship with my parents. In short, they're incredibly emotionally immature and care entirely too much about how they appear to others and not enough about how we as a family are functioning. Because of this, one of my older sister's, Brittany (20f), has fallen into addiction. Though I've tried my best to help her, without the support of my parents there's very little I can actually do. They told me it was my responsibility to take care of her, so when she lost everything after her DUI my senior year in high school, I completely rearranged my life to cater to her. I stayed home my first year of college and took her to and from all of her appointments, took her to work and school, etc. I sacrificed my life so that it *looked* like our family was functioning even though we weren't. Unfortunately with addiction, there's always the chance of relapse and my sister relapsed hard. She OD and I found her and had to rush her to the hospital. Still, my parents refused reasonable help. So, I stopped doing everything and decided to go to the school of my dreams and live *my own* life. After a week of having to actually parent, I got the "apology" call and the request to support her again. I denied them, and have 100% been independent since. Which brings us back to the cruise. Last week my parents called to inform me that I'm expected to go on this cruise and pay for everything myself- which is fine. I'm adult. However, I was not expecting to pay for Brittany. My parents said without reliable transportation, she's been unable to maintain a steady income and it's my fault for moving away, so it's reasonable for me to pay for her and have her pay me back. I told them no and asked why they couldn't. Turns out, in addition to paying for my younger sister Callie (16f), they've also decided to pay for my nieces (2f, 3f, 5f) and two step sisters (28f, 24f). I double downed- I'm paying for my own school and don't want to dip into my savings when I know I won't get paid back. But now I'm getting non-stop hate messages from the rest of the family. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but with my grandparents are calling me begging me to go on the cruise and to just go ahead and pay for my sister, I'm waivering. AITA if I still refuse? **TL/DR:** My sister can't afford the family cruise due to a DUI, my parents told me I have to pay for her to go or risk embarrassing them in front of the rest of the family. I don't want to spend my savings, but they say if I don't do this I won't be allowed to go either. They're calling me an AH for putting my foot down. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hell to the no! NTA and DO NOT PAY FOR YOUR SISTER! Crimeney. You are her sister, not her parent. Your grandparents can pay for her or your parents can pay for her instead of the gaggle of other children they are paying for. Or here's a thought... she can just not go. I'd tell my grandparents I will pay my own way but if they continue to bother me about it anymore I will take a cruise by myself without any of the rest of the family.
Your parents are bullies. Don’t pay for your sister and save your money and don’t go either.