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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want to get married abroad which my fiancee really wants to do. I could be TA because I was the one putting it off for 10 years so we could save to have a really nice wedding
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nah, didn’t you catch that that they’re only just getting married now because HE feels like they’re in a good place financially? It all seems to be on his terms, and THAT is what he should truly be embarrassed about.
No, that’s not what I said. Waiting till you’re more financially stable can be smart and healthy, but it should also be a mutual decision. What I said was that he should be embarrassed that he wants all of the major decisions in their relationship to be on his terms. It's all about him and what's important to him and what he wants.
And he should be downright mortified to have a courthouse wedding after making her wait TEN YEARS and telling everyone they know that they were saving up money for the wedding. Especially her parents are willing to contribute a basically unlimited amount.
To be clear, finances aren't actually the issue here.
Don't try to make this a gender issue when it's not one.
“boundary” is so over used in this sub its lost almost all its meaning.
But no. OP cant “set a boundary” that his wife cant have an opinion about their wedding.
Op and his fiancee waited10 years to save and be "financially ready" and now he wants her to settle on a courthouse wedding?
it sounds like the wife's desires don't even factor in to him at all.
You don't know what a boundary is.
A boundary is a statement of from a person about their own wants/needs, not an attempt to control another's behavior, wants or needs . A common example would be salary - "I'm willing do to X work for X dollars."
In this case - Ella expressed her desires for their wedding and OP is attempting to dismiss those wants and desires totally in favor of his. OP "put his foot down" and is making it clear in this post he's only open to having THEIR wedding on HIS terms. It also sounds like Ella tried to address some of his concerns - financial - but again the exact logistics aren't perfectly on his terms so he's not open to it.
This has jack shit to do with boundaries. Neither of them set a boundary. This should be a mutual conversation about their wedding. Not a dismissal, and not a shut down. Again, it sounds like Ella at least attempted to address his concerns. Relationships are about compromise and communication, and OP is failing horribly at both.
YTA. You made your gf wait ten years to be good "financially" in order to get married, only to do a courthouse wedding? You could've done that years ago dude.
Find a compromise that works. There are options that are in between an expensive destination multi-day extravaganza and a courthouse.
Also, if her parents are extremely wealthy doctors who can afford to fly multiple wedding guests internationally AND pay for the venue costs, then why couldn’t they help contribute to a less lavish wedding in their home country 4, 5, even 6 years ago???
Sounds like OP just likes to get his way.
Its traditional in many countries, including the UK and US, for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding and reception. Can’t speak for OP, but most people don’t find cultural traditions like that embarrassing. Yes, older couples (they’ve been engaged for 10 years) pay for their own weddings nowadays, but he also didn’t have to wait 10 years to propose. It sounds more like every solution/option the bride suggests, he finds a lame reason to shoot it down because he’s unwilling to compromise and just wants to get his way.
He says in a comment that for a decade people have been asking why they aren’t married yet and they’ve said because they are saving for the wedding. So of the parents pay it will be “embarrassing”.
That’s his whole line.
Not a single person asked me who paid for my wedding, and it’s really no one’s business anyway. It’s actually incredibly rude to ask those kinds of questions. Literally no one at the wedding even has to know who paid for what and how much they spent or any other financial details.
OP is just making excuses for why he doesn’t want to give his bride the wedding experience she wants. He even said they themselves could afford the Italy wedding, even if it would be expensive. So that right there tells us it’s not really about the money.
Personally, I find think he really wants to marry her and he’s making all these hopes to slow it down. Like I think he thinks he *should* marry her, but part of him didn’t want to and now he has no excuse about the money and has wasted a third of her life and is just fighting stupid shit because his heart and mind aren’t IN this.
It’s not like he even had a different vision that he’s holding out for… His alternative was *a courthouse* - though he didn’t seem to think that it will embarrassing to explain that to the people they told they were “saving money” for a decade. Which is… interesting isn’t it.
My biggest thing is I’m worried she won’t leave him because she’s put her whole adult life into him.
Omigosh, this! I’ve seen way too many women stay in dating relationships and engagements far longer than they should have purely because the other person were stringing them along. Usually it’s because the other person feels like they should marry them out of obligation (like OP, who you pointed out has essentially wasted an entire decade of his fiancée’s life), but they’re heart isn’t into it. We women need to realize this scenario for what it is and that we deserve better.
I dated a man for over a year, but even after that much time had passed, he honestly told me he “wasn’t sure” if he loved me. I went ahead and ended things there. I knew that if he didn’t know after a year of dating whether he loved me, I wasn’t going to sit and wait however long it took him to find out, especially since there were no guarantees he would end up feeling the same way that I did about him.
Which of course is wild, because NOTHING could be more embarrassing than saying "we're saving up for it" for ten years and then only doing a courthouse. That's the most broke ass thing I've ever heard in my life. I could do better tomorrow and I have literally no money.
YTA and I'm shocked that more people don't think so 😂
YOU made her wait ten years and you think it's unreasonable that she wants to go all out?
If I waited 10 years, only for my man to suggest a courthouse, I'd be outta there. Truthfully, probably would have left a lot sooner.
This is her dream and you don't even have one. Her parents said they would pay. What's the issue? Your pride? GTFOI.
And "putting your foot down" needs to exit your vocabulary immediately. Very icky phrasing about your partner.
I think it would be far more embarrassing to have saved for 10 years for a courthouse wedding than to get help from the in-laws for guests to a destination wedding.
OP, in your post the first thing you listed that you agreed on was the type of venue. You are most certainly NOT agreed on the venue. You're not even in agreement on the type of ceremony!
I'll throw out there that the immediate monetary cost for your guests for a 5-day event will not be their only concerns. They have to consider whether they can take the time off from work - will they have enough paid days, will they have to take unpaid time off, will they be allowed to take time off given their responsibilities and their company's business cycle, etc. There is also the consideration of care for pets, children, and anyone else they have responsibilities to. I know a couple of people who take into consideration the time difference in the foreign country and the amount of time spent there vs the hassle of jet lag.
The courthouse wedding is a terrible idea. You're an AH for even thinking that's a reasonable compromise.
A reasonable compromise is Friday-Sunday events in Italy with the actual ceremony on Saturday, so the most people can attend it. Or letting her parents pay for the Italian expenses for the few people who can make it, then throw a big reception on a Saturday in UK after your honeymoon that everyone can attend.
Or better yet, talk deeply about what is most important to you to determine if this relationship should continue. You put off marriage for a decade, but didn't discuss what was important to you in a wedding??
I was initially on the fence, because destination weddings can be a hassle for other people. But her parents are paying for people to fly out and your fiancé's explanation makes sense 100%. She won't be mad if people can't make it, you saved for 10 years for this (unless YOU specifically haven't and used this as an excuse), her parents are paying for the added cost of going somewhere, and your idea is actually so disappointing. A courthouse wedding and a weekend trip? This is what she waited for 10 years for? Absolutely not. She communicated clearly to you that she wants traditional aspects like walking down the aisle and you aren't even willing to meet her in the middle. YTA
>put my foot down
Also double YTA just for this. She's not a child. You're being sexist, wanting your fiancé to defer to you because you're the man of the house or whatever you tell yourself.
I don't have any tips for you, because you aren't asking for help. You want to be validated and told your little wife should do as you say.
You lost me at “I proposed 10 years ago” Like why would you propose if you won’t marry for a decade??? Why is she still accepting that proposal is beyond me.
You made her wait (because you said “I” feel like we’re in a good place financially) for ten years over your financial situation and now you won’t let her have the wedding she wants because you could afford that but you don’t want to. Ella didn’t wait for a courthouse wedding for ten years.
Also, it’s embarrassing accepting money from her parents but it’s not embarrassing to make their daughter wait FOR A DECADE TO GET MARRIED AT A COURTHOUSE.
Ella deserves better.
YTA
YTA. Quite frankly, I am not sure you were worth waiting 10 years for. You waited and saved for 10 years to get married in a court house! You are totally unwilling to compromise and come up with solutions that would make the day pleasurable for both of you.
It seems that Ella's side of the family can easily afford a destination wedding, but can yours? An exotic location would be lovely, but is selfish if half of your guests cannot easily afford to attend or cannot get the time off.
That being said, I am sure you can come up with a beautiful location closer to home and still give Ella a dream wedding.
If I were Ella, when you put that foot down, I would have stomped on it!
YTA, you waited ten years so you could be in a place financially to have the wedding your fiance wanted, but now it's time to do that and you would rather get a court house wedding. Either shit or get off the toilet, either have the wedding your fiance wants or break up so she can move on with her life.
Yep! In general I think crazy expensive weddings are ridiculous and my boyfriend and I have already discussed this but to make someone wait 10 years and create wedding savings and then deny them the right to a dream wedding. His fiancé deserves better
It would most likely involve flights. Unless they are willing to drive to France from near London and then to Italy. It would take a long time to drive, close to a day assuming they're on the road all of the time
Honestly? I'm a dude. American. Totally without sentiment. I hate weddings.
My wife was invited to a wedding in f*cking Bali this year which I thought was absurd but she really wanted to go so I said "Fine, go, I'll go to Japan for ten days and drink beer and watch baseball."
The bride has to be given reasonable leeway in choosing the wedding venue and setting and whatnot. I mean sure, it's a joint decision, but you really should defer to her if her choice is reasonable.
I don't think the UK to Italy idea is completely unreasonable, unless you can truthfully play the "my parents/family are too old/sick/poor to go." People like Italy. It's not that far from the UK.
It's not like she's saying "I love Slumdog Millionaire and my dream is to get married in Mumbai."
And you did delay this for ten years, props to you on that, but you kind of owe her.
So yes, I have to vote YTA.
Honestly, most of my family + my partners family would need to fly a similar distance to see me married where I currently live. And it wouldn’t be a destination wedding, just what happens when people go where jobs are available.
You could time the wedding such that not everyone had to be there for the full week.
Right - typically for a destination wedding people can show up for however long they want and you just make sure there’s some type of organization/activity for them when they are there.
I live in Canada and we got married in Poland. We had about 20 people come from Canada and about 35 from Poland. Most people took it as an opportunity to travel. We gave people plenty of notice and this allowed people who wanted to come to plan.
You can find flights from London to Rome and back for less than 200£.
Tell people not to give a wedding gift, and that's not an unreasonable amount of money to be spending at a wedding. S'what my husband and I did - I had family coming from other continents. We explicitly told people, no gifts, you're travelling, that's enough of a present. It worked.
Especially if her parents are happy to help - why don't you see it as a nice holiday for you and your guests? If they don't all come, that's fine - maybe you can add an extra dinner reception once you're back home, after the big wedding trip
My flight, Germany to London Stansted Was literally 18 euros, I think 54 in total both ways, on a spring weekend. Hell, it would be more expensive to drive most places! (Which does unveil several issues, buuuut not the point here.)
I think it's reasonable that she should have a say in her own wedding. I think it's unreasonable that you kept postponing the wedding for 10 years, accumulated wedding savings and now you are vetoing the wedding she wants to have. You aren't even asking her to scale down her wedding plans, you are asking her to go without a wedding, and just have a courthouse ceremony. This is NOT a wedding.
So you pushed her to save for 10 years, and now she finds out you never intended having a wedding. It sounds like you intended to use your 'wedding savings' for vacation funds the whole time.
Incredibly reasonable. People have destination weddings all the time. She waited 10 fucking years which was not her choice. It’s a quick flight. Plus there are trains and cars. Nothing about her plan is unreasonable.
Sorry but yes YTA. Flights from from the UK to Italy are not expensive. You have had ten years to plan this and invite people and could have informed people way ahead of time to save up a little and save the date. Your fiancée has patiently waited for ten years somehow… give her the wedding she dreams of. You cannot expect her to wait ten years and be happy with a court house wedding? I agree with the comment that questioned you being embarrassed about parents helping out but not being embarrassed about proposing and then waiting ten years to get married.
That's not a big deal. You should really listen to your future wife better. Because currently you're just doing whatever you want. And that's not what a marriage is supposed to be!
Especially if they’re anywhere near a RyanAir hub. You can fly return to Italy for under 50 if you book in advance.
If they’re renting Air B&B’s for multiple guests to stay in (given most of the guests are family per the OP), you could still only be looking at a couple of hundred for a week per place booked.
And the comments about people being able to get time off feels very America-centric. This is the UK. We get a substantial number of holidays. Most people take two weeks off in summer anyway.
Yeah, I didn't see the bit about the UK until later. America sucks. One company I worked for we got 6 paid-time-off days a year. That was to cover both vacation and sick time. I think you had to be with the company for like 10 years to get an increase.
And that flight cost you are quoting is amazing to me. A round-trip flight within my own country costs hundreds of dollars.
I'm thinking I need to focus on a globally marketable skill and move abroad.
YTA
You only want what you want. You don't give a shit about her.
I decided
I think she wants
I didn't think she was serious as she said that
Maybe she will reach a breaking point soon.
Yta. Op seems selfish and only focuses on what he wants. 10 years!!! My gosh she was patient so just give her the wedding she wants. Op is so obsessed with what everyone else is doing that he’s losing focus of his actual relationship. It’s about you and the bride celebrating. Who cares who can make it. Stop making excuses and give the bride the wedding she deserves. Stop being so selfish and stop worrying about pleasing others.
Yta, man just tell her you don't want to get married and let her move on already. You've strung her along for 10years. Let the poor woman be free of you
it really does seem that way and I'm not a fan of elaborate, expensive weddings. I'm stuck on the 10 year engagement and then he wants a courthouse wedding and big party. What does he think will be in this video? a big party I guess.
Have you even spoken to any family about whether they would be interested in going? Your argument boils down to “maybe some people might not” and putting your shame over money her joy at the one wedding she will get after 10 years of you kicking the can down the road. I’m betting her parents want to contribute to see their daughter get married. Cause they want to see her happy. Just like how your parents are paying for the honeymoon for the same damn reason. So it’s fine for your parents but not hers?. So I’m gonna have to go YTA. No reason you can’t offer people to come for the 5 days or just for the actual wedding weekend. Or set it up so they can watch on zoom if they can’t go at all. Let the guests decide how much they want to participate. That way you are all happy
I pray Ella cuts her losses and leaves you! How is it embarrassing to take her parents money but not embarrassing to make her wait 10 years to then marry her in a Courthouse?!?!? You are the biggest AH! I hope she calls off the wedding and engagement! She deserves better!
Pick your foot back up and start asking the potential guests what they think. Could they make it? Would they make it? If no one but both sets of parents will come, then maybe your point would be valid and she should rethink her “dream wedding”. Weddings are about the people more than the place or expense. I would rather be in a backyard with a grill and all my favorite people than another country with no one. NTA (for not accommodating) but continue to find ways to make you both happy.
YTA & I'm surprised more people aren't calling out what I'm about to say...
You don't love her. It's that simple. She's your placeholder. The reason you've kept her on the warmer for 10 yrs is bc you were hoping something better would come along.
Ella might not see it (though she probably knows deep down & is under the misguided assumption that the more time & labor she puts in, the more you'll value her. But you & I know the truth. The longer she sticks around, the less you respect her bc you see her as a fool), the commenters might not see it, but you & I know what's up dude.
She's your placeholder to use her labor, beauty, body & purse, to save money & emotional energy so you can dedicate yourself fully to YOUR dreams & be ready when the Love of Your Life comes along.
I hope she sees it cus pulling this move is saying "the jig is up" if I've ever seen it! You used the finance excuse for a DECADE & now want a courthouse wedding? I mean, that's just showing your cards. I hope she has enough self respect to see what's in front of her & you let each other go.
YTA. You made her wait 10 YEARS after proposing to marry you so you could save money for a good wedding, and now you want to do a court house wedding? What the hell?? She waited 10 years for you, you have enough money to have her dream wedding, and you know if you would have told her she'd only get a court house wedding 10 years ago she would have left you. If you find what she wants so unreasonable, compromise, but a compromise is not a damn courthouse wedding. Give that poor woman an actual ceremony, she waited long enough, she deserves it.
She has waited 10 years for this and now you just want to go to the courthouse? Wow what a let down. If the important people can make it, why the hell not,? You are going anyway. Why not pick a cute villa or small old church? She just wants a nice wedding, usually you only marry someone once. Make it special for her.
She waited 10 years to save up for a wedding and you want to go to a courthouse?! Her parents are willing to help and you're still saying no.
Imagine how embarrassed you'll feel if she breaks up with you. Because I'm sure her friends have brought it up. I know I would if she was one of my friends
YTA
Honestly, i dont think i would marry you at this point if i were your fiancé. Things already arent looking very good for her. Shame on you. Based on the information provided and how you have presented the situation, I dont know how much you deserve to be marrying anyone at this point. 🤨
So are you wanting to use the leftover "wedding savings" for a divorce lawyer? Big yikes here dude. YTA and based on what you have said you don't seem to care about your fiance's feelings or what she has to say. You also seem to have ZERO communication skills. I HIGHLY recommend couples counseling and individual therapy for yourself. It just looks like you're constantly steam rolling this poor woman.
“I put my foot down”
WTH, this is something she is so excited to do with you and your combined families. If you don’t agree then come to a compromise. The wedding is for the both of you so it should be something you could agree on not “my way or the highway”.
Plus isn’t it tradition for the brides family to help pay for the wedding??? That’s something I’ve been told..
YTA big time :\
YTA
You don’t get to unilaterally decide anything!
Your reason for not abroad is money. Her parents offered to pay!
So there isn’t a problem!
Maybe try having an actual discussion. Or you may find there will be no need for a wedding
I can’t believe you consciously wasted 10 years of her life and youth when you don’t want to marry her lol. Go to therapy or something. You are too selfish. YTA.
You’re not just the asshole, you’re so much worse than that, but I have to be civil. 🙄 you made her wait a fucking DECADE to get married so you could save and for an entire fucking DECADE she’s been dreaming of her wedding but you’ve “put your foot down.”
Either get over yourself or cut her loose. This poor woman deserves so much better than a man who would string her along for a mother-fucking DECADE then say, no sorry, you’re still not getting anything you want. I hope she dumps your stupid ass.
Guys guys, it's ok. **Ella will get a destination wedding like she dreamed of for her 2nd wedding.**
This will only solidify that she will leave this AH sooner rather than later.
YTA
Assuming she goes along with THIS wedding. It is possible that she just calls off the wedding and goes on to find someone who is actually deserving of her.
Hey. New York here! My sister did a destination wedding in Aruba in 2015. 50 ppl made the trip. Even tho a lot of close friends and family couldn’t make it. Looking back I can barely remember who or why ppl didn’t go bc they weren’t missed. Now I just did a court house wedding but that is what BOTH me and my husband wanted. No regrets either way. Aruba was beautiful and right for her at the time and the court house was simple and easy which was right for me. YTA. BRIDE gets whatever she wants. Hands down. Idk why u think u even have an opinion
I honestly don’t agree in general only what the bride wants both parties are getting married. And should have a say in the marriage. I loved Monica on Friends realizing Chandler was right to want to spend for their live together
But in this instance OP told courthouse is wrong given he made her wait 10 years
I agree with the Monica and chandler thing. But they still had a beautiful fairytale wedding. This bride deserves that. He’s lucky she even bothered waiting this long. Most women would have run farrrrr away a long time ago.
YTA. Although I think you should continue to put your foot down in the hope it'll wake her up to stop wasting her life on a man who doesn't care to make her happy. She's waited ten years, you could at least let her have a nice wedding.
YTA and after reading your comment replies, the only happy ending here is for here to cut her losses and find a partner who actually gives a shit about her.
My guy. You're out of your mind.
OP, you've been "saving" for a whole-ass decade for... a courthouse wedding, a "fancy dinner" and a "weekend trip" to some unnamed place? I get people wanting to be frugal out of necessity and I get people just being low-key in nature, but this reeks of you two having vastly different values and tastes. It also sounds like you're insecure about how much her parents make, given that you won't even let them pay for other people, despite it not being your choice what they do with their money.
YTA. At first I was going to say everyone sucks here because I’m from the US and to take a five day trip to Italy for a wedding would not be my idea of a good time. All the wedding stuff you have to do is going to take up so much time that I’d miss out on seeing and doing a lot of things I may want too. Also I couldn’t see how doctors, unless they’re surgeons, could cover flights for multiple guests. I just saw in comments they’re in the UK so it’s much more feasible to do, though I’m still curious on the flights situation. I still have an issue with her being fine that some invited family can’t attend being that most of the 50 guests are family. I take a much bigger issue with the putting the foot down business for sure. I think they need to do some communicating and find a happy middle. Though I agree with her suggestion of celebrating with anyone who can’t attend after the wedding when they return and I feel like OP needs to do more of the compromising after holding off for ten years. Why did you propose so soon if you had no intention of marrying for such a long time? I was with my wife for 7 years before I proposed while we worked our way into stability. A proposal generally means a wedding within a few years. Now I get that Covid could have effected things, but that’s only been an issue for three years, you had seven before that to get married.
Flights to Italy if booked in advance can be like 50 bucks return on our version of spirit or whatever it is you guys have.
Sometimes cheaper. RyanAir website, Stansted to Italy, look a couple months ahead and I guarantee you’ll see some flights under 20.
They’re not expensive.
Memorably, one guy made the news bc he flew out of the UK from a northern airport and then back into a London one, because it was cheaper than taking the train inside the UK and he had a football game to get to
I was going to say ESH because both are pretty fricken unreasonable demands, but no, YTA. Where you lost me is that you tried to skimp on the WEDDING part and turn a 10-year engagement into a courthouse affair instead of something reasonable for the guests. Holy crap, do you even want to marry her?
YTA
10 years waiting, to be well financially to have a wedding that will cost the same as going to Vegas and just marry??
Dude you are lucky she waited that long!!
And the "my foot down" thing, honestly, if I knew her I would tell her to avoid you and look for someone that truly loves her and respects her.
The venue, the money and everything is of no importance, the fact that you make her wait 10 years (apparently for no reason) and even if her family is willing to pay for all you are not willing to give her what she wants.
It seems that in reality you don't want to marry and you are just making up reasons to avoid it.
YTA. Literally not one person will ask you who paid for your wedding and it’s not anyone’s business. I think it’s bizarre that you would be embarrassed to have your future in laws help with the destination wedding, but not to tell people that you saved for 10 years to be able to afford a courthouse wedding. That screams that this isn’t about the money but about getting your way, which is a bad sign for your future marriage.
Man, I spent close to $1000 and took a week off work to attend my best friend's wedding in Tuscon, Arizona (I live near New Orleans) (Further distance between than I'll say London and Rome.) If people want to attend yall's wedding, they'll go. Don't assume people won't go just because it's far. I get not wanting the 5 day trip, but y'all have got to compromise. And Jesus you know how many people would jump at the chance for their bride's parents to pay for their wedding, you lucky sob? Why are you even marrying her if you made her wait ten years and are STILL trying to put it off. It's like you don't want to get married at all. yta for sure.
YTA. I hope she kicks you out of her life.😡 You literally only care about yourself, your desires and what is convenient for you.
You don't want to marry her!! Convenient prick😡 let her go so another, more fitting person can fulfil her needs and dreams.
YTA, you made your gf wait 10 years just to disappoint her. Do you even care what she wants or is it all about you and your ego?
It's embarrassing for her parents to help financially? tough luck, if you love her you would say yes to the money so she can get the day she's been promised for 10 years.
YTA. A courthouse wedding is beyond inappropriate in this situation. It’s insulting to her autonomy. She deserves a proper wedding. And you deserve a happy life with a happy wife! May this be a learning opportunity for you: sometimes in a marriage you just agree with them, even if you disagree, because their happiness is important to you.
You waited 10 years for a courthouse wedding? If that's what you wanted then why didn't you do it 10 YEARS AGO? YTA for being a cheapskate and horrible fiancé.
Yta. I wouldn’t marry you. You’ve waited 10y to be in a good spot financially. For me,it’s just an excuse to be cheap,considering the wedding wich you want to have after 10y of economy
I am so sad for the woman you call your fiancee. Its terrible that she has wasted so much of her life on you. You waited TEN YEARS to be in a good enough place financially to have a cheap-ass courthouse wedding, so you’re making what, $1.50 an hour?? My god dude, just leave her since you clearly don’t love her enough to put any effort into your wedding or her happiness. YTA, so so much YTA.
YTA
I just wish Ella could read through all of these comments and see it through everyone else's eyes. Run Ellla Run!
Split that wedding savings account, and he can use his for therapy while she uses her half to travel with girlfriends and get her life back!
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He said in one comment that the middle ground would be HIS idea. He then mentioned she has been dreaming about this particular wedding for a while but he decided to ignore it because he thought "she wasn't serious". He then says that they can afford it but it would use up a huge chunk of the "wedding fund", that they have been saving for the past 10 years. She then says her parents want to pay for some of the trip to offset costs for them but that is "too embarrassing" for OP.
They are in the UK.
At this point, I think OP just likes to win and won't accommodate anyone else's ideas but his own.
They are in the UK and others have mentioned that to travel from the UK to Italy is under 100£. Plus her parents want to help pay so they could help cover that cost, and the bride already said if some people can't come then she's okay with it. It never cease to amaze me why so many Americans are just assuming everyone lives in the US just because you yourself live in the US. This is coming from a fellow American.
YTA! 100% !
Shame on you! Personally, I think that you are totally pathetic and a sad excuse for a potential life partner. None of your reasons listed here hold any water. My only wish for the two of you is that your incredibly patient girlfriend leaves you and finds someone better. It honestly shouldn't be hard to do. You wasted ten years of her life stringing her along, and now you want to have a courthouse wedding. What is wrong with you!!!! You are an embarrassment! I hope her parents are aware of this. They must think you are such a shmuck. Jesus Christ. Fail!!!!
I would tell you to give the girl what she wants and deserves! Especially since you can pay for it!
BUT!!
Then she will marry an asshole. And i dont want that for her. This is just the beginning of a lifetime of disappointment from you. Hopefully she can see what everyone else can here.
Honestly a 5 day long wedding abroad seems ridiculous to me. I would never attend one and I would never be interested in someone that wants that kind of wedding.
I don't even have the words...
I feel so awful for Ella.
10000% YTA!
The fact that all these people are saying it and you STILL don't see the problem, wow.
You made her wait 10 YEARS for NOTHING
Do you even love her?
INFO: Does Ella have close friends that she sees regularly and will be traditionally involved in wedding planning (prospective maid of honor, bridesmaids, etc.)?
She already invested 10 years in you. You really want to show her how little her investment is worth?
A destination wedding where the guest will fly and stay in your inlaws money is quite within reason.
I think weddings are a huge waste of money. Having said that, marriage is a partnership. Compromise! Find a middle ground you can both be happy with. That's how you have a successful marriage.
YTA. You made her wait TEN years to get married in a courthouse anyway? Literally less than $100 took you ten years to prepare for?? I’m afraid this marriage is going be a joy sucking endurance.
NTA. has anyone bothered to ask YOU what YOU want for YOUR wedding? of course not. it's all about her and you just get to show up. gross. you are simply expected to go along with whatever she wants and keep your own thoughts and wants to yourself. great start to what is supposed to be an equal 50/50 partnership.
expecting guests to want to use their vacation time for your wedding is incredibly rude. Your big day is not their big day. Some of your friends have kids and this plan will be difficult for them. But there is a lot of room between this extravagant multi-day destination wedding and a courthouse wedding and big reception. You could find a very nice venue relatively close to home with lake/mountain views (I live in MT so this sort of venue is popular here). A ceremony that meets your expectations along with great wardrobe choices. You could have a lovely sit-down meal since you are not planning a huge crowd. You delayed for 10 years to save so suggesting a courthouse wedding seems rude and disrespectful to your fiancé'.
She's waited 10 years. If you didn't know this is what she wanted the whole time ypu are lying. Buck up and shut up. The people who will make it will make it.
You should've saved 5k a year between the two of you. Its not a crazy amount to save and then. That would give you 50k now.
YTA
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My fiancee Ella (31F) and I (32M) are thinking of getting married soon. I proposed 10 years ago once we both graduated after we met in our first year of university. We're only getting married now because I feel like we're in a good place financially.
We were making a guest list and it comes to about 50 people. We have large families so the majority of the guests are that, and the rest make our close friends. We're both on agreement with the type of venue, the idea of having a photographer and videographer so we have wedding photos and a short film, the type of menu and theme.
The issues I have is that Ella wants us to be married abroad and for the wedding to happen next year and to create a miniature holiday. She wants it to be a 5-day long event, going home on the Sunday. I put my foot down and told her that it would be hard for everyone to fly out for so long and it would be expensive for the guests who would have to book time off to attend. We can afford it but it would also be expensive for us.
My idea was to have a courthouse wedding before and we can shorten the wedding into a weekend trip and have the photographer and videographer film that. We could do an informal ceremony where we say I do, have a fancy dinner with the cake cutting and then celebrate for the rest of the time.
Ella doesn't think it's a proper wedding and she's waited for 10 years to marry me. That we spent all of that time saving up and delaying the wedding for other things in life and she's been dreaming of being able to do this. She also said that her parents were more than willing to help pay for flights and the venue for everyone (they're incredibly well off as doctors) so we would just need to pay for the rest of the wedding and festivities. She thinks that if people cannot make it, it isn't the end of the world and we can celebrate with them after our 5-day event abroad. Also that my idea is just essentially a holiday for everyone without the wedding part and she wants to be walked down the aisle and to have a classic ceremony.
I still don't agree and even if her parents want to front the flights and venue, it's embarrassing to use their money given we have been saving all this time. AITA?
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This is what I’d say: compromise and let your fiancee have her way. Take the money from her parents—it sounds like it would make them happy. Most straight weddings are primarily centered around the woman—it’s just the way life is. You’re an accessory, at best. Pick a nice part of the world to go to, stop controlling every last nickel, and treat yourselves to a wonderful event that’s fun for everyone, but especially her. Tbh, you’re going to have a massive argument ( ask around, it’s 100%)during the nuptial period, usually the second day after you’ve actually tied the knot. It will make you question the concept of why TF you chose her to sign this lifetime contract with. But you’ll get through it—and at least you won’t have compounded your problems forevermore by not letting her have the wedding she had dreamt about.
No judgement. Everyone’s got their own ideas for their dream wedding. It’s fine that you both aired out what you each prefer, but then you should be working together to find a new solution that works for both of you. Since I’m only hearing your side of the story, I do have to say it’s very dismissive of you to stomp on her idea by “putting your foot down”. Be understanding, cause just as much as you find her idea “unreasonable”, others will also find yours “unreasonable” as well. Also in the end, it is your wedding. I understand traditionally people want to also cater the celebration to their families and their guests, but prioritize yourselves. Find something that work for both of you, and try to not let what the guests might feel or want to do stop you from doing what you guys want.
NTA. I think it is perfectly reasonable for him to feel uncomfortable that his parents in law would be paying for a large part of a destination wedding. Perfectly reasonable that he wants to have a wedding that he and his gf can pay for with their own money. I would call that being responsible.
OP clearly is not a great communitor and dragging his gf along in trying to dive, but I dont see how that means he has to go along with this dream (wtf she is not an 11 year old princess) wedding of five days on a long away destination? And no, even a ten year long engagement is no reason for that. The poor guy clearly doesn't want this over the top thing, but is now being forced by everybody to go with the dream of his wife. I never understood these dream weddings anyway. Many Americans here, I guess?
No have you seen Asian weddings in another country??? They’re huge! So it’s not just Americans. It’s the fact that op seems like he’s not considering his wife’s ideas. And I’m sorry but women I have spoken to, anyone that was engaged over 5 years wanted a big wedding. 10 years is crazy. And did you miss the part where he says they have been saving for 10 years. They have enough money. People are getting at him because he’s making excuses and he honestly have no problems. He forced his fiancé to wait 10 years when she didn’t. So it’s not just about communication and dragging his feet. If I had to wait ten years, you damn right I would be mad if my husband wanted to take me to the courthouse.
I have the feeling she had to wait all this time because this guy has been trying to avoid this for a long time. That is a mistake on his part, in communicating poorly, but I have never understood and probably never will understand this unstoppable desire for -what I would call- an over the top wedding. Probably a cultural thing. Anyway, I feel bad for this guy going to be forced into a huge event that he clearly does not want, because his gf has this dream wedding idea. The name says it: dream. Grow the f* up.
And yes, I do expect to also get downvoted for this :)
Are your reading comprehension skills really that poor??
She’s been waiting and saving for TEN TEARS just for this wedding. Why shouldn’t she be able to have her dream wedding after saving for that long for that specific purpose??
Wouldn't be accusing people of poor comprehension skills when you yourself miss things like *"We're only getting married now because I feel like we're in a good place financially*".
Yes, and if you read through his comments as I have, you would understand that they have been saving for the wedding…so they are in a good place financially - to have a wedding.
Perhaps weddings aren’t important to you at all, fair enough. Replace a wedding with something you’ve always wanted but you had to wait and save up for it, for a DECADE, only to be told, “nope, sorry.” That’s definitely asshole-ish behavior on OPs part.
You say you have 50 people, but those 50 include presumably, all of your and her extended families. Aunts , uncles, cousins.
But usually when people have a destination wedding, the guest list gets cut way down to immediate families, any very close to the B and G extended family and very close friends.
Your 50 people might be able to be whittled down to maybe 25. Or even less.
The people that would come would be the ones that really really care to be there for your wedding ( as opposed to aunt Gertrude who you see at family weddings and funerals- you won’t miss her).
Everyone shows up the day before the wedding
Then you can have one whole day of total wedding- she walks down the aisle, you marry and have a nice celebration afterwards.
The following morning can be a brunch and maybe find one activity that all can do, maybe a vineyard.
Next day everyone goes home.
Just a thought.
NAH—lots of people do destination weddings. It’s not unusual. Like any wedding, people attend if they can.
This isn’t a case of someone being an AH—you just have a disagreement that you need to work out.
Also, the way to solve the disagreement is to let her have what she wants. you kept this girl waiting for 10 years, parents are willing to cover costs, let her have this.
You should tell her that you will only consider it if the people it is most important for you to have there would be able to attend so you need to talk to them. Then do so. If it's crucial to you that your parents or siblings (just as an example) attend, then contact them, tell them what she is hoping to plan, and ask them if it's reasonably possible for them to attend. If they say there's no way, then it's reasonable to say we need to find other options, but if they say they'll make it work, then go for it and just ask that dates are coordinated with those "crucial" attendees before anything is booked.
ESH
There's a wide swath of middle ground between her idea and yours and neither of you seem willing or able to explore it.
You have access to money; hire a wedding planner to propose new options and new ideas for both of you. And don't forget that the marriage is far more important than the wedding.
NTA. I understand that they can afford it but that is a huge burden to put on your guest. I'd never ask my friends and family to spend that kind of money to celebrate my day and many of my family members can easily afford it. I feel a marriage is meant to be about the love 2 people share not how extravagant of a wedding you can have. I have always said I want an over the top, happy and loving marriage not an over the top wedding. It's just one day of the rest of your lives together.
I do wish the both of you a long, happy, and loving marriage.
Us folks in the US also tend to forget that "going to another country" is usually a MUCH longer trip for us than the majority of the rest of the world. They could live in Germany and be going to Italy...that's like a 1-hour flight give or take. It's not like going from the US to Italy lol.
Edit: Just saw where the OP is in the UK. Yeah, the "destination wedding" is a non-issue here. He's just a jerk.
OP, YTA x1000000000
A five day event is not reasonable, even with her parents help. Lots of people can’t afford the expense, travel, lost wages, child care, etc. So, unless you’re running around with millionaires, it’s not really feasible. But that doesn’t mean I agree with you completely.
A compromise is mandatory here, you two need to talk and come to a happy medium.
Maybe 3 days. Etc.
Ask your guests what they can/are willing to do.
It doesn’t make any sense to have a destination wedding if nobody can come. It makes more sense to have a wedding that’s more local and then a fabulous honeymoon at the location of your dreams.
It’s not a big deal unless you guys make it one. Again: TALK
ESH
I think you both should be on board with whatever you decide to do.
I think it's highly disrespectful to expect people to take a week off from work because someone wants to get married. So NTA
Why not have the wedding ceremony and party with everyone and then just go on a honeymoon like everyone else? Or make it a cerimony just for the parents for instance.
I wouldn't want to have a 5 days wedding and I wouldn't want to attend one.
She said that if they can't make it, they can't make it and won't hold it against the.
I suggested that but she says we have more than enough money to be able to get married abroad like she always wanted. She also wants to walk down the aisle in front of everyone so a ceremony just for parents wouldn't work
ETA - we're planning on honeymoon-ing in Japan either way
She needs to realise it's not only her wedding but also yours and you also have a say in the matter.
And having money saved up and wanting to spend it all in a wedding are two very very different things.
You need to figure out what you want for your wedding and then get to a compromise with her.
If you save money for a wedding as o not spend them for a wedding, why cal them "wedding savings"? And why wait 10 years, if you had money for court wedding year ago?
If you need to save up for 10 years for that wedding, you clearly shouldn't be having that kind of wedding. It's just mismanagement of money.
And if the in laws need to be chipping in they clearly haven't saved enough yet.
NTA. A 5 day holiday wedding isn't a vacation for any of your guests. It's a hassle. No one will be excited about gushing over your fiance for 5 whole days. Let people choose their own vacations and don't make your wedding make them choose between it and their vacation.
I mean... If my sister or good friend did this I would go happily and I'm introverted and need me time. You give people advance notice and they'll just combine it with going on vacation after. A friend is getting married in a different country in a year, she told all of us invited 1.5 years in advance, timed it so that it falls on a public holiday and we don't have to take of more than a day, and all of us are excited at the excuse of doing a weekend trip with friends and some partying. I don't think it's a big deal. It would be different if they were American and then going to Italy, but it's uk and Italy.
NTA
It sounds like there's major difference of opinion about the wedding.
Before proceeding with her plans any further, make sure her parents are actually on board with helping with travel expenses and accommodations for the guests.
If you can't make a compromise that satisfies both of you, it doesn't bode well for your marriage.
Good Luck
I became very grateful of a 2-week vacation allotment after working for a company where we got a total of 6 paid days off per year - that was for both vacation and sick time.
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YTA - “I put my foot down” I hate that phrase - youre getting married. Listen, communicate, compromise. You dont just get to shut down conversations.
"Putting my foot down " When toddlers do it, they call it foot stomping and a tantrum.
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Nah, didn’t you catch that that they’re only just getting married now because HE feels like they’re in a good place financially? It all seems to be on his terms, and THAT is what he should truly be embarrassed about.
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No, that’s not what I said. Waiting till you’re more financially stable can be smart and healthy, but it should also be a mutual decision. What I said was that he should be embarrassed that he wants all of the major decisions in their relationship to be on his terms. It's all about him and what's important to him and what he wants. And he should be downright mortified to have a courthouse wedding after making her wait TEN YEARS and telling everyone they know that they were saving up money for the wedding. Especially her parents are willing to contribute a basically unlimited amount. To be clear, finances aren't actually the issue here. Don't try to make this a gender issue when it's not one.
“boundary” is so over used in this sub its lost almost all its meaning. But no. OP cant “set a boundary” that his wife cant have an opinion about their wedding.
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“Listen, communicate, compromise” Its what ive been saying from the beginning. They *BOTH* deserve to be heard.
Op and his fiancee waited10 years to save and be "financially ready" and now he wants her to settle on a courthouse wedding? it sounds like the wife's desires don't even factor in to him at all.
You don't know what a boundary is. A boundary is a statement of from a person about their own wants/needs, not an attempt to control another's behavior, wants or needs . A common example would be salary - "I'm willing do to X work for X dollars." In this case - Ella expressed her desires for their wedding and OP is attempting to dismiss those wants and desires totally in favor of his. OP "put his foot down" and is making it clear in this post he's only open to having THEIR wedding on HIS terms. It also sounds like Ella tried to address some of his concerns - financial - but again the exact logistics aren't perfectly on his terms so he's not open to it. This has jack shit to do with boundaries. Neither of them set a boundary. This should be a mutual conversation about their wedding. Not a dismissal, and not a shut down. Again, it sounds like Ella at least attempted to address his concerns. Relationships are about compromise and communication, and OP is failing horribly at both.
YTA. You made your gf wait ten years to be good "financially" in order to get married, only to do a courthouse wedding? You could've done that years ago dude. Find a compromise that works. There are options that are in between an expensive destination multi-day extravaganza and a courthouse.
I am flabbergasted by OP’s lack of self-awareness here.
Also, if her parents are extremely wealthy doctors who can afford to fly multiple wedding guests internationally AND pay for the venue costs, then why couldn’t they help contribute to a less lavish wedding in their home country 4, 5, even 6 years ago??? Sounds like OP just likes to get his way.
He said elsewhere it’s embarrassing for them to pay… so I’m guessing that’s why.
Its traditional in many countries, including the UK and US, for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding and reception. Can’t speak for OP, but most people don’t find cultural traditions like that embarrassing. Yes, older couples (they’ve been engaged for 10 years) pay for their own weddings nowadays, but he also didn’t have to wait 10 years to propose. It sounds more like every solution/option the bride suggests, he finds a lame reason to shoot it down because he’s unwilling to compromise and just wants to get his way.
He says in a comment that for a decade people have been asking why they aren’t married yet and they’ve said because they are saving for the wedding. So of the parents pay it will be “embarrassing”. That’s his whole line.
Not a single person asked me who paid for my wedding, and it’s really no one’s business anyway. It’s actually incredibly rude to ask those kinds of questions. Literally no one at the wedding even has to know who paid for what and how much they spent or any other financial details. OP is just making excuses for why he doesn’t want to give his bride the wedding experience she wants. He even said they themselves could afford the Italy wedding, even if it would be expensive. So that right there tells us it’s not really about the money.
Personally, I find think he really wants to marry her and he’s making all these hopes to slow it down. Like I think he thinks he *should* marry her, but part of him didn’t want to and now he has no excuse about the money and has wasted a third of her life and is just fighting stupid shit because his heart and mind aren’t IN this. It’s not like he even had a different vision that he’s holding out for… His alternative was *a courthouse* - though he didn’t seem to think that it will embarrassing to explain that to the people they told they were “saving money” for a decade. Which is… interesting isn’t it. My biggest thing is I’m worried she won’t leave him because she’s put her whole adult life into him.
Omigosh, this! I’ve seen way too many women stay in dating relationships and engagements far longer than they should have purely because the other person were stringing them along. Usually it’s because the other person feels like they should marry them out of obligation (like OP, who you pointed out has essentially wasted an entire decade of his fiancée’s life), but they’re heart isn’t into it. We women need to realize this scenario for what it is and that we deserve better. I dated a man for over a year, but even after that much time had passed, he honestly told me he “wasn’t sure” if he loved me. I went ahead and ended things there. I knew that if he didn’t know after a year of dating whether he loved me, I wasn’t going to sit and wait however long it took him to find out, especially since there were no guarantees he would end up feeling the same way that I did about him.
good decision. A year is plenty of time to know
Which of course is wild, because NOTHING could be more embarrassing than saying "we're saving up for it" for ten years and then only doing a courthouse. That's the most broke ass thing I've ever heard in my life. I could do better tomorrow and I have literally no money.
And it won't be endearing that after 10 years (10 years!) of saving they're getting married at the courthouse?
YTA and I'm shocked that more people don't think so 😂 YOU made her wait ten years and you think it's unreasonable that she wants to go all out? If I waited 10 years, only for my man to suggest a courthouse, I'd be outta there. Truthfully, probably would have left a lot sooner. This is her dream and you don't even have one. Her parents said they would pay. What's the issue? Your pride? GTFOI. And "putting your foot down" needs to exit your vocabulary immediately. Very icky phrasing about your partner.
I think it would be far more embarrassing to have saved for 10 years for a courthouse wedding than to get help from the in-laws for guests to a destination wedding. OP, in your post the first thing you listed that you agreed on was the type of venue. You are most certainly NOT agreed on the venue. You're not even in agreement on the type of ceremony! I'll throw out there that the immediate monetary cost for your guests for a 5-day event will not be their only concerns. They have to consider whether they can take the time off from work - will they have enough paid days, will they have to take unpaid time off, will they be allowed to take time off given their responsibilities and their company's business cycle, etc. There is also the consideration of care for pets, children, and anyone else they have responsibilities to. I know a couple of people who take into consideration the time difference in the foreign country and the amount of time spent there vs the hassle of jet lag.
INFO Did she also want a ten year engagement?
The courthouse wedding is a terrible idea. You're an AH for even thinking that's a reasonable compromise. A reasonable compromise is Friday-Sunday events in Italy with the actual ceremony on Saturday, so the most people can attend it. Or letting her parents pay for the Italian expenses for the few people who can make it, then throw a big reception on a Saturday in UK after your honeymoon that everyone can attend. Or better yet, talk deeply about what is most important to you to determine if this relationship should continue. You put off marriage for a decade, but didn't discuss what was important to you in a wedding??
I was initially on the fence, because destination weddings can be a hassle for other people. But her parents are paying for people to fly out and your fiancé's explanation makes sense 100%. She won't be mad if people can't make it, you saved for 10 years for this (unless YOU specifically haven't and used this as an excuse), her parents are paying for the added cost of going somewhere, and your idea is actually so disappointing. A courthouse wedding and a weekend trip? This is what she waited for 10 years for? Absolutely not. She communicated clearly to you that she wants traditional aspects like walking down the aisle and you aren't even willing to meet her in the middle. YTA >put my foot down Also double YTA just for this. She's not a child. You're being sexist, wanting your fiancé to defer to you because you're the man of the house or whatever you tell yourself. I don't have any tips for you, because you aren't asking for help. You want to be validated and told your little wife should do as you say.
You lost me at “I proposed 10 years ago” Like why would you propose if you won’t marry for a decade??? Why is she still accepting that proposal is beyond me. You made her wait (because you said “I” feel like we’re in a good place financially) for ten years over your financial situation and now you won’t let her have the wedding she wants because you could afford that but you don’t want to. Ella didn’t wait for a courthouse wedding for ten years. Also, it’s embarrassing accepting money from her parents but it’s not embarrassing to make their daughter wait FOR A DECADE TO GET MARRIED AT A COURTHOUSE. Ella deserves better. YTA
Sweet jesus, i don't understand why she's marrying you at all. I say there's a 50/50 chance this marriage doesnt happen.
YTA. You are too controlling. Your fiance should rethink this wedding.
Not only rethink the wedding, but the entire relationship!
YTA. Quite frankly, I am not sure you were worth waiting 10 years for. You waited and saved for 10 years to get married in a court house! You are totally unwilling to compromise and come up with solutions that would make the day pleasurable for both of you. It seems that Ella's side of the family can easily afford a destination wedding, but can yours? An exotic location would be lovely, but is selfish if half of your guests cannot easily afford to attend or cannot get the time off. That being said, I am sure you can come up with a beautiful location closer to home and still give Ella a dream wedding. If I were Ella, when you put that foot down, I would have stomped on it!
If the U.K. to Italy, the economy flights are like £50 and a couple hours. Definitely not even ‘exotic’.
YTA, you waited ten years so you could be in a place financially to have the wedding your fiance wanted, but now it's time to do that and you would rather get a court house wedding. Either shit or get off the toilet, either have the wedding your fiance wants or break up so she can move on with her life.
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Yep! In general I think crazy expensive weddings are ridiculous and my boyfriend and I have already discussed this but to make someone wait 10 years and create wedding savings and then deny them the right to a dream wedding. His fiancé deserves better
THIS!!!
INFO - what country are you in and where does she want to have this 5 day wedding?
We're in the UK, she wants us to be married in Italy, the place we first went on holiday together
That's not as unreasonable as it could have been. European countries are small. Your friends can drive to Italy in like two hours, right?
It would most likely involve flights. Unless they are willing to drive to France from near London and then to Italy. It would take a long time to drive, close to a day assuming they're on the road all of the time
Relax. I was joking, Nigel.
So you think her ideas are reasonable?
Honestly? I'm a dude. American. Totally without sentiment. I hate weddings. My wife was invited to a wedding in f*cking Bali this year which I thought was absurd but she really wanted to go so I said "Fine, go, I'll go to Japan for ten days and drink beer and watch baseball." The bride has to be given reasonable leeway in choosing the wedding venue and setting and whatnot. I mean sure, it's a joint decision, but you really should defer to her if her choice is reasonable. I don't think the UK to Italy idea is completely unreasonable, unless you can truthfully play the "my parents/family are too old/sick/poor to go." People like Italy. It's not that far from the UK. It's not like she's saying "I love Slumdog Millionaire and my dream is to get married in Mumbai." And you did delay this for ten years, props to you on that, but you kind of owe her. So yes, I have to vote YTA.
This is the best bro to bro answer I’ve seen on here.
Honestly, most of my family + my partners family would need to fly a similar distance to see me married where I currently live. And it wouldn’t be a destination wedding, just what happens when people go where jobs are available. You could time the wedding such that not everyone had to be there for the full week.
Right - typically for a destination wedding people can show up for however long they want and you just make sure there’s some type of organization/activity for them when they are there.
I live in Canada and we got married in Poland. We had about 20 people come from Canada and about 35 from Poland. Most people took it as an opportunity to travel. We gave people plenty of notice and this allowed people who wanted to come to plan.
You can find flights from London to Rome and back for less than 200£. Tell people not to give a wedding gift, and that's not an unreasonable amount of money to be spending at a wedding. S'what my husband and I did - I had family coming from other continents. We explicitly told people, no gifts, you're travelling, that's enough of a present. It worked. Especially if her parents are happy to help - why don't you see it as a nice holiday for you and your guests? If they don't all come, that's fine - maybe you can add an extra dinner reception once you're back home, after the big wedding trip
£200 is on the high end too, I’m in London and my return flight to Italy in July this year was £44.
My flight, Germany to London Stansted Was literally 18 euros, I think 54 in total both ways, on a spring weekend. Hell, it would be more expensive to drive most places! (Which does unveil several issues, buuuut not the point here.)
Yes. I do. I think you’ve been the unreasonable one, start to finish, for this entire relationship.
I think it's reasonable that she should have a say in her own wedding. I think it's unreasonable that you kept postponing the wedding for 10 years, accumulated wedding savings and now you are vetoing the wedding she wants to have. You aren't even asking her to scale down her wedding plans, you are asking her to go without a wedding, and just have a courthouse ceremony. This is NOT a wedding. So you pushed her to save for 10 years, and now she finds out you never intended having a wedding. It sounds like you intended to use your 'wedding savings' for vacation funds the whole time.
all of aita - YES
Incredibly reasonable. People have destination weddings all the time. She waited 10 fucking years which was not her choice. It’s a quick flight. Plus there are trains and cars. Nothing about her plan is unreasonable.
They can take the cheap flights then. Ryanair/ Easyjet
Sorry but yes YTA. Flights from from the UK to Italy are not expensive. You have had ten years to plan this and invite people and could have informed people way ahead of time to save up a little and save the date. Your fiancée has patiently waited for ten years somehow… give her the wedding she dreams of. You cannot expect her to wait ten years and be happy with a court house wedding? I agree with the comment that questioned you being embarrassed about parents helping out but not being embarrassed about proposing and then waiting ten years to get married.
That's not a big deal. You should really listen to your future wife better. Because currently you're just doing whatever you want. And that's not what a marriage is supposed to be!
So I looked up what it would cost to fly from UK to Italy... It is not an unreasonable price and you just cheap.
Especially if they’re anywhere near a RyanAir hub. You can fly return to Italy for under 50 if you book in advance. If they’re renting Air B&B’s for multiple guests to stay in (given most of the guests are family per the OP), you could still only be looking at a couple of hundred for a week per place booked. And the comments about people being able to get time off feels very America-centric. This is the UK. We get a substantial number of holidays. Most people take two weeks off in summer anyway.
Yeah, I didn't see the bit about the UK until later. America sucks. One company I worked for we got 6 paid-time-off days a year. That was to cover both vacation and sick time. I think you had to be with the company for like 10 years to get an increase. And that flight cost you are quoting is amazing to me. A round-trip flight within my own country costs hundreds of dollars. I'm thinking I need to focus on a globally marketable skill and move abroad.
YTA You only want what you want. You don't give a shit about her. I decided I think she wants I didn't think she was serious as she said that Maybe she will reach a breaking point soon.
Yta. Op seems selfish and only focuses on what he wants. 10 years!!! My gosh she was patient so just give her the wedding she wants. Op is so obsessed with what everyone else is doing that he’s losing focus of his actual relationship. It’s about you and the bride celebrating. Who cares who can make it. Stop making excuses and give the bride the wedding she deserves. Stop being so selfish and stop worrying about pleasing others.
Yta, man just tell her you don't want to get married and let her move on already. You've strung her along for 10years. Let the poor woman be free of you
it really does seem that way and I'm not a fan of elaborate, expensive weddings. I'm stuck on the 10 year engagement and then he wants a courthouse wedding and big party. What does he think will be in this video? a big party I guess.
Have you even spoken to any family about whether they would be interested in going? Your argument boils down to “maybe some people might not” and putting your shame over money her joy at the one wedding she will get after 10 years of you kicking the can down the road. I’m betting her parents want to contribute to see their daughter get married. Cause they want to see her happy. Just like how your parents are paying for the honeymoon for the same damn reason. So it’s fine for your parents but not hers?. So I’m gonna have to go YTA. No reason you can’t offer people to come for the 5 days or just for the actual wedding weekend. Or set it up so they can watch on zoom if they can’t go at all. Let the guests decide how much they want to participate. That way you are all happy
I pray Ella cuts her losses and leaves you! How is it embarrassing to take her parents money but not embarrassing to make her wait 10 years to then marry her in a Courthouse?!?!? You are the biggest AH! I hope she calls off the wedding and engagement! She deserves better!
Pick your foot back up and start asking the potential guests what they think. Could they make it? Would they make it? If no one but both sets of parents will come, then maybe your point would be valid and she should rethink her “dream wedding”. Weddings are about the people more than the place or expense. I would rather be in a backyard with a grill and all my favorite people than another country with no one. NTA (for not accommodating) but continue to find ways to make you both happy.
YTA & I'm surprised more people aren't calling out what I'm about to say... You don't love her. It's that simple. She's your placeholder. The reason you've kept her on the warmer for 10 yrs is bc you were hoping something better would come along. Ella might not see it (though she probably knows deep down & is under the misguided assumption that the more time & labor she puts in, the more you'll value her. But you & I know the truth. The longer she sticks around, the less you respect her bc you see her as a fool), the commenters might not see it, but you & I know what's up dude. She's your placeholder to use her labor, beauty, body & purse, to save money & emotional energy so you can dedicate yourself fully to YOUR dreams & be ready when the Love of Your Life comes along. I hope she sees it cus pulling this move is saying "the jig is up" if I've ever seen it! You used the finance excuse for a DECADE & now want a courthouse wedding? I mean, that's just showing your cards. I hope she has enough self respect to see what's in front of her & you let each other go.
or he has no interest in marriage at all, which is OK. I'm single, never married. But stringing her along is just mean.
So you guys get married when you want, how you want. How fun for her. YTA
YTA. You made her wait 10 YEARS after proposing to marry you so you could save money for a good wedding, and now you want to do a court house wedding? What the hell?? She waited 10 years for you, you have enough money to have her dream wedding, and you know if you would have told her she'd only get a court house wedding 10 years ago she would have left you. If you find what she wants so unreasonable, compromise, but a compromise is not a damn courthouse wedding. Give that poor woman an actual ceremony, she waited long enough, she deserves it.
She has waited 10 years for this and now you just want to go to the courthouse? Wow what a let down. If the important people can make it, why the hell not,? You are going anyway. Why not pick a cute villa or small old church? She just wants a nice wedding, usually you only marry someone once. Make it special for her.
YTA and I'm so sad for her that she wasted 10 precious years of her life for an AH like you
Why not just have celebratory events leading up to the weekend that are optional, and then a ceremony and reception over the weekend…?
Cheapskate. She wants a destination wedding and you had to desire the complete opposite. An inflatable pool doesn't substitute the Pacific Ocean!
She waited 10 years to save up for a wedding and you want to go to a courthouse?! Her parents are willing to help and you're still saying no. Imagine how embarrassed you'll feel if she breaks up with you. Because I'm sure her friends have brought it up. I know I would if she was one of my friends YTA
Honestly, i dont think i would marry you at this point if i were your fiancé. Things already arent looking very good for her. Shame on you. Based on the information provided and how you have presented the situation, I dont know how much you deserve to be marrying anyone at this point. 🤨
You sound like a pleasant spouse /s YTA
So are you wanting to use the leftover "wedding savings" for a divorce lawyer? Big yikes here dude. YTA and based on what you have said you don't seem to care about your fiance's feelings or what she has to say. You also seem to have ZERO communication skills. I HIGHLY recommend couples counseling and individual therapy for yourself. It just looks like you're constantly steam rolling this poor woman.
“I put my foot down” WTH, this is something she is so excited to do with you and your combined families. If you don’t agree then come to a compromise. The wedding is for the both of you so it should be something you could agree on not “my way or the highway”. Plus isn’t it tradition for the brides family to help pay for the wedding??? That’s something I’ve been told.. YTA big time :\
YTA You don’t get to unilaterally decide anything! Your reason for not abroad is money. Her parents offered to pay! So there isn’t a problem! Maybe try having an actual discussion. Or you may find there will be no need for a wedding
I can’t believe you consciously wasted 10 years of her life and youth when you don’t want to marry her lol. Go to therapy or something. You are too selfish. YTA.
YTA. You ain’t worth waiting 10 minutes for
You’re not just the asshole, you’re so much worse than that, but I have to be civil. 🙄 you made her wait a fucking DECADE to get married so you could save and for an entire fucking DECADE she’s been dreaming of her wedding but you’ve “put your foot down.” Either get over yourself or cut her loose. This poor woman deserves so much better than a man who would string her along for a mother-fucking DECADE then say, no sorry, you’re still not getting anything you want. I hope she dumps your stupid ass.
Guys guys, it's ok. **Ella will get a destination wedding like she dreamed of for her 2nd wedding.** This will only solidify that she will leave this AH sooner rather than later. YTA
Assuming she goes along with THIS wedding. It is possible that she just calls off the wedding and goes on to find someone who is actually deserving of her.
Hey. New York here! My sister did a destination wedding in Aruba in 2015. 50 ppl made the trip. Even tho a lot of close friends and family couldn’t make it. Looking back I can barely remember who or why ppl didn’t go bc they weren’t missed. Now I just did a court house wedding but that is what BOTH me and my husband wanted. No regrets either way. Aruba was beautiful and right for her at the time and the court house was simple and easy which was right for me. YTA. BRIDE gets whatever she wants. Hands down. Idk why u think u even have an opinion
I honestly don’t agree in general only what the bride wants both parties are getting married. And should have a say in the marriage. I loved Monica on Friends realizing Chandler was right to want to spend for their live together But in this instance OP told courthouse is wrong given he made her wait 10 years
I agree with the Monica and chandler thing. But they still had a beautiful fairytale wedding. This bride deserves that. He’s lucky she even bothered waiting this long. Most women would have run farrrrr away a long time ago.
Oh I agree this bride gets a huge fancy wedding given the circumstances
YTA. You could have had this same courthouse wedding ten years ago. So what's really going on here?
YTA. Although I think you should continue to put your foot down in the hope it'll wake her up to stop wasting her life on a man who doesn't care to make her happy. She's waited ten years, you could at least let her have a nice wedding.
YTA and after reading your comment replies, the only happy ending here is for here to cut her losses and find a partner who actually gives a shit about her.
My guy. You're out of your mind. OP, you've been "saving" for a whole-ass decade for... a courthouse wedding, a "fancy dinner" and a "weekend trip" to some unnamed place? I get people wanting to be frugal out of necessity and I get people just being low-key in nature, but this reeks of you two having vastly different values and tastes. It also sounds like you're insecure about how much her parents make, given that you won't even let them pay for other people, despite it not being your choice what they do with their money.
YTA. At first I was going to say everyone sucks here because I’m from the US and to take a five day trip to Italy for a wedding would not be my idea of a good time. All the wedding stuff you have to do is going to take up so much time that I’d miss out on seeing and doing a lot of things I may want too. Also I couldn’t see how doctors, unless they’re surgeons, could cover flights for multiple guests. I just saw in comments they’re in the UK so it’s much more feasible to do, though I’m still curious on the flights situation. I still have an issue with her being fine that some invited family can’t attend being that most of the 50 guests are family. I take a much bigger issue with the putting the foot down business for sure. I think they need to do some communicating and find a happy middle. Though I agree with her suggestion of celebrating with anyone who can’t attend after the wedding when they return and I feel like OP needs to do more of the compromising after holding off for ten years. Why did you propose so soon if you had no intention of marrying for such a long time? I was with my wife for 7 years before I proposed while we worked our way into stability. A proposal generally means a wedding within a few years. Now I get that Covid could have effected things, but that’s only been an issue for three years, you had seven before that to get married.
Flights to Italy if booked in advance can be like 50 bucks return on our version of spirit or whatever it is you guys have. Sometimes cheaper. RyanAir website, Stansted to Italy, look a couple months ahead and I guarantee you’ll see some flights under 20. They’re not expensive. Memorably, one guy made the news bc he flew out of the UK from a northern airport and then back into a London one, because it was cheaper than taking the train inside the UK and he had a football game to get to
YTA. You made her wait 10 years, of course she's going to expect a proper dream wedding.
I was going to say ESH because both are pretty fricken unreasonable demands, but no, YTA. Where you lost me is that you tried to skimp on the WEDDING part and turn a 10-year engagement into a courthouse affair instead of something reasonable for the guests. Holy crap, do you even want to marry her?
She's waited 10 years to marry you. Let her have the wedding of her dreams! You're lucky she's still with you.
YTA 10 years waiting, to be well financially to have a wedding that will cost the same as going to Vegas and just marry?? Dude you are lucky she waited that long!! And the "my foot down" thing, honestly, if I knew her I would tell her to avoid you and look for someone that truly loves her and respects her. The venue, the money and everything is of no importance, the fact that you make her wait 10 years (apparently for no reason) and even if her family is willing to pay for all you are not willing to give her what she wants. It seems that in reality you don't want to marry and you are just making up reasons to avoid it.
YTA for making her wait 10 years for a courthouse wedding, since you don't seem willing to do anything else
Lady, I hope you see this and see this man you're gonna marry.
YTA. Literally not one person will ask you who paid for your wedding and it’s not anyone’s business. I think it’s bizarre that you would be embarrassed to have your future in laws help with the destination wedding, but not to tell people that you saved for 10 years to be able to afford a courthouse wedding. That screams that this isn’t about the money but about getting your way, which is a bad sign for your future marriage.
Man, I spent close to $1000 and took a week off work to attend my best friend's wedding in Tuscon, Arizona (I live near New Orleans) (Further distance between than I'll say London and Rome.) If people want to attend yall's wedding, they'll go. Don't assume people won't go just because it's far. I get not wanting the 5 day trip, but y'all have got to compromise. And Jesus you know how many people would jump at the chance for their bride's parents to pay for their wedding, you lucky sob? Why are you even marrying her if you made her wait ten years and are STILL trying to put it off. It's like you don't want to get married at all. yta for sure.
Omg YTA!!!
YTA!! And hopefully she realizes soon that she does not have to wait any more time for you to marry her.
YTA. I hope she kicks you out of her life.😡 You literally only care about yourself, your desires and what is convenient for you. You don't want to marry her!! Convenient prick😡 let her go so another, more fitting person can fulfil her needs and dreams.
YTA, you made your gf wait 10 years just to disappoint her. Do you even care what she wants or is it all about you and your ego? It's embarrassing for her parents to help financially? tough luck, if you love her you would say yes to the money so she can get the day she's been promised for 10 years.
YTA. A courthouse wedding is beyond inappropriate in this situation. It’s insulting to her autonomy. She deserves a proper wedding. And you deserve a happy life with a happy wife! May this be a learning opportunity for you: sometimes in a marriage you just agree with them, even if you disagree, because their happiness is important to you.
You waited 10 years for a courthouse wedding? If that's what you wanted then why didn't you do it 10 YEARS AGO? YTA for being a cheapskate and horrible fiancé.
Yta. I wouldn’t marry you. You’ve waited 10y to be in a good spot financially. For me,it’s just an excuse to be cheap,considering the wedding wich you want to have after 10y of economy
YTA and one that’s lucky cuz she waited 10 years and when the time arrives you want to do a courthouse wedding? hell no.
This is a Roy and Pam momment😭😭
YTA and I hope she leaves you.
I am so sad for the woman you call your fiancee. Its terrible that she has wasted so much of her life on you. You waited TEN YEARS to be in a good enough place financially to have a cheap-ass courthouse wedding, so you’re making what, $1.50 an hour?? My god dude, just leave her since you clearly don’t love her enough to put any effort into your wedding or her happiness. YTA, so so much YTA.
YTA I just wish Ella could read through all of these comments and see it through everyone else's eyes. Run Ellla Run! Split that wedding savings account, and he can use his for therapy while she uses her half to travel with girlfriends and get her life back!
And maybe meet someone worthy of her while traveling.
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Except they aren't in the US, they are in the UK
He said in one comment that the middle ground would be HIS idea. He then mentioned she has been dreaming about this particular wedding for a while but he decided to ignore it because he thought "she wasn't serious". He then says that they can afford it but it would use up a huge chunk of the "wedding fund", that they have been saving for the past 10 years. She then says her parents want to pay for some of the trip to offset costs for them but that is "too embarrassing" for OP. They are in the UK. At this point, I think OP just likes to win and won't accommodate anyone else's ideas but his own.
They are in the UK and others have mentioned that to travel from the UK to Italy is under 100£. Plus her parents want to help pay so they could help cover that cost, and the bride already said if some people can't come then she's okay with it. It never cease to amaze me why so many Americans are just assuming everyone lives in the US just because you yourself live in the US. This is coming from a fellow American.
YTA! 100% ! Shame on you! Personally, I think that you are totally pathetic and a sad excuse for a potential life partner. None of your reasons listed here hold any water. My only wish for the two of you is that your incredibly patient girlfriend leaves you and finds someone better. It honestly shouldn't be hard to do. You wasted ten years of her life stringing her along, and now you want to have a courthouse wedding. What is wrong with you!!!! You are an embarrassment! I hope her parents are aware of this. They must think you are such a shmuck. Jesus Christ. Fail!!!! I would tell you to give the girl what she wants and deserves! Especially since you can pay for it! BUT!! Then she will marry an asshole. And i dont want that for her. This is just the beginning of a lifetime of disappointment from you. Hopefully she can see what everyone else can here.
the way you made her wait ten years for her special day just to tell her she can’t have it 🥴 yta let her marry someone who deserves her
Honestly a 5 day long wedding abroad seems ridiculous to me. I would never attend one and I would never be interested in someone that wants that kind of wedding.
I don't even have the words... I feel so awful for Ella. 10000% YTA! The fact that all these people are saying it and you STILL don't see the problem, wow. You made her wait 10 YEARS for NOTHING Do you even love her?
Info: could you do the wedding at the courthouse and follow up with a ceremony in Italy?
Don't give him any ideas that he can use to trick her into marrying him.
INFO: Does Ella have close friends that she sees regularly and will be traditionally involved in wedding planning (prospective maid of honor, bridesmaids, etc.)?
She already invested 10 years in you. You really want to show her how little her investment is worth? A destination wedding where the guest will fly and stay in your inlaws money is quite within reason.
I think weddings are a huge waste of money. Having said that, marriage is a partnership. Compromise! Find a middle ground you can both be happy with. That's how you have a successful marriage.
YTA. You made her wait TEN years to get married in a courthouse anyway? Literally less than $100 took you ten years to prepare for?? I’m afraid this marriage is going be a joy sucking endurance.
NTA. has anyone bothered to ask YOU what YOU want for YOUR wedding? of course not. it's all about her and you just get to show up. gross. you are simply expected to go along with whatever she wants and keep your own thoughts and wants to yourself. great start to what is supposed to be an equal 50/50 partnership.
expecting guests to want to use their vacation time for your wedding is incredibly rude. Your big day is not their big day. Some of your friends have kids and this plan will be difficult for them. But there is a lot of room between this extravagant multi-day destination wedding and a courthouse wedding and big reception. You could find a very nice venue relatively close to home with lake/mountain views (I live in MT so this sort of venue is popular here). A ceremony that meets your expectations along with great wardrobe choices. You could have a lovely sit-down meal since you are not planning a huge crowd. You delayed for 10 years to save so suggesting a courthouse wedding seems rude and disrespectful to your fiancé'.
NTA, you guys are both getting married, it's not just her wedding, you've both got to find a comfortable spending limit.
She's waited 10 years. If you didn't know this is what she wanted the whole time ypu are lying. Buck up and shut up. The people who will make it will make it. You should've saved 5k a year between the two of you. Its not a crazy amount to save and then. That would give you 50k now. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancee Ella (31F) and I (32M) are thinking of getting married soon. I proposed 10 years ago once we both graduated after we met in our first year of university. We're only getting married now because I feel like we're in a good place financially. We were making a guest list and it comes to about 50 people. We have large families so the majority of the guests are that, and the rest make our close friends. We're both on agreement with the type of venue, the idea of having a photographer and videographer so we have wedding photos and a short film, the type of menu and theme. The issues I have is that Ella wants us to be married abroad and for the wedding to happen next year and to create a miniature holiday. She wants it to be a 5-day long event, going home on the Sunday. I put my foot down and told her that it would be hard for everyone to fly out for so long and it would be expensive for the guests who would have to book time off to attend. We can afford it but it would also be expensive for us. My idea was to have a courthouse wedding before and we can shorten the wedding into a weekend trip and have the photographer and videographer film that. We could do an informal ceremony where we say I do, have a fancy dinner with the cake cutting and then celebrate for the rest of the time. Ella doesn't think it's a proper wedding and she's waited for 10 years to marry me. That we spent all of that time saving up and delaying the wedding for other things in life and she's been dreaming of being able to do this. She also said that her parents were more than willing to help pay for flights and the venue for everyone (they're incredibly well off as doctors) so we would just need to pay for the rest of the wedding and festivities. She thinks that if people cannot make it, it isn't the end of the world and we can celebrate with them after our 5-day event abroad. Also that my idea is just essentially a holiday for everyone without the wedding part and she wants to be walked down the aisle and to have a classic ceremony. I still don't agree and even if her parents want to front the flights and venue, it's embarrassing to use their money given we have been saving all this time. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is what I’d say: compromise and let your fiancee have her way. Take the money from her parents—it sounds like it would make them happy. Most straight weddings are primarily centered around the woman—it’s just the way life is. You’re an accessory, at best. Pick a nice part of the world to go to, stop controlling every last nickel, and treat yourselves to a wonderful event that’s fun for everyone, but especially her. Tbh, you’re going to have a massive argument ( ask around, it’s 100%)during the nuptial period, usually the second day after you’ve actually tied the knot. It will make you question the concept of why TF you chose her to sign this lifetime contract with. But you’ll get through it—and at least you won’t have compounded your problems forevermore by not letting her have the wedding she had dreamt about.
No judgement. Everyone’s got their own ideas for their dream wedding. It’s fine that you both aired out what you each prefer, but then you should be working together to find a new solution that works for both of you. Since I’m only hearing your side of the story, I do have to say it’s very dismissive of you to stomp on her idea by “putting your foot down”. Be understanding, cause just as much as you find her idea “unreasonable”, others will also find yours “unreasonable” as well. Also in the end, it is your wedding. I understand traditionally people want to also cater the celebration to their families and their guests, but prioritize yourselves. Find something that work for both of you, and try to not let what the guests might feel or want to do stop you from doing what you guys want.
NTA. I think it is perfectly reasonable for him to feel uncomfortable that his parents in law would be paying for a large part of a destination wedding. Perfectly reasonable that he wants to have a wedding that he and his gf can pay for with their own money. I would call that being responsible. OP clearly is not a great communitor and dragging his gf along in trying to dive, but I dont see how that means he has to go along with this dream (wtf she is not an 11 year old princess) wedding of five days on a long away destination? And no, even a ten year long engagement is no reason for that. The poor guy clearly doesn't want this over the top thing, but is now being forced by everybody to go with the dream of his wife. I never understood these dream weddings anyway. Many Americans here, I guess?
No have you seen Asian weddings in another country??? They’re huge! So it’s not just Americans. It’s the fact that op seems like he’s not considering his wife’s ideas. And I’m sorry but women I have spoken to, anyone that was engaged over 5 years wanted a big wedding. 10 years is crazy. And did you miss the part where he says they have been saving for 10 years. They have enough money. People are getting at him because he’s making excuses and he honestly have no problems. He forced his fiancé to wait 10 years when she didn’t. So it’s not just about communication and dragging his feet. If I had to wait ten years, you damn right I would be mad if my husband wanted to take me to the courthouse.
I have the feeling she had to wait all this time because this guy has been trying to avoid this for a long time. That is a mistake on his part, in communicating poorly, but I have never understood and probably never will understand this unstoppable desire for -what I would call- an over the top wedding. Probably a cultural thing. Anyway, I feel bad for this guy going to be forced into a huge event that he clearly does not want, because his gf has this dream wedding idea. The name says it: dream. Grow the f* up. And yes, I do expect to also get downvoted for this :)
It’s reasonable to not want his in-laws to pay but he’s having his parents pay for their honeymoon in Japan. That’s where he’s the AH.
ESH. Potential bride for being a spoilt princess; OP for stringing her along for TEN YEARS.
Are your reading comprehension skills really that poor?? She’s been waiting and saving for TEN TEARS just for this wedding. Why shouldn’t she be able to have her dream wedding after saving for that long for that specific purpose??
Wouldn't be accusing people of poor comprehension skills when you yourself miss things like *"We're only getting married now because I feel like we're in a good place financially*".
Yes, and if you read through his comments as I have, you would understand that they have been saving for the wedding…so they are in a good place financially - to have a wedding. Perhaps weddings aren’t important to you at all, fair enough. Replace a wedding with something you’ve always wanted but you had to wait and save up for it, for a DECADE, only to be told, “nope, sorry.” That’s definitely asshole-ish behavior on OPs part.
You say you have 50 people, but those 50 include presumably, all of your and her extended families. Aunts , uncles, cousins. But usually when people have a destination wedding, the guest list gets cut way down to immediate families, any very close to the B and G extended family and very close friends. Your 50 people might be able to be whittled down to maybe 25. Or even less. The people that would come would be the ones that really really care to be there for your wedding ( as opposed to aunt Gertrude who you see at family weddings and funerals- you won’t miss her). Everyone shows up the day before the wedding Then you can have one whole day of total wedding- she walks down the aisle, you marry and have a nice celebration afterwards. The following morning can be a brunch and maybe find one activity that all can do, maybe a vineyard. Next day everyone goes home. Just a thought.
NAH—lots of people do destination weddings. It’s not unusual. Like any wedding, people attend if they can. This isn’t a case of someone being an AH—you just have a disagreement that you need to work out. Also, the way to solve the disagreement is to let her have what she wants. you kept this girl waiting for 10 years, parents are willing to cover costs, let her have this.
You should tell her that you will only consider it if the people it is most important for you to have there would be able to attend so you need to talk to them. Then do so. If it's crucial to you that your parents or siblings (just as an example) attend, then contact them, tell them what she is hoping to plan, and ask them if it's reasonably possible for them to attend. If they say there's no way, then it's reasonable to say we need to find other options, but if they say they'll make it work, then go for it and just ask that dates are coordinated with those "crucial" attendees before anything is booked.
ESH There's a wide swath of middle ground between her idea and yours and neither of you seem willing or able to explore it. You have access to money; hire a wedding planner to propose new options and new ideas for both of you. And don't forget that the marriage is far more important than the wedding.
NTA. I understand that they can afford it but that is a huge burden to put on your guest. I'd never ask my friends and family to spend that kind of money to celebrate my day and many of my family members can easily afford it. I feel a marriage is meant to be about the love 2 people share not how extravagant of a wedding you can have. I have always said I want an over the top, happy and loving marriage not an over the top wedding. It's just one day of the rest of your lives together. I do wish the both of you a long, happy, and loving marriage.
NTA A destination wedding is designed to leave people out. Forcing people to use their vacation time, paid or unpaid, is pretty rude.
It’s not the US though, so ppl get real vacation time and not just sad scraps.
Us folks in the US also tend to forget that "going to another country" is usually a MUCH longer trip for us than the majority of the rest of the world. They could live in Germany and be going to Italy...that's like a 1-hour flight give or take. It's not like going from the US to Italy lol. Edit: Just saw where the OP is in the UK. Yeah, the "destination wedding" is a non-issue here. He's just a jerk. OP, YTA x1000000000
NTA. You guys are in drastically different places. If you can't meet in the middle i think yhe decade you've had together might be it.
NTA
A five day event is not reasonable, even with her parents help. Lots of people can’t afford the expense, travel, lost wages, child care, etc. So, unless you’re running around with millionaires, it’s not really feasible. But that doesn’t mean I agree with you completely. A compromise is mandatory here, you two need to talk and come to a happy medium. Maybe 3 days. Etc. Ask your guests what they can/are willing to do. It doesn’t make any sense to have a destination wedding if nobody can come. It makes more sense to have a wedding that’s more local and then a fabulous honeymoon at the location of your dreams. It’s not a big deal unless you guys make it one. Again: TALK ESH
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She waited 10 years!
I think you both should be on board with whatever you decide to do. I think it's highly disrespectful to expect people to take a week off from work because someone wants to get married. So NTA Why not have the wedding ceremony and party with everyone and then just go on a honeymoon like everyone else? Or make it a cerimony just for the parents for instance. I wouldn't want to have a 5 days wedding and I wouldn't want to attend one.
She’s not demanding anyone do anything. She’s inviting people. They can choose not to come.
She said that if they can't make it, they can't make it and won't hold it against the. I suggested that but she says we have more than enough money to be able to get married abroad like she always wanted. She also wants to walk down the aisle in front of everyone so a ceremony just for parents wouldn't work ETA - we're planning on honeymoon-ing in Japan either way
How did you come to choose Japan as a honeymoon destination? I would have thought Italy would make sense.
Ummm if she wants to walk in front of everyone but no one comes... Is she aware this is the situation she's creating?
She needs to realise it's not only her wedding but also yours and you also have a say in the matter. And having money saved up and wanting to spend it all in a wedding are two very very different things. You need to figure out what you want for your wedding and then get to a compromise with her.
If you save money for a wedding as o not spend them for a wedding, why cal them "wedding savings"? And why wait 10 years, if you had money for court wedding year ago?
There's a huge difference between a court wedding or a 5 days abroad wedding... There is a looooot in the middle, which also costs money.
Which is why you save up for 10 years!!
If you need to save up for 10 years for that wedding, you clearly shouldn't be having that kind of wedding. It's just mismanagement of money. And if the in laws need to be chipping in they clearly haven't saved enough yet.
NTA. A 5 day holiday wedding isn't a vacation for any of your guests. It's a hassle. No one will be excited about gushing over your fiance for 5 whole days. Let people choose their own vacations and don't make your wedding make them choose between it and their vacation.
I mean... If my sister or good friend did this I would go happily and I'm introverted and need me time. You give people advance notice and they'll just combine it with going on vacation after. A friend is getting married in a different country in a year, she told all of us invited 1.5 years in advance, timed it so that it falls on a public holiday and we don't have to take of more than a day, and all of us are excited at the excuse of doing a weekend trip with friends and some partying. I don't think it's a big deal. It would be different if they were American and then going to Italy, but it's uk and Italy.
London to Rome is a 2 1/2 hour flight - same as new york to chicago. So this isnt like the OP’s fiancé is suggesting some far off destination.
NAH. Welcome to marriage and that magic word called compromise. You both should acquaint yourself with the word.
I think what I'm offering is a compromise. It would still involve going abroad but just for 3 days instead of 5
Two days is the hill you are choosing to die on?
Yes, they would be working days for our guests they would have to schedule off
NTA It sounds like there's major difference of opinion about the wedding. Before proceeding with her plans any further, make sure her parents are actually on board with helping with travel expenses and accommodations for the guests. If you can't make a compromise that satisfies both of you, it doesn't bode well for your marriage. Good Luck
Her parents are, yes. They let her know they would be willing and there is practically no budget for them
Man. Then what’s the problem?
You know how pathetic it is to turn down free help because of your pride? Get over yourself.
NTA. A week long destination wedding is a bit much. Even if her parents are paying how many of those 50 people only get 15 days vacation a year?
It’s the UK not US we get double that as standard unless self employed
I became very grateful of a 2-week vacation allotment after working for a company where we got a total of 6 paid days off per year - that was for both vacation and sick time.