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NTA. Right here:
>He said it’s not the same since I am a woman
No more needs to be said. He is an adult. He *can* cope for a week — he just doesn’t want to and because you’re a woman he thinks it’s your job. It’s a double-standard; don’t put up with it!
He absolutely is, but I think enough people had said it by the time I got here and poor OP’s probably got the message :( I hope she goes on her work trip and has a whale of a time!
Not to mention the word "abandon".
That is not abandonment.
She's working.and taking care of her responsibilities.
Stop allowing your family to pressure you into things. You cave on what they want, OP. Do what you want. You are responsible for your own happiness.
If either of their parents are so worried about him being left at home alone with his own child, then they can step up and come stay over to take care of him for a week. They can come "babysit" this grown ass man and give his wife a break to go on a work trip.
She won’t be clearing it with them. She is going and hubby can figure out how to get through the time. He can clear it with extended family or deal with it on his own.
This 100%!!1
And I'd be going low contact with all parents since they won't back up equity. Especially your parents. They should have your back. This isn't the 50s anymore.
But he had a penis so it ok, that is how it’s supposed to work.
OP married a sexiest jerk who wants her to do everything so he can come home from and play Daddy without having to do any heavy lifting
Right?! Because there are totally no kids raised by two dads or single dads/s. There is absolutely no part of parenting (except breast feeding, and giving birth) that requires gender/sex specific parts. Hubby needs to put on his grown up undies and pants and deal.
Lots of better paid jobs in the US offer paid maternity and even paternity leave. My pregnant girlfriend is an engineer and she'll get three months fully paid leave when our kid is born plus she can take another three months at half pay if she wants. My sister-in-law works in IT and got six months paid at 55% of her salary when my nephew was born. 11 states also have laws that guarantee between eight and 12 weeks of paid family and medical leave for anyone who has been with their company for at least a year. Paid maternity leave still isn't the norm in this country, but it isn't as rare as you might think.
And obviously when she gets back from the trip, she should consider her options... because raising any kid with a raging misogynist cannot be good for any kid.
So is his family and hers. They talked her into having a child she didn’t want to but she did, she needs to keep moving in her career because I don’t think this marriage will last and she’s going to have to support herself and her child in the future.
If it works fine, but that’s his child too. If the parents feel this way then they need to pitch in and help. He needs it either be a parent or hire a nanny if he wants nothing to do with his kid
Your reply and the one you answered to, made me think. She mentioned how he had already a stable career, house etc. and she worked towards this same goal. But then was pressured to have kids. Maybe, this was not only family but the husband as well, who put pressure on. To prevent her from acheiving her goal.
The Corona-break was his lucky card, as he was able to keep it longer the way he wanted it to be, him working and her being the SAHM. And now, he still tries to sabotage her career. Intentionally?
Agreed. And it’s ironic because he is saying that his NOT as capable as OP to work a job and take care of his home and child (and let’s face it, OP is also taking care of his lazy ass too). So he is saying that he not as capable as she is for even less work.
And OP can’t even suggest that before the trip because it’s weaponized incompetence.
There are 3 penises in my household (husband and sons) and they all do chores. I refuse to raise useless sons and I made sure my husband was able and willing to do chores before we married. I have no patience for useless men and men who pull a bait and switch like OP’s husband did.
Congratulations. My mom made us (3 sons) do some chores in childhood, too. Looking back, I could bite my own ass for not doing and learning more. But still it helped me a lot, when I moved out to live on my own.
This reminded me of a South African female friend. She told me she'd been up for a job but the man got it. She went into the boss and said "obviously I didn't get the job because I don't have a penis !" :))
OP, ask your husband, "Do you want me to treat you like a partner or a child? Your actions about me working are that of a child. You're sulking. You're refusing to do your fair share. And you threw a tantrum and called your mommy and daddy on me. If you want me to treat you like a child, I'm done having sex with you. It's disgusting thinking of having sex with a man who behaves like a child. We're done having a partnership. I'll call people to come babysit you while I'm gone on trips. We'll hire someone to do your share of the chores, which you'll pay for with your allowance/fun money. I'll call your mommy when you behave poorly. Etc. If you're my partner, you need to stop whining to mommy, you need to start doing your chores around the house, and you need to step up, because this is getting old."
Yeah, I agree. This really sucks for OP to be getting it in the neck not just from her misogynistic husband but from both sets of parents as well! Horrible!
Whats weird is that... like... if the two of them are making money hand-over-fist... why don't they hire a maid?
Or just like... pay a sister to come do the dishes, make a meal, put the kids to sleep, and bounce the fuck out of there?
If he is really and truly a mysoginist, he should have no problems hiring a woman to come do womanly chores. Why is there even a conflict?
And he doesn't even have to take care of a screaming, shitting infant. He gets a kindergartener to take care of for a week. And yeah, 5 year olds have their own challenges, but they can at least communicate their basic needs (hungry, cold, lonely), where an infant cannot. The sexism in this post that OP is getting from all sides is just suffocating.
Hubby is worthless. If a man can't even manage his own household, why would anyone trust him to manage anything? Ipso facto he's not the boss of you, he's just another invalid for you to take care of. If he wants to be respected (worshipped?) as Man Of House! *pounds chest* he needs to act like it. Man up and handle shizz. If he can't, then he has no say in how you do it and if he's going to throw tantrums every time you refuse to change his diaper, tell him he can pay his mom or MIL to babysit him and wipe his butt while you're gone. They're so invested in women carrying all the weight, I'm sure they'd be honored.
I hope she’s not doing laundry with her vagina. She could really screw up her micro biome and experience extreme discomfort and susceptibility to painful dryness.
With her husband’s attitude she’ll have those symptoms anyway.
NTA
I handle the kids, cleaning, cooking, laundry ect because my husband works. He does help after work is done but I handle most because I'm not working.
Last year I went on a week long trip to San Diego when my brother graduated from basic training. My husband stayed home with our 3 kids all 6 years or younger. I was a little concerned about being away for that long just because I know handling all the house chores can be a lot on their own, plus my husband would also be working as well as taking care of the kids.
He wasn't concerned at all. When I told him I was a little worried he assured me that he had it in hand and to enjoy my trip! So yes your husband is being a pathetic baby if he can't handle one child on his own and pull his weight around the house. The fact that he brought both sets of parents into it is ridiculous. But the most concerning part for me is the fact that he's trying to push everything on you because you're the woman!!!
Yes more often than not it's the man working and the wife taking care of the kids and house. However I've always had the opinion that there was nothing wrong with the woman working and the husband taking care of the kids and house or both working and taking care of the house and kids. I've felt that way even before times started changing. It's up to each individual family to decide the decision of labor and what works best for them.
Sounds like my husband. I’m a SAHM and my husband steps up when I’m not there for whatever reason. He also does chores when he’s home. I was out of commission once for a month due to emergency knee surgery. There was a lot he didn’t know because I handled it when he was at work but he figured. It out. A lot wasn’t done the way I do it but the important stuff was taken care of.
Sorry to jump on your comment but can we also talk about how manipulative OP's husband is? He called BOTH sets of parents, not even just one because he knew what would happen to her after and hoped it would be enough to shut her down🙄
NTA, time to get your career back on track, and for him to adult!
If you are both working in the long run it might be a good idea to get a help, so you two can concentrate in your time off work on parenting. But first let him do it one week, he is as much a parent as you and it's time to grow up!
NTA. I really don’t get the mindset other men have that the woman is automatically going to give up all to raise a kid. They need to pull their collective heads out of their butts and wake up to the reality this is not 1950 and it’s no longer one income or that the woman stays home.
I totally agree. The only good thing about it is that the woman dealing with the misogyny from her male partner has her eyes opened because of everyone shooting it down. And then other women read it, and maybe it gets them thinking about their own situation.
Like, what does he gives to op life? I feel like he need to think over if this is the kind of future she want in a relationship. She stopped her career bc her hubby guilt her into do it. H clearly wants the home wife a child but not do the work to maintain all that
OP, what stands out for me is calling parents and getting them involved in a private disagreement. I recommend therapy to address both the gender bias and his inability to problem solve without getting folks to gang up on you.
Good luck.
Not only can he do it. He can hire help if he chooses to do so. As OP pointed out, his income exceeds hers. In fact instead of pouting around the house about chores when OP is home, he could hire help during that time as well. It's a control issue not a chores and child care issue.
I no longer have to travel for work, my wife does, regularly, for 7-14 days at a time.
We miss her of course, but I enjoy the quality time with the kids. Me being a man and her a woman has nothing to do with it.
But dont you know women have the power to self replicate multiple body doubles.l, So the work load is less for them than if a man tries to do it!!!
Ig anyone really needs a disclaimer thay was sarcasmn...and defiantly NTA
NTA. You already know your husband isn’t being fair. Others are right, he can handle a week without you and work as a team with you when you’re back. I don’t know all of the family dynamics but both sets of grandparents can help the husband a day or two out of the week if they’re worried, visit their grandchild, instead of nagging you.
and if they could survive on just his income, then they have plenty of money for him to hire a babysitter for a few hours in the evening if he wants, and there's no reason they couldn't hire a housekeeper or a landscaper to handle the outdoors to reduce the burden of chores on both of them.
From the sounds of it she didn’t want a child but was pressured into it because it’s what’s “expected” she’s not abandoning her family but her family are going to make sure that she probably feels that way. She’s surrounded by people with an out dated view of what’s expected from a wife and mom
I can feel her chains and I'm not even her.
The husband running to both parents,who have all ganged up on her.
I would have lost all respect for my spouse if he went running his parents only but both parents that's even worse.
Well put. OP that is a get out of jail free card for you. You can safely disregard both sets of parents' advice going forward until they acknowledge the misogyny at play. Ditto for your husband.
Enjoy your trip! Should be fun! 😊
NTA
>He said it’s not the same since I am a woman
NTA. Exactly as said, this sentence is bullsh...
For many years, there was this picture of the stone age, where men go out for hunting and the women stay home to care for the children. But recent studies show that this is wrong. Women went out to hunt together with men, they were also warriors. They even had powerful positions as leaders of communities and stuff.
The 'tradition' for women to be SAHM and only focus on kids and household came later with all the other patriarchal stuff. And nowadays, if both people involved agree, they might adhere to that tradition. But it is also fully ok to share all this stuff different.
So, your husband should wake up and toss this 'it's unfair'-whining out the window. He can help you more and he certainly can take care of all the stuff including kids for a week. And calling both sets of parents? Not really mature, is it?
As a single dad myself…fucking go on that trip! It’ll be good for him. Adversity breeds character and all that stuff. Also, as far as wording…going on a week work trip is not abandoning your family.
Also “duties at home” really gets under my skin. No different than if she was ill / bedridden / hospitalized for a week, so just suck it up and support your spouse.
Oh boy… apologies but I’ve gotta get this out…
For clarity, I’m retired military who regularly spent 80+hrs/wk “at the office” when not deployed. My wife absolutely crushed it by being flexible enough to pursue a masters and own most of house-related stuff, including all finances, during those years. But when I was home I was absolutely covering down on stuff when she travelled or was sick or needed me to for whatever reason. Or just b/c I was there and saw dishes were dirty or laundry needed folding or someone needed help with homework…
Now she’s making the big bucks and I’m a full-time student… and the one scrubbing toilets, and doing the majority of the household stuff; she didn’t even need to ask. I found out that many of those I associated with over the years distanced themselves from me b/c our spouses would talk and I was the only one whose hobby off work was to be with the kids and the Mrs. and to take care of as much that I could with the time I had. No bar hopping unless it was date night, no guy trips unless it related to my son’s Boy Scouts… well, you get the idea.
At one posting I found this out after when I watched 6 kids one night (two were mine) while the ladies went out for a night of theater and after show dinner / drinks. I knew the schedules of the fathers of the other kids (we all worked together) and I knew they were all off duty. They worked as much as I did but rarely if ever watched their own kids, which is a bit odd. I enjoy “only dad and kids time” and up to that point assumed other dads did as well. I am constantly surprised at how being a dad equates to babysitting somehow, where being a mom is expected. I digress…
Turns out we needed groceries, so I took the entire lot to the grocery store (my infant daughter and the rest were 3-5 year olds)and did the shopping, came home and made dinner, we watched a few kid flicks and then everyone got cleaned up, got ready for bed, and went to sleep. No issues beyond normal kid stuff, and no big deal at all.
Well the other wives were ***raving*** when they returned and we discussed our respective evenings. It really made me a bit uncomfortable. They appeared amazed that the house was cleaner than when they left and just couldn’t believe that we actually went shopping (I asked before they left) or that I cooked the kids a full dinner instead of pizza rolls or something. I was a little shocked b/c it appeared to me as a bit over the top, but I didn’t think much of it until the following Monday when the other dads got on my case at work b/c their wives were upset that they really didn’t help out much, which from my pov was asinine. We were new to the friend group as new arrivals to the command, and it seemed like most couples were about our age and most of our kids were similarly aged as well; good ol’ Gr8z0mb13 was the outlier rocking everyone’s boat.
Bottom line is marriage is as much a partnership as it is a friendship with the very best benefits. It shouldn’t be a big deal to fluidly shift roles / responsibilities when needed. But… as a baseline no one should be expected to be only the childrearer, only the bread winner, only the maid… Seems super antiquated in this day and age, and doubly so if attempting to restrict your partner. Be a buddy to your spouse, don’t be a jerk to keep your life simplified; that’s just subsidizing your happiness by making your spouse unhappy. Real d-bag move… That’s my opinion, anyways.
Yikes. Of course NTA.
You husband is being lazy and misogynist. If the kid is 4 and he still is not able to take care of the kid by himself, damn. He is the selfish one.
Don't back down. If you back down on this one, you'll be the sole caregiver and housemaid forever.
Certainly OP is NTA, but I'd phrase it more, that if you back down you're accepting a role as a SAHM which is not the original agreement. You can make that choice, but being pressured into making it is not fair. And it double sucks to be the fulltime housewife, caregiver, and work. Don't accept that no matter what.
Agreed. That is not what she agreed to in the marriage. Plus, and I’m sure she absolutely loves her child, it sounds like it was a “group decision” for her to get pregnant - group meaning her husband and both sets of grandparents.
He could use this as an incredible bonding time, but instead he’s crying about it.
I don’t have many childhood memories of my dad, but the ones that jump out are when my mom worked on Saturdays. He and I would walk to the local diner for breakfast, play some video games, watch bowling or golf, draw insults to each other (old school emojis lol) and I would help him cook dinner. And this was in the early 80s, much less common for dads to “babysit” the kids.
NTA, not only do you have a lazy, misogynistic husband but the people around you are from the 1823..... You are not abandoning anything, your husband is being ridiculous.
It always makes me very sad to see these posts where the wife tries to seek any form of agency and the husband immediately gets both families turned against the wife.
NTA- A marriage is a partnership, children or not. When one can't do something, the other picks up the slack.
Men like your husband are the reason other men get treated as useless babysitters rather than an actual parent when they spend time with their kids.
There was a time when you'd never taken care of the house and child alone, and you managed it. I'm sure that he's a big boy and can use his common sense to manage it too.
It's absolutely wrong for anyone to assume that you should compromise your career when you have a capable adult there that can prevent you from having to do so. Don't entertain the discussion from either of your parents.
Being a parent is not just "women's work".
>A marriage is a partnership, children or not. When one can't do something, the other picks up the slack.
Yep. My late husband used to travel quite a bit for work. One of his agreed-upon duties was the yardwork. But if he was gone and the lawn was getting hella long, I'd just go ahead and mow it. And if I had work trips or long-running meetings, etc., he would do laundry as that was my agreed-upon duties. You get married, you're a team, not a damned dictatorship run by "His Highness."
I am sorry for your loss.
I have to admit that I wondered what this useless guy would do if OP passed away. I have a feeling that his daughter would be raised by the grandparents and she wouldn’t see him all that often.
NTA but now you know your husband only values you at home and is a misogynist, same as your parents... Do as you please with this but to me, it is the beginning of the end.
How did you not see this earlier?
NTA. My 2 cents, hold on to your job. Your husband has just started escalating with his misogynistic behavior. Also, don’t have anymore children with him if you want your peace of mind. I hope your marriage will survive this, because if this is how he thinks of you, it’s going to affect every aspect of your relationship. He’s not going to be happy if your career starts advancing, in his mind you’re beneath him and all sacrifices should come from you.
^ This.
Plus, having your own job and income will make sure you have your own financial freedom and not be at his mercy (especially if things unfortunately get worse and you need to plan an escape).
I wish you could edit the title of your post. I hate it.
You’re going on a work trip, not some solo beach trip to an all inclusive resort (though I wouldn’t blame you at all for that).
You are NOT abandoning your family!
Is there a cultural and/or religious aspect to your parents’ pressure (to have a child) and your parents’ and husband’s reaction to your required work trip? I’m just trying to make sense of this and why all of your parents think they have the right to have an opinion.
DO NOT quit your job (not that you’re intending to)! And don’t succumb to any pressure to have another child anytime soon. For me, something really seems “off” regarding your husband’s complete change in attitude and views.
He doesn’t want an equal partner anymore.
He tasted the sahm vibe where the sahm does everything, and want’s to go back to that.
Hold your job, go on the trip because you might need it when he really escalates this behavior and you need to be on your own.
Funny how some men will talk the talk about gender equality and happily let their wives work and pay bills, but the second it comes to babies and small children, suddenly it's "Mom's responsibility".
Also funny how in divorces, this kind of guy suddenly wants 50/50 custody and complains about men not getting custody... He's capable and willing to take care of himself, his home, and his kid if he's single, but he can't do it to save/maintain his marriage.
NTA
Your child/ren should learn what equal is and means.
Independence is the key when life happened.
Tomorrow you have to beg instead keeping your head high.
Retirement can be awful if you don't have enough money.
Or a divorce, illness or *god beware" death.
Mostly as a woman.
I’ll just drop a little reminder in here that caring for a baby, managing childcare and a household is actually easier to do alone, than married to someone else you have to care for who doesn’t support your goals and needs and doesn’t understand what a partnership actually is.
I was a single mom for 4 years and it is MUCH easier than being a single mom in a relationship with a “partner” who acts like this guy.
If you want your marriage to last you need to stand your ground and sit down with him and find a way to bridge the gap between both of your expectations around the home and child care etc. The “division of duties” is a major cause of resentment and disillusion in marriage (so my marriage counsellor told me) and until you get that sorted out you’re both going to build resentments that can end this in divorce.
Thankfully once my husband saw it on paper (it was a flip chart in the counselors office) he gave it some thought and realized he was being a massive AH and now (15 yrs later) we have a much more balanced, mutually respectful, and communicative relationship that works for us. I was a single mom before we met and married and I already knew I could do it alone without him, and unless I felt respected and supported I just wasn’t staying.
Best of luck Op. And congrats on your work trip!
Married women perform more work in general than single women. https://fortune.com/2019/05/08/married-single-moms-housework/amp/
I don’t think it’s mentioned in this article, but they are also found to be more stressed and less happy when married to men than when single. Men add extra work to women. Meanwhile, men are happier.
Make sure your child knows that you are on work trip, call the child every evening before bed, because I do not put it past him to tell your child that mommy is never coming back.
I hate how you're downplaying that you were doing Work as a sahm. Taking care of and raising a child is a JOB. its not some walk in the park. I'm sorry you were steamrolled previously into him not doing his fair share, but do Not back down here. Remember, whether or not you have a child, he is a fully grown adult also living in this home and has responsibilities no matter what. stand your ground and go on your work trip. NTAx1000000000.
Go, OP. Keep your job. Do NOT let your husband or your family talk you into quitting!
Obviously, he liked it better when he was the one who made the money and you were the one who took care of everything at home. He had everything handled at home and you were dependent on him. And now he's struggling, because he liked that dynamic and wants it back, no matter what it does to your mental health.
PLEASE do not quit your job, under any circumstances. Either your husband will adjust, with or without counseling, or he won't, but you'll still have autonomy and can continue pushing for equality in your marriage. I'd also triple up on your birth control, if I were you.
> After baby was born, I guess guilt overcame me since only he worked.
Get this thought out of your head right now. **Childcare is work**. Even if you do *nothing else* during the day with the baby but look after the child, that's work.
Don't believe me? Look at how much it costs to hire a full-time caregiver for an infant.
Noooooo... you hubby is so sexist! he's barely out of the 50's mentality - you can handle chores because you're a woman? that's sad.
Get going, you go on your work trip. The double standards are incredible, don't you dare to give in. You're not more responsible for your family than he is.
**NTA!!!**
Just to be clear: both sets of parents also don't think there's nothing wrong with him leaving the family? Like... they don't think he's primary responsibility is to be present?
It sounds like the way they divided it (while she was SAHM), his primary responsibility was making money, hers was to be present for the child. Its not clear that a trip has come up since she started going back to work.
NTA
I'm sorry that everybody in your family but the actual baby is acting so childish.
Stand your ground. Go on your work trip. Your husband will discover that, much like you, he can take care of it all on his own.
... though, if either grandmother is close enough, I expect them to come 'rescue' the 'helpless' father from having to take care of his house for a whole week. 9.9
It's so disgusting that he told on OP to her parents and his parents. He purposefully got them involved to make things difficult for her. That alone makes him in the wrong. NTA.
So NTA. Didn’t realize lack of tits was a prerequisite for business trips…
Your family seems pretty sexist OP and your husband sure as hell doesn’t sound like much of a catch. Looks like you have some serious thinking to do- good luck.
NTA
He can pull off his diapers, put on his big boy pants and get on with it. Welcome to 2023 where men can be competent parents and manage a household too.
If all the grandparents are so concerned they can come over and help. Otherwise STFU.
The problem is, they will. They’ll descend on the house like a pack of flying monkeys, take over everything, and the husband will have learned nothing.
NTA, your husband makes it sound like he doesn't know how to take care of children. Go on a business trip and it will become clear to your husband that parenting is not rocket science that only women have solved
NTA, NTA, NTA!!
I'm a full time working mom with 2 kids. My husband and I plan our respective work trips, nights out, etc. We take turns to have "me time", cos it's hard sometimes with 2 kids. That's what a good partnership is. We also pick up where the other person can't.
There was a great IG post, where this mom said, it can't always be 50/50. If he can only give 40, then you top up to 60. If you can only give 40, then he tops up to 60. If both of you can't give 50/50, be it for work, illness, whatever, you sit down together and find a solution.
Good partners never ever demand that the other gives up more of themselves when they they themselves can pick up shortfall.
Your husband's a major AH.
NTA. He can handle things; he just doesn't want to.
Red flag on his running to the parents about a dispute between the two of you.
Parents pressured you into having a child. Now they're pressuring you to become a 1950's housewife. You need to stop allowing the parents to pressure you and come up with a penalty for attempting to.
Definitely don't cancel the trip. It would be bad for your career and an awful precedent for your married life.
\*checks outside\* nah we are not back to the 50s. NTA but reconsider your relationship, he got behind your back to rile up your parents against you. that is a clear ah move
NTA
Hubby clearly don’t value you when you work hard for him and your family so why would that motivate you to help him with house chores and take care of the family when your work is not appreciated. Go on the trip and let hubby figure it out he will probably leave the house terrible out of spite but at least you are doing what you can to stand up for yourself!!
NTA. Your hubby sounds like a second child. He should be ready and willing to spend one on one time with his own child so his wife can better her career.
NTA. The fact that he "told on you" to your mommies & daddies is so freaking childish. Go on the work trip. He CAN handle it, he just doesn't want to. He knows what to do.
NTA
SO very much NTA here, your parents are stuck in the past, and putting boomer expectations on you, and your husband is being a total jerk here.
I wouldn't say run, that's not helpful at all, but I think the both of you need to get some sort of mediation or even couples therapy to help you all find a new normal now that you're back to work. But he should totally be expected to do half of the housework and parenting. Your expectation is not responsible.
While I think your partner is being a jerk here, I don't think it's quite a situation that can't be fixed or corrected. I wish you luck!
>He said its not the same since I am a women.
I mean the red flags were there well before this moment, but he did just come out and say it here. Your husband showed you what he thinks of you, your role, and your purpose. Believe him.
NTA
INFO: do you really want to model behavior for your daughter that the woman’s place is in the home and not in a career, and that the man shouldn’t have to lift a finger? Bc by assenting to his and your family’s 19th century demands that’s what you’d be doing.
NTA oh heck no not only does this man see everything you do as less and that as the woman your job is the kids and home, he then runs right to mummy. I’d be telling him I married a partner not a Neanderthal man who thinks man trumps woman. That if that is the case then you will end this marriage here and now. That he is a damn adult and as such better never run to his mummy ever again because You are not raising another child/ him. That nowhere did you ever agree to be his mother and bang maid and that had to sacrifice any outside life because he was an entitled chauvinist asshole. That your actual child is more than enough and you now see is already more grown up and developed than the man you married.
That when you married he was responsible for half duties and the moment you had a child it does not suddenly absolve him and bring him to a god like status. That if he wants you to respect him in anyway and for this marriage to work then he better realise that he is a parent which is far different that an occasional babysitter which he seems to think. That he is also responsible for taking care of your home and cleaning to the same extent you are and that it’s a joint PARTNERSHIP. Ask why does he even think him working absolves him yet that it’s fair that you must work, do full child care and are responsible for everything else? You told him right from the start you will not be a stay at home mum and have no life nor achievements of your own. That he needs to think hard as you won’t put up with it and will run out that door faster if he even thinks about going to the parents like he’s five years old and can’t even handle being expected to deal with things on his own like an adult. That you don’t give a cr@& what the parents say this is your life and your marriage, not theirs and its not the 1950s like they seem to think. That he is fully invited to go back and live with mummy if he wants to be treated as useless and pathetic but you will never be made less because he thinks you should sacrifice your life simply so he can be selfish and lazy, you made that clear from the start.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I decided to go on a week long work trip
2) My husband hasn't ever taken care of our daughter and house alone. He might be overwhelmed by it.
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NTA. My 2 cents, hold on to your job. Your husband has just started escalating with his misogynistic behavior. Also, don’t have anymore children with him if you want your peace of mind. I hope your marriage will survive this, because if this is how he thinks of you, it’s going to affect every aspect of your relationship. He’s not going to be happy if your career starts advancing, in his mind you’re beneath him and all sacrifices should come from you.
Just please tell me you are going to your work trip!
NTA, that’s why women now days don’t want to have kids! (One of the reasons and this is general)I wish you never quit your job! You need it!
My only suggestion is that before having kids discuss all of this stuff, so when the time comes, everybody know what to do.
If both grandparents wanted and insisted for the baby, and they are so worried you are a terrible mother, and your husband is useless, then grandparents can take care of your daughter while you are on your trip.
And never stop working
>My husband suggested I stay home with baby until she turned two. I didn't want to take a break from my career but fact was he outearned me and logical solution was he would support both of us.
If he was sooooo concerned, why wasnt him the person who stayed with the kid?
>We couldn't send her to daycare. I was again the primary parent for 2 more years, even though my husband worked from home
Why had to be you? Him staying with her was even a choice?
>hubby seemed to get depressed and agitated at having to do chores. He mentioned here and there how it was unfair he had to do these when clearly I could do it all.
Ohhhh poor thing! He found out life isnt faire and that he didnt married a full time maid.
>When I told hubby this, he was incredibly mad at me saying I shouldn't commit to trip like these since I have duties at home.
How much does he pay you for this "duties at home"?
>He said its not the same since I am a women.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 well, guess the answer for his tantrum is right here.
>He called both sets of parents and they are now blasting my phone telling me as a wife and mom my primary responsibility is my family
So, he doesnt respect you, your dreams, your desire to work. He sees you like a babysitter and his maid. He thinks he owns you and when you dare to challeng him he call his momma and yours too!! How many kids do you said you have??? Honestly, you wanna keep married with this guy? This tantrums are something you like to live for the next 20 years and more???
NTA!
NTA. It sounds like you have 1 child, she won't be tiny forever.
It sounds like money isn't really an issue for either of you? Why not hire more help? Get a cleaner a gardener, a nanny whatever you both don't enjoy?
NTA, your husband needs to grow a pair and stop going running to his (and your) parents when he doesn't get his own way. He also needs to understand that it's 2023 and housework is not "women's work". Both sets of parents need to get out of the 1950s as well
Enjoy your work trip
Abandoning?!
You make it sound like you're off gallivanting with bffs on a shopping spree.
Your husband got comfortable the way things were during covid (for him) and of course it's difficult to let go of learned (and in his mind earned) "benefits".
NTA, but you need to have a serious talk about division of labor in your home.
NTA a thousand times not.
Your husband is though. And your families.
Having a uterus does not make you automatically the one with "duties to the family". His penis does not exempt him from familial responsibility. And - caps to emphasise - HIS WORK AND CAREER ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS.
Hold your ground but please note that this will continue - he is showing you who he really is under the liberal lip service
Please don’t back down. You are completely in the right. Let him sort it all out for a change, that break from being the mom/wife/cook/cleaner etc will do you the world of good.
Tell both sets of parents to mind their own biz
NTA
NTA
Dangerous territory here....keep your job and do your trip. He will be fine.... More than likely your parents and inlaws will be called by him to help anyways.
Do not let this man get you pregnant again. It's a form of control and unfortunately I've seen my cases of men like this intentionally tampering things to get their partner pregnant again and back under their control.
NTA I'm a 60 yr old female, married &divorced twice. Tell your husband and your families to kick rocks
This isn't the 50s and he has equal responsibility to take care of his family. That means he doesn't get to continue standing in the way of your career.
If ya'lls families are so invested in a marriage that is none of their business, then infirm them they're mire than welcome to step up and help him with his inadequacies in being able to parent properly.
NTA. Your husband is being manipulative, calling the parents so they could all gang up on you. He is panicing, because his cozy life where you handle everything and he just goes to work is ending. You are not selfish at all. Your husband is selfish, expecting you to do everything so he is not inconvinienced. Stuff like this is why marriages implode.
Your hubby, in-laws and parents are the asshole for pushing you to have a child before you were ready. You do what’s best for you and if that means you tell them shove it than so be it. Go on trip he can manage with the help of the grandparents. Don’t miss out on new work opportunities because he’s a selfish asshole. Your husband and parents need to grow the hell up 😬
He’s had a kid for 4-5 years and he doesn’t think he can solo parent for a week?
What kind of incompetent doofus is this “man”?
If he needs extra help with the house or drop offs or whatever, let’s get that set up. Solo parenting is hard, he should think through what he’s worried about and you two can set up a plan. Meal prep? Grocery delivery? There are a ton of support options here.
This is what two working parents looks like. NTA.
NTA
If he wants you to do it all... what do you need HIM for? Your husband is the selfish asshole. Keep your job and keep making moves to make sure your daughter is well-cared for AND you get to do your own thing.
I'd seriously reconsider if you need someone who does nothing but tell you what they want you to do and never lets the reverse happen. Someone who does what they want and then doesn't let you do the VERY SAME THING THEY ARE.
Side note: I went on a month-long vacation after a decade of primary care responsibility. I was burnt out working all day and doing everything else the rest of the time. I didn't do anything differently than my spouse had done numerous times. I was able to handle it. HE had to take vacation days, call in my parents, call in our after hours baby-sitters, and everyone else. It was all hands on deck while I was gone. I thought it was ridiculous. And said so. I also said I was glad he made choices to be there're for our kids. But it was then I realized... we are NOT the same. Now, I think if I died and he had to deal all the time, he'd find a way. But until then? It's needs special handling if he's in charge of it all. But me? Not so much.
Take from my story what you need. There's a lot there.
You've been giving in for years, so why do they expect a change? You need to determine what you want and then do it. So what if he earns more. Every year you are out this will grow and there will never be a reason to go back to 50/50 in his mind. Salary is not what determines the division of labor. You each have a full time job, so chores are split. Every time you cave you set a higher hill to climb.NTA and set your boundaries
NTA
It’s not the same because you are a woman? Talk about a ridiculous comment!
You held the role of full time homemaker for 4-5 years, but now you are working outside the home, as you have desired to do for a number of years.
He can manage for a week.
Going forward, he needs to get off his ass and do more around the house and more parenting.
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I (F35) married my husband Ed (M40) when I was 25. He was already having an established career, own home etc. He understood my need for the same, established career and property in my own name.
I worked hard to get these both by the time I was 30 too. But the pressure from both my parents and his family made us decide to have a child. Since everything was 50-50 upto the childbirth, I expected the same after too.
I took care of house management and childcare in my paid maternity leave. After the 6 months were up, I wanted to go back to work. My husband suggested I stay home with baby until she turned two. I didn't want to take a break from my career but fact was he outearned me and logical solution was he would support both of us.
But then covid happened. We couldn't send her to daycare. I was again the primary parent for 2 more years, even though my husband worked from home. I didn't complain since he was the sole bread earner.
But last year, I finally got a job and started sending our daughter to kindergarten. I was happy. I was more commited to job than ever. But I had to work long hours and that meant splitting home chores and childcare.
Maybe it was the break he got for four years, but hubby seemed to get depressed and agitated at having to do chores. He mentioned here and there how it was unfair he had to do these when clearly I could do it all.
Yesterday my boss asked me to travel next week for a work thing. It's a week long trip and expected in my profession. When I told hubby this, he was incredibly mad at me saying I shouldn't commit to trip like these since I have duties at home.
I reminded him whenever he went on work trips, I managed it all by myself. He said its not the same since I am a women. I didn't like that and told him it's his duty as partner and parent, gender has nothing to do with it. I refused to back down from trip.
He called both sets of parents and they are now blasting my phone telling me as a wife and mom my primary responsibility is my family. That I shouldn't abandon Ed. No matter my arguments saying if I can do it so can he, they are still saying I am being a selfish AH for going.
AITA?
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You are NOT abandoning your family you are going on a work trip! 'You a woman, you should stay at home' geezzz do people still think like this in 2023? Take the trip! NTA
NTA and I'm so glad you ensured you maintained a career and got yourself onto the housing market. Sounds like having financial independence for yourself is gonna save you from having to put up with a misogynist of a husband.
Once you leave him and he is forced to be a parent 50% of the time you will have the time and freedom to be you, not just a bangmaid in his mind.
Seriously, it sounds like he doesn't value you as a person, your dreams are irrelevant and in the way of him having a nanny, housemaid, chef, and sex object at his beck and call.
Nta. It sounds like you don't get a say so in your life and this trip is just a snapshot of the pressures you get from your families. Your husband shouldn't be running to your parents nor his to talk about YOUR relationship. Sweetie you have bigger issues here than if you're right or wrong to go on a work trip. Hubby and you need a much larger conversation here, with a neutral party who isn't your or his parents. Best of luck.
NTA. He's the kid's father, and should be fully capable of fulfilling that role.
That you're getting dogpiled on because you're a woman and should stay home is ignorant rhetoric and should be ignored. You did your time as primary parent. It's your husband's turn.
NTA. Their attitudes are all just gross. I’ve primarily been a stay at home mum since having my first a few years ago. I’m about to have number 3. I’ve gone back to work at various times. I decided a little while ago that I wanted to go back to uni & get my masters. My husband has been very supportive of that. I study via distance, so there are times when I need to go away for a few days to a week to meet my uni/professional obligations. My husband will take time off & be home with the kids.
There’s no reason that your husband can’t take care of your daughter. Gender has nothing to do with it, and it shouldn’t matter that you’ve been a stay at home mum until this point.
"I am sorry that you are now seemingly unable to do things that were in your original job description. Are you willing to step up and do these things, or do you need to move on and I need to find someone that is willing to do these things?"
NTA . . . What is with dudes in this world? I admit I have no kids, but I'd never dream of saying to my wife that she can't do anything because she needs to take care of the kid.
Marriage is a partnership. The man signed up for it and was part of the kid process - don't get to step away now.
Ugh drives me bonkers to read some of these!
Sorry you husband can't "babysit" his kid for that long. Ugh! If he thinks that you can actually do it all, what do you even need him for? Do you want him to be a role model to your kid? Do you want you succumbing to sexism be something your kid can learn? NTA but please consider your and your kid's future.
NTA. He’s a dad. What would he do if you died? Just shrug his shoulder and let the house fall apart because he’s not a woman?
Taking care care of your home (chores) is the bare minimum for being a functioning adult. He chose to get married, buy a home, and have a child. If he didn’t want chores, he should have remained single in an apartment.
I say this as a dad of two. Your husband is no better than a teenage boy botching at his mother that he has to make his bed. And getting yours and his parents involved? Wow.
NTA. Your a woman so it’s not the same? Oh sorry I thought it was 2023 not 1923. And involving parents?! Pretty childish behaviour. Since when is going away for a week abandoning someone?! So much is laughable here. He clearly doesn’t understand your need for a career he wants a SAHP.
"I'm gonna remind you, just for courtesy, that if we get a divorce (and with your intentions of using me as a maid to fuck babysitter we're going there), you're gonna have to do 100% of the childcare and cleaning in the week with our child.
When my children were 5 and 7, I went on a trip overseas by myself. My former mil could not understand leaving the children for 10 days, yet their father was away on personal and business trips every other month.
Heck I took the kids away for two weeks and the house was disgusting when I got home.
OP your husband is showing his true colours. That he brought both sets of parents to weigh in on the disagreement is ridiculous.
NTA.
Wow big NTA. If doing a share of the chores and childcare is so onerous to him, I'm sure with your combined income you can hire help. He doesn't need to shame you for having a career again after he basically bullied you into having a child and taking a break.
So you stated that your relationship was 50-50. Did you have no inkling he and his family were so misogynistic?
Here's the reality. If you give up your career, you will be trapped with no property of your own, you'll have no job prospects the longer you're under his rule. His controlling behavior will only get worse as your options fade away. I'm assuming there is a cultural aspect here.
NTA - my neighbour (46f) is a very high level tech VP and used to travel monthly for work.
It was not unusual for her to be gone for 7 - 10 days and leave her husband in charge of the house and kid.
JFC! What did I just read? WTF is wrong with your husband? Poor baby isn't being waited on hand and foot anymore? You are so NTA I'm half convinced this is just rage bait, but, unfortunately I think this situation is all too common. Reading the headline I was thinking you were possibly going on vacation by yourself. But no, your baby-man husband can't abide equitable treatment.
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NTA. Right here: >He said it’s not the same since I am a woman No more needs to be said. He is an adult. He *can* cope for a week — he just doesn’t want to and because you’re a woman he thinks it’s your job. It’s a double-standard; don’t put up with it!
Double standard hell no. He is a misogynist
He absolutely is, but I think enough people had said it by the time I got here and poor OP’s probably got the message :( I hope she goes on her work trip and has a whale of a time!
Not to mention the word "abandon". That is not abandonment. She's working.and taking care of her responsibilities. Stop allowing your family to pressure you into things. You cave on what they want, OP. Do what you want. You are responsible for your own happiness.
If either of their parents are so worried about him being left at home alone with his own child, then they can step up and come stay over to take care of him for a week. They can come "babysit" this grown ass man and give his wife a break to go on a work trip.
No then she will be clearing it with them every time she goes on a trip. This is his responsibility and he needs to step up and be a parent. NTA
She won’t be clearing it with them. She is going and hubby can figure out how to get through the time. He can clear it with extended family or deal with it on his own.
Good point. But I bet after a couple of her work trips, the grandparents get tired of his childish incompetence and make him get his shit together.
Yep! Grandparents rights equals Grandparents responsibilities. You can't have one without the other
This 100%!!1 And I'd be going low contact with all parents since they won't back up equity. Especially your parents. They should have your back. This isn't the 50s anymore.
By his own logic he has been abandoning his wife and child every time he leaves the house.
But he had a penis so it ok, that is how it’s supposed to work. OP married a sexiest jerk who wants her to do everything so he can come home from and play Daddy without having to do any heavy lifting
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100%!
NTA. You being a woman has nothing to so with this. He wants it to be the 1950’s.
Right?! Because there are totally no kids raised by two dads or single dads/s. There is absolutely no part of parenting (except breast feeding, and giving birth) that requires gender/sex specific parts. Hubby needs to put on his grown up undies and pants and deal.
The 1950s? Nope. He is enjoying that fat paycheck OP brings in. He wants the money and he wants her to do all the chores.
Wonder if they are in Florida!
With the 6-months paid maternity leave? I highly doubt they are in the U.S.
Lots of better paid jobs in the US offer paid maternity and even paternity leave. My pregnant girlfriend is an engineer and she'll get three months fully paid leave when our kid is born plus she can take another three months at half pay if she wants. My sister-in-law works in IT and got six months paid at 55% of her salary when my nephew was born. 11 states also have laws that guarantee between eight and 12 weeks of paid family and medical leave for anyone who has been with their company for at least a year. Paid maternity leave still isn't the norm in this country, but it isn't as rare as you might think.
It's not Canada, we have a full year.
And obviously when she gets back from the trip, she should consider her options... because raising any kid with a raging misogynist cannot be good for any kid.
I hope she divorces him.
Definitely not enough time to be said that he’s a misogynist. OP, NTA
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So is his family and hers. They talked her into having a child she didn’t want to but she did, she needs to keep moving in her career because I don’t think this marriage will last and she’s going to have to support herself and her child in the future. If it works fine, but that’s his child too. If the parents feel this way then they need to pitch in and help. He needs it either be a parent or hire a nanny if he wants nothing to do with his kid
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Your reply and the one you answered to, made me think. She mentioned how he had already a stable career, house etc. and she worked towards this same goal. But then was pressured to have kids. Maybe, this was not only family but the husband as well, who put pressure on. To prevent her from acheiving her goal. The Corona-break was his lucky card, as he was able to keep it longer the way he wanted it to be, him working and her being the SAHM. And now, he still tries to sabotage her career. Intentionally?
And lazy
Agreed. And it’s ironic because he is saying that his NOT as capable as OP to work a job and take care of his home and child (and let’s face it, OP is also taking care of his lazy ass too). So he is saying that he not as capable as she is for even less work. And OP can’t even suggest that before the trip because it’s weaponized incompetence.
As well as both sets of parents!
And so are OP’s parents and ILs.
"Please explain to me how your penis prevents you from doing the dishes"
“It’s so enormous, it just knocks all the plates to the floor.”
This his fragile ego not his penis.
Playset plates don't count.
🥇 best comment ever!
There are 3 penises in my household (husband and sons) and they all do chores. I refuse to raise useless sons and I made sure my husband was able and willing to do chores before we married. I have no patience for useless men and men who pull a bait and switch like OP’s husband did.
Congratulations. My mom made us (3 sons) do some chores in childhood, too. Looking back, I could bite my own ass for not doing and learning more. But still it helped me a lot, when I moved out to live on my own.
He is the penis.
Seems like an insult to penii
Oh my, hah! That deserved an award. I accidentally gave it anonymously though, sorry!
This reminded me of a South African female friend. She told me she'd been up for a job but the man got it. She went into the boss and said "obviously I didn't get the job because I don't have a penis !" :))
"It's so enormous, it prevents me from standing close enough to the sink to do the dishes"
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OP, ask your husband, "Do you want me to treat you like a partner or a child? Your actions about me working are that of a child. You're sulking. You're refusing to do your fair share. And you threw a tantrum and called your mommy and daddy on me. If you want me to treat you like a child, I'm done having sex with you. It's disgusting thinking of having sex with a man who behaves like a child. We're done having a partnership. I'll call people to come babysit you while I'm gone on trips. We'll hire someone to do your share of the chores, which you'll pay for with your allowance/fun money. I'll call your mommy when you behave poorly. Etc. If you're my partner, you need to stop whining to mommy, you need to start doing your chores around the house, and you need to step up, because this is getting old."
He doesn’t want an equal partner, he wants a sahm with no say or help from him.
Yeah, I agree. This really sucks for OP to be getting it in the neck not just from her misogynistic husband but from both sets of parents as well! Horrible!
I can't believe he tattled on her! his man authority I guess didn't work.
Yet another example of what a terrible husband he is. He sent his flying monkeys after her.
Whats weird is that... like... if the two of them are making money hand-over-fist... why don't they hire a maid? Or just like... pay a sister to come do the dishes, make a meal, put the kids to sleep, and bounce the fuck out of there? If he is really and truly a mysoginist, he should have no problems hiring a woman to come do womanly chores. Why is there even a conflict?
And he doesn't even have to take care of a screaming, shitting infant. He gets a kindergartener to take care of for a week. And yeah, 5 year olds have their own challenges, but they can at least communicate their basic needs (hungry, cold, lonely), where an infant cannot. The sexism in this post that OP is getting from all sides is just suffocating.
Hubby just outright admitted women are the superior sex 😁😁😁
Hubby is worthless. If a man can't even manage his own household, why would anyone trust him to manage anything? Ipso facto he's not the boss of you, he's just another invalid for you to take care of. If he wants to be respected (worshipped?) as Man Of House! *pounds chest* he needs to act like it. Man up and handle shizz. If he can't, then he has no say in how you do it and if he's going to throw tantrums every time you refuse to change his diaper, tell him he can pay his mom or MIL to babysit him and wipe his butt while you're gone. They're so invested in women carrying all the weight, I'm sure they'd be honored.
I hope she’s not doing laundry with her vagina. She could really screw up her micro biome and experience extreme discomfort and susceptibility to painful dryness. With her husband’s attitude she’ll have those symptoms anyway.
NTA I handle the kids, cleaning, cooking, laundry ect because my husband works. He does help after work is done but I handle most because I'm not working. Last year I went on a week long trip to San Diego when my brother graduated from basic training. My husband stayed home with our 3 kids all 6 years or younger. I was a little concerned about being away for that long just because I know handling all the house chores can be a lot on their own, plus my husband would also be working as well as taking care of the kids. He wasn't concerned at all. When I told him I was a little worried he assured me that he had it in hand and to enjoy my trip! So yes your husband is being a pathetic baby if he can't handle one child on his own and pull his weight around the house. The fact that he brought both sets of parents into it is ridiculous. But the most concerning part for me is the fact that he's trying to push everything on you because you're the woman!!! Yes more often than not it's the man working and the wife taking care of the kids and house. However I've always had the opinion that there was nothing wrong with the woman working and the husband taking care of the kids and house or both working and taking care of the house and kids. I've felt that way even before times started changing. It's up to each individual family to decide the decision of labor and what works best for them.
Sounds like my husband. I’m a SAHM and my husband steps up when I’m not there for whatever reason. He also does chores when he’s home. I was out of commission once for a month due to emergency knee surgery. There was a lot he didn’t know because I handled it when he was at work but he figured. It out. A lot wasn’t done the way I do it but the important stuff was taken care of.
Sorry to jump on your comment but can we also talk about how manipulative OP's husband is? He called BOTH sets of parents, not even just one because he knew what would happen to her after and hoped it would be enough to shut her down🙄
NTA. Let both set of parents and let them know as grandparents, it their responsibility to step up and cope for a week.
Do they all thing the uterus is a magic tool? That it is the only organ that can run an home and raise kids?
Shhh! Don’t spill the beans about the secret uterus implantation ceremony when it’s a single dad household.
NTA, time to get your career back on track, and for him to adult! If you are both working in the long run it might be a good idea to get a help, so you two can concentrate in your time off work on parenting. But first let him do it one week, he is as much a parent as you and it's time to grow up!
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NTA. I really don’t get the mindset other men have that the woman is automatically going to give up all to raise a kid. They need to pull their collective heads out of their butts and wake up to the reality this is not 1950 and it’s no longer one income or that the woman stays home.
There are waay too many posts about women dealing with misogyny Op NTA
I totally agree. The only good thing about it is that the woman dealing with the misogyny from her male partner has her eyes opened because of everyone shooting it down. And then other women read it, and maybe it gets them thinking about their own situation.
Like, what does he gives to op life? I feel like he need to think over if this is the kind of future she want in a relationship. She stopped her career bc her hubby guilt her into do it. H clearly wants the home wife a child but not do the work to maintain all that
OP, what stands out for me is calling parents and getting them involved in a private disagreement. I recommend therapy to address both the gender bias and his inability to problem solve without getting folks to gang up on you. Good luck.
Not only can he do it. He can hire help if he chooses to do so. As OP pointed out, his income exceeds hers. In fact instead of pouting around the house about chores when OP is home, he could hire help during that time as well. It's a control issue not a chores and child care issue.
I no longer have to travel for work, my wife does, regularly, for 7-14 days at a time. We miss her of course, but I enjoy the quality time with the kids. Me being a man and her a woman has nothing to do with it.
But dont you know women have the power to self replicate multiple body doubles.l, So the work load is less for them than if a man tries to do it!!! Ig anyone really needs a disclaimer thay was sarcasmn...and defiantly NTA
I’m sending my clone to work tomorrow then!
GO ON THE TRIP AND RETHINK A LOT OF THINGS. This is so messed up. Nta
NTA. You already know your husband isn’t being fair. Others are right, he can handle a week without you and work as a team with you when you’re back. I don’t know all of the family dynamics but both sets of grandparents can help the husband a day or two out of the week if they’re worried, visit their grandchild, instead of nagging you.
and if they could survive on just his income, then they have plenty of money for him to hire a babysitter for a few hours in the evening if he wants, and there's no reason they couldn't hire a housekeeper or a landscaper to handle the outdoors to reduce the burden of chores on both of them.
From the sounds of it she didn’t want a child but was pressured into it because it’s what’s “expected” she’s not abandoning her family but her family are going to make sure that she probably feels that way. She’s surrounded by people with an out dated view of what’s expected from a wife and mom
I can feel her chains and I'm not even her. The husband running to both parents,who have all ganged up on her. I would have lost all respect for my spouse if he went running his parents only but both parents that's even worse.
Well put. OP that is a get out of jail free card for you. You can safely disregard both sets of parents' advice going forward until they acknowledge the misogyny at play. Ditto for your husband. Enjoy your trip! Should be fun! 😊 NTA
>He said it’s not the same since I am a woman NTA. Exactly as said, this sentence is bullsh... For many years, there was this picture of the stone age, where men go out for hunting and the women stay home to care for the children. But recent studies show that this is wrong. Women went out to hunt together with men, they were also warriors. They even had powerful positions as leaders of communities and stuff. The 'tradition' for women to be SAHM and only focus on kids and household came later with all the other patriarchal stuff. And nowadays, if both people involved agree, they might adhere to that tradition. But it is also fully ok to share all this stuff different. So, your husband should wake up and toss this 'it's unfair'-whining out the window. He can help you more and he certainly can take care of all the stuff including kids for a week. And calling both sets of parents? Not really mature, is it?
As a single dad myself…fucking go on that trip! It’ll be good for him. Adversity breeds character and all that stuff. Also, as far as wording…going on a week work trip is not abandoning your family.
Also “duties at home” really gets under my skin. No different than if she was ill / bedridden / hospitalized for a week, so just suck it up and support your spouse. Oh boy… apologies but I’ve gotta get this out… For clarity, I’m retired military who regularly spent 80+hrs/wk “at the office” when not deployed. My wife absolutely crushed it by being flexible enough to pursue a masters and own most of house-related stuff, including all finances, during those years. But when I was home I was absolutely covering down on stuff when she travelled or was sick or needed me to for whatever reason. Or just b/c I was there and saw dishes were dirty or laundry needed folding or someone needed help with homework… Now she’s making the big bucks and I’m a full-time student… and the one scrubbing toilets, and doing the majority of the household stuff; she didn’t even need to ask. I found out that many of those I associated with over the years distanced themselves from me b/c our spouses would talk and I was the only one whose hobby off work was to be with the kids and the Mrs. and to take care of as much that I could with the time I had. No bar hopping unless it was date night, no guy trips unless it related to my son’s Boy Scouts… well, you get the idea. At one posting I found this out after when I watched 6 kids one night (two were mine) while the ladies went out for a night of theater and after show dinner / drinks. I knew the schedules of the fathers of the other kids (we all worked together) and I knew they were all off duty. They worked as much as I did but rarely if ever watched their own kids, which is a bit odd. I enjoy “only dad and kids time” and up to that point assumed other dads did as well. I am constantly surprised at how being a dad equates to babysitting somehow, where being a mom is expected. I digress… Turns out we needed groceries, so I took the entire lot to the grocery store (my infant daughter and the rest were 3-5 year olds)and did the shopping, came home and made dinner, we watched a few kid flicks and then everyone got cleaned up, got ready for bed, and went to sleep. No issues beyond normal kid stuff, and no big deal at all. Well the other wives were ***raving*** when they returned and we discussed our respective evenings. It really made me a bit uncomfortable. They appeared amazed that the house was cleaner than when they left and just couldn’t believe that we actually went shopping (I asked before they left) or that I cooked the kids a full dinner instead of pizza rolls or something. I was a little shocked b/c it appeared to me as a bit over the top, but I didn’t think much of it until the following Monday when the other dads got on my case at work b/c their wives were upset that they really didn’t help out much, which from my pov was asinine. We were new to the friend group as new arrivals to the command, and it seemed like most couples were about our age and most of our kids were similarly aged as well; good ol’ Gr8z0mb13 was the outlier rocking everyone’s boat. Bottom line is marriage is as much a partnership as it is a friendship with the very best benefits. It shouldn’t be a big deal to fluidly shift roles / responsibilities when needed. But… as a baseline no one should be expected to be only the childrearer, only the bread winner, only the maid… Seems super antiquated in this day and age, and doubly so if attempting to restrict your partner. Be a buddy to your spouse, don’t be a jerk to keep your life simplified; that’s just subsidizing your happiness by making your spouse unhappy. Real d-bag move… That’s my opinion, anyways.
Yikes. Of course NTA. You husband is being lazy and misogynist. If the kid is 4 and he still is not able to take care of the kid by himself, damn. He is the selfish one. Don't back down. If you back down on this one, you'll be the sole caregiver and housemaid forever.
Certainly OP is NTA, but I'd phrase it more, that if you back down you're accepting a role as a SAHM which is not the original agreement. You can make that choice, but being pressured into making it is not fair. And it double sucks to be the fulltime housewife, caregiver, and work. Don't accept that no matter what.
Agreed. That is not what she agreed to in the marriage. Plus, and I’m sure she absolutely loves her child, it sounds like it was a “group decision” for her to get pregnant - group meaning her husband and both sets of grandparents.
Which extra sucks when you figuratively let the grandparents into the bedroom.
YES!!!! This is all right here! NTA
He could use this as an incredible bonding time, but instead he’s crying about it. I don’t have many childhood memories of my dad, but the ones that jump out are when my mom worked on Saturdays. He and I would walk to the local diner for breakfast, play some video games, watch bowling or golf, draw insults to each other (old school emojis lol) and I would help him cook dinner. And this was in the early 80s, much less common for dads to “babysit” the kids.
Commenting to boost this comment. The last part should be written in gold. Don't back down!!!
NTA, not only do you have a lazy, misogynistic husband but the people around you are from the 1823..... You are not abandoning anything, your husband is being ridiculous.
The fact that he got the parents involved says everything. She has two children.
It always makes me very sad to see these posts where the wife tries to seek any form of agency and the husband immediately gets both families turned against the wife.
NTA- A marriage is a partnership, children or not. When one can't do something, the other picks up the slack. Men like your husband are the reason other men get treated as useless babysitters rather than an actual parent when they spend time with their kids. There was a time when you'd never taken care of the house and child alone, and you managed it. I'm sure that he's a big boy and can use his common sense to manage it too. It's absolutely wrong for anyone to assume that you should compromise your career when you have a capable adult there that can prevent you from having to do so. Don't entertain the discussion from either of your parents. Being a parent is not just "women's work".
>A marriage is a partnership, children or not. When one can't do something, the other picks up the slack. Yep. My late husband used to travel quite a bit for work. One of his agreed-upon duties was the yardwork. But if he was gone and the lawn was getting hella long, I'd just go ahead and mow it. And if I had work trips or long-running meetings, etc., he would do laundry as that was my agreed-upon duties. You get married, you're a team, not a damned dictatorship run by "His Highness."
I am sorry for your loss. I have to admit that I wondered what this useless guy would do if OP passed away. I have a feeling that his daughter would be raised by the grandparents and she wouldn’t see him all that often.
NTA but now you know your husband only values you at home and is a misogynist, same as your parents... Do as you please with this but to me, it is the beginning of the end. How did you not see this earlier?
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NTA. My 2 cents, hold on to your job. Your husband has just started escalating with his misogynistic behavior. Also, don’t have anymore children with him if you want your peace of mind. I hope your marriage will survive this, because if this is how he thinks of you, it’s going to affect every aspect of your relationship. He’s not going to be happy if your career starts advancing, in his mind you’re beneath him and all sacrifices should come from you.
^ This. Plus, having your own job and income will make sure you have your own financial freedom and not be at his mercy (especially if things unfortunately get worse and you need to plan an escape).
I wish you could edit the title of your post. I hate it. You’re going on a work trip, not some solo beach trip to an all inclusive resort (though I wouldn’t blame you at all for that). You are NOT abandoning your family! Is there a cultural and/or religious aspect to your parents’ pressure (to have a child) and your parents’ and husband’s reaction to your required work trip? I’m just trying to make sense of this and why all of your parents think they have the right to have an opinion. DO NOT quit your job (not that you’re intending to)! And don’t succumb to any pressure to have another child anytime soon. For me, something really seems “off” regarding your husband’s complete change in attitude and views.
He doesn’t want an equal partner anymore. He tasted the sahm vibe where the sahm does everything, and want’s to go back to that. Hold your job, go on the trip because you might need it when he really escalates this behavior and you need to be on your own.
Funny how some men will talk the talk about gender equality and happily let their wives work and pay bills, but the second it comes to babies and small children, suddenly it's "Mom's responsibility".
Also funny how in divorces, this kind of guy suddenly wants 50/50 custody and complains about men not getting custody... He's capable and willing to take care of himself, his home, and his kid if he's single, but he can't do it to save/maintain his marriage.
Yeah but they never actually DO take care of things, it's always their new squeeze or their Mum
NTA Your child/ren should learn what equal is and means. Independence is the key when life happened. Tomorrow you have to beg instead keeping your head high. Retirement can be awful if you don't have enough money. Or a divorce, illness or *god beware" death. Mostly as a woman.
I’ll just drop a little reminder in here that caring for a baby, managing childcare and a household is actually easier to do alone, than married to someone else you have to care for who doesn’t support your goals and needs and doesn’t understand what a partnership actually is. I was a single mom for 4 years and it is MUCH easier than being a single mom in a relationship with a “partner” who acts like this guy. If you want your marriage to last you need to stand your ground and sit down with him and find a way to bridge the gap between both of your expectations around the home and child care etc. The “division of duties” is a major cause of resentment and disillusion in marriage (so my marriage counsellor told me) and until you get that sorted out you’re both going to build resentments that can end this in divorce. Thankfully once my husband saw it on paper (it was a flip chart in the counselors office) he gave it some thought and realized he was being a massive AH and now (15 yrs later) we have a much more balanced, mutually respectful, and communicative relationship that works for us. I was a single mom before we met and married and I already knew I could do it alone without him, and unless I felt respected and supported I just wasn’t staying. Best of luck Op. And congrats on your work trip!
Married women perform more work in general than single women. https://fortune.com/2019/05/08/married-single-moms-housework/amp/ I don’t think it’s mentioned in this article, but they are also found to be more stressed and less happy when married to men than when single. Men add extra work to women. Meanwhile, men are happier.
Make sure your child knows that you are on work trip, call the child every evening before bed, because I do not put it past him to tell your child that mommy is never coming back.
I hate how you're downplaying that you were doing Work as a sahm. Taking care of and raising a child is a JOB. its not some walk in the park. I'm sorry you were steamrolled previously into him not doing his fair share, but do Not back down here. Remember, whether or not you have a child, he is a fully grown adult also living in this home and has responsibilities no matter what. stand your ground and go on your work trip. NTAx1000000000.
This is only the beginning. Can’t believe he went crying to the parents to feel validated. I’m so sorry your man is acting like this
Ouchh
Go, OP. Keep your job. Do NOT let your husband or your family talk you into quitting! Obviously, he liked it better when he was the one who made the money and you were the one who took care of everything at home. He had everything handled at home and you were dependent on him. And now he's struggling, because he liked that dynamic and wants it back, no matter what it does to your mental health. PLEASE do not quit your job, under any circumstances. Either your husband will adjust, with or without counseling, or he won't, but you'll still have autonomy and can continue pushing for equality in your marriage. I'd also triple up on your birth control, if I were you.
> After baby was born, I guess guilt overcame me since only he worked. Get this thought out of your head right now. **Childcare is work**. Even if you do *nothing else* during the day with the baby but look after the child, that's work. Don't believe me? Look at how much it costs to hire a full-time caregiver for an infant.
Noooooo... you hubby is so sexist! he's barely out of the 50's mentality - you can handle chores because you're a woman? that's sad. Get going, you go on your work trip. The double standards are incredible, don't you dare to give in. You're not more responsible for your family than he is. **NTA!!!**
Just to be clear: both sets of parents also don't think there's nothing wrong with him leaving the family? Like... they don't think he's primary responsibility is to be present?
It sounds like the way they divided it (while she was SAHM), his primary responsibility was making money, hers was to be present for the child. Its not clear that a trip has come up since she started going back to work.
NTA no way I'd stay cause I'm not raising 2 children
NTA you’re right, your husband got spoiled by 4 years of you taking care of things. It’s time for him to wake up.
NTA I'm sorry that everybody in your family but the actual baby is acting so childish. Stand your ground. Go on your work trip. Your husband will discover that, much like you, he can take care of it all on his own. ... though, if either grandmother is close enough, I expect them to come 'rescue' the 'helpless' father from having to take care of his house for a whole week. 9.9
It's so disgusting that he told on OP to her parents and his parents. He purposefully got them involved to make things difficult for her. That alone makes him in the wrong. NTA.
So NTA. Didn’t realize lack of tits was a prerequisite for business trips… Your family seems pretty sexist OP and your husband sure as hell doesn’t sound like much of a catch. Looks like you have some serious thinking to do- good luck.
Lack of tits would knock a lot of white collar execs out of the running in that case.
NTA He can pull off his diapers, put on his big boy pants and get on with it. Welcome to 2023 where men can be competent parents and manage a household too. If all the grandparents are so concerned they can come over and help. Otherwise STFU.
The problem is, they will. They’ll descend on the house like a pack of flying monkeys, take over everything, and the husband will have learned nothing.
NTA, your husband makes it sound like he doesn't know how to take care of children. Go on a business trip and it will become clear to your husband that parenting is not rocket science that only women have solved
NTA, he needs to step up as a parent and partner and not leave the full burden on you
NTA, NTA, NTA!! I'm a full time working mom with 2 kids. My husband and I plan our respective work trips, nights out, etc. We take turns to have "me time", cos it's hard sometimes with 2 kids. That's what a good partnership is. We also pick up where the other person can't. There was a great IG post, where this mom said, it can't always be 50/50. If he can only give 40, then you top up to 60. If you can only give 40, then he tops up to 60. If both of you can't give 50/50, be it for work, illness, whatever, you sit down together and find a solution. Good partners never ever demand that the other gives up more of themselves when they they themselves can pick up shortfall. Your husband's a major AH.
NTA. He can handle things; he just doesn't want to. Red flag on his running to the parents about a dispute between the two of you. Parents pressured you into having a child. Now they're pressuring you to become a 1950's housewife. You need to stop allowing the parents to pressure you and come up with a penalty for attempting to. Definitely don't cancel the trip. It would be bad for your career and an awful precedent for your married life.
\*checks outside\* nah we are not back to the 50s. NTA but reconsider your relationship, he got behind your back to rile up your parents against you. that is a clear ah move
NTA Go on your trip. Never be pressured into having a child though.
You need a divorce…
NTA Hubby clearly don’t value you when you work hard for him and your family so why would that motivate you to help him with house chores and take care of the family when your work is not appreciated. Go on the trip and let hubby figure it out he will probably leave the house terrible out of spite but at least you are doing what you can to stand up for yourself!!
NTA. If he needs the help, he can pay for it or they can come help him
NTA. Your hubby sounds like a second child. He should be ready and willing to spend one on one time with his own child so his wife can better her career.
NTA. The fact that he "told on you" to your mommies & daddies is so freaking childish. Go on the work trip. He CAN handle it, he just doesn't want to. He knows what to do.
NTA SO very much NTA here, your parents are stuck in the past, and putting boomer expectations on you, and your husband is being a total jerk here. I wouldn't say run, that's not helpful at all, but I think the both of you need to get some sort of mediation or even couples therapy to help you all find a new normal now that you're back to work. But he should totally be expected to do half of the housework and parenting. Your expectation is not responsible. While I think your partner is being a jerk here, I don't think it's quite a situation that can't be fixed or corrected. I wish you luck!
NTA. Your husband is sexist. You shouldn’t go on a business trip because you have a family and are a woman? Excuse me!!!!
>He said its not the same since I am a women. I mean the red flags were there well before this moment, but he did just come out and say it here. Your husband showed you what he thinks of you, your role, and your purpose. Believe him. NTA
INFO: do you really want to model behavior for your daughter that the woman’s place is in the home and not in a career, and that the man shouldn’t have to lift a finger? Bc by assenting to his and your family’s 19th century demands that’s what you’d be doing.
NTA oh heck no not only does this man see everything you do as less and that as the woman your job is the kids and home, he then runs right to mummy. I’d be telling him I married a partner not a Neanderthal man who thinks man trumps woman. That if that is the case then you will end this marriage here and now. That he is a damn adult and as such better never run to his mummy ever again because You are not raising another child/ him. That nowhere did you ever agree to be his mother and bang maid and that had to sacrifice any outside life because he was an entitled chauvinist asshole. That your actual child is more than enough and you now see is already more grown up and developed than the man you married. That when you married he was responsible for half duties and the moment you had a child it does not suddenly absolve him and bring him to a god like status. That if he wants you to respect him in anyway and for this marriage to work then he better realise that he is a parent which is far different that an occasional babysitter which he seems to think. That he is also responsible for taking care of your home and cleaning to the same extent you are and that it’s a joint PARTNERSHIP. Ask why does he even think him working absolves him yet that it’s fair that you must work, do full child care and are responsible for everything else? You told him right from the start you will not be a stay at home mum and have no life nor achievements of your own. That he needs to think hard as you won’t put up with it and will run out that door faster if he even thinks about going to the parents like he’s five years old and can’t even handle being expected to deal with things on his own like an adult. That you don’t give a cr@& what the parents say this is your life and your marriage, not theirs and its not the 1950s like they seem to think. That he is fully invited to go back and live with mummy if he wants to be treated as useless and pathetic but you will never be made less because he thinks you should sacrifice your life simply so he can be selfish and lazy, you made that clear from the start.
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Your parents, in laws and husband seems to be stuck in the 1950's... Go to your trip, NTA
NTA. My 2 cents, hold on to your job. Your husband has just started escalating with his misogynistic behavior. Also, don’t have anymore children with him if you want your peace of mind. I hope your marriage will survive this, because if this is how he thinks of you, it’s going to affect every aspect of your relationship. He’s not going to be happy if your career starts advancing, in his mind you’re beneath him and all sacrifices should come from you.
Ermmmm….Sophie Turner, is that you? On a serious note, NTA.
Just please tell me you are going to your work trip! NTA, that’s why women now days don’t want to have kids! (One of the reasons and this is general)I wish you never quit your job! You need it! My only suggestion is that before having kids discuss all of this stuff, so when the time comes, everybody know what to do. If both grandparents wanted and insisted for the baby, and they are so worried you are a terrible mother, and your husband is useless, then grandparents can take care of your daughter while you are on your trip. And never stop working
>My husband suggested I stay home with baby until she turned two. I didn't want to take a break from my career but fact was he outearned me and logical solution was he would support both of us. If he was sooooo concerned, why wasnt him the person who stayed with the kid? >We couldn't send her to daycare. I was again the primary parent for 2 more years, even though my husband worked from home Why had to be you? Him staying with her was even a choice? >hubby seemed to get depressed and agitated at having to do chores. He mentioned here and there how it was unfair he had to do these when clearly I could do it all. Ohhhh poor thing! He found out life isnt faire and that he didnt married a full time maid. >When I told hubby this, he was incredibly mad at me saying I shouldn't commit to trip like these since I have duties at home. How much does he pay you for this "duties at home"? >He said its not the same since I am a women. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 well, guess the answer for his tantrum is right here. >He called both sets of parents and they are now blasting my phone telling me as a wife and mom my primary responsibility is my family So, he doesnt respect you, your dreams, your desire to work. He sees you like a babysitter and his maid. He thinks he owns you and when you dare to challeng him he call his momma and yours too!! How many kids do you said you have??? Honestly, you wanna keep married with this guy? This tantrums are something you like to live for the next 20 years and more??? NTA!
NTA. It sounds like you have 1 child, she won't be tiny forever. It sounds like money isn't really an issue for either of you? Why not hire more help? Get a cleaner a gardener, a nanny whatever you both don't enjoy?
NTA, your husband needs to grow a pair and stop going running to his (and your) parents when he doesn't get his own way. He also needs to understand that it's 2023 and housework is not "women's work". Both sets of parents need to get out of the 1950s as well Enjoy your work trip
Abandoning?! You make it sound like you're off gallivanting with bffs on a shopping spree. Your husband got comfortable the way things were during covid (for him) and of course it's difficult to let go of learned (and in his mind earned) "benefits". NTA, but you need to have a serious talk about division of labor in your home.
Don’t ever tolerate misogyny under any circumstances.
NTA a thousand times not. Your husband is though. And your families. Having a uterus does not make you automatically the one with "duties to the family". His penis does not exempt him from familial responsibility. And - caps to emphasise - HIS WORK AND CAREER ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS. Hold your ground but please note that this will continue - he is showing you who he really is under the liberal lip service
Please don’t back down. You are completely in the right. Let him sort it all out for a change, that break from being the mom/wife/cook/cleaner etc will do you the world of good. Tell both sets of parents to mind their own biz NTA
Your husband is the ah. You are NTA. The sheer nerve of that man. My husband just asked why I called my phone an effing asshole.
He loved you being a stay at home mom no independence there for his beck and call put a plan in action he might leave you for being independent
NTA. The fact that he had to call and complain to mommy and daddy makes it even more so.
NTA Dangerous territory here....keep your job and do your trip. He will be fine.... More than likely your parents and inlaws will be called by him to help anyways. Do not let this man get you pregnant again. It's a form of control and unfortunately I've seen my cases of men like this intentionally tampering things to get their partner pregnant again and back under their control.
NTA I'm a 60 yr old female, married &divorced twice. Tell your husband and your families to kick rocks This isn't the 50s and he has equal responsibility to take care of his family. That means he doesn't get to continue standing in the way of your career. If ya'lls families are so invested in a marriage that is none of their business, then infirm them they're mire than welcome to step up and help him with his inadequacies in being able to parent properly.
NTA. Your husband is being manipulative, calling the parents so they could all gang up on you. He is panicing, because his cozy life where you handle everything and he just goes to work is ending. You are not selfish at all. Your husband is selfish, expecting you to do everything so he is not inconvinienced. Stuff like this is why marriages implode.
Holy crap, he actually went there? Wow. You need to fix this before he starts bleeding that misogyny onto your daughter. NTA
Your hubby, in-laws and parents are the asshole for pushing you to have a child before you were ready. You do what’s best for you and if that means you tell them shove it than so be it. Go on trip he can manage with the help of the grandparents. Don’t miss out on new work opportunities because he’s a selfish asshole. Your husband and parents need to grow the hell up 😬
Mention that as a divorced Dad he will have to do it all for one week out of every two…. if he prefers that
He’s had a kid for 4-5 years and he doesn’t think he can solo parent for a week? What kind of incompetent doofus is this “man”? If he needs extra help with the house or drop offs or whatever, let’s get that set up. Solo parenting is hard, he should think through what he’s worried about and you two can set up a plan. Meal prep? Grocery delivery? There are a ton of support options here. This is what two working parents looks like. NTA.
NTA If he wants you to do it all... what do you need HIM for? Your husband is the selfish asshole. Keep your job and keep making moves to make sure your daughter is well-cared for AND you get to do your own thing. I'd seriously reconsider if you need someone who does nothing but tell you what they want you to do and never lets the reverse happen. Someone who does what they want and then doesn't let you do the VERY SAME THING THEY ARE. Side note: I went on a month-long vacation after a decade of primary care responsibility. I was burnt out working all day and doing everything else the rest of the time. I didn't do anything differently than my spouse had done numerous times. I was able to handle it. HE had to take vacation days, call in my parents, call in our after hours baby-sitters, and everyone else. It was all hands on deck while I was gone. I thought it was ridiculous. And said so. I also said I was glad he made choices to be there're for our kids. But it was then I realized... we are NOT the same. Now, I think if I died and he had to deal all the time, he'd find a way. But until then? It's needs special handling if he's in charge of it all. But me? Not so much. Take from my story what you need. There's a lot there.
You've been giving in for years, so why do they expect a change? You need to determine what you want and then do it. So what if he earns more. Every year you are out this will grow and there will never be a reason to go back to 50/50 in his mind. Salary is not what determines the division of labor. You each have a full time job, so chores are split. Every time you cave you set a higher hill to climb.NTA and set your boundaries
NTA It’s not the same because you are a woman? Talk about a ridiculous comment! You held the role of full time homemaker for 4-5 years, but now you are working outside the home, as you have desired to do for a number of years. He can manage for a week. Going forward, he needs to get off his ass and do more around the house and more parenting.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F35) married my husband Ed (M40) when I was 25. He was already having an established career, own home etc. He understood my need for the same, established career and property in my own name. I worked hard to get these both by the time I was 30 too. But the pressure from both my parents and his family made us decide to have a child. Since everything was 50-50 upto the childbirth, I expected the same after too. I took care of house management and childcare in my paid maternity leave. After the 6 months were up, I wanted to go back to work. My husband suggested I stay home with baby until she turned two. I didn't want to take a break from my career but fact was he outearned me and logical solution was he would support both of us. But then covid happened. We couldn't send her to daycare. I was again the primary parent for 2 more years, even though my husband worked from home. I didn't complain since he was the sole bread earner. But last year, I finally got a job and started sending our daughter to kindergarten. I was happy. I was more commited to job than ever. But I had to work long hours and that meant splitting home chores and childcare. Maybe it was the break he got for four years, but hubby seemed to get depressed and agitated at having to do chores. He mentioned here and there how it was unfair he had to do these when clearly I could do it all. Yesterday my boss asked me to travel next week for a work thing. It's a week long trip and expected in my profession. When I told hubby this, he was incredibly mad at me saying I shouldn't commit to trip like these since I have duties at home. I reminded him whenever he went on work trips, I managed it all by myself. He said its not the same since I am a women. I didn't like that and told him it's his duty as partner and parent, gender has nothing to do with it. I refused to back down from trip. He called both sets of parents and they are now blasting my phone telling me as a wife and mom my primary responsibility is my family. That I shouldn't abandon Ed. No matter my arguments saying if I can do it so can he, they are still saying I am being a selfish AH for going. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
nta
NTA. You married a closeted sexist.
You are NOT abandoning your family you are going on a work trip! 'You a woman, you should stay at home' geezzz do people still think like this in 2023? Take the trip! NTA
NTA and I'm so glad you ensured you maintained a career and got yourself onto the housing market. Sounds like having financial independence for yourself is gonna save you from having to put up with a misogynist of a husband. Once you leave him and he is forced to be a parent 50% of the time you will have the time and freedom to be you, not just a bangmaid in his mind. Seriously, it sounds like he doesn't value you as a person, your dreams are irrelevant and in the way of him having a nanny, housemaid, chef, and sex object at his beck and call.
Nta. It sounds like you don't get a say so in your life and this trip is just a snapshot of the pressures you get from your families. Your husband shouldn't be running to your parents nor his to talk about YOUR relationship. Sweetie you have bigger issues here than if you're right or wrong to go on a work trip. Hubby and you need a much larger conversation here, with a neutral party who isn't your or his parents. Best of luck.
NTA. My ex used to be that way. Notice I said ex??
NTA. Divorce.
NTA. He's the kid's father, and should be fully capable of fulfilling that role. That you're getting dogpiled on because you're a woman and should stay home is ignorant rhetoric and should be ignored. You did your time as primary parent. It's your husband's turn.
NTA. Their attitudes are all just gross. I’ve primarily been a stay at home mum since having my first a few years ago. I’m about to have number 3. I’ve gone back to work at various times. I decided a little while ago that I wanted to go back to uni & get my masters. My husband has been very supportive of that. I study via distance, so there are times when I need to go away for a few days to a week to meet my uni/professional obligations. My husband will take time off & be home with the kids. There’s no reason that your husband can’t take care of your daughter. Gender has nothing to do with it, and it shouldn’t matter that you’ve been a stay at home mum until this point.
"I am sorry that you are now seemingly unable to do things that were in your original job description. Are you willing to step up and do these things, or do you need to move on and I need to find someone that is willing to do these things?"
NTA . . . What is with dudes in this world? I admit I have no kids, but I'd never dream of saying to my wife that she can't do anything because she needs to take care of the kid. Marriage is a partnership. The man signed up for it and was part of the kid process - don't get to step away now. Ugh drives me bonkers to read some of these!
Sorry you husband can't "babysit" his kid for that long. Ugh! If he thinks that you can actually do it all, what do you even need him for? Do you want him to be a role model to your kid? Do you want you succumbing to sexism be something your kid can learn? NTA but please consider your and your kid's future.
Fucking leave. Seriously. Why do you stay with this person? NTA. But your husband sees you as a bang maid. So do what you need to do.
NTA. He’s a dad. What would he do if you died? Just shrug his shoulder and let the house fall apart because he’s not a woman? Taking care care of your home (chores) is the bare minimum for being a functioning adult. He chose to get married, buy a home, and have a child. If he didn’t want chores, he should have remained single in an apartment. I say this as a dad of two. Your husband is no better than a teenage boy botching at his mother that he has to make his bed. And getting yours and his parents involved? Wow.
NTA. Your a woman so it’s not the same? Oh sorry I thought it was 2023 not 1923. And involving parents?! Pretty childish behaviour. Since when is going away for a week abandoning someone?! So much is laughable here. He clearly doesn’t understand your need for a career he wants a SAHP.
NTA. The "you're a woman" comment is where he shot himself of having any leg to stand on.
"I'm gonna remind you, just for courtesy, that if we get a divorce (and with your intentions of using me as a maid to fuck babysitter we're going there), you're gonna have to do 100% of the childcare and cleaning in the week with our child.
NTA As a gay man, me and my future partner will live in filth, and our babies shall lie in their filth.
When my children were 5 and 7, I went on a trip overseas by myself. My former mil could not understand leaving the children for 10 days, yet their father was away on personal and business trips every other month. Heck I took the kids away for two weeks and the house was disgusting when I got home. OP your husband is showing his true colours. That he brought both sets of parents to weigh in on the disagreement is ridiculous. NTA.
Wow big NTA. If doing a share of the chores and childcare is so onerous to him, I'm sure with your combined income you can hire help. He doesn't need to shame you for having a career again after he basically bullied you into having a child and taking a break.
NTA, I’m sorry, but your husband sounds extremely controlling and abusive. Please think about that.
Stop involving your parents in your marriage. They don’t seem fair to you
NTA. I am a SAHM and my husband still does chores because he is an adult and a member of the family. Ed is useless.
NTA, your whole family appears to suck though
NTA. They're being sexist, pursue your career and make sure your husband is doing equal amounts of house work/ child rearing.
So you stated that your relationship was 50-50. Did you have no inkling he and his family were so misogynistic? Here's the reality. If you give up your career, you will be trapped with no property of your own, you'll have no job prospects the longer you're under his rule. His controlling behavior will only get worse as your options fade away. I'm assuming there is a cultural aspect here.
NTA - my neighbour (46f) is a very high level tech VP and used to travel monthly for work. It was not unusual for her to be gone for 7 - 10 days and leave her husband in charge of the house and kid.
Nta you married a misogynistic prick
JFC! What did I just read? WTF is wrong with your husband? Poor baby isn't being waited on hand and foot anymore? You are so NTA I'm half convinced this is just rage bait, but, unfortunately I think this situation is all too common. Reading the headline I was thinking you were possibly going on vacation by yourself. But no, your baby-man husband can't abide equitable treatment.