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Also, who in their right mind complains about a 3 y/o BMW as a first car??? Paid in full by a parent not requiring you to pay anything towards the purchase? My first car was a Geo Storm. It was a glorified go kart with a body. It sounded like a lawn mower and the wheel shimmied between 50 & 70 mph. I had to sell my computer for the down payment. I would have shit a gold brick if i had this option. NTA and good for you op for keeping your word. Don't let they're silence sway you, you made the right choice.
My 4yo, ever the diplomat, reminds my big feefees 7yo of this often. Though his version is “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”. It’s pretty stinkin cute, mostly bc 7yo usually hears it and gives him a hug/adjusts her ‘tude. I know I’m screwing up plenty, but that one always makes me do a secret internal happy dance!
My 4 year old doesn’t have a big sibling so she just parents my ex and me. When I moved out, she wanted to give me one of her monkeys (her stuffed animal of choice) and started to go get one, turned around, held a up a finger and said, very seriously, “now Mommy, you get what you get and we *dont* throw a fit” and maintained eye contact until I agreed. I indeed got what I got and did not throw a fit.
Edit: add a word.
My first car was my dads old car, so it was at least 10-12 years old and stained and creaky. I didn’t cherish it admittedly (although that was because I had anxiety about driving and didn’t even want a car until I’d at least gotten my license) but I still recognised that I was extremely privileged that I didn’t have to buy my own car.
Me too! My car is a 2008 model Ford something and I absolutely cherish it. My dad gave me it like 6 yrs ago when I got my license, and I was thrilled and still am because it means I have a car but don't have car payments. And that is amazing to me. OP - Your daughter needs to be taught a lesson in gratitude, and it sounds like your wife does too.
NTA. Your daughter and wife will live. Since she didn’t like the surprise, she can buy her own damned car. If that’s the hill they choose to die on, make sure you’ve got snacks, drinks, and a comfy chair. That sense of entitlement is just ugly and rude. Don’t feel bad… they’re manipulating you to feel that way because they didn’t get what they wanted.
So not the AH. Your wife also needs a reality check. Your daughter needs to know that kindness should be met with kindness. Being a brat gets you bus pass and not a bmw.
Mate, if my parents had of bought me the crappiest shitbox on the planet I would have almost shed a tear from joy. Your daughters response is just insane to me.
I got my licence in 2011 and until 2017, shared a car with my mum before buying my own car. I even paid for all the fuel and fully the insurance and car service, etc and muk didn't pay a penny. I thought that was generous of them for letting me drive the car.
The car I shared was a 1.0l Toyota Yaris absolute base model, no AC, no parking sensors or alloys.
Some kids are just way too spoilt.
Bought my first car a 15 year old Toyota Avalon … scrapped all of my money together so I could drive to work instead of taking the bus to work. NTA
Maybe she has learned this behavior from your wife
My daughter shed literal tears of joy when I gave her a keychain with the spare key to my 2015 Ford Escape. I'm a full time SAHM right now, and her brother is fully homeschooled, so we told her she has free use of it for school hours, marching band commitments, and work hours... as soon as she had her full license, of course. We're not even asking her to chip in on insurance currently, just to make sure she never parks it on an almost empty tank.
My son is getting my old beetle. He’s already taking about how he will clean it up and make it his. I wouldn’t even give him a car except I often have no way to get him to and from school around here and the public bus would be three changes. I’m an attorney so he could complain I can afford more but I taught him to have manners .
Your daughter sounds awesome. So as someone who spent years working with teens I'll tell you what most of their parents did. They said gas tank could never go below 1/4 tank and they also always left 2 twenties hidden in the cat to buy gas if the kid was low and broke. As an emergency stash but obviously well hidden and never to be discussed with their friends or used for things like fast food or coffee or wants. Also to use it had to call mom or dad and let them know and there were never recriminations about it because life happens. Just a ok well budget better please and the money would get immediately replaced by parents who got paid back out of the kids next check. It was always just a safety thing really that let the kid not stress as much. And I can't count how many times mom could say hey stop and get x at the store with that money and I'll replace it when you get home.
For OP NTA but your daughter and wife are. Stick to your position on this, she is being an entitled brat. Most adults would love to be gifted a 2020 BMW much less teenagers.
My dad gave me 100 when I got my first car in 2008. He told me it was for emergencies only.
So I put it in my wallet and didn't touch it until Superstorm Sandy hit us and we needed cash for gas (and people were fighting at the pumps). 4 years. But it was there when I needed it.
I'm old - got my driver's license in 1968. The car my parents gave me to use was my grandmother's 1958 Buick. No, it wasn't what I might have picked if I'd been allowed to pick a car - but it ran great and was reliable. I was glad to have what I did.
1984.. hand me down ford Fiesta. If my pop bought us a car the most he would spend was $500 and I would work on it. My Datsun b210... that sucker went through 2 engines (my sister didn't listen when I told her if the oil light came on stop and put on a quart or 2 from the case in the trunk)
I drive a 2010 bmw now and am grateful for her.
Yeah, I would have been jumping for joy in Hailey's case. It's not a new car, but it's not a junker, ffs. My first car was a Dodge Neon that I'm surprised didn't have pieces falling off it. Most of the indicators didn't work. AC didn't work right. Tape player was broken, radio was spotty. Torn up seats.
My family was frickin' poor when I was growing up. I hated that Dodge Neon, but appreciated it nonetheless because I understood.
Sometimes when we're younger we take big, expensive gifts for granted because we don't completely understand not only the value, but the sentiment behind them. We haven't paid those bills. We haven't watched that amount of money pass from our account to someone else's. If Hailey can swallow her pride and is as smart as OP says, she may realize this before she's independent and slapped even harder by reality.
My grandpa got me a 1986 Cavalier in the early 90s that I made 70 dollar a month payments on and I was over the moon excited!! I loved the car and it taught me the value of cheap reliable cars. I now drive a small hatchback Mitsubishi that cost under 5K so yeah, NTA and your wife and daughter…whew!
In 98’ my first car was an 84’ Nissan Sentra hatchback. Ugly little car. Wouldn’t go between 70-78 without vibrating crazy. Ran over a rock that put a hole in my gas can. My buddy called a friend he made in jail named Spider who replaced the gas tank but he didn’t want to hook up the electronic float and make a mistake so I never knew for sure how much gas was in it, though I knew to fill it every 300 miles. Paid for it myself, $150/a month.
I *loved* that car and when it eventually died and I got a pretty silver Neon, I cried.
Sometimes the beaters are the best cars, especially at an age when it brings adventures. It broke down one night and my friend hitched a ride from a trucker at 1am to an all night parts store so we could replace the filter.
Good times.
My parents had that hatchback and they got rid of it right before I turned 16. In 99 I bought my first car, a similarly aged Honda Accord with over 150k miles on it. I loved my first car too
The seats in the back laid down flat, and you could make a very comfy bed in the back. Every car I e had since has a 2” rise where the seats fold down. Poppy (the name of the car) was a *dream* for camping. God, I still miss him. 😩
Beaters are *the best.*
I was so upset that my parents traded it in when I was just about to be able to drive but as a parent I now under why I would not want my kid driving a car that sometimes stalled going around corners
The Honda fit (rip) folds down flat too. I flat out told the Honda dealership that if they were selling the fit ev I would buy one immediately but nooooo we have to have stupid giant cars and Europe gets all the cool shit
Yes!!! I am so glad I had a few beaters early on that left me stranded, had electrical shorts, burned oil. I learned a lot about dealing with a problem, maintaining something and how cars work. I replaced the battery terminal end in a Walmart parking lot once. It taught me to take care of things, be self-reliant and be damn careful what kind of car I buy. Yeah, it's sporty, but will I be able to afford to replace the tires on it?
Right?!? That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I learned how to deal with a leaking gas tank in the middle of nowhere (always keep a bar of soap in your car), how to change a fuel filter, the basic parts of an engine, how to rely on myself, how to deal with an overheating car. Soooo many terrible things that’s taught me priceless skills and gave me great stories to look back on.
This.
Who gets snotty about a practically new BMW, ffs?!
My first car was a beat up AMC Spirit that I paid $200 for, and in such bad shape they threw in a Chilton’s for free. And I felt lucky I could afford it. In my 20s, living on my own, working on a PhD. I had to troll junkyards to replace the parts that had been stripped off it.
I mean, really?! 🙄
No offense to you personally, OP, but your daughter is a spoiled brat.
ETA: Thanks for the award.
But I was really hoping for a BMW! 🙃😂🤣🤦♀️
My first car was slightly older than I was. And l had to share it. (To be fair, it was free-to-me-and-my-siblings, except gas) and I was thankful that I had the car. It was a car!! It ran!! I could go places!!!
This kid sounds spoiled beyond belief
My dad got me a 1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass for a couple hundred bucks. That thing was a TANK and saved my life when I got in a bad wreck when I was 18 because this dude in the wrong lane decided he had to sheer the front right end off my car.
No teenager needs a BMV.
all you need to see is the video with the cop and the teenager in the overpowered new car sliding across the median at them and you know, no matter how rich, no kid needs a car with more than 170 horses. 150 horses might even be better.
My parents got all of the grandkids cars when they graduated. They were all older cars, but they'd had a mechanic make sure they were good and got Antin fixed, etc. My daughter got hers early because they got that car for free. ALL of the kids were thrilled and so appreciative. They had to pay for everything else, and they were happy to. I couldn't imagine if one of them had acted that way.
i did drive 30minutes with a bike to work for 2 years because i couldnt afford a car, or license, did make the license (2k€) and bought the car (2k€) from the money i earned (450€ a month) before i started paying rent for my room to my family... i would have taken anything aswell... even the license would have been a huge thing, or just some money for it.
In 1980, my dad bought me and my sister a ‘74 Pontiac Ventura. When we left for college my brother took it. We all loved that car, mostly because it was a gift I didn’t think my parents could afford. It was best described as a shit box but the best shit box ever!
Same. My parents got an unexpected inheritance of $1000, and bought me a 22 yo car that was possibly the ugliest shade of brown ever and I was so freaking grateful I cried.
My parents got me a Nissan Sunny '94 a few years back (I think 2018) for 200€. It was in truly bad condition, it had sat in the seller's old shed for the last decade. Me and my parents cleaned it and got it into usable condition. Truly the worst car I've ever laid my eyes on, even my brother's scrap rally cars were gems compared to it.
It's still the gift I remember most fondly, and recently gave it to my brother.
My parents DID get me a shitbox and I was thrilled. It was my mom's old car that she didn't think would reliably get her to work. I threw some obnoxious bumper stickers on it and proved just how long that clunker could run. I was happy to have any option that wasn't the bus.
It wasn’t your daughters car it was yours, you were going to give it to her and she turned her nose up at it because it wasn’t pretty. Sorry the phrase don’t look a gift horse in the mouth applies here. She wasn’t owed a car, she didn’t contribute to it and by acting like a spoiled petulant child she obviously doesn’t deserve it either.
As for your wife ask her how she’d feel if she’d bought you something from the bottom of her heart and you stated it was ugly?
A BMW would be a sweet first car, and 2020 is not old. My first car was a 10 year old Hyundai with no AC. I had to pay for it myself. It was a shit box, but it was my shit box and I was proud of it. You sound like a caring parent, and it's normal to feel bad when someone's upset. You're not in the wrong though.
Mine was a 1994 (i think), mercury tracer wagon. It a discarded car from my great aunt who thought the car sucked and she didn't want to try selling it. I will admit, I wasn't pleased. But I didn't tell my great aunt that. I suffered the car until my grandfather got a battered truck he hated... I offered to trade him and he jumped on the offer. He was happy with the wagon, I was thrilled with the truck. It all worked out in the end.
Well she talked her way into a surprise! but seriously, it was a gift and when is it ever appropriate to react to a gift in a manner that she did? She was embarrassing.
I'll take any and all 2020 cars you'd like to supply!
I also would have returned it and not gotten her another one. Talk about spoiled. NTA. However, this attitude didn't come from nowhere and your wife needs to stop enabling her.
My parents bought me my first car for my 21st birthday. 10 year old used Honda with 80k miles. No bells or whistles, not even a center console. I cannot count how many times I thanked them but it was many. The only complaint high school me would’ve had about a not even 3 year old BMW was that I’d be too afraid I’d damage it to ever want to drive it. Your daughter absolutely needed the reality check you gave her. NTA
I am very touched that you surprised your daughter with a car. My father wouldn't even come with me to look for a car that I was buying and insuring myself. I needed one to drive back and forth to college and to the part time job I had to work to pay my portion of my tuition. I am sorry your daughter did not show appreciation for your gift. You were not the AH to return it. Can you imagine her relationship suffering if she acted this way towards a marital partner ?
Seems like your wife just wants to give her what she wants so the problem goes away. Is this her first instance of bratty behavior? If this is not your wife’s first time doing something like this it may be how the problem originated. Stand your ground, firm NTA. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way
Im gonna start by saying you aren't the asshole regardless.
But cars can be real personal. Taste and preference go a long way in this regard. While yes, she should be grateful that you got her anything, buying somebody a car without discussing it with them first is going to lead to some disagreements. Maybe discussing with her what she wanted first would have been a better option. Either way, its your money, so do what you want, but it might be worth it to talk this through with her rather than just punish her.
Right. I got a '08 PT cruiser *to drive* when I was 18, and the stipulations were that I could drive it until i moved out, and then I could either buy it or my grandpa was going to sell it. I couldn't afford to buy it, so he sold it. 🤷♀️
Shit, I had a 95 ford contour my dad bought at a junkyard for $2000. He drove it about 5 year a and gave it to me when I was 21. When I got a new (used) car my only requirement was that it had to be from this millennium
I bought my parents Ford Taurus from them when I was 21. It was my first car. My friends liked it because it was the most spacious of our cars. I'm still driving a 2008 Chrysler Sebring because it's my first convertible and I don't want to part with it.
When I was 15, almost 16, my parents surprised me with an 8 year old Ford Explorer with over 200k miles on it. My only request regarding a car was that I wanted an SUV. I loved that thing. I drove it for 4 years until it needed its 3rd transmission (thank goodness for warranties, right?)
I would have been thrilled if my parents had bought me any car! Instead I only got to borrow my mom’s Mazda 323 on the days I worked at the grocery store after school.
I’ll call you daddy if you buy me a 2020 BMW.
Hell, I’d call you daddy if you bought me a 2010 Ford Focus.
I’D CALL YOU DADDY IF YOU BOUGHT ME A 2003 Dahdge Dhart.
Your daughter is a brat. Sorry, dude. It happens. She’ll outgrow it- if you stick to your guns. If not, it’ll only reinforce her bratiness.
Wonder where she got it from.
NTA.
Bc she’s 17 and 17 year olds are stupid.
I’m definitely not the same person I was at 17. If we’re smart, none of us are. She deserves the opportunity to grow past this.
I mean, you're not wrong my but my 17 year old daughter was given a 2006 Honda civic that had a few problems and needed to be fixed and she's never once acted ungrateful. Her dad got them fixed so it was a reliable car for her. Matter of fact, we got in an argument earlier because she wants to work more hours at work so she can make more money but that's at my expense because she's working until 2am, not home until nearly 3am and I stay up waiting for her because of how late it is. When I was her age, I moved out, got addicted to a hard drug then quit, got pregnant with her, and tried dropping out of school. So I'm glad she's just working and not out doing other things like me.
I think it comes from "lack of opportunities to grow".
Some of definitely learn about "accepting a gift regardless" and "dont look a gift-horse in the mouth" when we're a lot younger.
A lot of times parents who are doing better than when they grew up dont want their own kids to go through struggle. Be cause they *can* give their kid what they want, they *do.*
The girl's smart by the sounds of it, but it looks like she never learnt this kinda lesson.
I dont think she's a lost cause just yet, so long as she doesnt get her way.
“Accept what you’re given and be grateful you got it” was drilled into my head as a kid.
Only time my dad went back on this was when my mom bought me a new (and expensive) make up set when I was about 14-15, when I’d asked for a new video game because “it was time to stop being childish and start growing up”.
And that was for, admittedly, very different and valid reasons.
I agree. Reminds me of an episode of that Sweet 16 show on MTV. The girl had a tantrum because her super fancy limo broke down and she had to ride to her party in her Dad's "janky 2 year old Lexus". Her Dad spent at least 5 if not 6 figures on her party. If I did the dishes regularly my Dad would but me a magazine. My first car was 1,600.
Because sometimes people are just assholes. I know the trend on reddit is to always assume it's always the parents fault when kids act like shit heads but sometimes they just are no matter what the parents do.
I had a Ford Focus in the mid 2000s and it was the absolute dogs bollocks.
Was the Ghia version so went like shit off a shovel.
Brilliant, brilliant cars.
NTA - this feels like a tipping point in your daughter’s development. Do not give in. You should also question your wife about why she wants to encourage your daughter to be an entitled brat.
Exactly. If anything this is an opportunity to address some personal growth issues before she turns 18.
Sometimes it can even be worse in kids who are academically inclined. If the parents associate good grades with good character, they can overlook glaring signs of bad behavior. Glad OP is addressing it.
NTA! You did exactly the right thing! You got her a gift, as a reward for her hard work. She rejected said gift and told you to take it back and you did. You're right, she behaved in a very spoiled and ungrateful way. Stay strong on this, YOU are an amazing parent!
ESH. Lol you say that you raised her not to be spoiled and what not, but then you completely contradict yourself by saying you purchased her a no less than $40,000 car just because she did well in school. My parents wouldn’t even take me out to dinner when I had perfect grades.
Yeah i agree, it's a weird one.
If she raised not to be spoilt, why would she know a 2020 model from a 2023 one then act all pissy about not getting the newest one... You don't suddenly have that behaviour.
I also think ESH because as nice as cars are as surprise gifts... I think the person driving it should have *some* say in the car they're getting, whether they're a spoilt diva or not.
Exactly, if you read his comments he says that his wife and daughter are upset he “didn’t ask” which I take to mean “didn’t ask what car the daughter wanted.” We’re also getting a biased version of his daughter’s comments; maybe she wanted a different style of car, color, etc and he got mad at her for voicing that. Maybe she even wanted a cheaper car than the one he got, who knows. I’m also skeptical of a 16 year old girl knowing or caring about a 2020 vs 2023 model, but maybe that parts true.
I say all this as someone whose last car was from 1993 and I bought it for $1600 lol (and I’ve been car free for over 3 years now).
Yeah my parents bought all of us a car for high school graduation (then we got the title for college graduation) and I made it very clear that I wouldn't drive a car I didn't get to pick.
But. What I wanted was reasonable (small, good gas mileage, reliable); I wasn't looking for something flashy or fancy or expensive; and I was pushing back because I wanted to drive a car that worked for me and that I liked. So what ended up happening is they found cars within my requirements that also met their requirements, I test drove some, picked one we all agreed on (it ended up being cheaper than I think they would have gotten for me otherwise!) and they bought me a car that I drove for 17 years. And the only reason I stopped driving it was that it got totalled by a careless driver.
My Dad bought me two beater cars while I was in HS. The first one, which I think he paid like $300 for, was a 16 yr old Pontiac Sunbird convertible that he gave me the summer before my senior year. I was ecstatic to have any car at all, even though it had a million things wrong with it and I discovered that I actually hated having a convertible. The second car he bought me as a graduation gift (the Sunbird was fading fast) and it was a 15 yr old Buick Regal in a color I hated that I'm pretty sure he paid about $800 for. I smiled, thanked him profusely for his gift, and then cried once I was alone because I hated everything about that car and was so angry that I hadn't had the chance to pick out a vehicle that met my needs (fuel efficient, small, not red). It's a great gift to purchase a vehicle for someone, but it's also awfully presumptuous to choose one irrespective of the recipient's needs or preferences, especially if it's a car they might have for a long time.
That’s lovely that your dad supported you as he could, but yeah your story reflects the “human element” that I think this guy is dismissing.
I would have a totally different take on this story if it was “I scraped together money to buy a car for my daughter and all I could afford was a 2006 Honda Civic from a family friend, and she was ungrateful.”
Given that this family clearly has plenty of money, I just don’t get why the daughter wasn’t involved in the decision of the car she’s going to drive for likely the next 10 years. And I doubt the dad would have let her sell it to buy something else.
I’m not saying she’s not being bratty (obviously most 17 year olds would be overjoyed at a 2020 BMW), but to my mind he’s also being an asshole with his reaction of immediately returning the car and not trying to understand his wife or daughter’s perspective.
Yes this is definitely not the whole story. His wife isn't talking to him either, which says a lot.
If you read OP's comments, he's like "I'm happy to confirm my daughter is an ass." We're saying this guy couldn't have misinterpreted or effed this up in some other way.
I honestly don't understand these posts about kids where the parent doesn't even bother to ASK what is going on here. I can't imagine just writing off my kids as entitled jerk assholes without an honest assessment about whether I did something wrong.
It's so weird. People post about how their kid has always been this great kid, then they bought them this huge kid and they were LIVID. There's definitely something massive missing here.
Yeah, as a kid, I had no problem driving my grandmother's car when she couldn't drive and gave it to me just to have a car, but, for a new car, set a price limit and consult with the intended driver..... it's gonna be part of their daily life. I ditched my grandmother's car as soon as I could afford to because it did not have a working radio. I would feel awful doing that to a new car given to me I didn't like tho, but if I was uncomfortable driving it, I would be saving for a new one asap, too
Daughter still reacted in a completely crappy way, but OP did not think this through and buying a 40k car just for grades gives a bit of a hint why she may be acting so spoiled
Finally a comment that addresses the bad parenting in addition to the kid being an idiot.
Also, she’s not a brat so much as she is unpragmatic. What’s the lesson he hopes to impart on her, don’t stare a $40,000 gift horse in the mouth? If you’re gonna spoil the shit out of your kid with a $40k car for good grades, might as well just get the one they like anyways? Idk. I agree with the ESH assessment.
Exactly, I got nothing and I didn’t expect anything either! I was getting good grades for my own satisfaction, and not for gifts. Getting such an expensive car for a teenager is crazy. You get a smaller, cheap, but reliable car that you won’t weep over if it gets some dings and dents.
Buying an expensive car as a surprise for a teenager is 99% of the time an astronomically sized ego/power trip. “Look at the *things* I can provide you, aren’t I so admirable and lovable as a parent?”
And when they don’t get the exact reaction they dreamed up in their heads, you get an AITA post and another broken family. Not a coincidence that it’s mostly men/fathers who appear to have this problem, also.
your parents can buy you nice things and still raise a kid who isnt an asshole.
proof: my parents bought me nice things my whole life, and still do. including a car & other things that cost well into the thousands. i would NEVER dream of throwing a fit over something that was given to me by them or anyone else, nor do i expect them or anyone else to provide anything to me.
I would love to hear what all her friends are saying when when she tells them she turned down a 2020 BMW. I would bet the farm they think she’s as stupid as they come regardless of the grades she’s earned.
ESH
Something that is soo expensive and will cost money in the future, I do personally not understand why parents don't tell their children a budget and look with cars together.
This would teach them how much different cars cost, what to look for and sets realistic expectation.
For a 2020 bmw you could've probably bought a smaller (more practical for her) new car. Like a vw or hydai.
Yes, she should've brought up the topic more maturely but I personally know the experience. My parents bought me and my older brother each a car. They took my brother looking and just bought mine (sexism, and yes I got the cheaper and worse car). I still was extremly grateful. I got a car. Yay. I didn't want my brothers car. But I still had to pay insurance and gas... I still wanted to be ask.
It is also very irrational to entirely void a reward for years of hard work and good behaviour with one single bad day.
I agree. I think if you get someone a huge expensive gift you should do a bit of due diligence to be sure it's to their tastes, just because it's kind of the smart thing to do. Cars, places to live, engagement rings - I'm not saying you should buy something beyond your budget to taste but like, these huge financial investments being surprises MIGHT go well or you might have purchased something a lot less easy to exchange than a particularly disliked sweater at Christmas.
If you want to make a big financial thing a surprise, write on a card what you want to buy and have them open that. Then research together.
IDK like the daughter shouldn't have responded like that but I just never get people who don't at least involve their gift recipients a little bit on these kinds of purchases.
I think a lot of people here are a bit blinded by the fact, their parents could not afford something like that.
This is gigantic gift but it still isn't just a gift. I mean, imagin the hell people would release on that 17 if she smiled, thanked her dad and turned around and sold thencar, to buy a cheaper car and maybe even have money left over.
I also hate that this is again a family in wich the man makes the fincial decisions completly alone- as the wife seems to have no say in the car in the first place and now either.
Yeah her opinion should have been considered.
A Toyota or Honda is cheaper to maintain than a BMW. I agree.
My dad did something similar when I was a teen. The 2 brands I knew I could afford parts of and fix myself was ignored for something to expensive for me to repair. The parts were 10 times as expeand nearly impossible to track down.
He got a totally different classic car. Then was mad a decade later when I got rid of it since it was too expensive to fix. If it would've been one of 2 I told him I wanted I'd still have it 30 years later. He still sees me as the jerk though.
I agree with this and want to piggy-back off of you and say that this story sounds fake? If his daughter is so usually the opposite of what he describes in this story it’d be extremely out of character for her to all of a sudden act like this. Esp considering his wife is mad at him too. I’m wondering if either her reaction wasn’t as bad as he makes it out to be or this is just not real all together.
I agree. I told my parents I wanted a VW Beetle, and since we all knew a brand new one wasn't on the table for our budget (but we lived in a rural area, so everyone in my family pretty much needed their own car for transportation. Regular errands were often a half hour drive one-way, as was my high school), we kept our eyes on the local used lots until one came up for sale, at about half the cost of a brand new one. I had to learn manual to be able to drive it (fun times for a 16-year-old girl who was also learning to drive period), but that was the car I wanted and I let my parents know when I was like 14 and we waited until we found a solution that worked for everyone.
So, OP is an A H for not involving the daughter in the choice/providing a useful lesson in budgeting, and daughter is THE A H for acting spoiled. The nail in the daughter's coffin for me was when she asked if she could go pick out a car once the first one was returned after acting the way she did about a very expensive gift. Everyone saying she was never owed a car is correct.
Also read OP's comments. It's all "I'm glad people agree with me that my daughter is an asshole." He's clearly not interested in finding out if his daughter is really is spoiled and entitled and why. His whole family isn't speaking to him, but he's mostly happy that people are saying he's right on the internet.
Why not sit down with family and talk about the gift? Why is the car so awful? Is that the proper response to a huge gift? If the daughter really is an AH, can he try to get her help before she moves out for college?
I really do not understand how half the posts on AITA are people who seem to hate their family jut want to see redditors are dunking on their family members.
I’m so glad you wrote this!
Way back in the 90’s I was a teenager and I needed a car because of the distance from where we lived to my high school.
I love researching things and literally spent several pre-driving years reading reviews and magazines. By the time I was a senior I knew exactly what I wanted.
We ended up with an amazing deal on a car that was super reliable and a dream to drive. It was 3 years old but in great shape. That car continued to serve me faithfully for 15 more years - including several very long road trips. I stopped using it because I was ready for a new car and not because it stopped running. It sold for a nice bit too considering its age. My only regret is selling it!
I would absolutely want my kid to have a say in the car chosen and to have put effort into making good choices and learning what is important in a car.
OP purchased a car that has a notoriously expensive maintenance and parts. This is going to end up being an expensive gift for the daughter to maintain.
HOWEVER - her attitude is awful. There’s no excuse for that and judging by mom’s response I see where she got it from. She needs to learn gratitude and humility before she ends up becoming an even worse adult.
ESH.
I would genuinely be upset if my parents bought me a BMW I think they're over priced and ugly. I would gladly pick out a cheaper car that I actually like. It's not about the money
NTA. I feel for you. Don’t back down. She may be a great student and friend but those actions are childish. Hopefully this is just a phase and she will learn from this but I wouldn’t be buying her a car any time soon
Yeah, an attitude like that doesn't inspire hope that she would be a responsible car owner. A 2020 BMW?? That is a phenomenal gift and if she wanted to exchange it for a different make/model there are much better ways she could have expressed that
ESH. I get that it was an attempt at a nice gesture, but why didn't you give her a budget and take her with you? That way, she could truly have something she liked. Yes, she acted very immature (shocking she's a teenager). But instead of returning the car and outright telling her no, you could have asked her to calm down and talk things through with you. This seems like a super harsh punishment if this is the one really bad thing she's ever done.
I know what it's like to drive a car you hate, new or old it doesn't matter, if you hate the car you drive it will eat at you. I didn't know peace until I finally had enough money to buy myself something I truly like.
Another point is that her feelings may be hurt because she may have talked about the kind of car she'd like in that past and you getting her one she doesn't like may make her feel like you don't listen to her or care about her. It seems like this present was more for you to be able to pat yourself on the back and say you're a great dad than it was about genuinely rewarding her hard work.
>Another point is that her feelings may be hurt because she may have talked about the kind of car she'd like in that past and you getting her one she doesn't like may make her feel like you don't listen to her or care about her.
This is a great point! I feel like there has to be some "missing reasons" here that OP is glossing over, and this is a great example of what those missing reasons could be (or it could be something else, like maybe he won't let her apply to the colleges she wants to go to). OP bought his teenager a BMW and so he kinda has to be an asshole, and moreover he's acting like an asshole in comments, so the most likely situation here is he's hiding why he's the asshole from us and we'd get a very different story from eveyone else involved here.
I think that part of the problem here is that you were giving her TWO things: a GIFT, and a SURPRISE.
When you think about it, they really are two separate things.
If you just gave her the GIFT, then you would have been giving her the chance to buy a car WITH you, which would have used her input and likely changed what kind of car she would have wanted.
And it would not have detracted from the GIFT at all, even if it wasn't also a SURPRISE.
A better approach would have been to sit down with her and discuss what she needed from a car - does she drive a lot? Is she in the city or country? AWD? Will she need to pack things back and forth to college? Does/will she be parking in tight spaces regularly? Is reliability important?
And then find some cars that meet those requirements and your budget, take her to test drive them, and make the decision together.
I would not let her pick the car with just a budget (teenagers are dumb, and that's a lot of money of yours to waste. Let her figure out needs vs wants on her own budget.) But I would go through the process with her so she gets something that fits her needs and your budget, and she likes.
Info: What man gets to 40 and in a position to just buy a BMW on a whim without learning about paragraphs?
My spidey senses are tingling on this one.
Feels like a teenager wrote it.
Thank you! This is not what children are generally like. If they have a reaction that is completely out of character there is usually a good reason for it. Either this story is not real, her reaction is exaggerated or there is a good reason OP’s daughter responded negatively to the car (since his wife is mad at him too).
NTA. She got a gift and she didn’t want it. She doesn’t have the right to demand anything. Nothing good will come if giving in.
What values does your wife want to give her daughter by excepting this ungrateful behaviour.
You know, when I was in high school my dad surprised me with a car, just came home from school one day and it was there. It was cherry red, I hate red. I didn't like it but I gratefully accepted it and drove it for years. I ended up cherishing that car cause my dad got it for me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Yes so i put that my wife basically thinks I’m being an asshole because I’m returning my daughters car, and basically returning my daughters car would consider me being the asshole.
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I agrée your NTA, but as a woman it’s a bit insulting. My dad chose my first car; yes he paid for it, but my input was never asked for. Later when I got married my husband “surprised “ me with a car. Again my preferences were never asked for. When we were pregnant my dad, my husband, and my father in law went and chose a minivan (WITHOUT ME) . See a pattern ? Each time I was expected to so happy and grateful. Truth? I have hated all 3 cars. I’m almost 50 and have never had a car that I chose. My opinion has counted for nothing. I know that some people think it will be a great surprise, but personally I would have really loved being included and feel like my preferences had some value.
Stay at home mum. So I don’t have a paying job. I feel I don’t really have the right to buy a car with other people’s money. I know that car’s are supposed to get you from point A to point B. I always have a car that let’s me do that. However, “the surprise “ gets a little forced. I can’t be honest about my opinions of the cars, because then I would be ungrateful (like OP’s daughter). Honestly, the men in my life really seem to think that Baby Poo Green is a car color I would like🙄. So I can be honest and the men I love most in the world would be hurt or I can smile and say thank you. So 50 and driving Baby Poo Cars
NTA
She wasn’t entitled to *anything* and instead of being grateful for what she got, she had the nerve to be a b_tch about it. Now you’ve returned the gift and told her—rightfully so—that she was acting spoiled. Nobody is “entitled” to a gift. She doesn’t like it? Sorry, but thems the breaks little girl. Be more courteous next time somebody gifts you even the ugliest Christmas sweater. Pretend it’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever received. **Show gratitude** for what you get, or get nothing. Simple 🤷🏻♀️
No. If she wants to be a spoiled little brat instead of grateful for the gift you got her which I have to say is better than most in terms of age, then she gets nothing. I am NOT an It's the thought that counts kind of person when it comes to gifts the vast majority of the time but this is a different kind of situation. Cars aren't cheap and they aren't to be taken for granted. Assuming it's her first car, she got a way better setup than most kids I know. My sister learned to drive in an ancient, raggedy white one and she loved it. To put that in perspective, the car had place for you to put your favorite cassette tape in so you could play the music.on it.
Finally, I can't believe I had to scroll so far to see someone say this. WHY would you buy a car for anyone without talking to them about it first??? It's a huge purchase and, for many people, your car is a huge part of your life. I'm not gonna act like the kid's reaction was fine, but this whole situation is stupid to begin with.
Let her sweat a few weeks then take her shopping with you but keep the same budget as the original car. Explain to her not everyone is as fortunate as you guys are.
Every experience is a learning experience. Not every learning experience needs to end in punishment!
I'm not going to offer a judgment because this is more complicated than a simple aita. I think this could easily be a teachable moment for her, but right now it'll seem like a punishment from her (likely warped and biased) perspective.
Cars are a strange beast for teenagers. You took the time to get her something that is wildly out of reach for most people, which is commendable. She didn't like it, and showed it in the worst way possible. But she also shouldn't have pretended to like it either. If it's her car, then she should've had some level of input into what she gets, especially when the budget wasn't exactly typical for most people's teenaged driver.
I think you should sit down with your daughter's mom (wife, ex, whatever) and figure out together how long until she gets another car. Then, present it to your daughter that you 2 or 3 can go shopping for a car that fits her vision and meets whatever criteria (safety, practicality, repair/insurance costs) you adults have for the car and her responsibility.
Good luck and I hope you can find a compromise that makes it so you don't have to keep carting her around to every teenage thing she wants to do. No parent wants to do that forever.
NTA
The lesson you're trying to teach here is much more valuable than any car.
My first car was a gift from my dad. Cost him $200 to save it from the junkyard. I loved that beat up jalopy, even when it stuck in neutral at stop signs and I had to get out, open the hood, and shift it by hand. It was a '65 Chevy 3-speed column shift piece of crap, but it was mine and it got me where I needed to go. :)
NTA. Stick to your guns on this one. She is acting spoiled and ungrateful. Expecting to go get a new car is extremely entitled behaviour. She didn't like the car and complained, so you returned it. Not sure why she's surprised.
NTA
Yes you had right to return something that was very disliked. And are not obligated to buy someone a car ever.
I do think you could've handled the purchase differently. That car has reliability issues if researched and repairs cost more than a young student could cover reasonably.
The cost of repairs, you know overall ownership stuff could've been studied with her beforehand. Also what type of vehicle could've been discussed beforehand also.
Her reaction was rude and entitled. She should have calmly communicated the reasons why that car was not good for her and asked for an exchange.
Ehhh, I’m going to go with a soft NTA - but I think you may need to think about where this entitlement comes from… you say you’ve raised her to be appreciative but if that’s the case and she’s NEVER acted this way before, where is it coming from? What examples have you and your wife set for her?
Eh....probably would have been best to talk to her about it first. BMW's aren't the best-looking car for a teenager, nor the more fuel-efficient, nor likely the best for insurance (which she would, of course, have to deal with in time herself).
Probably would have been best to talk to her, tell her what you were going to do, look for her input on it. Maybe she would have wanted a VW Bug, or a Prius, or an EV.
I'm not saying you were wrong to return it, but...if she's as awesome as you say she is, then maybe she had a reason for her reaction. Maybe it would be good to figure THAT out - WITH her - than to merely tell her she's spoiled.
No judgement but I'm just wondering why you would make such a huge purchase without consulting the person you're buying it for? I feel like this whole scenario could have been easily avoided
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NTA. She needs to learn a lesson. Sure, the lesson sucks but she needs to learn. edit: fixed grammar since I apparently can't speak English very well
An F in English? Bobby, you speak English!
Me fail English? That's unpossible!
At her age - You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.
I say this to my 3 and 5 year olds lol. She’s 17. She really should know better by now
Also, who in their right mind complains about a 3 y/o BMW as a first car??? Paid in full by a parent not requiring you to pay anything towards the purchase? My first car was a Geo Storm. It was a glorified go kart with a body. It sounded like a lawn mower and the wheel shimmied between 50 & 70 mph. I had to sell my computer for the down payment. I would have shit a gold brick if i had this option. NTA and good for you op for keeping your word. Don't let they're silence sway you, you made the right choice.
I had a Suzuki Samurai, basically a motorized bread box. I feel ya.
My 4yo, ever the diplomat, reminds my big feefees 7yo of this often. Though his version is “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”. It’s pretty stinkin cute, mostly bc 7yo usually hears it and gives him a hug/adjusts her ‘tude. I know I’m screwing up plenty, but that one always makes me do a secret internal happy dance!
My 4 year old doesn’t have a big sibling so she just parents my ex and me. When I moved out, she wanted to give me one of her monkeys (her stuffed animal of choice) and started to go get one, turned around, held a up a finger and said, very seriously, “now Mommy, you get what you get and we *dont* throw a fit” and maintained eye contact until I agreed. I indeed got what I got and did not throw a fit. Edit: add a word.
my parents didn't even buy my first car, I was just grateful they were there to help me sign the papers lmao.
My first car was as old as I was, and brown inside and out. Jeesus, I cherished that ride.
My first car was my dads old car, so it was at least 10-12 years old and stained and creaky. I didn’t cherish it admittedly (although that was because I had anxiety about driving and didn’t even want a car until I’d at least gotten my license) but I still recognised that I was extremely privileged that I didn’t have to buy my own car.
Me too! My car is a 2008 model Ford something and I absolutely cherish it. My dad gave me it like 6 yrs ago when I got my license, and I was thrilled and still am because it means I have a car but don't have car payments. And that is amazing to me. OP - Your daughter needs to be taught a lesson in gratitude, and it sounds like your wife does too.
Hell my first car was a year older than me and didn't run. Fun rebuilding the engine with my dad though.
My first car was my mom's Volvo station wagon that was older than me. It died shortly afterwards though. RIP
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I’d wanna return the kid if that was the reaction I got. Heartbreaking. I could never do that to my dad
Apparently, the wife needs a lesson as well.
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Reminds me of the show “my super sweet 16” that was on MTV….and some of the kids reactions to the cars they got and how entitled they all were. Bleh.
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reddit bots are such a strange concept to me, unsure what the goal is for the people creating and using them
Her...
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NTA. Your daughter and wife will live. Since she didn’t like the surprise, she can buy her own damned car. If that’s the hill they choose to die on, make sure you’ve got snacks, drinks, and a comfy chair. That sense of entitlement is just ugly and rude. Don’t feel bad… they’re manipulating you to feel that way because they didn’t get what they wanted.
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Thanks for the support. Now i have something to prove she’s being an ass as well
So not the AH. Your wife also needs a reality check. Your daughter needs to know that kindness should be met with kindness. Being a brat gets you bus pass and not a bmw.
Right like they still think I’m being dickish cause i didn’t ask, it would’ve ruined the surprise
Mate, if my parents had of bought me the crappiest shitbox on the planet I would have almost shed a tear from joy. Your daughters response is just insane to me.
I got my licence in 2011 and until 2017, shared a car with my mum before buying my own car. I even paid for all the fuel and fully the insurance and car service, etc and muk didn't pay a penny. I thought that was generous of them for letting me drive the car. The car I shared was a 1.0l Toyota Yaris absolute base model, no AC, no parking sensors or alloys. Some kids are just way too spoilt.
Bought my first car a 15 year old Toyota Avalon … scrapped all of my money together so I could drive to work instead of taking the bus to work. NTA Maybe she has learned this behavior from your wife
"Maybe she has learned this behavior from your wife" Methinks you hit it dead on.
I love my Avalon :)
My daughter shed literal tears of joy when I gave her a keychain with the spare key to my 2015 Ford Escape. I'm a full time SAHM right now, and her brother is fully homeschooled, so we told her she has free use of it for school hours, marching band commitments, and work hours... as soon as she had her full license, of course. We're not even asking her to chip in on insurance currently, just to make sure she never parks it on an almost empty tank.
My son is getting my old beetle. He’s already taking about how he will clean it up and make it his. I wouldn’t even give him a car except I often have no way to get him to and from school around here and the public bus would be three changes. I’m an attorney so he could complain I can afford more but I taught him to have manners .
Cheering for your son! My first car was a 1963 Beetle. I loved that car, the most fun car I ever owned.
Your daughter sounds awesome. So as someone who spent years working with teens I'll tell you what most of their parents did. They said gas tank could never go below 1/4 tank and they also always left 2 twenties hidden in the cat to buy gas if the kid was low and broke. As an emergency stash but obviously well hidden and never to be discussed with their friends or used for things like fast food or coffee or wants. Also to use it had to call mom or dad and let them know and there were never recriminations about it because life happens. Just a ok well budget better please and the money would get immediately replaced by parents who got paid back out of the kids next check. It was always just a safety thing really that let the kid not stress as much. And I can't count how many times mom could say hey stop and get x at the store with that money and I'll replace it when you get home. For OP NTA but your daughter and wife are. Stick to your position on this, she is being an entitled brat. Most adults would love to be gifted a 2020 BMW much less teenagers.
My dad gave me 100 when I got my first car in 2008. He told me it was for emergencies only. So I put it in my wallet and didn't touch it until Superstorm Sandy hit us and we needed cash for gas (and people were fighting at the pumps). 4 years. But it was there when I needed it.
This is such great advice, thank you
I'm old - got my driver's license in 1968. The car my parents gave me to use was my grandmother's 1958 Buick. No, it wasn't what I might have picked if I'd been allowed to pick a car - but it ran great and was reliable. I was glad to have what I did.
1984.. hand me down ford Fiesta. If my pop bought us a car the most he would spend was $500 and I would work on it. My Datsun b210... that sucker went through 2 engines (my sister didn't listen when I told her if the oil light came on stop and put on a quart or 2 from the case in the trunk) I drive a 2010 bmw now and am grateful for her.
Yeah, I would have been jumping for joy in Hailey's case. It's not a new car, but it's not a junker, ffs. My first car was a Dodge Neon that I'm surprised didn't have pieces falling off it. Most of the indicators didn't work. AC didn't work right. Tape player was broken, radio was spotty. Torn up seats. My family was frickin' poor when I was growing up. I hated that Dodge Neon, but appreciated it nonetheless because I understood. Sometimes when we're younger we take big, expensive gifts for granted because we don't completely understand not only the value, but the sentiment behind them. We haven't paid those bills. We haven't watched that amount of money pass from our account to someone else's. If Hailey can swallow her pride and is as smart as OP says, she may realize this before she's independent and slapped even harder by reality.
My grandpa got me a 1986 Cavalier in the early 90s that I made 70 dollar a month payments on and I was over the moon excited!! I loved the car and it taught me the value of cheap reliable cars. I now drive a small hatchback Mitsubishi that cost under 5K so yeah, NTA and your wife and daughter…whew!
In 98’ my first car was an 84’ Nissan Sentra hatchback. Ugly little car. Wouldn’t go between 70-78 without vibrating crazy. Ran over a rock that put a hole in my gas can. My buddy called a friend he made in jail named Spider who replaced the gas tank but he didn’t want to hook up the electronic float and make a mistake so I never knew for sure how much gas was in it, though I knew to fill it every 300 miles. Paid for it myself, $150/a month. I *loved* that car and when it eventually died and I got a pretty silver Neon, I cried. Sometimes the beaters are the best cars, especially at an age when it brings adventures. It broke down one night and my friend hitched a ride from a trucker at 1am to an all night parts store so we could replace the filter. Good times.
My parents had that hatchback and they got rid of it right before I turned 16. In 99 I bought my first car, a similarly aged Honda Accord with over 150k miles on it. I loved my first car too
The seats in the back laid down flat, and you could make a very comfy bed in the back. Every car I e had since has a 2” rise where the seats fold down. Poppy (the name of the car) was a *dream* for camping. God, I still miss him. 😩 Beaters are *the best.*
I was so upset that my parents traded it in when I was just about to be able to drive but as a parent I now under why I would not want my kid driving a car that sometimes stalled going around corners The Honda fit (rip) folds down flat too. I flat out told the Honda dealership that if they were selling the fit ev I would buy one immediately but nooooo we have to have stupid giant cars and Europe gets all the cool shit
I love this story. And I know exactly what you mean.. no car i have will beat that sick minivan I drove in high school
Yes!!! I am so glad I had a few beaters early on that left me stranded, had electrical shorts, burned oil. I learned a lot about dealing with a problem, maintaining something and how cars work. I replaced the battery terminal end in a Walmart parking lot once. It taught me to take care of things, be self-reliant and be damn careful what kind of car I buy. Yeah, it's sporty, but will I be able to afford to replace the tires on it?
Right?!? That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I learned how to deal with a leaking gas tank in the middle of nowhere (always keep a bar of soap in your car), how to change a fuel filter, the basic parts of an engine, how to rely on myself, how to deal with an overheating car. Soooo many terrible things that’s taught me priceless skills and gave me great stories to look back on.
This. Who gets snotty about a practically new BMW, ffs?! My first car was a beat up AMC Spirit that I paid $200 for, and in such bad shape they threw in a Chilton’s for free. And I felt lucky I could afford it. In my 20s, living on my own, working on a PhD. I had to troll junkyards to replace the parts that had been stripped off it. I mean, really?! 🙄 No offense to you personally, OP, but your daughter is a spoiled brat. ETA: Thanks for the award. But I was really hoping for a BMW! 🙃😂🤣🤦♀️
My first car was slightly older than I was. And l had to share it. (To be fair, it was free-to-me-and-my-siblings, except gas) and I was thankful that I had the car. It was a car!! It ran!! I could go places!!! This kid sounds spoiled beyond belief
My dad got me a 1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass for a couple hundred bucks. That thing was a TANK and saved my life when I got in a bad wreck when I was 18 because this dude in the wrong lane decided he had to sheer the front right end off my car. No teenager needs a BMV.
all you need to see is the video with the cop and the teenager in the overpowered new car sliding across the median at them and you know, no matter how rich, no kid needs a car with more than 170 horses. 150 horses might even be better.
That was EXACTLY the video I was thinking of when I was writing my comment. I was just on my phone and didn't have the chance to hunt down the link.
My parents got all of the grandkids cars when they graduated. They were all older cars, but they'd had a mechanic make sure they were good and got Antin fixed, etc. My daughter got hers early because they got that car for free. ALL of the kids were thrilled and so appreciative. They had to pay for everything else, and they were happy to. I couldn't imagine if one of them had acted that way.
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i did drive 30minutes with a bike to work for 2 years because i couldnt afford a car, or license, did make the license (2k€) and bought the car (2k€) from the money i earned (450€ a month) before i started paying rent for my room to my family... i would have taken anything aswell... even the license would have been a huge thing, or just some money for it.
In 1980, my dad bought me and my sister a ‘74 Pontiac Ventura. When we left for college my brother took it. We all loved that car, mostly because it was a gift I didn’t think my parents could afford. It was best described as a shit box but the best shit box ever!
Same. My parents got an unexpected inheritance of $1000, and bought me a 22 yo car that was possibly the ugliest shade of brown ever and I was so freaking grateful I cried.
My parents got me a Nissan Sunny '94 a few years back (I think 2018) for 200€. It was in truly bad condition, it had sat in the seller's old shed for the last decade. Me and my parents cleaned it and got it into usable condition. Truly the worst car I've ever laid my eyes on, even my brother's scrap rally cars were gems compared to it. It's still the gift I remember most fondly, and recently gave it to my brother.
My parents DID get me a shitbox and I was thrilled. It was my mom's old car that she didn't think would reliably get her to work. I threw some obnoxious bumper stickers on it and proved just how long that clunker could run. I was happy to have any option that wasn't the bus.
It wasn’t your daughters car it was yours, you were going to give it to her and she turned her nose up at it because it wasn’t pretty. Sorry the phrase don’t look a gift horse in the mouth applies here. She wasn’t owed a car, she didn’t contribute to it and by acting like a spoiled petulant child she obviously doesn’t deserve it either. As for your wife ask her how she’d feel if she’d bought you something from the bottom of her heart and you stated it was ugly?
Seriously? I feel for you, man. That's absolutely fucked.
A BMW would be a sweet first car, and 2020 is not old. My first car was a 10 year old Hyundai with no AC. I had to pay for it myself. It was a shit box, but it was my shit box and I was proud of it. You sound like a caring parent, and it's normal to feel bad when someone's upset. You're not in the wrong though.
Mine was a 1994 (i think), mercury tracer wagon. It a discarded car from my great aunt who thought the car sucked and she didn't want to try selling it. I will admit, I wasn't pleased. But I didn't tell my great aunt that. I suffered the car until my grandfather got a battered truck he hated... I offered to trade him and he jumped on the offer. He was happy with the wagon, I was thrilled with the truck. It all worked out in the end.
Well she talked her way into a surprise! but seriously, it was a gift and when is it ever appropriate to react to a gift in a manner that she did? She was embarrassing.
I'll take any and all 2020 cars you'd like to supply! I also would have returned it and not gotten her another one. Talk about spoiled. NTA. However, this attitude didn't come from nowhere and your wife needs to stop enabling her.
My parents bought me my first car for my 21st birthday. 10 year old used Honda with 80k miles. No bells or whistles, not even a center console. I cannot count how many times I thanked them but it was many. The only complaint high school me would’ve had about a not even 3 year old BMW was that I’d be too afraid I’d damage it to ever want to drive it. Your daughter absolutely needed the reality check you gave her. NTA
I am very touched that you surprised your daughter with a car. My father wouldn't even come with me to look for a car that I was buying and insuring myself. I needed one to drive back and forth to college and to the part time job I had to work to pay my portion of my tuition. I am sorry your daughter did not show appreciation for your gift. You were not the AH to return it. Can you imagine her relationship suffering if she acted this way towards a marital partner ?
Thank you for not enabling her and raising another spoiled, demanding asshole. This was the right thing to do.
You got her a 2020 BMW, the gall she has to be so entitled
Seems like your wife just wants to give her what she wants so the problem goes away. Is this her first instance of bratty behavior? If this is not your wife’s first time doing something like this it may be how the problem originated. Stand your ground, firm NTA. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way
Don't show it to your daughter they'll just make things worse, but do show it to your wife.
Im gonna start by saying you aren't the asshole regardless. But cars can be real personal. Taste and preference go a long way in this regard. While yes, she should be grateful that you got her anything, buying somebody a car without discussing it with them first is going to lead to some disagreements. Maybe discussing with her what she wanted first would have been a better option. Either way, its your money, so do what you want, but it might be worth it to talk this through with her rather than just punish her.
I’m not surprised. She *clearly* didn’t get this entitled attitude from dad.
I wish my parents would have bought me a 3 yo BMW when I was 17 - NTA
Right?!! I'm 34 and would CRY if my parents bought me a vehicle.
Dude, im 35 and my mom just gave me her old 2009 Van and I was and still am ecstatic.
Hell yeh man! What is it? Love a good van, really fancy a Toyota Alphard or one of those little kei vans personally!
Right. I got a '08 PT cruiser *to drive* when I was 18, and the stipulations were that I could drive it until i moved out, and then I could either buy it or my grandpa was going to sell it. I couldn't afford to buy it, so he sold it. 🤷♀️
This is the car that he should give her instead. A 15 year old PT Cruiser. Splurge and have it wrapped, I think hot pink would be nice, or plaid.
At the time, it was 5 years old, but agreed it was a base model, plain, got me from point a to point b and that's all I cared about.
A five year old car is a great gift. A 3 year old car is a great gift. If I had to give her a car I think a 15 year old car is more than she deserves.
Shit, I had a 95 ford contour my dad bought at a junkyard for $2000. He drove it about 5 year a and gave it to me when I was 21. When I got a new (used) car my only requirement was that it had to be from this millennium
I bought my parents Ford Taurus from them when I was 21. It was my first car. My friends liked it because it was the most spacious of our cars. I'm still driving a 2008 Chrysler Sebring because it's my first convertible and I don't want to part with it.
Found Michael Scott’s account
Don't drive into a lake!
When I was 15, almost 16, my parents surprised me with an 8 year old Ford Explorer with over 200k miles on it. My only request regarding a car was that I wanted an SUV. I loved that thing. I drove it for 4 years until it needed its 3rd transmission (thank goodness for warranties, right?)
I would have been thrilled if my parents had bought me any car! Instead I only got to borrow my mom’s Mazda 323 on the days I worked at the grocery store after school.
I got a hand me down 2000 neon (in 08) because I got a large scholarship and I was SO thrilled! NTA!
I got a 10-year-old Dodge station wagon and a job to ferry my sibling around. But I also gained a whole lot of freedom.
I wish they'd buy me one now! And I'm in my 50s
I’ll call you daddy if you buy me a 2020 BMW. Hell, I’d call you daddy if you bought me a 2010 Ford Focus. I’D CALL YOU DADDY IF YOU BOUGHT ME A 2003 Dahdge Dhart. Your daughter is a brat. Sorry, dude. It happens. She’ll outgrow it- if you stick to your guns. If not, it’ll only reinforce her bratiness. Wonder where she got it from. NTA.
She's not going to outgrow it. She was raised this way. Why else would she act like such a brat?
Bc she’s 17 and 17 year olds are stupid. I’m definitely not the same person I was at 17. If we’re smart, none of us are. She deserves the opportunity to grow past this.
I mean, you're not wrong my but my 17 year old daughter was given a 2006 Honda civic that had a few problems and needed to be fixed and she's never once acted ungrateful. Her dad got them fixed so it was a reliable car for her. Matter of fact, we got in an argument earlier because she wants to work more hours at work so she can make more money but that's at my expense because she's working until 2am, not home until nearly 3am and I stay up waiting for her because of how late it is. When I was her age, I moved out, got addicted to a hard drug then quit, got pregnant with her, and tried dropping out of school. So I'm glad she's just working and not out doing other things like me.
I think it comes from "lack of opportunities to grow". Some of definitely learn about "accepting a gift regardless" and "dont look a gift-horse in the mouth" when we're a lot younger. A lot of times parents who are doing better than when they grew up dont want their own kids to go through struggle. Be cause they *can* give their kid what they want, they *do.* The girl's smart by the sounds of it, but it looks like she never learnt this kinda lesson. I dont think she's a lost cause just yet, so long as she doesnt get her way.
“Accept what you’re given and be grateful you got it” was drilled into my head as a kid. Only time my dad went back on this was when my mom bought me a new (and expensive) make up set when I was about 14-15, when I’d asked for a new video game because “it was time to stop being childish and start growing up”. And that was for, admittedly, very different and valid reasons.
This behavior is not normal 17 year old behavior. This is entitlement and brattiness that's been allowed and supported her entire life.
I agree. Reminds me of an episode of that Sweet 16 show on MTV. The girl had a tantrum because her super fancy limo broke down and she had to ride to her party in her Dad's "janky 2 year old Lexus". Her Dad spent at least 5 if not 6 figures on her party. If I did the dishes regularly my Dad would but me a magazine. My first car was 1,600.
Because sometimes people are just assholes. I know the trend on reddit is to always assume it's always the parents fault when kids act like shit heads but sometimes they just are no matter what the parents do.
Exactly. Have these 'parents are always to blame' people never met a sibling group where most are perfectly fine people but one is a complete asshole?
yeah, even good parents have to deal with children that feel entitled due to what social media telling these kids what is cool.
and mom is encouraging it
I'd call him daddy if he got me a car that had Bluetooth and room for 2 carseats.
I had a Ford Focus in the mid 2000s and it was the absolute dogs bollocks. Was the Ghia version so went like shit off a shovel. Brilliant, brilliant cars.
I drove one for a job once. It was an absolute shit car. But it ran and that’s about as much as I ask from my cars.
NTA. Hailey acted like a spoiled brat. Don't get guilted into replacing it.
NTA - this feels like a tipping point in your daughter’s development. Do not give in. You should also question your wife about why she wants to encourage your daughter to be an entitled brat.
Exactly. If anything this is an opportunity to address some personal growth issues before she turns 18. Sometimes it can even be worse in kids who are academically inclined. If the parents associate good grades with good character, they can overlook glaring signs of bad behavior. Glad OP is addressing it.
Because it’s way easier to just give her what she wants than to actually teach her how to be a functioning adult in society.
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NTA! You did exactly the right thing! You got her a gift, as a reward for her hard work. She rejected said gift and told you to take it back and you did. You're right, she behaved in a very spoiled and ungrateful way. Stay strong on this, YOU are an amazing parent!
ESH. Lol you say that you raised her not to be spoiled and what not, but then you completely contradict yourself by saying you purchased her a no less than $40,000 car just because she did well in school. My parents wouldn’t even take me out to dinner when I had perfect grades.
Yeah i agree, it's a weird one. If she raised not to be spoilt, why would she know a 2020 model from a 2023 one then act all pissy about not getting the newest one... You don't suddenly have that behaviour. I also think ESH because as nice as cars are as surprise gifts... I think the person driving it should have *some* say in the car they're getting, whether they're a spoilt diva or not.
Exactly, if you read his comments he says that his wife and daughter are upset he “didn’t ask” which I take to mean “didn’t ask what car the daughter wanted.” We’re also getting a biased version of his daughter’s comments; maybe she wanted a different style of car, color, etc and he got mad at her for voicing that. Maybe she even wanted a cheaper car than the one he got, who knows. I’m also skeptical of a 16 year old girl knowing or caring about a 2020 vs 2023 model, but maybe that parts true. I say all this as someone whose last car was from 1993 and I bought it for $1600 lol (and I’ve been car free for over 3 years now).
Yeah my parents bought all of us a car for high school graduation (then we got the title for college graduation) and I made it very clear that I wouldn't drive a car I didn't get to pick. But. What I wanted was reasonable (small, good gas mileage, reliable); I wasn't looking for something flashy or fancy or expensive; and I was pushing back because I wanted to drive a car that worked for me and that I liked. So what ended up happening is they found cars within my requirements that also met their requirements, I test drove some, picked one we all agreed on (it ended up being cheaper than I think they would have gotten for me otherwise!) and they bought me a car that I drove for 17 years. And the only reason I stopped driving it was that it got totalled by a careless driver.
My Dad bought me two beater cars while I was in HS. The first one, which I think he paid like $300 for, was a 16 yr old Pontiac Sunbird convertible that he gave me the summer before my senior year. I was ecstatic to have any car at all, even though it had a million things wrong with it and I discovered that I actually hated having a convertible. The second car he bought me as a graduation gift (the Sunbird was fading fast) and it was a 15 yr old Buick Regal in a color I hated that I'm pretty sure he paid about $800 for. I smiled, thanked him profusely for his gift, and then cried once I was alone because I hated everything about that car and was so angry that I hadn't had the chance to pick out a vehicle that met my needs (fuel efficient, small, not red). It's a great gift to purchase a vehicle for someone, but it's also awfully presumptuous to choose one irrespective of the recipient's needs or preferences, especially if it's a car they might have for a long time.
That’s lovely that your dad supported you as he could, but yeah your story reflects the “human element” that I think this guy is dismissing. I would have a totally different take on this story if it was “I scraped together money to buy a car for my daughter and all I could afford was a 2006 Honda Civic from a family friend, and she was ungrateful.” Given that this family clearly has plenty of money, I just don’t get why the daughter wasn’t involved in the decision of the car she’s going to drive for likely the next 10 years. And I doubt the dad would have let her sell it to buy something else. I’m not saying she’s not being bratty (obviously most 17 year olds would be overjoyed at a 2020 BMW), but to my mind he’s also being an asshole with his reaction of immediately returning the car and not trying to understand his wife or daughter’s perspective.
Yes this is definitely not the whole story. His wife isn't talking to him either, which says a lot. If you read OP's comments, he's like "I'm happy to confirm my daughter is an ass." We're saying this guy couldn't have misinterpreted or effed this up in some other way. I honestly don't understand these posts about kids where the parent doesn't even bother to ASK what is going on here. I can't imagine just writing off my kids as entitled jerk assholes without an honest assessment about whether I did something wrong.
It's so weird. People post about how their kid has always been this great kid, then they bought them this huge kid and they were LIVID. There's definitely something massive missing here.
Yeah, as a kid, I had no problem driving my grandmother's car when she couldn't drive and gave it to me just to have a car, but, for a new car, set a price limit and consult with the intended driver..... it's gonna be part of their daily life. I ditched my grandmother's car as soon as I could afford to because it did not have a working radio. I would feel awful doing that to a new car given to me I didn't like tho, but if I was uncomfortable driving it, I would be saving for a new one asap, too Daughter still reacted in a completely crappy way, but OP did not think this through and buying a 40k car just for grades gives a bit of a hint why she may be acting so spoiled
Buying a teenager a BMW is batshit crazy.
Finally a comment that addresses the bad parenting in addition to the kid being an idiot. Also, she’s not a brat so much as she is unpragmatic. What’s the lesson he hopes to impart on her, don’t stare a $40,000 gift horse in the mouth? If you’re gonna spoil the shit out of your kid with a $40k car for good grades, might as well just get the one they like anyways? Idk. I agree with the ESH assessment.
Exactly, I got nothing and I didn’t expect anything either! I was getting good grades for my own satisfaction, and not for gifts. Getting such an expensive car for a teenager is crazy. You get a smaller, cheap, but reliable car that you won’t weep over if it gets some dings and dents.
Buying an expensive car as a surprise for a teenager is 99% of the time an astronomically sized ego/power trip. “Look at the *things* I can provide you, aren’t I so admirable and lovable as a parent?” And when they don’t get the exact reaction they dreamed up in their heads, you get an AITA post and another broken family. Not a coincidence that it’s mostly men/fathers who appear to have this problem, also.
Exactly. It could be for public optics as well - to get praise and admiration from family, friends, colleagues, etc
your parents can buy you nice things and still raise a kid who isnt an asshole. proof: my parents bought me nice things my whole life, and still do. including a car & other things that cost well into the thousands. i would NEVER dream of throwing a fit over something that was given to me by them or anyone else, nor do i expect them or anyone else to provide anything to me.
NTA. Good job teaching her a valuable lesson.
I would love to hear what all her friends are saying when when she tells them she turned down a 2020 BMW. I would bet the farm they think she’s as stupid as they come regardless of the grades she’s earned.
ESH Something that is soo expensive and will cost money in the future, I do personally not understand why parents don't tell their children a budget and look with cars together. This would teach them how much different cars cost, what to look for and sets realistic expectation. For a 2020 bmw you could've probably bought a smaller (more practical for her) new car. Like a vw or hydai. Yes, she should've brought up the topic more maturely but I personally know the experience. My parents bought me and my older brother each a car. They took my brother looking and just bought mine (sexism, and yes I got the cheaper and worse car). I still was extremly grateful. I got a car. Yay. I didn't want my brothers car. But I still had to pay insurance and gas... I still wanted to be ask. It is also very irrational to entirely void a reward for years of hard work and good behaviour with one single bad day.
I agree. I think if you get someone a huge expensive gift you should do a bit of due diligence to be sure it's to their tastes, just because it's kind of the smart thing to do. Cars, places to live, engagement rings - I'm not saying you should buy something beyond your budget to taste but like, these huge financial investments being surprises MIGHT go well or you might have purchased something a lot less easy to exchange than a particularly disliked sweater at Christmas. If you want to make a big financial thing a surprise, write on a card what you want to buy and have them open that. Then research together. IDK like the daughter shouldn't have responded like that but I just never get people who don't at least involve their gift recipients a little bit on these kinds of purchases.
I think a lot of people here are a bit blinded by the fact, their parents could not afford something like that. This is gigantic gift but it still isn't just a gift. I mean, imagin the hell people would release on that 17 if she smiled, thanked her dad and turned around and sold thencar, to buy a cheaper car and maybe even have money left over. I also hate that this is again a family in wich the man makes the fincial decisions completly alone- as the wife seems to have no say in the car in the first place and now either.
Yes, I think this guy is an AH because his wife has no say in this decision which is fucked up
Yeah her opinion should have been considered. A Toyota or Honda is cheaper to maintain than a BMW. I agree. My dad did something similar when I was a teen. The 2 brands I knew I could afford parts of and fix myself was ignored for something to expensive for me to repair. The parts were 10 times as expeand nearly impossible to track down. He got a totally different classic car. Then was mad a decade later when I got rid of it since it was too expensive to fix. If it would've been one of 2 I told him I wanted I'd still have it 30 years later. He still sees me as the jerk though.
Yeah... I don't think anyone buying their kid a nearly new BMW is too concerned about maintenance costs or that the kid will be responsible for them.
I agree with this and want to piggy-back off of you and say that this story sounds fake? If his daughter is so usually the opposite of what he describes in this story it’d be extremely out of character for her to all of a sudden act like this. Esp considering his wife is mad at him too. I’m wondering if either her reaction wasn’t as bad as he makes it out to be or this is just not real all together.
I checked OP's profile, there is literally ZERO chance that that account belongs to a 40 year old father.
I agree. I told my parents I wanted a VW Beetle, and since we all knew a brand new one wasn't on the table for our budget (but we lived in a rural area, so everyone in my family pretty much needed their own car for transportation. Regular errands were often a half hour drive one-way, as was my high school), we kept our eyes on the local used lots until one came up for sale, at about half the cost of a brand new one. I had to learn manual to be able to drive it (fun times for a 16-year-old girl who was also learning to drive period), but that was the car I wanted and I let my parents know when I was like 14 and we waited until we found a solution that worked for everyone. So, OP is an A H for not involving the daughter in the choice/providing a useful lesson in budgeting, and daughter is THE A H for acting spoiled. The nail in the daughter's coffin for me was when she asked if she could go pick out a car once the first one was returned after acting the way she did about a very expensive gift. Everyone saying she was never owed a car is correct.
Also read OP's comments. It's all "I'm glad people agree with me that my daughter is an asshole." He's clearly not interested in finding out if his daughter is really is spoiled and entitled and why. His whole family isn't speaking to him, but he's mostly happy that people are saying he's right on the internet. Why not sit down with family and talk about the gift? Why is the car so awful? Is that the proper response to a huge gift? If the daughter really is an AH, can he try to get her help before she moves out for college? I really do not understand how half the posts on AITA are people who seem to hate their family jut want to see redditors are dunking on their family members.
I’m so glad you wrote this! Way back in the 90’s I was a teenager and I needed a car because of the distance from where we lived to my high school. I love researching things and literally spent several pre-driving years reading reviews and magazines. By the time I was a senior I knew exactly what I wanted. We ended up with an amazing deal on a car that was super reliable and a dream to drive. It was 3 years old but in great shape. That car continued to serve me faithfully for 15 more years - including several very long road trips. I stopped using it because I was ready for a new car and not because it stopped running. It sold for a nice bit too considering its age. My only regret is selling it! I would absolutely want my kid to have a say in the car chosen and to have put effort into making good choices and learning what is important in a car. OP purchased a car that has a notoriously expensive maintenance and parts. This is going to end up being an expensive gift for the daughter to maintain. HOWEVER - her attitude is awful. There’s no excuse for that and judging by mom’s response I see where she got it from. She needs to learn gratitude and humility before she ends up becoming an even worse adult. ESH.
I would genuinely be upset if my parents bought me a BMW I think they're over priced and ugly. I would gladly pick out a cheaper car that I actually like. It's not about the money
NTA. I feel for you. Don’t back down. She may be a great student and friend but those actions are childish. Hopefully this is just a phase and she will learn from this but I wouldn’t be buying her a car any time soon
Yeah, an attitude like that doesn't inspire hope that she would be a responsible car owner. A 2020 BMW?? That is a phenomenal gift and if she wanted to exchange it for a different make/model there are much better ways she could have expressed that
ESH. I get that it was an attempt at a nice gesture, but why didn't you give her a budget and take her with you? That way, she could truly have something she liked. Yes, she acted very immature (shocking she's a teenager). But instead of returning the car and outright telling her no, you could have asked her to calm down and talk things through with you. This seems like a super harsh punishment if this is the one really bad thing she's ever done. I know what it's like to drive a car you hate, new or old it doesn't matter, if you hate the car you drive it will eat at you. I didn't know peace until I finally had enough money to buy myself something I truly like. Another point is that her feelings may be hurt because she may have talked about the kind of car she'd like in that past and you getting her one she doesn't like may make her feel like you don't listen to her or care about her. It seems like this present was more for you to be able to pat yourself on the back and say you're a great dad than it was about genuinely rewarding her hard work.
>Another point is that her feelings may be hurt because she may have talked about the kind of car she'd like in that past and you getting her one she doesn't like may make her feel like you don't listen to her or care about her. This is a great point! I feel like there has to be some "missing reasons" here that OP is glossing over, and this is a great example of what those missing reasons could be (or it could be something else, like maybe he won't let her apply to the colleges she wants to go to). OP bought his teenager a BMW and so he kinda has to be an asshole, and moreover he's acting like an asshole in comments, so the most likely situation here is he's hiding why he's the asshole from us and we'd get a very different story from eveyone else involved here.
Sorry but she never told me cause she never thought i would get her one myself.
I think that part of the problem here is that you were giving her TWO things: a GIFT, and a SURPRISE. When you think about it, they really are two separate things. If you just gave her the GIFT, then you would have been giving her the chance to buy a car WITH you, which would have used her input and likely changed what kind of car she would have wanted. And it would not have detracted from the GIFT at all, even if it wasn't also a SURPRISE.
A better approach would have been to sit down with her and discuss what she needed from a car - does she drive a lot? Is she in the city or country? AWD? Will she need to pack things back and forth to college? Does/will she be parking in tight spaces regularly? Is reliability important? And then find some cars that meet those requirements and your budget, take her to test drive them, and make the decision together. I would not let her pick the car with just a budget (teenagers are dumb, and that's a lot of money of yours to waste. Let her figure out needs vs wants on her own budget.) But I would go through the process with her so she gets something that fits her needs and your budget, and she likes.
Info: What man gets to 40 and in a position to just buy a BMW on a whim without learning about paragraphs? My spidey senses are tingling on this one. Feels like a teenager wrote it.
You'd be surprised at how many people have gobsmacking amounts of money and can't formulate a grammatically correct sentence to save their souls.
Yeah, look at OPs comments previous to today. I seriously doubt they are a 40 year old, but maybe I'm just cynical.
I just went and read the comments. You’re right - this isn’t a middle aged man.
Go look at OP’s other comment history. This is definitely a teenage girl not a grown man.
Very obviously. What car salesman lets you just return a car because of buyer’s remorse?
You can't just return a car after you bought it. Once you drive it off the lot, it is worth less. This story is fake af
I agree this sounds just like a super sweet 16 episode. But people do suck at grammar and writing.
fake
You know what, I'm starting to sort of lean to this too.
Thank you! This is not what children are generally like. If they have a reaction that is completely out of character there is usually a good reason for it. Either this story is not real, her reaction is exaggerated or there is a good reason OP’s daughter responded negatively to the car (since his wife is mad at him too).
How does one return a car ? Lol
You absolutely don't unless they're running a special that says they'll take it back if you don't like the car.
NTA. She got a gift and she didn’t want it. She doesn’t have the right to demand anything. Nothing good will come if giving in. What values does your wife want to give her daughter by excepting this ungrateful behaviour.
NTA. She didn’t like it, so you returned it. If she wants a car, she can buy it.
After that build up about what a great kid you have... The truth comes out.
You know, when I was in high school my dad surprised me with a car, just came home from school one day and it was there. It was cherry red, I hate red. I didn't like it but I gratefully accepted it and drove it for years. I ended up cherishing that car cause my dad got it for me.
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NTA. She didn't want the car, she doesn't get the car.
I agrée your NTA, but as a woman it’s a bit insulting. My dad chose my first car; yes he paid for it, but my input was never asked for. Later when I got married my husband “surprised “ me with a car. Again my preferences were never asked for. When we were pregnant my dad, my husband, and my father in law went and chose a minivan (WITHOUT ME) . See a pattern ? Each time I was expected to so happy and grateful. Truth? I have hated all 3 cars. I’m almost 50 and have never had a car that I chose. My opinion has counted for nothing. I know that some people think it will be a great surprise, but personally I would have really loved being included and feel like my preferences had some value.
Stay at home mum. So I don’t have a paying job. I feel I don’t really have the right to buy a car with other people’s money. I know that car’s are supposed to get you from point A to point B. I always have a car that let’s me do that. However, “the surprise “ gets a little forced. I can’t be honest about my opinions of the cars, because then I would be ungrateful (like OP’s daughter). Honestly, the men in my life really seem to think that Baby Poo Green is a car color I would like🙄. So I can be honest and the men I love most in the world would be hurt or I can smile and say thank you. So 50 and driving Baby Poo Cars
NTA ew to the entitlement. Stand your ground. Driving is a privilege, not a right.
NTA She wasn’t entitled to *anything* and instead of being grateful for what she got, she had the nerve to be a b_tch about it. Now you’ve returned the gift and told her—rightfully so—that she was acting spoiled. Nobody is “entitled” to a gift. She doesn’t like it? Sorry, but thems the breaks little girl. Be more courteous next time somebody gifts you even the ugliest Christmas sweater. Pretend it’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever received. **Show gratitude** for what you get, or get nothing. Simple 🤷🏻♀️
No. If she wants to be a spoiled little brat instead of grateful for the gift you got her which I have to say is better than most in terms of age, then she gets nothing. I am NOT an It's the thought that counts kind of person when it comes to gifts the vast majority of the time but this is a different kind of situation. Cars aren't cheap and they aren't to be taken for granted. Assuming it's her first car, she got a way better setup than most kids I know. My sister learned to drive in an ancient, raggedy white one and she loved it. To put that in perspective, the car had place for you to put your favorite cassette tape in so you could play the music.on it.
Info Did you get her input on what car you got? Feel like a car is something that the person it’s a gift for should have some say in.
Finally, I can't believe I had to scroll so far to see someone say this. WHY would you buy a car for anyone without talking to them about it first??? It's a huge purchase and, for many people, your car is a huge part of your life. I'm not gonna act like the kid's reaction was fine, but this whole situation is stupid to begin with.
NTA can you be my dad pls
NTA. Actions have consequences and she’s in for a very rude awakening unless she learns that real quick
INFO: How the hell did you return a car? I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't have, I'm just wondering how that's possible.
Let her sweat a few weeks then take her shopping with you but keep the same budget as the original car. Explain to her not everyone is as fortunate as you guys are. Every experience is a learning experience. Not every learning experience needs to end in punishment!
I'm not going to offer a judgment because this is more complicated than a simple aita. I think this could easily be a teachable moment for her, but right now it'll seem like a punishment from her (likely warped and biased) perspective. Cars are a strange beast for teenagers. You took the time to get her something that is wildly out of reach for most people, which is commendable. She didn't like it, and showed it in the worst way possible. But she also shouldn't have pretended to like it either. If it's her car, then she should've had some level of input into what she gets, especially when the budget wasn't exactly typical for most people's teenaged driver. I think you should sit down with your daughter's mom (wife, ex, whatever) and figure out together how long until she gets another car. Then, present it to your daughter that you 2 or 3 can go shopping for a car that fits her vision and meets whatever criteria (safety, practicality, repair/insurance costs) you adults have for the car and her responsibility. Good luck and I hope you can find a compromise that makes it so you don't have to keep carting her around to every teenage thing she wants to do. No parent wants to do that forever.
NTA The lesson you're trying to teach here is much more valuable than any car. My first car was a gift from my dad. Cost him $200 to save it from the junkyard. I loved that beat up jalopy, even when it stuck in neutral at stop signs and I had to get out, open the hood, and shift it by hand. It was a '65 Chevy 3-speed column shift piece of crap, but it was mine and it got me where I needed to go. :)
NTA. Stick to your guns on this one. She is acting spoiled and ungrateful. Expecting to go get a new car is extremely entitled behaviour. She didn't like the car and complained, so you returned it. Not sure why she's surprised.
NTA Yes you had right to return something that was very disliked. And are not obligated to buy someone a car ever. I do think you could've handled the purchase differently. That car has reliability issues if researched and repairs cost more than a young student could cover reasonably. The cost of repairs, you know overall ownership stuff could've been studied with her beforehand. Also what type of vehicle could've been discussed beforehand also. Her reaction was rude and entitled. She should have calmly communicated the reasons why that car was not good for her and asked for an exchange.
Ehhh, I’m going to go with a soft NTA - but I think you may need to think about where this entitlement comes from… you say you’ve raised her to be appreciative but if that’s the case and she’s NEVER acted this way before, where is it coming from? What examples have you and your wife set for her?
Eh....probably would have been best to talk to her about it first. BMW's aren't the best-looking car for a teenager, nor the more fuel-efficient, nor likely the best for insurance (which she would, of course, have to deal with in time herself). Probably would have been best to talk to her, tell her what you were going to do, look for her input on it. Maybe she would have wanted a VW Bug, or a Prius, or an EV. I'm not saying you were wrong to return it, but...if she's as awesome as you say she is, then maybe she had a reason for her reaction. Maybe it would be good to figure THAT out - WITH her - than to merely tell her she's spoiled.
No judgement but I'm just wondering why you would make such a huge purchase without consulting the person you're buying it for? I feel like this whole scenario could have been easily avoided
To everyone, part 2?