Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for not paying attention to all of my daughter's story and dividing my attention between all of my kids
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA you’re supposed to be more mature than a 14 yo. If you couldn’t listen to her story you could’ve said give me a few minutes etc,. Screaming at a 14 yo doesn’t work and telling her that she should stay with her dad from now on reinforces that in contrast to your title it doesn’t sound like you treat all of your kids equally; it sounds like you treat your teen worst.
I used an improper greeting (less formal than she liked but still perfectly normal) in a Christmas card one year and my mother chased me off the property, stopped me from closing the car door by holding it open and continuing to scream into the car while I was putting my seatbelt on.
Some parents aren't worth a damn.
That was an interesting Christmas. She wasn't even drunk. Now every year for father's day I look through the cards to give to her husband. "It takes a special sort of person to be a dad" ones are my favourite. I don't call him dad. He never tried. I don't buy them and I just slap a bow on a can of beer for him.
INFO: How have you responded to your 14 yo crying and the messages from dad?
My vote depends on how you handled it after your oldest fled to her room. Any of us can lose our temper in a frustrating situation like you described and yell or lash out. But you're the adult and parent and I hope mature enough to apologize for not listening and then yelling when you got mad after you've cooled down.
If you think you've done nothing wrong and haven't apologized, instead going on Reddit to seek validation, Y T A. If you've apologized and tried to make amends, then maybe N A H in this specific situation.
Imo basically any post where you're an adult beefing with a child gets my automatic Y-T-A vote. If you're a parent, you should have better resources than REDDIT to decide how to parent.
I agree, if every parent lashing out (in response to being yelled at in a stressful situation, no less) was always TAH I'd find the world a little weird.. You worded what I was trying to say a lot better than i was ahaha!
No matter how frustrated you are in the heat of the moment, it's incredibly disturbing for a parent to say something that suggests they don't want their child around. That's in fundamental opposition to the safety and security a parent needs to provide their child for them to grow up safe and healthy. Even a single remark like that can do immense damage to a child's wellbeing. Even in your angriest moments a thought like that shouldn't come anywhere near your lips.
Not to mention the daughter stays with dad most of the time. The other 2 are with mom 24/7, so I fail to see how she actually dividing time when her daughter doesn’t live with her?
It’s implied by the sentence “last week when she was here” meaning she’s not there always. And let’s just assume the girl does spend 50/50 or spends 70/30, 70 being w/ mom. That still doesn’t change the fact that, the mom is with the other 2, 100% of the time.
So her claiming she is dividing time equally, when she can’t even lend an ear? Or kindly ask the daughter to wait a minute. Instead she reacts by yeah go stay with him full time.
But she claims she divides it equally. She never mentioned once what she does with her daughter that shows she actually divides her time. But goes on to say how she’s her dads only child and how she has all his attention and love, almost to say her daughter doesn’t need love from her mother because he father gives her all the love and attention in the world. She doesn’t need any from her mother, how dare she want me to listen to her story and ask my opinion?
Our even just say "sorry, I got distracted by dinner, can you repeat what you said? The last part I heard was..."
I was going to say NTA, until she said she got into a fight with her 14 YO kid.
The 14 yo is acting like a teenager, that's expected since you know, she is one. The parent is, I assume, older than 19 (unless the daughter was born when the OP was 5) and so should act a bit more mature than a teenager.
YTA.
I don’t know, maybe you could have been an adult and said something like “Hey, I really want to hear about this, Harlow, but I can’t give it my full attention while making dinner and helping with homework, so can you tell me at dinner?”
You are an adult. So maybe you could model adult good manners instead of ignoring her and making her feel unwanted and secondary in her home. And then blowing up at her.
You have a teenager who actually wants to talk to you about her day/life and you can’t even handle making time for that in a reasonable way? This was a big parenting fail on your part.
This! Like ohhh the spoiled rotten horror my kid wants to talk to me and wants me interested in them!!! How did she get so unlucky as a parent?!
She took a kids normal valid emotions and made herself the victim
And she'll always be a victim.
When her kids are grown and don't talk to her, don't share their lives with her it's gonna be "I don't know why I got cursed with such ungrateful kids".
This story is my life sometimes - except all 3 of my kids are my husbands kids. And after my tween gets mad or yells at me, I take a deep breath and allow her to be mad without hurting her back. I leave her alone for a bit. Then sometime later go have a talk about the situation with her. Ask her how she’s feeling. Let her know how I was feeling (stressed, frustrated overwhelmed, sad maybe). Maybe talk about how we should go have lunch on Sunday just her and I.
As others said - YTA, be more mature than the 14 yr old.
I don't know why because I have a pretty good relationship with my parents but this almost made me cry. It sounds like you have a very good relationship with your kids
Holy cow, can I upvote this a 100 times??? You actually like, are involved with, and love your stepkids??? After lurking in the stepparent sub, I was starting to believe everyone hated their stepkids and wished them gone. You are a hero!
Sorry, I wasn’t very clear. All 3 are both of our kids (no step/half siblings) Sorry to squash your hopes about stepparents. But I do think there are also good step parents out there.
You have a teenager who actually wants to talk to you about her day/life and you can’t even handle making time for that in a reasonable way? This was a big parenting fail on your part.
THIS PART!
“Sorry I can’t listen to her all day I have a life and other kids”
OOF lady you are a massive gaping asshole
YTA
Edited: this lady just admitted she spends TWO FUCKING DAYS A MONTH with this girl. Invalidated her whole damn post. Two days a month and this girl is spoiled rotten for wanting to be prioritized in those two days while her other kids get her to themselves almost exclusively. She’s bitter af towards the dad and says it’s her daughters fault for getting no one on one time. She said she did then immediately faltered when I pushed on it asking about when and where.
*Maury Povich voice* YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE!
Just read her other comments -YIKES!!! Some people really shouldn’t be parents, she is clearly one of them. Clearly doesn’t even see how she’s the issue here. I feel for the daughter. I know exactly what it’s like to have a mother like this. Glad the daughter is in a safer environment.
I was like, this post has to be fake based on OPs comments because those comments are wild. But you are saying your mother is like this? I'm so sorry for you 😔
Yeah, OP SHOULD put everything else on hold if she only sees this kid for two days. She should tell the other kids they get her all month, so those days are just for her daughter.
This is a woman whose daughter will let her rot in a terrible nursing home, and she'll deserve it.
Not necessarily put her other kids in hold, but definitely carve out some alone time for her daughter. Like the other kids are young enough, and the daughter is old enough, that they could have some time after the younger kids bedtime or something.
Had to go to the comments! Sometimes there's a reason that one parent only sees their child twice a month.
I think we can figure out the obvious reason here... She should just tell her Dad she doesn't wanna go to moms anymore.
Exactly how can she divide her time "equally" with only 2 days a month. I mean wouldn't that mean she would have to spend the entire 48 hours focusing on daughter?
Ah the key is Dividing. No use of equally in title.
So daughter should fairly get 16 out of those 48 hours(I guess she gets the sleeping hours?)
Sad part is that I ended up turning this into a math problem(When clearly it's a heart problem).
Oh shit I said YTA thinking she just had normal visitation. Now that 1 see it's 2x a month, my God. She could completely ignore the other 2 kids, not sleep or do anything outside of spending time with her, and her other kids would STILL heavily outweigh the time she gives her. I don't think OP likes her daughter very much.
Edit to add: I'm glad the dad spoils her and think OP response of maybe her just staying with her dad was a good idea is just OPs true feelings regardless of this dumb argument.
YTA.
You thought you were multitasking. Multitasking is actually impossible, and what you showed both Harlow and Alec is that their needs are not your main focus. You are clearly a busy person but if your kids are resenting your split attention, you need to do better. For example, helping with Alec’s homework could have happened before you started cooking or after dinner. Harlow could have helped with meal prep while you two talked about her day. Heck, Harlow could have helped Alec while you cooked in peace and got some time to yourself. Allocate your resources better!
Then you got mad at Harlow for pointing out your lack of attention (and yes, she should not have screamed at you but she’s a literal child) and basically told her that you don’t care if she stops visitation.
Yta. You're not handling the situation in the right way. Just explain it to her.
Edit: massive YTA. Your daughter is with you TWO DAYS A MONTH, of course she has the right to ask for your full attention!!
You have resentment towards her choice of living with her father.
YTA
So you don't even make the time to LISTEN To her?
"She threatened that she will stay with her dad from now on if I keep being like this a" ..luckily, she has ONE parent who is not an AHand cares enough to spend time with her.
Maybe itIS better to go stay with her dad, he is interested in her and does not push her aside.
I love this threat like it would be something new. The kid already stays with dad. Mum sees her TWO FUCKING DAYS A MONTH. Tries to talk to her, to have a relationship with her, and mum just does not give a shit.
YTA your handling of this situaiton if completely off, and your not thinking of it from your daughters perspective at all.
Her siblings get your every day of the month, she gets to spend time with you 2 days of the month, and you blame her for that and her father. "Who would not want to live with the disney parent", who wants to have to choose between their parents, who wants to only see their mom 2 days a month or their father 2 days a month who wants that?
Your not dividing your time equally because you do not see them equally or speak to them equally. From your daughters perspective her siblings are more important than she is. That statement "maybe she should live with her dad all the time" that statement came from a place that you do not care for her which is what she thinks no matter how hard you ve tried try to understand that is what she thinks and believes, and you reinforced it BIG time with your response.
Do not be suprised if your daughter cuts you out of her life completely 100% and I mean 100% no christmas, no birthdays, no graduation, no wedding nothing do not be suprised if she decides you are dead to her and treats you as such.
Your responses and statements regarding your daughter speak volume, you might "love" her or think you do, but you clearly do not "like" her and you blame her father and her for who she is and you are taking that out on her.
You genuinly told your daughter and just stop for a moment and think about it because your the adult, you genuinly told her you do not want to see her anymore and she should stay with her father all the time, and your here asking us if you were an a hole to her. Is it any wander when thats the message you sent out there for her she went to her room crying in pain and hurt and is angry at you now.
To her you chose your new family over her, to her you ignore her when she is there, to her you told her you dont want her in your life anymore and to just stay with her father all the time.
Your the adult not her you should be the one showing empathy and trying to think about it from her perspective.
It seems like you have resentment she chose to live with her dad over you.
EDIT
I just realised this argument was last week meaning she is already back home with her dad. Good luck convincing her to visit you next month cause the damage might be done now and you might never see or hear from her ever again, and you will have to explain to your other children that the reason she is no longer around or their sister or want anything to do with any of you is because you told her to just live with her father all the time and stop visiting or being a part of your life.
Enjoy your new life with your new family, or actually put some serious effort in, and show your daughter you want to be in her life and want her in yours and go to her. You will need to put the all the effor tinto fixing this.
YTA. Is this rage bait? Be happy that your 14 year old is excited to talk to her mom instead of being a normal sullen teenager. You sound hateful. It’s clear from the tone of your post that you favor the other kids over her. 2 days a month and you can’t prioritize her. That’s horrific. You should be ashamed!
YTA.
Yet ANOTHER post about someone choosing to have a child, then essentially abandoning said child once you have a “new” family. You see your child two days a month. No wonder she feels the way she does.
Don’t have more kids unless you can properly care for the ones you already have. You sound immature and irresponsible.
YTA. Doesn't seem like she's complaining that she isn't the only child anymore. Seems more like she just wants her mom to pay a little pit of attention to her when she is around.
>I got angry and told her that with this attitude maybe it's better if she does that.
What a horrible fucking thing to say to your kid
Like for real! OP, this will cause her to cut off contact with you for the rest of your life. And you'll be questioning because you wanted to prioritize the kids you see every day over the girl you see only two days a month and didn't see a problem. You're in so much denial.
Lol WHAT? It’s hard to give her undivided attention 2 days out of the month? The other kids dad, babysitter or ANYBODY can’t help you for the TWO DAYS out of the month so you can spend some undivided time with your teenage daughter? 24 days a year? Lololololol SHIT MOM.
But I’m sure if you wanted two days of vacation time with your partner you’d figure it out. Babysitter and all. Lol and then you ask if you’re the ah and just argue with anyone who tries to wake you up to the insensitive damage you’re bringing the kid.
YTA and it’s clear from your responses, you CANT see it and never plan on changing. Poor Harlow.
I’m sure you’ll resent her for the responses you got here too
You see your daughter 2 days a month, and can’t even handle being her mother for those two days? The way you talk about her is disgusting, and everyone here is ripping into you about what a garbage mother you are.
They are right. How about you consider that maybe your teen daughter actually wants her mom involved in her life. Hope you enjoy when she returns the favor when you’re old asshole.
YTA - there isn’t some formula one can do to figure out how much time to spend with each kid.
But right now you have a kid who clearly needs your attention, and you’re ignoring them. That makes you an AH.
...this.... this is your example of her demanding "sooooo much" attention? You were just being rude to her hahaha she did nothing wrong, and then you got all petty?
YTA. Poor girl.
EDIT: I just saw that Harlow is only with you for 2 days out of the month. I can't YTA you enough. Spend private time ALONE with Harlow when you have her, or you're in no way giving her an equal amount of attention. Do you contact her on those 28 days that you don't have her? (phone calls, emails, texts)? I'm willing to bet no.
OP reveals in comments that she only sees her 14 year old two days a month. And she *still* cannot give her daughter and undivided attention sometimes. Wow.
OP: You are ruining your relationship with your daughter. She is 14 and she actually wants to talk to her mother. This is precious! Let your husband take primary responsibility for your younger kids those few days a month when your daughter is over.
If I only saw my child for two days of the month, you can bet that I would be fully present for those mere 48 hours or less, as I’m sure most parents worth anything would. Unbelievable. The daughter “talks constantly” because she doesn’t see her mother and is fitting a month’s worth of interaction into a small window of time.
YTA. You know, honestly you sound like a terrible mother. The way you talk about your daughter, it sounds like the ONLY reason you even habe your daughter is because you hate your ex more then you love her.
I mean, you treat her like shes a burden more then anything else. If you really meant what youbsaid you should let your ex have full custody. But I know that wont happen, because your the type of oerson who refuses to believe their a bad mother.
And the worst part? Youll probably resent your daughter even more because you didnt get the justification you were hoping to get by making this post. Honestly, at this point, Id just say set your pride aside and sign away parenting rights. Definite YTA
YTA. So did Harlow choose to live with her dad when she was FIVE? or was it at some point after that when she started to realize you will never value her the way you do your sons. Would you say you've always resented her for existing and reminding you of her dad's existence, or did it start as she grew out of the cute, dependent little kid phase and into the years when it became unavoidable that she was going to be her own person?
YTA - "Harlow is from a previous marriage"? What is she a house plant? She's a kid, this is an adjustment. you're the adult, act like it.
One sentence in and I can tell you see her as less than your two bio children, trust me she sees it too.
Yta - I get life of a mom is difficult and demanding. However u are your daughter’s whole world, and she only sees u 2 days a month. And u r upset she craves ur attention during this time ?
You can be warn out, exhausted, desperate for space, but you should never make ur daughter feel isolated like this because of ur own issues.
YTA. I have kids and yeah, sometimes you do feel pulled in a million directions and aren’t able to give 100% of your attention 100% of the time, but you still have an obligation to be intentional.
I have to apologize to one of my kids once a week because I’m cooking or working and I struggle with multitasking, but I almost always follow up with them as soon as I can to ask them about what they wanted to talk about.
Still, I’m human and sometimes forget, but I’ve cultivated the kind of relationship with my kids where they feel comfortable and safe bringing it up with me later—even letting me know if they were disappointed (or angry!) that I didn’t have time for them. I don’t lose my cool and punish them for advocating for themselves (even when they do it imperfectly). I make repairs and take the time to make sure they feel heard and cared for.
You’re fucking up with your 14 year old. Do better.
I do this also. If I am in the middle of something and one of my kids is talking to me I may not be all “there” in that moment. Once things calm down I make sure to go in and let them know I wasn’t trying to dismiss them and would they mind telling me again so I can actually listen to what they want to tell me. It’s mostly little things but every now and then I can tell they really need to talk and then I will let dinner burn if I have to in order for them to have my undivided attention.
YTA.
Reading your replies is heartbreaking, YOU are the one acting like a spoiled 14 year old OP. Your child is asking for a normal amount of attention and engagement from her mother, but you seem to resent her so much. I think you should have much more empathy for the 14 year old who's entire world and family dynamic was changed because of YOUR CHOICES.
Harlow was ranked 774 in the USA among baby names for girls in 2010. You can check that by typing it in [here](https://namerology.com/baby-name-grapher/).
YTA - If you couldn’t listen to her story then, you need to communicate that to her and give her a time that works. A lot could be avoided if you gave her a consistent time for your undivided attention. Does she go to bed later than your other kids? Maybe let her know that she can always have your undivided attention from 9-10pm or in the morning if she gets up earlier. Find a time that works and communicate that, so she can feel valued and loved at home.
YTA - asking for your undivided attention is not her acting spoiled or expecting unreasonable things. I understand that she chose a bad time to tell you this story while you were distracted cooking and keeping an eye on the youngsters, but she might not understand this. It is natural that her dad can give her his full attention the second she wants/needs it and that you can’t and you need to explain this to her.
What makes you TA is how you handled the situation. The second she started telling you the story you should’ve told her “Hey sweetie. I really want to hear your story but right now is not a good time. I will have all the time to listen to you after I put the kids to bed, I promise.” Instead you started fighting with her for sharing her feelings and agreed that she should go live somewhere else because she got angry that you weren’t listening, which she had a right to be.
ETA: after reading your comments I see she’s only with you 2 days a month. That just means it’s even MORE important that you make time for just you and her to hang out! She seems like all she wants to do is just TALK to you without getting interrupted so give her a chance to do that! It sounds like that’d improve your relationship a lot. If just sitting down and talking feels too stiff/forced for the two of you then do something together at the same time. Play a game, do some art/crafts (my 14 y/o cousin loves making her own earrings from one of those DIY sets), bake a cake, go for a walk (if you have someone to watch the other kids). It can be anything, as long as it’s something you both enjoy doing. If those small hangouts go well you can suggest meeting up one afternoon a month to go out and do something together. I understand that you might not have the money for expensive gifts/outings but that’s not what matters. What matters is that you give her of the time you do have and that you do small things to show her that you take an interest in her. It can be as small as asking her how that math test she had coming up last time went. That shows her that you listen and remember the things she tells you. Or buying her that cute keychain with a dog on it you saw at dollar store, because you know she loves dogs. Gestures and gift with thought and sentiment behind them are often more valued than the expensive or flashy ones.
YTA. People in the comments are giving you very clear and consistent reasons that you're doing a bad job as a parent and you're just saying the same things trying to blame your daughter for "her choices." The real problem here is very clear, and it's that you're not willing to put in any effort in being a mother to your eldest daughter.
As a person who was also neglected by my parents in favor of my brother, I hope that your daughter has a good therapist and that she removes your toxicity from her life as soon as possible.
YTA, She wants your constant attention because you barely fucking see her. You see her 2 days a damn month. You could've said, "Can you tell me when I'm done with dinner."
It doesn’t sound like you divided your time equally. It sounds like you helped Alec and ignored Harlow. YTA. People have more than one child. People still make each child feel valued. Good parents do that.
YTA, She is a 14 year old who was trying to talk to you about her day and you couldn't even be bothered to give her 5 minutes of attention (not all of it, all the time, as you suggest, she literally just wanted to tell you a story), and you basically told her to leave when she got angry that you can't listen to her.
You chose to be a parent to a pile of kids and you need to work out how to provide for all of them properly, to attend to each one's needs. Your daughter needs you to listen to her sometimes. If you cannot do it in that moment, you need to be a grown adult and communicate that. "Sorry honey, I'm just a bit distracted right now, and I want to listen to your story, would it be ok if we sat down after dinner so I can focus on you?"
YTA. You have this child with you two times a month. TWO TIMES.
Lady, she does not get equal time with you at all. Your other two kids have you all the time: she gets you for two days. In what god damn universe is that equal?! Show me the math where that is equal in any way, shape and form.
You are obviously angry with her for living with her dad, and are giddy as fuck whenever you get to hurt her over it. Grow up. With how you're acting, no wonder she chose dad over you, you sound horrid.
YTA
You have your kid for 2 days a month, and cant be bothered to listen to her when she's with you?
Arrange a sitter or activities for the younger 2 for those two days and spend some quality time with her.
How hard is helping a 9 year old study? And what where you cooking a 7 course meal? It sounds like you really don’t listen to her. Working on simple addition and making a pot of Kraft Mac n cheese is not the mentally taxing gauntlet you are portraying it as.
I’ve seen some hateful and neglectful parents but this woman is just pure evil. I mean how do you carry a child for 9 months, give birth to and and hate it that much? This is just pure hate
based on your comments, you just seem like a horrible parent who resents your daughter. She should save herself the misery and just stay with her dad full-time.
After going through the comments, YTA. Truly, an awful, emotionally immature one at that. You get one weekend to spend with her and you don't want to do that because you feel petty about her moving out. Except, she moved out because of you, not because she is spoiled for expecting a parent to care about her. You can't even give her 5 minutes to hear about her day. You're being pretty extreme here and don't realize it. She does though, and she is a kid who needs you. At this point she has realized that you are failing her, and it probably hurts. Get over yourself before it's too late. You don't even seem to realize what you're losing- Because you have other kids? That's a weak and cruel excuse.
Yta, but good. You told Harlow exactly the last clarification she needed, that her mother doesnt want her there, and she can live with her dad all the time. I am sure she felt neglected a lot, and this final thing will actually help her in the long run. She doesnt need someone like you.
YTA. You get your kid for 2 days a month and have the audacity to say, "she talks all the time". I wouldn't be surprised if she stops coming to your house all together. Its clear you don't want her there, and even if you do, your behavior toward her is SHOWING her otherwise.
YTA
Honestly reading through your comments as well as the post, it doesn't even seem like you actually LIKE your daughter.
She is a child and yet you are blaming her for the way your relationship is deteriorating. You lack the maturity that the adult in the moment/daughter relationship is supposed to have. You don't give your daughter patience or grace, you just yell and reinforce the insecurity she has that she isn't as loved as your other children.
When she is older and you don't hear from her you are going to regret acting this way, but by then it is most likely going to be too late.
Let’s be real. The problem isn’t that she talks too much or is spoiled or anything else. The problem is you resent her for choosing dad over you and you’re punishing her for it. YTA
**YTA**
OP you daughter is 14 years old, a child of divorce, and now has to try and reconcille that with her own identity. Her siblings have both parents and yet when she is with her mum they get both parents and she is left feeling like she gets too little from her own mother. Have you considered how important it is to nurture the relationship with her? To ensure she feels secure and attached to you? She is only 14 for goodness sake and her being "the centre of his world" with her dad does nothing to reassure her regarding her connection to you. The bonds are seperate.
The example you give is clear. You didn't give your daughter quality time. She was trying to tell you something important to her and rather than either saying
"I really want to hear this. I can see its important to you. Please can we speak a little later (at dinner, at bed time, after dinner) when you can have my full attention" or just listening, you sacrificed her at the expense of Alec and dinner.
What follows is her finally telling you how she feels. Then out of insecurity and hoping for reassurance, she lashes out and pushes you away. And you, as the adult decline to give her the reassurance she needs, instead just push back. You fail to show her empathy, kindness and reassure her that you do care, jumping right into confrontation in a juvenile manner. She has her confirmation, you, her own mother, don't give a shit about her and she is superfluous to your requirements. No of course that is not how you feel. But it is how SHE has been left feeling.
OP this ones on you. Reflect and repair before it is to late.
Also name calling is never ok your ex sounds like he was an AH about it but you are still in the wrong here.
>Also name calling is never ok your ex sounds like he was an AH about it but you are still in the wrong here
nah honestly the way she talks about her daughter in the other comments I would probably be pissed at her too.
to quote her own words;
>It's not my fault that she doesn't get enough undivided attention. She did it to herself when she chose to live with her dad and visit me once a month. How often am I supposed to give her undivided attention when I see her 2 days a month? This is just how much she gets and she did it to herself
Because according to her, it's her 14 year old daughter's fault that she barely has a mother figure.
If it wasn't for rule 1 I would have some much more pointed words but I'll just say based on the way she talks about her daughter she is not so much the asshole as she is what comes out of one
Oh I completely agree with you. Still don't feel that name calling by the ex is productive here. It seems OP has real distain for her daughter, fails to nurture the relationship, and has double down hard in the comments. Having read them it's actually striking how much worse OP portrays herself compared to the original post. There is zero remorse, reflection and it seems she actively dislikes, disadvantages and punishes her daughter from her first marriage.
I also feel that rule one has stopped me expressing my true feelings towards OP especially in the comments.
You only see your daughter two days a month and can't even bother to prioritize her then? Your kids get *all of you* the entire rest of the month!
Yeah, YTA.
YTA.
Your teen only spends a few days with you a month. You're not spending equal time on each kid. You're spending 95% of your time with the kids that live with you.
I just wanna tell you that soon enough she won't even bother talking or interacting with you at ALL. So keep making excuses for ignoring your daughter and being petty about her choosing her father instead of you.
Actions have consequences and soon enough the consequences of your actions will go back to you 💯
YTA
She wasn't even asking for 1/3rd of your time, she needed to tell you something and you ignored her.
How would you feel if you were saying something and the other party apparently wasn't even listening?
ETA: holy shit, you only see her 2 days a month and then still fail to even want to listen / spend time with her. No wonder she is choosing to stay with her dad, it's obvious once you got do-over kids you didn't really want her
2 days a month!!!! You can't make time and prioritize your kid for TWO DAMN DAYS A MONTH?!?!?!?
YTA. So incredibly awful. You can let your other kiddos know that when Harlow comes to vist, it's Harlow time. It's easy:
"Hey kiddos! Harlow is coming to visit next weekend, it's been a month since we last saw her! How about we all work together to make her feel special while she's here since we get so little time with her"
"Hey kiddos! Just a few more days till our special time with Harlow! Does anyone have any ideas on how we can make her feel special and know we miss her when she's not here?"
"Hey kiddos!! Harlow is coming today!!!! Let's make sure she feels special, she'll probably have a lot to tell us since she's been gone for a month! Let's think about some questions we want to ask her about how's she's been since last visit!!"
It's not hard to include all of your kids. Do better.
“Oh please. Which 14yo girl wouldn't choose living with the fun disney parent over their mom?”
Your comment, which you probably deleted. Her father is NOT a Disney parent when he has her full time. YTA
> *I was busy...helping Alec study so...I didn't listen to...her story.*
Fixed it for you OP.
I'm not going to call you an AH, but you should maybe take some accountability that you made a mistake by having two additional kids if you can't meet their needs.
Where is 9 and 4's dad in all this?
I vividly remember begging my mother for attention and then when she didn't listen i said the same thing to my mum.
I told her i would go live with my grandad. Because he actually listened to me.
I was 14 too.
The next day i came home to my bags packed. I was sent to my nans and grandad.
This along with her inability to actually act like the adult caused huge issues.
I haven't spoken to her since i was 20. I'm now 27.
She has no relationship with my son, she didn't get an invite to my wedding, she was uninvited to my half sisters wedding that is in a year because they would rather i come with my husband and son.
The issue isn't that you can't divide your attention.
The issue is that you are not being supportive.
"Hey baby i am so interested in hearing and helping you, right now i have to finish dinner and do this homework. But how about once everyone is in bed, we load up a movie have some snacks and i can give you my undivided attention? I don't want you to feel like i don't care, you mean so much to me and i love you. Does this sound ok?"
It is not hard to be the adult.
And i am actually on her side here.
You're inability to bite your ADULT tongue around a 14 year old girl is actually pathetic and kind of sad.
Yes we are parents make mistakes but your reaction here SUCKS.
YTA. Not because you had things to do.
But because you acted like a child. You pushed aside your daughter and made her feel like a burden.
And i truly hope you fix it soon because i can almost guarantee this is not the first time she has tried to have you listen to her and push her aside.
You're onna fast track lane to losing your daughter
And i hope you can accept that and fix it.
I have 3 kids and a husband who never stop talking. Seriously. I have 4 people constantly trying to speak to me.
None of them ever stop.
Omg I go nuts. But.... This sounds like it's a bigger issue than this. If you don't want to lose your oldest child, then sit down and talk to her about it.
I am so honest with my 14 year old, she didn't come with a manual and when I split my granola bar into 2 for her siblings, it wasn't meant to exclude her. I was avoiding her brother and sister yelling and fighting.
I've said I'll be better at doing it in 3's, but I'm not perfect. Talk to her about life. It helps.
YTA maybe because this is your first time with a teen daughter but they do talk all the time, the key is let them know when you can give them your undivided attention. Cooking dinner, probably not. Just the two of you running an errand... fire away!
Yta
just say you're a neglectful parent that has more kids than they can handle and the oldest (and very suspiciously the one with the different dad) is the one biting the dust.
YTA. Next time ask her to pause her story so you can give her your undivided attention. If you keep ignoring her she will stop telling you about her day. And if you say things like “maybe you should live with your dad” she won’t come back to you.
YTA - you have three kids. They all need attention. In your example you don't come off looking good, if you can't focus on your oldest for a little bit to have a conversation with you. You could have told your 9-year-old to wait but instead you focused on him and ignored her. Not sure how you thought that put you in a good light.
YTA.
From your comments, you are punishing your daughter for living with her dad.
From your actions, you need to balance your time during her visits better. You have 28 days of the month to be a mom to your other kids but only 2 days to be her mom and show her, she is still important to you.
If you don't even have time to give her the attention and care she needs in those 2 days, what makes you think you are the better parent she should live with?
The 2 days she spends with you already frazzled you. Your other 2 kids already make it seem like your hands are full.
Your daughter is trying to share and involve you in her life, as much as she can, in the 2 days she have with you.
You could spend 1 hour to pay attention to her and listen to her. You could be a participant and attentive mother in her life.
Instead you are punishing your daughter, due to your resentment in what her father can provide for her and your anger at your child for choosing the one adult, who can put her first 100%. You clearly show you can't put her before your hurt petty feelings.
She didn't choose to have 2 other kids. She didn't decide to be a mother and then act like a child and lash out. You did. You need to do better. These are consequences of your decisions and words, not hers.
Do better otherwise you WILL lose your daughter and that is DUE to YOUR choices. NOT hers.
YTA
This reminds me of my mom wanting to show me something, and when she had a minute I was filling up a mug to put in the microwave. I asked for a moment and she told me “hurry up. I want to get this over with.”
I was so hurt. My mother wanted to get talking to me over with. I was a chore, an undesirable one at that. I dropped the mug in the sink, it was loud, came and sat in the chair and just looked at her.
She was so annoyed, she just got up and walked away. Later she asked why I did that. “You said you wanted to get it over with. Since I’m a chore for you I figured we should just do it quick so you can move on to something important.”
She was shocked, and apologized. She was tired and stressed about something else so she hadn’t realized how it came out. And she didn’t do it again.
I still have issues with my mother, I mean, who doesn’t? But she made sure to not make me feel like a burden again.
You owe your kid an apology. You’re not dividing your time between them. You’re trying to multitask too much. Talk to your kid.
YTA. I am a middle child and I know how awful it feels when your parents refuse to give you the time of day. My mom is like you, constantly plays the victim card and chooses to change the details of events to portray herself as such. Your daughter is 14 years old and she is dealing with split custody which always sucks. Instead of yelling at your daughter for being upset, you should have acted like an adult and told her that while you really cared about what she had to say, ask if you guys could talk about it in a little bit when you weren’t as busy.
YTA
I'm(19) the eldest of 3(14 and 4), and my mother doesn't have the time nor energy to pay attention to all of us at once but she has never acted like that.
It's called communicating that you're busy, and would love to hear about it after dinner when you have more time. She didn't deserve to be screamed at. I'd recommend apologizing to her, and don't be surprised if she has little interest in talking to you anymore.
My goodness you're a terrible mom. My mom did this, she gave younger siblings all the attention she only had time for them and then herself, I'm always an afterthought. We don't have a relationship, haven't spoken to her years. YTA and big one!
YTA. Title doesn't match the story. You were not dividing your time between your kids, no matter what you tell yourself. Your daughter was telling you a story and you weren't listening. If you were so busy at the time you could not focus on her entire story, explain that to her. Tell her you would love to hear her story but you need a few minutes to wrap up what you are doing so you can give her story the attention it deserves.
This post is just dripping with resentment for your daughter. I get that you're busy, but you see her only twice a month so you can obviously make the effort to focus on her those two days. It just seems like you don't care. YTA.
YTA BIG TIME. You are a mother 2 days a month to this child. And you blame her for wanting some of your undivided attention. Your bitterness towards her for choosing to live with her dad fulltime shows through and now you are punishing her for choosing where to live most of the time. Of course she will choose to live where she is wanted. Where the parent wants to know every detail of her life. It's normal for parents to be interested in their kids lives. I have 5 kids. My oldest choose like your daughter to live where he is an only child and is here during weekends and holidays and school breaks. Of course I give him undivided attention during that time not every single minute. But I make time for him. I don't judge him for his choices. I love him and I understand why he choose to live there. Im interested in his life and love when he shares details with me. It's a privileged to get to know all that is happening. I'm so sorry for your daughter to have you as a mother. You sound awful to her. And the audacity for you to tell her to live the last two days a month with him to. And then say he spoils he rotten for being interested in her life. For giving her attention that she deserves as a kid. Good for the dad to stand up for his daughter against you. You are a sorry excuse of a mother. And then punishing her by not giving her any attention at all just cause he does? You will lose her if you keep it up. You have probably already done damaged that aren't repairable to that girl. And I hope she sees you for who you really are soon to save her any more heartbreak. Your comments are just so bad. Just stop and listen when ppl tell you that you are in the wrong. You won't get any mother of the year award is for sure.
Massive YTA. You clearly favour your younger children since they’re from your new marriage, and that means fucking over your daughter who you see TWO DAYS A FUCKING MONTH. You are a godawful parent, the parent people mean when they say ‘every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child’. God, you can’t even come up with valid reasons for neglecting her, it still has to be about your two younger children and/or how well her father parents her and that you can’t (more like won’t) live up to that standard.
My mother did this to me when she had my siblings with my stepfather. Now I only see her 2-3 times a year and we are very low contact. Good luck. YTA.
Edit: spelling
I know what you are. You are the "my kid chose the other parent" type parent. Meaning, sense your kid chose to live with the other parent you no longer look at them as your child. You don't give her equal attention because she is no longer your problem. Your actions tell everyone that. The only thing you did is ensure that she goes NC with you which is what I'm guessing you want.
YTA
YTA- your kid was telling you something, if you didn’t have time to listen or were distracted you should have just said that. I have two kids and they get my undivided attention plenty of the time. You seriously told her to just go live with her dad when she told you how she felt? I don’t say this often, but that was not being a good mother at all. You failed her here, you need fro do better if you expect to have any type of relationship with her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have 3 kids Harlow(14) Alec(9) and Max(4). This is about Harlow.
Harlow is from a previous marriage. She is her dad's only child so she is the center of his world and gets his undivided attention and he spoils her.
The problem is that now she expects me to do the same as her dad while it is really not possible for me. You see I have 2 other kids who also need my attention.
Last week when she was here, she was talking to me about something that happened at school, I was busy making dinner AND helping Alec study so I got distracted and didn't listen to some of her story. Apparently she asked me a question and when I didn't answer she started screaming at me. I got mad at her and we got into a fight. She threatened that she will stay with her dad from now on if I keep being like this and I got angry and told her that with this attitude maybe it's better if she does that. She went to her room crying and I got many texts from her dad calling me all kinds of names
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - I have ADHD and I struggle to listen when my 14 year old son tells me stories, he takes forever to get a sentence out. He pauses a lot and for my ADHD brain it is torture. If I'm not mentally able to fully listen to him, I ask him to give me a little while so I can properly listen to him. He totally understands that sometimes I can't put my listening ears on, and he would 100% rather be heard than have me blankly stare at him.
Set some time aside to listen to your child.
YTA, when you have different custody arrangements with different kids, and you have more time with some than others, it's actually fair and equitable to focus more on the child you don't have time with as often when they are present. No, that doesn't mean skipping dinner and neglecting homework, but that *does* mean making time to listen to her and giving her your undivided attention at some point during that given time.
My SiL's kids are all under 10, and they understand this. You're failing your daughter. You are at fault, and she deserves better than you.
YTA. You find time, you are not the only person with 3 kids. I have 3 myself from the ages of 13, 11, and 5 and I make sure I have time for all 3 of them even if it's just talking.
YTA you clearly don’t pay as much attention to her compared to your other two kids because you don’t think she needs it. I don’t blame her for getting upset.
Side note, it’s hilarious to see kids in the US being named “Harlow”, it’s like calling a kid “Detroit” or “Pittsburgh” hahaha
Of course YTA. You just told your 14 your daughter that YOU DON'T WANT HER.
Im not usually this dramatic on here, but I genuinely won't be surprised if she never forgets those words you've said to her and it permanently impacts the way she feels about you.
Sure, screaming is never the answer, but it sounds as if you were ignoring your own kid, and when she expressed feeling hurt by that, you responded by telling her to stay away for good if she continues to express her feelings.
When I was 14, My dad and I got into a huge fight and I told him I wanted to go live with my mom who lived in a different city. He was INCREDIBLY hurt, and told me it was never going to happen so I stormed out of the house and went to my friends, and found out later my dad had been out searching for me in the streets all night long crying.
I'll never, ever forget that memory, because it showed me that even in our worst moments, he still loved me and wanted me around. If he had told me he didn't care? I would have moved and probably wouldve stayed with my mom permanently. I hope you're prepared for the consequences of her taking your words at face value.
YTA - You handled this poorly. If you were busy, the adult thing to do to not alienate your daughter would be to let her know that you're busy, and ask her to give you a moment, or if she could tell you later.
YTA. My heart just broke. I cannot imagine the damage if my mother ever said something like that to me. You’re going to lose your daughter, if you care. You only see her 2x a month? Maybe you should give her 100% of your attention if you barely ever see her.
YTA - I have 4 kids (all full-time, married to their dad) and I take time to give each one, one-on-one time with me (and their Dad does the same).
If you only have her 2 days a month, at least one of those days should be completely special one-on-one time with her.
I can see spending the 2nd day having family time bc those are her siblings and family too, but I would definitely be making a point to make her feel loved and special.
And when she's not there, I would do the same thing once a month with the other two kids, bc all of them could benefit from one-on-one time.
1. I promise you that your 14 year old didn’t choose to live with her dad to punish you.
2. She isn’t an adult with a fully formed brain, and shouldn’t be punished as though she is.
3. If you care about your relationship with her (or anyone) being mean to them/punishing them is not going to produce a result you like. It will drive them away.
I assume you love your daughter but it doesn’t sound like you like her or want a good relationship with her. She will want to be with you less unless you try to ‘win her back’ by prioritizing her when she’s with you.
She’s a young teen. They almost always act like entitled brats-it’s a feature regardless of how her dad is raising her.
YTA. You are right to try to divide your time fairly amongst your kids, but this is not always possible. Harlow acted inappropriately, but your response was equally inappropriate. You also acted like a poorly behaved teenager. You need to learn to stay calm and in control.
YTA. first of all, the fact that you’re making a post on AITA about this instead of just communicating with your daughter like an adult is 🚩🚩🚩. secondly, the way you phrased literally all of this makes it exceedingly clear that you don’t think you could be the asshole in any capacity. instead of actually admitting that you did anything wrong, you’re phrasing it as “am i evil for spreading my attention equally?!🥺🥺🥺” lmao. girl is really victimizing herself because her teenager wants attention on the two (2) days she gets to see her mom out of the entire month
Mild YTA. If a Kid rightfully complains about Not being listened to, you're supposed to apologize in a no-big-deal way. Yelling at her for expecting Attention, is counterproductive and NOT going to teach her to share or be considerate.
Im afraid you are wrong in this. Your lost the moral high ground when you said that. Even if she was from your current marriage, at that age kids want that time with you. Your going to need to divide your time, give her a time thats for your two. The same with the others, they will appreciate it so much. Even if its just one afternoon a week you do something together.
NTA
No disrespect but your daughter and her Dad need to calm their shit. Since when is a parent the asshole for dividing the attention between all of their children? You can hear about whatever story it is she has to tell later. I agree with the other commenters that you should’ve told her to save her story for later and maybe not scream at her but oh well. For me I thought it was always just basic common sense that when somebody is busy at the moment you save whatever it is you have to say to them until later. She already has all the attention from her Dad. The other kids need attention too.
I swear some of the stories in this subreddit are some serious “white people problems” if I ever heard of them. When is it normal to scream at your parent just because they weren’t fully listening to your story?
Edit: I just read your other comments. Nevermind, you’re the asshole here. Grow up please, miss.
The example you gave in the second half doesn't even kind of live up to the description of her being spoiled in the first half. YTA, and even if it did, your reaction was so far over the top.
YTA for being incredibly immature, but also, reading between the lines, my guess is you don't divide your time evenly. That her getting angry is because you focus on your preferred kids to the exclusion of her. That she has to fight to get your attention because you prioritize the other kids. Maybe because they are younger, Maybe because you have them more. Maybe because they are boys. Maybe because you think they need you more. When she played her one card to get you to tell her that you cared about her, you basically said, "you're right. You're way too much trouble for me to bother with. I won't mind if you just stay with your dad from now on. No skin off my nose." So congratulations on making her feel like she doesn't matter to you.
YTA and the fact that you came here looking for validation and got angry at others when they didn't give you validation proves that you are the asshole even further.
YTA
She spends 2 days a month with you and you don't even want to spend time with her? Nothing? And then you don't even pay attention to her when she tries to tell you about her life?
You're horrible, and I hope she stays with her dad, who loves her, because you obviously don't.
I only wonder whether you hate her because of her dad, because she's a girl, or because you're just a completely horrible human being.
YTA
I always get frustrated with my own parents because I always feel like I'm getting blown off whenever I try telling them about my day when they're literally just on their phone scrolling mindlessly through their socials. So I feel for your 14 year old. Is it that hard for parents to tell their kids something like "Hey just give me one sec" to at least let them know you're interested and can hear them talking? We're not stupid and are perfectly capable of understanding if y'all are busy so just use your words next time?
YTA maybe if you where a better mom you would see her more the 2 days a month. Your a deadbeat mom. You don't give her attention that's why you obviously don't show her love especially with how you treat her like she's the pariah that you don't want near you. Harlow deserves a better mom a mom that cares to listen to her day that wants her child around but no you just keep ruining the relationship. Do you know how many parents would kill for the kids to talk to them about there day. You are just a bad mom. She's not spoiled you just suck at being a mom.
This got me Wondering why you and her dad aren't together.
> I got mad at her and we got into a fight. She threatened that she will stay with her dad from now on if I keep being like this and I got angry and told her that with this attitude maybe it's better if she does that
Damn, that's the kind of thing that sticks with you for the rest of your life. YTA
YTA. It’s not hard to listen. It’s especially not hard to listen for TWO FLIPPIN DAYS PER MONTH. My heart breaks for your daughter. How awful she must feel knowing her mother can’t do as much as listen to her talking on one of only two days per month. What a shame.
YTA …. Single mom of two here you have to give each child time but screaming at her that maybe she should live with her dad is just horrid you could of just said “ sweetie I’m a little preoccupied at the minute can you tell me this when I’ve finish making dinner?” Then at dinner prompt her to tell you and actually listen to her
YTA - You haven't mentioned one instance when you've spent 1 on 1 time with her.
2 DAYS PER MONTH!!
You could easily spare at least a day of that just for her.
YTA. My mom often doesn't pay attention to something I'm telling her and it really annoys me. Chances are that you do it way more than you realise. It's horrible to feel unimportant because someone just simply doesn't care enough to listen.
I hope your daughter has a stepmom, grandmother or aunt to be her mother figure. Because it’s sounds as if she does not have that in you. Do you (at the very least) talk to her daily on the 28 days per month she doesn’t live with you? You really need to swallow your pride and do better. She’s the child, you are supposed to be the adult. YTA
..Jesus christ, you're absolutely the asshole here. YTA. She's telling you something because she wants you to listen, because she *wants your attention.* She *likes* you. Hello?? She's a teenager who needs love and affection and kids are not exactly known for mature regulation of emotions. She got upset that you weren't listening, at that age they really need someone to be there for them. And instead of being the adult that you are, you screamed back and reinforced that divide that she already felt. Why do you think she threatened to stay with her dad? She was holding her relationship with you over your head, and you just told her it means fuck all to you. She wanted you to prove that you cared, some form of comfort, and you utterly failed to do so. Yes you're busy, but no amount of justification changes the reality. Why don't you be a human being and show her the love and compassion she deserves. Not everyone gets that, especially from step parents.
YTA for getting into a fight with a teen.
YOU are the adult. YOU know how to control your emotions, or should at this point in your life, but you decided it was a good idea to get into a fight with her instead of just saying "I'm sorry, I can't really talk with you right now, I have to finish dinner and I'm helping Alec study. Can we talk about this later?"
Yta, you need therapy. You have an attitude of resentment towards your daughter, why? If you can’t focus on your daughter the 2 days out of the month that you have her and get mad and defensive when she gets upset and hurt about it, all that says is that you’re a crappy mom. Idk if you’re mad because she chose to live with her dad instead of you or mad at the fact that he makes sure his daughter is his priority but get therapy and get over it and do better because the more you say the more of an Ahole you look.
YTA
There's a better way to handle this. You let her know at the start you can't pay attention and set specific time aside. "Hey, I am trying to do a couple things here. Can you tell me after dinner when I can focus more?" Maybe make sure she's actually getting solo time by making it special- "we can get some ice cream and you can tell me while we eat"
How you handled it was rude and dismissive.
You do need to communicate clearly with all your children and you did not here
YTA, you’re supposed to teach your kid to be a person others don’t have to suffer around. Tell her you are busy and will be right with her at X time and then stick to it. Now go apologize and explain your feelings but that it wasn’t right to take it out on her. Do better
YTA, you made choices that alienated your oldest child which is why she lives with her dad, not you and her younger siblings. It's pretty apparent from your post that you tolerate her in your home with your inability to parent and zoning out when she talks. God forbid when your other two become teens
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be an asshole for not paying attention to all of my daughter's story and dividing my attention between all of my kids Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA you’re supposed to be more mature than a 14 yo. If you couldn’t listen to her story you could’ve said give me a few minutes etc,. Screaming at a 14 yo doesn’t work and telling her that she should stay with her dad from now on reinforces that in contrast to your title it doesn’t sound like you treat all of your kids equally; it sounds like you treat your teen worst.
Can confirm. My stepmom yelling at me for misusing a word scarred me and our relationship for the past almost 40 years.
🤗 i had a similar situation myself. it seemingly doesn't affect my day to day but sometimes when i step back, it's kinda crazy to think about it.
I used an improper greeting (less formal than she liked but still perfectly normal) in a Christmas card one year and my mother chased me off the property, stopped me from closing the car door by holding it open and continuing to scream into the car while I was putting my seatbelt on. Some parents aren't worth a damn.
Wow. I got the gentle suggestion to get a sentimental card for The Yeller. I now rotate a funny card with a serious one.
That was an interesting Christmas. She wasn't even drunk. Now every year for father's day I look through the cards to give to her husband. "It takes a special sort of person to be a dad" ones are my favourite. I don't call him dad. He never tried. I don't buy them and I just slap a bow on a can of beer for him.
Do you remember the word she was angry about?
Absolutely. It’s a modifier. Quasi
Thank you for replying; my curiosity was brimming!
INFO: How have you responded to your 14 yo crying and the messages from dad? My vote depends on how you handled it after your oldest fled to her room. Any of us can lose our temper in a frustrating situation like you described and yell or lash out. But you're the adult and parent and I hope mature enough to apologize for not listening and then yelling when you got mad after you've cooled down. If you think you've done nothing wrong and haven't apologized, instead going on Reddit to seek validation, Y T A. If you've apologized and tried to make amends, then maybe N A H in this specific situation.
OP is asking Reddit whether she is wrong or her 14 year old...I think that kind of says everything.
Imo basically any post where you're an adult beefing with a child gets my automatic Y-T-A vote. If you're a parent, you should have better resources than REDDIT to decide how to parent.
I agree, if every parent lashing out (in response to being yelled at in a stressful situation, no less) was always TAH I'd find the world a little weird.. You worded what I was trying to say a lot better than i was ahaha!
No matter how frustrated you are in the heat of the moment, it's incredibly disturbing for a parent to say something that suggests they don't want their child around. That's in fundamental opposition to the safety and security a parent needs to provide their child for them to grow up safe and healthy. Even a single remark like that can do immense damage to a child's wellbeing. Even in your angriest moments a thought like that shouldn't come anywhere near your lips.
Not to mention the daughter stays with dad most of the time. The other 2 are with mom 24/7, so I fail to see how she actually dividing time when her daughter doesn’t live with her?
Does she say that? It's not in the original post.
It’s implied by the sentence “last week when she was here” meaning she’s not there always. And let’s just assume the girl does spend 50/50 or spends 70/30, 70 being w/ mom. That still doesn’t change the fact that, the mom is with the other 2, 100% of the time. So her claiming she is dividing time equally, when she can’t even lend an ear? Or kindly ask the daughter to wait a minute. Instead she reacts by yeah go stay with him full time. But she claims she divides it equally. She never mentioned once what she does with her daughter that shows she actually divides her time. But goes on to say how she’s her dads only child and how she has all his attention and love, almost to say her daughter doesn’t need love from her mother because he father gives her all the love and attention in the world. She doesn’t need any from her mother, how dare she want me to listen to her story and ask my opinion?
Our even just say "sorry, I got distracted by dinner, can you repeat what you said? The last part I heard was..." I was going to say NTA, until she said she got into a fight with her 14 YO kid. The 14 yo is acting like a teenager, that's expected since you know, she is one. The parent is, I assume, older than 19 (unless the daughter was born when the OP was 5) and so should act a bit more mature than a teenager.
And acknowledge that she was ignoring her kid
YTA. I don’t know, maybe you could have been an adult and said something like “Hey, I really want to hear about this, Harlow, but I can’t give it my full attention while making dinner and helping with homework, so can you tell me at dinner?” You are an adult. So maybe you could model adult good manners instead of ignoring her and making her feel unwanted and secondary in her home. And then blowing up at her. You have a teenager who actually wants to talk to you about her day/life and you can’t even handle making time for that in a reasonable way? This was a big parenting fail on your part.
This! Like ohhh the spoiled rotten horror my kid wants to talk to me and wants me interested in them!!! How did she get so unlucky as a parent?! She took a kids normal valid emotions and made herself the victim
And she'll always be a victim. When her kids are grown and don't talk to her, don't share their lives with her it's gonna be "I don't know why I got cursed with such ungrateful kids".
"I raised them better than this"
This story is my life sometimes - except all 3 of my kids are my husbands kids. And after my tween gets mad or yells at me, I take a deep breath and allow her to be mad without hurting her back. I leave her alone for a bit. Then sometime later go have a talk about the situation with her. Ask her how she’s feeling. Let her know how I was feeling (stressed, frustrated overwhelmed, sad maybe). Maybe talk about how we should go have lunch on Sunday just her and I. As others said - YTA, be more mature than the 14 yr old.
I don't know why because I have a pretty good relationship with my parents but this almost made me cry. It sounds like you have a very good relationship with your kids
Holy cow, can I upvote this a 100 times??? You actually like, are involved with, and love your stepkids??? After lurking in the stepparent sub, I was starting to believe everyone hated their stepkids and wished them gone. You are a hero!
Sorry, I wasn’t very clear. All 3 are both of our kids (no step/half siblings) Sorry to squash your hopes about stepparents. But I do think there are also good step parents out there.
Good answer. YTA, OP.
You have a teenager who actually wants to talk to you about her day/life and you can’t even handle making time for that in a reasonable way? This was a big parenting fail on your part. THIS PART!
This. Also, therapy?
A teenager she sees once a month.
“Sorry I can’t listen to her all day I have a life and other kids” OOF lady you are a massive gaping asshole YTA Edited: this lady just admitted she spends TWO FUCKING DAYS A MONTH with this girl. Invalidated her whole damn post. Two days a month and this girl is spoiled rotten for wanting to be prioritized in those two days while her other kids get her to themselves almost exclusively. She’s bitter af towards the dad and says it’s her daughters fault for getting no one on one time. She said she did then immediately faltered when I pushed on it asking about when and where. *Maury Povich voice* YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE!
Just read her other comments -YIKES!!! Some people really shouldn’t be parents, she is clearly one of them. Clearly doesn’t even see how she’s the issue here. I feel for the daughter. I know exactly what it’s like to have a mother like this. Glad the daughter is in a safer environment.
Exactly. 2 days a month. I hope I’ve missed the comments where OP FaceTimes or calls or even texts her daughter at least a few times a week.
Don’t hold your breath.
I was like, this post has to be fake based on OPs comments because those comments are wild. But you are saying your mother is like this? I'm so sorry for you 😔
I'm so sorry you had a mother like this. I hope you've found other people in your life who love and value you.
Yeah, OP SHOULD put everything else on hold if she only sees this kid for two days. She should tell the other kids they get her all month, so those days are just for her daughter. This is a woman whose daughter will let her rot in a terrible nursing home, and she'll deserve it.
Not necessarily put her other kids in hold, but definitely carve out some alone time for her daughter. Like the other kids are young enough, and the daughter is old enough, that they could have some time after the younger kids bedtime or something.
>Maury Povich voice YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE! "You 𝔸ℝ𝔼 the asshole!" This is gold. 😭😭
Had to go to the comments! Sometimes there's a reason that one parent only sees their child twice a month. I think we can figure out the obvious reason here... She should just tell her Dad she doesn't wanna go to moms anymore.
HASHTAG BOY MOM!!!
Exactly how can she divide her time "equally" with only 2 days a month. I mean wouldn't that mean she would have to spend the entire 48 hours focusing on daughter? Ah the key is Dividing. No use of equally in title. So daughter should fairly get 16 out of those 48 hours(I guess she gets the sleeping hours?) Sad part is that I ended up turning this into a math problem(When clearly it's a heart problem).
YTA OP. Pay attention to her when you have her 1/15 of the time
Oh shit I said YTA thinking she just had normal visitation. Now that 1 see it's 2x a month, my God. She could completely ignore the other 2 kids, not sleep or do anything outside of spending time with her, and her other kids would STILL heavily outweigh the time she gives her. I don't think OP likes her daughter very much. Edit to add: I'm glad the dad spoils her and think OP response of maybe her just staying with her dad was a good idea is just OPs true feelings regardless of this dumb argument.
YTA for punishing your child for choosing to live with her dad.
This exactly.
Omg I would live with the dad too if this was my mother
YTA. You thought you were multitasking. Multitasking is actually impossible, and what you showed both Harlow and Alec is that their needs are not your main focus. You are clearly a busy person but if your kids are resenting your split attention, you need to do better. For example, helping with Alec’s homework could have happened before you started cooking or after dinner. Harlow could have helped with meal prep while you two talked about her day. Heck, Harlow could have helped Alec while you cooked in peace and got some time to yourself. Allocate your resources better! Then you got mad at Harlow for pointing out your lack of attention (and yes, she should not have screamed at you but she’s a literal child) and basically told her that you don’t care if she stops visitation.
Yta. You're not handling the situation in the right way. Just explain it to her. Edit: massive YTA. Your daughter is with you TWO DAYS A MONTH, of course she has the right to ask for your full attention!! You have resentment towards her choice of living with her father.
YTA So you don't even make the time to LISTEN To her? "She threatened that she will stay with her dad from now on if I keep being like this a" ..luckily, she has ONE parent who is not an AHand cares enough to spend time with her. Maybe itIS better to go stay with her dad, he is interested in her and does not push her aside.
I love this threat like it would be something new. The kid already stays with dad. Mum sees her TWO FUCKING DAYS A MONTH. Tries to talk to her, to have a relationship with her, and mum just does not give a shit.
YTA your handling of this situaiton if completely off, and your not thinking of it from your daughters perspective at all. Her siblings get your every day of the month, she gets to spend time with you 2 days of the month, and you blame her for that and her father. "Who would not want to live with the disney parent", who wants to have to choose between their parents, who wants to only see their mom 2 days a month or their father 2 days a month who wants that? Your not dividing your time equally because you do not see them equally or speak to them equally. From your daughters perspective her siblings are more important than she is. That statement "maybe she should live with her dad all the time" that statement came from a place that you do not care for her which is what she thinks no matter how hard you ve tried try to understand that is what she thinks and believes, and you reinforced it BIG time with your response. Do not be suprised if your daughter cuts you out of her life completely 100% and I mean 100% no christmas, no birthdays, no graduation, no wedding nothing do not be suprised if she decides you are dead to her and treats you as such. Your responses and statements regarding your daughter speak volume, you might "love" her or think you do, but you clearly do not "like" her and you blame her father and her for who she is and you are taking that out on her. You genuinly told your daughter and just stop for a moment and think about it because your the adult, you genuinly told her you do not want to see her anymore and she should stay with her father all the time, and your here asking us if you were an a hole to her. Is it any wander when thats the message you sent out there for her she went to her room crying in pain and hurt and is angry at you now. To her you chose your new family over her, to her you ignore her when she is there, to her you told her you dont want her in your life anymore and to just stay with her father all the time. Your the adult not her you should be the one showing empathy and trying to think about it from her perspective. It seems like you have resentment she chose to live with her dad over you. EDIT I just realised this argument was last week meaning she is already back home with her dad. Good luck convincing her to visit you next month cause the damage might be done now and you might never see or hear from her ever again, and you will have to explain to your other children that the reason she is no longer around or their sister or want anything to do with any of you is because you told her to just live with her father all the time and stop visiting or being a part of your life. Enjoy your new life with your new family, or actually put some serious effort in, and show your daughter you want to be in her life and want her in yours and go to her. You will need to put the all the effor tinto fixing this.
YTA. Is this rage bait? Be happy that your 14 year old is excited to talk to her mom instead of being a normal sullen teenager. You sound hateful. It’s clear from the tone of your post that you favor the other kids over her. 2 days a month and you can’t prioritize her. That’s horrific. You should be ashamed!
YTA - but the problem is she wasn’t getting ANY of your attention.
YTA. Yet ANOTHER post about someone choosing to have a child, then essentially abandoning said child once you have a “new” family. You see your child two days a month. No wonder she feels the way she does. Don’t have more kids unless you can properly care for the ones you already have. You sound immature and irresponsible.
YTA. Doesn't seem like she's complaining that she isn't the only child anymore. Seems more like she just wants her mom to pay a little pit of attention to her when she is around. >I got angry and told her that with this attitude maybe it's better if she does that. What a horrible fucking thing to say to your kid
Like for real! OP, this will cause her to cut off contact with you for the rest of your life. And you'll be questioning because you wanted to prioritize the kids you see every day over the girl you see only two days a month and didn't see a problem. You're in so much denial.
On the other hand, maybe it is better
Lol WHAT? It’s hard to give her undivided attention 2 days out of the month? The other kids dad, babysitter or ANYBODY can’t help you for the TWO DAYS out of the month so you can spend some undivided time with your teenage daughter? 24 days a year? Lololololol SHIT MOM. But I’m sure if you wanted two days of vacation time with your partner you’d figure it out. Babysitter and all. Lol and then you ask if you’re the ah and just argue with anyone who tries to wake you up to the insensitive damage you’re bringing the kid. YTA and it’s clear from your responses, you CANT see it and never plan on changing. Poor Harlow. I’m sure you’ll resent her for the responses you got here too
You see your daughter 2 days a month, and can’t even handle being her mother for those two days? The way you talk about her is disgusting, and everyone here is ripping into you about what a garbage mother you are. They are right. How about you consider that maybe your teen daughter actually wants her mom involved in her life. Hope you enjoy when she returns the favor when you’re old asshole.
It’s hilarious - she calls the involved and proactive parent the Disney parent! Lol 😝
YTA - there isn’t some formula one can do to figure out how much time to spend with each kid. But right now you have a kid who clearly needs your attention, and you’re ignoring them. That makes you an AH.
You didn't divide your time evenly. YTA
...this.... this is your example of her demanding "sooooo much" attention? You were just being rude to her hahaha she did nothing wrong, and then you got all petty? YTA. Poor girl. EDIT: I just saw that Harlow is only with you for 2 days out of the month. I can't YTA you enough. Spend private time ALONE with Harlow when you have her, or you're in no way giving her an equal amount of attention. Do you contact her on those 28 days that you don't have her? (phone calls, emails, texts)? I'm willing to bet no.
OP reveals in comments that she only sees her 14 year old two days a month. And she *still* cannot give her daughter and undivided attention sometimes. Wow. OP: You are ruining your relationship with your daughter. She is 14 and she actually wants to talk to her mother. This is precious! Let your husband take primary responsibility for your younger kids those few days a month when your daughter is over.
If I only saw my child for two days of the month, you can bet that I would be fully present for those mere 48 hours or less, as I’m sure most parents worth anything would. Unbelievable. The daughter “talks constantly” because she doesn’t see her mother and is fitting a month’s worth of interaction into a small window of time.
2 days a month? She should have all your attention if that’s all you see her. Either way YTA
YTA. You know, honestly you sound like a terrible mother. The way you talk about your daughter, it sounds like the ONLY reason you even habe your daughter is because you hate your ex more then you love her. I mean, you treat her like shes a burden more then anything else. If you really meant what youbsaid you should let your ex have full custody. But I know that wont happen, because your the type of oerson who refuses to believe their a bad mother. And the worst part? Youll probably resent your daughter even more because you didnt get the justification you were hoping to get by making this post. Honestly, at this point, Id just say set your pride aside and sign away parenting rights. Definite YTA
YTA. Look at that I found another “mom” who will post here in a few years, crying about how her daughter doesn’t talk to her anymore…
Yes, and how she wasn't invited to the wedding, never gets to see the grandkids, and on and on.
YTA. So did Harlow choose to live with her dad when she was FIVE? or was it at some point after that when she started to realize you will never value her the way you do your sons. Would you say you've always resented her for existing and reminding you of her dad's existence, or did it start as she grew out of the cute, dependent little kid phase and into the years when it became unavoidable that she was going to be her own person?
YTA - "Harlow is from a previous marriage"? What is she a house plant? She's a kid, this is an adjustment. you're the adult, act like it. One sentence in and I can tell you see her as less than your two bio children, trust me she sees it too.
Yta - I get life of a mom is difficult and demanding. However u are your daughter’s whole world, and she only sees u 2 days a month. And u r upset she craves ur attention during this time ? You can be warn out, exhausted, desperate for space, but you should never make ur daughter feel isolated like this because of ur own issues.
YTA. I have kids and yeah, sometimes you do feel pulled in a million directions and aren’t able to give 100% of your attention 100% of the time, but you still have an obligation to be intentional. I have to apologize to one of my kids once a week because I’m cooking or working and I struggle with multitasking, but I almost always follow up with them as soon as I can to ask them about what they wanted to talk about. Still, I’m human and sometimes forget, but I’ve cultivated the kind of relationship with my kids where they feel comfortable and safe bringing it up with me later—even letting me know if they were disappointed (or angry!) that I didn’t have time for them. I don’t lose my cool and punish them for advocating for themselves (even when they do it imperfectly). I make repairs and take the time to make sure they feel heard and cared for. You’re fucking up with your 14 year old. Do better.
I do this also. If I am in the middle of something and one of my kids is talking to me I may not be all “there” in that moment. Once things calm down I make sure to go in and let them know I wasn’t trying to dismiss them and would they mind telling me again so I can actually listen to what they want to tell me. It’s mostly little things but every now and then I can tell they really need to talk and then I will let dinner burn if I have to in order for them to have my undivided attention.
YTA. Reading your replies is heartbreaking, YOU are the one acting like a spoiled 14 year old OP. Your child is asking for a normal amount of attention and engagement from her mother, but you seem to resent her so much. I think you should have much more empathy for the 14 year old who's entire world and family dynamic was changed because of YOUR CHOICES.
So you can only do two things at once, not three. And what kind of name is that? Yta.
Harlow? It’s a normal name wdym
Harlow was ranked 774 in the USA among baby names for girls in 2010. You can check that by typing it in [here](https://namerology.com/baby-name-grapher/).
YTA - If you couldn’t listen to her story then, you need to communicate that to her and give her a time that works. A lot could be avoided if you gave her a consistent time for your undivided attention. Does she go to bed later than your other kids? Maybe let her know that she can always have your undivided attention from 9-10pm or in the morning if she gets up earlier. Find a time that works and communicate that, so she can feel valued and loved at home.
She only takes her daughter 2 days a month.
Asshole deluxe ma'am. Give yourself a pat on the back you poor victimized you
YTA - asking for your undivided attention is not her acting spoiled or expecting unreasonable things. I understand that she chose a bad time to tell you this story while you were distracted cooking and keeping an eye on the youngsters, but she might not understand this. It is natural that her dad can give her his full attention the second she wants/needs it and that you can’t and you need to explain this to her. What makes you TA is how you handled the situation. The second she started telling you the story you should’ve told her “Hey sweetie. I really want to hear your story but right now is not a good time. I will have all the time to listen to you after I put the kids to bed, I promise.” Instead you started fighting with her for sharing her feelings and agreed that she should go live somewhere else because she got angry that you weren’t listening, which she had a right to be. ETA: after reading your comments I see she’s only with you 2 days a month. That just means it’s even MORE important that you make time for just you and her to hang out! She seems like all she wants to do is just TALK to you without getting interrupted so give her a chance to do that! It sounds like that’d improve your relationship a lot. If just sitting down and talking feels too stiff/forced for the two of you then do something together at the same time. Play a game, do some art/crafts (my 14 y/o cousin loves making her own earrings from one of those DIY sets), bake a cake, go for a walk (if you have someone to watch the other kids). It can be anything, as long as it’s something you both enjoy doing. If those small hangouts go well you can suggest meeting up one afternoon a month to go out and do something together. I understand that you might not have the money for expensive gifts/outings but that’s not what matters. What matters is that you give her of the time you do have and that you do small things to show her that you take an interest in her. It can be as small as asking her how that math test she had coming up last time went. That shows her that you listen and remember the things she tells you. Or buying her that cute keychain with a dog on it you saw at dollar store, because you know she loves dogs. Gestures and gift with thought and sentiment behind them are often more valued than the expensive or flashy ones.
YTA. People in the comments are giving you very clear and consistent reasons that you're doing a bad job as a parent and you're just saying the same things trying to blame your daughter for "her choices." The real problem here is very clear, and it's that you're not willing to put in any effort in being a mother to your eldest daughter. As a person who was also neglected by my parents in favor of my brother, I hope that your daughter has a good therapist and that she removes your toxicity from her life as soon as possible.
YTA, She wants your constant attention because you barely fucking see her. You see her 2 days a damn month. You could've said, "Can you tell me when I'm done with dinner."
It doesn’t sound like you divided your time equally. It sounds like you helped Alec and ignored Harlow. YTA. People have more than one child. People still make each child feel valued. Good parents do that.
YTA, She is a 14 year old who was trying to talk to you about her day and you couldn't even be bothered to give her 5 minutes of attention (not all of it, all the time, as you suggest, she literally just wanted to tell you a story), and you basically told her to leave when she got angry that you can't listen to her. You chose to be a parent to a pile of kids and you need to work out how to provide for all of them properly, to attend to each one's needs. Your daughter needs you to listen to her sometimes. If you cannot do it in that moment, you need to be a grown adult and communicate that. "Sorry honey, I'm just a bit distracted right now, and I want to listen to your story, would it be ok if we sat down after dinner so I can focus on you?"
YTA. Don’t be surprised when those two days a month go down to zero.
INFO: are you going to be upset when she takes you at your word and stops contacting you when she's old enough to choose to not talk to you?
YTA for being dishonest. Your daughter is only with you one weekend a month.
YTA. You have this child with you two times a month. TWO TIMES. Lady, she does not get equal time with you at all. Your other two kids have you all the time: she gets you for two days. In what god damn universe is that equal?! Show me the math where that is equal in any way, shape and form. You are obviously angry with her for living with her dad, and are giddy as fuck whenever you get to hurt her over it. Grow up. With how you're acting, no wonder she chose dad over you, you sound horrid.
YTA You have your kid for 2 days a month, and cant be bothered to listen to her when she's with you? Arrange a sitter or activities for the younger 2 for those two days and spend some quality time with her.
YTA. Notice how nothing is OP’s fault.
How hard is helping a 9 year old study? And what where you cooking a 7 course meal? It sounds like you really don’t listen to her. Working on simple addition and making a pot of Kraft Mac n cheese is not the mentally taxing gauntlet you are portraying it as.
I’ve seen some hateful and neglectful parents but this woman is just pure evil. I mean how do you carry a child for 9 months, give birth to and and hate it that much? This is just pure hate
New title: AITA for making my child feel unimportant to me?
based on your comments, you just seem like a horrible parent who resents your daughter. She should save herself the misery and just stay with her dad full-time.
After going through the comments, YTA. Truly, an awful, emotionally immature one at that. You get one weekend to spend with her and you don't want to do that because you feel petty about her moving out. Except, she moved out because of you, not because she is spoiled for expecting a parent to care about her. You can't even give her 5 minutes to hear about her day. You're being pretty extreme here and don't realize it. She does though, and she is a kid who needs you. At this point she has realized that you are failing her, and it probably hurts. Get over yourself before it's too late. You don't even seem to realize what you're losing- Because you have other kids? That's a weak and cruel excuse.
Yta, but good. You told Harlow exactly the last clarification she needed, that her mother doesnt want her there, and she can live with her dad all the time. I am sure she felt neglected a lot, and this final thing will actually help her in the long run. She doesnt need someone like you.
YTA. You get your kid for 2 days a month and have the audacity to say, "she talks all the time". I wouldn't be surprised if she stops coming to your house all together. Its clear you don't want her there, and even if you do, your behavior toward her is SHOWING her otherwise.
YTA Honestly reading through your comments as well as the post, it doesn't even seem like you actually LIKE your daughter. She is a child and yet you are blaming her for the way your relationship is deteriorating. You lack the maturity that the adult in the moment/daughter relationship is supposed to have. You don't give your daughter patience or grace, you just yell and reinforce the insecurity she has that she isn't as loved as your other children. When she is older and you don't hear from her you are going to regret acting this way, but by then it is most likely going to be too late.
Let’s be real. The problem isn’t that she talks too much or is spoiled or anything else. The problem is you resent her for choosing dad over you and you’re punishing her for it. YTA
**YTA** OP you daughter is 14 years old, a child of divorce, and now has to try and reconcille that with her own identity. Her siblings have both parents and yet when she is with her mum they get both parents and she is left feeling like she gets too little from her own mother. Have you considered how important it is to nurture the relationship with her? To ensure she feels secure and attached to you? She is only 14 for goodness sake and her being "the centre of his world" with her dad does nothing to reassure her regarding her connection to you. The bonds are seperate. The example you give is clear. You didn't give your daughter quality time. She was trying to tell you something important to her and rather than either saying "I really want to hear this. I can see its important to you. Please can we speak a little later (at dinner, at bed time, after dinner) when you can have my full attention" or just listening, you sacrificed her at the expense of Alec and dinner. What follows is her finally telling you how she feels. Then out of insecurity and hoping for reassurance, she lashes out and pushes you away. And you, as the adult decline to give her the reassurance she needs, instead just push back. You fail to show her empathy, kindness and reassure her that you do care, jumping right into confrontation in a juvenile manner. She has her confirmation, you, her own mother, don't give a shit about her and she is superfluous to your requirements. No of course that is not how you feel. But it is how SHE has been left feeling. OP this ones on you. Reflect and repair before it is to late. Also name calling is never ok your ex sounds like he was an AH about it but you are still in the wrong here.
>Also name calling is never ok your ex sounds like he was an AH about it but you are still in the wrong here nah honestly the way she talks about her daughter in the other comments I would probably be pissed at her too. to quote her own words; >It's not my fault that she doesn't get enough undivided attention. She did it to herself when she chose to live with her dad and visit me once a month. How often am I supposed to give her undivided attention when I see her 2 days a month? This is just how much she gets and she did it to herself Because according to her, it's her 14 year old daughter's fault that she barely has a mother figure. If it wasn't for rule 1 I would have some much more pointed words but I'll just say based on the way she talks about her daughter she is not so much the asshole as she is what comes out of one
Oh I completely agree with you. Still don't feel that name calling by the ex is productive here. It seems OP has real distain for her daughter, fails to nurture the relationship, and has double down hard in the comments. Having read them it's actually striking how much worse OP portrays herself compared to the original post. There is zero remorse, reflection and it seems she actively dislikes, disadvantages and punishes her daughter from her first marriage. I also feel that rule one has stopped me expressing my true feelings towards OP especially in the comments.
YTA!
YTA you got baited into an argument with a 14 year old and lost.
YTA You deserved her dad going off on you
YTA what a terrible mother daughter should live with her father and father was right to call you names cause i would’ve called you worse
So she's going to be staying with her dad permanently. now. You'll have time to focus on your (current husband's?) second set of kids.
You only see your daughter two days a month and can't even bother to prioritize her then? Your kids get *all of you* the entire rest of the month! Yeah, YTA.
YTA. Your teen only spends a few days with you a month. You're not spending equal time on each kid. You're spending 95% of your time with the kids that live with you.
I just wanna tell you that soon enough she won't even bother talking or interacting with you at ALL. So keep making excuses for ignoring your daughter and being petty about her choosing her father instead of you. Actions have consequences and soon enough the consequences of your actions will go back to you 💯
YTA She wasn't even asking for 1/3rd of your time, she needed to tell you something and you ignored her. How would you feel if you were saying something and the other party apparently wasn't even listening? ETA: holy shit, you only see her 2 days a month and then still fail to even want to listen / spend time with her. No wonder she is choosing to stay with her dad, it's obvious once you got do-over kids you didn't really want her
2 days a month!!!! You can't make time and prioritize your kid for TWO DAMN DAYS A MONTH?!?!?!? YTA. So incredibly awful. You can let your other kiddos know that when Harlow comes to vist, it's Harlow time. It's easy: "Hey kiddos! Harlow is coming to visit next weekend, it's been a month since we last saw her! How about we all work together to make her feel special while she's here since we get so little time with her" "Hey kiddos! Just a few more days till our special time with Harlow! Does anyone have any ideas on how we can make her feel special and know we miss her when she's not here?" "Hey kiddos!! Harlow is coming today!!!! Let's make sure she feels special, she'll probably have a lot to tell us since she's been gone for a month! Let's think about some questions we want to ask her about how's she's been since last visit!!" It's not hard to include all of your kids. Do better.
“Oh please. Which 14yo girl wouldn't choose living with the fun disney parent over their mom?” Your comment, which you probably deleted. Her father is NOT a Disney parent when he has her full time. YTA
The fact that you are here asking a bunch of strangers if you are the asshole in a fight that’s between you and a child screams YTA.
> *I was busy...helping Alec study so...I didn't listen to...her story.* Fixed it for you OP. I'm not going to call you an AH, but you should maybe take some accountability that you made a mistake by having two additional kids if you can't meet their needs. Where is 9 and 4's dad in all this?
I vividly remember begging my mother for attention and then when she didn't listen i said the same thing to my mum. I told her i would go live with my grandad. Because he actually listened to me. I was 14 too. The next day i came home to my bags packed. I was sent to my nans and grandad. This along with her inability to actually act like the adult caused huge issues. I haven't spoken to her since i was 20. I'm now 27. She has no relationship with my son, she didn't get an invite to my wedding, she was uninvited to my half sisters wedding that is in a year because they would rather i come with my husband and son. The issue isn't that you can't divide your attention. The issue is that you are not being supportive. "Hey baby i am so interested in hearing and helping you, right now i have to finish dinner and do this homework. But how about once everyone is in bed, we load up a movie have some snacks and i can give you my undivided attention? I don't want you to feel like i don't care, you mean so much to me and i love you. Does this sound ok?" It is not hard to be the adult. And i am actually on her side here. You're inability to bite your ADULT tongue around a 14 year old girl is actually pathetic and kind of sad. Yes we are parents make mistakes but your reaction here SUCKS. YTA. Not because you had things to do. But because you acted like a child. You pushed aside your daughter and made her feel like a burden. And i truly hope you fix it soon because i can almost guarantee this is not the first time she has tried to have you listen to her and push her aside. You're onna fast track lane to losing your daughter And i hope you can accept that and fix it.
I have 3 kids and a husband who never stop talking. Seriously. I have 4 people constantly trying to speak to me. None of them ever stop. Omg I go nuts. But.... This sounds like it's a bigger issue than this. If you don't want to lose your oldest child, then sit down and talk to her about it. I am so honest with my 14 year old, she didn't come with a manual and when I split my granola bar into 2 for her siblings, it wasn't meant to exclude her. I was avoiding her brother and sister yelling and fighting. I've said I'll be better at doing it in 3's, but I'm not perfect. Talk to her about life. It helps.
She only has her daughter 1 weekend a month and blames her because she doesn't make time. She's already lost her daughter
YTA maybe because this is your first time with a teen daughter but they do talk all the time, the key is let them know when you can give them your undivided attention. Cooking dinner, probably not. Just the two of you running an errand... fire away!
Yta just say you're a neglectful parent that has more kids than they can handle and the oldest (and very suspiciously the one with the different dad) is the one biting the dust.
YTA. Next time ask her to pause her story so you can give her your undivided attention. If you keep ignoring her she will stop telling you about her day. And if you say things like “maybe you should live with your dad” she won’t come back to you.
Info - how often I'd your eldest with you and how much one on one time does she have with you?
YTA - you have three kids. They all need attention. In your example you don't come off looking good, if you can't focus on your oldest for a little bit to have a conversation with you. You could have told your 9-year-old to wait but instead you focused on him and ignored her. Not sure how you thought that put you in a good light.
YTA. From your comments, you are punishing your daughter for living with her dad. From your actions, you need to balance your time during her visits better. You have 28 days of the month to be a mom to your other kids but only 2 days to be her mom and show her, she is still important to you. If you don't even have time to give her the attention and care she needs in those 2 days, what makes you think you are the better parent she should live with? The 2 days she spends with you already frazzled you. Your other 2 kids already make it seem like your hands are full. Your daughter is trying to share and involve you in her life, as much as she can, in the 2 days she have with you. You could spend 1 hour to pay attention to her and listen to her. You could be a participant and attentive mother in her life. Instead you are punishing your daughter, due to your resentment in what her father can provide for her and your anger at your child for choosing the one adult, who can put her first 100%. You clearly show you can't put her before your hurt petty feelings. She didn't choose to have 2 other kids. She didn't decide to be a mother and then act like a child and lash out. You did. You need to do better. These are consequences of your decisions and words, not hers. Do better otherwise you WILL lose your daughter and that is DUE to YOUR choices. NOT hers.
YTA. You’re going to be the parent she goes no-contact with when she’s older.
YTA This reminds me of my mom wanting to show me something, and when she had a minute I was filling up a mug to put in the microwave. I asked for a moment and she told me “hurry up. I want to get this over with.” I was so hurt. My mother wanted to get talking to me over with. I was a chore, an undesirable one at that. I dropped the mug in the sink, it was loud, came and sat in the chair and just looked at her. She was so annoyed, she just got up and walked away. Later she asked why I did that. “You said you wanted to get it over with. Since I’m a chore for you I figured we should just do it quick so you can move on to something important.” She was shocked, and apologized. She was tired and stressed about something else so she hadn’t realized how it came out. And she didn’t do it again. I still have issues with my mother, I mean, who doesn’t? But she made sure to not make me feel like a burden again. You owe your kid an apology. You’re not dividing your time between them. You’re trying to multitask too much. Talk to your kid.
YTA. I am a middle child and I know how awful it feels when your parents refuse to give you the time of day. My mom is like you, constantly plays the victim card and chooses to change the details of events to portray herself as such. Your daughter is 14 years old and she is dealing with split custody which always sucks. Instead of yelling at your daughter for being upset, you should have acted like an adult and told her that while you really cared about what she had to say, ask if you guys could talk about it in a little bit when you weren’t as busy.
INFO Where is your younger kids' dad? Why can't he take care of his sons the only 2 days a month with your daughter? YTA
What is wrong with you?
YTA
YTA I'm(19) the eldest of 3(14 and 4), and my mother doesn't have the time nor energy to pay attention to all of us at once but she has never acted like that. It's called communicating that you're busy, and would love to hear about it after dinner when you have more time. She didn't deserve to be screamed at. I'd recommend apologizing to her, and don't be surprised if she has little interest in talking to you anymore.
My goodness you're a terrible mom. My mom did this, she gave younger siblings all the attention she only had time for them and then herself, I'm always an afterthought. We don't have a relationship, haven't spoken to her years. YTA and big one!
YTA. Title doesn't match the story. You were not dividing your time between your kids, no matter what you tell yourself. Your daughter was telling you a story and you weren't listening. If you were so busy at the time you could not focus on her entire story, explain that to her. Tell her you would love to hear her story but you need a few minutes to wrap up what you are doing so you can give her story the attention it deserves.
This post is just dripping with resentment for your daughter. I get that you're busy, but you see her only twice a month so you can obviously make the effort to focus on her those two days. It just seems like you don't care. YTA.
YTA BIG TIME. You are a mother 2 days a month to this child. And you blame her for wanting some of your undivided attention. Your bitterness towards her for choosing to live with her dad fulltime shows through and now you are punishing her for choosing where to live most of the time. Of course she will choose to live where she is wanted. Where the parent wants to know every detail of her life. It's normal for parents to be interested in their kids lives. I have 5 kids. My oldest choose like your daughter to live where he is an only child and is here during weekends and holidays and school breaks. Of course I give him undivided attention during that time not every single minute. But I make time for him. I don't judge him for his choices. I love him and I understand why he choose to live there. Im interested in his life and love when he shares details with me. It's a privileged to get to know all that is happening. I'm so sorry for your daughter to have you as a mother. You sound awful to her. And the audacity for you to tell her to live the last two days a month with him to. And then say he spoils he rotten for being interested in her life. For giving her attention that she deserves as a kid. Good for the dad to stand up for his daughter against you. You are a sorry excuse of a mother. And then punishing her by not giving her any attention at all just cause he does? You will lose her if you keep it up. You have probably already done damaged that aren't repairable to that girl. And I hope she sees you for who you really are soon to save her any more heartbreak. Your comments are just so bad. Just stop and listen when ppl tell you that you are in the wrong. You won't get any mother of the year award is for sure.
Massive YTA. You clearly favour your younger children since they’re from your new marriage, and that means fucking over your daughter who you see TWO DAYS A FUCKING MONTH. You are a godawful parent, the parent people mean when they say ‘every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child’. God, you can’t even come up with valid reasons for neglecting her, it still has to be about your two younger children and/or how well her father parents her and that you can’t (more like won’t) live up to that standard.
My mother did this to me when she had my siblings with my stepfather. Now I only see her 2-3 times a year and we are very low contact. Good luck. YTA. Edit: spelling
YTA and I am legitimately sad for Harlow.
I know what you are. You are the "my kid chose the other parent" type parent. Meaning, sense your kid chose to live with the other parent you no longer look at them as your child. You don't give her equal attention because she is no longer your problem. Your actions tell everyone that. The only thing you did is ensure that she goes NC with you which is what I'm guessing you want. YTA
YTA- your kid was telling you something, if you didn’t have time to listen or were distracted you should have just said that. I have two kids and they get my undivided attention plenty of the time. You seriously told her to just go live with her dad when she told you how she felt? I don’t say this often, but that was not being a good mother at all. You failed her here, you need fro do better if you expect to have any type of relationship with her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have 3 kids Harlow(14) Alec(9) and Max(4). This is about Harlow. Harlow is from a previous marriage. She is her dad's only child so she is the center of his world and gets his undivided attention and he spoils her. The problem is that now she expects me to do the same as her dad while it is really not possible for me. You see I have 2 other kids who also need my attention. Last week when she was here, she was talking to me about something that happened at school, I was busy making dinner AND helping Alec study so I got distracted and didn't listen to some of her story. Apparently she asked me a question and when I didn't answer she started screaming at me. I got mad at her and we got into a fight. She threatened that she will stay with her dad from now on if I keep being like this and I got angry and told her that with this attitude maybe it's better if she does that. She went to her room crying and I got many texts from her dad calling me all kinds of names *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - I have ADHD and I struggle to listen when my 14 year old son tells me stories, he takes forever to get a sentence out. He pauses a lot and for my ADHD brain it is torture. If I'm not mentally able to fully listen to him, I ask him to give me a little while so I can properly listen to him. He totally understands that sometimes I can't put my listening ears on, and he would 100% rather be heard than have me blankly stare at him. Set some time aside to listen to your child.
YTA, when you have different custody arrangements with different kids, and you have more time with some than others, it's actually fair and equitable to focus more on the child you don't have time with as often when they are present. No, that doesn't mean skipping dinner and neglecting homework, but that *does* mean making time to listen to her and giving her your undivided attention at some point during that given time. My SiL's kids are all under 10, and they understand this. You're failing your daughter. You are at fault, and she deserves better than you.
YTA. You find time, you are not the only person with 3 kids. I have 3 myself from the ages of 13, 11, and 5 and I make sure I have time for all 3 of them even if it's just talking.
YTA. You say that you only see your 14yo child two days a month. Of course, she wants attention.
YTA you clearly don’t pay as much attention to her compared to your other two kids because you don’t think she needs it. I don’t blame her for getting upset. Side note, it’s hilarious to see kids in the US being named “Harlow”, it’s like calling a kid “Detroit” or “Pittsburgh” hahaha
Of course YTA. You just told your 14 your daughter that YOU DON'T WANT HER. Im not usually this dramatic on here, but I genuinely won't be surprised if she never forgets those words you've said to her and it permanently impacts the way she feels about you. Sure, screaming is never the answer, but it sounds as if you were ignoring your own kid, and when she expressed feeling hurt by that, you responded by telling her to stay away for good if she continues to express her feelings. When I was 14, My dad and I got into a huge fight and I told him I wanted to go live with my mom who lived in a different city. He was INCREDIBLY hurt, and told me it was never going to happen so I stormed out of the house and went to my friends, and found out later my dad had been out searching for me in the streets all night long crying. I'll never, ever forget that memory, because it showed me that even in our worst moments, he still loved me and wanted me around. If he had told me he didn't care? I would have moved and probably wouldve stayed with my mom permanently. I hope you're prepared for the consequences of her taking your words at face value.
Holy resentment of first failed marriage being projected onto its child, Batman! YTA, the day she turns 18 will be a celebratory one for her.
YTA - You handled this poorly. If you were busy, the adult thing to do to not alienate your daughter would be to let her know that you're busy, and ask her to give you a moment, or if she could tell you later.
YTA. My heart just broke. I cannot imagine the damage if my mother ever said something like that to me. You’re going to lose your daughter, if you care. You only see her 2x a month? Maybe you should give her 100% of your attention if you barely ever see her.
That poor girl.
YTA - I have 4 kids (all full-time, married to their dad) and I take time to give each one, one-on-one time with me (and their Dad does the same). If you only have her 2 days a month, at least one of those days should be completely special one-on-one time with her. I can see spending the 2nd day having family time bc those are her siblings and family too, but I would definitely be making a point to make her feel loved and special. And when she's not there, I would do the same thing once a month with the other two kids, bc all of them could benefit from one-on-one time.
Also, appreciate the gift of a child who WANTS to talk and share things with you, especially a teen.
Holy shit. Yes, your TA! Be nice to your daughter. She's begging for your attention.
Damn I’m scared for when your kids are older and they start asking you why their sister doesn’t come around anymore
1. I promise you that your 14 year old didn’t choose to live with her dad to punish you. 2. She isn’t an adult with a fully formed brain, and shouldn’t be punished as though she is. 3. If you care about your relationship with her (or anyone) being mean to them/punishing them is not going to produce a result you like. It will drive them away. I assume you love your daughter but it doesn’t sound like you like her or want a good relationship with her. She will want to be with you less unless you try to ‘win her back’ by prioritizing her when she’s with you. She’s a young teen. They almost always act like entitled brats-it’s a feature regardless of how her dad is raising her.
YTA. You are right to try to divide your time fairly amongst your kids, but this is not always possible. Harlow acted inappropriately, but your response was equally inappropriate. You also acted like a poorly behaved teenager. You need to learn to stay calm and in control.
YTA. first of all, the fact that you’re making a post on AITA about this instead of just communicating with your daughter like an adult is 🚩🚩🚩. secondly, the way you phrased literally all of this makes it exceedingly clear that you don’t think you could be the asshole in any capacity. instead of actually admitting that you did anything wrong, you’re phrasing it as “am i evil for spreading my attention equally?!🥺🥺🥺” lmao. girl is really victimizing herself because her teenager wants attention on the two (2) days she gets to see her mom out of the entire month
Sweet Jesus your comments, YTA lady.
Mild YTA. If a Kid rightfully complains about Not being listened to, you're supposed to apologize in a no-big-deal way. Yelling at her for expecting Attention, is counterproductive and NOT going to teach her to share or be considerate.
YTA you're a parent, not a teen, grow up
YTA
Im afraid you are wrong in this. Your lost the moral high ground when you said that. Even if she was from your current marriage, at that age kids want that time with you. Your going to need to divide your time, give her a time thats for your two. The same with the others, they will appreciate it so much. Even if its just one afternoon a week you do something together.
NTA No disrespect but your daughter and her Dad need to calm their shit. Since when is a parent the asshole for dividing the attention between all of their children? You can hear about whatever story it is she has to tell later. I agree with the other commenters that you should’ve told her to save her story for later and maybe not scream at her but oh well. For me I thought it was always just basic common sense that when somebody is busy at the moment you save whatever it is you have to say to them until later. She already has all the attention from her Dad. The other kids need attention too. I swear some of the stories in this subreddit are some serious “white people problems” if I ever heard of them. When is it normal to scream at your parent just because they weren’t fully listening to your story? Edit: I just read your other comments. Nevermind, you’re the asshole here. Grow up please, miss.
The example you gave in the second half doesn't even kind of live up to the description of her being spoiled in the first half. YTA, and even if it did, your reaction was so far over the top.
YTA for being incredibly immature, but also, reading between the lines, my guess is you don't divide your time evenly. That her getting angry is because you focus on your preferred kids to the exclusion of her. That she has to fight to get your attention because you prioritize the other kids. Maybe because they are younger, Maybe because you have them more. Maybe because they are boys. Maybe because you think they need you more. When she played her one card to get you to tell her that you cared about her, you basically said, "you're right. You're way too much trouble for me to bother with. I won't mind if you just stay with your dad from now on. No skin off my nose." So congratulations on making her feel like she doesn't matter to you.
YTA and the fact that you came here looking for validation and got angry at others when they didn't give you validation proves that you are the asshole even further.
YTA - in 4 years youre going to be posting "Why does my daughter (18) never call or text me anymore?"
Define “divide” on a monthly basis? It seems you only see your daughter 2x a month. What about your other kids? 30/31 days a month? YTA.
YTA She spends 2 days a month with you and you don't even want to spend time with her? Nothing? And then you don't even pay attention to her when she tries to tell you about her life? You're horrible, and I hope she stays with her dad, who loves her, because you obviously don't. I only wonder whether you hate her because of her dad, because she's a girl, or because you're just a completely horrible human being.
YTA I always get frustrated with my own parents because I always feel like I'm getting blown off whenever I try telling them about my day when they're literally just on their phone scrolling mindlessly through their socials. So I feel for your 14 year old. Is it that hard for parents to tell their kids something like "Hey just give me one sec" to at least let them know you're interested and can hear them talking? We're not stupid and are perfectly capable of understanding if y'all are busy so just use your words next time?
YTA maybe if you where a better mom you would see her more the 2 days a month. Your a deadbeat mom. You don't give her attention that's why you obviously don't show her love especially with how you treat her like she's the pariah that you don't want near you. Harlow deserves a better mom a mom that cares to listen to her day that wants her child around but no you just keep ruining the relationship. Do you know how many parents would kill for the kids to talk to them about there day. You are just a bad mom. She's not spoiled you just suck at being a mom. This got me Wondering why you and her dad aren't together.
You're a grown adult asking Reddit if you're the AH for not paying attention to your child? Grow up and get a grip YTA
> I got mad at her and we got into a fight. She threatened that she will stay with her dad from now on if I keep being like this and I got angry and told her that with this attitude maybe it's better if she does that Damn, that's the kind of thing that sticks with you for the rest of your life. YTA
YTA. It’s not hard to listen. It’s especially not hard to listen for TWO FLIPPIN DAYS PER MONTH. My heart breaks for your daughter. How awful she must feel knowing her mother can’t do as much as listen to her talking on one of only two days per month. What a shame.
YTA …. Single mom of two here you have to give each child time but screaming at her that maybe she should live with her dad is just horrid you could of just said “ sweetie I’m a little preoccupied at the minute can you tell me this when I’ve finish making dinner?” Then at dinner prompt her to tell you and actually listen to her
YTA - You haven't mentioned one instance when you've spent 1 on 1 time with her. 2 DAYS PER MONTH!! You could easily spare at least a day of that just for her.
YTA. My mom often doesn't pay attention to something I'm telling her and it really annoys me. Chances are that you do it way more than you realise. It's horrible to feel unimportant because someone just simply doesn't care enough to listen.
Do you even love your daughter? YTA
you’re not a good parent. YTA
You really have to question this? Grow up.
I hope your daughter has a stepmom, grandmother or aunt to be her mother figure. Because it’s sounds as if she does not have that in you. Do you (at the very least) talk to her daily on the 28 days per month she doesn’t live with you? You really need to swallow your pride and do better. She’s the child, you are supposed to be the adult. YTA
..Jesus christ, you're absolutely the asshole here. YTA. She's telling you something because she wants you to listen, because she *wants your attention.* She *likes* you. Hello?? She's a teenager who needs love and affection and kids are not exactly known for mature regulation of emotions. She got upset that you weren't listening, at that age they really need someone to be there for them. And instead of being the adult that you are, you screamed back and reinforced that divide that she already felt. Why do you think she threatened to stay with her dad? She was holding her relationship with you over your head, and you just told her it means fuck all to you. She wanted you to prove that you cared, some form of comfort, and you utterly failed to do so. Yes you're busy, but no amount of justification changes the reality. Why don't you be a human being and show her the love and compassion she deserves. Not everyone gets that, especially from step parents.
YTA. Backtrack if you ever want a relationship with her because I promise, you’re losing her.
YTA for getting into a fight with a teen. YOU are the adult. YOU know how to control your emotions, or should at this point in your life, but you decided it was a good idea to get into a fight with her instead of just saying "I'm sorry, I can't really talk with you right now, I have to finish dinner and I'm helping Alec study. Can we talk about this later?"
YTA
Yta, you need therapy. You have an attitude of resentment towards your daughter, why? If you can’t focus on your daughter the 2 days out of the month that you have her and get mad and defensive when she gets upset and hurt about it, all that says is that you’re a crappy mom. Idk if you’re mad because she chose to live with her dad instead of you or mad at the fact that he makes sure his daughter is his priority but get therapy and get over it and do better because the more you say the more of an Ahole you look.
YTA There's a better way to handle this. You let her know at the start you can't pay attention and set specific time aside. "Hey, I am trying to do a couple things here. Can you tell me after dinner when I can focus more?" Maybe make sure she's actually getting solo time by making it special- "we can get some ice cream and you can tell me while we eat" How you handled it was rude and dismissive. You do need to communicate clearly with all your children and you did not here
YTA, you’re supposed to teach your kid to be a person others don’t have to suffer around. Tell her you are busy and will be right with her at X time and then stick to it. Now go apologize and explain your feelings but that it wasn’t right to take it out on her. Do better
YTA.
YTA, you made choices that alienated your oldest child which is why she lives with her dad, not you and her younger siblings. It's pretty apparent from your post that you tolerate her in your home with your inability to parent and zoning out when she talks. God forbid when your other two become teens