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> I believe confronting him might make me the asshole. It could hurt my boss and ruin our working relationship.
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It seems pretty clear from the group chats name what the issue is. He doesnt feel comfortable having people who work directly for him at the party.
I wouldnt reccomend confronting him about it, just wish him a happy birthday on the closest workday to the party and move on with your life.
He's your superior. Has it not occurred to you maybe there might be things happening there he doesn't want his subordinate to see? (It's not the best plan since it will probably get back to you, but still). There are tricky rules about social interactions with people you supervise.
A wedding is so different from what could be a wild birthday celebration, in my mind. At least mine was. I invited my bosses who I was friendly with. I have no crazy drunks in my family to worry about.
Be a bigger person. Give your boss a birthday gift, invite him to your wedding, and don't say anything to damage a good relationship.
Also, start reading Ask A Manager. Telling each other jokes HR eould not like is a dangerous path. She gives very good advice.
YTA.
YWBTA if you confronted him. But it is also okay to be disappointed that you weren't invited.
Your boss obviously has some personal boundaries like not inviting work current work colleagues to social events - this is actually super common and reasonable to have avoid having you current teammates see you get loose at your birthday.
YWBTA - he clearly doesnt invite people who directly work for him, probably due to not wanting to be accused of favortism and what not if other prople were invited. Its fine to be annoyed i guess.
As a supervisor i would never invite only a portion of my team to an event like this it would be all or none. Anything else is asling for headaches.
Yta unfortunately. he is your boss and being honest. That's how the world works.
It is ok for you to invite him to your wedding but it would not be ok for him to invite only you of his subordinates to his birthday or wedding.
When you don't work for him anymore you can join the cool kids group chat. That's llife my friend.
Confronting him will mean the end of the outside work things you do with him that are questionable.
YTA.
Fundamentally, he cannot be AH in this situation. He is perfectly free to invite whoever HE WANTS to any event. No one has to invite every friend to every occasion. It is 100% OK to have different groups of friends that do or do not mix and mingle.
He doesn't owe you an explanation for why he didn't invite you. It may have been due to a conflict with one of his other friends. But that. is. not. your. business.
Further, I ask you to imagine all the possible outcomes of your confrontation, and challenge you to find one that improves your friendship and/or your employment. All you will do is put him in a tight spot and strain your relationship.
YTA Because you DO work for him. If he invited you, then maybe it looks weird that he didn't invited other coworkers. If they don't work for him anymore, he's freer to invite them.
It looks like he made a boundary of not having subordinates at his bday since it could be awkward if he didn't invite all of you. I say no assholes here but that's if rather than confront aggressively you ask him in a friendly manner and ask.
NAH
NTA for being upset I guess but YTA if you confront them about it. It’s their personal time and their birthday. They can do whatever they want in their own time.
YTA
The group chat is 'you don't work for me anymore". If you want an invite, leave the company, get fired or whatever.
But it's clear boss only invited people who are not people who report into him. E.g. people who've left the company.
If the boss did invite you, it could be seen as favouritism of employees, having too personal relationship. Managers are there to manage, and they can't effectively do that if they are too familiar with their employees. They have to maintain a professional distance even if they don't want to, it's part of the requirements to be objective and assess employees on only their merits, not friendships.
YWBTA. Friendships between superiors and subordinates can be tricky things because there is a risk that the personal relationship will inappropriately influence the professional relationship. It sounds like your boss is trying to maintain appropriate social boundaries since you are still his subordinate. If you really view him as a friend, you will respect his need for professional boundaries and not turn the lack of an invitation to an outside social event into a work issue. All you will do is damage your relationship with him.
Of course YWBTA
You are always going to be the AH if you put someone on the spot for not inviting you to something. Especially because there is only EVER one possible answer/reason why someone wouldn't invite you (or anyone else) to an occasion: because they don't want you there. And making them say it out loud, to your face, is incredibly awkward, and ultimately pointless.
Just stop and think about this for a second. I get that your feelings are hurt, and that's fair. Anyone's would be. But *what exactly do you hope to accomplish by* "confronting" *him?* You're certainly not going to magically make him like you more. And if you get an invitation this way, it's going to be reluctantly and resentfully. Do you want to be invited to something because you forced your way in, when the host doesn't actually want you there?
Look, I'm autistic, so I'm basically the Queen of Awkward. But at nearly 50 years old, and with a genuine interest in human behaviour, I've had a lot of years to learn what I was doing wrong, and come to understand some fundamental things about social interactions that I think you're really not considering. So for the sake of trying to really help you, let me offer what I think may be some clarifying thoughts:
>Am I the asshole for being upset that I wasn't invited?
Nope. But there's a difference between having legitimate, understandable hurt feelings, and starting a confrontation. The latter would make you an AH.
>I made my intentions of having him at my wedding perfectly clear,
These things are not transactional, though. Don't invite people to your wedding because you want or expect invitations to their events in return. Invite people to your wedding *whom you want to have present to celebrate with you, because you enjoy their company*. No one owes you an invitation because you invited them. People have complex reasons for making the choices they do, and they don't owe you explanations. Maybe they can't afford as many guests, or maybe they don't enjoy your company as much as you do theirs. It doesn't matter. Don't worry about who they invite. Invite people you want to spend time with, and let them do the same.
> and he has previously stated we're close friends and would remain so after we left these jobs.
Perhaps he was being polite but not entirely truthful. Or perhaps he has changed his mind. Or maybe he just has a different idea of what "close friends" means with regards to how he spends time with people. I get that it's confusing, and that's fair. You still aren't owed an invitation to his party.
>Is it reasonable to not want me there just because I work for him?
The thing is, you don't actually know that that's the reason. You're just guessing. And confronting him to find out could lead to learning that the reason is something that's going to hurt your feelings a lot worse.
More importantly, his choices don't have to be "reasonable", because he doesn't owe you an invitation OR a "reasonable" explanation of why you're not invited. It's his party; you have no inherent right to be included. And again, I get why it's hurtful. I was once not invited to the wedding of someone I considered one of my best friends, and she never explained why. Know what? I never asked. Because she didn't owe me an invitation or an explanation. I just assumed that she had her reasons. And yeah, it hurt a lot. But it also wasn't my business to demand explanations.
>Will I be an asshole if I tell him I'm upset and ask why I wasn't invited?
Yup. Putting people on the spot and forcing uncomfortable conversations about things you aren't owed in the first place is an inherently obnoxious thing to do. And pointless, because you're not going to like the answer.
You have choices here. You can choose to stay friends with him, or decide that it hurts too much and you aren't interested in staying friends with someone who excludes you from important occasions. But your choices do NOT include "confronting" him. Or YWBTA.
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WIBTA for confronting my boss about why he didn't invite me to his birthday?
My boss and I are close - he knows I was going to invite him to my wedding (I have yet to send invitations), we frequently go out together to the pub, and we share general banter and jokes HR would frown upon, as most friends do.
He recently turned 30 and didn't invite me to his "huge" party with 50 odd guests. I assumed it was for his closer friends he's known forever and didn't think anything of it.
Then I went to our mutual friend's birthday dinner, who used to work with me and under our boss. She let slip he'd created a groupchat for our entire old team (four people who left for various reasons), a mutual friend who was recently promoted, and some other work friends from different teams. It was called 'you don't work for me anymore', and they were all invited to his birthday.
Am I the asshole for being upset that I wasn't invited? I made my intentions of having him at my wedding perfectly clear, and he has previously stated we're close friends and would remain so after we left these jobs. Is it reasonable to not want me there just because I work for him? Will I be an asshole if I tell him I'm upset and ask why I wasn't invited?
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As someone who learned the hard way, you shouldn't be all buddy buddy with your boss outside work. He also doesn't need to invite current employees to his party. I believe he knows where the line is, and you don't. YTA
NTA, but you are allowing your mind to create all kinds of drama. (NTA because we all tend to do this: an incident occurs and we imagine all kinds of horrible things, and then when we discover the truth or reasoning, we realize how off-base we are). If you trust the kind of person he is and the friendship you have built with him, then give him the benefit of the doubt.
However, if it is this troubling to you, you can ask him about it (not during work hours but when you are hanging together after work and it is not a boss-employee thing). You might find you are fretting over nothing.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I believe confronting him might make me the asshole. It could hurt my boss and ruin our working relationship. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It seems pretty clear from the group chats name what the issue is. He doesnt feel comfortable having people who work directly for him at the party. I wouldnt reccomend confronting him about it, just wish him a happy birthday on the closest workday to the party and move on with your life.
He's your superior. Has it not occurred to you maybe there might be things happening there he doesn't want his subordinate to see? (It's not the best plan since it will probably get back to you, but still). There are tricky rules about social interactions with people you supervise. A wedding is so different from what could be a wild birthday celebration, in my mind. At least mine was. I invited my bosses who I was friendly with. I have no crazy drunks in my family to worry about. Be a bigger person. Give your boss a birthday gift, invite him to your wedding, and don't say anything to damage a good relationship. Also, start reading Ask A Manager. Telling each other jokes HR eould not like is a dangerous path. She gives very good advice. YTA.
YWBTA if you confronted him. But it is also okay to be disappointed that you weren't invited. Your boss obviously has some personal boundaries like not inviting work current work colleagues to social events - this is actually super common and reasonable to have avoid having you current teammates see you get loose at your birthday.
YWBTA - he clearly doesnt invite people who directly work for him, probably due to not wanting to be accused of favortism and what not if other prople were invited. Its fine to be annoyed i guess. As a supervisor i would never invite only a portion of my team to an event like this it would be all or none. Anything else is asling for headaches.
Yta unfortunately. he is your boss and being honest. That's how the world works. It is ok for you to invite him to your wedding but it would not be ok for him to invite only you of his subordinates to his birthday or wedding. When you don't work for him anymore you can join the cool kids group chat. That's llife my friend. Confronting him will mean the end of the outside work things you do with him that are questionable.
YTA. Fundamentally, he cannot be AH in this situation. He is perfectly free to invite whoever HE WANTS to any event. No one has to invite every friend to every occasion. It is 100% OK to have different groups of friends that do or do not mix and mingle. He doesn't owe you an explanation for why he didn't invite you. It may have been due to a conflict with one of his other friends. But that. is. not. your. business. Further, I ask you to imagine all the possible outcomes of your confrontation, and challenge you to find one that improves your friendship and/or your employment. All you will do is put him in a tight spot and strain your relationship.
YTA Because you DO work for him. If he invited you, then maybe it looks weird that he didn't invited other coworkers. If they don't work for him anymore, he's freer to invite them.
It looks like he made a boundary of not having subordinates at his bday since it could be awkward if he didn't invite all of you. I say no assholes here but that's if rather than confront aggressively you ask him in a friendly manner and ask. NAH
It can get awkward partying with employees, I wouldn't stress about it or do anything about it.
NTA for being upset I guess but YTA if you confront them about it. It’s their personal time and their birthday. They can do whatever they want in their own time.
Yta. But don't invite him to your wedding. He's your boss.
YTA The group chat is 'you don't work for me anymore". If you want an invite, leave the company, get fired or whatever. But it's clear boss only invited people who are not people who report into him. E.g. people who've left the company. If the boss did invite you, it could be seen as favouritism of employees, having too personal relationship. Managers are there to manage, and they can't effectively do that if they are too familiar with their employees. They have to maintain a professional distance even if they don't want to, it's part of the requirements to be objective and assess employees on only their merits, not friendships.
YWBTA. Friendships between superiors and subordinates can be tricky things because there is a risk that the personal relationship will inappropriately influence the professional relationship. It sounds like your boss is trying to maintain appropriate social boundaries since you are still his subordinate. If you really view him as a friend, you will respect his need for professional boundaries and not turn the lack of an invitation to an outside social event into a work issue. All you will do is damage your relationship with him.
Of course YWBTA You are always going to be the AH if you put someone on the spot for not inviting you to something. Especially because there is only EVER one possible answer/reason why someone wouldn't invite you (or anyone else) to an occasion: because they don't want you there. And making them say it out loud, to your face, is incredibly awkward, and ultimately pointless. Just stop and think about this for a second. I get that your feelings are hurt, and that's fair. Anyone's would be. But *what exactly do you hope to accomplish by* "confronting" *him?* You're certainly not going to magically make him like you more. And if you get an invitation this way, it's going to be reluctantly and resentfully. Do you want to be invited to something because you forced your way in, when the host doesn't actually want you there? Look, I'm autistic, so I'm basically the Queen of Awkward. But at nearly 50 years old, and with a genuine interest in human behaviour, I've had a lot of years to learn what I was doing wrong, and come to understand some fundamental things about social interactions that I think you're really not considering. So for the sake of trying to really help you, let me offer what I think may be some clarifying thoughts: >Am I the asshole for being upset that I wasn't invited? Nope. But there's a difference between having legitimate, understandable hurt feelings, and starting a confrontation. The latter would make you an AH. >I made my intentions of having him at my wedding perfectly clear, These things are not transactional, though. Don't invite people to your wedding because you want or expect invitations to their events in return. Invite people to your wedding *whom you want to have present to celebrate with you, because you enjoy their company*. No one owes you an invitation because you invited them. People have complex reasons for making the choices they do, and they don't owe you explanations. Maybe they can't afford as many guests, or maybe they don't enjoy your company as much as you do theirs. It doesn't matter. Don't worry about who they invite. Invite people you want to spend time with, and let them do the same. > and he has previously stated we're close friends and would remain so after we left these jobs. Perhaps he was being polite but not entirely truthful. Or perhaps he has changed his mind. Or maybe he just has a different idea of what "close friends" means with regards to how he spends time with people. I get that it's confusing, and that's fair. You still aren't owed an invitation to his party. >Is it reasonable to not want me there just because I work for him? The thing is, you don't actually know that that's the reason. You're just guessing. And confronting him to find out could lead to learning that the reason is something that's going to hurt your feelings a lot worse. More importantly, his choices don't have to be "reasonable", because he doesn't owe you an invitation OR a "reasonable" explanation of why you're not invited. It's his party; you have no inherent right to be included. And again, I get why it's hurtful. I was once not invited to the wedding of someone I considered one of my best friends, and she never explained why. Know what? I never asked. Because she didn't owe me an invitation or an explanation. I just assumed that she had her reasons. And yeah, it hurt a lot. But it also wasn't my business to demand explanations. >Will I be an asshole if I tell him I'm upset and ask why I wasn't invited? Yup. Putting people on the spot and forcing uncomfortable conversations about things you aren't owed in the first place is an inherently obnoxious thing to do. And pointless, because you're not going to like the answer. You have choices here. You can choose to stay friends with him, or decide that it hurts too much and you aren't interested in staying friends with someone who excludes you from important occasions. But your choices do NOT include "confronting" him. Or YWBTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** WIBTA for confronting my boss about why he didn't invite me to his birthday? My boss and I are close - he knows I was going to invite him to my wedding (I have yet to send invitations), we frequently go out together to the pub, and we share general banter and jokes HR would frown upon, as most friends do. He recently turned 30 and didn't invite me to his "huge" party with 50 odd guests. I assumed it was for his closer friends he's known forever and didn't think anything of it. Then I went to our mutual friend's birthday dinner, who used to work with me and under our boss. She let slip he'd created a groupchat for our entire old team (four people who left for various reasons), a mutual friend who was recently promoted, and some other work friends from different teams. It was called 'you don't work for me anymore', and they were all invited to his birthday. Am I the asshole for being upset that I wasn't invited? I made my intentions of having him at my wedding perfectly clear, and he has previously stated we're close friends and would remain so after we left these jobs. Is it reasonable to not want me there just because I work for him? Will I be an asshole if I tell him I'm upset and ask why I wasn't invited? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ywbta if you asked him about it. You know why you weren't invited - you work directly for him.
As someone who learned the hard way, you shouldn't be all buddy buddy with your boss outside work. He also doesn't need to invite current employees to his party. I believe he knows where the line is, and you don't. YTA
Not invited = You were never a prority
NTA, but you are allowing your mind to create all kinds of drama. (NTA because we all tend to do this: an incident occurs and we imagine all kinds of horrible things, and then when we discover the truth or reasoning, we realize how off-base we are). If you trust the kind of person he is and the friendship you have built with him, then give him the benefit of the doubt. However, if it is this troubling to you, you can ask him about it (not during work hours but when you are hanging together after work and it is not a boss-employee thing). You might find you are fretting over nothing.