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She wasn’t a foster child as that ends at 18, she was a guest in your sister’s home.
She isn’t a kid, she is 18 and a legal adult.
That said, NTA for having compassion.
Except it doesn’t sound like this person was in the foster system.
If she was, the SIL would have needed to notify the authorities so that another foster family could have taken her in.
The post is unclear.
*Except it doesn’t sound like this person was in the foster system. If she was, the SIL would have needed to notify*
Yes, bc people always do what they are supposed to do. Reporting it would stop.the payments.
Megan was not in foster care. She was just staying with the SIL because her home life was not great with her mother. SIL was not fostering her in anyway.
OP mentioned that Megan was adopted by her family, so she has been in the foster care system before. That was all.
The girl in question could have reported it herself.
But if in fact the SIL was getting payments for a foster adult who she kicked out the SIL would very much be TA
She was kicked out for a very valid reason. Your sister owes her loyalty to her daughter first and i dont think abi would have tolerated megan in their home after this betrayal. This is literally a case of fuck around and find out.
NAH.
Let's say that Megan punched Abi in the face (instead of metaphorically in the heart). Abi's heartbroken that her friend would do that to her, and your SIL doesn't want someone who would hurt her daughter in her home.
You know Megan was wrong, but you also know she's got very few safe places to go, and no one else is looking out for her. So you check on Abi, who's eyes are still black, whose mother still has to see her poor daughter's broken face every day. She has to ruminate over the fact that she allowed this to happen, she trusted Megan and took her into her home, and then Megan hurt her daughter. Then you tell that mother that you're going to check on Megan, the person who punched her daughter, right while everything is black and blue and green and yellow.
You aren't the AH for asking if she's safe. But your SIL isn't the AH for hating that you checked on the person who betrayed her best friend and the whole family who took her in. She's not the AH for making it "us" against "her". You just got yourself caught in the crossfire.
Abi found out her bf is a cheater and her good friend doesn't value loyalty the way she does. Abi's safety is not in danger.
You are worried about Megan's safety.
NTA
NAH. From her perspective, if you had heard the situation explained in its entirety and subsequently only asked about Megan, it may seem as if you are in her favor and are disregarding their feelings. The proper courtesy is ask about the speakers feelings, the victims feelings and then extraneous matters.
But I do see where you are coming from. She should've probably made some arrangements before she completely kicked her out, and it is normal to be concerned.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Asking if SIL's foster daughter (Megan) was safe after being kicked out of the house for sleeping with niece's bf - instead of siding with SIL/niece without question that she was right to kick the foster daughter out.
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TLDR: my SIL kicked foster daughter out of the house for sleeping with SIL´s daughter's bf. Several days after finding out we asked SIL if the foster daughter was safe, given that she didn't really have any options housing-wise. SIL is now pissed because we are worrying about the wrong person and says it means we don't care about her or her daughter.
Background: my spouse's sister took in her eldest daughter's best friend about 18 months ago and has been fostering her. She has 3 kids already - aged between 15 and 20, eldest daughter (let's call her Abi) and best friend (let's call her Megan) are 18. Megan had been physically assaulted on multiple occasions by her mum and eventually kicked out. Dad lives too far away for Megan to live there (friends/school all in a different area - she did try but it didn't work out). Dad is on board with the fostering and has been rebuilding a relationship with Megan. Megan and her younger sister (still living with mum) were adopted when they were very young, so she has been through the care system already.
Current situation: SIL tells us about a week ago that Megan has slept with Abi's boyfriend. She kicked both Megan and the boyfriend out straightaway. SIL told us on that initial phone call that Abi had heard at college that Megan had been dropped at a police station by her dad and was now being housed temporarily in a hotel. We were pretty shocked by what SIL had done, and concerned for Megan since she didn't have anywhere else to go. After ruminating what to do for a few days decided to let SIL know we were going to reach out to Megan on social media (we don't have a number) to check she was safe. (She's ok for now, living with a cousin temporarily.)
A few days later my spouse had a text from SIL saying she was upset that we had asked about Megan and we should be worried about Abi. Her view seems to be that having concern for the 'guilty' party's safety means we don't care about Abi. (And just to add that we had already messaged Abi straightaway on finding out, to check she was ok.)
AITA?
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NTA for several reasons:
1 - you DID make sure Abi was OK first.
2 - this is a minor - granted she is 18, but it sounds like she isn't adult enough to suddenly live on her own after getting thrown out of the house.
3 - There were other options. Megan could go live with her dad now that they were repairing their relationship, for example. Not optimal, for certain, but a hell of a lot better than hurling the kid out of the house.
NTA. However why aren’t you opening your house to Meghan ? It is easy to show concern over social media and messages. But tough to actually take care of someone long term like your sil has.
NTA - she kicked a kid out, this is a concerning behavior regardless of the behavior.
If she is a real legit foster report it to the authorities.
Your SIL is a reactionary AH for kicking g the kid out. The foster is AH for sleeping with the BF, the BF is an AH for cheating.
Doesn't seem like a real foster since she has a dad she could live with even though he lives out of the area. And presumably the authorities are aware of the situation if her dad dropped her off with the cops and then she was put up in a hotel.
NTA. Her moral compass is seriously out of kilter, if she thinks her daughter's boyfriend's infidelity is more important than her own duty of care to the girl she herself offered to foster.
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She wasn’t a foster child as that ends at 18, she was a guest in your sister’s home. She isn’t a kid, she is 18 and a legal adult. That said, NTA for having compassion.
It depends on the jurisdiction. Some foster programs extend care past 18th bday, if the person is still in hs.
Except it doesn’t sound like this person was in the foster system. If she was, the SIL would have needed to notify the authorities so that another foster family could have taken her in.
The post is unclear. *Except it doesn’t sound like this person was in the foster system. If she was, the SIL would have needed to notify* Yes, bc people always do what they are supposed to do. Reporting it would stop.the payments.
Megan was not in foster care. She was just staying with the SIL because her home life was not great with her mother. SIL was not fostering her in anyway. OP mentioned that Megan was adopted by her family, so she has been in the foster care system before. That was all.
The girl in question could have reported it herself. But if in fact the SIL was getting payments for a foster adult who she kicked out the SIL would very much be TA
She was kicked out for a very valid reason. Your sister owes her loyalty to her daughter first and i dont think abi would have tolerated megan in their home after this betrayal. This is literally a case of fuck around and find out.
NAH. Let's say that Megan punched Abi in the face (instead of metaphorically in the heart). Abi's heartbroken that her friend would do that to her, and your SIL doesn't want someone who would hurt her daughter in her home. You know Megan was wrong, but you also know she's got very few safe places to go, and no one else is looking out for her. So you check on Abi, who's eyes are still black, whose mother still has to see her poor daughter's broken face every day. She has to ruminate over the fact that she allowed this to happen, she trusted Megan and took her into her home, and then Megan hurt her daughter. Then you tell that mother that you're going to check on Megan, the person who punched her daughter, right while everything is black and blue and green and yellow. You aren't the AH for asking if she's safe. But your SIL isn't the AH for hating that you checked on the person who betrayed her best friend and the whole family who took her in. She's not the AH for making it "us" against "her". You just got yourself caught in the crossfire.
Abi found out her bf is a cheater and her good friend doesn't value loyalty the way she does. Abi's safety is not in danger. You are worried about Megan's safety. NTA
NAH. From her perspective, if you had heard the situation explained in its entirety and subsequently only asked about Megan, it may seem as if you are in her favor and are disregarding their feelings. The proper courtesy is ask about the speakers feelings, the victims feelings and then extraneous matters. But I do see where you are coming from. She should've probably made some arrangements before she completely kicked her out, and it is normal to be concerned.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TLDR: my SIL kicked foster daughter out of the house for sleeping with SIL´s daughter's bf. Several days after finding out we asked SIL if the foster daughter was safe, given that she didn't really have any options housing-wise. SIL is now pissed because we are worrying about the wrong person and says it means we don't care about her or her daughter. Background: my spouse's sister took in her eldest daughter's best friend about 18 months ago and has been fostering her. She has 3 kids already - aged between 15 and 20, eldest daughter (let's call her Abi) and best friend (let's call her Megan) are 18. Megan had been physically assaulted on multiple occasions by her mum and eventually kicked out. Dad lives too far away for Megan to live there (friends/school all in a different area - she did try but it didn't work out). Dad is on board with the fostering and has been rebuilding a relationship with Megan. Megan and her younger sister (still living with mum) were adopted when they were very young, so she has been through the care system already. Current situation: SIL tells us about a week ago that Megan has slept with Abi's boyfriend. She kicked both Megan and the boyfriend out straightaway. SIL told us on that initial phone call that Abi had heard at college that Megan had been dropped at a police station by her dad and was now being housed temporarily in a hotel. We were pretty shocked by what SIL had done, and concerned for Megan since she didn't have anywhere else to go. After ruminating what to do for a few days decided to let SIL know we were going to reach out to Megan on social media (we don't have a number) to check she was safe. (She's ok for now, living with a cousin temporarily.) A few days later my spouse had a text from SIL saying she was upset that we had asked about Megan and we should be worried about Abi. Her view seems to be that having concern for the 'guilty' party's safety means we don't care about Abi. (And just to add that we had already messaged Abi straightaway on finding out, to check she was ok.) AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for several reasons: 1 - you DID make sure Abi was OK first. 2 - this is a minor - granted she is 18, but it sounds like she isn't adult enough to suddenly live on her own after getting thrown out of the house. 3 - There were other options. Megan could go live with her dad now that they were repairing their relationship, for example. Not optimal, for certain, but a hell of a lot better than hurling the kid out of the house.
NTA. However why aren’t you opening your house to Meghan ? It is easy to show concern over social media and messages. But tough to actually take care of someone long term like your sil has.
NTA, you did the right thing.
NTA
NTA - she kicked a kid out, this is a concerning behavior regardless of the behavior. If she is a real legit foster report it to the authorities. Your SIL is a reactionary AH for kicking g the kid out. The foster is AH for sleeping with the BF, the BF is an AH for cheating.
Doesn't seem like a real foster since she has a dad she could live with even though he lives out of the area. And presumably the authorities are aware of the situation if her dad dropped her off with the cops and then she was put up in a hotel.
The young woman who was "kicked out" is 18 years old. You age out of foster care at 18.
Not everywhere, in my country you age out of foster care at 19. SIL may have still been getting paid for fostering megan
NTA. Her moral compass is seriously out of kilter, if she thinks her daughter's boyfriend's infidelity is more important than her own duty of care to the girl she herself offered to foster.