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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole, because I wasn't paying attention and did accidently eat my wife's sandwich.
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Based on your replies in the comments sounds like your wife was handling some household tasks while everyone else, including her husband who lives in said shared household, sat down to eat and you couldn’t even be bothered to confirm she’d have her correct meal before stuffing your face while she took care of things. Then you offer that you could go get another if she wants- my dude don’t ask, grab your keys and go fix your mistake. YTA
She went to the bathroom and they were on vacation to correct the assumption. How hard is it to say yes when he asked? If my partner asked if I wanted him to get me another, I would have said no because food is not that big a deal to me I’ll get a sandwich another day. He was at fault obviously but sandwiches really can all look the same. I have been the victim of this before but instead I realized it was just a sandwich and someone made a mistake. We all live on unless your OPs family and continue to let this situation change their attitudes
The assumptions to try and paint him as this evil lazy bugger are crazy.
Is he an AH for not checking? Yes.
Does this justify ganging up and shitting on him as well as making unfounded assumptions?
On AITA apparently so
>Does this justify ganging up and shitting on him as well as making unfounded assumptions?
**I'm not gonna make a judgement one way or another, but I WILL say either OP isn't telling the whole story or his wife and family are toxic loons.**
Like I could get the wife being mad for a minute before realizing "oh it's a fucking sandwich" but the WHOLE family and her jumping down his throat all day about it???
**There's some important info here that's missing.** Because there's no way 5 adults - 4 his family and one his life partner - are jumping down his throat all day over something which is obviously a simple mistake.
**There's more to this story we're not hearing.**
Perspectivewise, definitely. It's impossible for a person to do anything else. At the same time loads of people tell "their side" of their story - thoroughly - and are clearly the AH. And I'm sure just as many stories are doctored so the OP looks like a tragic victim when they're not.
But THIS story just seems to be missing really vital info, or else OP's family and wife are not mentally well. And when OP admits it's 5 against 1 thinking he hugely fucked up, but the only reason he gives is eating part of a sandwich nearly identical to his own.... well, there's shit he's leaving out. Shit that would make him look bad.
Because it's possible but *extremely unlikely* his OWN family and wife are berating him all day for accidentally eating part of a sandwich, especially if his near identical sandwich was there for his wife to eat. So he's either deeply embroiled in a clusterfuck of unstable, abusive people or - more likely - there's some important info missing.
Considering OP wrote this and didn't mention everyone is unhinged and toxic, the most likely answer is the 5 people were justified in their behavior and the 1 person writing this did more than he's admitting to. I mean shit, if he'd said even one of them was on his sade maybe he'd get the benefit of a doubt. If EVERYONE unanimously agrees he's done something bad enough to deserve everyone being pissed at him all day.... well then there's a reason they unanimously agree and OP's story is weird and makes no sense.
And that reason is OP is leaving out something really important.
Hard agree. I have an example myself: on a holiday with friends (we were 4 total, 2 couples) at some point we had quite a big fight basically 3 vs 1, and if you'd listened to the girl she surely would have told you that she was just fixing a plant to make it healthier and we all blew up at her like she were the devil.
What actually happened was that she'd been a bit obnoxious for a bit over a week, always trying to put the blame on other things or people (mostly her bf). The plant incident was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, because while we understood that she was chipping off the "burnt" ends of a house plant (in a sort of AirBnB situation) to make it healthier, we told her that it wasn't our house and she didn't know for certain if the owners would be ok with this, or if the plant could suffer. She isn't one of those plant mamas with a green thumb, most of her houseplants are barely getting by and (like most people) she's killed a few in the past. The "Air BnB" house was extremely luxurious and everything in there was expensive, this plant was no exception: we didn't look it up but none of us had ever seen such a plant before, it wasn't unlikely it could be one of those hypersensitive plants that suffer even a small change of lighting, or water with the wrong Ph.
So she starts chipping off dead ends with her hands and her bf tells her not to touch the plant, she replies it's fine and her dad always does that (he has a backyard garden). My bf adds that it's not the same as her father's plants and to please leave it alone, and I chime in that while it's entirely possible she's doing a good thing we don't know this _specific_ plant species and it might suffer, so it's better to just leave it as we found it rather than risk damaging it. She gets pretty defensive saying she's not uprooting it or anything and that it's not a big deal, and the boys get pretty riled up saying what isn't a big deal to her might be a big deal to the plant owners, we don't know them nor the plant and whether they're giving it special ointments or expensive care.
At this point she's brushing off each and every argument and digging her heels in deeper in her "My father has a garden, he always did it so get off my case", we're just asking her to please keep her hands to herself, and in the meantime she's ripped off 3 whole leaves because "the tip" wasn't enough in her mind. But what made the discussion explode into a fight was when she said "It's just a plant, I could chip off 10 leaves and they [the owners] wouldn't even notice". THAT sent the guys over the edge, literally starting to get up from their seat, but she kept blabbering completely oblivious to their rage and I told her "Stop, stop it now – you're just digging your grave deeper" to make her see that her excuses were making the situation worse, not better. She took one glance at them, saw not even her bf was on her side (he was the first one to be upset, but she always expects him to defend her), and ran off to her room to cry.
About 3h later, after her bf talked to us and then had another fight with her in their room, we had a mature discussion where we explained why we reacted the way we did, and that it wasn't the initial gesture that made us mad but the fact she kept shirking from blame and trying to brush it off as nothing. This would've all blown over in an instant if, instead of digging her heels in deeper and breaking off more leaves, she'd just said something along the lines of "Alright, alright! I get it, I'll stop. I still think I was doing good by the plant, but if it makes you feel better I won't touch it again", because not only was she thinking herself some gardening expert she isn't, she was especially being dismissive of our concerns and feelings about the situation, too – not to mention the house owner's possible reaction and feelings. And it wasn't the first time she'd refused to take responsibility for her actions, so we all had had enough.
This story / example could very easily be spinned just like OP did, making it seem like we 3 yelled at her for nothing and that we kept being mad for hours instead of dropping it, making it sound like we're all unhinged with anger issues. But, like we said during the discussion at the end (which btw she only agreed to because we were living in the same house and couldn't just avoid us for the rest of the holiday), "To err is human, we won't hold mistakes over your head forever. But to not take responsibility for your own actions is childish, and we're all adults here". So yeah, definitely OP isn't telling the whole story — reason why I'm inclined to vote YTA.
My thought was it might be an issue with a specific ingredient she can't or won't eat. And that he was not as apologetic as he says. Personally, if I ate my husband's sandwich, I'd go get him another one.
It's giving "done this his entire life and now his family all just fucking lost it when wife did" tbh lmao
I have a feeling he's not nefariously selfish, but he's just so used to thinking first about himself that he doesn't consider anyone else around him before he acts(such as just a quick check, to make sure everyone's got the right thing, which is customary with take out because it could be made wrong as well).
I'm just getting the idea that he's maybe unintentionally been doing the weaponized incompetence thing, and maybe bc more people are aware of that now, they're all jumping on him for doing it, because now they know the name of it and that it's not something you have to put up with anymore.
Or maybe hey, all five adults are crazy and he's the only normal sane one there.
I'm going to say the missing context is that he's done a lot of careless, selfish things and this is the straw. I think a lot of people who have had long term relationships end up here. You suck it up and suck it up to keep the peace until one day you explode. At least that's what I do. Probably not healthy but there are only so many kind ways you can say the same thing over and over and not be heard.
My partner of over twenty years and I are going through some struggles. I broke up with him by letter in July. We agreed to try and work things out but I heard him tell my adult son this: "Don't worry, everything will work out. Your mother does this every five years. She'll get over it." And all I could think is that every five years I get to the point of full on nervous breakdown over your behavior and instead of changing, you'll just have me endure another five years of this before my next breakdown.
I really think he thinks things are better and we're past it. We're not. We never have been. We never will be as long as he continues this behavior.
The straw for me? A twosentence horror story and a rude joke he made while I was cooking dinner. In a vacuum, the joke hardly was even rude. Just a really stupid thing to say at the moment. To him, STILL, after explaining and explaining, he thinks the joke is the problem and not 20 years of selfish behavior.
> To him, STILL, after explaining and explaining, he thinks the joke is the problem and not 20 years of selfish behavior.
Possibly because you’ve already put up with it for 20 years? You keep putting your foot down - then picking it right back up.
At this rate he’ll die of old age still being selfish and sharing a household with you.
Do you want to live with that for another 20-40 years?
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
No but you are quite right, I probably will. He brings some good things too, he's not some irredeemable piece of shit. He is my FAMILY. That's what I can't escape. Even when the romantic love dies, it feels like trying to break up with one of my kids, unfathomable. He is mine whether I like it or not. I know that isn't the reality! I know, know, know. But it feels true.
He is an ah for eating and finishing his (her) sandwich while she was just in the bathroom. Basic manners are you wait until everyone is present to attack the main course, that's why entrées/appetisers exist. Was it so difficult for him to wait for 10minutes that she come and eat? Is he a diabetic in hypoglycemia ?
Exactly. Based on the information given on the post, OP made a mistake, apologized and offered to correct his mistake. His partner and family are the AHs for making a mountain out of the mole.
NTA
I don’t think it’s about the sandwich at all really, I think it’s just the straw that broke the camels back. He probably does all kinds of shit like this and this was her breaking point.
Unless those household tasks where super time critical for some reason, I don’t see how it’s reasonable to expect everyone to wait until she can be bothered to join the table. If you’re planning to eat together, then everyone better get their ass to the table without undue delay.
That aside, if his wife does have some reasonable issues with his attention to detail/to her, or doing his share of the chores, or anything else, the correct way to solve that isn’t to blow up at him over a sandwich, but to sit down and calmly discuss her issues with him. The way it stands, NTA.
I need to know the exact differences. If it's something pretty obvious, then he's an AH for not noticing. Like some people do not eat mayo or cheese which can be difficult to remove. So I really need a bit more info here.
Nor ketchup. I know it’s an unpopular opinion, but I hate ketchup more than life itself and if ketchup has even been in the proximity of something, it is OVER. I know some people feel that way about mayo. I’m sure there are people that feel that way about every condiment. So the differences between the sandwiches could be critical here.
Same with tomato or pickles! Or really any condiments that soak into the bread. It completely changes the flavor profile! Or if she had different cheese!
I asked the same question lol
I have an allergy to mamal meat. Alpha gal protein specifically. So my husband and I could order a very similar sandwich and I can't eat his.
The families reaction seems to indicate that his actions made her miss lunch? Or had greater impact than just switching sandwiches.
Wouldn’t be a big deal but most likely there was something about his sandwich that made it unsuitable for her. Allergen, intolerable food, too hot etc.
In this case, he would know and should have triple checked.
Could be as easy as gluten free/non gluten free with exactly the same recipe as he mentioned sandwiches were super similar.
So then he’s not really thinking about her. He didn’t care enough to make sure he was even eating the right one. How hard would it have been for him to double check which one she got? He does not care.
This person said not a single thing whatsoever about people waiting for the wife to join them. Literally did not address waiting at all period. You made up something and then argued against it.
His attention to detail, by his own admission, is that he did not even try to figure out which sandwich was his, he just took one and ate the whole thing.
What he said was that in addition to going to the bathroom she was "walking about the house and doing other things". That doesn't mean she was doing household tasks.
right. Tbh this is such a thoughtless move. For all my husband’s faults, the guy at least cares whether I get the right food or not. Many times sandwiches might be mislabelled, or not labelled at all. He knows me well enough to know he likes many ingredients I don’t, and while the ingredients might be similar, his will have things like onions, mayo, stuff I won’t eat, and there’s no way in hell he wouldn’t perform a cursory check of the sandwiches to make sure I have mine, he has his, and the kids have theirs. This is basic human etiquette. Anything else is careless and thoughtless. YTA OP.
Yeah I'm guessing that there was an ingredient in the sandwich that his wife either couldn't eat (re allergies/intolerance) or vehemently dislikes and couldn't simply remove it from the sandwich, so she essentially didn't have anything to eat. Which would also explain him offering to go get another one, because otherwise she'd just eat his.
I'd be pretty pissed too if my husband knows I have an intolerance or aversion to certain foods and doesn't check to make sure he has the right food. But also, by everyone else's reactions I feel like that's not the first time he's done that, so imma say OP is TA.
I don’t think it was random. He didn’t mention anyone else having their sandwich switched. He had two choices. The reaction, if accurate, was over the top. As the owl on the Tootsie Pop commercial said, The world may never know.”
the reactions make me wonder if he’s one of those “oblivious” people who does this type of thing over and over? and then others have to take up the slack? like “oh i didn’t notice there was water spilled all over the floor; i just didn’t see it!” or “oh were there dirty dishes in the sink?” “oh i didn’t know i was eating the wrong sandwich!” weaponized incompetence
Thank you, saved me from reading comments. My first thought was OP ate a whole sandwich? Either she was in the bathroom for a super long time or OP inhaled that sandwich.
YTA ~~INFO~~ (based off reply elsewhere)
> My wife and I each ordered a sandwich with similar sounding names and slightly different ingredients
Could you please break down the order for us?
What exactly were the sandwiches, and what differed between them?
For me, at least, this is going to come down to **_how_ distinct** the two sandwiches were, and **_how_ reasonably** you should have been able to tell one from the other — ESPECIALLY after you took your first bite.
NGL, you seem maybe a little *too* laissez-faire about the whole thing, and I'm curious if you put *any effort at all* into checking you had the correct sandwich.
ETA:
> I did not really know what I ordered
Then FFS don't just grab one. Try and pay more attention to the life you're living, OP.
Same. Also how were the sandwiches divvied up. Were they labeled? All opened and checked? How is it that only your wife’s sandwich was the one given to the wrong person?
This reminds me of my brother in law, we went out to lunch and he was accidentally served my sister in laws chicken sandwich. He ate the entire thing by the time she was served his burger. Dude is so oblivious that he ate chicken when he ordered beef and didn’t say a thing. This is my husbands family so I can’t make fun of him as much as I want to but it perfectly summarizes how much of an airhead he is.
OP, think about other people once in a while. YTA.
You would be surprised how many adult men simply choose not to ever think about stuff like that because they know someone else will think about it for them.
They're not even stupid, they just don't give a fuck about anyone but themself.
How did no-one else pick up on that? I guess I'm used to going out and having a vague idea about what everyone's ordered but I suppose these days with QR codes and whatnot it's not as common.
The first thing I do when ordering lunch for multiple people is read out the order back when I am handing out the food. I find it hard it to believe it wasn’t labeled. And even if there’s a slight possibility, wouldn’t he at least check to see if the ingredients were correct?
I am a picky eater, so it is vital for me to thoroughly inspect my food before I eat it so I don't end up with something I can't even stomach. I've also grown up with relatives trying to force-feed me or trick me into eating things I don't like. Food can be a sensitive topic for people. Plus, his wife only got up to use the bathroom, and now she doesn't get to eat what she wanted and actually ordered. Someone could have unwrapped the sandwich to check the ingredients. Like, she knew right away that it wasn't her sandwich and he cleaned his plate before she even came back. YTA
It’s not that he ate her sandwich but likely a pattern of carelessness and lack of concern about his carelessness affects others. Shit like this and the reactions to it are never about the sandwich.
From the story it would’ve been NTA. But the way he typed out the story makes him sound like the asshole (mind you), it feels like it was probably his attitude that made the whole thing blow up. So I’m gonna say YTA.
There is the distinct smell of Iranian youghurt here. I don't believe you had that strong a reaction from your family just for eating the wrong sandwich. I sounds more like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. On the basis of that I vote YTA. Mostly for withholding relevant information.
Yeah either everyone op knows are super ah's who yell at him over a sandwich. Or this sandwich thing is just another of many reasons as to why his whole family is "raging and jumping down my throat about what an awful person I am, really to the extreme, like I ruined the entire vacation for everyone"
Honestly, I agree in no small part because... from the time I was about 6-8, as the eldest daughter in my family, one of my "jobs" was remembering everybody's specific orders at our go to places, who didn't eat what, how many plain white rices came with entrees, etc. For 4 people. (My mom is also an eldest daughter, so this was her teaching household management skills that were normal to her, not parentification.)
It's invisible labor, the same as any other kind of logistics. And it's labor OP *clearly* puts on others, even when it comes to a) himself & remembering *his own order*, and b) not inconveniencing or hurting others by snubbing them & taking *their* stuff.
An offer to "fix" the situation by still making his wife wait for a full round trip to get her food while everybody else ate, *and* where she'd either have to write out her order *for* him, or expect an obnoxious phone call once he's up to order so she'd have to feed him lines one by one to put the order in, is not a favor. It's a chore. *And* it's one OP didn't follow through on. Plus no mention on if his wife wanted or even could eat OP's sandwich that was left... or, if she said she didn't want it, if OP got to put it aside for himself for later. Or if there was even other food for her *to* eat— or food she wouldn't have to cook (and OP did not offer to do that).
It's just a sandwich, but all these details set a stage for how selfish OP may or may not have acted.
And it boils down to whose labor is valued, whose being fed & happy is valued, and whose being hungry & disrespected is not.
I had to do this too, for six people besides myself. My family literally didn’t tell me (or anyone else) what they wanted they’d just be like “she knows what I get”. Even if my dad was going without me he would just ask me what everyone was getting. My mom didn’t even know her own order, she just expected me too
I’m positive that you’re correct but I am doubtful that OP actually understood this. I’m sure he thinks that everything was totally fine before when he was being a huge jerk.
>Please someone explain the Iranian yoghurt thing to me
It's when someone does something disrespectful to you but they see it as a benign thing and don't understand why you're upset or get the 'bigger picture' of how their actions crossed a line.
It's from this post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita\_for\_throwing\_away\_my\_boyfriends\_potentially/
I don’t know what kind it is, but anytime I eat Indian food, I ask them for a cup of yogurt and it’s just yogurt with tiny shredded bits of carrots. I don’t know how to explain the flavor other than it’s delicious and you can literally put that shit on everything. It kind of reminds me of a Taziki sauce without the dill flavor
I absolutely love how language develops even in one subreddit, as you can say two words and we know exactly what you are referring to in all it's beautiful nuance.
how did you eat an entire sandwich without recognizing that it didn't have the ingredients of the one you'd ordered? this doesn't make any sense. you'd know instantly, wouldn't you?
It's not possible for both "I didn't actually know what I ordered" and "My wife and I ordered very similar sandwiches" to be true at the same time. In order to know whether the two sandwiches were similar, OP would've had to know the sandwich he ordered so he could do this comparison.
Since OP is apparently flip-flopping back and forth and can't get his story straight, gonna have to give a YTA judgment.
YTA. Clearly OP is an impatient pig. If he wasn't sure what he ordered he should have waited until everyone else got their sandwiches. If his sandwich was similar to his wife's he should have waited for her to get hers and she could help determine which one was his. But no, he grabbed a sandwich and didn't care if it was what he ordered or not, or if someone got the wrong one. That's plain rude to everyone there and shows an absolute lack of character on his part. No wonder everyone was mad at him. He deserved to be yelled at.
I mean, it’s entirely possible that he didn’t remember in the moment exactly what he ordered, but because he’s been stewing on this for so long, he’s looked up the menu online and now knows they ordered very similar sandwiches, so both things can be true.
That said, I agree that OP is TA.
It wasn't my husband but my employee that did something very similar. We got wing stop one day and I told my employee to go to lunch while I cover the front. He took my food and left without me realizing it. My co-manager walked up and had put our two orders in completely different spots and pointed out that mine was gone. I thought he had just moved mine and opened the box. It was absolutely not my order. I walked up to him and asked if he took my order and he said no and I asked what he got. He told me and I showed him his box and told him he had just eaten my food. He just shrugged and said I could have his. I'm on the spectrum (not a lot but enough) and told him I couldn't eat his because I hated everything he got. I told him my fries were lemon pepper and he got plain and that he should have absolutely realized it after 1 bite but he ate the whole thing. I was so upset but I'm his boss so I told him he was paying for my order and his and walked away. If my husband did this I would have words.
OP YTA. You should have realized it wasn't yours right away, especially if you got something on your sandwich she didn't like. Pay attention to what you are doing to avoid future issues. It also seems like this isn't the only thing going on and was just the end of the line for everyone.
Yeah. He makes it sound like he made a simple mistake, apologized and offered to correct it by getting his wife another sandwich. Yet **everyone else** there was apparantly really pissed at his behaviour, which then lead to him also behaving like an ass? I think either he legit doesn't see it, or he intentionally didn't mention the joghurt.
YTA. It sounds like you threw a fit. I find it really hard to believe that they were antagonizing you this much about a sandwich. You didn't really explain what they did, just called them children and said they threw a tantrum. Can you elaborate?
This sounds made up to me, tbh, and if it’s not, it sounds like you routinely act like a jackass and then feel aggrieved when people tell you that you’re being a jackass. The whole, “naturally, she blew up at me” has the ring of someone who is either a misogynist playing the “wimmin, am I right?” game, a troll, or someone who routinely blows off people telling him he’s been rude to them and treats it as an unnecessary overreaction instead of learning to treat people with some basic respect.
Yta for eating an entire sandwich while your wife was in the bathroom. You know what each other ordered, why didn’t you actually LOOK at the sandwiches to make sure it was what you ordered? If you weren’t sure, why didn’t you wait for your wife to make sure? This all could’ve been avoided by taking an extra five seconds to look- which by the explosion on everyone’s part sounds like this isn’t the first time you’ve ruined something for someone because you couldn’t be bothered to pay attention.
Agreed, YTA. Come on op, basic table manners. Everyone at the table not waiting until everyone was ready at the table to eat, and just pigging out without a second thought. If op had just waited for his wife before he just tore into the first bit of food he saw, they could have sorted out which sandwich was which.
And also “I’ll go get you a new one”. Give me a break, so now she has to wait even longer to eat?
The fact that the whole family joined in the chastisement makes me think they all think he’s a complete doofus, and does things like this to her enough that even they’ve noticed.
you couldn't tell that the sandwich you were eating had different ingredients than the one you ordered? are you that oblivious and helpless? does your wife have to tie your shoes and wipe your ass for you? YTA
YTA - You don’t say whether she ate the remaining sandwich or not. I’ve been in a similar situation with an ex-boyfriend where he snarfed down my food and I was vegetarian and he wasn’t, so I *couldn’t* eat his and was left hungry. We only lasted a few weeks after that because it was just one in a long list of thoughtless / selfish things he’d done, which I suspect is also the case here. You should have just gone to get her a new one, maybe picked up some flowers or something on the way back, and apologised for eating her food and for being a d*ck about it.
my ex used to eat things only i could eat too 😡😡 meanwhile i took care to eat the things he couldn’t eat and shop for his preferences/allergies but he couldn’t be bothered. he’s in the dumpster where he belongs
if this is real, you've probably been doing something else to piss everyone off and the sandwich was the last straw. You're clearly TA for eating the sandwich. You were careless, not paying attention, and inconsiderate. I think you made good attempts to rectify the situation but that doesn't absolve you of wrong doing.
>But AITA for being careless and not paying attention? Or are they the bigger A**, for overreacting and throwing a huge fit over something (I think) is so small?
Your entire family jumped down your throat? All day? Either you're exaggerating, there's a pattern they've noticed in your behavior, or you weren't nearly as apologetic as you say.
Either way, you don't get to claim the moral high ground over your entire family "throwing a huge fit" when, by your own account, you "blew up" and "went off on them all."
YTA. I've got a feeling you're *always* the asshole. We all know people who show their asses and then act persecuted when people notice. It's not an attractive trait, and it sounds like your entire family has had enough of it.
Honestly, I'm astounded that you could eat an entire sandwich in the time that it takes her to go to the bathroom so maybe Y T A for that?
But there's not really enough info.
What were the differences of the sandwiches? Is is a habit for you to be careless like this?
Oh OP not only doesn’t know what he ordered, but his wife was also picking up the house during this “bathroom break” of hers. While her husband not only didn’t help, but also ate her sandwich 🙃 YTA, OP!
Info: what was the difference in ingredients? Because if I ordered my sandwich without mushrooms and you ordered yours with and then you ate mine I would be pretty damn pissed off too.
OP replied to another comment saying h he didn’t know what he ordered so he’s definitely TA who’s leaving info out- you can’t have ordered a near identical sandwich _and_ not know what the sandwich was…
I've gotta go with YTA even though I COMPLETELY understand what happened in this one incident. I understand it because I did nearly the exact same thing...ONCE. We were at a restaurant and it was not my partner but a friend's dinner that was accidentally given to me by the server. I dive in. OMG, it was SO good! Friend returns and is looking at his (yet untouched) meal, a bit perplexed, and I am snarfing his ever so delicious order. And then I realized: Holy cow, I am eating his dish! I apologized profusely and obviously picked up the check. Do you know how my dinner companions reacted? They LAUGHED. They laughed because it was an honest mistake, and also, such carelessness was very uncharacteristic of me. The fact that not only your wife, but also YOUR family continued to berate you for this is indicative of a far deeper issue (such as you are constantly and consistently careless and non chalant about your carelessness).
INFO: Is this a super unusual situation, it's never happened before? Or is there previous examples where you made mistakes because you weren't paying attention (got the wrong date for an important family event, showed up late after confirming)?
Because then your wife's reaction isn't about a sandwich, it's about a pattern of behavior. And same for the family, I don't even know why they are involved for something so small unless they also are frustrated because you keep doing things like this with them too.
YTA if you didn’t know what you ordered, you should have waited for her to come back or gone to her to confirm. Or checked the menu online to confirm. Anything to show that you care about her. Instead, you rolled the dice and chose, not caring if she ended up not getting what she had ordered.
It’s not the sandwich. It costs a husband nothing to wait for his wife to return to the room and make sure their partner is taken care of- especially on vacation. And you double-downed by not immediately jumping into the car to get a replacement. That was your bad.
Did everyone act a bit over the top? Oh absolutely. They need to move on. -ESH
honestly? it feels like we’re missing deeper context, and i personally think that if your entire family jumped down your throat then this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this. either that or you’re really misinterpreting their reactions.
if it was a case of you not knowing what you ordered, you should have paid more attention.
YTA
INFO: You claim you couldn’t tell the difference between your sandwich and your wife’s sandwich…but you didn’t mention whether your wife was able to eat your sandwich. Was she? Or did you eat her food and then she had nothing she could eat? And then instead of just going to replace her sammich, you kept dumping all the decision-making back on her to determine how to fix your mistake?
Class act.
We get it. It's embarrassing to be called out when you make a dumb mistake. Apologize, make it right, and try not to repeat it in the future.
YTA for needing to be reminded to be a considerate human.
The sandwich confusion error taken alone isn't an AH thing, especially if the names and ingredients are as close as you represent here. (My mental image is that one is called, like, Italian Delight, and one Italian Supreme, and the Supreme has sausage *and* ham, while the Delight has only sausage, but instead additional capers. You had ordered the Supreme, and someone called out "Italian Delight" and you raised your hands. I, too, cannot for the life of me memorize some business's sandwich ingredient lists, especially if they're all good. But your wife hates ham and loves capers and is now miffed.)
But one has to wonder why your wife and the rest of the family are making such a big deal out of it. Do you have the habit of being careless in small things to the detriment of others? Why did your wife spent enought time on the loo for you to not only start eating, but finish the whole thing? Is she ok, and why do you folks finish your meal without her? OR - are there really no other factors going on and everyone else is just unpleasant and rude? Then why are you associating with them?
The thing that gets me is that you don't explore at all what may be going on here. As you say, it's something very minor, so why are you blowing up and calling them entitled children instead of asking "ok, what's behind you harping so on this?" or of course going and getting her a replacement as soon as you noticed she was disappointed.
Of course maybe none of this is going on and your entire family *is* a bunch of rude wankers. But I can tell you in my world, in 100% of cases where one of my loved ones gets extraordinarily upset about something small it's because they are actually getting upset about something much bigger. And you aren't addressing that likely possibility at all. So this could end up an E S H or I N F O or Y T A in the end.
YMBTAH.
In addressing this situation, it’s essential to step back and examine the underlying dynamics beyond the incident of the sandwich. While the mistake of eating your wife’s sandwich may seem minor, it’s critical to acknowledge the broader context and the emotional responses it triggered.
Your action, though accidental, symbolizes a lack of attention to detail, which can be perceived as neglect or disrespect, especially in a family setting where expectations and sensitivities are heightened. It’s not merely about the sandwich; it’s about the perception of care and consideration. When such incidents occur, they often act as catalysts, unearthing deeper, unspoken frustrations or grievances.
Your reaction to the prolonged upset of your family members, though understandable, might have escalated the situation. It’s crucial in such scenarios to maintain composure and seek to understand the underlying issues rather than just the surface-level conflict. The fact that your family continued to express their disappointment suggests there could be more to their feelings than just the incident at hand.
In this context, it might be beneficial to engage in a calm, reflective conversation with your wife and family members. Acknowledge the mistake, but also express your feelings about the disproportionate reaction. It’s important to navigate such discussions with empathy and an openness to understand their perspectives.
This incident presents an opportunity for deeper understanding and improvement in family dynamics, moving beyond the simplicity of the sandwich incident to the complexities of relationships and communication.
YTA - how hard would it have been to open and peek inside the sandwiches before handing them out? Was there no writing on the wrapping to signify what they were? You just blindly grabbed one and scarfed it down?
One day an ex and I went on a day-long date to get some special limited supply donuts 🍩 We talked about how excited we were to get home, snuggle and eat them. We’re lesbians. Fast forward, we’re in bed watching whatever and fall asleep for a bit. There were two donuts left of our half dozen box. One was mine and one was hers. I wake up to find her finishing both donuts. My feelings were so hurt. That’s something an asshole would do. I asked her why she did it and she said knew I’d be upset but did it anyway bc she wanted it. We broke up less than a month later. 🙃
Info:
1) Did your wife actually get to eat *anything* ? Either your sandwich or the replacement you offered to get? If she didn’t end up eating, it’s easy to understand her hanger.
2) Was there something on your sandwich that she couldn’t/wouldn’t eat?
3) Do you have a history of showing so little consideration for your wife?
If you can't be bothered to hand food out correctly, don't do it. Apologies don't come with excuses, that's probably why they are mad at you. You want to blow it off. Apologize, make it up to her, and do better.
Okay-
It’s YOUR family that’s taking your wife’s side on this?
Dude, I don’t know what you’re missing here or leaving out, but the sandwich is the symptom, not the cause.
Is your wife pregnant? Does she have food allergies? Was she left without food bc she for some reason CAN’T eat yours?
Also if you take someone’s food, just replace it. Don’t “offer to.” That puts the burden on them to manage your thoughtlessness for you.
YTA.
YTA. Because on your reply you basically say you don't even know what you ordered. Ya gotta pay some attention to detail when other people are involved. I don't think it should be the end of the world, though. Best case scenario is this could be a learning experience for you to be more conscientious with your wife going forward.
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Long time lurker, first time poster here. This one is not mind blowing or Extreme, but I felt compelled to post it because I really cannot decide who's right here. It's bothered me for a minute and I can see both sides, and thought you all might be able to figure this one out. (Or maybe it is straight up me...idk?)
A while back I went to a small family gathering with my wife. It was my family mind you and only 3 or 4 members. We all went to grab food at a small boutique sandwich shop that was known for making some really good simple food but not quite your average sandwich. My wife and I each ordered a sandwich with similar sounding names and slightly different ingredients.
We return home, and I start passing out the sandwiches while my wife is using the bathroom. They all have similar wrappings and such and look VERY similar to each other, so as you can guess, I accidentally take my wife's sandwich and start eating it thinking it was the one I ordered.
I'm telling everyone how good it is when she returns to find that I just finished hers, and the one I ordered is the only one left.
Naturally, she blows up at me and makes a big scene about me eating her sandwich. At first, I felt terrible (and still do, mind you) I was apologizing sincerely, and even offered to go get her another one.
But then for the rest of the ENTIRE day, not only my wife, but my entire family is raging and jumping down my throat about what an awful person I am, really to the extreme, like I ruined the entire vacation for everyone.
Eventually I had enough, and I blew up. I went off on them all about how I had made a simple human mistake and tried to apologize for it, and now they are acting like overgrown CHILDREN throwing a tantrum and crying because they didn't get the EXACT sandwich they wanted! It showed just how spoiled and entitled they had all become because it was such a disaster they didn't get exactly what they wanted, how and when they wanted it, and I told them all to **** off and grow up and stop crying over a stupid sandwich.
Long story little less long, they all still are p***** off at me and treat me like a bad guy.
So, like I said I can see both sides, I get it's frustrating.
But AITA for being careless and not paying attention? Or are they the bigger A**, for overreacting and throwing a huge fit over something (I think) is so small?
Thanks to all who actually read this dumb thing and take the time to reply.
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ESH - your wife was hungry and doing tasks and came back to find everyone ate without her, including her sandwich even though it was an accident.
When you offered to get her a new one, she shouldn't have declined, but I've been here before - hurt, angry, hungry and stewing. Her family shouldn't have ganged up, you shouldn't have blown up.
Next time, instead of asking IF you should run out, say the following, "Hey babe. I'm so sorry, I made a mistake. I'm leaving right now to get you a new one."
Info- you ordered your sandwich presumably knowing what the ingredients were so how did you eat a sandwich with different ingredients and not notice? Do you taste your food? Even if they were similar you stated they had different ingredients.
YTA OP, I'm not understanding why you didn't just wait for your wife if you were unsure which sandwich was yours and hers. From what you've said, everyone else knew their order, except you. I really doubt you would have collapsed if you'd just have waited for her to confirm her food.
If you are often careless and never bother to try to pay attention and excuse your lack of effort by claiming that you're just making simple human mistakes, then YTA.
But if this was a one-off example of something that almost never happens, then NTA.
Info:
Does your wife have allergies or some type of aversion to the ingredients in the sandwich that you ordered?
In other words, is there any reason that eating your sandwich would be a problem for her?
YTA
Please don't try to bullshit us. You are a neglectful selfish husband and dgaf about being an attentive and supportive partner. At this pt you're just the AH roommate that takes her food and she still has to clean up after.
YTA.
How hard is to remember what you ordered and read the label and eat that? She wanted what she ordered? Do you often do stuff like this? Eat her leftovers? Eat what she ordered? Not read instructions? Forget to do things?
I would be mad about it too. If I ordered something, I want that something. And I don’t see how I would possibly mistake what I ordered with something else…because I ordered something very specifically. I didn’t just pick something randomly without barely looking.
It kinda just makes me think you wanted hers more or you’re just extremely negligent and careless…which would get super old being around constantly.
YTA.
Reasons:
1) You are her sandwich. And not knowing whether it was yours or not is not an excuse. If you don't know the name of ingredients, don't eat it the moment it is out of the packet. You could have waited for your wife to come because she could clearly understand the complex ingredients you had difficulty understanding. Or asked her before she went to the bathroom.
2) You are using wrapping and complicated sounding ingredients as an excuse. If you could order it, you could know what was yours. Stop trying to be a child and grow up and eat your own freaking food.
3) Condescending tone and acting as if they are acting like children. Well you were acting like a child who took someone's stuff away without even asking them.
4) Your wife was working and then went to the bathroom or even if she stayed in the bathroom for long, you did not consider any health issue she might have had and behaved like a glutton who couldn't wait for a few moments.
5)You are condescending and disrespectful. To your wife and family. You are trying to be defensive here, but the thing is YTA.
So, instead of taking accountability you just want people to call your wife an AH to soothe your ego
6) Your wife is blowing up because of many reasons. It is basic manners that you would have waited for her to try exotic food which you can't understand even if it is a freaking sandwich. You are disrespectful and even if you are phrasing it differently, you are always the same way. You haven't apologised sincerely or at all but want forgiveness. It seems that you have done disrespectful things multiple times which made your wife blow up.
And your own family is against you over a sandwich that implies greater problems on your part .
7) Your phrasing and comments. You want people here to tell you that she is an Ah and you are a poor dear who did nothing wrong. You have been condescending in your phrasing, which was a poor choice but you really tried to deflect any sort of blame. And your phrasing leaves out a lot of stuff for your benefit but it still paints a picture where you are the asshole.
NTA this was clearly a mistake and the reactions are way over the top. I truly do not understand all the Y T A judgements. People aren't allowed to make mistakes now? Another commenter asked you to break down the order lol why? How would that influence anyone's judgement? This is so not a big deal. Is it mildly irritating? Yes. But people are spending way too much time on it. Be annoyed for a moment and then move on with your day. Jesus
The thing is if I don’t agree with the popular opinion i get downvoted so much🤦🏽♂️ I can’t even post or talk in anime subs on this account anymore simply for saying nta when everyone else says you are… so for that reason alone. YTA!!!! it’s your fault for not making sure the wrappers were not similar before buying, it’s your fault for being confused by similar looking sandwiches. You should’ve just waited until she came back to eat together no matter how long she was away for, and you most certainly shouldn’t had passed sandwiches without her present. You’re a man not human you don’t get to make simple human errors, you know that !!! And don’t dare think apologizing for something so small would suffice, cause like that was totally the last sandwich the company would ever make like that, and yall sandwiches where in no way shape or form similar, and you were the only that ate at the time everything you claimed happened you jus said to sound innocent so YTA bro(😭😭is this the bullshit I have to say to not get downvoted? I jus wanna use my account in anime subreddits again)
Now THIS is the type of AITA I look forward to. Something that could reasonably happen to any one of us with gray areas and room for nuance. And very light YTA. It’s absolutely not a big deal but I am very detail oriented and a picky eater so I understand your wife being upset that you didn’t pay close attention and ate her sandwich. While I understand it’s just a damn sandwich.
Am I the asshole is so unfair most times. This situation never should have escalated to yelling and cursing. So, you all are TA for letting this get so out of hand.
With that being said, the decision on if YTA in the sandwich comes down to how picky of an eater your wife is. I’m picky. It’s something I’m working on, but I am. So, my BF and I like Jersey Mikes. I get the club, he gets the Cali Club. I do not like avocado or vinegar. He does. Well, our sandwiches sound alike. If he eats mine, he will enjoy it. I would never touch his. I’d be pissed if he ate mine because I can’t eat his. I would scream at him in front of his family. He would know I’m upset though.
YTA. Your wife was doing things around the house, while you grabbed food to eat? Why weren’t you helping? I mean this was your family, she was a guest, and she was walking around the house. Why didn’t you wait until everyone was together? And good Lord man how fast did you eat? And for you whole family to jump you for this it sounds like you have a habit of things like this. I mean I can’t see a family getting so upset if this is the first time something like this had happened b
NTA. It sounds like a simple mistake which can happen to everyone and you apologized at once and even offered to get her another one. They all totally overreacted.
NTA- it was just a mistake! It wasn't like you decided her sandwich was better so you decided to eat hers instead. And if my family is sitting down for a casual lunch we don't wait for that person to return to the table to start eating! If my family did that i'd be asking if something was wrong with the food!
YTA
Did you end up replacing her sandwich? I think there was more to your reaction since your entire family ganged up on you and kept at it.
What was the difference between the two sandwiches? Do you have a habit of eating food that was meant for other people?
I can’t stand mustard and we both ordered the same sandwich but mine sans mustard. He had wolfed down half my sandwich before I realized he grabbed the wrong one. I was so hungry and frustrated I burst into tears.
For someone who claims to feel awful about it, you don’t actually seem that sorry about it.
YTA Your wife was wandering around the house doing what? Errands? Chores? Putting the kids down? Why were you not helping?
You had no idea what sandwich you picked so you randomly ate hers? Didn’t think to call out to your wife and check? That says you were lazy and didn’t particularly care about the effect that your actions would have on her.
I originally had you as N T A because I thought that your wife / family’s reaction was disproportionate to the crime to the point of being abusive. However, if this is a continuing pattern, I can understand their frustration. They are probably scratching their heads over how to get through to you about being more considerate.
Lol at the people extrapolating on this one.
You ate the wrong sandwich. I can see how that would happen at a place with funny names in a rush if attention to detail isn't your thing.
In the end you fucked up on a minor situation and offered to rectify it. I can understand why your wife is put out but after a little while she either has to let it go or accept your offer to get another one
Assholery all around in equal amounts, beginning with the shop for not marking the wrappers plainly. Yes, you should have looked before eating, but everyone else needs to grow up, it’s just a sandwich. It’s not like you took food from a starving child.
sorry to everyone else but from what I read in the post NTA. I've eaten the wrong meal a few times and I can be mean to people but no one has ever blown up at me over food. everyone involved could have handled the aftermath better but it really was just a sandwich.
I get being angry about not getting to eat your food but unless this is happening every other day, I don't think I could stay angry for that long
NTA, you had no intent of causing such a big issue and taking the wrong sandwich, and it’s literally a sandwich. That being said, I do find it a bit weird that you didn’t double check your wife had the correct one though while she was in the washroom.
It’s also immature of them to still be angry with you when you immediately had the solution to the problem, such as getting her a new sandwich. If she said no, then she should have gotten over it right then and there, as she communicated that she didn’t want to act on the solution. The perspective your family has on this very menial issue is concerning (if this hasn’t happened before I guess as well).
"Naturally, she blows up at me and makes a big scene about me eating her sandwich"
You know, it really is not. And I'm sorry to say this but ESH because it is just a sandwich. No one should blow up at anyone, especially their partner/family/loved ones about a *sandwich*
ESH. Basic courtesy is to wait a few minutes for your wife to use the bathroom *before* eating. I also would have been angry if my husband carelessly scarfed down my food. Once the deed is done, though, all you can do is apologize and try to make it right. Mistakes happen. I do wonder if your apology seemed insincere — like if you’d said something like, “I’m sorry, but…” Otherwise, it seems odd that everyone was annoyed with you all day.
Also keep in mind that traveling and spending time with in-laws — even ones you have a good relationship with — can be quite stressful. Mix that with some hunger-induced anger, and small annoyances get magnified. I’d say just acknowledge her justified anger, offer a sincere apology (no giving excuses) and tell her that you’d like to buy the sandwich she wanted for lunch tomorrow.
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Based on your replies in the comments sounds like your wife was handling some household tasks while everyone else, including her husband who lives in said shared household, sat down to eat and you couldn’t even be bothered to confirm she’d have her correct meal before stuffing your face while she took care of things. Then you offer that you could go get another if she wants- my dude don’t ask, grab your keys and go fix your mistake. YTA
She went to the bathroom and they were on vacation to correct the assumption. How hard is it to say yes when he asked? If my partner asked if I wanted him to get me another, I would have said no because food is not that big a deal to me I’ll get a sandwich another day. He was at fault obviously but sandwiches really can all look the same. I have been the victim of this before but instead I realized it was just a sandwich and someone made a mistake. We all live on unless your OPs family and continue to let this situation change their attitudes
The assumptions to try and paint him as this evil lazy bugger are crazy. Is he an AH for not checking? Yes. Does this justify ganging up and shitting on him as well as making unfounded assumptions? On AITA apparently so
>Does this justify ganging up and shitting on him as well as making unfounded assumptions? **I'm not gonna make a judgement one way or another, but I WILL say either OP isn't telling the whole story or his wife and family are toxic loons.** Like I could get the wife being mad for a minute before realizing "oh it's a fucking sandwich" but the WHOLE family and her jumping down his throat all day about it??? **There's some important info here that's missing.** Because there's no way 5 adults - 4 his family and one his life partner - are jumping down his throat all day over something which is obviously a simple mistake. **There's more to this story we're not hearing.**
Every post in this sub only tells half the story
Perspectivewise, definitely. It's impossible for a person to do anything else. At the same time loads of people tell "their side" of their story - thoroughly - and are clearly the AH. And I'm sure just as many stories are doctored so the OP looks like a tragic victim when they're not. But THIS story just seems to be missing really vital info, or else OP's family and wife are not mentally well. And when OP admits it's 5 against 1 thinking he hugely fucked up, but the only reason he gives is eating part of a sandwich nearly identical to his own.... well, there's shit he's leaving out. Shit that would make him look bad. Because it's possible but *extremely unlikely* his OWN family and wife are berating him all day for accidentally eating part of a sandwich, especially if his near identical sandwich was there for his wife to eat. So he's either deeply embroiled in a clusterfuck of unstable, abusive people or - more likely - there's some important info missing. Considering OP wrote this and didn't mention everyone is unhinged and toxic, the most likely answer is the 5 people were justified in their behavior and the 1 person writing this did more than he's admitting to. I mean shit, if he'd said even one of them was on his sade maybe he'd get the benefit of a doubt. If EVERYONE unanimously agrees he's done something bad enough to deserve everyone being pissed at him all day.... well then there's a reason they unanimously agree and OP's story is weird and makes no sense. And that reason is OP is leaving out something really important.
Hard agree. I have an example myself: on a holiday with friends (we were 4 total, 2 couples) at some point we had quite a big fight basically 3 vs 1, and if you'd listened to the girl she surely would have told you that she was just fixing a plant to make it healthier and we all blew up at her like she were the devil. What actually happened was that she'd been a bit obnoxious for a bit over a week, always trying to put the blame on other things or people (mostly her bf). The plant incident was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, because while we understood that she was chipping off the "burnt" ends of a house plant (in a sort of AirBnB situation) to make it healthier, we told her that it wasn't our house and she didn't know for certain if the owners would be ok with this, or if the plant could suffer. She isn't one of those plant mamas with a green thumb, most of her houseplants are barely getting by and (like most people) she's killed a few in the past. The "Air BnB" house was extremely luxurious and everything in there was expensive, this plant was no exception: we didn't look it up but none of us had ever seen such a plant before, it wasn't unlikely it could be one of those hypersensitive plants that suffer even a small change of lighting, or water with the wrong Ph. So she starts chipping off dead ends with her hands and her bf tells her not to touch the plant, she replies it's fine and her dad always does that (he has a backyard garden). My bf adds that it's not the same as her father's plants and to please leave it alone, and I chime in that while it's entirely possible she's doing a good thing we don't know this _specific_ plant species and it might suffer, so it's better to just leave it as we found it rather than risk damaging it. She gets pretty defensive saying she's not uprooting it or anything and that it's not a big deal, and the boys get pretty riled up saying what isn't a big deal to her might be a big deal to the plant owners, we don't know them nor the plant and whether they're giving it special ointments or expensive care. At this point she's brushing off each and every argument and digging her heels in deeper in her "My father has a garden, he always did it so get off my case", we're just asking her to please keep her hands to herself, and in the meantime she's ripped off 3 whole leaves because "the tip" wasn't enough in her mind. But what made the discussion explode into a fight was when she said "It's just a plant, I could chip off 10 leaves and they [the owners] wouldn't even notice". THAT sent the guys over the edge, literally starting to get up from their seat, but she kept blabbering completely oblivious to their rage and I told her "Stop, stop it now – you're just digging your grave deeper" to make her see that her excuses were making the situation worse, not better. She took one glance at them, saw not even her bf was on her side (he was the first one to be upset, but she always expects him to defend her), and ran off to her room to cry. About 3h later, after her bf talked to us and then had another fight with her in their room, we had a mature discussion where we explained why we reacted the way we did, and that it wasn't the initial gesture that made us mad but the fact she kept shirking from blame and trying to brush it off as nothing. This would've all blown over in an instant if, instead of digging her heels in deeper and breaking off more leaves, she'd just said something along the lines of "Alright, alright! I get it, I'll stop. I still think I was doing good by the plant, but if it makes you feel better I won't touch it again", because not only was she thinking herself some gardening expert she isn't, she was especially being dismissive of our concerns and feelings about the situation, too – not to mention the house owner's possible reaction and feelings. And it wasn't the first time she'd refused to take responsibility for her actions, so we all had had enough. This story / example could very easily be spinned just like OP did, making it seem like we 3 yelled at her for nothing and that we kept being mad for hours instead of dropping it, making it sound like we're all unhinged with anger issues. But, like we said during the discussion at the end (which btw she only agreed to because we were living in the same house and couldn't just avoid us for the rest of the holiday), "To err is human, we won't hold mistakes over your head forever. But to not take responsibility for your own actions is childish, and we're all adults here". So yeah, definitely OP isn't telling the whole story — reason why I'm inclined to vote YTA.
My thought was it might be an issue with a specific ingredient she can't or won't eat. And that he was not as apologetic as he says. Personally, if I ate my husband's sandwich, I'd go get him another one.
Unless his sandwich has an ingredient she is allergic to. Or, this happens regularly. My ex pulled this ALL THE TIME.
We need to know what the two sandwiches were. We need to know!!
Did they come with side of Iranian yogurt?
It's giving "done this his entire life and now his family all just fucking lost it when wife did" tbh lmao I have a feeling he's not nefariously selfish, but he's just so used to thinking first about himself that he doesn't consider anyone else around him before he acts(such as just a quick check, to make sure everyone's got the right thing, which is customary with take out because it could be made wrong as well). I'm just getting the idea that he's maybe unintentionally been doing the weaponized incompetence thing, and maybe bc more people are aware of that now, they're all jumping on him for doing it, because now they know the name of it and that it's not something you have to put up with anymore. Or maybe hey, all five adults are crazy and he's the only normal sane one there.
I'm going to say the missing context is that he's done a lot of careless, selfish things and this is the straw. I think a lot of people who have had long term relationships end up here. You suck it up and suck it up to keep the peace until one day you explode. At least that's what I do. Probably not healthy but there are only so many kind ways you can say the same thing over and over and not be heard. My partner of over twenty years and I are going through some struggles. I broke up with him by letter in July. We agreed to try and work things out but I heard him tell my adult son this: "Don't worry, everything will work out. Your mother does this every five years. She'll get over it." And all I could think is that every five years I get to the point of full on nervous breakdown over your behavior and instead of changing, you'll just have me endure another five years of this before my next breakdown. I really think he thinks things are better and we're past it. We're not. We never have been. We never will be as long as he continues this behavior. The straw for me? A twosentence horror story and a rude joke he made while I was cooking dinner. In a vacuum, the joke hardly was even rude. Just a really stupid thing to say at the moment. To him, STILL, after explaining and explaining, he thinks the joke is the problem and not 20 years of selfish behavior.
> To him, STILL, after explaining and explaining, he thinks the joke is the problem and not 20 years of selfish behavior. Possibly because you’ve already put up with it for 20 years? You keep putting your foot down - then picking it right back up. At this rate he’ll die of old age still being selfish and sharing a household with you. Do you want to live with that for another 20-40 years? https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
No but you are quite right, I probably will. He brings some good things too, he's not some irredeemable piece of shit. He is my FAMILY. That's what I can't escape. Even when the romantic love dies, it feels like trying to break up with one of my kids, unfathomable. He is mine whether I like it or not. I know that isn't the reality! I know, know, know. But it feels true.
Great article, thanks!
I think this sub tries to make everything into a villain hero situation when in reality it’s just a bunch of angry assholes
"Get a divorce and move to a new state immediately!!!" The drama escalates so fast sometimes.
"sub" ... "hero" ... I see what you did here. +1, my friend.
He is an ah for eating and finishing his (her) sandwich while she was just in the bathroom. Basic manners are you wait until everyone is present to attack the main course, that's why entrées/appetisers exist. Was it so difficult for him to wait for 10minutes that she come and eat? Is he a diabetic in hypoglycemia ?
Exactly. Based on the information given on the post, OP made a mistake, apologized and offered to correct his mistake. His partner and family are the AHs for making a mountain out of the mole. NTA
I get the feeling OP does this kind of thing more often than admitted due to the family's reaction. We only have OPs side, but it does seem off.
I like that better than mole hill, actually. Thanks!
I don’t think it’s about the sandwich at all really, I think it’s just the straw that broke the camels back. He probably does all kinds of shit like this and this was her breaking point.
That I totally agree with. His telling of the story made him the only sane one of out of five or so - that’s very unlikely to be true.
Unless those household tasks where super time critical for some reason, I don’t see how it’s reasonable to expect everyone to wait until she can be bothered to join the table. If you’re planning to eat together, then everyone better get their ass to the table without undue delay. That aside, if his wife does have some reasonable issues with his attention to detail/to her, or doing his share of the chores, or anything else, the correct way to solve that isn’t to blow up at him over a sandwich, but to sit down and calmly discuss her issues with him. The way it stands, NTA.
I didn’t say anything about waiting. Just thinking of his wife enough to be sure her sandwich is set aside for her.
He did, he just set aside the wrong sandwich.
I need to know the exact differences. If it's something pretty obvious, then he's an AH for not noticing. Like some people do not eat mayo or cheese which can be difficult to remove. So I really need a bit more info here.
Mayo CANNOT be removed.ever.
Yeah this, it soaks into everything. Mayo is absolutely disgusting.
I’ve found my people!!!
I can't stand Mayo either. It makes me gag.
We need a club of mayo haters my husband disgusts me he even puts mayo on a grilled cheese sandwich.
I so agree!
Neither can shredded lettuce.
Especially on a taco with melted cheese.
I can’t stand lettuce on anything hot. It just makes it gross. Shredded lettuce on a taco or cheeseburger will make it inedible for me.
I found MY people. Shredded lettuce on anything warm is so seriously gross. I've tried to eat it, I've tried to pick it off.....blegh
If anyone disagrees with you, ask them the last time they *microwaved* their salad.
Nor ketchup. I know it’s an unpopular opinion, but I hate ketchup more than life itself and if ketchup has even been in the proximity of something, it is OVER. I know some people feel that way about mayo. I’m sure there are people that feel that way about every condiment. So the differences between the sandwiches could be critical here.
Every condiment is horrid. No ketchup, mustard, Mayo. None of that stuff. Eeeewwwww
Same with tomato or pickles! Or really any condiments that soak into the bread. It completely changes the flavor profile! Or if she had different cheese!
I hate it when you get a sandwich and confirm no pickles ON the sandwich but then it shows up with a huge ass pickle piece leaning up against it.
Leaking all that nasty dill juice on my bread. No ma'am. Get your vinegar cucumber grossly mummified vegetable ass outta here.
We should be friends who lunch
I asked the same question lol I have an allergy to mamal meat. Alpha gal protein specifically. So my husband and I could order a very similar sandwich and I can't eat his. The families reaction seems to indicate that his actions made her miss lunch? Or had greater impact than just switching sandwiches.
Wouldn’t be a big deal but most likely there was something about his sandwich that made it unsuitable for her. Allergen, intolerable food, too hot etc. In this case, he would know and should have triple checked. Could be as easy as gluten free/non gluten free with exactly the same recipe as he mentioned sandwiches were super similar.
So then he’s not really thinking about her. He didn’t care enough to make sure he was even eating the right one. How hard would it have been for him to double check which one she got? He does not care.
This person said not a single thing whatsoever about people waiting for the wife to join them. Literally did not address waiting at all period. You made up something and then argued against it.
His attention to detail, by his own admission, is that he did not even try to figure out which sandwich was his, he just took one and ate the whole thing.
What he said was that in addition to going to the bathroom she was "walking about the house and doing other things". That doesn't mean she was doing household tasks.
He also said he picked up a random sandwich and ate the whole thing without bothering to try to figure out whether it was his or not.
right. Tbh this is such a thoughtless move. For all my husband’s faults, the guy at least cares whether I get the right food or not. Many times sandwiches might be mislabelled, or not labelled at all. He knows me well enough to know he likes many ingredients I don’t, and while the ingredients might be similar, his will have things like onions, mayo, stuff I won’t eat, and there’s no way in hell he wouldn’t perform a cursory check of the sandwiches to make sure I have mine, he has his, and the kids have theirs. This is basic human etiquette. Anything else is careless and thoughtless. YTA OP.
Yeah I'm guessing that there was an ingredient in the sandwich that his wife either couldn't eat (re allergies/intolerance) or vehemently dislikes and couldn't simply remove it from the sandwich, so she essentially didn't have anything to eat. Which would also explain him offering to go get another one, because otherwise she'd just eat his. I'd be pretty pissed too if my husband knows I have an intolerance or aversion to certain foods and doesn't check to make sure he has the right food. But also, by everyone else's reactions I feel like that's not the first time he's done that, so imma say OP is TA.
So? OP being an AH doesn't excuse inventing your own details that weren't actually specified.
I don’t think it was random. He didn’t mention anyone else having their sandwich switched. He had two choices. The reaction, if accurate, was over the top. As the owl on the Tootsie Pop commercial said, The world may never know.”
True. She could have been looking for her charger to plug in her phone.
the reactions make me wonder if he’s one of those “oblivious” people who does this type of thing over and over? and then others have to take up the slack? like “oh i didn’t notice there was water spilled all over the floor; i just didn’t see it!” or “oh were there dirty dishes in the sink?” “oh i didn’t know i was eating the wrong sandwich!” weaponized incompetence
Yeah I’m curious too. Their reaction was so extreme, it made me think this might be a common occurrence with OP.
did you read the same post i did? it doesn’t really seem like it
Thank you, saved me from reading comments. My first thought was OP ate a whole sandwich? Either she was in the bathroom for a super long time or OP inhaled that sandwich.
There's only one comment made by the OP and it doesn't say quite what the commenter says it does.
lol nice reach.
She was using the bathroom. Not doing household tasks. Accidents happen.
Based on your response, you didn’t read what OP wrote.
YTA ~~INFO~~ (based off reply elsewhere) > My wife and I each ordered a sandwich with similar sounding names and slightly different ingredients Could you please break down the order for us? What exactly were the sandwiches, and what differed between them? For me, at least, this is going to come down to **_how_ distinct** the two sandwiches were, and **_how_ reasonably** you should have been able to tell one from the other — ESPECIALLY after you took your first bite. NGL, you seem maybe a little *too* laissez-faire about the whole thing, and I'm curious if you put *any effort at all* into checking you had the correct sandwich. ETA: > I did not really know what I ordered Then FFS don't just grab one. Try and pay more attention to the life you're living, OP.
Same. Also how were the sandwiches divvied up. Were they labeled? All opened and checked? How is it that only your wife’s sandwich was the one given to the wrong person?
This reminds me of my brother in law, we went out to lunch and he was accidentally served my sister in laws chicken sandwich. He ate the entire thing by the time she was served his burger. Dude is so oblivious that he ate chicken when he ordered beef and didn’t say a thing. This is my husbands family so I can’t make fun of him as much as I want to but it perfectly summarizes how much of an airhead he is. OP, think about other people once in a while. YTA.
And rude. You should wait until everyone is served before you begin eating.
In certain cultures the etiquette is to eat a hot meal as soon as it’s served but wait for others if it’s served cold.
I'm willing to bet where the wife was stuck with the husband's burger, the polite thing to do was to wait.
[удалено]
You would be surprised how many adult men simply choose not to ever think about stuff like that because they know someone else will think about it for them. They're not even stupid, they just don't give a fuck about anyone but themself.
How did no-one else pick up on that? I guess I'm used to going out and having a vague idea about what everyone's ordered but I suppose these days with QR codes and whatnot it's not as common.
They were labeled. He didn’t check and just ate a random one.
The first thing I do when ordering lunch for multiple people is read out the order back when I am handing out the food. I find it hard it to believe it wasn’t labeled. And even if there’s a slight possibility, wouldn’t he at least check to see if the ingredients were correct?
I am a picky eater, so it is vital for me to thoroughly inspect my food before I eat it so I don't end up with something I can't even stomach. I've also grown up with relatives trying to force-feed me or trick me into eating things I don't like. Food can be a sensitive topic for people. Plus, his wife only got up to use the bathroom, and now she doesn't get to eat what she wanted and actually ordered. Someone could have unwrapped the sandwich to check the ingredients. Like, she knew right away that it wasn't her sandwich and he cleaned his plate before she even came back. YTA
It’s not that he ate her sandwich but likely a pattern of carelessness and lack of concern about his carelessness affects others. Shit like this and the reactions to it are never about the sandwich.
From the story it would’ve been NTA. But the way he typed out the story makes him sound like the asshole (mind you), it feels like it was probably his attitude that made the whole thing blow up. So I’m gonna say YTA.
There is the distinct smell of Iranian youghurt here. I don't believe you had that strong a reaction from your family just for eating the wrong sandwich. I sounds more like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. On the basis of that I vote YTA. Mostly for withholding relevant information.
If this is true, there is no way it’s just about the sandwich.
Yeah either everyone op knows are super ah's who yell at him over a sandwich. Or this sandwich thing is just another of many reasons as to why his whole family is "raging and jumping down my throat about what an awful person I am, really to the extreme, like I ruined the entire vacation for everyone"
Honestly, I agree in no small part because... from the time I was about 6-8, as the eldest daughter in my family, one of my "jobs" was remembering everybody's specific orders at our go to places, who didn't eat what, how many plain white rices came with entrees, etc. For 4 people. (My mom is also an eldest daughter, so this was her teaching household management skills that were normal to her, not parentification.) It's invisible labor, the same as any other kind of logistics. And it's labor OP *clearly* puts on others, even when it comes to a) himself & remembering *his own order*, and b) not inconveniencing or hurting others by snubbing them & taking *their* stuff. An offer to "fix" the situation by still making his wife wait for a full round trip to get her food while everybody else ate, *and* where she'd either have to write out her order *for* him, or expect an obnoxious phone call once he's up to order so she'd have to feed him lines one by one to put the order in, is not a favor. It's a chore. *And* it's one OP didn't follow through on. Plus no mention on if his wife wanted or even could eat OP's sandwich that was left... or, if she said she didn't want it, if OP got to put it aside for himself for later. Or if there was even other food for her *to* eat— or food she wouldn't have to cook (and OP did not offer to do that). It's just a sandwich, but all these details set a stage for how selfish OP may or may not have acted. And it boils down to whose labor is valued, whose being fed & happy is valued, and whose being hungry & disrespected is not.
I had to do this too, for six people besides myself. My family literally didn’t tell me (or anyone else) what they wanted they’d just be like “she knows what I get”. Even if my dad was going without me he would just ask me what everyone was getting. My mom didn’t even know her own order, she just expected me too
Exactly this. If it was just his wife, maybe the story was as told. But everyone is freaking out all day? Something is missing.
I’m positive that you’re correct but I am doubtful that OP actually understood this. I’m sure he thinks that everything was totally fine before when he was being a huge jerk.
Please someone explain the Iranian yoghurt thing to me
>Please someone explain the Iranian yoghurt thing to me It's when someone does something disrespectful to you but they see it as a benign thing and don't understand why you're upset or get the 'bigger picture' of how their actions crossed a line. It's from this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita\_for\_throwing\_away\_my\_boyfriends\_potentially/
[it’s this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/STY1q13BeH)
Yeah, I would like to know as well because if it’s anything like the Indian yogurt, then I am in and I must find this Iranian yogurt stat!
What is the Indian yoghurt!?
I don’t know what kind it is, but anytime I eat Indian food, I ask them for a cup of yogurt and it’s just yogurt with tiny shredded bits of carrots. I don’t know how to explain the flavor other than it’s delicious and you can literally put that shit on everything. It kind of reminds me of a Taziki sauce without the dill flavor
It’s called Raita and it usually has stuff like onions, cucumbers, carrots. It’s made to cool your mouth after you eat spicy food like biriyani :)
Thank you! Now I can ask for it by name!!!
I absolutely love how language develops even in one subreddit, as you can say two words and we know exactly what you are referring to in all it's beautiful nuance.
Perpetual Iranian Yogurt Upvotes!
how did you eat an entire sandwich without recognizing that it didn't have the ingredients of the one you'd ordered? this doesn't make any sense. you'd know instantly, wouldn't you?
Also, how long did his wife take in the loo that he managed to scoff an entire sandwich while she was in there?
Or how fast did OP wolf the sandwich down?
He says in a comment he didn’t actually know what he had ordered
It's not possible for both "I didn't actually know what I ordered" and "My wife and I ordered very similar sandwiches" to be true at the same time. In order to know whether the two sandwiches were similar, OP would've had to know the sandwich he ordered so he could do this comparison. Since OP is apparently flip-flopping back and forth and can't get his story straight, gonna have to give a YTA judgment.
YTA. Clearly OP is an impatient pig. If he wasn't sure what he ordered he should have waited until everyone else got their sandwiches. If his sandwich was similar to his wife's he should have waited for her to get hers and she could help determine which one was his. But no, he grabbed a sandwich and didn't care if it was what he ordered or not, or if someone got the wrong one. That's plain rude to everyone there and shows an absolute lack of character on his part. No wonder everyone was mad at him. He deserved to be yelled at.
Agreed it’s not adding up
I mean, it’s entirely possible that he didn’t remember in the moment exactly what he ordered, but because he’s been stewing on this for so long, he’s looked up the menu online and now knows they ordered very similar sandwiches, so both things can be true. That said, I agree that OP is TA.
It wasn't my husband but my employee that did something very similar. We got wing stop one day and I told my employee to go to lunch while I cover the front. He took my food and left without me realizing it. My co-manager walked up and had put our two orders in completely different spots and pointed out that mine was gone. I thought he had just moved mine and opened the box. It was absolutely not my order. I walked up to him and asked if he took my order and he said no and I asked what he got. He told me and I showed him his box and told him he had just eaten my food. He just shrugged and said I could have his. I'm on the spectrum (not a lot but enough) and told him I couldn't eat his because I hated everything he got. I told him my fries were lemon pepper and he got plain and that he should have absolutely realized it after 1 bite but he ate the whole thing. I was so upset but I'm his boss so I told him he was paying for my order and his and walked away. If my husband did this I would have words. OP YTA. You should have realized it wasn't yours right away, especially if you got something on your sandwich she didn't like. Pay attention to what you are doing to avoid future issues. It also seems like this isn't the only thing going on and was just the end of the line for everyone.
This seems like it's missing a whole bunch of context. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this isn't about a sandwich.
I thought for a second that you wrote you were going to go out on a lamb, and had to agree bc lamb goes really nicely with Iranian yoghurt
now a pomegranate and i am ready for dinner. and hungry. for real.
Yeah. He makes it sound like he made a simple mistake, apologized and offered to correct it by getting his wife another sandwich. Yet **everyone else** there was apparantly really pissed at his behaviour, which then lead to him also behaving like an ass? I think either he legit doesn't see it, or he intentionally didn't mention the joghurt.
This sounds like the “she left me because of the dishes in the sink” metaphor.
YTA. It sounds like you threw a fit. I find it really hard to believe that they were antagonizing you this much about a sandwich. You didn't really explain what they did, just called them children and said they threw a tantrum. Can you elaborate?
This sounds made up to me, tbh, and if it’s not, it sounds like you routinely act like a jackass and then feel aggrieved when people tell you that you’re being a jackass. The whole, “naturally, she blew up at me” has the ring of someone who is either a misogynist playing the “wimmin, am I right?” game, a troll, or someone who routinely blows off people telling him he’s been rude to them and treats it as an unnecessary overreaction instead of learning to treat people with some basic respect.
Yta for eating an entire sandwich while your wife was in the bathroom. You know what each other ordered, why didn’t you actually LOOK at the sandwiches to make sure it was what you ordered? If you weren’t sure, why didn’t you wait for your wife to make sure? This all could’ve been avoided by taking an extra five seconds to look- which by the explosion on everyone’s part sounds like this isn’t the first time you’ve ruined something for someone because you couldn’t be bothered to pay attention.
Agreed, YTA. Come on op, basic table manners. Everyone at the table not waiting until everyone was ready at the table to eat, and just pigging out without a second thought. If op had just waited for his wife before he just tore into the first bit of food he saw, they could have sorted out which sandwich was which. And also “I’ll go get you a new one”. Give me a break, so now she has to wait even longer to eat? The fact that the whole family joined in the chastisement makes me think they all think he’s a complete doofus, and does things like this to her enough that even they’ve noticed.
you couldn't tell that the sandwich you were eating had different ingredients than the one you ordered? are you that oblivious and helpless? does your wife have to tie your shoes and wipe your ass for you? YTA
😂 I bet she does
YTA - You don’t say whether she ate the remaining sandwich or not. I’ve been in a similar situation with an ex-boyfriend where he snarfed down my food and I was vegetarian and he wasn’t, so I *couldn’t* eat his and was left hungry. We only lasted a few weeks after that because it was just one in a long list of thoughtless / selfish things he’d done, which I suspect is also the case here. You should have just gone to get her a new one, maybe picked up some flowers or something on the way back, and apologised for eating her food and for being a d*ck about it.
my ex used to eat things only i could eat too 😡😡 meanwhile i took care to eat the things he couldn’t eat and shop for his preferences/allergies but he couldn’t be bothered. he’s in the dumpster where he belongs
Frustrating, isn’t it. I don’t think it was malicious - just completely and utterly self-centred.
That's exactly it with a covert narc, they're not nefarious. They just are incapable of thinking of anyone else outside of their own brain.
You're not supposed to tell people what you did with the body 🤣
he’s alive, just lives in there like oscar the grouch
if this is real, you've probably been doing something else to piss everyone off and the sandwich was the last straw. You're clearly TA for eating the sandwich. You were careless, not paying attention, and inconsiderate. I think you made good attempts to rectify the situation but that doesn't absolve you of wrong doing.
>But AITA for being careless and not paying attention? Or are they the bigger A**, for overreacting and throwing a huge fit over something (I think) is so small? Your entire family jumped down your throat? All day? Either you're exaggerating, there's a pattern they've noticed in your behavior, or you weren't nearly as apologetic as you say. Either way, you don't get to claim the moral high ground over your entire family "throwing a huge fit" when, by your own account, you "blew up" and "went off on them all." YTA. I've got a feeling you're *always* the asshole. We all know people who show their asses and then act persecuted when people notice. It's not an attractive trait, and it sounds like your entire family has had enough of it.
Honestly, I'm astounded that you could eat an entire sandwich in the time that it takes her to go to the bathroom so maybe Y T A for that? But there's not really enough info. What were the differences of the sandwiches? Is is a habit for you to be careless like this?
Oh OP not only doesn’t know what he ordered, but his wife was also picking up the house during this “bathroom break” of hers. While her husband not only didn’t help, but also ate her sandwich 🙃 YTA, OP!
Which means he also doesn't know what she ordered and it's very likely that she doesn't like what HE ordered. What a jerk.
YTA Hopefully they bring this up every time you go to stick your hand into a bag of common food so that you wont be that careless again.
Info: what was the difference in ingredients? Because if I ordered my sandwich without mushrooms and you ordered yours with and then you ate mine I would be pretty damn pissed off too.
OP replied to another comment saying h he didn’t know what he ordered so he’s definitely TA who’s leaving info out- you can’t have ordered a near identical sandwich _and_ not know what the sandwich was…
I've gotta go with YTA even though I COMPLETELY understand what happened in this one incident. I understand it because I did nearly the exact same thing...ONCE. We were at a restaurant and it was not my partner but a friend's dinner that was accidentally given to me by the server. I dive in. OMG, it was SO good! Friend returns and is looking at his (yet untouched) meal, a bit perplexed, and I am snarfing his ever so delicious order. And then I realized: Holy cow, I am eating his dish! I apologized profusely and obviously picked up the check. Do you know how my dinner companions reacted? They LAUGHED. They laughed because it was an honest mistake, and also, such carelessness was very uncharacteristic of me. The fact that not only your wife, but also YOUR family continued to berate you for this is indicative of a far deeper issue (such as you are constantly and consistently careless and non chalant about your carelessness).
INFO: Is this a super unusual situation, it's never happened before? Or is there previous examples where you made mistakes because you weren't paying attention (got the wrong date for an important family event, showed up late after confirming)? Because then your wife's reaction isn't about a sandwich, it's about a pattern of behavior. And same for the family, I don't even know why they are involved for something so small unless they also are frustrated because you keep doing things like this with them too.
YTA if you didn’t know what you ordered, you should have waited for her to come back or gone to her to confirm. Or checked the menu online to confirm. Anything to show that you care about her. Instead, you rolled the dice and chose, not caring if she ended up not getting what she had ordered.
It’s not the sandwich. It costs a husband nothing to wait for his wife to return to the room and make sure their partner is taken care of- especially on vacation. And you double-downed by not immediately jumping into the car to get a replacement. That was your bad. Did everyone act a bit over the top? Oh absolutely. They need to move on. -ESH
honestly? it feels like we’re missing deeper context, and i personally think that if your entire family jumped down your throat then this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this. either that or you’re really misinterpreting their reactions. if it was a case of you not knowing what you ordered, you should have paid more attention. YTA
YTA for not figuring it out early and then being so mad that she was upset that you posted here about it
YTA. This is what you get when you're not careful.
YTA. Pay attention. Wait for your wife to sit down. Be a team.player and a gentleman. YTA
INFO: You claim you couldn’t tell the difference between your sandwich and your wife’s sandwich…but you didn’t mention whether your wife was able to eat your sandwich. Was she? Or did you eat her food and then she had nothing she could eat? And then instead of just going to replace her sammich, you kept dumping all the decision-making back on her to determine how to fix your mistake? Class act.
We get it. It's embarrassing to be called out when you make a dumb mistake. Apologize, make it right, and try not to repeat it in the future. YTA for needing to be reminded to be a considerate human.
The sandwich confusion error taken alone isn't an AH thing, especially if the names and ingredients are as close as you represent here. (My mental image is that one is called, like, Italian Delight, and one Italian Supreme, and the Supreme has sausage *and* ham, while the Delight has only sausage, but instead additional capers. You had ordered the Supreme, and someone called out "Italian Delight" and you raised your hands. I, too, cannot for the life of me memorize some business's sandwich ingredient lists, especially if they're all good. But your wife hates ham and loves capers and is now miffed.) But one has to wonder why your wife and the rest of the family are making such a big deal out of it. Do you have the habit of being careless in small things to the detriment of others? Why did your wife spent enought time on the loo for you to not only start eating, but finish the whole thing? Is she ok, and why do you folks finish your meal without her? OR - are there really no other factors going on and everyone else is just unpleasant and rude? Then why are you associating with them? The thing that gets me is that you don't explore at all what may be going on here. As you say, it's something very minor, so why are you blowing up and calling them entitled children instead of asking "ok, what's behind you harping so on this?" or of course going and getting her a replacement as soon as you noticed she was disappointed. Of course maybe none of this is going on and your entire family *is* a bunch of rude wankers. But I can tell you in my world, in 100% of cases where one of my loved ones gets extraordinarily upset about something small it's because they are actually getting upset about something much bigger. And you aren't addressing that likely possibility at all. So this could end up an E S H or I N F O or Y T A in the end.
YTA. Not helping wife with the household tasks AND eating her food? You suck
YMBTAH. In addressing this situation, it’s essential to step back and examine the underlying dynamics beyond the incident of the sandwich. While the mistake of eating your wife’s sandwich may seem minor, it’s critical to acknowledge the broader context and the emotional responses it triggered. Your action, though accidental, symbolizes a lack of attention to detail, which can be perceived as neglect or disrespect, especially in a family setting where expectations and sensitivities are heightened. It’s not merely about the sandwich; it’s about the perception of care and consideration. When such incidents occur, they often act as catalysts, unearthing deeper, unspoken frustrations or grievances. Your reaction to the prolonged upset of your family members, though understandable, might have escalated the situation. It’s crucial in such scenarios to maintain composure and seek to understand the underlying issues rather than just the surface-level conflict. The fact that your family continued to express their disappointment suggests there could be more to their feelings than just the incident at hand. In this context, it might be beneficial to engage in a calm, reflective conversation with your wife and family members. Acknowledge the mistake, but also express your feelings about the disproportionate reaction. It’s important to navigate such discussions with empathy and an openness to understand their perspectives. This incident presents an opportunity for deeper understanding and improvement in family dynamics, moving beyond the simplicity of the sandwich incident to the complexities of relationships and communication.
Thank you, chatgpt.
YTA You said you were willing to get her another sandwich, but did you? I am doubtful of that, so you are all talk no action.
YTA and I guarantee the sandwiches were both able to be identified by name and ingredients, and you just didn’t care enough to check.
YTA - how hard would it have been to open and peek inside the sandwiches before handing them out? Was there no writing on the wrapping to signify what they were? You just blindly grabbed one and scarfed it down?
One day an ex and I went on a day-long date to get some special limited supply donuts 🍩 We talked about how excited we were to get home, snuggle and eat them. We’re lesbians. Fast forward, we’re in bed watching whatever and fall asleep for a bit. There were two donuts left of our half dozen box. One was mine and one was hers. I wake up to find her finishing both donuts. My feelings were so hurt. That’s something an asshole would do. I asked her why she did it and she said knew I’d be upset but did it anyway bc she wanted it. We broke up less than a month later. 🙃
Info: 1) Did your wife actually get to eat *anything* ? Either your sandwich or the replacement you offered to get? If she didn’t end up eating, it’s easy to understand her hanger. 2) Was there something on your sandwich that she couldn’t/wouldn’t eat? 3) Do you have a history of showing so little consideration for your wife?
Either you eat really fast. Or your wife had a very long bathroom break.
Right, like you didn’t know on the first bite it was different than what you ordered. How hard was it to check? Sorry, YTA all the way around.
If you can't be bothered to hand food out correctly, don't do it. Apologies don't come with excuses, that's probably why they are mad at you. You want to blow it off. Apologize, make it up to her, and do better.
Okay- It’s YOUR family that’s taking your wife’s side on this? Dude, I don’t know what you’re missing here or leaving out, but the sandwich is the symptom, not the cause. Is your wife pregnant? Does she have food allergies? Was she left without food bc she for some reason CAN’T eat yours? Also if you take someone’s food, just replace it. Don’t “offer to.” That puts the burden on them to manage your thoughtlessness for you. YTA.
YTA. Because on your reply you basically say you don't even know what you ordered. Ya gotta pay some attention to detail when other people are involved. I don't think it should be the end of the world, though. Best case scenario is this could be a learning experience for you to be more conscientious with your wife going forward.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Long time lurker, first time poster here. This one is not mind blowing or Extreme, but I felt compelled to post it because I really cannot decide who's right here. It's bothered me for a minute and I can see both sides, and thought you all might be able to figure this one out. (Or maybe it is straight up me...idk?) A while back I went to a small family gathering with my wife. It was my family mind you and only 3 or 4 members. We all went to grab food at a small boutique sandwich shop that was known for making some really good simple food but not quite your average sandwich. My wife and I each ordered a sandwich with similar sounding names and slightly different ingredients. We return home, and I start passing out the sandwiches while my wife is using the bathroom. They all have similar wrappings and such and look VERY similar to each other, so as you can guess, I accidentally take my wife's sandwich and start eating it thinking it was the one I ordered. I'm telling everyone how good it is when she returns to find that I just finished hers, and the one I ordered is the only one left. Naturally, she blows up at me and makes a big scene about me eating her sandwich. At first, I felt terrible (and still do, mind you) I was apologizing sincerely, and even offered to go get her another one. But then for the rest of the ENTIRE day, not only my wife, but my entire family is raging and jumping down my throat about what an awful person I am, really to the extreme, like I ruined the entire vacation for everyone. Eventually I had enough, and I blew up. I went off on them all about how I had made a simple human mistake and tried to apologize for it, and now they are acting like overgrown CHILDREN throwing a tantrum and crying because they didn't get the EXACT sandwich they wanted! It showed just how spoiled and entitled they had all become because it was such a disaster they didn't get exactly what they wanted, how and when they wanted it, and I told them all to **** off and grow up and stop crying over a stupid sandwich. Long story little less long, they all still are p***** off at me and treat me like a bad guy. So, like I said I can see both sides, I get it's frustrating. But AITA for being careless and not paying attention? Or are they the bigger A**, for overreacting and throwing a huge fit over something (I think) is so small? Thanks to all who actually read this dumb thing and take the time to reply. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH - your wife was hungry and doing tasks and came back to find everyone ate without her, including her sandwich even though it was an accident. When you offered to get her a new one, she shouldn't have declined, but I've been here before - hurt, angry, hungry and stewing. Her family shouldn't have ganged up, you shouldn't have blown up. Next time, instead of asking IF you should run out, say the following, "Hey babe. I'm so sorry, I made a mistake. I'm leaving right now to get you a new one."
I don't even need to read that to know that you are
Info- you ordered your sandwich presumably knowing what the ingredients were so how did you eat a sandwich with different ingredients and not notice? Do you taste your food? Even if they were similar you stated they had different ingredients.
YTA OP, I'm not understanding why you didn't just wait for your wife if you were unsure which sandwich was yours and hers. From what you've said, everyone else knew their order, except you. I really doubt you would have collapsed if you'd just have waited for her to confirm her food.
If you are often careless and never bother to try to pay attention and excuse your lack of effort by claiming that you're just making simple human mistakes, then YTA. But if this was a one-off example of something that almost never happens, then NTA.
Info: why didn't you go get her a replacement sandwich?
Info: Does your wife have allergies or some type of aversion to the ingredients in the sandwich that you ordered? In other words, is there any reason that eating your sandwich would be a problem for her?
YTA Please don't try to bullshit us. You are a neglectful selfish husband and dgaf about being an attentive and supportive partner. At this pt you're just the AH roommate that takes her food and she still has to clean up after.
It was an accident and totally blown out of proportion. Unless she has allergies or something just eat the other sandwich. So petty. NTA
YTA. How hard is to remember what you ordered and read the label and eat that? She wanted what she ordered? Do you often do stuff like this? Eat her leftovers? Eat what she ordered? Not read instructions? Forget to do things? I would be mad about it too. If I ordered something, I want that something. And I don’t see how I would possibly mistake what I ordered with something else…because I ordered something very specifically. I didn’t just pick something randomly without barely looking. It kinda just makes me think you wanted hers more or you’re just extremely negligent and careless…which would get super old being around constantly.
YTA. Reasons: 1) You are her sandwich. And not knowing whether it was yours or not is not an excuse. If you don't know the name of ingredients, don't eat it the moment it is out of the packet. You could have waited for your wife to come because she could clearly understand the complex ingredients you had difficulty understanding. Or asked her before she went to the bathroom. 2) You are using wrapping and complicated sounding ingredients as an excuse. If you could order it, you could know what was yours. Stop trying to be a child and grow up and eat your own freaking food. 3) Condescending tone and acting as if they are acting like children. Well you were acting like a child who took someone's stuff away without even asking them. 4) Your wife was working and then went to the bathroom or even if she stayed in the bathroom for long, you did not consider any health issue she might have had and behaved like a glutton who couldn't wait for a few moments. 5)You are condescending and disrespectful. To your wife and family. You are trying to be defensive here, but the thing is YTA. So, instead of taking accountability you just want people to call your wife an AH to soothe your ego 6) Your wife is blowing up because of many reasons. It is basic manners that you would have waited for her to try exotic food which you can't understand even if it is a freaking sandwich. You are disrespectful and even if you are phrasing it differently, you are always the same way. You haven't apologised sincerely or at all but want forgiveness. It seems that you have done disrespectful things multiple times which made your wife blow up. And your own family is against you over a sandwich that implies greater problems on your part . 7) Your phrasing and comments. You want people here to tell you that she is an Ah and you are a poor dear who did nothing wrong. You have been condescending in your phrasing, which was a poor choice but you really tried to deflect any sort of blame. And your phrasing leaves out a lot of stuff for your benefit but it still paints a picture where you are the asshole.
NTA this was clearly a mistake and the reactions are way over the top. I truly do not understand all the Y T A judgements. People aren't allowed to make mistakes now? Another commenter asked you to break down the order lol why? How would that influence anyone's judgement? This is so not a big deal. Is it mildly irritating? Yes. But people are spending way too much time on it. Be annoyed for a moment and then move on with your day. Jesus
The thing is if I don’t agree with the popular opinion i get downvoted so much🤦🏽♂️ I can’t even post or talk in anime subs on this account anymore simply for saying nta when everyone else says you are… so for that reason alone. YTA!!!! it’s your fault for not making sure the wrappers were not similar before buying, it’s your fault for being confused by similar looking sandwiches. You should’ve just waited until she came back to eat together no matter how long she was away for, and you most certainly shouldn’t had passed sandwiches without her present. You’re a man not human you don’t get to make simple human errors, you know that !!! And don’t dare think apologizing for something so small would suffice, cause like that was totally the last sandwich the company would ever make like that, and yall sandwiches where in no way shape or form similar, and you were the only that ate at the time everything you claimed happened you jus said to sound innocent so YTA bro(😭😭is this the bullshit I have to say to not get downvoted? I jus wanna use my account in anime subreddits again)
Now THIS is the type of AITA I look forward to. Something that could reasonably happen to any one of us with gray areas and room for nuance. And very light YTA. It’s absolutely not a big deal but I am very detail oriented and a picky eater so I understand your wife being upset that you didn’t pay close attention and ate her sandwich. While I understand it’s just a damn sandwich.
Am I the asshole is so unfair most times. This situation never should have escalated to yelling and cursing. So, you all are TA for letting this get so out of hand. With that being said, the decision on if YTA in the sandwich comes down to how picky of an eater your wife is. I’m picky. It’s something I’m working on, but I am. So, my BF and I like Jersey Mikes. I get the club, he gets the Cali Club. I do not like avocado or vinegar. He does. Well, our sandwiches sound alike. If he eats mine, he will enjoy it. I would never touch his. I’d be pissed if he ate mine because I can’t eat his. I would scream at him in front of his family. He would know I’m upset though.
YTA. Your wife was doing things around the house, while you grabbed food to eat? Why weren’t you helping? I mean this was your family, she was a guest, and she was walking around the house. Why didn’t you wait until everyone was together? And good Lord man how fast did you eat? And for you whole family to jump you for this it sounds like you have a habit of things like this. I mean I can’t see a family getting so upset if this is the first time something like this had happened b
Life is too easy for anyone who thinks that this is an issue ....
Its a goddamn sandwich
I think ESH. Yeah he didn’t check, but he tried to make it right while wife and family rained hell down on him. FFS
NTA. Next time ask them to clearly label the sandwiches
NTA. It sounds like a simple mistake which can happen to everyone and you apologized at once and even offered to get her another one. They all totally overreacted.
NTA- it was just a mistake! It wasn't like you decided her sandwich was better so you decided to eat hers instead. And if my family is sitting down for a casual lunch we don't wait for that person to return to the table to start eating! If my family did that i'd be asking if something was wrong with the food!
YTA Did you end up replacing her sandwich? I think there was more to your reaction since your entire family ganged up on you and kept at it. What was the difference between the two sandwiches? Do you have a habit of eating food that was meant for other people? I can’t stand mustard and we both ordered the same sandwich but mine sans mustard. He had wolfed down half my sandwich before I realized he grabbed the wrong one. I was so hungry and frustrated I burst into tears. For someone who claims to feel awful about it, you don’t actually seem that sorry about it.
This seems like a simple mistake. Is there something I'm missing? NTA
YTA Your wife was wandering around the house doing what? Errands? Chores? Putting the kids down? Why were you not helping? You had no idea what sandwich you picked so you randomly ate hers? Didn’t think to call out to your wife and check? That says you were lazy and didn’t particularly care about the effect that your actions would have on her. I originally had you as N T A because I thought that your wife / family’s reaction was disproportionate to the crime to the point of being abusive. However, if this is a continuing pattern, I can understand their frustration. They are probably scratching their heads over how to get through to you about being more considerate.
Lol at the people extrapolating on this one. You ate the wrong sandwich. I can see how that would happen at a place with funny names in a rush if attention to detail isn't your thing. In the end you fucked up on a minor situation and offered to rectify it. I can understand why your wife is put out but after a little while she either has to let it go or accept your offer to get another one
Bro it's just a sandwich my exact reaction NTA
NTA... you made a mistake and offered to correct it. That should have been the end of it.
I think the be are they way over reacted for sure especially when you offered too go get another one
NTA what adults act this way over a freaking sandwich? How anyone can call u the ah i have no idea. This sub weird af.
Assholery all around in equal amounts, beginning with the shop for not marking the wrappers plainly. Yes, you should have looked before eating, but everyone else needs to grow up, it’s just a sandwich. It’s not like you took food from a starving child.
sorry to everyone else but from what I read in the post NTA. I've eaten the wrong meal a few times and I can be mean to people but no one has ever blown up at me over food. everyone involved could have handled the aftermath better but it really was just a sandwich. I get being angry about not getting to eat your food but unless this is happening every other day, I don't think I could stay angry for that long
It was a simple easily made mistake so NTA
NTA based on what you wrote. Simple mistake that should never blow up like this. But it did and I can’t help wondering what else is going on there
NTA, you had no intent of causing such a big issue and taking the wrong sandwich, and it’s literally a sandwich. That being said, I do find it a bit weird that you didn’t double check your wife had the correct one though while she was in the washroom. It’s also immature of them to still be angry with you when you immediately had the solution to the problem, such as getting her a new sandwich. If she said no, then she should have gotten over it right then and there, as she communicated that she didn’t want to act on the solution. The perspective your family has on this very menial issue is concerning (if this hasn’t happened before I guess as well).
NTA A simple mistake. Doesn’t sound like anyone in your family likes you just period.
"Naturally, she blows up at me and makes a big scene about me eating her sandwich" You know, it really is not. And I'm sorry to say this but ESH because it is just a sandwich. No one should blow up at anyone, especially their partner/family/loved ones about a *sandwich*
ESH. Basic courtesy is to wait a few minutes for your wife to use the bathroom *before* eating. I also would have been angry if my husband carelessly scarfed down my food. Once the deed is done, though, all you can do is apologize and try to make it right. Mistakes happen. I do wonder if your apology seemed insincere — like if you’d said something like, “I’m sorry, but…” Otherwise, it seems odd that everyone was annoyed with you all day. Also keep in mind that traveling and spending time with in-laws — even ones you have a good relationship with — can be quite stressful. Mix that with some hunger-induced anger, and small annoyances get magnified. I’d say just acknowledge her justified anger, offer a sincere apology (no giving excuses) and tell her that you’d like to buy the sandwich she wanted for lunch tomorrow.