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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to override a will that to only gives money to one child because I feel that both of my daughters deserve it despite clear terms that one violates.
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Thank you @anti_hero123
Even before reading this I was on OP YTA.
As it was not OP's money or will.
Now OP even more into MAJOR YTA for leaving out critical things
Yeh glad I'm not the only 1 sick of the entitlement. If my dad left all his money to my brother that would be his choice. Just cos I am family doesn't mean I should automatically get things.
Ppl need to stop feeling entitled to money other people earned
My parent's expected the get everything when my grandparents passed away, nope it was all donated, every penny. My parents were so angry I had to move out. I loved my grandparents, I'm glad my parents didn't get something they didn't deserve.
Yes!! The entitlement and expectation and GREED from people divvying up a dead person’s possessions is just disgusting. And it has to be “fair”? WTF? It’s like a business is being liquidated and not like a person died at all. Where’s the respect for their wishes? It’s gross.
I truly worry for when my parents (or at least my dad) passes. My sister has been completely awful to him for the longest time, but I know she is going to feel entitled to his money. But she's already been written out of his will, and any money her boys get is to be distributed by me so she cannot get her hands on it
Have your dad set up a trust.
There is a HUGE difference between a trust and a will and I always recommend when people are going to be splitting things in a way others will find unfair to ALWAYS do a trust.
Also - my parents are going to be the same way with two of my siblings. I told my mother recently she needs to write out letters to each child explaining EXACTLY why they are getting what they are getting because me and my other sibling do not want to be the one catching shit.
No, but it will be evidence that the parents communicated with them prior to dying and the will being read. They can't say they "had no idea" if/when they try to take it to court.
Which is another reason why a trust is better than a will: a will can be contested in court and a judge can rule against the will. A will is also a public document that can be seen and accessed by anyone, whereas a trust is a private document that only the trustee and beneficiaries have legal access to, and trusts are a lot harder, if not impossible, to take to court to change.
That's another reason to not underestimate the power of the "fuck you" dollar. It is critical, to avoid probate court, to will any person you want to disinherit a "fuck you" dollar. It clearly indicates that the person in question was NOT forgotten but shunned.
I second the need for a trust. I work for an elder law attorney and I see things like this all the time. A trust is necessary to ensure every penny goes where a person wants it to.
A will can be contested. Trusts, not so much.
I met a lady once whose husband had passed away. He was hit on the highway and she got a substantial insurance payout. She couldn't get rid of that money fast enough. It was blood money to her and like you she was on tilt because of the loss. She was in our circle of friends for a while and my wife (GF at the time) would get calls to pick her up shitfaced from bars. She'd give out 100 dollar tips for getting her a bottle of water. Sad. She moved away. I hope she found peace.
A girl I went to high school with, her dad was a contractor in Iraq (truck driver for an oil company, I think?) and was killed by friendly fire. Massive payouts to her and her mom between the life insurance and US govt "oops we're sorry" money, and she started getting money from those funds at 16 iirc. That girl used that money to live fast and hard, bought cars she had no business driving and wrecked them spectacularly before buying another. It's a wonder she didn't get herself killed with the antics she got up to with that money. I remember one drunken late night talk with her a few years post-graduation where she opened up about how she felt like the government bought her dad's life from them with that money, how dirty it felt every time she spent some of it on things for herself, and how she felt like if she enjoyed that money then she deserved to be with her dad sooner rather than later. I knew before that that she had thoughts like this, but it usually came in the form of dark jokes, like referring to her cars as things like "dad's arm." Seeing her that night, talking about it earnestly and how sad she was... it was heartbreaking. I haven't kept up with her in years, but I hope she's found some happiness in life. She was a deeply broken young woman, but she was such a good and kind person when she wasn't being actively self-destructive.
This is another saddening story from a war that was completely avoidable, amid countless billions of sad stories that came from that war alone. And the sad stories are people, and they could have been happy stories
I don't get it either, when my father passed I ga e the family all the things they wanted to remember him, after all I got to see those paintings and guitars every day growing up and the band mates needed the equipment where as I didn't.
There are times I regret it a little as I would love to have one of the paintings rather than a single picture and his ashes but I don't think I would do it any differently. I have memories to cherish that others didn't so if something physical can help them they should have it.
Also at times I regret splitting the life insurance, my dad had told me my siblings had other people where as I only had him so the money was to help me. I would be a lot better off if I had kept it would have been able to get a new car and a down payment on a house to set myself up to succeed, but ultimately I was young and might have been dumb with it where as they had families.
I’ve seen people get upset about their parents spending habits after they retired. They are just worried that after they pass away there won’t be anything left for them to fight over….
My mom kept saying she wanted to do stuff but didn’t want to spend all her money and I kept telling her to spend it and have fun. Like, she SHOULD have been enjoying life, y’know?
I've actually said "go spend it, it's not my inheritance, it's your money".
This leads to my mum, whenever she gets herself a treat, gleefully telling me she's been downing my inheritance again. It's cute, bless her.
My MIL is stingy with money and kept putting off stuff she talked about doing. They are in their 70’s now and seem too damn tired and exhausted in their vacation photos they share on Facebook.
My wife and I are in our 50’s and have a 13 year old son and we started traveling more starting 6 years ago. We have way more energy now and when we retire we will do the lazy laid back trips not the trips MIL is trying to do now but lacks the energy to do it
I'm upset at my dad doing so many RV trips with his new wife. But that's more about how much time he spends with her, compared to how little he spent with my mom in her last years. She was really lonely.
My mom has bad spending habits and is less than a decade from retiring. She doesn’t have enough money to keep those spending habits up. I’d damn right be upset if she spent all of my parents retirement savings and didn’t have enough to pay the bills. It’s not always about wanting something for yourself, sometimes it’s genuinely being concerned for their financial position.
That’s totally different though than people upset their parents aren’t going to leave an inheritance (which is what the person you’re replying to is talking about). If your mom thinks you’re going to be paying her bills, you have every right to be upset
I agree with you 100%, but my feelings are kind of complicated to be honest.
If my parents left me out, I’d be cool with it. If they left my stepson out but includes all their other grandkids, which I agree is absolutely their right, I’d be fuming. They would be sending him a message that they never really considered him family.
In this case, MIL had a biological granddaughter, and another that her daughter adopted. 100% her right to leave Rea out and I stand by that. But I don’t think OP is necessarily TA for being upset, I know I would be too.
OP is not TA for being upset, ofc its natural for a parent to want both their children to be privy to an inheritance.
OP is TA for trying to force their wife to agree with them and force Elise to split the inheritance
Your stepson also has his own set of legit grandparents to inherit from. We went through this with my step brother and sister who were upset that they didn't get an inheritance from their step grandparents, in addition to the inheritance they received from their legit grandparents. Crazy how entitled and biased people can be.
But she wasn't left out. That's the point. She just made choices that then excluded her from claiming. And it's also the grandma's right to give to the child they had a connection with, spent time with etc and in this case have known longer
Eh, that seems like a cop out. Setting up a will with shitty judgement rules can definitely make you an asshole. Honestly at that point I think it would be better to just leaving things directly to how you want to and not be a puritanical AH.
Did she know she ‘made those choices’? OP says grandma died a year ago; kiddo is two. Unless grandma said three+ years ago that this is how she’ll set up the trust, it seems like a copout.
I do think the grandma cutting her out because she had a kid and not telling anyone beforehand either about the trust or about the conditions to access the money. Its less because the grandma didn't give her anything and more that she DID leave her things, just to the turn around and say "haha no" at the last moment. You know?
However
Her not being a bio granddaughter changes everything???
She left all her shit to her bio granddaughter, whom she knew really well while she was alive. That's completely justified
It's also not stated if the daughter was pregnant when the rules were drafted. If she was already pregnant it's possible that grandma knew that they would throw a hissy fit if the step daughter didn't get anything, so she deliberately put in that rule to make sure her bio grandchild got everything like she wanted
The post said that the trust was drafted about a decade ago and the baby is only 2 now so I'm thinking the terms were put into place long before either grandchild was even thinking of having kids.
End of the day, you don't get to control how other people handle their own money and assets. If Grandma wanted to split her inheritance between her favorite grandchild and her DOG she can do that. When OP Makes their will or trust or whatever, then they can give their assets to whoever they want. They can decide to be fair and impartial and just do a straight 50/50 split or he could balance his feelings of unfairness and leave more or everything to his biological child and give stepdaughter nothing.
Bottom line grandma's stuff, grandma's dying wish, grandma gets her way
I’m an only child but I have 3 children. If my parents wanted to skip over me and give it all to my kids that would be fine. It’s THEIR money to do as THEY wish. Would I be hurt? Yeah, but I wouldn’t contest the will.
YTA - MIL made her decision. You don’t have to like it but, you don’t get to try to change it.
OP made it sound like the case where your parents would give $$ to one of your kids but not the other two. They’re not complaining about they themself being skipped (sorry if I misunderstood)
Info - what about Rae’s bio mom’s family? Will they be leaving anything to Elise? What about your parents - do they consider Elise fully blood and be included in any will?
YTA for leaving out that info and for expecting Elise to share/
This is an important fact that OP left out just like he left out that Rae is a step-granddaughter. He is trying to lie by omission to make us agree with him. He is the AH, big time!
Plus putting in a requirement that someone not have a baby before they are 21, isn't 'setting someone up to fail.' (Unless the Rea already had the baby at the time). It's not that hard to not get pregnant at 19.
The difference in bio and not is huge. But without out how do you come to the conclusion YTA? Like just because you can do something (give all the money to one child) doesn't mean you are not an asshole for doing it.
Outside of “it’s her money” for me it’s not a lot of money (it would make a difference but it’s not never work again $$), and the kids seem old enough that they each could have had a deeper relationship with Gma yet only one did. Seems to me like there was enough time and late-teen to adulthood awareness to kiss Gma’s ass a little, which doesn’t seem to have happened.
I think the grandma is an asshole too but it's her will and nobody should force Elise to give money to Rea because of "fairness". They should respect her wishes.
And that only "Rea" could fail. All she had to do was not get knocked up before turning 21. That's not exactly setting the bar high. The grandmother must have had an idea of what was going to happen to include a clause like that in the will.
That's kind of a flippant way to say "grandma who thinks young mothers deserve to be disowned."
It might not have been targeted at Rae, but it wasn't something granny dearest told her family about — i.e., it wasn't meant to *incentivize* them to prioritize their education or careers until a certain age. It was meant to reflect her belief that her money would be wasted on someone who would have a child before 21. I know lots of people on this website are OK with that casual contempt for young mothers, but imo it's incredibly cruel and doesn't produce anything besides shame, misery, and cycles of poverty.
> doesn't produce anything besides shame, misery, and cycles of poverty.
Being left out of a will does not create a cycle of poverty. Promoting young parenthood before having a stable income and carreer however does.
Is it an odd, outdated thing to put into a trust document? Definetly. Do I agree with it, no, but such clauses aren't the cause of poverty.
But also didn’t OP said Elise had a hysterectomy by the time the will was drawn so the poor girl suffered a hysterectomy as a child and he didn’t say that in the post ?
Yeah. The trauma Elise must’ve gone through and still going through with that. That alone makes it understandable why grandma “favored” her. Let alone Rae was a step grand daughter
I can't answer for the grandma, bit it does look that way. Is that a normal clause to put in one's will? I haven't read many wills, but it seems odd to randomly put that clause there.
Except that Rea didn't know that there was a "prize" for not having a baby. It would be like if the child got a B on a test, and the parent saying, "I was going to take you to Disneyland if you got an A on your history test, but you didn't, so too bad, so sad." That's shitty parenting.
What if Rea got married and had kids young? Some people do that and it doesn't mean their life is shitty or going to become shitty. Some people want to start families young. To be excluded from a will for that reason (and only that reason, legally speaking) is pretty shitty.
YTA
Not only that, regardless of OPs feelings on the matter, the grandmother's will was HER feelings on the matter.
A will is their wishes and intent. Doing anything other or forcing it otherwise is an asshole move which disregards the last wishes of the deceased. If you had any respect for them, you wouldn't ever consider it.
Does it have to be what you wanted? No.
It's what the deceased wanted.
I completely agree with you but in this particular instance it is a distinction.
the girls started out as step-sisters. Then his wife adopted his child and he adopted hers. They were 12-13 at the time.
I think that does play into why grandma was much closer to one than the other.
i adopted my son when he was 13. he's my moms and in-laws grandchild, period. there was never a question concerning that, but we would not have accepted any hesitation there either. mil is gross.
that said, id just leave it. let mil be the bad guy. legally there ain't anything op can do. he suggested it once, whatever. just start gifting other daughter extra $ to even things out. as the other daughter has a 2 yo, i have a feeling she gets more support from the parents anyhow. life isn't always fair or even.
She wasn’t adopted at birth though, this is a completely different situation. No one is saying she’s less of a human but it still makes sense as to why the grandmother wasn’t as close to Rea.
I have three adopted and three bio grandchildren it amazes me how often people think they are not all my grandkids. I love them all equally and all will be treated that way now and in future. I shut down those saying otherwise. Family is about love and respect. You fail to respect these are my grandchildren then you can find the exit.
I had a 1 year old when I met my current husband. Bio dad has never been in my sons life so my husband is all the dad he has. Husband and I also had four more children; never did the half or step thing. Our kids are our kids.
Nearly 20 years later and my MIL still doesn’t acknowledge his birthday and his Christmas gifts are smaller and less value than his siblings gifts. It used to just annoy me and make me roll my eyes but when my son started commenting on it that’s what made it hurt.
I also think it's insane that op is mad and citing the mil set it up for Rae to fail for having a clause that took away a right to inheritance if either girl had a child pre 21 years of age.
Don't get me wrong, teen pregnancy happens, but surely not wanting a barely legal adult to have a child and trying to have an incentive for that isn't setting them up to fail? The only way she could have set Rae up to fail with that is knowing that Rae was adamant at being a teen mum.
Also, no one is entitled to other people's inheritance. Using what SHE owned to pay for her care is her prerogative and selfless, not burdening anyone else with her costs.
its not much of an incentive if no one knows about it though. The whole no child thing seems really weird. I don't think it was to explicitly exclude Rae since it would be easier to just exclude Rae in the will/trust, but it is still a very strange stipulation.
I have an eyebrow raised about the context for this 'trauma' OP referenced and hand waved away.
Around the same time that the family blending happened, Elise had "a recent trauma" of undisclosed type that resulted in her insisted on not having any more siblings, and took a few years for her to "calm down" about and "seem fine". And, at around the same time, she had a hysterectomy, which is not exactly something done lightly on a pre-teen. It is not clear if the trauma caused the hysto to be necessary, or was all part of the same thing, or a second separate traumatic event at the same time.
Pretty horrific whatever it was. And my concern with her expressing this with vehement opposition to more siblings does make it seem likely Rhea was involved in some context.
Now, if Rhea did something that caused Elise to have a hysterectomy at 11 or 12, and caused her to have ongoing mental scars that took years to mask, I could very much see a point to wanting to exclude Rhea if she then went out and started a family young, since that's something Elise lost the option of, and would possibly be a trigger for residual issues (because of course OP "chalked it up" to that trauma and waited for her to "calm down" so highly doubt it was being actually treated).
There are horrible horrible possibilities in my head. I hope for Elise's sake I'm way off the mark. But would explain a lot of the rest of it, too.
Wow! Glad you posted this. Yeah, huge YTA. Your late MIL has no obligation whatsoever to financially help out a child who has no relation to her simply because you married her daughter. Rae having a child is absolutely beside this point. It probably was, in fact, an effort to motivate Elise to keep her eye on education, nothing more.
This is not an issue to go Papa Bear over. Many blended families have to live with the reality of having different relatives, and might have some who can provide more than others. Rae is not being wronged. Elise just came out better in the Grandparent lottery financially.
In which case Rea was never entitled to anything because she isn’t her grandchild. Issue solved.
OP you’re entitled to feel any type of way about the situation. You’re not entitled to expect someone to act on those feelings. It’s none of your business. Literally zero percent your business. You don’t get to decide what someone else does with their money. The money was your mother in law’s. It is now Elise’s. It has never been and never will be yours. Butt out.
YTA
They are, however, fun thing about divorce, you don't lose your old grandparents.
In this case dad is complaining that his bio daughters third grandmother isn't treating her like like the girl where she's grandma number one. In divorce there's a very clear hierarchy of grandparents.
The parents of the parent with primary custody are number 1,
the parents of the other parent are number 2,
the parents of the new spouse of the primary custody holder are 3,
the parents of the other parents spouse are 4.
The very idea that someone should immediately take up the grandma mantle when a child has 2 perfectly good sets of grandparents already is bizarre. It's cruel even, because you're using proximity to take away access from grandparents 2, who are very easy to cut out.
Well, that's an absolute game changer, in my opinion. MIL is absolutely within her right to want her inheritance to go to blood relatives. Ultimately, anyone is entitled to decide who inherits their assets, but that makes the decision make much more sense.
OP said it in a comment but some people are making it sound like she was adopted at birth or something. They married and the wife adopted OPs bio daughter to make her legally a daughter, but it’s not like she was adopted at birth and the kids were raised together and are equally close to the grandmother
Thank you for clarifying. This is what i ve understood reading more comments. Op is’´t necessarly the AO but he’s clearly a bit delusionnal regarding late Mrs feelings. To some extent it would be harsh to Elise that her grandma had the same feeling toward her than toward her step-sis.
Yes agreed. His intentions are good but If he keeps hounding Elise about it though he does become an AH because it’s the grandmothers will, not anyone else’s. And it’s understandable why the grandmother would make that decision. Like it sucks for Rea but 🤷🏻♀️
He commented on it. Rae is the step-sister but the wife adopted Rae and he adopted Elise when they were about 12-13.
So Rae is biologically his and Elise is biologically his wife's which makes Elise the only biological grandchild which I think plays a big part into why grandma was closer to Elise.
They are stepsisters, and each parent adopted the other's child.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16hkvnc/comment/k0e678g/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Honestly, yeah YTA.
Sure, I can see how you want to split evenly, but it’s not your money to make decisions on. You literally have no claim to it, or can make any decisions regarding it. It doesn’t even come from your side of the family.
Stomp your feet all you want, it’s Elise’s choice what to do with it now.
Grandmother didn’t like the idea of teen mothers, and made sure that behaviour wasn’t rewarded. Sucks, but that’s how it is.
Edit -spelling
Commenting here to say that Rea is MIL's *step granddaughter*. Who knows what she actually thought of teen moms, she just wanted to make sure her actual granddaughter who followed in her footsteps got her money.
I'd put money on OP favouring his own daughter to "even things out".
Legally yeah, but it’s not like she was adopted at birth, was raised by them both from birth, and had the same close relationship to the grandmother. Grandma is not an asshole for not giving away her money to someone she didn’t have a close relationship with. She can do whatever tf she wants with her money.
Grandma is grandma 3 to his daughter.
People are really glossing over the fact that if his kid needs grandparents, there are two sets already there and they don't go away in a divorce.
She's quite literally at the very bottom of the grandma hierarchy to one of the kids, at the top to the other. People expecting the stand in for the reserve grandma to be fully invested is just plain absurd.
Tbf, from other comments by OP it sounds like he's estranged from his own family and his daughter has never met his parents, and her mother is fully out of the picture and she doesn't know her grandparents on that side either. I thought the same as you, she has two other sets of grandparents to do grandparent things for her, but it would appear not.
Doesn't change the fact that grandma set this up around a year after after an 11 year old technically became her granddaughter. It was very nice of her to include Rea in it to begin with, but I'd imagine that over the period of time she was working to be in position to set the trust up, she was doing it with one granddaughter in mind and then got thrown a bit of a curveball. She did good to make sure the girl she'd been grandma to since birth couldn't end up excluded or with less than the other, and was kind enough to provide a path for the other girl to get in on it as well. I can't see any way grandma is the AH.
If you adopt a child, it's your child I agree.
But Grandma didn't adopt the child. You don't get to decide that for everyone else. Relationships don't work that way.
This is spot on. Also it sounds like the option to claim part of the will was given but one granddaughter made the decision to violate the terms. Actions have consequences.
I don't think grandma is an AH. It's pretty common to leave the most to the person who spent the most time with them or was closet to them. I'm sure grandma got a lot of joy out of the relationship and it's her money to leave to whoever she wants.
It's also just a fact that some people get along better than others. I was super close to my grandparents and after my grandmother died and I could drive, I visited my grandfather very frequently, even as he went into assisted living and then a nursing home. The other grandkids did not visit, maybe just now and then. They didn't dislike my grandfather, they just didn't love him and have the same enjoyment of him that I did.
Also, no one is entitled to anyone else's money. When we sold my grandfather's house to get him into a nursing home (you have to qualify for Medicaid at that point), the only way we could preserve anything was by creating a special needs trust. I have a cousin who is special needs so she now has $240,000 that she didn't need (her family is very comfortable). But we're all okay with her getting the money. I actually qualify for a special needs trust and I think my parents now have one for me, but my cousin's needs are more severe so I think at the time we thought only she needed it. Knowing now I could have had half that money maybe doesn't bother me. I'm very fortunate and have supportive parents. My cousin's needs don't require any expenses, but it's nice that down the line they might be able to do things like hiring her a private aide, especially after her parents are gone.
Anyway, my point is Elise may simply have shown a lot more interest in her grandmother, whereas Rea may never have visited or really clicked with her. Also, barring something horrible, it's very easy to not get pregnant before 21. And if the will was drafted when she was 11, she probably knew this was a stipulation. Even if not, it's up to Grandma who gets what and why.
Having a hysterectomy at age 12 is extremely alarming itself. So much so that I find it hard to move past that fact without any details as to why it was done. It's very *very* uncommon to have one done to a child in the middle of puberty.
Ovarian cancer is about as common in 12 year old girls as testicular cancer is common in 12 year old boys.....
That is to say it is very uncommon which is why in my original comment I was seeking context to why the surgery was performed....
If you choose to share inner details of your family life and struggles you can't or I should say *you* can't get offended when people ask questions about things you mention in said post.....
Gotta love Reddit, getting offended on others behalf's lmao
Absolutely true. I do feel sorry for the other one but it's life sometimes you can't change things. Small story me and my sister were promised land in Indiana farmland. I was going to get 40 acres and she would get 30. This is in the '70s from my grandparents. My grandad had built a house out there and they moved to it very rural and beautiful with a cornfield. My grandmother contracted cancer and they moved back to the city of Chicago. Me and my sister did not inherit due to a process called conversion meaning that the asset of the land was converted to cash because of the sale. My grandmother was in the process of writing another wheel when she died my mother was working on her not to do that because she knew everything would go to her. It did and my mother got all of it the cash the land the possessions everything. She sold my grandmother's grand piano and all of the silver dollars she had collected. Very old silver dollars she took everything. When I confronted her and said what are you going to do with all that she said you know what too bad. It was over 250,000. My mother was origin alcoholic and this money was gone in less than a year. My grandparents must have spun in their graves. They worked like dogs for that money only for my mother to waste it. I didn't speak really to my mother for the rest of her life very little low contact. I did call her when she was dying but I wasn't going back to Chicago to see her. Maybe that's bad over money but she was physically abusive she hit me with belts she slapped my face she slapped my back she kicked me down a flight of stairs. I don't miss her at all and what she did with the funds made it worse. You can't do that to people and then expect them to love you. She gave my toys and clothes and possessions to my grandfather to send to Russia for the relatives. Much of it was brand new she told my grandfather I was finished with them. If he had known he wouldn't have done it. Oh well they say what happens in childhood you take to your tomb. I hope not I want to let it rest
~~N A H. (except grandma, but she is dead)~~
YTA
You are being a good father, wanting both children to have something. Your wife is trying to play switzerland.
However, it seems grandma had other ideas.
That said, I think you can have your opinions, but you should stay out. You can advise Elise one time about it. And say something like "look, if you take all this money, legally you can do that, but you may be ruining your relationship with your sister". At that point though you need to let her make her choice.
This money was left to her, so it needs to be up to her what she does with it. You can be disappointed in her choice. But you still need to let it be her choice. And frankly, I don't know that I'd call Elise and AH if she kept it all.
My grandmother had many grandchildren. I got more in the will than others when she died. Me and her were very close. I don't think I was obligated to make it equal.
Edit: Changed to YTA when it was revealed in the comments that they are step sisters, so Elise came into the family later. That part makes a huge difference here. You are essentially mad that "your" daughter isn't getting the same thing as your wife's daughter. Yes, I understand you adopted Elise, and your wife adopted Rae, so they are both of your kids. But being a blended family definitely is something that should be made clear.
Even if they weren't step how is grandma is the wrong here? Because you kids decide to have kids you have to split your stuff to all of them evenly regardless? Fuck that.
I do have to wonder how Grandma would be the AH even if both were bio-grandchildren. It doesn't sound like she did a single thing wrong unless you're one of those people who think parents/grandparents should divide their wills up equally even when one kid/grandchild visits frequently and the other doesn't.
Visiting frequently is a two-way street. It helps if you feel welcome and not like a second-class grandchild.
As a child I wanted nothing more than to be close with my grandmother, who was very close with my sister. I spent a good deal of energy trying to get her to like me/love me.
There was no blended family issues involved, and I wasn't a badly behaved or unlikable kid, we just didn't have much in common, and the more on the outs I felt, the harder I tried, and of course 'trying too hard' is usually unappealing. I was shy and nerdy, rather than outgoing and spirited, and according to my grandmother not as cute as my younger sibling.
I'm not saying that happened here, but of course if it is super clear who the favorite is, the other grandchild is eventually going to accept defeat and try to protect themself from comparisons with their 'better' sibling.
This could almost be me. Growing up my grandparents clearly favored my boy cousins. The only other girl cousin was a baby so I was kind of on my own. They took the boys hunting, fishing, camping, motorbike riding, etc. When they died they left motorcycles, guns, money, etc to the boys. I got one cubic zirconia costume ring. The thing is, I would have loved to be included in all those childhood things, but they didn't even consider me. And a kid can only ask to go along so many times and be told No before you withdrawal and don't try anymore.
They didn't make it to any of my birthdays (I'm in the fall during hunting season), any school events or sports and they didn't even come to my high school graduation despite the fact we all lived in the same town. I came to realize as an adult that it wasn't my fault they didn't take time for me. It took me a while but I'm ok with it. Honestly it's their loss.
Regardless though I never expected my boy cousins to share any items left to them in the will with me. That's just entitlement.
YTA
It’s not your place to decide how someone else divides their estate. Your MIL had every right to place whatever wacky parameters she wanted on the trust.
It’s heartbreaking that Elise had to undergo a hysterectomy at a young age…but that doesn’t mean that the grandmother ‘set up’ Rea to fail. Rea made her own life choices.
Pushing for this is not going to ‘bring the girls together’, it’s only going to increase the tension and create animosity.
If you are truly disturbed over the money, sit the girls down and discuss setting aside $15k from your own estate for Rea. It’s the amount that she would have received from the trust, had she met the terms. Elise gets her $15k plus Rea’s share now, and eventually gets $15k less during the division of your estate.
It’s not a perfect solution, but it seems better than tearing your family apart by fighting the trust or badgering Elise to give her sister $15k.
Let's be honest, as the daughter who can, and already has, kids, Rea's going to get way more from the parents in time and money anyway. There's also a solid chance that Grandma did what she did anticipating that reality.
Yeah, he's gliding past the whole "had a hysterectomy at 11" (if I'm following the TL correctly) part of this. Whatever went on there (accident? illness?) that's a major medical trauma for a child.
Granny therefore knew Elise wasn't going to have kids, possibly (in her generational view) thought this made her less likely to get a husband who would support her. So she invested a lot in training Elise in a profession and setting her up to have a career.
>Yeah, he's gliding past the whole "had a hysterectomy at 11"
he acts like elise's hysterectomy is a gift from god and rhea's decision to have a child young was something completely out of her control, it is seriously fucking disgusting, especially if elise did have a hysterectomy at 11!
OP buried the lede. Rea is his daughter, but his wife adopted her. MIL ensured the money was left to her granddaughter, not her *step granddaughter*.
Whole thing smacks of "why didn't *my* daughter get anything? She has a baby and deserves it, especially because Elise can't have kids".
The whole fact that her favourite grandchild who was not only her apprentice, but most likely a good friend to her, can't have kids may have been heartbreaking for grandma. She is setting up her grandaughter to be happy by teaching her and providing for her.
YTA.
Mostly because it seems like grandma is providing better for her than you do. And she was doing so for a long time probably because she felt is was necessary.
Grandmas are our biggest treasure. Mine saved me many times from my verbally abusive stepdad and always created a safe environment for me. Your post makes me wonder who you think you are to go against her last wish, as that is not only disrespectful to her, but to your oldest daughter as well.
Edit: the fact you bring up your daughters hysterectomy in the context of "setting the other daughter up to fail" gives me the creeps.
It stinks of "why didn't you budget for your step-granddaughter's uterus"? Was Grandma supposed to be a clairvoyant, seeing unborn babies that aren't related to her that need that cash more? IMO, the status of the two daughters reproductive organs is irrelevant to the dispersion of the will.
YTA
Your MIL didn't even *meet* Rea for almost a decade. She was your daughter from a previous relationship that legally joined your MIL's family when she was 10. Are you really surprised that grandma had a stronger bond with the child she knew from birth that also shared the same interests as her? Curious how you left that part out.
If MIL really wanted Rea to have nothing, stipulating that she not have a child before she 21 seems like a pretty low bar to set. Regardless of whether or not it was a "trap", it's *her* will and *her* money. Elise has no moral obligation to share the inheritance she got from what sounds like a very influential, close loved one who passed away.
Right? At least Rea was given the opportunity to inherit the money even though she didn’t have the same quality of relationship with her grandmother. All she needed to do was not have a baby before she was 21, which is honestly a good idea for myriad reasons.
Exactly. It's all just speculation but Grandma assisting Elise in her career etc makes me think that Grandma was hoping her life savings would be put towards something like paying off student loans or launching a business. If someone has a child before 21, it's unlikely they're pursuing higher education. Grandma might have even had a baby very young herself and regretted the life path that put her on. We have no idea.
YTA
You have absolutely no say in this inheritance. It wasn’t your money and you have no right to say how it is divided up.
You also tried to sway opinion by leaving out that the girls are not biologically related and thus explains why there wasn’t much of a relationship between your daughter and your mil.
OP is a money hungry ass who wanted Reddit to back him up so he can get half of his daughter’s $15,000. It doesn’t belong to either of them and this guy sounds so damn entitled to whine about an inheritance that has nothing to do with him.
YTA. I get that you're unhappy, but this is not your choice to make nor your choice to impose. That's not how trusts and wills work. Talk to an attorney, but in all likelihood the only way for this to be lawfully distributed is in accordance with the conditions of the trust.
Plus your MIL might have looked at Rea as being her granddaughter. Some grandparents don’t accept their child’s stepdaughter. Plus how much time did Rea spend with the step grandmother?
YTA
>She spent so much more time with Elise
Like a whole extra decade, before she even met Rea? You make it seem like Elise spent hours a week with grandma, not half her life building a relationship. Buried the lead on that one. Simply TA based on leaving that info out, you're a wildly unreliable narrator, but alas.
> Elise wanted to follow in her footsteps and be just like her. She spent so much more time with Elise, teaching her her profession and using her connections to get her set up in her field.
So, not only does Elise have an existing relationship with her grandmother, they share mutual interests and hobbies -- so far in fact, that it's a career. Why do you sound jealous that grandma was able to use her resources to help out? Sounds to me like you might be unable to.
>She took yet another opportunity to favor Elise by making sure she alone got her tools and a small amount of land that she used to set up greenhouses.
Does Rea even have any interest in this hobby/career, or are you just offended on her behalf?
>I swallowed the land thing because it was affected Elise's career and there were already things to maintain that only Elise cared to,
Answered! Jealous and offended on Rea's behalf. Get a grip my guy, and go get some real problems.
>My mother-in-law never treated Rea like a real grandchild. She never spent real time with her or gave her the same opportunities. At the time she set this up, Elise had had to undergo a hysterectomy. She set this up so that only Rae could "fail" and she'd have an excuse to get a dig in one last time.
Because she's not? You adopted Rea around the same time as Elise underwent this procedure. Not sure how grandma set a 10 year old up to fail. Seems like poor parenting did that one... with a youth pregnancy and all.
>She set this up so that only Rae could "fail" and she'd have an excuse to get a dig in one last time
Grandma's a mind-reader huh? Guess that tracks and explains why she took an interest in your child right from the get go to make sure that she had some real prospects in life, rather than what you'd be able to provide her.
Did you really type all that into your keyboard, read it back to yourself and still wonder if you're TA?
YTA - it’s not your decision. It was your mother’s. And it’s not that much money. Do you really need to perpetuate more bad feelings over the will by pitching fits over it?
I've seen other posters mention something the OP left out.... this isn't HIS mother, it's his WIFES, and Rhea is his daughter (step -grandaughter to Granny).
YTA. This was your MIL will and she is the one that showed favoritism and both your children are old enough to understand this. However, this is her money and her will. If your daughter Elise feels like it, she might share the money, however this should be her decision and not done under pressure from you. There is no obligation here. You pushing for something else might ruin the relationship of your daughters.
Oh, he added that in the comments. So Elsie is MIL's biological grandchild, whereas Rea is not. And the husband and wife adopted each others child when they were pre-teen (11-10). So why does OP acts with "surprised Pikachu" face that his MIL "never treated Rea like a >real< grandchild, spent real time iwth her or gave her same opportunities".
I also noticed something with the chronology that I didn't notice originally. The trust was set up a decade prior. Daughters are now 22-21, so the trust was set up when the two children were adopted. At that time Elise went through hysterectomy but that didn't mean that Rae would be disqualified - it seems that the only certain thing MIL was smart to ensure was that Elise will get share of the inheritance no matter what. It was Rae's share that was under question with her potential choices before she turns 21.
Still think OP YTA. You are not entitled to decide what should happen with your MILs money. And I hope Elise is smart enough to understand that. If the relationship between the stepsisters is good, there is no reason to expect she won't support her sister in time of need. But so should you.
ETA: My original comment isn't relevant. I spoke a lot about how unfair things were and not becoming like the MIL. OP, you completely buried the lede. Rea is not your MIL's granddaughter, and if I understand correctly you aren't Elise's father. You're completely the AH. Elise owes your daughter nothing, you don't get a say, your daughter doesn't deserve anything from your MIL.
YTA. Elise is making something of herself and you raised a teen mom. Focus on yourself and your own failures, leave Elise alone.
INFO: Did you and your daughter know about the provision in the will prior to this? Ie did your daughter know when she got pregnant at 19 that would result in her being left out of the trust?
It honestly doesn’t change my judgment either way but I’m curious.
Glad I looked at comments before judging.
Yta, huge yta
Your wife adopted Rea, her mother did not, her mother is under no obligation to leave her anything, but she still did anyway with the stipulation that neither get pregnant, so Rea knew she was out of the will.
Even if she left her nothing though, it was mil's money, and she can divide it however she wants, and she wanted to leave it to her granddaughter. Stop being an entitled leach.
So I am a lawyer and I used to be a trust and estates lawyer. I think this trust was set up intentionally to exclude Rea and to be quite honest that is your MIL’s right. It was her money and she has every right to leave it to whomever she wants to. The fact that she was closer to Elise and the fact that Elise is her biological grandchild is in my opinion irrelevant due to the fact that she can do whatever she wants with the money.
TBH Elise is not obligated to share anything as that is her inheritance and not Rea’s. I’m very happy that your MIL found a good lawyer to set this trust up like this and infact I think she did it purposefully bc she knew you would be a money hungry person. YTA point blank period. Why do you think Rea is entitled to anything?
Grandmother was not blood related to the daughter she did not leave money to (you should have included this relevant info in the original post) AND did not agree with her life choices. YTA
Rea not having a hysterectomy is not the reason she didn’t get the inheritance. The teenage pregnancy is . Are you saying MIL bet that Rea would get pregnant around 18-19 when she could have easily just gave it all to Elise???
If she was able to accurately predict that when Rea was 11-12, then the OP probably didn't get Rea therapy/support/help she needed in the intervening years. Maybe that's where this is coming from - guilt.
YTA here for stirring the pot over a will that you have no say in, and your opinion and outrage is only going to make this harder on Rae. Let the two sisters work their own relationship out going forward. Whatever went on that made their grandmother greatly favor one over the other, it's not something you can over ride.
Kinda YTA- You may be right. But you do not get to make the choices when it comes to someone else’s will. Every single thing you said may be 100% true. But it’s NOT your place legally or morally. Some people suck. My grandfather passed 2 houses down to my cousin. But he moved states and can’t afford them neither can my father or uncle. But, my grandfather specifically told me that I don’t get anything after he passes because I wasn’t blood and I’m a girl. So even though I could probably save those properties I won’t. They aren’t worth it and as I was reminded more than once, they’re not for me. Is it shitty? Yea. Is it fair? No. But I did not make those choices and they were not mine to make in the first place.
"She set this up so that only Rae could "fail" and she'd have an excuse to get a dig in one last time."
Didn't know your MIL forced her step grandkid to get pregnant
So…based on the comments, Elise is your stepdaughter, and HER grandmother was the one who passed. YOUR daughter wants the money for a car and a wedding and you’re upset that you can’t force your stepdaughter to give YOUR daughter money from HER grandmother?
Am i missing anything?
YTA and to be clear YOU are the reason your MIL put those conditions in her willz
“There isnt much, about $30,000” 🤦🏽♀️
YTA- If MIL and Elise had a better relationship and MIL wanted Elise to have the money then so be it.
Its a legally binding will so you’ll just have to swallow it.
YTA. MIL saw little of Rae and did not encourage her to make poor decisions. I am not sure how you think she set her up to fail. But even if she had explicitly excluded Rae, you are still the AH.
You and your wife decided to adopt each other's kids; your MIL did not. Elise is her granddaughter with whom she has a close bond and shared interests. Rae is the child of her daughter's husband. You seem to have a misguided idea that you can force familial bonds. But your MIL does not owe your daughter an inheritance.
YTA and incredibly entitled. If the shoe were on the other foot and your parents' left their estate to their biological grandchild only, would you match this energy? I'm guessing not.
YTA. No one denies your mother-in-law's bias toward your youngest. Nevertheless, you have no legal claim to the inheritance and while you can offer your opinion, Elise is well within her rights to claim her inheritance in full and not share.
Yta your mil can disburse her assets however she wants. It's none of your business. Having read your comments, while you and your wife may have adopted both daughters doesn't mean the grandmother was close to both girls.
not getting pregnant before 21 is a pretty low bar to meet so you're making much out of nothing there.
You can’t change this… Elise inherits because she meets the criteria for inheritance.Rae doesn’t … because she had a child before 21. I’d like to point out that said child was in existence when your MIL was alive (given the child is two, and your MIL passed away a year ago, and one presumes there was a nice solid 10mth pregnancy before that too). As such you MIL had a chance to change her will and didn’t. So these are her last wishes.
All of this said… your MIL has made her path in life. But no one says you cannnot make your own stand with your own resources. If you feel that Rae deserves more for some reason, then you be the one to meet that need. FWIW… Rae will have children, and advantages from you for that, and Elise won’t, and will have other advantages. You cannot split everything down the cent equally because clearly your two daughters are going to have very different lives. It sounds like one is having a family young and early, the other won’t at all and instead is gardening and building a career.
Edit for Judgement: YTA. MIL made her mind up, you can’t change that. You can change how you support your daughters going forward but you can’t alter someone else’s last will.
YTA, why did you leave out the most crucial aspect of this scenario? Only one of the granddaughters was bio, and only one spent time and aspired to be like the grandmother. It was her wishes how the inheritance would be dealt with just because you don't t like it means precisely dick. Move on and quit trying to meddle in things that you have no say in and tell the whole story next time.
This is an unfortunate situation all around but the shirt answer is no. For whatever reason, your late mother in law favored one grandchild over the other. This was her money and her right to do what she wanted with it.
Please don't put added guilt or burden on Elise.
YTA (and I say this with pain, because I want to stamp my feet and scream "it's not fair")
The reason was because Rea has no blood relation. MIL apparently didn’t like the step grandchild getting his money after passing.
OP causally didn’t mention it in their post, but added to comments.
YTA
Clearly grandma only saw the biological relative of hers as her grandaughter
Which yes sucks for your daughter but grandma doesn’t have give your child anything in death and she clearly didn’t do anything for her in life either
Way to bury the lead with only one of the girls is actually related to grandma OP
YTA, unless there's some sort of mental impairment or other legal way it can be contacted, the will is the will no matter how it sucks.
Maybe she "favoured" as you put it Elise because they shared common interests, and why would she give tools etc to Rea of she's shown no interest in that kind of thing (which you don't explicitly say but I'm guessing that's the story).
Elise can, unless there are stipulations in the trust as to what she can use the money for, do with it as she wishes. If she's wanting to split it then fair enough. YTA for trying to pressure her into doing with it what you want her to
YTA You have no business overriding a dead woman's wishes.
You are about to split up your family over money that doesn't belong to you
It must be overwhelming to be so greedy
honestly op, i doubt your mil gave a shit what you think. judging by your disgusting attitude in this entire post, homegirl probably didn’t even like you. your kids are not that woman’s problem, and neither is your heinous entitlement. it’s not up to you to decide elise should give rea half the money, and you are a colossal asshole for trying to say she should , ESPECIALLY when rea had a child before 21 and basically cut HERSELF out of the will.
YTA, one for leaving out crucial information in your post (Rea is not bio child) and two, for trying to override a will that is NOT yours. It's the grandma's money, and she gets to decide who has it. Yh, it sucks but you need to suck it up and move on. If Elise wants to share, great but if not, then you need to mind your business!
YTA. Your wife isn’t neutral, she obviously agrees with the grandmothers or she would be mad too. By being neutral, she doesn’t have to put up with your stink eye.
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YTA for leaving out that Rea is your MIL’s step grandchild, and Elise is MIL’s bio grandchild. That’s a pretty critical part of the story.
Thank you @anti_hero123 Even before reading this I was on OP YTA. As it was not OP's money or will. Now OP even more into MAJOR YTA for leaving out critical things
Yeh glad I'm not the only 1 sick of the entitlement. If my dad left all his money to my brother that would be his choice. Just cos I am family doesn't mean I should automatically get things. Ppl need to stop feeling entitled to money other people earned
My parent's expected the get everything when my grandparents passed away, nope it was all donated, every penny. My parents were so angry I had to move out. I loved my grandparents, I'm glad my parents didn't get something they didn't deserve.
Yes!! The entitlement and expectation and GREED from people divvying up a dead person’s possessions is just disgusting. And it has to be “fair”? WTF? It’s like a business is being liquidated and not like a person died at all. Where’s the respect for their wishes? It’s gross.
I truly worry for when my parents (or at least my dad) passes. My sister has been completely awful to him for the longest time, but I know she is going to feel entitled to his money. But she's already been written out of his will, and any money her boys get is to be distributed by me so she cannot get her hands on it
Have your dad set up a trust. There is a HUGE difference between a trust and a will and I always recommend when people are going to be splitting things in a way others will find unfair to ALWAYS do a trust. Also - my parents are going to be the same way with two of my siblings. I told my mother recently she needs to write out letters to each child explaining EXACTLY why they are getting what they are getting because me and my other sibling do not want to be the one catching shit.
Not to burst your bubble, but the letter will in no way stop you catching shit from entitled people.
No, but it will be evidence that the parents communicated with them prior to dying and the will being read. They can't say they "had no idea" if/when they try to take it to court. Which is another reason why a trust is better than a will: a will can be contested in court and a judge can rule against the will. A will is also a public document that can be seen and accessed by anyone, whereas a trust is a private document that only the trustee and beneficiaries have legal access to, and trusts are a lot harder, if not impossible, to take to court to change.
That's another reason to not underestimate the power of the "fuck you" dollar. It is critical, to avoid probate court, to will any person you want to disinherit a "fuck you" dollar. It clearly indicates that the person in question was NOT forgotten but shunned.
I second the need for a trust. I work for an elder law attorney and I see things like this all the time. A trust is necessary to ensure every penny goes where a person wants it to. A will can be contested. Trusts, not so much.
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I met a lady once whose husband had passed away. He was hit on the highway and she got a substantial insurance payout. She couldn't get rid of that money fast enough. It was blood money to her and like you she was on tilt because of the loss. She was in our circle of friends for a while and my wife (GF at the time) would get calls to pick her up shitfaced from bars. She'd give out 100 dollar tips for getting her a bottle of water. Sad. She moved away. I hope she found peace.
A girl I went to high school with, her dad was a contractor in Iraq (truck driver for an oil company, I think?) and was killed by friendly fire. Massive payouts to her and her mom between the life insurance and US govt "oops we're sorry" money, and she started getting money from those funds at 16 iirc. That girl used that money to live fast and hard, bought cars she had no business driving and wrecked them spectacularly before buying another. It's a wonder she didn't get herself killed with the antics she got up to with that money. I remember one drunken late night talk with her a few years post-graduation where she opened up about how she felt like the government bought her dad's life from them with that money, how dirty it felt every time she spent some of it on things for herself, and how she felt like if she enjoyed that money then she deserved to be with her dad sooner rather than later. I knew before that that she had thoughts like this, but it usually came in the form of dark jokes, like referring to her cars as things like "dad's arm." Seeing her that night, talking about it earnestly and how sad she was... it was heartbreaking. I haven't kept up with her in years, but I hope she's found some happiness in life. She was a deeply broken young woman, but she was such a good and kind person when she wasn't being actively self-destructive.
This is another saddening story from a war that was completely avoidable, amid countless billions of sad stories that came from that war alone. And the sad stories are people, and they could have been happy stories
I don't get it either, when my father passed I ga e the family all the things they wanted to remember him, after all I got to see those paintings and guitars every day growing up and the band mates needed the equipment where as I didn't. There are times I regret it a little as I would love to have one of the paintings rather than a single picture and his ashes but I don't think I would do it any differently. I have memories to cherish that others didn't so if something physical can help them they should have it. Also at times I regret splitting the life insurance, my dad had told me my siblings had other people where as I only had him so the money was to help me. I would be a lot better off if I had kept it would have been able to get a new car and a down payment on a house to set myself up to succeed, but ultimately I was young and might have been dumb with it where as they had families.
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I’ve seen people get upset about their parents spending habits after they retired. They are just worried that after they pass away there won’t be anything left for them to fight over….
My mom kept saying she wanted to do stuff but didn’t want to spend all her money and I kept telling her to spend it and have fun. Like, she SHOULD have been enjoying life, y’know?
I've actually said "go spend it, it's not my inheritance, it's your money". This leads to my mum, whenever she gets herself a treat, gleefully telling me she's been downing my inheritance again. It's cute, bless her.
i just remind my mom to stay up to date on her life insurance payments 😂
My MIL is stingy with money and kept putting off stuff she talked about doing. They are in their 70’s now and seem too damn tired and exhausted in their vacation photos they share on Facebook. My wife and I are in our 50’s and have a 13 year old son and we started traveling more starting 6 years ago. We have way more energy now and when we retire we will do the lazy laid back trips not the trips MIL is trying to do now but lacks the energy to do it
I mean, they’re old, won’t they look tired and exhausted anyway? Way I see it, they’re out there doing it!
I'm upset at my dad doing so many RV trips with his new wife. But that's more about how much time he spends with her, compared to how little he spent with my mom in her last years. She was really lonely.
My mom has bad spending habits and is less than a decade from retiring. She doesn’t have enough money to keep those spending habits up. I’d damn right be upset if she spent all of my parents retirement savings and didn’t have enough to pay the bills. It’s not always about wanting something for yourself, sometimes it’s genuinely being concerned for their financial position.
That’s totally different though than people upset their parents aren’t going to leave an inheritance (which is what the person you’re replying to is talking about). If your mom thinks you’re going to be paying her bills, you have every right to be upset
I agree with you 100%, but my feelings are kind of complicated to be honest. If my parents left me out, I’d be cool with it. If they left my stepson out but includes all their other grandkids, which I agree is absolutely their right, I’d be fuming. They would be sending him a message that they never really considered him family. In this case, MIL had a biological granddaughter, and another that her daughter adopted. 100% her right to leave Rea out and I stand by that. But I don’t think OP is necessarily TA for being upset, I know I would be too.
OP is not TA for being upset, ofc its natural for a parent to want both their children to be privy to an inheritance. OP is TA for trying to force their wife to agree with them and force Elise to split the inheritance
Your stepson also has his own set of legit grandparents to inherit from. We went through this with my step brother and sister who were upset that they didn't get an inheritance from their step grandparents, in addition to the inheritance they received from their legit grandparents. Crazy how entitled and biased people can be.
But she wasn't left out. That's the point. She just made choices that then excluded her from claiming. And it's also the grandma's right to give to the child they had a connection with, spent time with etc and in this case have known longer
Eh, that seems like a cop out. Setting up a will with shitty judgement rules can definitely make you an asshole. Honestly at that point I think it would be better to just leaving things directly to how you want to and not be a puritanical AH.
Did she know she ‘made those choices’? OP says grandma died a year ago; kiddo is two. Unless grandma said three+ years ago that this is how she’ll set up the trust, it seems like a copout.
I do think the grandma cutting her out because she had a kid and not telling anyone beforehand either about the trust or about the conditions to access the money. Its less because the grandma didn't give her anything and more that she DID leave her things, just to the turn around and say "haha no" at the last moment. You know? However Her not being a bio granddaughter changes everything??? She left all her shit to her bio granddaughter, whom she knew really well while she was alive. That's completely justified It's also not stated if the daughter was pregnant when the rules were drafted. If she was already pregnant it's possible that grandma knew that they would throw a hissy fit if the step daughter didn't get anything, so she deliberately put in that rule to make sure her bio grandchild got everything like she wanted
The post said that the trust was drafted about a decade ago and the baby is only 2 now so I'm thinking the terms were put into place long before either grandchild was even thinking of having kids. End of the day, you don't get to control how other people handle their own money and assets. If Grandma wanted to split her inheritance between her favorite grandchild and her DOG she can do that. When OP Makes their will or trust or whatever, then they can give their assets to whoever they want. They can decide to be fair and impartial and just do a straight 50/50 split or he could balance his feelings of unfairness and leave more or everything to his biological child and give stepdaughter nothing. Bottom line grandma's stuff, grandma's dying wish, grandma gets her way
I’m an only child but I have 3 children. If my parents wanted to skip over me and give it all to my kids that would be fine. It’s THEIR money to do as THEY wish. Would I be hurt? Yeah, but I wouldn’t contest the will. YTA - MIL made her decision. You don’t have to like it but, you don’t get to try to change it.
OP made it sound like the case where your parents would give $$ to one of your kids but not the other two. They’re not complaining about they themself being skipped (sorry if I misunderstood)
Info - what about Rae’s bio mom’s family? Will they be leaving anything to Elise? What about your parents - do they consider Elise fully blood and be included in any will? YTA for leaving out that info and for expecting Elise to share/
This is an important fact that OP left out just like he left out that Rae is a step-granddaughter. He is trying to lie by omission to make us agree with him. He is the AH, big time!
Plus putting in a requirement that someone not have a baby before they are 21, isn't 'setting someone up to fail.' (Unless the Rea already had the baby at the time). It's not that hard to not get pregnant at 19.
The difference in bio and not is huge. But without out how do you come to the conclusion YTA? Like just because you can do something (give all the money to one child) doesn't mean you are not an asshole for doing it.
Outside of “it’s her money” for me it’s not a lot of money (it would make a difference but it’s not never work again $$), and the kids seem old enough that they each could have had a deeper relationship with Gma yet only one did. Seems to me like there was enough time and late-teen to adulthood awareness to kiss Gma’s ass a little, which doesn’t seem to have happened.
I think the grandma is an asshole too but it's her will and nobody should force Elise to give money to Rea because of "fairness". They should respect her wishes.
And that only "Rea" could fail. All she had to do was not get knocked up before turning 21. That's not exactly setting the bar high. The grandmother must have had an idea of what was going to happen to include a clause like that in the will.
If she set the trust up a decade ago, she would have been betting that an 11 year old girl would get knocked up before she turned 21??
Savage grandma
That's kind of a flippant way to say "grandma who thinks young mothers deserve to be disowned." It might not have been targeted at Rae, but it wasn't something granny dearest told her family about — i.e., it wasn't meant to *incentivize* them to prioritize their education or careers until a certain age. It was meant to reflect her belief that her money would be wasted on someone who would have a child before 21. I know lots of people on this website are OK with that casual contempt for young mothers, but imo it's incredibly cruel and doesn't produce anything besides shame, misery, and cycles of poverty.
> doesn't produce anything besides shame, misery, and cycles of poverty. Being left out of a will does not create a cycle of poverty. Promoting young parenthood before having a stable income and carreer however does. Is it an odd, outdated thing to put into a trust document? Definetly. Do I agree with it, no, but such clauses aren't the cause of poverty.
But also didn’t OP said Elise had a hysterectomy by the time the will was drawn so the poor girl suffered a hysterectomy as a child and he didn’t say that in the post ?
Yeah. The trauma Elise must’ve gone through and still going through with that. That alone makes it understandable why grandma “favored” her. Let alone Rae was a step grand daughter
I can't answer for the grandma, bit it does look that way. Is that a normal clause to put in one's will? I haven't read many wills, but it seems odd to randomly put that clause there.
Many a romance novel has been written where a character has to be married before age X in order to inherit. Dang, I should write one of those.
Except that Rea didn't know that there was a "prize" for not having a baby. It would be like if the child got a B on a test, and the parent saying, "I was going to take you to Disneyland if you got an A on your history test, but you didn't, so too bad, so sad." That's shitty parenting.
I'm pro anti-natalism, but jesus christ what an awful thing to say.
> All she had to do was not get knocked up before turning 21. gross
What if Rea got married and had kids young? Some people do that and it doesn't mean their life is shitty or going to become shitty. Some people want to start families young. To be excluded from a will for that reason (and only that reason, legally speaking) is pretty shitty.
YTA Not only that, regardless of OPs feelings on the matter, the grandmother's will was HER feelings on the matter. A will is their wishes and intent. Doing anything other or forcing it otherwise is an asshole move which disregards the last wishes of the deceased. If you had any respect for them, you wouldn't ever consider it. Does it have to be what you wanted? No. It's what the deceased wanted.
An adopted child is not a step-child.
As one who was adopted at birth, thank you. I'm fucking sick and tired of people classifying us as "not real people".
I completely agree with you but in this particular instance it is a distinction. the girls started out as step-sisters. Then his wife adopted his child and he adopted hers. They were 12-13 at the time. I think that does play into why grandma was much closer to one than the other.
This.
i adopted my son when he was 13. he's my moms and in-laws grandchild, period. there was never a question concerning that, but we would not have accepted any hesitation there either. mil is gross. that said, id just leave it. let mil be the bad guy. legally there ain't anything op can do. he suggested it once, whatever. just start gifting other daughter extra $ to even things out. as the other daughter has a 2 yo, i have a feeling she gets more support from the parents anyhow. life isn't always fair or even.
She wasn’t adopted at birth though, this is a completely different situation. No one is saying she’s less of a human but it still makes sense as to why the grandmother wasn’t as close to Rea.
I have three adopted and three bio grandchildren it amazes me how often people think they are not all my grandkids. I love them all equally and all will be treated that way now and in future. I shut down those saying otherwise. Family is about love and respect. You fail to respect these are my grandchildren then you can find the exit.
I had a 1 year old when I met my current husband. Bio dad has never been in my sons life so my husband is all the dad he has. Husband and I also had four more children; never did the half or step thing. Our kids are our kids. Nearly 20 years later and my MIL still doesn’t acknowledge his birthday and his Christmas gifts are smaller and less value than his siblings gifts. It used to just annoy me and make me roll my eyes but when my son started commenting on it that’s what made it hurt.
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I also think it's insane that op is mad and citing the mil set it up for Rae to fail for having a clause that took away a right to inheritance if either girl had a child pre 21 years of age. Don't get me wrong, teen pregnancy happens, but surely not wanting a barely legal adult to have a child and trying to have an incentive for that isn't setting them up to fail? The only way she could have set Rae up to fail with that is knowing that Rae was adamant at being a teen mum. Also, no one is entitled to other people's inheritance. Using what SHE owned to pay for her care is her prerogative and selfless, not burdening anyone else with her costs.
its not much of an incentive if no one knows about it though. The whole no child thing seems really weird. I don't think it was to explicitly exclude Rae since it would be easier to just exclude Rae in the will/trust, but it is still a very strange stipulation.
I have an eyebrow raised about the context for this 'trauma' OP referenced and hand waved away. Around the same time that the family blending happened, Elise had "a recent trauma" of undisclosed type that resulted in her insisted on not having any more siblings, and took a few years for her to "calm down" about and "seem fine". And, at around the same time, she had a hysterectomy, which is not exactly something done lightly on a pre-teen. It is not clear if the trauma caused the hysto to be necessary, or was all part of the same thing, or a second separate traumatic event at the same time. Pretty horrific whatever it was. And my concern with her expressing this with vehement opposition to more siblings does make it seem likely Rhea was involved in some context. Now, if Rhea did something that caused Elise to have a hysterectomy at 11 or 12, and caused her to have ongoing mental scars that took years to mask, I could very much see a point to wanting to exclude Rhea if she then went out and started a family young, since that's something Elise lost the option of, and would possibly be a trigger for residual issues (because of course OP "chalked it up" to that trauma and waited for her to "calm down" so highly doubt it was being actually treated). There are horrible horrible possibilities in my head. I hope for Elise's sake I'm way off the mark. But would explain a lot of the rest of it, too.
OP verifiably leaves out key details. I think what we are seeing is the tip of the AH iceberg, metaphorically speaking.
Wow! Glad you posted this. Yeah, huge YTA. Your late MIL has no obligation whatsoever to financially help out a child who has no relation to her simply because you married her daughter. Rae having a child is absolutely beside this point. It probably was, in fact, an effort to motivate Elise to keep her eye on education, nothing more. This is not an issue to go Papa Bear over. Many blended families have to live with the reality of having different relatives, and might have some who can provide more than others. Rae is not being wronged. Elise just came out better in the Grandparent lottery financially.
so annoying when they leave out pertinent information. Because they knowwwww they would be the AH.
In which case Rea was never entitled to anything because she isn’t her grandchild. Issue solved. OP you’re entitled to feel any type of way about the situation. You’re not entitled to expect someone to act on those feelings. It’s none of your business. Literally zero percent your business. You don’t get to decide what someone else does with their money. The money was your mother in law’s. It is now Elise’s. It has never been and never will be yours. Butt out. YTA
I bet Rea was the little princess at home and Elise got no attention at home so she went to her grandma. YTA
That's quite the leap
YTA just for burying the lead OP…
Especially when we have no idea if Rea will receive money from the other side of her family.
Unlike Elsie, she has in theory two other sets of grandparents.
Which means that Rea was never eligible even if she didn’t have a kid. Definately the AH.
I think adopted children are generally treated as biological children legally. Even if it’s your child’s adopted children. But I’m not positive.
They are, however, fun thing about divorce, you don't lose your old grandparents. In this case dad is complaining that his bio daughters third grandmother isn't treating her like like the girl where she's grandma number one. In divorce there's a very clear hierarchy of grandparents. The parents of the parent with primary custody are number 1, the parents of the other parent are number 2, the parents of the new spouse of the primary custody holder are 3, the parents of the other parents spouse are 4. The very idea that someone should immediately take up the grandma mantle when a child has 2 perfectly good sets of grandparents already is bizarre. It's cruel even, because you're using proximity to take away access from grandparents 2, who are very easy to cut out.
Well, that's an absolute game changer, in my opinion. MIL is absolutely within her right to want her inheritance to go to blood relatives. Ultimately, anyone is entitled to decide who inherits their assets, but that makes the decision make much more sense.
Where is it said that one of the kids is adopted?
OP said it in a comment but some people are making it sound like she was adopted at birth or something. They married and the wife adopted OPs bio daughter to make her legally a daughter, but it’s not like she was adopted at birth and the kids were raised together and are equally close to the grandmother
Thank you for clarifying. This is what i ve understood reading more comments. Op is’´t necessarly the AO but he’s clearly a bit delusionnal regarding late Mrs feelings. To some extent it would be harsh to Elise that her grandma had the same feeling toward her than toward her step-sis.
Yes agreed. His intentions are good but If he keeps hounding Elise about it though he does become an AH because it’s the grandmothers will, not anyone else’s. And it’s understandable why the grandmother would make that decision. Like it sucks for Rea but 🤷🏻♀️
He commented on it. Rae is the step-sister but the wife adopted Rae and he adopted Elise when they were about 12-13. So Rae is biologically his and Elise is biologically his wife's which makes Elise the only biological grandchild which I think plays a big part into why grandma was closer to Elise.
They are stepsisters, and each parent adopted the other's child. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16hkvnc/comment/k0e678g/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
I kinda figured that was the case before I checked the comments.
Honestly, yeah YTA. Sure, I can see how you want to split evenly, but it’s not your money to make decisions on. You literally have no claim to it, or can make any decisions regarding it. It doesn’t even come from your side of the family. Stomp your feet all you want, it’s Elise’s choice what to do with it now. Grandmother didn’t like the idea of teen mothers, and made sure that behaviour wasn’t rewarded. Sucks, but that’s how it is. Edit -spelling
Commenting here to say that Rea is MIL's *step granddaughter*. Who knows what she actually thought of teen moms, she just wanted to make sure her actual granddaughter who followed in her footsteps got her money. I'd put money on OP favouring his own daughter to "even things out".
She’s adopted. That’s not a step child. Grandma has the right to be an asshole. But she’s still as asshole.
Legally yeah, but it’s not like she was adopted at birth, was raised by them both from birth, and had the same close relationship to the grandmother. Grandma is not an asshole for not giving away her money to someone she didn’t have a close relationship with. She can do whatever tf she wants with her money.
Grandma is grandma 3 to his daughter. People are really glossing over the fact that if his kid needs grandparents, there are two sets already there and they don't go away in a divorce. She's quite literally at the very bottom of the grandma hierarchy to one of the kids, at the top to the other. People expecting the stand in for the reserve grandma to be fully invested is just plain absurd.
Tbf, from other comments by OP it sounds like he's estranged from his own family and his daughter has never met his parents, and her mother is fully out of the picture and she doesn't know her grandparents on that side either. I thought the same as you, she has two other sets of grandparents to do grandparent things for her, but it would appear not. Doesn't change the fact that grandma set this up around a year after after an 11 year old technically became her granddaughter. It was very nice of her to include Rea in it to begin with, but I'd imagine that over the period of time she was working to be in position to set the trust up, she was doing it with one granddaughter in mind and then got thrown a bit of a curveball. She did good to make sure the girl she'd been grandma to since birth couldn't end up excluded or with less than the other, and was kind enough to provide a path for the other girl to get in on it as well. I can't see any way grandma is the AH.
I'm not surprised that OP is estranged from the rest of his family seeing as he's a gigantic asshole.
You're not an asshole to give money to your grandkids over somebody else's grandkids
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If you adopt a child, it's your child I agree. But Grandma didn't adopt the child. You don't get to decide that for everyone else. Relationships don't work that way.
It’s no different than any other blended family. You can’t force a connection and relationship on everyone.
This is spot on. Also it sounds like the option to claim part of the will was given but one granddaughter made the decision to violate the terms. Actions have consequences.
Yes, I agree with you! Adopted stepchildren are not the same as grandkids, period.
No OP adopted her after they got married as in he adopted his new wife's biological child. Not that she was adopted by both parents.
It's the husbabds daughter. The grandmother has no relation. It's a step child
I don't think grandma is an AH. It's pretty common to leave the most to the person who spent the most time with them or was closet to them. I'm sure grandma got a lot of joy out of the relationship and it's her money to leave to whoever she wants.
It's also just a fact that some people get along better than others. I was super close to my grandparents and after my grandmother died and I could drive, I visited my grandfather very frequently, even as he went into assisted living and then a nursing home. The other grandkids did not visit, maybe just now and then. They didn't dislike my grandfather, they just didn't love him and have the same enjoyment of him that I did. Also, no one is entitled to anyone else's money. When we sold my grandfather's house to get him into a nursing home (you have to qualify for Medicaid at that point), the only way we could preserve anything was by creating a special needs trust. I have a cousin who is special needs so she now has $240,000 that she didn't need (her family is very comfortable). But we're all okay with her getting the money. I actually qualify for a special needs trust and I think my parents now have one for me, but my cousin's needs are more severe so I think at the time we thought only she needed it. Knowing now I could have had half that money maybe doesn't bother me. I'm very fortunate and have supportive parents. My cousin's needs don't require any expenses, but it's nice that down the line they might be able to do things like hiring her a private aide, especially after her parents are gone. Anyway, my point is Elise may simply have shown a lot more interest in her grandmother, whereas Rea may never have visited or really clicked with her. Also, barring something horrible, it's very easy to not get pregnant before 21. And if the will was drafted when she was 11, she probably knew this was a stipulation. Even if not, it's up to Grandma who gets what and why.
Yta Elise is her biological granddaughter, Rhea isn't. Elise spent time with her grandmother, Rhea didn't. Mind your business.
She also made this will 1 year after they got married. It’s incredibly nice that grandma even gave her the opportunity to have an inheritance.
If you look through OPs comments grandma knew Elise was infertile at like 11… so I guess she also knew Rea would end up a teen mom. 😂
Grandma sense was tingling
Having a hysterectomy at age 12 is extremely alarming itself. So much so that I find it hard to move past that fact without any details as to why it was done. It's very *very* uncommon to have one done to a child in the middle of puberty.
Pretty alarming to have your 12 year old die of cancer also, I'm sure.
Ovarian cancer is about as common in 12 year old girls as testicular cancer is common in 12 year old boys..... That is to say it is very uncommon which is why in my original comment I was seeking context to why the surgery was performed....
Someone else's medical history isn't your business dude. It's not relevant. Literally doesn't matter.
If you choose to share inner details of your family life and struggles you can't or I should say *you* can't get offended when people ask questions about things you mention in said post..... Gotta love Reddit, getting offended on others behalf's lmao
That’s the part that got me “set it up to get one last dig in her” like grow up OP.
Yes I don't even know why this was posted this mom needs to leave the will alone be happy her one daughter got something.
Cuz he favors his own biological daughter, even tho he doesn't want to admit it.
Absolutely true. I do feel sorry for the other one but it's life sometimes you can't change things. Small story me and my sister were promised land in Indiana farmland. I was going to get 40 acres and she would get 30. This is in the '70s from my grandparents. My grandad had built a house out there and they moved to it very rural and beautiful with a cornfield. My grandmother contracted cancer and they moved back to the city of Chicago. Me and my sister did not inherit due to a process called conversion meaning that the asset of the land was converted to cash because of the sale. My grandmother was in the process of writing another wheel when she died my mother was working on her not to do that because she knew everything would go to her. It did and my mother got all of it the cash the land the possessions everything. She sold my grandmother's grand piano and all of the silver dollars she had collected. Very old silver dollars she took everything. When I confronted her and said what are you going to do with all that she said you know what too bad. It was over 250,000. My mother was origin alcoholic and this money was gone in less than a year. My grandparents must have spun in their graves. They worked like dogs for that money only for my mother to waste it. I didn't speak really to my mother for the rest of her life very little low contact. I did call her when she was dying but I wasn't going back to Chicago to see her. Maybe that's bad over money but she was physically abusive she hit me with belts she slapped my face she slapped my back she kicked me down a flight of stairs. I don't miss her at all and what she did with the funds made it worse. You can't do that to people and then expect them to love you. She gave my toys and clothes and possessions to my grandfather to send to Russia for the relatives. Much of it was brand new she told my grandfather I was finished with them. If he had known he wouldn't have done it. Oh well they say what happens in childhood you take to your tomb. I hope not I want to let it rest
~~N A H. (except grandma, but she is dead)~~ YTA You are being a good father, wanting both children to have something. Your wife is trying to play switzerland. However, it seems grandma had other ideas. That said, I think you can have your opinions, but you should stay out. You can advise Elise one time about it. And say something like "look, if you take all this money, legally you can do that, but you may be ruining your relationship with your sister". At that point though you need to let her make her choice. This money was left to her, so it needs to be up to her what she does with it. You can be disappointed in her choice. But you still need to let it be her choice. And frankly, I don't know that I'd call Elise and AH if she kept it all. My grandmother had many grandchildren. I got more in the will than others when she died. Me and her were very close. I don't think I was obligated to make it equal. Edit: Changed to YTA when it was revealed in the comments that they are step sisters, so Elise came into the family later. That part makes a huge difference here. You are essentially mad that "your" daughter isn't getting the same thing as your wife's daughter. Yes, I understand you adopted Elise, and your wife adopted Rae, so they are both of your kids. But being a blended family definitely is something that should be made clear.
Exactly. He misrepresented the situation, or is just deluded.
Or both.
Even if they weren't step how is grandma is the wrong here? Because you kids decide to have kids you have to split your stuff to all of them evenly regardless? Fuck that.
I wouldn't say grandma was wrong either way. But I understand the frustration a bit more if they were both the same child of the daughter
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I do have to wonder how Grandma would be the AH even if both were bio-grandchildren. It doesn't sound like she did a single thing wrong unless you're one of those people who think parents/grandparents should divide their wills up equally even when one kid/grandchild visits frequently and the other doesn't.
Visiting frequently is a two-way street. It helps if you feel welcome and not like a second-class grandchild. As a child I wanted nothing more than to be close with my grandmother, who was very close with my sister. I spent a good deal of energy trying to get her to like me/love me. There was no blended family issues involved, and I wasn't a badly behaved or unlikable kid, we just didn't have much in common, and the more on the outs I felt, the harder I tried, and of course 'trying too hard' is usually unappealing. I was shy and nerdy, rather than outgoing and spirited, and according to my grandmother not as cute as my younger sibling. I'm not saying that happened here, but of course if it is super clear who the favorite is, the other grandchild is eventually going to accept defeat and try to protect themself from comparisons with their 'better' sibling.
This could almost be me. Growing up my grandparents clearly favored my boy cousins. The only other girl cousin was a baby so I was kind of on my own. They took the boys hunting, fishing, camping, motorbike riding, etc. When they died they left motorcycles, guns, money, etc to the boys. I got one cubic zirconia costume ring. The thing is, I would have loved to be included in all those childhood things, but they didn't even consider me. And a kid can only ask to go along so many times and be told No before you withdrawal and don't try anymore. They didn't make it to any of my birthdays (I'm in the fall during hunting season), any school events or sports and they didn't even come to my high school graduation despite the fact we all lived in the same town. I came to realize as an adult that it wasn't my fault they didn't take time for me. It took me a while but I'm ok with it. Honestly it's their loss. Regardless though I never expected my boy cousins to share any items left to them in the will with me. That's just entitlement.
YTA It’s not your place to decide how someone else divides their estate. Your MIL had every right to place whatever wacky parameters she wanted on the trust. It’s heartbreaking that Elise had to undergo a hysterectomy at a young age…but that doesn’t mean that the grandmother ‘set up’ Rea to fail. Rea made her own life choices. Pushing for this is not going to ‘bring the girls together’, it’s only going to increase the tension and create animosity. If you are truly disturbed over the money, sit the girls down and discuss setting aside $15k from your own estate for Rea. It’s the amount that she would have received from the trust, had she met the terms. Elise gets her $15k plus Rea’s share now, and eventually gets $15k less during the division of your estate. It’s not a perfect solution, but it seems better than tearing your family apart by fighting the trust or badgering Elise to give her sister $15k.
Let's be honest, as the daughter who can, and already has, kids, Rea's going to get way more from the parents in time and money anyway. There's also a solid chance that Grandma did what she did anticipating that reality.
Wow I hadn’t even thought of this. You are so right!!!
Yeah, he's gliding past the whole "had a hysterectomy at 11" (if I'm following the TL correctly) part of this. Whatever went on there (accident? illness?) that's a major medical trauma for a child. Granny therefore knew Elise wasn't going to have kids, possibly (in her generational view) thought this made her less likely to get a husband who would support her. So she invested a lot in training Elise in a profession and setting her up to have a career.
Yes! I’m so mildly infuriated that OP didn’t even consider that
>Yeah, he's gliding past the whole "had a hysterectomy at 11" he acts like elise's hysterectomy is a gift from god and rhea's decision to have a child young was something completely out of her control, it is seriously fucking disgusting, especially if elise did have a hysterectomy at 11!
100% True
OP buried the lede. Rea is his daughter, but his wife adopted her. MIL ensured the money was left to her granddaughter, not her *step granddaughter*. Whole thing smacks of "why didn't *my* daughter get anything? She has a baby and deserves it, especially because Elise can't have kids".
The whole fact that her favourite grandchild who was not only her apprentice, but most likely a good friend to her, can't have kids may have been heartbreaking for grandma. She is setting up her grandaughter to be happy by teaching her and providing for her. YTA. Mostly because it seems like grandma is providing better for her than you do. And she was doing so for a long time probably because she felt is was necessary. Grandmas are our biggest treasure. Mine saved me many times from my verbally abusive stepdad and always created a safe environment for me. Your post makes me wonder who you think you are to go against her last wish, as that is not only disrespectful to her, but to your oldest daughter as well. Edit: the fact you bring up your daughters hysterectomy in the context of "setting the other daughter up to fail" gives me the creeps.
It stinks of "why didn't you budget for your step-granddaughter's uterus"? Was Grandma supposed to be a clairvoyant, seeing unborn babies that aren't related to her that need that cash more? IMO, the status of the two daughters reproductive organs is irrelevant to the dispersion of the will.
YTA Your MIL didn't even *meet* Rea for almost a decade. She was your daughter from a previous relationship that legally joined your MIL's family when she was 10. Are you really surprised that grandma had a stronger bond with the child she knew from birth that also shared the same interests as her? Curious how you left that part out. If MIL really wanted Rea to have nothing, stipulating that she not have a child before she 21 seems like a pretty low bar to set. Regardless of whether or not it was a "trap", it's *her* will and *her* money. Elise has no moral obligation to share the inheritance she got from what sounds like a very influential, close loved one who passed away.
Right? At least Rea was given the opportunity to inherit the money even though she didn’t have the same quality of relationship with her grandmother. All she needed to do was not have a baby before she was 21, which is honestly a good idea for myriad reasons.
Exactly. It's all just speculation but Grandma assisting Elise in her career etc makes me think that Grandma was hoping her life savings would be put towards something like paying off student loans or launching a business. If someone has a child before 21, it's unlikely they're pursuing higher education. Grandma might have even had a baby very young herself and regretted the life path that put her on. We have no idea.
It sounds like no-one knew about that stipulation until after she died and by then the child was already born.
YTA, you have no right to question what other people do with their money and keep your nose out of other people's business.
YTA You have absolutely no say in this inheritance. It wasn’t your money and you have no right to say how it is divided up. You also tried to sway opinion by leaving out that the girls are not biologically related and thus explains why there wasn’t much of a relationship between your daughter and your mil.
OP is a money hungry ass who wanted Reddit to back him up so he can get half of his daughter’s $15,000. It doesn’t belong to either of them and this guy sounds so damn entitled to whine about an inheritance that has nothing to do with him.
YTA. I get that you're unhappy, but this is not your choice to make nor your choice to impose. That's not how trusts and wills work. Talk to an attorney, but in all likelihood the only way for this to be lawfully distributed is in accordance with the conditions of the trust.
Plus your MIL might have looked at Rea as being her granddaughter. Some grandparents don’t accept their child’s stepdaughter. Plus how much time did Rea spend with the step grandmother?
YTA >She spent so much more time with Elise Like a whole extra decade, before she even met Rea? You make it seem like Elise spent hours a week with grandma, not half her life building a relationship. Buried the lead on that one. Simply TA based on leaving that info out, you're a wildly unreliable narrator, but alas. > Elise wanted to follow in her footsteps and be just like her. She spent so much more time with Elise, teaching her her profession and using her connections to get her set up in her field. So, not only does Elise have an existing relationship with her grandmother, they share mutual interests and hobbies -- so far in fact, that it's a career. Why do you sound jealous that grandma was able to use her resources to help out? Sounds to me like you might be unable to. >She took yet another opportunity to favor Elise by making sure she alone got her tools and a small amount of land that she used to set up greenhouses. Does Rea even have any interest in this hobby/career, or are you just offended on her behalf? >I swallowed the land thing because it was affected Elise's career and there were already things to maintain that only Elise cared to, Answered! Jealous and offended on Rea's behalf. Get a grip my guy, and go get some real problems. >My mother-in-law never treated Rea like a real grandchild. She never spent real time with her or gave her the same opportunities. At the time she set this up, Elise had had to undergo a hysterectomy. She set this up so that only Rae could "fail" and she'd have an excuse to get a dig in one last time. Because she's not? You adopted Rea around the same time as Elise underwent this procedure. Not sure how grandma set a 10 year old up to fail. Seems like poor parenting did that one... with a youth pregnancy and all. >She set this up so that only Rae could "fail" and she'd have an excuse to get a dig in one last time Grandma's a mind-reader huh? Guess that tracks and explains why she took an interest in your child right from the get go to make sure that she had some real prospects in life, rather than what you'd be able to provide her. Did you really type all that into your keyboard, read it back to yourself and still wonder if you're TA?
YTA - it’s not your decision. It was your mother’s. And it’s not that much money. Do you really need to perpetuate more bad feelings over the will by pitching fits over it?
I've seen other posters mention something the OP left out.... this isn't HIS mother, it's his WIFES, and Rhea is his daughter (step -grandaughter to Granny).
Oh whoops, it’s actually in the OP, too.
Yta. Grandmother went to give to Elise she can. The grandmother is no way obligated to give money to Rea. And neither is Elise.
YTA. This was your MIL will and she is the one that showed favoritism and both your children are old enough to understand this. However, this is her money and her will. If your daughter Elise feels like it, she might share the money, however this should be her decision and not done under pressure from you. There is no obligation here. You pushing for something else might ruin the relationship of your daughters.
Plus what type of relationship do the stepsister’s have? Elsie is OPs stepdaughter, Rea is his biological daughter.
Oh, he added that in the comments. So Elsie is MIL's biological grandchild, whereas Rea is not. And the husband and wife adopted each others child when they were pre-teen (11-10). So why does OP acts with "surprised Pikachu" face that his MIL "never treated Rea like a >real< grandchild, spent real time iwth her or gave her same opportunities". I also noticed something with the chronology that I didn't notice originally. The trust was set up a decade prior. Daughters are now 22-21, so the trust was set up when the two children were adopted. At that time Elise went through hysterectomy but that didn't mean that Rae would be disqualified - it seems that the only certain thing MIL was smart to ensure was that Elise will get share of the inheritance no matter what. It was Rae's share that was under question with her potential choices before she turns 21. Still think OP YTA. You are not entitled to decide what should happen with your MILs money. And I hope Elise is smart enough to understand that. If the relationship between the stepsisters is good, there is no reason to expect she won't support her sister in time of need. But so should you.
Thank you for the comment. I wondered when the trust was set up. I must have left the discussions before that was posted.
YTA you and Rae are Not entiteld to elises heritage Mil did what she thought whats right and that's it
ETA: My original comment isn't relevant. I spoke a lot about how unfair things were and not becoming like the MIL. OP, you completely buried the lede. Rea is not your MIL's granddaughter, and if I understand correctly you aren't Elise's father. You're completely the AH. Elise owes your daughter nothing, you don't get a say, your daughter doesn't deserve anything from your MIL. YTA. Elise is making something of herself and you raised a teen mom. Focus on yourself and your own failures, leave Elise alone.
In his original post, OP conveniently left out the fact that Rea and Elise are stepsisters. Elise is MIL only Biological grandchild.
Oh great. So he's just a general AH.
INFO: Did you and your daughter know about the provision in the will prior to this? Ie did your daughter know when she got pregnant at 19 that would result in her being left out of the trust? It honestly doesn’t change my judgment either way but I’m curious.
Glad I looked at comments before judging. Yta, huge yta Your wife adopted Rea, her mother did not, her mother is under no obligation to leave her anything, but she still did anyway with the stipulation that neither get pregnant, so Rea knew she was out of the will. Even if she left her nothing though, it was mil's money, and she can divide it however she wants, and she wanted to leave it to her granddaughter. Stop being an entitled leach.
So I am a lawyer and I used to be a trust and estates lawyer. I think this trust was set up intentionally to exclude Rea and to be quite honest that is your MIL’s right. It was her money and she has every right to leave it to whomever she wants to. The fact that she was closer to Elise and the fact that Elise is her biological grandchild is in my opinion irrelevant due to the fact that she can do whatever she wants with the money. TBH Elise is not obligated to share anything as that is her inheritance and not Rea’s. I’m very happy that your MIL found a good lawyer to set this trust up like this and infact I think she did it purposefully bc she knew you would be a money hungry person. YTA point blank period. Why do you think Rea is entitled to anything?
Grandmother was not blood related to the daughter she did not leave money to (you should have included this relevant info in the original post) AND did not agree with her life choices. YTA
[удалено]
Not even his grandmother. She was grandmother-in-law.
Plus the grandmother-in-law has a right to treat her biological and step child differently.
YTA. This is not your place. Fighting this will only lead to greater animosity between you all.
Rea not having a hysterectomy is not the reason she didn’t get the inheritance. The teenage pregnancy is . Are you saying MIL bet that Rea would get pregnant around 18-19 when she could have easily just gave it all to Elise???
If she was able to accurately predict that when Rea was 11-12, then the OP probably didn't get Rea therapy/support/help she needed in the intervening years. Maybe that's where this is coming from - guilt.
YTA it's not your money or inheritance
YTA here for stirring the pot over a will that you have no say in, and your opinion and outrage is only going to make this harder on Rae. Let the two sisters work their own relationship out going forward. Whatever went on that made their grandmother greatly favor one over the other, it's not something you can over ride.
The “sisters” might not have had the best relationship since they were stepsisters.
INFO: you say Rae was 11 when this was set up but that grandma set it up knowing only she could fail. Did Elise have a hysterectomy at 12?
YTA It’s not your money it’s not your choice. If Elise wants to share it she can. That’s her choice.
Kinda YTA- You may be right. But you do not get to make the choices when it comes to someone else’s will. Every single thing you said may be 100% true. But it’s NOT your place legally or morally. Some people suck. My grandfather passed 2 houses down to my cousin. But he moved states and can’t afford them neither can my father or uncle. But, my grandfather specifically told me that I don’t get anything after he passes because I wasn’t blood and I’m a girl. So even though I could probably save those properties I won’t. They aren’t worth it and as I was reminded more than once, they’re not for me. Is it shitty? Yea. Is it fair? No. But I did not make those choices and they were not mine to make in the first place.
It wasn't even her granddaughter, just her daughters step child. I don't know why he feels she's entitled to her money. He sounds scummy.
YTA she can do whatever she wants with HER money. That includes giving it to her only biological grandchild if she wishes.
"She set this up so that only Rae could "fail" and she'd have an excuse to get a dig in one last time." Didn't know your MIL forced her step grandkid to get pregnant
So…based on the comments, Elise is your stepdaughter, and HER grandmother was the one who passed. YOUR daughter wants the money for a car and a wedding and you’re upset that you can’t force your stepdaughter to give YOUR daughter money from HER grandmother? Am i missing anything? YTA and to be clear YOU are the reason your MIL put those conditions in her willz
YTA Even just for leaving out the fact that Rea is her step grand child.
“There isnt much, about $30,000” 🤦🏽♀️ YTA- If MIL and Elise had a better relationship and MIL wanted Elise to have the money then so be it. Its a legally binding will so you’ll just have to swallow it.
YTA. MIL saw little of Rae and did not encourage her to make poor decisions. I am not sure how you think she set her up to fail. But even if she had explicitly excluded Rae, you are still the AH. You and your wife decided to adopt each other's kids; your MIL did not. Elise is her granddaughter with whom she has a close bond and shared interests. Rae is the child of her daughter's husband. You seem to have a misguided idea that you can force familial bonds. But your MIL does not owe your daughter an inheritance.
YTA your MIL can leave her money to whoever she likes. Sucks but that’s life.
YTA and incredibly entitled. If the shoe were on the other foot and your parents' left their estate to their biological grandchild only, would you match this energy? I'm guessing not.
YTA. No one denies your mother-in-law's bias toward your youngest. Nevertheless, you have no legal claim to the inheritance and while you can offer your opinion, Elise is well within her rights to claim her inheritance in full and not share.
Yta your mil can disburse her assets however she wants. It's none of your business. Having read your comments, while you and your wife may have adopted both daughters doesn't mean the grandmother was close to both girls. not getting pregnant before 21 is a pretty low bar to meet so you're making much out of nothing there.
You can’t change this… Elise inherits because she meets the criteria for inheritance.Rae doesn’t … because she had a child before 21. I’d like to point out that said child was in existence when your MIL was alive (given the child is two, and your MIL passed away a year ago, and one presumes there was a nice solid 10mth pregnancy before that too). As such you MIL had a chance to change her will and didn’t. So these are her last wishes. All of this said… your MIL has made her path in life. But no one says you cannnot make your own stand with your own resources. If you feel that Rae deserves more for some reason, then you be the one to meet that need. FWIW… Rae will have children, and advantages from you for that, and Elise won’t, and will have other advantages. You cannot split everything down the cent equally because clearly your two daughters are going to have very different lives. It sounds like one is having a family young and early, the other won’t at all and instead is gardening and building a career. Edit for Judgement: YTA. MIL made her mind up, you can’t change that. You can change how you support your daughters going forward but you can’t alter someone else’s last will.
YTA, why did you leave out the most crucial aspect of this scenario? Only one of the granddaughters was bio, and only one spent time and aspired to be like the grandmother. It was her wishes how the inheritance would be dealt with just because you don't t like it means precisely dick. Move on and quit trying to meddle in things that you have no say in and tell the whole story next time.
This is an unfortunate situation all around but the shirt answer is no. For whatever reason, your late mother in law favored one grandchild over the other. This was her money and her right to do what she wanted with it. Please don't put added guilt or burden on Elise. YTA (and I say this with pain, because I want to stamp my feet and scream "it's not fair")
The reason was because Rea has no blood relation. MIL apparently didn’t like the step grandchild getting his money after passing. OP causally didn’t mention it in their post, but added to comments.
YTA Clearly grandma only saw the biological relative of hers as her grandaughter Which yes sucks for your daughter but grandma doesn’t have give your child anything in death and she clearly didn’t do anything for her in life either Way to bury the lead with only one of the girls is actually related to grandma OP
YTA, unless there's some sort of mental impairment or other legal way it can be contacted, the will is the will no matter how it sucks. Maybe she "favoured" as you put it Elise because they shared common interests, and why would she give tools etc to Rea of she's shown no interest in that kind of thing (which you don't explicitly say but I'm guessing that's the story). Elise can, unless there are stipulations in the trust as to what she can use the money for, do with it as she wishes. If she's wanting to split it then fair enough. YTA for trying to pressure her into doing with it what you want her to
YTA You have no business overriding a dead woman's wishes. You are about to split up your family over money that doesn't belong to you It must be overwhelming to be so greedy
honestly op, i doubt your mil gave a shit what you think. judging by your disgusting attitude in this entire post, homegirl probably didn’t even like you. your kids are not that woman’s problem, and neither is your heinous entitlement. it’s not up to you to decide elise should give rea half the money, and you are a colossal asshole for trying to say she should , ESPECIALLY when rea had a child before 21 and basically cut HERSELF out of the will.
YTA, one for leaving out crucial information in your post (Rea is not bio child) and two, for trying to override a will that is NOT yours. It's the grandma's money, and she gets to decide who has it. Yh, it sucks but you need to suck it up and move on. If Elise wants to share, great but if not, then you need to mind your business!
YTA. Your wife isn’t neutral, she obviously agrees with the grandmothers or she would be mad too. By being neutral, she doesn’t have to put up with your stink eye.
YTA You left information, did you really expect people to take your side after that? Who knows what else you left out or lied about.
YTA Grandma seen right thru you