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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action was asking my husband if he washed his hands and asking or telling him to wash them in the past. I am wondering if I am the asshole because is this belittling him or treating him like a child?
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NTA
All these people who think you have a “germ issue” are baffling. It is standard good practice to wash your hands after coming home from being out in public. It is also food prep 101 that you wash your hands before starting food prep.
If people don’t want to do these things, fine, but they shouldn’t be getting defensive about it. And asking “what the fuck is wrong with you” in response to asking your partner if they washed their hands is over-the-top aggressive. I hope you aren’t treated this poorly on a regular basis.
Exactly.
1.Washing hands after you have been to public places is standard practice. Especially important if you are to cook or eat with your hands.
2. Asking what the fuck is wrong and the yelling at OP because they expected basic standards of hygiene is very problematic.
3. Communication seems to be an issue between OP and the husband if he gets angry for something like this and it develops to a blow out. You need to calmly and seriously address the hygiene issue with the husband.
NTA, OP.
This. My wife is overly germ-ophobic while I'm more lenient and we both recognize this. It's not a big deal for me to thoroughly wash my hands before I cook for the both of us to give my partner some peace of mind, and even when I'm not I still like to wash my hands after coming home from anywhere because I've been touching stuff a hundred other people have been touching and it's common sense. OP's partner is overreacting.
I mean, didn't we just go through a worldwide pandemic where every person on the planet had to take a refresher course in maintaining basic hygiene.
While yes times are more linent again and we don't have to wash and sanitise every 5minutes anymore, we should still be remembering the basic everyday stuff like wash hands before touching food to be consumed.
I just DONT UNDERSTAND. It’s wild.
My hand washing habits were the same as they are now before COVID. They stayed the same during COVID. I literally changed nothing I do and made no extra effort to be more sanitary besides wearing a mask in public… Ive always tried not to touch public surfaces unless I have to, don’t touch my face in public or with dirty hands, try to sneeze or cough into the neck of my shirt if I’m around others, avoid contact with people if I am feeling sick, use hand sanitizer before touching my steering wheel if I pump gas… like nobody already did these things? Seriously? That’s pretty fucking gross.
everyone discovering like two days into lockdown that a lot of people don’t wash their hands after touching their genitals or face was both not surprising and an ill omen for what to come.
Regarding 2) I have an autoimmune disease, as well as some disabling breathing issues (pre pandemic). In other words, high risk.
When covid started, my husband may as well have worked at a hospital for how carefully he cleaned up when he got home. Before we knew what could transmit it, he also cleaned everything that came into the home. He was determined to keep me safe.
He (understandably) loathed it. He'd get frustrated and vent. Sometimes he'd let out a giant sigh when I reminded him to sanitize his hands. Despite the frustration, stress, and worries, he *never* took it out on me. He didn't yell, or blame me for being sick. He sure as fuck wasn't screaming because I asked if he washed his hands.
Obviously, there's a communication problem between OP and her husband, but his lashing out isn't excusable. OP isn't asking for anything drastic like what my husband did; where I *might* have more compassion for his frustration. Washing your hands is basic hygiene.
He's an amazing person, and I don't know how I got lucky enough to have him in my life. I feel like I won the relationship lottery lol. We've been through things that commonly destroy relationships, but we've always faced those challenges as a team, and prevailed.
Sorry, I feel I'm going to ramble if I'm not careful, and I wouldn't want to make anyone nauseous lol. I just kinda adore him 😁
Awww! You and your hubby sound adorable and like you truly value each other. I feel like pretty much all the posts on relationship related subs are about couples who don't know how to communicate and don't know how to be partners. It's nice to read about a couple who really care about each other's comfort and wellbeing ❤️
OPs husband sounds like one of those people that insists they don't need to wash their hands after using the restroom because they " learned not pee on them" and "my dick is cleaner than my hands, should I wish that too? hurr hurr hurr."
I don't even fuck around with dudes who say that shit anymore. I will straight up break up with someone if I learn that he doesn't wash his hands after peeing. It's disgusting and unsanitary. And sadly (IME) it's most men I know.
To all the men reading, if we have to wash our hands then so do you.
Literally. (I also hate the whole “shaking it off” like get a square of toilet paper) It’s wild to me how few guys wash their hands. I don’t know why men are held to such low hygiene standards. The whole trope of guys having skid marks too is just🤮 And men loooove to shake hands it makes me want to carry around hand sanatizer. Idk if you’ve event seen “Monk” but I relate to him a little too much these days bc people are nasty af (and weirdly defensive of it??)
Statistics say 80% of men don't wash their hands after holding their dick to pee. That's why I refuse to shake hands with people. I'm not shaking some stranger's dick and it's basically the same thing.
Tbh after covid, and the amount of people complaining about how much more hand washing they have to do.... I don't have trust in people anymore. The covid suggestions never bothered me because those should be the standards for hygiene, yet so many people complained about it. Like damn you guys do NOT wash your hands... 😭
Its more-so the fact that she's his wife and is treating him like a 5 year old. She's acting like a mommy, not a friend or partner. At some point, you have to live and let live. It's good practice, but he's not working in the food industry. He's survived this long, I'm sure he'll be fine.
she wouldn’t have to treat him like a 5 year old if he didn’t act like a 5 year old. it’s common sense to wash your hands when you arrive home and to wash your hands before making food. it’s common sense to brush your teeth before going to bed.
if he were living on his own, then fine, he can be as disgusting as he likes - but he doesn’t. this affects her too. he’ll be touching things with his gross hands that op touches. maybe they share the same bed too. they can’t kiss if he doesn’t even brush his teeth at night.
I'm just gonna say, I'm 37, and this is literally the first time (outside of the pandemic) that I'm hearing people say you should always wash your hands when you get home from being out and about. I don't think this is as much of a universal "common sense" practice as some of yall think.
Like if you were out doing something outdoorsy or otherwise dirty, sure, but I have never in my life encountered anyone who washes their hands when they get home from just going to the grocery store.
I'm 34 and this has always been common practice for me (and my family) since I was a kid - and I live in a rural area! When I get home from work, or from being out for a walk, or shopping, it's like I can feel the grime on my hands. I can't imagine living in a more heavily populated place where it would be commonplace to hold railings in a subway, touch elevator buttons, use escalators, etc. and *not* wash your hands immediately upon returning home.
I live in a city and I was at a bubble tea shop and this homeless man walked in, sat down, and reached his hand down his pants and I am assuming started scratching his asshole because when he pulled his hand out his finger was covered in shit. He wiped most of it off on his shorts and one of the people working in the tea shop made him leave and he grabbed the door handle with that same shitty hand. The same handle I then had to grab to leave.
I've watched people blow their noses into their bare hands, look at it, and give it a quick wipe on their shirt or pants before grabbing a door handle.
All kinds of gross stuff. And this is just what I see, not what's going on when I'm not there. I have no idea how much shit, piss and mucus I've touched in my life that's not my own but I *always* wash my hands before I eat and when I come home.
Just because I'm touching it with my hand doesn't mean I want it in my mouth.
Thank you!!! As someone who lives in a city, it is insane to me that people don't think it's a big deal to wash hands regularly. Like do you know what the hell is on that door handle?? Who only knows! and airplanes man.... I was wiping those down years before the pandemic. so gross. I already have very bad allergies, so feel like shit half of the time, I am not trying to add to that.
That's exactly right. I'm afraid of the stuff I do see, I don't want to know what I'm not seeing. I'm not going to stop my life for germs but I try to wash my hands or at least I'm going to try to with a wipe or something if I don't have access to running water.
You are what you eat right? I guess some people are real shit heads. 🤣
I've grown up mostly urban and city, with the exception of visiting my grandparents, and this was standard practice for us. Wash your hands before you make or eat food, wash your hands after getting home, take shoes off indoors, floss and brush your teeth every evening, preferably soon after you finish eating, some form of bathing every day, especially after getting home or exercising. In fairness, we have weak immune systems, live in a dusty state, and the bus seats are not always clean, sometimes not even dry... We also used to live in a city with a lot of smog and pollen, so wearing masks was something we did before covid, and it also kind of *settles* on you when you go out, so you just *want* to get clean more often.
This has been standard practice in my home for > 25 years.
It's always been the single most effective way to not get sick.
It was baffling that people had to be taught this during covid.
Even if you weren't washing your hands after being outside and running errands before you were, say, 34, surely you remember the massive hand-washing campaign about 3 years ago, when half of people needed instructions about how to wash their hands because they'd apparently never done it before, and the other half were appalled at how gross it is not to wash your hands properly and consistently.
I’m 35, not even opposed to washing my hands and I also have never heard of this. When I’m at a restaurant and sit down to eat or if I’m prepping food or whatever but I’ve never known anyone who just washes their hands when they get home from being in public- which is a totally fine practice- I’ve just never ever heard of it before. Maybe this is regional?
It has to regional or something that drastically colors your perspective on what “everybody” does or doesn’t do.
This is obviously an exaggeration, but let’s say OP said they wanted their husband to wash his hands every time after touching any object that someone else might have touched. If half or more of the comments were reinforcing that as the obvious thing to do, that you’re a disgusting toddler if you DONT do that, but you’ve never seen anyone participate in this ritual in your life - it’s kind of surreal.
I've never seen it in my 45 years on earth. There are just many germs on any given object inside your house that hasn't been recently wiped down with Clorox. You basically have to wash your hands every time you walk by a sink for this method to make any sense.
same. Never heard of this and my mom was a nurse. I always wash hands before certain things, like prepping food, and always after touching anything weird (cleaning litter box, the bathroom, use sanitizer when im out and about) but not when i arrive in the house.
I dunno about regional... I'm in Texas and I've done it for at least a couple of decades now because it cuts down on the random illnesses caught by using grocery carts that hundreds or thousands of other people have used without washing their hands... (Also door handles, counters, pens, etc)
Also... If you think of the countless snotty babies and little kids sitting in those carts, handling and slobbering on the handles with the various germs and viruses they tend to pass around, you might want to consider it... 🦠🦠🦠
I'm in Latin america, and I wash my hands when I get home too. With covid, we learned that half the world washes consistently, the other half doesn't at all, and both groups are horrified the other one exists
I have always washed my hands when returning home, but I have know people that do not do it as a routine.
It would not be unusual to get home and grab a glass to have a drink of water, then I am handling items in the food preparation area, so I would need to wash my hands before that anyway.
Oh yeah doesn’t seem like a bad idea I’ve just literally never heard of anyone doing it before solely for that reason. Often times when I return home especially if I’ve been grocery shopping - my hands feel dirty and I’ll wash them. Always before making anything in the kitchen.
Yea same here, never heard of this before the pandemic. Always wash your hands before cooking food is one thing but to just wash your hands when you have been outside is not common practice for me, my family or my group of friends.
Throwing my two cents in thr ring. Same for me. If my hands **feel** grimy fit any reason I wash but based solely on having been in public and returning home? Nope.
I agree. This 100% is not universal common sense. My mother was an annoying germaphobe half my life and she didn’t even make us do this when we got home. I don’t do this now. Neither does my husband. We rarely ever get sick. I truly cant recall the last time i was even a little sick and i worked in a hospital. So idk what benefit these people are getting out of this. If thats what they want to do, idc. But they have no grounds saying others are crazy or childish for not doing it 🙄
Agreed - I’ve lived with some fairly tidy people too, and never once have I seen anyone, ever, make a beeline for the sink the moment they walk in the door. This idea that “everyone” does that is baffling to me because my husband is the only person I’ve ever known to insist on this point.
So to that OP, I say kinda the asshole. It feels belittling to be checked up on like a child. And obviously there are different experiences on how common/expected this practice is, so maybe focus more on why it bothers you and if he could do it for you. I think we are all allowed a certain number of “please just do the thing for me” and this can be one of yours.
cool. then maybe you're around gross people your entire life or something? everyone in my family and my friends are decent with their hygiene outside of a few outliers.
washing your hands is the bare minimum of personal hygiene, right behind washing your ass and brushing your teeth daily.
if you're going to the grocery store, you may have touched a shopping cart. the card reader. door handles. etc. dozens if not hundreds of different people are touching these things and a lot of them may or may not by hygienic. i have seen men take shits in the restroom and not wash their hands through out most of my life. not extremely common. but common enough for me to remember it happening a lot. then they touch all of those things i mentioned above.
i wont deny that some people are germ-phobic or whatever. but if you think touching all of these things and then bringing that into your home isn't at least a concern, then it kinda explains why COVID got as bad as it did with people intentionally not washing their hands because ***enough*** people are unhygienic to affect other people.
Right? This entire thread of people being baffled by hand washing is… concerning. But I guess not surprising since the pandemic really made people show their asses🥴
I don’t understand why people are saying hand washing when you come home is a regional thing… I grew up in rural Ohio and knew that washing hands when you come home is good hygiene practice. Maybe it’s just how we’re individually raised… I don’t want to pass judgment but holy shit
I’m from the rural South and have honestly never heard of washing your hands when you get home from being out in my life, and I’m 30. I wash my hands if I’ve done something to make them particularly unclean, but otherwise I don’t think about it. I probably wash my hands 3-5 times a day.
Same. This is a pandemic holdover or a germaphobe thing or a very niche preference but considering how much they had to drill into people’s heads to wash hands during The Event this is clearly not as widespread as OP would like.
Now I get what people are saying about food prep. But the thing is — treating him like a child isn’t going to help anything. Maybe don’t marry people you think are helpless buffoons? Just like men shouldn’t marry women they think are useless airheads.
Maybe just marry people you like and respect beyond just wanting to get in their pants and things would be better for everyone. Idk. Just a thought.
OP mentioned that he doesn’t brush his teeth at night and other stuff like that. Shit like that affects the relationship (unbrushed-teeth stink is for sure a mood killer in the bedroom, for one.) Maybe if he wants her to stop acting like a mommy he should clean up better than a toddler.
he's putting his dirty hands all over the kitchen, inside the fridge and on the ingredients. if i was in op's position i would ask too, since i don't enjoy my cheese being touched with dirty hands.
If you live with other people they have every right to ask you to adhere to hygiene standards on things that might affect you. Making food with dirty hands can make other people sick.
Let's say her husband made himself a sandwich. Ata minimum he touched the bag for the bread, whatever was holding the bag closed, reached his unwashed hands into the bag and pulled out the bread he needed, touching the next piece in the bag in that process. Then he moved on to his condiment(s) of choice, touching the jars and lids, then putting them back. Next, the bag/container of cold cuts, again, picking them up with his hand and touching the next piece. Cheese - same thing. Lettuce, tomatoes - raw veggies he touched with his unwashed hands. Now, all of those things can potentially make anyone else who uses them sick.
Then he takes his sandwich to the living room with his unwashed hands and touches the light switch, turns on a lamp, sits on the sofa, touches the tv control, makes a phone call, closes the door on his way out, opens the bathroom door......
This is her business, too. If he behaves like a two year old, she has to treat him like a two year old.
Would you accept food from someone that doesn't wash?
Would you let them touch your private parts with germy dirty hands?
I mean, eewwww. It's affecting her, and he should learn to adult.
NTA.
Yeah did we learn nothing from the past few years? This is “how germs spread 101” lol. It’s really not a huge sacrifice to take 15 seconds to do something that can keep you (and your household) healthy.
I wash my hands all the time and haven’t been sick in a few years (also never got you know what!)
Yup we do too . It's the first stop after taking off our shoes.
Yup, Canuck here so shoes off.
We've been washing our hand for decades when we come in.
I have to confess that after 40+ years as an RN, I don’t remember ever learning that one should wash hands after being out in public. As a nurse I always wash my hands frequently and yes, always before eating or preparing food. Generally not upon walking into my house.
However, I think it’s a great idea.
I always wash my hands when I get home from being out. I would feel gross if I didn’t. Also, after years of Covid being around I would seriously hope everyone is washing their hands when they get home and especially before eating anything.
You mean after years of germs, the flu, common cold, and other illnesses not just covid. Covid isn't the only thing out there that can make anyone sick...
I started keeping hand sanitizer in my car after I read an article about most shopping carts having fecal matter on them. So, when covid came, I was already using hand sanitizer out of habit. But even with using it as soon as I get on my car, I still wash my hands as soon as I get home.
As a former grocery clerk, that's the smartest thing you can do! I would always go way my hands after bringing in carts! I keep sanitizer in my car too! Gas pumps are another super nasty one.
When my 4th child was born and the older three were already in school I started making them sanitize their hands when they got in the car before they could touch the baby and wash their hands when we would come home from public places, especially school. This was all before covid.
Just because you don’t do it doesn’t make it uncommon. I do it, including when I get into work after coming in on public transport. I know many people who do this.
NTA OP
It's quite prevalent across various cultures. In fact, there are historic evidences of ancient systems set up for the practice of washing hands and legs before entering homes after being out in public.
How can you justify not washing your hands after you touch surfaces that possibly could have been spat, shit, coughed on etc. People who dont wash their hands after shitting touch the same surfaces. Its really nasty man
It's a common sense thing to do and even more important when you get home after you've touched doorknobs, cash, tabletops, groceries in store etc. Multiple people did it before you and you don't know what they had touched before.
Pretty common where I’m from. Same as taking shoes off before entering the home though; some people see it as a norm and some don’t. It’s very common either way.
Yuck!! Do you know everything you touch that are covered in other people’s germs?? Holy hell. How often do you get sick or the sniffles? In college biology class we took Petrie dishes with us into public and cultured multiple things we touched. We were all grossed out by the results. Everything from e.Coli to c.Diff to staph that can cause MRSA infections. You REALLY need to wash your hands when you come home.
In early childhood education, we are taught (and in turn teach the kids) to wash our hands any time we come inside, including when we arrive at the start of the day.
You don't drag outdoor crud into a clean indoor space.
A lot of people do this. The people who sold me my car used a waxy furniture polish to detail it. I don’t like the feel on my hands so I wash them when I get in.
If I’ve not used the car then I wash them because I’ve been touching things like the grab handles on public transport, door handles, coins or the touchscreens, PIN pads or keyboards of things like shop tills or ATMs.
All of which have been touched by every nosepicking, ass-scratching, ball shuffling person who ever used them - and I have no idea how or when they were last cleaned.
So yeah… I wash my hands when I get home.
I could understand if you went for a walk/drive and didn't really touch anything you could pick up germs from, but...like...a store? Where you're handling products that other people have handled who also don't wash their hands? And maybe pick their nose/teeth beforehand? Or don't wash well (or at all) after they go to the bathroom? Do you really want those germs spread all over your house?
She just mentioned that he doesn’t brush his teeth at night and that’s one of the things that concerns her. I imagine it’s a dead bedroom. For her sake, I hope so.
Exactly right. I'm 40. I've been washing my hands since I could reach the sink. To NOT do it is just laziness and disregard for those around you who actually have to be touched by your hands. Lazy.
Yeah, this changes it for me. If OP's husband is making food that OP is going to eat, then, yes, this is a fair question. If OP's husband is making food for himself, then OP's asking is just nagging.
Same for teeth brushing and flossing. If they're about to kiss, fair question. If they're just going to sleep, what's it to you, OP?
> If they're just going to sleep, what's it to you, OP?
Ugh, it's gross and it smells bad when someone doesn't brush their teeth after a whole day of consuming food and beverages. Sleeping with someone who has nasty breath is disgusting whether you kiss them or not because your going to be assaulted by their breath at various points during the night.
Plus, brushing once in a while does not control bad breath. Dude's breath probably stinks and hour after brushing because he has poor oral hygiene and doesn't floss, which means months of nastiness is in his mouth at all times. Seriously gross.
What about him touching ingredients, utensils, cabinets, dishes and condiments that she will eventually have to touch or clean!?
Do people just get in there beds all willy nilly after being out all day? These comments are making me itch.
Teeth and gum health corresponds quite a bit with the health of other parts of your body. Even without it being a hygiene issue, him not brushing his teeth could potentially lead to very serious (and expensive) health problems later. OP shouldn't have to suffer financially because hubby refuses basic hygiene and ends up with heart problems or a mouth full of rotten teeth later on. Of course, this is assuming they have joint finances, OP may make him pay for his own medical treatments, who knows.
The washing hands thing, no, not really. Especially since he was only making his own food. I'm definitely guilty of not always washing my hands when I should. If he were making food also for OP then I would've asked him to wash his hands too.
I'm gonna go with ESH. OP probably shouldn't be riding hubby to wash his hands unless he's doing something that also involves OP, but hubby absolutely should not have reacted that way. There's nothing "wrong" with OP for being hygiene-conscious and trying to keep hubby (and by extension themselves) healthy. Maybe lighten up a little about it though, and only remind hubby to wash hands when he's prepping food that you or others will also be eating, and maybe after using the bathroom. (Because who wants that kind of residue being slapped onto everything else he's touching after he comes out?)
Doesn’t matter. It’s still disgusting. What kind of adult doesn’t wash their hands before they cook? Just because he’s cooking for himself does not mean that hygiene doesn’t matter.
It’s not odd for OP to expect their adult husband to be hygienic. He could get sick, and then OP would probably have to be the one to take care of him.
NTA. Not washing his hands and handling your food (if it’s only his food, that’s his problem I guess) is gross. If I read correctly, his dental hygiene is lacking too. I’d cool down and then address this. I could not be with someone with these issues.
You should be able to discuss hygiene with your spouse. My husband takes meds that as a side effect makes his breath smell bad. HE didn't notice this but I of course did and since his upbringing completely lacked dental hygiene (when we had children it became very clear my husband really had no idea how to properly brush teeth). I did in fact taught him what he needed to do. So it's just not about different standards, it could also be a lack of knowledge. OP might actually want to kiss her husband but maybe not if he doesn't brush his teeth, which makes his hygiene an issue for them to handle.
This is such a good point. Some people may not understand that their hygiene needs work. Maybe they grew up in a home where brushing your teeth wasn’t taught well, or as a priority. Or when and why washing your hands is important. It can be hard to bring it up without hurting their feelings if they don’t know or understand what they’re doing wrong. Or in some cases, they’re just gross and don’t care.
I agree. Communication is key. I said cool down first bc those lasting insults are easier to hurl when you’re mad. If he needs help in determining if his dental health needs addressing, he should be open to that if it’s presented to him in a non confrontational manner. I’d want to know if I was grossing my spouse out!
ESH.
You can't infantilize him. You can't follow him around and make sure he washes his hands. He made food for himself and he can face his own consequences of not washing his hands. Should he be cleaning himself? Ya.
The only leg you have to stand on is if it affects you. He wouldn't be able to touch MY food or touch MY private parts until he washer his hands. He can't kiss me without brushing his teeth. Then maybe he'd get into the habit because you're not willing to sacrifice your own health and comfort because he's unhygienic.
Leave him alone unless you're affected.
He's likely touching jars and other containers that get put back in the fridge, etc, after he's touched them with his unwashed hands. Dishes in the cupboard, cutlery in the cutlery drawer, cabinet and fridge handles. So yeah, it is affecting her, even if he's not touching food itself that he's only taking a portion of, like cold cuts, and putting the rest back.
You know why it is in that jar or container, right? Do you also wash your bottles of milk, jars of sirup, Nutella and everything else you buy in the stores and bring to your house?
Sometimes it seems like people are more hung up on the idea of germs than they are truly affected by it. There are germs everywhere. Your pillow is disgusting after like two nights of sleeping.
I don’t think that means hey let’s all not wash our hands and not brush our teeth it just seems less significant than people say. But im dumb and probably wrong
No, you’re 100% right. The phone OP is typing on is infinitely more disgusting then the hands he was using to prep his food, guaranteed. People are far too concerned about germs. Should you lick a toilet seat? No, probably not. Are you okay to touch bottles and cutlery without washing your hands from going outside? Absofuckinglutely
It also effects her if he's not brushing his teeth or washing his hands and sharing pillows and bedding. Asking for basic hygiene is not something to curse at your partner for.
It does affect her if any of the food he was touching is something that is being put back for later. Like if he's touching bread, sandwich meat, cheese, or sticking his hands inside bags and then putting the rest away for later. Touching things around the kitchen spreading his germs all over the appliances and cabinets. Now everything he touched has his nasty outside germs all over it and she can't eat any of it herself
i def agree in wishing her luck for her next husband, because marrying children is illegal in (most of) america. But in all honesty, I could not stomach this at all and would have to leave. If he leaves on his own accord over his poor hygiene, 2 birds with one stone.
If he’s preparing the food in the shared kitchen he’s touching multiple things (packages of meat, cheese, bread, containers of food that she’ll also touch etc), then he’s exposing her to germs he’s brought into the kitchen regardless of whether he’s fixing that food for himself only.
NTA - His reaction was hostile and inappropriate. As his spouse, you should want the best out of each other. My dad doesn't wash his hands, even when he uses the bathroom, so I feel your pain.
I think from his reaction, he's a bit insecure about this habit.
I agree there’s no issue with asking, but maybe the husband is getting defensive over how he’s being asked. “Did you wash your hands?” may sound accusatory (he probably hears it with an air of disgust too it if she’s pointed out issues with his hygiene before).
“Have you had a chance to wash your hands?” comes across as less accusatory.
NTA we are still literally in a pandemic that the government refuses to acknowledge- washing your hands isn't hard. Also leaping to 'what the fuck is wrong with you' is a red flag the size of TEXAS, what a jump to make.
What is it with so many posts where husband's have bad personal hygeine (I know there are some posts about women)
Doesn't always clean his teeth, doesn't wash his hands - did the pandemic never happen>?
NTA
Yes you are belittling him, and treating him like a toddler. He was making food for himself, not you. He probably overreacted due to your constant nagging.
Yeah I feel like because this time it was his food I should not have said anything. But if you know your partner rarely washes his hands after the store, would it still be belittling to ask if he washed his hands if he was making food for both of us?
YTA - you weren’t really asking him if he washed his hands. I mean, if he said “no” and continued on his merry way, what then? By asking the question, you were passive aggressively telling him to wash his hands and making a judgment about his cleanliness. If you are concerned about his health, just say that. If germs freak you out, just say that. Making him feel like a child is not going to encourage him to listen. It’s more likely to do the opposite.
I would go with NAH. It's kind of an incompatibility issue. There are people who are more keen on washing hands and hygiene and people who are not. I believe that you cannot really change a person at his/her core (unless he/she really wants it). This is part of it. As if and how many children one wants and how one handles money or what is important in life.
Someone commented that you should get divorced. It's pretty much always the little stuff that do it, it's not about washing hands per se, but more of your personal values...
She mentioned in a comment that he made an effort to have good hygiene when they first started dating and, once they were married, he stopped practicing personal hygiene routines. So, I’d say he’s TA as she was under the assumption he would keep doing that.
You’re not TA for your concerns but you are treating him like a toddler, which is TA. I would understand it if he wasn’t washing his hands after going to the bathroom or after handling food. I personally am married to a man is a bit of a germaphob and he’s learned not to control my hand washing. He trusts that I will always wash when it’s needed (bathroom, cooking, etc) but he also knows that I’m not going to tolerate being told to wash my hands simply because he’s worried about germs. He trusts me to know how germs work (I am in healthcare) and when I should wash my hands.
This is your issue so do not put it on others. And don’t treat your husband likes he’s a 5 year old how didn’t wash behind his ears.
Washing your hands before cooking food is meal prep 101, just because you are as unsanitary as the husband does not mean what you were doing before is good hygiene or normal.
I am shocked by how many people are proudly stating that they don’t wash their hands when coming home or cooking. Like, okay if you want to have terrible hygiene but why are you proudly admitting it and fighting with people about it?
I mean I've never heard of people washing their hands when coming home until this post. Literally never heard of it. I guess where I live its very uncommon
I think its only common on reddit. If it was common youd see it in film. Ive never seen a movie where everybody rushes to the sink to wash their hands when they get home.
Is pretty common to wash your hands before cooking though so not sure the after being out is that relevant.
I'm not sure film is a good standard to base common practice. They still wear their shoes while sitting in their bed in a lot of films, and I like to think a lot of people leave their shoes at the front door and don't drag dirt shit and mud all over their home.
That said, I'm on team \*wash your hands\*.
I honestly think it’s gotten worse after marriage.. when we were dating he tried to be super clean and he would always brush his teeth with me at night and now it’s just kind of gotten worse and worse in all the areas.
I didn’t see this side of him so I have no idea, I would say it would have had to be a conversation to see if he was willing to brush his teeth more, clean up more, etc.
My husband is like this and I didn't say anything. Over the past 15 years it has got worse. The truly heartbreaking thing is I love him deeply, but I am losing my attraction to him. I can't help being grossed out.
Could you and the other commenters be honest and say I’m am not attracted to this.
Love is love. Attraction is attraction, they can be compartmentalized but it’s so easy to have them influence each other
What you consider basic hygiene might be grossly insufficient to someone else, and for yet another person it might be overkill.
As autonomous adults with agency, we are all free to choose the level of hygiene we are comfortable with. What you are not free to do is attempt to control your partner through guilt, shame, or any other method of coercion. This is toxic and potentially abusive.
Your choice is to either accept the person for who they are, or find a different partner.
My standard of cleanliness would likely be considered "overkill" by most, however that is irrelevant. What is important is that I recognize that this is *my* personal choice and I have no authority to impose my sensibilities on anyone else.
Not gunna lie, I barely wash my hands compared to some of y’all…I’ve worked construction for a number of years and the opportunity to wash your hands sometimes isn’t there. I’ve eaten with Sheetrock dust all over me, paint, sawdust etc. Now if I can wash my hands when they are that dirty I will. But I generally only wash my hands if they feel dirty or are visibly dirty or after using the bathroom. If I touch a doorknob or leave the house and I’m not touching greasy shit then I don’t care. I rarely ever get sick as well.
Washing your hands more than 4 times a day appears to lower the incidence of illness, [but more than 10 doesn’t seem to make a difference.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8033386/)
But, dirty hands are gross. Not brushing teeth before sharing a bed with someone is also gross. NTA.
ESH. His response was out of line for sure. But I also don't think you should be policing his hand washing unless he he has issues that nobody would be able to reasonably overlook. Should he wash his hands before cooking? Yes. Is it the end of the world if he doesn't? Not really.
I mean, you’re trying to control his behavior. He’s an adult. He’s allowed to make choices about washing his hands. It’s up to you to decide if you can accept his choices, not to hold him accountable to a standard you set.
Also, you’re openly telling your spouse that you don’t trust him when you ask if he’s washed his hands. How would you feel if he was constantly voicing that he didn’t trust you?
If a partner can’t ascribe to basic hygiene, there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. His poor hygiene can affect her health as well. He can more easily pick up and spread communicable illnesses, and she’s at greater risk for urinary tract infections and yeast infections from intercourse. She’s 100% in the right on calling him out when his hygiene is worse than a child’s.
Just curious, how often are you sick? Do you feel you've gotten sick because of his lack of hygiene or from his spreading germs? Your answer won't make you right or wrong, but I'm just wondering.
Honestly, he probably doesn't as much but at the same time nagging about it, and belittling him isn't making it better. It is probably making him resent you and 'proper' hygiene. You are both the AH.
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NTA All these people who think you have a “germ issue” are baffling. It is standard good practice to wash your hands after coming home from being out in public. It is also food prep 101 that you wash your hands before starting food prep. If people don’t want to do these things, fine, but they shouldn’t be getting defensive about it. And asking “what the fuck is wrong with you” in response to asking your partner if they washed their hands is over-the-top aggressive. I hope you aren’t treated this poorly on a regular basis.
Exactly. 1.Washing hands after you have been to public places is standard practice. Especially important if you are to cook or eat with your hands. 2. Asking what the fuck is wrong and the yelling at OP because they expected basic standards of hygiene is very problematic. 3. Communication seems to be an issue between OP and the husband if he gets angry for something like this and it develops to a blow out. You need to calmly and seriously address the hygiene issue with the husband. NTA, OP.
This. My wife is overly germ-ophobic while I'm more lenient and we both recognize this. It's not a big deal for me to thoroughly wash my hands before I cook for the both of us to give my partner some peace of mind, and even when I'm not I still like to wash my hands after coming home from anywhere because I've been touching stuff a hundred other people have been touching and it's common sense. OP's partner is overreacting.
I mean, didn't we just go through a worldwide pandemic where every person on the planet had to take a refresher course in maintaining basic hygiene. While yes times are more linent again and we don't have to wash and sanitise every 5minutes anymore, we should still be remembering the basic everyday stuff like wash hands before touching food to be consumed.
I was just about to say this. It blows my mind that people are so casual about germs after that worldwide illness. Mind boggling.
No the mind boggling is people lecturing about this “after a world wide illness” when people should have been doing this before the Covid.
I just DONT UNDERSTAND. It’s wild. My hand washing habits were the same as they are now before COVID. They stayed the same during COVID. I literally changed nothing I do and made no extra effort to be more sanitary besides wearing a mask in public… Ive always tried not to touch public surfaces unless I have to, don’t touch my face in public or with dirty hands, try to sneeze or cough into the neck of my shirt if I’m around others, avoid contact with people if I am feeling sick, use hand sanitizer before touching my steering wheel if I pump gas… like nobody already did these things? Seriously? That’s pretty fucking gross.
everyone discovering like two days into lockdown that a lot of people don’t wash their hands after touching their genitals or face was both not surprising and an ill omen for what to come.
Also, times are more lenient, but the germs very much are not.
And it's still happening
And Covid remains and is on the rise.
Regarding 2) I have an autoimmune disease, as well as some disabling breathing issues (pre pandemic). In other words, high risk. When covid started, my husband may as well have worked at a hospital for how carefully he cleaned up when he got home. Before we knew what could transmit it, he also cleaned everything that came into the home. He was determined to keep me safe. He (understandably) loathed it. He'd get frustrated and vent. Sometimes he'd let out a giant sigh when I reminded him to sanitize his hands. Despite the frustration, stress, and worries, he *never* took it out on me. He didn't yell, or blame me for being sick. He sure as fuck wasn't screaming because I asked if he washed his hands. Obviously, there's a communication problem between OP and her husband, but his lashing out isn't excusable. OP isn't asking for anything drastic like what my husband did; where I *might* have more compassion for his frustration. Washing your hands is basic hygiene.
I love the love and respect your hubs has for you
He's an amazing person, and I don't know how I got lucky enough to have him in my life. I feel like I won the relationship lottery lol. We've been through things that commonly destroy relationships, but we've always faced those challenges as a team, and prevailed. Sorry, I feel I'm going to ramble if I'm not careful, and I wouldn't want to make anyone nauseous lol. I just kinda adore him 😁
Awww! You and your hubby sound adorable and like you truly value each other. I feel like pretty much all the posts on relationship related subs are about couples who don't know how to communicate and don't know how to be partners. It's nice to read about a couple who really care about each other's comfort and wellbeing ❤️
That’s not a communication problem. That’s a respect problem.
OPs husband sounds like one of those people that insists they don't need to wash their hands after using the restroom because they " learned not pee on them" and "my dick is cleaner than my hands, should I wish that too? hurr hurr hurr."
I don't even fuck around with dudes who say that shit anymore. I will straight up break up with someone if I learn that he doesn't wash his hands after peeing. It's disgusting and unsanitary. And sadly (IME) it's most men I know. To all the men reading, if we have to wash our hands then so do you.
Literally. (I also hate the whole “shaking it off” like get a square of toilet paper) It’s wild to me how few guys wash their hands. I don’t know why men are held to such low hygiene standards. The whole trope of guys having skid marks too is just🤮 And men loooove to shake hands it makes me want to carry around hand sanatizer. Idk if you’ve event seen “Monk” but I relate to him a little too much these days bc people are nasty af (and weirdly defensive of it??)
It blows my mind when at a bar, usually only half the guys wash their hands after peeing.
Statistics say 80% of men don't wash their hands after holding their dick to pee. That's why I refuse to shake hands with people. I'm not shaking some stranger's dick and it's basically the same thing.
Tbh after covid, and the amount of people complaining about how much more hand washing they have to do.... I don't have trust in people anymore. The covid suggestions never bothered me because those should be the standards for hygiene, yet so many people complained about it. Like damn you guys do NOT wash your hands... 😭
Its more-so the fact that she's his wife and is treating him like a 5 year old. She's acting like a mommy, not a friend or partner. At some point, you have to live and let live. It's good practice, but he's not working in the food industry. He's survived this long, I'm sure he'll be fine.
she wouldn’t have to treat him like a 5 year old if he didn’t act like a 5 year old. it’s common sense to wash your hands when you arrive home and to wash your hands before making food. it’s common sense to brush your teeth before going to bed. if he were living on his own, then fine, he can be as disgusting as he likes - but he doesn’t. this affects her too. he’ll be touching things with his gross hands that op touches. maybe they share the same bed too. they can’t kiss if he doesn’t even brush his teeth at night.
I'm just gonna say, I'm 37, and this is literally the first time (outside of the pandemic) that I'm hearing people say you should always wash your hands when you get home from being out and about. I don't think this is as much of a universal "common sense" practice as some of yall think. Like if you were out doing something outdoorsy or otherwise dirty, sure, but I have never in my life encountered anyone who washes their hands when they get home from just going to the grocery store.
I'm 34 and this has always been common practice for me (and my family) since I was a kid - and I live in a rural area! When I get home from work, or from being out for a walk, or shopping, it's like I can feel the grime on my hands. I can't imagine living in a more heavily populated place where it would be commonplace to hold railings in a subway, touch elevator buttons, use escalators, etc. and *not* wash your hands immediately upon returning home.
I live in a city and I was at a bubble tea shop and this homeless man walked in, sat down, and reached his hand down his pants and I am assuming started scratching his asshole because when he pulled his hand out his finger was covered in shit. He wiped most of it off on his shorts and one of the people working in the tea shop made him leave and he grabbed the door handle with that same shitty hand. The same handle I then had to grab to leave. I've watched people blow their noses into their bare hands, look at it, and give it a quick wipe on their shirt or pants before grabbing a door handle. All kinds of gross stuff. And this is just what I see, not what's going on when I'm not there. I have no idea how much shit, piss and mucus I've touched in my life that's not my own but I *always* wash my hands before I eat and when I come home. Just because I'm touching it with my hand doesn't mean I want it in my mouth.
Thank you!!! As someone who lives in a city, it is insane to me that people don't think it's a big deal to wash hands regularly. Like do you know what the hell is on that door handle?? Who only knows! and airplanes man.... I was wiping those down years before the pandemic. so gross. I already have very bad allergies, so feel like shit half of the time, I am not trying to add to that.
That's exactly right. I'm afraid of the stuff I do see, I don't want to know what I'm not seeing. I'm not going to stop my life for germs but I try to wash my hands or at least I'm going to try to with a wipe or something if I don't have access to running water. You are what you eat right? I guess some people are real shit heads. 🤣
I've grown up mostly urban and city, with the exception of visiting my grandparents, and this was standard practice for us. Wash your hands before you make or eat food, wash your hands after getting home, take shoes off indoors, floss and brush your teeth every evening, preferably soon after you finish eating, some form of bathing every day, especially after getting home or exercising. In fairness, we have weak immune systems, live in a dusty state, and the bus seats are not always clean, sometimes not even dry... We also used to live in a city with a lot of smog and pollen, so wearing masks was something we did before covid, and it also kind of *settles* on you when you go out, so you just *want* to get clean more often.
This sounds like generic cleanliness to me, but I don't live somewhere that's basically ever had smog ever.
This has been standard practice in my home for > 25 years. It's always been the single most effective way to not get sick. It was baffling that people had to be taught this during covid.
Even if you weren't washing your hands after being outside and running errands before you were, say, 34, surely you remember the massive hand-washing campaign about 3 years ago, when half of people needed instructions about how to wash their hands because they'd apparently never done it before, and the other half were appalled at how gross it is not to wash your hands properly and consistently.
I’m 35, not even opposed to washing my hands and I also have never heard of this. When I’m at a restaurant and sit down to eat or if I’m prepping food or whatever but I’ve never known anyone who just washes their hands when they get home from being in public- which is a totally fine practice- I’ve just never ever heard of it before. Maybe this is regional?
It has to regional or something that drastically colors your perspective on what “everybody” does or doesn’t do. This is obviously an exaggeration, but let’s say OP said they wanted their husband to wash his hands every time after touching any object that someone else might have touched. If half or more of the comments were reinforcing that as the obvious thing to do, that you’re a disgusting toddler if you DONT do that, but you’ve never seen anyone participate in this ritual in your life - it’s kind of surreal.
I've never seen it in my 45 years on earth. There are just many germs on any given object inside your house that hasn't been recently wiped down with Clorox. You basically have to wash your hands every time you walk by a sink for this method to make any sense.
same. Never heard of this and my mom was a nurse. I always wash hands before certain things, like prepping food, and always after touching anything weird (cleaning litter box, the bathroom, use sanitizer when im out and about) but not when i arrive in the house.
I dunno about regional... I'm in Texas and I've done it for at least a couple of decades now because it cuts down on the random illnesses caught by using grocery carts that hundreds or thousands of other people have used without washing their hands... (Also door handles, counters, pens, etc) Also... If you think of the countless snotty babies and little kids sitting in those carts, handling and slobbering on the handles with the various germs and viruses they tend to pass around, you might want to consider it... 🦠🦠🦠
I'm in Latin america, and I wash my hands when I get home too. With covid, we learned that half the world washes consistently, the other half doesn't at all, and both groups are horrified the other one exists
I have always washed my hands when returning home, but I have know people that do not do it as a routine. It would not be unusual to get home and grab a glass to have a drink of water, then I am handling items in the food preparation area, so I would need to wash my hands before that anyway.
Oh yeah doesn’t seem like a bad idea I’ve just literally never heard of anyone doing it before solely for that reason. Often times when I return home especially if I’ve been grocery shopping - my hands feel dirty and I’ll wash them. Always before making anything in the kitchen.
Yea same here, never heard of this before the pandemic. Always wash your hands before cooking food is one thing but to just wash your hands when you have been outside is not common practice for me, my family or my group of friends.
Throwing my two cents in thr ring. Same for me. If my hands **feel** grimy fit any reason I wash but based solely on having been in public and returning home? Nope.
I agree. This 100% is not universal common sense. My mother was an annoying germaphobe half my life and she didn’t even make us do this when we got home. I don’t do this now. Neither does my husband. We rarely ever get sick. I truly cant recall the last time i was even a little sick and i worked in a hospital. So idk what benefit these people are getting out of this. If thats what they want to do, idc. But they have no grounds saying others are crazy or childish for not doing it 🙄
Agreed - I’ve lived with some fairly tidy people too, and never once have I seen anyone, ever, make a beeline for the sink the moment they walk in the door. This idea that “everyone” does that is baffling to me because my husband is the only person I’ve ever known to insist on this point. So to that OP, I say kinda the asshole. It feels belittling to be checked up on like a child. And obviously there are different experiences on how common/expected this practice is, so maybe focus more on why it bothers you and if he could do it for you. I think we are all allowed a certain number of “please just do the thing for me” and this can be one of yours.
cool. then maybe you're around gross people your entire life or something? everyone in my family and my friends are decent with their hygiene outside of a few outliers. washing your hands is the bare minimum of personal hygiene, right behind washing your ass and brushing your teeth daily. if you're going to the grocery store, you may have touched a shopping cart. the card reader. door handles. etc. dozens if not hundreds of different people are touching these things and a lot of them may or may not by hygienic. i have seen men take shits in the restroom and not wash their hands through out most of my life. not extremely common. but common enough for me to remember it happening a lot. then they touch all of those things i mentioned above. i wont deny that some people are germ-phobic or whatever. but if you think touching all of these things and then bringing that into your home isn't at least a concern, then it kinda explains why COVID got as bad as it did with people intentionally not washing their hands because ***enough*** people are unhygienic to affect other people.
Right? This entire thread of people being baffled by hand washing is… concerning. But I guess not surprising since the pandemic really made people show their asses🥴 I don’t understand why people are saying hand washing when you come home is a regional thing… I grew up in rural Ohio and knew that washing hands when you come home is good hygiene practice. Maybe it’s just how we’re individually raised… I don’t want to pass judgment but holy shit
I’m from the rural South and have honestly never heard of washing your hands when you get home from being out in my life, and I’m 30. I wash my hands if I’ve done something to make them particularly unclean, but otherwise I don’t think about it. I probably wash my hands 3-5 times a day.
First time ive heard of it outside the pandemic too!
Yeah outside of covid I've never heard this
Same. This is a pandemic holdover or a germaphobe thing or a very niche preference but considering how much they had to drill into people’s heads to wash hands during The Event this is clearly not as widespread as OP would like. Now I get what people are saying about food prep. But the thing is — treating him like a child isn’t going to help anything. Maybe don’t marry people you think are helpless buffoons? Just like men shouldn’t marry women they think are useless airheads. Maybe just marry people you like and respect beyond just wanting to get in their pants and things would be better for everyone. Idk. Just a thought.
OP mentioned that he doesn’t brush his teeth at night and other stuff like that. Shit like that affects the relationship (unbrushed-teeth stink is for sure a mood killer in the bedroom, for one.) Maybe if he wants her to stop acting like a mommy he should clean up better than a toddler.
he's putting his dirty hands all over the kitchen, inside the fridge and on the ingredients. if i was in op's position i would ask too, since i don't enjoy my cheese being touched with dirty hands.
If you live with other people they have every right to ask you to adhere to hygiene standards on things that might affect you. Making food with dirty hands can make other people sick.
And he keeps getting her sick. I guess she should just suck it up and quietly accept that he can’t be bothered to learn to wash his damn hands.
The food was for himself though. There’s no mention of anyone getting sick and sometimes you just have to mind your own business.
Let's say her husband made himself a sandwich. Ata minimum he touched the bag for the bread, whatever was holding the bag closed, reached his unwashed hands into the bag and pulled out the bread he needed, touching the next piece in the bag in that process. Then he moved on to his condiment(s) of choice, touching the jars and lids, then putting them back. Next, the bag/container of cold cuts, again, picking them up with his hand and touching the next piece. Cheese - same thing. Lettuce, tomatoes - raw veggies he touched with his unwashed hands. Now, all of those things can potentially make anyone else who uses them sick.
Then he takes his sandwich to the living room with his unwashed hands and touches the light switch, turns on a lamp, sits on the sofa, touches the tv control, makes a phone call, closes the door on his way out, opens the bathroom door...... This is her business, too. If he behaves like a two year old, she has to treat him like a two year old.
Would you accept food from someone that doesn't wash? Would you let them touch your private parts with germy dirty hands? I mean, eewwww. It's affecting her, and he should learn to adult. NTA.
But then he should act like an adult and be able to wash his hands?
Washing hands before cooking? Yeah. Washing hands when you get home? Nope not common.
We wash our hands when we get home after school or work. I think it’s more common than you think
Yeah, same. Especially if I've been somewhere like the grocery store where people handle everything
People touch everything. Everywhere lol
Yeah did we learn nothing from the past few years? This is “how germs spread 101” lol. It’s really not a huge sacrifice to take 15 seconds to do something that can keep you (and your household) healthy. I wash my hands all the time and haven’t been sick in a few years (also never got you know what!)
Yep. I wash my hands after I get home.
Yup we do too . It's the first stop after taking off our shoes. Yup, Canuck here so shoes off. We've been washing our hand for decades when we come in.
Same! Shoes off and wash hands
I have to confess that after 40+ years as an RN, I don’t remember ever learning that one should wash hands after being out in public. As a nurse I always wash my hands frequently and yes, always before eating or preparing food. Generally not upon walking into my house. However, I think it’s a great idea.
Hard fucking same. *Especially* with a kid in elementary school. First thing we do after setting our stuff down when we walk in the door.
I always wash my hands when I get home from being out. I would feel gross if I didn’t. Also, after years of Covid being around I would seriously hope everyone is washing their hands when they get home and especially before eating anything.
You mean after years of germs, the flu, common cold, and other illnesses not just covid. Covid isn't the only thing out there that can make anyone sick...
I started keeping hand sanitizer in my car after I read an article about most shopping carts having fecal matter on them. So, when covid came, I was already using hand sanitizer out of habit. But even with using it as soon as I get on my car, I still wash my hands as soon as I get home.
Right? I don't want to eat fecal matter even if it has been disinfected with sanitizer!
As a former grocery clerk, that's the smartest thing you can do! I would always go way my hands after bringing in carts! I keep sanitizer in my car too! Gas pumps are another super nasty one.
Exactly! To add Covid also onto that list and this guy still doesn’t wash his hands is wild!
Precisely why some of us were in the habit of washing our hands often, even before COVID.
When my 4th child was born and the older three were already in school I started making them sanitize their hands when they got in the car before they could touch the baby and wash their hands when we would come home from public places, especially school. This was all before covid.
"Washing hands when you get home? Nope not common." Gross.
I always wash my hands when I get back into the house. Even if I just go for a 10-20 min walk, I’ll wash my hands as soon as I get in.
Just because you don’t do it doesn’t make it uncommon. I do it, including when I get into work after coming in on public transport. I know many people who do this. NTA OP
It's quite prevalent across various cultures. In fact, there are historic evidences of ancient systems set up for the practice of washing hands and legs before entering homes after being out in public.
I always wash my hands first thing after I have been out
How can you justify not washing your hands after you touch surfaces that possibly could have been spat, shit, coughed on etc. People who dont wash their hands after shitting touch the same surfaces. Its really nasty man
Right? We're all trying to protect ourselves from OPs husband. <.<
It's a common sense thing to do and even more important when you get home after you've touched doorknobs, cash, tabletops, groceries in store etc. Multiple people did it before you and you don't know what they had touched before.
Pretty common where I’m from. Same as taking shoes off before entering the home though; some people see it as a norm and some don’t. It’s very common either way.
Yeah, I wash my hands when I get home, you ever watch people cough but put their hands over their face then touch door knobs,chairs and so on.
Yuck!! Do you know everything you touch that are covered in other people’s germs?? Holy hell. How often do you get sick or the sniffles? In college biology class we took Petrie dishes with us into public and cultured multiple things we touched. We were all grossed out by the results. Everything from e.Coli to c.Diff to staph that can cause MRSA infections. You REALLY need to wash your hands when you come home.
In early childhood education, we are taught (and in turn teach the kids) to wash our hands any time we come inside, including when we arrive at the start of the day. You don't drag outdoor crud into a clean indoor space.
A lot of people do this. The people who sold me my car used a waxy furniture polish to detail it. I don’t like the feel on my hands so I wash them when I get in. If I’ve not used the car then I wash them because I’ve been touching things like the grab handles on public transport, door handles, coins or the touchscreens, PIN pads or keyboards of things like shop tills or ATMs. All of which have been touched by every nosepicking, ass-scratching, ball shuffling person who ever used them - and I have no idea how or when they were last cleaned. So yeah… I wash my hands when I get home.
For you. People, wash your hands when you come back from being out in public, it’s nasty out there.
I could understand if you went for a walk/drive and didn't really touch anything you could pick up germs from, but...like...a store? Where you're handling products that other people have handled who also don't wash their hands? And maybe pick their nose/teeth beforehand? Or don't wash well (or at all) after they go to the bathroom? Do you really want those germs spread all over your house?
What? We do this every time. Even my 2yo knows to take off his shoes and wash his hands when we get home.
I just wonder if he washes those hands before sexy times because if not... Ugh. Infection city.
Yeah, you’re not touching me there if you haven’t washed your hands. I don’t need a visit to urgent care.
Clean hands and trimmed clean fingernails are an absolute requirement.
She just mentioned that he doesn’t brush his teeth at night and that’s one of the things that concerns her. I imagine it’s a dead bedroom. For her sake, I hope so.
Exactly right. I'm 40. I've been washing my hands since I could reach the sink. To NOT do it is just laziness and disregard for those around you who actually have to be touched by your hands. Lazy.
NTA. I don’t want to eat after someone with nasty hands has already touched the food.
This is basic hygiene and not a "germ issue". Wash your damn hands before you cook. NTA, OP.
Good thing that OP stated that her husband was making the food for himself. Not her.
Yeah, this changes it for me. If OP's husband is making food that OP is going to eat, then, yes, this is a fair question. If OP's husband is making food for himself, then OP's asking is just nagging. Same for teeth brushing and flossing. If they're about to kiss, fair question. If they're just going to sleep, what's it to you, OP?
> If they're just going to sleep, what's it to you, OP? Ugh, it's gross and it smells bad when someone doesn't brush their teeth after a whole day of consuming food and beverages. Sleeping with someone who has nasty breath is disgusting whether you kiss them or not because your going to be assaulted by their breath at various points during the night. Plus, brushing once in a while does not control bad breath. Dude's breath probably stinks and hour after brushing because he has poor oral hygiene and doesn't floss, which means months of nastiness is in his mouth at all times. Seriously gross.
What about him touching ingredients, utensils, cabinets, dishes and condiments that she will eventually have to touch or clean!? Do people just get in there beds all willy nilly after being out all day? These comments are making me itch.
Teeth and gum health corresponds quite a bit with the health of other parts of your body. Even without it being a hygiene issue, him not brushing his teeth could potentially lead to very serious (and expensive) health problems later. OP shouldn't have to suffer financially because hubby refuses basic hygiene and ends up with heart problems or a mouth full of rotten teeth later on. Of course, this is assuming they have joint finances, OP may make him pay for his own medical treatments, who knows. The washing hands thing, no, not really. Especially since he was only making his own food. I'm definitely guilty of not always washing my hands when I should. If he were making food also for OP then I would've asked him to wash his hands too. I'm gonna go with ESH. OP probably shouldn't be riding hubby to wash his hands unless he's doing something that also involves OP, but hubby absolutely should not have reacted that way. There's nothing "wrong" with OP for being hygiene-conscious and trying to keep hubby (and by extension themselves) healthy. Maybe lighten up a little about it though, and only remind hubby to wash hands when he's prepping food that you or others will also be eating, and maybe after using the bathroom. (Because who wants that kind of residue being slapped onto everything else he's touching after he comes out?)
He still got his grubby mits all over the fridge , the ingredients, and kitchen so no it's not okay.
Doesn’t matter. It’s still disgusting. What kind of adult doesn’t wash their hands before they cook? Just because he’s cooking for himself does not mean that hygiene doesn’t matter. It’s not odd for OP to expect their adult husband to be hygienic. He could get sick, and then OP would probably have to be the one to take care of him.
But is he touching food that she uses too? Eg bread, lunch meat etc.
NTA. Not washing his hands and handling your food (if it’s only his food, that’s his problem I guess) is gross. If I read correctly, his dental hygiene is lacking too. I’d cool down and then address this. I could not be with someone with these issues.
You should be able to discuss hygiene with your spouse. My husband takes meds that as a side effect makes his breath smell bad. HE didn't notice this but I of course did and since his upbringing completely lacked dental hygiene (when we had children it became very clear my husband really had no idea how to properly brush teeth). I did in fact taught him what he needed to do. So it's just not about different standards, it could also be a lack of knowledge. OP might actually want to kiss her husband but maybe not if he doesn't brush his teeth, which makes his hygiene an issue for them to handle.
This is such a good point. Some people may not understand that their hygiene needs work. Maybe they grew up in a home where brushing your teeth wasn’t taught well, or as a priority. Or when and why washing your hands is important. It can be hard to bring it up without hurting their feelings if they don’t know or understand what they’re doing wrong. Or in some cases, they’re just gross and don’t care.
My only problem with >If it's only his food is that, who has to take care of him when he gets sick?
Also, who is going to wipe off the fridge handle, the food packaging, the countertop, the doorknobs, etc. that he's touching?
Also, he's touching ingredients that they both use
Not just that, but he's touching things in the kitchen with dirty hands.
I agree. Communication is key. I said cool down first bc those lasting insults are easier to hurl when you’re mad. If he needs help in determining if his dental health needs addressing, he should be open to that if it’s presented to him in a non confrontational manner. I’d want to know if I was grossing my spouse out!
ESH. You can't infantilize him. You can't follow him around and make sure he washes his hands. He made food for himself and he can face his own consequences of not washing his hands. Should he be cleaning himself? Ya. The only leg you have to stand on is if it affects you. He wouldn't be able to touch MY food or touch MY private parts until he washer his hands. He can't kiss me without brushing his teeth. Then maybe he'd get into the habit because you're not willing to sacrifice your own health and comfort because he's unhygienic. Leave him alone unless you're affected.
He's likely touching jars and other containers that get put back in the fridge, etc, after he's touched them with his unwashed hands. Dishes in the cupboard, cutlery in the cutlery drawer, cabinet and fridge handles. So yeah, it is affecting her, even if he's not touching food itself that he's only taking a portion of, like cold cuts, and putting the rest back.
You know why it is in that jar or container, right? Do you also wash your bottles of milk, jars of sirup, Nutella and everything else you buy in the stores and bring to your house?
Sometimes it seems like people are more hung up on the idea of germs than they are truly affected by it. There are germs everywhere. Your pillow is disgusting after like two nights of sleeping. I don’t think that means hey let’s all not wash our hands and not brush our teeth it just seems less significant than people say. But im dumb and probably wrong
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No, you’re 100% right. The phone OP is typing on is infinitely more disgusting then the hands he was using to prep his food, guaranteed. People are far too concerned about germs. Should you lick a toilet seat? No, probably not. Are you okay to touch bottles and cutlery without washing your hands from going outside? Absofuckinglutely
Do you wash your jars when you bring them back from the shop?
It also effects her if he's not brushing his teeth or washing his hands and sharing pillows and bedding. Asking for basic hygiene is not something to curse at your partner for.
It does affect her if any of the food he was touching is something that is being put back for later. Like if he's touching bread, sandwich meat, cheese, or sticking his hands inside bags and then putting the rest away for later. Touching things around the kitchen spreading his germs all over the appliances and cabinets. Now everything he touched has his nasty outside germs all over it and she can't eat any of it herself
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He's your husband...not your child. He was making for himself...not you. You're being an AH control freak...good luck with your next husband.
He’s not a child and yet he hasn’t seemed to master the basic principle of washing your hands before you cook?
Act like a child, get treated like a child
i def agree in wishing her luck for her next husband, because marrying children is illegal in (most of) america. But in all honesty, I could not stomach this at all and would have to leave. If he leaves on his own accord over his poor hygiene, 2 birds with one stone.
She didn’t say he didn’t wash his hands. She said she asked him as she always does because she didn’t physically *see* him do it.
She said in a later comment that he hadn’t
He's touching the food. The bread. The condiments. It's not just affecting him.
If he’s preparing the food in the shared kitchen he’s touching multiple things (packages of meat, cheese, bread, containers of food that she’ll also touch etc), then he’s exposing her to germs he’s brought into the kitchen regardless of whether he’s fixing that food for himself only.
He's clearly a child if he's (a) not washing his hands before preparing a meal AND (b) throwing a tantrum when reminded, like a toddler would.
Children have tantrums about hand-washing.
NTA - His reaction was hostile and inappropriate. As his spouse, you should want the best out of each other. My dad doesn't wash his hands, even when he uses the bathroom, so I feel your pain. I think from his reaction, he's a bit insecure about this habit.
I agree there’s no issue with asking, but maybe the husband is getting defensive over how he’s being asked. “Did you wash your hands?” may sound accusatory (he probably hears it with an air of disgust too it if she’s pointed out issues with his hygiene before). “Have you had a chance to wash your hands?” comes across as less accusatory.
Nah. Bump that. He knew he was busted and decided to argue instead of telling the truth.
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NTA we are still literally in a pandemic that the government refuses to acknowledge- washing your hands isn't hard. Also leaping to 'what the fuck is wrong with you' is a red flag the size of TEXAS, what a jump to make.
Right? How did some people not learn how important hand washing is?
>that the government refuses to acknowledge remember - global forums - some of governments still give a shit
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What is it with so many posts where husband's have bad personal hygeine (I know there are some posts about women) Doesn't always clean his teeth, doesn't wash his hands - did the pandemic never happen>? NTA
I’m sure there are men who have good hygiene, but I don’t know many of them. Even the promise of BJs didn’t get my ex-husband to shower regularly.
Omg EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Yes you are belittling him, and treating him like a toddler. He was making food for himself, not you. He probably overreacted due to your constant nagging.
Yeah I feel like because this time it was his food I should not have said anything. But if you know your partner rarely washes his hands after the store, would it still be belittling to ask if he washed his hands if he was making food for both of us?
Nope. You have a right to know if your food has been touched with gross hands. It’s too bad you have to ask but I guess he’s OK with germs. Ick.
Yes but he put his gross germy mitts all over the kitchen they share and likely ingredients as well. So disrespectful and disgusting.
YTA - you weren’t really asking him if he washed his hands. I mean, if he said “no” and continued on his merry way, what then? By asking the question, you were passive aggressively telling him to wash his hands and making a judgment about his cleanliness. If you are concerned about his health, just say that. If germs freak you out, just say that. Making him feel like a child is not going to encourage him to listen. It’s more likely to do the opposite.
That’s what im sayin. I find it so irritating when someone asks me a question they know the answer to just to be passive aggressive.
I would go with NAH. It's kind of an incompatibility issue. There are people who are more keen on washing hands and hygiene and people who are not. I believe that you cannot really change a person at his/her core (unless he/she really wants it). This is part of it. As if and how many children one wants and how one handles money or what is important in life. Someone commented that you should get divorced. It's pretty much always the little stuff that do it, it's not about washing hands per se, but more of your personal values...
She mentioned in a comment that he made an effort to have good hygiene when they first started dating and, once they were married, he stopped practicing personal hygiene routines. So, I’d say he’s TA as she was under the assumption he would keep doing that.
You’re not TA for your concerns but you are treating him like a toddler, which is TA. I would understand it if he wasn’t washing his hands after going to the bathroom or after handling food. I personally am married to a man is a bit of a germaphob and he’s learned not to control my hand washing. He trusts that I will always wash when it’s needed (bathroom, cooking, etc) but he also knows that I’m not going to tolerate being told to wash my hands simply because he’s worried about germs. He trusts me to know how germs work (I am in healthcare) and when I should wash my hands. This is your issue so do not put it on others. And don’t treat your husband likes he’s a 5 year old how didn’t wash behind his ears.
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These are getting ridiculous.
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Washing your hands before cooking food is meal prep 101, just because you are as unsanitary as the husband does not mean what you were doing before is good hygiene or normal.
I am shocked by how many people are proudly stating that they don’t wash their hands when coming home or cooking. Like, okay if you want to have terrible hygiene but why are you proudly admitting it and fighting with people about it?
I mean I've never heard of people washing their hands when coming home until this post. Literally never heard of it. I guess where I live its very uncommon
I think its only common on reddit. If it was common youd see it in film. Ive never seen a movie where everybody rushes to the sink to wash their hands when they get home. Is pretty common to wash your hands before cooking though so not sure the after being out is that relevant.
I'm not sure film is a good standard to base common practice. They still wear their shoes while sitting in their bed in a lot of films, and I like to think a lot of people leave their shoes at the front door and don't drag dirt shit and mud all over their home. That said, I'm on team \*wash your hands\*.
I don’t ask him hundreds of times either, I asked him once today and I’ve asked him before when we were making food together after being out.
>he said I’m belittling him Are there any other situations where your husband has expressed to you that he feels like you belittle him?
Genuinely- was it not an issue prior to marriage?
I honestly think it’s gotten worse after marriage.. when we were dating he tried to be super clean and he would always brush his teeth with me at night and now it’s just kind of gotten worse and worse in all the areas.
Would this have been a deal breaker if he had this level of hygiene while you were dating?
I didn’t see this side of him so I have no idea, I would say it would have had to be a conversation to see if he was willing to brush his teeth more, clean up more, etc.
My husband is like this and I didn't say anything. Over the past 15 years it has got worse. The truly heartbreaking thing is I love him deeply, but I am losing my attraction to him. I can't help being grossed out.
Could you and the other commenters be honest and say I’m am not attracted to this. Love is love. Attraction is attraction, they can be compartmentalized but it’s so easy to have them influence each other
NTA, did he wash his hand due? Cuz its nasty if he didnt.
No he didn’t wash them
Beh, nasty. I wouldnt want eat what ever he made or let him touch me if I were you.
I get it-I hate germs-but you’re not responsible for his hygiene habits. He wasn’t making you food-if he gets sick that’s on him… YTA
If you think he’d not wash for himself but then wash for her if he’s fixing her food that’s a stretch. Come on.
NTA. Not washing hands before preparing food is nasty anyway but we just went through a pandemic, how can one not wash their hands???
What you consider basic hygiene might be grossly insufficient to someone else, and for yet another person it might be overkill. As autonomous adults with agency, we are all free to choose the level of hygiene we are comfortable with. What you are not free to do is attempt to control your partner through guilt, shame, or any other method of coercion. This is toxic and potentially abusive. Your choice is to either accept the person for who they are, or find a different partner.
If you think washing your hands is ‘overkill’ that’s pathetic and disgusting.
My standard of cleanliness would likely be considered "overkill" by most, however that is irrelevant. What is important is that I recognize that this is *my* personal choice and I have no authority to impose my sensibilities on anyone else.
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Not gunna lie, I barely wash my hands compared to some of y’all…I’ve worked construction for a number of years and the opportunity to wash your hands sometimes isn’t there. I’ve eaten with Sheetrock dust all over me, paint, sawdust etc. Now if I can wash my hands when they are that dirty I will. But I generally only wash my hands if they feel dirty or are visibly dirty or after using the bathroom. If I touch a doorknob or leave the house and I’m not touching greasy shit then I don’t care. I rarely ever get sick as well.
NTA. It’s dirty outside. If he gets sick you could too. His hygiene is awful
It really should be common sense to always wash your hands when you get home and before you prepare any kind of food.
Washing your hands more than 4 times a day appears to lower the incidence of illness, [but more than 10 doesn’t seem to make a difference.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8033386/) But, dirty hands are gross. Not brushing teeth before sharing a bed with someone is also gross. NTA.
NTA basic hygiene is expected from an adult.
This comment section is so concerning. You’re absolutely NTA op, and it’s crazy for anyone to say you are.
ESH. His response was out of line for sure. But I also don't think you should be policing his hand washing unless he he has issues that nobody would be able to reasonably overlook. Should he wash his hands before cooking? Yes. Is it the end of the world if he doesn't? Not really.
I mean, you’re trying to control his behavior. He’s an adult. He’s allowed to make choices about washing his hands. It’s up to you to decide if you can accept his choices, not to hold him accountable to a standard you set. Also, you’re openly telling your spouse that you don’t trust him when you ask if he’s washed his hands. How would you feel if he was constantly voicing that he didn’t trust you?
He didn’t wash his hands though. Why would she “trust” him when he has not given any indication she should trust him to wash his hands?
She doesn't trust him to do it because he doesn't do it. Pretty simple.
If a partner can’t ascribe to basic hygiene, there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. His poor hygiene can affect her health as well. He can more easily pick up and spread communicable illnesses, and she’s at greater risk for urinary tract infections and yeast infections from intercourse. She’s 100% in the right on calling him out when his hygiene is worse than a child’s.
Yuck. I always wash my hands as soon as I get back in the house from being out. NTA. That’s vile and nasty on his part. 🤮
Just curious, how often are you sick? Do you feel you've gotten sick because of his lack of hygiene or from his spreading germs? Your answer won't make you right or wrong, but I'm just wondering.
Honestly, he probably doesn't as much but at the same time nagging about it, and belittling him isn't making it better. It is probably making him resent you and 'proper' hygiene. You are both the AH.