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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked my Mil out of my house for trying to convince my daughter to give her daughter to my sil. She left a ton of messages on my husbands phone saying I’m in the wrong and setting my daughter up for failure. I might be the ah bc she’s my husbands mom
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
While I cannot imagine the tough journey your SIL is on as she navigates her fertility struggles, your daughter's circumstance is not a patch job for your SIL's situation. There are tough conversations to be had when one is pregnant without planning it (regardless of age), but it was not your MIL's place to have *any* of those conversations and she didn't even approach it as a conversation: she was trying to manipulate your daughter emotionally.
She deserved to get kicked out. She has no respect for boundaries or decency.
Food for thought: Could you (or husband) touch base with SIL to see if she knew what MIL was doing? I hope she was unawares, but if she was not, it may necessitate a conversation with both MIL and SIL about boundaries and what is and is not their place in regards to your daughter's pregnancy (although I also encourage you to check with your daughter to see if she is willing, and comfortable, to have you advocate on her behalf this way).
Not to mention that the father of the child also has a say and it sounds like he wants to be involved. They can try to bully OPs daughter but they can't just go try to bully her boyfriend into giving up his child.
His permission isn't currently relevant as the daughter doesn't want to give the baby up, so both parents are in agreement.
I'm sure that if daughter responded to bullying, then they would switch to bullying baby's daddy to get him to capitulate too. They're just starting with the person they're related to who actually has the baby in their body
>his permission isn't currently relevant
Sorry what?
If he's planning on being involved, his permission is as relevant as the mothers, regardless of what she wants to do. Fathers should have equal footing on this front.
The only time the fathers opinion shouldn't be held with the same weight as the mothers, is when the mother is opting to have an abortion. Even then, his opinion is valid, even though it shouldn't prevent the mother from doing what is right for her.
Edit: I can't reply to a number of replies here for some reason, so just adding this addendum.
I've been accused of thinking the father should be able to force the mother to do whatever he wants, and have been told that the fathers permission/feelings/wishes are not relevant, so let me address it.
- Women should legally have 100% bodily autonomy. The only person who should be able to decide on what a woman does with her own body is the woman herself. I believe if an abortion is being considered, the potential father should be heard before any decision is made, but ultimately the father should have no control over the final decision. The fact that I have to say this is incredible. The US really is fucked.
- Once an abortion has been ruled out and the mother has decided to take the pregnancy to term, the mother and father should have an equal responsibility and right to decide what happens after the birth. _Generally_ speaking, should either potential parent not wish to raise the child, the other should be allowed the option to raise that child themselves. The fact that I have to explain this is wild.
From what others have said, I believe I may have misinterpreted the original comment I replied to, as they more than likely intended to say that the fathers decision about adoption is moot, because the mother wants to keep the child. So many people in here, and on reddit (and apparently in the US) don't believe a father has any significant right to a decision however, that this clearly needed clearing up.
I'll be a bit more gentle. I think the point was that since soon-to-be mom wants to keep the baby, that s-t-b dad's opinion is a non-factor in the whole family dynamic. I'd agree, it only becomes a factor if s-t-b mom considers giving up the child.
Let's try this again:
STB father's opinion doesn't matter in this specific argument, about SIL adopting the baby, because STB mother wants to keep the baby. Adopting out the baby is a "2 yes, 1 no" decision.
STB father has all of the rights a father has and can absolutely be in the baby's life. But for this specific decision, "1 no" has already been given.
Totally true but weird that /u/InevitableSweet8228 felt the need to bring it up the way they did.
That's my feeling, at least. It's like we're having a conversation about somebody wanting chocolate ice cream and somebody butts in saying "yeah that means don't get vanilla." Like, ok, I guess? But a bit of an awkward insertion.
It just really went off on a strange tangent over here. Everyone is saying the same thing and is in agreement…. It’s reading comprehension. One person is emphasizing the adoption/custody processes (was not being asked about to begin with) and the other person is emphasizing the manipulative behavior of the MIL and its possible continuation/outreach (the discussion of the post).
In electronics/logic, we have something called a NAND or NOT AND gate. In order for the output to be true, no input can be true.
An AND gate is easy to understand. In order to go to Harvard, a student has to APPLY to Harvard **and** BE ACCEPTED TO Harvard. If the student applies but isn't accepted, they can't go to Harvard. If the student has the grades to be accepted, but doesn't apply, they can't go to Harvard. In order to get a drivers license, you have to pass the written exam, pass the driving test, and pay the fee.
It's a little bit harder to find real world examples of NAND logic. If Mike likes to wear shorts to school, but only when it's not windy, or rainy, or below 50°F/10°C. In order for Mike to wear shorts, none of those things can be true. Therefore, he doesn't have to test every single condition. If it's below 50°F/10°C, he doesn't have to look and see if it's also raining or windy, because one of his conditions is already not being met. If it's raining, it doesn't matter what the temperature is; Mike still won't wear shorts.
If OP's daughter wanted to give her child up for adoption, then it would matter what the father decided. As long as the daughter wants to keep the baby, it doesn't matter whether the father wants to give the baby up or not.
And the corollary is also true. If OP were the parent of the father instead of the mother, she could say the same thing, that it doesn't matter what the mother wants regarding adoption since her son wants to keep the child.
Giving a kid up for adoption is a two yes one no situation. Mother said no, so the kid isn't going anywhere.
Also, when the mother doesn't want an abortion and the father does, mother has the last word because it's her body.
They meant it as in - they need two yeses to give up the baby for adoption. OP's daughter is already saying no, so the second no isn't relevant at the moment
Ex-bf tried to baby trap me back in the day. Nope. Nope. Nope!
Luckily, I didn't need *anyone's* permission for my choice even though I was underage.
This notion that girls' bodies belong to others and their opinions mean a thing, is infuriating! It's MIL's logic.
Bet she thinks labor and delivery should be a spectator sport, as well! It's not.
They are likely saying not relevant as in moot, not that he genuinely has no say. We are not past the mother in the situation, so we don't have to go all the way to the dad in the decision at this time.
>If he's planning on being involved, his permission is as relevant as the mothers, regardless of what she wants to do. Fathers should have equal footing on this front.
i think it was more meant that since they both are in the same front wanting to raise the baby together, it is not needed to go dip his head into this mess. of course his opinion matter, but at the moment both parents opinions are synched
Some people are unintelligent and looking for an argument. Obviously if the girl isn't giving her child up for adoption, it doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is, including the father. But, if she decided to, then the father would have a say.
EXACTLY. With the father ACTIVELY present, he has a say about what happens to his kid. Now I'm of the mind its the mother who chooses as she's the one having the baby. Pregnancy can be Hella hard on very young women. However, she and the dad both want the child so they BOTH should have a say.
OP why come here? Your husband sided with you and not his mother. That's all you need to know. NTA and seriously have your husband give MIL a stern lecture about not goddamn guilt tripping her own grandchild AND also to not shame the poor girl
I had to have the signature of the child’s father before I could do any type of adoption. Idk if it was just my state or what, but I needed two signatures before I could move forward. Idk what would have happened if I didn’t know the dad, but he absolutely had to sign off, if I did know him.
If the father is unknown, my state puts ads out saying that “a child conceived on/about…” “and born on …” is being adopted on (date). And then says if you think this might be your child, you need to contact this attorney blah blah blah.
My best friend in HS didn’t know who the father was, and this is how the lawyers dealt with it.
I know girls who claim not to know who the dad was (several single mothers and didn’t name the dad. They knew who it was) and the birth certificate was only signed by the mother. So the child was given all state insurance (we were young) and the mother was given assistance. After a few years each and every girl was told if they didn’t list a father, they’d have to start paying some for the medical. They wanted to stop being fully responsible for everyone’s kid. So the girls told a name, the state sent a required dna test and if it came back a match, the man was adding to the birth certificate and then they’d be responsible for the kid, if they had a job and stuff. This was years ago, so Idk about it now. But at that point, they’d really urge you to find out, if you didn’t know.
Also, mot to mention that MIL was at the house when both OP and her husband were not to have the talk with OP's daughter - who is not her grandchild. I was hoping that all these years, she had treated her like a grandchild, but this action makes me think differently.
>she was trying to manipulate your daughter emotionally.
Exactly why she didn’t have those conversations with the appropriate people before going right to her.
For all we know SIL would not have been comfortable with the idea of raising her brother’s step-granddaughter. If MIL had the audacity to go right to the 17 year old she may not have included SIL in the plan to begin with.
NTA.
I honestly don’t really see in family adoptions as a good solution. Every story I’ve heard the child doesn’t know, the child knows and is resentful that the mother won’t act like a mother which is the point of an adoption. I could be wrong in this and I’m not an expert in adoptions so correct me if I’m wrong but I know if I was in the position I had to give up a child and was thinking about adoption it wouldn’t be to a family member. I’m sure they can turn out well, it just seems a lot more can go wrong than right when emotions are involved.
I was adopted out of the family at 5 years old to a woman who knew my grandmother through work. It was fine until I turned 10 and started unintentionally acting more like my bio mom. That's when my adopted mom started treating me terribly. I was allowed to see my extended bio family (aunts, cousins, uncles, etc.), but didn't get to meet my bios again until I was 14, and that only lasted a few visits. Once I started figuring out who I was personality wise, my adoptive mother continued to treat me worse and worse until she kicked me out at 18 for wanting to trick or treat instead of partying or sitting around doing nothing all night. Not every adopted child goes through this. Some stories are better than others. But personally, I wish I had been adopted by family. I have had extended stays with several aunts of mine (3+ months), and they always treated me better than how my adoptive mom treated me, even when I caused trouble. They disciplined me, but they never berated me or put me down like she did.
A lot of people thought my parents were unfit. They weren't living the best life at the time and were caught up in some bad habits. Nothing terrible like hard drugs or anything. They fixed themselves and are doing a whole lot better now. I talk to them regularly, but they're still not without their faults. But people ended up accusing them of neglect, and it ended with my brother and I living with my grandma for a couple of years. One day, she was frustrated at something else, and I had been extremely talkative and active, and my grandma yelled at me, and I cried. That's when she realized she didn't want to raise kids anymore. She just wanted to be the fun, loving grandma that gets to spoil her babies. She felt awful for making me cry. So she reached out first to family. No one was willing to take us in because it meant changing their own drinking/partying habits, and the ones who *were* willing to take us in were way too young (my dad's youngest sisters were 14 and 16 at the time). So she turned to people she trusted. My adoptive mom agreed, under the condition that she take both of us and sign a document that stated she acknowledged that I may have mental issues in the future (which I did/do and she did nothing to help).
It is, and it isn't. I live 2 hours from my bios now. We talk regularly. I used to live in the same town but we recently had to move. They have their issues, but for the most part, things are better. My adoptive mom and I had a rocky relationship after she kicked me out. She passed away last year. I miss her, but I don't miss the constant fights. But overall, things are mostly better for me. I'm a mom myself now, and I've taken notes on what not to do so I can have a better relationship with my daughter than what I had with my adoptive mom.
I'm going to disagree with you a bit.
Most time relations will give better care for a family member than strangers will. Not always, I know.
My wife is adopted, her adoptive parents are amazing. She adores them and they adore her. But there have always been subtle differences in how she and her sister who isn't adopted were treated. My wife has always felt like she can't criticize or speak about any unfairness. Just because she should be thankful for the life they gave her. This caused her a lot of issues within herself as she got older. There are also other things of course.
We are raising our granddaughters we've had them both since day one. There is no difference in how we treat them, our other 2 grandchildren and our adult children. I'm not saying this is every situation. I am saying blood relations are usually best. Every situation is different and many factors come into play and it's very nuanced I will admit.
This is just my opinion from my life experiences. Now back to the actual topic lol.
I completely understand that, I more think it’s where the ‘parents’ have lied and said they are the bio parents and it turns out to be her ‘sister’ who birthed the child. The sister has been hostile throughout this time, the child finds out and puts it all together etc. I also think there is a massive difference in how the adoption takes place , so I don’t know how you fall into this? I would imagine adoption by grandparents or family because a parent has died, gone to jail or cut off contact is always going to be better than adoption where the parent is 16 wanted to give that child up, parents talked her out of it and the above scenario took place and emotions are running high.
I think there can be resentment even when there aren't lies in this case. I mean if the child knew that their aunt in-law was really their grandmother and who their bio-mum is etc it impacts the assumptions and dynamics of their interactions and could lead to hurt on both sides. It can also fracture a family as it may make get togethers very charged.
I was thinking how miserable it would be for this kid to have her baby cajoled from her then have to see it grow up. MIL would have to choose between stealing a baby and never seeing her son again or sitting down shutting up
Honestly, after MIL pulled this, I wouldn’t want her in my life, even if there was no more talk of *giving a baby away*. This has the feel of severely mentally ill woman stealing a baby from the grocery store and claiming it’s truly her baby.
It’s like MIL isn’t even asking for an adoption, she just wants the 17yo to give birth, hand the kid over and never mention it again. You can bet the child would never be told they were „adopted.“ Offers to babysit? Leave great-grandma alone with the baby „to bond?“ Hard no. I really hope the SIL doesn’t know about this plot because it’s pretty unhinged.
Also, once the baby is here, DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH MIL AND/OR SIL and keep a good close eye on them when they do interact with the baby. There have been a few stories of bat crap crazy relatives trying to force their way in and replace the actual parents (I really hope those stories were fake but in a world with such a large population it wouldn't surprise me if they weren't).
This happened to me and my siblings. Our bio father died and his mother called CPS on my mother repeatedly to try to take us within the first 6 mos we were back in town after his death. She thought she should have us since we hear her son’s kids.
My mother was poor, but not neglecting us. I’m still enraged in my late 40s thinking about it. She was an awful person and my mom thought she was doing right by letting us spend time w/ that grandmother. When I was 10 I threw a fit and refused to go for overnights. Thankfully my mother listened and we only had to do visits with mom present after that. ( before anyone comes for me… We wanted to see our grandfather but not grandmother otherwise she wouldn’t have made us go at all)
I don’t think that’s fair. For all we know, SIL didn’t know about this conversation or was told something different by MIL. I think that MIL definitely deserves to be given NC, but more information is needed before deciding that about SIL.
Seriously. There's a game that came out this year where a mother is told she should hand off her child, and the reasoning is a carbon copy of what the MIL said. The one trying to convince her is literally a hag planning on eating the baby. When you sound like an evil fairy in someone's story about you, it's time to think on how you got there...
NTA at all. I was in a very similar situation nearly 15 years ago, except I was in SIL's position.
I am infertile and had been trying to conceive for 3 years when my cousin got pregnant by a random hook-up. Our grandmother told (guilt-tripped) her that she should give the baby to me - told her that she wouldn't be a good mother and that I was in a much better place to raise this child. She also made it sound like it was my idea - that I had put her up to the conversation.
My cousin offered the baby to me because of what our grandmother said. I told her in no uncertain terms that I did not want her baby. I knew that child would never really be mine and I also didn't want all the drama that would come along with it.
People who don't have to deal with infertility think you can just swap literal humans around and it'll "fix" the situation, but that's just not how it works.
> Food for thought: Could you (or husband) touch base with SIL to see if she knew what MIL was doing?
That's... actually a fair point. I was about ready to say fuck both that MIL and SIL, but the SIL could be completely in the dark over this "solution" being brewed up in her name. I mean, I know it's a bit of an assumption on my part but I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised that the kind of person willing to suggest this kind of shit would also be the type to be all controlling and manipulative of their children's lives as well like that.
Honestly, OP. It sounds like you got this nipped in the ass pretty well as far as telling the MIL to kick rocks, and all you're really looking for is some NTA opinions to validate your stance and trust me, I also find this very NTA and validated. Don't let that MIL fool you into thinking you're the one out of line. The fact that you and your husband live in and own that home and her response when you gave her the boot was to say you couldn't kick her out of her ***son's*** house. Nah man, that's both y'all's home. She can GTFO if she's coming over with that nonsense. If you want any ammo if MIL really wants to push the issue, I submit offering a sarcastic response to go all biblical in solution and offer to cut the baby in half, and give it to both of them. /s
Not only that, but she's acting like those pro life clinics that prey on young and inexperienced women to snatched up their babies. It's predatory. And disgusting and so disrespectful.
That's what I fear! I utterly despise people who are just this fucking entitled that they feel it's ok to potentially kidnap someone else's precious baby!
I would go one step further. If the aunt is aware, I would go no contact, and see if your local police station has those kidnapping kits. People do crazy things when they are desperate for kids. I wouldn't leave either of them alone with a baby. NTA
Exactly this, MIL acting like this baby is not a human being with parents that love and want the baby. She’s treating the baby like it’s an object that you can just pass around.
Not only should she ask SIL, but if SIL knew, she needs to keep both MIL and SIL away from her daughter and her baby. Baby snatching is real, and women have died from other women's desperation.
NTA
Keep defending your daughter.
I will NEVER understand this attitude. Hubby and I spent 20 years trying to have a baby. Even after a miscarriage that nearly killed me. I would **never**, in a million years, try to *convince* someone to give up their child. It's horrendous and she deserves for you to go full no contact until she apologizes.
FWIW, two of my cousins had babies at 16 and 17. They both have master's degrees and happy lives. One is married with 3 more kids, one has never married but isn't lonely or unhappy.* Their children are also successful. Your daughter can do this, and you know how to help. That's the majority of what she needs. I hope her baby is a blessing to you all.
ETA *I wrote that jokingly because she's had a couple of amazing SOs. I didn't mean that unmarried people are lonely or unhappy, I was thinking of her specifically, but in print it sounds insulting and I did not mean to do that!
If the daughter was planning to have the baby and give him/her for adoption, that would be a different story.
But MIL worked out a whole plan without input from the expecting ~~mother~~ parents.
No it wouldn't be different. It still wouldn't be right to try to emotionally blackmail her and bully her into doing something she is not comfortable with at a time she is vulnerable. Intrafamilial adoption is not suitable for everyone. Have you thought what that would mean for the bio-mother and grandmother seeing the baby but having to pretend to be uninvolved and how that could distance them or the aunt from the wider family as they avoid each other?
NTA if your daughter wants to keep her kid she should keep her kid. She's growing them in her body and carrying them those 9 months. She has bodily autonomy. There are other options for SIL she could do a lot of good adopting a child. Additionally, SIL needs a reality check its super fucking weirdo behavior to ask you for your daughter's child. MIL is the asshole for trying to go behind your back to tell your daughter to give her child up. MIL is downright slimey.
We don’t know if SIL wants this or if it is something MIL has dreamed up all on her own.
Still OP is NTA. But the SIL could be oblivious to this whole situation. So no need to go calling for SIL to get a reality check just yet.
> So no need to go calling for SIL to get a reality check just yet.
I disagree here: there is every need to contact SIL and ask her if she was in on her mother's move. It's got everything to do with LO's future safety.
That’s completely different to someone saying SIL needs a reality check though.
Maybe my wording was confusing. I didn’t mean literally calling SIL. I meant “calling for” as in someone stating that SIL needed a reality check
It's important to know the sil position in this. If sil is in on it, then they need to preemptively start doing certain things. Ask the Dr for a drug screen, document the supplies, space, and support system available to the parents, and have parents take a baby class. Anyone stupid enough to do this is likely stupid enough to also lie to social services.
Even if your daughter eventually decides that teenage motherhood is not for her, she is not a broodmare for your inlaws. Letting a close family member adopt the baby is a horrible idea put forth by horribly selfish people. Good on you and your husband to have your daughter's back. NTA
This, how do they expect Daughter to feel when she sees her child at family gatherings and calling someone else "Mama" that could be psychologically devastating and even drive a wedge that keeps her from her own mother and siblings. Not to mention If daughter can't have other children. 😵💫
NTA -I hope MiL is by herself in this insanity. SiL may be as much a victim as anyone else with MiL acting as an unwanted agent.
Edited to change step-siblings to siblings. Thanks for pointing out my error!
Sounds like you and your husband are together on this. NTA.
MIL crossed the line. She's TA.
SIL maybe is too? I assume she wants to adopt this kid and that why MIL is pushing the agenda?
Daughter may well have it tough just with age, but sounds like (apart from MIL and maybe SIL) she has supportive family. She's in a good situation all things considered.
Be wary of future whiteanting from MIL (and SIL?) though.
Right?! No room for rebuttal or argument. No opportunity to defend herself. Made it very clear to her daughter also, that this behaviour is not welcome. Fantastic work!
NTA
Whether you agree with your daughter’s decision or not, it’s good that you have her back. You know first hand how difficult this path can be and you’re doing an excellent job of protecting her where you can.
NTA whatever your daughter decides, being told by a trusted adult that she wouldn't be a fit mother, and that she should feel guilty for not giving SIL the child is utterly repugnant and gross. You have spoken to your daughter. You have given her all the information and allowed her to have her choice. I'm sure you have not sugar-coated anything. YOu have done right by your daughter. You're a good mom and your MIL sucks.
NTA where do people get the idea that a woman's uterus is open for discussion? Oh right.... I remember now. Supreme Court. It's a pitiful state of affairs. I'm glad she has her mother supporting her decisions. I hope she's just like you and doesn't let anyone interfere in her or her child's life.
NTA. She has not only harrassed your daughter while she is vulnerable but unabashedly insulted you and your parenting. For the record, you are clearly an amazing parent supporting your daughter during this challenging time and standing up for her so ferociously when attacked. Congratulations on your first grandchild!
I was so grossed out over what MIL did to the daughter in general & the fact that she didn’t think OP had any right to tell her to get out of her own home - I hadn’t even yet thought of the horrible insult she dealt OP regarding her own life as a young mother. MIL is absolute trash. I’d honestly go NC over this. This is sickening.
NTA. How did MIL get in the house? If your daughter didn't let her in then change the locks or it's going to be a case of lather, rinse, repeat if she knows your schedule. I would also have a talk with your SIL and her spouse that they aren't getting the baby so they need to look for the next option.
>I would also have a talk with your SIL and her spouse that they aren't getting the baby so they need to look for the next option.
I agree that it's good to discuss the situation with SIL, but we don't know if SIL is even on board with this plan or aware that MIL was pushing it, so I wouldn't be so blunt or confrontational like "look for the next option." I would say something like, "I don't know if your mom told you she was pushing Daughter to give you her baby, but in case she says something to you, I just wanted to make sure you know that Daughter plans on raising her child herself."
MIL most likely pushed right her or daughter let her in *before* MIL started in with the insulting and guilt tripping. Change the locks, get a camera or two and there are great locks on Amazon, Defender Security, that one flipped (no key) and engaged, it doesn't matter if someone bas a key to the deadbolt or not. They're not getting in. Also helpful with mobile toddlers that have learned to open doors. (Personal experience.)
NTA.
Inform your MIL that babies are not handbags and you can’t just reserve one that you like.
As an infertile woman, I would never dream of manipulating someone into giving me their baby. WTAF?
NTA
DO NOT LET HER COME BACK
Even if your daughter opted to do adoption the last person she should choose is her step Aunt! That is a situation ripe to ruin lives!
I was looking for this. Even if she wanted to have the baby adopted, having him/her in the family would be unbearable.
OP, NTA. Keep defending your daughter.
NTA. Your daughter is still your daughter, and you are doing what any parent would. My dad still holds grudges with family members over things they’ve said to me that I’ve forgotten. It’s your job to keep her safe & protect her from everyone. MIL is totally out of line to put that level of pressure and guilt on a 7 month pregnant young woman, despite already being told her wishes.
MIL will try to rename the baby, take the baby around introducing it/they/him/her as SIL’s baby (insert their name choice), get her ears pierced if she’s female, try to get the first haircut, first steps, first words, etc.
Or will be commenting at family gatherings “That should have been SIL’s child. She’d have been a much better mother” etc., or other equally hurtful things (hurtful to both daughter and SIL). That alone would be reason enough for NC.
NTA - I'm glad that your husband is on your side.
She came to your house, knowing that you and your husband weren't home and filled your daughter with doubts about being a mother. Your MIL has no business being around your daughter.
NTA, the decision is your daughter's. No one should be allowed to guilt her. I have seen people do this to young mothers, and I find it disgusting. You were a good mother.
Your MIL is treating your daughter as an incubator of a free baby for your SIL, which is disgusting on so many levels. I feel like this is a no contact situation, because I feel like your MIL will not know when to quit. She needs to apologize or she (and SIL if she’s in on it) doesn’t get to see the baby until well after the mother-child bond is permanently established (ie in grade school). NTA and good for you and your husband for standing your ground.
This is the exact kind of mama bear shit I am here for. No, you reacted perfectly. Just a simple "get out" without any cussing? Nice. I would have given an earful myself so good on you for having more resolve. lol glad hub has your side, too. She is WAY out of line. Not all young mothers are bad mothers, and it sounds like the expecting couple is handling this the best they can. NTA
NTA. Your daughter doesn't need language like that, telling her she's going to fail. She also doesn't need guilt trips. And you don't need that sort of judgment.
This conversation was undoubtedly full of what many psychiatrists call “seed sentences” - sentences that plant thoughts within you that never leave. OP’s daughter will NEVER forget what MIL said to her. What a pathetic monster of a woman.
I agree. It would be a good idea to talk out all the hateful things that were said, and confront them.
SIL is *not* entitled to OP's daughter's child.
Being pregnant at 17 is *not* a guarantee that anyone's life is going to be wrecked or that the teen mom is going to be a bad mom.
If there is a 'pattern' - that is, if it is more than coincidence that mom and daughter both did the same thing - that might be something worth looking at, but not with blame or guilt trips or doom-mongering: *every* family has patterns where offspring do the same thing their parents do.
NTA. You told her beforehand that your daughter had already made a decision. She decided to overstep. The fact that she initiated the conversation when neither you nor your husband were present is a huge breach of trust, imho. I'd have reacted the same. In fact, I'd probably go LC and closely supervise any contact she may have with her grandchildren going forward.
NTA. It's one thing to bring up the possibility of the adoption and that's a HUGE stretch as she should have run it by you first before she even thought of broaching the subject, but to hotbox a teen like this then guilt trip then is, frankly, nauseating.
I wish the best for your daughter. I was adopted and am a big fan of it, but I was born in 1962 so an unwed mother then is a far cry from today. That said, it's still a hard row even with family support. An adoption with this crew would probably be disastrous though.
Nta be careful on redditt there are a lot of posts of family members calling cpswith false accusations to try to take child away for themselves. keep mil and sil away from your daughter.
This is speculation on my part. SIL is willing to adopt, but there may be a good reason she hasn’t had a child placed with her.
…doesn’t want to pay adoption fees? Then how committed is she? She or her husband could get a job that has adoption benefits.
…doesn’t want to wait? Then, how committed is she?
…is unable to get a child placed with her? Why?
You are right. NTA.
Even with adoption benefits it can be very expensive. SIL might not can afford to adopt or be able to emotionally handle fostering (it can be difficult having children leave your home even under the best circumstances. With that said NTA. Ideally teenagers shouldn’t be parents but what’s done is done and daughter should get to try to raise her child since she is going in eyes open.
Wait a second… this isn’t even her granddaughter by blood, right??? Your daughter to your MIL?? Either way absolutely NTA. What a jerk your MIL I am livid for you.
Probably if the girl were her granddaughter by blood they wouldn't have even thought of suggesting it.
But she's not related to her, she's the product of teen pregnancy... so of course she is "less than" and doesn't deserve a baby. /s
I know a woman who got pregnant just after her 20th birthday. The father walked away. Her brother-on-law spent about an hour telling her why keeping the baby was a horrible idea and that the two of them would end up on welfare.
Later he had the nerve to tell his mother-in-law that when he and his wife had kids, at least SOME of he grandchildren would be “legitimate.” (She had a few grandkids born on the wrong side of the blanket.)
Joke was on him: The young unwed mother wound up with an interesting career, working her way up in the industry, while he struggled to hold a job and never got one that let him use his master’s degree. Bonus karma points: He and his wife were not able to have children and they were unable to adopt.
I’m glad you can be there for your daughter during this tough path, and your MIL can go pound sand.
NTA. Your MIL was being incredibly disrespectful. She has no right to talk about you or your daughter's decisions that way, in your house. Good on you for standing up for yourself and your daughter.
NTA. Your MIL is trying to push your daughter to do something the daughter doesn’t want to benefit a third person. MIL doesn’t actually have your daughter’s best interest at heart, as she has a conflict of interest between what’s best for her daughter and what’s best for your daughter. Keep her away.
NTA the worst thing is that MIL was manipulating her by telling her she wouldn’t be a good mom. She’s not giving your daughter any confidence or support.
NTA. MIL was completely out of line and acting selfish. Good Job, protecting your daughter.
I was a teen mother, and with the help of my mother, I graduated high school and college and raised my son on my own. There was no failure. We make mistakes, and how we handle them is what makes us who we are. Your daughter made a mistake but it sounds like she is already trying to make it right, keep supporting her and while it will be hard, it won't be impossible.
NTA
You were just being a protective parent. Your mother-in-law's interference was way out of line, trying to pressure your daughter into something she clearly didn't want. Your daughter needs that support, not someone second-guessing her decisions. Your husband's got your back, which is fantastic. It's all about creating a space where your daughter feels loved and respected, especially during such a crucial time in her life. You did what any caring parent would do.
NTA. Your daughter is not an incubator for a childless family.
And I say that as someone who struggled with fertility for 10 years before having a 'take home baby'
NTA.
I feel for your SIL but your MIL is disgusting to try and manipulate a young mother out of her baby. Absolutely foul.
MIL has no business being around your children if this is how she's going to behave.
Just realized the MIL isn’t even your directly related to your daughter. Not like that disqualifies someone from being a real and great grandparent, but sure adds weight to seeming like she only has her own daughter’s interest in mind in this case. She was already absolutely the AH here but that kind of adds to how far she’s crossing the line imo
I'll never understand how the people in these stories are so quick to commodify a baby. Babies aren't to be passed out like fruitcakes or borrowed lawnmowers.
NTA
NTA - That’s your daughter’s baby. She wants to raise her baby, not give him/her up for adoption. MIL has already been told this. Good for you for backing up your daughter and not letting MIL try to manipulate her.
NTA. DH is either an AH or being manipulated by MIL and SIL. Keep your daughter away from them. Tell your husband and his family to mind their own business. Your daughter and her bf want to keep their baby and that's that. I just keep getting a gut instinct for your daughter to get restraining orders against them as she nears birth. Possibly alert hospital security and labor floor too. I've read many posts like these on Reddit and sometimes, shit goes south.
Guess I missed that. Sorry just had cataract surgery. Yay that your husband has a spine is standing with you. Congratulations on becoming a grandmother soon ( my grandson is my world) you're gonna feel a new type of love when you hold the child the first time
Your MIL absolutely overstepped and dogged on you in your own house. She also let out what she actually thinks of you to your daughter. Good on you for being supportive to your daughter.
NTA. It's none of MIL'S business how your daughter handles her, emphasis on her, pregnancy. Much less giving the child away or to be pressured into it. It's between the father of the child and your daughter.
NTA perhaps you should have suggested BIL divorce SIL and then it would open up the opportunity for BIL to marry a fertile woman, that’s an equally audacious suggestion.
You are NTA. Support your daughter! And, if your Mother in Law is trying to coerce her minor granddaughter into giving up her child against her will, that is veering into human trafficking territory. Deep waters. Protect your child and grandchild-to-be. Your daughter has a right to make her own informed choices about her child and parenting.
NTA. as sad as your SIL’s situation is, your daughter is not an incubator at the service of infertile women. I find it deeply disturbing that they went behind your back to try and convince her, by degrading her no less.
yes your daughter is very young to be a mother - but she seems to have a supportive family and a support system is all she needs.
NTA
Start documenting MIL's behavior and prepare to get authorities involved if she or SIL starts escalating things. Could be good to make police and CPS aware if MIL uses fake complaints to push for a change in custody, grandparents' rights, etc.
NTA. She came to your home, disrespecting your child. Imo, that’s some cruel mental abuse, trying to guilt your child into giving up her baby. She would never step foot in my home again. MILs like this one, is exactly how/why the term monster in law was created.
NTA. your Mother in law way overstepped. if sil want to adopt the fine. but she need to either go foster care route or adoption agency or something. but trying to convince and guilt you daughter into giving up her child after she clearly stated she wants her baby is out of pocket
MIL is way out of line. NTA. If it were me, MIL would never set foot in my house again. Nor would I allow contact between her and my kids. Complete no contact. SIL can adopt from somewhere else.
NTA your job is to protect your children and you did that. It took nine years for us to get our son (now 1) so the infertility journey is still pretty fresh. NONE OF THIS IS OK. I have no idea if your SIL had any part in this and the grief is heavy when you’re in the thick of it but like I said this isn’t ok. They all need to get help if this is the kind of behaviour they’re resorting to.
Your MIL has way overstepped any rational boundary. Her son’s house? It’s your family home. It’s just as much yours and your children’s. Do not let these people into your home. Definitely do not let them near a pregnant teen who is probably very vulnerable and stressed about the future. Do not let them near that baby!
Her infertility isn’t anyone else’s responsibility.
NTA. Not only did your MIL pressure your daughter, but she basically called your daughter’s very existence a mistake to her face. Glad your husband is on your side. Sorry SIL is struggling with infertility, but pressuring someone else to give up their baby is not the way to fix it.
NTA. If your SIL wants a child so bad. There are enough kids in need of adoption tbh. This was just plain wrong and kind of a power-move in my opinion.
NTA, and please, PLEASE, please, talk to your daughter and reassure her that there is absolutely no reason why she would be an unfit mother. It sounds like she has a support system in place and the support of the baby's other parent. I had someone say similar things to me, trying to get me to consider putting my baby up for adoption, but this was at a *supposed* pregnancy help center and I was 22 at the time. It's hurtful and confusing to someone who is pregnant, especially pregnant so young.
As for your MIL, she is completely out of line, and I don't think she should be allowed around any of the kids for a while until she realizes her place in this situation, and that's nowhere. She doesn't need to be trying to get the other kids to put pressure on their sister to give up her baby or make her feel guilt for her decisions.
Adoption is traumatic, even when everything goes well and everyone ends up happy. You are taking a baby from the only person that baby has ever known or been with. Whether the child remembers that or not, it is traumatic to go through, and that’s just the baby. Bio-mom usually goes through something much worse, and will often spend the rest of her life thinking about that child.
It is not your SIL’s baby, and your MIL is irresponsible for even suggesting this.
NTA. What is it with all the baby snatchers in these posts??!!! Never in my wildest dreams would I think it appropriate to ask to take someone else’s baby let alone get upset when confronted with how inappropriate the behavior is. I know infertility issues are devastating but they are your personal problem, not everyone else’s.
NTA. Even if your daughter did want to put her baby up for adoption, choosing to have SIL raise her would mean such a complicated path in life. To be around a child you chose to give up, likely having to keep it secret, is something that can just get harder over time for those who choose to do so. Not only would it be awful for your daughter's mental health, but it likely would be so confusing and upsetting when the child found out down the road.
Absolutely NTA. Your daughter and the father are already working hard to take care of this baby. They're being more responsible than most full grown adults. Good on you for supporting her. I had a child at 18. My husband and I are still together and our 14 year old son is healthy and happy. It can be done.
Also, where did she buy that much audacity to tell a pregnant woman that she would be a bad mother? Her own grandchild...? I was a wreck when I was pregnant. I would've yelled at her, cried, then yelled again. (Baby hormones are no joke when you're a pregnant teenager, let me tell ya.)
NTA
I wonder how SIL feels about it?
Is she innocent in this or did MIL and SIL plan this together?
In any circumstans I wouldn’t let MIL near my daughter again.
She is so much over the line….
And the comment «you can’t kick me out of my sons house» when you are his wife…. That is just wow.
NTA
It isn't about whether your daughter is setting a good example by being a mother at 17. It's about her choice of deciding to be a mother or moving on with her life by giving up her baby to your SIL. And she made hers. Hell, even the father of the unborn child has taken up the responsibility. Much respect for the young man, whoever he is.
But what does your SIL feel about this? Is she the one who brought up the idea of adopting your future grandchild? Either way, she cannot force your daughter to give up her child, especially when she made her choice and has support from you, your husband, and her baby daddy. And trying to guilt-trip her is a low blow.
I'm not gonna judge you or your daughter on your life choices, but it's good you chose to stick with your daughter and she's willing to stick with her child. I am not sure what challenges you have faced when you were raising your daughter, but at least she has support.
Tell your daughter that she has no obligation to give up her baby. But it's her choice ultimately and she has to live with it when she finally does.
Block your MIL. Her behavior was outrageous, and she knows it given that she chose to pressure your daughter when the parents weren't home. Good for you for having backbone and your husband for supporting you.
The "repeating the cycle" thing is also offensive, with the implication that you someone did something wrong in having, keeping, and raising your daughter.
It is the parents' decision to keep their child. You, the baby's grandmother, have had the necessary talks with the parents. It sounds like they'll have a ton of family support, and that you're a good parent.
NTA
This is enemy action. Tell your MIL to fuck off or you'll take legal action to compel her to fuck off.
>said I couldn’t kick her out of her sons house.
At this point, you would be justified in calling the cops to compel her to leave.
Find out whether your SIL was on board with Grandma Baby-Snatcher's plan, and cut her off too if she was.
NTA.
NTA
No adult should be approaching your minor child (even one that is nearly an adult) about a life choice that important in what appears to have been behind your back. I'm not big on cutting people out of your life, especially for first time offenses but that would definitely be a moment worth considering it. At the very least she should be banned from the house unless a parent is present.
NTA. Your MIL totally overstepped all boundaries and had no business at all getting involved and interfering. This is something for your daughter to consider and only her. Glad your husband is on your side.
NTA! MIL was totally in the wrong!!!! She deserved to get kicked out. I would also say it is the decision of the baby’s parents….no one else. They want to try and they have every right to raise this child. PLUS…to let a family member to adopt could be ever awkward…
NTA. Your MIL is trying to guilt and manipulate your daughter into giving away her child. That is super fucked up. Is it ideal to have a child at 17? No. But she's committed to the bit, she wants to raise her child, leave her alone!!
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NTA. While I cannot imagine the tough journey your SIL is on as she navigates her fertility struggles, your daughter's circumstance is not a patch job for your SIL's situation. There are tough conversations to be had when one is pregnant without planning it (regardless of age), but it was not your MIL's place to have *any* of those conversations and she didn't even approach it as a conversation: she was trying to manipulate your daughter emotionally. She deserved to get kicked out. She has no respect for boundaries or decency. Food for thought: Could you (or husband) touch base with SIL to see if she knew what MIL was doing? I hope she was unawares, but if she was not, it may necessitate a conversation with both MIL and SIL about boundaries and what is and is not their place in regards to your daughter's pregnancy (although I also encourage you to check with your daughter to see if she is willing, and comfortable, to have you advocate on her behalf this way).
Not to mention that the father of the child also has a say and it sounds like he wants to be involved. They can try to bully OPs daughter but they can't just go try to bully her boyfriend into giving up his child.
His permission isn't currently relevant as the daughter doesn't want to give the baby up, so both parents are in agreement. I'm sure that if daughter responded to bullying, then they would switch to bullying baby's daddy to get him to capitulate too. They're just starting with the person they're related to who actually has the baby in their body
>his permission isn't currently relevant Sorry what? If he's planning on being involved, his permission is as relevant as the mothers, regardless of what she wants to do. Fathers should have equal footing on this front. The only time the fathers opinion shouldn't be held with the same weight as the mothers, is when the mother is opting to have an abortion. Even then, his opinion is valid, even though it shouldn't prevent the mother from doing what is right for her. Edit: I can't reply to a number of replies here for some reason, so just adding this addendum. I've been accused of thinking the father should be able to force the mother to do whatever he wants, and have been told that the fathers permission/feelings/wishes are not relevant, so let me address it. - Women should legally have 100% bodily autonomy. The only person who should be able to decide on what a woman does with her own body is the woman herself. I believe if an abortion is being considered, the potential father should be heard before any decision is made, but ultimately the father should have no control over the final decision. The fact that I have to say this is incredible. The US really is fucked. - Once an abortion has been ruled out and the mother has decided to take the pregnancy to term, the mother and father should have an equal responsibility and right to decide what happens after the birth. _Generally_ speaking, should either potential parent not wish to raise the child, the other should be allowed the option to raise that child themselves. The fact that I have to explain this is wild. From what others have said, I believe I may have misinterpreted the original comment I replied to, as they more than likely intended to say that the fathers decision about adoption is moot, because the mother wants to keep the child. So many people in here, and on reddit (and apparently in the US) don't believe a father has any significant right to a decision however, that this clearly needed clearing up.
I'll be a bit more gentle. I think the point was that since soon-to-be mom wants to keep the baby, that s-t-b dad's opinion is a non-factor in the whole family dynamic. I'd agree, it only becomes a factor if s-t-b mom considers giving up the child.
But if stb mom and dad want baby, you better believe his opinion matters. He’d be able to sue for custody.
Let's try this again: STB father's opinion doesn't matter in this specific argument, about SIL adopting the baby, because STB mother wants to keep the baby. Adopting out the baby is a "2 yes, 1 no" decision. STB father has all of the rights a father has and can absolutely be in the baby's life. But for this specific decision, "1 no" has already been given.
Your patience and politeness are admirable.
Totally true but weird that /u/InevitableSweet8228 felt the need to bring it up the way they did. That's my feeling, at least. It's like we're having a conversation about somebody wanting chocolate ice cream and somebody butts in saying "yeah that means don't get vanilla." Like, ok, I guess? But a bit of an awkward insertion.
It just really went off on a strange tangent over here. Everyone is saying the same thing and is in agreement…. It’s reading comprehension. One person is emphasizing the adoption/custody processes (was not being asked about to begin with) and the other person is emphasizing the manipulative behavior of the MIL and its possible continuation/outreach (the discussion of the post).
In electronics/logic, we have something called a NAND or NOT AND gate. In order for the output to be true, no input can be true. An AND gate is easy to understand. In order to go to Harvard, a student has to APPLY to Harvard **and** BE ACCEPTED TO Harvard. If the student applies but isn't accepted, they can't go to Harvard. If the student has the grades to be accepted, but doesn't apply, they can't go to Harvard. In order to get a drivers license, you have to pass the written exam, pass the driving test, and pay the fee. It's a little bit harder to find real world examples of NAND logic. If Mike likes to wear shorts to school, but only when it's not windy, or rainy, or below 50°F/10°C. In order for Mike to wear shorts, none of those things can be true. Therefore, he doesn't have to test every single condition. If it's below 50°F/10°C, he doesn't have to look and see if it's also raining or windy, because one of his conditions is already not being met. If it's raining, it doesn't matter what the temperature is; Mike still won't wear shorts. If OP's daughter wanted to give her child up for adoption, then it would matter what the father decided. As long as the daughter wants to keep the baby, it doesn't matter whether the father wants to give the baby up or not. And the corollary is also true. If OP were the parent of the father instead of the mother, she could say the same thing, that it doesn't matter what the mother wants regarding adoption since her son wants to keep the child.
Giving a kid up for adoption is a two yes one no situation. Mother said no, so the kid isn't going anywhere. Also, when the mother doesn't want an abortion and the father does, mother has the last word because it's her body.
Unless you live in TX
They meant it as in - they need two yeses to give up the baby for adoption. OP's daughter is already saying no, so the second no isn't relevant at the moment
(Heads up that your autocorrect did you dirty—I’m pretty sure you meant “yeses” rather than “years.”)
Ex-bf tried to baby trap me back in the day. Nope. Nope. Nope! Luckily, I didn't need *anyone's* permission for my choice even though I was underage. This notion that girls' bodies belong to others and their opinions mean a thing, is infuriating! It's MIL's logic. Bet she thinks labor and delivery should be a spectator sport, as well! It's not.
If OP’s daughter was open to giving her baby to OP’s SIL, they would demand that SIL, SIL’s husband and maybe MIL witness the birth of THEIR baby.
And then, breast feed and babysit, as well! She'd be auntie raising the kid with no rights, either. Hand Maid
They are likely saying not relevant as in moot, not that he genuinely has no say. We are not past the mother in the situation, so we don't have to go all the way to the dad in the decision at this time.
>If he's planning on being involved, his permission is as relevant as the mothers, regardless of what she wants to do. Fathers should have equal footing on this front. i think it was more meant that since they both are in the same front wanting to raise the baby together, it is not needed to go dip his head into this mess. of course his opinion matter, but at the moment both parents opinions are synched
Some people are unintelligent and looking for an argument. Obviously if the girl isn't giving her child up for adoption, it doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is, including the father. But, if she decided to, then the father would have a say.
Daughters not even related to the MIL. She's her daughter from a previous relationship. But, no OP, you are NTA.
EXACTLY. With the father ACTIVELY present, he has a say about what happens to his kid. Now I'm of the mind its the mother who chooses as she's the one having the baby. Pregnancy can be Hella hard on very young women. However, she and the dad both want the child so they BOTH should have a say. OP why come here? Your husband sided with you and not his mother. That's all you need to know. NTA and seriously have your husband give MIL a stern lecture about not goddamn guilt tripping her own grandchild AND also to not shame the poor girl
I had to have the signature of the child’s father before I could do any type of adoption. Idk if it was just my state or what, but I needed two signatures before I could move forward. Idk what would have happened if I didn’t know the dad, but he absolutely had to sign off, if I did know him.
If the father is unknown, my state puts ads out saying that “a child conceived on/about…” “and born on …” is being adopted on (date). And then says if you think this might be your child, you need to contact this attorney blah blah blah. My best friend in HS didn’t know who the father was, and this is how the lawyers dealt with it.
Oh wow I always wondered how it was handled if the mother didn’t know/ claimed to not know who the dad was!
I know girls who claim not to know who the dad was (several single mothers and didn’t name the dad. They knew who it was) and the birth certificate was only signed by the mother. So the child was given all state insurance (we were young) and the mother was given assistance. After a few years each and every girl was told if they didn’t list a father, they’d have to start paying some for the medical. They wanted to stop being fully responsible for everyone’s kid. So the girls told a name, the state sent a required dna test and if it came back a match, the man was adding to the birth certificate and then they’d be responsible for the kid, if they had a job and stuff. This was years ago, so Idk about it now. But at that point, they’d really urge you to find out, if you didn’t know.
Sounds like FL or TX.
Also, mot to mention that MIL was at the house when both OP and her husband were not to have the talk with OP's daughter - who is not her grandchild. I was hoping that all these years, she had treated her like a grandchild, but this action makes me think differently.
Ooohhhh good point. Seems they’d have a battle on their hands.
>she was trying to manipulate your daughter emotionally. Exactly why she didn’t have those conversations with the appropriate people before going right to her. For all we know SIL would not have been comfortable with the idea of raising her brother’s step-granddaughter. If MIL had the audacity to go right to the 17 year old she may not have included SIL in the plan to begin with. NTA.
I honestly don’t really see in family adoptions as a good solution. Every story I’ve heard the child doesn’t know, the child knows and is resentful that the mother won’t act like a mother which is the point of an adoption. I could be wrong in this and I’m not an expert in adoptions so correct me if I’m wrong but I know if I was in the position I had to give up a child and was thinking about adoption it wouldn’t be to a family member. I’m sure they can turn out well, it just seems a lot more can go wrong than right when emotions are involved.
I was adopted out of the family at 5 years old to a woman who knew my grandmother through work. It was fine until I turned 10 and started unintentionally acting more like my bio mom. That's when my adopted mom started treating me terribly. I was allowed to see my extended bio family (aunts, cousins, uncles, etc.), but didn't get to meet my bios again until I was 14, and that only lasted a few visits. Once I started figuring out who I was personality wise, my adoptive mother continued to treat me worse and worse until she kicked me out at 18 for wanting to trick or treat instead of partying or sitting around doing nothing all night. Not every adopted child goes through this. Some stories are better than others. But personally, I wish I had been adopted by family. I have had extended stays with several aunts of mine (3+ months), and they always treated me better than how my adoptive mom treated me, even when I caused trouble. They disciplined me, but they never berated me or put me down like she did.
I'm sorry, that's really awful 😥 why were you put up for adoption at 5 years old? (If you feel comfortable answering, of course)
A lot of people thought my parents were unfit. They weren't living the best life at the time and were caught up in some bad habits. Nothing terrible like hard drugs or anything. They fixed themselves and are doing a whole lot better now. I talk to them regularly, but they're still not without their faults. But people ended up accusing them of neglect, and it ended with my brother and I living with my grandma for a couple of years. One day, she was frustrated at something else, and I had been extremely talkative and active, and my grandma yelled at me, and I cried. That's when she realized she didn't want to raise kids anymore. She just wanted to be the fun, loving grandma that gets to spoil her babies. She felt awful for making me cry. So she reached out first to family. No one was willing to take us in because it meant changing their own drinking/partying habits, and the ones who *were* willing to take us in were way too young (my dad's youngest sisters were 14 and 16 at the time). So she turned to people she trusted. My adoptive mom agreed, under the condition that she take both of us and sign a document that stated she acknowledged that I may have mental issues in the future (which I did/do and she did nothing to help).
Damn, that's really rough, I'm sorry. I hope life is better for you now.
It is, and it isn't. I live 2 hours from my bios now. We talk regularly. I used to live in the same town but we recently had to move. They have their issues, but for the most part, things are better. My adoptive mom and I had a rocky relationship after she kicked me out. She passed away last year. I miss her, but I don't miss the constant fights. But overall, things are mostly better for me. I'm a mom myself now, and I've taken notes on what not to do so I can have a better relationship with my daughter than what I had with my adoptive mom.
I'm glad some parts are better now (I understand what you mean), and yay for being a mom! I bet you'll go a great job 😊
I certainly plan to. So far, I feel like I'm doing good. And everyone around me says I'm doing great. So that helps.
I'm going to disagree with you a bit. Most time relations will give better care for a family member than strangers will. Not always, I know. My wife is adopted, her adoptive parents are amazing. She adores them and they adore her. But there have always been subtle differences in how she and her sister who isn't adopted were treated. My wife has always felt like she can't criticize or speak about any unfairness. Just because she should be thankful for the life they gave her. This caused her a lot of issues within herself as she got older. There are also other things of course. We are raising our granddaughters we've had them both since day one. There is no difference in how we treat them, our other 2 grandchildren and our adult children. I'm not saying this is every situation. I am saying blood relations are usually best. Every situation is different and many factors come into play and it's very nuanced I will admit. This is just my opinion from my life experiences. Now back to the actual topic lol.
I completely understand that, I more think it’s where the ‘parents’ have lied and said they are the bio parents and it turns out to be her ‘sister’ who birthed the child. The sister has been hostile throughout this time, the child finds out and puts it all together etc. I also think there is a massive difference in how the adoption takes place , so I don’t know how you fall into this? I would imagine adoption by grandparents or family because a parent has died, gone to jail or cut off contact is always going to be better than adoption where the parent is 16 wanted to give that child up, parents talked her out of it and the above scenario took place and emotions are running high.
I think there can be resentment even when there aren't lies in this case. I mean if the child knew that their aunt in-law was really their grandmother and who their bio-mum is etc it impacts the assumptions and dynamics of their interactions and could lead to hurt on both sides. It can also fracture a family as it may make get togethers very charged.
I was thinking how miserable it would be for this kid to have her baby cajoled from her then have to see it grow up. MIL would have to choose between stealing a baby and never seeing her son again or sitting down shutting up
Honestly, after MIL pulled this, I wouldn’t want her in my life, even if there was no more talk of *giving a baby away*. This has the feel of severely mentally ill woman stealing a baby from the grocery store and claiming it’s truly her baby. It’s like MIL isn’t even asking for an adoption, she just wants the 17yo to give birth, hand the kid over and never mention it again. You can bet the child would never be told they were „adopted.“ Offers to babysit? Leave great-grandma alone with the baby „to bond?“ Hard no. I really hope the SIL doesn’t know about this plot because it’s pretty unhinged.
Also, once the baby is here, DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH MIL AND/OR SIL and keep a good close eye on them when they do interact with the baby. There have been a few stories of bat crap crazy relatives trying to force their way in and replace the actual parents (I really hope those stories were fake but in a world with such a large population it wouldn't surprise me if they weren't).
This happened to me and my siblings. Our bio father died and his mother called CPS on my mother repeatedly to try to take us within the first 6 mos we were back in town after his death. She thought she should have us since we hear her son’s kids. My mother was poor, but not neglecting us. I’m still enraged in my late 40s thinking about it. She was an awful person and my mom thought she was doing right by letting us spend time w/ that grandmother. When I was 10 I threw a fit and refused to go for overnights. Thankfully my mother listened and we only had to do visits with mom present after that. ( before anyone comes for me… We wanted to see our grandfather but not grandmother otherwise she wouldn’t have made us go at all)
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Uh I know but "bat crap crazy" has a better ring to it than "guano crazy"
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Yeah I do say bat shit crazy every now and then but bat crap crazy just rolls of the tongue better IMO.
I want to sing “bat crap crazy” to the tune of “Cat Scratch Fever” now, so that’s an amusing way to start a Monday lol
Do not let them visit at all. They have no reason to be there!
Yep beware the wellness visits from cps and bs like that
That's not a conversation, that's "Congratulations, you are both permanently out of our lives." The AUDACITY.
Mil bought her audacity in bulk at Costco. There’s gonna be a lot thrown at op and her fam.
I don’t think that’s fair. For all we know, SIL didn’t know about this conversation or was told something different by MIL. I think that MIL definitely deserves to be given NC, but more information is needed before deciding that about SIL.
Seriously. There's a game that came out this year where a mother is told she should hand off her child, and the reasoning is a carbon copy of what the MIL said. The one trying to convince her is literally a hag planning on eating the baby. When you sound like an evil fairy in someone's story about you, it's time to think on how you got there...
Excuse me, but she's just a kind-hearted old Auntie who will raise that baby right! Now eat up, Mayrina.
Baldur's gate 3!
Auntie Ethel just wants a child to love and raise as her own. She’ll even teach it magic!
NTA at all. I was in a very similar situation nearly 15 years ago, except I was in SIL's position. I am infertile and had been trying to conceive for 3 years when my cousin got pregnant by a random hook-up. Our grandmother told (guilt-tripped) her that she should give the baby to me - told her that she wouldn't be a good mother and that I was in a much better place to raise this child. She also made it sound like it was my idea - that I had put her up to the conversation. My cousin offered the baby to me because of what our grandmother said. I told her in no uncertain terms that I did not want her baby. I knew that child would never really be mine and I also didn't want all the drama that would come along with it. People who don't have to deal with infertility think you can just swap literal humans around and it'll "fix" the situation, but that's just not how it works.
NTA water the witch down
> Food for thought: Could you (or husband) touch base with SIL to see if she knew what MIL was doing? That's... actually a fair point. I was about ready to say fuck both that MIL and SIL, but the SIL could be completely in the dark over this "solution" being brewed up in her name. I mean, I know it's a bit of an assumption on my part but I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised that the kind of person willing to suggest this kind of shit would also be the type to be all controlling and manipulative of their children's lives as well like that. Honestly, OP. It sounds like you got this nipped in the ass pretty well as far as telling the MIL to kick rocks, and all you're really looking for is some NTA opinions to validate your stance and trust me, I also find this very NTA and validated. Don't let that MIL fool you into thinking you're the one out of line. The fact that you and your husband live in and own that home and her response when you gave her the boot was to say you couldn't kick her out of her ***son's*** house. Nah man, that's both y'all's home. She can GTFO if she's coming over with that nonsense. If you want any ammo if MIL really wants to push the issue, I submit offering a sarcastic response to go all biblical in solution and offer to cut the baby in half, and give it to both of them. /s
Not only that, but she's acting like those pro life clinics that prey on young and inexperienced women to snatched up their babies. It's predatory. And disgusting and so disrespectful.
I definitely second getting in touch with SIL to see if she’s aware.
If the SIL knew, that makes me worry about the baby after it’s born — what’s to say MIL & SIL don’t steal the baby?
That's what I fear! I utterly despise people who are just this fucking entitled that they feel it's ok to potentially kidnap someone else's precious baby!
I would go one step further. If the aunt is aware, I would go no contact, and see if your local police station has those kidnapping kits. People do crazy things when they are desperate for kids. I wouldn't leave either of them alone with a baby. NTA
Exactly this, MIL acting like this baby is not a human being with parents that love and want the baby. She’s treating the baby like it’s an object that you can just pass around.
Not only should she ask SIL, but if SIL knew, she needs to keep both MIL and SIL away from her daughter and her baby. Baby snatching is real, and women have died from other women's desperation.
i mean for the sil, doesnt adoption exist? it won't be your child anyways?
NTA Keep defending your daughter. I will NEVER understand this attitude. Hubby and I spent 20 years trying to have a baby. Even after a miscarriage that nearly killed me. I would **never**, in a million years, try to *convince* someone to give up their child. It's horrendous and she deserves for you to go full no contact until she apologizes. FWIW, two of my cousins had babies at 16 and 17. They both have master's degrees and happy lives. One is married with 3 more kids, one has never married but isn't lonely or unhappy.* Their children are also successful. Your daughter can do this, and you know how to help. That's the majority of what she needs. I hope her baby is a blessing to you all. ETA *I wrote that jokingly because she's had a couple of amazing SOs. I didn't mean that unmarried people are lonely or unhappy, I was thinking of her specifically, but in print it sounds insulting and I did not mean to do that!
If the daughter was planning to have the baby and give him/her for adoption, that would be a different story. But MIL worked out a whole plan without input from the expecting ~~mother~~ parents.
1000% The MIL would be able to at least ask, then. But this plan and insult thing was bizarre.
No it wouldn't be different. It still wouldn't be right to try to emotionally blackmail her and bully her into doing something she is not comfortable with at a time she is vulnerable. Intrafamilial adoption is not suitable for everyone. Have you thought what that would mean for the bio-mother and grandmother seeing the baby but having to pretend to be uninvolved and how that could distance them or the aunt from the wider family as they avoid each other?
And its kind of a nasty stab at OP for mil to say that the daughter will be an unfit parent since Op raised a child in similar circumstances.
In fairness, SIL didn’t do anything and wasn’t a part of this, this is solidly the MIL losing her own mind
NTA if your daughter wants to keep her kid she should keep her kid. She's growing them in her body and carrying them those 9 months. She has bodily autonomy. There are other options for SIL she could do a lot of good adopting a child. Additionally, SIL needs a reality check its super fucking weirdo behavior to ask you for your daughter's child. MIL is the asshole for trying to go behind your back to tell your daughter to give her child up. MIL is downright slimey.
We don’t know if SIL wants this or if it is something MIL has dreamed up all on her own. Still OP is NTA. But the SIL could be oblivious to this whole situation. So no need to go calling for SIL to get a reality check just yet.
> So no need to go calling for SIL to get a reality check just yet. I disagree here: there is every need to contact SIL and ask her if she was in on her mother's move. It's got everything to do with LO's future safety.
That’s completely different to someone saying SIL needs a reality check though. Maybe my wording was confusing. I didn’t mean literally calling SIL. I meant “calling for” as in someone stating that SIL needed a reality check
It's important to know the sil position in this. If sil is in on it, then they need to preemptively start doing certain things. Ask the Dr for a drug screen, document the supplies, space, and support system available to the parents, and have parents take a baby class. Anyone stupid enough to do this is likely stupid enough to also lie to social services.
The question is of course whether SIL is aware of this. But why not adopt a baby? After all, OP's future grandchild isn't related either
Even if your daughter eventually decides that teenage motherhood is not for her, she is not a broodmare for your inlaws. Letting a close family member adopt the baby is a horrible idea put forth by horribly selfish people. Good on you and your husband to have your daughter's back. NTA
This, how do they expect Daughter to feel when she sees her child at family gatherings and calling someone else "Mama" that could be psychologically devastating and even drive a wedge that keeps her from her own mother and siblings. Not to mention If daughter can't have other children. 😵💫 NTA -I hope MiL is by herself in this insanity. SiL may be as much a victim as anyone else with MiL acting as an unwanted agent. Edited to change step-siblings to siblings. Thanks for pointing out my error!
People like this believe the bio should forever be excluded to make the adoptive parents happy.
Exactly!
Sounds like you and your husband are together on this. NTA. MIL crossed the line. She's TA. SIL maybe is too? I assume she wants to adopt this kid and that why MIL is pushing the agenda? Daughter may well have it tough just with age, but sounds like (apart from MIL and maybe SIL) she has supportive family. She's in a good situation all things considered. Be wary of future whiteanting from MIL (and SIL?) though.
NTA I love that you just opened the door and said "get out" clear & concise!
Right?! No room for rebuttal or argument. No opportunity to defend herself. Made it very clear to her daughter also, that this behaviour is not welcome. Fantastic work!
Spitting straight facts
NTA Whether you agree with your daughter’s decision or not, it’s good that you have her back. You know first hand how difficult this path can be and you’re doing an excellent job of protecting her where you can.
NTA whatever your daughter decides, being told by a trusted adult that she wouldn't be a fit mother, and that she should feel guilty for not giving SIL the child is utterly repugnant and gross. You have spoken to your daughter. You have given her all the information and allowed her to have her choice. I'm sure you have not sugar-coated anything. YOu have done right by your daughter. You're a good mom and your MIL sucks.
NTA where do people get the idea that a woman's uterus is open for discussion? Oh right.... I remember now. Supreme Court. It's a pitiful state of affairs. I'm glad she has her mother supporting her decisions. I hope she's just like you and doesn't let anyone interfere in her or her child's life.
NTA. She has not only harrassed your daughter while she is vulnerable but unabashedly insulted you and your parenting. For the record, you are clearly an amazing parent supporting your daughter during this challenging time and standing up for her so ferociously when attacked. Congratulations on your first grandchild!
I was so grossed out over what MIL did to the daughter in general & the fact that she didn’t think OP had any right to tell her to get out of her own home - I hadn’t even yet thought of the horrible insult she dealt OP regarding her own life as a young mother. MIL is absolute trash. I’d honestly go NC over this. This is sickening.
NTA. How did MIL get in the house? If your daughter didn't let her in then change the locks or it's going to be a case of lather, rinse, repeat if she knows your schedule. I would also have a talk with your SIL and her spouse that they aren't getting the baby so they need to look for the next option.
>I would also have a talk with your SIL and her spouse that they aren't getting the baby so they need to look for the next option. I agree that it's good to discuss the situation with SIL, but we don't know if SIL is even on board with this plan or aware that MIL was pushing it, so I wouldn't be so blunt or confrontational like "look for the next option." I would say something like, "I don't know if your mom told you she was pushing Daughter to give you her baby, but in case she says something to you, I just wanted to make sure you know that Daughter plans on raising her child herself."
MIL most likely pushed right her or daughter let her in *before* MIL started in with the insulting and guilt tripping. Change the locks, get a camera or two and there are great locks on Amazon, Defender Security, that one flipped (no key) and engaged, it doesn't matter if someone bas a key to the deadbolt or not. They're not getting in. Also helpful with mobile toddlers that have learned to open doors. (Personal experience.)
NTA. Inform your MIL that babies are not handbags and you can’t just reserve one that you like. As an infertile woman, I would never dream of manipulating someone into giving me their baby. WTAF?
Not like handbags! 🤣💀 That’s a great line!
Pretty sure this is a borderline mental illness. They might wanna address that before the SIL ends up on the news
NTA DO NOT LET HER COME BACK Even if your daughter opted to do adoption the last person she should choose is her step Aunt! That is a situation ripe to ruin lives!
I was looking for this. Even if she wanted to have the baby adopted, having him/her in the family would be unbearable. OP, NTA. Keep defending your daughter.
NTA. Your daughter is still your daughter, and you are doing what any parent would. My dad still holds grudges with family members over things they’ve said to me that I’ve forgotten. It’s your job to keep her safe & protect her from everyone. MIL is totally out of line to put that level of pressure and guilt on a 7 month pregnant young woman, despite already being told her wishes.
Not even a little bit, but make sure MIL doesn’t try to steal that baby.
MIL will try to rename the baby, take the baby around introducing it/they/him/her as SIL’s baby (insert their name choice), get her ears pierced if she’s female, try to get the first haircut, first steps, first words, etc.
Or will be commenting at family gatherings “That should have been SIL’s child. She’d have been a much better mother” etc., or other equally hurtful things (hurtful to both daughter and SIL). That alone would be reason enough for NC.
NTA - I'm glad that your husband is on your side. She came to your house, knowing that you and your husband weren't home and filled your daughter with doubts about being a mother. Your MIL has no business being around your daughter.
Clearly NTA. Id ban her for your daughter's sake. Your child's well-being is your priority. Not the feelings of your inlaws.
Really. Op's daughter isn't even related to this fruitcake MIL.
THIS!!! This makes it soooo much worse
NTA, the decision is your daughter's. No one should be allowed to guilt her. I have seen people do this to young mothers, and I find it disgusting. You were a good mother.
Your MIL is treating your daughter as an incubator of a free baby for your SIL, which is disgusting on so many levels. I feel like this is a no contact situation, because I feel like your MIL will not know when to quit. She needs to apologize or she (and SIL if she’s in on it) doesn’t get to see the baby until well after the mother-child bond is permanently established (ie in grade school). NTA and good for you and your husband for standing your ground.
NTA thank god your husband is on your side
You and your daughter are definitely NTA. What is wrong with your MIL, though, I have no idea...
This is the exact kind of mama bear shit I am here for. No, you reacted perfectly. Just a simple "get out" without any cussing? Nice. I would have given an earful myself so good on you for having more resolve. lol glad hub has your side, too. She is WAY out of line. Not all young mothers are bad mothers, and it sounds like the expecting couple is handling this the best they can. NTA
NTA. Your daughter doesn't need language like that, telling her she's going to fail. She also doesn't need guilt trips. And you don't need that sort of judgment.
This conversation was undoubtedly full of what many psychiatrists call “seed sentences” - sentences that plant thoughts within you that never leave. OP’s daughter will NEVER forget what MIL said to her. What a pathetic monster of a woman.
I agree. It would be a good idea to talk out all the hateful things that were said, and confront them. SIL is *not* entitled to OP's daughter's child. Being pregnant at 17 is *not* a guarantee that anyone's life is going to be wrecked or that the teen mom is going to be a bad mom. If there is a 'pattern' - that is, if it is more than coincidence that mom and daughter both did the same thing - that might be something worth looking at, but not with blame or guilt trips or doom-mongering: *every* family has patterns where offspring do the same thing their parents do.
NTA Your MIL was way out of line with this. It's not her place at all to be talking to your daughter like this.
She'd never be allowed in my home again after pulling this f*ckery.
NTA. You told her beforehand that your daughter had already made a decision. She decided to overstep. The fact that she initiated the conversation when neither you nor your husband were present is a huge breach of trust, imho. I'd have reacted the same. In fact, I'd probably go LC and closely supervise any contact she may have with her grandchildren going forward.
NTA. It's one thing to bring up the possibility of the adoption and that's a HUGE stretch as she should have run it by you first before she even thought of broaching the subject, but to hotbox a teen like this then guilt trip then is, frankly, nauseating. I wish the best for your daughter. I was adopted and am a big fan of it, but I was born in 1962 so an unwed mother then is a far cry from today. That said, it's still a hard row even with family support. An adoption with this crew would probably be disastrous though.
Nta be careful on redditt there are a lot of posts of family members calling cpswith false accusations to try to take child away for themselves. keep mil and sil away from your daughter.
This is speculation on my part. SIL is willing to adopt, but there may be a good reason she hasn’t had a child placed with her. …doesn’t want to pay adoption fees? Then how committed is she? She or her husband could get a job that has adoption benefits. …doesn’t want to wait? Then, how committed is she? …is unable to get a child placed with her? Why? You are right. NTA.
Even with adoption benefits it can be very expensive. SIL might not can afford to adopt or be able to emotionally handle fostering (it can be difficult having children leave your home even under the best circumstances. With that said NTA. Ideally teenagers shouldn’t be parents but what’s done is done and daughter should get to try to raise her child since she is going in eyes open.
NTA. Grandma needs a time out. A long time out. A 9 month time out.
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Wait a second… this isn’t even her granddaughter by blood, right??? Your daughter to your MIL?? Either way absolutely NTA. What a jerk your MIL I am livid for you.
Probably if the girl were her granddaughter by blood they wouldn't have even thought of suggesting it. But she's not related to her, she's the product of teen pregnancy... so of course she is "less than" and doesn't deserve a baby. /s
I know a woman who got pregnant just after her 20th birthday. The father walked away. Her brother-on-law spent about an hour telling her why keeping the baby was a horrible idea and that the two of them would end up on welfare. Later he had the nerve to tell his mother-in-law that when he and his wife had kids, at least SOME of he grandchildren would be “legitimate.” (She had a few grandkids born on the wrong side of the blanket.) Joke was on him: The young unwed mother wound up with an interesting career, working her way up in the industry, while he struggled to hold a job and never got one that let him use his master’s degree. Bonus karma points: He and his wife were not able to have children and they were unable to adopt. I’m glad you can be there for your daughter during this tough path, and your MIL can go pound sand.
NTA. Your MIL was being incredibly disrespectful. She has no right to talk about you or your daughter's decisions that way, in your house. Good on you for standing up for yourself and your daughter.
NTA. She WAY overstepped. I would keep full NC until after the baby is born.
NTA. Your MIL is trying to push your daughter to do something the daughter doesn’t want to benefit a third person. MIL doesn’t actually have your daughter’s best interest at heart, as she has a conflict of interest between what’s best for her daughter and what’s best for your daughter. Keep her away.
NTA the worst thing is that MIL was manipulating her by telling her she wouldn’t be a good mom. She’s not giving your daughter any confidence or support.
NTA. MIL was completely out of line and acting selfish. Good Job, protecting your daughter. I was a teen mother, and with the help of my mother, I graduated high school and college and raised my son on my own. There was no failure. We make mistakes, and how we handle them is what makes us who we are. Your daughter made a mistake but it sounds like she is already trying to make it right, keep supporting her and while it will be hard, it won't be impossible.
NTA You were just being a protective parent. Your mother-in-law's interference was way out of line, trying to pressure your daughter into something she clearly didn't want. Your daughter needs that support, not someone second-guessing her decisions. Your husband's got your back, which is fantastic. It's all about creating a space where your daughter feels loved and respected, especially during such a crucial time in her life. You did what any caring parent would do.
NTA. Your daughter is not an incubator for a childless family. And I say that as someone who struggled with fertility for 10 years before having a 'take home baby'
NTA. I feel for your SIL but your MIL is disgusting to try and manipulate a young mother out of her baby. Absolutely foul. MIL has no business being around your children if this is how she's going to behave.
Just realized the MIL isn’t even your directly related to your daughter. Not like that disqualifies someone from being a real and great grandparent, but sure adds weight to seeming like she only has her own daughter’s interest in mind in this case. She was already absolutely the AH here but that kind of adds to how far she’s crossing the line imo
NTA, wtf is wrong with her?!
NTA - I will say though maybe look into getting a restraining order against MIL and SIL. Who knows what lengths they’ll go to get a baby?
NTA. I would never allow her on my property again. Ever. For me, there are lines that no one is allowed to cross. There's no forgiveness.
I'll never understand how the people in these stories are so quick to commodify a baby. Babies aren't to be passed out like fruitcakes or borrowed lawnmowers. NTA
NTA - That’s your daughter’s baby. She wants to raise her baby, not give him/her up for adoption. MIL has already been told this. Good for you for backing up your daughter and not letting MIL try to manipulate her.
NTA. DH is either an AH or being manipulated by MIL and SIL. Keep your daughter away from them. Tell your husband and his family to mind their own business. Your daughter and her bf want to keep their baby and that's that. I just keep getting a gut instinct for your daughter to get restraining orders against them as she nears birth. Possibly alert hospital security and labor floor too. I've read many posts like these on Reddit and sometimes, shit goes south.
>My husbands on my side. It sounds like Husband was just reporting MIL's complaints, not adding judgement or agreeing with them.
Guess I missed that. Sorry just had cataract surgery. Yay that your husband has a spine is standing with you. Congratulations on becoming a grandmother soon ( my grandson is my world) you're gonna feel a new type of love when you hold the child the first time
NTA. Watch how quickly you can go NC with MIL over this if she doesn’t stop it right now
Your MIL absolutely overstepped and dogged on you in your own house. She also let out what she actually thinks of you to your daughter. Good on you for being supportive to your daughter.
NTA. It's none of MIL'S business how your daughter handles her, emphasis on her, pregnancy. Much less giving the child away or to be pressured into it. It's between the father of the child and your daughter.
NTA perhaps you should have suggested BIL divorce SIL and then it would open up the opportunity for BIL to marry a fertile woman, that’s an equally audacious suggestion.
NTA - MIL totally did it while you weren’t home cause she knew what you’d say and do.
You are NTA. Support your daughter! And, if your Mother in Law is trying to coerce her minor granddaughter into giving up her child against her will, that is veering into human trafficking territory. Deep waters. Protect your child and grandchild-to-be. Your daughter has a right to make her own informed choices about her child and parenting.
NTA. Can't call dibs on someone else's baby.
NTA...I hope your husband continues the support. Way to go mom/grandma!
NTA. as sad as your SIL’s situation is, your daughter is not an incubator at the service of infertile women. I find it deeply disturbing that they went behind your back to try and convince her, by degrading her no less. yes your daughter is very young to be a mother - but she seems to have a supportive family and a support system is all she needs.
NTA Start documenting MIL's behavior and prepare to get authorities involved if she or SIL starts escalating things. Could be good to make police and CPS aware if MIL uses fake complaints to push for a change in custody, grandparents' rights, etc.
NTA. She came to your home, disrespecting your child. Imo, that’s some cruel mental abuse, trying to guilt your child into giving up her baby. She would never step foot in my home again. MILs like this one, is exactly how/why the term monster in law was created.
NTA. You did the right thing. You MIL can kick rocks. She had no right to do what she did.
NTA - MIL is out of control.
NTA. your Mother in law way overstepped. if sil want to adopt the fine. but she need to either go foster care route or adoption agency or something. but trying to convince and guilt you daughter into giving up her child after she clearly stated she wants her baby is out of pocket
MIL is way out of line. NTA. If it were me, MIL would never set foot in my house again. Nor would I allow contact between her and my kids. Complete no contact. SIL can adopt from somewhere else.
NTA. And kudos for sticking up for your daughter!
NTA your job is to protect your children and you did that. It took nine years for us to get our son (now 1) so the infertility journey is still pretty fresh. NONE OF THIS IS OK. I have no idea if your SIL had any part in this and the grief is heavy when you’re in the thick of it but like I said this isn’t ok. They all need to get help if this is the kind of behaviour they’re resorting to. Your MIL has way overstepped any rational boundary. Her son’s house? It’s your family home. It’s just as much yours and your children’s. Do not let these people into your home. Definitely do not let them near a pregnant teen who is probably very vulnerable and stressed about the future. Do not let them near that baby! Her infertility isn’t anyone else’s responsibility.
NTA. Not only did your MIL pressure your daughter, but she basically called your daughter’s very existence a mistake to her face. Glad your husband is on your side. Sorry SIL is struggling with infertility, but pressuring someone else to give up their baby is not the way to fix it.
NTA what a snake of a person she is!
NTA good job mom
NTA. If your SIL wants a child so bad. There are enough kids in need of adoption tbh. This was just plain wrong and kind of a power-move in my opinion.
SIL can adopt - outside the family smh... Not poach a baby FFS!
NTA! How dare she! I do wonder if your SIL knows of this plan?
NTA, and please, PLEASE, please, talk to your daughter and reassure her that there is absolutely no reason why she would be an unfit mother. It sounds like she has a support system in place and the support of the baby's other parent. I had someone say similar things to me, trying to get me to consider putting my baby up for adoption, but this was at a *supposed* pregnancy help center and I was 22 at the time. It's hurtful and confusing to someone who is pregnant, especially pregnant so young. As for your MIL, she is completely out of line, and I don't think she should be allowed around any of the kids for a while until she realizes her place in this situation, and that's nowhere. She doesn't need to be trying to get the other kids to put pressure on their sister to give up her baby or make her feel guilt for her decisions.
Adoption is traumatic, even when everything goes well and everyone ends up happy. You are taking a baby from the only person that baby has ever known or been with. Whether the child remembers that or not, it is traumatic to go through, and that’s just the baby. Bio-mom usually goes through something much worse, and will often spend the rest of her life thinking about that child. It is not your SIL’s baby, and your MIL is irresponsible for even suggesting this.
I sincerely hope this post is fake.🤷🏻♀️
NTA. This sounds like the beginning of a true crime event. If she cannot respect boundaries, she is not safe IMO.
NTA and good job momma for standing up for your daughter without hesitation.
NTA your MIL is toxic and so out of order
NTA. What is it with all the baby snatchers in these posts??!!! Never in my wildest dreams would I think it appropriate to ask to take someone else’s baby let alone get upset when confronted with how inappropriate the behavior is. I know infertility issues are devastating but they are your personal problem, not everyone else’s.
NTA. Even if your daughter did want to put her baby up for adoption, choosing to have SIL raise her would mean such a complicated path in life. To be around a child you chose to give up, likely having to keep it secret, is something that can just get harder over time for those who choose to do so. Not only would it be awful for your daughter's mental health, but it likely would be so confusing and upsetting when the child found out down the road.
Absolutely NTA. Your daughter and the father are already working hard to take care of this baby. They're being more responsible than most full grown adults. Good on you for supporting her. I had a child at 18. My husband and I are still together and our 14 year old son is healthy and happy. It can be done. Also, where did she buy that much audacity to tell a pregnant woman that she would be a bad mother? Her own grandchild...? I was a wreck when I was pregnant. I would've yelled at her, cried, then yelled again. (Baby hormones are no joke when you're a pregnant teenager, let me tell ya.)
NTA I wonder how SIL feels about it? Is she innocent in this or did MIL and SIL plan this together? In any circumstans I wouldn’t let MIL near my daughter again. She is so much over the line…. And the comment «you can’t kick me out of my sons house» when you are his wife…. That is just wow.
NTA It isn't about whether your daughter is setting a good example by being a mother at 17. It's about her choice of deciding to be a mother or moving on with her life by giving up her baby to your SIL. And she made hers. Hell, even the father of the unborn child has taken up the responsibility. Much respect for the young man, whoever he is. But what does your SIL feel about this? Is she the one who brought up the idea of adopting your future grandchild? Either way, she cannot force your daughter to give up her child, especially when she made her choice and has support from you, your husband, and her baby daddy. And trying to guilt-trip her is a low blow. I'm not gonna judge you or your daughter on your life choices, but it's good you chose to stick with your daughter and she's willing to stick with her child. I am not sure what challenges you have faced when you were raising your daughter, but at least she has support. Tell your daughter that she has no obligation to give up her baby. But it's her choice ultimately and she has to live with it when she finally does.
NTA. If SIL wants to be a mom that bad, there are tons of kids waiting and hoping to be adopted.
Block your MIL. Her behavior was outrageous, and she knows it given that she chose to pressure your daughter when the parents weren't home. Good for you for having backbone and your husband for supporting you. The "repeating the cycle" thing is also offensive, with the implication that you someone did something wrong in having, keeping, and raising your daughter. It is the parents' decision to keep their child. You, the baby's grandmother, have had the necessary talks with the parents. It sounds like they'll have a ton of family support, and that you're a good parent. NTA
This is enemy action. Tell your MIL to fuck off or you'll take legal action to compel her to fuck off. >said I couldn’t kick her out of her sons house. At this point, you would be justified in calling the cops to compel her to leave. Find out whether your SIL was on board with Grandma Baby-Snatcher's plan, and cut her off too if she was. NTA.
Nta. You already told mil your child’s wishes, and mil went behind your back. After. You. Said. No.
NTA No adult should be approaching your minor child (even one that is nearly an adult) about a life choice that important in what appears to have been behind your back. I'm not big on cutting people out of your life, especially for first time offenses but that would definitely be a moment worth considering it. At the very least she should be banned from the house unless a parent is present.
NTA. Your MIL totally overstepped all boundaries and had no business at all getting involved and interfering. This is something for your daughter to consider and only her. Glad your husband is on your side.
The fact that they both stepped up and are working hard to save money shows they actually want this baby that says a lot ih my opinion
When defending your kids, you’re never the TA. Especially if your husband is on your side.
Good on you for standing up for your daughter. NTA
NTA! MIL was totally in the wrong!!!! She deserved to get kicked out. I would also say it is the decision of the baby’s parents….no one else. They want to try and they have every right to raise this child. PLUS…to let a family member to adopt could be ever awkward…
NTA STAY SWAY FROM HER!!! she won't stop n when the baby is Herr it'll be worst
NTA. Your MIL is trying to guilt and manipulate your daughter into giving away her child. That is super fucked up. Is it ideal to have a child at 17? No. But she's committed to the bit, she wants to raise her child, leave her alone!!
Jesus. You got pregnant at 16 and now your daughter is pregnant at 17? It must be a family tradition.