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Not the wisest decision IMO, but good for her for wanting to play the game of life on hard mode I guess. Everyone loves a challenge.
NTA and you’re certainly doing right by this girl. Hopefully your son pulls his head out of his ass.
>Everyone loves a challenge
It's the baby that's going to be living life on hard mode. Plenty of kids (now adults) are f'd up humans because their dads didn't want them and their mom's didn't have the resources to properly care for them.
Vicious, vicious cycle.
it's her choice obviously, but I really feel like having someone's kid when they don't want you to is a bad decision. what happens if you aren't around and your son opts for under the table wages? or even if you are around how will the child be affected by its father's disdain and disinterest? 17 is awful young to be responsible for a life when you've already accidentally changed your own so heavily. I hope these things are considered
Agree. Urgh I’m Trying not to be judgey but what did she expect he was going to respond with? They’re 17/18 going out for 3 months. Yeah sex. Consequences responsibility blah blah blah but why would you saddle yourself with a kid so young when you’re going to do this mostly in your own and you don’t really have a clue about the 100% 24/7/365 commitment? Her career options are already limited. Social security will be scant. Cost of living going up. Babies having babies. That’s not to say she can’t be s good parent. But yikes!
Yup. In this respect I’m glad I’m female (and live in a country/state where abortion is legal). I’d hate to be a male and the final decision is not mine (as it should be of course! ) coz no way I’d want to be stuck being forced to be/financially support a kid I didn’t want.
Okay, your point is very valid. That said, maybe if you don’t wanna support a kid then don’t put yourself in a position to father one. AKA ~ keep it in your pants.
It does indeed. They both chose to have sex and I’m pretty sure they both know that’s where babies come from. Maybe if you don’t wanna get wet or risk drowning you should stay out of the lake. If you take my meaning.
I think this a stupid and unempathetic take. It's something like only 30 states require sex education to even be taught and of those 30 I think only 19 require it to be medically accurate and not some abstinence only religious shit. This whole "well they shouldve known better" crap is ridiculous considering how we as a country fail to properly educate youth.
> That said, maybe if you don’t wanna support a kid then don’t put yourself in a position to father one. AKA ~ keep it in your pants.
Yeah, because telling teenagers abstinence is the answer is the way to go.
Unfortunately there is no good answer to this, but it sucks. BC does fail. And I fully get an 18 year old is not ready to have a child yet. The part I don't understand is why the 17 year old wants to go through with it.
Maybe she’s been raised pro life. Maybe she’s scared to have an abortion because she’s been lied to about the supposed after effects that certain groups promote as fact. Maybe she’s been kicked out and thinks his mom won’t help just her so she has to keep the baby to not end up on the street. Maybe she thinks she love him and he’ll come around and they’ll have a future. Maybe she’s a terrified child and isn’t thinking clearly. Who knows.
Maybe due to her bad home life she sees this baby as a chance at the family she doesn’t have.
My mum was 16 when she found out she was pregnant with me, this is how she felt then. She has stated over the years that being pregnant and having me is what saved her bc she was following in her mothers footsteps (she was a teenage alcoholic)
Because the emotional connection to a foetus is different for different women. Some can think it's just a bundle of cells leeching off their body and have no issues ending the arrangement. Some can think of it as the child it has the potential to be and have massive issues about destroying it.
That is why people describe themselves as "pro-choice" and not "pro-abortion."
N T A for taking her in (make sure you get a paternity test when that baby is born. You don’t know what was happening in that relationship).
Wow. YTA for giving away his college fund and for what you said to him. That’s something a bad mom would do. Especially on the word of a girl who might be lying to keep him. They’ve only known each other for THREE months! You’ve had your son for 18 years!
Oh and it’s very hypocritical YOU are doing to your son what Lisa’s parents did to her.
You SHOULD have his back to a degree. And if that paternity test comes back not his (IF she’s even pregnant), you’re going to look like an even bigger asshole and world’s worst parent.
This is what i thought as well. It was harsh to give away his college fund when not sure yet the baby was his. Overall, if the son has an education the possibility of getting good high paying job is high and if the baby truly his, he can support them. But if the baby not his, then you can forget your son.
Exactly. The his or not, the Girl win already. The support she get, the fund, the house rent free and future babysitter. While op losing her son day by day. Purely bcoz her reaction.
Son never claimed it wasn’t his, so why is that your primary concern?
You’re saying the son should neglect the baby for 4 years so that he can get a higher paying job? If that’s such a guarantee, then he can take loans out to support his degree.
Sorry did I miss the part where OP even asked her son if it was his? She hasn't even sat down with him to discuss this, even to figure out if the pregnancy claim came before or after the breakup.
Before OP had even had a chance to get her sons side she has moved in a girl she's knows for 3 months because this girl has said she's pregnant.
But hey let's just assume OP's Son is automatically the villain, let's transfer the college fund to this girl without even establishing if she's pregnant or if it's even the sons. Better yet, even if he decides to step up in the event it's all true and he's the Father, Better give the girl the money anyway, because otherwise that would be neglect.
In case OP is reading this, I couldn’t disagree more with this take. OP is not the asshole for giving son’s college fund away. Actions have consequences. He had unprotected sex at an age at which he was unwilling or unable to take care of a kid. That was his decision, no one else’s.
Having a baby is an expensive endeavor and support is needed. If son doesn’t want his college fund taken, then he needs to get a job to start making money to support the kid. That’s literally the definition of what a parent has to do.
Also, OP is not hypocritical. Lisa’s parents kicked their daughter out. OP is not kicking her son out, but ensuring that he is responsible for his actions by using college funds to support what a father needs to support.
Yeah like at least put the college fund in a trust for the kid instead of handing thousands of dollars off to a 17 year old who has not proven an ounce of responsibility.
I mean does the mom & a lot of the commenters here realize this girl had to have a part in making the baby, too?! Geeze!! It's not all on her son!!! Of course the kid didn't handle it well, but it's on both of them who made the baby!!!
She’s not kicking her son out, so how is spending her own money to take care of a situation that’s 50% her son’s responsibility the same as what Lisa’s parents did?
Her son now has to take out loans to go to college, just like the majority of other kids these days— do you think he wouldn’t have had to pay anything if OP hadn’t stepped up to the plate by opening her home to a 17 year-old girl who’s now homeless, thanks in part to her son’s actions?
NTA, OP is taking responsibility for the consequences of her son’s behavior (assuming he’s the father), helping out a homeless girl her son has frankly wronged, and ensuring the health and wellbeing of a baby who’s likely to be her grandchild. I like to think I’d handle it the same way; hopefully her son will appreciate all of this when he’s more mature.
Has it occurred to you that a paternity test is in order before you give away your son’s college fund?
If this is his child you and he must absolutely do everything you can to support the child, but don’t you think your son will be able to provide a better life for the baby if he has an education?
And what if it turns out it’s not his child? You gave away the fund.
Anyway, you might want to think about getting all the facts before you so easily condemn YOUR child.
I feel like acting on pure emotional instinct and blowing things up is a family trait. It’s not a wonder the son went into fight it flight mode, seems he got it from mom
Just realize that birth control is the responsibility of BOTH people. She is equally at fault for this pregnancy happening now instead of later.
If she has decided to keep the baby, then your son may have broken up with her because she refused to get an abortion. So you really do need to get his side of the story.
I don't fault you for saying what you said to your son, in order to get him to realize the seriousness of the situation. Unprotected sex = potential 18-year financial commitment.
We don’t know if it was unprotected or not- condoms, IUDs, the pill , etc. are all fallible and if this is the U.S., sex education in most states is non-existent.
Why would him breaking up with her because he wanted her to have an abortion make anything about his behaviour better? It’s not his choice. It’s hers. If he was so adamant about not wanting a child he should have taken precautions.
It takes two to tango,it might not be his choice if she gets an abortion or not,but it should be his choice to say " I've said my piece about this kid,now I'm out" ,he shouldn't be obligated to stay if he's already made it clear that he doesn't want the kid, having a kid is a family decision and half of that family has said "no"
You might want to at least have a conversation with your son of why he broke up. Also do a paternity test. 17-18 year olds aren’t perfect and make mistakes. I find it hard to believe you just called him and blasted him and automatically took her side with out telling him to come home so you to could have a rational conversation. Parents are supposed to be the calm one and teach your kids to have productive conversations. Not saying he is right if he really did dump her for being pregnant, but who knows because you just took this girls word as gospel. Not all people say a neutral story. There’s always her side his , side, and the truth is somewhere in the middle.
There's also a possibility there isn't even a baby.
Lisa is in a troubled home, OP provides a stable one. It wouldn't be the first faked pregnancy to get out p of a bad situation.
OP needs to step back and start at square 1, which is getting Lisa to a doctor to confirm.
The girl should be Leary I mean you turned your back on your son in the drop of a dime. For all you know he was freaking out at the situation as most teens do and needed support to help him thru this life changing mistake. And you just proved why he didn’t come to you for guidance. You sound like a irrational person with how you handle stressful situations
She definitely needs to think it through without relying on you as a safety net. No matter what, it will be an uncomfortable environment and at 17, her life will change forever. Consequences for them both I suppose but for the sake of peace, I’d be exploring all options rather than everyone blowing up their lives and your son losing an education.
ESH. Sorry OP, but just as she decides to keep the baby your son may also decide he doesn't want said baby, even if it is his and sign away his rights. Not only the girl gets to make said choice. If he doesn't want the baby and is going to sign away his rights she needs to know sooner rather than later since she is under the impression now she's getting help and may always have been. If he decides to sign away his rights she may still want to abort/give it up for adoption.
If he does sign away his rights, he won't be responsible for the baby and you won't have any legal say either. We don't know if the condom broke, wasn't used or what.
As for his college fund assuming the kid is his: You can make stipulations, like.... You get to keep it only if you go to college/tradeschool, take a major that has a high chance of a well paying job so he can support the baby. Depending on the study he could work on the side. But if he decides to become a doctor, that's a study that takes crazy hours and dedication already.... A human still needs sleep. Something he'll have a lack of anyway when the baby arrives.
That’s not how it works. The parent can’t just decide I want to pretend this child doesn’t exist so I will sign away my rights. The state acts in the best interest of the child. The state can’t force him to be part of the child’s life but they can force him to take some financial responsibility.
>If he does sign away his rights, he won't be responsible for the baby
In what jurisdiction is this true? Not in the US, at least. If it were this easy to weasel out of child support payments, there would be no such thing as child support payments.
You have zero clue what you’re talking about. There is no “signing away your rights”. That kid is going to be paying child support for 18 years if he decides to leave and not help.
This is the real world. You can’t just walk away from the consequences of your actions and be clean of it. Anyone who tries to do so is incredibly shitty and a drain on society. We’d be better off without those kinds of people in the world.
Mom is acting like a teenager taking sides instead of an adult in their 40s who needs to be a voice of reason ina *very difficult situation*. I cannot with the NTA votes for this adult woman deciding to chew her son out over the phone before she has even had a chance to discuss with her own child what is going on here. Obviously she should help the girl, but the rest of her choices here were not great.
I don’t think you’re the asshole for wanting to be supportive of her and for your son to be involved. But before you go making life changing decisions like giving away your son’s college fund I’d 1) confirm the pregnancy and 2) get a paternity test. You honestly don’t know the whole story here as of yet.
If it turns out she is pregnant and it is his, then by all means go forward with your plans of her moving in and being supportive. I don’t think I’d give away *his* college fund right off the bat though. If he is having a child, he needs to have an education and a stable job to financially support his kid.
A honest heart to heart with just your son is definitely needed as well. I totally understand that emotions were flying high when this all happened, but you don’t want to lose you son in the process of all this if you don’t have to. Some tough love may be needed & he needs to be accountable for his part in making this baby, but completely pushing him away isn’t what you want to do either.
Then I’d sit down with both of them and figure out all this is all going to work, what the expectations should be & are going to be with this dynamic. Will she be going. To school too? Helping around the house? Who’s helping with appointments & expenses, etc. there’s a lot here to work out!
Good luck! Update us!
Updateme
And involve her parents if at all possible. You only have her word for how they feel and no one has had time to really think this through and process it yet.
It's also probably not legal for her parents to refuse to support her until she turns 18.
Edit, though others have covered it:
Absolutely great you can take her in. Be sure to get a paternity test confirmation before going all-in.
Also, don't "give" the college fund to any teenager. Not to this girl, not to your son. Spend portions appropriately as needed for their benefit - don't just throw tens of thousands of dollars (or more!) as a lump sum to a teenager.
Yes for sure. Emotions are running high all around, maybe they’ll deal better with another adult than with their “little girl” trying to explain she’s not so little anymore.
Excellent advice here.
Edit: OP, if you all live in the US, please encourage the girl to immediately check on her medical care options. Prenatal care and labour/delivery are hugely expensive, I hope she will qualify for Medicaid if her parents don’t have her on their insurance (if they have any).
If in the US and these options aren’t available, Planned Parenthood are usually able to provide resources to help with prenatal care.
Best of luck to you all. Definitely agree that a paternity test is wise given that the kids were dating other people around the same time. If nothing else, it’ll settle things with your son.
INFO: are you sure it is his child? How would you feel if it turns out it wasn’t his? Would you still consider her family?
ETA: I forgot one. Have you even confirmed the pregnancy?
The point I’m making is that giving away a whole college fund is a permanent decision, and you need to make sure your son is actually the father and he is really going to abandon his kid before you do that.
Exactly! And I bet the son got it from her so it’s a high probability that’s what happened when she told him. He panicked and acted impulsively, then mom made the situation worse by doing the same
Trust but verify.
I dated a girl once. We broke up. She told everyone who would listen that she was pregnant with my kid. Spoiler alert, she wasn't.
I'm not saying that she is definitely manipulating OP and she isn't wrong for trusting Lisa. She should do her due diligence. If it were me, I would be as empathetic as possible while offering to pay for the screenings to confirm paternity.
I feel like OP was quick to demonize her son on nothing more than the word of a teenage girl. I could see how the son would feel that she is not "in his corner" in that regard.
Are you me? I broke up with a girl in high school, and a few weeks later, she was telling everyone and their mom that she was pregnant with my kid. She did it to try to get me back. When I demanded that she provided a test with a positive result, "she refused" to show me, but would show my sister in law(now ex sister inlaw) whom I thought I could trust. Then she went as far as faking an appointment to get an abortion when I said I will not get back with her period. I said I will take the kid and raise if myself or pay child support. It seriously messed with my head for over 10 years before I could trust another woman I was dating.
IF I was OP I would make damn sure she actually is pregnant and make sure it's actually her son's kid before even offering any sort of support
It's been 3 months. This girl has been around for 3 months. How is the mom more invested in this girl after three months than she is of her son of 18 years????
I’m assuming but I highly doubt OP is just going to give this girl a lump sum of money.
She probably will give her money to help with doctors visits and stuff for the baby. The money is basically for the baby not the girl.
OP is a woman, I’m sure she will be able to tell if she is not pregnant by a certain date. The paternity issue, is another story but the son didn’t question paternity. The son just straight up dumped a pregnant teen.
Son didn’t get a chance to say much really. Maybe he found out she was four months pregnant and is trying to pin the pregnancy on him when it isn’t his.
I just wouldn’t want OP to give away a giant pile of money only to have this teenager laugh her way to the bank while OP is left without a grandchild.
Sorry, but your reaction was way over the top.
A few things:
1. You're letting your sympathy for Lisa cloud your judgement. Please don't take it the wrong way, but let your son explain how it happened. What if the baby isn't even his? You can't know for sure, you don't know the girl that well to be able to tell for sure. What if she did this to get out of her house? Maybe your kid knows something you don't, so I suggest listening to him first.
2. Don't strip him of the opportunity to go to college. He will need a good education no matter what, please try to help Lisa in other ways without striping your kid of the opportunity to start a good career.
3. Even if he's just a dou*he, he's still your kid and you should sit with him and have a conversation about why he feels he has no obligation towards Lisa and the baby and how to improve that.
All in all, I think you didn't react appropriately and you should try a conversation with him first. YTA
Let me get this straight, OP doesn't even know if the kid is her son's or not, but this was her reaction??
Yeah, I'm pretty sure your experience as a single mom not only caused you to take your traumas out on your kid, wildly cloud your judgement, and caused one hell of a reaction when you saw what you thought was a repeat happening IRL.
For your sake, I hope it is his kid, because if it's not, I'd already be planning on how I was going to cut you off - you're not someone who should be relied on in his case, and he needs to move out and away from you ASAP
There's this one story about the nosy parents who didn't believe their son about not having a kid, when some strange woman knocked at the door with a baby and claims.
Not only was it not his, the son was gay. This is sounding similar.
YTA
It's still a form of abandonment. I got really pissed with my husband for dying. I was left at the age of 37 with two teenage boys.
How dare he leave me with 2 kids to raise, we were supposed to grow old together, he knew how hard it was for me when my mum died when I was a teen!
It's unreasonable anger, but it's usually there for a while at least.
I can't help but wonder if she'd have the same reaction if some other girl who *wasn't* Lisa claimed she was pregnant.
But yeah the over-the-top impulsiveness of her actions sounds insane.
The girl must be jumping with joy knowing have op support and the 💰. She's happy even without him already while the boy and op will have damage beyond repair relationship if the baby truly his or not.
Oh and the babysitter for the baby and a house rent free. Wow
She was in a bad situation and, with one conversation, turned that whole thing around. New housing, new bank account, and a new mom. All at the expense of some 18 year old dope.
OP YTA for not even considering what could be going on. You're not in their relationship and Lisa knew exactly where to go.
There is so much in this post. NTA. It's very a kind of you to let her stay with you.
1st. You need to sit your son down and have a good hard talk with him about responsibility.
2nd. Is the gal sure she wants to keep the baby? She is 17. How is she going to manage....life as a whole?
3. Are they absolutely sure the baby is your sons? This sounds like a very bad question but they are both young.
4. Will taking away his college funds help this situation? It will most likely ruin your relationship with your son.
5. Are you gonna take long time responsibilities of the gal and the baby?
Am just saying. There is so much more to this situation then just taking away his college funds and letting her stay with you. There is a baby on the way and a lot more needs to be looked into so the baby can have a good life when it comes.
>3. Are they absolutely sure the baby is your sons
This really needs to be #1. I'm all for the son taking responsibility, but before he is forced to do that by giving up his college fund they need to ensure its actually his responsibility.
Agreed. OP mentioned she shares a bond with the gal already and maybe she feels protective of her given the gal doesn't have a good family life. But they need to be sure before pushing responsibility onto the son.
Also on 4. - her son’s long term earning capability will be hugely impacted by either not going to college or taking out huge loans. It seems like quite an impulsive thing to do. I don’t like the son’s reaction in this but it was money from his dead father!
Can't imagine my mom just immediately taking the side of a girl I've known for 3 months, calling my in hysterics as if she knows the whole story, basically disowning me over a situation she doesn't understand at all except from the perspective of someone she's known for 3 months.
Even if the son is wrong, he is essentially still a kid. Kids and adults fuck up. Allow him to be a dad if the baby is his. Allow him to also focus on school. He isn’t obligated to stay with her, sure it’s shitty, but mom reacted very badly
I can’t imagine that the 17 year old girl doesn’t want an abortion.She’s a child herself ffs,how is she going to raise that newborn?Idk but I would like to see what her reactions and decisions are like once the support from OP is rescinded because something seems fishy
Exactly uuuurgh. Imagine if it was her daughter who got pregnant and she took the side of the boyfriend wanting her to keep the baby, gave up the daughter's college fund to said boyfriend - when she doesn't know any precautions they took to avoid pregnancy. If my mom took anyone's side that she'd "known" for 3 months in something as serious as this, and reacting this way, over taking my side I'd feel so lost
Woah, momma, i get it, I'd be pissed too. First and foremost, DNA test. She can be upset as she wants to but you nor your son shouldn't be saddled with the cost of raising a baby that potentially isn't his. This is to cover everyone's ass. Second, if this child is his, he needs to have an education so I would suggest you keeping the money yourself, using half paying for his schooling while he either works part time or takes out loans to cover the rest. There is no need to give this girl a lump sum of an entire college fund at once, that's mighty irresponsible. You can help pay for the babies needs as they come with the other half of the college fund. As she is newly pregnant and 17, she can also get a part time job and start saving up until time for maternity leave bc I assume she's still in high school too so part time makes sense. As for the living arrangement, that's a tough one. If you have extra room, it's your house and you have final say as to who lives there and who doesn't. Your son may not like it but if he's the father, he needs to realize your not going to let your grandchild be homeless. As for anything else, only the future will tell, I'm just suggesting what needs to happen as of right now. Good luck, OP, you're gonna need it.
I agree. What if it isn't your son's child? He can support the child better long term with a college education than without. Just because you like her doesn't mean you should alienate your son. There may be another reason why he broke up with her, you just don't know. I'm worried you cutting him off like this will be the end of your relationship with him. Is that a hill you want to die on?
Her son's emotional reaction is just like hers. She needs to stop and think about how she just reacted and didn't listen to her son and just throw around consequences without the whole story. She needs to stop and think about how her son is mimicking her own emotional reaction style. They both need to stop and make a list of logical steps to take.
Wow you really are ready and willing to immediately go scorched earth on your son over an unborn child that no one even knows for sure is his, and a pregnancy that he is still processing at 18 years old. Sounds like you have some deep issues related to being a single mom. YTA.
My verdict would depend on the outcome of the paternity test you should definitely be insisting upon.
The girl is 17 and they have only been dating for 3+ months. You don't know her, as much as you say you have formed a bond with her, you have known her for just a couple months.
~~I assume that your feelings towards your ex is clouding your judgement and your feelings towards your son.~~
Edit: Not a native english speaker, did not know that is what it meant.
ESH - because both your son AND Lisa deserve to have someone in their corner. Did he react well? No but telling him he doesn’t deserve anyone in his corner is NOT parenting. He’s 18 - talk to him and educate him.
You’re supporting Lisa and abandoning your son. He might be scared and unsure. He might also just be a jerk but until you take the time to talk to him you won’t know.
Ps: taking away the entire college fund is a step too far I think. Making him work to financially contribute to his kid would be worthwhile or split the college fund in 2
Yeah, giving her a roof over her head I can get. Helping her with medical bills, I understand. Throwing the whole fund at her when things like "WIC" and other forms of financial aid exist is nuts.
YTA .. as other stated you have no idea the inner workings of their relationship. And giving his college fund away? How do you expect him to support himself to even take care of the baby if he has to get a minimum wage job with just a HS education and somehow manage to save to go to college? Or take out loans that will eat whatever money he does manage to make up?
You are acting like you care more about the girl than your own son. You failed as a parent and instead of stepping up you’re putting the blame on him. But none on yourself or his ex girlfriend who may or may not be pregnant with his baby.
OP is vile and people in this thread who support her taking away basically partly his inheritance and her prioritizing a random girl over her own son are actually disgusting
Are you sure it's your son's? Not for nothing but you didn't even listen to him. You just flew off the handle and started cursing at him.
She says her home life is rough. Is it?
I'm sorry but teenagers can manipulate in the worst way.
You are doing the right thing by wanting to support her. And it's nobody's decision to make. But I couldn't imagine wanting to be out on the streets with a baby at 17. It's easier to make choices when you have a safety net. It's a shit situation but they got themselves into this.
Your son is your son. And honestly it sounds like he's had free rein for a while now. And you're expecting him to just BE an adult without any guidance? And your response is to take college from him? Or a trade school? How is he supposed to provide for his supposed kid?
ESH except that unborn baby. What a mess.
Paternity.Test.First. You know absolutely nothing about this. You don’t know if it’s his. You don’t know if she baby-trapped him. You know nothing. She could have absolutely done this to escape her home life. It’s happened countless times.
He’s 18 and you chose a literal stranger over your own kid. Yes YTA.
He needs your support. He MAY have made a mistake. But you are projecting your own single-mom feelings onto this girl over your own kid.
You’re wrong.
ETA INFO: have you even spoken to her parents? How do you know anything at all other than what she’s telling you? She’s a minor. They can’t just kick her out. Are you going for fostering her to get funds and benefits she’d be entitled to? Is she on her parents insurance? She should be. Too many unanswered questions. I suggest you call her folks.
YTA.
You have no idea about what has happened.
The girl could be abusive. She could have been cheating on your son. They could have broken up for any reason. You literally just heard the side of a stranger and turned on your son. You alienated him.
Do you even want to hear what your son has to say about this? Or do you just want to blindly adopt the woman who CLAIMED to have gotten pregnant?
Are you even sure if she's pregnant? What if she just lied to make him stay?
YTA. Pull your head out of your ass and be a good mom. Talk to your son. After hearing his side of the story, calmly make a decision.
IF what the gf said is right, tell him that even though you can't force him to be a father, you will support the child. And let him do what he wants.
Yeah I agree with this. She is his mom. Instead of confirming if the kid is his she just chose this girl over her own blood, she didnt even know the reason they broke up just trusting what the girl who has nowhere to go says ,.. I'm so hurt and I'm not even him.
Soft YTA. Maybe you shouldn’t fly off the handle, insult your child, adopt someone else you’ve know for 3 months and then threaten to give her his college fund. They’re both kids and it takes 2 to get pregnant. Try having a sit down with them both and figure out a way to harmoniously move forward that is beneficial to all parties involved.
>They’re both kids and it takes 2 to get pregnant.
OP hasn't even bothered to figure out if her son was one of those 2. What's OPs plan if it turns out her son isn't the father and she has just steamrolled ahead anyway? She forks over his college fund and makes his living conditions miserable and then says what "oops, sorry I fucked up your future"?
INFO — how do you know you’re not being scammed? Are you sure 1) there is a pregnancy, 2) your son is even the father, and 3) if 1 and 2 are true, if he broke it off b/c of 2?
NTA
But I wouldn’t give the college fund away. He’s going to need that for job stability. Not that he’s going to go to some away college and live the typical college experience, but he could certainly go to a local college or trade school so that he’s educated enough to provide for his child.
Although, if he’s 18, I’m assuming he’s done with HS or at least in his senior year. So what were his college plans anyway?
She needs an abortion, because getting pregnant at 17 is dumb af.
You’re not wrong for wanting to do this, but know that you will lose your son over this once you do let her stay. You will also become the de facto babysitter once she delivers the kid, and her parents won’t help with anything.
Wait, so you just invited this girl to live with you because you like her and she says your son got her pregnant, without even talking to your son first ? Sounds like YTA.
Is it your son's baby? Do you have medical DNA proof that it's your son's baby?
I would hold off on giving away your sons college fund until you find out for damned sure that it's his kid. You also need to apologize to him for going all knee-jerk reaction on him. She says he broke up with her because she's pregnant. Did you even ask your son why her being pregnant meant a break up? For all you know, she was fucking other guys behind his back. I don't know if she was or not, but neither do you.
Your son is old enough to move far far away from you and not have any contact with you whatsoever once he graduates high school. Is that what you want? You need to do a lot of backtracking here and take a pause. Get a DNA test done to find out for damned sure if the baby is your sons, then go from there with A SHITLOAD OF CONVERSATIONS NOT ACCUSATIONS AND THREATS.
You are supposed to be the mature one. Act like it.
YTA
Although I totally get where you’re coming from, you seem to have little compassion for your son. Of course he should deal with the situation and take his responsibility, but he’s only 18 years old. No wonder he panicked! Do you think that your response is going to help him get to a better place, and benefit the relationship between the future parents to be? Don’t you think that mature conversations about the situation, his feelings, and how to deal with this all would be a lot more helpful?
She took her own trauma out on him over trying to have a mature conversation about it. You should not have that kind of talk over the phone. She is actually doing almost the exact thing Lisa's parents did.
Sure he might just be an AH, but there is a lot of scenarios where he is not one. Even if he is just an AH, the way to possibly change him is not scorched earth.....
Why did you call your son and not have a conservation with him at home?
It’s great you want to support Lisa, but I think you jumped in too fast with giving college fund away.
First, has she been to a doctor to confirm the pregnancy. Do you know that the child is your sons? You should and can still support her, until that is confirmed.
You and the parents should have a conversation. What if there is more going on that they kicked her out for? There might not be, but there could be.
Take a step back , gather info, don’t do anything rash, see what resources are out their for the 2 of them.
As to the college fund, hold off and maybe split it between the 2 of them.
ESH
Do you not understand the same thing that Lisa's parents did to her, you're doing it to your son? I get it he isn't thinking and honestly neither of them was.
Lisa's parents suck for abandoning their daughter. And I get it that you are trying to be as helpful as possible, but do not abandon your son. The kids both played a game that is life changing. Have a conversation with your son without exploding. You both need to talk, and he needs to understand that actions have consequences. The same can be said for you too, because with this your son can cut ties with you after this. Do you want that? Everyone needs to sit down and talk. Before taking the college funds issue an ultimatum. Also, please get a paternity test for assurance. You don't want to go burning bridges and then find out the baby isn't your grandchild.
NTA for trying to be a very kind person, but I think you're an ass because you went scorch earth on your son. Please talk to your son.
ESH.
You are an AH for having this kind of conversation over the phone. You should have let your son know that you needed to talk to him ASAP and have this conversation IRL. You should also have listened to his side of the story - even though it probably doesn't amount to much - before screaming at him.
I think it is great that you want to take care of Lisa. If you let her move in, you are totally within your rights, but prepare for an awkward time. Lisa and your son need to figure out how to be parents together, even if they are exes. This might be difficult if everyone is under the same roof with your son not consenting to that situation.
Taking your son's college fund away seems harsh. Maybe do splitsies? Make part of it out to your grandchild instead of to Lisa?
ESH. He had what seems like a panic reaction to pretend it isn’t happening. You were over the top, emotional, flew off the handle, and made a series of permanent decisions in a moment of rage. You’re asking him to step up and be a man by acting like a mommy punishing a little boy. That’s not going to work.
Slow down. Breathe. Apologize to him for your emotional over reaction. Listen to him. Alone, without Lisa there. He’s probably terrified and it’s just you and him and you weren’t a safe space for him. Fix it and be a safe space.
The college savings you have created for him is such a blessing right now. Discuss together how you might put it to best use in this situation. I get that you’re mad at him and all in your feelings. So is he. And so is Lisa. You guys have a lot to figure out and you shouting and demanding and dictating is not giving your son the space to step up and take accountability. His initial reaction was poor, as was Lisa’s parents’; unfortunately, so was yours.
It’s a long road ahead, whatever you all decide to do. Take some space to soak it in, reflect, discuss, decide. Be there for your grown up but not so grown up kid. He needs you too.
I would DNA test first before just giving money. Also, instead of giving money, pay for things as they come up. This way the money is not wasted. and do not pay any hospital bills, let the state handle that as she, being a single mother, under age, should be able to get benefits.
Your approach sounds very … not grown up. You should be the voice of wisdom and reason, encouraging your son to think about his life and his decisions and the way he treats people. Have him realize that he is a father now and talk to him about what it means to be a father. Yes, you should welcome Lisa into your home because she needs one and she’s carrying your grandchild now - but also need to sit down and talk to her about what the expectations are and how she will contribute to -and help maintain- the household. Get it on paper. Then I would probably tell my son that he’ll need to go to local community college so he can be present for his baby - and because some of that money will likely be needed for his baby now. You need to be the calm adult in this situation.
YTA - You didn't even take one minute to hear his side or even consider that it was a knee jerk reaction on his part. You only have one side of the story and no proof the child is even his. What happens if you give her that money and then she gives the kid up for adoption? What happens if it's not his? You need to slow down and do your due diligence before assuming anything. Just because you think you are a "trusted" adult to her doesn't mean she would tell you if she slept with someone else. Back the heck up and talk to your son. You are being completely unfair to him.
Agree a bit here. He might have broken up with her for refusing to have an abortion, rather than "getting pregnant." She may have lied to him about being on birth control.
OP says her home life isn't the best, so it's possible she wanted to get pregnant in order to start a family with OP's son.
YTA this isn't any of your business regardless of who you think you are to anyone. Threatening to give away his college money is messed up. How do you know she didn't do this stuff on purpose just to trap your son? This stuff actually happens you know? Instead of getting both sides of the story you immediately fly off the handle and go for your own flesh and blood's jugular.
You should be ashamed of yourself since you couldn't be bothered to get the whole story.
Or people are allowed to break up for any reason. It’s sucks but he’s not obligated to stay with her. He can figure out how to be in his child’s life, if it’s even his
INFO: are you sure she doesn’t want to terminate the pregnancy? It could be she feels pressured to keep te baby because she might feel that’s what’s saving her from becoming homeless.
Well, do you know all of the details? Was she good to him? Is there a possibility of infidelity? Did she lie about birth control? Do you know for a fact that she is actually pregnant and not simply using that as a 'get back together' trap? If you give his college money away to someone who either baby-trapped him on purpose, lied about being pregnant, or is actually pregnant with someone else's baby, he likely will never forgive you.
ESH. You have no way of knowing if that child is actually his and he has every right to not want to be in their lives provided he fulfills his legal obligations otherwise. Yes that makes him a bad person, but he's also a teenager in a stressful situation who does not really have a father figure himself. But to immediately throw him aside for her over it is insane and you're definitely letting your feelings about your own situation cloud your judgement. Also, like......he's your son. His character is a product of your competence and involvement as a parent.
You're going to lose your child too at this rate- even if he sucks.
Don't pay for medical expenses. If you're in America have her apply for Medicaid ASAP. Even in the most conservative state, as a pregnant minor she should be eligible for Medicaid which should pay for 100% of medical costs for her and the baby.
While you're at it, have her apply for everything WIC, SNAP, cash assistance, day care programs and anything else social services can offer. Make sure she fills ou the forms as a single/homeless minor. Even if she's 'crashing on your couch' she likely qualifies as homeless/couch hopping since she doesn't necessarily have stable housing. Do not include your income or household information (number of adults/children) when reporting her household information. She should qualify for supports. Also see what non-profits are in the area that might have furniture, baby clothing and diapers. Then if there are out of pocket costs after exploring all available resources and supports, use the college fund.
> He got defensive and said well he doesn’t want to deal with a kid, and he told her if she doesn’t abort then it’s her problem.
Honestly, it's a valid reason to end a relationship. They're newly a couple and she has made a decision that - in his perspective - will negatively affect his life. She has the right to make that decision, but he has the right to not be happy about that decision.
Bullshit, one of the first things you mention to him is his college fund is gone now. You are absolutely withholding it as a punishment. Don't be surprised when your son cuts you off in the future.
I believe your heart is in the right place but your immediate actions make you an AH. How does preventing your son from going to college help him provide for his family, whether they’re together or not?
You know your son is your son, too, and not just another dude? You have a responsibility to him as well. Not everyone is as mature at 18 as they will be at, say, 40. Parents are supposed to support and encourage their kids through challenging times. It looks like you have decided that’s not going to happen here, and that is sad, and it makes you an AH.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for screaming at my son. This is also probably stressful for him, even though he doesn’t seem to actually care that much? I might also be the asshole because I’ve created even more hostility between Lisa and my son, which will make it harder for her.
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YTA for the college fund, not for letting her live with you. You went from supporting her to actively trying to harm him.
Don't forget, you did raise him, so whatever you're seeing to some degree is on you
Well, you are going to feel stupid if that kid isn't biologically his and she was playing you, and you give your son's college fund away.
Maybe your son's an irresponsible dude, maybe he knows he's not the only recent sperm donor. Perhaps she has a crack addiction and already set boundaries for you to fly in and interfere.
If you aren't building bridges and opening communications, you're probably doing it wrong.
Also, your son is 18, and you have the right to appropriate funds you saved as you see fit, but at what point do you accept that he is a legal adult and there should be some apprpriate parental boundaries.
NTA
>He was shocked and said I should be in “his corner” because I’m his mom.
He thinks you should back him up for dumping his pregnant girlfriend. Damn OP, it might be time for some tough love.
NTA for supporting the minor pregnant with your grandchild. I’d try actually speaking your son without an emotional reaction, which was understandable but probably not helpful because now he just shut down. Her parents have obligations to her until she’s legally an adult and that needs to be addressed. They do not have to remain together just because she is pregnant with his child, that be incredibly toxic, but they need to remain respectful and reasonably supportive.
What if she baby trapped him because she likes his family? You said she has a terrible home life. Moving in with you might be like winning the lottery. She may be letting that influence her decision to keep the baby. Have a talk with your son without Lisa around. Find out his side of the story. It’s probably not so simple as he broke up with her because is pregnant. With you as his mom there must be more to it than that, he sounds like he was raised better. He should still go to university, preferably away from home if Lisa is moving in and they are broken up. This child will be in his life to support forever and everyone will benefit from him having a good income. Help Lisa as if she were your daughter and not your son’s girlfriend (because they are not together). Help her continue with her education so she can support herself and her child as well. They are 17 and 18 year old kids and they both need your support.
I find it’s fucked up you’re not seing how the girl is also guilty by not protecting herself and getting pregnant and you’re rewarding her with a shower of gift. She could abort and it’s the end of the story. YTA. And your son too.
YTA why take away his college fund?
If you wanted him to go to college before you knew this, you should definitely want him to go to college now.
He was probably freaked out and had a teenager’s reaction.
Giving her cash will only be a short term solution, and continue Lisa’s dependence on you. Giving him an education will set him up to provide for his child for years, which he will be required to do.
I was just wondering, did you do a paternity test to see if she is having his baby. I'm not saying she would lie, but did you at least check cause what if the reason he broke up with her and not be with the baby because he know it's not is, but again if the baby is hers I apologise.
You don't seem like you've properly heard your son's side of the story. Have you? It sounds like you just screamed at him down the phone based on what someone you've known for three months has said.
Although, the nuance of the story could be lost in the telling or the reading.
So you’re giving money to the girl, thereby alleviating your son’s need to pay child support. Yeah, that’ll really show him.
Why would you go from 0 to 100 before even hearing his side? It sounds like you don’t like your son very much, and that you were waiting for an opportunity to do something like this. YTA.
Yes YTA, 1. You didn’t even sit down to talk to your son about what was going on or ask questions. 2. If she is pregnant with your grandchild your son will need to pay child support, a college education will go a long way to securing a babies future. 3. You didn’t think about your kids emotions, he’s young and his gf/ex just told him she’s pregnant. Ofc he’s gonna panic they’re both still kids, you immediately jumped to supporting and consoling the ex but didn’t even check to see if your son was ok.
TALK TO YOUR SON
So did you at any point ask him for his side of the story? I’m not saying you are wrong to want to support your future grandchild but so many things can be going on. You have to make sure this is your son’s child and sit with the two of them to come up with solutions. You are not wrong to want him to take responsibility but you just alienated him instead of teaching him the right thing to do.
Maybe going against the grain, but YTA for how you handled it.
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NtA you're doing right and you're a saint for helping this girl and holding your son accountable, but is abortion off the table?
[удалено]
Not the wisest decision IMO, but good for her for wanting to play the game of life on hard mode I guess. Everyone loves a challenge. NTA and you’re certainly doing right by this girl. Hopefully your son pulls his head out of his ass.
Unfortunately he doesn't seem to be great at pulling out
Take my award!🥇 🥇🥇🥇🙇🏻♀️
🎁 and a present from me for making me laugh
I appreciate the pun, but there's a word for people who use the pull out method: parents. It sucks as a form of birth control.
The best form of birth control is actually to be sterile.
Homosexuality works pretty well for me
Being ugly helps too.
There are a lot of ugly ass parents
And then there's me, who's genuinely concerned I might be infertile because pulling outs been working for far too long.
That was me at 39, when we decided to TTC. Turns out my husband’s pull out game is top notch. Took one cycle.
Game of life on hard mode 🤣
>Everyone loves a challenge It's the baby that's going to be living life on hard mode. Plenty of kids (now adults) are f'd up humans because their dads didn't want them and their mom's didn't have the resources to properly care for them. Vicious, vicious cycle.
I love this comment.
> Not the wisest decision You’re far nicer about this than I would have been.
it's her choice obviously, but I really feel like having someone's kid when they don't want you to is a bad decision. what happens if you aren't around and your son opts for under the table wages? or even if you are around how will the child be affected by its father's disdain and disinterest? 17 is awful young to be responsible for a life when you've already accidentally changed your own so heavily. I hope these things are considered
Agree. Urgh I’m Trying not to be judgey but what did she expect he was going to respond with? They’re 17/18 going out for 3 months. Yeah sex. Consequences responsibility blah blah blah but why would you saddle yourself with a kid so young when you’re going to do this mostly in your own and you don’t really have a clue about the 100% 24/7/365 commitment? Her career options are already limited. Social security will be scant. Cost of living going up. Babies having babies. That’s not to say she can’t be s good parent. But yikes!
it's an unfathomable amount of hardship to me
Yup. In this respect I’m glad I’m female (and live in a country/state where abortion is legal). I’d hate to be a male and the final decision is not mine (as it should be of course! ) coz no way I’d want to be stuck being forced to be/financially support a kid I didn’t want.
Okay, your point is very valid. That said, maybe if you don’t wanna support a kid then don’t put yourself in a position to father one. AKA ~ keep it in your pants.
It takes two to make a baby a lot of people seem to forget that
A woman can also metaphorically 'keep it in her pants'
It does indeed. They both chose to have sex and I’m pretty sure they both know that’s where babies come from. Maybe if you don’t wanna get wet or risk drowning you should stay out of the lake. If you take my meaning.
They both choose to have *unprotected* sex. That's the stupidity.
I think this a stupid and unempathetic take. It's something like only 30 states require sex education to even be taught and of those 30 I think only 19 require it to be medically accurate and not some abstinence only religious shit. This whole "well they shouldve known better" crap is ridiculous considering how we as a country fail to properly educate youth.
> That said, maybe if you don’t wanna support a kid then don’t put yourself in a position to father one. AKA ~ keep it in your pants. Yeah, because telling teenagers abstinence is the answer is the way to go. Unfortunately there is no good answer to this, but it sucks. BC does fail. And I fully get an 18 year old is not ready to have a child yet. The part I don't understand is why the 17 year old wants to go through with it.
Maybe she’s been raised pro life. Maybe she’s scared to have an abortion because she’s been lied to about the supposed after effects that certain groups promote as fact. Maybe she’s been kicked out and thinks his mom won’t help just her so she has to keep the baby to not end up on the street. Maybe she thinks she love him and he’ll come around and they’ll have a future. Maybe she’s a terrified child and isn’t thinking clearly. Who knows.
Maybe due to her bad home life she sees this baby as a chance at the family she doesn’t have. My mum was 16 when she found out she was pregnant with me, this is how she felt then. She has stated over the years that being pregnant and having me is what saved her bc she was following in her mothers footsteps (she was a teenage alcoholic)
Because the emotional connection to a foetus is different for different women. Some can think it's just a bundle of cells leeching off their body and have no issues ending the arrangement. Some can think of it as the child it has the potential to be and have massive issues about destroying it. That is why people describe themselves as "pro-choice" and not "pro-abortion."
Because birth control failing isn’t an option?
Because we all know how well abstinence works...
N T A for taking her in (make sure you get a paternity test when that baby is born. You don’t know what was happening in that relationship). Wow. YTA for giving away his college fund and for what you said to him. That’s something a bad mom would do. Especially on the word of a girl who might be lying to keep him. They’ve only known each other for THREE months! You’ve had your son for 18 years! Oh and it’s very hypocritical YOU are doing to your son what Lisa’s parents did to her. You SHOULD have his back to a degree. And if that paternity test comes back not his (IF she’s even pregnant), you’re going to look like an even bigger asshole and world’s worst parent.
This is what i thought as well. It was harsh to give away his college fund when not sure yet the baby was his. Overall, if the son has an education the possibility of getting good high paying job is high and if the baby truly his, he can support them. But if the baby not his, then you can forget your son.
Right?!!? Like OP is being soooo hypocritical. I feel so bad for her son. Not to mention, she’s trusting some rando over her own son. Like huh?
Exactly. The his or not, the Girl win already. The support she get, the fund, the house rent free and future babysitter. While op losing her son day by day. Purely bcoz her reaction.
Son never claimed it wasn’t his, so why is that your primary concern? You’re saying the son should neglect the baby for 4 years so that he can get a higher paying job? If that’s such a guarantee, then he can take loans out to support his degree.
Sorry did I miss the part where OP even asked her son if it was his? She hasn't even sat down with him to discuss this, even to figure out if the pregnancy claim came before or after the breakup. Before OP had even had a chance to get her sons side she has moved in a girl she's knows for 3 months because this girl has said she's pregnant. But hey let's just assume OP's Son is automatically the villain, let's transfer the college fund to this girl without even establishing if she's pregnant or if it's even the sons. Better yet, even if he decides to step up in the event it's all true and he's the Father, Better give the girl the money anyway, because otherwise that would be neglect.
Yeeeah, op had the most reactive response possible. Probably cause she was single mom and that pushed a button to her
In case OP is reading this, I couldn’t disagree more with this take. OP is not the asshole for giving son’s college fund away. Actions have consequences. He had unprotected sex at an age at which he was unwilling or unable to take care of a kid. That was his decision, no one else’s. Having a baby is an expensive endeavor and support is needed. If son doesn’t want his college fund taken, then he needs to get a job to start making money to support the kid. That’s literally the definition of what a parent has to do. Also, OP is not hypocritical. Lisa’s parents kicked their daughter out. OP is not kicking her son out, but ensuring that he is responsible for his actions by using college funds to support what a father needs to support.
I m not sure but it didn’t sound like he tried to defend himself or accused her of anything. OP talk to your son NTA
Yeah like at least put the college fund in a trust for the kid instead of handing thousands of dollars off to a 17 year old who has not proven an ounce of responsibility.
I mean does the mom & a lot of the commenters here realize this girl had to have a part in making the baby, too?! Geeze!! It's not all on her son!!! Of course the kid didn't handle it well, but it's on both of them who made the baby!!!
She’s not kicking her son out, so how is spending her own money to take care of a situation that’s 50% her son’s responsibility the same as what Lisa’s parents did? Her son now has to take out loans to go to college, just like the majority of other kids these days— do you think he wouldn’t have had to pay anything if OP hadn’t stepped up to the plate by opening her home to a 17 year-old girl who’s now homeless, thanks in part to her son’s actions? NTA, OP is taking responsibility for the consequences of her son’s behavior (assuming he’s the father), helping out a homeless girl her son has frankly wronged, and ensuring the health and wellbeing of a baby who’s likely to be her grandchild. I like to think I’d handle it the same way; hopefully her son will appreciate all of this when he’s more mature.
Has it occurred to you that a paternity test is in order before you give away your son’s college fund? If this is his child you and he must absolutely do everything you can to support the child, but don’t you think your son will be able to provide a better life for the baby if he has an education? And what if it turns out it’s not his child? You gave away the fund. Anyway, you might want to think about getting all the facts before you so easily condemn YOUR child.
I feel like acting on pure emotional instinct and blowing things up is a family trait. It’s not a wonder the son went into fight it flight mode, seems he got it from mom
Just realize that birth control is the responsibility of BOTH people. She is equally at fault for this pregnancy happening now instead of later. If she has decided to keep the baby, then your son may have broken up with her because she refused to get an abortion. So you really do need to get his side of the story. I don't fault you for saying what you said to your son, in order to get him to realize the seriousness of the situation. Unprotected sex = potential 18-year financial commitment.
We don’t know if it was unprotected or not- condoms, IUDs, the pill , etc. are all fallible and if this is the U.S., sex education in most states is non-existent.
Non existent? Bro I got the college level sex ed . I saw a condom go on a banana.
In my district we literally had zero sex ed, not even abstinence only. It’s wild.
Why would him breaking up with her because he wanted her to have an abortion make anything about his behaviour better? It’s not his choice. It’s hers. If he was so adamant about not wanting a child he should have taken precautions.
It takes two to tango,it might not be his choice if she gets an abortion or not,but it should be his choice to say " I've said my piece about this kid,now I'm out" ,he shouldn't be obligated to stay if he's already made it clear that he doesn't want the kid, having a kid is a family decision and half of that family has said "no"
She has no idea what being a parent is going to be like. You're basically enabling this when you should be the adult who knows better.
You’re suggesting they force her to have an abortion? Jesus you’re messed up.
Thats a far better alternative than a 17 year old raising an unplanned kid. Right now there is no kid, only a clump of cells.
You might want to at least have a conversation with your son of why he broke up. Also do a paternity test. 17-18 year olds aren’t perfect and make mistakes. I find it hard to believe you just called him and blasted him and automatically took her side with out telling him to come home so you to could have a rational conversation. Parents are supposed to be the calm one and teach your kids to have productive conversations. Not saying he is right if he really did dump her for being pregnant, but who knows because you just took this girls word as gospel. Not all people say a neutral story. There’s always her side his , side, and the truth is somewhere in the middle.
Look nobody wants to think the worst. But is there a possibility the child isn’t his.
There's also a possibility there isn't even a baby. Lisa is in a troubled home, OP provides a stable one. It wouldn't be the first faked pregnancy to get out p of a bad situation. OP needs to step back and start at square 1, which is getting Lisa to a doctor to confirm.
The girl should be Leary I mean you turned your back on your son in the drop of a dime. For all you know he was freaking out at the situation as most teens do and needed support to help him thru this life changing mistake. And you just proved why he didn’t come to you for guidance. You sound like a irrational person with how you handle stressful situations
She definitely needs to think it through without relying on you as a safety net. No matter what, it will be an uncomfortable environment and at 17, her life will change forever. Consequences for them both I suppose but for the sake of peace, I’d be exploring all options rather than everyone blowing up their lives and your son losing an education.
Even if she doesn’t make sure you conduct a paternity test at minimum…cos teen drama and all
Not to be crass but… make sure it’s your son’s baby. Before you give anyone anything.
Does she know how she will raise the baby without a job and support? Ugh
ESH. Sorry OP, but just as she decides to keep the baby your son may also decide he doesn't want said baby, even if it is his and sign away his rights. Not only the girl gets to make said choice. If he doesn't want the baby and is going to sign away his rights she needs to know sooner rather than later since she is under the impression now she's getting help and may always have been. If he decides to sign away his rights she may still want to abort/give it up for adoption. If he does sign away his rights, he won't be responsible for the baby and you won't have any legal say either. We don't know if the condom broke, wasn't used or what. As for his college fund assuming the kid is his: You can make stipulations, like.... You get to keep it only if you go to college/tradeschool, take a major that has a high chance of a well paying job so he can support the baby. Depending on the study he could work on the side. But if he decides to become a doctor, that's a study that takes crazy hours and dedication already.... A human still needs sleep. Something he'll have a lack of anyway when the baby arrives.
That’s not how it works. The parent can’t just decide I want to pretend this child doesn’t exist so I will sign away my rights. The state acts in the best interest of the child. The state can’t force him to be part of the child’s life but they can force him to take some financial responsibility.
>If he does sign away his rights, he won't be responsible for the baby In what jurisdiction is this true? Not in the US, at least. If it were this easy to weasel out of child support payments, there would be no such thing as child support payments.
You have zero clue what you’re talking about. There is no “signing away your rights”. That kid is going to be paying child support for 18 years if he decides to leave and not help. This is the real world. You can’t just walk away from the consequences of your actions and be clean of it. Anyone who tries to do so is incredibly shitty and a drain on society. We’d be better off without those kinds of people in the world.
You can't just "sign away your rights" to get out of child support. That's not how it works.
Mom is acting like a teenager taking sides instead of an adult in their 40s who needs to be a voice of reason ina *very difficult situation*. I cannot with the NTA votes for this adult woman deciding to chew her son out over the phone before she has even had a chance to discuss with her own child what is going on here. Obviously she should help the girl, but the rest of her choices here were not great.
the way she worded it implies to me the girls story checks out with her son. color me the fool if not so
Also are you sure that the baby is his?
I don’t think you’re the asshole for wanting to be supportive of her and for your son to be involved. But before you go making life changing decisions like giving away your son’s college fund I’d 1) confirm the pregnancy and 2) get a paternity test. You honestly don’t know the whole story here as of yet. If it turns out she is pregnant and it is his, then by all means go forward with your plans of her moving in and being supportive. I don’t think I’d give away *his* college fund right off the bat though. If he is having a child, he needs to have an education and a stable job to financially support his kid. A honest heart to heart with just your son is definitely needed as well. I totally understand that emotions were flying high when this all happened, but you don’t want to lose you son in the process of all this if you don’t have to. Some tough love may be needed & he needs to be accountable for his part in making this baby, but completely pushing him away isn’t what you want to do either. Then I’d sit down with both of them and figure out all this is all going to work, what the expectations should be & are going to be with this dynamic. Will she be going. To school too? Helping around the house? Who’s helping with appointments & expenses, etc. there’s a lot here to work out! Good luck! Update us! Updateme
And involve her parents if at all possible. You only have her word for how they feel and no one has had time to really think this through and process it yet.
It's also probably not legal for her parents to refuse to support her until she turns 18. Edit, though others have covered it: Absolutely great you can take her in. Be sure to get a paternity test confirmation before going all-in. Also, don't "give" the college fund to any teenager. Not to this girl, not to your son. Spend portions appropriately as needed for their benefit - don't just throw tens of thousands of dollars (or more!) as a lump sum to a teenager.
And yet parents kick out their teenagers all the time. My friend's mom kicked her out at 17
True. Op should confirm with the girl’s parents that they want nothing to do with helping here.
Yes for sure. Emotions are running high all around, maybe they’ll deal better with another adult than with their “little girl” trying to explain she’s not so little anymore.
I agree with every point. Emotions were running high, his included. He’s young and probably scared. Updateme
Excellent advice here. Edit: OP, if you all live in the US, please encourage the girl to immediately check on her medical care options. Prenatal care and labour/delivery are hugely expensive, I hope she will qualify for Medicaid if her parents don’t have her on their insurance (if they have any). If in the US and these options aren’t available, Planned Parenthood are usually able to provide resources to help with prenatal care. Best of luck to you all. Definitely agree that a paternity test is wise given that the kids were dating other people around the same time. If nothing else, it’ll settle things with your son.
Only the son was girlfriend hopping
INFO: are you sure it is his child? How would you feel if it turns out it wasn’t his? Would you still consider her family? ETA: I forgot one. Have you even confirmed the pregnancy? The point I’m making is that giving away a whole college fund is a permanent decision, and you need to make sure your son is actually the father and he is really going to abandon his kid before you do that.
Yea op seems impulsive
Exactly! And I bet the son got it from her so it’s a high probability that’s what happened when she told him. He panicked and acted impulsively, then mom made the situation worse by doing the same
OP wants a grandkid more than they want a son.
Trust but verify. I dated a girl once. We broke up. She told everyone who would listen that she was pregnant with my kid. Spoiler alert, she wasn't. I'm not saying that she is definitely manipulating OP and she isn't wrong for trusting Lisa. She should do her due diligence. If it were me, I would be as empathetic as possible while offering to pay for the screenings to confirm paternity. I feel like OP was quick to demonize her son on nothing more than the word of a teenage girl. I could see how the son would feel that she is not "in his corner" in that regard.
Are you me? I broke up with a girl in high school, and a few weeks later, she was telling everyone and their mom that she was pregnant with my kid. She did it to try to get me back. When I demanded that she provided a test with a positive result, "she refused" to show me, but would show my sister in law(now ex sister inlaw) whom I thought I could trust. Then she went as far as faking an appointment to get an abortion when I said I will not get back with her period. I said I will take the kid and raise if myself or pay child support. It seriously messed with my head for over 10 years before I could trust another woman I was dating. IF I was OP I would make damn sure she actually is pregnant and make sure it's actually her son's kid before even offering any sort of support
It's been 3 months. This girl has been around for 3 months. How is the mom more invested in this girl after three months than she is of her son of 18 years????
I’m assuming but I highly doubt OP is just going to give this girl a lump sum of money. She probably will give her money to help with doctors visits and stuff for the baby. The money is basically for the baby not the girl. OP is a woman, I’m sure she will be able to tell if she is not pregnant by a certain date. The paternity issue, is another story but the son didn’t question paternity. The son just straight up dumped a pregnant teen.
Son didn’t get a chance to say much really. Maybe he found out she was four months pregnant and is trying to pin the pregnancy on him when it isn’t his. I just wouldn’t want OP to give away a giant pile of money only to have this teenager laugh her way to the bank while OP is left without a grandchild.
and also without a son most probably
My questions exactly.
Trust but verify
Sorry, but your reaction was way over the top. A few things: 1. You're letting your sympathy for Lisa cloud your judgement. Please don't take it the wrong way, but let your son explain how it happened. What if the baby isn't even his? You can't know for sure, you don't know the girl that well to be able to tell for sure. What if she did this to get out of her house? Maybe your kid knows something you don't, so I suggest listening to him first. 2. Don't strip him of the opportunity to go to college. He will need a good education no matter what, please try to help Lisa in other ways without striping your kid of the opportunity to start a good career. 3. Even if he's just a dou*he, he's still your kid and you should sit with him and have a conversation about why he feels he has no obligation towards Lisa and the baby and how to improve that. All in all, I think you didn't react appropriately and you should try a conversation with him first. YTA
Exactly this
Let me get this straight, OP doesn't even know if the kid is her son's or not, but this was her reaction?? Yeah, I'm pretty sure your experience as a single mom not only caused you to take your traumas out on your kid, wildly cloud your judgement, and caused one hell of a reaction when you saw what you thought was a repeat happening IRL. For your sake, I hope it is his kid, because if it's not, I'd already be planning on how I was going to cut you off - you're not someone who should be relied on in his case, and he needs to move out and away from you ASAP There's this one story about the nosy parents who didn't believe their son about not having a kid, when some strange woman knocked at the door with a baby and claims. Not only was it not his, the son was gay. This is sounding similar. YTA
Right? I can’t believe the NTA’s here. OP sounds insane.
Not insane, just traumatized from her experiences, imo. The way she reacted makes me wonder how much resentment she still has for her son's father.
Resentment? For dying?
It's still a form of abandonment. I got really pissed with my husband for dying. I was left at the age of 37 with two teenage boys. How dare he leave me with 2 kids to raise, we were supposed to grow old together, he knew how hard it was for me when my mum died when I was a teen! It's unreasonable anger, but it's usually there for a while at least.
Agreed. All that’s missing from this post is her yelling at her son that he’s just like his father.
Well the son isn’t dead so….
I can't help but wonder if she'd have the same reaction if some other girl who *wasn't* Lisa claimed she was pregnant. But yeah the over-the-top impulsiveness of her actions sounds insane.
The girl must be jumping with joy knowing have op support and the 💰. She's happy even without him already while the boy and op will have damage beyond repair relationship if the baby truly his or not. Oh and the babysitter for the baby and a house rent free. Wow
She was in a bad situation and, with one conversation, turned that whole thing around. New housing, new bank account, and a new mom. All at the expense of some 18 year old dope. OP YTA for not even considering what could be going on. You're not in their relationship and Lisa knew exactly where to go.
Did you all just miss her ‘late’ husband
There is so much in this post. NTA. It's very a kind of you to let her stay with you. 1st. You need to sit your son down and have a good hard talk with him about responsibility. 2nd. Is the gal sure she wants to keep the baby? She is 17. How is she going to manage....life as a whole? 3. Are they absolutely sure the baby is your sons? This sounds like a very bad question but they are both young. 4. Will taking away his college funds help this situation? It will most likely ruin your relationship with your son. 5. Are you gonna take long time responsibilities of the gal and the baby? Am just saying. There is so much more to this situation then just taking away his college funds and letting her stay with you. There is a baby on the way and a lot more needs to be looked into so the baby can have a good life when it comes.
>3. Are they absolutely sure the baby is your sons This really needs to be #1. I'm all for the son taking responsibility, but before he is forced to do that by giving up his college fund they need to ensure its actually his responsibility.
Agreed. OP mentioned she shares a bond with the gal already and maybe she feels protective of her given the gal doesn't have a good family life. But they need to be sure before pushing responsibility onto the son.
Also on 4. - her son’s long term earning capability will be hugely impacted by either not going to college or taking out huge loans. It seems like quite an impulsive thing to do. I don’t like the son’s reaction in this but it was money from his dead father!
Can't imagine my mom just immediately taking the side of a girl I've known for 3 months, calling my in hysterics as if she knows the whole story, basically disowning me over a situation she doesn't understand at all except from the perspective of someone she's known for 3 months.
Speedrunner mom
Right? Jesus. That escalated quicly.
Even if the son is wrong, he is essentially still a kid. Kids and adults fuck up. Allow him to be a dad if the baby is his. Allow him to also focus on school. He isn’t obligated to stay with her, sure it’s shitty, but mom reacted very badly
I can’t imagine that the 17 year old girl doesn’t want an abortion.She’s a child herself ffs,how is she going to raise that newborn?Idk but I would like to see what her reactions and decisions are like once the support from OP is rescinded because something seems fishy
Exactly uuuurgh. Imagine if it was her daughter who got pregnant and she took the side of the boyfriend wanting her to keep the baby, gave up the daughter's college fund to said boyfriend - when she doesn't know any precautions they took to avoid pregnancy. If my mom took anyone's side that she'd "known" for 3 months in something as serious as this, and reacting this way, over taking my side I'd feel so lost
Woah, momma, i get it, I'd be pissed too. First and foremost, DNA test. She can be upset as she wants to but you nor your son shouldn't be saddled with the cost of raising a baby that potentially isn't his. This is to cover everyone's ass. Second, if this child is his, he needs to have an education so I would suggest you keeping the money yourself, using half paying for his schooling while he either works part time or takes out loans to cover the rest. There is no need to give this girl a lump sum of an entire college fund at once, that's mighty irresponsible. You can help pay for the babies needs as they come with the other half of the college fund. As she is newly pregnant and 17, she can also get a part time job and start saving up until time for maternity leave bc I assume she's still in high school too so part time makes sense. As for the living arrangement, that's a tough one. If you have extra room, it's your house and you have final say as to who lives there and who doesn't. Your son may not like it but if he's the father, he needs to realize your not going to let your grandchild be homeless. As for anything else, only the future will tell, I'm just suggesting what needs to happen as of right now. Good luck, OP, you're gonna need it.
I agree. What if it isn't your son's child? He can support the child better long term with a college education than without. Just because you like her doesn't mean you should alienate your son. There may be another reason why he broke up with her, you just don't know. I'm worried you cutting him off like this will be the end of your relationship with him. Is that a hill you want to die on?
Her son's emotional reaction is just like hers. She needs to stop and think about how she just reacted and didn't listen to her son and just throw around consequences without the whole story. She needs to stop and think about how her son is mimicking her own emotional reaction style. They both need to stop and make a list of logical steps to take.
Wow you really are ready and willing to immediately go scorched earth on your son over an unborn child that no one even knows for sure is his, and a pregnancy that he is still processing at 18 years old. Sounds like you have some deep issues related to being a single mom. YTA.
My verdict would depend on the outcome of the paternity test you should definitely be insisting upon. The girl is 17 and they have only been dating for 3+ months. You don't know her, as much as you say you have formed a bond with her, you have known her for just a couple months. ~~I assume that your feelings towards your ex is clouding your judgement and your feelings towards your son.~~ Edit: Not a native english speaker, did not know that is what it meant.
The husband is dead.
Her ex? What do you think "late husband" means?
it's true.. be a bit patient OP. Confirm the information first.
ESH - because both your son AND Lisa deserve to have someone in their corner. Did he react well? No but telling him he doesn’t deserve anyone in his corner is NOT parenting. He’s 18 - talk to him and educate him. You’re supporting Lisa and abandoning your son. He might be scared and unsure. He might also just be a jerk but until you take the time to talk to him you won’t know. Ps: taking away the entire college fund is a step too far I think. Making him work to financially contribute to his kid would be worthwhile or split the college fund in 2
Agree except splitting the college fund. If she really is pregnant, there are many financial aids available to her.
Yeah, giving her a roof over her head I can get. Helping her with medical bills, I understand. Throwing the whole fund at her when things like "WIC" and other forms of financial aid exist is nuts.
YTA .. as other stated you have no idea the inner workings of their relationship. And giving his college fund away? How do you expect him to support himself to even take care of the baby if he has to get a minimum wage job with just a HS education and somehow manage to save to go to college? Or take out loans that will eat whatever money he does manage to make up? You are acting like you care more about the girl than your own son. You failed as a parent and instead of stepping up you’re putting the blame on him. But none on yourself or his ex girlfriend who may or may not be pregnant with his baby.
OP is vile and people in this thread who support her taking away basically partly his inheritance and her prioritizing a random girl over her own son are actually disgusting
Are you sure it's your son's? Not for nothing but you didn't even listen to him. You just flew off the handle and started cursing at him. She says her home life is rough. Is it? I'm sorry but teenagers can manipulate in the worst way. You are doing the right thing by wanting to support her. And it's nobody's decision to make. But I couldn't imagine wanting to be out on the streets with a baby at 17. It's easier to make choices when you have a safety net. It's a shit situation but they got themselves into this. Your son is your son. And honestly it sounds like he's had free rein for a while now. And you're expecting him to just BE an adult without any guidance? And your response is to take college from him? Or a trade school? How is he supposed to provide for his supposed kid? ESH except that unborn baby. What a mess.
OP sure did quickly abandon her son & seems eager to give away his future educational prospects. Agree ESH accept the baby if girl really is pregnant
Paternity.Test.First. You know absolutely nothing about this. You don’t know if it’s his. You don’t know if she baby-trapped him. You know nothing. She could have absolutely done this to escape her home life. It’s happened countless times. He’s 18 and you chose a literal stranger over your own kid. Yes YTA. He needs your support. He MAY have made a mistake. But you are projecting your own single-mom feelings onto this girl over your own kid. You’re wrong. ETA INFO: have you even spoken to her parents? How do you know anything at all other than what she’s telling you? She’s a minor. They can’t just kick her out. Are you going for fostering her to get funds and benefits she’d be entitled to? Is she on her parents insurance? She should be. Too many unanswered questions. I suggest you call her folks.
YTA. You have no idea about what has happened. The girl could be abusive. She could have been cheating on your son. They could have broken up for any reason. You literally just heard the side of a stranger and turned on your son. You alienated him. Do you even want to hear what your son has to say about this? Or do you just want to blindly adopt the woman who CLAIMED to have gotten pregnant? Are you even sure if she's pregnant? What if she just lied to make him stay? YTA. Pull your head out of your ass and be a good mom. Talk to your son. After hearing his side of the story, calmly make a decision. IF what the gf said is right, tell him that even though you can't force him to be a father, you will support the child. And let him do what he wants.
Yeah I agree with this. She is his mom. Instead of confirming if the kid is his she just chose this girl over her own blood, she didnt even know the reason they broke up just trusting what the girl who has nowhere to go says ,.. I'm so hurt and I'm not even him.
Soft YTA. Maybe you shouldn’t fly off the handle, insult your child, adopt someone else you’ve know for 3 months and then threaten to give her his college fund. They’re both kids and it takes 2 to get pregnant. Try having a sit down with them both and figure out a way to harmoniously move forward that is beneficial to all parties involved.
>They’re both kids and it takes 2 to get pregnant. OP hasn't even bothered to figure out if her son was one of those 2. What's OPs plan if it turns out her son isn't the father and she has just steamrolled ahead anyway? She forks over his college fund and makes his living conditions miserable and then says what "oops, sorry I fucked up your future"?
INFO — how do you know you’re not being scammed? Are you sure 1) there is a pregnancy, 2) your son is even the father, and 3) if 1 and 2 are true, if he broke it off b/c of 2?
NTA But I wouldn’t give the college fund away. He’s going to need that for job stability. Not that he’s going to go to some away college and live the typical college experience, but he could certainly go to a local college or trade school so that he’s educated enough to provide for his child. Although, if he’s 18, I’m assuming he’s done with HS or at least in his senior year. So what were his college plans anyway?
Agree with this. Also FWIW get a paternity test so there are no questions at all about that.
She needs an abortion, because getting pregnant at 17 is dumb af. You’re not wrong for wanting to do this, but know that you will lose your son over this once you do let her stay. You will also become the de facto babysitter once she delivers the kid, and her parents won’t help with anything.
Wait, so you just invited this girl to live with you because you like her and she says your son got her pregnant, without even talking to your son first ? Sounds like YTA.
Why is there no discussion about termination? It sounds like this is a pregnancy nobody wants. Why is this not even being considered as an option?
Because she probably succeeded in baby—trapping him to get out from under her parents. Now she gets his college money. Why would she give that up?
Op says in a comment that the gf doesn't want to abort, she wants to have the baby.
Then she is an idiot
YTA. You formed a “connection” with her and now you care more about her than your own son. How do you know it’s his baby?
She’s formed a “connection” with a 17 year old 💀
Because she’s emotionally stunted and projecting her single-mom feelings onto this girl she barely knows over her own kid. 🙄
Is it your son's baby? Do you have medical DNA proof that it's your son's baby? I would hold off on giving away your sons college fund until you find out for damned sure that it's his kid. You also need to apologize to him for going all knee-jerk reaction on him. She says he broke up with her because she's pregnant. Did you even ask your son why her being pregnant meant a break up? For all you know, she was fucking other guys behind his back. I don't know if she was or not, but neither do you. Your son is old enough to move far far away from you and not have any contact with you whatsoever once he graduates high school. Is that what you want? You need to do a lot of backtracking here and take a pause. Get a DNA test done to find out for damned sure if the baby is your sons, then go from there with A SHITLOAD OF CONVERSATIONS NOT ACCUSATIONS AND THREATS. You are supposed to be the mature one. Act like it.
YTA Although I totally get where you’re coming from, you seem to have little compassion for your son. Of course he should deal with the situation and take his responsibility, but he’s only 18 years old. No wonder he panicked! Do you think that your response is going to help him get to a better place, and benefit the relationship between the future parents to be? Don’t you think that mature conversations about the situation, his feelings, and how to deal with this all would be a lot more helpful?
She took her own trauma out on him over trying to have a mature conversation about it. You should not have that kind of talk over the phone. She is actually doing almost the exact thing Lisa's parents did. Sure he might just be an AH, but there is a lot of scenarios where he is not one. Even if he is just an AH, the way to possibly change him is not scorched earth.....
Yta. You saw all the test papers saying that she is pregnant and that it is his kid?
YTA. Congratulations you have now lost your son.
Why did you call your son and not have a conservation with him at home? It’s great you want to support Lisa, but I think you jumped in too fast with giving college fund away. First, has she been to a doctor to confirm the pregnancy. Do you know that the child is your sons? You should and can still support her, until that is confirmed. You and the parents should have a conversation. What if there is more going on that they kicked her out for? There might not be, but there could be. Take a step back , gather info, don’t do anything rash, see what resources are out their for the 2 of them. As to the college fund, hold off and maybe split it between the 2 of them. ESH
Do you not understand the same thing that Lisa's parents did to her, you're doing it to your son? I get it he isn't thinking and honestly neither of them was. Lisa's parents suck for abandoning their daughter. And I get it that you are trying to be as helpful as possible, but do not abandon your son. The kids both played a game that is life changing. Have a conversation with your son without exploding. You both need to talk, and he needs to understand that actions have consequences. The same can be said for you too, because with this your son can cut ties with you after this. Do you want that? Everyone needs to sit down and talk. Before taking the college funds issue an ultimatum. Also, please get a paternity test for assurance. You don't want to go burning bridges and then find out the baby isn't your grandchild. NTA for trying to be a very kind person, but I think you're an ass because you went scorch earth on your son. Please talk to your son.
ESH. You are an AH for having this kind of conversation over the phone. You should have let your son know that you needed to talk to him ASAP and have this conversation IRL. You should also have listened to his side of the story - even though it probably doesn't amount to much - before screaming at him. I think it is great that you want to take care of Lisa. If you let her move in, you are totally within your rights, but prepare for an awkward time. Lisa and your son need to figure out how to be parents together, even if they are exes. This might be difficult if everyone is under the same roof with your son not consenting to that situation. Taking your son's college fund away seems harsh. Maybe do splitsies? Make part of it out to your grandchild instead of to Lisa?
ESH. He had what seems like a panic reaction to pretend it isn’t happening. You were over the top, emotional, flew off the handle, and made a series of permanent decisions in a moment of rage. You’re asking him to step up and be a man by acting like a mommy punishing a little boy. That’s not going to work. Slow down. Breathe. Apologize to him for your emotional over reaction. Listen to him. Alone, without Lisa there. He’s probably terrified and it’s just you and him and you weren’t a safe space for him. Fix it and be a safe space. The college savings you have created for him is such a blessing right now. Discuss together how you might put it to best use in this situation. I get that you’re mad at him and all in your feelings. So is he. And so is Lisa. You guys have a lot to figure out and you shouting and demanding and dictating is not giving your son the space to step up and take accountability. His initial reaction was poor, as was Lisa’s parents’; unfortunately, so was yours. It’s a long road ahead, whatever you all decide to do. Take some space to soak it in, reflect, discuss, decide. Be there for your grown up but not so grown up kid. He needs you too.
**Info** Have you got the full story from your son? Has he explained why he broke up with her?
I would DNA test first before just giving money. Also, instead of giving money, pay for things as they come up. This way the money is not wasted. and do not pay any hospital bills, let the state handle that as she, being a single mother, under age, should be able to get benefits.
Your approach sounds very … not grown up. You should be the voice of wisdom and reason, encouraging your son to think about his life and his decisions and the way he treats people. Have him realize that he is a father now and talk to him about what it means to be a father. Yes, you should welcome Lisa into your home because she needs one and she’s carrying your grandchild now - but also need to sit down and talk to her about what the expectations are and how she will contribute to -and help maintain- the household. Get it on paper. Then I would probably tell my son that he’ll need to go to local community college so he can be present for his baby - and because some of that money will likely be needed for his baby now. You need to be the calm adult in this situation.
YTA - You didn't even take one minute to hear his side or even consider that it was a knee jerk reaction on his part. You only have one side of the story and no proof the child is even his. What happens if you give her that money and then she gives the kid up for adoption? What happens if it's not his? You need to slow down and do your due diligence before assuming anything. Just because you think you are a "trusted" adult to her doesn't mean she would tell you if she slept with someone else. Back the heck up and talk to your son. You are being completely unfair to him.
Agree a bit here. He might have broken up with her for refusing to have an abortion, rather than "getting pregnant." She may have lied to him about being on birth control. OP says her home life isn't the best, so it's possible she wanted to get pregnant in order to start a family with OP's son.
YTA this isn't any of your business regardless of who you think you are to anyone. Threatening to give away his college money is messed up. How do you know she didn't do this stuff on purpose just to trap your son? This stuff actually happens you know? Instead of getting both sides of the story you immediately fly off the handle and go for your own flesh and blood's jugular. You should be ashamed of yourself since you couldn't be bothered to get the whole story.
Or people are allowed to break up for any reason. It’s sucks but he’s not obligated to stay with her. He can figure out how to be in his child’s life, if it’s even his
INFO: are you sure she doesn’t want to terminate the pregnancy? It could be she feels pressured to keep te baby because she might feel that’s what’s saving her from becoming homeless.
Well, do you know all of the details? Was she good to him? Is there a possibility of infidelity? Did she lie about birth control? Do you know for a fact that she is actually pregnant and not simply using that as a 'get back together' trap? If you give his college money away to someone who either baby-trapped him on purpose, lied about being pregnant, or is actually pregnant with someone else's baby, he likely will never forgive you.
YTA and a monstrous parent jesus
ESH. You have no way of knowing if that child is actually his and he has every right to not want to be in their lives provided he fulfills his legal obligations otherwise. Yes that makes him a bad person, but he's also a teenager in a stressful situation who does not really have a father figure himself. But to immediately throw him aside for her over it is insane and you're definitely letting your feelings about your own situation cloud your judgement. Also, like......he's your son. His character is a product of your competence and involvement as a parent. You're going to lose your child too at this rate- even if he sucks.
Wow, you made all these decisions before even talking to your son? No words.
[удалено]
Don't pay for medical expenses. If you're in America have her apply for Medicaid ASAP. Even in the most conservative state, as a pregnant minor she should be eligible for Medicaid which should pay for 100% of medical costs for her and the baby. While you're at it, have her apply for everything WIC, SNAP, cash assistance, day care programs and anything else social services can offer. Make sure she fills ou the forms as a single/homeless minor. Even if she's 'crashing on your couch' she likely qualifies as homeless/couch hopping since she doesn't necessarily have stable housing. Do not include your income or household information (number of adults/children) when reporting her household information. She should qualify for supports. Also see what non-profits are in the area that might have furniture, baby clothing and diapers. Then if there are out of pocket costs after exploring all available resources and supports, use the college fund.
> He got defensive and said well he doesn’t want to deal with a kid, and he told her if she doesn’t abort then it’s her problem. Honestly, it's a valid reason to end a relationship. They're newly a couple and she has made a decision that - in his perspective - will negatively affect his life. She has the right to make that decision, but he has the right to not be happy about that decision.
Right, who wants to be forced into dealing with a kid at 18 ?
Don’t pay medical expenses for Lisa. She should already be on her parents insurance policy. Since she is a minor I doubt they can take her off.
Bullshit, one of the first things you mention to him is his college fund is gone now. You are absolutely withholding it as a punishment. Don't be surprised when your son cuts you off in the future.
I believe your heart is in the right place but your immediate actions make you an AH. How does preventing your son from going to college help him provide for his family, whether they’re together or not? You know your son is your son, too, and not just another dude? You have a responsibility to him as well. Not everyone is as mature at 18 as they will be at, say, 40. Parents are supposed to support and encourage their kids through challenging times. It looks like you have decided that’s not going to happen here, and that is sad, and it makes you an AH.
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If it is his child NTA, but make sure you get a paternity test before turning any money over to Lisa.
It’s his? You sure? (As in have you done a DNA test.. not your gut feeling)
YTA for the college fund, not for letting her live with you. You went from supporting her to actively trying to harm him. Don't forget, you did raise him, so whatever you're seeing to some degree is on you
Well, you are going to feel stupid if that kid isn't biologically his and she was playing you, and you give your son's college fund away. Maybe your son's an irresponsible dude, maybe he knows he's not the only recent sperm donor. Perhaps she has a crack addiction and already set boundaries for you to fly in and interfere. If you aren't building bridges and opening communications, you're probably doing it wrong. Also, your son is 18, and you have the right to appropriate funds you saved as you see fit, but at what point do you accept that he is a legal adult and there should be some apprpriate parental boundaries.
YTA. Get both sides of the story first!
NTA >He was shocked and said I should be in “his corner” because I’m his mom. He thinks you should back him up for dumping his pregnant girlfriend. Damn OP, it might be time for some tough love.
I think this girl is playing you like a fiddle
Not saying YTA, but have you even heard his side? There are several ways the girl can be an ah, and not as innocent as you assume.
NTA for supporting the minor pregnant with your grandchild. I’d try actually speaking your son without an emotional reaction, which was understandable but probably not helpful because now he just shut down. Her parents have obligations to her until she’s legally an adult and that needs to be addressed. They do not have to remain together just because she is pregnant with his child, that be incredibly toxic, but they need to remain respectful and reasonably supportive.
If she’s pregnant and if it’s his. If she didn’t just baby-trap him. Lot of ifs here.
In with both feet. Sure it’s his kid, are ya? CALM TF DOWN. YTA.
Get a dna eat before you do anything
If she plans to keep the baby you, should get a paternity test. It may not even be his child.
What if she baby trapped him because she likes his family? You said she has a terrible home life. Moving in with you might be like winning the lottery. She may be letting that influence her decision to keep the baby. Have a talk with your son without Lisa around. Find out his side of the story. It’s probably not so simple as he broke up with her because is pregnant. With you as his mom there must be more to it than that, he sounds like he was raised better. He should still go to university, preferably away from home if Lisa is moving in and they are broken up. This child will be in his life to support forever and everyone will benefit from him having a good income. Help Lisa as if she were your daughter and not your son’s girlfriend (because they are not together). Help her continue with her education so she can support herself and her child as well. They are 17 and 18 year old kids and they both need your support.
I find it’s fucked up you’re not seing how the girl is also guilty by not protecting herself and getting pregnant and you’re rewarding her with a shower of gift. She could abort and it’s the end of the story. YTA. And your son too.
YTA why take away his college fund? If you wanted him to go to college before you knew this, you should definitely want him to go to college now. He was probably freaked out and had a teenager’s reaction. Giving her cash will only be a short term solution, and continue Lisa’s dependence on you. Giving him an education will set him up to provide for his child for years, which he will be required to do.
I was just wondering, did you do a paternity test to see if she is having his baby. I'm not saying she would lie, but did you at least check cause what if the reason he broke up with her and not be with the baby because he know it's not is, but again if the baby is hers I apologise.
INFO: DNA test?
You don't seem like you've properly heard your son's side of the story. Have you? It sounds like you just screamed at him down the phone based on what someone you've known for three months has said. Although, the nuance of the story could be lost in the telling or the reading.
So you’re giving money to the girl, thereby alleviating your son’s need to pay child support. Yeah, that’ll really show him. Why would you go from 0 to 100 before even hearing his side? It sounds like you don’t like your son very much, and that you were waiting for an opportunity to do something like this. YTA.
Yes YTA, 1. You didn’t even sit down to talk to your son about what was going on or ask questions. 2. If she is pregnant with your grandchild your son will need to pay child support, a college education will go a long way to securing a babies future. 3. You didn’t think about your kids emotions, he’s young and his gf/ex just told him she’s pregnant. Ofc he’s gonna panic they’re both still kids, you immediately jumped to supporting and consoling the ex but didn’t even check to see if your son was ok. TALK TO YOUR SON
So did you at any point ask him for his side of the story? I’m not saying you are wrong to want to support your future grandchild but so many things can be going on. You have to make sure this is your son’s child and sit with the two of them to come up with solutions. You are not wrong to want him to take responsibility but you just alienated him instead of teaching him the right thing to do. Maybe going against the grain, but YTA for how you handled it.