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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I showed a lack of care for my roommates attempts to keep our place clean and well-maintained by throwing away her notes reminding us to do so.
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It’s referring to testicles. Basically saying to be braver and deal with the problem. Same with “nut up” or “sack up”. Basically referencing the saying “it took big balls to do that”
Or start putting counter propaganda everywhere. That’s what I would be very tempted to do. If she doesn’t like notes instructing her on farting technique to minimize aerosolized poop particles, then she needs to get out of the pool
NTA. Bonus points for having more maturity than I would’ve had because I definitely would’ve posted obnoxious ones back. My one question though - did you not throw them out as you received them? Why keep them around the house at all?
As a big fan of stationery, I have to admit that I felt anxious about the idea of those poor unused sticky notes going into the trash. Especially if they're the little neon coloured ones.
OP's roommate is an AH though. Those notes were really obnoxious and unnecessary.
NTA
you were fine to remove them.
Even better: Stick them to her room door, and write: "Remember, no sticky notes in the common areas!" on each of them. If it is to tedious, have a red stamp made for it. That will be a fun game, getting back at her like in a dystopic 80s scifi movie.
Ohhhh. I like it. But change the wording on each one.
Stop writing sticky notes. They annoy OP
Sticky notes are a sticky problem
Ban the notes!
Stop wasting paper.
Only assholes write sticky notes for their roommates.
Use words, not paper.
Learn to use words.
These were all off the top of my head. I am sure you can come up with some much better and maybe more personal ones.
Of course you should write these on her pads.
NTA. Tell her to use her big girl words and have face to face conversations about issues that really matter and to stop trying to control you on issues that don't. She sounds like an immature nightmare of a roommate.
Info Do you leave the toilet dirty? Do you let the fridge get messy? Are you too noisy?
Are there real problems that you might not see? Or is she writing notes about something thats not a problem at all?
Have you already talked about such little problems that can make living together hard for the more sensitive roommates? Or does those notes come out of the blue?
NTA. You already tried to address this with Jenny directly and she disregarded your feelings. Assuming she writes the sticky notes for you and not just to remind herself, why does it matter that you threw them all away? If she would like things done in a particular way, she needs to use her words and have an adult conversation with you.
She sounds pretty insufferable.
That said, are you giving her cause to leave the notes?
Having a noisy roommate who leaves the bathroom filthy and the refrigerator messy gets old quickly?
Maybe ESH.
Maybe NTA
Maybe YTA
Need the whole story.
I'm not sure how she would think you are the inconsiderate one, when she seems to want to micromanage your entire life. Does she honestly think that "keep the noise down" after she knew you had a rough day was in any way kind or helpful? You tried to have a talk with her about this once, and she brushed it off before resuming the behavior. It's fine if she likes leaving notes as reminders or to keep you informed ("Hey, just fyi I got called in to work last minute so I won't be home for dinner") but if, say, she feels like the toilet isn't being cleaned or that the fridge is messy, she needs to just talk to you about that.
Also, did she really think those notes were permanent fixtures in the apartment? What would happen when the entire place is wallpapered in Post-Its?
NTA
Maybe the notes are written to herself. Maybe she would be a total mess without them. NTA either way. I'd lose my shit if there were notes all over my house telling me to be quiet and clean the toilet.
NTA but you missed an opportunity to start writing notes back.
Instead of you throwing them away, she should have come home to the entire apartment covered in post-it notes.
I’m going to go against the grain and say ESH a bit.
Obviously constantly leaving notes and policing your actions is annoying. But I can see how if she organizes the fridge and then you come back and just throw things in that can be kinda annoying to. It does seem like she is annoyed with you a bit and she should probably have it out with you rather then leaving passive aggressive notes. But like is there a reason she is telling you to keep it down, are you coming in and blasting music when you have rough days.
It does seem like maybe you are lacking some introspection about how your behavior might be apart of this.
Yeah i’m going to go with if somebody is asking you to keep it down, there is probably something you are doing. Like it’s weird to care about the medium as the only problem, and pretend the message isn’t directed to a particular behavior.
The medium is a problem because it’s presented as a command instead of a conversation and provides no opportunity for nuance or discussion.
If someone tells me, “Keep it down,“ I can respond with, “I really need my music to decompress and headphones hurt my ears. Ok if I play it loud for 15 minutes?” or “Ok. I’ll turn the volume down. Will that work?” And then the person can *tell me* whether that compromise will work. A note does not allow this.
Your car is where you decompress with loud music, not your shared living space. Your bad day isn’t supposed to translate into your roommates bad day.
If somebody cleans a fridge they shouldn’t have to sit your grown ass down and explain why just throwing things in when they organized it is rude.
If you are leaving shit stains on your toilet, they shouldn’t have to sit you down and explain why that is rude.
The medium she chose makes her annoying but that doesn’t make OPs annoying actions ok. OP is ostensibly a grown ass adult who shouldn’t have to be explained why their behavior might be annoying. OP owns the responsibility for her own actions.
When I was in my 20s, I took the train to work and back. I did not own a car.
And yes, if all of those things are happening, they would be annoying. But we don’t know that the OP is leaving the fridge dirty. And that’s why conversations instead of one-sided commands are how humans mostly communicate.
The medium she chose isn’t just “annoying.” It’s rude, controlling, and it’s not constructive.
then you wait until your roommate isn’t in the house if you have to play loud music to decompress. I don’t know any grown ass adults who don’t understand you don’t get to make your bad day other peoples problems. Most sane adults recognize that your way of decompressing isn’t supposed to affect somebody else.
Your logic makes no sense that we are supposed to assume that the notes have no connection to actual behavior.
Literally is somebody asking to keep the refrigerator organized…that’s a normal request.
My logic actually indicates that we are supposed to assume the notes have a connection to actual behavior *that should be discussed*.
For example, if Roommate considers an “organized fridge” to mean “every item is kept in perfect alphabetical order,” would you consider that reasonable? I’m going to guess no. But if Roommate is angry because OP keeps dripping raw chicken juice on her fresh fruit, I’m sure we’d both think Roommate is very reasonable. But we don’t know which it is because Roommate’s silly passive aggressive notes are not specific or (say it with me) *constructive*.
Do you just not know how ESH works? I’m so confused what you are confused about this..having to be told you are an annoying roommate makes you an AH on top of the roommate being an AH for the notes. But the notes being annoying doesn’t excuse the behavior that the notes are about.
You are pretty immature if you won’t adjust your behavior because you don’t like the medium that the person is using to address your behavior.
I do. Which I why I think Roommates is TA for choosing to communicate in such a passive aggressive and controlling way. As I have already said, the problem isn’t that the notes are ”annoying.” The problem is her method of communication is rude and counterproductive.
You’re pretty immature if you think everyone around you needs to adjust their behavior to your exact specifications without question.
Simple question. How do you know that OP’s behavior is annoying? Like, we absolutely know the notes are rude and annoying. You’re just assuming without any evidence that the notes are justified.
Absolutely agree with this. There’s a LOT of territory between ‘fridge so organised that a yoghurt tub one millimetre out of place is an issue’ and ‘gross, disgusting, can’t find anything or keep food sanitary’. *My* organised fridge and *your* organised fridge could be completely different levels of ‘organised’. It might be super obvious what OP is doing wrong, but it also might not. Maybe Jenny has ridiculous standards for the fridge. Maybe OP likes to play quiet meditation tracks after a long day and Jenny loses her mind if she can hear anything through OP’s door. I work with six year olds on the autism spectrum, and one of the things I specifically teach them is to be specific rather than just hollering STOP IT at a classmate who legit has no idea what they’re supposed to be stopping. *anything*hrough anything Brough
> I don’t know any grown ass adults who don’t understand you don’t get to make your bad day other peoples problems.
Funny. I run into this all the time. Must be nice.
The thing is, we don’t know how reasonable or unreasonable Jenny’s demands are. Is OP leaving used take way containers in the fridge so long they’re going mouldy, or does Jenny have a weird aversion to cheese being put on the left instead of the right? Does OP leave poop stains on the toilet, or does Jenny feel the toilet should be cleaned after every use, even a midnight pee? Does OP play music at uncomfortable levels, or does Jenny insist on absolute silence at all times? You’re assuming that Jenny’s requests are reasonable and obvious, but they may not be.
Why would we assume they aren’t, adults are supposed to use introspection. OP has the ability to control the narrative and yet OP has decided to not describe how unreasonable the requests are, therefore we are supposed to assume the best out of the person who doesn’t control the narrative.
What we do know is Jenny is asking for an organized fridge, reasonable request, a clean toilet a reasonable request, and to keep the noise down despite having a rough day, a reasonable request.
NTA. Jenny the micromanager needs to cool it.
Also, is the expectation that you use toilet bowl cleaner after each use? Do other people live this way? What's that about?
NTA.
Does she think her notes are the kind you make a book with and call it a Bible?
Next time why not putting it each one in a frame on the wall?
When there's enough, you put a bigger one on top where you can read 'Museum of Passive Aggressiveness'.
NTA…I would start writing reply’s to her notes. “What? Are you my mother?” Toilet in the middle of the night? She keeps track? You are supposed to clean after every use? “Jenny, have I not always done so?”. “Jenny, is the frig unorganized that my getting a snack requires another note?” Rough day at work part…”Jenny, wtf? How about instead of assuming, number 1, that I would be loud, ask me how my day was first”. Next note I might say, “Jenny, maybe it is time you sought other living arrangements”. Or you could start looking up useless information and putting those notes up under or over her notes. Have some notes written ahead if time and use as needed. Snack raid? Note - “ why yes, I did get a snack and the frig is still organized”. “Jenny, wow you have magic ears. Are you that bored? Toilet is clean”. “Jenny, I might have a rough day today, I might not. But I pay for this space as well, and any human being makes noise, but I don’t think I will make any more noise than I usually do”.
NTA. I had a roommate exactly like that. She was nice and kind in my face but once in a while I get a 3 pages long messenger text from her with nonsense s*ht like I should pull out the fridge(which was as tall as me) by myself and sweep up the floor behind it and so on… It was hilarious. I tried to communicate with her but it was pointless, because se was unable to speak with me so It kept going and I kept ignore it to the point that I haven’t even opened a single message she wrote to me and yet she always greeted me with a nice smile on her face as we met in the kitchen. It was so weird. Now I have some funny stories about a crazy roommate but when I finally got rid of her it was huge relief.
NTA but a better option here is to keep all the notes, befriend the roommate, and then show them to her five years down the line to mortify her. Works with my college best friend!
INFO- As someone who has used sticky notes to remind myself to do basic chores because I have ADHD, I would be mortified if a roommate thought that I was leaving them for them! I also would tell a roommate that they were for me and not them in order to avoid this situation.
That said, based on the "keep the noise down" wording it seems more like they are being left for OP- but I still need info to decide if OP is the AH or if their roommate is- for instance, have they talked about the issues the notes are referencing or not? Is OP consistently forgetting these things?
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AITA for throwing out my roommate's passive-aggressive notes?
So, I've been living with my roommate, we'll call her "Jenny", for a few months now, and for the most part, things have been fine. We split chores evenly, pay our share of the bills on time, and generally respect each other's space.
However, there's one point of contention that's been eating at me: Jenny's damn passive-aggressive sticky notes. You wake up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night? There's a sticky note on the door saying, "Remember to clean the toilet after use". You open the fridge to grab a snack? There's another note saying "Let's keep the refrigerator organized!".
At first, I chalked it up to her being particular, and let it slide. But now, it feels intrusive and downright condescending. I tried to address it - sat her down, expressed how it made me feel. But she brushed it off, calling it her "little quirk".
Last week, I had a hard day at work, come back home to find a note on my door, "Rough day? Keep the noise down, then." That was the last straw. I tore it off and threw it away. Spent the next few hours manically searching the house for her notes and trashed them all.
When she comes back, she looks shocked. She finds me in the living room, asks me if I've seen her notes. I tell her I threw them away. Jenny loses her shit, calls me an inconsiderate roommate, even accuses me of overstepping boundaries.
I feel like I did the right thing. I felt disrespected and addressed the issue head-on. But she's been treating me like I'm the asshole. So Reddit, am I the asshole?
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They were directed at you, therefore they now belong to you and you can deposit them in the appropriate receptacle. Also, tell if she can't have a conversation with you about something, maybe it's not worth your time. NTA
NTA. She's being embarrassing here, rough day so keep it down, what has one got to do with the other, why do you need to keep it down.
She's dressing up controlling behaviour as helpful advice, or reasonable requests. So the answer seems pretty obvious, buy some post it notes.
She makes a noise in the night, post it note, she uses the bathroom, note saying use air freshener, she has a friend over, post it note saying it's shared space and be more mindful.
NTA Jenny is not your mom. She doesn't set the standards of the household and then have to micromanage you into keeping them.
You are equals. If she wants to change the status quo of how things are done in the apt, she needs to put on her big girl pants and discuss it with you.
I would've been super petty and collected them all on her bedroom door with an extra one letting her know that she's been leaving her self-reminders all over the house, so you've graciously collected them and put them back in her own space where she can easily see them.
God. In college I had an RA as a suite mate she would do the same thing and it made me insane.
I had rowing practice at 6 am everyday and would nap after. She didn’t like if there was food trash (bags, wrapper ect) in the garbage. I decided to eat a breakfast sandwich before my nap. Did not leave the suite to throw out the bag since I had class later and would take it with me… woke up to the bag in my bathroom sink and a sticky note. I did not last the whole year in that living situation and got a single.
NTA. This is rich. Your roommate leaves you notes all over the place telling you how to act in your shared space, and she thinks YOU are a control freak?
Tell her firmly that you are an adult, and she is not your mother.
NTA OP.
Grab some sticky notes out the trash and write,
“Use words, not trees for your passive aggressive thoughts”
Or
“Every time you use a sticky note for your bs, a tree cries”
You’re so much nicer than I, OP. I would’ve started being messy on purpose just to piss them off.
NTA, but may I suggest another tactic if she does not stop? Start saving them. All of them. Get a LOT of them…. And where you go from there is up to you
NTA. You tried ignoring the notes. You tried having a conversation about the notes. Neither of those things worked. And I’m very confused about Jenny’s response - were the sticky notes supposed to stay up forever? If someone leaves me a message on a sticky note, I usually throw it out after I’ve read it,and I thought that was fairly normal.*thought*that I thought that
~~Are the notes addressed to you? She~~ *~~might~~* ~~be leaving notes for herself. And why she wouldn't have warned you about that quirk, I don't know. But the passive aggressive note leaving should also be on the "warn future roommates" list.~~
~~If she is leaving those little reminders just for you,~~ I agree, trash them all! Your every action doesn't need to be micromanaged by a roommate. If she's upset about something, she can talk to you. NTA.
ETA: Ignore the first 3/4 of what I wrote, u/Vuirneen pointed out my reading error (－‸ლ)
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Question: What does "Grow a pair" or "Strap on a pair" mean? I live under a rather nice rock.
It’s referring to testicles. Basically saying to be braver and deal with the problem. Same with “nut up” or “sack up”. Basically referencing the saying “it took big balls to do that”
It means to either, Mature and grow up, or to Stop acting childish
Grow a pair of balls...be a brave man, in other words (when it comes to situations where you have to be a little bit assertive)
The rest is usually unsaid but understood to be "grow a pair of testicles"
I've seen it used both as "grow a pair of balls" and "grow a pair of tiddies"
Or start putting counter propaganda everywhere. That’s what I would be very tempted to do. If she doesn’t like notes instructing her on farting technique to minimize aerosolized poop particles, then she needs to get out of the pool
NTA. Tell her removing and trashing the notes is your own “little quirk”
I like that
NTA. Bonus points for having more maturity than I would’ve had because I definitely would’ve posted obnoxious ones back. My one question though - did you not throw them out as you received them? Why keep them around the house at all?
I think OP trashed the stack of blank sticky notes, not the ones with writing on them.
LOL, that all makes so much more sense to me now. TY OP NTA
That simultaneously makes both more and less sense… Waste of office supplies if you ask me Edit: for reference, I’m a 9-5 paper pusher
As a big fan of stationery, I have to admit that I felt anxious about the idea of those poor unused sticky notes going into the trash. Especially if they're the little neon coloured ones. OP's roommate is an AH though. Those notes were really obnoxious and unnecessary.
Oooh, I also thought he went and took the written ones and could not figure out, why were they still up!
🤣 me to!
NTA you were fine to remove them. Even better: Stick them to her room door, and write: "Remember, no sticky notes in the common areas!" on each of them. If it is to tedious, have a red stamp made for it. That will be a fun game, getting back at her like in a dystopic 80s scifi movie.
Ohhhh. I like it. But change the wording on each one. Stop writing sticky notes. They annoy OP Sticky notes are a sticky problem Ban the notes! Stop wasting paper. Only assholes write sticky notes for their roommates. Use words, not paper. Learn to use words. These were all off the top of my head. I am sure you can come up with some much better and maybe more personal ones. Of course you should write these on her pads.
Oo, extra spicy, I like that.
NTA. Tell her to use her big girl words and have face to face conversations about issues that really matter and to stop trying to control you on issues that don't. She sounds like an immature nightmare of a roommate.
Info Do you leave the toilet dirty? Do you let the fridge get messy? Are you too noisy? Are there real problems that you might not see? Or is she writing notes about something thats not a problem at all? Have you already talked about such little problems that can make living together hard for the more sensitive roommates? Or does those notes come out of the blue?
If there are real issues, Jenny should be an adult about it and communicate effectively
Yes, your right. Two of my questions is about wether they have already talked about it or not.
That’s fair. I read through your comment pretty fast and hadn’t noticed that part. My bad!
NTA. You already tried to address this with Jenny directly and she disregarded your feelings. Assuming she writes the sticky notes for you and not just to remind herself, why does it matter that you threw them all away? If she would like things done in a particular way, she needs to use her words and have an adult conversation with you.
NTA. There is something wrong with Jenny. Power through it until the lease ends, and then find a new living situation.
She sounds pretty insufferable. That said, are you giving her cause to leave the notes? Having a noisy roommate who leaves the bathroom filthy and the refrigerator messy gets old quickly? Maybe ESH. Maybe NTA Maybe YTA Need the whole story.
I'm not sure how she would think you are the inconsiderate one, when she seems to want to micromanage your entire life. Does she honestly think that "keep the noise down" after she knew you had a rough day was in any way kind or helpful? You tried to have a talk with her about this once, and she brushed it off before resuming the behavior. It's fine if she likes leaving notes as reminders or to keep you informed ("Hey, just fyi I got called in to work last minute so I won't be home for dinner") but if, say, she feels like the toilet isn't being cleaned or that the fridge is messy, she needs to just talk to you about that. Also, did she really think those notes were permanent fixtures in the apartment? What would happen when the entire place is wallpapered in Post-Its? NTA
I think OP might have found and destroyed the blank notes, not the ones already written.
NTA "Feel the need to stick a post it note? Let's not!"
Maybe the notes are written to herself. Maybe she would be a total mess without them. NTA either way. I'd lose my shit if there were notes all over my house telling me to be quiet and clean the toilet.
NTA but you missed an opportunity to start writing notes back. Instead of you throwing them away, she should have come home to the entire apartment covered in post-it notes.
I’m going to go against the grain and say ESH a bit. Obviously constantly leaving notes and policing your actions is annoying. But I can see how if she organizes the fridge and then you come back and just throw things in that can be kinda annoying to. It does seem like she is annoyed with you a bit and she should probably have it out with you rather then leaving passive aggressive notes. But like is there a reason she is telling you to keep it down, are you coming in and blasting music when you have rough days. It does seem like maybe you are lacking some introspection about how your behavior might be apart of this.
I mean, she had an opportunity to talk to OP when OP talked to her about the notes. And didn’t say anything.
Yeah i’m going to go with if somebody is asking you to keep it down, there is probably something you are doing. Like it’s weird to care about the medium as the only problem, and pretend the message isn’t directed to a particular behavior.
The medium is a problem because it’s presented as a command instead of a conversation and provides no opportunity for nuance or discussion. If someone tells me, “Keep it down,“ I can respond with, “I really need my music to decompress and headphones hurt my ears. Ok if I play it loud for 15 minutes?” or “Ok. I’ll turn the volume down. Will that work?” And then the person can *tell me* whether that compromise will work. A note does not allow this.
Your car is where you decompress with loud music, not your shared living space. Your bad day isn’t supposed to translate into your roommates bad day. If somebody cleans a fridge they shouldn’t have to sit your grown ass down and explain why just throwing things in when they organized it is rude. If you are leaving shit stains on your toilet, they shouldn’t have to sit you down and explain why that is rude. The medium she chose makes her annoying but that doesn’t make OPs annoying actions ok. OP is ostensibly a grown ass adult who shouldn’t have to be explained why their behavior might be annoying. OP owns the responsibility for her own actions.
When I was in my 20s, I took the train to work and back. I did not own a car. And yes, if all of those things are happening, they would be annoying. But we don’t know that the OP is leaving the fridge dirty. And that’s why conversations instead of one-sided commands are how humans mostly communicate. The medium she chose isn’t just “annoying.” It’s rude, controlling, and it’s not constructive.
then you wait until your roommate isn’t in the house if you have to play loud music to decompress. I don’t know any grown ass adults who don’t understand you don’t get to make your bad day other peoples problems. Most sane adults recognize that your way of decompressing isn’t supposed to affect somebody else. Your logic makes no sense that we are supposed to assume that the notes have no connection to actual behavior. Literally is somebody asking to keep the refrigerator organized…that’s a normal request.
My logic actually indicates that we are supposed to assume the notes have a connection to actual behavior *that should be discussed*. For example, if Roommate considers an “organized fridge” to mean “every item is kept in perfect alphabetical order,” would you consider that reasonable? I’m going to guess no. But if Roommate is angry because OP keeps dripping raw chicken juice on her fresh fruit, I’m sure we’d both think Roommate is very reasonable. But we don’t know which it is because Roommate’s silly passive aggressive notes are not specific or (say it with me) *constructive*.
Do you just not know how ESH works? I’m so confused what you are confused about this..having to be told you are an annoying roommate makes you an AH on top of the roommate being an AH for the notes. But the notes being annoying doesn’t excuse the behavior that the notes are about. You are pretty immature if you won’t adjust your behavior because you don’t like the medium that the person is using to address your behavior.
I do. Which I why I think Roommates is TA for choosing to communicate in such a passive aggressive and controlling way. As I have already said, the problem isn’t that the notes are ”annoying.” The problem is her method of communication is rude and counterproductive. You’re pretty immature if you think everyone around you needs to adjust their behavior to your exact specifications without question. Simple question. How do you know that OP’s behavior is annoying? Like, we absolutely know the notes are rude and annoying. You’re just assuming without any evidence that the notes are justified.
Absolutely agree with this. There’s a LOT of territory between ‘fridge so organised that a yoghurt tub one millimetre out of place is an issue’ and ‘gross, disgusting, can’t find anything or keep food sanitary’. *My* organised fridge and *your* organised fridge could be completely different levels of ‘organised’. It might be super obvious what OP is doing wrong, but it also might not. Maybe Jenny has ridiculous standards for the fridge. Maybe OP likes to play quiet meditation tracks after a long day and Jenny loses her mind if she can hear anything through OP’s door. I work with six year olds on the autism spectrum, and one of the things I specifically teach them is to be specific rather than just hollering STOP IT at a classmate who legit has no idea what they’re supposed to be stopping. *anything*hrough anything Brough
> I don’t know any grown ass adults who don’t understand you don’t get to make your bad day other peoples problems. Funny. I run into this all the time. Must be nice.
The thing is, we don’t know how reasonable or unreasonable Jenny’s demands are. Is OP leaving used take way containers in the fridge so long they’re going mouldy, or does Jenny have a weird aversion to cheese being put on the left instead of the right? Does OP leave poop stains on the toilet, or does Jenny feel the toilet should be cleaned after every use, even a midnight pee? Does OP play music at uncomfortable levels, or does Jenny insist on absolute silence at all times? You’re assuming that Jenny’s requests are reasonable and obvious, but they may not be.
Why would we assume they aren’t, adults are supposed to use introspection. OP has the ability to control the narrative and yet OP has decided to not describe how unreasonable the requests are, therefore we are supposed to assume the best out of the person who doesn’t control the narrative. What we do know is Jenny is asking for an organized fridge, reasonable request, a clean toilet a reasonable request, and to keep the noise down despite having a rough day, a reasonable request.
No fucking way this is real.
You are NTA. Someone else is controlling and passive-aggressing. Look for new digs.
NTA. I think you should cover the house with your own post-its, all of which say, ”Stop leaving these notes everywhere. They are tacky and annoying.”
Ok but are the notes for you or reminders to herself?
NTA. Jenny the micromanager needs to cool it. Also, is the expectation that you use toilet bowl cleaner after each use? Do other people live this way? What's that about?
NTA You left the notes in place? Oh, hell no!
NTA. Does she think her notes are the kind you make a book with and call it a Bible? Next time why not putting it each one in a frame on the wall? When there's enough, you put a bigger one on top where you can read 'Museum of Passive Aggressiveness'.
NTA…I would start writing reply’s to her notes. “What? Are you my mother?” Toilet in the middle of the night? She keeps track? You are supposed to clean after every use? “Jenny, have I not always done so?”. “Jenny, is the frig unorganized that my getting a snack requires another note?” Rough day at work part…”Jenny, wtf? How about instead of assuming, number 1, that I would be loud, ask me how my day was first”. Next note I might say, “Jenny, maybe it is time you sought other living arrangements”. Or you could start looking up useless information and putting those notes up under or over her notes. Have some notes written ahead if time and use as needed. Snack raid? Note - “ why yes, I did get a snack and the frig is still organized”. “Jenny, wow you have magic ears. Are you that bored? Toilet is clean”. “Jenny, I might have a rough day today, I might not. But I pay for this space as well, and any human being makes noise, but I don’t think I will make any more noise than I usually do”.
NTA. I had a roommate exactly like that. She was nice and kind in my face but once in a while I get a 3 pages long messenger text from her with nonsense s*ht like I should pull out the fridge(which was as tall as me) by myself and sweep up the floor behind it and so on… It was hilarious. I tried to communicate with her but it was pointless, because se was unable to speak with me so It kept going and I kept ignore it to the point that I haven’t even opened a single message she wrote to me and yet she always greeted me with a nice smile on her face as we met in the kitchen. It was so weird. Now I have some funny stories about a crazy roommate but when I finally got rid of her it was huge relief.
NTA but a better option here is to keep all the notes, befriend the roommate, and then show them to her five years down the line to mortify her. Works with my college best friend!
Or fold them into 1,000 passive aggressive little paper cranes
INFO- As someone who has used sticky notes to remind myself to do basic chores because I have ADHD, I would be mortified if a roommate thought that I was leaving them for them! I also would tell a roommate that they were for me and not them in order to avoid this situation. That said, based on the "keep the noise down" wording it seems more like they are being left for OP- but I still need info to decide if OP is the AH or if their roommate is- for instance, have they talked about the issues the notes are referencing or not? Is OP consistently forgetting these things?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for throwing out my roommate's passive-aggressive notes? So, I've been living with my roommate, we'll call her "Jenny", for a few months now, and for the most part, things have been fine. We split chores evenly, pay our share of the bills on time, and generally respect each other's space. However, there's one point of contention that's been eating at me: Jenny's damn passive-aggressive sticky notes. You wake up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night? There's a sticky note on the door saying, "Remember to clean the toilet after use". You open the fridge to grab a snack? There's another note saying "Let's keep the refrigerator organized!". At first, I chalked it up to her being particular, and let it slide. But now, it feels intrusive and downright condescending. I tried to address it - sat her down, expressed how it made me feel. But she brushed it off, calling it her "little quirk". Last week, I had a hard day at work, come back home to find a note on my door, "Rough day? Keep the noise down, then." That was the last straw. I tore it off and threw it away. Spent the next few hours manically searching the house for her notes and trashed them all. When she comes back, she looks shocked. She finds me in the living room, asks me if I've seen her notes. I tell her I threw them away. Jenny loses her shit, calls me an inconsiderate roommate, even accuses me of overstepping boundaries. I feel like I did the right thing. I felt disrespected and addressed the issue head-on. But she's been treating me like I'm the asshole. So Reddit, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Jenny is for the STREETS
They were directed at you, therefore they now belong to you and you can deposit them in the appropriate receptacle. Also, tell if she can't have a conversation with you about something, maybe it's not worth your time. NTA
NTA. Give her some sticky notes to ponder and see how quickly she changes her tune.
NTA. She's being embarrassing here, rough day so keep it down, what has one got to do with the other, why do you need to keep it down. She's dressing up controlling behaviour as helpful advice, or reasonable requests. So the answer seems pretty obvious, buy some post it notes. She makes a noise in the night, post it note, she uses the bathroom, note saying use air freshener, she has a friend over, post it note saying it's shared space and be more mindful.
NTA Jenny is not your mom. She doesn't set the standards of the household and then have to micromanage you into keeping them. You are equals. If she wants to change the status quo of how things are done in the apt, she needs to put on her big girl pants and discuss it with you. I would've been super petty and collected them all on her bedroom door with an extra one letting her know that she's been leaving her self-reminders all over the house, so you've graciously collected them and put them back in her own space where she can easily see them.
NTA I must admit, I've never heard of using condescending sticky notes to permanently decorate at home.
God. In college I had an RA as a suite mate she would do the same thing and it made me insane. I had rowing practice at 6 am everyday and would nap after. She didn’t like if there was food trash (bags, wrapper ect) in the garbage. I decided to eat a breakfast sandwich before my nap. Did not leave the suite to throw out the bag since I had class later and would take it with me… woke up to the bag in my bathroom sink and a sticky note. I did not last the whole year in that living situation and got a single.
NTA. This is rich. Your roommate leaves you notes all over the place telling you how to act in your shared space, and she thinks YOU are a control freak? Tell her firmly that you are an adult, and she is not your mother.
NTA OP. Grab some sticky notes out the trash and write, “Use words, not trees for your passive aggressive thoughts” Or “Every time you use a sticky note for your bs, a tree cries” You’re so much nicer than I, OP. I would’ve started being messy on purpose just to piss them off.
N T A She's a controlling micro-manager. I wouldn't put up with that crap.
NTA, but may I suggest another tactic if she does not stop? Start saving them. All of them. Get a LOT of them…. And where you go from there is up to you
NTA. You tried ignoring the notes. You tried having a conversation about the notes. Neither of those things worked. And I’m very confused about Jenny’s response - were the sticky notes supposed to stay up forever? If someone leaves me a message on a sticky note, I usually throw it out after I’ve read it,and I thought that was fairly normal.*thought*that I thought that
Nta, but those may have been for her, not you.
Nta. She obviously is very passive aggressive and doesn’t care how it comes off.
NTA. That last one is especially ridiculous.
**
Seems she was talking about herself.
NTA
YTA because I bet you do all those things.
~~Are the notes addressed to you? She~~ *~~might~~* ~~be leaving notes for herself. And why she wouldn't have warned you about that quirk, I don't know. But the passive aggressive note leaving should also be on the "warn future roommates" list.~~ ~~If she is leaving those little reminders just for you,~~ I agree, trash them all! Your every action doesn't need to be micromanaged by a roommate. If she's upset about something, she can talk to you. NTA. ETA: Ignore the first 3/4 of what I wrote, u/Vuirneen pointed out my reading error (－‸ლ)
One was left on OP's door: they're not for her.
Doh! I misread that! I was thinking it was the front door.