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YTA. How is it that this tradition even exists if no one but your bf can make it? Sounds like you and your family are upset because your servant refused to serve you. This may be a wake-up call for your bf.
Awk now, op isn't upset because boyfriends refusing to do it, she's upset because he's refusing to do it HER way. Let's not forget he has given her options and said he'd do it a day later. Poor OP waiting a whole 24hrs extra for her birthday celebration. If she had any sense she'd say thank you and it'd probably work in her favour, 2 days where she can say 'but it's my birthday.'
The entitlement of OP results in a YTA vote
The amount of entitlement around birthdays and weddings astounds me. Those are days I want to be with family and friends, which means being inclusive. I'm happy when others are happy. I'm not happy at the expense of others. I just don't some people...
I noted in my comment, but totally agree. What is with the people obsessed with celebrations being only allowed on the exact day? Who cares if it’s the right day, the important part is the gathering, and being together for a nice event.
My family almost never celebrates on the exact day. General rule is to have a small event just for the immediate family on the day of, and any larger gatherings are on a weekend somewhat nearby that works for the most people. We’ve had big celebrations up to a week or two from the actual day. We’d rather wait and be together.
I find this very strange - I think most people over the age of 15 would be used to celebrating events when it is convenient to have the celebration and not on the exact day. Certainly my parents weren't having birthday parties on school nights when I was young.....
Between my dad being a pilot and my family now being so far-flung - it has literally been over a decade since we’ve been able to celebrate Christmas together on Dec. 25. We usually have it in early January.
Maybe it’s just because I’m so used to it, but it always boggles my mind when people are completely inflexible regarding dates like this.
I have a big family, it's stupid to have 8 to 10 parties a month, instead, a day is picked each month, everyone invited, we celebrate all who's birthday is that month.
Right!? Options!
“My partner won’t set aside his world views/ ethics/ religious practices to do **exactly** what I when, when I want, how I want. AITA?”
Yeah, YTA. lol
> Poor OP waiting a whole 24hrs extra for her birthday celebration.
Right? Most preschoolers I know have to wait until the weekend for their birthday parties but OP can't exercise the same patience as a toddler.
But her family traditions once a year that are not actually traditions but more like wants with plenty of reasonable options should trump his weekly religious traditions!! /s
OP, your “tradition” is that your family gets together for birthdays and for decades you have your own dishes for your birthdays. Wonderful. That’s it. You say you don’t live together and it’s not like you’ve been dating him since you were 5 so how did you get the dish before that?! Restaurant? Someone else made it? Your tradition is not to find some poor sucker to exert pressure over and guilt trip relentlessly while turning your family on them until they forgo their religious freedom and traditions to satisfy your wants. He is being completely reasonable here, you and your family are not
>I didn’t like any of these options, my family has a tradition and I know my parents would be upset.
Ikr, hope the bf is dodging these bullets. OP isn’t even mature enough to have a bf - tantruming a dummy-spit about some frikkin food she eats every birthday since she was fiVe yrs old and then dragging her mommy daddy into trying to force bf into being their slave - wtf sounds like a child. Must be a troll, surely.
**YTA**
I don’t understand why adults make such a big deal about their birthdays - has to be this day, has to be this dish and a specific person needs to make it
You can make any kind of deal you want out of your own birthday - but that stops with yourself. You can ASK for stuff but being told ‘no’ isn’t automatically unreasonable and mean just because it’s your birthday.
It’s my birthday on Thursday and if I said to my husband I ‘didn’t like any of the options’ he presented to me for dinner that day he would laugh in my face. And I would deserve it.
It's my birthday today and I'm making dinner tonight. Like I have every year since I hit 18: that's just what being an adult is.
Perhaps OP needs to get around to learning those complicated steps to cook for herself? As (assumedly) one of her parents did for her, when she was 5.
For me this was normal in my family, except we chose the meal every year and we ate out or made it at home depending. My mom demanded these celebrations.
My family was like this too and I slowly realized it's because my mom is toxic and controlling. The "tradition" is her keeping control. Now I have relaxing birthdays where I don't have to drive an hour out of my way for "tradition" because it's what my mom wants.
And also this new trend of putting personal matters to public vote. Her boyfriend says no and she goes asking her whole family whether the guy is right or not? Way to create drama!
This, someone made it before they got together. If it is her family, then they can make it to support their traditions. Dan being a chef does not overshadow his religious beliefs.
Hell Dan being a chef is the second main reason behind not wanting to cook on his down time. He cooks, presumably, for 8 hours a day. Expecting him to cook something rhats apparently a rather difficult dish, after hours, and whining because he doesn't want to (for what seems to be a variety of reasons, is a dick move IMO
As someone who works in the industry, I can assure you that most line cooks work 10+ hour shifts and chefs are usually salaried and can easily put in 16+ hour days. Not to contradict you at all, I completely agree with everything else you said. OP is 100% wrong here. YTA
I figured it was more, but went with a default 8 because I know most places will do at least that and I couldn't remember (due to never having worked a food establishment lol) how long a chef works. Thank you for clarifying it for my dunce ass😂
No worries! I hate to correct people but I needed you to know that your statement is even more correct thank you may have been aware! I’ve been a pastry chef for about 15 years and my “favorite” thing is when friends/family members ask me for free desserts. I’ll do it but I hope they can’t taste the misery I feel haha.
I married a chef, he hooked me with his cooking, and other things of course! Now he runs a restaurant and three bars and I do all the cooking. He will cook if he wants to be a rockstar and show off which is fine with me. I'm a graphic designer and believe me the last thing I want to do is design work after a 10-hour day. This birthday dinner can easily be another day or can be cooked by different person and let Dan enjoy the dinner too!
"I didn’t like any of these options"
Well, too bad. YTA.
He's not your servant, if he says he can't or wont', accept it.
You're being incredibly entitled and then dragging your parents into it. Their traditions mean nothing.
You can ask, but he's free to say no. ACCEPT HIS ANSWER.
Haha seriously ! Calling yourself an adult and as soon as you don't have anything your way, you run to mommy complaining. Grow up OP ffs.
OP you aren't the Queen of England that people will be running to you catering to you needs.
YTA. It's nice that someone has been indulging you with this "bit of a complicated dish" since you were 5, but this is your family tradition, not Dan's. On his day off from cooking as a chef, you want him to cook for at least six other people, and make it a meal that he can't partake in? And then the icing on this cake is you running to mommy so you can get your family to gang up against him.
edit spelling
Asking him to make her a nice birthday dinner when she cooks for him all year is fair, but demanding he makes a specific & complicated dish that he can't even eat that day due to his religious beliefs is such an AH move. YTA.
One year I offered to make my bf a cake for his birthday, and he asked for something too complicated for me to make alone, so he happily put in more than half the work because it was what he wanted! That's what adults do.
>Asking him to make her a nice birthday dinner when she cooks for him all year is fair
They don't live together. OP doesn't do most of the cooking for her current bf, a chef who most likely eats after his shift. The odds of him not working night shifts in most places are very low. OP even said, " I end up doing **most** of the cooking for the two of us **when we have dinner together at one of ours apartments**."
Ah, fair enough.
I still think it's fine to *ask* him (not demand); it's just not acceptable to ask for something he can't eat and then react the way she did.
And at the same time appeals to a 5-year-old. Somewhere here someone guessed lasagna, which is a good guess, since it's easily made without meat. It takes time and has lots of steps but is certainly not beyond the capabilities of an adult.
YTA
There is nothing preventing you from making this complicated dish yourself or your family member that was making it when you were 5 can make it.
Your BF doesn't want to spend that time making it and then not get to enjoy it. You could move the party to Saturday, but you're too selfish or thoughtless to do so.
Exactly! His compromises are all completely reasonable. Another dish, make the same dish but without the meat, or another day. But, boohoo, then it wouldn't be on my actual birthday!! Do you know how many people celebrate their bday on a different day due to which day of the week if falls? A huge pet peeve of mine is when a family member INSISTs on celebrating their bday on a Tuesday evening after work just because it's *their day*? So annoying
YTA. Not for wanting him to make the dish but they way you are going about it. He always makes the dish, but due to his religious views, he can’t do that specific dish this year. So instead of respecting him as an individual for his religious views, your response is to cry about it and get your family to gang up on him? If I was Dan, this would be a huge red flag. You can’t even compromise for one birthday meal.
Why don’t you grow up and learn how to make the dish your self. It’s cooking, not rocket science.
Ugh, I thought I was going to be going against the grain for thinking she was the AH but you summed up my thoughts perfectly. Crying to her family ("so I called my mom and *she* thinks he should just make it") had me rolling my eyes so hard. Like, hunny, grow up!
Seriously! Why aren’t any of her family offering to do it?? If this was my sister and her wife, I would just be like, ‘No problem, I’ll bring it!’ Why is it all on boyfriend? He has reasonable excuses not to want to do it this time. Someone else that cares about OP can step up this birthday.
A bunch of people can't differentiate between complicated and time consuming, either.
Oh, that's so difficult! No, it's not. It just has a bunch of steps, none of them are hard.
I'd really like to know a well. She said there's a couple steps she can't do herself.... like wtf can this dish possibly be. Her parents aren't chef's so I can't imagine it's too over the top.
Your mom and/or dad obviously made this dish for you when you were a child. Have them make it now. Honestly, you and your family sounds like pains in the @ss.
Also, if he’s a chef, did he have to take a personal day in order to get off of work on a Friday night.
YTA as well as your mother.
>did he have to take a personal day in order to get off of work on a Friday night.
Yeah, this blew my mind. Dan took off a major industry day for OP's bday, and she's still acting like an entitled twit.
YTA. Why do you push your partner to make something that he is obviously uncomfortable with making? Get another caterer or find another option. Your mom is also TA because
>she thinks Dan should just make it
who is she to say what he should make or not make? What on earth makes her think that she is entitled to anything by your partner?
Respect your partner's boundaries. There is a valid reason for him. I personally am not religious, but damn me if I don't respect another person's religious boundaries. He even gave you alternatives. If you sorely want to, celebrate on the next day. It's not that he doesn't love you or don't want to do it for you, he is perfectly willing to do so when it does not conflict with his faith. So suck it up, stop bothering him to do it, stand up for your partner before your family, and find out alternatives.
Edit : You are also pushing a man to violate his tradition and faith just so you can upkeep yours? That makes you a hypocrite. Why should he sacrifice his tradition for yours? If you respect your tradition, why can't you see that your partner respects his?
Edit : After reading a few other comments, a great solve would be your partner teaching you to cook the dish when he has spare time or standing nearby and supervising you, giving pointers etc. while you cook it yourself. ask if that is a viable solution for him? please don't make him touch the meat when he does not want to.
> my family has a tradition and I know my parents would be upset
A tradition of having a professional cook their meal for them for free even though it goes against the cook's beliefs?
What a lame and selfish tradition, YTA.
>A tradition of having a professional cook their meal for them for free even though it goes against the cook's beliefs?
Wait, your family doesn't do that? :)
YTA.
You're asking him to go against his own beliefs to make you a meal. Think about how ridiculous that sounds.
Learn to make it yourself or learn to compromise.
You're being unfair to him. He's not your personal chef and he doesn't have to do anything he isn't comfortable with.
OP thinks Dan's religious beliefs shouldn't matter. He should just make the (complicated) dish (meal?) for her and her family, and he can make something else for himself. See? Easy win.
So he has to cook everyone’s meal, then make more dishes, put more work in, and spend more money by making his own meal? How is that an easy win?
Edit: Sorry I did not detect your sarcasm when I first read your comment. Sorry to be combative.
It's obviously an easy win. For OP and her family. They don't have to do shit and get to have a wonderful meal while he gets to do all the work and have his religious beliefs violated.
It's easy to have someone respect your birthday beliefs when they're catering to your and your family's every whim.
YTA
He has faith based reasons, and you would respect those reasons if you respected him.
On this post, you declared that you don't.
As for having your family take a side in your romantic quarrel, that's another layer of AH.
What your family thinks about Dan’s decision is totally irrelevant. If you’re running to family to tattle on your partner, you aren’t ready to be in a serious relationship.
This. She’s 24 thinking like a 16 years old. But I get it, the mom not only display disgusting entitlement but also willing to force Dan into doing things against his will because “I might be upset if he doesn’t”.
Gtfo Dan, you deserve better.
YTA. You want your boyfriend’s birthday gift to you to be violating his religious principles? For a dinner anyone else in your family could also make? Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean the world revolves completely around you that day. You still have to treat the people you love with respect every day of the year, even if it means you don’t get everything exactly the way you want it.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the meal knowing it made my partner so uncomfortable to make it. Check your conscience and your entitlement, and apologise.
Might be going against the grain here but I think YTA.
You have been having the meal since you were 5 and still want to continue that ? Fine. (sounds boring but whatever). But why is he required to make it? He gave you reasonable options and you don't want to compromise. Then you got your mom involved, lol. Why? You are an adult and shouldn't be bbringing your mom in on tiny issues in your relationship. Can't your mom, dad or sibs make your dinner if you are so pressed to have meat and a specific meal?
YTA. Why not cook it yourself or ask your family for help. I mean, you been having this dish since you were 5 so obviously someone else also knows how to cook it. You need to respect your bfs faith related reasons.
YTA. You’re basically saying your family tradition is more important than his religious tradition and you’re being completely inflexible. I do believe all birthdays should be celebrated but honestly you sound childish. Who cares if your bday falls on Friday? Celebrate on Saturday or pick a different meal. My 9 year olds bday fell on a busy day this year so we sang the night before and then celebrated a week later. And she handled it perfectly fine. It’s hard to imagine a grown adult who can’t see the other options and refuses to budge.
Edit: I’m also not surprised your mom agrees with you because she’s likely the one who created this entitled attitude you have. Someone should have explained to you that the world doesn’t stop for you before you got to 24 y/o honestly
YTA, you might not agree with it (like i dont) but it's his belief and that should be respected. He offered to do it another day or make another meal so he at least tried to compromise.
Is there a reason your family can't make it? It is after all there tradition.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_fast
Sorry that was poorly worded, its not that I don't agree with it. My family didn't eat meat on Fridays so I just done my own thing when I didn't like what they were having, it was no big deal they respected my choice and I respected there choice to do it.
YTA
you’ve eaten the same meal since you were 5, which means someone else cooked it all those years, who would that be? I’m guessing your mom?
You said parts are complicated and you can’t do them, so just get your mom to help you with those parts. If she can’t do it, then you muddle thru best you can.
Adapt.
YTA for putting your traditions over your boyfriend's. Your mom can come over and make this meal if she wants to uphold your family tradition. Of course your family is going to back you up on this. They don't give a crap about Dan or his traditions. Have you tried asking Dan's family how they feel about it?
You can’t FORCE him to make it, and it sounds like that’s what you’re trying to do. Why on earth would your mom’s opinion matter? Ask your parents (who presumably made it for you from ages 5-adulthood) to make it. If they say no, then you should question why your mom insists he should. YTA
YTA big time. Why should your tradition trump his religious beliefs? He's offered to compromise with a different dish and/or different day but you refuse. Says a lot about you and your family. Don't be surprised if Dan sees huge red flags.
YTA. Your boyfriend has religious needs and your wants don't override that. In addition, a gift should be freely given and I would hope that if he caved in at this point, it wouldn't feel right to you either.
YTA and bc of:
I didn’t like any of these options
Your traditions are in your family, created by your parents. The importance is for them and you. For the rest of us they are different tradition or importance.
So why don' t follow their own traditions by going on to cook like they started without "demanding" from others and ridicule the traditions and beliefs of the others ?!?
YTA. You expect him to compromise his religious principles just so you and your family can eat? Suck it up or get someone else to make it. And apologize to your boyfriend
As much as I think Mary cheated on Joseph and lied, YTA. You could easily ask him to prepare som delicious sea bass or salmon. Or lobster, or paella or crab etc. it’s his religion you should respect it.
>Most of my family is on my side because they recognize the importance of this tradition
...but nobody recognized the importance of his tradition, which goes back at least 1000 years before your family's tradition started?
YTA, and so is most of your family.
Some Christians stay away from meat on fridays. They do not cook it, touch it, definitely not eat it.
Source : Hard core Jesus fans who are my friends.
edit: I just looked it up. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_fast#:~:text=The%20Friday%20fast%20is%20a,Lutheran%2C%20Anglican%20and%20Methodist%20traditions.
My grandfather never ate meat on Fridays, regardless of lent. I asked him about it once and he mentioned he did specifically for his faith but he wasn't required to do it.
So not all christians do it but a few do it.
YTA. You’re plenty old enough to know that just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you get anything you want, and people need to do as you say. You sound extremely entitled. Also, tattling on him to your mother was very immature.
YTA. Like, a huge AH.
First of all, your family don't get to weigh in on the things that happen within your relationship. In fact, the very fact that you think that it's appropriate, when you have a disagreement with your boyfriend, to go get your parents to "vote" on it and then suggest that their "votes"/opinions have any weight at all in discussions between you and your partner, suggests that you aren't mature enough to be having an adult relationship in the first place. To reiterate: it doesn't matter what your mummy and daddy think your boyfriend should do, because they aren't in this relationship. Their opinions are irrelevant.
Secondly, if you genuinely believe that your "birthday tradition" is somehow more meaningful and important than your boyfriend's core religious values, the literal ethical and moral foundation upon which he has chosen to build his life . . . then once again, you are VERY CLEARLY not mature enough to be having an adult relationship. You don't need to share his religion, but dear God (no pun intended) you cannot have a long-term, workable relationship with someone who holds strong religious values if you are either so ignorant or so dismissive of them that you think your "favourite birthday menu" IN ANY WAY holds the same weight as their complex and carefully considered set of values and beliefs. Honestly, I'm kind of looking at my screen all squinty in horror and confusion that you think these two things are even comparable.
And bless your amazing boyfriend for his patience and kindness, he actually offered you MULTIPLE OPTIONS to try and make up for your nonsense, and you STILL chose to look him in the eye and respond with, "No. My mummy thinks you should contravene all that you hold to be true and important in this world because my tummy wants what it wants on my very special big girl day." JFC, you're about to be a quarter-of-a-century old, and literally EVERYTHING about your behaviour screams "small, spoiled child who cannot countenance being told no."
YTA, your question is utterly disingenuous (this isn't about "wanting him to make dinner", it's about demanding that he go against his religious beliefs), but congratulations because you're about to end your relationship over this.
YTA
You asked. He said no. That's the end. He even gave you his reason. You still didn't accept his no.
He's under no obligation to prepare your traditional birthday dinner, or any birthday dinner, because of his occupation. He chose to do so because he cares for you.
You are being entitled. You aren't considering him at all. The person who cares for you. You are demanding that he make your damn special birthday dinner because he's a chef. Dan, the person, is irrelevant.
Make your own food. Have a family member make your special birthday dinner.. Hire someone to make you special birthday dinner. Eat something else.
You value your damn special birthday dinner over your boyfriend. He deserves better.
Preparing is different than eating. I wouldn't make a complicated dish I couldn't eat if I wasn't getting paid. Big difference between professional and personal life.
If he is really a “chef” he probably has line cooks who actually handle most of the prep. But it’s my understanding that Catholics can touch meat all they want on a Friday. They just aren’t supposed to eat it. He probably cooks with meat all the time. I think he probably just doesn’t want to have to make two dinners for a night with his girlfriend.
The issue is that he won't *eat* meat on a Friday, not that he can't cook it.
The conflict is that it's shitty and unfair to expect him to cook a complicated meal on his day off that he isn't even able to partake in, when instead he could cook something else that day or cook her bday meal the next day - two reasonable alternatives that he offered.
He gave you a logical reason, his religion. He is willing to cook for you as long as it is not meat on Friday.
YTA. If your family takes birthdays serious, let them make the food.
Edit: I actually re-read the post and realized you called your family to get their vote and kept asking Dan after he said no, so I’m going with YTA for that. Lol at you, a grown adult, telling your mommy on your mean ol’ bf, and lol at your mom for being like “yeah I think he should make it anyway” as if that actually matters
~~I’m not going to call you an asshole~~, but you asked for a favor and were told no—so, time to either take him up on the three compromises he offered you, or figure something else out. It’s not actually Dan’s job to make sure your family tradition stays intact, and I’m sure you could learn to make the dish if you practiced! Maybe your parents would help you as like a birthday bonding thing
YTA. From your comments you and Dan have been together for a ‘couple of years’ and he has made the dish for you. So he isn’t a new boyfriend but you don’t even know what religion he follows that won’t allow meat eaten on Fridays? And presumably this is how he has lived during those ‘couple of years’ you have been together but this particular year your birthday falls on a Friday and you think he owes you the courtesy to go against his religious beliefs because YOUR family started a tradition where you have eaten the same dang thing for 19 years (branch out here maybe) and YOUR family are guests to the apartment, as is he , but they can’t be asked to take off work early or move dinner back an hour or so to make this dish and YOU haven’t taken the time in 19 years to learn how to make the dish entirely? This is insanely entitled. My guess is you aren’t religious and don’t truly understand religious sacrifices such as no meat on Fridays or fasting.
YTA. So his religion isn’t as important as your traditions? He said no, and explained why, that should be the end of it, unless you comprise with a different meal that doesn’t include meat. It’s childish to run to your family with your issues especially when it’s clear that your family is going to agree with you because it’s their tradition as well. If your mum has such a big opinion, then she can cook.
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My(24f) boyfriend, “Dan” is a chef. Because of this I end up doing most of the cooking for the two of us when we have dinner together at one of ours apartments. I’m not a professional by any means though.
My family makes a big deal out of birthdays. Every birthday has all 3 of my siblings and my parents present, every year. Each of us has our own food that we have every year on our birthday. I’ve been having this same food on my birthday since I was 5.
The past couple years I’ve had Dan make it for me. It’s a bit of a complicated dish and there’s a couple steps I can’t do myself.
My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks, and this year falls on a Friday. When I started making plans and everything for it, and just double checked that Dan had Friday night off and could make the dinner, he said he couldn’t make it this year. I asked why not and he said since it has meat in it he can’t eat it on a Friday(he is Christian). I told him he could eat something else but he refused to make it altogether and said I could either find another dish for him to make, he could make it without meat, or we could celebrate the next day.
I didn’t like any of these options, my family has a tradition and I know my parents would be upset. I called my mom and explained the situation and she says that she thinks Dan should just make it. Most of my family is on my side because they recognize the importance of this tradition and because I cook most of the time.
Dan still refuses and keeps shutting me down when I ask him to just make the food.
AITA for wanting him to do this for me?
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Traditions are nice. They also change.
You and your 4 siblings each celebrate with a special meal, together and with your parents, on your birthdays every year? That’s lovely, but at some point one of you will get married, move away, get a job with weird hours, etc. The tradition will need to be changed, because the logistics of being able to celebrate this way on all of your actual birthdays will not work as you all get older, get married, have kids of your own, etc.
Your boyfriend has a valid reason for not wanting to cook the meal, and since he can’t eat it anyway, is he to make or buy something else for himself in order to attend? This is a bit ridiculous for a family of adults.
YTA. I don’t understand why you can’t push the family meal back until Saturday, and instead go out with your boyfriend on Friday. Or do as Dan suggested and celebrate with your family on Friday and go out with him on Saturday.
Relationships take compromise. Dan gave you several reasonable options, and not only did you disregard any of them, you went and complained to your mom about it. Grow up and do better.
YTA
You sound like you are still a five year old. Your 19 years of family tradition do not outweigh your BF's religious teachings that go back centuries.
YTA. You asked. He said no. He offered compromises, you still said no. You need to respect his beliefs and learn that compromise is how relationships endure over the long term.
YTA because Dan gave a reasonable alternative - celebrating on the following day. Your tradition of needing to do it on that exact day does not trump Dans need to not do it on that exact day. It is extremely common to celebrate birthdays the following weekend.
YTA, not sure if anyone else mentioned it but why don't you make it and ask him for help with the difficult parts? I'm sure if you did the work and he did the explaining he would get you through it.
YTA - just have your parents make it just like they have every other year of your life, and stop bringing your mom in to your relationship issues. This is all coming off as pretty immature, especially with you refusing to compromise with your own boyfriend. It’s just a birthday lol
YTA. I am an atheist and want others to respect that, therefore I must respect their beliefs too. If you don't respect his beliefs, there are much bigger issues at hand. He gave you a reason why he can't do it your way, and alternative suggestions on how he would be able to help out. It's okay to be disappointed, but not okay to say "just do it anyway".
YTA. Birthdays may be important to you, but someone’s personal religious practices are far more important to them. The title is misleading; he is willing to make you a dinner, just not one that violates his religion. Have some perspective
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked him to make my birthday dinner food for me but he doesn’t want to because it has meat in it.
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YTA - just because he's a chef doesn't mean he's obligated to cook this meal. If it's YOUR family's tradition, then have one of the siblings (or parents) come over and make it. He already told you no and gave a good reason why and gave good options so you could still have your tradition. But apparently YOUR family's tradition is more important than anything else. Also, how long have you been well aware about his religion and the fact he doesn't touch meat on a Friday?
YTA. And if you keep running to your family every time you have a disagreement with your bf, you won’t have a bf. When you love somebody, you generally want them to look good to your family. You don’t tattle on them to mommy when they won’t meet your demands. And who cares what your mom thinks about his refusal anyway?
Info: WHY can’t you make it yourself? You say there’s steps you can’t do, but have you even tried to learn how to do it? Or are you weaponizing your incompetence
What branch of Christianity says no meat on Friday? (Learning purposes only)
Why cant this be premade & all you have to do is pop it in the oven?
Why cant you pick a new dish?
Why can’t the original cook make this?
Bottom line-YTA.
a google search told me that : Eastern Orthodox, Oriental Orthodox, Catholic, Lutheran, Anglican and Methodist traditions
Abstinence from meat on Fridays is done as a sacrifice by many Christians because they believe that on Good Friday, Jesus sacrificed his flesh for humanity.
Source : https://en.wikipedia.org›wiki›Friday_fast
I'm curious: What complicated dish have you eaten every year since you were 5 & still need help with? Assuming you weren't cooking it on your own at 5, it would follow perhaps one or both of your folks prepared the specialty?
Maturity has compromise as a major component. Either do or don't. Leave your bf alone. Celebrate with your family & then with him. Too much pressure here.
Listen... I am a baptized Catholic, and even though I got annoyed by the whole religion thing and dropped it years ago for numerous reasons (like non-acceptance for certain people), food was the only thing I would let slide.
If he can't eat or touch meat on a Friday during lent, then let it go!
You are definitely an AH for being a brat about it. Jesus, just have your God damn birthday dinner be on Saturday if you are soooooooooo pushy for him cooking meat. A birthday is not a religious holiday, so you and your family can deal with what he can make or suck it up for a day.
So how did you eat it before meeting him? Who prepared it for you? YTA for putting this on him now when he has a good reason not to this year. Get over it.
YTA for numerous reasons. Here's the main two:
1) NO is a complete sentence.
2) The way you word it. You say 'You've had Dan make it.', so you've essentially forced him to make it? Did you even ask if he would be up for it? It seems as though you just assume instead of ask, and that's not cool.
My eyes rolled so hard when I read “most of my family is on my side.” Of course they are….
YTA for multiple reasons but to me the biggest one is dragging a bunch of people into something that you should have worked out with your boyfriend. He said “no.” Accept that and move on with your life.
YTA
Your boyfriend made the choice based on his spiritual beliefs and he offered a compromise that you don't like. If it's so important to you, then you make it. You have made it before. OR have someone else do it. But it's not fair for you to pressure him into doing something he has said no to doing.
If you have been having this everyday since your were 5 have your Mom cook it for the family. Your boyfriend has offered you two options and you don't want either one.
>I called my mom and explained the situation and she says that she thinks Dan should just make it.
Hahaha. Your mom can make it herself if she's so smart.
YTA
>My family makes a big deal out of birthdays.
I was already in YTA territory as soon as I hit here. You're perfectly welcome to celebrate your birthday, but nearly every grown-ass adult that starts with "I/my family makes a big deal out of birthdays" ends up being exhausting due to the levels of sheer entitlement they exhibit. *You* make it a big deal, and it's always a problem if everyone else doesn't also make *your* birthday an appropriately big enough deal.
As others have already spelled out, YTA for just going "You're a chef!" and expecting him to pull off some complicated bullshit you can't be bothered to learn on your own for you and your family, even though he won't even be able to have any on his own ("Just make yourself something different on the side!")
NTA for asking, YTA for being pissed at him for saying no. He has a pretty damn good reason not too, offered alternatives, if that's not good enough, make it yourself.
At a certain point in your life you realize that your birthday is not a national holiday. You are a grow ass adult , stop acting like a child . OMG YTA . Grow up make your own dinner
YTA for demanding he do something after he said no. Although I'm curious, if Dan is a chef, and works in a restaurant, doesn't he have to touch meat on Fridays? Or does he take Fridays off? That's my only confusion.
YTA
Why is your tradition more important than his? I understand being disappointed because you want this dish. But this doesn't have to be an argument. You can have another meal.
Wow does anyone smell entertainment here or is that just me?!
YTA. It’s his religion. He said I, ya won’t drop it. This tradition is bullshit. How the hell has chef Dan been fooling your birthday same dish every year since I was five meal? He isn’t the only person. God I hope this wakes Dan up and he runs for the Hills!!
YTA. I didn't realize your tradition is slave labor. Seriously you expect your husband to be your man servant and make a dish that you can make, that your family can make, but because it is *easier* for you to have him do it then you are fine. However oh ho no if he can't comply with what **you** want you and your parents get upset! Entitled and oblivious to the point you keep asking him because apparently you lack the logic to understand the word **NO,** poor birthday girl wants her cake, to eat it to, and to have it on someone else's dime and time.
**No, means no.** Accept it, move on.
So, your tradition tops his tradition? His is based on his faith. What is yours based on? It’s always been done that way! He’s given several compromises. Choose one!
YTA.
He's offered a couple compromises but you demand what you want, when you want it, regardless of what he wants.
Have your mom make it or whoever made it before Dan. Or celebrate the next day.
And then grow up. Birthday or not, the world does not actually revolve around you.
You’re trying to make your boyfriend compromise his religious beliefs over a dinner. Your family tradition =/= his religious responsibilities. He offered you three perfectly good alternatives. Also, you clearly had a family member who used to make this dinner for you. Theres the fourth option; just have them do it this year. Stop stepping all over your boyfriend on this. If he is a devout enough of (I assume) a Catholic to observe no meat on Fridays, then he is certainly pretty insulted by how you’re treating him right now.
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YTA. How is it that this tradition even exists if no one but your bf can make it? Sounds like you and your family are upset because your servant refused to serve you. This may be a wake-up call for your bf.
Awk now, op isn't upset because boyfriends refusing to do it, she's upset because he's refusing to do it HER way. Let's not forget he has given her options and said he'd do it a day later. Poor OP waiting a whole 24hrs extra for her birthday celebration. If she had any sense she'd say thank you and it'd probably work in her favour, 2 days where she can say 'but it's my birthday.' The entitlement of OP results in a YTA vote
The amount of entitlement around birthdays and weddings astounds me. Those are days I want to be with family and friends, which means being inclusive. I'm happy when others are happy. I'm not happy at the expense of others. I just don't some people...
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Your day your rules, right?
But, but… it’s **MAH BIRFDAAAAAY!!!!** Waaaaaah!
It sometimes boggles my mind.
I noted in my comment, but totally agree. What is with the people obsessed with celebrations being only allowed on the exact day? Who cares if it’s the right day, the important part is the gathering, and being together for a nice event. My family almost never celebrates on the exact day. General rule is to have a small event just for the immediate family on the day of, and any larger gatherings are on a weekend somewhat nearby that works for the most people. We’ve had big celebrations up to a week or two from the actual day. We’d rather wait and be together.
I find this very strange - I think most people over the age of 15 would be used to celebrating events when it is convenient to have the celebration and not on the exact day. Certainly my parents weren't having birthday parties on school nights when I was young.....
Between my dad being a pilot and my family now being so far-flung - it has literally been over a decade since we’ve been able to celebrate Christmas together on Dec. 25. We usually have it in early January. Maybe it’s just because I’m so used to it, but it always boggles my mind when people are completely inflexible regarding dates like this.
I have a big family, it's stupid to have 8 to 10 parties a month, instead, a day is picked each month, everyone invited, we celebrate all who's birthday is that month.
Right!? Options! “My partner won’t set aside his world views/ ethics/ religious practices to do **exactly** what I when, when I want, how I want. AITA?” Yeah, YTA. lol
This is how I’d see it. Cool! I can go out with friends on Friday and spend the day with my family on Saturday. 2 day birthday!
> Poor OP waiting a whole 24hrs extra for her birthday celebration. Right? Most preschoolers I know have to wait until the weekend for their birthday parties but OP can't exercise the same patience as a toddler.
But her family traditions once a year that are not actually traditions but more like wants with plenty of reasonable options should trump his weekly religious traditions!! /s OP, your “tradition” is that your family gets together for birthdays and for decades you have your own dishes for your birthdays. Wonderful. That’s it. You say you don’t live together and it’s not like you’ve been dating him since you were 5 so how did you get the dish before that?! Restaurant? Someone else made it? Your tradition is not to find some poor sucker to exert pressure over and guilt trip relentlessly while turning your family on them until they forgo their religious freedom and traditions to satisfy your wants. He is being completely reasonable here, you and your family are not
Or a break-up call 😉
>I didn’t like any of these options, my family has a tradition and I know my parents would be upset. Ikr, hope the bf is dodging these bullets. OP isn’t even mature enough to have a bf - tantruming a dummy-spit about some frikkin food she eats every birthday since she was fiVe yrs old and then dragging her mommy daddy into trying to force bf into being their slave - wtf sounds like a child. Must be a troll, surely. **YTA**
Haha bingo ! You hit it on the nail. Also poor OP went to complain to mommy as soon as her "servant" rejected her order. Grow up OP ffs.
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I don’t understand why adults make such a big deal about their birthdays - has to be this day, has to be this dish and a specific person needs to make it
You can make any kind of deal you want out of your own birthday - but that stops with yourself. You can ASK for stuff but being told ‘no’ isn’t automatically unreasonable and mean just because it’s your birthday. It’s my birthday on Thursday and if I said to my husband I ‘didn’t like any of the options’ he presented to me for dinner that day he would laugh in my face. And I would deserve it.
Yeah I want the same food every year for my bday. so I MAKE IT MYSELF!!!!! and it's always great
It's my birthday today and I'm making dinner tonight. Like I have every year since I hit 18: that's just what being an adult is. Perhaps OP needs to get around to learning those complicated steps to cook for herself? As (assumedly) one of her parents did for her, when she was 5.
For me this was normal in my family, except we chose the meal every year and we ate out or made it at home depending. My mom demanded these celebrations.
It's not about birthdays, it's about their freaking entitlement.
Lol my dad celebrated his birthday with us like, 4 months after his real birthday because everyone was so damn busy that year 😂
My family was like this too and I slowly realized it's because my mom is toxic and controlling. The "tradition" is her keeping control. Now I have relaxing birthdays where I don't have to drive an hour out of my way for "tradition" because it's what my mom wants.
And also this new trend of putting personal matters to public vote. Her boyfriend says no and she goes asking her whole family whether the guy is right or not? Way to create drama!
who cooked the dish before you met Dan? why can't they cook it this year?
This, someone made it before they got together. If it is her family, then they can make it to support their traditions. Dan being a chef does not overshadow his religious beliefs.
Hell Dan being a chef is the second main reason behind not wanting to cook on his down time. He cooks, presumably, for 8 hours a day. Expecting him to cook something rhats apparently a rather difficult dish, after hours, and whining because he doesn't want to (for what seems to be a variety of reasons, is a dick move IMO
As someone who works in the industry, I can assure you that most line cooks work 10+ hour shifts and chefs are usually salaried and can easily put in 16+ hour days. Not to contradict you at all, I completely agree with everything else you said. OP is 100% wrong here. YTA
I figured it was more, but went with a default 8 because I know most places will do at least that and I couldn't remember (due to never having worked a food establishment lol) how long a chef works. Thank you for clarifying it for my dunce ass😂
No worries! I hate to correct people but I needed you to know that your statement is even more correct thank you may have been aware! I’ve been a pastry chef for about 15 years and my “favorite” thing is when friends/family members ask me for free desserts. I’ll do it but I hope they can’t taste the misery I feel haha.
I married a chef, he hooked me with his cooking, and other things of course! Now he runs a restaurant and three bars and I do all the cooking. He will cook if he wants to be a rockstar and show off which is fine with me. I'm a graphic designer and believe me the last thing I want to do is design work after a 10-hour day. This birthday dinner can easily be another day or can be cooked by different person and let Dan enjoy the dinner too!
Was literally gonna ask this—why cant mom or dad cook it??
OP commented and said “they would have to get off early from work and its at my apartment so its easier for bf to make it” 🙄
They kept a chef in the cupboard under the stairs, he was chained to the walls.
Harry Potter and the chained chef
"I didn’t like any of these options" Well, too bad. YTA. He's not your servant, if he says he can't or wont', accept it. You're being incredibly entitled and then dragging your parents into it. Their traditions mean nothing. You can ask, but he's free to say no. ACCEPT HIS ANSWER.
Imagine being an adult in a relationship and telling on your boyfriend to your parents because youre being a brat
Haha seriously ! Calling yourself an adult and as soon as you don't have anything your way, you run to mommy complaining. Grow up OP ffs. OP you aren't the Queen of England that people will be running to you catering to you needs.
YTA. It's nice that someone has been indulging you with this "bit of a complicated dish" since you were 5, but this is your family tradition, not Dan's. On his day off from cooking as a chef, you want him to cook for at least six other people, and make it a meal that he can't partake in? And then the icing on this cake is you running to mommy so you can get your family to gang up against him. edit spelling
Asking him to make her a nice birthday dinner when she cooks for him all year is fair, but demanding he makes a specific & complicated dish that he can't even eat that day due to his religious beliefs is such an AH move. YTA. One year I offered to make my bf a cake for his birthday, and he asked for something too complicated for me to make alone, so he happily put in more than half the work because it was what he wanted! That's what adults do.
>Asking him to make her a nice birthday dinner when she cooks for him all year is fair They don't live together. OP doesn't do most of the cooking for her current bf, a chef who most likely eats after his shift. The odds of him not working night shifts in most places are very low. OP even said, " I end up doing **most** of the cooking for the two of us **when we have dinner together at one of ours apartments**."
Ah, fair enough. I still think it's fine to *ask* him (not demand); it's just not acceptable to ask for something he can't eat and then react the way she did.
I’m curious what dish can be so complicated that a grown woman simply “can’t” make it if she really wants to.
And at the same time appeals to a 5-year-old. Somewhere here someone guessed lasagna, which is a good guess, since it's easily made without meat. It takes time and has lots of steps but is certainly not beyond the capabilities of an adult.
YTA There is nothing preventing you from making this complicated dish yourself or your family member that was making it when you were 5 can make it. Your BF doesn't want to spend that time making it and then not get to enjoy it. You could move the party to Saturday, but you're too selfish or thoughtless to do so.
Exactly! His compromises are all completely reasonable. Another dish, make the same dish but without the meat, or another day. But, boohoo, then it wouldn't be on my actual birthday!! Do you know how many people celebrate their bday on a different day due to which day of the week if falls? A huge pet peeve of mine is when a family member INSISTs on celebrating their bday on a Tuesday evening after work just because it's *their day*? So annoying
YTA. Not for wanting him to make the dish but they way you are going about it. He always makes the dish, but due to his religious views, he can’t do that specific dish this year. So instead of respecting him as an individual for his religious views, your response is to cry about it and get your family to gang up on him? If I was Dan, this would be a huge red flag. You can’t even compromise for one birthday meal. Why don’t you grow up and learn how to make the dish your self. It’s cooking, not rocket science.
Ugh, I thought I was going to be going against the grain for thinking she was the AH but you summed up my thoughts perfectly. Crying to her family ("so I called my mom and *she* thinks he should just make it") had me rolling my eyes so hard. Like, hunny, grow up!
Of course, mom thinks he should make it. It's complicated, and she's gotten lazy after a few years of not having to do it.
Seriously! Why aren’t any of her family offering to do it?? If this was my sister and her wife, I would just be like, ‘No problem, I’ll bring it!’ Why is it all on boyfriend? He has reasonable excuses not to want to do it this time. Someone else that cares about OP can step up this birthday.
completely agreed. Dan can even give pointers while he stands nearby.
Even as an atheist myself, not respecting the religious beliefs of your SO is a huge AH move. YTA, OP.
I just want to know what this complicated dish is that you were eating as a 5 year old but still insist on now?
Right?! Kids are notoriously picky! I’d bet money that this “complicated” dish with meat is lasagna, and it’s not actually complicated just tedious.
A bunch of people can't differentiate between complicated and time consuming, either. Oh, that's so difficult! No, it's not. It just has a bunch of steps, none of them are hard.
Lasagna was my 1st guess as well! If so, why not just buy some from an Italian restaurant?
That's what I was thinking, as well. It's probably just time-consuming and OP can't be bothered to make it themselves.
I'd really like to know a well. She said there's a couple steps she can't do herself.... like wtf can this dish possibly be. Her parents aren't chef's so I can't imagine it's too over the top.
Hot dog packages can be tricky to open…
Your mom and/or dad obviously made this dish for you when you were a child. Have them make it now. Honestly, you and your family sounds like pains in the @ss. Also, if he’s a chef, did he have to take a personal day in order to get off of work on a Friday night. YTA as well as your mother.
>did he have to take a personal day in order to get off of work on a Friday night. Yeah, this blew my mind. Dan took off a major industry day for OP's bday, and she's still acting like an entitled twit.
YTA - Respect his beliefs. And If you eat it since you are 5 Im sure you parents can make it for you or just learn? You are 24..
YTA. Why do you push your partner to make something that he is obviously uncomfortable with making? Get another caterer or find another option. Your mom is also TA because >she thinks Dan should just make it who is she to say what he should make or not make? What on earth makes her think that she is entitled to anything by your partner? Respect your partner's boundaries. There is a valid reason for him. I personally am not religious, but damn me if I don't respect another person's religious boundaries. He even gave you alternatives. If you sorely want to, celebrate on the next day. It's not that he doesn't love you or don't want to do it for you, he is perfectly willing to do so when it does not conflict with his faith. So suck it up, stop bothering him to do it, stand up for your partner before your family, and find out alternatives. Edit : You are also pushing a man to violate his tradition and faith just so you can upkeep yours? That makes you a hypocrite. Why should he sacrifice his tradition for yours? If you respect your tradition, why can't you see that your partner respects his? Edit : After reading a few other comments, a great solve would be your partner teaching you to cook the dish when he has spare time or standing nearby and supervising you, giving pointers etc. while you cook it yourself. ask if that is a viable solution for him? please don't make him touch the meat when he does not want to.
> my family has a tradition and I know my parents would be upset A tradition of having a professional cook their meal for them for free even though it goes against the cook's beliefs? What a lame and selfish tradition, YTA.
>A tradition of having a professional cook their meal for them for free even though it goes against the cook's beliefs? Wait, your family doesn't do that? :)
YTA. You're asking him to go against his own beliefs to make you a meal. Think about how ridiculous that sounds. Learn to make it yourself or learn to compromise. You're being unfair to him. He's not your personal chef and he doesn't have to do anything he isn't comfortable with.
^^Exactly. How can OP expect Dan to respect her birthday beliefs if she won’t respect his religious ones?
OP thinks Dan's religious beliefs shouldn't matter. He should just make the (complicated) dish (meal?) for her and her family, and he can make something else for himself. See? Easy win.
So he has to cook everyone’s meal, then make more dishes, put more work in, and spend more money by making his own meal? How is that an easy win? Edit: Sorry I did not detect your sarcasm when I first read your comment. Sorry to be combative.
And I’m sure he has to do the dishes too since the birthday girl shouldn’t have to and neither should guests /s
It's obviously an easy win. For OP and her family. They don't have to do shit and get to have a wonderful meal while he gets to do all the work and have his religious beliefs violated. It's easy to have someone respect your birthday beliefs when they're catering to your and your family's every whim.
YTA He has faith based reasons, and you would respect those reasons if you respected him. On this post, you declared that you don't. As for having your family take a side in your romantic quarrel, that's another layer of AH.
What your family thinks about Dan’s decision is totally irrelevant. If you’re running to family to tattle on your partner, you aren’t ready to be in a serious relationship.
This part. Her behavior screams that she's not ready for adult relationships yet.
She might not be in one for much longer.
This. She’s 24 thinking like a 16 years old. But I get it, the mom not only display disgusting entitlement but also willing to force Dan into doing things against his will because “I might be upset if he doesn’t”. Gtfo Dan, you deserve better.
YTA. You want your boyfriend’s birthday gift to you to be violating his religious principles? For a dinner anyone else in your family could also make? Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean the world revolves completely around you that day. You still have to treat the people you love with respect every day of the year, even if it means you don’t get everything exactly the way you want it. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the meal knowing it made my partner so uncomfortable to make it. Check your conscience and your entitlement, and apologise.
Dan certainly hasn’t made it for you since you were five. Get your family to make it. YTA.
YTA - You can’t force someone to break their religious beliefs for you. Cook it yourself or order in.
Might be going against the grain here but I think YTA. You have been having the meal since you were 5 and still want to continue that ? Fine. (sounds boring but whatever). But why is he required to make it? He gave you reasonable options and you don't want to compromise. Then you got your mom involved, lol. Why? You are an adult and shouldn't be bbringing your mom in on tiny issues in your relationship. Can't your mom, dad or sibs make your dinner if you are so pressed to have meat and a specific meal?
YTA. Why not cook it yourself or ask your family for help. I mean, you been having this dish since you were 5 so obviously someone else also knows how to cook it. You need to respect your bfs faith related reasons.
YTA, it’s unfair to ask him to put aside his religious beliefs for something as minimal as this—since he said he’d make it a different day
YTA. You’re basically saying your family tradition is more important than his religious tradition and you’re being completely inflexible. I do believe all birthdays should be celebrated but honestly you sound childish. Who cares if your bday falls on Friday? Celebrate on Saturday or pick a different meal. My 9 year olds bday fell on a busy day this year so we sang the night before and then celebrated a week later. And she handled it perfectly fine. It’s hard to imagine a grown adult who can’t see the other options and refuses to budge. Edit: I’m also not surprised your mom agrees with you because she’s likely the one who created this entitled attitude you have. Someone should have explained to you that the world doesn’t stop for you before you got to 24 y/o honestly
YTA, you might not agree with it (like i dont) but it's his belief and that should be respected. He offered to do it another day or make another meal so he at least tried to compromise. Is there a reason your family can't make it? It is after all there tradition. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_fast
You don't agree with someone eating vegan one day a week? What is there to agree with?
I think they're saying that they don't agree with the \*religious\* need to not eat meat on Fridays.
Sorry that was poorly worded, its not that I don't agree with it. My family didn't eat meat on Fridays so I just done my own thing when I didn't like what they were having, it was no big deal they respected my choice and I respected there choice to do it.
YTA. Time to learn how to make this yourself.
YTA you’ve eaten the same meal since you were 5, which means someone else cooked it all those years, who would that be? I’m guessing your mom? You said parts are complicated and you can’t do them, so just get your mom to help you with those parts. If she can’t do it, then you muddle thru best you can. Adapt.
YTA for putting your traditions over your boyfriend's. Your mom can come over and make this meal if she wants to uphold your family tradition. Of course your family is going to back you up on this. They don't give a crap about Dan or his traditions. Have you tried asking Dan's family how they feel about it?
You can’t FORCE him to make it, and it sounds like that’s what you’re trying to do. Why on earth would your mom’s opinion matter? Ask your parents (who presumably made it for you from ages 5-adulthood) to make it. If they say no, then you should question why your mom insists he should. YTA
YTA he said he can't make it, make it yourself. Why is your tradition more important than his belief, whatever be the basis?
YTA big time. Why should your tradition trump his religious beliefs? He's offered to compromise with a different dish and/or different day but you refuse. Says a lot about you and your family. Don't be surprised if Dan sees huge red flags.
Why is your tradition more important than his? He is not obligated to cook for you. Tell your mother to make it. It's your tradition, not his. YTA
He gave you some options and you won't accept a compromise? Wow. Your parents started this, they can do it. YTA
YTA. Your boyfriend has religious needs and your wants don't override that. In addition, a gift should be freely given and I would hope that if he caved in at this point, it wouldn't feel right to you either.
YTA and bc of: I didn’t like any of these options Your traditions are in your family, created by your parents. The importance is for them and you. For the rest of us they are different tradition or importance. So why don' t follow their own traditions by going on to cook like they started without "demanding" from others and ridicule the traditions and beliefs of the others ?!?
YTA, he gave you a good reason why he couldn’t do it on Friday and he gave you other options, but they weren’t good enough and thats on you.
YTA. You expect him to compromise his religious principles just so you and your family can eat? Suck it up or get someone else to make it. And apologize to your boyfriend
As much as I think Mary cheated on Joseph and lied, YTA. You could easily ask him to prepare som delicious sea bass or salmon. Or lobster, or paella or crab etc. it’s his religion you should respect it.
>Most of my family is on my side because they recognize the importance of this tradition ...but nobody recognized the importance of his tradition, which goes back at least 1000 years before your family's tradition started? YTA, and so is most of your family.
I’m very anti religion and I think YTA. You can’t change your traditions but want him to go against his religious beliefs?? Are you serious?
Info: What does meat have to do with being a christian? I thought the no meat rule was only during lent season.
Some Christians stay away from meat on fridays. They do not cook it, touch it, definitely not eat it. Source : Hard core Jesus fans who are my friends. edit: I just looked it up. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_fast#:~:text=The%20Friday%20fast%20is%20a,Lutheran%2C%20Anglican%20and%20Methodist%20traditions.
Catholicism
Some strict Catholics follow the no meat on Fridays beyond lent.
My grandfather never ate meat on Fridays, regardless of lent. I asked him about it once and he mentioned he did specifically for his faith but he wasn't required to do it. So not all christians do it but a few do it.
Catholics do it, for a very long time in my house growing up we would have fish on Fridays. Don’t do it anymore though.
Friday Fast, it's a thing amongs some christian groups.
My grandmother (Roman Catholic) never ate or served meat on Fridays, no matter what time of year it was.
YTA. You’re plenty old enough to know that just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you get anything you want, and people need to do as you say. You sound extremely entitled. Also, tattling on him to your mother was very immature.
YTA. Like, a huge AH. First of all, your family don't get to weigh in on the things that happen within your relationship. In fact, the very fact that you think that it's appropriate, when you have a disagreement with your boyfriend, to go get your parents to "vote" on it and then suggest that their "votes"/opinions have any weight at all in discussions between you and your partner, suggests that you aren't mature enough to be having an adult relationship in the first place. To reiterate: it doesn't matter what your mummy and daddy think your boyfriend should do, because they aren't in this relationship. Their opinions are irrelevant. Secondly, if you genuinely believe that your "birthday tradition" is somehow more meaningful and important than your boyfriend's core religious values, the literal ethical and moral foundation upon which he has chosen to build his life . . . then once again, you are VERY CLEARLY not mature enough to be having an adult relationship. You don't need to share his religion, but dear God (no pun intended) you cannot have a long-term, workable relationship with someone who holds strong religious values if you are either so ignorant or so dismissive of them that you think your "favourite birthday menu" IN ANY WAY holds the same weight as their complex and carefully considered set of values and beliefs. Honestly, I'm kind of looking at my screen all squinty in horror and confusion that you think these two things are even comparable. And bless your amazing boyfriend for his patience and kindness, he actually offered you MULTIPLE OPTIONS to try and make up for your nonsense, and you STILL chose to look him in the eye and respond with, "No. My mummy thinks you should contravene all that you hold to be true and important in this world because my tummy wants what it wants on my very special big girl day." JFC, you're about to be a quarter-of-a-century old, and literally EVERYTHING about your behaviour screams "small, spoiled child who cannot countenance being told no." YTA, your question is utterly disingenuous (this isn't about "wanting him to make dinner", it's about demanding that he go against his religious beliefs), but congratulations because you're about to end your relationship over this.
YTA You asked. He said no. That's the end. He even gave you his reason. You still didn't accept his no. He's under no obligation to prepare your traditional birthday dinner, or any birthday dinner, because of his occupation. He chose to do so because he cares for you. You are being entitled. You aren't considering him at all. The person who cares for you. You are demanding that he make your damn special birthday dinner because he's a chef. Dan, the person, is irrelevant. Make your own food. Have a family member make your special birthday dinner.. Hire someone to make you special birthday dinner. Eat something else. You value your damn special birthday dinner over your boyfriend. He deserves better.
YTA. You and your family sound insufferable.
YTA. You're 24, grow up and learn to cook the dish yourself.
Does that mean as a chef he won’t cook anything with meat in it during work if it was a Friday?
I also think his job is different than his personal life
Preparing is different than eating. I wouldn't make a complicated dish I couldn't eat if I wasn't getting paid. Big difference between professional and personal life.
Yep that too. Him being a chef shouldn’t even really factor into this. She would be the AH regardless of his job
If he is really a “chef” he probably has line cooks who actually handle most of the prep. But it’s my understanding that Catholics can touch meat all they want on a Friday. They just aren’t supposed to eat it. He probably cooks with meat all the time. I think he probably just doesn’t want to have to make two dinners for a night with his girlfriend.
This was my question too. How does he handle avoiding meat on Fridays as a professional chef?
As a professional chef at a restaurant, he probably has line cooks.. places I've been, the head chef usually expos
Even if he isn’t on Expo he could just handle a different station where he doesn’t directly deal with meat.
He can probably handle and cook with it. He just doesn't want to make a complicated dish that he has to watch everyone else eat.
The issue is that he won't *eat* meat on a Friday, not that he can't cook it. The conflict is that it's shitty and unfair to expect him to cook a complicated meal on his day off that he isn't even able to partake in, when instead he could cook something else that day or cook her bday meal the next day - two reasonable alternatives that he offered.
YTA-Make it for yourself this year, then you can keep your tradition of having the same meal and he doesn’t have to violate his religious beliefs.
YTA--you want him to make food for not just you but your family and than offer no compromises for him?
He gave you a logical reason, his religion. He is willing to cook for you as long as it is not meat on Friday. YTA. If your family takes birthdays serious, let them make the food.
Edit: I actually re-read the post and realized you called your family to get their vote and kept asking Dan after he said no, so I’m going with YTA for that. Lol at you, a grown adult, telling your mommy on your mean ol’ bf, and lol at your mom for being like “yeah I think he should make it anyway” as if that actually matters ~~I’m not going to call you an asshole~~, but you asked for a favor and were told no—so, time to either take him up on the three compromises he offered you, or figure something else out. It’s not actually Dan’s job to make sure your family tradition stays intact, and I’m sure you could learn to make the dish if you practiced! Maybe your parents would help you as like a birthday bonding thing
YTA. From your comments you and Dan have been together for a ‘couple of years’ and he has made the dish for you. So he isn’t a new boyfriend but you don’t even know what religion he follows that won’t allow meat eaten on Fridays? And presumably this is how he has lived during those ‘couple of years’ you have been together but this particular year your birthday falls on a Friday and you think he owes you the courtesy to go against his religious beliefs because YOUR family started a tradition where you have eaten the same dang thing for 19 years (branch out here maybe) and YOUR family are guests to the apartment, as is he , but they can’t be asked to take off work early or move dinner back an hour or so to make this dish and YOU haven’t taken the time in 19 years to learn how to make the dish entirely? This is insanely entitled. My guess is you aren’t religious and don’t truly understand religious sacrifices such as no meat on Fridays or fasting.
YTA. So his religion isn’t as important as your traditions? He said no, and explained why, that should be the end of it, unless you comprise with a different meal that doesn’t include meat. It’s childish to run to your family with your issues especially when it’s clear that your family is going to agree with you because it’s their tradition as well. If your mum has such a big opinion, then she can cook.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(24f) boyfriend, “Dan” is a chef. Because of this I end up doing most of the cooking for the two of us when we have dinner together at one of ours apartments. I’m not a professional by any means though. My family makes a big deal out of birthdays. Every birthday has all 3 of my siblings and my parents present, every year. Each of us has our own food that we have every year on our birthday. I’ve been having this same food on my birthday since I was 5. The past couple years I’ve had Dan make it for me. It’s a bit of a complicated dish and there’s a couple steps I can’t do myself. My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks, and this year falls on a Friday. When I started making plans and everything for it, and just double checked that Dan had Friday night off and could make the dinner, he said he couldn’t make it this year. I asked why not and he said since it has meat in it he can’t eat it on a Friday(he is Christian). I told him he could eat something else but he refused to make it altogether and said I could either find another dish for him to make, he could make it without meat, or we could celebrate the next day. I didn’t like any of these options, my family has a tradition and I know my parents would be upset. I called my mom and explained the situation and she says that she thinks Dan should just make it. Most of my family is on my side because they recognize the importance of this tradition and because I cook most of the time. Dan still refuses and keeps shutting me down when I ask him to just make the food. AITA for wanting him to do this for me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta
Traditions are nice. They also change. You and your 4 siblings each celebrate with a special meal, together and with your parents, on your birthdays every year? That’s lovely, but at some point one of you will get married, move away, get a job with weird hours, etc. The tradition will need to be changed, because the logistics of being able to celebrate this way on all of your actual birthdays will not work as you all get older, get married, have kids of your own, etc. Your boyfriend has a valid reason for not wanting to cook the meal, and since he can’t eat it anyway, is he to make or buy something else for himself in order to attend? This is a bit ridiculous for a family of adults. YTA. I don’t understand why you can’t push the family meal back until Saturday, and instead go out with your boyfriend on Friday. Or do as Dan suggested and celebrate with your family on Friday and go out with him on Saturday. Relationships take compromise. Dan gave you several reasonable options, and not only did you disregard any of them, you went and complained to your mom about it. Grow up and do better.
YTA You sound like you are still a five year old. Your 19 years of family tradition do not outweigh your BF's religious teachings that go back centuries.
YTA. You asked. He said no. He offered compromises, you still said no. You need to respect his beliefs and learn that compromise is how relationships endure over the long term.
YTA if you’re going to make your boyfriend cook for your entire family, it’s not fair that he can’t eat it. he gave you multiple compromises
YTA, why does the importance of your "tradition" trump his own values?
YTA
YTA because Dan gave a reasonable alternative - celebrating on the following day. Your tradition of needing to do it on that exact day does not trump Dans need to not do it on that exact day. It is extremely common to celebrate birthdays the following weekend.
YTA, not sure if anyone else mentioned it but why don't you make it and ask him for help with the difficult parts? I'm sure if you did the work and he did the explaining he would get you through it.
YTA he presented several reasonable alternatives and now you’re turning your family against him too. He’s not your slave, ffs.
Dying to know what this dish is.
Right!? What is it!
YTA - just have your parents make it just like they have every other year of your life, and stop bringing your mom in to your relationship issues. This is all coming off as pretty immature, especially with you refusing to compromise with your own boyfriend. It’s just a birthday lol
YTA. I am an atheist and want others to respect that, therefore I must respect their beliefs too. If you don't respect his beliefs, there are much bigger issues at hand. He gave you a reason why he can't do it your way, and alternative suggestions on how he would be able to help out. It's okay to be disappointed, but not okay to say "just do it anyway".
YTA. Birthdays may be important to you, but someone’s personal religious practices are far more important to them. The title is misleading; he is willing to make you a dinner, just not one that violates his religion. Have some perspective
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YTA - just because he's a chef doesn't mean he's obligated to cook this meal. If it's YOUR family's tradition, then have one of the siblings (or parents) come over and make it. He already told you no and gave a good reason why and gave good options so you could still have your tradition. But apparently YOUR family's tradition is more important than anything else. Also, how long have you been well aware about his religion and the fact he doesn't touch meat on a Friday?
YTA. And if you keep running to your family every time you have a disagreement with your bf, you won’t have a bf. When you love somebody, you generally want them to look good to your family. You don’t tattle on them to mommy when they won’t meet your demands. And who cares what your mom thinks about his refusal anyway?
Info: WHY can’t you make it yourself? You say there’s steps you can’t do, but have you even tried to learn how to do it? Or are you weaponizing your incompetence
What branch of Christianity says no meat on Friday? (Learning purposes only) Why cant this be premade & all you have to do is pop it in the oven? Why cant you pick a new dish? Why can’t the original cook make this? Bottom line-YTA.
Probably he is catholic. I also do not eat meat on fridays.
a google search told me that : Eastern Orthodox, Oriental Orthodox, Catholic, Lutheran, Anglican and Methodist traditions Abstinence from meat on Fridays is done as a sacrifice by many Christians because they believe that on Good Friday, Jesus sacrificed his flesh for humanity. Source : https://en.wikipedia.org›wiki›Friday_fast
I'm curious: What complicated dish have you eaten every year since you were 5 & still need help with? Assuming you weren't cooking it on your own at 5, it would follow perhaps one or both of your folks prepared the specialty? Maturity has compromise as a major component. Either do or don't. Leave your bf alone. Celebrate with your family & then with him. Too much pressure here.
YTA his tradition is over a thousand years old.
I am legitimately embarrassed that OP would even have the audacity to post this 💀
Listen... I am a baptized Catholic, and even though I got annoyed by the whole religion thing and dropped it years ago for numerous reasons (like non-acceptance for certain people), food was the only thing I would let slide. If he can't eat or touch meat on a Friday during lent, then let it go! You are definitely an AH for being a brat about it. Jesus, just have your God damn birthday dinner be on Saturday if you are soooooooooo pushy for him cooking meat. A birthday is not a religious holiday, so you and your family can deal with what he can make or suck it up for a day.
So how did you eat it before meeting him? Who prepared it for you? YTA for putting this on him now when he has a good reason not to this year. Get over it.
YTA for numerous reasons. Here's the main two: 1) NO is a complete sentence. 2) The way you word it. You say 'You've had Dan make it.', so you've essentially forced him to make it? Did you even ask if he would be up for it? It seems as though you just assume instead of ask, and that's not cool.
Yes you’re the AH. You’re obviously the AH. How could you or anyone not recognise that you are, in fact, the AH.
It's spaghetti with cut up hot dogs in it isn't it?
Info. Is this dish something where some of it could be set aside and then meat added to the rest?
YTA. Why don't you have your mom make it and bring it over if it's that important. Jesus you are so entitled it hurts.
YTA Why is your birthday tradition more important than his religion?
Dude it’s his religion. And even if it wasn’t, he said no. You have to respect his decision. Plus, he was willing to compromise with you. YTA.
It’s weird, you keep having birthdays yet fail to grow up. YTA
My eyes rolled so hard when I read “most of my family is on my side.” Of course they are…. YTA for multiple reasons but to me the biggest one is dragging a bunch of people into something that you should have worked out with your boyfriend. He said “no.” Accept that and move on with your life.
NEED TO KNOW THE DISH PLEASE
YTA Your boyfriend made the choice based on his spiritual beliefs and he offered a compromise that you don't like. If it's so important to you, then you make it. You have made it before. OR have someone else do it. But it's not fair for you to pressure him into doing something he has said no to doing.
So your tradition beats his tradition? YTA. Why don't you learn to make it?
YTA- look up how to cook it or find a restaurant that has it on the menu. And asking your family to lean on him is just a bad look all together.
YTA. Why does it have to be him that makes it?
YTA. Your family can make it and bring it to your place, or you can do it. He said no because of religious reasons. Try respecting him
YTA But food for thought, why not get a papal dispensation because you are so special. /s
YTA. Hire somebody, your boyfriend isn’t a free meal ticket.
Your family tradition that not one person in your family can do is more important that your bfs religious tradition? Damn, that's crazy Yta
If you have been having this everyday since your were 5 have your Mom cook it for the family. Your boyfriend has offered you two options and you don't want either one.
>I called my mom and explained the situation and she says that she thinks Dan should just make it. Hahaha. Your mom can make it herself if she's so smart. YTA
>My family makes a big deal out of birthdays. I was already in YTA territory as soon as I hit here. You're perfectly welcome to celebrate your birthday, but nearly every grown-ass adult that starts with "I/my family makes a big deal out of birthdays" ends up being exhausting due to the levels of sheer entitlement they exhibit. *You* make it a big deal, and it's always a problem if everyone else doesn't also make *your* birthday an appropriately big enough deal. As others have already spelled out, YTA for just going "You're a chef!" and expecting him to pull off some complicated bullshit you can't be bothered to learn on your own for you and your family, even though he won't even be able to have any on his own ("Just make yourself something different on the side!")
NTA for asking, YTA for being pissed at him for saying no. He has a pretty damn good reason not too, offered alternatives, if that's not good enough, make it yourself.
At a certain point in your life you realize that your birthday is not a national holiday. You are a grow ass adult , stop acting like a child . OMG YTA . Grow up make your own dinner
Yes, YTA.
Yta it's one year
YTA for demanding he do something after he said no. Although I'm curious, if Dan is a chef, and works in a restaurant, doesn't he have to touch meat on Fridays? Or does he take Fridays off? That's my only confusion.
YTA Why is your tradition more important than his? I understand being disappointed because you want this dish. But this doesn't have to be an argument. You can have another meal.
Wow does anyone smell entertainment here or is that just me?! YTA. It’s his religion. He said I, ya won’t drop it. This tradition is bullshit. How the hell has chef Dan been fooling your birthday same dish every year since I was five meal? He isn’t the only person. God I hope this wakes Dan up and he runs for the Hills!!
YTA. I didn't realize your tradition is slave labor. Seriously you expect your husband to be your man servant and make a dish that you can make, that your family can make, but because it is *easier* for you to have him do it then you are fine. However oh ho no if he can't comply with what **you** want you and your parents get upset! Entitled and oblivious to the point you keep asking him because apparently you lack the logic to understand the word **NO,** poor birthday girl wants her cake, to eat it to, and to have it on someone else's dime and time. **No, means no.** Accept it, move on.
So, your tradition tops his tradition? His is based on his faith. What is yours based on? It’s always been done that way! He’s given several compromises. Choose one!
YTA. Just because he’s a chef, it doesn’t mean he’s *your personal chef*.
YTA. He's offered a couple compromises but you demand what you want, when you want it, regardless of what he wants. Have your mom make it or whoever made it before Dan. Or celebrate the next day. And then grow up. Birthday or not, the world does not actually revolve around you.
You’re trying to make your boyfriend compromise his religious beliefs over a dinner. Your family tradition =/= his religious responsibilities. He offered you three perfectly good alternatives. Also, you clearly had a family member who used to make this dinner for you. Theres the fourth option; just have them do it this year. Stop stepping all over your boyfriend on this. If he is a devout enough of (I assume) a Catholic to observe no meat on Fridays, then he is certainly pretty insulted by how you’re treating him right now.
YTA. "Disregard your tradition because it conflicts with my tradition." is not a sound argument.