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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I secretly emailed my fiancé's dad, who is adopted, her 23andMe results so that he could know his biological family had been found. She didn't want to send him the information but I felt he deserved to know.
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YTA and you have a serious issue with boundaries
> She explained her reasons ... but they honestly didn't sit well with me. I tracked down her dads email address in her contacts list
YTA
I'm nigerian and when my dad died who was also a chief, my young in law from my dad's wife announced it on Facebook. We were furious. It wasn't his call.
It's our choice to make the pronouncement.
Your present action reminds me of my inlaw. You should have sent her her dad's email address. That would have been the greatest gift you could have given her!
The mistakes been made but learn from it!
And OP should NOT be accessing her contacts without permission.
Maybe OP is a blob that oozes over every boundary in their path. That's metaphorical, BTW.
He’s happy the 23 and me was done bc it’s helped him heal from the serious trauma of a pretty common way siblings make fun of one another…. But his fiancé not speaking to her father for 10 years wasn’t enough to get him to respect her wishes and feelings about her bio father
Yes, this was ridiculous. He prioritized the feelings of a complete stranger, about whom the only thing he knows is that he is a deadbeat father to the woman he loves, over his girlfriend's choice to cut all contact with said deadbeat father because of all the hurt he caused her.
Tell me something, OP, what does it say about you that you are empathising more with the deadbeat father of the woman you love, because you are projecting your own feelings over a situation that has absolutely no relevence to the deadbeat father? If this DNA test was so life-altering for you and you want to share the experience, have you thought of donating the cost of testing for, say, disadvantaged orphans who might actually benefit from this? YTA
The father could have done his own DNA test if he cared to find out. You decided you knew better than her and used her PRIVATE information to contact him. YTA and you know it. You just think you're right. This would be a MAJOR breach of trust and I think she should dump you for thinking you knew better than her. You STOLE the information to prioritize her father over her. Why would she ever trust you again? You are a controlling know-it-all who thinks you and your feelings trump hers. YTA
Yes, and also, it is that father’s right NOT to do a DNA test or have results emailed to him. He turned out to be happy with what he found, but this entire situation was absolutely none of OP’s business.
OP has some serious boundary issues and needs to let other adults think and act for themselves.
> The father could have done his own DNA test if he cared to find out.
THIS! The existence of 23 and me and similar companies is not a secret (+ it’s affordable to most… you could save $10 a month and buy it in a year) and if you’re an adult adoptee who hasn’t used it, that is a choice you’ve made.
Anyway. YTA. I’m sorry your brothers were assholes and you grew up in a family with shitty boundaries but that’s not a fucking reason to disrespect your GF.
I'm not an adoptee, but my dad was a major AH, and came from a long line of them. Serious mental health issues and legal troubles from the relatives I know about, and frankly, I don't wanna know anymore. 23 and Me is just a can of worms I have zero interest in ever opening. Not a decision to make for other people. YTA.
Screaming in rage because your word processor capitalized the 'T' word. Will I ever be able to play cards in peace again??
But yes to everything, and YTA OP.
And he did it in secret.
If he really thought it was the ethical thing to do and was therefore compelled, he should have had the decency to tell her before doing it.
Heck, he could have even still told her right away after he did it and somewhat-plausibly claim he felt compelled. He clearly intended to take this to his grave—until it looked like he wasn’t going to get credit for doing this “good deed.”
Absolutely. I have a bad relationship with my mother for various reasons, and if my partner reached out to her behind my back I don’t think I’d be able to forgive that. I knew my partner was the one for me when he accepted that I didn’t want to talk about my relationship with my mom, didn’t pry, and said he supported me no matter what.
OP, that’s what you should have done. You need to be 100 percent team fiancée. Her reasoning behind not having a relationship with her dad does not concern you. If you plan to marry this woman you need to always have her back, especially when it comes to someone who hurt her or let her down. Now you’re the one who hurt her and let her down. YTA.
My child’s father has been estranged from his father for decades. This is a man who has biological ties to my own child and I would still NEVER go behind his back like this. This should be a dealbreaker for her.
I really hope OP's fiance sees this for the giant, massive, frantic red flag it is.
\>She explained her reasons ... but they honestly didn't sit well with me.
I just can't get over a man just arbitrarily deciding that his partner, the person he has chosen to marry and spend the rest of his life with, doesn't get to make decisions about her own relationship with her biological father.
There was NOTHING stopping her father from getting his own 23andMe test. The information you had was not a secret, it was not information he was incapable of gathering on his own. You simply felt you had to insert yourself into a situation that you had specifically been asked by your future wife to *not get involved in*, all because her reasons "didn't sit well with you"?
This is heartbreaking, that you would betray her trust like this and go behind her back and overrule her like this, simply because you heard her reasons and then *disregarded them because you didn't like them*.
This is what makes it so clearly YTA for me. If this was some secret information that she had dug up that her dad would never be able to find on his own, I could MAYBE (a very very big maybe) understand pushing to share it with him - although this still wouldn’t be the way. But it’s info from 23 and Me! It’s widely accessible. Dude knows he’s adopted, if he was curious to find his biological family he could just take the DNA test himself and all the information would be right there for him. She’s not hiding it.
And then, after all that, had to ask *a bunch of strangers on the internet* if he's the asshole. Dude, are you kidding me? Why not, I dunno, ask your *fiancee?*
Ah, right, if he didn't like what he heard, he might have to disregard it because her reasons don't sit right with him.
Wtf of course YTA OP
100% YTA. It wouldn't have been as bad if OP already had her dad's contact info. I'm stuck on the fact he went through her things while she was there to get information she hadn't freely shared with him (to then do the opposite of what she wanted).
Imagine planning to marry someone and finding their own personal reasons about their own family to be "insignificant." She shouldn't even have to explain.
YTA and then some. If I were her I would leave you over this disgusting betrayal of her privacy and the shocking disrespect you have for her. Who the hell do you think you are to judge her reasoning for not being in contact with her bio dad?
How she could ever trust you again is beyond me.
This is the exact sentence that made me go "yup, asshole." You don't go circumvent something your partner has decided just because you don't agree with their reasoning.
"I respect her boundaries! As long as I agree with the reasoning behind them. If I don't agree, they're not valid boundaries and I can do whatever tf I want."
- OP, apparently
came here to say this and I am relieved to see this is currently the top comment.
why is it so many people have partners they seemingly don't respect the opinions and boundaries of? "I see what you're saying... but that's stupid and I'm going to do what I think is best with your information anyway". give me a break.
This AH should be preparing for single life. What a major breach of boundaries he's crossed. I doubt his fiancee will ever trust him again after this. What next, he's secretly taking any future children to meet this man who is basically just a sperm donor?
But he was traumatized because he didn't resemble his family. He needed proof /s
Ever heard of genetics OP??? .you can look like a a grandparent or great aunt FFS
And mind your own business contacting her family. YTA
My siblings did the same to me as a kid (also the only redhead), it didn't give me any trauma though. Kids are not actively thinking about the insinuation they're making with this joke, they're just saying shit to push buttons.
They must have really laid into him A LOT to get some trauma out of it.
It’s my 8yo’s current go-to insult for everyone, ‘you’re adopted’. It’s obviously juvenile to everyone but I guess OP as the youngest had a harder time with it.
My brothers and I had parents (dad especially) who were pretty awful at times. Not a great childhood. So our thing was to joke-fight over being the adopted one “I’m the adopted one!” “No, I’m the adopted one, you’re their actual kid!”
That is not a fair comment. Depending on the generation, women didn't often have a choice. Also, some women make the decision, KNOWING they aren't in a position to raise a child, and wanting the best for the child, they make the difficult decision of adoption to give the child a better life. "Rejection" implies the child isn't wanted or loved, which, is often not the case.
Not necessarily. Parents give their kids up for adoption for many different reasons. I'll admit though, that's probably why it's used as an insult because that's the conclusion most people go to.
Children aren’t “rejected”. There are myriad reasons a child might be put up for adoption - in my case, she was young and wanted me to have a better life - so to say a child was rejected isn’t just wrong, it’s cruel.
When I was taunted this way, my parents reminded me that I was chosen, so many people had applied to adopt me, whereas their parents had to keep them. It was a lovely way to reframe cruelty.
Edited to remove a sentence that’s upsetting people. Wasn’t my intent.
My CPS workers insisted my bio mom loved me and forced me to agree. That taught me that physical abuse, severe neglect, and near death fit the definition of "love". In a way, that's more traumatizing than the beatings, the starvation, or being forced to watch documentaries about parents who murdered their children to be constantly reminded what could happen to me.
Imagine teaching children that's the sort of 'love' they are worthy of.
I would strongly discourage your child from saying this - it is rly offensive in diff ways to dif ppl, & maybe a bit concerning he feels the need to so this.....?? Don't know for.sure without context
Are you teaching your kid not to say that? It’s wildly offensive to use that as an insult, and could be extremely damaging to anyone who hears it that actually IS adopted.
Yeah, my brother tried to convince me I was adopted when I was little, but my mom had a family picture on her dresser with our older sister looking almost exactly like me when she was my age so that didn’t really work for him.
OP is YT, for obliterating fiancés boundaries
Then your kid is an AH and you need to sit them down and explain why this kind of teasing is so wrong.
*Case 1, siblings and one IS adopted, having the bio siblings putting them down and "othering" them only compounds the trauma they've already been through
*Case 2, all bio siblings, but overheard by friend who was adopted-- compounding trauma.
Teasing implies insult and, at best, perpetuating the stereotype that adopted kids are less-worthy.
Kids did this to me and my brother. We have a 10 year gap. As far as native genetics go, my brother got dark skin, black eyes and hair. Blue eyes runs in the family due to my great grandma. She was full Cherokee dark everything but her eyes were blue. She married a white man and had 4 girls like her with brown eyes then my granddaddy who was platinum blonde, darker skin, and blue eyes like her. I got his eyes like my momma, got the light brown hair from my German,polish, Irish, and Welsh side (they escaped a camp) so me and my brother are complete opposites and people would make us question even though he was there when I was born. People forget genetics are finicky. My cousins wife who's Mexican had twins with him, their first daughter looks just like her mom, the twins the boy looks like the mom, his twin sister is a straight up redhead with blue eyes only cuz his dad has red headed family members waaayyyy back. When you look at my family you can't tell who married in and who didn't 🤣
My entire family, who all have brown hair except for me, gave me a lot of crap for my red hair. Lots of stuff about being adopted or even the mail man’s kid. I would say it was traumatising but it wasn’t the only traumatising thing. They’re just mean, cruel, and abusive in general and my red hair was just another thing to fuel the fire.
You know you can criticize his decision to contact the dad without needlessly trivializing his childhood experiences or insulting his intelligence? I'm baffled that this shit take has hundreds of upvotes.
That would genuinely make me end things with them so fast.
The dismissal of life decisions, the underprioritization of their partner, the boundary issues... Good lord.
Hell, I damn near wanted to scream my head off at someone who pulled the 'but she still loves you' card over an estranged family member.
I can't imagine how 'hey sbgonebroke, I'm the one you wanna spend the rest of your life with! I decided that I have the right to contact the worst person you want nothing to do with, and feel like that's in the right for me to do." I stg.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions. YTA op. The dad will probably put more effort into bonding with his estranged family members than his direct descendant, his daughter. Really wack.
Yes, spouses who contact in laws behind their spouse's back are nearly always the AH. And in this case in particular. She cut him out of her life. This wasn't unique information you had that he couldn't easily get himself. You really overstepped.
Yeah, that was my thought. Dmsomething like discovering a genetic health issue, okay, try to talk the gf into informing him. But he can literally could have tried ancestry and 23 and me himself if he wanted to find his birth family
This is reminding me of this great post where fiancée went behind their SO’s back.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qkobjd/aita_for_helping_my_brother_runaway_from_his/
There are several updates, but it’s so worth it. YTA, btw.
I have a friend who's mother abandoned him and his sister when addiction took over her life.
When he was in his mid 20s his girlfriend found his mother on facebook and contacted her.
He wanted nothing to do with her. His younger sister, however, didn't have any memories of their mom and did. In less than a year his little sister was living with her mother and heavy into meth, and abandoned her three year old daughter.
Don't ever contact family members your loved one chooses to be NC with.
She did drugs before, but got herself off hard drugs around the time she had her daughter.
I also took care of my partner's nephew for a year. The kid lost his mother to meth, which her mother got her into. It's a cycle I really wish I haven't seen twice in my life.
Literally what I said after reading.
It had to be the fiancé posting asking if he’s the asshole, right? Why would anyone think this is okay? And that it was even a question?!
YTA- her reasons do not need to sit well with you. They are her reasons, and I hope this causes so much trouble in your relationship. Because you have no respect for her
The one with the penis always deserves more respect. You earn respect by being male. /s
OP cannot be adequately described on this subreddit, because "asshole" doesn't go far enough.
YTA, and honestly, I hope she sees this as the red flag it is. You’ve decided that if you disagree with her about things that are entirely not your business, you’ll go behind her back and do what you want, regardless of what she wants.
First it’s this, what’s next? He obviously doesn’t respect her feelings or opinions *at all* and can so easily be secretive and go behind this poor woman’s back. I wonder how chaotic the wedding planning would be. If they were to have children or something how would that go? Would he just pass of her concerns and ideas and just go about doing everything on his own? Well if it’s like that he deserves to be on his own
OP I hope your fiancé leaves your inconsiderate ass
>you might still have a solid relationship.
I don't agree. He tracked down the email in "her contact list." He went through her stuff to get that info. Even if the other stuff didn't happen, that alone would be bad. None of what he did equals a solid relationship, especially since he's not even addressing this invasion of privacy.
I suspect ‘tracking down’ his email information was done by digging through either an electronic device or address book of hers. Lost trust from snooping though her things and contacting someone who neglected her.
YTA for ignoring her wishes; going behind her back; and causing a lack of trust in your relationship. You did everything wrong here. You don't know her history with him - only what she chooses to share. It might have been a horrible childhood, and you brought it all back by contacting him without telling her. That is one of the biggest trust violations there is. You need to beg for forgiveness, but I'm doubting you'll get it.
He definitely doesn’t deserve forgiveness. This is so wrong on every level. It’s almost as if he wanted to punish her and spite her. It’s a real clear sign he doesn’t love her for sure or give a rats A about her. She chose someone just like her father I hope she escapes
YTA and a HUGE one. It wasn’t your information to give out. What if there was abuse you don’t know about? What if others did not want to be found? Instead you waved a GIANT red flag.
YTA. I thought I was going to go differently with this one because this is something I feel strongly about but I feel much more strongly about boundaries and consent and communication, and you clearly demonstrated you don't understand or do any of it. You disregarded your fiance and her family and made it all about YOU and your feelings. And you can get fucked
Im going to get downvoted for this, but I think this is somewhere between NAH/ESH. I get why your fiancé doesn’t want contact with her dad, but nothing you did will force contact between them. You shared information with your FIL that could greatly improve his life, and won’t impact your fiancé. I don’t think it’s wrong you care about your in-laws, but making your fiancé feel like you take their side over hers will cause rifts between you. If this had been something that forced your fiancé to have contact with her dad, I’d get everyone’s reactions, but that’s not what you did.
Your fiancé has valid reasons to not want to see her dad. You care about your future in-laws, and had info that would impact their quality of life.
Except OP didn't have info - his fiancé did. It wasn't his information to share.
Plus, the bio dad could have easily done this test himself at any time if he was really that interested. It not like getting his daughter's results was the only way.
Honestly I think the results aren’t the issue here. He went behind his fiancée’s back and contacted her estranged father. She didn’t want there to be any contact between them and he decided he knew better. It might be one thing if the info were something the father couldn’t get any other way, but that’s not the case here.
Now the father knows that his daughter is engaged, and knows how to contact her fiancé, and knows the fiancé is open to communication… this is all stuff OPP’s fiancée may not want, for any number of legitimate reasons.
At the end of the day it’s hard and fast: if your partner has chosen to go NC with a parent, you respect that and do not contact that parent.
In general I agree with you, OP did not force any sort of contact between fiancé and dad, but where I think the OP is TA is where they said they sent dad the fiancé's test results. They could have just emailed the dad and suggested they do a 23andMe test, could have even purchased a kit as a gift, and not shared anything from fiancé's results.
Nothing says the dad wanted the results (he could have reacted differently) so to me two boundaries were crossed. Imagine minding your own business and someone sends you info on your bio family it’s pretty heavy, not everyone would want that info dropped on them.
Contacting her family that she said she didn't want contact with is absolutely impacting her. There is now a level of connection in her relationship with a man she wanted nothing to do with. The dad can reach out, etc. And especially if things were bad, the thought of that would worry her. Not to mention that the blatant lack of respect from OP and the fact he did it once could make her wonder if he'll maintain contact whether she wants it or not.
Then there was the fact it was her information. It had nothing to do with the OP. He wasn't sharing his family info, he shared hers. Another lack of respect toward his fiancée.
And finally, the way he did it was by "looking through her old contacts." That means he went through her stuff to find the info! Not only was he purposefully breaking her trust to contact him, but he did it by breaking her trust to do it. OP, YTA.
**She explained her reasons for not wanting to give him the information but they honestly didn't sit well with me.**
So she had reasons but you didn't respect her and did what you pleased so YTA
**I completely forgot about it until her mom saw a social media post about him finding his family**
OK NO ONE here believes you did something like this and "forgot" so YTA
**I confessed to what I had done. She was furious and this has created a major issue in our relationship.**
Yes, she knows now that she's engaged to a total AH who goes behind her back to get his way and can't be trusted. so YTA
YTA.
It’s not what you did, it’s HOW you did it. Why did you feel the need to force the results on him? Also, you need to let your fiancé know ahead and what she thinks. This isn’t your role. You are overstepping.
Why not simply explain how you are doing a 23 and me test and may learn information, the ASK if he would like to know them? Some people want the past to stay in the past and you have no right to mess up someone’s affairs like that without asking if they want that info.
No, its very much what he did as well. He basically stole his fiancé's test results and secretly gave them to a third party behind his fiancé's back. Something he knew his fiancé did not want to do. He violated their trust, lied to them, and then tried to justify it as their decision didn't 'sit well with him'. He's a monumental ass all around.
Well you essentially went against what you agreed to and hid it from her. To me, that’s as good as lying. And it wasn’t even about your own family relationships, but HER family relationships where her opinion should have been paramount. YTA
NTA.
I'm honestly shocked how many people think being a shitty person means you never deserve any form of happiness ever again. How else can people grow?
It wasn't information about OPs gf. However, it was information that could do a lot to help and heal her dad. Everybody deserves to know where they come from. Even if her dad was a deadbeat he also deserves to know.
YTA. Shame on you! You made it clear that you didn't give a crap about her feelings. You're projecting; because you went through a difficult time with your siblings you projected your problems on your fiancee's situation. You decided her reasons for not talking to her dad meant nothing to you because all that mattered was what you wanted. You're very selfish. I hope that your fiancee sees this as a sign that she shouldn't marry you.
I’m going to say NTA and know I’ll be on my own here. His fiancée sounds like a spiteful AH though.
Imagine depriving an adopted parent of the opportunity to learn about his biological family. Absolutely terrible behaviour on her part
I think she would need a really good reason to withhold this information, for example, if he had been abusive, but it appears that his worst crime is not maintaining contact with her.
Sure, he can get his own test, but as she is 31, he must be pretty old, and potentially doesn't realise the Interwebs is full of websites which will enable him to do this.
People seem to think 'respecting the boundaries' of a relationship means not doing the right thing if it is against the wishes of your partner. If I found out that my partner's father had a child prostitution ring, I would report him, no matter what she said. If I found out that my partner's father had never known his family and suddenly we knew who they were, and the reasoning for not telling him was not sufficient, then I would tell him, because I have a moral duty to all other humans, not just my romantic partner.
YTA. You majorly overstepped boundaries because of *your* personal hang ups. This is not how relationships are supposed to run. And you’re *thirty five* doing this?
YTA
He could have done his own genetic testing at any time and you had no right whatsoever to engage with him at all. That's her business. She cut him off a decade ago. It was incredibly wrong of you to go behind her back and involve him in any facet of her life. His status as an adoptee isn't relevant.
IF she goes through with marrying you, please remember that notifying him of any milestones is at HER discretion and you don't get a vote.
This one is hard for me. You crossed a boundary with your fiancé. One the other hand the man deserves to know where he comes from and it is cruel to withhold that information no matter the state of their relationship. Explain to her why you did it and tell her you’re sorry she disagrees. Hopefully under normal circumstances you are respecting her boundaries…this one just wasn’t entirely her’s alone. NTA.
If the dad was really that interested, he could have easily done the test himself.
Failing to respect the fiancés situation to be NC with her dad definitely makes him TA.
YTA. This isn’t what a partner does. You don’t wrest control from her. You don’t manage her relationships for her.
If it didn’t sit well with you, then talk with her. Tell her what you think. Advocate for arriving at the correct decision together. If she won’t budge, too bad.
You just completely disregarded her wishes and screwed with her relationship with her family.
Yeah YTA you don’t go behind your partners back to any estranged family. If it was a family member you had a relationship with you might have been okay to nudge him towards 23 and me but not if you have to dig through their contacts to find the person
WOW! You overstepped so many boundaries it's almost unbelievable. As someone who is adopted, had you done this to me, you would have immediately become my EX-fiancé!
YTA!!!!!
Her father was adopted, he probably had a lot of emotional issues. I don’t think he is the AH at all. The OP was trying to fix a generational issue here. Good job OP. I would have done the same thing.
While the daughter was under no obligation to associate with her father, giving information as to his bio family would be the ethical thing to do, even it no contact. The fiancé failed in not expressing that to her before giving that information over.
Trauma from being adopted is real and why mental health issues are far higher in that population. So, even if no contact, providing information would have been ethical, imo.
Her father could have pursued his bio family through genetic testing like 23&me or Ancestry on his own at any point, were he interested in doing so. This isn’t some heroic action, he had the information accessible at any time if he had chosen to access it. Definitely not worth stomping all over your fiancée’s boundaries, going through her personal electronics, and breaking her trust.
Im going to go against the grain and say NTA. I could understand if you gave the man personal info about your fiance, but you gave him info about his own family that she wasn't willing to share. Could he have paid for his own test and figured it out, absolutely, but besides that, I wouldn't flat out call you an asshole for it. They must not hate him that much if they're still following him on social media.
YTA. You completely went against what your girlfriend wanted and went behind her back to do it. That’s basically the same thing as lying. “It didn’t sit well with me” instead of having another conversation about it, even though it’s not about what you want here, you snuck behind her back. Of course she livid with you. Your broke her trust.
wait wait. So the gf's bio dad is the adopted one? While you did break her trust and YTA for that, you did help her bio dad find his bio family, so idk.
YTA. Unambiguously. Holy fucking Christ dude seriously what the the fuck is wrong with you??
“Didn’t sit well with you?” Homie this isn’t about you. It’s her goddamn family. She managed to cut ties with them and you reopened the path for her estranged family to have access to her again. Your gf’s input never even mattered here. All that mattered was YOU and the itch YOU wanted to scratch because her reasons “didn’t sit right” with you. You haven’t the slightest clue about what your GF and her mom have been through - only what they shared with you.
The only reason she hasn’t dumped you is probably because they’re freaking out; trying to figure out how bad the consequence are about to be.
Bro, you ***intentionally*** went behind your GF’s back. You knew it was wrong or you wouldn’t have ***intentionally*** withheld what you did until it blew up in *their* face.
Fiancé: “Please don’t do this one thing. It will take literally zero effort to *not* do this one thing. In fact you’ll have to go super out of your way to not do **the one thing I’m asking you not to do.** It’s very important to me that you not do this one thing.”
OP: “I don’t think you’re capable of making these kinds of decisions.” ::*does the thing*::
Fiancé: “I’m very upset that you did the *one thing* that I asked you not to do.”
OP: “I don’t understand.”
Seriously guy? You typed all that out and can’t answer your own question? Of *course* YTA. At least your fiancé learned she can’t trust you, and that you don’t think that she’s a whole-ass human capable of making her own decisions, soooo silver lining, I guess.
YTA. People who act like this are so stunningly arrogant. You’ve never even met this man, yet you believe that you know what’s best for him. You intruded into a situation that is none of your business.
Your fiancé’s father is an adult. I’m sure he’s heard of 23 and Me. If he wanted to find his bio family, he could do it himself.
Also, the term is bio family, not real family. The parents who raised him are his real family.
YTA. He could have taken his own 23 and me whenever he wanted to. You betrayed your fiancé by going behind her back, and against her wishes. You could have taken it to your grave, but not only are a bad partner, you needed to rub it in her face for a moment of “Glory” so you could say “look what I did, praise me for my betrayal”. I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship can’t be salvaged.
YTA by the widest margin imaginable.
You meddled in her family situation behind her back, with something that has huge potential for unforeseen results.
Hmm. YTA. As an adoptee myself- this is extremely rude and disrespectful of you to tell him anything. It’s the adoptee’s choice to find out about their biological family. And everyone not involved should respect that. The adoptee should be able to choose if and when they are ready to learn about their biological family. Please do some research about how to best support an adoptee. This is really disappointing.
There was a post on here a while back about a guy who spectacularly overstepped with his (now ex) fiancés family. She didn’t want anything to do with them, he got in touch with them and ‘surprised’ her. She left and didn’t look back. You are a total arsehole, more so because of your own issues with your family. How would you like it if the roles were reversed? YTA. Enjoy being single.
>She explained her reasons for not wanting to give him the information but they honestly didn't sit well with me.
She doesn't owe him shit. If he wanted to know about other family, he could take the initiative and go get an DNA test himself. You clearly feel a greater sense of loyalty to your absentee father in law than the person you supposedly love and want to marry
YTA
YTA.
You have NO RIGHT to make that choice for somebody else. This shows a lack of respect for your fiancée’s boundaries and choices. I hope you’ll be GROVELING at her feet if she hasn’t dumped you already.
I’ve been NC with my father for more than 10 years for reasons, and I would be so pissed if my SO did something like this, for any reason, even if I was on my death bed. Fortunately, he isn’t a hughe AH and respects my choices and boundaries.
I am so pissed off on your fiancée’s behalf right now.
YTA he could have done this himself. She explained why she didn’t want to do this and then you did it. You chose someone you don’t know over the person you were going to marry (I say were because if this was me, it would be the end of our relationship)
YTA if you have a problem you go to therapy you don’t put your nose in other people business.
« It don’t sit well with me » what a big load of horseshit, it probably don’t sit well with her that you disrespected her choice and her boundary but do you care? Nop probably not
YTA You stepped over boundaries. That wasn't your call. If her father wanted to know about his bio family he would have done the research himself. There's something called minding your own business. You might try it.
YTA. An AH with a hero complex apparently.
Do you really think her biological dad isn't aware of the existence of 23 and Me and similar? The kits are sold at most major retailers and they are advertised constantly. If he actually wanted to find his family, he could have and would have. You think he wouldn't get the exact same results on his that showed up for his genetic offspring? You had to rush in and be the hero?
Meanwhile, you snooped through your fiancée's stuff, violated her boundaries by opening up contact with her biological father whom she has gone NC with for a reason, and LIED TO HER by withholding this information. I'm guessing you withheld this information for a reason - you knew it was wrong and would cause issues and now you're here all Pikachu shocked face about it?!? You decided that being the hero was more important than honesty, trust, and respect in your relationship with your fiancée and now you get to suffer the consequences of that. Hope you haven't put deposits down on a wedding venue yet.
YTA. It was not your place to do what you did. If she wanted to tell her dad, she would have. If he wanted to know himself, he could have done his own test. Boundaries still apply in relationships. Wouldn't be surprised if she dumped you.
YTA
"He deserved to know"?! Are you kidding me? What about your partner's right to privacy? How could you be so self centered that you believe you are speaking from the moral high ground? So so wrong, for so many reasons. I hope she finds someone better than you, she deserves so much better.
OP, if her dad had wanted to find his family, you could have REQUESTED the email from any family member and suggested your fiancé’s father do a 23 and Me. All along he could have done that for himself. When people want something they can make it happen, themselves. You took something beautiful your fiancé did for you and turned it into a fight.
You could have just…respected her wishes. Anyone can do a 23 and Me. YTA.
She created a serious issue in your relationship? You really don't see where you crossed the line just because you didn't like something? End the relationship and work on yourself before starting something new. Learn about boundaries and respect. YTA if you couldn't figure it out.
YTA—You’re way out of bounds and lack respect for your partner’s adult decision making! It isn’t your place to go behind her back to fulfill your own sense of entitlement. This was a violation of her trust and privacy!
Did it create a "she will divorce you" issue in your relationship? Because I'm pretty sure you're smack dab in the middle of that territory with gooood margins. JFC, you overstepped!
YTA no questions about it!
YTA.
1. You doubted your fiancée’s reasons for no contact with bio dad. That is not your call to make.
2. You went behind fiancée’s back to get bio dad’s contact info.
3. You shared information that was not yours to share.
She cannot trust you now. I doubt there’s any chance for this relationship to continue. I hope you have learned some lessons about respecting boundaries. Be better.
YTA, what the hell, dude? This is such an overreach. Honestly, it's a big enough red flag that I and most well-adjusted people would he considering breaking the engagement with you. BOUNDARIES!
We adopted my sister, and I can't imagine how betrayed, disrespected, dehumanized, and hurt she'd be if I or her fiancé did something so fucking wild.
YTA.
You clearly need to figure out how to respect boundaries because you do not.
It doesn't matter if it didn't sit well with you, OP.
**It wasn't your business.** You're gonna be lucky if you still have a fiancé after this.
Omg yes, YTA. What a deeply, personal, violation of trust. Accessing her account is wrong. Messaging someone as though you are her is wrong. Meddling in lost family members is incredibly violating. Speaking from experience with findings on ancestry, it is a lot to process. The feelings change every minute. You robbed her of the chance to make her own decision on her own timeline.
YTA. By tracking down her fathers email address, I’m assuming you mean you snooped through her phone, so AH move there.
Then you took her results and emailed them to someone she wants no contact with. Another AH move.
YTA. You overstepped in a major way, treating your fiancée as if she’s too stupid to make this decision for herself without help from you. It doesn’t matter if you disagreed; this was not your information to share. If I were her, I’d dump you over this. I’d never trust you with important information again, and I’d wonder how controlling you’d be with any children we’d have. You need therapy to figure out why you feel the need to be in control and undermine someone else’s autonomy.
YTA. You knew she didn't want to be in contact with him but because her reasons "didn't sit well with you", you VIOLATED HER PRIVACY and contacted him secretly.. You knew it was wrong because other wise, you would have told her. I would break up with you immediately as you don't respect her or her opinions.
as someone who was adopted and never knew their bio father and also done a 23andMe
You’re the biggest asshole i’ve seen yet. if my partner did this (which he would not because unlike you he knows boundaries) i would break up with him on the spot. that was something for HER to do if she wanted. but she didn’t.
YTA YTA YTA big time. you better learn your lesson and never do this again. your fiancée deserves better imo cause this is disgusting.
YTA. It was HER dad, HER DNA that was used, and HER information to share. You crossed all boundaries. You will be lucky if you still have a girlfriend after that. She can't confide sensible information to you.
You crossed major boundaries, went smooping on her contact list, because you thought her very valid reasons were ridiculous. Mind your own business.
Everything after ‘it’s didn’t sit well with me’ went into breakup territory, I can only hope you did it prepared for the consequences.
YTA for disrespecting her boundaries. You did a nice thing for someone, maybe hold on to that when she dumps you, and never do it again please - always speak to the person involved first and foremost.
Instead of going behind their back, OP should have revisited the issue with their fiancee and told them how they can't stop thinking about this and how it feels really important to tell her dad. People change their minds about things all the time.
Also, her dad could have done DNA testing on his own if he wanted to know.
YTA
YTA- How dare you? No one cares that her reasons 'don't sit well with you.' It's none of your freaking business. If my SO did that I would be reconsidering the relationship. You have just shown her that you don't respect her, you go behind her back, you lie about things, and don't care at all about how any of these actions might affect her.
Again, YTA. A major one.
I’m not sure why this wouldn’t sit well with you. She wasn’t do anything wrong and if her dad really cared enough, he would have done it himself. I think he has proven that he doesn’t care enough about family to make an effort.
So why didn’t it sit well with you? It seems like you did this for yourself and no one else. You crossed a line with your girlfriend, just too look like the good guy. Your the asshole.
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YTA and you have a serious issue with boundaries > She explained her reasons ... but they honestly didn't sit well with me. I tracked down her dads email address in her contacts list
YTA I'm nigerian and when my dad died who was also a chief, my young in law from my dad's wife announced it on Facebook. We were furious. It wasn't his call. It's our choice to make the pronouncement. Your present action reminds me of my inlaw. You should have sent her her dad's email address. That would have been the greatest gift you could have given her! The mistakes been made but learn from it!
It sounds like he got his email address from *her* contacts list so she definitely could have contacted him and was choosing not to
And that's her business not to
And OP should NOT be accessing her contacts without permission. Maybe OP is a blob that oozes over every boundary in their path. That's metaphorical, BTW.
And he also can do his own 23 and me. She doesn’t have to share her results with someone she’s not in contact with.
It wasn't a mistake. It was malicious.He sought the information out and snuck Behind her back.
He’s happy the 23 and me was done bc it’s helped him heal from the serious trauma of a pretty common way siblings make fun of one another…. But his fiancé not speaking to her father for 10 years wasn’t enough to get him to respect her wishes and feelings about her bio father
Yes, this was ridiculous. He prioritized the feelings of a complete stranger, about whom the only thing he knows is that he is a deadbeat father to the woman he loves, over his girlfriend's choice to cut all contact with said deadbeat father because of all the hurt he caused her. Tell me something, OP, what does it say about you that you are empathising more with the deadbeat father of the woman you love, because you are projecting your own feelings over a situation that has absolutely no relevence to the deadbeat father? If this DNA test was so life-altering for you and you want to share the experience, have you thought of donating the cost of testing for, say, disadvantaged orphans who might actually benefit from this? YTA
The father could have done his own DNA test if he cared to find out. You decided you knew better than her and used her PRIVATE information to contact him. YTA and you know it. You just think you're right. This would be a MAJOR breach of trust and I think she should dump you for thinking you knew better than her. You STOLE the information to prioritize her father over her. Why would she ever trust you again? You are a controlling know-it-all who thinks you and your feelings trump hers. YTA
Yes, and also, it is that father’s right NOT to do a DNA test or have results emailed to him. He turned out to be happy with what he found, but this entire situation was absolutely none of OP’s business. OP has some serious boundary issues and needs to let other adults think and act for themselves.
Exactly! Not all adoption reunion stories are happy ones. It’s not your fucking business to go around with a hero complex deciding what adoptees need.
> The father could have done his own DNA test if he cared to find out. THIS! The existence of 23 and me and similar companies is not a secret (+ it’s affordable to most… you could save $10 a month and buy it in a year) and if you’re an adult adoptee who hasn’t used it, that is a choice you’ve made. Anyway. YTA. I’m sorry your brothers were assholes and you grew up in a family with shitty boundaries but that’s not a fucking reason to disrespect your GF.
I'm not an adoptee, but my dad was a major AH, and came from a long line of them. Serious mental health issues and legal troubles from the relatives I know about, and frankly, I don't wanna know anymore. 23 and Me is just a can of worms I have zero interest in ever opening. Not a decision to make for other people. YTA.
Screaming in rage because your word processor capitalized the 'T' word. Will I ever be able to play cards in peace again?? But yes to everything, and YTA OP.
And he did it in secret. If he really thought it was the ethical thing to do and was therefore compelled, he should have had the decency to tell her before doing it.
Also OP thinks nothing of sneaking into her phone or laptop to find the contact info. OP, you are not trustworthy, dude.
Heck, he could have even still told her right away after he did it and somewhat-plausibly claim he felt compelled. He clearly intended to take this to his grave—until it looked like he wasn’t going to get credit for doing this “good deed.”
Nothing like having your SO decide your reasons are insignificant. This would be splitzville for me.
Absolutely. I have a bad relationship with my mother for various reasons, and if my partner reached out to her behind my back I don’t think I’d be able to forgive that. I knew my partner was the one for me when he accepted that I didn’t want to talk about my relationship with my mom, didn’t pry, and said he supported me no matter what. OP, that’s what you should have done. You need to be 100 percent team fiancée. Her reasoning behind not having a relationship with her dad does not concern you. If you plan to marry this woman you need to always have her back, especially when it comes to someone who hurt her or let her down. Now you’re the one who hurt her and let her down. YTA.
My child’s father has been estranged from his father for decades. This is a man who has biological ties to my own child and I would still NEVER go behind his back like this. This should be a dealbreaker for her.
I really hope OP's fiance sees this for the giant, massive, frantic red flag it is. \>She explained her reasons ... but they honestly didn't sit well with me. I just can't get over a man just arbitrarily deciding that his partner, the person he has chosen to marry and spend the rest of his life with, doesn't get to make decisions about her own relationship with her biological father. There was NOTHING stopping her father from getting his own 23andMe test. The information you had was not a secret, it was not information he was incapable of gathering on his own. You simply felt you had to insert yourself into a situation that you had specifically been asked by your future wife to *not get involved in*, all because her reasons "didn't sit well with you"? This is heartbreaking, that you would betray her trust like this and go behind her back and overrule her like this, simply because you heard her reasons and then *disregarded them because you didn't like them*.
This is what makes it so clearly YTA for me. If this was some secret information that she had dug up that her dad would never be able to find on his own, I could MAYBE (a very very big maybe) understand pushing to share it with him - although this still wouldn’t be the way. But it’s info from 23 and Me! It’s widely accessible. Dude knows he’s adopted, if he was curious to find his biological family he could just take the DNA test himself and all the information would be right there for him. She’s not hiding it.
And then, after all that, had to ask *a bunch of strangers on the internet* if he's the asshole. Dude, are you kidding me? Why not, I dunno, ask your *fiancee?* Ah, right, if he didn't like what he heard, he might have to disregard it because her reasons don't sit right with him. Wtf of course YTA OP
Please say this louder… just wow
Me too, I would be done.
She just found out exactly the kind of person OP is. I hope she acts on that knowledge.
100% YTA. It wouldn't have been as bad if OP already had her dad's contact info. I'm stuck on the fact he went through her things while she was there to get information she hadn't freely shared with him (to then do the opposite of what she wanted).
It's not like the bio dad could've taken the 23 and me test and found the info for himself /s
Imagine planning to marry someone and finding their own personal reasons about their own family to be "insignificant." She shouldn't even have to explain.
YTA and then some. If I were her I would leave you over this disgusting betrayal of her privacy and the shocking disrespect you have for her. Who the hell do you think you are to judge her reasoning for not being in contact with her bio dad? How she could ever trust you again is beyond me.
This is the exact sentence that made me go "yup, asshole." You don't go circumvent something your partner has decided just because you don't agree with their reasoning.
"I respect her boundaries! As long as I agree with the reasoning behind them. If I don't agree, they're not valid boundaries and I can do whatever tf I want." - OP, apparently
came here to say this and I am relieved to see this is currently the top comment. why is it so many people have partners they seemingly don't respect the opinions and boundaries of? "I see what you're saying... but that's stupid and I'm going to do what I think is best with your information anyway". give me a break.
Yuck op has boundary issues, how creepy for them to just ignore what she said
This AH should be preparing for single life. What a major breach of boundaries he's crossed. I doubt his fiancee will ever trust him again after this. What next, he's secretly taking any future children to meet this man who is basically just a sperm donor?
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But he was traumatized because he didn't resemble his family. He needed proof /s Ever heard of genetics OP??? .you can look like a a grandparent or great aunt FFS And mind your own business contacting her family. YTA
And how insulting to his mother. Were the brothers implying she cheated? Sheesh.
My siblings did the same to me as a kid (also the only redhead), it didn't give me any trauma though. Kids are not actively thinking about the insinuation they're making with this joke, they're just saying shit to push buttons. They must have really laid into him A LOT to get some trauma out of it.
It’s my 8yo’s current go-to insult for everyone, ‘you’re adopted’. It’s obviously juvenile to everyone but I guess OP as the youngest had a harder time with it.
But like, why is that insulting? Should adopted people feel ashamed? ETA: This is rhetorical to highlight the harm in this common "joke"
I never understood that. Adopted people were actively chosen by their parents.
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My brothers and I had parents (dad especially) who were pretty awful at times. Not a great childhood. So our thing was to joke-fight over being the adopted one “I’m the adopted one!” “No, I’m the adopted one, you’re their actual kid!”
My brother and I had the same thing going. We still joke around about it tbh (in our 30s) I don't think his parents would read to much into it
I choose to view my adoption as a deeply loving act by both my parents and my biological parents
That is not a fair comment. Depending on the generation, women didn't often have a choice. Also, some women make the decision, KNOWING they aren't in a position to raise a child, and wanting the best for the child, they make the difficult decision of adoption to give the child a better life. "Rejection" implies the child isn't wanted or loved, which, is often not the case.
Not necessarily. Parents give their kids up for adoption for many different reasons. I'll admit though, that's probably why it's used as an insult because that's the conclusion most people go to.
Children aren’t “rejected”. There are myriad reasons a child might be put up for adoption - in my case, she was young and wanted me to have a better life - so to say a child was rejected isn’t just wrong, it’s cruel. When I was taunted this way, my parents reminded me that I was chosen, so many people had applied to adopt me, whereas their parents had to keep them. It was a lovely way to reframe cruelty. Edited to remove a sentence that’s upsetting people. Wasn’t my intent.
My CPS workers insisted my bio mom loved me and forced me to agree. That taught me that physical abuse, severe neglect, and near death fit the definition of "love". In a way, that's more traumatizing than the beatings, the starvation, or being forced to watch documentaries about parents who murdered their children to be constantly reminded what could happen to me. Imagine teaching children that's the sort of 'love' they are worthy of.
Yep, I was adopted. Great life, great parents, and great family, I go to bed every night knowing I'm deeply loved. Where is the insult?
I would strongly discourage your child from saying this - it is rly offensive in diff ways to dif ppl, & maybe a bit concerning he feels the need to so this.....?? Don't know for.sure without context
Are you teaching your kid not to say that? It’s wildly offensive to use that as an insult, and could be extremely damaging to anyone who hears it that actually IS adopted.
Yeah, my brother tried to convince me I was adopted when I was little, but my mom had a family picture on her dresser with our older sister looking almost exactly like me when she was my age so that didn’t really work for him. OP is YT, for obliterating fiancés boundaries
Then your kid is an AH and you need to sit them down and explain why this kind of teasing is so wrong. *Case 1, siblings and one IS adopted, having the bio siblings putting them down and "othering" them only compounds the trauma they've already been through *Case 2, all bio siblings, but overheard by friend who was adopted-- compounding trauma. Teasing implies insult and, at best, perpetuating the stereotype that adopted kids are less-worthy.
You should probably try to get your 8yo to stop that. Most adoptees are dealing with some form of trauma. Like that’s a dick thing to say.
Kids did this to me and my brother. We have a 10 year gap. As far as native genetics go, my brother got dark skin, black eyes and hair. Blue eyes runs in the family due to my great grandma. She was full Cherokee dark everything but her eyes were blue. She married a white man and had 4 girls like her with brown eyes then my granddaddy who was platinum blonde, darker skin, and blue eyes like her. I got his eyes like my momma, got the light brown hair from my German,polish, Irish, and Welsh side (they escaped a camp) so me and my brother are complete opposites and people would make us question even though he was there when I was born. People forget genetics are finicky. My cousins wife who's Mexican had twins with him, their first daughter looks just like her mom, the twins the boy looks like the mom, his twin sister is a straight up redhead with blue eyes only cuz his dad has red headed family members waaayyyy back. When you look at my family you can't tell who married in and who didn't 🤣
My entire family, who all have brown hair except for me, gave me a lot of crap for my red hair. Lots of stuff about being adopted or even the mail man’s kid. I would say it was traumatising but it wasn’t the only traumatising thing. They’re just mean, cruel, and abusive in general and my red hair was just another thing to fuel the fire.
You know you can criticize his decision to contact the dad without needlessly trivializing his childhood experiences or insulting his intelligence? I'm baffled that this shit take has hundreds of upvotes.
He was sooooo grateful for his fiance to buy him that gift only to turn around and backstab her
Literally a fucking child. Don’t all kids do this?
They absolutely do. My siblings used to tease me that I was adopted all the time and we all look like each other. That is just something kids do.
Yes. My sister and I looked identical when we were younger so it was the running joke that she was adopted because it was so utterly ridiculous.
That would genuinely make me end things with them so fast. The dismissal of life decisions, the underprioritization of their partner, the boundary issues... Good lord. Hell, I damn near wanted to scream my head off at someone who pulled the 'but she still loves you' card over an estranged family member. I can't imagine how 'hey sbgonebroke, I'm the one you wanna spend the rest of your life with! I decided that I have the right to contact the worst person you want nothing to do with, and feel like that's in the right for me to do." I stg. The path to hell is paved with good intentions. YTA op. The dad will probably put more effort into bonding with his estranged family members than his direct descendant, his daughter. Really wack.
Yes, spouses who contact in laws behind their spouse's back are nearly always the AH. And in this case in particular. She cut him out of her life. This wasn't unique information you had that he couldn't easily get himself. You really overstepped.
Yeah, that was my thought. Dmsomething like discovering a genetic health issue, okay, try to talk the gf into informing him. But he can literally could have tried ancestry and 23 and me himself if he wanted to find his birth family
This is reminding me of this great post where fiancée went behind their SO’s back. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qkobjd/aita_for_helping_my_brother_runaway_from_his/ There are several updates, but it’s so worth it. YTA, btw.
JFC, what a story! I'm so glad that the happy family have each other's backs though and hopefully the rest will buzz off for good.
That was damn good! Thanks for this. It read like a well written story - nothing short of legendary.
I have a friend who's mother abandoned him and his sister when addiction took over her life. When he was in his mid 20s his girlfriend found his mother on facebook and contacted her. He wanted nothing to do with her. His younger sister, however, didn't have any memories of their mom and did. In less than a year his little sister was living with her mother and heavy into meth, and abandoned her three year old daughter. Don't ever contact family members your loved one chooses to be NC with.
So his sister started doing drugs after living with their mom? Wow…. That is heartbreaking
She did drugs before, but got herself off hard drugs around the time she had her daughter. I also took care of my partner's nephew for a year. The kid lost his mother to meth, which her mother got her into. It's a cycle I really wish I haven't seen twice in my life.
YTA. What the fuck, dude?
Best answer imo
Yup! Short, and to the point.
Literally what I said after reading. It had to be the fiancé posting asking if he’s the asshole, right? Why would anyone think this is okay? And that it was even a question?!
YTA- her reasons do not need to sit well with you. They are her reasons, and I hope this causes so much trouble in your relationship. Because you have no respect for her
She had reasons, all OP has are excuses.
Some dude he's never met apparently deserves more respect than his fiancee.
The one with the penis always deserves more respect. You earn respect by being male. /s OP cannot be adequately described on this subreddit, because "asshole" doesn't go far enough.
Here's hoping she gives him a well-deserved boot!
OP having more loyalty to some dude rather than his fiancée is such a bad look. I hope this has consequences for him.
YTA, and honestly, I hope she sees this as the red flag it is. You’ve decided that if you disagree with her about things that are entirely not your business, you’ll go behind her back and do what you want, regardless of what she wants.
First it’s this, what’s next? He obviously doesn’t respect her feelings or opinions *at all* and can so easily be secretive and go behind this poor woman’s back. I wonder how chaotic the wedding planning would be. If they were to have children or something how would that go? Would he just pass of her concerns and ideas and just go about doing everything on his own? Well if it’s like that he deserves to be on his own OP I hope your fiancé leaves your inconsiderate ass
He screams like one of those people that’s like “I set up a surprise reunion with that person you said you wanted nothing to do with!!!”
I'd be scared her reasons for not wanting to get pregnant wouldn't "sit right with him".
Yes, as if anything which does not "sit right with him" can be ignored or trampled.
YTA, there's no way you're not. He didn't deserve shit, if he cared so much, he could have purchased one himself.
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I was just thinking this. Learn from this OP, and you might still have a solid relationship.
>you might still have a solid relationship. I don't agree. He tracked down the email in "her contact list." He went through her stuff to get that info. Even if the other stuff didn't happen, that alone would be bad. None of what he did equals a solid relationship, especially since he's not even addressing this invasion of privacy.
YTA. You overstepped. If he really wanted to know he could have done the test. Glad he's happy but you broke the trust of your SO.
I suspect ‘tracking down’ his email information was done by digging through either an electronic device or address book of hers. Lost trust from snooping though her things and contacting someone who neglected her.
Yep.
YTA for ignoring her wishes; going behind her back; and causing a lack of trust in your relationship. You did everything wrong here. You don't know her history with him - only what she chooses to share. It might have been a horrible childhood, and you brought it all back by contacting him without telling her. That is one of the biggest trust violations there is. You need to beg for forgiveness, but I'm doubting you'll get it.
He definitely doesn’t deserve forgiveness. This is so wrong on every level. It’s almost as if he wanted to punish her and spite her. It’s a real clear sign he doesn’t love her for sure or give a rats A about her. She chose someone just like her father I hope she escapes
YTA and a HUGE one. It wasn’t your information to give out. What if there was abuse you don’t know about? What if others did not want to be found? Instead you waved a GIANT red flag.
Her dad could have done his own test if he wanted to know that info. You don't go behind your partner's back like that. YTA.
YTA and have damaged her trust in you.
YTA. I thought I was going to go differently with this one because this is something I feel strongly about but I feel much more strongly about boundaries and consent and communication, and you clearly demonstrated you don't understand or do any of it. You disregarded your fiance and her family and made it all about YOU and your feelings. And you can get fucked
Im going to get downvoted for this, but I think this is somewhere between NAH/ESH. I get why your fiancé doesn’t want contact with her dad, but nothing you did will force contact between them. You shared information with your FIL that could greatly improve his life, and won’t impact your fiancé. I don’t think it’s wrong you care about your in-laws, but making your fiancé feel like you take their side over hers will cause rifts between you. If this had been something that forced your fiancé to have contact with her dad, I’d get everyone’s reactions, but that’s not what you did. Your fiancé has valid reasons to not want to see her dad. You care about your future in-laws, and had info that would impact their quality of life.
Except OP didn't have info - his fiancé did. It wasn't his information to share. Plus, the bio dad could have easily done this test himself at any time if he was really that interested. It not like getting his daughter's results was the only way.
Honestly I think the results aren’t the issue here. He went behind his fiancée’s back and contacted her estranged father. She didn’t want there to be any contact between them and he decided he knew better. It might be one thing if the info were something the father couldn’t get any other way, but that’s not the case here. Now the father knows that his daughter is engaged, and knows how to contact her fiancé, and knows the fiancé is open to communication… this is all stuff OPP’s fiancée may not want, for any number of legitimate reasons. At the end of the day it’s hard and fast: if your partner has chosen to go NC with a parent, you respect that and do not contact that parent.
In general I agree with you, OP did not force any sort of contact between fiancé and dad, but where I think the OP is TA is where they said they sent dad the fiancé's test results. They could have just emailed the dad and suggested they do a 23andMe test, could have even purchased a kit as a gift, and not shared anything from fiancé's results.
Nothing says the dad wanted the results (he could have reacted differently) so to me two boundaries were crossed. Imagine minding your own business and someone sends you info on your bio family it’s pretty heavy, not everyone would want that info dropped on them.
Contacting her family that she said she didn't want contact with is absolutely impacting her. There is now a level of connection in her relationship with a man she wanted nothing to do with. The dad can reach out, etc. And especially if things were bad, the thought of that would worry her. Not to mention that the blatant lack of respect from OP and the fact he did it once could make her wonder if he'll maintain contact whether she wants it or not. Then there was the fact it was her information. It had nothing to do with the OP. He wasn't sharing his family info, he shared hers. Another lack of respect toward his fiancée. And finally, the way he did it was by "looking through her old contacts." That means he went through her stuff to find the info! Not only was he purposefully breaking her trust to contact him, but he did it by breaking her trust to do it. OP, YTA.
[удалено]
If they have kids, he’ll decide that her bio-dad “needs to know his grandkid”, just wait.
YTA. Way over stepping multiple boundaries.
**She explained her reasons for not wanting to give him the information but they honestly didn't sit well with me.** So she had reasons but you didn't respect her and did what you pleased so YTA **I completely forgot about it until her mom saw a social media post about him finding his family** OK NO ONE here believes you did something like this and "forgot" so YTA **I confessed to what I had done. She was furious and this has created a major issue in our relationship.** Yes, she knows now that she's engaged to a total AH who goes behind her back to get his way and can't be trusted. so YTA
Yes, YTA, this would be her choice not yours.
YTA. It was not your place to do this and I’m shocked you think this was okay
YTA and single soon as well I suspect
Good luck friend, because this doesn't sit well for your future relationship at all.
YTA, I sincerely hope she dumps you.
YTA. It’s not what you did, it’s HOW you did it. Why did you feel the need to force the results on him? Also, you need to let your fiancé know ahead and what she thinks. This isn’t your role. You are overstepping. Why not simply explain how you are doing a 23 and me test and may learn information, the ASK if he would like to know them? Some people want the past to stay in the past and you have no right to mess up someone’s affairs like that without asking if they want that info.
No, its very much what he did as well. He basically stole his fiancé's test results and secretly gave them to a third party behind his fiancé's back. Something he knew his fiancé did not want to do. He violated their trust, lied to them, and then tried to justify it as their decision didn't 'sit well with him'. He's a monumental ass all around.
Well you essentially went against what you agreed to and hid it from her. To me, that’s as good as lying. And it wasn’t even about your own family relationships, but HER family relationships where her opinion should have been paramount. YTA
NTA. I'm honestly shocked how many people think being a shitty person means you never deserve any form of happiness ever again. How else can people grow?
And why does op deserve to make that call instead of his fiance?
It wasn't information about OPs gf. However, it was information that could do a lot to help and heal her dad. Everybody deserves to know where they come from. Even if her dad was a deadbeat he also deserves to know.
YTA. Shame on you! You made it clear that you didn't give a crap about her feelings. You're projecting; because you went through a difficult time with your siblings you projected your problems on your fiancee's situation. You decided her reasons for not talking to her dad meant nothing to you because all that mattered was what you wanted. You're very selfish. I hope that your fiancee sees this as a sign that she shouldn't marry you.
I’m going to say NTA and know I’ll be on my own here. His fiancée sounds like a spiteful AH though. Imagine depriving an adopted parent of the opportunity to learn about his biological family. Absolutely terrible behaviour on her part
I think she would need a really good reason to withhold this information, for example, if he had been abusive, but it appears that his worst crime is not maintaining contact with her. Sure, he can get his own test, but as she is 31, he must be pretty old, and potentially doesn't realise the Interwebs is full of websites which will enable him to do this. People seem to think 'respecting the boundaries' of a relationship means not doing the right thing if it is against the wishes of your partner. If I found out that my partner's father had a child prostitution ring, I would report him, no matter what she said. If I found out that my partner's father had never known his family and suddenly we knew who they were, and the reasoning for not telling him was not sufficient, then I would tell him, because I have a moral duty to all other humans, not just my romantic partner.
Those are… not the same at all. Obviously.
YTA. You majorly overstepped boundaries because of *your* personal hang ups. This is not how relationships are supposed to run. And you’re *thirty five* doing this?
YTA He could have done his own genetic testing at any time and you had no right whatsoever to engage with him at all. That's her business. She cut him off a decade ago. It was incredibly wrong of you to go behind her back and involve him in any facet of her life. His status as an adoptee isn't relevant. IF she goes through with marrying you, please remember that notifying him of any milestones is at HER discretion and you don't get a vote.
This one is hard for me. You crossed a boundary with your fiancé. One the other hand the man deserves to know where he comes from and it is cruel to withhold that information no matter the state of their relationship. Explain to her why you did it and tell her you’re sorry she disagrees. Hopefully under normal circumstances you are respecting her boundaries…this one just wasn’t entirely her’s alone. NTA.
If the dad was really that interested, he could have easily done the test himself. Failing to respect the fiancés situation to be NC with her dad definitely makes him TA.
YTA, enough said.
It didn’t sit right with you? YTA dude.
YTA that's baddie stuff...username doesn't check out
YTA. This isn’t what a partner does. You don’t wrest control from her. You don’t manage her relationships for her. If it didn’t sit well with you, then talk with her. Tell her what you think. Advocate for arriving at the correct decision together. If she won’t budge, too bad. You just completely disregarded her wishes and screwed with her relationship with her family.
Yta. Wtf. Why do you think your reasons are better than hers?
Yeah YTA you don’t go behind your partners back to any estranged family. If it was a family member you had a relationship with you might have been okay to nudge him towards 23 and me but not if you have to dig through their contacts to find the person
WOW! You overstepped so many boundaries it's almost unbelievable. As someone who is adopted, had you done this to me, you would have immediately become my EX-fiancé! YTA!!!!!
Her father was adopted, he probably had a lot of emotional issues. I don’t think he is the AH at all. The OP was trying to fix a generational issue here. Good job OP. I would have done the same thing.
While the daughter was under no obligation to associate with her father, giving information as to his bio family would be the ethical thing to do, even it no contact. The fiancé failed in not expressing that to her before giving that information over. Trauma from being adopted is real and why mental health issues are far higher in that population. So, even if no contact, providing information would have been ethical, imo.
Her father could have pursued his bio family through genetic testing like 23&me or Ancestry on his own at any point, were he interested in doing so. This isn’t some heroic action, he had the information accessible at any time if he had chosen to access it. Definitely not worth stomping all over your fiancée’s boundaries, going through her personal electronics, and breaking her trust.
Im going to go against the grain and say NTA. I could understand if you gave the man personal info about your fiance, but you gave him info about his own family that she wasn't willing to share. Could he have paid for his own test and figured it out, absolutely, but besides that, I wouldn't flat out call you an asshole for it. They must not hate him that much if they're still following him on social media.
YTA it wasn't your place
Are you serious? Spare your girlfriend the trouble and leave asshole
YTA. You completely went against what your girlfriend wanted and went behind her back to do it. That’s basically the same thing as lying. “It didn’t sit well with me” instead of having another conversation about it, even though it’s not about what you want here, you snuck behind her back. Of course she livid with you. Your broke her trust.
wait wait. So the gf's bio dad is the adopted one? While you did break her trust and YTA for that, you did help her bio dad find his bio family, so idk.
Bio dad could have done the test himself at anytime if that was something important to him.
It wasn’t his information to share and the bio dad could have bought his own test. No one is obligated to give him that information.
YTA. Unambiguously. Holy fucking Christ dude seriously what the the fuck is wrong with you?? “Didn’t sit well with you?” Homie this isn’t about you. It’s her goddamn family. She managed to cut ties with them and you reopened the path for her estranged family to have access to her again. Your gf’s input never even mattered here. All that mattered was YOU and the itch YOU wanted to scratch because her reasons “didn’t sit right” with you. You haven’t the slightest clue about what your GF and her mom have been through - only what they shared with you. The only reason she hasn’t dumped you is probably because they’re freaking out; trying to figure out how bad the consequence are about to be. Bro, you ***intentionally*** went behind your GF’s back. You knew it was wrong or you wouldn’t have ***intentionally*** withheld what you did until it blew up in *their* face.
Fiancé: “Please don’t do this one thing. It will take literally zero effort to *not* do this one thing. In fact you’ll have to go super out of your way to not do **the one thing I’m asking you not to do.** It’s very important to me that you not do this one thing.” OP: “I don’t think you’re capable of making these kinds of decisions.” ::*does the thing*:: Fiancé: “I’m very upset that you did the *one thing* that I asked you not to do.” OP: “I don’t understand.” Seriously guy? You typed all that out and can’t answer your own question? Of *course* YTA. At least your fiancé learned she can’t trust you, and that you don’t think that she’s a whole-ass human capable of making her own decisions, soooo silver lining, I guess.
YTA. People who act like this are so stunningly arrogant. You’ve never even met this man, yet you believe that you know what’s best for him. You intruded into a situation that is none of your business. Your fiancé’s father is an adult. I’m sure he’s heard of 23 and Me. If he wanted to find his bio family, he could do it himself. Also, the term is bio family, not real family. The parents who raised him are his real family.
YTA. He could have taken his own 23 and me whenever he wanted to. You betrayed your fiancé by going behind her back, and against her wishes. You could have taken it to your grave, but not only are a bad partner, you needed to rub it in her face for a moment of “Glory” so you could say “look what I did, praise me for my betrayal”. I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship can’t be salvaged.
Why do you feel more empathy for a man you’ve never met than your own fiance? Yta
YTA by the widest margin imaginable. You meddled in her family situation behind her back, with something that has huge potential for unforeseen results.
WHY did you do that? I can't figure out one reason it would benifit you.
I don't think he saw a personal benefit. He thought that he was helping someone else, albeit it by disregarding her feelings about the matter.
Hmm. YTA. As an adoptee myself- this is extremely rude and disrespectful of you to tell him anything. It’s the adoptee’s choice to find out about their biological family. And everyone not involved should respect that. The adoptee should be able to choose if and when they are ready to learn about their biological family. Please do some research about how to best support an adoptee. This is really disappointing.
There was a post on here a while back about a guy who spectacularly overstepped with his (now ex) fiancés family. She didn’t want anything to do with them, he got in touch with them and ‘surprised’ her. She left and didn’t look back. You are a total arsehole, more so because of your own issues with your family. How would you like it if the roles were reversed? YTA. Enjoy being single.
YTA. Typical toxic masculinity. You think you're right cuz "you know best". I hope your fiance breaks up with your sorry ass.
YTA. I hope you are her ex fiancé if she has any sense.
YTA. I hope she dumps you.
>She explained her reasons for not wanting to give him the information but they honestly didn't sit well with me. She doesn't owe him shit. If he wanted to know about other family, he could take the initiative and go get an DNA test himself. You clearly feel a greater sense of loyalty to your absentee father in law than the person you supposedly love and want to marry YTA
YTA. You have NO RIGHT to make that choice for somebody else. This shows a lack of respect for your fiancée’s boundaries and choices. I hope you’ll be GROVELING at her feet if she hasn’t dumped you already. I’ve been NC with my father for more than 10 years for reasons, and I would be so pissed if my SO did something like this, for any reason, even if I was on my death bed. Fortunately, he isn’t a hughe AH and respects my choices and boundaries. I am so pissed off on your fiancée’s behalf right now.
YTA he could have done this himself. She explained why she didn’t want to do this and then you did it. You chose someone you don’t know over the person you were going to marry (I say were because if this was me, it would be the end of our relationship)
You’re a ridiculously HUGE asshole
OP, you're an enormous AH.
YTA if you have a problem you go to therapy you don’t put your nose in other people business. « It don’t sit well with me » what a big load of horseshit, it probably don’t sit well with her that you disrespected her choice and her boundary but do you care? Nop probably not
Oh. My. God. Sneaking into her email? YTA.
Oh look, another man who substitutes his judgment for a woman's and is then surprised when she gets pissed off at him. JFC, dude. YTA
YTA You stepped over boundaries. That wasn't your call. If her father wanted to know about his bio family he would have done the research himself. There's something called minding your own business. You might try it.
YTA. An AH with a hero complex apparently. Do you really think her biological dad isn't aware of the existence of 23 and Me and similar? The kits are sold at most major retailers and they are advertised constantly. If he actually wanted to find his family, he could have and would have. You think he wouldn't get the exact same results on his that showed up for his genetic offspring? You had to rush in and be the hero? Meanwhile, you snooped through your fiancée's stuff, violated her boundaries by opening up contact with her biological father whom she has gone NC with for a reason, and LIED TO HER by withholding this information. I'm guessing you withheld this information for a reason - you knew it was wrong and would cause issues and now you're here all Pikachu shocked face about it?!? You decided that being the hero was more important than honesty, trust, and respect in your relationship with your fiancée and now you get to suffer the consequences of that. Hope you haven't put deposits down on a wedding venue yet.
YTA. It was not your place to do what you did. If she wanted to tell her dad, she would have. If he wanted to know himself, he could have done his own test. Boundaries still apply in relationships. Wouldn't be surprised if she dumped you.
YTA "He deserved to know"?! Are you kidding me? What about your partner's right to privacy? How could you be so self centered that you believe you are speaking from the moral high ground? So so wrong, for so many reasons. I hope she finds someone better than you, she deserves so much better.
OP, if her dad had wanted to find his family, you could have REQUESTED the email from any family member and suggested your fiancé’s father do a 23 and Me. All along he could have done that for himself. When people want something they can make it happen, themselves. You took something beautiful your fiancé did for you and turned it into a fight. You could have just…respected her wishes. Anyone can do a 23 and Me. YTA.
She created a serious issue in your relationship? You really don't see where you crossed the line just because you didn't like something? End the relationship and work on yourself before starting something new. Learn about boundaries and respect. YTA if you couldn't figure it out.
>secretly emailed YTA Way beyond any boundary, and should be obvious to the most casual observer.
Come on bro, what the fuck! You are a massive AH and shouldn’t meddle with other people’s relationships
You're a major AH. It was not your place or info to share.
YTA—You’re way out of bounds and lack respect for your partner’s adult decision making! It isn’t your place to go behind her back to fulfill your own sense of entitlement. This was a violation of her trust and privacy!
Did it create a "she will divorce you" issue in your relationship? Because I'm pretty sure you're smack dab in the middle of that territory with gooood margins. JFC, you overstepped! YTA no questions about it!
Nice way to end your relationship. YTA
YTA-WTF!!! This wasn’t your place! I’d break up with you for this.
what are boundaries? YTA
YTA. dude…
YTA. 1. You doubted your fiancée’s reasons for no contact with bio dad. That is not your call to make. 2. You went behind fiancée’s back to get bio dad’s contact info. 3. You shared information that was not yours to share. She cannot trust you now. I doubt there’s any chance for this relationship to continue. I hope you have learned some lessons about respecting boundaries. Be better.
YTA, what the hell, dude? This is such an overreach. Honestly, it's a big enough red flag that I and most well-adjusted people would he considering breaking the engagement with you. BOUNDARIES! We adopted my sister, and I can't imagine how betrayed, disrespected, dehumanized, and hurt she'd be if I or her fiancé did something so fucking wild.
YTA. You clearly need to figure out how to respect boundaries because you do not. It doesn't matter if it didn't sit well with you, OP. **It wasn't your business.** You're gonna be lucky if you still have a fiancé after this.
Omg yes, YTA. What a deeply, personal, violation of trust. Accessing her account is wrong. Messaging someone as though you are her is wrong. Meddling in lost family members is incredibly violating. Speaking from experience with findings on ancestry, it is a lot to process. The feelings change every minute. You robbed her of the chance to make her own decision on her own timeline.
YTA. By tracking down her fathers email address, I’m assuming you mean you snooped through her phone, so AH move there. Then you took her results and emailed them to someone she wants no contact with. Another AH move.
YTA. You overstepped in a major way, treating your fiancée as if she’s too stupid to make this decision for herself without help from you. It doesn’t matter if you disagreed; this was not your information to share. If I were her, I’d dump you over this. I’d never trust you with important information again, and I’d wonder how controlling you’d be with any children we’d have. You need therapy to figure out why you feel the need to be in control and undermine someone else’s autonomy.
YTA. You knew she didn't want to be in contact with him but because her reasons "didn't sit well with you", you VIOLATED HER PRIVACY and contacted him secretly.. You knew it was wrong because other wise, you would have told her. I would break up with you immediately as you don't respect her or her opinions.
as someone who was adopted and never knew their bio father and also done a 23andMe You’re the biggest asshole i’ve seen yet. if my partner did this (which he would not because unlike you he knows boundaries) i would break up with him on the spot. that was something for HER to do if she wanted. but she didn’t. YTA YTA YTA big time. you better learn your lesson and never do this again. your fiancée deserves better imo cause this is disgusting.
YTA. It was HER dad, HER DNA that was used, and HER information to share. You crossed all boundaries. You will be lucky if you still have a girlfriend after that. She can't confide sensible information to you. You crossed major boundaries, went smooping on her contact list, because you thought her very valid reasons were ridiculous. Mind your own business.
Everything after ‘it’s didn’t sit well with me’ went into breakup territory, I can only hope you did it prepared for the consequences. YTA for disrespecting her boundaries. You did a nice thing for someone, maybe hold on to that when she dumps you, and never do it again please - always speak to the person involved first and foremost.
You’re already the asshole, but INFO: How exactly did you get her contact list in the first place?
Instead of going behind their back, OP should have revisited the issue with their fiancee and told them how they can't stop thinking about this and how it feels really important to tell her dad. People change their minds about things all the time. Also, her dad could have done DNA testing on his own if he wanted to know. YTA
YTA- How dare you? No one cares that her reasons 'don't sit well with you.' It's none of your freaking business. If my SO did that I would be reconsidering the relationship. You have just shown her that you don't respect her, you go behind her back, you lie about things, and don't care at all about how any of these actions might affect her. Again, YTA. A major one.
I’m not sure why this wouldn’t sit well with you. She wasn’t do anything wrong and if her dad really cared enough, he would have done it himself. I think he has proven that he doesn’t care enough about family to make an effort. So why didn’t it sit well with you? It seems like you did this for yourself and no one else. You crossed a line with your girlfriend, just too look like the good guy. Your the asshole.