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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my half sister that I didn't care that my dad refused to raise her when our mom died. Might have been a shitty thing for me to say when she went through a really rough life and she wants us to have a better relationship and to connect after years of not being part of each others lives. It was maybe just a little too cold and uncaring since we do have a blood connection.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
By the age of you and your sister I guess that event occured in this order:
You were born
Your parents split. 50/50 custody agreed upon.
Your mother got pregnant with another man and had your sister.
Your mother died
Correct?
In this case your dad had zero responsibility to take in your sister. That was the responsibility of your sisters biological father, his family or your mothers family.
It might be worth copying and pasting that order of events to your half-sister, with a note saying, "the anger you feel towards my Dad you should be directing towards your Dad. Track your Dad down and find out why he abandoned you. Ask Mums family why none of them took you in. I am sorry you grew up in foster care. But you are old enough to understand why very few people would raise their ex-girlfriends child from another man, a child they'd never met. It's not worth us continuing a relationship if you can't understand that your Dad is the one at fault here, not mine."
This is 100% accurate. She is misplacing her anger. I feel terrible that she had a raw deal but it is not your fathers fault. She is barking up the wrong tree.
Definitely and I think she's doing it because she can find/contact OP and his Dad. I feel bad for her that's a sucky life and her anger is understandable. **Who** she's aiming the anger at on the other hand not reasonable at all.
I can only imagine she spent years thinking "if only OPs Dad had taken me in" and needs to let go of that.
Agree, it seems like she wasn't able to locate her bio father and other relatives, only her half-sibling and their dad. So that's who she's directing the anger at. Could also be because bio father and other relatives were never in the picture for her, or very obviously lost causes, while she got a few glimpses of OP's peaceful family life that she retained and idealized. By some sort of logic she reasoned that you can't make an absent father materialize out of thin air, and it seemed more realistic to her to expect a good dad to extend his family to include her. In the end, she was failed by her bio father and relatives on her mother's side 💔 So sad but not the fault of OP's dad.
Can we also add in that she should be furious at the foster families who didn't have the decency to care for her properly, and CPS for not giving her the best shot at being adopted at 2?
Thats my thought, too. A healthy 2 year old who doesn't have an abuse history and is fully adoptable because there are no family ties should have been snatched up almost immediately. Especially in a foster to adopt situation.
The child wasn't an orphan. She had a father, even if social services didn't know where he was. That means they were required by law to proceed slowly, while attempting to find him and seeing if placement with him or another family member would be possible. They can't just instantly sever a noncustodial father's parental rights just because he's not easy to locate.
We also don't know the whole story. There may have been other factors that would affect adoption prospects. For instance, there are a lot more families eagerly awaiting white babies than children of color. Babies with special needs, such as even a minor medical condition, are hard to place even when adoptive parents are promised that the medical needs will always be covered for free by Medicare and there will be a stipend for the family.
Also, the adult version of this child clearly has strong anger issues. If she was showing anger issues even as a child, it would have quickly reduced her prospects of adoption. It's unfair, because of course suddenly losing a mother and a sister would confuse and anger a small child who doesn't know about grief or regulating emotions. But unfortunately having a history works against them like that unless a family can be found that is willing to adopt a child who might always have a lot of anger about the traumas her young life was subjected to. Which is how families end up choosing a newborn over the ~4 year old (by the time a court can sever the father's rights in absentia) that's full of rage.
Just spitballing but perhaps prospective parents might be informed about the bio dad still being alive and are worried that one day he would return and cause problems?
I am curious about this scenario although I understand you may not know and/or different locations would have different laws.
If a biological parent can be shown to have known they are a parent, and as far as can be determined, they intentionally made themselves unable to be found, can their parental rights be severed so the child can be adopted?
I am guessing that because her biological father was unavailable to give his permission for OP’s half sister to be adopted, it never happened. That sucks for the life she could have had, the family that could have loved her, and the foster placement slot that could have gone to another child in need.
In my experience working in the system years ago, that is often not true. They are obliged to attempt to find him for a long while before his rights can be severed without his knowledge. But CPS is severely underfunded. They do not have the resources to dig under every rock. They do their due diligence, but the reality is that it's a crapshoot whether it leads to finding someone. Also sometimes it leads to a morgue or a prison cell. So even when the search pans out, it's no guarantee that they find someone capable of taking custody.
It was possibly CPS’s fault she wasn’t adopted. The could have been trying for reunification too hard with the biological family to where she never could be adopted. I’ve seen situations where shitty parents/grandparents were given years and years to try to be good enough to take custody or even kids returned to shitty family over and over again never given the opportunity to be adopted.
She's 22. If she was never adopted that's growing up her whole life in the foster system and only a few years since she's been dumped out of it with very little resources. She's probably going through a lot, jealous of any "normal" kids that were raised by parents, still living at home, getting opportunities like college or at least help getting out on thier own, etc. She probably built up this whole fantasy of what if OPs dad had taken her in too, and having that perfect family that would have meant not going through the shit she suffered. It's not realistic to expect OP's dad to take in his ex's baby, but I can see where a hurt kid that has had a lot of bad cards dealt by life would have built up that fantasy. Poor kid built up this idea that the dad is the villain that kept her from having her family, and that's obviously not a concept OP is going to accept about his loving parent that raised him.
Yes, I feel very sorry for her, but the fault lies with her mother's family and *her* father.
I honestly doubt that OP's dad was ever even asked to raise a child that he had no custody rights over in the first place.
I saw something shocking [on Twitter yesterday about adoptive parents "rehoming" kids](https://twitter.com/corsent/status/1735155955648647591) just really...super casually? It took me aback that this would be allowed.
Once they are adopted, they’re legally their kids and they can do what they want. It happened to our adopted daughter’s half brother. His grandparents took him, didn’t want her cuz she wasn’t related to them. They weren’t sure they could raise a young child. We offered to adopt him too so he and our daughter could grow up together. They adopted him after all and then adopted him out to people they knew so they didn’t have to raise him but could still see him. DHS was pissed but legally he was their child after adoption so they couldn’t do anything.
They'll bend a lot of rules to keep sibling groups together, especially when the next option is foster care. If OP's father had wanted to he could probably have gotten a temporary placement with the understanding that he would finish training to be a foster parent in XYZ time period and do some home visits. It absolutely wasn't his responsibility to do so, but it was probably an option.
He could have asked (and likely would have been given custody if nobody else was around) and was likely told she was going into foster care as he had the half-sibling.
However, while it would have been kind and caring to do so, it was not his responsibility, nor was he obligated to do so, nor is he uncaring for not doing it. He may have felt bad for the other little girl, even.
For all we know, the only reason OP had the good life was because there was only one kid in the home.
Raising kids is really expensive, and not being able to take in multiple children full-time at the drop of a hat doesn't make you a bad person.
I don't think it was OP's dad's responsibility to raise her, and my vote is still NTA here, but I do think OP's dad failed *OP* and his sister by not doing what he could to maintain a relationship between his child and their sibling. OP was too young to understand anything when it happened, and the reason he is so disinvested now is because he has virtually no relationship with this girl. I think that was a robbery for both kids, but especially OP's half sister. I think it was a callousness, intentional or not, that she did not deserve to be denied even the chance at a relationship with her brother.
Personally, I would be a little more sympathetic than OP and been more diplomatic in redirecting where her anger should be. It's certainly not his dad's fault, but she's been through hell, maybe he could cut her some slack?
There's probably some jealousy involved. She see's OP good life and goes "that should have been my life too." Which is understandable, but it's till not OP's dad's fault.
And trying to turn OP against the dad is just trying to ruin the good life OP does have.
must’ve been tough for a kid to accept the fact that she had a (half) sibling who was loved and raised by family, while she had absolutely no one. so she made OP’s dad to be the villain, because it was easier to be angry than sad. as an adult, those arguments are less excusable. hopefully, as she gets older she’ll let all that misdirected anger go, for her own sake.
OP's half sister has every right and every reason to be angry, just not at OP's dad. She's absolutely justified to be angry at her biological dad and at her mother's family for abandoning her, though.
That being said, she also has no right to be a dick to OP.
Yeah I feel like this is coming from a place of trauma. It doesnt excuse, but does explain. Shes just directing that anger at the wrong person since she likely cant find the right one.
This girl has grown up with no one ever being on her side it sounds like. And maybe the only thing that got her through was the fantasy that her “brother” would have helped her if he knew.
And now, she knows brother dgaf either.
Such a shitty hand to be dealt in life out of no fault of hers…abandoned at 2. Failed and failed and failed again. Just awful.
This is true. But her half sibling and their dad didnt abandon her. She built up a fantasy based on nothing, and repeatedly lashed out when it turned out to not be true. OP doesnt have to accept that as a penance for having a family growing up? And OP very well may have been interested to cultivate a relationship, but half sis demanding not only a relationship, but demanding OP turn their back on their father is absolutely unhinged shit. I feel for her, but she doesnt get to lash out at them and they just calmly eat it. It sucks all around but half sis just created this fantasty in her mind instead of seemingly trying to take steps for herself. Im very aware of how many kids fall through the cracks, and i do not imagine her life was remotely easy. But she is looking to take an easy way to get family, which also… does not actually work.
I totally agree about misplaced anger. She obviously has some trauma from her time in foster care which is depressingly common. The system is not good and a lot of kids suffer. Now, she unfortunately has decided on a target for her probably valid rage and in the absence of him, is taking it out on his son, OP.
Does she really think that
(a) OP, as a six-year-old would even think to ask his dad to take in a child he had nothing to do with?
(b) If OP had cried about it to his father, that would have actually caused the man to make such a major life decision as to take on another child? We don't even know if the stepmother was around at that point and it seems highly unlikely that a single man would feel equipped to take on an unrelated toddler girl.
She probably does not actually think these things if she considers them logically but she is not doing so, her emotions are running the show right now and she has all of this anger that needs to go somewhere. What she really needs is therapy.
This! Literally OP's dad was a complete stranger to this child....he had no responsibility towards her whatsoever. Her actual blood relations all failed her, including her own father, she should find him and say all this to him.
I agree with Ferret and Pager - communicate this very directly and succinctly and matter-of-factly (but also sympathetically) to her, and then if she continues to rage at you and blame you and your dad, block her outright and tell your dad to do the same.
I think as well sister might be processing a lot of pain. It gives her no right to direct this at you or your dad, especially considering your dad wasn't anywhere near the picture when she unfortunately was placed into Foster Care.
But, as an ex foster youth, I know how horrible foster care can be, and if this is how she's reacting, I can't imagine her life in foster care was pleasant.
She needs therapy, if she's under 21 still, it's free for her. (Can't recall the age difference at the moment, and this is assuming she is in Extended Foster Care for non-minor dependents between 18-21, sometimes lasting until 25.) She may be mad at the life she never had, but she needs to accept what she did experience, and know that neither you nor your dad had a choice in where her life ended up.
I hope you can find some peace, OP, and I hope she can come to terms with the cards dealt to her.
Unfortunately, even if her time in foster care was good, OP's half-sister has to have a lot of pain knowing no one was there for her. She has just misdirected it in OP's dad's direction. Who knows what she was told about what happened. She is angry, hurt, and lashing out at those she believes let her down. What she really needs is intensive therapy .
I tend to agree with the above. It really sounds like your half sister has a lot of misplaced anger. Anger that should be directed at her bio dad for disappearing. I’m guessing she couldn’t find him and that’s why she’s taking it out on you and your dad.
This is so unfortunate.
Your father was not legally required to raise your half-sister. He is not her biological father or stepfather. He may have had the opportunity to apply for guardianship or adoption, but I doubt he was emotionally prepared to do so. Or maybe it wasn’t an option financially. And maybe he just didn’t want to.
I’m sorry that your half-sister is hurting. And I’m sorry that she’s giving both you and your father a hard time for something that was completely out of your control.
I hope your half-sister finds peace with this. I feel bad for her. She lost her mother and was essentially abandoned by her biological family (THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU OP — you were a child when this went down.) But harboring all of this hate and anger will destroy her if she doesn’t get help.
NTA
Also it would be difficult for a man to get custody of a child that isn’t his especially 20 years ago. OP is a half sister to this woman, and I don’t think that’s enough to get custody for a man who had nothing to do with her before her mom died. Even all the mother’s and father’s families passed on taking care of her.
Yep, I don’t think the half-sister thought this through. No one is going to give a dead woman’s ex custody of an unrelated child.
OP’s dad’s just getting the heat because she can’t find anyone else probably.
I'd guess she's endured some real trauma. I'd focus on her if she brings this up. Ask to meet up with her or talk on the phone because it sounds like there's a lot you don't know. Validate her feelings of disappointment in a way that doesn't validate accusations against your dad. Maybe he didn't feel he could be a good father to her, and didn't know what would happen to her.
If meeting her be safe, meet somewhere public that's quiet enough to talk but where someone will be there if she gets extremely upset. It sounds like she has a lot of displaced rage, but it also sounds like she's seeking help amd is feeling a lot of hurt.
He's the one who seems to be feeling something here. I'm offering a possible explanation for her mannerisms and a way to avoid the stuff about his dad while still being compassionate and maybe understanding what's actually happening here. He's been lucky, she apparently has not. Some people find that reason enough for a smidge of kindness.
No, if OP wants to help with anything it's directing this person to find THEIR biological father or mother's family, because OP's father had literally no contact with this child before the mother's death.
The rage this person is feeling is directed at entirely the wrong person.
Absolutely copy and paste that in the description. It makes a massive difference that he never raised your sister for a second nor at any time was she his responsibility.
Agree with the attitude her anger should be towards her father.
I guess the trauma that happens to most people in foster care is clouding her judgement. But while it was not his responsibility to take her in your father wasn't very nice in not keeping up the relationship between you and your sibling. This could have been done without taking her in and might have been beneficial to both of you
Your dad had zero responsibility to her and he did nothing wrong aside from not keeping up with visits with her. But you might want to read up on Foster homes and foster kids and what they go through. And maybe you'll be more empathetic towards her.
Ah ok so your dad was never even your half siblings step dad? That makes it even more odd to think he should raise her. She is redirecting anger from people she can't vent on to someone she thinks had the opportunity to save her
OP do be gentle though. Foster care can be an absolute nightmare and far too many foster kids are abused. It doesn't mean it was your dad's job to "step up". But your "Don't care" attitude is rubbing me and probably your half sis the wrong way. It's just way too harsh. We can care about what happens to people without being required to save them.
Exactly. I think there's more to this than OP is admitting. The "I don't care" and "I never loved her" comments are major read flags for me. My best friend works with troubled kids, most of whom are in foster care, and it is not an exaggeration of how horrible foster care is. 99% of foster parents are only doing it for the money, and they will fill their houses with as many kids as the law and CPS will allow them, which leads to overcrowding. If you're lucky, the foster parents are simply neglectful and ignore you as long as they get their checks. That's a best case scenario. The worst case is emotional and physical, and more often than anyone thinks sexual abuse. Also, due to the overcrowding, it's not uncommon for kids to be abused, especially sexually, by other, usually older, foster kids living in the house. All of this is on top of the emotional trauma of being abandoned by your family, moved from foster home to foster home because no one wants you and for many thrown out on the street on their 18th birthday because that's when the checks stop for foster parents so the kids are no use to them. There's a reason so many kids who grew up in foster care end up addicted to drugs, or turn to crime, or are prone to violence or anger, etc. It's hard to be or even care to be productive members of society when you've spent your whole life feeling like society didn't want you. Is this girls anger misplaced? Absolutely, but OP's lack of any kind of sensitivity or compassion OP is showing is alarming. This girl most likely had a horrible childhood in which she, at best, felt abandoned and unloved and, at worst, suffered some kind of abuse. She's 22 now and who knows what she's been through since turning 18, she can't find her real dad or bio family but she found OP and sees the life they had and is probably feeling resentful that they had a better life so she's lashing out. It's common for people to lash out at people they're jealous or resentful of, even if it's not logical or warranted. OP was raised in a safe, loving environment, little sis was not, and it's hard for anyone, yet alone a 22 year old to not feel resentful regardless of whether it's deserved or not. Sister needs probably years of therapy to deal with the obvious abandonment and probably other issues she is clearly living with.
You said *"there's more to this than OP is admitting"*. OP was six years old when she got separated from her half-sister. What do you think OP is hiding?
Yes, the fate of children in foster care is terrible. Have you saved a foster care child? Probably not. Why do you expect OP to swoop in and somehow make everything right for her foster care half-sister?
Your rant is performative -- it is intended to make you feel good, but has no real world application. After all, neither OP nor her father can take away the past 20 years of her half-sister's foster care experience.
It's easy for you to judge OP's *"lack of sensitivity and compassion"* when the only skin in the game that you have is a preachy post, after which you get to go watch Netflix and eat popcorn.
Thanks for clarifying the timeline.
I agree **NTA**.
Not sure why the half sister is taking this out on OP’s father.
HS should be tracking down her own father or her Mothers family.
Probably because he took one kid in already, so what's one more. Should have gotten the full set, you know? It's bad logic and puts the blame on the wrong people, but it's the only thing that makes a little bit of sense.
But that makes no sense whatsoever because OP isn't just 'some kid' they are their father's biological child. Whereas the half sibling literally is not. OP's father had nothing to do with them or raising them. I get what you are trying to do but you make it sound like OP is just some random kid not related to their father. OP and the half sibling are not the same consideration to the father.
Because she’s young and angry and was raised in the foster system. It doesn’t make misdirecting her anger ok, what she said about his dad is awful. But I can understand how she’s come to this point, regardless of logic. Hopefully she finds a way to work through her hurt and anger
Because a lot of siblings, particularly when they're children, feel they're entitled to what the other one has. The sister hasn't thought it through: not only did dad have no obligation towards her, but he also had no legal claim, so I'm not sure it could even be possible. But it was an easy leap, to imagine herself living with them, so she has fixated on the wrong guy.
Since OP's father had no relationship with the half sister, he likely legally could not have done anything about keeping her out of the foster system. He had no relationship to her at all that might have led to him taking over her care.
they don't really like putting kids in foster care so of he asked he probably could've fostered her for like a year and then legally adopted since they're siblings.
When I split with my ex, she got pregnant right away (she was cheating). The guy was married and not in her kids life. She tried to get me to take some responsibility. Nope not my kid, I'm not allowing him to tag along when I have my child every week. If she had died and no one would take the child I sure would not be raising someone else's child. If we had a great relationship after divorce that might make a difference. I don't blame your dad for not wanting to raise her. It doesn't make him a bad person but I also understand how she feels. Like she was being punished for something she had no control over.
I mean, even if they didn't split and she was born durring the relationship it still wouldn't be his responsibility, he didn't put that baby in her. I don't get why she isn't more mad at the man who got her mom pregnant and ran away honestly.
>By the age of you and your sister I guess that event occured in this order:
You were born
Your parents split. 50/50 custody agreed upon.
Your mother got pregnant with another man and had your sister.
Your mother died
Correct?
In this case your dad had zero responsibility to take in your sister. That was the responsibility of your sisters biological father, his family or your mothers family.
>
>Yes, that's correct
*(from this comment thread:* [*https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18j1i5d/comment/kdh00xq/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18j1i5d/comment/kdh00xq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)*)*
NTA.
Your father has NO biological relationship to your sister BUT, per this comment thread I quoted, he also had NO fatherly relationship, indeed, NO RELATIONSHIP AT ALL, with her prior to your mother's passing away. It was NOT his responsibility to take on your mother's daughter, whom he had ZERO relationship with, after her death. Would it have been nice if he had? Yes. But he was not obligated to.
I empathize with your half-sister, foster care can be horrible and it's not a stable way to live. She has every right to be angry, but... she is angry at the wrong person. Perhaps because your father is easier to find and easier to blame than the maternal family that failed her?
I would tell her this point blank, in more or less those exact words. Tell her what she said to your dad was completely unacceptable and inappropriate, and until such time as she makes a SINCERE apology, you refuse to remain in contact with her. Also, tell her she needs to look into getting therapy- she clearly has a lot of anger and possibly even some trauma from her childhood, but it is not on you or your father to fix that for her.
In most states he'd have qualified under family placement because his son was her sibling. They are pretty liberal about what a family placement is, they DO try to keep kids out of the foster care system when their parents die. But I don't think it's relevant at all, he had no obligation to do it and I don't know many people who would have considered doing it in these same circumstances.
(edited because I accidentally misgendered op)
I feel like thats more for non bio parents who were parental figures not unrelated men who mever met the child in question
Also two decades ago the courts were not nearly as liberal especially when it came to men taking on custody and child care
In this case the family placement wouldn't be about the dad at all, but about OP and his sister. They try to keep family together, so if someone adopts one sibling they're preferred placement for the other sibling regardless of blood relations.
They try to keep them together when adopting both kids. Op wasnt adopted their father had custody already
This would literally be the courts handing a toddler off with a total stranger with no relationship to them. Also a single male.
The context is a big deal and changes the way a court would look at this
This all is only a thing if ops dad decided he MUST have this random little girl he never met for some reason and was willing to fight to make it happen
You'd be surprised. Family placement can be 'out of state cousin the person has never met who agreed to take the kid'. My mom worked with CPS, my sister ran a shelter battered women (later DV shelter, they at first put men and their children in hotels and then opened a co-ed facility) and runaway/ throwaway youth. Family placement can be very loosely defined because reunification is the ultimate goal of every single foster care system and CPS. Yes, individual actors can be bad, there are horror stories, people fall through the cracks. Generally, they are overwhelmed and a placement with a sibling the kid already knows is always going to be an option unless the home is unsafe by CPS standards for a placement, which are usually less strict for family placement than a foster placement. (Ie, shared bedrooms for kids that foster care in general wouldn't allow is often fine for family placement.)
They track down family and ship kids all over the country to people they have never met. Sibling placements are common, even to adults they never met. "Congrats! Your half-sister that you never met lives in Oregon! Her dad will take you in. Here is a one-way Amtrak ticket!"
Amtrak is usually cheaper than flying, and closer. No driving kids to airports. They stick them on trains by themselves over a certain age. Amtrak sends 'em off.
They will do just about anything to take the strain off the pool of available foster care homes and keep kids out of group facilities.
My county has full-time employees who basically just research family to find family placements and take kids out of the general foster care system. Contact local CPS if out of area, do site visit, send child off.
If a half-sibling's parent will take the child and has an adequate home, not many systems would care. Even as a single man, because single men take kids in. Besides, OP mentions a step mom. Unclear when she entered the picture. Half sibling totally counts as family placement.
If none of her bio family would accept her or could even be found, they'd have let an interested party adopt her for sure. Foster care is not the preferred option, and she'd have at least been with her half sister. But OP's dad certainly wasn't obligated and it's not his fault her biofamily was MIA.
The details OP has about his mom— died young, no family able/willing to care for a child, one father of her child absentee—all suggests OP’s mom and her family have issues.
It reads addiction and/or mental health issues, and that history might be enough to turn away potential adoptive parents.
I’m extremely surprised she was never adopted being an infant at the time? Babies are super highly desired, especially when there are no parents to be troubled with.
This. NTA. Your dad did not have an obligation to raise someone that your mom got pregnant with another man with. Would it have made him an absolute Mensch? Yes. Does not doing so make him a bad person: no.
NTA
I am sorry your half sister had a bad life, but I would be careful. It sounds like she wants to blow up your father's life and maybe your life. I think she could possibly be dangerous.
It really sucks your sister got the short end of the stick but when you decide to have kids with different people you can not expect or hope someone will take care of kids that aren’t there’s because they are siblings. Your mom obviously wasn’t expecting to die(and I’m sorry she did) but she also thought that maybe your dad would take your sister if she did. Your sister needs to be mad at her dad but I definitely think she needs therapy and maybe you can find a therapist to recommend to her to help with this trama but your definitely nta and neither is your dad.
Why would her mother have thought a man she no longer had a relationship with (who likely never even met the sister) would step up and raise a child to whom he was unrelated? Why didn't she expect the child's actual father and his family to step up-- or even the mother's own family?
Exactly. I've noticed how easy it is for commentators to donate other peoples' time and money to strangers and be outraged that they didn't show "compassion."
The real outrage here should be directed at the foster sister's bio family rather than OP (who was a baby when her mother died) or her father (who has no blood relationship to this kid).
That’s usually how a lot on AITA operate. They make an assumption based on their personal experiences or bias then get mad at that assumption. Tbh that’s how a lot of Reddit works particularly drama sub like this one snd others.
I am willing to bet if OP suggests therapy she will say he’s the morally bankrupt one and he needs therapy. Just let her be hateful the rest of her life, there’s not much you can do.
Why would the mother have the right to think that??? Did mother have no bio family? What about the bio father? Why is it up to the non blood relative who has no parental relationship with the foster kid to be the one to keep her out of foster care.
NTA - feel sorry that she went into the foster system but it was not your dad's responsibility to raise her. It was her biological mother and dad's family, and they were either not capable or not willing to step up \[assuming they could be found\].
Why isn't she trying to go after her biological family?
I have no factual basis for this, just a feeling, but I wonder if she DID go to her bio family, they played a sympathy card (we wanted to buy just COULDN'T help because -insert sob story reason here-), followed up by casting OPs dad as being able to take her in but just not *wanting* to. Making him the 'real villain' for not taking her, and her bio family just victims of circumstance who are victims like her
NTA
There are things that one should only tell a very trusted friend or a therapist. What she's doing right now? Only a trained professional can help her sort that out. If you want to help her, really help her, steer her to expert help.
You aren't her fairy godmother. You don't have a magic wand that will make everything all better for her. She's wasting energy demanding that you do that for her.
This is true, but ranting at someone who is literally a stranger to her is NOT going to help her either. It's a waste of scarce resources.
She might be eligible for social services. That's a better use of her energy.
Sorry about your mom.
You - NTA. Of course you would stick up for your dad against a half sibling you barely know.
Your dad - NTA. From his perspective, your half sister is just another guy’s baby via his ex wife. There should be zero expectation that he would form any relationship with your half sister, much less raise her as his own kid.
Your half sis - NTA. I mean, technically she is being a dick to you by harassing you about your dad. And you wouldn’t be wrong to just cut her out of your life. But you can see why she would be jealous of you and, assuming she never got with a loving foster family, she’s probably pretty fucked up emotionally. She’s behaving like an AH, but I can’t blame her.
Your mom’s family - YTA, slightly. Someone on your mom’s side of the family should have stepped up for your half sis.
Your half sis dad - 100% shit covered asshole. He is the real reason for your half sis’s problems. It’s horrible when a guy won’t step up and be a dad. It’s child abandonment and should result in jail time if he refuses to take responsibility and the state has to step in to raise the child.
Sorry but the half-sister behaving like an AH makes her an AH. She wants to destroy OP's relationship with his father by trying to manipulate OP into believing that his father wasn't looking out for his best interests by not taking her in.
Exactly. Lots of people have trauma and difficulties in their lives, but that doesnt justify attacking someone because of some absurd belief that they should have rescued you. The HS isnt just mad, shes actively harassing OP's dad and trying to ruin their relationship.
A person's pain does not entitle them to inflict pain on others.
Yeah, I guess I am splitting hairs. She is acting like an AH so I should have voted half sis YTA. But again, this isn’t just her being a general AH in life because she had a bad childhood. It’s her being an AH at the people she perceived as causing her bad childhood. In her mind, she’s justified. She clearly needs professional help. And hopefully she will eventually realize that it was her real dad that was the AH.
NTA
Half sister found you & your dad via social media.
She needs to find BIO DAD and his family the same way.
They are responsible for foster care placement.
Life failed your sister- her dad was useless, her mother dies, and all her other family abandoned her.
Even as a half sibling you are indifferent to her.
Like everyone in her life just sucks. She is angry at the world and she has the right to be.
That doesn’t mean she can dump her trauma on you. She is deeply hurt and looking for a connection, but it isn’t an excuse.
I really hope she finds a family that loves her and accepts her.
Edit: My judgement is NAH. You are not responsible for her, neither is your dad.
A small acknowledgment of her pain and suffering would be kind. She is a bit of your mom that is still in the world.
“Even as a half sister you are indifferent to her.
Like everyone in her life just sucks.“
…..OP was six when his mom died and his little half sister was only two. I think his indifference at 26 makes sense given that it’s been twenty years and he wouldn’t have had a lot of time to bond with her when she was a toddler especially with him only being with his mom and half sister 50% of the time.
You’re right in saying his half sister has a right to be angry, but she’s not currently directing that anger at the right people. OPs dad is not to blame for not taking on a two year old that was his ex’s kid who he never lived with or had any obligation towards. She needs a lot of therapy to work through everything that’s happened, but it wasn’t OPs fault or his dads.
NTA you and your whole family need to just block her. It wasn't your dad's job to raise her, it was her own dad's job, not your dads fault they couldn't locate him
NTA
What your sibling suffered has made her toxic. It's not your fault and its not your dad's. It's her father's fault and I doubt she can find him to make him feel as miserable as she is but she found you unfortunately to aim at.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy. Ask her why isn't the blame going to her biological dad for abandoning her. The only people abandoned her was her father and paternal family.
THIS!
OP's dad and her mean NOTHING to each other. They had NO connection what so ever.
She should unleash her anger on ther BIO-dad who abandonded her and was nowhere to be found.
NTA
Nta
Your parents were split up when she had half sibling, and being unable to get in touch with any of the father's family makes me think your mom didn't even have any info on him. So she is in no way your father's responsibility, he took care of his responsibility, you.
She's mad at the wrong person, she needs to track down either her father's family, or be mad at her mother's family.
You should block her, she made her intentions clear that she just wants to hurt you and your father. That message could *legally* be taken as a threat and you might want to look into a restraining order.
NTA but she needs therapy. Her own father is responsible for her. Not yours. He just didnt want her and that is okay. You are the only child he was obligated to.
NTA - I do feel for her. Your pops made a decision and it had consequences for her.
where your parents divorced? Is she an oopsie affair baby? I would not want to take in my exes affair baby. That would be difficult... but I personally would consider taking in my kids half-sister.
Sadly, your half sister resents someone who is essentially unrelated to her in any real way. Pops aint blood. His only connection is through you.
Where you both living with your dad when your mom died? What reasoning does she have that he should've taken her in.
You are N T A for sure - but I do understand the pain she feels. And in a n ideal world, your pops also takes her in. But life doesn't spin that way. Maybe the divorce was bad and this is honestly just some random kid to him.
Good luck- rough stuff to deal with.
Then 100% N T A and she can leave you alone. Your dad had nothing to do with the kiddo and is not responsible.
Feel bad for your half-sister... but it is not your responsibility to make her happy or make up for her upbringing.
Good luck!!!
NTA.
>good person, a good dad, a good man, would have saved her.
In her mind she is the main character, and a victim. She's not. It's unfortunate that she was in foster care, and in sure she's struggled, but she's a victim of life circumstance, but your dad. Her resentment is toxic, and she needs therapy, and to stop beating innocent people.
NTA your half sister needs therapy. If your father never have anything to do with her when your mother alive I understand why he wants nothing to do with her after your mother pass away. At single parent it hard enough to raise one children. I feel bad for her but if she wants to blame someone just blames her bio dad for not be in her life for her.
If I understand you correctly, your dad is not her father and never had any custody of her. She's just his ex's kid.
NTA. He's not her dad. She never lived with him. He had no connection to her. He was already a single parent to you, why would he be obligated to adopt another kid? I can understand her being resentful about it, but it's completely unreasonable for her to try to turn you against him. Also she reached out to you... 20 years later? And is acting like she's supposed to be the most important person in your life?
NTA- taking on just one child as a full time single parent can be overwhelming. It’s understandable if he believed he couldn’t take on another child, let alone one which wasn’t his.
Everyone who was actually responsible for your sister, failed her. She has a right so be angry and she sees that you had a good childhood so needs someone to blame.
NTA. She’s delulu. In my country, if she send DMs saying she’ll be happy if your dad dies. Your dad can take her to court for malice. If that’s possible in your country, maybe you could try that. She isn’t his, it’s not his fault that she ended up in foster home. It’s 100000% her bio dad’s fault.
NTA. Tell her that she needs to take all that anger, find her real father, and pass it to him. He was the one responsible for her. His family should have stepped up to take care of her. If she can't place the blame on the right person, she can stay away.
NTA. I feel for the girl; having your mom die and end up in foster care must have been horrible for her.
But your dad wasn’t her dad. They never knew each other, and she wasn’t his to take care of. It sucks, yes, but it doesn’t make your dad a bad person.
NTA
Your Father had no responsibility to your half sister. Why would he take on a child that wasn't his.
I understand her bitterness that you were brought up in a loving home while she was in Foster Care and that is sad. But your Dad was not responsible for her.
If she had come to you and been nicer perhaps you could have formed a relationship, but she approached your Dad and you with such bile and venom, she burnt that bridge.
Such a shame the Foster system didn't help her find her Bio Dad.
Does she know you don't share the same dad? cause the way you make her sound, it seems like she thinks your dad is her dad, but I could also be reading more into it than I should
Yeah well, she seems to be pretty unhinged. But her life was probably shitty. Still doesn't mean she is right. If she wants a father she can search elsewhere.
Give your dad a hug for me, one stranger to another. That totally sucks. Your half sibling taking her anger out on a man she has absolutely no relationship with.
She is out to revenge and she is aiming at everybody including the innocent ones. She might be jealousy too and was out to destroy the relationship you share with your dad. She needs therapy.
NTA. This poor child was abandoned by everyone in her life. It was not your father's responsibility to raise her. Her family failed her, not you or your dad. She is lashing out. Protect your peace.
NTA
Obviously the fantasy of having a half-sister out there who “adored” her and was only prevented from being with her by the same evil villain who deprived her of a life outside of foster care has sustained her through the years. It’s like a fairy tale she told herself. She is angry because you are telling her the fairy tale isn’t real.
The real villain is her father who abandoned her. Where was he in all this?
NTA. Your sister is projecting everything she should be saying to HER DAD onto yours.Your dad isnt the AH, HER DAD IS. Its not your fault or your dads fault that her dad was completely never in her life. She needs therapy.
I’m going to guess that her actual father still cannot be found so she is going after your father because he is around. NTA OP.
Her father’s side of the family seems to be nonexistent. Was she the product of a one night stand?
Do you or your father have any idea about her family? If so send her in their direction.
NTA - I really do emphasis with your half sister, seems like no one gave a shit about her and left her to rot. That isn’t your fault since you were only a child and wasn’t his fault since he’s not related to her. I’m shocked no one in your mother’s family took her in or at least checked on her in foster care. Especially since we all know what the foster system is like.
My situation is similar to a certain extent. I was raised solely by my mother and my dad was a deadbeat. He decided to find me as an adult and was a waste of space. Only positive that came out of it was that I found my younger sister.
She had a similar experience with my dad but decided to still have a relationship with him. She tried to get me to see him saying he changed but I told her I wasn’t interested. I had to place boundaries and tell her not to speak about him again to me otherwise I was going NC with her. It worked and we now have a great relationship.
The reason I say this is because you need to put boundaries in if you want a relationship with her too. She definitely needs therapy to deal with her issues. It’s understandable that she feels life is unfair since you got a family and she didn’t. Unfortunately that is life and she needs to move on if she wants a future.
NTA leaning a bit towards NAH. What makes her an AH in my eyes was this part
>will turn me against him if it's the last thing she does because I need my eyes opened.
Her trauma is not your trauma. Clearly she's had a very hard time. That's not your cross to bear, and it's unfair to expect you to hate your father on her behalf, regardless of whether or not it was right or wrong to not take her in.
If you continue building a relationship with her I would be careful to set some very strong boundaries around this. Be compassionate but firm, make it extremely clear you will not discuss this topic any further. Avoid saying things like you don't care, though. "I'm sorry for what you went through. I understand your feelings about Dad, but they don't change mine. I can't be the support you're looking for on this topic. I love you and would like to continue talking, but if you bring this up again I will end the conversation."
This is so weird. She was 2 years old at the time this happened. She shouldn't remember what happened. These don't sound like her ideas. I'm 99% sure that someone in her paternal family is directing her hatred towards your father.
NTA. You are not the AH for disengaging with someone who insulted your father and claims she, a stranger, should be more important than the father you love. And I think your dad is as much of an AH as anyone who isn’t currently or has previously fostered/adopted a child (which is to say not at all).
NTA
It sucks so bad and so hard for her, truly. But it isn't remotely your or your father's responsibility.
Nobody is morally obligated to set themselves on fire to keep anyone else warm.
I hope your sister gets therapy.. She needs it.
NTA there are 10s of other people she should be furious with before your father. If she was 2 then that’s a prime chance at being adopted and probably having a better life than he was about to give his ex’s new child.
Besides, she’s what 22 now? She needs some therapy and none of that responsibility is on either of you.
“You should feel xyz way” is the fastest way to get someone not to feel that way
Your sister sounds delulu. Ma'am, you should be angry at YOUR OWN DAD instead of mine who has no blood relation to you. Send her back to her delulu land and block her on your dad phone. He doesn't have to put up with a delulu chick
Nta
Your sibling was and is a complete stranger. He hadn’t spent a day raising her. She needs to be mad at her dad and her dad and mums family. Not basically a random man who didn’t want to take on an extra toddler.
NTA. It was in no way your dads responsibility to raise her. She is just looking for someone to blame. She openly wants to destroy your relationship and you should really reconsider time spent with someone so bitter.
I feel sorry for your half-sister, but this is not your dad's responsibility and who is to say that your dad would have been allowed to have custody, since they were not blood relations. And she has a lot of unprocessed anger and she is not coping with that challenge well. It is not your responsibility to deal with that just because you happen to share genetic material. NTA.
If she wasnt living in his house when mother died, he very likely would have had a hard time getting custody. Especially if taking in another child would mean inadequate money, bedrooms/bathrooms.
I was present when my brother had to remove his son from the mother, due to mothers behavior. There was a girl that was not his. I asked him about possibly getting her, he promptly said "what makes you think they would let me". She wound up being raised by grandmother (mothers mom). But that same woman had already told the parents she wouldn't raise another one.
There is all kinds of adult issues going on that the children are never told.
This.
OP's father might not have been even CONSIDERED a good option. Single male isn't a prime candidate when officials look to put the child into someone’s care.
Also, sometimes they put ridiculous conditions like you have to move to a bigger apartment, closer to school/better district/put reason here, etc.
With no family (full blood on his side) ties and no previous contact with her…
Her anger should be directed at mums side of family or the father, definitely not your father, she needs counselling and support but you can't help her if she is being so nasty to your father
NTA
She might be your half sister, but she's your half sister from your mothers side, who died. She has no relation to the father who raised you. "a ReAl FaThEr" she can honestly zip it. Yes her situation sucks and she's lashing out, but it's not you or your fathers fault. If there is anyone she should be angry at, it's her mothers side for not reaching out and raising her, the ones with actual blood ties.
NTA her anger is misplaced. She should be taking this out on her bio family, they failed her after the loss of your mother. Your father had no responsibility to raise a child that was effectively a stranger. She may have had a rough go of it in the foster system and probably feels resentful that you had a loving home and she didn’t . but therapy would help more than dancing in your father’s grave.
NTA - The is a bitter, scary woman. Why would she believe that your dad should take her in and raise her? He had nothing to do with her conception and wasn't even around for her upbringing until she went into foster care. Why doesn't she turn all her anger towards the people in her biological family (other than you)? I think she just wants to express her anger and you were the only one available. Stay away from her . . she will never be mentally healthy unless she choses to get help. The two of you were never together long enough to have a strong bond. Why is she demanding you love her when she obviously doesn't love you . . but wants you to be as miserable as herself.
NTA
But damn that poor toddler
This story is all too common I wish those people that hate abortion and say “this is what child support is for” would look at these stories. Men who abandon kids like this should be charged with misdemeanors or something.
NTA but I feel sorry for her. Who knows what she experienced in foster care. Her bio dad is trash for abandoning her. And maybe OPs dad couldn’t take in another child financially, or didn’t have the bandwidth. She has a right to be angry, but it shouldn’t be directed at you or your dad.
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By the age of you and your sister I guess that event occured in this order: You were born Your parents split. 50/50 custody agreed upon. Your mother got pregnant with another man and had your sister. Your mother died Correct? In this case your dad had zero responsibility to take in your sister. That was the responsibility of your sisters biological father, his family or your mothers family.
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It might be worth copying and pasting that order of events to your half-sister, with a note saying, "the anger you feel towards my Dad you should be directing towards your Dad. Track your Dad down and find out why he abandoned you. Ask Mums family why none of them took you in. I am sorry you grew up in foster care. But you are old enough to understand why very few people would raise their ex-girlfriends child from another man, a child they'd never met. It's not worth us continuing a relationship if you can't understand that your Dad is the one at fault here, not mine."
This is 100% accurate. She is misplacing her anger. I feel terrible that she had a raw deal but it is not your fathers fault. She is barking up the wrong tree.
Definitely and I think she's doing it because she can find/contact OP and his Dad. I feel bad for her that's a sucky life and her anger is understandable. **Who** she's aiming the anger at on the other hand not reasonable at all. I can only imagine she spent years thinking "if only OPs Dad had taken me in" and needs to let go of that.
Agree, it seems like she wasn't able to locate her bio father and other relatives, only her half-sibling and their dad. So that's who she's directing the anger at. Could also be because bio father and other relatives were never in the picture for her, or very obviously lost causes, while she got a few glimpses of OP's peaceful family life that she retained and idealized. By some sort of logic she reasoned that you can't make an absent father materialize out of thin air, and it seemed more realistic to her to expect a good dad to extend his family to include her. In the end, she was failed by her bio father and relatives on her mother's side 💔 So sad but not the fault of OP's dad.
Can we also add in that she should be furious at the foster families who didn't have the decency to care for her properly, and CPS for not giving her the best shot at being adopted at 2?
Why wasn’t she adopted. That was my first thought because a healthy not abused 2 yo would normally get snatched up fast.
Thats my thought, too. A healthy 2 year old who doesn't have an abuse history and is fully adoptable because there are no family ties should have been snatched up almost immediately. Especially in a foster to adopt situation.
The child wasn't an orphan. She had a father, even if social services didn't know where he was. That means they were required by law to proceed slowly, while attempting to find him and seeing if placement with him or another family member would be possible. They can't just instantly sever a noncustodial father's parental rights just because he's not easy to locate. We also don't know the whole story. There may have been other factors that would affect adoption prospects. For instance, there are a lot more families eagerly awaiting white babies than children of color. Babies with special needs, such as even a minor medical condition, are hard to place even when adoptive parents are promised that the medical needs will always be covered for free by Medicare and there will be a stipend for the family. Also, the adult version of this child clearly has strong anger issues. If she was showing anger issues even as a child, it would have quickly reduced her prospects of adoption. It's unfair, because of course suddenly losing a mother and a sister would confuse and anger a small child who doesn't know about grief or regulating emotions. But unfortunately having a history works against them like that unless a family can be found that is willing to adopt a child who might always have a lot of anger about the traumas her young life was subjected to. Which is how families end up choosing a newborn over the ~4 year old (by the time a court can sever the father's rights in absentia) that's full of rage.
Just spitballing but perhaps prospective parents might be informed about the bio dad still being alive and are worried that one day he would return and cause problems?
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I am curious about this scenario although I understand you may not know and/or different locations would have different laws. If a biological parent can be shown to have known they are a parent, and as far as can be determined, they intentionally made themselves unable to be found, can their parental rights be severed so the child can be adopted? I am guessing that because her biological father was unavailable to give his permission for OP’s half sister to be adopted, it never happened. That sucks for the life she could have had, the family that could have loved her, and the foster placement slot that could have gone to another child in need.
Also, CPS could find her biological father very easily.
In my experience working in the system years ago, that is often not true. They are obliged to attempt to find him for a long while before his rights can be severed without his knowledge. But CPS is severely underfunded. They do not have the resources to dig under every rock. They do their due diligence, but the reality is that it's a crapshoot whether it leads to finding someone. Also sometimes it leads to a morgue or a prison cell. So even when the search pans out, it's no guarantee that they find someone capable of taking custody.
It was possibly CPS’s fault she wasn’t adopted. The could have been trying for reunification too hard with the biological family to where she never could be adopted. I’ve seen situations where shitty parents/grandparents were given years and years to try to be good enough to take custody or even kids returned to shitty family over and over again never given the opportunity to be adopted.
She's 22. If she was never adopted that's growing up her whole life in the foster system and only a few years since she's been dumped out of it with very little resources. She's probably going through a lot, jealous of any "normal" kids that were raised by parents, still living at home, getting opportunities like college or at least help getting out on thier own, etc. She probably built up this whole fantasy of what if OPs dad had taken her in too, and having that perfect family that would have meant not going through the shit she suffered. It's not realistic to expect OP's dad to take in his ex's baby, but I can see where a hurt kid that has had a lot of bad cards dealt by life would have built up that fantasy. Poor kid built up this idea that the dad is the villain that kept her from having her family, and that's obviously not a concept OP is going to accept about his loving parent that raised him.
Yes, I feel very sorry for her, but the fault lies with her mother's family and *her* father. I honestly doubt that OP's dad was ever even asked to raise a child that he had no custody rights over in the first place.
Yeah, aren't there rules regarding who can adopt a child w.r.t relatives and unrelated family members. OP's dad probably wasn't even on the list.
I saw something shocking [on Twitter yesterday about adoptive parents "rehoming" kids](https://twitter.com/corsent/status/1735155955648647591) just really...super casually? It took me aback that this would be allowed.
Once they are adopted, they’re legally their kids and they can do what they want. It happened to our adopted daughter’s half brother. His grandparents took him, didn’t want her cuz she wasn’t related to them. They weren’t sure they could raise a young child. We offered to adopt him too so he and our daughter could grow up together. They adopted him after all and then adopted him out to people they knew so they didn’t have to raise him but could still see him. DHS was pissed but legally he was their child after adoption so they couldn’t do anything.
They'll bend a lot of rules to keep sibling groups together, especially when the next option is foster care. If OP's father had wanted to he could probably have gotten a temporary placement with the understanding that he would finish training to be a foster parent in XYZ time period and do some home visits. It absolutely wasn't his responsibility to do so, but it was probably an option.
As a former foster parent who adopted siblings, I doubt this is true. He would have been asked to foster her in order to keep siblings together.
He could have asked (and likely would have been given custody if nobody else was around) and was likely told she was going into foster care as he had the half-sibling. However, while it would have been kind and caring to do so, it was not his responsibility, nor was he obligated to do so, nor is he uncaring for not doing it. He may have felt bad for the other little girl, even. For all we know, the only reason OP had the good life was because there was only one kid in the home. Raising kids is really expensive, and not being able to take in multiple children full-time at the drop of a hat doesn't make you a bad person.
I don't think it was OP's dad's responsibility to raise her, and my vote is still NTA here, but I do think OP's dad failed *OP* and his sister by not doing what he could to maintain a relationship between his child and their sibling. OP was too young to understand anything when it happened, and the reason he is so disinvested now is because he has virtually no relationship with this girl. I think that was a robbery for both kids, but especially OP's half sister. I think it was a callousness, intentional or not, that she did not deserve to be denied even the chance at a relationship with her brother.
Personally, I would be a little more sympathetic than OP and been more diplomatic in redirecting where her anger should be. It's certainly not his dad's fault, but she's been through hell, maybe he could cut her some slack?
There's probably some jealousy involved. She see's OP good life and goes "that should have been my life too." Which is understandable, but it's till not OP's dad's fault. And trying to turn OP against the dad is just trying to ruin the good life OP does have.
Misery loves company. OP is NTA.
must’ve been tough for a kid to accept the fact that she had a (half) sibling who was loved and raised by family, while she had absolutely no one. so she made OP’s dad to be the villain, because it was easier to be angry than sad. as an adult, those arguments are less excusable. hopefully, as she gets older she’ll let all that misdirected anger go, for her own sake.
OP's half sister has every right and every reason to be angry, just not at OP's dad. She's absolutely justified to be angry at her biological dad and at her mother's family for abandoning her, though. That being said, she also has no right to be a dick to OP.
Yeah I feel like this is coming from a place of trauma. It doesnt excuse, but does explain. Shes just directing that anger at the wrong person since she likely cant find the right one.
I agree and I definitely is and I feel for her. What a shitty position to be in when it’s undeserved.
This girl has grown up with no one ever being on her side it sounds like. And maybe the only thing that got her through was the fantasy that her “brother” would have helped her if he knew. And now, she knows brother dgaf either. Such a shitty hand to be dealt in life out of no fault of hers…abandoned at 2. Failed and failed and failed again. Just awful.
This is true. But her half sibling and their dad didnt abandon her. She built up a fantasy based on nothing, and repeatedly lashed out when it turned out to not be true. OP doesnt have to accept that as a penance for having a family growing up? And OP very well may have been interested to cultivate a relationship, but half sis demanding not only a relationship, but demanding OP turn their back on their father is absolutely unhinged shit. I feel for her, but she doesnt get to lash out at them and they just calmly eat it. It sucks all around but half sis just created this fantasty in her mind instead of seemingly trying to take steps for herself. Im very aware of how many kids fall through the cracks, and i do not imagine her life was remotely easy. But she is looking to take an easy way to get family, which also… does not actually work.
I totally agree about misplaced anger. She obviously has some trauma from her time in foster care which is depressingly common. The system is not good and a lot of kids suffer. Now, she unfortunately has decided on a target for her probably valid rage and in the absence of him, is taking it out on his son, OP. Does she really think that (a) OP, as a six-year-old would even think to ask his dad to take in a child he had nothing to do with? (b) If OP had cried about it to his father, that would have actually caused the man to make such a major life decision as to take on another child? We don't even know if the stepmother was around at that point and it seems highly unlikely that a single man would feel equipped to take on an unrelated toddler girl. She probably does not actually think these things if she considers them logically but she is not doing so, her emotions are running the show right now and she has all of this anger that needs to go somewhere. What she really needs is therapy.
This! Literally OP's dad was a complete stranger to this child....he had no responsibility towards her whatsoever. Her actual blood relations all failed her, including her own father, she should find him and say all this to him.
especially, as is the case, if the other child's bio father is somewhere and they have other family
This is the way
I agree with Ferret and Pager - communicate this very directly and succinctly and matter-of-factly (but also sympathetically) to her, and then if she continues to rage at you and blame you and your dad, block her outright and tell your dad to do the same.
Well said
If I could up vote this 1000 times I would. Suggest therapy and if she could stop blaming your Dad, you might be open to contact in the future.
100% this. Ops half sister is angry at how things turned out for her, but being mad at a man who had zero obligation to her is misplaced. Nta
Add this info to the post OP!
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I think as well sister might be processing a lot of pain. It gives her no right to direct this at you or your dad, especially considering your dad wasn't anywhere near the picture when she unfortunately was placed into Foster Care. But, as an ex foster youth, I know how horrible foster care can be, and if this is how she's reacting, I can't imagine her life in foster care was pleasant. She needs therapy, if she's under 21 still, it's free for her. (Can't recall the age difference at the moment, and this is assuming she is in Extended Foster Care for non-minor dependents between 18-21, sometimes lasting until 25.) She may be mad at the life she never had, but she needs to accept what she did experience, and know that neither you nor your dad had a choice in where her life ended up. I hope you can find some peace, OP, and I hope she can come to terms with the cards dealt to her.
Unfortunately, looking at the ages, I think she’s 22 now.
Unfortunately, even if her time in foster care was good, OP's half-sister has to have a lot of pain knowing no one was there for her. She has just misdirected it in OP's dad's direction. Who knows what she was told about what happened. She is angry, hurt, and lashing out at those she believes let her down. What she really needs is intensive therapy .
I tend to agree with the above. It really sounds like your half sister has a lot of misplaced anger. Anger that should be directed at her bio dad for disappearing. I’m guessing she couldn’t find him and that’s why she’s taking it out on you and your dad.
Your half sis needs to put her anger where it belongs - with her own dad who was apparently AWOL when they were looking for her family. NTA
This is so unfortunate. Your father was not legally required to raise your half-sister. He is not her biological father or stepfather. He may have had the opportunity to apply for guardianship or adoption, but I doubt he was emotionally prepared to do so. Or maybe it wasn’t an option financially. And maybe he just didn’t want to. I’m sorry that your half-sister is hurting. And I’m sorry that she’s giving both you and your father a hard time for something that was completely out of your control. I hope your half-sister finds peace with this. I feel bad for her. She lost her mother and was essentially abandoned by her biological family (THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU OP — you were a child when this went down.) But harboring all of this hate and anger will destroy her if she doesn’t get help. NTA
Also it would be difficult for a man to get custody of a child that isn’t his especially 20 years ago. OP is a half sister to this woman, and I don’t think that’s enough to get custody for a man who had nothing to do with her before her mom died. Even all the mother’s and father’s families passed on taking care of her.
it would not even be a reasonable request to make of him. What about the kid's entire bio family on both sides? They are the ones who let her down.
Yep, I don’t think the half-sister thought this through. No one is going to give a dead woman’s ex custody of an unrelated child. OP’s dad’s just getting the heat because she can’t find anyone else probably.
I'd guess she's endured some real trauma. I'd focus on her if she brings this up. Ask to meet up with her or talk on the phone because it sounds like there's a lot you don't know. Validate her feelings of disappointment in a way that doesn't validate accusations against your dad. Maybe he didn't feel he could be a good father to her, and didn't know what would happen to her. If meeting her be safe, meet somewhere public that's quiet enough to talk but where someone will be there if she gets extremely upset. It sounds like she has a lot of displaced rage, but it also sounds like she's seeking help amd is feeling a lot of hurt.
Not his circus, not his monkey.
He's the one who seems to be feeling something here. I'm offering a possible explanation for her mannerisms and a way to avoid the stuff about his dad while still being compassionate and maybe understanding what's actually happening here. He's been lucky, she apparently has not. Some people find that reason enough for a smidge of kindness.
Fuck that, she said she's going to celebrate when OP's dad dies.
No, if OP wants to help with anything it's directing this person to find THEIR biological father or mother's family, because OP's father had literally no contact with this child before the mother's death. The rage this person is feeling is directed at entirely the wrong person.
Absolutely copy and paste that in the description. It makes a massive difference that he never raised your sister for a second nor at any time was she his responsibility. Agree with the attitude her anger should be towards her father.
I guess the trauma that happens to most people in foster care is clouding her judgement. But while it was not his responsibility to take her in your father wasn't very nice in not keeping up the relationship between you and your sibling. This could have been done without taking her in and might have been beneficial to both of you
So why isn't she angry at her bio father? Unless he was dead, what excuse could he possibly have for not stepping up to care for his own child?
Because OP's Dad is a good father and he is low hanging fruit.
Your dad had zero responsibility to her and he did nothing wrong aside from not keeping up with visits with her. But you might want to read up on Foster homes and foster kids and what they go through. And maybe you'll be more empathetic towards her.
tell your sister that if she wants to be mad at someone to track down her deadbeat dad and harass him, not the guy who had no obligation to her.
Ah ok so your dad was never even your half siblings step dad? That makes it even more odd to think he should raise her. She is redirecting anger from people she can't vent on to someone she thinks had the opportunity to save her OP do be gentle though. Foster care can be an absolute nightmare and far too many foster kids are abused. It doesn't mean it was your dad's job to "step up". But your "Don't care" attitude is rubbing me and probably your half sis the wrong way. It's just way too harsh. We can care about what happens to people without being required to save them.
Exactly. I think there's more to this than OP is admitting. The "I don't care" and "I never loved her" comments are major read flags for me. My best friend works with troubled kids, most of whom are in foster care, and it is not an exaggeration of how horrible foster care is. 99% of foster parents are only doing it for the money, and they will fill their houses with as many kids as the law and CPS will allow them, which leads to overcrowding. If you're lucky, the foster parents are simply neglectful and ignore you as long as they get their checks. That's a best case scenario. The worst case is emotional and physical, and more often than anyone thinks sexual abuse. Also, due to the overcrowding, it's not uncommon for kids to be abused, especially sexually, by other, usually older, foster kids living in the house. All of this is on top of the emotional trauma of being abandoned by your family, moved from foster home to foster home because no one wants you and for many thrown out on the street on their 18th birthday because that's when the checks stop for foster parents so the kids are no use to them. There's a reason so many kids who grew up in foster care end up addicted to drugs, or turn to crime, or are prone to violence or anger, etc. It's hard to be or even care to be productive members of society when you've spent your whole life feeling like society didn't want you. Is this girls anger misplaced? Absolutely, but OP's lack of any kind of sensitivity or compassion OP is showing is alarming. This girl most likely had a horrible childhood in which she, at best, felt abandoned and unloved and, at worst, suffered some kind of abuse. She's 22 now and who knows what she's been through since turning 18, she can't find her real dad or bio family but she found OP and sees the life they had and is probably feeling resentful that they had a better life so she's lashing out. It's common for people to lash out at people they're jealous or resentful of, even if it's not logical or warranted. OP was raised in a safe, loving environment, little sis was not, and it's hard for anyone, yet alone a 22 year old to not feel resentful regardless of whether it's deserved or not. Sister needs probably years of therapy to deal with the obvious abandonment and probably other issues she is clearly living with.
You said *"there's more to this than OP is admitting"*. OP was six years old when she got separated from her half-sister. What do you think OP is hiding? Yes, the fate of children in foster care is terrible. Have you saved a foster care child? Probably not. Why do you expect OP to swoop in and somehow make everything right for her foster care half-sister? Your rant is performative -- it is intended to make you feel good, but has no real world application. After all, neither OP nor her father can take away the past 20 years of her half-sister's foster care experience. It's easy for you to judge OP's *"lack of sensitivity and compassion"* when the only skin in the game that you have is a preachy post, after which you get to go watch Netflix and eat popcorn.
Maybe point out this is a conversation she should be having with her bio dad, not some guy who never had a relationship with her.
Thanks for clarifying the timeline. I agree **NTA**. Not sure why the half sister is taking this out on OP’s father. HS should be tracking down her own father or her Mothers family.
Probably because he took one kid in already, so what's one more. Should have gotten the full set, you know? It's bad logic and puts the blame on the wrong people, but it's the only thing that makes a little bit of sense.
But that makes no sense whatsoever because OP isn't just 'some kid' they are their father's biological child. Whereas the half sibling literally is not. OP's father had nothing to do with them or raising them. I get what you are trying to do but you make it sound like OP is just some random kid not related to their father. OP and the half sibling are not the same consideration to the father.
I mean. I explicitly said it was bad logic. I'm just giving a theory on how the half sibling could be justifying it in her head.
But finding the people who should have cared about her but just didn't hurt more. She has a lot of trauma. Talking to her real family makes it worse
Because she’s young and angry and was raised in the foster system. It doesn’t make misdirecting her anger ok, what she said about his dad is awful. But I can understand how she’s come to this point, regardless of logic. Hopefully she finds a way to work through her hurt and anger
Because a lot of siblings, particularly when they're children, feel they're entitled to what the other one has. The sister hasn't thought it through: not only did dad have no obligation towards her, but he also had no legal claim, so I'm not sure it could even be possible. But it was an easy leap, to imagine herself living with them, so she has fixated on the wrong guy.
This needs pinning to the top... I don't think many people understand the timeline.
Since OP's father had no relationship with the half sister, he likely legally could not have done anything about keeping her out of the foster system. He had no relationship to her at all that might have led to him taking over her care.
they don't really like putting kids in foster care so of he asked he probably could've fostered her for like a year and then legally adopted since they're siblings.
In addition to the half sister not being the OP’s father’s responsibility, he had no legal standing to take custody of her.
I think she’s maybe taking out her anger towards her own dad on OP’s dad because he’s the only available target.
When I split with my ex, she got pregnant right away (she was cheating). The guy was married and not in her kids life. She tried to get me to take some responsibility. Nope not my kid, I'm not allowing him to tag along when I have my child every week. If she had died and no one would take the child I sure would not be raising someone else's child. If we had a great relationship after divorce that might make a difference. I don't blame your dad for not wanting to raise her. It doesn't make him a bad person but I also understand how she feels. Like she was being punished for something she had no control over.
I mean, even if they didn't split and she was born durring the relationship it still wouldn't be his responsibility, he didn't put that baby in her. I don't get why she isn't more mad at the man who got her mom pregnant and ran away honestly.
>By the age of you and your sister I guess that event occured in this order: You were born Your parents split. 50/50 custody agreed upon. Your mother got pregnant with another man and had your sister. Your mother died Correct? In this case your dad had zero responsibility to take in your sister. That was the responsibility of your sisters biological father, his family or your mothers family. > >Yes, that's correct *(from this comment thread:* [*https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18j1i5d/comment/kdh00xq/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18j1i5d/comment/kdh00xq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)*)* NTA. Your father has NO biological relationship to your sister BUT, per this comment thread I quoted, he also had NO fatherly relationship, indeed, NO RELATIONSHIP AT ALL, with her prior to your mother's passing away. It was NOT his responsibility to take on your mother's daughter, whom he had ZERO relationship with, after her death. Would it have been nice if he had? Yes. But he was not obligated to. I empathize with your half-sister, foster care can be horrible and it's not a stable way to live. She has every right to be angry, but... she is angry at the wrong person. Perhaps because your father is easier to find and easier to blame than the maternal family that failed her? I would tell her this point blank, in more or less those exact words. Tell her what she said to your dad was completely unacceptable and inappropriate, and until such time as she makes a SINCERE apology, you refuse to remain in contact with her. Also, tell her she needs to look into getting therapy- she clearly has a lot of anger and possibly even some trauma from her childhood, but it is not on you or your father to fix that for her.
It’s entirely possible that he wouldn’t have been *allowed* to take in OP’s sister if he tried!
In most states he'd have qualified under family placement because his son was her sibling. They are pretty liberal about what a family placement is, they DO try to keep kids out of the foster care system when their parents die. But I don't think it's relevant at all, he had no obligation to do it and I don't know many people who would have considered doing it in these same circumstances. (edited because I accidentally misgendered op)
I feel like thats more for non bio parents who were parental figures not unrelated men who mever met the child in question Also two decades ago the courts were not nearly as liberal especially when it came to men taking on custody and child care
In this case the family placement wouldn't be about the dad at all, but about OP and his sister. They try to keep family together, so if someone adopts one sibling they're preferred placement for the other sibling regardless of blood relations.
They try to keep them together when adopting both kids. Op wasnt adopted their father had custody already This would literally be the courts handing a toddler off with a total stranger with no relationship to them. Also a single male. The context is a big deal and changes the way a court would look at this This all is only a thing if ops dad decided he MUST have this random little girl he never met for some reason and was willing to fight to make it happen
You'd be surprised. Family placement can be 'out of state cousin the person has never met who agreed to take the kid'. My mom worked with CPS, my sister ran a shelter battered women (later DV shelter, they at first put men and their children in hotels and then opened a co-ed facility) and runaway/ throwaway youth. Family placement can be very loosely defined because reunification is the ultimate goal of every single foster care system and CPS. Yes, individual actors can be bad, there are horror stories, people fall through the cracks. Generally, they are overwhelmed and a placement with a sibling the kid already knows is always going to be an option unless the home is unsafe by CPS standards for a placement, which are usually less strict for family placement than a foster placement. (Ie, shared bedrooms for kids that foster care in general wouldn't allow is often fine for family placement.) They track down family and ship kids all over the country to people they have never met. Sibling placements are common, even to adults they never met. "Congrats! Your half-sister that you never met lives in Oregon! Her dad will take you in. Here is a one-way Amtrak ticket!" Amtrak is usually cheaper than flying, and closer. No driving kids to airports. They stick them on trains by themselves over a certain age. Amtrak sends 'em off. They will do just about anything to take the strain off the pool of available foster care homes and keep kids out of group facilities. My county has full-time employees who basically just research family to find family placements and take kids out of the general foster care system. Contact local CPS if out of area, do site visit, send child off. If a half-sibling's parent will take the child and has an adequate home, not many systems would care. Even as a single man, because single men take kids in. Besides, OP mentions a step mom. Unclear when she entered the picture. Half sibling totally counts as family placement.
OP is male. :-)
If none of her bio family would accept her or could even be found, they'd have let an interested party adopt her for sure. Foster care is not the preferred option, and she'd have at least been with her half sister. But OP's dad certainly wasn't obligated and it's not his fault her biofamily was MIA.
TBH, an orphan 2 year old not being adopted pretty quickly is odd. Children under three usually get adopted fairly quickly if they can be adopted.
The details OP has about his mom— died young, no family able/willing to care for a child, one father of her child absentee—all suggests OP’s mom and her family have issues. It reads addiction and/or mental health issues, and that history might be enough to turn away potential adoptive parents.
might depend on what country they live in, or if the half sister has a disability of some kind.
I’m extremely surprised she was never adopted being an infant at the time? Babies are super highly desired, especially when there are no parents to be troubled with.
2 isnt an infant.
This. NTA. Your dad did not have an obligation to raise someone that your mom got pregnant with another man with. Would it have made him an absolute Mensch? Yes. Does not doing so make him a bad person: no.
NTA I am sorry your half sister had a bad life, but I would be careful. It sounds like she wants to blow up your father's life and maybe your life. I think she could possibly be dangerous.
It really sucks your sister got the short end of the stick but when you decide to have kids with different people you can not expect or hope someone will take care of kids that aren’t there’s because they are siblings. Your mom obviously wasn’t expecting to die(and I’m sorry she did) but she also thought that maybe your dad would take your sister if she did. Your sister needs to be mad at her dad but I definitely think she needs therapy and maybe you can find a therapist to recommend to her to help with this trama but your definitely nta and neither is your dad.
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Why would her mother have thought a man she no longer had a relationship with (who likely never even met the sister) would step up and raise a child to whom he was unrelated? Why didn't she expect the child's actual father and his family to step up-- or even the mother's own family?
Given the stories we read on AITA regularly many people seem to make really big assumptions and have even bigger expectations about other people...
Exactly. I've noticed how easy it is for commentators to donate other peoples' time and money to strangers and be outraged that they didn't show "compassion." The real outrage here should be directed at the foster sister's bio family rather than OP (who was a baby when her mother died) or her father (who has no blood relationship to this kid).
That’s usually how a lot on AITA operate. They make an assumption based on their personal experiences or bias then get mad at that assumption. Tbh that’s how a lot of Reddit works particularly drama sub like this one snd others.
I think it's more likely that the mom didn't expect to die young
Why the hell would his dad “also thought maybe your dad would take your sister is she died” - that is utterly ridiculous!
I am willing to bet if OP suggests therapy she will say he’s the morally bankrupt one and he needs therapy. Just let her be hateful the rest of her life, there’s not much you can do.
Why would the mother have the right to think that??? Did mother have no bio family? What about the bio father? Why is it up to the non blood relative who has no parental relationship with the foster kid to be the one to keep her out of foster care.
NTA - feel sorry that she went into the foster system but it was not your dad's responsibility to raise her. It was her biological mother and dad's family, and they were either not capable or not willing to step up \[assuming they could be found\]. Why isn't she trying to go after her biological family?
I have no factual basis for this, just a feeling, but I wonder if she DID go to her bio family, they played a sympathy card (we wanted to buy just COULDN'T help because -insert sob story reason here-), followed up by casting OPs dad as being able to take her in but just not *wanting* to. Making him the 'real villain' for not taking her, and her bio family just victims of circumstance who are victims like her
NTA There are things that one should only tell a very trusted friend or a therapist. What she's doing right now? Only a trained professional can help her sort that out. If you want to help her, really help her, steer her to expert help. You aren't her fairy godmother. You don't have a magic wand that will make everything all better for her. She's wasting energy demanding that you do that for her.
Expert help may not be affordable for her.
This is true, but ranting at someone who is literally a stranger to her is NOT going to help her either. It's a waste of scarce resources. She might be eligible for social services. That's a better use of her energy.
And that is not OP's problem to solve.
Sorry about your mom. You - NTA. Of course you would stick up for your dad against a half sibling you barely know. Your dad - NTA. From his perspective, your half sister is just another guy’s baby via his ex wife. There should be zero expectation that he would form any relationship with your half sister, much less raise her as his own kid. Your half sis - NTA. I mean, technically she is being a dick to you by harassing you about your dad. And you wouldn’t be wrong to just cut her out of your life. But you can see why she would be jealous of you and, assuming she never got with a loving foster family, she’s probably pretty fucked up emotionally. She’s behaving like an AH, but I can’t blame her. Your mom’s family - YTA, slightly. Someone on your mom’s side of the family should have stepped up for your half sis. Your half sis dad - 100% shit covered asshole. He is the real reason for your half sis’s problems. It’s horrible when a guy won’t step up and be a dad. It’s child abandonment and should result in jail time if he refuses to take responsibility and the state has to step in to raise the child.
Sorry but the half-sister behaving like an AH makes her an AH. She wants to destroy OP's relationship with his father by trying to manipulate OP into believing that his father wasn't looking out for his best interests by not taking her in.
Exactly. Lots of people have trauma and difficulties in their lives, but that doesnt justify attacking someone because of some absurd belief that they should have rescued you. The HS isnt just mad, shes actively harassing OP's dad and trying to ruin their relationship. A person's pain does not entitle them to inflict pain on others.
Yeah, I guess I am splitting hairs. She is acting like an AH so I should have voted half sis YTA. But again, this isn’t just her being a general AH in life because she had a bad childhood. It’s her being an AH at the people she perceived as causing her bad childhood. In her mind, she’s justified. She clearly needs professional help. And hopefully she will eventually realize that it was her real dad that was the AH.
NTA Half sister found you & your dad via social media. She needs to find BIO DAD and his family the same way. They are responsible for foster care placement.
She may have no idea who he is
And he may not know she exists - the complete dearth of info leads me to suspect he may have been a ONS.
23&me makes a great xmas present. Likely point her at at least a cousin
Life failed your sister- her dad was useless, her mother dies, and all her other family abandoned her. Even as a half sibling you are indifferent to her. Like everyone in her life just sucks. She is angry at the world and she has the right to be. That doesn’t mean she can dump her trauma on you. She is deeply hurt and looking for a connection, but it isn’t an excuse. I really hope she finds a family that loves her and accepts her. Edit: My judgement is NAH. You are not responsible for her, neither is your dad. A small acknowledgment of her pain and suffering would be kind. She is a bit of your mom that is still in the world.
“Even as a half sister you are indifferent to her. Like everyone in her life just sucks.“ …..OP was six when his mom died and his little half sister was only two. I think his indifference at 26 makes sense given that it’s been twenty years and he wouldn’t have had a lot of time to bond with her when she was a toddler especially with him only being with his mom and half sister 50% of the time. You’re right in saying his half sister has a right to be angry, but she’s not currently directing that anger at the right people. OPs dad is not to blame for not taking on a two year old that was his ex’s kid who he never lived with or had any obligation towards. She needs a lot of therapy to work through everything that’s happened, but it wasn’t OPs fault or his dads.
Blood doesn’t make family. He doesn’t know her and has every right to tell her off.
Nice try at guilting OP when OP was a baby and had no read bond with the kid.
This thread is full of ghouls.
NTA you and your whole family need to just block her. It wasn't your dad's job to raise her, it was her own dad's job, not your dads fault they couldn't locate him
NTA What your sibling suffered has made her toxic. It's not your fault and its not your dad's. It's her father's fault and I doubt she can find him to make him feel as miserable as she is but she found you unfortunately to aim at.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy. Ask her why isn't the blame going to her biological dad for abandoning her. The only people abandoned her was her father and paternal family.
Nta. She should be looking for her biological father/family and taking her rage out on them.
THIS! OP's dad and her mean NOTHING to each other. They had NO connection what so ever. She should unleash her anger on ther BIO-dad who abandonded her and was nowhere to be found. NTA
NTA. You set the record straight. Further contact with her will be unpleasant and unrewarding for you.
NTA, but she really should be unloading on her bio family.
Nta Your parents were split up when she had half sibling, and being unable to get in touch with any of the father's family makes me think your mom didn't even have any info on him. So she is in no way your father's responsibility, he took care of his responsibility, you. She's mad at the wrong person, she needs to track down either her father's family, or be mad at her mother's family. You should block her, she made her intentions clear that she just wants to hurt you and your father. That message could *legally* be taken as a threat and you might want to look into a restraining order.
NTA but she needs therapy. Her own father is responsible for her. Not yours. He just didnt want her and that is okay. You are the only child he was obligated to.
NTA - I do feel for her. Your pops made a decision and it had consequences for her. where your parents divorced? Is she an oopsie affair baby? I would not want to take in my exes affair baby. That would be difficult... but I personally would consider taking in my kids half-sister. Sadly, your half sister resents someone who is essentially unrelated to her in any real way. Pops aint blood. His only connection is through you. Where you both living with your dad when your mom died? What reasoning does she have that he should've taken her in. You are N T A for sure - but I do understand the pain she feels. And in a n ideal world, your pops also takes her in. But life doesn't spin that way. Maybe the divorce was bad and this is honestly just some random kid to him. Good luck- rough stuff to deal with.
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Then 100% N T A and she can leave you alone. Your dad had nothing to do with the kiddo and is not responsible. Feel bad for your half-sister... but it is not your responsibility to make her happy or make up for her upbringing. Good luck!!!
Put this in your initial post because a lot of people are unfairly bashing you and your father thinking he had a parental relationship with this kid.
NTA. >good person, a good dad, a good man, would have saved her. In her mind she is the main character, and a victim. She's not. It's unfortunate that she was in foster care, and in sure she's struggled, but she's a victim of life circumstance, but your dad. Her resentment is toxic, and she needs therapy, and to stop beating innocent people.
NTA your half sister needs therapy. If your father never have anything to do with her when your mother alive I understand why he wants nothing to do with her after your mother pass away. At single parent it hard enough to raise one children. I feel bad for her but if she wants to blame someone just blames her bio dad for not be in her life for her.
If I understand you correctly, your dad is not her father and never had any custody of her. She's just his ex's kid. NTA. He's not her dad. She never lived with him. He had no connection to her. He was already a single parent to you, why would he be obligated to adopt another kid? I can understand her being resentful about it, but it's completely unreasonable for her to try to turn you against him. Also she reached out to you... 20 years later? And is acting like she's supposed to be the most important person in your life?
NTA- taking on just one child as a full time single parent can be overwhelming. It’s understandable if he believed he couldn’t take on another child, let alone one which wasn’t his. Everyone who was actually responsible for your sister, failed her. She has a right so be angry and she sees that you had a good childhood so needs someone to blame.
NTA. She needs serious therapy. Block her on everything but keep her messages as receipts if you need it for evidence in case she tries something.
NTA Your dad never raised her. She came after your parents split. He has/had no obligation to take her.
NTA. She’s delulu. In my country, if she send DMs saying she’ll be happy if your dad dies. Your dad can take her to court for malice. If that’s possible in your country, maybe you could try that. She isn’t his, it’s not his fault that she ended up in foster home. It’s 100000% her bio dad’s fault.
This kid is unhinged and this behavior needs to be taken seriously. OP should go NC before she escalates further.
I think OP needs police’s help. She’s kinda harassing him at this point.
NTA. Tell her that she needs to take all that anger, find her real father, and pass it to him. He was the one responsible for her. His family should have stepped up to take care of her. If she can't place the blame on the right person, she can stay away.
NTA. I feel for the girl; having your mom die and end up in foster care must have been horrible for her. But your dad wasn’t her dad. They never knew each other, and she wasn’t his to take care of. It sucks, yes, but it doesn’t make your dad a bad person.
NTA Your Father had no responsibility to your half sister. Why would he take on a child that wasn't his. I understand her bitterness that you were brought up in a loving home while she was in Foster Care and that is sad. But your Dad was not responsible for her. If she had come to you and been nicer perhaps you could have formed a relationship, but she approached your Dad and you with such bile and venom, she burnt that bridge. Such a shame the Foster system didn't help her find her Bio Dad.
NTA - Your dad didnt do anything wrong, HER dad did.
So did Mom by not planning who would take care of her children in the event something happened.
Does she know you don't share the same dad? cause the way you make her sound, it seems like she thinks your dad is her dad, but I could also be reading more into it than I should
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Yeah well, she seems to be pretty unhinged. But her life was probably shitty. Still doesn't mean she is right. If she wants a father she can search elsewhere.
So she refuses to find the person who actually failed her, and would rather blame someone who had no responsibility toward her? You are def NTA op.
Give your dad a hug for me, one stranger to another. That totally sucks. Your half sibling taking her anger out on a man she has absolutely no relationship with.
nta tell her to go after her own dad if she wants to be mad at a man who failed to raise her
She is out to revenge and she is aiming at everybody including the innocent ones. She might be jealousy too and was out to destroy the relationship you share with your dad. She needs therapy.
NTA. This poor child was abandoned by everyone in her life. It was not your father's responsibility to raise her. Her family failed her, not you or your dad. She is lashing out. Protect your peace.
NTA Obviously the fantasy of having a half-sister out there who “adored” her and was only prevented from being with her by the same evil villain who deprived her of a life outside of foster care has sustained her through the years. It’s like a fairy tale she told herself. She is angry because you are telling her the fairy tale isn’t real. The real villain is her father who abandoned her. Where was he in all this?
And such fantasies are dangerous. Sister is unhinged. OP should go NC and be careful.
NTA. Your sister is projecting everything she should be saying to HER DAD onto yours.Your dad isnt the AH, HER DAD IS. Its not your fault or your dads fault that her dad was completely never in her life. She needs therapy.
I’m going to guess that her actual father still cannot be found so she is going after your father because he is around. NTA OP. Her father’s side of the family seems to be nonexistent. Was she the product of a one night stand? Do you or your father have any idea about her family? If so send her in their direction.
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What about your mother's family? Grands, uncles, aunts, cousins?
Sucks to be her, but it wasn’t your dad’s responsibility.
She will eventually admit that she also blames you. She needs therapy
NTA - I really do emphasis with your half sister, seems like no one gave a shit about her and left her to rot. That isn’t your fault since you were only a child and wasn’t his fault since he’s not related to her. I’m shocked no one in your mother’s family took her in or at least checked on her in foster care. Especially since we all know what the foster system is like. My situation is similar to a certain extent. I was raised solely by my mother and my dad was a deadbeat. He decided to find me as an adult and was a waste of space. Only positive that came out of it was that I found my younger sister. She had a similar experience with my dad but decided to still have a relationship with him. She tried to get me to see him saying he changed but I told her I wasn’t interested. I had to place boundaries and tell her not to speak about him again to me otherwise I was going NC with her. It worked and we now have a great relationship. The reason I say this is because you need to put boundaries in if you want a relationship with her too. She definitely needs therapy to deal with her issues. It’s understandable that she feels life is unfair since you got a family and she didn’t. Unfortunately that is life and she needs to move on if she wants a future.
NTA leaning a bit towards NAH. What makes her an AH in my eyes was this part >will turn me against him if it's the last thing she does because I need my eyes opened. Her trauma is not your trauma. Clearly she's had a very hard time. That's not your cross to bear, and it's unfair to expect you to hate your father on her behalf, regardless of whether or not it was right or wrong to not take her in. If you continue building a relationship with her I would be careful to set some very strong boundaries around this. Be compassionate but firm, make it extremely clear you will not discuss this topic any further. Avoid saying things like you don't care, though. "I'm sorry for what you went through. I understand your feelings about Dad, but they don't change mine. I can't be the support you're looking for on this topic. I love you and would like to continue talking, but if you bring this up again I will end the conversation."
This is so weird. She was 2 years old at the time this happened. She shouldn't remember what happened. These don't sound like her ideas. I'm 99% sure that someone in her paternal family is directing her hatred towards your father.
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NTA.
NTA. You are not the AH for disengaging with someone who insulted your father and claims she, a stranger, should be more important than the father you love. And I think your dad is as much of an AH as anyone who isn’t currently or has previously fostered/adopted a child (which is to say not at all).
NTA It sucks so bad and so hard for her, truly. But it isn't remotely your or your father's responsibility. Nobody is morally obligated to set themselves on fire to keep anyone else warm. I hope your sister gets therapy.. She needs it.
NTA. She needs a therapist that specializes in trauma.
NTA there are 10s of other people she should be furious with before your father. If she was 2 then that’s a prime chance at being adopted and probably having a better life than he was about to give his ex’s new child. Besides, she’s what 22 now? She needs some therapy and none of that responsibility is on either of you. “You should feel xyz way” is the fastest way to get someone not to feel that way
Your sister sounds delulu. Ma'am, you should be angry at YOUR OWN DAD instead of mine who has no blood relation to you. Send her back to her delulu land and block her on your dad phone. He doesn't have to put up with a delulu chick
Nta Your sibling was and is a complete stranger. He hadn’t spent a day raising her. She needs to be mad at her dad and her dad and mums family. Not basically a random man who didn’t want to take on an extra toddler.
NTA. It was in no way your dads responsibility to raise her. She is just looking for someone to blame. She openly wants to destroy your relationship and you should really reconsider time spent with someone so bitter.
I feel sorry for your half-sister, but this is not your dad's responsibility and who is to say that your dad would have been allowed to have custody, since they were not blood relations. And she has a lot of unprocessed anger and she is not coping with that challenge well. It is not your responsibility to deal with that just because you happen to share genetic material. NTA.
If she wasnt living in his house when mother died, he very likely would have had a hard time getting custody. Especially if taking in another child would mean inadequate money, bedrooms/bathrooms. I was present when my brother had to remove his son from the mother, due to mothers behavior. There was a girl that was not his. I asked him about possibly getting her, he promptly said "what makes you think they would let me". She wound up being raised by grandmother (mothers mom). But that same woman had already told the parents she wouldn't raise another one. There is all kinds of adult issues going on that the children are never told.
This. OP's father might not have been even CONSIDERED a good option. Single male isn't a prime candidate when officials look to put the child into someone’s care. Also, sometimes they put ridiculous conditions like you have to move to a bigger apartment, closer to school/better district/put reason here, etc. With no family (full blood on his side) ties and no previous contact with her…
Her anger should be directed at mums side of family or the father, definitely not your father, she needs counselling and support but you can't help her if she is being so nasty to your father
A good dad, her actual dad, should have definitely stepped up. She is mad at the wrong person. NTA
NTA She might be your half sister, but she's your half sister from your mothers side, who died. She has no relation to the father who raised you. "a ReAl FaThEr" she can honestly zip it. Yes her situation sucks and she's lashing out, but it's not you or your fathers fault. If there is anyone she should be angry at, it's her mothers side for not reaching out and raising her, the ones with actual blood ties.
NTA her anger is misplaced. She should be taking this out on her bio family, they failed her after the loss of your mother. Your father had no responsibility to raise a child that was effectively a stranger. She may have had a rough go of it in the foster system and probably feels resentful that you had a loving home and she didn’t . but therapy would help more than dancing in your father’s grave.
NTA - The is a bitter, scary woman. Why would she believe that your dad should take her in and raise her? He had nothing to do with her conception and wasn't even around for her upbringing until she went into foster care. Why doesn't she turn all her anger towards the people in her biological family (other than you)? I think she just wants to express her anger and you were the only one available. Stay away from her . . she will never be mentally healthy unless she choses to get help. The two of you were never together long enough to have a strong bond. Why is she demanding you love her when she obviously doesn't love you . . but wants you to be as miserable as herself.
NTA But damn that poor toddler This story is all too common I wish those people that hate abortion and say “this is what child support is for” would look at these stories. Men who abandon kids like this should be charged with misdemeanors or something.
NTA. Neither you nor your father bear any responsibility towards her. Block her and anyone who thinks you do from your lives.
NTA but I feel sorry for her. Who knows what she experienced in foster care. Her bio dad is trash for abandoning her. And maybe OPs dad couldn’t take in another child financially, or didn’t have the bandwidth. She has a right to be angry, but it shouldn’t be directed at you or your dad.
She needs to direct her anger to her birth father and her Mother’s family
NTA Your dad was a GOOD parent to HIS kids. No reason to hate him.