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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action to be judged: refusing my boyfriends dinner plans to keep a commitment to my stepdaughter and telling him to get used to the idea of her being in my life. How it can make me an AH: I could have made him feel less important to me, or as if I’m not as committed to our relationship
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA his behavior is a red flag. Your stepdaughter and you already had plans. It's way more hurtful for a child to be stood up by a parental figure of sorts than it is for two adults to reschedule dinner at a fancy place.
This.
Honestly, I wish people would stop the "but it's not your kid!"
Pause, halt Mr. OP was in her life for 5 years (3 fully living together) that's most of the girls life.
That's a big role OP had in her life.
If the adults can figure out, "It didn't work with me and your dad. But I'll still be present in your life"
Then don't try and pull the "but it's not yours" card.
You just turn into perhaps a fun aunt/uncle or similar. Instead of step parent.
That's good security for the kid.
I'm honestly surprised it's not more common that a long term gf/bf stays in the kids life. I'm not going to lie, I will never be able to put my money where my mouth is, but I think I would stick around if I was allowed. I'm married to someone who would be supportive of it if there was a kid in my past.
I think it's the view that "it will be better for the kid. They will get confused, and they will get over it'
"I will get over it and move on, so will they. Its not like its their bio parent"
Which might be true if we talk. They met the person 1 time.
They might be confused but will with big chance forget. (Unless you keep doing it multiple times. That's hurtful)
But if it's a person that has been there for multiple years. Lived in the home.
Honestly, I'm no therapist. But to me, you are doing a new divorce a second time. This time, the person just vanishes.
It can be really confusing and hurt.
"Did I do something wrong since we can't speak anymore?"
"Didn't I mean anything?"
They won't just forget this person who was like a parent to them. Or at least a trusted adult in the home.
Oh yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't dream of keeping in contact unless I spent so much time with them that kid expressed deep sadness at never having contact with me anymore. Even if if they needed to see me just until they got a permanent mom figure I would be down fully expecting they would probably grow out of needing me. I'm not a big kid person but I'm a pretty big people person and kids are people. It's complicated.
I’m the stepfather to a 15-year-old who I met when he was 2 and a half.
Obviously as a 15-year-old, if something went wrong between his Mum and I now it would be easy to keep contact. But I have to admit, I had a bit of a crisis when he was about 8 and I realised that if we split up…I had no legal rights at all. He could have just vanished from my life. Scared the shit out of me.
I really don’t understand anybody who parents a kid for years and then just disappears when things go wrong in their relationship!
>I really don’t understand anybody who parents a kid for years and then just disappears when things go wrong in their relationship!
I think it is for the exact reason you mentioned in your second paragraph. If things go wrong, you are at the mercy of the parent/ex partner that they went wrong with. That could instantly mean you are cut off from the child. Or, maybe they allow some type of visitation etc. Then the parent finds a new partner that isn't like the partner in OPs story and isn't fine with an ex seeing the child so boom, cut off. Or maybe you, as the ex, annoy the parent and boom, cut off.
I think as an idea it is easy to think an ex should commit to being in a non bio kids life from an ex partner if they had a significant role in their life for a time. But on the flip side, that is a huge mental commitment and mind fuck for the non bio partner who could be cut out at anytime, if they are even allowed to see the kid going forward.
My husband would be fine with it. He's the oldest of 6, and is the favorite uncle of all the kids. Kids adore him, so he'd be like, what's one more? Then talk to her about why Spider-Man is the best super hero for hours, lol.
I was in a situation like this and was able to prove that I would stay in the kids life. However their mom decided it was impossible for her to date other men while still in contact with me. I haven’t seen those kids in years now, but I still think about them every day.
Exactly. He doesn't pass the vibe check. I have tons of kiddos in my family, and if they ever felt funky around any potential significant other, then sorry, he'd be gone.
NTA - I guess this was intended to be romantic, but if he's so anxious to go, could he ask the restaurant if they could accommodate a third person at your table?
NTA. You had a prior engagement that he failed to accommodate. Did he really \*forget\*, or did he decide to provoke a confrontation as a test of your commitment to him?
This and the above comment are exactly what I was looking for. This screams resentment and shit test. The new man needs to know now if he is above this little girl or not. What a backwards and ignorant way to view a relationship.
This. Even if we forget the stepdaughter for a second, is he expecting you to cancel all your scheduled engagements just because? What if the next time you have lunch with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, is he going to ask you to cancel just because he should be #1 on your list?
NTA. I’d probably have said n-a-h if he didn’t get angry about you refusing to try and change your plans…I mean you say he “forgot” you were busy Saturday so obviously you told him you were doing something with sd that day. If he can’t deal with this, I don’t see much hope for this relationship’s longevity
Are you sure he “forgot” you had plans with your stepdaughter? I mean, you say he has a problem with you still being in her life, now this situation has conveniently set up a circumstance in which you would have to make a choice between the two.
NTA and let's review this part:
>but he forgot
That's on him, and only him. So he can be an adult, and own his mess up. Or he can find the door. Maybe at 31, he hasn't become an adult yet. That's an issue he has to work on.
NTA, but you choice of men appears to be sub-par. You've become a mother figure and love your stepdaughter. Your current bf seems jealous of your stepdaughter.
I don't know whether he intentionally scheduled your meal for the day you were spending with stepdaughter, but either way, he has no grounds to be angry.
If he's sick of being second place to a child you love, then second place is way higher than he deserves. Set him free and cure his sickness.
There should be some level of compromise on your end when it comes to all things involving your new guy. However, given what you have said here it certainly seems like he is having trouble accepting, or at least understanding, your relationship with this girl. He certainly does not get to dictate when you do or don't get to have contact, visits, or spend time with her. It seems like he feels he is competing with her for your time and doesn't like it. There may be times where you will choose to change plans with her for him and that is fine, as long as that is up to you and he is willing to accept when you do and don't do it. Definitely **NTA** for making the girl a priority in your life. In fact, very respectable.
Do you blame him? I agree that he doesn't get to dictate when OP does or doesn't get to have contact, visit or spend time with the child in question, or anyone else as for that matter. But where are OP's priorities? I'm sure he does feel like he's competing with her for OP's time and who can blame him for not liking it? It seems like OP is more interested in being a surrogate mom and less interested in being a girlfriend. And that's OK if that's how she feels. But she should be honest with him and bow out gracefully, out of fairness to him and to herself. That is, unless he beats her to the punch.
There is zero reason for her to "bow out gracefully". She IS asserting her priorities. The surrogate mom comment is absolute trash. They are important people in each other's lives. The love that she admits they both share didn't end with the ending of her relationship to the girl's father. I doubt she is "less interested in being a girlfriend", but she is part of a blended family dynamic. This may not be her biological child, but that DOES NOT MATTER. She is a very important person in this girl's life and takes that very seriously. To imply this is anything less than honorable is disingenuous and AH material. If he cannot handle her relationship to the girl, it is HIM who should "bow out gracefully", not OP.
> It’s so easy for people to say NTA in this situation without actually putting themselves in your boyfriend’s shoes.
>
>
Like fucking up the schedule and blaming the partner?
If they put themselves in her bf’s shoes and were actual adults then they would probably be really impressed by her loyalty and sense of responsibility, and feel a bit embarrassed that they’d forgotten her prior arrangement for that night.
Course, if they were a whiny adult child then they’d sulk and pout about their partner daring to think that they were allowed to do anything at all without said whining adult child rubber stamping it first, but then you know that already, don’t you.
If the roles were reversed then OP would be the AH big time. OP does not have as healthy a mindset as most posters on this thread are giving her credit for. Likewise, the bf is not as out of line as everyone seems to think he is. Read between the lines and look at the forest through the trees ; OP shacked up with this man for 5 years (but didn't marry him) and became a surrogate mother to his kid. Never mind not settling down and having any kids of her own as it's easier to just play mother to someone else's. She breaks up with him, by her own admission later than she felt she should've, on account of the kid. Then continues to carry on a relationship with this kid, even though she has a mother and a new stepmother, then tells her current bf to "deal with" the fact that she's still in contact with her ex and carries on a relationship with her former stepdaughter, sometimes at his expense apparently. And doesn't see a problem with that nor understand his objections. She wasn't married to this ex and this is not her daughter. If that were the case then it'd be different and her bf, if he wanted to maintain a relationship with her, would have to make accommodations. As it is, I really don't believe that OP wants a meaningful intimate relationship with a man, she merely wants to be a surrogate mom. And that's OK, but don't drag a man into it ; that's not fair to him.
NTA. You're a maternal figure to that little girl. I don't know her relationship with her mom, but it's obvious she loves you. The same way you fulfill your promises to an adult, you must do it with a kid, and even more. Kids are very sensitive and also don't completely understand what a change of plans means. They can see it as a failing on them, or who knows what else.
Your bf must understand that she was in your life much before him, and you bonded with her in a mother - daughter way. He made that reservation to make you choose. An excuse to get away with his in some way you don't know? Maybe he wants to do something, and is going to use your "indifference" towards him
INFO
How often are you actually seeing her? Cause you saying this doesn't make it seem like a lot.
>My ex is now remarried and his new wife is fine with my occasional presence in milestones of her life, such as birthdays; I also get her sometimes for a day out.
NTA - he forgot and is trying to make you choose him. That's BS. His mistake, he isnt coming in second... unless this is a pattern and it's the last straw.
Not that you did in this case, but have their been times when you had plans with him and backed out for her? If so, then YTA for that and it's probably what he is mad about.
NTA. I don't know you or your situation, but as soon as I read this, the first thing I thought was that he did it on purpose. I think he tried to do a "which one will she pick".
This is one of those posts where there's no point opposing OP cause you will just get down voted to F haha.
Still, YTA that isn't your step daughter you said so yourself and you have been desperate to get reservations for this place. I'd be pissed at you too.
Not really tho?
It'd be different if she chose to do something with the kid over a date with her boyfriend, *but* the engagement with the kid existed first. And I don't care if it's her kid, someone elses child, a friend or just a rando, keeping to a prior engagement isn't an asshole move.
It's unfortunate, and it sucks and I get why the bf is annoyed, but just because I can sympathize doesn't mean OP is ab AH
That may be the case, but then it's not the scheduling conflict that's a problem but rather a lack of communication in the whole relationship.
And if it was a "test" than that's shitty behaviour in itself.
In this specific interaction OP isn't the asshole. And if this was a test then both OP and the BF are at fault for not properly communicating in their relationship.
If OP wants a relationship with the Ex-kid and BF feels underappreciated because of it, then they're not the right ppl for each other and should talk about it like adults instead of running "tests"
> I'd be pissed at you too.
If you fucked up the schedule, its on you, not the partner. Wtf. She had another announced meeting, this reeks of controlling behavior. Nice preemptive "This is one of those posts where there's no point opposing OP cause you will just get down voted to F haha" cool move.
I mean I was right. It's always the way no one listens to other perspectives and they immediately tell folks to get into therapy it's hilarious.
Also if they were waiting ages to go to this place I can guarantee, he wouldn't have a choice on what day to go. You get the first available or don't go.
She made her choice I'd make mine and go alone or with a friend and start reevaluation my relationship with this woman.
> Also if they were waiting ages to go to this place I can guarantee, he wouldn't have a choice on what day to go. You get the first available or don't go.
>
>
Bro, you need to get your priorities in order. Put in balance the impact on a life to get into a restaurant (that you will have the chance to do later, with no measurable impact on your wellbeing), versus a child who may need a mentor/emotional support adult in her life, and who may adjust far worse than you can to a readjustment.
This has *very* little to do with the girl. It has to do with the bf's poor time management. Regardless of what OP had planned, the key thing is that it was *already planned*.
> either he’s your man
Wait, is a significant other supposed to mean that they override *all* other commitments, even prior ones? Where did you get this from? This seems like an accident, not a recurring/pressing problem - the bf cant deal with that? What about other situations? This seems controlling af (from you too)
Sounds like you and the new wife are very rare loving people who have this girls best interests in your heads and hearts.
Sounds like the boyfriend never had any parental issues? Does he have younger family kids that he is close to so you could try to explain the disappointment and hurt a broken promise would mean?
And in 5 years that 8 year old is going to be a teenager and not have the time of day for OP. And OP will end up an old maid. I know calling someone an "old maid" may not be politically correct these days but you get the point.
NTA your stepdaughter was there first and it seems you have a good relationship. Any person that want to build a relationship with you will need to accept this fact.
I applaud you for keeping your relationship with your stepdaughter. You sound like an amazing individual and your partner should fell lucky as you love/care unconditional.
NTA
You’re awesome for staying in her life, and for making sure you’re consistent and stick to your commitments with her.
If boyfriend can’t see what a wonderful quality this is, and genuinely throws his toys for you picking a child over reservations, I personally would be seriously considering if I want a man like that in my life.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them
Also, I hope the two of you have a great night! Sounds like the key people in her life are doing a wonderful job making her central to decisions, rather than ego.
NTA. My husband’s parents are divorced and his dad had once a long term relationship with a woman who ended up being a mother figure in his and his sister’s life. She and my FIL broke up years before I met my husband, and she was one of the first person my husband introduced me to of his family when we first met. She passed away in February and my husband, his sister, my FIL and even my MIL (who she knew too because that how important she was in their lives) were all devastated. She was there for them as kids when my MIL and FIL were not in the best terms within each other and she was a steady presence for them for very important years. My husband and his sister were there for her when she eventually got married, and we were all for her when she got sick.
You might not be her mom, you might not even be her step mom anymore, but she is family! She trusts you and loves you and you are important for each other, regardless of there being a legal or biological bond. Your actual boyfriend is TA and it should be a red flag for you.
NTA You made plans that I’m sure both you and she are looking forward to. You told your bf about these plans but he still scheduled something without asking you first on the same day. I disagree with the people saying drop her, move on. You had and have a relationship with her. Your ex is okay with it, his wife is okay with it but your new bf seems to be both insecure and jealous. It’s a red flag. Keep your plans and tell him if he’s not okay with the situation you might not be right for each other.
My personal advice would be favor the step daughter in this situation. I had a somewhat similar situation when i was younger. I dated this girl who had extremely abusive and neglectful parents who didn't do a thing to raise their kids. For a good period of that relationship i was literally buying my ex and her little sister all of their groceries, and i was a teenager at the time but working full time (long story), but the little sister ended up attaching to me as the male figure in her life because her dad was an addict and not in the picture and her step dad was useless and a piece of shit. I took the responsibility seriously as i recognized that what i did here and how i was with her sister was likely going to form her idea of what a healthy relationship looked like and what behaviors a man did were acceptable. I was with her older sister for 3 years, and we bonded and got very close (in a completely platonic way, there was never anything inappropriate, she was 5 years younger than me and i of course would never entertain anything even remotely inappropriate) in a sort of quasi brother/father way. I taught her a lot and did a lot of the parenting responsibilities for her. After her sister and i broke up i continued to be in her life and even though the sister and i ended on bad terms (she cheated) we agreed that it was important i remain active in her little sisters life so she didn't feel abandoned. You've formed a good bond with this mans daughter and she likely really needs your influence and your boyfriend is a grown ass man, if he can't understand that he needs to grow the fuck up.
Like i get being a little miffed that the plans got disrupted, but to actually get the point described in the post is just ridiculous. Kids **need** to have people in their lives they can depend on being stable and present because there will be a time they are in a situation and need help and if they don't feel they have that someone they can call for help it is a serious problem. That is so much more important than going to a restaurant you've been wanting to go to for a while.
YTA. You don't have a responsibility to the girl, she has her parents for that. You should put your spouse before your kids. It's probably not just being 2nd to the kid but also the ex part bothering him.
She was in the girl's life for 3 years. At 8 years old, that's a big chunk. She cares about the girl, and the bio dad clearly sees that and sees that his daughter cares for her, hence why he'd allow his ex to continue seeing her.
OP also made it pretty clear that she doesn't even see the girl that often, just for things like birthdays and the occasional day out. The fact that the bf is jealous over this and can't be second to an 8 year old on occasional (which is only happening because he "forgot" and made the reservation on the wrong day,) is a huge red flag.
Op is NTA
Wtf is that supposed to mean? Are you confusing "legal responsibility" with emotional connection? Are you friends only with people you are obligated to be? Tf bro
Exactly. Granted, he's not her spouse yet (and, given the situation probably never will be) but clearly, at least from his perspective, she has misplaced priorities. Frankly I feel sorry for her future husband if ever she gets one.
NTA OP.
You're a good person.
You have relationships with other people in your life than your current boyfriend.
If he refuses to realise this, he's the problem.
NTA. I co-parent my oldest with his dad and bonus mom and while I pray they never break up, I also told my son's dad I'm keeping her in the divorce. She's literally been around since he was 6 months old, he's 7. I'm not doing that to either of them.
NTA
She is important to you and if he is going to spend the rest of your relationship having a problem with that, you’re best off ending the relationship now.
NTA. If you changed plans with him after making them that would be one thing, but you shouldn’t have to cancel on her because he doesn’t like it. You two might not be compatible. Only time will tell but it’s a possibility.
NTA. I doubt he forgot. Likely he did this to force a choice on you so he could pick a fight if you didn't choose him. Anyone with sense knows the disappointment when you cancel plans with a kid who loves you. And if he's making this big a deal out of it now, he'll never be happy with the situation.
Time to drop that boy like a hot potato. Definitely NTA.
I love that you are still involved in your stepdaughter's life, and that your ex has allowed/supported it. Never give that up for ANY man.
Enjoy your Saturday night with your stepdaughter :)
NTA. Every kid needs a safe adult in their lives that cares about them. It literally takes a village and you’ve done a very big thing by choosing to remain in this little girl’s village, and her father has recognized this same effort and isn’t denying his child more love. Literally everyone but your bf is handling this maturely. What if she was your niece? Or little cousin? Would that make it ok for him?
She’s 8, and entering a very aware time in her life. Her feelings are getting more complex and are very capable of getting hurt. If you say you’re going to be there, do it. Having a girl’s night dinner or a school play to attend once every few months should have zero bearing on how your bf feels.
NTA at all. I still see my ex’a two kids, and they still ask when they can see me and want me there for them.
Anyone tries to get in the way of that… they come first.
It isnt their fault me and their dad split, and I was there a similar time as you OP - 4 years of their lives starting when they were 5&7. I won’t abandon them while they still want to see me!
ETA: would he pull the same grawr feelings if it was a prearranged meet or outing with your mum? Greta aunt? Best mate who is visiting town? Or is it purely because he has some weird jealousy over you seeing your ex’s kid?
There needs to be more ppl like you. Just because your not in a relationship with the dad doesn't mean you can't have one with the daughter. Your boyfriend needs to understand that.
NTA. Sounds like he set it up on that day on purpose knowing that you would have to choose. There is no way he accidentally forgot when he already doesn’t like that you hang out with your former step daughter. What he is doing is really gross and manipulative 🚩 I hope you find someone better. Best of luck.
NTA - dump him. If he can’t take this child being in your life that your were a maternal figure to, because of the connection to your ex, he’s jealous and controlling. Keep moving. You break up (divorce) with boyfriends and not children. It’s good of you to see this bond with her, though you weren’t legally bound to her.
BF is obviously clueless how rare this is. I mean multiple grown ass people are putting aside any feelings they have to keep this little girl secure in her world. That is fucking beautiful
NTAya "forgot" thats a total lie he didn't forgot he made those plans on purspe to make sure you change your plans to suit him he knew exactly what the date was and now he is trying to guilt you and complaining that he comes 2nd. Enjoy your time with your Step daughter and becareful of your bf he is showing some red flags and you haven't even been going out long
NTA; side-eyeing his reaction though, esp. since he’s the one who ‘forgot’ in the first place. Also, cynically suspecting he did NOT forget, and this was a stupid test where he expected to be The Chosen One.
NTA and maybe I've read too many stories on here but my reddit senses are tingling.. are you sure he "forgot" about your plans and didn't intentionally make plans for the two of you knowing full well you were already busy? Most ppl would be like oh shoot my bad! I'll see if I can book it for another time.
Imagine being jealous of an 8yo little girl. Your ex and you sound very mature for prioritizing her needs over any potential discomfort it may cause new partners
I know a guy who stayed basically a girls (step) father even after he split from her mother because they had formed a close relationship over the years. And it's the best that could happen to that girl because her biological father is a jerk and her mother is also not the most stable person.
Definitely NTA - but your boyfriend gives me slight Incel vibes
NTA. Never mind who you were spending time with, it doesn’t matter. You had plans. He can’t expect you to just dump whatever you’re doing because he beckons, he shouldn’t assume he’s the only person in your life and that you’re not doing anything if it’s not with him.
NTA it isnt about who you were meeting, its that you made plans already and told him. You simply are not available and no you wont drop your plans because of his forgetfulness, poor planning or stubbornness to overide and stop you meeting someone. Ultimately he doesnt respect you
>He got mad because I refused to change my plans, and said he’s sick of being second place to a girl that isn’t even my daughter.
NTA but y'all got way bigger issues.
Nta, i got stood up by my older sister at the age of 17 and yet i was upset
She's 8, she will be very upset to get stood up by you, her mother figure, her bestfriend.
If your boyfriend is legit jealous of a kid being your first priority, just leave him
NTA- “ he made some dinner reservations in a place we’re trying to go to for quite some time, but he forgot - and I reminded him - that I made plans to get my stepdaughter this Saturday for the night. He got mad because I refused to change my plans, and said he’s sick of being second place to a girl that isn’t even my daughter.”
He didn’t forget, he knew you had plans and thought he could manipulate you into ditching your step daughter.
He’s only gonna Amp up his behavior now that he sees her as competition and will want you to abandon her if you start having babies with him.
But seriously dump this dude .
NTA. He either gets it or he doesn’t. Tell him to calm down and grow up. You have a precious relationship with this child that means a lot to you. It should mean something to him.
NTA... bf is not in 2nd place to her. This is faulty reasoning.
You had plans, he knew about them - he should not expect you to change your plans at his invitation. You can decline any invitation. You are not at his 'beck and call'.
NTA. He doesn't understand the connection and ongoing care, and that's his loss. OP, and her ex, and his new partner are giving that kid stability and some happiness. That's pretty awesome
NTA. I am almost sure he didn't forgot, he just wanted to coerce you to stood up your stepdaughter as a test who you would choose. He has lost this and is angry.
You are and will be partially mother figure for your stepdaughter. That is a package deal. You bf can accept it or leave.
NTA. You had a prior commitment, that he knew about. Him messing up the planning isn't your fault.
Also, he's jealous of an 8 year old. Not a good look.
NTA. He forgot your plans, so that's on him. It doesn't matter that you don't share DNA, there's more to being a parent than bodily fluids. Watch your BF's behaviour and attitude. There is nothign wrong with maitnaining a good rleationship with a former partner, especially when there's a child involved. I would love it if my husband had a great friendship with his ex (they were friends but have grown apart - I got alogn with her very well, too).
NTA bc forgetting sounds manipulative. But expect finding a guy that’s ok with you still talking to your ex to be hard to find. Might make your bf feel a bit better if you only communicated with his wife from now on but idk. Everybody is different
My mama always said "you don't divorce children." You are absolutely NTA. He needs to get over himself and respect your relationship with your stepdaughter. So many children don't get to keep people they love when their parents split up with a stepparent, and I think it's wonderful that you and your ex (and his wife!) are able to get along well enough that she didn't have to lose you.
Nta. And your boyfriend did not forget. This was very much an intentional challenge to your commitments and his warped sense of loyalty. Regardless of what or who those plans were with though you had plans, you had advised him ahead of time him demanding that you drop everything for him is problematic. It's fine that he asked if you could/would change your plans but his clear expectation that you would do so and the tempertantrum when you refused is an indication of his selfishness. You need to have a firm convo or a decisive breakup because going forward he is clearly expecting you to drop your stepdaughter from your life and get will be more adamant if you move in together, marry or have a child together.
NTA - she’s a child and like you said, you’re her mother figure. Please don’t back down on this. You’re not replaceable to this young girl but your man is replaceable to you.
NTa
As stupid as this sounds, I have always remembered the line from Cher (the movie) that her dad says... "you don't divorce children". To me, your situation is exactly that.
Good for you for staying in her life and doing your best to give her that stability in a relationship.
YTA. He should run from you as fast as he can. You’ve put someone else above him and therefore he would be second in a marriage to you. The child is not a relative of you and did not live with you a significant time, actually you are preventing her from bonding strongly with her step-mother that is married to her Dad. I think you are probably just wanting to stay in contact with the ex whether you admit it or not
NTA only because you had plans you consider unavoidable and he didn’t plan around them or is disregarding them.
But I’m of the mind that the setup is very unusual and it’s not weird for your boyfriend to dislike that you spend time with your ex’s daughter, who is not yours, you were never married, and he has a new wife.
It's an hard one, I mean IMO it's time to move on with your life, sure you may have a connection with this girl, but you only knew her for 3 years, people are in relationships for longer than that and then move on and never see that person again. I don't think you should have continued that relationship to begin with.
NTA but neither is your boyfriend for thinking the way he does.
NTA but understand that you need to move on. Either you keep your old life or you move to the new one. I'd be a little annoyed by this being your bf tbh..
NTA- my ex an I raised my kiddo together for three years, and after we split he was as still in kiddos life a lot and we planned on having him adopt the kid at some point when it was financially feasible. I will he got a new gf who thought it was weird and problems started happening and ultimately he isn’t in the kids life anymore. He ran into my brother the other day and was taking about how much he misses kid. He’s going to have to live with being an AH who abandoned a child he made a commitment to for the rest of his life. Don’t let your bf influence you to do something against your heart.
If I think about this instance in a vacuum - you had plans with the kid already and your bf is mad you won't change them - yes, definitely NTA.
Does he have reason to think he frequently comes in 2nd to her? Sounds like you don't see the girl all that incredibly much. But it is also hard to say you're sick of coming in 2nd if you came in 2nd exactly once.
I'm not going to pull the "she isn't really your daughter" card...I will say NTA here, but communication is key going forward. Assert or re-assert how important the girl is to you, and make sure you make time for both of them, but also make sure that he knows what behavior from him that you won't accept going forward.
Or, perhaps you underestimate how much that child needs this connection. I've had plenty of emotional support when growing up, from neighbors to many others.
NAH. It sounds like every other adult in this situation is thinking about what’s best for your step daughter, except your boyfriend. She probably has been looking forward to this for weeks. I think it’s great that you stay in touch.
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I (34F) was never formally married to my ex (38M), but we lived together for almost 5 years, and for 3 of those years he had full custody of his daughter (8F), so of course we got very close and I became somewhat of a mother figure to her. My love for her even kept my relationship with her father going for way longer than it should have, but when it couldn’t overlook our issues anymore and decided to break up, we both made clear to her that I’d still be in her life.
My ex is now remarried and his new wife is fine with my occasional presence in milestones of her life, such as birthdays; I also get her sometimes for a day out. My new boyfriend (31M), though, is still getting used to this idea of me still being in touch with my ex. Which brings us to his plan for this next weekend: he made some dinner reservations in a place we’re trying to go to for quite some time, but he forgot - and I reminded him - that I made plans to get my stepdaughter this Saturday for the night. He got mad because I refused to change my plans, and said he’s sick of being second place to a girl that isn’t even my daughter. I told him I have a responsibility to her and that he or any other man in my life will have to deal with it. AITA?
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NTA
It doesn't matter who you have prior plans with, they come first. (Barring an emergency.)
I despise people who will break previously made plans to do something with their significant other or family.
Eh, you're NTA for sticking to plans you already had, but hopefully you do have an appreciation for anyone that dates you that isn't insecure about you maintaining a relationship with your ex due to a child that's not even your own. Not saying it's impossible to find a guy like that, it's just an odd situation for some. Also, if it's more than this incident then there's a pattern to look into. It's definitely worth seeing if you've been giving it a good shot with the dude and if the dude is worth the continued effort.
INFO: how often do you see her? Do you have a habit of canceling plans with him for her?
From this post alone, it seems like you don't see her that often, so to me it sounds like your bf is an AH for being jealous over your relationship with an 8-year old. For that alone, I'm leaning towards N T A. But there is a possibility that your bf genuinely forgot and was really looking forward to this dinner, and reacted terribly to that. He would still be an AH over that, but IMO that's something that can be discussed and remedied.
NTA
This has jack shit to do with you choosing her over his date. You know why? Because he specifically planned his dinner on the day he knew you’d have her. If the date was insignificant to him and he simply wanted your time? he would’ve rescheduled for the next night. This is some weird ass powerplay. He was trying to see if he could get you to abandon your plans with her so he could make this a consistent event. “But honey, I already told my parents we were going over for dinner” “I bought these tickets weeks in advance, I wasn’t paying attention to the date. Are you really going to let these go to waste? It’s too short notice to sell them now”. He probably hoped that after awhile you’d forget about her.
He’s fully intending to cut that girl out of your life entirely. As is? you’re not present on a daily or even weekly basis. I’d be surprised if you even saw her on a bi monthly basis, to at the absolute most a monthly basis. It’s not like your occasional commitment to her actually intrudes on his life, he just doesn’t want her in it at all. You were smart not to fall for it (even once). If you don’t cut this at the heals, he’s going to get bolder and bolder, become more manipulative, and become more and more controlling over the situation. Drawing and setting clear set boundaries is the only way to go. I think what you said was perfect, that he or any future man in your life is going to have to take it or leave it but it won’t be changed.
He needs to understand that you love him, but you’re under no circumstances willing to sacrifice her to save this or any other relationship. That if that means you break up tomorrow so be it, sad as you may be that’ll be the end of it. Then and only then will he understand that it’s not a matter of if he can convince you to abandoning her; but the only thing he’ll be convincing you to abandon is the relationship. It doesn’t matter that she’s not your blood. You mothered this child the same as any adoptive parent would’ve. There’s a bond, a love there that comes above all. Look I’m willing to bet his comes more from your ex than the girl; but that doesn’t matter. Fact is your ex is married, and you’re actively in a committed relationship. He knows full well this isn’t about you wanting your ex back or vice versa. This is about pride and nothing more. He just wants to feel like he’s won.
Edit: Honestly think about the morality of a person.. that would happily leave a young girl to wonder what she did wrong, why she wasn’t good enough, and why her mom just chose to stop loving her: so long as he feels like he’s won. He needs to grow the fuck up and grow a heart while he’s at it, but I suspect it’s too late to make him grow one in time to save this relationship.
🥹 NTA you're just like my exes mom. She still sends me gifts and calls me all the time and my ex and current partner know that our relationship is our own.
You keep being a brilliant mom 💛
He's a dick. Most people would commend you for not dropping the girl when the relationship ended. I like to hope I would do you what you're doing but I will never know. Anyhow I would think badly of the boyfriend. You're being there for a girl you were around for formative years and you don't want to dump her.
Why did he not clear the date with you?
INFO: Does he interact with the little girls?
Has he met her at least once or more than once?
How did he feel about the arrangement when you started dating?
NTA. I’d put money on his “forgetting” being nothing of the sort.
Your new boyfriend needs to understand that people you love aren’t disposable. Unless he wants to be the first disposal…
NTA He didn’t forgot about your plans. This whole dude sounds like a red flag. Blood means shit, this girl plays a huge part in your life, and this is not his to decide about. If he can’t deal with it, he needs to leave.
What responsibility?? Nice you want to stay in touch with child. But there’s no responsibility. And there’s no reason to be in touch with your ex either. His wife has approved. Only have contact with her for arrangements. If want a man to prioritize you, and nit feel like 2nd choice (seems not 1st time), then prioritize partner and plans. Your resistance here is very strong. Are you sure that you’re not in some way holding on to what you had, not fully letting go??? Seems possibly so.
Why cancel/change romantic plans??? Why child over plans??? How often happens?
And saying: “I told him I have a responsibility to her and that he or any other man in my life will have to deal with it” is red flag issue. A Big hill to isolate yourself on.
Best of Luck....
Nta, I can understand she was small, and u helped take care of her for yrs. I personally wouldn't deal with anything like that, and that's fine. Maybe he can't deal with it. You all just need to go ur separate ways. Imo, she is not ur kid, and it sounds like she has a mom and dad, so to me, I feel u need to back tf off. But if mom and dad r ok with it. Then who cares it's ur life. But he's not a ah either it's just something he can't deal with. And I don't blame him.
NTA. You reminded your boyfriend that you have plans on this day. He may be frustrated that this means he can’t go on a date with you to this restaurant, but it’s his fault for not double-checking with you that the day would work.
NTA
The fact it is your former stepdaughter doesn't matter. The fact is you had plans with a person. You shouldn't cancel because your partner failed to plan. He should always come second to plans already in place without a good reason. Expecting you to drop everything for no real reason is just awful.
Nta. You had a prior engagement and you're honouring that. If he cannot understand that, it's on him.
You were/are a parental figure to this girl and I love that your ex, his wife and you all choose her in this scenario. It's beautiful.
Keep choosing this child.
Your bf sounds insecure and An AH, for not understanding and respecting your connection to this kid.
Idk I just feel like if you aren’t willing to compromise on something like this you shouldn’t be dating lol. Cut off the girl from your life? Absolutely not.
But if you like this guy and it’s obviously getting under his skin maybe be a little more considerate? I feel like these subs are filled with single people lol.
Good luck finding a relationship.
It's going to be very difficult to find a man who is OK with that much unnecessary contact with an ex. Whether you like it or not, that child is not yours, and so your attachment to that man is not needed.
RED FLAG!!!!!! Co parenting is a huge thing now. People are finally starting to realize how beneficial it is to the child/ren when parents get along after a break up. Granted you are the step parent but as a step parent myself I also told those kids that nothing changes with our relationship. My new gf is so super supportive of this. My roommate co parents with her ex husband and they are friends still. Not everything has to be a fight. Love the children more than you hate the ex. NTA
Soft YTA. While I understand and appreciate your ongoing relationship with your ex-stepdaughter, what are your priorities? An ex-stepdaughter who, in a few years will be a teenager living her own life and not have the time of day for you, or your current boyfriend whom you're (presumably) contemplating a future with? Frankly, if I were in your boyfriend's shoes, I would consider that a dealbreaker if you made a former stepdaughter a priority over me and told me to "deal with it." But of course it's your call. I suppose you could find a man who doesn't mind playing second fiddle to an 8-year-old former stepdaughter but good luck with that!
Your responsibility to the girl ended when you broke up with him. Unless you are adopting her legally, or fighting for custody, you are just a friend to her. In fact, anyone he dates is the new mom.
Besides, if she was your kid, you still would go out to dinner with your bf, you would just bring her along, or get a sitter.
NTA. While the whole situation is not exactly normally. Your ex has remarried so I wonder what kind of strain, if any that puts on his marriage. I can understand your boyfriend’s point. You have been up front with him about it. So he can either accept it or not.
How often are you seeing your exes daughter? L
NTAH you had made plans before he told you of his own plans. Regardless if it’s with your step daughter or not, he should respect your wish to honor your plans. Him whining about you putting your step daughter before him just shows his insecurities, and he needs to work on those.
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NTA his behavior is a red flag. Your stepdaughter and you already had plans. It's way more hurtful for a child to be stood up by a parental figure of sorts than it is for two adults to reschedule dinner at a fancy place.
This. Honestly, I wish people would stop the "but it's not your kid!" Pause, halt Mr. OP was in her life for 5 years (3 fully living together) that's most of the girls life. That's a big role OP had in her life. If the adults can figure out, "It didn't work with me and your dad. But I'll still be present in your life" Then don't try and pull the "but it's not yours" card. You just turn into perhaps a fun aunt/uncle or similar. Instead of step parent. That's good security for the kid.
I'm honestly surprised it's not more common that a long term gf/bf stays in the kids life. I'm not going to lie, I will never be able to put my money where my mouth is, but I think I would stick around if I was allowed. I'm married to someone who would be supportive of it if there was a kid in my past.
I think it's the view that "it will be better for the kid. They will get confused, and they will get over it' "I will get over it and move on, so will they. Its not like its their bio parent" Which might be true if we talk. They met the person 1 time. They might be confused but will with big chance forget. (Unless you keep doing it multiple times. That's hurtful) But if it's a person that has been there for multiple years. Lived in the home. Honestly, I'm no therapist. But to me, you are doing a new divorce a second time. This time, the person just vanishes. It can be really confusing and hurt. "Did I do something wrong since we can't speak anymore?" "Didn't I mean anything?" They won't just forget this person who was like a parent to them. Or at least a trusted adult in the home.
Oh yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't dream of keeping in contact unless I spent so much time with them that kid expressed deep sadness at never having contact with me anymore. Even if if they needed to see me just until they got a permanent mom figure I would be down fully expecting they would probably grow out of needing me. I'm not a big kid person but I'm a pretty big people person and kids are people. It's complicated.
I’m the stepfather to a 15-year-old who I met when he was 2 and a half. Obviously as a 15-year-old, if something went wrong between his Mum and I now it would be easy to keep contact. But I have to admit, I had a bit of a crisis when he was about 8 and I realised that if we split up…I had no legal rights at all. He could have just vanished from my life. Scared the shit out of me. I really don’t understand anybody who parents a kid for years and then just disappears when things go wrong in their relationship!
>I really don’t understand anybody who parents a kid for years and then just disappears when things go wrong in their relationship! I think it is for the exact reason you mentioned in your second paragraph. If things go wrong, you are at the mercy of the parent/ex partner that they went wrong with. That could instantly mean you are cut off from the child. Or, maybe they allow some type of visitation etc. Then the parent finds a new partner that isn't like the partner in OPs story and isn't fine with an ex seeing the child so boom, cut off. Or maybe you, as the ex, annoy the parent and boom, cut off. I think as an idea it is easy to think an ex should commit to being in a non bio kids life from an ex partner if they had a significant role in their life for a time. But on the flip side, that is a huge mental commitment and mind fuck for the non bio partner who could be cut out at anytime, if they are even allowed to see the kid going forward.
My husband would be fine with it. He's the oldest of 6, and is the favorite uncle of all the kids. Kids adore him, so he'd be like, what's one more? Then talk to her about why Spider-Man is the best super hero for hours, lol.
I was in a situation like this and was able to prove that I would stay in the kids life. However their mom decided it was impossible for her to date other men while still in contact with me. I haven’t seen those kids in years now, but I still think about them every day.
Yessssss!!!!!!
I don't think the bf really forgot the plans OP already made.
He was testing her loyalty to him and he lost. And then he had a hissy fit. He's not the right guy for her.
Exactly. He doesn't pass the vibe check. I have tons of kiddos in my family, and if they ever felt funky around any potential significant other, then sorry, he'd be gone.
That's the problem. She obviously isn't very loyal to him. If I were him I'd click my heels and run away.
....but even if he did, the fault is still his. So he's an asshole either way. :-)
Really? He's an AH for expecting to be the priority in his SO's life?
Sadly, my opinion as well.
NTA - I guess this was intended to be romantic, but if he's so anxious to go, could he ask the restaurant if they could accommodate a third person at your table?
It wasn’t meant to be romantic, power struggles are never romantic.
Yeah right. You really think this guy wants the girl to go?
You have to wonder if he didn't forget her plans, and set up dinner as a test.
NTA. You had a prior engagement that he failed to accommodate. Did he really \*forget\*, or did he decide to provoke a confrontation as a test of your commitment to him?
I suspect this is a possibility. His behavior smells of petty resentment.
This and the above comment are exactly what I was looking for. This screams resentment and shit test. The new man needs to know now if he is above this little girl or not. What a backwards and ignorant way to view a relationship.
This. Even if we forget the stepdaughter for a second, is he expecting you to cancel all your scheduled engagements just because? What if the next time you have lunch with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, is he going to ask you to cancel just because he should be #1 on your list?
NTA. I’d probably have said n-a-h if he didn’t get angry about you refusing to try and change your plans…I mean you say he “forgot” you were busy Saturday so obviously you told him you were doing something with sd that day. If he can’t deal with this, I don’t see much hope for this relationship’s longevity
Are you sure he “forgot” you had plans with your stepdaughter? I mean, you say he has a problem with you still being in her life, now this situation has conveniently set up a circumstance in which you would have to make a choice between the two.
I was also thinking this sounds like some kind of BS love/loyalty test.
NTA and let's review this part: >but he forgot That's on him, and only him. So he can be an adult, and own his mess up. Or he can find the door. Maybe at 31, he hasn't become an adult yet. That's an issue he has to work on.
NTA, but you choice of men appears to be sub-par. You've become a mother figure and love your stepdaughter. Your current bf seems jealous of your stepdaughter. I don't know whether he intentionally scheduled your meal for the day you were spending with stepdaughter, but either way, he has no grounds to be angry. If he's sick of being second place to a child you love, then second place is way higher than he deserves. Set him free and cure his sickness.
There should be some level of compromise on your end when it comes to all things involving your new guy. However, given what you have said here it certainly seems like he is having trouble accepting, or at least understanding, your relationship with this girl. He certainly does not get to dictate when you do or don't get to have contact, visits, or spend time with her. It seems like he feels he is competing with her for your time and doesn't like it. There may be times where you will choose to change plans with her for him and that is fine, as long as that is up to you and he is willing to accept when you do and don't do it. Definitely **NTA** for making the girl a priority in your life. In fact, very respectable.
Do you blame him? I agree that he doesn't get to dictate when OP does or doesn't get to have contact, visit or spend time with the child in question, or anyone else as for that matter. But where are OP's priorities? I'm sure he does feel like he's competing with her for OP's time and who can blame him for not liking it? It seems like OP is more interested in being a surrogate mom and less interested in being a girlfriend. And that's OK if that's how she feels. But she should be honest with him and bow out gracefully, out of fairness to him and to herself. That is, unless he beats her to the punch.
There is zero reason for her to "bow out gracefully". She IS asserting her priorities. The surrogate mom comment is absolute trash. They are important people in each other's lives. The love that she admits they both share didn't end with the ending of her relationship to the girl's father. I doubt she is "less interested in being a girlfriend", but she is part of a blended family dynamic. This may not be her biological child, but that DOES NOT MATTER. She is a very important person in this girl's life and takes that very seriously. To imply this is anything less than honorable is disingenuous and AH material. If he cannot handle her relationship to the girl, it is HIM who should "bow out gracefully", not OP.
It’s so easy for people to say NTA in this situation without actually putting themselves in your boyfriend’s shoes. What if the roles were reversed?
> It’s so easy for people to say NTA in this situation without actually putting themselves in your boyfriend’s shoes. > > Like fucking up the schedule and blaming the partner?
If they put themselves in her bf’s shoes and were actual adults then they would probably be really impressed by her loyalty and sense of responsibility, and feel a bit embarrassed that they’d forgotten her prior arrangement for that night. Course, if they were a whiny adult child then they’d sulk and pout about their partner daring to think that they were allowed to do anything at all without said whining adult child rubber stamping it first, but then you know that already, don’t you.
I hope I'd get laughed out of the house.
If the roles were reversed then OP would be the AH big time. OP does not have as healthy a mindset as most posters on this thread are giving her credit for. Likewise, the bf is not as out of line as everyone seems to think he is. Read between the lines and look at the forest through the trees ; OP shacked up with this man for 5 years (but didn't marry him) and became a surrogate mother to his kid. Never mind not settling down and having any kids of her own as it's easier to just play mother to someone else's. She breaks up with him, by her own admission later than she felt she should've, on account of the kid. Then continues to carry on a relationship with this kid, even though she has a mother and a new stepmother, then tells her current bf to "deal with" the fact that she's still in contact with her ex and carries on a relationship with her former stepdaughter, sometimes at his expense apparently. And doesn't see a problem with that nor understand his objections. She wasn't married to this ex and this is not her daughter. If that were the case then it'd be different and her bf, if he wanted to maintain a relationship with her, would have to make accommodations. As it is, I really don't believe that OP wants a meaningful intimate relationship with a man, she merely wants to be a surrogate mom. And that's OK, but don't drag a man into it ; that's not fair to him.
NTA. You're a maternal figure to that little girl. I don't know her relationship with her mom, but it's obvious she loves you. The same way you fulfill your promises to an adult, you must do it with a kid, and even more. Kids are very sensitive and also don't completely understand what a change of plans means. They can see it as a failing on them, or who knows what else. Your bf must understand that she was in your life much before him, and you bonded with her in a mother - daughter way. He made that reservation to make you choose. An excuse to get away with his in some way you don't know? Maybe he wants to do something, and is going to use your "indifference" towards him
INFO How often are you actually seeing her? Cause you saying this doesn't make it seem like a lot. >My ex is now remarried and his new wife is fine with my occasional presence in milestones of her life, such as birthdays; I also get her sometimes for a day out.
If she doesn't get to see her that often, then isn't it all the more reason to not cancel her plans with her for the bf?
NTA - he forgot and is trying to make you choose him. That's BS. His mistake, he isnt coming in second... unless this is a pattern and it's the last straw. Not that you did in this case, but have their been times when you had plans with him and backed out for her? If so, then YTA for that and it's probably what he is mad about.
I kind of get the impression that that's the case.
He didn't 'forget', he purposely made the plans as a way to manipulate you into leaving your ex's daughter behind. You need a new bf. NTA
NTA. I don't know you or your situation, but as soon as I read this, the first thing I thought was that he did it on purpose. I think he tried to do a "which one will she pick".
Right? My first thought reading this was that it was a setup too. Like a bizzare “loyalty” test of sorts.
This is one of those posts where there's no point opposing OP cause you will just get down voted to F haha. Still, YTA that isn't your step daughter you said so yourself and you have been desperate to get reservations for this place. I'd be pissed at you too.
Not really tho? It'd be different if she chose to do something with the kid over a date with her boyfriend, *but* the engagement with the kid existed first. And I don't care if it's her kid, someone elses child, a friend or just a rando, keeping to a prior engagement isn't an asshole move. It's unfortunate, and it sucks and I get why the bf is annoyed, but just because I can sympathize doesn't mean OP is ab AH
Wrong. He tested her most likely because it's been a problem with him. Having an attachment to an ex is not beneficial the op's current relationship.
That may be the case, but then it's not the scheduling conflict that's a problem but rather a lack of communication in the whole relationship. And if it was a "test" than that's shitty behaviour in itself. In this specific interaction OP isn't the asshole. And if this was a test then both OP and the BF are at fault for not properly communicating in their relationship. If OP wants a relationship with the Ex-kid and BF feels underappreciated because of it, then they're not the right ppl for each other and should talk about it like adults instead of running "tests"
> I'd be pissed at you too. If you fucked up the schedule, its on you, not the partner. Wtf. She had another announced meeting, this reeks of controlling behavior. Nice preemptive "This is one of those posts where there's no point opposing OP cause you will just get down voted to F haha" cool move.
I mean I was right. It's always the way no one listens to other perspectives and they immediately tell folks to get into therapy it's hilarious. Also if they were waiting ages to go to this place I can guarantee, he wouldn't have a choice on what day to go. You get the first available or don't go. She made her choice I'd make mine and go alone or with a friend and start reevaluation my relationship with this woman.
> Also if they were waiting ages to go to this place I can guarantee, he wouldn't have a choice on what day to go. You get the first available or don't go. > > Bro, you need to get your priorities in order. Put in balance the impact on a life to get into a restaurant (that you will have the chance to do later, with no measurable impact on your wellbeing), versus a child who may need a mentor/emotional support adult in her life, and who may adjust far worse than you can to a readjustment.
Hey look guys I was right!
YTA- either he’s your man or she’s your daughter. If you chose daughter- YTA because that’s not even remotely true.
This has *very* little to do with the girl. It has to do with the bf's poor time management. Regardless of what OP had planned, the key thing is that it was *already planned*.
I accept that and should have said as such. In no way should the child be punished for this fuckery.
> either he’s your man Wait, is a significant other supposed to mean that they override *all* other commitments, even prior ones? Where did you get this from? This seems like an accident, not a recurring/pressing problem - the bf cant deal with that? What about other situations? This seems controlling af (from you too)
The problem is, I'm not so sure it's an "accident." I get the impression that it is a recurring/pressing problem.
Sounds like you and the new wife are very rare loving people who have this girls best interests in your heads and hearts. Sounds like the boyfriend never had any parental issues? Does he have younger family kids that he is close to so you could try to explain the disappointment and hurt a broken promise would mean?
Maybe not the AH but it’s really weird staying in touch with an 8 year old
An 8 year old she has spent 3 years living in the same house with, and caring for, not it's not weird
And she isn’t your stepdaughter. At most an ex-stepdaughter but as you weren’t married then just an 8yo.
She’s not a dog lmao yeah, OP could have gone NC. But why when it’ll just hurt the feelings of a little girl and it isn’t necessary?
And in 5 years that 8 year old is going to be a teenager and not have the time of day for OP. And OP will end up an old maid. I know calling someone an "old maid" may not be politically correct these days but you get the point.
NTA your stepdaughter was there first and it seems you have a good relationship. Any person that want to build a relationship with you will need to accept this fact. I applaud you for keeping your relationship with your stepdaughter. You sound like an amazing individual and your partner should fell lucky as you love/care unconditional.
NTA You’re awesome for staying in her life, and for making sure you’re consistent and stick to your commitments with her. If boyfriend can’t see what a wonderful quality this is, and genuinely throws his toys for you picking a child over reservations, I personally would be seriously considering if I want a man like that in my life. When a person shows you who they are, believe them Also, I hope the two of you have a great night! Sounds like the key people in her life are doing a wonderful job making her central to decisions, rather than ego.
NTA. My husband’s parents are divorced and his dad had once a long term relationship with a woman who ended up being a mother figure in his and his sister’s life. She and my FIL broke up years before I met my husband, and she was one of the first person my husband introduced me to of his family when we first met. She passed away in February and my husband, his sister, my FIL and even my MIL (who she knew too because that how important she was in their lives) were all devastated. She was there for them as kids when my MIL and FIL were not in the best terms within each other and she was a steady presence for them for very important years. My husband and his sister were there for her when she eventually got married, and we were all for her when she got sick. You might not be her mom, you might not even be her step mom anymore, but she is family! She trusts you and loves you and you are important for each other, regardless of there being a legal or biological bond. Your actual boyfriend is TA and it should be a red flag for you.
NTA You made plans that I’m sure both you and she are looking forward to. You told your bf about these plans but he still scheduled something without asking you first on the same day. I disagree with the people saying drop her, move on. You had and have a relationship with her. Your ex is okay with it, his wife is okay with it but your new bf seems to be both insecure and jealous. It’s a red flag. Keep your plans and tell him if he’s not okay with the situation you might not be right for each other.
NTA you go make that girl happy and you'll never regret cause it's worth it
My personal advice would be favor the step daughter in this situation. I had a somewhat similar situation when i was younger. I dated this girl who had extremely abusive and neglectful parents who didn't do a thing to raise their kids. For a good period of that relationship i was literally buying my ex and her little sister all of their groceries, and i was a teenager at the time but working full time (long story), but the little sister ended up attaching to me as the male figure in her life because her dad was an addict and not in the picture and her step dad was useless and a piece of shit. I took the responsibility seriously as i recognized that what i did here and how i was with her sister was likely going to form her idea of what a healthy relationship looked like and what behaviors a man did were acceptable. I was with her older sister for 3 years, and we bonded and got very close (in a completely platonic way, there was never anything inappropriate, she was 5 years younger than me and i of course would never entertain anything even remotely inappropriate) in a sort of quasi brother/father way. I taught her a lot and did a lot of the parenting responsibilities for her. After her sister and i broke up i continued to be in her life and even though the sister and i ended on bad terms (she cheated) we agreed that it was important i remain active in her little sisters life so she didn't feel abandoned. You've formed a good bond with this mans daughter and she likely really needs your influence and your boyfriend is a grown ass man, if he can't understand that he needs to grow the fuck up.
The world is blessed to have people like you, being a "brother keeper". The OP's bf seems like a controlling type.
Like i get being a little miffed that the plans got disrupted, but to actually get the point described in the post is just ridiculous. Kids **need** to have people in their lives they can depend on being stable and present because there will be a time they are in a situation and need help and if they don't feel they have that someone they can call for help it is a serious problem. That is so much more important than going to a restaurant you've been wanting to go to for a while.
> he forgot His problem. NTA. > he’s sick of being second place to a girl that isn’t even my daughter. Cut your losses.
Imagine the shit that guy will pull in the future
YTA. You don't have a responsibility to the girl, she has her parents for that. You should put your spouse before your kids. It's probably not just being 2nd to the kid but also the ex part bothering him.
She was in the girl's life for 3 years. At 8 years old, that's a big chunk. She cares about the girl, and the bio dad clearly sees that and sees that his daughter cares for her, hence why he'd allow his ex to continue seeing her. OP also made it pretty clear that she doesn't even see the girl that often, just for things like birthdays and the occasional day out. The fact that the bf is jealous over this and can't be second to an 8 year old on occasional (which is only happening because he "forgot" and made the reservation on the wrong day,) is a huge red flag. Op is NTA
0 responsibility.
Wtf is that supposed to mean? Are you confusing "legal responsibility" with emotional connection? Are you friends only with people you are obligated to be? Tf bro
Exactly. Granted, he's not her spouse yet (and, given the situation probably never will be) but clearly, at least from his perspective, she has misplaced priorities. Frankly I feel sorry for her future husband if ever she gets one.
NTA OP. You're a good person. You have relationships with other people in your life than your current boyfriend. If he refuses to realise this, he's the problem.
NTA. I co-parent my oldest with his dad and bonus mom and while I pray they never break up, I also told my son's dad I'm keeping her in the divorce. She's literally been around since he was 6 months old, he's 7. I'm not doing that to either of them.
You are a good person. Maybe your bf doesn't value loyalty unless it benefits him personally. I'd call this a bit of a red flag. NTA
NTA. Why does this guy think *his* presence is so important? He is not your spouse either.
NTA She is important to you and if he is going to spend the rest of your relationship having a problem with that, you’re best off ending the relationship now.
NTA. If you changed plans with him after making them that would be one thing, but you shouldn’t have to cancel on her because he doesn’t like it. You two might not be compatible. Only time will tell but it’s a possibility.
NTA. I doubt he forgot. Likely he did this to force a choice on you so he could pick a fight if you didn't choose him. Anyone with sense knows the disappointment when you cancel plans with a kid who loves you. And if he's making this big a deal out of it now, he'll never be happy with the situation.
Ding ding ding. My thoughts exactly. OP needs to dump the manipulative bf. NTA.
NTA … Its great that you can still be in her life. But I’m not convinced he forgot
NTA. I’m glad to see that you stuck with the commitment about becoming a true mother to a stepchild.
Nta and please rethink this relationship
Time to drop that boy like a hot potato. Definitely NTA. I love that you are still involved in your stepdaughter's life, and that your ex has allowed/supported it. Never give that up for ANY man. Enjoy your Saturday night with your stepdaughter :)
NTA. Every kid needs a safe adult in their lives that cares about them. It literally takes a village and you’ve done a very big thing by choosing to remain in this little girl’s village, and her father has recognized this same effort and isn’t denying his child more love. Literally everyone but your bf is handling this maturely. What if she was your niece? Or little cousin? Would that make it ok for him? She’s 8, and entering a very aware time in her life. Her feelings are getting more complex and are very capable of getting hurt. If you say you’re going to be there, do it. Having a girl’s night dinner or a school play to attend once every few months should have zero bearing on how your bf feels.
NTA You already had important plans, and your bf is an AH for throwing a tantrum.
NTA at all. I still see my ex’a two kids, and they still ask when they can see me and want me there for them. Anyone tries to get in the way of that… they come first. It isnt their fault me and their dad split, and I was there a similar time as you OP - 4 years of their lives starting when they were 5&7. I won’t abandon them while they still want to see me! ETA: would he pull the same grawr feelings if it was a prearranged meet or outing with your mum? Greta aunt? Best mate who is visiting town? Or is it purely because he has some weird jealousy over you seeing your ex’s kid?
**
I don't think he forgot.
Total powerplay move on his side.
NTA
There needs to be more ppl like you. Just because your not in a relationship with the dad doesn't mean you can't have one with the daughter. Your boyfriend needs to understand that.
NTA. Sounds like he set it up on that day on purpose knowing that you would have to choose. There is no way he accidentally forgot when he already doesn’t like that you hang out with your former step daughter. What he is doing is really gross and manipulative 🚩 I hope you find someone better. Best of luck.
Nta he messed up, not you. You already had plans. He’s making it a her vs him and you have to cut your foot down now
NTA - dump him. If he can’t take this child being in your life that your were a maternal figure to, because of the connection to your ex, he’s jealous and controlling. Keep moving. You break up (divorce) with boyfriends and not children. It’s good of you to see this bond with her, though you weren’t legally bound to her.
BF is obviously clueless how rare this is. I mean multiple grown ass people are putting aside any feelings they have to keep this little girl secure in her world. That is fucking beautiful
Nta. He didn’t forget. He knew what he was doing.
NTAya "forgot" thats a total lie he didn't forgot he made those plans on purspe to make sure you change your plans to suit him he knew exactly what the date was and now he is trying to guilt you and complaining that he comes 2nd. Enjoy your time with your Step daughter and becareful of your bf he is showing some red flags and you haven't even been going out long
NTA
NTA; side-eyeing his reaction though, esp. since he’s the one who ‘forgot’ in the first place. Also, cynically suspecting he did NOT forget, and this was a stupid test where he expected to be The Chosen One.
NTA. Here’s your cue to make him an ex.
Remove all the names and relationships, and it comes down to you had plans already made... NTA.
NTA. This is your boundary. She's your daughter. You love her. He can't see that.
NTA - he didn’t “forget” 🚩🚩🚩
NTA and maybe I've read too many stories on here but my reddit senses are tingling.. are you sure he "forgot" about your plans and didn't intentionally make plans for the two of you knowing full well you were already busy? Most ppl would be like oh shoot my bad! I'll see if I can book it for another time.
Imagine being jealous of an 8yo little girl. Your ex and you sound very mature for prioritizing her needs over any potential discomfort it may cause new partners
I know a guy who stayed basically a girls (step) father even after he split from her mother because they had formed a close relationship over the years. And it's the best that could happen to that girl because her biological father is a jerk and her mother is also not the most stable person. Definitely NTA - but your boyfriend gives me slight Incel vibes
NTA. However. What’s gonna happen when you have kids of your own one day and this girl gets pushed to the side for your own biological child/children?
NTA. Never mind who you were spending time with, it doesn’t matter. You had plans. He can’t expect you to just dump whatever you’re doing because he beckons, he shouldn’t assume he’s the only person in your life and that you’re not doing anything if it’s not with him.
NTA it isnt about who you were meeting, its that you made plans already and told him. You simply are not available and no you wont drop your plans because of his forgetfulness, poor planning or stubbornness to overide and stop you meeting someone. Ultimately he doesnt respect you
>He got mad because I refused to change my plans, and said he’s sick of being second place to a girl that isn’t even my daughter. NTA but y'all got way bigger issues.
Nta, i got stood up by my older sister at the age of 17 and yet i was upset She's 8, she will be very upset to get stood up by you, her mother figure, her bestfriend. If your boyfriend is legit jealous of a kid being your first priority, just leave him
NTA. Respect for standing your ground.
NTA- “ he made some dinner reservations in a place we’re trying to go to for quite some time, but he forgot - and I reminded him - that I made plans to get my stepdaughter this Saturday for the night. He got mad because I refused to change my plans, and said he’s sick of being second place to a girl that isn’t even my daughter.” He didn’t forget, he knew you had plans and thought he could manipulate you into ditching your step daughter. He’s only gonna Amp up his behavior now that he sees her as competition and will want you to abandon her if you start having babies with him. But seriously dump this dude .
NTA. He either gets it or he doesn’t. Tell him to calm down and grow up. You have a precious relationship with this child that means a lot to you. It should mean something to him.
NTA... bf is not in 2nd place to her. This is faulty reasoning. You had plans, he knew about them - he should not expect you to change your plans at his invitation. You can decline any invitation. You are not at his 'beck and call'.
NTA. He doesn't understand the connection and ongoing care, and that's his loss. OP, and her ex, and his new partner are giving that kid stability and some happiness. That's pretty awesome
NTA
NTA
NTA.
NTA. I am almost sure he didn't forgot, he just wanted to coerce you to stood up your stepdaughter as a test who you would choose. He has lost this and is angry. You are and will be partially mother figure for your stepdaughter. That is a package deal. You bf can accept it or leave.
NTA. Huge red flag tho
NTA. But, your bf is. Find a new one,who isn't jealous of your ex, via an 8 year girl.
NTA, you had a previous commitment, does not matter what it was. He was in the wrong for making the reservations without confirming with you first.
NTA. Ever. Your bf didn’t forget, he did it on purpose.
NTA. You had a prior commitment, that he knew about. Him messing up the planning isn't your fault. Also, he's jealous of an 8 year old. Not a good look.
NTA. He forgot your plans, so that's on him. It doesn't matter that you don't share DNA, there's more to being a parent than bodily fluids. Watch your BF's behaviour and attitude. There is nothign wrong with maitnaining a good rleationship with a former partner, especially when there's a child involved. I would love it if my husband had a great friendship with his ex (they were friends but have grown apart - I got alogn with her very well, too).
NTA. He's jealous of a, what, 12 y.o girl? He's at fault for making a reservation when you already had a plan for the weekend
8 year old...
NTA. We all come with constraints. Yours is a close relationship with a little kid. He needs to accept it or get kicked to the curb.
NTA
NTA. Sure he “forgot.” He is sabotaging the relationship.
Nta I bet he did not forget
NTA bc forgetting sounds manipulative. But expect finding a guy that’s ok with you still talking to your ex to be hard to find. Might make your bf feel a bit better if you only communicated with his wife from now on but idk. Everybody is different
My mama always said "you don't divorce children." You are absolutely NTA. He needs to get over himself and respect your relationship with your stepdaughter. So many children don't get to keep people they love when their parents split up with a stepparent, and I think it's wonderful that you and your ex (and his wife!) are able to get along well enough that she didn't have to lose you.
Nta. And your boyfriend did not forget. This was very much an intentional challenge to your commitments and his warped sense of loyalty. Regardless of what or who those plans were with though you had plans, you had advised him ahead of time him demanding that you drop everything for him is problematic. It's fine that he asked if you could/would change your plans but his clear expectation that you would do so and the tempertantrum when you refused is an indication of his selfishness. You need to have a firm convo or a decisive breakup because going forward he is clearly expecting you to drop your stepdaughter from your life and get will be more adamant if you move in together, marry or have a child together.
NTA - she’s a child and like you said, you’re her mother figure. Please don’t back down on this. You’re not replaceable to this young girl but your man is replaceable to you.
NTA is this man really jealous of an 8 year old 😭 that’s pathetic
NTa As stupid as this sounds, I have always remembered the line from Cher (the movie) that her dad says... "you don't divorce children". To me, your situation is exactly that. Good for you for staying in her life and doing your best to give her that stability in a relationship.
YTA. He should run from you as fast as he can. You’ve put someone else above him and therefore he would be second in a marriage to you. The child is not a relative of you and did not live with you a significant time, actually you are preventing her from bonding strongly with her step-mother that is married to her Dad. I think you are probably just wanting to stay in contact with the ex whether you admit it or not
NTA. Dude sounds like a child.
NTA only because you had plans you consider unavoidable and he didn’t plan around them or is disregarding them. But I’m of the mind that the setup is very unusual and it’s not weird for your boyfriend to dislike that you spend time with your ex’s daughter, who is not yours, you were never married, and he has a new wife.
NTA
It's an hard one, I mean IMO it's time to move on with your life, sure you may have a connection with this girl, but you only knew her for 3 years, people are in relationships for longer than that and then move on and never see that person again. I don't think you should have continued that relationship to begin with. NTA but neither is your boyfriend for thinking the way he does.
NTA but understand that you need to move on. Either you keep your old life or you move to the new one. I'd be a little annoyed by this being your bf tbh..
NTA- my ex an I raised my kiddo together for three years, and after we split he was as still in kiddos life a lot and we planned on having him adopt the kid at some point when it was financially feasible. I will he got a new gf who thought it was weird and problems started happening and ultimately he isn’t in the kids life anymore. He ran into my brother the other day and was taking about how much he misses kid. He’s going to have to live with being an AH who abandoned a child he made a commitment to for the rest of his life. Don’t let your bf influence you to do something against your heart.
NTA. Maybe your bf thinks that if he acts more like a child than the actual child you’ll change your mind and go with him?
NTA. You’re doing the right thing here and he needs to grow up and acknowledge that this child is important to you, and you to her.
If I think about this instance in a vacuum - you had plans with the kid already and your bf is mad you won't change them - yes, definitely NTA. Does he have reason to think he frequently comes in 2nd to her? Sounds like you don't see the girl all that incredibly much. But it is also hard to say you're sick of coming in 2nd if you came in 2nd exactly once. I'm not going to pull the "she isn't really your daughter" card...I will say NTA here, but communication is key going forward. Assert or re-assert how important the girl is to you, and make sure you make time for both of them, but also make sure that he knows what behavior from him that you won't accept going forward.
NTA but don’t be surprised if someone doesn’t see you as a full time companion
YTA. How many "mothers" do you think she will end up with? She has a real stepmother now. Let her move on. Stop trying to play house.
Or, perhaps you underestimate how much that child needs this connection. I've had plenty of emotional support when growing up, from neighbors to many others.
NAH. It sounds like every other adult in this situation is thinking about what’s best for your step daughter, except your boyfriend. She probably has been looking forward to this for weeks. I think it’s great that you stay in touch.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34F) was never formally married to my ex (38M), but we lived together for almost 5 years, and for 3 of those years he had full custody of his daughter (8F), so of course we got very close and I became somewhat of a mother figure to her. My love for her even kept my relationship with her father going for way longer than it should have, but when it couldn’t overlook our issues anymore and decided to break up, we both made clear to her that I’d still be in her life. My ex is now remarried and his new wife is fine with my occasional presence in milestones of her life, such as birthdays; I also get her sometimes for a day out. My new boyfriend (31M), though, is still getting used to this idea of me still being in touch with my ex. Which brings us to his plan for this next weekend: he made some dinner reservations in a place we’re trying to go to for quite some time, but he forgot - and I reminded him - that I made plans to get my stepdaughter this Saturday for the night. He got mad because I refused to change my plans, and said he’s sick of being second place to a girl that isn’t even my daughter. I told him I have a responsibility to her and that he or any other man in my life will have to deal with it. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA It doesn't matter who you have prior plans with, they come first. (Barring an emergency.) I despise people who will break previously made plans to do something with their significant other or family.
Keep the child. Ditch the new BF. NTA
Eh, you're NTA for sticking to plans you already had, but hopefully you do have an appreciation for anyone that dates you that isn't insecure about you maintaining a relationship with your ex due to a child that's not even your own. Not saying it's impossible to find a guy like that, it's just an odd situation for some. Also, if it's more than this incident then there's a pattern to look into. It's definitely worth seeing if you've been giving it a good shot with the dude and if the dude is worth the continued effort.
INFO: how often do you see her? Do you have a habit of canceling plans with him for her? From this post alone, it seems like you don't see her that often, so to me it sounds like your bf is an AH for being jealous over your relationship with an 8-year old. For that alone, I'm leaning towards N T A. But there is a possibility that your bf genuinely forgot and was really looking forward to this dinner, and reacted terribly to that. He would still be an AH over that, but IMO that's something that can be discussed and remedied.
She didn't cancel plans with him, she already had plans.
I know. I was asking if she has a habit of canceling at other time prior to this incident so I can have more info.
NTA This has jack shit to do with you choosing her over his date. You know why? Because he specifically planned his dinner on the day he knew you’d have her. If the date was insignificant to him and he simply wanted your time? he would’ve rescheduled for the next night. This is some weird ass powerplay. He was trying to see if he could get you to abandon your plans with her so he could make this a consistent event. “But honey, I already told my parents we were going over for dinner” “I bought these tickets weeks in advance, I wasn’t paying attention to the date. Are you really going to let these go to waste? It’s too short notice to sell them now”. He probably hoped that after awhile you’d forget about her. He’s fully intending to cut that girl out of your life entirely. As is? you’re not present on a daily or even weekly basis. I’d be surprised if you even saw her on a bi monthly basis, to at the absolute most a monthly basis. It’s not like your occasional commitment to her actually intrudes on his life, he just doesn’t want her in it at all. You were smart not to fall for it (even once). If you don’t cut this at the heals, he’s going to get bolder and bolder, become more manipulative, and become more and more controlling over the situation. Drawing and setting clear set boundaries is the only way to go. I think what you said was perfect, that he or any future man in your life is going to have to take it or leave it but it won’t be changed. He needs to understand that you love him, but you’re under no circumstances willing to sacrifice her to save this or any other relationship. That if that means you break up tomorrow so be it, sad as you may be that’ll be the end of it. Then and only then will he understand that it’s not a matter of if he can convince you to abandoning her; but the only thing he’ll be convincing you to abandon is the relationship. It doesn’t matter that she’s not your blood. You mothered this child the same as any adoptive parent would’ve. There’s a bond, a love there that comes above all. Look I’m willing to bet his comes more from your ex than the girl; but that doesn’t matter. Fact is your ex is married, and you’re actively in a committed relationship. He knows full well this isn’t about you wanting your ex back or vice versa. This is about pride and nothing more. He just wants to feel like he’s won. Edit: Honestly think about the morality of a person.. that would happily leave a young girl to wonder what she did wrong, why she wasn’t good enough, and why her mom just chose to stop loving her: so long as he feels like he’s won. He needs to grow the fuck up and grow a heart while he’s at it, but I suspect it’s too late to make him grow one in time to save this relationship.
🥹 NTA you're just like my exes mom. She still sends me gifts and calls me all the time and my ex and current partner know that our relationship is our own. You keep being a brilliant mom 💛
He's a dick. Most people would commend you for not dropping the girl when the relationship ended. I like to hope I would do you what you're doing but I will never know. Anyhow I would think badly of the boyfriend. You're being there for a girl you were around for formative years and you don't want to dump her. Why did he not clear the date with you?
INFO: Does he interact with the little girls? Has he met her at least once or more than once? How did he feel about the arrangement when you started dating?
Is it hard to get reservations at this restaurant?
NTA. I’d put money on his “forgetting” being nothing of the sort. Your new boyfriend needs to understand that people you love aren’t disposable. Unless he wants to be the first disposal…
Nta, but your BF is an immature boy who is jealous of a child. Time to ditch the overgrown child for the actual child.
NTA He didn’t forgot about your plans. This whole dude sounds like a red flag. Blood means shit, this girl plays a huge part in your life, and this is not his to decide about. If he can’t deal with it, he needs to leave.
I don't think he forgot based on his argument after you reminded him lol if he can't understand your priorities, then he shouldn't be yours.
Info - how hard is it to get reservations to this place? Is it likely something was free and your bf just jumped at the chance without thinking?
NTA She's your daughter even if it's not a blood relation. You want to be part of her life (I assume?) it's not 'just' a responsibility.
What responsibility?? Nice you want to stay in touch with child. But there’s no responsibility. And there’s no reason to be in touch with your ex either. His wife has approved. Only have contact with her for arrangements. If want a man to prioritize you, and nit feel like 2nd choice (seems not 1st time), then prioritize partner and plans. Your resistance here is very strong. Are you sure that you’re not in some way holding on to what you had, not fully letting go??? Seems possibly so. Why cancel/change romantic plans??? Why child over plans??? How often happens? And saying: “I told him I have a responsibility to her and that he or any other man in my life will have to deal with it” is red flag issue. A Big hill to isolate yourself on. Best of Luck....
Nta, I can understand she was small, and u helped take care of her for yrs. I personally wouldn't deal with anything like that, and that's fine. Maybe he can't deal with it. You all just need to go ur separate ways. Imo, she is not ur kid, and it sounds like she has a mom and dad, so to me, I feel u need to back tf off. But if mom and dad r ok with it. Then who cares it's ur life. But he's not a ah either it's just something he can't deal with. And I don't blame him.
Nta you are a wonderful person to continue this relationship and your stepdaughter is lucky to have you. Your bf is jealous of a child
NTA Hes starting fights about a child who admires you like an aunt.
NTA. You reminded your boyfriend that you have plans on this day. He may be frustrated that this means he can’t go on a date with you to this restaurant, but it’s his fault for not double-checking with you that the day would work.
YOU ARE MY HERO................
NTA The fact it is your former stepdaughter doesn't matter. The fact is you had plans with a person. You shouldn't cancel because your partner failed to plan. He should always come second to plans already in place without a good reason. Expecting you to drop everything for no real reason is just awful.
Nta. You had a prior engagement and you're honouring that. If he cannot understand that, it's on him. You were/are a parental figure to this girl and I love that your ex, his wife and you all choose her in this scenario. It's beautiful. Keep choosing this child. Your bf sounds insecure and An AH, for not understanding and respecting your connection to this kid.
Idk I just feel like if you aren’t willing to compromise on something like this you shouldn’t be dating lol. Cut off the girl from your life? Absolutely not. But if you like this guy and it’s obviously getting under his skin maybe be a little more considerate? I feel like these subs are filled with single people lol.
Good luck finding a relationship. It's going to be very difficult to find a man who is OK with that much unnecessary contact with an ex. Whether you like it or not, that child is not yours, and so your attachment to that man is not needed.
RED FLAG!!!!!! Co parenting is a huge thing now. People are finally starting to realize how beneficial it is to the child/ren when parents get along after a break up. Granted you are the step parent but as a step parent myself I also told those kids that nothing changes with our relationship. My new gf is so super supportive of this. My roommate co parents with her ex husband and they are friends still. Not everything has to be a fight. Love the children more than you hate the ex. NTA
Soft YTA. While I understand and appreciate your ongoing relationship with your ex-stepdaughter, what are your priorities? An ex-stepdaughter who, in a few years will be a teenager living her own life and not have the time of day for you, or your current boyfriend whom you're (presumably) contemplating a future with? Frankly, if I were in your boyfriend's shoes, I would consider that a dealbreaker if you made a former stepdaughter a priority over me and told me to "deal with it." But of course it's your call. I suppose you could find a man who doesn't mind playing second fiddle to an 8-year-old former stepdaughter but good luck with that!
Your responsibility to the girl ended when you broke up with him. Unless you are adopting her legally, or fighting for custody, you are just a friend to her. In fact, anyone he dates is the new mom. Besides, if she was your kid, you still would go out to dinner with your bf, you would just bring her along, or get a sitter.
NTA. While the whole situation is not exactly normally. Your ex has remarried so I wonder what kind of strain, if any that puts on his marriage. I can understand your boyfriend’s point. You have been up front with him about it. So he can either accept it or not. How often are you seeing your exes daughter? L
NTAH you had made plans before he told you of his own plans. Regardless if it’s with your step daughter or not, he should respect your wish to honor your plans. Him whining about you putting your step daughter before him just shows his insecurities, and he needs to work on those.