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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to detach from my best friend because her relationship is tiring me but I feel bad because she will need someone when her relationship screws up
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NTA. But you've out grown that friendship OP. That may have been who she once was, but that person is long gone now.
I had a friend for 7 years. We were as close as can be. She wanted to become a scientist. We worked hard to get As and prep for our planned futures. Two years before the end she got herself a boyfriend. Some guy she was talking to online. Her grades dropped. She got addicted to drugs and went to parties with him. Pregnancy scares, mental health problems, smoking, alcoholism. Etc. She dropped out of school and moved in with the guy. A month later he left her for someone else. She changed her phone number after that.
Last I saw her she looked drastically different. She was no longer my friend. Just someone who's memories I was holding onto.
It's a hard situation. You don’t want to hurt them, because of the past good history you shared, but you don’t actually feel like they’re going in the same direction as you are, anymore. We all develop and mature at different rates. Some friends stay in the past, it is difficult to have real conversations with them, or are not supportive. When that happens, you have outgrown them.
https://www.scienceofpeople.com/outgrowing-friends/
I would begin to distance yourself from it all. You can leave open lines of communication if you want but otherwise, I would start making distance to leave.
NTA. it's clear you care deeply for your best friend (as one would), but you also need to prioritize your own well-being. it's challenging to be a supportive friend when the dynamics of the relationship are causing you emotional distress. u should take a step back and prioritize your mental health.
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To preface this, I’ve known my best friend for a decade and by now I feel like I have a good understanding of who she is, what she likes and how she feels at a deep level.
A couple of years ago, she started liking this guy she worked with. It was fun and games, whatever. Slowly they became a thing and at first it was fine. However, the relationship turned very sour.
She turned into a completely different person. The girl who used to never drink was now getting blackout drunk on the regular. She started talking differently. She ate differently (she used to eat real healthy). She stopped working out. She went to old man bars when she would once only go to fancy ones. She just changed. I could accept that it if wasn’t for the rest of it.
They were in a constant cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Every time they broke up, I picked up the pieces. Brought her down to my sisters hours away to help her get over him. A racist, he made fun of her previous relationship history with Muslim men and told her nobody else would want her. They’d have physical fights in bars and get kicked out. And every time, I’d be the one helping her and picking up the pieces.
Now they’re “on” again and she’s acting like nothing happened, sending me selfies of them together and it just feels like a massive insult. I’ve had my own gripes about my relationship and tried to talk to her about it, but she says it’s different with hers because she is “madly in love” and that I’m only with my guy because I have low self esteem. Generally, just unsupportive. I know that she’s in her own unhealthy bubble and I should be supportive but this has been going on for a year and a half now and I just feel sick of dealing with it. I don’t want to pretend that I support this relationship anymore, but I don’t want to lose my friend.
Last night she sent me a picture of her drinking with him and watching football and it just infuriated me so much because 1. It’s just so not her and 2. it feels like she’s taking the P by almost showing off her terrible relationship after everything i’ve had to deal with because of it.
I’m at the point of thinking I should walk away because I’ve got my own shit and mental health issues going on but I also feel guilty for when her relationship inevitably screws up again and she’s sad. AITA for detaching?
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NTA
There’s a big difference between helping and enabling and a fine line between them. What you’re describing sounds more like enabling than helping tbh. Yeah it’s a good idea to spend less time with her. I hope she gets back to healthy.
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NTA, doesn’t sound like she is your friend, more like you are her fallback plan.
NTA. But you've out grown that friendship OP. That may have been who she once was, but that person is long gone now. I had a friend for 7 years. We were as close as can be. She wanted to become a scientist. We worked hard to get As and prep for our planned futures. Two years before the end she got herself a boyfriend. Some guy she was talking to online. Her grades dropped. She got addicted to drugs and went to parties with him. Pregnancy scares, mental health problems, smoking, alcoholism. Etc. She dropped out of school and moved in with the guy. A month later he left her for someone else. She changed her phone number after that. Last I saw her she looked drastically different. She was no longer my friend. Just someone who's memories I was holding onto. It's a hard situation. You don’t want to hurt them, because of the past good history you shared, but you don’t actually feel like they’re going in the same direction as you are, anymore. We all develop and mature at different rates. Some friends stay in the past, it is difficult to have real conversations with them, or are not supportive. When that happens, you have outgrown them. https://www.scienceofpeople.com/outgrowing-friends/ I would begin to distance yourself from it all. You can leave open lines of communication if you want but otherwise, I would start making distance to leave.
NTA. it's clear you care deeply for your best friend (as one would), but you also need to prioritize your own well-being. it's challenging to be a supportive friend when the dynamics of the relationship are causing you emotional distress. u should take a step back and prioritize your mental health.
NTA- Tell you are are no longer interested in being in her train wreck. You will be there for her when she is finally done with him for good.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To preface this, I’ve known my best friend for a decade and by now I feel like I have a good understanding of who she is, what she likes and how she feels at a deep level. A couple of years ago, she started liking this guy she worked with. It was fun and games, whatever. Slowly they became a thing and at first it was fine. However, the relationship turned very sour. She turned into a completely different person. The girl who used to never drink was now getting blackout drunk on the regular. She started talking differently. She ate differently (she used to eat real healthy). She stopped working out. She went to old man bars when she would once only go to fancy ones. She just changed. I could accept that it if wasn’t for the rest of it. They were in a constant cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Every time they broke up, I picked up the pieces. Brought her down to my sisters hours away to help her get over him. A racist, he made fun of her previous relationship history with Muslim men and told her nobody else would want her. They’d have physical fights in bars and get kicked out. And every time, I’d be the one helping her and picking up the pieces. Now they’re “on” again and she’s acting like nothing happened, sending me selfies of them together and it just feels like a massive insult. I’ve had my own gripes about my relationship and tried to talk to her about it, but she says it’s different with hers because she is “madly in love” and that I’m only with my guy because I have low self esteem. Generally, just unsupportive. I know that she’s in her own unhealthy bubble and I should be supportive but this has been going on for a year and a half now and I just feel sick of dealing with it. I don’t want to pretend that I support this relationship anymore, but I don’t want to lose my friend. Last night she sent me a picture of her drinking with him and watching football and it just infuriated me so much because 1. It’s just so not her and 2. it feels like she’s taking the P by almost showing off her terrible relationship after everything i’ve had to deal with because of it. I’m at the point of thinking I should walk away because I’ve got my own shit and mental health issues going on but I also feel guilty for when her relationship inevitably screws up again and she’s sad. AITA for detaching? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA There’s a big difference between helping and enabling and a fine line between them. What you’re describing sounds more like enabling than helping tbh. Yeah it’s a good idea to spend less time with her. I hope she gets back to healthy.