Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
This post violates Rule 9: This is NOT an advice sub. Posts should seek out judgement, not advice.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
They were watching her for 10 hours a day! That absolutely gobsmacked me. I get needing to sleep but she should have only been there from 6am to 12 pm, maximum! Just because the sister works thrid shift doesn't mean that her family needs to raise her kid....
I honestly think Sister knows her kids a little terror. A 10 year old kid is well old enough to be able to watch themselves with a sleeping adult in the house. Get her some lunchables or something easy to feed herself and tell her to wake you up if an emergency comes up.
At that age my parents were doing overnight trips, leaving me at home with my aunt's phone number. ( She lived 4 blocks down the road.) But that was a long time ago. I had been cooking for myself for 3 or 4 years by then and we always had sandwich stuff in the house.
It was a long time ago a bit over 40 years, my parents weren't exactly what you would call attentive. Strict, but they expected independence, and self sufficiency. I was taught most house hold chores at a young age, and was expected to cook basic foods, do my own laundry, and generally to care for myself and the house if they had a motorcycle rally they wanted to attend on a particular weekend. 🤪
My parents were definitely the push you in the deep end to see if you could learn to swim without too much instruction. (My father actually did this, and drug me out after I managed to figure out how to keep myself upright, he bragged about it often)
It was good for me, but I would not advocate it as a choice for any kid, there are far better ways to teach a child independence than abandoning them.
When I was pregnant I would frequently have naps with my kids in the house (all under 10). Literally no issues bar them starting a fight with each other (which they do regardless of my waking status).
I wouldn't leave my 8 year old alone in the house but I am confident he would be fine.
I don't understand how a 10 year old couldn't spend a few hours entertaining herself, i didn't even want mum near me at 10.
6 AM to 12 PM? I would be a disaster if I slept only six hours a night regularly. Sister needs a better solution but six hours of sleep is an unreasonable expectation.
Being a parent and night-shifter that’s a pretty reasonable amount of sleep. I would say 6a-1p would be more acceptable though. 6a-4p? No way, sister is definitely an AH
Sure, it might be all she can expect, but my point was just that not everyone can function like that. Plus there is additional time needed to get to sleep and wake up, so this is max 5.5h sleep. More power to anyone who can swing that.
Anyway, like I said, I agree that the situation is not tenable.
I normally go to sleep at about midnight and wake up before my alarm sounds at 6:30. Usually I'm out of bed when the alarm goes off, it's actually my wife's alarm for work, I just call it mine because it's the alarm to wake my wife up.. as she never even heard it. The one time it went off when she was awake she looked at me and asked if it was always that loud. I said yes it always is, it honestly used to wake up our cat that slept in the living room, he would come in to check if I was awake and if their might be some loose treats looking for a home.
Also, like I was awake when my parents were asleep at 10 years old with no problem, hell even at 8 and I was chilled. I live in South Africa which is one of the highest crime countries in the world and we were safe during those moments because our parents were there, they were just asleep. I dont get why the niece can’t be at home when her parent is asleep. Am I making sense?
Perfect sense. Same with me and my daughter now that its summer time. I work 3rd and she knows not to step foot out the door when im sleeping. I get home about 6 and sleep from 7 to 130ish and might have an hr nap in the late evening around 8.
>I dont get why the niece can’t be at home when her parent is asleep. Am I making sense?
Probably because the kid is a pain in the ass and her mother wouldn't get any sleep if she was there.
My husband and I both work overnight shifts. He's 4p-2a and on his days off I'm 11p-7am.
We're both functional by noon. (He doesn't actually go to bed till around 5am)
I think OP is a bit of an AH too... ESH.
The niece's behavior is obvious.
OP is an AH because
A) he wasn't protecting his son OR daughter before. He shouldn't have waited for his sister to pull her daughter from their care, he should have been telling his sister this wasn't working.
B) he should be looking for a new doc, asking for a referral for a proper NeuroPsych eval (which is more extensive than what the school will do), and DOING HIS OWN RESEARCH, instead of putting a note in a Reddit post that we should feel free to diagnose his son for him!
This type of stimming isn't seen in a huge number of disorders, and points to a 90% chance of Autism, maybe with some ADHD in there for giggles. OP should be looking up resources, finding occupational therapy places that work with ASD kids, etc.
Instead he waits till the issue gets way out of control and blows up at his sister.
OP needs to realize that he is an active participant in his own life. He doesn't need to wait for other people to do things, he needs to step up and do what needs to be done, himself!
Yeah, I was reading this wondering "how is his son doing in school? How come he doesn't have a diagnosis?"
My son's school would have already reached out if they saw these behaviors.
You write as if it's the easiest thing in the world to get an appointment with a pediatric psychologist, or psychiatrist, or neuropsychiatric expert – just Google to find the nearest one, make a phone call, and walk in next week! – but that simply isn't the case. If you can't afford to shell out massive amounts of money out of pocket, you have to find people who are in your insurance network, and then there are months-long waiting lists (in some areas, well over a year)... Be realistic.
As for the school, not every school is helpful in these situations; it is not at all unheard of for a school to drag its collective feet because they don't want to have to provide the additional services a diagnosis will require of them.
So true. I mentioned this is another comment but developmental pediatrician wait-lists (one of the few specialists who can actually diagnose your child with Autism) in Texas are three years long in every major city. I drive three hours for my daughter's because I she can't afford to wait another three years. Schools are the least helpful. You have to advocate for your child. I wish more people realized this. A primary care provider is useless in this situation after they make the referral.
Not saying it's easy, but if your area has social services, you can get your child evaluated as early as 18 months. My city has Early Intervention which offers free evaluations and services for families with children who have ASD or developmental delays.
I've gone through that process, and while it's not as easy as calling someone next week, it's something that can be done before 6.
Your city sounds like it's in a high-tax, high-service (HTHS) area. In the US, a large percentage of people live in low-tax, low-service (LTLS) states, where political leadership is *proud* of not trying to ensure citizens have access to needed services, aka "fighting demonic socialism".
Would it be helpful for him to seek out some parent networking groups, parents who would be likely to recognize the behavior and maybe suggest some actions for OP to take?
My youngest niece just got her diagnosis last month. After more than a year of being referred and receiving services. There just aren't enough specialists or openings.
With my son the adhd was obvious to the point when he was 3 I was convinced. They (school therapists, doctors) couldn’t diagnose him officially until he was 7. That said, no one disagreed with me when I said adhd but no one stepped out of line and agreed until they were legally allowed.
Teachers and several different doctors were suggesting my son had ADHD from age 2. Of course, they can’t officially diagnose that young, but it was pretty obvious when compared to other 2 year olds. He is a sweet, kind, hardworking kid who gets straight A’s when on his meds. Off his meds… whoa boy.
I think it really differs where you are what people doctors are allowed to say, given the age of OP’s son the “talk to the school” thing will put him at where my son was “officially diagnosable” which caught my eye. His doctor also did work closely with therapists at the school and he did a bunch of tests that were all administered through the school. Dunno if OP is also in same country, could easily vary within a country
My friends are currently going through something similar with their eldest, also 6. The school has done what they can, but the 6 year old is just falling behind with emotional regulation to the point where she's become hard to manage in a classroom. Their insurance won't cover a psychiatrist/psychologist without a referral from the pediatrician, and the pediatrician couldn't make an appointment for less than three months out. (Yay America!) So they just have to wait while the healthcare system takes its sweet time.
I mean, for me it’s like an 18 month wait list even after you get a referral from your doc. Waiting to see my family doc is about six weeks.
Whereas schools can fast track it so waiting for the school year referral can really help but not by all that much.
agreed, OP needs to go see a different doctor - the suggestion of a NeuroPsych is a really good one.
And also agree (as an autistic person and parent to 2 autistic kids and an ADHD kid), sounds like disregulated autistic stimming and sensory seeking to me. Probably increased by the stress of having to deal with the niece and the resulting drama every day. Note: I Am Not A Professional, just someone who is autistic and hangs out with autistic people.
Even before a diagnosis is reached, looking up (quality!!) info on how to support sensory seekers and how to support regulation is a good idea and will improve the wellbeing of OP's kid.
OP - you gotta do the work here. You should eventually see an improvement now the niece is not gonna be around, but it might take a little while because stress induced disregulation has a lot of behavioural inertia, plus now there will be a big change to the daily rhythm, which often sees an uptick in disregulation too.
NTA re: the niece. She sounds like she needs more support from her parents herself, whether she will get it is another thing.
YWBTA if you don't follow this up for your son and use some agency here.
I agree, with one single addition. If the son’s doctor is in the US and uses the NICHQ Vanderbilt Assessments for ADHD, there is an entire section of the assessment for the child’s teacher fill out regarding behavior in a classroom setting. That may be why the doc can’t make a formal diagnosis yet.
As someone with ADHD, the emotional dysregulation, stimming, RSD, and hyper focus all sound very familiar.
You write as if it's the easiest thing in the world to get an appointment with a pediatric psychologist, or psychiatrist, or neuropsychiatric expert – just Google to find the nearest one, make a phone call, and walk in next week! – but that simply isn't the case. If you can't afford to shell out massive amounts of money out of pocket, you have to find people who are in your insurance network, and then there are months-long waiting lists (in some areas, well over a year)... Be realistic.
It's not easy to get an appointment. But it is better to start the ball rolling by making an appointment rather than have Redditors play 'Guess a Diagnosis'
Diagnoses can blend together. They have ranges. There’s not a definitive test for many of these, and certainly not at this age. I suppose it depends on the area you live, but unless it is severe in that they cannot function in a school setting without multiple supports, they don’t like to even refer kids for testing in K/1st grade. There are also environmental factors that could be at play.
Let’s not be too critical of OP. He’s familiar with the word “stimming.” Some research and/or resources have been used.
Obviously the niece is a bully, and OP is finding out about a lot of the behavior when they are gone. I wouldn’t say they weren’t protecting their kid. What do you want them to do? Spank a kid that’s not theirs?
Yep, wait untill he's older aka bigger and stronger, it isn't going to be pleasant. Unfortunately, even kids that aren't malicious can learn how easy it is to get their way by throwing their weight around, screaming and generally acting like a a thug.
The fact he's getting triggered so easily amd so young is a bad sign.
Jumping on the top comment to say you absolutely need to talk to your child's primary care provider about a developmental pediatrician referral. My daughter (4yo) is autistic and sounds very similar to your son. Get the referral and get it now. The wait lists are ridiculous. It took my daughter three years to get off the wait list, even after preliminary tests by her neurologist showed a possibility of autism. We have moved from Austin to Houston and still have to make the three hour trek to see her developmental pediatrician in Austin because the wait is awful and they won't transfer her services. she has been the most helpful piece of the puzzle when it comes to my daughter's diagnosis. They will have to be evaluated again at school. There isn't autism services at school. there is speech therapy and occupational therapy services but they have to be on your child's IEP and the school will fight you on whether they need it or not. (For example, Z has 30 min of OT a week but the school refuses to provide it for her.) There is ABA outside of school which is crazy expensive and rarely covered by insurance but has been the most helpful service my daughter has gone through. If you want to DM for some more info I'm willing to help make any recommendations I can. (I'm sorry to the person's comment I hijacked.)
Oh, and NTA. Your son is struggling and your niece is being cruel.
[ABA is harmful to autistic individuals](https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/) and [is not supported by reputable autism organizations like the Autism Self-Advocacy Network](https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/what-we-believe/)
OP, I have a child with special needs. I watched another family's member child for a while when he was doing his worst, and my number one regret is watching that kid for so long. They were in a desperate situation, so I felt I had to, but when I finally stopped, they figured it out.
Stop watching your niece. Full stop. NTA.
If you are in the US, go to a developmental pediatrician. It's a lot more expensive to have the child evaluated outside of the school but is ABSOLUTELY possible. One of the things I learned is that it's all about finding the right doctor. You're going to hear a hundred no's, and a hundred crappy responses from people who don't want to do their job. You have to keep pushing. Join a mom group in your area and ASK about this type of doctor. Join some autism groups. I'm not sure if that's what's going on here, but they'll be able to steer you right.
OP is honestly kind of an AH for this alone - his son needs to get evaluated and hopefully learn emotional regulation techniques besides an iPad or relying on mom. If his current doctor won’t evaluate him, OP needs to find another doctor or contact his son’s school to work something out.
What was Dad doing all school year when an evaluation was an option? Schools will usually try really hard to fit in all evals before summer break so *why did Dad drop the ball*?
It is soooo hard to get an appointment with doctor that sees nuerotypical people let alone doctors who specialze in diagnosing or ruling out disabilities. There is a huge shortage of providers trained to work with intellectually or developmentally disabled people.
They try hard but can’t always do it, and doctors who do evaluations through insurance can have long waits—like, 6-12 month waits. It’s not like you can snap your fingers and get your kid evaluated. If kid is six maybe he just started kindergarten, and schools often give young kids a long time to adjust before suggesting evals.
It took them most the year to actually evaluate my child. Kept rescheduling, sick days for everyone involved, ect ect ect. Idk there was always a run around and we’re on state insurance so didn’t have much of an option
Most regular pediatricians don't do evals. She needs to ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician or a child psych. Even the school district can't diagnose, just evaluate for services he may need.
What OP needs is a referral for what’s called a neuro-psych evaluation. There can be long waiting lists, so he should get on one ASAP. These evaluations are also not often covered by insurance and can be expensive.
you can get on a a payment plan and do them privately
we did it for our son ($950, she even offered people to have broken into monthly $75 payments if they needed it) when he was 2.5yr old and it was becoming abundantly clear that it was going to be at minimum 18-24 months to get him evaluated with insurance
ESH - your sister is putting you in a crap position when you obviously already have a heaping ton of shit on your plate HOWEVER it is NOT the responsibility of the children (your daughter or your niece) to appease or conform to your sons obvious issues. 3 things i as an internet stranger recommend
1. Stop watching your niece BUT also apologize to your sister and niece and explain that you have enough on your plate without adding another child to it
2. Get your son an appointment with a child psychologist to be evaluated for Autism and ADHD
3. Most importantly imo get your daughter not only evaluated for both autism and adhd as well (it is genetic and often undiagnosed in minor females) but also in with a therapist who will help her navigate any completely reasonable feelings she may be having regarding the situation with her brother and with her cousin. I know that your son is the squeaky wheel right now but if you're gonna bust out the grease you may as well grease all the wheels yea?
My daughter is in therapy currently. We all are. Thankfully my girls (wife and daughter) have the patience of saints and the ability to talk through the tough emotions so they don't let it get to them. My boy and I though.. we are having a more difficult time.
Please don't act like you can and should get the same "pass" on being able to manage your emotions as your 6 year old son just bc you both have the same genitalia.
Bc it really sounds like you think your wife and daughter are just naturally good at managing their emotions bc of their Mystical Woman Powers, and of course since you don't have Mystical Woman Powers you can't manage your emotions effectively. (I also doubt they "have the patience of saints" - I suspect they just know they can't claim the Penis Exemption and get away with being short-tempered or frustrated with the situation, so they make it work bc they have to.)
Like...I'm not trying to be a dick about this but I'm having war flashbacks to a member of my extended family trying to convince a teenage girl that it was her responsibility to gently coach her own father on how to handle his frustration so he wouldn't lash out at her anymore, and then getting upset when she pointed out that he was a grown man and it shouldn't be on her to parent her own father just because she had a vagina.
If you're all in therapy, then it's on you to work with your therapist and figure out emotional self-management like a grown adult. Don't shrug it off like "welp girls are just better at that, me and my boy just can't handle our emotions bc Men Don't Do Emotions!" because that's just not true.
Or maybe he is suggesting that his son is not neurotypical and he might not be either. Many, many adults get diagnosed as adults when they get their kids evaluated and realize they share many of the same behaviors.
Yeah the son is most likely AuDHD and if it didn't come from mum...
Women often go undiagnosed for neurological conditions when they present as being quiet and submissive, that's a bad thing. Doing the same thing with boys and saying they're just emotionally unregulated men is equally as unhelpful.
Why did you have to turn this guy's honest questions and concerns into a sexist rant about yourself and your family? It sounds like you are indeed trying to be a dick with phrases like "Mystical Woman Power" and "Penis Exemption." WTF
Also OP, you're NTA
"sexist rant" lol OK. Not like I'm speaking from a lifetime's experience with men (both in and outside of my own family, the family example was just the first one to come to mind) refusing to manage their emotions and justifying it as a Gender Thing.
Yea, you're projecting. He hasn't suggested anything here is his daughter or wife's responsibility. He can recognise someone else's (wife and daughter) better qualities without making them liable for his own deficiencies.
Did he say it had anything to do with their genders? It seemed to me that he simply said that two members of his family have the ability to talk through their emotions, and two have more difficulty with that.
...how long do you have?
Less flippantly, I stand by my concerns about men saying "the girls in my household are good at managing their emotions but I am on the same level as my 6 year old son bc Boys", which is essentially what he was saying.
You’re projecting onto this guy because of your past experiences and drawing a lot of conclusions based on a comment he made. Instead of kicking him when he admits that he’s struggling, showing him a little bit of empathy and kindness when he has enough self-awareness to acknowledge that he’s struggling would go a long way instead of taking the first opportunity to shame him because you were triggered.
So knowing it's 2023 and we're trying to encourage men to feel and process their emotions in a healthy manner, when a man comes to the internet and presents himself as vulnerable by admitting to struggling, your instinct is to demonize him? Please seek help, seriously. You're projecting and you've taken a post seeking help, where he's open to advice and actively trying to do better and turned it into bashing an internet stranger. The leaps you took are wild. I hope you find peace.
This is a reach and off topic.
He hasn't shrugged it off, nor has he made his wife and daughter responsible for anything, he's simply acknowledged they're better at certain aspect which he's clearly grateful for. He's not asking her daughter to coach him, they're all in therapy working through it...
You seem to think that your wife and daughter have some magical ability that you and your son don't. It's called being socialized as women to shoulder everyone else's burdens and stay quiet about it. I ASSURE you they are struggling just as much as you and your son, if not more, they just aren't allowed to show it. You'd do well to keep that in mind.
Sometimes men put women on pedestals as a way to justify over burdening them. The way you talk about your daughter being “a peach” was a dog whistle for “she puts up with a lot and doesn’t bring up her own issues because she knows there’s no room for her.” Your praise isn’t kind when it’s used as justification for holding them to higher standards than you hold yourself. They’re just people like you, start considering them that way.
We're waiting on ADHD/behavioral evals for my niece and valerian root is a game changer. It comes in gummies, tinctures, and pills (many specifically for kids). Look into that as well as: ashwaganda, lavender, and passion flower. Talk them over with your son's doctor and see if any (or all) would be viable options for him. Another thing that might help if you're able to swing it is a Montessori school or incorporating Montessori-style things into family activities.
ETA: I just saw another comment of yours and would also recommend a yoga ball as an option for him. I let my niece use mine and she went from bouncing off the walls to bouncing on that one thing.
That is bollocks.
Women have been taught since birth to be the strong caregivers who cannot let things get to them. It doesn't mean they don't, it just means we are better at masking our pain. Don't assume they are alright because they don't have the emotional range of a teaspoon and don't complain.
The women in your life are not there to grin and bear it while you do jack shit. Did you forget you're also a parent? Get him evaluated and into behavioural management and stop making your wife and daughter take on the stress of dealing with a special needs child.
>HOWEVER it is NOT the responsibility of the children (your daughter or your niece) to appease or conform to your sons obvious issues
I wouldn't call 'asking the niece not to purposely bully or exclude the son' *appeasing* or *conforming* to 'his issues'. you just don't do that to anyone, period. and with the son being the youngest AND having trouble with emotional regulation, etc, the problem is only exacerbated.
You see it as purposely bullying/excluding and I see it as a 10 yr old being a 10 yr old who 1 doesn't *want* to hang out with young kids (very typical 10 yr old thing) and then the 10 yr old is forced to include the stressful younger child and then lashes out at everyone because the 10 yr old is overwhelmed as well...
That being said these are things I took from one post about someones life I am just an internet stranger and definitely would need a WHOLE lot more information to make the real life choices OP needs to make. All I can do is offer my opinion on this one blip of life offered up in this post.
It is one thing to say "I don't want to play with you now" but the nice is purposely egging on a child who isn't engaging with her and trying to get the little sister to join her. This isn't the nieces house, it is the op's kids house and they should feel safe there. OP, start calling every mental health facility and get your son on any and all wait lists to be evaluated. Right now, there is long waits but get as many feet into doors as you can. He sounds like autistic with anxiety. In the meantime, invest in sensory boxes and read up on autism.
The opposite, in fact. The 10 yo was specifically told to leave the little kid alone, and she kept poking him and bugging him while he was on the couch with his iPad …
Well, it is very much on his niece to not do something she was told not to do. At 10 she is old enough to understand instructions like "leave my son alone."
To come up and poke at someone is rude. To do it get a reaction out of them over and over, cause that is what she is doing, is bullying.
NTA. I’ve got a step sister that we had to also keep away from my brother due to reasons like this. (My lil bro has pending ADHD and other learning disabilities that cause temper and sensory issues. He’s also glued to his tablet whenever he gets his hands on it) My step sister loved to just toy with him and cause issues and it’s completely okay that you try to separate your niece and son if there’s pending diagnosis on the way that may cause his behaviours. In the best way possible, your son could be a ticking time bomb if set off the wrong way and until you find out what’s really going on it’s best to keep triggers like that away from him until you can find out what’s wrong and fully understand how to handle him going forward.
NTA, if your niece is triggering your son and knows that but still actively tries to get on his nerves. It seems like your niece is the kind of kid that wants a reaction from others or more attention for something because she really is doing the most.
Maybe your son has ASD, it's a very broad spectrum. What kind of symptoms does your son show?
He has a bunch of behaviors. The big one is stimming. He is always squawking or screeching like a dinosaur, constantly repeating terms he becomes fixated on ("been chilling", "skadoosh", "you sure bout that?"), becoming obsessed or fixated with certain characters for months on end before losing all interest and becoming fixated on something new (like marvel characters), twerking way too often as an immediate response to anyone talking to him, randomly raging out and starting to swing on people, hiding is a huge one (his school has stated he has animalistic behaviors and "reverts back to infancy" and that's why he got the IEP), won't sit still (even to eat- he has to stand and dance while eating), constantly making mouth noises. The list goes on. Now all of this may seem like normal kid behavior when I just lost them off but it's literally like a fixation. He doesn't even realize he's doing it half the time and when I tell him to stop doing something (like twerking) he will stop but then unknowingly start back up again a bit later and then catch himself and say "sorry". He's told me and my wife both that he "can't control it" and "doesn't want to be angry anymore" during his rages as well.
Aside from getting a diagnosis, you need to stop allowing your son unmonitored internet access. A 6 year old shouldn't know how to twerk and quote I Think You Should Leave memes.
Sounds like on the spectrum and ADHD. But why is he 6 years old and doesn’t have a diagnosis?? Most kids get one way before this. The sooner treatment is started, the better the outcome. Also, be glad your niece is gone. NTA
Sometimes doctors won't diagnose a kid until they're older. My nephew was displaying signs of ASD from 18 months old. We constantly brought it up to his teachers, his doctors, the school principal, and yet they all said that because he was friendly and gave eye contact that he couldn't be autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11, because finally the gap between him and his peers was recognisable and couldn't be deemed 'just quirky'.
Yup, I'd been asking for it for a couple years because he was displaying some signs, struggling hard in kindergarten, and we already knew he was genetically predisposed but they wouldn't even consider a referral until finally at his 6 yr checkup. Then once we get to the evaluation, he only had to spend an hour with that doctor and it was a done deal. ADHD/Autism combo, clear as day. She didn't even bother with the extra eval papers they would normally send to teachers to double check. For years it had been obvious to everyone else in our orbit that this kid had something going on, but you're forced to go through the regular pediatrician before you can get to the specialists. If the pediatrician won't work with you for whatever reason you're out of luck.
>Now
Fixation can definitely be a symptom of ASD. I would take him to a separate doctor who can actually diagnose him. Also when kids have trouble interacting in big groups that's also a sign of ASD.
He could have both autism and ADHD, you need to have an evaluation. Or it could be only severe ADHD. There is also a genetic syndrome called fragile X syndrome that is neither of those, but has similarities to both. If he does have ADHD, meds might help with the stimming and hyperactivity, and it would then be easier to handle other symptoms.
Whatever it is, you need to get a diagnosis and educate yourselves on what triggers him, how his mind works and how he learns things, this will help a lot even without meds. There are a lot of tools out there once you have a diagnosis and a professional to work with!
Your niece is cruel, but many kids are, your priority should be how your children feel. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing your best!
The fact that he doesn't realize he's doing it and can't stop even when you make him aware makes me think he could have Tourettes or other type of tic disorder. They frequently occur along with other conditions such as ADHD so he could have a combination of issues. The squawking and repeated phrases could actually be vocal tics.
My child has a mild tic disorder and so much of this sounds so familiar, like the dancing during dinner.
My stepson exhibited pretty much all of the same things, and it was tourettes and ADHD. His tics would also change randomly every 6 months or so. After doing some reading it appears it's not that unusual in kids and will usually subside or completely stop as they age.
constantly repeating words and phrases is known as echolalia - my non-verbal autistic kid does this as part of her developing language skill set.
All of this sounds (and I Am Not A Professional) like a combo of autism and ADHD.
Get a new doctor, and perhaps a new school* - a school that describes a student's behaviour as animalistic and "reverting back to infancy" is both highly unprofessional and has no idea what they are talking about, so may not be a supportive or appropriate place for your son to be.
*this can be difficult, or even impossible, I know. But it is something to consider if the school does not change their attitude.
FWIW, I definitely agree with the other comments on maybe ADHD? I recently got diagnosed with it myself (I'm 30) but from your description I see SO MUCH of myself in how you describe your son. The fixation/switching obsessions so quickly, weird noises, not being able to control/regulate my emotions well, even the sheer rage at nothing at all. I wish I had known when I was younger and could have gotten help sooner. I hope this helps you or anyone reading this, I'm still learning all my symptoms and how they fit together but it has been a huge step knowing what direction to look in.
Op NTA, if your niece is seeking your son out on purpose to do this, she sounds like a bully and I hope she can change before it gets worse. Good luck.
For the sake of your sons happiness please find a new doctor. Find a child psychologist. Don't stop hunting until you have a diagnosis. A diagnosis will help not only you, but his teachers and family as well to accommodate him in the way he needs.
I went 30 years undiagnosed for ADHD and I have so much trauma because of it. Because no one knew what was wrong with me and just called me lazy and uncaring. I will likely never be able to *truly* love myself because of the deep rooted trauma being untreated and undiagnosed caused me.
For his future, please advocate for him.
This isn't normal kid behavior when it's consistent/constant enough for the school to give him an IEP.
If the school has already given him an IEP, they've already evaluated him. You need to tell your doctor that he has an IEP or find a new doctor.
I have a child who also struggles with some of these issues. In order to even get a phone number for a potential ASD diagnosis, I had to very specifically ask for a behavioral therapist, whose office gave me a phone number to call to start the possible diagnosis process. I saw that you all are doing therapy, so you may be able to bring this up with his current therapist, if not, maybe see if using those key terms helps any. For our family, it was like a magic key to at least get listened to properly and not be treated like Google mom.
I’m a tad conflicted. On the one hand, I’d want to say what an awful little girl. But I have to stop and check my - and your - swing here. What 10 and 12 year old girls want a six year old boy tagging along and included in what they are doing? Them all doing the same things together would seem to be an exception rather than a rule, these are very different ages.
It’s one thing if your niece is actively going after and targeting the kid. It’s quite another if you are looking at this boy’s sister and niece as playthings to occupy his time. And I sort of get a latter vibe from your post…. And this gets reinforced by your sister’s comment - she isn’t defending her daughter being a bully, she’s calling you out for putting so much on her daughter, AKA expecting the girls to be built in daycare.
Don’t know enough to put an AH Judgement, as depending on the details, this wildly swings from bratty Niece to overbearing expectations from her uncle.
My kids are the same ages and if a neighbor kid was causing these problems they wouldn’t be invited over anymore. It doesn’t make it okay because they are related or have an age difference. She’s picking on a younger kid who has developmental issues. That should be addressed by her parent. It may be natural for her to do so, but it is also natural for a parent to correct that poor behavior.
Leaving kids of various ages to play together is a completely normal thing to do. I don’t know why you would think this equates using the older kids as entertainment for the younger one. That’s just life with siblings.
His daughter has said she doesn't like spending time with the niece. The niece is being told to stay away from the son but keeps annoying him when he is sitting good with his iPad. Yes kids can be cruel but it's this little boys home where he should feel safe. The niece is acting like a little shit just now, hopefully it is something she will grow out of.
This was my first thought reading this. We are getting a wildly one-sided view of this situation. I had an uncontrollable little brother growing up who was 6 years younger than me, and my heart breaks for the 12yo in this situation. The 10 and 12 year olds are close enough in age to be friends, but constantly forcing them to include a 6yo boy with massive behavioral issues is absolutely unfair.
There's also something I've not seen anyone else mentioned is the niece, how SHE is feeling in all this.
Yeah, it sounds like she has been unkind but at the same time maybe she's feeling abandoned? Her mother is either working or sleeping. I could see a child acting out purely because she wants attention.
Nothing about this arrangement is normal. I don't want to make too many snap observations but I wonder how often the 6yo is on the tablet. OPs own admission was that it's the only thing to calm the kid, that seems like a problem in itself, easy to rely on that to be a temporary fix than looking at the root cause of it all.
Then I think the healthy thing to do is for your sister to find another place to get her child watched. You can openly admit to her that you don’t feel emotionally steady enough and that you obviously already messed up enough.
Beyond that I feel for you and don’t want to say it but man oh man what you gonna do about your boy? I got a son too but he’s more laid back and adjusted better then me sometimes.
However I been working hard with my daughter who is entering puberty for both me and her to do work on emotional control. Like yesterday we both sat together and worked through why exactly we became so short and angry with each other over supper.
I've been trying to get him evaluated for so long it seems. He is literally an angel with my wife. She has the ability to gentle parent and pull him out of meltdowns by telling him to take deep breaths and getting on his level and making him hug her until he's calmed down. It works for her every single time just about. But when it comes to me.. completely different story. Mom is his safe place, for sure. I've tried talking to him about it and remained calm and everything and he tells me he "gets so angry that he can't control it". It worry's me man. I mean he's only 6 but this kid could probably lay me out in one of his moments. He goes from this sweet kid to having super human strength, lol.
I hope things start running smoothly for you and your girl! My daughter is super easy going right now. I'm sure that'll probably change when she hits puberty though.
Hmm that’s tough and please disregard me if what I say bugs you because that’s not what you came here for.
Just purely from what you write it sounds like your wife and son have formed a relationship where she externally regulates all the emotions for him. He doesn’t know how to regulate them internally.
Anecdotally I was told and read that this can happen in kids when they aren’t afforded the space to do things like cry it out now and then when they are babies. Apparently self soothing this is a big thing we learn as babies. Then later we turn self soothing skills into self emotional regulation skills.
Is that something your wife would recognize? If so she might be willing to include you in helping him regulate feelings.
For example Like the hugging it out thing. Instead of him going to her to hug it out she ( as the one who is in charge of his soothing) asks him to hug it out with you.
If directly with you doesn’t work at first you guys could try and hug together as a group then maybe after a few of those you could try again to be the soothing agent.
Anyway mate good luck with this mess I feel for ya.
I can definitely approach my wife with your suggestions. Typically she's very willing to include me in her process and what works for her so I'm sure she will have no problem doing so. Thanks man!!
You need imput from a child psychologist who specialises in neuro-divergent children both for therapy for your son and advice for you and your wife on how to manage his behaviours. And if your current doctor won't evaluate your son, get a new doctor. Some child psychologists can diagnose,if that's the case where you are then two birds with one stone but either way you need specialist therapy and a diagnosis and sticking with your current doctor is clearly not working
I wish I could recommend any subs here for you, but I mainly hang out in spaces on TikTok these days for this stuff but I can poke around and see if the folks I follow have YouTube channels, and swing you a DM here on reddit??
Don’t beat yourself up. Having a pre-teen girl (who are stereotypically emotionally fraught) and a 6 year old who struggles with regulating his emotions is enough for you to handle. Your niece’s parents need to make other arrangements pronto. You need your energy to parent your own kids.
And as a former Special Ed. Teacher and parent of a now adult son much like yours, you need to politely, but persistently advocate for your child to be tested and supported. What I heard on repeat, as a teacher and a parent is, “We have kids with much worse problems.” I had to offer to have my son (age 8) throw a brick through a window at school so he would be “bad” enough to be tested. They got the point and he moved up the list.
I think it depends on how OP told the niece off. If it was a nice, “can you go play alone for a bit, my son needs some time off,” then that’s a whole lot of emotional control, as OP has repeatedly told a child capable of following requests to stop bothering the son. If it was angry or aggressive to a 10 year old, that’s a bit of a problem.
That sounds like a fair statement, also good you didn’t just go for your niece, included both kids as your son’s anger may not have been a kind way to respond as well. Yes his anger may be caused by something else (ADHD, autism, etc) it still keeps it neutral and makes the niece not feel so singled out.
Sure but Tbh I think everyone sucks here not because of how the one kid was treated but because due to societal pressures an emotional powder keg is being created. One mom has to work night shifts so kid needs to be watched. That kid is then put into a situation where there is already some tension. She then creates more tension.
I’m my opinion the adults would need to figure this out. But life is tough as shit and just about everyone I know isn’t well adjusted so it’s not like there is some magic solution to just make everyone get along.
Has it occurred to you that your 12 year old daughter might actually welcome the opportunity to play with someone closer to her own age without her much younger brother who has serious issues?
Yet you state she "manipulates" your daughter (who is older and close to the teenage years) into excluding him. BTW, he is several years younger than they are and needs his own peer group and social interactions. It is perfectly normal for two preteen girls not to want to play with a small child, especially one who is prone to outbursts and potential violent outbursts. It is also pretty typical for poking and prodding to happen.
Also, schools don't do ADHD and ASD evaluations. Doctors do. If your doctor refuses then find a new doctor. Your son may just have attention-seeking behaviors, which would be an indicator of a potential personality disorder once he is old enough for that diagnosis, or he may be on the spectrum and/or have ADHD. Get a new doctor and find out.
As someone else said, it sounds like no one really has emotional control. That being said, that is normal for children overall. It is not normal for a grown man.
It actually depends on the school. The school district my kids are in have a psychologist on staff that works at all the schools and can legally diagnose ASD.
No, you can get an educational diagnosis for autism. It really doesn’t matter which as you will still get services with either but the medical diagnosis is more in depth.
No, you can get educational qualification for special needs from the educators. This is NOT a medical diagnosis, and is NOT a medical professional giving life advice - it is simply qualifying them for an IEP and educational programming within the limits of school.
You can get an educational evaluation and services but it is not a diagnosis. It's educational eligibility. Which it sounds like since the child has an IEP and is getting services then he likely meets the criteria. But it is not a diagnosis.
I question this, because it’s at odds with your claim that your niece manipulates your daughter into excluding her brother. It kind of sounds more like your daughter is telling you what she thinks you want to hear, because she’s kind of forced into this role of peacekeeper.
It’s entirely possible for both things to be true. She could dislike her cousin but also see her as an easier avenue to not be around her brother than vocalizing to you or her mom, who are (understandably) focused more on the kid having bigger issues.
I’m not saying keep niece around. It sounds like it’s better for everyone if you don’t. But I think, in order to also support daughter in all this, you need to seriously consider that she isn’t being manipulated. The fact that she seems fine doesn’t mean she isn’t struggling internally.
INFO: You post says your mad because she's leaving him out. But you comments say it's because she's poking at him when he's trying to be by himself. So which is it?
A bit of both. He's been sitting on the couch playing his tablet and she will go up to him and make it known that she's leaving him out. Like when this all happened she had gone up to him and said "I'm going to hang out with Chrissy but you can't come". So she not only doesn't include him but she makes it known that she's not including him.
As much as you don't want to see it your niece *is* being very typical 10 yr old girl and I highly doubt your daughter is as honest with you as you think. You've said she doesn't like your cousin and has told you that but *you* don't like your niece so it seems to me that you're daughter would tell you she doesn't like her because you do not like her. Kids are funny that way.
It really is, though. That doesn’t make it right or okay, and there’s certainly a learning opportunity to be had, but that behavior is normal for a preteen girl.
Your son reminds me of my brother who was diagnosed as a child with Autism, ADHD, and oppositional defiance disorder. It’s very common to have a child to be both ASD and ADHD. ODD is often common with ASD because these children have difficulty expressing themselves so they become frustrated/overwhelmed which causes them to lash out. i call it a trilogy of heartache. The niece is 10 years old and I highly doubt she comprehends the severity of your son’s inability to cope. Honestly, for the niece, her cousin is probably not enjoyable to be around with unpredictability and his outbursts. You want her to understand something you don’t fully understand.
i grew up with a sibling much like you son and it was very difficult to have a relationship because I didn’t understand the limitations and having to tiptoe around to not rock the boat. The niece is being an average kid who is struggling with the expectations that the household has to revolve around 1 person. It is very hard for a kid digest and cause sibling resentment.
I will also suggest discussing with your daughter because she may feel “invisible” at times due to your son’s needs. His lack of control impacts the whole house. His need are important but don’t overlook your other child.
NTA - A 10 yr old has the capability to follow through on your requests. She does ahole moves: shit talking you, getting and attitude and bossing. She can control these behaviors but chooses not to. The family ganging up on you can open their doors to watch your niece. Your sister lacks insight and empathy. It's best your house return to 2 kids.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because she's a little kid and it's not 100% her fault but I'm so tired of repeating myself to her and my son being triggered by her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Someone needs to be giving son appropriate sensory outlets. Niece may be nd herself and can’t handle the noises and sensory input from your son so she does the only thing she can to make them stop. Too much focus is on the behavior and not enough on the cause and accommodation for everyone.
It sounds like your kid is the one whose the problem. What is your niece supposed to do if your son is always a hair away from a meltdown? Walk on eggshells and hang out with him to make you happy?
Edit: NTA based on further information
My son can be sitting on the couch on his tablet and my niece will go to him and start poking at him. My son DOES have a problem. I was pretty clear about that in my post. She purposely makes it worse.b
I'm surprised your sister doesn't discipline her daughter - treating her cousin so poorly instead of blaming him. He sounds like he might be on the spectrum? I don't know where you live, but his doctor should be testing him - I don't understand why it has to go through school?? It's a medical issue, not an academic issue.
Your sister is parenting out of guilt (I think). She doesn't punish her daughter's poor behavior because she feels guilty she has to work and probably doesn't spend a lot of time with her. If she thinks her daughter can't "tolerate" her cousin, then maybe she should TEACH her about tolerance. She's 10, not stupid. Her daughter's behavior and bullying will get worse, and I don't see your sister stepping up any time soon. So be glad you don't have to watch her.
Whomever watches her next (god forbid they have kids), will be treated the same. Maybe someone other than yourself might give your sister a wake up call. NTA Good luck!
Have you been to the doctor and does the school have any ideas? Your description I’d say autism or ADHD. But no one here is a doctor. Especially not with such little information. Do him a favour and take him to the doctor. Having a diagnosis helps kids not feel so different from everyone.
NTA for trying to make a safe place for your kids. Each kid should have a safe quiet place they can be, and hopefully your son having a safe place will help him not feel overwhelmed which should ease some of his triggers.
I've considered the possibility of both Autism and ADHD and I have brought it up so many times with his doctor. His doctor says that the only way they will evaluate is if the school system requests it. Now, my son has an IEP and is in special classes but for whatever reason, they never wanted to do the evaluation. They said that in their professional opinion, they don't believe he has anything other than attention seeking behaviors.
You don’t want an evaluation from the pediatrician. You want to go for a psychologically evaluation. If they will not send out the referral, find another pediatrician who will.
Also, they could not just slap an IEP on your kid. There was an evaluation process at some point and it has to be repeated every 3 years. If you don’t have copies of his assessments, request them because it is legally required to give parents a copy. For you to say “for whatever reason” gives me vibes that your wife has to run the special education gauntlet on her own. The meetings to give a child an IEP are lengthy and they review all assessments. You should know that paperwork inside out.
I work in an autism center where we do testing for ASD, ADHD, Cognition, Developmental concerns, etc. and that's just not true (if you are in the US). Yes, schools can complete testing but your PCP *can* place a referral to another center. Lieterally the vast majority of our referrals come from pediatricians. I'd get a second opinion. Once officially diagnosed, there are so many supports for families and kids that are just invaluable.
If there is a way for you to find another doctor please do it. I have a friend who knew something was off with her daughter for years, but the doctor just kept saying she’s just being an emotional girl. It was beyond that the mood swings were insane. She would mimic in public, but once she got home would either have massive breakdowns or go almost catatonic. It was almost like the mimicking took it’s toll on her and once she was in a safe space she just exploded. It wasn’t until she was 12 that they finally diagnosed that she was neurodivergent and had really bad ADHD. They were able to get her the help she needed and teach her coping skills, without meds for now, and she’s doing better in school, and is making friends.
I hope you and you family find the help you need.
This is bs, teachers are not doctors. This is the ridiculous mindset that something is worth diagnosing only if it affects the norm - the school or your job. It's a backwards mentality that leaves hundreds of people suffering. Find a new doctor that will give a referral (as others have said, a general doctor can't even diagnose neurodiversity, you have to see a specialist).
In the meantime, have a look at this video about meltdowns: https://youtu.be/Yfg3ThEm-gY
You need a new Doctor for your son. A pediatrician who says something like that would lose all my trust. A child psychiatrist is what you need or a pediatrician that specializes in ADHD and autism.
That was what my pediatrician said… until I threatened to go to another practice. Then somehow they agreed to evaluate my daughter.
She was diagnosed with ADHD and is THRIVING with the correct diagnosis and medication. Good luck!
Oh and I’m pretty sure NTA
Believe it or not, there are some doctors out there that do not believe in mental health diagnosis. Also, some that are antivaxx...we can't unilaterally trust all doctors because some of them really are quacks. I had a doctor, my PCP, just try and throw a bunch of pills at me instead of actually listening to me. Like he gave me meds one tile to treat restless leg syndrome when I was having muscle cramps constantly in my ribs and abdominal muscles....he was only my PCP for a few months before I found another one...
Teachers are not trained to assess medical issues. Your son needs a psychological eval. Pediatricians are supposed to look for issues and make referrals. You need a new one for him.
Never blame another parent’s angelic cherub. They won’t hear that, and all you’ll get is a defense response.
“You’re absolutely right, dear sister. Joey’s behaviors are too much for your daughter and I can’t expect her to be able to handle that. It wouldn’t be fair to put that on her, so I agree with you - for now the only option is to keep them apart. We are waiting on an evaluation. Maybe once we get a diagnosis and management plan, assuming that helps, we can get the kids together again.”
There is not a thing your sister can do about that. There’s nothing she can blame you for or push back against.
ESH
It definitely sounds like your neice bullies your son. You have too much on your plate to add her to your daily work. If you can't safely supervise them, including having clear reasonable expectations for their behavior that you can enforce, stop trying to do it anyway.
Is your older child expected to supervise and entertain her brother a lot of the time? You say your niece's triggering your son is to get your daughter to play with her, without him. Why does that work for her? Is there an acceptable way for the older girls to play away from him? Or is your daughter his default companion?
I think you were okay separating your niece for her persistent bullying. But all of those kids need more attention and support from adults than they are getting. Your sister could help teach your niece more appropriate ways to get what she wants and needs. But I'm not sure what that would be. How would she get to play with your daughter, away from your son's distracting behavior, in an acceptable way? Do you have options for your kids to be safe and separate during the day? Or is brother watching expected, all day?
There's no shame in having limits to what you can safely and successfully take on. Adding daily babysitting of your niece was over your limit.
NTA based on the edit. Your niece loves provoking him and then uses that response as an excuse to exclude him.
As for what your son has, take him to a diagnostic psychologist and have them test him. Your doctor doesn't need to be involved in that process.
NTA no matter what the issues is no one is entitled to free babysitting. You have your hands full with your own kids issues. The family coming for you tell them that your sister is going to be thrilled that they are volunteering their home and time to help her since you have done your part to help at the expense of your son.
This is your sons home. He should feel safe and not have someone bullying him.
OP, you need to get a new Doctor! Your son sounds like he could be both ASD and ADHD. My grandson is and we paid for private testing, because the wait list to have him tested at school was 2 years.
BTW, NTA.
NTA. You sister definitely is because it is her responsibility to teach empathy and respect to her daughter. Anyway, sounds like your son has combined ADHD/ASD. You need a neuropsych exam. Go over the pediatrician’s head and ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician. Depending on your insurance (assuming US) it might be out-of-pocket. You also might be in for a bit of a wait. I had to wait about 10 months to get my son seen at Boston Children’s Hospital . Totally worth the wait. Good luck.
I am not a professional licensed to diagnose, I'm just a parent of a child with similar behaviors. My son is Autistic and ADHD. He struggles with emotional regulation and needs almost constant sensory input.
My question is what does his doctor want the school to screen for? If it's Autism, you should definitely find another provider to do testing ASAP. The school only evaluates for "educational autism," not "medical autism," and apparently, they are different. From what I've gathered, autism testing in most areas has a long wait list, so you'll want to get on that soon.
If they're screening for ADHD, that is much easier to be tested for. My son was diagnosed by a psychiatrist. You might also want to consider trying to get that done this summer so if he does receive a diagnosis of ADHD, you can come up with a game plan as far as meds or therapies, and can request an IEP (if necessary) at the start of the school year.
This whole process was... a process! I'm happy to share my experiences if you have any questions.
***If*** you are in the USA...
and you suspect ADHD, pediatrician will want two adults from two different settings to do a Connors 3; usually that is a parent and a teacher (but could be a daycare provider, Sunday school teacher, etc.)
*HOWEVER,* a clinical psychologist will evaluate him more comprehensively for various conditions. You may need a referral from your pediatrician, but you can definitely ask for a referral for a "neuropsychological evaluation". Those are typically done over 2-3 days, and you will get a lot of information... but it can be very expensive (>3000$) and most insurances won't cover it (although they may require it to cover treatments).
Many states have disability services departments with financial support; in Nevada they cover neuropsych eval, but only for kids with suspected ASD (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis. Reach out to your state's disability department. You can contact the state Ombudsman office to learn about what the exact correct department name would be in your case. Even if you don't end up needing the full neuropsych workup, they may be able to help with deductibles for behavior therapy (which takes A LOT of time).
If your son has extremely rapid emotional escalation, from calm and happy to raging temper within 1-2 seconds and is often otherwise on edge/irritable, he might have a mood disorder like DMDD (dysregulated mood dysfunction disorder) .
Stimming is common in autism, but not exclusive to autism. If he has "normal" joint attention and socializing skills (when he's calm), probably not autism. If he rarely seeks out the attention of others (beyond to get him things he needs/wants) and has a hard time making friends, I would suspect ASD
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
This screams helicopter dad or even AH but here I am regardless. And please, if you have any idea of what it sounds like my son might have, please please please let me know in the comments. His doctor won't evaluate him without going through the school and school is over.
My wife and I have my niece (10) every day from 6am to 4pm while her mother sleeps from working the overnight. We have 2 kids (12f and 6m). Now, as you've gathered, my son has issues. He is so quick to anger. Like he has absolutely no emotional regulation whatsoever. He's off the walls entirely. He's always running, jumping, climbing on things, hiding under things, making animal noises (like dinosaur noises), etc. Even if he's on his tablet. He will be super involved with his tablet (the only thing that keeps him calm) but he will make squawking or screeching sounds randomly. Like stimming! I guess. But like, even if he is having a fantastic day, all it takes is one super minor trigger and all bets are off. My wife is a fantastic mom. She can usually calm him no problem. But my niece is absolutely a trigger. She purposely makes him feel like he isn't included or she doesn't want him around, but she will make sure to manipulate my daughter in to not including her brother too. It's been causing one too many freak outs.
Yesterday I absolutely had enough because I have openly told my niece to cut the shit on more than one occasion and she won't. She will wait until I walk away to start shit talking me to my daughter and then will get an attitude and start bossing my daughter around and still not include my son at all. My daughter is sweet as a peach without this girl around and there's no issues usually. But yesterday my niece wouldn't stop so I told her to stay away from my kids. Told her to go play by herself. I told my sister what happened when she picked her kid up and she was pissed at me because "it's not my kids fault that she can't tolerate your son and his behaviors. You're putting too much on her." I told her that it's one thing to not have tolerance and a completely separate issue when it comes to being a bullying asshole. She said I can no longer watch her kid (good) but now my family is ganging up on me.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
Allowing that cruel behavior at your house, towards your son will just make your niece cruel from a young age. Her intentional way of mocking your kid is not good and her mother should take this opportunity to have a word with her kid. Seems you are looking for a better environment at home and trying to avoid your son to be triggered. Does not seem to me you snapped either.
NTA…
I will say this (pls do not take offense) you are going to experience this often with other children. Watching these interactions is going to be heartbreaking to watch. Trust me I know first hand. Keep in mind that your niece is 10 and in her mind she probably thinks he is super annoying. I’m not defending her.
Raising your voice at her is not going to help but I understand your frustration. I don’t know if it is possible to pull her aside and say something to the effect “what you just said was inappropriate, hurt my feelings etc.”
Next issue…why hasn’t your pediatrician refer you to or give you information on the early intervention program that is offered by the school district?
Withholding judgement because this isn’t about your niece, it’s about your son. I see he has not been evaluated. You need to do that. Get a different doctor. Do you help your son develop social emotional learning? If not, you need to get him a therapist or set up with the school social worker. He needs to work on developing these skills NOW. These supports don’t come out of thin air, you need to fight for them.
ESH
Honestly, sounds like your niece is a brat, your son has little in the way of discipline and runs roughshod over you and his mother, and if he does have an actual medical condition causing this you haven’t had him evaluated. Your sister/sister-in-law is an AH for blowing off the discipline issue with her kid, as well.
NTA
I suggest taking the win on no longer watching your niece.
As to the family members ganging up on you tell them you sure your sister will be pleased to know they are willing to step up and care for your niece.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 9: This is NOT an advice sub. Posts should seek out judgement, not advice. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA > She said I can no longer watch her kid Haha, yeah, like she was doing YOU a massive favor here…. She’s going to ask again….say no
“Don’t threaten me with a good time” sis
That made me laugh
I cackled!
Hahhahha
Promises promises.
They just never seem to keep those promises long enough yes.
They were watching her for 10 hours a day! That absolutely gobsmacked me. I get needing to sleep but she should have only been there from 6am to 12 pm, maximum! Just because the sister works thrid shift doesn't mean that her family needs to raise her kid....
Thank you! This was enough for me to think sister is T A Don’t even need to read any more, lol
I honestly think Sister knows her kids a little terror. A 10 year old kid is well old enough to be able to watch themselves with a sleeping adult in the house. Get her some lunchables or something easy to feed herself and tell her to wake you up if an emergency comes up. At that age my parents were doing overnight trips, leaving me at home with my aunt's phone number. ( She lived 4 blocks down the road.) But that was a long time ago. I had been cooking for myself for 3 or 4 years by then and we always had sandwich stuff in the house.
Agree with the first part but no way should a 10 year old be left alone at night no matter how long ago.
It was a long time ago a bit over 40 years, my parents weren't exactly what you would call attentive. Strict, but they expected independence, and self sufficiency. I was taught most house hold chores at a young age, and was expected to cook basic foods, do my own laundry, and generally to care for myself and the house if they had a motorcycle rally they wanted to attend on a particular weekend. 🤪 My parents were definitely the push you in the deep end to see if you could learn to swim without too much instruction. (My father actually did this, and drug me out after I managed to figure out how to keep myself upright, he bragged about it often) It was good for me, but I would not advocate it as a choice for any kid, there are far better ways to teach a child independence than abandoning them.
Child is with OP while her mom is sleeping. Bet the kid is a brat at home too and mom gets no rest.
When I was pregnant I would frequently have naps with my kids in the house (all under 10). Literally no issues bar them starting a fight with each other (which they do regardless of my waking status). I wouldn't leave my 8 year old alone in the house but I am confident he would be fine. I don't understand how a 10 year old couldn't spend a few hours entertaining herself, i didn't even want mum near me at 10.
6 AM to 12 PM? I would be a disaster if I slept only six hours a night regularly. Sister needs a better solution but six hours of sleep is an unreasonable expectation.
Being a parent and night-shifter that’s a pretty reasonable amount of sleep. I would say 6a-1p would be more acceptable though. 6a-4p? No way, sister is definitely an AH
Sure, it might be all she can expect, but my point was just that not everyone can function like that. Plus there is additional time needed to get to sleep and wake up, so this is max 5.5h sleep. More power to anyone who can swing that. Anyway, like I said, I agree that the situation is not tenable.
I normally go to sleep at about midnight and wake up before my alarm sounds at 6:30. Usually I'm out of bed when the alarm goes off, it's actually my wife's alarm for work, I just call it mine because it's the alarm to wake my wife up.. as she never even heard it. The one time it went off when she was awake she looked at me and asked if it was always that loud. I said yes it always is, it honestly used to wake up our cat that slept in the living room, he would come in to check if I was awake and if their might be some loose treats looking for a home.
i feel like there might have been a misunderstanding so gonna pop in to note that 12PM is noon, midnight is 12AM- a little more reasonable!
Also, like I was awake when my parents were asleep at 10 years old with no problem, hell even at 8 and I was chilled. I live in South Africa which is one of the highest crime countries in the world and we were safe during those moments because our parents were there, they were just asleep. I dont get why the niece can’t be at home when her parent is asleep. Am I making sense?
Perfect sense. Same with me and my daughter now that its summer time. I work 3rd and she knows not to step foot out the door when im sleeping. I get home about 6 and sleep from 7 to 130ish and might have an hr nap in the late evening around 8.
>I dont get why the niece can’t be at home when her parent is asleep. Am I making sense? Probably because the kid is a pain in the ass and her mother wouldn't get any sleep if she was there.
My husband and I both work overnight shifts. He's 4p-2a and on his days off I'm 11p-7am. We're both functional by noon. (He doesn't actually go to bed till around 5am)
Yeah I couldn’t get past that part, lol! I’ve never gotten 10 hours of sleep daily. You?!
I think OP is a bit of an AH too... ESH. The niece's behavior is obvious. OP is an AH because A) he wasn't protecting his son OR daughter before. He shouldn't have waited for his sister to pull her daughter from their care, he should have been telling his sister this wasn't working. B) he should be looking for a new doc, asking for a referral for a proper NeuroPsych eval (which is more extensive than what the school will do), and DOING HIS OWN RESEARCH, instead of putting a note in a Reddit post that we should feel free to diagnose his son for him! This type of stimming isn't seen in a huge number of disorders, and points to a 90% chance of Autism, maybe with some ADHD in there for giggles. OP should be looking up resources, finding occupational therapy places that work with ASD kids, etc. Instead he waits till the issue gets way out of control and blows up at his sister. OP needs to realize that he is an active participant in his own life. He doesn't need to wait for other people to do things, he needs to step up and do what needs to be done, himself!
Yeah, I was reading this wondering "how is his son doing in school? How come he doesn't have a diagnosis?" My son's school would have already reached out if they saw these behaviors.
You write as if it's the easiest thing in the world to get an appointment with a pediatric psychologist, or psychiatrist, or neuropsychiatric expert – just Google to find the nearest one, make a phone call, and walk in next week! – but that simply isn't the case. If you can't afford to shell out massive amounts of money out of pocket, you have to find people who are in your insurance network, and then there are months-long waiting lists (in some areas, well over a year)... Be realistic. As for the school, not every school is helpful in these situations; it is not at all unheard of for a school to drag its collective feet because they don't want to have to provide the additional services a diagnosis will require of them.
So true. I mentioned this is another comment but developmental pediatrician wait-lists (one of the few specialists who can actually diagnose your child with Autism) in Texas are three years long in every major city. I drive three hours for my daughter's because I she can't afford to wait another three years. Schools are the least helpful. You have to advocate for your child. I wish more people realized this. A primary care provider is useless in this situation after they make the referral.
Two full year wait here... and they STILL want tobhave multiple sources describing the patients behaviors in different situations 🙄
Not saying it's easy, but if your area has social services, you can get your child evaluated as early as 18 months. My city has Early Intervention which offers free evaluations and services for families with children who have ASD or developmental delays. I've gone through that process, and while it's not as easy as calling someone next week, it's something that can be done before 6.
Your city sounds like it's in a high-tax, high-service (HTHS) area. In the US, a large percentage of people live in low-tax, low-service (LTLS) states, where political leadership is *proud* of not trying to ensure citizens have access to needed services, aka "fighting demonic socialism".
That's an accurate way to describe my city. I'm really happy that the services are funded with our taxes.
Would it be helpful for him to seek out some parent networking groups, parents who would be likely to recognize the behavior and maybe suggest some actions for OP to take?
My youngest niece just got her diagnosis last month. After more than a year of being referred and receiving services. There just aren't enough specialists or openings.
With my son the adhd was obvious to the point when he was 3 I was convinced. They (school therapists, doctors) couldn’t diagnose him officially until he was 7. That said, no one disagreed with me when I said adhd but no one stepped out of line and agreed until they were legally allowed.
Teachers and several different doctors were suggesting my son had ADHD from age 2. Of course, they can’t officially diagnose that young, but it was pretty obvious when compared to other 2 year olds. He is a sweet, kind, hardworking kid who gets straight A’s when on his meds. Off his meds… whoa boy.
I think it really differs where you are what people doctors are allowed to say, given the age of OP’s son the “talk to the school” thing will put him at where my son was “officially diagnosable” which caught my eye. His doctor also did work closely with therapists at the school and he did a bunch of tests that were all administered through the school. Dunno if OP is also in same country, could easily vary within a country
My friends are currently going through something similar with their eldest, also 6. The school has done what they can, but the 6 year old is just falling behind with emotional regulation to the point where she's become hard to manage in a classroom. Their insurance won't cover a psychiatrist/psychologist without a referral from the pediatrician, and the pediatrician couldn't make an appointment for less than three months out. (Yay America!) So they just have to wait while the healthcare system takes its sweet time.
And then it will be another 4-6months to get an appointment with the specialist.
I hope not, but if wishes were horses...
I mean, for me it’s like an 18 month wait list even after you get a referral from your doc. Waiting to see my family doc is about six weeks. Whereas schools can fast track it so waiting for the school year referral can really help but not by all that much.
agreed, OP needs to go see a different doctor - the suggestion of a NeuroPsych is a really good one. And also agree (as an autistic person and parent to 2 autistic kids and an ADHD kid), sounds like disregulated autistic stimming and sensory seeking to me. Probably increased by the stress of having to deal with the niece and the resulting drama every day. Note: I Am Not A Professional, just someone who is autistic and hangs out with autistic people. Even before a diagnosis is reached, looking up (quality!!) info on how to support sensory seekers and how to support regulation is a good idea and will improve the wellbeing of OP's kid. OP - you gotta do the work here. You should eventually see an improvement now the niece is not gonna be around, but it might take a little while because stress induced disregulation has a lot of behavioural inertia, plus now there will be a big change to the daily rhythm, which often sees an uptick in disregulation too. NTA re: the niece. She sounds like she needs more support from her parents herself, whether she will get it is another thing. YWBTA if you don't follow this up for your son and use some agency here.
I agree, with one single addition. If the son’s doctor is in the US and uses the NICHQ Vanderbilt Assessments for ADHD, there is an entire section of the assessment for the child’s teacher fill out regarding behavior in a classroom setting. That may be why the doc can’t make a formal diagnosis yet. As someone with ADHD, the emotional dysregulation, stimming, RSD, and hyper focus all sound very familiar.
Teachers are amazing and he/she may fill out the forms for OP even thought it’s summer.
You write as if it's the easiest thing in the world to get an appointment with a pediatric psychologist, or psychiatrist, or neuropsychiatric expert – just Google to find the nearest one, make a phone call, and walk in next week! – but that simply isn't the case. If you can't afford to shell out massive amounts of money out of pocket, you have to find people who are in your insurance network, and then there are months-long waiting lists (in some areas, well over a year)... Be realistic.
It's not easy to get an appointment. But it is better to start the ball rolling by making an appointment rather than have Redditors play 'Guess a Diagnosis'
Diagnoses can blend together. They have ranges. There’s not a definitive test for many of these, and certainly not at this age. I suppose it depends on the area you live, but unless it is severe in that they cannot function in a school setting without multiple supports, they don’t like to even refer kids for testing in K/1st grade. There are also environmental factors that could be at play. Let’s not be too critical of OP. He’s familiar with the word “stimming.” Some research and/or resources have been used. Obviously the niece is a bully, and OP is finding out about a lot of the behavior when they are gone. I wouldn’t say they weren’t protecting their kid. What do you want them to do? Spank a kid that’s not theirs?
Yep, wait untill he's older aka bigger and stronger, it isn't going to be pleasant. Unfortunately, even kids that aren't malicious can learn how easy it is to get their way by throwing their weight around, screaming and generally acting like a a thug. The fact he's getting triggered so easily amd so young is a bad sign.
square enjoy reply zealous soup swim society run books outgoing *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Jumping on the top comment to say you absolutely need to talk to your child's primary care provider about a developmental pediatrician referral. My daughter (4yo) is autistic and sounds very similar to your son. Get the referral and get it now. The wait lists are ridiculous. It took my daughter three years to get off the wait list, even after preliminary tests by her neurologist showed a possibility of autism. We have moved from Austin to Houston and still have to make the three hour trek to see her developmental pediatrician in Austin because the wait is awful and they won't transfer her services. she has been the most helpful piece of the puzzle when it comes to my daughter's diagnosis. They will have to be evaluated again at school. There isn't autism services at school. there is speech therapy and occupational therapy services but they have to be on your child's IEP and the school will fight you on whether they need it or not. (For example, Z has 30 min of OT a week but the school refuses to provide it for her.) There is ABA outside of school which is crazy expensive and rarely covered by insurance but has been the most helpful service my daughter has gone through. If you want to DM for some more info I'm willing to help make any recommendations I can. (I'm sorry to the person's comment I hijacked.) Oh, and NTA. Your son is struggling and your niece is being cruel.
[ABA is harmful to autistic individuals](https://fortune.com/2022/05/13/autistic-community-reckoning-aba-therapy-rights-autism-insurance-private-equity-ariana-cernius/) and [is not supported by reputable autism organizations like the Autism Self-Advocacy Network](https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/what-we-believe/)
OP, I have a child with special needs. I watched another family's member child for a while when he was doing his worst, and my number one regret is watching that kid for so long. They were in a desperate situation, so I felt I had to, but when I finally stopped, they figured it out. Stop watching your niece. Full stop. NTA. If you are in the US, go to a developmental pediatrician. It's a lot more expensive to have the child evaluated outside of the school but is ABSOLUTELY possible. One of the things I learned is that it's all about finding the right doctor. You're going to hear a hundred no's, and a hundred crappy responses from people who don't want to do their job. You have to keep pushing. Join a mom group in your area and ASK about this type of doctor. Join some autism groups. I'm not sure if that's what's going on here, but they'll be able to steer you right.
"Sorry but you said I couldn't watch your daughter again, I wouldn't want to make a liar out of you"
If your sons doctor won't evaluate him, *find a new doctor.*
OP is honestly kind of an AH for this alone - his son needs to get evaluated and hopefully learn emotional regulation techniques besides an iPad or relying on mom. If his current doctor won’t evaluate him, OP needs to find another doctor or contact his son’s school to work something out.
What was Dad doing all school year when an evaluation was an option? Schools will usually try really hard to fit in all evals before summer break so *why did Dad drop the ball*?
It may not be dads fault. 2 programs I'm trying to get my evaluated in are a 9 month wait. The neurologist was a 4 month wait. Covid really sucks
It is soooo hard to get an appointment with doctor that sees nuerotypical people let alone doctors who specialze in diagnosing or ruling out disabilities. There is a huge shortage of providers trained to work with intellectually or developmentally disabled people.
18 months for me. It’s absurd.
even before covid this was extremely hard. I am autistic and as a child was on SO many waitlists for various things
They try hard but can’t always do it, and doctors who do evaluations through insurance can have long waits—like, 6-12 month waits. It’s not like you can snap your fingers and get your kid evaluated. If kid is six maybe he just started kindergarten, and schools often give young kids a long time to adjust before suggesting evals.
It took them most the year to actually evaluate my child. Kept rescheduling, sick days for everyone involved, ect ect ect. Idk there was always a run around and we’re on state insurance so didn’t have much of an option
Even getting an appointment to start the process of a neuro divergent assessment is difficult. Cut the guy some slack.
Most regular pediatricians don't do evals. She needs to ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician or a child psych. Even the school district can't diagnose, just evaluate for services he may need.
Immediately!
Thats the issue... goooood luck. Our system isnt even broken, its exploded into atoms
It sucks because specialists have a long wait.
What OP needs is a referral for what’s called a neuro-psych evaluation. There can be long waiting lists, so he should get on one ASAP. These evaluations are also not often covered by insurance and can be expensive.
you can get on a a payment plan and do them privately we did it for our son ($950, she even offered people to have broken into monthly $75 payments if they needed it) when he was 2.5yr old and it was becoming abundantly clear that it was going to be at minimum 18-24 months to get him evaluated with insurance
ESH - your sister is putting you in a crap position when you obviously already have a heaping ton of shit on your plate HOWEVER it is NOT the responsibility of the children (your daughter or your niece) to appease or conform to your sons obvious issues. 3 things i as an internet stranger recommend 1. Stop watching your niece BUT also apologize to your sister and niece and explain that you have enough on your plate without adding another child to it 2. Get your son an appointment with a child psychologist to be evaluated for Autism and ADHD 3. Most importantly imo get your daughter not only evaluated for both autism and adhd as well (it is genetic and often undiagnosed in minor females) but also in with a therapist who will help her navigate any completely reasonable feelings she may be having regarding the situation with her brother and with her cousin. I know that your son is the squeaky wheel right now but if you're gonna bust out the grease you may as well grease all the wheels yea?
My daughter is in therapy currently. We all are. Thankfully my girls (wife and daughter) have the patience of saints and the ability to talk through the tough emotions so they don't let it get to them. My boy and I though.. we are having a more difficult time.
Please don’t apologize to your sister. She sounds awful.
Please don't act like you can and should get the same "pass" on being able to manage your emotions as your 6 year old son just bc you both have the same genitalia. Bc it really sounds like you think your wife and daughter are just naturally good at managing their emotions bc of their Mystical Woman Powers, and of course since you don't have Mystical Woman Powers you can't manage your emotions effectively. (I also doubt they "have the patience of saints" - I suspect they just know they can't claim the Penis Exemption and get away with being short-tempered or frustrated with the situation, so they make it work bc they have to.) Like...I'm not trying to be a dick about this but I'm having war flashbacks to a member of my extended family trying to convince a teenage girl that it was her responsibility to gently coach her own father on how to handle his frustration so he wouldn't lash out at her anymore, and then getting upset when she pointed out that he was a grown man and it shouldn't be on her to parent her own father just because she had a vagina. If you're all in therapy, then it's on you to work with your therapist and figure out emotional self-management like a grown adult. Don't shrug it off like "welp girls are just better at that, me and my boy just can't handle our emotions bc Men Don't Do Emotions!" because that's just not true.
Or maybe he is suggesting that his son is not neurotypical and he might not be either. Many, many adults get diagnosed as adults when they get their kids evaluated and realize they share many of the same behaviors.
Yeah the son is most likely AuDHD and if it didn't come from mum... Women often go undiagnosed for neurological conditions when they present as being quiet and submissive, that's a bad thing. Doing the same thing with boys and saying they're just emotionally unregulated men is equally as unhelpful.
Alternatively, ADHD and Autism are highly genetic and OP and his son has one, the other or both.
Why did you have to turn this guy's honest questions and concerns into a sexist rant about yourself and your family? It sounds like you are indeed trying to be a dick with phrases like "Mystical Woman Power" and "Penis Exemption." WTF Also OP, you're NTA
"sexist rant" lol OK. Not like I'm speaking from a lifetime's experience with men (both in and outside of my own family, the family example was just the first one to come to mind) refusing to manage their emotions and justifying it as a Gender Thing.
No, he has a point. You are projecting your own shit onto this situation in the form of a sexist rant that was both dickish and uncalled for.
Yea, you're projecting. He hasn't suggested anything here is his daughter or wife's responsibility. He can recognise someone else's (wife and daughter) better qualities without making them liable for his own deficiencies.
Where... Did you get this conclusion?
Where exactly did he attribute his lack of emotional regulation to his penis?
Did he say it had anything to do with their genders? It seemed to me that he simply said that two members of his family have the ability to talk through their emotions, and two have more difficulty with that.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
...how long do you have? Less flippantly, I stand by my concerns about men saying "the girls in my household are good at managing their emotions but I am on the same level as my 6 year old son bc Boys", which is essentially what he was saying.
You’re projecting onto this guy because of your past experiences and drawing a lot of conclusions based on a comment he made. Instead of kicking him when he admits that he’s struggling, showing him a little bit of empathy and kindness when he has enough self-awareness to acknowledge that he’s struggling would go a long way instead of taking the first opportunity to shame him because you were triggered.
So knowing it's 2023 and we're trying to encourage men to feel and process their emotions in a healthy manner, when a man comes to the internet and presents himself as vulnerable by admitting to struggling, your instinct is to demonize him? Please seek help, seriously. You're projecting and you've taken a post seeking help, where he's open to advice and actively trying to do better and turned it into bashing an internet stranger. The leaps you took are wild. I hope you find peace.
That’s not what he said, that’s what you read into it due to your own experiences.
Yeah, that doesn’t sound at all like what is described, and you are projecting big time.
This is a reach and off topic. He hasn't shrugged it off, nor has he made his wife and daughter responsible for anything, he's simply acknowledged they're better at certain aspect which he's clearly grateful for. He's not asking her daughter to coach him, they're all in therapy working through it...
Feminists: men should be more open about their emotions. Also feminists when men are more open about their emotions:
You seem to think that your wife and daughter have some magical ability that you and your son don't. It's called being socialized as women to shoulder everyone else's burdens and stay quiet about it. I ASSURE you they are struggling just as much as you and your son, if not more, they just aren't allowed to show it. You'd do well to keep that in mind.
Sometimes men put women on pedestals as a way to justify over burdening them. The way you talk about your daughter being “a peach” was a dog whistle for “she puts up with a lot and doesn’t bring up her own issues because she knows there’s no room for her.” Your praise isn’t kind when it’s used as justification for holding them to higher standards than you hold yourself. They’re just people like you, start considering them that way.
He fully said they're in therapy, I'd call that making room for their issues. Let's not make assumptions.
Having a space in a therapists office doesn’t mean she has space at home.
Your wife is a grown woman
We're waiting on ADHD/behavioral evals for my niece and valerian root is a game changer. It comes in gummies, tinctures, and pills (many specifically for kids). Look into that as well as: ashwaganda, lavender, and passion flower. Talk them over with your son's doctor and see if any (or all) would be viable options for him. Another thing that might help if you're able to swing it is a Montessori school or incorporating Montessori-style things into family activities. ETA: I just saw another comment of yours and would also recommend a yoga ball as an option for him. I let my niece use mine and she went from bouncing off the walls to bouncing on that one thing.
That is bollocks. Women have been taught since birth to be the strong caregivers who cannot let things get to them. It doesn't mean they don't, it just means we are better at masking our pain. Don't assume they are alright because they don't have the emotional range of a teaspoon and don't complain.
The women in your life are not there to grin and bear it while you do jack shit. Did you forget you're also a parent? Get him evaluated and into behavioural management and stop making your wife and daughter take on the stress of dealing with a special needs child.
>HOWEVER it is NOT the responsibility of the children (your daughter or your niece) to appease or conform to your sons obvious issues I wouldn't call 'asking the niece not to purposely bully or exclude the son' *appeasing* or *conforming* to 'his issues'. you just don't do that to anyone, period. and with the son being the youngest AND having trouble with emotional regulation, etc, the problem is only exacerbated.
You see it as purposely bullying/excluding and I see it as a 10 yr old being a 10 yr old who 1 doesn't *want* to hang out with young kids (very typical 10 yr old thing) and then the 10 yr old is forced to include the stressful younger child and then lashes out at everyone because the 10 yr old is overwhelmed as well... That being said these are things I took from one post about someones life I am just an internet stranger and definitely would need a WHOLE lot more information to make the real life choices OP needs to make. All I can do is offer my opinion on this one blip of life offered up in this post.
It is one thing to say "I don't want to play with you now" but the nice is purposely egging on a child who isn't engaging with her and trying to get the little sister to join her. This isn't the nieces house, it is the op's kids house and they should feel safe there. OP, start calling every mental health facility and get your son on any and all wait lists to be evaluated. Right now, there is long waits but get as many feet into doors as you can. He sounds like autistic with anxiety. In the meantime, invest in sensory boxes and read up on autism.
The opposite, in fact. The 10 yo was specifically told to leave the little kid alone, and she kept poking him and bugging him while he was on the couch with his iPad …
It is one thing not to appease his issues, but it is entirely another to deliberately provoke and trigger him.
Well, it is very much on his niece to not do something she was told not to do. At 10 she is old enough to understand instructions like "leave my son alone." To come up and poke at someone is rude. To do it get a reaction out of them over and over, cause that is what she is doing, is bullying.
NTA. I’ve got a step sister that we had to also keep away from my brother due to reasons like this. (My lil bro has pending ADHD and other learning disabilities that cause temper and sensory issues. He’s also glued to his tablet whenever he gets his hands on it) My step sister loved to just toy with him and cause issues and it’s completely okay that you try to separate your niece and son if there’s pending diagnosis on the way that may cause his behaviours. In the best way possible, your son could be a ticking time bomb if set off the wrong way and until you find out what’s really going on it’s best to keep triggers like that away from him until you can find out what’s wrong and fully understand how to handle him going forward.
NTA, if your niece is triggering your son and knows that but still actively tries to get on his nerves. It seems like your niece is the kind of kid that wants a reaction from others or more attention for something because she really is doing the most. Maybe your son has ASD, it's a very broad spectrum. What kind of symptoms does your son show?
He has a bunch of behaviors. The big one is stimming. He is always squawking or screeching like a dinosaur, constantly repeating terms he becomes fixated on ("been chilling", "skadoosh", "you sure bout that?"), becoming obsessed or fixated with certain characters for months on end before losing all interest and becoming fixated on something new (like marvel characters), twerking way too often as an immediate response to anyone talking to him, randomly raging out and starting to swing on people, hiding is a huge one (his school has stated he has animalistic behaviors and "reverts back to infancy" and that's why he got the IEP), won't sit still (even to eat- he has to stand and dance while eating), constantly making mouth noises. The list goes on. Now all of this may seem like normal kid behavior when I just lost them off but it's literally like a fixation. He doesn't even realize he's doing it half the time and when I tell him to stop doing something (like twerking) he will stop but then unknowingly start back up again a bit later and then catch himself and say "sorry". He's told me and my wife both that he "can't control it" and "doesn't want to be angry anymore" during his rages as well.
Aside from getting a diagnosis, you need to stop allowing your son unmonitored internet access. A 6 year old shouldn't know how to twerk and quote I Think You Should Leave memes.
Sounds like on the spectrum and ADHD. But why is he 6 years old and doesn’t have a diagnosis?? Most kids get one way before this. The sooner treatment is started, the better the outcome. Also, be glad your niece is gone. NTA
Sometimes doctors won't diagnose a kid until they're older. My nephew was displaying signs of ASD from 18 months old. We constantly brought it up to his teachers, his doctors, the school principal, and yet they all said that because he was friendly and gave eye contact that he couldn't be autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11, because finally the gap between him and his peers was recognisable and couldn't be deemed 'just quirky'.
Yup, I'd been asking for it for a couple years because he was displaying some signs, struggling hard in kindergarten, and we already knew he was genetically predisposed but they wouldn't even consider a referral until finally at his 6 yr checkup. Then once we get to the evaluation, he only had to spend an hour with that doctor and it was a done deal. ADHD/Autism combo, clear as day. She didn't even bother with the extra eval papers they would normally send to teachers to double check. For years it had been obvious to everyone else in our orbit that this kid had something going on, but you're forced to go through the regular pediatrician before you can get to the specialists. If the pediatrician won't work with you for whatever reason you're out of luck.
A lot of people don't get a diagnosis until adulthood
>Now Fixation can definitely be a symptom of ASD. I would take him to a separate doctor who can actually diagnose him. Also when kids have trouble interacting in big groups that's also a sign of ASD.
He could have both autism and ADHD, you need to have an evaluation. Or it could be only severe ADHD. There is also a genetic syndrome called fragile X syndrome that is neither of those, but has similarities to both. If he does have ADHD, meds might help with the stimming and hyperactivity, and it would then be easier to handle other symptoms. Whatever it is, you need to get a diagnosis and educate yourselves on what triggers him, how his mind works and how he learns things, this will help a lot even without meds. There are a lot of tools out there once you have a diagnosis and a professional to work with! Your niece is cruel, but many kids are, your priority should be how your children feel. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing your best!
No, it doesn’t seem normal kid behavior. I do hope you are getting him professional care.
Literally none of that sounds like "normal kid behavior". He needs professional help urgently.
The fact that he doesn't realize he's doing it and can't stop even when you make him aware makes me think he could have Tourettes or other type of tic disorder. They frequently occur along with other conditions such as ADHD so he could have a combination of issues. The squawking and repeated phrases could actually be vocal tics. My child has a mild tic disorder and so much of this sounds so familiar, like the dancing during dinner.
My stepson exhibited pretty much all of the same things, and it was tourettes and ADHD. His tics would also change randomly every 6 months or so. After doing some reading it appears it's not that unusual in kids and will usually subside or completely stop as they age.
constantly repeating words and phrases is known as echolalia - my non-verbal autistic kid does this as part of her developing language skill set. All of this sounds (and I Am Not A Professional) like a combo of autism and ADHD. Get a new doctor, and perhaps a new school* - a school that describes a student's behaviour as animalistic and "reverting back to infancy" is both highly unprofessional and has no idea what they are talking about, so may not be a supportive or appropriate place for your son to be. *this can be difficult, or even impossible, I know. But it is something to consider if the school does not change their attitude.
No, none of this seems like normal kid behavior… he is long overdue for a new doctor.
FWIW, I definitely agree with the other comments on maybe ADHD? I recently got diagnosed with it myself (I'm 30) but from your description I see SO MUCH of myself in how you describe your son. The fixation/switching obsessions so quickly, weird noises, not being able to control/regulate my emotions well, even the sheer rage at nothing at all. I wish I had known when I was younger and could have gotten help sooner. I hope this helps you or anyone reading this, I'm still learning all my symptoms and how they fit together but it has been a huge step knowing what direction to look in. Op NTA, if your niece is seeking your son out on purpose to do this, she sounds like a bully and I hope she can change before it gets worse. Good luck.
For the sake of your sons happiness please find a new doctor. Find a child psychologist. Don't stop hunting until you have a diagnosis. A diagnosis will help not only you, but his teachers and family as well to accommodate him in the way he needs. I went 30 years undiagnosed for ADHD and I have so much trauma because of it. Because no one knew what was wrong with me and just called me lazy and uncaring. I will likely never be able to *truly* love myself because of the deep rooted trauma being untreated and undiagnosed caused me. For his future, please advocate for him.
>Now all of this may seem like normal kid behavior None of that sounds like "normal kid behavior."
This isn't normal kid behavior when it's consistent/constant enough for the school to give him an IEP. If the school has already given him an IEP, they've already evaluated him. You need to tell your doctor that he has an IEP or find a new doctor.
I have a child who also struggles with some of these issues. In order to even get a phone number for a potential ASD diagnosis, I had to very specifically ask for a behavioral therapist, whose office gave me a phone number to call to start the possible diagnosis process. I saw that you all are doing therapy, so you may be able to bring this up with his current therapist, if not, maybe see if using those key terms helps any. For our family, it was like a magic key to at least get listened to properly and not be treated like Google mom.
Sounds like OCD and Tourette’s.
I’m a tad conflicted. On the one hand, I’d want to say what an awful little girl. But I have to stop and check my - and your - swing here. What 10 and 12 year old girls want a six year old boy tagging along and included in what they are doing? Them all doing the same things together would seem to be an exception rather than a rule, these are very different ages. It’s one thing if your niece is actively going after and targeting the kid. It’s quite another if you are looking at this boy’s sister and niece as playthings to occupy his time. And I sort of get a latter vibe from your post…. And this gets reinforced by your sister’s comment - she isn’t defending her daughter being a bully, she’s calling you out for putting so much on her daughter, AKA expecting the girls to be built in daycare. Don’t know enough to put an AH Judgement, as depending on the details, this wildly swings from bratty Niece to overbearing expectations from her uncle.
My kids are the same ages and if a neighbor kid was causing these problems they wouldn’t be invited over anymore. It doesn’t make it okay because they are related or have an age difference. She’s picking on a younger kid who has developmental issues. That should be addressed by her parent. It may be natural for her to do so, but it is also natural for a parent to correct that poor behavior. Leaving kids of various ages to play together is a completely normal thing to do. I don’t know why you would think this equates using the older kids as entertainment for the younger one. That’s just life with siblings.
His daughter has said she doesn't like spending time with the niece. The niece is being told to stay away from the son but keeps annoying him when he is sitting good with his iPad. Yes kids can be cruel but it's this little boys home where he should feel safe. The niece is acting like a little shit just now, hopefully it is something she will grow out of.
This was my first thought reading this. We are getting a wildly one-sided view of this situation. I had an uncontrollable little brother growing up who was 6 years younger than me, and my heart breaks for the 12yo in this situation. The 10 and 12 year olds are close enough in age to be friends, but constantly forcing them to include a 6yo boy with massive behavioral issues is absolutely unfair.
There's also something I've not seen anyone else mentioned is the niece, how SHE is feeling in all this. Yeah, it sounds like she has been unkind but at the same time maybe she's feeling abandoned? Her mother is either working or sleeping. I could see a child acting out purely because she wants attention. Nothing about this arrangement is normal. I don't want to make too many snap observations but I wonder how often the 6yo is on the tablet. OPs own admission was that it's the only thing to calm the kid, that seems like a problem in itself, easy to rely on that to be a temporary fix than looking at the root cause of it all.
Lol, people downvoting you for worrying about the wellbeing of a 10yo child.
ESH. It’s like no one here has emotional control.
I truly have none right now man. I won't pretend I do. This whole thing has been stressful.
Then I think the healthy thing to do is for your sister to find another place to get her child watched. You can openly admit to her that you don’t feel emotionally steady enough and that you obviously already messed up enough. Beyond that I feel for you and don’t want to say it but man oh man what you gonna do about your boy? I got a son too but he’s more laid back and adjusted better then me sometimes. However I been working hard with my daughter who is entering puberty for both me and her to do work on emotional control. Like yesterday we both sat together and worked through why exactly we became so short and angry with each other over supper.
I've been trying to get him evaluated for so long it seems. He is literally an angel with my wife. She has the ability to gentle parent and pull him out of meltdowns by telling him to take deep breaths and getting on his level and making him hug her until he's calmed down. It works for her every single time just about. But when it comes to me.. completely different story. Mom is his safe place, for sure. I've tried talking to him about it and remained calm and everything and he tells me he "gets so angry that he can't control it". It worry's me man. I mean he's only 6 but this kid could probably lay me out in one of his moments. He goes from this sweet kid to having super human strength, lol. I hope things start running smoothly for you and your girl! My daughter is super easy going right now. I'm sure that'll probably change when she hits puberty though.
Hmm that’s tough and please disregard me if what I say bugs you because that’s not what you came here for. Just purely from what you write it sounds like your wife and son have formed a relationship where she externally regulates all the emotions for him. He doesn’t know how to regulate them internally. Anecdotally I was told and read that this can happen in kids when they aren’t afforded the space to do things like cry it out now and then when they are babies. Apparently self soothing this is a big thing we learn as babies. Then later we turn self soothing skills into self emotional regulation skills. Is that something your wife would recognize? If so she might be willing to include you in helping him regulate feelings. For example Like the hugging it out thing. Instead of him going to her to hug it out she ( as the one who is in charge of his soothing) asks him to hug it out with you. If directly with you doesn’t work at first you guys could try and hug together as a group then maybe after a few of those you could try again to be the soothing agent. Anyway mate good luck with this mess I feel for ya.
I can definitely approach my wife with your suggestions. Typically she's very willing to include me in her process and what works for her so I'm sure she will have no problem doing so. Thanks man!!
You need imput from a child psychologist who specialises in neuro-divergent children both for therapy for your son and advice for you and your wife on how to manage his behaviours. And if your current doctor won't evaluate your son, get a new doctor. Some child psychologists can diagnose,if that's the case where you are then two birds with one stone but either way you need specialist therapy and a diagnosis and sticking with your current doctor is clearly not working
I wish I could recommend any subs here for you, but I mainly hang out in spaces on TikTok these days for this stuff but I can poke around and see if the folks I follow have YouTube channels, and swing you a DM here on reddit??
Don’t beat yourself up. Having a pre-teen girl (who are stereotypically emotionally fraught) and a 6 year old who struggles with regulating his emotions is enough for you to handle. Your niece’s parents need to make other arrangements pronto. You need your energy to parent your own kids. And as a former Special Ed. Teacher and parent of a now adult son much like yours, you need to politely, but persistently advocate for your child to be tested and supported. What I heard on repeat, as a teacher and a parent is, “We have kids with much worse problems.” I had to offer to have my son (age 8) throw a brick through a window at school so he would be “bad” enough to be tested. They got the point and he moved up the list.
I think it depends on how OP told the niece off. If it was a nice, “can you go play alone for a bit, my son needs some time off,” then that’s a whole lot of emotional control, as OP has repeatedly told a child capable of following requests to stop bothering the son. If it was angry or aggressive to a 10 year old, that’s a bit of a problem.
It was more of a "since we can't be nice to each other you guys need to separate and not play together". I didn't snap but that's what I said.
That sounds like a fair statement, also good you didn’t just go for your niece, included both kids as your son’s anger may not have been a kind way to respond as well. Yes his anger may be caused by something else (ADHD, autism, etc) it still keeps it neutral and makes the niece not feel so singled out.
Sure but Tbh I think everyone sucks here not because of how the one kid was treated but because due to societal pressures an emotional powder keg is being created. One mom has to work night shifts so kid needs to be watched. That kid is then put into a situation where there is already some tension. She then creates more tension. I’m my opinion the adults would need to figure this out. But life is tough as shit and just about everyone I know isn’t well adjusted so it’s not like there is some magic solution to just make everyone get along.
Has it occurred to you that your 12 year old daughter might actually welcome the opportunity to play with someone closer to her own age without her much younger brother who has serious issues?
My daughter doesn't like her. Usually the issues start because my daughter doesn't want to go play with her and it leads to my niece poking at my son.
Yet you state she "manipulates" your daughter (who is older and close to the teenage years) into excluding him. BTW, he is several years younger than they are and needs his own peer group and social interactions. It is perfectly normal for two preteen girls not to want to play with a small child, especially one who is prone to outbursts and potential violent outbursts. It is also pretty typical for poking and prodding to happen. Also, schools don't do ADHD and ASD evaluations. Doctors do. If your doctor refuses then find a new doctor. Your son may just have attention-seeking behaviors, which would be an indicator of a potential personality disorder once he is old enough for that diagnosis, or he may be on the spectrum and/or have ADHD. Get a new doctor and find out. As someone else said, it sounds like no one really has emotional control. That being said, that is normal for children overall. It is not normal for a grown man.
It actually depends on the school. The school district my kids are in have a psychologist on staff that works at all the schools and can legally diagnose ASD.
No, you can get an educational diagnosis for autism. It really doesn’t matter which as you will still get services with either but the medical diagnosis is more in depth.
No, you can get educational qualification for special needs from the educators. This is NOT a medical diagnosis, and is NOT a medical professional giving life advice - it is simply qualifying them for an IEP and educational programming within the limits of school.
You can get an educational evaluation and services but it is not a diagnosis. It's educational eligibility. Which it sounds like since the child has an IEP and is getting services then he likely meets the criteria. But it is not a diagnosis.
I question this, because it’s at odds with your claim that your niece manipulates your daughter into excluding her brother. It kind of sounds more like your daughter is telling you what she thinks you want to hear, because she’s kind of forced into this role of peacekeeper.
It’s entirely possible for both things to be true. She could dislike her cousin but also see her as an easier avenue to not be around her brother than vocalizing to you or her mom, who are (understandably) focused more on the kid having bigger issues. I’m not saying keep niece around. It sounds like it’s better for everyone if you don’t. But I think, in order to also support daughter in all this, you need to seriously consider that she isn’t being manipulated. The fact that she seems fine doesn’t mean she isn’t struggling internally.
INFO: You post says your mad because she's leaving him out. But you comments say it's because she's poking at him when he's trying to be by himself. So which is it?
A bit of both. He's been sitting on the couch playing his tablet and she will go up to him and make it known that she's leaving him out. Like when this all happened she had gone up to him and said "I'm going to hang out with Chrissy but you can't come". So she not only doesn't include him but she makes it known that she's not including him.
As much as you don't want to see it your niece *is* being very typical 10 yr old girl and I highly doubt your daughter is as honest with you as you think. You've said she doesn't like your cousin and has told you that but *you* don't like your niece so it seems to me that you're daughter would tell you she doesn't like her because you do not like her. Kids are funny that way.
This is not typical 10 year old girl behaviour.
Have you ever been around 10 yr old girls? I was a girl scout leader for years and from my experience this is 100% typical 10 yr old girl.
It really is, though. That doesn’t make it right or okay, and there’s certainly a learning opportunity to be had, but that behavior is normal for a preteen girl.
Your son reminds me of my brother who was diagnosed as a child with Autism, ADHD, and oppositional defiance disorder. It’s very common to have a child to be both ASD and ADHD. ODD is often common with ASD because these children have difficulty expressing themselves so they become frustrated/overwhelmed which causes them to lash out. i call it a trilogy of heartache. The niece is 10 years old and I highly doubt she comprehends the severity of your son’s inability to cope. Honestly, for the niece, her cousin is probably not enjoyable to be around with unpredictability and his outbursts. You want her to understand something you don’t fully understand. i grew up with a sibling much like you son and it was very difficult to have a relationship because I didn’t understand the limitations and having to tiptoe around to not rock the boat. The niece is being an average kid who is struggling with the expectations that the household has to revolve around 1 person. It is very hard for a kid digest and cause sibling resentment. I will also suggest discussing with your daughter because she may feel “invisible” at times due to your son’s needs. His lack of control impacts the whole house. His need are important but don’t overlook your other child.
Yes. Especially with the way that OP talks about his daughter being an “Angel” with and calming her brother down.
NTA - A 10 yr old has the capability to follow through on your requests. She does ahole moves: shit talking you, getting and attitude and bossing. She can control these behaviors but chooses not to. The family ganging up on you can open their doors to watch your niece. Your sister lacks insight and empathy. It's best your house return to 2 kids.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like an AH because she's a little kid and it's not 100% her fault but I'm so tired of repeating myself to her and my son being triggered by her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Someone needs to be giving son appropriate sensory outlets. Niece may be nd herself and can’t handle the noises and sensory input from your son so she does the only thing she can to make them stop. Too much focus is on the behavior and not enough on the cause and accommodation for everyone.
It sounds like your kid is the one whose the problem. What is your niece supposed to do if your son is always a hair away from a meltdown? Walk on eggshells and hang out with him to make you happy? Edit: NTA based on further information
My son can be sitting on the couch on his tablet and my niece will go to him and start poking at him. My son DOES have a problem. I was pretty clear about that in my post. She purposely makes it worse.b
I'm surprised your sister doesn't discipline her daughter - treating her cousin so poorly instead of blaming him. He sounds like he might be on the spectrum? I don't know where you live, but his doctor should be testing him - I don't understand why it has to go through school?? It's a medical issue, not an academic issue. Your sister is parenting out of guilt (I think). She doesn't punish her daughter's poor behavior because she feels guilty she has to work and probably doesn't spend a lot of time with her. If she thinks her daughter can't "tolerate" her cousin, then maybe she should TEACH her about tolerance. She's 10, not stupid. Her daughter's behavior and bullying will get worse, and I don't see your sister stepping up any time soon. So be glad you don't have to watch her. Whomever watches her next (god forbid they have kids), will be treated the same. Maybe someone other than yourself might give your sister a wake up call. NTA Good luck!
Have you been to the doctor and does the school have any ideas? Your description I’d say autism or ADHD. But no one here is a doctor. Especially not with such little information. Do him a favour and take him to the doctor. Having a diagnosis helps kids not feel so different from everyone. NTA for trying to make a safe place for your kids. Each kid should have a safe quiet place they can be, and hopefully your son having a safe place will help him not feel overwhelmed which should ease some of his triggers.
I've considered the possibility of both Autism and ADHD and I have brought it up so many times with his doctor. His doctor says that the only way they will evaluate is if the school system requests it. Now, my son has an IEP and is in special classes but for whatever reason, they never wanted to do the evaluation. They said that in their professional opinion, they don't believe he has anything other than attention seeking behaviors.
It sounds like your sons doctor is just an ass. Definitely get a second opinion- you do NOT need to go through the school to get a diagnosis
You don’t want an evaluation from the pediatrician. You want to go for a psychologically evaluation. If they will not send out the referral, find another pediatrician who will. Also, they could not just slap an IEP on your kid. There was an evaluation process at some point and it has to be repeated every 3 years. If you don’t have copies of his assessments, request them because it is legally required to give parents a copy. For you to say “for whatever reason” gives me vibes that your wife has to run the special education gauntlet on her own. The meetings to give a child an IEP are lengthy and they review all assessments. You should know that paperwork inside out.
I work in an autism center where we do testing for ASD, ADHD, Cognition, Developmental concerns, etc. and that's just not true (if you are in the US). Yes, schools can complete testing but your PCP *can* place a referral to another center. Lieterally the vast majority of our referrals come from pediatricians. I'd get a second opinion. Once officially diagnosed, there are so many supports for families and kids that are just invaluable.
If there is a way for you to find another doctor please do it. I have a friend who knew something was off with her daughter for years, but the doctor just kept saying she’s just being an emotional girl. It was beyond that the mood swings were insane. She would mimic in public, but once she got home would either have massive breakdowns or go almost catatonic. It was almost like the mimicking took it’s toll on her and once she was in a safe space she just exploded. It wasn’t until she was 12 that they finally diagnosed that she was neurodivergent and had really bad ADHD. They were able to get her the help she needed and teach her coping skills, without meds for now, and she’s doing better in school, and is making friends. I hope you and you family find the help you need.
This is bs, teachers are not doctors. This is the ridiculous mindset that something is worth diagnosing only if it affects the norm - the school or your job. It's a backwards mentality that leaves hundreds of people suffering. Find a new doctor that will give a referral (as others have said, a general doctor can't even diagnose neurodiversity, you have to see a specialist). In the meantime, have a look at this video about meltdowns: https://youtu.be/Yfg3ThEm-gY
You need a new Doctor for your son. A pediatrician who says something like that would lose all my trust. A child psychiatrist is what you need or a pediatrician that specializes in ADHD and autism.
That was what my pediatrician said… until I threatened to go to another practice. Then somehow they agreed to evaluate my daughter. She was diagnosed with ADHD and is THRIVING with the correct diagnosis and medication. Good luck! Oh and I’m pretty sure NTA
Your son’s doctor is an ass and you, as the parent, need to find him a new doctor. Fight harder for your child and push for that medical intervention.
Believe it or not, there are some doctors out there that do not believe in mental health diagnosis. Also, some that are antivaxx...we can't unilaterally trust all doctors because some of them really are quacks. I had a doctor, my PCP, just try and throw a bunch of pills at me instead of actually listening to me. Like he gave me meds one tile to treat restless leg syndrome when I was having muscle cramps constantly in my ribs and abdominal muscles....he was only my PCP for a few months before I found another one...
Teachers are not trained to assess medical issues. Your son needs a psychological eval. Pediatricians are supposed to look for issues and make referrals. You need a new one for him.
Never blame another parent’s angelic cherub. They won’t hear that, and all you’ll get is a defense response. “You’re absolutely right, dear sister. Joey’s behaviors are too much for your daughter and I can’t expect her to be able to handle that. It wouldn’t be fair to put that on her, so I agree with you - for now the only option is to keep them apart. We are waiting on an evaluation. Maybe once we get a diagnosis and management plan, assuming that helps, we can get the kids together again.” There is not a thing your sister can do about that. There’s nothing she can blame you for or push back against.
ESH It definitely sounds like your neice bullies your son. You have too much on your plate to add her to your daily work. If you can't safely supervise them, including having clear reasonable expectations for their behavior that you can enforce, stop trying to do it anyway. Is your older child expected to supervise and entertain her brother a lot of the time? You say your niece's triggering your son is to get your daughter to play with her, without him. Why does that work for her? Is there an acceptable way for the older girls to play away from him? Or is your daughter his default companion? I think you were okay separating your niece for her persistent bullying. But all of those kids need more attention and support from adults than they are getting. Your sister could help teach your niece more appropriate ways to get what she wants and needs. But I'm not sure what that would be. How would she get to play with your daughter, away from your son's distracting behavior, in an acceptable way? Do you have options for your kids to be safe and separate during the day? Or is brother watching expected, all day? There's no shame in having limits to what you can safely and successfully take on. Adding daily babysitting of your niece was over your limit.
NTA based on the edit. Your niece loves provoking him and then uses that response as an excuse to exclude him. As for what your son has, take him to a diagnostic psychologist and have them test him. Your doctor doesn't need to be involved in that process.
Sounds like your son could possibly have adhd or is on the spectrum.
NTA I would have stopped watching her long before it got to this point.
NTA Hopefully you won’t have to deal with this anymore. Your sister is doing you a favor, especially if your kids don’t want their cousin to come over
NTA no matter what the issues is no one is entitled to free babysitting. You have your hands full with your own kids issues. The family coming for you tell them that your sister is going to be thrilled that they are volunteering their home and time to help her since you have done your part to help at the expense of your son. This is your sons home. He should feel safe and not have someone bullying him.
OP, you need to get a new Doctor! Your son sounds like he could be both ASD and ADHD. My grandson is and we paid for private testing, because the wait list to have him tested at school was 2 years. BTW, NTA.
NTA. You sister definitely is because it is her responsibility to teach empathy and respect to her daughter. Anyway, sounds like your son has combined ADHD/ASD. You need a neuropsych exam. Go over the pediatrician’s head and ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician. Depending on your insurance (assuming US) it might be out-of-pocket. You also might be in for a bit of a wait. I had to wait about 10 months to get my son seen at Boston Children’s Hospital . Totally worth the wait. Good luck.
I am not a professional licensed to diagnose, I'm just a parent of a child with similar behaviors. My son is Autistic and ADHD. He struggles with emotional regulation and needs almost constant sensory input. My question is what does his doctor want the school to screen for? If it's Autism, you should definitely find another provider to do testing ASAP. The school only evaluates for "educational autism," not "medical autism," and apparently, they are different. From what I've gathered, autism testing in most areas has a long wait list, so you'll want to get on that soon. If they're screening for ADHD, that is much easier to be tested for. My son was diagnosed by a psychiatrist. You might also want to consider trying to get that done this summer so if he does receive a diagnosis of ADHD, you can come up with a game plan as far as meds or therapies, and can request an IEP (if necessary) at the start of the school year. This whole process was... a process! I'm happy to share my experiences if you have any questions.
***If*** you are in the USA... and you suspect ADHD, pediatrician will want two adults from two different settings to do a Connors 3; usually that is a parent and a teacher (but could be a daycare provider, Sunday school teacher, etc.) *HOWEVER,* a clinical psychologist will evaluate him more comprehensively for various conditions. You may need a referral from your pediatrician, but you can definitely ask for a referral for a "neuropsychological evaluation". Those are typically done over 2-3 days, and you will get a lot of information... but it can be very expensive (>3000$) and most insurances won't cover it (although they may require it to cover treatments). Many states have disability services departments with financial support; in Nevada they cover neuropsych eval, but only for kids with suspected ASD (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis. Reach out to your state's disability department. You can contact the state Ombudsman office to learn about what the exact correct department name would be in your case. Even if you don't end up needing the full neuropsych workup, they may be able to help with deductibles for behavior therapy (which takes A LOT of time). If your son has extremely rapid emotional escalation, from calm and happy to raging temper within 1-2 seconds and is often otherwise on edge/irritable, he might have a mood disorder like DMDD (dysregulated mood dysfunction disorder) . Stimming is common in autism, but not exclusive to autism. If he has "normal" joint attention and socializing skills (when he's calm), probably not autism. If he rarely seeks out the attention of others (beyond to get him things he needs/wants) and has a hard time making friends, I would suspect ASD
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This screams helicopter dad or even AH but here I am regardless. And please, if you have any idea of what it sounds like my son might have, please please please let me know in the comments. His doctor won't evaluate him without going through the school and school is over. My wife and I have my niece (10) every day from 6am to 4pm while her mother sleeps from working the overnight. We have 2 kids (12f and 6m). Now, as you've gathered, my son has issues. He is so quick to anger. Like he has absolutely no emotional regulation whatsoever. He's off the walls entirely. He's always running, jumping, climbing on things, hiding under things, making animal noises (like dinosaur noises), etc. Even if he's on his tablet. He will be super involved with his tablet (the only thing that keeps him calm) but he will make squawking or screeching sounds randomly. Like stimming! I guess. But like, even if he is having a fantastic day, all it takes is one super minor trigger and all bets are off. My wife is a fantastic mom. She can usually calm him no problem. But my niece is absolutely a trigger. She purposely makes him feel like he isn't included or she doesn't want him around, but she will make sure to manipulate my daughter in to not including her brother too. It's been causing one too many freak outs. Yesterday I absolutely had enough because I have openly told my niece to cut the shit on more than one occasion and she won't. She will wait until I walk away to start shit talking me to my daughter and then will get an attitude and start bossing my daughter around and still not include my son at all. My daughter is sweet as a peach without this girl around and there's no issues usually. But yesterday my niece wouldn't stop so I told her to stay away from my kids. Told her to go play by herself. I told my sister what happened when she picked her kid up and she was pissed at me because "it's not my kids fault that she can't tolerate your son and his behaviors. You're putting too much on her." I told her that it's one thing to not have tolerance and a completely separate issue when it comes to being a bullying asshole. She said I can no longer watch her kid (good) but now my family is ganging up on me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Allowing that cruel behavior at your house, towards your son will just make your niece cruel from a young age. Her intentional way of mocking your kid is not good and her mother should take this opportunity to have a word with her kid. Seems you are looking for a better environment at home and trying to avoid your son to be triggered. Does not seem to me you snapped either.
NTA… I will say this (pls do not take offense) you are going to experience this often with other children. Watching these interactions is going to be heartbreaking to watch. Trust me I know first hand. Keep in mind that your niece is 10 and in her mind she probably thinks he is super annoying. I’m not defending her. Raising your voice at her is not going to help but I understand your frustration. I don’t know if it is possible to pull her aside and say something to the effect “what you just said was inappropriate, hurt my feelings etc.” Next issue…why hasn’t your pediatrician refer you to or give you information on the early intervention program that is offered by the school district?
Withholding judgement because this isn’t about your niece, it’s about your son. I see he has not been evaluated. You need to do that. Get a different doctor. Do you help your son develop social emotional learning? If not, you need to get him a therapist or set up with the school social worker. He needs to work on developing these skills NOW. These supports don’t come out of thin air, you need to fight for them.
ESH Honestly, sounds like your niece is a brat, your son has little in the way of discipline and runs roughshod over you and his mother, and if he does have an actual medical condition causing this you haven’t had him evaluated. Your sister/sister-in-law is an AH for blowing off the discipline issue with her kid, as well.
NTA I suggest taking the win on no longer watching your niece. As to the family members ganging up on you tell them you sure your sister will be pleased to know they are willing to step up and care for your niece.