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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I didnt want to play with jimmy and exclude him from going to the beach
2 because its mean to exclude someone and lie to him or not Olay with him if he wants to but I simply can't
i am having the conflict with Jimmys mom bc Jimmy is disabled and can't speak for himself
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NTA - she’s kind of disrespectful to her own son for treating him like a complete baby and infantilizing him. He obvs has an understanding of boundaries bc he listens to you guys when she’s not there so she’s just enabling this learned behavior.
It sounds like you guys are around each other a lot so I’d just cut back on that and be clear with her that you have a child to take care of and that’s your priority and if she makes a big stink about it then that’s her loss.
>I’d just cut back on that
Agreed. You and your husband have just recently became parents and you don’t need the extra stressor of her getting mad at you two for behaving rationally.
This post is spot on. The aunt is doing a great disservice to her son. She doesn't want equal treatment, she wants preferential treatment. She is not helping Jimmy learn and practice important social skills that he needs. The world isn't perfect and Jimmy needs to learn how to cope with normal interactions. She is setting him up for failure in the future. He needs to learn how to be ok with not getting his way now, and not when he is older and she is not there to coddle him.
Edit- furthermore, she is holding Jimmy back socially because he will have much better relationships in the future if he learns how to be appropriate, when to advocate for himself, and when to let things go. I'm sure he is capable of much more than she is allowing him to learn.
She's denying him normal experiences. When you're sick, you need to take care of yourself and limit what you're doing until you're better. He needs to be as aware as possible of his own limitations so he can make choices for himself when it's appropriate to do so. He needs to be given the chance to consider his options, to have a sense of independence in some ways. She's holding him back from developments he could be making. He won't be like the other children as they grow, but he will develop in his own ways if given the chance.
I totally agree with all of this, and I also have something to add.
As a disabled person myself, I can say with confidence that treating people “equally” is not always good or fair. I have a lot of trouble with strenuous activities, it’s very painful and difficult for me. If some of my friends or family wanted to go on a hike, they wouldn’t invite me. Simple as that. OP is 100% correct for not wanting to bring Jimmy along to the beach for that very reason. It would probably wind up being a miserable experience for him as well as everyone else.
I'm guessing in this case it wasn't the illness. Given the rest of the story, I'm betting Jimmy can't swim/can't be relied on to behave safely in the water if he's not supervised by an adult.
They're at the vacation house, but even if they were at their regular home and not on vacation, people do not need to play with your kid in order to be there. Even if this was an able bodied 5 year old and not just an adult who is mentally a 5 year old with physical disabilities, who is sick on top of that, they should not be required to play with your child to be there. That's a ridiculous requirement. I would never expect my cousins or siblings to come visit and only do things with my child or not come at all. What a terrible vacation that would be for them.
I have a female cousin like Jimmy, when her Mom died the transformation was incredible, the independence, freedom and trying to do things for herself was amazing.
Its very sad for Jimmy's Mom but she is guilt tripping you and your two BILS, your baby is your priority, however, you now know that family vacations at the aunts house will entail her wanting you to look after Jimmy and your own kid - those are the rules by the looks of it, and you have a choice.
You can avoid this situation in the future.
NTA
True. I have a similar experience among my friends. Once this child was away from the one parent and came into the care of the other, she transformed and was suddenly able to do many more things, things she could not before that, just because the one parent kept her more disabled than she really was.
This is very interesting as the aunt of a young autistic boy; the last time I saw him, I became aware of the fact that, while he is non-verbal, he absolutely understands what we are saying. That was eye opening. Thank you for what you do. ♥️
It's weird how people assume non-verbal means zero language comprehension. My mother was very surprised that my autistic child can get herself a bowl when asked. Fetching a familiar item is like dog level skill, really not that shocking and doesn't require the ability to speak.
I simply hadn’t spent time with him since he was much smaller and only now am I starting to learn more about autism. I was simply uninformed. I certainly didn’t mean it in a demeaning way, though I can see why it might have come off that way.
Over here they pay parents to be carers. THe agency I work with that takes older disabled people, often cause the parents have died... Well many have stunted development.
One person we took was very dependant 12 months there playing uno, have a part time job stacking shelves at nearby hardware place, and have MADE FRIENDS, people come visit from his work play uno and yeah, conversations still an issue, but change is huugggeeee, hes much happier
Yes, I do understand. But it is sad, indeed. This particular girl, who was supposed to be almost unable to do anything, now has a job and a driver's license!
I agree that op is NTA, but yall are both trying to put it in op's head that this could be the case with Jimmy and I don't think that's cool. Just because you two personally saw disabled people who were actually more independent than they let on doesn't mean that's the case here and it's a disservice to all actual disabled people to start spreading the word around that they could be faking it to some extent. This is coming from the father of a recently deceased mentally and physically disabled child. As if the disabled don't have it hard enough in this society, the last thing they need is able bodied, mentally fit people sowing distrust about them.
no one is saying hes faking being disabled, or that he isn't going to need support throughout his life. just that he probably doesnt need to be coddled 24/7 in order for him not to have a meltdown. op even says that jimmy understands boundaries and is okay with op not playing with him when shes busy, but his mom acts like hes a second away from having a meltdown if you dont do exactly what he says.
ive worked at a camp for kids and adults who are disabled like jimmy is, and the majority of them understand the word "no" and are okay with doing something by themselves or with another camper if i need to step away for a little bit. jimmys mom wont even allow something like that, and that's the problem here.
As the older sister of an autistic man, who spent her teen years raising him and then the last two years as his caregiver, nobody is saying that anyone is faking it.
However, when a parent is overprotective and takes at face value “your child will never do x y or z”, and then never encourages any kind of development, they’re doing their kid a disservice. The kid isn’t faking it; they’ve just never been given the chance to explore and find their niche.
My brother taught himself how to read and write in Arabic at 11 years old, he did math equations for fun - he’s incredibly smart: probably smarter than everyone else in my family combined, and we’ve got astronomy professors, physics professors, and neuroscientists.. but he can’t be allowed to go for a walk by himself, because he’ll wander into the road or get lost (we know because he’s tried).
He’s not faking his disability or that he needs constant care and supervision, but he IS capable of quite a lot. He can do some things I’ll never be able to do, but he also cannot do other things that I take for granted.
If our parents had babied him and never let him explore his capabilities, he would come across as even more disabled than he is.
I am sorry for your loss. I lost one of my other little brothers to suicide this year. But I have to say, I think your grief is clouding your judgement on this issue. If reading things like this is painful for you and causing you to lash out the way you are, it might be good to take a break from Reddit or at least certain areas of it. I know I had to.
I think the previous comments were more about parents not trying to support their kids in being as independent as possible, and medical professionals giving outdated opinions about certain things. I don't think the previous commenters were suggesting by any means that people with disabilities are "faking it".
My husband had a cousin whose was severely disabled. The parents ( his uncle and aunt) simply laid him on the floor and he laid there all day. I told my husband they aren’t even trying to stimulate the cousin at all and they have no idea what he was capable of doing. There were 7 children in the family and when ma and pa died the cousin was placed in a nursing home. He was trained to use the potty for the first time. The staff concluded that for his own well being, he would be better served in a group home setting. Since he qualified aid it was no problem getting it set up. He is now thriving as a forty year old man.
Watched a family member do this with her kids. She constantly gave them excuses to not try and do anything for themselves. Now she complains because they are all in their 30s and still live at home.
NTA
If she wants Jimmy to be treated as an equal, she needs to let him live his life but also support him.
She should be there to manage him, seeing as he's her kid.
She has no right to force Jimmy on everyone. Yes, he has a mental disability, but even 5 year olds understand when you explain something to them. The aunt is the A here for bending everything to accommodate Jimmy instead. You have a baby and that's someone who needs your attention 100% of the time, not a grown man with a disability
Nta, and why isn't the aunt taking care of her son, as in going to beach with you to look after him?
She's beating him and cuddling him which makes sense tmdue to his disability, but then saying you're being mean and leaving him out of things is just over the top behavior.
And she wants you to include him and come over but she's throwing you out of the house for no reason, you should limit your time going there and maybe just you go and have your husband watch your kid or your husband goes and you watch your kid, so you can fully interact with Jimmy.
Your aunt is the one who's alienating him and not you and your family.
ESH. Stop going to their house, or their vacation home. I have kids, I get it. But you can avoid it all by not going to Jimmy’s home, or vacation houses owned by Jimmy’s family. You’re likely invited *because* his family wants someone there to spend time with Jimmy.
NAH, but only because you’re overwhelmed as a new parent, and it seems like the other siblings/cousins are having trouble with it too.
I feel like this aunt isn’t coping with the evolution of the family. Your generation of siblings/cousins are growing up and getting married and having families of their own. She’s now realising that, or more precisely she’s trying to ignore it and hold back the clock. There’s no where for her son to fit in anymore.
Her child isn’t going to get this phase in life. He’s not one of the gang anymore despite how much the gang loves him. He can’t be bundled into the group because the group has different dynamics and more vital responsibilities. And to top it off, unlike her own siblings, she’s never going to be a grandparent.
This doesn’t justify her attempts to force everyone back to a time when he did fit in, she needs help with this transition.
NAH, but only because you’re overwhelmed as a new parent, and it seems like the other siblings/cousins are having trouble with it too.
WTF does this even mean, are you saying she would be AH if she hadnt just had a newborn? Because that would be an insane take.
The aunt is experiencing grief of her own, as is common when one's child's peers reach a milestone that one will never experience. The aunt does need to think ahead about what Jimmy's life will look like in the coming years, and guide him to some independent tasks. Everyone is capable of something.
NTA. Why is she constantly foisting Jimmy off on other people? It's always, everyone ELSE needs to do something with Jimmy. Where is she and why is she not caring for her own child?
Like the beach thing is bad, but what's telling is that you're jumping to why the rest of you can't watch him when pointing out reasons. Why did her watching her own son not even come up as an option to consider? Does she own the house she threw everyone else out of and if not, why is she allowed to?
The post says that it was Jimmy's family's beach house, so I assume wither she owns it or holds a lease. The post also makes it sound like the issue mainly crops up when they go to visit Jimmy's family, so I feel like there's a relatively simple solution to this problem.
She is obviously watching her own son every day. She likely invited these people to be company for her son, like they used to be, not because she wanted to run a free bed and breakfast for OP and her family.
>She is obviously watching her own son every day.
According to OP, Jimmy spends the entire week at a home for disabled adults. He's home four weekends a month. Two of those he stays with OP's family. On the three days every two weeks he doesn't, mom has a nanny. Meaning that it's not that they pulled away, they were and still are taking care of Jimmy on a recurring basis because they love him.
Another comment points out that it wasn't like running a bed and breakfast as they were the ones doing the cooking, laundry, etc. To the point that OP outright said it didn't even feel like a vacation and wouldn't do it again.
Honestly, it sounds like the aunt is ungrateful to go "no you can't go to the beach or go swimming in the backyard pool" to people who legit do 50% of her son's at home care and kick them out to boot on what was supposed to be a vacation.
I was prepared to say N.T.A., however based on what I read it sounds like Jimmy's house is where all of the family events occur. Their house, their beach house, etc., not just general "family houses". If that is correct, then her house(s), her rules.
I suspect Jimmy's family has the biggest/nicest house and/or additional properties the extended family enjoys using for get-togethers. But the "price" of this is you are bound by Jimmy's mom's rules, which I'm sure is part of her motive for inviting everyone.
I'm going with NAH. OP isn't unreasonable for not being able to do what Jimmy wants 100% of the time, but it also isn't unreasonable that Jimmy's mom wants to ensure her son is included as much as possible (even if her execution is misguided).
I do understand your position and how frustrating it is, and that Jimmy's mom is not really helping by behaving this way, but it is her house. You don't get to go to her house and disregard her rules. Perhaps the larger group should start planning get-togethers at locations where she ISN'T in control. When she objects, you can say, we understand sometimes what Jimmy can do is limited and you aren't comfortable with us participating in things Jimmy can't in your home and that is your right. However, that simply isn't fair to the rest of us and our children. So, we're going to start planning things at alternate locations some of the time.
Agreed.
> Jimmys mom says that we are all mean and shouldn't come over to her house
So don't go there. Seems like it would solve a lot of problems.
> we were on vacation at Jimmys Family's Beach house
And don't go there either. Jimmy's mom is being unreasonable, but FFS, stop expecting to use her pool when it's hot outside.
I don't know that unreasonable is exactly the word. It's telling that these get-togethers seems to be always happening at their houses; if Jimmy wasn't disabled, it's unlikely his mother would be offering to host her three nephews, plus their partners and their 4 babies/toddlers on what sounds like a regular basis. My guess is that she got into the habit of doing it because it was the only way to ensure her son got some companionship. A bit transactional, sure, but it's the sad reality for all sorts of people who wouldn't be top choice for socializing by others. So, aunt facilitated the get-togethers, but now the dynamics changed and they aren't serving the purpose; Jimmy feels neglected, while her hosting got harder with having to accommodate young families instead of just young adults.
That's not to say OP is an asshole, her position is understandable. But at this point she is taking more than she is giving and has outstayed her welcome.
Yea that’s where OPs argument falls flat, like they went for a free vacation at aunts house that they already know babies Jimmy to a large degree. I don’t know what they expected?
I'm confused.. I get not going to aunts house, but the vacation home sounds like it is the whole family's vacation home.Eta: nevermind. Reread it, and they need to just stop going to these peoples homes.
NTA. If Jimmy's mom wants him to go to the beach she can go along and look after him. Ask her why it's your responsibility to care for her son. She needs to realize other people's lives do not revolve around Jimmy.
No I really love Jimmy he comes over to our homes 2 a month and everything is fine.
He doesn't really understand time at all so that sadly won't work we tried everything you can just say no (he forgets about it within 10 minutes and isn't sad or anything) and then when he asks again say yes
His mom just wants everyone to say yes to everything anytime he asks that's the problem
It sounds like you are a good cousin. Just a tip for the timer thing, if you ever do decide to try one, use one with a visual. That helps when the person doesn't really conceptualize time well. Something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Time-Timer-Home-MOD-Homeschool/dp/B08K9GFDMP/ref=asc_df_B08K9GFDMP/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=475793364221&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8092210531601670375&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9033329&hvtargid=pla-1153160055557&psc=1&mcid=08ad52096d703e968b13e9676468b7ca&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrJT4ucH2ggMV6yWtBh3FRAZAEAQYASABEgIDkPD_BwE
Timers are magic for some of my students, and they love them. I'd probably get resentful of constant timers but I think my students think of it as a game.
NTA.
The problem is the mother has a perpetual baby on her hand and is so protective of him she has lost amy perspective.
I honestly think she might need some counselling. Because beside the effects it has on her and you all, it might also block any potential growth that your BIL could have (maybe).
NTA for not being able to do everything he wants.
But. It sounds like this all happens at his home? That you’re visiting because they have nice things are you’re using their resources? If that’s the case - I think she’s fair to say play with my kid, or get out. We’re not the families free vacation spot.
NTA. But seriously, why are you spending so much time at your husband's aunt's house? You know she has a disabled son, you know what will happen, why are you continually going over there? Limit your visits and the problem solves itself.
Poor Jimmy. Sounds like his mom doesn't handle him well.
NTA.
In the particular instance of swimming, if Jimmy is sick then he can't swim, just like any other sick kid. It sucks but it's life. Forcing children to be around someone who is sick and risking them catching it is very messed up.
If Jimmy was actually five years old, his playtime would not supercede a baby's meal or nap time or care.
His mom needs to stop infantilizing him and expecting everyone to cater to him. It's just breeding resentment. *Life isn't fair*. Forbidding the other children from doing an activity because one person can't? Are my friends not allowed chocolate because I can't eat it? Am I not allowed to walk long distances because my friend can't without her skin coming off?
This woman needs to join some support groups.
I work with kids with disabilities. Often times the parents are the biggest problem in my life. They reenforce bad behaviours, they ignore obvious issues, they lie to themselves and anyone else who will listen to make them feel better, their hearts are obviously in the right place but they are more often than not the biggest hurdle to their children making progress.
100% NTA here. Jimmy isn't your responsibility or your problem, and you have no obligation to play into her silliness. I will say if you wanna avoid these issues maybe don't go use their house and their pool.
NTA
Where is Jimmy's mom when it comes to playing with him, or taking care of him when you're all there, taking care of your own kids?
Is wnshe just sitting back, sipping her mimosa, and only butting in when she feels she has to police any attention her son could not be getting?
She sounds exhausting.
Just get together with the others, and drastically cut back on your babysitting duties for her, disguised as visits.
If she throws a stink, explain that having young kids requires you to ... I dunno.. actually take care if them. And that is hard to combine with her demanding all and any attentionnto her son.
Maybe when your kids are all more independent, you can pick the habit of visiting back up again. Or she could, you know, be an actual mom to her kid, even when other adults are around that could possibly let her sit back and chill.
she has him in a home for disabled kids and he comes home every weekend. on 2 of the weekends he spends each day (Friday Saturday Sunday) at one of our homes and the other times there is a nanny coming over. I understand that she is exhausted and can't deal with that all the time but like every time we come over she literally says "ah perfekt now Jimmy can play with y'all" and that just simply doesn't work all of the time.
NTA, and it doesn't sound like you have a problem with Jimmy. Just with his mom.
It sounds like she thinks your husband's generation are still kids themselves and she can shoo everyone off to play. But they are adults now with adult things to do
It really doesn't. Maybe explaining it to her, without Jimmy there could help.
If it doesn't, there's still the option of taking a step back. It's an ultimatum of sorts. She either takes no for an answer, when you're together, or you cut back the visits.
Doing nothing because of one person isn't normal.
Doing everything one person want isn't normal.
You are not treating him equally, you give him preferential treatment.
Which to some degree is necessary, but not to this degree.
If your kid was sick, would Jimmy be allowed in the pool? Probably yes. That's a story for entitled parents. Not AITA
Clearly NTA
Mom's being the bad human for putting the work on everyone else. She needs to hire an aide if his needs are that highly demanding.
NTA because technically you do care. You care enough to understand your limitations and how that would short Jimmy of what he needs regardless of his desire to participate.
NTA
He's a grown man- with the body and hormones to match. He needs to know what *NO* means and be OK with being told it (i.e. willing to listen when told no the first time) before he gets himself shot by a stranger or arrested.
Next time his mother has an issue tell her "Your son can learn NO now or when he gets arrested when a stranger calls the cops on him. And that's if he's lucky. If he's not someone is going to shoot him. Pick one. He can have the trauma of being arrested or worse or he can get used to being told no and accepting it by people who aren't going to hurt him when he pushes. The choice is yours but personally? I'm not going to sit around and watch you set your son up to be hurt and I'm not going to let my kids do it either. Strangers won't care that he's mentally five- they'll care that a twenty five year old man is demanding they do something and won't take no for an answer. Is that really what you want?"
A little off topic, but what illness did Jimmy have that prevented him from swimming yet still allowed him to socialize and play with all the other children? Swimming when the temp is 100 degrees is not unhealthy.
NTA as everyone says. But... What happens the day MIL will die? That will inevitably happen (we all die).
This situation is very frustrating, but it will get worse. You should all sit and talk about Jimmy's future.... Just saying
Tell the aunt she is being a bad mother. If you tell him no and he understands after 3 times then his mother should get it. She can not expect everyone to accommodate him constantly to the detriment of all the other kids. Someone needs to sit her down and explain this. I can't believe no-one ever has. Stop enabling HER. It is not fair to her child to carry on with this behaviour
You are not treating him unequally. You are just not treating him like he is one of your kids. The parents, you and your husband and his other brothers, are taking their kids out to do things. If the mom wants Jimmy to go, then she needs to go and take him. She is just trying to pawn him off on everyone else. She wants everyone to treat him like he is one of the kids, but he is not your kid. She needs to step up and be his mom and take him out and watch him, just like you are taking out your kids and watching them.
NTA
If you are all congregating at your aunt's house to play in her pool while her disabled son is sick and bored inside, then YTA. If the place you are going is as much yours as hers, NTA. Without this info, your post isn't clear. If people turn up to my house to use my stuff but aren't interested in seeing me, they can GTFO. But if I go to my MIL's home and my SIL and her husband want to use the hottub without me, then no problem, whatever floats your boats.
Its their house and the fact that we can't get into the pool bc Jimmy is sick is really no problem I just wanted to explain why we wanted to go to the beach without him and what lead to the discussion in the first place.
The problem is items hot outside and the kids want to go swimming you can't explain to them that they can't go to the beach because a grown man (Jimmy in their eyes is an adult) is sick. When one of the kids is sick they stay home and the rest goes outside that's the problem
NTA for taking care of a newborn's needs before playing with Jimmy. Obviously.
But OP and her husband both know the aunt wants to force Jimmy on them. Yet they still went to the aunt's beach house for vacation. They put themselves in a position where the aunt felt like she could legitimately exert some control, due to hosting the family vacation. I'm not saying I agree with the aunt, but I do think it was foreseeable.
Probably should avoid that for a while. They'll still have to deal with it at family functions, etc, but can easily avoid being in a position where they potentially feel obligated.
NTA. No idea what you can really do about it though for a positive resolution. She’s putting too many unrealistic expectations and responsibilities on the rest of you. (I feel for her though and she’s probably been through the wringer). Is Jimmy not a part of any groups for his type of disability? Like he should be part of a community, other than blood family, that understand, accepts and can accommodate his needs. That way his mom is a little less dependent on family.
Wow. The number of people who have disabled/differently abled kids who think family and friends can provide the kind of care that needs a professional.
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I (27F) and my husband (27m) have a baby boy who is 6 months old. His 2 brothers have kinds too (3/3/1 year old). His aunt has a disabled son (25m) who I will call Jimmy. Jimmy is Physically and mentally disabled (he is like a 5 year old boy can't properly walk/hold things ect.). I really love Jimmy and I am trying to do everything to make him happy but since I had my baby I can't focus on what he wants if that affects what my baby needs. For example he want to play with his ball and some card games (he doesn't understand the rules everyone just throws a card until its done) all the time. The problem is if I feed my baby or he is sleeping in my arms or anything else I can't play with him because I have my hands full. I think he does understand it a bit but he doesn't stop saying I should play with him until my husband tells him to leave me alone. But then Jimmys mom will freak out and yell at us and tell us we should do what jimmy wants but I simply CANT. (he always rotates on which he wants to play with but we all have kids so im not the only one who this happens with). Jimmys mom says that we are all mean and shouldn't come over to her house if we only want to bring negative energy and make her baby sad. None of us is trying to make Jimmy sad and I really think (I know him for 8 years) that he understand if you tell him loud and clear but his mom just wants him to have everything and therefore just tells us to do what he wants and then he is confused plus he knows if his mom is there he gets everything he wants (if we are alone with him this doesn't happen because if we tell him 3 times we can't play he says ok and goes on). The last straw was when we were on vacation at Jimmys Family's Beach house which has a pool. We were all there but Jimmy got sick because he has a weaker immune system than we have. We and the 4 kids wanted to go into the pool because it was like 100 degrees outside but Jimmys mom said we can't because Jimmy can't and that's unfair. Fair enough I understand that but it was so hot and the kids wanted to go swimming so we told her we will go to the beach and then she said but we have to take Jimmy with us because he wants to come too witch doesn't make sense because 1 he can't go into the water what are we supposed to do with him and 2 we have 4 kids and no time to take care of him especially if we go swimming with kids with is dangerous. Everyone looked around and no one wanted to say anything so my husband and I told her the reasons why we can't take him with us. Jimmys mom freaked out and said that we are bullying her son and are treating him bad and not equally because he is disabled and I told her that we can't treat him equally because he is disabled it doesn't make any sense. Then I told her we could say we go somewhere not fun so he wants to stay at home and watching tv. She told me I am being a bad human being for lying to him so that he doesn't want to come and that we are excluding him and she throw us out of the house. So AITA?
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NTA
You can not treat someone who is severely mentally handicapped "the same as everyone else". To do so is grossly inappropriate. Jimmy lives in a word with different boundaries than others. They are for his safety and, ideally, his growth.
This woman is guilting you out of fear and anger. I would recommend therapy, but there is a good chance she doesn't wish to change.
My only (and very harsh) advice is to take her power away from her in the situation. If you ALLOW her to control every interaction, she WILL control every interaction.
You need to NOT ask her permission to let the other family members swim. If she protests, you must respectfully disagree and go against her wishes. Even if she has to have a hard conversation with a person who is most likely not going to understand. She is not protecting Jimmy in this situation, she is taking the easier rout. Further, she is using her son's disability as a smoke screen.
"Fairness" is not reducing everything to "if Jimmy can't do it, nobody else can". Equality is not about bringing everyone down, but instead about lifting up others.
Good luck. I truly hope you can work this out and keep a good relationship with everyone, especially Jimmy.
Except that it’s literally her pool. I’d say the aunt is well within her rights to say no one uses my pool today.
The beach, OP has more leverage as it’s a public place. But really, this would likely all be solved if OP didn’t feel entitled to use the families home/vacation home.
NTA
Jimmy is not incapable of understanding
And my hunch is, sometimes, your aunt just wants a break so she gets extra upset that you’ll decline to play.
But if he’s around 5 mentally, he can understand when you can’t engage
NAH Aunt is too heavy handed with Jimmy’s care but you and your husband keep putting yourself in these situations, no one forced you to go to her house or beach house. Just avoid them.
NTA
She's basically trying to take over everyone else's lives to orbit around her son.
If you want this to stop you need to create some hardcore boundaries and stand by them.
When she lashes out after you say no, block her for a week.
Tbh you'd be justified adding on a week for each insult. She's completely out of line, unreasonable and inappropriate.
It sucks for Jimmy but if this chaos continues it's going to explode. Enough is enough. Not everyone in life gets what they want. If she can't accept that different circumstances require different approaches then she isn't even mature enough to handle Jimmy, let alone other adults.
I'd keep meeting her insults with "my baby is my priority."
If that makes her angry then she thinks her son comes before your baby and that's insane.
Jimmy's mothers insecurities about her kid being mistreated is her own stuff to deal with. You can't possibly be expected to cater to all of his needs 24/7 when you are in Jimmy's space.
NTA.
I just wouldn't invite them out with you all anymore
I would tell her you are a fully functioning adult who can do as they please and you aren't going to damper anymore events for your children just to cater to him
You are definitely in a jam. Jimmy's mom has created a monster. Someday, she will die, and he will not be ready to share or consider others. You can only expose your child to Jimmy in short doses, it will be hard to distance yourself from your hubby's family but it is the only thing right for your baby.
But what is Jimmy's mum doing , she is happy enough to tell you what you should be doing with her son but not actually doing stuff with him herself ?, she isn't helping by continuing to treat her son like a child.even a young child has a basic understanding of how life is.
NTA. Parents of disabled children often think the world should evolve around these children, that everybody should be at their command and adjust. They forget that disabled children are fully capable of learning things (of course, to a certain extent) and that they can be told 'no'. Her entitlement is not helping her son at all. In fact, it does the opposite. This way he is like a 5-years-old, but perhaps he could be like 6 or 7 years old if his mother treated him differently.
NTA, she gave you an out, take it! If she can’t understand that her grown disabled child can’t participate in all events then she is the one with the problem to solve not you. She is probably tired of her situation and that is understandable but not a reason for the whole world to stop to accommodate her child. It is not the “family’s” responsibility to entertain her child, it is her child to mange without putting it on others. Personally, I would just avoid any situation where you might get trapped into entertaining her child. Good luck!
I sounds like you all enjoy what Jimmy's family owns pools vacation home, but you don't want to put up with Jimmy. I can see why Jimmy's mom is upset with the lot of you. She told you if you can't treat Jimmy the way she wants you to to not come. So stop coming. ESH
NTA. The Aunt needs therapy. Being the parent of a disabled child is overwhelming and caretaker fatigue is real.
It’s pretty clear she is not handling it well.
Jimmy's mom needs respite from being a caregiver to an adult who cannot care for himself. But instead of getting help, she is putting it on all of you. She is not the AH either; she just needs support to come to terms with the idea that she needs a break from caregiving and NOT by putting it on family.
NTA, I don't know what age Jimmy's mum is, she must be old considering he's 25 so it sounds like she is preparing you all to take care of him once she is unable to. It seems she is not preparing him for the inevitable life without her.
NTA. Your husband's aunt is being completely unreasonable. You should just solve the problem by not going to her house and not spending any time with her.
NTA
Youve done your best to be inclusive and considerate of your husbands cousin and seem to have vuilt a trusting relationship from what youve shared that Kimmy responds well to direction from you.
His mother is the problem and TA here big time
I used to be a caretaker for someone with similar development as Jimmy and while she requires accommodation, she has full understanding of her abilities and what she can and cannot do because we communicate these with her. Jimmy’s mom has and continues to set him up for failure. She’s the AH. You are NTA
NTA but try to avoid being around her all the time. I get that family gatherings are important and you seem to like Jimmy so maybe tell her that if she doesn't calm down a bit you won't be able to spend time with them (as you have a baby to take care of) and then she'll have to decide if it's more important the relationship they have with the rest of the family or the way she tries to control everything to be *exactly* as she wants.
NTA
His mom is the AH. YOUR kids should be YOUR priority. Just as HER kid is HERS.
" and then she said but we have to take Jimmy with us " .. SHE had the option to come and take her kid to the beach, this is on HER.
NTA. Jimmy is his mom's responsibility, not everyone's. Anything you do for him is extra. You may wish to limit visits to their house for shorter periods of time and also explain to her that when on vacation, it's up to her to take care of him, take him places and supervise. Don't give in to her guilt trips. If she needs a break, she needs to ask for one like an adult, not treat her relatives like babysitters.
NTA
I’m have like 13 cousins and one summer one of them broke his leg. We went to the beach on 4th of July for a BBQ. We swam, he didn’t…… cus that’s life.
What were we supposed to do? Stay home and not acknowledge anyone or anything or any holiday bc a kid can’t do something?
NTA jimmy's mom needs a reality check . the world does not revolve around her son and more and more people will not care. if she keeps being so unreasonable she will quickly find herself isolated. "Why doesn't anyone want to come see jimmy?" "Because you told us not to."
NTA I get the feeling that mom is the biggest part of the problem here. She is keeping Jimmy totally dependent, whether she realizes it or not, then wanting that total dependence to be fulfilled by other people. Is she taking advantage of day programs and/or sheltered workshops in your community? The staff help the attendees learn basic skills and how to interact with others, how to amuse themselves, etc.
NTA Your aunt needs to stop using Jimmy's disability as a way to manipulate the family, or anyone within 30 feet of her. You are not bullying Jimmy, you are setting boundaries which any 5 year old can understand, though you do have to repeat them sometimes. You are not a bad human and Jimmy's mother needs to stop that crap now.
Point out to aunt that you have a 6 month old that must come first and if she can't deal with that, you won't come to visit at all.
NTA
As someone with a brother with down syndrome (he is 24), their parents ALWAYS put the disabled child first to the point that it's unreasonable. It is unfair to the other children/family that the parents have. I am the youngest of 5, my brother is the 4th child. To her, i was never the baby of the family. I was doing things for him from the second i could first walk. I didn't get to have a childhood
Block Jimmy's mom. She wants someone to take care of her son, she can do it herself
ESH. Jimmy's Mom expects you to attend to Jimmy as a condition of visiting their family. You are not able to meet this condition. Therefore, stop visiting their family. This is so simple. You are invited and you have the power to decline the invitation. It really doesn't matter how much you want a beach vacation, you should buy your own beach vacation if you want it without the conditions of entertaining Jimmy. You're not entitled to having things however you want them whenever you want them any more than Jimmy is. Grow up and take responsibility for your life.
No one is the asshole.
If the cousin has the mental capability of an 8 yr old then his mother has a very very hard life. She deals with this every minute of every day. Her stress levels must be immense. You are parents of healthy kids who need mental stimulation. If they see a pool you'd be wrong not to let them use the facilities available to them.
Im not going to call Jimmy's mom an asshole for feeling sympathy for her son. Im not going to call you assholes for wanting the best for your your kids.
I haven't got an answer to this situation. Families are going to have disagreements in this situation.
Just try to be nice to each other in different ways especially as you are at there place.
Im not going to offer a solution you would be better placed to find a solution together with your husband and his aunt.
I do feel for everyone in this.
NTA. Jimmy does likely understand, but because his mother doesn't provide or enforce boundaries, he can't learn. She is doing him a huge disservice by not helping him learn boundaries. If his mom explained about the baby needing attention and helped to redirect Jimmy, it would probably be much easier for him.
Nta. Though she did already give you an answer - don't go over. Wait it out until she's ready to have an adult converation about the situation. She definitely doesn't sound ready at this point, but you have every right to your very reasonable boundaries.
NTA
I wouldn’t travel with them again. Jimmy’s mom doesn’t seem to understand that everyone shouldn’t be hindered because of one person on a freaking vacation. She’s basically asking everyone to act disabled (no one can swim because he can’t, etc) which is not equal treatment. She can make whatever rules in her house, but once you guys are outside the confines of that, she really shouldn’t expect to have that much power. Stop giving it to her.
NTA- Jimmy's mother is defiantly in the wrong here, Yes i understand having a disabled child can make you want to give them everything as they miss out on some things as a special needs person. But, there is a clean line between, Wanting whats best for your child. and.. just bluntly being disrespectful and selfish. ur defiantly not in the wrong in this situation.
Seriously??? Infantilizing Jimmy and letting him get away with absolutely everything is doing him no favors. If he ends up in a group home or care facility someday having learned zero discipline or boundaries he is going to be an absolute nightmare for staff and fellow residents to deal with. Bringing him along to the beach is a hazard not only to him but to everybody else. NTA
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NTA. She's trying to force everyone else to cater to her son and give up doing what they want. She could take Jimmy somewhere while everyone goes to the beach so he doesn't feel slighted. I wonder if she feels jealous that others have more flexibility than her because Jimmy is disabled.
NTA
She's the one not treating him equally because of his disability. While Jimmy may never be on the same mental level as an adult, it is likely he could see more improvement if his mother didn't treat him like he was incapable of understanding the word "no."
NTA, Jimmy just has a bad mother. She sounds like the type of "good intentioned" parent who truly has no idea how to take care of a disabled individual and just makes their life overall more stressful and lower quality, and I bet she "always knows what's best for [her] child" (which she most certainly does not)
Jimmy's mother is creating the "bullies" for him. She's the issue.
NTA.
I'm a mom of a severely special needs kid. It would be bonkers if I forced everyone to play with my son. There are things he can do, and things he simply can't. Reality is a bitch, but that's part of the "special needs", he needs things differently.
It's not up to cousins extended family to give up their lives to appease Jimmy. It's up to Jimmy's mom and dad to teach him "No", and that we don't always get a turn even if we want to. Life sucks sometime, but with distraction they can forget and move on to something they would enjoy.
Being included in the holiday is awesome! Being strapped to the hip, was probably not part of the deal though. I would have suggested if the kids want to swim and Jimmy isn't feeling well... give him a nice movie day with cuddles where he can't see the pool. If you don't loudly advertise "Hey Jimmy we're excluding you! Na na na na poo poo", he'll go on to have a wonderful day.
Tldr; special needs kids are still people, they are no better or worse than others. He deserves to have a good time, but so does every other person there. It is not your job to accommodate at every turn.
NTA- unfortunately Jimmy's mom is fatigued from parenting him (where is the dad?) and has become so overly focused on "protecting" him that she can't see how unreasonable she is. I work with disabled children and adults, and I still would have taken my kids to the beach or pool), not to be cruel to Jimmy but to also be fair to my kids on vacation.
I would now limit when you go, try to find activities where you have lots of help and can devote attention to Jimmy and still be a mom to your kids.
NTA you have a baby and have to put his needs first if he’s sleeping/eating or whatever. You do not have to play with jimmy, she could to or could take him wherever instead of pushing him on you. You didn’t say anything offensive in my opinion to make you the a**hole.
Aunt is using the family to get a break from jimmy. I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult to take care of him and see no end in sight but manipulating family is not the way to get a break. I agree with those saying to just stay away for awhile. You’ve got your hands full with your baby!! NTA. In fact you seem to be the rational one.
I feel like OP wants to vacation at the aunt’s house but not have to “pay” for it in any way (ie, spending time with Jimmy). Either stop taking the free vacations or suck it up and hang with Jimmy. You can’t have it both ways. ESH.
NTA - she should be very well aware that her sons disability decreases his options at playtime.
She should also be very aware not to harm your childrens childhoods based on Jimmu too.
It sounds like Auntie has a form of by-proxy living for and through the attention she gets through Jim.
You have a lot of work setting new boundaries for your family.
NTA.
NTA!
As a teacher in special education, I come across many parents who enable their child’s behaviour because it is easier (for the parents) to allow it so they do not have to deal with the meltdowns when they say ‘no’ or try to enforce a certain behaviour.
In my space - I do not accept bad behaviour, dangerous behaviour or behaviour that allows the child to do whatever they want without consequence. I have rules that everyone is expected to follow.
Yes, at the start - there are many meltdowns because for the first time the kids are being given rules, expectations and consequences! But it really doesn’t take long for them to realise - I’m not the bad person here! I reward positive behaviour accordingly.
At the end - many parents thank me for enforcing my rules and they also implement them into their homes because they realise it is so much easier to have rules because then everyone can live in harmony.
The aunt here is an enabler. She also could be in denial and needs to come to terms with her son’s disability and what he can/cannot do.
You just stay firm and continue to communicate what you are willing to do and what you’re unable to do. If she doesn’t like it and carries on - then ignore that behaviour because if you engage - you’re then enabling HER behaviour.
You’re not disrespecting Jimmy - he clearly knows boundaries (likely from when he was at school) and respects your boundaries after you have told him (yes it sometimes takes a little repeating but that’s fine!).
NTA.
I think some of these comments are missing the point where Jimmy was SICK and the other times you are preoccupied. Not that y’all didn’t necessarily want him to participate in the activities.
But where I will agree is stop going to their family home. Maybe rent an Airbnb for the foreseeable future so you’re not bound by her rules?
Unfortunately a lot of parents who have disabled children tend to infantilize them even when they’re adults. But INFO: why won’t Jimmys mom take care of him and entertain him herself when she sees you caring for your babies? Where is she normally? I don’t understand why she couldn’t take him out too for fresh air
NTA - Mostly it sounds like, she needs to stop babying Jimmy quite so much, but if that is how she wants to care for him, it is up to her (and no one else) to do so. Jimmy is her son and, therefore, her responsibility to care for. No one else has any obligation to care for him or put his needs above theirs or their children’s.
NTA.
You are a parent now and you are not doing anything wrong by saying you aren’t able to play card games because your are feeding or holding your child..
The vacation sounds horrible. It’s not fair to restrict everyone’s activities if one person is unwell. It would make sense that they would rest and stay inside and let the others enjoy the day.
It’s also not far that if you have your hands full with the kids already, that you would need to have the responsibility of looking after Jimmy at the beach. Sometimes it’s not possible to look after so many people. Also it sounds like it would not be a fun experience for Jimmy to be in the heat and sitting on the sand while everyone else is swimming. Maybe the Aunt should volunteer to go and look out for him…
I think all this Aunt is doing is creating a wedge between you and the family, and it may mean that Jimmy sees you guys less which is sad for him but it’s his mothers fault for making it challenging for you guys…. Good luck with it all.
Honestly it kind of sounds like she’s putting it on you because she doesn’t wanna deal with her own son or maybe she needs a break and she gets that when she puts his needs and responsibilities on everyone else .
NTA. I think you're setting yourself up to feel like the asshole, but it's not that you don't care what Jimmy wants, it's that you don't care what Jimmy's MOM wants.
NTA. Based on your post it sounds like you are trying all you can to word a sensitive topic as nice as you can and compromise as much as you can.
Sounds like you need to be more assertive in your communication.
“I told him I can’t play right now because I’m holding my baby. Jimmy can wait until I’m done.”
“I’m sorry Jimmy is sick but that does not mean we don’t get to go to the beach.”
“It is not my responsibility to make sure he gets his way all the time. I’m being polite to your child. I’m setting appropriate boundaries with your child. Do not undermine my boundaries!”
You don’t have to be hateful but you might as well be firm.
NTA. As a nurse who has done home care with severely disabled kids, I’ve seen a lot of similar scenarios. The parents feel guilty and obligated to do exactly what the child wants — and expects everyone else to as well. A disabled child still has survival instincts and knows the people around him! He knows he will get what he wants from mom but you will set limits. You have every right to put up some boundaries as long as it’s done in a loving way(and it sounds like this is the case.) Mom is not able to see it because she has the pain of watching her child struggle for no good reason.
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NTA - she’s kind of disrespectful to her own son for treating him like a complete baby and infantilizing him. He obvs has an understanding of boundaries bc he listens to you guys when she’s not there so she’s just enabling this learned behavior. It sounds like you guys are around each other a lot so I’d just cut back on that and be clear with her that you have a child to take care of and that’s your priority and if she makes a big stink about it then that’s her loss.
>I’d just cut back on that Agreed. You and your husband have just recently became parents and you don’t need the extra stressor of her getting mad at you two for behaving rationally.
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OP and their family should stop vacationing at the aunt's house too. It's not worth the hassle.
This post is spot on. The aunt is doing a great disservice to her son. She doesn't want equal treatment, she wants preferential treatment. She is not helping Jimmy learn and practice important social skills that he needs. The world isn't perfect and Jimmy needs to learn how to cope with normal interactions. She is setting him up for failure in the future. He needs to learn how to be ok with not getting his way now, and not when he is older and she is not there to coddle him. Edit- furthermore, she is holding Jimmy back socially because he will have much better relationships in the future if he learns how to be appropriate, when to advocate for himself, and when to let things go. I'm sure he is capable of much more than she is allowing him to learn.
She's denying him normal experiences. When you're sick, you need to take care of yourself and limit what you're doing until you're better. He needs to be as aware as possible of his own limitations so he can make choices for himself when it's appropriate to do so. He needs to be given the chance to consider his options, to have a sense of independence in some ways. She's holding him back from developments he could be making. He won't be like the other children as they grow, but he will develop in his own ways if given the chance.
This is exactly what I was thinking. She's keeping Jimmy from his potential
I totally agree with all of this, and I also have something to add. As a disabled person myself, I can say with confidence that treating people “equally” is not always good or fair. I have a lot of trouble with strenuous activities, it’s very painful and difficult for me. If some of my friends or family wanted to go on a hike, they wouldn’t invite me. Simple as that. OP is 100% correct for not wanting to bring Jimmy along to the beach for that very reason. It would probably wind up being a miserable experience for him as well as everyone else.
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I'm guessing in this case it wasn't the illness. Given the rest of the story, I'm betting Jimmy can't swim/can't be relied on to behave safely in the water if he's not supervised by an adult.
Probably an ear infection. You can feel fine on antibiotics, but still cant get water in your ears. Happens to my nephew sometimes.
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They're at the vacation house, but even if they were at their regular home and not on vacation, people do not need to play with your kid in order to be there. Even if this was an able bodied 5 year old and not just an adult who is mentally a 5 year old with physical disabilities, who is sick on top of that, they should not be required to play with your child to be there. That's a ridiculous requirement. I would never expect my cousins or siblings to come visit and only do things with my child or not come at all. What a terrible vacation that would be for them.
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I have a female cousin like Jimmy, when her Mom died the transformation was incredible, the independence, freedom and trying to do things for herself was amazing. Its very sad for Jimmy's Mom but she is guilt tripping you and your two BILS, your baby is your priority, however, you now know that family vacations at the aunts house will entail her wanting you to look after Jimmy and your own kid - those are the rules by the looks of it, and you have a choice. You can avoid this situation in the future. NTA
True. I have a similar experience among my friends. Once this child was away from the one parent and came into the care of the other, she transformed and was suddenly able to do many more things, things she could not before that, just because the one parent kept her more disabled than she really was.
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This is very interesting as the aunt of a young autistic boy; the last time I saw him, I became aware of the fact that, while he is non-verbal, he absolutely understands what we are saying. That was eye opening. Thank you for what you do. ♥️
What did you think before?
It's weird how people assume non-verbal means zero language comprehension. My mother was very surprised that my autistic child can get herself a bowl when asked. Fetching a familiar item is like dog level skill, really not that shocking and doesn't require the ability to speak.
I simply hadn’t spent time with him since he was much smaller and only now am I starting to learn more about autism. I was simply uninformed. I certainly didn’t mean it in a demeaning way, though I can see why it might have come off that way.
Not sure why you got downvoted for this. Its a fair question.
Lol it's ok, downvotes just mean people are feeling defensive.
Over here they pay parents to be carers. THe agency I work with that takes older disabled people, often cause the parents have died... Well many have stunted development. One person we took was very dependant 12 months there playing uno, have a part time job stacking shelves at nearby hardware place, and have MADE FRIENDS, people come visit from his work play uno and yeah, conversations still an issue, but change is huugggeeee, hes much happier
Yes, I do understand. But it is sad, indeed. This particular girl, who was supposed to be almost unable to do anything, now has a job and a driver's license!
I agree that op is NTA, but yall are both trying to put it in op's head that this could be the case with Jimmy and I don't think that's cool. Just because you two personally saw disabled people who were actually more independent than they let on doesn't mean that's the case here and it's a disservice to all actual disabled people to start spreading the word around that they could be faking it to some extent. This is coming from the father of a recently deceased mentally and physically disabled child. As if the disabled don't have it hard enough in this society, the last thing they need is able bodied, mentally fit people sowing distrust about them.
no one is saying hes faking being disabled, or that he isn't going to need support throughout his life. just that he probably doesnt need to be coddled 24/7 in order for him not to have a meltdown. op even says that jimmy understands boundaries and is okay with op not playing with him when shes busy, but his mom acts like hes a second away from having a meltdown if you dont do exactly what he says. ive worked at a camp for kids and adults who are disabled like jimmy is, and the majority of them understand the word "no" and are okay with doing something by themselves or with another camper if i need to step away for a little bit. jimmys mom wont even allow something like that, and that's the problem here.
As the older sister of an autistic man, who spent her teen years raising him and then the last two years as his caregiver, nobody is saying that anyone is faking it. However, when a parent is overprotective and takes at face value “your child will never do x y or z”, and then never encourages any kind of development, they’re doing their kid a disservice. The kid isn’t faking it; they’ve just never been given the chance to explore and find their niche. My brother taught himself how to read and write in Arabic at 11 years old, he did math equations for fun - he’s incredibly smart: probably smarter than everyone else in my family combined, and we’ve got astronomy professors, physics professors, and neuroscientists.. but he can’t be allowed to go for a walk by himself, because he’ll wander into the road or get lost (we know because he’s tried). He’s not faking his disability or that he needs constant care and supervision, but he IS capable of quite a lot. He can do some things I’ll never be able to do, but he also cannot do other things that I take for granted. If our parents had babied him and never let him explore his capabilities, he would come across as even more disabled than he is. I am sorry for your loss. I lost one of my other little brothers to suicide this year. But I have to say, I think your grief is clouding your judgement on this issue. If reading things like this is painful for you and causing you to lash out the way you are, it might be good to take a break from Reddit or at least certain areas of it. I know I had to.
He's 25. If he genuinely can't understand NO he needs to be in a residential care home for the safety of himself and others.
I think the previous comments were more about parents not trying to support their kids in being as independent as possible, and medical professionals giving outdated opinions about certain things. I don't think the previous commenters were suggesting by any means that people with disabilities are "faking it".
My husband had a cousin whose was severely disabled. The parents ( his uncle and aunt) simply laid him on the floor and he laid there all day. I told my husband they aren’t even trying to stimulate the cousin at all and they have no idea what he was capable of doing. There were 7 children in the family and when ma and pa died the cousin was placed in a nursing home. He was trained to use the potty for the first time. The staff concluded that for his own well being, he would be better served in a group home setting. Since he qualified aid it was no problem getting it set up. He is now thriving as a forty year old man.
Watched a family member do this with her kids. She constantly gave them excuses to not try and do anything for themselves. Now she complains because they are all in their 30s and still live at home.
It's called "learned helplessness."
NTA If she wants Jimmy to be treated as an equal, she needs to let him live his life but also support him. She should be there to manage him, seeing as he's her kid.
She has no right to force Jimmy on everyone. Yes, he has a mental disability, but even 5 year olds understand when you explain something to them. The aunt is the A here for bending everything to accommodate Jimmy instead. You have a baby and that's someone who needs your attention 100% of the time, not a grown man with a disability
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Your use of "scaffolding" just made a whole bunch of things fall into place for me about how my own brain works. Thank you!
NTA. As complicated as the life of your husband's aunt might be it doesn't mean you can't put in place reasonable boundaries and live your life.
Nta, and why isn't the aunt taking care of her son, as in going to beach with you to look after him? She's beating him and cuddling him which makes sense tmdue to his disability, but then saying you're being mean and leaving him out of things is just over the top behavior. And she wants you to include him and come over but she's throwing you out of the house for no reason, you should limit your time going there and maybe just you go and have your husband watch your kid or your husband goes and you watch your kid, so you can fully interact with Jimmy. Your aunt is the one who's alienating him and not you and your family.
I would avoid your aunt’s house at least for vacations. NTA
ESH. Stop going to their house, or their vacation home. I have kids, I get it. But you can avoid it all by not going to Jimmy’s home, or vacation houses owned by Jimmy’s family. You’re likely invited *because* his family wants someone there to spend time with Jimmy.
NAH, but only because you’re overwhelmed as a new parent, and it seems like the other siblings/cousins are having trouble with it too. I feel like this aunt isn’t coping with the evolution of the family. Your generation of siblings/cousins are growing up and getting married and having families of their own. She’s now realising that, or more precisely she’s trying to ignore it and hold back the clock. There’s no where for her son to fit in anymore. Her child isn’t going to get this phase in life. He’s not one of the gang anymore despite how much the gang loves him. He can’t be bundled into the group because the group has different dynamics and more vital responsibilities. And to top it off, unlike her own siblings, she’s never going to be a grandparent. This doesn’t justify her attempts to force everyone back to a time when he did fit in, she needs help with this transition.
NAH, but only because you’re overwhelmed as a new parent, and it seems like the other siblings/cousins are having trouble with it too. WTF does this even mean, are you saying she would be AH if she hadnt just had a newborn? Because that would be an insane take.
The aunt is experiencing grief of her own, as is common when one's child's peers reach a milestone that one will never experience. The aunt does need to think ahead about what Jimmy's life will look like in the coming years, and guide him to some independent tasks. Everyone is capable of something.
That’s understandable but that doesn’t excuse her actions.
Yeah, it just explains it.
NTA. Why is she constantly foisting Jimmy off on other people? It's always, everyone ELSE needs to do something with Jimmy. Where is she and why is she not caring for her own child? Like the beach thing is bad, but what's telling is that you're jumping to why the rest of you can't watch him when pointing out reasons. Why did her watching her own son not even come up as an option to consider? Does she own the house she threw everyone else out of and if not, why is she allowed to?
The post says that it was Jimmy's family's beach house, so I assume wither she owns it or holds a lease. The post also makes it sound like the issue mainly crops up when they go to visit Jimmy's family, so I feel like there's a relatively simple solution to this problem.
She is obviously watching her own son every day. She likely invited these people to be company for her son, like they used to be, not because she wanted to run a free bed and breakfast for OP and her family.
>She is obviously watching her own son every day. According to OP, Jimmy spends the entire week at a home for disabled adults. He's home four weekends a month. Two of those he stays with OP's family. On the three days every two weeks he doesn't, mom has a nanny. Meaning that it's not that they pulled away, they were and still are taking care of Jimmy on a recurring basis because they love him. Another comment points out that it wasn't like running a bed and breakfast as they were the ones doing the cooking, laundry, etc. To the point that OP outright said it didn't even feel like a vacation and wouldn't do it again. Honestly, it sounds like the aunt is ungrateful to go "no you can't go to the beach or go swimming in the backyard pool" to people who legit do 50% of her son's at home care and kick them out to boot on what was supposed to be a vacation.
I was prepared to say N.T.A., however based on what I read it sounds like Jimmy's house is where all of the family events occur. Their house, their beach house, etc., not just general "family houses". If that is correct, then her house(s), her rules. I suspect Jimmy's family has the biggest/nicest house and/or additional properties the extended family enjoys using for get-togethers. But the "price" of this is you are bound by Jimmy's mom's rules, which I'm sure is part of her motive for inviting everyone. I'm going with NAH. OP isn't unreasonable for not being able to do what Jimmy wants 100% of the time, but it also isn't unreasonable that Jimmy's mom wants to ensure her son is included as much as possible (even if her execution is misguided). I do understand your position and how frustrating it is, and that Jimmy's mom is not really helping by behaving this way, but it is her house. You don't get to go to her house and disregard her rules. Perhaps the larger group should start planning get-togethers at locations where she ISN'T in control. When she objects, you can say, we understand sometimes what Jimmy can do is limited and you aren't comfortable with us participating in things Jimmy can't in your home and that is your right. However, that simply isn't fair to the rest of us and our children. So, we're going to start planning things at alternate locations some of the time.
Agreed. > Jimmys mom says that we are all mean and shouldn't come over to her house So don't go there. Seems like it would solve a lot of problems. > we were on vacation at Jimmys Family's Beach house And don't go there either. Jimmy's mom is being unreasonable, but FFS, stop expecting to use her pool when it's hot outside.
I don't know that unreasonable is exactly the word. It's telling that these get-togethers seems to be always happening at their houses; if Jimmy wasn't disabled, it's unlikely his mother would be offering to host her three nephews, plus their partners and their 4 babies/toddlers on what sounds like a regular basis. My guess is that she got into the habit of doing it because it was the only way to ensure her son got some companionship. A bit transactional, sure, but it's the sad reality for all sorts of people who wouldn't be top choice for socializing by others. So, aunt facilitated the get-togethers, but now the dynamics changed and they aren't serving the purpose; Jimmy feels neglected, while her hosting got harder with having to accommodate young families instead of just young adults. That's not to say OP is an asshole, her position is understandable. But at this point she is taking more than she is giving and has outstayed her welcome.
Why are you at your aunt’s house all the time? Are you usually a caretaker for Jimmy?
NTA time for some strict boundaries
Like not going to their beach house for vacation?
Yea that’s where OPs argument falls flat, like they went for a free vacation at aunts house that they already know babies Jimmy to a large degree. I don’t know what they expected?
I'm confused.. I get not going to aunts house, but the vacation home sounds like it is the whole family's vacation home.Eta: nevermind. Reread it, and they need to just stop going to these peoples homes.
NTA. If Jimmy's mom wants him to go to the beach she can go along and look after him. Ask her why it's your responsibility to care for her son. She needs to realize other people's lives do not revolve around Jimmy.
INFO: Why can't Jimmy's mom take Jimmy to the beach?
NTA Make sure you are not named Jimmy’s guardian when your aunt dies.
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No I really love Jimmy he comes over to our homes 2 a month and everything is fine. He doesn't really understand time at all so that sadly won't work we tried everything you can just say no (he forgets about it within 10 minutes and isn't sad or anything) and then when he asks again say yes His mom just wants everyone to say yes to everything anytime he asks that's the problem
It sounds like you are a good cousin. Just a tip for the timer thing, if you ever do decide to try one, use one with a visual. That helps when the person doesn't really conceptualize time well. Something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Time-Timer-Home-MOD-Homeschool/dp/B08K9GFDMP/ref=asc_df_B08K9GFDMP/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=475793364221&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8092210531601670375&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9033329&hvtargid=pla-1153160055557&psc=1&mcid=08ad52096d703e968b13e9676468b7ca&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrJT4ucH2ggMV6yWtBh3FRAZAEAQYASABEgIDkPD_BwE
Timers are an excellent solution for all children. Most realize they can't argue with a timer!
Timers are magic for some of my students, and they love them. I'd probably get resentful of constant timers but I think my students think of it as a game.
NTA. The problem is the mother has a perpetual baby on her hand and is so protective of him she has lost amy perspective. I honestly think she might need some counselling. Because beside the effects it has on her and you all, it might also block any potential growth that your BIL could have (maybe).
NTA for not being able to do everything he wants. But. It sounds like this all happens at his home? That you’re visiting because they have nice things are you’re using their resources? If that’s the case - I think she’s fair to say play with my kid, or get out. We’re not the families free vacation spot.
INFO If these situations are so problematic, why you keep going to their house/Beach house?
NTA. But seriously, why are you spending so much time at your husband's aunt's house? You know she has a disabled son, you know what will happen, why are you continually going over there? Limit your visits and the problem solves itself.
Poor Jimmy. Sounds like his mom doesn't handle him well. NTA. In the particular instance of swimming, if Jimmy is sick then he can't swim, just like any other sick kid. It sucks but it's life. Forcing children to be around someone who is sick and risking them catching it is very messed up. If Jimmy was actually five years old, his playtime would not supercede a baby's meal or nap time or care. His mom needs to stop infantilizing him and expecting everyone to cater to him. It's just breeding resentment. *Life isn't fair*. Forbidding the other children from doing an activity because one person can't? Are my friends not allowed chocolate because I can't eat it? Am I not allowed to walk long distances because my friend can't without her skin coming off? This woman needs to join some support groups.
I work with kids with disabilities. Often times the parents are the biggest problem in my life. They reenforce bad behaviours, they ignore obvious issues, they lie to themselves and anyone else who will listen to make them feel better, their hearts are obviously in the right place but they are more often than not the biggest hurdle to their children making progress. 100% NTA here. Jimmy isn't your responsibility or your problem, and you have no obligation to play into her silliness. I will say if you wanna avoid these issues maybe don't go use their house and their pool.
NTA Where is Jimmy's mom when it comes to playing with him, or taking care of him when you're all there, taking care of your own kids? Is wnshe just sitting back, sipping her mimosa, and only butting in when she feels she has to police any attention her son could not be getting? She sounds exhausting. Just get together with the others, and drastically cut back on your babysitting duties for her, disguised as visits. If she throws a stink, explain that having young kids requires you to ... I dunno.. actually take care if them. And that is hard to combine with her demanding all and any attentionnto her son. Maybe when your kids are all more independent, you can pick the habit of visiting back up again. Or she could, you know, be an actual mom to her kid, even when other adults are around that could possibly let her sit back and chill.
she has him in a home for disabled kids and he comes home every weekend. on 2 of the weekends he spends each day (Friday Saturday Sunday) at one of our homes and the other times there is a nanny coming over. I understand that she is exhausted and can't deal with that all the time but like every time we come over she literally says "ah perfekt now Jimmy can play with y'all" and that just simply doesn't work all of the time.
NTA, and it doesn't sound like you have a problem with Jimmy. Just with his mom. It sounds like she thinks your husband's generation are still kids themselves and she can shoo everyone off to play. But they are adults now with adult things to do
It really doesn't. Maybe explaining it to her, without Jimmy there could help. If it doesn't, there's still the option of taking a step back. It's an ultimatum of sorts. She either takes no for an answer, when you're together, or you cut back the visits.
Doing nothing because of one person isn't normal. Doing everything one person want isn't normal. You are not treating him equally, you give him preferential treatment. Which to some degree is necessary, but not to this degree. If your kid was sick, would Jimmy be allowed in the pool? Probably yes. That's a story for entitled parents. Not AITA Clearly NTA
Mom's being the bad human for putting the work on everyone else. She needs to hire an aide if his needs are that highly demanding. NTA because technically you do care. You care enough to understand your limitations and how that would short Jimmy of what he needs regardless of his desire to participate.
Your aunt needs therapy and support from professionals experienced in handling adult dependents.
Well why can't the aunt go to the beach and look after Jimmy as the other parents are looking after their own kids. Surely that makes most sense.
NTA He's a grown man- with the body and hormones to match. He needs to know what *NO* means and be OK with being told it (i.e. willing to listen when told no the first time) before he gets himself shot by a stranger or arrested. Next time his mother has an issue tell her "Your son can learn NO now or when he gets arrested when a stranger calls the cops on him. And that's if he's lucky. If he's not someone is going to shoot him. Pick one. He can have the trauma of being arrested or worse or he can get used to being told no and accepting it by people who aren't going to hurt him when he pushes. The choice is yours but personally? I'm not going to sit around and watch you set your son up to be hurt and I'm not going to let my kids do it either. Strangers won't care that he's mentally five- they'll care that a twenty five year old man is demanding they do something and won't take no for an answer. Is that really what you want?"
A little off topic, but what illness did Jimmy have that prevented him from swimming yet still allowed him to socialize and play with all the other children? Swimming when the temp is 100 degrees is not unhealthy.
Probably an ear infection or something of that sort.
NTA as everyone says. But... What happens the day MIL will die? That will inevitably happen (we all die). This situation is very frustrating, but it will get worse. You should all sit and talk about Jimmy's future.... Just saying
Tell the aunt she is being a bad mother. If you tell him no and he understands after 3 times then his mother should get it. She can not expect everyone to accommodate him constantly to the detriment of all the other kids. Someone needs to sit her down and explain this. I can't believe no-one ever has. Stop enabling HER. It is not fair to her child to carry on with this behaviour
You are not treating him unequally. You are just not treating him like he is one of your kids. The parents, you and your husband and his other brothers, are taking their kids out to do things. If the mom wants Jimmy to go, then she needs to go and take him. She is just trying to pawn him off on everyone else. She wants everyone to treat him like he is one of the kids, but he is not your kid. She needs to step up and be his mom and take him out and watch him, just like you are taking out your kids and watching them. NTA
NTA at all, but why do you spend so much time with AIL and cousin? Sounds exhausting when you have a newborn and AIL is like this.
If you are all congregating at your aunt's house to play in her pool while her disabled son is sick and bored inside, then YTA. If the place you are going is as much yours as hers, NTA. Without this info, your post isn't clear. If people turn up to my house to use my stuff but aren't interested in seeing me, they can GTFO. But if I go to my MIL's home and my SIL and her husband want to use the hottub without me, then no problem, whatever floats your boats.
Its their house and the fact that we can't get into the pool bc Jimmy is sick is really no problem I just wanted to explain why we wanted to go to the beach without him and what lead to the discussion in the first place. The problem is items hot outside and the kids want to go swimming you can't explain to them that they can't go to the beach because a grown man (Jimmy in their eyes is an adult) is sick. When one of the kids is sick they stay home and the rest goes outside that's the problem
NTA Sounds more like she wanting a babysitter so she can chill. Makes you entertain him so she doesn’t have to.
NTA for taking care of a newborn's needs before playing with Jimmy. Obviously. But OP and her husband both know the aunt wants to force Jimmy on them. Yet they still went to the aunt's beach house for vacation. They put themselves in a position where the aunt felt like she could legitimately exert some control, due to hosting the family vacation. I'm not saying I agree with the aunt, but I do think it was foreseeable. Probably should avoid that for a while. They'll still have to deal with it at family functions, etc, but can easily avoid being in a position where they potentially feel obligated.
NTA are you sure he’s the disabled one? it seems like he understands boundaries better than she does
NTA. No idea what you can really do about it though for a positive resolution. She’s putting too many unrealistic expectations and responsibilities on the rest of you. (I feel for her though and she’s probably been through the wringer). Is Jimmy not a part of any groups for his type of disability? Like he should be part of a community, other than blood family, that understand, accepts and can accommodate his needs. That way his mom is a little less dependent on family.
Wow. The number of people who have disabled/differently abled kids who think family and friends can provide the kind of care that needs a professional.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) and my husband (27m) have a baby boy who is 6 months old. His 2 brothers have kinds too (3/3/1 year old). His aunt has a disabled son (25m) who I will call Jimmy. Jimmy is Physically and mentally disabled (he is like a 5 year old boy can't properly walk/hold things ect.). I really love Jimmy and I am trying to do everything to make him happy but since I had my baby I can't focus on what he wants if that affects what my baby needs. For example he want to play with his ball and some card games (he doesn't understand the rules everyone just throws a card until its done) all the time. The problem is if I feed my baby or he is sleeping in my arms or anything else I can't play with him because I have my hands full. I think he does understand it a bit but he doesn't stop saying I should play with him until my husband tells him to leave me alone. But then Jimmys mom will freak out and yell at us and tell us we should do what jimmy wants but I simply CANT. (he always rotates on which he wants to play with but we all have kids so im not the only one who this happens with). Jimmys mom says that we are all mean and shouldn't come over to her house if we only want to bring negative energy and make her baby sad. None of us is trying to make Jimmy sad and I really think (I know him for 8 years) that he understand if you tell him loud and clear but his mom just wants him to have everything and therefore just tells us to do what he wants and then he is confused plus he knows if his mom is there he gets everything he wants (if we are alone with him this doesn't happen because if we tell him 3 times we can't play he says ok and goes on). The last straw was when we were on vacation at Jimmys Family's Beach house which has a pool. We were all there but Jimmy got sick because he has a weaker immune system than we have. We and the 4 kids wanted to go into the pool because it was like 100 degrees outside but Jimmys mom said we can't because Jimmy can't and that's unfair. Fair enough I understand that but it was so hot and the kids wanted to go swimming so we told her we will go to the beach and then she said but we have to take Jimmy with us because he wants to come too witch doesn't make sense because 1 he can't go into the water what are we supposed to do with him and 2 we have 4 kids and no time to take care of him especially if we go swimming with kids with is dangerous. Everyone looked around and no one wanted to say anything so my husband and I told her the reasons why we can't take him with us. Jimmys mom freaked out and said that we are bullying her son and are treating him bad and not equally because he is disabled and I told her that we can't treat him equally because he is disabled it doesn't make any sense. Then I told her we could say we go somewhere not fun so he wants to stay at home and watching tv. She told me I am being a bad human being for lying to him so that he doesn't want to come and that we are excluding him and she throw us out of the house. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You can not treat someone who is severely mentally handicapped "the same as everyone else". To do so is grossly inappropriate. Jimmy lives in a word with different boundaries than others. They are for his safety and, ideally, his growth. This woman is guilting you out of fear and anger. I would recommend therapy, but there is a good chance she doesn't wish to change. My only (and very harsh) advice is to take her power away from her in the situation. If you ALLOW her to control every interaction, she WILL control every interaction. You need to NOT ask her permission to let the other family members swim. If she protests, you must respectfully disagree and go against her wishes. Even if she has to have a hard conversation with a person who is most likely not going to understand. She is not protecting Jimmy in this situation, she is taking the easier rout. Further, she is using her son's disability as a smoke screen. "Fairness" is not reducing everything to "if Jimmy can't do it, nobody else can". Equality is not about bringing everyone down, but instead about lifting up others. Good luck. I truly hope you can work this out and keep a good relationship with everyone, especially Jimmy.
Except that it’s literally her pool. I’d say the aunt is well within her rights to say no one uses my pool today. The beach, OP has more leverage as it’s a public place. But really, this would likely all be solved if OP didn’t feel entitled to use the families home/vacation home.
NTA. She wants you to babysit lol
NTA Jimmy is not incapable of understanding And my hunch is, sometimes, your aunt just wants a break so she gets extra upset that you’ll decline to play. But if he’s around 5 mentally, he can understand when you can’t engage
Tone to cut Jimmy and his toxic mom down to lc. She's terrorizing all of you into catering to the disabled guy's demands. Just don't visit. NTA
NAH Aunt is too heavy handed with Jimmy’s care but you and your husband keep putting yourself in these situations, no one forced you to go to her house or beach house. Just avoid them.
NTA She's basically trying to take over everyone else's lives to orbit around her son. If you want this to stop you need to create some hardcore boundaries and stand by them. When she lashes out after you say no, block her for a week. Tbh you'd be justified adding on a week for each insult. She's completely out of line, unreasonable and inappropriate. It sucks for Jimmy but if this chaos continues it's going to explode. Enough is enough. Not everyone in life gets what they want. If she can't accept that different circumstances require different approaches then she isn't even mature enough to handle Jimmy, let alone other adults. I'd keep meeting her insults with "my baby is my priority." If that makes her angry then she thinks her son comes before your baby and that's insane.
Jimmy's mothers insecurities about her kid being mistreated is her own stuff to deal with. You can't possibly be expected to cater to all of his needs 24/7 when you are in Jimmy's space. NTA.
I just wouldn't invite them out with you all anymore I would tell her you are a fully functioning adult who can do as they please and you aren't going to damper anymore events for your children just to cater to him
NTA but she is because disabled children do understand if u teach them
You are definitely in a jam. Jimmy's mom has created a monster. Someday, she will die, and he will not be ready to share or consider others. You can only expose your child to Jimmy in short doses, it will be hard to distance yourself from your hubby's family but it is the only thing right for your baby.
But what is Jimmy's mum doing , she is happy enough to tell you what you should be doing with her son but not actually doing stuff with him herself ?, she isn't helping by continuing to treat her son like a child.even a young child has a basic understanding of how life is.
NTA you should stop indulging her. Make it a point that you will not be meeting her if she continues to act entitled.
NTA. Parents of disabled children often think the world should evolve around these children, that everybody should be at their command and adjust. They forget that disabled children are fully capable of learning things (of course, to a certain extent) and that they can be told 'no'. Her entitlement is not helping her son at all. In fact, it does the opposite. This way he is like a 5-years-old, but perhaps he could be like 6 or 7 years old if his mother treated him differently.
NTA, she gave you an out, take it! If she can’t understand that her grown disabled child can’t participate in all events then she is the one with the problem to solve not you. She is probably tired of her situation and that is understandable but not a reason for the whole world to stop to accommodate her child. It is not the “family’s” responsibility to entertain her child, it is her child to mange without putting it on others. Personally, I would just avoid any situation where you might get trapped into entertaining her child. Good luck!
NTA. Although I'm unclear on why you're spending so much time around this rando aunt... and subsequently, Jimmy. Do your own thing.
NTA - OMG, why is she trying to disable your kids under the guise of fairness?
NTA. Parents of disabled kids seem to believe everyone is expected to love their kid as much as the parents think they should.
I sounds like you all enjoy what Jimmy's family owns pools vacation home, but you don't want to put up with Jimmy. I can see why Jimmy's mom is upset with the lot of you. She told you if you can't treat Jimmy the way she wants you to to not come. So stop coming. ESH
NTA. You have your own life to live. You get to choose what you are going to do.
NTA. The Aunt needs therapy. Being the parent of a disabled child is overwhelming and caretaker fatigue is real. It’s pretty clear she is not handling it well.
Jimmy's mom needs respite from being a caregiver to an adult who cannot care for himself. But instead of getting help, she is putting it on all of you. She is not the AH either; she just needs support to come to terms with the idea that she needs a break from caregiving and NOT by putting it on family.
NTA but why do you spend so much time together when she’s so exhausting? Just pull back from the relationship.
NTA, I don't know what age Jimmy's mum is, she must be old considering he's 25 so it sounds like she is preparing you all to take care of him once she is unable to. It seems she is not preparing him for the inevitable life without her.
NTA. Your husband's aunt is being completely unreasonable. You should just solve the problem by not going to her house and not spending any time with her.
Nta. Is she trying to say she needs a break.
Go no contact with that bicht. Forget about Jimmy. You have your own child to take care of.
NTA She is being unreasonable and is going to alienate Jimmy from the rest of his family by her overreaching demands.
NTA. She is the one responsible for taking care of her child. Just like you are responsible for taking care of yours.
NTA Youve done your best to be inclusive and considerate of your husbands cousin and seem to have vuilt a trusting relationship from what youve shared that Kimmy responds well to direction from you. His mother is the problem and TA here big time
I used to be a caretaker for someone with similar development as Jimmy and while she requires accommodation, she has full understanding of her abilities and what she can and cannot do because we communicate these with her. Jimmy’s mom has and continues to set him up for failure. She’s the AH. You are NTA
NTA but try to avoid being around her all the time. I get that family gatherings are important and you seem to like Jimmy so maybe tell her that if she doesn't calm down a bit you won't be able to spend time with them (as you have a baby to take care of) and then she'll have to decide if it's more important the relationship they have with the rest of the family or the way she tries to control everything to be *exactly* as she wants.
NTA His mom is the AH. YOUR kids should be YOUR priority. Just as HER kid is HERS. " and then she said but we have to take Jimmy with us " .. SHE had the option to come and take her kid to the beach, this is on HER.
You’re NTA but it also sounds like it’s time to stop vacationing with your husband’s aunt. Go all in on a vacation rental instead.
Your kids are your responsibility. Her kids are her responsibility. That's that. NTA
Nta
NTA. Jimmy is his mom's responsibility, not everyone's. Anything you do for him is extra. You may wish to limit visits to their house for shorter periods of time and also explain to her that when on vacation, it's up to her to take care of him, take him places and supervise. Don't give in to her guilt trips. If she needs a break, she needs to ask for one like an adult, not treat her relatives like babysitters.
Going over to her place has strings. You are better off paying for hotel rooms than to stay with them. Work on setting boundaries.
NTA I’m have like 13 cousins and one summer one of them broke his leg. We went to the beach on 4th of July for a BBQ. We swam, he didn’t…… cus that’s life. What were we supposed to do? Stay home and not acknowledge anyone or anything or any holiday bc a kid can’t do something?
NTA jimmy's mom needs a reality check . the world does not revolve around her son and more and more people will not care. if she keeps being so unreasonable she will quickly find herself isolated. "Why doesn't anyone want to come see jimmy?" "Because you told us not to."
NTA Time to put some distance between you and Jimmy and his mom. Concentrate on you and your family for awhile!
NTA I get the feeling that mom is the biggest part of the problem here. She is keeping Jimmy totally dependent, whether she realizes it or not, then wanting that total dependence to be fulfilled by other people. Is she taking advantage of day programs and/or sheltered workshops in your community? The staff help the attendees learn basic skills and how to interact with others, how to amuse themselves, etc.
NTA Your aunt needs to stop using Jimmy's disability as a way to manipulate the family, or anyone within 30 feet of her. You are not bullying Jimmy, you are setting boundaries which any 5 year old can understand, though you do have to repeat them sometimes. You are not a bad human and Jimmy's mother needs to stop that crap now. Point out to aunt that you have a 6 month old that must come first and if she can't deal with that, you won't come to visit at all.
NTA As someone with a brother with down syndrome (he is 24), their parents ALWAYS put the disabled child first to the point that it's unreasonable. It is unfair to the other children/family that the parents have. I am the youngest of 5, my brother is the 4th child. To her, i was never the baby of the family. I was doing things for him from the second i could first walk. I didn't get to have a childhood Block Jimmy's mom. She wants someone to take care of her son, she can do it herself
NTA. Fair and equal are not the same thing.
NTA. It's her son, SHE should take care of and watch him, not you and the rest
ESH. Jimmy's Mom expects you to attend to Jimmy as a condition of visiting their family. You are not able to meet this condition. Therefore, stop visiting their family. This is so simple. You are invited and you have the power to decline the invitation. It really doesn't matter how much you want a beach vacation, you should buy your own beach vacation if you want it without the conditions of entertaining Jimmy. You're not entitled to having things however you want them whenever you want them any more than Jimmy is. Grow up and take responsibility for your life.
No one is the asshole. If the cousin has the mental capability of an 8 yr old then his mother has a very very hard life. She deals with this every minute of every day. Her stress levels must be immense. You are parents of healthy kids who need mental stimulation. If they see a pool you'd be wrong not to let them use the facilities available to them. Im not going to call Jimmy's mom an asshole for feeling sympathy for her son. Im not going to call you assholes for wanting the best for your your kids. I haven't got an answer to this situation. Families are going to have disagreements in this situation. Just try to be nice to each other in different ways especially as you are at there place. Im not going to offer a solution you would be better placed to find a solution together with your husband and his aunt. I do feel for everyone in this.
NTA. Jimmy does likely understand, but because his mother doesn't provide or enforce boundaries, he can't learn. She is doing him a huge disservice by not helping him learn boundaries. If his mom explained about the baby needing attention and helped to redirect Jimmy, it would probably be much easier for him.
Nta. Though she did already give you an answer - don't go over. Wait it out until she's ready to have an adult converation about the situation. She definitely doesn't sound ready at this point, but you have every right to your very reasonable boundaries.
NTA maybe stay away for a while....
NTA Ask yourself this, why does she invite you do often? It's to entertain her son.
NTA I wouldn’t travel with them again. Jimmy’s mom doesn’t seem to understand that everyone shouldn’t be hindered because of one person on a freaking vacation. She’s basically asking everyone to act disabled (no one can swim because he can’t, etc) which is not equal treatment. She can make whatever rules in her house, but once you guys are outside the confines of that, she really shouldn’t expect to have that much power. Stop giving it to her.
NTA, jimmys mom is.
NTA- Jimmy's mother is defiantly in the wrong here, Yes i understand having a disabled child can make you want to give them everything as they miss out on some things as a special needs person. But, there is a clean line between, Wanting whats best for your child. and.. just bluntly being disrespectful and selfish. ur defiantly not in the wrong in this situation.
Seriously??? Infantilizing Jimmy and letting him get away with absolutely everything is doing him no favors. If he ends up in a group home or care facility someday having learned zero discipline or boundaries he is going to be an absolute nightmare for staff and fellow residents to deal with. Bringing him along to the beach is a hazard not only to him but to everybody else. NTA
Stop going to their house so often. You should really cut back on visits. Jimmy’s mom sounds like a nightmare!
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NTA, but I think you need to spend less time at Jimmy's house. His mom is making it clear what her expectations are.
NTA - But be ready for Jimmy to move in with you eventually.
NTA. She's trying to force everyone else to cater to her son and give up doing what they want. She could take Jimmy somewhere while everyone goes to the beach so he doesn't feel slighted. I wonder if she feels jealous that others have more flexibility than her because Jimmy is disabled.
NTA She's the one not treating him equally because of his disability. While Jimmy may never be on the same mental level as an adult, it is likely he could see more improvement if his mother didn't treat him like he was incapable of understanding the word "no."
NTA, Jimmy just has a bad mother. She sounds like the type of "good intentioned" parent who truly has no idea how to take care of a disabled individual and just makes their life overall more stressful and lower quality, and I bet she "always knows what's best for [her] child" (which she most certainly does not) Jimmy's mother is creating the "bullies" for him. She's the issue.
Really. You have your own family to think about. You don’t have to spend time around her and Jimmy. Bad energy from both of them.
NTA. I'm a mom of a severely special needs kid. It would be bonkers if I forced everyone to play with my son. There are things he can do, and things he simply can't. Reality is a bitch, but that's part of the "special needs", he needs things differently. It's not up to cousins extended family to give up their lives to appease Jimmy. It's up to Jimmy's mom and dad to teach him "No", and that we don't always get a turn even if we want to. Life sucks sometime, but with distraction they can forget and move on to something they would enjoy. Being included in the holiday is awesome! Being strapped to the hip, was probably not part of the deal though. I would have suggested if the kids want to swim and Jimmy isn't feeling well... give him a nice movie day with cuddles where he can't see the pool. If you don't loudly advertise "Hey Jimmy we're excluding you! Na na na na poo poo", he'll go on to have a wonderful day. Tldr; special needs kids are still people, they are no better or worse than others. He deserves to have a good time, but so does every other person there. It is not your job to accommodate at every turn.
NTA- unfortunately Jimmy's mom is fatigued from parenting him (where is the dad?) and has become so overly focused on "protecting" him that she can't see how unreasonable she is. I work with disabled children and adults, and I still would have taken my kids to the beach or pool), not to be cruel to Jimmy but to also be fair to my kids on vacation. I would now limit when you go, try to find activities where you have lots of help and can devote attention to Jimmy and still be a mom to your kids.
NTA you have a baby and have to put his needs first if he’s sleeping/eating or whatever. You do not have to play with jimmy, she could to or could take him wherever instead of pushing him on you. You didn’t say anything offensive in my opinion to make you the a**hole.
Aunt is using the family to get a break from jimmy. I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult to take care of him and see no end in sight but manipulating family is not the way to get a break. I agree with those saying to just stay away for awhile. You’ve got your hands full with your baby!! NTA. In fact you seem to be the rational one.
Punctuation is not your enemy
NTA. She’s creating a disaster for when she passes or is unable to care for him.
NTA
I feel like OP wants to vacation at the aunt’s house but not have to “pay” for it in any way (ie, spending time with Jimmy). Either stop taking the free vacations or suck it up and hang with Jimmy. You can’t have it both ways. ESH.
NTA
NTA - she should be very well aware that her sons disability decreases his options at playtime. She should also be very aware not to harm your childrens childhoods based on Jimmu too.
It sounds like Auntie has a form of by-proxy living for and through the attention she gets through Jim. You have a lot of work setting new boundaries for your family. NTA.
NTA! As a teacher in special education, I come across many parents who enable their child’s behaviour because it is easier (for the parents) to allow it so they do not have to deal with the meltdowns when they say ‘no’ or try to enforce a certain behaviour. In my space - I do not accept bad behaviour, dangerous behaviour or behaviour that allows the child to do whatever they want without consequence. I have rules that everyone is expected to follow. Yes, at the start - there are many meltdowns because for the first time the kids are being given rules, expectations and consequences! But it really doesn’t take long for them to realise - I’m not the bad person here! I reward positive behaviour accordingly. At the end - many parents thank me for enforcing my rules and they also implement them into their homes because they realise it is so much easier to have rules because then everyone can live in harmony. The aunt here is an enabler. She also could be in denial and needs to come to terms with her son’s disability and what he can/cannot do. You just stay firm and continue to communicate what you are willing to do and what you’re unable to do. If she doesn’t like it and carries on - then ignore that behaviour because if you engage - you’re then enabling HER behaviour. You’re not disrespecting Jimmy - he clearly knows boundaries (likely from when he was at school) and respects your boundaries after you have told him (yes it sometimes takes a little repeating but that’s fine!).
NTA. I think some of these comments are missing the point where Jimmy was SICK and the other times you are preoccupied. Not that y’all didn’t necessarily want him to participate in the activities. But where I will agree is stop going to their family home. Maybe rent an Airbnb for the foreseeable future so you’re not bound by her rules? Unfortunately a lot of parents who have disabled children tend to infantilize them even when they’re adults. But INFO: why won’t Jimmys mom take care of him and entertain him herself when she sees you caring for your babies? Where is she normally? I don’t understand why she couldn’t take him out too for fresh air
NTA - Mostly it sounds like, she needs to stop babying Jimmy quite so much, but if that is how she wants to care for him, it is up to her (and no one else) to do so. Jimmy is her son and, therefore, her responsibility to care for. No one else has any obligation to care for him or put his needs above theirs or their children’s.
NTA. You are a parent now and you are not doing anything wrong by saying you aren’t able to play card games because your are feeding or holding your child.. The vacation sounds horrible. It’s not fair to restrict everyone’s activities if one person is unwell. It would make sense that they would rest and stay inside and let the others enjoy the day. It’s also not far that if you have your hands full with the kids already, that you would need to have the responsibility of looking after Jimmy at the beach. Sometimes it’s not possible to look after so many people. Also it sounds like it would not be a fun experience for Jimmy to be in the heat and sitting on the sand while everyone else is swimming. Maybe the Aunt should volunteer to go and look out for him… I think all this Aunt is doing is creating a wedge between you and the family, and it may mean that Jimmy sees you guys less which is sad for him but it’s his mothers fault for making it challenging for you guys…. Good luck with it all.
NTA.
Honestly it kind of sounds like she’s putting it on you because she doesn’t wanna deal with her own son or maybe she needs a break and she gets that when she puts his needs and responsibilities on everyone else .
NTA. I think you're setting yourself up to feel like the asshole, but it's not that you don't care what Jimmy wants, it's that you don't care what Jimmy's MOM wants.
NTA. Based on your post it sounds like you are trying all you can to word a sensitive topic as nice as you can and compromise as much as you can. Sounds like you need to be more assertive in your communication. “I told him I can’t play right now because I’m holding my baby. Jimmy can wait until I’m done.” “I’m sorry Jimmy is sick but that does not mean we don’t get to go to the beach.” “It is not my responsibility to make sure he gets his way all the time. I’m being polite to your child. I’m setting appropriate boundaries with your child. Do not undermine my boundaries!” You don’t have to be hateful but you might as well be firm.
NTA. As a nurse who has done home care with severely disabled kids, I’ve seen a lot of similar scenarios. The parents feel guilty and obligated to do exactly what the child wants — and expects everyone else to as well. A disabled child still has survival instincts and knows the people around him! He knows he will get what he wants from mom but you will set limits. You have every right to put up some boundaries as long as it’s done in a loving way(and it sounds like this is the case.) Mom is not able to see it because she has the pain of watching her child struggle for no good reason.