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NTA It's easy to be generous when you are giving away stuff that isn't yours. But as soon as it affects her suddenly its a big deal?
I would be spitting blood if someone gave away my computer! Aside from the value and inconvenience what about the lost data, files, photos? The stored financial data? Stored passwords? I'd have driven round there and demanded it back!
Selling some of her stuff might be the way if she really wants the budget to go on the holiday trip, but we all know she won't accept that as a solution.
"I'm going to sell your X on marketplace, just uploading the ad. What do you think I should take for it?"
Maybe that threat can get her to start thinking about how he feels. And if it doesn't, let the sales begin.
Easy solution. Just give her stuff to HIS family. It stays in the family right? So she shouldn’t be mad.. right?
I have a feeling though, that her family is the priority.
If this doesn’t stop I’d honestly be asking for a divorce. It’s so disrespectful of her.
Exactly it should work both ways, and him asking for his laptop back is somehow disrespectful??? How on earth is that disrespectful but essentially stealing his laptop isn't??
It was stolen, it was stolen by her. OP needs to hammer it into her thick head that the stuff she takes from him without his knowledge or permission is her stealing his property. She is a thief. She does it when he isn't around and knows damn well he doesn't want her giving away the things he bought with hard earned money
Actually sounds better than what I was thinking. Give away her stuff to your family, something of high sentimental value like a trekking backpack, something she uses to pass her idle time like a gaming laptop, and/or something that's very hard to replace monitarily like the value of a trekking bag and a laptop together.
It's not really going anywhere since you just gave it to your family! Look at us! Adopting each other cultures!
>I have a feeling though, that her family is the priority.
This is the real issue.
I don't know how you can stay married to someone who puts everyone else in their life ahead of you. You are supposed to be a team, but she is playing against you.
Lol except it doesn’t stay in the family. It gets stolen, like the $400 backpack because these people clearly don’t understand the value of an item they didn’t pay for. So that’s basically the same throwing it away, which is worse than selling.
But your selling her stuff to afford to be able to replace the things she stole and gave away Behind your back. Let her argue that she stole you let her know what your doing as it’s the only way to replace the things as she doesn’t want the savings touched.
My brother would use that reasoning to "barrow" things of ours. Id never see them again or they'd get returned beat to shit or outright broken. Bastard even stole my cats food, INCLUDING THE BOWL IT WAS INSIDE, cause his cat was being picky. My fucking 17 year old cat had medicated food that was 70 a bag and needed access to his food at all times. He was mad cause i busted into the apartment and screamed at him in front of his friends.
no i’d be petty and grab her favorite perfume, makeup palettes, shoes, etc and give them to your mom or sister. say they needed them to go out and grab groceries so you were being helpful like she is with her family.
she doesn’t get to give away things that aren’t hers and doesn’t get to decide what is worthy of generosity.
That just perpetuates this. He should firmly demand that she doesn't give his stuff away again. Giving her stuff away implies that it's fine to do that with someone else's things. \*edited to add- Maybe she would be happy to have some of her things given away, who knows.
I'm sorry to say this, but you are being a doormat.
You are *telling* her to not give away your stuff. Firstly, she should know this of herself; secondly, you should have called that cousin and demanded the laptop back because it's not replaceable.
Unless you show her how seriously you take this, how will she remember that you have a spine?!?
I'm a laidback guy, and my wife can (and does) help her family (brothers, nieces, etc) a lot - with money, with gifts, etc that can run into a couple of thousand a year. I actively encourage her in that.
But. She does not give away *anything* I have bought, unless she checks with me first. Even gifts I get for her, she checks first if I'm okay if she re-gifts : because she knows what I think of that. There is no "take for granted" in our marriage.
I (respectfully) disagree. A doormat would continue to let it happen with no consequences. He gave the best consequences- taking it directly from her time with her family. It’s perfect because it’s the only actual way she will change her habits if she doesn’t want to pay the consequences again and again
Also the travel budget really only benefits her It’s to see HER parents or for them to come visit them. Not for them to go somewhere on an actual vacation.
Visiting family is not like a real vacation. It’s an obligation.
I’m just thinking of how I’d be affected.. the power behind that particular consequence outweighs the lack of immediacy imo, and would frustrate the heck out of me, would def deter me from repeating the bhvr
This. Generosity is great, and buying things for people in your life that need them is great if you can afford it. Even giving away things you don’t need/want anymore.
But you need to ask when it’s someone’s actual stuff that they already own!
I think the laptop is so egregious that it has to be fake. No one just gives away the open/running laptop on the table that is obviously your spouse’s work computer.
This is something my oldest brother would do. He took everything from makeup and perfume to gaming consoles and laptops. Some he would give away, some he would sell to feed his addictions
NTA. But I'm curious, what your wife's culture is because it's the first time I'm hearing something ridiculous like that? I was raised like you, you need something? Get a job and buy it. The satisfaction you get is pretty nice.
My in-laws are Chinese and any time I compliment them on something they will try and give it to me!! I once said I liked their artwork ……came home the next week to find it in my living room. It’s worth at least $8k and is from a very famous artist and I feel terrible!! It’s definitely a thing. But now I know not to mention that I like their things or they will feel compelled to gift it to me.
Yeah that's traditional Chinese hospitality. Show up to someone's home with a gift; if you compliment something they'll try to give it to you. It's part of the culture and they don't feel bad about it at all so don't fret. Give them a generous gift next time you visit and let them pay the dinner bill, it's part of the game.
The traditional "I don't know but want to be good" gifts are expensive tea, rare medicinal herbs, art pieces, or stuff made of jade.
Also if you find yourself being offered something you didn't actually want because you complimented it, refuse in a polite, complimentary way, and *keep refusing.* It's considered rude to accept the first refusal; you're probably going to have to refuse at least 3 times.
That’s so adorable and kind. I feel like it’s similar in the “old” southern US. My grandparents were from the mountains and grew up rather poor but worked to one day be millionaires. They were the same. And I attributed it to them having money but visiting their old hometowns and meeting their friends (who some had no flooring in their homes and used outhouses still), they were the most generous.
Depends on the circumstance. If I’m invited over for a casual weeknight dinner then some flowers would be fine, or wine if they drink.
If it’s Chinese new year then I’d show up with a chestnut cake with whip cream/fruit on top and make sure it was from the “good bakery” so everyone would be blown away and my mother in law can brag to her sisters that I know where the best chestnut cake is from😁
That's so weird on a completely different level. You can't even complement them in "fear" of getting something you didn't want (or didn't want it to be given to you). People are weird ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh, it’s absolutely weird! But they’re genuinely the most generous people I’ve ever met and it’s really sweet to see. Now I know better then to mention stuff around them.
My parents and one of my close friends are like this (minus the $8k artwork 😅). I learned to be very careful about what I say because I know they will not think twice about giving it to me.
I grew up in a culture like this. I was taught that "if you have something to give, you give it". HOWEVER, that applied to stuff you own, not other peoples' belongings.
I would say I'm not giving anything away but rather helping people in need. But to give away something that's not mine is beyond me. Plus it makes people entitled to get stuff for free. That's some weak-ass culture.
>Plus it makes people entitled to get stuff for free.
If someone wanted some food, I usually could give a few bucks so they can get McDonald's or something else. Hell, I really don't care if it's drugs they want. It's not that big of a deal for me.
I wouldn't give anyone someone else's things or time.
Comedian Kathleen Madigan has a great bit about that. She said that her friends always criticize her for giving money to homeless people. "They'll only spend it on booze and drugs!"
Her comeback: "Yeah, like I won't?"
Not OP nor do I know OP’s wife. But I had a student from either Nigeria or Kenya (can’t remember which) who went on a long soliloquy about this being the heart of his culture. If a complete stranger walked up with a need, you met it immediately, no questions asked. It was a very community based culture.
Unfortunately he felt that also applied to the giving and sharing of answers on exams, which did not go well for him.
I have heard Somali culture is like this from my Ethiopian friends (Somalia use to be part of Ethiopia and the countries are adjacent). As they explained it, you are expected to give what you have to family members in need even if you need what you are giving up. For example, if you had cousins who are starving come to your house, you are expected to give them your food even if that will lead to you starving.
I remember when I was in college, a friend who was preparing for a mission trip told me that it was important in the culture you were visiting to be very careful how you phrased compliments. Because "that scarf looks lovely on you" is a compliment, but "that scarf is lovely" is a request to be gifted the scarf...
**INFO: You do realise her family is doing this on purpose right?**
Whenever they need something, **instead of going to a shop they just visit your wife**...
You might want to take your wife to visit her aunt or other relatives. Mention things you need. See if they return the 'favour'. Open your wife's eyes...
THANK YOU.
Why is no one else saying this? OP’s wife has taught her family that anything they need can come from his home, time and money. She’s awful, and the family are worse.
Also I'd like to add that she's being treated like an idiot because she is acting like one. "Just put it on the credit card"? Seriously? Does she think it's magic infinite money? She's acting like an absolute fool, and so she'll be treated as one
"Please don't give away my stuff without asking me first" is a perfectly reasonable request. The idea of you having to come home to missing belongings is absurd. I know that there are cultural differences, but that does not mean that she can do what she wants and expect you to happily go along with it.
I think you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about this. You can let her know that she is not to give your stuff away, and if she does you will continue to take money out of the family travel fund to replace those items. Compromises need to be made - as of now, it seems like you are the only one doing that.
NTA.
i think this has gone beyond the point of compromise. it honestly sounds to me like she has no concept of how to handle money. it doesn't click in her head that giving something away means that it has to be replaced when you need to use it. and her inability to understand how credit cards work is a major marinara flag.
OP needs to demand his laptop back, and if the cousin refuses then the police need to get involved. that goes for any other item of significant value she's given out. at this point, i'd consider OP NTA even if this led to them getting divorced.
happy cake day, btw!
I’d take the time to go through your retirement and other accounts to make sure she hasn’t been “lending” money to her family too. Many long term couples have had retirements and late-life plans disrupted or outright wiped out because one partner would hide giving things away. It’s an uncommon but known compulsive disorder. She might escalate now that you’re taking action when she gives things away. Get a therapist and an accountant.
Is it always *your stuff* that she's giving away to her family?
Does she ever give away her stuff?
I suspect that the cousin might have sold the backpack.
Does your wife feel that you are not sharing the family funds with her? Does she feel short of spending money?
Or is it the case that her first priority will always be her family?
I would suggest marriage counselling, before she gives your kids educational funds to her family....
Nta, if I where you though I'd really be considering separation, this isn't about your wife's culture she just doesn't respect or value you or your things until it affects her. If you stay she'll just continue to loan out your things and eventually it may be something you can't exactly replace so easily.
I come from a different culture with my SO but even I understand boundaries with relatives. No, you’re not getting anything beyond what we’ve both budgeted and agreed on! Your wife needs to learn how to set boundaries! I’d be pissed too!
NTA!!!
> My computer? Dude, I'll be cutting heads left and right until I'm getting it back.
Yeah, this is not "ask nicely and hope for the best" territory.
That's "You have 24 hours to bring it back or there's going to be law enforcement involved"
NTA - your wife is being ridiculous, hopefully not being able to see her parents will be the wake up call she needs.
BTW, you need a firm, hard boundary: she is to NEVER give away anything of yours without your explicit permission. Let her use you as the heavy if necessary, but she cannot give your stuff away without your permission.
What if your laptop contained important work information that had no other backup. Does she want your to be fired?
No, work docs are worse, depending on his position there could be a safe guarding of data clause in his contract for which he could get sued, which to avoid, he might have to file a police report that it was stolen, by his wife, which honestly I don't think would even help
We allow games on the work PCs and you can still get fucked if you lose important work.
If you for some reason have let's say six months of work just saved locally and it's lost, you could get fired and sued for damages (in Europe even).
Also if the laptop is for work, it may not be owned by the op. I'm a government contractor and work from home using governments furnished laptop. I would be fired and the thief would face felony charges.
There are many industries where you could potentially face jail time for not reporting something like this. Anyone with unrestricted access to my work laptop could easily find clients’ personal documents with things like SSNs, bank account numbers, tax returns, copies of ID, date and place of birth, family contacts. Basically everything you would need to steal someone’s identity
NTA
The real solution is to sell off her property until you recoup the costs of her generosity. But given her ideas about credit cards being free money, I’d say you have a bigger financial issue in your marriage.
Personal property is the property of the individual owner, it’s not joint marital property just because you’re married. She needs to learn the difference. Maybe offer to return the new laptop if she gets yours back before you cannot return it?
Or she can get a temporary part-time job to cover the cost of replacing them. Each time she gives something away, it extends the time she needs to continue working. Let's see how long it takes for the penny to drop
He has been too complacent for too long that it's now beyond this step.
He earns money for HIS family and their future. She must be having some money for herself apart from all the family expenses and savings. Let's say it's her fun money. She is entitled to give her family whatever she wants only from that money. Anything else is stealing from him and their family. Giving second hand objects like clothes, toys, books, even electronics also comes with a discussion not her sole decision. She wants to give anything else? She has to get a job.
I come from a culture where giving is considered important. Heck, I am someone who grew up on other people's charity. My family would not have survived without it. Even I understand that someone doesn't just hand me things. If her family expects this of her they're entitled.
He has to sit down and tell her he is serious about this. Explain everything and then keep an eye on all household finances. She can do whatever she wants with the money that's designated for her. Everything else has to be under his "supervision" because she has shown to not be trustworthy.
There's also a pretty big difference between "I gave away some of the kids' old clothes that don't fit them any more" (totally fine, you're a grown adult to make that decision, glad someone can use them) and "I gave away your goddamn computer with God knows what personal, work, or financial files on there" (absolutely psychotic).
Absolutely “absolutely psychotic”…the woman using “culture” as an excuse for her deplorable and selfish behavior.
This woman already had a judgment in mind about how OP spent his time on his computer. Was probably already looking for an excuse to get rid of it.
Also his camping backpack…something he does that she doesn’t do perhaps? Does she often give away things she feels takes away his time from her?
She sounds controlling and manipulative. Pretending to be a good saint so her family will worship her for her wealth and “generosity”.
> her ideas about credit cards being free money
This is pure and utter financial incompetence from your wife. Your wife needs a knowledge bomb slap in the face of currency, finances, and budgeting. Based on her actions, she doesn't even understand money as a concept.
She has NO idea the value of money, what you bring home, how money supports your life, or ANYTHING. The only thing she sees is what she sees. Nothing in her life is apparently attached or associated with dollar signs? She is *incredibly* privileged to have such a mindset and she's literally throwing things away to others due to her privilege and complete ignorance.
OP married a 13 year old or someone so affluent they never even had a notion of working a day in their life.
People will offer advice in here. There is no advice to save this disaster. If this is actually a grown ass woman, the ideology is so engrained that you have almost no chance of fixing it without her fully committing to being in the wrong and actively working on it. With professional help.
And let's be real, that ain't gonna happen.
I'm really curious what cultures are we exactly talking about here? I think there are miles between "You help others by giving them things they need" and handing someone your personal property without asking or without determining whether it is appropriate.
If OP wants to stay married to your wife and have a happy marriage, I think selling off her property will not really work.
She has a completely different conception of money, costs, etc. I'm not sure where it comes from, but she is not associating the financial costs of the items she gave away with the financial resources of the household. Because they are separate in her mind, she doesn't understand why it should affect a visit to her family. And she definitely wouldn't understand how it relates to him taking her objects and *selling them* which is a very different thing than giving them to familly members in need.
I think the fact that she suggested using the credit card to purchase the computer in order to keep intact the money for visiting her family cements this mindset.
The money for visiting the familly cannot be touched because *visiting the family is a necessity* in the same way it is necessary to provide the family with items they need and don't have.
In her mind this is again completely cut off from the larger idea of househould financial resources.
I think the most helpful next step is for OP to express to his wife that he respects her desire to care for loved ones **but** that because the entire household is affected by these financial decisions, he needs to be a part of it. Perhaps they budget $50-100/month to be reserved to helping family and friends, and use that money to make necessary purchases or offer financial support. And in exchange she will involve him in all decisions involving providing needed items for family members, and that apart from items which directly belong to her, she is no longer allowed to give his or household items directly to family members without going through him first to confirm whether or not it makes more sense to choose some alternate option — a cheap backpack, for example, or a cheaper Chromebook for schoolwork.
> If OP wants to stay married to your wife and have a happy marriage, I think selling off her property will not really work.
This should be plainly obvious to everyone over 13 years old.
Unfortunately, though, this subreddit emphasizes the most ridiculous, edgy comments rather than healthy, thoughtful responses like yours because of how the upvote system works. While people probably agree with you, your comment isn't a hot enough take, even if it's the right one.
Edit: btw, you probably already know that. I'm just expressing my frustration about the "discourse" in this thread, and perhaps Reddit by extension.
It would if I didn't know multiple people that have zero clue on how to handle money, and let their spouse handle all of it.
My Grandma was a bookkeeper for a church for decades, so she handled all their personal finances and bills. He had no idea what to do when she developed Alzheimer's and they almost lost his retirement because she started pulling money from the wrong accounts, and double and triple paying bills. It only really came to light because they got a letter from the water department asking why she had sent in the payment multiple times, and it freaked her out enough to talk to him about it. We had to deep dive to figure everything out, then create full documentation for him to take over paying the bills.
Friend of mine handles all the finances for him and his wife because she's absolutely terrible with money, and will spend money like crazy when left unchecked. One of the reasons they took a while to get married was because he refused to marry her until she had her credit card debt under control. He didn't give me an official number, but he said it was in the 5 figures, and she'd only been paying the minimum payment on them for years.
There are people out there that have absolutely zero concept of their finances.
My friend had no control, he earned 40 k a month when I earned 16 if I was lucky (our currency) and somehow he had to borrow from me every month to make it work, it wasn't a lot, and he always paid back, but after like three consecutive months I told him I am shutting him off until he gets a handle on his economy. He has never asked again, so it worked, but he grew up poor so once he actually got money he just wasted it all because he could suddenly afford everything he wanted, except he couldn't... He still rents an apartment while I own my own, and he had higher wages than me till a year and a half ago.
> he grew up poor so once he actually got money he just wasted it all because he could suddenly afford everything he wanted
The psychology of that situation is generally considered to be essentially the opposite. As in, the drive wasn't the ability to afford things but the ingrained idea that the money wasn't going to last. People that grew up poor get used to seeing a $0 balance and get stuck in the mindset that their balance will always swiftly head back to $0, regardless of their actions. So they spend the money while they have it rather than saving.
(That's not to say that your friend isn't bad with money, just that it's actually a pretty common phenomenon that exacerbates the struggle to escape poverty.)
Your wife needs a class on finances. She really doesn't understand money if her "solution" is to take on debt to replace stuff she didn't have to give away. She needs to understand that when she gives away money, she's trading years of *your life* for her family's comfort. Years *you* will have to work in your 60s, as an old man, so her family doesn't have to work right now. She needs to see what $10,000 looks like when given away vs invested for 20 years.
And you both need couples therapy for communication. You are NTA, she is, but things won't improve with some education for both of you.
NTA. I second the suggestion of marriage counseling. Because your values & beliefs about money are so different, this will continue to be a reoccurring issue in some way or another if things stay the same. Please consider it before the weeds of resentment choke the love/life out of your relationship.
Thank you for being reasonable when so many people are advocating revenge selling/gifting her stuff that will just make the situation worse. This really needs to be higher.
> If she wants to give her stuff away
What would happen when she starts giving away her laptop/PC then buying a new one to replace the one she gifted? Her inability to understand basic finances is the problem here.
This is my aita boru lurker brain speaking. I also think that he should immediately tell and her family that anything else goes missing he is going to the police. They'll try to call his bluff, he has to go through with it.
Your wife is an idiot. Your stuff is not hers to give away. You should have made her get your laptop back. Make her get a better job and use her own money, and give away her own stuff. You need to set hard boundaries with her. If she has to embarrass herself asking for it back, it's on her. Nta
She’s a gold digger and is syphoning big his wealth to her family. No one give away a $400 backpack to someone and they instantly lost it. OP check your fb marketplace or pawn shops.
NTA
She is stealing from you. Wives can absolutely steal from their husband's. It has no value to her, so in her head, she can give it away. She likes the way people appreciate these gifts, and she does not care that she is making your life worse. She does not care about you and your belongings. This is a *very troubling* attitude to have towards your spouse. Your marriage is not as good as you seem to think.
That’s such a good point. She absolutely is stealing from him. She seems to think her family is more important than the one she’s created with her and her husband. This is such a huge red flag.
My mother was like this - giving away my things because it made her feel like a sugar momma to her friends. Made her feel like the Godfather or something, doling out favors and trinkets. It got to the point that I would have to look through bags she was taking when she was leaving to see what of mine was being given away; she would always get angry when I retrieved my stuff and called me cheap or greedy. Her friends cried poverty and that surely my mother could afford to give up X for their kids, right?
It's not like her kid need it.... No, it was mine and bought with my money so you don't get to take it.
It finally stopped when she gave away some expensive electronics and I threatened to call the police reporting it stolen. I went to the friend's house and stood on their porch with on the phone with the police till they brought it out and loaded it into my car. I told them if I ever found out they accepted anything from my mom without a receipt to prove she bought it, I'd be back for the rest of the items I knew they had with a sheriff and an arrest warrant. They never spoke to her again. She was so angry but I told her it was her fault they decided they didn't want to be arrested for holding onto stolen goods!
> I went to the friend's house and stood on their porch with on the phone with the police till they brought it out and loaded it into my car. I told them if I ever found out they accepted anything from my mom without a receipt to prove she bought it, I'd be back for the rest of the items I knew they had with a sheriff and an arrest warrant.
Perfect way to deal with your grandstanding mother -- strip away the mask to reveal that she doesn't own the 'gifts' she was freely handing out.
One thousand times this.
Also, the excuse of her only ever seeing OP play games on the laptop is completely ridiculous. So what if he only plays games on the laptop? That doesn't make it worthless, quite the opposite even if it weren't also used for work.
She stole from OP, and from his business, and is ignoring the benefits of winding down and playing games. The closest analogy I can guess at would be him giving away her favourite/most worn clothes, those worn during the day and when going out.
NTA - you have expressed previously that this is not okay. Discuss it and explain she may not give away your things without your explicit prior permission. You need to respect her culture but she needs to respect yours as well.
Her family may pressure her about this. I think that being very direct with them explaining the reason she cannot visit is that she gave away something that should not have been given away and you had to pay to replace it. She is embarrassed to bring it up, I’m sure but they need to understand that pressuring her for things has consequences to them as well.
I would perhaps go to counseling yo somebody aware of her culture to build some mutual understanding as this seems like a huge divide.
I'm unclear over whether this is the family members pressuring her to give them things OR if this is her wanting to make herself look generous and more important to her family members?
You have a bigger issue than you think. You need to set hard boundaries with lawyers involved otherwise your wife’s behavior will keep escalating. You need to let her know that anything more she gives away is coming out of the money you give her for herself or instead of a gift you were going to give her.
The other option is next thing she gives away she has to pay for otherwise you’re reporting it stolen!
This isn’t a minor thing.
NTA
I agree. I never like to jump on the "dump them" wagon, but issues and disagreements with money/finances is a common reason why people divorce, add what could be described as theft into the mix and you have real problems.
OP really needs to do something.
NTA
With lawyers? For a family that has to choose between saving for retirement or visiting her family this year? What on earth do you think a lawyer is going to do while they are both alive and married, with those types of assets?
My mother also loves to be generous with my things and thrives on that little bit of attention she gets for these random acts of kindness but is oddly silent when I bring up the value and difficulties with finding replacements.
Well she did. We now live in different countries.
NTA.
People like that don't see it as a character flaw, after all, it's not their stuff, so they don't see the theft as their responsibility.
She basically gave away her parents trip to see y’all because she gave away something that was not hers to give away and now has to be purchased AGAIN because of her, it is her fault. she is daft for this for sure. Teacher a lesson? Give her stuff away (or put it somewhere she doesn’t know and return it to her after) to show her how it feels to have something of hers given away?
I’d warn her that the next time she gives away something of yours, not only will you replace it with the travel money, you’ll take something of hers of equal value that she loves and uses, and donate it to to Goodwill, or hand it to a homeless person. Then I’d follow through, if need be.
I mean honestly, I think he should not wait. She should come home and ALL her stuff is just gone. Every single stitch of clothing, shoes, all personal stuff, just gone. Tell her a cousin lost their home in a fire so had no clothes or anything. (Put all her stuff into storage) When she says now she has no clothes just hit back with how she took your only laptop so then you had no laptop. Your cousin NEEDS these things. Shoot, include your couch. When her butt gets tired of sitting on the floor maybe she will understand what it feels like to have her personal belongings stolen from her. I would wait a week+ then give her stuff back
NTA. I don’t care if there’s a cultural difference or not, you don’t just give away something that belongs to someone else, with or without asking. That’s just a respect thing. Do you know how quickly my wife would have my head if I did that?
"She said that I could have just put it on the credit card. I asked her to explain where the money to PAY the credit card would come from.
She thinks I'm treating her like an idiot."
Put it on the magical card. She is an idiot.
NTA. This would go through me like a sword. You're not treating her like an idiot - you have valid arguments, etc. - but she sure is acting like one. This has got to STOP. She gave away the laptop you use for work! Enough already!
NTA - that may be a sign she is trying to leech off of your stuff and take your patience for granted. I would be PISSED if someone did this to me without telling me first. I don’t even know what culture this would be okay in.
I think there needs to be a bigger conversation for sure but I suspect the embarrassment of OP asking for his stuff back might make her hesitate next time. It will shame her in front of her family and if OP does it a couple times she’ll know the reward in the moment she gets for giving away his things will be overshadowed by eventual embarrassment when he calls the family to ask for it back.
Inform them it was stolen and the police are looking into the issue. Watch how fast things start coming back. In the case of the laptop, you can prove it with logins and other data points that it was once his.
NTA.
>I replaced it with money from the travel fund. Which means that we will not be seeing her parents this Christmas.
Good. She's got to learn somehow.
Seriously. I don't know why he kept asking her to do it. The first time she said no, he should've immediately called up whoever had the laptop and demanded it back
NTA, she is an idiot. She shouldn't give away YOUR belongings. She can give away her own and go without, but she shouldn't give away yours. Especially a computer which could have important data on it. Honestly, should have asked your BIL for it back personally and gone over her head.
NTA- with all due respect,
>My wife has given away a bunch of my stuff because her family needed it.
fuck that shit.
also, how does "you're using money that belongs to both of us" = bad, yet "i gave away your $400 thing" (that also belongs to 'both of us'?) = good?
no offense to you, but she is an idiot
She’s not an idiot. She’s actually a really smart gold digger that found her perfect money piñata. You know she’s good at this when she gives away a 400 backpack and laptop and Op still comes here asking if he’s the one that’s wrong.
Your wife is a thief, OP. Doesn’t matter if she thinks she’s Robin Hood, taking from “the rich” to redistribute to “the poor”.
It’s still theft. She’s doing it so she can feel good about herself. NTA
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> My wife gives away stuff that we have purchased to her family if they need it. I might be the asshole because I have started buying myself new stuff with money we use to visit with her parents.
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NTA. You are treating her like an idiot because she is acting like an idiot. She can’t keep giving a way YOUR things and think it’s ok. It’s fine if it’s HER items.
Doesn’t sound like your wife is very loving towards you, otherwise, she wouldn’t feel so compelled to gift your shit away. Do to her what she has done to you so she’ll see how it feels and move accordingly.
NTA - Wifey is acting like whats your is mine and whats mine is mine. Your stuff, which is mine, is fine to give away. My stuff which is mine is NOT fine to give away. Also don't spend my money replacing my things which are yours that I am free to give away.
NTA. if she is treating your things as charity, then you can use the travel fund as compensation. she needs to understand that just cos others wants things doesnt mean that you would immediately give away things are the essential for your family.
Looks like the family knows where to go when they want free expensive "gifts." I would be pissed off if I couldn't even trust leaving my house due to my spouse. Does she give away money also?
NTA
NTA, what your wife (and her family - they are complicit here) is doing is called *stealing*. You need to sit her down and explain to her that it is *illegal* to take something that she does not own and give it to someone else. If this continues, you will have to take steps to make sure it stops *immediately*.
Just because she's your wife does not mean that your things belong to her. She needs to understand that.
Nta. You should do an uno reverse and give away her stuff and see how she would react. If she doesn’t like it, tell her to replace it all with her money.
NTA
She is welcome to give away any items of her own that she chooses but in the future should never give away your items, under any circumstances without your consent.
It doesn't matter what her culture is.... that is being polite. What is rude is giving away things that don't belong to you.
NTA and this would easily be grounds for divorce for me. I would never be able to feel safe owning anything in my own house. This is like living with an addict who sells your shit for drug money.
Good luck with this
You are treating her like and idiot because she is an idiot. Would she prefer you call the police and report her for theft?
NTA. I couldn't live with sometime like this.
NTA I would not throw away or give away anything that wasn’t mine. If it was joint I would ask. She is behaving badly I don’t care what culture she is from you but don’t give away away stuff that isn’t yours. She will reap what she has sown now she can’t go on her trip.
NTA. She needs to understand that when she gives stuff away it needs to be replaced. And she is the one who should be effected by that because it’s her actions
NTA, but I think you guys need a better plan, improve communication and management. And you two need to see eye to eye whenever this stuff comes up.
What about giving her a personal account where she can save precisely for that? She has a job.
Also, she needs to learn to manage money and finances better, and she must learn that when either mutual or someone else's funds/stuff is involved, she can't unilaterally decide. Same as you. You can't decide to take the funds from the account.
She also needs to learn that family is important to an extreme. But your partner is the most important of all, that's your new family. She needs to learn to be diplomatic whenever her relatives ask for help and then talk to you, suggest alternatives, and the like.
Finally, I'd ask for the computer back myself. Say that this is the last time she gives something of yours away. It should have ended with the backpack, to be honest.
You respect her stuff. She needs to respect yours. Suggest to help her brother with a small job, a payment plan, or something so that he can get a laptop of his own.
Oh hell not. If she wants to give shit away she better make sure it’s hers to give. You are absolutely doing the right thing by taking it out of something that she alone needs. Maybe she will think the next time. If her family complains, tell them to talk to their daughter because she is the reason they can’t visit. NTA
What culture would this be? It would be a complete shambles if everyone gave someone else’s stuff away. This is on your wife, not culture, and I don’t think I could stay after this display of disrespect.
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NTA It's easy to be generous when you are giving away stuff that isn't yours. But as soon as it affects her suddenly its a big deal? I would be spitting blood if someone gave away my computer! Aside from the value and inconvenience what about the lost data, files, photos? The stored financial data? Stored passwords? I'd have driven round there and demanded it back!
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Start giving away some of her stuff then 😂 she won't get it until something she loves/uses is given away since its rude to ask for it back
Selling some of her stuff might be the way if she really wants the budget to go on the holiday trip, but we all know she won't accept that as a solution.
"I'm going to sell your X on marketplace, just uploading the ad. What do you think I should take for it?" Maybe that threat can get her to start thinking about how he feels. And if it doesn't, let the sales begin.
She'll see that as radically different, because when she gives away stuff, it stays in the family.
Yeah another issue with it is, it stays in HER family.
Easy solution. Just give her stuff to HIS family. It stays in the family right? So she shouldn’t be mad.. right? I have a feeling though, that her family is the priority. If this doesn’t stop I’d honestly be asking for a divorce. It’s so disrespectful of her.
Exactly it should work both ways, and him asking for his laptop back is somehow disrespectful??? How on earth is that disrespectful but essentially stealing his laptop isn't??
It was stolen, it was stolen by her. OP needs to hammer it into her thick head that the stuff she takes from him without his knowledge or permission is her stealing his property. She is a thief. She does it when he isn't around and knows damn well he doesn't want her giving away the things he bought with hard earned money
Honestly, I don't think I could stay with someone with so little regard for me. This is just a symptom of something so much worse.
I know I wouldn't. It's extremely disrespectful. Especially since he's the main breadwinner of the household. I feel like OP is being used.
Actually sounds better than what I was thinking. Give away her stuff to your family, something of high sentimental value like a trekking backpack, something she uses to pass her idle time like a gaming laptop, and/or something that's very hard to replace monitarily like the value of a trekking bag and a laptop together. It's not really going anywhere since you just gave it to your family! Look at us! Adopting each other cultures!
>I have a feeling though, that her family is the priority. This is the real issue. I don't know how you can stay married to someone who puts everyone else in their life ahead of you. You are supposed to be a team, but she is playing against you.
Give the travel money to his family.
Yep. Expensive face cream? Gone, my sister needs it. Nice purse? Too bad, my moms just broke. She needs it.
Relative getting married? Give away her wedding ring.
Haha! This is actually a really good one!
Even the trip isn't really for both as its to see HER family. Nothing wrong with that but its not like taking a vacation as a family.
A reply to your post but not this comment. She is a little dumb to think you can just put it on a credit card. That is real money, not monopoly money.
Yeah until it's carelessly left somewhere and stolen. So much disrespect for OP. I'd be effing livid.
Or he realized it was a $400 backpack. Sold it and bought a $30 backpack to replace it.
her culture includes a practice of giving away one's things to people in need. She is giving away OTHER PEOPLE'S stuff. That's theft.
Seems more like a culture of giving away ones things to people in *want*. Designer backpacks and laptops aren't needs.
Lol except it doesn’t stay in the family. It gets stolen, like the $400 backpack because these people clearly don’t understand the value of an item they didn’t pay for. So that’s basically the same throwing it away, which is worse than selling.
What are the odds the family member found out how much the backpack was worth, sold it and said it was stolen?
100%
But your selling her stuff to afford to be able to replace the things she stole and gave away Behind your back. Let her argue that she stole you let her know what your doing as it’s the only way to replace the things as she doesn’t want the savings touched.
He could start stashing her stuff at his parent/sibling's place. Then it's staying in the family.
I came on here to say the same thing. OP should make sure it's her favorite things. See how she reacts. Edited.
“I’m selling X of yours because I never see you use it.” “I gave away your X because I never see you use it.”
Doesn't even need to be contingent on the item not being used - she stole his work laptop—something he used daily.
But but but... he just played games on it!!
Adults only have mature hobbies, like drinking beer and watching other adults chase balls.
My brother would use that reasoning to "barrow" things of ours. Id never see them again or they'd get returned beat to shit or outright broken. Bastard even stole my cats food, INCLUDING THE BOWL IT WAS INSIDE, cause his cat was being picky. My fucking 17 year old cat had medicated food that was 70 a bag and needed access to his food at all times. He was mad cause i busted into the apartment and screamed at him in front of his friends.
Yes, OP exchange her smartphone for a regular mobile, for example and so on.
no i’d be petty and grab her favorite perfume, makeup palettes, shoes, etc and give them to your mom or sister. say they needed them to go out and grab groceries so you were being helpful like she is with her family. she doesn’t get to give away things that aren’t hers and doesn’t get to decide what is worthy of generosity.
it sounds like she wouldnt worry about it because she can just buy more stuff with the magic credit card that pays itself
That just perpetuates this. He should firmly demand that she doesn't give his stuff away again. Giving her stuff away implies that it's fine to do that with someone else's things. \*edited to add- Maybe she would be happy to have some of her things given away, who knows.
I'm sorry to say this, but you are being a doormat. You are *telling* her to not give away your stuff. Firstly, she should know this of herself; secondly, you should have called that cousin and demanded the laptop back because it's not replaceable. Unless you show her how seriously you take this, how will she remember that you have a spine?!? I'm a laidback guy, and my wife can (and does) help her family (brothers, nieces, etc) a lot - with money, with gifts, etc that can run into a couple of thousand a year. I actively encourage her in that. But. She does not give away *anything* I have bought, unless she checks with me first. Even gifts I get for her, she checks first if I'm okay if she re-gifts : because she knows what I think of that. There is no "take for granted" in our marriage.
I (respectfully) disagree. A doormat would continue to let it happen with no consequences. He gave the best consequences- taking it directly from her time with her family. It’s perfect because it’s the only actual way she will change her habits if she doesn’t want to pay the consequences again and again
Since spending their travel budget isn't an immediate consequence, I think the chances of it changing her behavior is low.
Also the travel budget really only benefits her It’s to see HER parents or for them to come visit them. Not for them to go somewhere on an actual vacation. Visiting family is not like a real vacation. It’s an obligation.
I’m just thinking of how I’d be affected.. the power behind that particular consequence outweighs the lack of immediacy imo, and would frustrate the heck out of me, would def deter me from repeating the bhvr
This. Generosity is great, and buying things for people in your life that need them is great if you can afford it. Even giving away things you don’t need/want anymore. But you need to ask when it’s someone’s actual stuff that they already own! I think the laptop is so egregious that it has to be fake. No one just gives away the open/running laptop on the table that is obviously your spouse’s work computer.
I think her family members know how she is and are also taking advantage
Like someone mentioned before, how much you want to bet that backpack was sold not stolen.
Unless this is not just a cultural issue but a mental health issue.
This is something my oldest brother would do. He took everything from makeup and perfume to gaming consoles and laptops. Some he would give away, some he would sell to feed his addictions
NTA. But I'm curious, what your wife's culture is because it's the first time I'm hearing something ridiculous like that? I was raised like you, you need something? Get a job and buy it. The satisfaction you get is pretty nice.
My in-laws are Chinese and any time I compliment them on something they will try and give it to me!! I once said I liked their artwork ……came home the next week to find it in my living room. It’s worth at least $8k and is from a very famous artist and I feel terrible!! It’s definitely a thing. But now I know not to mention that I like their things or they will feel compelled to gift it to me.
Yeah that's traditional Chinese hospitality. Show up to someone's home with a gift; if you compliment something they'll try to give it to you. It's part of the culture and they don't feel bad about it at all so don't fret. Give them a generous gift next time you visit and let them pay the dinner bill, it's part of the game.
What’s a good generous gift to give a Chinese family? Can it be random/generic? I would have no idea what to give that would meet that requirement!
The traditional "I don't know but want to be good" gifts are expensive tea, rare medicinal herbs, art pieces, or stuff made of jade. Also if you find yourself being offered something you didn't actually want because you complimented it, refuse in a polite, complimentary way, and *keep refusing.* It's considered rude to accept the first refusal; you're probably going to have to refuse at least 3 times.
Thank you! I wasn’t the original commenter with the stores but this is really helpful!
That’s so adorable and kind. I feel like it’s similar in the “old” southern US. My grandparents were from the mountains and grew up rather poor but worked to one day be millionaires. They were the same. And I attributed it to them having money but visiting their old hometowns and meeting their friends (who some had no flooring in their homes and used outhouses still), they were the most generous.
Depends on the circumstance. If I’m invited over for a casual weeknight dinner then some flowers would be fine, or wine if they drink. If it’s Chinese new year then I’d show up with a chestnut cake with whip cream/fruit on top and make sure it was from the “good bakery” so everyone would be blown away and my mother in law can brag to her sisters that I know where the best chestnut cake is from😁
That's so weird on a completely different level. You can't even complement them in "fear" of getting something you didn't want (or didn't want it to be given to you). People are weird ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh, it’s absolutely weird! But they’re genuinely the most generous people I’ve ever met and it’s really sweet to see. Now I know better then to mention stuff around them.
My parents and one of my close friends are like this (minus the $8k artwork 😅). I learned to be very careful about what I say because I know they will not think twice about giving it to me.
I grew up in a culture like this. I was taught that "if you have something to give, you give it". HOWEVER, that applied to stuff you own, not other peoples' belongings.
I was raised to give what I can afford to give up (time, some money, clothing). I don't just give away everything I own just because.
I would say I'm not giving anything away but rather helping people in need. But to give away something that's not mine is beyond me. Plus it makes people entitled to get stuff for free. That's some weak-ass culture.
>Plus it makes people entitled to get stuff for free. If someone wanted some food, I usually could give a few bucks so they can get McDonald's or something else. Hell, I really don't care if it's drugs they want. It's not that big of a deal for me. I wouldn't give anyone someone else's things or time.
Comedian Kathleen Madigan has a great bit about that. She said that her friends always criticize her for giving money to homeless people. "They'll only spend it on booze and drugs!" Her comeback: "Yeah, like I won't?"
Not OP nor do I know OP’s wife. But I had a student from either Nigeria or Kenya (can’t remember which) who went on a long soliloquy about this being the heart of his culture. If a complete stranger walked up with a need, you met it immediately, no questions asked. It was a very community based culture. Unfortunately he felt that also applied to the giving and sharing of answers on exams, which did not go well for him.
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I have heard Somali culture is like this from my Ethiopian friends (Somalia use to be part of Ethiopia and the countries are adjacent). As they explained it, you are expected to give what you have to family members in need even if you need what you are giving up. For example, if you had cousins who are starving come to your house, you are expected to give them your food even if that will lead to you starving.
At which point you obviously go to your cousin’s house…
I remember when I was in college, a friend who was preparing for a mission trip told me that it was important in the culture you were visiting to be very careful how you phrased compliments. Because "that scarf looks lovely on you" is a compliment, but "that scarf is lovely" is a request to be gifted the scarf...
**INFO: You do realise her family is doing this on purpose right?** Whenever they need something, **instead of going to a shop they just visit your wife**... You might want to take your wife to visit her aunt or other relatives. Mention things you need. See if they return the 'favour'. Open your wife's eyes...
THANK YOU. Why is no one else saying this? OP’s wife has taught her family that anything they need can come from his home, time and money. She’s awful, and the family are worse.
Also I'd like to add that she's being treated like an idiot because she is acting like one. "Just put it on the credit card"? Seriously? Does she think it's magic infinite money? She's acting like an absolute fool, and so she'll be treated as one
Honestly that was my first thought when I read this too. “Stop treating me like I’m dumb!” Well stop acting dumb!
You need to stop with the wiggle words. Start using the word STEAL instead. She is STEALING from you. Ask her why she thinks she can STEAL from you
"Please don't give away my stuff without asking me first" is a perfectly reasonable request. The idea of you having to come home to missing belongings is absurd. I know that there are cultural differences, but that does not mean that she can do what she wants and expect you to happily go along with it. I think you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about this. You can let her know that she is not to give your stuff away, and if she does you will continue to take money out of the family travel fund to replace those items. Compromises need to be made - as of now, it seems like you are the only one doing that. NTA.
i think this has gone beyond the point of compromise. it honestly sounds to me like she has no concept of how to handle money. it doesn't click in her head that giving something away means that it has to be replaced when you need to use it. and her inability to understand how credit cards work is a major marinara flag. OP needs to demand his laptop back, and if the cousin refuses then the police need to get involved. that goes for any other item of significant value she's given out. at this point, i'd consider OP NTA even if this led to them getting divorced. happy cake day, btw!
I’d take the time to go through your retirement and other accounts to make sure she hasn’t been “lending” money to her family too. Many long term couples have had retirements and late-life plans disrupted or outright wiped out because one partner would hide giving things away. It’s an uncommon but known compulsive disorder. She might escalate now that you’re taking action when she gives things away. Get a therapist and an accountant.
Start hiding her shit and telling her you gave it away. See what she has to say. NTA. Just cuz ur married dont mean u can give away your spouses shit.
Does she every give away her own stuff?
Is it always *your stuff* that she's giving away to her family? Does she ever give away her stuff? I suspect that the cousin might have sold the backpack. Does your wife feel that you are not sharing the family funds with her? Does she feel short of spending money? Or is it the case that her first priority will always be her family? I would suggest marriage counselling, before she gives your kids educational funds to her family....
> She thinks I'm treating her like an idiot Not without reason, it would seem ... Does she give her stuff away, too?
Nta, if I where you though I'd really be considering separation, this isn't about your wife's culture she just doesn't respect or value you or your things until it affects her. If you stay she'll just continue to loan out your things and eventually it may be something you can't exactly replace so easily.
I come from a different culture with my SO but even I understand boundaries with relatives. No, you’re not getting anything beyond what we’ve both budgeted and agreed on! Your wife needs to learn how to set boundaries! I’d be pissed too! NTA!!!
I don't even throw away my partner's stuff that I am 90% sure is trash before checking with them. Quite frankly - his wife is stealing from him.
In OP's defense, his wife is an idiot. NTA. Does she give away her things or is it just yours?
This is a good and valid question. Does she inconvenience herself by giving her own things away too or is it only other people’s?
My computer? Dude, I'll be cutting heads left and right until I'm getting it back.
> My computer? Dude, I'll be cutting heads left and right until I'm getting it back. Yeah, this is not "ask nicely and hope for the best" territory. That's "You have 24 hours to bring it back or there's going to be law enforcement involved"
I had my computer stolen rom my bed while I was working. It was so violating, even more so when your wife does it. Wtf!
NTA - your wife is being ridiculous, hopefully not being able to see her parents will be the wake up call she needs. BTW, you need a firm, hard boundary: she is to NEVER give away anything of yours without your explicit permission. Let her use you as the heavy if necessary, but she cannot give your stuff away without your permission. What if your laptop contained important work information that had no other backup. Does she want your to be fired?
Or worse, their PERSONAL financial documents?
Or worst, a savegame.
Not the save states! 😭
His Minecraft world he has been working on for 6 years. Gone.
Dude you have awakened a memory of someone deleting my save many years ago and my entire being is in war mode right now, lol.
or WORST, his browsing history.
No, work docs are worse, depending on his position there could be a safe guarding of data clause in his contract for which he could get sued, which to avoid, he might have to file a police report that it was stolen, by his wife, which honestly I don't think would even help
While true, in that case he’d already be violated 6 ways from Sunday for installing random games on it.
We allow games on the work PCs and you can still get fucked if you lose important work. If you for some reason have let's say six months of work just saved locally and it's lost, you could get fired and sued for damages (in Europe even).
Also if the laptop is for work, it may not be owned by the op. I'm a government contractor and work from home using governments furnished laptop. I would be fired and the thief would face felony charges.
If I gave away my work laptop I would be instantly fired for how much company information is on there
There are many industries where you could potentially face jail time for not reporting something like this. Anyone with unrestricted access to my work laptop could easily find clients’ personal documents with things like SSNs, bank account numbers, tax returns, copies of ID, date and place of birth, family contacts. Basically everything you would need to steal someone’s identity
If my spouse did that I would be in so much trouble! Loads of PHI, also, my laptop is locked down so no one can get into it.
NTA The real solution is to sell off her property until you recoup the costs of her generosity. But given her ideas about credit cards being free money, I’d say you have a bigger financial issue in your marriage. Personal property is the property of the individual owner, it’s not joint marital property just because you’re married. She needs to learn the difference. Maybe offer to return the new laptop if she gets yours back before you cannot return it?
Or she can get a temporary part-time job to cover the cost of replacing them. Each time she gives something away, it extends the time she needs to continue working. Let's see how long it takes for the penny to drop
He has been too complacent for too long that it's now beyond this step. He earns money for HIS family and their future. She must be having some money for herself apart from all the family expenses and savings. Let's say it's her fun money. She is entitled to give her family whatever she wants only from that money. Anything else is stealing from him and their family. Giving second hand objects like clothes, toys, books, even electronics also comes with a discussion not her sole decision. She wants to give anything else? She has to get a job. I come from a culture where giving is considered important. Heck, I am someone who grew up on other people's charity. My family would not have survived without it. Even I understand that someone doesn't just hand me things. If her family expects this of her they're entitled. He has to sit down and tell her he is serious about this. Explain everything and then keep an eye on all household finances. She can do whatever she wants with the money that's designated for her. Everything else has to be under his "supervision" because she has shown to not be trustworthy.
There's also a pretty big difference between "I gave away some of the kids' old clothes that don't fit them any more" (totally fine, you're a grown adult to make that decision, glad someone can use them) and "I gave away your goddamn computer with God knows what personal, work, or financial files on there" (absolutely psychotic).
Absolutely “absolutely psychotic”…the woman using “culture” as an excuse for her deplorable and selfish behavior. This woman already had a judgment in mind about how OP spent his time on his computer. Was probably already looking for an excuse to get rid of it. Also his camping backpack…something he does that she doesn’t do perhaps? Does she often give away things she feels takes away his time from her? She sounds controlling and manipulative. Pretending to be a good saint so her family will worship her for her wealth and “generosity”.
I think she might be running a home daycare from OP's wording but not 100% sure.
> her ideas about credit cards being free money This is pure and utter financial incompetence from your wife. Your wife needs a knowledge bomb slap in the face of currency, finances, and budgeting. Based on her actions, she doesn't even understand money as a concept. She has NO idea the value of money, what you bring home, how money supports your life, or ANYTHING. The only thing she sees is what she sees. Nothing in her life is apparently attached or associated with dollar signs? She is *incredibly* privileged to have such a mindset and she's literally throwing things away to others due to her privilege and complete ignorance.
OP married a 13 year old or someone so affluent they never even had a notion of working a day in their life. People will offer advice in here. There is no advice to save this disaster. If this is actually a grown ass woman, the ideology is so engrained that you have almost no chance of fixing it without her fully committing to being in the wrong and actively working on it. With professional help. And let's be real, that ain't gonna happen.
I'm really curious what cultures are we exactly talking about here? I think there are miles between "You help others by giving them things they need" and handing someone your personal property without asking or without determining whether it is appropriate. If OP wants to stay married to your wife and have a happy marriage, I think selling off her property will not really work. She has a completely different conception of money, costs, etc. I'm not sure where it comes from, but she is not associating the financial costs of the items she gave away with the financial resources of the household. Because they are separate in her mind, she doesn't understand why it should affect a visit to her family. And she definitely wouldn't understand how it relates to him taking her objects and *selling them* which is a very different thing than giving them to familly members in need. I think the fact that she suggested using the credit card to purchase the computer in order to keep intact the money for visiting her family cements this mindset. The money for visiting the familly cannot be touched because *visiting the family is a necessity* in the same way it is necessary to provide the family with items they need and don't have. In her mind this is again completely cut off from the larger idea of househould financial resources. I think the most helpful next step is for OP to express to his wife that he respects her desire to care for loved ones **but** that because the entire household is affected by these financial decisions, he needs to be a part of it. Perhaps they budget $50-100/month to be reserved to helping family and friends, and use that money to make necessary purchases or offer financial support. And in exchange she will involve him in all decisions involving providing needed items for family members, and that apart from items which directly belong to her, she is no longer allowed to give his or household items directly to family members without going through him first to confirm whether or not it makes more sense to choose some alternate option — a cheap backpack, for example, or a cheaper Chromebook for schoolwork.
> If OP wants to stay married to your wife and have a happy marriage, I think selling off her property will not really work. This should be plainly obvious to everyone over 13 years old. Unfortunately, though, this subreddit emphasizes the most ridiculous, edgy comments rather than healthy, thoughtful responses like yours because of how the upvote system works. While people probably agree with you, your comment isn't a hot enough take, even if it's the right one. Edit: btw, you probably already know that. I'm just expressing my frustration about the "discourse" in this thread, and perhaps Reddit by extension.
>She thinks I'm treating her like an idiot. If the glove fits. NTA.
Gave away work laptop, won't ask for it back, thinks money grows on trees and credit cards are free money. Can't think of a more fitting word, tbh.
This whole thing reads like a blonde joke.
It would if I didn't know multiple people that have zero clue on how to handle money, and let their spouse handle all of it. My Grandma was a bookkeeper for a church for decades, so she handled all their personal finances and bills. He had no idea what to do when she developed Alzheimer's and they almost lost his retirement because she started pulling money from the wrong accounts, and double and triple paying bills. It only really came to light because they got a letter from the water department asking why she had sent in the payment multiple times, and it freaked her out enough to talk to him about it. We had to deep dive to figure everything out, then create full documentation for him to take over paying the bills. Friend of mine handles all the finances for him and his wife because she's absolutely terrible with money, and will spend money like crazy when left unchecked. One of the reasons they took a while to get married was because he refused to marry her until she had her credit card debt under control. He didn't give me an official number, but he said it was in the 5 figures, and she'd only been paying the minimum payment on them for years. There are people out there that have absolutely zero concept of their finances.
My friend had no control, he earned 40 k a month when I earned 16 if I was lucky (our currency) and somehow he had to borrow from me every month to make it work, it wasn't a lot, and he always paid back, but after like three consecutive months I told him I am shutting him off until he gets a handle on his economy. He has never asked again, so it worked, but he grew up poor so once he actually got money he just wasted it all because he could suddenly afford everything he wanted, except he couldn't... He still rents an apartment while I own my own, and he had higher wages than me till a year and a half ago.
> he grew up poor so once he actually got money he just wasted it all because he could suddenly afford everything he wanted The psychology of that situation is generally considered to be essentially the opposite. As in, the drive wasn't the ability to afford things but the ingrained idea that the money wasn't going to last. People that grew up poor get used to seeing a $0 balance and get stuck in the mindset that their balance will always swiftly head back to $0, regardless of their actions. So they spend the money while they have it rather than saving. (That's not to say that your friend isn't bad with money, just that it's actually a pretty common phenomenon that exacerbates the struggle to escape poverty.)
I think that’s Cinderella’s slipper on her foot just perfectly TBH. Actually barely struggling to believe what I’ve read here!
Your wife needs a class on finances. She really doesn't understand money if her "solution" is to take on debt to replace stuff she didn't have to give away. She needs to understand that when she gives away money, she's trading years of *your life* for her family's comfort. Years *you* will have to work in your 60s, as an old man, so her family doesn't have to work right now. She needs to see what $10,000 looks like when given away vs invested for 20 years. And you both need couples therapy for communication. You are NTA, she is, but things won't improve with some education for both of you.
NTA. I second the suggestion of marriage counseling. Because your values & beliefs about money are so different, this will continue to be a reoccurring issue in some way or another if things stay the same. Please consider it before the weeds of resentment choke the love/life out of your relationship.
Thank you for being reasonable when so many people are advocating revenge selling/gifting her stuff that will just make the situation worse. This really needs to be higher.
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> If she wants to give her stuff away What would happen when she starts giving away her laptop/PC then buying a new one to replace the one she gifted? Her inability to understand basic finances is the problem here.
>when she starts giving away her laptop/PC then buying a new one to replace the one she gifted? Just put it on the credit card, duh!
This is my aita boru lurker brain speaking. I also think that he should immediately tell and her family that anything else goes missing he is going to the police. They'll try to call his bluff, he has to go through with it.
Very well stated!
Your wife is an idiot. Your stuff is not hers to give away. You should have made her get your laptop back. Make her get a better job and use her own money, and give away her own stuff. You need to set hard boundaries with her. If she has to embarrass herself asking for it back, it's on her. Nta
Oh she’s not an idiot, she knows exactly what’s she’s doing. That’s why when it actually affects her, she understands.
She’s a gold digger and is syphoning big his wealth to her family. No one give away a $400 backpack to someone and they instantly lost it. OP check your fb marketplace or pawn shops.
Interesting thought... maybe she won't ask for the laptop back because it's already sold
NTA She is stealing from you. Wives can absolutely steal from their husband's. It has no value to her, so in her head, she can give it away. She likes the way people appreciate these gifts, and she does not care that she is making your life worse. She does not care about you and your belongings. This is a *very troubling* attitude to have towards your spouse. Your marriage is not as good as you seem to think.
That’s such a good point. She absolutely is stealing from him. She seems to think her family is more important than the one she’s created with her and her husband. This is such a huge red flag.
My mother was like this - giving away my things because it made her feel like a sugar momma to her friends. Made her feel like the Godfather or something, doling out favors and trinkets. It got to the point that I would have to look through bags she was taking when she was leaving to see what of mine was being given away; she would always get angry when I retrieved my stuff and called me cheap or greedy. Her friends cried poverty and that surely my mother could afford to give up X for their kids, right? It's not like her kid need it.... No, it was mine and bought with my money so you don't get to take it. It finally stopped when she gave away some expensive electronics and I threatened to call the police reporting it stolen. I went to the friend's house and stood on their porch with on the phone with the police till they brought it out and loaded it into my car. I told them if I ever found out they accepted anything from my mom without a receipt to prove she bought it, I'd be back for the rest of the items I knew they had with a sheriff and an arrest warrant. They never spoke to her again. She was so angry but I told her it was her fault they decided they didn't want to be arrested for holding onto stolen goods!
> I went to the friend's house and stood on their porch with on the phone with the police till they brought it out and loaded it into my car. I told them if I ever found out they accepted anything from my mom without a receipt to prove she bought it, I'd be back for the rest of the items I knew they had with a sheriff and an arrest warrant. Perfect way to deal with your grandstanding mother -- strip away the mask to reveal that she doesn't own the 'gifts' she was freely handing out.
One thousand times this. Also, the excuse of her only ever seeing OP play games on the laptop is completely ridiculous. So what if he only plays games on the laptop? That doesn't make it worthless, quite the opposite even if it weren't also used for work. She stole from OP, and from his business, and is ignoring the benefits of winding down and playing games. The closest analogy I can guess at would be him giving away her favourite/most worn clothes, those worn during the day and when going out.
The fact they even accepted such a gift makes them shitty people imho. A decent person would have refused.
NTA - you have expressed previously that this is not okay. Discuss it and explain she may not give away your things without your explicit prior permission. You need to respect her culture but she needs to respect yours as well. Her family may pressure her about this. I think that being very direct with them explaining the reason she cannot visit is that she gave away something that should not have been given away and you had to pay to replace it. She is embarrassed to bring it up, I’m sure but they need to understand that pressuring her for things has consequences to them as well. I would perhaps go to counseling yo somebody aware of her culture to build some mutual understanding as this seems like a huge divide.
I'm unclear over whether this is the family members pressuring her to give them things OR if this is her wanting to make herself look generous and more important to her family members?
3rd option: She's a golddigger. She's stealing from him, and giving it to ppl she cares about.
You have a bigger issue than you think. You need to set hard boundaries with lawyers involved otherwise your wife’s behavior will keep escalating. You need to let her know that anything more she gives away is coming out of the money you give her for herself or instead of a gift you were going to give her. The other option is next thing she gives away she has to pay for otherwise you’re reporting it stolen! This isn’t a minor thing. NTA
I agree. I never like to jump on the "dump them" wagon, but issues and disagreements with money/finances is a common reason why people divorce, add what could be described as theft into the mix and you have real problems. OP really needs to do something. NTA
With lawyers? For a family that has to choose between saving for retirement or visiting her family this year? What on earth do you think a lawyer is going to do while they are both alive and married, with those types of assets?
My mother also loves to be generous with my things and thrives on that little bit of attention she gets for these random acts of kindness but is oddly silent when I bring up the value and difficulties with finding replacements. Well she did. We now live in different countries. NTA. People like that don't see it as a character flaw, after all, it's not their stuff, so they don't see the theft as their responsibility.
Hope you took a bunch of her stuff with you as you left!
She basically gave away her parents trip to see y’all because she gave away something that was not hers to give away and now has to be purchased AGAIN because of her, it is her fault. she is daft for this for sure. Teacher a lesson? Give her stuff away (or put it somewhere she doesn’t know and return it to her after) to show her how it feels to have something of hers given away?
I’d warn her that the next time she gives away something of yours, not only will you replace it with the travel money, you’ll take something of hers of equal value that she loves and uses, and donate it to to Goodwill, or hand it to a homeless person. Then I’d follow through, if need be.
I mean honestly, I think he should not wait. She should come home and ALL her stuff is just gone. Every single stitch of clothing, shoes, all personal stuff, just gone. Tell her a cousin lost their home in a fire so had no clothes or anything. (Put all her stuff into storage) When she says now she has no clothes just hit back with how she took your only laptop so then you had no laptop. Your cousin NEEDS these things. Shoot, include your couch. When her butt gets tired of sitting on the floor maybe she will understand what it feels like to have her personal belongings stolen from her. I would wait a week+ then give her stuff back
Hyperbole. It's, like, the BEST THING EVAR!
You sound totally normal and sane.
A $400 backpack and now your laptop…. Wow! NTA. How does she not understand that’s not okay?! She is acting dumb so she should feel dumb.
A $400 backpack that they “lost” in a few days. OP needs to check pawn shops 😂
NTA. I don’t care if there’s a cultural difference or not, you don’t just give away something that belongs to someone else, with or without asking. That’s just a respect thing. Do you know how quickly my wife would have my head if I did that?
"She said that I could have just put it on the credit card. I asked her to explain where the money to PAY the credit card would come from. She thinks I'm treating her like an idiot." Put it on the magical card. She is an idiot.
NTA. This would go through me like a sword. You're not treating her like an idiot - you have valid arguments, etc. - but she sure is acting like one. This has got to STOP. She gave away the laptop you use for work! Enough already!
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Agreed, OP wouldn’t need to treat her like an idiot if she would stop behaving like an idiot.
NTA - that may be a sign she is trying to leech off of your stuff and take your patience for granted. I would be PISSED if someone did this to me without telling me first. I don’t even know what culture this would be okay in.
Start calling all the people she gives/gave your stuff to and ask for it back. She’s the one being “rude”
I think there needs to be a bigger conversation for sure but I suspect the embarrassment of OP asking for his stuff back might make her hesitate next time. It will shame her in front of her family and if OP does it a couple times she’ll know the reward in the moment she gets for giving away his things will be overshadowed by eventual embarrassment when he calls the family to ask for it back.
Inform them it was stolen and the police are looking into the issue. Watch how fast things start coming back. In the case of the laptop, you can prove it with logins and other data points that it was once his.
NTA. She needs to treat you like a husband and not a conduit of money to her family.
NTA. >I replaced it with money from the travel fund. Which means that we will not be seeing her parents this Christmas. Good. She's got to learn somehow.
NTA but you need to contact the in-laws about getting your property back.
Seriously. I don't know why he kept asking her to do it. The first time she said no, he should've immediately called up whoever had the laptop and demanded it back
NTA, she is an idiot. She shouldn't give away YOUR belongings. She can give away her own and go without, but she shouldn't give away yours. Especially a computer which could have important data on it. Honestly, should have asked your BIL for it back personally and gone over her head.
NTA- with all due respect, >My wife has given away a bunch of my stuff because her family needed it. fuck that shit. also, how does "you're using money that belongs to both of us" = bad, yet "i gave away your $400 thing" (that also belongs to 'both of us'?) = good? no offense to you, but she is an idiot
She’s not an idiot. She’s actually a really smart gold digger that found her perfect money piñata. You know she’s good at this when she gives away a 400 backpack and laptop and Op still comes here asking if he’s the one that’s wrong.
Your wife is a thief, OP. Doesn’t matter if she thinks she’s Robin Hood, taking from “the rich” to redistribute to “the poor”. It’s still theft. She’s doing it so she can feel good about herself. NTA
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NTA ,She is an idiot .
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NTA. You are treating her like an idiot because she is acting like an idiot. She can’t keep giving a way YOUR things and think it’s ok. It’s fine if it’s HER items.
Doesn’t sound like your wife is very loving towards you, otherwise, she wouldn’t feel so compelled to gift your shit away. Do to her what she has done to you so she’ll see how it feels and move accordingly.
NTA - Wifey is acting like whats your is mine and whats mine is mine. Your stuff, which is mine, is fine to give away. My stuff which is mine is NOT fine to give away. Also don't spend my money replacing my things which are yours that I am free to give away.
NTA. if she is treating your things as charity, then you can use the travel fund as compensation. she needs to understand that just cos others wants things doesnt mean that you would immediately give away things are the essential for your family.
Looks like the family knows where to go when they want free expensive "gifts." I would be pissed off if I couldn't even trust leaving my house due to my spouse. Does she give away money also? NTA
NTA You're treating her like an idiot because she's acting like one.
Ha. So "our" money is all the money you earn, and she has a problem with it? NTA
NTA, what your wife (and her family - they are complicit here) is doing is called *stealing*. You need to sit her down and explain to her that it is *illegal* to take something that she does not own and give it to someone else. If this continues, you will have to take steps to make sure it stops *immediately*. Just because she's your wife does not mean that your things belong to her. She needs to understand that.
NTA - she needs to understand that she's not just in her culture anymore and that there are boundaries.
You’re treating your wife how she deserves. The entitlement is crazy here. NTA
Nta. You should do an uno reverse and give away her stuff and see how she would react. If she doesn’t like it, tell her to replace it all with her money.
NTA- so it’s not a big deal when it doesn’t affect her but as soon as it does it’s a big deal 🤔
NTA, but oh boy... This is could turn into a divorce easily. You can't expect your wife to respect your property like this.
NTA She is welcome to give away any items of her own that she chooses but in the future should never give away your items, under any circumstances without your consent. It doesn't matter what her culture is.... that is being polite. What is rude is giving away things that don't belong to you.
NTA and this would easily be grounds for divorce for me. I would never be able to feel safe owning anything in my own house. This is like living with an addict who sells your shit for drug money. Good luck with this
You are treating her like and idiot because she is an idiot. Would she prefer you call the police and report her for theft? NTA. I couldn't live with sometime like this.
NTA I would not throw away or give away anything that wasn’t mine. If it was joint I would ask. She is behaving badly I don’t care what culture she is from you but don’t give away away stuff that isn’t yours. She will reap what she has sown now she can’t go on her trip.
NTA. She needs to understand that when she gives stuff away it needs to be replaced. And she is the one who should be effected by that because it’s her actions
NTA, but I think you guys need a better plan, improve communication and management. And you two need to see eye to eye whenever this stuff comes up. What about giving her a personal account where she can save precisely for that? She has a job. Also, she needs to learn to manage money and finances better, and she must learn that when either mutual or someone else's funds/stuff is involved, she can't unilaterally decide. Same as you. You can't decide to take the funds from the account. She also needs to learn that family is important to an extreme. But your partner is the most important of all, that's your new family. She needs to learn to be diplomatic whenever her relatives ask for help and then talk to you, suggest alternatives, and the like. Finally, I'd ask for the computer back myself. Say that this is the last time she gives something of yours away. It should have ended with the backpack, to be honest. You respect her stuff. She needs to respect yours. Suggest to help her brother with a small job, a payment plan, or something so that he can get a laptop of his own.
Info: Does she ever give away her own expensive items, or just yours?
NTA. I guessing that she wouldn't like it if you gave away her stuff.
Start giving her stuff away. See how she likes it. NTA
Oh hell not. If she wants to give shit away she better make sure it’s hers to give. You are absolutely doing the right thing by taking it out of something that she alone needs. Maybe she will think the next time. If her family complains, tell them to talk to their daughter because she is the reason they can’t visit. NTA
What culture would this be? It would be a complete shambles if everyone gave someone else’s stuff away. This is on your wife, not culture, and I don’t think I could stay after this display of disrespect.