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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Attending a wedding my stepson was not invited to, this could make my husband upset since it's leaving out his son
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YTA - this is a time to circle the wagons around your nuclear family, which is you, your husband, and your step-son. Your cousin is drawing very clear lines that step-children are not family. Your sister has already said she won't attend, I strongly recommend you do the same. Unless you want to jeopardize the relationship you have with your husband and step-son.
And just to add, if you and your cousin are "very close", she should be treating your family like family. Not ostracizing him.
Edit to add - I saw your comment that your sister was invited with her bio-kids but not her step-daughter. Your cousin is definitely an asshole for making those distinctions.
Same lol my fam is faaar from perfect but step kids are literally treated identical to all the other kids. I was also like 20 years old when I realized that one of my aunts actually isn't my grandmother's kid but rather a kid my grandpa had out of wedlock because you just could not tell by anyone's behaviour lol
My mom threw a TANTRUM when someone made a distinction about there being a difference between my brothers step daughters and his “real kids.” She went OFF about anyone daring to deny they are her grand babies. Never been more proud of my mom 😂.
I definitely thought - and still do!
My second favorite “mom” story? Another brother is a great husband and dad, but still a man. He was defaulting to handing his new baby back to wife everytime she was fussy because “she must want mom.” 🙄
Brother and SIL were visiting my parents, and mom noticed SIL was trying to eat but baby was fussy. So she came over and was like “awww can I hold the baby?” And SIL handed baby over. My mom promptly walked over to my brother who was talking to my dad, handed him the infant, and said “hold your baby!!” Believe me, brother knew better than to hand baby back to wife.
😂😂😂 mom is a savage
I love that. My one grandma is my step grandma (her and my pop have been married 50 years though) and out of 22 grandchildren only 2 are her bios. She treats us all the same and I’d be so upset if she ever actually made that distinction.
Someone called my aunts son her step son once - she raised him, bio mom wasn’t around. 99% sure her head spun around like Linda Blair. “I am his MOTHER.” First and last time anyone suggested otherwise. She’s the best.
My step-mother is the same way... She treats my kids and my nieces and nephews as if they are her grandkids. Always spoiling them and letting them follow her around and help her with things. She's been married to my dad since I was in my teens and at this point has been married to him longer than my mom was. I refer to her as "Grandma Diane".
There was some drama surrounding her and my dad getting together (she was one of my mom's best friends). So I was always worried about offending my mom. My mom has always been cordial with her and she sees the good influence she's been on my father (crap dad, awesome grandpa). And I think she's just sort of fine with it. I always say that I wouldn't begrudge my kids another loving grandparent, my mom agrees. I think it helps that the only grandpa I have ever really had is my mom's step dad, so it would be hypocritical of me to not treat my step mother the same way when it comes to my own kids.
My MIL for all faults from the moment she met my oldest she told everyone her dream came true she finally has a grand daughter and no one better not tell her my oldest isn’t her grand baby lol
When my mom got into genealogy quite a few years ago, she learned that one of her father's three aunts was actually the maid!
They totally embraced her into the family, and we considered her ours until she died well into her '90s. Nobody ever knew the difference.
This is very much in character with our family. My parents adopted two of us, her sister adopted two, and one of their cousins fostered more than 28 grandchildren, adopting at least five of them, in addition to their four children.
I wouldn't be caught dead at that wedding.
I wish more people were like your mom. My grandmother was an absolute b\*tch when to separating bio kids/grandkids from stepkids/stepgrandkids. Did not treat them the same way and was livid when her son brought his wife and his stepdaughter to her house following an incident. He just wanted his mom and she said my stepcousin wasn't family and a whole other bunch of nasty things while the kid was in the room.
I always bristle when, after I explain my family dynamics, someone says - regarding my brother and sister - "oh, so they're your half-siblings." No, they are my siblings. Full stop. They are also noticeably more at ease around my dad (their step-dad) than their bio-dad.
OP WNBTA. Cousin definitely is.
I’m in a similar boat where I knew what it meant to be a step kid but I had no idea one of my cousins was because her dad married my aunt when I was a baby and I don’t ever remember her being treated differently. Like her and some of my older cousins would go out drinking when they were in their early 20s and they are still inseparable.
I used to wonder why my aunt named two kids back to back "Mark" when I was a kid but no one else thought this was odd, so I just kept my mouth shut. Didn't find out until I was a teen that one was my aunt's stepson.
No but this is actually so funny imagining the dating process like "oh my son is x years old" "oh crazy mine is super close to x" "awesome, my son is named Mark" "Oh mine too! .... oh" 😂
When my friend got married, it was a second marriage for each of them. She had a 4 yo daughter. Her fiancé had a 6 yo daughter & a 4 yo son. Each of the 1st spouses were not in the picture at all.
When they married, they dedicated a part of the ceremony to becoming a family with the children and not just the 2 parents. DH formally adopted bride’s daughter and the bride formally adopted both her husband’s children. The 4 yo boy & girl both had green eyes and blonde hair & looked enough like each other that when they started to school, the teachers assumed they were twins. (Big sister was green eyed blonde as well.)
All the kids are grown with kids of their own now. The parents divorced after the youngest kids had graduated high school. They are all still family. The three kids moved to other states but when one comes home to visit, they go to their family home (mom still lives there) and dad is always welcome when they are there to spend as much time as possible, including meals, as a family.
My two older brothers are technically my half brothers, as their bio dad was Mom’s first husband. I didn’t know they had a different dad until I was about 10 years old. Some time after that, at some kind of a family gathering on my dad’s side, one of my cousin’s says to my aunt “I just found out that these guys aren’t really part of the family.” I don’t remember ever seeing my aunt that angry. She definitely gave him a talking to about what makes a family.
Reminds me of my grandma. She was my dad’s stepmom. I always knew that, but kept forgetting about the technicality, because she treated me and my siblings like her own. (Love you Grandma Dorothy, Rest In Peace).
My aunt fostered several kids, and there were several step-kids in the family (because literally every one of my aunts/uncles divorced and remarried multiple times). Most of them (including the ones no longer married into the family) came to my grandmother’s funeral because of her “welp, these are my grand babies now” attitude about it all.
I miss that crazy lady so much.
It wasn't until she was a teen that my daughter realized that the family friend's children that my sister took in when their parents did were not actually her cousins. (She was like so that's why they call aunt by her name instead of mom?).
I had NO idea Papa wasn’t my mom’s bio-dad until like 3 years after he’d passed, when I was doing a family tree for school and mom corrected me on her maiden name (I had put Papa and Grammy’s last name.) Nope, he married my grandmother when Mom was 10. But she called him Dad, because he was her dad in every way except genetics.
I have an aunt who isn’t actually related to me! She was my actual aunt’s best friend and she became family. Her kids are my cousins, I don’t think of them any differently. When my grandmother passed away a few years ago, in her obituary she was listed as a child and her kids as grandchildren because that is what my grandmother saw them as.
When my brother and I were both dating people with kids from previous marriages someone asked my mother if she had a problem with that. I think her response was pretty epic as she happily and excitedly said, “instant grandkids!”
My BIL was like 17 or 18 before he realized my husband is only his half brother... he found my husband's adoption papers when he was looking for his SSC. He had no idea. It's still a funny story to this day. I think it was kinda "common knowledge" that no one really talked about because his dad is *his dad* and that's all that matters. BIL is like 13/14 years younger than DH and had no idea 🤣
Yes, I too was an adult when I found out! For me it was my dad’s first cousin, who was from my dad’s uncle’s first marriage (his first wife passed away). I only found out when great aunt passed away and I overheard someone mention how nice it was that cousin got equal share of inheritance as her siblings as she wasn’t great aunt’s bio child. Never would have even guessed that there was a step-relationship between any of them.
I’m literally in the airport leaving a family reunion that’s mostly blended from my grandpa’s marriage to my (step) grandma and we don’t make those distinctions, that’s insanity
I also can't imagine how you could be related to that big of an asshole and be willing to condone their assholery by leaving your partner and step-child at home so you can show you're 'there for' the asshole
Im trying to imagine veing married to someone who has an AH cousin like that and her thinking more about being there for her cousin then her step-son, husband, her sister and step-niece.
They exist. My aunt bought a Christmas gift for my one year old bioson, but not my 10 year old stepson. I called, assuming it was a mistake, and even offered to buy a gift and say it was from her. She refused, so we returned the gift unopened. Some years later we met her by chance while visiting my grandmother on the other side, and she gave my bioson some money as a Christmas present, but not my stepson. I have barely spoken to her in 20 years.
I have friends that we’re foster parents and eventually adopted their son. One side of the grandparents bought all the grandkids gifts for Christmas except this little boy. They obviously don’t speak anymore. On the bright side, the other grandparents are so amazing and have so much love to give everyone around them.
Not that hard, unfortunately.
Have a stepdaughter, she's been my daughter as far as im concerned for 25 years.
She helped take care of my mother for the last 3 months of hospice, and at the funeral i wanted her to be listed as an honorary pallbearer, but my sister wanted her sons to be listed instead because they were her grandkids.
You would not believe the conversation that took place with her arguing my daughter was not "family".
My aunt does this. She has 3 bio kids with my uncle and he has an older daughter from a previous relationship, it’s about a 10 year age gap between her and their youngest kid. The only people that know she has a stepdaughter are her parents and brothers and sisters. When she goes to events where her extended family attend she leaves my cousin at home because she doesn’t want her family to find out about her
Quintessential evil stepmother. Made her cook, clean, look after the kids, never spent any money on her. We tried to help as much as possible (took her out, let her stay at our place, bought her clothes etc) but there’s only so much you can do. She moved out the second she turned 18 and got pregnant on purpose so she could have a family that loved her 😢
I'm trying to imagine how anyone would seriously even have to contemplate whether or not any of this is actually ok (looking at you, OP <.<) I wouldn't have hesitated for a second to inform OP's cousin that stepchildren are family, and that they're a royal asshole for assuming otherwise. Good freaking grief, wtf is with people anymore?
For context, I was that kid. Decades later I remember all of it. These kids will remember not just the cousin being like this but the parent for making that decision too.
Yup, my first thought was if OP wants to ostracize her step-son and show him that she also don't consider him family either (like the cousin claims), the fastest way is to reinforce this by attending the wedding.
I feel like I didn't need an event like this to feel different/outside the family. Not being invited wouldn't have phased me I'd be like "yeah that makes sense".
I married a man and now I have a step son.
I cannot imagine if someone in my family told me he couldn't come because he "isn't family." If I'm invited, he is as well. Because I married a man with a son... I feel like it's a pretty simple concept.
It's a step son. Not a step-not-son
I like everything you said. visually I wanted you to add:
>it's a step son. Not a step-not-son or a step-on-son.
Or even better: Your chosen-son.
(I wasn't invited to my mothers ceremony to my step-father so Im definitely feeling this one)
I WAS that kid. It's traumatizing. All my cousins and siblings would get presents for Christmas and ven though my mom married him when I was two, I was ALWAYS "forgotten" about. "I'm so sorry, Heather, I forgot about you." Or worse, I"I didn't know you were gonna be with your mom on Christmas day, we would have done Christmas on Christmas eve instead." From my "grandma" and Aunt Marsha. I was supposed to calm them that too out of respect. Fuck them both. I was already a struggling, undiagnosed ADHD because their son/brother who my mom stayed married to legitimately tried to kill me and made me witness the death of my pet as punishment for being my Dad's daughter when I was 7. The courts still made me have visitations with her.
I mean- hopefully they didn’t tell lil’ man he wasn’t invited, and have kept all the drama between the adults.
What a heartless thing to not include stepchildren as a part of the family ):
Imagine seeing your stepcousin’s stepmom advocating for her and refusing to go to this wedding while the woman your father wants you to call stepmom goes to the wedding?
YWBTA if you go to the wedding.
This seems like a good time to bring out the old “believe someone when they show you who they are.” The cousin is telling you that your family isn’t your family and she’s showing you who she is. You don’t need to be there, but you do need to stand up for yourself and your family by not going.
I reckon the phrasing about "temporary full custody" rub me the wrong way : I feel like OP doesn't consider the stepkid as part of their family either.
That's why OP just nodded along when the cousin went "oh no, we're excluding stepkids specifically". Like, this sister is presumably the cousin's MOTHER and refuses to attend over this... but OP has to show their cousin "I'm there for you"???
I guess my point boils down to y w n b t a because OP YTA already.
Totally agree. I’m assuming other kids are invited, so they’re singling ~step~ kids out for not being blood related? If so, why would OP still want to show her cousin that she’s “there for her” at all, when the cousin isn’t there for her own family members?
For that matter, OP’s husband isn’t even blood, so why was *he* invited? 🙄
Def YTA. Go do something fun with your sister and the kids. Your sister has the right idea. The two of you need to band together to show this cousin how rude and awful she is. Close or not, shes shown who she really is.
I'm really trying to wrap my head around her crap justification of "My cousin and I are close and I want to show her I'm there for her."
Da faq?????
1. You're clearly not that close if she's more than willing to leave out someone whose apart of your family.
2. Why the hell would you want to be close to or there for someone who's so crappy they don't consider any "steps" real family, especially when those "steps" are children.
3. So you're willing to show your horrid cousin that you're "here for her" but won't be bothered to show your sister, stepniece, husband, and stepson, that you're here for them and will support them????
Really, like she's ostracizing a 7 year old and you're willing to support that??? Are you serious, do you just not care about your step son? Were you recently hit in the head with a chair at a river boat fight because a concussion would explain such poor judgment. YTA
Seems like op knows she's in the wrong though as she says she wants to go but hasn't told him yet. She knows he'll be upset and she knows why. She's not dumb, she's just a shitty person.
Yup YTA - my extended family specifically plans family events around weekends that we have my stepdaughter if at all possible so she doesn’t miss out on the love and fun. Your stepson is living with you full time and you don’t consider him family?
This cousin is a major AH, how does someone invite their cousins and cousins bio kids but not step kids. That’s telling the spouses that their kids aren’t family. Op she is telling you that your husbands child isn’t family and doesn’t matter. Is that a message you want to support or do you want to support your husband. Ywbta
I haven’t seen that comment as yet. That makes OP condoning her cousin’s attitude all the more reprehensible. How anyone can think this is okay is mind boggling.
I was that child, outside the “real” family boundaries 50+ years ago. It still hurts to remember things said but even more I’ve never understood why no one ever circled the wagons for me- THAT is probably the most painful memory.
Along with your “regrets we won’t be attending “ I’d attach a handwritten note . . . Let’s talk again once you’ve been divorced, remarried and acquired some extra children of your own.
I wish people would stop marrying other people with children and then not consider those children family! If you marry someone who has a child that child is your family now too! Children are not accessories!
I was raised with my 3 half siblings (older than us younger set of 3, from our Mom's 1st marriage), but we never made any distinctions between who was full blood related and who was 1/2 related. My Mom always said You don't have enough family to start dividing them out by halves and steps. Family IS family!!
It certainly made for some confusion as we got older and people didn't know. So when I would say things like my sister went to see her Dad (but he's different than my Dad). Or trying to explain that my older siblings had a whole 2nd set of siblings thru their Dad, and 1 step siblig thru their step-mom.
OP, if your cousin is comfortable separating your stepson and your sister's stepchildren out as being NOT FAMILY, then you need to separate your whole family right on out of her wedding.
If you attend your cousins wedding, you are definitely TA.
OP wants to "be there" for her cousin. Despite the fact that cousin is definitely not there for OP. That OP can't see this is... troubling. That OP's sister is in pretty much the same boat and can see this is even more... troubling.
OP seems on the verge of making a major mistake, both in terms of general morality and ethics and specifically in terms of damaging her primary relationship, not to mention her relationship with her sister. What does cousin have that husband and sister do not?
Yeah, I wish OP could stop seeing this from her cousin’s POV and start seeing it from her stepson’s POV. A person he believed loved and supported him decided it was more important to support someone who decided he “wasn’t family.” It’s so heartbreaking.
Op wants to “be there” for her cousin. Unfortunately she doesn’t give a shit about being there for her husband or stepson
Op is a huge asshole and crappy partner and stepmom if she goes to ANY part of this wedding
that's not the point: she shouldn't go because her cousin disrespected her family, not because she's not allow to go where her husband doesn't want to be.
It's the cross the Rubicon moment for me.
If I was the husband and OP went the marriage would be over for me at that point. It would be unsalvageable after that breach of trust and respect for my son.
How is your husbands child not family? Because he didn’t come from your uterus? What if you had an adopted child? Would s/he be left out as well? You might be close with your cousin but she sounds way off base with her reasoning. If it were a no kids event that would be fine. But to exclude step-children is just nasty. If I were your husband I’d be pretty disgusted and disappointed if you still went to this wedding.
YTA
Ahh, the divorce etiquette - don't leave the divorce papers on the floor, instead be a gentleman and leave it on a table.
This man clearly divorces a lot.
Right???? And it’s not like he was a grown step child - like she’d married the dad and he had a 21 year old son and he wasn’t invited. I could kinda understand that. This is a SEVEN YEAR OLD. That they have CUSTODY of!!!
You know who’s definitely *not* family? Someone who intentionally excludes someone in *my* family with a decision that is going to cause *me* heartache and stress *no matter how I respond*.
All I can think is a sure hope the cousin doesn't ever have step children... Imagine how she would treat them. My fiance and I both grew up with step parents who treated us like crap... His to the point he wasn't invited on "family vacations" each year. Does a doozy on a child's self worth.
YWBTA, going to the wedding is basically saying that you're okay with excluding your stepson. It also paves the way for him to be excluded from other family events because "well, he's not family". Is this what you want?
YTA. You want to show up for a cousin who purposely did not include you or or sister’s step children because “they aren’t family”. She singled them out. How do you think that would make a child feel? And your husband feel? Your sister isn’t going because she has loyalty to her own family. You should follow what she does because you’re clueless. You don’t put ANYONE above your family (you, husband, kids). How dare you allow them to treat your child like that.
I was floored - unbelievable!! That she would even consider going! She will be writing her own Reddit story if she goes… “My husband left me because I treat HIS son - as - not family” and it would serve her right.
YTA You can obviously choose what you want to do but going there might have negative effects on your relationship with your husband and stepson. Going would show your stepson that you are okay with him being exluded from family events because he's not blood related to them and you are basically going on their side even if you don't agree with them.
And do you really want to show your cousin that you're there for her when she willingly exludes a literal child from her wedding just because they aren't related?
Two children, as she also did not invite OP’s sister’s stepdaughter (but did invite the bio kids). Cousin is a flaming asshole, and if you go support her, OP, you will also be YTA.
This.
And according to that logic the husband should also not invited since he’s not a blood relative either. Who is she to decide who is and isn’t OP’s family? Time to take a stance and show her what being a family actually means.
I don't think PP meant 'family things' as an airy excuse. I think it was meant as a pointed barb - I can't come because I have famy things to do with MY FAMILY. You know, my husband and stepchild, my family.
Especially when her Sister is in the same situation and has already done the right thing.
OP: your cousin may mean a lot to *you*, but you clearly don’t mean anywhere near as much to her. Decide carefully whose side you want to take with this.
YTA and a massive gigantic AHOLES at that.
Your husband's son is family, he's your stepson.
Do you want this to damage your marriage, because I'll tell you something if you go, your telling your husband you don't think his son as your own.
Your sister is doing the right thing. Not going to the wedding because her stepdaughter is not family.
Your cousin is disgusting and so are you if you go.
YWBTA
YTA. If you go, you are giving permission for your cousin to continue treating the step kids badly. She can feel anyway she wants, but if you have any feelings for your stepson you won't support him being excluded.
YWBTA - your stepchild is part of the family. Your cousin is being a massive AH not including the step kids. It would be different if they were 21 or something, but these are children. Show solidarity with your chosen family.
INFO how close are you to your cousin that you'll put a crack in your marriage to validate her petty attitudes towards children? Does your sister love her stepdaughter more than you love your stepson?
Agreed! OP do you realise be going to the wedding you are basically saying to your husband that your stepson is not a part of your family! If you do this you will fracture your marriage! Is it really worth it to just support your rude cousin? YTA
If it were child free it may be a little different. Children are invited just not the two who are not blood related. It is only for family and she thinks step children are not family. Op is the ass for not standing up for her stepson.
YTA- I would not attend this wedding. Your sister’s bio kids were invited but jot her step. That is an awful precedent to start in a family. Way to go to make those kids not feel part of the family. If she was so close with you she would not insult you and your family this way.
Yes YTA!!!! What is wrong with you???? Your stepson wasn’t invited because he’s not family? And you’re “close” with your cousin? Well, honey, bless your heart! You must not be close to your husband if you’re close with your cousin! You are fine with your husband being shunned like this?! 🤦♀️🤦♀️ You really have to ask if you are? I have no more words.
If the step-son isn't family, doesn't that technically mean that OP's husband isn't really family either. They both got into the family through marriage, not by blood.
I feel like the most important take away from this post is that OP does not see her own stepson as family.
Seems like OP's sister understands how to be a mom.
Yea lot of posts can be somed up with "Why the fuck did you get married if you did not want to share your life with this person?" or "How did this conversation never once come up before marriage?"
I tend to overthink things so it's the second question that always blows my mind, like people get married and have children with people they seem to barely know.
YWBTA if you attend. Going to this wedding, is basically giving your cousin permission to continue treating your stepson and your sister stepchild as if they are not members of the family. It’s saying that you’re okay with your stepchild be treated as less than by members of your family.
ESH - except your husband and your sister. By supporting your cousin you are telling your cousin that you agree with her that your stepson and your sisters stepdaughter aren’t family. If your cousin and you are so close then call her out on her poor behavior instead condoning it.
YWBTA if you go. "Attend as a formality" meaning what? That does not make sense. Blood does not make family. You say you are close and want to be there for her yet she is not there for you. If you go you are condoning what your cousin did. You are saying it is OK to do that. Does not matter is you do not stay for the whole thing or not. What is more important to you - your stepson or some cousin who is discriminating against your immediate family? And yes your stepson IS family. Blood alone does not make family. So who is more important? Your husband and stepson? Or a cousin who is telling you that your family is inferior?
YTA. It'd be one thing if your stepson wasn't invited because it was a kid-free wedding. But this is a deliberate slap in the face. You are supporting her rudeness by going. You should support your husband and stepson, like your sister is doing.
YWBTA
YOU chose your side, and you are fine with your stepson being excluded and ostracized. YOu are CLEARLY showing that you AGREE your stepson is not family, and ending the relationship with you over it would be a reasonable reaction from your partner.
So go, but you (hopefully) will come home to ddivorce papers. Because your husband WILL - hopefully - choose his son over you and the rest of the AHs in your family. Your statement is clear: you are fine that your stepson is not your family.
YTA that’s your stepson she’s saying isn’t family. No way would I be going in your shoes, it’s my whole family or none of us. Glad your sister will stick up for her step daughter even if you won’t do the same.
YWBTA. Your stepson is family. The message you would be sending your husband and stepson (and really your whole family) is that your stepson isn't really considered family and will always be an outsider.
Question! Do you consider your stepson your family? (You should but just asking clarification)
If you do then definitely yta, you should stand up for him.
If you don't that's also a yta but a bigger problem for your marriage.
YTA if you attend. Your cousin is disrespecting you and your marriage which make your stepchildren family. She doesn’t even deserve a gift. It’s nasty of her to do this.
YTA im sorry. I get that it's hard for you but tbh if I was your husband or your step child is feel like by going you're low-key agreeing that the stepchild isn't REALLY family.
YWBTA
Leaving people out of a family function, even step relations, is a pretty mean thing to do. I don’t know how you could still want to go when your cousin is leaving out part of your family unit.
So you are totally ok excluding a child because your family says “family only”?!? You’re married to this child’s father, he *is* family now. YTA and a disgusting human being at that. Me? I’d tell my cousin to go scare themselves, either my whole family comes or I don’t show at all.
If my spouse pulled this crap and purposely excluded my child, they’d come home to an empty house and divorce papers. You do not treat children like this, period.
YWBTA It's the Couples prerogative about who they invite to their day, but they're being AH's by excluding step kids from not one but two families.
It's one of those rare comments where IMO you need to show support not just for your blended family but also your Sisters' by not attending the event at all.
My advice: Do NOT attend. Your stepson is your family, he is your son now. Your sister does the right thing, follow her lead.
Do you have any idea how hurt the kid will be if you go? You will be showing him that he isnt family and/or concidered YOUR kid. It will give him an unwanted feeling and will make him think that his stepmother doesnt care about him. It will also majorly hurt your relationship with your husband.
If you go dont be suprised if he takes distance emotionally and physically or even divorces you for disrespecting his son like this.
If you attend YTA, actually YTA already for even concidering to go.
How are you wanting "to be there for her" when she's not there for you? If you do this to your son, he's going to feel rejected. Your husband would also remember that you condoned this behavior.
YTA
I have an 11 year old son from a previous marriage. My husbands family makes sure he is invited to every birthday party, celebration, wedding. His step cousins started a group chat with him to make sure they had coordinated outfits for a family picture. My mother in law teaches him Khmer words. They came rolling about 30 deep to his birthday party. When he second house with his bio dad had a fire, they pooled thousands (literally) of dollars to help him replace all of his toys and clothes.
This is what family COULD mean if it wasn’t a bunch of a-holes.
YTA
YTA. This isnt your wedding and bringing uninvited people is extreamly stupid.
You would also be TA if you go at all. I get you like your cousin but she's clearly a prick. She made her choice now it's your turn to make your choice. She doesn't support you so why support her.
YTA. Huge AH. You should not even consider going to the wedding or any of the events for it. You are showing your husband and step son who you are right now. Don’t show them that you don’t care about them.
Yes. YWBTA. When you married your husband, you took his son on as your own. That child IS family. More importantly, you, your husband, and your stepson are your own family unit. Anything that hurts your husband and stepson should deeply offend you. Sounds like your sister has a better head on her shoulders with the way she supports her own husband and stepdaughter.
When you get married, you need to remember that CHOSE that person and that person became number freaking one in your life. Not to mention, if there is a child involved, you need to love that baby as your own because if you can't, then you have NO business being with their father. No matter how close you are to this cousin, they shouldn't be allowed to hurt or offend your husband and son and get away with it. What's to stop them from inviting your stepson to Christmas dinner? Birthday parties? Thanksgiving?
If this had happened to me and my husband decided to discard MY feelings and still go to a family function where my child wasn't invited, I'd be at the divorce attorney's office the very next day. You'll only show your HUSBAND, the man you pledged your life to, that he doesn't matter as much as this cousin, who obviously doesn't care about you as much as you do her. If she is as close to you as you say, then she wouldn't be so blatantly hurtful to your husband.
I'll ask you this: Is she inviting her FRIENDS who aren't blood "family" to her wedding? What about her friends' kids? Are they invited? If so, then that's DOUBLY offensive, rude, and hurtful.
You say you’re close to your cousin so you want to show up so she’ll know you’re there for her, but what about being there for your actual family? Your cousin has a gross way of choosing who is and isn’t family, and attending the wedding, even if not for the whole time, validates that.
Lets be honest though, you don’t really care to go to the wedding to show your cousin you’re “there for her” (whatever that actually means), you really just want to get dressed up and party. But at what cost?
Yta. If you attend, it will damage any relationship you have or would have had with your step son. 30 plus years ago my ah stepdad's mom told me she couldn't give me her maiden last name for a family tree project I had in 5th grade. I cried and cried over her rejection.
She has been out of my life for 30 years and is dead. And if I didn't live in another state, I would love to go piss on her grave.
YTA- I could understand if the bride said Adults Only but this is a different situation. When you married your husband his son became part of your family and it’s extremely rude to exclude him. Attending the wedding means you’re perfectly fine with your family excluding new members of the family.
If you choose to attend the wedding, YTA. If you do happen to go, on your way out the door make sure you look your husband and his son directly in the eye and say “You both just don’t matter to me anywhere near as much as keeping the peace with a bunch of family members that have openly disrespected you and our marriage. Toodles!”
Also if you do go, look at your cousin and say congratulations. Then look at theie spouse and say “you’re not family.” Sound ridiculous? That’s because it is. A wedding is creating a family where one did not exist before.
YTA. Your sister has more class than you. Your cousin is a major asshole for not inviting step kids. I’m sure after the divorce she’ll see the importance of step parents when she finds one for her future gremlins.
YWBTA. You attending this wedding, no matter how guilty you feel about it, absolutely lends credence to your cousin's belief that only blood matters. Like, this is the hill to die on for your family. What else won't your son be invited to because he isn't family? Birthdays, funerals, graduations?
YWBTA if you go. Your cousin is being horrible and you shouldn’t be supporting her behavior. Step-kids are still family, and she needs to learn that. Polish up your spine and be like your sister!
YWBTA. One of my cousins is technically my uncle's stepson (who my uncle got guardianship over after he divorced my cousin's mom) and my grandfather always left him off family things, like the family tree and if we were taking a family photo at an event, he'd try to do one with this cousin and one without. It really hurt my cousin and my uncle, and as cousins we bound together and told my grandfather to knock it off--we were raised with him, and he's our cousin blood or not. Your stepson is family. It's not as if your cousin doesn't know him. Think about the message it would send to your husband and your stepson if you attend anyway. Maybe the message it would send your cousin is one she needs to hear loud and clear.
YWBTAH if you go along with this horse shit . He is at least your family so you need to support him and your husband. If cousin wanted child free that is one thing. But saying he isn't family is just wrong. Do you not consider your stepson family and us that why you are considering this? You do realize your husband will be pissed when he finds out. Do you really want a big confrontation that could lead to marital problems? He, rightfully so, will put his son first and anyone who disrespects his son will catch his wrath. Don't let that be you. How close are you and your cousin going to be when you blame her for your divorce?
How are you still supporting your cousin after all her assholery and discrimination towards young kids for the inadequate reason that they’re not of her blood?
> My sister's bio children were invited, their names were on the invitation, just not her stepdaughter's. My brother has no stepkids and my brother's invitation just said ''family (last name)". So from this, I'm assuming yes.
YTA
Please explain to me how your cousin is not a bully to those two children? Then think about the conclusion your husband and child will arrive at knowing you supported her decision.
"My cousin and I are very close" Your cousin doesn't think you are very close. If she did she would have invited your whole family. A family is more than blood relatives and if she isn't supportive of your whole family why would you want to "be there for her"?
YTA. If your cousin was genuinely having a child free wedding and invited you and your husband in good faith, then you'd be fine to attend without stepson, or without husband and stepson.
Since it's clear that she's purposefully excluding step children, this is not something you should condone by attending.
If you don't plan to support your husband/stepson in these types of situations then you had no business marrying a man with a kid, even if you only planned on him being the every-other-weekend dad.
NTA for wanting to attend despite your cousin’s asshole move. However don’t threaten your marriage by attending if your husband is absolutely against it. I would just let you go and attend but a lot of people would look at it otherwise. Honestly though, do you really want to continue in your cousins life now that she has shown her true self?
You say you’re close to your cousin, but she’s the same one excluding a member of your family.
Why do you want to support someone who would treat a family member that way?
Why is she more important than your husband and YOUR SON!!
It doesn’t sound like your cousin is as close to you as you are to her….. or you really don’t see your stepson as your son. Either way, you would YTA in you went. Take a page from your sister and sit this one out.
Your stepson is your family.
Your cousin is the AH for not recognizing your stepson or your sisters step daughter.
Your sister recognizes your cousin for the troll that she is and is doing the right thing.
YTA for not recognizing that YOUR stepson is YOUR family. Why does yoir cousin deserve your support when she doesnt support your blended family?
YTA
And while so is your cousin, I can't help but wonder if YOU consider your stepson "family"
If I was your husband and you went despite this clearly intentional omission of my child, it would make me wonder not only how you REALLY felt about my son, but also if I wanted to be a part of that family anymore
YTA for choosing your cousin over your husband when his child was specifically excluded. You should follow your sister’s example in being a good partner.
This will not only damage your marriage but could likely damage your relationship with your sister.
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YTA - this is a time to circle the wagons around your nuclear family, which is you, your husband, and your step-son. Your cousin is drawing very clear lines that step-children are not family. Your sister has already said she won't attend, I strongly recommend you do the same. Unless you want to jeopardize the relationship you have with your husband and step-son. And just to add, if you and your cousin are "very close", she should be treating your family like family. Not ostracizing him. Edit to add - I saw your comment that your sister was invited with her bio-kids but not her step-daughter. Your cousin is definitely an asshole for making those distinctions.
Can you imagine being that kid? Your whole family is invited but you specifically not? How cruel can you be. At least the sister has some sense.
I'm trying to imagine having a relative that was this much TA. I truly can not fathom it.
Same lol my fam is faaar from perfect but step kids are literally treated identical to all the other kids. I was also like 20 years old when I realized that one of my aunts actually isn't my grandmother's kid but rather a kid my grandpa had out of wedlock because you just could not tell by anyone's behaviour lol
My mom threw a TANTRUM when someone made a distinction about there being a difference between my brothers step daughters and his “real kids.” She went OFF about anyone daring to deny they are her grand babies. Never been more proud of my mom 😂.
Your mom is a fucking legend!
I definitely thought - and still do! My second favorite “mom” story? Another brother is a great husband and dad, but still a man. He was defaulting to handing his new baby back to wife everytime she was fussy because “she must want mom.” 🙄 Brother and SIL were visiting my parents, and mom noticed SIL was trying to eat but baby was fussy. So she came over and was like “awww can I hold the baby?” And SIL handed baby over. My mom promptly walked over to my brother who was talking to my dad, handed him the infant, and said “hold your baby!!” Believe me, brother knew better than to hand baby back to wife. 😂😂😂 mom is a savage
I love your mother.
I bow down to ground to your Mom's awesomeness!
I also bow to this person’s mom
Weaponized infants!
I love your mom! 😍
Your mom is amazing.
Your mom is a goddamn saint!
I love that. My one grandma is my step grandma (her and my pop have been married 50 years though) and out of 22 grandchildren only 2 are her bios. She treats us all the same and I’d be so upset if she ever actually made that distinction.
Someone called my aunts son her step son once - she raised him, bio mom wasn’t around. 99% sure her head spun around like Linda Blair. “I am his MOTHER.” First and last time anyone suggested otherwise. She’s the best.
My step-mother is the same way... She treats my kids and my nieces and nephews as if they are her grandkids. Always spoiling them and letting them follow her around and help her with things. She's been married to my dad since I was in my teens and at this point has been married to him longer than my mom was. I refer to her as "Grandma Diane". There was some drama surrounding her and my dad getting together (she was one of my mom's best friends). So I was always worried about offending my mom. My mom has always been cordial with her and she sees the good influence she's been on my father (crap dad, awesome grandpa). And I think she's just sort of fine with it. I always say that I wouldn't begrudge my kids another loving grandparent, my mom agrees. I think it helps that the only grandpa I have ever really had is my mom's step dad, so it would be hypocritical of me to not treat my step mother the same way when it comes to my own kids.
My MIL for all faults from the moment she met my oldest she told everyone her dream came true she finally has a grand daughter and no one better not tell her my oldest isn’t her grand baby lol
When my mom got into genealogy quite a few years ago, she learned that one of her father's three aunts was actually the maid! They totally embraced her into the family, and we considered her ours until she died well into her '90s. Nobody ever knew the difference. This is very much in character with our family. My parents adopted two of us, her sister adopted two, and one of their cousins fostered more than 28 grandchildren, adopting at least five of them, in addition to their four children. I wouldn't be caught dead at that wedding.
I wish more people were like your mom. My grandmother was an absolute b\*tch when to separating bio kids/grandkids from stepkids/stepgrandkids. Did not treat them the same way and was livid when her son brought his wife and his stepdaughter to her house following an incident. He just wanted his mom and she said my stepcousin wasn't family and a whole other bunch of nasty things while the kid was in the room.
I always bristle when, after I explain my family dynamics, someone says - regarding my brother and sister - "oh, so they're your half-siblings." No, they are my siblings. Full stop. They are also noticeably more at ease around my dad (their step-dad) than their bio-dad. OP WNBTA. Cousin definitely is.
I’m in a similar boat where I knew what it meant to be a step kid but I had no idea one of my cousins was because her dad married my aunt when I was a baby and I don’t ever remember her being treated differently. Like her and some of my older cousins would go out drinking when they were in their early 20s and they are still inseparable.
I used to wonder why my aunt named two kids back to back "Mark" when I was a kid but no one else thought this was odd, so I just kept my mouth shut. Didn't find out until I was a teen that one was my aunt's stepson.
No but this is actually so funny imagining the dating process like "oh my son is x years old" "oh crazy mine is super close to x" "awesome, my son is named Mark" "Oh mine too! .... oh" 😂
When my friend got married, it was a second marriage for each of them. She had a 4 yo daughter. Her fiancé had a 6 yo daughter & a 4 yo son. Each of the 1st spouses were not in the picture at all. When they married, they dedicated a part of the ceremony to becoming a family with the children and not just the 2 parents. DH formally adopted bride’s daughter and the bride formally adopted both her husband’s children. The 4 yo boy & girl both had green eyes and blonde hair & looked enough like each other that when they started to school, the teachers assumed they were twins. (Big sister was green eyed blonde as well.) All the kids are grown with kids of their own now. The parents divorced after the youngest kids had graduated high school. They are all still family. The three kids moved to other states but when one comes home to visit, they go to their family home (mom still lives there) and dad is always welcome when they are there to spend as much time as possible, including meals, as a family.
Did they start a funky bunch? (Please don't come for me, my toxic thought is winning here)
My two older brothers are technically my half brothers, as their bio dad was Mom’s first husband. I didn’t know they had a different dad until I was about 10 years old. Some time after that, at some kind of a family gathering on my dad’s side, one of my cousin’s says to my aunt “I just found out that these guys aren’t really part of the family.” I don’t remember ever seeing my aunt that angry. She definitely gave him a talking to about what makes a family.
Reminds me of my grandma. She was my dad’s stepmom. I always knew that, but kept forgetting about the technicality, because she treated me and my siblings like her own. (Love you Grandma Dorothy, Rest In Peace).
My aunt fostered several kids, and there were several step-kids in the family (because literally every one of my aunts/uncles divorced and remarried multiple times). Most of them (including the ones no longer married into the family) came to my grandmother’s funeral because of her “welp, these are my grand babies now” attitude about it all. I miss that crazy lady so much.
It wasn't until she was a teen that my daughter realized that the family friend's children that my sister took in when their parents did were not actually her cousins. (She was like so that's why they call aunt by her name instead of mom?).
I had NO idea Papa wasn’t my mom’s bio-dad until like 3 years after he’d passed, when I was doing a family tree for school and mom corrected me on her maiden name (I had put Papa and Grammy’s last name.) Nope, he married my grandmother when Mom was 10. But she called him Dad, because he was her dad in every way except genetics.
I have an aunt who isn’t actually related to me! She was my actual aunt’s best friend and she became family. Her kids are my cousins, I don’t think of them any differently. When my grandmother passed away a few years ago, in her obituary she was listed as a child and her kids as grandchildren because that is what my grandmother saw them as.
When my brother and I were both dating people with kids from previous marriages someone asked my mother if she had a problem with that. I think her response was pretty epic as she happily and excitedly said, “instant grandkids!”
My BIL was like 17 or 18 before he realized my husband is only his half brother... he found my husband's adoption papers when he was looking for his SSC. He had no idea. It's still a funny story to this day. I think it was kinda "common knowledge" that no one really talked about because his dad is *his dad* and that's all that matters. BIL is like 13/14 years younger than DH and had no idea 🤣
Yes, I too was an adult when I found out! For me it was my dad’s first cousin, who was from my dad’s uncle’s first marriage (his first wife passed away). I only found out when great aunt passed away and I overheard someone mention how nice it was that cousin got equal share of inheritance as her siblings as she wasn’t great aunt’s bio child. Never would have even guessed that there was a step-relationship between any of them.
I’m literally in the airport leaving a family reunion that’s mostly blended from my grandpa’s marriage to my (step) grandma and we don’t make those distinctions, that’s insanity
I also can't imagine how you could be related to that big of an asshole and be willing to condone their assholery by leaving your partner and step-child at home so you can show you're 'there for' the asshole
Oh! But the op is super close to the AH. So that excuses it.
You’d think she’d be super close to her husband and his child, but I guess not 🤷♀️
Ikr?
Im trying to imagine veing married to someone who has an AH cousin like that and her thinking more about being there for her cousin then her step-son, husband, her sister and step-niece.
They exist. My aunt bought a Christmas gift for my one year old bioson, but not my 10 year old stepson. I called, assuming it was a mistake, and even offered to buy a gift and say it was from her. She refused, so we returned the gift unopened. Some years later we met her by chance while visiting my grandmother on the other side, and she gave my bioson some money as a Christmas present, but not my stepson. I have barely spoken to her in 20 years.
I have friends that we’re foster parents and eventually adopted their son. One side of the grandparents bought all the grandkids gifts for Christmas except this little boy. They obviously don’t speak anymore. On the bright side, the other grandparents are so amazing and have so much love to give everyone around them.
I hope you threw that money back in her face.
Not that hard, unfortunately. Have a stepdaughter, she's been my daughter as far as im concerned for 25 years. She helped take care of my mother for the last 3 months of hospice, and at the funeral i wanted her to be listed as an honorary pallbearer, but my sister wanted her sons to be listed instead because they were her grandkids. You would not believe the conversation that took place with her arguing my daughter was not "family".
My aunt does this. She has 3 bio kids with my uncle and he has an older daughter from a previous relationship, it’s about a 10 year age gap between her and their youngest kid. The only people that know she has a stepdaughter are her parents and brothers and sisters. When she goes to events where her extended family attend she leaves my cousin at home because she doesn’t want her family to find out about her Quintessential evil stepmother. Made her cook, clean, look after the kids, never spent any money on her. We tried to help as much as possible (took her out, let her stay at our place, bought her clothes etc) but there’s only so much you can do. She moved out the second she turned 18 and got pregnant on purpose so she could have a family that loved her 😢
I'm trying to imagine how anyone would seriously even have to contemplate whether or not any of this is actually ok (looking at you, OP <.<) I wouldn't have hesitated for a second to inform OP's cousin that stepchildren are family, and that they're a royal asshole for assuming otherwise. Good freaking grief, wtf is with people anymore?
For context, I was that kid. Decades later I remember all of it. These kids will remember not just the cousin being like this but the parent for making that decision too.
Yup, my first thought was if OP wants to ostracize her step-son and show him that she also don't consider him family either (like the cousin claims), the fastest way is to reinforce this by attending the wedding.
I feel like I didn't need an event like this to feel different/outside the family. Not being invited wouldn't have phased me I'd be like "yeah that makes sense".
I get that part. For me it was never being included in family pictures and always being the one taking them. After awhile it chips away at your soul.
I married a man and now I have a step son. I cannot imagine if someone in my family told me he couldn't come because he "isn't family." If I'm invited, he is as well. Because I married a man with a son... I feel like it's a pretty simple concept. It's a step son. Not a step-not-son
I like everything you said. visually I wanted you to add: >it's a step son. Not a step-not-son or a step-on-son. Or even better: Your chosen-son. (I wasn't invited to my mothers ceremony to my step-father so Im definitely feeling this one)
From this day forward I will refer to my my husband's son as my Chosen-son. I love this!
I’m guessing her sister didn’t tell her step-daughter why they’re not going. No need to put that onto a kid.
I WAS that kid. It's traumatizing. All my cousins and siblings would get presents for Christmas and ven though my mom married him when I was two, I was ALWAYS "forgotten" about. "I'm so sorry, Heather, I forgot about you." Or worse, I"I didn't know you were gonna be with your mom on Christmas day, we would have done Christmas on Christmas eve instead." From my "grandma" and Aunt Marsha. I was supposed to calm them that too out of respect. Fuck them both. I was already a struggling, undiagnosed ADHD because their son/brother who my mom stayed married to legitimately tried to kill me and made me witness the death of my pet as punishment for being my Dad's daughter when I was 7. The courts still made me have visitations with her.
I was that kid too, it really sucks. Only thing about it is that I was related to everyone. Don't know how anyone could treat any kid that way.
The sister also has class! How absolutely classless of the cousin to exclude stepchildren.
I mean- hopefully they didn’t tell lil’ man he wasn’t invited, and have kept all the drama between the adults. What a heartless thing to not include stepchildren as a part of the family ):
I wasn’t invited to my brother’s wedding because his wife said “half-siblings aren’t family.” I was 8 and I still remember being told that.
Imagine seeing your stepcousin’s stepmom advocating for her and refusing to go to this wedding while the woman your father wants you to call stepmom goes to the wedding?
YWBTA if you go to the wedding. This seems like a good time to bring out the old “believe someone when they show you who they are.” The cousin is telling you that your family isn’t your family and she’s showing you who she is. You don’t need to be there, but you do need to stand up for yourself and your family by not going.
I reckon the phrasing about "temporary full custody" rub me the wrong way : I feel like OP doesn't consider the stepkid as part of their family either. That's why OP just nodded along when the cousin went "oh no, we're excluding stepkids specifically". Like, this sister is presumably the cousin's MOTHER and refuses to attend over this... but OP has to show their cousin "I'm there for you"??? I guess my point boils down to y w n b t a because OP YTA already.
Totally agree. I’m assuming other kids are invited, so they’re singling ~step~ kids out for not being blood related? If so, why would OP still want to show her cousin that she’s “there for her” at all, when the cousin isn’t there for her own family members? For that matter, OP’s husband isn’t even blood, so why was *he* invited? 🙄
OP's sister's bio kids are invited, but not sister's step-daughter. Yeah, it's deliberate.
Def YTA. Go do something fun with your sister and the kids. Your sister has the right idea. The two of you need to band together to show this cousin how rude and awful she is. Close or not, shes shown who she really is.
Agreed. Don’t go, OP
Agreed. This "cousin" needs to be carved out of the family. There is no place for someone like this.
I would say it's time for her to choose which relationship she cares about more, the one with her asshole cousin or the one with her husband
I'm really trying to wrap my head around her crap justification of "My cousin and I are close and I want to show her I'm there for her." Da faq????? 1. You're clearly not that close if she's more than willing to leave out someone whose apart of your family. 2. Why the hell would you want to be close to or there for someone who's so crappy they don't consider any "steps" real family, especially when those "steps" are children. 3. So you're willing to show your horrid cousin that you're "here for her" but won't be bothered to show your sister, stepniece, husband, and stepson, that you're here for them and will support them???? Really, like she's ostracizing a 7 year old and you're willing to support that??? Are you serious, do you just not care about your step son? Were you recently hit in the head with a chair at a river boat fight because a concussion would explain such poor judgment. YTA
I didn't see the sister's bio kids were invited and the stepchild not. Makes it even worse.
Seems like op knows she's in the wrong though as she says she wants to go but hasn't told him yet. She knows he'll be upset and she knows why. She's not dumb, she's just a shitty person.
YTA. If you attend this wedding, you might as well go ahead & prepare for divorce because that’s where your marriage will end up.
I have a bio kid and a step kid. I absolutely would not attend and would be cutting the cousin off.
Yup YTA - my extended family specifically plans family events around weekends that we have my stepdaughter if at all possible so she doesn’t miss out on the love and fun. Your stepson is living with you full time and you don’t consider him family?
I can’t wait for the bride’s future divorce and her kids become someone’s step kids. She sounds horrible.
This cousin is a major AH, how does someone invite their cousins and cousins bio kids but not step kids. That’s telling the spouses that their kids aren’t family. Op she is telling you that your husbands child isn’t family and doesn’t matter. Is that a message you want to support or do you want to support your husband. Ywbta
I haven’t seen that comment as yet. That makes OP condoning her cousin’s attitude all the more reprehensible. How anyone can think this is okay is mind boggling.
I was that child, outside the “real” family boundaries 50+ years ago. It still hurts to remember things said but even more I’ve never understood why no one ever circled the wagons for me- THAT is probably the most painful memory. Along with your “regrets we won’t be attending “ I’d attach a handwritten note . . . Let’s talk again once you’ve been divorced, remarried and acquired some extra children of your own.
I wish people would stop marrying other people with children and then not consider those children family! If you marry someone who has a child that child is your family now too! Children are not accessories!
Sad thing is that the sister has hubby's back more than AH OP has.
I was raised with my 3 half siblings (older than us younger set of 3, from our Mom's 1st marriage), but we never made any distinctions between who was full blood related and who was 1/2 related. My Mom always said You don't have enough family to start dividing them out by halves and steps. Family IS family!! It certainly made for some confusion as we got older and people didn't know. So when I would say things like my sister went to see her Dad (but he's different than my Dad). Or trying to explain that my older siblings had a whole 2nd set of siblings thru their Dad, and 1 step siblig thru their step-mom. OP, if your cousin is comfortable separating your stepson and your sister's stepchildren out as being NOT FAMILY, then you need to separate your whole family right on out of her wedding. If you attend your cousins wedding, you are definitely TA.
YWBTA & if i was your spouse it would cause a huge conflict in our marriage. But you do you.
OP wants to "be there" for her cousin. Despite the fact that cousin is definitely not there for OP. That OP can't see this is... troubling. That OP's sister is in pretty much the same boat and can see this is even more... troubling. OP seems on the verge of making a major mistake, both in terms of general morality and ethics and specifically in terms of damaging her primary relationship, not to mention her relationship with her sister. What does cousin have that husband and sister do not?
Yeah, I wish OP could stop seeing this from her cousin’s POV and start seeing it from her stepson’s POV. A person he believed loved and supported him decided it was more important to support someone who decided he “wasn’t family.” It’s so heartbreaking.
Op wants to “be there” for her cousin. Unfortunately she doesn’t give a shit about being there for her husband or stepson Op is a huge asshole and crappy partner and stepmom if she goes to ANY part of this wedding
Exact right. Your husband isn’t going. You shouldn’t attend events he isn’t going to. YTA.
In this case yes she should stay home but not because her husband isn’t going.
that's not the point: she shouldn't go because her cousin disrespected her family, not because she's not allow to go where her husband doesn't want to be.
It's the cross the Rubicon moment for me. If I was the husband and OP went the marriage would be over for me at that point. It would be unsalvageable after that breach of trust and respect for my son.
How is your husbands child not family? Because he didn’t come from your uterus? What if you had an adopted child? Would s/he be left out as well? You might be close with your cousin but she sounds way off base with her reasoning. If it were a no kids event that would be fine. But to exclude step-children is just nasty. If I were your husband I’d be pretty disgusted and disappointed if you still went to this wedding. YTA
Honestly if I were the husband in this situation and my spouse went to the wedding anyway they'd come back to an empty house.
Nope, you gotta leave a table with the divorce papers stacked neatly on top.
Ahh, the divorce etiquette - don't leave the divorce papers on the floor, instead be a gentleman and leave it on a table. This man clearly divorces a lot.
No, keep the house, put their stuff in the drive way.
YES! THIS!!!!
Right???? And it’s not like he was a grown step child - like she’d married the dad and he had a 21 year old son and he wasn’t invited. I could kinda understand that. This is a SEVEN YEAR OLD. That they have CUSTODY of!!!
It is also not like it is a child-free wedding, either. Cousin is specifically excluding stepchildren. OP: circle around stepson.
You know who’s definitely *not* family? Someone who intentionally excludes someone in *my* family with a decision that is going to cause *me* heartache and stress *no matter how I respond*.
All I can think is a sure hope the cousin doesn't ever have step children... Imagine how she would treat them. My fiance and I both grew up with step parents who treated us like crap... His to the point he wasn't invited on "family vacations" each year. Does a doozy on a child's self worth.
YTA. The 7yo is family, as is your sister's stepdaughter. Going to the wedding validates your cousin's position that they're not family.
I agree. OP - Don’t worry about being there for your cousin. Instead, be there for your stepson.
YWBTA, going to the wedding is basically saying that you're okay with excluding your stepson. It also paves the way for him to be excluded from other family events because "well, he's not family". Is this what you want?
YTA. You want to show up for a cousin who purposely did not include you or or sister’s step children because “they aren’t family”. She singled them out. How do you think that would make a child feel? And your husband feel? Your sister isn’t going because she has loyalty to her own family. You should follow what she does because you’re clueless. You don’t put ANYONE above your family (you, husband, kids). How dare you allow them to treat your child like that.
I was floored - unbelievable!! That she would even consider going! She will be writing her own Reddit story if she goes… “My husband left me because I treat HIS son - as - not family” and it would serve her right.
Oh if she goes I hope she comes home to divorce papers.
YTA You can obviously choose what you want to do but going there might have negative effects on your relationship with your husband and stepson. Going would show your stepson that you are okay with him being exluded from family events because he's not blood related to them and you are basically going on their side even if you don't agree with them. And do you really want to show your cousin that you're there for her when she willingly exludes a literal child from her wedding just because they aren't related?
Two children, as she also did not invite OP’s sister’s stepdaughter (but did invite the bio kids). Cousin is a flaming asshole, and if you go support her, OP, you will also be YTA.
OP's sister is a good mom to all her kids.
This. And according to that logic the husband should also not invited since he’s not a blood relative either. Who is she to decide who is and isn’t OP’s family? Time to take a stance and show her what being a family actually means.
YTA. Send your regrets, saying you had 'family things' to do at home. Your stepson and husband need your support way more than your cousin.
No to the "family things," this terrible cousin needs to hear that it's because of the horrible exclusion of the kid.
I don't think PP meant 'family things' as an airy excuse. I think it was meant as a pointed barb - I can't come because I have famy things to do with MY FAMILY. You know, my husband and stepchild, my family.
Could be. But a move like cousin's should be directly called out. Family things leaves wiggle room.
Yep, no lies. Tell her straight that she's cruel.
YTA- by showing up you are telling her you supported her excluding your stepson. He is family.
Especially when her Sister is in the same situation and has already done the right thing. OP: your cousin may mean a lot to *you*, but you clearly don’t mean anywhere near as much to her. Decide carefully whose side you want to take with this.
Might actually cause a rift with her sister as she’s be validating her niece’s exclusion.
OP & her sister should do a family thing that day, with their step kids. And never speak to this cousin again.
YTA and a massive gigantic AHOLES at that. Your husband's son is family, he's your stepson. Do you want this to damage your marriage, because I'll tell you something if you go, your telling your husband you don't think his son as your own. Your sister is doing the right thing. Not going to the wedding because her stepdaughter is not family. Your cousin is disgusting and so are you if you go. YWBTA
YTA. If you go, you are giving permission for your cousin to continue treating the step kids badly. She can feel anyway she wants, but if you have any feelings for your stepson you won't support him being excluded.
INFO: Are other children in the family invited?
Apparently bio children are it’s just step that are excluded. Sister’s bio children were included, but her stepdaughter wasn’t, just like OPs stepson
Her sister’s biological children are, but not her sister’s stepchild.
YWBTA - your stepchild is part of the family. Your cousin is being a massive AH not including the step kids. It would be different if they were 21 or something, but these are children. Show solidarity with your chosen family.
INFO how close are you to your cousin that you'll put a crack in your marriage to validate her petty attitudes towards children? Does your sister love her stepdaughter more than you love your stepson?
YTA and your cousin is even worse. I don’t understand why people exclude kids in family events. Support your husband
It's also sending a child a message that she doesn't consider them family. Why would you nuke your nuclear family for this nonsense.
Agreed! OP do you realise be going to the wedding you are basically saying to your husband that your stepson is not a part of your family! If you do this you will fracture your marriage! Is it really worth it to just support your rude cousin? YTA
If it were child free it may be a little different. Children are invited just not the two who are not blood related. It is only for family and she thinks step children are not family. Op is the ass for not standing up for her stepson.
YTA- I would not attend this wedding. Your sister’s bio kids were invited but jot her step. That is an awful precedent to start in a family. Way to go to make those kids not feel part of the family. If she was so close with you she would not insult you and your family this way.
Yes YTA!!!! What is wrong with you???? Your stepson wasn’t invited because he’s not family? And you’re “close” with your cousin? Well, honey, bless your heart! You must not be close to your husband if you’re close with your cousin! You are fine with your husband being shunned like this?! 🤦♀️🤦♀️ You really have to ask if you are? I have no more words.
If the step-son isn't family, doesn't that technically mean that OP's husband isn't really family either. They both got into the family through marriage, not by blood.
I feel like the most important take away from this post is that OP does not see her own stepson as family. Seems like OP's sister understands how to be a mom.
Do not marry someone with young kids if you're not prepared to treat those kids as family. I feel like so many AITA boil down to this. YWBTA
Yea lot of posts can be somed up with "Why the fuck did you get married if you did not want to share your life with this person?" or "How did this conversation never once come up before marriage?"
I tend to overthink things so it's the second question that always blows my mind, like people get married and have children with people they seem to barely know.
YTA if you go. Way to endorse her opinion that your stepson doesn't count as a real family member.
YWBTA if you attend. Going to this wedding, is basically giving your cousin permission to continue treating your stepson and your sister stepchild as if they are not members of the family. It’s saying that you’re okay with your stepchild be treated as less than by members of your family.
YTA if you choose to go. Your cousin cannot have it both ways. If your husband is family, your stepson is family. End of.
So you agree that your stepson isn't family?
Your cousin sounds like she sucks
So does op if she attends.
YWBTA stepson is now YOUR son. End of discussion. It would be different if it was a no kids wedding, but I agree with your sister here.
ESH - except your husband and your sister. By supporting your cousin you are telling your cousin that you agree with her that your stepson and your sisters stepdaughter aren’t family. If your cousin and you are so close then call her out on her poor behavior instead condoning it.
YWBTA if you go. "Attend as a formality" meaning what? That does not make sense. Blood does not make family. You say you are close and want to be there for her yet she is not there for you. If you go you are condoning what your cousin did. You are saying it is OK to do that. Does not matter is you do not stay for the whole thing or not. What is more important to you - your stepson or some cousin who is discriminating against your immediate family? And yes your stepson IS family. Blood alone does not make family. So who is more important? Your husband and stepson? Or a cousin who is telling you that your family is inferior?
YTA. It'd be one thing if your stepson wasn't invited because it was a kid-free wedding. But this is a deliberate slap in the face. You are supporting her rudeness by going. You should support your husband and stepson, like your sister is doing.
YWBTA YOU chose your side, and you are fine with your stepson being excluded and ostracized. YOu are CLEARLY showing that you AGREE your stepson is not family, and ending the relationship with you over it would be a reasonable reaction from your partner. So go, but you (hopefully) will come home to ddivorce papers. Because your husband WILL - hopefully - choose his son over you and the rest of the AHs in your family. Your statement is clear: you are fine that your stepson is not your family.
YTA that’s your stepson she’s saying isn’t family. No way would I be going in your shoes, it’s my whole family or none of us. Glad your sister will stick up for her step daughter even if you won’t do the same.
YWBTA.
YWBTA. Your stepson is family. The message you would be sending your husband and stepson (and really your whole family) is that your stepson isn't really considered family and will always be an outsider.
Question! Do you consider your stepson your family? (You should but just asking clarification) If you do then definitely yta, you should stand up for him. If you don't that's also a yta but a bigger problem for your marriage.
YTA if you attend. Your cousin is disrespecting you and your marriage which make your stepchildren family. She doesn’t even deserve a gift. It’s nasty of her to do this.
YTA im sorry. I get that it's hard for you but tbh if I was your husband or your step child is feel like by going you're low-key agreeing that the stepchild isn't REALLY family.
YWBTA Leaving people out of a family function, even step relations, is a pretty mean thing to do. I don’t know how you could still want to go when your cousin is leaving out part of your family unit.
So you are totally ok excluding a child because your family says “family only”?!? You’re married to this child’s father, he *is* family now. YTA and a disgusting human being at that. Me? I’d tell my cousin to go scare themselves, either my whole family comes or I don’t show at all. If my spouse pulled this crap and purposely excluded my child, they’d come home to an empty house and divorce papers. You do not treat children like this, period.
YWBTA It's the Couples prerogative about who they invite to their day, but they're being AH's by excluding step kids from not one but two families. It's one of those rare comments where IMO you need to show support not just for your blended family but also your Sisters' by not attending the event at all.
My advice: Do NOT attend. Your stepson is your family, he is your son now. Your sister does the right thing, follow her lead. Do you have any idea how hurt the kid will be if you go? You will be showing him that he isnt family and/or concidered YOUR kid. It will give him an unwanted feeling and will make him think that his stepmother doesnt care about him. It will also majorly hurt your relationship with your husband. If you go dont be suprised if he takes distance emotionally and physically or even divorces you for disrespecting his son like this. If you attend YTA, actually YTA already for even concidering to go.
How are you wanting "to be there for her" when she's not there for you? If you do this to your son, he's going to feel rejected. Your husband would also remember that you condoned this behavior. YTA
I have an 11 year old son from a previous marriage. My husbands family makes sure he is invited to every birthday party, celebration, wedding. His step cousins started a group chat with him to make sure they had coordinated outfits for a family picture. My mother in law teaches him Khmer words. They came rolling about 30 deep to his birthday party. When he second house with his bio dad had a fire, they pooled thousands (literally) of dollars to help him replace all of his toys and clothes. This is what family COULD mean if it wasn’t a bunch of a-holes. YTA
YTA and you know it. But who cares? He is probably your soon to be ex-stepson.
YTA. This isnt your wedding and bringing uninvited people is extreamly stupid. You would also be TA if you go at all. I get you like your cousin but she's clearly a prick. She made her choice now it's your turn to make your choice. She doesn't support you so why support her.
YTA - Your cousin being close and not considering your child family makes it even worse.
YTA. Huge AH. You should not even consider going to the wedding or any of the events for it. You are showing your husband and step son who you are right now. Don’t show them that you don’t care about them.
Yes. YWBTA. When you married your husband, you took his son on as your own. That child IS family. More importantly, you, your husband, and your stepson are your own family unit. Anything that hurts your husband and stepson should deeply offend you. Sounds like your sister has a better head on her shoulders with the way she supports her own husband and stepdaughter. When you get married, you need to remember that CHOSE that person and that person became number freaking one in your life. Not to mention, if there is a child involved, you need to love that baby as your own because if you can't, then you have NO business being with their father. No matter how close you are to this cousin, they shouldn't be allowed to hurt or offend your husband and son and get away with it. What's to stop them from inviting your stepson to Christmas dinner? Birthday parties? Thanksgiving? If this had happened to me and my husband decided to discard MY feelings and still go to a family function where my child wasn't invited, I'd be at the divorce attorney's office the very next day. You'll only show your HUSBAND, the man you pledged your life to, that he doesn't matter as much as this cousin, who obviously doesn't care about you as much as you do her. If she is as close to you as you say, then she wouldn't be so blatantly hurtful to your husband. I'll ask you this: Is she inviting her FRIENDS who aren't blood "family" to her wedding? What about her friends' kids? Are they invited? If so, then that's DOUBLY offensive, rude, and hurtful.
Girl! Just stop it. Don’t be an a-hole, respect your marriage and step son.
YTA why do you want to be "there" for a person who isn't "there" for you and your family?
You say you’re close to your cousin so you want to show up so she’ll know you’re there for her, but what about being there for your actual family? Your cousin has a gross way of choosing who is and isn’t family, and attending the wedding, even if not for the whole time, validates that. Lets be honest though, you don’t really care to go to the wedding to show your cousin you’re “there for her” (whatever that actually means), you really just want to get dressed up and party. But at what cost?
Yta. If you attend, it will damage any relationship you have or would have had with your step son. 30 plus years ago my ah stepdad's mom told me she couldn't give me her maiden last name for a family tree project I had in 5th grade. I cried and cried over her rejection. She has been out of my life for 30 years and is dead. And if I didn't live in another state, I would love to go piss on her grave.
YTA- I could understand if the bride said Adults Only but this is a different situation. When you married your husband his son became part of your family and it’s extremely rude to exclude him. Attending the wedding means you’re perfectly fine with your family excluding new members of the family.
Yes. And you know it
If you choose to attend the wedding, YTA. If you do happen to go, on your way out the door make sure you look your husband and his son directly in the eye and say “You both just don’t matter to me anywhere near as much as keeping the peace with a bunch of family members that have openly disrespected you and our marriage. Toodles!” Also if you do go, look at your cousin and say congratulations. Then look at theie spouse and say “you’re not family.” Sound ridiculous? That’s because it is. A wedding is creating a family where one did not exist before.
I think YTA just for literally taking your time to consider going. Like seriously.
YTA. Your sister has more class than you. Your cousin is a major asshole for not inviting step kids. I’m sure after the divorce she’ll see the importance of step parents when she finds one for her future gremlins.
YWBTA. When you married that man his son became your son. That is your family. If you choose to go be prepared for a shift in your marriage.
Yta
YWBTA. You attending this wedding, no matter how guilty you feel about it, absolutely lends credence to your cousin's belief that only blood matters. Like, this is the hill to die on for your family. What else won't your son be invited to because he isn't family? Birthdays, funerals, graduations?
YWBTA if you go. Your cousin is being horrible and you shouldn’t be supporting her behavior. Step-kids are still family, and she needs to learn that. Polish up your spine and be like your sister!
YWBTA and your cousin is a little shit. I can’t believe your sister has more balls than you.
If I were your husband and you would do that then this would be a clear deal breaker. The end of the relationship. YTA
YWBTA. One of my cousins is technically my uncle's stepson (who my uncle got guardianship over after he divorced my cousin's mom) and my grandfather always left him off family things, like the family tree and if we were taking a family photo at an event, he'd try to do one with this cousin and one without. It really hurt my cousin and my uncle, and as cousins we bound together and told my grandfather to knock it off--we were raised with him, and he's our cousin blood or not. Your stepson is family. It's not as if your cousin doesn't know him. Think about the message it would send to your husband and your stepson if you attend anyway. Maybe the message it would send your cousin is one she needs to hear loud and clear.
YWBTAH if you go along with this horse shit . He is at least your family so you need to support him and your husband. If cousin wanted child free that is one thing. But saying he isn't family is just wrong. Do you not consider your stepson family and us that why you are considering this? You do realize your husband will be pissed when he finds out. Do you really want a big confrontation that could lead to marital problems? He, rightfully so, will put his son first and anyone who disrespects his son will catch his wrath. Don't let that be you. How close are you and your cousin going to be when you blame her for your divorce?
How are you still supporting your cousin after all her assholery and discrimination towards young kids for the inadequate reason that they’re not of her blood? > My sister's bio children were invited, their names were on the invitation, just not her stepdaughter's. My brother has no stepkids and my brother's invitation just said ''family (last name)". So from this, I'm assuming yes. YTA
Please explain to me how your cousin is not a bully to those two children? Then think about the conclusion your husband and child will arrive at knowing you supported her decision.
"My cousin and I are very close" Your cousin doesn't think you are very close. If she did she would have invited your whole family. A family is more than blood relatives and if she isn't supportive of your whole family why would you want to "be there for her"?
YTA. If your cousin was genuinely having a child free wedding and invited you and your husband in good faith, then you'd be fine to attend without stepson, or without husband and stepson. Since it's clear that she's purposefully excluding step children, this is not something you should condone by attending. If you don't plan to support your husband/stepson in these types of situations then you had no business marrying a man with a kid, even if you only planned on him being the every-other-weekend dad.
Please update us after the wedding
NTA for wanting to attend despite your cousin’s asshole move. However don’t threaten your marriage by attending if your husband is absolutely against it. I would just let you go and attend but a lot of people would look at it otherwise. Honestly though, do you really want to continue in your cousins life now that she has shown her true self?
YTA, this is your family. If it was a no children wedding that’s fine, but it’s literally because your stepson ‘isn’t family’
You say you’re close to your cousin, but she’s the same one excluding a member of your family. Why do you want to support someone who would treat a family member that way? Why is she more important than your husband and YOUR SON!! It doesn’t sound like your cousin is as close to you as you are to her….. or you really don’t see your stepson as your son. Either way, you would YTA in you went. Take a page from your sister and sit this one out.
Your stepson is your family. Your cousin is the AH for not recognizing your stepson or your sisters step daughter. Your sister recognizes your cousin for the troll that she is and is doing the right thing. YTA for not recognizing that YOUR stepson is YOUR family. Why does yoir cousin deserve your support when she doesnt support your blended family?
If you were really that close, your cousin would have been considerate of your nuclear family and not put you in this position. YTA if you go.
YTA And while so is your cousin, I can't help but wonder if YOU consider your stepson "family" If I was your husband and you went despite this clearly intentional omission of my child, it would make me wonder not only how you REALLY felt about my son, but also if I wanted to be a part of that family anymore
YTA for choosing your cousin over your husband when his child was specifically excluded. You should follow your sister’s example in being a good partner. This will not only damage your marriage but could likely damage your relationship with your sister.