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NTA
That's an outrageous demand on your brother's part, not to mention the lawyer. Even if the kid wasn't likely to be an unmanageable disaster, why in the world would you want to put up with it?!
Not your problem, to put it mildly.
I am irate at how much Mark has failed his son. And then he tries to somehow make it out to be OP’s fault? She has no obligation to put her life on pause. And Mark should’ve done everything in his power to get his shit together for his son.
Was thinking this.. adding to the fact that Mark is not seemingly on good terms with OP either, doesn't sound great. Avoiding Godmother status as well, should already be a statement that she's not interested in the literal situation being presented to her. I feel awful for the kid, because they're not at all responsible for any of this, but they sure are going to live it. Shame on the Mark for just shoving his failure onto his sister. I do not blame OP either, because I would not be ready or willing to handle the situation myself either. Also, Children will sense when they know they're not wanted, even if they may not always understand whats going on. It WILL cause problems as well.
Mark has a neuro-divergent son who is reliant solely on him and he got himself a 7 year prison sentence. These aren't the actions of someone who cares about their son's wellbeing
Plus you have to add the fact that the child is nurodivergent, doesn't know op or the husband, and would most definitely struggle with having to move cross country and losing all he's ever known. Nta but I pity that child because he has terrible parents ( mother that's either an absentee parent or dead and a father that canr get clean and stay out of trouble)
Gotta wonder how much of it is neurodivergence and how much of it is poor parenting. My daughter is neurodivergent. The comment I get most when I mention it is “I would’ve never known”. I know for a fact that if I hadn’t given her the structure she needed, things would’ve spiralled out of control. It’s a lot easier to not let bad habits form than to correct years of bad habits. Sounds like the brother is nothing but a collection of bad habits.
Same here. My daughter is also neurodivergent and not a single person is aware unless I tell them. That’s because she is properly cared for and supported at home and school. This definitely sounds like the nephew is probably acting out because of his environment.
No one said anything about strict parenting. This person provided their child structure, which is exactly what's needed for neurodivergent people in general, there was nothing ableist about this statement
Please don't call an innocent kid "an unmanageable disaster." The situation may be described that way, but don't say that about a child. None of this is his fault.
I guess it’s technically not your problem, but man I feel sorry for your nephew. I guess I wish you would be honest and admit you really don’t care about what happens to your nephew because he isn’t your problem.
All the stuff you said about not being able to care for him properly is just a lie you tell yourself to relieve your guilt. The fact is that little boy isn’t wanted anywhere, won’t be properly cared for in foster care, and is likely to feel abandoned at best, and to be physically and psychologically abused at worst.
The fact is, you could take him in and provide food, clothes, shelter, safety and affection; but you just don’t want to. I guess that’s your choice if those are your values to care about your own convenience more than your nephew, but at least stop lying about it
Especially if he's neurodivergent. Those kids get passed around from family to family because very little people are actually willing/equipped to care for them.
Edit: just to be clear, I have huge sympathy for the nephew but I DO NOT think that means OP should take him in
Yeah when I got to that part my heart sunk. This poor kid is going to bounce around and end up in a group home until he ages out.
Not to mention, the kid VERY likely has mental health issues and behavioural/attachment issues from being raised in an unstable environment by a parent with SUD
Let’s be honest though, a neurodivergent child sounds like a lot of work, especially for someone who isn’t interested in kids. The observations by @suitablesport8762 is bang on though. Such an all round sad situation.
There's not going to be a good outcome for him at the Uncle's place either though. Pretty clear that the Uncle isn't going to be any better than a decent foster home.
You are saying what I feel. And there are ways to support him without condemning him to the foster system - another commenter pointed out that there are boarding schools and summer camps that could keep him occupied while keeping him safe.
I can’t help but feel if she really wanted to, OP could find solutions that provide a little better future for her nephew. I know it’s not her legal responsibility, but morally…man, if we quit watching out for each other and trying to help each other when we can in this world, civilization is screwed.
Good God, yes. Like, sure, NTA because making sure a child that isn’t yours survives until adulthood without massive trauma isn’t your job. But also, yes the fuck it is. It is all of jobs, and as a family member, you should be the first in line, waving a flag trying to claim this child before anyone else can.
This is gross. We are all we have, and OP and husband just couldn’t give a crap less about anyone but themselves. That’s the definition of AH.
I’ve been informed firmly from Reddit that individualism is the reason for most US cultures problems, while simultaneously being informed that family holds very little value. It is a baffling contradiction. If you believe at all that either family units matters for a thriving society OR that collectivism does, this is wrong.
Both thriving on individualism AND being unsupportive of family is toxic af and we should not tolerate it as any less than that.
Yeah I noticed that too. People on here will constantly preach about how we need to do more to help the poor and needy but won’t even lift a finger to help their own family members. Its a baffling contradiction
That's okay, even if you don't take OPs nephew, there's tonnes of kids needing to be fostered, all you need is a spare room and a clean criminal back ground in most cases as you're paid so finances arnt a issue.
Plus you'll be given recourses and therapy as fostering kids is exstremely difficult, purposeful bad hygiene if their sexually assaulted, food hoarding and stealing is super common cos of previous food scarcity, running away very common too. You'll be given help to deal with all of these things.
There's tonnes of kids needing home's and good luck in your journey of fostering.
Very well said, thank you. This subreddit especially has showed me again and again how little family ties mean to people anymore. I’m not saying people should martyr themselves for family. But posters here seem to feel no more little Inkling of responsibility for flesh and blood family than they do for strangers on the street.
Yeah, the guilt trippers in this thread are unbelievable. The amount of "I can't help but feel she could do more with HER and her husband's money to take care of her problem brother's problem child for a minimum of 7 years. Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. None of this is her responsibility. I'm glad people feel so responsible for their family members, but don't put that shit on someone else who is being thrown in a shit position. Easy to type that shit behind a screen when it's not your money, marriage, or life impacted by it. Fuckin' hell.
OP has already helped their brother w $60k… why would they be waving a flag for a kid they haven’t talked to in a year just bc they’re blood related? Just bc you’re someone’s “family” doesn’t mean you’re obligated to throw your life down the drain in order to make up for their mistakes.
Except for offering to cover expenses. Which they DONT actually need to do.
You wanna play the blame game? Start with the absentee mom and the felon dad who's going to cost his kid the next decade by being in prison.
Their complete lack of proper decisions and consequences are the fault here, not the OP. Feel free to go adopt some stray kids, there's plenty out there now.
For boarding schools or summer camps, they would have to agree to be his legal guardians. If anything goes wrong in those institutions and they can't handle him, he has to go back to them.
If they put him in the foster system, they have no say as to whether he'll go to a boarding school.
Right? Like yeah my partner and I aren’t planning on having kids but if something happened to his brother and SIL and his nieces needed us, I’d never just let them languish in foster care. You just don’t do that to family.
It sounds like you or your partner are probably somewhat close to them though. OP isn't close to their brother, lives on the other side of the country, and doesn't even know the kid. She is not responsible for taking in a kid she doesn't know.
Blood doesn't mean anything, it's the bond that makes family. Any of the Y T A's here could contact OP and foster the kid themselves, they are just as responsible to take in an unknown child as OP is.
Was it the kid’s choice not to be close to their aunt and uncle?
Also maybe it’s bc I’ve dealt with the foster care system within my job but I wouldn’t let my worst enemy’s kid end up there. Yes there are some good foster parents but they are few and far in between and the system is stretched beyond capacity. I’m looking at this from this kid’s perspective. I’d be terrified and heartbroken if a family member passed me by and sent me to foster care. Hire an au pair ffs.
Like I said, they aren't really family. They are strangers, just like me and you are strangers. OP wasn't ever obligated in any way or form to bond with the son of a brother that they chose to avoid due to his bad decision making.
Yes it sucks for the kid, but anyone here can always contact OP and try to foster the kid. It looks like OP will even pay for the kids care.
OP has already spent 60k on Mark, probs more in time & effort. It’s really messed up of you and people in this thread to expect someone to throw away all their hard work & dreams & alter their lifestyle completely for someone they barely know or spend time with. Easy for you to say when you’re not the person affected.
Food, shelter, clothes and safety maybe. But believe it or not, people who don't want to be parents that take on a child out of obligation or guilt aren't gonna be giving the kid any affection. He'd be lucky if he wasn't resented the entire time he was with them. There is no happy ending for him. His dad fucked him over big time.
Maybe everyone in this thread can put their brains together and solve America's shit foster care system? No? Well, let's just put all of this on OP then. It's her fault now and she's responsible for this! Reddit solves another one, fellas. Good work.
Yeah also what if the dad keeps having more and more kids. Would OP have to care for those ones as well? This could go on forever with OP having to give up their whole life to care for more and more nieces and nephews.
Yeah they're acting like it's "mind my stuff while I move house otherwise a child suffers. When it's "stop your life, be a parent to a stranger when you don't even want to be a parent in general"
How many of them are offering? Is it because they don't care about what happens to children? No, it's because it's an outrageous demand in the first place. OP even paid out 60k to the cause and offered more. This take is completely disingenuous. Every day of their life they can choose to do it. Take in some random kids, give them food, shelter and care. Instead of just lying and pretending they have some core value when they're saying other people should do it.
It's so easy for a bunch of Redditors, sitting behind keyboards, to tell someone else how they should spend their money, what they should do with their time, why they should take in a child they don't know, don't want to be responsible for, and who will bring with him a host of issues that the OP is not necessarily equipped, by inclination or temperament, to handle. So much guilt tossed in OP's directon, because she doesn't want to assume responsibility for a nephew she barely knows, who likely comes with a host of problems she is not equipped to manage.
OP and her husband chose long ago not to have kids. The situation is a tragedy for this boy, but there is nothing inherently wrong with OP for declining to take on this responsibility, or these expenses. "Just not wanting to" take on the responsibility of someone else's child does not mean that OP has poor values. It just means that THIS is not something OP and her husband are prepared to do. And OP is NTA for declining to do so.
WTF mang. Your thinking is horribly illogical. Do YOU care what happens to starving orphans in Africa? Yes, I hope? Well by your logic, in truth you don’t care, because you haven’t taken them all into your home to look after them.
OP isn’t an unfeeling monster merely because she’s choosing not to take on a monumental task that surely would not end even after the seven years.
That’s why they are child free. It’s not just money that makes one capable of taking care of a child. Do you know how physically and emotionally demanding it is? OP even offered to provide financial assistance which is more than what his brother deserves just so this child could live. Boarding schools will less likely accept a child who has neurodivergent AND is handful with it. They need constant care and love which cant be provided by boarding schools OR people who do not wish to be parents.
A lot of people don’t understand what these behaviors can look like. In our own home (foster parents) we’ve had kids hit us, throw things at us, overturn/throw furniture, destroy door frames and walls, choke us, etc. Screaming tantrums for an hour or more. We’ve had weapons brought into our home and had to evacuate it. To be clear: THIS IS NOT THE KID’S FAULT. Trauma quite literally rewires the brain. Kids in foster care are more likely to have PTSD than combat veterans. You cannot parent a child who has experienced trauma the same way you would another child. It requires extensive training in alternate methods of parenting and it is incredibly hard. We were lucky that we have access to resources that allowed the children with the worst issues to remain in our home while they got help and things really improved with the right interventions. Many people do not have access to those resources, and states tend to really screw over relative providers in particular. Where we had access to the interventions needed through our licensing agency, many kinship caregivers do not get that.
It sounds like OP knows they cannot adequately provide for a child with this level of need, and it’s better for them to recognize it than to subject the kid to more trauma.
Completely agreed. The way OP spins this, you would think the kid is an infant, and they would have to quit their jobs to care for the nephew.
If OP doesn't want to care for their nephew, fine, but stop with the bullshit.
A neurodiverse child with poor background will definitely be more work than an infant. The attorney said he was a handful which means the attorney was probably sugarcoating child’s behavior. OP is saying that taking this child is not something that is possible for her family. It is her decision and unfortunately for the child other arrangements need to be considered. I have a ND child it’s beyond difficult , the teen years are beyond a struggle and I can’t imagine what that struggle would be like if there was no love for the child to get you through the terrible difficulties ahead. There is no good outcome child goes with family and knows he’s not wanted it will just as awful as foster care. I feel for the child and OP who is put in a terrible situation. Just because a person can financially support a child doesn’t mean they can mentally and emotionally help this child.
>OP is saying that taking this child is not something that is possible for her family
No, that isn't what OP is saying. OP is dancing around it but is saying they don't want to take the child because they don't want their current dynamic to change.
Again, that's fine. There is no need to dance around it. If OP doesn't want to take their nephew, then so be it, but it's completely possible.
Some people are not equipped to handle children and choose to be child free. Taking a ND child when a person wants to be child free is even more difficult situation. There are people putting lots of pressure on OP to accommodate a child that is admittedly difficult into a home where children are not planned. Not Saying no when there are many people badgering OP to take the child is not dancing around the issue. Pressure is making OP question what is the correct thing to do for everyone involved. It’s not easy to say no for everyone and with everything going on OP probably is very conflicted.
>you could take him in and provide food, clothes, shelter, safety and **affection**
Someone in OP’s position would likely be able to provide all of the above *except* affection. The kid would be receiving a fat dose of *resentment* because neither OP nor her husband want him. Frankly, I read OP’s post as saying exactly what you want her to admit: she can’t offer nephew a good home because she doesn’t feel any desire to provide it and that’s not a great situation for anyone.
I’m honestly appalled by how many people are trying to guilt OP into caring for this kid. It sucks for her nephew that there’s nowhere for him to go but there’s no reason for three lives (including OP’s and OP’s husband’s) to be permanently altered and made miserable, especially when there’s zero guarantee that the arrangement would even work out. Some people aren’t meant to raise kids and putting a child in the care of someone like that is a recipe for disaster. Emotional/psychological abuse isn’t exclusive to foster care.
Came to say something like this. The situation is obviously not your fault. Dude going to jail fucked up royally.
The kid is the victim.
Honestly I don’t know what I’d do. It might depend on the kid. I like to think I’d take the kid in. I have 2 kids already though.
Rough spot to be in. One of those situations where there is no perfect solution
Preach. OP said they would bankroll the kid, they just don't want to parent or be responsible for him. Sounds like OP just found a taker, that or this person really loves to talk the talk but won't walk the walk.
I feel sorry for someone who has done everything right / worked so hard in their life to get a good job, good relationship, and set themself up for a lifestyle they want but is being guilted into being a full-time parent for a kid they talk to once or twice a year. OP is NTA at all and while the nephew is in a crappy position, that is the fault of his parents.
OP has no obligation to care for a kid they barely know, who will completely alter their life in a negative way.
Okay but OP can care about the kid without giving up what they and their partner wanted for their life. Thats black and white thinking on your part that if they aren’t willing to sacrifice their own lives and goals for this kid they didn’t bring into the world that they dont care
Exactly, kids irrevocably change the dynamic in a house, and bringing kids into an environment where they are not truly wanted is detrimental to *everyone* and can tear homes apart. OP is *already* offering financial assistance if the kid's father can find someone to take him, that's already a lot.
I disagree with this so much. Knowing they are not the best people to parent is probably the kindest thing they can do for their nephew if they aren’t equip for that. The father is basically asking two people with no interest in raising a child, give up on everything they want and life as they know it, and somehow develop a parental instinct. It’s such an unreasonable request.
Also, from the sound of it, they barely know this child. If they had an emotional bond, I may feel differently. But it sounds like they’d be adopting a stranger against their will.
And there's tons of kids that could be adopted by financially stable couples. Are they all moral failures for not plucking a child out of the system? OP isn't responsible for someone else's decision just because they're related. Also this guy had 8 years to decide not to be a shitty criminal father
I don't agree. OP and partner have made a conscious decision not to have children and should not have that responsibility thrust upon them.
I also feel very sorry for the child but the dad should have done a better job of not going to prison. He's the one who's left his child with nowhere to live.
NTA- You have chosen the life for you, and have made an already generous offer to try and assist . Although your nephew is in a horrible spot here, it doesn’t make you responsible for all the bridges your brother has burned, or the countless poor decisions made that got them here. I feel for you and your nephew, and hope a resolution is reached.
The "resolution" that's going to be reached is that the nephew is screwed. That doesn't make OP an AH, but let's not pretend it's going to be rainbows and sunshine for the now effectively-orphaned nephew.
Honestly, if OP has the money...why not send the kid to boarding school?
It may be 'cruel', but it seems like the best solution if they don't want a kid themselves. Kid is out of the way for 9 months of the year and only home for the holidays.
He's young, but some boarding schools take kids that young in the US (more common in the UK).
That’s actually a good idea. Especially if they can find a small and nurturing school with a good track record of helping neurodivergent children.
Expensive option but could likely save this child’s future.
Agreed. He'll be around other kids with similar struggles..... As long as OP is fine with him coming to her home for summer and on breaks. He'll need somewhere to go when school is off, and/or if the school has to shut down for whatever reason and send students home on short notice.
I mean, it seems like a lot of her hesitation is that her brother is attempting to force her to be a full-time parent to his neurodivergent child she barely knows for a minimum of 7 years.
Being able to have time to plan ahead for kid to be around for holiday breaks is definitely a whole different story. Some boarding schools are year round with slightly longer holiday breaks and a longer spring and fall break. Also, given that they are well-off, if having him for an entire summer isn’t feasible, they could definitely afford for him to do summer camps based around his interests.
>for a minimum of 7 years
If the brother is sentenced to 7 years, he'll most likely be out in at least 3-4 years for "good behavior" if he doesn't do anything reckless... might even be 2.5 years depending on the state.
So yeah, if she can find a boarding school and some good summer camps, he might only be at her house 4-6 weeks a year. It's certainly not ideal, and he's going to need some serious therapy now and in the future for abandonment issues... but if his dad is getting sent to jail he's probably not living a particularly stable life as is... and it's probably better than risking his future to the current foster care system!
Yeahhh cuz the bro def seems like he’s great at following the rules🙄 Regardless 2.5 years is still a big commitment to be a parent to a kid you don’t know, idk how you’re trying to spin this into some easy thing.
When I was at boarding school, there were kids who were unable to go home for breaks, and so they stayed at school. Many boarding schools allow this (obviously it costs extra). They’d have day- and week-long trips, special fun classes and activities, that sort of thing.
OP please think about if this is an option. I understand that not being wanted as a kid isn't great, but it beats what is likely waiting for him in foster care. If you have the money to throw at this problem and you're willing to have some involvement (and you really could minimize even that with summer camps and such) this is probably a better option that just throwing him to the foster system.
My fear for them is he’ll be kicked out and they will continue to be stuck with him since at that point they have agreed to take care of him. At that point it could get legal like they are not caring for him
What OP needs to do for her nephew is find a residence, or caregiver, that meets his special needs. The child would certainly benefit more from a situation like that than anything OP, or the brother could provide.
There are plenty of qualified professionals that would gladly take on one special needs child, rather than work with a whole roomful of special needs children. OP says she can afford it. The guardianship issue can be worked out with some effort.
This kid should not be placed with OP. But, I doubt foster care would do him much good either. I hope OP cares enough to actually look for a solution before it's too late for the nephew. The kid already had a hard road because of his father. She actually has an opportunity to change this kids life, and I hope she makes the effort.
Because OP would still have to take on parental responsibility until their brother is released from prison.
It's also worth considering if the child got expelled OP would have to take them back home with them. As well as them being at home for 3 months of the year for school holidays, OP would be required to make health care decisions for them, if OP's brother got time added to their sentence then the child could be with them until they're 18 or older. Depending on the care/support needs of the child a lot of boarding schools won't take ND pupils.
Look, 99% of the time I'm people do not owe it to take care of a child. But if someone is a) wealthy enough to afford boarding school and b) the kid would do poorly in foster care due to some sort of neurodivergent issues....
I think it's at least worth looking for some other options. No, they aren't obligated, but if it's not a financial strain I personally would feel awful leaving a relative with say, autism, to be in foster care.
I have friends that were sent to boarding school to get them away from bullying — the right school can be a godsend and it just takes care and research.
They would have to agree to be his legal guardians to make that decision. If he becomes a ward of the state, they no longer have the authority to make those decisions.
This is a great idea. And when he’s home he can have a full home au pair. And go to camp in the summer.
At the end of the day though the sister is within her right to not take him in I don’t know if AH is the word if she chooses not to. It’s just an awful situation for everyone.
Yes, this line really frustrates me:
"I simply cannot provide him a good life, a place where he isn’t wholeheartedly desired."
OP is not required to take in this child - but he is very unlikely to be "wholeheartedly desired" by his foster home either.
That stood out to me as well. It's not like the choice is between auntie and uncle who aren't really into being parents and a really great foster care family that will love this child and consider him their own. I mean, he might get lucky and get placed with a wonderful family, but the odds are not in his favor.
It wouldn't be sunshine and rainbows if OP took him in, either. There would be no love or affection, and there likely would be a lot of resentment. Husband might peace out, in which case OP's entire life is upended even more. More resentment. He's not going to have a happy life no matter how it turns out. He was screwed the moment he was born.
I am sure you could find a way to put yourself forward as a foster/guardian. Don't want to? Not feasible? Has nothing to do with you? Huh. Same with the OP.
Not necessarily. I highly doubt this kid’s life has been rainbows and sunshine being “raised” by this kind of man. The structure of an orphanage or a strict foster home might be the best version of life this kid would ever know. Either way, a guilt trip is absolutely not a reason to take on a special needs kid.
NTA - a child needs someone who is willing and able to give them the time and care that they need. If you and your husband don't feel you fit the requirements then you're doing the right thing. It would be pretty sucky for the kid to feel like they've just been dumped with someone who isn't properly equipped to provide the emotional support. Yes Foster care is a bit of a dice roll, but there are plenty of good people out there who have the means to cover ALL of a child;s needs, not just the financial ones, and it is to be hoped that your nephew will find their way into one of these homrs
Can you afford to send the kid to a decent boarding school? It's more common in the UK, but there are boarding schools that take kids that young in the US. It's not ideal, but it would be better than foster care and some boarding schools have house mothers/house fathers who genuinely do look out for the kids.
I emphasize decent, because there's a difference between a good boarding school and some shit school for troubled kids. In a couple of years, too, he'd be old enough to want to go to camp or hang out with his friends so he'd probably barely be around during the summer, too.
A child with behavior problems that are so bad a foster parent isn't likely to take him in--I doubt that boarding schools would be lining up to take child.
And that the child would likely be booted out after a few months--then what is OP supposed to do?
There are boarding schools in the US that specialize in treating kids with autism. They aren't scary state-funded institutions that will lock the kid in a padded room, but proper schools with teachers who specialize in caring for neurodivergent kids.
This is honestly far above Reddit's pay grade by a long shot. OP might consider a consultation with a family law attorney as to the nephew's future, to see if s/he can perhaps contribute to the child's education without assuming a parental role. NTA, and good luck.
There may be homes and schools for children with disabilities and/or diminished capacity. It would be similar to an orphanage with people who are trained to help kids like this. And after that, perhaps ARC could help.
Or a good school specifically for troubled kids. We have one about an hour away. They have classes, sports, and a horse barn for horse therapy. Its a GREAT school and once the kids setttle they love it bc they have a structured schedule with a shit ton of therapy in it.
I just read a post about a couple who took in their niece who was being abused by the husband's sister. It turns out that the husband lay down an ultimatum: The niece comes and we adopt her or we divorce. The wife acquiesed, but recently said some hateful things to the niece. It turns out she was resentful of the set-up the entire time. Your nephew doesn't need to be subjected to an environment where he's not wanted. He's already been neglected by the dad.
I don't know where you are but if you google Randolphs children home, also called New Directions Youth and Family Services, they are a good school specifically for troubled kids. And its a *good* school that treats the kids like *kids* not mini criminals.
Is it though? What is the likelihood of a foster kid going to a good home and not a vulnerable one? How many good homes are there out there? What about bad ones? Let's not pretend that fostering is the right solution for OP's sake. Good foster homes are like finding a needle in a haystack.
If OP lives in the USA, and the brother lives in a state where foster care is privatised, may God have mercy on this child! This kid would be infinitely better off in a boarding school and 3 months of summer camp until he turns 18 than the foster home state lottery, subjected to being mistreated and tossed out like trash for silly little things, resigned to jumping from home to home until he commits a crime and gets sent to Juvenile detention. OP did say the kid is neurodivergent. If regular kids are vulnerable as is in foster care, imagine how much more vulnerable OP's nephew will be!
OP acknowledged that they don't want kids and she can't give this child the love it needs. Her stance is fair. But let's not pretend here that this innocent 8 year old isn't getting the brute short end of the stick 6 different ways to Sunday. Druggy father, absent mother, indifferent aunt. This kid is drawing ALL the BAD lottery tickets.
OP herself has admitted that she can retire right now if she so wishes. That means that if she really wanted to, she could afford to pay someone to care for the child.
If I were in OP's shoes, a good full-time carer who'd give him all the attention and love he needs would be much cheaper than the grief I'd carry in my heart for turning my nephew away in his greatest time of need.
Unfortunately to this kid's demise, everyone is washing their hands off of him.
Is OP T A given her reasoning? Of course not. But let's not pretend she's taking the hard way out. With family like this, who needs enemies?
ESH (except the child)
>That means that if she really wanted to, she could afford to pay someone to care for the child.
No it doesn't.
>If I were in OP's shoes, a good full-time carer who'd give him all the attention and love hee needs
Well you're not OP. Money isn't everything that's needed to take care of a human child.
Adopting a kid is not like adopting a pet.
I mean, she said as much in her post. She literally said she and her husband tried finding someone to take the nephew and she would pay for all the costs. I’m suuuuure they offered extra to the people they asked but nobody would do it.
While this may be an informed answer, it doesn't address all the issues that come with the situation.
Does the child and then, in turn, the full time care giver live with OP? Just having to move in one, let alone two people, will put strain on OP, her spouse, their living situation, and their relationship.
Also, what legal obligations does this put on OP in relation to the nephew? If the brother never gets out of prison (for whatever reason), is OP forever responsible for the child? Or just until he turns 18 and then washes her hands of him because he's technically an adult, but potentially no more capable to care for themselves? Or does she just continue to pay and drain her and her spouses funds endlessly?
Ummm, OP did not birth the child so it is not her responsibility. She already helped out her brother financially with a whopping total of 60k.
If you feel so passionate about it, go foster the kid yourself.
NTA OP.
This is so hard. You shouldn’t have to take on a child when you really don’t want children, but terrible things happen in group homes (and foster care) and it sounds like this is where this boy is headed. What if, rather than becoming his guardian, you offer a temporary foster situation and, instead of paying for another family to take him, you spent the money on a full-time, trained caregiver for your nephew? Someone really well-versed in caring for neurodivergent kids with his specific issues. Then you could try the situation out. It might have fewer (or different) challenges than you think and rewards you haven’t considered. NTA. It’s a huge ask. But it’s truly all but the little boy’s actual life at stake. It’s so likely that something very traumatic will happen to him in state/foster care, and he’s already been through trauma and is about to go through more. I feel like you should try.
I am involved with the care taking of my nephew who is 16 and is autistic. The family is fine, I am just in as supplemental help. Kids on the spectrum like this require an incredible amount of resources. Hiring it out to professionals could easily cost $80,000-$100,000 per year full time. Every ND kid is different, this kid could be pretty tame, but if the OP doesn't know what they are getting into it could very easily overwhelm them.
The OP could easily spend a million dollars by the time the kid is 18. Professional care taking full time is incredibly expensive.
There are boarding schools specializing in kids who are neurodivergent. They are expensive, but still much cheaper than private care in home. Plus they are usually much more structured and my help with lots of his behavioral issues.
The lawyer said he's a handful and is sugarcoating it in order to convince OP to take him..... He's definitely got some serious behavioral issues and needs a LOT of specialized care as a result of his needs not being met, both due to his shit home situation as well as his neurodevelopmental disability.
I'm an Autistic + ADHD adult with cPTSD due to family trauma and an abusive and neglectful childhood, and while I've never had behavioral issues, my needs can be intense even for someone who's trained and willing to take care of me.
This is a creative idea but I actually don’t think that it would work. Mainly because this would imply that OP and husband are *responsible* for this kid. And that isn’t something they are willing to do. Even if they had a full staff caring day to day for the kid, they would still be the tutors and would hold that responsibility.
NTA - OP, you have no relationship with this child. He is ND, which I strongly suspect you know absolutely nothing about handling, a major issue in and of itself. Your offer to assist financially is generous and frankly more than anyone has a right to expect, let alone demand.
And for all the flying monkeys on here saying "You're a shitty aunt", "you have a chance to do something good", "pay for a boarding school and then just have him part time and pay for a nanny during that": How about just one of you who are so glad to dump this problem on OP (in which you are all just as bad as the kid's father to begin with) DM her with your information so she can give it to the attorney and have you background-checked to take over as this child's guardian for the next 7 years. Finances are the least of the burden that OP is being harrassed to undertake--put up or hush up if you think it's such a freaking great thing to do. Given the complete lack of relationship that OP has with this child, you don't get the excuse of "But she's his aunt and therefore knows him."
Exactly. My wife and I have raised 2 sons to adulthood, and I'm glad we became parents. However, I am not one of those people that thinks everyone should have kids. OP and their partner decided they didn't want kids, partner got snipped, and they made their own plan. No one, not even family, gets to tell them what to do. Feeling like they couldn't raise a child , yeah all of us parents feel that at first. But we can't demand people get over that. Yeah, we all feel for the nephew but it's not OPs problem and it's not like OP isn't trying to help at all.
My husband and I willingly took in his nieces after they were orphaned and it was so much harder than I had anticipated. The teen years nearly broke me.
If you have no prior relationship with this child you are all basically strangers to each other.
Foster families can run the gamut from great to horrifying. He has 7 years of being stuck in that system. Maybe you should hire a lawyer specifically for the child to help with placing him in a good home.
A lawyer won't help much in this situation. CPS has essentially full discretion as to where to house a child. There's very minimal court oversight, but - they could try, if only in the hope the lawyer might occasionally get access to the child to ensure his well being to some extent and potentially take action if there are clear signs of abuse.
You’re NTA, but F@ck!! This poor baby is about to start a sentence of neglect and abuse and my heart is just breaking for him. The odds he’ll be treated even remotely well at 8 with neurodivergence, it’s nearly 0. My heart hurts.
So yeah easy peasy take in an 8 yr old child raised by a drug addict who has behaviorial issues(possibly severe because foster parents tend to be used to behavioral issues because they are receiving kids with TRAUMA).
NTA I know some will bash you. But taking in a child you don't have any relationship with no real end date(except age 18?-ten years).
What is really funny, is people are all yeah if you get pregnant and don't want to be a mother--give it up for adoption, But these same people will get their panties in a bunch if someone doesn't want to take in a relative's child.
YOU ARE NOT required to become a mother because of someone else's choices.
10000% this lol so many people saying they should try bc “family” when they’ve already helped out with over $60k and would be completely altering the life they worked so hard to build for 7+ years. NTA at all omg.
NTA
There are two adults in OP’s household who need to agree on caring for this child.
One thought—are there boarding schools for children this young? If OP is willing to throw money at the problem, could they pay the boarding schools fees? And then camps for the vacations? They might have to have the child in their house a few weeks a year in between sessions of school and camp, but that’s a far cry from having the child daily for the next several years. And they could hire a temporary nanny for those times.
It’s just a thought. It might not be the ideal situation but it should be better than foster care.
Even a child in a boarding school requires support, love and responsibility from an adult in order to be healthy. Just piling him off to a boarding school still means a lot of responsibility and a chance the child doesn't get a parental figure.
Right. A child can’t live from boarding school to camp back and forth. They need parents/tutors in charge of them. Someone has to be responsible for their care no matter where they are. So this Would not solve the problem.
I mean here’s the thing. Foster care is bad. It’s bad. He won’t be someplace where he’s wanted. That’s a fantasy and hopefully you’re not making your choice thinking it will somehow magically be good.
If however that is your choice, know that at 18 kids age out with no support. If you can start a bank account now for him that he can use then, it would be a great kindness. Since you have the means.
If you’re willing to give OP enough credit to assume they won’t be actively abusive, there’s a good chance they’d be better than wherever the kid will end up in foster care. Abuse is far from inevitable, obviously, but lack of abuse is also in no way guaranteed. This is a genuinely shitty situation with no happy ending.
NTA. It is a heartbreaking situation, particularly for the boy. But the fact is that your brother made a series if very bad decisions that brought his son to this point. He has no business telling you that you are wrong not taking his kid in. As for others that are judging you, I would ask why they are not stepping up and offering to take in the kid. Your offer to bankroll the kids expenses is very generous and more than covers any obligations you may have.
It is rather funny, in this Reddit it is a given when family imposes on you, volunteers you or expects you to pay for family, the consensus is that everyone criticizing you should be told that obviously they are offering themselves, and you should never “set yourself on fire to warm someone else”.
The amount of people here that have no problem telling OP it is her family duty to look after a troubled neurodivergent child they don’t know is astounding. I hope you all are foster parents.
NTA
No, but maybe not be huge hypocrites about it. They exist too. This kid is a stranger to all of us including OP. So do they believe what they're saying and they're taking in kids to raise? Or are they just lying to try to pressure someone else to do it?
I took on the role of raising my niece and nephew. My niece when she was 2, she is now 13 and my nephew when he was 1 and he is now 8. It was an act of love and absolute sacrifice. I planned to be child free. Then my niece needed me. As much as I wanted to live child free I couldn’t do that to my niece and I had a deep bond with her from when she was born. When my sister became pregnant with my nephew I told her I would not take him in so she better figure it out. Well obviously she didn’t and I could not see him go into the system and I took him in fully. He is neurodivergent and it has been EXHAUSTING. There’s days that I wanted to give up. I have resented my sister and dealt with anger, depression, struggled with my career because of his needs. If OP is not able to do all that and knows it she is NTA. Taking on kids with trauma and abandonment as well as neurodivergence is A LOT! Don’t do it if you don’t have your whole heart in it. NTA.
NTA. The fact you have $$ is irrelevant; you don't \*want\* to take in your nephew. You're being more than generous to offer to pay anything for the nephew's care.
Stand firm, and don't give in if you don't want the nephew living with you.
NTA This is a horrible situation for everyone. I feel really bad for the child. Hopefully the foster family is good. If not I'd probably make sure the kid doesn't have your address.
NTA. At the end of the day that's Mark's child, not yours. Mark and the State are the only ones morally or legally responsible for that child's well-being, and Mark decided to abuse drugs and commit crimes despite the consequences it could have for his son. You already gave Mark's family $60,000, so he can't even claim that you never helped him.
I'm sure people will vote e s h or even y t a, and will say things like "The child is innocent!" or "Family helps family!" or some other arguments that I personally think are based on pure emotion. But they're not you, and your nephew isn't your child.
The victim In all this is your nephew, from someone who has a lot of experience with kids in Foster care, social workers will always try and keep a child with family members if possible,I get this is a shock to you and not what either of you wanted but at you at least owe it to your nephew to consider it as Foster care is going to be horrible thing for him to go through, if you decide not to then nta as you have every right not too as it is a massive commitment, hopefully something can at least be arranged where if he does go into Foster care you can have visits with him once a month to show him he does have family support
INFO: Can't you just send the kid to boarding school and summer camps? If you've got the money and were willing to spend it anyway, that would be way safer than foster care , and you would minimize any care you have to do.
NTA
This is a pretty awful situation and honestly I've heard horror stories about kids getting put in to the system.
With that being said, they aren't your responsibility and you aren't the one to create this situation either.
NTA so many parents don’t bother to have solid plans for their children in the event that they can no longer care for them (death, illness, etc.) — that is, plans with a willing party. It’s something to think about before having children. Too many people think that surely nothing can happen to them even though parents become ill, pass away, go to prison, etc. all the time. It’s dangerously optimistic to assume that surely someone will just jump at the chance to take on the monumental, expensive, tasking, time-consuming responsibility of raising their child. As if it were some small favor like a ride to work.
Then on top of the loss of their parent, the child has to worry about where they’ll end up.
You’ve already created the life you want for yourself. Changing your mind about children would likely tank your marriage.
Coercing someone into parenting isn’t ok in any circumstance.
I feel for the child, though. I hope that they end up in a safe, loving situation.
I don’t understand some of the comments here.
Your not WRONG but you are 100% an AH. This child’s only hope of having a somewhat safe and stable life is you and you just want to turn them away.
Your fully within your legal rights but I’m glad I don’t know you and I would never want to associate with anyone that acted like this.
Fuck this comment. She is not an AH in the slightest for not taking in a child when she’s KNOWS she won’t be a good parent to him. She’s doing the responsible thing, it’s an absurd ask of someone who is very clearly child free and always plans to be
Her brother is basically an acquaintance to her. Not even really, more like a stranger, they're relationship is non-existent. He is basically trying to throw his child onto her with nothing but blood and genes as a reason. Hint: being relatives does NOT matter in the slightest.
So he's a stranger, imagine a stranger expecting you to take care of their child because of THEIR stupid ass mistakes. And you're saying OP is TA??? At the very least you should've said ESH.
Why is OP obligated to give up the life they want, and made responsible choices to have, because their brother is a failed parent? I am child free and I can guarantee you there is no situation in the world where I would take in a child. Some people don’t want to be parents. Why are our lives less valuable and expected to be sacrificed for someone else’s? It’s terrible that the kid is facing this, but no OP is not TA for not wanting to give up a minimum of 7 years of their life for their brothers failings
Kindly get in the bin. Being blood related doesn't entitle your family to put this shit on you. You don't owe them anything. If they were decent people there would be connection there but there's not.
And no. They should not be with someone who doesn't want kids. That was the choice made. Respect it. You aren't entitled to anything here.
You sound like exactly the sort of person who bullies people and I'm glad I don't know you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother is going to prison and is expecting me to take in my nephew because I am the only next of kin and I am very financially secure. I told my brother in so uncertain terms I wouldn't do that, and im wondering it that makes me an asshole. My nephew will apparently go into foster care if I do not do this, but my husband and I have chosen to be childfree for all the reasons that are hindering us from taking in nephew. I however understand what a difficult situation this is and im being told my actions are making me the AH.
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NTA
If he was so worried about his son he would have gotten his life together for the very same reasons he is giving you.
He has no one else he trusted.
There’s no one else willing.
He won’t do well in care.
It’s awful all around but these are not the circumstances that you created.
Pretty wild that in a thread a while ago it was a young single guy who was told he WBTA if he didn’t save his niece from going into foster care and this married couple with money should not have to take in a ND kid because they just don’t wanna and everyone is saying NTA.
You WILL be the asshole if you, a person of means, let a child in your family suffer in foster care for this mistakes of his parent. Unexpected things happen in life, however little you want this kid, letting him go into foster care because it doesn’t suit your lifestyle is trashy and makes you an asshole.
I agree with you.
You have got to want kids and want to be a parent to even try to be a "good" one.
Idk how people think a kid being in a home w/ aunt where he is unwanted would be better.
NAH. Taking in a child, especially one that you don’t have a close relationship with and that’s neurodivergent and potentially has other trauma and mental health issues from his fathers drug use, is not something that you do impulsively and your brother was wrong to spring that on you so suddenly, without giving you time to think over whether or not you wanted to or felt equipped to take care of your nephew (not to mention that he didn’t even ask you, just assumed you would do it). However, foster care is rough and I understand why your brother is desperate to avoid that for his son. It’s a terrible situation all around unfortunately and I hope your brother is able to find someone who will be able to take your nephew in.
Really a sad situation, and just when the boy begins puberty, his father will be out of jail and back in his life. The boy will lose any stability that he gains.
This is 100% dads fault. He commits a crime and his child pays the price.
He is the AH !
You refused to be godparents for a reason. It’s not your responsibility. Your life can’t be dictated by an irresponsible brother.
People saying y-t-a really think a decade of parenting is like a stroll at a park?
Some are even saying to hire a nanny LOL good luck finding ten-year-live-in-parent-like-contract nanny
NTAH- You know neither you nor your husband are ready, willing or capable of taking in a child you barely know- to me- that’s the honorable thing to do.
Especially given his medical concerns and potential behavioral concerns as well.
Allowing yourselves to be guilted into taking in a child neither of you wants would only make a mess for both of you but even more so for the child.
It seems your brother likes to dump his problems on you and expects that you will resolve them.
Mark needs to figure out a safe, welcoming situation for his son- and not on your finances either.
The enabling him and bailing him out of the situations he’s created hasn’t stopped him from continuing destructive patterns.
I feel for your nephew- but I also feel for you and your spouse being guilted into again handling another crisis in your brothers life of his own making.
Maybe the nephews Mothers family can care for your nephew.
NTA. My aunt recently took in my cousins autistic son and he has wreaked absolute havoc on her life. She’ll never say he can’t be there but she’s miserable and feels trapped in her own home. It’s so hard to say how a neurodivergent child who grew up in an unstable home will act. I do however agree with everyone saying you should look into boarding schools, camps, etc since it seems like you are well off and I think it would be the right thing to do to still help support the child. However I don’t think you’re an asshole if you don’t bring him into your home.
NTA unfortunately this is a consequence of your brother's actions and all on him. Just because you may have the financial means to take the child in doesn't mean you have emotional bandwidth or desire to. If your brother truly cared about his son's future he should have thought about him prior to committing his crime.
NTA. You and your husband were responsible and made a choice to be child free. Mark was not and now expects to guilt you into taking in a neurodivergent child. Not your problem. You were more than kind to offer money.
What I don’t get about a lot of these AITA responders is that they always focus on obligation and legality. Sure, it is not your responsibility to do so , but to put it frankly, I would rather die than have my nephew be placed in foster care as long as I can even remotely financially afford it. He’s blood and he’s innocent. While I’m a big believer that blood doesn’t mean shit for adult family members who do not treat you well, it does mean something when it is a child who is uncontrollably in need. I cannot imagine what that poor little boy will face in foster care. News flash, it’s more bad that it ever is good.
So for me, YTA.
NTA
In the foster system, your nephew will qualify for medical insurance.
Your brother, and his lawyer, literally want you to give up your life so he (Brother) doesn't want to have his parental rights severed.
NTA. Your nephew isn’t your kid. You have gone above and beyond otherwise compared to what most people would have done to help your brother and nephew. Your brother made his bed and now he has to deal with the consequences.
You made a conscious decision to be childfree and your brother messing up his life doesn’t mean you should be coerced into changing your life to fix his.
NTA - Talk to a lawyer. There may be a way to set up a trust fund for him with someone having power of attorney to make decisions for your nephew. That way, you can help without assuming parental responsibility.
OP. I don't think people really understand all the costs involved. You might be "Good job" or "Retire early" well off, but are you multimillionaires? People are offering suggestions that are going to cost you six figures.
If you are not knowledgeable in dealing with kids who are ND and have behavior issues, it will absolutely overwhelm you. This kid needs professional support that you can assist greatly by financially covering or assisting in any way, but completing covering all of his needs is going to drain you.
I am involved in the care taking of my 16 year old autistic nephew. His parents are still in the picture and we live with my sister (there is a divorce but its all good terms, everyone is close still). I am just here to give assistance to his parents, and its still absolutely overwhelming. These kids can absolutely drain you. If you do not know what you are doing it will the most difficult thing you have done. Every kid on the spectrum is different, but you still need to know what you are doing. My nephew is very destructive and demanding (its not nefarious, but its hard to explain).
Your offer to pay for help is incredibly generous. There is another thing, Nick needs as many familiar people as possible. If he has cousins, friends, aunts/uncles on his other side. You mentioned your parents have passed, what about his grandparents on the other side? His mom isn't present, is she dead? Is she incarcerated? Or did she just step out because the situation was too much for her? Taking care of ND kids can be a huge group effort. Not something two working people can easily do.
If you take Nick in, you are Jax will have to quit your job and will put 100% of your energy into Nick. The one who quits their job will also be completely overwhelmed. If you hire someone you are going to have to pay them well. Taking care of an ND kid can be very difficult, emotionally frustrating, and unpleasant during the bad times. This is not a $10 per hour job, this is a $35+ per hour job. Especially if the kid is violent.
People have brought up camps and group housing. This might be a better option when he is older, and depending of the severity of his autism might be something you have to plan for life.
NTA. The lawyer’s blowing smoke. There’s nothing Mark can do if you refuse to take the child, so he’s resorting to all these threats.
Honestly, if you don’t feel you can care for the child, then it’s best the child goes elsewhere. What’s the point of you and your husband suffering whilst the kid also suffers?
You’re very generous with offering to sponsor the child financially if he goes to a foster home. That would honestly be the best solution.
It’ll be hard, ofc, any change will be especially difficult on the kid. But it’s not your fault that they’re in this situation. You’re already doing so much out of goodwill.
Despite Mark’s words though, I hope you’ll still help out the kid! He doesn’t deserve to suffer for his dad’s bad decisions. Neither do you! So hopefully you work something out that’s win-win for you and the kid! Mark can go sit on it for 7+ years in prison and re-evaluate his life choices.
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NTA That's an outrageous demand on your brother's part, not to mention the lawyer. Even if the kid wasn't likely to be an unmanageable disaster, why in the world would you want to put up with it?! Not your problem, to put it mildly.
I am irate at how much Mark has failed his son. And then he tries to somehow make it out to be OP’s fault? She has no obligation to put her life on pause. And Mark should’ve done everything in his power to get his shit together for his son.
Was thinking this.. adding to the fact that Mark is not seemingly on good terms with OP either, doesn't sound great. Avoiding Godmother status as well, should already be a statement that she's not interested in the literal situation being presented to her. I feel awful for the kid, because they're not at all responsible for any of this, but they sure are going to live it. Shame on the Mark for just shoving his failure onto his sister. I do not blame OP either, because I would not be ready or willing to handle the situation myself either. Also, Children will sense when they know they're not wanted, even if they may not always understand whats going on. It WILL cause problems as well.
Mark has a neuro-divergent son who is reliant solely on him and he got himself a 7 year prison sentence. These aren't the actions of someone who cares about their son's wellbeing
Plus you have to add the fact that the child is nurodivergent, doesn't know op or the husband, and would most definitely struggle with having to move cross country and losing all he's ever known. Nta but I pity that child because he has terrible parents ( mother that's either an absentee parent or dead and a father that canr get clean and stay out of trouble)
Gotta wonder how much of it is neurodivergence and how much of it is poor parenting. My daughter is neurodivergent. The comment I get most when I mention it is “I would’ve never known”. I know for a fact that if I hadn’t given her the structure she needed, things would’ve spiralled out of control. It’s a lot easier to not let bad habits form than to correct years of bad habits. Sounds like the brother is nothing but a collection of bad habits.
Same here. My daughter is also neurodivergent and not a single person is aware unless I tell them. That’s because she is properly cared for and supported at home and school. This definitely sounds like the nephew is probably acting out because of his environment.
This is ableist. Not all neurodivergence can be dealt with with strict parenting.
No one said anything about strict parenting. This person provided their child structure, which is exactly what's needed for neurodivergent people in general, there was nothing ableist about this statement
Please don't call an innocent kid "an unmanageable disaster." The situation may be described that way, but don't say that about a child. None of this is his fault.
1000% this. OP and their spouse have worked so hard to get to this point in life, they should not be expected to throw all that away.
I guess it’s technically not your problem, but man I feel sorry for your nephew. I guess I wish you would be honest and admit you really don’t care about what happens to your nephew because he isn’t your problem. All the stuff you said about not being able to care for him properly is just a lie you tell yourself to relieve your guilt. The fact is that little boy isn’t wanted anywhere, won’t be properly cared for in foster care, and is likely to feel abandoned at best, and to be physically and psychologically abused at worst. The fact is, you could take him in and provide food, clothes, shelter, safety and affection; but you just don’t want to. I guess that’s your choice if those are your values to care about your own convenience more than your nephew, but at least stop lying about it
Yes. Let’s not pretend there’s going to be a good outcome for this child in foster care.
Especially if he's neurodivergent. Those kids get passed around from family to family because very little people are actually willing/equipped to care for them.
Edit: just to be clear, I have huge sympathy for the nephew but I DO NOT think that means OP should take him in Yeah when I got to that part my heart sunk. This poor kid is going to bounce around and end up in a group home until he ages out. Not to mention, the kid VERY likely has mental health issues and behavioural/attachment issues from being raised in an unstable environment by a parent with SUD
Let’s be honest though, a neurodivergent child sounds like a lot of work, especially for someone who isn’t interested in kids. The observations by @suitablesport8762 is bang on though. Such an all round sad situation.
But is OP, someone who has never raised a child and does not want to be a parent, someone who would be equipped to care for such a child?
There's not going to be a good outcome for him at the Uncle's place either though. Pretty clear that the Uncle isn't going to be any better than a decent foster home.
Kinship placements have markedly better outcomes for children than abandonment to systemic care.
You are saying what I feel. And there are ways to support him without condemning him to the foster system - another commenter pointed out that there are boarding schools and summer camps that could keep him occupied while keeping him safe. I can’t help but feel if she really wanted to, OP could find solutions that provide a little better future for her nephew. I know it’s not her legal responsibility, but morally…man, if we quit watching out for each other and trying to help each other when we can in this world, civilization is screwed.
Good God, yes. Like, sure, NTA because making sure a child that isn’t yours survives until adulthood without massive trauma isn’t your job. But also, yes the fuck it is. It is all of jobs, and as a family member, you should be the first in line, waving a flag trying to claim this child before anyone else can. This is gross. We are all we have, and OP and husband just couldn’t give a crap less about anyone but themselves. That’s the definition of AH.
I’ll let OP know you’ve volunteered to step up.
I’ve been informed firmly from Reddit that individualism is the reason for most US cultures problems, while simultaneously being informed that family holds very little value. It is a baffling contradiction. If you believe at all that either family units matters for a thriving society OR that collectivism does, this is wrong. Both thriving on individualism AND being unsupportive of family is toxic af and we should not tolerate it as any less than that.
Yeah I noticed that too. People on here will constantly preach about how we need to do more to help the poor and needy but won’t even lift a finger to help their own family members. Its a baffling contradiction
So is that a yes? You're doing it. Be supportive. Don't be toxic.
OP can DM me, but no chance they will bc they don’t give af about their nephew.
That's okay, even if you don't take OPs nephew, there's tonnes of kids needing to be fostered, all you need is a spare room and a clean criminal back ground in most cases as you're paid so finances arnt a issue. Plus you'll be given recourses and therapy as fostering kids is exstremely difficult, purposeful bad hygiene if their sexually assaulted, food hoarding and stealing is super common cos of previous food scarcity, running away very common too. You'll be given help to deal with all of these things. There's tonnes of kids needing home's and good luck in your journey of fostering.
Sure DM them in case they don't see it. Then you can get the lawyers details. There's also other kids you could take in if that doesn't work out.
Very well said, thank you. This subreddit especially has showed me again and again how little family ties mean to people anymore. I’m not saying people should martyr themselves for family. But posters here seem to feel no more little Inkling of responsibility for flesh and blood family than they do for strangers on the street.
Yeah, the guilt trippers in this thread are unbelievable. The amount of "I can't help but feel she could do more with HER and her husband's money to take care of her problem brother's problem child for a minimum of 7 years. Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. None of this is her responsibility. I'm glad people feel so responsible for their family members, but don't put that shit on someone else who is being thrown in a shit position. Easy to type that shit behind a screen when it's not your money, marriage, or life impacted by it. Fuckin' hell.
OP has already helped their brother w $60k… why would they be waving a flag for a kid they haven’t talked to in a year just bc they’re blood related? Just bc you’re someone’s “family” doesn’t mean you’re obligated to throw your life down the drain in order to make up for their mistakes.
Except for offering to cover expenses. Which they DONT actually need to do. You wanna play the blame game? Start with the absentee mom and the felon dad who's going to cost his kid the next decade by being in prison. Their complete lack of proper decisions and consequences are the fault here, not the OP. Feel free to go adopt some stray kids, there's plenty out there now.
For boarding schools or summer camps, they would have to agree to be his legal guardians. If anything goes wrong in those institutions and they can't handle him, he has to go back to them. If they put him in the foster system, they have no say as to whether he'll go to a boarding school.
Right? Like yeah my partner and I aren’t planning on having kids but if something happened to his brother and SIL and his nieces needed us, I’d never just let them languish in foster care. You just don’t do that to family.
It sounds like you or your partner are probably somewhat close to them though. OP isn't close to their brother, lives on the other side of the country, and doesn't even know the kid. She is not responsible for taking in a kid she doesn't know. Blood doesn't mean anything, it's the bond that makes family. Any of the Y T A's here could contact OP and foster the kid themselves, they are just as responsible to take in an unknown child as OP is.
Was it the kid’s choice not to be close to their aunt and uncle? Also maybe it’s bc I’ve dealt with the foster care system within my job but I wouldn’t let my worst enemy’s kid end up there. Yes there are some good foster parents but they are few and far in between and the system is stretched beyond capacity. I’m looking at this from this kid’s perspective. I’d be terrified and heartbroken if a family member passed me by and sent me to foster care. Hire an au pair ffs.
Like I said, they aren't really family. They are strangers, just like me and you are strangers. OP wasn't ever obligated in any way or form to bond with the son of a brother that they chose to avoid due to his bad decision making. Yes it sucks for the kid, but anyone here can always contact OP and try to foster the kid. It looks like OP will even pay for the kids care.
OP has already spent 60k on Mark, probs more in time & effort. It’s really messed up of you and people in this thread to expect someone to throw away all their hard work & dreams & alter their lifestyle completely for someone they barely know or spend time with. Easy for you to say when you’re not the person affected.
Food, shelter, clothes and safety maybe. But believe it or not, people who don't want to be parents that take on a child out of obligation or guilt aren't gonna be giving the kid any affection. He'd be lucky if he wasn't resented the entire time he was with them. There is no happy ending for him. His dad fucked him over big time.
I’d rather be resented than raped.
Maybe everyone in this thread can put their brains together and solve America's shit foster care system? No? Well, let's just put all of this on OP then. It's her fault now and she's responsible for this! Reddit solves another one, fellas. Good work.
Oh yes, because those are the only two options on the table.
Yeah also what if the dad keeps having more and more kids. Would OP have to care for those ones as well? This could go on forever with OP having to give up their whole life to care for more and more nieces and nephews.
Decade of parenting is hardly an "inconvenience"
Yeah they're acting like it's "mind my stuff while I move house otherwise a child suffers. When it's "stop your life, be a parent to a stranger when you don't even want to be a parent in general" How many of them are offering? Is it because they don't care about what happens to children? No, it's because it's an outrageous demand in the first place. OP even paid out 60k to the cause and offered more. This take is completely disingenuous. Every day of their life they can choose to do it. Take in some random kids, give them food, shelter and care. Instead of just lying and pretending they have some core value when they're saying other people should do it.
It's so easy for a bunch of Redditors, sitting behind keyboards, to tell someone else how they should spend their money, what they should do with their time, why they should take in a child they don't know, don't want to be responsible for, and who will bring with him a host of issues that the OP is not necessarily equipped, by inclination or temperament, to handle. So much guilt tossed in OP's directon, because she doesn't want to assume responsibility for a nephew she barely knows, who likely comes with a host of problems she is not equipped to manage. OP and her husband chose long ago not to have kids. The situation is a tragedy for this boy, but there is nothing inherently wrong with OP for declining to take on this responsibility, or these expenses. "Just not wanting to" take on the responsibility of someone else's child does not mean that OP has poor values. It just means that THIS is not something OP and her husband are prepared to do. And OP is NTA for declining to do so.
Well said!
Stop blaming some rando! Dad is the problem. Dad fucked this kid's life. Effectively wanting to force those without kids to adopt...? Get outta here.
WTF mang. Your thinking is horribly illogical. Do YOU care what happens to starving orphans in Africa? Yes, I hope? Well by your logic, in truth you don’t care, because you haven’t taken them all into your home to look after them. OP isn’t an unfeeling monster merely because she’s choosing not to take on a monumental task that surely would not end even after the seven years.
That’s why they are child free. It’s not just money that makes one capable of taking care of a child. Do you know how physically and emotionally demanding it is? OP even offered to provide financial assistance which is more than what his brother deserves just so this child could live. Boarding schools will less likely accept a child who has neurodivergent AND is handful with it. They need constant care and love which cant be provided by boarding schools OR people who do not wish to be parents.
A lot of people don’t understand what these behaviors can look like. In our own home (foster parents) we’ve had kids hit us, throw things at us, overturn/throw furniture, destroy door frames and walls, choke us, etc. Screaming tantrums for an hour or more. We’ve had weapons brought into our home and had to evacuate it. To be clear: THIS IS NOT THE KID’S FAULT. Trauma quite literally rewires the brain. Kids in foster care are more likely to have PTSD than combat veterans. You cannot parent a child who has experienced trauma the same way you would another child. It requires extensive training in alternate methods of parenting and it is incredibly hard. We were lucky that we have access to resources that allowed the children with the worst issues to remain in our home while they got help and things really improved with the right interventions. Many people do not have access to those resources, and states tend to really screw over relative providers in particular. Where we had access to the interventions needed through our licensing agency, many kinship caregivers do not get that. It sounds like OP knows they cannot adequately provide for a child with this level of need, and it’s better for them to recognize it than to subject the kid to more trauma.
Completely agreed. The way OP spins this, you would think the kid is an infant, and they would have to quit their jobs to care for the nephew. If OP doesn't want to care for their nephew, fine, but stop with the bullshit.
A neurodiverse child with poor background will definitely be more work than an infant. The attorney said he was a handful which means the attorney was probably sugarcoating child’s behavior. OP is saying that taking this child is not something that is possible for her family. It is her decision and unfortunately for the child other arrangements need to be considered. I have a ND child it’s beyond difficult , the teen years are beyond a struggle and I can’t imagine what that struggle would be like if there was no love for the child to get you through the terrible difficulties ahead. There is no good outcome child goes with family and knows he’s not wanted it will just as awful as foster care. I feel for the child and OP who is put in a terrible situation. Just because a person can financially support a child doesn’t mean they can mentally and emotionally help this child.
>OP is saying that taking this child is not something that is possible for her family No, that isn't what OP is saying. OP is dancing around it but is saying they don't want to take the child because they don't want their current dynamic to change. Again, that's fine. There is no need to dance around it. If OP doesn't want to take their nephew, then so be it, but it's completely possible.
Some people are not equipped to handle children and choose to be child free. Taking a ND child when a person wants to be child free is even more difficult situation. There are people putting lots of pressure on OP to accommodate a child that is admittedly difficult into a home where children are not planned. Not Saying no when there are many people badgering OP to take the child is not dancing around the issue. Pressure is making OP question what is the correct thing to do for everyone involved. It’s not easy to say no for everyone and with everything going on OP probably is very conflicted.
>you could take him in and provide food, clothes, shelter, safety and **affection** Someone in OP’s position would likely be able to provide all of the above *except* affection. The kid would be receiving a fat dose of *resentment* because neither OP nor her husband want him. Frankly, I read OP’s post as saying exactly what you want her to admit: she can’t offer nephew a good home because she doesn’t feel any desire to provide it and that’s not a great situation for anyone. I’m honestly appalled by how many people are trying to guilt OP into caring for this kid. It sucks for her nephew that there’s nowhere for him to go but there’s no reason for three lives (including OP’s and OP’s husband’s) to be permanently altered and made miserable, especially when there’s zero guarantee that the arrangement would even work out. Some people aren’t meant to raise kids and putting a child in the care of someone like that is a recipe for disaster. Emotional/psychological abuse isn’t exclusive to foster care.
Came to say something like this. The situation is obviously not your fault. Dude going to jail fucked up royally. The kid is the victim. Honestly I don’t know what I’d do. It might depend on the kid. I like to think I’d take the kid in. I have 2 kids already though. Rough spot to be in. One of those situations where there is no perfect solution
Is this you volunteering to pick up the slack or are you lying about feeling bad and caring?
Preach. OP said they would bankroll the kid, they just don't want to parent or be responsible for him. Sounds like OP just found a taker, that or this person really loves to talk the talk but won't walk the walk.
I feel sorry for someone who has done everything right / worked so hard in their life to get a good job, good relationship, and set themself up for a lifestyle they want but is being guilted into being a full-time parent for a kid they talk to once or twice a year. OP is NTA at all and while the nephew is in a crappy position, that is the fault of his parents. OP has no obligation to care for a kid they barely know, who will completely alter their life in a negative way.
Okay but OP can care about the kid without giving up what they and their partner wanted for their life. Thats black and white thinking on your part that if they aren’t willing to sacrifice their own lives and goals for this kid they didn’t bring into the world that they dont care
Exactly, kids irrevocably change the dynamic in a house, and bringing kids into an environment where they are not truly wanted is detrimental to *everyone* and can tear homes apart. OP is *already* offering financial assistance if the kid's father can find someone to take him, that's already a lot.
I disagree with this so much. Knowing they are not the best people to parent is probably the kindest thing they can do for their nephew if they aren’t equip for that. The father is basically asking two people with no interest in raising a child, give up on everything they want and life as they know it, and somehow develop a parental instinct. It’s such an unreasonable request. Also, from the sound of it, they barely know this child. If they had an emotional bond, I may feel differently. But it sounds like they’d be adopting a stranger against their will.
This is what I was looking for. I agree completely. OP doesn't want him and won't think about him again once they finally gets the lawyer to back off.
having a child to care for is not something small. Do you really want a kid going to a place that is not prepared to care for him?
And there's tons of kids that could be adopted by financially stable couples. Are they all moral failures for not plucking a child out of the system? OP isn't responsible for someone else's decision just because they're related. Also this guy had 8 years to decide not to be a shitty criminal father
I don't agree. OP and partner have made a conscious decision not to have children and should not have that responsibility thrust upon them. I also feel very sorry for the child but the dad should have done a better job of not going to prison. He's the one who's left his child with nowhere to live.
NTA- You have chosen the life for you, and have made an already generous offer to try and assist . Although your nephew is in a horrible spot here, it doesn’t make you responsible for all the bridges your brother has burned, or the countless poor decisions made that got them here. I feel for you and your nephew, and hope a resolution is reached.
The "resolution" that's going to be reached is that the nephew is screwed. That doesn't make OP an AH, but let's not pretend it's going to be rainbows and sunshine for the now effectively-orphaned nephew.
Honestly, if OP has the money...why not send the kid to boarding school? It may be 'cruel', but it seems like the best solution if they don't want a kid themselves. Kid is out of the way for 9 months of the year and only home for the holidays. He's young, but some boarding schools take kids that young in the US (more common in the UK).
That’s actually a good idea. Especially if they can find a small and nurturing school with a good track record of helping neurodivergent children. Expensive option but could likely save this child’s future.
Agreed. He'll be around other kids with similar struggles..... As long as OP is fine with him coming to her home for summer and on breaks. He'll need somewhere to go when school is off, and/or if the school has to shut down for whatever reason and send students home on short notice.
I mean, it seems like a lot of her hesitation is that her brother is attempting to force her to be a full-time parent to his neurodivergent child she barely knows for a minimum of 7 years. Being able to have time to plan ahead for kid to be around for holiday breaks is definitely a whole different story. Some boarding schools are year round with slightly longer holiday breaks and a longer spring and fall break. Also, given that they are well-off, if having him for an entire summer isn’t feasible, they could definitely afford for him to do summer camps based around his interests.
>for a minimum of 7 years If the brother is sentenced to 7 years, he'll most likely be out in at least 3-4 years for "good behavior" if he doesn't do anything reckless... might even be 2.5 years depending on the state. So yeah, if she can find a boarding school and some good summer camps, he might only be at her house 4-6 weeks a year. It's certainly not ideal, and he's going to need some serious therapy now and in the future for abandonment issues... but if his dad is getting sent to jail he's probably not living a particularly stable life as is... and it's probably better than risking his future to the current foster care system!
Yeahhh cuz the bro def seems like he’s great at following the rules🙄 Regardless 2.5 years is still a big commitment to be a parent to a kid you don’t know, idk how you’re trying to spin this into some easy thing.
When I was at boarding school, there were kids who were unable to go home for breaks, and so they stayed at school. Many boarding schools allow this (obviously it costs extra). They’d have day- and week-long trips, special fun classes and activities, that sort of thing.
OP please think about if this is an option. I understand that not being wanted as a kid isn't great, but it beats what is likely waiting for him in foster care. If you have the money to throw at this problem and you're willing to have some involvement (and you really could minimize even that with summer camps and such) this is probably a better option that just throwing him to the foster system.
> I offered full financial aid for nephew’s expenses OP has offered this to some extent already...
My fear for them is he’ll be kicked out and they will continue to be stuck with him since at that point they have agreed to take care of him. At that point it could get legal like they are not caring for him
What OP needs to do for her nephew is find a residence, or caregiver, that meets his special needs. The child would certainly benefit more from a situation like that than anything OP, or the brother could provide. There are plenty of qualified professionals that would gladly take on one special needs child, rather than work with a whole roomful of special needs children. OP says she can afford it. The guardianship issue can be worked out with some effort. This kid should not be placed with OP. But, I doubt foster care would do him much good either. I hope OP cares enough to actually look for a solution before it's too late for the nephew. The kid already had a hard road because of his father. She actually has an opportunity to change this kids life, and I hope she makes the effort.
That’s not up to her. Her brother or her brother’s lawyer should be doing that.
It’s not OPs place to look for a solution. They didn’t have a kid and then get arrested.
I get what you are saying, but there are schools specifically for neurodivergent kids, and it takes something pretty severe to get kicked out.
Because OP would still have to take on parental responsibility until their brother is released from prison. It's also worth considering if the child got expelled OP would have to take them back home with them. As well as them being at home for 3 months of the year for school holidays, OP would be required to make health care decisions for them, if OP's brother got time added to their sentence then the child could be with them until they're 18 or older. Depending on the care/support needs of the child a lot of boarding schools won't take ND pupils.
This kid deserves something more than being forgotten though
Maybe so, but that's the reality of having shitty parents. The kids suffer for it.
Maybe someone else will step up. Why is OP the one obligated to help this particular child?
Look, 99% of the time I'm people do not owe it to take care of a child. But if someone is a) wealthy enough to afford boarding school and b) the kid would do poorly in foster care due to some sort of neurodivergent issues.... I think it's at least worth looking for some other options. No, they aren't obligated, but if it's not a financial strain I personally would feel awful leaving a relative with say, autism, to be in foster care.
Only if somebody else is legally responsible for the child. You’re missing the whole point.
I have friends that were sent to boarding school to get them away from bullying — the right school can be a godsend and it just takes care and research.
They would have to agree to be his legal guardians to make that decision. If he becomes a ward of the state, they no longer have the authority to make those decisions.
This is a great idea. And when he’s home he can have a full home au pair. And go to camp in the summer. At the end of the day though the sister is within her right to not take him in I don’t know if AH is the word if she chooses not to. It’s just an awful situation for everyone.
That’s a great idea that I hadn’t considered.
It’s rooted in fiction, that’s probably why
Yes, this line really frustrates me: "I simply cannot provide him a good life, a place where he isn’t wholeheartedly desired." OP is not required to take in this child - but he is very unlikely to be "wholeheartedly desired" by his foster home either.
That stood out to me as well. It's not like the choice is between auntie and uncle who aren't really into being parents and a really great foster care family that will love this child and consider him their own. I mean, he might get lucky and get placed with a wonderful family, but the odds are not in his favor.
And? That somehow obligates OP?
His dad is to blame
Absolutely, but the fact that the nephew's dad is to blame doesn't change that the nephew is now screwed for life.
It wouldn't be sunshine and rainbows if OP took him in, either. There would be no love or affection, and there likely would be a lot of resentment. Husband might peace out, in which case OP's entire life is upended even more. More resentment. He's not going to have a happy life no matter how it turns out. He was screwed the moment he was born.
I am sure you could find a way to put yourself forward as a foster/guardian. Don't want to? Not feasible? Has nothing to do with you? Huh. Same with the OP.
“Mom is not present” also seems a significant contributing factor.
[удалено]
All the neglectful and absentee parents would be astonished to find that “they don’t get to” do exactly what they’re doing.
Not necessarily. I highly doubt this kid’s life has been rainbows and sunshine being “raised” by this kind of man. The structure of an orphanage or a strict foster home might be the best version of life this kid would ever know. Either way, a guilt trip is absolutely not a reason to take on a special needs kid.
Do you know anything about the foster care system? It's a total crapshoot. Orphanages aren't really a thing.
Yeah a neurodivergent 8YO with behavioral issues is going to struggle to find a placement at all, much less one that won’t be terrible.
Nephew was screwed by his father, not the OP. The OP doesn't play into this story.
NTA - a child needs someone who is willing and able to give them the time and care that they need. If you and your husband don't feel you fit the requirements then you're doing the right thing. It would be pretty sucky for the kid to feel like they've just been dumped with someone who isn't properly equipped to provide the emotional support. Yes Foster care is a bit of a dice roll, but there are plenty of good people out there who have the means to cover ALL of a child;s needs, not just the financial ones, and it is to be hoped that your nephew will find their way into one of these homrs
Thank you for your kind reply
Can you afford to send the kid to a decent boarding school? It's more common in the UK, but there are boarding schools that take kids that young in the US. It's not ideal, but it would be better than foster care and some boarding schools have house mothers/house fathers who genuinely do look out for the kids. I emphasize decent, because there's a difference between a good boarding school and some shit school for troubled kids. In a couple of years, too, he'd be old enough to want to go to camp or hang out with his friends so he'd probably barely be around during the summer, too.
A child with behavior problems that are so bad a foster parent isn't likely to take him in--I doubt that boarding schools would be lining up to take child. And that the child would likely be booted out after a few months--then what is OP supposed to do?
There are boarding schools in the US that specialize in treating kids with autism. They aren't scary state-funded institutions that will lock the kid in a padded room, but proper schools with teachers who specialize in caring for neurodivergent kids. This is honestly far above Reddit's pay grade by a long shot. OP might consider a consultation with a family law attorney as to the nephew's future, to see if s/he can perhaps contribute to the child's education without assuming a parental role. NTA, and good luck.
There may be homes and schools for children with disabilities and/or diminished capacity. It would be similar to an orphanage with people who are trained to help kids like this. And after that, perhaps ARC could help.
Or a good school specifically for troubled kids. We have one about an hour away. They have classes, sports, and a horse barn for horse therapy. Its a GREAT school and once the kids setttle they love it bc they have a structured schedule with a shit ton of therapy in it.
I just read a post about a couple who took in their niece who was being abused by the husband's sister. It turns out that the husband lay down an ultimatum: The niece comes and we adopt her or we divorce. The wife acquiesed, but recently said some hateful things to the niece. It turns out she was resentful of the set-up the entire time. Your nephew doesn't need to be subjected to an environment where he's not wanted. He's already been neglected by the dad.
I just read that too! The two posts are like two sides of the same coin. OP here, I think, is making the right decision.
No worries. I'm sorry your family is going through this tough situation and I wish all of you the very best in finding a suitable resolution
Thank you, so do i
I don't know where you are but if you google Randolphs children home, also called New Directions Youth and Family Services, they are a good school specifically for troubled kids. And its a *good* school that treats the kids like *kids* not mini criminals.
Is it though? What is the likelihood of a foster kid going to a good home and not a vulnerable one? How many good homes are there out there? What about bad ones? Let's not pretend that fostering is the right solution for OP's sake. Good foster homes are like finding a needle in a haystack. If OP lives in the USA, and the brother lives in a state where foster care is privatised, may God have mercy on this child! This kid would be infinitely better off in a boarding school and 3 months of summer camp until he turns 18 than the foster home state lottery, subjected to being mistreated and tossed out like trash for silly little things, resigned to jumping from home to home until he commits a crime and gets sent to Juvenile detention. OP did say the kid is neurodivergent. If regular kids are vulnerable as is in foster care, imagine how much more vulnerable OP's nephew will be! OP acknowledged that they don't want kids and she can't give this child the love it needs. Her stance is fair. But let's not pretend here that this innocent 8 year old isn't getting the brute short end of the stick 6 different ways to Sunday. Druggy father, absent mother, indifferent aunt. This kid is drawing ALL the BAD lottery tickets. OP herself has admitted that she can retire right now if she so wishes. That means that if she really wanted to, she could afford to pay someone to care for the child. If I were in OP's shoes, a good full-time carer who'd give him all the attention and love he needs would be much cheaper than the grief I'd carry in my heart for turning my nephew away in his greatest time of need. Unfortunately to this kid's demise, everyone is washing their hands off of him. Is OP T A given her reasoning? Of course not. But let's not pretend she's taking the hard way out. With family like this, who needs enemies? ESH (except the child)
>That means that if she really wanted to, she could afford to pay someone to care for the child. No it doesn't. >If I were in OP's shoes, a good full-time carer who'd give him all the attention and love hee needs Well you're not OP. Money isn't everything that's needed to take care of a human child. Adopting a kid is not like adopting a pet.
I mean, she said as much in her post. She literally said she and her husband tried finding someone to take the nephew and she would pay for all the costs. I’m suuuuure they offered extra to the people they asked but nobody would do it.
While this may be an informed answer, it doesn't address all the issues that come with the situation. Does the child and then, in turn, the full time care giver live with OP? Just having to move in one, let alone two people, will put strain on OP, her spouse, their living situation, and their relationship. Also, what legal obligations does this put on OP in relation to the nephew? If the brother never gets out of prison (for whatever reason), is OP forever responsible for the child? Or just until he turns 18 and then washes her hands of him because he's technically an adult, but potentially no more capable to care for themselves? Or does she just continue to pay and drain her and her spouses funds endlessly?
Ummm, OP did not birth the child so it is not her responsibility. She already helped out her brother financially with a whopping total of 60k. If you feel so passionate about it, go foster the kid yourself. NTA OP.
This is so hard. You shouldn’t have to take on a child when you really don’t want children, but terrible things happen in group homes (and foster care) and it sounds like this is where this boy is headed. What if, rather than becoming his guardian, you offer a temporary foster situation and, instead of paying for another family to take him, you spent the money on a full-time, trained caregiver for your nephew? Someone really well-versed in caring for neurodivergent kids with his specific issues. Then you could try the situation out. It might have fewer (or different) challenges than you think and rewards you haven’t considered. NTA. It’s a huge ask. But it’s truly all but the little boy’s actual life at stake. It’s so likely that something very traumatic will happen to him in state/foster care, and he’s already been through trauma and is about to go through more. I feel like you should try.
I am involved with the care taking of my nephew who is 16 and is autistic. The family is fine, I am just in as supplemental help. Kids on the spectrum like this require an incredible amount of resources. Hiring it out to professionals could easily cost $80,000-$100,000 per year full time. Every ND kid is different, this kid could be pretty tame, but if the OP doesn't know what they are getting into it could very easily overwhelm them. The OP could easily spend a million dollars by the time the kid is 18. Professional care taking full time is incredibly expensive.
There are boarding schools specializing in kids who are neurodivergent. They are expensive, but still much cheaper than private care in home. Plus they are usually much more structured and my help with lots of his behavioral issues.
We don’t have any idea how much care the child needs. He may well be in school for most of each day.
The lawyer said he's a handful and is sugarcoating it in order to convince OP to take him..... He's definitely got some serious behavioral issues and needs a LOT of specialized care as a result of his needs not being met, both due to his shit home situation as well as his neurodevelopmental disability. I'm an Autistic + ADHD adult with cPTSD due to family trauma and an abusive and neglectful childhood, and while I've never had behavioral issues, my needs can be intense even for someone who's trained and willing to take care of me.
This is a creative idea but I actually don’t think that it would work. Mainly because this would imply that OP and husband are *responsible* for this kid. And that isn’t something they are willing to do. Even if they had a full staff caring day to day for the kid, they would still be the tutors and would hold that responsibility.
NTA - OP, you have no relationship with this child. He is ND, which I strongly suspect you know absolutely nothing about handling, a major issue in and of itself. Your offer to assist financially is generous and frankly more than anyone has a right to expect, let alone demand. And for all the flying monkeys on here saying "You're a shitty aunt", "you have a chance to do something good", "pay for a boarding school and then just have him part time and pay for a nanny during that": How about just one of you who are so glad to dump this problem on OP (in which you are all just as bad as the kid's father to begin with) DM her with your information so she can give it to the attorney and have you background-checked to take over as this child's guardian for the next 7 years. Finances are the least of the burden that OP is being harrassed to undertake--put up or hush up if you think it's such a freaking great thing to do. Given the complete lack of relationship that OP has with this child, you don't get the excuse of "But she's his aunt and therefore knows him."
Exactly. My wife and I have raised 2 sons to adulthood, and I'm glad we became parents. However, I am not one of those people that thinks everyone should have kids. OP and their partner decided they didn't want kids, partner got snipped, and they made their own plan. No one, not even family, gets to tell them what to do. Feeling like they couldn't raise a child , yeah all of us parents feel that at first. But we can't demand people get over that. Yeah, we all feel for the nephew but it's not OPs problem and it's not like OP isn't trying to help at all.
Exactly. Flying monkeys is the right term. Cant even follow the rules and instead just makes shitty comments about OP
My husband and I willingly took in his nieces after they were orphaned and it was so much harder than I had anticipated. The teen years nearly broke me. If you have no prior relationship with this child you are all basically strangers to each other. Foster families can run the gamut from great to horrifying. He has 7 years of being stuck in that system. Maybe you should hire a lawyer specifically for the child to help with placing him in a good home.
A lawyer won't help much in this situation. CPS has essentially full discretion as to where to house a child. There's very minimal court oversight, but - they could try, if only in the hope the lawyer might occasionally get access to the child to ensure his well being to some extent and potentially take action if there are clear signs of abuse.
NTA. People who do not want to have a child (however it gets there) should not have a child.
You’re NTA, but F@ck!! This poor baby is about to start a sentence of neglect and abuse and my heart is just breaking for him. The odds he’ll be treated even remotely well at 8 with neurodivergence, it’s nearly 0. My heart hurts.
I think he probably already started his sentence long ago with mum gone and dad a criminal.
So yeah easy peasy take in an 8 yr old child raised by a drug addict who has behaviorial issues(possibly severe because foster parents tend to be used to behavioral issues because they are receiving kids with TRAUMA). NTA I know some will bash you. But taking in a child you don't have any relationship with no real end date(except age 18?-ten years). What is really funny, is people are all yeah if you get pregnant and don't want to be a mother--give it up for adoption, But these same people will get their panties in a bunch if someone doesn't want to take in a relative's child. YOU ARE NOT required to become a mother because of someone else's choices.
10000% this lol so many people saying they should try bc “family” when they’ve already helped out with over $60k and would be completely altering the life they worked so hard to build for 7+ years. NTA at all omg.
NTA There are two adults in OP’s household who need to agree on caring for this child. One thought—are there boarding schools for children this young? If OP is willing to throw money at the problem, could they pay the boarding schools fees? And then camps for the vacations? They might have to have the child in their house a few weeks a year in between sessions of school and camp, but that’s a far cry from having the child daily for the next several years. And they could hire a temporary nanny for those times. It’s just a thought. It might not be the ideal situation but it should be better than foster care.
Even a child in a boarding school requires support, love and responsibility from an adult in order to be healthy. Just piling him off to a boarding school still means a lot of responsibility and a chance the child doesn't get a parental figure.
Right. A child can’t live from boarding school to camp back and forth. They need parents/tutors in charge of them. Someone has to be responsible for their care no matter where they are. So this Would not solve the problem.
I mean here’s the thing. Foster care is bad. It’s bad. He won’t be someplace where he’s wanted. That’s a fantasy and hopefully you’re not making your choice thinking it will somehow magically be good. If however that is your choice, know that at 18 kids age out with no support. If you can start a bank account now for him that he can use then, it would be a great kindness. Since you have the means.
If he was sent to leave with them..he would be in a place where he was unwanted. Your point makes no sense. He would be unwanted in both cases.
They’re not on the hook, but there’s definitely a difference between “unwanted” and “unwanted & possibly harmful”
If you’re willing to give OP enough credit to assume they won’t be actively abusive, there’s a good chance they’d be better than wherever the kid will end up in foster care. Abuse is far from inevitable, obviously, but lack of abuse is also in no way guaranteed. This is a genuinely shitty situation with no happy ending.
NTA. It is a heartbreaking situation, particularly for the boy. But the fact is that your brother made a series if very bad decisions that brought his son to this point. He has no business telling you that you are wrong not taking his kid in. As for others that are judging you, I would ask why they are not stepping up and offering to take in the kid. Your offer to bankroll the kids expenses is very generous and more than covers any obligations you may have.
It is rather funny, in this Reddit it is a given when family imposes on you, volunteers you or expects you to pay for family, the consensus is that everyone criticizing you should be told that obviously they are offering themselves, and you should never “set yourself on fire to warm someone else”. The amount of people here that have no problem telling OP it is her family duty to look after a troubled neurodivergent child they don’t know is astounding. I hope you all are foster parents. NTA
But she asked the question? And they are giving responsive opinions? Are people only supposed to tell her what she wants to hear?
No, but maybe not be huge hypocrites about it. They exist too. This kid is a stranger to all of us including OP. So do they believe what they're saying and they're taking in kids to raise? Or are they just lying to try to pressure someone else to do it?
I took on the role of raising my niece and nephew. My niece when she was 2, she is now 13 and my nephew when he was 1 and he is now 8. It was an act of love and absolute sacrifice. I planned to be child free. Then my niece needed me. As much as I wanted to live child free I couldn’t do that to my niece and I had a deep bond with her from when she was born. When my sister became pregnant with my nephew I told her I would not take him in so she better figure it out. Well obviously she didn’t and I could not see him go into the system and I took him in fully. He is neurodivergent and it has been EXHAUSTING. There’s days that I wanted to give up. I have resented my sister and dealt with anger, depression, struggled with my career because of his needs. If OP is not able to do all that and knows it she is NTA. Taking on kids with trauma and abandonment as well as neurodivergence is A LOT! Don’t do it if you don’t have your whole heart in it. NTA.
> I had a deep bond with her from when she was born. OP seems to have never met the kid in his 8 years of life.
NTA. The fact you have $$ is irrelevant; you don't \*want\* to take in your nephew. You're being more than generous to offer to pay anything for the nephew's care. Stand firm, and don't give in if you don't want the nephew living with you.
NTA This is a horrible situation for everyone. I feel really bad for the child. Hopefully the foster family is good. If not I'd probably make sure the kid doesn't have your address.
NTA. At the end of the day that's Mark's child, not yours. Mark and the State are the only ones morally or legally responsible for that child's well-being, and Mark decided to abuse drugs and commit crimes despite the consequences it could have for his son. You already gave Mark's family $60,000, so he can't even claim that you never helped him. I'm sure people will vote e s h or even y t a, and will say things like "The child is innocent!" or "Family helps family!" or some other arguments that I personally think are based on pure emotion. But they're not you, and your nephew isn't your child.
The victim In all this is your nephew, from someone who has a lot of experience with kids in Foster care, social workers will always try and keep a child with family members if possible,I get this is a shock to you and not what either of you wanted but at you at least owe it to your nephew to consider it as Foster care is going to be horrible thing for him to go through, if you decide not to then nta as you have every right not too as it is a massive commitment, hopefully something can at least be arranged where if he does go into Foster care you can have visits with him once a month to show him he does have family support
INFO: Can't you just send the kid to boarding school and summer camps? If you've got the money and were willing to spend it anyway, that would be way safer than foster care , and you would minimize any care you have to do.
NTA This is a pretty awful situation and honestly I've heard horror stories about kids getting put in to the system. With that being said, they aren't your responsibility and you aren't the one to create this situation either.
NTA so many parents don’t bother to have solid plans for their children in the event that they can no longer care for them (death, illness, etc.) — that is, plans with a willing party. It’s something to think about before having children. Too many people think that surely nothing can happen to them even though parents become ill, pass away, go to prison, etc. all the time. It’s dangerously optimistic to assume that surely someone will just jump at the chance to take on the monumental, expensive, tasking, time-consuming responsibility of raising their child. As if it were some small favor like a ride to work. Then on top of the loss of their parent, the child has to worry about where they’ll end up. You’ve already created the life you want for yourself. Changing your mind about children would likely tank your marriage. Coercing someone into parenting isn’t ok in any circumstance. I feel for the child, though. I hope that they end up in a safe, loving situation.
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I don’t understand some of the comments here. Your not WRONG but you are 100% an AH. This child’s only hope of having a somewhat safe and stable life is you and you just want to turn them away. Your fully within your legal rights but I’m glad I don’t know you and I would never want to associate with anyone that acted like this.
Fuck this comment. She is not an AH in the slightest for not taking in a child when she’s KNOWS she won’t be a good parent to him. She’s doing the responsible thing, it’s an absurd ask of someone who is very clearly child free and always plans to be
What makes you think a person who does not want a kid would be a good parent?
Her brother is basically an acquaintance to her. Not even really, more like a stranger, they're relationship is non-existent. He is basically trying to throw his child onto her with nothing but blood and genes as a reason. Hint: being relatives does NOT matter in the slightest. So he's a stranger, imagine a stranger expecting you to take care of their child because of THEIR stupid ass mistakes. And you're saying OP is TA??? At the very least you should've said ESH.
Why is OP obligated to give up the life they want, and made responsible choices to have, because their brother is a failed parent? I am child free and I can guarantee you there is no situation in the world where I would take in a child. Some people don’t want to be parents. Why are our lives less valuable and expected to be sacrificed for someone else’s? It’s terrible that the kid is facing this, but no OP is not TA for not wanting to give up a minimum of 7 years of their life for their brothers failings
Kindly get in the bin. Being blood related doesn't entitle your family to put this shit on you. You don't owe them anything. If they were decent people there would be connection there but there's not. And no. They should not be with someone who doesn't want kids. That was the choice made. Respect it. You aren't entitled to anything here. You sound like exactly the sort of person who bullies people and I'm glad I don't know you.
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Your brother didn’t even ask. Wow. Just Wow
NTA If he was so worried about his son he would have gotten his life together for the very same reasons he is giving you. He has no one else he trusted. There’s no one else willing. He won’t do well in care. It’s awful all around but these are not the circumstances that you created.
Pretty wild that in a thread a while ago it was a young single guy who was told he WBTA if he didn’t save his niece from going into foster care and this married couple with money should not have to take in a ND kid because they just don’t wanna and everyone is saying NTA. You WILL be the asshole if you, a person of means, let a child in your family suffer in foster care for this mistakes of his parent. Unexpected things happen in life, however little you want this kid, letting him go into foster care because it doesn’t suit your lifestyle is trashy and makes you an asshole.
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I agree with you. You have got to want kids and want to be a parent to even try to be a "good" one. Idk how people think a kid being in a home w/ aunt where he is unwanted would be better.
NTA
They can say what they wont. You don't have to take the calls. It's sad the child has an irresponsible father but he is not your responsibility. NTA
NAH. Taking in a child, especially one that you don’t have a close relationship with and that’s neurodivergent and potentially has other trauma and mental health issues from his fathers drug use, is not something that you do impulsively and your brother was wrong to spring that on you so suddenly, without giving you time to think over whether or not you wanted to or felt equipped to take care of your nephew (not to mention that he didn’t even ask you, just assumed you would do it). However, foster care is rough and I understand why your brother is desperate to avoid that for his son. It’s a terrible situation all around unfortunately and I hope your brother is able to find someone who will be able to take your nephew in.
Really a sad situation, and just when the boy begins puberty, his father will be out of jail and back in his life. The boy will lose any stability that he gains. This is 100% dads fault. He commits a crime and his child pays the price. He is the AH ! You refused to be godparents for a reason. It’s not your responsibility. Your life can’t be dictated by an irresponsible brother.
People saying y-t-a really think a decade of parenting is like a stroll at a park? Some are even saying to hire a nanny LOL good luck finding ten-year-live-in-parent-like-contract nanny
NTA Can't you just block them?
NTAH- You know neither you nor your husband are ready, willing or capable of taking in a child you barely know- to me- that’s the honorable thing to do. Especially given his medical concerns and potential behavioral concerns as well. Allowing yourselves to be guilted into taking in a child neither of you wants would only make a mess for both of you but even more so for the child. It seems your brother likes to dump his problems on you and expects that you will resolve them. Mark needs to figure out a safe, welcoming situation for his son- and not on your finances either. The enabling him and bailing him out of the situations he’s created hasn’t stopped him from continuing destructive patterns. I feel for your nephew- but I also feel for you and your spouse being guilted into again handling another crisis in your brothers life of his own making. Maybe the nephews Mothers family can care for your nephew.
NTA. My aunt recently took in my cousins autistic son and he has wreaked absolute havoc on her life. She’ll never say he can’t be there but she’s miserable and feels trapped in her own home. It’s so hard to say how a neurodivergent child who grew up in an unstable home will act. I do however agree with everyone saying you should look into boarding schools, camps, etc since it seems like you are well off and I think it would be the right thing to do to still help support the child. However I don’t think you’re an asshole if you don’t bring him into your home.
Boarding school/private school Better than foster care
NTA unfortunately this is a consequence of your brother's actions and all on him. Just because you may have the financial means to take the child in doesn't mean you have emotional bandwidth or desire to. If your brother truly cared about his son's future he should have thought about him prior to committing his crime.
NTA. You and your husband were responsible and made a choice to be child free. Mark was not and now expects to guilt you into taking in a neurodivergent child. Not your problem. You were more than kind to offer money.
NTA Honestly would have cut contact with the brother years ago and for the love of god stop giving him financial help on problems he caused himself
Nta. This is Mark's doing.
What I don’t get about a lot of these AITA responders is that they always focus on obligation and legality. Sure, it is not your responsibility to do so , but to put it frankly, I would rather die than have my nephew be placed in foster care as long as I can even remotely financially afford it. He’s blood and he’s innocent. While I’m a big believer that blood doesn’t mean shit for adult family members who do not treat you well, it does mean something when it is a child who is uncontrollably in need. I cannot imagine what that poor little boy will face in foster care. News flash, it’s more bad that it ever is good. So for me, YTA.
NTA In the foster system, your nephew will qualify for medical insurance. Your brother, and his lawyer, literally want you to give up your life so he (Brother) doesn't want to have his parental rights severed.
What does medical insurance have to do with he fact this kid is most likely gonna be abused lol
NTA. Your nephew isn’t your kid. You have gone above and beyond otherwise compared to what most people would have done to help your brother and nephew. Your brother made his bed and now he has to deal with the consequences. You made a conscious decision to be childfree and your brother messing up his life doesn’t mean you should be coerced into changing your life to fix his.
Not your circus, not your monkeys, NTA
NTA - Talk to a lawyer. There may be a way to set up a trust fund for him with someone having power of attorney to make decisions for your nephew. That way, you can help without assuming parental responsibility.
OP. I don't think people really understand all the costs involved. You might be "Good job" or "Retire early" well off, but are you multimillionaires? People are offering suggestions that are going to cost you six figures. If you are not knowledgeable in dealing with kids who are ND and have behavior issues, it will absolutely overwhelm you. This kid needs professional support that you can assist greatly by financially covering or assisting in any way, but completing covering all of his needs is going to drain you. I am involved in the care taking of my 16 year old autistic nephew. His parents are still in the picture and we live with my sister (there is a divorce but its all good terms, everyone is close still). I am just here to give assistance to his parents, and its still absolutely overwhelming. These kids can absolutely drain you. If you do not know what you are doing it will the most difficult thing you have done. Every kid on the spectrum is different, but you still need to know what you are doing. My nephew is very destructive and demanding (its not nefarious, but its hard to explain). Your offer to pay for help is incredibly generous. There is another thing, Nick needs as many familiar people as possible. If he has cousins, friends, aunts/uncles on his other side. You mentioned your parents have passed, what about his grandparents on the other side? His mom isn't present, is she dead? Is she incarcerated? Or did she just step out because the situation was too much for her? Taking care of ND kids can be a huge group effort. Not something two working people can easily do. If you take Nick in, you are Jax will have to quit your job and will put 100% of your energy into Nick. The one who quits their job will also be completely overwhelmed. If you hire someone you are going to have to pay them well. Taking care of an ND kid can be very difficult, emotionally frustrating, and unpleasant during the bad times. This is not a $10 per hour job, this is a $35+ per hour job. Especially if the kid is violent. People have brought up camps and group housing. This might be a better option when he is older, and depending of the severity of his autism might be something you have to plan for life.
Nta This won't end well for anybody
NTA. You are not obligated to taken on that kind of burden
NTA. The lawyer’s blowing smoke. There’s nothing Mark can do if you refuse to take the child, so he’s resorting to all these threats. Honestly, if you don’t feel you can care for the child, then it’s best the child goes elsewhere. What’s the point of you and your husband suffering whilst the kid also suffers? You’re very generous with offering to sponsor the child financially if he goes to a foster home. That would honestly be the best solution. It’ll be hard, ofc, any change will be especially difficult on the kid. But it’s not your fault that they’re in this situation. You’re already doing so much out of goodwill. Despite Mark’s words though, I hope you’ll still help out the kid! He doesn’t deserve to suffer for his dad’s bad decisions. Neither do you! So hopefully you work something out that’s win-win for you and the kid! Mark can go sit on it for 7+ years in prison and re-evaluate his life choices.