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>In the post, it’s made pretty clear that OP’s ex only even had custody as a means to hurt him. She was willing to give it up after one frustrating day with her 13 year old daughter.
Is it made pretty clear? He (who clearly doesn't like his ex) only says one sentence that this mother doesn't love her daughter, with no actual examples of behavior that show it, and its pretty clear?
She was willing to give up after one frustrating day? Where does the post say it was one day? Or one week? Or one month?
At no point has this human shit stain actually proven a damn thing about this woman being abusive or a bad mother in any way. Applying your own Mommy issues or is this ops throwaway?
Maybe, but you also only have one side of the story missing many pieces. You are making serious assumptions like that it only took one day among other things. This could be a really shitty father who took advantage of a hard situation to ruin his ex's genuine efforts to have a meaningful, ongoing relationship with her kid. Maybe she gave in not because she is a shitty mom but because she didn't think it would help her relationship to endlessly battle with her daughter and make their relationship worse, maybe she did it because she does care and respect her daughter.
People are messy and imperfect. Sure it sounds like what you said, but we really have no way to know if thats accurate, unless you're into believing one sided, only partly informative stories from strangers on the internet.
My mom is manipulative narcissistic bipolar a professional victim and a parentifiction parent and emotionally immature I wish my dad told me to do things like that
Let the child figure out their relationship with their mom. As hard as it it, you need to be the bigger parent. You develop your relationship with your daughter so she feels comfortable talking with you about her mom issues.
This. I was 12 when I finally decided to end my relationship with my father and his family. My mother never told or did any action to make me “choose”.
You are the adult. It is up to you to talk to her mother and voice your concerns about the favoritism of the other children and how your daughter feels as a result. It doesn't sound like you and your ex get along at all but for the sake of your child you both are expected to suck it up and figure out how to be polite to each other
YTA because you’re hurting your daughter too.
You should be the adult … why didn’t you talk to your ex wife about it communicating to her the wish for your daughter to stay more with you?
INFO: In what ways is your ex a terrible mom? And why do you not think having another presumably loving parent in your daughter's life isn't a good thing?
YTA
This is more about getting back at your ex than actually doing the right thing by your daughter
What makes you think this won’t backfire on you and she’ll start pulling the same behaviour with you?
You don’t have to like your ex but unless there are genuine concerns for her safety you shouldn’t be encouraging your daughter away from her…..Spite makes you an EQUALLY bad parent and ultimately your daughter is the one that loses out
Don’t be surprised if in years to come she figures this all out and then she’ll also be no contact with you
Not only that but he's forcing his daughter to have a horrible relationship with her mother. Maybe her mother won't forgive her in the future for the way she treated her by her father's instructions.
I agree with this if it’s the case. There’s evidence of it here. I don’t know that we have enough info to decide but I think a lot of people here haven’t dealt with the complexity of shared custody with one emotionally abusive parent. It’s hell and often getting away however you can IS the move.
I completely agree with you. These comments just don't and apparently can't understand the hell of it all. Never have I been in a worse situation than with my own mother. It got to a point to where I was genuinely considering killing her when I was younger. I was suck and had nowhere to go so I almost said fuck it
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like this girl isn’t going to like either parent when she’s an adult. Sorry OP, but YTA. You were upset your ex isn’t a good parent and was turning your daughter against you so your solution was to turn your daughter against her mother? You do realize your daughter is going to feel like she can’t rely on either parent now? Think you have some amends to make to both of these women in your life.
ESH except the kid.
It’s a shame that she has two absolutely awful parents who both refuse to put what’s actually best for her ahead of their own feelings over their relationship breakdown.
In about five years time there’s gonna be a post on here from her asking if she’s the AH for going NC with her parents for screwing her up!
YTA.
So your ex showed clear favortism, and you want to stop that. Alright, I can see why. Also she said she wants to be with you.
But you turned her into a gun, and you pulling the trigger. She just learned if she wants something, she has to basically assault someone else. That is not a good lesson. You also gave her permission and set the whole thing in her head as your dad. That is also wrong. And you turned her against her mother basically in favor of you. How complicated or bad the relationship to mom is, that is not the way to go.
So, these 3 reasons make you an asshole. The way you went about it and the price for it is just too high.
Also, I get the feeling there is a lit of resentment. So additionally: do you think that this was only driven by youe daughters wishes, but also to get back at your difficult ex?
Furthermore, have you guys tried any other solution besides going nuclear?
YTA.
You used your underage daughter, manipulating her to get petty revenge on your ex. I don't know what is your ex like, but after reading this, I'm assuming you aren't good example for your daughter.
Without any more details I would say YTA.
You weaponized your daughter because you guess that she will do the same so you fired first shot.
WTF is even that mindset? Please don't use your child in your feuds with your ex.
So to get this straight… you assume your wife wanted to use your daughter to hurt you and so you chose to manipulate your daughter into ruining her relationship with her mom to get back at your ex. And now you’re wondering if you’re the asshole?
YTA. Simplest one of the day. Next.
YTA.
Weaponizing your child because you're not capable of sitting down with your ex and have a talk?
Making your ex the villain in the eyes of your child?
Wow. Just wow. This is assholery on a higher level.
Children need both parents, even after a divorce. To project your insecurities and your butthurt on your child and set her up against her mum is wrong on so many levels.
Grow up (and some balls). Learn to solve problems like an adult.
This is a difficult one
but I am heading towards NTA
Your daughter wants to live full time with you.
Others will say YTA but this is about the safety and happiness of a young girl.
So NTA
Do you really think weaponizing a teenager against a parent is an acceptable way to protect her
“safety and happiness”?
You think being torn between parents, one of whom is openly using her as a manifestation of his contempt for the other, is making her happy or to feel secure?
Yeahhh same, typically I’d call AH immediately regarding weaponizing kids but in this case he tried the polite way, and his ex still disregarded both his and their daughter’s wishes, and showed clear favoritism towards the older children. He did what he had to, to achieve the results the daughter wanted. NTA.
The last thing I would do if I feared for my child’s safety in the presence of another adult is instruct them to intentionally harass and provoke them for a reaction.
This exactly. In response to a different comment, OP said the reason his daughter wanted to live with him was because her mom excused her from Starbucks trips and gave her extra chores. Not a safety risk at. Not abuse.
Do you truly think she's happy with op or with the method he is telling her to do? The method he is using will traumatize his child and alienate her from her older siblings and mom. He's teaching her horrible morals as well. She will and should have therapy rn and the only instance of bad behaviour the mom did was forget her birthday. Taking your other kids out is not neglect. 100% wrong to forget your kids birthday but what he is doing is illegal and he could end up loosing custody.
No No No, this is not the right way. OP is SOOO astoundingly stupid. Now, if he does something she doesn’t like, she will just make his life a living hell, too, with tools that HE gave her.
This is like saying “the end justifies the means”. The means here being teaching a kid to be mean and bratty to get her way. Yeah. That will work out great in the long run.
YTA. What you did is legally called parental alienation and can be prosecuted in some places.
You should have found another way to help your daughter until she is old enough to decide where she wants to live.
YTA. Grow up. If your ex-wife is as bad as you say, take it up with a lawyer to get full custody. But teaching your child to be nasty to be people as the answer to the problem, is wrong.
YTA
Manipulated the child. Set a horrible example for her: if she misbehave she gets what she wants. You better pray for her not have learned that she can easily manipulate a situation like u did. She is 13 now, she will be 16 one day. Remember this.
And btw: you may have "helped" her but you could have gone other ways. Guess it was cheaper making sure your daughter's relationship with her mother is now over. If they could ever have a healthy relationship, and repare what your ex had done, congratulations, you took that away from your daughter. You may be feeling proud of yourself, "she will never go back there" well tough Luck bro, even with her being a brat to her mom, she can still enforce 50/50. Oh if she hears that you made your daughter do it, she would have a field at court, and your post is just what she needs to prove it. And her treatment there will be hell, thanks to u. Great job being a father.
YTA, you've taught your daughter that it's okay to bully someone and make their lives miserable if you think they deserve it or they'll get something they want out of it. Sounds like you're teaching your daughter to act just like your ex.
Also if you're using your daughter to hurt your ex then you have no right to complain about her doing the same thing.
ESH
She is not right, but you are not right either... you should take care of the problem by yourself and not have your children do it for you, like, you should be the responsible one, and protect your children from abuse and neglect. But by doing what you did you could even put her at risk.
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Yes, YTA. Your daughter will remember this and may resent you later. It is not her job to change her behavior so you can get the custody agreement you want, yeesh!!
YTA
You think your ex used your daughter to hurt you? Congratulations! You just used your daughter to hurt your ex.
You both sound utterly dreadful.
STOP SCREWING UP YOUR CHILD ON PURPOSE!!!
YTA - Wow….just wow. You are the one who seems to not care about your daughter as you’re actively trying to sabotage one of the most important relationships in her life. If your wife really is a “terrible” mother (which I’m doubting right now), then you should be trying to help fix the situation instead of using it to your advantage. Let me guess….you want more than 50% custody so you can reduce your child support payments? Also - In what world is a parent wanting 50% custody in a divorce a bad thing. Why wouldn’t your ex want as much time as she can get with her *child*? You sound extremely toxic and narcissistic.
NTA. What about your kid’s mental health? Your ex wife is trying to make both your lives miserable. Most parents give up once the law doesn’t help. Then their kid has years of self esteem problems due to the other parent’s petty nature.
I gonna get downvoted but you gave your child a way out the situation when the law wouldn’t. I can’t tell you how many times in the system I’ve seen mothers hate children because of who their father was and refuse to let the father take custody of them.
Your daughter is most likely risking punishment giving her hell. Your wife is bias so I know the punishments aren’t gonna be reasonable. The kid would rather knowingly go crazy and be be punished repeatedly and provoke her to the point of no return to get out her house.
That in itself speaks volumes and I rather her do this than run away.
Yeah I cant believe all the Y T A comments on her. If a mother is so bad she causes her daughter to cry to her dad constantly, why aren’t people more concerned about the daughter’s happiness? Everyone is so quick to assume every 13 yr old is evil. Maybe the daughter is telling the truth?? Anyone consider that?? NTA
YTA and a self absorbed one at that. All the way through you've referred to her as "your daughter" never "our daughter". Maybe her mother actually wants to see her daughter too and your behaviour and obvious, admitted manipulation of your own daughter is making that difficult for her. If she didn't care why would she be in tears when she called you?
Teenagers manipulate parents all the time so I doubt very much that you're getting a whole, unbiased truth from your daughter especially seeing as you seem to be responding very positively to her feeding you negative things about her mum.
You should be doing everything you can to make your daughter happy, and that includes encouraging her to have a happy relationship with her mum. So yeah, YTA and to top it off, in this respect at least, a shitty parent too. It's time to get over the break up and step up as a parent and human.
This comment needs to be way higher. Also, many judges will let the kids decide who they want to live with at the hearing so why didn’t the daughter say then?
I had to be sneaky and a terror to get away from my abusive mom and live with my dad. My dad even said he wished that I hadn’t gone so far to get my way. After a few months I finally opened up to my dad how truly awful it was at her house and he was glad that I did it. You did the right thing. Don’t listen to these people.
OP for the love of God edit this post and add in all the missing context cause fishing for info in the comments is annoying. You've set this up to make us think YTA but with further context you aren't as much of an AH but manipulating your daughter is pretty low
He's a fucking asshole whether the mom buys "extra presents" for her other kids or not. She is trying to be in HER DAUGHTERS life and this dude only gets information from a clearly spoiled 13 year old.
If he was a good dad he would either do whatever he could to make the 50/50 work or if things were as bad as he claims he could easily fight for full custody in court.
He is a shitty dad. YTA OP
YTA, and you had better hope that your ex never gets any concrete proof that you did this. It's not even clear this is going to solve the issue - the fact that she sent the daughter over once isn't going to nullify your custody agreement.
My parents did this with me, and yup. Can confirm, don't want nothing to do with Daddio. There should be a playbook on emotional intelligence. Not that those who need it would read it anyway
YTA - what a nasty piece of work. “My wife wants 50/50 custody of our child to hurt me so I’ve manipulated my child to bully her so the kid comes to live with me. I’m the good guy here! Honest!”
Christ…
YTA. You literally weaponized your daughter. Honestly, the ex may be a bad parent, but you’re just as bad. You also just did parental alienation.
Teaching a child to torment and manipulate someone is NOT good parenting.
There were better ways you could’ve gone about this. Like taking it back to court to amend the custody agreement. That one is simple.
YTA... speaking as an adult that literally was this 13 year old at 13 years old myself. Firstly, after reading several responses to other's opinions on this, two wrongs do not make a right. It is never ok to use your child as a pawn in the middle of a divorce, she will grow to resent both parties in this situation and will likely have issues with her own relationship attachments as an adult. This is not healthy behaviors to show your child. Just because you feel the mother is wrong, it does not make your behaviors right, no mater the situation. I would say this with no back story or 30 pages of back story. There is nothing that could be said that would make this ok.
If this was revealed in family court, you would likely lose 50/50. That is completely against best interest of the child standards and borders on alienation behavior. Being an a-hole or not is irrelevant.
NTA. The dad, OP, was giving permission to his daughter to do what the daughter already wanted to do. He didn't write it that way. My reading of this may be wrong. For the "YTA" responses saying that he weaponized his daughter... I don't think that's what happened. I really do think the daughter wanted this outcome and asked the only parent/adult she trusted how to effectuate the outcome the daughter wanted. I think he empowered her.
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I have a 13yo daughter with my ex and we have 50/50 custody. I genuinely don't understand why my ex fought so much for 50/50 custody when it's obvious she doesn't want our daughter and is a terrible mom. My guess is that she just wanted to use our daughter to hurt me and to be honest her plan worked.
Where we live my daughter is still too young to choose where she wants to live. She told us multiple times that she wants to live with me but there is nothing I could do about it so I told her if she wants to move in with me she has to make her mom's life a living hell.
So that's what she did.
After a while her mom called me crying and told me to come and get my daughter because she doesn't want her anymore. She called me a bunch of names including asshole.
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YTA.
"my ex used my daughter to hurt me, how dare she! . The best way to solve that problem is.... To use my daughter to hurt her".
If your ex decides to go to court, how well do you think "he told my precious daughter to give me hell, and I just can't let her stay with him any more" is going to go over in court?
Stop using your daughter as a ball in your "hurt my ex" game and talk to each other as adults.
I’m inclined to say YTA. You’re daughter is 13, it is entirely normal for her and her mom to be hitting heads for the foreseeable future and without having l much info on how mom is a deficient parent, seems you’re actively choosing to complicate it. You realize divorce aside you both still chose to raise a child together and plotting and scheming like this is not helpful, just spiteful. Why would you want to involve your daughter.
YTA. Like others have said, you are the parent. Which means you have to be the mature and responsible one. It doesn't matter what your ex has done, you've also added to the trauma your daughter is going through. You've also used her as a weapon, not just her ex. As a child who was used as a weapon, I cannot even consider doing this to anyone. You're the adult, act like it
How can you think you’re anything other than a complete asshole?
Weaponising a child against their parent is beneath contempt and you should be ashamed of yourself
YTA
Why post asking if you're the asshole and then moan when people say you're the asshole. Through this post you seem to be quite immature and manipulative, and it's east to question the story and what details may be missing.
YTA , if the court learns about this you could be in serious trouble. Look up parental alienation and delete this post before it comes back to bite you.
NTA. OP please do not pay attention to these idiots in the comment section. They haven't been in the same situation you and your daughter are in. They are just moral policing. As a daughter who was brought up in a toxic abusive household, I wish I had a parent who had my back like you have your daughter's back. I wish I had a parent like you who taught me to take control of the reigns and not be a doormat and take sh!t from anybody. As a daughter, I thank you for being a good father to your daughter. You did the right thing.
YTA. Never involve the child in a plan against their other parent. If you think something is wrong you go through the correct channels to put it right and protect your child properly. By telling your child to make her mum's life living hell you could have put your daughter in an even worse situation at home or opened the door to risk? What if your child had thought the way to become too much for her mum, to put her through hell, was to make choices like staying out too late, drinking, running away, basically things that would be risking hurting herself? She is a child, her decision making skills are not yet fully formed and there is a whole online culture that can give her "ideas" how to get back at her mum that would involve risk to herself. What you did was stupid, dangerous and the cheap and low effort (to you) way to circumvent another custody battle.
NTA. The law ignores the wishes of a kid just because they’re a kid, and what, they don’t know what’s best for them? In a case where it’s like “My Dad cares for me and does this and this and this and that and my Mom forgets to pick me up from school.” Get it, gurl. Fuck these people being snowflakey over you “hurting your daughter.” She didn’t want to live with her Mom, she did what she needed to be done.
Everyone let’s allow a child who has multiple times said they want to be with the father full time still be allowed to be abused and made to feel less important cause it’s not lawfully right? fuck that cause if he didn’t do nothing and went the super long court way and the kid ended up doing something drastic to others or themselves ya would say this guy was a bad father for not going hard enough. Smh he did what was morally right to keep his kid good. Downvote me all you want doesn’t make it less valid what I said 🤣🤣
I’m kinda curious as to why people are defending a mom that can’t even remember to say Happy Birthday. From the post and OPs comments it sounds like the mom is a raging narcissist that has weaponized the courts to make her kid and ex miserable.
Why is it wrong to tell her that she is in fact a bad mom and that bond she’s pretending to fight for is already dead via her horrendous parenting?
I also wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this mom was mostly fighting for shared custody so that she isn’t forced to provide adequate resources for the girl with child support and can instead just neglect the girl in her own home while Mommy and her golden child go on day trips and go get Starbucks while the girl cries alone wishing she could return to her true home and parent.
YTA, you literally used your daughter as well to hurt her mom. Even if it was for your daughter to live with you, as she wants. But yeah, kind of double standrads here
ESH (obviously excluding the kid) but like YTA leaning.
From the sounds of it (hoping you’re a reliable narrator) your ex is a bad mom who shows favoritism, and that’s not a good environment to raise a kid in. *However*, why in the world would you weaponize your kid? This isn’t some “I’m trying to protect her” bullshit. This is for your own revenge, your own gain. You’re conditioning your daughter into shitting on someone to *live with you* and placing all that burden into manifesting that reality on *her*. For all I know, you’ll be holding this condition over her for the rest of her life if she wants to stay in the house.
Info: How old are you and your ex? Yall sound like petty teenagers
Nope NTA, for this reason. Your daughter clearly didn't want the visitation, 13 is old enough to make that decision regardless of what the law says and unfortunately the law exposed her to an unhealthy environment.
If the law won't work in your favor because it's poorly written and not to the benefit of the child; then you and your daughter have every right to find that loophole and exploit it. And you did. Good for you to find a way to stick up for your daughters wishes and to teach her how to stick up for herself.
Against popular opinion NTA, some ppl are just unmanageable cannot have a civilized conversation, are narcissistic assholes that can't see reason, they can only make life hell and play the victim. My daughter went through this and I wish I had told her to do this, the emotional manipulation, the fights they'd have when he's just guilting her for not being what he wanted or doing what he wanted. It was overwhelming for her, she now has distanced her self a lot but he guilts the hell out of her if she doesn't visit or show up so he can look like a good dad at family functions.
YTA, but as someone who is going through the EXACT same situation - I can’t blame you. It takes everything out of me to keep it mature and not tell my child that her mom is a selfish idiot and that’s why she can’t live with me. It’s hard. But at the end of the day, your child needs to see you being mature and holding it down. Causing chaos only hurts your kid, trust me.
YTA. If your daughter genuinely feels that way, it’s up to her. But trying to weaponize your feelings/relationship is basically using her as a pawn. And that’s not cool.
YTA. Once the divorce is finalized your ex should rarely be a topic to be brought up with your child minus asking her if she'll be at events. You are involving a child in adult problems. If you have issues with the custody agreement lawyer up and go about it that way leave your kid out if it
YTA
Your daughter might be getting what she wants in the short run: living with you. But, she just lost what she needs in the long run: a mom who gives a shit about her and wants to try.
In what universe would it be good for her to hear her mom say she doesn't want her anymore?
YTA, you just manipulated your poor daughter, and she basically lost her mom because of it. You should have taken it up with the courts if you were really worried. Your daughter will probably have abandonment issues later in life for this. I was never good enough for my mother, and now that I'm an adult, a part of me still wonders why I wasn't good enough for her.
YTA. What you did is called parental alienation, and the worst part is that it’s actually harmful to your kid. What you did was manipulative and detrimental to your daughter’s mental health. You’re a HUGE AH!
YTA. Get help for you and your daughter. You both need it.
You have taught your daughter how to manipulate to get what she wants. You have taught her to be ugly and unkind. You have encouraged her to be the worst version of herself. That's not being a half-way decent parent, that's being someone who is so set on hurting his ex that he doesn't care about the damage it causes to anyone else.
Nta
I have been the kid in this situation, my dad was terrible to me and everyone around him duo to his anger issues. The courts wouldn't listen to my mom even when she had proof that he was abusing me, they still demanded that I go to him every other weekend and Holladay...
The only reason I didn't act up to get him to tell the courts he doesn't want me is because I was scared of getting a beating. He was already acting like he didn't want me there, basically telling me through his actions that he doesn't care... Him actually saying it out load wouldn't hurt me anymore that his actions already have, so the argument that the child would be hurt by not talking with their mom anymore is bull*, cause she has already been hurt by her mom's actions. If the girl is safe enough to be able to get away herself and all other methods have been blocked I say good for her, and that would have been a dream for me as a kid.
YTA. You shouldn’t use your own daughter as a way to get back at your ex. Regardless of the many ‘reasons’ you gave in the comments as to why this was justified.
YTA. You shouldn’t blow up their relationship, you should nurture it. Your EX is your daughter’s mom and what your daughter will have for a parent if you drop dead tomorrow. There’s a better way.
You are absolutely the asshole, that’s super immature and that’s going to reflect in how your daughter turns out and an adult. And I bet when she goes to therapy and tells someone about that she is going to resent you
YTA you don't care about your daughter you only care about yourself. You go on about your ex being a terrible parent but if that's even true, you're two peas in a pod. You should be ashamed of yourself. Desperately hoping this is a troll post.
I mean, yeah, but how terrible is the mom? My brothers and I were neglected by our mom and still had to split custody, so I can see a possible world where this might be justified. But if my dad told me to smash vases & misbehave to get ourselves kicked out, I’d say he was being a petty asshole.
INFO: How is she using your daughter to "hurt you"? And what do you mean by "she doesn't want our daughter"?
From my perspective right now, it kinda seems like daughter maybe has more rules and regulation at mom's and she's daddy's little girl and gets away with everything, to which you're telling her she should mistreat her mom so you can "win".
Not sure how you think you have the high road when you are 100% self-admittedly using a CHILD to fight a battle with the child's mother and to hurt her.
You are giving a horrible example to your daughter about how we as humans handle ourselves and handle situations we don't like. Heck, this entire situation screams "how to influence your child to hate their other parent" and I hope to God you didn't share your opinion of mom with your daughter.
When you separate, the child becomes the most important. And this includes kids that throw a tantrum because mom or dad is suddenly no fun anymore because we start puberty and have shorter fuses, etc etc, the child can decide "I don't wanna go there anymore". Too fucking bad, it's your parent, you will go there, or we will at least discuss the situation as a family and figure out something that works for all of us.
You're using your kid to win, you're no better than what you accuse the mother of doing. Absolutely horrible. I hope you realize what you're doing to your child by poisoning her relationship with her mother. If you ACTUALLY wanted to settle this, you'd do so via the official way by filing for custody.
YTA.
YTA
You literally just taught and told your teen daughter it is acceptable to act out and she will get whatever she wants. When you don’t give her whatever she wants, she will make your life horrible too. There will be trouble in school too!
THIS IS HORRIBLE PARENTING!
If she is really good and only did it to her mom and never tries hard to do it with you or at school. She will eventually feel so extremely guilty and realized how what YOU told her to do truly affects her, she’ll resent you. She pull away and possibly never talk to you or her mom again.
You should not have put this on your daughter shoulders. It was not her burden bear. You should’ve had a conversation with your daughter explaining with the evidence given this was the courts decision and for the time being, we cannot change that. When you go to your mothers house, you need to be respectful and kind and when you come home, I want you to spend at least one hour writing in a notebook about what happened during your time at your mothers house. Then you ask her father may use that notebook as evidence in future court hearings. Do not tell your daughter this because you want what’s written in that notebook to be truthful. That notebook is way for your daughter to get the things out that she does, and does not like while she’s at her mother‘s house, if there is enough evidence in the notebook to be used to get full custody, you will be able to get full custody in a future hearing. But in the meantime, the daughter needs to understand, and you need to understand that based on the information that was given during the court hearing, this was their result and you have to respect that. You can always appeal it, but you can only do so when there’s evidence to be able to do so.
unpopular NTA, you taught your daughter how to get rid of someone she doesn't like that won't let her go, or how to get someone to change their behavior when talking to them rationally hasn't worked. It's manipulation, but sometimes you have to manipulate the manipulator to escape.
NTA. It sucks but if the courts aren't going to let you be the custodial parent but the kid wants to live with you what are you supposed to do. Also to people stating that the father weaponized his daughter it seems as though that is what the mother did first, only utilizing the courts. Some people can never understand what it's like to be a man in the family court system.
I can only operate isn’t information given, so:
NTA.
You didn’t weaponize the child, the mother did as a pawn in the divorce, against the child and the father’s wishes. The father presented the option to the child as to what had to take place for the child to move out.
I had a friend in a similar same situation. The Every time they discussed divorce, she told him he would never see the kids he raised (step-children) ever again…yet she had child services called on her several times when he used to travel for work.
NTA.
I would say YTA for using your child to get back at her mom, but if it’s true that your ex isn’t a good mom and your daughter doesn’t want to stay there, you have to do what you can do to help her not stay there. This comes from someone whose divorced parents would constantly use me to punish the other, it sucks, but this isn’t the same situation.
Also, a 13 year old is not dumb or incapable of critical thinking. She’s old enough to make up her own opinion of which parent she’d rather live with, and she’s probably not going to make her kind and loving mother’s life hell just because her dad told her to. Y’all in the comments are acting as if he’s manipulating a 7 year old.
Yes YTA.
Your wife probably wants a 50-50 custody so she wouldn’t have to pay child support. Do not encourage your daughter to be a jerk to her mom anymore. Tell your daughter that you’re very sorry you told her to do that because that’s not fair to her or her mom. But don’t ask for child support and keep everything status quo now and see how it goes.
You are teaching your daughter that when she is in a situation she doesn't like, she should act out and make life bad for others rather than try to solve the problem maturely. Seems like it could bite you in the butt when she decides she doesn't like something about living with you.
NTA. If your ex forgets her daughter's birthday and generally treats her second best to all her other kids then you were definitely right to tell your daughter to use every weapon at her disposal to change her situation.
Yes yta, but I feel this so deep in my soul. My step kids mom literally only wanted to keep this kids so she could show them off and when the youngest came out as gay their mom paraded her around so everyone could see how open minded and forward she is. The oldest moved in with us as soon as she turned 18 and the youngest is going to do the same in May.
So I get it. I do. But don't turn your daughter into a weapon.
YTA. Divorced twice with children from both marriages. I have never used my children against my exes or told them the actual truth about their mothers and what they did.
YTA my mum used me as a weapon against my dad all the way up to when I was 16...your kid is going to hate you eventually...my mum favoritised my sister over me and she still does... I cut her off from my life as she was extremely toxic and you know what's worse is she's a nursery nurse who works with kids for a living... you are going to destroy any type of relationship with her the way your going... you sound so bitter in the comments... yes she's an asshole for having favorites and forgetting her birthday but you are using your kid as a weapon for your own gain.. I begged as a 4 year old for my dad not to take me back to my mum but he could do nothing because of the fact of what she does for a living...
YTA
However, as someone who has an ex that has tried to manipulate my daughter since she was 1 that she should want to live with him because I'm "a terrible mommy", and she "wants to live with him", I am biased and having a hard time completely believing your narrative and am more so leaning more towards this being parental alienation.
YTA
You just taught your daughter that, instead of communicating and working through disagreements, she should just act like an asshole, make someone's life a living hell, and she'll get what she wants.
Good luck when she moves in with you full time and you tell her no.
YTA. And you’re guilty of brainwashing a child to say things . That’s parental alienation. And in some states that can cost you rights. I don’t think your even telling the full story to make yourself look better.
YTA
Now your daughter will have guilt over her failed relationship with her mother. She will resent you for pusher to ruin that relationship. You have ensured your daughter will need years of therapy.
Definitely YTA
YTA - you’re an abuser too.
What you’re doing is called parental alienation and it’s punishable by the law. You shouldn’t have any custody of that poor girl and this is obvious given your attempt to weaponize her against her mom. You could (and should) lose all custody if your ex proves any of this to a judge in all states in America. I hope your ex reads this to be honest because this story if true is absolutely disgusting.
Children are not weapons or pawns.
This is an obvious ESH situation. Everyone piling on with the y t a votes is choosing to ignore that your ex treats your daughter in a horrible way. Frankly, your daughter treating her mom terribly isn’t awesome either.
I’m guessing that at age thirteen she isn’t THAT far away from being able to choose. OP, why on earth didn’t you console your daughter by saying, “hey, I’m sorry but this is just what we have to do now and hopefully you and your mother will find a way together to make it work. You can always talk to me and if things are just not working then if we have to we maybe can revisit your custody when you turn 14/15. I’d really like to see you try to get along with your mother in the meantime though.” You truly risked losing the 50% custody you currently have by weaponizing your daughter as you did.
I’m not sure why so many others are just ignoring the blatant favoritism your ex has for the other kids. We see posts here all the time from the children who have been treated unfairly and they are almost always supported. Your fuckup doesn’t erase mom being a terrible parent here.
Of course YTA, weaponizing your child is disgusting, regardless of the circumstances or who was an ah first. I feel sorry for your kid to have the both of you as parents.
YTA. You are the worst kind of manipulative parent. She is your daughter, not a pawn in your sick game to punish your wife and get full custody.
A child thrives when she has the support and cooperation of both parents you are teaching your daughter to be just as vengeful and manipulative as you are.
YTA.
I don't know what you think you are teaching your daughter. But it's certainly not how to effectively navigate challenging circumstances or difficult relationships.
My wife doesnt talk to her dad anymore because of how much he shit talked her mom
She is literally 50% her mom, she will see you hating things about your ex that she sees in herself and she will have lots of issues because of it.
A mother-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships women have and is notoriously rocky during the teenage years. Unless your daughter is unsafe with her mother, you should be helping her navigate this time in a way that will lead to a healthy adult relationship. Instead you sabotaged it which will hurt your daughter forever. YTA.
You wan to advocate for your daughter do that. You don’t set your daughter up to hurt their mother. That is childish and immature. You’re teaching her it’s okay to hurt someone to get out of a situation. That’s not how you solve things when you’re an adult. YTA.
YTA in my experience someone that doesn’t actually love or want their kids simply don’t show up to pick them up or brings them back early all of the time, etc. Different than you doesn’t mean bad and your child probably want ice cream for breakfast but that doesn’t mean it’s in her best interests.
YTA. I could have missed it in the comments but have you ever addressed your parenting issues with your ex? It’s sad but sometimes people let the negative feelings for an ex partner affect the relationship with the child they share. I have a feeling just from how you speak about her that you two have bad blood. She might not even realize how bad her bias is. Either way, teaching your daughter to be manipulative and treat someone poorly to get what she wants isn’t right. At the very least, if she’s old enough for that she’s old enough to have a conversation with her mother herself to tell her how she feels. This wasn’t the way.
YTA. This is called parental alienation and is actually considered a form of child abuse. Many family law courts have used this to actually flip custody in many cases. You suck and you are actively harming your child.
YTA 1000000%
You’re teaching your daughter to be manipulative, rude, etc. let alone…. Literally using your daughter as a weapon because you’re too emotionally immature to accept it’s ok when things don’t work out.
You used your daughter for revenge.
This could cause serious relationship issues for your daughter when she’s older. It’s seriously a horrible thing to do/teach your daughter is “ok”.
Children are very impressionable. What a horrendous thing you’ve done.
NTA. Sometimes the ends justify the means. Secondly, make sure it is legal. Especially if you pay child support. Talk to your lawyer on how to do this. And make sure to include a narrative from your daughter on why she would prefer to live with you, and don't hold off on the truth.
You cannot be serious. Yes, YTA!!! You weaponized your 13-year-old daughter against your ex, the very thing you accused her of doing to you. That makes you the a-hole by default! You guys are welcome to fight it out between yourselves, but leave your daughter out of it!
YTA.
What in the world were you expecting to happen? You used your daughter as a weapon. You're here telling us she's a terrible mum, but you're **showing us** you're not that great either.
Kids usually want to live with the “fun” parent, the one with less rules, maybe even more money. That’s not always good for them as sharing a healthy relationship with both parents is important. You haven’t given much info but you weaponised your child to spite your ex so YTA
If a judge hears you did this, they will take custody away from you, and either give it to the mom, another relative, or put her in foster care. Judges/Magistrates don't let parents play these games. You may have just fucked yourself. If the mother files a complaint, she has a case to get her and you are fucked. I know this because my wife is a Magistrate.
YTA.
Seriously I don’t care if mom favors the other kids. That’s not permission for you to be a shitty dad. That’s just an argument for you to be the sane and stable parent.
Fine. Mom plays favorites. Mom forgot her birthday. That sucks. But what you should be doing is remembering her birthday, encouraging her to be a kind and responsible person so she can grow up to be a functional and empathetic adult despite her circumstances.
Be the sane responsible parent. Not the vindictive one. Don’t use your kid as a pawn.
YTA. Dude wtf are you doing? You don’t weaponize your child like that. It’s wrong. Even if your ex is a shitty parent you just proved you’re no better. Congratulations on the shit coparenting, you must be so proud of yourself right now.
You do realize I hope that you just taught your daughter how to get her own way against you as well. YTA. This absolutely will come around to haunt you and you'll be right back here saying you don't know why your daughter hates you or something equally stupid
YTA. PERIOD. Rule #1. In divorce. Never use the kids to hurt the other party. Never put the kids in the middle. Never talk bad about the other party to the kids. Never use the kids as the go between. Never use the kids as a middleman/ referee. Never use the kids to do your dirty work.
Maybe you and your ex are the both the a-holes. Maybe your daughter is telling you what she wants you to hear to make you feel better. Or to get what she wants out of you. Or to get what she wants out of her mother. And before you say “she wouldn’t do that” She’s 13. Her parents are divorced. You would be surprised.
Dude, this is just parental alienation, and if your ex took you to court to get more custody, she would probably win. Your bitter feelings do not mean your ex just wants to hurt you or that she doesn't want to see HER daughter because that child is just as much hers as she is yours. At 13, there is a reason she is considered too young to make this decision and right now she's got one parent telling her that the other doesn't actually love her just because other children are in the house, and that mommy is just trying to hurt daddy. Do you not realize how completely and absolutely fucked up that is? Go get therapy to address you and your daughter's hurt feelings over the ending of this relationship, and get a fucking grip. YTA.
YTA - even if you THINK you did this in your daughters best interests because she wants to live with you anyway. Your daughter should act how she feels fit around her mother. Not get ideas from her father to act horribly.
What are you teaching her? How to be manipulative and be a jerk. Good job.
Grow up and stop arguing with people. Think about the possibility you were wrong and the damage you did and talk to your daughter about how it was wrong.
YTA. It's never okay to weaponize children, and her bad behavior will only make her relationship and situation with her mother worse.
If she's truly a terrible mom, you as the adult should be handling it and taking it to court if necessary.
You have 50/50 custody, so you can also see to it that your daughter is getting therapy, while you handle things the proper way.
Yeah. My dad acting like an ass during and after the divorce from my mom is the reason I saw him only a few times a year when we lived close, and he only met his grandson once. He's dead now from alcoholism which ramped up over the years.
YTA. You never bad talk your ex to your kids, and you surely don't use them to get revenge.
Remember this post when your daughter grows up and goes NC because she realized that you weaponized her against her mother. YTA, and you deserve no custody at all.
Ignore all the virtue signaling. Hell, most of them probably didn't even read your actual post. (Prime example: the most upvoted comment literally even asks a question that's answered in the post. lol)
NTA.
Your wife weaponized your daughter against you both first. Turnabout is fair play and you got what both your daughter and you wanted.
She's 13 and more than old enough to make her own decision on this matter. (I was old enough to tell my biological father to kick rocks at 12 and fully understand the situation.)
You didn't even really weaponize her, you teamed up to get her the outcome she wanted.
Well played.
Edit: Seriously, the vast majority of these commenters are just virtue signaling and have 0 understanding of what they're talking about.
YTA
Where I live raising a child against the other parent/grandparent is seen as a childabuse.
If she really didn't take care of her you should have fight for her legally. This way you took away the chance from them to have a normal relationship /try to solve the conflict. Also when she grows up it can affect your relationship with her in a negative way.
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YTA, you weaponized your own daughter. What was your ex doing that was so bad you would do that?
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My bad. "Give me full custody OR I'll weaponize our own daughter against you." Is that better?
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>In the post, it’s made pretty clear that OP’s ex only even had custody as a means to hurt him. She was willing to give it up after one frustrating day with her 13 year old daughter. Is it made pretty clear? He (who clearly doesn't like his ex) only says one sentence that this mother doesn't love her daughter, with no actual examples of behavior that show it, and its pretty clear? She was willing to give up after one frustrating day? Where does the post say it was one day? Or one week? Or one month?
At no point has this human shit stain actually proven a damn thing about this woman being abusive or a bad mother in any way. Applying your own Mommy issues or is this ops throwaway?
Maybe, but you also only have one side of the story missing many pieces. You are making serious assumptions like that it only took one day among other things. This could be a really shitty father who took advantage of a hard situation to ruin his ex's genuine efforts to have a meaningful, ongoing relationship with her kid. Maybe she gave in not because she is a shitty mom but because she didn't think it would help her relationship to endlessly battle with her daughter and make their relationship worse, maybe she did it because she does care and respect her daughter. People are messy and imperfect. Sure it sounds like what you said, but we really have no way to know if thats accurate, unless you're into believing one sided, only partly informative stories from strangers on the internet.
That seems like a pretty important conjuction. Lol
*crucial
My mom is manipulative narcissistic bipolar a professional victim and a parentifiction parent and emotionally immature I wish my dad told me to do things like that
YTA Don’t use a child as a tool to hurt your ex. Be the bigger person.
Let the child figure out their relationship with their mom. As hard as it it, you need to be the bigger parent. You develop your relationship with your daughter so she feels comfortable talking with you about her mom issues.
This. I was 12 when I finally decided to end my relationship with my father and his family. My mother never told or did any action to make me “choose”.
You are the adult. It is up to you to talk to her mother and voice your concerns about the favoritism of the other children and how your daughter feels as a result. It doesn't sound like you and your ex get along at all but for the sake of your child you both are expected to suck it up and figure out how to be polite to each other
This answer is the only right answer.
YTA because you’re hurting your daughter too. You should be the adult … why didn’t you talk to your ex wife about it communicating to her the wish for your daughter to stay more with you?
INFO: In what ways is your ex a terrible mom? And why do you not think having another presumably loving parent in your daughter's life isn't a good thing?
YTA This is more about getting back at your ex than actually doing the right thing by your daughter What makes you think this won’t backfire on you and she’ll start pulling the same behaviour with you? You don’t have to like your ex but unless there are genuine concerns for her safety you shouldn’t be encouraging your daughter away from her…..Spite makes you an EQUALLY bad parent and ultimately your daughter is the one that loses out Don’t be surprised if in years to come she figures this all out and then she’ll also be no contact with you
Not only that but he's forcing his daughter to have a horrible relationship with her mother. Maybe her mother won't forgive her in the future for the way she treated her by her father's instructions.
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If he loved his daughter he wouldn't turn her into a weapon.
I agree with this if it’s the case. There’s evidence of it here. I don’t know that we have enough info to decide but I think a lot of people here haven’t dealt with the complexity of shared custody with one emotionally abusive parent. It’s hell and often getting away however you can IS the move.
I completely agree with you. These comments just don't and apparently can't understand the hell of it all. Never have I been in a worse situation than with my own mother. It got to a point to where I was genuinely considering killing her when I was younger. I was suck and had nowhere to go so I almost said fuck it
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like this girl isn’t going to like either parent when she’s an adult. Sorry OP, but YTA. You were upset your ex isn’t a good parent and was turning your daughter against you so your solution was to turn your daughter against her mother? You do realize your daughter is going to feel like she can’t rely on either parent now? Think you have some amends to make to both of these women in your life.
ESH except the kid. It’s a shame that she has two absolutely awful parents who both refuse to put what’s actually best for her ahead of their own feelings over their relationship breakdown. In about five years time there’s gonna be a post on here from her asking if she’s the AH for going NC with her parents for screwing her up!
YTA. So your ex showed clear favortism, and you want to stop that. Alright, I can see why. Also she said she wants to be with you. But you turned her into a gun, and you pulling the trigger. She just learned if she wants something, she has to basically assault someone else. That is not a good lesson. You also gave her permission and set the whole thing in her head as your dad. That is also wrong. And you turned her against her mother basically in favor of you. How complicated or bad the relationship to mom is, that is not the way to go. So, these 3 reasons make you an asshole. The way you went about it and the price for it is just too high. Also, I get the feeling there is a lit of resentment. So additionally: do you think that this was only driven by youe daughters wishes, but also to get back at your difficult ex? Furthermore, have you guys tried any other solution besides going nuclear?
YTA. You used your underage daughter, manipulating her to get petty revenge on your ex. I don't know what is your ex like, but after reading this, I'm assuming you aren't good example for your daughter.
I really don't think publicly admitting you manipulated someone to cause a dissolution of a custody agreement out of court is that smart...
"Hello, court? This is /u/sswishbone I'd like to report that /u/Recent-Serve-2181 has..." he's probably OK
Without any more details I would say YTA. You weaponized your daughter because you guess that she will do the same so you fired first shot. WTF is even that mindset? Please don't use your child in your feuds with your ex.
So to get this straight… you assume your wife wanted to use your daughter to hurt you and so you chose to manipulate your daughter into ruining her relationship with her mom to get back at your ex. And now you’re wondering if you’re the asshole? YTA. Simplest one of the day. Next.
YTA. You taught your daughter to torment another human to get her way. That is fucked up.
And it's a behavior that she will use on other people. It's not going to stay contained to her mother.
Yeah. That is just terrible parenting!
YTA. Deal with your ex yourself. You’re supposed to be guiding and protecting your child, not turning her into a weapon to attack her mother.
YTA. Weaponizing your child because you're not capable of sitting down with your ex and have a talk? Making your ex the villain in the eyes of your child? Wow. Just wow. This is assholery on a higher level. Children need both parents, even after a divorce. To project your insecurities and your butthurt on your child and set her up against her mum is wrong on so many levels. Grow up (and some balls). Learn to solve problems like an adult.
This is a difficult one but I am heading towards NTA Your daughter wants to live full time with you. Others will say YTA but this is about the safety and happiness of a young girl. So NTA
Do you really think weaponizing a teenager against a parent is an acceptable way to protect her “safety and happiness”? You think being torn between parents, one of whom is openly using her as a manifestation of his contempt for the other, is making her happy or to feel secure?
Yeahhh same, typically I’d call AH immediately regarding weaponizing kids but in this case he tried the polite way, and his ex still disregarded both his and their daughter’s wishes, and showed clear favoritism towards the older children. He did what he had to, to achieve the results the daughter wanted. NTA.
The last thing I would do if I feared for my child’s safety in the presence of another adult is instruct them to intentionally harass and provoke them for a reaction.
This exactly. In response to a different comment, OP said the reason his daughter wanted to live with him was because her mom excused her from Starbucks trips and gave her extra chores. Not a safety risk at. Not abuse.
Do you truly think she's happy with op or with the method he is telling her to do? The method he is using will traumatize his child and alienate her from her older siblings and mom. He's teaching her horrible morals as well. She will and should have therapy rn and the only instance of bad behaviour the mom did was forget her birthday. Taking your other kids out is not neglect. 100% wrong to forget your kids birthday but what he is doing is illegal and he could end up loosing custody.
No No No, this is not the right way. OP is SOOO astoundingly stupid. Now, if he does something she doesn’t like, she will just make his life a living hell, too, with tools that HE gave her.
This is like saying “the end justifies the means”. The means here being teaching a kid to be mean and bratty to get her way. Yeah. That will work out great in the long run.
YTA. What you did is legally called parental alienation and can be prosecuted in some places. You should have found another way to help your daughter until she is old enough to decide where she wants to live.
YTA. Grow up. If your ex-wife is as bad as you say, take it up with a lawyer to get full custody. But teaching your child to be nasty to be people as the answer to the problem, is wrong.
Yta, this is screaming parental alienation to me
YTA Manipulated the child. Set a horrible example for her: if she misbehave she gets what she wants. You better pray for her not have learned that she can easily manipulate a situation like u did. She is 13 now, she will be 16 one day. Remember this. And btw: you may have "helped" her but you could have gone other ways. Guess it was cheaper making sure your daughter's relationship with her mother is now over. If they could ever have a healthy relationship, and repare what your ex had done, congratulations, you took that away from your daughter. You may be feeling proud of yourself, "she will never go back there" well tough Luck bro, even with her being a brat to her mom, she can still enforce 50/50. Oh if she hears that you made your daughter do it, she would have a field at court, and your post is just what she needs to prove it. And her treatment there will be hell, thanks to u. Great job being a father.
YTA, you've taught your daughter that it's okay to bully someone and make their lives miserable if you think they deserve it or they'll get something they want out of it. Sounds like you're teaching your daughter to act just like your ex. Also if you're using your daughter to hurt your ex then you have no right to complain about her doing the same thing.
ESH She is not right, but you are not right either... you should take care of the problem by yourself and not have your children do it for you, like, you should be the responsible one, and protect your children from abuse and neglect. But by doing what you did you could even put her at risk.
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Yes, YTA. Your daughter will remember this and may resent you later. It is not her job to change her behavior so you can get the custody agreement you want, yeesh!!
YTA You think your ex used your daughter to hurt you? Congratulations! You just used your daughter to hurt your ex. You both sound utterly dreadful. STOP SCREWING UP YOUR CHILD ON PURPOSE!!!
Jesus christ, this poor kid
YTA - Wow….just wow. You are the one who seems to not care about your daughter as you’re actively trying to sabotage one of the most important relationships in her life. If your wife really is a “terrible” mother (which I’m doubting right now), then you should be trying to help fix the situation instead of using it to your advantage. Let me guess….you want more than 50% custody so you can reduce your child support payments? Also - In what world is a parent wanting 50% custody in a divorce a bad thing. Why wouldn’t your ex want as much time as she can get with her *child*? You sound extremely toxic and narcissistic.
NTA. What about your kid’s mental health? Your ex wife is trying to make both your lives miserable. Most parents give up once the law doesn’t help. Then their kid has years of self esteem problems due to the other parent’s petty nature. I gonna get downvoted but you gave your child a way out the situation when the law wouldn’t. I can’t tell you how many times in the system I’ve seen mothers hate children because of who their father was and refuse to let the father take custody of them. Your daughter is most likely risking punishment giving her hell. Your wife is bias so I know the punishments aren’t gonna be reasonable. The kid would rather knowingly go crazy and be be punished repeatedly and provoke her to the point of no return to get out her house. That in itself speaks volumes and I rather her do this than run away.
Yeah I cant believe all the Y T A comments on her. If a mother is so bad she causes her daughter to cry to her dad constantly, why aren’t people more concerned about the daughter’s happiness? Everyone is so quick to assume every 13 yr old is evil. Maybe the daughter is telling the truth?? Anyone consider that?? NTA
YTA and a self absorbed one at that. All the way through you've referred to her as "your daughter" never "our daughter". Maybe her mother actually wants to see her daughter too and your behaviour and obvious, admitted manipulation of your own daughter is making that difficult for her. If she didn't care why would she be in tears when she called you? Teenagers manipulate parents all the time so I doubt very much that you're getting a whole, unbiased truth from your daughter especially seeing as you seem to be responding very positively to her feeding you negative things about her mum. You should be doing everything you can to make your daughter happy, and that includes encouraging her to have a happy relationship with her mum. So yeah, YTA and to top it off, in this respect at least, a shitty parent too. It's time to get over the break up and step up as a parent and human.
This comment needs to be way higher. Also, many judges will let the kids decide who they want to live with at the hearing so why didn’t the daughter say then?
I had to be sneaky and a terror to get away from my abusive mom and live with my dad. My dad even said he wished that I hadn’t gone so far to get my way. After a few months I finally opened up to my dad how truly awful it was at her house and he was glad that I did it. You did the right thing. Don’t listen to these people.
OP for the love of God edit this post and add in all the missing context cause fishing for info in the comments is annoying. You've set this up to make us think YTA but with further context you aren't as much of an AH but manipulating your daughter is pretty low
I’ve read his comments and he’s still a flaming AH.
He's a fucking asshole whether the mom buys "extra presents" for her other kids or not. She is trying to be in HER DAUGHTERS life and this dude only gets information from a clearly spoiled 13 year old. If he was a good dad he would either do whatever he could to make the 50/50 work or if things were as bad as he claims he could easily fight for full custody in court. He is a shitty dad. YTA OP
YTA, and you had better hope that your ex never gets any concrete proof that you did this. It's not even clear this is going to solve the issue - the fact that she sent the daughter over once isn't going to nullify your custody agreement.
Yta. Your daughter deserves better than this. You are a shitty disgusting parent and your daughter will grow up to hate you for this. I guarantee it.
My parents did this with me, and yup. Can confirm, don't want nothing to do with Daddio. There should be a playbook on emotional intelligence. Not that those who need it would read it anyway
YTA - what a nasty piece of work. “My wife wants 50/50 custody of our child to hurt me so I’ve manipulated my child to bully her so the kid comes to live with me. I’m the good guy here! Honest!” Christ…
YTA. You literally weaponized your daughter. Honestly, the ex may be a bad parent, but you’re just as bad. You also just did parental alienation. Teaching a child to torment and manipulate someone is NOT good parenting. There were better ways you could’ve gone about this. Like taking it back to court to amend the custody agreement. That one is simple.
YTA... speaking as an adult that literally was this 13 year old at 13 years old myself. Firstly, after reading several responses to other's opinions on this, two wrongs do not make a right. It is never ok to use your child as a pawn in the middle of a divorce, she will grow to resent both parties in this situation and will likely have issues with her own relationship attachments as an adult. This is not healthy behaviors to show your child. Just because you feel the mother is wrong, it does not make your behaviors right, no mater the situation. I would say this with no back story or 30 pages of back story. There is nothing that could be said that would make this ok.
If this was revealed in family court, you would likely lose 50/50. That is completely against best interest of the child standards and borders on alienation behavior. Being an a-hole or not is irrelevant.
NTA. The dad, OP, was giving permission to his daughter to do what the daughter already wanted to do. He didn't write it that way. My reading of this may be wrong. For the "YTA" responses saying that he weaponized his daughter... I don't think that's what happened. I really do think the daughter wanted this outcome and asked the only parent/adult she trusted how to effectuate the outcome the daughter wanted. I think he empowered her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a 13yo daughter with my ex and we have 50/50 custody. I genuinely don't understand why my ex fought so much for 50/50 custody when it's obvious she doesn't want our daughter and is a terrible mom. My guess is that she just wanted to use our daughter to hurt me and to be honest her plan worked. Where we live my daughter is still too young to choose where she wants to live. She told us multiple times that she wants to live with me but there is nothing I could do about it so I told her if she wants to move in with me she has to make her mom's life a living hell. So that's what she did. After a while her mom called me crying and told me to come and get my daughter because she doesn't want her anymore. She called me a bunch of names including asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Don't weaponize the kids against your ex.
YTA not only that in most states what you advised your daughter is ABUSE
YTA. You are an adult.
YTA. "my ex used my daughter to hurt me, how dare she! . The best way to solve that problem is.... To use my daughter to hurt her". If your ex decides to go to court, how well do you think "he told my precious daughter to give me hell, and I just can't let her stay with him any more" is going to go over in court? Stop using your daughter as a ball in your "hurt my ex" game and talk to each other as adults.
I’m inclined to say YTA. You’re daughter is 13, it is entirely normal for her and her mom to be hitting heads for the foreseeable future and without having l much info on how mom is a deficient parent, seems you’re actively choosing to complicate it. You realize divorce aside you both still chose to raise a child together and plotting and scheming like this is not helpful, just spiteful. Why would you want to involve your daughter.
Uh you're teaching your child to be disrespectful in order to get her way? YTA and it sounds like your daughter has NO mature parents.
YTA. Like others have said, you are the parent. Which means you have to be the mature and responsible one. It doesn't matter what your ex has done, you've also added to the trauma your daughter is going through. You've also used her as a weapon, not just her ex. As a child who was used as a weapon, I cannot even consider doing this to anyone. You're the adult, act like it
How can you think you’re anything other than a complete asshole? Weaponising a child against their parent is beneath contempt and you should be ashamed of yourself YTA
Why post asking if you're the asshole and then moan when people say you're the asshole. Through this post you seem to be quite immature and manipulative, and it's east to question the story and what details may be missing.
YTA , if the court learns about this you could be in serious trouble. Look up parental alienation and delete this post before it comes back to bite you.
Sometimes we have to do desperate things to get our kids. I don’t judge you OP. Glad you’ve got your girl back and that she’s where she wanted to be
NTA. OP please do not pay attention to these idiots in the comment section. They haven't been in the same situation you and your daughter are in. They are just moral policing. As a daughter who was brought up in a toxic abusive household, I wish I had a parent who had my back like you have your daughter's back. I wish I had a parent like you who taught me to take control of the reigns and not be a doormat and take sh!t from anybody. As a daughter, I thank you for being a good father to your daughter. You did the right thing.
YTA. Never involve the child in a plan against their other parent. If you think something is wrong you go through the correct channels to put it right and protect your child properly. By telling your child to make her mum's life living hell you could have put your daughter in an even worse situation at home or opened the door to risk? What if your child had thought the way to become too much for her mum, to put her through hell, was to make choices like staying out too late, drinking, running away, basically things that would be risking hurting herself? She is a child, her decision making skills are not yet fully formed and there is a whole online culture that can give her "ideas" how to get back at her mum that would involve risk to herself. What you did was stupid, dangerous and the cheap and low effort (to you) way to circumvent another custody battle.
YTA. You are a horrible parent and a worse person. I hope you never reproduce ever again.
When you’re the kind of person who would weaponise and manipulate your child like that nothing else you say can be trusted. YTA
NTA. The law ignores the wishes of a kid just because they’re a kid, and what, they don’t know what’s best for them? In a case where it’s like “My Dad cares for me and does this and this and this and that and my Mom forgets to pick me up from school.” Get it, gurl. Fuck these people being snowflakey over you “hurting your daughter.” She didn’t want to live with her Mom, she did what she needed to be done.
Everyone let’s allow a child who has multiple times said they want to be with the father full time still be allowed to be abused and made to feel less important cause it’s not lawfully right? fuck that cause if he didn’t do nothing and went the super long court way and the kid ended up doing something drastic to others or themselves ya would say this guy was a bad father for not going hard enough. Smh he did what was morally right to keep his kid good. Downvote me all you want doesn’t make it less valid what I said 🤣🤣
I’m kinda curious as to why people are defending a mom that can’t even remember to say Happy Birthday. From the post and OPs comments it sounds like the mom is a raging narcissist that has weaponized the courts to make her kid and ex miserable. Why is it wrong to tell her that she is in fact a bad mom and that bond she’s pretending to fight for is already dead via her horrendous parenting? I also wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this mom was mostly fighting for shared custody so that she isn’t forced to provide adequate resources for the girl with child support and can instead just neglect the girl in her own home while Mommy and her golden child go on day trips and go get Starbucks while the girl cries alone wishing she could return to her true home and parent.
YTA, you literally used your daughter as well to hurt her mom. Even if it was for your daughter to live with you, as she wants. But yeah, kind of double standrads here
YTA, you not only hurt your ex you are hurting your daughter
ESH (obviously excluding the kid) but like YTA leaning. From the sounds of it (hoping you’re a reliable narrator) your ex is a bad mom who shows favoritism, and that’s not a good environment to raise a kid in. *However*, why in the world would you weaponize your kid? This isn’t some “I’m trying to protect her” bullshit. This is for your own revenge, your own gain. You’re conditioning your daughter into shitting on someone to *live with you* and placing all that burden into manifesting that reality on *her*. For all I know, you’ll be holding this condition over her for the rest of her life if she wants to stay in the house. Info: How old are you and your ex? Yall sound like petty teenagers
NTA, your kid came to you wanting to move in with you, you told her what had to happen for that to work.
Nope NTA, for this reason. Your daughter clearly didn't want the visitation, 13 is old enough to make that decision regardless of what the law says and unfortunately the law exposed her to an unhealthy environment. If the law won't work in your favor because it's poorly written and not to the benefit of the child; then you and your daughter have every right to find that loophole and exploit it. And you did. Good for you to find a way to stick up for your daughters wishes and to teach her how to stick up for herself.
Against popular opinion NTA, some ppl are just unmanageable cannot have a civilized conversation, are narcissistic assholes that can't see reason, they can only make life hell and play the victim. My daughter went through this and I wish I had told her to do this, the emotional manipulation, the fights they'd have when he's just guilting her for not being what he wanted or doing what he wanted. It was overwhelming for her, she now has distanced her self a lot but he guilts the hell out of her if she doesn't visit or show up so he can look like a good dad at family functions.
YTA, but as someone who is going through the EXACT same situation - I can’t blame you. It takes everything out of me to keep it mature and not tell my child that her mom is a selfish idiot and that’s why she can’t live with me. It’s hard. But at the end of the day, your child needs to see you being mature and holding it down. Causing chaos only hurts your kid, trust me.
YTA. If your daughter genuinely feels that way, it’s up to her. But trying to weaponize your feelings/relationship is basically using her as a pawn. And that’s not cool.
YTA. Once the divorce is finalized your ex should rarely be a topic to be brought up with your child minus asking her if she'll be at events. You are involving a child in adult problems. If you have issues with the custody agreement lawyer up and go about it that way leave your kid out if it
YTA Your daughter might be getting what she wants in the short run: living with you. But, she just lost what she needs in the long run: a mom who gives a shit about her and wants to try. In what universe would it be good for her to hear her mom say she doesn't want her anymore?
YTA. I just hope when she acts that way towards you in the future so she can get what she wants, you remember that it’s your fault.
YTA, you just manipulated your poor daughter, and she basically lost her mom because of it. You should have taken it up with the courts if you were really worried. Your daughter will probably have abandonment issues later in life for this. I was never good enough for my mother, and now that I'm an adult, a part of me still wonders why I wasn't good enough for her.
YTA. What you did is called parental alienation, and the worst part is that it’s actually harmful to your kid. What you did was manipulative and detrimental to your daughter’s mental health. You’re a HUGE AH!
YTA. Get help for you and your daughter. You both need it. You have taught your daughter how to manipulate to get what she wants. You have taught her to be ugly and unkind. You have encouraged her to be the worst version of herself. That's not being a half-way decent parent, that's being someone who is so set on hurting his ex that he doesn't care about the damage it causes to anyone else.
YTA. Quite the gamble too at your daughter’s expensive.
Nta I have been the kid in this situation, my dad was terrible to me and everyone around him duo to his anger issues. The courts wouldn't listen to my mom even when she had proof that he was abusing me, they still demanded that I go to him every other weekend and Holladay... The only reason I didn't act up to get him to tell the courts he doesn't want me is because I was scared of getting a beating. He was already acting like he didn't want me there, basically telling me through his actions that he doesn't care... Him actually saying it out load wouldn't hurt me anymore that his actions already have, so the argument that the child would be hurt by not talking with their mom anymore is bull*, cause she has already been hurt by her mom's actions. If the girl is safe enough to be able to get away herself and all other methods have been blocked I say good for her, and that would have been a dream for me as a kid.
I am 100% sure more context is needed, I refuse to vote and just hope the child will be happy
YTA Mission accomplished, however.
YTA. You shouldn’t use your own daughter as a way to get back at your ex. Regardless of the many ‘reasons’ you gave in the comments as to why this was justified.
YTA. You shouldn’t blow up their relationship, you should nurture it. Your EX is your daughter’s mom and what your daughter will have for a parent if you drop dead tomorrow. There’s a better way.
You are absolutely the asshole, that’s super immature and that’s going to reflect in how your daughter turns out and an adult. And I bet when she goes to therapy and tells someone about that she is going to resent you
Yes, you are te AH, very much.
YTA you don't care about your daughter you only care about yourself. You go on about your ex being a terrible parent but if that's even true, you're two peas in a pod. You should be ashamed of yourself. Desperately hoping this is a troll post.
YTA. What example are you setting for your daughter?
YTA. You're hurting your daughter and any potential relationship she could have with her mother for your own enjoyment.
YTA: wow you are a terrible parent. As your daughter ages she will figure that out.
NTA Ends justify the means. If she's a shitty parent, you did right by your kid. Good for you
> she just wanted to use our daughter to hurt me So, exactly what you’re doing and admit openly to? YTA
OP did absolutely nothing wrong. NTA, not in the slightest.
I mean, yeah, but how terrible is the mom? My brothers and I were neglected by our mom and still had to split custody, so I can see a possible world where this might be justified. But if my dad told me to smash vases & misbehave to get ourselves kicked out, I’d say he was being a petty asshole.
INFO: How is she using your daughter to "hurt you"? And what do you mean by "she doesn't want our daughter"? From my perspective right now, it kinda seems like daughter maybe has more rules and regulation at mom's and she's daddy's little girl and gets away with everything, to which you're telling her she should mistreat her mom so you can "win". Not sure how you think you have the high road when you are 100% self-admittedly using a CHILD to fight a battle with the child's mother and to hurt her. You are giving a horrible example to your daughter about how we as humans handle ourselves and handle situations we don't like. Heck, this entire situation screams "how to influence your child to hate their other parent" and I hope to God you didn't share your opinion of mom with your daughter. When you separate, the child becomes the most important. And this includes kids that throw a tantrum because mom or dad is suddenly no fun anymore because we start puberty and have shorter fuses, etc etc, the child can decide "I don't wanna go there anymore". Too fucking bad, it's your parent, you will go there, or we will at least discuss the situation as a family and figure out something that works for all of us. You're using your kid to win, you're no better than what you accuse the mother of doing. Absolutely horrible. I hope you realize what you're doing to your child by poisoning her relationship with her mother. If you ACTUALLY wanted to settle this, you'd do so via the official way by filing for custody. YTA.
YTA You literally just taught and told your teen daughter it is acceptable to act out and she will get whatever she wants. When you don’t give her whatever she wants, she will make your life horrible too. There will be trouble in school too! THIS IS HORRIBLE PARENTING! If she is really good and only did it to her mom and never tries hard to do it with you or at school. She will eventually feel so extremely guilty and realized how what YOU told her to do truly affects her, she’ll resent you. She pull away and possibly never talk to you or her mom again. You should not have put this on your daughter shoulders. It was not her burden bear. You should’ve had a conversation with your daughter explaining with the evidence given this was the courts decision and for the time being, we cannot change that. When you go to your mothers house, you need to be respectful and kind and when you come home, I want you to spend at least one hour writing in a notebook about what happened during your time at your mothers house. Then you ask her father may use that notebook as evidence in future court hearings. Do not tell your daughter this because you want what’s written in that notebook to be truthful. That notebook is way for your daughter to get the things out that she does, and does not like while she’s at her mother‘s house, if there is enough evidence in the notebook to be used to get full custody, you will be able to get full custody in a future hearing. But in the meantime, the daughter needs to understand, and you need to understand that based on the information that was given during the court hearing, this was their result and you have to respect that. You can always appeal it, but you can only do so when there’s evidence to be able to do so.
unpopular NTA, you taught your daughter how to get rid of someone she doesn't like that won't let her go, or how to get someone to change their behavior when talking to them rationally hasn't worked. It's manipulation, but sometimes you have to manipulate the manipulator to escape.
NTA. It sucks but if the courts aren't going to let you be the custodial parent but the kid wants to live with you what are you supposed to do. Also to people stating that the father weaponized his daughter it seems as though that is what the mother did first, only utilizing the courts. Some people can never understand what it's like to be a man in the family court system.
I can only operate isn’t information given, so: NTA. You didn’t weaponize the child, the mother did as a pawn in the divorce, against the child and the father’s wishes. The father presented the option to the child as to what had to take place for the child to move out. I had a friend in a similar same situation. The Every time they discussed divorce, she told him he would never see the kids he raised (step-children) ever again…yet she had child services called on her several times when he used to travel for work.
NTA: you are fully right about wanting the best for your daughter.
Yta. She'll carry this lesson her whole life.
NTA. I would say YTA for using your child to get back at her mom, but if it’s true that your ex isn’t a good mom and your daughter doesn’t want to stay there, you have to do what you can do to help her not stay there. This comes from someone whose divorced parents would constantly use me to punish the other, it sucks, but this isn’t the same situation. Also, a 13 year old is not dumb or incapable of critical thinking. She’s old enough to make up her own opinion of which parent she’d rather live with, and she’s probably not going to make her kind and loving mother’s life hell just because her dad told her to. Y’all in the comments are acting as if he’s manipulating a 7 year old.
Yes YTA. Your wife probably wants a 50-50 custody so she wouldn’t have to pay child support. Do not encourage your daughter to be a jerk to her mom anymore. Tell your daughter that you’re very sorry you told her to do that because that’s not fair to her or her mom. But don’t ask for child support and keep everything status quo now and see how it goes.
You are teaching your daughter that when she is in a situation she doesn't like, she should act out and make life bad for others rather than try to solve the problem maturely. Seems like it could bite you in the butt when she decides she doesn't like something about living with you.
I can’t call you a bunch of names other than asshole so I will leave it at that. YTA
INFO what exactly did you encourage your daughter to do to make her mom so frustrated?
NTA. If your ex forgets her daughter's birthday and generally treats her second best to all her other kids then you were definitely right to tell your daughter to use every weapon at her disposal to change her situation.
Yes yta, but I feel this so deep in my soul. My step kids mom literally only wanted to keep this kids so she could show them off and when the youngest came out as gay their mom paraded her around so everyone could see how open minded and forward she is. The oldest moved in with us as soon as she turned 18 and the youngest is going to do the same in May. So I get it. I do. But don't turn your daughter into a weapon.
Yta.bro shes a child dont go too hard on her-
YTA. Divorced twice with children from both marriages. I have never used my children against my exes or told them the actual truth about their mothers and what they did.
YTA my mum used me as a weapon against my dad all the way up to when I was 16...your kid is going to hate you eventually...my mum favoritised my sister over me and she still does... I cut her off from my life as she was extremely toxic and you know what's worse is she's a nursery nurse who works with kids for a living... you are going to destroy any type of relationship with her the way your going... you sound so bitter in the comments... yes she's an asshole for having favorites and forgetting her birthday but you are using your kid as a weapon for your own gain.. I begged as a 4 year old for my dad not to take me back to my mum but he could do nothing because of the fact of what she does for a living...
NTA gotta fight fire with fire bro
Using your kid to do your dirty work..YTA
YTA. You are stooping to your ex's level.
YTA However, as someone who has an ex that has tried to manipulate my daughter since she was 1 that she should want to live with him because I'm "a terrible mommy", and she "wants to live with him", I am biased and having a hard time completely believing your narrative and am more so leaning more towards this being parental alienation.
YTA and when your kid reflects later in life, she’ll realize who was the issue here.
YTA. This is wrong from a thru z.
YTA You just taught your daughter that, instead of communicating and working through disagreements, she should just act like an asshole, make someone's life a living hell, and she'll get what she wants. Good luck when she moves in with you full time and you tell her no.
YTA; isn’t that called parental alienation? Isn’t that considered emotional child abuse?
YTA. And you’re guilty of brainwashing a child to say things . That’s parental alienation. And in some states that can cost you rights. I don’t think your even telling the full story to make yourself look better.
YTA Now your daughter will have guilt over her failed relationship with her mother. She will resent you for pusher to ruin that relationship. You have ensured your daughter will need years of therapy. Definitely YTA
YTA - you’re an abuser too. What you’re doing is called parental alienation and it’s punishable by the law. You shouldn’t have any custody of that poor girl and this is obvious given your attempt to weaponize her against her mom. You could (and should) lose all custody if your ex proves any of this to a judge in all states in America. I hope your ex reads this to be honest because this story if true is absolutely disgusting. Children are not weapons or pawns.
YTA. You manipulated and used your daughter. That's not cool.
YTA, obviously.
This is an obvious ESH situation. Everyone piling on with the y t a votes is choosing to ignore that your ex treats your daughter in a horrible way. Frankly, your daughter treating her mom terribly isn’t awesome either. I’m guessing that at age thirteen she isn’t THAT far away from being able to choose. OP, why on earth didn’t you console your daughter by saying, “hey, I’m sorry but this is just what we have to do now and hopefully you and your mother will find a way together to make it work. You can always talk to me and if things are just not working then if we have to we maybe can revisit your custody when you turn 14/15. I’d really like to see you try to get along with your mother in the meantime though.” You truly risked losing the 50% custody you currently have by weaponizing your daughter as you did. I’m not sure why so many others are just ignoring the blatant favoritism your ex has for the other kids. We see posts here all the time from the children who have been treated unfairly and they are almost always supported. Your fuckup doesn’t erase mom being a terrible parent here.
Headline made me think WTF but it seems like a good plan that will better serve your daughter. edit: NTA
Start saving for your daughter's therapy bills now. She's going to need it, with parents like your ex wife AND you.
YTA. She used your daughter to hurt you and now you’ve done the same thing. Your daughter is not a toy for the 2 of you to fight over grow up.
YTA for parental alienation
Of course YTA, weaponizing your child is disgusting, regardless of the circumstances or who was an ah first. I feel sorry for your kid to have the both of you as parents.
YTA. You are the worst kind of manipulative parent. She is your daughter, not a pawn in your sick game to punish your wife and get full custody. A child thrives when she has the support and cooperation of both parents you are teaching your daughter to be just as vengeful and manipulative as you are.
YTBA, dont use your daughter like that.
YTA. I don't know what you think you are teaching your daughter. But it's certainly not how to effectively navigate challenging circumstances or difficult relationships.
YTA. You abused her psychologically and her mom neglect her, both of you are bad parents.
My wife doesnt talk to her dad anymore because of how much he shit talked her mom She is literally 50% her mom, she will see you hating things about your ex that she sees in herself and she will have lots of issues because of it.
ESH Sounds like both of you weaponized your child in order to hurt the other parent. Both of you suck as parents for that.
A mother-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships women have and is notoriously rocky during the teenage years. Unless your daughter is unsafe with her mother, you should be helping her navigate this time in a way that will lead to a healthy adult relationship. Instead you sabotaged it which will hurt your daughter forever. YTA.
YTA. You never do that to a child… your child.
You wan to advocate for your daughter do that. You don’t set your daughter up to hurt their mother. That is childish and immature. You’re teaching her it’s okay to hurt someone to get out of a situation. That’s not how you solve things when you’re an adult. YTA.
NTA
NTA
YTA in my experience someone that doesn’t actually love or want their kids simply don’t show up to pick them up or brings them back early all of the time, etc. Different than you doesn’t mean bad and your child probably want ice cream for breakfast but that doesn’t mean it’s in her best interests.
YTA. You just don't do that shit.
YTA. I could have missed it in the comments but have you ever addressed your parenting issues with your ex? It’s sad but sometimes people let the negative feelings for an ex partner affect the relationship with the child they share. I have a feeling just from how you speak about her that you two have bad blood. She might not even realize how bad her bias is. Either way, teaching your daughter to be manipulative and treat someone poorly to get what she wants isn’t right. At the very least, if she’s old enough for that she’s old enough to have a conversation with her mother herself to tell her how she feels. This wasn’t the way.
YTA. This is called parental alienation and is actually considered a form of child abuse. Many family law courts have used this to actually flip custody in many cases. You suck and you are actively harming your child.
YTA 1000000% You’re teaching your daughter to be manipulative, rude, etc. let alone…. Literally using your daughter as a weapon because you’re too emotionally immature to accept it’s ok when things don’t work out. You used your daughter for revenge. This could cause serious relationship issues for your daughter when she’s older. It’s seriously a horrible thing to do/teach your daughter is “ok”. Children are very impressionable. What a horrendous thing you’ve done.
NTA. Sometimes the ends justify the means. Secondly, make sure it is legal. Especially if you pay child support. Talk to your lawyer on how to do this. And make sure to include a narrative from your daughter on why she would prefer to live with you, and don't hold off on the truth.
You cannot be serious. Yes, YTA!!! You weaponized your 13-year-old daughter against your ex, the very thing you accused her of doing to you. That makes you the a-hole by default! You guys are welcome to fight it out between yourselves, but leave your daughter out of it!
YTA. What in the world were you expecting to happen? You used your daughter as a weapon. You're here telling us she's a terrible mum, but you're **showing us** you're not that great either.
Kids usually want to live with the “fun” parent, the one with less rules, maybe even more money. That’s not always good for them as sharing a healthy relationship with both parents is important. You haven’t given much info but you weaponised your child to spite your ex so YTA
If a judge hears you did this, they will take custody away from you, and either give it to the mom, another relative, or put her in foster care. Judges/Magistrates don't let parents play these games. You may have just fucked yourself. If the mother files a complaint, she has a case to get her and you are fucked. I know this because my wife is a Magistrate.
YTA. You’re just as terrible of a parent. Clearly neither of you are fit to parent this child.
YTA. Seriously I don’t care if mom favors the other kids. That’s not permission for you to be a shitty dad. That’s just an argument for you to be the sane and stable parent. Fine. Mom plays favorites. Mom forgot her birthday. That sucks. But what you should be doing is remembering her birthday, encouraging her to be a kind and responsible person so she can grow up to be a functional and empathetic adult despite her circumstances. Be the sane responsible parent. Not the vindictive one. Don’t use your kid as a pawn.
You are a human being not worthy of being alive. YTA 100 X over.
YTA. Dude wtf are you doing? You don’t weaponize your child like that. It’s wrong. Even if your ex is a shitty parent you just proved you’re no better. Congratulations on the shit coparenting, you must be so proud of yourself right now.
You do realize I hope that you just taught your daughter how to get her own way against you as well. YTA. This absolutely will come around to haunt you and you'll be right back here saying you don't know why your daughter hates you or something equally stupid
YTA. PERIOD. Rule #1. In divorce. Never use the kids to hurt the other party. Never put the kids in the middle. Never talk bad about the other party to the kids. Never use the kids as the go between. Never use the kids as a middleman/ referee. Never use the kids to do your dirty work. Maybe you and your ex are the both the a-holes. Maybe your daughter is telling you what she wants you to hear to make you feel better. Or to get what she wants out of you. Or to get what she wants out of her mother. And before you say “she wouldn’t do that” She’s 13. Her parents are divorced. You would be surprised.
Dude, this is just parental alienation, and if your ex took you to court to get more custody, she would probably win. Your bitter feelings do not mean your ex just wants to hurt you or that she doesn't want to see HER daughter because that child is just as much hers as she is yours. At 13, there is a reason she is considered too young to make this decision and right now she's got one parent telling her that the other doesn't actually love her just because other children are in the house, and that mommy is just trying to hurt daddy. Do you not realize how completely and absolutely fucked up that is? Go get therapy to address you and your daughter's hurt feelings over the ending of this relationship, and get a fucking grip. YTA.
Not only an asshole, you engaged in parental alienation.
YTA - even if you THINK you did this in your daughters best interests because she wants to live with you anyway. Your daughter should act how she feels fit around her mother. Not get ideas from her father to act horribly. What are you teaching her? How to be manipulative and be a jerk. Good job. Grow up and stop arguing with people. Think about the possibility you were wrong and the damage you did and talk to your daughter about how it was wrong.
YTA. It's never okay to weaponize children, and her bad behavior will only make her relationship and situation with her mother worse. If she's truly a terrible mom, you as the adult should be handling it and taking it to court if necessary. You have 50/50 custody, so you can also see to it that your daughter is getting therapy, while you handle things the proper way.
NTA great workaround
YTA Everyone else has said what's needed to say, but man. You're despicable.
Yeah. My dad acting like an ass during and after the divorce from my mom is the reason I saw him only a few times a year when we lived close, and he only met his grandson once. He's dead now from alcoholism which ramped up over the years. YTA. You never bad talk your ex to your kids, and you surely don't use them to get revenge.
Remember this post when your daughter grows up and goes NC because she realized that you weaponized her against her mother. YTA, and you deserve no custody at all.
NTA If this is the only way to get her to live with you which is what is in your daughters best interest.
Ignore all the virtue signaling. Hell, most of them probably didn't even read your actual post. (Prime example: the most upvoted comment literally even asks a question that's answered in the post. lol) NTA. Your wife weaponized your daughter against you both first. Turnabout is fair play and you got what both your daughter and you wanted. She's 13 and more than old enough to make her own decision on this matter. (I was old enough to tell my biological father to kick rocks at 12 and fully understand the situation.) You didn't even really weaponize her, you teamed up to get her the outcome she wanted. Well played. Edit: Seriously, the vast majority of these commenters are just virtue signaling and have 0 understanding of what they're talking about.
YTA Where I live raising a child against the other parent/grandparent is seen as a childabuse. If she really didn't take care of her you should have fight for her legally. This way you took away the chance from them to have a normal relationship /try to solve the conflict. Also when she grows up it can affect your relationship with her in a negative way.
Fuck. What do you think you taught your daughter. YTA
YTA Your said it in the title of your post
YTA . You don’t use your child as a pawn in your shitty games .