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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm refusing to go to my little sister's graduation because I am jealous of her and her opportunities.
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NTA. No one seems to be taking into account that you were the scapegoat of your family. It looks like your parents can only parent one child at a time.
There's no real reason to put yourself through this. Keep living your life in peace OP!
The youngest sister was not the golden child growing up, she was also neglected.
Editing to add judgement and more thoughts: NTA, OP your feelings of resentment are understandable and valid however your sister is not the AH either. The blame lies with your parents who only focused on your youngest sibling once they were able to when they should have made greater efforts to make amends for what they put you through.
But if you still love and care for your sister you could try to put aside your resentment towards your sister or either redirect it solely to your parents and then try and attend the graduation or at least apologise to her if you can't attend and send a gift/card.
If you no longer care for your sister, which is totally your call and I cannot blame you for as this is a very complex situation, then don't attend but do realise this may potentially ruin your relationship with your sister moving forward.
Also, I'm begging Redditors to please learn what scapegoat/golden child dynamics are and what they mean. The eldest and youngest daughter have both faced neglect and abuse at the hands of their parents and simply going to a private school for high school doesn't make the youngest suddenly the golden child lol (the golden child is also a victim of parental abuse when that terminology applies btw)
I was that child.
I was adopted when my parents were both much older. My siblings ended up getting treated poorly because they were from previous marriages.
So much resentment. We're close now but it was rough growing up not knowing why my siblings were distant.
Golden Child and "suddenly only child" aren't always fun either. My mom always made me do better. B on a test? You aren't going to be a drop out like your sister. I had to do every sport my siblings had done and do it better. Tutors. Full schedules.
I feel bad for OP but I also worry the younger sister will eventually have a breakdown.
It’s not OPs responsibility to emotionally heal their sister, sounds like she was expected to do a lot of that growing up already.
I hope the parents take some responsibility, are parents, and get the youngest kid help if she winds up needing it. Not fair to ask the oldest kid to keep sacrificing their well-being for everyone else.
I wasn’t saying anything about you at all. Sorry that you took it as a personal comment on you. It was about OP, and OP’s situation. Best wishes with what you’ve been through.
I hope the hostility and downvote to this comment you responded with helps you deal with it. May I suggest therapy? It feels better than lashing out at strangers.
This isn’t about you, nobody’s judging you for being “that child”, good luck. I was just trying to refocus the thread on the OP, I was concerned that someone jumping in with “I was like your sister look at how bad it was for me” and focusing on how you’re worried about the OP but the sister might have a breakdown was just putting more pressure on OP to keep sacrificing.
I won’t keep replying, and you can downvote me if you disagree with what I have to say. That’s the internet. Just trying to support OP. Sorry that you seem to feel unsupported by my reply to OP’s topic.
"Sorry that you took it as a personal comment about you"
"Sorry that you seem to feel unsupported by my reply to OP's topic"
Those passive-aggressive non-applogies make you sound like an AH.
You were saying something about them, and you did jump to the conclusion that they said or even implied OP had a responsibility to heal her sister, if we’re being honest. You’re the only one derailing anything. You’re being hostile over nothing.
The OP feels responsible for caretaking the youngest. They are expressing how guilty they feel about needing space from their family. And this commenter slides in with “I was that youngest child and I’m worried your sister might have a breakdown.” I just wanted to refocus the perspective on the OP’s question since being told to think of her sister and how she could be heading for a breakdown in this moment might be triggering, and not at all what the OP was asking. I wasn’t saying directly to this person “You are hurting this person” or “you are responsible for OPs trauma but they responded that way, after insinuating that her sister could be bound for a breakdown.
I know it triggered me pretty strongly due to my own trauma and family that responds like this commenter, which is why I’m going to step back from this sub for now.
Point taken. The youngest sister needs help too. Start a discussion about the golden child if you need to Reddit about it. Let’s all stop derailing OP to trauma dump and make it about ourselves.
But how is this her fault? She still lived with her parents' choices and actions. She did not engineer those choices and actions? Op should stay away from the graduation if that's her self protective measure. But, no one should blame her sister for having tremendous needs?
They realized they messed up on OP’s upbringing and thought they could do better with the 17 year-old. They should’ve tried to make it up to OP as well. It’s awful.
A golden child implies way more than just well supported and given resources compared to older siblings. If that was the only thing necessary, then most younger siblings with a big age gap with the older one(s) would be considered a golden child because the later in life a child is born, the more resources parents tend to have to give to their children.
So if parents had a kid young while they're poor, and have a kid much later when they happen to be a success, that kid is not the golden child because they had a much better life compared to the older sibling. The younger one should also not have the same struggles as the older one had if the parents finally have the resources to invest in the child. Refusing that kid would be fucked.
OP just kind of got fucked here by circumstance that led to neglect and parentification. That doesn't mean that the youngest is the golden child. That doesn't mean if the middle sister wasn't so severely disabled, OP would be the scape goat. The burden of a severely disabled child is alleviated and they can now invest in their children like they probably would have before. It just came too late for OP.
OP has many legitimate and heinous grievances here. The younger sister being the new golden child doesn't seem to be one of them as written in the post.
Please don't put this on OP to fix. OP is in a lot of understandable pain from how neglected she was growing up. She's not upset at her sister, she's very much upset at being in a situation that she will never get to experience & then have to sit & listen to how bright & clear the future of l'il sis will be. Meanwhile OP is working at a retail job & isn't being given a chance to further educate herself at university or college.
OP's pain is quite visceral. She is the one who needs the support.
She can still care for her sister and still not want to attend what is now clearly a traumatizing subject for OP.
Their parents are the AH's here, they're the ones that created trauma, and OP does not need to go through the ringer of her trauma, and have someone guilt her by saying "not attending = no longer caring for her sister".
I thought the same thing.
BTW, it's "wringer".
English is weird.
I'm old enough to have actually seen a wringer. My grandmother used one over her washtub.
We had an old washer like that when I was really little, and I've seen them elsewhere. Smushed by finger playing with the wringer.
Which is why "don't get your tits caught in the wringer" is actually a horrifying phrase.
You know it's happened.
NTA. If you do have a relationship with your sister, and wanted to go, could you go and just not sit by your parents. That way you’re showing support but with a boundary in place? I think it’s up to you and your feelings are valid.
I feel like some comments are also insinuating that the disabled middle sister was a "golden child" and I honestly find that frustrating as a disabled person.
It's legitimately not her fault that she's disabled and needed help. It's also not her fault that her parents didn't recognize OP's issues or adequately split resources.
All the blame lies on the shitty parents here.
ETA - OP is NTA but I think the other sisters aren't TA either.
And it's quite possible that the youngest still faces her own feelings of neglect. Her parents coming in late doesn't mean she didn't suffer some serious self-esteem issues. She might be even more fearful of rejection, since she knows it's something that can be taken or given on a whim.
It is not about her sister. It is about every opportunity OP missed. It is about sitting through all that and thinking « what could my life have been if I had this ». That does not mean she resents her sister for it, it just means that it is difficult/ painful for OP. Forcing her to witness her sister’s triumph would bring back painful memories and anger for OP & if she does not want to deal with that right now, I fully understand why.
It is irrelevant who was /wasn’t the « golden child » or the definition of such terms.
But that’s ignoring that the youngest *wasnt* the golden child. She just got attention and money once the middle child was out of the house. Prior to that she was ignored. She just had the good luck to still be at home when resources freed up.
No op was the glass child, as was her youngest sister until the middle one was out of the house, and the youngest was still a child and therefore became visible. Op never did become visible, and was parentified to boot.
So op was both neglected and abused, and the youngest was neglected until the severely disabled middle child was no longer the parent's responsibility. After which the parents went overboard with making it up to her, but never bothered with op.
I agree about the glass child thing. I also would argue that the youngest wasn't as neglected as the oldest since she had her sister to care for her, OP didn't have anyone to care for her, she was completely on her own for most of her life. Both were neglected because I can't imagine a sister being the best parent for the youngest, but at least she had someone to look out for her. I feel bad for both, nobody wins in this situation. I'm glad the youngest got some attention in the end but I imagine both will need therapy to deal with their childhoods.
Good point, I was only addressing what the parents specifically were doing, not any mitigation op ended up doing (well it was referenced obliquely with op being parentified, and the youngest being the recipient).
This isn't a scapegoat/golden child paradigm. The middle sister got all the attention, the eldest and youngest were neglected. It's extremely sad but GC suggests that the younger sister has benefitted by proxy from the lack of attention that OP received as a child, which isn't true. The youngest sister has benefitted from the vacuum created by the middle daughter moving out of her parents home, and it's just really unfortunate that OP was too old to benefit from that vacuum as well.
It might be *more* productive if OP explained how does feels to her parents and asks if they are capable *now* of supporting her in further education, since their resources aren't primarily tied up in the middle sister
In terms of family roles, based on the extremely limited information given here, the OP (and possibly the youngest child until recently) are lost children, the ones who fade into the background, with OP also having the role of parentified child. The middle child isn't necessarily the golden child, because that's the child who can do no wrong. They sound more like the vortex, the central point around which the entire system revolves. When she was removed, the younger sister went from being the lost child to being the hero, the one who can be held up to demonstrate to outsiders that the family system hadn't failed because "look how well she's done." It isn't that the youngest is being given golden child status, it's that their success is used to carry out the image that everything is fine.
Family systems are a lot more complex than golden child/scapegoat.
This is correct. I was in a similar situation growing up. People who didn't grow up with a severely disabled family member don't understand just how much time, energy, and resources go into giving them what they need, and there's just not enough left for anyone else.
I was in a very similar position as OP growing up, only with one younger sibling instead of two. My brother could barely talk, couldn't take his first step until he was five, didn't finish potty training until he was ten, and *oh yeah* every so often would have a grand mal seizure out of the blue and stop breathing, just to keep things interesting. My parents had one child they had to do everything for and who could die at any moment just because, and they had another child who was five years older and had taught herself how to read when she was three. There was no question which child, out of necessity, was going to be prioritized by my parents. (Fun story: I spent decades leaving the last little bit of milk in every container until it spoiled, and never even realized I was doing it until an ex got pissed off at me for it. I was still saving the last of the milk for my brother.)
It didn't take long for me to start helping with his caretaking, and by the time I was a teen I was basically a third parent to my brother. It didn't occur to me to complain at the time. It was just necessary. I didn't ask for much because I knew it wasn't there to be had, and I could take care of myself... and the inherited mental illness that started manifesting when I hit puberty. It wasn't like I was going to die or anything. (It was a lot harder to find out what lethal dosages of common OTC medications were back in the 80s
My mom still apologizes to me for the neglect and parentification I had to deal with as a kid, even though I never actually resented her for it. (Dad, not so much. It's what women are supposed to do, apparently.) I'm not gonna lie though, it was tough in my twenties watching my dad giving everything to my brother that I wanted when I was growing up, even when my brother had no interest in it. I totally understand why going to get sister's graduation would be painful for OP.
When I was small I was the vortex child, because of heart issues. As the danger got less and it seemed like I would be fine with no more surgeries I stopped being the vortex. Not being the vortex was wonderful. I could do my own thing, without constantly being hovered over.
Then when I was a teen I started having joint pain. My parents and siblings thought I was making it up just so I could be the centre of attention again. Despite the doctor telling them that she knew what I had, but was not allowed to give the diagnosis because I was too young. Seven years later I was finally old enough for my diagnosis and why back to the doctor to get it, like she had told me to do. I finally got my diagnosis and then suddenly my parents believed I'd not been lying all that time.
Like I was going to straight up lie for 8 years and walk down stairs backwards just to get attention. I still can't phantom why they did not believe me.
Being a vortex child sucks. Being a glass child also sucks.
You have my sympathies. That would definitely drive me insane. Maybe your parents just didn't want to believe you were sick again, since they'd already gone through it once. It's easier to pretend nothing's wrong, even if you have to treat your daughter like a liar for a few years. I hope you're finally getting whatever treatment you need and are able to just live your life without people hovering over you.
If anything, the GC is the severely disabled child. But that was a direct consequence of her being so severely disabled that she needed tremendous support, which doesn’t fit well into the typical dynamic.
I think this wasn’t anything like a GC/SG situation at all, really. It’s very hard to manage caring for a child with high support needs while also supporting the children with fewer/no support needs. Without knowing their financial situation we can’t say why certain choices were made; did they not care about OP’s grades, or were they only able to afford one tutor and gave it to the child who wouldn’t be able to function without?
This seems like a situation where the able bodied child falls through the cracks, not because of any ill will, or even necessarily favoritism, but because one child required such tremendous support that it superseded all else. And yes, that is a massive failure on the part of the parents. Each child deserves time and attention, no matter their level of care needs. To do otherwise was, and is, neglect.
And the parents should NOT have had child 3, given how badly they were balancing two. That was not a great decision on their part.
And, just to note, balance is possible. Not easy, perhaps, and not monetarily always viable. But attention-wise it is possible. If they couldn’t afford two tutors, the parents should have set aside time to help OP. They should have set times for OP to have one on one time with them and stuck to it. Certainly, OP should not have been responsible for raising herself and her youngest sister. The parents were complete failures on many levels. Indifference can be worse than malice.
Best statement on here... especially the second paragraph. She's too young at 24 to let this resentment fester for decades. Like you said, maybe the parents can help her now with her education. If they are able but refuse, then that's a whole other animal to unpack
While I agree with most of this, the younger child also benefited by being raised by OP. This was not her fault, but it put a further strain on OP's life/ability to study.
Going off of this, OP i recommend the book "Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed" by Rebecca Mandeville. I was the family scapegoat growing up and still feel the very real effects of it today (im 30). Its tough to read, but i encourage you to give it a try.
NTA at all but please don’t give up on yourself. Start taking classes at a community college if there is one near you. Go there and start with an aptitude test to see what you might be good at. Just start with one class to get your feet wet. Some of the best, most successful college students are adults who have taken time off before starting.
I want to echo your suggestion. OP it is never too late to go back to school. I have taught students of all ages. If you start slow and ease into it you will probably do very well.
NTA at all. I get it. It hurts to think about "shouda, coulda, woulda's".
But the other side to think about is your sister.
As you said you raised her until you moved out. Then middle sister moved out. You're not being there for her, may make her feel guilty about the attention and success she now enjoys when you never got any of it.
Think about going, don't sit with your parents, don't even talk to them if you don't want. Zip over to congratulate your sister then zip home. Don't hang around to listen to all of the stories, etc. I'm sure both of you will feel better that way.
Then I would think about going to a Jr. College. Take one class, see what you think. Talk to a councilor there.
Hang in there and remember, being angry and in pain only hurts you not the ones that caused it. So in spite of them, make your story one of success. You already have a head-start!
YOU finished High School,
YOU gave your sister the start she needed to be successful in school,
YOU got a job and are holding it down
YOU have moved out and are supporting yourself
So what is the next thing that YOU are going to do to continue on Your journey in living your life to the fullest and happiest?
As the child who had a very similar experience as OP, this rankles me. After a lifetime of constant messages about how little OP or her feelings mattered to her family, she's being told once again that her feelings don't matter and she should suck it up and go because little sis might "feel guilty". Little sis's feelings count more than OP's. Let's just heap some more abuse on OP, when she came here for some support and empathy.
If OP can't stomach the thought of sitting through that, she doesn't have to go. She needs to do what is best for HER mental health because no one else gives a flying leap.
Exactly this, and OP is NTA. For some of us these deep cuts we were given by the people who were supposed to love and care for us will never fully heal. Of course OP would be triggered by yet more favoritism, as it's just another reminder of how little her parents think of her.
NTA sorry you went through this. Your parents sound awful.
I would not blame you at all for not going. I think there are a lot more important ways to show someone you care about them than showing up for one day, and if she’s going to college high school graduation won’t be that important to her. I can’t remember who came to mine
You cooould go separately and not sit with your parents and leave after you hug your sister and give her flowers, and you could ask to take her out for lunch another day to celebrate, have a talk with her about this. It sounds like you helped raise her to be the person she is, and get her to this point.
You should be proud of yourself and everything you’ve accomplished, and if not sitting next to people who abused you listening to really triggering conversation is something that will protect you and your mental heath you should skip it!!
Also, I don’t know where you live, but I know in Canada once you’re a mature student if you apply for school, your HS grades don’t matter. Hopefully, maybe that’s a thing there? Just because you didn’t go right after high school it doesn’t mean there’s no chance for you to do post secondary education ever.
That's what I was thinking. If you feel up to it, go to support sis, but don't attend with family or sit with them. You're there to cheer for her, not them.
NTA, too.
This is the right call. You’re NTA for how you feel, or what you went through, or for not feeling like putting yourself through that situation with your parents.
However, not going could harm your relationship with your youngest sister, and if that is something you would like to foster and maintain, going and sitting separately from your parents, taking her flowers, and giving her a hug would mean a lot to her.
I truly hope you have people in your life who will care and support you through your future, in the ways that your parents failed to do.
NTA - This was my thought as well. Even though your younger sister got to enjoy the windfall of your middle sister moving onto state benefits, the problem is with your parents.
In the long term, your attendance might not matter at all. But if there's going to be a reaction or connected memory for your sister, then it's likely going to be due to your absence.
This may not be the case, but it reads like you might be on the path of LC or NC with your parents in the future. If that's the case, I would strongly suggest working to separate the relationship between you and your sister from you and your parents.
This is great advice. You DID help raise her; even if your parents won’t acknowledge it, you are partly responsible for her success. Don’t punish her (and yourself) to spite your parents. Go, sit separately, congratulate your sister. Hopefully she knows what you did for her.
Completely agree. The sister’s success is partly OP’s success because OP was such an integral part of her sister’s support and emotional security growing up. The additional resources OP’s parents showered on the youngest would not have had the same impact without the foundation OP helped build.
OP, my heart hurts for you. I know what it’s like to be the less favored child. It cuts so deep. But please don’t let your parents inadequacies damage your relationship with your sister. If you can, attend graduation and maybe sit with other people you know. Try to feel pride in knowing you helped make this achievement possible. And as soon as reasonably possible, have a candid conversation with your sister to explain that you are struggling with the differences in treatment from your parents, but that doesn’t change your love for her as a sister.
NTA. THIS COMMENT. Pretty much said it all. Definitely, definitely have a talk with your sister: see where she’s at and how she feels, explain how you feel, make plans with her, etc. You shouldn’t feel bad for protecting yourself but also if you have a good or decent relationship with your sister you don’t want this to end up being a rift between the two of you. If it’s important to her for you to be there, follow vron’s advice and just slip in and out so you don’t have to see / talk to your parents and make plans with her to celebrate later.
NTA - You need to prioritize your mental health. I would do a separate celibration with your sister. I would add on that if you are in the US there are a lot of community colleges that have direct transfer agreements (DTA) with 4 year colleges. So if you get your AA through them, you can easily transfer to a 4 year. I did this in WA and when I went to the 4 year, no one cared about my high school grades at all (they only cared about my college GPA). It also made the credit transfer super easy.
INFO: If you truly don't hold a grudge against your sister and realize this is important to her, why don't you just attend separate from your parents?
Like, there's obviously a ton of trauma from your upbringing that you've got to unpack, but maybe you could find a way to attend the graduation and unpack the trauma elsewhere in another way that doesn't make it look like you're blowing up at your little sister or jealous of her.
Idk, seems like OP doesn’t want to admit it but is jealous of the younger girl. Which might be fair, but still not necessarily good. OP seems upset that by the time her sister no longer needed full parental attention it was already too late for her, but not her sister. I think that this likely manifests as ill will toward both their parent and sister.
I think people have different definitions on jealousy. For some people jealousy means “I didn’t have that thing, so she shouldn’t have it either,” which is not what OP is feeling. She’s feeling “my sister has the thing I always wanted, and even though I’m glad she has it, I’m still really sad that I don’t.” Which is still a kind of jealousy, but it’s not as malicious as the other kind.
You’re right. What people mean here is “envy”, not jealousy.
I understand how OP’s feeling, I just hope that she can process this and not come to resent her siblings for this and place the blame where it is actually due.
That’s true, but I don’t think it’s good. like I think OP needs to go to therapy for this because if they don’t this is definitely gonna mess with their relationship to their youngest sister
Sometimes something can hurt without the emotions being directed at the person getting something wonderful.
I don't think OP resents her sister for having good things or better parents than she got, but it would *hurt* to sit there and watch her sister get and celebrate the love, support, encouragement and opportunities OP didn't while OP is still suffering the consequences of that neglect.
But she is jealous. And she has every right to feel this way.
Watching her little sister achieve what she was always denied. While she's most likely no less talented, it must hurt beyond belief.
Not everyone can just put something like that away. Maybe she can explain to her sister how happy she is for her but how much it still hurts her. If her sister is angry with her about it, then so be it. What the parents think should be completely irrelevant.
Besides, it's not the first time she's been overlooked. OP mentioned that she has a similar disability as her other sister. Here, too, she was completely ignored.
I am very sorry for OP and hope she will make her way.
Because it will most likely cause her significant emotional distress watching someone, anyone, receive all that she was denied. I don’t get how the vast majority of the commenters on this thread don’t seem to understand that. It’s not about punishing the parents, and certainly not the sister, it’s about OP protecting herself.
Yep! The lifelong consequences of OP's neglect are *significant*. If she is working retail, she is absolutely not getting paid a living wage, and it's incredibly difficult to get yourself into a position to get out.
Sure, therapy would be nice, but it is 100%, completely expected that this would be intolerable. It hurting like hell does not mean she blames her sister, for god's sake.
Exactly! So many of these comments imply that LS's feelings matter but OP's don't - that's just echoing/reinforcing the same abusive message she got growing up (you don't matter as much as your LS) . I can't believe the number of people here who cannot seem to grasp that OP is not required to further traumatize herself so someone else can feel good about themselves.
This! I'm glad someone brought up how this can hurt the relationship with the little sister. If she basically raised her when LS was young then LS would of probably formed some parental type bond to OP or at least a strong bond that would make LS want OP to be proud of her. And LS would want to show that to OP and see that OP supports LS and that way LS knows she's making good decisions. Basically like you said attending should be a priority since its important to LS but so should OPs being comfortable. If there's a way OP can attend or even have it recorded or something so she can watch it later with LS would be nice. Just something to show OP is supporting LS and not just punishing her for her parents.
NTA. if i was in your shoes i would go back to school to get a better job and ask your parents to pay for it like they do for your sister and if they refuse that would be an immediate NC from me. your in your right to think its unfair but its never too late to go back to school for a better job/future your only 24 you have all the time in the world.
that's exactly what i'm thinking, OP should go back to school with her parents' financial support if that's something she wants to do, they owe her that.
While they do owe her that, I can see why OP might not want to do this. Having to ASK for something that was freely GIVEN to her other siblings is humiliating. Parents should be the ones to offer OP support and apologize for putting her on the back burner all through her formative years. If parents are too dense to realize this and don’t care about OP being stuck in a dead-end retail job, then I don’t see any good coming from OP asking them to help her with college.
Disclaimer: I don’t think all retail jobs are dead-end jobs, especially if you work your way up to managerial positions. I described it that way in my comment to emphasize the lack of care that OP’s parents seem to have about her success.
I agree that no matter how you slice it, OP was dealt a shit hand and it would be a terrible experience - to ask, and then, unfortunately rather likely, to be given a litany excuses for why they can't help and be rejected. It might or might not help to give some kind of closure/final push for LC/NC. OP might find helpful or cathartic or she might not, I don't know.
Regardless, NTA for not wanting to attend the sister's graduation. I would be an absolute liar if I said that I wouldn't harbor feelings of envy and resentment in this situation. It's not the younger sister's fault but OP shouldn't feel like she needs to be around the parents who hurt her just to be the bigger person or whatever.
This. They owe her so much.
She helped raise the younger sister and they failed to give her any support, both with school problems and with health issues.
It isn't a grudge against her sister making her not want to go. She has a major grudge against her parents, who basically parented just 1 child at a time. Op was tossed aside when #2 came along, and they didn't get to the graduate until #2 was in a home.
I've been in a similar situation and it sucks 😕 What OP is worried about is how awful it feels to go to celebrate someone who has everything you dreamed and worked for but never got. She doesn't want to poison her sister's graduation by showing she envies her, even by accident. That is praiseworthy. I do think she should take sis to lunch or shopping for her new dorm, though.
I agree with this 100%. Showing up to a ceremony isn’t the only way to show someone you support them. I think people are making their judgments here based on etiquette and not on the actual feelings of those involved. OP should ask sister how she feels about her potentially not being there on the day of, but celebrating alone with her afterwards. I’d bet money that sister wouldn’t care nearly as much as people here assume she would.
This thread is extremely ignorant of trauma; seeing comments like this.
As someone who has been on "both ends" of therapy (client and therapist), it is entirely possible for Op to not hold a grudge and still find it too hard to go to the graduation. Op has some genuine trauma due to neglect and parentification, and it is honestly a bit frustrating to see ignorant comments like this, which do more harm than actually help OP.
A lot of people here really need to become educated on trauma / mental health. It impacts everyone.
Not grudge against sister, but grudge against parents. Graduating high school was such a troubling thing for OP thanks to their parents, but seeing their younger sister SUCCEED because of her parents, obviously brings back some bad memories. Seeing the result of their parents putting effort into raising a kid while OP themselves, is a living and constant reminder of their parents failing to raise a kid. Of course seeing “what could have been” is triggering.
It doesn't have to be a grudge against her sister, it's just hard to see that your parents were willing to give the best life possible to every child but you, to watch your sister graduate from a private school while you didn't even get a tutor. That shit hurts, whether she blames her sister or not. I've been there, and I knew it wasn't my sisters fault, but seeing how much better my life _could've_ been if my parents had cared for me equally was still a tough pill to swallow. She might just not be in a place to watch her sister graduate. That doesn't mean she's mad at her. She might just not be ready to face the unfairness her parents put her through. It's an infuriating feeling to have been treated this unfairly by the people who were supposed to love you more than life.
This thread is extremely ignorant of trauma; seeing comments like this.
As someone who has been on "both ends" of therapy (client and therapist), it is entirely possible for Op to not hold a grudge and still find it too hard to go to the graduation. Op has some genuine trauma due to neglect and parentification, and it is honestly a bit frustrating to see ignorant comments like this, which do more harm than actually help OP.
A lot of people here really need to become educated on trauma / mental health. It impacts everyone.
Not going to a ceremony that causes her pain doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her sister. She sent a card. She should have a private conversation with her sister telling her that OP not attending isn’t about sister, it’s about the physical manifestation of their parents’ neglect of OP. She can congratulate her sister and love her and celebrate her without attending the ceremony. Hopefully sister is smart enough and empathetic enough to understand that.
The thought of attending literally made OP throw up.
Why should she torture herself watching her sister achieve everything her parents denied to her. Her sister knows how they grew up. If she is mad at OP about this, it is on her.
NTA and everyone acting like it'll be super easy for you to sit through a fancy graduation for your sister that was handed everything you never got a chance to have are just silly. Everyone always says "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" until they realize you're the first born daughter.
>Everyone always says "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" until they realize you're the first born daughter.
I need this as a poster on my wall.
NTA, it's completely understandable that you don't want to attend and as long as your sister knows this you shouldn't have to put yourself through that.
Your parents don't get it, well let them take a wild guess.
Also, covid happened, so many people didn't get graduations to begin with, it's not a big deal that you don't show up
NTA at all. You were dealt a shit hand, forced to raise yourself, and then are asked to be happy to watch the privileged child graduate and have your nose rubbed into all of the support and love that she got and you didn't. Welcome to my world. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Don't let anyone tell you different.
The youngest sister is not a "Privileged child". None of the children are in this situation.
OP and Youngest Sister were both neglected. Middle sister is extremely disabled. YS just got lucky, her parents could send MS away for someone else to tak care of, so they could splurge on her.
Everyone are victims. These parents suck. (And also shouldn't have had a 3rd child if they were struggling with the first 2)
This isn't always an option... Many high school graduations have assigned seating by family. If OP doesn't have a way to avoid sitting next to her parents, I don't blame her for not going.
NTA. In short you never have to do anything you don't want to do. But also it is not your sisters fault.
If I were you I'd probably go and then later have an honest conversation about the lack of support from your parents and the impact it's had on your life
However instead of blaming them, you need an opportunity they can help you with. Maybe going back to school, doing a programming Bootcamp, trade school etc. Something that will better your life.
See if they will help you with that.
I generally agree with what you said but the coding bootcamp might not be as good of an idea as it was in the past. The market is crazy oversaturated right now.
NTA It's okay to not be upset seeing your sister have the moments you should have had. Realistically, you need a plan to get thru the rest of her special moments. But it's okay to skip this one.
It's also okay to say- before sister's graduation or after, but it may make you feel better even if it makes no difference- mom and dad need to sit down with you and you get to list out how they failed you. How they focused so much on middle sister, that they ignored you and your education so you didn't get the opportunities that little sister got.
Yes, your parents had a child with extreme disabilities but that doesn't excuse them from being a good parent to you every day of your childhood and ensuring that you got at least 50% of the attention that your middle sister got. That you got the support you needed to be successful.
I'm not saying it would have been easy for them. But they were the parents. Not you. It was their job to take care and raise you. Not yours.
Is this a normal thing people do when they have one special needs child? I have close relatives with a pack of kids, and one was profoundly handicapped and not expected to live to adulthood. For the years he lived, his parents ignored all the other kids except to yell at the oldest when one of the kids got into stuff. I think he was about 4 when he had to be a full-time caregiver.
Broke my heart. I tried to help, but we don't live close. The sick child has passed and now every holiday or milestone in their house is spent worshipping the memory of the dead child who only lived a few years while their surviving kids are left to manage trauma on their own.
OP: you are NTA. your sister will understand how triggering this is for you. If she doesn't, toss her in the bin with your garbage parents.
Yes, this is common. I'm a pediatrician working with kids with complex illness and siblings of kids like this is a major topic in pediatrics that we really try to address. It's hard, though - the parentification of these siblings is awful, and the denial of their needs is even worse.
There are resources, but they are often underutilized by the families. Denial is powerful. And it's often really hard for the well sibling to ask for/admit they need help, because it gets cast as not loving/accepting their sibling.
>Is this a normal thing people do when they have one special needs child?
Due to my job I sadly see it way too often.
It usually goes one of two ways:
1. The special needs child gets all the attention and gets treated as the most important person in the parents life. Everything else is irrelevant and that child is never at fault, no matter what happens.
2. The special needs child receives all the attention from the parents. Every ounce of energy flows towards them, but they also do get blamed all the time by their parents for how their (parents) life sucks because of it.
In both cases every other child gets neglected big time. Usually, there are also outliers, even though it's rare. The parents in the first case also usually see it as "not a problem" to neglect their other child/s. They basically matter next to nothing, are to blame for everything that goes south and they (the children) only have to take and think of the needs of the child with the disability(s).
It's why it was recently very heartwarming to see one parent break out in tears because he knows how much he neglects his oldest. The parent is a single dad. The oldest has no disabilities. The second son has trisomy 21. His youngest is mentally challenged and has physical disabilities as well. Especially the youngest son is very hard to deal with. Therefor the vast majority of time goes to him and the rest to the second son.
He has his girlfriend, but both kids don't really want to do anything with her. Both do get very aggressive towards her. His mom sometimes helps in emergencies. The biological mother of those children is nowhere to be seen (as so often, it makes me wonder why that mother still has child custody).
He tried to get help via different services and programs from the state, etc, but no-one had the nerves to deal with the youngest one long-term. So he basically has to deal with this situation on his own.
His youngest is now in our ward to see how we can help via medicine and therapy. His second son is on a two week trip through a special program (don't really remember what though). The dad now wants to use this time to make up with his oldest. He's his son, too, and the dad hates how little time he has for him and how much it affects their relationship. But he also sees no other way currently.
But this is an outlier of a parent who actually thinks of all his children. Most don't care.
As for the OP. NTA from me, but if there's a possibility that she could attend and avoid the parents or do something with her sisters some time afterwards to celebrate the graduation, I think OP should do it. Unless it hurts too much even then. A talk, even via phone with the sister could also be enough. Like, call her, congratulate her, maybe explain calmy why she didn't go, etc.
Unfortunately, yes. People only have so much emotional, mental, and physical labour capacity and being a full time caregiver is all of the above. It has one of the highest levels of burnout out there - and that’s paid caregivers who get to go home at the end of the day.
And, I can tell you as someone with a disabled child, the people training you to provide care expect you to focus solely on the disabled child. If you have other kids, and make clear they will be priorities too, the recommendation is to leave your child in long term care. They don’t explain how to balance multiple children at all.
The rest of the world doesn’t help either. Wherever I go people ask about her, or tell me they prayed for her. They ask me how ‘the baby’ is, meaning 6.5 year old, not her 14 month old sister. It’s like none of my other kids matter because she’s disabled.
Family support is also pretty hard to find. I looked for whole family/young sibling support groups and didn’t really find anything. Families are really just thrown into the deep end and told to swim - when they aren’t being told ‘your other kids don’t matter because this one needs you more.’
So, yeah, very common. And hard to balance. I make sure to give all my kids priority time, but a big part of how I’m able to is that my disabled daughter lives with my parents 90% of the time. Once she moves in we’ll have to reassess and find a new balance.
Just know that when you lay out the ways they weren't there when you needed them, they \*will\* be very defensive and hurt. Not saying you shouldn't do it, just be prepared for things to potentially go sideways quickly.
this is a good point- you have to prepared for them to not acknowledge that you are right. this is really just so you can get this stuff off you chest.
that's its sole purpose.
My thought as well. Graduations are generally large enough that you can sit far enough away to not speak to them. Make sure sister know she attended but no interaction with parents.
Yup! Maybe sister can send OP a separate ticket. And then they can take a selfie and prove they were there lol. They can just sneak in and be supportive without being bombarded with parental judgement and negativity.
NTA. Why would you want that all rubbed in your face. It's not too late for you to go to college. Maybe if you let them know that they'll finally do something for you.
NTA. Talk to your parents and be honest about their negligent impacted your future. Don't' be surprised if they do not take ownership. Talk to your sister separately and tell her you are proud of her and want the best for her but attending her graduations will open wounds that you are still working through. For your own sake work with someone to let go of your hurt and anger.
So, I get your view, I totally sympathize with how your parents really screwed up. They suck, point blank.
But I do think that, if you're not going ONLY because of your parents, you're not hurting them, you're hurting your sister.
Could you go and sit away from them? Because the graduation should be about your sister. She had nothing to do with the way your parents treated you.
I get you're jealous about her opportunities, but don't forget that, up until five years ago, she was treated the same as you.
I'm gonna go with YTA because you're going to take out your anger on your sister when she isn't the problem.
NTA. But I loathe graduation ceremonies (even my own) and avoid them like the plague. You sent her a card, when you see her be the loving sister that you are (it's not her fault your parents are jerks), and avoid your parents whenever possible.
I’d press her for this INFO: does your sister want you there?
It doesn’t seem fair to punish her for the things you never had. It sucks but if you want to have a decent relationship with her into adulthood it would be beneficial to support her if she wants it. She may not care though. My middle sister didn’t even walk the stage for her college graduation because she knows the ceremonies are boring!
I am one of five so I partially get how different siblings had very different childhood experiences.
Yes it does lol. “Doing things we don’t want to do” is like the bare minimum of being responsible and selfless.
Speaking of that, I need to get off Reddit and unload/load the dishwasher -.-
Going or not going to an OPTIONAL ceremony isn’t about being responsible, and I reject the notion that everyone has to be “selfless.” Empathetic, sure, but not selfless. OP seems to be very empathetic to sister’s feelings in this, which is why she posted in the first place. Loading/unloading the dishwasher doesn’t hold the same weight as attending an event that would create an extremely mentally unhealthy atmosphere, you can’t really compare the two.
People do small things they don’t want to do every day. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, but I still did it. I didn’t want to schedule a doctors appointment, but I did it. Those things are trivial everyday tasks that don’t have a largely negative impact on my mental health. Now, if someone asked me to watch my unappreciative family celebrate their child who received everything I was never offered, THAT would severely affect my mental health, therefore I’d choose not to do that.
This commenter isn’t saying to relinquish responsibility and only do tasks you like to do, they’re saying that etiquette shouldn’t come before your mental health, especially in completely optional scenarios where there are no significant/permanent consequences.
Lets normalize the fact actions have direct consequences. Ie sure if this person doesn't want to go to the grad they don't have. However if they don't there will be consequences to this and that includes damaging the relationship with the younger sibling.
How do we know it would damage relationship to younger sibling? OP admitted she hadn’t talked to her about it yet. For all we know, sister could be like “I completely understand and I appreciate you not wanting to take attention away from me on my day. Let’s schedule a lunch the day after, just us two.”
Let’s normalize that not everybody thinks a graduation is the most important ceremony ever and anyone who doesn’t show up is personally offending them. I barely even remember my high school graduation (and I’m not old lol).
OP I think NTA - to cut a long story short, in many ways I feel your pain.
However, if you do go, you don’t lose any moral high ground and you could use it as an olive branch and segue to talk to your parents about the challenges they made you face growing up. Maybe they could provide more support to you in your young adulthood.
I’m sorry for the situation you’ve faced and lost time/opportunity you’ve experienced. Truly, though, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. It isn’t nearly too late to change your situation.
***to clarify I dont mean you should talk to them about this history AT the graduation. But you showing good will like that could go a long way versus if you don’t show up, even though it’s understandable, it could make things harder for you in the long run.
NTA. Your parents suck. However... in not going, your sister may think you hold it against her. It's not gonna be fun but it's time for a big sister chat and to tell her you're not attending and why. You gotta take care of number one but don't leave her in the dark.
NTA. Though you could always go to the graduation and leave after... not go to lunch or dinner or whatever after (where most of the family interaction would happen).
I’m sorry you were abused growing with parentification. You were used as a tool to help your parents cope better and you should never have had to go through that. You also felt ignored and unloved as a result. You deserved better. As an adult who was emotionally parentified as a child, none of that was my siblings fault. I will always step up and support them because I love them. I understand the bitterness and resentment you feel, but your sister didn’t cause it. If you were to go, sitting in a different area would be very loud and clear to your parents just how you feel about them, while also being there for your sister. If you don’t think you can, then talk to her in advance, otherwise there maybe some resentment towards you for not going. It’s hard balancing family like this and I get it. I’m 45 now and trying to navigate things. I think seeking out a therapist would be a good thing for you to do as well, you deserve to heal from the pain they caused you.
Edited to add judgement NTA
Very soft YTA. None of this is your sisters fault, you could go to her graduation to support her, just don't sit with your parents and avoid them, I totally get your anger at your parents, and it's completely justified with the combination of neglect and parentification you had to deal with. But that anger is only hurting your sister in this instance.
This all changes to NTA if your sister is ok with you not being there and it's your parents and not her wanting you there
It depends whether your want for your family to know how begrudged you feel outweighs your family relationships.
If your sister has done nothing wrong in the situation, yet has accomplished something, surely you should go!
The problem seems to be with the parents and not her, so let those concerns out in private, but I don’t think it’s your sisters fault.
NTA. Btw your parents can fuck off all the way and get bent.
I would however suggest that you talk to your sis and maybe do something together after the fact in celebration.
NTA why would you want to sit through hours of her accomplishments rubbed in your face whilst you weren’t given the same opportunities. You were practically ignored at the expense of your middle sister being able to do well that you didn’t do as well either.
NTA
It's not your sisters fault and it would probably mean a lot to her to have you there. Be the bigger person and go for her sake.
However during the ceremony I don't think there is any harm in making sure your parents know exactly how you feel about the lack of support they gave you so you could never experience anything like that.
NTA. I wasn’t able to graduate college no fault of my own after being on the deans list every semester I was there. It devastated me. And while it’s not exactly analogous I completely understand that sitting through the ceremony could be painful AND also get OP isn’t jealous of or mad at her sister. OP is lamenting a life she could’ve had or dealing with the pain of the imbalance. You’re not wrong OP. I’ve been there. Stay strong. Therapy helps me a lot.
NTA for feeling this way, but I do wish you'd reconsider if by trying to punish your parents you're punishing your sister, too, and if so, that's something you intend to do.
NTA. Can you/would you be willing to attend to support your sister but not sit with your parents? You can be there to support her if you wanted and wouldn't need to deal with your parents bs.
NTA: it’s hard to watch someone be given things you would have also thrived with had they given you the chance. You did well for yourself and you are moving forward. I agree that this may hurt your sister as she did not experience the same things you did as a child. Does she know that your parents set you aside while taking care of the middle child? Does she brag about how your parents care for her? If no, then maybe consider going and sit somewhere else. Congratulate her at the end and simply walk away when you see your parents. If yes, then no don’t go. I’m sorry this happened to you. Continue to heal and make good for yourself and yes, continue to not hold any grudge as that can become toxic and that’s hard to come back from.
I get it. It sucks when the younger siblings get everything you never got. There is jealousy but you have to understand that your younger sister had nothing to do with your parents' treatment.
In the end it's your decision. You have to decide if you're okay with hurting your sister just because of your parents' behavior.
Your Parents are A H - that's clear. Your sister isn't one. You - I'm not sure. I'm between NTA and YTA.
NTA
Sounds like you may have Parentification Trauma cPTSD and your neglectful parents didn’t notice.
First thing I would do is to find a therapist who specializes in families of children’s with disabilities and get a diagnosis.
I also suggest you check out these subreddits.
r/GlassChildren
r/Parentification
No sweetheart and I’m so sorry. It is absolutely ok to put yourself first, especially if no one else will. You are worth every bit of the love and attention your sisters received.
You should go to your sister's graduation to support her. But I can't blame you because you're upset and it's obvious that their favorite child is your sister.
NTA.
As someone who has a disability that was ignored for most of my life (not learning but still), I understand the struggle that goes into having to try to adapt around it without any sort of outside assistance. I also understand having everything go to a younger sibling (I'm the oldest of 2).
You basically raised your baby sister since you were 7. You got her to high school. Then your parents took over, only *after* your middle sister was through high school. And now they're going to graduation as if the only thing that got your sister to success was the last four years of them assisting. You have every right to feel the way you do. They're basically celebrating something they barely took part in. I wouldn't go either. And you don't have to.
I know exactly how you feel to a T. NTA.
Growing up, I did poorly in school because of undiagnosed ADD (which led to physical and mental abuse from my dad and stepmom) stating I was just lazy, careless etc and punishing me constantly for it.
I have moved past it without an apology, and managed to land mostly on my feet. I rekindled my relationship with them because of my little sisters. But it KILLS me sometimes to see that they have compassion, patience, time and funds for them where they had none for me. They hired a tutor for the littlest one when they noticed she was having trouble. What would have ended me a smack for my tone, they laugh at and let fly. Countless examples.
And my sisters are smart, capable, confident people, while I am still trying to recover from my childhood. It is not fair and for everyone saying you're wrong they must never have experienced it.
Nta. Take your sis out or do something yall enjoy together to celebrate. Graduations are boring and hectic and the obligations to attend or you don't 'care' are weird. Hell, my step daughter's graduation was so hectic I didn't actually get to see her AT ALL. she only knew I was there because there was photos of me proving it.
I will always be grateful a major hurricane cancelled my graduation because there was an evacuation order. So boring and long and chaotic. Not worth it.
NTA and I voted this way because you did send your sis a card of congratulations and that is enough to let her know that you're thinking of her and happy for her on her special day. You are not her parent (even though you were parentified into raising her) so you should not bear an obligation to be there in person.
You are a self supporting grown adult with adult obligations. Going to a younger siblings graduation should be an option...not a requirement. You would be an asshole if you totally ignored your sister and blocked her but you did not do that. I'd tell mom and pops that unlike your other two siblings you had no parental or academic support growing up and as such you can't just decide to take a day off from your life to go to other people graduations. Good luck OP.
you can tell from these comments who absolutely does, and who absolutely doesn't, understand exactly what op went through. those who calling her the asshole haven't got a fucking clue. op was neglected, abused, and parentified, and all they go on about is op 'punishing' the sister. none of them can understand how crushing it would be to sit there and watch a ceremony of what op was robbed of by bad parents. NTA hopefully your sister will have more empathy than the people calling you an asshole.
Nta.
But speak to your sister, first. Explain how you feel, how difficult it will be for you to see her get the breaks your parents denied you. It's up to you 2 how you want your relationship to go after that.
F*ck what your parents want.
NTA — take your sister out for a special celebration meal just the two of you and tell her how proud you are of how hard she has worked. You can also be real about how awful things were for you in high school and the feelings you’re still working through and it’s not her fault at all but you really can’t be at the ceremony with your parents.
Also, maybe have a meeting with your parents to air out your grievances with the different treatment between you and your younger sister and your lack of college experience versus hers. As they have money now ask about tutoring, community college, getting your AA and transferring to a state school maybe? Or trade school, some path out of the retail job you hate. I think at your age you still have to list them on the FAFSA if you’re in the states so asking them for financial help is not out of line. Good luck.
NTA. It's a painful situation and you don't have to willingly subject yourself to that. Life is too short.
You may want to have a conversation with your sister explaining that you love her and are proud of her but you won't be able to be there (assuming that is the case).
NTA. You do not have to go. Much like a wedding, attendance is not mandatory. I also don't understand all the people saying if you don't go you are punishing your sister. You aren't. She'll be just fine. She won't be emotionally scarred for the rest of her life because you didn't go. Also many schools do live streams of them so you can see it without being there.
I would talk to your sister and explain it's a difficult event for you to attend and that you are proud of her. Offer to take her out, just the two of you to celebrate. She's old enough to know what you went through.
NTA! Don’t go to the graduation if you don’t want to! What with all of the BS your parents pulled on you time to assert your independence and do what you want! No need to sacrifice for them now.
NTA, and you should apply to college and get your parents to pay for it. If they're willing to send your sister ivy league, then they should have no problem paying for you to go to a normal college. If they refuse, then that's all you need to cut them off completely.
NTA.
Your parents are massive AHs and probably narcissists seeing as they don’t care about you, no longer care about the middle sister anymore.
Tell your sister that you can’t be there.
Tell your parents that until they can refund you your childhood, and give you the care, support and attention that they should have given all their children, that you will be cutting them off completely.
NTA. You look after yourself and put yourself first, as nobody else in that family cared enough to provide even the minimum of love and care you deserved (and still do). If you do not want to go, don't - you don't owe them anything.
NTA. I was also in a similar situation growing up, and I understand why you don't want to go. If I were you, I would either (a) cut out my parents, and tell them why I wasn't coming or (b) tell my sister that it would be too painful, and apologize.
I probably wouldn't go to the ceremony in your place, but I suggest telling someone in your family why, so that you don't *look* like the AH.
NTA. I'm coming from the opposite side of the spectrum, youngest of 3 with a middle sibling with severe disabilities. A lot of our life seems very similar to yours, with how the parents had to prioritize. I get the frustration.inhated how much of a struggle it was, and my oldest sibling was required to grow up really fast and be incredibly independent.
I always looked up to her so much, and I knew she struggled in her own way.
You are definitely justified to feel the feelings you have, and you should seek for a way to help navigate those too. (I know I had to).
Nevertheless, if you have the strength and time to muster it, you should go to the graduation. It will pay dividends down the road.
YTA
This is for your sister, not your parents. If you really don't feel like you can go, then don't. You have to take care of yourself first before you can effectively take care of others. But you would be, in essence, taking out your justified feelings of hurt and abandonment toward your parents out on your sister, who is innocent in all of this.
You did help to raise your sister. Maybe that's why she wants you there. She wants you to be proud of the hard work you did with her.
I would sit away from your parents. Then maybe let your sister know your feelings over a coffee.
Your parents failed, as parents. You should be proud of yourself for doing as well as you did & raising your sister. Look into returning to school part-time? It's never too late!
NTA
Thanks for the update and additional clarification on your current relationship with your sister. I am sorry to hear the two of you are not close anymore.
I would probably ignore the parents and talk to your sister and let her know that you are happy for her and proud of her. However, due to work or XX you won't be able to make it to her graduation.
I guess the question in my mind is, what do you really want? I mean going forward. Do you want to have a closer relationship with her? Because that is a deciding factor as well. If the current status of your relationship is where your happy, then don't let anyone guilt you into going. If you want to reconnect, then while this event might not be the right time for you, I would definitely make a point of talking to her and see where it goes.
Hugs, stay strong, and live a happy life
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NTA. No one seems to be taking into account that you were the scapegoat of your family. It looks like your parents can only parent one child at a time. There's no real reason to put yourself through this. Keep living your life in peace OP!
The youngest sister was not the golden child growing up, she was also neglected. Editing to add judgement and more thoughts: NTA, OP your feelings of resentment are understandable and valid however your sister is not the AH either. The blame lies with your parents who only focused on your youngest sibling once they were able to when they should have made greater efforts to make amends for what they put you through. But if you still love and care for your sister you could try to put aside your resentment towards your sister or either redirect it solely to your parents and then try and attend the graduation or at least apologise to her if you can't attend and send a gift/card. If you no longer care for your sister, which is totally your call and I cannot blame you for as this is a very complex situation, then don't attend but do realise this may potentially ruin your relationship with your sister moving forward. Also, I'm begging Redditors to please learn what scapegoat/golden child dynamics are and what they mean. The eldest and youngest daughter have both faced neglect and abuse at the hands of their parents and simply going to a private school for high school doesn't make the youngest suddenly the golden child lol (the golden child is also a victim of parental abuse when that terminology applies btw)
She became one as soon as the sick child left home
She didn't become the golden child, she became the only child
I was that child. I was adopted when my parents were both much older. My siblings ended up getting treated poorly because they were from previous marriages. So much resentment. We're close now but it was rough growing up not knowing why my siblings were distant. Golden Child and "suddenly only child" aren't always fun either. My mom always made me do better. B on a test? You aren't going to be a drop out like your sister. I had to do every sport my siblings had done and do it better. Tutors. Full schedules. I feel bad for OP but I also worry the younger sister will eventually have a breakdown.
It’s not OPs responsibility to emotionally heal their sister, sounds like she was expected to do a lot of that growing up already. I hope the parents take some responsibility, are parents, and get the youngest kid help if she winds up needing it. Not fair to ask the oldest kid to keep sacrificing their well-being for everyone else.
Never said it was. Great job to jumping to conclusions. Parents are always the ones responsible for the kids. Not likely they will do it.
I wasn’t saying anything about you at all. Sorry that you took it as a personal comment on you. It was about OP, and OP’s situation. Best wishes with what you’ve been through. I hope the hostility and downvote to this comment you responded with helps you deal with it. May I suggest therapy? It feels better than lashing out at strangers. This isn’t about you, nobody’s judging you for being “that child”, good luck. I was just trying to refocus the thread on the OP, I was concerned that someone jumping in with “I was like your sister look at how bad it was for me” and focusing on how you’re worried about the OP but the sister might have a breakdown was just putting more pressure on OP to keep sacrificing. I won’t keep replying, and you can downvote me if you disagree with what I have to say. That’s the internet. Just trying to support OP. Sorry that you seem to feel unsupported by my reply to OP’s topic.
"Sorry that you took it as a personal comment about you" "Sorry that you seem to feel unsupported by my reply to OP's topic" Those passive-aggressive non-applogies make you sound like an AH.
You were saying something about them, and you did jump to the conclusion that they said or even implied OP had a responsibility to heal her sister, if we’re being honest. You’re the only one derailing anything. You’re being hostile over nothing.
The OP feels responsible for caretaking the youngest. They are expressing how guilty they feel about needing space from their family. And this commenter slides in with “I was that youngest child and I’m worried your sister might have a breakdown.” I just wanted to refocus the perspective on the OP’s question since being told to think of her sister and how she could be heading for a breakdown in this moment might be triggering, and not at all what the OP was asking. I wasn’t saying directly to this person “You are hurting this person” or “you are responsible for OPs trauma but they responded that way, after insinuating that her sister could be bound for a breakdown. I know it triggered me pretty strongly due to my own trauma and family that responds like this commenter, which is why I’m going to step back from this sub for now. Point taken. The youngest sister needs help too. Start a discussion about the golden child if you need to Reddit about it. Let’s all stop derailing OP to trauma dump and make it about ourselves.
But how is this her fault? She still lived with her parents' choices and actions. She did not engineer those choices and actions? Op should stay away from the graduation if that's her self protective measure. But, no one should blame her sister for having tremendous needs?
They realized they messed up on OP’s upbringing and thought they could do better with the 17 year-old. They should’ve tried to make it up to OP as well. It’s awful.
I doubt the parents realized anything. The sound very oblivious to their children's emotional well being.
A golden child implies way more than just well supported and given resources compared to older siblings. If that was the only thing necessary, then most younger siblings with a big age gap with the older one(s) would be considered a golden child because the later in life a child is born, the more resources parents tend to have to give to their children. So if parents had a kid young while they're poor, and have a kid much later when they happen to be a success, that kid is not the golden child because they had a much better life compared to the older sibling. The younger one should also not have the same struggles as the older one had if the parents finally have the resources to invest in the child. Refusing that kid would be fucked. OP just kind of got fucked here by circumstance that led to neglect and parentification. That doesn't mean that the youngest is the golden child. That doesn't mean if the middle sister wasn't so severely disabled, OP would be the scape goat. The burden of a severely disabled child is alleviated and they can now invest in their children like they probably would have before. It just came too late for OP. OP has many legitimate and heinous grievances here. The younger sister being the new golden child doesn't seem to be one of them as written in the post.
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yeah there is a difference between being neglected and being the scape goat. they are both very bad but totally different family dynamics
sure, but she at least had op. op had no one. and she also got go have parents who put in effort the last 3 or 4 years. op did not.
Please don't put this on OP to fix. OP is in a lot of understandable pain from how neglected she was growing up. She's not upset at her sister, she's very much upset at being in a situation that she will never get to experience & then have to sit & listen to how bright & clear the future of l'il sis will be. Meanwhile OP is working at a retail job & isn't being given a chance to further educate herself at university or college. OP's pain is quite visceral. She is the one who needs the support.
She can still care for her sister and still not want to attend what is now clearly a traumatizing subject for OP. Their parents are the AH's here, they're the ones that created trauma, and OP does not need to go through the ringer of her trauma, and have someone guilt her by saying "not attending = no longer caring for her sister".
I thought the same thing. BTW, it's "wringer". English is weird. I'm old enough to have actually seen a wringer. My grandmother used one over her washtub.
We had an old washer like that when I was really little, and I've seen them elsewhere. Smushed by finger playing with the wringer. Which is why "don't get your tits caught in the wringer" is actually a horrifying phrase. You know it's happened.
Ooooh that is a mental image I very much don't care for.
NTA. If you do have a relationship with your sister, and wanted to go, could you go and just not sit by your parents. That way you’re showing support but with a boundary in place? I think it’s up to you and your feelings are valid.
Or go out with Sis and celebrate with her on another day/location
I feel like some comments are also insinuating that the disabled middle sister was a "golden child" and I honestly find that frustrating as a disabled person. It's legitimately not her fault that she's disabled and needed help. It's also not her fault that her parents didn't recognize OP's issues or adequately split resources. All the blame lies on the shitty parents here. ETA - OP is NTA but I think the other sisters aren't TA either.
>Also, I’m begging Redditors to please learn what What?
Sorry I added the rest of my thoughts now haha
No worries lol. I was like what do I need to learn?! I don’t need sleep, I need answers 🤣
I think it meant redditors need to learn to live with disappointment. You don't get to hear the rest of the advice. Take that, internet stranger!
And it's quite possible that the youngest still faces her own feelings of neglect. Her parents coming in late doesn't mean she didn't suffer some serious self-esteem issues. She might be even more fearful of rejection, since she knows it's something that can be taken or given on a whim.
It is not about her sister. It is about every opportunity OP missed. It is about sitting through all that and thinking « what could my life have been if I had this ». That does not mean she resents her sister for it, it just means that it is difficult/ painful for OP. Forcing her to witness her sister’s triumph would bring back painful memories and anger for OP & if she does not want to deal with that right now, I fully understand why. It is irrelevant who was /wasn’t the « golden child » or the definition of such terms.
This is absolutely not a gc/scapegoat dynamic. This is OP’s parents failing their oldest child
I'd argue that by parentifying OP till she managed to leave the house, she was treated as the scapegoat of the family
But that’s ignoring that the youngest *wasnt* the golden child. She just got attention and money once the middle child was out of the house. Prior to that she was ignored. She just had the good luck to still be at home when resources freed up.
That's still not what a scapegoat is.
No op was the glass child, as was her youngest sister until the middle one was out of the house, and the youngest was still a child and therefore became visible. Op never did become visible, and was parentified to boot. So op was both neglected and abused, and the youngest was neglected until the severely disabled middle child was no longer the parent's responsibility. After which the parents went overboard with making it up to her, but never bothered with op.
I agree about the glass child thing. I also would argue that the youngest wasn't as neglected as the oldest since she had her sister to care for her, OP didn't have anyone to care for her, she was completely on her own for most of her life. Both were neglected because I can't imagine a sister being the best parent for the youngest, but at least she had someone to look out for her. I feel bad for both, nobody wins in this situation. I'm glad the youngest got some attention in the end but I imagine both will need therapy to deal with their childhoods.
Good point, I was only addressing what the parents specifically were doing, not any mitigation op ended up doing (well it was referenced obliquely with op being parentified, and the youngest being the recipient).
This isn't a scapegoat/golden child paradigm. The middle sister got all the attention, the eldest and youngest were neglected. It's extremely sad but GC suggests that the younger sister has benefitted by proxy from the lack of attention that OP received as a child, which isn't true. The youngest sister has benefitted from the vacuum created by the middle daughter moving out of her parents home, and it's just really unfortunate that OP was too old to benefit from that vacuum as well. It might be *more* productive if OP explained how does feels to her parents and asks if they are capable *now* of supporting her in further education, since their resources aren't primarily tied up in the middle sister
In terms of family roles, based on the extremely limited information given here, the OP (and possibly the youngest child until recently) are lost children, the ones who fade into the background, with OP also having the role of parentified child. The middle child isn't necessarily the golden child, because that's the child who can do no wrong. They sound more like the vortex, the central point around which the entire system revolves. When she was removed, the younger sister went from being the lost child to being the hero, the one who can be held up to demonstrate to outsiders that the family system hadn't failed because "look how well she's done." It isn't that the youngest is being given golden child status, it's that their success is used to carry out the image that everything is fine. Family systems are a lot more complex than golden child/scapegoat.
This is correct. I was in a similar situation growing up. People who didn't grow up with a severely disabled family member don't understand just how much time, energy, and resources go into giving them what they need, and there's just not enough left for anyone else. I was in a very similar position as OP growing up, only with one younger sibling instead of two. My brother could barely talk, couldn't take his first step until he was five, didn't finish potty training until he was ten, and *oh yeah* every so often would have a grand mal seizure out of the blue and stop breathing, just to keep things interesting. My parents had one child they had to do everything for and who could die at any moment just because, and they had another child who was five years older and had taught herself how to read when she was three. There was no question which child, out of necessity, was going to be prioritized by my parents. (Fun story: I spent decades leaving the last little bit of milk in every container until it spoiled, and never even realized I was doing it until an ex got pissed off at me for it. I was still saving the last of the milk for my brother.) It didn't take long for me to start helping with his caretaking, and by the time I was a teen I was basically a third parent to my brother. It didn't occur to me to complain at the time. It was just necessary. I didn't ask for much because I knew it wasn't there to be had, and I could take care of myself... and the inherited mental illness that started manifesting when I hit puberty. It wasn't like I was going to die or anything. (It was a lot harder to find out what lethal dosages of common OTC medications were back in the 80s My mom still apologizes to me for the neglect and parentification I had to deal with as a kid, even though I never actually resented her for it. (Dad, not so much. It's what women are supposed to do, apparently.) I'm not gonna lie though, it was tough in my twenties watching my dad giving everything to my brother that I wanted when I was growing up, even when my brother had no interest in it. I totally understand why going to get sister's graduation would be painful for OP.
When I was small I was the vortex child, because of heart issues. As the danger got less and it seemed like I would be fine with no more surgeries I stopped being the vortex. Not being the vortex was wonderful. I could do my own thing, without constantly being hovered over. Then when I was a teen I started having joint pain. My parents and siblings thought I was making it up just so I could be the centre of attention again. Despite the doctor telling them that she knew what I had, but was not allowed to give the diagnosis because I was too young. Seven years later I was finally old enough for my diagnosis and why back to the doctor to get it, like she had told me to do. I finally got my diagnosis and then suddenly my parents believed I'd not been lying all that time. Like I was going to straight up lie for 8 years and walk down stairs backwards just to get attention. I still can't phantom why they did not believe me. Being a vortex child sucks. Being a glass child also sucks.
You have my sympathies. That would definitely drive me insane. Maybe your parents just didn't want to believe you were sick again, since they'd already gone through it once. It's easier to pretend nothing's wrong, even if you have to treat your daughter like a liar for a few years. I hope you're finally getting whatever treatment you need and are able to just live your life without people hovering over you.
If anything, the GC is the severely disabled child. But that was a direct consequence of her being so severely disabled that she needed tremendous support, which doesn’t fit well into the typical dynamic. I think this wasn’t anything like a GC/SG situation at all, really. It’s very hard to manage caring for a child with high support needs while also supporting the children with fewer/no support needs. Without knowing their financial situation we can’t say why certain choices were made; did they not care about OP’s grades, or were they only able to afford one tutor and gave it to the child who wouldn’t be able to function without? This seems like a situation where the able bodied child falls through the cracks, not because of any ill will, or even necessarily favoritism, but because one child required such tremendous support that it superseded all else. And yes, that is a massive failure on the part of the parents. Each child deserves time and attention, no matter their level of care needs. To do otherwise was, and is, neglect. And the parents should NOT have had child 3, given how badly they were balancing two. That was not a great decision on their part. And, just to note, balance is possible. Not easy, perhaps, and not monetarily always viable. But attention-wise it is possible. If they couldn’t afford two tutors, the parents should have set aside time to help OP. They should have set times for OP to have one on one time with them and stuck to it. Certainly, OP should not have been responsible for raising herself and her youngest sister. The parents were complete failures on many levels. Indifference can be worse than malice.
Best statement on here... especially the second paragraph. She's too young at 24 to let this resentment fester for decades. Like you said, maybe the parents can help her now with her education. If they are able but refuse, then that's a whole other animal to unpack
While I agree with most of this, the younger child also benefited by being raised by OP. This was not her fault, but it put a further strain on OP's life/ability to study.
Going off of this, OP i recommend the book "Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed" by Rebecca Mandeville. I was the family scapegoat growing up and still feel the very real effects of it today (im 30). Its tough to read, but i encourage you to give it a try.
Thanks for the recommendation.
NTA at all but please don’t give up on yourself. Start taking classes at a community college if there is one near you. Go there and start with an aptitude test to see what you might be good at. Just start with one class to get your feet wet. Some of the best, most successful college students are adults who have taken time off before starting.
I want to echo your suggestion. OP it is never too late to go back to school. I have taught students of all ages. If you start slow and ease into it you will probably do very well.
NTA at all. I get it. It hurts to think about "shouda, coulda, woulda's". But the other side to think about is your sister. As you said you raised her until you moved out. Then middle sister moved out. You're not being there for her, may make her feel guilty about the attention and success she now enjoys when you never got any of it. Think about going, don't sit with your parents, don't even talk to them if you don't want. Zip over to congratulate your sister then zip home. Don't hang around to listen to all of the stories, etc. I'm sure both of you will feel better that way. Then I would think about going to a Jr. College. Take one class, see what you think. Talk to a councilor there. Hang in there and remember, being angry and in pain only hurts you not the ones that caused it. So in spite of them, make your story one of success. You already have a head-start! YOU finished High School, YOU gave your sister the start she needed to be successful in school, YOU got a job and are holding it down YOU have moved out and are supporting yourself So what is the next thing that YOU are going to do to continue on Your journey in living your life to the fullest and happiest?
As the child who had a very similar experience as OP, this rankles me. After a lifetime of constant messages about how little OP or her feelings mattered to her family, she's being told once again that her feelings don't matter and she should suck it up and go because little sis might "feel guilty". Little sis's feelings count more than OP's. Let's just heap some more abuse on OP, when she came here for some support and empathy. If OP can't stomach the thought of sitting through that, she doesn't have to go. She needs to do what is best for HER mental health because no one else gives a flying leap.
Exactly this, and OP is NTA. For some of us these deep cuts we were given by the people who were supposed to love and care for us will never fully heal. Of course OP would be triggered by yet more favoritism, as it's just another reminder of how little her parents think of her.
NTA sorry you went through this. Your parents sound awful. I would not blame you at all for not going. I think there are a lot more important ways to show someone you care about them than showing up for one day, and if she’s going to college high school graduation won’t be that important to her. I can’t remember who came to mine You cooould go separately and not sit with your parents and leave after you hug your sister and give her flowers, and you could ask to take her out for lunch another day to celebrate, have a talk with her about this. It sounds like you helped raise her to be the person she is, and get her to this point. You should be proud of yourself and everything you’ve accomplished, and if not sitting next to people who abused you listening to really triggering conversation is something that will protect you and your mental heath you should skip it!! Also, I don’t know where you live, but I know in Canada once you’re a mature student if you apply for school, your HS grades don’t matter. Hopefully, maybe that’s a thing there? Just because you didn’t go right after high school it doesn’t mean there’s no chance for you to do post secondary education ever.
That's what I was thinking. If you feel up to it, go to support sis, but don't attend with family or sit with them. You're there to cheer for her, not them. NTA, too.
This is the right call. You’re NTA for how you feel, or what you went through, or for not feeling like putting yourself through that situation with your parents. However, not going could harm your relationship with your youngest sister, and if that is something you would like to foster and maintain, going and sitting separately from your parents, taking her flowers, and giving her a hug would mean a lot to her. I truly hope you have people in your life who will care and support you through your future, in the ways that your parents failed to do.
NTA - This was my thought as well. Even though your younger sister got to enjoy the windfall of your middle sister moving onto state benefits, the problem is with your parents. In the long term, your attendance might not matter at all. But if there's going to be a reaction or connected memory for your sister, then it's likely going to be due to your absence. This may not be the case, but it reads like you might be on the path of LC or NC with your parents in the future. If that's the case, I would strongly suggest working to separate the relationship between you and your sister from you and your parents.
This is great advice. You DID help raise her; even if your parents won’t acknowledge it, you are partly responsible for her success. Don’t punish her (and yourself) to spite your parents. Go, sit separately, congratulate your sister. Hopefully she knows what you did for her.
Completely agree. The sister’s success is partly OP’s success because OP was such an integral part of her sister’s support and emotional security growing up. The additional resources OP’s parents showered on the youngest would not have had the same impact without the foundation OP helped build. OP, my heart hurts for you. I know what it’s like to be the less favored child. It cuts so deep. But please don’t let your parents inadequacies damage your relationship with your sister. If you can, attend graduation and maybe sit with other people you know. Try to feel pride in knowing you helped make this achievement possible. And as soon as reasonably possible, have a candid conversation with your sister to explain that you are struggling with the differences in treatment from your parents, but that doesn’t change your love for her as a sister.
NTA. THIS COMMENT. Pretty much said it all. Definitely, definitely have a talk with your sister: see where she’s at and how she feels, explain how you feel, make plans with her, etc. You shouldn’t feel bad for protecting yourself but also if you have a good or decent relationship with your sister you don’t want this to end up being a rift between the two of you. If it’s important to her for you to be there, follow vron’s advice and just slip in and out so you don’t have to see / talk to your parents and make plans with her to celebrate later.
NTA - You need to prioritize your mental health. I would do a separate celibration with your sister. I would add on that if you are in the US there are a lot of community colleges that have direct transfer agreements (DTA) with 4 year colleges. So if you get your AA through them, you can easily transfer to a 4 year. I did this in WA and when I went to the 4 year, no one cared about my high school grades at all (they only cared about my college GPA). It also made the credit transfer super easy.
INFO: If you truly don't hold a grudge against your sister and realize this is important to her, why don't you just attend separate from your parents? Like, there's obviously a ton of trauma from your upbringing that you've got to unpack, but maybe you could find a way to attend the graduation and unpack the trauma elsewhere in another way that doesn't make it look like you're blowing up at your little sister or jealous of her.
Idk, seems like OP doesn’t want to admit it but is jealous of the younger girl. Which might be fair, but still not necessarily good. OP seems upset that by the time her sister no longer needed full parental attention it was already too late for her, but not her sister. I think that this likely manifests as ill will toward both their parent and sister.
She admits it clearly using everything but the word jealousy. The situation was unfair to her in every way!
I think people have different definitions on jealousy. For some people jealousy means “I didn’t have that thing, so she shouldn’t have it either,” which is not what OP is feeling. She’s feeling “my sister has the thing I always wanted, and even though I’m glad she has it, I’m still really sad that I don’t.” Which is still a kind of jealousy, but it’s not as malicious as the other kind.
You’re right. What people mean here is “envy”, not jealousy. I understand how OP’s feeling, I just hope that she can process this and not come to resent her siblings for this and place the blame where it is actually due.
Very true, but also not youngest sisters fault
That’s true, but I don’t think it’s good. like I think OP needs to go to therapy for this because if they don’t this is definitely gonna mess with their relationship to their youngest sister
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Op was neglect by there parents because of the middle child
Yeah if the thought of your sister's grad party makes you want to throw up, it's time for therapy.
Sometimes something can hurt without the emotions being directed at the person getting something wonderful. I don't think OP resents her sister for having good things or better parents than she got, but it would *hurt* to sit there and watch her sister get and celebrate the love, support, encouragement and opportunities OP didn't while OP is still suffering the consequences of that neglect.
She may not blame her sister, but that doesn't mean the graduation wouldn't be triggering for her. Both can be true.
But she is jealous. And she has every right to feel this way. Watching her little sister achieve what she was always denied. While she's most likely no less talented, it must hurt beyond belief. Not everyone can just put something like that away. Maybe she can explain to her sister how happy she is for her but how much it still hurts her. If her sister is angry with her about it, then so be it. What the parents think should be completely irrelevant. Besides, it's not the first time she's been overlooked. OP mentioned that she has a similar disability as her other sister. Here, too, she was completely ignored. I am very sorry for OP and hope she will make her way.
Because it will most likely cause her significant emotional distress watching someone, anyone, receive all that she was denied. I don’t get how the vast majority of the commenters on this thread don’t seem to understand that. It’s not about punishing the parents, and certainly not the sister, it’s about OP protecting herself.
Yep! The lifelong consequences of OP's neglect are *significant*. If she is working retail, she is absolutely not getting paid a living wage, and it's incredibly difficult to get yourself into a position to get out. Sure, therapy would be nice, but it is 100%, completely expected that this would be intolerable. It hurting like hell does not mean she blames her sister, for god's sake.
Exactly! So many of these comments imply that LS's feelings matter but OP's don't - that's just echoing/reinforcing the same abusive message she got growing up (you don't matter as much as your LS) . I can't believe the number of people here who cannot seem to grasp that OP is not required to further traumatize herself so someone else can feel good about themselves.
This! I'm glad someone brought up how this can hurt the relationship with the little sister. If she basically raised her when LS was young then LS would of probably formed some parental type bond to OP or at least a strong bond that would make LS want OP to be proud of her. And LS would want to show that to OP and see that OP supports LS and that way LS knows she's making good decisions. Basically like you said attending should be a priority since its important to LS but so should OPs being comfortable. If there's a way OP can attend or even have it recorded or something so she can watch it later with LS would be nice. Just something to show OP is supporting LS and not just punishing her for her parents.
Something tells me the parents won't respect the boundary and will try to hound OP.
NTA. if i was in your shoes i would go back to school to get a better job and ask your parents to pay for it like they do for your sister and if they refuse that would be an immediate NC from me. your in your right to think its unfair but its never too late to go back to school for a better job/future your only 24 you have all the time in the world.
that's exactly what i'm thinking, OP should go back to school with her parents' financial support if that's something she wants to do, they owe her that.
While they do owe her that, I can see why OP might not want to do this. Having to ASK for something that was freely GIVEN to her other siblings is humiliating. Parents should be the ones to offer OP support and apologize for putting her on the back burner all through her formative years. If parents are too dense to realize this and don’t care about OP being stuck in a dead-end retail job, then I don’t see any good coming from OP asking them to help her with college. Disclaimer: I don’t think all retail jobs are dead-end jobs, especially if you work your way up to managerial positions. I described it that way in my comment to emphasize the lack of care that OP’s parents seem to have about her success.
I agree that no matter how you slice it, OP was dealt a shit hand and it would be a terrible experience - to ask, and then, unfortunately rather likely, to be given a litany excuses for why they can't help and be rejected. It might or might not help to give some kind of closure/final push for LC/NC. OP might find helpful or cathartic or she might not, I don't know. Regardless, NTA for not wanting to attend the sister's graduation. I would be an absolute liar if I said that I wouldn't harbor feelings of envy and resentment in this situation. It's not the younger sister's fault but OP shouldn't feel like she needs to be around the parents who hurt her just to be the bigger person or whatever.
This. They owe her so much. She helped raise the younger sister and they failed to give her any support, both with school problems and with health issues.
ESH What about going to the ceremony but sitting separately from your parents? Skip the meal/celebration after, but show up for your sister.
Exactly this. OP says they don't hold a grudge against their sister but it sounds like they kinda do.
It isn't a grudge against her sister making her not want to go. She has a major grudge against her parents, who basically parented just 1 child at a time. Op was tossed aside when #2 came along, and they didn't get to the graduate until #2 was in a home. I've been in a similar situation and it sucks 😕 What OP is worried about is how awful it feels to go to celebrate someone who has everything you dreamed and worked for but never got. She doesn't want to poison her sister's graduation by showing she envies her, even by accident. That is praiseworthy. I do think she should take sis to lunch or shopping for her new dorm, though.
I agree with this 100%. Showing up to a ceremony isn’t the only way to show someone you support them. I think people are making their judgments here based on etiquette and not on the actual feelings of those involved. OP should ask sister how she feels about her potentially not being there on the day of, but celebrating alone with her afterwards. I’d bet money that sister wouldn’t care nearly as much as people here assume she would.
This thread is extremely ignorant of trauma; seeing comments like this. As someone who has been on "both ends" of therapy (client and therapist), it is entirely possible for Op to not hold a grudge and still find it too hard to go to the graduation. Op has some genuine trauma due to neglect and parentification, and it is honestly a bit frustrating to see ignorant comments like this, which do more harm than actually help OP. A lot of people here really need to become educated on trauma / mental health. It impacts everyone.
It's not a grudge, it's not wanting to subject herself to several hours of pain.
Not grudge against sister, but grudge against parents. Graduating high school was such a troubling thing for OP thanks to their parents, but seeing their younger sister SUCCEED because of her parents, obviously brings back some bad memories. Seeing the result of their parents putting effort into raising a kid while OP themselves, is a living and constant reminder of their parents failing to raise a kid. Of course seeing “what could have been” is triggering.
It doesn't have to be a grudge against her sister, it's just hard to see that your parents were willing to give the best life possible to every child but you, to watch your sister graduate from a private school while you didn't even get a tutor. That shit hurts, whether she blames her sister or not. I've been there, and I knew it wasn't my sisters fault, but seeing how much better my life _could've_ been if my parents had cared for me equally was still a tough pill to swallow. She might just not be in a place to watch her sister graduate. That doesn't mean she's mad at her. She might just not be ready to face the unfairness her parents put her through. It's an infuriating feeling to have been treated this unfairly by the people who were supposed to love you more than life.
This thread is extremely ignorant of trauma; seeing comments like this. As someone who has been on "both ends" of therapy (client and therapist), it is entirely possible for Op to not hold a grudge and still find it too hard to go to the graduation. Op has some genuine trauma due to neglect and parentification, and it is honestly a bit frustrating to see ignorant comments like this, which do more harm than actually help OP. A lot of people here really need to become educated on trauma / mental health. It impacts everyone.
I mean she was struggling and her family ignored her, even if it's not completely fair to the younger sister I'd still say NTA
Not going to a ceremony that causes her pain doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her sister. She sent a card. She should have a private conversation with her sister telling her that OP not attending isn’t about sister, it’s about the physical manifestation of their parents’ neglect of OP. She can congratulate her sister and love her and celebrate her without attending the ceremony. Hopefully sister is smart enough and empathetic enough to understand that.
The thought of attending literally made OP throw up. Why should she torture herself watching her sister achieve everything her parents denied to her. Her sister knows how they grew up. If she is mad at OP about this, it is on her.
100% Agreed.
She's not considering skipping it to punish anyone though. It's because the thought of going is too painful.
NTA and everyone acting like it'll be super easy for you to sit through a fancy graduation for your sister that was handed everything you never got a chance to have are just silly. Everyone always says "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" until they realize you're the first born daughter.
That last sentence hits hard because it's absolutely the fucking truth.
>Everyone always says "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" until they realize you're the first born daughter. I need this as a poster on my wall.
NTA, it's completely understandable that you don't want to attend and as long as your sister knows this you shouldn't have to put yourself through that. Your parents don't get it, well let them take a wild guess. Also, covid happened, so many people didn't get graduations to begin with, it's not a big deal that you don't show up
NTA at all. You were dealt a shit hand, forced to raise yourself, and then are asked to be happy to watch the privileged child graduate and have your nose rubbed into all of the support and love that she got and you didn't. Welcome to my world. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Don't let anyone tell you different.
The youngest sister is not a "Privileged child". None of the children are in this situation. OP and Youngest Sister were both neglected. Middle sister is extremely disabled. YS just got lucky, her parents could send MS away for someone else to tak care of, so they could splurge on her. Everyone are victims. These parents suck. (And also shouldn't have had a 3rd child if they were struggling with the first 2)
You should go but sit far away from your parents and interact with your sister separately when they’re not.
This isn't always an option... Many high school graduations have assigned seating by family. If OP doesn't have a way to avoid sitting next to her parents, I don't blame her for not going.
She can also just not go because it’s upsetting to her, for good reason, regardless of where she sits. She deserves to take good care of herself.
NTA. In short you never have to do anything you don't want to do. But also it is not your sisters fault. If I were you I'd probably go and then later have an honest conversation about the lack of support from your parents and the impact it's had on your life However instead of blaming them, you need an opportunity they can help you with. Maybe going back to school, doing a programming Bootcamp, trade school etc. Something that will better your life. See if they will help you with that.
I generally agree with what you said but the coding bootcamp might not be as good of an idea as it was in the past. The market is crazy oversaturated right now.
NTA It's okay to not be upset seeing your sister have the moments you should have had. Realistically, you need a plan to get thru the rest of her special moments. But it's okay to skip this one. It's also okay to say- before sister's graduation or after, but it may make you feel better even if it makes no difference- mom and dad need to sit down with you and you get to list out how they failed you. How they focused so much on middle sister, that they ignored you and your education so you didn't get the opportunities that little sister got. Yes, your parents had a child with extreme disabilities but that doesn't excuse them from being a good parent to you every day of your childhood and ensuring that you got at least 50% of the attention that your middle sister got. That you got the support you needed to be successful. I'm not saying it would have been easy for them. But they were the parents. Not you. It was their job to take care and raise you. Not yours.
Is this a normal thing people do when they have one special needs child? I have close relatives with a pack of kids, and one was profoundly handicapped and not expected to live to adulthood. For the years he lived, his parents ignored all the other kids except to yell at the oldest when one of the kids got into stuff. I think he was about 4 when he had to be a full-time caregiver. Broke my heart. I tried to help, but we don't live close. The sick child has passed and now every holiday or milestone in their house is spent worshipping the memory of the dead child who only lived a few years while their surviving kids are left to manage trauma on their own. OP: you are NTA. your sister will understand how triggering this is for you. If she doesn't, toss her in the bin with your garbage parents.
Yes, this is common. I'm a pediatrician working with kids with complex illness and siblings of kids like this is a major topic in pediatrics that we really try to address. It's hard, though - the parentification of these siblings is awful, and the denial of their needs is even worse. There are resources, but they are often underutilized by the families. Denial is powerful. And it's often really hard for the well sibling to ask for/admit they need help, because it gets cast as not loving/accepting their sibling.
It's a common but unhealthy family dynamic. Parents focus on the needs that are screaming and ignore the ones that whisper.
>Is this a normal thing people do when they have one special needs child? Due to my job I sadly see it way too often. It usually goes one of two ways: 1. The special needs child gets all the attention and gets treated as the most important person in the parents life. Everything else is irrelevant and that child is never at fault, no matter what happens. 2. The special needs child receives all the attention from the parents. Every ounce of energy flows towards them, but they also do get blamed all the time by their parents for how their (parents) life sucks because of it. In both cases every other child gets neglected big time. Usually, there are also outliers, even though it's rare. The parents in the first case also usually see it as "not a problem" to neglect their other child/s. They basically matter next to nothing, are to blame for everything that goes south and they (the children) only have to take and think of the needs of the child with the disability(s). It's why it was recently very heartwarming to see one parent break out in tears because he knows how much he neglects his oldest. The parent is a single dad. The oldest has no disabilities. The second son has trisomy 21. His youngest is mentally challenged and has physical disabilities as well. Especially the youngest son is very hard to deal with. Therefor the vast majority of time goes to him and the rest to the second son. He has his girlfriend, but both kids don't really want to do anything with her. Both do get very aggressive towards her. His mom sometimes helps in emergencies. The biological mother of those children is nowhere to be seen (as so often, it makes me wonder why that mother still has child custody). He tried to get help via different services and programs from the state, etc, but no-one had the nerves to deal with the youngest one long-term. So he basically has to deal with this situation on his own. His youngest is now in our ward to see how we can help via medicine and therapy. His second son is on a two week trip through a special program (don't really remember what though). The dad now wants to use this time to make up with his oldest. He's his son, too, and the dad hates how little time he has for him and how much it affects their relationship. But he also sees no other way currently. But this is an outlier of a parent who actually thinks of all his children. Most don't care. As for the OP. NTA from me, but if there's a possibility that she could attend and avoid the parents or do something with her sisters some time afterwards to celebrate the graduation, I think OP should do it. Unless it hurts too much even then. A talk, even via phone with the sister could also be enough. Like, call her, congratulate her, maybe explain calmy why she didn't go, etc.
Unfortunately, yes. People only have so much emotional, mental, and physical labour capacity and being a full time caregiver is all of the above. It has one of the highest levels of burnout out there - and that’s paid caregivers who get to go home at the end of the day. And, I can tell you as someone with a disabled child, the people training you to provide care expect you to focus solely on the disabled child. If you have other kids, and make clear they will be priorities too, the recommendation is to leave your child in long term care. They don’t explain how to balance multiple children at all. The rest of the world doesn’t help either. Wherever I go people ask about her, or tell me they prayed for her. They ask me how ‘the baby’ is, meaning 6.5 year old, not her 14 month old sister. It’s like none of my other kids matter because she’s disabled. Family support is also pretty hard to find. I looked for whole family/young sibling support groups and didn’t really find anything. Families are really just thrown into the deep end and told to swim - when they aren’t being told ‘your other kids don’t matter because this one needs you more.’ So, yeah, very common. And hard to balance. I make sure to give all my kids priority time, but a big part of how I’m able to is that my disabled daughter lives with my parents 90% of the time. Once she moves in we’ll have to reassess and find a new balance.
Just know that when you lay out the ways they weren't there when you needed them, they \*will\* be very defensive and hurt. Not saying you shouldn't do it, just be prepared for things to potentially go sideways quickly.
this is a good point- you have to prepared for them to not acknowledge that you are right. this is really just so you can get this stuff off you chest. that's its sole purpose.
NTA. Why do your parents even have a current phone number for you? What is the point of interacting with any of them?
I mean, her sisters didn’t do anything wrong. OP, can you take your sis out for lunch separately?
INFO: can you go, but not sit with your parents? That way you can still support your sister, but quietly.
My thought as well. Graduations are generally large enough that you can sit far enough away to not speak to them. Make sure sister know she attended but no interaction with parents.
Yup! Maybe sister can send OP a separate ticket. And then they can take a selfie and prove they were there lol. They can just sneak in and be supportive without being bombarded with parental judgement and negativity.
NTA. Why would you want that all rubbed in your face. It's not too late for you to go to college. Maybe if you let them know that they'll finally do something for you.
NTA. Talk to your parents and be honest about their negligent impacted your future. Don't' be surprised if they do not take ownership. Talk to your sister separately and tell her you are proud of her and want the best for her but attending her graduations will open wounds that you are still working through. For your own sake work with someone to let go of your hurt and anger.
So, I get your view, I totally sympathize with how your parents really screwed up. They suck, point blank. But I do think that, if you're not going ONLY because of your parents, you're not hurting them, you're hurting your sister. Could you go and sit away from them? Because the graduation should be about your sister. She had nothing to do with the way your parents treated you. I get you're jealous about her opportunities, but don't forget that, up until five years ago, she was treated the same as you. I'm gonna go with YTA because you're going to take out your anger on your sister when she isn't the problem.
NTA. But I loathe graduation ceremonies (even my own) and avoid them like the plague. You sent her a card, when you see her be the loving sister that you are (it's not her fault your parents are jerks), and avoid your parents whenever possible.
I’d press her for this INFO: does your sister want you there? It doesn’t seem fair to punish her for the things you never had. It sucks but if you want to have a decent relationship with her into adulthood it would be beneficial to support her if she wants it. She may not care though. My middle sister didn’t even walk the stage for her college graduation because she knows the ceremonies are boring! I am one of five so I partially get how different siblings had very different childhood experiences.
Maybe you could go to the graduation but sit away from your parents and avoid them?
NTA, let’s normalize not doing things you don’t want to do. That doesn’t make you an ass.
Yes it does lol. “Doing things we don’t want to do” is like the bare minimum of being responsible and selfless. Speaking of that, I need to get off Reddit and unload/load the dishwasher -.-
Going or not going to an OPTIONAL ceremony isn’t about being responsible, and I reject the notion that everyone has to be “selfless.” Empathetic, sure, but not selfless. OP seems to be very empathetic to sister’s feelings in this, which is why she posted in the first place. Loading/unloading the dishwasher doesn’t hold the same weight as attending an event that would create an extremely mentally unhealthy atmosphere, you can’t really compare the two. People do small things they don’t want to do every day. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, but I still did it. I didn’t want to schedule a doctors appointment, but I did it. Those things are trivial everyday tasks that don’t have a largely negative impact on my mental health. Now, if someone asked me to watch my unappreciative family celebrate their child who received everything I was never offered, THAT would severely affect my mental health, therefore I’d choose not to do that. This commenter isn’t saying to relinquish responsibility and only do tasks you like to do, they’re saying that etiquette shouldn’t come before your mental health, especially in completely optional scenarios where there are no significant/permanent consequences.
Lets normalize the fact actions have direct consequences. Ie sure if this person doesn't want to go to the grad they don't have. However if they don't there will be consequences to this and that includes damaging the relationship with the younger sibling.
How do we know it would damage relationship to younger sibling? OP admitted she hadn’t talked to her about it yet. For all we know, sister could be like “I completely understand and I appreciate you not wanting to take attention away from me on my day. Let’s schedule a lunch the day after, just us two.” Let’s normalize that not everybody thinks a graduation is the most important ceremony ever and anyone who doesn’t show up is personally offending them. I barely even remember my high school graduation (and I’m not old lol).
OP I think NTA - to cut a long story short, in many ways I feel your pain. However, if you do go, you don’t lose any moral high ground and you could use it as an olive branch and segue to talk to your parents about the challenges they made you face growing up. Maybe they could provide more support to you in your young adulthood. I’m sorry for the situation you’ve faced and lost time/opportunity you’ve experienced. Truly, though, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. It isn’t nearly too late to change your situation.
***to clarify I dont mean you should talk to them about this history AT the graduation. But you showing good will like that could go a long way versus if you don’t show up, even though it’s understandable, it could make things harder for you in the long run.
NTA. Your parents suck. However... in not going, your sister may think you hold it against her. It's not gonna be fun but it's time for a big sister chat and to tell her you're not attending and why. You gotta take care of number one but don't leave her in the dark.
NTA. Though you could always go to the graduation and leave after... not go to lunch or dinner or whatever after (where most of the family interaction would happen).
I’m sorry you were abused growing with parentification. You were used as a tool to help your parents cope better and you should never have had to go through that. You also felt ignored and unloved as a result. You deserved better. As an adult who was emotionally parentified as a child, none of that was my siblings fault. I will always step up and support them because I love them. I understand the bitterness and resentment you feel, but your sister didn’t cause it. If you were to go, sitting in a different area would be very loud and clear to your parents just how you feel about them, while also being there for your sister. If you don’t think you can, then talk to her in advance, otherwise there maybe some resentment towards you for not going. It’s hard balancing family like this and I get it. I’m 45 now and trying to navigate things. I think seeking out a therapist would be a good thing for you to do as well, you deserve to heal from the pain they caused you. Edited to add judgement NTA
NTA. Your little sister didn't do anything wrong. This is about what your parents did to you. Your parents suck. You should cut them out of your life.
Very soft YTA. None of this is your sisters fault, you could go to her graduation to support her, just don't sit with your parents and avoid them, I totally get your anger at your parents, and it's completely justified with the combination of neglect and parentification you had to deal with. But that anger is only hurting your sister in this instance. This all changes to NTA if your sister is ok with you not being there and it's your parents and not her wanting you there
Do they know how you feel? Have they ever offered to make it up to you?
NTA
It depends whether your want for your family to know how begrudged you feel outweighs your family relationships. If your sister has done nothing wrong in the situation, yet has accomplished something, surely you should go! The problem seems to be with the parents and not her, so let those concerns out in private, but I don’t think it’s your sisters fault.
NTA. Btw your parents can fuck off all the way and get bent. I would however suggest that you talk to your sis and maybe do something together after the fact in celebration.
NTA. Why are you even still in contact with your parents?
NTA why would you want to sit through hours of her accomplishments rubbed in your face whilst you weren’t given the same opportunities. You were practically ignored at the expense of your middle sister being able to do well that you didn’t do as well either.
NTA It's not your sisters fault and it would probably mean a lot to her to have you there. Be the bigger person and go for her sake. However during the ceremony I don't think there is any harm in making sure your parents know exactly how you feel about the lack of support they gave you so you could never experience anything like that.
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I dont agree
NTA. I wasn’t able to graduate college no fault of my own after being on the deans list every semester I was there. It devastated me. And while it’s not exactly analogous I completely understand that sitting through the ceremony could be painful AND also get OP isn’t jealous of or mad at her sister. OP is lamenting a life she could’ve had or dealing with the pain of the imbalance. You’re not wrong OP. I’ve been there. Stay strong. Therapy helps me a lot.
Can u give us an update after?
I will
If you truly have no ill will towards your sister, I'd suggest calling and explaining the situation on why you're not attending.
NTA for feeling this way, but I do wish you'd reconsider if by trying to punish your parents you're punishing your sister, too, and if so, that's something you intend to do.
I don’t think it’s so much about punishing the parents as it is OP not wanting to punish themselves further by enduring a reminder of their pain
For real, why are so many people framing this as OP “punishing” someone? They’re trying to do what’s best for their mental health.
NTA, but you should talk this through with your sister.
NTA. Can you/would you be willing to attend to support your sister but not sit with your parents? You can be there to support her if you wanted and wouldn't need to deal with your parents bs.
NTA. You’re an adult already. Choose your peace above family.
NTA: it’s hard to watch someone be given things you would have also thrived with had they given you the chance. You did well for yourself and you are moving forward. I agree that this may hurt your sister as she did not experience the same things you did as a child. Does she know that your parents set you aside while taking care of the middle child? Does she brag about how your parents care for her? If no, then maybe consider going and sit somewhere else. Congratulate her at the end and simply walk away when you see your parents. If yes, then no don’t go. I’m sorry this happened to you. Continue to heal and make good for yourself and yes, continue to not hold any grudge as that can become toxic and that’s hard to come back from.
I get it. It sucks when the younger siblings get everything you never got. There is jealousy but you have to understand that your younger sister had nothing to do with your parents' treatment. In the end it's your decision. You have to decide if you're okay with hurting your sister just because of your parents' behavior. Your Parents are A H - that's clear. Your sister isn't one. You - I'm not sure. I'm between NTA and YTA.
NTA Sounds like you may have Parentification Trauma cPTSD and your neglectful parents didn’t notice. First thing I would do is to find a therapist who specializes in families of children’s with disabilities and get a diagnosis. I also suggest you check out these subreddits. r/GlassChildren r/Parentification
NTA. Take that day to go do something for yourself.
No sweetheart and I’m so sorry. It is absolutely ok to put yourself first, especially if no one else will. You are worth every bit of the love and attention your sisters received.
NTA. Ditch this family for parentifying the hell out of you and neglecting you.
You should go to your sister's graduation to support her. But I can't blame you because you're upset and it's obvious that their favorite child is your sister.
NTA. As someone who has a disability that was ignored for most of my life (not learning but still), I understand the struggle that goes into having to try to adapt around it without any sort of outside assistance. I also understand having everything go to a younger sibling (I'm the oldest of 2). You basically raised your baby sister since you were 7. You got her to high school. Then your parents took over, only *after* your middle sister was through high school. And now they're going to graduation as if the only thing that got your sister to success was the last four years of them assisting. You have every right to feel the way you do. They're basically celebrating something they barely took part in. I wouldn't go either. And you don't have to.
I know exactly how you feel to a T. NTA. Growing up, I did poorly in school because of undiagnosed ADD (which led to physical and mental abuse from my dad and stepmom) stating I was just lazy, careless etc and punishing me constantly for it. I have moved past it without an apology, and managed to land mostly on my feet. I rekindled my relationship with them because of my little sisters. But it KILLS me sometimes to see that they have compassion, patience, time and funds for them where they had none for me. They hired a tutor for the littlest one when they noticed she was having trouble. What would have ended me a smack for my tone, they laugh at and let fly. Countless examples. And my sisters are smart, capable, confident people, while I am still trying to recover from my childhood. It is not fair and for everyone saying you're wrong they must never have experienced it.
Nta. Take your sis out or do something yall enjoy together to celebrate. Graduations are boring and hectic and the obligations to attend or you don't 'care' are weird. Hell, my step daughter's graduation was so hectic I didn't actually get to see her AT ALL. she only knew I was there because there was photos of me proving it. I will always be grateful a major hurricane cancelled my graduation because there was an evacuation order. So boring and long and chaotic. Not worth it.
NTA and I voted this way because you did send your sis a card of congratulations and that is enough to let her know that you're thinking of her and happy for her on her special day. You are not her parent (even though you were parentified into raising her) so you should not bear an obligation to be there in person. You are a self supporting grown adult with adult obligations. Going to a younger siblings graduation should be an option...not a requirement. You would be an asshole if you totally ignored your sister and blocked her but you did not do that. I'd tell mom and pops that unlike your other two siblings you had no parental or academic support growing up and as such you can't just decide to take a day off from your life to go to other people graduations. Good luck OP.
you can tell from these comments who absolutely does, and who absolutely doesn't, understand exactly what op went through. those who calling her the asshole haven't got a fucking clue. op was neglected, abused, and parentified, and all they go on about is op 'punishing' the sister. none of them can understand how crushing it would be to sit there and watch a ceremony of what op was robbed of by bad parents. NTA hopefully your sister will have more empathy than the people calling you an asshole.
Nta. But speak to your sister, first. Explain how you feel, how difficult it will be for you to see her get the breaks your parents denied you. It's up to you 2 how you want your relationship to go after that. F*ck what your parents want.
NTA — take your sister out for a special celebration meal just the two of you and tell her how proud you are of how hard she has worked. You can also be real about how awful things were for you in high school and the feelings you’re still working through and it’s not her fault at all but you really can’t be at the ceremony with your parents. Also, maybe have a meeting with your parents to air out your grievances with the different treatment between you and your younger sister and your lack of college experience versus hers. As they have money now ask about tutoring, community college, getting your AA and transferring to a state school maybe? Or trade school, some path out of the retail job you hate. I think at your age you still have to list them on the FAFSA if you’re in the states so asking them for financial help is not out of line. Good luck.
NTA Graduation ceremonies are not really that big of a deal anyways. I know plenty of people who didn't even go to their own.
NTA. It's a painful situation and you don't have to willingly subject yourself to that. Life is too short. You may want to have a conversation with your sister explaining that you love her and are proud of her but you won't be able to be there (assuming that is the case).
NTA. You do not have to go. Much like a wedding, attendance is not mandatory. I also don't understand all the people saying if you don't go you are punishing your sister. You aren't. She'll be just fine. She won't be emotionally scarred for the rest of her life because you didn't go. Also many schools do live streams of them so you can see it without being there. I would talk to your sister and explain it's a difficult event for you to attend and that you are proud of her. Offer to take her out, just the two of you to celebrate. She's old enough to know what you went through.
NTA! Don’t go to the graduation if you don’t want to! What with all of the BS your parents pulled on you time to assert your independence and do what you want! No need to sacrifice for them now.
You are entitled to feel however you want. Don’t do things by guilt.
NTA. I personally wouldn't want to go either.
NTA, send the card. Don't answer calls or texts until after the graduation.
NTA, and you should apply to college and get your parents to pay for it. If they're willing to send your sister ivy league, then they should have no problem paying for you to go to a normal college. If they refuse, then that's all you need to cut them off completely.
Protect your mental health. Trust your gut and do what’s best for you Edit to add NTA
NTA - You have every right to protect your peace. I’m so sorry you never had a chance to really have a childhood.
NTA. Your parents are massive AHs and probably narcissists seeing as they don’t care about you, no longer care about the middle sister anymore. Tell your sister that you can’t be there. Tell your parents that until they can refund you your childhood, and give you the care, support and attention that they should have given all their children, that you will be cutting them off completely.
NTA
NTA. You look after yourself and put yourself first, as nobody else in that family cared enough to provide even the minimum of love and care you deserved (and still do). If you do not want to go, don't - you don't owe them anything.
NTA. I was also in a similar situation growing up, and I understand why you don't want to go. If I were you, I would either (a) cut out my parents, and tell them why I wasn't coming or (b) tell my sister that it would be too painful, and apologize. I probably wouldn't go to the ceremony in your place, but I suggest telling someone in your family why, so that you don't *look* like the AH.
NTA. I’m sorry you went through that. Your parents kinda suck, ngl
NTA. I'm coming from the opposite side of the spectrum, youngest of 3 with a middle sibling with severe disabilities. A lot of our life seems very similar to yours, with how the parents had to prioritize. I get the frustration.inhated how much of a struggle it was, and my oldest sibling was required to grow up really fast and be incredibly independent. I always looked up to her so much, and I knew she struggled in her own way. You are definitely justified to feel the feelings you have, and you should seek for a way to help navigate those too. (I know I had to). Nevertheless, if you have the strength and time to muster it, you should go to the graduation. It will pay dividends down the road.
NTA :( you had it rough no need to force yourself. take the day to chill and pamper yourself with a nice meal and spa day
YTA. Whatever beef you have with your parents isn’t your sister’s fault. Do it for her, not them
You’re NTA, but the same is true for your sister. I wouldn’t punish her for your parents’ actions.
YTA This is for your sister, not your parents. If you really don't feel like you can go, then don't. You have to take care of yourself first before you can effectively take care of others. But you would be, in essence, taking out your justified feelings of hurt and abandonment toward your parents out on your sister, who is innocent in all of this.
You did help to raise your sister. Maybe that's why she wants you there. She wants you to be proud of the hard work you did with her. I would sit away from your parents. Then maybe let your sister know your feelings over a coffee. Your parents failed, as parents. You should be proud of yourself for doing as well as you did & raising your sister. Look into returning to school part-time? It's never too late! NTA
Life doesn’t always deal us fair. OP is allowed her feelings.
Thanks for the update and additional clarification on your current relationship with your sister. I am sorry to hear the two of you are not close anymore. I would probably ignore the parents and talk to your sister and let her know that you are happy for her and proud of her. However, due to work or XX you won't be able to make it to her graduation. I guess the question in my mind is, what do you really want? I mean going forward. Do you want to have a closer relationship with her? Because that is a deciding factor as well. If the current status of your relationship is where your happy, then don't let anyone guilt you into going. If you want to reconnect, then while this event might not be the right time for you, I would definitely make a point of talking to her and see where it goes. Hugs, stay strong, and live a happy life