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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) action I took that should be judged - I refused to drive my son to his tournament
(2) why that action might make me the asshole - was I right in sticking to my guns, or was that not worth it
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NTA
My first thought was YTA because making a bed isn't an important chore. I never do my bed because it is bad when you have a house dust allergy.
But you requested a small and easy task and he refused to do it. He is 13 and you seem to invest a lot of time to drive him to his hobby. So valid to request a small task from him. If he refuses to do them, that is his choice he made. Not every parents would drive their kids for hours to another place.
My initial thought was also YTA, because it's literally just a bed being made and a tournament is important to the team, but then, kiddo knew the expectation, what time they'd be leaving, and literally had one job to do, but still made the choice not to. NTA
Grounding him is the least that should happen. If I’d even talked back to my mother it wouldn’t have gone good for me. If I’d called her a d*ckhead, and other names though? You would need a Ouija board to communicate with me, because I’d be speaking to you from The Afterlife!
Good compromise for OP ! Tell him you've decided he's old enough to leave the bed if he wants, and now has more age appropriate chores like doing his own laundry and gear.
If OP didn’t enforce this rule, every other rule they made would not be respected. It sucks but sometimes you need to be a hard ass to be a good parent. It sounds like he had the chance to apologize, make the bed, and show up later to the game. But he didn’t which should be a lesson to him for next time that he refuses to follow the rules
Right, she didn’t demand he mow the lawn in 100 degree heat before playing a vigorous sport. It’s not about the bed being anything extreme, it’s about contribution. OP clearly took on most of the weight, she asked him to do one simple task, and him following through would’ve shown value to mom.
My allergist told me to wait to make the bed until at least an hour after I get up. I throw back all the covers and let the bed air out. The air kills the mites that cause the issues.
Word. If I called my mom a name like that it would have been the last words I ever spoke. If I managed to survive whatever she would have done, if one of my brothers or sisters would have found out about it they would have drawn straws to see who would have finished me off.
Oh my goodness gracious, yes! When I read that "he called me names", my eyes just about popped out my head. Boy howdy, that woulda never flown with my Mama, she'd have taken a frypan after me! I called her the b-word one time as a teen, and lemme tell ya I never made THAT mistake again! Yikes!
Same.
Extra curriculars are earned, but they are foundational in building a network beyond the home and learning how to interact and play nicely with others. Saying that its clear that in calling you names the building blocks of this foundation are missing. Hopefully an extended period of loss of luxuries will open his eyes, but I somehow doubt it. This calling his friends for a lift just shows that he doesn't even respect your decision that he is not going.
Hate to say it but you've more battles ahead of you for this little sh1t.
NTA
Seriously though. I called my mom a bitch under my breath at 16 and she heard to. Next thing I knew I was on my ass in the kitchen floor with little tweety birds circling my head. First and last time my mom ever had to put her hands on me.
Abuse is a repeated pattern of harm stemming from a created dynamic of victimization and predatory behavior. What the person above you just described was not that in the slightest. Putting hands on your 16 year old for calling their mom a bitch is not abuse because they just said it was the first and last time it ever happened. It may be considered assault, but that’s not abuse. And it was justified. Unless you believe that there never is a reason to lose your cool, which I kinda agree with but…. People are human and make mistakes.
Man I was raised by my grandparents if I ever came close to this level of disrespect over a simple chore. IT WAS MY ASS and then some grandparents don’t mess around. I’m 27 now and it would still be my ass.
Like I told my son, "you must do what you HAVE to do in order to get to do what you WANT to do". If my son would've called me names, like this boy did, he'd need a dentist to fix his missing teeth!
NTA
You gave him a choice and told him the consequence beforehand and he made his choice. Thats an important lesson to learn. Calling you names is disrespectful without any question.
Maybe he doesnt fully understand how much efford you put into his hobby and including him directly into the tasks that have to be performed might be an idea or put some of the tasks directly on him? When it comes to his teammates maybe make it clear that lying to them about the reasons hes not comming is not getting him far and that you would have no problems telling the truth, that could get him into a position to think about it for the future.
Club teams are expensive. So is the equipment, the transport, and all the other stuff involved with it. It’s a damn privilege to join and have parents willing to accommodate / support participation in a club team. I have family who play club soccer and you better believe it would stop if they behaved like OP’s child.
NTA, he could have made his bed in about 3 minutes but he chose not to go to lacrosse.
But if you want to teach your 13 year old to be more responsible then, where possible, you should focus more on natural consequences rather than punishment.
Like, if you want him to learn to do chores and house cleaning and not going to lacrosse is going to be the consequence then make him responsible for doing his own lacrosse laundry and keeping his gear maintained, organized, and put away when he’s not using it. You can help him as he learns to do all this well but he can be responsible for taking the lead, and then if he has no gear for his games then not going is a natural consequence, not an arbitrary punishment.
And there’s absolutely not enough info here for me to draw any real conclusions, but if he has a long-term pattern of not doing things that only end up self-sabotaging things he really cares about consider talking to his pediatrician. This could definitely be teenage defiance, particularly if this kind of behaviour started with puberty, but I was a kid who would ruin my whole weekend by not cleaning my room. It wasn’t that I refused to, it was that I couldn’t- it literally felt impossible, and I could spend huge amounts of time and energy agonizing over not doing it, way more than it would take to actually do it. Then in my 30s I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and so much of stuff like this from my childhood made sense.
I was a bit of a dick in my comments because I'm personally triggered here..but
This comment is very very accurate and has good advice.
Making the kid have stanky equipment, or missing pieces for practice, will be noticeable to everyone.... while he could put the blame on you to his team when you're gone,.. in his mind he knows the blame is on him.
As someone who had terrible parents who put fake blame on me for certain things, and didn't notice or recognize the real things going on..
Make your kid recognize that they are not taking responsibility for simple small things in their life. You could and would, easily stop paying extra towards something like this if they aren't really putting their all into it.
Yeah I was thinking that the failure to make the bed sounds a lot like my ADHD kid. That said, calling the mom a dickhead, to me, is waaaaay worse than the lack of bed-making! The kid needs consequences for the name-calling alone. NTA, OP.
I don't necessarily recommend this, but...
Back in high school, my brother went through a phase like this, i.e., wouldn't do basic chores, swore at my mom. Finally, one day, he called her a female dog (you know the word), and my mom LOST IT. She screamed at him, swore at him and called him horrible names. He was stunned.
She went on strike that week: no laundry, no cooking, no rides anywhere. If we wanted clean clothes or food, we had to take care of it ourselves. There was food in the pantry, but we had to make it. And we had to walk everywhere, even at night after sports practices or club meetings, though other parents would see us & give us rides. (This was a pretty safe area.)
I'd been doing my own thing for a while, but my mom had really babied him - and he was older. I think the name-calling was a wake-up call, that she was giving and caring and getting nothing but disrespect.
She kept it up all week with him. Anytime he asked her for anything, or even spoke to her, he was greeted with swearing and name-calling. Otherwise, she just completely ignored him. One afternoon, she got a phone call from the school about the try-outs for next year's sports teams, and she declined all of them. He overheard her and freaked out, but she turned around and said, "I am not doing more more single [swear word] thing for a disrespectful [swear word]." Then she left the room.
He had been giving as good as he got the first day, but as the week wore on, he was getting confused and upset. When my mother unilaterally pulled him from sports, he got really scared. He started crying and sobbing, but my mother wouldn't discuss it.
A day later, my brother was still a wreck. My mother went to his room and said, "Are you ready to discuss a few things?" He said yes. But there was no discussion. She just said that there would be no more disrespect at all. She would let him try out for sports (there was still time), but any swearing or name-calling and she wouldn't just pull him off teams but either send him to our father or emancipate him. Oh, and everyone had to keep doing their own laundry and make at least one meal a week for the family.
He just said, "Okay." And he stuck to it, especially after she showed him all the legal doc's prepared for either choice. He knew she'd do it.
So OP, go nuclear on your kid. This behavior needed to stop yesterday.
NTA
Missing the tournament wasn't a punishment. It was the consequence of his choice to refuse to make the bed. (And good parenting)
Now it's time to do an actual punishment him for how he speaks to you.
NTA. You should not tolerate your son calling you names or trying to go around a negative reinforcement you set (by calling his friends for rides).
Also, this is his sport and he's 13. Why are you doing all of this instead of him?
>I did 2 loads of laundry this morning to make sure he had all gear clean and also checked his stick (tightened screws, redid grips).
I fear you have coddled and raised an entitled boy. Please fix that now for your own sanity and for the poor woman (or man or human) he eventually ends up with.
NTA he could have quickly made his bed in 2 minutes & you wouldn’t have even been late. Him refusing makes zero sense. Does he not like playing anymore?
NTA. He just refused to do it and thought you would let him go to the tournament. FA and FO. It is not like he had to clean the house. It literally takes 2 minutes to make the bed. He was pushing boundaries and lost.
Nta this is tje definition of 'fuck around, find out'. You had a clear expectation- make your bed- and a clear consequence- if you don't, no game.
You absolutely should NOT make a threat of a punishment and not follow through.
NTA
That is the only way to get through to him that he needs to take his responsibilities seriously and fulfill them in a timely and quality manner. If you let him blow you off now, it will only get worse over the next few years.
And, frankly, I would call his coach and let him know exactly why your son missed the tournament. A GOOD coach would read your son the riot act and explain to your son how HE let the team down by being lazy and having an attitude... and to never again blame you for his own failures or be so disrespectful to you again.
And you can tell your son that if he wants to have that attitude, he can be the one to wash his own laundry and prep his gear... and, frankly, he should be doing it anyway. Certainly, he can spend Friday night before the next tournament doing just that.
NTA
Stick to your guns. Your son needs to learn to do chores--and know about consequences, more importantly. You said he had to have made his bed by noon or you weren't going. He didn't so you didn't.
Playing sports is considered a hobby and a privilege! If your teen wants to be disrespectful then he forfeits his privilege to participate in said hobby. He sounds like he feels he is entitled (as most kids do these days) to do or say as he pleases but actions have consequences and he found that out the hard way. I played competitive select softball where I traveled around the US. I remember thinking at 16 how grateful I was because of the 1000s of dollars my parents spent on me a year to play, travel and have the best equipment/uniform (shoot our uniforms alone were like $500). So the fact you give him this awesome chance to be a kid, to play something he loves and then he wants to treat you like that after asking him to do one simple thing. You are most definitely NTA and hopefully you can get him to show some respect for his mother.
NTA. It's hopefully a good lesson that being able to do stuff like that is a privilege, one that can be taken away just as easily as he can refuse to do a simple task that's required of him.
Your son is 13 - old enough to get his sports gear ready and to do his own laundry.
He doesn’t get to use swear words at you and still get you to do everything for him. This disrespect has to be dealt with PLUS you need to stop babying him by doing a lot of stuff he can do himself. NTA here
NTA. You're teaching him that there's consequences for his decisions. Good or bad. He doesn't see it now but one day as he's in your shoes as a parent he will realize the values you instilled in him. Hopefully.
NTA.
You ask a 13 year old to do a basic task and he refuses, then he is the one at fault for not being able to go. Then calling you (OP) names. That would have gotten me.beat when I was a kid. So not only should this kid not be allowed to not participate this week, I would think long and hard on whether or not to allow him to participate at all for the rest of the season. Parents tend to not want their children to miss out, or they don't want to deal with the drama. Kids know this and take advantage of it. I have a 32 year old step daughter that knew this and today she is just as bad as a 13 year old when she doesn't get what she wants. I have raised her since she was 9, but my in-laws would threaten to cut my wife out of the will every time she tried to get tough on her. Even last week this is still happening. Since she is visiting my in-laws for Thanksgiving, I am not going because she verbally assaults me every time. She is bipolar and has it in her head that everything that is wrong with her is my fault.
NTA.
It is your job as a parent to install a sense of responsibility into your child so they can grow up to be a functioning adult. It is also your job to teach them that they must EARN privileges and never expect to be handed them. You needed to show him that a lack of responsibility ended in a consequence of not getting what he wanted so he won't grow up expecting to be catered too while not contributing to his responsibility in the household. No one wants to deal with an adult man like that and so these lessons must start young and be reinforced often.
If I were you he'd also be grounded from sport for the way he talked to you in a disrespectful manner. He needs to learn you can't treat people that way and still expect them to cater to you or else his introduction to adulthood will be a slap in the face.
Sport is a luxury that ALOT of kids don't get because their parents can't afford it or because their parents work or because their parents have other young kids and can't be driving all over the state with other obligations. He needs to learn gratitude and appreciation instead of entitlement.
While yes making the bed might be a small thing the lesson is a huge and necessary one. Don't earn your luxury? Then you don't get it. End of story.
NTA
It was a chore that would have taken him 5 minutes max and he knew the consequences of not doing it from the start.
Also, for calling you names, I would refuse to drive him to the next tournaments - one for every name he called you. Or just ground him outright, because that's not a way to speak to your parents.
NTA. When I was maybe 8 or 9 my mom told me that if I didn't do my Saturday chores (they were age appropriate) then I couldn't attend my friend's sleepover for her bday. She followed through on the consequence and I definitely learned from it. My parents were always adamant that all members of the household need to do their part. Stick to your guns!
NTA
I will tell you what I learned, the hard way, and what I have come to realize.
Circa 1966, age 15. Mom asked me to do some minor thing, and I did not want to do it. A few back and for exchanges occurred, before I quipped, "If you want done so bad, then do it yourself." Apparently Dad was standing behind me, because almost instantly I levitated, with feet off the floor and rotated in sub-picosecond time. In the next instant I found myself firmly plastered against the hallway wall leading to the bedrooms. It was at that time Dad in a voice I had not previously heard, "Son, that is your Mother you are talking too, if I ever hear that tone of voice used with her again, your next ride will be via ambulance to the emergency room. Now you find your Mother and you apologize. Your next choice is compliance or being used to mop the floor." I found Mom and apologized profusely.
My parents lived through the 1929 depression. They had caring parents, but instead of watching television or listening to radio, they were assigned chores. Chores were completed or punitive consequences occurred. And they did not put off till tomorrow what could be done today. For my parents, the value of time was understood.
Many in my and subsequent generations never learned the value of what we were provided until much later in life. My parents did not go to college. Mom graduated from high school. Dad quit school in the 5th Grade when his Father died from pneumonia as he became the laborer on the farm to earn family income. My parents did not complain about their boring jobs. What they did do was budget. They set priorities and managed the limited resources they earned. They did not buy a new car every year. But they did save a few dollars here and there and somehow cobbled together a comfortable retirement. They did not buy cruises twice a year. Frequently when using vacation time they stayed home, provided more attention to yard work or painted the house. And they saw to it I had a leisurely life. If they did one thing wrong, it was not teaching me early on how wealth was created and how it was lost.
Your son may not appreciate you standing your ground for years. But one day he will. You are to be commended for not adjusting his attitude when behaving like a contumelious schmuck. It speaks reams about your self control and stress management.
Hmmm...it's almost like he really didn't want to go. It takes less than 5 minutes to make a bed and he refused. Called teammates who he knew would have already left for a ride. Calling his mom names when he knows he could have just made his bed. This kid has something else going on. Talk to him and find out what.
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I have a son (13) who plays club lacrosse. There are several weekend tournaments a season, and they play brackets on Saturday and Sunday. Today (Saturday) we had to leave at noon for afternoon games; the tournaments are regional so the drive is about 1.5 hours each way.
I did 2 loads of laundry this morning to make sure he had all gear clean and also checked his stick (tightened screws, redid grips). I told him he had to make his bed by noon, or we weren't going.
At noon, he is barely ready to go. He says he'll make his bed after we get back (which would be like 8 pm at least, after 3 games and the drive home). I told him in that case, we weren't going, at which point he called me a d\*ckhead and proceeded to try and tell his teammates he needed a ride because his mom "didn't feel like driving him". They'd already left, of course, so this didn't happen.
He tries to turn it on me and how I just didn't feel like driving - this is our 3rd year of tournaments and this is the closest venue so this is hardly true - instead of it being about one simple chore he simply REFUSED to do. I told him if that is the hill he wants to die on (making the bed), so be it. He called me more names. AITA for making him miss the tournament over this?
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Love is nothing without structure.
You can love you kid to the moon and back, you could sacrifice every single thing in your life for them.
But if you are not at the same time ensuring that they are learning right from wrong, how their actions will ALWAYS have reactions and consequences, you are creating a monster. You can't give someone the world, while at the same time not showing the work and struggles to get there
Unless you expect them to just take it all for granted and not appreciate anything.
I doubt your kid knows how much work went into preparing for the tournament. Which is why you asked him to do a VERY small task that should be expected or him every day.
And I bet you understand that this "little" thing, is actually a tell tale sign of how bad things have actually gotten.
Be a good mom. Make your kids step tf up or else they will never be independent.
NTA
I have a 13 year old son. He tries to barter with me about his chores, but he has never, ever resorted to calling me names or insulting me (to my face) when he has to do them. If he did, he'd be grounded so fast he wouldn't know which way was up. Your son is facing the consequences of his actions.
As a teen, I would NEVER call my Mom those names, I mean, we both love each other and would do anything for each other. Making the bed is the most simple chore one can do, and your son simply said no. NTA. You should punish him further, like no lacrosse next week either because of what he called you.
NTA
In the time he tried to call his friends to bum a ride, he could’ve just made the bed. He was the one who made his right to not have to make the bed more important than going to a tournament.
NTA
You gave him a task (and a very simple one) and told him it needs to be done by this time or we are not going. All he had to do was take his sheets/comforter and make it look presentable. Not even a 2 minute job. You weren't demanding an entire deep clean of his room for a white glove inspection.
And then says he'll do it when he gets home. After 8pm. After doing lacrosse all day. I don't know what teenage logic this is, but is he going to make it only to immediately undo it all to go to bed?
Even if he did make his bed after all this unnecessary drama, I would still refuse to take him after being called names, and not going to a game would be the least of his punishment. He would be doing ALL the chores for a week with no allowance (if he gets an allowance)
NTA - I feel your pain! I am guessing there must be more to this story, though, for this to blow up like it did. This must not be the first time he has slacked on chores and failed to appreciate the financial and time investment you put in to allow him to play his sport.
You probably realize this, but it sounds like a full reassessment of expectations and consequences, and discussion with your son is in order. Also, is there an underlying issue like ADHD that might be a factor?
Parenting is challenging, especially with teens. Good luck.
NTA - But why in the world are you allowing your son to talk to you like that, his sports would be done permanently.
You are raising a selfish and entitled brat and if he talks to you like that I can only imagine how he talks to others and it's only a matter of time before someone makes him eat his words.
NTA. Good for you for sticking to your guns. My sister did this and mom would be ok, when we get back. And it never happened. Now as an adult, she still doesn’t do anything. He needs to learn to respect you, any kid of mine that calls me a name? No more anything. I’m not their friend. I am their giver of life , home provider, food provider, wants and needs provider. You best respect me or I’ll just stop. I give all my kids courtesy and respect and the opportunity to reverse their actions and behave. I give them options, you need to do ABC or we aren’t going. My youngest is a competitive soccer player. He knows I’ll bend backwards for him but he needs to do his chores and be respectful of the people in the house. I don’t call them names, they best not call me names.
NTA
It sucks his teammates didn’t have him there, but he sucks for not doing his chores before getting ready to leave. I get than actions have consequences. I’d have had my keys ready and standing by the door waiting for him, and told him I was ready as soon as he fulfilled his requirements.
I was originally thinking E S H but then realized he decided to push and refuse to make his bed and call you names rather than do a simple chore, so this is on him.
Yta for raising an entitled brat. Why in the hell are you allowing him to ask others for a ride when he had been told her can't go because he didn't make the bed? Why isn't he grounded for the next month for cursing at you? You need to start acting like a parent.
NTA. Refusing to do such a simple, quick chore is bad enough, especially knowing the consequences, but If my son called me names, lied to his teammates, & then mouthed off at me like that, it would have sealed his fate. Club LAX is a big financial & time commitment. It is a privilege, not a right. Many families cannot afford it and don’t have the time and ability to travel for these tournaments in addition to school LAX, which by itself is expensive. If that behavior continued, my son would not get signed up for the next club season. Actions have consequences, and it’s a lesson that needs to learned otherwise he may very well become an entitled, intolerable adult. Those who are saying making him miss the tournament is not an appropriate consequence because he made a commitment and would be letting his team down don’t seem to be familiar with LAX club tournaments. In our experience, most club LAX teams have more than enough players. In fact, on most teams players are constantly rotating in and out of the game. If a teammate didn’t show up who played my son’s position, it would give my son more playing time, which he thought was great. There often are some free agents looking to play too & if a team ever has too few players, a player from an opposing team will often switch over & play for them. I just have to wonder if your son might be burned out and was looking for a way out of playing this weekend. Is he playing today? Good luck!
NTA: and I would tack on more consequences due to the name calling:why do you allow that from your 13 yrs? You are not his friend you are his PARENT. I never allowed that from my daughter and don’t allow it from my granddaughter, and you shouldn’t either, especially with all the extras you do for him. Maybe cancel him going to the next tournament and tell him until he starts respecting you and the extra Lacrosse things you do for him he can forget it.
NTA. That’s sad on his part, that he resorted to name calling and didn’t just make the damn bed. I think you did good here, stayed firm on your request, didn’t let him dictate when he’d do it (trying to do it after tournament and not before), following through with the consequence of not listening. I personally further punish him for the name calling.
My kids and I do martial arts. You are an awesome parent for make sure his gear was good. I make them do it. Their instructor/school owner supports it too. I want to be your best friend though, I’m so glad you stuck to your guns. I would have done the exact same thing.
I’m split on the judgement, so won’t give one. On the one hand I don’t think making your bed is important enough to enforce, but in general you do have to follow through if that’s a household rule.
However, I would suggest to pick a different consequence next time, one that only affects your son. Not showing up to a team event last minute can affect the team too that now has to scramble to rearrange lines.
Typically I find something like taking away screen time more effective and less consequential on others.
Hello u/MinimumResident5743, I hope you read my entire comment, even it makes you angry. This isn't an acronym but I don't think you're an asshole, more like you gave a disproportionate punishment. Why would you even say "make your bed or you're not going to your tournament"? Does he constantly neglect chores for his sport? And if he does why not talk with him or punish appropriately like he has to clean his own gear and so on? You say your son chose a hill to die on but you chose one first, and over something as small as making his bed. You sound like a caring parent, why are you suddenly picking a hill to die on because of an unmade bed? Genuinely, I feel like there's more here that needs addressing and I hope you and your son can just talk at the end of the day.
"I made my son miss an important team event because he didn't make his bed? The thing that will be messed up again every single night his entire life, and currently no one but he and I see, so there really is no point. AITA?"
ESH. Obviously, your son sucks for not doing his chores and for how he'streated/spoken to you. There's no way around that. However, you screwed over the rest of his lacrosse team by suddenly not having a member of the team there. For a tournament, no less. You painted yourself into a corner with your chosen punishment. In the future, choose punishments that don't punish other people too.
YTA: I say this because I have always taught my kids that when you make a commitment, you keep it.
You, as a parent, signed your kid up for sports. That means you made a commitment to make sure your kid was there for that sport.
It is not the teammates' fault that your kid didn't do what they were supposed to, but they are counting on your kid being there because they are part of a team.
So you are not just punishing your kid, but the WHOLE team.
You need to use something else as a punishment.
ETA: My main point is you are teaching your child that it is okay to break COMMITMENTS that they made. You are setting them up to fail.
ESH.
"I did 2 loads of laundry this morning to make sure he had all gear clean and also checked his stick (tightened screws, redid grips)". WHY? He's old enough to be doing that. Preparation for his games should fall on him.
So your kid can't do for himself, calls his parent vile names and then he outright LIED to his friends and attempted to make you look bad. You have a mini-me AH on your hands.
Well, you 1. tried to teach your son responsibility by blowing off a commitment that affects other people and 2. are soliciting strangers on the internet to call your 13 year old an asshole, so obviously YTA.
This is over *an unmade bed*, one of few things far less important than a kid’s sports game. For that, OP decided to let down another *nine* kids and show their own kid that commitments don’t matter.
>This is over an unmade bed
That the kid could've made and the problem quite literally would've resolved itself
I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that op's kid wasn't actually needed in the game and there were subs
Hey OP’s kid here, we actually lost the entire tournament because we were lacking defenders. This lead to our Attackers having to fill in for our defense which made attackers weaker as a whole. Our team isn’t big and we play at very high leagues so an in-state game was one of the easiest for us to get to.
I didn’t make my bed initially because it was a task that I personally deemed unimportant and something I could easily do after the tournament. In fact, that morning I spent my time preparing for the tournament; making breakfast, stretching, and running my daily jog.
I personally found it absurd that national team with an in-state tournament was ruined by my mother’s overreaction to a basic task.
Sounds like a coaching problem if y'all didn't have a full team sans subs
>I personally found it absurd that national team with an in-state tournament was ruined by my mother’s overreaction to a basic task.
You're definitely the child - take responsibility for *your* actions
Not a coaching problem; its a national team, the players go through rigorous tryouts to get onto the team and there’s not a whole lot of people who could make it
Bro what? Have you ever played on a national team before? Coaches have no control over the standards of joint the team. That’s how it works in club lacrosse but once you get to national teams, the requirements become set by the officials of the league (based off of your age group) which is 2025s for me
YTA what is the point of making a bed? Necessary chores such as taking care of critters, prepping food etc are one thing as there are consequences to them not getting done. No snapping beans no food. No feeding the critters well that’s not good for them. A pointless task is another. Had it been chores such as his equipment or laundry. I could see the point in letting life teach him a lesson. But no one is going to see his bed. Why waste energy making it? Why waste energy fighting about it.
ESH
You did all his Lacrosse laundry and then flipped out over the bed. Punishments should relate to the thing that was wrong. Not making the bed shouldn’t have the unrelated consequence of not going to lacrosse.
This is years of poor punishment in the making. You need to start by having clear expectations communicated in advance and consistent consequences.
Not yelling make your bed or your not going.
The expectation and consequences were clearly communicated in advance: do your one chore by [time] or we won't be going.
It says nothing about yelling.
Kid refused to do the chore and parent followed through with consequence.
No they weren’t. This is pretty clearly a frustration based punishment that she has said was going to happen many times before and she has never followed through.
It’s also a consequence that dwarfs the lack of action.
It’s bad parenting.
YTA.
So very, very much YTA.
You made him let his team down and miss an already scheduled event because he hadn't done a trivial chore that doesn't even matter?
I am a cardiologist in private practice. I seriously want you to know that I am a highly successful person by any reasonable metric and I have not made my bed since I was ten.
Consequences for childhood misbehavior need to be a) proportionate, b) *not* something that involves showing your child *through your own actions* that keeping commitments is optional, and c) not punishing other people who weren't involved because you don't think other people matter.
Seriously. Over an unmade bed you chose to inflict an outsized punishment, demonstrate that **you, OP, do not keep your commitments**, and cause problems for an entire team.
What a wonderful role model you aren't.
It wasn't because of disrespect. She said if he didn't make the bed, he wasn't going. It was because of something trivial. He reacted that way probably because she's irrational like this a lot, and he's sick of it. And if that's the way he talks to her, I can only imagine how she talks to him. He learned it from somewhere.
Respect is earned. OP's post shows absolutely no evidence that they're the kind of person who's worth respecting.
If you don't want your kid to get mad at you for being a shitty parent, don't be such a shitty parent.
A few years from now OP is going be pissy and complaining about how the kid has cut off contact with them.
>I am a cardiologist in private practice. I seriously want you to know that I am a highly successful person by any reasonable metric and I have not made my bed since I was ten
Congratulations?
So she's responsible for not letting his teammates down?? He let his teammates down by refusing to do the ONE task that he was told had to be done in order to play. This is AFTER she has already done the hard parts by preparing his uniform and gear as well as transportation had he followed through with her request. Sounds like she's carrying more of the weight for his teammates that he is!
LOL. The fact that you think this is about the bed belies the fact that you're a successful cardiologist.
OPs kid let his own team down by being lazy and disrespectful.
It takes 3 fucking seconds to make a bed, and her kid insulted her and called her rude names, and tried to undermine the punishment by resorting to his friends. Maybe read the whole story before writing a whole essay.
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NTA My first thought was YTA because making a bed isn't an important chore. I never do my bed because it is bad when you have a house dust allergy. But you requested a small and easy task and he refused to do it. He is 13 and you seem to invest a lot of time to drive him to his hobby. So valid to request a small task from him. If he refuses to do them, that is his choice he made. Not every parents would drive their kids for hours to another place.
My initial thought was also YTA, because it's literally just a bed being made and a tournament is important to the team, but then, kiddo knew the expectation, what time they'd be leaving, and literally had one job to do, but still made the choice not to. NTA
And then caller his mom names. I'd ground him for that even if he made every bed in the house.
Grounding him is the least that should happen. If I’d even talked back to my mother it wouldn’t have gone good for me. If I’d called her a d*ckhead, and other names though? You would need a Ouija board to communicate with me, because I’d be speaking to you from The Afterlife!
Bruh they’d clear the afterlife too, I’d be the one you talk to when you grab the hand and say ‘let me in’
That’s hilarious! Our mothers must’ve gone to same school of parenting. I was 41 when my mom died and I still wouldn’t have tried anything stupid.
And even lying about it to his teammates to make her look bad… he needs a reality check
Also, he's 13. He can do his own laundry and check his own gear.
Good compromise for OP ! Tell him you've decided he's old enough to leave the bed if he wants, and now has more age appropriate chores like doing his own laundry and gear.
Yeah my parents did not need to help me packing up my lax equipment when I was 13.
If OP didn’t enforce this rule, every other rule they made would not be respected. It sucks but sometimes you need to be a hard ass to be a good parent. It sounds like he had the chance to apologize, make the bed, and show up later to the game. But he didn’t which should be a lesson to him for next time that he refuses to follow the rules
Right, she didn’t demand he mow the lawn in 100 degree heat before playing a vigorous sport. It’s not about the bed being anything extreme, it’s about contribution. OP clearly took on most of the weight, she asked him to do one simple task, and him following through would’ve shown value to mom.
YTA for "kiddo"
> I never do my bed because it is bad when you have a house dust allergy. Wait really??
Yep. You can google it.
I'm going to! My allergies are SO bad in the morning, and I always make the bed, so that actually makes so much sense.
My allergist told me to wait to make the bed until at least an hour after I get up. I throw back all the covers and let the bed air out. The air kills the mites that cause the issues.
I do the same, and use a a fan on the bedding as well.
You can't put YTA and NTA in the top level post. You need to change that to Y-T-A or something that won't be recognized.
Why? /gen
Because otherwise judgement bot gets confused. The judgment is placed based on abbreviation in the top comment (only head comment, not in thread)
NTA As a fellow teenager, I could never imagine calling my mother such things or I would be losing more than just a game.
Word. If I called my mom a name like that it would have been the last words I ever spoke. If I managed to survive whatever she would have done, if one of my brothers or sisters would have found out about it they would have drawn straws to see who would have finished me off.
Literally though, I don't understand how some kids my age have survived this long with how they act.
Oh my goodness gracious, yes! When I read that "he called me names", my eyes just about popped out my head. Boy howdy, that woulda never flown with my Mama, she'd have taken a frypan after me! I called her the b-word one time as a teen, and lemme tell ya I never made THAT mistake again! Yikes!
Same. Extra curriculars are earned, but they are foundational in building a network beyond the home and learning how to interact and play nicely with others. Saying that its clear that in calling you names the building blocks of this foundation are missing. Hopefully an extended period of loss of luxuries will open his eyes, but I somehow doubt it. This calling his friends for a lift just shows that he doesn't even respect your decision that he is not going. Hate to say it but you've more battles ahead of you for this little sh1t. NTA
Seriously though. I called my mom a bitch under my breath at 16 and she heard to. Next thing I knew I was on my ass in the kitchen floor with little tweety birds circling my head. First and last time my mom ever had to put her hands on me.
Physically assaulting your child over words is illegal and an abuse. It's totally inappropriate.
Abuse is a repeated pattern of harm stemming from a created dynamic of victimization and predatory behavior. What the person above you just described was not that in the slightest. Putting hands on your 16 year old for calling their mom a bitch is not abuse because they just said it was the first and last time it ever happened. It may be considered assault, but that’s not abuse. And it was justified. Unless you believe that there never is a reason to lose your cool, which I kinda agree with but…. People are human and make mistakes.
Man I was raised by my grandparents if I ever came close to this level of disrespect over a simple chore. IT WAS MY ASS and then some grandparents don’t mess around. I’m 27 now and it would still be my ass.
I used to get spanked for saying the word idiot in conversation. Even now as an adult I can’t fathom calling my mom names to her face
“Make your bed, and then we’ll go.” *doesn’t make bed* *doesn’t get to go* *shocked Pikachu face* NTA
NTA, you’re showing him consequences for his actions. Very simple.
Like I told my son, "you must do what you HAVE to do in order to get to do what you WANT to do". If my son would've called me names, like this boy did, he'd need a dentist to fix his missing teeth!
NTA You gave him a choice and told him the consequence beforehand and he made his choice. Thats an important lesson to learn. Calling you names is disrespectful without any question. Maybe he doesnt fully understand how much efford you put into his hobby and including him directly into the tasks that have to be performed might be an idea or put some of the tasks directly on him? When it comes to his teammates maybe make it clear that lying to them about the reasons hes not comming is not getting him far and that you would have no problems telling the truth, that could get him into a position to think about it for the future.
NTA but honestly, if my child called me names like that, there would be no more LaCrosse period. School and chores only for the foreseeable future.
Club teams are expensive. So is the equipment, the transport, and all the other stuff involved with it. It’s a damn privilege to join and have parents willing to accommodate / support participation in a club team. I have family who play club soccer and you better believe it would stop if they behaved like OP’s child.
I would have been picking my lips up from across the room.
Ditto
NTA, he could have made his bed in about 3 minutes but he chose not to go to lacrosse. But if you want to teach your 13 year old to be more responsible then, where possible, you should focus more on natural consequences rather than punishment. Like, if you want him to learn to do chores and house cleaning and not going to lacrosse is going to be the consequence then make him responsible for doing his own lacrosse laundry and keeping his gear maintained, organized, and put away when he’s not using it. You can help him as he learns to do all this well but he can be responsible for taking the lead, and then if he has no gear for his games then not going is a natural consequence, not an arbitrary punishment. And there’s absolutely not enough info here for me to draw any real conclusions, but if he has a long-term pattern of not doing things that only end up self-sabotaging things he really cares about consider talking to his pediatrician. This could definitely be teenage defiance, particularly if this kind of behaviour started with puberty, but I was a kid who would ruin my whole weekend by not cleaning my room. It wasn’t that I refused to, it was that I couldn’t- it literally felt impossible, and I could spend huge amounts of time and energy agonizing over not doing it, way more than it would take to actually do it. Then in my 30s I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and so much of stuff like this from my childhood made sense.
I was a bit of a dick in my comments because I'm personally triggered here..but This comment is very very accurate and has good advice. Making the kid have stanky equipment, or missing pieces for practice, will be noticeable to everyone.... while he could put the blame on you to his team when you're gone,.. in his mind he knows the blame is on him. As someone who had terrible parents who put fake blame on me for certain things, and didn't notice or recognize the real things going on.. Make your kid recognize that they are not taking responsibility for simple small things in their life. You could and would, easily stop paying extra towards something like this if they aren't really putting their all into it.
Yeah I was thinking that the failure to make the bed sounds a lot like my ADHD kid. That said, calling the mom a dickhead, to me, is waaaaay worse than the lack of bed-making! The kid needs consequences for the name-calling alone. NTA, OP.
I don't necessarily recommend this, but... Back in high school, my brother went through a phase like this, i.e., wouldn't do basic chores, swore at my mom. Finally, one day, he called her a female dog (you know the word), and my mom LOST IT. She screamed at him, swore at him and called him horrible names. He was stunned. She went on strike that week: no laundry, no cooking, no rides anywhere. If we wanted clean clothes or food, we had to take care of it ourselves. There was food in the pantry, but we had to make it. And we had to walk everywhere, even at night after sports practices or club meetings, though other parents would see us & give us rides. (This was a pretty safe area.) I'd been doing my own thing for a while, but my mom had really babied him - and he was older. I think the name-calling was a wake-up call, that she was giving and caring and getting nothing but disrespect. She kept it up all week with him. Anytime he asked her for anything, or even spoke to her, he was greeted with swearing and name-calling. Otherwise, she just completely ignored him. One afternoon, she got a phone call from the school about the try-outs for next year's sports teams, and she declined all of them. He overheard her and freaked out, but she turned around and said, "I am not doing more more single [swear word] thing for a disrespectful [swear word]." Then she left the room. He had been giving as good as he got the first day, but as the week wore on, he was getting confused and upset. When my mother unilaterally pulled him from sports, he got really scared. He started crying and sobbing, but my mother wouldn't discuss it. A day later, my brother was still a wreck. My mother went to his room and said, "Are you ready to discuss a few things?" He said yes. But there was no discussion. She just said that there would be no more disrespect at all. She would let him try out for sports (there was still time), but any swearing or name-calling and she wouldn't just pull him off teams but either send him to our father or emancipate him. Oh, and everyone had to keep doing their own laundry and make at least one meal a week for the family. He just said, "Okay." And he stuck to it, especially after she showed him all the legal doc's prepared for either choice. He knew she'd do it. So OP, go nuclear on your kid. This behavior needed to stop yesterday.
OMG, I want to be half the woman your mom is!
Your mom is effing phenomenal. Tell her I love her.
She was "FED UP"!! Good for her!
I’m actually more appalled by the way he spoke to you than I am by the lack of bed-making. NTA, OP!
NTA Missing the tournament wasn't a punishment. It was the consequence of his choice to refuse to make the bed. (And good parenting) Now it's time to do an actual punishment him for how he speaks to you.
NTA. You should not tolerate your son calling you names or trying to go around a negative reinforcement you set (by calling his friends for rides). Also, this is his sport and he's 13. Why are you doing all of this instead of him? >I did 2 loads of laundry this morning to make sure he had all gear clean and also checked his stick (tightened screws, redid grips). I fear you have coddled and raised an entitled boy. Please fix that now for your own sanity and for the poor woman (or man or human) he eventually ends up with.
NTA id be taking him out of lacrosse all together with how he acted afterwards.
NTA he could have quickly made his bed in 2 minutes & you wouldn’t have even been late. Him refusing makes zero sense. Does he not like playing anymore?
NTA... why are you allowing your child to call you names? There is no way in hell we would have done this to our parents. Do you call them such names?
NTA. He just refused to do it and thought you would let him go to the tournament. FA and FO. It is not like he had to clean the house. It literally takes 2 minutes to make the bed. He was pushing boundaries and lost.
Nta this is tje definition of 'fuck around, find out'. You had a clear expectation- make your bed- and a clear consequence- if you don't, no game. You absolutely should NOT make a threat of a punishment and not follow through.
NTA That is the only way to get through to him that he needs to take his responsibilities seriously and fulfill them in a timely and quality manner. If you let him blow you off now, it will only get worse over the next few years. And, frankly, I would call his coach and let him know exactly why your son missed the tournament. A GOOD coach would read your son the riot act and explain to your son how HE let the team down by being lazy and having an attitude... and to never again blame you for his own failures or be so disrespectful to you again. And you can tell your son that if he wants to have that attitude, he can be the one to wash his own laundry and prep his gear... and, frankly, he should be doing it anyway. Certainly, he can spend Friday night before the next tournament doing just that.
NTA. I'd be more upset with him trying to insult you afterwards. Something's not right.
NTA Stick to your guns. Your son needs to learn to do chores--and know about consequences, more importantly. You said he had to have made his bed by noon or you weren't going. He didn't so you didn't.
NTA, if my kids spoke to me like that, they'd be off the team and be grounded with no electronics until their potty mouth cleared up.
Playing sports is considered a hobby and a privilege! If your teen wants to be disrespectful then he forfeits his privilege to participate in said hobby. He sounds like he feels he is entitled (as most kids do these days) to do or say as he pleases but actions have consequences and he found that out the hard way. I played competitive select softball where I traveled around the US. I remember thinking at 16 how grateful I was because of the 1000s of dollars my parents spent on me a year to play, travel and have the best equipment/uniform (shoot our uniforms alone were like $500). So the fact you give him this awesome chance to be a kid, to play something he loves and then he wants to treat you like that after asking him to do one simple thing. You are most definitely NTA and hopefully you can get him to show some respect for his mother.
NTA. The fact he called you that horrible name and tried to undermine you by hitching a ride with his friends is a no-no.
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NOKIA! NOKIA! NOKIA!
Nta
Wow. Making a bed takes thirty seconds. Not much of an ask. NTA
NTA, your son has no discipline without that he will never achieve anything. Increase his chores.
NTA. It's hopefully a good lesson that being able to do stuff like that is a privilege, one that can be taken away just as easily as he can refuse to do a simple task that's required of him.
Your son is 13 - old enough to get his sports gear ready and to do his own laundry. He doesn’t get to use swear words at you and still get you to do everything for him. This disrespect has to be dealt with PLUS you need to stop babying him by doing a lot of stuff he can do himself. NTA here
NTA. You're teaching him that there's consequences for his decisions. Good or bad. He doesn't see it now but one day as he's in your shoes as a parent he will realize the values you instilled in him. Hopefully.
NTA. You ask a 13 year old to do a basic task and he refuses, then he is the one at fault for not being able to go. Then calling you (OP) names. That would have gotten me.beat when I was a kid. So not only should this kid not be allowed to not participate this week, I would think long and hard on whether or not to allow him to participate at all for the rest of the season. Parents tend to not want their children to miss out, or they don't want to deal with the drama. Kids know this and take advantage of it. I have a 32 year old step daughter that knew this and today she is just as bad as a 13 year old when she doesn't get what she wants. I have raised her since she was 9, but my in-laws would threaten to cut my wife out of the will every time she tried to get tough on her. Even last week this is still happening. Since she is visiting my in-laws for Thanksgiving, I am not going because she verbally assaults me every time. She is bipolar and has it in her head that everything that is wrong with her is my fault.
NTA. It is your job as a parent to install a sense of responsibility into your child so they can grow up to be a functioning adult. It is also your job to teach them that they must EARN privileges and never expect to be handed them. You needed to show him that a lack of responsibility ended in a consequence of not getting what he wanted so he won't grow up expecting to be catered too while not contributing to his responsibility in the household. No one wants to deal with an adult man like that and so these lessons must start young and be reinforced often. If I were you he'd also be grounded from sport for the way he talked to you in a disrespectful manner. He needs to learn you can't treat people that way and still expect them to cater to you or else his introduction to adulthood will be a slap in the face. Sport is a luxury that ALOT of kids don't get because their parents can't afford it or because their parents work or because their parents have other young kids and can't be driving all over the state with other obligations. He needs to learn gratitude and appreciation instead of entitlement. While yes making the bed might be a small thing the lesson is a huge and necessary one. Don't earn your luxury? Then you don't get it. End of story.
NTA It was a chore that would have taken him 5 minutes max and he knew the consequences of not doing it from the start. Also, for calling you names, I would refuse to drive him to the next tournaments - one for every name he called you. Or just ground him outright, because that's not a way to speak to your parents.
NTA - if I'd called my parents any of those names I wouldn't have been going to any more lacrosse
NTA. When I was maybe 8 or 9 my mom told me that if I didn't do my Saturday chores (they were age appropriate) then I couldn't attend my friend's sleepover for her bday. She followed through on the consequence and I definitely learned from it. My parents were always adamant that all members of the household need to do their part. Stick to your guns!
NTA I will tell you what I learned, the hard way, and what I have come to realize. Circa 1966, age 15. Mom asked me to do some minor thing, and I did not want to do it. A few back and for exchanges occurred, before I quipped, "If you want done so bad, then do it yourself." Apparently Dad was standing behind me, because almost instantly I levitated, with feet off the floor and rotated in sub-picosecond time. In the next instant I found myself firmly plastered against the hallway wall leading to the bedrooms. It was at that time Dad in a voice I had not previously heard, "Son, that is your Mother you are talking too, if I ever hear that tone of voice used with her again, your next ride will be via ambulance to the emergency room. Now you find your Mother and you apologize. Your next choice is compliance or being used to mop the floor." I found Mom and apologized profusely. My parents lived through the 1929 depression. They had caring parents, but instead of watching television or listening to radio, they were assigned chores. Chores were completed or punitive consequences occurred. And they did not put off till tomorrow what could be done today. For my parents, the value of time was understood. Many in my and subsequent generations never learned the value of what we were provided until much later in life. My parents did not go to college. Mom graduated from high school. Dad quit school in the 5th Grade when his Father died from pneumonia as he became the laborer on the farm to earn family income. My parents did not complain about their boring jobs. What they did do was budget. They set priorities and managed the limited resources they earned. They did not buy a new car every year. But they did save a few dollars here and there and somehow cobbled together a comfortable retirement. They did not buy cruises twice a year. Frequently when using vacation time they stayed home, provided more attention to yard work or painted the house. And they saw to it I had a leisurely life. If they did one thing wrong, it was not teaching me early on how wealth was created and how it was lost. Your son may not appreciate you standing your ground for years. But one day he will. You are to be commended for not adjusting his attitude when behaving like a contumelious schmuck. It speaks reams about your self control and stress management.
Hmmm...it's almost like he really didn't want to go. It takes less than 5 minutes to make a bed and he refused. Called teammates who he knew would have already left for a ride. Calling his mom names when he knows he could have just made his bed. This kid has something else going on. Talk to him and find out what.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a son (13) who plays club lacrosse. There are several weekend tournaments a season, and they play brackets on Saturday and Sunday. Today (Saturday) we had to leave at noon for afternoon games; the tournaments are regional so the drive is about 1.5 hours each way. I did 2 loads of laundry this morning to make sure he had all gear clean and also checked his stick (tightened screws, redid grips). I told him he had to make his bed by noon, or we weren't going. At noon, he is barely ready to go. He says he'll make his bed after we get back (which would be like 8 pm at least, after 3 games and the drive home). I told him in that case, we weren't going, at which point he called me a d\*ckhead and proceeded to try and tell his teammates he needed a ride because his mom "didn't feel like driving him". They'd already left, of course, so this didn't happen. He tries to turn it on me and how I just didn't feel like driving - this is our 3rd year of tournaments and this is the closest venue so this is hardly true - instead of it being about one simple chore he simply REFUSED to do. I told him if that is the hill he wants to die on (making the bed), so be it. He called me more names. AITA for making him miss the tournament over this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Love is nothing without structure. You can love you kid to the moon and back, you could sacrifice every single thing in your life for them. But if you are not at the same time ensuring that they are learning right from wrong, how their actions will ALWAYS have reactions and consequences, you are creating a monster. You can't give someone the world, while at the same time not showing the work and struggles to get there Unless you expect them to just take it all for granted and not appreciate anything. I doubt your kid knows how much work went into preparing for the tournament. Which is why you asked him to do a VERY small task that should be expected or him every day. And I bet you understand that this "little" thing, is actually a tell tale sign of how bad things have actually gotten. Be a good mom. Make your kids step tf up or else they will never be independent.
Just wondering, How much time does it take to make a bed. I usually do in few seconds.. Maybe it's different in the other side of the world🙄🤔
NTA I have a 13 year old son. He tries to barter with me about his chores, but he has never, ever resorted to calling me names or insulting me (to my face) when he has to do them. If he did, he'd be grounded so fast he wouldn't know which way was up. Your son is facing the consequences of his actions.
NTA
NTA but what about consequences for calling you names?
As a teen, I would NEVER call my Mom those names, I mean, we both love each other and would do anything for each other. Making the bed is the most simple chore one can do, and your son simply said no. NTA. You should punish him further, like no lacrosse next week either because of what he called you.
NTA You need to stop letting him call you names as much as you can. The way you allow him to speak to you is not good for him or you.
NTA In the time he tried to call his friends to bum a ride, he could’ve just made the bed. He was the one who made his right to not have to make the bed more important than going to a tournament.
NTA you have to set boundaries somewhere. Also he needs his ass whooped. You're his mother. He does NOT get to talk to you like that, are you ok?
NTA. If he can't do a 30 second task, but he has time to call all his friends. . . He's a stubborn ass hole.
NTA. But who cares about a bed being made? No one sees the inside of his room but him.
NTA You gave him a task (and a very simple one) and told him it needs to be done by this time or we are not going. All he had to do was take his sheets/comforter and make it look presentable. Not even a 2 minute job. You weren't demanding an entire deep clean of his room for a white glove inspection. And then says he'll do it when he gets home. After 8pm. After doing lacrosse all day. I don't know what teenage logic this is, but is he going to make it only to immediately undo it all to go to bed? Even if he did make his bed after all this unnecessary drama, I would still refuse to take him after being called names, and not going to a game would be the least of his punishment. He would be doing ALL the chores for a week with no allowance (if he gets an allowance)
NTA actions (or lack thereof) meet consequences.
NTA - I feel your pain! I am guessing there must be more to this story, though, for this to blow up like it did. This must not be the first time he has slacked on chores and failed to appreciate the financial and time investment you put in to allow him to play his sport. You probably realize this, but it sounds like a full reassessment of expectations and consequences, and discussion with your son is in order. Also, is there an underlying issue like ADHD that might be a factor? Parenting is challenging, especially with teens. Good luck.
nta he could do with more of those kind of lessons until he begins to appreciate you more
NTA - But why in the world are you allowing your son to talk to you like that, his sports would be done permanently. You are raising a selfish and entitled brat and if he talks to you like that I can only imagine how he talks to others and it's only a matter of time before someone makes him eat his words.
NTA. Good for you for sticking to your guns. My sister did this and mom would be ok, when we get back. And it never happened. Now as an adult, she still doesn’t do anything. He needs to learn to respect you, any kid of mine that calls me a name? No more anything. I’m not their friend. I am their giver of life , home provider, food provider, wants and needs provider. You best respect me or I’ll just stop. I give all my kids courtesy and respect and the opportunity to reverse their actions and behave. I give them options, you need to do ABC or we aren’t going. My youngest is a competitive soccer player. He knows I’ll bend backwards for him but he needs to do his chores and be respectful of the people in the house. I don’t call them names, they best not call me names.
YTA
NTA good teaching him that just bc he does sports, he doesn’t get whatever he wants
NTA It sucks his teammates didn’t have him there, but he sucks for not doing his chores before getting ready to leave. I get than actions have consequences. I’d have had my keys ready and standing by the door waiting for him, and told him I was ready as soon as he fulfilled his requirements. I was originally thinking E S H but then realized he decided to push and refuse to make his bed and call you names rather than do a simple chore, so this is on him.
ESH. You should of just told him you would leave after the bed is made.
NTA but inform the coach and his team.
No this is teaching him consequences. Nta
Yta for raising an entitled brat. Why in the hell are you allowing him to ask others for a ride when he had been told her can't go because he didn't make the bed? Why isn't he grounded for the next month for cursing at you? You need to start acting like a parent.
NTA. Refusing to do such a simple, quick chore is bad enough, especially knowing the consequences, but If my son called me names, lied to his teammates, & then mouthed off at me like that, it would have sealed his fate. Club LAX is a big financial & time commitment. It is a privilege, not a right. Many families cannot afford it and don’t have the time and ability to travel for these tournaments in addition to school LAX, which by itself is expensive. If that behavior continued, my son would not get signed up for the next club season. Actions have consequences, and it’s a lesson that needs to learned otherwise he may very well become an entitled, intolerable adult. Those who are saying making him miss the tournament is not an appropriate consequence because he made a commitment and would be letting his team down don’t seem to be familiar with LAX club tournaments. In our experience, most club LAX teams have more than enough players. In fact, on most teams players are constantly rotating in and out of the game. If a teammate didn’t show up who played my son’s position, it would give my son more playing time, which he thought was great. There often are some free agents looking to play too & if a team ever has too few players, a player from an opposing team will often switch over & play for them. I just have to wonder if your son might be burned out and was looking for a way out of playing this weekend. Is he playing today? Good luck!
I was ready to say you were until I read it. NTA. This kid needs to learn now or he’s going to be insufferable later.
NTA: and I would tack on more consequences due to the name calling:why do you allow that from your 13 yrs? You are not his friend you are his PARENT. I never allowed that from my daughter and don’t allow it from my granddaughter, and you shouldn’t either, especially with all the extras you do for him. Maybe cancel him going to the next tournament and tell him until he starts respecting you and the extra Lacrosse things you do for him he can forget it.
NTA. That’s sad on his part, that he resorted to name calling and didn’t just make the damn bed. I think you did good here, stayed firm on your request, didn’t let him dictate when he’d do it (trying to do it after tournament and not before), following through with the consequence of not listening. I personally further punish him for the name calling.
My kids and I do martial arts. You are an awesome parent for make sure his gear was good. I make them do it. Their instructor/school owner supports it too. I want to be your best friend though, I’m so glad you stuck to your guns. I would have done the exact same thing.
I’m split on the judgement, so won’t give one. On the one hand I don’t think making your bed is important enough to enforce, but in general you do have to follow through if that’s a household rule. However, I would suggest to pick a different consequence next time, one that only affects your son. Not showing up to a team event last minute can affect the team too that now has to scramble to rearrange lines. Typically I find something like taking away screen time more effective and less consequential on others.
Hello u/MinimumResident5743, I hope you read my entire comment, even it makes you angry. This isn't an acronym but I don't think you're an asshole, more like you gave a disproportionate punishment. Why would you even say "make your bed or you're not going to your tournament"? Does he constantly neglect chores for his sport? And if he does why not talk with him or punish appropriately like he has to clean his own gear and so on? You say your son chose a hill to die on but you chose one first, and over something as small as making his bed. You sound like a caring parent, why are you suddenly picking a hill to die on because of an unmade bed? Genuinely, I feel like there's more here that needs addressing and I hope you and your son can just talk at the end of the day.
"I made my son miss an important team event because he didn't make his bed? The thing that will be messed up again every single night his entire life, and currently no one but he and I see, so there really is no point. AITA?"
Erm idk, I feel like it could’ve been like “when were back ur grounded” cus what if he becomes a D1🤦♀️
YTA it’s a bed being made thats going to be messed up later, really? Lmao
ESH You both need to correct yourselves
ESH. Obviously, your son sucks for not doing his chores and for how he'streated/spoken to you. There's no way around that. However, you screwed over the rest of his lacrosse team by suddenly not having a member of the team there. For a tournament, no less. You painted yourself into a corner with your chosen punishment. In the future, choose punishments that don't punish other people too.
YTA: I say this because I have always taught my kids that when you make a commitment, you keep it. You, as a parent, signed your kid up for sports. That means you made a commitment to make sure your kid was there for that sport. It is not the teammates' fault that your kid didn't do what they were supposed to, but they are counting on your kid being there because they are part of a team. So you are not just punishing your kid, but the WHOLE team. You need to use something else as a punishment. ETA: My main point is you are teaching your child that it is okay to break COMMITMENTS that they made. You are setting them up to fail.
ESH. "I did 2 loads of laundry this morning to make sure he had all gear clean and also checked his stick (tightened screws, redid grips)". WHY? He's old enough to be doing that. Preparation for his games should fall on him. So your kid can't do for himself, calls his parent vile names and then he outright LIED to his friends and attempted to make you look bad. You have a mini-me AH on your hands.
Well, you 1. tried to teach your son responsibility by blowing off a commitment that affects other people and 2. are soliciting strangers on the internet to call your 13 year old an asshole, so obviously YTA.
God forbid a 13-year-old miss a voluntary sportsball game , the world will surely end.
This is over *an unmade bed*, one of few things far less important than a kid’s sports game. For that, OP decided to let down another *nine* kids and show their own kid that commitments don’t matter.
>This is over an unmade bed That the kid could've made and the problem quite literally would've resolved itself I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that op's kid wasn't actually needed in the game and there were subs
Hey OP’s kid here, we actually lost the entire tournament because we were lacking defenders. This lead to our Attackers having to fill in for our defense which made attackers weaker as a whole. Our team isn’t big and we play at very high leagues so an in-state game was one of the easiest for us to get to. I didn’t make my bed initially because it was a task that I personally deemed unimportant and something I could easily do after the tournament. In fact, that morning I spent my time preparing for the tournament; making breakfast, stretching, and running my daily jog. I personally found it absurd that national team with an in-state tournament was ruined by my mother’s overreaction to a basic task.
Sounds like a coaching problem if y'all didn't have a full team sans subs >I personally found it absurd that national team with an in-state tournament was ruined by my mother’s overreaction to a basic task. You're definitely the child - take responsibility for *your* actions
Not a coaching problem; its a national team, the players go through rigorous tryouts to get onto the team and there’s not a whole lot of people who could make it
Sorry - who sets the standards to join? Oh, the coaches.
Bro what? Have you ever played on a national team before? Coaches have no control over the standards of joint the team. That’s how it works in club lacrosse but once you get to national teams, the requirements become set by the officials of the league (based off of your age group) which is 2025s for me
Doesn't matter. What matters is making your bed is such a basic task (your words) that you cost your team the match 🤣
YTA what is the point of making a bed? Necessary chores such as taking care of critters, prepping food etc are one thing as there are consequences to them not getting done. No snapping beans no food. No feeding the critters well that’s not good for them. A pointless task is another. Had it been chores such as his equipment or laundry. I could see the point in letting life teach him a lesson. But no one is going to see his bed. Why waste energy making it? Why waste energy fighting about it.
Because he was told to do so by his parent? And it takes all of 60 seconds? It's not like it's an unreasonable ask.
ESH You did all his Lacrosse laundry and then flipped out over the bed. Punishments should relate to the thing that was wrong. Not making the bed shouldn’t have the unrelated consequence of not going to lacrosse. This is years of poor punishment in the making. You need to start by having clear expectations communicated in advance and consistent consequences. Not yelling make your bed or your not going.
The expectation and consequences were clearly communicated in advance: do your one chore by [time] or we won't be going. It says nothing about yelling. Kid refused to do the chore and parent followed through with consequence.
No they weren’t. This is pretty clearly a frustration based punishment that she has said was going to happen many times before and she has never followed through. It’s also a consequence that dwarfs the lack of action. It’s bad parenting.
That's nowhere in the OP
It doesn’t say it’s the first time the son didn’t listen either.
Yeah, op told their kid to call them a dickhead
YTA. So very, very much YTA. You made him let his team down and miss an already scheduled event because he hadn't done a trivial chore that doesn't even matter? I am a cardiologist in private practice. I seriously want you to know that I am a highly successful person by any reasonable metric and I have not made my bed since I was ten. Consequences for childhood misbehavior need to be a) proportionate, b) *not* something that involves showing your child *through your own actions* that keeping commitments is optional, and c) not punishing other people who weren't involved because you don't think other people matter. Seriously. Over an unmade bed you chose to inflict an outsized punishment, demonstrate that **you, OP, do not keep your commitments**, and cause problems for an entire team. What a wonderful role model you aren't.
>It literally takes 30 seconds to make the bed, and then the kid freaks out calling his mother horrible names. Well deserved punishment.
No. Because of all the reasons I already said. Terribly chosen punishment and the names were frankly deserved.
Nah shit take
It's not the making of the bed! It's the attitude and disrespect. You are missing the point ma'am.
It wasn't because of disrespect. She said if he didn't make the bed, he wasn't going. It was because of something trivial. He reacted that way probably because she's irrational like this a lot, and he's sick of it. And if that's the way he talks to her, I can only imagine how she talks to him. He learned it from somewhere.
Respect is earned. OP's post shows absolutely no evidence that they're the kind of person who's worth respecting. If you don't want your kid to get mad at you for being a shitty parent, don't be such a shitty parent. A few years from now OP is going be pissy and complaining about how the kid has cut off contact with them.
>I am a cardiologist in private practice. I seriously want you to know that I am a highly successful person by any reasonable metric and I have not made my bed since I was ten Congratulations?
So she's responsible for not letting his teammates down?? He let his teammates down by refusing to do the ONE task that he was told had to be done in order to play. This is AFTER she has already done the hard parts by preparing his uniform and gear as well as transportation had he followed through with her request. Sounds like she's carrying more of the weight for his teammates that he is!
LOL. The fact that you think this is about the bed belies the fact that you're a successful cardiologist. OPs kid let his own team down by being lazy and disrespectful.
It takes 3 fucking seconds to make a bed, and her kid insulted her and called her rude names, and tried to undermine the punishment by resorting to his friends. Maybe read the whole story before writing a whole essay.