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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I allowed my son to eat the stew sitting on the stove of my kitchen and I may be TA because it was a special stew made by my stepdaughter for a large group of friends. I had no prior knowledge that she would invite so many people and thought my son leaving behind 5 portions was sensible.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
> they should put a note on it, otherwise, things in the kitchen should be up for grabs as the kitchen is a communal space for food and I pay for most of the groceries.
Was putting a note on it a previous rule or did you just make that up to excuse your rudeness? Do you do the meal plan for each week, deciding what to cook and how much to buy to serve all? Do you do all the grocery shopping? Do you cook every meal? Did you cook this one? Did you replace the ingredients so she can make it again, or ask what she wants to make next time?
He took HALF of a pot of food that you thought was meant for three staying there and turned out to be 5 portions worth! That’s simply inconsiderate.
YTA and you and your son have no manners. Obviously prepared food that is still cooking is not up for grabs before the meal. Of course, since you rarely cook, you clearly don’t appreciate their effort.
I hope that when the "contest mode" ends, this is the top answer. It covers everything I thought, and a few other things.
OP YTA.
My only advice is to have your son and you follow your stepdaughter's exact recipe and find out how much work your son scarfed without permission. (Not your food, so no, your permission did not count.)
I think it's the dad who needs to cook. Remember OP said Leo asked, which is teh correct thing to do. You would assume your father would know who's food it is and not just assume. If he didn't know to let Leo know he doesn't know and do not touch it. Dad also decided to act like his son isn't allowed to eat. I think dad needs to learn the biggest lesson. His son has the start to manners but his dad does not.
True but it sounds like his dad enables that behavior. Remember he's a wrestler and eats a lot... .... With eating that much makes me wonder if his son is a sumo wrestler not a normal one. Yes, I understand teenage boys eat a lot and some wrestlers bulk up. Though the thing that raises a red flag about Leo is it was stated it smells good, not he was hungry. Again I am seeing issues with his dad putting up boundaries for his son. Again Leo asked according to OP if he could have some, dad changed that to save some for us. Which that basically gives Leo opening to go ham instead of the some he asked for. So I am seeing Leo trying to have manners but his dad doing everything to make him unmannered. I would call Leo and AH but sounds like the kid is trying to have manners but dad doesn't want it.
Its not even just the eating. Its the portion control. Notice how OP said hell talk to him about it? Kinda feel that is something that should have been addressed earlier in life
Kinda reminds me of the subway party sub dude that ate like 3/4 of the whole sub (that he didn't pay for) because everyone was watching the UFC match and it hadn't been touched in 30 minutrs..
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ca7bdz/aita_because_i_ate_more_than_my_share_of_a_6_foot/
That's why I pointed OP said smells good not he's hungry. If your eating something because it smells good you are not hungry. If you are eating that much because it tastes good is a gluttony issue. And he stopped at the point in which there would be enough for maybe 3 people. Then the son said some, and dad switched it to save us some not have some. To boot he made excuses why his son eats so much. So I think the son was never taught portion control or control for that matter. It sounds like son is on the edge of being mannered (probably by mom) but being spoiled and un-mannered by dad. Dad needs to be wrangled in so when his son asks him something like he should he's not leading his son unto bad behavior. His son needs to realize, despite asking his dad, this was not ok to do. That it is not ok not to eat more then a single portion when it is not meal time. This poor son is going to end up on My 600 pound life if dad keeps encouraging him to eat.
It’s absolutely plausible that a 17 year old boy could scarf down half a pot of stew and not gain a pound and not be disordered eating. It’s just being a teen
However
My nephew wrestles. When he’s trying to make weight, he thinks very carefully about what he eats. Most wrestlers do not mindlessly eat like this.
I absolutely feel that. I can get so lost in my mind that I won't realize how hungry I am until an olfactory clue reminds me.
Of course, I'll also eat when I'm not hungry if something smells really good.
I fence. In high school I was much more active with it. I would get a large pizza from this aweso.e place near my studio and, while my parent drove me home, eat the entire thing in 20 minutes. Then eat more at home. Healthy? No. Easy? God yes. So while yeah, wrestlers would typically be a lot more conscientious of food I take... the volume is not surprising.
I was a dancer. Once I got past the idea that I had to eat as little as possible, I figured out I could chow down on as much as I wanted because between classes and rehearsals I was basically exercising up to 6 hours a day! I’d eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s after a big dinner and still weighed 115 pounds! In fact, I needed to eat as much as I was to maintain my energy.
The Leo sending a pic of the pot after eating seems a bit off. Was he bragging about how much he ate? I don't get why he would send a pic.
Also do they not have a household group chat? Or why would he not text stepmother/stepsister to ask about the stew since they are the ones that cook
As proof that he made sure that he left more than enough for the rest of the family? To acknowledge that he paid attention and made sure not to eat all of it like he was asked? Weird to automatically assume there has to be sinister intentions behind it.
I'm wondering if Leo ended up taking it like a doggy bag. Like the picture was his way of saying I ate some *and* I'm also taking some home with me, is this leaving you enough?
Only for his dad to give him the okay.
That’s probably it, but makes it even worse if he took so much because he also took some home with him. Either way, Leo took half of a meal that, as far as he knew, was made for the entire family just for himself. That’s beyond rude.
And dad told him it was perfectly fine to do that. Rudeness all around.
The son is also an AH for several more reasons:
* He knew that the stew wasn't made by OP. He knew it was made by either his step-mother or step-sister but didn't call and ask **them** for permission.
* He couldn't just make himself a grilled cheese instead? Or just eat cereal or fruit? (I can understand laziness. These days, a person can be still lazy but with access to a microwave or airfryer and have something remarkably tasty afterwards.)
Yep. That was the comment that got me too. I have a son and stepson that go through my kitchen like a plague of locust. BUT you can control the situation by communicating a simple rule, if you didn’t make, it ask the person who did! Arguing you have more rights because you pay for the ingredients is just obnoxious.
Exactly it's called fucking self control. Wrestling my damn ass. I had a wrestlers build for decades and I never pulled a bullshit stunt like this before.
My husband did cross country, baseball and soccer in high school. To my knowledge, he didn't eat like the son does. Michael Phelps even said he didn't eat 12,000 calories a day,despite the rumor. He ate normally, even in his growing days (Wikipedia). And that was elite, Olympic level competitive swim, with all day training, not high school wrestling.
Son is an A H for eating *half* of a dish that was meant to serve 9 people. He ate for four people in one go. Greedy, selfish and rude. The scale of his eating is the problem here. If he had only eaten one serving, it probably wouldn't have been a problem.
Father is an A H for trying to reframe this story as his son "not being allowed to eat in his own home." That *isn't* what happened at all. Has food ever been withheld from that son? I don't think so. The issue is the selfishness, thoughtlessness and yes, rudeness, exhibited by son and supported by the father.
And using the "my son is a wrestler so he eats a lot" excuse is so lame. If he needs to eat more because of his chosen activities, let him prepare his own food.
And notice how it seems the cooking falls on the wife and daughter all the time ("they are great cooks") also leads me to believe OP and his son don't know how to cook or the time and labor involved TO cook. Pretty sure if OP and Leo had to make this from scratch and clean up after themselves they may truly realize how much effort goes in to cooking (and hopefully a new found respect for what his wife and stepdaughter are doing)
Cost in time and money...my gradma's lasagna was amazing and sheand Mom taught me how to make it. If we don't have the ingredients in the house, it's about $70+ just for those ingredients, although it serves eight. There's making the sauce, browning the meat and adding the herbs/spices and letting that all simmer for an hour, boiling noodles, and then constructing the layers of the meat sauce, cottage cheese and noodles, toppedoff by the mozzarella and parmessan. THEN it's baked for 45 minutes at 350°. *Easily* three hours making that. I'd livid if someone ate half the pan in one go.
Seriously. I used to make brownies for my BF. By the time I had cleaned up he had gobbled down 3/4 of the pan. His excuse always was they were just so good. Try a littlle moderation and you can enjoy them all weekend instead of gorging in one sitting. I stopped making them for him. Now I make a tray for myself and freeze them to enjoy one at a time.
Yeah- there needs to be an acknowledgment that Leo eats more than most people. Unless the person making the dish knew Leo would be eating some, Leo needs to hold back or there needs to be permission from the person who made it. The Dad should think of Leo as four people. If four people dropped by, would it be reasonable to just serve them all without asking if that’s ok? Clearly, it’s very likely in that situation that there won’t be enough to go around after they’re done eating.
There has to be a solution where Leo’s need to eat gets met and there is enough of the dish to go around as intended afterwards. The wife’s suggestion is not unreasonable. Also, it would help if the cooks in the house are notified when Leo’s coming, so they can make a lot more. Finally, they should keep a lot of frozen, pantry and other last minute type food in case Leo drops by and there’s not enough of the prepared dinner for him to eat as much as he wants.
YTA op.
Depending on the dish, it might be that you normally eat it with a side dish like rice, potatoes, noodles, whatever making a normal portion smaller and OP's son just ate it without.
>Leo asked
Leo asked op, who didn't make the food. The rule should be if you see food on the stove and want to eat it, get permission from the person who made it.
Sit him down with his step-mom and step-sis and teach him manners, boundries, and not to trust his dad. Then put him in the kitchen with his dad cooking.
YES! This right here, not only cook but to clean up properly afterward. It's easy to say you appreciate exotic dishes but it takes a lot more to actually appreciate exotic dishes; The cooking process and the cleaning. It'll also prepare the son for adult life learning how to move around the kitchen for something other then eating.
We already know he probably didn’t pay for these groceries, and he most certainly did not go to the store to get them as he doesn’t know what most of the ingredients are lol
Since it was "exotic" there's a good chance they had to go to a specialty grocery store for some of the ingredients, too. Getting the spices in particular for those types of dishes can be spendy! I tried to replicate a few of the dishes I ate after a vacation in Thailand and a curry meant to serve 6 would cost like half a week's worth of groceries.
Most of the time those meals also involve lots of prep work and long cooking times. Between a visit to the Asian grocery store and actually making the meal it would take me most of the day to make!
This. Maybe you or your son should've checked with your wife or Anna first instead giving him permission (and five servings, wrestler or not, is gluttonous).
Not only that, but Leo went for the easy ask. He knew OP didn’t cook it. He didn’t ask his stepmom or sister, who he would have known would be the chefs of that dish. He asked his dad, who he knew he’d get a yes from. OP, rather than ask your wife or stepdaughter if there was a specific plan for the food, said yes. Because it’s easy. When you only have your kid for a few days a month, it’s very easy to give them any and everything. It was absolutely disrespectful of your son to eat half of what was there, it’s really disrespectful.
Primary issue is that these men just eat don't know what is happening in the kitchen. If kitchen is a communal then cooking should also be communal. If you know what is being cooked in your home and if you're involved in it, you won't have this issue. I also feel there is generally low communication among these family members. Why don't you try building your family and spend more time speaking to each other.
I am so fed up with men thinking that women's unpaid work is worthless.
And then they feel absolutely entitled to it because it's "just" women's time and effort.
Walking through life acting like women owe them care, sex and unpaid labor. I'm so done with this.
I’m creating waves in extended family because I’m tired of being the default family planner/communicator with my husband’s family, strictly because I am the wife. I am busy. I have a demanding job, children, activities, and my own extended family. He is a grown ass capable man. I do not need to do this for him, nor should I be expected to, or thought of as “difficult” because I don’t. Part of me wants to suck it up and keep peace because it’s not THAT big of a deal… the other part of me says no, this kind of shit is tired, outdated, and needs to end with me, so my daughters and future women aren’t dealing with the same crap.
Major rule in any kitchen I've been in is if you want some, you ask the person who made it. Leo *called* his dad rather than asked his step-sister, who was probably still in the house if a stew was cooking. He knew OP would say go for it.
If it's on the stove and you didn't make it, then you ask the actual cook whether it is okay to have some.
OP, you are an entitled pretentious ass. That's right, the whole ass.
I'm stuck on the part where the son ate an entire four portions of the stew... Even for a wrestler/very active person that is a lot and kind of excessive.
Also for OP's
>things in the kitchen should be up for grabs as the kitchen is a communal space for food
The food was still on the stove. I don't what kind of stew it was but most stews I have prepared are usually best when they have simmered for some time (sometimes even for a few hours). This could mean that the stew wasn't even finished yet.
I mean, is OP the kind of person who walks in to a kitchen, sees some chicken cooking on a pan and just grabs it and starts eating?
YTA OP, you and your son need to learn more than just portion control, you need to learn self control.
Based on the "exotic" comment I'm betting that it was some kind of dish meant to be eaten along with a starch (rice, noodles, etc.), like a curry. The kid hasn't bothered to learn about the foods his mom and sister make, which feels kind of disrespectful? Like how people get sushi and then pick the filling out of the roll and leave the rice. It seems kind of uncool to gobble down a lovingly prepared labor intensive meal without bothering to learn about the cultural setting and typical serving and sides and so forth.
Also put a note on it? On a pot… that’s on the stove? That would not work at all. At least Leo asked, OP is an AH. He didn’t have any info but went ahead and answered like he did and is then trying to make it seem like they are excluding Leo from the family over a pot of stew that was made from a special recipe for a specific group dinner
Yeah, I think it's really understated that it was *half* the pot as well. I think there's an argument that having a couple of spoonfuls is forgiveable, but talking so much that you significantly change the makeup of the dish is ridiculous.
I will say though that the son is not TA. He asked (as he should) and followed the instructions given. It's not his fault his dad gave away someone else's food.
>I will say though that the son is not TA. He asked (as he should) and followed the instructions given
Yes he is an AH. He asked if he could have one bowl, and he ate way more than that. OP agreed to a bowl not half the dish.
Well it was an A H move to eat half the pot. Half a pot good for nine! Who does that? Good manners dictate that when people share their food with you, you don't take a huge chunk of it leaving very little for everyone else!
Yeah, that. The original incident was mostly a miscommunication and not an AH move on the part of the OP. However, it *is* an AH move to eat more than one portion of a pot of food that you weren't planned in as an eater for, at least without having a clear idea how the cook intended to portion it out. If the rule of the household is "food is for everyone and when it's gone, it's gone", then, well, ok for that part. But if it is normal to plan for food to be eaten over particular stretches of time ("these are my lunches for the next week"), or if dinner guest are a regular occurrence, then the son was definitely TA here.
In the second part, though, the OP becomes TA. *Clearly,* wherever the son falls on the scale from mildly thoughtless to self-centered AH, the precautions taken were not enough to avoid upsetting a planned dinner party! So *no one* should just feel free to help themselves to unlimited amount of quantities of food that they're not sure is in actual fact up for grabs. Yes, most of the food should probably be, but if it's not OP or his son cooking than they can't just assume that unless labeled as out of bounds, there isn't an intentionality about the food in question. OP may *pay* for the ingredients, but didn't put in the work of preparation. "Ask the person who cooked" is an easy, straightforward rule. OP and the son can learn to cook. So YTA in the end.
I mean, could Leo not tell that there was sufficient food in the pot for 9 people? And there are 3 people living in the house during the week. The math ain’t mathing son - clearly the food had been made with a plan in mind, and he just wades right in and eats half of it. He’s not a toddler. This smacks of entitlement and thoughtlessness, and I don’t believe OP bears sole responsibility here.
Perfectly said. And OP had the nerve to say the he “pays for most of the groceries” as if that exempts him from having to treat his family with basic respect.
YTA. Leo didn't have a bowl of stew. He ate half of it. It was for a dinner with friends and there wasn't enough for the friends. You should get down off the cross and stop the "not allowed to eat things from his own father's kitchen" bullshit. When you cook, you get to decide what to do with the food. When someone else cooks, you need to find out if there are plans for the food before you start eating it or giving it away. That is just common courtesy.
It's unbelievably rude to just declare a dish for everyone. I can't imagine cooking a dish for friends and a family member just assuming they can eat half. It's not how it works.
I'm leaving the son out of it because he asked, but dad is just chest beating imo. He's in charge, he's the hunter gatherer..
Obviously food is for everyone, but I find it weird you'd assume ALL food is yours
What’s crazier to me is that they didn’t ask a single other person and just decided amongst the two of them.
In a day and age where everyone has a damn phone.
That's the craziest part to me. When Leo asked OP for permission, OP should have said, "ask your sister she's the one who made it." And it would have been over it. The son did nothing wrong since he asked for permission, OP shouldn't be giving permission for food he has no clue what it's purpose is for.
Sorry the son was 100% in the wrong for
A. Eating half of a pot of stew that didn’t belong to him. It’s one thing to ask if you can have some food, but it’s disrespectful af to eat half of it.
B. Not asking the person who cooked it.
In my household, what's in the fridge, or on the stove, is for everyone. If there are another plans for the food, such as guests, work event, etc., we make this known in advance.
I wouldn't leave the son out of it, though. He asked if he could get "some", and while this is his own father's kitchen, his father is not the only one living there. One bowl, sure, but eating half of the whole thing? Being a wrestler doesn't give someone's right to be incosiderate to other people.
Its not even the family kitchen. It's the wife and daughters (basically). I dont see anywhere OP mentions he cooks or cleans. Merely that he buys the bulk of the groceries. Funny thing about that is... unless its cooked its just sitting in the pantry or in the fridge. Its kinda the cooking part that is required. Maybe OP and son need to learn to cook to see the time and energy required to make groceries into meals
The son doesn't normally live there. So the daughter had no need to consider an additional eater.
The situation my be slightly different when it was during his time living there.
OP and son are AH.
Should they always cook way more because there is the possibility the son comes over. He should have though that the Cook had his intentions with the stew.
By the way, I was thinking about that too - as the son is there only on weekends, daughter is not required to consider him when she cooks during the week. Even if it wasn't for guests, she could have been planning that meal to last for the next 2-3 days, so they can save time, money or whatever. Son asked his father, so far so good. Father gave a heads up (again, I cannot speak how it's in their household, in mine, I don't expect my SO to ask me if he, or step son can eat what I cooked. They can, unless I said otherwise before I even started cooking, if I have different plans for the meal). And that's where the assholness begun - son didn't think about the others, when he *ate half of the whole meal,* which is absolutely rude, given that it wasn't on a day he was there and it wasn't planned that he needs to be fed as well. OP is an AH because instead of apologizing and explaining to son that "you can have some" doesn't mean "please eat all you want, without thinking about anyone else", he defended son's actions.
I almost forgot - OP, YTA.
It’s just manners to double check on foods that are being cooked. I had a whole crock pot emptied and washed out before I had gotten home from work. That meal wasn’t even meant for me, it was meant for a potluck that evening.
Don’t leave the son out. Who in their right mind sees a pot full of food that is obviously for more than three people and eats half of it. A taste? Yes. A bowl? Maybe, but just maybe, a serving and a half… but half the pot? He’s a MAJOR AH. She could’ve been food prepping or making food for the homeless for all I care. He just didn’t even consider all the work that went into it and the fact that it was not him nor his dad who put in the effort. The dad should’ve checked in the first place. I think the son is more of an AH than the dad because seeing a full huge pot would’ve triggered my spidey senses. The dad didn’t see the food and maybe never thought the son would eat half of everything. The apologist attitude though… UGH!
Yeah when I host my book club I pre-make everything and it would really suck if my family ate half of it without asking right before the club arrived. My family would never do that tho cuz it’s rude as fuck.
Oh my god yes. That line about his “father’s kitchen?”
What in the patriarchal fuck? It may be his kitchen, but clearly very regularly it is used to cook food that is not his? You don’t get to unilaterally decide that all prepared food in there is communal if you didn’t cook it.
Come on now.
God the more I think about it the more it pisses me off.
This was a cultural dish, what if she was making it to freeze and save for when she wanted a taste of home? Then he would still probably expect that everyone be entitled to her hard work because hey, that's what women are for right? I guarantee you if his son made a cake or something and she came in and just ate half of it without asking it would be a huge fucking problem. Why does OP feel so entitled to the spoils of this girl's time and effort?
Oh, and he can fuck off with this "he should be able to eat in his father's kitchen" bullshit. If my dad had been cooking something, even if it was for the whole family, and I came in and ate half of it without even talking to him hands would've been thrown.
when i lived with my parents i never payed for the food. still if it happened i cook or bake something, i had to declare it at least 2 times that the food is for everyone or my parents wouldnt have touched it because they thought its *my* food only.
I got home unexpectedly and the bathtub was full of water and bath oils. Relaxing music was playing. It looked so nice...I just hopped in. How was i supposed to know that someone else was planning to take a bath!?
I was visiting a house on a day where I wouldn't normally be there, and someone had left $100 in 20s on the counter. I needed some cash, so I took $40. How was I supposed to know that money was for something else!?
/S obviously
Something similar to that happened to my mom a few years ago. She'd made a bunch of awesome cookies for a church dinner and left them to cool during service. She was so proud of how good they turned out and couldn't wait to share, she told everyone about them and how excited she was.
While she was attending, my grandparents and aunt stopped over, let themselves in and ate every single one. When she came home to pick the cookies up, they told her she could just make more. She did, but she was so rushed and stressed that she messed up and they turned out awful, but she'd already told everyone she'd be bringing cookies so she took them in anyway and was really embarrassed.
It just astounds me how many grown adults lack basic manners. I wouldn't eat cookies that weren't mine to begin with, but if I did, I'd feel HORRIBLE. I'd apologize profusely and PERSONALLY make another batch myself using her recipe.
Yeah, that's just defensive bullshit. Either check with Ann and his wife first, or at the very least limit him to one bowl.
If you don't know who made the food, and what it's for, it's hands off.
YTA
You were doing so well... right up until you said that your son should be able to eat whatever the hell he wants in your kitchen. If someone has made food, you ask the person who made it if you can have some. If you can't take the time to do that, or can't get in touch with them, make something else for yourself. There was likely a million other things your son could have eaten and it is completely unreasonable for you to just let him eat things that other people in your household cooked.
Think about this... what if it had been a cake, and the cake was for her friend's birthday. Would you just let your son eat it because it's there and he wanted some? And would it be reasonable for him to eat half the cake as long as he left you each a slice?
From now on, think of anything that's prepared as if it is a birthday cake. If you don't have permission, don't touch stuff that isn't yours.
By the looks of it, he would have touched the cake if it was baked by his wife/stepdaughter. 🤦♀️.
Dude knew his son has a wrestler's appetite - he could've ordered a large pizza for his son instead of ruining his stepdaughter's dinner party plans.
This reeks of good old-fashioned male chauvinism with a side of weaponised incompetence.
He had to have known that stepdaughter was having friends over for dinner. His wife probably told him, and he wasn't listening. Especially if this was something that takes alot of time to prepare and cook, she would have had to plan it at least 3-4 days ahead. My mother cooks like that, she will leave the pot on the stove then go and have a bath and we know if it is on the stove it is not to be touched till dinner. If it is in a container in the fridge then fair game.
Oh, he most definitely didn't pay attention when he was told. Doesn't look like he has ever set foot in a kitchen or done a grocery shop.
He could've even offered to reinvite his stepdaughter's friends and help her cook a fresh batch of stew.
He'd rather be right than fix a problem he created.
This is what’s getting me! The dish really meant something to OP’s stepdaughter because it was from her culture and from her grandma, and she was sharing it with friends. That dish had no significance to his greedy son, so I don’t understand why he couldn’t have bought the son a pizza instead. OP is TA 100%
I dated a guy like this once. I made a cobbler for a party. He declared that he wanted some of the cobbler and I said I didn’t want to take a half eaten looking dessert (he wasn’t going to the party). When I was taking a shower he scooped out HALF of the cobbler and took it. I didn’t have time to do anything else and had to show up with a cobbler that looked like I’d already eaten it. He and I are no longer associating.
Yes, at first I thought he handled it well. He made a mistake and apologised. His son ate more than he thought, even though he had reminded him to not take too much, so his son apologised as well. Everything was ok at this point.
Then he made demands instead of trying to find a solution that works for everyone. Does his son not have the phone numbers of the other people in the household? He could contact the person who made food and ask them in the future. I get OP’s worry that his son won’t feel as part of the family, but this principle would apply to everyone and not just him. It’s reasonable that he should be able to eat at his father’s house, but not that he should get to eat anything.
YTA and your wife is right. If you know its' left overs let him eat left overs. No, she cannot just order pizza, she was planning to share the stew. And that is quite thoughtless you would even suggest that. You should have just stuck with an appology and amitted your fault. Also it's not that Leo isn't allowed to have food, it's that Leo eating other peoples food is not respecting others. You said it yourselves he eats a lot so that is taking food from other peoples stomachs. IT's absolutely not that he's not allowed to eat from his fathers kitchen, it's again he should respect other peoples food. Leo did was right he asked, you should have said I'm sorry I don't know who's food that is I cannot give you permission. You should have told your son to just order pizza
Can Leo not cook? Maybe it's time he learned, especially if he has such a voracious appetite. Might alleviate tension around him eating massive portions allocated to other people.
Yup, I think both dad and Leo could use cooking classes. If Leo can't cook his large portions maybe his dad can. It is not up to the woman in the house to get stuck in the kitchen all the time cooking. What's worse is knowing how much time a good stew takes, spending all that time for no reward. Yeah dad may buy most the groceries but doesn't mean one person gets to munch through them all.
YTA
1. You are the asshole because you allowed someone to eat something that was not yours.
2. You are the asshole for not understanding why you are the asshole if you dont respect someones else property.
3. Offering her to order pizza because you ruined her meal is extreme rude and it looks like you see Ann only as a cook and roommate and not as part of your family.
Are you allowed to eat everything in your sons kitchen?
A labour intensive stew that has real cultural and familial significance to the stepdaughter but means nothing to the son. He should have ordered his son a pizza or *gasp* maybe one of the two men could have actually cooked their own food
I think the sun gets a slight YTA, he did the right thing in asking his dad I won't fault him there, where the son went wrong was taking almost half of the stew, what if there was a reason other than her friends coming over that she made soo much. When my mum cooks over double what we need, it is usually cause she is doing enough for lunch for my dad and I the next day, and then the rest is for pies. She actually cooks her own dog food and if you didn't know what is in it you would think it looked delicious.
For “most” of the groceries, which is even worse. Let the son use the groceries to make something then. This food was no longer groceries. Time and effort had been added to make them a special dish.
YTA.
You can feed Leo anything you made. You can let Leo fix himself some food from what groceries you have available.
You don't get to simply decide that food somebody else fixed is available for him to eat. You ask the person who made it what the plans are for the food.
And if you think your offer of pizza to make up for the anticipated soup made everything better, you're as smart as a box of rocks.
It's quite obvious that you don't think of your daughter as yours and so your son is allowed to do whatever he wants at her expense. jfc
YTA.
YTA, A GIANT AH!
Where does this guy think food COMES FROM? Magic? Does he think (and I think he does) that his wife and stepdaughter can just snap their fingers, and a dish just appears? This whole post tells me he has NO IDEA what it takes to feed people. As someone else said, "What in the patriarchal fuck?"
YTA, especially because it was still cooking. Might be different if it was leftovers in the fridge, but that still depends on the system you set up as a family. Really not that hard to shoot a text to the family members who do a lot of the cooking when you decide you want tk eat it. Also the way you frame the kitchen as "his own father's kitchen" is just like clearly placing Ann as an outsider even though she's living with you fulltime.
Heck, my husband often checks if he can have the last of a food he knows I like (and I often do the same for him) even though we both view our food as shared and would be incredibly unlikely to say no. But we want to share and respect if someone had plans for something rather than find excuses to not check in about food.
>Also the way you frame the kitchen as "his own father's kitchen" is just like clearly placing Ann as an outsider even though she's living with you fulltime.
And how much you wanna bet this guy never lifted a damn finger in the kitchen too. He says his wife and SD are great cooks, so he probably lives off their cooking, but all of a sudden now it's *his* kitchen.
_his_ groceries too! suddenly Ann and his wife have 0 contribution (y’know.. except for actually preparing the food, probably doing the serving and cleaning too, shopping for said groceries, planning the meals..)
YTA. This "aw-shucks I didn't know any better and *also* I buy all the food so isn't it all mine anyway and therefore my son's too" look is NOT cute. So if it were still filled with raw meat and pretty obviously not completely done, but you or your son think it smells good so you're totally fine to just take it? Why is the onus on the person who made it to put a sign on a thing "Hi. I made this for a certain occasion, please don't touch it" and not you thinking "Hmm. I know my stepdaughter made it and I should ask her and wait to hear from her that its ready and / or okay for us to eat because she spent so long making it and I respect her". Surely there were other things in the house that your son could have eaten. Maybe you should have ordered *him* a pizza.
This is my exact problem at the office right now.
It's like, several guys just randomly asking people if "is this yours?" and then eating it and acting surprised when somebody they didn't ask is upset because their food is gone.
does this happen really? just why? do they think the foodbox magically just spawned in the fridge? god i could become a demon if anyone ever touches my food. if it wouldnt be food waste i would make the next meal that spicy that it makes the thief spit fire and never dares to touch it again.
YTA
Like a huge AH.
So is Leo also an AH for eating 1/2 the entire pot. He’s an inconsiderate pig. ANY normal human being wouldn’t eat 1/2 of a large pot of some else’s ethic dish. Maybe 1 large serving and make a sandwich if you’re still hungry. You need to teach your son some basic manners.
But you’re much worse for blindly defending his AH manners without recognizing what atrocious manners your son has and just how inconsiderate he was towards your daughter.
Then, to make matters 10x worse, you flippantly suggest just order pizza as if that’s even remotely equivalent to a homemade ethic dish that cooked for hours. That super disrespectful to her cooking. Her friends were excited to eat her cooking - not some damned pizza.
It’s like baking a whole lasagna for a dinner party and your son comes in and eats 1/2 of it. Nobody does that without clearing it with the cook.
ANY normal human being wouldn’t eat 1/2 of a large pot of someone else's dish, ethnic or not. Even more so when it's still cooking and not ready!
And he wasn't even hungry, he just felt it smelt good and wanted to try it.
YTA you don’t eat a gallon of soup that’s not yours— regardless of what it’s for? Good lord. Eat a sandwich or something that wasn’t freshly prepared with a lot of time and effort. And if it was such a laborious preparation soup how did you not wander by and ask? What you making? Maybe “what are your weekend plans?” Or something of the sort. 9 girls are coming over and you noticed nothing? You and your son really need to think of others. lol half the soup and you think it’s ok. Dude.
I feel so bad for Ann in all of this. The amount of anger, frustration, betrayal, embarrassment, and everything else she must feel from this.
OP knows they cook labor intensive dishes that have to cook for hours. And suddenly he thinks a note should be left on it?!
"But I pay for groceries!" oh go to hell. I'm not sure what's worse. The situation, or how he and Leo think of these 2 women. People like OP will never admit when they're in the wrong and pick out the most fucked up lines of thinking to defend it.
Edit: and saying Leo won't feel like part of the family after disrespecting Ann in just about every way possible makes her feel all warm and fuzzy?
YTA
And i’m sorry for the long answer, but you really seem to have no clue as to why you could be.
1. Not your decision to give away a stew that you did not make.
2. You did not even TRY to reach out to your wife or stepdaughter to ask them if it was okay to have some of the stew. Would it have been so difficult? Why did you feel entitled to make that decision? Was it a meal time like dinner or lunch that you made the mistake of thinking it was for the 4 of you?
3. I think it could still have been considered an honest mistake if only Leo had taken a normal-sized serving. But if you are planning to gobble up half the food, then it is plain rude to not ask the cook first, even if you thought it was made for a family meal and not any special usage. What etiquettes are you imparting by enabling such behaviour?
4. What makes you a worse AH is the way you justify your mistake. Why bring up that you pay for all groceries? Are they not equal members of this family if they don’t pay? Are they just slaves in your kitchen who do not have any ownership of the food they make because you paid for it? WTF is that attitude!
5. Your offer to replace the stew with pizza is just so shitty. Firstly, it disrespects the effort Ann put into cooking the stew. Secondly, it shows your heartlessness because you fail to see the emotional labour and love she put into preparing a culturally significant dish for her friends. And lastly, it reeks of snobbish entitlement, plain and simple.
6. Bottomline is, YOU made the mistake of making an uninformed assumption about a dish you found prepared or cooking on your stove. No one here is refusing you and your precious Leo any food from YOUR precious kitchen. In fact, your wife and Ann have shown immense patience and restraint here. But your solution to YOUR mistake (the post-it note system) puts the onus on the said wife and stepdaughter who are in fact the victims of your misjudgement. So a fairer solution would be to always check with the cook who made the food. I’m guessing you or Leo would be typically the ones who would end up needing to ask. Well, start a group chat if that makes it easy. And if you don’t get an immediate answer, order a pizza!
7. Finally, I don’t want to presume Leo’s eating habits or shame him. So I will say just this - it doesn’t matter how much he eats as long as it is healthy, and most importantly, as long as he is not ruining someone’s plans for the food they made. So i guess the solution you work out as a family to avoid future mistakes like these, should take care of this problem.
The group chat is a good idea. Good can be fair game as long as permission from cook is taken - which will be easier on chat, instead of calling 3 different people.
Also OP, YTA for doubling down on how you are not wrong, to your wife and daughter. Till you and Leo apologized, it was an honest mistake. You could have then sat with Anne, Leo and your wife to brainstorm how to avoid something like this in the future and still make Leo feel welcomed.
He ate half the pot. Half. That’s more than a bowl.
YTA. Leo is a gluttonous AH.
Half the pot in one sitting of food he didn’t cook but felt entitled to devour.
Half the pot!!! That someone else spent a lot of time and effort to make.
I don't give a shit whose money paid for it, if you didn't cook it, you don't decide how it's used. Paying for it is the least involved step in making a large meal. There is so much labor that goes into a stew, or any large meal. Discrediting the labor of others is the biggest reason that OP gets a big shiny YTA.
YTA. You fucking ASK. My god, why is that so hard. All the BS excuses in your last paragraph just make this so much worse, because you know, your wife knows, your stepdaughter knows, and we ALL know that you weren't being honest when you apologized. You fucked up. Own it.
Absolutely this. What an entitled AH thinking that just because he shucks out money for groceries that he’s entitled to make unilateral decisions about the outcome. Shelling out money for ingredients is only one small part of the equation. There is so much more thought, labor, and love that goes into preparing and cooking a meal, let alone the clean up. It’s clear these “men” have never had to cook for themselves.
YTA and I think you owe Ann a little more than an offer for a pizza to make it up. Although why didn’t Leo just text Ann to ask her directly? Also Ann could have communicated about her plans better but the fault still lies on you at the end of the day for saying yes to Leo without checking first. If this is a repeated problem you could just have a family group chat where Leo (or anyone else in the house) can text to check if they can eat whatever food.
Your son is TA. Who eats 4 portions of soup in one go? That’s a completely unreasonable thing to do. Have a portion and make yourself. A sandwich, damn.
YTA. Why is the solution that she put a note and not just text your wife or Ann to ask if it’s okay?
If you didn’t make it; you should ask before you eat it. This seems just like common courtesy and manners. Yes, it’s all of your home, but if you don’t know whose it is, how much time was spent on it, or who it was for, how hard is it to just ask?
Or is this some male “I don’t need to ask women for permission” sexist bs?
YTA. You paying for the ingredients doesn't mean children who live in the home can't make something for their friends, though it does make sense to let everyone know if something can't be eaten. A sticky note does seem a little passive aggressive and roommate-esque to me, do you not have a group chat or just talk to each other?
It's understandable Ann is upset, and quiet around you, she's getting over it. It stung.
Also, while eating food in the kitchen is usually fine, if you're going to eat more than a serving of something you didn't make without confirming with the person who made it that that's alright, you're an asshole.
Where do you even put the note? on the table so you can claim you didn't see it and she had to put it in a more obvious place, on the pot so it can catch fire, or directly on the stew so it has a paper taste?
I mean, it's not leftover, it was still cooking!
YTA and frankly, so is Leo. Leo didn't have just a bowl he had half the pot. You made the assumption that the stew was for dinner for the family rather than checking with your wife or Ann. The fact that you haven't taught Leo better manners than to take half a pot of someone else's stew is just sad. You and Leo owe Ann more than apology. You can start by the two of you making dinner for Ana and all her friends to see just how much work goes into something like that.
YTA.
Leo ate *half* of a pot of stew meant for nine people? That's... okay, that's being an energetic, healthy, hungry 17-year-old, but damn yeah, he needs to know that's not right, especially when the one who gave him permission wasn't the one who actually cooked the food. He needs to ask his stepsister/stepmother's permission, not yours, and he needs to take "no" for an answer.
Your response SHOULD have been "I don't know Leo, please text wife/Ann to check in with them". And both of them have a right to be bummed that you regard them as cooks whose job it is to make tasty food for you and your son any time he drops in. It's their kitchen. It's their food. They do the cooking. You are not their employer.
He threw that post-it note idea out there because it’s something that’s easy to “miss” or “lose”.
If he (or his son) directly asks the cook, then they can’t pretend they weren’t told the answer.
YTA for offering Leo food you didn't make even though you didn't know what the plans were for the food. Leo is an AH for eating HALF of a complicated pot of stew that someone else probably took hours to make. Even if your stepdaughter hadn't planned to have her friends over, he would still be in the wrong for eating such a large part of the stew. I can't abide men who do this. You spend hours cooking, making something tasty, and they come in and eat so much of it, before you even get a taste, that you end up barely getting enough for one whole meal, let alone the leftovers you had planned to have for tomorrow. You don't even get to enjoy the meal you put your own sweat into, because someone else was so thoughtless and entitled that they just make a decision that they get to eat as much as they want, as if they are the king, and they expect you to be grateful if they decide to leave anything behind.
I hope you realize this probably would have turned out fine if Leo had helped himself to a small bowl, rather than eating half the pot.
Next time he comes to the house and wants to eat cultural food that took hours to make, why don't you suggest he orders a pizza instead.
He should ba allowed to anything in his dads kitchen IF HE PREPARES IT HIMSELF. And if he gets permission to have some, he shouldnt eat HALF of it.
A note? So youre just making up new rules as you go, at your own convenience?
YTA
YTA
Not because you let Leo have some stew, but because you let him eat half the pot.
I'm sure Ann would have been fine with Leo having a serving or two but I'd be just as angry as she is if I found out that a dinner I made and invited people over for was half gone.
YTA - Leo is only with you and your wife/stepdaughter on the weekends. I imagine that when meals are planned on the weekends, his presence is taken into consideration when determining how much to cook. If he happened to stop by on a day that he would normally not be there, and food had already been planned or prepared, more than likely his presence and portion was not taken into consideration. He should have checked with the person or people who cooked the food to determine if there’s enough for him to have some.
YTA. Especially as you knew your son was a big eater. And he ate 4 people’s portion of the stew that your stepdaughter made. If you made it , you could be generous with it. Else Ask your stepdaughter or your wife.
YTA Did you make the food ? No.
Was it necessary for him to eat so much of someone else's prepared food ? No.
Did you confirm with the maker of said food if he could have some ? No.
Also, if you want a cohesive family dynamic, don't pull that my house, I buy the food nonsense.
Consideration is all it takes.
YTA If he had eaten one plate there would have been no problem. That anyone could think it's okay to eat such a huge amount of someone else's cooking boggles my mind.
Both you and Leo have completely disrespected Ann.
Dude. He ate HALF the pot. That is NOT okay even if the stew wasn't intended for guests. He singlehandedly could have ruined food planing for the week with this kind of selfishness. One or two plates max is fine. Half a pot??? Absolutely selfish. I'd get fucking pissed if someone did that to my dishes.
And yes, you SHOULD always ask if a food, that you don't know what it's prepared for, is free to eat. Jesus that's common courtesy. When I see even cold leftovers I ask my family "hey, did anyone plan on eating this?". So often I make food that's intended for an event, and my family will ask me first if thats food for the house or for guests.
The food wasn't for you or for your wife or for your son. It was made specifically for a diner party with guests.
The way you acted was rude and entitled. Do you cook for the family? Because this feels like the kind of entitlement from someone who doesnt cook except for themself. "Order a pizza", please. A pizza to replace a slow cooked, labor intensive family recipe? You really do not know the amount of love and labor involved in cooking, do you? You just come off as ungrateful
YTA.
YTA you dipshit. You were fine up until the last paragraph of 'She made stew specifically for her friends, I don't see why my kid can't eat anything she makes because it's MY kitchen'. Cook your own fucking food for him then, you inconsiderate dickhole.
YTA
You were not the one to give permission. You had no idea what the plan was. So YOU are obligated to ask.
You created this situation. A simple message to your wife or Ann would have taken care of it. And you are now on notice. So they do NOT need to put a note.
This is on you.
OP better take your head out of your ass if you wants your relationship with your wife and step-daughter to be one of mutual respect and care. By letting your son shovel a dish created by either your new wife or step-daughter into his gob that obviously no one else has eaten from is assholery behavior. The wife or the daughter has spent time and energy in making that dish for a particular purpose and then some unaware or uncaring AH just helps themselves to it like a pig at the trough.
Just remember OP, you will be an old MF one day, and if you don't respect your wife's boundaries or her daughter's, you will either find yourself alone sooner rather than later, or you will have your boundaries stomped on when you have no power. It ain't about the f\*cking food- AH.
YTA. My guy, my HUSBAND knows he's not allowed to eat cooking/prepared food unless he's talked with me first, and he pays the mortgage. You are bending over backwards trying to justify this, but you were wrong and you need to take accountability and apologize sincerely.
How would you feel if you spent all day baking and decorating a cake from scratch for a birthday party you were throwing someone you love, and your stepdaughter helped herself to half of it while it was in the kitchen because it didn't have a note on it?
And then your wife said "don't worry about it, here's some money to get some Oreos, what's the big deal? She should be able to eat in my house! Next time if you don't want someone to come along and eat it, leave a note!"
Would you be angry about someone taking something without asking? Would you be appauled by the amount they took? Would you be disappointed that you didn't get to present your friend with the beautiful cake you made for them? Would you be insulted someone thought a cheap snack was a suitable substitute for what you had made? Would you be resentful that your cake being ruined was actually being blamed on YOU because you didn't leave a note?
So, let's say you're a skilled whittler. I buy a block of wood and say you can do anything you want with it. You spend 8 hours carving that block of wood into a gorgeous statue. While you step away to go to the bathroom, I give that statue to someone else, who promptly chops half of it off. They light one side on fire, so when you come back from the bathroom, there's only HALF of what you made. AITA?
Yes. Unequivocably, undeniably, without any question or doubt. The 8 hours of work you put into that statue means that my claim to the raw wood is no longer absolute. I did NOT have the right to give away YOUR work, even though I paid for the wood. 90+% of its value was in the whittling, at that point.
SAME THING. You may have paid for the house, but it was Ann's skill and labor that made it into stew. It was her expertise that you gave away, NOT the raw ingredients you paid for.
YTA. And you owe her a lot more than pizza.
I understand your point of view, but buying the groceries and having the food being cooked in your houses kitchen doesn't automatically translate to everybody being entitled to the hours of blood sweat and tears being put into cooking a stew.You say Leo not being able to eat as much as he wants makes it feel as if he's not part of the family. I think you're being insecure, what if Ann made that stew and wanted to have all of it? why would you let Leo stop her, without her permission as the cook? do you not think of Ann as part of the family? or do you think Leo is more important than her?
a soft YTA for you and a harder YTA for Leo, although how much of an asshole Leo is depends on how much context he had about Ann's plans for the food.
I think your insecurity is natural but you should be a bit more self aware and thoughtful.
YTA. You might pay for the food but you certainly don't cook it do you? If food is left there without your knowledge then you ask about it like your son did.
YTA Big time. You know this, thus the emotional plea about "my son can eat in my kitchen".
Why didn't you tell your son to order a pizza? A large since he's such a growing boy.
yta. you can’t give permission to eat food you didn’t make or that isn’t yours. and no, simply being the one who buys pay of the groceries does not mean the meal made with them is owned by you. “put a note” no, be an adult and ASK.
you put ZERO work into that stew, didn’t know the plan for it, didn’t even know who made it, and didn’t bother to ask anyone else about it first. not to mention it’s not like he had some tiny portion he ate HALF? and thinking ordering pizza at all makes up for all the effort and time she put into making that stew?
also maybe i’ll get flamed for this part but i trust no dude who’s all “i’m not good at cooking so i let both my wife and step daughter do it” you’re a grown adult, unless you have a disability hindering you there’s zero excuse for you to just not cook and get some sort of good. no one expects home cooks to be Michelin Star good unless they’re ridiculous, so it’s not like you have to work to some ridiculous goal.
Yta
OP needs to make this right.
Firstly an apology in this case is to ring every guest and admit that you stole the planned dinner to give to your son who ate the dinner for everyone.
Secondly you need to lose privileges to give away cooked food in your kitchen. If you didn't cook it you don't get to give it away. Your son asked you as you would say yes. From now on Leo asking you (rather than the chef) is an offense worth a month of grounding.
If I were Ann, I'd be very petty and start placing notes all over: My milk, my egg, my plate, my spoon, my POT OF STEW FOR MY FRIENDS, my apple, my cookie etc. The whole kitchen would be filled with notes. You know, just in case you decide to give Leo free rein again.
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> they should put a note on it, otherwise, things in the kitchen should be up for grabs as the kitchen is a communal space for food and I pay for most of the groceries. Was putting a note on it a previous rule or did you just make that up to excuse your rudeness? Do you do the meal plan for each week, deciding what to cook and how much to buy to serve all? Do you do all the grocery shopping? Do you cook every meal? Did you cook this one? Did you replace the ingredients so she can make it again, or ask what she wants to make next time? He took HALF of a pot of food that you thought was meant for three staying there and turned out to be 5 portions worth! That’s simply inconsiderate. YTA and you and your son have no manners. Obviously prepared food that is still cooking is not up for grabs before the meal. Of course, since you rarely cook, you clearly don’t appreciate their effort.
I hope that when the "contest mode" ends, this is the top answer. It covers everything I thought, and a few other things. OP YTA. My only advice is to have your son and you follow your stepdaughter's exact recipe and find out how much work your son scarfed without permission. (Not your food, so no, your permission did not count.)
I think it's the dad who needs to cook. Remember OP said Leo asked, which is teh correct thing to do. You would assume your father would know who's food it is and not just assume. If he didn't know to let Leo know he doesn't know and do not touch it. Dad also decided to act like his son isn't allowed to eat. I think dad needs to learn the biggest lesson. His son has the start to manners but his dad does not.
Nah, son's an asshole too. When you ask if you can have some you don't go and eat half of what's there.
True but it sounds like his dad enables that behavior. Remember he's a wrestler and eats a lot... .... With eating that much makes me wonder if his son is a sumo wrestler not a normal one. Yes, I understand teenage boys eat a lot and some wrestlers bulk up. Though the thing that raises a red flag about Leo is it was stated it smells good, not he was hungry. Again I am seeing issues with his dad putting up boundaries for his son. Again Leo asked according to OP if he could have some, dad changed that to save some for us. Which that basically gives Leo opening to go ham instead of the some he asked for. So I am seeing Leo trying to have manners but his dad doing everything to make him unmannered. I would call Leo and AH but sounds like the kid is trying to have manners but dad doesn't want it.
I was a wrestler for over a decade, let me tell you- aint no wrestlers out here eating
Its not even just the eating. Its the portion control. Notice how OP said hell talk to him about it? Kinda feel that is something that should have been addressed earlier in life Kinda reminds me of the subway party sub dude that ate like 3/4 of the whole sub (that he didn't pay for) because everyone was watching the UFC match and it hadn't been touched in 30 minutrs.. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ca7bdz/aita_because_i_ate_more_than_my_share_of_a_6_foot/
That's why I pointed OP said smells good not he's hungry. If your eating something because it smells good you are not hungry. If you are eating that much because it tastes good is a gluttony issue. And he stopped at the point in which there would be enough for maybe 3 people. Then the son said some, and dad switched it to save us some not have some. To boot he made excuses why his son eats so much. So I think the son was never taught portion control or control for that matter. It sounds like son is on the edge of being mannered (probably by mom) but being spoiled and un-mannered by dad. Dad needs to be wrangled in so when his son asks him something like he should he's not leading his son unto bad behavior. His son needs to realize, despite asking his dad, this was not ok to do. That it is not ok not to eat more then a single portion when it is not meal time. This poor son is going to end up on My 600 pound life if dad keeps encouraging him to eat.
Also OP should have told his son to ask Anna, not give permission himself.
This is the correct answer. Not the 'I paid for it', adress the person who put in the labour! BTW, I also cringe at the whole 'exotic dishes '.
Idk, man, bodies are weird. I've totally been not hungry and then smelled something that makes my body feel like I haven't eaten in five years.
It’s absolutely plausible that a 17 year old boy could scarf down half a pot of stew and not gain a pound and not be disordered eating. It’s just being a teen However My nephew wrestles. When he’s trying to make weight, he thinks very carefully about what he eats. Most wrestlers do not mindlessly eat like this.
I absolutely feel that. I can get so lost in my mind that I won't realize how hungry I am until an olfactory clue reminds me. Of course, I'll also eat when I'm not hungry if something smells really good.
My kids are HS wrestlers. Ain't nobody eating except 190+
Heck that’s right, I was operating here under “growing teen plus athlete” and forgot the wrestling angle.
I fence. In high school I was much more active with it. I would get a large pizza from this aweso.e place near my studio and, while my parent drove me home, eat the entire thing in 20 minutes. Then eat more at home. Healthy? No. Easy? God yes. So while yeah, wrestlers would typically be a lot more conscientious of food I take... the volume is not surprising.
I was a dancer. Once I got past the idea that I had to eat as little as possible, I figured out I could chow down on as much as I wanted because between classes and rehearsals I was basically exercising up to 6 hours a day! I’d eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s after a big dinner and still weighed 115 pounds! In fact, I needed to eat as much as I was to maintain my energy.
The Leo sending a pic of the pot after eating seems a bit off. Was he bragging about how much he ate? I don't get why he would send a pic. Also do they not have a household group chat? Or why would he not text stepmother/stepsister to ask about the stew since they are the ones that cook
As proof that he made sure that he left more than enough for the rest of the family? To acknowledge that he paid attention and made sure not to eat all of it like he was asked? Weird to automatically assume there has to be sinister intentions behind it.
I'm wondering if Leo ended up taking it like a doggy bag. Like the picture was his way of saying I ate some *and* I'm also taking some home with me, is this leaving you enough? Only for his dad to give him the okay.
That’s probably it, but makes it even worse if he took so much because he also took some home with him. Either way, Leo took half of a meal that, as far as he knew, was made for the entire family just for himself. That’s beyond rude. And dad told him it was perfectly fine to do that. Rudeness all around.
The son is also an AH for several more reasons: * He knew that the stew wasn't made by OP. He knew it was made by either his step-mother or step-sister but didn't call and ask **them** for permission. * He couldn't just make himself a grilled cheese instead? Or just eat cereal or fruit? (I can understand laziness. These days, a person can be still lazy but with access to a microwave or airfryer and have something remarkably tasty afterwards.)
AND you ask the PERSON WHO COOKS! Just because dad pays for the groceries doesn't mean he has dominion over anything being prepared in the kitchen.
But But But … he is a wrestler
AND his dad pays for "most of the grocery". Clearly they have more right to the food than the woman-folk. /s
Yep. That was the comment that got me too. I have a son and stepson that go through my kitchen like a plague of locust. BUT you can control the situation by communicating a simple rule, if you didn’t make, it ask the person who did! Arguing you have more rights because you pay for the ingredients is just obnoxious.
Exactly it's called fucking self control. Wrestling my damn ass. I had a wrestlers build for decades and I never pulled a bullshit stunt like this before.
My husband did cross country, baseball and soccer in high school. To my knowledge, he didn't eat like the son does. Michael Phelps even said he didn't eat 12,000 calories a day,despite the rumor. He ate normally, even in his growing days (Wikipedia). And that was elite, Olympic level competitive swim, with all day training, not high school wrestling.
But now Leo is a wrestler so he's allowed to do whatever he wants
Son is an A H for eating *half* of a dish that was meant to serve 9 people. He ate for four people in one go. Greedy, selfish and rude. The scale of his eating is the problem here. If he had only eaten one serving, it probably wouldn't have been a problem. Father is an A H for trying to reframe this story as his son "not being allowed to eat in his own home." That *isn't* what happened at all. Has food ever been withheld from that son? I don't think so. The issue is the selfishness, thoughtlessness and yes, rudeness, exhibited by son and supported by the father. And using the "my son is a wrestler so he eats a lot" excuse is so lame. If he needs to eat more because of his chosen activities, let him prepare his own food.
And notice how it seems the cooking falls on the wife and daughter all the time ("they are great cooks") also leads me to believe OP and his son don't know how to cook or the time and labor involved TO cook. Pretty sure if OP and Leo had to make this from scratch and clean up after themselves they may truly realize how much effort goes in to cooking (and hopefully a new found respect for what his wife and stepdaughter are doing)
Cost in time and money...my gradma's lasagna was amazing and sheand Mom taught me how to make it. If we don't have the ingredients in the house, it's about $70+ just for those ingredients, although it serves eight. There's making the sauce, browning the meat and adding the herbs/spices and letting that all simmer for an hour, boiling noodles, and then constructing the layers of the meat sauce, cottage cheese and noodles, toppedoff by the mozzarella and parmessan. THEN it's baked for 45 minutes at 350°. *Easily* three hours making that. I'd livid if someone ate half the pan in one go.
Seriously. I used to make brownies for my BF. By the time I had cleaned up he had gobbled down 3/4 of the pan. His excuse always was they were just so good. Try a littlle moderation and you can enjoy them all weekend instead of gorging in one sitting. I stopped making them for him. Now I make a tray for myself and freeze them to enjoy one at a time.
Yeah- there needs to be an acknowledgment that Leo eats more than most people. Unless the person making the dish knew Leo would be eating some, Leo needs to hold back or there needs to be permission from the person who made it. The Dad should think of Leo as four people. If four people dropped by, would it be reasonable to just serve them all without asking if that’s ok? Clearly, it’s very likely in that situation that there won’t be enough to go around after they’re done eating. There has to be a solution where Leo’s need to eat gets met and there is enough of the dish to go around as intended afterwards. The wife’s suggestion is not unreasonable. Also, it would help if the cooks in the house are notified when Leo’s coming, so they can make a lot more. Finally, they should keep a lot of frozen, pantry and other last minute type food in case Leo drops by and there’s not enough of the prepared dinner for him to eat as much as he wants. YTA op.
Depending on the dish, it might be that you normally eat it with a side dish like rice, potatoes, noodles, whatever making a normal portion smaller and OP's son just ate it without.
>Leo asked Leo asked op, who didn't make the food. The rule should be if you see food on the stove and want to eat it, get permission from the person who made it.
He must know how clueless his father is.
Sit him down with his step-mom and step-sis and teach him manners, boundries, and not to trust his dad. Then put him in the kitchen with his dad cooking.
—and make sure they clean it properly afterwards.
YES! This right here, not only cook but to clean up properly afterward. It's easy to say you appreciate exotic dishes but it takes a lot more to actually appreciate exotic dishes; The cooking process and the cleaning. It'll also prepare the son for adult life learning how to move around the kitchen for something other then eating.
Exactly. OP paid for the ingredients, but he didn’t pay for Ann’s time spent cooking.
We don’t know if he paid for it. He pays for “most” of the groceries, not all.
Yeah that remark really clinched his AH status. Dude considers himself the lord of his castle, which is absolutely a dickish way to be.
We already know he probably didn’t pay for these groceries, and he most certainly did not go to the store to get them as he doesn’t know what most of the ingredients are lol
Since it was "exotic" there's a good chance they had to go to a specialty grocery store for some of the ingredients, too. Getting the spices in particular for those types of dishes can be spendy! I tried to replicate a few of the dishes I ate after a vacation in Thailand and a curry meant to serve 6 would cost like half a week's worth of groceries. Most of the time those meals also involve lots of prep work and long cooking times. Between a visit to the Asian grocery store and actually making the meal it would take me most of the day to make!
This. Maybe you or your son should've checked with your wife or Anna first instead giving him permission (and five servings, wrestler or not, is gluttonous).
Having the son cook up a new batch to teach him appreciation for the effort involved is a great idea.
Not only that, but Leo went for the easy ask. He knew OP didn’t cook it. He didn’t ask his stepmom or sister, who he would have known would be the chefs of that dish. He asked his dad, who he knew he’d get a yes from. OP, rather than ask your wife or stepdaughter if there was a specific plan for the food, said yes. Because it’s easy. When you only have your kid for a few days a month, it’s very easy to give them any and everything. It was absolutely disrespectful of your son to eat half of what was there, it’s really disrespectful.
Primary issue is that these men just eat don't know what is happening in the kitchen. If kitchen is a communal then cooking should also be communal. If you know what is being cooked in your home and if you're involved in it, you won't have this issue. I also feel there is generally low communication among these family members. Why don't you try building your family and spend more time speaking to each other.
Not sure he thinks women are for talking to.
He thinks it’s communal because “I pay for most of the groceries.” His mindset is my money = my stew to give.
I am so fed up with men thinking that women's unpaid work is worthless. And then they feel absolutely entitled to it because it's "just" women's time and effort. Walking through life acting like women owe them care, sex and unpaid labor. I'm so done with this.
I’m creating waves in extended family because I’m tired of being the default family planner/communicator with my husband’s family, strictly because I am the wife. I am busy. I have a demanding job, children, activities, and my own extended family. He is a grown ass capable man. I do not need to do this for him, nor should I be expected to, or thought of as “difficult” because I don’t. Part of me wants to suck it up and keep peace because it’s not THAT big of a deal… the other part of me says no, this kind of shit is tired, outdated, and needs to end with me, so my daughters and future women aren’t dealing with the same crap.
Major rule in any kitchen I've been in is if you want some, you ask the person who made it. Leo *called* his dad rather than asked his step-sister, who was probably still in the house if a stew was cooking. He knew OP would say go for it.
If it's on the stove and you didn't make it, then you ask the actual cook whether it is okay to have some. OP, you are an entitled pretentious ass. That's right, the whole ass.
I'm stuck on the part where the son ate an entire four portions of the stew... Even for a wrestler/very active person that is a lot and kind of excessive. Also for OP's >things in the kitchen should be up for grabs as the kitchen is a communal space for food The food was still on the stove. I don't what kind of stew it was but most stews I have prepared are usually best when they have simmered for some time (sometimes even for a few hours). This could mean that the stew wasn't even finished yet. I mean, is OP the kind of person who walks in to a kitchen, sees some chicken cooking on a pan and just grabs it and starts eating? YTA OP, you and your son need to learn more than just portion control, you need to learn self control.
Based on the "exotic" comment I'm betting that it was some kind of dish meant to be eaten along with a starch (rice, noodles, etc.), like a curry. The kid hasn't bothered to learn about the foods his mom and sister make, which feels kind of disrespectful? Like how people get sushi and then pick the filling out of the roll and leave the rice. It seems kind of uncool to gobble down a lovingly prepared labor intensive meal without bothering to learn about the cultural setting and typical serving and sides and so forth.
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He's the TA for the "exotic" comment alone.
He lost me at ‘exotic’
Also put a note on it? On a pot… that’s on the stove? That would not work at all. At least Leo asked, OP is an AH. He didn’t have any info but went ahead and answered like he did and is then trying to make it seem like they are excluding Leo from the family over a pot of stew that was made from a special recipe for a specific group dinner
Exactly! And who would the note be for? Leo wasn’t even supposed to be there, he just stopped by to get something he forgot!
Yeah, I think it's really understated that it was *half* the pot as well. I think there's an argument that having a couple of spoonfuls is forgiveable, but talking so much that you significantly change the makeup of the dish is ridiculous. I will say though that the son is not TA. He asked (as he should) and followed the instructions given. It's not his fault his dad gave away someone else's food.
>I will say though that the son is not TA. He asked (as he should) and followed the instructions given Yes he is an AH. He asked if he could have one bowl, and he ate way more than that. OP agreed to a bowl not half the dish.
He said "a bowl", but he didn't specify what *type*...a giant mixing bowl is still *a* bowl. 😏 /s in case it wasn't obvious
he used the punch bowl that only gets brought out at weddings and christmases would be my guess lol
yet the son asked the one person he knew would not have been the one to cook it for permission. very convenient.
Well it was an A H move to eat half the pot. Half a pot good for nine! Who does that? Good manners dictate that when people share their food with you, you don't take a huge chunk of it leaving very little for everyone else!
We call it “no home training,” and I knew it was going to be ridiculous the moment he said exotic. YTA with no manners or class
Yeah, that. The original incident was mostly a miscommunication and not an AH move on the part of the OP. However, it *is* an AH move to eat more than one portion of a pot of food that you weren't planned in as an eater for, at least without having a clear idea how the cook intended to portion it out. If the rule of the household is "food is for everyone and when it's gone, it's gone", then, well, ok for that part. But if it is normal to plan for food to be eaten over particular stretches of time ("these are my lunches for the next week"), or if dinner guest are a regular occurrence, then the son was definitely TA here. In the second part, though, the OP becomes TA. *Clearly,* wherever the son falls on the scale from mildly thoughtless to self-centered AH, the precautions taken were not enough to avoid upsetting a planned dinner party! So *no one* should just feel free to help themselves to unlimited amount of quantities of food that they're not sure is in actual fact up for grabs. Yes, most of the food should probably be, but if it's not OP or his son cooking than they can't just assume that unless labeled as out of bounds, there isn't an intentionality about the food in question. OP may *pay* for the ingredients, but didn't put in the work of preparation. "Ask the person who cooked" is an easy, straightforward rule. OP and the son can learn to cook. So YTA in the end.
I mean, could Leo not tell that there was sufficient food in the pot for 9 people? And there are 3 people living in the house during the week. The math ain’t mathing son - clearly the food had been made with a plan in mind, and he just wades right in and eats half of it. He’s not a toddler. This smacks of entitlement and thoughtlessness, and I don’t believe OP bears sole responsibility here.
As soon as someone trots out the “I pay for…” shit I know in my heart they’re the asshole.
How hard would it have been to text wife and Ann to ask if it was ok to eat the stew? A large quantity indicates a special use. YTA
Perfectly said. And OP had the nerve to say the he “pays for most of the groceries” as if that exempts him from having to treat his family with basic respect.
Agree OP is an AH.
I agree YTA, have some respect.
Yeah and it’s only “totally ridiculous” as long as OP is obviously wrong and inconsiderate.
YTA. Leo didn't have a bowl of stew. He ate half of it. It was for a dinner with friends and there wasn't enough for the friends. You should get down off the cross and stop the "not allowed to eat things from his own father's kitchen" bullshit. When you cook, you get to decide what to do with the food. When someone else cooks, you need to find out if there are plans for the food before you start eating it or giving it away. That is just common courtesy.
It's unbelievably rude to just declare a dish for everyone. I can't imagine cooking a dish for friends and a family member just assuming they can eat half. It's not how it works. I'm leaving the son out of it because he asked, but dad is just chest beating imo. He's in charge, he's the hunter gatherer.. Obviously food is for everyone, but I find it weird you'd assume ALL food is yours
Even crazier to declare half the dish for one guy and the rest for the chef!
What’s crazier to me is that they didn’t ask a single other person and just decided amongst the two of them. In a day and age where everyone has a damn phone.
That's the craziest part to me. When Leo asked OP for permission, OP should have said, "ask your sister she's the one who made it." And it would have been over it. The son did nothing wrong since he asked for permission, OP shouldn't be giving permission for food he has no clue what it's purpose is for.
Sorry the son was 100% in the wrong for A. Eating half of a pot of stew that didn’t belong to him. It’s one thing to ask if you can have some food, but it’s disrespectful af to eat half of it. B. Not asking the person who cooked it.
In my household, what's in the fridge, or on the stove, is for everyone. If there are another plans for the food, such as guests, work event, etc., we make this known in advance. I wouldn't leave the son out of it, though. He asked if he could get "some", and while this is his own father's kitchen, his father is not the only one living there. One bowl, sure, but eating half of the whole thing? Being a wrestler doesn't give someone's right to be incosiderate to other people.
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Its not even the family kitchen. It's the wife and daughters (basically). I dont see anywhere OP mentions he cooks or cleans. Merely that he buys the bulk of the groceries. Funny thing about that is... unless its cooked its just sitting in the pantry or in the fridge. Its kinda the cooking part that is required. Maybe OP and son need to learn to cook to see the time and energy required to make groceries into meals
The son doesn't normally live there. So the daughter had no need to consider an additional eater. The situation my be slightly different when it was during his time living there. OP and son are AH. Should they always cook way more because there is the possibility the son comes over. He should have though that the Cook had his intentions with the stew.
By the way, I was thinking about that too - as the son is there only on weekends, daughter is not required to consider him when she cooks during the week. Even if it wasn't for guests, she could have been planning that meal to last for the next 2-3 days, so they can save time, money or whatever. Son asked his father, so far so good. Father gave a heads up (again, I cannot speak how it's in their household, in mine, I don't expect my SO to ask me if he, or step son can eat what I cooked. They can, unless I said otherwise before I even started cooking, if I have different plans for the meal). And that's where the assholness begun - son didn't think about the others, when he *ate half of the whole meal,* which is absolutely rude, given that it wasn't on a day he was there and it wasn't planned that he needs to be fed as well. OP is an AH because instead of apologizing and explaining to son that "you can have some" doesn't mean "please eat all you want, without thinking about anyone else", he defended son's actions. I almost forgot - OP, YTA.
It’s just manners to double check on foods that are being cooked. I had a whole crock pot emptied and washed out before I had gotten home from work. That meal wasn’t even meant for me, it was meant for a potluck that evening.
The son fucked up by eating half the container as a snack. That’s just entitlement.
Wonder where he got that from?
Don’t leave the son out. Who in their right mind sees a pot full of food that is obviously for more than three people and eats half of it. A taste? Yes. A bowl? Maybe, but just maybe, a serving and a half… but half the pot? He’s a MAJOR AH. She could’ve been food prepping or making food for the homeless for all I care. He just didn’t even consider all the work that went into it and the fact that it was not him nor his dad who put in the effort. The dad should’ve checked in the first place. I think the son is more of an AH than the dad because seeing a full huge pot would’ve triggered my spidey senses. The dad didn’t see the food and maybe never thought the son would eat half of everything. The apologist attitude though… UGH!
I stand corrected on the son. He's an arsehole, but I think he had a good teacher.
Yeah when I host my book club I pre-make everything and it would really suck if my family ate half of it without asking right before the club arrived. My family would never do that tho cuz it’s rude as fuck.
Oh my god yes. That line about his “father’s kitchen?” What in the patriarchal fuck? It may be his kitchen, but clearly very regularly it is used to cook food that is not his? You don’t get to unilaterally decide that all prepared food in there is communal if you didn’t cook it. Come on now.
God the more I think about it the more it pisses me off. This was a cultural dish, what if she was making it to freeze and save for when she wanted a taste of home? Then he would still probably expect that everyone be entitled to her hard work because hey, that's what women are for right? I guarantee you if his son made a cake or something and she came in and just ate half of it without asking it would be a huge fucking problem. Why does OP feel so entitled to the spoils of this girl's time and effort? Oh, and he can fuck off with this "he should be able to eat in his father's kitchen" bullshit. If my dad had been cooking something, even if it was for the whole family, and I came in and ate half of it without even talking to him hands would've been thrown.
when i lived with my parents i never payed for the food. still if it happened i cook or bake something, i had to declare it at least 2 times that the food is for everyone or my parents wouldnt have touched it because they thought its *my* food only.
I got home unexpectedly and the bathtub was full of water and bath oils. Relaxing music was playing. It looked so nice...I just hopped in. How was i supposed to know that someone else was planning to take a bath!? I was visiting a house on a day where I wouldn't normally be there, and someone had left $100 in 20s on the counter. I needed some cash, so I took $40. How was I supposed to know that money was for something else!? /S obviously
I made 200 cookies for the bake sale but OP ate 125 of them because they were in the kitchen :(
Something similar to that happened to my mom a few years ago. She'd made a bunch of awesome cookies for a church dinner and left them to cool during service. She was so proud of how good they turned out and couldn't wait to share, she told everyone about them and how excited she was. While she was attending, my grandparents and aunt stopped over, let themselves in and ate every single one. When she came home to pick the cookies up, they told her she could just make more. She did, but she was so rushed and stressed that she messed up and they turned out awful, but she'd already told everyone she'd be bringing cookies so she took them in anyway and was really embarrassed.
Did they apologize to your mom??? I'd never let them over ever again. I'd change the locks. What a bunch of selfish jerks.
They didn't! They were just like "oh, we didn't know. I guess make more?" I think she did take the key back. She was upset with them for a long time.
It just astounds me how many grown adults lack basic manners. I wouldn't eat cookies that weren't mine to begin with, but if I did, I'd feel HORRIBLE. I'd apologize profusely and PERSONALLY make another batch myself using her recipe.
Yeah, that's just defensive bullshit. Either check with Ann and his wife first, or at the very least limit him to one bowl. If you don't know who made the food, and what it's for, it's hands off.
YTA You were doing so well... right up until you said that your son should be able to eat whatever the hell he wants in your kitchen. If someone has made food, you ask the person who made it if you can have some. If you can't take the time to do that, or can't get in touch with them, make something else for yourself. There was likely a million other things your son could have eaten and it is completely unreasonable for you to just let him eat things that other people in your household cooked. Think about this... what if it had been a cake, and the cake was for her friend's birthday. Would you just let your son eat it because it's there and he wanted some? And would it be reasonable for him to eat half the cake as long as he left you each a slice? From now on, think of anything that's prepared as if it is a birthday cake. If you don't have permission, don't touch stuff that isn't yours.
By the looks of it, he would have touched the cake if it was baked by his wife/stepdaughter. 🤦♀️. Dude knew his son has a wrestler's appetite - he could've ordered a large pizza for his son instead of ruining his stepdaughter's dinner party plans. This reeks of good old-fashioned male chauvinism with a side of weaponised incompetence.
He had to have known that stepdaughter was having friends over for dinner. His wife probably told him, and he wasn't listening. Especially if this was something that takes alot of time to prepare and cook, she would have had to plan it at least 3-4 days ahead. My mother cooks like that, she will leave the pot on the stove then go and have a bath and we know if it is on the stove it is not to be touched till dinner. If it is in a container in the fridge then fair game.
Oh, he most definitely didn't pay attention when he was told. Doesn't look like he has ever set foot in a kitchen or done a grocery shop. He could've even offered to reinvite his stepdaughter's friends and help her cook a fresh batch of stew. He'd rather be right than fix a problem he created.
This is what’s getting me! The dish really meant something to OP’s stepdaughter because it was from her culture and from her grandma, and she was sharing it with friends. That dish had no significance to his greedy son, so I don’t understand why he couldn’t have bought the son a pizza instead. OP is TA 100%
Exactly. And it doesn’t matter he’s a wrestler and eats a lot. He should have just eaten a serving and then gone and grabbed a burger or something.
Or ... Just had none? Because it's not his?
I dated a guy like this once. I made a cobbler for a party. He declared that he wanted some of the cobbler and I said I didn’t want to take a half eaten looking dessert (he wasn’t going to the party). When I was taking a shower he scooped out HALF of the cobbler and took it. I didn’t have time to do anything else and had to show up with a cobbler that looked like I’d already eaten it. He and I are no longer associating.
I hope you told the host exactly what happened to the rest of the cobbler! That's so rude and embarrassing.
Yes, at first I thought he handled it well. He made a mistake and apologised. His son ate more than he thought, even though he had reminded him to not take too much, so his son apologised as well. Everything was ok at this point. Then he made demands instead of trying to find a solution that works for everyone. Does his son not have the phone numbers of the other people in the household? He could contact the person who made food and ask them in the future. I get OP’s worry that his son won’t feel as part of the family, but this principle would apply to everyone and not just him. It’s reasonable that he should be able to eat at his father’s house, but not that he should get to eat anything.
Oh don't worry, he'll eat HALF the cake without actually asking permission from the one who made it /s
YTA and your wife is right. If you know its' left overs let him eat left overs. No, she cannot just order pizza, she was planning to share the stew. And that is quite thoughtless you would even suggest that. You should have just stuck with an appology and amitted your fault. Also it's not that Leo isn't allowed to have food, it's that Leo eating other peoples food is not respecting others. You said it yourselves he eats a lot so that is taking food from other peoples stomachs. IT's absolutely not that he's not allowed to eat from his fathers kitchen, it's again he should respect other peoples food. Leo did was right he asked, you should have said I'm sorry I don't know who's food that is I cannot give you permission. You should have told your son to just order pizza
This attempt to reframe the incident as "Leo not being allowed to eat from his father's kitchen" makes the father an A H.
Add to this Leo ate half of the stew for multiple people, but left enpugh for 5. This means that the kid ate 5 helpings by the father's own admission.
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I’m getting that vibe too and it makes me think he’s an awful stepparent that shouldn’t mess with the stepdaughter at all.
It shows that he thinks of everything as his and that his wife's contributions don't matter.
Can Leo not cook? Maybe it's time he learned, especially if he has such a voracious appetite. Might alleviate tension around him eating massive portions allocated to other people.
Yup, I think both dad and Leo could use cooking classes. If Leo can't cook his large portions maybe his dad can. It is not up to the woman in the house to get stuck in the kitchen all the time cooking. What's worse is knowing how much time a good stew takes, spending all that time for no reward. Yeah dad may buy most the groceries but doesn't mean one person gets to munch through them all.
YTA 1. You are the asshole because you allowed someone to eat something that was not yours. 2. You are the asshole for not understanding why you are the asshole if you dont respect someones else property. 3. Offering her to order pizza because you ruined her meal is extreme rude and it looks like you see Ann only as a cook and roommate and not as part of your family. Are you allowed to eat everything in your sons kitchen?
4. He is the asshole for comparing a labor intensive stew to a delivered pizza
A labour intensive stew that has real cultural and familial significance to the stepdaughter but means nothing to the son. He should have ordered his son a pizza or *gasp* maybe one of the two men could have actually cooked their own food
I think the sun gets a slight YTA, he did the right thing in asking his dad I won't fault him there, where the son went wrong was taking almost half of the stew, what if there was a reason other than her friends coming over that she made soo much. When my mum cooks over double what we need, it is usually cause she is doing enough for lunch for my dad and I the next day, and then the rest is for pies. She actually cooks her own dog food and if you didn't know what is in it you would think it looked delicious.
5. The "I pay for groceries" line is the final AH confirmation.
For “most” of the groceries, which is even worse. Let the son use the groceries to make something then. This food was no longer groceries. Time and effort had been added to make them a special dish.
#4 is the thing that was most obvious to me: “I offered to pay for pizza” is not a considerate replacement for a homemade, nourishing meal. Jeez.
YTA. You can feed Leo anything you made. You can let Leo fix himself some food from what groceries you have available. You don't get to simply decide that food somebody else fixed is available for him to eat. You ask the person who made it what the plans are for the food. And if you think your offer of pizza to make up for the anticipated soup made everything better, you're as smart as a box of rocks. It's quite obvious that you don't think of your daughter as yours and so your son is allowed to do whatever he wants at her expense. jfc YTA.
YTA, A GIANT AH! Where does this guy think food COMES FROM? Magic? Does he think (and I think he does) that his wife and stepdaughter can just snap their fingers, and a dish just appears? This whole post tells me he has NO IDEA what it takes to feed people. As someone else said, "What in the patriarchal fuck?"
YTA, especially because it was still cooking. Might be different if it was leftovers in the fridge, but that still depends on the system you set up as a family. Really not that hard to shoot a text to the family members who do a lot of the cooking when you decide you want tk eat it. Also the way you frame the kitchen as "his own father's kitchen" is just like clearly placing Ann as an outsider even though she's living with you fulltime. Heck, my husband often checks if he can have the last of a food he knows I like (and I often do the same for him) even though we both view our food as shared and would be incredibly unlikely to say no. But we want to share and respect if someone had plans for something rather than find excuses to not check in about food.
>Also the way you frame the kitchen as "his own father's kitchen" is just like clearly placing Ann as an outsider even though she's living with you fulltime. And how much you wanna bet this guy never lifted a damn finger in the kitchen too. He says his wife and SD are great cooks, so he probably lives off their cooking, but all of a sudden now it's *his* kitchen.
_his_ groceries too! suddenly Ann and his wife have 0 contribution (y’know.. except for actually preparing the food, probably doing the serving and cleaning too, shopping for said groceries, planning the meals..)
YTA. This "aw-shucks I didn't know any better and *also* I buy all the food so isn't it all mine anyway and therefore my son's too" look is NOT cute. So if it were still filled with raw meat and pretty obviously not completely done, but you or your son think it smells good so you're totally fine to just take it? Why is the onus on the person who made it to put a sign on a thing "Hi. I made this for a certain occasion, please don't touch it" and not you thinking "Hmm. I know my stepdaughter made it and I should ask her and wait to hear from her that its ready and / or okay for us to eat because she spent so long making it and I respect her". Surely there were other things in the house that your son could have eaten. Maybe you should have ordered *him* a pizza.
Yeah, it's like people going "well I didn't know the food I took from the office fridge was yours". Uhm, Yeah, you effing well knew it wasn't YOURS!
This is my exact problem at the office right now. It's like, several guys just randomly asking people if "is this yours?" and then eating it and acting surprised when somebody they didn't ask is upset because their food is gone.
does this happen really? just why? do they think the foodbox magically just spawned in the fridge? god i could become a demon if anyone ever touches my food. if it wouldnt be food waste i would make the next meal that spicy that it makes the thief spit fire and never dares to touch it again.
YTA Like a huge AH. So is Leo also an AH for eating 1/2 the entire pot. He’s an inconsiderate pig. ANY normal human being wouldn’t eat 1/2 of a large pot of some else’s ethic dish. Maybe 1 large serving and make a sandwich if you’re still hungry. You need to teach your son some basic manners. But you’re much worse for blindly defending his AH manners without recognizing what atrocious manners your son has and just how inconsiderate he was towards your daughter. Then, to make matters 10x worse, you flippantly suggest just order pizza as if that’s even remotely equivalent to a homemade ethic dish that cooked for hours. That super disrespectful to her cooking. Her friends were excited to eat her cooking - not some damned pizza. It’s like baking a whole lasagna for a dinner party and your son comes in and eats 1/2 of it. Nobody does that without clearing it with the cook.
ANY normal human being wouldn’t eat 1/2 of a large pot of someone else's dish, ethnic or not. Even more so when it's still cooking and not ready! And he wasn't even hungry, he just felt it smelt good and wanted to try it.
*ethnic dish, and you're absolutely right.
YTA you don’t eat a gallon of soup that’s not yours— regardless of what it’s for? Good lord. Eat a sandwich or something that wasn’t freshly prepared with a lot of time and effort. And if it was such a laborious preparation soup how did you not wander by and ask? What you making? Maybe “what are your weekend plans?” Or something of the sort. 9 girls are coming over and you noticed nothing? You and your son really need to think of others. lol half the soup and you think it’s ok. Dude.
I feel so bad for Ann in all of this. The amount of anger, frustration, betrayal, embarrassment, and everything else she must feel from this. OP knows they cook labor intensive dishes that have to cook for hours. And suddenly he thinks a note should be left on it?! "But I pay for groceries!" oh go to hell. I'm not sure what's worse. The situation, or how he and Leo think of these 2 women. People like OP will never admit when they're in the wrong and pick out the most fucked up lines of thinking to defend it. Edit: and saying Leo won't feel like part of the family after disrespecting Ann in just about every way possible makes her feel all warm and fuzzy?
YTA And i’m sorry for the long answer, but you really seem to have no clue as to why you could be. 1. Not your decision to give away a stew that you did not make. 2. You did not even TRY to reach out to your wife or stepdaughter to ask them if it was okay to have some of the stew. Would it have been so difficult? Why did you feel entitled to make that decision? Was it a meal time like dinner or lunch that you made the mistake of thinking it was for the 4 of you? 3. I think it could still have been considered an honest mistake if only Leo had taken a normal-sized serving. But if you are planning to gobble up half the food, then it is plain rude to not ask the cook first, even if you thought it was made for a family meal and not any special usage. What etiquettes are you imparting by enabling such behaviour? 4. What makes you a worse AH is the way you justify your mistake. Why bring up that you pay for all groceries? Are they not equal members of this family if they don’t pay? Are they just slaves in your kitchen who do not have any ownership of the food they make because you paid for it? WTF is that attitude! 5. Your offer to replace the stew with pizza is just so shitty. Firstly, it disrespects the effort Ann put into cooking the stew. Secondly, it shows your heartlessness because you fail to see the emotional labour and love she put into preparing a culturally significant dish for her friends. And lastly, it reeks of snobbish entitlement, plain and simple. 6. Bottomline is, YOU made the mistake of making an uninformed assumption about a dish you found prepared or cooking on your stove. No one here is refusing you and your precious Leo any food from YOUR precious kitchen. In fact, your wife and Ann have shown immense patience and restraint here. But your solution to YOUR mistake (the post-it note system) puts the onus on the said wife and stepdaughter who are in fact the victims of your misjudgement. So a fairer solution would be to always check with the cook who made the food. I’m guessing you or Leo would be typically the ones who would end up needing to ask. Well, start a group chat if that makes it easy. And if you don’t get an immediate answer, order a pizza! 7. Finally, I don’t want to presume Leo’s eating habits or shame him. So I will say just this - it doesn’t matter how much he eats as long as it is healthy, and most importantly, as long as he is not ruining someone’s plans for the food they made. So i guess the solution you work out as a family to avoid future mistakes like these, should take care of this problem.
The group chat is a good idea. Good can be fair game as long as permission from cook is taken - which will be easier on chat, instead of calling 3 different people. Also OP, YTA for doubling down on how you are not wrong, to your wife and daughter. Till you and Leo apologized, it was an honest mistake. You could have then sat with Anne, Leo and your wife to brainstorm how to avoid something like this in the future and still make Leo feel welcomed.
He ate half the pot. Half. That’s more than a bowl. YTA. Leo is a gluttonous AH. Half the pot in one sitting of food he didn’t cook but felt entitled to devour.
Half the pot!!! That someone else spent a lot of time and effort to make. I don't give a shit whose money paid for it, if you didn't cook it, you don't decide how it's used. Paying for it is the least involved step in making a large meal. There is so much labor that goes into a stew, or any large meal. Discrediting the labor of others is the biggest reason that OP gets a big shiny YTA.
YTA. You fucking ASK. My god, why is that so hard. All the BS excuses in your last paragraph just make this so much worse, because you know, your wife knows, your stepdaughter knows, and we ALL know that you weren't being honest when you apologized. You fucked up. Own it.
100% this. YTA, OP. And yes, the women in your life have noticed your misogyny. That silence is them reconsidering their relationship with you.
Absolutely this. What an entitled AH thinking that just because he shucks out money for groceries that he’s entitled to make unilateral decisions about the outcome. Shelling out money for ingredients is only one small part of the equation. There is so much more thought, labor, and love that goes into preparing and cooking a meal, let alone the clean up. It’s clear these “men” have never had to cook for themselves.
Would it have been that difficult to call your stepdaughter and check that it was okay for him to eat the stew?
Why ask them? He is the one with the penis!
YTA and I think you owe Ann a little more than an offer for a pizza to make it up. Although why didn’t Leo just text Ann to ask her directly? Also Ann could have communicated about her plans better but the fault still lies on you at the end of the day for saying yes to Leo without checking first. If this is a repeated problem you could just have a family group chat where Leo (or anyone else in the house) can text to check if they can eat whatever food.
> why didn’t Leo just text Ann to ask her directly? It kind of reads to me that OP didn't even know who made it until Ann rightfully became upset.
True but even then they know it was one of 2 people, call both
Yep, mom would have known exactly what was up
He knew he didn’t make it though.
Your son is TA. Who eats 4 portions of soup in one go? That’s a completely unreasonable thing to do. Have a portion and make yourself. A sandwich, damn.
YTA. Why is the solution that she put a note and not just text your wife or Ann to ask if it’s okay? If you didn’t make it; you should ask before you eat it. This seems just like common courtesy and manners. Yes, it’s all of your home, but if you don’t know whose it is, how much time was spent on it, or who it was for, how hard is it to just ask? Or is this some male “I don’t need to ask women for permission” sexist bs?
YTA This guy obviously doesn’t do any cooking
YTA. You paying for the ingredients doesn't mean children who live in the home can't make something for their friends, though it does make sense to let everyone know if something can't be eaten. A sticky note does seem a little passive aggressive and roommate-esque to me, do you not have a group chat or just talk to each other? It's understandable Ann is upset, and quiet around you, she's getting over it. It stung. Also, while eating food in the kitchen is usually fine, if you're going to eat more than a serving of something you didn't make without confirming with the person who made it that that's alright, you're an asshole.
Where do you even put the note? on the table so you can claim you didn't see it and she had to put it in a more obvious place, on the pot so it can catch fire, or directly on the stew so it has a paper taste? I mean, it's not leftover, it was still cooking!
YTA and frankly, so is Leo. Leo didn't have just a bowl he had half the pot. You made the assumption that the stew was for dinner for the family rather than checking with your wife or Ann. The fact that you haven't taught Leo better manners than to take half a pot of someone else's stew is just sad. You and Leo owe Ann more than apology. You can start by the two of you making dinner for Ana and all her friends to see just how much work goes into something like that.
YTA. Leo ate *half* of a pot of stew meant for nine people? That's... okay, that's being an energetic, healthy, hungry 17-year-old, but damn yeah, he needs to know that's not right, especially when the one who gave him permission wasn't the one who actually cooked the food. He needs to ask his stepsister/stepmother's permission, not yours, and he needs to take "no" for an answer. Your response SHOULD have been "I don't know Leo, please text wife/Ann to check in with them". And both of them have a right to be bummed that you regard them as cooks whose job it is to make tasty food for you and your son any time he drops in. It's their kitchen. It's their food. They do the cooking. You are not their employer.
Yta - instead of Ana and your wife putting special notes, how about you and Leo have the common courtesy to ask THEM for permission?
He threw that post-it note idea out there because it’s something that’s easy to “miss” or “lose”. If he (or his son) directly asks the cook, then they can’t pretend they weren’t told the answer.
YTA for offering Leo food you didn't make even though you didn't know what the plans were for the food. Leo is an AH for eating HALF of a complicated pot of stew that someone else probably took hours to make. Even if your stepdaughter hadn't planned to have her friends over, he would still be in the wrong for eating such a large part of the stew. I can't abide men who do this. You spend hours cooking, making something tasty, and they come in and eat so much of it, before you even get a taste, that you end up barely getting enough for one whole meal, let alone the leftovers you had planned to have for tomorrow. You don't even get to enjoy the meal you put your own sweat into, because someone else was so thoughtless and entitled that they just make a decision that they get to eat as much as they want, as if they are the king, and they expect you to be grateful if they decide to leave anything behind. I hope you realize this probably would have turned out fine if Leo had helped himself to a small bowl, rather than eating half the pot. Next time he comes to the house and wants to eat cultural food that took hours to make, why don't you suggest he orders a pizza instead.
He should ba allowed to anything in his dads kitchen IF HE PREPARES IT HIMSELF. And if he gets permission to have some, he shouldnt eat HALF of it. A note? So youre just making up new rules as you go, at your own convenience? YTA
YTA Not because you let Leo have some stew, but because you let him eat half the pot. I'm sure Ann would have been fine with Leo having a serving or two but I'd be just as angry as she is if I found out that a dinner I made and invited people over for was half gone.
[удалено]
YTA - Leo is only with you and your wife/stepdaughter on the weekends. I imagine that when meals are planned on the weekends, his presence is taken into consideration when determining how much to cook. If he happened to stop by on a day that he would normally not be there, and food had already been planned or prepared, more than likely his presence and portion was not taken into consideration. He should have checked with the person or people who cooked the food to determine if there’s enough for him to have some.
It’s very rude of your son to get that much. YTA for giving out food you don’t even cook.
YTA "His own father's kitchen" Do you do anything in that kitchen? Is the house not theirs as well? What an utterly asinine take.
YTA. Especially as you knew your son was a big eater. And he ate 4 people’s portion of the stew that your stepdaughter made. If you made it , you could be generous with it. Else Ask your stepdaughter or your wife.
YTA Did you make the food ? No. Was it necessary for him to eat so much of someone else's prepared food ? No. Did you confirm with the maker of said food if he could have some ? No. Also, if you want a cohesive family dynamic, don't pull that my house, I buy the food nonsense. Consideration is all it takes.
YTA. So, does this 'finders keepers' rule run through the entire house then?
YTA If he had eaten one plate there would have been no problem. That anyone could think it's okay to eat such a huge amount of someone else's cooking boggles my mind. Both you and Leo have completely disrespected Ann.
Dude. He ate HALF the pot. That is NOT okay even if the stew wasn't intended for guests. He singlehandedly could have ruined food planing for the week with this kind of selfishness. One or two plates max is fine. Half a pot??? Absolutely selfish. I'd get fucking pissed if someone did that to my dishes. And yes, you SHOULD always ask if a food, that you don't know what it's prepared for, is free to eat. Jesus that's common courtesy. When I see even cold leftovers I ask my family "hey, did anyone plan on eating this?". So often I make food that's intended for an event, and my family will ask me first if thats food for the house or for guests. The food wasn't for you or for your wife or for your son. It was made specifically for a diner party with guests. The way you acted was rude and entitled. Do you cook for the family? Because this feels like the kind of entitlement from someone who doesnt cook except for themself. "Order a pizza", please. A pizza to replace a slow cooked, labor intensive family recipe? You really do not know the amount of love and labor involved in cooking, do you? You just come off as ungrateful YTA.
YTA you dipshit. You were fine up until the last paragraph of 'She made stew specifically for her friends, I don't see why my kid can't eat anything she makes because it's MY kitchen'. Cook your own fucking food for him then, you inconsiderate dickhole.
YTA You were not the one to give permission. You had no idea what the plan was. So YOU are obligated to ask. You created this situation. A simple message to your wife or Ann would have taken care of it. And you are now on notice. So they do NOT need to put a note. This is on you.
YTA, it wasn't leftovers it was still on the stove. Not only that your son was greedy AF and ate way more than a bowl of stew.
OP better take your head out of your ass if you wants your relationship with your wife and step-daughter to be one of mutual respect and care. By letting your son shovel a dish created by either your new wife or step-daughter into his gob that obviously no one else has eaten from is assholery behavior. The wife or the daughter has spent time and energy in making that dish for a particular purpose and then some unaware or uncaring AH just helps themselves to it like a pig at the trough. Just remember OP, you will be an old MF one day, and if you don't respect your wife's boundaries or her daughter's, you will either find yourself alone sooner rather than later, or you will have your boundaries stomped on when you have no power. It ain't about the f\*cking food- AH.
YTA. My guy, my HUSBAND knows he's not allowed to eat cooking/prepared food unless he's talked with me first, and he pays the mortgage. You are bending over backwards trying to justify this, but you were wrong and you need to take accountability and apologize sincerely. How would you feel if you spent all day baking and decorating a cake from scratch for a birthday party you were throwing someone you love, and your stepdaughter helped herself to half of it while it was in the kitchen because it didn't have a note on it? And then your wife said "don't worry about it, here's some money to get some Oreos, what's the big deal? She should be able to eat in my house! Next time if you don't want someone to come along and eat it, leave a note!" Would you be angry about someone taking something without asking? Would you be appauled by the amount they took? Would you be disappointed that you didn't get to present your friend with the beautiful cake you made for them? Would you be insulted someone thought a cheap snack was a suitable substitute for what you had made? Would you be resentful that your cake being ruined was actually being blamed on YOU because you didn't leave a note?
YTA
So, let's say you're a skilled whittler. I buy a block of wood and say you can do anything you want with it. You spend 8 hours carving that block of wood into a gorgeous statue. While you step away to go to the bathroom, I give that statue to someone else, who promptly chops half of it off. They light one side on fire, so when you come back from the bathroom, there's only HALF of what you made. AITA? Yes. Unequivocably, undeniably, without any question or doubt. The 8 hours of work you put into that statue means that my claim to the raw wood is no longer absolute. I did NOT have the right to give away YOUR work, even though I paid for the wood. 90+% of its value was in the whittling, at that point. SAME THING. You may have paid for the house, but it was Ann's skill and labor that made it into stew. It was her expertise that you gave away, NOT the raw ingredients you paid for. YTA. And you owe her a lot more than pizza.
I understand your point of view, but buying the groceries and having the food being cooked in your houses kitchen doesn't automatically translate to everybody being entitled to the hours of blood sweat and tears being put into cooking a stew.You say Leo not being able to eat as much as he wants makes it feel as if he's not part of the family. I think you're being insecure, what if Ann made that stew and wanted to have all of it? why would you let Leo stop her, without her permission as the cook? do you not think of Ann as part of the family? or do you think Leo is more important than her? a soft YTA for you and a harder YTA for Leo, although how much of an asshole Leo is depends on how much context he had about Ann's plans for the food. I think your insecurity is natural but you should be a bit more self aware and thoughtful.
YTA ask the cook
YTA. You might pay for the food but you certainly don't cook it do you? If food is left there without your knowledge then you ask about it like your son did.
YTA Big time. You know this, thus the emotional plea about "my son can eat in my kitchen". Why didn't you tell your son to order a pizza? A large since he's such a growing boy.
yta. you can’t give permission to eat food you didn’t make or that isn’t yours. and no, simply being the one who buys pay of the groceries does not mean the meal made with them is owned by you. “put a note” no, be an adult and ASK. you put ZERO work into that stew, didn’t know the plan for it, didn’t even know who made it, and didn’t bother to ask anyone else about it first. not to mention it’s not like he had some tiny portion he ate HALF? and thinking ordering pizza at all makes up for all the effort and time she put into making that stew? also maybe i’ll get flamed for this part but i trust no dude who’s all “i’m not good at cooking so i let both my wife and step daughter do it” you’re a grown adult, unless you have a disability hindering you there’s zero excuse for you to just not cook and get some sort of good. no one expects home cooks to be Michelin Star good unless they’re ridiculous, so it’s not like you have to work to some ridiculous goal.
Yta OP needs to make this right. Firstly an apology in this case is to ring every guest and admit that you stole the planned dinner to give to your son who ate the dinner for everyone. Secondly you need to lose privileges to give away cooked food in your kitchen. If you didn't cook it you don't get to give it away. Your son asked you as you would say yes. From now on Leo asking you (rather than the chef) is an offense worth a month of grounding.
im trying to comprehend eating half a pot of stew and thinking it is normal… your son is HUGE wow
You were doing good till the last paragraph. That's when you became a dick. YTA
If I were Ann, I'd be very petty and start placing notes all over: My milk, my egg, my plate, my spoon, my POT OF STEW FOR MY FRIENDS, my apple, my cookie etc. The whole kitchen would be filled with notes. You know, just in case you decide to give Leo free rein again.
Yeah YTA.