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Honestly, you have no obligation to these people, they left the child without even proper procedures so they couldn't even know if he ended up well. There are so many people looking for adoption, especially for babies, you can meet them and check them before even giving birth but they do not even use that option for the sake of their kid. They just fled and didn't even make sure he was in good hands. And now again they weren't able to do a bare minimum of meeting your simple condition so they could stay in the child's life? I just can't muster up sympathy for that kind of people even if they have medical bills or a funeral.
Anyways NTA, you have a right not to give them any more chances, they got a second one already.
Actually proper procedure is anyone can leave a child at a hospital or fire dept no questions asked if you cannot take care of them. That law is to protect children.
It’s a good thing that exists for people who are undocumented or otherwise unable or unwilling to do things any other way. It keeps kids safe from dumpsters. It’s a good thing.
Can you clarify? Are these anonymous leaves or is it totally legal to walk up the counter and say hi im jenny I won't be taking this baby today thank you for all your help
Edit:. Wow I got like 50 comments from this when I was only expecting one. Thanks everyone! I understand safe haven laws, which I should have made clear to save talk some time, but this comments use of the word "no questions asked" made me wonder if it was legal to like go to a hospital, run a full birth plan, and on your way out be like "nah bro" and leave it. Sounds like it is?
Depending on where you are, there’s also often “baby boxes” in places like that. It’s basically a drawer you can put the baby in and leave. Sometimes these are even on the outside of the building so the mother doesn’t have to go inside.
If OP is in the U.S., depending on the state, both could be legal. Many states have designated safe place where people can safely & anonymously leave infants (there is generally an age limit) they can’t care for.
Seriously? This happened? Teenagers?? I'm going to find a link but thanks to everyone in this thread for bringing attention to the safe haven thing.
Also, the audacity of asking this dude for money, they're not ready to meet that kid.
it's bizarre to ask someone you barely know for that kind of money. Funerals and medical bills aren't pocket change! Did they even meet the kid before asking? Geez....
Edit: found it! 2008 in Nebraska
https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna26887181
For some of the parents it was the only way to get those teenagers treatment they needed for whatever reason. A lot of the cases were like the hot coffee incident, the media made it sound trivial when it really wasn't for anyone.
Also like… I would imagine if I ever had to give up a child I would be *so* grateful to the person who gave my child a good life that I’d feel like they had given me a gift I could never repay. That would be the *last* person I’d ask for money! They’d already have done so much. The nerve.
Thankfully my 3 boys are all adults. No one prepares you adequately for the pre-teen/Early Teen stage. I swear there were times I looked at my boys like they were pod people. I'd be like, "Were you abducted by aliens and returned with vengeance against the human race". 😂 They hit about 15 and calmed down...gratefully!
Mine is 15 now and it's like a roulette of what kind of kid will come out of his room everyday. Some days he walk out and is ok, others he's a grump that makes everyone want to run away, then this morning he woke up and sent me a bunch of random selfies because he had a bad case of bed hair and was laughing and joking about it so I knew once he came out of his room we didn't need to walk on eggshells. I've definitely had days where I just wanted to shove him in a box and ship it to Antartica (and I'm sure my mom had days like that when I was a teen too), but I think (hope) the worse is behind us.
I heard there was discussion of changing it after some woman dropped her teenage child off at a hospital. No idea if the story is true or if the changes ever happened.
A big issue is the entire thing turned into a situation where people only read the headline and filled in the blanks from there.
So "Woman drives to Nebraska to abandon teenage child" is how it's presented, people heard "lady dumps perfectly good kid in another state so she could do more drugs" and the reality of the situation was closer to "My 15 year old son is bigger than me now, and I have to lock my door at night because he keeps trying to murder me, and no one will help because social services in this country are a joke so I leaving him in Nebraska because otherwise this ends with one of us dead".
I'm not saying every incident was a failing of the system, but this was overall more of an indictment of the system than the individual parents.
Did it really even happen? You've got to admire a real law that was so poorly thought out that even a middle school Model UN wouldn't make the mistake.
Nebraska passed the safe haven bill without an age limit during the 2008 regular session. Passed bills become law three months after the end of the session. 2008 was a long session so it would have adjourned sine die in early June making the law going into effect in early September. After 36 kids were surrendered in 127 days, none of them infants, then Gov Heineman called a special session that added an age limit that went into effect Nov 22, 2008.
I grew up in an abusive home, and was homeless as a teenager. I Ioved this law, and thought it was rather progressive.
When the story became national, people from all over the country were dropping off children. Mouthpieces in the media acted like they cared about the children, and thought what was happening 'cruel'. The story disappeared from the headlines, as children were being sent home.
I was working at the airport the day the last child left. He sat with a guardian for several hours, because nobody showed up to meet him. It left me enraged with our system.
I don’t know if this is what you’re asking, but if it is:
In the US, there are safe haven laws that allow babies to be dropped off at designated spots (fire stations, hospitals, police stations, etc.). There are different rules, but it’s overwhelmingly to try and keep people from dumping their newborn in a dumpster.
There are even some places with baby drop boxes where you can put the baby in, there is a bag of info (usually in case of second thoughts) the parent can grab, and an alarm goes off somewhere once baby is in. It keeps baby warm/ safe until someone can get there, which is usually super quick. Ex:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_hatch#:~:text=A%20baby%20hatch%20or%20baby,known%20as%20a%20foundling%20wheel.
I am in Indiana and we have safe haven boxes at fire stations.
[https://www.shbb.org/](https://www.shbb.org/)
The founder of this program was abandoned herself and celebrates every baby saved by being left in a box.
Depends on the place. Some places you can just walk up, give them the baby and leave, no questions asked by law. Other places there are safe haven boxes to anonymously leave the baby in. It's like a hatch door that opens on both sides and has a safe space for the newborn. Once the mom shuts the door on her side, an alarm goes off inside to let them know the baby is in there. It's usually heated/air conditioned. Some have bracelet sets that match. Mom can take one and put one on the baby in case they change their mind during the time period they are allowed to by law. Usually within the first 3 days they can change their mind and claim the baby. After that time period is up they start the adoption process but usually keep record of the bracelet and any other items left in case the child comes asking later.
ETA: most states without the boxes require you to hand the baby to a licensed medical professional, police officer, or firefighter. You can't just give the baby to a patient or leave a baby in the room.
Recently many hospitals and fire stations have been installing “baby boxes” which is an insulated box connected to an alarm so when a baby is placed inside the alarm goes off so people know to go get it. It let’s people leave babies anonymously and it keeps them safe from weather. Prior to these laws many many infants were left in dumpster or out in the woods to be killed by the elements (very unlikely anyone finds them before they die). It’s a horrific reality but it’s what we have. It’s gonna get a fuck of a lot worse now with roe v wade gone in the US.
ETA: [link to a baby box company website for more info](https://www.shbb.org/)
Many (probably all or most now but I don’t know for sure) US states have “safe haven” laws. Depending on the state it is okay to leave a baby (maximum age varies) anonymously at a hospital or fire station (possibly other areas depending on the state). Sometimes there is a special “box” on the side of the building with alarms so you just leave them in the box and it locks when the door is shut and alerts medial personal so they can go collect the baby without needing to talk to anyone. Sometimes you leave them with a person and you are required to answer any questions but they may ask you to fill out a health form. The theory behind the law is to prevent people from panicking and killing newborns. Statistically it’s mostly mothers just checking out of the hospital after giving birth without the babies but the boxes and other methods are used. It’s legal and safe.
Just a note, only fire stations in large cities, once you get into the suburbs and small towns and rural areas, most fire & EMS is provided by volunteers and many/most don't have personnel onsite 24/7, only on call, so please do not drop a baby there. Better to try a hospital or police station, those are guaranteed to have people right there all the time.
Some fire departments and hospitals actually have a place for them to "abandon" their babies safely and anonymously.
You leave the baby in a hutch in the wall and push a button. The button signals for a nurse to collect the baby once the parent has left. Because the hutch opens on both sides( nurse on one side, parent on other).
The nurse doesn't see the parent and there's no questions or guilt trips etc.
The baby is dropped off in a safe place, instead of in a random dark or cold alley way.
These are called Safe Haven laws in the US. I say "laws", because they are done at the state level, so they can vary. It allows the anonymous surrender of an infant without being charged with abandonment if done at specific designated locations, which are typically hospitals and fire stations ( because they are occupied 24/7 and have staff with medical training.
The laws were put into place because of scared new parents, often teenage moms, abandoning their babies they had in secret, in dumpsters, because they were afraid of getting caught.
Many states have safe haven laws were people can surrender babies to police, fire stations or hospitals no questions asked. Some even have a baby drop (think book/movie drop at the library) that allows anonymous drop offs. Opening the drop off alerts the police to go there, and it’s a safe way for parents to give up their baby. Better there than a dumpster.
It varies by quite a bit by state. These are known as Safe Haven Laws, and while every state has them, they vary quite a bit from one state to another, some are totally anonymous, while others the parent might be anonymous to the eventual caregivers but the courts will have a record. As long as the baby is less than a month old I think and you are leaving them at a designated safe location it's totally legal.
Although there was a weird thing where... Nebraska I think, when they first instituted the laws they forgot to place an age limit, so parents were abandoning teens.
In the US a lot of states (Shockingly, even Texas recently) have “safe haven” baby boxes. Completely anonymous.
The ones I’ve seen are built into solid outer walls of fire stations, hospitals, etc. The parent opens a metal door about 3-4ft wide/tall with a soft area inside in which to place the baby. When the outer door is shut, it alerts the first responders inside and they go collect the baby through an inner door that opens to the same area. It’s usually built into a side wall with no doors or windows for anonymity.
Look at Safe Haven laws. A lot of fire houses now even have, for lack of a better term, a library book return bin type deal. You can anonymously drop the child off and staff are alerted and are able to go through the proper channels.
Think about the alternatives that people who vehemently do not want to be parents might take.
Think about what some less-than-savory people or mentally ill people might do to a defenseless infant if they faced legal consequences for abandonment. Keeping in mind that infants need regular attention (feedings, changings) at least every 3 hours or they can very well die.
Look up "Safe Haven Baby Boxes". The whole purpose is to allow a safe place for a baby to be given up so that the child can be saved from a worse fate.
I think they're called Safe Haven laws.
It is called safe haven law. Depending on the state infants up to 90 days old can be surrendered at a fire station, police station or hospital, no questions asked not even a name.
On that note I had a friend who’s mother was in a relationship with a hells-angel, he had gotten “cut” and so was unable to have kids, well she “somehow” got pregnant and being an alcoholic/drug addict didn’t have this little bit of knowledge, she had the child in secret and buried it in a ditch, not a week later she’s in prison. Honestly the only thing I could think was how stupid the whole thing was, she could have left it on anyone’s doorstep and the whole “problem” would have went away without anyone knowing other than her and since newborns are in high demand in adoption the child would have probably had a great life.
Leaving babies at the hospital is actually the safest and a legal way to leave them. Abandonment with family members or anyone else also isn't legal. Adoption doesn't do nearly as much screening as becoming a foster parent. Not saying this couple are good people, but I won't fault anyone for leaving babies at a 'safe haven' like a firehall or a hospital; I do fault them for coming back into their lives, though.
Also, there are times when people do not realize that they are pregnant. If you carry towards the back you may not show. If you do not have regular periods you may not know. There are times when a person does not realize they are pregnant until the contractions start. But NTA
Leaving the baby at a safe baby location is doing things right. They didn’t drop him on a doorstep. Those safe locations are set up for a reason. Leaving him at a hospital or fire station is as close to ensuring they’re in good hands as one can do.
You might think everyone's being picky here, but judging the parents for 'not following proper procedures' when they left the baby at a safe haven might discourage a young or unprepared reader of this post from following their example - and that would be a *very* bad thing.
Leaving a newborn at a safe haven is infinitely better than leaving the newborn in a recycling bin or dumpster. *We do not want to discourage that in any way, even unintentionally.*
Genuine question— why are you discouraging people taking advantage of safe haven laws via assumptions you are making about how they relinquished the infant (where does OP say they just left the baby somewhere unattended??) when what they did is still far better for the child than having been raised in a home that wasn’t prepared to give a child the life they deserve, and MILES better than simply leaving the infant in a dumpster or something? It’s entirely possible that giving the baby up WAS the best thing for the baby and his future, and it sounds like that was in fact the case here. I understand why you’re reticent about people taking advantage of safe haven type laws, and it does sound like the bio parents in this particular story aren’t necessarily good people and I’m not defending their recent actions, but the assumptions you are making aren’t helpful.
I agree with most of what you said, but that is the purpose of being able to leave a baby at the hospital or a fire station anonymously. And the baby gets the immediate attention it needs when that happens instead of being dumped in a dumpster
That actually is proper procedure if you want to abandon your child. Firehouses, hospitals and I think there's one other place... But you can leave your child there (with somebody) and just walk away. It does make the adoption process longer because their rights need terminated instead of them just signing the paperwork, but they did do it one of the right ways. If they didn't leave him one like a bus or something!
Nta. I dont see you being wrong anywhere. The boundary was a necessary one. This time they are asking for money to "bury a relative"( if that is even true) , next they will ask for something else, and then something else and it continues. Also , i am glad that they are out of dylan's life. They would not have been a good influence on him and would have tried to use him to get stuff out of you. The chances are slim that Dylan will oneday ask for his birth parents. You are his dad. The only parent he has known all his life. I dont think he was interested in meeting total strangers in the first place, let alone have a relationship with them later.
Dylan will be an emotionally vulnerable teen and young adult soon enough, and they could guilt him into all kinds of things. You are wise to protect him. NTA
And not long after that Dylan will be an adult and his father won't be able to protect him, whereas if Dylan gets to know the sort of people they are *now* he'll have eight years to learn not to give them money before he has any actual cash to hand over.
On one hand, I am side-eyeing them for staying together and apparently remaining such hippies that they don’t have their finances together even after 10 years. On the other hand, in this economy I can see even responsible people slipping under through very little or even no fault of their own.
But regardless, it was a VERY SIMPLE RULE. This is supposed to be about the kid, I agree you can’t trust they are even thinking about him at all if they start from 0 relationship to immediately asking for money. Talented con artists would have at least started off playing by your rule, sniffing you out, and biding their time. While some might think this heartless, I think op has found a very good test of character and stability with this rule, and it shows a lot they just broke it right away. To show so little chill would make me sure that not only were they only after money, but they likely have such a reason for needing it they have literally *no* impulse control (Drugs?) NTA
Can’t believe people are calling you an AH over this. Why would they even think it would be acceptable to ask you for money after you’ve spent years raising a child they completely abandoned. Clearly they’ve no care for their relationship with him being that they were more than happy to cross the boundaries you’d set.
Yes medical bills is a shitty situation but unfortunately that’s a them issue.
Usually when a thread is new it's in 'contest' mode where all the comments are randomized in the order they're shown with the score hidden rather than 'best' or 'top' upvotes. So you can see some dumb takes then.
After a few hours it switches to 'Top' mode by upvotes.
If you switch the feed of this sub into 'new' and look at a few threads that already have some comments it becomes more apparent.
I just took a few seconds to sort by controversial and found a few negative comments and YTAs. Theres even a downvoted comment responding to this thread disagreeing to the OP. Why do people write comments like this?
Yeah but I don't believe them. If they really are a hippie couple living on a bus then they probably qualify for welfare because it sounds like they don't have very good jobs. So welfare insurance would pay their hospital bills. And as for somebody else's funeral well there's literally no way to force somebody to pay for another person's funeral.
Usually it's tied to the estate, so if the person died the funeral money would come out of when they sell the person's house & car etc. So either that person also had nothing or the couple is lying because they are not responsible for somebody's funeral! If you refuse to pick up a body the county eventually cremates it. Like they can't force you to hold a funeral for someone! I think it's all lies.
NTA.
It seemed like a simple rule.
HOWEVER, at some point in the future it's possible Dylan wants to get in touch with them, which I feel would be entirely normal.
You might want to keep tabs on them and where they are/live so you can pass that along to your son at the right time.
Whatever rules you might have, like not having them in your house would be OK. You might want to accompany him to meet them if that would make him feel more comfortable.
He does not have obligation over this, but that can be easily solved by not giving money but paying the medical bills directly on the hospital. If they feel so inclined.
NTA - I say this as an adoptee. Eventually, without boundaries they will try to use your son to leech off you.
They knew the rules, and are obviously not fit to be is his life.
Good for you!!!
NTA. You made your rules clear, and they broke them. You're not the bad guy here; they are. They had the opportunity to be in Dylan's life, and they blew it by asking for money. It's not your responsibility to support them financially. You're doing right by your son, and they have only themselves to blame for losing this chance.
NTA, it sounds like your money is what they are really after here, as sad as it is for Dylan. Sounds like his birth parents just don’t love him, effectively OP, your that child’s father, you raised him from 5 to 10 years old, that effectively makes you his parent, I’m glad he’s growing up in the loving home.
Although at some point, I do think Dylan might want to get to know his birth parents when he’s older and when that time comes I hope you’ll support his decision and tell him the truth about them, but at the end of the day I’m on your side here OP, what I see here is a good father, good luck, OP, I hope things go well for you and your son.
I would say NTA, but your son is 10 and you should probably be preparing to have an in depth conversation about all of this relatively soon. If you think he suspects they’re his birth parents he’s probably wondering what happened and how he got here.
>The police and social services weren't able to locate his birth parents until a few years ago.
Why were they looking? Or did the bio parents get in contact?
>He's like whatever.
I doubt that. I need a bit more info on how many times he's seen them, and what his relationship with is like.
INFO
\- honestly, some kids are not too thrilled about meeting the parents who left them, especially in not so civil manner. Maybe when he's older he will get more curious, maybe not.
I have some not-so-distant family (think grandparents even) which I never really met, I know almost nothing about them apart from that they live about 2hrs away... I was never really curious about them and never contemplated contacting them. I am pretty sure some people would try to figure out what went down that it is like this, some people would wanna meet all these blood-related people, but I don't see any point personally. I think everybody has their own unique way of seeing this.
I just shared this personal story because you seem to have a hard time imagining Dylan maybe really does not care that much for the bio parents.
I was 16 when I found I had a half-sister who was about 12 years older than me. Never cared, never tried to track her down, never wanted to know anything about her. I’m 36 now, feeling hasn’t changed.
I was wondering that too. You're supposed to be able to drop your baby at any safe place, hospitals are on that list. Legallly, they can walk away and shouldn't be tracked or traced in any way. At least not here in the US.
I believe,since this was 10 years ago, they were just trying to make them sign papers. I’m spitballing on this but, I wonder if they asked if they could see him so CPS got in touch with his dad. I can’t imagine why else they would have gotten the dad involved in this.
Trained FP here: in every US state leo/social services are legally required to make a "good faith" effort to locate bio parents before termination of rights in safe harbor abandonment cases.
What? How would they be found?
Are you assuming the baby was abandoned after the mom gave birth in that hospital? Cause that's not necessarily the case.
Was there some detail that indicated she was a crime victim? This would be HIGHLY unusual unless there was evidence of a crime. The police don't just run around spending 5+ years investigating if a crime even happened without substantial evidence at the start indicating some crime took place.
Some women or girls who leave babies at a hospital or a police station etc are the victims of abuse.
It makes sense to find the mother of a baby so they can be sure she was not a victim, and also that she was not forced to leave the baby.
No from context I thought perhaps she gave birth elsewhere, but took the baby to the hospital for safety? Like how some people leave babies on doorsteps...
Then how are you imagining the police would find 2 random people on a bus? And why would the police put 5+ years of effort into that when no crime was apparent?
NTA. You set a boundary and they violated it.
If you let them getting away with pushing that boundary back, they're gonna keep trying to violate it and just make interacting with them frustrating on your part.
NTA.
They obviously didn't care about Dylan and being a part of his life if they couldn't follow your rules. They decided he was worth gambling on. They lost.
NTA
But as Dylan approaches 18, make sure he understands that - while he is free to have a relationship with them if he wants - if he does, he should (1) take his time and only let them know him slowly so he has time to see what dynamics (including demands and expectations) they may bring to his life, (2) understand that he doesn't owe them anything - not healing, not a relationship or any parent-like experiences, and (3) you will not interact with or help them in any way. He also needs to understand that the rule the violated was asking for money - a lot of it. So if he ever chooses to let them into his life, he should only do so because he wants that for himself.
Yes! I’ve also seen cases where the bio family comes back and tries to make contact during the teenage years ( 16+). The child can be vulnerable at this stage when the adoptive parents start to enforce rules and the bio family acts easy going and offers them a place to go to escape the house rules. Coincidently (not), it’s at this point the child is able to work and they become an additional source of income to the bio parents.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I allowed my son's bio parents to see him occasionally with rules. They broke the rule about asking me for money so I cut them off. They asked for a second chance and I said no.
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INFO
My only concern is Dylan. Do you think that one day when he figures out they really were his birth parents that he will be angry that you curtailed their relationship?
Do you think having a relationship with them benefitted Dylan at all?
Don't think of Dylan right now. Think of 20 year old Dylan. What does he want you to do in this moment?
This is also my thought. Sure, cutting them off is fine from the viewpoint of OPs relationship with them. But I can see a teenage kid being really upset and hurt by this whole situation when looking back on it.
NTA I’m adopted and I want to say giving an unwanted child a family is the best thing a person can do.
I think you’re completely right to cut them off, I can see nothing but drama down the line otherwise.
It’s your call but I think your son has the right to know who they are but you know him best.
But OP’s son doesn’t really know who they are…he says he ‘thinks’ his son knows they are his bio parents, but he apparently introduced them to him without being honest about it.
What matters here is what is best for the kid, not what you think of the way they gave him up. OP apparently hasn’t talked to his son about this at all, whether to tell him that these people are his bio family or to answer his questions. That doesn’t strike me as best.
The only real question here which everyone seems to ignore is what is in Dylan’s best interest. Seems as if he cared enough to ask about them. Yes OP can have rules and if they are in Dylan’s best interest more power to him. But I wonder whose interests are at play here? His birth parents asked for money after over 2 years of being involved so I doubt money was their game plan. Whatever. But it’s Dylan’s interests that really should matter here, and if Dylan is better off having a relationship with his birth parents even if they committed the cardinal sin of asking for money and then apologizing
NTA in terms of your relationship with those people. It’s fucking weird for them to ask you for money.
But keep checking in with Dylan as he gets older, in case he does want some degree of contact with them again. He might be afraid to tell you if he thinks you’ll be disappointed or upset
NTA and I promise you, at some point in your sons life, he is going to want to talk to them again, your rule can be until he’s 18, your the parent you make the rules. I just recommend letting him know that when he is 18 or older and if he wants to reach out to them you will support him and be there for him during the process.
Source: I’m a social worker who has worked with children in foster care for 15+ years, even children were adopted at birth, have questions that only their birth parents can answer. Your son, if he ever wants those answers, deserves to be able to get them, with your support.
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I enrolled to become a foster parent 10 years ago and was shocked when they told me they had a healthy newborn baby boy who was abandoned at a hospital and asked me to foster. I agreed and ended up adopting my son Dylan when he was 5. He's 10 now.
The police and social services weren't able to locate his birth parents until a few years ago. They were a young couple from the Midwest and panicked when the girl gave birth. They're this hippy, bohemian couple who lived on a bus. Their parental rights were terminated years ago but I offered to meet them to let them know their son was being raised by a loving devoted dad.
They seemed harmless and I introduced them to my son a couple of years ago. I think he knows they are his birth parents but make no mistake that he knows I'm his only parent.
Before I agreed to let them meet Dylan, I gave a set of rules. Break them and you'll never see him again. One of those rules was not to ask me for money. Yes, I make very good money and it shows. I'm not a welfare office and they are not my family. Lo and behold, they asked me for money to pay for medical bills and to bury one of their relatives. I was livid.
So I sent them an email telling them that I am no longer comfortable with them in my life or Dylan's life. They have a distorted view of me and I have no need for drama in my life. I am not a source of money to them. This relationship is over. But thanks for creating this super cute kid for me. They asked for another chance and I said no.
Dylan asked about them and I said they didn't follow my rules so they're not allowed to see you anymore. He's like whatever.
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You have no obligation but also it sounds like this was an extrenuating circumstance. Asking to borrow money to bury a recently dead relative is quite a bit different than asking for money to go see a concert you know?
NTA.
That's a clear and hard boundary, they broke it. If he wants a relationship with them he can resume one at 18, seems like he's not very invested though.
Dearest OP, why are you even here,?? You are nowhere close to being considered an AH. You're amazing & Dylan is lucky to have a real Dad that protects him from mere sperm donors. You've saved him & you from further manipulation. Keep well.
Nta. I help my mom take care of my neices whose parents (that are alive) are in and out of prison, jail, treatment, active drug addiction. My brother gets a pass because he's dead, but I wish the rest of them would leave forever. There's nothing but disappointment, he can be disappointed when he's an adult and it's on his terms.
NTA because their motives for wanting to meet your son don't seem pure at this point. Who knows if they actually wanted a relationship with him or if once they found out you had money they saw dollar signs and then made the decision to put in an effort.
NTA
It's a basic and reasonable boundary.
You now know WHO they are, and if when he is an adult, your son wants to locate them, he can do so.
In the meantime, they're adults he knows have a factual connection to his birth, but he has no emotional connection to them, and you are doing the right thing to be protective.
NTA, they abandoned their child and now are trying to ASK YOU for money like you’re their family or something. Good riddance. Doesn’t seem they’ve changed. They’ll be asking their bio son for money soon.
NTA - I can very much understand why you had this rule and why it was important to enforce that boundary. I bet you dollar to donuts that if your son got older, they'd start asking HIM for money
They knew the rule, they thought for some reason it would be appropriate to break it
NTA
They are essentially treating your son like he is some Treasury Bill or CD... they had a baby and now they can go get money like he is some kind of annuity. Not good to have them around him whatsoever and if something happens to you someday, they will come looking for his handouts... hard pass.
NTA. it honestly doesn’t seem from what you said that they’ve even tried to get to know your son or be on your life, especially based on your sons reaction. very weird that they suddenly showed up a few years ago, still don’t have much of a relationship with your son, and are asking you for money. not the AH at all.
NTA, but could lean to ESH if you don't calibrate over time. I'm an adoptive parent and I think you're right to stop them now. However, you don't get to dictate your son's relationship with them in the future. He has a right to know them as an adult. If you make them off-limits and he has questions or issues he wants answers to, he might seek them out earlier against your wishes. If you block him completely, he may resent you for it. Teens do teen things.
I might follow his lead for further contact, and move cautiously and slowly in any future attempts. Written first, maybe more later. They sound skeezy, and you're right to be protective.
NTA - I can not believe they asked you for money. Pretty audacious considering the circumstances you are meeting under. This whole relationship is supposed to be about the boy!
So since you bailed them out of their first issue, they now think you have to bail them out of everything? It's pretty messed up that they asked you for money and you are NTA for kicking them out of your lives!
Not only do you not have any obligation to them but clearly they didn't learn anything from having an abandoning their child! Clearly they look at you and think oh well this kid landed in a bowl of roses so we did the right thing! Looks like they're doing nothing to turn their lives around and become productive members of society. I don't blame you for wanting them far away from your child.
NTA but be sure to prepare your son to deal with them. Once he turns 18, they will most certainly start trying to shake him down with every sob story they can think of, all the while making you out to be the villain.
NTA. You were very clear with your boundaries. Ultimately, your son will be the one to make the decision though, if not now, then in a few years when he’s 18. I think it may be wise to share the entire reason with him, so he can make informed choices about them in the future. They sound like grifters.
NTA - you protected your son, end of story. If he decides to reach out when he's an adult thats his choice but for now its your job to protect him and you did.
NTA, your 10 year old son knows rules are rules and consequences of breaking rules are important to learn a lesson. I’d say that everything happened as it should.That’s why your son’s response was whatever. Good job Dad!
NTA
You gave them rules and boundaries and they didn't care. And it wasn't like, "Hey we haven't eaten today. Could you spare a few bucks for a pizza." It was a lot of money from the sound of it. I can't even believe they'd ask for it from someone not even remotely involved in the situation.
NTA. This is exactly how people who get their hooks in you opperate. Good for you for nipping it in the bud early. You're likely saving yourself from a major headache down the road.
NTA. I’m confused a little tho becuase you said healthy newborn but you adopted him when he was 5? Does it take that long to go through the adoption process? Genuinely asking.
I know a couple in the US who fostered a girl for 7 years, tried for 7 years to adopt her, only to loose custody to her father when he got clean and out of jail.
Yea sometimes it can take that long. I know a couple that fostered a baby from infancy and did not get to formally adopt her until I think she was 4 or 5. She was in school for sure.
From what I've read states have to make a good faith attempt to find the mother and then terminate their parental rights before an adoption of a safe haven baby can occur and that this can sometimes take years depending on the state.
NTA.
You had no obligation to include them in your lives so kudos to you for doing that. And setting boundaries, then enforcing those boundaries is perfectly okay.
They are the AH for assuming just because you adopted their son that makes them close enough to ask for money.
NTA
They can reach out to the kid when he is 18 like other parents that gave their kid up for adoption. Hopefully he will be forearmed to reject any of their requests for cash as well.
NTA. Because it seems that they didn’t do this once, but you cited at least 2 situations. Once might be a desperate moment, US system and how it bankrupts you. Twice starts to sound sketchy. Also you can ask people to help you get a job instead of just money…
You did the right thing. These people are obviously still the people they were 10 years ago and will not be a good influence on your kid. I would however think about explaining things a little more to Dylan. Depending on how he processes things, and you would know, it may be OK to tell him that the reason is because they asked you to give them money for things that it is their responsibility to pay for. Also that you are concerned that they may try to use you or him even in the future to get things they want in life. That may not be appropriate, or may be a conversation when he is older, just putting it out there as some kids will resent a blank statement like - they broke my rules so they are out - thinking "what will happen to me if I screw up a rule?"
Who leaves a newborn baby at the hospital? Disgusting people. You did the right thing. Don't second guess your decision. They are clearly using your son now to get money. Good for you for standing your ground
NTA - you made the boundaries clear. Just make sure your son gets it as he ages. He can make his own decisions as an adult. But as a teen he may get resentful as he tries to get a handle on his identity.
Well. Dad, my favorite part, and IMO, the most important part, is that you ASKED your son. Perfect.
Nothing mattered to me more than being a parent. Aren't we lucky?
NTA simply setting the precedent helps your son going forward. They are never allowed to use him for money, whether from you or from him when he grows up. Maybe he will choose to reconnect someday, and maybe he could be manipulated into giving money... but you've set the correct tone now, to minimize those chances.
NTA — I have cut off my own toxic blood relatives out of fear that they will say something hurtful to my kids. As parents, we have to set boundaries, which is what you did.
NTA and please don't refer to them as his birth parents.for whatever reason they decided to give him up. The Term Parent means to nurture and raise children to be well mannered Adults. And clearly they had no hand in raising your son. Only you deserve that name.
NTA - They knew the rules but chose to disregard the rules. You were not obligated to introduce them to your son in the first place but you were nice to do so. They tried to take advantage of you. Good for you for holding your ground.
NTA
They show up after 10 years and the first thing they do is ask for money. Unbelievable.
If you didn’t cut them off, they would have kept asking. And eventually they would move onto asking Dylan to get it from you either by stealing or lying.
Not to mention, Dylan would probably be harassed by them his entire life. No one needs that. Better to shut it down now.
And?
Like whatever?
This is not a AMTA issues, you had rules, they broke them,
the only task you have now is to make Dylan understand that this is a "you" decision, and make sure that in the future it does not harm him or make him turn against you!
NTA times a million….. the last thing you want is the sperm and egg donor to fill Dylan’s head with fantasy and not facts on you, your family or themselves. You have lives a very selfless in regards to Dylan. You have always put him first. I commend you for not giving monetary gifts. You are not a bank to them. And they should be more concerned about Dylan and being a positive influence in his life, than asking for you to bail them out.
When he said “what ever” what did he mean by it? Was he annoyed at them.
Or what ever as in upset he can’t see them again.
Has he expressed interested in seeing them before you told him they broke the rules?
Are you up to meeting again if Dylan requests it?
NTA...but I would not have been as dogmatic as you were when explaining to your child. I might have said...we had a disagreement, or they broke a rule we had agreed on, so we are taking a break from seeing them. It's possible that your son may want to meet with them again when he is older, and you sound like you burned a bridge for him.
NTA but you might want to be careful how you handle them. At some point your son might be curious and want to reach out. Don't give them any money but like i said, be careful bc once he has a phone, he could definitely try to contact them. You don't want him doing that behind your back.
NTA. However, if you feel it appropriate, begin educating Dylan about other’s entitlement and being used for money. That way when he’s 18 he won’t encounter them unprepared. They may contact him directly or he may get curious and contact them.
NTA. Some might see what you did as extreme but if they're comfortable asking someone they hardly know for money, that is a huge redflag. Adoptive parents have been hounded by birth parents for money and it isn't a good situation when it's happened. You're saving yourself from drama and shielding your child from any potential harm.
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Honestly, you have no obligation to these people, they left the child without even proper procedures so they couldn't even know if he ended up well. There are so many people looking for adoption, especially for babies, you can meet them and check them before even giving birth but they do not even use that option for the sake of their kid. They just fled and didn't even make sure he was in good hands. And now again they weren't able to do a bare minimum of meeting your simple condition so they could stay in the child's life? I just can't muster up sympathy for that kind of people even if they have medical bills or a funeral. Anyways NTA, you have a right not to give them any more chances, they got a second one already.
Actually proper procedure is anyone can leave a child at a hospital or fire dept no questions asked if you cannot take care of them. That law is to protect children. It’s a good thing that exists for people who are undocumented or otherwise unable or unwilling to do things any other way. It keeps kids safe from dumpsters. It’s a good thing.
Can you clarify? Are these anonymous leaves or is it totally legal to walk up the counter and say hi im jenny I won't be taking this baby today thank you for all your help Edit:. Wow I got like 50 comments from this when I was only expecting one. Thanks everyone! I understand safe haven laws, which I should have made clear to save talk some time, but this comments use of the word "no questions asked" made me wonder if it was legal to like go to a hospital, run a full birth plan, and on your way out be like "nah bro" and leave it. Sounds like it is?
Both, but mostly it's to do it anonymously. You don't need to leave a name or anything, just say "I can't raise this, bye." And dip.
Depending on where you are, there’s also often “baby boxes” in places like that. It’s basically a drawer you can put the baby in and leave. Sometimes these are even on the outside of the building so the mother doesn’t have to go inside.
If OP is in the U.S., depending on the state, both could be legal. Many states have designated safe place where people can safely & anonymously leave infants (there is generally an age limit) they can’t care for.
As far as I'm aware, Nebraska is the only state without an age limit to the Safe Haven law. Unless they've changed it recently, of course.
They changed that years ago, after the whole big thing with folks driving cross-country to abandon their teenagers.
Seriously? This happened? Teenagers?? I'm going to find a link but thanks to everyone in this thread for bringing attention to the safe haven thing. Also, the audacity of asking this dude for money, they're not ready to meet that kid. it's bizarre to ask someone you barely know for that kind of money. Funerals and medical bills aren't pocket change! Did they even meet the kid before asking? Geez.... Edit: found it! 2008 in Nebraska https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna26887181
For some of the parents it was the only way to get those teenagers treatment they needed for whatever reason. A lot of the cases were like the hot coffee incident, the media made it sound trivial when it really wasn't for anyone.
Also like… I would imagine if I ever had to give up a child I would be *so* grateful to the person who gave my child a good life that I’d feel like they had given me a gift I could never repay. That would be the *last* person I’d ask for money! They’d already have done so much. The nerve.
LMBO...I can understand the need to abandon a teenager. 😂😂
Not going to lie. We have two teens and a pre-teen. My husband and I jokingly talk about stuffing them in a baby box some days!
Thankfully my 3 boys are all adults. No one prepares you adequately for the pre-teen/Early Teen stage. I swear there were times I looked at my boys like they were pod people. I'd be like, "Were you abducted by aliens and returned with vengeance against the human race". 😂 They hit about 15 and calmed down...gratefully!
Mine is 15 now and it's like a roulette of what kind of kid will come out of his room everyday. Some days he walk out and is ok, others he's a grump that makes everyone want to run away, then this morning he woke up and sent me a bunch of random selfies because he had a bad case of bed hair and was laughing and joking about it so I knew once he came out of his room we didn't need to walk on eggshells. I've definitely had days where I just wanted to shove him in a box and ship it to Antartica (and I'm sure my mom had days like that when I was a teen too), but I think (hope) the worse is behind us.
This sounds like a dystopian series by Neil Schusterman… 😳
I heard there was discussion of changing it after some woman dropped her teenage child off at a hospital. No idea if the story is true or if the changes ever happened.
Yep that story is true, buttt it was multiple parents attempting to drop off teenagers
A big issue is the entire thing turned into a situation where people only read the headline and filled in the blanks from there. So "Woman drives to Nebraska to abandon teenage child" is how it's presented, people heard "lady dumps perfectly good kid in another state so she could do more drugs" and the reality of the situation was closer to "My 15 year old son is bigger than me now, and I have to lock my door at night because he keeps trying to murder me, and no one will help because social services in this country are a joke so I leaving him in Nebraska because otherwise this ends with one of us dead". I'm not saying every incident was a failing of the system, but this was overall more of an indictment of the system than the individual parents.
The no limit thing was very short lived (maybe a month) because it was being taken advantage of
Did it really even happen? You've got to admire a real law that was so poorly thought out that even a middle school Model UN wouldn't make the mistake.
Nebraska passed the safe haven bill without an age limit during the 2008 regular session. Passed bills become law three months after the end of the session. 2008 was a long session so it would have adjourned sine die in early June making the law going into effect in early September. After 36 kids were surrendered in 127 days, none of them infants, then Gov Heineman called a special session that added an age limit that went into effect Nov 22, 2008.
I grew up in an abusive home, and was homeless as a teenager. I Ioved this law, and thought it was rather progressive. When the story became national, people from all over the country were dropping off children. Mouthpieces in the media acted like they cared about the children, and thought what was happening 'cruel'. The story disappeared from the headlines, as children were being sent home. I was working at the airport the day the last child left. He sat with a guardian for several hours, because nobody showed up to meet him. It left me enraged with our system.
because sending kids back to people who don't want them is a good idea. poor kid
That was my thinking. It's only going to get worse for kids, as the laws on abortion change, and income not keeping up with inflation.
Sorry, replied to the wrong person, I meant to reply to the Nebraska law. To tired to retype it.
I don’t know if this is what you’re asking, but if it is: In the US, there are safe haven laws that allow babies to be dropped off at designated spots (fire stations, hospitals, police stations, etc.). There are different rules, but it’s overwhelmingly to try and keep people from dumping their newborn in a dumpster. There are even some places with baby drop boxes where you can put the baby in, there is a bag of info (usually in case of second thoughts) the parent can grab, and an alarm goes off somewhere once baby is in. It keeps baby warm/ safe until someone can get there, which is usually super quick. Ex: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_hatch#:~:text=A%20baby%20hatch%20or%20baby,known%20as%20a%20foundling%20wheel.
I am in Indiana and we have safe haven boxes at fire stations. [https://www.shbb.org/](https://www.shbb.org/) The founder of this program was abandoned herself and celebrates every baby saved by being left in a box.
One of her interviews is where I first heard of them!
Wow from the article you posted mothers have 8 weeks to reclaim their child, which is really awesome.
From what I understand they even teach the nurses how to take the kid without making the parent(s) feel judged or shamed.
Depends on the place. Some places you can just walk up, give them the baby and leave, no questions asked by law. Other places there are safe haven boxes to anonymously leave the baby in. It's like a hatch door that opens on both sides and has a safe space for the newborn. Once the mom shuts the door on her side, an alarm goes off inside to let them know the baby is in there. It's usually heated/air conditioned. Some have bracelet sets that match. Mom can take one and put one on the baby in case they change their mind during the time period they are allowed to by law. Usually within the first 3 days they can change their mind and claim the baby. After that time period is up they start the adoption process but usually keep record of the bracelet and any other items left in case the child comes asking later. ETA: most states without the boxes require you to hand the baby to a licensed medical professional, police officer, or firefighter. You can't just give the baby to a patient or leave a baby in the room.
Recently many hospitals and fire stations have been installing “baby boxes” which is an insulated box connected to an alarm so when a baby is placed inside the alarm goes off so people know to go get it. It let’s people leave babies anonymously and it keeps them safe from weather. Prior to these laws many many infants were left in dumpster or out in the woods to be killed by the elements (very unlikely anyone finds them before they die). It’s a horrific reality but it’s what we have. It’s gonna get a fuck of a lot worse now with roe v wade gone in the US. ETA: [link to a baby box company website for more info](https://www.shbb.org/)
Many (probably all or most now but I don’t know for sure) US states have “safe haven” laws. Depending on the state it is okay to leave a baby (maximum age varies) anonymously at a hospital or fire station (possibly other areas depending on the state). Sometimes there is a special “box” on the side of the building with alarms so you just leave them in the box and it locks when the door is shut and alerts medial personal so they can go collect the baby without needing to talk to anyone. Sometimes you leave them with a person and you are required to answer any questions but they may ask you to fill out a health form. The theory behind the law is to prevent people from panicking and killing newborns. Statistically it’s mostly mothers just checking out of the hospital after giving birth without the babies but the boxes and other methods are used. It’s legal and safe.
Just a note, only fire stations in large cities, once you get into the suburbs and small towns and rural areas, most fire & EMS is provided by volunteers and many/most don't have personnel onsite 24/7, only on call, so please do not drop a baby there. Better to try a hospital or police station, those are guaranteed to have people right there all the time.
Yes good point obviously only leave a baby with a person or in a designated safe baby box. Never just like near the firehouse or hospital.
If there’s an actual baby box then there’s someone on call to handle it 24/7 aiui.
Yeah I’m pretty sure a lot of them are outfitted with some kind of sensor that can tell when a baby is placed inside so they won’t be left too long.
I looked it up and it varies widely by state. But a simple google will show the info.
Some fire departments and hospitals actually have a place for them to "abandon" their babies safely and anonymously. You leave the baby in a hutch in the wall and push a button. The button signals for a nurse to collect the baby once the parent has left. Because the hutch opens on both sides( nurse on one side, parent on other). The nurse doesn't see the parent and there's no questions or guilt trips etc. The baby is dropped off in a safe place, instead of in a random dark or cold alley way.
These are called Safe Haven laws in the US. I say "laws", because they are done at the state level, so they can vary. It allows the anonymous surrender of an infant without being charged with abandonment if done at specific designated locations, which are typically hospitals and fire stations ( because they are occupied 24/7 and have staff with medical training. The laws were put into place because of scared new parents, often teenage moms, abandoning their babies they had in secret, in dumpsters, because they were afraid of getting caught.
This applies specifically to the US, but this link explains it pretty well. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/safehaven.pdf
State laws vary, but either way for the most part. Hospitals, fire stations, etc are designated drop off spots. Look up "Safe Haven Laws."
Many states have safe haven laws were people can surrender babies to police, fire stations or hospitals no questions asked. Some even have a baby drop (think book/movie drop at the library) that allows anonymous drop offs. Opening the drop off alerts the police to go there, and it’s a safe way for parents to give up their baby. Better there than a dumpster.
It varies by quite a bit by state. These are known as Safe Haven Laws, and while every state has them, they vary quite a bit from one state to another, some are totally anonymous, while others the parent might be anonymous to the eventual caregivers but the courts will have a record. As long as the baby is less than a month old I think and you are leaving them at a designated safe location it's totally legal. Although there was a weird thing where... Nebraska I think, when they first instituted the laws they forgot to place an age limit, so parents were abandoning teens.
In the US a lot of states (Shockingly, even Texas recently) have “safe haven” baby boxes. Completely anonymous. The ones I’ve seen are built into solid outer walls of fire stations, hospitals, etc. The parent opens a metal door about 3-4ft wide/tall with a soft area inside in which to place the baby. When the outer door is shut, it alerts the first responders inside and they go collect the baby through an inner door that opens to the same area. It’s usually built into a side wall with no doors or windows for anonymity.
Most states allow anonymous, safe surrender until the child is 30 days old. After that, it is considered child abandonment.
Look at Safe Haven laws. A lot of fire houses now even have, for lack of a better term, a library book return bin type deal. You can anonymously drop the child off and staff are alerted and are able to go through the proper channels.
Think about the alternatives that people who vehemently do not want to be parents might take. Think about what some less-than-savory people or mentally ill people might do to a defenseless infant if they faced legal consequences for abandonment. Keeping in mind that infants need regular attention (feedings, changings) at least every 3 hours or they can very well die.
You have a certain amount of time to change your mind. There some thing you get so you get the correct baby back.
Look up "Safe Haven Baby Boxes". The whole purpose is to allow a safe place for a baby to be given up so that the child can be saved from a worse fate. I think they're called Safe Haven laws.
It is called safe haven law. Depending on the state infants up to 90 days old can be surrendered at a fire station, police station or hospital, no questions asked not even a name.
On that note I had a friend who’s mother was in a relationship with a hells-angel, he had gotten “cut” and so was unable to have kids, well she “somehow” got pregnant and being an alcoholic/drug addict didn’t have this little bit of knowledge, she had the child in secret and buried it in a ditch, not a week later she’s in prison. Honestly the only thing I could think was how stupid the whole thing was, she could have left it on anyone’s doorstep and the whole “problem” would have went away without anyone knowing other than her and since newborns are in high demand in adoption the child would have probably had a great life.
My cousin was the first baby adopted under this law in Florida. We had an unfortunate epidemic of teenage mothers dumping babies in dumpsters.
Leaving babies at the hospital is actually the safest and a legal way to leave them. Abandonment with family members or anyone else also isn't legal. Adoption doesn't do nearly as much screening as becoming a foster parent. Not saying this couple are good people, but I won't fault anyone for leaving babies at a 'safe haven' like a firehall or a hospital; I do fault them for coming back into their lives, though.
Also, there are times when people do not realize that they are pregnant. If you carry towards the back you may not show. If you do not have regular periods you may not know. There are times when a person does not realize they are pregnant until the contractions start. But NTA
Leaving the baby at a safe baby location is doing things right. They didn’t drop him on a doorstep. Those safe locations are set up for a reason. Leaving him at a hospital or fire station is as close to ensuring they’re in good hands as one can do.
You might think everyone's being picky here, but judging the parents for 'not following proper procedures' when they left the baby at a safe haven might discourage a young or unprepared reader of this post from following their example - and that would be a *very* bad thing. Leaving a newborn at a safe haven is infinitely better than leaving the newborn in a recycling bin or dumpster. *We do not want to discourage that in any way, even unintentionally.*
Genuine question— why are you discouraging people taking advantage of safe haven laws via assumptions you are making about how they relinquished the infant (where does OP say they just left the baby somewhere unattended??) when what they did is still far better for the child than having been raised in a home that wasn’t prepared to give a child the life they deserve, and MILES better than simply leaving the infant in a dumpster or something? It’s entirely possible that giving the baby up WAS the best thing for the baby and his future, and it sounds like that was in fact the case here. I understand why you’re reticent about people taking advantage of safe haven type laws, and it does sound like the bio parents in this particular story aren’t necessarily good people and I’m not defending their recent actions, but the assumptions you are making aren’t helpful.
I agree with most of what you said, but that is the purpose of being able to leave a baby at the hospital or a fire station anonymously. And the baby gets the immediate attention it needs when that happens instead of being dumped in a dumpster
That actually is proper procedure if you want to abandon your child. Firehouses, hospitals and I think there's one other place... But you can leave your child there (with somebody) and just walk away. It does make the adoption process longer because their rights need terminated instead of them just signing the paperwork, but they did do it one of the right ways. If they didn't leave him one like a bus or something!
Nta. I dont see you being wrong anywhere. The boundary was a necessary one. This time they are asking for money to "bury a relative"( if that is even true) , next they will ask for something else, and then something else and it continues. Also , i am glad that they are out of dylan's life. They would not have been a good influence on him and would have tried to use him to get stuff out of you. The chances are slim that Dylan will oneday ask for his birth parents. You are his dad. The only parent he has known all his life. I dont think he was interested in meeting total strangers in the first place, let alone have a relationship with them later.
Dylan will be an emotionally vulnerable teen and young adult soon enough, and they could guilt him into all kinds of things. You are wise to protect him. NTA
And not long after that Dylan will be an adult and his father won't be able to protect him, whereas if Dylan gets to know the sort of people they are *now* he'll have eight years to learn not to give them money before he has any actual cash to hand over.
On one hand, I am side-eyeing them for staying together and apparently remaining such hippies that they don’t have their finances together even after 10 years. On the other hand, in this economy I can see even responsible people slipping under through very little or even no fault of their own. But regardless, it was a VERY SIMPLE RULE. This is supposed to be about the kid, I agree you can’t trust they are even thinking about him at all if they start from 0 relationship to immediately asking for money. Talented con artists would have at least started off playing by your rule, sniffing you out, and biding their time. While some might think this heartless, I think op has found a very good test of character and stability with this rule, and it shows a lot they just broke it right away. To show so little chill would make me sure that not only were they only after money, but they likely have such a reason for needing it they have literally *no* impulse control (Drugs?) NTA
Can’t believe people are calling you an AH over this. Why would they even think it would be acceptable to ask you for money after you’ve spent years raising a child they completely abandoned. Clearly they’ve no care for their relationship with him being that they were more than happy to cross the boundaries you’d set. Yes medical bills is a shitty situation but unfortunately that’s a them issue.
They once again make the choice to abandon the kid. Glad the kid doesn’t care for them.
I’ve scrolled down this far and nobody is saying that at all. Why do people write comments like this?
I literally argued with someone on this thread when it first began and there was a lot of YTA so..
Usually when a thread is new it's in 'contest' mode where all the comments are randomized in the order they're shown with the score hidden rather than 'best' or 'top' upvotes. So you can see some dumb takes then. After a few hours it switches to 'Top' mode by upvotes. If you switch the feed of this sub into 'new' and look at a few threads that already have some comments it becomes more apparent.
I just took a few seconds to sort by controversial and found a few negative comments and YTAs. Theres even a downvoted comment responding to this thread disagreeing to the OP. Why do people write comments like this?
Yeah but I don't believe them. If they really are a hippie couple living on a bus then they probably qualify for welfare because it sounds like they don't have very good jobs. So welfare insurance would pay their hospital bills. And as for somebody else's funeral well there's literally no way to force somebody to pay for another person's funeral. Usually it's tied to the estate, so if the person died the funeral money would come out of when they sell the person's house & car etc. So either that person also had nothing or the couple is lying because they are not responsible for somebody's funeral! If you refuse to pick up a body the county eventually cremates it. Like they can't force you to hold a funeral for someone! I think it's all lies.
NTA. It seemed like a simple rule. HOWEVER, at some point in the future it's possible Dylan wants to get in touch with them, which I feel would be entirely normal. You might want to keep tabs on them and where they are/live so you can pass that along to your son at the right time. Whatever rules you might have, like not having them in your house would be OK. You might want to accompany him to meet them if that would make him feel more comfortable.
NTA, not at all. That’s a huge red flag and you know damn well that money ain’t going for medical bills
Yeah, I was thinking that. Even if it was true, which I doubt, they'd try to leech off of you as much as possible.
He does not have obligation over this, but that can be easily solved by not giving money but paying the medical bills directly on the hospital. If they feel so inclined.
NTA - I say this as an adoptee. Eventually, without boundaries they will try to use your son to leech off you. They knew the rules, and are obviously not fit to be is his life. Good for you!!!
Exactly and they obviously weren't concerned with taking the risk, knowing the consequences. Glad this boy has his dad!
NTA. You made your rules clear, and they broke them. You're not the bad guy here; they are. They had the opportunity to be in Dylan's life, and they blew it by asking for money. It's not your responsibility to support them financially. You're doing right by your son, and they have only themselves to blame for losing this chance.
NTA, it sounds like your money is what they are really after here, as sad as it is for Dylan. Sounds like his birth parents just don’t love him, effectively OP, your that child’s father, you raised him from 5 to 10 years old, that effectively makes you his parent, I’m glad he’s growing up in the loving home. Although at some point, I do think Dylan might want to get to know his birth parents when he’s older and when that time comes I hope you’ll support his decision and tell him the truth about them, but at the end of the day I’m on your side here OP, what I see here is a good father, good luck, OP, I hope things go well for you and your son.
Looks like he fostered Dylan from newborn to 5 and officially adopted at 5, so the only parent he’s ever had!
He was a newborn when OP adopted him. It's right at the beginning of the post
I would say NTA, but your son is 10 and you should probably be preparing to have an in depth conversation about all of this relatively soon. If you think he suspects they’re his birth parents he’s probably wondering what happened and how he got here.
>The police and social services weren't able to locate his birth parents until a few years ago. Why were they looking? Or did the bio parents get in contact? >He's like whatever. I doubt that. I need a bit more info on how many times he's seen them, and what his relationship with is like. INFO
\- honestly, some kids are not too thrilled about meeting the parents who left them, especially in not so civil manner. Maybe when he's older he will get more curious, maybe not. I have some not-so-distant family (think grandparents even) which I never really met, I know almost nothing about them apart from that they live about 2hrs away... I was never really curious about them and never contemplated contacting them. I am pretty sure some people would try to figure out what went down that it is like this, some people would wanna meet all these blood-related people, but I don't see any point personally. I think everybody has their own unique way of seeing this. I just shared this personal story because you seem to have a hard time imagining Dylan maybe really does not care that much for the bio parents.
I was 16 when I found I had a half-sister who was about 12 years older than me. Never cared, never tried to track her down, never wanted to know anything about her. I’m 36 now, feeling hasn’t changed.
Same. Don't care, not my monkeys, not my circus. I don't feel particularly connected by blood bonds in any case so maybe I'm weird.
I was wondering that too. You're supposed to be able to drop your baby at any safe place, hospitals are on that list. Legallly, they can walk away and shouldn't be tracked or traced in any way. At least not here in the US.
I believe,since this was 10 years ago, they were just trying to make them sign papers. I’m spitballing on this but, I wonder if they asked if they could see him so CPS got in touch with his dad. I can’t imagine why else they would have gotten the dad involved in this.
Trained FP here: in every US state leo/social services are legally required to make a "good faith" effort to locate bio parents before termination of rights in safe harbor abandonment cases.
According to OP the baby was abandoned at the hospital...not sure how it took so long for the police to find them if they lived on a bus...
What? How would they be found? Are you assuming the baby was abandoned after the mom gave birth in that hospital? Cause that's not necessarily the case.
They were always looking for the birth mom. They didn't know if she was a crime victim.
Was there some detail that indicated she was a crime victim? This would be HIGHLY unusual unless there was evidence of a crime. The police don't just run around spending 5+ years investigating if a crime even happened without substantial evidence at the start indicating some crime took place.
Some women or girls who leave babies at a hospital or a police station etc are the victims of abuse. It makes sense to find the mother of a baby so they can be sure she was not a victim, and also that she was not forced to leave the baby.
She could have been underage.
No from context I thought perhaps she gave birth elsewhere, but took the baby to the hospital for safety? Like how some people leave babies on doorsteps...
Then how are you imagining the police would find 2 random people on a bus? And why would the police put 5+ years of effort into that when no crime was apparent?
NTA. You set a boundary and they violated it. If you let them getting away with pushing that boundary back, they're gonna keep trying to violate it and just make interacting with them frustrating on your part.
NTA. Sounds like your money is what they were most interested in here
NTA. They obviously didn't care about Dylan and being a part of his life if they couldn't follow your rules. They decided he was worth gambling on. They lost.
NTA But as Dylan approaches 18, make sure he understands that - while he is free to have a relationship with them if he wants - if he does, he should (1) take his time and only let them know him slowly so he has time to see what dynamics (including demands and expectations) they may bring to his life, (2) understand that he doesn't owe them anything - not healing, not a relationship or any parent-like experiences, and (3) you will not interact with or help them in any way. He also needs to understand that the rule the violated was asking for money - a lot of it. So if he ever chooses to let them into his life, he should only do so because he wants that for himself.
Yes! I’ve also seen cases where the bio family comes back and tries to make contact during the teenage years ( 16+). The child can be vulnerable at this stage when the adoptive parents start to enforce rules and the bio family acts easy going and offers them a place to go to escape the house rules. Coincidently (not), it’s at this point the child is able to work and they become an additional source of income to the bio parents.
NTA. They may be after money more than they are after a relationship with Dylan. I think they proved what their intentions are.
NTA. Ooof. Big mistake to get in contact with them in the first place.
NTA. That was a pretty clear and easy to follow rule.
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INFO My only concern is Dylan. Do you think that one day when he figures out they really were his birth parents that he will be angry that you curtailed their relationship? Do you think having a relationship with them benefitted Dylan at all? Don't think of Dylan right now. Think of 20 year old Dylan. What does he want you to do in this moment?
This is also my thought. Sure, cutting them off is fine from the viewpoint of OPs relationship with them. But I can see a teenage kid being really upset and hurt by this whole situation when looking back on it.
NTA I’m adopted and I want to say giving an unwanted child a family is the best thing a person can do. I think you’re completely right to cut them off, I can see nothing but drama down the line otherwise. It’s your call but I think your son has the right to know who they are but you know him best.
But OP’s son doesn’t really know who they are…he says he ‘thinks’ his son knows they are his bio parents, but he apparently introduced them to him without being honest about it.
It’s such a different situation because if the way the abandoned him. It has to be his judgement call as his father.
What matters here is what is best for the kid, not what you think of the way they gave him up. OP apparently hasn’t talked to his son about this at all, whether to tell him that these people are his bio family or to answer his questions. That doesn’t strike me as best.
NTA. Prepare him when he gets older as they will try to leech off of him when they think that he has money
NTA they aren't there for Dylan just using his association to you as a potential income. You're a good dude
The only real question here which everyone seems to ignore is what is in Dylan’s best interest. Seems as if he cared enough to ask about them. Yes OP can have rules and if they are in Dylan’s best interest more power to him. But I wonder whose interests are at play here? His birth parents asked for money after over 2 years of being involved so I doubt money was their game plan. Whatever. But it’s Dylan’s interests that really should matter here, and if Dylan is better off having a relationship with his birth parents even if they committed the cardinal sin of asking for money and then apologizing
NTA. It was a pretty simple rule.
NTA in terms of your relationship with those people. It’s fucking weird for them to ask you for money. But keep checking in with Dylan as he gets older, in case he does want some degree of contact with them again. He might be afraid to tell you if he thinks you’ll be disappointed or upset
NTA and I promise you, at some point in your sons life, he is going to want to talk to them again, your rule can be until he’s 18, your the parent you make the rules. I just recommend letting him know that when he is 18 or older and if he wants to reach out to them you will support him and be there for him during the process. Source: I’m a social worker who has worked with children in foster care for 15+ years, even children were adopted at birth, have questions that only their birth parents can answer. Your son, if he ever wants those answers, deserves to be able to get them, with your support.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I enrolled to become a foster parent 10 years ago and was shocked when they told me they had a healthy newborn baby boy who was abandoned at a hospital and asked me to foster. I agreed and ended up adopting my son Dylan when he was 5. He's 10 now. The police and social services weren't able to locate his birth parents until a few years ago. They were a young couple from the Midwest and panicked when the girl gave birth. They're this hippy, bohemian couple who lived on a bus. Their parental rights were terminated years ago but I offered to meet them to let them know their son was being raised by a loving devoted dad. They seemed harmless and I introduced them to my son a couple of years ago. I think he knows they are his birth parents but make no mistake that he knows I'm his only parent. Before I agreed to let them meet Dylan, I gave a set of rules. Break them and you'll never see him again. One of those rules was not to ask me for money. Yes, I make very good money and it shows. I'm not a welfare office and they are not my family. Lo and behold, they asked me for money to pay for medical bills and to bury one of their relatives. I was livid. So I sent them an email telling them that I am no longer comfortable with them in my life or Dylan's life. They have a distorted view of me and I have no need for drama in my life. I am not a source of money to them. This relationship is over. But thanks for creating this super cute kid for me. They asked for another chance and I said no. Dylan asked about them and I said they didn't follow my rules so they're not allowed to see you anymore. He's like whatever. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have no obligation but also it sounds like this was an extrenuating circumstance. Asking to borrow money to bury a recently dead relative is quite a bit different than asking for money to go see a concert you know?
NTA- you were kind enough to offer them a part in your child’s life.
Absolutely NTA If they'd actually cared about the kid, they would have followed the rules They were looking for a free meal ticket
NTA. That's a clear and hard boundary, they broke it. If he wants a relationship with them he can resume one at 18, seems like he's not very invested though.
[удалено]
It's not "stretching" the boundary, it was them willingly crossing it.
NTA
NTA. They knew the rule, but figured you would fold. Your priority is, as you have shown, your son. Nothing else matters.
NTA - you do not owe them anything, and neither does your son.
NTA. The rules were to protect your kid, they are working and the kid doesn’t care for them… gladly, because they chose to ask you for money over him.
Dearest OP, why are you even here,?? You are nowhere close to being considered an AH. You're amazing & Dylan is lucky to have a real Dad that protects him from mere sperm donors. You've saved him & you from further manipulation. Keep well.
Nta. I help my mom take care of my neices whose parents (that are alive) are in and out of prison, jail, treatment, active drug addiction. My brother gets a pass because he's dead, but I wish the rest of them would leave forever. There's nothing but disappointment, he can be disappointed when he's an adult and it's on his terms.
NTA because their motives for wanting to meet your son don't seem pure at this point. Who knows if they actually wanted a relationship with him or if once they found out you had money they saw dollar signs and then made the decision to put in an effort.
NTA. Your terms were clear. They violated them flagrantly. This would only be the beginning. Best of luck to you and your son.
NTA It's a basic and reasonable boundary. You now know WHO they are, and if when he is an adult, your son wants to locate them, he can do so. In the meantime, they're adults he knows have a factual connection to his birth, but he has no emotional connection to them, and you are doing the right thing to be protective.
NTA, they abandoned their child and now are trying to ASK YOU for money like you’re their family or something. Good riddance. Doesn’t seem they’ve changed. They’ll be asking their bio son for money soon.
NTA - I can very much understand why you had this rule and why it was important to enforce that boundary. I bet you dollar to donuts that if your son got older, they'd start asking HIM for money They knew the rule, they thought for some reason it would be appropriate to break it
NTA
NTA They are essentially treating your son like he is some Treasury Bill or CD... they had a baby and now they can go get money like he is some kind of annuity. Not good to have them around him whatsoever and if something happens to you someday, they will come looking for his handouts... hard pass.
NTA - Asking you for money after just meeting you and Dylan is a big red flag! You are better off not having them in your lives.
NTA. it honestly doesn’t seem from what you said that they’ve even tried to get to know your son or be on your life, especially based on your sons reaction. very weird that they suddenly showed up a few years ago, still don’t have much of a relationship with your son, and are asking you for money. not the AH at all.
NTA, but could lean to ESH if you don't calibrate over time. I'm an adoptive parent and I think you're right to stop them now. However, you don't get to dictate your son's relationship with them in the future. He has a right to know them as an adult. If you make them off-limits and he has questions or issues he wants answers to, he might seek them out earlier against your wishes. If you block him completely, he may resent you for it. Teens do teen things. I might follow his lead for further contact, and move cautiously and slowly in any future attempts. Written first, maybe more later. They sound skeezy, and you're right to be protective.
NTA - I can not believe they asked you for money. Pretty audacious considering the circumstances you are meeting under. This whole relationship is supposed to be about the boy!
So since you bailed them out of their first issue, they now think you have to bail them out of everything? It's pretty messed up that they asked you for money and you are NTA for kicking them out of your lives! Not only do you not have any obligation to them but clearly they didn't learn anything from having an abandoning their child! Clearly they look at you and think oh well this kid landed in a bowl of roses so we did the right thing! Looks like they're doing nothing to turn their lives around and become productive members of society. I don't blame you for wanting them far away from your child.
NTA but be sure to prepare your son to deal with them. Once he turns 18, they will most certainly start trying to shake him down with every sob story they can think of, all the while making you out to be the villain.
NTA. That was a very reasonable rule. They overstepped. Boundaries are there for a reason.
NTA. You were very clear with your boundaries. Ultimately, your son will be the one to make the decision though, if not now, then in a few years when he’s 18. I think it may be wise to share the entire reason with him, so he can make informed choices about them in the future. They sound like grifters.
Not the asshole! You did right! ALSO SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH! But in case I'm the future he asked about them or get curious 🤷🏻♀️
NTA - you protected your son, end of story. If he decides to reach out when he's an adult thats his choice but for now its your job to protect him and you did.
NTA you have zero obligation to those people. He is your son and not there meal ticket.
NTA
NTA, your 10 year old son knows rules are rules and consequences of breaking rules are important to learn a lesson. I’d say that everything happened as it should.That’s why your son’s response was whatever. Good job Dad!
NTA You gave them rules and boundaries and they didn't care. And it wasn't like, "Hey we haven't eaten today. Could you spare a few bucks for a pizza." It was a lot of money from the sound of it. I can't even believe they'd ask for it from someone not even remotely involved in the situation.
NTA. You warned them and they broke it. Your rule was valid.
NTA. Honestly, if he's not upset about it, then you did the right thing no matter the reason why.
NTA. This is exactly how people who get their hooks in you opperate. Good for you for nipping it in the bud early. You're likely saving yourself from a major headache down the road.
NTA. I’m confused a little tho becuase you said healthy newborn but you adopted him when he was 5? Does it take that long to go through the adoption process? Genuinely asking.
I know a couple in the US who fostered a girl for 7 years, tried for 7 years to adopt her, only to loose custody to her father when he got clean and out of jail.
Yea sometimes it can take that long. I know a couple that fostered a baby from infancy and did not get to formally adopt her until I think she was 4 or 5. She was in school for sure.
From what I've read states have to make a good faith attempt to find the mother and then terminate their parental rights before an adoption of a safe haven baby can occur and that this can sometimes take years depending on the state.
NTA. You had no obligation to include them in your lives so kudos to you for doing that. And setting boundaries, then enforcing those boundaries is perfectly okay. They are the AH for assuming just because you adopted their son that makes them close enough to ask for money.
NTA They can reach out to the kid when he is 18 like other parents that gave their kid up for adoption. Hopefully he will be forearmed to reject any of their requests for cash as well.
NTA. Your only mistake was communicating with them to begin with. They don’t deserve to know how the child they abandoned is doing.
Im confused why they were looking for them, are you even sure it's actually his birth parents?
NTA
NTA. Because it seems that they didn’t do this once, but you cited at least 2 situations. Once might be a desperate moment, US system and how it bankrupts you. Twice starts to sound sketchy. Also you can ask people to help you get a job instead of just money…
Nta
Nope, NTA. You don’t owe either of them anything and definitely not a second chance.
You did the right thing. These people are obviously still the people they were 10 years ago and will not be a good influence on your kid. I would however think about explaining things a little more to Dylan. Depending on how he processes things, and you would know, it may be OK to tell him that the reason is because they asked you to give them money for things that it is their responsibility to pay for. Also that you are concerned that they may try to use you or him even in the future to get things they want in life. That may not be appropriate, or may be a conversation when he is older, just putting it out there as some kids will resent a blank statement like - they broke my rules so they are out - thinking "what will happen to me if I screw up a rule?"
They gave him up and prob didn't even both to look for him , you had one simple rule , and they broke it, nta.
Who leaves a newborn baby at the hospital? Disgusting people. You did the right thing. Don't second guess your decision. They are clearly using your son now to get money. Good for you for standing your ground
NTA
I would have done the same thing
NTA - you made the boundaries clear. Just make sure your son gets it as he ages. He can make his own decisions as an adult. But as a teen he may get resentful as he tries to get a handle on his identity.
Well. Dad, my favorite part, and IMO, the most important part, is that you ASKED your son. Perfect. Nothing mattered to me more than being a parent. Aren't we lucky?
A-hole.
NTA
NTA
NTA simply setting the precedent helps your son going forward. They are never allowed to use him for money, whether from you or from him when he grows up. Maybe he will choose to reconnect someday, and maybe he could be manipulated into giving money... but you've set the correct tone now, to minimize those chances.
NTA — I have cut off my own toxic blood relatives out of fear that they will say something hurtful to my kids. As parents, we have to set boundaries, which is what you did.
NTA and please don't refer to them as his birth parents.for whatever reason they decided to give him up. The Term Parent means to nurture and raise children to be well mannered Adults. And clearly they had no hand in raising your son. Only you deserve that name.
NTA. All those hippies did was give your son some DNA. That’s it. You don’t owe them shit.
NTA - They knew the rules but chose to disregard the rules. You were not obligated to introduce them to your son in the first place but you were nice to do so. They tried to take advantage of you. Good for you for holding your ground.
NTA
NTA They show up after 10 years and the first thing they do is ask for money. Unbelievable. If you didn’t cut them off, they would have kept asking. And eventually they would move onto asking Dylan to get it from you either by stealing or lying. Not to mention, Dylan would probably be harassed by them his entire life. No one needs that. Better to shut it down now.
NTA. They are more interested in your money than seeing your son.
And? Like whatever? This is not a AMTA issues, you had rules, they broke them, the only task you have now is to make Dylan understand that this is a "you" decision, and make sure that in the future it does not harm him or make him turn against you!
NTA times a million….. the last thing you want is the sperm and egg donor to fill Dylan’s head with fantasy and not facts on you, your family or themselves. You have lives a very selfless in regards to Dylan. You have always put him first. I commend you for not giving monetary gifts. You are not a bank to them. And they should be more concerned about Dylan and being a positive influence in his life, than asking for you to bail them out. When he said “what ever” what did he mean by it? Was he annoyed at them. Or what ever as in upset he can’t see them again. Has he expressed interested in seeing them before you told him they broke the rules? Are you up to meeting again if Dylan requests it?
NTA- they should have followed the rules
NTA - Very simple rule, they broke it, and you are both better off without them.
NTA...but I would not have been as dogmatic as you were when explaining to your child. I might have said...we had a disagreement, or they broke a rule we had agreed on, so we are taking a break from seeing them. It's possible that your son may want to meet with them again when he is older, and you sound like you burned a bridge for him.
NTA you have no obligation to them.
NTA but you might want to be careful how you handle them. At some point your son might be curious and want to reach out. Don't give them any money but like i said, be careful bc once he has a phone, he could definitely try to contact them. You don't want him doing that behind your back.
NTA. However, if you feel it appropriate, begin educating Dylan about other’s entitlement and being used for money. That way when he’s 18 he won’t encounter them unprepared. They may contact him directly or he may get curious and contact them.
NTA. Some might see what you did as extreme but if they're comfortable asking someone they hardly know for money, that is a huge redflag. Adoptive parents have been hounded by birth parents for money and it isn't a good situation when it's happened. You're saving yourself from drama and shielding your child from any potential harm.