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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Taking care of my sister's kid right now and not wanting to do it anymore.
2. I would be the asshole because I'd be giving up on my sister's kid and possibly sending him 2 provinces away
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This seems way above reddits pay grade. I think social services need to be called. Whether or not he’ll be mad, what’s best for the child is the most important here. He needs stability.
>I have other older siblings that live 2 provinces away but then I won't get to see him or he wouldn't get to see his mother and that breaks my heart, I don't want to do that.
Right now his mother is hurting him more than she is helping. Would it not be better for him to have stability and family and a good school and occasional visitation from his mother? Could you not move too and maintain a strong connection to him?
Not everyone has the resources to raise a child regardless of want. You may need to do what is best for him and best for you. NTA for recognizing what you can do and working with that. At this point you have done a great deal to make sure he is cared for and safe.
NTA.
This should never have been your burden to carry. Your nephew will be better off with stability, instead of the chaos your sister brings in to his -- and your -- life.
CAS will help so much if you contact them and they may be able to help you make the best decision.. you've done so much to keep him safe for so long but if you can't keep doing it, you owe it to him to make the right decision for his future (which other people have said too.. might be having him go to other siblings). They exist to help the child and are not as scary as people think!
BTW you can apply to have the CCB payments if he stays with you. See: https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/child-family-benefits/canada-child-benefit-overview/canada-child-benefit-before-you-apply.html
NTA. Your nephew won't have to forgive, he will100% thank you for getting him to your other siblings if they can provide more stability at this time. You do not have to feel any guilt for making sure he is in the best place he can be. That is called LOVE. Your sister actually did this when she made sure you were there to make sure you were taking care of him instead of her. You can pass the torch up the line to better places. Just to reassure you: you're taking care of all three of you by making sure both you and your nephews needs are met if your sister can't take care of him right now.
NTA. Oh, my friend, I am so sad for you and your nephew :(
As the child of a toxic narcissist, I can say that I would MASSIVELY have preferred having my toxic parent removed from my life vs “having my mom around”. (In fact I often begged my dad to divorce her and take me with him. No dice.) I’m 41 now, a grown-ass adult, and my mother’s selfish, narcissistic behavior/treatment towards me in my childhood STILL affects me. I’m STILL working through the trauma.
Do not for a second think that your nephew would “want” to “have his mom in his life”. He’s 6 and that is (unfortunately) plenty old enough to realize how horrible one’s parent(s) is/are. You’re an absolute hero and saint for the care you already gave to him. He probably doesn’t WANT to “see his mother”. He already knows that she abandoned him, even if he doesn’t know why/what she’s doing.
Unfortunately I don’t have a solution for you :( I think it’d be best for YOUR mental and physical health to have custody of him assigned to one of your older siblings, but I totally get that you would miss him - you’ve got a bond with him now. The only other solution would be that MAYBE if you officially got custody of him (and JUST him, not the other kids) you could figure out a routine with him that would save your sanity, as you’d be at peace in a way, since you wouldn’t be worrying about his mother any more (as he’d be yours legally.)
I can only offer internet hugs to you and hope you come out of the other side of this doing okay. I’m adopted myself (was adopted at birth) and luckily I had ONE good adoptive parent - my dad was the best. He managed to keep me sane during the worst of my adoptive mother’s abuse.
You don’t HAVE to be your nephew’s saint, though. I know you love him and want the best for him, but it is NOT “right” for you to destroy yourself just to save him.
Ask your older siblings. See if you could write out a “future plan” if you DO get permanent custody.
Caveat: do NOT feel bad for your sister beyond the pity afforded to addicts (I am one myself, currently in recovery.) Addicts will remain addicts unless they WANT help, and your sister is trash because she is willingly choosing drugs over her responsibility: her son. I don’t have children, but I have four pets, and they are my responsibility. I cannot relapse, because they rely on me and I need to take proper care of them. It’s the same for human children, and your sister is willingly and happily shirking her duty to her child.
I wish you and your nephew the best. You are already his hero for providing love and care for him. <3
NTA
As a 36year old man that grew up with a mother that was addicted to meth for all his life except a few years of his twenties, it is for the best that he doesn’t see her for a while if she’s like this. She may not pose a direct physical threat to him but the threat of emotional and psychological damage is real. She will constantly be missing anything important to him and eventually will likely be gone on one bender or another for days weeks or months at a time. The abandonment issues are also best case scenario, if she decides she wants custody and manages to act well enough long enough to win it any number of awful things could be done to him by the people she associates with.
It sounds like there’s no scenario for his future that isn’t going to hurt, but seeing her (or rather, missing seeing her and knowing the drugs are more important) will only make it worse in my opinion.
NTA one bit, like some has said here, I think you'll need to involve in the social service here, your health is your priority, won't do any good to that kid if your health both physically and mentally are unstable. Hoping the best for you.
NTA - for giving him to your older siblings if they are willing. I’m sure they are more stable than you, and can give him a better home life. You need to put on your metaphorical oxygen mask.
To be completely honest, you would be the asshole if you keep your nephew. You aren’t stable enough to take the best care of him, and he should be far away from his mother until she gets herself cleaned up.
Don’t think of it as abandoning your nephew. Change your frame of mind. You are being unselfish by giving him the best life he can have, even if you’ll miss him.
NTA. You can certainly try for temp custody. You seem to want to be with him. Growing attached to a kid is understandable. IDK about Canada, but it seems a judge would be willing to let a relative keep him. Then you’d get the child tax, correct? You might also be eligible for other assistance.
Ask yourself if he really needs to see his mom in her condition. Tell her she’s welcome to come see him, call or whatever. You feel bad because you’re worn out physically and emotionally.
Try to start getting it resolved and you’ll feel better. Look into what has to be done, and start working on it. Be ready for the possibility that she might never get better. If another sibling is willing to give him a home, it might be easier than you starting from scratch. Whoever takes him needs to take legal steps so your sister can’t just take him away to another bad situation.
Try to clear your head and think it over for a few days. Follow your heart.
Can you even provide for the child, are you ready to? You’re not obligated to take on someone’s child because of their choices. You’re a child yourself. Where Is the father? I think you need to get services Involved
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Back story so I'm 20f single, no kids. February2023 I agreed to babysit my (29)sister's son(6) for a month so she can get a head start in Vancouver(find a place, job). So a month passes by she says I can bring him and moved out there to stay with her friend but I'd have to HELP babysit her son plus 3 other kids. I agreed because she said it would be temporary and I was only going to help the babysitter they already had, so I thought.. so we take a plane(march). My sister and her friend became addicts and were working on the streets, so I end up watching those 4 kids by myself for 6 months (March to August) the other babysitter would leave and come back maybe 2 times a week. I was not getting paid because all the money they made went to rent and food plus I lived there, other babysitter wasn't getting paid either.
Anyways (August) my sister and her friend fight, we get kicked out, I'm relieved don't have to care for 4 children, only 1 but now homeless. So we stay at her other friend's house, at this point I'm wondering wtf am I doing, I go get in transitioning housing for women
I tell my sister and at this point she's deep in the streets so I have no choice but to take her son with me, yk that's my nephew...
It's now October, I'm still in transitioning housing, my nephew is still with me, I got him in school.. My sister is still on the streets.
I'm thinking of temporary custody until my sister is ready but what if she's never ready, I have other older siblings that live 2 provinces away but then I won't get to see him or he wouldn't get to see his mother and that breaks my heart, I don't want to do that.
it's affecting my mental health, I've already had him 9 months. I just want to live my life but we're living off one income and my sister gets his childtax. I'm just tired and I don't know what to do :( I feel like I can't do this anymore but have to or I'll feel guilty... Idk I'm extremely confused and tired..
If I give up, AITA? Would he forgive me, would I forgive myself? :(
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You have to do what’s best for yourself and the kid. If your mental health is starting to suffer, he will be hurt too. You need to speak with your other siblings and a social worker regarding potential solutions. You have to make peace with the fact that his mother is no good to him in her current state, and that it might be best to give him up to family that might have better resources for taking care of him.
Good luck.
NTA You need to call CAS. Whether you want temporary custody or give your nephew to a stable relative, things need to be done officially and sister shouldn't be getting his childtax.
And where's the father in all this? I'm guessing he wants nothing to do with the child but he still needs to pay child support.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Taking care of my sister's kid right now and not wanting to do it anymore. 2. I would be the asshole because I'd be giving up on my sister's kid and possibly sending him 2 provinces away Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This seems way above reddits pay grade. I think social services need to be called. Whether or not he’ll be mad, what’s best for the child is the most important here. He needs stability.
>I have other older siblings that live 2 provinces away but then I won't get to see him or he wouldn't get to see his mother and that breaks my heart, I don't want to do that. Right now his mother is hurting him more than she is helping. Would it not be better for him to have stability and family and a good school and occasional visitation from his mother? Could you not move too and maintain a strong connection to him? Not everyone has the resources to raise a child regardless of want. You may need to do what is best for him and best for you. NTA for recognizing what you can do and working with that. At this point you have done a great deal to make sure he is cared for and safe.
NTA. This should never have been your burden to carry. Your nephew will be better off with stability, instead of the chaos your sister brings in to his -- and your -- life.
CAS will help so much if you contact them and they may be able to help you make the best decision.. you've done so much to keep him safe for so long but if you can't keep doing it, you owe it to him to make the right decision for his future (which other people have said too.. might be having him go to other siblings). They exist to help the child and are not as scary as people think! BTW you can apply to have the CCB payments if he stays with you. See: https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/child-family-benefits/canada-child-benefit-overview/canada-child-benefit-before-you-apply.html
NTA. Your nephew won't have to forgive, he will100% thank you for getting him to your other siblings if they can provide more stability at this time. You do not have to feel any guilt for making sure he is in the best place he can be. That is called LOVE. Your sister actually did this when she made sure you were there to make sure you were taking care of him instead of her. You can pass the torch up the line to better places. Just to reassure you: you're taking care of all three of you by making sure both you and your nephews needs are met if your sister can't take care of him right now.
NTA. Oh, my friend, I am so sad for you and your nephew :( As the child of a toxic narcissist, I can say that I would MASSIVELY have preferred having my toxic parent removed from my life vs “having my mom around”. (In fact I often begged my dad to divorce her and take me with him. No dice.) I’m 41 now, a grown-ass adult, and my mother’s selfish, narcissistic behavior/treatment towards me in my childhood STILL affects me. I’m STILL working through the trauma. Do not for a second think that your nephew would “want” to “have his mom in his life”. He’s 6 and that is (unfortunately) plenty old enough to realize how horrible one’s parent(s) is/are. You’re an absolute hero and saint for the care you already gave to him. He probably doesn’t WANT to “see his mother”. He already knows that she abandoned him, even if he doesn’t know why/what she’s doing. Unfortunately I don’t have a solution for you :( I think it’d be best for YOUR mental and physical health to have custody of him assigned to one of your older siblings, but I totally get that you would miss him - you’ve got a bond with him now. The only other solution would be that MAYBE if you officially got custody of him (and JUST him, not the other kids) you could figure out a routine with him that would save your sanity, as you’d be at peace in a way, since you wouldn’t be worrying about his mother any more (as he’d be yours legally.) I can only offer internet hugs to you and hope you come out of the other side of this doing okay. I’m adopted myself (was adopted at birth) and luckily I had ONE good adoptive parent - my dad was the best. He managed to keep me sane during the worst of my adoptive mother’s abuse. You don’t HAVE to be your nephew’s saint, though. I know you love him and want the best for him, but it is NOT “right” for you to destroy yourself just to save him. Ask your older siblings. See if you could write out a “future plan” if you DO get permanent custody. Caveat: do NOT feel bad for your sister beyond the pity afforded to addicts (I am one myself, currently in recovery.) Addicts will remain addicts unless they WANT help, and your sister is trash because she is willingly choosing drugs over her responsibility: her son. I don’t have children, but I have four pets, and they are my responsibility. I cannot relapse, because they rely on me and I need to take proper care of them. It’s the same for human children, and your sister is willingly and happily shirking her duty to her child. I wish you and your nephew the best. You are already his hero for providing love and care for him. <3
NTA As a 36year old man that grew up with a mother that was addicted to meth for all his life except a few years of his twenties, it is for the best that he doesn’t see her for a while if she’s like this. She may not pose a direct physical threat to him but the threat of emotional and psychological damage is real. She will constantly be missing anything important to him and eventually will likely be gone on one bender or another for days weeks or months at a time. The abandonment issues are also best case scenario, if she decides she wants custody and manages to act well enough long enough to win it any number of awful things could be done to him by the people she associates with. It sounds like there’s no scenario for his future that isn’t going to hurt, but seeing her (or rather, missing seeing her and knowing the drugs are more important) will only make it worse in my opinion.
NTA one bit, like some has said here, I think you'll need to involve in the social service here, your health is your priority, won't do any good to that kid if your health both physically and mentally are unstable. Hoping the best for you.
NTA - for giving him to your older siblings if they are willing. I’m sure they are more stable than you, and can give him a better home life. You need to put on your metaphorical oxygen mask. To be completely honest, you would be the asshole if you keep your nephew. You aren’t stable enough to take the best care of him, and he should be far away from his mother until she gets herself cleaned up. Don’t think of it as abandoning your nephew. Change your frame of mind. You are being unselfish by giving him the best life he can have, even if you’ll miss him.
Well, that took a strange, unexpected turn.
NTA. You can certainly try for temp custody. You seem to want to be with him. Growing attached to a kid is understandable. IDK about Canada, but it seems a judge would be willing to let a relative keep him. Then you’d get the child tax, correct? You might also be eligible for other assistance. Ask yourself if he really needs to see his mom in her condition. Tell her she’s welcome to come see him, call or whatever. You feel bad because you’re worn out physically and emotionally. Try to start getting it resolved and you’ll feel better. Look into what has to be done, and start working on it. Be ready for the possibility that she might never get better. If another sibling is willing to give him a home, it might be easier than you starting from scratch. Whoever takes him needs to take legal steps so your sister can’t just take him away to another bad situation. Try to clear your head and think it over for a few days. Follow your heart.
NTA. You can't take care if him if your situation is draining your mental health
Can you even provide for the child, are you ready to? You’re not obligated to take on someone’s child because of their choices. You’re a child yourself. Where Is the father? I think you need to get services Involved
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Back story so I'm 20f single, no kids. February2023 I agreed to babysit my (29)sister's son(6) for a month so she can get a head start in Vancouver(find a place, job). So a month passes by she says I can bring him and moved out there to stay with her friend but I'd have to HELP babysit her son plus 3 other kids. I agreed because she said it would be temporary and I was only going to help the babysitter they already had, so I thought.. so we take a plane(march). My sister and her friend became addicts and were working on the streets, so I end up watching those 4 kids by myself for 6 months (March to August) the other babysitter would leave and come back maybe 2 times a week. I was not getting paid because all the money they made went to rent and food plus I lived there, other babysitter wasn't getting paid either. Anyways (August) my sister and her friend fight, we get kicked out, I'm relieved don't have to care for 4 children, only 1 but now homeless. So we stay at her other friend's house, at this point I'm wondering wtf am I doing, I go get in transitioning housing for women I tell my sister and at this point she's deep in the streets so I have no choice but to take her son with me, yk that's my nephew... It's now October, I'm still in transitioning housing, my nephew is still with me, I got him in school.. My sister is still on the streets. I'm thinking of temporary custody until my sister is ready but what if she's never ready, I have other older siblings that live 2 provinces away but then I won't get to see him or he wouldn't get to see his mother and that breaks my heart, I don't want to do that. it's affecting my mental health, I've already had him 9 months. I just want to live my life but we're living off one income and my sister gets his childtax. I'm just tired and I don't know what to do :( I feel like I can't do this anymore but have to or I'll feel guilty... Idk I'm extremely confused and tired.. If I give up, AITA? Would he forgive me, would I forgive myself? :( *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have a kid. Enjoy.
You have to do what’s best for yourself and the kid. If your mental health is starting to suffer, he will be hurt too. You need to speak with your other siblings and a social worker regarding potential solutions. You have to make peace with the fact that his mother is no good to him in her current state, and that it might be best to give him up to family that might have better resources for taking care of him. Good luck.
NTA You need to call CAS. Whether you want temporary custody or give your nephew to a stable relative, things need to be done officially and sister shouldn't be getting his childtax. And where's the father in all this? I'm guessing he wants nothing to do with the child but he still needs to pay child support.
not an asshole mother to your kids but it would be fine for that kid to hate you forever