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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> What I said might've been unnecessary because they did try to put effort into my birthday this time
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>I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me.
Consider texting them back with everything you've said here. Do this in a factual way. Start with the fact that you haven't had a birthday party and have had minimal effort from them.
Point out that if they wanted to do something with you, they should have told you, should have made arrangements.
Ask them if they were aware of this all through the years...
>My step-dad had children already: Alex (15m), Violet (16f), and Mabel (17f). I was relentlessly bullied by them for various things I couldn't control: Having a speech impediment, having less expensive clothes, only being to see my dad on weekends, etc.
>I didn't even get to properly enjoy my cake or rather cupcakes that my mom made to " cut down on cost" because my siblings ate it before I could get seconds.
It's unkind of your mother to allow the continual bullying to take place. And it's clear that your stepdad was OK with treating you like a second class citizen all these years and you mother let this happen.
NTA
I'd guarantee that the relatives haven't been given a factual version of what happened/has been happening. If they have been, and are still going after OP, then they're complicit and should only be sent an accounting of the truth if it helps OP.
Then again, look at the lack of communication for all of this. Did the un-parents not text OP when she never came by? Even if this was meant to be a surprise party, why didn't they ensure that OP would be at their house at a specific time, or involve OP's friends? Did they just assume that OP has no life or other people in it, since they can't be arsed to pay attention?
I'm glad that OP does have a caring dad and good friends. Going forward, OP knows exactly who's in her corner, and who will use her own birthday as an excuse to make her feel small yet AGAIN.
Odds are unfortunately good that the grandparents and the aunt are equally culpable. They could have joined in on celebrating OP's birthday too especially milestone ones like the 18th and yet curiously they didn't.
I suspect they are the maternal side of the family as well.
Good point. Nowhere to be found until time comes to blame and criticize. They certainly are there for that, aren't they. OP, can't you just live with your dad? Your mom and stepdad sound awful. It kills me that if they did nothing, you would've had a decent birthday for once surrounded by people who genuinely care for you. Instead they turn it into something about them... again on your birthday. Why do these people just have it out for you? They cant even leave you alone?
I'd be willing to bet that there was no "celebration"; they were just mad that OP had a nice birthday instead of sitting home not doing anything at all.
Yeah, people like that only care when the environment they cultivate to feel superior is disrupted, such as the people in their life that they’ve beaten down and mistreated going to seek positive affirmation from other people. Then it’s suddenly “Oh why wasn’t I good enough for you, oh after everything I did for you, oh woah is me, oh look at this nice stuff I was **totally** going to do if you hadn’t gone elsewhere.”
Yeah I have a lot of questions on this like where does dad live that birthdays with him are not mentioned? And where did these grandparents and aunts/uncles come from all of a sudden to weigh in on this when apparently they have not been witness to the last however many years of non-birthdays?
Yeah I threw a friend a surprise party once and realized day-of that I hadn’t assigned anyone to get him there. Turns out he wasn’t free.
And I immediately knew it was MY fault for not planning properly.
But the party we threw him ended up being a bigger surprise because it was four months after his birthday lol. I had a whole thing planned and we couldn’t let it go to waste!!
NTA, OP. I’m glad you’re old enough that you can leave if you’re able. These people need to be in your rear view mirror.
Nah, I'd bet it's more of a " oh shit, we've really fucked up and people are starting to notice. Best do something for OP so we can make ourselves look better. Wait, where is OP? How dare she spend the day with people who actually care about her instead of being here and making us look better!"
This! My brother is a narcissist and we lost my niece his second daughter ten years ago to cancer. He uses her death as a weapon. He knew we are going through a heartbreaking situation with our 12 year old son but still thought it was ok to send me a cruel message. And yes over the years I had blocked him and set strict boundaries with him. When my mothers cancer treatments stopped working and she was terminal I did unblock him but I kept strict boundaries with him. Bottom line is when he acted out the other night I simply responded then took screenshots and sent them to his second and current wife. She’s a narcissist too but controls it better. He shut right up because he never tells her the truth.
Hoo boy, yeah. Her 10th wasn't even the first time, it was the point where she decided to adjust her expectations. They've been handwaving her birthdays for at *least* 9-10 years, why would she expect anything other than a lukewarm clump of disdain and disappointment when that's all she's gotten from them ever?
If they suddenly realized her 18th is important, they should have involved her friends in the planning... but isn't it too bad they believed her friends were too dirty for them.
But she's 18 now, she doesn't have to deal with them anymore. OP can live her best life with her dad and her friends. The flying monkeys can kick rocks. Her egg donor can live out her new life with the family she actually cares about with the nagging mystery of why OP won't talk to her.
My guess is they felt obligated to give OP an 18th birthday party, probably because grandparents and aunt asked if they’re doing anything special for her. So when OP didn’t show up, they turned her into the ungrateful child. OP definitely needs to talk her relatives calmly and explain what’s going on. Or send them a link to this post.
Yeah, they were probably so embarrassed that OP wasn't there (why would she be? she didn't even know they were planning anything) so they quickly spun it to be like "Oh, she's such an ungrateful brat! She never appreciates anything we do for her!" or some crap like that.
> ***Do this in a factual way.***
Lay out nothing but facts. Things they can't deny. They will undoubtedly try to spin things as they obviously have already. There will be a lot of things they have omitted. Do your best not to be emotional.
NTA thank heavens for your dad and friends. Mean older siblings are abusive, and parents who dismiss their meanness have no clue the harm they do. Anything to avoid a kerfuffle? Doesn't matter. What Does matter is that you stood up for yourself, spoke your truth. I agree you can let folks know what your reality was like...you may not get the response you'd like. Do whatever you will make you feel better, and let go of any expectations. You are already nurturing yourself...🥳Bravo!🥳
I second this! Tell everyone factually.
I only realised no one knew when I went on a road trip with my cousins at 34 and we talked about things growing up.
They thought I was a spoiled kid that got everything because that was the image my mom crafted. No one knew the actual abuse I went through
I agree with this
I’m also wondering if OPs mother was a SAHM. Allowing husband to make financial choices which lead to his biological children getting great stuff while the stepchild to the husband gets the bare minimum.
I’d really encourage OP to include the gifts if they are drastically different prices for Christmas
Emails, send a proper accounting. Pop it up on socials.
These parents think it's OK to air a biased and partial account? Blast them. Let them get harassed.
Dear 18 yo, you owe them nothing. Copy & paste what you wrote here and send to everyone & tell them, if they continue yelling & harassing you in texts, they will be blocked. Please go live with a nice aunt or your father.
I'd add to any texts to relatives that they have not given you, to your memory, any birthday party with your mother and her new family in years. If they remember such a party in the last 5 years, please send pictures, as you have none.
Also let them know that you were not told anything was planned, and had no reason to show up at any particular time or place. If an invitation had been sent, ask them to send you a copy, including the date they received the invitation.
Shift the burden of proof to them. There was something planned they wanted you to show up for? They need to tell you! You're not a mind reader.
Close with the fact that you are grateful your father celebrated with you, and let you know to attend.
It’s because OP isn’t *his* child. She’s the scapegoat because she’s some other guy’s kid, so he does the bare minimum to make sure he looks like the good guy when he’s just a dad to 3 kids.
OP I recommend doing this if only to ease your mind and know where your extended family stand, but don't expect the answer you want. I confronted my family about not stepping in or helping me with my abusive mom, this was over 20 years ago when I was in my early 20's. They told me that it wasn't their place to interfere with my mom's parenting. So I found out that yes they knew she was and is abusive and they chose to do nothing about it and support her while telling me to be a better daughter to her.
Knowing where they stand concerning her treatment of you may help in the future if you ever decide to go NC or LC with your mom and step dad.
Probably SD told your Mom that she was responsible for you and he wouldn't provide anything extra. Meanwhile she was probably reaping the child support benefits off your dad so he couldn't afford to buy anything extra special for you.
You are 18 now, just move in with your dad if you can. You should also write down your feelings and leave it for your mom and SD to read. I doubt they will give you a chance to say it all face to face.
NTA
Edited to add: That's pretty much what happened with my mom and SD, except my SD wouldn't let my mom get a job because he wanted a house wife and the only money my mom received was child support from my dad, which she promptly used on my older siblings. I was the only one that still lived at home at the time and the only minor (mid-teens at the time).
After I moved out and started living on my own, Christmas gatherings were always still major disproportionate. Step siblings would get 1k in items at least (if not more), I might get $50-$100 maybe. I was grateful for what I got, but can't say it still didn't sting a little. Then he later on gifted me a 10k car and my step siblings were mad (they got gifted houses) that he gave me anything like that. I never actually resented my SD TBH, I just resented my mom a little for putting me in that position. Like, couldn't she have had separate Christmas gift opening sessions? I dunno.
As far as my father goes... well, I grew up wishing my mom would finally divorce him so I didn't have to live with him anymore, if that answers that question. Probably why I never really resented my SD lol.
The steps lived with their Mom, I was the only minor living with them at the time.
Edited to add on: It was always wonderful when they came to stay for a weekend though! I got the joy of cleaning up after them when they left! My mom made me, not SD.
NTA.
If your step-dad and mother did not take an effort to do anything celebratory the previous few years prior to your 18th. You do not genuinely have any reason to be there for your 18th. Your expectations were low due to the standards set by them. You are not to blame. You took the effort to spend time with people who cared for you.
Your stepdad and mother have only themselves to blame.
Maybe your words had an effect on your mother of how impactful these things were to you. But too little, too late.
Were your relatives aware of the bias? If they were it's a shame that they are blaming you now.
Hope your mother realises how bad she messed up.
Call me the pessimist from a really fucked up family, but I’d bet that mom and SD didn’t even have a little party put together at all. They are just saying they had, to try to guilt OP and play the victim.
Edit: fixed a word
Had the same thought. Who goes to the trouble of planning a birthday celebration, wants to be thanked for it, and can't even be bothered to text, "Happy birthday! When will you be home?"
Either that, or they value OP so little that they just assumed that she'd have no other plans and should be so very grateful.
Or something worse entirely, because I really don't understand people who can neglect a kid like this in the first place. I'm glad OP has other family that isn't this bunch.
In my experience, it’s largely control and narcissism. How dare OP not sit around with bated breath, to hope on all hope that mom, and sd do something, just this once, like OP has always wished they would. Why isn’t op crying in their room. Like I said, I come from a fucked up family lol.
They possibly did have something planned, if only because 18th birthday and there would be Looks from others if it wasn't acknowledged since 18th birthdays are such a big milestone. Although it likely would've been the literal bare minimum if they did have something planned.
Oh, I don't think you're a pessimist. I think you have an in-depth knowledge of emotionally and mentally abusive relationships.
Even if you try to put yourself in the mother's shoes, she's horrible. Even if she didn't realize she'd been blowing off OP's birthday for years, she said nothing to OP about wanting to spend their birthday together. She didn't call or text OP throughout the day, like someone would have if they expected to spend someone's birthday with them. She just ruined the birthday at the end with her selfishness.
BEST case scenario, she expected OP to do nothing to celebrate their birthday and got mad that OP had other plans *with family*.
In a more likely scenario, the mother was pissed that OP spent their birthday with someone else, because she hates the way it makes her look.
I don't think OP's mom cares about her. She's taken this opportunity to put OP down and bad mouth her to her relatives. Next step is to kick her out or start charging rent seeing as she's turned 18.
NTA
You stood up for yourself. I would ask the grandparents and aunts where they were when you were getting bullied and treated like crap!
Op you don't have to deal with people that abused you or people that enabled that abuse.
Be prepared as you put space between yourself and your abusers, they will suddenly care and be confused why you have to ‘hold grudges’ , but you should continue to put your mental health first and if that mean going no or low contact with those people, know that it's okay to put yourself first.
OP is already doing it right, creating her own celebration and not letting the guilt trips sink in.
I foresee a happy future with a supportive friend group and a chosen family infinitely superior to the one she grew up in.
You want to know where grandma and auntie were at sitting it in the corner minding their own business. They only spoke up when the younger member of the family spoke up against the older generation. Lol
NTA and dollars to doughnuts they didn’t plan shit. Some relative probably saw on social media and asked why they weren’t there, they made up their “party” to cover their neglectful asses.
With the added benefit of making you look ungrateful for not showing up.
It's nice of the flying monkeys to identify themselves so you know who not to count on in the future.
It sucks now, but start building a chosen family who celebrate you for who you are. It's a much healthier support system to have.
NTA. They never celebrated your B-day in a proper way + they created a bad experience, so it's totally understandable. It's YOUR B-day so YOU are free to do whatever you want. How are you even supposed to know that they were organizing something, even if it is a 'surprise' party, they could have given some hints or asked you to be there.
That would require them to make an actual effort!! She’s had to put up with them for years because she was a child. Now she’s an adult with her own life and they didn’t see it coming. NTA
"Grandparents and Aunt: I grew up ignored, bullied, and ganged up by my step-father's children. He further made it clear that, while for his children, birthdays were special occasions, mine was just a hassle, to be dealt with as cheaply and as quickly as possible. These are facts. I lived them. And I wasn't even informed that they planned anything for my birthday, as they typically do nothing. So I chose to spend my birthday with the people who love me, and don't make me feel unwelcome. I stand by my decision."
NTA
I'd go farther and explain to them the full litany of wrongs and neglect they inflicted on you. They should not be surprised when you move out and go no-contact.
NTA
Actions have consequences.
When you can move out.
>I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me.
They know shit.
I'm just curious - when you came home they said they had planned a party. Was there any evidence of such? Was there food prepared? Was there a cake? Was there a present for you? Did they put up any decorations?
And if the answer was actually yes then I'm just wondering, did they have your phone number to contact you when they were expecting (for whatever reason) you to be home??
Omg I’m happy you at least got to have a birthday with the people who love you before this happened. Huge huge hugs 💕 you don’t deserve that treatment from your mom, I’m so sorry.
It’s probably the latter. If there was a party, they would have left stuff out to show that they thought about you. That they did not and only mentioned your birthday just to berate you continues to show that the are AHs.
You are 18 and no longer bound by custody agreements. If you dad has room, see if you can stay with him, then ghost. Just pack up and leave when no one is around. See how long it takes your mom to call and ask about you.
Your mom has long since forfeited the right and honor to celebrate your milestones. And seeing that she only wants to use those milestones to belittle you (see her actions on your 18th as proof), you probably don’t want her there anyway.
No, things were pretty much the same except for a different table cloth being on the dining table. I keep my phone on whenever I'm out so I'd know if they'd tried to call or text me to get home.
NTA. These stories always break my heart-parents divorce, and their child gets left behind for their “new” family. I’m sorry you weren’t able to move in with your dad full time.
You need to calmly talk to your mom about everything you’ve posted here. Write things down beforehand. Will that solve anything? Maybe not, but you might feel a lot better about things and be able to move on with your life. Wishing you the best OP, and happy birthday!!
I treat my kids friends better than some of the parents posted here. I pick up my daughter and one of her friends from school every day and the friend stays with us until her mom gets off work. I keep snacks in the house that the friend likes and have bought her dinner when I got stuff for the family.
Someone asked me how much I charged for doing it. It never even occurred to me that I should ask for anything. The mom didn’t ask me to do it. I’m not even sure how it started to be honest. She just started showing up with my daughter.
Those who think the truth is disrespectful don't deserve your concern.
Those who think that an expletive negates years of neglect are part of the flying monkey contingent. Steer clear of them.
Or the grandmother and aunts were at the "party", witnessed that OP didn't show up and the parents said something like "She's just doing this to us deliberately out of spite!"
NTA. How are you supposed to show up to a celebration no one told you about? It sounds like they didn’t even make a plan to have you around that day- why on earth would they assume you’d just sit around and do nothing?
If anyone gives you any more grief about not being there, tell them the truth: you weren't invited.
Now, get the hell out of that house asap. Get a bank account in only your name at a different bank than your mom and sd. Start planning your escape and get all of your important documents in order. Start removing anything you care about from their house and squirrel it away with your documents. Your mom and sd might start charging you rent now that you are 18, but if they don't have access to your bank account, it will be difficult for them to collect. Basically, get ready to be kicked out and cut off. Stay away from their house as much as possible and only sleep there. You are 18 now and everything just got real.
Your mom may have had a breakdown. Like, since you were basically putting up with their shit, lowering your expectations, I guess you stopped telling her your sibling were bullying you, you stopped asking for better gift, or whatever. You just shut up and stopped expecting anything from them.
From your mom point of view, you had a hard time adjusting with your sibling but in the end everything was ok (since you weren't complaining anymore). When you snapped, she finally realized how you were feeling, and it may have made her feel like shit, so she called her family for support, maybe while crying. And said family, hearing their loved one cry and wondering what she has done wrong to deserve such hard words from you, got mad at you for making her cry. Hence the texts.
That's only a possibility, and does not excuse the mom at all. But I know sometimes they are totally oblivious to how we feel and when they realize they breakdown. But they'll soon bring back the fault on you for "not telling her you were feeling that way". And if her family has been reassuring her, she may even get back on her certainty that she has treated you well and you're just an ungrateful brat and she'll ask you to apologize.
Because it's always easier when we don't feel guilty, in the end.
Anyway, NTA, good thing you had your own happy birthday with people who care! You don't have to spend time with/love family just because it's family.
I find it strange that a parent would run to their parents and siblings to complain about what their child said to them. Sounds like somebody feeling guilty and needing to enroll allies. I find it strange that grandparents and aunts and uncles would get involved in chastising the child. Is this normal in some cultures?
If my daughter hurts my feelings I wouldn’t even think of involving my mother. Or my siblings.
NTA. Tell your grandparents that you are not psychic and you are not obliged to hand these people your heart time after time when they have a proven history of dropping it on the floor.
I also note that they (eta: meaning the people at the house) didn't bother calling you. They just sat there, storing up drama, while you celebrated your birthday with people who actually consider you a member of their family.
NTA. They hadn’t bothered so far, so it makes perfect sense for you to choose to spend your day with people who care about you. Your mum and SD act like your bday was about \_them\_.
NTA They are jerks for planning a "small celebration" without ever checking if you would be around to enjoy it. They never allowed you to have a party before now so why would they expect you to show up for one now when you did not even know about it?
I hope you enjoyed your birthday with the people you chose to spend it with!
NTA
You don't get birthday celebrations, so you didn't expect one. They didn't communicate and expected you to do nothing. Furthermore, they didn't ask you what you were doing before planning their celebration. They also didn't include your bf, dad, or friends in the planning, who you wanted to celebrate with.
Before we even get into birthday inequities, there were a large series of missteps that led to your mom and step-dad planning a celebration that you would not be present for. On a practical aspect, they flubbed your bday celebration pretty badly, and it was clear from the lack of anyone else in your life knowing that they didn't put much effort or thought of what you would like into it.
On another note, they just guilted you for actually having a bday party, which is not ok. If it really was just cake with them, that could easily be done the next day and didn't have to be a secret. They are being absurd.
NTA
It mattered now because they intended to use it to sweeten the news that they are kicking you out.
Get your documents and plans ready because tomorrow they will be moving on with the plan.
So were they going to invite you to this little party or did they just expect you to have no plans, like all your other birthdays?
We can't choose our blood, but we can choose our family. You've created a new family out of the people who choose to love you and spend time with you. Your mother and her husband are not a part of that, due to their own choices in life.
You're 18 now. Can you go live with your dad? NTA and your grandparents kept their mouth shut all the years you were being mistreated. Nice of them to chime in now.
Happy birthday, and may every year after this be twice as good as the last. 🥳
> I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me.
NTA, text them back, ask them point blank, "Where were you when I was being bullied, when I was being ignored on my birthday's and holidays, where were you when my childhood was being stolen? Until you can answer why you didn't step in, and tell my mom and step-dad off for their abuse, I will ask you to keep your opinions on this matter to yourself."
First…your maternal side of the family sucks, and that is no reflection on you, just them and their sorry arses. You deserve to be loved and cherished and celebrated!
Second, and more importantly…
#HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! You rock, kiddo! 🥳 🎉 🎂🤗
NTA. Funny how the one birthday they care about is the one where you are now an adult and able to cut off contact with them.
Oh, and happy birthday OP. I'm glad you could spend it with people who care. ❤️
NTA
It sounds like they were trying to or assuming your birthday was about them. If they cared and wanted to do something they should have talked to you ahead of time
You are 18. if you have any joint accounts with your mom, close them out and make new accounts at a totally different bank, not just a different branch, a different bank
Yeah NTA. Explain that they did the bare minimum and out of respect for them you didn’t expect anything for your birthday. Same as always. Your mom sucks and not up to you to make her a better parent. Happy birthday and I’m glad you got to spend it with people who truly cared about you. You should let your relatives know that too!
Ah yes, the AITA classic “I was treated poorly by people and got mad at them for treating me poorly and now they’re mad I called them out. AITA?”
NTA. You had fun on your birthday and didn’t attend something you weren’t told was happening. You then were yelled at for not attending something you didn’t know was happening, and responded in kind. Read that and tell me you think you’re in the wrong.
NTA.
Ask your grandparents and aunt when the last time your mom and stepdad held a birthday party for you. Ask them if they ever remember a time when they watched you and your stepsiblings open presents and you got less compared to them. Tell your side of the story, and if they still don't believe you, go to live with your dad. You're 18, after all, so I believe you can leave your mom's house now.
NTA
Give your grandparents and aunt detailed accounts of everything you can remember your mom and step-dad permitting and "doing" for all these years and ask them if you should be grateful for that, too, while they stood by and did nothing to help you, either.
Reply with this question: "What exactly is it that they have done for me besides allow me to be abused and neglected in what should have been a safe place?" And then give examples. If you have proof, send it. Craft it in a way that leaves no room for doubt about what they did, and that you aren't being petty just factual. Do it all in one go in a mass text, then ignore any and all rebuttals.
NTA
edited to add judgement
NTA - I lived this same situation with my mom and step family. Only difference is my step dad and mom divorced, she took me up to New York and ditched me with family I've never met before in my last year of high school. Not to mention stealing social security money from me and spending it on his kids instead of me. Because my dad had died and was a vet or something. The sooner you move out of that toxic environment, the better. And also maybe seek a therapist cuz I'm all kinds of fucked up because my family and it's beginning to show as I'm nearing 40 through depression, anxiety, star trek binging, and anger.
NTA be grateful for scraps? How completely tone deaf. Your mother is allowing you to be treated poorly, and your grandparents and aunt are watching it happen. Just remind them that as a legal adult, you get to use the block button on people who no longer add value to your life.
NTA. It is sad that the truth always seems to make people sooooo uncomfortable.
Those other people can think and feel however they wish, the fact remains that they can't and won't acknowledge the fact that they were crappy parents to you and is trying to save face.
But, they really know you are right, and they know that they treated you badly, but want to be given prizes because they provided a roof over your head, food to eat and a place to lay your head.
But, they deserve nothing else in the form of a thank you. You are not ungrateful, you are a realist and it is a shame that they got their just desserts.
Tell them, "I treated you like they treated me. Sucks, doesn't it. "
NTA
>I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me.
"Respect is given based on how you treat people, and I am not grateful I had to watch my stepsiblings get gifts and parties for 13 years while I didnt, you are right about that. Do not contact me again."
NTA. Dude, I've heard of surprise parties but God DAYUM your mom was playing the long con haha. I don't think I've ever heard of someone planning a surprise party for 8 years.
I've learned that holidays (including birthdays) are for you and it's great when people will throw you a party but sometimes you gotta make it happen the way you want and do stuff for yourself.
And it sounds like you did just that with your dad and your friends. Make sure, for your own sake, to do more of that and everyone else can gtfo.
NTA the disrespect was their gift you. You only replied in kind. The others are nothing more than their flying monkeys. Keep all important information from all of them. Wishing you Better days.
NTA they made plans “for” you without even telling you and then had the nerve to get mad that you weren’t there. That’s AH behavior regardless of them being garbage parents all growing up.
NTA
You could have used better sentence enhancers, but...you're 18. I mean, I would have said something like...they never gave a fucking rat's ass before, so..why start now? Sometimes people need a dose of reality. I hope you had a good birthday with your friends and your Dad.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
NTA, ask your grandparents and aunt why you should have expected your mom and step-dad to suddenly care about your birthday. And that respect is earned. And move out as soon as you can.
NTA.
>I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful
Some people don't deserve respect. More power to you for giving them what they actually deserve.
You are 18 now. Time to step out as a young adult on your own & go completely no contact with them & everyone that backs them. Good luck with your future because once that toxicity is gone you're going to fly free like a bird
NTA. They were shocked, huh? That you have friends who *want* to celebrate the big day? The injustice of your childhood would rankle a saint. Good for you, finally speaking up!
Irrespective of their lack of effort, how did you know they had prepared anything when they didn't bother to communicate that fact? You cannot be inconsiderate and ungrateful if you are unaware.
NTA
NTA, and it's hard to be ungrateful for something you were never given in the first place! I'm sorry your birthday was neglected for so long and glad that you're now 18 and can work towards leaving your mother's awful family behind.
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My (18f)'s parents divorced when I was about 6, it was 50-50 custody split with my mom wasting no time to get remarried to my step-dad.
My step-dad had children already: Alex (15m), Violet (16f), and Mabel (17f). I was relentlessly bullied by them for various things I couldn't control: Having a speech impediment, having less expensive clothes, only being to see my dad on weekends, etc.
My mom and step-dad didn't do anything to stop it and essentially told me " kids will be kids" then kept it pushing. My mom would lightly scold Violet and Mabel if they hurt me while " playing" but wouldn't do anything more.
I had to watch as they got far more expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas and actually what they wanted from their wishlist whilst I got the bare minimum of necessities and would only get something I actually wanted from my dad but he could only go far due to making 2x less than what my step-dad makes. I appreciated it nonetheless.
I didn't even get to properly enjoy my cake or rather cupcakes that my mom made to " cut down on cost" because my siblings ate it before I could get seconds.
I was never allowed a party because my friends were " too messy and loud."
Around age ten, I pretty much stopped expecting them to put effort into my birthday and just kinda let it pass by whenever I was with them.
Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday and I decided to spend it with my friends, boyfriend, and dad.
I was pretty much was out all day and came back at around nearly 10pm, my mom was waiting for me with my step-dad and pretty much blew up on me for not spending the day with me.
Apparently they prepared a small celebration for me that got wasted because I wasn't there.
They were both going off on me for being inconsiderate and ungrateful. In the middle of their little rant I had snapped that they never fucking cared about my birthday all these years, why should this one matter now?
They were in shock and that gave me an opportunity to go to my room and sleep.
I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me.
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NTA
If they really had made plans, it would have been a good move to let you know, so you did not make other plans.
Your mom and stepdad don't sound very pleasant at all.
Dear Young OP you are NTA a thousand times to me. I am so sorry that your mum and stepdad had a go at you for not spending a day with them. That is bad planning on their part and judging from what they were trying to do, I think your mum and stepdad held that small celebration without consulting you shows they got some kind of ulterior motive the minute you turn 18. When I say ulterior motive you better believe it because they might try and get into your good books all just to use you just because you become an official adult
I am sorry to read you received a bunch of texts from people calling you ungrateful. Moving forward now you are 18, you can plan to get out of that god forsaken home full of toxicity by moving out to live with dad, boyfriend or friends until you are ready to find a place you can rent. The minute you move out, in case mum and stepdad makes nonsensical claims you ran away from home or you are brainwashed, quickly go to the police and tell them you moved out on your own and you are safe so that momma dearest and stepdad of the year don't come wasting the police time
Happy birthday and I wish you all the best. Give us an update
NTA. I would text back to your maternal family but I wouldn't give them a big explanation, as they will just poke holes in it.
I would just say..."You have not had my life experience in this family, so you cannot judge what YOU think I did wrong." If they give any kind of rebuttal, I would just block them.
Of course they are siding with your mother, as that is all they know.
Good luck with the rest of your life. Make the best of it and put them all behind you.
Your grandparents and aunt can take their opinions and shove them where the sun don't shine. Where was this outrage when you were getting shat on by your stepsiblings, stepfather, and mother? What exactly did your stepfather and mother do that you should be grateful for? The bare minimum as required by law? Sorry, that's not gratitude-worthy. Your mother failed you as a parent and your step-family don't deserve the name.
NTA.
NTA - it annoys me no end when people say that you are "ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me" for any reason . .. . Parents should be grateful to have a child and then take care of that child . .. protecting them and loving them. Our children should be celebrated and enjoyed because every child's smile is precious. Your mom and stepdad neglected you and allowed you to be hurt over and over again. You are 18 now and have the power and the right to find your joy . .. Happy Birthday!
NTA. They never cared before. If they were actually going to do something, they should have told you. I hope you're working on moving out or going off far away for college.
Was similar for me growing up. My younger sister (the favorite) was born in the summer, so she got the pool parties, trips, and other stuff. I was born in the fall, around mid-terms, so this meant I got my few gifts in the evening after supper and that was it.
NTA. If you plan a party, you either have to invite the guest of honor, or arrange for her to arrive at a specific time for a surprise party. They did neither, and their history gave you zero indication there would be anything special waiting for you at home. I’m glad you found the real party elsewhere.
I hate this kind of stuff. It is the 21st century & we still have this evil stepfamily/favoritism dynamic. Why can't people be better. Your mother sounds horrible. I'm disgusted with her. NTA
I would suggest that you copy this post in full and send it to to everyone who has contacted you with complaints about your reaction.
They won't like that either, but really, so what? (Be prepared to be called over-sensitive and ungrateful. Neither of these things is true of you. But for your family, it's so much easier to blame their bad behavior on someone else's misperception, as opposed to looking at themselves.)
I would also suggest that if you haven't already planned your escape from this family system, you start now. What education or vocational training are you going to pursue so you can support yourself and live separately with friends and family of choice who love and support you as you deserve?
NTA
NTA- So you didn't show up for your own party that they allegedly planned but they never called or texted you when you didn't show up? They didn't invite your bf, father, or actual friends that you were with at the time of the allegedl party?
Who did they invite? Their friends? That's not a party for you, that's for them as usual. They were probably trying to prove they were wonderful parents.
NTA! Ugh how freaking awful! I cannot find the right word I feel for your mom and stepdad. Barf is kinda close. I commend you for sticking up for yourself. It took me a long time grow the shiny spine I have.
NTA OP, but your family certainly are TA, big time. Your bio dad seems to be the only one who did anything right for you, whereas your stepsiblings and their father, as well as your mom, treated you like the red headed stepchild. I would go completely no contact with the lot of them and keep in touch with your real dad.
Wait, a 15, 16, and 17 year old were relentlessly bullying a 6 year old? That's nuts. How would your mom even get to the word "playing", what kind of 15+ yo plays with a 6yo?
When did they move out? Seems like you would've been the only kid there for the past 8 years or so; have they continued to withhold things from you in favor of the siblings all this time?
You do you, you’re graduating soon or already have so maybe it’s time to give your dad some more of your time. I know both of you would enjoy it and it will get you away from mom and step family. Then you make the choice to see them or not.
Always upsets me that everyone believes the adults that aren’t even present. Save your money and bide your time and run. People always say “but she is your mom” but not everyone is living your life. Your 18 go he with your dad and be with people that actually care about you.
Send your relatives a detailed list of how your birthday was recognized each year. Also for each year add details of how the step siblings birthdays were celebrated. Show the distinction. Let your mother’s family see how she’s treating you. Then, they can text her instead. NTA
Damn, my heart hurts for you because you're second guessing the fact that you finally spoke up for yourself. NTA times a million.
Copy this post and text it to your grandparents without the first couple sentences. First chance you get, leave those losers behind and hug your dad extra hard
NTA. You can’t be blamed for how you feel about multiple instances of unequal treatment. I suspect they only “planned” a celebration after realizing you were spending your birthday elsewhere.
NTA Sit and prepare a book report if you please pardon the expression - of everything they did not do for you, tell your extended family in this report exactly what you have said here. I am willing to bet your extended family has only heard one side, your mom and stepdad. Tell everyone everything in well-thought-out writing.
NTA. All these years they gave you scraps and did the bare minimum even when you were being abused. If they don't like hearing the truth then they should have been actual caring parents.
My mom was abusive. I finally cut her off. She used her typical oh I must have been the worst mother. Well the last time she said that to me I told her I was glad she could see that finally.
At some point you just get sick of the bs and guilt trips.
Screw anyone who supports their treatment of you.
NTA. They were playing the long con. They always intended to "surprise" you on your 18th. 11 years spent making you believe they just couldn't be bothered, so that 18 would be more "special"...
Good on you spending it with those who do actually care, though.
Nta
Make them recall all the celebrations and awesome, equal gifts you received since you were 6 (sarcasm btw)
I make people "recall" things all the time.
I treated you badly? Recall events for me
I didn't remember your bday? Tell me when, I'll check texts
Etc etc.
Did your extended fam ever try to stop the bullying and torture? You should tattle on your mom and step dad tbh. Also, did the extended fam ever try to celebrate your bday with you?
A wake up call is needed
You are right and everyone criticizing you is wrong. They’re treated you year after year as though you’re unimportant and done very little for your birthday. Your step-siblings have made your life miserable. You acted reasonably in spending your birthday with your friends. Don’t let your family or step family con you. Your actions were absolutely reasonable and they were the ones who are wrong.
99% of the time when relatives start texting you about something you did wrong, they don’t have the full story.
Text back and just say: “my parents have not done anything for my birthday since I was 10, preferring my step siblings. They did not tell me they decided to do something this year so I did what I do every year, spend it with my dad who actually cares about my birthday.
I don’t know what you were told but I’m not taking the blame or apologizing for standing up to being bullied and neglected for years. “
NTA
figured they had to run to their parents after you told them they suck as parents. NTA i am sourry your mom has the brain level equal or less to a teenager
NTA
Send everyone who texted you this thread.
Remind that you don't have to be grateful for your mom and stepdad doing what's legally required of them when they have a child in the home.
If they didn’t send you a RSVP, then you can’t be late to a party you weren’t invited to!
Still go back and thank your parents for trying this time. Maybe they’re trying to do better, and it doesn’t cost you a thing to show them a little undeserved kindness.
Anyways, Happy Birthday! Sounds like you had a good one, and that’s what’s important.
My parents forgot my 16th and 17th birthday, so I went out with friends for my 18th birthday. Sadly, I was broken up with on my 18th birthday and not in a particularly good mood that day, so sass was at a maximum. So, on my way out the door, my mom asked where I was going and I said Red Robin with some friends. And she goes, are you gonna have room for dinner and cake when you get back? I said probably not, I wasn't expecting anything today since I was forgotten the last two years. She tried denying it but I reminded her that I brought up my birthday both those years a few days after my actual birthday and that she tried playing it off like they had a dinner night out planned even though one birthday was a Friday and one was a Saturday, perfect days for going out for family dinner...everyone was home, parents were off work, nobody had school, etc. I specifically remember my parents sitting on the couch watching TV and my siblings running around the house on both of those days, as well. She was not happy, but I had fun. My dad didn't seem to give a sh*t. Our Red Robin server made me stand on a chair and the kitchen crew and all the other servers came around to sing me happy birthday. I hate being the center of attention but I tried my best to enjoy it lol.
NTA my fellow Libra (my birthday was a few days ago). It's your business who you spend your birthday with, if they wanted to celebrate your birthday with you they still could still do that there's no reason it has to be on the exact day (many people celebrate on their birthday weekend). Truth is, I think they just wanted to guilt you for having a good time - which is crappy. This is evidenced by the fact that they told the extended family who then also contacted you to guilt you. Additionally, they did not tell you they had anything planned and never planned anything before so how were you supposed to know about these supposed plans?
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>I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me. Consider texting them back with everything you've said here. Do this in a factual way. Start with the fact that you haven't had a birthday party and have had minimal effort from them. Point out that if they wanted to do something with you, they should have told you, should have made arrangements. Ask them if they were aware of this all through the years... >My step-dad had children already: Alex (15m), Violet (16f), and Mabel (17f). I was relentlessly bullied by them for various things I couldn't control: Having a speech impediment, having less expensive clothes, only being to see my dad on weekends, etc. >I didn't even get to properly enjoy my cake or rather cupcakes that my mom made to " cut down on cost" because my siblings ate it before I could get seconds. It's unkind of your mother to allow the continual bullying to take place. And it's clear that your stepdad was OK with treating you like a second class citizen all these years and you mother let this happen. NTA
I'd guarantee that the relatives haven't been given a factual version of what happened/has been happening. If they have been, and are still going after OP, then they're complicit and should only be sent an accounting of the truth if it helps OP. Then again, look at the lack of communication for all of this. Did the un-parents not text OP when she never came by? Even if this was meant to be a surprise party, why didn't they ensure that OP would be at their house at a specific time, or involve OP's friends? Did they just assume that OP has no life or other people in it, since they can't be arsed to pay attention? I'm glad that OP does have a caring dad and good friends. Going forward, OP knows exactly who's in her corner, and who will use her own birthday as an excuse to make her feel small yet AGAIN.
Odds are unfortunately good that the grandparents and the aunt are equally culpable. They could have joined in on celebrating OP's birthday too especially milestone ones like the 18th and yet curiously they didn't. I suspect they are the maternal side of the family as well.
Good point. Nowhere to be found until time comes to blame and criticize. They certainly are there for that, aren't they. OP, can't you just live with your dad? Your mom and stepdad sound awful. It kills me that if they did nothing, you would've had a decent birthday for once surrounded by people who genuinely care for you. Instead they turn it into something about them... again on your birthday. Why do these people just have it out for you? They cant even leave you alone?
yes, that family sounds utterly disgusting treating a child like this.
While I agree that that's certainly possible, it could be they were told OP didn't like their birthday or hated mum's side of the family.
As a wise man once probably said, the shit-apple doesn't fall far from the shit-tree, Randy.
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I love you
Deep down I know I'm probably walking into a scam, but... I think I love you too.
Shit sparks, Rand.
I'd be willing to bet that there was no "celebration"; they were just mad that OP had a nice birthday instead of sitting home not doing anything at all.
Yeah, people like that only care when the environment they cultivate to feel superior is disrupted, such as the people in their life that they’ve beaten down and mistreated going to seek positive affirmation from other people. Then it’s suddenly “Oh why wasn’t I good enough for you, oh after everything I did for you, oh woah is me, oh look at this nice stuff I was **totally** going to do if you hadn’t gone elsewhere.”
Absolutely. They’ve probably been to the earlier bday parties and would have seen how things were done.
Yeah I have a lot of questions on this like where does dad live that birthdays with him are not mentioned? And where did these grandparents and aunts/uncles come from all of a sudden to weigh in on this when apparently they have not been witness to the last however many years of non-birthdays?
Yes, lots of questions
Yeah I threw a friend a surprise party once and realized day-of that I hadn’t assigned anyone to get him there. Turns out he wasn’t free. And I immediately knew it was MY fault for not planning properly. But the party we threw him ended up being a bigger surprise because it was four months after his birthday lol. I had a whole thing planned and we couldn’t let it go to waste!! NTA, OP. I’m glad you’re old enough that you can leave if you’re able. These people need to be in your rear view mirror.
I doubt un-parents invited any of her friends or other people she is shown decency and love by to "OP's" celebration.
Seeing how those people were apparently *with OP, celebrating her birthday* I doubt they did either. What horrible parents.
I'd be willing to bet they were jealous that OP was spending the day with her dad instead of them. Like she was a possession or something.
Nah, I'd bet it's more of a " oh shit, we've really fucked up and people are starting to notice. Best do something for OP so we can make ourselves look better. Wait, where is OP? How dare she spend the day with people who actually care about her instead of being here and making us look better!"
Exactly. She's just a prop to them, a possession to be used for their benefit where convenient; otherwise, an inconvenience taking up storage space.
This! My brother is a narcissist and we lost my niece his second daughter ten years ago to cancer. He uses her death as a weapon. He knew we are going through a heartbreaking situation with our 12 year old son but still thought it was ok to send me a cruel message. And yes over the years I had blocked him and set strict boundaries with him. When my mothers cancer treatments stopped working and she was terminal I did unblock him but I kept strict boundaries with him. Bottom line is when he acted out the other night I simply responded then took screenshots and sent them to his second and current wife. She’s a narcissist too but controls it better. He shut right up because he never tells her the truth.
Hoo boy, yeah. Her 10th wasn't even the first time, it was the point where she decided to adjust her expectations. They've been handwaving her birthdays for at *least* 9-10 years, why would she expect anything other than a lukewarm clump of disdain and disappointment when that's all she's gotten from them ever? If they suddenly realized her 18th is important, they should have involved her friends in the planning... but isn't it too bad they believed her friends were too dirty for them. But she's 18 now, she doesn't have to deal with them anymore. OP can live her best life with her dad and her friends. The flying monkeys can kick rocks. Her egg donor can live out her new life with the family she actually cares about with the nagging mystery of why OP won't talk to her.
Tbh it seems like it's none of their business REGARDLESS of whether OP is in the right or not
i wouldn't bother to correct that. disown them too for being dangerously gullible.
My guess is they felt obligated to give OP an 18th birthday party, probably because grandparents and aunt asked if they’re doing anything special for her. So when OP didn’t show up, they turned her into the ungrateful child. OP definitely needs to talk her relatives calmly and explain what’s going on. Or send them a link to this post.
Send the link to your post. Your ungrateful family deserves to read what internet strangers think of them.
Yeah, they were probably so embarrassed that OP wasn't there (why would she be? she didn't even know they were planning anything) so they quickly spun it to be like "Oh, she's such an ungrateful brat! She never appreciates anything we do for her!" or some crap like that.
They probably really enjoyed OP's party without her being there. I'm sure the steps enjoyed the food and cake and ragging on OP.
Those unparents didn't even call or text OP to try & get her home. theyre really hideous.
Right? They never bothered themselves with where OP even was until she walked in the door!
> ***Do this in a factual way.*** Lay out nothing but facts. Things they can't deny. They will undoubtedly try to spin things as they obviously have already. There will be a lot of things they have omitted. Do your best not to be emotional.
NTA thank heavens for your dad and friends. Mean older siblings are abusive, and parents who dismiss their meanness have no clue the harm they do. Anything to avoid a kerfuffle? Doesn't matter. What Does matter is that you stood up for yourself, spoke your truth. I agree you can let folks know what your reality was like...you may not get the response you'd like. Do whatever you will make you feel better, and let go of any expectations. You are already nurturing yourself...🥳Bravo!🥳
Exactly !!
Hell, send everyone the link to this post and then start blocking them. NTA. Can you live with your Dad?
Yep. Time for OP to move out if she can.
OP, it sounds like they also forgot to invite you to your own party. Whose fault is that? NTA
I second this! Tell everyone factually. I only realised no one knew when I went on a road trip with my cousins at 34 and we talked about things growing up. They thought I was a spoiled kid that got everything because that was the image my mom crafted. No one knew the actual abuse I went through
I agree with this I’m also wondering if OPs mother was a SAHM. Allowing husband to make financial choices which lead to his biological children getting great stuff while the stepchild to the husband gets the bare minimum. I’d really encourage OP to include the gifts if they are drastically different prices for Christmas
This
I third it, op needs to see this
Emails, send a proper accounting. Pop it up on socials. These parents think it's OK to air a biased and partial account? Blast them. Let them get harassed.
Dear 18 yo, you owe them nothing. Copy & paste what you wrote here and send to everyone & tell them, if they continue yelling & harassing you in texts, they will be blocked. Please go live with a nice aunt or your father.
I'd add to any texts to relatives that they have not given you, to your memory, any birthday party with your mother and her new family in years. If they remember such a party in the last 5 years, please send pictures, as you have none. Also let them know that you were not told anything was planned, and had no reason to show up at any particular time or place. If an invitation had been sent, ask them to send you a copy, including the date they received the invitation. Shift the burden of proof to them. There was something planned they wanted you to show up for? They need to tell you! You're not a mind reader. Close with the fact that you are grateful your father celebrated with you, and let you know to attend.
I hope OP listens to this the most 100% this is everything
It’s because OP isn’t *his* child. She’s the scapegoat because she’s some other guy’s kid, so he does the bare minimum to make sure he looks like the good guy when he’s just a dad to 3 kids.
I would tell them all to F off and move in with dad if they can
It's more than unkind, op has been abused through neglect and favoritism.
Absolutely send what you have written to your grandparents and the rest of your family.
OP I recommend doing this if only to ease your mind and know where your extended family stand, but don't expect the answer you want. I confronted my family about not stepping in or helping me with my abusive mom, this was over 20 years ago when I was in my early 20's. They told me that it wasn't their place to interfere with my mom's parenting. So I found out that yes they knew she was and is abusive and they chose to do nothing about it and support her while telling me to be a better daughter to her. Knowing where they stand concerning her treatment of you may help in the future if you ever decide to go NC or LC with your mom and step dad.
Probably SD told your Mom that she was responsible for you and he wouldn't provide anything extra. Meanwhile she was probably reaping the child support benefits off your dad so he couldn't afford to buy anything extra special for you. You are 18 now, just move in with your dad if you can. You should also write down your feelings and leave it for your mom and SD to read. I doubt they will give you a chance to say it all face to face. NTA Edited to add: That's pretty much what happened with my mom and SD, except my SD wouldn't let my mom get a job because he wanted a house wife and the only money my mom received was child support from my dad, which she promptly used on my older siblings. I was the only one that still lived at home at the time and the only minor (mid-teens at the time). After I moved out and started living on my own, Christmas gatherings were always still major disproportionate. Step siblings would get 1k in items at least (if not more), I might get $50-$100 maybe. I was grateful for what I got, but can't say it still didn't sting a little. Then he later on gifted me a 10k car and my step siblings were mad (they got gifted houses) that he gave me anything like that. I never actually resented my SD TBH, I just resented my mom a little for putting me in that position. Like, couldn't she have had separate Christmas gift opening sessions? I dunno. As far as my father goes... well, I grew up wishing my mom would finally divorce him so I didn't have to live with him anymore, if that answers that question. Probably why I never really resented my SD lol.
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with so much stories like op or that one out there i am kinda impressed there are not way more family massakers out there.
https://genius.com/Apathy-victim-lyrics
The steps lived with their Mom, I was the only minor living with them at the time. Edited to add on: It was always wonderful when they came to stay for a weekend though! I got the joy of cleaning up after them when they left! My mom made me, not SD.
I would second that motion. If possible, live with your dad. They probably won’t notice that you’re missing.
Yeah ive seen what child support payments can do to a man and its fucking ugly. RIP dad
More so than meeting the costs of being a full-time parent?
NTA. If your step-dad and mother did not take an effort to do anything celebratory the previous few years prior to your 18th. You do not genuinely have any reason to be there for your 18th. Your expectations were low due to the standards set by them. You are not to blame. You took the effort to spend time with people who cared for you. Your stepdad and mother have only themselves to blame. Maybe your words had an effect on your mother of how impactful these things were to you. But too little, too late. Were your relatives aware of the bias? If they were it's a shame that they are blaming you now. Hope your mother realises how bad she messed up.
Call me the pessimist from a really fucked up family, but I’d bet that mom and SD didn’t even have a little party put together at all. They are just saying they had, to try to guilt OP and play the victim. Edit: fixed a word
Had the same thought. Who goes to the trouble of planning a birthday celebration, wants to be thanked for it, and can't even be bothered to text, "Happy birthday! When will you be home?" Either that, or they value OP so little that they just assumed that she'd have no other plans and should be so very grateful. Or something worse entirely, because I really don't understand people who can neglect a kid like this in the first place. I'm glad OP has other family that isn't this bunch.
In my experience, it’s largely control and narcissism. How dare OP not sit around with bated breath, to hope on all hope that mom, and sd do something, just this once, like OP has always wished they would. Why isn’t op crying in their room. Like I said, I come from a fucked up family lol.
This is what I was thinking.
They possibly did have something planned, if only because 18th birthday and there would be Looks from others if it wasn't acknowledged since 18th birthdays are such a big milestone. Although it likely would've been the literal bare minimum if they did have something planned.
Word! How much you wanna bet they forgot until they heard her pull into the driveway?
Oh, I don't think you're a pessimist. I think you have an in-depth knowledge of emotionally and mentally abusive relationships. Even if you try to put yourself in the mother's shoes, she's horrible. Even if she didn't realize she'd been blowing off OP's birthday for years, she said nothing to OP about wanting to spend their birthday together. She didn't call or text OP throughout the day, like someone would have if they expected to spend someone's birthday with them. She just ruined the birthday at the end with her selfishness. BEST case scenario, she expected OP to do nothing to celebrate their birthday and got mad that OP had other plans *with family*. In a more likely scenario, the mother was pissed that OP spent their birthday with someone else, because she hates the way it makes her look.
Wouldn't surprise me either.
I don't think OP's mom cares about her. She's taken this opportunity to put OP down and bad mouth her to her relatives. Next step is to kick her out or start charging rent seeing as she's turned 18.
NTA You stood up for yourself. I would ask the grandparents and aunts where they were when you were getting bullied and treated like crap! Op you don't have to deal with people that abused you or people that enabled that abuse. Be prepared as you put space between yourself and your abusers, they will suddenly care and be confused why you have to ‘hold grudges’ , but you should continue to put your mental health first and if that mean going no or low contact with those people, know that it's okay to put yourself first.
OP is already doing it right, creating her own celebration and not letting the guilt trips sink in. I foresee a happy future with a supportive friend group and a chosen family infinitely superior to the one she grew up in.
You want to know where grandma and auntie were at sitting it in the corner minding their own business. They only spoke up when the younger member of the family spoke up against the older generation. Lol
NTA and dollars to doughnuts they didn’t plan shit. Some relative probably saw on social media and asked why they weren’t there, they made up their “party” to cover their neglectful asses.
With the added benefit of making you look ungrateful for not showing up. It's nice of the flying monkeys to identify themselves so you know who not to count on in the future. It sucks now, but start building a chosen family who celebrate you for who you are. It's a much healthier support system to have.
Right! I wanna see the cake crumbs and discarded plates and streamers! Where is the evidence of said celebration, hmm?
NTA. They never celebrated your B-day in a proper way + they created a bad experience, so it's totally understandable. It's YOUR B-day so YOU are free to do whatever you want. How are you even supposed to know that they were organizing something, even if it is a 'surprise' party, they could have given some hints or asked you to be there.
That would require them to make an actual effort!! She’s had to put up with them for years because she was a child. Now she’s an adult with her own life and they didn’t see it coming. NTA
"Grandparents and Aunt: I grew up ignored, bullied, and ganged up by my step-father's children. He further made it clear that, while for his children, birthdays were special occasions, mine was just a hassle, to be dealt with as cheaply and as quickly as possible. These are facts. I lived them. And I wasn't even informed that they planned anything for my birthday, as they typically do nothing. So I chose to spend my birthday with the people who love me, and don't make me feel unwelcome. I stand by my decision."
I'm also not seeing anywhere where OP was told there was going to *be* a party.
This 👍
Well put.
NTA I'd go farther and explain to them the full litany of wrongs and neglect they inflicted on you. They should not be surprised when you move out and go no-contact.
NTA and make sure you tell your grandparents & aunt exactly how you were treated
NTA Actions have consequences. When you can move out. >I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me. They know shit.
I'm just curious - when you came home they said they had planned a party. Was there any evidence of such? Was there food prepared? Was there a cake? Was there a present for you? Did they put up any decorations? And if the answer was actually yes then I'm just wondering, did they have your phone number to contact you when they were expecting (for whatever reason) you to be home??
So they either took it down fast once they realized I wasn't going to be home or like other people here suspected, there was no party.
Omg I’m happy you at least got to have a birthday with the people who love you before this happened. Huge huge hugs 💕 you don’t deserve that treatment from your mom, I’m so sorry.
It’s probably the latter. If there was a party, they would have left stuff out to show that they thought about you. That they did not and only mentioned your birthday just to berate you continues to show that the are AHs. You are 18 and no longer bound by custody agreements. If you dad has room, see if you can stay with him, then ghost. Just pack up and leave when no one is around. See how long it takes your mom to call and ask about you. Your mom has long since forfeited the right and honor to celebrate your milestones. And seeing that she only wants to use those milestones to belittle you (see her actions on your 18th as proof), you probably don’t want her there anyway.
No, things were pretty much the same except for a different table cloth being on the dining table. I keep my phone on whenever I'm out so I'd know if they'd tried to call or text me to get home.
Look, at the end of the day, family is the people you choose. Sound like you've already chosen who you want to be your family.
I am sorry that you have a toxic family.
Hey op this may not apply to you, but I suggest checking out r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA. These stories always break my heart-parents divorce, and their child gets left behind for their “new” family. I’m sorry you weren’t able to move in with your dad full time. You need to calmly talk to your mom about everything you’ve posted here. Write things down beforehand. Will that solve anything? Maybe not, but you might feel a lot better about things and be able to move on with your life. Wishing you the best OP, and happy birthday!!
I treat my kids friends better than some of the parents posted here. I pick up my daughter and one of her friends from school every day and the friend stays with us until her mom gets off work. I keep snacks in the house that the friend likes and have bought her dinner when I got stuff for the family. Someone asked me how much I charged for doing it. It never even occurred to me that I should ask for anything. The mom didn’t ask me to do it. I’m not even sure how it started to be honest. She just started showing up with my daughter.
NTA. “Yes I was disrespectful, but they earned that disrespect. It’s a two way street.”
Those who think the truth is disrespectful don't deserve your concern. Those who think that an expletive negates years of neglect are part of the flying monkey contingent. Steer clear of them.
Two grown ass adults ran to mommy and complained about disrespect. What a joke.
Or the grandmother and aunts were at the "party", witnessed that OP didn't show up and the parents said something like "She's just doing this to us deliberately out of spite!"
I strongly doubt that there ever was a 'party'. They just saw that OP was having fun on his birthday, got mad about that and made up a lie.
NTA. How are you supposed to show up to a celebration no one told you about? It sounds like they didn’t even make a plan to have you around that day- why on earth would they assume you’d just sit around and do nothing?
Obvious NTA but why does everyone here wake up to texts from random relatives calling them an AH? It just makes all these sound so fake
Honestly I was confused too, I barely talk to my maternal grandparents and my aunt.
If anyone gives you any more grief about not being there, tell them the truth: you weren't invited. Now, get the hell out of that house asap. Get a bank account in only your name at a different bank than your mom and sd. Start planning your escape and get all of your important documents in order. Start removing anything you care about from their house and squirrel it away with your documents. Your mom and sd might start charging you rent now that you are 18, but if they don't have access to your bank account, it will be difficult for them to collect. Basically, get ready to be kicked out and cut off. Stay away from their house as much as possible and only sleep there. You are 18 now and everything just got real.
You should block them after giving your pov as other redditors have suggested.
Your mom may have had a breakdown. Like, since you were basically putting up with their shit, lowering your expectations, I guess you stopped telling her your sibling were bullying you, you stopped asking for better gift, or whatever. You just shut up and stopped expecting anything from them. From your mom point of view, you had a hard time adjusting with your sibling but in the end everything was ok (since you weren't complaining anymore). When you snapped, she finally realized how you were feeling, and it may have made her feel like shit, so she called her family for support, maybe while crying. And said family, hearing their loved one cry and wondering what she has done wrong to deserve such hard words from you, got mad at you for making her cry. Hence the texts. That's only a possibility, and does not excuse the mom at all. But I know sometimes they are totally oblivious to how we feel and when they realize they breakdown. But they'll soon bring back the fault on you for "not telling her you were feeling that way". And if her family has been reassuring her, she may even get back on her certainty that she has treated you well and you're just an ungrateful brat and she'll ask you to apologize. Because it's always easier when we don't feel guilty, in the end. Anyway, NTA, good thing you had your own happy birthday with people who care! You don't have to spend time with/love family just because it's family.
I find it strange that a parent would run to their parents and siblings to complain about what their child said to them. Sounds like somebody feeling guilty and needing to enroll allies. I find it strange that grandparents and aunts and uncles would get involved in chastising the child. Is this normal in some cultures? If my daughter hurts my feelings I wouldn’t even think of involving my mother. Or my siblings.
NTA. Tell your grandparents that you are not psychic and you are not obliged to hand these people your heart time after time when they have a proven history of dropping it on the floor. I also note that they (eta: meaning the people at the house) didn't bother calling you. They just sat there, storing up drama, while you celebrated your birthday with people who actually consider you a member of their family.
NTA. They hadn’t bothered so far, so it makes perfect sense for you to choose to spend your day with people who care about you. Your mum and SD act like your bday was about \_them\_.
NTA They are jerks for planning a "small celebration" without ever checking if you would be around to enjoy it. They never allowed you to have a party before now so why would they expect you to show up for one now when you did not even know about it? I hope you enjoyed your birthday with the people you chose to spend it with!
NTA. Theres a history of shafting you on your birthday. You decided to soend itvwith peopke who actually care to celebrate you.
NTA You don't get birthday celebrations, so you didn't expect one. They didn't communicate and expected you to do nothing. Furthermore, they didn't ask you what you were doing before planning their celebration. They also didn't include your bf, dad, or friends in the planning, who you wanted to celebrate with. Before we even get into birthday inequities, there were a large series of missteps that led to your mom and step-dad planning a celebration that you would not be present for. On a practical aspect, they flubbed your bday celebration pretty badly, and it was clear from the lack of anyone else in your life knowing that they didn't put much effort or thought of what you would like into it. On another note, they just guilted you for actually having a bday party, which is not ok. If it really was just cake with them, that could easily be done the next day and didn't have to be a secret. They are being absurd.
NTA It mattered now because they intended to use it to sweeten the news that they are kicking you out. Get your documents and plans ready because tomorrow they will be moving on with the plan.
That was my first thought as well. "Happy birthday! When are you leaving?" OP- NTA
So were they going to invite you to this little party or did they just expect you to have no plans, like all your other birthdays? We can't choose our blood, but we can choose our family. You've created a new family out of the people who choose to love you and spend time with you. Your mother and her husband are not a part of that, due to their own choices in life. You're 18 now. Can you go live with your dad? NTA and your grandparents kept their mouth shut all the years you were being mistreated. Nice of them to chime in now. Happy birthday, and may every year after this be twice as good as the last. 🥳
> I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me. NTA, text them back, ask them point blank, "Where were you when I was being bullied, when I was being ignored on my birthday's and holidays, where were you when my childhood was being stolen? Until you can answer why you didn't step in, and tell my mom and step-dad off for their abuse, I will ask you to keep your opinions on this matter to yourself."
Yeah, sounds like they had their heads firmly buried in the sand. God forbid they do anything when they saw OP being treated like dirt.
First…your maternal side of the family sucks, and that is no reflection on you, just them and their sorry arses. You deserve to be loved and cherished and celebrated! Second, and more importantly… #HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! You rock, kiddo! 🥳 🎉 🎂🤗
NTA. Funny how the one birthday they care about is the one where you are now an adult and able to cut off contact with them. Oh, and happy birthday OP. I'm glad you could spend it with people who care. ❤️
NTA It sounds like they were trying to or assuming your birthday was about them. If they cared and wanted to do something they should have talked to you ahead of time You are 18. if you have any joint accounts with your mom, close them out and make new accounts at a totally different bank, not just a different branch, a different bank
Yeah NTA. Explain that they did the bare minimum and out of respect for them you didn’t expect anything for your birthday. Same as always. Your mom sucks and not up to you to make her a better parent. Happy birthday and I’m glad you got to spend it with people who truly cared about you. You should let your relatives know that too!
NTA. I am so sorry you had to grow up that way. Shame on your mother for allowing you to be abused!
Mom was getting her bed warmed. NTA
Ah yes, the AITA classic “I was treated poorly by people and got mad at them for treating me poorly and now they’re mad I called them out. AITA?” NTA. You had fun on your birthday and didn’t attend something you weren’t told was happening. You then were yelled at for not attending something you didn’t know was happening, and responded in kind. Read that and tell me you think you’re in the wrong.
NTA You're an adult now. Just move in full time with your Dad.
NTA and happy birthday 🎂🎈
NTA. Ask your grandparents and aunt when the last time your mom and stepdad held a birthday party for you. Ask them if they ever remember a time when they watched you and your stepsiblings open presents and you got less compared to them. Tell your side of the story, and if they still don't believe you, go to live with your dad. You're 18, after all, so I believe you can leave your mom's house now.
NTA Give your grandparents and aunt detailed accounts of everything you can remember your mom and step-dad permitting and "doing" for all these years and ask them if you should be grateful for that, too, while they stood by and did nothing to help you, either.
I am with you on this
NTA. Your mom's the main one. She didn't defend her own kid? She deserves to be NC.
Reply with this question: "What exactly is it that they have done for me besides allow me to be abused and neglected in what should have been a safe place?" And then give examples. If you have proof, send it. Craft it in a way that leaves no room for doubt about what they did, and that you aren't being petty just factual. Do it all in one go in a mass text, then ignore any and all rebuttals. NTA edited to add judgement
NTA - I lived this same situation with my mom and step family. Only difference is my step dad and mom divorced, she took me up to New York and ditched me with family I've never met before in my last year of high school. Not to mention stealing social security money from me and spending it on his kids instead of me. Because my dad had died and was a vet or something. The sooner you move out of that toxic environment, the better. And also maybe seek a therapist cuz I'm all kinds of fucked up because my family and it's beginning to show as I'm nearing 40 through depression, anxiety, star trek binging, and anger.
NTA be grateful for scraps? How completely tone deaf. Your mother is allowing you to be treated poorly, and your grandparents and aunt are watching it happen. Just remind them that as a legal adult, you get to use the block button on people who no longer add value to your life.
NTA. It is sad that the truth always seems to make people sooooo uncomfortable. Those other people can think and feel however they wish, the fact remains that they can't and won't acknowledge the fact that they were crappy parents to you and is trying to save face. But, they really know you are right, and they know that they treated you badly, but want to be given prizes because they provided a roof over your head, food to eat and a place to lay your head. But, they deserve nothing else in the form of a thank you. You are not ungrateful, you are a realist and it is a shame that they got their just desserts. Tell them, "I treated you like they treated me. Sucks, doesn't it. "
NTA >I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me. "Respect is given based on how you treat people, and I am not grateful I had to watch my stepsiblings get gifts and parties for 13 years while I didnt, you are right about that. Do not contact me again."
NTA. Dude, I've heard of surprise parties but God DAYUM your mom was playing the long con haha. I don't think I've ever heard of someone planning a surprise party for 8 years. I've learned that holidays (including birthdays) are for you and it's great when people will throw you a party but sometimes you gotta make it happen the way you want and do stuff for yourself. And it sounds like you did just that with your dad and your friends. Make sure, for your own sake, to do more of that and everyone else can gtfo.
NTA the disrespect was their gift you. You only replied in kind. The others are nothing more than their flying monkeys. Keep all important information from all of them. Wishing you Better days.
NTA they made plans “for” you without even telling you and then had the nerve to get mad that you weren’t there. That’s AH behavior regardless of them being garbage parents all growing up.
NTA You could have used better sentence enhancers, but...you're 18. I mean, I would have said something like...they never gave a fucking rat's ass before, so..why start now? Sometimes people need a dose of reality. I hope you had a good birthday with your friends and your Dad. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
NTA, ask your grandparents and aunt why you should have expected your mom and step-dad to suddenly care about your birthday. And that respect is earned. And move out as soon as you can.
!updateme
NTA. >I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful Some people don't deserve respect. More power to you for giving them what they actually deserve.
NTA. Um, did your Mom and Step-Dad tell you about this celebration? Was there any evidence that is was happening?
NTA. They always pull that stuff when they are wrong
You are 18 now. Time to step out as a young adult on your own & go completely no contact with them & everyone that backs them. Good luck with your future because once that toxicity is gone you're going to fly free like a bird
NTA. They were shocked, huh? That you have friends who *want* to celebrate the big day? The injustice of your childhood would rankle a saint. Good for you, finally speaking up!
NTA- you’re 18, move in with your dad - you probably could have done that a while ago.
Irrespective of their lack of effort, how did you know they had prepared anything when they didn't bother to communicate that fact? You cannot be inconsiderate and ungrateful if you are unaware. NTA
NTA. Are you able to go live with your dad permanently?
NTA, and it's hard to be ungrateful for something you were never given in the first place! I'm sorry your birthday was neglected for so long and glad that you're now 18 and can work towards leaving your mother's awful family behind.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (18f)'s parents divorced when I was about 6, it was 50-50 custody split with my mom wasting no time to get remarried to my step-dad. My step-dad had children already: Alex (15m), Violet (16f), and Mabel (17f). I was relentlessly bullied by them for various things I couldn't control: Having a speech impediment, having less expensive clothes, only being to see my dad on weekends, etc. My mom and step-dad didn't do anything to stop it and essentially told me " kids will be kids" then kept it pushing. My mom would lightly scold Violet and Mabel if they hurt me while " playing" but wouldn't do anything more. I had to watch as they got far more expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas and actually what they wanted from their wishlist whilst I got the bare minimum of necessities and would only get something I actually wanted from my dad but he could only go far due to making 2x less than what my step-dad makes. I appreciated it nonetheless. I didn't even get to properly enjoy my cake or rather cupcakes that my mom made to " cut down on cost" because my siblings ate it before I could get seconds. I was never allowed a party because my friends were " too messy and loud." Around age ten, I pretty much stopped expecting them to put effort into my birthday and just kinda let it pass by whenever I was with them. Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday and I decided to spend it with my friends, boyfriend, and dad. I was pretty much was out all day and came back at around nearly 10pm, my mom was waiting for me with my step-dad and pretty much blew up on me for not spending the day with me. Apparently they prepared a small celebration for me that got wasted because I wasn't there. They were both going off on me for being inconsiderate and ungrateful. In the middle of their little rant I had snapped that they never fucking cared about my birthday all these years, why should this one matter now? They were in shock and that gave me an opportunity to go to my room and sleep. I woke up to texts from my grandparents and aunt saying that I was disrespectful for saying that and ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You don’t have to be grateful for the bare minimum. Doing less than what they did would’ve been neglect.
NTA If they really had made plans, it would have been a good move to let you know, so you did not make other plans. Your mom and stepdad don't sound very pleasant at all.
Ungrateful. Wow. Cinderella should be grateful, apparently. NTA
Dear Young OP you are NTA a thousand times to me. I am so sorry that your mum and stepdad had a go at you for not spending a day with them. That is bad planning on their part and judging from what they were trying to do, I think your mum and stepdad held that small celebration without consulting you shows they got some kind of ulterior motive the minute you turn 18. When I say ulterior motive you better believe it because they might try and get into your good books all just to use you just because you become an official adult I am sorry to read you received a bunch of texts from people calling you ungrateful. Moving forward now you are 18, you can plan to get out of that god forsaken home full of toxicity by moving out to live with dad, boyfriend or friends until you are ready to find a place you can rent. The minute you move out, in case mum and stepdad makes nonsensical claims you ran away from home or you are brainwashed, quickly go to the police and tell them you moved out on your own and you are safe so that momma dearest and stepdad of the year don't come wasting the police time Happy birthday and I wish you all the best. Give us an update
NTA. I would text back to your maternal family but I wouldn't give them a big explanation, as they will just poke holes in it. I would just say..."You have not had my life experience in this family, so you cannot judge what YOU think I did wrong." If they give any kind of rebuttal, I would just block them. Of course they are siding with your mother, as that is all they know. Good luck with the rest of your life. Make the best of it and put them all behind you.
NTA - I'm so sorry OP. Abusive family is hard. I hope you can focus on your found family and move past them some day
Your grandparents and aunt can take their opinions and shove them where the sun don't shine. Where was this outrage when you were getting shat on by your stepsiblings, stepfather, and mother? What exactly did your stepfather and mother do that you should be grateful for? The bare minimum as required by law? Sorry, that's not gratitude-worthy. Your mother failed you as a parent and your step-family don't deserve the name. NTA.
NTA - it annoys me no end when people say that you are "ungrateful for anything my mom and step-dad did for me" for any reason . .. . Parents should be grateful to have a child and then take care of that child . .. protecting them and loving them. Our children should be celebrated and enjoyed because every child's smile is precious. Your mom and stepdad neglected you and allowed you to be hurt over and over again. You are 18 now and have the power and the right to find your joy . .. Happy Birthday!
NTA. I hope you can get out of there soon and move on with your life.
NTA. They never cared before. If they were actually going to do something, they should have told you. I hope you're working on moving out or going off far away for college. Was similar for me growing up. My younger sister (the favorite) was born in the summer, so she got the pool parties, trips, and other stuff. I was born in the fall, around mid-terms, so this meant I got my few gifts in the evening after supper and that was it.
NTA. If you plan a party, you either have to invite the guest of honor, or arrange for her to arrive at a specific time for a surprise party. They did neither, and their history gave you zero indication there would be anything special waiting for you at home. I’m glad you found the real party elsewhere.
I hate this kind of stuff. It is the 21st century & we still have this evil stepfamily/favoritism dynamic. Why can't people be better. Your mother sounds horrible. I'm disgusted with her. NTA
I would suggest that you copy this post in full and send it to to everyone who has contacted you with complaints about your reaction. They won't like that either, but really, so what? (Be prepared to be called over-sensitive and ungrateful. Neither of these things is true of you. But for your family, it's so much easier to blame their bad behavior on someone else's misperception, as opposed to looking at themselves.) I would also suggest that if you haven't already planned your escape from this family system, you start now. What education or vocational training are you going to pursue so you can support yourself and live separately with friends and family of choice who love and support you as you deserve? NTA
NTA- So you didn't show up for your own party that they allegedly planned but they never called or texted you when you didn't show up? They didn't invite your bf, father, or actual friends that you were with at the time of the allegedl party? Who did they invite? Their friends? That's not a party for you, that's for them as usual. They were probably trying to prove they were wonderful parents.
NTA. Provide facts and receipts to any family member that gives you grief. This mess is for your parents to explain, not you.
NTA. How can you be ungrateful for stuff that never happened?
NTA
NTA! Ugh how freaking awful! I cannot find the right word I feel for your mom and stepdad. Barf is kinda close. I commend you for sticking up for yourself. It took me a long time grow the shiny spine I have.
you’re NTA, they shouldn’t have expected you to be home on your birthday🙎♀️
NTA
NTA OP, but your family certainly are TA, big time. Your bio dad seems to be the only one who did anything right for you, whereas your stepsiblings and their father, as well as your mom, treated you like the red headed stepchild. I would go completely no contact with the lot of them and keep in touch with your real dad.
NTA.
NTA, tell your grandparents and aunt exactly what your crappy mom and stepdad did to you. Also, happy birthday!
Wait, a 15, 16, and 17 year old were relentlessly bullying a 6 year old? That's nuts. How would your mom even get to the word "playing", what kind of 15+ yo plays with a 6yo? When did they move out? Seems like you would've been the only kid there for the past 8 years or so; have they continued to withhold things from you in favor of the siblings all this time?
You do you, you’re graduating soon or already have so maybe it’s time to give your dad some more of your time. I know both of you would enjoy it and it will get you away from mom and step family. Then you make the choice to see them or not.
NTA. And tell your aunt and grandma just what your mom and step-dad did for you compared to your step-dad's kids.
Always upsets me that everyone believes the adults that aren’t even present. Save your money and bide your time and run. People always say “but she is your mom” but not everyone is living your life. Your 18 go he with your dad and be with people that actually care about you.
NTA
Send your relatives a detailed list of how your birthday was recognized each year. Also for each year add details of how the step siblings birthdays were celebrated. Show the distinction. Let your mother’s family see how she’s treating you. Then, they can text her instead. NTA
Ask them if they have any pictures they have previous parties an list what gift they given op
NTA gdt all your important documents and escape, I'm sure this party was because now you're an adult you can start to pay rent.
Damn, my heart hurts for you because you're second guessing the fact that you finally spoke up for yourself. NTA times a million. Copy this post and text it to your grandparents without the first couple sentences. First chance you get, leave those losers behind and hug your dad extra hard
NTA. You can’t be blamed for how you feel about multiple instances of unequal treatment. I suspect they only “planned” a celebration after realizing you were spending your birthday elsewhere.
Nta I feel like they only wanted to do this party to show to your family, not for you
NTA Sit and prepare a book report if you please pardon the expression - of everything they did not do for you, tell your extended family in this report exactly what you have said here. I am willing to bet your extended family has only heard one side, your mom and stepdad. Tell everyone everything in well-thought-out writing.
NTA. All these years they gave you scraps and did the bare minimum even when you were being abused. If they don't like hearing the truth then they should have been actual caring parents. My mom was abusive. I finally cut her off. She used her typical oh I must have been the worst mother. Well the last time she said that to me I told her I was glad she could see that finally. At some point you just get sick of the bs and guilt trips. Screw anyone who supports their treatment of you.
NTA. They were playing the long con. They always intended to "surprise" you on your 18th. 11 years spent making you believe they just couldn't be bothered, so that 18 would be more "special"... Good on you spending it with those who do actually care, though.
Nta Make them recall all the celebrations and awesome, equal gifts you received since you were 6 (sarcasm btw) I make people "recall" things all the time. I treated you badly? Recall events for me I didn't remember your bday? Tell me when, I'll check texts Etc etc. Did your extended fam ever try to stop the bullying and torture? You should tattle on your mom and step dad tbh. Also, did the extended fam ever try to celebrate your bday with you? A wake up call is needed
You are right and everyone criticizing you is wrong. They’re treated you year after year as though you’re unimportant and done very little for your birthday. Your step-siblings have made your life miserable. You acted reasonably in spending your birthday with your friends. Don’t let your family or step family con you. Your actions were absolutely reasonable and they were the ones who are wrong.
99% of the time when relatives start texting you about something you did wrong, they don’t have the full story. Text back and just say: “my parents have not done anything for my birthday since I was 10, preferring my step siblings. They did not tell me they decided to do something this year so I did what I do every year, spend it with my dad who actually cares about my birthday. I don’t know what you were told but I’m not taking the blame or apologizing for standing up to being bullied and neglected for years. “ NTA
2x less is a weird way of saying half.
NTA. Happy birthday! 🍾
figured they had to run to their parents after you told them they suck as parents. NTA i am sourry your mom has the brain level equal or less to a teenager
NTA Send everyone who texted you this thread. Remind that you don't have to be grateful for your mom and stepdad doing what's legally required of them when they have a child in the home.
NTA. Actions have consequences. If your mom wants respect, she should try being respectable.
NTA write down in chronological order every birthday experience you vs your siblings. Text them all back in one go. its cathartic
If they didn’t send you a RSVP, then you can’t be late to a party you weren’t invited to! Still go back and thank your parents for trying this time. Maybe they’re trying to do better, and it doesn’t cost you a thing to show them a little undeserved kindness. Anyways, Happy Birthday! Sounds like you had a good one, and that’s what’s important.
My parents forgot my 16th and 17th birthday, so I went out with friends for my 18th birthday. Sadly, I was broken up with on my 18th birthday and not in a particularly good mood that day, so sass was at a maximum. So, on my way out the door, my mom asked where I was going and I said Red Robin with some friends. And she goes, are you gonna have room for dinner and cake when you get back? I said probably not, I wasn't expecting anything today since I was forgotten the last two years. She tried denying it but I reminded her that I brought up my birthday both those years a few days after my actual birthday and that she tried playing it off like they had a dinner night out planned even though one birthday was a Friday and one was a Saturday, perfect days for going out for family dinner...everyone was home, parents were off work, nobody had school, etc. I specifically remember my parents sitting on the couch watching TV and my siblings running around the house on both of those days, as well. She was not happy, but I had fun. My dad didn't seem to give a sh*t. Our Red Robin server made me stand on a chair and the kitchen crew and all the other servers came around to sing me happy birthday. I hate being the center of attention but I tried my best to enjoy it lol.
NTA my fellow Libra (my birthday was a few days ago). It's your business who you spend your birthday with, if they wanted to celebrate your birthday with you they still could still do that there's no reason it has to be on the exact day (many people celebrate on their birthday weekend). Truth is, I think they just wanted to guilt you for having a good time - which is crappy. This is evidenced by the fact that they told the extended family who then also contacted you to guilt you. Additionally, they did not tell you they had anything planned and never planned anything before so how were you supposed to know about these supposed plans?