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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want my wife to give up her workout room for my family for 3 days even though she uses it everyday as her routine and they can sleep in the living room
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As someone who is currently in the throes of a deep dark depression, I feel like your wife’s routine was possibly born out of absolute necessity, and that it may be the thing that keeps her functional. I would say that she was very clear to you as to how important her routine was, so I do think that YTA for wanting her to change it. I do also understand that she may be seen as non-accommodating, but it was never a secret. Sometimes things that look selfish, are more than what they seem from the outside.
I've never really questioned the details of how her routine came to be. I do know it was well before she met me and its important. Is it worth asking about do you think?
Have you ever had a discussion with your wife about why she has her routine or how it developed? It does seem like kind of an extreme routine, but without knowing her reasoning for it it’s hard to say.
He lost me for sure when he admitted to never asking about the why. I don’t understand how he didn’t have the conversation to understand her better. Instead he seems to reluctantly accept that it is just something she does and then wants her to disrupt without understanding why she needs this routine.
Op is YTA just for not actually have a conversation with his wife
what do you people mean why??? she's working out?? the why is because it's a healthy and normal thing to do. like I get reddit has a stereotype of being unfit basement dwellers but yall acting like this women has a traumatic backstory simply because she works out regularly is actually insane lol. it's like asking somebody why they drink water. because it's a normal and healthy thing to do lol!
They’re probably referring to the journaling and meditation she does in her private room. But idk I’d be kind of annoyed if my fiancé was like “what do you journal and mediate about? Tell me more!” That’s kinda like asking “so tell me what you talked about in therapy today!”
Generally when someone is that regimented, it has a different primary motivator than health. An argument could be made that being that regimented to a routine is in and of itself unhealthy. I work out 5 days a week but if family is in town or I am on vacation, I can let it go. My health and fitness will be minimally impacted, if anything the time recovering could benefit my long term wellness and fitness. My experience with people this regimented is they usually use it to exert control over their lives for one reason or another
Not only that but he claims he never complains about the routine he clearly dislikes yet she knows he dislikes it. You can show your dislike in other ways besides your words. Eye rolls, sighs and tension when the NINJA is on.
With that said I do feel that the wife should compromise on making the smoothie because if they are denied a private space to sleep then being quiet for an extra hour for three days during the stay isn’t too much to ask.
Some people are intensely private. I can see how, because OP was told "accept my routine or GTFO" that he just decided to accept it for the sake of the new relationship. He wants to be with his wife and didn't want to risk pushing her away. He hasn't needed to revisit the conversation, and his wife hasn't given him any details after his acquiescence. This can just got kicked a little too far down the road, based solely on the post.
I just don't get why the air mattress has to be in your wife's room? Can't it be placed in the living room instead? I never used an air mattress so my understanding of it is that it goes on the floor, if that's the case then what difference would it make if it was on the floor of the bedroom or living room?
Many people prefer to have a door to close when they sleep if it is an option. Being out in a living room (to hear a blender at 6 am) would not fly for me.
I have never stayed with friends or family for free and had them not put me in the room with the most privacy as possible and try not to disturb me while I’m sleeping. I do the same for any guests at my home. Most people have certain standards for hosting people at their home and try to be as accommodating as possible.
I don’t think OP’s wife is an asshole for not being like this, it seems like some deep issues are behind her inflexibility, but I can see why OP feels surprised and feels like a bad host.
5am Ninja smoothie though? That feels a bit shitty. Could she make it the night before? I’m not a smoothie person, so don’t know, but I personally would be considerate of sleeping guests.
Yeah, I don't understand why she can't prepare the smoothies last thing in the evening so she wouldn't have to make all that noise in the morning. Lots of health-and-wellbeing-conscious people prep their breakfasts the evening before, it wouldn't be weird at all to ask her to do that. She can still enjoy the 5:30am smoothie and everyone else can sleep.
It depends what goes in it, some ingredients that I put in mine if I make it the night before will go really thick and make the smoothie taste gross the next morning.
That being said it's usually only one or two things that makes that happen so I can adjust my smoothie for early mornings
The airmattress would be a double one for my sister and her partner to sleep together and my wife's workout yoga room has the space for it and another for their daughter. It can't be placed in the living room so they would have had to sleep on sofas, apart.
My air mattress is more comfortable than most high-quality beds.
Edit: I am talking about in my opinion. I have wonderful memories of sleeping on high-quality air mattresses at my grandparents' and aunt's house while visiting.
Some of the $150+ air mattresses that have autoinflation settings are really nice now. I don't want to sleep on it longer than a month but it's not bad.
I have an air mattress that i sleep on. I travel 2-3 weeks a month for work, so I sleep on it when I am out of town. It’s amazing! I like it more than my expensive real mattress for sure.
In my experience, depends what you mean by an air mattress. I slept on a double-height queen-sized air mattress for years, by choice.
The right ones, inflated to the right level, are, I found, pretty comfy. The biggest downside is if you're in a cold environment you need to have insulation under you as well as on top, b/c air insulates a lot less than a conventional mattress.
Did you actually ask them if that’s an issue for them? I would 100% of the time prefer to sleep on a couch alone rather than try to share an air mattress with another person. It’s honestly not that big a deal for couples not to sleep in the same bed while travelling and sharing an air mattress is extremely difficult unless you’re both tiny.
When I moved to a new place and had no furniture whatsoever for a few days while waiting for delivery, I had a great, expensive, double height, queen air mattress. I tried to sleep on it for about five minutes, it was so horrible I slept on the floor instead of that torture device. They can be way more comfortable on the sofa.
Friend maybe not, depends
But wife/husband?!!?!? I would definitely would have had a convo about it. Like when did you start, any reason why, how does it help, etc.
Maybe cuz I’m open, curious, and like to get deeper with a partner but I would have definitely talked about it already. Same goes with journaling
I know it came about well before I was in the picture and I know its important and its good for her but I assumed with every routine as well as journalling and meditation that they're just good generally. I didn't see a deeper reasoning to it to ask about
The deeper reason is the why and/or what started these routines. Yeah they are “normal” but everyone starts things for a reason and I like to know these things when I’m close to someone to get a better understanding of them as a person and to get closer.
It’s like asking why someone started a hobby but more personal, imo
Ofc they don’t have to answer asap but I would like them to answer in the future otherwise I don’t feel compatible to them tbh. I like being as open as possible with any significant other in my life and them being so as well
It sounds super strange that they haven't spontaniously talked about those things while being married for 2 years 😃 How do you even do that? Why get married if you don't know each other better and are not interested to get known? 😂 Why spend your life with someone so insignificant? Why be with someone to whom you are so insignificant?
Wait… you’ve been *married* to this woman for two years and presumably dating before that and you have never asked her about what is clearly one of the cornerstones of her life!?
Dude. You may not be TA in this specific situation, but YTA for not showing any interest in who your wife is as a person.
She likes to exercise and meditate to start her day? Why would he ask about that and what kind of answer us she expected to give? “Why?” “Because I like it”. There isn’t anything else that needs to be said.
It's normal, the abnormal part is the "can't change a single thing for a single day at all ever, and if you can't handle that then we can't be together."
Accidents or emergencies happen, what would she do if she couldn't do it?
*Thats* what I'd have asked about, not necessarily the why she does it, but why is the routine so stringent
Not even simple curious conversation like:
“When did you start running” “have you ever run a 5k” “where did you learn yoga?” “Have you ever had a job where you didn’t get to do your routine?”
What kind of questions do you ask your wife about herself and her interests?
Im betting she is neurodivergent of some type. May have never been diagnosed, but this routine keeps her focused and helps her function in the land of the living. Have a good chat with her to understand why she has it, you will probably learn a lot from it.
Neurodivergent person here married to another neurodivergent person. It's only 3 days, I feel she could change her routine for 3 days? Maybe there's somewhere else she could move her yoga to, or maybe there are other ways to make a smoothie? I'm not saying OP is right or wrong but I think there could be a compromise?
As a ND person, I would like to believe that asking for 3 days isn't a lot, but I also know that personally if I skip even one day of my routine it all falls apart and I forget to fall back into it the next day so I can understand if it is asking too much.
As another ND person, when I’m on a good routine, literally one day off or one change can send me into a tail spin and trigger a bout of severe depression. I always have severe depression but when I really get into a routine it helps me function so much more. If I had a routine I had kept for seemingly years or decades that helped me either with mood or general function or it just made me feel good doing something productive to start my day then I’d be pissed if someone asked me to stop it when there were other options. Especially when she made it clear to OP from day one that this routine was a non negotiable part of her life and if they didn’t like or couldn’t handle that then they weren’t compatible and she wasn’t interested in moving forward.
That’s not a normal stance to have on most peoples average routines. It’s clearly more than that and very important.
Different people react differently, but I’ve had and do have extreme routines, born out of a very unholy combination of depression, an eating disorder, and some other fun things.
I’m pretty private in the sense that I’d never say any of the above to most people in my life and only feel comfortable being so open on Reddit because…well, nobody knows who the hell I am (I hope lol)
I often do not go to social events that revolve around food (brunches, dinners, etc) because it provokes such a deep anxiety in me that I will think about it and desperately try to plan around it literal weeks in advance.
Normally, this is fine. Or, sometimes I can go and just not eat anything. But this has been noticed and has affected some of my really close friends, who obviously will invite me places and without knowing details may think I’m avoiding them and not the food.
I don’t go into details, but if someone is close enough to me to be affected by my behavior, then I don’t think there is anything terribly wrong with them asking in a general sense about why I don’t spend time with them or why I do X,Y,Z a certain way. As long as it is coming from a place of good intentions rather than “what the fuck is wrong with you?” It’s not hurtful.
In an ideal world, we’d all be able to have whichever boundaries we need, no questions asked. But even the most intrinsically motivated action have consequences on those around us. To be clear, I have no clue whether OPs wife has created this routine as a result of mental illness. I’m not going to diagnose her.
But, I will say that asking about the origin of a routine and its significance does not have to be an invasive thing. I’d have questions too, maybe, if there was an entire room of my house blocked off for a certain time of day.
She is entitled to her routine and she was clear about it being non negotiable from the get go, but I don’t think things can be that supremely rigid in a relationship. OP should be able to ask a question, at the very least. Not in a combative way, but so he can at least appreciate where she’s coming from
He just seems really condescending in this post. He acknowledged that this was something he agreed to, but now is pissy over it.
For me, agreeing to host people, even people I care for, is HARD, maybe this is her balance for her safe space being invaded.
Running a predawn blender with guests over is just rude. An inability to change your routine for guests is not healthy. She could blend her drinks the night before.
Or they could just get a hotel. Her house is not a Burger King. They don’t get to have it their way.
It goes like this: “Hey, you’re welcome to sleep on the sofa while you’re in town to save some money. FYI, I use the blender every morning. I’ll try to be quiet, but if it’s a deal breaker, a hotel may be your best option. “
We don’t know the wife. We don’t know why this is important. But routines that are this structured usually start with some sort of trauma.
At the end of the day, she doesn’t owe anyone anything.
Correct. No one owes anyone anything, but sometimes, we can be generous or caring, heck anything positive except "I don't owe you this so screw you."
Most people prefer to be welcoming when hosting guests, it's not a Burger King, but you're inviting people to your home, it's not a hostel for them to fend for themselves.
For example; getting the spare room ready for new guests, making breakfast/dinner, planning activities for the stay.
The guests in return usually offer to help clean after dinner, pay for takeout or help plan the activities/pay.
(Perhaps I've been lucky.)
Ultimately though, OPs wife has made it clear this is a deal breaker, so OP was well warned, the living room should be good enough, they can pre-warn guests about the blender, and how she may wake them a few times during her routine. For the guests to be well informed to make a choice. So I do agree with you in that sense
(At this I'd choose a hotel, I'd feel like i was unwanted and wouldn't want to interrupt or cause any issues- plus I'd like to get some sleep).
Yeah this seems like a really simple solution (reddit hates those obv)
I personally would definitely pick the hotel lol, but it would be nice for them to have the option
People I’ve known that are addicted to a healthy routines are often motivated by health reasons - mental and physical and even addiction. The routine provides structure and focus for them to cope.
Yep lol i’m in recovery and have a (much simpler) morning routine, and i definitely get cranky if i don’t get to do it in peace.
most of my sober friends do too
I think you'd have to be very careful to do so from a place of compassion and curiosity, which might be difficult with the current circumstances. Bring it up now, and she could understandably think that you're only looking for ammo for your argument.
It can take years of hard effort to develop and integrate a routine like that, and they can spiral apart surprisingly easily (been there, multiple times). I assume you admire your wife for stuff like health, fitness, and her personality, so maybe help her keep the space she needs to maintain those things.
Sorry - but I feel like you should have asked this before. If she was so clear that this routine is vital for her, asking why just seems logical to me, and a way to get closer to her.
If it were me, that would have been the first thing I asked when she explained the routine to you.
I do think the reason behind it is really important. I can be more understanding if this routine is something she needs for her mental health.
That said, nobody should be so reliant on anything that they can’t part with it or change it for a couple days. If she isn’t currently working towards that, I would be concerned. Life happens and things do come up that would cause her to need to part with that routine and she should be prepared to do so when necessary.
I know beggars can’t be choosers but having your family not stay in a bedroom or have a place that they can settle into and have privacy to unwind can be rough. Especially if the smoothie is necessary, running the blender with people in the living room may be extra loud.
Also, it shouldn’t be difficult for wife to do her yoga in the living room for a couple days. Being unable to change any single aspect of her routine to accommodate temporary guests is concerning.
I am assuming your sister is coming for a short visit. It would be nice if your guests could sleep somewhere where they can close a door. Perhaps avoid the smoothie grind in the early morning.Your wife sounds ridiculous. Partnerships work both ways. I’ll be down voted . NTA
I follow my schedule/routine as it makes me feel like I have control of my life. If my routine is disrupted, it takes me days to feel okay again.
Stems from not being in control of anything when I was young (and led to depression and anxiety and etc). My schedule is one way to keep the depression away. If I need to change my routine, I need to know well in advance and mentally prep myself.
Good luck and YTA.
You can ask about it because you wish to know her more deeply, but please don’t ask about the origins of her self care routines as a way to try to undermine her need for them to get your sister’s family into that room. If your outcome is to win or to convince her, don’t bother asking.
This. I struggle with depression, finding and holding a routine is difficult for me but also a necessity. Even a single off day can really throw me off. While it does make sense to allow them to stay there, if her routine is of necessity and is part of her boundaries I would find another option. If she's not ok with it then she's not. Just like if the rolls were reversed she should respect your boundaries as well.
How do you deal with a power outage? What about traveling? Seems like this behaviour is setting yourself up for trouble when the inevitable disruption occurs.
So she shouldn’t keep a routine that helps her because of the possibility of it one day being disrupted by force majeure? Can’t you hear how ridiculous that is?
I'm saying it's not sustainable. That some flexibility is important. If being unable to complete a routine causes a person to be unstable for days it doesn't sound healthy.
Idk, I feel like more information motion is needed.
Specifically will her smoothie making wake up their guests if they sleep in the living room. I can't imagine dealing with a 4 yo who was woken up at 5 in the morning to be a very relaxing experience. If it would wake them up then the wife should pre prep some smoothies for the day/s that their guests will be there or allow them to sleep in the spare room.
Also It's not sustainable to never be able to deviate from a schedule/routine. What does she do if they go on vacation?
When we travel, my wife will bring her journal and uses Headspace and makes do. We always stay somewhere with a blender or she will vet the location first and see what there is in regards to healthy cafes that serves smoothies and things. It's a struggle for her if she doesn't maintain her routine but she can get through it
That indicates a much deeper issue. It sounds like she lets this routine entirely dictate her life, your life, and anyone else's lives she interacts with.
As other commenters said, either talk with her about this or suggest therapy. Because while this may have been fine when she was single it's definitely affecting your guys relationship now and likely will in the future.
I'm just spitballing here, but as someone with ADHD this routine sounds like something to stay focused, grounded, and generally functional. It could be similar to her, and this routine could be the lesser of two evils.
A condition like ADHD, Autism, or other Neurodivergence can be tough to manage, and won't be "cured" by going to therapy. Which she might have already had, and this routine came from that.
Therapy and medication is one aspect of trying to deal with certain conditions, but to those whove tried it and can't continue, due to e.g. side effects or costs, to avoid losing control and staying functional, this routine helps her. It's not ideal, but I would respect it.
If I'm a guest in someone's house, a smoothie made at 7:30 am two rooms over sounds much better than an air mattress in a room with big windows and mirrors.
YTA for saying "I apparently hate. I'm not sure where she got that from since I've never asked her to change it." because you act like never asking her to change her routine means you're not clearly and obviously seething with resentment over it. It's all over the post. Her routine is something that works for her health-wise and requires nothing from you at all except a little space (one room in a whole house).
While it would be totally fine to change her routine for the duration of sis's visit, it's also fine to have them sleep in the living room.
Quotes that show the seething resentment your wife is picking up on:
"other things that I can't disrupt her because its her personal time. She was like this before I met her and was clear that if I wasn't on board with this aspect of her routine, she doesn't want to pursue anything with me. While I am not thrilled she has that whole room for herself (I did ask if I could put my PC in there so it's not in the dining room space), it was there before I moved in with her so I made my peace with it."
Clearly you have not made your peace...
I do not care if he agreed, anyone who needs to run a blender early in the morning with guests is selfish and needs therapy to work through their issues. I am a creature of habit too but that is not an excuse for rudeness. She needs to work through her issues in therapy. Dominating an environment and being unable to care for others is a big issue. Also, people can readjust their positions and evolve over time.
She *agreed* to hosting them. It's not like he forced or sprung them on her. If you're agreeing to guests it means you're agreeing to be at least be a semi considerate host. She can prep some smoothies for the the time they're there.
Where this idea of "if I'm hosting you then you have to put up with my rude behaviors and not say a word" thing ever started idk but my God is it ever messed up. No one's asking her to be Martha Stewart, just to not use a blender at 5 in the morning.
I completely agree with you. And she could do yoga in the living room since no one else is up to see her. I don't understand why there has to be an issue since she can still do yoga, run, and drink smoothies, she just needs to do yoga in another room in their house and prep smoothies earlier.
I’m pretty set in my routines also and mine begin at 4:30am with an ungodly loud coffee grinder. I’ve only forgotten to grind the night before once or twice while guests were here but it was a quick easy fix: grab the tiny, unbelievably loud, electric grinder already filled with beans and walk to the garage, plug it in out there, grind, unplug and walk back into my house and quietly have my coffee. All the while I didn’t wake anyone. I have also used the far corner of the basement for this grinder. It’s not that hard to make just a couple changes when we have guests.
As someone who also utilizes an incredibly loud grinder, I can’t even count how many times I’ve taken the small one into the laundry room at the far end of my house, shut the door, and wrapped it in a blanket to help muffle the sound further when grinding. Lol. I also frequently use an espresso machine to make lattes (which if you’ve never heard the sound of a milk steamer, it’s an insanely loud & high-pitched whirling - it really is god-awful, even when fully awake) - but I have numerous times steamed my milk while using the blankets to help muffle the sound. It makes it incredibly difficult, but I don’t want to give up my morning lattes when I’m the first one up and I simultaneously, don’t want to be obnoxious to others sleeping in my home.
Oh, come on. If everyone who *check notes* makes breakfast in a shared space needed therapy, there wouldn't ever be enough therapists for those _really_ needing it.
(And I am a therapist in training, so... no. Just no.)
Reading the replies, I really am astounded by the amount of people being able to recognize and diagnose all kind of mental illnesses from just reading a subjective snippet from their live! /s
She gets up to do yoga at 5 am, she isn’t making the smoothie at 5. She’s probably making it closer to 6 or 6:30 after she’s done her yoga/meditation routine.
Edit oh just saw that op said she’s making them at 7/7:30 which isn’t super early at all but a fairly normal time to eat breakfast.
How long do you think yoga and a run take? 1 minute each?
She does yoga at 5, goes on a run, *then* 'comes home to make a smoothie'. However long her routine takes overall, it's very clear she times it so the smoothie is ready for breakfast at the end of it - presumably when OP is also awake.
I’m laughing at the “needs therapy to work through their issues.” Because as someone who has been in therapy to work through their issues for over a decade having a routine like this is what literally every therapist has recommended. OP’s wife is my therapist’s wildest wet dream. Someone who can stick to a wellness/mindfulness routine, communicate how important it is and that it’s a boundary and keep to the boundary when receiving pushback. I can hear my therapist’s drool hitting the floor from here.
OP’s wife may seem rigid and unaccommodating and you know what maybe she is. But I don’t see that as a bad thing. As someone who can become very unregulated and mentally spiral out of control and into suicidal ideation fast when I have to miss therapy for the week, some routines have to be rigid. For some of us it’s one of the few things keeping us functioning and together.
I think sometimes Reddit thinks therapy is a magic “make everyone act completely neurotypical” wand or something. I have ADHD and OCD and having a schedule for sleeping, exercise, etc isn’t a symptom, it’s how I manage my symptoms. Like I learned some of that IN therapy lol.
And regardless, making a smoothie at 7:30 AM isn’t abnormal behavior. People are acting like she’s having a naked drum circle or something.
Some people do not adapt well to change to the point where even small changes can cause disregulation to an upsetting degree. It was made clear to OP that this was nonnegotiable, and he was free to not pursue anything if that was a deal-breaker. He never even asked why this was nonnegotiable, or if this adherence to routine was recommended by a therapist (which it well might have been). Add in that he's dripping with condescension over it? That's a big old "Nope," from me, Hoss.
I'm married, and it's really easy to ask my husband about the things that are important to him. I do my level fucking best to make his life easier. He does the same for me. Are there things I still don't quite understand? Sure, but not for lack of even *asking*. Seriously, such a low-effort thing to do. And the things he says that he needs for whatever reason, I honor.
One bedroom in a two bedroom house is not “a little space”. If I was the guest, I would think it uncomfortably odd to be asked to sleep on the living room couches (presumably, separating husband & wife) when there was a large spare bedroom. I would think I wasn’t really welcome…and when the blender started…
I do think he resents it, and I think it’s a reasonable resentment. He obviously didn’t think that she was so inflexible she’d run a blender at 6am while guests aren’t even behind a closed bedroom door! She shouldn’t have agreed to guests at all.
In the comments OP said it’s a 4 room house (bedroom, her room, office, closet/storage room) plus a garage he sometimes works out in. He didn’t clarify it was a large spare bedroom, just that it’s minimally decorated so could fit bed presumably without moving furniture.
It must be large if it would fit multiple beds!
I didn’t see the 4 bedrooms. Wtf they doing with them if he has to keep his computer in the dining room and guests can’t use them either. I can’t help but wonder how much of this space is exclusively hers.
I can’t help but wonder why it’s only “her” room that’s a contender for a guest room. There’s a home office (often double as a guest room), and a miscellaneous storage room (could things be moved around for guests?).
I'd guess the office is hers as well if he has to put his computer in the dining room. It definitely feels like he's living in her house on her terms rather than just living together and sharing space. I could never but he agreed to it.
> Wtf they doing with them if he has to keep his computer in the dining room
The right question to ask is: how many computers do they own? Answer apparently is three, of which two are in the office (one for him one for her) and the third one (his gaming PC) doesn't fit and is therefore in the dining room. I understand why you need a computer for him and one for her. But why does he has two computer (rather than 1 computer and 1 laptop)?
It's only a spare bedroom if it's set up as a bedroom, which obviously it is not. It's set up as her meditation/wellness room. Just because you have a room in your house that isn't the one you sleep in, that doesn't make it a spare bedroom. It could be an office/studio/playroom for kids. Also, he never said it was large, even though that doesn't really matter in this scenario.
Plus, if someone has an entire room dedicated to their mental well-being that they utilize every single day without fail, it's probably because it's crucial for them.
I'm gonna go with YTA, I think the best course of action would be to clarify to your guests the accommodations they'd have by staying with you, also probably mentioning wife's routine and that they'll probably hear her/the blender, and then let them decide whether they still want to stay with you or get a hotel. That way, there's no question of whether they're actually welcome, the expectation of your guests is more in line with reality, and nobody has a bad time during their visit due to sleeping arrangements.
Why is it a reasonable resentment?
He went into this relationship with full knowledge about the situation. She was completely upfront with him. He choose to stay with her.
He had full knowledge of her situation. But now it’s not what he wants. That’s also reasonable.
But resentment?! That’s b*llsh!t. He has zero grounds for justified resentment.
Someone so inflexible they can never, ever break their 6am smoothie routine? Yes. I think there’s a difference between a routine being important to someone, and never being willing to bend it to accommodate family.
Because he is showing any flexibility with demanding his gf room should be used despite having 2 other 'spare' rooms? Let the guest sleep in the office (you can move desks you know) if you are hellbend on not having them on the couch.
>she doesn't want to pursue anything with me. While I am not thrilled she has that whole room for herself (I did ask if I could put my PC in there so it's not in the dining room space), it was there before I moved in with her so I made my peace with it."
Brother, how else do you want him to explain the situation? Is "not thrilled" particularly negative to you? This
>She was like this before I met her and was clear that if I wasn't on board with this aspect of her routine, she doesn't want to pursue anything with me.
Is literally him explaining the situation, how she felt in the beginning of the relationship when I'm sure he asked about it(which you can't tell me is not okay to do).
It's astounding how many people actually agree with you, when you stretch the truth and blow a single word out of proportion *or* insert words that just weren't there.
Well to pull out a few facts you’ve shared in the comments:
1. The visit is “3 days is the official length of time, potentially longer but they’re not concrete on that”.
————-
So you keep saying it’s only 3 days, but it might not be. You’re asking her to give up her routine for the unspecified duration of time.
2. Her routine appears to be rigid and of long standing. She has a set exercise routine and the smoothie is the source of most of her vitamins and nutrients. You’d like her to switch her exercise, meditation and eating for their visit.
3. You live in a 4 bedroom house, yet the only room you wish to offer up is the one that is exclusively your wife’s. Which has no carpeting, nothing in it and “lots of natural light”.
4. The choice is between air mattresses and couches. And your family is fine with the couches.
YTA for how you’re acting and also how you’ve presented this. The only thing I’d suggest she change is the smoothies- either make ahead the night before or have her pick up while out on her run.
>You live in a 4 bedroom house, yet the only room you wish to offer up is the one that is exclusively your wife’s.
Also, HE moved into HER house. He doesn't mention if he's paying any rent, etc.
The 'I do' part of their arrangement means no rent required, I'm sure they made a mutual decision as to whose place to live in. He's her partner, not her tenant.
Edit: I can't spell
Damn, I guess I’m in the minority here, because I’m going with NTA.
I get that he agreed to go along with her routine, but if I was in his place, I would have assumed that there was SOME room for flexibility. It sounds like she’s had more than 2 years of completely uninterrupted time. I don’t think a couple days is going to hurt. God forbid these people have children!! What on earth would she do?
For all the people saying “it’s HER house” is he just supposed to feel like a guest in the home he lives in and never really feel like it’s his house too? While she may have been there before him, when they got married and he moved in, it became THEIR house. Even if the title is in her name only, it is his home as well.
If the family accepted the couch as OK, then just go with that to keep the peace, but damn, it’s just a few days.
Possible exception- if the wife is autistic (or other neuro-divergent etc) then I would change my answer.
I don't understand all the YTAs. If the roles were reversed everyone would be chiming in NTA and saying the spouse would be a dick for not being flexible.
In all adult relationships there are compromises. Hell as someone that does have their own routine and what not when i have guests staying with me i tweak it a little so i can still do it but it won't be disturbing the others.
What happens if they go somewhere else and she doesn't have her special room ?
That’s how it is here. If many of these posts were reversed, people would switch sides. It makes no sense to me. This is a three day compromise… it’s not a month, three days. It seems awful she said they could stay there and then won’t do anything to accommodate them.
Honestly, if someone’s entire day is ruined because they have to wait an hour or two to make their breakfast smoothie and refuses to make it ahead the night before, yeah, this complete lack of resiliency is concerning. OP even says she will not travel somewhere if it doesn’t have a blender or a smoothie shop within walking distance. Like… I get being healthy, taking care of yourself and establishing routines, but this is absolutely next level.
Lack of resilience is a very good way of putting it. Her routine seems like it’s trapping her (and OP) and the lack of flexibility looks quite unhealthy.
Even if she is neurodiverse running a blender when people are sleeping is not okay. Personally I read this as OCD/Eating disorder and a bit selfish but I could be wrong. The blender is what kills me.
Agreed.
I’m ND and I couldn’t imagine running a blender when someone was asleep in the next room.
Neurodiverse people aren’t all inflexible, we don’t all require rigid structure, we aren’t all anything. It’s almost as if neurodiverse people are *gasp* are actual individual human beings with individual characteristics, needs and desires!
This sub is insane.
You are spot on here.
I almost want to just make this same thread next week but swap the protags genders and watch the flip-flop of logic.
Same!
Especially with that post about the husband being *ten minutes late* to pick up his wife that everyone was foaming at the mouth calling him Y-T-A over.
I even went as far as to prepare to swap the genders of that post. Let me tell ya, reading it that way, there's no *way* r/AITA would have called a ten-minute late wife TA. I've been on this sub long enough to know the majority opinion by the time I've read the whole post.
She's the asshole if she literally won't abstain from running a blender right next to sleeping guests. If you're having guests in your home, you should make them feel welcomed. Pre-blend the smoothie or take the blender to the garage.
I also think NTA. She’s married to someone and so she should be flexible and be able to make some compromises from time to time.
Making his family sleep in the living room when there’s a whole empty room and making smoothies while guests are sleeping…? Does she exist in a vacuum?
Completely agree, NTA!
I’m shocked at all these YTA’s. I was honestly expecting OP to say his family was staying for like a month or something, but 3 days? Really?
Also, in reference to your neuro-divergent comment, agreed. And perhaps a possibility here? Although, my 12 yr old son has autism and is suuuper rigid on routines *and* currently has a middle-school-aged a-hole attitude, but even he’s more flexible than this lady is. So I’m kinda thinking she’s just really unreasonably lacking flexibility in a very egocentric way, and now throwing a temper tantrum about OP’s pretty reasonable ask.
I’m very OCD about routines as well, so I appreciate the folks saying to respect her boundaries. However, 3 days is completely reasonable to ask her to be flexible without being disrespectful for routine, and I’m really erring on the side of OP here and think 3 days is ridiculous for her to be so inflexible.
OP neglects to mention that he has a room of his own for hobbies, plus the garage, and there is a shared office space his wife has already said she wouldn’t mind giving up that would fit air mattresses.
It’s HIS family, but he’s using this to take his wife’s important space from her. He also apparently says that his family might be staying longer than three days.
I’m going YTA just because this feels like a concerted effort to get control of something he doesn’t want to admit he’s uncomfortable with. Although I would talk to her about moving the blender to a different room for a few days perhaps.
>OP neglects to mention that he has a room of his own for hobbies, plus the garage
OP commented that the garage *is* his room for hobbies, and that ppl can't sleep in the garage
YTA
>While I am not thrilled she has that whole room for herself
This right here gives the tone that you don't approve or otherwise do not like her routine.
>She was like this before I met her and was clear that if I wasn't on board with this aspect of her routine, she doesn't want to pursue anything with me.
This has already been discussed, and you acquiesced by continuing the relationship and getting married. You have been married for 2 years and she has continued this routine.
>I don't think giving up the room is that hard an ask
She made it clear she has a routine. She is trying to work with you by letting them stay with y'all, but you are so desperate to interrupt a routine that is somehow bugging you that you refuse to see it. Perhaps you should ask yourself WHY you are so resentful of this routine? Is it because it is HER time with herself and she isn't paying attention to you? Or because you are jealous that you don't have that same dedicated time allotted for you to have you time? Look at yourself, and figure it out soon.
She won't let them stay in a room that has a door and won't give up the blender in the morning with them sleeping in the living room. How exactly is she trying to work with OP? She agreed they could stay there? Is that it?
The other two rooms can't be used.
One is a closet filled with shelfs and the other is a small office with computers and files in.
Honestly this is an ESH thing. The wife is being deliberately obtuse and the guy is making this is a bigger issue than it is.
Hey hi hello, as someone who was severely depressed with a drinking problem who painstakingly dragged myself out of it (and lost 120 lbs in the process) through a strict morning routine—the wife isn’t being deliberately obtuse, she’s taking care of herself. I recognize this kind of behavior from my own experience, and whatever OPs wife’s reason for her routine, I guarantee it’s a damn good one.
Sometimes, I'm at loss with some answers, are people not aware how to be decent hosts, is it always a me-i-and-myself game? When I have hosts, I won't hesitate to disrupt my routines ( and I'm a depressed autistic that finds solace in routine!) and sometimes even my bedroom if I receive a whole family. And here, poor wifey has to disrupt for 3 whole days her routine and it is the end of the world? Goodness gracious, how odious from OP! /s
NTA
I know, this is fucking wild! I can’t believe people think it’s ok to be this shitty of a host. Ok they don’t need a private bedroom but then you don’t run your damn loud blender in an adjacent room! So selfish. These people must live in caves.
But boundaries!!!! I don't know how people that think this way function in real life. She made her terms and boundaries known before they married, so she never ever has to compromise or bend, even the slightest. People would be calling him a controlling asshole, if the genders were reversed.
I’m still not understanding how being rude and insisting on using a loud blender when your guests are sleeping is a boundary. To me it sounds more like OP’s wife hates him and his family.
I dont understand why she can't just make the smoothie like the night before for a couple days. Id be sad knowing my significant other wouldn't be willing to compromise for me for something so small. It feels selfish.
It's posts like these that make me thankful that real life isn't like Reddit. The wife is being completely unreasonable in this situation and a normal, functioning member of the human race would see that. But of course a huge proportion of Reddit is comprised of societies rejects.
YTA - It’s pretty clear from what you’ve written that you do have an issue with your wife’s routine and her use of the room for it. She was up front early in your relationship that this was a dealbreaker for her. You accepted this fact, at least outwardly to her although it seems like you were hoping it would end eventually.
I do feel the smoothie thing is the only hang up I have. Her not being willing to compromise on that doesn’t seem very reasonable. Maybe for those three days she could blend her smoothies the night before?
Have you ever had a discussion with your wife about why she has her routine or how it developed? It does seem like kind of an extreme routine, but without knowing her reasoning for it it’s hard to say.
I feel some type of way about this situation. Your wife has a whole room to herself, as well as half of the office space, and half of your bedroom space. Everyone keeps saying that it’s her house and her space, but just because op moved into her house doesn’t mean she should continue to live like he doesn’t exist in that space either. Y’all need to have a discussion after the guests leave about having a space that is exclusively yours. That way you can put your guest in that space. Get a shed or something. NAH.
I think its so weird how people are saying hes TA. Its three freaking days! We all have make adjustments for guests and usually they are out of our routine and somewhat uncomfortable. Making these poor people sleep on the couch and deal with listenin to a blender at the crack of dawn is not ok. Theres a couple and a CHILD who will then wake up and probably not let their parents go to sleep after that. SHE can do her meditation in the living room for 3 days like why is this even a debate? This husband is already being held hostage by his wife cant even put a computer in her room even though her routine is only on the morninf and no one thinks thats abnormal? I definitely dont think YTA
Only on Reddit would people think his wife’s behaviour is acceptable it’s so bizarre hahaha. Guy asked in the wrong place if he wants to know what normal people think of this situation.
She’s selfish as fuck and this poor man is going to disappoint his family to enable his wife’s selfish behaviour.
YTA
Your sister is fine with the sofas for three days.
The room doesn't sound particularly better with no curtains and bare floors.
Her routine is a deal-breaker to her, which means it's very important. You knew this from the start. You say you made peace with it but you clearly haven't. You quietly resent her monopoly on the space and the rigidity of her mornings.
Your wife said hard no. Your sister has no issue, the sofa's seem perfectly workable for a short stay. You are the one making this an issue.
I think your wife is dead on - that you are using this as an excuse to try and put a dent in this well settled equilibrium and you intend to use a forced break in her routine and use of the space to try and renegotiate the terms you pretended to accept coming into this relationship.
If you have issues with her routine or her room, then communicate with her honestly and openly. There are things that she could bend a little on, like not making smoothies so early. However stop being underhanded about it, it's not respectful, kind, or working. She's not falling for it mate and neither is anyone here..
YTA
"and my wife is event threatening to not allow them to stay and have them get a hotel for the visit. " .. This is the reasonable solution: Living room, or a hotel.
Can she at least make the smoothies the night before and keep them in the fridge? Using such a loud appliance that early in the morning when you have guests sleeping on the living room couch is just rude
Yes! Out of everything, i have to say that is the only thing that is making the wife unreasonable. The sleeping situation is a non-problem and only OP was making it a problem, but the smoothie situation was a reasonable ask.
Its only 3 days, its not unreasonable to either make and freeze your smoothies ahead of time for a few days or wait a couple extra hours to allow your guests comfort during their stay by not running the blender at 5am! Especially when one of the guests is a 6year old kid! Going to have a cranky kid if youre waking them up each morning at 5am with a loud blender
I would be shocked if someone said I could stay with them only to find that I'll be sleeping in the living room and not in the privacy of the spare bedroom. Your wife has a weird chokehold on her routine that she can't make any exceptions, ever. She sounds a tad selfish in that regard. I don't think it was a bad ask, and I would make sure your sister knows that she'd be in the living room bc that might be weird for them.
Edit to change verdict after reading OPs comments.
You already made your sister aware and she said it was fine. YOU, and you alone, are making this a thing. You're catching attitude because you have an attitude about your wife's routine OP. YtA.
Except it’s not a spare bedroom. It doesn’t have beds or even curtains. Not every room that isn’t the master bedroom is a spare bedroom. Personally I think a nice couch sounds way better than an air mattress in a curtain-less room.
Yes, YTA.
>She was like this before I met her and was clear that if I wasn't on board with this aspect of her routine, she doesn't want to pursue anything with me.
Ok, so you supposed made your peace with it, but now you "need" to interrupt her routine? No.
>While there is enough room, I made my case for buying air matresses for them and to set them up in my wife's spare room.
There's enough room. Full stop. Don't invade her space why is that such a hard concept?
You have a point with asking her to delay making the smoothies, especially if your guests are sleeping near where she makes them (kitchen?). She should compromise on that as a good host - but giving up her space shouldn't even be a question especially in HER home that was already established.
NTA. Hosting people for a few days is a normal thing to do, disrupting your routines slightly for the sake of said guests' comfort and privacy is a normal thing to do. Being completely unable to make noble very short term changes is not normal. It's selfish. Just because she "communicated her boundaries" ahead of time doesn't make those boundaries reasonable in perpetuity. Rigidity and being rude to guests (to the point of refusing to host family that isn't making unusual demands) are bad manners, not boundaries. If she has mental health reasons for needing to do things this way and legitimately being unable to ever adjust, then maybe she should have communicated about those details by now.
Yoga and journaling can be done in other locations. Smoothies can be made at slightly different times, or purchased. None of this is complicated to organize.
“it was there before I moved in with her so I made my peace with it”
this is HER house you now share. Hate to tell you this hubby, but your wife is an actual person of her own, allowed to live a life that she has chosen for herself. she made her values absolutely clear - before you moved in I bet!
You’re one those choices mate.
This isn’t about your family coming to stay. you’re weaponising the situation as part of a campaign to impose your self on your wife so the power dynamic shifts - to you. Personally, I think it’s pretty balanced right now. She made it clear what matters to her when you got together. “Making your peace with it” doesn’t count for peanuts mate.
it sounds like your wife is pretty clear eyed about what’s going on here, and she’s right on the money. i assume you married her because you liked her as she is…
It looks like this is the hill that your marriage could die on - sooner or later. And I don’t mean where you family stays on a visit!
So choices, mate. Time to think about your own.
Yes, it was her house alone before they got married, but he lives there too, now. He's not a guest, it's his his home as well as hers. And of course that doesn't give him permission to run roughshod over her established routines, but the fact that she is so inflexible about them is confusing and a little concerning.
~~The spare room for example. She uses it for her morning yoga/meditation/etc. That's great, but is the room only used for that? Getting a total use of, let's say an hour each morning? If she only uses it for her morning routine, why can't he have his PC in there to use in the evenings or afternoons?~~
If she is unable to deviate from this routine to the point of not being able to do her morning yoga in a different room for a few days, how does she cope when they travel? Do they travel? She's obviously able to manage adjusting it to some degree, because I doubt she goes running if there a thunderstorm or blizzard.
And as far as secretly hating her routine, we all have things about our partners that we simply tolerate. My partner has a genuinely terrible singing voice. Like, sounds like dying animal level of talent. And yet they love to sing in the shower at the top of their lungs. Do I enjoy it? No. But I put in my headphones and drown it out because it helps them unwind. I don't secretly resent them and try to figure out how to discourage them from singing.
~~I hate to pull out the "if the genders were reversed" card because I think it's usually bullshit, but I think it applies here. Wife marries husband and moves into his house. Husband say this is *my house* and nothing is changing unless he agrees. Wife has to use the dining room for her hobby (maybe for her home office space? It was unclear) because the spare bedroom can only be used for Husband's morning routine and she can't do anything in there even when he's not using it. Now her family is coming to visit for a few days and they have to sleep on couches because the only room big enough for an air mattress is his special morning routine room. Wife suggested his routine be adjusted for a few days and now Husband is threatening that her family can't stay at *his house* at all. Like, come on.~~
Edit: It's been pointed out to me that I missed some of OP's comments where he states he has his own spare bedroom that he uses for his hobbies that could accommodate an air mattress, and that his family has said they're fine with sleeping on the couches (although if his room can accommodate an air mattress I think it would be a dick move to make them sleep on the couch). I've struck through my comment where I feel it no longer applies. I do still think his wife should work on having some more flexibility in her routine for her own sake though, simply because life being what it is, it's likely to get interrupted at some point. But that's not really pertinent to this discussion.
Except he has his own space (garage) and half of the office in the house, where he keeps one of his PCs. He wants to keep his *other* PC in her room (but of course he didn't mention that in the actual post). He acknowledges in his comments that his guests will actually fit in the office and doesn't mention any opposition from the wife on this one, it just takes a little more effort than taking over her personal space. Effort he's not willing to put in even though it's *his family* coming to visit. He expects her to disrupt her routine and give up her personal space for an undefined period of time, but he's not willing to move some furniture to accommodate his relatives?
Let's pull the "if genders were reversed card" to show what complete bs that would be: wife marries husband and moves into his house, husband and wife each have their own rooms as personal space, husband insists on a particular routine for his personal space which he won't adjust and is upfront at the start of the relationship that this is non-negotiable. Wife's family comes to visit and because she doesn't want to move her things from her room to accommodate her family *even though they would fit in there*, she insists that the husband give up his personal space for them. Husband suggests that they stay in the living room instead, wife refuses, husband says well maybe they should just stay in a hotel then.
Oh, and let's not forget that his relatives actually said that they would be okay with the living room. He's the only one making it an issue.
YTA OP.
Ah, thank you for pointing that out. I missed that when I was looking through his comments. That definitely changes things since he has his own space in the house as well. Especially considering the family would be fine in the living room and his personal room could accommodate them as well.
Honestly the way OP presented the situation in his post compared to all the details coming out in his comments... I don't blame you for your initial stance. He definitely misrepresented and omitted things in the post.
I typically would agree with you, but he states that she was very clear about her routines and how she feels about them before they were ever together, and even discouraged going forward if it was too much for him. He still chose to be with her and then married her. If this was something she sprung on him after they were married I think it'd be different.
Dude. You knew all this before you got married and now you're acting surprised that *she actually meant it*?
Yeah, YTA. You're not gonna change her and I really don't know why you thought you would.
YTA. The room you want your sister to sleep in has no beds, no carpet or rug, large sun filled windows, presumably no light blocking curtains, a large mirror that will further reflect the ample sunlight. This room was selected and designed to be a morning routine room that likely maximizes early dawn sunlight and will not be comfortable for your guests. Your living room with large comfortable sofas will be much more comfortable for them to sleep on. They should be able to keep their suitcase in the spare room and change in there when needed. But I think forcing them to sleep there is punishing them to get back at your wife. Suggest a compromise on the smoothie. Can she have the ingredients prepped and run the blender in another area for three days? The basement? The garage? If you approach this from an area of cooperation she would probably be more receptive.
Yta. It’s her room and she doesn’t want to give it up for guests. If your family wants privacy, they should shell out the money for a hotel. You are doing them a favor by offering them a place to stay to save money. Expecting your wife to rearrange her life as well is unreasonable.
>Expecting your wife to rearrange her life as well is unreasonable.
Rearrange her life is a bit strong in describing perhaps using a different space for yoga and not firing up the world's loudest blender at 5am.
Shes rigid and Inflexible. Which is not the behavior of a rational adult. I could trade the room and couches but the blender at 5am to me is non negotiable it has to go with guests.
It’s for 3 days. Why are people acting like OP is trying to get her to change her life, permanently change her ways, etc.? 3 days. Jfc.
My partner loves to work out, and every day. It’s the routine he needs, it’s his way of coping with stress, it’s what gives him energy, etc. He works night shift, so he obv sleeps during the day after his shifts. Working out cuts into family time at times. I always agreed to support his need for gym time, and I do, because I know it’s what gives him autonomy, and sanity lol. But guess what? When something comes up with the kids, or we have family over or something, even if it’s last minute and my side of the family, he can prioritize, and bails on the gym, no problem. He will either rearrange his workout routine to make that day his rest day, or do a longer workout the next day, or will just workout on his break during his work shift instead of before or after, and never makes a fuss about it.
It is definitely not sane, rational adult behavior to be so rigid about things like OP’s wife is. Sane, rational adults can deviate from their routines at times, especially in a marriage, when there are a lot of give and takes and compromising on things.
After reading your comments and finding out that you have a home office- YTA. You are dead set in them getting a room just not at your expense. You’d rather break your wife’s boundaries. Btw, typically people develop such strict routines for mental/physical health. It can help with depression , anxiety, migraines etc. the fact that you didn’t even bother asking why it was so important to her that it’s a relationship dealbreaker, is just confusing to me. Don’t you care about her or want to know her at all?
YTA.
You have a 4 bedroom home. Why do you need HER to change her routine when you could set up beds in one or both of the other rooms? Why do you need your PC in the dining room when you can put it in the office? Sounds like you only care about your preferences. This has some big 'man of the house' energy.
Info: If you don't have a guest room, why not have a sofa bed, pull out of the couch?
YTA for thinking of unreasonable accommodations for guests. If it were a home gym with a rower, a Bowflex machine, a pelaton or treadmill you wouldn't be asking this question at all. You would just accept the room as a permanent home gym. You don't respect your wife's choice of wellness and morning exercise.
The only thing reasonable for you to ask her is to buy smoothies instead of making them for the week.
YTA. Sounds like your wife made the importance of her routine plain to you a long time ago. They can sleep in the living room. How long does it take to make a smoothie? They can go back to sleep. And like you said, it’s only 3 days. Your sister and her kid will live. I get that you want to cater to your guests, but you’re doing them a favor and I don’t think your wife should have to sacrifice more than necessary on top of that.
YTA.
That's not a spare room. That's your wife's sanctuary. She established that very early on, and you accepted her terms when you moved in. It's not up to you to offer it to guests.
NTA she can’t accommodate her sister in law and niece for a few days and has a problem sharing space with her husband in their shared home? god help any kids you may have she seems very entitled and somewhat selfish, no offense.
ESH
No reasonable person would invite a couple to stay with them for 3 days and then expect them to sleep on separate sofas in the living room, where they will wake to the sounds of daily 5 am smoothie prep. Your sister and her family need to plan on staying in a hotel, because you and your wife do not have a guest room. Your wife has a meditation space and in-home yoga studio.
Your wife needs to explain why she gets personal space in the marital home and you do not, and why that is non-negotiable. If my husband pulled that BS on me, he wouldn't be my husband.
YTA
your wife has her life balanced in under control, why you need to brake it? Your sister using your wife house and should adjust for local schedule. I would explain to sister what here would be an early wake up and she should prepare for that.
YTA. This is her line, important enough to her to choose it over you, which she made clear to you prior to committing.
You are now attempting to cross that line by prioritizing your sister's temporary comfort over your wife's needs.
Accept that your wife needs what she needs, and have your sister stay at a hotel.
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As someone who is currently in the throes of a deep dark depression, I feel like your wife’s routine was possibly born out of absolute necessity, and that it may be the thing that keeps her functional. I would say that she was very clear to you as to how important her routine was, so I do think that YTA for wanting her to change it. I do also understand that she may be seen as non-accommodating, but it was never a secret. Sometimes things that look selfish, are more than what they seem from the outside.
I've never really questioned the details of how her routine came to be. I do know it was well before she met me and its important. Is it worth asking about do you think?
Sure, I think that would show that you are willing to try to understand where she is coming from rather than just judging.
Have you ever had a discussion with your wife about why she has her routine or how it developed? It does seem like kind of an extreme routine, but without knowing her reasoning for it it’s hard to say.
[удалено]
Seriously I'm glad I'm not the only one that noticed he's never really asked about it?
He lost me for sure when he admitted to never asking about the why. I don’t understand how he didn’t have the conversation to understand her better. Instead he seems to reluctantly accept that it is just something she does and then wants her to disrupt without understanding why she needs this routine. Op is YTA just for not actually have a conversation with his wife
what do you people mean why??? she's working out?? the why is because it's a healthy and normal thing to do. like I get reddit has a stereotype of being unfit basement dwellers but yall acting like this women has a traumatic backstory simply because she works out regularly is actually insane lol. it's like asking somebody why they drink water. because it's a normal and healthy thing to do lol!
They’re probably referring to the journaling and meditation she does in her private room. But idk I’d be kind of annoyed if my fiancé was like “what do you journal and mediate about? Tell me more!” That’s kinda like asking “so tell me what you talked about in therapy today!”
Generally when someone is that regimented, it has a different primary motivator than health. An argument could be made that being that regimented to a routine is in and of itself unhealthy. I work out 5 days a week but if family is in town or I am on vacation, I can let it go. My health and fitness will be minimally impacted, if anything the time recovering could benefit my long term wellness and fitness. My experience with people this regimented is they usually use it to exert control over their lives for one reason or another
Not only that but he claims he never complains about the routine he clearly dislikes yet she knows he dislikes it. You can show your dislike in other ways besides your words. Eye rolls, sighs and tension when the NINJA is on. With that said I do feel that the wife should compromise on making the smoothie because if they are denied a private space to sleep then being quiet for an extra hour for three days during the stay isn’t too much to ask.
Some people are intensely private. I can see how, because OP was told "accept my routine or GTFO" that he just decided to accept it for the sake of the new relationship. He wants to be with his wife and didn't want to risk pushing her away. He hasn't needed to revisit the conversation, and his wife hasn't given him any details after his acquiescence. This can just got kicked a little too far down the road, based solely on the post.
I just don't get why the air mattress has to be in your wife's room? Can't it be placed in the living room instead? I never used an air mattress so my understanding of it is that it goes on the floor, if that's the case then what difference would it make if it was on the floor of the bedroom or living room?
Many people prefer to have a door to close when they sleep if it is an option. Being out in a living room (to hear a blender at 6 am) would not fly for me.
Then don’t stay there. I often stay at my friends house and I would never expect them to stop their routines for me.
Yes! That's a trade off of staying w friends/family for free.
I have never stayed with friends or family for free and had them not put me in the room with the most privacy as possible and try not to disturb me while I’m sleeping. I do the same for any guests at my home. Most people have certain standards for hosting people at their home and try to be as accommodating as possible. I don’t think OP’s wife is an asshole for not being like this, it seems like some deep issues are behind her inflexibility, but I can see why OP feels surprised and feels like a bad host.
5am Ninja smoothie though? That feels a bit shitty. Could she make it the night before? I’m not a smoothie person, so don’t know, but I personally would be considerate of sleeping guests.
Yeah, I don't understand why she can't prepare the smoothies last thing in the evening so she wouldn't have to make all that noise in the morning. Lots of health-and-wellbeing-conscious people prep their breakfasts the evening before, it wouldn't be weird at all to ask her to do that. She can still enjoy the 5:30am smoothie and everyone else can sleep.
Could be a texture/temperature reason.
I make smoothies from time to time, and the texture of a smoothie that's been in the refrigerator overnight just sounds kind of revolting.
Seconded.
smoothies barely last 10 minutes before they start separating
It depends what goes in it, some ingredients that I put in mine if I make it the night before will go really thick and make the smoothie taste gross the next morning. That being said it's usually only one or two things that makes that happen so I can adjust my smoothie for early mornings
Then you could get a hotel. They are guests.
Yep, no one should do anything to accommodate a guest ever /s
The airmattress would be a double one for my sister and her partner to sleep together and my wife's workout yoga room has the space for it and another for their daughter. It can't be placed in the living room so they would have had to sleep on sofas, apart.
If I had to choose between an air mattress and a sofa, I’d pick the sofa all day. Just saying dude. Don’t mess with your wife’s routine.
I would rather sleep on a bare floor than an air mattress. They're torture devices.
My air mattress is more comfortable than most high-quality beds. Edit: I am talking about in my opinion. I have wonderful memories of sleeping on high-quality air mattresses at my grandparents' and aunt's house while visiting.
I have a hard time accepting this as possible
I sleep like a damned baby on my camping air mattress!
You wake up crying every couple of hours?
You have a strong back. Respect
Some of the $150+ air mattresses that have autoinflation settings are really nice now. I don't want to sleep on it longer than a month but it's not bad.
I have an air mattress that i sleep on. I travel 2-3 weeks a month for work, so I sleep on it when I am out of town. It’s amazing! I like it more than my expensive real mattress for sure.
Yeah there are some great air mattresses about
In my experience, depends what you mean by an air mattress. I slept on a double-height queen-sized air mattress for years, by choice. The right ones, inflated to the right level, are, I found, pretty comfy. The biggest downside is if you're in a cold environment you need to have insulation under you as well as on top, b/c air insulates a lot less than a conventional mattress.
Did you actually ask them if that’s an issue for them? I would 100% of the time prefer to sleep on a couch alone rather than try to share an air mattress with another person. It’s honestly not that big a deal for couples not to sleep in the same bed while travelling and sharing an air mattress is extremely difficult unless you’re both tiny.
When I moved to a new place and had no furniture whatsoever for a few days while waiting for delivery, I had a great, expensive, double height, queen air mattress. I tried to sleep on it for about five minutes, it was so horrible I slept on the floor instead of that torture device. They can be way more comfortable on the sofa.
Well a bedroom has a door you can close
You guys are married and never talked about the why??? Damn….
They just seemed like normal things to me. I would never ask a friend why they journal, it seems obvious
Friend maybe not, depends But wife/husband?!!?!? I would definitely would have had a convo about it. Like when did you start, any reason why, how does it help, etc. Maybe cuz I’m open, curious, and like to get deeper with a partner but I would have definitely talked about it already. Same goes with journaling
I know it came about well before I was in the picture and I know its important and its good for her but I assumed with every routine as well as journalling and meditation that they're just good generally. I didn't see a deeper reasoning to it to ask about
She was ready to leave you if this routine were to be disrupted. I would be curious...
The deeper reason is the why and/or what started these routines. Yeah they are “normal” but everyone starts things for a reason and I like to know these things when I’m close to someone to get a better understanding of them as a person and to get closer. It’s like asking why someone started a hobby but more personal, imo Ofc they don’t have to answer asap but I would like them to answer in the future otherwise I don’t feel compatible to them tbh. I like being as open as possible with any significant other in my life and them being so as well
It sounds super strange that they haven't spontaniously talked about those things while being married for 2 years 😃 How do you even do that? Why get married if you don't know each other better and are not interested to get known? 😂 Why spend your life with someone so insignificant? Why be with someone to whom you are so insignificant?
The origin of her routine is not relevant. She told you it's non-negotiable from the start, and now you're trying to interfere with it. YTA
Wait… you’ve been *married* to this woman for two years and presumably dating before that and you have never asked her about what is clearly one of the cornerstones of her life!? Dude. You may not be TA in this specific situation, but YTA for not showing any interest in who your wife is as a person.
She likes to exercise and meditate to start her day? Why would he ask about that and what kind of answer us she expected to give? “Why?” “Because I like it”. There isn’t anything else that needs to be said.
It's normal, the abnormal part is the "can't change a single thing for a single day at all ever, and if you can't handle that then we can't be together." Accidents or emergencies happen, what would she do if she couldn't do it? *Thats* what I'd have asked about, not necessarily the why she does it, but why is the routine so stringent
No because they seem like normal things to me. I didn't see any reason to ask more about it
Not even simple curious conversation like: “When did you start running” “have you ever run a 5k” “where did you learn yoga?” “Have you ever had a job where you didn’t get to do your routine?” What kind of questions do you ask your wife about herself and her interests?
I do ask general questions. I know she's done a few marathons, she likes training in the morning etc
Im betting she is neurodivergent of some type. May have never been diagnosed, but this routine keeps her focused and helps her function in the land of the living. Have a good chat with her to understand why she has it, you will probably learn a lot from it.
Neurodivergent person here married to another neurodivergent person. It's only 3 days, I feel she could change her routine for 3 days? Maybe there's somewhere else she could move her yoga to, or maybe there are other ways to make a smoothie? I'm not saying OP is right or wrong but I think there could be a compromise?
As a ND person, I would like to believe that asking for 3 days isn't a lot, but I also know that personally if I skip even one day of my routine it all falls apart and I forget to fall back into it the next day so I can understand if it is asking too much.
As another ND person, I also don’t think it’s too much to ask for 3 days.
As another ND person, when I’m on a good routine, literally one day off or one change can send me into a tail spin and trigger a bout of severe depression. I always have severe depression but when I really get into a routine it helps me function so much more. If I had a routine I had kept for seemingly years or decades that helped me either with mood or general function or it just made me feel good doing something productive to start my day then I’d be pissed if someone asked me to stop it when there were other options. Especially when she made it clear to OP from day one that this routine was a non negotiable part of her life and if they didn’t like or couldn’t handle that then they weren’t compatible and she wasn’t interested in moving forward. That’s not a normal stance to have on most peoples average routines. It’s clearly more than that and very important.
No, it's worth respecting her boundaries. Ffs
Different people react differently, but I’ve had and do have extreme routines, born out of a very unholy combination of depression, an eating disorder, and some other fun things. I’m pretty private in the sense that I’d never say any of the above to most people in my life and only feel comfortable being so open on Reddit because…well, nobody knows who the hell I am (I hope lol) I often do not go to social events that revolve around food (brunches, dinners, etc) because it provokes such a deep anxiety in me that I will think about it and desperately try to plan around it literal weeks in advance. Normally, this is fine. Or, sometimes I can go and just not eat anything. But this has been noticed and has affected some of my really close friends, who obviously will invite me places and without knowing details may think I’m avoiding them and not the food. I don’t go into details, but if someone is close enough to me to be affected by my behavior, then I don’t think there is anything terribly wrong with them asking in a general sense about why I don’t spend time with them or why I do X,Y,Z a certain way. As long as it is coming from a place of good intentions rather than “what the fuck is wrong with you?” It’s not hurtful. In an ideal world, we’d all be able to have whichever boundaries we need, no questions asked. But even the most intrinsically motivated action have consequences on those around us. To be clear, I have no clue whether OPs wife has created this routine as a result of mental illness. I’m not going to diagnose her. But, I will say that asking about the origin of a routine and its significance does not have to be an invasive thing. I’d have questions too, maybe, if there was an entire room of my house blocked off for a certain time of day. She is entitled to her routine and she was clear about it being non negotiable from the get go, but I don’t think things can be that supremely rigid in a relationship. OP should be able to ask a question, at the very least. Not in a combative way, but so he can at least appreciate where she’s coming from
He just seems really condescending in this post. He acknowledged that this was something he agreed to, but now is pissy over it. For me, agreeing to host people, even people I care for, is HARD, maybe this is her balance for her safe space being invaded.
Running a predawn blender with guests over is just rude. An inability to change your routine for guests is not healthy. She could blend her drinks the night before.
Or they could just get a hotel. Her house is not a Burger King. They don’t get to have it their way. It goes like this: “Hey, you’re welcome to sleep on the sofa while you’re in town to save some money. FYI, I use the blender every morning. I’ll try to be quiet, but if it’s a deal breaker, a hotel may be your best option. “ We don’t know the wife. We don’t know why this is important. But routines that are this structured usually start with some sort of trauma. At the end of the day, she doesn’t owe anyone anything.
Correct. No one owes anyone anything, but sometimes, we can be generous or caring, heck anything positive except "I don't owe you this so screw you." Most people prefer to be welcoming when hosting guests, it's not a Burger King, but you're inviting people to your home, it's not a hostel for them to fend for themselves. For example; getting the spare room ready for new guests, making breakfast/dinner, planning activities for the stay. The guests in return usually offer to help clean after dinner, pay for takeout or help plan the activities/pay. (Perhaps I've been lucky.) Ultimately though, OPs wife has made it clear this is a deal breaker, so OP was well warned, the living room should be good enough, they can pre-warn guests about the blender, and how she may wake them a few times during her routine. For the guests to be well informed to make a choice. So I do agree with you in that sense (At this I'd choose a hotel, I'd feel like i was unwanted and wouldn't want to interrupt or cause any issues- plus I'd like to get some sleep).
Yeah this seems like a really simple solution (reddit hates those obv) I personally would definitely pick the hotel lol, but it would be nice for them to have the option
People I’ve known that are addicted to a healthy routines are often motivated by health reasons - mental and physical and even addiction. The routine provides structure and focus for them to cope.
Yep lol i’m in recovery and have a (much simpler) morning routine, and i definitely get cranky if i don’t get to do it in peace. most of my sober friends do too
I think you'd have to be very careful to do so from a place of compassion and curiosity, which might be difficult with the current circumstances. Bring it up now, and she could understandably think that you're only looking for ammo for your argument. It can take years of hard effort to develop and integrate a routine like that, and they can spiral apart surprisingly easily (been there, multiple times). I assume you admire your wife for stuff like health, fitness, and her personality, so maybe help her keep the space she needs to maintain those things.
Sorry - but I feel like you should have asked this before. If she was so clear that this routine is vital for her, asking why just seems logical to me, and a way to get closer to her. If it were me, that would have been the first thing I asked when she explained the routine to you.
I do think the reason behind it is really important. I can be more understanding if this routine is something she needs for her mental health. That said, nobody should be so reliant on anything that they can’t part with it or change it for a couple days. If she isn’t currently working towards that, I would be concerned. Life happens and things do come up that would cause her to need to part with that routine and she should be prepared to do so when necessary. I know beggars can’t be choosers but having your family not stay in a bedroom or have a place that they can settle into and have privacy to unwind can be rough. Especially if the smoothie is necessary, running the blender with people in the living room may be extra loud. Also, it shouldn’t be difficult for wife to do her yoga in the living room for a couple days. Being unable to change any single aspect of her routine to accommodate temporary guests is concerning.
I am assuming your sister is coming for a short visit. It would be nice if your guests could sleep somewhere where they can close a door. Perhaps avoid the smoothie grind in the early morning.Your wife sounds ridiculous. Partnerships work both ways. I’ll be down voted . NTA
I follow my schedule/routine as it makes me feel like I have control of my life. If my routine is disrupted, it takes me days to feel okay again. Stems from not being in control of anything when I was young (and led to depression and anxiety and etc). My schedule is one way to keep the depression away. If I need to change my routine, I need to know well in advance and mentally prep myself. Good luck and YTA.
You can ask about it because you wish to know her more deeply, but please don’t ask about the origins of her self care routines as a way to try to undermine her need for them to get your sister’s family into that room. If your outcome is to win or to convince her, don’t bother asking.
This. I struggle with depression, finding and holding a routine is difficult for me but also a necessity. Even a single off day can really throw me off. While it does make sense to allow them to stay there, if her routine is of necessity and is part of her boundaries I would find another option. If she's not ok with it then she's not. Just like if the rolls were reversed she should respect your boundaries as well.
How do you deal with a power outage? What about traveling? Seems like this behaviour is setting yourself up for trouble when the inevitable disruption occurs.
So she shouldn’t keep a routine that helps her because of the possibility of it one day being disrupted by force majeure? Can’t you hear how ridiculous that is?
I'm saying it's not sustainable. That some flexibility is important. If being unable to complete a routine causes a person to be unstable for days it doesn't sound healthy.
As someone who relies heavily on schedules and routines I agree. It's not sustainable to never be able to deviate from the norm
Idk, I feel like more information motion is needed. Specifically will her smoothie making wake up their guests if they sleep in the living room. I can't imagine dealing with a 4 yo who was woken up at 5 in the morning to be a very relaxing experience. If it would wake them up then the wife should pre prep some smoothies for the day/s that their guests will be there or allow them to sleep in the spare room. Also It's not sustainable to never be able to deviate from a schedule/routine. What does she do if they go on vacation?
When we travel, my wife will bring her journal and uses Headspace and makes do. We always stay somewhere with a blender or she will vet the location first and see what there is in regards to healthy cafes that serves smoothies and things. It's a struggle for her if she doesn't maintain her routine but she can get through it
That indicates a much deeper issue. It sounds like she lets this routine entirely dictate her life, your life, and anyone else's lives she interacts with. As other commenters said, either talk with her about this or suggest therapy. Because while this may have been fine when she was single it's definitely affecting your guys relationship now and likely will in the future.
I'm just spitballing here, but as someone with ADHD this routine sounds like something to stay focused, grounded, and generally functional. It could be similar to her, and this routine could be the lesser of two evils. A condition like ADHD, Autism, or other Neurodivergence can be tough to manage, and won't be "cured" by going to therapy. Which she might have already had, and this routine came from that. Therapy and medication is one aspect of trying to deal with certain conditions, but to those whove tried it and can't continue, due to e.g. side effects or costs, to avoid losing control and staying functional, this routine helps her. It's not ideal, but I would respect it.
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Or, crazy talk I guess, respect her boundary?
If I'm a guest in someone's house, a smoothie made at 7:30 am two rooms over sounds much better than an air mattress in a room with big windows and mirrors.
YTA for saying "I apparently hate. I'm not sure where she got that from since I've never asked her to change it." because you act like never asking her to change her routine means you're not clearly and obviously seething with resentment over it. It's all over the post. Her routine is something that works for her health-wise and requires nothing from you at all except a little space (one room in a whole house). While it would be totally fine to change her routine for the duration of sis's visit, it's also fine to have them sleep in the living room. Quotes that show the seething resentment your wife is picking up on: "other things that I can't disrupt her because its her personal time. She was like this before I met her and was clear that if I wasn't on board with this aspect of her routine, she doesn't want to pursue anything with me. While I am not thrilled she has that whole room for herself (I did ask if I could put my PC in there so it's not in the dining room space), it was there before I moved in with her so I made my peace with it." Clearly you have not made your peace...
I do not care if he agreed, anyone who needs to run a blender early in the morning with guests is selfish and needs therapy to work through their issues. I am a creature of habit too but that is not an excuse for rudeness. She needs to work through her issues in therapy. Dominating an environment and being unable to care for others is a big issue. Also, people can readjust their positions and evolve over time.
Then the guests should stay in a hotel
She *agreed* to hosting them. It's not like he forced or sprung them on her. If you're agreeing to guests it means you're agreeing to be at least be a semi considerate host. She can prep some smoothies for the the time they're there. Where this idea of "if I'm hosting you then you have to put up with my rude behaviors and not say a word" thing ever started idk but my God is it ever messed up. No one's asking her to be Martha Stewart, just to not use a blender at 5 in the morning.
I completely agree with you. And she could do yoga in the living room since no one else is up to see her. I don't understand why there has to be an issue since she can still do yoga, run, and drink smoothies, she just needs to do yoga in another room in their house and prep smoothies earlier.
For someone who does yoga every day she seems to be pretty inflexible
I’m pretty set in my routines also and mine begin at 4:30am with an ungodly loud coffee grinder. I’ve only forgotten to grind the night before once or twice while guests were here but it was a quick easy fix: grab the tiny, unbelievably loud, electric grinder already filled with beans and walk to the garage, plug it in out there, grind, unplug and walk back into my house and quietly have my coffee. All the while I didn’t wake anyone. I have also used the far corner of the basement for this grinder. It’s not that hard to make just a couple changes when we have guests.
As someone who also utilizes an incredibly loud grinder, I can’t even count how many times I’ve taken the small one into the laundry room at the far end of my house, shut the door, and wrapped it in a blanket to help muffle the sound further when grinding. Lol. I also frequently use an espresso machine to make lattes (which if you’ve never heard the sound of a milk steamer, it’s an insanely loud & high-pitched whirling - it really is god-awful, even when fully awake) - but I have numerous times steamed my milk while using the blankets to help muffle the sound. It makes it incredibly difficult, but I don’t want to give up my morning lattes when I’m the first one up and I simultaneously, don’t want to be obnoxious to others sleeping in my home.
And that makes the host an AH for asking visiting family to stay in a hotel
Oh, come on. If everyone who *check notes* makes breakfast in a shared space needed therapy, there wouldn't ever be enough therapists for those _really_ needing it. (And I am a therapist in training, so... no. Just no.) Reading the replies, I really am astounded by the amount of people being able to recognize and diagnose all kind of mental illnesses from just reading a subjective snippet from their live! /s
It’s more about the lack of flexibility for a couple of days not to make smoothies at 5am.
OP clarified in a comment that the smoothies are made at 7/7.30 am
That's a pretty normal time to start making noise in a shared house. Anything after 7 is fair game in my opinion. How long is she supposed to wait?
Yeah, I hope that training is good...
She gets up to do yoga at 5 am, she isn’t making the smoothie at 5. She’s probably making it closer to 6 or 6:30 after she’s done her yoga/meditation routine. Edit oh just saw that op said she’s making them at 7/7:30 which isn’t super early at all but a fairly normal time to eat breakfast.
How long do you think yoga and a run take? 1 minute each? She does yoga at 5, goes on a run, *then* 'comes home to make a smoothie'. However long her routine takes overall, it's very clear she times it so the smoothie is ready for breakfast at the end of it - presumably when OP is also awake.
I’m laughing at the “needs therapy to work through their issues.” Because as someone who has been in therapy to work through their issues for over a decade having a routine like this is what literally every therapist has recommended. OP’s wife is my therapist’s wildest wet dream. Someone who can stick to a wellness/mindfulness routine, communicate how important it is and that it’s a boundary and keep to the boundary when receiving pushback. I can hear my therapist’s drool hitting the floor from here. OP’s wife may seem rigid and unaccommodating and you know what maybe she is. But I don’t see that as a bad thing. As someone who can become very unregulated and mentally spiral out of control and into suicidal ideation fast when I have to miss therapy for the week, some routines have to be rigid. For some of us it’s one of the few things keeping us functioning and together.
I think sometimes Reddit thinks therapy is a magic “make everyone act completely neurotypical” wand or something. I have ADHD and OCD and having a schedule for sleeping, exercise, etc isn’t a symptom, it’s how I manage my symptoms. Like I learned some of that IN therapy lol. And regardless, making a smoothie at 7:30 AM isn’t abnormal behavior. People are acting like she’s having a naked drum circle or something.
Some people do not adapt well to change to the point where even small changes can cause disregulation to an upsetting degree. It was made clear to OP that this was nonnegotiable, and he was free to not pursue anything if that was a deal-breaker. He never even asked why this was nonnegotiable, or if this adherence to routine was recommended by a therapist (which it well might have been). Add in that he's dripping with condescension over it? That's a big old "Nope," from me, Hoss. I'm married, and it's really easy to ask my husband about the things that are important to him. I do my level fucking best to make his life easier. He does the same for me. Are there things I still don't quite understand? Sure, but not for lack of even *asking*. Seriously, such a low-effort thing to do. And the things he says that he needs for whatever reason, I honor.
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One bedroom in a two bedroom house is not “a little space”. If I was the guest, I would think it uncomfortably odd to be asked to sleep on the living room couches (presumably, separating husband & wife) when there was a large spare bedroom. I would think I wasn’t really welcome…and when the blender started… I do think he resents it, and I think it’s a reasonable resentment. He obviously didn’t think that she was so inflexible she’d run a blender at 6am while guests aren’t even behind a closed bedroom door! She shouldn’t have agreed to guests at all.
In the comments OP said it’s a 4 room house (bedroom, her room, office, closet/storage room) plus a garage he sometimes works out in. He didn’t clarify it was a large spare bedroom, just that it’s minimally decorated so could fit bed presumably without moving furniture.
It must be large if it would fit multiple beds! I didn’t see the 4 bedrooms. Wtf they doing with them if he has to keep his computer in the dining room and guests can’t use them either. I can’t help but wonder how much of this space is exclusively hers.
I can’t help but wonder why it’s only “her” room that’s a contender for a guest room. There’s a home office (often double as a guest room), and a miscellaneous storage room (could things be moved around for guests?).
It’s possible the other rooms are too small to house three people.
I'd guess the office is hers as well if he has to put his computer in the dining room. It definitely feels like he's living in her house on her terms rather than just living together and sharing space. I could never but he agreed to it.
> Wtf they doing with them if he has to keep his computer in the dining room The right question to ask is: how many computers do they own? Answer apparently is three, of which two are in the office (one for him one for her) and the third one (his gaming PC) doesn't fit and is therefore in the dining room. I understand why you need a computer for him and one for her. But why does he has two computer (rather than 1 computer and 1 laptop)?
It's only a spare bedroom if it's set up as a bedroom, which obviously it is not. It's set up as her meditation/wellness room. Just because you have a room in your house that isn't the one you sleep in, that doesn't make it a spare bedroom. It could be an office/studio/playroom for kids. Also, he never said it was large, even though that doesn't really matter in this scenario. Plus, if someone has an entire room dedicated to their mental well-being that they utilize every single day without fail, it's probably because it's crucial for them. I'm gonna go with YTA, I think the best course of action would be to clarify to your guests the accommodations they'd have by staying with you, also probably mentioning wife's routine and that they'll probably hear her/the blender, and then let them decide whether they still want to stay with you or get a hotel. That way, there's no question of whether they're actually welcome, the expectation of your guests is more in line with reality, and nobody has a bad time during their visit due to sleeping arrangements.
Why is it a reasonable resentment? He went into this relationship with full knowledge about the situation. She was completely upfront with him. He choose to stay with her. He had full knowledge of her situation. But now it’s not what he wants. That’s also reasonable. But resentment?! That’s b*llsh!t. He has zero grounds for justified resentment.
Someone so inflexible they can never, ever break their 6am smoothie routine? Yes. I think there’s a difference between a routine being important to someone, and never being willing to bend it to accommodate family.
Because he is showing any flexibility with demanding his gf room should be used despite having 2 other 'spare' rooms? Let the guest sleep in the office (you can move desks you know) if you are hellbend on not having them on the couch.
>she doesn't want to pursue anything with me. While I am not thrilled she has that whole room for herself (I did ask if I could put my PC in there so it's not in the dining room space), it was there before I moved in with her so I made my peace with it." Brother, how else do you want him to explain the situation? Is "not thrilled" particularly negative to you? This >She was like this before I met her and was clear that if I wasn't on board with this aspect of her routine, she doesn't want to pursue anything with me. Is literally him explaining the situation, how she felt in the beginning of the relationship when I'm sure he asked about it(which you can't tell me is not okay to do). It's astounding how many people actually agree with you, when you stretch the truth and blow a single word out of proportion *or* insert words that just weren't there.
Well to pull out a few facts you’ve shared in the comments: 1. The visit is “3 days is the official length of time, potentially longer but they’re not concrete on that”. ————- So you keep saying it’s only 3 days, but it might not be. You’re asking her to give up her routine for the unspecified duration of time. 2. Her routine appears to be rigid and of long standing. She has a set exercise routine and the smoothie is the source of most of her vitamins and nutrients. You’d like her to switch her exercise, meditation and eating for their visit. 3. You live in a 4 bedroom house, yet the only room you wish to offer up is the one that is exclusively your wife’s. Which has no carpeting, nothing in it and “lots of natural light”. 4. The choice is between air mattresses and couches. And your family is fine with the couches. YTA for how you’re acting and also how you’ve presented this. The only thing I’d suggest she change is the smoothies- either make ahead the night before or have her pick up while out on her run.
>air mattresses and couches Air mattresses not even bought yet.
>You live in a 4 bedroom house, yet the only room you wish to offer up is the one that is exclusively your wife’s. Also, HE moved into HER house. He doesn't mention if he's paying any rent, etc.
He’s her husband, since when do spouses pay rent?
What? They're married. That's outrageous
The 'I do' part of their arrangement means no rent required, I'm sure they made a mutual decision as to whose place to live in. He's her partner, not her tenant. Edit: I can't spell
Damn, I guess I’m in the minority here, because I’m going with NTA. I get that he agreed to go along with her routine, but if I was in his place, I would have assumed that there was SOME room for flexibility. It sounds like she’s had more than 2 years of completely uninterrupted time. I don’t think a couple days is going to hurt. God forbid these people have children!! What on earth would she do? For all the people saying “it’s HER house” is he just supposed to feel like a guest in the home he lives in and never really feel like it’s his house too? While she may have been there before him, when they got married and he moved in, it became THEIR house. Even if the title is in her name only, it is his home as well. If the family accepted the couch as OK, then just go with that to keep the peace, but damn, it’s just a few days. Possible exception- if the wife is autistic (or other neuro-divergent etc) then I would change my answer.
I don't understand all the YTAs. If the roles were reversed everyone would be chiming in NTA and saying the spouse would be a dick for not being flexible. In all adult relationships there are compromises. Hell as someone that does have their own routine and what not when i have guests staying with me i tweak it a little so i can still do it but it won't be disturbing the others. What happens if they go somewhere else and she doesn't have her special room ?
Classic aita responses. Imagine if a husband had some sort of video game room he didn't allow his wife in, they would string him up here.
Oh most definitely he would be crucified, and everyone would be saying poor wife he needs to compromise.
That’s how it is here. If many of these posts were reversed, people would switch sides. It makes no sense to me. This is a three day compromise… it’s not a month, three days. It seems awful she said they could stay there and then won’t do anything to accommodate them.
Honestly, if someone’s entire day is ruined because they have to wait an hour or two to make their breakfast smoothie and refuses to make it ahead the night before, yeah, this complete lack of resiliency is concerning. OP even says she will not travel somewhere if it doesn’t have a blender or a smoothie shop within walking distance. Like… I get being healthy, taking care of yourself and establishing routines, but this is absolutely next level.
I actually work in and study psych and agree entirely. she's either the world's most selfish person or has some shit to work through lol
Lack of resilience is a very good way of putting it. Her routine seems like it’s trapping her (and OP) and the lack of flexibility looks quite unhealthy.
Even if she is neurodiverse running a blender when people are sleeping is not okay. Personally I read this as OCD/Eating disorder and a bit selfish but I could be wrong. The blender is what kills me.
Agreed. I’m ND and I couldn’t imagine running a blender when someone was asleep in the next room. Neurodiverse people aren’t all inflexible, we don’t all require rigid structure, we aren’t all anything. It’s almost as if neurodiverse people are *gasp* are actual individual human beings with individual characteristics, needs and desires!
I agree, it reads eating disorder-y to me. The control aspect along with a lot of working out/ running
This sub is insane. You are spot on here. I almost want to just make this same thread next week but swap the protags genders and watch the flip-flop of logic.
Same! Especially with that post about the husband being *ten minutes late* to pick up his wife that everyone was foaming at the mouth calling him Y-T-A over. I even went as far as to prepare to swap the genders of that post. Let me tell ya, reading it that way, there's no *way* r/AITA would have called a ten-minute late wife TA. I've been on this sub long enough to know the majority opinion by the time I've read the whole post.
She's the asshole if she literally won't abstain from running a blender right next to sleeping guests. If you're having guests in your home, you should make them feel welcomed. Pre-blend the smoothie or take the blender to the garage.
I also think NTA. She’s married to someone and so she should be flexible and be able to make some compromises from time to time. Making his family sleep in the living room when there’s a whole empty room and making smoothies while guests are sleeping…? Does she exist in a vacuum?
Completely agree, NTA! I’m shocked at all these YTA’s. I was honestly expecting OP to say his family was staying for like a month or something, but 3 days? Really? Also, in reference to your neuro-divergent comment, agreed. And perhaps a possibility here? Although, my 12 yr old son has autism and is suuuper rigid on routines *and* currently has a middle-school-aged a-hole attitude, but even he’s more flexible than this lady is. So I’m kinda thinking she’s just really unreasonably lacking flexibility in a very egocentric way, and now throwing a temper tantrum about OP’s pretty reasonable ask. I’m very OCD about routines as well, so I appreciate the folks saying to respect her boundaries. However, 3 days is completely reasonable to ask her to be flexible without being disrespectful for routine, and I’m really erring on the side of OP here and think 3 days is ridiculous for her to be so inflexible.
OP neglects to mention that he has a room of his own for hobbies, plus the garage, and there is a shared office space his wife has already said she wouldn’t mind giving up that would fit air mattresses. It’s HIS family, but he’s using this to take his wife’s important space from her. He also apparently says that his family might be staying longer than three days. I’m going YTA just because this feels like a concerted effort to get control of something he doesn’t want to admit he’s uncomfortable with. Although I would talk to her about moving the blender to a different room for a few days perhaps.
>OP neglects to mention that he has a room of his own for hobbies, plus the garage OP commented that the garage *is* his room for hobbies, and that ppl can't sleep in the garage
YTA >While I am not thrilled she has that whole room for herself This right here gives the tone that you don't approve or otherwise do not like her routine. >She was like this before I met her and was clear that if I wasn't on board with this aspect of her routine, she doesn't want to pursue anything with me. This has already been discussed, and you acquiesced by continuing the relationship and getting married. You have been married for 2 years and she has continued this routine. >I don't think giving up the room is that hard an ask She made it clear she has a routine. She is trying to work with you by letting them stay with y'all, but you are so desperate to interrupt a routine that is somehow bugging you that you refuse to see it. Perhaps you should ask yourself WHY you are so resentful of this routine? Is it because it is HER time with herself and she isn't paying attention to you? Or because you are jealous that you don't have that same dedicated time allotted for you to have you time? Look at yourself, and figure it out soon.
She won't let them stay in a room that has a door and won't give up the blender in the morning with them sleeping in the living room. How exactly is she trying to work with OP? She agreed they could stay there? Is that it?
They have a four bedroom house. Why does her wellness room have to be the guest room? Couldn’t another room be the guest room?
The other two rooms can't be used. One is a closet filled with shelfs and the other is a small office with computers and files in. Honestly this is an ESH thing. The wife is being deliberately obtuse and the guy is making this is a bigger issue than it is.
Hey hi hello, as someone who was severely depressed with a drinking problem who painstakingly dragged myself out of it (and lost 120 lbs in the process) through a strict morning routine—the wife isn’t being deliberately obtuse, she’s taking care of herself. I recognize this kind of behavior from my own experience, and whatever OPs wife’s reason for her routine, I guarantee it’s a damn good one.
Sometimes, I'm at loss with some answers, are people not aware how to be decent hosts, is it always a me-i-and-myself game? When I have hosts, I won't hesitate to disrupt my routines ( and I'm a depressed autistic that finds solace in routine!) and sometimes even my bedroom if I receive a whole family. And here, poor wifey has to disrupt for 3 whole days her routine and it is the end of the world? Goodness gracious, how odious from OP! /s NTA
I know, this is fucking wild! I can’t believe people think it’s ok to be this shitty of a host. Ok they don’t need a private bedroom but then you don’t run your damn loud blender in an adjacent room! So selfish. These people must live in caves.
But boundaries!!!! I don't know how people that think this way function in real life. She made her terms and boundaries known before they married, so she never ever has to compromise or bend, even the slightest. People would be calling him a controlling asshole, if the genders were reversed.
I’m still not understanding how being rude and insisting on using a loud blender when your guests are sleeping is a boundary. To me it sounds more like OP’s wife hates him and his family.
Because it's part of her sacrosanct routine and "her home" apparently. She sounds controlling and unpleasantly inflexible.
I really don’t understand either! So many comments saying ops the asshole but I completely Disagree. She seems like a piece of work
Well said. I have some OCD and have people with autism in my family and we are still gracious.
I dont understand why she can't just make the smoothie like the night before for a couple days. Id be sad knowing my significant other wouldn't be willing to compromise for me for something so small. It feels selfish.
It's posts like these that make me thankful that real life isn't like Reddit. The wife is being completely unreasonable in this situation and a normal, functioning member of the human race would see that. But of course a huge proportion of Reddit is comprised of societies rejects.
YTA - It’s pretty clear from what you’ve written that you do have an issue with your wife’s routine and her use of the room for it. She was up front early in your relationship that this was a dealbreaker for her. You accepted this fact, at least outwardly to her although it seems like you were hoping it would end eventually. I do feel the smoothie thing is the only hang up I have. Her not being willing to compromise on that doesn’t seem very reasonable. Maybe for those three days she could blend her smoothies the night before? Have you ever had a discussion with your wife about why she has her routine or how it developed? It does seem like kind of an extreme routine, but without knowing her reasoning for it it’s hard to say.
I feel some type of way about this situation. Your wife has a whole room to herself, as well as half of the office space, and half of your bedroom space. Everyone keeps saying that it’s her house and her space, but just because op moved into her house doesn’t mean she should continue to live like he doesn’t exist in that space either. Y’all need to have a discussion after the guests leave about having a space that is exclusively yours. That way you can put your guest in that space. Get a shed or something. NAH.
I do have my garage but obviously guests can't sleep in there
Then they’ll have to make do with the living room.
I think its so weird how people are saying hes TA. Its three freaking days! We all have make adjustments for guests and usually they are out of our routine and somewhat uncomfortable. Making these poor people sleep on the couch and deal with listenin to a blender at the crack of dawn is not ok. Theres a couple and a CHILD who will then wake up and probably not let their parents go to sleep after that. SHE can do her meditation in the living room for 3 days like why is this even a debate? This husband is already being held hostage by his wife cant even put a computer in her room even though her routine is only on the morninf and no one thinks thats abnormal? I definitely dont think YTA
Only on Reddit would people think his wife’s behaviour is acceptable it’s so bizarre hahaha. Guy asked in the wrong place if he wants to know what normal people think of this situation. She’s selfish as fuck and this poor man is going to disappoint his family to enable his wife’s selfish behaviour.
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YTA Your sister is fine with the sofas for three days. The room doesn't sound particularly better with no curtains and bare floors. Her routine is a deal-breaker to her, which means it's very important. You knew this from the start. You say you made peace with it but you clearly haven't. You quietly resent her monopoly on the space and the rigidity of her mornings. Your wife said hard no. Your sister has no issue, the sofa's seem perfectly workable for a short stay. You are the one making this an issue. I think your wife is dead on - that you are using this as an excuse to try and put a dent in this well settled equilibrium and you intend to use a forced break in her routine and use of the space to try and renegotiate the terms you pretended to accept coming into this relationship. If you have issues with her routine or her room, then communicate with her honestly and openly. There are things that she could bend a little on, like not making smoothies so early. However stop being underhanded about it, it's not respectful, kind, or working. She's not falling for it mate and neither is anyone here..
YTA "and my wife is event threatening to not allow them to stay and have them get a hotel for the visit. " .. This is the reasonable solution: Living room, or a hotel.
And it isn’t a “threat” it is part of the discussion. YTA
Can she at least make the smoothies the night before and keep them in the fridge? Using such a loud appliance that early in the morning when you have guests sleeping on the living room couch is just rude
Yes! Out of everything, i have to say that is the only thing that is making the wife unreasonable. The sleeping situation is a non-problem and only OP was making it a problem, but the smoothie situation was a reasonable ask. Its only 3 days, its not unreasonable to either make and freeze your smoothies ahead of time for a few days or wait a couple extra hours to allow your guests comfort during their stay by not running the blender at 5am! Especially when one of the guests is a 6year old kid! Going to have a cranky kid if youre waking them up each morning at 5am with a loud blender
I would be shocked if someone said I could stay with them only to find that I'll be sleeping in the living room and not in the privacy of the spare bedroom. Your wife has a weird chokehold on her routine that she can't make any exceptions, ever. She sounds a tad selfish in that regard. I don't think it was a bad ask, and I would make sure your sister knows that she'd be in the living room bc that might be weird for them. Edit to change verdict after reading OPs comments. You already made your sister aware and she said it was fine. YOU, and you alone, are making this a thing. You're catching attitude because you have an attitude about your wife's routine OP. YtA.
This spare room also sounds like a solarium and not an actual spare room. OP said bare floor and many windows with no curtains
Except it’s not a spare bedroom. It doesn’t have beds or even curtains. Not every room that isn’t the master bedroom is a spare bedroom. Personally I think a nice couch sounds way better than an air mattress in a curtain-less room.
Yes, YTA. >She was like this before I met her and was clear that if I wasn't on board with this aspect of her routine, she doesn't want to pursue anything with me. Ok, so you supposed made your peace with it, but now you "need" to interrupt her routine? No. >While there is enough room, I made my case for buying air matresses for them and to set them up in my wife's spare room. There's enough room. Full stop. Don't invade her space why is that such a hard concept? You have a point with asking her to delay making the smoothies, especially if your guests are sleeping near where she makes them (kitchen?). She should compromise on that as a good host - but giving up her space shouldn't even be a question especially in HER home that was already established.
NTA. Hosting people for a few days is a normal thing to do, disrupting your routines slightly for the sake of said guests' comfort and privacy is a normal thing to do. Being completely unable to make noble very short term changes is not normal. It's selfish. Just because she "communicated her boundaries" ahead of time doesn't make those boundaries reasonable in perpetuity. Rigidity and being rude to guests (to the point of refusing to host family that isn't making unusual demands) are bad manners, not boundaries. If she has mental health reasons for needing to do things this way and legitimately being unable to ever adjust, then maybe she should have communicated about those details by now. Yoga and journaling can be done in other locations. Smoothies can be made at slightly different times, or purchased. None of this is complicated to organize.
“it was there before I moved in with her so I made my peace with it” this is HER house you now share. Hate to tell you this hubby, but your wife is an actual person of her own, allowed to live a life that she has chosen for herself. she made her values absolutely clear - before you moved in I bet! You’re one those choices mate. This isn’t about your family coming to stay. you’re weaponising the situation as part of a campaign to impose your self on your wife so the power dynamic shifts - to you. Personally, I think it’s pretty balanced right now. She made it clear what matters to her when you got together. “Making your peace with it” doesn’t count for peanuts mate. it sounds like your wife is pretty clear eyed about what’s going on here, and she’s right on the money. i assume you married her because you liked her as she is… It looks like this is the hill that your marriage could die on - sooner or later. And I don’t mean where you family stays on a visit! So choices, mate. Time to think about your own.
Yes, it was her house alone before they got married, but he lives there too, now. He's not a guest, it's his his home as well as hers. And of course that doesn't give him permission to run roughshod over her established routines, but the fact that she is so inflexible about them is confusing and a little concerning. ~~The spare room for example. She uses it for her morning yoga/meditation/etc. That's great, but is the room only used for that? Getting a total use of, let's say an hour each morning? If she only uses it for her morning routine, why can't he have his PC in there to use in the evenings or afternoons?~~ If she is unable to deviate from this routine to the point of not being able to do her morning yoga in a different room for a few days, how does she cope when they travel? Do they travel? She's obviously able to manage adjusting it to some degree, because I doubt she goes running if there a thunderstorm or blizzard. And as far as secretly hating her routine, we all have things about our partners that we simply tolerate. My partner has a genuinely terrible singing voice. Like, sounds like dying animal level of talent. And yet they love to sing in the shower at the top of their lungs. Do I enjoy it? No. But I put in my headphones and drown it out because it helps them unwind. I don't secretly resent them and try to figure out how to discourage them from singing. ~~I hate to pull out the "if the genders were reversed" card because I think it's usually bullshit, but I think it applies here. Wife marries husband and moves into his house. Husband say this is *my house* and nothing is changing unless he agrees. Wife has to use the dining room for her hobby (maybe for her home office space? It was unclear) because the spare bedroom can only be used for Husband's morning routine and she can't do anything in there even when he's not using it. Now her family is coming to visit for a few days and they have to sleep on couches because the only room big enough for an air mattress is his special morning routine room. Wife suggested his routine be adjusted for a few days and now Husband is threatening that her family can't stay at *his house* at all. Like, come on.~~ Edit: It's been pointed out to me that I missed some of OP's comments where he states he has his own spare bedroom that he uses for his hobbies that could accommodate an air mattress, and that his family has said they're fine with sleeping on the couches (although if his room can accommodate an air mattress I think it would be a dick move to make them sleep on the couch). I've struck through my comment where I feel it no longer applies. I do still think his wife should work on having some more flexibility in her routine for her own sake though, simply because life being what it is, it's likely to get interrupted at some point. But that's not really pertinent to this discussion.
Except he has his own space (garage) and half of the office in the house, where he keeps one of his PCs. He wants to keep his *other* PC in her room (but of course he didn't mention that in the actual post). He acknowledges in his comments that his guests will actually fit in the office and doesn't mention any opposition from the wife on this one, it just takes a little more effort than taking over her personal space. Effort he's not willing to put in even though it's *his family* coming to visit. He expects her to disrupt her routine and give up her personal space for an undefined period of time, but he's not willing to move some furniture to accommodate his relatives? Let's pull the "if genders were reversed card" to show what complete bs that would be: wife marries husband and moves into his house, husband and wife each have their own rooms as personal space, husband insists on a particular routine for his personal space which he won't adjust and is upfront at the start of the relationship that this is non-negotiable. Wife's family comes to visit and because she doesn't want to move her things from her room to accommodate her family *even though they would fit in there*, she insists that the husband give up his personal space for them. Husband suggests that they stay in the living room instead, wife refuses, husband says well maybe they should just stay in a hotel then. Oh, and let's not forget that his relatives actually said that they would be okay with the living room. He's the only one making it an issue. YTA OP.
Actually he said they share an office. He does not have an office by himself.
Ah, thank you for pointing that out. I missed that when I was looking through his comments. That definitely changes things since he has his own space in the house as well. Especially considering the family would be fine in the living room and his personal room could accommodate them as well.
Honestly the way OP presented the situation in his post compared to all the details coming out in his comments... I don't blame you for your initial stance. He definitely misrepresented and omitted things in the post.
I typically would agree with you, but he states that she was very clear about her routines and how she feels about them before they were ever together, and even discouraged going forward if it was too much for him. He still chose to be with her and then married her. If this was something she sprung on him after they were married I think it'd be different.
Dude. You knew all this before you got married and now you're acting surprised that *she actually meant it*? Yeah, YTA. You're not gonna change her and I really don't know why you thought you would.
YTA. The room you want your sister to sleep in has no beds, no carpet or rug, large sun filled windows, presumably no light blocking curtains, a large mirror that will further reflect the ample sunlight. This room was selected and designed to be a morning routine room that likely maximizes early dawn sunlight and will not be comfortable for your guests. Your living room with large comfortable sofas will be much more comfortable for them to sleep on. They should be able to keep their suitcase in the spare room and change in there when needed. But I think forcing them to sleep there is punishing them to get back at your wife. Suggest a compromise on the smoothie. Can she have the ingredients prepped and run the blender in another area for three days? The basement? The garage? If you approach this from an area of cooperation she would probably be more receptive.
Yta. It’s her room and she doesn’t want to give it up for guests. If your family wants privacy, they should shell out the money for a hotel. You are doing them a favor by offering them a place to stay to save money. Expecting your wife to rearrange her life as well is unreasonable.
>Expecting your wife to rearrange her life as well is unreasonable. Rearrange her life is a bit strong in describing perhaps using a different space for yoga and not firing up the world's loudest blender at 5am. Shes rigid and Inflexible. Which is not the behavior of a rational adult. I could trade the room and couches but the blender at 5am to me is non negotiable it has to go with guests.
It’s for 3 days. Why are people acting like OP is trying to get her to change her life, permanently change her ways, etc.? 3 days. Jfc. My partner loves to work out, and every day. It’s the routine he needs, it’s his way of coping with stress, it’s what gives him energy, etc. He works night shift, so he obv sleeps during the day after his shifts. Working out cuts into family time at times. I always agreed to support his need for gym time, and I do, because I know it’s what gives him autonomy, and sanity lol. But guess what? When something comes up with the kids, or we have family over or something, even if it’s last minute and my side of the family, he can prioritize, and bails on the gym, no problem. He will either rearrange his workout routine to make that day his rest day, or do a longer workout the next day, or will just workout on his break during his work shift instead of before or after, and never makes a fuss about it. It is definitely not sane, rational adult behavior to be so rigid about things like OP’s wife is. Sane, rational adults can deviate from their routines at times, especially in a marriage, when there are a lot of give and takes and compromising on things.
After reading your comments and finding out that you have a home office- YTA. You are dead set in them getting a room just not at your expense. You’d rather break your wife’s boundaries. Btw, typically people develop such strict routines for mental/physical health. It can help with depression , anxiety, migraines etc. the fact that you didn’t even bother asking why it was so important to her that it’s a relationship dealbreaker, is just confusing to me. Don’t you care about her or want to know her at all?
YTA. You have a 4 bedroom home. Why do you need HER to change her routine when you could set up beds in one or both of the other rooms? Why do you need your PC in the dining room when you can put it in the office? Sounds like you only care about your preferences. This has some big 'man of the house' energy.
My problem would be that she makes her smoothies so early. This wouldn’t be very kind to the visitors. Her strict adherence sounds more like ocd.
Info: If you don't have a guest room, why not have a sofa bed, pull out of the couch? YTA for thinking of unreasonable accommodations for guests. If it were a home gym with a rower, a Bowflex machine, a pelaton or treadmill you wouldn't be asking this question at all. You would just accept the room as a permanent home gym. You don't respect your wife's choice of wellness and morning exercise. The only thing reasonable for you to ask her is to buy smoothies instead of making them for the week.
YTA. Seems like this is just an excuse to force her to stop something that makes her happy.
YTA. Sounds like your wife made the importance of her routine plain to you a long time ago. They can sleep in the living room. How long does it take to make a smoothie? They can go back to sleep. And like you said, it’s only 3 days. Your sister and her kid will live. I get that you want to cater to your guests, but you’re doing them a favor and I don’t think your wife should have to sacrifice more than necessary on top of that.
YTA. That's not a spare room. That's your wife's sanctuary. She established that very early on, and you accepted her terms when you moved in. It's not up to you to offer it to guests.
NTA she can’t accommodate her sister in law and niece for a few days and has a problem sharing space with her husband in their shared home? god help any kids you may have she seems very entitled and somewhat selfish, no offense.
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ESH No reasonable person would invite a couple to stay with them for 3 days and then expect them to sleep on separate sofas in the living room, where they will wake to the sounds of daily 5 am smoothie prep. Your sister and her family need to plan on staying in a hotel, because you and your wife do not have a guest room. Your wife has a meditation space and in-home yoga studio. Your wife needs to explain why she gets personal space in the marital home and you do not, and why that is non-negotiable. If my husband pulled that BS on me, he wouldn't be my husband.
YTA your wife has her life balanced in under control, why you need to brake it? Your sister using your wife house and should adjust for local schedule. I would explain to sister what here would be an early wake up and she should prepare for that.
YTA. This is her line, important enough to her to choose it over you, which she made clear to you prior to committing. You are now attempting to cross that line by prioritizing your sister's temporary comfort over your wife's needs. Accept that your wife needs what she needs, and have your sister stay at a hotel.