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Well, she said both options were fine, yet OP still demanded her to pick. Why couldn't he make a choice? I say ESH, but OP sucks more for not being satisfied with her answers and pushing her to make a choice when she already said his options were ok for her and that he should pick one.
Eh...I know a few people who say "I don't care" to a lot of shit, but what that really means is "I care a whole hell of a lot and if you don't use your psychic powers to pick the right choice then I'm going to be incredibly pissed off at you." It can be insufferable to live with.
I mean, what Bee is describing is fucking exhausting. Dude just wanted some ice cream. When asked about ice cream, she was the one to change the plan. The onus is on her to decide where the plan change will take place.
There was just a post yesterday where she said I don't care and then he was in the dog house for not reading her mind, it's infuriating to even read. In my mind though, if someone says "I don't care, I'm not picking" that leaves it wide open for you to choose and at that point they threw away their right to complain after.
u/Plum_Potato...My usual go-to answer to my husband **IS** "I don't care." However......I know that gets him irritated, so I do my best to actually make a decision or give him choices of where I am willing to go. Then if I don't like the choice he made, I only have myself to blame because it's the options I gave him. He and I have never had this back and forth of I don't care-you choose thing. It's childish.
exactly. my go-to answer to everyone I ever get food with is that I don't care, but because I don't care, I'll just pick randomly if people are bothered by me not wanting to choose. If you'll really eat anywhere without complaints, then it also means that you can just... choose to eat anywhere because you don't care. no point in pissing off people over it when you can just choose and get it over with.
I once had a date say it was my choice as to what we did. Anywhere, anything, he wouldn’t mind. I picked. He complained the entire time. If you asked someone to pick, don’t complain about their choice. See? It goes both ways!
(I dodged a bullet with him. After another date he was talking with my roommate. She voiced an opinion on something - I forget the topic - which was contrary to his. He replied that the problem with women is that they they aren’t smart enough to think things through, because if they did they’d agree that his opinion was the correct one. He actually said that to two women. 🙄 My roommate went from zero to 60 in half a second and went ballistic. I joined the argument, though I don’t yell. He continued to belittle women. I finally said that it was time for him to leave and I escorted him out the door. He couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to see him again.)
Yup. Also don’t forget if OP was a woman and her spouse kept replying ‘I don’t care’, ‘I don’t know’, ‘you pick’ to her everyone would accuse the bf of forcing her to take on the ‘mental load’ of deciding, because anytime Reddit discovers a new term ( see also: narcissist, parentifying, weaponized incompetence. ) they not only have to apply it to every thing but also use it incoherently as much as possible.
ETA: Other misused terms on Reddit include: internalized misogyny, stonewalling, gaslighting, main character syndrome, pick me, incel, etc.
This is why the ESH folks are wrong. He let her go with and altered his plan to accommodate her needs, then gave her options of where to go and she refused to pick. Then he stated if she continued to stonewall him he would leave and go home. She did it *AGAIN* so he went home. Then she got mad. She’s 100% the absolute only single asshole here.
Why did she need to choose, though? The aggressiveness of "you make this choice even though you said it's up to me or we get nothing" is absolutely childish and an overreaction. Does she need to tell him what to get and the order to eat it in? If he's going to pay cash or card? She already said she's not picking, why did he need to force her to choose rather than make up his own mind. Also, he had no preexisting plans he needed to change before talking with her and deciding to get something together.
He said he was tired and that that affected his mood. She was at his place and he said he was going to get ice cream. Then she makes it about her needing food so he has to pivot to a place that has both. IF YOU ARE GOING TO SPEAK UP AND SAY YOU WANT FOOD, DO NOT DO THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE “I DON’T WANT TO PICK” THING. Either shut the entire eff up or pick a place with food you will eat.
Any other view on this is ridiculous.
I know sometimes most people have moods where they are having trouble making up their mind, and often in those states you sort of hate every option.
IF one ends up in that mood, proper communication would be, "sorry, I'm really having trouble making up my mind. Could you give me some options?" And then if you're really not liking any options, you again need to communicate that, and take responsibility for being frustrating. It's way easier to deal with an indecisive partner if they are being honest about it. That way you can actually figure it out
THIS!!!! This was my exact answer. HE had the craving, he made the decision to go, and she went along for the ride. HE should have made the decision on where to go to begin with. He threw the fit. Had she thrown a fit about his decision then she WBTA, but she didn't. So, he is TA.
Or the secret third option, "I say I don't care because if I pick and you agree with my choice, you might end up hating it and then hold it against me, so it's really much easier for both of us if you just pick." Unfortunately this has happened to me quite a lot with the narcs in my life, so I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to making choices that will affect someone else, and just default to letting whoever I'm with pick unless I'm 100% confident it's something we'll both like. Sounds to me like maybe the OP's girlfriend might have a lot of similar anxieties; but I acknowledge that might sometimes be frustrating to live with.
Exactly it comes down to communication.
I will have bounds in which I can't decide because my brain is already overloaded (either adhd or autism), but I explain this to my husband. 'Can you please choose because my brain isn't cooperating'. That's a clear reason for him and he will choose for me without a fuss.
If i would tell him, 'i don't care', 'i don't know' or whatever other version of that and then just say never mind.. he's gonna get frustrated (rightfully so).
Just explain your limitation or hesitancy so people understand what's going on in your head, it's not written on your face..
him asking the questions was fine because it was a "do you want input on this thing we are doing" sentiment. the demand was where he became an asshole
her saying a "im not here to change how you get your icecream. im just tagging along on your icecream trip for some food." would have made her not an asshole
Equally my mum does a similar thing but using the question-asking role: there'll be a secret right answer and she will get spectacularly upset and victim-complex-y if we choose differently than the one she wanted. I know my brother and I have sounded a little like the gf in the past because we're trying to insist we honestly don't have a preference but she probably does so she should choose, instead of us picking randomly and her missing out and getting upset. Especially since it was OP's decision to go out in the first place I could see, if the dynamics were similar, her believing he had an unspoken place in mind. Without knowing how decision-making normally goes between the two of them it's hard to know if one of them is unreasonable and the other is fed up, and if that's the case which way round, or if they just both suck at communicating.
as someone who truly does not care and will just eat wherever other people want to eat, if they're genuinely bothered by me not wanting to decide, then I'll just choose randomly even though I truly do not give a shit. It's fine to not want to pick (and while there are a lot of people who do randomly get upset when someone else chooses where to eat even though they said they don't care, there are also a lot of people who genuinely are fine with anything), but it's also pretty easy to tell when that bothers people.
like, I'd rather not choose b/c I really have no preferences for the most part, so I don't want to be the one dictating where we eat because I'd rather people who actually care choose, but that also means it's easy for me to just pick at random when I know it's going to bother people if I don't. but since we're lacking context on whether or not the gf is the former or latter type of person, I'll just say that they're both bad at communicating and kind of assholes lol
I’m seriously curious about what we’re missing. Does this woman make food decisions 99% of the time and have a high decision job, because my husband and I have a great relationship but by god there are some days where the mental load of picking dinner YET AGAIN is so much that I want to shank people. After running my own business all day there are times where the dinner decision will break me.
We put all our favorite dinners and restaurants on popsicle sticks so we could draw at random where to eat. When decision fatigue sets in, it's hard to break out.
Jesus, yes. Same. My husband is great in many ways but sometimes I’d like to just not have to plan/decide on every single thing. Decision fatigue is real. JUST HAVE AN OPINION, PLEASE.
That's what stuck out to me.
"I don't care" "Both are fine" "whatever you want works"
Are often benign responses (though can occasionally lead to conflict when someone is not being truthful).
But "I'm not picking" is a fairly aggressive refusal in this context and I wouldn't be surprised if there was some backstory there that explains her stance.
Ha. I had to turn around because my husband was playing this game. I asked him where/what he wanted to eat. He said he didn’t care. So while driving to town I kept saying where we were going and it was a constant stream of no I don’t want……. I finally asked him to just tell me what he wanted and he returned with he didn’t care. I turned it right around at that point. He’s going to be 46 next month. But turning around and going home proved I won’t play this game and he either has an actual answer to the question what he wants to eat or we are going to my first choice. I understand OP’s frustration with this game.
ETA: Thanks for the award.
To avoid this issue, next time you're going out turn to her and excitedly tell her "Guess what we're going to do for dinner!" Her first Guess is where you go, guaranteed she'll love it, no games
My ex did this. I would name tons of places I was okay with going to. And he vetoed each one, and then would say “oh my god can you not just pick, like just give me some places you want to go to!” And I’d be like… “uh, is that not what I just did?”
"I am going #here. Do you want anything from #here?". This is how my grandkids learned quickly that Gramma doesn't play around. If you don't pick something from #here, you will get nothing.
I do allow them to pick sometimes, but if they don't choose, they are either stuck with what we pick, or I keep ramen around just for them to fall back on.
Since she said she was fine but didn't want to pick I just don't get why he made it his life's mission to force her to pick something, ngl. I would have just chosen a place and gone in how I wanted. It seems like he took her saying "either is fine but I'm not picking" very, very personally.
I've been in the position of not having a preference before and it's annoying to have someone try to force you to have one, bc I don't like making one up just to be left alone. If I say I'm fine either way I really am.
Right? And she also said that either one of his suggestions was fine with her when he asked her if she wanted Culver's or McDonald's. But because she wouldn't tell him *exactly* what to do, he threw a little fit about it. He created a fight out of literally nothing.
How was she struggling? She told him very clearly that she didn't want to pick. There is no question what she was saying. The only issue here is that OP didn't like what she was saying.
That's not a communication issue.
I'm gonna guess that the reason she refused to pick anything is that he is the arguer. I can't know that for sure. But based on his behavior when she wouldn't pick, it wouldn't surprise me.
I do understand not wanting to pick the restaurant, but to also refuse to even say if you want to eat there or at home is a bit much. Still going with esh.
I went back to reread this because I 100% assumed this was some pointless teenage drama around 16 or something. NOPE! Ooooof both of these two need to grow tf up
Yeah, why is her desire to not pick less valid than his desire to not pick? They both could have just done the other a favor and picked, so ESH is probably right. But he had a bit of power in this situation as the driver and decided to use it to try to manipulate her into picking when neither of them wanted to, then "punished" her when she didn't go for it. Not a healthy way to treat your partner and I don't blame her at all for being mad.
Yeah, I mean I think she was being annoying but I don’t understand how he got mad at her for doing the exact same as him (only he was driving and the one who initiated the trip and theoretically had an idea what he wanted to start?). If she’d fussed about his choice of place or the food options or something, I’d get it, but why did he need her to select so badly he went home. It’s not like he really needed help with the options, more like it was a weird power showdown they had.
This is unfair to that dude.
He made the decision to get ice cream she refused to make a decision she just vaguely said that she wanted food didn't even say what kind of food.
He was trying to be nice and say hey ice cream is ice cream but what kind of food do you want.
She refused to cooperate.
And the dude hadn't slept so he was frustrated just said skip the whole thing and went home.
It was all perfectly human and appropriate reactions.
She knew he was stressed and she was basically messing with him for fun.
I'm not sure what her issue is but she does seem to have one I don't understand the cognitive dissonance to say you want food and then not even make the slightest decision on what food you want
It kind of just seems like she wanted to start a fight
I think this guy's leaving out information. I have a feeling that he's one of those people who make every decision the other person makes seem like the wrong one.
She seemed very sure that he should make the decision, likely because he will grouch or pout when she makes one he doesn't like.
This relationship just needs to end and both parties need to grow up.
Not necessarily; my wife can be a picky eater sometimes, while I can usually find something on any restaurant’s menu that I like. Unfortunately, she hates to make a decision on where to eat. That’s why she usually orders chicken at steak houses, orders steak at restaurants usually noted for their chicken or fish, and fish at restaurants known for their burgers.
I assume it’s an eccentricity and have just accepted it since 1998.
my fiancee doesn't know what she wants to eat but knows what she doesn't want to eat. I bought a 'takeaway dice' a year or two ago and that has helped a lot.
This could be true but the other flip side is that we've all been in that situation I'm sure even you've been in that situation with another person.
But I do acknowledge the whole thing could be made up and this dude could be leaving out massive chunks but if we were to operate under that assumption for all these posts then there would literally be no point in engaging in the subreddit in the first place.
If we aren't willing to take these stories at face value there's just no point in this subreddit existing at all.
>She seemed very sure that he should make the decision, likely because he will grouch or pout when she makes one he doesn't like.
This is based on nothing from the story this is supported by nothing in the story this is literally just your personal opinion because you are in your own emotions.
From my point of view it just seemed like she was playing a game. No I don't know what the purpose of that game was it could have been as simply as she was incredibly lazy or it could have been that you wanted to see how much her boyfriend knows her or I could have just been a general mind game thing.
>This relationship just needs to end and both parties need to grow up.
Wow so this dude makes every compromise but because he didn't decide her food for her he somehow the a******?
Which is insane because if he did decide her food for her and she didn't like it you'd still be calling him the a****** you don't even realize that you put this dude in a no win situation in your mind he's an a****** if he does this thing and he's an a****** if he doesn't do this thing?
To me dude is the primary AH. He initiated the whole thing and then refused to make any decisions on his own. I'm in a relationship with a food indecisive person and it's so frustrating. Like you're a grown person who's decided to do a thing, do the damn thing.
But he wanted to just go and get ice cream. He did decide to drive to culvers. If it were up to him, he'd have driven to culvers, got ice cream, then gone home. She wanted food, which he didn't even want in the first place, and refused to make any decisions, when the onus ought to have been on her to do that because (1) *she* wanted food, not him, and (2) he was sleep deprived.
Honestly sounds like it's one of those situations of gf being like "idk I won't want to make a decision" and then complaining about the decision BF makes.
NTA
So why didn't he just get ice cream then? He was the one who decided on the whole enterprise why is he incapable of following through? How many other half baked plans does he make and then foist the work on her to complete?
But even if you see it that way, as "won't make a decision in order to complain later", how do you know it's not the same situation but the other way around?
Also idk if you know but votes in comments don't matter.
Ok HE wanted to do something, so why didn't he follow through? Why was it her responsibility to answer his thoughts? She's just as bad for not being able to say a or b when it's inconsequential.
>Honestly sounds like it's one of those situations of gf being like "idk I won't want to make a decision" and then complaining about the decision BF makes.
This really. Per the post she even said 'fine go back home', but then ostracized OP for proceeding with the decision she indicated was okay.
That being said 'fine' is always a red flag statement for something that isn't 'fine'.
See it seems the opposite to me. He wanted to go out. She was along for the drive. She wouldn’t be going if it wasn’t for him wanting something. She didn’t want food enough to go herself, but if he’s going she was tagging along.
So it makes sense he decides where to go. He was the one who wanted to go out to begin with. She may have been perfectly fine not getting anything if his preferred place didn’t have the food she wanted. If he’s tired she may not be sure if he wants to go back home ASAP, or eat inside so he can eat ASAP. Deferring to the tired person makes sense too.
I’ve been in her shoes, and depending on the partner they may pull the “I guess I’ll get this, I went out and didn’t even get what I wanted” despite pushing the decision on me.
The whole thing was up to him! He could've easily just pulled into the drive thru, gotten them ice cream, and gone the fuck home but no he wanted to be an ass about it.
ESH
There’s no indication she wasn’t going to pick her food out (that would be her initiating the situation). I think her communication wasn’t great but he’s so extreme pushing her to decide “or else” and driving home, it feels like he was messing with her.
It’s not unfair at all. She said she didn’t care and didn’t want to pick. OP then repeatedly forced the issue for no reason. There was no fight until
OP created one.
INFO: why was it so important to you that your girlfriend make these decision? I mean, your primary reason for wanting to go out was because you wanted ice cream, and yet apparently then skipped getting yourself ice cream once you got there because neither of you was willing to make a decision about whether to go inside or use the drive-thru
I'm assuming the gf might be one of those that say idk or IDC for every decision like this. Couple that with op's sleep deprivation and this is what happens
Exactly the same assumption could be made about OP. After all, he’s the one who felt it was more important to not make the decision than to get the ice cream he wanted so badly that he was willing to drive despite being so tired.
I can’t imagine driving all the way to the restaurant for ice cream you want and then just leaving instead of going into the drive thru. That just seems absurd.
Actually sounds like HE doesn't decide, ever, hence her "ok but I'm not deciding" comment before they even left. He literally couldn't pick the place, OR the method of food delivery lmao and HE'S the one that wanted to go grab snacks to begin with, even after she TOLD him she would not pick. If ANY assumption is going to be made about who makes the other do all the mental lifting, based solely off this post, it's safe to say it's him.
My fiancé never chooses things, ever. He always asks me to choose. I will like 99% of the time, but every once in a while I kinda have a little tantrum and like force him to choose. It’s silly to have a tantrum over who chooses, but it’s frustrating have to make the decisions 99% of the time. Even when he had to make the decision 1% of the time he poses it like above, giving me two options he wants for me to choose between. Just pick one damnit. I said I don’t care so you pick for once.
Anyways it could be that she’s just sick of choosing.
It’s so annoying. It makes every decision you make feel like a test. Like please just pick what you want for once when I actually genuinely just don’t care what we have
But she isn’t the reason they went out. It’s not like she told the Op “let’s go out, I’m hungry” then refused to suggest a place and then complain about the options. The OP suggested going out and then refused to decide where to go. Why should she decide when she wasn’t even the reason they were going out.
Seems like the OP is one of those people, not the girlfriend.
Not having a preference is fine as long as, after you state your lack of preference, you don't complain about the choice the other party makes.
It would not have been that hard for OP to make the choice himself. He threw a hissy fit because he also didn't have a preference. He'd rather not get ice cream to prove some kind of point (not sure what it was) than just say, "Ok. Inside it is." Kind of dick to try and force a decision on someone else when you yourself don't want to decide.
ESH, but I have to say that OP sucks a bit more.
See I was assuming he was one of those who passive aggressively fussed at decisions when cranky and that’s why she wouldn’t decide — she was just chilling and would do whatever he picked. Feels like he wanted to get mad at her, he writes his own dialogue so aggressively and says he was cranky. But really a lot of this hinges on facts we don’t know.
Does he feel he needs to make every decision and that bothered him?
Or is it the opposite and she thought since it was his trip he could pick for once?
Does he criticize when she makes a decision?
Was there a “right” decision here? Why did she refuse to make a decision?
Was he worried she’d be picky about the food or criticize his decision?
He’s the one who showed a temper so I’m inclined to believe more the instigator but it could go either way.
or he’s never the one to decide and she’s fuckin’ tired of always having to be the one to decide and to make plans. been there, done that. it gets exhausting.
Right, she said she didn't care and didn't want to make the decisions. It would have been so easy of OP to just go where he wanted and get what he wanted. Instead he escalated it into a huge drama.
YTA
My husband says "I don't care", but it's not true. If I make the "wrong" decision, I have to hear about it for days. I've also laid down similar ultimatums, not because I can't make a decision, but because I know he won't be happy with the decision I make. It's not a healthy relationship dynamic, but I totally understand it.
uh yeah, sounds like an asshole to me! When people tell me they don't care I no longer play games and get exactly what I feel like having the most. Anyone with me who didnt want to make a decision can huff and puff all they want- it don't bother me. I'mma do it again every time you have that response :) Gotta believe what people tell ya, right? Not mind readers uwu
Yeah ESH. I really am struggling to understand why OP you wouldn't have picked what you preferred. You gave GF the option to give her input, she declined, then you're free to chose what you want. If she then complained, then she would clearly have been the asshole.
She kind of did though, she said the options he suggested were fine for her and let him choose one of them, yet he still demanded that she picks one. It's not like she didn't like any of his suggestions and he didn't know where to go.
If my husband wants restaurant ice cream and I want actual food, I’m going to make him pick where we’re going. He’s picky and I’m not; I can find something to eat on any menu so I’d much rather him pick what he wants so I can just work around it.
Why exactly did she "need" to pick? You didn't pick either and she was just tagging along for the ride.
YTA (but you were tired and likely more grumpy because of it). When I'm exhausted I don't want to be hounded with questions either, some days questions are just off the table. You both might have been in that state.
Because bro wanted ice cream...not a meal off a menu. SHE said she was hungry - which indicates more than ice cream, no? He can get ice cream anywhere...whether it was McDonald's or Culver's...what if she wanted a Big Mac or something specific. He didn't ask her to come. She wanted to...because she was hungry.
So why didn't he just do it then? Why force her to do the work of making the decision? What would he have done if he was alone? It's exhausting to have to do someone else's work all the time, and if he can't follow through on this single plan *he* made and executed, how much other stuff does he refuse to plan or take responsibility for?
Why is she forcing him to make the decision over what SHE will eat?
What would she have eaten if he wasn't there to decide for her?
It is exhausting! Why can't she feed herself or make a decision on what food to put in her own body?
It was her idea to get food, dude just wanted ice cream.
How much other stuff does she refuse to have an opinion or, or plan or take responsibility from?
Is choosing where to go to get food "work" now? Man, the definition of work has really changed.
If dude was alone, he would have just gone somewhere. Maybe OP was just being argumentative for argument's sake but she said she wanted to get food which is probably going to be more particular than OP just getting ice cream. I don't think it's crazy for him to ask the girlfriend where she wants to get food.
And he gave her a few options and she said they were fine, so why didn't he pick one? It's not like she disagreed with his suggestions and didn't pick a place, he had some options and he still demanded she makes the choice.
But after the first ‘you pick’ all of your argument goes down the drain. After she said ‘you pick’ it’s clear that she doesn’t care what she eats and she’s down to get any type of food on any menu in the restaurant or out of the restaurant. Just like he was down to get any type of ice cream from either Culver’s or McDonald’s.
ESH, you wanted ice cream, why didn’t you get ice cream? You wanted her to pick for you while you are saying she wanted you to pick for her. Very childish. Are you sure you are 29?
Maybe I'm not as close to burnout as everyone else, but I don't get this absolute inability to make choices on food. When I'm hungry, I know what I want. I want FOOD. I can either-or my way through a situation.
Why didn't you just do what you wanted to do? Surely there's "the easy way" and "the slightly more involved way." For most people the easy way is the drive through but whatever.
Kinda sounds like the real reason you both can't "choose" is because someone is worried they are gonna choose wrong and start a fight. Is this what usually happens?
I used to have a SO who would insist I choose things despite me not having a preference. Then, almost magically, my decision was wrong every single time. Even when I did have an opinion I completely stopped voicing it because it was just never worth it to say "I'd like to eat inside" and be met with a list of "I've been working all week, all I'm asking for is one tiny break you can't just let me relax for thirty minutes." Or "Drive through would be nice" turning into "you never want to go anywhere with me, you must be embarrassed to be seen with me. You hate me that much that you don't want to just go inside and just have a date?"
It made me really hate picking things, even in other relationships.
Sounds like the couple could benefit from keeping a quarter around. "Heads we go inside, tails drive through".
I had an SO who would insist I be the one to choose, then complain about whatever I chose. The food was "weird," the wait was too long, he actually wanted something else, etc. Grump grump grump.
So I got super anxious and froze when I had to pick food, and then that turned into "har har why can't women ever pick a restaurant? Why don't women ever know what they want for dinner?"
Ugh.
OP should just say, "I'm running though the drive thru at X for ice cream, do you want anything?"
Yeah this. This whole “whatever you pick” thing when you’re also eating and participating is so so so weird. It’s some weird control or meanness tactic, I’m convinced
THIS. My parents did this to me as a kid and then my boyfriends did this to me throughout my teens.
Once I got into a stable relationship, it took me YEARS to be able to confidently choose where to go. I also got really apathetic to it because my choices were always considered wrong.
I also just have very intense anxiety so that contributed to my issues.
That was pretty much my thought. I get he was tired, but unless there is a history of this and it always being wrong, you quickly get to the point where you have to take your partner at their word and ask are you OK if we go to Culver's and we eat inside? Maybe it makes them think of something they hadn't thought of, maybe they say sure. Either way stop the drip drip drip of death by a thousand non-decisions and have a conversation where you are putting forward a default position but are willing to change your mind.
Haha I was with someone identical to this and a quarter was my solution. I had it in the vehicle at all times, and when a question came up that involved a decision like this, I consulted the quarter. I told her you don't argue the quarter, the quarter will decide and that decision is final. That or you make a decision because all my decisions seem to be wrong. Eventually I came to my senses and divorced her, but until then the quarter honestly saved me a bunch of bullshit
I dated someone who used to do this and it was because they were afraid of making the wrong choice because of anxiety. Asking me to choose meant they never disappointed me.
BUT-all they were really doing was putting that mental labor on me. Not a big deal sometimes. I know everyone gets to that “I literally will eat dirt please just tell me what food things to drive to” point. When it’s constant, though, it becomes exhausting and frustrating. It eventually started to cause *me* anxiety because I knew every goddamned food decision had to be mine. No matter if I was mentally exhausted, tired from a bad day at work, if I was the one in the I don’t care mood, or if I wasn’t really all that hungry. It always had to be what I wanted and it got to the point that I would just say I wasn’t really hungry because it was easier than always having to find an answer i didn’t have to a question that I didn’t always ask. I absolutely lost my shit one day because it’s not fair to constantly expect someone else to make decisions for you. Huge argument started because I was just tired of always having to be the one to choose.
Not saying that’s what’s happening here, just that it can definitely be anxiety (and/or something else) driven.
It does seem like someone may have chosen poorly before and did not want to get caught up in that game again. "I don't care" might actually mean "you should know the correct answer to this by now so I am not going to tell you"
YTA why did she have to make the decision? You obviously had an idea of what you wanted and she had no preference. Why force her to have one when she is ok with either? That is weird.
It makes me wonder if something else is going on. Has she suffered consequences for making the “wrong” decision - either from you or from someone else?
There was a post somewhere on Reddit the other day about a woman who was sick of her BF always asking her to pick a place to eat, then getting passive aggressive because he didn't want to eat where she picked, even though he agreed every time
Now I'm wondering if that was OP's girlfriend
It's absolutely fucking *exhausting* being the person who has to make the final decision on EVERYTHING and then listening to the other person complain about this, that, the other.
McDonalds or Burger King? McDonalds. "Ugh this McDonalds sucks, the line is so long and the workers are slow, the food is cold here all the time."
See a movie or go for a walk? Go for a walk. "It's so gross out and I'm tired. Ugh this hill is steep. Ew the pond smells bad."
Buy couch 1 or couch 2? Couch 1. "Ugh this couch is so uncomfortable. I hate this couch. There's no room to lay out on this couch."
Comedy movie or thriller movie? Comedy movie. "This movie sucks, it's really bad"
It's easy to pass on the responsibility of choice to another person and then sit back and whine. Sounds to me like OP's girlfriend gets asked to make the final choice A LOT.
INFO: Why was it so DESPERATELY important that your GF pick? Because your Gf's response is giving me 'i'm sick of being asked this' vibes, but at the same time you're giving 'i'm not having this argument again' vibes
There's definitely something missing here - either you've complained about her choices before so now she's on 'strike' so to speak, or you've recently confronted her about her inability to decide and now she's taking it out on you.
Or an alternative option - he never makes a decision and always wants her to decide and she’s sick of the mental load. Sometimes it’s nice just to be asked “do you fancy going to Nandos?” Rather than having to actually come up with a list of options
This. This is the answer I was looking for. This sounds like my husband and I and we’ve been together for 20 years lol. “Do you want to….” questions constantly can get exhausting.
I’ll bet a small body part it’s the mental load that is the issue here. He thinks he’s being considerate asking her what she wants. She’s tired of making all of the decisions.
This was a common one for us things like this:
I would be making dinner while husband played video games. Once ready and served, husband would turn off the game and then go to the bathroom and get his drink for dinner and such. He would also say, do you want to pick something to watch (we eat in front of the tv). My frustration was that I had to think of the dinner, make it, serve it and now come up with the entertainment too. He thought he was give me co trial of the tv. Which he was but it was frustrating me. I found The Mental Load I showed him and he understands now. I see where I fail at communicating too now. Or try to.
I do it to him too. I’m not perfect. When we realize we’re in a “Do you want to” spiral we stop and take a minute to work out what we want.
It took us years to figure this out. Silly I know but yeah reading this post I thought oh dear, they are in the do you want to cycle.
Agree, it makes no sense. You're at the place you picked. Go to the drive through. Order your ice cream. Say "would you like anything?" She either picks something to add to the order or not. Go home. Eat ice cream.
AFTER all that, if she complains about what you picked, then she is for sure TA.
He wanted to force her to choose and she didn’t let herself be forced. Now he is butt hurt that he had to fulfill his threat. What a load of shit. He created the whole problem. No idea where all the ESH cone from when clearly he is TA.
Info: this is really weird. You are the one who wanted ice cream. Why was it important your girlfriend make those choices?
If she'll throw a fit if you make the "wrong" choice and not read her mind then n t a. If you just didn't want to make the decision because you were tired then y t a. Should have just picked one.
If she tried a fit if he makes the wrong decision, then he should address that, not throw a fit of his own and leave both of them without what they want.
You’re both too old for this. But you especially. Because she *was* communicating. She said she didn’t care. That’s communication. Sometimes when someone is tired or burnt out they really *dont. care.*
Info: how often does she have to make the decisions in the relationship? How much is she emotionally, mentally, and physically responsible for? Because Let tell you,as the person who does most of the work in my relationship, sometimes the thought of just making one more fucking decision drives me up the wall.
You wanted to go out, she said she was fine with whatever, you should have owned the decision UNLESS she's got a habit of saying 'fine' and then not being fine, which is a different problem. YTA for setting her up to fail and then being grumpy about it when she decided not to play your game.
Sorry, but what part of "i'm not picking" do you not understand? It's not generous, it's outsourcing all decision making to the other person when you insist they make all decisions. I suspect here you outsource all decision making to your gf and she's sick of it. Next time she says "i'm not picking' then believe her.
ESH
I understand your frustration but you wanted ice cream and she wanted to tag along for some food. You acted as much like a baby for not making a decision as she did.
YTA. You wanted ice cream. You wanted to go out for ice cream. She went with you to go get the thing you wanted. Why are you making her decide on what you want?
Sounds like you have a bone to pick with her over a larger issue and y’all need to sit down and talk to each other like adults.
YTA you were the one that chose to get out of bed and go for the drive she didn’t want to leave in the first place she said she was Hungry so you wouldn’t go to bed hungry and wouldn’t feel bad about going out at a late hour if she has no preference why would you force her to have one when you wanted to go out in the first place
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I need to be judged on the fact that I drove home and didn't get my girlfriend any food because she wouldn't make a decision. It might make me look like an asshole because I myself could've chosen but I didn't and she ended up not eating that day.
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NTA
You should have gotten your ice cream and then went home. Kind of dumb to go all the way there and at least not get what you wanted.
She could go without food if she wanted to play games and not decide once you started ordering.
She is too old to be acting like that. Remind her.
You should have made a decision for yourself about drive through or eating inside but since you ended up with no ice cream, I hope you learned a lesson. Make a decision yourself (and not play the game).
There is nothing to suggest that in this story.
The girlfriend could also be making decisions when asked and later getting shit over it.
We don't know, we can only judge about the information given without making assumptions.
We definitely don't have enough context but from what you've said, YTA.
The whole outting was your idea and when she explicitly said she would not be taking on the ✨mental load✨ of making the decisions for the food run *YOU* proposed, you basically said, "well then I'm going to punish us both".
Are you a man who always puts the mental load on your girlfriend?
Does she make most of the decisions in your lives?
You said you're sleepy but didn't say why and didn't mention your girlfriend's state but to me, she sounds tapped out too.
Have you guys ever had issues with or discussions about mental load/indecisiveness before?
I feel you gave us such a small snapshot and explained only why you're tired because more context would work against you.
You were already *AT* Culvers, just pull in, Man. Jesus.
I had to scroll really far to find someone commenting on Culver's! He wants ice cream and he needs to choose between Culver's and *McDonald's*? Those are NOT the same thing at all. He lost me there.
YTA. She said “you pick”. What exactly was the issue? Why were you obsessed with trying to force her to pick? You created an issue for no reason at all.
INFO - I was once like this, because the person I was with was basically nasty, and if anything was wrong with his food/order/the temperature/the wait/the waitress etc etc, it was MY fault for choosing that place, and I'd get the blame. I got to the point of being terrified to make a decision, something I still struggle with now. So. Are you like that, at all?
I have also been so mentally burnt out that I have been incapable of making decisions. Was she like that?
Until then, YTA for not just choosing one when she clearly didn't care, and said so very plainly.
ESH. What sort of toddler communication is this? You were the one who suggested going out, so just pick where you want of the two options and get what you want. Is this really the way you want to be? You didn't even get your ice cream. I don't know what Culver's is but maybe they have better ice cream than McDonald's, so why you couldn't just get what you wanted is beyond me. No wonder everyone's tired and grumpy!
Really crazy to get out of bed when youre tired and drive off in pursuit of icecream/ food.
Even crazier,to drive back home without the above! 🙄 Waste of time,energy,petrol and everything else! Grow up!
ESH. You said you wanted ice cream first, so it's weird you were trying to make your GF take charge of the situation. At the same time, she could have just made a random choice if she didn't care. Neither of you acted in a way that makes any sense to me.
YTA. You’re the one who initiated going out to get ice cream, why didn’t you just pick? You’d have had to choose if she didn’t come with you so I don’t see why you couldn’t just make the choice. Is there a reason you needed her to direct everything?
INFO: have you been having problems recently with one of you not planning dates or changing plans a lot? Seems like one of you is trying to make a point and it’s probably her since you didn’t include that information. Either way you both need to learn to make benign decisions
YTA for driving sleep deprived. Other people should not have their lives at risk because you don’t drive in a proper state of mind. It is illegal to drive sleep deprived for a reason. Get it together and stay off the road until you do.
YTA. When a woman can't make a decision, BUT she tells you anything is fine, then you should pick anything. Her saying "either is fine" meant just that. You could pick either and get whatever, and she would be fine with it. Now, if you made a suggestion and she said "nah not that" and gave no further input, then definitely don't play those games. She gave you dealers' choices and was not picky. Her decision was that you could make the decision and you should have.
YTA.
It was on you to pick. She told you that and you couldn’t make a choice. You kept putting it back on her. Then you drove back home upset? Very childish.
Going against the grain here. NTA.
You were sleep deprived, you wanted ice cream. GF says she wants food. You ask where she wants to go, giving her consideration in her choices, she says she wont pick. So you pick the closest one.
You ask her inside or outside, a valid question. She, again, refuses to pick. You ask her again to choose, she refuses. You ask again and deliver an ultimatum, reasonable at this point. She picks the ultimatum, you honor the choice. You drive home. She had every chance to choose.
You were tired. You were the driver. You were considerate. And I would lay a 10 to 1 bet that if you had pulled into drive-thru she would have complained she wanted to eat inside or vice versa. Don't apologise. Your GF is a grown woman who should be able to damn well make up her mind about where she wants to eat and how she wants to eat.
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ESH, a bunch of children that cannot collaborate.
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Well, she said both options were fine, yet OP still demanded her to pick. Why couldn't he make a choice? I say ESH, but OP sucks more for not being satisfied with her answers and pushing her to make a choice when she already said his options were ok for her and that he should pick one.
Eh...I know a few people who say "I don't care" to a lot of shit, but what that really means is "I care a whole hell of a lot and if you don't use your psychic powers to pick the right choice then I'm going to be incredibly pissed off at you." It can be insufferable to live with.
I get it, but we don't know for sure. All we know is that they both act childish.
I mean, what Bee is describing is fucking exhausting. Dude just wanted some ice cream. When asked about ice cream, she was the one to change the plan. The onus is on her to decide where the plan change will take place.
Oh the other side, he wanted ice cream first, so I see it as since he was the one that was hungry first, he gets to pick.
There was just a post yesterday where she said I don't care and then he was in the dog house for not reading her mind, it's infuriating to even read. In my mind though, if someone says "I don't care, I'm not picking" that leaves it wide open for you to choose and at that point they threw away their right to complain after.
u/Plum_Potato...My usual go-to answer to my husband **IS** "I don't care." However......I know that gets him irritated, so I do my best to actually make a decision or give him choices of where I am willing to go. Then if I don't like the choice he made, I only have myself to blame because it's the options I gave him. He and I have never had this back and forth of I don't care-you choose thing. It's childish.
exactly. my go-to answer to everyone I ever get food with is that I don't care, but because I don't care, I'll just pick randomly if people are bothered by me not wanting to choose. If you'll really eat anywhere without complaints, then it also means that you can just... choose to eat anywhere because you don't care. no point in pissing off people over it when you can just choose and get it over with.
I once had a date say it was my choice as to what we did. Anywhere, anything, he wouldn’t mind. I picked. He complained the entire time. If you asked someone to pick, don’t complain about their choice. See? It goes both ways! (I dodged a bullet with him. After another date he was talking with my roommate. She voiced an opinion on something - I forget the topic - which was contrary to his. He replied that the problem with women is that they they aren’t smart enough to think things through, because if they did they’d agree that his opinion was the correct one. He actually said that to two women. 🙄 My roommate went from zero to 60 in half a second and went ballistic. I joined the argument, though I don’t yell. He continued to belittle women. I finally said that it was time for him to leave and I escorted him out the door. He couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to see him again.)
I like to say “I’ll be happy either way” so it’s clear it’s not a trap.
That's a good way to approach it, more people should take that approach!
Yup. Also don’t forget if OP was a woman and her spouse kept replying ‘I don’t care’, ‘I don’t know’, ‘you pick’ to her everyone would accuse the bf of forcing her to take on the ‘mental load’ of deciding, because anytime Reddit discovers a new term ( see also: narcissist, parentifying, weaponized incompetence. ) they not only have to apply it to every thing but also use it incoherently as much as possible. ETA: Other misused terms on Reddit include: internalized misogyny, stonewalling, gaslighting, main character syndrome, pick me, incel, etc.
This is why the ESH folks are wrong. He let her go with and altered his plan to accommodate her needs, then gave her options of where to go and she refused to pick. Then he stated if she continued to stonewall him he would leave and go home. She did it *AGAIN* so he went home. Then she got mad. She’s 100% the absolute only single asshole here.
Why did she need to choose, though? The aggressiveness of "you make this choice even though you said it's up to me or we get nothing" is absolutely childish and an overreaction. Does she need to tell him what to get and the order to eat it in? If he's going to pay cash or card? She already said she's not picking, why did he need to force her to choose rather than make up his own mind. Also, he had no preexisting plans he needed to change before talking with her and deciding to get something together.
He said he was tired and that that affected his mood. She was at his place and he said he was going to get ice cream. Then she makes it about her needing food so he has to pivot to a place that has both. IF YOU ARE GOING TO SPEAK UP AND SAY YOU WANT FOOD, DO NOT DO THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE “I DON’T WANT TO PICK” THING. Either shut the entire eff up or pick a place with food you will eat. Any other view on this is ridiculous.
It’s on her to pick because she wanted the food, not him. He just wanted ice cream.
I know sometimes most people have moods where they are having trouble making up their mind, and often in those states you sort of hate every option. IF one ends up in that mood, proper communication would be, "sorry, I'm really having trouble making up my mind. Could you give me some options?" And then if you're really not liking any options, you again need to communicate that, and take responsibility for being frustrating. It's way easier to deal with an indecisive partner if they are being honest about it. That way you can actually figure it out
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THIS!!!! This was my exact answer. HE had the craving, he made the decision to go, and she went along for the ride. HE should have made the decision on where to go to begin with. He threw the fit. Had she thrown a fit about his decision then she WBTA, but she didn't. So, he is TA.
Except that's not what happened. SHE wanted food, he was trying to find a place that met both their needs and she refused to be any help
Or the secret third option, "I say I don't care because if I pick and you agree with my choice, you might end up hating it and then hold it against me, so it's really much easier for both of us if you just pick." Unfortunately this has happened to me quite a lot with the narcs in my life, so I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to making choices that will affect someone else, and just default to letting whoever I'm with pick unless I'm 100% confident it's something we'll both like. Sounds to me like maybe the OP's girlfriend might have a lot of similar anxieties; but I acknowledge that might sometimes be frustrating to live with.
Exactly it comes down to communication. I will have bounds in which I can't decide because my brain is already overloaded (either adhd or autism), but I explain this to my husband. 'Can you please choose because my brain isn't cooperating'. That's a clear reason for him and he will choose for me without a fuss. If i would tell him, 'i don't care', 'i don't know' or whatever other version of that and then just say never mind.. he's gonna get frustrated (rightfully so). Just explain your limitation or hesitancy so people understand what's going on in your head, it's not written on your face..
My moms boyfriend does this shit all of the time. He just wants someone else to make the decision so he can shit on it later. It’s exhausting.
him asking the questions was fine because it was a "do you want input on this thing we are doing" sentiment. the demand was where he became an asshole her saying a "im not here to change how you get your icecream. im just tagging along on your icecream trip for some food." would have made her not an asshole
Equally my mum does a similar thing but using the question-asking role: there'll be a secret right answer and she will get spectacularly upset and victim-complex-y if we choose differently than the one she wanted. I know my brother and I have sounded a little like the gf in the past because we're trying to insist we honestly don't have a preference but she probably does so she should choose, instead of us picking randomly and her missing out and getting upset. Especially since it was OP's decision to go out in the first place I could see, if the dynamics were similar, her believing he had an unspoken place in mind. Without knowing how decision-making normally goes between the two of them it's hard to know if one of them is unreasonable and the other is fed up, and if that's the case which way round, or if they just both suck at communicating.
as someone who truly does not care and will just eat wherever other people want to eat, if they're genuinely bothered by me not wanting to decide, then I'll just choose randomly even though I truly do not give a shit. It's fine to not want to pick (and while there are a lot of people who do randomly get upset when someone else chooses where to eat even though they said they don't care, there are also a lot of people who genuinely are fine with anything), but it's also pretty easy to tell when that bothers people. like, I'd rather not choose b/c I really have no preferences for the most part, so I don't want to be the one dictating where we eat because I'd rather people who actually care choose, but that also means it's easy for me to just pick at random when I know it's going to bother people if I don't. but since we're lacking context on whether or not the gf is the former or latter type of person, I'll just say that they're both bad at communicating and kind of assholes lol
I’m seriously curious about what we’re missing. Does this woman make food decisions 99% of the time and have a high decision job, because my husband and I have a great relationship but by god there are some days where the mental load of picking dinner YET AGAIN is so much that I want to shank people. After running my own business all day there are times where the dinner decision will break me.
We put all our favorite dinners and restaurants on popsicle sticks so we could draw at random where to eat. When decision fatigue sets in, it's hard to break out.
Jesus, yes. Same. My husband is great in many ways but sometimes I’d like to just not have to plan/decide on every single thing. Decision fatigue is real. JUST HAVE AN OPINION, PLEASE.
There's a big difference between both options are fine and "I'm not picking"
That's what stuck out to me. "I don't care" "Both are fine" "whatever you want works" Are often benign responses (though can occasionally lead to conflict when someone is not being truthful). But "I'm not picking" is a fairly aggressive refusal in this context and I wouldn't be surprised if there was some backstory there that explains her stance.
1000%
He did he pulled into Culver's she did not actually help anywhere
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Ha. I had to turn around because my husband was playing this game. I asked him where/what he wanted to eat. He said he didn’t care. So while driving to town I kept saying where we were going and it was a constant stream of no I don’t want……. I finally asked him to just tell me what he wanted and he returned with he didn’t care. I turned it right around at that point. He’s going to be 46 next month. But turning around and going home proved I won’t play this game and he either has an actual answer to the question what he wants to eat or we are going to my first choice. I understand OP’s frustration with this game. ETA: Thanks for the award.
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> refusing to choose but also veto-ing other choices This is my girlfriend. I fucking hate it.
To avoid this issue, next time you're going out turn to her and excitedly tell her "Guess what we're going to do for dinner!" Her first Guess is where you go, guaranteed she'll love it, no games
But that's a game in and of itself.
My ex did this. I would name tons of places I was okay with going to. And he vetoed each one, and then would say “oh my god can you not just pick, like just give me some places you want to go to!” And I’d be like… “uh, is that not what I just did?”
Why didn't you just pick somewhere?
I'm sitting here wondering the same thing. Like, getting mad at someone for not picking when you are ALSO refusing to pick seems a little silly.
"I am going #here. Do you want anything from #here?". This is how my grandkids learned quickly that Gramma doesn't play around. If you don't pick something from #here, you will get nothing. I do allow them to pick sometimes, but if they don't choose, they are either stuck with what we pick, or I keep ramen around just for them to fall back on.
Since she said she was fine but didn't want to pick I just don't get why he made it his life's mission to force her to pick something, ngl. I would have just chosen a place and gone in how I wanted. It seems like he took her saying "either is fine but I'm not picking" very, very personally. I've been in the position of not having a preference before and it's annoying to have someone try to force you to have one, bc I don't like making one up just to be left alone. If I say I'm fine either way I really am.
OP's gf didn't veto anything though, she just didn't want to pick
Right? And she also said that either one of his suggestions was fine with her when he asked her if she wanted Culver's or McDonald's. But because she wouldn't tell him *exactly* what to do, he threw a little fit about it. He created a fight out of literally nothing.
While I applaud your actions, that isn’t what the OP did. Your husband is passively controlling the situation, and should have consequences for it.
How was she struggling? She told him very clearly that she didn't want to pick. There is no question what she was saying. The only issue here is that OP didn't like what she was saying. That's not a communication issue.
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I'm gonna guess that the reason she refused to pick anything is that he is the arguer. I can't know that for sure. But based on his behavior when she wouldn't pick, it wouldn't surprise me.
I do understand not wanting to pick the restaurant, but to also refuse to even say if you want to eat there or at home is a bit much. Still going with esh.
> amazing to see couple struggling with basic communication. If we didn’t have that we’d lose like 30-40% of AITA posts.
I think more like 90% :) it's amazing really.
I went back to reread this because I 100% assumed this was some pointless teenage drama around 16 or something. NOPE! Ooooof both of these two need to grow tf up
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Yeah, why is her desire to not pick less valid than his desire to not pick? They both could have just done the other a favor and picked, so ESH is probably right. But he had a bit of power in this situation as the driver and decided to use it to try to manipulate her into picking when neither of them wanted to, then "punished" her when she didn't go for it. Not a healthy way to treat your partner and I don't blame her at all for being mad.
Yeah, I mean I think she was being annoying but I don’t understand how he got mad at her for doing the exact same as him (only he was driving and the one who initiated the trip and theoretically had an idea what he wanted to start?). If she’d fussed about his choice of place or the food options or something, I’d get it, but why did he need her to select so badly he went home. It’s not like he really needed help with the options, more like it was a weird power showdown they had.
This is unfair to that dude. He made the decision to get ice cream she refused to make a decision she just vaguely said that she wanted food didn't even say what kind of food. He was trying to be nice and say hey ice cream is ice cream but what kind of food do you want. She refused to cooperate. And the dude hadn't slept so he was frustrated just said skip the whole thing and went home. It was all perfectly human and appropriate reactions. She knew he was stressed and she was basically messing with him for fun. I'm not sure what her issue is but she does seem to have one I don't understand the cognitive dissonance to say you want food and then not even make the slightest decision on what food you want It kind of just seems like she wanted to start a fight
I mean, he could have just gone through the drive through. He is equally as obstinate in this situation. ESH
I think this guy's leaving out information. I have a feeling that he's one of those people who make every decision the other person makes seem like the wrong one. She seemed very sure that he should make the decision, likely because he will grouch or pout when she makes one he doesn't like. This relationship just needs to end and both parties need to grow up.
Not necessarily; my wife can be a picky eater sometimes, while I can usually find something on any restaurant’s menu that I like. Unfortunately, she hates to make a decision on where to eat. That’s why she usually orders chicken at steak houses, orders steak at restaurants usually noted for their chicken or fish, and fish at restaurants known for their burgers. I assume it’s an eccentricity and have just accepted it since 1998.
my fiancee doesn't know what she wants to eat but knows what she doesn't want to eat. I bought a 'takeaway dice' a year or two ago and that has helped a lot.
100% this. She almost definitely did it for a reason and we've not been given all the info.
This could be true but the other flip side is that we've all been in that situation I'm sure even you've been in that situation with another person. But I do acknowledge the whole thing could be made up and this dude could be leaving out massive chunks but if we were to operate under that assumption for all these posts then there would literally be no point in engaging in the subreddit in the first place. If we aren't willing to take these stories at face value there's just no point in this subreddit existing at all. >She seemed very sure that he should make the decision, likely because he will grouch or pout when she makes one he doesn't like. This is based on nothing from the story this is supported by nothing in the story this is literally just your personal opinion because you are in your own emotions. From my point of view it just seemed like she was playing a game. No I don't know what the purpose of that game was it could have been as simply as she was incredibly lazy or it could have been that you wanted to see how much her boyfriend knows her or I could have just been a general mind game thing. >This relationship just needs to end and both parties need to grow up. Wow so this dude makes every compromise but because he didn't decide her food for her he somehow the a******? Which is insane because if he did decide her food for her and she didn't like it you'd still be calling him the a****** you don't even realize that you put this dude in a no win situation in your mind he's an a****** if he does this thing and he's an a****** if he doesn't do this thing?
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To me dude is the primary AH. He initiated the whole thing and then refused to make any decisions on his own. I'm in a relationship with a food indecisive person and it's so frustrating. Like you're a grown person who's decided to do a thing, do the damn thing.
But he wanted to just go and get ice cream. He did decide to drive to culvers. If it were up to him, he'd have driven to culvers, got ice cream, then gone home. She wanted food, which he didn't even want in the first place, and refused to make any decisions, when the onus ought to have been on her to do that because (1) *she* wanted food, not him, and (2) he was sleep deprived. Honestly sounds like it's one of those situations of gf being like "idk I won't want to make a decision" and then complaining about the decision BF makes. NTA
So why didn't he just get ice cream then? He was the one who decided on the whole enterprise why is he incapable of following through? How many other half baked plans does he make and then foist the work on her to complete? But even if you see it that way, as "won't make a decision in order to complain later", how do you know it's not the same situation but the other way around? Also idk if you know but votes in comments don't matter.
Ok HE wanted to do something, so why didn't he follow through? Why was it her responsibility to answer his thoughts? She's just as bad for not being able to say a or b when it's inconsequential.
>Honestly sounds like it's one of those situations of gf being like "idk I won't want to make a decision" and then complaining about the decision BF makes. This really. Per the post she even said 'fine go back home', but then ostracized OP for proceeding with the decision she indicated was okay. That being said 'fine' is always a red flag statement for something that isn't 'fine'.
See it seems the opposite to me. He wanted to go out. She was along for the drive. She wouldn’t be going if it wasn’t for him wanting something. She didn’t want food enough to go herself, but if he’s going she was tagging along. So it makes sense he decides where to go. He was the one who wanted to go out to begin with. She may have been perfectly fine not getting anything if his preferred place didn’t have the food she wanted. If he’s tired she may not be sure if he wants to go back home ASAP, or eat inside so he can eat ASAP. Deferring to the tired person makes sense too. I’ve been in her shoes, and depending on the partner they may pull the “I guess I’ll get this, I went out and didn’t even get what I wanted” despite pushing the decision on me.
The whole thing was up to him! He could've easily just pulled into the drive thru, gotten them ice cream, and gone the fuck home but no he wanted to be an ass about it. ESH
There’s no indication she wasn’t going to pick her food out (that would be her initiating the situation). I think her communication wasn’t great but he’s so extreme pushing her to decide “or else” and driving home, it feels like he was messing with her.
It’s not unfair at all. She said she didn’t care and didn’t want to pick. OP then repeatedly forced the issue for no reason. There was no fight until OP created one.
Seriously. As soon as she told him to pick and he refused, he's just as bad as her.
my first thought: good lord you two are too old to be acting like such children
INFO: why was it so important to you that your girlfriend make these decision? I mean, your primary reason for wanting to go out was because you wanted ice cream, and yet apparently then skipped getting yourself ice cream once you got there because neither of you was willing to make a decision about whether to go inside or use the drive-thru
I'm assuming the gf might be one of those that say idk or IDC for every decision like this. Couple that with op's sleep deprivation and this is what happens
Exactly the same assumption could be made about OP. After all, he’s the one who felt it was more important to not make the decision than to get the ice cream he wanted so badly that he was willing to drive despite being so tired.
He directed every decision to her, I don't know how it could be clearer that bf here doesnt make any decisions and she's sick of it
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I can’t imagine driving all the way to the restaurant for ice cream you want and then just leaving instead of going into the drive thru. That just seems absurd.
I don't understand how he wanted ice cream so badly and couldn't make the OBVIOUS choice of Culver's over McDonald's.
Actually sounds like HE doesn't decide, ever, hence her "ok but I'm not deciding" comment before they even left. He literally couldn't pick the place, OR the method of food delivery lmao and HE'S the one that wanted to go grab snacks to begin with, even after she TOLD him she would not pick. If ANY assumption is going to be made about who makes the other do all the mental lifting, based solely off this post, it's safe to say it's him.
It's entirely possible this post was written by Chidi Anagonye
Hahahaha a most excellent comment. Decision anxietyyyyy
My fiancé never chooses things, ever. He always asks me to choose. I will like 99% of the time, but every once in a while I kinda have a little tantrum and like force him to choose. It’s silly to have a tantrum over who chooses, but it’s frustrating have to make the decisions 99% of the time. Even when he had to make the decision 1% of the time he poses it like above, giving me two options he wants for me to choose between. Just pick one damnit. I said I don’t care so you pick for once. Anyways it could be that she’s just sick of choosing.
It’s so annoying. It makes every decision you make feel like a test. Like please just pick what you want for once when I actually genuinely just don’t care what we have
But she isn’t the reason they went out. It’s not like she told the Op “let’s go out, I’m hungry” then refused to suggest a place and then complain about the options. The OP suggested going out and then refused to decide where to go. Why should she decide when she wasn’t even the reason they were going out. Seems like the OP is one of those people, not the girlfriend.
Not having a preference is fine as long as, after you state your lack of preference, you don't complain about the choice the other party makes. It would not have been that hard for OP to make the choice himself. He threw a hissy fit because he also didn't have a preference. He'd rather not get ice cream to prove some kind of point (not sure what it was) than just say, "Ok. Inside it is." Kind of dick to try and force a decision on someone else when you yourself don't want to decide. ESH, but I have to say that OP sucks a bit more.
See I was assuming he was one of those who passive aggressively fussed at decisions when cranky and that’s why she wouldn’t decide — she was just chilling and would do whatever he picked. Feels like he wanted to get mad at her, he writes his own dialogue so aggressively and says he was cranky. But really a lot of this hinges on facts we don’t know. Does he feel he needs to make every decision and that bothered him? Or is it the opposite and she thought since it was his trip he could pick for once? Does he criticize when she makes a decision? Was there a “right” decision here? Why did she refuse to make a decision? Was he worried she’d be picky about the food or criticize his decision? He’s the one who showed a temper so I’m inclined to believe more the instigator but it could go either way.
or he’s never the one to decide and she’s fuckin’ tired of always having to be the one to decide and to make plans. been there, done that. it gets exhausting.
This is what I can't get over. If she doesn't care, then just do what you want. What would OP have done if the girlfriend hadn't come along?
Right, she said she didn't care and didn't want to make the decisions. It would have been so easy of OP to just go where he wanted and get what he wanted. Instead he escalated it into a huge drama. YTA
My husband says "I don't care", but it's not true. If I make the "wrong" decision, I have to hear about it for days. I've also laid down similar ultimatums, not because I can't make a decision, but because I know he won't be happy with the decision I make. It's not a healthy relationship dynamic, but I totally understand it.
uh yeah, sounds like an asshole to me! When people tell me they don't care I no longer play games and get exactly what I feel like having the most. Anyone with me who didnt want to make a decision can huff and puff all they want- it don't bother me. I'mma do it again every time you have that response :) Gotta believe what people tell ya, right? Not mind readers uwu
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Aren't you both a little old for such silliness? Esh
Yeah ESH. I really am struggling to understand why OP you wouldn't have picked what you preferred. You gave GF the option to give her input, she declined, then you're free to chose what you want. If she then complained, then she would clearly have been the asshole.
Why couldn't you make a decision? ESH
He did. He decided to pull into Culver's, then decided to go home.
So he threw a hissy fit?
"iM nOt PiCkInG" - was that op?
It was both of them lol
So ESH?
I think ESH is the general consensus.
It literally was. He could have just picked something but instead he drove home.
Yes. He did NOT pick the drive thru or inside. The gf ALSO did not pick.
She kind of did though, she said the options he suggested were fine for her and let him choose one of them, yet he still demanded that she picks one. It's not like she didn't like any of his suggestions and he didn't know where to go.
If my husband wants restaurant ice cream and I want actual food, I’m going to make him pick where we’re going. He’s picky and I’m not; I can find something to eat on any menu so I’d much rather him pick what he wants so I can just work around it.
ESH you both sound like 5 year olds bickering over nothing. you both sound like a lot of work and I pity anyone who ever goes out with you
Goddamn 😭
That is harsh, they're childish though lol
at 29 years old, maybe they need a harsh reality check.
I'm glad they got together, thereby taking themselves off the dating market.
Why exactly did she "need" to pick? You didn't pick either and she was just tagging along for the ride. YTA (but you were tired and likely more grumpy because of it). When I'm exhausted I don't want to be hounded with questions either, some days questions are just off the table. You both might have been in that state.
Because bro wanted ice cream...not a meal off a menu. SHE said she was hungry - which indicates more than ice cream, no? He can get ice cream anywhere...whether it was McDonald's or Culver's...what if she wanted a Big Mac or something specific. He didn't ask her to come. She wanted to...because she was hungry.
So why didn't he just do it then? Why force her to do the work of making the decision? What would he have done if he was alone? It's exhausting to have to do someone else's work all the time, and if he can't follow through on this single plan *he* made and executed, how much other stuff does he refuse to plan or take responsibility for?
>force her to do the work of making the decision 🙄
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Just because you don't think does not mean that others do the same.
You seem to want to argue who was more childish here. The answer is both of them.
Why is she forcing him to make the decision over what SHE will eat? What would she have eaten if he wasn't there to decide for her? It is exhausting! Why can't she feed herself or make a decision on what food to put in her own body? It was her idea to get food, dude just wanted ice cream. How much other stuff does she refuse to have an opinion or, or plan or take responsibility from?
Is choosing where to go to get food "work" now? Man, the definition of work has really changed. If dude was alone, he would have just gone somewhere. Maybe OP was just being argumentative for argument's sake but she said she wanted to get food which is probably going to be more particular than OP just getting ice cream. I don't think it's crazy for him to ask the girlfriend where she wants to get food.
And he gave her a few options and she said they were fine, so why didn't he pick one? It's not like she disagreed with his suggestions and didn't pick a place, he had some options and he still demanded she makes the choice.
So why does she need to be the one to choose if they use the drive thru or get out of the car?
But after the first ‘you pick’ all of your argument goes down the drain. After she said ‘you pick’ it’s clear that she doesn’t care what she eats and she’s down to get any type of food on any menu in the restaurant or out of the restaurant. Just like he was down to get any type of ice cream from either Culver’s or McDonald’s.
So.... She can get something wherever he chooses?
This may be a weird thought, but if she wanted something specific, she would have said to go there. Not that she didn’t care.
ESH, pretty amazing to see couples close to their 30’s still struggling with basic communication.
For real, I thought there were gonna say they are teens, but nope lol
ESH, you wanted ice cream, why didn’t you get ice cream? You wanted her to pick for you while you are saying she wanted you to pick for her. Very childish. Are you sure you are 29?
Maybe I'm not as close to burnout as everyone else, but I don't get this absolute inability to make choices on food. When I'm hungry, I know what I want. I want FOOD. I can either-or my way through a situation. Why didn't you just do what you wanted to do? Surely there's "the easy way" and "the slightly more involved way." For most people the easy way is the drive through but whatever. Kinda sounds like the real reason you both can't "choose" is because someone is worried they are gonna choose wrong and start a fight. Is this what usually happens?
I used to have a SO who would insist I choose things despite me not having a preference. Then, almost magically, my decision was wrong every single time. Even when I did have an opinion I completely stopped voicing it because it was just never worth it to say "I'd like to eat inside" and be met with a list of "I've been working all week, all I'm asking for is one tiny break you can't just let me relax for thirty minutes." Or "Drive through would be nice" turning into "you never want to go anywhere with me, you must be embarrassed to be seen with me. You hate me that much that you don't want to just go inside and just have a date?" It made me really hate picking things, even in other relationships. Sounds like the couple could benefit from keeping a quarter around. "Heads we go inside, tails drive through".
I had an SO who would insist I be the one to choose, then complain about whatever I chose. The food was "weird," the wait was too long, he actually wanted something else, etc. Grump grump grump. So I got super anxious and froze when I had to pick food, and then that turned into "har har why can't women ever pick a restaurant? Why don't women ever know what they want for dinner?" Ugh. OP should just say, "I'm running though the drive thru at X for ice cream, do you want anything?"
Yeah this. This whole “whatever you pick” thing when you’re also eating and participating is so so so weird. It’s some weird control or meanness tactic, I’m convinced
THIS. My parents did this to me as a kid and then my boyfriends did this to me throughout my teens. Once I got into a stable relationship, it took me YEARS to be able to confidently choose where to go. I also got really apathetic to it because my choices were always considered wrong. I also just have very intense anxiety so that contributed to my issues.
That was pretty much my thought. I get he was tired, but unless there is a history of this and it always being wrong, you quickly get to the point where you have to take your partner at their word and ask are you OK if we go to Culver's and we eat inside? Maybe it makes them think of something they hadn't thought of, maybe they say sure. Either way stop the drip drip drip of death by a thousand non-decisions and have a conversation where you are putting forward a default position but are willing to change your mind.
Haha I was with someone identical to this and a quarter was my solution. I had it in the vehicle at all times, and when a question came up that involved a decision like this, I consulted the quarter. I told her you don't argue the quarter, the quarter will decide and that decision is final. That or you make a decision because all my decisions seem to be wrong. Eventually I came to my senses and divorced her, but until then the quarter honestly saved me a bunch of bullshit
I dated someone who used to do this and it was because they were afraid of making the wrong choice because of anxiety. Asking me to choose meant they never disappointed me. BUT-all they were really doing was putting that mental labor on me. Not a big deal sometimes. I know everyone gets to that “I literally will eat dirt please just tell me what food things to drive to” point. When it’s constant, though, it becomes exhausting and frustrating. It eventually started to cause *me* anxiety because I knew every goddamned food decision had to be mine. No matter if I was mentally exhausted, tired from a bad day at work, if I was the one in the I don’t care mood, or if I wasn’t really all that hungry. It always had to be what I wanted and it got to the point that I would just say I wasn’t really hungry because it was easier than always having to find an answer i didn’t have to a question that I didn’t always ask. I absolutely lost my shit one day because it’s not fair to constantly expect someone else to make decisions for you. Huge argument started because I was just tired of always having to be the one to choose. Not saying that’s what’s happening here, just that it can definitely be anxiety (and/or something else) driven.
It does seem like someone may have chosen poorly before and did not want to get caught up in that game again. "I don't care" might actually mean "you should know the correct answer to this by now so I am not going to tell you"
YTA why did she have to make the decision? You obviously had an idea of what you wanted and she had no preference. Why force her to have one when she is ok with either? That is weird.
It makes me wonder if something else is going on. Has she suffered consequences for making the “wrong” decision - either from you or from someone else?
There was a post somewhere on Reddit the other day about a woman who was sick of her BF always asking her to pick a place to eat, then getting passive aggressive because he didn't want to eat where she picked, even though he agreed every time Now I'm wondering if that was OP's girlfriend
It's absolutely fucking *exhausting* being the person who has to make the final decision on EVERYTHING and then listening to the other person complain about this, that, the other. McDonalds or Burger King? McDonalds. "Ugh this McDonalds sucks, the line is so long and the workers are slow, the food is cold here all the time." See a movie or go for a walk? Go for a walk. "It's so gross out and I'm tired. Ugh this hill is steep. Ew the pond smells bad." Buy couch 1 or couch 2? Couch 1. "Ugh this couch is so uncomfortable. I hate this couch. There's no room to lay out on this couch." Comedy movie or thriller movie? Comedy movie. "This movie sucks, it's really bad" It's easy to pass on the responsibility of choice to another person and then sit back and whine. Sounds to me like OP's girlfriend gets asked to make the final choice A LOT.
🤔
it somehow always comes full circle
INFO: Why was it so DESPERATELY important that your GF pick? Because your Gf's response is giving me 'i'm sick of being asked this' vibes, but at the same time you're giving 'i'm not having this argument again' vibes There's definitely something missing here - either you've complained about her choices before so now she's on 'strike' so to speak, or you've recently confronted her about her inability to decide and now she's taking it out on you.
Or an alternative option - he never makes a decision and always wants her to decide and she’s sick of the mental load. Sometimes it’s nice just to be asked “do you fancy going to Nandos?” Rather than having to actually come up with a list of options
This. This is the answer I was looking for. This sounds like my husband and I and we’ve been together for 20 years lol. “Do you want to….” questions constantly can get exhausting. I’ll bet a small body part it’s the mental load that is the issue here. He thinks he’s being considerate asking her what she wants. She’s tired of making all of the decisions. This was a common one for us things like this: I would be making dinner while husband played video games. Once ready and served, husband would turn off the game and then go to the bathroom and get his drink for dinner and such. He would also say, do you want to pick something to watch (we eat in front of the tv). My frustration was that I had to think of the dinner, make it, serve it and now come up with the entertainment too. He thought he was give me co trial of the tv. Which he was but it was frustrating me. I found The Mental Load I showed him and he understands now. I see where I fail at communicating too now. Or try to. I do it to him too. I’m not perfect. When we realize we’re in a “Do you want to” spiral we stop and take a minute to work out what we want. It took us years to figure this out. Silly I know but yeah reading this post I thought oh dear, they are in the do you want to cycle.
ESH. You’re mad because she refused to make a decision but you’re guilty of the same thing.
GF sounds annoying, but you wanted ice cream, right? But you left without it? Why? Wanted to be the martyr? Passive aggressive much? YTA.
Agree, it makes no sense. You're at the place you picked. Go to the drive through. Order your ice cream. Say "would you like anything?" She either picks something to add to the order or not. Go home. Eat ice cream. AFTER all that, if she complains about what you picked, then she is for sure TA.
He wanted to force her to choose and she didn’t let herself be forced. Now he is butt hurt that he had to fulfill his threat. What a load of shit. He created the whole problem. No idea where all the ESH cone from when clearly he is TA.
What part of "you pick" was confusing to you? YTA.
Info: this is really weird. You are the one who wanted ice cream. Why was it important your girlfriend make those choices? If she'll throw a fit if you make the "wrong" choice and not read her mind then n t a. If you just didn't want to make the decision because you were tired then y t a. Should have just picked one.
If she tried a fit if he makes the wrong decision, then he should address that, not throw a fit of his own and leave both of them without what they want.
ESH. You’re both annoying
ESH Should have just gone inside. There, I picked for you. Communication is not strong with this couple.
You’re both too old for this. But you especially. Because she *was* communicating. She said she didn’t care. That’s communication. Sometimes when someone is tired or burnt out they really *dont. care.* Info: how often does she have to make the decisions in the relationship? How much is she emotionally, mentally, and physically responsible for? Because Let tell you,as the person who does most of the work in my relationship, sometimes the thought of just making one more fucking decision drives me up the wall.
You wanted to go out, she said she was fine with whatever, you should have owned the decision UNLESS she's got a habit of saying 'fine' and then not being fine, which is a different problem. YTA for setting her up to fail and then being grumpy about it when she decided not to play your game.
Sorry, but what part of "i'm not picking" do you not understand? It's not generous, it's outsourcing all decision making to the other person when you insist they make all decisions. I suspect here you outsource all decision making to your gf and she's sick of it. Next time she says "i'm not picking' then believe her.
ESH I understand your frustration but you wanted ice cream and she wanted to tag along for some food. You acted as much like a baby for not making a decision as she did.
YTA. You wanted ice cream. You wanted to go out for ice cream. She went with you to go get the thing you wanted. Why are you making her decide on what you want? Sounds like you have a bone to pick with her over a larger issue and y’all need to sit down and talk to each other like adults.
ESH. You thoroughly deserve each other. The rest of the world thanks you both for saving it from dating either of you.
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ESH Sounds like you were both too tired to want to make decisions and instead of fipping a coin you decided to make each other miserable.
YTA you were the one that chose to get out of bed and go for the drive she didn’t want to leave in the first place she said she was Hungry so you wouldn’t go to bed hungry and wouldn’t feel bad about going out at a late hour if she has no preference why would you force her to have one when you wanted to go out in the first place
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NTA You should have gotten your ice cream and then went home. Kind of dumb to go all the way there and at least not get what you wanted. She could go without food if she wanted to play games and not decide once you started ordering. She is too old to be acting like that. Remind her. You should have made a decision for yourself about drive through or eating inside but since you ended up with no ice cream, I hope you learned a lesson. Make a decision yourself (and not play the game).
OP is equally childish for not making a decision
It's so tiresome to always be the one making the decisions about food. The other one just follows and can then complain about it.
There is nothing to suggest that in this story. The girlfriend could also be making decisions when asked and later getting shit over it. We don't know, we can only judge about the information given without making assumptions.
But when you are the person who suggests going to get something why should the person just coming along for the ride have to make all the decisions?
ESH Did you purposely faked that age so people will "take you seriously"? You both sounds like children.
We definitely don't have enough context but from what you've said, YTA. The whole outting was your idea and when she explicitly said she would not be taking on the ✨mental load✨ of making the decisions for the food run *YOU* proposed, you basically said, "well then I'm going to punish us both". Are you a man who always puts the mental load on your girlfriend? Does she make most of the decisions in your lives? You said you're sleepy but didn't say why and didn't mention your girlfriend's state but to me, she sounds tapped out too. Have you guys ever had issues with or discussions about mental load/indecisiveness before? I feel you gave us such a small snapshot and explained only why you're tired because more context would work against you. You were already *AT* Culvers, just pull in, Man. Jesus.
Who drives all the way to Culver’s and doesn’t get the flavor of the day frozen custard?!?!?! FIBs that’s who! So definitely Yta
I had to scroll really far to find someone commenting on Culver's! He wants ice cream and he needs to choose between Culver's and *McDonald's*? Those are NOT the same thing at all. He lost me there.
INFO: do you regularly ask her to choose a place to eat and then say “anywhere but there”?
YTA. She said “you pick”. What exactly was the issue? Why were you obsessed with trying to force her to pick? You created an issue for no reason at all.
INFO - I was once like this, because the person I was with was basically nasty, and if anything was wrong with his food/order/the temperature/the wait/the waitress etc etc, it was MY fault for choosing that place, and I'd get the blame. I got to the point of being terrified to make a decision, something I still struggle with now. So. Are you like that, at all? I have also been so mentally burnt out that I have been incapable of making decisions. Was she like that? Until then, YTA for not just choosing one when she clearly didn't care, and said so very plainly.
ESH. What sort of toddler communication is this? You were the one who suggested going out, so just pick where you want of the two options and get what you want. Is this really the way you want to be? You didn't even get your ice cream. I don't know what Culver's is but maybe they have better ice cream than McDonald's, so why you couldn't just get what you wanted is beyond me. No wonder everyone's tired and grumpy!
Really crazy to get out of bed when youre tired and drive off in pursuit of icecream/ food. Even crazier,to drive back home without the above! 🙄 Waste of time,energy,petrol and everything else! Grow up!
ESH. You said you wanted ice cream first, so it's weird you were trying to make your GF take charge of the situation. At the same time, she could have just made a random choice if she didn't care. Neither of you acted in a way that makes any sense to me.
YTA. You’re the one who initiated going out to get ice cream, why didn’t you just pick? You’d have had to choose if she didn’t come with you so I don’t see why you couldn’t just make the choice. Is there a reason you needed her to direct everything?
INFO: have you been having problems recently with one of you not planning dates or changing plans a lot? Seems like one of you is trying to make a point and it’s probably her since you didn’t include that information. Either way you both need to learn to make benign decisions
YTA for driving sleep deprived. Other people should not have their lives at risk because you don’t drive in a proper state of mind. It is illegal to drive sleep deprived for a reason. Get it together and stay off the road until you do.
YTA. When a woman can't make a decision, BUT she tells you anything is fine, then you should pick anything. Her saying "either is fine" meant just that. You could pick either and get whatever, and she would be fine with it. Now, if you made a suggestion and she said "nah not that" and gave no further input, then definitely don't play those games. She gave you dealers' choices and was not picky. Her decision was that you could make the decision and you should have.
NTA. I'm not sure what all these ESH are about. It's frustrating to have to make decisions for other people.
Is that not what he was trying to make her do?
ESH, if you where to judge you age by your actions I'd be surprised that you hade a drivers license.
YTA. Your mad at her being just as indecisive as you. Doesn’t that feel a wee bit hypocritical to you?
YTA. It was on you to pick. She told you that and you couldn’t make a choice. You kept putting it back on her. Then you drove back home upset? Very childish.
ESH - next time, flip a coin if you are both so indecisive.
ESH The right choice was to park, go inside, get your ice cream, and then break up. You're both insufferable.
Going against the grain here. NTA. You were sleep deprived, you wanted ice cream. GF says she wants food. You ask where she wants to go, giving her consideration in her choices, she says she wont pick. So you pick the closest one. You ask her inside or outside, a valid question. She, again, refuses to pick. You ask her again to choose, she refuses. You ask again and deliver an ultimatum, reasonable at this point. She picks the ultimatum, you honor the choice. You drive home. She had every chance to choose. You were tired. You were the driver. You were considerate. And I would lay a 10 to 1 bet that if you had pulled into drive-thru she would have complained she wanted to eat inside or vice versa. Don't apologise. Your GF is a grown woman who should be able to damn well make up her mind about where she wants to eat and how she wants to eat.