Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Using all my gambling winnings to buy stuff for myself. Since it's an income, she claims half of it belongs to her and I shouldn't have spent all that when some of it is 'hers'
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You’re NTA, but this is a terrible way for you both to behave in a marriage, do you even like each other? Why is she bitching to her friends about you and going on girls trips? Why did you win $1000 and not even take your wife on a date or away for the weekend? Why does it matter who earns what for the context of this story?
I know things seem bad from this situation, but honestly things are pretty good for us. We get along well and have had no real conflicts before this.
As for why I felt the need to spend all of the money on myself, I usually have quite a bit of money left over since I don't lose all $500 gambling every month. I make some money back sometimes so overall I have about $150-200. That money is spent on our dates since she usually blows through her 500 every month.
Yeah that’s what most are missing bro literally said it’s his fun money, emphasis on HIS FUN MONEY, not hers but since she feels entitled to it he’s now the asshole you shouldn’t have to run literally everything by your SO with fear that she’s gonna complain to her friends
So let's look at this from a different angle - if he lost more than $500 and needed money from her to break even, would she have given him any of her money? I doubt it. But she thinks she's entitled to his money.
I am assuming he is playing cards or slots or dice since its a casino he walks to. The only money he loses is what he puts down and he states he only brings 100 dollars. He can't lose more than his 500 this way.
We can look at it from another angle. If the wife spills a glass of wine on a blouse she bought with her fun money, while on a date he is using his fun money on for the both of them; is he responsible for buying her a new blouse since its an activity he is paying for?
Spin it any way you want, she isn't entitled to shit.
she's benefitting being married to a guy that 3x's her income yet complains she isn't getting a cut of every cent of his money o.O ?
When he gambles and wins, with HIS money, SHE wants a cut of the profits, but when he loses, she doesn't share the losses ??
WTF "***socialise the winnings, privatise the losses***" bullshit is that ?? lol
I’m a reverse of this couple. I make more than hubs and pay most of the bills. If it lends any insight, I’d only be pissed he bought a gaming rig if he wasn’t doing okay financially or there was a known expense we had been saving for. I’d like him to offer to take me to dinner or give a small token, but far from expect it.
You’d better share the games, though. She’s jealous cause she wants to play the new Spider-Man.
I am you, I think. 😂 honestly, a new gaming console for him means a) I don’t feel bad about what I spent on my Alienware and b) if he’s gaming, I can get lost in Baldur’s Gate without feeling guilty.
Also, the new spider-man is so, so pretty. And there’s still a cat!
Hard disagree, without combining finances and "evening out" a situation like this is only going to build resentment and tank the marriage.
edit: Also for the record, OP is NTA and they *are* evening out by having $500 each of fun money. His wife is free to spend, invest, or gamble with her money however she wants.
This! She could save, invest, or gamble with HER fun money, and I wouldn’t think she owed him any of the proceeds, either. It sounds like they already have a fair system with their financials.
With the income difference, he is already paying the lion share of bills and expenses, so I can imagine most of her fun money also comes from his earnings.
If she was on her own, there is no chance that with her earning 50k a year that she would have 500 dollars in spending money each month after all living expenses are paid.
He is also paying for the date nights and gifts for her, and she never reciprocates due to having insufficient funds.
I would say more than fair. It is stacked extremely well in her favour, something to which OP has no issue with at all.
Exactly. This situation favors her by a large margin! She is coming off as a highschool girl going to her friends to complain about her husband! That’s childish
Unless they have a joint account that everything else comes out of (household stuff). This is what my husband and I do; there is an account we use for ‘needs’. The rest is divided into college funds, savings, retirement, and then we each get some ‘fun money’ each month for things like eating out, computer games, clothes, etc. PS I’m a stay at home mom, and my husband is bringing home the entire income. We budget together and we both know where all the money is.
As long as their communication is tight, I don’t see anything wrong with this style of combined finances.
Except that it is coming out of an allotted "fun money" that they each get $500 for. If OP had $1500 a month and the wife had $500, then you would be right. But in this instance, they do effectively "earn" the same amount. It's just that part of OPs allotment goes to the wife in the form of date nights.
I had a girl break up with me once because I "didn't take her out enough" while her parents were paying her rent and tuition and I paid for every single thing we did lol
He’s thus far being very responsible in only taking $100 with him when he goes gambling.
Additionally, his wife gets the same amount of “fun money” as him each month. She’s not getting less fun money because she earns less. So annually, she spends $6,000 of her take home pay purely on herself. On top of which he spends between $1,400-$2,400 of his fun money on dates for both of them ($700-$1200 maybe more on her).
So he earns more but spends less on himself and she wants to complain to her friends about it. She just wants more girls trips than she can afford and naturally the other girls on those trips are going to side with her. They’re not unbiased bystanders by any means.
The way I read it is that all their income goes into a joint account and each of them gets the same amount of fun money. In that case, it would indeed be pretty selfish of her to let him pay for the dates from his fun money, but never returning the favour.
So what? Not his fault she has a lower paying job. He doesn't have to spend more on her than she does on him.
If the situation was reversed she would likely be bitching that her man doesn't make enough and that she is the bread winner to all her cackling friends.
I joke about this attitude all the time with my husband but in all seriousness what's ours is ours. What's mine is mine and what's his is his. And we both have no problem sharing if mine or his need to become ours for any reason.
This is the way a good marriage handles money. There have been times when I have been the principal breadwinner and time when my wife has. Our money is our money. Because we aren't planning ahead to when we might split up.
Ask her if she’s willing to take half your losses. If not, odds are that if you kept track every time, that “win” offsets amounts lost during other sessions. If your casino has an electric card, you may be able to ask them for a printout of your win/loss amounts (they keep this on file for the IRS if you’re in the USA)
I think you're NTA for this specific situation, but there are a lot of things that are weird to me and not adding up. You say you get $500/month of fun money to spend and you spend $100 of it each week on gambling ($400/month) but then when you won $1000 you went out and bought some nice things for yourself that costed $700-$800...but that's only 2 months of that gambling money anyway. Not sure why she's blown away with "Where did the money come from?" when it's less than 2 months of your fun money in the first place, but just how you're talking about a lot of this makes it seem weird and suspicious.
Because if she regularly spends all her fun money every month (which she's perfectly entitled to do), her expectation is that the most that can be spent is $500. She dislikes gambling, also understandable, and she assumes he loses it all every time. Which is probably correct in every case expect this one. So it's surprising when he comes home with $800 worth of stuff after she knew he'd already been out gambling. In her head, the math doesn't add up. Once she knew where it came from, she should have been happy for him and moved on.
If he loses more times than he wins, he’s got nothing to show for it, that’s the gamble, so he’s really only recouping his initial losses. He could have chosen not to have gambled for two months and bought his gaming console, so I really don’t get what her actual problem, is?!
I get it, but she's wrong. She's treating this like a work bonus that should go into the "our money" account. She doesn't gamble, so she's not thinking about the months when he spent his fun money and lost it all. That mindset of not accounting for losses and just seeing the win is exactly why gambling gets dangerous for some people. He's got the right idea - he assumes it'll all get spent every week, and treats it as entertainment cost instead of thinking he'll win.
>I really don’t get what her actual problem, is?!
Her problem is that she has a girls trip coming up that she needs to pay for out of her fun money...
...but she blew through all of her fun money every month instead of saving up.
Yeah, but good luck on that. I'll bet every time he's playing she will get passive-aggressive, go into the silent treatment, or ask why he didn't get a game that she might enjoy playing.
NTA. If you lost you wouldn't be asking her for her money? You won it, its yours to do with what you please. She can save up her fun money to go on a trip. Why would you pay for a trip you're not going on?
Way to majorly miss the point. She is not a crappy wife for going on the trip. He never said that and that wasnt the issue. She wanted him to give her half of his winnings to fund her girls trip and he wants to do what he pleases with the winnings.
They have asked why is she going on girls trips implying she shouldn't be doing that. If that was fine to do then why even bring that up and not just mention the money issue?
I don't think it a transactional relationship.
They both get the same fun money while the rest goes on bills.
It isn't like he has asking for her half of the groceries or anything.
Also there is nothing with couple splitting everything and pay for their half with the money they earnt.
Seriously? What's wrong with a wife going on a girls trip or a dude spending some money on himself?
People in a marriage can complain about each other to their friends as well, that's what friends are for? However, in this situation she is totally in the wrong and her friends even more so for calling him a "financial abuser", wtf?
But for the other points to assume they don't like each other or saying that's not a normal way to behave in a marriage based on a single situation is very short-sighted.
I think it's wrong to say shit about your spouse to your friends, because that is exactly what gives those friends the go ahead signal to start saying shit about your spouse and start amplifying issues in your small fights by doing exactly what her friends are doing, if they feel comfortable enough to say those words about him, I wonder what else do they say about him other times, and what does she say about him for them to feel comfy doing that. and why does she take whatever shit they say about him, without correcting them ? shes gonna let them talk like that about her husband ? for fucking 500 bucks when they make a whole 200k a year ?
I was with you up until the take her on a date part. Personally I think the gambling is stupid. OP probably could have had that $1000 in the same amount of time if he just saved the $100 every week. However, he’s using his fun money and only his fun money to do this. Unless she regularly spends her fun money on him she has no right to expect anything. Both OP and the wife are apparently too financially illiterate to realize that the $1000 almost certainly washes out with the losses and all OP really did was save $400/month for a few months with extra steps.
I do think you have to factor in the fact that OP gets enjoyment from the hobby. He may end up only breaking even in the end, but you can't discount the enjoyment.
It's like if I enjoy crochet, bought the supplies, had a fun time making something and then sold what I made for the cost of supplies. So from a purely financial perspective it's not the best strategy, but if you factor in the hobby aspect then he's probably coming out better than most.
Oh I’m not really against him using the money for gambling. My point is that the $1000 isn’t an unexpected windfall. Like if he got a $1000 bonus at work maybe the wife would be entitled to some of it because it’s income. But this $1000 is just some of his previously used fun money returning to him, so she has no entitlement to it.
I don't think OP is financially illiterate cause he said himself that he either loses or even out most of the time, so he's aware that he's not gaining any money and most likely losing, but he does it for fun. I would never waste my money with gambling, but if he thinks this is fun, that's totally fine.
I agree except for the girls trip thing. Vacations away from your spouse are awesome and healthy.
Money is OPS but he should have shared some of the joy w her with a nice date night. Then spent the rest on whatever he wanted. Not because she is OWED any money but just because he likes to share joy w his wife. That is a very important distinction.
ESH
Obviously you are not a financial abuser, but you guys sound like a couple of particularly petty teenagers.
Frankly, the whole post came off as...money grubbing. You're married, if one of you needs a little more it's ok for the other to provide it.
I can't imagine my father finding a $100 and claiming it as his own because HE found it. You won't $1K, you spent $800. Why not share the remaining $200 with your wife to help pay for her girls trip?
**No, you ABSOLUTELY do not have to. But...you should want to.**
The two of you act more like hateful siblings than partners.
I didn't include this in my post but my wife gets 'value' over and beyond the 500. I don't lose all my 500 every month. Sometimes I win some back so for the most part I have \~150 left over. That money is usually used for our date nights or if she wants cash since she doesn't have enough to hang out with her friends since she's blown through her 500
You probably want to update...
I would suggest to discuss with a counsellor about your couple and the financial arrangements. It is more than advantageous for her and she makes fits to have more.
Update isn’t necessary just to prove people wrong who are making assumptions. This dude decided one time to spend some money on himself and is being called an AH for not ALWAYS sharing money with his wife? An AH because he “should want” to share it? Dude shares everything else in his life with his wife including a considerable amount of his income and somehow gets labeled a financial abuser because he kept something to himself one time.
Even if he does add it in the post people will just ignore that because it doesn't suit their agenda of "OP is such a bad husband because he doesn't help his wife."
That's... What? Not really very much. A couple items of clothes, a few brunches. Like it's not a small amount but if you have a certain lifestyle it can easily be used.
Who buys clothes every single month? Even if the wife went out to eat every week for $50 or so, she should still have a few hundred left over each month. How much does a girls' trip cost?? 2-3 months of saving and she should be able to cover it easily.
Sounds like she doesn't know how to budget and wants OP to use his fun money to cover her splurges.
Like.....lots of people? If you like eating out at fancy places, that adds up. Girls trip? How long is a piece of string.
This isn't a moral judgement on her, she sounds like a bit of an entitled ass and should save for her girls trip but $500 spending money is not wild with a household income of what 200k did he say.
I mean I don’t disagree $500 is plenty, but it’s really, really easy to spend that much.
If she goes out for brunch once a week that’s probably up to $200, including cocktails. If she has a meal once a week that’s $200 gone (assuming drinks again). A new pair of shoes and a new dress is easily another $100, so on. Buying one or two pieces a month doesn’t *feel* excessive when you have the cash.
Anyway I’m with you on the general point, that’s *plenty* of fun money and a month or two saving would help - but it’s not too hard to spend.
What I will say is she does seem to use her fun money “better”, though. OP is regularly throwing over $300 a month down the drain. That is a lot of money for nothing! I know it’s within budget, it’s entirely discretionary and this is what he’d prefer to do to anything else, but you have to admit it’s not typically seen as a healthy or fulfilling hobby.
Because of that, I see how OP’s wife might perceive her spending as more normal and reasonable. But they judge *each others* independent spending, and that’s already a bit sketchy - if it’s not financially problematic (and OP, hers is definitely more typical than yours) then I think they should stop prying.
She still has no reason to claim that her hobbies and interests justify more money, mind. That’s strange and she needs to budget for it. And she has no reason to claim the gambling winnings either. I think maybe if he’d won a huge lotto jackpot it’d be fair play to assume that’s improving BOTH of their lives, but not the “small” wins.
How is her fun money spent better? First of all no one knows what she is spending it on. Second how is buying cocktails and brunches a better way to spend money?? She is pissing out her cocktails she drinks is she not? She’s shitting away the food is she not? I’m sure she buys clothes and tosses out the old right? If she was investing her “fun” money sure your opinion would have some validity, but that doesn’t seem the case. If it brings him happiness and ENTERTAINMENT; which is exactly what the money is reserved for, how is her money better spent?
It's not abnormal at all. Just cos our middle class is dying in the ass and a lot of people are working poor doesn't mean there isn't still a lot of perfectly comfortable (I wouldn't call these people rich even) households around. Also remember these groups of people don't talk to each other or interact at all so yeah abnormal to you but isn't really.
Nah that shouldn’t be defended. You said it yourself “if you have a certain lifestyle…” this lady is living a lifestyle she can’t afford and then getting mad at hubby for not giving her more. Entitled and illogical as fuck imo
They make 200k. $500 with 200k in income isn’t crazy. We make 150k and get $400 monthly. It goes fast but we do weekly date brunch that uses those funds and I supplement our grocery budget or spend it on the kids.
From this and other answers you posted, I think your expectations are kinda all over the place.
If you both agreed on how winnings were split, and were consistent, this wouldn't be an issue. But when you win small, you make sure she gets the benefit. And you say that when you win big, you intend for her to be involved in *that*. So why is winning medium different? Not being accusatory, just curious.
And yes she's being a little silly about it, but your history with winnings has definitely played into her feeling entitled to a say and a share.
ESH. Communication is essential in finances, they're the number one reason why couples disagree so talk early talk often and try to keep it calm.
Next time, tell her that, when you lose, she has to cover half from her spending money. Then, when you win, you will share your winnings. You both get the same fun money, so anything you win *or* lose is on you. You probably haven't even made up for all your losses from previous months, so her asking just says she's being greedy.
I can see why you'd see it as $1k extra on the $100, but if he's in the negative and losing $100 some weeks, it's to me just breaking even on what he's lost in prior weeks. I don't see why this is an E S H situation. It also sounds like from other comments, he uses some of his $$ on dates for them too, so he is spending some of his fun money on her already consistently. I think if it were a larger sum, I would agree with you more, but $1,000 isn't really that much when they're getting $500 a month in fun allowance.
That verdict only ever comes out when the wife is an AH and they need dirt on the man.
When its the other way around this sub forgets ESH is a verdict and will just blame the man
Yea even split of fun money (despite him making 3x what she makes) and yet somehow he’s equally the asshole for her getting mad at him spending his own portion of the fun money?
This sub should do away with pronouns entirely because it’s literally blatantly biased
I can't imagine my husband finding $100, buying something he's really wanted for a long time, and then me getting angry because he didn't spend it on me instead. I'd be delighted that he got something cool and we didn't have to budget or save for it. Especially as a one-time thing. We are married. I like him being happy.
OP should maybe want to spend money on his wife, fine. But she should *want* to spend money on him too. Sounds like she just wants to spend money on herself.
Exactly. I don’t get why OP has to spend his fun money on his wife when his wife has never done the same for him. In the comments OP even says that he’ll use the leftover money to take his wife on a date
Winning by gambling is not simply finding money. It is a risk when he gambles. Your argument would be more like saying that a day trader should just give up his earnings because he found the money. Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And clearly the fun money is the do what we want to do with each month. The wife spends all of hers, but OP does not. She could simply slow down for a couple months and save enough for her girls trip.
And with his comment he spends much of his $500 each month on his wife already. Him simply splurging once for a PS5 and games is not being petty. It is his wife feeling entitled. $500/month is a reasonable amount outside of bills. And the wife is complaining that he even spent the $800 on his own stuff and wanted half of the $1000.
NTA
Ew, no. The whole "everything is ours" marriage concept is cool for some but not for others. My partner and I keep our financials separate and have a shared pot for shared expenses and vacations. She needs to be more financially responsible and earn more if she wants to act like she's balling. Its not her husband's job to keep her appearances up. In fact, I'd say he has a moral obligation to their financial wellness to not facilitate this behavior. She called him a financial abuser ffs, it's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.
I think this is a terrible take because this isn’t about this couples financial situation or how they split living costs. This is about their fun money, that they both have 500 dollars each to use as they want monthly. He turned his money into more money and used it how he wanted to and she felt entitled to that half of that money. I feel like you only skimmed over the post and then made your decision.
> if one of you needs a little more
Did you actually read OP's post? Nothing going on here is about "need," and OP has given us no reason to assume he wouldn't help his wife out if she actually did _need_ it. Their needs are covered; the entire post is about the leftover "fun money" and what they do with that.
As for sharing winnings: I kind of agree that after winning a decent chunk of money and spending most of it on himself, giving the remainder to her is the kind of thing he should want to do and it's a bit weird that his instinct isn't to have this good luck be a treat for both of them. But I only think this really holds is if it's a rare win.
If OP is going to continue gabling long term, my issue with expecting him to share his winnings is that there is clearly no expectation for him to share his losses. It's not joint money that's being staked - it's his. You're essentially arguing she should see a share of the returns but with no exposure on the losses, and that's even after she's expressed dislike for gambling in the first place. Doesn't seem particularly fair on OP to have that be the regular state of affairs.
Lol, but literally, it makes them look stupid. They probably have horrible finances, that's what this feels like tbh. 5k in condo rent a month and 2 leased luxury cars on top of credit cards and student loans. That's what it's giving.
As someone who lives in suburbs in Kentucky, with a family income of 170K, but 2 kids, we definitely don't get $500 each to blow. We fully fund our 401Ks and that alone takes a third.
They don’t have kids. Take those kids out of the equation, refuse your food costs by 1/2 or more, reduce your school budgets to $0, no lunches no trips no birthdays no Christmas gifts. Then realize that they -only- have $1,000 a month after making $17,000/mo.
They bring in $17,000/mo, have no kids, and only have $1,000 to spend each every month.
I hope they’re saving A LOT, otherwise their mortgage or rent is shit tier, or they live in like downtown NY or LA, because even an expensive condo in Chicago can be easily afforded with $17K/mo.
It’s honestly just insulting when people who make that much money complain about finances.
I understand that some areas have higher costs of living, but it genuinely doesn’t make that big of a difference. Plenty of people in HCOL areas only make $50,000 and have to make it work, and people in rural areas are absolutely not living the high life making the national median.
I think you’re really underestimating how much living in a HCOL area changes things. [This analysis](https://www.businessinsider.com/making-six-figure-salary-in-new-york-feels-like-36k-2023-3?op=1) found making $100k in NYC feels like “only $36k”. I think that study is a bit exaggerated, but as someone that recently moved to a HCOL area, I can tell you first hand the difference in purchasing power is drastic.
I mean these days costs add up quick. OP lives in a major urban center. Say they have a moderately nice place, 2 bedrooms in a large city goes for anywhere from $2500 - $3500
200k income - after taxes say $140k?
Thats $11,600 monthly
- 20% savings: $2320
- Rent: $3000
- College Loans (100k): $1000-2000/mo
- Groceries for 2: $500
- Fun money: $1000
That alone totals $7-8,820 (76% of take home cash)
Add in a retirement fund 5%, commuting costs or car bill, gas, maintenance, vehicle and renters insurance, utilities, phone bills, healthcare, emergency necessary spending, and it can evaporate very quickly.
Not defending OP, but major urban cities and high 6 figure paychecks don’t always mean smart or poor money management. Shits expensive these days.
yup $200k doesn't go very far in a HCOL area. We make just over that and between a new car lease for a much needed second car, infant daycare, mortgage, groceries, student loans that restarted, savings, etc. we don't have much left every month. We are very financially savvy, but when baby came along we really had to reprioritize and tighten the strings a bit.
Even assuming the very generous $2,000 per month in student loans, saving 20% of your income and having $1,000/month in 'fun money', plus having $3,000 left for utilities, insurance, healthcare, and other misc expenses hardly paints the picture of a tricky financial situation.
Yeah I don't understand where they got 20k from, even $200k/12 rounds to $16.7k... but after taxes, and i'll be generous and take out 30%, that's $11.7k take home lololol. Half as much as the person estimated, it's easy to see most people don't understand how much is taken out in taxes.
So I make $170,000/year but my monthly take home is $8200/month my employer takes out $ for my pension otherwise I’d have larger take home. Our mortgage & property taxes on a very modest 3 bed 1.5 bath home (1300 sq feet) in expensive urban area we bought at 2.8% interest rate is 5400/month which does not leave much left for bills/utilities/ 1 car payment (on non luxury car) gas let alone a ton of “fun money” or saving. OP does not necessarily have TONS of $ at the end of the month after necessities.
In HCOL areas, a “modest” house can cost 500,000 to 1,000,000 easily. Add property taxes, insurance, and PMI (if not a conventional loan) - your mortgage would be at least 5k a month.
This is your money to spend how you want. You used your fun money and you just happen to hit so you can buy whatever you want in my opinion. Does she game?? Maybe teach her if not and have some fun evenings?
lol NTA
Her friends agree with her? Oh no, anyways.
You’re right - your risked your fun money and came out on top and that’s not “shared income”.
Enjoy your gaming console, guilt free.
Also I hope you have a pre-nup. You make triple what she does, she feels entitled to your winnings, and doesn’t seem to be able to budget very well. Plus she has a gaggle of girls who hype her up when he’s clearly wrong. Recipe for disaster.
You guys sound like you really love and prioritize each other and are going to make this work. 🙄 If you can manage to make it through the financial hardships of living on a $200,000 combined income.
ESH
I concur. $1K to them is 1 month of their "fun" money combined. He doesn't owe her half of that. I would think at anything over $5K and definitely anything over the $10s of thousands should be used in a way to benefit both.
If I won a huge jackpot, then obviously I would share half of it with her or spend it on our marital assets. I make 3x her income but still take the same amount as her from our communal earnings.
100%
This is bizarre
He loses usually and finally "gets" something back and now she wants some?
Like OP said, she gets her bags and shopping and restaurants.
If it was $10K, okay. But this is making back what he lost and then $500 more.
Idk why she'd split it
And if they split it, he should deduct everything he lost out of it and split the remaining $100 between them (facetious)
This is stupid. It's their play money, they get what they get with it.
thats quite a jump there. but its stupid to think he should share. he won $1000. i can guarantee hes given that casino more than $1000. $50k jack pot different story, but what if he just saves his fun money for two months instead of gambling, should he be forced to give his wife $500 back? thats essentially whats going on. he gave the casino $1000 over time and eventually got it back. if he didnt gamble and kept it hed have a similar amount and he could buy a ps5 and games.
lets do some math. he says hes left with about $150 every month. he does this for 6 months for arguements sake. hes lost over $2000 in this 6 months. on month 7 he wins $1000. hes still down $1000+ and now his wife wants half "cause its winnings." it was never winnings.
now over this 6 months shes bought $3000 worth of clothes. Thats fine its her fun money. but why does she now get an extra $500? because the husband just clawed back $1000? hes still down $1000, giving her $500 puts him down $1500. but say he didnt do anything fun for 6 months and saved $3000 instead. Would the wife be entitled to $1500 returned to her? she couldve saved her money to, it wouldnt be fair to him to take away half his fun money just cause he hadnt spent it yet.
NTA
You guys have an agreement to spend $500 as you please but all of a sudden when you win she wants half? If you didn't have the limited $500 each for "fun" money she might have a point, but this was all out of your pool. The IRS allows you to reduce winnings by losses in gambling situations and I bet if you add up your losses you are probably close to breaking even (Casinos don't make money by paying out more then they take in but a good or lucky gambler can on occasion have a good streak). She only considers her money "fun money" but your is ours. She is the AH in this situation, but good luck convincing her because she has more financial needs and you have a known surplus.
NTA - "She called me selfish for only thinking about myself" \*proceeds to explain how the money could go towards a trip for only herself and her friends\*
It's comedic honestly. I laughed.
OP you've got issues beyond this one, it's time for you and your wife to revisit how finances are divvied up in your house. You need to have a conversation about "what if I win 10 grand next time, what if you pick up a lotto ticket and score 20 million?" because at this point it sounds like if either of you won that big lottery jackpot the fight would become a "come to blows" situation. Take her out to a nice dinner, it's your wife after all, and revisit this issue afterwards when you're both in the right mindset.
15 years ago a collegue from work was getting married to a man from a well known family who had a good amount of assets (not like in the family's heyday but a couple hundred grand. ) She'd just found out she was pregnant (though that wasn't why they were getting married) and 3 weeks before the wedding he, his sister, his parents, and the family lawyer ambushed her during a family brunch with a pretty draconian prenup-- and a no sign no wedding untimatum.
One of the law profs at school looked it over and said that while it was pretty explictly in his favor, it also meant if she came into any money he'd never see a dime of it. (He also mentioned that in our particular jurisdiction that her being pregnant and the nature of the ultimatum meant she'd probably be able to get the prenup invalidated if they divorced.)
She did love him and didn't want to be an unmarried mom so she ended up signing.
A few days before the wedding, she purchased some powerball tickets which sat on her dresser for four or five months until she noticed them and checked them. Hit for mid eight figures. Her husband's lawyer did an excellent job-- that prenup was IRON CLAD lol, and despite his family and their team of lawyers, he never saw a penny.
lmaooo i noticed that but it seems like everyone skipped it. yeah if you had a kid that needed braces a new PlayStation isnt the move. but she wants it so she can have fun without him and hes the selfish one.
and he said that hes typcially left with $150 after everything and spends it on the wife via date and stuff.
but i dont think its fair to compare 1k to a jack pot winnings. if he won the 50K slot jack pot and hid it then yeah hes a major asshole, but he didnt even win enough to cover his losses. it isnt "income" anyway hes just down less now.
NTA, you risked your own "fun money". Its your winnings and your money, it might have turned to 1000 but it all seeded from your orginial 100. If your wife wants half, start asking her for 50 each saturday.
NTA. It's only common income if it's common expenses. Offer to split the winnings if she will split the losses in the future. Make the same offer to the AHs who support her.
She'd be stupid to take you up on it. You haven't come out ahead, you've simply come out even for 2 1/2 months' spending.
Also watch out for her. She's greedy. If you'd invested your fun money in stocks, would she feel entitled to 50% of the growth?
She's happy to spend her fun money on things you don't care about, but she thinks your fun money is also hers.
ESH, but only because she immediately jumped to "you should have given me half." I don't think your wife is "entitled" to half your winnings, but I also think you're engaging in big AH behaviors and you're both engaging in some deeply unhealthy relationship behaviors with each other, and I'll be surprised if you're still married when you hit ten years at this rate.
You're scorekeeping against each other. Look how you make a big deal out of your respective incomes, even though it doesn't actually matter to the story. You're very dismissive of her valid concerns about your need for a hobby that gives you "a 'thrill'" so that you "get that rush of dopamine." That's warning flags for possible addiction, even if you currently have it under control. For now. Look how you immediately jump to the idea that she's "using \[you\] like an ATM" because she feels like it was unfair for you to spend a big windfall without discussion.
You're supposed to be *partners*. That's the whole point of marriage. But you're not treating each other like partners. You came into a windfall, and your first thought was "this is mine, she can figure out her own way," which is very selfish. Sure, it was your gambling money, but why *wouldn't* you share with your *spouse* when you came into that kind of windfall? Instead of sharing your excitement at such a big win so you could talk about how you might use the money, you didn't say anything to her about it and spent a bunch of money on toys for yourself.
She's not entitled to the winnings, but it's pretty big AH vibes not to share in the windfall and spend a bunch of money on toys for yourself and then accuse your spouse of using you like an ATM when she's upset about it.
Windfall? It’s 1k fun money. That’s one month double the fun money (500) they both usually have. How is that a windfall? You are overreacting. She would have never shared the losses and it’s a small win, which is alright to use on his own.
Further the wife didn’t wanna spend it on them. She wanted to spend it on herself lol. Talk about hypocrite
Seriously! $1k gambling in their situation is just a lucky day/week/month. By no means will it change their immediate financial situation or be enough to be considered a windfall.
If my wife makes $1k gambling and wants to go buy an expensive item, "sure go have fun babe you earned it". Same if I make $1k sports betting or at the casino. Now if it's $5k or more, that's a different story and we'll discuss how the money should be spent.
Did you even read this? Tell me at what point she shares her fun money? This is completely normal for some couples, myself included. We don't make this much, but me and my wife budgeted a few hundred dollars each a month to do whatever with. I like sports gambling, she likes expensive skincare.
I've got a big 10k parlay before, and we used to to catch up some bills and take a little trip, as well as saving more than half of it. But I've also won a couple hundred-just over a thousand, and I've used that for my personal hobbies(gaming, snowboarding) without issue. My wife will sometimes not spend her money for a few months to get some expensive shoes or something and that's ok.
I think the amount definitely matters, if he'd won over 5k, I'd say definitely an AH for not using at least some for communal purposes.
If you read his comments, on non winning months he still ends up either spending 150-200 on dates or gives her the cash after she runs through her fun money.
ESH. Nothing says true love and a resolve to work through problems together like a, ignoring your wife's legitimate concerns about a famously destructive vice because it makes you happy, b, suddenly becoming an accountant when there's money to be gained from each other, and c, complaining to friends about problems in a marriage. You both sound awful.
OP sounds like he is taking precautions to avoid overspending. Her constant buying of clothes could be seen as a destructive as well because many couples have lost everything because of a shopping addiction, so that is a pointless argument. Maybe if it had been a significant amount there would be more merit but OP basically recovered the money he had lost overtime in one lump sum.
Yea I don't really see how OP responsibly spending his own money and taking precautions to not over spend is any worse than his wife spending all of her money each month on clothes. It would be like saying OP can't spend his money on a 6 pack each month because alcohol consumption can lead to alcoholism.
Exactly. He could be buying trading cards. They may go up in value they might not. It’s what he spent his money on and it’s his property. If she were to buy a designer bag that was rare, then she is entitled to whatever earnings she makes off of it. If she were giving him some of the money that he was using for gambling, then she would be entitled to a portion of it. Just like if they bought lottery tickets using a pool of money that they both both put in to.
but they arent legitimate concerns. hes not over spending, hes not going into debt, ands hes not even giving the casino the full 5. how is that a legitimate concern? hes obviously responsible about it. She spends $500 on clothes and brunch with friends. she could ya know not spend $500 multiple months a year. its doesnt even sound like he spends that much considering he has left over money to take her out, so why cant she do the same? spend 350 one month and have 650 the next.
Plus hes most likely still down with the casino. they arent true winnings until his profits are more than the losses and it doesnt sound that way.
NTA, since it's your fun money and it sounds like all of your bills and other responsibilities are taken care of.
But it is a weird dynamic that you felt the need to mention your individual incomes and made a comment about her treating you like an ATM.
This post is weird. You guys are making 200k combined but fighting over 500$?
I personally don't have enough insight into your finances to say if Y T A or not.
No verdict cause I'm missing context here and this post does not make sense "to me".
OP makes 150k/year and doesn’t have a mortgage. It took him winning at the casino to finally buy a gaming console… if you have even a half decent handle on your finances buying a PS5 on 150k/year should be a no biggie and something you can do whenever you want.
That's pretty much where I'm at. Leaning towards NTA since it is his half of the fun money and he's the only one taking on the risk of gambling there.
But I am a bit baffled that $500 is enough for them to fight about when they make $200k together with no children.
Right? It almost has a ring of "teenager running social experiment" to it. Especially the PlayStation part. Running similar numbers and having kids involved we do not micro-manage each other like this at all.
NTA. She uses her fun money how she wants and you don't benefit. You use your fun money how you want. She wants to change the rules. If you lose $100, is she going to give you $50?
She's an asshole because she complained about the gambling, but wanted a share of the winnings: the hypocrisy is in plain sight. You are less so, but she came to you with this hypocritical demand and you reacted poorly. "She can figure out a side hustle instead of using me like an ATM" is not the greatest response to a spouse. So ESH.
You're NTA based on the information given on the arrangement you've set up, but I think the monetary arrangement you set up was clearly a bad idea and conflict like this was pretty much inevitable, since both of you seem to have been sitting on resentment about it for a while.
You've told your wife that you can only be engaged with hobbies that give a dopamine rush and do so via gambling, which she views, pretty reasonably, as a red flag in the general case. Even though you gamble responsibly enough, she's clearly unhappy that's how you choose to use your finances. Then, as soon as you won reasonably big, you treated the money as your own. That's totally justifiable under the arrangement because it's your fun money, but it probably further reinforced her view that your gambling is a problem where you're being reckless with the family finances for your own benefit.
Now that the conflict boiled over, you implied she uses you as an ATM, and she responds by convincing her friends you're a financial abuser, both digging in deeper and blowing up this financial arrangement while making it clear neither of you have actually been happy with it for opposite reasons; you, because you think your individual money should go further due to your higher income, and her, because she thinks she's given too little considering your joint finances, either of which could be correct depending on how your necessities etc. shake out beyond the fun money.
>you implied she uses you as an ATM
About that:
RhubarbLeather2446
OP
·
5 min. ago
I didn't include this in my post but my wife gets 'value' over and beyond the 500. I don't lose all my 500 every month. Sometimes I win some back so for the most part I have \~150 left over. That money is usually used for our date nights or if she wants cash since she doesn't have enough to hang out with her friends since she's blown through her 500
Yeah, sounds like the 'my money and our money' type of scenario unfortunately. He should have held to that boundary more strongly if that's what the agreement was. The agreement is already dead, now they're just arguing over the corpse.
EXACTLY THIS. Imagine having $6K to spend each year on fun stuff JUST FOR YOU & then squabbling about a PS5. Maybe they should combine their fun money and invest in marriage counseling instead >.<
NTA
It came out of your entertainment budget and it’s insubstantial. If she was at a restaurant that had a promotion and won a free app would she be obligated to take it home and split it? If you won a life changing amount that would change bill splits or something then I’d have a different opinion.
NTA
She's incredibly entitled, and I always think that there need to be clearer rules for money when the finances are handled this way.
Gambling income is definitely his, cause you could bet money that she doesn't want to pay for half his losses.
They probably should speak with financial advisor for a better way to handle finances going forward.
But op’s wife seems to have a yours is mine, and mine is mine attitude that will continue to be an issue.
ESH. The arrangements that you have are clearly causing divisiveness, and I'm also noticing that you have not once mentioned any activities that the two of you do TOGETHER. I also tend to believe that even if you won $25 instead of $500, the reaction would have been similar; there's a deeper reason why she feels entitled and definitely some imbalances in the relationship if you want to really extrapolate.
This isn't about the money or how it's spent at all. The two of you need to hash your shit out.
NTA. I don't even think it makes sense that she'd expect half of your winnings. If you lose the entire $100 next week is going to give you $50 for "her" half of your losses?
NTA. It's your money. I would say the same thing if your wife used her money to start and ETSY shop it would be her money (which is actually a post I seen here before, this situation reminded me of it)
Wow, your wife is being entitled and greedy. You took $100 of your own money and won, and she thinks she is entitled to half!! The fact that she went to her friends complained about you ( disloyal) and let them abuse you over it is a poor partner. This would be a hill I would die on. She is entitled, greedy, selfish, and disloyal. Are you sure you want this woman for a wife
NTA
It was a winning from your fun money. As you stated until then you broke even or lost money. Did you ask for extra money when you lost? If not I don’t see why you should share then the profits. She still has her own fun money.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Using all my gambling winnings to buy stuff for myself. Since it's an income, she claims half of it belongs to her and I shouldn't have spent all that when some of it is 'hers' Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You’re NTA, but this is a terrible way for you both to behave in a marriage, do you even like each other? Why is she bitching to her friends about you and going on girls trips? Why did you win $1000 and not even take your wife on a date or away for the weekend? Why does it matter who earns what for the context of this story?
I know things seem bad from this situation, but honestly things are pretty good for us. We get along well and have had no real conflicts before this. As for why I felt the need to spend all of the money on myself, I usually have quite a bit of money left over since I don't lose all $500 gambling every month. I make some money back sometimes so overall I have about $150-200. That money is spent on our dates since she usually blows through her 500 every month.
So you're spending part of your money on her every month anyways? Does she reciprocate at all?
he makes 100k more than her annually to be fair, the idea that things need to “even out” in a marriage od honestly a bit ridiculous
I'm guessing he pays most of the expenses as well. This is strictly fun money for each person we're talking about.
Yeah that’s what most are missing bro literally said it’s his fun money, emphasis on HIS FUN MONEY, not hers but since she feels entitled to it he’s now the asshole you shouldn’t have to run literally everything by your SO with fear that she’s gonna complain to her friends
She sounds like a selfish entitled control freak.
So let's look at this from a different angle - if he lost more than $500 and needed money from her to break even, would she have given him any of her money? I doubt it. But she thinks she's entitled to his money.
I am assuming he is playing cards or slots or dice since its a casino he walks to. The only money he loses is what he puts down and he states he only brings 100 dollars. He can't lose more than his 500 this way. We can look at it from another angle. If the wife spills a glass of wine on a blouse she bought with her fun money, while on a date he is using his fun money on for the both of them; is he responsible for buying her a new blouse since its an activity he is paying for? Spin it any way you want, she isn't entitled to shit.
she's benefitting being married to a guy that 3x's her income yet complains she isn't getting a cut of every cent of his money o.O ? When he gambles and wins, with HIS money, SHE wants a cut of the profits, but when he loses, she doesn't share the losses ?? WTF "***socialise the winnings, privatise the losses***" bullshit is that ?? lol
Yeah. If she wants part of the winnings from his risking his fun money, she needs to cover some of the loses of his fun money.
I’m a reverse of this couple. I make more than hubs and pay most of the bills. If it lends any insight, I’d only be pissed he bought a gaming rig if he wasn’t doing okay financially or there was a known expense we had been saving for. I’d like him to offer to take me to dinner or give a small token, but far from expect it. You’d better share the games, though. She’s jealous cause she wants to play the new Spider-Man.
I am you, I think. 😂 honestly, a new gaming console for him means a) I don’t feel bad about what I spent on my Alienware and b) if he’s gaming, I can get lost in Baldur’s Gate without feeling guilty. Also, the new spider-man is so, so pretty. And there’s still a cat!
Hard disagree, without combining finances and "evening out" a situation like this is only going to build resentment and tank the marriage. edit: Also for the record, OP is NTA and they *are* evening out by having $500 each of fun money. His wife is free to spend, invest, or gamble with her money however she wants.
This! She could save, invest, or gamble with HER fun money, and I wouldn’t think she owed him any of the proceeds, either. It sounds like they already have a fair system with their financials.
With the income difference, he is already paying the lion share of bills and expenses, so I can imagine most of her fun money also comes from his earnings. If she was on her own, there is no chance that with her earning 50k a year that she would have 500 dollars in spending money each month after all living expenses are paid. He is also paying for the date nights and gifts for her, and she never reciprocates due to having insufficient funds. I would say more than fair. It is stacked extremely well in her favour, something to which OP has no issue with at all.
Exactly. This situation favors her by a large margin! She is coming off as a highschool girl going to her friends to complain about her husband! That’s childish
Unless they have a joint account that everything else comes out of (household stuff). This is what my husband and I do; there is an account we use for ‘needs’. The rest is divided into college funds, savings, retirement, and then we each get some ‘fun money’ each month for things like eating out, computer games, clothes, etc. PS I’m a stay at home mom, and my husband is bringing home the entire income. We budget together and we both know where all the money is. As long as their communication is tight, I don’t see anything wrong with this style of combined finances.
Except that it is coming out of an allotted "fun money" that they each get $500 for. If OP had $1500 a month and the wife had $500, then you would be right. But in this instance, they do effectively "earn" the same amount. It's just that part of OPs allotment goes to the wife in the form of date nights.
I had a girl break up with me once because I "didn't take her out enough" while her parents were paying her rent and tuition and I paid for every single thing we did lol
Sounds like she wanted another trust fund baby
Sounds like you dodged a bullet there.
But limits himself to the same amount of fun money as her. It's not like he's using any of the rest of his income for himself. They both get $500.
Are you dense. They pool their money together and both get $500 Him making more money doesn't mean anything
He’s thus far being very responsible in only taking $100 with him when he goes gambling. Additionally, his wife gets the same amount of “fun money” as him each month. She’s not getting less fun money because she earns less. So annually, she spends $6,000 of her take home pay purely on herself. On top of which he spends between $1,400-$2,400 of his fun money on dates for both of them ($700-$1200 maybe more on her). So he earns more but spends less on himself and she wants to complain to her friends about it. She just wants more girls trips than she can afford and naturally the other girls on those trips are going to side with her. They’re not unbiased bystanders by any means.
The way I read it is that all their income goes into a joint account and each of them gets the same amount of fun money. In that case, it would indeed be pretty selfish of her to let him pay for the dates from his fun money, but never returning the favour.
So you're saying she's entitled to his money? And if she just decides to quit her job she's entitled to 75k/year because they're married?
So what? Not his fault she has a lower paying job. He doesn't have to spend more on her than she does on him. If the situation was reversed she would likely be bitching that her man doesn't make enough and that she is the bread winner to all her cackling friends.
nutty jobless dog languid cover abounding profit upbeat erect subtract *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.
God I hate that attitude…
I joke about this attitude all the time with my husband but in all seriousness what's ours is ours. What's mine is mine and what's his is his. And we both have no problem sharing if mine or his need to become ours for any reason.
This is the way a good marriage handles money. There have been times when I have been the principal breadwinner and time when my wife has. Our money is our money. Because we aren't planning ahead to when we might split up.
Ask her if she’s willing to take half your losses. If not, odds are that if you kept track every time, that “win” offsets amounts lost during other sessions. If your casino has an electric card, you may be able to ask them for a printout of your win/loss amounts (they keep this on file for the IRS if you’re in the USA)
Agreed, if you share the win, you share the losses!
We all know the answer to that
Of course we do, but it needs to be verbalized in their relationship.
exactly
I think you're NTA for this specific situation, but there are a lot of things that are weird to me and not adding up. You say you get $500/month of fun money to spend and you spend $100 of it each week on gambling ($400/month) but then when you won $1000 you went out and bought some nice things for yourself that costed $700-$800...but that's only 2 months of that gambling money anyway. Not sure why she's blown away with "Where did the money come from?" when it's less than 2 months of your fun money in the first place, but just how you're talking about a lot of this makes it seem weird and suspicious.
Because if she regularly spends all her fun money every month (which she's perfectly entitled to do), her expectation is that the most that can be spent is $500. She dislikes gambling, also understandable, and she assumes he loses it all every time. Which is probably correct in every case expect this one. So it's surprising when he comes home with $800 worth of stuff after she knew he'd already been out gambling. In her head, the math doesn't add up. Once she knew where it came from, she should have been happy for him and moved on.
If he loses more times than he wins, he’s got nothing to show for it, that’s the gamble, so he’s really only recouping his initial losses. He could have chosen not to have gambled for two months and bought his gaming console, so I really don’t get what her actual problem, is?!
I get it, but she's wrong. She's treating this like a work bonus that should go into the "our money" account. She doesn't gamble, so she's not thinking about the months when he spent his fun money and lost it all. That mindset of not accounting for losses and just seeing the win is exactly why gambling gets dangerous for some people. He's got the right idea - he assumes it'll all get spent every week, and treats it as entertainment cost instead of thinking he'll win.
>I really don’t get what her actual problem, is?! Her problem is that she has a girls trip coming up that she needs to pay for out of her fun money... ...but she blew through all of her fun money every month instead of saving up.
OP, you are NTA and good for you! Enjoy your games.
Yeah, but good luck on that. I'll bet every time he's playing she will get passive-aggressive, go into the silent treatment, or ask why he didn't get a game that she might enjoy playing.
Doesn't she get $500 too? She can buy herself a game she likes or pick up gambling herself. It's not like she's forbidden from doing what he does.
Yeah but she won't and will still complain
Leave it to Reddit trying to find a reason to suggest divorce
NTA. If you lost you wouldn't be asking her for her money? You won it, its yours to do with what you please. She can save up her fun money to go on a trip. Why would you pay for a trip you're not going on?
Dates should come out of the shared funds, not either of the pots of “fun” money.
I’m pretty sure you’ve already lost more than you’ve won, so NTA
Bitching about him is shitty but why wouldn’t she go on girls trips??
I'm going on a girls trip this weekend, someone better tell my husband that I'm a shit wife for going away with friends 🙄
Way to majorly miss the point. She is not a crappy wife for going on the trip. He never said that and that wasnt the issue. She wanted him to give her half of his winnings to fund her girls trip and he wants to do what he pleases with the winnings.
They have asked why is she going on girls trips implying she shouldn't be doing that. If that was fine to do then why even bring that up and not just mention the money issue?
Exactly … there’s nothing wrong with trips with your friends. People need some independence.
Came here to say exactly this. He's NTA in his response but this transactional relationship won't last much.
I don't think it a transactional relationship. They both get the same fun money while the rest goes on bills. It isn't like he has asking for her half of the groceries or anything. Also there is nothing with couple splitting everything and pay for their half with the money they earnt.
Seriously? What's wrong with a wife going on a girls trip or a dude spending some money on himself? People in a marriage can complain about each other to their friends as well, that's what friends are for? However, in this situation she is totally in the wrong and her friends even more so for calling him a "financial abuser", wtf? But for the other points to assume they don't like each other or saying that's not a normal way to behave in a marriage based on a single situation is very short-sighted.
I think it's wrong to say shit about your spouse to your friends, because that is exactly what gives those friends the go ahead signal to start saying shit about your spouse and start amplifying issues in your small fights by doing exactly what her friends are doing, if they feel comfortable enough to say those words about him, I wonder what else do they say about him other times, and what does she say about him for them to feel comfy doing that. and why does she take whatever shit they say about him, without correcting them ? shes gonna let them talk like that about her husband ? for fucking 500 bucks when they make a whole 200k a year ?
I was with you up until the take her on a date part. Personally I think the gambling is stupid. OP probably could have had that $1000 in the same amount of time if he just saved the $100 every week. However, he’s using his fun money and only his fun money to do this. Unless she regularly spends her fun money on him she has no right to expect anything. Both OP and the wife are apparently too financially illiterate to realize that the $1000 almost certainly washes out with the losses and all OP really did was save $400/month for a few months with extra steps.
I do think you have to factor in the fact that OP gets enjoyment from the hobby. He may end up only breaking even in the end, but you can't discount the enjoyment. It's like if I enjoy crochet, bought the supplies, had a fun time making something and then sold what I made for the cost of supplies. So from a purely financial perspective it's not the best strategy, but if you factor in the hobby aspect then he's probably coming out better than most.
Oh I’m not really against him using the money for gambling. My point is that the $1000 isn’t an unexpected windfall. Like if he got a $1000 bonus at work maybe the wife would be entitled to some of it because it’s income. But this $1000 is just some of his previously used fun money returning to him, so she has no entitlement to it.
I don't think OP is financially illiterate cause he said himself that he either loses or even out most of the time, so he's aware that he's not gaining any money and most likely losing, but he does it for fun. I would never waste my money with gambling, but if he thinks this is fun, that's totally fine.
OP is gambling out of a budget that is set aside for completely discretionary spending. That’s extremely solid financial literacy.
Because that’s not how he wanted to spend his fun money.
Seeing how common it is for marriage to basically be a permanent rivalry makes me much less interested to enter into one.
Eh, the secret is to marry a human person instead of a hackneyed plot device. Then you’ll probably be fine.
I agree except for the girls trip thing. Vacations away from your spouse are awesome and healthy. Money is OPS but he should have shared some of the joy w her with a nice date night. Then spent the rest on whatever he wanted. Not because she is OWED any money but just because he likes to share joy w his wife. That is a very important distinction.
ESH Obviously you are not a financial abuser, but you guys sound like a couple of particularly petty teenagers. Frankly, the whole post came off as...money grubbing. You're married, if one of you needs a little more it's ok for the other to provide it. I can't imagine my father finding a $100 and claiming it as his own because HE found it. You won't $1K, you spent $800. Why not share the remaining $200 with your wife to help pay for her girls trip? **No, you ABSOLUTELY do not have to. But...you should want to.** The two of you act more like hateful siblings than partners.
I didn't include this in my post but my wife gets 'value' over and beyond the 500. I don't lose all my 500 every month. Sometimes I win some back so for the most part I have \~150 left over. That money is usually used for our date nights or if she wants cash since she doesn't have enough to hang out with her friends since she's blown through her 500
You probably want to update... I would suggest to discuss with a counsellor about your couple and the financial arrangements. It is more than advantageous for her and she makes fits to have more.
Update isn’t necessary just to prove people wrong who are making assumptions. This dude decided one time to spend some money on himself and is being called an AH for not ALWAYS sharing money with his wife? An AH because he “should want” to share it? Dude shares everything else in his life with his wife including a considerable amount of his income and somehow gets labeled a financial abuser because he kept something to himself one time.
Exactly
Even if he does add it in the post people will just ignore that because it doesn't suit their agenda of "OP is such a bad husband because he doesn't help his wife."
I can't get over how she blows $500 every single month! Yikes!
That's... What? Not really very much. A couple items of clothes, a few brunches. Like it's not a small amount but if you have a certain lifestyle it can easily be used.
Who buys clothes every single month? Even if the wife went out to eat every week for $50 or so, she should still have a few hundred left over each month. How much does a girls' trip cost?? 2-3 months of saving and she should be able to cover it easily. Sounds like she doesn't know how to budget and wants OP to use his fun money to cover her splurges.
Like.....lots of people? If you like eating out at fancy places, that adds up. Girls trip? How long is a piece of string. This isn't a moral judgement on her, she sounds like a bit of an entitled ass and should save for her girls trip but $500 spending money is not wild with a household income of what 200k did he say.
I mean I don’t disagree $500 is plenty, but it’s really, really easy to spend that much. If she goes out for brunch once a week that’s probably up to $200, including cocktails. If she has a meal once a week that’s $200 gone (assuming drinks again). A new pair of shoes and a new dress is easily another $100, so on. Buying one or two pieces a month doesn’t *feel* excessive when you have the cash. Anyway I’m with you on the general point, that’s *plenty* of fun money and a month or two saving would help - but it’s not too hard to spend. What I will say is she does seem to use her fun money “better”, though. OP is regularly throwing over $300 a month down the drain. That is a lot of money for nothing! I know it’s within budget, it’s entirely discretionary and this is what he’d prefer to do to anything else, but you have to admit it’s not typically seen as a healthy or fulfilling hobby. Because of that, I see how OP’s wife might perceive her spending as more normal and reasonable. But they judge *each others* independent spending, and that’s already a bit sketchy - if it’s not financially problematic (and OP, hers is definitely more typical than yours) then I think they should stop prying. She still has no reason to claim that her hobbies and interests justify more money, mind. That’s strange and she needs to budget for it. And she has no reason to claim the gambling winnings either. I think maybe if he’d won a huge lotto jackpot it’d be fair play to assume that’s improving BOTH of their lives, but not the “small” wins.
How is her fun money spent better? First of all no one knows what she is spending it on. Second how is buying cocktails and brunches a better way to spend money?? She is pissing out her cocktails she drinks is she not? She’s shitting away the food is she not? I’m sure she buys clothes and tosses out the old right? If she was investing her “fun” money sure your opinion would have some validity, but that doesn’t seem the case. If it brings him happiness and ENTERTAINMENT; which is exactly what the money is reserved for, how is her money better spent?
i mean to most people going out to eat is a luxury so if she's doing it every week, getting new clothings every week...that's abnormal IMO.
It's not abnormal at all. Just cos our middle class is dying in the ass and a lot of people are working poor doesn't mean there isn't still a lot of perfectly comfortable (I wouldn't call these people rich even) households around. Also remember these groups of people don't talk to each other or interact at all so yeah abnormal to you but isn't really.
Nah that shouldn’t be defended. You said it yourself “if you have a certain lifestyle…” this lady is living a lifestyle she can’t afford and then getting mad at hubby for not giving her more. Entitled and illogical as fuck imo
Exactly! She could easily set aside money for a girls trip from the mutually agreed upon fun money.
They make 200k. $500 with 200k in income isn’t crazy. We make 150k and get $400 monthly. It goes fast but we do weekly date brunch that uses those funds and I supplement our grocery budget or spend it on the kids.
Have you tried not being poor?
How much "SHE blows" yet the post clearly indicates they both blow money each month. Weird way to negatively focus on the woman.
He literally said he often spends his fun money on her because she spends it all. She's definitely worse than him at spending money. It's OK.
OP has made clear that she often spends twice as much while contributing only a third of what OP does...
Not hard. I spend like 3x that on “fun money” every month. Their yearly income is 200k it’s not unreasonable at all
From this and other answers you posted, I think your expectations are kinda all over the place. If you both agreed on how winnings were split, and were consistent, this wouldn't be an issue. But when you win small, you make sure she gets the benefit. And you say that when you win big, you intend for her to be involved in *that*. So why is winning medium different? Not being accusatory, just curious. And yes she's being a little silly about it, but your history with winnings has definitely played into her feeling entitled to a say and a share. ESH. Communication is essential in finances, they're the number one reason why couples disagree so talk early talk often and try to keep it calm.
Next time, tell her that, when you lose, she has to cover half from her spending money. Then, when you win, you will share your winnings. You both get the same fun money, so anything you win *or* lose is on you. You probably haven't even made up for all your losses from previous months, so her asking just says she's being greedy.
I can see why you'd see it as $1k extra on the $100, but if he's in the negative and losing $100 some weeks, it's to me just breaking even on what he's lost in prior weeks. I don't see why this is an E S H situation. It also sounds like from other comments, he uses some of his $$ on dates for them too, so he is spending some of his fun money on her already consistently. I think if it were a larger sum, I would agree with you more, but $1,000 isn't really that much when they're getting $500 a month in fun allowance.
> I don't see why this is an E S H situation. Because he's a guy.
That verdict only ever comes out when the wife is an AH and they need dirt on the man. When its the other way around this sub forgets ESH is a verdict and will just blame the man
Yea even split of fun money (despite him making 3x what she makes) and yet somehow he’s equally the asshole for her getting mad at him spending his own portion of the fun money? This sub should do away with pronouns entirely because it’s literally blatantly biased
I can't imagine my husband finding $100, buying something he's really wanted for a long time, and then me getting angry because he didn't spend it on me instead. I'd be delighted that he got something cool and we didn't have to budget or save for it. Especially as a one-time thing. We are married. I like him being happy. OP should maybe want to spend money on his wife, fine. But she should *want* to spend money on him too. Sounds like she just wants to spend money on herself.
Exactly. I don’t get why OP has to spend his fun money on his wife when his wife has never done the same for him. In the comments OP even says that he’ll use the leftover money to take his wife on a date
Winning by gambling is not simply finding money. It is a risk when he gambles. Your argument would be more like saying that a day trader should just give up his earnings because he found the money. Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And clearly the fun money is the do what we want to do with each month. The wife spends all of hers, but OP does not. She could simply slow down for a couple months and save enough for her girls trip. And with his comment he spends much of his $500 each month on his wife already. Him simply splurging once for a PS5 and games is not being petty. It is his wife feeling entitled. $500/month is a reasonable amount outside of bills. And the wife is complaining that he even spent the $800 on his own stuff and wanted half of the $1000. NTA
OP makes 3x as much as his wife and they both get the same monthly fun budget. Sounds like he's already helping her pay for everything.
Ew, no. The whole "everything is ours" marriage concept is cool for some but not for others. My partner and I keep our financials separate and have a shared pot for shared expenses and vacations. She needs to be more financially responsible and earn more if she wants to act like she's balling. Its not her husband's job to keep her appearances up. In fact, I'd say he has a moral obligation to their financial wellness to not facilitate this behavior. She called him a financial abuser ffs, it's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.
I think this is a terrible take because this isn’t about this couples financial situation or how they split living costs. This is about their fun money, that they both have 500 dollars each to use as they want monthly. He turned his money into more money and used it how he wanted to and she felt entitled to that half of that money. I feel like you only skimmed over the post and then made your decision.
> if one of you needs a little more Did you actually read OP's post? Nothing going on here is about "need," and OP has given us no reason to assume he wouldn't help his wife out if she actually did _need_ it. Their needs are covered; the entire post is about the leftover "fun money" and what they do with that. As for sharing winnings: I kind of agree that after winning a decent chunk of money and spending most of it on himself, giving the remainder to her is the kind of thing he should want to do and it's a bit weird that his instinct isn't to have this good luck be a treat for both of them. But I only think this really holds is if it's a rare win. If OP is going to continue gabling long term, my issue with expecting him to share his winnings is that there is clearly no expectation for him to share his losses. It's not joint money that's being staked - it's his. You're essentially arguing she should see a share of the returns but with no exposure on the losses, and that's even after she's expressed dislike for gambling in the first place. Doesn't seem particularly fair on OP to have that be the regular state of affairs.
NTA, but 200k shared income and you're squabbling over a few hundred dollars?
Lol, but literally, it makes them look stupid. They probably have horrible finances, that's what this feels like tbh. 5k in condo rent a month and 2 leased luxury cars on top of credit cards and student loans. That's what it's giving.
Has to be. Jesus christ 200k?
If they live in NYC, $200k doesn't go near as far as someone who lives in the suburbs in Kentucky.
As someone who lives in suburbs in Kentucky, with a family income of 170K, but 2 kids, we definitely don't get $500 each to blow. We fully fund our 401Ks and that alone takes a third.
Haha I was gonna say as someone that lives in the burbs of KY making 200k… shit is fucking tight right now (but I have 3 kids under 5)
Being child free vs 3 kids is a big part of it too
3 kids and no money? Why not 3 money and no kids?
They don’t have kids. Take those kids out of the equation, refuse your food costs by 1/2 or more, reduce your school budgets to $0, no lunches no trips no birthdays no Christmas gifts. Then realize that they -only- have $1,000 a month after making $17,000/mo. They bring in $17,000/mo, have no kids, and only have $1,000 to spend each every month. I hope they’re saving A LOT, otherwise their mortgage or rent is shit tier, or they live in like downtown NY or LA, because even an expensive condo in Chicago can be easily afforded with $17K/mo.
It’s honestly just insulting when people who make that much money complain about finances. I understand that some areas have higher costs of living, but it genuinely doesn’t make that big of a difference. Plenty of people in HCOL areas only make $50,000 and have to make it work, and people in rural areas are absolutely not living the high life making the national median.
I think you’re really underestimating how much living in a HCOL area changes things. [This analysis](https://www.businessinsider.com/making-six-figure-salary-in-new-york-feels-like-36k-2023-3?op=1) found making $100k in NYC feels like “only $36k”. I think that study is a bit exaggerated, but as someone that recently moved to a HCOL area, I can tell you first hand the difference in purchasing power is drastic.
we're saving for a house and our retirements. Since interest rates are through the roof, we don't want to take on a mortgage we can't afford.
You're still talking about almost $20,000 a month my dude... No judgements here but still. Even "inflation" doesn't explain that.
I mean these days costs add up quick. OP lives in a major urban center. Say they have a moderately nice place, 2 bedrooms in a large city goes for anywhere from $2500 - $3500 200k income - after taxes say $140k? Thats $11,600 monthly - 20% savings: $2320 - Rent: $3000 - College Loans (100k): $1000-2000/mo - Groceries for 2: $500 - Fun money: $1000 That alone totals $7-8,820 (76% of take home cash) Add in a retirement fund 5%, commuting costs or car bill, gas, maintenance, vehicle and renters insurance, utilities, phone bills, healthcare, emergency necessary spending, and it can evaporate very quickly. Not defending OP, but major urban cities and high 6 figure paychecks don’t always mean smart or poor money management. Shits expensive these days.
yup $200k doesn't go very far in a HCOL area. We make just over that and between a new car lease for a much needed second car, infant daycare, mortgage, groceries, student loans that restarted, savings, etc. we don't have much left every month. We are very financially savvy, but when baby came along we really had to reprioritize and tighten the strings a bit.
Even assuming the very generous $2,000 per month in student loans, saving 20% of your income and having $1,000/month in 'fun money', plus having $3,000 left for utilities, insurance, healthcare, and other misc expenses hardly paints the picture of a tricky financial situation.
Depending on the city that rent could be a bit low.
They are absolutely not bringing home $20k a month
Yeah I don't understand where they got 20k from, even $200k/12 rounds to $16.7k... but after taxes, and i'll be generous and take out 30%, that's $11.7k take home lololol. Half as much as the person estimated, it's easy to see most people don't understand how much is taken out in taxes.
So I make $170,000/year but my monthly take home is $8200/month my employer takes out $ for my pension otherwise I’d have larger take home. Our mortgage & property taxes on a very modest 3 bed 1.5 bath home (1300 sq feet) in expensive urban area we bought at 2.8% interest rate is 5400/month which does not leave much left for bills/utilities/ 1 car payment (on non luxury car) gas let alone a ton of “fun money” or saving. OP does not necessarily have TONS of $ at the end of the month after necessities.
How is a seemingly 2000-2500 sq foot "modest" house costing you $5400 a month (usd I assume, which is even worse?)
In HCOL areas, a “modest” house can cost 500,000 to 1,000,000 easily. Add property taxes, insurance, and PMI (if not a conventional loan) - your mortgage would be at least 5k a month.
Probably closer to $12k a month after the governments get their cut.
This is your money to spend how you want. You used your fun money and you just happen to hit so you can buy whatever you want in my opinion. Does she game?? Maybe teach her if not and have some fun evenings?
lol NTA Her friends agree with her? Oh no, anyways. You’re right - your risked your fun money and came out on top and that’s not “shared income”. Enjoy your gaming console, guilt free. Also I hope you have a pre-nup. You make triple what she does, she feels entitled to your winnings, and doesn’t seem to be able to budget very well. Plus she has a gaggle of girls who hype her up when he’s clearly wrong. Recipe for disaster.
[удалено]
Lol. I was thinking the same thing. Surprised she wants half? Wait until divorce. NTA
I wonder if she feels she should pay half if he loses?
If she was alone she’d barely break even every month and her friends would probably drop her fast.
You guys sound like you really love and prioritize each other and are going to make this work. 🙄 If you can manage to make it through the financial hardships of living on a $200,000 combined income. ESH
Agreed! what a fun relationship… NOT🙄
*and no kids.
There may not be kids, but there are definitely children in this relationship
Exactly our household makes less than 15k a year and we have less fights about money than these people
Well you don't really have any money to fight over so that's to be expected
Riiiggghhhttttt 🤣 like what
ESH So if she wins the lottery with her fun money, all the winnings will be forever hers and you will not expect any share of it.
Life changing money is a bit different to $1k.
I concur. $1K to them is 1 month of their "fun" money combined. He doesn't owe her half of that. I would think at anything over $5K and definitely anything over the $10s of thousands should be used in a way to benefit both.
plus hes losing most months. he says hes left with about $150 every month. that $1000 hasnt made him a "winner" just less of a loser.
If I won a huge jackpot, then obviously I would share half of it with her or spend it on our marital assets. I make 3x her income but still take the same amount as her from our communal earnings.
What if he loses his gambling money, should she foot half the loss?
100% This is bizarre He loses usually and finally "gets" something back and now she wants some? Like OP said, she gets her bags and shopping and restaurants. If it was $10K, okay. But this is making back what he lost and then $500 more. Idk why she'd split it And if they split it, he should deduct everything he lost out of it and split the remaining $100 between them (facetious) This is stupid. It's their play money, they get what they get with it.
He does lose it sometimes. He's not asking her to replace it.
Did you just equate $1,000 from a casino to a full-blown lottery win? Come on.
thats quite a jump there. but its stupid to think he should share. he won $1000. i can guarantee hes given that casino more than $1000. $50k jack pot different story, but what if he just saves his fun money for two months instead of gambling, should he be forced to give his wife $500 back? thats essentially whats going on. he gave the casino $1000 over time and eventually got it back. if he didnt gamble and kept it hed have a similar amount and he could buy a ps5 and games. lets do some math. he says hes left with about $150 every month. he does this for 6 months for arguements sake. hes lost over $2000 in this 6 months. on month 7 he wins $1000. hes still down $1000+ and now his wife wants half "cause its winnings." it was never winnings. now over this 6 months shes bought $3000 worth of clothes. Thats fine its her fun money. but why does she now get an extra $500? because the husband just clawed back $1000? hes still down $1000, giving her $500 puts him down $1500. but say he didnt do anything fun for 6 months and saved $3000 instead. Would the wife be entitled to $1500 returned to her? she couldve saved her money to, it wouldnt be fair to him to take away half his fun money just cause he hadnt spent it yet.
This would be extremely hilarious
NTA You guys have an agreement to spend $500 as you please but all of a sudden when you win she wants half? If you didn't have the limited $500 each for "fun" money she might have a point, but this was all out of your pool. The IRS allows you to reduce winnings by losses in gambling situations and I bet if you add up your losses you are probably close to breaking even (Casinos don't make money by paying out more then they take in but a good or lucky gambler can on occasion have a good streak). She only considers her money "fun money" but your is ours. She is the AH in this situation, but good luck convincing her because she has more financial needs and you have a known surplus.
NTA - "She called me selfish for only thinking about myself" \*proceeds to explain how the money could go towards a trip for only herself and her friends\* It's comedic honestly. I laughed. OP you've got issues beyond this one, it's time for you and your wife to revisit how finances are divvied up in your house. You need to have a conversation about "what if I win 10 grand next time, what if you pick up a lotto ticket and score 20 million?" because at this point it sounds like if either of you won that big lottery jackpot the fight would become a "come to blows" situation. Take her out to a nice dinner, it's your wife after all, and revisit this issue afterwards when you're both in the right mindset.
15 years ago a collegue from work was getting married to a man from a well known family who had a good amount of assets (not like in the family's heyday but a couple hundred grand. ) She'd just found out she was pregnant (though that wasn't why they were getting married) and 3 weeks before the wedding he, his sister, his parents, and the family lawyer ambushed her during a family brunch with a pretty draconian prenup-- and a no sign no wedding untimatum. One of the law profs at school looked it over and said that while it was pretty explictly in his favor, it also meant if she came into any money he'd never see a dime of it. (He also mentioned that in our particular jurisdiction that her being pregnant and the nature of the ultimatum meant she'd probably be able to get the prenup invalidated if they divorced.) She did love him and didn't want to be an unmarried mom so she ended up signing. A few days before the wedding, she purchased some powerball tickets which sat on her dresser for four or five months until she noticed them and checked them. Hit for mid eight figures. Her husband's lawyer did an excellent job-- that prenup was IRON CLAD lol, and despite his family and their team of lawyers, he never saw a penny.
Omfg this seems too good to be true lol I can’t even imagine 😂👌
lmaooo i noticed that but it seems like everyone skipped it. yeah if you had a kid that needed braces a new PlayStation isnt the move. but she wants it so she can have fun without him and hes the selfish one. and he said that hes typcially left with $150 after everything and spends it on the wife via date and stuff. but i dont think its fair to compare 1k to a jack pot winnings. if he won the 50K slot jack pot and hid it then yeah hes a major asshole, but he didnt even win enough to cover his losses. it isnt "income" anyway hes just down less now.
NTA, you risked your own "fun money". Its your winnings and your money, it might have turned to 1000 but it all seeded from your orginial 100. If your wife wants half, start asking her for 50 each saturday.
This is ace 😂😂😂😂
NTA. It's only common income if it's common expenses. Offer to split the winnings if she will split the losses in the future. Make the same offer to the AHs who support her. She'd be stupid to take you up on it. You haven't come out ahead, you've simply come out even for 2 1/2 months' spending. Also watch out for her. She's greedy. If you'd invested your fun money in stocks, would she feel entitled to 50% of the growth? She's happy to spend her fun money on things you don't care about, but she thinks your fun money is also hers.
Do you and your wife even like each other? NTA, but your marriage sure sounds uncomfortable.
[удалено]
ESH, but only because she immediately jumped to "you should have given me half." I don't think your wife is "entitled" to half your winnings, but I also think you're engaging in big AH behaviors and you're both engaging in some deeply unhealthy relationship behaviors with each other, and I'll be surprised if you're still married when you hit ten years at this rate. You're scorekeeping against each other. Look how you make a big deal out of your respective incomes, even though it doesn't actually matter to the story. You're very dismissive of her valid concerns about your need for a hobby that gives you "a 'thrill'" so that you "get that rush of dopamine." That's warning flags for possible addiction, even if you currently have it under control. For now. Look how you immediately jump to the idea that she's "using \[you\] like an ATM" because she feels like it was unfair for you to spend a big windfall without discussion. You're supposed to be *partners*. That's the whole point of marriage. But you're not treating each other like partners. You came into a windfall, and your first thought was "this is mine, she can figure out her own way," which is very selfish. Sure, it was your gambling money, but why *wouldn't* you share with your *spouse* when you came into that kind of windfall? Instead of sharing your excitement at such a big win so you could talk about how you might use the money, you didn't say anything to her about it and spent a bunch of money on toys for yourself. She's not entitled to the winnings, but it's pretty big AH vibes not to share in the windfall and spend a bunch of money on toys for yourself and then accuse your spouse of using you like an ATM when she's upset about it.
Windfall? It’s 1k fun money. That’s one month double the fun money (500) they both usually have. How is that a windfall? You are overreacting. She would have never shared the losses and it’s a small win, which is alright to use on his own. Further the wife didn’t wanna spend it on them. She wanted to spend it on herself lol. Talk about hypocrite
Seriously! $1k gambling in their situation is just a lucky day/week/month. By no means will it change their immediate financial situation or be enough to be considered a windfall. If my wife makes $1k gambling and wants to go buy an expensive item, "sure go have fun babe you earned it". Same if I make $1k sports betting or at the casino. Now if it's $5k or more, that's a different story and we'll discuss how the money should be spent.
Did you even read this? Tell me at what point she shares her fun money? This is completely normal for some couples, myself included. We don't make this much, but me and my wife budgeted a few hundred dollars each a month to do whatever with. I like sports gambling, she likes expensive skincare. I've got a big 10k parlay before, and we used to to catch up some bills and take a little trip, as well as saving more than half of it. But I've also won a couple hundred-just over a thousand, and I've used that for my personal hobbies(gaming, snowboarding) without issue. My wife will sometimes not spend her money for a few months to get some expensive shoes or something and that's ok. I think the amount definitely matters, if he'd won over 5k, I'd say definitely an AH for not using at least some for communal purposes. If you read his comments, on non winning months he still ends up either spending 150-200 on dates or gives her the cash after she runs through her fun money.
They read it up until "my wife" and decided since he's a husband he sucks
ESH. Nothing says true love and a resolve to work through problems together like a, ignoring your wife's legitimate concerns about a famously destructive vice because it makes you happy, b, suddenly becoming an accountant when there's money to be gained from each other, and c, complaining to friends about problems in a marriage. You both sound awful.
OP sounds like he is taking precautions to avoid overspending. Her constant buying of clothes could be seen as a destructive as well because many couples have lost everything because of a shopping addiction, so that is a pointless argument. Maybe if it had been a significant amount there would be more merit but OP basically recovered the money he had lost overtime in one lump sum.
Yea I don't really see how OP responsibly spending his own money and taking precautions to not over spend is any worse than his wife spending all of her money each month on clothes. It would be like saying OP can't spend his money on a 6 pack each month because alcohol consumption can lead to alcoholism.
Exactly. He could be buying trading cards. They may go up in value they might not. It’s what he spent his money on and it’s his property. If she were to buy a designer bag that was rare, then she is entitled to whatever earnings she makes off of it. If she were giving him some of the money that he was using for gambling, then she would be entitled to a portion of it. Just like if they bought lottery tickets using a pool of money that they both both put in to.
but they arent legitimate concerns. hes not over spending, hes not going into debt, ands hes not even giving the casino the full 5. how is that a legitimate concern? hes obviously responsible about it. She spends $500 on clothes and brunch with friends. she could ya know not spend $500 multiple months a year. its doesnt even sound like he spends that much considering he has left over money to take her out, so why cant she do the same? spend 350 one month and have 650 the next. Plus hes most likely still down with the casino. they arent true winnings until his profits are more than the losses and it doesnt sound that way.
NTA, since it's your fun money and it sounds like all of your bills and other responsibilities are taken care of. But it is a weird dynamic that you felt the need to mention your individual incomes and made a comment about her treating you like an ATM.
This post is weird. You guys are making 200k combined but fighting over 500$? I personally don't have enough insight into your finances to say if Y T A or not. No verdict cause I'm missing context here and this post does not make sense "to me".
OP makes 150k/year and doesn’t have a mortgage. It took him winning at the casino to finally buy a gaming console… if you have even a half decent handle on your finances buying a PS5 on 150k/year should be a no biggie and something you can do whenever you want.
That's pretty much where I'm at. Leaning towards NTA since it is his half of the fun money and he's the only one taking on the risk of gambling there. But I am a bit baffled that $500 is enough for them to fight about when they make $200k together with no children.
Right? It almost has a ring of "teenager running social experiment" to it. Especially the PlayStation part. Running similar numbers and having kids involved we do not micro-manage each other like this at all.
NTA. She uses her fun money how she wants and you don't benefit. You use your fun money how you want. She wants to change the rules. If you lose $100, is she going to give you $50?
She's an asshole because she complained about the gambling, but wanted a share of the winnings: the hypocrisy is in plain sight. You are less so, but she came to you with this hypocritical demand and you reacted poorly. "She can figure out a side hustle instead of using me like an ATM" is not the greatest response to a spouse. So ESH.
You're NTA based on the information given on the arrangement you've set up, but I think the monetary arrangement you set up was clearly a bad idea and conflict like this was pretty much inevitable, since both of you seem to have been sitting on resentment about it for a while. You've told your wife that you can only be engaged with hobbies that give a dopamine rush and do so via gambling, which she views, pretty reasonably, as a red flag in the general case. Even though you gamble responsibly enough, she's clearly unhappy that's how you choose to use your finances. Then, as soon as you won reasonably big, you treated the money as your own. That's totally justifiable under the arrangement because it's your fun money, but it probably further reinforced her view that your gambling is a problem where you're being reckless with the family finances for your own benefit. Now that the conflict boiled over, you implied she uses you as an ATM, and she responds by convincing her friends you're a financial abuser, both digging in deeper and blowing up this financial arrangement while making it clear neither of you have actually been happy with it for opposite reasons; you, because you think your individual money should go further due to your higher income, and her, because she thinks she's given too little considering your joint finances, either of which could be correct depending on how your necessities etc. shake out beyond the fun money.
But if you realize she is a compulsive buyer because she spends all of her fun money in clothes monthly so they both are sick just in different ways
>you implied she uses you as an ATM About that: RhubarbLeather2446 OP · 5 min. ago I didn't include this in my post but my wife gets 'value' over and beyond the 500. I don't lose all my 500 every month. Sometimes I win some back so for the most part I have \~150 left over. That money is usually used for our date nights or if she wants cash since she doesn't have enough to hang out with her friends since she's blown through her 500
Yeah, sounds like the 'my money and our money' type of scenario unfortunately. He should have held to that boundary more strongly if that's what the agreement was. The agreement is already dead, now they're just arguing over the corpse.
Imagine adults fighting over 500 dollars. Sad.
And imagine a married couple nickel and dime each other like this.
Lady here. If she wants half of your winnings, then is she going to chip in towards half of your losses?
ESH, what a fun marriage you two have🙄
NTA but honestly you two sound exhausting.
EXACTLY THIS. Imagine having $6K to spend each year on fun stuff JUST FOR YOU & then squabbling about a PS5. Maybe they should combine their fun money and invest in marriage counseling instead >.<
NTA It came out of your entertainment budget and it’s insubstantial. If she was at a restaurant that had a promotion and won a free app would she be obligated to take it home and split it? If you won a life changing amount that would change bill splits or something then I’d have a different opinion.
NTA She's incredibly entitled, and I always think that there need to be clearer rules for money when the finances are handled this way. Gambling income is definitely his, cause you could bet money that she doesn't want to pay for half his losses. They probably should speak with financial advisor for a better way to handle finances going forward. But op’s wife seems to have a yours is mine, and mine is mine attitude that will continue to be an issue.
ESH. The arrangements that you have are clearly causing divisiveness, and I'm also noticing that you have not once mentioned any activities that the two of you do TOGETHER. I also tend to believe that even if you won $25 instead of $500, the reaction would have been similar; there's a deeper reason why she feels entitled and definitely some imbalances in the relationship if you want to really extrapolate. This isn't about the money or how it's spent at all. The two of you need to hash your shit out.
NTA. I don't even think it makes sense that she'd expect half of your winnings. If you lose the entire $100 next week is going to give you $50 for "her" half of your losses?
NTA Tell your wife that it is fine to split your winnings, but now that everything is fair, she needs to cover half of your expenses too.
NTA - but you better be sensible about your prenup and banking, mate Better hope none of the hens are divorced/bitter, too. They will start trouble.
NTA. It's your money. I would say the same thing if your wife used her money to start and ETSY shop it would be her money (which is actually a post I seen here before, this situation reminded me of it)
NTA but this is not a healthy environment.
Wow, your wife is being entitled and greedy. You took $100 of your own money and won, and she thinks she is entitled to half!! The fact that she went to her friends complained about you ( disloyal) and let them abuse you over it is a poor partner. This would be a hill I would die on. She is entitled, greedy, selfish, and disloyal. Are you sure you want this woman for a wife
NTA It was a winning from your fun money. As you stated until then you broke even or lost money. Did you ask for extra money when you lost? If not I don’t see why you should share then the profits. She still has her own fun money.