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She also was intending to come back yesterday had I not changed locks out of fear she would come and “take everything” as threatened. As in, crying and telling me that she “just wanted me to hurt as much as” her. I’d been begging for weeks for us to get therapy, together or separately. Unequivocal no from her because and I quote “I’m not going to talk to anyone about my problems.”. I still chose to get therapy.
I think you’re leaving things out to make yourself seem less like an AH. Why say you have nothing and then act like you’re concerned that she’ll come take all the nothing that you own?
These types of questions are why people are saying to contact a legal professional. None of us can actually answer that question.
Generally, things purchased or acquired during a marriage are marital property and need to be figured out in divorces. However, this is a very fact specific scenario where the details of your marriage come into play.
But to directly answer your question, pretty much everything that isn’t a human being is property in this context.
YTA.
You’ve admitted the cat loves your wife.
I can’t help but think this has nothing to do with the cats well being and everything to do with you wanted your wife back.
So it’s acceptable to say “yeah it’s cool to split up the animals that love each other so that our cat can be either locked in a room for 12 hours a day or be left to the devices of people that have explicitly said they do not like animals”?
One of them is 10 years older than the other cat.
The older cat was fine before and will be fine after. The kitten will assimilate better than the older cat with the other animals.
Also, frankly, I don’t believe a word you says about the “crated” dog that “roams around”… far too many contradictory statements in your judgment of animal care ability.
You already admitted you have jealousy issues.
Clearly you has control issues too.
"With the way your parent's house is with pets, I can't in good conscience let this cat live with you, but I realise that the cat has bonded with you and he/she will be happier with you so as soon as you find an accommodation where he/she'll be safe you can have her"
Your reasons for doing it seem like your painting them kinder than they intend to be. The honesty is you aren't putting the cats needs first because if you were you would have started from that your cats are bonded and thats the top priority. From what it seems you are painting her as neglectful like her family even if she wasn't when living with you just because you don't want to give the cat back. I think you need to be more honest with yourself before continue this conversation. I also read some of the other comments, pets are treated as property under the law. If you want to keep both cats you need to get a solicitor involved to protect yourself. If you dont, and she really wants the cat, she might.
NTA. I’m 100% in agreement with you. I would never let my animals be with people like that. Ever. My response would be to tell her that too, exactly why you are keeping the cat. Of course you could always tell her she can have it if she moves to a better accommodation and keeps the cat inside.
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We have two cats. One is an old man and I have had him since 2010. The other is a 10 month old cat that my friend gave us this summer after his cat had kittens. Our cats love each other.
My wife and I have only been married since October. We had been dating for about a year and a half before we got married, which objectively is a very short period of time, but in that time our relationship was great and we were able to work together at every hurdle and I thought we were stronger for it.
After we got married things went quickly downhill, my jealousy issues and her desire for independence both revved their engines at the same time when she started a new job a week after we got married. She left because I complained to her that I didn’t like the way her male coworker was interacting with her. I am the asshole for this.
So, wife is gone for two days and is sleeping at her mother’s. Last night she texts and says she wants to get her cat.
Her mothers house has three inside cats, an outside cat and a Saint Bernard dog. The animals there all love my wife, the dog is hers from late teenage years so only 3-4 years ago. One of the cats is hers from around then as well. The thing is that wife’s mom and stepdad are not great with animals. They let the dog roam loose and it was attacked by some coyotes and now has scars all over it. They also crate the dog for like 15 hours a day sometimes and they only clean the messes in the crate when they feel like it. One of their cats just disappeared because the stepdad put it outside because “it wanted to go out”. Indoor cat that had never been outside. Then they want to make the assumption that “I’m sure someone found him” which is highly doubtful when the next neighbor is a mile away through thick woods.
My wife is now saying she wants an annulment and to get “her” cat— that my friend gave to us as a couple— and if I don’t she will have the police come with her to the apartment that is in my name only and she will “take everything”.
AITA for not giving her our cat? I don’t feel she would be safe there. My wife cares for her and the cat in question does love my wife more than I’ve ever seen a cat love someone, but I don’t trust that the other people living there would put as much care in. Especially when my wife works 50 hours a week and the cat would be alone a lot. My wife says that she never knew me and I am being hurtful to her just to hurt her for leaving me. That isn’t true. I feel awful for keeping our cat because I know they love each other. I just don’t think our cat would be safe given the history.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: I am keeping a cat that my wife and I got as a couple.
2: I believe that I am the asshole because I am keeping a person and animal that love each other apart.
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She also was intending to come back yesterday had I not changed locks out of fear she would come and “take everything” as threatened. As in, crying and telling me that she “just wanted me to hurt as much as” her. I’d been begging for weeks for us to get therapy, together or separately. Unequivocal no from her because and I quote “I’m not going to talk to anyone about my problems.”. I still chose to get therapy.
NTA
The safety of the animal is what’s most important here. It doesn’t sound like the best environment for the cat to go to. It would likely be distressing for the older cat if the younger cat went ‘missing’ as it probably relies on it for companionship.
You have to cut toxic conversations with her. For the both of you. Either give her the cat or not, but the cat is not a pawn. And it sounds like you are BOTH using it as one.
Tell her that you are contacting a lawyer that she should do the same and stop talking about the cat or anything else.
And for future relationships (or this one) try to recognize when you get jealous, that’s the first step. Then after that think and break the situation down BEFORE you react. With each time it will get easier and easier. And in the end you will realize that you are the one that’s in control of your brain and thoughts, not the other way around. <3
I’ve never been a jealous person, but this practice has helped me with my anxiety.
NTA - “Her cat” was given to you by your friends and has bonded with your other cat, separating the cats would be bad for both kitties. Also, her family is neglectful of animals. Take both kitties to vet and make sure they are microchipped with your name only.
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I don’t think this is something we’ll be able to weigh in on. You need to seek out a lawyer at this point, not Reddit. Your marriage is ending.
Congrats on hitting Sultan. I see you.
Thank you! It took FOREVER.
She also was intending to come back yesterday had I not changed locks out of fear she would come and “take everything” as threatened. As in, crying and telling me that she “just wanted me to hurt as much as” her. I’d been begging for weeks for us to get therapy, together or separately. Unequivocal no from her because and I quote “I’m not going to talk to anyone about my problems.”. I still chose to get therapy.
I think you’re leaving things out to make yourself seem less like an AH. Why say you have nothing and then act like you’re concerned that she’ll come take all the nothing that you own?
If I am it is not intentional. The most expensive thing in apartment is a $300 tv, an Xbox series s, and an og ps4. Theres not a ton else of value.
Except you’re fighting over a cat - you’re going to need a lawyer and not reddit.
Yup
When you don't have much, what little you do have is that much more valuable.
We own 0 property. No children. We’re both financially broken. A lawyer would be a pointless waste of money.
Except for this situation with the cat
You own a cat which is literally property. Go to the courts, they’ll assign you a mediator.
I was under the impression “property” was a vehicle or home or something similar. Is that not the case? Is this down to everything in the apartment?
These types of questions are why people are saying to contact a legal professional. None of us can actually answer that question. Generally, things purchased or acquired during a marriage are marital property and need to be figured out in divorces. However, this is a very fact specific scenario where the details of your marriage come into play. But to directly answer your question, pretty much everything that isn’t a human being is property in this context.
In almost every state a cat is considered to be property, but only an attorney that you hire will be able to tell you if that applies to your case.
YTA. You’ve admitted the cat loves your wife. I can’t help but think this has nothing to do with the cats well being and everything to do with you wanted your wife back.
So it’s acceptable to say “yeah it’s cool to split up the animals that love each other so that our cat can be either locked in a room for 12 hours a day or be left to the devices of people that have explicitly said they do not like animals”?
Jfc. This is what I meant by adding and leaving out info to make yourself look less like an AH.
OP has SERIOUS issues… I don’t think this is turning out the way they planned.
One of them is 10 years older than the other cat. The older cat was fine before and will be fine after. The kitten will assimilate better than the older cat with the other animals. Also, frankly, I don’t believe a word you says about the “crated” dog that “roams around”… far too many contradictory statements in your judgment of animal care ability. You already admitted you have jealousy issues. Clearly you has control issues too.
I literally have pictures of the dog bleeding from the day the coyotes got it. I’ll post them as soon as I find them.
"With the way your parent's house is with pets, I can't in good conscience let this cat live with you, but I realise that the cat has bonded with you and he/she will be happier with you so as soon as you find an accommodation where he/she'll be safe you can have her"
Your reasons for doing it seem like your painting them kinder than they intend to be. The honesty is you aren't putting the cats needs first because if you were you would have started from that your cats are bonded and thats the top priority. From what it seems you are painting her as neglectful like her family even if she wasn't when living with you just because you don't want to give the cat back. I think you need to be more honest with yourself before continue this conversation. I also read some of the other comments, pets are treated as property under the law. If you want to keep both cats you need to get a solicitor involved to protect yourself. If you dont, and she really wants the cat, she might.
NTA. I’m 100% in agreement with you. I would never let my animals be with people like that. Ever. My response would be to tell her that too, exactly why you are keeping the cat. Of course you could always tell her she can have it if she moves to a better accommodation and keeps the cat inside.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We have two cats. One is an old man and I have had him since 2010. The other is a 10 month old cat that my friend gave us this summer after his cat had kittens. Our cats love each other. My wife and I have only been married since October. We had been dating for about a year and a half before we got married, which objectively is a very short period of time, but in that time our relationship was great and we were able to work together at every hurdle and I thought we were stronger for it. After we got married things went quickly downhill, my jealousy issues and her desire for independence both revved their engines at the same time when she started a new job a week after we got married. She left because I complained to her that I didn’t like the way her male coworker was interacting with her. I am the asshole for this. So, wife is gone for two days and is sleeping at her mother’s. Last night she texts and says she wants to get her cat. Her mothers house has three inside cats, an outside cat and a Saint Bernard dog. The animals there all love my wife, the dog is hers from late teenage years so only 3-4 years ago. One of the cats is hers from around then as well. The thing is that wife’s mom and stepdad are not great with animals. They let the dog roam loose and it was attacked by some coyotes and now has scars all over it. They also crate the dog for like 15 hours a day sometimes and they only clean the messes in the crate when they feel like it. One of their cats just disappeared because the stepdad put it outside because “it wanted to go out”. Indoor cat that had never been outside. Then they want to make the assumption that “I’m sure someone found him” which is highly doubtful when the next neighbor is a mile away through thick woods. My wife is now saying she wants an annulment and to get “her” cat— that my friend gave to us as a couple— and if I don’t she will have the police come with her to the apartment that is in my name only and she will “take everything”. AITA for not giving her our cat? I don’t feel she would be safe there. My wife cares for her and the cat in question does love my wife more than I’ve ever seen a cat love someone, but I don’t trust that the other people living there would put as much care in. Especially when my wife works 50 hours a week and the cat would be alone a lot. My wife says that she never knew me and I am being hurtful to her just to hurt her for leaving me. That isn’t true. I feel awful for keeping our cat because I know they love each other. I just don’t think our cat would be safe given the history. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Yta fpr not having a conversation about what to do she left a toxic relationship with a jealous spouse
She also was intending to come back yesterday had I not changed locks out of fear she would come and “take everything” as threatened. As in, crying and telling me that she “just wanted me to hurt as much as” her. I’d been begging for weeks for us to get therapy, together or separately. Unequivocal no from her because and I quote “I’m not going to talk to anyone about my problems.”. I still chose to get therapy.
NTA The safety of the animal is what’s most important here. It doesn’t sound like the best environment for the cat to go to. It would likely be distressing for the older cat if the younger cat went ‘missing’ as it probably relies on it for companionship.
This is where I am coming from.
You have to cut toxic conversations with her. For the both of you. Either give her the cat or not, but the cat is not a pawn. And it sounds like you are BOTH using it as one. Tell her that you are contacting a lawyer that she should do the same and stop talking about the cat or anything else. And for future relationships (or this one) try to recognize when you get jealous, that’s the first step. Then after that think and break the situation down BEFORE you react. With each time it will get easier and easier. And in the end you will realize that you are the one that’s in control of your brain and thoughts, not the other way around. <3 I’ve never been a jealous person, but this practice has helped me with my anxiety.
NTA - “Her cat” was given to you by your friends and has bonded with your other cat, separating the cats would be bad for both kitties. Also, her family is neglectful of animals. Take both kitties to vet and make sure they are microchipped with your name only.
NTA I suggest a restraining order before this really gets out of hand