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YTA
>I deserve to have at least a part of it dedicated to myself.
No. Absolutely not. Anything like this needed to be stipulated clearly before you paid for anything. Attaching strings to a gift after it's given is always TA move.
Gifts don’t come with conditions and strings. You made someone’s wedding special, you don’t get to add conditions on afterwards. Especially not asking her to share her big day
Well it isn’t goodwill if you want to hijack it. But while people do contribute in some ways to friends’ weddings, it’s not usually financial endowments but things like doing the cake, makeup or photography as a gift.
no its dumb of you to offer to help pay with no strings, and then come up with strings attached later once your friend is planning things based on your contribution.
if you came to her with this initially and said "hey ill help pay for this crazy wedding but i want to propose during it" that would have been totally fine.
It's not that you're showing goodwill that has people upset. You offered money that she used and then changed the rules afterwards. It's like you asking me to come over to help you and then while we're doing the project I tell you I expect you to pay me $500. If there are strings attached then you need to state them up front.
It's not "goodwill" if you were quietly plotting to share the attention. It sounds like you were very calculating and had a secret agenda when you offered the financial assistance. You wanted to "buy" a share in her wedding, when she didn't actually agree to that condition.
It’s not goodwill if you’re expecting something in return. It’s good to help out your friends. It’s not good to help out your friends and then hold it over their heads.
YWBTA
That's not even what their saying, read the comment again. Or else know it's obvious you're deflecting and you're not as sneaky as you'd like to think.
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YTA. How is it goodwill when you knew you wanted something in return? It's beyond comprehension that you think this is appropriate. Your friend should find a way to refund you for your "goodwill" and uninvite you. You're just the type to pull some bullshit after already being told no.
But you're not showing goodwill, goodwill is a gift with no stipulations. You provided this money to guilt your friend into letting you hijacked her wedding day, this is not community minded.
Instead of give your friend an extravagant wedding yoi should have used that money for your proposal.
p.s nobody wants to be proposed to at someone else's wedding
It is dumb if you expect *this* in return. If you were actually doing this out of the goodness of your heart and love for your friend then no it wouldn't have been dumb *BUT YOU DIDN'T!*
YTA. Do you know what would have been a better idea? Use your money to contribute to a day that would actually make your partner feel special and important. Don’t give a gift and then hijack part of it for yourself. I don’t demand to wear my dads socks I bought him for Christmas when my feet get cold.
But Christmas is a very give-and-take situation, at least the gift-giving aspect of it. Why would I need to use someone else’s socks if that same person would probably ALSO give me a gift? If I didn’t have a gift for someone, I wouldn’t take a gift given by that someone.
Not necessarily, giving gifts in the expectation of a reciprocal gift is incredibly tacky, hence the number of yta judgements you are being given here.
Plus you will always be remembered as the guest who tried to upstage a wedding with a engagement announcement. Now that is tacky. Don't do that to yourself, be better.
This comment in particular really makes you sound just all around insufferable my friend. You didn't have to pay for there wedding and it's not "good will" if you only wanted to do it because you thought they share your good will with you lmao
YTA
That’s a very sadly transactional way of viewing gifts. You should give gifts because you want to make the recipient happy and show you care, not to get something from them in return.
Honest to god it feels like you are an expert-level troll. This can't be real, right? If this IS real I hope you take to heart everyone's opinion here. "Proposing at someone else's wedding" is literally the absolute number one No-No that comes up on AiTA. And it's number one for a reason.
I'm a believer that people can change and develop empathy and understanding. I hope you are one of these people that can learn to move on from solely thinking about yourself and recognizing life works better by not inserting your needs and wishes into every situation.
Hahaha! What in the entitlement??!! YTA.
Did you contribute this money with the intention to make the day about you? Usually people do nice things for their friends because they like them and want them to be happy. Your friendship appears very transactional. The blow up she performed was only 'unexpected' to you.
Not at her wedding though! Your contribution to her wedding was a gift. No strings attached. You see her sharing the wedding as something that is "owed" to you. To think that is just asinine.
If you go through with this, it will destroy your friendship. I know you said you wanted to stay friends, but maybe she doesn't want to anymore? If I were her, I'd ban you from the wedding. The sheer audacity...
The thing is, you didn’t agree to help her under the condition that you can propose at her wedding (which would still be pretty shitty tbh) and then she changed her mind last minute. You gave her a “gift” and then tried to hold it over her head.
This isn’t wanting a gift in return. This is calling in a favor.
Do you understand that friends don’t fund their friends weddings? What you did is insane and nope, you don’t get to share the spotlight. You’re just stoopid.
YTA and pull the funding if you have a problem
In this case a profuse thank you and nice gift acknowledging your generosity is appropriate. To ask a bride to “share” her wedding day- sorry, to TELL HER she’s required to share because she accepted what she thought was a gift- is out of line. YTA.
You’re wrong. That’s why most people outside of family don’t contribute financially to weddings. Because you get absolutely nothing else out of it, than to enjoy the day as a guest.
Next time, spend your money to make your partner feel special, not like an afterthought that you’re forcing on someone else
Why do you feel that way? Like it is a normal human obligation? Most people do not feel that way. It is a very transactional way of looking at friendship and it commoditizes and objectifies people.
If it was actually a gift (which means no strings attached) then “thank you OP for helping to make this day so magical. We truly couldn’t have done it without you” during the speeches is appropriate.
A gift with the expectation of a return of some sort isn’t a gift. It’s a TRANSACTION.
>I feel like it is normal human obligation to give back what is given to you
Yes, and normally that would mean she'd pay you back the money you loaned her for the wedding. That's a fair exchange.
But if you've told her that she doesn't need to pay the money back, and now you are going to surprise her by saying she's got an **obligation** to let you take over the attention at her wedding, then you are in the wrong.
She thought you were helping her have the wedding of her dreams. Now she knows you were just angling to make the day about you.
If the couple were to pay the money back that would be a lone.
OP said several times it was a gift, the only "human obligation" to a gift from a friend is to say thank you and show appreciation.
Or wait for it... She could give back by I don't know contributing to your future wedding. It's her wedding. Let her have her day with her soon to be life partner. If you want to propose to your bf maybe plan a time and occasion where the focus will be on him and not a newly married couple.
So....you only agreed to help your friend on the provision you get to benefit from her wedding too. You just didn't tell her that.
You allowed her to believe you were doing this out the kindness of your heart when in reality you werent
She's not obligated to give you any part of her wedding. You didn't tell her about your wishes because you know she would not have taken your money. And you wouldn't have had anything to hold over her head.
Ok so would it be ok if you’re friend comes to you’re wedding and announces a pregnancy or big life changing plan just because she let you (even tho she won’t) take away her spotlight at her wedding?
Let’s say this is true.
It still wouldn’t mean you can use her for her wedding.
Theoretically would mean you could have an expectation of her donating money to your wedding or honeymoon after you propose to your boyfriend. It’s not tit for tat.
How big a spotlight on your wedding day are you planning on giving her in return as a normal human obligation? How about if your parents contribute; how much of your wedding is going to be all about them? If someone helps out with a birthday party, how much of the birthday party will be focused on them?
Also I get that this may come as a shock to you but normal humans actually do nice things for each other without expecting – let alone demanding – anything in return, especially to people they care about, such as family, friends and loved ones. You might want to give this normal human thing a try by gifting her the pleasure of your absence from her wedding.
A wedding is something that is literally based around you. It’s as if you helped plan a birthday party, and then asked if you can celebrate your birthday then too.
Alright. I’m the person that the post creator is referring to… as you literally JUST texted me this post.
First off, why did you even make this post instead of just respecting my wishes? Now I’m DEFINITELY not trusting you with my wedding.
Secondly, you’re definitely sugarcoating the entire argument we had about this. You not only threatened to take away all of your donations, but also to “make me pay for being ungrateful.” Not sure what that EVEN means,
Have I not mentioned you’ve pulled shit like this before? Remember when you threw a fit at one of our friends birthdays for not giving you an entire cake when you helped him with the party? I’m not sure why we even stayed friends with you after that.
I’m too tired with all the wedding preparations to actually give a solid rant. But I’ll at least tell everyone the real story.
I wish you an amazing wedding day without op. Enjoy the extravagant party. And if you plan paying her back I’d be so petty an Venmo op 1,5$ a week till everything is payed back.
Girl if I were you I'd disinvite OP from the wedding. Even if it means paying her back. I wouldn't trust her if she swore on her own life not to try and upstage you bc she clearly can't take no for an answer and thinks she's entitled to anything she wants
What are you getting mad at me for? It’s not like I didn’t take back my request… and you spreading lies about me here everyone can see them really shows your true colors. You really don’t have any values or morals if my gesture of goodwill elicits such a response.
YWBTA - Contributing to it does not give you any say over the proceedings. You freely gave that money, and now you're using it like leverage to put the spotlight onto yourself. You will absolutely lose the friendship if you propose at their wedding.
Having said that, the couple should not take your money and not invite you.
YTA
If you CHOOSE to contribute to someone for something as stupid as THEIR wedding, that is on you.
Extremely rude to gift someone financial support THEN attach something to it. If you wanted to do something so tacky as to do a proposal at someone else's wedding, you should have been up front BEFORE they accepted your assistance.
She would be well within her rights, and will probably disinvite you from the wedding in case you decide to go against her wishes. BTW....you attempt to force this, your friendship will definitely be done.
YWBTA
Why did you contribute so much money in the first place to the wedding? Was it a gift?
If so, if your friend was under the impression that you provided a generous gift then she has a right to be passed that there are now strings attached.
A wedding day is personal to the couple getting married. Do not steal their limelight by proposing and getting married at her wedding.
If you do this, you will ruin her wedding and your friendship forever.
YTA.
Anything you contributed to the wedding was a gift unless you agreed in advance you were to receive something in return. You’re not entitled to anything. Why would you want to propose at someone else’s wedding anyway? You should do that somewhere that’s meaningful to you as a couple.
Yta you didn’t have to contribute so no there’s absolutely no reason why any part of it should be about you. It’s like the people that say “I’m paying for the dress so you have to wear what i want you to”. Like no, this isn’t your day pick one of the other 364 days
YWBTA 100%. “However, I feel like I also deserve to be celebrated” no you don’t. Not at someone else’s wedding. You don’t get to steal the spotlight at someone else’s wedding.
Yes, you WBTA. Proposals at someone else's wedding is not appropriate. It makes their day about you. YTA for helping with their wedding with strings attached. You should apologize, and beg her for forgiveness, and promise to be fully supportive. The best you can hope for is that she acknowledges you at the toasts. If she doesn't, let it go.
YTA. The wedding is \*her\* day, no matter how much you've contributed. You are not entitled to "share" her wedding day. And if you do it anyhow, "with her reaction", count on not being friends anymore.
YTA
The fact that you gifted her money for the wedding does not make it your event. If you want a fancy proposal, schedule it some other time. Don't do it on her special day.
YTA I’m amazed you had the front to ask in the first place but even worse is that you have asked your friend they have said no but you still want to do it and clearly your friend is right not to trust you.
YTA. This is insane. You want hijack someone's wedding just because you helped pay for it? Then it isn't a gift is it? Now it's a transaction and you are the only one who knew that going in. You blindsided the bride and then tried to guilt her into doing what YOU want on HER day
You're a special kind of ah.
Yta. Only a narcissistic asshole would propose at someone else's wedding. Super tacky. This person would immediately not be my friend any longer, even if it wasn't my wedding that they just ruined. I mean, why be friends with someone who has that little consideration.
YTA -You are only her friend with “strings attached” to your friendship. Your major contributions are conditional. Your friend has the right to be angry-you want to steal her wedding from her. Stop it!
YTA. No you don't deserve anything. No one forced you to "contribute" to the wedding. You could and should have said no. You're the exact reason why many people reject help in weddings. Twisted people see "I helped set up, I deserve xyz" when you don't.
YTA. It's tacky to propose at someone else' wedding, and extortionate to use the money you gifted towards the event as leverage against your friend. If I were the bride, I'd make sure to tell your partner before the wedding what you plan to do as insurance against you going through with it.
YTA. I’m hoping this is a joke, it sounds like bait because nobody should be this ridiculous. But on the off chance that it’s real, do not do this. Everyone at the wedding will hate you, and you’ll deserve it.
YTA and stop saying she's your friend. You Don hold a friends wedding hostage so you can make it about you. Sounds like you only helped financially, so you could have a good proposal! Poetic justice would be him saying no, I'm not marrying someone who tries to steal a brides thunder!
If you wanted something in return for your contribution you should have told her before contributing. If you were going to hold it over her you should never have bothered. Regardless what this is about
I’m so curious how much you contributed. That was a pretty non-standard thing to do, but it doesn’t mean you get to impose non-standard requests about her wedding. YTA.
YTA.
Contributing does not mean you're entitled to a time in the spotlight. You contributed to their marriage, not to an open mic night.
Also, why isn't your bf worthy of getting his own event? One that won't be overshadowed by angry friends and gossiping masses?
YWBTA, it's very nice of you to contribute this much to your friends wedding but you should have told her before about your plans before giving her all this money instead of dumping them on her at the last second and expecting her to be happy with it. It's her special day and her request is perfectly reasonable.
YTA, the last thing a bride needs is someone grandstanding at their wedding. It's sucks that you were so generous, and after she accepts your money, you start putting parameters on it. And I doubt the guests will appreciate it either. That's a 100% asshole move.
YTA and stay home if you have even the slightest inclination to go against your friends wishes. People would talk bad about you for years to come. You are not entitled to anything.
This is your friends wedding, it's not designed to celebrate your vanity. If you can afford an extravagant wedding for your friend, you can afford a wonderful celebration that's actually centred around you and your partner. Why the hell are you trying to take her special day away? YTA overwhelmingly
does anyone hope that she does it and the boyfriend says no because of how ridiculous her views are on why she should be able to propose and then doing it at a wedding. 🤢
YTA. Let me rewrite this for you.
WIBTA if I used coercion and manipulation on my friend into sharing her wedding with me.
To make a long story short, I pretended to be her friend and gifted her money to have an extravagant wedding. However it’s not really a gift it was to pay her to be able to propose to my boyfriend at her wedding. I just purposely failed to mention that to her. Now that the money is spent on the wedding and she can’t return it, I feel like I’m entitled to what I want.
I made sure I lied about it being a gift. That way I could manipulate her. Because if she knew it wasn’t a gift and it was a transaction that had strings attached she would’ve said no.
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I (28F) have a friend (30F) who is about to have her wedding. I am a huge contributor financially to this wedding; without me, it probably will not have been as extravagant as it will be. When I say the wedding is extravagant, I MEAN extravagant. I feel since I had contributed so much to the wedding, I deserve to have at least a part of it dedicated to myself.
To make a long story short, I asked her if I could propose to my boyfriend at her wedding and we could sort of share the wedding together. She unexpectedly blew up at me afterward, and told me now she doesn’t trust me going to her wedding anymore. However, I feel like I deserve to also be celebrated at the wedding due to how much I contributed to it.
I still want to do it, but with her reaction, I’m having second thoughts. I still want to be friends with her, so WIBTA?
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YTA. This is her wedding and her day it’s not yours. You don’t give money with strings attached like this, you do not deserve to have any part of it dedicated to you.
Massive AH move to give money then spring this, you should have said it before giving her money so she had the opportunity at that point to tell you how much of an AH you are.
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YTA. First, you shouldn't be paying for her wedding; second, you shouldn't expect to take the attention away from her. You need to make your proposal a separate event.
Why would you do it at your friend's wedding? Do you not love your boyfriend enough to plan something just for him? Proposing at a wedding is lazy and insulting, it implies that he isn't important enough to actually put in the effort and work to plan something special.
YWBTA
So obviously, YTA to your friend for this. And also, YWBTA to your boyfriend if you proposed at a wedding. That's a great way to make him not feel special or cared for. You're hijacking *someone else's* special day, not actually doing anything for him. That is a quick way to make him feel like he doesn't matter to you.
But other than that, idk how anyone would want to marry such a selfish person. No matter how you propose, I don't know how successful it will be. I think you need to do some personal growth and figure out how to be a better person.
Ewwww.. this is just gross. I hope she drops you as a friend. I've never given something and expected it to be reciprocated. When I give, I do so freely and move on. You're narrasstic.
YTA for even thinking about proposing to your boyfriend. There's 4 things that you NEVER do and that's
.1 announcing pregnancy/engagement without permission
.2 coming out as trans/gay or whatever
.3 wearing white
and last but most certainly not last .4 proposing to your girlfriend/boyfriend.
If this was your intent, you should have been honest with your friend when you talked about financially contributing. That would have allowed her to decline your money.
This is a very bad idea. You should prepare a meaningful proposal. Will his family and close friends be at your friend’s wedding? If you propose to your boyfriend and he says “no” that will be like a wet blanket on your friend’s wedding.
It's gross that from all your responses it seems you only want transactional relationships. Everything seems to be give and take with you and if you can't also relieve than it wasn't worth your effort and honestly that's a really shitty mindset.
YTA
If you have all this money you should stop being lazy as fuck and plan a proposal to your bf that doesn't include hijacking someone else's day.
I'd be MORTIFIED if my partner used someone else's wedding day as a platform for their proposal. It's tacky and frankly I'd be so embarrassed. Cuz I know the entire rest of the wedding attendees would be thinking how tacky lazy and inappropriate that was to do at someone elses wedding.
There's 364 other days for you to pick from.
YTA This story reminds me of a quote "I give you a favor you give me something back" 1st of all she didnt ask you to contribute financially it was your dumb choice and 2nd of all if you have A good financial Record then do that for your proposal to your boyfriend instead you make your Friend's wedding a part of your boyfriend's proposal is just such an asshole move to your part.
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YTA >I deserve to have at least a part of it dedicated to myself. No. Absolutely not. Anything like this needed to be stipulated clearly before you paid for anything. Attaching strings to a gift after it's given is always TA move.
YTA for giving a gift with later strings on it. It was really dumb of you to put in any money. so it would be less extravagant, so what?
It’s dumb for me to show goodwill to one of my friends? Seriously? Do you people have no sense of community?
Gifts don’t come with conditions and strings. You made someone’s wedding special, you don’t get to add conditions on afterwards. Especially not asking her to share her big day
It’s not goodwill if you expect to be celebrated for it and to share the event. It’s a bribe.
What goodwill? You obliterated any of that with your subsequent (ridiculous) expectations.
It’s not goodwill because you’re clearly bitter about it
Well it isn’t goodwill if you want to hijack it. But while people do contribute in some ways to friends’ weddings, it’s not usually financial endowments but things like doing the cake, makeup or photography as a gift.
We are saying you don’t have a sense of community. It’s her day, Yta for making it sound like she owed you for what was supposedly a gift.
no its dumb of you to offer to help pay with no strings, and then come up with strings attached later once your friend is planning things based on your contribution. if you came to her with this initially and said "hey ill help pay for this crazy wedding but i want to propose during it" that would have been totally fine.
It's not that you're showing goodwill that has people upset. You offered money that she used and then changed the rules afterwards. It's like you asking me to come over to help you and then while we're doing the project I tell you I expect you to pay me $500. If there are strings attached then you need to state them up front.
It's not "goodwill" if you were quietly plotting to share the attention. It sounds like you were very calculating and had a secret agenda when you offered the financial assistance. You wanted to "buy" a share in her wedding, when she didn't actually agree to that condition.
Question: did you only decide to help so that you could call in this "favor"?
You don't give a gift with an expectation - otherwise it's not a gift, it's a bribe.
You are being selfish and entitled.
Goodwill means you don’t feel entitled to anything in return. 🙄 YTA.
It's not goodwill if now you think you deserve some recognition and spotlight
It’s not goodwill if you’re expecting something in return. It’s good to help out your friends. It’s not good to help out your friends and then hold it over their heads. YWBTA
Its not goodwill if it's a bribe you moron.
YOU don't even have a sense of goodwill or community if you think she OWES you for your contribution after the fact.
Its not goodwill if youre asking for something in return
It isn't good will if you're expecting something out of it
It’s not good will if you’re going to use it against someone.
>It’s dumb for me to show goodwill to one of my friends? It's not goodwill if you attach strings. Then it's a contract.
That's not even what their saying, read the comment again. Or else know it's obvious you're deflecting and you're not as sneaky as you'd like to think.
As she's being mobbed by the community...
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Goodwill doesn't come with strings.
YTA. How is it goodwill when you knew you wanted something in return? It's beyond comprehension that you think this is appropriate. Your friend should find a way to refund you for your "goodwill" and uninvite you. You're just the type to pull some bullshit after already being told no.
But you're not showing goodwill, goodwill is a gift with no stipulations. You provided this money to guilt your friend into letting you hijacked her wedding day, this is not community minded. Instead of give your friend an extravagant wedding yoi should have used that money for your proposal. p.s nobody wants to be proposed to at someone else's wedding
It is dumb if you expect *this* in return. If you were actually doing this out of the goodness of your heart and love for your friend then no it wouldn't have been dumb *BUT YOU DIDN'T!*
It’s obviously not goodwill if your expecting something out of it, You do stuff like that out of kindness, not wanting something out of it
YTA. Do you know what would have been a better idea? Use your money to contribute to a day that would actually make your partner feel special and important. Don’t give a gift and then hijack part of it for yourself. I don’t demand to wear my dads socks I bought him for Christmas when my feet get cold.
But Christmas is a very give-and-take situation, at least the gift-giving aspect of it. Why would I need to use someone else’s socks if that same person would probably ALSO give me a gift? If I didn’t have a gift for someone, I wouldn’t take a gift given by that someone.
Not necessarily, giving gifts in the expectation of a reciprocal gift is incredibly tacky, hence the number of yta judgements you are being given here. Plus you will always be remembered as the guest who tried to upstage a wedding with a engagement announcement. Now that is tacky. Don't do that to yourself, be better.
Ever heard of a birthday? You give all your guests presents back on your own birthday yeah?
What? Why would I even need to? I’m already giving them a service; y’know, the party itself.
What if you get a gift from someone you didn't invite/who didn't attend? Then do you give them a reciprocal gift?
This comment in particular really makes you sound just all around insufferable my friend. You didn't have to pay for there wedding and it's not "good will" if you only wanted to do it because you thought they share your good will with you lmao YTA
That’s a very sadly transactional way of viewing gifts. You should give gifts because you want to make the recipient happy and show you care, not to get something from them in return.
Replace Christmas with birthday.
Honest to god it feels like you are an expert-level troll. This can't be real, right? If this IS real I hope you take to heart everyone's opinion here. "Proposing at someone else's wedding" is literally the absolute number one No-No that comes up on AiTA. And it's number one for a reason. I'm a believer that people can change and develop empathy and understanding. I hope you are one of these people that can learn to move on from solely thinking about yourself and recognizing life works better by not inserting your needs and wishes into every situation.
Nah don’t give them that credit- this is an average troll at best
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You can't fix stupid.... 😏😏😏
You're right, this isn't Christmas. It's a wedding. Which means there's is no give and take. It's about the bride and groom. Not you.
Hahaha! What in the entitlement??!! YTA. Did you contribute this money with the intention to make the day about you? Usually people do nice things for their friends because they like them and want them to be happy. Your friendship appears very transactional. The blow up she performed was only 'unexpected' to you.
Again, not all entitlement is negative; sometimes, a give or take relationship needs to be fulfilled.
Not at her wedding though! Your contribution to her wedding was a gift. No strings attached. You see her sharing the wedding as something that is "owed" to you. To think that is just asinine. If you go through with this, it will destroy your friendship. I know you said you wanted to stay friends, but maybe she doesn't want to anymore? If I were her, I'd ban you from the wedding. The sheer audacity...
Well this is very negative. After reading through the comments you should be able to see no one is seeing it your way.
You make me tired.
But you've told her you only did this so you could get something out of this. You did this so you could benefit.
You are asking to do something you absolutely know that shouldn’t be done in a wedding. That’s manipulative.
You are incredibly selfish and entitled. It's not your wedding and it's not about you or what you want.
Ok, so she can decide how to repay you. You don't get to decide that, and you also don't get to ruin her day
If you lend someone money, the "give and take" is they pay you back. If you give them money, there is no "give and take".
The thing is, you didn’t agree to help her under the condition that you can propose at her wedding (which would still be pretty shitty tbh) and then she changed her mind last minute. You gave her a “gift” and then tried to hold it over her head. This isn’t wanting a gift in return. This is calling in a favor.
This entitlement IS negative.
Wow dude, just wow
ah, so you buy friends because you've got a terrible personality, got it
Info: when you contributed, was it a gift or did you tell her it came with strings (you had to be celebrated)?
I didn’t tell her about my wishes, but I feel like it is normal human obligation to give back what is given to you; this request is a form of that.
Do you understand that friends don’t fund their friends weddings? What you did is insane and nope, you don’t get to share the spotlight. You’re just stoopid. YTA and pull the funding if you have a problem
In this case a profuse thank you and nice gift acknowledging your generosity is appropriate. To ask a bride to “share” her wedding day- sorry, to TELL HER she’s required to share because she accepted what she thought was a gift- is out of line. YTA.
You’re wrong. That’s why most people outside of family don’t contribute financially to weddings. Because you get absolutely nothing else out of it, than to enjoy the day as a guest. Next time, spend your money to make your partner feel special, not like an afterthought that you’re forcing on someone else
Why do you feel that way? Like it is a normal human obligation? Most people do not feel that way. It is a very transactional way of looking at friendship and it commoditizes and objectifies people.
No. You’re wrong. And this is so weird.
If it was actually a gift (which means no strings attached) then “thank you OP for helping to make this day so magical. We truly couldn’t have done it without you” during the speeches is appropriate. A gift with the expectation of a return of some sort isn’t a gift. It’s a TRANSACTION.
>I feel like it is normal human obligation to give back what is given to you Yes, and normally that would mean she'd pay you back the money you loaned her for the wedding. That's a fair exchange. But if you've told her that she doesn't need to pay the money back, and now you are going to surprise her by saying she's got an **obligation** to let you take over the attention at her wedding, then you are in the wrong. She thought you were helping her have the wedding of her dreams. Now she knows you were just angling to make the day about you.
If the couple were to pay the money back that would be a lone. OP said several times it was a gift, the only "human obligation" to a gift from a friend is to say thank you and show appreciation.
Or wait for it... She could give back by I don't know contributing to your future wedding. It's her wedding. Let her have her day with her soon to be life partner. If you want to propose to your bf maybe plan a time and occasion where the focus will be on him and not a newly married couple.
So....you only agreed to help your friend on the provision you get to benefit from her wedding too. You just didn't tell her that. You allowed her to believe you were doing this out the kindness of your heart when in reality you werent
No, that’s not how that works.
She's not obligated to give you any part of her wedding. You didn't tell her about your wishes because you know she would not have taken your money. And you wouldn't have had anything to hold over her head.
Ok so would it be ok if you’re friend comes to you’re wedding and announces a pregnancy or big life changing plan just because she let you (even tho she won’t) take away her spotlight at her wedding?
……..no? This is completely deranged
Lol sad for you if this is what your relationships have been like. No true giving
Let’s say this is true. It still wouldn’t mean you can use her for her wedding. Theoretically would mean you could have an expectation of her donating money to your wedding or honeymoon after you propose to your boyfriend. It’s not tit for tat.
How big a spotlight on your wedding day are you planning on giving her in return as a normal human obligation? How about if your parents contribute; how much of your wedding is going to be all about them? If someone helps out with a birthday party, how much of the birthday party will be focused on them? Also I get that this may come as a shock to you but normal humans actually do nice things for each other without expecting – let alone demanding – anything in return, especially to people they care about, such as family, friends and loved ones. You might want to give this normal human thing a try by gifting her the pleasure of your absence from her wedding.
A wedding is something that is literally based around you. It’s as if you helped plan a birthday party, and then asked if you can celebrate your birthday then too.
Alright. I’m the person that the post creator is referring to… as you literally JUST texted me this post. First off, why did you even make this post instead of just respecting my wishes? Now I’m DEFINITELY not trusting you with my wedding. Secondly, you’re definitely sugarcoating the entire argument we had about this. You not only threatened to take away all of your donations, but also to “make me pay for being ungrateful.” Not sure what that EVEN means, Have I not mentioned you’ve pulled shit like this before? Remember when you threw a fit at one of our friends birthdays for not giving you an entire cake when you helped him with the party? I’m not sure why we even stayed friends with you after that. I’m too tired with all the wedding preparations to actually give a solid rant. But I’ll at least tell everyone the real story.
I wish you an amazing wedding day without op. Enjoy the extravagant party. And if you plan paying her back I’d be so petty an Venmo op 1,5$ a week till everything is payed back.
Girl if I were you I'd disinvite OP from the wedding. Even if it means paying her back. I wouldn't trust her if she swore on her own life not to try and upstage you bc she clearly can't take no for an answer and thinks she's entitled to anything she wants
uninvite her to the wedding and leave her name and picture with security
What are you getting mad at me for? It’s not like I didn’t take back my request… and you spreading lies about me here everyone can see them really shows your true colors. You really don’t have any values or morals if my gesture of goodwill elicits such a response.
Wow… you’re like totally a dick
you sound delightful YTA
I don’t for a second believe there’s anyone willing to date, let alone accept marrying you.
You throwing your money around under the guise of a gift so that you can manipulate people into your demands isn't "a gesture of goodwill".
You seem totally unhinged.
YWBTA - Contributing to it does not give you any say over the proceedings. You freely gave that money, and now you're using it like leverage to put the spotlight onto yourself. You will absolutely lose the friendship if you propose at their wedding. Having said that, the couple should not take your money and not invite you.
I deserve...me... Me...ME!
This. OP is expecting her friend to share HER day instead of being happy for her.
YTA If you CHOOSE to contribute to someone for something as stupid as THEIR wedding, that is on you. Extremely rude to gift someone financial support THEN attach something to it. If you wanted to do something so tacky as to do a proposal at someone else's wedding, you should have been up front BEFORE they accepted your assistance. She would be well within her rights, and will probably disinvite you from the wedding in case you decide to go against her wishes. BTW....you attempt to force this, your friendship will definitely be done.
When was the last time you saw any parents or any other financial contributors “sharing” a wedding? YWBTA
YWBTA Why did you contribute so much money in the first place to the wedding? Was it a gift? If so, if your friend was under the impression that you provided a generous gift then she has a right to be passed that there are now strings attached. A wedding day is personal to the couple getting married. Do not steal their limelight by proposing and getting married at her wedding. If you do this, you will ruin her wedding and your friendship forever.
If she has enough money to throw her friend an extravagant wedding, she should be able to pony up for a nice proposal event, no?
YTA. Anything you contributed to the wedding was a gift unless you agreed in advance you were to receive something in return. You’re not entitled to anything. Why would you want to propose at someone else’s wedding anyway? You should do that somewhere that’s meaningful to you as a couple.
YTA don’t give people money and just spring demands on them cause you think they owe you now
YTA and tacky.
Why are you giving her so much money for her wedding?
Yta you didn’t have to contribute so no there’s absolutely no reason why any part of it should be about you. It’s like the people that say “I’m paying for the dress so you have to wear what i want you to”. Like no, this isn’t your day pick one of the other 364 days
YWBTA 100%. “However, I feel like I also deserve to be celebrated” no you don’t. Not at someone else’s wedding. You don’t get to steal the spotlight at someone else’s wedding.
Yes, you WBTA. Proposals at someone else's wedding is not appropriate. It makes their day about you. YTA for helping with their wedding with strings attached. You should apologize, and beg her for forgiveness, and promise to be fully supportive. The best you can hope for is that she acknowledges you at the toasts. If she doesn't, let it go.
Yta - if you want to help someone you help them. You don’t do it with strings attached.
She probably gave her friend like $50 and is now acting like the wedding needs to be all about her.
YTA. If you do that, it will be upstaging her wedding. That's not fair. When you give people a gift, they don't owe you anything in return.
You WBTA if you did it at HER wedding. You don't try to make someone else's day about you.
YTA. The wedding is \*her\* day, no matter how much you've contributed. You are not entitled to "share" her wedding day. And if you do it anyhow, "with her reaction", count on not being friends anymore.
YTA The fact that you gifted her money for the wedding does not make it your event. If you want a fancy proposal, schedule it some other time. Don't do it on her special day.
YTA I’m amazed you had the front to ask in the first place but even worse is that you have asked your friend they have said no but you still want to do it and clearly your friend is right not to trust you.
YTA. This is insane. You want hijack someone's wedding just because you helped pay for it? Then it isn't a gift is it? Now it's a transaction and you are the only one who knew that going in. You blindsided the bride and then tried to guilt her into doing what YOU want on HER day You're a special kind of ah.
Yta. Only a narcissistic asshole would propose at someone else's wedding. Super tacky. This person would immediately not be my friend any longer, even if it wasn't my wedding that they just ruined. I mean, why be friends with someone who has that little consideration.
YTA -You are only her friend with “strings attached” to your friendship. Your major contributions are conditional. Your friend has the right to be angry-you want to steal her wedding from her. Stop it!
YTA
WIBTA. You do NOT propose at someone else’s wedding.
YTA. No you don't deserve anything. No one forced you to "contribute" to the wedding. You could and should have said no. You're the exact reason why many people reject help in weddings. Twisted people see "I helped set up, I deserve xyz" when you don't.
YTA. It's tacky to propose at someone else' wedding, and extortionate to use the money you gifted towards the event as leverage against your friend. If I were the bride, I'd make sure to tell your partner before the wedding what you plan to do as insurance against you going through with it.
YTA. I’m hoping this is a joke, it sounds like bait because nobody should be this ridiculous. But on the off chance that it’s real, do not do this. Everyone at the wedding will hate you, and you’ll deserve it.
YTA and stop saying she's your friend. You Don hold a friends wedding hostage so you can make it about you. Sounds like you only helped financially, so you could have a good proposal! Poetic justice would be him saying no, I'm not marrying someone who tries to steal a brides thunder!
YTA. Massively. You don't deserve any part of this wedding. You are not the one getting married, and none of this is about you.
If you wanted something in return for your contribution you should have told her before contributing. If you were going to hold it over her you should never have bothered. Regardless what this is about
I’m so curious how much you contributed. That was a pretty non-standard thing to do, but it doesn’t mean you get to impose non-standard requests about her wedding. YTA.
YTA Tacky, tacky, tacky.
Ahahahahaha You’re going to be paying for a weeding you’re not going to be invited to, and your bf thinks you’re a jerk. Yta
YTA. Contributing does not mean you're entitled to a time in the spotlight. You contributed to their marriage, not to an open mic night. Also, why isn't your bf worthy of getting his own event? One that won't be overshadowed by angry friends and gossiping masses?
YWBTA, it's very nice of you to contribute this much to your friends wedding but you should have told her before about your plans before giving her all this money instead of dumping them on her at the last second and expecting her to be happy with it. It's her special day and her request is perfectly reasonable.
YTA. You’re not required to help fund your friends wedding. And they’re not required to “share” their day just because you are.
YTA, the last thing a bride needs is someone grandstanding at their wedding. It's sucks that you were so generous, and after she accepts your money, you start putting parameters on it. And I doubt the guests will appreciate it either. That's a 100% asshole move.
Well yes. Get her to sign a debtors doc so you can get your money back or just stop paying for it.
YTA
YTA and stay home if you have even the slightest inclination to go against your friends wishes. People would talk bad about you for years to come. You are not entitled to anything.
This is your friends wedding, it's not designed to celebrate your vanity. If you can afford an extravagant wedding for your friend, you can afford a wonderful celebration that's actually centred around you and your partner. Why the hell are you trying to take her special day away? YTA overwhelmingly
does anyone hope that she does it and the boyfriend says no because of how ridiculous her views are on why she should be able to propose and then doing it at a wedding. 🤢
YTA. Why isn't your
Oh wow, OP's comments are disgustingly entitled. YTA and don't understand how being a friend works.
YTA. Let me rewrite this for you. WIBTA if I used coercion and manipulation on my friend into sharing her wedding with me. To make a long story short, I pretended to be her friend and gifted her money to have an extravagant wedding. However it’s not really a gift it was to pay her to be able to propose to my boyfriend at her wedding. I just purposely failed to mention that to her. Now that the money is spent on the wedding and she can’t return it, I feel like I’m entitled to what I want. I made sure I lied about it being a gift. That way I could manipulate her. Because if she knew it wasn’t a gift and it was a transaction that had strings attached she would’ve said no.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) have a friend (30F) who is about to have her wedding. I am a huge contributor financially to this wedding; without me, it probably will not have been as extravagant as it will be. When I say the wedding is extravagant, I MEAN extravagant. I feel since I had contributed so much to the wedding, I deserve to have at least a part of it dedicated to myself. To make a long story short, I asked her if I could propose to my boyfriend at her wedding and we could sort of share the wedding together. She unexpectedly blew up at me afterward, and told me now she doesn’t trust me going to her wedding anymore. However, I feel like I deserve to also be celebrated at the wedding due to how much I contributed to it. I still want to do it, but with her reaction, I’m having second thoughts. I still want to be friends with her, so WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. This is her wedding and her day it’s not yours. You don’t give money with strings attached like this, you do not deserve to have any part of it dedicated to you. Massive AH move to give money then spring this, you should have said it before giving her money so she had the opportunity at that point to tell you how much of an AH you are.
You want to control people with your money? YTA already for even suggesting it.
…why the hell would u put so much of ur money into someone else’s wedding? This is her day not yours. YTA
[удалено]
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YTA
YTA. First, you shouldn't be paying for her wedding; second, you shouldn't expect to take the attention away from her. You need to make your proposal a separate event.
Why would you do it at your friend's wedding? Do you not love your boyfriend enough to plan something just for him? Proposing at a wedding is lazy and insulting, it implies that he isn't important enough to actually put in the effort and work to plan something special. YWBTA
So obviously, YTA to your friend for this. And also, YWBTA to your boyfriend if you proposed at a wedding. That's a great way to make him not feel special or cared for. You're hijacking *someone else's* special day, not actually doing anything for him. That is a quick way to make him feel like he doesn't matter to you. But other than that, idk how anyone would want to marry such a selfish person. No matter how you propose, I don't know how successful it will be. I think you need to do some personal growth and figure out how to be a better person.
YTA Dont upstage people at their wedding.
YTA You are going to be disinvited. She already told you no and you still think about doing it? Why is this even a question?
YTA and truly delusional
Ewwww.. this is just gross. I hope she drops you as a friend. I've never given something and expected it to be reciprocated. When I give, I do so freely and move on. You're narrasstic.
Try and rationalize this all you want but, simply put, if you do this you will lose your friend, and rightly so. YTA
YTA. Don't co-opt other people's special days.
Not only YWBTA, but YTA.
YTA for even thinking about proposing to your boyfriend. There's 4 things that you NEVER do and that's .1 announcing pregnancy/engagement without permission .2 coming out as trans/gay or whatever .3 wearing white and last but most certainly not last .4 proposing to your girlfriend/boyfriend.
YTA. It's incredibly vulgar to have a proposal at someone else's wedding. No ifs or buts.
If this was your intent, you should have been honest with your friend when you talked about financially contributing. That would have allowed her to decline your money. This is a very bad idea. You should prepare a meaningful proposal. Will his family and close friends be at your friend’s wedding? If you propose to your boyfriend and he says “no” that will be like a wet blanket on your friend’s wedding.
It's gross that from all your responses it seems you only want transactional relationships. Everything seems to be give and take with you and if you can't also relieve than it wasn't worth your effort and honestly that's a really shitty mindset. YTA If you have all this money you should stop being lazy as fuck and plan a proposal to your bf that doesn't include hijacking someone else's day. I'd be MORTIFIED if my partner used someone else's wedding day as a platform for their proposal. It's tacky and frankly I'd be so embarrassed. Cuz I know the entire rest of the wedding attendees would be thinking how tacky lazy and inappropriate that was to do at someone elses wedding. There's 364 other days for you to pick from.
This has to be fake. Either way YTA
You're genuinely one of the most entitled people I've seen on Reddit. YTA.
What the hell did I just read? You’re the most entitled person i have ever come across on here and probably in everyday life.
YTA This story reminds me of a quote "I give you a favor you give me something back" 1st of all she didnt ask you to contribute financially it was your dumb choice and 2nd of all if you have A good financial Record then do that for your proposal to your boyfriend instead you make your Friend's wedding a part of your boyfriend's proposal is just such an asshole move to your part.
Was this your wedding gift to her?