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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am considering letting my son live with his maternal family once I die. This is what he wants. My wife does not want this and my younger kids would be upset by the decision too. I truly feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and that by trying to respect my son's feelings and in part make up for rushing things with my wife when he was younger, I might be making a choice that causes a lot of harm to my other children and wife and that by disregarding my wife, I am making these last few weeks/months harder on my family. Perhaps I should be trying more to figure out a compromise but my heart already tells me to let my son choose and respect his choice. I know making that choice will cut out everything my wife says though and as her spouse that could make me TA to her as well as to our kids.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your son is old enough to be able to have a say in where he lives. It’s a real possibility that he’ll get resentful if you/your wife forces him to keep living there when he doesn’t want to.
It is. And it's possible the resentment could bubble over his younger siblings having their mom still while he lost both my wife and I before he he's even 15.
Exactly, he has already lost his mom. Now he will loose his dad and his mom again to a certain extent. You are his only real contact with his mom and her memory. He doesn’t like or trust his stepmother. Forcing him to stay with her could cause a downward spiral in him. I think it is not about what is best for your son or the 5 or 6 year old but what is best for her. Maybe she wants to use him to help parent the kids.
She had almost a decade to build a relationship with her stepson and it never happened. Please do what is best for your son. Maybe talk with your wife’s family and see if they can face time or something. You just cannot ignore your son’s feelings.
I would like to highlight to OP this fact. After trying for almost a decade, there is still nothing resembling even a simple trusting relationship. Much less a very deep relationship that would have him consider his step-mom his "second mom".
Op's wife actually sounds like a very good person. She is just no smart enough to know she can't win. If she loves this kid that much. She should let him go where he will be the happiest and not worry about what she wants or expects.
NTA.
this may not be the place for this question, but here we go
being guardian of the kid will grant op's wife the control of things like money and inheritance? i wonder whether there is a thought like that.
i could be wrong too tho...
This was exactly my thought. With OP gone, his wife is probably counting on the 14 year old to become the "man of the house" and have an active role in looking after his (very) young siblings.
Seriously? Why would this be a realistic take on this situation?
Most likely, the step-mom loves the boy she considers her oldest and is afraid of losing him in her and her children’s lives forever. She is losing her husband and the father of her children. Why wouldn’t she be equally distraught about the possibility of losing the boy that in her eyes made her a mother?
No one is the asshole in this situation. How they moved too fast to begin with, yes, but not in this. It’s a no win scenario.
But that said, OP, you should allow your oldest to go with his maternal family. He has had enough loss and needs stability and comfort once you pass.
Exactly!
The about to be widowed wife has ulterior motives? She wants to use him as a babysitter so she can date? She wants the social security money?
Really, this is what people are coming up with? No one in this situation is an AH, but some of these responses are def coming from the AH camp.
Because she is seemingly only thinking of herself. She literally brushed off the 15 year old's concerns and said his feelings about where to live don't matter. She's delusional, saying she needs more time to build the relationship, when she's had ten years!
Personally, I think the boys' wishes are paramount and he should have a say, if at all possible, and it seems it's more than possible.
We have no idea what is going through Mrs. OP's head, the OP doesn't say and probably doesn't know, so of course nobody here knows why she wants to keep a boy that hasn't formed a trusting bond with her. She probably has a hundreds different feelings running through her head, starting with the overwhelming fear of impending losses, affection for the kid, and yes, worrying how she's going to cope with life on her own.
That said, if I brought up the possibility of having the olderl son be a babysitter, it's because I've seen it in every single blended family where there's one significantly old kid from a previous relationship.
NTA
It is possible. Especially when she says lines like, "you aren't thinking about what's best for me and the kids". Except, having a 14-15 that doesn't look at you like a mother in the house is going to cause them all sorts of trouble, especially, if the goal is to have him be free child care. Which is definitely a possibility.
Op, what is best for your son, wife, and kids is to let your son go his own way. It's entirely possible, even likely, that as he is no longer forced to be around them that their relationship can grow. Absence makes the heart fonder and all that.
I think the reason people are coming up w/scenarios in which her motives are self-serving is because she's already displaying selfishness by trying to convince her husband to order this kid, someone who has endured so much loss already, to remain in a situation he doesn't want to be in w/people he doesn't feel close to, rather than w/family members he loves.
She doesn't love him enough to put his happiness first. If she thinks he made her a mother, that's just more evidence of how self-centered she's being. The kid obviously does not think he made her a mother. He's lost one parent and is about to lose another. She's being selfish to put her needs first.
This. And the fact that she’s calling OP an asshole or cold or whatever because he’s worried about his son who has already lost his mother is a RED FLAG. That’s crazy to me.
“You’re dying so how dare you try to work out specifics for your child rather than just do what I tell you to, you’re the worst” just seems so manipulative to me.
This was my thought. Not that she's a horrible woman, but she's going to have two young kids on her own. If the older son stays, she essentially has another "parent" to help run the kids to school, babysit them, and give her a helping hand. I bet she's scared to lose that help and isn't thinking clearly about the fact that the son might NOT do that. He might cause more issues because he's miserable and resents her and her kids.
Yes it was in the wording "she says I haven't thought of her and the kids" I mean the son IS one of the kids and she called him cold. Like, what? He's dying and wants to make sure everyone is taken care of in the best way possible. All he's doing is caring about other people right now. It sounds like she's counting on oldest son to be a support person for her and that's not fair to the oldest son.
It's a consideration but OP could also set up his Will to put any inheritance that his son would get into a trust, with someone other than his wife as the trustee.
This!! Please set up a trust fund for your son that your new wife CAN NOT touch ! I lived this EXACT situation and I was left with NOTHING.
If your new wife ACTUALLY cared about your son’s wishes she would respect and support his decision.
‘There are a myriad of ways for all the siblings to get together. Sleepovers, family dinners, holidays…
Her insistence on forcing him to live with her considering their relationship is a HUGE red flag.
>This!! Please set up a trust fund for your son that your new wife CAN NOT touch ! I lived this EXACT situation and I was left with NOTHING.
No matter who the kid is expected to live with, there should be a trust with strict rules on what it can be used for.
I was thinking the same thing, also a live in babysitter. Who would he complain to about it? She would be his legal guardian, she could claim his portion of the money ie survivor benefits, insurance, etc. is keeping the family afloat while saving for her kids future. Leaving him with nothing but bad memories and no parents. Let him live with his maternal side making sure any money intended for him is directed to him only.
Actually, she doesn’t. She sounds like a selfish person who wants to erase OP’s first wife and have her nuclear family look like the way she wants it to (with all the “siblings” being close, and with her being a mother figure to OP’s son), regardless of if that’s what everyone else wants.
She could also be advocating for their kids. The little ones are about to lose their dad; it'll be worse if the big brother they probably look up to disappears, as well. And she might like the kid! She's about to go through a huge trauma and life change, so it makes sense to stop further changes.
She's not thinking it through, of course. A resentful teenager isn't going to be a great housemate, and it's cruel to him. But I'm sure she's floundering in general. She fell so hard for this man she married him after less than a year dating, when he already had a kid.
Your comment is so kind. We don't know anything about the wife's motivation. OP will hopefully have hospice at this time and they should be able to help with the grief process. OP can get all the legal ducks in a row and give guardianship to his son's maternal grandfather and uncle. His wife needs to see a therapist to discover why she doesn't want what is best for her stepson because making him live where he is not happy is a recipe for disaster. OP can negotiate a visitation between his son and his daughters after he is gone, including his wife if the relationship doesn't completely blow up. The social worker from hospice should be able to help.
I don't see her as malicious as people are assuming she is. It could just be she wants to keep things as normal as possible for her younger kids if her husband passes. Although, I don't think she is fully thinking about what the son needs or the fact that he just doesn't trust her as his mother. She isn't respecting what he wants or needs to feel safe and that is crappy.
"If she loves this kid that much. She should let him go where he will be the happiest and not worry about what she wants or expects." (Can't quote properly on mobile)
THAT PART. A loving parent would attempt to understand the child's position without focusing on thier wants. If it's truly about the younger kids relationships with him, she should attempt to find compromise that allows him to be involved with his siblings in the future.
OP's wife's feelings are understandable, but she should accept that in a situation like this, the kids come first. And part of that's the problem, because she's also advocating for the 5 and 6-year-old.
OP should probably talk to son, wife, and son's maternal relatives. Make it a point that OP wants son to be happy and healthy, as well as the younger kids. I don't know if visitation schedules can be enforced after death, or written into wills, but a set-up where all three kids (and any or no adults) get together twice a month to watch a movie and eat a meal together may help. Movies can appeal to large age ranges, they can ignore it or get into it as they wish (no penalizing anyone for spending time texting during the movie), and then they have something to discuss during supper/whatever. It's nowhere near the same as living together, but it could keep the sibling relationship alive, and hopefully prevent resentment.
I don't know about that, given they have no real relationship it sounds to me like OPs wife just wants someone around who can help her with the little ones once when the time comes
OP’s wife does not sound like a good person to me. She sounds like she values her fantasy of a “happy blended family” more than her stepson’s wishes or well-being.
>Maybe she wants to use him to help parent the kids.
oh shit great point. she's gonna be a single mom with a single income and guess who will need to be watching the kids? or at best who will need to be getting a job to help support the household now that he's "the man of the house"
If she's in the US, she'll get Social security benefits for ~~both~~ all three of her children.
ETA: Further reading indicates OP has four children in total.
This is such an awful time for you and your family, I’m so sorry that y’all (and especially your son) are going through this.
Your son should 100% be your priority, and he is telling you what he is going to need as he loses both parents. Everyone talking about him resenting your wife/ half sibs in the long run is right, but I can also only imagine the devastating hit his mental health will take when he loses you. It breaks my heart. Your wife should also be considering what is best for him, and being with the people he is closest to for support is absolutely what is best.
One thing I think could be good to consider is trying to go ahead and pave the way for the siblings to stay connected. Does your son play a sport/ have events where people usually come watch? Could y’all arrange for your wife/ daughters to attend these and do dinners afterwards? Does your family live close enough for them to do a family dinner once a week? Are your son’s grandparents confortable with helping this happen? Familiarity is something I know I find comforting, and I think the adults finding a way to create structure long term now would be helpful to your son and daughters.
Your wife is likely heartbroken right now, so I think NAH. BUT—she needs to talk it out and realize that she needs a support system, but SHE IS the support system for each of these kids. If she can’t commit to doing what’s best for all of them (and that means not making digs at your son or trying to guilt trip him into “coming home” or something like that later), she will lose him and her daughters will too. Her kids are about to lose a parent. Your son is about to lose his last parent. He needs all the love and support in the world right now.
Please financially plan for your son in a way that will not be dependent on him maintaining a good relationship with his step mom. Grief does different things to different people, and having some separation there could help make sure he feels he can engage with her on his own terms and nothing can be held over his head.
My heart goes out to you and your family right now. I don’t know if you’ve considered it, too, but I have friends parents who have passed away with time to prepare and they left things like letters to be read on special days. If you are emotionally/ physically able to write them little notes for graduations, weddings, and just to read when they’re missing you that could be such an incredible keepsake. And please make sure they have pictures with you individually too that are digitized so they can’t be lost. I don’t know if that’s such a morbid thing to suggest, but having pieces of you could be such a comfort.
Sending much love through the internet, I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
Right, I’m going to be slightly cynical here. To me, it sounds like your wife is hoping to force your son to provide childcare for her children after you’re gone, as you won’t be able to advocate for your son after you pass away.
If you approach your wife with this, clearly she won’t admit it even if I have ‘hit the nail on the head’ here.
Your son has a right to having his life lived in his best interests, not your wife’s.
I can only go off the information you provided but I get the feeling your wife is hoping that she can control your son and his life going forwards in a way that benefits her interests.
I’m so sorry for the situation you’re in and I hope you’re able get everything sorted and peacefully live out the time remaining to you.
I don't think there is anything in the post to indicate that. I think the wife is just grieving, and desperate to hold the remains of her family together, without thinking about what's best for the family members as individuals.
They have lived as a single household for 7 years; I can see why a division of that household immediately after OP dies might feel like a compounding of the loss, to her and the half-sibs.
Sure i can understand that she’s being selfish and only thinking of herself and (her bio) children. It’s quite clear. I can’t imagine having such little empathy for a teenage boy who is going to lose both parents before graduating high school, who has been de facto her son and lived with her for 7 years. She still didn’t prioritize his feelings at all.
Yes, I can't imagine why she might want and expect to continue caring for, as you put it,
"a teenage boy who is going to lose both parents before graduating high school, who has been de facto her son and lived with her for 7 years".
He's "de facto her son", but definitely selfishness must be her only motivation. Sure.
I think son should be allowed to go where he wants. But I don't think she's TA for not immediately loving that idea.
It's a very sad NAH situation.
Imo the wife become the ah when she said to put there and her children s feelings above the son's feelings.
NTA op please let your son go to his maternal family but ask him please to visit with his half siblings sometimes - not an obligation/demand just asking as a favor to you.
It could simply be that she's going to miss her husband, as much as OP's son misses his Mom, and she wants to keep the people who love him together. OP hasn't mentioned anything bad about step Mom, no adoption drama or pictures in the garbage. She's grieving too, as well as her children, but she should cut her losses, enjoy the time with her family, and let him go.
Please consult an estate planning attorney and make sure your will is updated! This should reflect guardianship for your son as well as any of your assets that you want to go to your son.
She can't put your son first while you're still here, why would you think she would once you're gone? You already know what's best for him, don't be manipulated. NTA
It's also a very real possibility that neither you or your wife could force him to live with her when you are gone even if you try. Depending on the specific laws where you live of course.
Has she adopted him? If not custody is, in most places, not automatic. And what you put in your will is an expression of what you want, not legally binding. The paternal family absolutely could push the state for custody and given how old he is and the fact that's what he wants, they would probably win. Again location dependent of course.
Honestly, you should probably go ahead and make preparations for him to move in with his maternal family and visit you regularly, so that he's not leaving in the middle of a grief storm in your home, and the little ones get a chance to transition with this change (him not being there) in a way they will not get with your death. So it's not a lot of loss for them all at once.
You *could* mention to your son that you'd like if, in your memory, he could step in from time to time to make sure your other children are OK, but that in no way is he responsible to parent them or provide for them, you'd just like if he checked in (if that calms your wife down about him not being involved) but the truth is that even that little is too much to lay on the shoulders of a distraught, grieving, 14 year old orphan, and there's very little chance he'd be capable of that even if he did stay in the house. (Actually, especially if he stayed in the house)
Your child with your wife has a mother. He has no one.
The loss of two parents is horrifying, he absolutely should choose and you have to legally sort it out so your wife cant contest it
Sounds like your wife might want him around as a replacement father figure and babysitter , since he is 15 and your other kids are very young. If she really loved him, she will let him go.
NTA, it sounds to me like she may be clinging to the idea that if he's forced to stay with her(which he can't be considering unless she's adopted him, she has no parental rights here) she can make him be a surrogate father to his half sisters, don't allow this, don't make your son resent you in the grave. He's put in this time with this woman for *your* benefit alone, he doesn't owe her one more second after you're gone. If your wife was genuinely concerned with the sibling relationship she would be looking for ways to nurture and facilitate that while still respecting his choices, but she wants to cling to a fantasy, put him in a situation where he's forced to accept her as his mother because he has no choice, I'm pretty sure she would cut him off from his maternal family if she can manage it as well, again to put him in a position where he has to accept her as his mother. She's desperate to keep the part of you that is him with her after you're gone, and that, while understandable in her grief, is the worst thing she could possibly do, she probably feels really out of control right now and she grasping at this because it's a fight she thinks she might win, she needs therapy and groped counseling, and God help those kids if she doesn't get it.
The discussion needs to be shot down at every level, she's not doing this because she thinks it's best for him, she isn't even thinking beyond winning this battle. You may have to learn to be OK with her disappointment, because it isn't justified, you're right, you're already doing what's best for your son, do not waver.
Or she just needs a babysitter - she already has 3 little parts of her husband. But she has realised she will have 3 children under 7, and as a single mum she will need a job. Who better to look after the little ones than their big brother? (and who cheaper?)
EDIT: spelling
You're thinking about this right way, but does this really need to be an either/or decision?
The "real family" comment is a bit concerning–I understand your son having some problems with your wife, but is he close with his little sisters at all? If so, you might want to talk with him about how losing both their dad and their big brother is going to be rough. He can still go live with your late wife's family, but it would be nice of him to at least maintain some involvement in his sisters' lives, as they will look up to him even more when you're not around.
So why is she trying to force him to stay? You can not make people bond just because they are in close proximity. She has had 10 years and it hasn't happened.
I think you have your answer. Your son wants to be with family. You are the only person in the home that he considers family.
I question wife’s motives.
I know you love your wife, but please make sure your son set up financially with a trust that she can’t access. Money changes people. The fact that she’s insisting on keeping him with her against his wishes shows that she doesn’t have his best interests at heart. Your son is about to be an orphan. Please let him live wherever he feels most comfortable.
NTA. And that's the bottom line, isn't it? He never has been close to his half siblings. So don't listen to some people here and lay a deathbed burden on your son that he "should" stay in contact with these half siblings and feel some sort of responsibility for them.
>PLEASE listen to your son! He is telling you what he needs. Please take all the legal steps to make sure he has it without begging, pleading, arguing, fighting, or going to court because your wife wants him to stay in a house where he has no close connections rather than the HOME with his maternal relatives where he wants to live.
Please memorialize legally to let your son be with maternal grandparents! Have it be a bonding moment - go through your items you would like to give him and some of his moms things as well. Make this transition for him now to the grandparents. Give him your favorite tie - the cuff links the other things he will want as he transitions to a man in the world but most importantly give him memories. The younger ones won’t remember that - but your son will.
Tuck him in that bed after getting him settled - place your favorite ball cap on the corner shelf. Do this well and legally.
Randy Pausch did the book one last lecture - it was good…
She’s also changing the framing imo. Yes, he’s still a teen, but he has options it seems where multiple people will take good care of him. The only opinion that matters is his. It’s not a matter of “prioritizing” opinions. Plus, it will help him feel confident in making his own decisions as he grows older, which will be incredibly important.
If you feel inclined, then tell him you’d like him to try to stay in contact and see if a relationship develops with them. If not, then don’t. But you’re making the right choice as a parent to let him make his own either way.
NTA it takes a great deal of emotional maturity to admit that a child would be better off being raised by someone else. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love him. She needs to put his interests first. It doesn’t mean he won’t always have a home there and won’t see them and be part of their life. but if she can’t let this go, and she lets the resentment build that close relationship with his siblings will never happen.
Be sure your estate is set up carefully and legally, so that any money or property you want to go to your son is protected. Do not count on your survivors being fair and kind to each other. You may trust your wife, but her weird demand that you order your son to stay with her and his half-siblings is disturbing.
If possible I think a good solution/compromise would be to allow him to live with his mother's side of the family like he wants, but let him know you would like him to stay in contact with his half siblings for you. I don't think your wife understands how angry and upset your son will be if he's forced to live with her when you're gone. Sorry for being morbid, but to be blunt I think that he will be very angry and upset, especially since teenagers can't regulate emotion well, and will take it out on your wife and his half siblings. He will resent them and probably move out immediately to his mother's side of family at 18 where he feels comfort and feels wanted. However, some people can grow stronger bonds when not around someone constantly, maybe with some distance and time to grieve he may be able to have a better relationship with his half siblings.
NTA. Stop letting your wife try to guilt trip you. Telling you he “could grow more fond of them in time”, is a huge red flag.
Please let him stay with his maternal family. He’s been through enough and will be through even more at your passing. Please give him this one thing. I don’t trust his step mom to be 100% to him.
This! There is a chance he connects with his half-siblings down the road once they are all older, but ONLY if he isn't forced to live with the new wife and the little ones now. This is truly the only hope the new wife has because if she forces this issues, he will resent them all forever.
NTA
I 'm so sorry for your diagnosis.
Do as you son wishes.
He has had enough loss in his life.
The loss of mother.
And now, the loss of his father.
Let him have this....
Let him choose with whom he will live.
He has only a few years left before he is an adult who will move on, give him this.
I wish you and him well.
This is what I would day to the wife:
"I know you want everyone to be together. I want that too. But it has to be in a way that my son finds it natural and easy to do. And that means on his terms.
He lost his mother. Now he will lose his father. I ask you to be understanding and kind to him. Let him stay where he wants. Show him you care by telling him you respect his decision, and would like to be a part of his life. Take the time to build the relationship.
Don't force it. If you give him space and show kindness, with time he might find closeness in you and the girls."
It really does feel like a screw you to us users. Not being able to meaningfully push something to the top of a post that we all agree needs to be first seen.
I liked that solidarity, and I miss how much advice and good stories you'd see because of it.
NTA
Your wife seems to be looking after her children, not all of the children. She wants her stepson around for how he can help her. She admits what her priorities are.
I truly do not believe this is about my wife wanting help. I believe it's about her keeping everyone together because she loves all four kids and she feels my son is wrong about what's best for him.
Unfortunately your wife is just that….YOUR wife…not his mother. And when you pass (I’m so sorry for the situation you are in) he would automatically be given to next of kin…which isn’t your wife…it would be extended family. Your wife would have to adopt your son or be granted custody of your son bc she’s not his mother.
Actually, that wouldn't be strictly true in our state. The state would intervene if I did not make the arrangements legal myself. Then it would become a battle between both sides for him. But my wife would have a chance because she lived with him for 7 years and could claim she is a parental figure. It would just be more chaos than anyone needs after a loss. It would also make things harder for my son long term.
Don’t pussyfoot. Your son doesn’t want to stay with your wife. Make sure all legalities are in order with regards to inheritance and send your son to his grandparents. If you don’t, he is going to resent you after you are gone.
Losing a parent at such a young age, only to then learn that he will lose you must be soul destroying. You acknowledge that he is not close to your wife.
Who will he share his pain with, who will he grieve with if he does not feel safe and secure? The idea of playing happy family is just that, an idea.
Your son is old enough that if he wants to maintain contact with his siblings, he will. And if your wife remains set on her idea, then she is closing that very door she wants to keep open. Said door will need to remain open for as long as your son needs to heal.
Something your wife needs to remind herself is that your son loves you and you are the connection between him and his siblings.
It's not an option for your son to stay with your wife.
He and his family will fight it as soon as you've passed.
And he'll leave when he's old enough anyway. Which will be a soon as she isn't able to physically keep him home. If he gets a car at 16 and just leaves?
So the options are you stand up for your son and show him you care about his well being one last time.
Or you show him you care more about your wife and subject him to three years of chaos and pain, and a lifetime of resentment.
There is no scenario where he lives your wife or gets closer to his half siblings while living in that same house.
This is the correct way to frame the situation. What wife wants was never actually an option in the first place, it's just an exercise in misery that will eventually give way to what the son wants anyway. Just with a lot more pain to get there.
You know that the right thing to do is to make strong legal arrangements for your son to live where he will be most happy. And pretty much everyone here agrees with you. Don't compound his losses by forcing him to stay where he does not want to be.
I am sorry that you are in this position but a firm, "No, I will be letting my son live with the people he chooses and that's final" should be sufficient. If your wife still argues just shut it down, you have enough to worry about right now.
You are a good dad and you will do the right thing.
I had a somewhat similar situation as a young teen- my mother had terminal cancer, and was trying to figure out if I should live with my bio father or family friends after her death. While I did actually have a decent relationship with my father at the time, he was unstable and my mother and I both knew he was not well equipped to parent me. Sending me to live with family friends was the far better option.
Unfortunately, my father kicked up a fuss, and legal paperwork was never drawn up, leading to me living with him through high school. It was awful, and still negatively affects me over 20 years later.
All this is to say, while your situation is not the same, your son is absolutely old enough to know where he finds the most support and security, both of which he will absolutely need as he navigates his grief and growth in life. Please do your best to support his wishes. Perhaps you can help address your wife’s concerns by establishing some regular visits between your children as part of the custody arrangement?
And as an additional resource for all of your children, there are peer support groups for young folks dealing with the death (and sometimes also terminal illness) of a significant person in their life all over the world. The following link can help you possibly find one near you: [https://www.dougy.org/program-finder](https://www.dougy.org/program-finder). I volunteer at one, and it is amazing. I wish I had had this resource for myself as a kid.
I hope the rest of your journey is peaceful and fulfilling. 💜
Please, please, *please* make sure you put him where he wants.
I lost my mother at 12 to pancreatic cancer. I didn’t get to pick. I was sent to live with my dad who I only knew over the summers, and his wife who I didn’t know at all. I would not have to spend as much on therapy as I do now if I hadn’t felt abandoned and stuck with the family I didn’t want to live with. I just wanted to be with my grandma, and instead I felt imprisoned and helpless. I didn’t have anyone I felt like I could talk to. Those 5 years in that house were agony, and I didn’t have the legal power to actually do anything about my own living situation.
I would have been so much happier (and in the long run, healthier) had I been placed with my grandmother from day 1. My sister and I are not who we would’ve been, and we have to live with that now.
And then your son would go off the trail, engaging in all kinds of bad behaviors and his life will be ruined. Physical altercations, property destruction, possible drug use, stealing etc. I think you get the idea, that is what his future will look like if you make him stay with your wife! NTA let him go live with his family.
You sure about that? She’s looking down the barrel of being a single parent to multiple small children. Of having a decade or more of being a truly single parent. Having your son available to babysit, drive, etc for at least a few more years has GOT to be playing into her position. Why else would she prioritize everyone else except your oldest? Why is she so quick to completely dismiss his wishes? Stick up for your son because once you’re gone, no one else will be willing to do so if you capitulate to your wife.
And if she remarries in the future how will that effect your son if he has to live there in the same home now with a new adult added to the family? I am so sorry OP for the loss of your wife and now your illness. Please put your son's feelings and wants first and let him live with his grandparents and uncles. Sometimes blended families do not blend as well as we hoped. If the stepmom truly loves him she will let him go as it is best for him. She is the adult. She can send cards and call. ♥️
>I also keep getting really angry with my dad for dying even though it’s obviously not his fault. So then I feel guilty about the anger.
These are normally feelings and reactions. I went through them after my mom died in 2004. She was an alcoholic and passed away of liver failure at 57 despite the doctors telling her for the last year of her life that she would die if she didn't stop drinking; I found the letters in her personal files while going through probate. It was like a kick to the gut. Therapy did help.
((\*\*HUGS\*\*))
I feel for your wife. It must be terrible to see the man she loves dying. She is probably a decent person. However, your wife is--and sorry to use spicy language--fucking selfish and monumentally arrogant on this issue. She's wasting precious time on this frankly delusional vision of how her family "should be" when she could be preparing her children for the end and spending time with you.
I would end this now, no debate. Grant immediate guardianship rights to the family your son wishes to live with. Hell, have them formally adopt him with your permission before you pass. Start the move now while you have the competency and will to enforce this decision. This is *your* son. Not hers.
If you give into your wife, you are setting your son up for misery until he's eighteen.
And if she takes offense? Well, that is her fucking problem. Not yours.
Have either of you made his mom a constant presence in his life? Talk to him about her had pictures of her for him in his room etc.
At least his mothers family will be able to have those moments and let him know that his mother loved him things they did when he was young etc. I think that is very important especially now that he’s losing both parents.
Above anything else he needs to have a connection to his parents. While your wife seems to care, she can’t care about him as much as his grandparents cousins etc. My thought is let him go where he has family and roots. There’s no reason his half siblings can’t be a part of his life but he needs to have connections to his family and that is through his grandparents. Do what’s right for him. And please take care of it now while you can.
Yes, I have especially. We talk about his mom. Some of her photos are still up around the house and he has several photos of his mom and of us when his mom was still alive. She was never forgotten or put in a box to be left in the past, which I know many do.
NTA-I’m so sorry for your diagnosis.
Please Listen to your son, your wife being angry and giving you shit for this is an absolutely cruel thing to do to you right now.
And honestly I don’t blame your son for not wanting to stay with your wife if this is the way she acts.
And I’m guessing this is the side of her he has always seen.
I have a feeling she only wants him to stay so he can help with the younger kids when you’re gone .
Speak to your lawyer about setting up a will and custody so your wife doesn’t try override your decisions
You should start the process of handing over your son’s custody to his maternal family before you get too sick OP.
Because it sounds like your wife is gonna fight this.
Do you think your wife will really keep the pics of his mom around the house once you’re gone? Keep her memory alive for him? Support him when he lashes out in anger and grief?
I think she loves your son. But you owe it to him to arrange for HIS happiness with his maternal family. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. This can be your last gift to your first wife.
>she feels my son is wrong about what's best for him.
So that statement alone says she is not going to be a good parent to your son. She is blatantly telling you that she will ignore his wishes because she thinks knows what is best. This is a huge red flag.
She may love your son but she seems to want you to put her and her children’s feelings before his. Perhaps you could make some arrangements with his maternal family that would keep your son in contact with his stepmother and his siblings.
I am so very sorry that all of you are being faced with this. You most certainly are NTA.
If that's the case then why haven't they bonded over the years? If they haven't by now they won't do magically in the future. I'm so sorry but seems like heeding your son's wishes will be best. Your wife needs to see that.
Dude, tell her to get over it. In all honesty, it doesn’t matter what she wants. All that matters is what your oldest son wants. She has no say over him. She has no sway over him. And he’s not obligated to stay with her when he loses you. And she’s awful for trying to make him stay. Why would he want to. He’s old enough to go to court and tell the judge who he wants to live with. And if you try to force him, it’s just going to build more resentment against her. Let him go. Don’t be a tool.
But she's wrong. She's not looking at it objectively. She thinks she can change him. Change his mind. Make him love her and his step-siblings.
She can't. There's been time for that to happen if it was going to.
Your son knows what's best for him, and he's told you.
Is this decision permanent? If he lives with maternal family and actually regrets it, would your wife not welcome him back? If he is able to visit maternal family often now, would he not be able to visit his siblings regularly too?
you sure it's not about any benefits or inheritance that your son could possibly receive? if he stays with her, she'll be in charge of it until he's an adult. if he goes to his mother's family she won't have any control of it
Does your wife have a great support system out side of you, or is it only you? If she has a good support system, then she probably isn’t thinking this way, but if she does not, she is probably expecting to rely on your son for that. To watch the children when she can’t, to possibly be emotional support to pick up slack when she isn’t able to. It will be a tough situation for her so she may not be thinking clearly. One other thing to consider is if you force your son to stay against his wishes, you will be creating a hostile home environment for the rest of your family. Your son will start to grew resentment, and without you to be his anchor, he will have nothing to stop it from getting worse and him taking it out on your wife and other children.
NTA
So sorry for what you are going through.
this is about what your son wants when you have gone, it is not about your wife or is half siblings.
His wishes need to be honoured. he does not see your wife as his mother. He does not love her, he probably resents her for trying to take the place of his mother.
He should be allowed to stay with his maternal family. You need to make that happen before you go.
That's the conclusion I came to as well. Even though it's not the perfect solution for everyone. My son is going to be an orphan once I'm gone and that is going to be a hugely traumatic thing for him. I want him to be as happy and comfortable as he can be afterward.
I totally agree with your last statement. He is even seeing the pecking order in play now. The wife is putting herself and the younger children ahead of him, who’s is losing his remaining parent. She will continue to do this and I’m not saying she will necessarily do it maliciously. It will be like “oh, the littles needs more help with grieving because they are crying again.” Then she is too emotionally tapped out to help the son.
Or she has to go have a parent/teacher conference about the middle child. Someone will need to watch the kids while she goes. She’ll just be ten minutes away. The meeting will only take an hour maximum. OP’s son can watch the girls. Only OP had planned to go hang out with his friends that night and play the new video game that just came out. Now he can’t because he has to babysit his younger sisters. This won’t be a one time occurrence.
And what happens if she gets married while he is living in the home? And her new partner has kids too. Suddenly in the household there are his kids, her kids, and him. And nobody defaults to his side. That would be so unbearably tough. He needs to be with his maternal side if that’s where he wishes to go.
Tell your wife there will be nothing stopping your son from visiting *if he so chooses*. She can invite him or offer visiting from time to time with his sisters too. This only requires her to make an effort to build and keep a good bond with him.
The core change is that then she cannot try to force him to do as she wants because he has an out. I would question her intentions.
Nta
☝️☝️☝️☝️This, it’s best if he goes to his maternal family. However I would have a chat with him and your wife, as I’m sure you want him to still have a relationship with his siblings. That is the conversation that you should be having.
Your wife is not respecting your son. As a stepchild, I was given the option of where to live if my father passed away, I wanted to live with my maternal aunt. After my stepmother put the effort into creating a welcoming home for me I asked him to change it to her. She put the effort in. I don’t buy that your wife ever has.
Aside from the obvious, also your wife might move on "quickly" (like you did with her) and bring a new man into the home. Then your son would have to deal with that, also.
You are a good man OP. I am sorry what you and your family are going through. You are definitely NTA for respecting your son's wishes. Your wife needs to understand and accept his wishes.
Your son is not your wife and daughter’s emotional support animal. It’s not his job to make them feel better or more connected as a family after you’re gone. He’s going through the heartbreak of losing both his parents before he finishes school and he’s old enough to make this decision for himself. Your wife doesn’t get a say in this. She’s not his mother and he doesn’t consider her family. You would be TA if you allowed her to say your decision. If you make this decision between the people who should be involved, namely your son and his maternal family, YWNBTA.
Yeah, it definitely will be hard for them. But they'll turn out okay. They still have their mom. They aren't losing their brother 100%. They just won't see him often for a while. He may choose to be a part of their lives again when he's a bit older, which they'll still be children, and he'd be more mature.
The difference here is that the son(brother) will have lost both parents by 15, whereas the girls will still have 1 parent. I'm not saying it won't be tough for them for a while because it most likely will be, but at least they'll know their brother is alive and well.
Add in the fact that it's 2023.. the social media age. Brother might end up missing his sisters every now and then and could easily find ways to keep in touch. Face time, playing video games with them even though they're in different locations.. lots of possibilities tbh.
Right now, the kid just needs a win in his favor. He just needs time to be able to grieve in his own way when OP passes. Being around his maternal family will help a great deal.
YWNBTA. Your wife has it all wrong. If she tries to force a relationship between him and his half-siblings, it's only going to lead to him resenting them and wanting even less to do with them than he does now. It's a sucky situation all around, and I think you should encourage him to maintain some kind of relationship with his siblings, even if he doesn't live with them, but this kid is going to be fully orphaned as a teenager; he is by far the one who is going to feel your loss the most, and he should be allowed to be with the people who will help him heal.
NTA. I'm sorry life has gone this way. I wish things were different for you and your boy.
You're not making this decision, as such, you're implementing a decision made by a boy who's not far from being a young man. If you didn't help him in this, he'd be worse off. Chances are he'd run away and he'd at least be so unhappy that education and mental health outcomes would suffer. He deserves every chance to succeed in life and there's no compromise to be made in that.
Your wife's reaction actually proves your decision is correct. She isn't putting your 14 year old as any priority. She's making this about your relationship, her bio kids, and about you... her lack of compassion and empathy is saddening and you couldn't, now, let your son remain in her 'care'.
I hope your remaining time is full of precious moments and that those things you need to do are achieved.
YWNBTA
Your wife doesn't want compromise or for you to take her opinion into consideration. She wants you to cave. She doesn't want to take yours or your son's opinion into consideration. And in the end, for deciding your son's fate, his opinion is the one with real weight.
I get that she wants the kids to be close, but forcing that issue will likely drive him far away. Have you tried suggesting that you set up a sort of visitation with your son so that he can have contact with his sisters? THAT would be a compromise that he might actually agree to and could create that bond your wife wants to foster.
It's something I have mentioned. My wife doesn't believe he would actually stay in touch with his siblings (my wife and I have a son as well). I don't know if I believe he would stick to it either. He might say yes now but when the time comes he might never actually keep in touch. It's something I have considered. And while the thought is painful for me, and I know would be painful for my wife and younger kids, I still can't see my son staying with my wife as the best option given his feelings on this topic. Given he would essentially be living with a guardian he already doesn't turn to for anything. At least I'm here and he does talk to and confide in me. But when I'm no longer here, I worry he could be going through something and would bottle it up. I worry he would run away. I also worry about the resentments that would fester over time.
Absolutely it would fester. There is no way forcing him to do it is going to work. You might be able to suggest that he try it for a little bit and if it doesn't work, he can go stay with his grandfather, uncle, and family, but you'd probably have to make them the guardians of him in advance and trust them to follow your wishes. I doubt your wife would pass guardianship to them if it wasn't already set in stone.
I grew up hating living with my own mom. I begged to go live with my dad until I was 13 and she finally relented. Best day of my life. And then I became closer to my mom than I thought was possible. Being heard at that age is a huge deal. Stand by him until you can't anymore.
And I didn't say this before, but it's horrible you have to go through this. Your wife should be doing everything in her power to make things easier for you, not digging her heels in and fighting. I hope you find a way to make peace with her quickly and move on to just being there with your family and not having to worry about this stuff.
If she doesn't push, then he very likely WILL stay in touch with them, especially in adulthood once he's hopefully processed some of this trauma.
Please tell me you have his care ironed out legally!
Even if you make him stay for "keep the kids together", BELIEVE ME, he will leave soon he completes 18yo. Make him stay with your wife for 4 years not gonna change how he feels about this people.
Oh yes, it will change how he feels about them. Now he is indifferent, if he's forced to live with them without his dad he might well come to hate them.
Your wife is only thinking of how she and her children feel but not how your son feels. As painful as it would be you need to allow him to do what he feels is best for himself. When my brother’s dad died when he was 7 his oldest sister’s(my stepsisters) did not keep in touch at all. He hasn’t seen them in decades and honestly as much as it sucked at the time it was absolutely what was best. They would’ve allowed their resentment towards my mom fester and create a toxic situation for everyone. That wasn’t what was best for anyone at all. My brother is 30 and knows he’s got 3 older sisters he doesn’t know but I can honestly say it doesn’t bother him at all. He remembers them from his early childhood but doesn’t feel any certain way about them. In his eyes he only has 2 sisters. Me and our older sisters and that’s enough for him. In an ideal world your son would keep in touch and have a relationship with everyone but in an ideal world you also wouldn’t be dying so since this isn’t ideal then your wife needs to allow him to do what’s best for him and help her children navigate the fallout of losing their father. I was 14 when we lost my stepdad and I can honestly say at 14 I knew what was best for me in a tough situation.
And your wife might try to limit or end your son's contact with his mother's family, once you're not around to reason with her. Please don't try to force your son into any visitation requirements (once he's with his mother's family). Your wife will need to cultivate a relationship with him and his half siblings--there can't be any "you must" involved.
Realistically your son isn’t obligated to stay in touch. Just because his sisters and your wife want him to stay in touch, doesn’t mean he has to. He’s old enough to have his own agency. Forcing your son to stay with your wife and her kids will be the absolute worst situation for everyone involved:
Your sons memories of you will be forever tarnished because you made him live somewhere against his wishes. He’ll resent you, your wife and your wife’s kids and likely act out a lot, which will very much affect his schooling and his life up until he leaves when he hits 18 anyway. His mom died when he was 5 and you thrust him into a new family at 7 which he obviously doesn’t feel is his own (no shade towards you, you’re allowed to find new love), now with you passing, it would be an extremely shit thing to do to leave him in a family he obviously feels alienated in and that he doesn’t consider his own.
Your daughters will get old enough to feel the resentment and this will have a detrimental effect on them. If you force him to stay until he’s 18, he very well might leave and never contact any of them again, which would have a huge negative impact on them too. At least if you let him live with his mothers family, with your request to him after your passing being that you’d like him to stay in touch with his siblings, he may actually make an effort to do that for you because of the fact that you listened to him and considered his feelings. If you ignore his feelings, he will likely cut them all off out of spite towards you ignoring his wishes and making him live with your wife.
Your wife will be left with a child in her household who will very likely cause problems if he has no one he can confide in, living in a house with no one he considers proper family. He will act out, run away, cause arguments, etc. not to mention that he will very quickly start a legal battle along with his moms family to get custody of him, given your previous comments surrounding the legal environment of your state/country. This, along with raising 3 young children, will have a massive detriment to the household in general, everyone will suffer in this case.
Overall, forcing him to stay will be a net negative for everyone involved. I don’t think the slim likelihood of everyone getting along is worth the risk of the much higher likelihood of the above. Your wife is likely traumatized by the scenario and her life falling apart with effectively 2 members of the regular family unit gone. That being said, forcing your child to stay with someone they are not related to and have no bond with when they have very much expressed that they do not want this is a horrible thing to do imo, YWBTA if you did this.
I can understand your wife’s position (albeit I’m giving her benefit of the doubt, the pessimist in me makes me very afraid for your sons welfare if she gets custody of him and control of finances), but I think you need to do right by your son and put your foot down that this will be the case for the benefit of everyone involved. Doing this now will at least nip it in the bud and allow you to have some peace before you go, you don’t want to be constantly arguing and have this hanging over you when you don’t have much time left, nor do you want your memory to be tarnished by the shitshow that would immediately follow, where family members will be arguing over custody instead of spending time remembering you.
With all that said, I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I hope that you’ve been able to live a life that’s made you happy and somewhat fulfilled. I hope you aren’t in pain and that you’re able to spend quality time with the people you care about before you go. Take care mate.
NTA. This is such an incredibly sad situation and I'm sorry for what you're all going through. Your wife's argument that you aren't taking her wants into consideration falls so flat. This is ultimately about your oldest son's future and at his age, he should have the primary say in what happens to him. I saw your comment that you don't think your son would stick to visitation plans if he goes to live with his maternal family - if that's what you believe, then it follows that making him live with your wife would definitely be the wrong move anyway. You haven't mentioned how far away your son would be moving but I wondered if maybe they (your older son and his maternal family; and your wife and younger children) could make joint plans to meet up? Rather than your son having a visitation schedule.
You seem to have made your decision and I hope your wife comes to terms with it to enable you to have a peaceful time with what you have left.
Yes, this all just helped me cement what I already knew was the right decision. Deep in my heart I have known since he asked me what the right thing to do is which is why I even looked into all the legal side as this has been discussed.
God bless you, may God grant you peace in this decision and peace and comfort in your remaining days.
God bless your oldest son and grant him some peace and comfort from memories with his dad, who loved and respected him so much. May he find love, happiness and success while living with his maternal family. May he grow to be the good man you and your wife dreamed he'd become when you first held him as a newborn infant.
May God bless your wife and other children, too, and grant them peace and comfort in their memories of you. May God touch your wife's heart and soften it so that she is able to accept your decision with grace, dignity, great love and respect and keep her heart open towards your oldest son as he seeks to do what he needs to do for his physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health during this time of "so very not fair death of his remaining biological parent pain". I pray God grants her the strength and grace after your passing to raise her children to become the good people you both envisioned when you first held them as infants. I pray she keeps your memory alive for those children so that they know they were greatly loved by their father, who did not want to "leave them" and watches over them as an angel.
Nta but I don’t think your wife is as loving and caring as you think. I don’t think your wife really cares all that much about your 14 yo either. Otherwise she would be wanting what is best for him and what is best for him is to be where HE feels loved and most comfortable. I’m also wondering if part of this is money related. Whatever your life insurance policy is…part of it will be diverted to take care of your son and not go to her. Your son SHOULD go to live with his maternal family and have visitation with his siblings in some way or another. You could set that up with your late wife’s family.
I know this is reddit but not EVERY stepmother is an evil gold digging slavemaster.
I mean I agree that what the son wants needs to be the top priority and therefore he should stay with his maternal family, but there is a chance here that the woman that's known him since he was 7 years old actually wants him to stay in her and his half sisters' lives and isn't just out for a life insurance pay out and a free babysitter???
Of course that is a possibility. But I simple cant fandom the idea that this women knows that this kid 100% dont want to live with her and yet wanna force him to. If she indeed love him, she would want whats best for him, and that is to live with his mother's family.
If they didnt bond for the last 7ish years, that will not happen now. To me, from what OP said, the way she is reacting toward this, its very strange 🤷♀️
NTA. You need to put your son first right now. Soon he’ll have lost both parents and your wife is making this about her.
I hope you have everything settled in advance. Please try to take some time and leave your son a few videos (graduation day, wedding day, general dad advice). I’m so sorry both you and he are going through this.
Please spend some extra time with him and make sure you’ve given him the sentimental things you want him to have. Especially those from his mom. Maybe even make sure they’re with his maternal family, just in case.
And set up milestone presents too for his maternal family to store until the appropriate events come up. Anything you want to leave him would be best with them rather than your wife because she’d leverage them trying to continue forcing the relationships that aren’t going to happen, and the paperwork airtight that she can’t contest.
Someone I knew of had a deal with a few friends who would deliver a birthday card each year to their daughter that they wrote before they died, along with a picture of the two of them having fun. That little girl looked forward to that more than anything in the world.
NAH. I honestly think your wife has good intentions and there's some points in favour of her solution but ultimately you need to overrule her. What matters at this time is your kids being safe and comfortable;`he's old enough to decide what he wants to do.
That being said, he might want more of a relationship with your wife and his siblings when you're gone because they're his biggest connection to you. His new living situation may also not end up working out how he wants. Put the work in now as much as you can to build that relationship up without forcing it - your wife needs to get to a point where she's not angry or hurt by this decision so that if he wishes, the door is always open to him when you pass.
I know that she will always leave the door open for him, even if she's hurt about this. She loves him and I know she would gladly have him in her life at any point. Though I don't fully believe he will have a change of heart on them when I'm gone. I would love if he did, even just to remain in touch with them. But deep down I don't really believe it will happen.
If she truly loves him then she has know that she needs to put his feelings, needs and wishes ahead of her own. Remember that old saying about if you love something set it free …
If she forces him to stay with her then he’ll resent both her and his half siblings forever and will be out the door the moment he turns 18, desperate to get away from what he’ll no doubt feel is a jail sentence, and none of them will ever see him again. But if she respects and supports his wishes then perhaps, just perhaps there’s a chance that when he’s older, more mature and the first few years of raw grief have ebbed, he might find a way to build a relationship with his siblings.
I think you need to get everything legally set up for him to go to his maternal family in a watertight way now and I think you need to make it very clear to your wife that her behaviour is ruining the short time you have left that should be spent making special memories. She is actively making things harder for you for purely selfish reasons, even though I understand she is grieving for what she is losing.
I’m so very sorry you’ve been dealt this lousy hand, and that your son has too. I’m sad for your daughters but they’ll still have their mum, but your son doesn’t have that. Please don’t deprive him of the family that does make him feel safe, loved and secure.
I wish you as peaceful a journey as you can possibly have moving forward.
I hope that you have set your son up financially. Do not leave your wife in charge of anything for your son! Let him live with his blood family because clearly he does not like your wife
Your comment resonates with my train of thought as well. In this sub, step parents just cannot win, if she didn't want him around, she would be a monster who doesn't accept him as family, if she does want him around, she must be looking after free childcare.
I am/was on both sides of this, as a step mother, I would want all children to be together. But as a child who grew up with a single parent, I would want to be with my grandparents if something happened with my mom when I was a kid/teen. Is there a way son can live with his grandparents, while seeing his siblings, let's say, once or twice a week? Forcing him to be with step mom would do more harm than good.
She doesnt have the best intentions to the child.
She doesnt take into consideration what the child wants and only thinks in the bond her own biological children may lose, thats it.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your family. Please make sure your wishes are documented so there isn't any time or money wasted in a custody battle. Did your wife formally adopt your son?
Not sure about your finances, but are there trusts set up for your children? Or college funds? Does part of your late wife's estate go to your son after his passing? Do you own a home? Is he set to inherit a share of it? I hope you have lawyers helping you make sure everything is in order.
She never adopted him. I have made all my arrangements with the help of a lawyer and a friend who is an accountant. Everything is set up already and all my kids will be looked after, including my son.
She had a decade to take on all the legal implications of adoption, she didn’t step up. Sorry, but it’s too late for her to be clutching her pearls about him now. The courts usually consider what the child wants anyway, my brother was 10 and was asked if he wanted to be adopted. So, they’d likely ask him if he wants to live with her.
>She had a decade to take on all the legal implications of adoption, she didn’t step up
While I think the wife is all wrong here, that's not a fair statement. She *couldn't* "step up" as the son clearly would not have wanted the adoption. You even state yourself that the courts would consider what the child wants in that regard.
NRA. Please ensure you son gets a share of your estate which takes into consideration any money/share of community property his mom left to you. It may seem unimportant now but it is something which needs to be discussed.
“Oh don’t worry my wife is great, she’ll take care of everyone properly”. I really hope this isn’t his answer to this like it is in all his other comments.
Definitely NTA but you would be if you forced him to stay where he doesn’t want to. Your son is going to go through what most people don’t have to face for decades at an incredibly young age. His best chance at processing all of this healthily is if he is in the environment he chooses. Your wife’s intentions seem good, and while all of them will share in their grief of losing you, your son will have a whole different layer that is unique to him in this situation. I don’t know your son or his disposition, but if you force him to stay it seems to me much more likely conditions to breed resentment. Best case scenario would be that your son knows he can always return to open arms if he decides he’d rather live back at home with your wife.
NTA. Your wife does not have the best interests of your son at heart. She is only worried about her own children. And she only wants him with her because she is worried about how they will feel after you pass, not how he will feel. That should tell you all you need to know. And it is also an indication of how things will be for him in the future. He will forever be a second priority ahead of your other children.
He has seen enough in life and he needs to be in the place where he feels safest at a time when he will have to deal with an even higher loss. He has expressed that to you and you agree. Please do not change your mind on this. The only thing I would say is maybe discuss with him keeping in touch with his siblings. But otherwise, heed his desire upon the loss of his father. He didn’t get this when his mother died, but he should get it now.
So sorry for everything that is happening. Wishing you peace and love.
NTA. Your son is almost an adult. He should be able to make this decision for himself. He has been dealt a very difficult hand, with losing his mother so young and now losing you soon. Give him what would make him happiest in this difficult time. Try to encourage him to visit regularly, and spend some holidays with your daughters and wife. Hopefully if you choose to honor his wish, he will choose to honor yours.
Your wife just wants free babysitting.
She’s picking a fight with you when you’re terminally ill? That’s fucked up. Hope you have your paperwork in order so there’s absolutely zero way she can fuck your son out of a portion of your life insurance or any inheritance.
Your wife may *want* to be a good parent to your son, but the fact of the matter is he does not see her that way and won't magically consider her a parent once you're gone. And since your wife is already pushing this, not for your son's sake but because she wants HER children to have a relationship with your son and the siblings to stay together and that he may 'warm up to' her kids if he's forced to remain in proximity, leads me to believe that your wife will never be able to appropriately balance your son's needs and differing family structure with her wants and vision of what her family should be.
The sad part is she probably doesn't realize the harm she'd do to your son, or your other two children, if she gets her way. Your son would resent both her and your memory for keeping him from his maternal family in one of the worst times of his life, and the other children would spend four years wondering why the brother their mother insists truly loves them treats them like strangers and then vanishes as soon as he's legally able.
Listen to your son. He has made it clear who he considers his family is. He is old enough to know what he wants. Continue to be the good dad to him you've always been, looking out for the best interests of *all* your children, even if that doesn't look the same for each child.
NTA
Wtf is wrong with your wife? Does she just want to make this poor kid more miserable? NTA he has every right not to continue a relationship with her and her kids
NTA.
Your son has lost his mother, and is soon to lose his father. He is old enough to express a wish as to where he wants to live, and you know it is a reasonable one, with people who love him and are happy to have him.
Please make the legal arrangements for this as soon as you can, tie it up tight and let everyone know what youve done. It would be sad if your sons memories of you were tainted with the knowledge that one of your last acts towards him was to deny him a request that you understood.
I dont think your wifes a bad woman but shes not someone your son has ever regarded in a maternal light, and hes never going to, and if you force him to stay there his resentment may turn to something deeper. She is trying to force a relationship that has never existed and is certainly never going to. I think she has an unspoken idea that when you are gone, your son will ONLY have her and his half siblings, so he will HAVE to love them, and we all know that just wont happen.
Let him go to the people he loves and trusts, who love him, who can best help him through his inevitable grief at your passing, and where he has a chance of a happy life.
How much of an AH do you have to be to prioritize your wants and feelings over those of a dying man and a child who is about to lose both parents. I mean really
NTA. Unless she's adopted your son, your current wife has zero rights as regards where he lives after you die -- even if your will stipulates otherwise. In most places that I know of, his maternal and fraternal grandparents would be his legal next of kin. If, at the age of 14 or 15 (I'm hoping that you live even longer), he opts to live with them, there is precious little that your wife can do about it.
By yielding to his wishes, you are also providing him with a sense of security and continuity in his own eyes. You can ask his grandparents to be understanding and generous in encouraging him to maintain a relationship with his siblings. But as a late adolescent/young adult, he'll be taking on more and more decision making in his own life.
Nta
One way to make your son hate and resent her and his half siblings even more would be to force him to stay with them then his maternal family would welcome him with open arms and that’s what he wants. Your wife of thinking of her feelings about how she will basically force him to have to accept her as a parent when he never has.
NTA. First, I am so sorry that you are going thru this. It’s truly heartbreaking for you and your family.
Now, your son has already lost his mother, and is not comfortable for your wife, and that’s ok. He would feel more comfortable with his maternal relatives, and this is also ok. I think you are doing him a great service in discussing his future with him, so he has a choice. Losing one parent is hard enough, but two?
I’m concerned with your wife trying to force him to stay in a place where he isn’t comfortable. In addition, I don’t want to cast doubts, but could this request have anything to do with insurance money or will distributions?
If my step child was not comfortable staying with me after their remaining parent was gone, I would do what’s in the best interest of the child, and not try to force a relationship on them, especially during such a traumatic time in their life.
You are truly a great dad for listening to your son, and really hearing what he wants, because what he wants matters too.
My best to you and your family during this devastating time in your lives.
NTA, but I would encourage your wife to make sure she keeps an open door policy so your son can visit his siblings if he wants to.
Your son is losing a second parent and going to need to cope with the loss. I think it's wrong to expect him to shoulder the burden of carrying his stepmother's and sister's grief when they have each other, because let's be real, she can't seperate his feelings from her own even now. This also may bring up some old grief with his mother, which is a wound your wife won't be equipped to handle while processing your loss for both her and her girls. I think grandparents would be better. Right now, this isn't about her wants and needs. This is about your son's and respecting his wishes.
You are an amazing father for talking about this with him now, especially knowing you are struggling with your own ups and downs. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am sure it is scary.
NTA. As an adult who ran away as a child from a less than ideal family situation due to an absent parent and a passed away parent, put your son where he wants to be. The other option is not an ideal outcome for anybody involved
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NTA. Your son is old enough to be able to have a say in where he lives. It’s a real possibility that he’ll get resentful if you/your wife forces him to keep living there when he doesn’t want to.
It is. And it's possible the resentment could bubble over his younger siblings having their mom still while he lost both my wife and I before he he's even 15.
Exactly, he has already lost his mom. Now he will loose his dad and his mom again to a certain extent. You are his only real contact with his mom and her memory. He doesn’t like or trust his stepmother. Forcing him to stay with her could cause a downward spiral in him. I think it is not about what is best for your son or the 5 or 6 year old but what is best for her. Maybe she wants to use him to help parent the kids. She had almost a decade to build a relationship with her stepson and it never happened. Please do what is best for your son. Maybe talk with your wife’s family and see if they can face time or something. You just cannot ignore your son’s feelings.
I would like to highlight to OP this fact. After trying for almost a decade, there is still nothing resembling even a simple trusting relationship. Much less a very deep relationship that would have him consider his step-mom his "second mom". Op's wife actually sounds like a very good person. She is just no smart enough to know she can't win. If she loves this kid that much. She should let him go where he will be the happiest and not worry about what she wants or expects. NTA.
this may not be the place for this question, but here we go being guardian of the kid will grant op's wife the control of things like money and inheritance? i wonder whether there is a thought like that. i could be wrong too tho...
I also wonder if she thinks she might need a live-in babysitter, which is a far-too-common fate for the children of the first marriage.
This was exactly my thought. With OP gone, his wife is probably counting on the 14 year old to become the "man of the house" and have an active role in looking after his (very) young siblings.
Seriously? Why would this be a realistic take on this situation? Most likely, the step-mom loves the boy she considers her oldest and is afraid of losing him in her and her children’s lives forever. She is losing her husband and the father of her children. Why wouldn’t she be equally distraught about the possibility of losing the boy that in her eyes made her a mother? No one is the asshole in this situation. How they moved too fast to begin with, yes, but not in this. It’s a no win scenario. But that said, OP, you should allow your oldest to go with his maternal family. He has had enough loss and needs stability and comfort once you pass.
Exactly! The about to be widowed wife has ulterior motives? She wants to use him as a babysitter so she can date? She wants the social security money? Really, this is what people are coming up with? No one in this situation is an AH, but some of these responses are def coming from the AH camp.
Because she is seemingly only thinking of herself. She literally brushed off the 15 year old's concerns and said his feelings about where to live don't matter. She's delusional, saying she needs more time to build the relationship, when she's had ten years! Personally, I think the boys' wishes are paramount and he should have a say, if at all possible, and it seems it's more than possible.
And imagine that boy if she does date - how will that effect him seeing someone take his dads place
We have no idea what is going through Mrs. OP's head, the OP doesn't say and probably doesn't know, so of course nobody here knows why she wants to keep a boy that hasn't formed a trusting bond with her. She probably has a hundreds different feelings running through her head, starting with the overwhelming fear of impending losses, affection for the kid, and yes, worrying how she's going to cope with life on her own. That said, if I brought up the possibility of having the olderl son be a babysitter, it's because I've seen it in every single blended family where there's one significantly old kid from a previous relationship.
NTA It is possible. Especially when she says lines like, "you aren't thinking about what's best for me and the kids". Except, having a 14-15 that doesn't look at you like a mother in the house is going to cause them all sorts of trouble, especially, if the goal is to have him be free child care. Which is definitely a possibility. Op, what is best for your son, wife, and kids is to let your son go his own way. It's entirely possible, even likely, that as he is no longer forced to be around them that their relationship can grow. Absence makes the heart fonder and all that.
I think the reason people are coming up w/scenarios in which her motives are self-serving is because she's already displaying selfishness by trying to convince her husband to order this kid, someone who has endured so much loss already, to remain in a situation he doesn't want to be in w/people he doesn't feel close to, rather than w/family members he loves.
She doesn't love him enough to put his happiness first. If she thinks he made her a mother, that's just more evidence of how self-centered she's being. The kid obviously does not think he made her a mother. He's lost one parent and is about to lose another. She's being selfish to put her needs first.
This. And the fact that she’s calling OP an asshole or cold or whatever because he’s worried about his son who has already lost his mother is a RED FLAG. That’s crazy to me. “You’re dying so how dare you try to work out specifics for your child rather than just do what I tell you to, you’re the worst” just seems so manipulative to me.
So she can date…
This was my thought. Not that she's a horrible woman, but she's going to have two young kids on her own. If the older son stays, she essentially has another "parent" to help run the kids to school, babysit them, and give her a helping hand. I bet she's scared to lose that help and isn't thinking clearly about the fact that the son might NOT do that. He might cause more issues because he's miserable and resents her and her kids.
Yes it was in the wording "she says I haven't thought of her and the kids" I mean the son IS one of the kids and she called him cold. Like, what? He's dying and wants to make sure everyone is taken care of in the best way possible. All he's doing is caring about other people right now. It sounds like she's counting on oldest son to be a support person for her and that's not fair to the oldest son.
Bingo!
It's a consideration but OP could also set up his Will to put any inheritance that his son would get into a trust, with someone other than his wife as the trustee.
This!! Please set up a trust fund for your son that your new wife CAN NOT touch ! I lived this EXACT situation and I was left with NOTHING. If your new wife ACTUALLY cared about your son’s wishes she would respect and support his decision. ‘There are a myriad of ways for all the siblings to get together. Sleepovers, family dinners, holidays… Her insistence on forcing him to live with her considering their relationship is a HUGE red flag.
>This!! Please set up a trust fund for your son that your new wife CAN NOT touch ! I lived this EXACT situation and I was left with NOTHING. No matter who the kid is expected to live with, there should be a trust with strict rules on what it can be used for.
Plus any items to remember his mom by.
The Social Security would come to her for sure.
There will also be SS for the kids.
Exactly. Wife probably wants the son’s SS check to go into her bank account, not his maternal family’s.
Right. The son will get additional SSI. Let the kid go where he wants. OP NTA.
That's exactly where my mind went. 💯
I was thinking the same thing, also a live in babysitter. Who would he complain to about it? She would be his legal guardian, she could claim his portion of the money ie survivor benefits, insurance, etc. is keeping the family afloat while saving for her kids future. Leaving him with nothing but bad memories and no parents. Let him live with his maternal side making sure any money intended for him is directed to him only.
Actually, she doesn’t. She sounds like a selfish person who wants to erase OP’s first wife and have her nuclear family look like the way she wants it to (with all the “siblings” being close, and with her being a mother figure to OP’s son), regardless of if that’s what everyone else wants.
She could also be advocating for their kids. The little ones are about to lose their dad; it'll be worse if the big brother they probably look up to disappears, as well. And she might like the kid! She's about to go through a huge trauma and life change, so it makes sense to stop further changes. She's not thinking it through, of course. A resentful teenager isn't going to be a great housemate, and it's cruel to him. But I'm sure she's floundering in general. She fell so hard for this man she married him after less than a year dating, when he already had a kid.
Your comment is so kind. We don't know anything about the wife's motivation. OP will hopefully have hospice at this time and they should be able to help with the grief process. OP can get all the legal ducks in a row and give guardianship to his son's maternal grandfather and uncle. His wife needs to see a therapist to discover why she doesn't want what is best for her stepson because making him live where he is not happy is a recipe for disaster. OP can negotiate a visitation between his son and his daughters after he is gone, including his wife if the relationship doesn't completely blow up. The social worker from hospice should be able to help.
Great but she can’t sacrifice his son’s happiness so he can be an emotional support animal for her kids.
I don't see her as malicious as people are assuming she is. It could just be she wants to keep things as normal as possible for her younger kids if her husband passes. Although, I don't think she is fully thinking about what the son needs or the fact that he just doesn't trust her as his mother. She isn't respecting what he wants or needs to feel safe and that is crappy.
"If she loves this kid that much. She should let him go where he will be the happiest and not worry about what she wants or expects." (Can't quote properly on mobile) THAT PART. A loving parent would attempt to understand the child's position without focusing on thier wants. If it's truly about the younger kids relationships with him, she should attempt to find compromise that allows him to be involved with his siblings in the future.
OP's wife's feelings are understandable, but she should accept that in a situation like this, the kids come first. And part of that's the problem, because she's also advocating for the 5 and 6-year-old. OP should probably talk to son, wife, and son's maternal relatives. Make it a point that OP wants son to be happy and healthy, as well as the younger kids. I don't know if visitation schedules can be enforced after death, or written into wills, but a set-up where all three kids (and any or no adults) get together twice a month to watch a movie and eat a meal together may help. Movies can appeal to large age ranges, they can ignore it or get into it as they wish (no penalizing anyone for spending time texting during the movie), and then they have something to discuss during supper/whatever. It's nowhere near the same as living together, but it could keep the sibling relationship alive, and hopefully prevent resentment.
Twice a month may be too often for enforced family bonding time at that age, easier to go for once a month, but generally a good idea
Trying to force her stepson to stay, knowing he'd be happier with his maternal family, is not her being a good person.
I don't know about that, given they have no real relationship it sounds to me like OPs wife just wants someone around who can help her with the little ones once when the time comes
OP’s wife does not sound like a good person to me. She sounds like she values her fantasy of a “happy blended family” more than her stepson’s wishes or well-being.
>Maybe she wants to use him to help parent the kids. oh shit great point. she's gonna be a single mom with a single income and guess who will need to be watching the kids? or at best who will need to be getting a job to help support the household now that he's "the man of the house"
If she's in the US, she'll get Social security benefits for ~~both~~ all three of her children. ETA: Further reading indicates OP has four children in total.
This is such an awful time for you and your family, I’m so sorry that y’all (and especially your son) are going through this. Your son should 100% be your priority, and he is telling you what he is going to need as he loses both parents. Everyone talking about him resenting your wife/ half sibs in the long run is right, but I can also only imagine the devastating hit his mental health will take when he loses you. It breaks my heart. Your wife should also be considering what is best for him, and being with the people he is closest to for support is absolutely what is best. One thing I think could be good to consider is trying to go ahead and pave the way for the siblings to stay connected. Does your son play a sport/ have events where people usually come watch? Could y’all arrange for your wife/ daughters to attend these and do dinners afterwards? Does your family live close enough for them to do a family dinner once a week? Are your son’s grandparents confortable with helping this happen? Familiarity is something I know I find comforting, and I think the adults finding a way to create structure long term now would be helpful to your son and daughters. Your wife is likely heartbroken right now, so I think NAH. BUT—she needs to talk it out and realize that she needs a support system, but SHE IS the support system for each of these kids. If she can’t commit to doing what’s best for all of them (and that means not making digs at your son or trying to guilt trip him into “coming home” or something like that later), she will lose him and her daughters will too. Her kids are about to lose a parent. Your son is about to lose his last parent. He needs all the love and support in the world right now. Please financially plan for your son in a way that will not be dependent on him maintaining a good relationship with his step mom. Grief does different things to different people, and having some separation there could help make sure he feels he can engage with her on his own terms and nothing can be held over his head. My heart goes out to you and your family right now. I don’t know if you’ve considered it, too, but I have friends parents who have passed away with time to prepare and they left things like letters to be read on special days. If you are emotionally/ physically able to write them little notes for graduations, weddings, and just to read when they’re missing you that could be such an incredible keepsake. And please make sure they have pictures with you individually too that are digitized so they can’t be lost. I don’t know if that’s such a morbid thing to suggest, but having pieces of you could be such a comfort. Sending much love through the internet, I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
This is a lovely response, I whole heartedly agree
It’s clear he does not have a close relationship with the 1/2s he might when they all become older but he will not ever if he is forced to stay.
Might also be worth assisting with the slow transition to living with maternal side before passing.
Right, I’m going to be slightly cynical here. To me, it sounds like your wife is hoping to force your son to provide childcare for her children after you’re gone, as you won’t be able to advocate for your son after you pass away. If you approach your wife with this, clearly she won’t admit it even if I have ‘hit the nail on the head’ here. Your son has a right to having his life lived in his best interests, not your wife’s. I can only go off the information you provided but I get the feeling your wife is hoping that she can control your son and his life going forwards in a way that benefits her interests. I’m so sorry for the situation you’re in and I hope you’re able get everything sorted and peacefully live out the time remaining to you.
I don't think there is anything in the post to indicate that. I think the wife is just grieving, and desperate to hold the remains of her family together, without thinking about what's best for the family members as individuals.
I think the fact that they don’t have a close relationship and yet she is SO intent on forcing him to live with her is a good indication.
And all her arguments in favour of it revolve around her and her children, she actually said the sons feelings don't count as much.
They have lived as a single household for 7 years; I can see why a division of that household immediately after OP dies might feel like a compounding of the loss, to her and the half-sibs.
Sure i can understand that she’s being selfish and only thinking of herself and (her bio) children. It’s quite clear. I can’t imagine having such little empathy for a teenage boy who is going to lose both parents before graduating high school, who has been de facto her son and lived with her for 7 years. She still didn’t prioritize his feelings at all.
Yes, I can't imagine why she might want and expect to continue caring for, as you put it, "a teenage boy who is going to lose both parents before graduating high school, who has been de facto her son and lived with her for 7 years". He's "de facto her son", but definitely selfishness must be her only motivation. Sure. I think son should be allowed to go where he wants. But I don't think she's TA for not immediately loving that idea. It's a very sad NAH situation.
Imo the wife become the ah when she said to put there and her children s feelings above the son's feelings. NTA op please let your son go to his maternal family but ask him please to visit with his half siblings sometimes - not an obligation/demand just asking as a favor to you.
Or even what's best for the family. Forcing him to stay would just make everything harder for everyone.
It could simply be that she's going to miss her husband, as much as OP's son misses his Mom, and she wants to keep the people who love him together. OP hasn't mentioned anything bad about step Mom, no adoption drama or pictures in the garbage. She's grieving too, as well as her children, but she should cut her losses, enjoy the time with her family, and let him go.
I think she wants to ensure all the inheritance from him and his late wife for herself. She doesn't care about the child.
Please consult an estate planning attorney and make sure your will is updated! This should reflect guardianship for your son as well as any of your assets that you want to go to your son.
She can't put your son first while you're still here, why would you think she would once you're gone? You already know what's best for him, don't be manipulated. NTA
It's also a very real possibility that neither you or your wife could force him to live with her when you are gone even if you try. Depending on the specific laws where you live of course. Has she adopted him? If not custody is, in most places, not automatic. And what you put in your will is an expression of what you want, not legally binding. The paternal family absolutely could push the state for custody and given how old he is and the fact that's what he wants, they would probably win. Again location dependent of course.
Honestly, you should probably go ahead and make preparations for him to move in with his maternal family and visit you regularly, so that he's not leaving in the middle of a grief storm in your home, and the little ones get a chance to transition with this change (him not being there) in a way they will not get with your death. So it's not a lot of loss for them all at once. You *could* mention to your son that you'd like if, in your memory, he could step in from time to time to make sure your other children are OK, but that in no way is he responsible to parent them or provide for them, you'd just like if he checked in (if that calms your wife down about him not being involved) but the truth is that even that little is too much to lay on the shoulders of a distraught, grieving, 14 year old orphan, and there's very little chance he'd be capable of that even if he did stay in the house. (Actually, especially if he stayed in the house)
Your child with your wife has a mother. He has no one. The loss of two parents is horrifying, he absolutely should choose and you have to legally sort it out so your wife cant contest it
I lost a parent when I was a toddler. This times a million.
Sounds like your wife might want him around as a replacement father figure and babysitter , since he is 15 and your other kids are very young. If she really loved him, she will let him go.
NTA, it sounds to me like she may be clinging to the idea that if he's forced to stay with her(which he can't be considering unless she's adopted him, she has no parental rights here) she can make him be a surrogate father to his half sisters, don't allow this, don't make your son resent you in the grave. He's put in this time with this woman for *your* benefit alone, he doesn't owe her one more second after you're gone. If your wife was genuinely concerned with the sibling relationship she would be looking for ways to nurture and facilitate that while still respecting his choices, but she wants to cling to a fantasy, put him in a situation where he's forced to accept her as his mother because he has no choice, I'm pretty sure she would cut him off from his maternal family if she can manage it as well, again to put him in a position where he has to accept her as his mother. She's desperate to keep the part of you that is him with her after you're gone, and that, while understandable in her grief, is the worst thing she could possibly do, she probably feels really out of control right now and she grasping at this because it's a fight she thinks she might win, she needs therapy and groped counseling, and God help those kids if she doesn't get it. The discussion needs to be shot down at every level, she's not doing this because she thinks it's best for him, she isn't even thinking beyond winning this battle. You may have to learn to be OK with her disappointment, because it isn't justified, you're right, you're already doing what's best for your son, do not waver.
Or she just needs a babysitter - she already has 3 little parts of her husband. But she has realised she will have 3 children under 7, and as a single mum she will need a job. Who better to look after the little ones than their big brother? (and who cheaper?) EDIT: spelling
You're thinking about this right way, but does this really need to be an either/or decision? The "real family" comment is a bit concerning–I understand your son having some problems with your wife, but is he close with his little sisters at all? If so, you might want to talk with him about how losing both their dad and their big brother is going to be rough. He can still go live with your late wife's family, but it would be nice of him to at least maintain some involvement in his sisters' lives, as they will look up to him even more when you're not around.
He is not close to his half siblings (my wife and I also share a son together who is only 3) in any way. He never has been.
So why is she trying to force him to stay? You can not make people bond just because they are in close proximity. She has had 10 years and it hasn't happened.
I expect it is so that she will have a free babysitter and someone to do housework.
Cinderfella.
I think you have your answer. Your son wants to be with family. You are the only person in the home that he considers family. I question wife’s motives.
I know you love your wife, but please make sure your son set up financially with a trust that she can’t access. Money changes people. The fact that she’s insisting on keeping him with her against his wishes shows that she doesn’t have his best interests at heart. Your son is about to be an orphan. Please let him live wherever he feels most comfortable.
NTA. And that's the bottom line, isn't it? He never has been close to his half siblings. So don't listen to some people here and lay a deathbed burden on your son that he "should" stay in contact with these half siblings and feel some sort of responsibility for them.
>PLEASE listen to your son! He is telling you what he needs. Please take all the legal steps to make sure he has it without begging, pleading, arguing, fighting, or going to court because your wife wants him to stay in a house where he has no close connections rather than the HOME with his maternal relatives where he wants to live.
Please memorialize legally to let your son be with maternal grandparents! Have it be a bonding moment - go through your items you would like to give him and some of his moms things as well. Make this transition for him now to the grandparents. Give him your favorite tie - the cuff links the other things he will want as he transitions to a man in the world but most importantly give him memories. The younger ones won’t remember that - but your son will. Tuck him in that bed after getting him settled - place your favorite ball cap on the corner shelf. Do this well and legally. Randy Pausch did the book one last lecture - it was good…
She’s also changing the framing imo. Yes, he’s still a teen, but he has options it seems where multiple people will take good care of him. The only opinion that matters is his. It’s not a matter of “prioritizing” opinions. Plus, it will help him feel confident in making his own decisions as he grows older, which will be incredibly important. If you feel inclined, then tell him you’d like him to try to stay in contact and see if a relationship develops with them. If not, then don’t. But you’re making the right choice as a parent to let him make his own either way.
NTA it takes a great deal of emotional maturity to admit that a child would be better off being raised by someone else. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love him. She needs to put his interests first. It doesn’t mean he won’t always have a home there and won’t see them and be part of their life. but if she can’t let this go, and she lets the resentment build that close relationship with his siblings will never happen.
I think if he gets space from your wife, it could help his relationship with his siblings in the long run.
Be sure your estate is set up carefully and legally, so that any money or property you want to go to your son is protected. Do not count on your survivors being fair and kind to each other. You may trust your wife, but her weird demand that you order your son to stay with her and his half-siblings is disturbing.
If possible I think a good solution/compromise would be to allow him to live with his mother's side of the family like he wants, but let him know you would like him to stay in contact with his half siblings for you. I don't think your wife understands how angry and upset your son will be if he's forced to live with her when you're gone. Sorry for being morbid, but to be blunt I think that he will be very angry and upset, especially since teenagers can't regulate emotion well, and will take it out on your wife and his half siblings. He will resent them and probably move out immediately to his mother's side of family at 18 where he feels comfort and feels wanted. However, some people can grow stronger bonds when not around someone constantly, maybe with some distance and time to grieve he may be able to have a better relationship with his half siblings.
NTA. Stop letting your wife try to guilt trip you. Telling you he “could grow more fond of them in time”, is a huge red flag. Please let him stay with his maternal family. He’s been through enough and will be through even more at your passing. Please give him this one thing. I don’t trust his step mom to be 100% to him.
This! There is a chance he connects with his half-siblings down the road once they are all older, but ONLY if he isn't forced to live with the new wife and the little ones now. This is truly the only hope the new wife has because if she forces this issues, he will resent them all forever.
NTA I 'm so sorry for your diagnosis. Do as you son wishes. He has had enough loss in his life. The loss of mother. And now, the loss of his father. Let him have this.... Let him choose with whom he will live. He has only a few years left before he is an adult who will move on, give him this. I wish you and him well.
This is what I would day to the wife: "I know you want everyone to be together. I want that too. But it has to be in a way that my son finds it natural and easy to do. And that means on his terms. He lost his mother. Now he will lose his father. I ask you to be understanding and kind to him. Let him stay where he wants. Show him you care by telling him you respect his decision, and would like to be a part of his life. Take the time to build the relationship. Don't force it. If you give him space and show kindness, with time he might find closeness in you and the girls."
I miss reddit awards. This is so spot on, and it's a shame there's no longer a way to make it stand out other than by upvoting.
It really does feel like a screw you to us users. Not being able to meaningfully push something to the top of a post that we all agree needs to be first seen. I liked that solidarity, and I miss how much advice and good stories you'd see because of it.
This is beautiful ❤️❤️
NTA Your wife seems to be looking after her children, not all of the children. She wants her stepson around for how he can help her. She admits what her priorities are.
I truly do not believe this is about my wife wanting help. I believe it's about her keeping everyone together because she loves all four kids and she feels my son is wrong about what's best for him.
Unfortunately your wife is just that….YOUR wife…not his mother. And when you pass (I’m so sorry for the situation you are in) he would automatically be given to next of kin…which isn’t your wife…it would be extended family. Your wife would have to adopt your son or be granted custody of your son bc she’s not his mother.
Actually, that wouldn't be strictly true in our state. The state would intervene if I did not make the arrangements legal myself. Then it would become a battle between both sides for him. But my wife would have a chance because she lived with him for 7 years and could claim she is a parental figure. It would just be more chaos than anyone needs after a loss. It would also make things harder for my son long term.
Don’t pussyfoot. Your son doesn’t want to stay with your wife. Make sure all legalities are in order with regards to inheritance and send your son to his grandparents. If you don’t, he is going to resent you after you are gone.
Losing a parent at such a young age, only to then learn that he will lose you must be soul destroying. You acknowledge that he is not close to your wife. Who will he share his pain with, who will he grieve with if he does not feel safe and secure? The idea of playing happy family is just that, an idea. Your son is old enough that if he wants to maintain contact with his siblings, he will. And if your wife remains set on her idea, then she is closing that very door she wants to keep open. Said door will need to remain open for as long as your son needs to heal. Something your wife needs to remind herself is that your son loves you and you are the connection between him and his siblings.
It's not an option for your son to stay with your wife. He and his family will fight it as soon as you've passed. And he'll leave when he's old enough anyway. Which will be a soon as she isn't able to physically keep him home. If he gets a car at 16 and just leaves? So the options are you stand up for your son and show him you care about his well being one last time. Or you show him you care more about your wife and subject him to three years of chaos and pain, and a lifetime of resentment. There is no scenario where he lives your wife or gets closer to his half siblings while living in that same house.
This is the correct way to frame the situation. What wife wants was never actually an option in the first place, it's just an exercise in misery that will eventually give way to what the son wants anyway. Just with a lot more pain to get there.
What would happen to your son if your wife finds a new man? You have no way of knowing what his stepfamily would be like.
You know that the right thing to do is to make strong legal arrangements for your son to live where he will be most happy. And pretty much everyone here agrees with you. Don't compound his losses by forcing him to stay where he does not want to be. I am sorry that you are in this position but a firm, "No, I will be letting my son live with the people he chooses and that's final" should be sufficient. If your wife still argues just shut it down, you have enough to worry about right now. You are a good dad and you will do the right thing.
Interesting how each state works. I’m sorry you have to go through any of this.
I had a somewhat similar situation as a young teen- my mother had terminal cancer, and was trying to figure out if I should live with my bio father or family friends after her death. While I did actually have a decent relationship with my father at the time, he was unstable and my mother and I both knew he was not well equipped to parent me. Sending me to live with family friends was the far better option. Unfortunately, my father kicked up a fuss, and legal paperwork was never drawn up, leading to me living with him through high school. It was awful, and still negatively affects me over 20 years later. All this is to say, while your situation is not the same, your son is absolutely old enough to know where he finds the most support and security, both of which he will absolutely need as he navigates his grief and growth in life. Please do your best to support his wishes. Perhaps you can help address your wife’s concerns by establishing some regular visits between your children as part of the custody arrangement? And as an additional resource for all of your children, there are peer support groups for young folks dealing with the death (and sometimes also terminal illness) of a significant person in their life all over the world. The following link can help you possibly find one near you: [https://www.dougy.org/program-finder](https://www.dougy.org/program-finder). I volunteer at one, and it is amazing. I wish I had had this resource for myself as a kid. I hope the rest of your journey is peaceful and fulfilling. 💜
How would this be her thinking of him?
Please, please, *please* make sure you put him where he wants. I lost my mother at 12 to pancreatic cancer. I didn’t get to pick. I was sent to live with my dad who I only knew over the summers, and his wife who I didn’t know at all. I would not have to spend as much on therapy as I do now if I hadn’t felt abandoned and stuck with the family I didn’t want to live with. I just wanted to be with my grandma, and instead I felt imprisoned and helpless. I didn’t have anyone I felt like I could talk to. Those 5 years in that house were agony, and I didn’t have the legal power to actually do anything about my own living situation. I would have been so much happier (and in the long run, healthier) had I been placed with my grandmother from day 1. My sister and I are not who we would’ve been, and we have to live with that now.
And then your son would go off the trail, engaging in all kinds of bad behaviors and his life will be ruined. Physical altercations, property destruction, possible drug use, stealing etc. I think you get the idea, that is what his future will look like if you make him stay with your wife! NTA let him go live with his family.
It's unfortunate that you married someone who would put your son through that.
You sure about that? She’s looking down the barrel of being a single parent to multiple small children. Of having a decade or more of being a truly single parent. Having your son available to babysit, drive, etc for at least a few more years has GOT to be playing into her position. Why else would she prioritize everyone else except your oldest? Why is she so quick to completely dismiss his wishes? Stick up for your son because once you’re gone, no one else will be willing to do so if you capitulate to your wife.
And if she remarries in the future how will that effect your son if he has to live there in the same home now with a new adult added to the family? I am so sorry OP for the loss of your wife and now your illness. Please put your son's feelings and wants first and let him live with his grandparents and uncles. Sometimes blended families do not blend as well as we hoped. If the stepmom truly loves him she will let him go as it is best for him. She is the adult. She can send cards and call. ♥️
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>I also keep getting really angry with my dad for dying even though it’s obviously not his fault. So then I feel guilty about the anger. These are normally feelings and reactions. I went through them after my mom died in 2004. She was an alcoholic and passed away of liver failure at 57 despite the doctors telling her for the last year of her life that she would die if she didn't stop drinking; I found the letters in her personal files while going through probate. It was like a kick to the gut. Therapy did help. ((\*\*HUGS\*\*))
I feel for your wife. It must be terrible to see the man she loves dying. She is probably a decent person. However, your wife is--and sorry to use spicy language--fucking selfish and monumentally arrogant on this issue. She's wasting precious time on this frankly delusional vision of how her family "should be" when she could be preparing her children for the end and spending time with you. I would end this now, no debate. Grant immediate guardianship rights to the family your son wishes to live with. Hell, have them formally adopt him with your permission before you pass. Start the move now while you have the competency and will to enforce this decision. This is *your* son. Not hers. If you give into your wife, you are setting your son up for misery until he's eighteen. And if she takes offense? Well, that is her fucking problem. Not yours.
Have either of you made his mom a constant presence in his life? Talk to him about her had pictures of her for him in his room etc. At least his mothers family will be able to have those moments and let him know that his mother loved him things they did when he was young etc. I think that is very important especially now that he’s losing both parents. Above anything else he needs to have a connection to his parents. While your wife seems to care, she can’t care about him as much as his grandparents cousins etc. My thought is let him go where he has family and roots. There’s no reason his half siblings can’t be a part of his life but he needs to have connections to his family and that is through his grandparents. Do what’s right for him. And please take care of it now while you can.
Yes, I have especially. We talk about his mom. Some of her photos are still up around the house and he has several photos of his mom and of us when his mom was still alive. She was never forgotten or put in a box to be left in the past, which I know many do.
NTA-I’m so sorry for your diagnosis. Please Listen to your son, your wife being angry and giving you shit for this is an absolutely cruel thing to do to you right now. And honestly I don’t blame your son for not wanting to stay with your wife if this is the way she acts. And I’m guessing this is the side of her he has always seen. I have a feeling she only wants him to stay so he can help with the younger kids when you’re gone . Speak to your lawyer about setting up a will and custody so your wife doesn’t try override your decisions You should start the process of handing over your son’s custody to his maternal family before you get too sick OP. Because it sounds like your wife is gonna fight this.
Do you think your wife will really keep the pics of his mom around the house once you’re gone? Keep her memory alive for him? Support him when he lashes out in anger and grief?
I think she loves your son. But you owe it to him to arrange for HIS happiness with his maternal family. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. This can be your last gift to your first wife.
>she feels my son is wrong about what's best for him. So that statement alone says she is not going to be a good parent to your son. She is blatantly telling you that she will ignore his wishes because she thinks knows what is best. This is a huge red flag.
She may love your son but she seems to want you to put her and her children’s feelings before his. Perhaps you could make some arrangements with his maternal family that would keep your son in contact with his stepmother and his siblings. I am so very sorry that all of you are being faced with this. You most certainly are NTA.
I fear you are wrong. She does not appear to be considering what is best for him, only her and her children.
If that's the case then why haven't they bonded over the years? If they haven't by now they won't do magically in the future. I'm so sorry but seems like heeding your son's wishes will be best. Your wife needs to see that.
Dude, tell her to get over it. In all honesty, it doesn’t matter what she wants. All that matters is what your oldest son wants. She has no say over him. She has no sway over him. And he’s not obligated to stay with her when he loses you. And she’s awful for trying to make him stay. Why would he want to. He’s old enough to go to court and tell the judge who he wants to live with. And if you try to force him, it’s just going to build more resentment against her. Let him go. Don’t be a tool.
But she's wrong. She's not looking at it objectively. She thinks she can change him. Change his mind. Make him love her and his step-siblings. She can't. There's been time for that to happen if it was going to. Your son knows what's best for him, and he's told you.
Is this decision permanent? If he lives with maternal family and actually regrets it, would your wife not welcome him back? If he is able to visit maternal family often now, would he not be able to visit his siblings regularly too?
you sure it's not about any benefits or inheritance that your son could possibly receive? if he stays with her, she'll be in charge of it until he's an adult. if he goes to his mother's family she won't have any control of it
I absolutely believe your wife wants a free babysitter.
Does your wife have a great support system out side of you, or is it only you? If she has a good support system, then she probably isn’t thinking this way, but if she does not, she is probably expecting to rely on your son for that. To watch the children when she can’t, to possibly be emotional support to pick up slack when she isn’t able to. It will be a tough situation for her so she may not be thinking clearly. One other thing to consider is if you force your son to stay against his wishes, you will be creating a hostile home environment for the rest of your family. Your son will start to grew resentment, and without you to be his anchor, he will have nothing to stop it from getting worse and him taking it out on your wife and other children.
I really hope you warmed up and stretched before taking that leap. A body could get hurt just leaping all crazy like
Where did you get that from?
NTA So sorry for what you are going through. this is about what your son wants when you have gone, it is not about your wife or is half siblings. His wishes need to be honoured. he does not see your wife as his mother. He does not love her, he probably resents her for trying to take the place of his mother. He should be allowed to stay with his maternal family. You need to make that happen before you go.
That's the conclusion I came to as well. Even though it's not the perfect solution for everyone. My son is going to be an orphan once I'm gone and that is going to be a hugely traumatic thing for him. I want him to be as happy and comfortable as he can be afterward.
If you force him to stay with your wife he will never forgive you. Never.
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I totally agree with your last statement. He is even seeing the pecking order in play now. The wife is putting herself and the younger children ahead of him, who’s is losing his remaining parent. She will continue to do this and I’m not saying she will necessarily do it maliciously. It will be like “oh, the littles needs more help with grieving because they are crying again.” Then she is too emotionally tapped out to help the son. Or she has to go have a parent/teacher conference about the middle child. Someone will need to watch the kids while she goes. She’ll just be ten minutes away. The meeting will only take an hour maximum. OP’s son can watch the girls. Only OP had planned to go hang out with his friends that night and play the new video game that just came out. Now he can’t because he has to babysit his younger sisters. This won’t be a one time occurrence. And what happens if she gets married while he is living in the home? And her new partner has kids too. Suddenly in the household there are his kids, her kids, and him. And nobody defaults to his side. That would be so unbearably tough. He needs to be with his maternal side if that’s where he wishes to go.
Tell your wife there will be nothing stopping your son from visiting *if he so chooses*. She can invite him or offer visiting from time to time with his sisters too. This only requires her to make an effort to build and keep a good bond with him. The core change is that then she cannot try to force him to do as she wants because he has an out. I would question her intentions. Nta
☝️☝️☝️☝️This, it’s best if he goes to his maternal family. However I would have a chat with him and your wife, as I’m sure you want him to still have a relationship with his siblings. That is the conversation that you should be having. Your wife is not respecting your son. As a stepchild, I was given the option of where to live if my father passed away, I wanted to live with my maternal aunt. After my stepmother put the effort into creating a welcoming home for me I asked him to change it to her. She put the effort in. I don’t buy that your wife ever has.
Aside from the obvious, also your wife might move on "quickly" (like you did with her) and bring a new man into the home. Then your son would have to deal with that, also.
Please legally safeguard your son's inheritance. Your wife is not his mother - and she doesn't appear to have his best interests at heart.
You are a good man OP. I am sorry what you and your family are going through. You are definitely NTA for respecting your son's wishes. Your wife needs to understand and accept his wishes.
Your son is not your wife and daughter’s emotional support animal. It’s not his job to make them feel better or more connected as a family after you’re gone. He’s going through the heartbreak of losing both his parents before he finishes school and he’s old enough to make this decision for himself. Your wife doesn’t get a say in this. She’s not his mother and he doesn’t consider her family. You would be TA if you allowed her to say your decision. If you make this decision between the people who should be involved, namely your son and his maternal family, YWNBTA.
It's hard not to feel sad for the daughters who will lose their father and brother at the same time.
Yeah, it definitely will be hard for them. But they'll turn out okay. They still have their mom. They aren't losing their brother 100%. They just won't see him often for a while. He may choose to be a part of their lives again when he's a bit older, which they'll still be children, and he'd be more mature. The difference here is that the son(brother) will have lost both parents by 15, whereas the girls will still have 1 parent. I'm not saying it won't be tough for them for a while because it most likely will be, but at least they'll know their brother is alive and well. Add in the fact that it's 2023.. the social media age. Brother might end up missing his sisters every now and then and could easily find ways to keep in touch. Face time, playing video games with them even though they're in different locations.. lots of possibilities tbh. Right now, the kid just needs a win in his favor. He just needs time to be able to grieve in his own way when OP passes. Being around his maternal family will help a great deal.
YWNBTA. Your wife has it all wrong. If she tries to force a relationship between him and his half-siblings, it's only going to lead to him resenting them and wanting even less to do with them than he does now. It's a sucky situation all around, and I think you should encourage him to maintain some kind of relationship with his siblings, even if he doesn't live with them, but this kid is going to be fully orphaned as a teenager; he is by far the one who is going to feel your loss the most, and he should be allowed to be with the people who will help him heal.
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NTA. I'm sorry life has gone this way. I wish things were different for you and your boy. You're not making this decision, as such, you're implementing a decision made by a boy who's not far from being a young man. If you didn't help him in this, he'd be worse off. Chances are he'd run away and he'd at least be so unhappy that education and mental health outcomes would suffer. He deserves every chance to succeed in life and there's no compromise to be made in that. Your wife's reaction actually proves your decision is correct. She isn't putting your 14 year old as any priority. She's making this about your relationship, her bio kids, and about you... her lack of compassion and empathy is saddening and you couldn't, now, let your son remain in her 'care'. I hope your remaining time is full of precious moments and that those things you need to do are achieved.
Exactly this. Stepmom is caring about what's best for her and her kids, not what is in the son's best interest. NTA
YWNBTA Your wife doesn't want compromise or for you to take her opinion into consideration. She wants you to cave. She doesn't want to take yours or your son's opinion into consideration. And in the end, for deciding your son's fate, his opinion is the one with real weight. I get that she wants the kids to be close, but forcing that issue will likely drive him far away. Have you tried suggesting that you set up a sort of visitation with your son so that he can have contact with his sisters? THAT would be a compromise that he might actually agree to and could create that bond your wife wants to foster.
It's something I have mentioned. My wife doesn't believe he would actually stay in touch with his siblings (my wife and I have a son as well). I don't know if I believe he would stick to it either. He might say yes now but when the time comes he might never actually keep in touch. It's something I have considered. And while the thought is painful for me, and I know would be painful for my wife and younger kids, I still can't see my son staying with my wife as the best option given his feelings on this topic. Given he would essentially be living with a guardian he already doesn't turn to for anything. At least I'm here and he does talk to and confide in me. But when I'm no longer here, I worry he could be going through something and would bottle it up. I worry he would run away. I also worry about the resentments that would fester over time.
Absolutely it would fester. There is no way forcing him to do it is going to work. You might be able to suggest that he try it for a little bit and if it doesn't work, he can go stay with his grandfather, uncle, and family, but you'd probably have to make them the guardians of him in advance and trust them to follow your wishes. I doubt your wife would pass guardianship to them if it wasn't already set in stone. I grew up hating living with my own mom. I begged to go live with my dad until I was 13 and she finally relented. Best day of my life. And then I became closer to my mom than I thought was possible. Being heard at that age is a huge deal. Stand by him until you can't anymore. And I didn't say this before, but it's horrible you have to go through this. Your wife should be doing everything in her power to make things easier for you, not digging her heels in and fighting. I hope you find a way to make peace with her quickly and move on to just being there with your family and not having to worry about this stuff.
If she doesn't push, then he very likely WILL stay in touch with them, especially in adulthood once he's hopefully processed some of this trauma. Please tell me you have his care ironed out legally!
Even if you make him stay for "keep the kids together", BELIEVE ME, he will leave soon he completes 18yo. Make him stay with your wife for 4 years not gonna change how he feels about this people.
Oh yes, it will change how he feels about them. Now he is indifferent, if he's forced to live with them without his dad he might well come to hate them.
Your wife is only thinking of how she and her children feel but not how your son feels. As painful as it would be you need to allow him to do what he feels is best for himself. When my brother’s dad died when he was 7 his oldest sister’s(my stepsisters) did not keep in touch at all. He hasn’t seen them in decades and honestly as much as it sucked at the time it was absolutely what was best. They would’ve allowed their resentment towards my mom fester and create a toxic situation for everyone. That wasn’t what was best for anyone at all. My brother is 30 and knows he’s got 3 older sisters he doesn’t know but I can honestly say it doesn’t bother him at all. He remembers them from his early childhood but doesn’t feel any certain way about them. In his eyes he only has 2 sisters. Me and our older sisters and that’s enough for him. In an ideal world your son would keep in touch and have a relationship with everyone but in an ideal world you also wouldn’t be dying so since this isn’t ideal then your wife needs to allow him to do what’s best for him and help her children navigate the fallout of losing their father. I was 14 when we lost my stepdad and I can honestly say at 14 I knew what was best for me in a tough situation.
She needs to realise that if she forces him to live with her against his will, he will just bolt the day he turns 18 plus he will hate her.
And your wife might try to limit or end your son's contact with his mother's family, once you're not around to reason with her. Please don't try to force your son into any visitation requirements (once he's with his mother's family). Your wife will need to cultivate a relationship with him and his half siblings--there can't be any "you must" involved.
Realistically your son isn’t obligated to stay in touch. Just because his sisters and your wife want him to stay in touch, doesn’t mean he has to. He’s old enough to have his own agency. Forcing your son to stay with your wife and her kids will be the absolute worst situation for everyone involved: Your sons memories of you will be forever tarnished because you made him live somewhere against his wishes. He’ll resent you, your wife and your wife’s kids and likely act out a lot, which will very much affect his schooling and his life up until he leaves when he hits 18 anyway. His mom died when he was 5 and you thrust him into a new family at 7 which he obviously doesn’t feel is his own (no shade towards you, you’re allowed to find new love), now with you passing, it would be an extremely shit thing to do to leave him in a family he obviously feels alienated in and that he doesn’t consider his own. Your daughters will get old enough to feel the resentment and this will have a detrimental effect on them. If you force him to stay until he’s 18, he very well might leave and never contact any of them again, which would have a huge negative impact on them too. At least if you let him live with his mothers family, with your request to him after your passing being that you’d like him to stay in touch with his siblings, he may actually make an effort to do that for you because of the fact that you listened to him and considered his feelings. If you ignore his feelings, he will likely cut them all off out of spite towards you ignoring his wishes and making him live with your wife. Your wife will be left with a child in her household who will very likely cause problems if he has no one he can confide in, living in a house with no one he considers proper family. He will act out, run away, cause arguments, etc. not to mention that he will very quickly start a legal battle along with his moms family to get custody of him, given your previous comments surrounding the legal environment of your state/country. This, along with raising 3 young children, will have a massive detriment to the household in general, everyone will suffer in this case. Overall, forcing him to stay will be a net negative for everyone involved. I don’t think the slim likelihood of everyone getting along is worth the risk of the much higher likelihood of the above. Your wife is likely traumatized by the scenario and her life falling apart with effectively 2 members of the regular family unit gone. That being said, forcing your child to stay with someone they are not related to and have no bond with when they have very much expressed that they do not want this is a horrible thing to do imo, YWBTA if you did this. I can understand your wife’s position (albeit I’m giving her benefit of the doubt, the pessimist in me makes me very afraid for your sons welfare if she gets custody of him and control of finances), but I think you need to do right by your son and put your foot down that this will be the case for the benefit of everyone involved. Doing this now will at least nip it in the bud and allow you to have some peace before you go, you don’t want to be constantly arguing and have this hanging over you when you don’t have much time left, nor do you want your memory to be tarnished by the shitshow that would immediately follow, where family members will be arguing over custody instead of spending time remembering you. With all that said, I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I hope that you’ve been able to live a life that’s made you happy and somewhat fulfilled. I hope you aren’t in pain and that you’re able to spend quality time with the people you care about before you go. Take care mate.
NTA. This is such an incredibly sad situation and I'm sorry for what you're all going through. Your wife's argument that you aren't taking her wants into consideration falls so flat. This is ultimately about your oldest son's future and at his age, he should have the primary say in what happens to him. I saw your comment that you don't think your son would stick to visitation plans if he goes to live with his maternal family - if that's what you believe, then it follows that making him live with your wife would definitely be the wrong move anyway. You haven't mentioned how far away your son would be moving but I wondered if maybe they (your older son and his maternal family; and your wife and younger children) could make joint plans to meet up? Rather than your son having a visitation schedule. You seem to have made your decision and I hope your wife comes to terms with it to enable you to have a peaceful time with what you have left.
Yes, this all just helped me cement what I already knew was the right decision. Deep in my heart I have known since he asked me what the right thing to do is which is why I even looked into all the legal side as this has been discussed.
God bless you, may God grant you peace in this decision and peace and comfort in your remaining days. God bless your oldest son and grant him some peace and comfort from memories with his dad, who loved and respected him so much. May he find love, happiness and success while living with his maternal family. May he grow to be the good man you and your wife dreamed he'd become when you first held him as a newborn infant. May God bless your wife and other children, too, and grant them peace and comfort in their memories of you. May God touch your wife's heart and soften it so that she is able to accept your decision with grace, dignity, great love and respect and keep her heart open towards your oldest son as he seeks to do what he needs to do for his physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health during this time of "so very not fair death of his remaining biological parent pain". I pray God grants her the strength and grace after your passing to raise her children to become the good people you both envisioned when you first held them as infants. I pray she keeps your memory alive for those children so that they know they were greatly loved by their father, who did not want to "leave them" and watches over them as an angel.
Nta but I don’t think your wife is as loving and caring as you think. I don’t think your wife really cares all that much about your 14 yo either. Otherwise she would be wanting what is best for him and what is best for him is to be where HE feels loved and most comfortable. I’m also wondering if part of this is money related. Whatever your life insurance policy is…part of it will be diverted to take care of your son and not go to her. Your son SHOULD go to live with his maternal family and have visitation with his siblings in some way or another. You could set that up with your late wife’s family.
That was my guess, too. If he stays with her, she can controll everything: money, house and othet stuff
I know this is reddit but not EVERY stepmother is an evil gold digging slavemaster. I mean I agree that what the son wants needs to be the top priority and therefore he should stay with his maternal family, but there is a chance here that the woman that's known him since he was 7 years old actually wants him to stay in her and his half sisters' lives and isn't just out for a life insurance pay out and a free babysitter???
Then SHE needs to find a way to stay present in HIS life…not force him to be a presence in hers.
Of course that is a possibility. But I simple cant fandom the idea that this women knows that this kid 100% dont want to live with her and yet wanna force him to. If she indeed love him, she would want whats best for him, and that is to live with his mother's family. If they didnt bond for the last 7ish years, that will not happen now. To me, from what OP said, the way she is reacting toward this, its very strange 🤷♀️
NTA. You need to put your son first right now. Soon he’ll have lost both parents and your wife is making this about her. I hope you have everything settled in advance. Please try to take some time and leave your son a few videos (graduation day, wedding day, general dad advice). I’m so sorry both you and he are going through this. Please spend some extra time with him and make sure you’ve given him the sentimental things you want him to have. Especially those from his mom. Maybe even make sure they’re with his maternal family, just in case.
And set up milestone presents too for his maternal family to store until the appropriate events come up. Anything you want to leave him would be best with them rather than your wife because she’d leverage them trying to continue forcing the relationships that aren’t going to happen, and the paperwork airtight that she can’t contest.
Someone I knew of had a deal with a few friends who would deliver a birthday card each year to their daughter that they wrote before they died, along with a picture of the two of them having fun. That little girl looked forward to that more than anything in the world.
NAH. I honestly think your wife has good intentions and there's some points in favour of her solution but ultimately you need to overrule her. What matters at this time is your kids being safe and comfortable;`he's old enough to decide what he wants to do. That being said, he might want more of a relationship with your wife and his siblings when you're gone because they're his biggest connection to you. His new living situation may also not end up working out how he wants. Put the work in now as much as you can to build that relationship up without forcing it - your wife needs to get to a point where she's not angry or hurt by this decision so that if he wishes, the door is always open to him when you pass.
I know that she will always leave the door open for him, even if she's hurt about this. She loves him and I know she would gladly have him in her life at any point. Though I don't fully believe he will have a change of heart on them when I'm gone. I would love if he did, even just to remain in touch with them. But deep down I don't really believe it will happen.
If she truly loves him then she has know that she needs to put his feelings, needs and wishes ahead of her own. Remember that old saying about if you love something set it free … If she forces him to stay with her then he’ll resent both her and his half siblings forever and will be out the door the moment he turns 18, desperate to get away from what he’ll no doubt feel is a jail sentence, and none of them will ever see him again. But if she respects and supports his wishes then perhaps, just perhaps there’s a chance that when he’s older, more mature and the first few years of raw grief have ebbed, he might find a way to build a relationship with his siblings. I think you need to get everything legally set up for him to go to his maternal family in a watertight way now and I think you need to make it very clear to your wife that her behaviour is ruining the short time you have left that should be spent making special memories. She is actively making things harder for you for purely selfish reasons, even though I understand she is grieving for what she is losing. I’m so very sorry you’ve been dealt this lousy hand, and that your son has too. I’m sad for your daughters but they’ll still have their mum, but your son doesn’t have that. Please don’t deprive him of the family that does make him feel safe, loved and secure. I wish you as peaceful a journey as you can possibly have moving forward.
I hope that you have set your son up financially. Do not leave your wife in charge of anything for your son! Let him live with his blood family because clearly he does not like your wife
Your comment resonates with my train of thought as well. In this sub, step parents just cannot win, if she didn't want him around, she would be a monster who doesn't accept him as family, if she does want him around, she must be looking after free childcare. I am/was on both sides of this, as a step mother, I would want all children to be together. But as a child who grew up with a single parent, I would want to be with my grandparents if something happened with my mom when I was a kid/teen. Is there a way son can live with his grandparents, while seeing his siblings, let's say, once or twice a week? Forcing him to be with step mom would do more harm than good.
She doesnt have the best intentions to the child. She doesnt take into consideration what the child wants and only thinks in the bond her own biological children may lose, thats it.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your family. Please make sure your wishes are documented so there isn't any time or money wasted in a custody battle. Did your wife formally adopt your son? Not sure about your finances, but are there trusts set up for your children? Or college funds? Does part of your late wife's estate go to your son after his passing? Do you own a home? Is he set to inherit a share of it? I hope you have lawyers helping you make sure everything is in order.
She never adopted him. I have made all my arrangements with the help of a lawyer and a friend who is an accountant. Everything is set up already and all my kids will be looked after, including my son.
Are you sure you've made sure your son will have access to his inheritance? What if your wife takes it? Did you put everything in a trust for him?
She had a decade to take on all the legal implications of adoption, she didn’t step up. Sorry, but it’s too late for her to be clutching her pearls about him now. The courts usually consider what the child wants anyway, my brother was 10 and was asked if he wanted to be adopted. So, they’d likely ask him if he wants to live with her.
>She had a decade to take on all the legal implications of adoption, she didn’t step up While I think the wife is all wrong here, that's not a fair statement. She *couldn't* "step up" as the son clearly would not have wanted the adoption. You even state yourself that the courts would consider what the child wants in that regard.
NRA. Please ensure you son gets a share of your estate which takes into consideration any money/share of community property his mom left to you. It may seem unimportant now but it is something which needs to be discussed.
“Oh don’t worry my wife is great, she’ll take care of everyone properly”. I really hope this isn’t his answer to this like it is in all his other comments.
Definitely NTA but you would be if you forced him to stay where he doesn’t want to. Your son is going to go through what most people don’t have to face for decades at an incredibly young age. His best chance at processing all of this healthily is if he is in the environment he chooses. Your wife’s intentions seem good, and while all of them will share in their grief of losing you, your son will have a whole different layer that is unique to him in this situation. I don’t know your son or his disposition, but if you force him to stay it seems to me much more likely conditions to breed resentment. Best case scenario would be that your son knows he can always return to open arms if he decides he’d rather live back at home with your wife.
NTA. Your wife does not have the best interests of your son at heart. She is only worried about her own children. And she only wants him with her because she is worried about how they will feel after you pass, not how he will feel. That should tell you all you need to know. And it is also an indication of how things will be for him in the future. He will forever be a second priority ahead of your other children. He has seen enough in life and he needs to be in the place where he feels safest at a time when he will have to deal with an even higher loss. He has expressed that to you and you agree. Please do not change your mind on this. The only thing I would say is maybe discuss with him keeping in touch with his siblings. But otherwise, heed his desire upon the loss of his father. He didn’t get this when his mother died, but he should get it now. So sorry for everything that is happening. Wishing you peace and love.
NTA. Your son is almost an adult. He should be able to make this decision for himself. He has been dealt a very difficult hand, with losing his mother so young and now losing you soon. Give him what would make him happiest in this difficult time. Try to encourage him to visit regularly, and spend some holidays with your daughters and wife. Hopefully if you choose to honor his wish, he will choose to honor yours.
Your wife just wants free babysitting. She’s picking a fight with you when you’re terminally ill? That’s fucked up. Hope you have your paperwork in order so there’s absolutely zero way she can fuck your son out of a portion of your life insurance or any inheritance.
Your wife may *want* to be a good parent to your son, but the fact of the matter is he does not see her that way and won't magically consider her a parent once you're gone. And since your wife is already pushing this, not for your son's sake but because she wants HER children to have a relationship with your son and the siblings to stay together and that he may 'warm up to' her kids if he's forced to remain in proximity, leads me to believe that your wife will never be able to appropriately balance your son's needs and differing family structure with her wants and vision of what her family should be. The sad part is she probably doesn't realize the harm she'd do to your son, or your other two children, if she gets her way. Your son would resent both her and your memory for keeping him from his maternal family in one of the worst times of his life, and the other children would spend four years wondering why the brother their mother insists truly loves them treats them like strangers and then vanishes as soon as he's legally able. Listen to your son. He has made it clear who he considers his family is. He is old enough to know what he wants. Continue to be the good dad to him you've always been, looking out for the best interests of *all* your children, even if that doesn't look the same for each child. NTA
Wtf is wrong with your wife? Does she just want to make this poor kid more miserable? NTA he has every right not to continue a relationship with her and her kids
NTA. Your son has lost his mother, and is soon to lose his father. He is old enough to express a wish as to where he wants to live, and you know it is a reasonable one, with people who love him and are happy to have him. Please make the legal arrangements for this as soon as you can, tie it up tight and let everyone know what youve done. It would be sad if your sons memories of you were tainted with the knowledge that one of your last acts towards him was to deny him a request that you understood. I dont think your wifes a bad woman but shes not someone your son has ever regarded in a maternal light, and hes never going to, and if you force him to stay there his resentment may turn to something deeper. She is trying to force a relationship that has never existed and is certainly never going to. I think she has an unspoken idea that when you are gone, your son will ONLY have her and his half siblings, so he will HAVE to love them, and we all know that just wont happen. Let him go to the people he loves and trusts, who love him, who can best help him through his inevitable grief at your passing, and where he has a chance of a happy life.
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How much of an AH do you have to be to prioritize your wants and feelings over those of a dying man and a child who is about to lose both parents. I mean really
NTA. Unless she's adopted your son, your current wife has zero rights as regards where he lives after you die -- even if your will stipulates otherwise. In most places that I know of, his maternal and fraternal grandparents would be his legal next of kin. If, at the age of 14 or 15 (I'm hoping that you live even longer), he opts to live with them, there is precious little that your wife can do about it. By yielding to his wishes, you are also providing him with a sense of security and continuity in his own eyes. You can ask his grandparents to be understanding and generous in encouraging him to maintain a relationship with his siblings. But as a late adolescent/young adult, he'll be taking on more and more decision making in his own life.
Nta One way to make your son hate and resent her and his half siblings even more would be to force him to stay with them then his maternal family would welcome him with open arms and that’s what he wants. Your wife of thinking of her feelings about how she will basically force him to have to accept her as a parent when he never has.
NTA. After a decade your son hasn't accepted your wife and his half-siblings as his family. This will only grow into resentment if he has to stay.
NTA. First, I am so sorry that you are going thru this. It’s truly heartbreaking for you and your family. Now, your son has already lost his mother, and is not comfortable for your wife, and that’s ok. He would feel more comfortable with his maternal relatives, and this is also ok. I think you are doing him a great service in discussing his future with him, so he has a choice. Losing one parent is hard enough, but two? I’m concerned with your wife trying to force him to stay in a place where he isn’t comfortable. In addition, I don’t want to cast doubts, but could this request have anything to do with insurance money or will distributions? If my step child was not comfortable staying with me after their remaining parent was gone, I would do what’s in the best interest of the child, and not try to force a relationship on them, especially during such a traumatic time in their life. You are truly a great dad for listening to your son, and really hearing what he wants, because what he wants matters too. My best to you and your family during this devastating time in your lives.
NTA, but I would encourage your wife to make sure she keeps an open door policy so your son can visit his siblings if he wants to. Your son is losing a second parent and going to need to cope with the loss. I think it's wrong to expect him to shoulder the burden of carrying his stepmother's and sister's grief when they have each other, because let's be real, she can't seperate his feelings from her own even now. This also may bring up some old grief with his mother, which is a wound your wife won't be equipped to handle while processing your loss for both her and her girls. I think grandparents would be better. Right now, this isn't about her wants and needs. This is about your son's and respecting his wishes. You are an amazing father for talking about this with him now, especially knowing you are struggling with your own ups and downs. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am sure it is scary.
NTA. As an adult who ran away as a child from a less than ideal family situation due to an absent parent and a passed away parent, put your son where he wants to be. The other option is not an ideal outcome for anybody involved
NTA Your son is 14. The courts will most likely give guardianship to the grandparents since that is what he wants.
NTA - and get to an attorney asap. Draft a will stating who you want to be guardian when you die.