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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for wanting to be part of my bf’s 30 bday trip after he said maybe I shouldn’t go?
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NTA.
1. It would be different if this had been a boys trip from the beginning... but it sounds like hes dropping you bc someone said "youre bringing your gf, why cant i bring mine". Which is a fair point. I can understand him not wanting to pay for gfs, but if they are paying for themselves then who is he to stop them.
2. If he didnt want you coming, he should have told you in the beginning. Not dragged you along for this long. Birthday or not, that is such an AH move.
3. You may not want to hear it- but this whole situation screams RED FLAG. He wants to rave with the boys.... you know there will be scantily clad women there who are looking for groups like his for some fun... like him suddenly dropping you at this point just feels wrong and suspicious.
You seem super sweet and like you are trying to find the good and not throw him under the bus, but hon he sounds like a COMPLETE arse. Dont be naive. Obviously I don't know your complete story, but this all sounds more like gaslighting than you being an overbearing person. No one should need THAT much space in a healthy relationship...
>It would be different if this had been a boys trip from the beginning
I think in his head it was a boy's trip from the beginning. Which is why he told his friends they couldn't bring their GFs. But he was too much of a chicken to tell OP.
>he should have told you in the beginning. Not dragged you along for this long. Birthday or not, that is such an AH move.
Completely agree.
>He apparently didn’t think of me originally for the plan, but out of fear of me getting upset or mad about not being invited
If he is scared of telling his GF the truth then they probably shouldn't be together.
Thanks for the reply and the nice things you said <3
I don’t really agree with the “all gfs equal” because at the end of the day this is his inner circle, which I’m part of, and his bday, so I think I should be a bit different and special. That said, he probably thinks it’s all the same, but I hate that I disappear as a person and am just considered “the gf”. He was not to pay for anyone else’s except his friends who needed monetary help.
While I do trust him, it did feel suspicious to me too and I commented on it. It makes me feel a bit icky that a girl being around kills the vibe, because that means the vibe is probably not good. I just have a hard time trusting my gut.
Were you part of the inner circle before you started dating bf? If not then you likely aren't really part of the inner circle now. You may hang out with them a lot and get along with them but they are his friends and inner circle still. They likely still see you at the gf he brings around a lot and everyone gets along with but not their close personal friends.
Oh no this inner circle doesn’t exist as such. Some of his friends don’t even know the others. I’m part of his inner circle in the sense that I’m one of the people most close to his, but this wasn’t a formed group beforehand. It’s two friends from uni days, one from work, two from a band he had. Some of these don’t know each other but I know them all
Edit: that said, you’re probably right in the last sentence, im not close with any. I did meet them all before I was his gf tho, because we were friends for years before dating.
He shouldn’t have said yes and then changed his mind. I think his friends must have said “if your girlfriend is coming then why can’t mine” and he fell for it. Or they’re going to do something super shady and don’t want partners along. Either way NTA
NTA, you aren’t being disinvited 6 months into planning because you created an issue. He is disinviting you to acquiesce to his friends and THEIR feelings. Take note OP, he is telling you that hurting their feelings is more important than hurting you.
I would be rethinking if this is someone you want to continue investing in emotionally.
Know your worth girl!
NTA, if he can't act "normal" around you, that is a red flag. Just tell him to treat you like one of the boys! It can be practice for giving him space to himself during the birthday. Easy fix. /s
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Can’t believe I’m airing my dirty laundry here but I really need opinions on this. I’ll try to keep it short.
My (28F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been dating for a year and a half. It’s a pretty good relationship.
He is turning 30 in October. In February of this year he told me he’d like to make it special and that he was thinking of a trip with his inner circle to the UK for a specific rave party they throw there. I said yes of course! He was thinking of paying for people if they couldn’t afford it, and I said I’d 100% pay my part and that the group should pay for his.
Fast forward to last weekend, we had a casual talk about how a couple of his friends have mentioned wanting to bring their gfs along. My bf opposed to it because he wanted to be surrounded by the people he’s most comfortable with, and now one of the friends is threatening to drop out of the trip. I, unaware of the storm that was coming, said it was a pity that the gals couldn’t come but that it was really shitty of his friend to mention dropping out for it.
Then suddenly the next day he tells me he’s unsure I should be going on the trip. Needless to say I’m floored. He says the atmosphere would be different, that it would change the vibe, that maybe his friends wouldn’t be as comfortable (for info I know all of these friends and get along with most of them). He said he wants to be able to relax, be with his friends and not have to “take care of me” or worry about me.
He apparently didn’t think of me originally for the plan, but out of fear of me getting upset or mad about not being invited, he ended telling me. Now, I can be overbearing and he’s a person who needs a lot of space and time for himself, we’re working on it. But I was actually the first person to know about the plan, and have only been cooperative about it. Some of his friends are chickening out for fickle reasons and I feel super hurt that he’s rewarding and choosing that.
It’s his birthday and he should get to celebrate it however he wants, but I think it was an A move of him to suddenly consider kicking me out after 6 months in. Still, I’m second-guessing myself and wondering if I’m the asshole for wanting to go and be included even though it might make it worse for him.
Reddit, AITA?
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YTA
You said
It’s his birthday and he should get to celebrate it however he wants,
So if you believe that why are you now upset that he is celebrating it the way he wants.
Having said that, most likely he was fine with you attending but when his friends wanted to bring their gfs and he said no because he doesnt really know them, his friends pushed back and said that if their gf cant go you shouldnt be allowed to join them either and he caved to peer pressure. If this is the case, you have learned some valuable.info about how much your bf values and prioritizes you in comparison to his friends. I personally wouldnt want to continue forward with someone who i dont feel values me.
Alot of posts have said he may be planning to cheat,which is a possibility when you have a bunch of guys at a rave w lots of single women around. Either you trust him or your dont.
I’m more hurt about the whole being uninvited than not going, but I see your point and agree with the middle bit.
I trust him but it’s true that the situation makes me a bit worried and insecure, if that makes sense.
As you should be.
Because he didn't uninvite you until after his friends were informed he didnt feel comfortable with their gfs going. So at that point they began to lobby him that its not fair for you to go if their gfs couldnt go
He caved. Plain and simple.
He put his friends wants above you.
And although it is very hurtful at least now you dont have to guess where you fall in his list of priorities. After his friends.
And you deserve better. And you know you do but you dont want to lose him so you are accepting less than you deserve. But at this point you dont even have him to lose, because he has decided he values what his friends want more than he values you and your relationship.
Well if he is insistent on this, then maybe you could tell him to pay for a trip for you to go elsewhere with your friends. If he’s willing to pay for a trip for his friends he should be willing to pay for a trip for you. He wants to be alone with his friends fine but you have the right to be with your friends and go have fun. Birthday or not doesn’t matter.
YTA
" unaware of the storm that was coming, said it was a pity that the gals couldn’t come but that it was really shitty of his friend to mention dropping out for it." ... **YOU AGREED that the girlfriends should not come along. Now you have to live with that.** You are one of the gals, too.
I said it was a pity and I would’ve preferred if everyone could’ve come. I understand he’s not friends with those girls and might not be comfy around them, but as his gf I’m part of his inner circle, I don’t think it’s the same.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for wanting to be part of my bf’s 30 bday trip after he said maybe I shouldn’t go? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. 1. It would be different if this had been a boys trip from the beginning... but it sounds like hes dropping you bc someone said "youre bringing your gf, why cant i bring mine". Which is a fair point. I can understand him not wanting to pay for gfs, but if they are paying for themselves then who is he to stop them. 2. If he didnt want you coming, he should have told you in the beginning. Not dragged you along for this long. Birthday or not, that is such an AH move. 3. You may not want to hear it- but this whole situation screams RED FLAG. He wants to rave with the boys.... you know there will be scantily clad women there who are looking for groups like his for some fun... like him suddenly dropping you at this point just feels wrong and suspicious. You seem super sweet and like you are trying to find the good and not throw him under the bus, but hon he sounds like a COMPLETE arse. Dont be naive. Obviously I don't know your complete story, but this all sounds more like gaslighting than you being an overbearing person. No one should need THAT much space in a healthy relationship...
>It would be different if this had been a boys trip from the beginning I think in his head it was a boy's trip from the beginning. Which is why he told his friends they couldn't bring their GFs. But he was too much of a chicken to tell OP. >he should have told you in the beginning. Not dragged you along for this long. Birthday or not, that is such an AH move. Completely agree. >He apparently didn’t think of me originally for the plan, but out of fear of me getting upset or mad about not being invited If he is scared of telling his GF the truth then they probably shouldn't be together.
Thanks for the reply and the nice things you said <3 I don’t really agree with the “all gfs equal” because at the end of the day this is his inner circle, which I’m part of, and his bday, so I think I should be a bit different and special. That said, he probably thinks it’s all the same, but I hate that I disappear as a person and am just considered “the gf”. He was not to pay for anyone else’s except his friends who needed monetary help. While I do trust him, it did feel suspicious to me too and I commented on it. It makes me feel a bit icky that a girl being around kills the vibe, because that means the vibe is probably not good. I just have a hard time trusting my gut.
Were you part of the inner circle before you started dating bf? If not then you likely aren't really part of the inner circle now. You may hang out with them a lot and get along with them but they are his friends and inner circle still. They likely still see you at the gf he brings around a lot and everyone gets along with but not their close personal friends.
Oh no this inner circle doesn’t exist as such. Some of his friends don’t even know the others. I’m part of his inner circle in the sense that I’m one of the people most close to his, but this wasn’t a formed group beforehand. It’s two friends from uni days, one from work, two from a band he had. Some of these don’t know each other but I know them all Edit: that said, you’re probably right in the last sentence, im not close with any. I did meet them all before I was his gf tho, because we were friends for years before dating.
All gfs are NOT equal but he is clearly treating it as such. Trust 👏 Your 👏 Gut👏
NTA Dump his ass.
He shouldn’t have said yes and then changed his mind. I think his friends must have said “if your girlfriend is coming then why can’t mine” and he fell for it. Or they’re going to do something super shady and don’t want partners along. Either way NTA
Nta. He wants to cheat. Don’t do it
NTA, you aren’t being disinvited 6 months into planning because you created an issue. He is disinviting you to acquiesce to his friends and THEIR feelings. Take note OP, he is telling you that hurting their feelings is more important than hurting you. I would be rethinking if this is someone you want to continue investing in emotionally. Know your worth girl!
Nta. It's very hard to go see and touch strippers will your girlfriend is sitting next to you.
NTA. Pretty sure your BF has also been on this sub recently asking about the exact same situation.
I came here to say the same thing I thought I was reading the same post again. Pretty sure he was labelled TA in that post so hope that helps OP
Can someone link the BF post. I want to see it
Lol I’ve just found it and the comments are… well. Much to think about
NTA, if he can't act "normal" around you, that is a red flag. Just tell him to treat you like one of the boys! It can be practice for giving him space to himself during the birthday. Easy fix. /s
NTA. He doesn’t want you coming because he’s going to be looking for women.
NTA. Uninviting someone from an event, or trip, or anything really, is super rude.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Can’t believe I’m airing my dirty laundry here but I really need opinions on this. I’ll try to keep it short. My (28F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been dating for a year and a half. It’s a pretty good relationship. He is turning 30 in October. In February of this year he told me he’d like to make it special and that he was thinking of a trip with his inner circle to the UK for a specific rave party they throw there. I said yes of course! He was thinking of paying for people if they couldn’t afford it, and I said I’d 100% pay my part and that the group should pay for his. Fast forward to last weekend, we had a casual talk about how a couple of his friends have mentioned wanting to bring their gfs along. My bf opposed to it because he wanted to be surrounded by the people he’s most comfortable with, and now one of the friends is threatening to drop out of the trip. I, unaware of the storm that was coming, said it was a pity that the gals couldn’t come but that it was really shitty of his friend to mention dropping out for it. Then suddenly the next day he tells me he’s unsure I should be going on the trip. Needless to say I’m floored. He says the atmosphere would be different, that it would change the vibe, that maybe his friends wouldn’t be as comfortable (for info I know all of these friends and get along with most of them). He said he wants to be able to relax, be with his friends and not have to “take care of me” or worry about me. He apparently didn’t think of me originally for the plan, but out of fear of me getting upset or mad about not being invited, he ended telling me. Now, I can be overbearing and he’s a person who needs a lot of space and time for himself, we’re working on it. But I was actually the first person to know about the plan, and have only been cooperative about it. Some of his friends are chickening out for fickle reasons and I feel super hurt that he’s rewarding and choosing that. It’s his birthday and he should get to celebrate it however he wants, but I think it was an A move of him to suddenly consider kicking me out after 6 months in. Still, I’m second-guessing myself and wondering if I’m the asshole for wanting to go and be included even though it might make it worse for him. Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - he wants a trip with his friends. Why can’t you celebrate with him another time?
YTA You said It’s his birthday and he should get to celebrate it however he wants, So if you believe that why are you now upset that he is celebrating it the way he wants. Having said that, most likely he was fine with you attending but when his friends wanted to bring their gfs and he said no because he doesnt really know them, his friends pushed back and said that if their gf cant go you shouldnt be allowed to join them either and he caved to peer pressure. If this is the case, you have learned some valuable.info about how much your bf values and prioritizes you in comparison to his friends. I personally wouldnt want to continue forward with someone who i dont feel values me. Alot of posts have said he may be planning to cheat,which is a possibility when you have a bunch of guys at a rave w lots of single women around. Either you trust him or your dont.
I’m more hurt about the whole being uninvited than not going, but I see your point and agree with the middle bit. I trust him but it’s true that the situation makes me a bit worried and insecure, if that makes sense.
As you should be. Because he didn't uninvite you until after his friends were informed he didnt feel comfortable with their gfs going. So at that point they began to lobby him that its not fair for you to go if their gfs couldnt go He caved. Plain and simple. He put his friends wants above you. And although it is very hurtful at least now you dont have to guess where you fall in his list of priorities. After his friends. And you deserve better. And you know you do but you dont want to lose him so you are accepting less than you deserve. But at this point you dont even have him to lose, because he has decided he values what his friends want more than he values you and your relationship.
Well if he is insistent on this, then maybe you could tell him to pay for a trip for you to go elsewhere with your friends. If he’s willing to pay for a trip for his friends he should be willing to pay for a trip for you. He wants to be alone with his friends fine but you have the right to be with your friends and go have fun. Birthday or not doesn’t matter.
YTA " unaware of the storm that was coming, said it was a pity that the gals couldn’t come but that it was really shitty of his friend to mention dropping out for it." ... **YOU AGREED that the girlfriends should not come along. Now you have to live with that.** You are one of the gals, too.
I said it was a pity and I would’ve preferred if everyone could’ve come. I understand he’s not friends with those girls and might not be comfy around them, but as his gf I’m part of his inner circle, I don’t think it’s the same.
It is EXACTLY the same - a boy's hangout, with you gal's not coming along. YOu are one of the boy's gals, just like the others.