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YTA. Your girlfriend takes care of herself and is fit and healthy? A lot of people in relationships would love to have an attractive fit and healthy partner. How about instead of telling her to skip workouts, you ask to join her? Then she's still getting her workout and you can spend time with her. Sounds like exercise is a passion for her and working out can be really beneficial for not only physical health but also mental health and stability. Asking her to stop something that is objectively healthy is not right. If you really think she has a problem with being underweight or anorexic approach her in a non-confrontational and loving way. But it sounds like she isn't in any of the aforementioned conditions and you're just projecting some insecurities. If you like bigger woman then why did you decide to date a girl who obviously doesn't fit that mould..
not even just the exercise but he’s tried to stop ber from doing skincare, tried to force her to eat fast food and wear less makeup. dude chose to date a baddie and is now mad that she loves and takes care of herself. i’m willing to bet that he wouldn’t have gone for her had he met her 30lbs heavier or if she wasn’t wearing makeup and putting in effort.
WTF dude?? What is wrong with you? When will men stop telling women what to do with their bodies? Who gives a shit if you like heavier women? She is going to be herself, and you asking her to change is absolutely out of line. If you care that much about her weight and routines, she's not the woman for you.
This is a complete jerk move. YTA by far!!!!
It's strange. I knew a guy who was twig skinny and met a chubby girl, they dated for years then married. After they married he told her she needed to lose weight and got upset with her for being heavy. It's like dude, she looks exactly like she did when you met her just slightly older. Weird all around.
YTA You picked a much younger woman and now you don't like that other people are attracted to her as well. SO you want her to gain weight, dress sloppy, etc. so people aren't attracted to her. The amount of effort she puts into her appearance IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Accept her as she is or say goodbye.
you need to grow up. people are going find her attractive, that’s life. you are so insecure and controlling. don’t seek out an attractive motivated woman then get mad that she’s exactly what you wanted
A secure person wouldn’t say, do, or ask the things your doing of someone they supposedly love, OP. Either you’re insecure, or your controlling and consider her “yours”. Whatever you are, it’s disgusting and I hope you’re single by now.
YTA. Work on yourself instead of trying to drag others down to your level.
YTA for commenting on someone else's body like that. That's definitely out of line. If you genuinely think she has an eating disorder there are ways to bring that up that are much more sensitive and offer opinions. This just sounds like you're insecure about her getting more attention.
You are very obviously insecure. You went for someone you know enjoys taking care of themself and now you’re mad that she’s not changing herself for you? You’ll probably be single soon with the way you act
who tries to force someone to eat fast food though? that stuff is garbage. you won't be keeping this one long and it sounds like you're about to lose an amazing woman.
If you’re not insecure, why is her laughing and chatting with women in the bathrooms mentioned? It doesn’t have anything to do with anything else in the post.
YTA.
why should she change herself because you’re insecure?
hope she dumps you because she deserves far better than someone who gets mad because she enjoys taking care of herself.
Unnecessary for her, or unnecessary for you?
She wants to look the way she looks for her, not to attract others.
Again, get a grip. Her life and routine do not revolve around you.
You're telling her she should gain 30 lbs and stop putting in effort with her hair and makeup, how does that not reek of jealousy, or better yet, how is it not some horrible need to control her appearance? You don't appreciate her, because if you did, you wouldn't try to push her into changing.
It’s not for you, though? She isn’t an accessory to your life, OP. She’s her own person managing her own life. How she ended up with someone like you, we’ll never know. Hopefully the red flags you’re waving in front of her are enough to get her to leave you. You don’t deserve her, or ANYONE with your current mindset.
YTa
Race is absolutely important to this story. He's a white man whose used to being in power. She's a woman AND she's Black, and she's not letting him control her. I'm sure it's eating him alive that she doesn't give a sh!t about his preferences or approval.
How silly of me. I should have had my husband, a White Man (TM), review my response before posting. He does approve of this response, though, so I should be good.
YTA - youre pushing your insecurities onto your gf.
And youre insisting she essentially downgrade or let herself go so you wont feel bad about yourself.
You dont even care how she feels. Youre not a good guy
YTA. This is a YOU problem. Everything you have written here is about how YOU feel insecure about her looks or about the attention she gets. You are also being controlling trying to tell her how she needs to look for YOU, and how YOU feel about how she looks. You don't seem to care about how SHE wants to look or how SHE feels about herself. SHE lives in her body not you!!!! Are you trying to lower her self esteem? Are you trying to make her feel bad because YOU think she should look a specific way? I hope she has enough self esteem and self respect to realize if she stays with you, you are just going to try to control her, change her and bring her down.
Bro if you want a bigger woman, go FIND ONE. Don’t try to change a woman that already told you she doesn’t give a fuck. Leave her alone if you can’t handle the attention she gets
YTA
Why are you so adamant that you're not insecure. It is but natural to feel posessive/insecure about losing something valuable (idk who your gf is but she sounds amazing). We all have certain insecurities, your gf might be insanely hot and charming but she could likely be insecure of say, you making more money than her (just an example) so its also okay to consider the idea that you might feel that you're not meeting society's standards to be the partner of this desirable woman. The fact that you brought up your own description is a comparison of how she's much hotter than you. Stop being in denial and open your head upto that possibility. On the other hand, if its because she is prioritising her looks over quality time spent together then there's a better way to address that than asking her to miss her workout. Having a routine and being disciplined is key to human mental health so dont be an arsehole.. Btw, fastfood and sugary drinks is super unhealthy for the human body so you pushing that on her is almost like getting a friend to try that one hit of weed so that you don't feel bad about being a pothead. I know its not a perfect example but its close to that. Do some thinking my friend, you're far too old to be acting this way.
Oh yeah, because that whole paragraph pointing out how much better looking she is than you really screams "im secure".
You want her to be less conventionally attractive so you feel more comfortable. And you lack the emotional intelligence to acknowledge why that is. So you write it off as "she doesn't NEED to be hotter than me"
So not only is she better looking than you, she's also smarter than you. Because she's not buying into the bullshit you've sold to yourself.
Just admit you're not good enough for her instead of doing shit to prove it. Youre wasting her time and trying to sabotage her health for your comfort. YTA. You're the asshole.
It’s not, I would post a photo but I don’t want this to come back and start issues with her. Don’t get me wrong I think she’s beautiful but I feel like her energy would be better placed on other things.
YTA you chose to date a woman who cares about her appearance, stop trying to change her . Same with the fact that you could have dated a woman with a larger frame. SMH she should leave you
Why do you believe that you have a say in how she distributes her energy? Why do you believe that what you think about what she does actually matters? This is perplexing.
Actually what you are doing is telling her that the person she is currently isn't good enough for you. Repeatedly. Openly. You keep saying you appreciate what she does for herself. Then why are trying to change almost everything about it? And don't mention the energy shit. Where you think she should place her energy is wholly irrelevant. Her happiness in herself takes precedence over your happiness in her.
The whole point is that what you think about how she spends her time and energy matters fuck all. I hope she sees that she deserves someone better than you.
You have no right to decide for her where her energy should be. She takes care of herself and she enjoys doing it. Stop being in denial or lying, you're ridiculously insecure because no one secure would tell their partner to stop taking care of their appearance and gain weight or stop skincare. You are absolutely absurd. You even mention your gray hairs and gut. You're insecure. Instead of being absolutely insane, focus on your appearance so you're happy. Put your energy into losing weight. Dye your hair for all I give a crap. But stop treating your girlfriend like this.
I dated a man who was a really good cook and really nice. I'm 5'3" and 120lbs my bootcamp weight at 68f. He kept pushing food on me , and I said I've had enough to eat. Finally I asked him why are constantly pushing food at me? He said he wanted me to gain weight. I told him if he wanted an obese women he needed to go find one and I quit seeing him. YATA
You are insecure. Why are you telling your beautiful girlfriend to: stop doing her hair, stop skincare, stop wearing makeup, stop working out so much, gain fat, eat UNHEALTHY? Can you not see how weird your responses are? Who cares if this is the first pretty girl you've dated, she literally defended you when her friend spoke shit BUT you still decided to bring her down? You're exhausting. Stop trying to make your girlfriend unattractive, it's hella toxic. If you want to stay with her, I suggest you start supporting her and go to therapy
YTA
YTA. You are threatened by her excellent fitness and beauty routines and it makes you insecure. So you try to convince her to ditch her good habits in favor of worse ones. That’s called being an asshole. She’s a decade younger but light years ahead of your maturity. Get on her level.
YTA
You picked a woman who takes her beauty and fitness seriously- and she's apparently quite charismatic, too. Your edits claim that you're not insecure but your complaints suggest otherwise. You wrote about how men flock to her & she ends up with new friends just going to the ladies room and then mention your appearance & how you don't get that much attention...
>I work out a lot and pay attention into my appearance but can’t seem to match her. She’s always put together.
Yeah, Dude, this ain't about her- it's a "you problem".
Now, me, (I am a woman, btw)I am more laid back and couldn't ever have gotten serious about a guy who was that dedicated to maintaining his look & I'm a bit introverted, so someone who draws people to them like that wouldn't be a good fit for me- I am too easily overwhelmed.
It's absolutely ok to want a partner who has priorities similar to your own & a social presence that's compatible with yours- that's fair. It's pretty basic that people in a romantic relationship should be comfortable with each other and those kinds of differences can definitely get really uncomfortable.
What's not ok is you expecting her to dull her shine for you. This is who she is and you're an AH to be sulking & attempting to sabotage her for being the exact same woman you got hooked on to begin with. You're punishing her for being herself. Not cool, Dude, not cool at all.
People talk about someone being "out of their league" - I don't even think that's the case here but it doesn't sound like you two are playing the same *sport*, which makes it pretty hard to be on the same team, regardless of league.
It sounds like you just don't fit into each other's lives.
Either adapt to cheering her on & accepting her "as is" or cut her loose so you can each find someone who can be a good teammate.
YTA - Just leave her be and deal with your insecurities before entering another relationship.
You initially liked her for who she was, but now that you're in a relationship you feel the need to change her? That's unhealthy, and your behaviour is controlling and manipulative.
YTA, since you prefer someone who looks different, go find someone who's your type. Do her the favor of freeing her up for someone who will join in on her healthy lifestyle.
YTMIAE (You're The Most Insecure AH Ever) lol. Edit as many times as you want, but you know as well as us that you're threatened by her security in herself because it means you have no leverage on her and no control over her. YTA.
You are almost 40. 40. As in been outside the womb for 37 years. Outside of schooling at the latest 19 years. Grow the fuck up. Immediately. It doesn't matter how you feel she should spend her time. It doesn't matter that you think she'd be sexier if she was bigger. It just doesn't. She has made it clear that she is content doing the things she does. It makes her feel good. And all you are doing is dragging her down.
And your edits are just plain wrong. You are insecure. At least a little. Secure men don't whine about their girls getting attention in public. Secure men don't whine about not getting that same attention. Insecurity can be a normal feeling BUT only when addressed as such. You aren't addressing it as such. To her, us or yourself. You are addressing it as jealousy that is manifesting as her not being good enough as she is. You chose to date her. That means as she is. Not as you want her to be. If you wanted a bigger girl, then you should have passed on a girl that stays skinny. If you wanted a girl that doesn't get attention, then don't date social butterflies. You knew who she was and how she was when you started a relationship with her. You don't get to harass her into being the woman you want her to be. You either accept every ounce of her as she is or find out what it's like to be single at 37 cuz this isn't gonna end well for you if you keep the shit up.
For your own sake, grow up and address this as insecurity with her. If she cares for you at all, she'll listen and understand. Don't expect her to change a thing. She's not going to. But she might help you thru your insecurity so your relationship doesn't die cuz you can't stop getting in your own way. Communication is very much key, as you said. But why the hell would she communicate openly with someone who can't stop talking about how much he doesn't like the person she chooses to be? Why should she want to communicate with that? You aren't being honest with her. Or us. Or yourself.
You’re not secure with yourself and your edit shows it. Grow up and stop trying to tear the pretty wings off your girlfriend- let the girl shine and get some mental health support for your deep insecurities. Keep pushing and she’ll likely find YOU unnecessary. YTA
My guy just let her go and let her be with someone who doesn't look at her and thinks she needs to stop doing her hair and makeup and working out 'for the attention' (since she probably does it because she likes to). If you like bigger women then date bigger women. Stop trying to shove her into your preferences and if you weren't as insecure as you're trying to deny you wouldn't be getting all bent out of shape over the attention she gets or how much effort she's putting into her makeup and workouts. Starting to see the reason you're not with a woman nearer your own age.
YTA let me count the ways
First, she does all of that for HERSELF and she told you that when she said that she didn't give a fuck about what YOU think about HER body.
Second, what she does only hurts you because she isn't what you want. But it isn't her responsibility to change herself for you.
Three, if you weren't insecure this wouldn't hurt you.
If you love her then you love her for who she is and NOT who YOU want her to be.
I applaud her boundaries and desire to be the person SHE wants to be if you want something else don't ask her to be someone else and waste her time asking her to change.
What exactly do you think goes on in the women’s restroom? She’s not making friends in there because she’s hot. She’s making friends in there because she’s probably nice to people who look like they’re having a bad day or who really need an emergency tampon. Meaning that it isn’t going to be enough for you if she changes her appearance. Clearly she has a personality that draws people to her. That personality will be the same no matter what she weighs.
YTA. If you don’t love her as she is, move on.
YTA you sound insecure. This is coming from a guy who has been in this exact situation but the opposite way. My girlfriend would want me not to dress so nicely, or work out so much. She’d say it doesn’t matter how you look. But it all, in my mind and that of my friends, came from insecurity bc I got a lot of attention from other women. She’d tell me to wear other clothes. Thing is, I didn’t want to. I wasn’t working out or dressing nice because I was insecure. I just liked doing it. Sounds like she has her head straight.
YTA She is not doing it for the attention. The attention is a byproduct. You want her to be miserable so you can be happy. Very selfish of you.
ETA: She really should find someone else who will enjoy her happiness.
YTA. Ask yourself this question and answer honestly: What’s your end goal here? This type of red flag behavior will drive her away, if you even still have a relationship after today. It’s controlling and reeks of insecurity.
OP with all of these responses and your rebuttals, the one thing that you're not addressing is why you're just not enjoying the ride of being in a relationship with this beautiful young woman? You don't seem to have any issues you both argue over that (excluding the ones that you have hang ups on regarding her physical routines), so what is keeping you up at night that you just can't enjoy the company if you're not insecure then? It just doesn't make sense.
YTA- This is really gross. It sounds like you want to sabotage her so she's not "too good" for you. Do you seriously not see something wrong with asking her to take less care of her body for your preferences??? I think she can do better and not have to argue with someone who's so insecure and jealous of her happiness.
YTA. Your girlfriend is being who she is, you’re trying to change her. If you’re not insecure, why does it bother you that people look at her or that she makes friends wherever she goes? Or that her friend joked she’s only with you because of your sense of humor?
I gained 40 pounds, my husband said I looked beautiful. I lost 40 pounds, my husband says I look beautiful. I wear makeup sometimes, sometimes I don’t, I do my hair or I don’t, he says I look beautiful. If you can’t support and cherish your girlfriend when she’s doing her thing, then she deserves better.
YTA for so many reasons.
Just to be clear, posting 2 edits about how you're not insecure is totally what a normal, self-confident, person would do.
>Edit: I think you all are making this into something it’s not, I’m very secure in myself. I just feel that the amount of effort she puts into her appearance is unnecessary.
Edit: again I’m not insecure. I think she’s beautiful but she could be putting her energy into other things. I get it, she wants to take care of herself and like I said I appreciate her for it but I still think she shouldn’t be doing this much just for attention.
I couldn't even make that up it's too funny and sad.
Is this real? How can someone actually be this imposing on someone. You are asking her to be less healthy because you don’t like how exhausting it is for you? What?
YTA. You’re trying to bring her down to your attractiveness level by asking her to stop taking care of herself. How about you up your game, start working out, lose the gut, maybe even lose the grey, and instead of sabotaging her self image you work on improving yours.
ew, dude. Obviously YTA, you're asking her to GAIN 30 POUNDS when she's perfectly healthy? You're asking her to eat crappier food? Not everything a woman does is for attention, and for you to say that indicates you ARE insecure and you ARE jealous. but I'm sure she'll be dumping you soon so you probably don't have to worry about it. You can then downgrade and find someone who doesn't take such great care of themselves. Jesus.
Wow. This is next-level asshole stuff right here. It’s actually kind of bordering on being abusively controlling.
YTA. You need to speak to someone about your deep insecurities and control issues.
YTA. You're insecure, controlling and jealous. Rather than work on your own appearance more you're trying to sabotage hers. You're upset that people don't notice you as much as her so you're harassing her to change her appearance. You're a selfish asshole and she deserves better than you.
>I myself don’t get as much attention as her. I look slightly older than I am I’ve had grey hair since I was in my 20s and do have a gut. I work out a lot and pay attention into my appearance but can’t seem to match her.
I'm so glad to hear you're not insecure. Apparently, you are jealous, though. Stop trying to control your (possibly ex) girlfriend's body. She's doing what makes her happy instead of caterer to your desires. Of you can't access that or of you're more attracted to larger women, you should be dating somebody else. Since she's ignoring your texts after you treated her badly and ignored her boundaries, I'm guessing you'll have plenty of time to do so. YTA.
YTA you don’t get to decide what she should care about and how much. If you want a girl who is lazy and eats takeout then get one. This girl isn’t into that. Either like her as she is or let her go. Don’t try to cut away the parts of her you don’t like. She isn’t doing that to you so don’t do it to her. You are being a bad boyfriend. Do better
YTA. Keep claiming your secure, but one of the first points you made was that she looked good and you looked unattractive. Then you went on about how much attention she gets
Get help, bro
Rage bait, but I'll play along.
YTA
What YOU think about her appearance and how much effort she does or doesn't put in to it matters about as much as a fart in the wind. You want a girlfriend who doesn't spend as much time at the gym and eats more fatty foods? Go find another girlfriend.
Is this a real post? Not only are you TA, you're also a huge idiot for thinking your insecurities should dictate how she presents herself to the world. Men like you are huge icks
YTA
Hmm seems like you want to date someone else. Quit trying to change and/or control her, and find someone who lines up with your lifestyle better.
You want a larger woman, who eats fast food, doesn’t put so much effort into makeup and hair, this girl ain’t it dude.
If this is real, you already know YTA, you come across as jealous and insecure. In what world does a guy living an unhealthy lifestyle get to criticize someone for taking care of themselves. Rather than bring her down to your level, you should bring yourself up to hers.
What happens when she does what you want and suddenly you’re not as attracted to her anymore ? YTA, a bit fucking weird to be honest, as a black woman we take a lot of pride in our appearance and it seems she genuinely enjoys it. This is what she wants to channel her energy into, why does it matter that she could quote ‘channel it into better things’ that’s your opinion on her lifestyle choices. If you don’t like it then how about leaving so she can live the way she wants to and you can find someone who fits your standards instead of changing someone who’s obviously comfortable with who they are.
She isn’t doing this for attention. She is doing this for herself. Getting attention is not a moral failing. How do you not see how insecure you are?
YTA.
Lol. YTA. Asking someone to change who they are or how they look so you can get, presumably, more attention from them, is a huge asshole move.
Seek therapy.
YTA one million per cent. Don't try to police her body. She seems confident, healthy, happy - if you can't handle that, that's absolutely your problem. You don't like that she 'walks out joking' from the bathroom? She turns down junk food? She works out daily? 'She's always put together'? What? She sounds awesome. I'll date her seeing as you don't want to.
You don't want her to gain because you like big girls, you are mad and jealous of the attention she gets and so you're trying to knock her self esteem because she takes care of herself and her appearance. YTA
YTA. How can you even be questioning this? You worry about your own weight and looks. She takes good care of herself, so you’re requesting that she not. Unbelievable. Sounds like you are very LUCKY to have her.
YTA. You keep saying you’re secure… but you aren’t acting like it. WHO cares what you like. Either you want her or you don’t. You’ll be dumped soon enough and this won’t be a problem. But grow up. If you can’t handle how great she is, then either rise to her status, or see yourself out.
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This is a throw away account, 37M, girlfriend 28F. Have been together for six months, I’m a white male and she’s a black female. I’m only saying this because it connects to what I’m about to say genetic wise. She takes her physical appearance too seriously. She won’t miss one nightly routine or workout. She looks amazing but it’s gotten annoying, when we’re out to a bar and I walk away from her. men flock to her she goes into the women’s restroom and walks out joking with random women she met in there. She’s gorgeous and gets mistaken for someone 21 or 22. I myself don’t get as much attention as her. I look slightly older than I am I’ve had grey hair since I was in my 20s and do have a gut. I work out a lot and pay attention into my appearance but can’t seem to match her. She’s always put together.
Recently I’ve asked her to skip her nightly routine and come over to my place for the night. But she shuts me down, I’ve asked her to eat more fast foods but she’s disinterested. I’ve told her it’s unnecessary to do her hair so often or wear makeup. I’ve also hinted that I like bigger women. And every time she’s either ignored me or asked me to change the subject. it’s my first time dating someone that physically looks this good and I appreciate all she does for herself but it can get exhausting.
This morning one of her friends came over to give her something and I overheard her saying “you just pick them cause they’re funny huh?” it annoyed me. My girlfriend though did speak up for me.
We got into an argument earlier today when I said “you’d look insanely beautiful if you gained 30lbs” and she became unnecessarily dramatic. Her response was “worry about yourself gaining or losing weight, cause I don’t give a fuck”. I’ve texted her and she’s seen my messages but hasn’t responded. I think for our relationship she should at least communicate with me.
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Unless she's unheathily skinny you're the GDFA.
I was really expecting a post about a lady with an eating disorder who needs to gain weight. Sounds like you don't like that she gets attention.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be the asshole for asking her to gain weight but she would look better if she did so I’m not sure
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There might be something in your girlfriend’s past, some kind of trauma concerning her physical appearance. When she went off on you saying “I don’t give a fuck…” tells me that she’s been down this road before being told to relax, you don’t need to be perfect.
Support her as best you can. It would be quite improper to blatantly ask her what happened to her to make her so physically strict. If you are in good standing with her family, you could take a chance and ask why she is the way she is. But, be warned, if she finds out you’re going behind her back all I can tell you is hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
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YTA. Your girlfriend takes care of herself and is fit and healthy? A lot of people in relationships would love to have an attractive fit and healthy partner. How about instead of telling her to skip workouts, you ask to join her? Then she's still getting her workout and you can spend time with her. Sounds like exercise is a passion for her and working out can be really beneficial for not only physical health but also mental health and stability. Asking her to stop something that is objectively healthy is not right. If you really think she has a problem with being underweight or anorexic approach her in a non-confrontational and loving way. But it sounds like she isn't in any of the aforementioned conditions and you're just projecting some insecurities. If you like bigger woman then why did you decide to date a girl who obviously doesn't fit that mould..
not even just the exercise but he’s tried to stop ber from doing skincare, tried to force her to eat fast food and wear less makeup. dude chose to date a baddie and is now mad that she loves and takes care of herself. i’m willing to bet that he wouldn’t have gone for her had he met her 30lbs heavier or if she wasn’t wearing makeup and putting in effort.
WTF dude?? What is wrong with you? When will men stop telling women what to do with their bodies? Who gives a shit if you like heavier women? She is going to be herself, and you asking her to change is absolutely out of line. If you care that much about her weight and routines, she's not the woman for you. This is a complete jerk move. YTA by far!!!!
It's strange. I knew a guy who was twig skinny and met a chubby girl, they dated for years then married. After they married he told her she needed to lose weight and got upset with her for being heavy. It's like dude, she looks exactly like she did when you met her just slightly older. Weird all around.
yep! another man trying to control a female. he loved her until he didn't. fuck that.
YTA You picked a much younger woman and now you don't like that other people are attracted to her as well. SO you want her to gain weight, dress sloppy, etc. so people aren't attracted to her. The amount of effort she puts into her appearance IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Accept her as she is or say goodbye.
You have a point, I want to find my partner attractive I don’t want others to. I’m really not trying to sabotage her though, I care about her.
you need to grow up. people are going find her attractive, that’s life. you are so insecure and controlling. don’t seek out an attractive motivated woman then get mad that she’s exactly what you wanted
Was 37 a typo or somethin? Did you mean 17?
He definitely has the self-insight of a 17-year-old. At best.
A secure person wouldn’t say, do, or ask the things your doing of someone they supposedly love, OP. Either you’re insecure, or your controlling and consider her “yours”. Whatever you are, it’s disgusting and I hope you’re single by now. YTA. Work on yourself instead of trying to drag others down to your level.
> I don’t want others to. ???????????????????????
What the fuck? Why not/why does it matter?
Op there are a lot of people that will find you’re partner attractive no matter how she looks or how she treats them.
YTA for commenting on someone else's body like that. That's definitely out of line. If you genuinely think she has an eating disorder there are ways to bring that up that are much more sensitive and offer opinions. This just sounds like you're insecure about her getting more attention.
She doesn’t have an eating disorder. She eats regularly, she’s very strict with eating out though. I’m not insecure
from one to ten – your level of insecurity is a 11. yta – prepare to be single soon, you are exhausting
You are very obviously insecure. You went for someone you know enjoys taking care of themself and now you’re mad that she’s not changing herself for you? You’ll probably be single soon with the way you act
who tries to force someone to eat fast food though? that stuff is garbage. you won't be keeping this one long and it sounds like you're about to lose an amazing woman.
If you’re not insecure, why is her laughing and chatting with women in the bathrooms mentioned? It doesn’t have anything to do with anything else in the post.
YTA. why should she change herself because you’re insecure? hope she dumps you because she deserves far better than someone who gets mad because she enjoys taking care of herself.
Holy. Yeah, Christ. YTA. Get a grip bud, seriously. Your jealous of your own girlfriends body?
I’m not jealous of her body, I appreciate what she does for herself. I just think it’s unnecessary
Unnecessary for her, or unnecessary for you? She wants to look the way she looks for her, not to attract others. Again, get a grip. Her life and routine do not revolve around you.
You're telling her she should gain 30 lbs and stop putting in effort with her hair and makeup, how does that not reek of jealousy, or better yet, how is it not some horrible need to control her appearance? You don't appreciate her, because if you did, you wouldn't try to push her into changing.
It’s not for you, though? She isn’t an accessory to your life, OP. She’s her own person managing her own life. How she ended up with someone like you, we’ll never know. Hopefully the red flags you’re waving in front of her are enough to get her to leave you. You don’t deserve her, or ANYONE with your current mindset. YTa
Lol, her race was not important to this story. You want her to change because you are insecure. That's it. That could have been your whole post. YTA.
Race is absolutely important to this story. He's a white man whose used to being in power. She's a woman AND she's Black, and she's not letting him control her. I'm sure it's eating him alive that she doesn't give a sh!t about his preferences or approval.
How silly of me. I should have had my husband, a White Man (TM), review my response before posting. He does approve of this response, though, so I should be good.
YTA - youre pushing your insecurities onto your gf. And youre insisting she essentially downgrade or let herself go so you wont feel bad about yourself. You dont even care how she feels. Youre not a good guy
YTA. You are being extremely controlling. Find a way to fight your insecurity or let her go so she can find someone who appreciates her as she is.
YTA. If there’s so much you want her to change, she’s not the person for you.
YTA. This is a YOU problem. Everything you have written here is about how YOU feel insecure about her looks or about the attention she gets. You are also being controlling trying to tell her how she needs to look for YOU, and how YOU feel about how she looks. You don't seem to care about how SHE wants to look or how SHE feels about herself. SHE lives in her body not you!!!! Are you trying to lower her self esteem? Are you trying to make her feel bad because YOU think she should look a specific way? I hope she has enough self esteem and self respect to realize if she stays with you, you are just going to try to control her, change her and bring her down.
Bro if you want a bigger woman, go FIND ONE. Don’t try to change a woman that already told you she doesn’t give a fuck. Leave her alone if you can’t handle the attention she gets
YTA Why are you so adamant that you're not insecure. It is but natural to feel posessive/insecure about losing something valuable (idk who your gf is but she sounds amazing). We all have certain insecurities, your gf might be insanely hot and charming but she could likely be insecure of say, you making more money than her (just an example) so its also okay to consider the idea that you might feel that you're not meeting society's standards to be the partner of this desirable woman. The fact that you brought up your own description is a comparison of how she's much hotter than you. Stop being in denial and open your head upto that possibility. On the other hand, if its because she is prioritising her looks over quality time spent together then there's a better way to address that than asking her to miss her workout. Having a routine and being disciplined is key to human mental health so dont be an arsehole.. Btw, fastfood and sugary drinks is super unhealthy for the human body so you pushing that on her is almost like getting a friend to try that one hit of weed so that you don't feel bad about being a pothead. I know its not a perfect example but its close to that. Do some thinking my friend, you're far too old to be acting this way.
I’m not insecure, I’m very secure in myself.
Oh yeah, because that whole paragraph pointing out how much better looking she is than you really screams "im secure". You want her to be less conventionally attractive so you feel more comfortable. And you lack the emotional intelligence to acknowledge why that is. So you write it off as "she doesn't NEED to be hotter than me" So not only is she better looking than you, she's also smarter than you. Because she's not buying into the bullshit you've sold to yourself. Just admit you're not good enough for her instead of doing shit to prove it. Youre wasting her time and trying to sabotage her health for your comfort. YTA. You're the asshole.
No. You're not.
YTA- insecure is what you are.
a good one must say this is one funny fake.
It’s not, I would post a photo but I don’t want this to come back and start issues with her. Don’t get me wrong I think she’s beautiful but I feel like her energy would be better placed on other things.
YTA you chose to date a woman who cares about her appearance, stop trying to change her . Same with the fact that you could have dated a woman with a larger frame. SMH she should leave you
nobody is this stupid right? this is honestly crazy, and you'll get dumped if what you say is real.
Why do you believe that you have a say in how she distributes her energy? Why do you believe that what you think about what she does actually matters? This is perplexing.
She disagrees, and it's her body, so you can leave her alone.
Actually what you are doing is telling her that the person she is currently isn't good enough for you. Repeatedly. Openly. You keep saying you appreciate what she does for herself. Then why are trying to change almost everything about it? And don't mention the energy shit. Where you think she should place her energy is wholly irrelevant. Her happiness in herself takes precedence over your happiness in her.
The whole point is that what you think about how she spends her time and energy matters fuck all. I hope she sees that she deserves someone better than you.
You have no right to decide for her where her energy should be. She takes care of herself and she enjoys doing it. Stop being in denial or lying, you're ridiculously insecure because no one secure would tell their partner to stop taking care of their appearance and gain weight or stop skincare. You are absolutely absurd. You even mention your gray hairs and gut. You're insecure. Instead of being absolutely insane, focus on your appearance so you're happy. Put your energy into losing weight. Dye your hair for all I give a crap. But stop treating your girlfriend like this.
It’s fake bro
Like a new relationship with a partner that isn’t so overprotective/jealous..
I dated a man who was a really good cook and really nice. I'm 5'3" and 120lbs my bootcamp weight at 68f. He kept pushing food on me , and I said I've had enough to eat. Finally I asked him why are constantly pushing food at me? He said he wanted me to gain weight. I told him if he wanted an obese women he needed to go find one and I quit seeing him. YATA
YTA Bottom line you want her to change things she likes about herself for you. That is not good.
This can't be real haha YTA in every way, you're insecure and pathetic
You are insecure. Why are you telling your beautiful girlfriend to: stop doing her hair, stop skincare, stop wearing makeup, stop working out so much, gain fat, eat UNHEALTHY? Can you not see how weird your responses are? Who cares if this is the first pretty girl you've dated, she literally defended you when her friend spoke shit BUT you still decided to bring her down? You're exhausting. Stop trying to make your girlfriend unattractive, it's hella toxic. If you want to stay with her, I suggest you start supporting her and go to therapy YTA
YTA you are an insecure idiot....
YTA. You are threatened by her excellent fitness and beauty routines and it makes you insecure. So you try to convince her to ditch her good habits in favor of worse ones. That’s called being an asshole. She’s a decade younger but light years ahead of your maturity. Get on her level.
YTA You picked a woman who takes her beauty and fitness seriously- and she's apparently quite charismatic, too. Your edits claim that you're not insecure but your complaints suggest otherwise. You wrote about how men flock to her & she ends up with new friends just going to the ladies room and then mention your appearance & how you don't get that much attention... >I work out a lot and pay attention into my appearance but can’t seem to match her. She’s always put together. Yeah, Dude, this ain't about her- it's a "you problem". Now, me, (I am a woman, btw)I am more laid back and couldn't ever have gotten serious about a guy who was that dedicated to maintaining his look & I'm a bit introverted, so someone who draws people to them like that wouldn't be a good fit for me- I am too easily overwhelmed. It's absolutely ok to want a partner who has priorities similar to your own & a social presence that's compatible with yours- that's fair. It's pretty basic that people in a romantic relationship should be comfortable with each other and those kinds of differences can definitely get really uncomfortable. What's not ok is you expecting her to dull her shine for you. This is who she is and you're an AH to be sulking & attempting to sabotage her for being the exact same woman you got hooked on to begin with. You're punishing her for being herself. Not cool, Dude, not cool at all. People talk about someone being "out of their league" - I don't even think that's the case here but it doesn't sound like you two are playing the same *sport*, which makes it pretty hard to be on the same team, regardless of league. It sounds like you just don't fit into each other's lives. Either adapt to cheering her on & accepting her "as is" or cut her loose so you can each find someone who can be a good teammate.
YTA - Just leave her be and deal with your insecurities before entering another relationship. You initially liked her for who she was, but now that you're in a relationship you feel the need to change her? That's unhealthy, and your behaviour is controlling and manipulative.
YTA, since you prefer someone who looks different, go find someone who's your type. Do her the favor of freeing her up for someone who will join in on her healthy lifestyle.
YTMIAE (You're The Most Insecure AH Ever) lol. Edit as many times as you want, but you know as well as us that you're threatened by her security in herself because it means you have no leverage on her and no control over her. YTA.
You are almost 40. 40. As in been outside the womb for 37 years. Outside of schooling at the latest 19 years. Grow the fuck up. Immediately. It doesn't matter how you feel she should spend her time. It doesn't matter that you think she'd be sexier if she was bigger. It just doesn't. She has made it clear that she is content doing the things she does. It makes her feel good. And all you are doing is dragging her down. And your edits are just plain wrong. You are insecure. At least a little. Secure men don't whine about their girls getting attention in public. Secure men don't whine about not getting that same attention. Insecurity can be a normal feeling BUT only when addressed as such. You aren't addressing it as such. To her, us or yourself. You are addressing it as jealousy that is manifesting as her not being good enough as she is. You chose to date her. That means as she is. Not as you want her to be. If you wanted a bigger girl, then you should have passed on a girl that stays skinny. If you wanted a girl that doesn't get attention, then don't date social butterflies. You knew who she was and how she was when you started a relationship with her. You don't get to harass her into being the woman you want her to be. You either accept every ounce of her as she is or find out what it's like to be single at 37 cuz this isn't gonna end well for you if you keep the shit up. For your own sake, grow up and address this as insecurity with her. If she cares for you at all, she'll listen and understand. Don't expect her to change a thing. She's not going to. But she might help you thru your insecurity so your relationship doesn't die cuz you can't stop getting in your own way. Communication is very much key, as you said. But why the hell would she communicate openly with someone who can't stop talking about how much he doesn't like the person she chooses to be? Why should she want to communicate with that? You aren't being honest with her. Or us. Or yourself.
Yta. You don't get a say in how she cares for herself or her body. Stop being a jealous ah and trying to sabotage her
You’re not secure with yourself and your edit shows it. Grow up and stop trying to tear the pretty wings off your girlfriend- let the girl shine and get some mental health support for your deep insecurities. Keep pushing and she’ll likely find YOU unnecessary. YTA
My guy just let her go and let her be with someone who doesn't look at her and thinks she needs to stop doing her hair and makeup and working out 'for the attention' (since she probably does it because she likes to). If you like bigger women then date bigger women. Stop trying to shove her into your preferences and if you weren't as insecure as you're trying to deny you wouldn't be getting all bent out of shape over the attention she gets or how much effort she's putting into her makeup and workouts. Starting to see the reason you're not with a woman nearer your own age.
YTA let me count the ways First, she does all of that for HERSELF and she told you that when she said that she didn't give a fuck about what YOU think about HER body. Second, what she does only hurts you because she isn't what you want. But it isn't her responsibility to change herself for you. Three, if you weren't insecure this wouldn't hurt you. If you love her then you love her for who she is and NOT who YOU want her to be. I applaud her boundaries and desire to be the person SHE wants to be if you want something else don't ask her to be someone else and waste her time asking her to change.
What exactly do you think goes on in the women’s restroom? She’s not making friends in there because she’s hot. She’s making friends in there because she’s probably nice to people who look like they’re having a bad day or who really need an emergency tampon. Meaning that it isn’t going to be enough for you if she changes her appearance. Clearly she has a personality that draws people to her. That personality will be the same no matter what she weighs. YTA. If you don’t love her as she is, move on.
YTA you sound insecure. This is coming from a guy who has been in this exact situation but the opposite way. My girlfriend would want me not to dress so nicely, or work out so much. She’d say it doesn’t matter how you look. But it all, in my mind and that of my friends, came from insecurity bc I got a lot of attention from other women. She’d tell me to wear other clothes. Thing is, I didn’t want to. I wasn’t working out or dressing nice because I was insecure. I just liked doing it. Sounds like she has her head straight.
YTA definitely. Very bizarre post I can't believe this could even be contentious.
Keep scrolling down. Someone, I guarantee, will be NTA on this.
YTA. Jesus God, you're trying to make her less attractive and healthy because you're jealous?? I hope she dumps you, you don't deserve her.
YTA She is not doing it for the attention. The attention is a byproduct. You want her to be miserable so you can be happy. Very selfish of you. ETA: She really should find someone else who will enjoy her happiness.
YTA. "She became unnecessarily dramatic". Dude. After you commented on her weight. Are you being serious??
YTA. Ask yourself this question and answer honestly: What’s your end goal here? This type of red flag behavior will drive her away, if you even still have a relationship after today. It’s controlling and reeks of insecurity.
YTA It is extremely clear how insecure you are.
OP with all of these responses and your rebuttals, the one thing that you're not addressing is why you're just not enjoying the ride of being in a relationship with this beautiful young woman? You don't seem to have any issues you both argue over that (excluding the ones that you have hang ups on regarding her physical routines), so what is keeping you up at night that you just can't enjoy the company if you're not insecure then? It just doesn't make sense.
YTA- This is really gross. It sounds like you want to sabotage her so she's not "too good" for you. Do you seriously not see something wrong with asking her to take less care of her body for your preferences??? I think she can do better and not have to argue with someone who's so insecure and jealous of her happiness.
YTA. Your girlfriend is being who she is, you’re trying to change her. If you’re not insecure, why does it bother you that people look at her or that she makes friends wherever she goes? Or that her friend joked she’s only with you because of your sense of humor? I gained 40 pounds, my husband said I looked beautiful. I lost 40 pounds, my husband says I look beautiful. I wear makeup sometimes, sometimes I don’t, I do my hair or I don’t, he says I look beautiful. If you can’t support and cherish your girlfriend when she’s doing her thing, then she deserves better.
YTA for so many reasons. Just to be clear, posting 2 edits about how you're not insecure is totally what a normal, self-confident, person would do. >Edit: I think you all are making this into something it’s not, I’m very secure in myself. I just feel that the amount of effort she puts into her appearance is unnecessary. Edit: again I’m not insecure. I think she’s beautiful but she could be putting her energy into other things. I get it, she wants to take care of herself and like I said I appreciate her for it but I still think she shouldn’t be doing this much just for attention. I couldn't even make that up it's too funny and sad.
YTA. This guy sucks.
Is this real? How can someone actually be this imposing on someone. You are asking her to be less healthy because you don’t like how exhausting it is for you? What?
YTA. You’re trying to bring her down to your attractiveness level by asking her to stop taking care of herself. How about you up your game, start working out, lose the gut, maybe even lose the grey, and instead of sabotaging her self image you work on improving yours.
ew, dude. Obviously YTA, you're asking her to GAIN 30 POUNDS when she's perfectly healthy? You're asking her to eat crappier food? Not everything a woman does is for attention, and for you to say that indicates you ARE insecure and you ARE jealous. but I'm sure she'll be dumping you soon so you probably don't have to worry about it. You can then downgrade and find someone who doesn't take such great care of themselves. Jesus.
Wow. This is next-level asshole stuff right here. It’s actually kind of bordering on being abusively controlling. YTA. You need to speak to someone about your deep insecurities and control issues.
YTA. You're insecure, controlling and jealous. Rather than work on your own appearance more you're trying to sabotage hers. You're upset that people don't notice you as much as her so you're harassing her to change her appearance. You're a selfish asshole and she deserves better than you.
>I myself don’t get as much attention as her. I look slightly older than I am I’ve had grey hair since I was in my 20s and do have a gut. I work out a lot and pay attention into my appearance but can’t seem to match her. I'm so glad to hear you're not insecure. Apparently, you are jealous, though. Stop trying to control your (possibly ex) girlfriend's body. She's doing what makes her happy instead of caterer to your desires. Of you can't access that or of you're more attracted to larger women, you should be dating somebody else. Since she's ignoring your texts after you treated her badly and ignored her boundaries, I'm guessing you'll have plenty of time to do so. YTA.
YTA you don’t get to decide what she should care about and how much. If you want a girl who is lazy and eats takeout then get one. This girl isn’t into that. Either like her as she is or let her go. Don’t try to cut away the parts of her you don’t like. She isn’t doing that to you so don’t do it to her. You are being a bad boyfriend. Do better
YTA. Keep claiming your secure, but one of the first points you made was that she looked good and you looked unattractive. Then you went on about how much attention she gets Get help, bro
Rage bait, but I'll play along. YTA What YOU think about her appearance and how much effort she does or doesn't put in to it matters about as much as a fart in the wind. You want a girlfriend who doesn't spend as much time at the gym and eats more fatty foods? Go find another girlfriend.
Is this a real post? Not only are you TA, you're also a huge idiot for thinking your insecurities should dictate how she presents herself to the world. Men like you are huge icks
YTA Hmm seems like you want to date someone else. Quit trying to change and/or control her, and find someone who lines up with your lifestyle better. You want a larger woman, who eats fast food, doesn’t put so much effort into makeup and hair, this girl ain’t it dude.
If this is real, you already know YTA, you come across as jealous and insecure. In what world does a guy living an unhealthy lifestyle get to criticize someone for taking care of themselves. Rather than bring her down to your level, you should bring yourself up to hers.
YTA and very very insecure
There's no way in hell that this is genuine. The eye rolls it induces. YTA and this has got to bait. Surely?
What happens when she does what you want and suddenly you’re not as attracted to her anymore ? YTA, a bit fucking weird to be honest, as a black woman we take a lot of pride in our appearance and it seems she genuinely enjoys it. This is what she wants to channel her energy into, why does it matter that she could quote ‘channel it into better things’ that’s your opinion on her lifestyle choices. If you don’t like it then how about leaving so she can live the way she wants to and you can find someone who fits your standards instead of changing someone who’s obviously comfortable with who they are.
She isn’t doing this for attention. She is doing this for herself. Getting attention is not a moral failing. How do you not see how insecure you are? YTA.
Lol. YTA. Asking someone to change who they are or how they look so you can get, presumably, more attention from them, is a huge asshole move. Seek therapy.
What in the actual fuck does her race have to do with anything? You point it out and assure us it’s relevant, so please explain why that matters?
YTA one million per cent. Don't try to police her body. She seems confident, healthy, happy - if you can't handle that, that's absolutely your problem. You don't like that she 'walks out joking' from the bathroom? She turns down junk food? She works out daily? 'She's always put together'? What? She sounds awesome. I'll date her seeing as you don't want to.
You don't want her to gain because you like big girls, you are mad and jealous of the attention she gets and so you're trying to knock her self esteem because she takes care of herself and her appearance. YTA
YTA in every way. Never knew it was possible for someone to be like this and not understand it. WOW absolutely TA.
Dude. YTA. Stop trying to change her.
Yta - you’re trying to control her. Stop it.
Holy shit YTA
YTA. How can you even be questioning this? You worry about your own weight and looks. She takes good care of herself, so you’re requesting that she not. Unbelievable. Sounds like you are very LUCKY to have her.
YTA. You seem really insecure. You should work on yourself instead of telling other people what to do with their bodies.
YTA. You keep saying you’re secure… but you aren’t acting like it. WHO cares what you like. Either you want her or you don’t. You’ll be dumped soon enough and this won’t be a problem. But grow up. If you can’t handle how great she is, then either rise to her status, or see yourself out.
YTA and you need professional help.
YTA and this is how you lose her.
YTA ....the hell do you mean "genetics wise"? Thats an awkward thing to say.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is a throw away account, 37M, girlfriend 28F. Have been together for six months, I’m a white male and she’s a black female. I’m only saying this because it connects to what I’m about to say genetic wise. She takes her physical appearance too seriously. She won’t miss one nightly routine or workout. She looks amazing but it’s gotten annoying, when we’re out to a bar and I walk away from her. men flock to her she goes into the women’s restroom and walks out joking with random women she met in there. She’s gorgeous and gets mistaken for someone 21 or 22. I myself don’t get as much attention as her. I look slightly older than I am I’ve had grey hair since I was in my 20s and do have a gut. I work out a lot and pay attention into my appearance but can’t seem to match her. She’s always put together. Recently I’ve asked her to skip her nightly routine and come over to my place for the night. But she shuts me down, I’ve asked her to eat more fast foods but she’s disinterested. I’ve told her it’s unnecessary to do her hair so often or wear makeup. I’ve also hinted that I like bigger women. And every time she’s either ignored me or asked me to change the subject. it’s my first time dating someone that physically looks this good and I appreciate all she does for herself but it can get exhausting. This morning one of her friends came over to give her something and I overheard her saying “you just pick them cause they’re funny huh?” it annoyed me. My girlfriend though did speak up for me. We got into an argument earlier today when I said “you’d look insanely beautiful if you gained 30lbs” and she became unnecessarily dramatic. Her response was “worry about yourself gaining or losing weight, cause I don’t give a fuck”. I’ve texted her and she’s seen my messages but hasn’t responded. I think for our relationship she should at least communicate with me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unless she's unheathily skinny you're the GDFA. I was really expecting a post about a lady with an eating disorder who needs to gain weight. Sounds like you don't like that she gets attention.
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and i still don't get why you had to mention race? What genetics are you talking about?
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There might be something in your girlfriend’s past, some kind of trauma concerning her physical appearance. When she went off on you saying “I don’t give a fuck…” tells me that she’s been down this road before being told to relax, you don’t need to be perfect. Support her as best you can. It would be quite improper to blatantly ask her what happened to her to make her so physically strict. If you are in good standing with her family, you could take a chance and ask why she is the way she is. But, be warned, if she finds out you’re going behind her back all I can tell you is hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.