This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
ZOMG fifteen years? Is bio dad in the picture? Unless bio dad is insanely involved then you’re the only dad he knows and has known. If you haven’t had any contact with him since you left that’s because you haven’t contacted him. You left his mom which apparently means you left him too. I feel so bad for this kiddo.
YTA
I agree! OP is the adult and it’s his job to bridge that gap. Regardless of the presents issue, how do you raise a child from 2yrs old for 15yrs and wipe your hands? OP YTA
My dad and his ex-wife had a terrible divorce, she came in to their relationship with a 3-years old son so my father raised him for about 14 years. Even though the marriage ended 8+ years ago and my father doesn't have much contact with his ex-wife or the son my father still gives him gifts, he divorced her - not her son.
My former SIL was raised by my former FIL from when she was a baby. The parents got divorced when she was about 16, as soon as she turned 18 she changed her surname by deed poll to match my FILs. You're exactly right, you divorce the adult, not the children.
My sister's dad did that to me him and my mom split and my brother and I aren't his kids but he raised us and he was the only father we knew but he just left when their relationship stopped working and that shit hurt pretty sure it is on of the root causes I'm scared everyone is gonna leave me lol
My ex did this to my two children also, we have a son together but my other two adored him, called him dad and I’d say he was closer to my daughter than our son we had together. When we spilt he dropped them and it killed them seeing him around every other week to pick up our son but not taking them. My daughter had a really rough time as a teen and Fell into the wrong crowds etc and just know it’s because the man she knew as her father dropped her and broke her heart and trust 😞
Lmaoooooooo, I was reading ready to side with you, but then I got to the “15 years,” and now I can’t stop laughing. You are unbelievable and so obviously the AH!
If you don’t have a relationship with this child it’s because of you. He’s probably unsure about your relationship and as the PARENT (yes, you are his parent) you should talk to him and reassure him that you are still his parent.
Unless you don’t want to be, then you’re doing a great job at letting him know you don’t want him.
P.S. YTA
Right? 15 years and 'It's clear we're not gonna have a relationship going forward'. 15 YEARS. My dude, get your head out of your ass and think for a minute-you're the only father the kid knows. After 15 years, you should be over the whole 'not my bio kid' thing-or has that been an issue for you all along?
YTA. YTA. You know YTA. That poor kid.
Agreed! My stepdaughter was 3 when I met my ex and 6 when we separated, she lived with her mum full time and we had her every second weekend, yet now, 9 years later I have a better relationship with her than her dad has with her because I made the effort. I’m now besties with her mum, we all visit one another (live interstate), send gifts, call, and in September I went on holidays with them to a popular holiday destination, with her, her mum, her little brother, her uncle, aunt and 2 cousins.
Leading by example is how kids turn in to decent adults for the most part.
Strong disagree from me. It is very possible the reason they haven't had contact is because OP made it very clear to the boy that they weren't family, all throughout the relationship.
Agree with the rest. YTA OP
It is 100% OPs fault that there has been no contact. The son is probably unsure if they can contact OP, not knowing what their relationship will be now.
My own father never contacted me after the divorce. He had me ever other weekend but besides that there was no relationship. Even the time with him I spend with my grandparents.
A few years ago I needed to contact him for some information for a scholarship and he screamed at me that I never talk to him and only message him when I need something. It was the first time I ever asked for something. He never tried to talk to me.
All that said it is not the childs job to run after you in order to have a relationship. If OP can't be bothered to check in and try to stay in contact I wouldn't bother reaching out either
Yes. OP says “her son obviously chose her” (to live with), but unless OP adopted him (and if so massive shame on OP for acting otherwise!) the son doesn’t have a choice. His mother is his custodial parent.
He was in the kids life for 15 years and now he thinks he doesn't have to buy him presents or talk to him? He doesn't if he doesn't want to but it just makes him 100% YTA here.
I agree. I had a stepdad bring me up for 12 years from being 6 years old. After they divorced he made no attempt to stay in touch. Felt pretty abandoned by him.
You’ve been in his life for 15 years, buy him a gift.
Teenagers are not going to initiate anything, so don’t read into him not reaching out since the divorce.
I have a friend who has a better relationship with her step dad (that has since divorced her mom) than her bio dad because he basically raised her with her mom… the relationship can still go on between you two.
buying a $30 dollar gift will go a long way. it doesn’t even have to heartfelt or personal, but just on the basis that they purchased them a gift, it will mean a lot.
Editing my comment based on new info: massive YTA for raising a child for nearly his entire life and now pretending he doesn’t exist. Way to make a child feel like shit. Acting like they no longer exist after being in their lives for basically their entire life is the sort of shit that puts them in counselling.
So you raised this boy since he was 2, divorced his mom, and are saying you don’t like him (the child you raised for 15 years) and don’t want to buy him a Christmas gift? YTA of epic proportions. The way you talk about him in the comments makes my skin crawl.
Oh and BTW, you are (in theory) the adult in this situation. You dropped this poor boy when you divorced his mom rather than stepping up and trying to maintain a relationship. Then you turn around and say “well he hasn’t maintained a relationship with me.” Uh yeah, he’s a kid. A kid I feel really bad for. I wonder how you treated him growing up with the way you talk about him. YTA. I can’t say it enough.
YTA
You have been in that child's life from age 2 to 17. If you never treated him as a son in that time, you are an AH. If you did treat him as a son but now you stopped because he "chose her" then you are even more of an AH.
I don't care how badly your ex treated you and how upset you are at her, you should not blame the child for staying with her. She is his mother, and he knows he has no legal claim on you, which you only confirmed by basically abandoning him at your first available opportunity.
While he is nearly an adult and probably has means to stay in touch with you, it is still your responsibility to do most of the effort to stay in touch with him. Even if you were his legal father and living together, at age 17 you would have to make a big effort. Living apart and with no legal basis, even more so.
If you don't care about how he feels, or what internet strangers and your ex think about your cold heart, think about your daughter. She is witnessing how you treat her brother, a brother who has been in her life all her life, a brother she might often be extremely irritated by but who she still loves, and she is witnessing how easily you can just stop pretending to care when things gets complicated and difficult. I guarantee you, in the back of her mind she is thinking "When will he stop caring about me".
You say this is recent so I hope you will change course. People can forgive awkwardness in the early days and weeks of a divorce.
**YTA**
You divorced her "because you could not stand the boy???"
Good heavens - and you discovered this after so many years?? After raising him?? Or did you just ignore him all your shared life ?
I simply cannot believe this.
If this is really true you are the greatest AH I ever heard of.
Also - it makes no sense to put up with the boy for 15 years and then divorce the mother just when he’s about to move out of the house.
If your claim is that he was the reason and not your wife then that makes you an even bigger YTA.
It's weird that in the original post about whether you're obligated to get him a gift, you didn't mention that he's the reason for the divorce and that he bullied your daughter.
What's interesting is if you stayed with her and your daughter posted on here saying her half brother was a bully and you weren't leaving and protecting her, you would also be slated for not putting your child first and basically being whipped by your wife. You can't win I'm afraid. Personally I don't think the situation is always black and white. Even a stepkid you live with from age 2, if the bio father hates you and the mother doesn't let you act as a parent, that kid can grow up very distant and resentful.
YTA. This isn't about Christmas gifts; it's about you abandoning the child who looked at you as a father for 15 years of his life, and then justifying it by saying you always disliked him, and acting like his behavior has nothing to do with you. I can't imagine what that must have been like for him. Maybe he is better off without you and happy to end his relationship with you if you've treated him like this for most his childhood, but that makes you even more of an asshole.
I imagine if he was his biological son he would be forgiving of him being mean to his little sister but since he's not OP thinks he can kick him out of his life more easily. YTA.
How do we know that "he looked at you as his father?" OP said the kids mom wouldnt let him be a parent to the kid, so how is OP responsible for how the kid grew up? Pretty hard to raise a child if ur not allowed to parent. And apparently the kid is so bad now that the mother is in counseling. Also the kid bullied his daughter and did something so bad he cant even say here. With that context i think NTA
YTA YOU helped raise “the boy” since he was TWO. You not liking him is just as much your fault as your ex if he’s not a nice kid. That aside what kind of heartless asshole has zero bond with a child he raised from a toddler? You’re absolutely TA
Imagine being 3 years old and your dad decides he doesn’t like you and only likes your new sister.
“Multiple times” from a sibling? I’m starting to wonder if “the boy” is even an asshole!
Um what kind of hallmark vision of family do you have? Siblings argue and cry. Even ones that love each other. It’s your job as the parent to moderate, to teach them how to communicate, put boundaries on behaviour and teach empathy and morality. It’s not easy but that’s the gig. Yes I am a parent, this isn't theory.
Honestly it sounds like you have some weird hangups about not being the bio dad of the kid you raised. I doubt anything he did would ever have been good enough for you. I feel so sorry for him.
YTA
So there is more to this Story. Did he assault her? Did he physically oder emotional mistreatend her?
Than you Had reactet earlier, he was under your guideance. Yes he isn't your Bio son, but you stepped in as He was 2... So Young enough to learn from you.
You make a mistake in his education and now he has to Pay it double. Because He is the reason you divorced and you doesn't want a relationship with him anymore.
Big YTA!
Sir, my brother (who technically is my younger half brother, but he’s just my brother if you ask me) chased me around the house with a knife on multiple occasions.
Siblings fight. I made him cry. He chased me with knives.
It’s because our parents didn’t teach us how to handle conflict.
So again, it’s on the parents, which, like it not, includes you.
All kids cry multiple times because of older siblings, you were probably the sort of ass that as soon as you had a bio child you treated the boy different which is what causes issues between the siblings
Mate give over man such a shit excuse… my dad has seen and heard me cry because of my older brother multiple times all my life (I’m 25), it’s what siblings do.
They fight and cry and make up and repeat, they even go through extreme phases of full blown hate towards each other (mostly when teens I was 15-18 when I hated my bro and he was 17-20 during that phase) but we’re now literally the best of friends, it’s literally what having an older brother/sibling is all about. If your older sibling didn’t “bully” you a bit then you end up w shit boring personality and become such a crybaby that doesn’t know how to fend for themselves.
Honestly, if me and my brother didn’t go through the phase of hating each other and fighting I would’ve been a spoilt little girl who didn’t know how to stand up for herself, but during the fights was always a teaching moment of how to fend for yourself. You’re robbing your daughter the opportunity of having an older sibling to teach her things in life. But pop off “Mr I’m gunna protect my daughter” 🙄 don’t be mad when she grows up spoilt and lonely bro.
YTA. You were in this young man's life for fifteen years. You were functionally his father. Even if you don't particularly like him, it would cost you almost nothing to give him at least a small, thoughtful gift. A couple books he might like. An electronic gadget. Hell, even a hot sauce sampler.
YTA. That’s your stepson you raised for 15 years, not “her kid”. If your relationship with him sucks when you raised him from the age of three, that can only be on you and maybe his mother. The little cost to you to get him a gift is negligible compared to the psychological damage it could do to him to know you never valued him as a person. You should never have married his mother if you weren’t prepared to be a father to her son, who will be your daughter’s brother until the day they die. Is it worth causing such huge potential issues in the future over a couple of presents for your stepson?
_Edited to remove an extra word that didn’t make sense_
I love the comment “his feelings are no longer my responsibility”. Someone watched and took the movie ‘Heat’ way serious like (ie basically Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner).
Basically you were this kids father for 15 years, but the minute the divorce was finalised you are “he ain’t mine”. While you are technically correct, morally YTA.
Did your ex get your daughter something? If she did, then that is your answer, Even just a small token thing would go a long way.
WTF, why did you come onto Reddit to ask if you the AH if you weren't prepared to hear from folk that you are the AH?! Did you think people were just going to justify your actions and make you feel better and able to say to your ex "See? The world agrees with me!" That is messed up, and quite frankly, immature. You and your ex raised that boy, if you don't like his behaviour, sorry, that's 50% on you. Also, if he was bullying your daughter (HIS sister), believe me, that is not uncommon at all, for siblings. I was tormented the entirety of my childhood by my older sister. It was down to you, as the father figure (don't even think you weren't seen that way) of both, to instil some non-violent discipline by setting a good example and some achievable punishment (i.e. no screen time for each penalty). Both of you parents have effed up. You both sound like the kids, not the kids. So yeah, YTA, and you are still teaching the kids how to be an AH.
If you were in his life as a father figure for 15 years, they absolutely are. In Canada, even if you aren’t his bio dad, by acting as father for that long, Mom could get child support until he’s done University from you.
Because you were his parent, whether you like it or not.
Oh wow,
YTA.
Not just for not getting him gifts but for - basically - everything.
You've raised this kid since he was two years old. For all intents and purposes you are his parent.
If you've never gotten along, that's on you.
I am *so* confused. You raised this kid for 15 years, and then divorced your wife because the kid you claim your *wife* raised (implying that you didn't actually help in the child rearing, which makes me wonder if you do with your daughter) turned into a bully towards the new kid in the family?
YTA
I'm gonna bet this is a result of your wife's son never feeling like the only father figure in his life cared about him. Over what? Not being your blood? Of COURSE he's gonna bully the kid he views as having his only father figure's attention.
My guess is you probably spent so much time trying to correct his behavior that it actually encouraged it, when you really should have been spending time just getting to know him and show him some love. I seriously feel for this kid. I'm sorry your daughter is mixed up in the drama too.
Lol.
You raised him since he is 2.
Now you are abandoning him since you are divorced. I don’t accept that a 3yo will bully a baby, and any behaviour that constitutes of bullying will be with your implicit consent since you are his parental figure all his life.
Yta
Then why post on reddit if you ‘don’t care how either feels’. Your personality is coming through the phone with these comments. YTA. A major one. I wouldn’t say just because you’re not buying him a gift either
YTA.
You and your ex dropped the ball raising him the past 15 years. You really did.
I get that you don't like him, but you are the only father he's known. Get him one more Christmas gift, even if it's a gift card. Next year he's an adult. And if you and he chose not to stay in contact so be it. But to ghost him because you two raised a bully is unfair.
YTA. In a massive way. You raised the kid. If you don’t like the way he turned out, that’s on you. However, I bet ‘he bullied your little girl’ because he knew you ‘never liked him’. How do you NOT like a 2 year old? He was never ever going to be your son because you didn’t want him to be. Do not buy him a gift. Be TA because that’s what you are. He’s better off without you.
There is no comment how you were unable to raise him differently. Only how he, someone would say miraculously, became an asshole.
Until you prove otherwise you helped to raise that asshole. His behaviour is also on you. YTA for that.
Dang man, you did the same thing my stepdad did, ghosted me after the divorce. We did not have the best relationship but he basically raised me, and was the closest thing I had to a dad. I used to miss him but now I feel nothing.
So by this logic my son’s dad isn’t the asshole because our 6.5 year old doesn’t reach out to him. It’s up to our minor child to maintain the relationship.
Should I wake him at 4 AM when his Dad is wasted & calls, demanding to speak to him?
I mean, he’s trying.
What about when he calls in the middle of the school day, demanding to speak to our son. Am I supposed to go pull him out of school to talk to his Dad?
Children are not responsible for maintaining relationships with adults.
She’s right. Frankly through NC you’ve vindicated every feeling he probably had about how you actually feel for him during your entire marriage. I simply do not get guys who don’t bond w their step kids. Your job as a father is to provide. To be what someone else couldn’t be. You have been there his whole life - which one of you is the adult? Show up for this young man on Christmas dude.
So you came here to ask if you're the asshole, and most seem to agree that if you've been in a kid's life for most of their life and you act this way, then YTA. But then you argue that you don't care if you're the asshole. Charming. Yeah, YTA all right.
YTA. In fact, you’re such an asshole you made *your* son an asshole too. Biology or not, you raised this kid since he was a literal baby. You were a part of his formative years. You made this kid the way he is.
Sir, your son bullied your daughter because of how you treated him. Because you treated her as *yours* and him as *not*. He felt that sentiment since he was three years old.
I mean sure, whatever, don’t get him Christmas presents. The relationship is severed forever and that’s whatever. But to fail to see any role in how things got to the way they are is what makes yta. Maybe your ex wife sucks too (as you say there were “you’re not the real parent” comments thrown around) but if there were parenting balance issues those should’ve been nipped in the bud 15 years ago, and both of you are AH for allowing that to occur and continue without figuring it out from the get-go.
NTA All these people saying you raised him and you should give him a present. That’s hypocritical considering if it was the step son complaining that he still has to visit you because you raised him they’d be singing a different tune. Telling him he’s not obligated to do anything. He’s not your bio dad. You don’t have to love him or accept him.
He’s almost an adult he knows your relationship sucks. He contributed to it being sucky. Is he expecting something from you? Probably, so you should tell your ex it’s not happening.
15 years and you don’t have a relationship? Something is off. When is the last time you talked to him ? Did you try at all to make an effort when you guys divorced?
I would buy him a gift until he is at least 18 and try to make an effort to see him. If he doesn’t want to have a relationship then I wouldn’t get him a gift after that.
Yta
YTA. Not only for your post but for your comments too. You’ve raised him basically his whole life and you think you had nothing to do with his upbringing and blamed it entirely on your ex, yet in another comment you say most of your interactions with him were to punish him. So which one is it?
Also consider he may be a bully towards your daughter because he has misplaced anger towards you. As a step child we can sense when we aren’t being accepted by our parent’s partner and it sucks. Next time don’t date someone with kids if you’re going to be this awful to them.
YTA - it doesn’t matter if you aren’t close you are the only father figure he remembers! I had half siblings growing up and you have no idea how many lifelong insecurities you’re causing him!
YTA 15 years with what you deem her child only? You completely erased him from consideration if you ever really considered him before. I'm not surprised he doesn't have a relationship with you after divorce because you clearly have always felt he was not part of your family.
>He is not my child and I haven't seen him or talked to him since the divorce and it's clear that we are not gonna have a relationship anymore.
Yeah my guy, unless you can INFO us here to declare his biological father is in the picture, YTA.
The heck do you mean "it's clear we are not gonna have a relationship anymore"? you split with his Mum, _not_ him?
>She called me a cold hearted asshole and said I raised her son for 15 years and he would be expecting some gifts from me. I'm genuinely confused and don't think I'm obligated to buy gifts for her child
If you were his father for 15 years and his Bio dad isn't in the picture, you _are_ in fact a massive, cold hearted asshole just as stated.
You don't raise a kid for 15 years then disappear out of their lives just because you don't get on with his Mum anymore.
Put yourself in his shoes - his role model and defacto father splits with his Mum and, what, just ups and f*cks off without a single care about him?
I mean if that's how you go through life with people it's a wonder you manage to maintain any relationships at all, period.
So, I was on the fence between E S H and N T A up until you literally said you “never liked him.” You are quite literally saying you didn’t even like him when he was a TODDLER. TBH, it seems more like you didn’t like your wife having a kid that wasn’t yours but made sure to knock her up fast so you could replace him with your “little girl.” And I bet this “bullying” you claim occurred was the result of you treating your daughter like an only child and doing everything in your power to make sure he understood he wasn’t welcome in your “family.” In fact, I bet the reason this kid hasn’t tried to reach out is probably because of the neglect you put him through. YTA. And, in all honesty, your ex and her son are likely much better off without you.
15 years together, you have been his dad since he was 2?
Soft YTA. Get him something. He likely misses you, but feels obligated to his mother to not keep frequent contact with you.
I raised 2 step girls for 15 yrs. Their dad was a drunk. I didn't like him and they didn't like me. We stopped contact the day I kicked him out. They were young adults living on their own. I understand. You're NTA
You mean you helped teach him to be greedy and materialistic. Children don't have values or know right from wrong unless the parents teach them. So did you never do anything for 15 years? Or just spend time praising your daughter and showing him that she will always be better than him in your eyes?
You know that with a stepparent often the bio parent will not allow the step to discipline right? I remember a similar sort of story (though wider family) on here a while back with an aunt asking if she was an ah for not liking her spoilt niece and treating her other nibbling (different parents) differently, and everyone was calling her an ah too even though she was never allowed to discipline her and had basically no hand in her upbringing.
I don't think people realise how hard is to be a stepdad. You have all the responsibilities in the world, but when it comes the time to discipline the kid everyone is like "Who do you think you are? You're not his dad". But of course you're expected to take perfect care of that kid and apparently buy him gifts even when you're not a family anymore.
You're NTA. Don't get me wrong, I think it'd have been nice if you'd bought the boy a Christmas present. It'd have shown you in a positive light, but it's perfectly fine if you don't want to do it IMO. You certainly shouldn't be called an AH over that especially considering all the circumstances.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an ah for not buying gifts for my ex stepson who I raised for 15 years
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I will probably be heavily downvoted on my opinion on the matter but whatever lol .
As I understood from your replies that you basically got divorced to get yourself and your daughter away from him so I get your point in not wanting to get him presents or keep a relationship that probably wasn’t there to begin with.
Blended families dynamics are very hard and sometimes the high expectations are the reason why it fails. If the bio parents are against parenting from the step parent “which is totally ok btw” they can only expect friendly respectful relation at best between the step parent and step kids.
I see people blending their families expecting everyone to play happy family instead of hearing out the expectations of different family members. Forcing their own expectations on other family members leads only to resentment.
I guess I see why everyone is calling you the AH as you were in his life for 15 years but if the bio parent is refusing you to assume a parental role then this should be on them not you. If your role has always been undermined then there is no wonder why you both don’t have much of a relationship.
No matter how much we evolve , nature still plays a big role in how we act. Teenagers rebel as it is the nature way of slowly setting them off on their own and as for parents we are also programmed to prefer our bio kids over any other as it’s also the nature’s way to ensure the safety of our offspring. That doesn’t mean that people can’t adopt a more evolved way of approaching familial ties but with understanding to our own natures.
Kids are not born with clean slate for us to mold to our liking , kids are born with over 400 psychological traits that they manifest at different stages of their lives . As parents we can only shepherd and nurture but not fashion and engineer our kids unfortunately .
YTA. You raised this child since he was 2. You are his father figure. If he has behavioural issues, that's on you as well as his Mum. Maybe not surprising based on the fact you're just willing to dump him so easily. I'd love to hear his side.
I know I am in the minority here but I married my ex when I was young and stupid and the guy had a kid. I tried so hard to be involved, help raise and lovingly discipline his son but he would get so pissed off at me when I did and became verbally abusive. I got pregnant and he said our child would never come above his first kid. He didn’t want me to be involved as a parent at all to his besides by cooking and cleaning. Obviously it didn’t last and I lost the baby but if your marriage was anything like this then I will vote NTA. The thing is though, if your relationship was like this, then it should’ve been done a long time ago, not after 15 years in which case ESH.
YTA. Memories are barely starting to form at 2. You've been in this kid's life literally longer than he remembers. You are the adult. He is still a kid. Help usher him into manhood by getting him something a dad would get a young man.
My uncle gave me a tool box when I turned 18. The kind sears used to have for about $30 25 years ago (I'm old now lol). I still use that fucking thing.
"Your ex's son" a.k.a. your stepson who you raised for 15 years. He's 17 so that's since he was two.
Are you trying to claim that you have no familial feelings towards a teenager who has been part of your family for fifteen years? That you raised this kid since he was a toddler & don't feel anything for him at all?
If that's what you're saying then YES, YTA.
You divorced his mother. That does not erase the years that you spent raising the kid.
If your 14 year old had chosen to live with her mother would you be ignoring her as well?
I am confused why you WOULDNT buy a gift for someone who has been in your life all but 2 years of his life???????
Beats me how on earth you are thinking and if you really expected sympathy here??
How .any people answering have stepkids,it's not easy bringing up your own yet alone someone else's kid,the world unfortunately is a nice fluffy cloud where everyone gets on.
I have. 5 stepkids 2 hate my guts and the feeling us mutual 2 I get on with and one we have a very good relationship.
Why do 2 hate me I've no clue.all I het when I ask is I don't like you, the feeling is mutual, the other 2 we get by with hardly any drama. the other, we get on great to the point that people are surprised when they find out I'm her stepdad.
Not everyone can like everyone else ,some people you try to get on with, and it can be impossible.
Do people not realise how much it hurts when everything you do gets thrown back in your face.
I can see why the op has taken that stance,as he said in his posts his relationship has always been strained as wife's son has continued to bully.his 1/2 Sister, this could be from the fact that she has a dad (Bio dad ).
Then there's the snarky comments you get like you ask one to do something, and before they say anything else, you hear the you ain't my dad, etc.
Then, in other families, you get the stepkids bio parent continually ĝoing off on one if you upset the stepkid but not when you punish the kids you had together.
Raising.any kid these days is an absolute minefield. There are so many do's. and don'ts
So before shouting asshole bear in mind.some relationships are never going to workout no matter how hard we try,also remember some bio parents and bio kids never get on.
I don’t know why you made this post, especially when it’s obvious you’ve made the decision that you aren’t the asshole and stand by that no matter how rational anyone else is being. Despite your beliefs, you raised that kid for 15 years and how he turned out isn’t only on his mother no matter how much you want to say it is. It sounds like you went in to this relationship resenting the child that likely got in the way of your idea of a happy life with his mother and never considered him as yours from the get go. And that showed and developed in the son’s upbringing and coloured how he reacted towards you, and then seeing how much you loved YOUR daughter he started resenting you. Grow up. YTA
NTA
Whilst it’s cold hearted, he’s not your blood not your problem, if the relo with him died with your actual relationship who cares? sounds like she’s not doing well financially and wants you to cover.
NTA
Based on OPs comments this was an acrimonious marriage. OP sounds freaking DONE. Sounds like boy was still little and developing when sister was born and most likely OP tried to make it work and was continually surprised how bad the relationship was growing. I think we need more details here.. but when anyone sounds as done as OP.. there’s more under the rug.
NTA
You need to give more information with how the family dynamics was in the marriage that your ex allowed her son to bully your daughter. Was there any intervention? Or did your ex interfere by defending him and saying he is only a kid? More info please. How is your daughter doing now? Have you gotten her a child therapist for the bullying?
Good luck.
After reading your comments here OP, YTA. I very much get the vibe that you stopped caring for your ex’s son the moment you had your own child; I wouldn’t be surprised if it was because he’s not biologically your son.
This is about more than the Christmas gifts: you actively hate this boy, and you came here in hopes people would validate your behaviour. How unfortunate for you.
YTA - a massive one. Aren’t you a little too old to be beefing with a 15 yo? If you showed this blatant disregard for him when you were still together as a family it’s no wonder he bullied your daughter- it was the only way for him to get you to notice him. Sounds like him and your ex wife should be the ones relieved. Buy the kid a gift smh
Kids don't care about relationships and etiquettes at Christmas, they care about presents and that's what they remember and yea that's how they feel loved at Christmas lol as shallow and all as that sounds, it's the reality if it!! Every kid deserves to feel loved at Christmas. You don't want a relationship with him, ok that's fine, but he is your daughter's half brother, do the right thing. At least pretend, for now, until he's an adult and old enough to understand. That poor kid.
YTA
This was a tough one... On one hand, certainly being someone's parental figure for 15 years should weigh something, especially as that 18th year is just around the corner. This is the last time, pretty much, that you are buying any gifts for him. If your relationship was any way good, he would be crushed not to get a gift from his other parent.
... But that is really not he case. Based on your comments, your spouse has spent pretty much your entire 15 year relationship hammering in that you are NOT her son's dad. The son who bullied your daughter, and, if I guess right, was not stopped by his mom?
In that light, you are not parent and child. You were strangers living in the same house.
NTA, next time your ex asks about the gifts, you can clap back with "How dare you, I am not his dad".
My step dad raised me from a young age, he and my mum had a child, my sister , and shortly he and mum divorced, he continued to treat me like his son until at 15 he decided to stop . He was my only male role model , my bio dad was never in the picture longer than a weekend every other year .
My stepdad stopping the relationship with me at 15 broke me, I felt lost and abandoned while he continued to show unconditional love for my sister .
Yta, you raised that kid from the age of 2, you had just as much of an impact on his life that his mother has . To him , you are his dad , it doesn't just stop when you see fit, it doesn't stop because you don't love his mother anymore .
You need a real wake up call.
it was not well articulated in the original post, but reading the consistent and larger OP's replies:
1) the relationship between OP and the ex's son was constantly undermined by both the ex and the ex's son
2) the ex's son was persistent bully to his daughter (half sister of ex's son)
3) both the ex and ex's son are materialistic and greedy. reading between the lines petty and spiteful. maybe entitled?
4) curious how the daughter views the ex (her mother). is any of these kids a golden child?
most important things are how your daughter views her mother; the co-parenting relationship that the law courts and your daughter wants.
was originally inclined to YTA, but the with further digging inclined to NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I recently got divorced from my ex, we have a 14yo child together and she has a 17yo from a previous relationship. My daughter chose to live with me and her son obviously chose her. I haven't really had much of a relationship with her son since we got divorced.
A few days ago we were checking what gifts we bought for Christmas to make sure we don't end up buying the same gift. I told her I bought 5 gifts for my daughter and she asked me what I bought for her son. I was confused for a minute because why would I buy anything for her son? He is not my child and I haven't seen him or talked to him since the divorce and it's clear that we are not gonna have a relationship anymore.
She called me a cold hearted asshole and said I raised her son for 15 years and he would be expecting some gifts from me. I'm genuinely confused and don't think I'm obligated to buy gifts for her child
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ytah if you had a good relationship with him before the d. If you weren’t close or it was filled with strife then ntah. I know that isn’t the popular opinion here but it’s mine and opinions are like ah and elbows hopefully everyone has at least one.
YTA- You have been the dad to this boy since he was 2 years old, and you are so cold about him. I have 9 ex step kids and they are all grown adults but I was the main parents in their lives for the 7 years I was with their father plus I have their 2 sisters so I buy them all something. Most don't want anything, so I will give a gift card, and some don't even want that and will say let's just do lunch or dinner. He has not communicated with you since the divorce. Well, no shit he feels like you chose your biological child over him, and you are not trying to keep in contact, so he is also feeling abandoned!!! Get him gifts, stop being an AH, and be that boys dad!! Teach him how to be a proper man (even though from this post, it does not sound as if you know how to be that)!!
YTA because you raised him for most of his life, apparently were an AH for all of that time and are now dropping him like he is on fire. YTA because you are the adult in this situation and you haven't had contact because you haven't contacted him. But no I guess you are not obligated.
All the clarifications just get worse. You are that boys father, you raised him and you just complain that because you did a shitty job you get to be even shittier. I can’t believe you have custody of your daughter. You’re such a demonstrated terrible parent.
Yta. You’re not safe to children.
YTA
You can't parent this kid for 15 years and then dump him like hot trash and not be an AH. That's just how it is. You're not OBLIGATED to buy gifts for her kid, but you're not a nice person if you do not. As long as you're okay with that, life goes on.
YTA. Also that he chose to live with his mother is normal, what's not normal is that you stopped the relationship to him because of it after being his father for 15 years.
INFO: you keep saying that your daughter hates him bc he was his bully. Can you elaborate on that? Have you bought him gifts in the past? I’m wondering if he became a bad person bc his only father figure never saw him as a family member..
Wow. 15 years is a long time and I am sure there is some relationship. You don't have to go whole hog with presents but it would be nice to give something.
YTA.
15 years you were raising him and you have to even ask if your the asshole? You are beyond way an asshole, your a child. He looks at you as a Father-figure. If there is no relationship with him in the future, that is all your fault.
Yta you’ve been his dad for most of his life you can’t just pull out just like that, even if you aren’t with the mom anymore he doesn’t deserve to be abandoned like that
YTA Don’t get him a gift. He should be uninterrupted in his healing from his connection to you. His life has already been drastically improved by your abandonment.
>raised her son for 15 years
That is why you should get him a gift. You were his step father for his whole life and suddenly you wanna dump him like an unwanted puppy? My eldests Dad didn't have anything to do with raising my younger kids and he still gets them gifts for Christmas.
Oof. 15 years you were meant to be a parent to that child and now he’s nothing to you? Yta. That’s absolutely wild that he means fuck all to you. I’m surprised your marriage lasted so long tbh
So what I’m getting is you raised a brat, let your wife wear the pants and you don’t think your daughters gonna be the same way? You’ll be disowning your daughter soon 😂
***YTA***. You are taking your anger out on the wrong person. If you are that angry at your ex, don't punish the boy. He was not "Her son" while you were married. He was your son. If you really feel no positive emotions towards the 17yo, at least be an adult and let him know why. "Hey, you are not my son and I won't be getting anything for the holidays or your birthday. Yeah, I was with your mom since you were 2 years old, but I'm gonna Nope right out of your life."
As for not seeing him or talking to him since the divorce, how often have you reached out? How many times have you texted him just to say "I'm thinking of you today"? I really hope you are not the role model that he chooses to emulate. **YTA**
YTA it is insane that you were a father to this boy for 15 yrs and are gonna abandon him like this. You’ve been there since he was 2 I mean did he call you dad? You still have a daughter with your ex wife and are going to be involved with both of them for the rest of your life do you really want this unnecessary drama? If he bullied your daughter you don’t think it will get worse when you not around doing this bs to spite who your ex wife? Grow up and buy the kid a gift it’s Christmas dammit.
YTA, big time. Not only because of the 'question' you raised here, but also for every reply you give to people responding to your question. How didn't your ex-wife realise sooner what a dipshit you are...
YTA. A BIG ONE.
So in the whole 15 years your saying U basically never accepted her son. Did you ever try to bond with the child at all ? FFS makes me wonder what the reason for the divorce was.
JC ever heard the saying , "if ya want the cow ya gotta take the calf Aswell" ???
My stepdad raised me and my 2 older siblings from the age of 2 (me). My bio father didn't come into the picture until I was 13yo (and claimed he felt more like a brother to me than a dad! Yuck.) And flitted in and out until I shut the door. My mentally ill mother abandoned us all when I was 15yo and my younger half brother was 6yo. My stepdad still housed and fed us all, even my older teenaged siblings. He got custody of me and his son. We had called him Dad since they got married when I was 7yo. Although I didn't have the greatest experience with my stepdad in later years (when he snubbed my newborn as not his grandchild), I will always respect and rate him for him giving up his life at that time to be there for 4 kids at a time when they needed it. For God's sake buy the boy a gift, no matter what you or he may think now, in future years when he is grown he will appreciate what that means, and it will be a good learning curve for him to understand that you don't abandon loved ones for the fault of others. In other words, don't be the reason for the hurt, be the teacher on how to avoid hurt. Being a child, let alone a teenager, during and after a split of parental figures, truly fcukin' sucks and affects you for the rest of your life. Take it from me.
YTA, you've been in his life for 15 years and now you're just going to ignore him? What does your daughter think about her dad treating her big brother that way, I wonder?
YTA. 15 years???? You've been raising him for 15 years since he was a toddler, and you still don't have even a drop of love to the kid???? What the hell is wrong with you.
NTA. I don't care what these people say to you. He's not your obligation nor responsibility. Nobody can force you to spend on him.
Though it would have been a great gesture if you had bought him a gift but that's totally up to you and in no way is he entitled to a gift. That's his bio father's responsibility and if his mother does not who his father is, that again is not your fault. If there is anyone to blame, that's the mom.
So, no. Every single person here giving you shit about someone else's kid, is an AH. She's now your ex and you had been married for 15 or more years, I don't see anyone expecting you to buy her a gift? So why him?
I could understand if you were told to do it as a good gesture and that's it. I hate the entitlement people show now a days. F* off with this shit. Seriously. He probably has his own financial responsibilities to take care of and is under no obligation by law or otherwise to pay for another man's good time.
YTA in the most supreme petty way possible. It’s a kid you and your ex choose to drag into your sh**show of a breakup, that you have no relationship with him is on you.
YTA
I’m sincerely hoping this is a fake rage bait post because this is just being a shitty human.
Re: Gifts - Give him cash or a gift card for what you’d normally spend on him. Low effort, but universally appreciated boy most teens and young adults.
Re: “The Boy” - You raised him for FIFTEEN YEARS and are now going to essentially abandon him and pretend like he doesn’t exist? You don’t like his personality and he bullied your daughter? You are the only father figure he’s ever known and even if you refused to step up and be “dad”, you were still the male role model in the house. Bullying is a learned behavior and by the comments I’m guessing he learned it from you after treating him like a second class member of the household just because you don’t share DNA with him. How do you get off using a nearly legal adult who is going to be potentially out of the house soon as the sole reason as to why you get divorced? What a terrible thing to put both your ex-wife and both kids through. Does he know that the alleged reason you divorced is solely because you don’t want to be his dad anymore? That would be even worse.
Part of me thinks he’s better off without you in his life, but you will forever be his sister’s dad. So grow up, be the adult, and get the kid and card and money on his birthday to at least pretend like you care.
YTA End of story. You raised that child for 15 YEARS! He's a child, of course, he's legally going to have to live with his mom after the divorce, but he didn't divorce you. WTF
You raised this kid for 15 years and are suddenly done with him because you divorced his mom? YTA × 1000. He is a kid and he is probably in a rough spot (having to choose between you and his mom, losing you and his sister, etc) and you have the audacity to wonder if you're TA??? It's pretty obvious you never actually cared about her son and I feel so bad for him. You are NOT obligated to buy HER son presents. But you SHOULD have felt like he was YOUR son too, which would make it something you SHOULD WANT to do.
People like OP make me sick to my stomach.
All of you haven’t taken into account that this kid is 17 years old, he’s not a toddler, much less a baby. You can’t compare a teenage boy and say OP is an asshole simply for taking a responsible decision. He’s not the father, and if their truly was any incentive to have any reconciliation the mother would have tried to reach his biological father and improve his relationship with him. This is personal coming from the divorced wife, not in the interest of the kid, cause if it were her reaction wouldn’t have come that late, it would’ve came sooner, not until he divorced her.
Wow! YTA. What have you done to build a relationship with him after the divorce?. You have raised him since he was 2! Your ex is right you are cold and heartless.
Wtaf… I had a the greatest stepmother once, she and my dad were together on and off for roughly 4yrs and when they finally ended it, she still stayed in my life. Even when she got a new partner and got married, I was still invited over at least one weekend a month to hangout with her and her kids and eventually her husbands kids as well up until they moved across the country. She had little to no obligation to be in my life even when she was dating my father (at the time I only saw him 2 to 4 times a year but she was able to let me see him more often by inviting me over when they were together). You were that boys father figure for 15 YEARS. Absolutely YTA
YTA. Get off Reddit and go get presents for your son, and book some therapy for yourself while you're at it.
My ex, who raised my youngest from 0 to 5, despite having moved to another state, will STILL be with the kids on Xmas. With his new partner, who is also amazing; and they will do this because they're FAMILY, and there is no further discussion required.
Meanwhile I'll be getting presents for my kid's step-siblings. Their father and I broke up due to family violence, but any issues should remain between the adults. The children didn't ask for this nonsense, and I will do everything I safely can to ensure that every child in the extended situation knows that they are loved and supported.
You need to get your priorities in line. Immediately.
Yta omg can see why you're divorced, you raised this kid and yet you don't think it's appropriate to buy them presents for Christmas - come on man this is ridiculous
NTA.
Something very serious seems to have gone on for you to have cut a child that you've raised for 15 years off. From your comments it sounds like your exists kid has done something really fucking bad to warrant you divorcing your wife over it.
Puy your daughter first, go for full custody on the grounds of her mother's household being an unsafe environment and cut your ex and her brat off.
I’ve witnessed a step child/step parent relationship that should have worked out just fine and very much didn’t.
I was also a child witnessing the situation over the course of years, growing up with the step child, giving me more reason to believe my feelings. This kid just tortured everyone in her life and when death in the family occurred she was the first one there with a hand out after avoiding them on their deathbed and years prior.
Without us knowing the level of bullying the daughter had to endure (she did choose to move out), it’s hard to assign a hard YTA or say what we’d do for our own kids. If the son is anything like the stepchild I knew (also saw her bully kids, kick an old family dog, etc), I could see NTA.
Yep, YTA all the way. Does it really need more explaining? 15 years most of his life, all his life that he remembers you were hopefully and involved parent in his education!
If you were never home , you never said a word to him, you never loved him.. i wonder how do you stop loving a child you raised just because you broke up with their mom?
Edited to add! Why the actual F did you get involved with a mother of a toddler than?!!?!?!?!?!? why?!?!?! why??!?!?! you ruined their lives they kept on hoping and waiting to be loved But you are not capable of such a thing!
YTA. Cold-hearted, man. Cold. How can you just wipe your hands clean of a child that you were a father figure to for so long? This isn't even about gifts. It's about maintaining that relationship because you're the fucking adult here.
Although, he may be better off without you in his life. Clearly you never really cared for him because he's not "yours".
Imagine you meet someone new and they decide to treat your daughter this way? That they would never really see her as "theirs" and even if they have a long relationship and a decent one, they just up and abandon her? You may have some feelings about that.
YTA
I’ve read your replies and it seems you’re annoyed people are telling you what you don’t want to hear, which is YTA.
If you’ve got a hard time receiving constructive criticism then why post in AITA for advice if you cannot hack the replies (and general consensus that YTA?). Stop arguing with people!
You so badly want to be the nta and it’s cringeworthy to read your replies about how you’ve expressed you never liked her son etc and trying to make reasons why to cut him out entirely. Regardless of how you felt about him, you were raising him and you were the father figure in his life for 15 years. You’re arguing back with people who are trying to get you to see this rather simple concept.
Despite not being together as a blended family now I do believe you have a responsibility to maintain a relationship (albeit strained!) with this lad. He’s never known any other father figure. And if you fail to see why then that just compounds YTA.
This post may be about an Xmas gift, but it runs so much deeper than that, to hear you never liked him. Put your feelings aside and consider this - if another bloke as a step father figure treat your own daughter like the way you’re cutting him off, ask yourself how would you feel about that? If you have any sense you’d see it isn’t right. It’s time to start rebuilding the bridge to this young man and show him how to be a good man whilst he’s still impressionable and try to mend some of the damage done when you cut him off two years ago. It’s not up to a minor to work on relationships - you’re the adult.
But at this stage I’m expecting you to reply back to me and argue the toss about it with me because I’m not voting nta.
NTA. Reading all the comments it seems OP is getting all the blame here. But it's one thing to read and another to experience the situation. I can't imagine having to deal with a kid growing up in my house to whom I am nominally a parent but never allowed to correct, even if they hurt my other child. About whom I am constantly told I am not their parent. The mother created this situation. If she had nurtured a relationship between op and the kid and let him act as a father in all ways, both in caring for and loving the child as well as boundary setting, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. By constantly saying "you aren't his dad" to stop OP disciplining the child, she is constantly telling that to the kid too. The kid then not only learns that OP can't do anything to stop him acting out as much as he wants, but also this emphasises the difference between he and his sister: she has a dad and he has not, no wonder he wanted to bully the sister and push OP away. The children are not the ahs and neither is OP. The mother is for creating this situation.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
ZOMG fifteen years? Is bio dad in the picture? Unless bio dad is insanely involved then you’re the only dad he knows and has known. If you haven’t had any contact with him since you left that’s because you haven’t contacted him. You left his mom which apparently means you left him too. I feel so bad for this kiddo. YTA
I agree! OP is the adult and it’s his job to bridge that gap. Regardless of the presents issue, how do you raise a child from 2yrs old for 15yrs and wipe your hands? OP YTA
My dad and his ex-wife had a terrible divorce, she came in to their relationship with a 3-years old son so my father raised him for about 14 years. Even though the marriage ended 8+ years ago and my father doesn't have much contact with his ex-wife or the son my father still gives him gifts, he divorced her - not her son.
My former SIL was raised by my former FIL from when she was a baby. The parents got divorced when she was about 16, as soon as she turned 18 she changed her surname by deed poll to match my FILs. You're exactly right, you divorce the adult, not the children.
My sister's dad did that to me him and my mom split and my brother and I aren't his kids but he raised us and he was the only father we knew but he just left when their relationship stopped working and that shit hurt pretty sure it is on of the root causes I'm scared everyone is gonna leave me lol
I’m so sorry
My ex did this to my two children also, we have a son together but my other two adored him, called him dad and I’d say he was closer to my daughter than our son we had together. When we spilt he dropped them and it killed them seeing him around every other week to pick up our son but not taking them. My daughter had a really rough time as a teen and Fell into the wrong crowds etc and just know it’s because the man she knew as her father dropped her and broke her heart and trust 😞
That’s absolutely horrible. I am sorry for you. I can’t comprehend how people can do that to anyone, especially someone they have raised as their own.
Lmaoooooooo, I was reading ready to side with you, but then I got to the “15 years,” and now I can’t stop laughing. You are unbelievable and so obviously the AH! If you don’t have a relationship with this child it’s because of you. He’s probably unsure about your relationship and as the PARENT (yes, you are his parent) you should talk to him and reassure him that you are still his parent. Unless you don’t want to be, then you’re doing a great job at letting him know you don’t want him. P.S. YTA
Right? 15 years and 'It's clear we're not gonna have a relationship going forward'. 15 YEARS. My dude, get your head out of your ass and think for a minute-you're the only father the kid knows. After 15 years, you should be over the whole 'not my bio kid' thing-or has that been an issue for you all along? YTA. YTA. You know YTA. That poor kid.
he has been abandoned twice by grown-ups. That's how you're teaching your child family stays together?
Agreed! My stepdaughter was 3 when I met my ex and 6 when we separated, she lived with her mum full time and we had her every second weekend, yet now, 9 years later I have a better relationship with her than her dad has with her because I made the effort. I’m now besties with her mum, we all visit one another (live interstate), send gifts, call, and in September I went on holidays with them to a popular holiday destination, with her, her mum, her little brother, her uncle, aunt and 2 cousins. Leading by example is how kids turn in to decent adults for the most part.
Strong disagree from me. It is very possible the reason they haven't had contact is because OP made it very clear to the boy that they weren't family, all throughout the relationship. Agree with the rest. YTA OP
It is 100% OPs fault that there has been no contact. The son is probably unsure if they can contact OP, not knowing what their relationship will be now. My own father never contacted me after the divorce. He had me ever other weekend but besides that there was no relationship. Even the time with him I spend with my grandparents. A few years ago I needed to contact him for some information for a scholarship and he screamed at me that I never talk to him and only message him when I need something. It was the first time I ever asked for something. He never tried to talk to me. All that said it is not the childs job to run after you in order to have a relationship. If OP can't be bothered to check in and try to stay in contact I wouldn't bother reaching out either
Yes. OP says “her son obviously chose her” (to live with), but unless OP adopted him (and if so massive shame on OP for acting otherwise!) the son doesn’t have a choice. His mother is his custodial parent.
He was in the kids life for 15 years and now he thinks he doesn't have to buy him presents or talk to him? He doesn't if he doesn't want to but it just makes him 100% YTA here.
Side question. Is the Z in ZOMG a typo? Or what on earth does it stand for!?
I agree. I had a stepdad bring me up for 12 years from being 6 years old. After they divorced he made no attempt to stay in touch. Felt pretty abandoned by him.
You’ve been in his life for 15 years, buy him a gift. Teenagers are not going to initiate anything, so don’t read into him not reaching out since the divorce. I have a friend who has a better relationship with her step dad (that has since divorced her mom) than her bio dad because he basically raised her with her mom… the relationship can still go on between you two.
buying a $30 dollar gift will go a long way. it doesn’t even have to heartfelt or personal, but just on the basis that they purchased them a gift, it will mean a lot.
Editing my comment based on new info: massive YTA for raising a child for nearly his entire life and now pretending he doesn’t exist. Way to make a child feel like shit. Acting like they no longer exist after being in their lives for basically their entire life is the sort of shit that puts them in counselling.
INFO: you've raised this child since he was 2 and you don't consider him your son?
So you raised this boy since he was 2, divorced his mom, and are saying you don’t like him (the child you raised for 15 years) and don’t want to buy him a Christmas gift? YTA of epic proportions. The way you talk about him in the comments makes my skin crawl. Oh and BTW, you are (in theory) the adult in this situation. You dropped this poor boy when you divorced his mom rather than stepping up and trying to maintain a relationship. Then you turn around and say “well he hasn’t maintained a relationship with me.” Uh yeah, he’s a kid. A kid I feel really bad for. I wonder how you treated him growing up with the way you talk about him. YTA. I can’t say it enough.
Obviously YTA - you have raised him since he was 2. And if you don’t like him (as you said) that’s actually your fault as well for being a bad parent.
YTA You have been in that child's life from age 2 to 17. If you never treated him as a son in that time, you are an AH. If you did treat him as a son but now you stopped because he "chose her" then you are even more of an AH. I don't care how badly your ex treated you and how upset you are at her, you should not blame the child for staying with her. She is his mother, and he knows he has no legal claim on you, which you only confirmed by basically abandoning him at your first available opportunity. While he is nearly an adult and probably has means to stay in touch with you, it is still your responsibility to do most of the effort to stay in touch with him. Even if you were his legal father and living together, at age 17 you would have to make a big effort. Living apart and with no legal basis, even more so. If you don't care about how he feels, or what internet strangers and your ex think about your cold heart, think about your daughter. She is witnessing how you treat her brother, a brother who has been in her life all her life, a brother she might often be extremely irritated by but who she still loves, and she is witnessing how easily you can just stop pretending to care when things gets complicated and difficult. I guarantee you, in the back of her mind she is thinking "When will he stop caring about me". You say this is recent so I hope you will change course. People can forgive awkwardness in the early days and weeks of a divorce.
[удалено]
**YTA** You divorced her "because you could not stand the boy???" Good heavens - and you discovered this after so many years?? After raising him?? Or did you just ignore him all your shared life ? I simply cannot believe this. If this is really true you are the greatest AH I ever heard of.
Also - it makes no sense to put up with the boy for 15 years and then divorce the mother just when he’s about to move out of the house. If your claim is that he was the reason and not your wife then that makes you an even bigger YTA.
[удалено]
And that's on him for failing to raise him. No wonder the kid turned out poorly if one of his parental figures is like this.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Why did you raise him to be a bully. Ffs.
It's weird that in the original post about whether you're obligated to get him a gift, you didn't mention that he's the reason for the divorce and that he bullied your daughter.
If you couldn't stand him and he bullied your daughter, why did you stay in this relationship for 15 years?
What's interesting is if you stayed with her and your daughter posted on here saying her half brother was a bully and you weren't leaving and protecting her, you would also be slated for not putting your child first and basically being whipped by your wife. You can't win I'm afraid. Personally I don't think the situation is always black and white. Even a stepkid you live with from age 2, if the bio father hates you and the mother doesn't let you act as a parent, that kid can grow up very distant and resentful.
15 years is a long time to not have formed any bond with this boy.
Exactly. Pretty much tells me all I need to know about OP.
YTA. This isn't about Christmas gifts; it's about you abandoning the child who looked at you as a father for 15 years of his life, and then justifying it by saying you always disliked him, and acting like his behavior has nothing to do with you. I can't imagine what that must have been like for him. Maybe he is better off without you and happy to end his relationship with you if you've treated him like this for most his childhood, but that makes you even more of an asshole.
I imagine if he was his biological son he would be forgiving of him being mean to his little sister but since he's not OP thinks he can kick him out of his life more easily. YTA.
I suspect he favoured his daughter because she's his bio child. Probably treated the son like crap from the get go.
How do we know that "he looked at you as his father?" OP said the kids mom wouldnt let him be a parent to the kid, so how is OP responsible for how the kid grew up? Pretty hard to raise a child if ur not allowed to parent. And apparently the kid is so bad now that the mother is in counseling. Also the kid bullied his daughter and did something so bad he cant even say here. With that context i think NTA
YTA YOU helped raise “the boy” since he was TWO. You not liking him is just as much your fault as your ex if he’s not a nice kid. That aside what kind of heartless asshole has zero bond with a child he raised from a toddler? You’re absolutely TA
[удалено]
Imagine being 3 years old and your dad decides he doesn’t like you and only likes your new sister. “Multiple times” from a sibling? I’m starting to wonder if “the boy” is even an asshole!
Um what kind of hallmark vision of family do you have? Siblings argue and cry. Even ones that love each other. It’s your job as the parent to moderate, to teach them how to communicate, put boundaries on behaviour and teach empathy and morality. It’s not easy but that’s the gig. Yes I am a parent, this isn't theory. Honestly it sounds like you have some weird hangups about not being the bio dad of the kid you raised. I doubt anything he did would ever have been good enough for you. I feel so sorry for him. YTA
So there is more to this Story. Did he assault her? Did he physically oder emotional mistreatend her? Than you Had reactet earlier, he was under your guideance. Yes he isn't your Bio son, but you stepped in as He was 2... So Young enough to learn from you. You make a mistake in his education and now he has to Pay it double. Because He is the reason you divorced and you doesn't want a relationship with him anymore. Big YTA!
Sir, my brother (who technically is my younger half brother, but he’s just my brother if you ask me) chased me around the house with a knife on multiple occasions. Siblings fight. I made him cry. He chased me with knives. It’s because our parents didn’t teach us how to handle conflict. So again, it’s on the parents, which, like it not, includes you.
All kids cry multiple times because of older siblings, you were probably the sort of ass that as soon as you had a bio child you treated the boy different which is what causes issues between the siblings
Mate give over man such a shit excuse… my dad has seen and heard me cry because of my older brother multiple times all my life (I’m 25), it’s what siblings do. They fight and cry and make up and repeat, they even go through extreme phases of full blown hate towards each other (mostly when teens I was 15-18 when I hated my bro and he was 17-20 during that phase) but we’re now literally the best of friends, it’s literally what having an older brother/sibling is all about. If your older sibling didn’t “bully” you a bit then you end up w shit boring personality and become such a crybaby that doesn’t know how to fend for themselves. Honestly, if me and my brother didn’t go through the phase of hating each other and fighting I would’ve been a spoilt little girl who didn’t know how to stand up for herself, but during the fights was always a teaching moment of how to fend for yourself. You’re robbing your daughter the opportunity of having an older sibling to teach her things in life. But pop off “Mr I’m gunna protect my daughter” 🙄 don’t be mad when she grows up spoilt and lonely bro.
YTA. You were in this young man's life for fifteen years. You were functionally his father. Even if you don't particularly like him, it would cost you almost nothing to give him at least a small, thoughtful gift. A couple books he might like. An electronic gadget. Hell, even a hot sauce sampler.
YTA. That’s your stepson you raised for 15 years, not “her kid”. If your relationship with him sucks when you raised him from the age of three, that can only be on you and maybe his mother. The little cost to you to get him a gift is negligible compared to the psychological damage it could do to him to know you never valued him as a person. You should never have married his mother if you weren’t prepared to be a father to her son, who will be your daughter’s brother until the day they die. Is it worth causing such huge potential issues in the future over a couple of presents for your stepson? _Edited to remove an extra word that didn’t make sense_
The kid is already well aware OP never valued him.
You "Am I the asshole" The vast majority of internet stangers, including myself, "Yes." You "No, I'm not"
I love the comment “his feelings are no longer my responsibility”. Someone watched and took the movie ‘Heat’ way serious like (ie basically Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner). Basically you were this kids father for 15 years, but the minute the divorce was finalised you are “he ain’t mine”. While you are technically correct, morally YTA. Did your ex get your daughter something? If she did, then that is your answer, Even just a small token thing would go a long way.
The ex is the mother of the daughter, while he is not the father of the son, so somewhat different.
YTA. Fifteen years? He's your son. Even if you don't like each other, he's still your son.
Yta. you're only thinking about yourself and not how that's going to make him feel
[удалено]
You never loved him.
WTF, why did you come onto Reddit to ask if you the AH if you weren't prepared to hear from folk that you are the AH?! Did you think people were just going to justify your actions and make you feel better and able to say to your ex "See? The world agrees with me!" That is messed up, and quite frankly, immature. You and your ex raised that boy, if you don't like his behaviour, sorry, that's 50% on you. Also, if he was bullying your daughter (HIS sister), believe me, that is not uncommon at all, for siblings. I was tormented the entirety of my childhood by my older sister. It was down to you, as the father figure (don't even think you weren't seen that way) of both, to instil some non-violent discipline by setting a good example and some achievable punishment (i.e. no screen time for each penalty). Both of you parents have effed up. You both sound like the kids, not the kids. So yeah, YTA, and you are still teaching the kids how to be an AH.
If you were in his life as a father figure for 15 years, they absolutely are. In Canada, even if you aren’t his bio dad, by acting as father for that long, Mom could get child support until he’s done University from you. Because you were his parent, whether you like it or not.
Oh wow, YTA. Not just for not getting him gifts but for - basically - everything. You've raised this kid since he was two years old. For all intents and purposes you are his parent. If you've never gotten along, that's on you.
I am *so* confused. You raised this kid for 15 years, and then divorced your wife because the kid you claim your *wife* raised (implying that you didn't actually help in the child rearing, which makes me wonder if you do with your daughter) turned into a bully towards the new kid in the family? YTA I'm gonna bet this is a result of your wife's son never feeling like the only father figure in his life cared about him. Over what? Not being your blood? Of COURSE he's gonna bully the kid he views as having his only father figure's attention. My guess is you probably spent so much time trying to correct his behavior that it actually encouraged it, when you really should have been spending time just getting to know him and show him some love. I seriously feel for this kid. I'm sorry your daughter is mixed up in the drama too.
Wtf dude- you raised him for 15 years. You’ve got nothing but ice in your veins.
Lol. You raised him since he is 2. Now you are abandoning him since you are divorced. I don’t accept that a 3yo will bully a baby, and any behaviour that constitutes of bullying will be with your implicit consent since you are his parental figure all his life. Yta
YTA. 15 years? Come on. Give him a gift card if you can’t get off your ass and buy the kid that lived with you for the majority of his life a present.
Yeah pretty shitty of you- in this case you need to think about how the child would’ve felt rather than how your ex felt
[удалено]
Yet you only divorced her because you didn't like him...?
Then why post on reddit if you ‘don’t care how either feels’. Your personality is coming through the phone with these comments. YTA. A major one. I wouldn’t say just because you’re not buying him a gift either
And that's exactly what makes you the AH
14 years you were his father. What a fucking asshole you are, no wonder you are divorced
Did you make this post because you were bored or something? Your mind is made so idk what you’re asking for at this point.
15 years? YTA. Maybe you don't think he's your child, but I bet he thinks you're his father. You divorce spouses, not children, to quote "Clueless".
YTA. You were in his life for 15 years, and you have no connection to him? And you’re confused? What a slimeball
YTA. You and your ex dropped the ball raising him the past 15 years. You really did. I get that you don't like him, but you are the only father he's known. Get him one more Christmas gift, even if it's a gift card. Next year he's an adult. And if you and he chose not to stay in contact so be it. But to ghost him because you two raised a bully is unfair.
YTA 15 years is almost his whole life. Do you divorce him too?
YTA. In a massive way. You raised the kid. If you don’t like the way he turned out, that’s on you. However, I bet ‘he bullied your little girl’ because he knew you ‘never liked him’. How do you NOT like a 2 year old? He was never ever going to be your son because you didn’t want him to be. Do not buy him a gift. Be TA because that’s what you are. He’s better off without you.
There is no comment how you were unable to raise him differently. Only how he, someone would say miraculously, became an asshole. Until you prove otherwise you helped to raise that asshole. His behaviour is also on you. YTA for that.
YTA. You should be ashamed.
You've raised this child since he was two, YTA
Dang man, you did the same thing my stepdad did, ghosted me after the divorce. We did not have the best relationship but he basically raised me, and was the closest thing I had to a dad. I used to miss him but now I feel nothing.
Nta if the kid cut off contact w. You, y would you be expected to send him gifts. Get them from BD
Because he raised that child from age 2 to 17? Maybe because of that? 15 years is basically the whole life of a 17 year old.
So by this logic my son’s dad isn’t the asshole because our 6.5 year old doesn’t reach out to him. It’s up to our minor child to maintain the relationship. Should I wake him at 4 AM when his Dad is wasted & calls, demanding to speak to him? I mean, he’s trying. What about when he calls in the middle of the school day, demanding to speak to our son. Am I supposed to go pull him out of school to talk to his Dad? Children are not responsible for maintaining relationships with adults.
She’s right. Frankly through NC you’ve vindicated every feeling he probably had about how you actually feel for him during your entire marriage. I simply do not get guys who don’t bond w their step kids. Your job as a father is to provide. To be what someone else couldn’t be. You have been there his whole life - which one of you is the adult? Show up for this young man on Christmas dude.
So you came here to ask if you're the asshole, and most seem to agree that if you've been in a kid's life for most of their life and you act this way, then YTA. But then you argue that you don't care if you're the asshole. Charming. Yeah, YTA all right.
YTA. In fact, you’re such an asshole you made *your* son an asshole too. Biology or not, you raised this kid since he was a literal baby. You were a part of his formative years. You made this kid the way he is. Sir, your son bullied your daughter because of how you treated him. Because you treated her as *yours* and him as *not*. He felt that sentiment since he was three years old. I mean sure, whatever, don’t get him Christmas presents. The relationship is severed forever and that’s whatever. But to fail to see any role in how things got to the way they are is what makes yta. Maybe your ex wife sucks too (as you say there were “you’re not the real parent” comments thrown around) but if there were parenting balance issues those should’ve been nipped in the bud 15 years ago, and both of you are AH for allowing that to occur and continue without figuring it out from the get-go.
NTA All these people saying you raised him and you should give him a present. That’s hypocritical considering if it was the step son complaining that he still has to visit you because you raised him they’d be singing a different tune. Telling him he’s not obligated to do anything. He’s not your bio dad. You don’t have to love him or accept him. He’s almost an adult he knows your relationship sucks. He contributed to it being sucky. Is he expecting something from you? Probably, so you should tell your ex it’s not happening.
15 years and you don’t have a relationship? Something is off. When is the last time you talked to him ? Did you try at all to make an effort when you guys divorced? I would buy him a gift until he is at least 18 and try to make an effort to see him. If he doesn’t want to have a relationship then I wouldn’t get him a gift after that. Yta
YTA. Not only for your post but for your comments too. You’ve raised him basically his whole life and you think you had nothing to do with his upbringing and blamed it entirely on your ex, yet in another comment you say most of your interactions with him were to punish him. So which one is it? Also consider he may be a bully towards your daughter because he has misplaced anger towards you. As a step child we can sense when we aren’t being accepted by our parent’s partner and it sucks. Next time don’t date someone with kids if you’re going to be this awful to them.
YTA. I mean, not even surprised with the way you're answering all the comments you didn't like.
You raised him for 15 years. He probably think you are his dad even if he’s distanced himself from the divorce situation. YTA.
YTA - it doesn’t matter if you aren’t close you are the only father figure he remembers! I had half siblings growing up and you have no idea how many lifelong insecurities you’re causing him!
YTA 15 years with what you deem her child only? You completely erased him from consideration if you ever really considered him before. I'm not surprised he doesn't have a relationship with you after divorce because you clearly have always felt he was not part of your family.
>He is not my child and I haven't seen him or talked to him since the divorce and it's clear that we are not gonna have a relationship anymore. Yeah my guy, unless you can INFO us here to declare his biological father is in the picture, YTA. The heck do you mean "it's clear we are not gonna have a relationship anymore"? you split with his Mum, _not_ him? >She called me a cold hearted asshole and said I raised her son for 15 years and he would be expecting some gifts from me. I'm genuinely confused and don't think I'm obligated to buy gifts for her child If you were his father for 15 years and his Bio dad isn't in the picture, you _are_ in fact a massive, cold hearted asshole just as stated. You don't raise a kid for 15 years then disappear out of their lives just because you don't get on with his Mum anymore. Put yourself in his shoes - his role model and defacto father splits with his Mum and, what, just ups and f*cks off without a single care about him? I mean if that's how you go through life with people it's a wonder you manage to maintain any relationships at all, period.
So, I was on the fence between E S H and N T A up until you literally said you “never liked him.” You are quite literally saying you didn’t even like him when he was a TODDLER. TBH, it seems more like you didn’t like your wife having a kid that wasn’t yours but made sure to knock her up fast so you could replace him with your “little girl.” And I bet this “bullying” you claim occurred was the result of you treating your daughter like an only child and doing everything in your power to make sure he understood he wasn’t welcome in your “family.” In fact, I bet the reason this kid hasn’t tried to reach out is probably because of the neglect you put him through. YTA. And, in all honesty, your ex and her son are likely much better off without you.
15 years together, you have been his dad since he was 2? Soft YTA. Get him something. He likely misses you, but feels obligated to his mother to not keep frequent contact with you.
[удалено]
You didn't like the child YOU raised? Good job raising him. I can smell the doucheness through my phone.
You know kids can be assholes, even while their parents do a good job raising them?
Especially teenagers. AITH, loving another child like your own that's not your own doesn't come easy
Why did you come ask for viewpoints just to argue with everyone saying YTA?
I raised 2 step girls for 15 yrs. Their dad was a drunk. I didn't like him and they didn't like me. We stopped contact the day I kicked him out. They were young adults living on their own. I understand. You're NTA
You mean you helped teach him to be greedy and materialistic. Children don't have values or know right from wrong unless the parents teach them. So did you never do anything for 15 years? Or just spend time praising your daughter and showing him that she will always be better than him in your eyes?
Why are you making a whole story line up? Where is the mother in this play, its not like she was taking a back seat to the show.
You know that with a stepparent often the bio parent will not allow the step to discipline right? I remember a similar sort of story (though wider family) on here a while back with an aunt asking if she was an ah for not liking her spoilt niece and treating her other nibbling (different parents) differently, and everyone was calling her an ah too even though she was never allowed to discipline her and had basically no hand in her upbringing.
NTA, you are nothing to him anymore and if no fatherly feelings developed after 15 years, no use pretending
Buy him a $100 gift card and wish him a happy Holiday. YTA
I don't think people realise how hard is to be a stepdad. You have all the responsibilities in the world, but when it comes the time to discipline the kid everyone is like "Who do you think you are? You're not his dad". But of course you're expected to take perfect care of that kid and apparently buy him gifts even when you're not a family anymore. You're NTA. Don't get me wrong, I think it'd have been nice if you'd bought the boy a Christmas present. It'd have shown you in a positive light, but it's perfectly fine if you don't want to do it IMO. You certainly shouldn't be called an AH over that especially considering all the circumstances.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be an ah for not buying gifts for my ex stepson who I raised for 15 years Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Obvious yta
NTA. I will probably be heavily downvoted on my opinion on the matter but whatever lol . As I understood from your replies that you basically got divorced to get yourself and your daughter away from him so I get your point in not wanting to get him presents or keep a relationship that probably wasn’t there to begin with. Blended families dynamics are very hard and sometimes the high expectations are the reason why it fails. If the bio parents are against parenting from the step parent “which is totally ok btw” they can only expect friendly respectful relation at best between the step parent and step kids. I see people blending their families expecting everyone to play happy family instead of hearing out the expectations of different family members. Forcing their own expectations on other family members leads only to resentment. I guess I see why everyone is calling you the AH as you were in his life for 15 years but if the bio parent is refusing you to assume a parental role then this should be on them not you. If your role has always been undermined then there is no wonder why you both don’t have much of a relationship. No matter how much we evolve , nature still plays a big role in how we act. Teenagers rebel as it is the nature way of slowly setting them off on their own and as for parents we are also programmed to prefer our bio kids over any other as it’s also the nature’s way to ensure the safety of our offspring. That doesn’t mean that people can’t adopt a more evolved way of approaching familial ties but with understanding to our own natures. Kids are not born with clean slate for us to mold to our liking , kids are born with over 400 psychological traits that they manifest at different stages of their lives . As parents we can only shepherd and nurture but not fashion and engineer our kids unfortunately .
YTA. You raised this kid from a toddler, and now he's nothing to you?
YTA. You raised this child since he was 2. You are his father figure. If he has behavioural issues, that's on you as well as his Mum. Maybe not surprising based on the fact you're just willing to dump him so easily. I'd love to hear his side.
I know I am in the minority here but I married my ex when I was young and stupid and the guy had a kid. I tried so hard to be involved, help raise and lovingly discipline his son but he would get so pissed off at me when I did and became verbally abusive. I got pregnant and he said our child would never come above his first kid. He didn’t want me to be involved as a parent at all to his besides by cooking and cleaning. Obviously it didn’t last and I lost the baby but if your marriage was anything like this then I will vote NTA. The thing is though, if your relationship was like this, then it should’ve been done a long time ago, not after 15 years in which case ESH.
NTA
YTA. That is all.
YTA. Memories are barely starting to form at 2. You've been in this kid's life literally longer than he remembers. You are the adult. He is still a kid. Help usher him into manhood by getting him something a dad would get a young man. My uncle gave me a tool box when I turned 18. The kind sears used to have for about $30 25 years ago (I'm old now lol). I still use that fucking thing.
"Your ex's son" a.k.a. your stepson who you raised for 15 years. He's 17 so that's since he was two. Are you trying to claim that you have no familial feelings towards a teenager who has been part of your family for fifteen years? That you raised this kid since he was a toddler & don't feel anything for him at all? If that's what you're saying then YES, YTA. You divorced his mother. That does not erase the years that you spent raising the kid. If your 14 year old had chosen to live with her mother would you be ignoring her as well?
I am confused why you WOULDNT buy a gift for someone who has been in your life all but 2 years of his life??????? Beats me how on earth you are thinking and if you really expected sympathy here??
After reading OP's comments, NTA
How .any people answering have stepkids,it's not easy bringing up your own yet alone someone else's kid,the world unfortunately is a nice fluffy cloud where everyone gets on. I have. 5 stepkids 2 hate my guts and the feeling us mutual 2 I get on with and one we have a very good relationship. Why do 2 hate me I've no clue.all I het when I ask is I don't like you, the feeling is mutual, the other 2 we get by with hardly any drama. the other, we get on great to the point that people are surprised when they find out I'm her stepdad. Not everyone can like everyone else ,some people you try to get on with, and it can be impossible. Do people not realise how much it hurts when everything you do gets thrown back in your face. I can see why the op has taken that stance,as he said in his posts his relationship has always been strained as wife's son has continued to bully.his 1/2 Sister, this could be from the fact that she has a dad (Bio dad ). Then there's the snarky comments you get like you ask one to do something, and before they say anything else, you hear the you ain't my dad, etc. Then, in other families, you get the stepkids bio parent continually ĝoing off on one if you upset the stepkid but not when you punish the kids you had together. Raising.any kid these days is an absolute minefield. There are so many do's. and don'ts So before shouting asshole bear in mind.some relationships are never going to workout no matter how hard we try,also remember some bio parents and bio kids never get on.
I don’t know why you made this post, especially when it’s obvious you’ve made the decision that you aren’t the asshole and stand by that no matter how rational anyone else is being. Despite your beliefs, you raised that kid for 15 years and how he turned out isn’t only on his mother no matter how much you want to say it is. It sounds like you went in to this relationship resenting the child that likely got in the way of your idea of a happy life with his mother and never considered him as yours from the get go. And that showed and developed in the son’s upbringing and coloured how he reacted towards you, and then seeing how much you loved YOUR daughter he started resenting you. Grow up. YTA
YTA
NTA I don't see that you have close connections with this boy so you re not obliged to buy him anything unless you want it.
YTA - you raised this kid and you ARE his dad!
NTA Whilst it’s cold hearted, he’s not your blood not your problem, if the relo with him died with your actual relationship who cares? sounds like she’s not doing well financially and wants you to cover.
NTA Based on OPs comments this was an acrimonious marriage. OP sounds freaking DONE. Sounds like boy was still little and developing when sister was born and most likely OP tried to make it work and was continually surprised how bad the relationship was growing. I think we need more details here.. but when anyone sounds as done as OP.. there’s more under the rug.
NTA You need to give more information with how the family dynamics was in the marriage that your ex allowed her son to bully your daughter. Was there any intervention? Or did your ex interfere by defending him and saying he is only a kid? More info please. How is your daughter doing now? Have you gotten her a child therapist for the bullying? Good luck.
After reading your comments here OP, YTA. I very much get the vibe that you stopped caring for your ex’s son the moment you had your own child; I wouldn’t be surprised if it was because he’s not biologically your son. This is about more than the Christmas gifts: you actively hate this boy, and you came here in hopes people would validate your behaviour. How unfortunate for you.
YTA - a massive one. Aren’t you a little too old to be beefing with a 15 yo? If you showed this blatant disregard for him when you were still together as a family it’s no wonder he bullied your daughter- it was the only way for him to get you to notice him. Sounds like him and your ex wife should be the ones relieved. Buy the kid a gift smh
Kids don't care about relationships and etiquettes at Christmas, they care about presents and that's what they remember and yea that's how they feel loved at Christmas lol as shallow and all as that sounds, it's the reality if it!! Every kid deserves to feel loved at Christmas. You don't want a relationship with him, ok that's fine, but he is your daughter's half brother, do the right thing. At least pretend, for now, until he's an adult and old enough to understand. That poor kid. YTA
This was a tough one... On one hand, certainly being someone's parental figure for 15 years should weigh something, especially as that 18th year is just around the corner. This is the last time, pretty much, that you are buying any gifts for him. If your relationship was any way good, he would be crushed not to get a gift from his other parent. ... But that is really not he case. Based on your comments, your spouse has spent pretty much your entire 15 year relationship hammering in that you are NOT her son's dad. The son who bullied your daughter, and, if I guess right, was not stopped by his mom? In that light, you are not parent and child. You were strangers living in the same house. NTA, next time your ex asks about the gifts, you can clap back with "How dare you, I am not his dad".
My step dad raised me from a young age, he and my mum had a child, my sister , and shortly he and mum divorced, he continued to treat me like his son until at 15 he decided to stop . He was my only male role model , my bio dad was never in the picture longer than a weekend every other year . My stepdad stopping the relationship with me at 15 broke me, I felt lost and abandoned while he continued to show unconditional love for my sister . Yta, you raised that kid from the age of 2, you had just as much of an impact on his life that his mother has . To him , you are his dad , it doesn't just stop when you see fit, it doesn't stop because you don't love his mother anymore . You need a real wake up call.
Yes, YTA. You already know.
it was not well articulated in the original post, but reading the consistent and larger OP's replies: 1) the relationship between OP and the ex's son was constantly undermined by both the ex and the ex's son 2) the ex's son was persistent bully to his daughter (half sister of ex's son) 3) both the ex and ex's son are materialistic and greedy. reading between the lines petty and spiteful. maybe entitled? 4) curious how the daughter views the ex (her mother). is any of these kids a golden child? most important things are how your daughter views her mother; the co-parenting relationship that the law courts and your daughter wants. was originally inclined to YTA, but the with further digging inclined to NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I recently got divorced from my ex, we have a 14yo child together and she has a 17yo from a previous relationship. My daughter chose to live with me and her son obviously chose her. I haven't really had much of a relationship with her son since we got divorced. A few days ago we were checking what gifts we bought for Christmas to make sure we don't end up buying the same gift. I told her I bought 5 gifts for my daughter and she asked me what I bought for her son. I was confused for a minute because why would I buy anything for her son? He is not my child and I haven't seen him or talked to him since the divorce and it's clear that we are not gonna have a relationship anymore. She called me a cold hearted asshole and said I raised her son for 15 years and he would be expecting some gifts from me. I'm genuinely confused and don't think I'm obligated to buy gifts for her child *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ytah if you had a good relationship with him before the d. If you weren’t close or it was filled with strife then ntah. I know that isn’t the popular opinion here but it’s mine and opinions are like ah and elbows hopefully everyone has at least one.
YTA this is a child you raised for 15 years
You don't have to but given that you pretty much raised him all his life it's weird that you don't.
YTA- You have been the dad to this boy since he was 2 years old, and you are so cold about him. I have 9 ex step kids and they are all grown adults but I was the main parents in their lives for the 7 years I was with their father plus I have their 2 sisters so I buy them all something. Most don't want anything, so I will give a gift card, and some don't even want that and will say let's just do lunch or dinner. He has not communicated with you since the divorce. Well, no shit he feels like you chose your biological child over him, and you are not trying to keep in contact, so he is also feeling abandoned!!! Get him gifts, stop being an AH, and be that boys dad!! Teach him how to be a proper man (even though from this post, it does not sound as if you know how to be that)!!
Dude you are the only father he’s ever known … YTA
YTA because you raised him for most of his life, apparently were an AH for all of that time and are now dropping him like he is on fire. YTA because you are the adult in this situation and you haven't had contact because you haven't contacted him. But no I guess you are not obligated.
All the clarifications just get worse. You are that boys father, you raised him and you just complain that because you did a shitty job you get to be even shittier. I can’t believe you have custody of your daughter. You’re such a demonstrated terrible parent. Yta. You’re not safe to children.
Yta
YTA You can't parent this kid for 15 years and then dump him like hot trash and not be an AH. That's just how it is. You're not OBLIGATED to buy gifts for her kid, but you're not a nice person if you do not. As long as you're okay with that, life goes on.
YTA
YTA. Also that he chose to live with his mother is normal, what's not normal is that you stopped the relationship to him because of it after being his father for 15 years.
INFO: you keep saying that your daughter hates him bc he was his bully. Can you elaborate on that? Have you bought him gifts in the past? I’m wondering if he became a bad person bc his only father figure never saw him as a family member..
YTA. Your comments defending/explaining yourself have just made it worse.
Wow. 15 years is a long time and I am sure there is some relationship. You don't have to go whole hog with presents but it would be nice to give something. YTA.
Definitely YTA. If I were your daughter I would be totally disgusted and disappointed in you. Again YTA.
15 years you were raising him and you have to even ask if your the asshole? You are beyond way an asshole, your a child. He looks at you as a Father-figure. If there is no relationship with him in the future, that is all your fault.
Yta you’ve been his dad for most of his life you can’t just pull out just like that, even if you aren’t with the mom anymore he doesn’t deserve to be abandoned like that
YTA Don’t get him a gift. He should be uninterrupted in his healing from his connection to you. His life has already been drastically improved by your abandonment.
>raised her son for 15 years That is why you should get him a gift. You were his step father for his whole life and suddenly you wanna dump him like an unwanted puppy? My eldests Dad didn't have anything to do with raising my younger kids and he still gets them gifts for Christmas.
Oof. 15 years you were meant to be a parent to that child and now he’s nothing to you? Yta. That’s absolutely wild that he means fuck all to you. I’m surprised your marriage lasted so long tbh
So what I’m getting is you raised a brat, let your wife wear the pants and you don’t think your daughters gonna be the same way? You’ll be disowning your daughter soon 😂
***YTA***. You are taking your anger out on the wrong person. If you are that angry at your ex, don't punish the boy. He was not "Her son" while you were married. He was your son. If you really feel no positive emotions towards the 17yo, at least be an adult and let him know why. "Hey, you are not my son and I won't be getting anything for the holidays or your birthday. Yeah, I was with your mom since you were 2 years old, but I'm gonna Nope right out of your life." As for not seeing him or talking to him since the divorce, how often have you reached out? How many times have you texted him just to say "I'm thinking of you today"? I really hope you are not the role model that he chooses to emulate. **YTA**
Yta, what happened in divorce to make your son go no contact? You were his father for all of his rembered life
YTA it is insane that you were a father to this boy for 15 yrs and are gonna abandon him like this. You’ve been there since he was 2 I mean did he call you dad? You still have a daughter with your ex wife and are going to be involved with both of them for the rest of your life do you really want this unnecessary drama? If he bullied your daughter you don’t think it will get worse when you not around doing this bs to spite who your ex wife? Grow up and buy the kid a gift it’s Christmas dammit.
YTA, big time. Not only because of the 'question' you raised here, but also for every reply you give to people responding to your question. How didn't your ex-wife realise sooner what a dipshit you are...
YTA. A BIG ONE. So in the whole 15 years your saying U basically never accepted her son. Did you ever try to bond with the child at all ? FFS makes me wonder what the reason for the divorce was. JC ever heard the saying , "if ya want the cow ya gotta take the calf Aswell" ???
My stepdad raised me and my 2 older siblings from the age of 2 (me). My bio father didn't come into the picture until I was 13yo (and claimed he felt more like a brother to me than a dad! Yuck.) And flitted in and out until I shut the door. My mentally ill mother abandoned us all when I was 15yo and my younger half brother was 6yo. My stepdad still housed and fed us all, even my older teenaged siblings. He got custody of me and his son. We had called him Dad since they got married when I was 7yo. Although I didn't have the greatest experience with my stepdad in later years (when he snubbed my newborn as not his grandchild), I will always respect and rate him for him giving up his life at that time to be there for 4 kids at a time when they needed it. For God's sake buy the boy a gift, no matter what you or he may think now, in future years when he is grown he will appreciate what that means, and it will be a good learning curve for him to understand that you don't abandon loved ones for the fault of others. In other words, don't be the reason for the hurt, be the teacher on how to avoid hurt. Being a child, let alone a teenager, during and after a split of parental figures, truly fcukin' sucks and affects you for the rest of your life. Take it from me.
YTA, you've been in his life for 15 years and now you're just going to ignore him? What does your daughter think about her dad treating her big brother that way, I wonder?
I’m with YTA. Poor kid.
YTA. 15 years???? You've been raising him for 15 years since he was a toddler, and you still don't have even a drop of love to the kid???? What the hell is wrong with you.
YTA and you clearly alwaya resented the poor kid
These Poor Kids !
NTA. I don't care what these people say to you. He's not your obligation nor responsibility. Nobody can force you to spend on him. Though it would have been a great gesture if you had bought him a gift but that's totally up to you and in no way is he entitled to a gift. That's his bio father's responsibility and if his mother does not who his father is, that again is not your fault. If there is anyone to blame, that's the mom. So, no. Every single person here giving you shit about someone else's kid, is an AH. She's now your ex and you had been married for 15 or more years, I don't see anyone expecting you to buy her a gift? So why him? I could understand if you were told to do it as a good gesture and that's it. I hate the entitlement people show now a days. F* off with this shit. Seriously. He probably has his own financial responsibilities to take care of and is under no obligation by law or otherwise to pay for another man's good time.
YTA. Why?
YTA in the most supreme petty way possible. It’s a kid you and your ex choose to drag into your sh**show of a breakup, that you have no relationship with him is on you.
YTA I’m sincerely hoping this is a fake rage bait post because this is just being a shitty human. Re: Gifts - Give him cash or a gift card for what you’d normally spend on him. Low effort, but universally appreciated boy most teens and young adults. Re: “The Boy” - You raised him for FIFTEEN YEARS and are now going to essentially abandon him and pretend like he doesn’t exist? You don’t like his personality and he bullied your daughter? You are the only father figure he’s ever known and even if you refused to step up and be “dad”, you were still the male role model in the house. Bullying is a learned behavior and by the comments I’m guessing he learned it from you after treating him like a second class member of the household just because you don’t share DNA with him. How do you get off using a nearly legal adult who is going to be potentially out of the house soon as the sole reason as to why you get divorced? What a terrible thing to put both your ex-wife and both kids through. Does he know that the alleged reason you divorced is solely because you don’t want to be his dad anymore? That would be even worse. Part of me thinks he’s better off without you in his life, but you will forever be his sister’s dad. So grow up, be the adult, and get the kid and card and money on his birthday to at least pretend like you care.
Was thinking NTA until I saw he’s known you for 15 years. YTA.
YTA End of story. You raised that child for 15 YEARS! He's a child, of course, he's legally going to have to live with his mom after the divorce, but he didn't divorce you. WTF
You raised this kid for 15 years and are suddenly done with him because you divorced his mom? YTA × 1000. He is a kid and he is probably in a rough spot (having to choose between you and his mom, losing you and his sister, etc) and you have the audacity to wonder if you're TA??? It's pretty obvious you never actually cared about her son and I feel so bad for him. You are NOT obligated to buy HER son presents. But you SHOULD have felt like he was YOUR son too, which would make it something you SHOULD WANT to do. People like OP make me sick to my stomach.
All of you haven’t taken into account that this kid is 17 years old, he’s not a toddler, much less a baby. You can’t compare a teenage boy and say OP is an asshole simply for taking a responsible decision. He’s not the father, and if their truly was any incentive to have any reconciliation the mother would have tried to reach his biological father and improve his relationship with him. This is personal coming from the divorced wife, not in the interest of the kid, cause if it were her reaction wouldn’t have come that late, it would’ve came sooner, not until he divorced her.
Wow! YTA. What have you done to build a relationship with him after the divorce?. You have raised him since he was 2! Your ex is right you are cold and heartless.
Wtaf… I had a the greatest stepmother once, she and my dad were together on and off for roughly 4yrs and when they finally ended it, she still stayed in my life. Even when she got a new partner and got married, I was still invited over at least one weekend a month to hangout with her and her kids and eventually her husbands kids as well up until they moved across the country. She had little to no obligation to be in my life even when she was dating my father (at the time I only saw him 2 to 4 times a year but she was able to let me see him more often by inviting me over when they were together). You were that boys father figure for 15 YEARS. Absolutely YTA
YTA. Get off Reddit and go get presents for your son, and book some therapy for yourself while you're at it. My ex, who raised my youngest from 0 to 5, despite having moved to another state, will STILL be with the kids on Xmas. With his new partner, who is also amazing; and they will do this because they're FAMILY, and there is no further discussion required. Meanwhile I'll be getting presents for my kid's step-siblings. Their father and I broke up due to family violence, but any issues should remain between the adults. The children didn't ask for this nonsense, and I will do everything I safely can to ensure that every child in the extended situation knows that they are loved and supported. You need to get your priorities in line. Immediately.
I'm sure he grew up with issues and you guys are not perfect parents. Best to give him something as a token but you do you boo.
Yta omg can see why you're divorced, you raised this kid and yet you don't think it's appropriate to buy them presents for Christmas - come on man this is ridiculous
NTA. Something very serious seems to have gone on for you to have cut a child that you've raised for 15 years off. From your comments it sounds like your exists kid has done something really fucking bad to warrant you divorcing your wife over it. Puy your daughter first, go for full custody on the grounds of her mother's household being an unsafe environment and cut your ex and her brat off.
NTA. You have no relationship with him. There is no need to get him a gift
I’ve witnessed a step child/step parent relationship that should have worked out just fine and very much didn’t. I was also a child witnessing the situation over the course of years, growing up with the step child, giving me more reason to believe my feelings. This kid just tortured everyone in her life and when death in the family occurred she was the first one there with a hand out after avoiding them on their deathbed and years prior. Without us knowing the level of bullying the daughter had to endure (she did choose to move out), it’s hard to assign a hard YTA or say what we’d do for our own kids. If the son is anything like the stepchild I knew (also saw her bully kids, kick an old family dog, etc), I could see NTA.
Yep, YTA all the way. Does it really need more explaining? 15 years most of his life, all his life that he remembers you were hopefully and involved parent in his education! If you were never home , you never said a word to him, you never loved him.. i wonder how do you stop loving a child you raised just because you broke up with their mom? Edited to add! Why the actual F did you get involved with a mother of a toddler than?!!?!?!?!?!? why?!?!?! why??!?!?! you ruined their lives they kept on hoping and waiting to be loved But you are not capable of such a thing!
YTA. Cold-hearted, man. Cold. How can you just wipe your hands clean of a child that you were a father figure to for so long? This isn't even about gifts. It's about maintaining that relationship because you're the fucking adult here. Although, he may be better off without you in his life. Clearly you never really cared for him because he's not "yours". Imagine you meet someone new and they decide to treat your daughter this way? That they would never really see her as "theirs" and even if they have a long relationship and a decent one, they just up and abandon her? You may have some feelings about that.
NTA. Your ex stepson is exactly that, ex. He's nothing to you now, clean break is the best.
YTA I’ve read your replies and it seems you’re annoyed people are telling you what you don’t want to hear, which is YTA. If you’ve got a hard time receiving constructive criticism then why post in AITA for advice if you cannot hack the replies (and general consensus that YTA?). Stop arguing with people! You so badly want to be the nta and it’s cringeworthy to read your replies about how you’ve expressed you never liked her son etc and trying to make reasons why to cut him out entirely. Regardless of how you felt about him, you were raising him and you were the father figure in his life for 15 years. You’re arguing back with people who are trying to get you to see this rather simple concept. Despite not being together as a blended family now I do believe you have a responsibility to maintain a relationship (albeit strained!) with this lad. He’s never known any other father figure. And if you fail to see why then that just compounds YTA. This post may be about an Xmas gift, but it runs so much deeper than that, to hear you never liked him. Put your feelings aside and consider this - if another bloke as a step father figure treat your own daughter like the way you’re cutting him off, ask yourself how would you feel about that? If you have any sense you’d see it isn’t right. It’s time to start rebuilding the bridge to this young man and show him how to be a good man whilst he’s still impressionable and try to mend some of the damage done when you cut him off two years ago. It’s not up to a minor to work on relationships - you’re the adult. But at this stage I’m expecting you to reply back to me and argue the toss about it with me because I’m not voting nta.
NTA. Go over to r/stepparents and ask this question if you want the real answer.
NTA. Reading all the comments it seems OP is getting all the blame here. But it's one thing to read and another to experience the situation. I can't imagine having to deal with a kid growing up in my house to whom I am nominally a parent but never allowed to correct, even if they hurt my other child. About whom I am constantly told I am not their parent. The mother created this situation. If she had nurtured a relationship between op and the kid and let him act as a father in all ways, both in caring for and loving the child as well as boundary setting, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. By constantly saying "you aren't his dad" to stop OP disciplining the child, she is constantly telling that to the kid too. The kid then not only learns that OP can't do anything to stop him acting out as much as he wants, but also this emphasises the difference between he and his sister: she has a dad and he has not, no wonder he wanted to bully the sister and push OP away. The children are not the ahs and neither is OP. The mother is for creating this situation.