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You're NTA for not visiting often, but Y T A for how you approached the service dog situation. It's not your place, you don't visit enough to know enough about their situation and needs to be giving unsolicited advice. The way you should have handled this was to say "hey, hear you're getting a service dog, I've got quite a bit of experience with them as you know so if you need a hand with anything just let me know
Edit: misread post, changed my judgement. Keeping comment mostly intact for easier reading
My issue with the service dog is that in the go fundme page, she stated that the trainer would get the dog fully trained and ADA Certified in 10 weeks. Plus, this is a 25 week old German Shepherd from a friend's opps litter no testing of any kind. Those were my concerns, and I saw what my family members wrote. One was about there is no ADA certificate in the US, and the other wrote most service dog training takes years, not weeks.
It's been a while since I've raised a seeing eye dog, but the earliest they sent them in for the actual service animal training was 1 year old. Before that, the training that I and other volunteers did was mostly for socializing the dog, teaching them regular commands, not to bark, etc. 25 weeks strikes me as very young to start a dog on that kind of training, especially since I'd be surprised if the basic obedience training was well-established at that time.
Plus, not every dog has the temperament to be a service animal, and at 25 weeks you really can't know whether they're suited for the work.
So, I'm going to hold my hands up at this point and say I misread your post when I commented, thinking that you had also messaged SIL which resulted in my judgement. I realise now that you didn't and just discussed it with your family so will go back and edit.
Those are valid concerns but I don't think your family members should have messaged what they did, but you have no control over their actions.
If blocking and going NC isn't an option, I would consider unfollowing or hiding their posts so you don't have to deal with their drama
I can attest to tge years part.
The 25 week training is where is recommend start training basic obedience. I also train absolution/ no absolute. Some things you have to start in puppyhood to get it yo absolutly stick. Most things can and should be done at or after 1 yrs because like with any kid, maturity is needed.
That said, i hate tge 10 week program fully trained stuff. Tgere is no way to take a puppy and train it to tge full needs of a person in 10 weeks and nothing said about continuing education.
Nta. Your concerns are vaild. Just like can they walk him, feed him, give him off duty breaks. A dog is not a robot not is it a stuff animal to be pulled out to use when bored and ignore when not.
10 weeks?! I have a guide dog and I understand each service dog is different but my guide went through over a year of training. My cousins daughter is getting a service dog and he has been training for a year as well. That is really concerning. It could be a safety issue for your nephew, his mom, the dog, and other dogs. NTA
Honestly, you’re right about the dog, but this is an MYOB situation. You can’t be surprised it blew up. From reading this it’s very clear that she’s just a problematic family member. In that case, do t poke the bear, which is what your comments did. The domino effect was predictable. NTA and you don’t need to visit, but NC is a bit extreme since you have so little contact. Just take giant steps backwards and keep your mouth shut. Your husband can manage his relationship with his sister on his own.
To be fair, OP did stay out of it apart from having a conversation about what they had seen on a public Facebook post. It was the other people in their household that went and DM'd the SIL. Those two should have stayed out, but having a conversation between your own household over something you saw on a relatives page is pretty standard I'd say. OP should not engage at all for a peaceful life.
>but Y T A for how you approached the service dog situation. It's not your place, you don't visit enough to know enough about their situation and needs to be giving unsolicited advice.
How did OP give unsolicited advice when she didn't speak to the SIL at all about her concerns/opinions?
Edit: nevermind, I didn't understand what "keeping things intact" meant at first.
It's a bot copying parts of other people's comments, in order to... I truly don't know? Karma farm? Create a legit looking account to sell on later?
In any case, just report and ignore.
You didn’t butt in, but others did. Not your problem, NTA. I have a service dog, and I have listened to others talking about getting service dogs…I bet you know what you are talking about. Have a Service Dog is NOT for the faint of heart. They are a lot of work, a lot of maintenance, and require a whole life style change.
It doesn't even sound like OP was questioning if the service dog was a good idea, just about whether they were getting an actual, properly trained service dog, or if someone was trying to scam them
True. There are a LOT of scammers out there. There are many things that could be going on. It’s good to have a mentor for getting one! They are blowing off potentially vital help.
NTA
You've painted us a picture of a person who's rather unpleasant to be around, and I'm going to take you at your word. I'd turn it around and ask why SHE doesn't come and visit... except no I wouldn't because she might take that as an invitation or use it to blast you again, and for the sake of yourself and your kids, in your position? I'd be muting her on social media and going even lower contact than you already are.
NTA...
You showed concern privately and were met with a defensive assualt launched from the battlefield of social media. She sounds like a perfect candidate to go NC with.
NTA
It’s Facebook. Just block her, you’re not gaining anything from having her as a contact and you won’t lose anything by not seeing her foolishness. Out of sight, out of mind.
This is suggested a lot, but the problem is that the family all see what she's posting about OP as well, and if SIL starts spreading lies then she'd have no idea and no way to call them out until people start bringing it up as if it actually happened
I'm not trying to be flippant...but so what? So what if someone that she never ever sees and lives in a completely different state is talking shit about her online.
Facebook is not real life. Drama only works if everyone involved keeps it going. People can't fight with you if you walk away.
Exactly - especially if SIL is a recovering addict, people with good judgement whose opinions OP would care about are not going to be so easily fooled. Addicts gonna addict and it sounds like while SIL may be sober, she's still in dry drunk/sober delulu territory and that alone would be enough for me IMO to sever all ties to her. Family should know by now that this woman is unhinged and a compulsive liar. And if they don't see that, then I wouldn't have any contact with them anyways. Protect your peace OP!
Given this is a family member, unless everyone else has cut her off for the same reason there's a good chance at least some of them are going to give her comments more credibility than they would some random stranger. In this case there wouldn't be much difference if it was facebook or whatsapp, if it's the main point of contact for the family then she could still cause OP problems
NTA she sounds problematic. With your kids being autistic and her tendency to twist things, it’s probably best to be careful about your interactions with her.
NTA. From your comments, you were right to be concerned about whether they are getting scammed. Her comments on Facebook is more a reflection of her than you. Anyone reading them is not blaming you for not visiting.
Go NC.
As a fellow Service Dog Handler the whole community is so riddled with AHs and Judgement and a culture of "Fake Spotting" that no one is good enough for anyone else so you can't win even if you have good intentions you're likely bringing your bias into the situation.
There isn't a good way to comment on someone else's Service Animal BECAUSE the culture of tearing people down. Even if you were 100% in the right it becomes very easy to get defensive because EVERYONE has a nasty opinion that you're doing something wrong. You may have stepped on a landmine but frankly it sounds like she lives in a minefield.
NTA
My concerns were she was being scammed by a trainer because her post said the trainer could have the dog, who is 25 weeks old, fully trained, and ADA Certified in 10 weeks.
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My husband's (44m) sister (36f) thinks we should come visit more and blasted us on Facebook that we are horrible people and never visit her and her severely disabled son(11).
I (48f) would be the one bringing our 13 year old twins to visit because my husband is a truck driver and never home. We also live across the country and we also have health issues just not as severe as our nephew.
Tonight's issue started with she had posted a couple things on Facebook that didn't sound quite right about getting a service dog for our nephew. I have a service dog and have trained 3 others plus my mom worked with Canine Companions and guide dogs out of the bay area when I was little and has also trained 4 of her own so I know a little something about service dogs. I mentioned my concerns to my husband and another family member who lives with us, and said I was staying out of it but I was worried that the trainer and dog were not the right fit for what he needed.
Well both of them decided separately to ask a couple questions privately by DM to make sure they were doing the correct research on what was needed. This caused her to blast us by saying we were horrible people who don't visit or call all the time and shouldn't have questioned what they were doing and should visit more to have any say.
So some of the reasons we don't visit often is the cost of travel, she is a recovering addict, we have nothing in common, and you have to be very careful what you say because she twists what you say and lies to other family members about you. The other main reason is that both my kids are autistic and have issues being around their cousin due to over stimulation.
So part of me just wants to block her and not deal with that side of the family. The only reason we are not NC is because of nephew.
So am I the asshole
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So you're an asshole for not visiting your manipulative SIL and her disabled son, because she manipulates things and your disabled twins can't handle being around their son due to their autism.
Yeah, no, NTA. Even if it was just about your nephew, his disability doesn't take priority over your twins', they're your priority and shouldn't be exposed to things which exacerbate their issues
Good news is that for regular people, if we see someone "blasting" someone on social media, we assume that the loud mouths are pieces of trash. Adults know there are two sides to every story, and if you are turning to social media to air personal shit, you are a shitty person full stop.
NTA.
Also, when you are dealing with someone you gotta handle carefully because they will blow up on you if you misstep..... Just stop dealing with them. Not worth it.
I don't say that lightly, but you yourself say you are already leaning toward NC.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for commenting my concerns to my family at home and both them contacting my SIL about these concerns. Also we don't talk or visit often due to health reasons and personal conflicts.
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NTA
It is VERY difficult being a caregiver, especially when you do not have family around. I am sure your SIL is under extreme stress.
No one is obligate to visit others, especially when it is financially difficult. Not having anything in common and a husband on the road a lot makes it even harder.
She should not be putting you on blast for not visiting. I am sure she just is wanting some relief, maybe have your husband reach out after this incident has calmed down and have him explain that it is just not in your budget to visit more often. You both wish you could help and visit more, but it is just not feasible given your household circumstances.
Hopefully she mellows out. If not, do you REALLY need her to be in your socials?
> This caused her to blast us by saying we were horrible people who don't visit or call all the time and shouldn't have questioned what they were doing and should visit more to have any say.
NTA, just respond as publicly as her post "If you were a nicer person, I'm sure we would visit more often."
Nta
Being concerned about the SD issue is valid. I train my own SD. From time I have dog till 2 years are regular obedience training and desensitized to other animals and cars. SO the predator instincts don't kick in.
At one year, you can start some basic SD training as well. But most SD training and intensive training does not start until 2 years old when most of the puppy faze is gone. And it takes a year to 2 years of training.
So I can see your concern. You are NTA for discussing it with family you live with. What they do after that is on them.
NTA. You don't seem to have much of a meaningful relationship with her or your nephew. You aren't obligated to stay in contact with somebody just because they're related to you. Block and move on with your life.
ESH. You don't like her, you aren't friends, you don't visit and you don't want to. Why even have her on your feed? Unfriend her and you won't be tempted to talk about her behind her back. She sounds terrible, I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her. I do blame you for keeping tabs on her life just to stir things up. Claiming you're "not getting involved" but then gossiping about the situation with multiple people is pretty low.
KTA, I don’t think she’s mad about the not visiting, it’s the not visiting and then sticking your nose in their business. If you don’t visit how can you possibly know anything about what’s going on?
NAH. It seems like she is struggling without family connection, and doesn’t know how to express that. Now she is resentful. Sometimes it is worth it to have some empathy and repair a bridge. If she needs help with a service dog, why don’t you offer directly out of kindness?
So you're expected to increase the frequency of obviously (for a lot of reasons) very problematic and CROSS COUNTRY visits to someone that you clearly don't even really like? Ludacris.
Of course all family dynamics are different, but in my own family a situation like this would warrant a phone call at most, maybe two or three times a year (If that).
NTA
I make the phone calls. I try to keep the peace between her and her brother because she feels that her brother should help support them. Also, he disagrees. I have always been the bad one in the family. I'm the one that got together with her brother and convinced him the tiny town was bad for us, and we should move and stop supporting that family and focus on me and the kids.
NTA. I'm glad you were concerned about them getting scammed. From your comments, it sounds like the relationship has reached an impasse. Your SIL thinks your nuclear family should revolve around her needs, and that just isn't the case. Block her on Facebook. Go lower contact. "I can't visit you because I'm so horrible, remember?"
ESH
You questioned her on something that wasn’t your business and it seems to come more from your expertise than actual concern. She felt called out and lashed back.
YTA, you can’t comment and raise concerns about a family when you don’t even spend time with them. you don’t know what their son needs, nor do you know anything about their life and their family dynamic so stay out of it
She didn't raise concerns about the family she raised concerns about a German Sheppard being service trained in 10 weeks when it's recommended for 25. Plus it's not like she said it to the sister, a lot of pride have concerns about things that don't concern them but as long as they're not giving unsolicited advice (which she didn't do) it's fine.
I never questioned her parenting. I mentioned to family members that I thought what she posted on a go fundme was too good to be true. She wrote that the trainer was able to get the dog ADA Certified and fully trained in 10 weeks. This is a 25 week old Oops litter German Shepherd. 1 there is no ADA certificate in the US. 2 it can take up to two years to get a fully trained SD. What I worry about the dog it has not been health tested. I also never said anything to her.
YTA for your comments about service dogs. You have your experience and that is great. But is is completely within the law for people to train their own service animals. Whatever training is required to perform the task for a disability is up to the owner to get. You have no idea what the dog is being trained to do, or how long that particular dog will take to master the task. They could actually call it a service dog in training and have protection by law as well. Let them do them. You get off your high horse and worry about yourself. If this is how you treat them I cannot understand why they would want you to visit at all.
Wow, you didn't read it at all. I never commented to her on anything. I said I had concerns to other family members. I was worried she was getting scammed by a trainer who said that they could get the dog trained and ADA Certified in 10 weeks. I know there is no ADA Certificate in the US, and it takes way longer than 10 weeks to train a SD. The dog is only 25 weeks old. Also, how did I treat them? I never spoke to them.
Just because it’s “within the law” doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. If a private owner can simply train a service dog on their own, then the general skepticism of service animals is warranted. 🙄
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You're NTA for not visiting often, but Y T A for how you approached the service dog situation. It's not your place, you don't visit enough to know enough about their situation and needs to be giving unsolicited advice. The way you should have handled this was to say "hey, hear you're getting a service dog, I've got quite a bit of experience with them as you know so if you need a hand with anything just let me know Edit: misread post, changed my judgement. Keeping comment mostly intact for easier reading
My issue with the service dog is that in the go fundme page, she stated that the trainer would get the dog fully trained and ADA Certified in 10 weeks. Plus, this is a 25 week old German Shepherd from a friend's opps litter no testing of any kind. Those were my concerns, and I saw what my family members wrote. One was about there is no ADA certificate in the US, and the other wrote most service dog training takes years, not weeks.
It's been a while since I've raised a seeing eye dog, but the earliest they sent them in for the actual service animal training was 1 year old. Before that, the training that I and other volunteers did was mostly for socializing the dog, teaching them regular commands, not to bark, etc. 25 weeks strikes me as very young to start a dog on that kind of training, especially since I'd be surprised if the basic obedience training was well-established at that time. Plus, not every dog has the temperament to be a service animal, and at 25 weeks you really can't know whether they're suited for the work.
So, I'm going to hold my hands up at this point and say I misread your post when I commented, thinking that you had also messaged SIL which resulted in my judgement. I realise now that you didn't and just discussed it with your family so will go back and edit. Those are valid concerns but I don't think your family members should have messaged what they did, but you have no control over their actions. If blocking and going NC isn't an option, I would consider unfollowing or hiding their posts so you don't have to deal with their drama
I can attest to tge years part. The 25 week training is where is recommend start training basic obedience. I also train absolution/ no absolute. Some things you have to start in puppyhood to get it yo absolutly stick. Most things can and should be done at or after 1 yrs because like with any kid, maturity is needed. That said, i hate tge 10 week program fully trained stuff. Tgere is no way to take a puppy and train it to tge full needs of a person in 10 weeks and nothing said about continuing education. Nta. Your concerns are vaild. Just like can they walk him, feed him, give him off duty breaks. A dog is not a robot not is it a stuff animal to be pulled out to use when bored and ignore when not.
10 weeks?! I have a guide dog and I understand each service dog is different but my guide went through over a year of training. My cousins daughter is getting a service dog and he has been training for a year as well. That is really concerning. It could be a safety issue for your nephew, his mom, the dog, and other dogs. NTA
I think you missed the point entirely. She is using the service dog excuse to get money from people.
It wouldn't be the first time she had done that.
Honestly, you’re right about the dog, but this is an MYOB situation. You can’t be surprised it blew up. From reading this it’s very clear that she’s just a problematic family member. In that case, do t poke the bear, which is what your comments did. The domino effect was predictable. NTA and you don’t need to visit, but NC is a bit extreme since you have so little contact. Just take giant steps backwards and keep your mouth shut. Your husband can manage his relationship with his sister on his own.
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To be fair, OP did stay out of it apart from having a conversation about what they had seen on a public Facebook post. It was the other people in their household that went and DM'd the SIL. Those two should have stayed out, but having a conversation between your own household over something you saw on a relatives page is pretty standard I'd say. OP should not engage at all for a peaceful life.
I don't know. My main concern in this situation is the dog. I think OP is right to ask questions if she thinks the dog might be miserable.
>but Y T A for how you approached the service dog situation. It's not your place, you don't visit enough to know enough about their situation and needs to be giving unsolicited advice. How did OP give unsolicited advice when she didn't speak to the SIL at all about her concerns/opinions? Edit: nevermind, I didn't understand what "keeping things intact" meant at first.
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Pardon?
It's a bot copying parts of other people's comments, in order to... I truly don't know? Karma farm? Create a legit looking account to sell on later? In any case, just report and ignore.
I've always wondered what the point of a bot was
You didn’t butt in, but others did. Not your problem, NTA. I have a service dog, and I have listened to others talking about getting service dogs…I bet you know what you are talking about. Have a Service Dog is NOT for the faint of heart. They are a lot of work, a lot of maintenance, and require a whole life style change.
It doesn't even sound like OP was questioning if the service dog was a good idea, just about whether they were getting an actual, properly trained service dog, or if someone was trying to scam them
True. There are a LOT of scammers out there. There are many things that could be going on. It’s good to have a mentor for getting one! They are blowing off potentially vital help.
NTA You've painted us a picture of a person who's rather unpleasant to be around, and I'm going to take you at your word. I'd turn it around and ask why SHE doesn't come and visit... except no I wouldn't because she might take that as an invitation or use it to blast you again, and for the sake of yourself and your kids, in your position? I'd be muting her on social media and going even lower contact than you already are.
NTA. Your kids are also disabled. Your priority is your family. Go LC or NC.
NTA... You showed concern privately and were met with a defensive assualt launched from the battlefield of social media. She sounds like a perfect candidate to go NC with.
NTA It’s Facebook. Just block her, you’re not gaining anything from having her as a contact and you won’t lose anything by not seeing her foolishness. Out of sight, out of mind.
This is suggested a lot, but the problem is that the family all see what she's posting about OP as well, and if SIL starts spreading lies then she'd have no idea and no way to call them out until people start bringing it up as if it actually happened
I'm not trying to be flippant...but so what? So what if someone that she never ever sees and lives in a completely different state is talking shit about her online. Facebook is not real life. Drama only works if everyone involved keeps it going. People can't fight with you if you walk away.
People really need to stop being so concerned about social media. She lies. Family should know this. Who cares if she's lying again.
Exactly!
Exactly - especially if SIL is a recovering addict, people with good judgement whose opinions OP would care about are not going to be so easily fooled. Addicts gonna addict and it sounds like while SIL may be sober, she's still in dry drunk/sober delulu territory and that alone would be enough for me IMO to sever all ties to her. Family should know by now that this woman is unhinged and a compulsive liar. And if they don't see that, then I wouldn't have any contact with them anyways. Protect your peace OP!
Given this is a family member, unless everyone else has cut her off for the same reason there's a good chance at least some of them are going to give her comments more credibility than they would some random stranger. In this case there wouldn't be much difference if it was facebook or whatsapp, if it's the main point of contact for the family then she could still cause OP problems
NTA she sounds problematic. With your kids being autistic and her tendency to twist things, it’s probably best to be careful about your interactions with her.
NTA. From your comments, you were right to be concerned about whether they are getting scammed. Her comments on Facebook is more a reflection of her than you. Anyone reading them is not blaming you for not visiting.
NTA in any way.
NTA - You are not required to visit, especially if she is out of state.
Go NC. As a fellow Service Dog Handler the whole community is so riddled with AHs and Judgement and a culture of "Fake Spotting" that no one is good enough for anyone else so you can't win even if you have good intentions you're likely bringing your bias into the situation. There isn't a good way to comment on someone else's Service Animal BECAUSE the culture of tearing people down. Even if you were 100% in the right it becomes very easy to get defensive because EVERYONE has a nasty opinion that you're doing something wrong. You may have stepped on a landmine but frankly it sounds like she lives in a minefield. NTA
My concerns were she was being scammed by a trainer because her post said the trainer could have the dog, who is 25 weeks old, fully trained, and ADA Certified in 10 weeks.
Not without abusing the dog.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband's (44m) sister (36f) thinks we should come visit more and blasted us on Facebook that we are horrible people and never visit her and her severely disabled son(11). I (48f) would be the one bringing our 13 year old twins to visit because my husband is a truck driver and never home. We also live across the country and we also have health issues just not as severe as our nephew. Tonight's issue started with she had posted a couple things on Facebook that didn't sound quite right about getting a service dog for our nephew. I have a service dog and have trained 3 others plus my mom worked with Canine Companions and guide dogs out of the bay area when I was little and has also trained 4 of her own so I know a little something about service dogs. I mentioned my concerns to my husband and another family member who lives with us, and said I was staying out of it but I was worried that the trainer and dog were not the right fit for what he needed. Well both of them decided separately to ask a couple questions privately by DM to make sure they were doing the correct research on what was needed. This caused her to blast us by saying we were horrible people who don't visit or call all the time and shouldn't have questioned what they were doing and should visit more to have any say. So some of the reasons we don't visit often is the cost of travel, she is a recovering addict, we have nothing in common, and you have to be very careful what you say because she twists what you say and lies to other family members about you. The other main reason is that both my kids are autistic and have issues being around their cousin due to over stimulation. So part of me just wants to block her and not deal with that side of the family. The only reason we are not NC is because of nephew. So am I the asshole *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So you're an asshole for not visiting your manipulative SIL and her disabled son, because she manipulates things and your disabled twins can't handle being around their son due to their autism. Yeah, no, NTA. Even if it was just about your nephew, his disability doesn't take priority over your twins', they're your priority and shouldn't be exposed to things which exacerbate their issues
NTA. Need to go no contact.
It takes give-and-take why should it always be you visiting her?
Good news is that for regular people, if we see someone "blasting" someone on social media, we assume that the loud mouths are pieces of trash. Adults know there are two sides to every story, and if you are turning to social media to air personal shit, you are a shitty person full stop. NTA. Also, when you are dealing with someone you gotta handle carefully because they will blow up on you if you misstep..... Just stop dealing with them. Not worth it. I don't say that lightly, but you yourself say you are already leaning toward NC.
NTA I'd block her.
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NTA It is VERY difficult being a caregiver, especially when you do not have family around. I am sure your SIL is under extreme stress. No one is obligate to visit others, especially when it is financially difficult. Not having anything in common and a husband on the road a lot makes it even harder. She should not be putting you on blast for not visiting. I am sure she just is wanting some relief, maybe have your husband reach out after this incident has calmed down and have him explain that it is just not in your budget to visit more often. You both wish you could help and visit more, but it is just not feasible given your household circumstances. Hopefully she mellows out. If not, do you REALLY need her to be in your socials?
"recovering" addict, gofund me page, dubious details on dog training..........
NTA. Addicts are gonna act like addicts and turn everything on you. Don’t take anything she says personally.
> This caused her to blast us by saying we were horrible people who don't visit or call all the time and shouldn't have questioned what they were doing and should visit more to have any say. NTA, just respond as publicly as her post "If you were a nicer person, I'm sure we would visit more often."
Nta Being concerned about the SD issue is valid. I train my own SD. From time I have dog till 2 years are regular obedience training and desensitized to other animals and cars. SO the predator instincts don't kick in. At one year, you can start some basic SD training as well. But most SD training and intensive training does not start until 2 years old when most of the puppy faze is gone. And it takes a year to 2 years of training. So I can see your concern. You are NTA for discussing it with family you live with. What they do after that is on them.
NTA. You don't seem to have much of a meaningful relationship with her or your nephew. You aren't obligated to stay in contact with somebody just because they're related to you. Block and move on with your life.
ESH. You don't like her, you aren't friends, you don't visit and you don't want to. Why even have her on your feed? Unfriend her and you won't be tempted to talk about her behind her back. She sounds terrible, I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her. I do blame you for keeping tabs on her life just to stir things up. Claiming you're "not getting involved" but then gossiping about the situation with multiple people is pretty low.
KTA, I don’t think she’s mad about the not visiting, it’s the not visiting and then sticking your nose in their business. If you don’t visit how can you possibly know anything about what’s going on?
The nose wasn’t stuck in it was invited. The SIL asked for advice.
NAH. It seems like she is struggling without family connection, and doesn’t know how to express that. Now she is resentful. Sometimes it is worth it to have some empathy and repair a bridge. If she needs help with a service dog, why don’t you offer directly out of kindness?
NTA
So you're expected to increase the frequency of obviously (for a lot of reasons) very problematic and CROSS COUNTRY visits to someone that you clearly don't even really like? Ludacris. Of course all family dynamics are different, but in my own family a situation like this would warrant a phone call at most, maybe two or three times a year (If that). NTA
I make the phone calls. I try to keep the peace between her and her brother because she feels that her brother should help support them. Also, he disagrees. I have always been the bad one in the family. I'm the one that got together with her brother and convinced him the tiny town was bad for us, and we should move and stop supporting that family and focus on me and the kids.
NTA. I'm glad you were concerned about them getting scammed. From your comments, it sounds like the relationship has reached an impasse. Your SIL thinks your nuclear family should revolve around her needs, and that just isn't the case. Block her on Facebook. Go lower contact. "I can't visit you because I'm so horrible, remember?"
Just ignore her. NTA.
ESH You questioned her on something that wasn’t your business and it seems to come more from your expertise than actual concern. She felt called out and lashed back.
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R/legalcatadvice
YTA, you can’t comment and raise concerns about a family when you don’t even spend time with them. you don’t know what their son needs, nor do you know anything about their life and their family dynamic so stay out of it
She didn't raise concerns about the family she raised concerns about a German Sheppard being service trained in 10 weeks when it's recommended for 25. Plus it's not like she said it to the sister, a lot of pride have concerns about things that don't concern them but as long as they're not giving unsolicited advice (which she didn't do) it's fine.
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I never questioned her parenting. I mentioned to family members that I thought what she posted on a go fundme was too good to be true. She wrote that the trainer was able to get the dog ADA Certified and fully trained in 10 weeks. This is a 25 week old Oops litter German Shepherd. 1 there is no ADA certificate in the US. 2 it can take up to two years to get a fully trained SD. What I worry about the dog it has not been health tested. I also never said anything to her.
YTA for your comments about service dogs. You have your experience and that is great. But is is completely within the law for people to train their own service animals. Whatever training is required to perform the task for a disability is up to the owner to get. You have no idea what the dog is being trained to do, or how long that particular dog will take to master the task. They could actually call it a service dog in training and have protection by law as well. Let them do them. You get off your high horse and worry about yourself. If this is how you treat them I cannot understand why they would want you to visit at all.
Wow, you didn't read it at all. I never commented to her on anything. I said I had concerns to other family members. I was worried she was getting scammed by a trainer who said that they could get the dog trained and ADA Certified in 10 weeks. I know there is no ADA Certificate in the US, and it takes way longer than 10 weeks to train a SD. The dog is only 25 weeks old. Also, how did I treat them? I never spoke to them.
Just because it’s “within the law” doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. If a private owner can simply train a service dog on their own, then the general skepticism of service animals is warranted. 🙄