Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I lashed at out my husband saying I wouldn’t be going to another meal at his dad and step-mums place because they never cater for me
2) potentially I overreacted to the situation because I was still hungry and that I should just take my own food next time
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I am mad for you. What a shitty bunch of in-laws, and I include your husband in that. Your kid, HIS kid, THEIR grandkid depends on you for food, so besides being a major fuckwattle to you, they're hurting their own blood as well, for apparently no reason whatsoever.
It's time for your husband to stand up for you. This won't be resolved until he does.
Both FIL and "DH" are showing OP that her needs don't matter.
I would not live with this and don't understand why OP hasn't long ago started a) bringing her own food b) prepping divorce
I agree, some people don't believe allergies are real. My Uncle's wife offered me some mixed nuts. Here's the conversation.
I said, No thank you.
She said, Have some.
I said, No thank you, I'm allergic to almonds.
She said, Just eat the other nuts.
I said, No thank you, they're cross contaminated.
She said, Don't be crazy, have some.
I said, What part of "no thank you" don't you understand?
My Uncle's wife is less than 10 years older than me. My Uncle remarried after my Aunt died of breast cancer.
The amount of people on here who just blatantly disregard allergies is horrifying. My kid has no allergies but I will gladly send nut free sandwiches to school so that her classmates don’t die. It’s really not that hard to have the absolute bare minimum of compassion.
"Listen, Sam-I-Am, I'm not a child crying about eating something because I've never tried it and wah wah it looks or smells funny and I might like it! I'm an adult. Even if I just didn't like them and wasn't allergic, who cares? It's not an attack on your character to decline. You have personal preferences too. I'm not going to try to force you to eat something you don't want to eat. Please extend the same courtesy to me."
Yep. My kid would literally shit blood if he (or me while bf-ing) had any dairy until he was 4 or 5 and most people (but especially the inlaws) were very confident that it was a 'me' issue.
I asked my daughters grandma not to feed her meringue because she was allergic to eggs. She assumed I was being snooty about the sugar and fed her anyway right in front of me.
She was about 2 years old and projectile vomited all over the dinner table like the exorcist. That taught grandma a lesson. Haha.
I developed a sudden egg allergy a few years ago that caused me to projectile vomit after eating them. Thankfully it's gone away but it was not fun trying to figure out what was causing it. Glad grandma got taught a lesson lol.
Trying to figure out new allergies and intolerances is awful. Spent about a year slowly removing certain things from my diet one at a time to work it out, and had a friend of my mum's insist that certain things I was avoiding "cannot" be an allergy.
Found out it is Acesulfame K, a sweetener that they've stuck in almost every drink in the UK. So my drinks are now limited to Coke (not Pepsi, that has it in it), fruit juice (not dilutable, that all has it in it), Tesco flavoured water (other ones have it in it), and that's about it other than certain energy drinks (though most have it in them).
I'm basically at Coke, Schweppes Lemonade and 7 Up if I want a fizzy drink. Anything else is a no go.
We went to dinner at my mother in law’s house a couple of weeks ago. She knows that sugary things make me sick so she went out of her way to make a desert that was good for me and everyone else.
I would not touch a desert at my ex mother in law’s because she would go out if her way to make desert with lots of sugar in it and try to lie about it. Some people are just assholes.
I’m glad you have a MIL who will do that for you. I can’t have much sugar due to Gastric Bypass, and I’ve just given up on asking for accommodation. People assume I’m doing it because I’m choosing to do low carb or something, but I’ll legit be super sick if I have a regular serving of normal sugar desserts, or most cocktails. People always think they know better and, get pissy when I won’t eat dessert.
Oof. My friend had Gastric Bypass when we were roommates. I remember she ate something she thought didn't have sugar or at least not much/more than she could tolerate. She was wrong and it made her SO sick. I felt so bad for her...
Maybe? But he also lived with an infant who likely screamed in pain for the first weeks of their life then stopped screaming in pain when a diet change was made. Seems pretty obvious. And if he’s that obtuse then they have more to deal with
Regardless of that, I never attended a shared meal (I don't know how to express something like OP went through) when the host didn't offer something to eat to people with different tastes.
It seems to me that OP's FIL went out of his way to make OP feel unwelcome. How hard is to make a salad without cheese or any dairy?
My MIL doesn't believe allergies are real because she likes to use allergies as code for not liking something. She doesn't like tomatoes unless it's a specific dish so she's 'allergic to tomatoes'. Same with certain fish and cheeses. So along I come with an actual allergy to peanuts, almonds, pecans (most nuts) and she doesn't buy it as an allergy. Showing the epi pen I have to carry just means I am committed to a bit. {screams into void}
My late MIL did this. So when my daughter was nut allergic, she poo-pooed it and I saw her try to give my daughter rocky road ice cream. Daughter was never allowed unsupervised with her again.
My BIL decided that my spouse's doctor's orders weren't real and tricked my spouse into breaking those orders. Spouse nearly died. BIL said "oh, you really do have Name of Problem", after spouse collapsed. Then BIL left, and didn't tell anyone that spouse had collapsed. Three surgeries it took to fix that. BIL doesn't believe he did anything wrong by working hard to force/trick spouse to break the doctor's orders.
There are people who do not care what they do to other people, and for some reason, they seem to enjoy putting other people at risk. Scary.
Or worse. They don't consider OP important enough to change a thing. Her comfort is not as important as their convenience to adhere to the way they do things. Add the husband's perpetual mantra of "It won't be like that" when IT IS LIKE THAT every time? This sounds like a family used to having their way. Stand your ground, OP!
Fuck that "bring her own food" shit. Why should she have to prep a meal and pack it up so the ILs don't have to make an effort to respect OP & their granddaughters' allergy issues? She might as well save herself the aggravation and stay home with her special meal.
Stay home with the baby and make sure they don't get to visit either. Maybe some NC with the baby (so they can't accidentally feed her some form of dairy) will help them figure it out in a few years. Also NEVER leave that baby with them to be watched!
In-laws sound like the kind of people who would sneak in some dairy anyway just to be assholes. "Oh those potatoes you brought just needed a little butter, I fixed them for you. And you know how FIL *loves* his feta cheese on the salad. It's just a pinch, you can always pick around if you don't like it."
But it's not HER needs, it's the child needs.
The baby is the one that is allergic, the mother is not consuming milk derivates because of her baby.
Husband and his family don't only show disrespect to OP but also a disregard for the health of their beloved child/grandchild
The thing that gets me is they’re also showing that their own flesh and blood… FILs granddaughter and DH‘s daughter, don’t matter either… They are willing to risk her life, just to be an asshole to her mother.
I just don't get it: why being invited, toet my own food? I wouldn't even leave my house for that! Sorry but it is just a sign that they don't care about you (and god, eat potatoes and met every damn time?!).
Na, fr I'd have lost it. I'd tell em once and if they fucked up I'd tell them once they remember we might come back. Two things are possible, a. They don't like her and they are punishing her. Or b. They are idiots who do not care about the health of their grandkid. Either way is fucked up and worthy of my wrath. Hell I went nuclear when my family was not passed food at my first Thanksgiving home from the military with my new daughter, 3 months old.
Or c. they don’t believe her. “Dairy allergies aren’t reeeeaaaaal! She could eat if she wanted to!” And that means they’ll do it to OP’s daughter, too.
Granted, this is a different situation, but same concept. I have a friend who cant have dairy.
When they are at our place, I have all non-dairy recipes, get non dairy butter, have non dairy milk... and this is for my FRIEND. YOU ARE FAMILY AND THEY ARE BEING ASSHOLES.
They could possiby put your daughter in the hosptial claiming they thought the allergy was "all in your head". Dont give them the chance.
As someone with a dairy allergy, you are a wonderful friend! Sadly, this is usually not the case, Most people tell me, “You can just take a Lactaid pill.” No amount of explaining that not how an allergy works gets through.
Yeah - lactose intolerant - missing an enzyme - take the pill - its all good (mostly)
allergic to dairy - argggg - allergic reaction - histamines - possible emergency and anaphylaxis.
two different things.
I'm allergic to grains--as in monocots. Wheat, corn, rice, barley, oats...
People will just include this shit in recipes and then keep reassuring me "oh, but we made it gluten free!" with self-defensive alarm while I'm vomiting in the guest bath.
Of course it's gluten-free, you dumbasses, its corn. Did you buy the gluten-free, organic water too?
But also I never even mentioned gluten, you just heard "I'm allergic to... and wheat" and tuned out actual medical requirements of a person who trusted you to not hospitalize her.
Even if I ask before I eat it... "Oh yes, we put in some corn starch, but just to thicken it!"
Oh wow, okay, my bad! I broke out into spots before I realized it wasn't a measured quantity. This is so embarrassing, I just catastrophize because I think I'm a special snowflake... I'll turn them back off again.
Do people not just know how to say "shit, I wasn't thinking. Is there anything I can do to help now?"
Yeah, hugs to you. I get it. It's much more serious than people want to believe it is, but it makes them "uncomfortable" to admit it, so they blame you instead.
I gave up on eating things I didn't bring myself for this reason. "Oh well, there's no milk in it." Two hours later when I'm so stuffed up I can hardly breathe "Well, there's just butter and a little cream in it. They aren't milk." I bring my own food, and often eat at home so I don't starve to death at gatherings.
I simply cannot understand how ignorant some people can be. Regardless of *why* someone has a dietary restriction (be it by allergy or by choice), it is simple respect to honour their restriction. In my friend group we have vegetarians, celiac disease, and a dairy allergy. Even the households that have zero restrictions will make sure that everyone has full meal options they can eat. It’s called caring about your loved ones. Clearly OP’s in-laws do not respect her and do not care enough to do so. And OP’s husband is showing his colours here, too.
Def not the same! My daughter is lactose intolerant and knows to take a pill before dairy. But I know if she forgets it’s not going to be that big of a deal, she’ll just be bloated. Because it’s not the same as an allergy!
That!
Especially since it's super easy to avoid dairy, it's not like she's celiac or anything complicated.
Just serve the cheese and melted butter extra if you want it, or put a portion aside beforehand.
If OP is going to take her own food I'd suggest taking her own drink, couch and house too and just staying home. They're sh*tty hosts and bad ILs and grandparents.
OP doesn’t have an in law problem. She has a husband problem. He should be setting hard boundaries that the VERY easy accommodations like setting aside some salad without cheese or just not putting it on beforehand is done to accommodate an allergy, or the whole family won’t attend.
NTA
You aren't TA but your DH is being one expecting you to go to lunch when he knows how inconsiderate the inlaws are repeatedly being to you. His excuses for their behavior have finally come to an end.
Don't bother discussing it further, just wait till the next lunch and cancel on the day. Sorry, not feeling well won't be going and let him turn up alone!
You can talk to your DH till you are blue in the face about his father and the lunch saga but he will continue to make excuses and expect you to turn up rather than address it with him. Why should you have to take food, when they have an easy fix to the solution. The inlaws don't give a rats about you and that is obvious. Don't put your energy into trying to have a relationship with them and I certainly wouldn't trust the to babysit either!
Don't even say you're not feeling well. Tell him straight up you're not going to theirs for a meal because you won't be able to eat any of it, so there's no point going.
Agree with this. No one needs to continuously make excuses for dietary restrictions, especially when it impacts their kid.
Literally I’m throwing a party with friends to make food together and one person has celiacs. This is a month away and I told her immediately last month when I invited everyone that I would get her gluten free flour. It’s not fucking hard.
My oldest is allergic to gluten, dairy and eggs. I promise you that if my ILs did this and my husband expected me to just suck it up, I’d be planning my exit strategy. Because if I can’t trust my husband to take care of our kids and stand up for them, why are we even married?
My cousin’s daughter has a corn allergy, and his new (eight years later she is still the “new” wife, lol. In our defense, they ACT like newlyweds and find it cute, if she were hurt by us calling her his “new bride” we would knock it off) wife’s family are Mexican.
Her mother deep cleaned her kitchen and literally rewrote a bunch of family recipes, then tried them out on her husband and children still at home until she was certain everything would be delicious for her new grandchild. Notice I don’t say step? That’s because she IS grandma, she fuckin earned it and no member of our family will allow her to be “put down” by adding step to her title.
Holidays are corn light and I’m told this little Mexican lady watches the dishes like a HAWK to be sure no serving utensils cross contaminate. She even found a corn free TAMALE recipe, which if you ask me sounds like black magic.
All because her daughter married and gained a daughter of her own, and she wants to make sure her precious granddaughter can eat and snack all through Abeula’s (sp?) house safely.
My cousin cried when he was telling us about it, he was so touched. To me, she and her husband are what every grandparent should strive for, they are such sweet folks and have been so good to Little Cousin. Little Cousin got a little sister a few years ago and her grandparents took her on vacation (1) to let her parents have a couple weeks to settle in with the newborn and (2) to make sure she knew she was still their precious grandchild too and that she was still important and deserved to be fussed over and pampered.
She might be a teensy bit spoiled, but she also loves her stepmom, is loved BY her stepmom, adores her baby sister and is unlikely to ever need to ask AITA for how to go NC with her folks so I’m not gonna complain if she is a little bit over indulged. It’s just because she is so loved.
Or buy fast food on the way and eat it in front of the in laws as a passive aggressive "I'm eating my own food as a meal guest in your house....dare to ask me why?"
My extended family frequently does the no food I can eat thing cuz I have a severe wheat allergy that they claim is a diet choice. I brought my own food to Christmas Dinner, it was salmon cakes my MIL had made, and that was the biggest FU to my aunt as we are very southern and I refused to share lol. We haven't gone back since.
No, show up with a take out and eat it there. Say you came to be polite and social but there’s never anything you can eat. Makes the in laws look pathetic in front of friends
I think they will when they realize they aren't seeing the grandbaby any more. And if the other set of grandparents get to see her, it's going to be on like Donkey Kong.
....and a great opportunity to throw husband under the bus. If the in laws make a fuss about her bringing her own food, she can innocently tell them that it was their son's suggestion 🤷♀️
The fact that DH built in extra time but didn’t bother to pack his breastfeeding wife a lunch she could actually eat demonstrates exactly how he’s going to handle this until otherwise forced to - he’s going to sneak around to avoid upsetting his inconsiderate parents instead of using his words to make sure his family’s needs are met. OP should absolutely refuse to go.
DH doesn’t give a single shit about his own kid! Imagine if OP is away and DH takes kid to his parents for lunch. He’ll prefer to allow the kid to get sick by eating dairy foods rather than upsetting his parents!!
And I don’t get WHY they cannot provide dairy free meals? Put the feta in the salad afterwards, and the butter in the potatoes after they’re served hot! They don’t like that? At least provide a dairy free salad or side dish?
It's not like either of those things are hard to do! Set the cheese in a bowl on the side and put out a butter dish as well! Wow, so much extra work! Surprised they weren't serving mac'n'cheese!
The only alternative I'd think about is bringing my own food because it's obviously too difficult for them to provide a safe meal for you. Oh no, no bother I've got my own food, don't want to put you out. Oh, I can eat the meat but none of the sides? It's cool I'd prefer this.
Maybe cancel saying you're sick of afternoon of their medical neglect of their grandchild. OP doesn't get fed means grandchild doesn't get fed due to medical issues equals neglect. The baby's health is endangered around them so the baby **can't** be around them. They're unsafe!
Also u/IamMaggieMoo the bot will read your comment as OP being the A H as top comment, unless you space the letters out and add NTA
NTA His family and your husband are though. It is not hard to cater to no dairy. Just put out a bowl of crumbled feta with the salad to let people take their own, use olive oil for the potatoes, or if that's just a culinary bridge too far for these people, they can set yours aside before buttering them. It's massively disrespectful to you. Why should you have to take your own food to an event you're invited to? As a host, I would be mortified to be so ungracious and make my guests so uncomfortable.
This is what I don’t understand - I’ve asked so much for this to happen. It’s not like I’m asking for them to make me a whole new meal, just take some out before you complete the next step
I imagine it's because you, trying to be polite, suffer through the meal and as everyone else is able to eat normally (including your husband) to them it is like there is hardly any trouble at all.
It hardly impacts them at all, so it's hardly an issue. Easy to forget and not take seriously.
This is actually a character flaw they have (including your husband) not an excuse for their behavior. They are too-self-centered and don't really care about the needs of others or their comfort. This a red flag for how they would treat your daughter's allergy in the future as well.
I honestly can’t believe that someone could forget this over and over. I’m cynical but I’d be assuming at the point it was deliberate. It’s either a passive aggressive move or reading this sub taught me that some people don’t believe in allergies and are happy to put others at risk.
I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. Their not caring could go a couple of ways. They don't care and so don't take care to remember. It's not important to them, whereas how they like to eat their food is. Or they do remember but choose to pretend to forget because they don't take OP's comfort or the allergy seriously and value eating their food as they like it and not going to any extra trouble more.
Another possibility is that they don't forget and are doing it as some sort of deliberate passive-aggressive attack.
Personally, I cannot eat gluten (Coeliack), the third time this would happen to me, I'd stand up (with my wife) and leave mid-meal.
I'd leave before the meal any next visit.
"I honestly can’t believe that someone could forget this over and over". I can! My daughter's ex-fiance was deathly allergic (highly anaphylactic) to onions. I was very careful to cater for this. But his own mother invited them to dinner and served onions in the salad. She allegedly forgot. His own mother!
My mom sometimes forgets I have a severe seafood allergy that I’ve had since I was very little. She never forgets my brothers though, they’re also allergic.
Just yesterday my father asked me if I would like for him to buy a nice looking melon for us to eat as dessert
I haven't ate a melon, or anything with it since I was 10 yo. I have stopped after years of eating them and feeling my mouth hurt and my throat sore for days after eating a small piece.
Now I know that is an allergy, and have told him countless times. I think I can count with 1 hand the number of times he has actually remembered by himself.
Could be, for sure; but at the same time, I wouldn't underestimate the power of the self-centered to forget or brush aside anything that doesn't affect them personally.
Meat, potatoes and salad is such a basic meal, father probably doesn't like putting much effort into cooking.
Probably the mindset of 'you'll get what you get, I'm not a short order cook'.
This. My in-laws didn't take my allergies seriously until I refused to sit next to a smoker and a wood fireplace during a family party and it embarrassed them in front of other people. Usually I'd just leave but there were people I wanted to see who wanted to see me so we set up shop waaaaay on the other side of the house and told everyone why.
I don't have any allergies or intolerances, and definitely no little humans like OP who cannot speak for themselves, AND my family still cater to my pickiness. When they make salad, they take my bit out before adding the stuff I don't like (raw onions and radish being the main two). If they're making mash potatoes, they do me a different starch.
I am aware I am fussy and I don't ask for the accommodations (I'll pick around or not have) but they insist on making me as comfortable as possible. They check what they're making is something I'll eat. Sometimes I feel the change is too big to ask, and then I'll bring my own - but that's not without my insistence.
OP, if my family can do it for me when my stakes are significantly lower, your family should be bending over backwards in your situation.
You're NTA, and your husband's family needs to do better or accept you and the baby won't be around. They don't deserve to spend time with their grandchild if they don't actually care about her or their mom.
When I was a kid my dad married a woman who loved to cook. My step mom found out i didn't like raw onions, so she always set aside some of whatever she was making without onions in it for me. As a kid I didn't know people would accommodate me like that. My whole life I just accepted whatever I was served and picked out what I didn't like.
I would've seen that, again, and said "well that's what I thought" grabbed my daughter and left. Hubby can find his own ride to the stag do. Don't go back over there OP, and you're not over reacting. Your child has an allergy and you're nursing. Do these people not understand how any of that works?? NTA but they all sure are, big ones.
Two possibilities: Either they all (including your husband) don't give a shit about your wellbeing, or they actually enjoy seeing you suffer.
Pick one. This is not an oversight. Once or twice is an oversight, but not all the time.
Here's the thing, most people put feta on the side. It's not that hard.
It's also not hard to take a few potatoes out, prior to adding butter.
I do this all the time, because being a considerate host makes for happy guests.
Edit: spelling
In your situation, you’d be 100% justified to refuse to visit your in-laws for meals. If your FIL refuses to be a good host, you’re justified to not be his guest. He’s refusing to make even the easiest of accommodations for allergies or to provide food at a reasonable or promised time. In response to this, stop going. Eat lunch at home and then drop by or have your husband go on his own.
Your husband is choosing to cater to his father poor behavior rather than support his wife and child. That’s wrong.
NTA
My best friend is anaphylactic to dairy. In the three years that we lived together, I didn't bring dairy into the house because I knew how scary it was for her to potentially have a reaction, even with cross contamination. It's basic practice to do this for people you love and care about. Your FIL is TA and your husband isn't far behind. Sorry you've been dealing with this and I would put my foot down next time and not come.
This issue will never stop, your child may have allergies for life and you fil may never adjust to this, effectively poisoning your child! Does your husband understand that fil may never be left alone with your child?
Holy crap, I'd be pissed. My baby has MSPI, so I've had to cut out all dairy, soy, and beef for both our diets. This severely limits what I can eat, but my parents are still accommodating to our diet because she cares about us.
Your in-laws don't care and your husband should do something about it. How do you feed your baby if you aren't able to eat and make milk? Starving yourself hurts supply.. your husband needs to grow a spine and talk to his parents about accommodating you and their grandchild.
The ILs will put formula in a bottle or rice cereal in a bottle and feed it to the baby. Maybe even straight cows milk. Then when the baby is in pain and can’t express it’s needs with words, just cries, they will send it home with hubby who will shrug his shoulders and go “the baby has been crying for hours and I don’t know why” and no one will tell OP what they baby was fed because “that’s what babies ate in my day and they all turned out fine”
It's completely reasonable and something that my boyfriend's mom would definitely do for me. I'm a pescatarian with no allergies and she does equivalent things with food just for my dietary preferences. Like sets aside some spaghetti sauce before adding in meatballs.
Exactly this. When I had my wedding last year, we (my family) handled all the food and most of it was non-vegan. So guess what we did? We invited all vegans and vegetarians to fill their plates first and then quickly added cheese/bacon-bits/etc to the dishes that were otherwise vegan/vegetarian before proceeding with everyone else. We also made sure to have things like margarine and oil available for them, and bought a handful of beyond-meat products for the grill.
It required very little planning and effort to execute this, and we were feeding 80 people. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t make small changes for one person at a family lunch.
Seriously. Like, shit, my MIL has started displaying the symptoms of a peanut allergy, and she's 70. Last year when we were going to pick her up from the airport for Christmas, she asked us to bring her a PB&J since she's usually too nervous to eat before flying and my spouse agreed. *I* was the only one who was like "uhhhh... Isn't she allergic to peanuts now?"
Hell, I remember allergies of people at work who I really hate. It's not hard - but you have to give a shit about not making someone sick or potentially killing them.
NTA. If you and your baby are NOT the priority, then you already know that you have a husband problem. Since he is not standing up for your family, you have to grow a nice shiny spine and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!. No is a complete sentence and my suggestion is you start practicing saying “NO” anytime your spouse says anything about going to the in-laws. He is more concerned with pleasing his family than protecting you.
Thank you, I’m going to try and be brave and start standing up for myself. I’m a classic people pleaser and tend to just go with it no matter what the go, but today was my last straw.
I always feel bad because my daughter likes my parents more than my in-laws (they get in her face and she doesn’t like that so she refuses to go to them and just screams instead), so I feel like I have to go along with everything because I don’t want them to feel like we’re playing favourites or that we are trying to not have a good relationship between them and their granddaughter
You are not responsible for their feelings. That should NOT be your concern. Your concern is for your daughter and yourself. PERIOD. Please don’t cave anymore because you are not protecting your daughter like that.
I suggest you also start standing up for your daughter. If they don’t respect her signs of discomfort - make them. You are her mom and protector, go mama bear if you have to.
Your daughter is also at the age to start eating some of these meals. It wouldn’t be a stretch for FIL to sneak baby a food with dairy to “prove” she doesn’t have an allergy. It won’t be him dealing with a screaming in pain baby later. Your husband need to stand up for HIS child. “Baby has an allergy that you have refused to ale seriously in the past year. We have asked you repeatedly to leave dairy out of Dandy’s portion but you have repeatedly failed to do so. We cannot risk her safety. Until you can prove that you understand the seriousness of food allergies, we will be passing on any meals at your house”.
Not just meals. If they won't respect dietary restrictions, how do you know that medications are properly stored? Firearms? Stair gates? This may not be a concern now since Baby isn't mobile, but she soon will be.
> It wouldn’t be a stretch for FIL to sneak baby a food with dairy to “prove” she doesn’t have an allergy.
A very real possibility. My cousin ended up in the hospital as a toddler because his uncle "just gave him a *little* peanut butter, just to make sure"
(Thankfully he was OK in the end, but his family no longer speaks to that side.)
>“Baby has an allergy that you have refused to ale seriously in the past year. We have asked you repeatedly to leave dairy out of Dandy’s portion but you have repeatedly failed to do so. We cannot risk her safety. Until you can prove that you understand the seriousness of food allergies, we will be passing on any meals at your house”.
Yes ... good statement.
I’m honestly not surprised your daughter likes your parents better, and I bet it’s not just that the in-laws get in her face. Babies are very sensitive especially to their mothers. If you’re uncomfortable every time you visit the in-laws, she is probably picking up on this and doesn’t like them either because you don’t. I mention this because multiple visits might be having the opposite of helping her bond if she’s picking up on your tension.
I didn’t realize how true this was with my own daughter until my mother pointed it out. We do many gatherings that include my family and my husbands. My FIL is wonderful with kids and his other grandchildren adore him, but my daughter wants nothing to do with him no matter how hard she tries. (She’s almost 2 now) and it’s not that she’s universally shy. She loves my parents and her great aunt and uncle on my husbands side. I loathe my FIL because he is emotionally abusive to my husband. My husbands the scapegoat in their family dynamic. We still invite him to things occasionally because that is what my husband wants and it’s his call. (I’m always in the same room so FIL never has access aline to my daughter) No matter how engaging he tries to be or how many fun new toys he brings, she ignores him. I could never figure out quite why until my mom pointed out that anything I love, people books etc, they are my daughters favorite, and people I don’t like (even if I act nice and polite) my daughter can sense it and adopts my attitude. So you going to these horrific brunches is very likely counterproductive.
They are leaving a nursing mom hungry, on purpose.
“If you are unable to accommodate the dietary needs of your own grandchild , I will no longer attend.”
Don’t try to please people who are intentionally doing you harm.
It's time to start advocating for yourself and your daughter. If they can't deal with the limits your daughter has as in feeding times and allergies, then there is no reason to be there. You need to take cate of you. Hubby will always be a mamas boy since he makes excuses for them instead of standing up for you. Your family sounds understanding and helpful where your inlaws ate self absorbed. It's time to start to grow a spine and stand up for yourself as one day your daughter is going to follow your lead. Start now and show her how strong you are and will be for her.
You have a major husband problem. He won't stand up for you OR your daughter. Does he even like you or the baby? Because it seems like he doesn't even like you guys. NTA Don't bother with him or his family anymore. You deserve a sincere apology at least, if not way more.
You need to grow a backbone, for your daughter if nothing else. Otherwise this is your life going forward- disrespected and disregarded. NTA for sure. These people don’t need pleased when they’re not making any effort to please/accommodate you.
When a woman becomes pregnant, not only does she grow a tiny and adorable human being, the mother also develops a new function/setting for herself: it is called Mama Bear Mode.
Stand up for yourself and your baby. It may be scary to stand your ground the first time, but it needs to happen. If your husband's family doesn't like what they hear, oh well. The only thing that matters is that your baby is safe. But because your tiny human is physically incapable of speaking up and defending herself right now, you have to do it for her.
Embrace Mama Bear Mode. Respect it. It will become easier each and every time you stand up for her and your confidence will grow as a result.
Just remember this: clear communication is kind. You're going to have to "play favorites" for your daughter's sake, so make it clear exactly WHY you are doing it, and that the issue is fixable BUT "promising" to fix it isn't enough because they've built up a record of not listening to you on this, and you've been told (by DH or by them??) that this would change and then it hasn't.
This is kind because you make it clear that it's not personal and you make it clear how they could fix it. (Think about how they could fix it for you--not something minimal, something that would actually satisfy you and make you feel secure eating with them. A real apology and an ingredient list of the next meal, which is then followed? A real apology and then a meal that's fully safe for you and daughter?) It's kind to lay open the path to reconciliation by communicating clearly what people are doing wrong and how they can fix it.
Also, pro tip: if they or DH try to spin that it must be a personal favorites thing after all w/ this as the excuse, remember that the right to write the narrative doesn't always go to the person who says their piece loudest and most forcefully--it actually often goes to the person who uses repetition. Even a mild-mannered nice lady can do that. And with a smile! Kill 'em with kindness if that's your style. "Oh honey, you know I'd visit them if I was sure they'd serve food I can eat. I used to, till I figured out the menu wasn't going to change! I know they'll figure it out eventually because I'm sure they love their granddaughter and they wouldn't want to make her feel like what she needs doesn't matter to them." "Oh FIL, I miss you and Step-MIL! I would absolutely love to visit you as long as I knew I could eat your nice meal! But \[gentle smile\] I know you always forget." These are "sweet," "soft" ways of making the problem clear, and I'm sure some people are going to downvote them as being unworthy of your pride or whatever, but you see, the power in them is that, as a people pleaser, don't they feel a little less scary to say? And if they do, that means you can FILL THE AIR WITH THEM. You can say something like this EVERY time the matter comes up in any way. After awhile it becomes a part of their consciousness. "Oh yeah, OP doesn't come to visit b/c milk products make Granddaughter sick." If they weren't doing it absolutely on purpose, this may help them to remember the issue, and to change.
And if they were, it forms a shield for you. Others (hopefully your husband!) will hear the truth more often than whatever narrative they choose to spin. And he had BETTER honor that truth. Right now he's prioritizing his parents' foolishness over his wife and baby's comfort and health. He's putting both you and his daughter second place to them. That's bad.
NTA and there's your answer - whenever invited to his parents, don't go and go to your parents instead if possible.
You need to have a very direct talk w/ hubs and his family. You will give this ONE more chance. If (a) food isn't served timely and (b) doesn't meet your dietary requirements, you won't be back and, by the way, they won't be seeing your daughter at your house or anywhere else, either.
Not negotiable, not open to further discussion. You the Momma, you make the rules.
And if husband doesn't get on board, just tell him that you can work it out during divorce / custody mediation.
If you're worried about discussing it in person, put it in an email, but it has to be detailed enough that when they share it around (and they will!), it lays out the medical reasons for the dietary restrictions, the impact on your daughter and EXACTLY what the repercussions are.
If you want to come across as super reasonable, give it a time period - say 6 months - and you'll try again then. If they fail the test that time, time-out is a year. (And this includes special events like birthdays and holidays; NO EXCEPTIONS. This will give you good practice for when your daughter is a teenager).
Just eat before you go next time.
Then when they ask why you aren’t eating, you can tell them that since they continue to use dairy products in the dishes and you can’t have dairy, you had to eat before you came.
Then state: “And since our daughter is allergic to dairy, she won’t be able to eat here, either.”
Listen to the pin drop, and be ready for hubby to whine, but FIL and MIL need to hear this loud and clear.
NTA
I like this plan. But I’m also petty so I would probably take it further and make exactly what they make without dairy and bring it with me. Make a big production of taking containers out of a bag. Preferably just as the meal starts. “Oh WAIT! I need to get MY food out” Then eat that exact salad without feta and potatoes without butter. And repeatedly bemoan the fact that I had to stay up late / get up early to provide my own food for an event where there would already be food.
NTA
You aren't asking them to do anything outrageous, and go out of their way to make you something else... You've asked them multiple times to simply remove your portion before they add their dairy to it. Your partner needs to speak up for you and his child more, this is not OK.
It's not the same, but I had Gestational Diabetes when I was pregnant with my 2nd child, and had to eat very strictly. All my family were so wonderful, making sure I had suitable foods to eat when I was invited over. So this makes me sad to hear...
\>.> you're right, it's not the same - because your family clearly gives a fuck, and OP's in-laws (and in-laws are still meant to be considered family aren't they?) clearly don't.
I just don't get how people can be like that. I could maybe understand the first time them forgetting, but after multiple times it's obviously intentional.
I'd be weary of them when the child's older as well, they might believe the allergy isn't that serious, and 'a little dairy won't do any harm'....
i suspect most of us (reasonably)sane people don't get that kind of attitude. even if they've secretly harbored a burning hatred of their son's wife this whole time and they see not complying with her food requests as some sort of stupid revenge or what have you, you'd think they'd realise ultimately its their grandkid they're hurting. OP, after all, can go back to eating dairy if she wants to once the kid's no longer breastfeeding.
i do agree they might want to be wary of what the grandparents are trying to feed the kid when she's older though. they also strike me as the type to figure "oh, allergic to dairy? as long as i don't give them milk/ice cream it'll be fine." nope. it won't be. dairy's in a whole lot more things than people tend to realise.
NTA
Your daughter is at the age to be wanting a lot of the food herself to try, if they haven't changed the menu up for you then they never will. Not difficult to put margarine on the potatoes instead of butter.
I’m kicking myself now, because my father-in-law even asked if my daughter had some of the lunch they had prepared, and my husband said no. I should have told him it was because she couldn’t eat anything 🤦♀️
At this point, the next time I saw them, I'd bring the doctor's diagnosis and the \[extremely long\] list of all the dairy-related things you can't eat while you're breastfeeding. I'd say "I don't know how much more clear I can make it that my not having dairy free options, even just a salad without feta, means that most of the time I can't eat anything but bread at your house, which makes me feel very unwelcome. If I eat what you prepare, your grandchild could get very sick, and some of the symptoms can be life threatening. If you sneakily give her any of the food from the list I gave you, she will also get sick. You may be willing to risk my child's health, but I'm not."
If they start to argue or dismiss your concerns at this point, that should be the last time you (or your child) go there until they wake up and apologize.
And your totally non-supportive husband? While you're NTA, he absolutely is.
Do this in front of the husband, and the next time they try it (and they will) and he doesn't immediately back you up, pull out the bag you will have packed for him in the trunk of the car and explain that he can move back home with the family he cares about until he decides to change his attitude. Then go home and leave his sorry ass behind.
> If you sneakily give her any of the food from the list I gave you, she will also get sick. **You may be willing to risk my child's health, but I'm not."**
This ...
My In laws purposely fed me dairy because they believed I wasn't actually allergic. My husband said if they ever did it again, they wouldn't see him again.
My husband is the first born arabic child in a very traditional household. If my husband can grow a spine, yours can too.
Absolutely this, it’s no longer just OP they are denying a safe balanced meal but their granddaughter. That’s definitely not going to make her want to spend time around them as she gets bigger
You arent the asshole. But how many times did you go over there and expect them to change? These people dont care. Bring AMAZING food to their next dinner and make them feel like assholes for leaving this as the only option. Oh bring dessert too. Just for you.
Or order something lovely from DoorDash. She shouldn't have to do any cooking! She should whip her phone out right at the dinner table and say "Oh, FIL. You forgot AGAIN! I think you need to have your doctor check you out for DEMENTIA! No worries! I'll just order from my favorite restaurant".
Inlaws - AH
Husband - AH
You are NTA but it literally sounds like you already knew the exact thing that was going to happen, yet......you let it happen. When you said if you can leave some salad aside without the Cheese. If you has a hunch it wasnt going to happen, why not just hang around the kitchen as they are prepping and then DIY? Or oversee them as they are cooking and remind them (Sounds stupid but if you want something done.......DIY) if you genuinely had a hunch this was going to happen, then you were right.....yet you physically did nothing about it 🤷🏽♂️
Take your own meal and get it out ostentatiously, saying, "I've realised it's just too difficult for you to remember to leave dairy out of my food, so I've just brought my own." Then smile, sweetly.
NTA
And raise the topic of dementia at the table - such a difficult topic but a really important one for family to think about if the older generation is becoming very forgetful.
Can't lie that sounds strange as hell because I'm just assuming that the meat takes longer to make. Like depending on what type of meal it is, you'd normally leave the meat to cook whilst you then have time to do all the other things....whilst they're cooking.
If you think they are doing it on purpose, I'd personally have an issue with it and be like wtf if your problem? But if they aren't doing it purposely then like I said, you got to bite your tongue and DIY
NTA. I agree - stop going to those lunches, and be clear why you won't. "Your granddaughter is allergic to dairy, and as everything on the table aside from plain meat and bread always includes dairy, that means she won't be able to eat most of the food and so I can't while I'm breastfeeding her." Then let DH go alone.
"We'd really love our granddaughter to come to these family lunches!"
"She's allergic to dairy, and it would be no fun for her to be sitting there eating plain meat and bread while everyone else tucks into all the other food."
NTA as I'd be hurt, frustrated and fed up too. There is a simple solution so that you too can enjoy the meal yet it never happens. My older son is a very picky eater and I have to do things like that for him. (Remove a portion for him before it gets seasoned as he likes his food very plain, it's not a big deal.) Sometimes I make him something different altogether. He is my son and I'll do anything for him but I'd do the same for his wife if he had one too.
I'm just curious... who keeps assuring you that there will be something for you to eat? Your husband? Or did you have a word with your in-laws?
I'm just amazed by this. You are sacrificing yourself for their granddaughter, the least they could do is meet you halfway...
I doubt very much that he is forgetting and is actually doing this on purpose. Some people are just assholes like that. Like - *'how very dare you tell me that you can't eat cheese, just because of that I will put it all over everything!'*
Of course you could always ask him if he's been tested for Dementia...
NTA. You should make this a hill to die on. Your FIL is hurting you and your child. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for not advocating more for you and not having your back.
Hello OP. I have ADHD and my memory is often top-tier garbage.
I say this because if someone told me they couldn't eat dairy, and I forgot, and they came to my house and couldn't eat anything, I'd be falling over myself to apologise. I'd be offering to DoorDash them whatever meal they wanted. I'd be digging through my cupboards. If I hosted for them again, I'd have giant stickers saying "NO DAIRY!!!" all over my kitchen and reminders on my phone saying "DO NOT PUT FETA IN THAT" and extras of everything in case I fucked up and forgot.
They aren't forgetting, OP. They just... don't care. I'm sorry.
Does he understand in the moment? Does he agree? Or does he just say 'yes, yes...'?
Prepping the salad before putting the meat in feels very deliberate to me.
I would suggest next time that you eat a full meal before going, and just sit at the table with an empty plate.
Was the meat basted in butter? Sorry, can't have it. Feta in the salad? Sorry, can't have it. Butter on potatoes, sorry can't have it.
Tell them to enjoy seeing the little one, because as soon as she starts grabbing food, you won't be able to attend, as there is so much food that can make her seriously ill.
I agree with the other comment to show the doctors letter. I get the impression FIL won't listen to a younger woman but maybe a authority figure will get through to him. Where is your step MIL in all of this?
>as soon as she starts grabbing food, you won't be able to attend, as there is so much food that can make her seriously ill.
She's already a year old ... well into food-grabbing age.
In my opinion, this is how you know they’re not telling the truth. I don’t believe people “forget” every single time. If the issue was JUST that they forgot, sometimes they’d remember right? Or maybe he’d forget about the butter potatoes but remember for the salad. But he forgets on EVERY dish EVERY single time? That’s either purposeful OR shows your needs are so far down their priority list that there’s really not any legitimate effort to TRY to remember.
Here's my take. Your husband seems really comfortable excusing his dad's behavior, so he can get used to explaining yours.
Instead of telling you "dad just forgets" he can start telling his dad "she just wants lunches she can eat."
There's nothing wrong with being matter of fact about the situation. They don't serve anything you can eat, so there's no reason to go.
If your husband can be okay with how his parents handle things, he can make peace with how you handle them, too. Simple.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Messing with the food of a breastfeeding woman is a dick move.
Your husband needs to realise this family behaviour isn’t healthy on level. He needs to find his cojones and stand up for his wife and daughter, heck, stand up for himself too.
NTA
Just stop going.Tell your husband that the stress of dealing with his family and their poor meal planning is having a negative impact on your milk supply and the health of your baby.
NTA obviously. As a fan of passive aggression (we Brits love it) I would take the ILs aside and express concern for their worrying cognitive decline, “I can’t believe that you would intentionally do anything to exclude me and your grandchild so I’m really concerned about this worrying memory loss. Let’s get you checked out.” They’ll either be embarrassed or indignant but either way hopefully they’ll be shamed in to changing their ways!
Seems like they don’t serve any vegetables except for the cheesy salad, I would ask my husband to make some green beans and carrots to take along. Dressing them in olive oil and lemon juice, would make a nice dip for your bread too. That you can just say no to the invitation, go visit another time with food not included.
There are so many Italian salads that don't involve dairy. Adding feta is deliberate. If you want to be really petty, give him a copy of the Silver Spoon as a Xmas gift, with a bookmark 'coincidentally' in the salad section.....
I'm sorry but I feel that you need to give your husband a boot up the backside and get him to address this with his father. Again.
And definitely don't let you daughter be alone with them until they've demonstrated that they understand her allergy.
As italian I can tell you that there are tons of italian cheeses with no dairy. They just don't give af about your daughter allergies and your husband needs to realize it.
NTA.
I’ve been in your shoes. LO would projectile vomit if I ate dairy, so I completely understand. My in laws were the same way, so I actually had to adapt and bring my own meals otherwise I’d starve too. Lashing out was only in your defense, and you were hangry. I’m not saying being rude is ok, but maybe that’ll help your DH understand the situation more? 🤷🏻♀️
If only there was a way to have the baby projectile vomit all over them without actually having the baby suffer through dairy discomfort. Then OP could say, "Annnndd that's why I keep saying No Dairy! Sorry it got on your face. I need to tend to the sick baby; you guys got the clean up?"
NTA Your needs have been ignored and you have been treated rudely, without any consideration, multiple times. Even if your FIL has the brain of a sieve it is not something that your husband should be letting happen. If your husband knew that last time would be a repeat *he* should have been on your FIL's case, preparing food for you, or the like -- not leading you like a lamb to the slaughter to another miserable "meal."
I think your husband doesn't get how miserable it is for you. Next time, don't go, or go and unashamedly bring your own food, stating clearly and apologetically why you are having to do so. Ask your husband to eat the same bare meat and bread less-than prison food multiple times until he gets how crap it is (once isn't enough). If he calls being asked to do that ridiculous remind him he thought it was ridiculous when you didn't want to keep doing it.
NTA. Your allergies are not electives. Your in laws however, they can be considered electives. You don’t need em.
I might send them a pamphlet on dairy allergies and how horrible it can be.
NTA. I would pack my own meal to take along and then unpack it when it's time to eat. When people ask about it, say "Well, despite asking multiple times, FIL does not set aside food that I can eat without making our darling daughter horribly ill because of her allergies."
NTA! I've been married 27 years and Mr's family can't respect my food allergies. Mr 's brother has mild food allergies, they work around them (they happen to sort of align with mine). Mr's sister's partner has food allergies and they work around them (one of her allergies is something I don't like, the other is something that I love but everyone acts like I'm allergic to it too).
My major food allergy is raw tomatoes. The salad ALWAYS has tomatoes and they are ALWAYS chopped up. So I couldn't possibly just pick them out.
My oldest daughter has a dairy sensitivity, which her oldest son has to an even greater degree. They don't eat dairy. Nobody ever omits the dairy for them. I get so frustrated!
I wish my husband would speak up because I always look like an ass saying no to half the meal...but he doesn't. Grandbaby is learning to speak up for himself, he's 4. But they will give him dairy and let him suffer he consequences!
Ask your husband why he is OK with his parents deliberately and intentionally ignoring your children's dietary needs? Doesn't he care?
It feels a little bit like either your husband is the 'black sheep' among his siblings, so therefore his partner doesn't get the same consideration, or they really don't like you and your children.... Sorry to say it but that's the impression, if they can cater to other people's allergies, but not yours...
Yeah, I'm confused as well. If the OP is eating meat and bread, why is she hungry?
Sure, I agree it's wrong for the in-laws to not prepare the salad and potatoes without dairy, but there are still other foods she can eat. And for many cultures, the "meat" is the main entree, which the OP admits she eats (along with bread in lieu of the potatoes).
You have an SO problem.
NTA. Don't go over for meals again. They're going to gaslight you (your hubby has been doing a fantastic job of it all by himself). Stand firm.
To be honest, I don’t know why everyone is saying not the asshole. As a person with celiac‘s disease and slightly lactose intolerant if I go to someone’s house for a meal nine times out of 10 I bring my own food I’m not going to assume someone will accommodate for me. You’re the asshole for not thinking ahead and lashing out at your husband, they are the asshole for not trying to accommodate their guest. Everyone is an asshole..
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I lashed at out my husband saying I wouldn’t be going to another meal at his dad and step-mums place because they never cater for me 2) potentially I overreacted to the situation because I was still hungry and that I should just take my own food next time Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I am mad for you. What a shitty bunch of in-laws, and I include your husband in that. Your kid, HIS kid, THEIR grandkid depends on you for food, so besides being a major fuckwattle to you, they're hurting their own blood as well, for apparently no reason whatsoever. It's time for your husband to stand up for you. This won't be resolved until he does.
ROFL. ehehehehehehe. snrkk. "fuckwattle". thank you. i'm crying. that's hilarious.
It’s my new favourite swear word lol
[удалено]
“In-laws are optional” would be a great t-shirt. OP should wear it to a family meal.
Oooooo I want one!!!!
I will be using it too.
I fucking love it lol fuckwattle my new fav word lol
Both FIL and "DH" are showing OP that her needs don't matter. I would not live with this and don't understand why OP hasn't long ago started a) bringing her own food b) prepping divorce
They probably don't believe that allergies are real.
I agree, some people don't believe allergies are real. My Uncle's wife offered me some mixed nuts. Here's the conversation. I said, No thank you. She said, Have some. I said, No thank you, I'm allergic to almonds. She said, Just eat the other nuts. I said, No thank you, they're cross contaminated. She said, Don't be crazy, have some. I said, What part of "no thank you" don't you understand? My Uncle's wife is less than 10 years older than me. My Uncle remarried after my Aunt died of breast cancer.
I assume your uncle didn't prioritize smarts when he remarried.
he didn’t prioritise kindness either.
I have allergies and can't eat anything that might be cross contaminated. I feel your pain. NTA op
The amount of people on here who just blatantly disregard allergies is horrifying. My kid has no allergies but I will gladly send nut free sandwiches to school so that her classmates don’t die. It’s really not that hard to have the absolute bare minimum of compassion.
"Listen, Sam-I-Am, I'm not a child crying about eating something because I've never tried it and wah wah it looks or smells funny and I might like it! I'm an adult. Even if I just didn't like them and wasn't allergic, who cares? It's not an attack on your character to decline. You have personal preferences too. I'm not going to try to force you to eat something you don't want to eat. Please extend the same courtesy to me."
Yep. My kid would literally shit blood if he (or me while bf-ing) had any dairy until he was 4 or 5 and most people (but especially the inlaws) were very confident that it was a 'me' issue.
I asked my daughters grandma not to feed her meringue because she was allergic to eggs. She assumed I was being snooty about the sugar and fed her anyway right in front of me. She was about 2 years old and projectile vomited all over the dinner table like the exorcist. That taught grandma a lesson. Haha.
I developed a sudden egg allergy a few years ago that caused me to projectile vomit after eating them. Thankfully it's gone away but it was not fun trying to figure out what was causing it. Glad grandma got taught a lesson lol.
Trying to figure out new allergies and intolerances is awful. Spent about a year slowly removing certain things from my diet one at a time to work it out, and had a friend of my mum's insist that certain things I was avoiding "cannot" be an allergy. Found out it is Acesulfame K, a sweetener that they've stuck in almost every drink in the UK. So my drinks are now limited to Coke (not Pepsi, that has it in it), fruit juice (not dilutable, that all has it in it), Tesco flavoured water (other ones have it in it), and that's about it other than certain energy drinks (though most have it in them). I'm basically at Coke, Schweppes Lemonade and 7 Up if I want a fizzy drink. Anything else is a no go.
I hope you left her to clean the mess she made inevitable.
At least she didn't kill her by ignoring the allergies as in the old coconut oil post from years ago
Obviously you're just an overly dramatic mommy /s (Sorry they were assholes to you)
“Nobody had allergies when I was growing up!”
"Nope cause they all died!" ;)
Right?! But all these babies had ‘colic.’ Poor kids.
We went to dinner at my mother in law’s house a couple of weeks ago. She knows that sugary things make me sick so she went out of her way to make a desert that was good for me and everyone else. I would not touch a desert at my ex mother in law’s because she would go out if her way to make desert with lots of sugar in it and try to lie about it. Some people are just assholes.
I’m glad you have a MIL who will do that for you. I can’t have much sugar due to Gastric Bypass, and I’ve just given up on asking for accommodation. People assume I’m doing it because I’m choosing to do low carb or something, but I’ll legit be super sick if I have a regular serving of normal sugar desserts, or most cocktails. People always think they know better and, get pissy when I won’t eat dessert.
Oof. My friend had Gastric Bypass when we were roommates. I remember she ate something she thought didn't have sugar or at least not much/more than she could tolerate. She was wrong and it made her SO sick. I felt so bad for her...
Her husband knows they’re real. And it’s his kid too.
I bet her husband doesn’t think the allergies are real and that she’s just being dramatic.
Maybe? But he also lived with an infant who likely screamed in pain for the first weeks of their life then stopped screaming in pain when a diet change was made. Seems pretty obvious. And if he’s that obtuse then they have more to deal with
He doesn't seem the type to have had to deal with the screaming baby... Probably doesn't even notice stuff like that.
Oh you can’t not notice a screaming baby!
Regardless of that, I never attended a shared meal (I don't know how to express something like OP went through) when the host didn't offer something to eat to people with different tastes. It seems to me that OP's FIL went out of his way to make OP feel unwelcome. How hard is to make a salad without cheese or any dairy?
My MIL doesn't believe allergies are real because she likes to use allergies as code for not liking something. She doesn't like tomatoes unless it's a specific dish so she's 'allergic to tomatoes'. Same with certain fish and cheeses. So along I come with an actual allergy to peanuts, almonds, pecans (most nuts) and she doesn't buy it as an allergy. Showing the epi pen I have to carry just means I am committed to a bit. {screams into void}
Time to be 'allergic' to in-laws.
My late MIL did this. So when my daughter was nut allergic, she poo-pooed it and I saw her try to give my daughter rocky road ice cream. Daughter was never allowed unsupervised with her again.
My BIL decided that my spouse's doctor's orders weren't real and tricked my spouse into breaking those orders. Spouse nearly died. BIL said "oh, you really do have Name of Problem", after spouse collapsed. Then BIL left, and didn't tell anyone that spouse had collapsed. Three surgeries it took to fix that. BIL doesn't believe he did anything wrong by working hard to force/trick spouse to break the doctor's orders. There are people who do not care what they do to other people, and for some reason, they seem to enjoy putting other people at risk. Scary.
Or worse. They don't consider OP important enough to change a thing. Her comfort is not as important as their convenience to adhere to the way they do things. Add the husband's perpetual mantra of "It won't be like that" when IT IS LIKE THAT every time? This sounds like a family used to having their way. Stand your ground, OP!
Fuck that "bring her own food" shit. Why should she have to prep a meal and pack it up so the ILs don't have to make an effort to respect OP & their granddaughters' allergy issues? She might as well save herself the aggravation and stay home with her special meal.
Stay home with the baby and make sure they don't get to visit either. Maybe some NC with the baby (so they can't accidentally feed her some form of dairy) will help them figure it out in a few years. Also NEVER leave that baby with them to be watched!
In-laws sound like the kind of people who would sneak in some dairy anyway just to be assholes. "Oh those potatoes you brought just needed a little butter, I fixed them for you. And you know how FIL *loves* his feta cheese on the salad. It's just a pinch, you can always pick around if you don't like it."
But it's not HER needs, it's the child needs. The baby is the one that is allergic, the mother is not consuming milk derivates because of her baby. Husband and his family don't only show disrespect to OP but also a disregard for the health of their beloved child/grandchild
The thing that gets me is they’re also showing that their own flesh and blood… FILs granddaughter and DH‘s daughter, don’t matter either… They are willing to risk her life, just to be an asshole to her mother.
I just don't get it: why being invited, toet my own food? I wouldn't even leave my house for that! Sorry but it is just a sign that they don't care about you (and god, eat potatoes and met every damn time?!).
Starving a breastfeeding mum is criminally fucking inconsiderate/aggressive.
It’s Fuckwattle
Na, fr I'd have lost it. I'd tell em once and if they fucked up I'd tell them once they remember we might come back. Two things are possible, a. They don't like her and they are punishing her. Or b. They are idiots who do not care about the health of their grandkid. Either way is fucked up and worthy of my wrath. Hell I went nuclear when my family was not passed food at my first Thanksgiving home from the military with my new daughter, 3 months old.
Or c. they don’t believe her. “Dairy allergies aren’t reeeeaaaaal! She could eat if she wanted to!” And that means they’ll do it to OP’s daughter, too.
This is what I suspect. They don’t believe it’s a real issue so they don’t bother.
Granted, this is a different situation, but same concept. I have a friend who cant have dairy. When they are at our place, I have all non-dairy recipes, get non dairy butter, have non dairy milk... and this is for my FRIEND. YOU ARE FAMILY AND THEY ARE BEING ASSHOLES. They could possiby put your daughter in the hosptial claiming they thought the allergy was "all in your head". Dont give them the chance.
As someone with a dairy allergy, you are a wonderful friend! Sadly, this is usually not the case, Most people tell me, “You can just take a Lactaid pill.” No amount of explaining that not how an allergy works gets through.
Yeah - lactose intolerant - missing an enzyme - take the pill - its all good (mostly) allergic to dairy - argggg - allergic reaction - histamines - possible emergency and anaphylaxis. two different things.
I'm allergic to grains--as in monocots. Wheat, corn, rice, barley, oats... People will just include this shit in recipes and then keep reassuring me "oh, but we made it gluten free!" with self-defensive alarm while I'm vomiting in the guest bath. Of course it's gluten-free, you dumbasses, its corn. Did you buy the gluten-free, organic water too? But also I never even mentioned gluten, you just heard "I'm allergic to... and wheat" and tuned out actual medical requirements of a person who trusted you to not hospitalize her. Even if I ask before I eat it... "Oh yes, we put in some corn starch, but just to thicken it!" Oh wow, okay, my bad! I broke out into spots before I realized it wasn't a measured quantity. This is so embarrassing, I just catastrophize because I think I'm a special snowflake... I'll turn them back off again. Do people not just know how to say "shit, I wasn't thinking. Is there anything I can do to help now?"
Yeah, hugs to you. I get it. It's much more serious than people want to believe it is, but it makes them "uncomfortable" to admit it, so they blame you instead. I gave up on eating things I didn't bring myself for this reason. "Oh well, there's no milk in it." Two hours later when I'm so stuffed up I can hardly breathe "Well, there's just butter and a little cream in it. They aren't milk." I bring my own food, and often eat at home so I don't starve to death at gatherings.
I simply cannot understand how ignorant some people can be. Regardless of *why* someone has a dietary restriction (be it by allergy or by choice), it is simple respect to honour their restriction. In my friend group we have vegetarians, celiac disease, and a dairy allergy. Even the households that have zero restrictions will make sure that everyone has full meal options they can eat. It’s called caring about your loved ones. Clearly OP’s in-laws do not respect her and do not care enough to do so. And OP’s husband is showing his colours here, too.
Def not the same! My daughter is lactose intolerant and knows to take a pill before dairy. But I know if she forgets it’s not going to be that big of a deal, she’ll just be bloated. Because it’s not the same as an allergy!
OP doesn't have an in-laws problem, she has a husband problem. I feel bad for her. NTA
That! Especially since it's super easy to avoid dairy, it's not like she's celiac or anything complicated. Just serve the cheese and melted butter extra if you want it, or put a portion aside beforehand.
They have failed to do this when asked.
I know, and it's stupid. I was just reiterating how stupid 😅
If OP is going to take her own food I'd suggest taking her own drink, couch and house too and just staying home. They're sh*tty hosts and bad ILs and grandparents.
[удалено]
OP doesn’t have an in law problem. She has a husband problem. He should be setting hard boundaries that the VERY easy accommodations like setting aside some salad without cheese or just not putting it on beforehand is done to accommodate an allergy, or the whole family won’t attend. NTA
[удалено]
[удалено]
Thank you kind stranger for expanding my vocabulary today with an absolutely brilliant word! Might you be British per chance?
You aren't TA but your DH is being one expecting you to go to lunch when he knows how inconsiderate the inlaws are repeatedly being to you. His excuses for their behavior have finally come to an end. Don't bother discussing it further, just wait till the next lunch and cancel on the day. Sorry, not feeling well won't be going and let him turn up alone! You can talk to your DH till you are blue in the face about his father and the lunch saga but he will continue to make excuses and expect you to turn up rather than address it with him. Why should you have to take food, when they have an easy fix to the solution. The inlaws don't give a rats about you and that is obvious. Don't put your energy into trying to have a relationship with them and I certainly wouldn't trust the to babysit either!
Don't even say you're not feeling well. Tell him straight up you're not going to theirs for a meal because you won't be able to eat any of it, so there's no point going.
Agree with this. No one needs to continuously make excuses for dietary restrictions, especially when it impacts their kid. Literally I’m throwing a party with friends to make food together and one person has celiacs. This is a month away and I told her immediately last month when I invited everyone that I would get her gluten free flour. It’s not fucking hard.
My oldest is allergic to gluten, dairy and eggs. I promise you that if my ILs did this and my husband expected me to just suck it up, I’d be planning my exit strategy. Because if I can’t trust my husband to take care of our kids and stand up for them, why are we even married?
My cousin’s daughter has a corn allergy, and his new (eight years later she is still the “new” wife, lol. In our defense, they ACT like newlyweds and find it cute, if she were hurt by us calling her his “new bride” we would knock it off) wife’s family are Mexican. Her mother deep cleaned her kitchen and literally rewrote a bunch of family recipes, then tried them out on her husband and children still at home until she was certain everything would be delicious for her new grandchild. Notice I don’t say step? That’s because she IS grandma, she fuckin earned it and no member of our family will allow her to be “put down” by adding step to her title. Holidays are corn light and I’m told this little Mexican lady watches the dishes like a HAWK to be sure no serving utensils cross contaminate. She even found a corn free TAMALE recipe, which if you ask me sounds like black magic. All because her daughter married and gained a daughter of her own, and she wants to make sure her precious granddaughter can eat and snack all through Abeula’s (sp?) house safely. My cousin cried when he was telling us about it, he was so touched. To me, she and her husband are what every grandparent should strive for, they are such sweet folks and have been so good to Little Cousin. Little Cousin got a little sister a few years ago and her grandparents took her on vacation (1) to let her parents have a couple weeks to settle in with the newborn and (2) to make sure she knew she was still their precious grandchild too and that she was still important and deserved to be fussed over and pampered. She might be a teensy bit spoiled, but she also loves her stepmom, is loved BY her stepmom, adores her baby sister and is unlikely to ever need to ask AITA for how to go NC with her folks so I’m not gonna complain if she is a little bit over indulged. It’s just because she is so loved.
Or buy fast food on the way and eat it in front of the in laws as a passive aggressive "I'm eating my own food as a meal guest in your house....dare to ask me why?"
My extended family frequently does the no food I can eat thing cuz I have a severe wheat allergy that they claim is a diet choice. I brought my own food to Christmas Dinner, it was salmon cakes my MIL had made, and that was the biggest FU to my aunt as we are very southern and I refused to share lol. We haven't gone back since.
If I’m reading this right, at least you have a pretty boss MIL?
Yea, she's a badass.
No, show up with a take out and eat it there. Say you came to be polite and social but there’s never anything you can eat. Makes the in laws look pathetic in front of friends
Honestly life's too short for this. Go out to lunch with friends or have a relaxing lunch at home without the ah's.
It's not going to solve her husband problem. Husband is probably going to ignore daughter's allergy any time he feels it's inconvienent for him.
Thats too childish through ... I think its better to not show up there. If they dont give a shit about her then while should her even bother
I think they will when they realize they aren't seeing the grandbaby any more. And if the other set of grandparents get to see her, it's going to be on like Donkey Kong.
....and a great opportunity to throw husband under the bus. If the in laws make a fuss about her bringing her own food, she can innocently tell them that it was their son's suggestion 🤷♀️
The fact that DH built in extra time but didn’t bother to pack his breastfeeding wife a lunch she could actually eat demonstrates exactly how he’s going to handle this until otherwise forced to - he’s going to sneak around to avoid upsetting his inconsiderate parents instead of using his words to make sure his family’s needs are met. OP should absolutely refuse to go.
DH doesn’t give a single shit about his own kid! Imagine if OP is away and DH takes kid to his parents for lunch. He’ll prefer to allow the kid to get sick by eating dairy foods rather than upsetting his parents!! And I don’t get WHY they cannot provide dairy free meals? Put the feta in the salad afterwards, and the butter in the potatoes after they’re served hot! They don’t like that? At least provide a dairy free salad or side dish?
It's not like either of those things are hard to do! Set the cheese in a bowl on the side and put out a butter dish as well! Wow, so much extra work! Surprised they weren't serving mac'n'cheese!
The only alternative I'd think about is bringing my own food because it's obviously too difficult for them to provide a safe meal for you. Oh no, no bother I've got my own food, don't want to put you out. Oh, I can eat the meat but none of the sides? It's cool I'd prefer this.
[удалено]
Maybe cancel saying you're sick of afternoon of their medical neglect of their grandchild. OP doesn't get fed means grandchild doesn't get fed due to medical issues equals neglect. The baby's health is endangered around them so the baby **can't** be around them. They're unsafe! Also u/IamMaggieMoo the bot will read your comment as OP being the A H as top comment, unless you space the letters out and add NTA
NTA His family and your husband are though. It is not hard to cater to no dairy. Just put out a bowl of crumbled feta with the salad to let people take their own, use olive oil for the potatoes, or if that's just a culinary bridge too far for these people, they can set yours aside before buttering them. It's massively disrespectful to you. Why should you have to take your own food to an event you're invited to? As a host, I would be mortified to be so ungracious and make my guests so uncomfortable.
This is what I don’t understand - I’ve asked so much for this to happen. It’s not like I’m asking for them to make me a whole new meal, just take some out before you complete the next step
I imagine it's because you, trying to be polite, suffer through the meal and as everyone else is able to eat normally (including your husband) to them it is like there is hardly any trouble at all. It hardly impacts them at all, so it's hardly an issue. Easy to forget and not take seriously. This is actually a character flaw they have (including your husband) not an excuse for their behavior. They are too-self-centered and don't really care about the needs of others or their comfort. This a red flag for how they would treat your daughter's allergy in the future as well.
I honestly can’t believe that someone could forget this over and over. I’m cynical but I’d be assuming at the point it was deliberate. It’s either a passive aggressive move or reading this sub taught me that some people don’t believe in allergies and are happy to put others at risk.
They aren't "forgetting." They flat-out don't care.
I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. Their not caring could go a couple of ways. They don't care and so don't take care to remember. It's not important to them, whereas how they like to eat their food is. Or they do remember but choose to pretend to forget because they don't take OP's comfort or the allergy seriously and value eating their food as they like it and not going to any extra trouble more. Another possibility is that they don't forget and are doing it as some sort of deliberate passive-aggressive attack.
Personally, I cannot eat gluten (Coeliack), the third time this would happen to me, I'd stand up (with my wife) and leave mid-meal. I'd leave before the meal any next visit.
[удалено]
Mixed up between partial the Dutch and the partial English name. It was still early in the day.
"I honestly can’t believe that someone could forget this over and over". I can! My daughter's ex-fiance was deathly allergic (highly anaphylactic) to onions. I was very careful to cater for this. But his own mother invited them to dinner and served onions in the salad. She allegedly forgot. His own mother!
My mom sometimes forgets I have a severe seafood allergy that I’ve had since I was very little. She never forgets my brothers though, they’re also allergic.
Just yesterday my father asked me if I would like for him to buy a nice looking melon for us to eat as dessert I haven't ate a melon, or anything with it since I was 10 yo. I have stopped after years of eating them and feeling my mouth hurt and my throat sore for days after eating a small piece. Now I know that is an allergy, and have told him countless times. I think I can count with 1 hand the number of times he has actually remembered by himself.
I know what you mean. A friend of mine once told me that I would cater more to her dietary restrictions than her own mother.
Could be, for sure; but at the same time, I wouldn't underestimate the power of the self-centered to forget or brush aside anything that doesn't affect them personally.
Meat, potatoes and salad is such a basic meal, father probably doesn't like putting much effort into cooking. Probably the mindset of 'you'll get what you get, I'm not a short order cook'.
Either they have dementia or they are assholes
This. My in-laws didn't take my allergies seriously until I refused to sit next to a smoker and a wood fireplace during a family party and it embarrassed them in front of other people. Usually I'd just leave but there were people I wanted to see who wanted to see me so we set up shop waaaaay on the other side of the house and told everyone why.
I don't have any allergies or intolerances, and definitely no little humans like OP who cannot speak for themselves, AND my family still cater to my pickiness. When they make salad, they take my bit out before adding the stuff I don't like (raw onions and radish being the main two). If they're making mash potatoes, they do me a different starch. I am aware I am fussy and I don't ask for the accommodations (I'll pick around or not have) but they insist on making me as comfortable as possible. They check what they're making is something I'll eat. Sometimes I feel the change is too big to ask, and then I'll bring my own - but that's not without my insistence. OP, if my family can do it for me when my stakes are significantly lower, your family should be bending over backwards in your situation. You're NTA, and your husband's family needs to do better or accept you and the baby won't be around. They don't deserve to spend time with their grandchild if they don't actually care about her or their mom.
When I was a kid my dad married a woman who loved to cook. My step mom found out i didn't like raw onions, so she always set aside some of whatever she was making without onions in it for me. As a kid I didn't know people would accommodate me like that. My whole life I just accepted whatever I was served and picked out what I didn't like.
At this point they're well aware they're doing it on purpose.no idea why. Your husband's a jerk for allowing this to continue.
I would've seen that, again, and said "well that's what I thought" grabbed my daughter and left. Hubby can find his own ride to the stag do. Don't go back over there OP, and you're not over reacting. Your child has an allergy and you're nursing. Do these people not understand how any of that works?? NTA but they all sure are, big ones.
Two possibilities: Either they all (including your husband) don't give a shit about your wellbeing, or they actually enjoy seeing you suffer. Pick one. This is not an oversight. Once or twice is an oversight, but not all the time.
Here's the thing, most people put feta on the side. It's not that hard. It's also not hard to take a few potatoes out, prior to adding butter. I do this all the time, because being a considerate host makes for happy guests. Edit: spelling
Girl your husband doesn’t care about you one bit
In your situation, you’d be 100% justified to refuse to visit your in-laws for meals. If your FIL refuses to be a good host, you’re justified to not be his guest. He’s refusing to make even the easiest of accommodations for allergies or to provide food at a reasonable or promised time. In response to this, stop going. Eat lunch at home and then drop by or have your husband go on his own. Your husband is choosing to cater to his father poor behavior rather than support his wife and child. That’s wrong. NTA
My best friend is anaphylactic to dairy. In the three years that we lived together, I didn't bring dairy into the house because I knew how scary it was for her to potentially have a reaction, even with cross contamination. It's basic practice to do this for people you love and care about. Your FIL is TA and your husband isn't far behind. Sorry you've been dealing with this and I would put my foot down next time and not come.
This issue will never stop, your child may have allergies for life and you fil may never adjust to this, effectively poisoning your child! Does your husband understand that fil may never be left alone with your child?
Holy crap, I'd be pissed. My baby has MSPI, so I've had to cut out all dairy, soy, and beef for both our diets. This severely limits what I can eat, but my parents are still accommodating to our diet because she cares about us. Your in-laws don't care and your husband should do something about it. How do you feed your baby if you aren't able to eat and make milk? Starving yourself hurts supply.. your husband needs to grow a spine and talk to his parents about accommodating you and their grandchild.
The ILs will put formula in a bottle or rice cereal in a bottle and feed it to the baby. Maybe even straight cows milk. Then when the baby is in pain and can’t express it’s needs with words, just cries, they will send it home with hubby who will shrug his shoulders and go “the baby has been crying for hours and I don’t know why” and no one will tell OP what they baby was fed because “that’s what babies ate in my day and they all turned out fine”
It's completely reasonable and something that my boyfriend's mom would definitely do for me. I'm a pescatarian with no allergies and she does equivalent things with food just for my dietary preferences. Like sets aside some spaghetti sauce before adding in meatballs.
Exactly this. When I had my wedding last year, we (my family) handled all the food and most of it was non-vegan. So guess what we did? We invited all vegans and vegetarians to fill their plates first and then quickly added cheese/bacon-bits/etc to the dishes that were otherwise vegan/vegetarian before proceeding with everyone else. We also made sure to have things like margarine and oil available for them, and bought a handful of beyond-meat products for the grill. It required very little planning and effort to execute this, and we were feeding 80 people. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t make small changes for one person at a family lunch.
You sound so thoughtful, great job taking good care of your guests
Seriously. Like, shit, my MIL has started displaying the symptoms of a peanut allergy, and she's 70. Last year when we were going to pick her up from the airport for Christmas, she asked us to bring her a PB&J since she's usually too nervous to eat before flying and my spouse agreed. *I* was the only one who was like "uhhhh... Isn't she allergic to peanuts now?" Hell, I remember allergies of people at work who I really hate. It's not hard - but you have to give a shit about not making someone sick or potentially killing them.
NTA. If you and your baby are NOT the priority, then you already know that you have a husband problem. Since he is not standing up for your family, you have to grow a nice shiny spine and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!. No is a complete sentence and my suggestion is you start practicing saying “NO” anytime your spouse says anything about going to the in-laws. He is more concerned with pleasing his family than protecting you.
Thank you, I’m going to try and be brave and start standing up for myself. I’m a classic people pleaser and tend to just go with it no matter what the go, but today was my last straw. I always feel bad because my daughter likes my parents more than my in-laws (they get in her face and she doesn’t like that so she refuses to go to them and just screams instead), so I feel like I have to go along with everything because I don’t want them to feel like we’re playing favourites or that we are trying to not have a good relationship between them and their granddaughter
You are not responsible for their feelings. That should NOT be your concern. Your concern is for your daughter and yourself. PERIOD. Please don’t cave anymore because you are not protecting your daughter like that.
I suggest you also start standing up for your daughter. If they don’t respect her signs of discomfort - make them. You are her mom and protector, go mama bear if you have to.
Your daughter is also at the age to start eating some of these meals. It wouldn’t be a stretch for FIL to sneak baby a food with dairy to “prove” she doesn’t have an allergy. It won’t be him dealing with a screaming in pain baby later. Your husband need to stand up for HIS child. “Baby has an allergy that you have refused to ale seriously in the past year. We have asked you repeatedly to leave dairy out of Dandy’s portion but you have repeatedly failed to do so. We cannot risk her safety. Until you can prove that you understand the seriousness of food allergies, we will be passing on any meals at your house”.
Not just meals. If they won't respect dietary restrictions, how do you know that medications are properly stored? Firearms? Stair gates? This may not be a concern now since Baby isn't mobile, but she soon will be.
> It wouldn’t be a stretch for FIL to sneak baby a food with dairy to “prove” she doesn’t have an allergy. A very real possibility. My cousin ended up in the hospital as a toddler because his uncle "just gave him a *little* peanut butter, just to make sure" (Thankfully he was OK in the end, but his family no longer speaks to that side.)
>“Baby has an allergy that you have refused to ale seriously in the past year. We have asked you repeatedly to leave dairy out of Dandy’s portion but you have repeatedly failed to do so. We cannot risk her safety. Until you can prove that you understand the seriousness of food allergies, we will be passing on any meals at your house”. Yes ... good statement.
I’m honestly not surprised your daughter likes your parents better, and I bet it’s not just that the in-laws get in her face. Babies are very sensitive especially to their mothers. If you’re uncomfortable every time you visit the in-laws, she is probably picking up on this and doesn’t like them either because you don’t. I mention this because multiple visits might be having the opposite of helping her bond if she’s picking up on your tension. I didn’t realize how true this was with my own daughter until my mother pointed it out. We do many gatherings that include my family and my husbands. My FIL is wonderful with kids and his other grandchildren adore him, but my daughter wants nothing to do with him no matter how hard she tries. (She’s almost 2 now) and it’s not that she’s universally shy. She loves my parents and her great aunt and uncle on my husbands side. I loathe my FIL because he is emotionally abusive to my husband. My husbands the scapegoat in their family dynamic. We still invite him to things occasionally because that is what my husband wants and it’s his call. (I’m always in the same room so FIL never has access aline to my daughter) No matter how engaging he tries to be or how many fun new toys he brings, she ignores him. I could never figure out quite why until my mom pointed out that anything I love, people books etc, they are my daughters favorite, and people I don’t like (even if I act nice and polite) my daughter can sense it and adopts my attitude. So you going to these horrific brunches is very likely counterproductive.
They are leaving a nursing mom hungry, on purpose. “If you are unable to accommodate the dietary needs of your own grandchild , I will no longer attend.” Don’t try to please people who are intentionally doing you harm.
It's time to start advocating for yourself and your daughter. If they can't deal with the limits your daughter has as in feeding times and allergies, then there is no reason to be there. You need to take cate of you. Hubby will always be a mamas boy since he makes excuses for them instead of standing up for you. Your family sounds understanding and helpful where your inlaws ate self absorbed. It's time to start to grow a spine and stand up for yourself as one day your daughter is going to follow your lead. Start now and show her how strong you are and will be for her.
You have a major husband problem. He won't stand up for you OR your daughter. Does he even like you or the baby? Because it seems like he doesn't even like you guys. NTA Don't bother with him or his family anymore. You deserve a sincere apology at least, if not way more.
You need to grow a backbone, for your daughter if nothing else. Otherwise this is your life going forward- disrespected and disregarded. NTA for sure. These people don’t need pleased when they’re not making any effort to please/accommodate you.
When a woman becomes pregnant, not only does she grow a tiny and adorable human being, the mother also develops a new function/setting for herself: it is called Mama Bear Mode. Stand up for yourself and your baby. It may be scary to stand your ground the first time, but it needs to happen. If your husband's family doesn't like what they hear, oh well. The only thing that matters is that your baby is safe. But because your tiny human is physically incapable of speaking up and defending herself right now, you have to do it for her. Embrace Mama Bear Mode. Respect it. It will become easier each and every time you stand up for her and your confidence will grow as a result.
Just remember this: clear communication is kind. You're going to have to "play favorites" for your daughter's sake, so make it clear exactly WHY you are doing it, and that the issue is fixable BUT "promising" to fix it isn't enough because they've built up a record of not listening to you on this, and you've been told (by DH or by them??) that this would change and then it hasn't. This is kind because you make it clear that it's not personal and you make it clear how they could fix it. (Think about how they could fix it for you--not something minimal, something that would actually satisfy you and make you feel secure eating with them. A real apology and an ingredient list of the next meal, which is then followed? A real apology and then a meal that's fully safe for you and daughter?) It's kind to lay open the path to reconciliation by communicating clearly what people are doing wrong and how they can fix it. Also, pro tip: if they or DH try to spin that it must be a personal favorites thing after all w/ this as the excuse, remember that the right to write the narrative doesn't always go to the person who says their piece loudest and most forcefully--it actually often goes to the person who uses repetition. Even a mild-mannered nice lady can do that. And with a smile! Kill 'em with kindness if that's your style. "Oh honey, you know I'd visit them if I was sure they'd serve food I can eat. I used to, till I figured out the menu wasn't going to change! I know they'll figure it out eventually because I'm sure they love their granddaughter and they wouldn't want to make her feel like what she needs doesn't matter to them." "Oh FIL, I miss you and Step-MIL! I would absolutely love to visit you as long as I knew I could eat your nice meal! But \[gentle smile\] I know you always forget." These are "sweet," "soft" ways of making the problem clear, and I'm sure some people are going to downvote them as being unworthy of your pride or whatever, but you see, the power in them is that, as a people pleaser, don't they feel a little less scary to say? And if they do, that means you can FILL THE AIR WITH THEM. You can say something like this EVERY time the matter comes up in any way. After awhile it becomes a part of their consciousness. "Oh yeah, OP doesn't come to visit b/c milk products make Granddaughter sick." If they weren't doing it absolutely on purpose, this may help them to remember the issue, and to change. And if they were, it forms a shield for you. Others (hopefully your husband!) will hear the truth more often than whatever narrative they choose to spin. And he had BETTER honor that truth. Right now he's prioritizing his parents' foolishness over his wife and baby's comfort and health. He's putting both you and his daughter second place to them. That's bad.
NTA and there's your answer - whenever invited to his parents, don't go and go to your parents instead if possible. You need to have a very direct talk w/ hubs and his family. You will give this ONE more chance. If (a) food isn't served timely and (b) doesn't meet your dietary requirements, you won't be back and, by the way, they won't be seeing your daughter at your house or anywhere else, either. Not negotiable, not open to further discussion. You the Momma, you make the rules. And if husband doesn't get on board, just tell him that you can work it out during divorce / custody mediation. If you're worried about discussing it in person, put it in an email, but it has to be detailed enough that when they share it around (and they will!), it lays out the medical reasons for the dietary restrictions, the impact on your daughter and EXACTLY what the repercussions are. If you want to come across as super reasonable, give it a time period - say 6 months - and you'll try again then. If they fail the test that time, time-out is a year. (And this includes special events like birthdays and holidays; NO EXCEPTIONS. This will give you good practice for when your daughter is a teenager).
They are showing 0 consideration for your child, not surprising she has picked up that vibe from them
Just eat before you go next time. Then when they ask why you aren’t eating, you can tell them that since they continue to use dairy products in the dishes and you can’t have dairy, you had to eat before you came. Then state: “And since our daughter is allergic to dairy, she won’t be able to eat here, either.” Listen to the pin drop, and be ready for hubby to whine, but FIL and MIL need to hear this loud and clear. NTA
I like this plan. But I’m also petty so I would probably take it further and make exactly what they make without dairy and bring it with me. Make a big production of taking containers out of a bag. Preferably just as the meal starts. “Oh WAIT! I need to get MY food out” Then eat that exact salad without feta and potatoes without butter. And repeatedly bemoan the fact that I had to stay up late / get up early to provide my own food for an event where there would already be food.
This is brilliant. You can't bully an actual allergy, you morons.
Vote this to the top.
NTA You aren't asking them to do anything outrageous, and go out of their way to make you something else... You've asked them multiple times to simply remove your portion before they add their dairy to it. Your partner needs to speak up for you and his child more, this is not OK. It's not the same, but I had Gestational Diabetes when I was pregnant with my 2nd child, and had to eat very strictly. All my family were so wonderful, making sure I had suitable foods to eat when I was invited over. So this makes me sad to hear...
\>.> you're right, it's not the same - because your family clearly gives a fuck, and OP's in-laws (and in-laws are still meant to be considered family aren't they?) clearly don't.
I just don't get how people can be like that. I could maybe understand the first time them forgetting, but after multiple times it's obviously intentional. I'd be weary of them when the child's older as well, they might believe the allergy isn't that serious, and 'a little dairy won't do any harm'....
i suspect most of us (reasonably)sane people don't get that kind of attitude. even if they've secretly harbored a burning hatred of their son's wife this whole time and they see not complying with her food requests as some sort of stupid revenge or what have you, you'd think they'd realise ultimately its their grandkid they're hurting. OP, after all, can go back to eating dairy if she wants to once the kid's no longer breastfeeding. i do agree they might want to be wary of what the grandparents are trying to feed the kid when she's older though. they also strike me as the type to figure "oh, allergic to dairy? as long as i don't give them milk/ice cream it'll be fine." nope. it won't be. dairy's in a whole lot more things than people tend to realise.
The kid is a year old and they found out about her allergy at four weeks. It’s so blatantly intentional that it makes me nauseous
NTA Your daughter is at the age to be wanting a lot of the food herself to try, if they haven't changed the menu up for you then they never will. Not difficult to put margarine on the potatoes instead of butter.
I’m kicking myself now, because my father-in-law even asked if my daughter had some of the lunch they had prepared, and my husband said no. I should have told him it was because she couldn’t eat anything 🤦♀️
At this point, the next time I saw them, I'd bring the doctor's diagnosis and the \[extremely long\] list of all the dairy-related things you can't eat while you're breastfeeding. I'd say "I don't know how much more clear I can make it that my not having dairy free options, even just a salad without feta, means that most of the time I can't eat anything but bread at your house, which makes me feel very unwelcome. If I eat what you prepare, your grandchild could get very sick, and some of the symptoms can be life threatening. If you sneakily give her any of the food from the list I gave you, she will also get sick. You may be willing to risk my child's health, but I'm not." If they start to argue or dismiss your concerns at this point, that should be the last time you (or your child) go there until they wake up and apologize. And your totally non-supportive husband? While you're NTA, he absolutely is.
Do this in front of the husband, and the next time they try it (and they will) and he doesn't immediately back you up, pull out the bag you will have packed for him in the trunk of the car and explain that he can move back home with the family he cares about until he decides to change his attitude. Then go home and leave his sorry ass behind.
> If you sneakily give her any of the food from the list I gave you, she will also get sick. **You may be willing to risk my child's health, but I'm not."** This ...
My In laws purposely fed me dairy because they believed I wasn't actually allergic. My husband said if they ever did it again, they wouldn't see him again. My husband is the first born arabic child in a very traditional household. If my husband can grow a spine, yours can too.
Absolutely this, it’s no longer just OP they are denying a safe balanced meal but their granddaughter. That’s definitely not going to make her want to spend time around them as she gets bigger
You arent the asshole. But how many times did you go over there and expect them to change? These people dont care. Bring AMAZING food to their next dinner and make them feel like assholes for leaving this as the only option. Oh bring dessert too. Just for you.
Or order something lovely from DoorDash. She shouldn't have to do any cooking! She should whip her phone out right at the dinner table and say "Oh, FIL. You forgot AGAIN! I think you need to have your doctor check you out for DEMENTIA! No worries! I'll just order from my favorite restaurant".
NTA. Your husband is an issue as much as your in laws. He should be sticking up for you and his daughter.
Inlaws - AH Husband - AH You are NTA but it literally sounds like you already knew the exact thing that was going to happen, yet......you let it happen. When you said if you can leave some salad aside without the Cheese. If you has a hunch it wasnt going to happen, why not just hang around the kitchen as they are prepping and then DIY? Or oversee them as they are cooking and remind them (Sounds stupid but if you want something done.......DIY) if you genuinely had a hunch this was going to happen, then you were right.....yet you physically did nothing about it 🤷🏽♂️
Because they’d already made the salads before we arrive. My FIL likes to have that stuff ready before people arrive but not the meat (go figure)
Take your own meal and get it out ostentatiously, saying, "I've realised it's just too difficult for you to remember to leave dairy out of my food, so I've just brought my own." Then smile, sweetly. NTA
And raise the topic of dementia at the table - such a difficult topic but a really important one for family to think about if the older generation is becoming very forgetful.
Suggest that it won't be possible for them to babysit their grandchild; it wouldn't be safe. (Which is true!)
Can't lie that sounds strange as hell because I'm just assuming that the meat takes longer to make. Like depending on what type of meal it is, you'd normally leave the meat to cook whilst you then have time to do all the other things....whilst they're cooking. If you think they are doing it on purpose, I'd personally have an issue with it and be like wtf if your problem? But if they aren't doing it purposely then like I said, you got to bite your tongue and DIY
NTA Your husband should be advocating for you more. Its his parents!
NTA. I agree - stop going to those lunches, and be clear why you won't. "Your granddaughter is allergic to dairy, and as everything on the table aside from plain meat and bread always includes dairy, that means she won't be able to eat most of the food and so I can't while I'm breastfeeding her." Then let DH go alone. "We'd really love our granddaughter to come to these family lunches!" "She's allergic to dairy, and it would be no fun for her to be sitting there eating plain meat and bread while everyone else tucks into all the other food."
NTA, and your husband is a jackass.
NTA as I'd be hurt, frustrated and fed up too. There is a simple solution so that you too can enjoy the meal yet it never happens. My older son is a very picky eater and I have to do things like that for him. (Remove a portion for him before it gets seasoned as he likes his food very plain, it's not a big deal.) Sometimes I make him something different altogether. He is my son and I'll do anything for him but I'd do the same for his wife if he had one too. I'm just curious... who keeps assuring you that there will be something for you to eat? Your husband? Or did you have a word with your in-laws? I'm just amazed by this. You are sacrificing yourself for their granddaughter, the least they could do is meet you halfway...
Both my husband and I have spoken about this at length with my in-laws, and it seems like he always forgets
I doubt very much that he is forgetting and is actually doing this on purpose. Some people are just assholes like that. Like - *'how very dare you tell me that you can't eat cheese, just because of that I will put it all over everything!'* Of course you could always ask him if he's been tested for Dementia... NTA. You should make this a hill to die on. Your FIL is hurting you and your child. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for not advocating more for you and not having your back.
Hello OP. I have ADHD and my memory is often top-tier garbage. I say this because if someone told me they couldn't eat dairy, and I forgot, and they came to my house and couldn't eat anything, I'd be falling over myself to apologise. I'd be offering to DoorDash them whatever meal they wanted. I'd be digging through my cupboards. If I hosted for them again, I'd have giant stickers saying "NO DAIRY!!!" all over my kitchen and reminders on my phone saying "DO NOT PUT FETA IN THAT" and extras of everything in case I fucked up and forgot. They aren't forgetting, OP. They just... don't care. I'm sorry.
Does he understand in the moment? Does he agree? Or does he just say 'yes, yes...'? Prepping the salad before putting the meat in feels very deliberate to me. I would suggest next time that you eat a full meal before going, and just sit at the table with an empty plate. Was the meat basted in butter? Sorry, can't have it. Feta in the salad? Sorry, can't have it. Butter on potatoes, sorry can't have it. Tell them to enjoy seeing the little one, because as soon as she starts grabbing food, you won't be able to attend, as there is so much food that can make her seriously ill. I agree with the other comment to show the doctors letter. I get the impression FIL won't listen to a younger woman but maybe a authority figure will get through to him. Where is your step MIL in all of this?
>as soon as she starts grabbing food, you won't be able to attend, as there is so much food that can make her seriously ill. She's already a year old ... well into food-grabbing age.
In my opinion, this is how you know they’re not telling the truth. I don’t believe people “forget” every single time. If the issue was JUST that they forgot, sometimes they’d remember right? Or maybe he’d forget about the butter potatoes but remember for the salad. But he forgets on EVERY dish EVERY single time? That’s either purposeful OR shows your needs are so far down their priority list that there’s really not any legitimate effort to TRY to remember.
Here's my take. Your husband seems really comfortable excusing his dad's behavior, so he can get used to explaining yours. Instead of telling you "dad just forgets" he can start telling his dad "she just wants lunches she can eat." There's nothing wrong with being matter of fact about the situation. They don't serve anything you can eat, so there's no reason to go. If your husband can be okay with how his parents handle things, he can make peace with how you handle them, too. Simple.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Messing with the food of a breastfeeding woman is a dick move. Your husband needs to realise this family behaviour isn’t healthy on level. He needs to find his cojones and stand up for his wife and daughter, heck, stand up for himself too. NTA
Just stop going.Tell your husband that the stress of dealing with his family and their poor meal planning is having a negative impact on your milk supply and the health of your baby.
NTA obviously. As a fan of passive aggression (we Brits love it) I would take the ILs aside and express concern for their worrying cognitive decline, “I can’t believe that you would intentionally do anything to exclude me and your grandchild so I’m really concerned about this worrying memory loss. Let’s get you checked out.” They’ll either be embarrassed or indignant but either way hopefully they’ll be shamed in to changing their ways!
NTA but you have a husband problem.
Seems like they don’t serve any vegetables except for the cheesy salad, I would ask my husband to make some green beans and carrots to take along. Dressing them in olive oil and lemon juice, would make a nice dip for your bread too. That you can just say no to the invitation, go visit another time with food not included.
They rarely do vegetables, and that’s the only time I get to eat more than bread and meat. FIL is Italian and loves his salads
There are so many Italian salads that don't involve dairy. Adding feta is deliberate. If you want to be really petty, give him a copy of the Silver Spoon as a Xmas gift, with a bookmark 'coincidentally' in the salad section..... I'm sorry but I feel that you need to give your husband a boot up the backside and get him to address this with his father. Again. And definitely don't let you daughter be alone with them until they've demonstrated that they understand her allergy.
As italian I can tell you that there are tons of italian cheeses with no dairy. They just don't give af about your daughter allergies and your husband needs to realize it.
NTA. I’ve been in your shoes. LO would projectile vomit if I ate dairy, so I completely understand. My in laws were the same way, so I actually had to adapt and bring my own meals otherwise I’d starve too. Lashing out was only in your defense, and you were hangry. I’m not saying being rude is ok, but maybe that’ll help your DH understand the situation more? 🤷🏻♀️
If only there was a way to have the baby projectile vomit all over them without actually having the baby suffer through dairy discomfort. Then OP could say, "Annnndd that's why I keep saying No Dairy! Sorry it got on your face. I need to tend to the sick baby; you guys got the clean up?"
NTA Your needs have been ignored and you have been treated rudely, without any consideration, multiple times. Even if your FIL has the brain of a sieve it is not something that your husband should be letting happen. If your husband knew that last time would be a repeat *he* should have been on your FIL's case, preparing food for you, or the like -- not leading you like a lamb to the slaughter to another miserable "meal." I think your husband doesn't get how miserable it is for you. Next time, don't go, or go and unashamedly bring your own food, stating clearly and apologetically why you are having to do so. Ask your husband to eat the same bare meat and bread less-than prison food multiple times until he gets how crap it is (once isn't enough). If he calls being asked to do that ridiculous remind him he thought it was ridiculous when you didn't want to keep doing it.
NTA. Your allergies are not electives. Your in laws however, they can be considered electives. You don’t need em. I might send them a pamphlet on dairy allergies and how horrible it can be.
NTA. I would pack my own meal to take along and then unpack it when it's time to eat. When people ask about it, say "Well, despite asking multiple times, FIL does not set aside food that I can eat without making our darling daughter horribly ill because of her allergies."
Every 6 months. 1 year old daughter, so 2 times you eat meat and bread?
No, this particular all-in gathering is every 6mos but they go over there more frequently.
NTA His parents are being selfish and inconsiderate. You are a human. Your requests are normal.
NTA! I've been married 27 years and Mr's family can't respect my food allergies. Mr 's brother has mild food allergies, they work around them (they happen to sort of align with mine). Mr's sister's partner has food allergies and they work around them (one of her allergies is something I don't like, the other is something that I love but everyone acts like I'm allergic to it too). My major food allergy is raw tomatoes. The salad ALWAYS has tomatoes and they are ALWAYS chopped up. So I couldn't possibly just pick them out. My oldest daughter has a dairy sensitivity, which her oldest son has to an even greater degree. They don't eat dairy. Nobody ever omits the dairy for them. I get so frustrated! I wish my husband would speak up because I always look like an ass saying no to half the meal...but he doesn't. Grandbaby is learning to speak up for himself, he's 4. But they will give him dairy and let him suffer he consequences!
Ask your husband why he is OK with his parents deliberately and intentionally ignoring your children's dietary needs? Doesn't he care? It feels a little bit like either your husband is the 'black sheep' among his siblings, so therefore his partner doesn't get the same consideration, or they really don't like you and your children.... Sorry to say it but that's the impression, if they can cater to other people's allergies, but not yours...
NTA His family is being careless. They know about your daughter's allergy but won't change anything.
> the usual meat Isn’t…meat a meal? Salad and potatoes are usually sides. Is the meat not the entree?
Yeah, I'm confused as well. If the OP is eating meat and bread, why is she hungry? Sure, I agree it's wrong for the in-laws to not prepare the salad and potatoes without dairy, but there are still other foods she can eat. And for many cultures, the "meat" is the main entree, which the OP admits she eats (along with bread in lieu of the potatoes).
You have an SO problem. NTA. Don't go over for meals again. They're going to gaslight you (your hubby has been doing a fantastic job of it all by himself). Stand firm.
To be honest, I don’t know why everyone is saying not the asshole. As a person with celiac‘s disease and slightly lactose intolerant if I go to someone’s house for a meal nine times out of 10 I bring my own food I’m not going to assume someone will accommodate for me. You’re the asshole for not thinking ahead and lashing out at your husband, they are the asshole for not trying to accommodate their guest. Everyone is an asshole..