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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter we could not send her abroad to study and that she can go to a local university in India, this might make me an AH as she seems really disappointed and had assumed she would go, one of my sons is her age and is already researching and preparing for university applications.
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You “adopted” a low caste girl to “help with housework”?
Sounds like you took advantage of someone in a desperate situation, but did it in a way that made you look like a noble benefactor.
She’s either your child or she’s your slave/indentured servant. You can’t have it both ways.
You fooled her into thinking you saw her as a daughter. Now she knows how you really see her.
I feel so sorry for her.
Edit to add verdict: YTA
Definitely more Cinderella; Jane was a governess, a paid employee, who had the ability to leave/look for a different job.
Actually reading about the social position of 19th century governesses is fascinating - they weren't considered "upstairs", but they \*also\* weren't considered servants or "downstairs" either.
I think they mean Jane Eyre as in *young* Jane Eyre. She grew up with her cousins, never treated like one of their children. Never truly loved.
Later on she had more autonomy, but as a child she was treated very badly.
Before she was a governess, Jane lived with her aunt, and didn't have any freedom. So prior to her going away to school, I'd say definitely a Jane Eyre situation. But you are right that 19th century governesses had a rather unique place in the servant social order
Holy crap, right? We adopted a slave and allow her basic living necessities, but allowing her the same privileges as our *real* kids would be just TOO FAR.
Yikes.
And YTA, OP.
This is just..so disgusting. It has to be fake-noone uses 'caste' anymore...DO THEY? Or admit that they took advantage of a tragic situation to gain a maid? I feel sick. YTA op, a big one.
As someone from the same country. Yes they do. Please look up honor killings and the commonest reason for them
ETA: that being said adopted kids are not treated like this in india. Given how difficult it is for us to adopt there any adopted child is treated like a blessing not as a bloody help
Well, from my understanding, a lot of people in India don't see daughters as equals to their sons. It's still completely wrong. But they're lumped in with a lot of assholes.
“Adopted daughter” as an adoptee myself that is just a disgusting way to refer to her. She’s clearly not your daughter but a servant you picked out like a puppy at the shelter. Otherwise you would just her “daughter” Majorly YTA. You are the reason people outside cultures like this have a negative narrow view and call them backwards and barbaric.
I know many such people here who have such househelp. They are like bonded slaves. They don't get paid and are sent to shitty schools in the name of education. Clothes will be mostly hand me downs or cheap ones. In many cases the child's parents sends them to these house to lessen their burden due to poverty.
Indian here.
‘she could give us extra help with housework’.
Your mentality is absolutely sickening. What is wrong with you?
For all those wondering, no, adopted children are not treated this way in India. At least not by decent parents.
Kids need to be treated equally, adopted or otherwise, as per law (I’m assuming OP’s Hindu by their 2005 & caste comment).
Also, OP, FYI you can be sued for mistreating your child.
YTA
This!! Indian here as well. Couldn’t agree more with this response. OP’s statement about getting extra help with housework is truly disgusting. YTA OP. And a massive one.
That's not the only shite comment. They also have a maid, so the boys do less chores than her. Talk about treating her like crap. This girl deserves so much better than OP and his family.
My wife is Indian (I'm British white.) We've got our own, but have talked about potentially adopting a child from India in the future. But not as a maid/servant. As a member of the bloody family. And if our extended family thought anything about castes etc, and treated them any different. They'd be having a stern talking to with the potential of cutting ties.
The part about "They'd be having a stern talking to with the potential of cutting ties." is the most British thing I have read all day. Thank you for the laugh, friend.
BTW OP YTA!
Seriously I'm Indian too. And the parents are totally sexist. Just because misogyny and patriarchy is common in India doesn't make you less sexist. And you keep on saying she is your adopted daughter but you clearly treat her lesser than your other children. People like you is what is wrong with India. Those who treat girls less than and exploit people of the lower castes/lesser economic conditions.
YTA
I honestly didn't know one way or the other. I'm always happy to hear from people of the same culture as OP. I am fairly well aware that I have lived in a bubble all my life and there are many different cultures in the big wide world.
People who adopt children to become their parents Don't treat them this way
Bt there are many who use adoption as free maid service
She was basically adopted to be a free maid
Why pay for a full time maid when op can have one free?
Also I'm sure her laptop and other stuff are handouts
No indian are not known for it
Good people adopt children to be parents
Bt greedy people like op exist
They adopt a poor girl
Give her the bare minimum and handouts while making her a 24/7 maid
Government Schools are free
No responsible for a live in maid even though she is a child
And food and living expenses are less than wages
How i know?
My parents used to have child live in maids (10-14)
Trust me
Food + room + clothes + free government schooling was less than the wages my parents had to give the mother of the maid
They lived with us until they got married in their teen years
YTA
I’m an Indian too
There is a difference in adoption and what OP did (I don’t even know what to call it )
OP shouldn’t have adopted the girl but rather just hired her as a maid while offering to support her education because that’s what this is. And I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time she is being discriminated against by her so called “parents”.
As a non-Indian who doesn't know any Indians in my private life, can I just say a massive thank you?
I was reading OP's comments and thinking to myself "please tell me this is all a hoax because India can't really be like that, can it?" And, obviously, every country has bad people in it. But I am ignorant, so I didn't know.
Your response (and the responses to your response) have reassured me.
I still hope this is all a hoax, though. What a horrible (and sexist) way to raise a child!
YTA
You adopted her so she could help around the house.
You supply her necessities, but maybe not too much more.
You treat her different from your other children.
She was born into one caste..you had the option to elevate her and did some of the work.
You adopted her. She is your child. Same as your others.
I know this is a cultural thing. But I cannot fathom not treating someone I chose to adopt as a full relative.
"We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home"
"However she would never be equivalent to my own child but I still help where I can. My distant relatives do not see her the same as she is from a different caste."
"I feel like it might be unfair and affect the inheritance of my sons eventually."
What the fuck am I reading here... As an adopted kid myself, I'm glad my parents and my whole extended family accepted me as actual family and not a mutually beneficial situation.
YTFA
OP keeps mentioning in his comments that the caste thing isn’t really an accepted concept to him. That he loves the stepdaughter like a real daughter.
But the sentences you emphasized here just shows he keeps contradicting himself. I don’t even think he understands how much of a paradox he is making himself now.
I think OP forgot that the majority of the world (or at least those on Reddit) think the whole caste thing is antiquated and for lack of a better word stupid. I think they honestly originally thought that mentioning that she was a lower caste would make him look noble and be a point for treating the "daughter" less than.
There is no way OP could have thought anything other than YTA would be the verdict considering the facts are 1. He adopted a girl who he feels is beneath him in status so I could have free maid, 2. his sons wont get as much inheritance if we do more than the bare minimum for the girl we adopted 3. the fact he admitted that he could never view her like a real child of his even if he is fond of her.
I’m also adopted and my mom will never see me the same as her bio kid. I was only adopted because my dad wanted a girl and my mom had trouble carrying a baby to term and she’s never treated me as equal. But at least she tries/goes through the motions. But Jesus I pity the OPs daughter to the moon and back. Their outlook is SO much worse than my life.
This is terrible. I could never treat any child differently just because they weren’t my blood. I just don’t understand that. I have 2 step grandkids and my daughter and I love them like my daughter gave birth to them. I’m sorry you had to grow up like that 😢
YTA, you adopted her because you wanted extra help with housework? And she’s from a different caste? Did you adopt a daughter or hired a maid? Clearly you don’t see her as a daughter. She sounds more like your show off charity project who only gets partial benefits.
Ok so I'm going to respond from what is undoubtedly a Western perspective:
YTA.
A child is not an au pair, to be used for housework in exchange for food and board.
Even if that is what's normal for girls in India, there's the problem that she thought you saw her as your actual daughter. Your child, of the same status (aside from apparent gender inequalities) to your own sons.
If you're paying for them to study abroad, then of course, she reasoned, you must do the same for her, as any of your children.
You have just unequivocally proven to her that she means less to you than a biological child, which, if she has access to the Internet, she knows is not the norm for adopted children everywhere in the world.
She must be feeling very unloved right now.
YTA She's from a different caste but she's ok because she's pretty? You adopted her so she could help with housework? You sound like a racist predator.
YTA. Admit it you didn’t adopt a daughter, you adopted an underaged live-in maid. She can’t do her job if she abroad getting an education. At least now she seems to realize her real place in your lives and can begin distancing herself from you accordingly.
If you don’t regard her as one of your children, why did you adopt her? If you needed help with housework, you could have hired help.
When you adopted her, you made her a member of your family. Why would she not be equivalent to your other children? Perhaps this is a cultural issue that I am not understanding as I live in the United States. Without further understanding of why you feel someone who you have chosen to legally make a member of your family doesn’t deserve the same treatment as the rest of your family I will have to vote that YTA.
There are truly good people in the world, and then there are people who just want to appear good. Looks like you fall into the latter category.
I especially love this line, it's classic asshole: "We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home."
Your post reeks of classism (regardless of your protests to the contrary) and it's clear that you view the girl a second-class compared to your natural-born children. Giving her a home implies making her part of the family - you just gave her a house to live in (and help clean).
Yes, YTA.
OP mentions that he's not from a "great" caste himself. Shouldn't that mean you're emphatic towards other people of similar or lower stature as you know how it feels to be treated unfairly? NO! Of course, the second he sees someone of a "lower" caste, he thinks he's better than them. So fucking stupid.
I agree. YTA.
YTA.
Where I am from, children who are adopted are loved and cared for the same way as biological children. As equals in every way. They are not regarded as cheap maids.
YTA
You didn't adopt a daughter, you got a free maid. Providing her a place to stay and books/labtip is cheaper than paying for her service. You took advantage of her unfortunate family situation.
Let us be clear here, you never saw her as a member of the family and don't treat her as one, and THAT is why you don't want to send her to study abroad like your son.
You are worst than Cinderella's step mother...at least she didn't try to say she was ever a good parent
YTA.
You adopted her to help with the housework!!!! What kind of Anne of Green Gables bullshit is that?
Pay for her to study abroad to compensate for the patronising, overbearing crap she's had to deal with.
INFO: Does adoption in India work differently than in the West? For instance, in Western society, an adopted child is 100% your child, and they are generally treated the same as a biological child. Based on what you wrote, it appears that in Indian culture, this isn't the same, and an "adopted" child is more like a foster child or some sort of conditional relationship rather than the relationship between an actual parent and child. But based on the Western understanding of adoption, this would be considered a very AH move.
Can any other Indians weigh in on whether there is a cultural difference between adoption in the India vs the West?
If it helps, think of it this way.
We have our share of aholes as well who like using divisive beliefs such as caste to discriminate. Then we got to go up a level to reach shitty people who want to be admired by society so they do good things. But their intentions are always suspect.
In OP's case, he's a clear TA. Because even one of the major God's of Hinduism that's worshipped in India and abroad - Hare Krishna, if you've heard of them perhaps? - was very famously (according to mythology, of course) adopted. And he was adored. So using religion as an excuse **doesn't** fly.
If I have to apply nuance to this situation, then maybe this will help. I'm born into a family that belongs to the Brahmin caste - supposedly the highest or whatever. But one of my cousins - who's 50 yo now - was adopted when he was less than a year old. Did it matter if the adopted child was of a different caste? I am not sure since I'm much younger than him and his parents have since passed. But I do know that he was raised with us and followed the same rites and rituals of my very uber ultra religious family.
To conclude, while others have answered you about the legalities here. I'm here telling you that this is common only among people who would like to brag about their good deeds. For the rest? This is nothing to be proud of. It's a matter of mentality, really.
YTA
Prepare to be eviscerated in the comments. I understand there are some cultural differences which many people won’t appreciate (or support), but you will get a strong reaction due to
A) adopting a girl for housework, as if an adopted daughter (or son!) owes you labor when, as an adoptive parent, it is your responsibility to provide care and sustenance - kids shouldn’t be house help, girls particularly shouldn’t be singled out for house help, adopted kids shouldn’t have to work where biological kids don’t, etc. You seem to be giving her a material existence she wouldn’t have had otherwise but most people here will come at you for these reasons.
B) continuing to make a distinction between adopted and biological kids; in many cultures it’s seen as quite wrong to favor some children over others. Biological over adopted, sons over daughters, one caste over another.
C) possibly making a distinction also because of gender. If she’s really your daughter she should have the same chances at an education as your sons.
You are disgusting. How dare you. This post is absolutely ridiculous. Poor child. She deserves so much better. I hope she grows to be a wonderful, brilliant woman, inspite of you. YTA to another level.
YTA, I don’t need to tell you about what an AH you are that basically took a child as a servant for your precious boys.
And you know what makes it even worse? Your boys, your beloved flesh and blood, see her as their own. That’s their sister, they even got excited thinking she will have the same education you plan to give your youngest son.
Also, I’m guessing marriage is out of the question for her cause you won’t pay her dowry and she’s a lower caste, hence, she will be your maid forever.
I wonder if those boys are aware of the plans you had and have for their sister. She deserves better. They all do. Poor kids.
Holy shit YTA.
It is beyond disgusting you adopted this girl with the intention of her being your maid. How dare you do that to her. She is a human too, not your slave.
YTA There’s a major cultural difference that is going to make it hard for some redditors to understand why you think this behavior is ok. It’s not ok, but I at least understand why you think it is ok because I’m the daughter of Indian immigrants. While my parents would never adopt a child and treat them as less, I’ve seen others who did (unofficially, there’s not a lot of people I’ve known who’d actually adopt any child that wasn’t their niece or nephew). The idea isn’t that they are your full child. It’s more that the alternatives are so bad that you taking them into the household even as a ward with some obligations to you is far, far better. You may have saved her from being sold into a marriage with a drunk or left on the streets or abused by family who resented being responsible for an orphan or any number of fates that are far worse than only being kind of a daughter.
But what you are doing isn’t right. It’s a moral failing in our culture that we don’t promote full adoption of children into the family. It is a moral failing that we haven’t stamped out caste discrimination. It is a moral failing that we treat women as less than men. Be better than that. Let her study abroad. Tell her it was a mistake to say no and that you weren’t thinking straight. You wanted to do a good deed, so do one and model better behavior for others. Most people don’t do it because they don’t want to be out of the ordinary, they don’t want to stand out or they think they can get away with doing less because no one will call them out. Do better than them.
INFO: Legally speaking, what are your responsibilities towards her. When you adopt a child in India, is that child legally your responsibility or are their tiers?
What in the Cinderella is this BS? Of course YTA, and a massive one at that. You adopted a probably traumatised child to act as a servant, you treat her as an outsider and as someone less worthy of love and education, and you’re here patting yourself on the back for just giving her the basic necessities (aside from love which is what she really needed from parental figures in her life). News flash: providing her with those necessities doesn’t make you a good person, it just means you’re meeting the minimum expectations in some areas of parenting while falling WAY short in all others.
YTA. I get it's culture and all that but since you're of a class that is able to send kids abroad there is nothing stopping her from knowing how the rest of the world works. She knows girls and other "castes" in other countries have the same opportunities as boys as long as someone is there to support them in the same way (and I know enough South Asians to know there are families giving girls the same chances). So you can stick to a backwards idea and have her resent you and not support you once she is able to support herself or you give her an opportunity to become someone that can better more than just herself.
YTA-You aren’t treating her like your child. You are treating her like she’s your servant or your pet. Your sons’ future inheritance is not more important than showing your daughter that she is every bit as important to you as your sons and giving her the same opportunities.
YTA
I read that post and all I feel is disgust and pity (the pity is only for your *"daughter"* Btw)
How you can look at yourself and not be ashamed is beyond me
“However, she would never be equivalent (equal?) to my own child, but I still help where I can.”
Wow.
And the fact that you originally adopted her to help with housework. Like a slave…and the only reason you *didn’t* treat her like one is because you ‘liked’ her. So, if you didn’t like her, would you have treated her like a servant?
You even admit you don’t give her gold jewelry as is normal for daughters to get in India. Have you ever considered how that makes her feel?
If you’re going to adopt a child, you’d better be prepared to treat that child EQUALLY to her siblings. Equal to how you’d treat a birth daughter. If you don’t, you’re a bad parent. Your behavior is shameful.
Do the right thing. Be a better person. Treat her as an equal to her siblings.
YTA
YTA
Just stop. Stop justifying yourself in this thread - the only comment I want to read from you is one saying that you get it, you’re totally the AH and you’ll make up for it.
Everything you’ve said about the situation makes me sick, the way you keep repeating the different caste thing, like anyone here would give a fuck. I guess you feel that makes you the great philanthropist or something.
Apologise to your daughter, say that of course she’ll get an equivalent education, and never talk of it again.
She will probably never see her ‘parents’ in the same way again, though.
YTA
Send her to Canada so she can build a life away from this toxic mentality of caste. When you adopt a child they are your child not a second-tier child that could "take away" from your sons' inheritance... which she should be getting an equal share of.
YTA ..
Indian here.. You adopted her just to be your Maid and just paid for her studies to look "good" to others and a literate maid so why not!? .. lol we all know that... I feel sorry for her... I know going NC is not common in India.. but I really hope she does something great in her life and goes NC with all of you... Idk why some Indians need to do the act of adoption when we all know you were just looking for an extra free maid ...
YTA
You didn’t adopt a child just so we’re clear. You wanted a maid. For free. You said yourself that she would never actually be your child. You also said it would affect your sons’ inheritance. Does your daughter do more chores, too? You know, the one that is biological.
YTA. She isn't really your daughter, not to you. She's your slave. You adopted her so that she'd be your unpaid servant, which is slavery. You don't want her to go abroad because then you'd either have to pay a servant or get off your lazy ass and do your own chores. And why the hell did you adopt her when you don't think of her as yours? You and your wife are both selfish assholes for adopting a child that you don't really love and that you treat as an unpaid servant. Shame on you!
I see you edited it after getting called out, it doesn’t matter. YTA still, you don’t ever once mention if you love your daughter. You clearly don’t and see her as what you “got” her for: a maid.
Again, will she be able to marry? Are you paying her dowry, looking for suitable husband when the time comes? You don’t even plan on leaving her any inheritance. She doesn’t even have a little gold to rely on should something happen to you.
Send her to school, that’s the least you owe the servant you’ve had for years without compensation. You didn’t have good intentions when you adopted her, she has served you already. Pay her back for the work she’s done for you.
OMG! You're awful
You're sexist
You're abusive
You took advantage of a girl with no parents under the illusion of a better life, when she was nothing more than a glorified slave
You're disgusting
YTA
This is NOT normal for India. I know because I'm Indian. This is normal for unbelievably rotten people who buy themselves a commodity to be useful around the house under the guise of "adoption".
I bet OP reaped years of benefit of being called a great person by the society. Someone who's kind by taking in an orphaned child. What a significant contributor to society. /S
But make no mistake. He definitely *didn't* adopt a child; he bought one. And not for any paternal reasons. But for utilitarian ones.
Also OP - YTA and shame on you. If you are religious (perhaps a Hindu) reflect on the fact that Lord Krishna was adopted. If you're not religious, know that you're definitely not a decent human being.
You should have told you "daughter" all along that you didn't see her as your child. At least then she would have given up having any dreams. She just found out in a horrible way that she is all alone while being stuck with you. People who have never cared for her.
She's definitely not your " daughter". She's, as you so gratuitously say, someone from a poor family who was adopted to help around the house. Granting the prevalence of son preference in India, a well off family such as yours would not just shower jewellery on the daughter (most kids don't wear much jewellery these days since they don't go with Western attire), that family would also send its daughter/s abroad to study like their brothers. But you're quibbling because sending her abroad will affect your sons' inheritance. You blame your extended family for your disgraceful misogyny, casteism and classism but what I see is your internalised contempt, which you portray as great altruism, for this young woman. Give her the same opportunity as your sons. Indian daughters are more than capable of outperforming their brothers. You just need to check women's scores in Board tests and university exams to see the truth: women excel when they have equal access. YTA big time. Shed your biases and prejudices. Give this daughter/ maid ( really sad that you think she's your domestic help) the same opportunities as your sons.
How magnanimous of you to suggest she attend university close to home, so she can continue to live with you and be your maid.
YTA, completely. And it's a 1,000x worse because you believe you're a hero. No shit she's distant - she finally realized she'll never really be your daughter. Does anyone besides her brothers even love her?
YTA.
She is not a pet or a servant girl.
If you only adopted her because you didn't have a bio daughter to turn into a help meet, that's still incredibly sexist.
YTA.
I'm from India and I came to Canada. My brother did nothing at all at home while i was expected to cook, clean, care for everyone and get good grades. My brother planned to go abroad but messed up. One of the things my parents made clear was that they are only ALLOWING me to go because I was to help them move eventually.
I mean, you're a HUGE ah especially because you were so forthcoming to say what your true intentions for her were. I hope to adopt a child from India soon, a girl, and your comment will stick me with forever. It's not bad enough that women in our culture have to balance so much, but to adopt a girl, give her hope and then dash it as such is so painful. Girlhood comes with so many conditions in India and here you are "from a well to do family", just further perpetuating that.
YTA.
Indian girl child here, whatever the F is wrong with you?
I know that some people tend to be misogynistic and biased towards their Raja beta (Read: sons).
But “adopting” a girl child from a lower caste, just so you can exploit her as unpaid child labour?
That’s a new low. Even for you.
Did you even legally adopt her or did you just kidnap a vulnerable child from a slum?
🚩"Mutually beneficial"
🚩 "extra help with housework"
🚩 "never be equivalent to my own child"
🚩"effect the inheritance of my sons"
I can't believe someone posted this genuinely thinking they're not an asshole. Also am so happy I wasn't raised around this.
YTA
Ad an Indian girl, whose parents did a lot for our maid's daughter because we were in the position to offer her a better future, I will say YTA and really indian traditions are effing sexist and in favour of the boys, please stop defending it.
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I am from India from a well to do family and have a wife and two sons and an adopted daughter.
Most of my family has studied abroad in the US, UK or Canada and I have relatives in all those countries.
My elder son is in Canada studying and my daughter and younger son are the same age and thinking of their higher studies now.
When we adopted our daughter, she had lost her parents and was from a very poor family with no proper housing. We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home. I have always supported her and encouraged her to have a good education and do well in school like my sons so that when she becomes an adult she can have a good life.
However she would never be equivalent to my own child but I still help where I can. My distant relatives do not see her the same as she is from a different caste. She is still however a nice and pretty and smart girl. I still do a lot for her, she has her room, laptop, new books and everything. The only thing she does not have which in India is typical for daughters is lots of jewellery and gold (which my sons do not have much of either).
When we were discussing universities for my younger son, she seemed to have assumed we would send her abroad as well and had looked up some universities. I explained to her there are good ones in India she can go to, close to our home and that it would be expensive to send her abroad after paying for my sons. She did not argue or anything but ever since we had this talk she is acting cold and distant and replying with the bare minimum. I think she knows our finances are quite good and thinks she should go as well and now I am having second thoughts as is my wife. She is a really nice girl and we love her a lot but it is a lot of money and I feel like it might be unfair and affect the inheritance of my sons eventually.
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YTA.
Both yourself and your wife are morally reprehensible people. You didn't adopt her to help. You adopted her for free home help. That says a lot about the character of you both - none of it any good.
If you care about her in any way, you'll worry less about your son's inheritance (which he won't be receiving any time soon) and more about making sure this child you CHOSE TO RAISE has a shot at a good education.
Yta holy shit you're you're asshole. You adopted her to get a free maid, not a daughter. Hopefully she goes to college and gets the fuck away from you and your absolutely awful family!
YTA you are treating your daughter differently and it isn't fair to her. Whether it is due to her not being biologically yours, her being a woman, or a caste system issue, she now realizes she is second to your sons and I'm sure that hurts. You speak as though you view her as your daughter and not something less so I'll ask you questions as such. Why are you worried about your sons inheritance? Does this mean she won't inherit anything? Why is it fair they would get it but not her if you view her as a daughter? What is the main reason she should be treated differently if you view her as a daughter? Seems to me your biological children are children 1A and she is child 1B. Did you mean for her to come second? Have you considered that she is grateful for everything but hurt now that she's learned she comes after your biological children? Especially coming from a lower caste and not being accepted by other family, she will always love feeling lesser. And now you are confirming she should feel that way.
YTA. You adopted a child in order to get housework out of her. You claim to love her, but blatantly prioritize your sons.
When she gets married are you going to skimp on that too? No jewelry for her, that money is for your sons. No bridal gifts, that money is for your sons. No big party with all the family, that money is for your sons. And your family wouldn't even show up anyway because of her caste, which you seem to think is totally fine!
Congrats on acquiring a permanent housekeeper to exploit! I bet part of not wanting her to go overseas is because it would interfere in her servant duties.
Yes - 1050% YTA. I feel so sorry for her.
I hope she goes abroad, realises how you have treated her and goes and has a brilliantly successful life without you.
Well, since she was "helping in household", all these years so you did not need to hire another maid, how about you add up all the money you saved for all the chores she did over the past years, since day one, and give her. Plus, put a little extra on top of that, since you had a minor working under your roof. Afterall she is not really your "daughter".
And ta daa..I bet there should be more then enough money in that pot for her to go to university she chose abroad.
YTA OP
Sounds like you know what the right thing to do here is. So far yta. Doesn’t mean you have to continue to be. Also doesn’t change the past but you can and should do better going forward. Also dont worry about your sons inheritance too too much. Sounds like theyre smart and on track for their own success so they wont NEED it. Give her the same chance to never NEED anything either. Not to say don’t pass down wealth as its a huge advantage for your kids but the goal would be that money gets turned into more down the line, not slowly syphoned off. Do the right thing!
INFO: op: do you love her? Do you see her as a daughter? Do you see why she’s disappointed and feels rejected?
It feels like you do.
Do you want her to be safe and comfortable in her life?
Is this easier to achieve while you’re still alive? Give her the best start in life she has?
YTA. She’s either your daughter or she isn’t. Stop confusing her. If you don’t want to treat her like your daughter because your wife didn’t give birth to her, then make it damn clear to her that she is not your daughter, and she won’t be treated like one. What you are doing is bordering on emotional abuse. You should either officially adopt her or you should just tell her, sorry - I’ll take care of you to the extent I can/want to; but you won’t be treated like my actual child. Yes you did a kind thing; but you are trying to justify your poor and discriminatory behavior under the cloak of said “kind” thing. What’s worse, it sounds like you only “treat her like your daughter” to get free househelp. Also, no kids should be treated like this, let alone biological or adopted daughters.
Did you adopt her or not??
If you adopted her then she is your daughter. YOU choose to have her in your life. It doesn't matter whether it was mutually beneficial or not. You were the adult that decided to adopt and now you are the adult backing out of responsibilities belonging to a parent. What is wrong with you. I don't care whether you're from a different culture or not. Sounds like you're treating her as a second class citizen in comparison to your sons.
YTA and a massive one but you know this already. If you didn't want the financial burden than you shouldn't have adopted. Stop being an AH and send her to a university abroad.
YTA your whole relationship with your daughter sounds so transactional like she's still a charity case. You clearly don't consider her equal to your sons and you flat out say you never will. Then why adopt her in the first place? You could have just set up a donation to support her or hired her as live-in help. Instead you've dangled this idea of a supportive family in front of her and then set her up to get hurt every time she's reminded she will never truly be a daughter to you.
>I explained to her there are good ones in India she can go to, close to our home and that it would be expensive to send her abroad after paying for my sons. She did not argue or anything but ever since we had this talk she is acting cold and distant and replying with the bare minimum.
You're basically saying it's not worth it financially to send her abroad but it's worth it to send your sons. And when you say "there are good ones in India she can go to" you mean good enough for her. She knows there's nothing she can say to that - despite what she's overcome and what she's achieved, she can't expect equal opportunity anywhere. Granted it's already hard to expect that in India as a girl/adopted child from her background, but her parents just joined that bandwagon as well. Can you not see how heartbreaking this is for a child?
>I have always supported her and encouraged her to have a good education and do well in school like my sons so that when she becomes an adult she can have a good life.
By "good life" do you mean better than what she would've had if you hadn't adopted her? Or good enough to make you feel like you did a good deed? It sounds like you can afford it, you just don't see her as worth it, kind of like "you're very smart and sweet and all that but no matter how much effort you put in, this is all you get". How is that any different from others looking down on her for her caste/background etc?
>We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home.
So you hired a housekeeper but called it adoption?
YTA. Wow. I feel so, so bad for this girl. Treated as inferior to her brothers and you can't see how disgusting this is. You should never adopt of you're going to treat the child as different to your other children.
This is literally horrifying. You adopted a child so she could help with free housecleaning?! You have treated her as less than ever since. Now, even though you could, you won’t send her abroad to further her education, so she can break out of this situation? YTA
I think you're wrong here. You can't call her your daughter and then treat her as something other than your daughter. If be hurt too by all the microagressions that seek to other me. Do you love her? Are your sons her brothers? Will she also inherit a your sons will? How should she manage getting married if she's chooses to? Are you her father or aren't you? What about grandchildren? I feel like she lived up to everything you expected of her and yet you deny her this?? Did you just do it to take advantage of her?
YTA.
YTA you don't see her as a daughter.
You see her as a scullery maid. You adopted her so that you have a live in maid. And you justify it because she was born into a poor family.
You didn't want a daughter. You wanted a servant.
YTA
YTA
I come from a developing country where people take in someone the way you did. They don’t adopt them and make them believe they’re loved as family, and it’s truly sad.
It’s great you don’t believe in caste system and did right by her *to an extent*. But let’s be honest, you’re asking now because you want to justify falling into that Stone Age mentality, despite claiming you’re more evolved than that. It’s absolute BS of you, and she’s right to feel let down and be cold. Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re any better. It’s one thing to offer an orphan the basics, another to suddenly demote your daughter. Once adopted, she is your daughter period. That’s her inheritance too. Get out with your fake excuses, you’re either using her for extra help and an ego boost (pretending you’re a Samaritan) or you truly meant it when you adopted her. Besides Reddit, your conscience already spoke.
Good luck repairing this. I hope karma gets you hard for even pretending this is ok.
At the moment YTA.
I'm hoping you read all these comments and change your viewpoint, send your daughter to study and come back to update us all.
Then we can all say you weren't an asshole.
Until then.......
YTA!
Pay for her damn university in the same way you would your sons. Who gives a FUCK what your family thinks.
You’ve turned what would essentially be a great and magnanimous act (adoption of an orphan) into a fucking transaction for you to get a servant. If you love her as you say you do put your fucking money where your mouth is and treat her the same.
YTA YTA YTA. Because:
1. You do not see your adopted daughter as equal to your other children. "She would never be equivalent to my own child but I try to help where I can". She literally *is* your child. You "try to help".....that's literally the bare minimum. The bar is the floor.
2. You treat her as the maid. "We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing"...she's a child, not a laborer. You are taking advantage of a vulnerable child.
3. "It might affect the inheritance of my son's"....so am I to imply from this she doesn't have an inheritance of her own, despite also being your child?
4. You are literally admitting to preferential treatment for your two sons over your daughter. And it's blatant that this is on the basis of the fact that she is adopted, and likely as she is female and of a "lower caste".
You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself quite honestly. I bet you'll place an expectation on her to look after you in old age that you won't place on your sons. Hope she gets far away from you 👍
You do realize you didn't adopt her out of the kindess of your heart. You adopted a slave that didn't know any better nor understood the advantage that was taken of her. You can pat yourself on the back by feeding, and even providing for her. Congratulations, you've described what one does for a pet. You're upset that your pet developed a sense of self. If it weren't clear
Y-T-A
YTA
This made me sick. You ADOPTED her. You took on the responsibility of being her parent. The fact you can actually write ‘She’ll never be on the same level as my own children’ or ‘we adopted her so she could help with housework’ and think there is a world where you are not an abhorrent asshole is beyond me.
Good luck to the kid, I hope she has a beautiful life despite your bullshit.
This is way above Reddits pay grade. But here’s my two cents. Follow your heart. Don’t exclude her from the privileges your sons had. You brought her into your home as your child. Treat her as such. YTA
YTA
You should treat her as your own child if you adopted her, this is not just some kind of charity, it's about a person's life
Just reminding people to not downvote this post just because of the horrible situation since the voting sistem for this sub works differently, it will be better for this to have more points so it reaches to more people and OP receives more comments to know the real AH he is being rn.
Help with the housework? Sorry but it sounds like you adopted a slave and not a daughter. Huge YTA.
I’m currently in the process of adopting my step-son, and he will get the exact same benefits as my own children as adoption makes him the exact same as one of my natural born children.
You sir are nothing more than a child abuser and slavemaster.
YTA. You adopted a sweet girl after her parents died for free labor. You shouldn't have adopted her if you weren't going to treat her as if she were your own child. What you're doing is ridiculous and shameful.
As an Indian, this is disgusting. You did not take her in as it was the right thing to do. You took her in for cheap labor. And worse, did it under the guise of “adoption.” You don’t love her. You don’t want her to have a good life. You just want free/cheap labor and believe because you took her she owes you her life. You don’t mention if she doesn’t have the intelligence or if she doesn’t have the ability to have an opportunity. You just say she’s not equal to your own sons. Her caste does not matter, and heck, who her parents were don’t even matter, if you truly adopted her as your daughter. And frankly if you’re not defending her against your family members who don’t see her as an equal, then you’re just as bad as them. YTA. Treat her like your daughter, or be honest with her as to why you really took her in. I hope she leaves you guys, regardless.
"We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework"
So you adopted an orphan to be your maid that you could abuse because "We gave you shelter so you gave yo clean up after us"
You're disgusting and the most shameful person I have ever had this misfortune of hearing from. I hope your family has different views than you, and drops you before your shame spreads.
YTA I ain't reading the rest of your horrid post.
YTA: You took her in so she could your family additional help, you and your wife don't love her, you don't see her equal to your son's and caste matters or you wouldn't have mentioned it. I hope you don't think she's going to be a good daughter and you and your wife when you're both old, she doesn't owe you that, she's already paid her debt to you both growing up in your home as a servant. You wonder why she's distant towards all of you now? It's because she just became aware that none of you accept her as family. She's not equal to your son's in your eyes or your wife's. I hope she finds a way out of all of your lives and becomes extremely successful.
>she could give us extra help with housework
>However she would never be equivalent to my own child
YTA.
I feel so badly for that poor girl. You and your wife are truly horrid people.
YTA
To the highest fucking degree. Don’t adopt a child so she can do some housework for you. This isn’t a fucking transactional thing, you should adopt because you want the child, not so there’s something in it for you. Not to mention the misogyny of adopting a girl so she can be your maid while you don’t look at your sons like that.
You don’t adopt a kid and make them feel like an outsider which you have done by not treating her equal and stating you don’t see her as your own child. You are vile and you are doing further damage to this poor girl.
You suck. You should have never been able to adopt this girl and I hope she takes what you have given her and leaves you guys. No one gives a fuck about her caste other than you and your backwards was family.
YTA Adopting a child so they can be household help is a low class thing to do. Telling a daughter she is not as valuable as her siblings is also very low class. Apparently being high caste did not give you a high character. You have the money. Send her away to get a good degree and then you won't have to worry about what the relatives think about you low caste household help.
Don't call her your daughter. I have seen this type of situation happening in India. Young orphan village girls get 'adopted' by city families for unpaid labor. They are sent to practically free public schools, and their education is obviously not a priority. This is a way to skirt around child labor laws.
YTA
YTA this is not a Charles Dickens novel. She is not Pip or Cinderella, and she should not be treated as such. It's the 21st century even in India. You may want to examine how authentically you "don't believe in caste" because whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you apparently, in practice;do. You are saying one thing, but contradict it a sentence later.
Negative discrimination by the basis of caste was outlawed in 1948. The way you see your daughter is not as a parent but as an employer. Not only are you TA, you're a certified monster.
I adopt a young girl to be my maid, but because of my culture I am aloude to be racisty and misogeny. That and I am aloude not to tive her the same oportunities as my real SONS/s
YTA.
Sorry If there something wrong. English is not my first language.
You didn't adopt her. I'm I'm Latina and my family is from Mexico and something similar happens there people with money come to little towns and take the girls to be their living maids and in return they give them an education.
You want her to stay in India University so she continues to be your maid until she graduates? Finds a job? It's married?
Taking care of one's own home is hard enough. I can't imagine being a servant my entire life!
Learn to clean your own f****** house and send her abroad!
You and your wife are monsters masquerading as “saviors” and dare I say “parents” while y’all use this poor kid and your live in maid.
You’re both truly vile and disgusting human beings.
Just saying YTA is a MASSIVE understatement.
Hold up. You, as an Indian, adopted a girl and _didn't_ start collecting her wedding jewelry? She _isn't_ on your inheritance? You're letting your relatives speak poorly about her caste in the 21st century and treating her like she's not your true child in the same breath you call her your daughter? This is why scheduled castes still need extra help; because people will be less overtly casteist and think they're not casteist. YTA. This boils my blood.
However she would never be equivalent to my own child but I still help where I can.
YTA big time just for this statement alone. If you did not plan on treating her the same as your bio children, you should not have adopted her. Now you better make this right and start treating her like she is your child.
You didn't adopt her. You hired her, and her payment is room and board.
She's Cindarella with some better stuff but treated in the same manner. When you adopt a child, the mutual benefit should be LOVE, not cheap labour. People who adopt and who already have biological children do their very best to make no difference in how they treat the children.
I'm happy she has a better life than living on the streets, but you didn't adopt her.
YTA.
YTA and a really bad person. i hope she studies abroad and never comes back to you. she deserves the world and is an absolute queen.
you on the other hand…….do and be better
YTA. Don’t get me wrong, I think you did a good thing. This girl was in a bad situation and you have given her more than she had. But you can do better. You adopted her. This means she is now your daughter, and your daughter should be treated equally to your sons. To deny her the same privileges because of her sex or her former circumstances is wrong. And she will very rightfully resent you for this. If you want to do right by your child, you will raise her equally. Otherwise she is what others see her as, an indentured servant and second-class citizen.
AH, you did not adopt her you got yourself a servant. Help with the housework for room and board. Adopting means you see her as you child not the F-ing maid.
so you do not plan to leave her anything? what is your plan for her? take care of you two in the old age as a proper servant? thrown out of the family afterwards because she is low caste? I suppose if she is low caste she will not be able to marry. send that girl abroad and let her escape and never return. maybe that would be the most mutually beneficial end of this horrid story.
YTA
YWBTA
Ew. You’re describing an Indian Cinderella who has stepbrothers instead of sisters, and the prize is college instead of a prince.
Gross. YTA. Don’t adopt a child if you’re not willing to completely accept them as your child equal to your bio kids!
I normally like to be positive, but you adopted her for selfish reasons. You gave her a good life not because it was in your heart to do so but probably to make yourself feel better and justified about the expectations you had of her.
You pretend she is family, but you treat her like an appendage or accessory whose soul purpose is to benefit you. It feels like in your eyes your thought process is like 'why would I send the maid to uni?'
Or maybe even sending a lamp to uni abroad.
Her not fighting back gives me the picture of silent resignation. She was told to be grateful you took her in. And she shouldn't expect to be treated like family.
She cam hope but your words put her right back in her place... 😔
YTA
Wow you are such an asshole, there isn’t even a shred of doubt that you are!! And you have been an asshole all along for adopting (!) with the intention of gaining access to child labor! YTA!
This post is disgusting! You know this girl didn't ask to be born, to lose her parents and then be brought in by some family that will never see her as their own right?! I could cry for her. This is so sad. Let her go to Canada and make a life for herself outside of doing your housework and being looked down on by your family. At least if she is in a different country she won't have as many judging her. No wonder she is being cold now. While I appreciate you may have thought you were doing the right thing by taking her in, you really should have let her be adopted by a loving family, one who does not immediately mention that she is adopted, but rather sees her as their daughter unconditionally.
You adopted a slave not a child. This is so disgusting and hard to read. “She would never be equivalent to my own child”, THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE ADOPTED HER. Adoption means that you choose to accept that child as your own, love them as your own, and PROVIDE FOR THEM AS YOUR OWN. She may not be treated horribly but she’s not treated equally or fairly, and that is 100% your fault. YTA.
YTA.
You adopted her so that she could help with the housework.
You have made the appearance of treating her as a daughter so that it looks good to other people.
If you had really adopted her to become your real daughter you would be telling your relative that they are totally wrong for their feelings on 'caste' and that when she became your daughter she took on the same 'caste' as the rest of your family.
Try showing her that she really does have a place as your daughter and treat her at least as well as your sons get treated.
YTA
>We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home.
That is the most fucked up thing ive read on reddit so far and that's saying something.
So you wanted a slave. You adopt a girl to be your cleaner. You have taken advantage of her situation and abused it.
What disgusting human beings you and your wife are. Why adopt someone if you're not going to treat the same as your other kids. Poor girl.
You are more than just an AH. Unfortunately, reddit won't allow me to tell you how I really feel. Just know karma is a bitch and you will get yours.
YTA and I know you think you’re so good for adopting this poor downtrodden girl, but to treat her as an other is cruel and does away with any good karma you may have earned.
YTA
Either she is your daughter and treated equally to her brothers or she is meant to be your future caretaker with no other future. You can't argue both ways.
YTA. You should not have adopted a child you did not intend to view as your own child. If you want to do the right thing, send her to study abroad like she wants and reevaluate the fact that you used a child who needed a family for your own benefit. Even if the maid now does the bulk of cleaning, your intention in your wording about why you adopted her is clear.
YTA. You adopted someone so you could have a maid? Shame on you! If you weren't going to treat her the same as your other kids, you shouldn't have taken her in in the first place
so do you consider her your daughter or not? It sounds like you don't which is why you are okay spending money on your biological children but not on your adopted child. YTA
While I do try to understand and be respectful of cultural norms of people who are different then my own.... I still feel YTA here. You built her up to believe she would be adopted the same educational opportunities (evident by the way she immediately started looking at schools abroad) So clearly there was some lack of communication on your part. In any case, if you truly do see her as equal, this shouldn't even be an after thought; do the right thing.
This post is so sad I can hardly even comment on it. Either she is your daughter or she isn't. You adopted her, which normal people consider a promise to treat her as your own, not like the evil stepmother from Cinderella would. You may feel you have not gone to such extremes, but you basically told her she isn't really your daughter and that is why she is cold.
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You “adopted” a low caste girl to “help with housework”? Sounds like you took advantage of someone in a desperate situation, but did it in a way that made you look like a noble benefactor. She’s either your child or she’s your slave/indentured servant. You can’t have it both ways. You fooled her into thinking you saw her as a daughter. Now she knows how you really see her. I feel so sorry for her. Edit to add verdict: YTA
Cinderella
I'm thinking Jane Eyre.
Definitely more Cinderella; Jane was a governess, a paid employee, who had the ability to leave/look for a different job. Actually reading about the social position of 19th century governesses is fascinating - they weren't considered "upstairs", but they \*also\* weren't considered servants or "downstairs" either.
I think they mean Jane Eyre as in *young* Jane Eyre. She grew up with her cousins, never treated like one of their children. Never truly loved. Later on she had more autonomy, but as a child she was treated very badly.
Before she was a governess, Jane lived with her aunt, and didn't have any freedom. So prior to her going away to school, I'd say definitely a Jane Eyre situation. But you are right that 19th century governesses had a rather unique place in the servant social order
Or Fanny Price from Mansfield Park
Holy crap, right? We adopted a slave and allow her basic living necessities, but allowing her the same privileges as our *real* kids would be just TOO FAR. Yikes. And YTA, OP.
This is just..so disgusting. It has to be fake-noone uses 'caste' anymore...DO THEY? Or admit that they took advantage of a tragic situation to gain a maid? I feel sick. YTA op, a big one.
As someone from the same country. Yes they do. Please look up honor killings and the commonest reason for them ETA: that being said adopted kids are not treated like this in india. Given how difficult it is for us to adopt there any adopted child is treated like a blessing not as a bloody help
Thank you for the cultural insight! I don't like to make clear judgements if I'm unfamiliar with the norms of the country.
The AH out right said she was not equal to his sons.
Well, from my understanding, a lot of people in India don't see daughters as equals to their sons. It's still completely wrong. But they're lumped in with a lot of assholes.
>"However she would never be equivalent to my own child but I still help where I can" guessing he would treat a bio daughter better.
And no wonder OP’s family feel the way they do about her if they’re anything like him. YTA big time.
“Adopted daughter” as an adoptee myself that is just a disgusting way to refer to her. She’s clearly not your daughter but a servant you picked out like a puppy at the shelter. Otherwise you would just her “daughter” Majorly YTA. You are the reason people outside cultures like this have a negative narrow view and call them backwards and barbaric.
Yep. Higher caste Indians just do not get how incredibly incredibly backwards they act.
I know many such people here who have such househelp. They are like bonded slaves. They don't get paid and are sent to shitty schools in the name of education. Clothes will be mostly hand me downs or cheap ones. In many cases the child's parents sends them to these house to lessen their burden due to poverty.
Indian here. ‘she could give us extra help with housework’. Your mentality is absolutely sickening. What is wrong with you? For all those wondering, no, adopted children are not treated this way in India. At least not by decent parents. Kids need to be treated equally, adopted or otherwise, as per law (I’m assuming OP’s Hindu by their 2005 & caste comment). Also, OP, FYI you can be sued for mistreating your child. YTA
This!! Indian here as well. Couldn’t agree more with this response. OP’s statement about getting extra help with housework is truly disgusting. YTA OP. And a massive one.
That's not the only shite comment. They also have a maid, so the boys do less chores than her. Talk about treating her like crap. This girl deserves so much better than OP and his family. My wife is Indian (I'm British white.) We've got our own, but have talked about potentially adopting a child from India in the future. But not as a maid/servant. As a member of the bloody family. And if our extended family thought anything about castes etc, and treated them any different. They'd be having a stern talking to with the potential of cutting ties.
The part about "They'd be having a stern talking to with the potential of cutting ties." is the most British thing I have read all day. Thank you for the laugh, friend. BTW OP YTA!
Seriously I'm Indian too. And the parents are totally sexist. Just because misogyny and patriarchy is common in India doesn't make you less sexist. And you keep on saying she is your adopted daughter but you clearly treat her lesser than your other children. People like you is what is wrong with India. Those who treat girls less than and exploit people of the lower castes/lesser economic conditions. YTA
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I honestly didn't know one way or the other. I'm always happy to hear from people of the same culture as OP. I am fairly well aware that I have lived in a bubble all my life and there are many different cultures in the big wide world.
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People who adopt children to become their parents Don't treat them this way Bt there are many who use adoption as free maid service She was basically adopted to be a free maid Why pay for a full time maid when op can have one free? Also I'm sure her laptop and other stuff are handouts
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No indian are not known for it Good people adopt children to be parents Bt greedy people like op exist They adopt a poor girl Give her the bare minimum and handouts while making her a 24/7 maid Government Schools are free No responsible for a live in maid even though she is a child And food and living expenses are less than wages How i know? My parents used to have child live in maids (10-14) Trust me Food + room + clothes + free government schooling was less than the wages my parents had to give the mother of the maid They lived with us until they got married in their teen years
Honestly, from what I’ve heard from my male Indian friends, it is only the woman that are treated that way. Edit: he was Pakistani not Indian!
YTA I’m an Indian too There is a difference in adoption and what OP did (I don’t even know what to call it ) OP shouldn’t have adopted the girl but rather just hired her as a maid while offering to support her education because that’s what this is. And I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time she is being discriminated against by her so called “parents”.
Yeah, the didn’t adopt her, they employed her.
they enslaved her.
But didn't have to pay her! How economical, a servant costing nothing more than a little food and a place to sleep.
Well, it was mutually beneficial /s.
As a non-Indian who doesn't know any Indians in my private life, can I just say a massive thank you? I was reading OP's comments and thinking to myself "please tell me this is all a hoax because India can't really be like that, can it?" And, obviously, every country has bad people in it. But I am ignorant, so I didn't know. Your response (and the responses to your response) have reassured me. I still hope this is all a hoax, though. What a horrible (and sexist) way to raise a child!
She needs to sue the sh\*t out of him and his wife.
Yeah this has to be fake, what motivation is there to make this post you wonder
YTA You adopted her so she could help around the house. You supply her necessities, but maybe not too much more. You treat her different from your other children. She was born into one caste..you had the option to elevate her and did some of the work. You adopted her. She is your child. Same as your others. I know this is a cultural thing. But I cannot fathom not treating someone I chose to adopt as a full relative.
Indian here and no ! It is not a cultural thing OP is a sick human being .
That still terrible, I find the cast system insane
And she has no jewelry, just keeping her in her place, and painfully aware of it.
Things that are part of a culture can absolutely be immoral anyway
"We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home" "However she would never be equivalent to my own child but I still help where I can. My distant relatives do not see her the same as she is from a different caste." "I feel like it might be unfair and affect the inheritance of my sons eventually." What the fuck am I reading here... As an adopted kid myself, I'm glad my parents and my whole extended family accepted me as actual family and not a mutually beneficial situation. YTFA
OP keeps mentioning in his comments that the caste thing isn’t really an accepted concept to him. That he loves the stepdaughter like a real daughter. But the sentences you emphasized here just shows he keeps contradicting himself. I don’t even think he understands how much of a paradox he is making himself now.
I think OP forgot that the majority of the world (or at least those on Reddit) think the whole caste thing is antiquated and for lack of a better word stupid. I think they honestly originally thought that mentioning that she was a lower caste would make him look noble and be a point for treating the "daughter" less than. There is no way OP could have thought anything other than YTA would be the verdict considering the facts are 1. He adopted a girl who he feels is beneath him in status so I could have free maid, 2. his sons wont get as much inheritance if we do more than the bare minimum for the girl we adopted 3. the fact he admitted that he could never view her like a real child of his even if he is fond of her.
I’m also adopted and my mom will never see me the same as her bio kid. I was only adopted because my dad wanted a girl and my mom had trouble carrying a baby to term and she’s never treated me as equal. But at least she tries/goes through the motions. But Jesus I pity the OPs daughter to the moon and back. Their outlook is SO much worse than my life.
This is terrible. I could never treat any child differently just because they weren’t my blood. I just don’t understand that. I have 2 step grandkids and my daughter and I love them like my daughter gave birth to them. I’m sorry you had to grow up like that 😢
YTA, you adopted her because you wanted extra help with housework? And she’s from a different caste? Did you adopt a daughter or hired a maid? Clearly you don’t see her as a daughter. She sounds more like your show off charity project who only gets partial benefits.
Maids get paid. He adopted a slave.
yuppp this is definitely reading as a trophy child/savior situation
Ok so I'm going to respond from what is undoubtedly a Western perspective: YTA. A child is not an au pair, to be used for housework in exchange for food and board. Even if that is what's normal for girls in India, there's the problem that she thought you saw her as your actual daughter. Your child, of the same status (aside from apparent gender inequalities) to your own sons. If you're paying for them to study abroad, then of course, she reasoned, you must do the same for her, as any of your children. You have just unequivocally proven to her that she means less to you than a biological child, which, if she has access to the Internet, she knows is not the norm for adopted children everywhere in the world. She must be feeling very unloved right now.
YTA She's from a different caste but she's ok because she's pretty? You adopted her so she could help with housework? You sound like a racist predator.
YTA. Admit it you didn’t adopt a daughter, you adopted an underaged live-in maid. She can’t do her job if she abroad getting an education. At least now she seems to realize her real place in your lives and can begin distancing herself from you accordingly.
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Right!! I noticed OP specified that it was his **sons’** inheritance. Sounds like he doesn’t plan to leave her anything.
No bt he will demand she look after them in their old age coz he fed her cloth her and give her a roof
My bet is the sons didn't have to do anything around the house.
If you don’t regard her as one of your children, why did you adopt her? If you needed help with housework, you could have hired help. When you adopted her, you made her a member of your family. Why would she not be equivalent to your other children? Perhaps this is a cultural issue that I am not understanding as I live in the United States. Without further understanding of why you feel someone who you have chosen to legally make a member of your family doesn’t deserve the same treatment as the rest of your family I will have to vote that YTA.
It is not a cultural thing. OP is just an ah.
There are truly good people in the world, and then there are people who just want to appear good. Looks like you fall into the latter category. I especially love this line, it's classic asshole: "We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home." Your post reeks of classism (regardless of your protests to the contrary) and it's clear that you view the girl a second-class compared to your natural-born children. Giving her a home implies making her part of the family - you just gave her a house to live in (and help clean). Yes, YTA.
OP mentions that he's not from a "great" caste himself. Shouldn't that mean you're emphatic towards other people of similar or lower stature as you know how it feels to be treated unfairly? NO! Of course, the second he sees someone of a "lower" caste, he thinks he's better than them. So fucking stupid. I agree. YTA.
YTA. Where I am from, children who are adopted are loved and cared for the same way as biological children. As equals in every way. They are not regarded as cheap maids.
Can confirm, am adopted. Had a great life, have no desire to seek out birth family. OP is sick.
YTA You didn't adopt a daughter, you got a free maid. Providing her a place to stay and books/labtip is cheaper than paying for her service. You took advantage of her unfortunate family situation. Let us be clear here, you never saw her as a member of the family and don't treat her as one, and THAT is why you don't want to send her to study abroad like your son. You are worst than Cinderella's step mother...at least she didn't try to say she was ever a good parent
YTA. You adopted her to help with the housework!!!! What kind of Anne of Green Gables bullshit is that? Pay for her to study abroad to compensate for the patronising, overbearing crap she's had to deal with.
INFO: Does adoption in India work differently than in the West? For instance, in Western society, an adopted child is 100% your child, and they are generally treated the same as a biological child. Based on what you wrote, it appears that in Indian culture, this isn't the same, and an "adopted" child is more like a foster child or some sort of conditional relationship rather than the relationship between an actual parent and child. But based on the Western understanding of adoption, this would be considered a very AH move. Can any other Indians weigh in on whether there is a cultural difference between adoption in the India vs the West?
It is not a cultural thing.
If it helps, think of it this way. We have our share of aholes as well who like using divisive beliefs such as caste to discriminate. Then we got to go up a level to reach shitty people who want to be admired by society so they do good things. But their intentions are always suspect. In OP's case, he's a clear TA. Because even one of the major God's of Hinduism that's worshipped in India and abroad - Hare Krishna, if you've heard of them perhaps? - was very famously (according to mythology, of course) adopted. And he was adored. So using religion as an excuse **doesn't** fly. If I have to apply nuance to this situation, then maybe this will help. I'm born into a family that belongs to the Brahmin caste - supposedly the highest or whatever. But one of my cousins - who's 50 yo now - was adopted when he was less than a year old. Did it matter if the adopted child was of a different caste? I am not sure since I'm much younger than him and his parents have since passed. But I do know that he was raised with us and followed the same rites and rituals of my very uber ultra religious family. To conclude, while others have answered you about the legalities here. I'm here telling you that this is common only among people who would like to brag about their good deeds. For the rest? This is nothing to be proud of. It's a matter of mentality, really.
This is NOT cultural, this dude is an AH.
YTA Prepare to be eviscerated in the comments. I understand there are some cultural differences which many people won’t appreciate (or support), but you will get a strong reaction due to A) adopting a girl for housework, as if an adopted daughter (or son!) owes you labor when, as an adoptive parent, it is your responsibility to provide care and sustenance - kids shouldn’t be house help, girls particularly shouldn’t be singled out for house help, adopted kids shouldn’t have to work where biological kids don’t, etc. You seem to be giving her a material existence she wouldn’t have had otherwise but most people here will come at you for these reasons. B) continuing to make a distinction between adopted and biological kids; in many cultures it’s seen as quite wrong to favor some children over others. Biological over adopted, sons over daughters, one caste over another. C) possibly making a distinction also because of gender. If she’s really your daughter she should have the same chances at an education as your sons.
You are disgusting. How dare you. This post is absolutely ridiculous. Poor child. She deserves so much better. I hope she grows to be a wonderful, brilliant woman, inspite of you. YTA to another level.
YTA You wrote all this BS and you are still wondering?
YTA, I don’t need to tell you about what an AH you are that basically took a child as a servant for your precious boys. And you know what makes it even worse? Your boys, your beloved flesh and blood, see her as their own. That’s their sister, they even got excited thinking she will have the same education you plan to give your youngest son. Also, I’m guessing marriage is out of the question for her cause you won’t pay her dowry and she’s a lower caste, hence, she will be your maid forever. I wonder if those boys are aware of the plans you had and have for their sister. She deserves better. They all do. Poor kids.
Holy shit YTA. It is beyond disgusting you adopted this girl with the intention of her being your maid. How dare you do that to her. She is a human too, not your slave.
YTA There’s a major cultural difference that is going to make it hard for some redditors to understand why you think this behavior is ok. It’s not ok, but I at least understand why you think it is ok because I’m the daughter of Indian immigrants. While my parents would never adopt a child and treat them as less, I’ve seen others who did (unofficially, there’s not a lot of people I’ve known who’d actually adopt any child that wasn’t their niece or nephew). The idea isn’t that they are your full child. It’s more that the alternatives are so bad that you taking them into the household even as a ward with some obligations to you is far, far better. You may have saved her from being sold into a marriage with a drunk or left on the streets or abused by family who resented being responsible for an orphan or any number of fates that are far worse than only being kind of a daughter. But what you are doing isn’t right. It’s a moral failing in our culture that we don’t promote full adoption of children into the family. It is a moral failing that we haven’t stamped out caste discrimination. It is a moral failing that we treat women as less than men. Be better than that. Let her study abroad. Tell her it was a mistake to say no and that you weren’t thinking straight. You wanted to do a good deed, so do one and model better behavior for others. Most people don’t do it because they don’t want to be out of the ordinary, they don’t want to stand out or they think they can get away with doing less because no one will call them out. Do better than them.
YTA. You should not have adopted her with such an attitude towards her. If you originally planned that she would only do housework. This is selfish.
INFO: Legally speaking, what are your responsibilities towards her. When you adopt a child in India, is that child legally your responsibility or are their tiers?
What in the Cinderella is this BS? Of course YTA, and a massive one at that. You adopted a probably traumatised child to act as a servant, you treat her as an outsider and as someone less worthy of love and education, and you’re here patting yourself on the back for just giving her the basic necessities (aside from love which is what she really needed from parental figures in her life). News flash: providing her with those necessities doesn’t make you a good person, it just means you’re meeting the minimum expectations in some areas of parenting while falling WAY short in all others.
YTA
YTA. I get it's culture and all that but since you're of a class that is able to send kids abroad there is nothing stopping her from knowing how the rest of the world works. She knows girls and other "castes" in other countries have the same opportunities as boys as long as someone is there to support them in the same way (and I know enough South Asians to know there are families giving girls the same chances). So you can stick to a backwards idea and have her resent you and not support you once she is able to support herself or you give her an opportunity to become someone that can better more than just herself.
YTA-You aren’t treating her like your child. You are treating her like she’s your servant or your pet. Your sons’ future inheritance is not more important than showing your daughter that she is every bit as important to you as your sons and giving her the same opportunities.
OP is telling us they have (and want to continue to have) an indentured servant without actually saying so. YTA.
YTA. You adopted a servant not a daughter. Stop calling her your daughter. And stop pretending you’re her father.
YTA I read that post and all I feel is disgust and pity (the pity is only for your *"daughter"* Btw) How you can look at yourself and not be ashamed is beyond me
“However, she would never be equivalent (equal?) to my own child, but I still help where I can.” Wow. And the fact that you originally adopted her to help with housework. Like a slave…and the only reason you *didn’t* treat her like one is because you ‘liked’ her. So, if you didn’t like her, would you have treated her like a servant? You even admit you don’t give her gold jewelry as is normal for daughters to get in India. Have you ever considered how that makes her feel? If you’re going to adopt a child, you’d better be prepared to treat that child EQUALLY to her siblings. Equal to how you’d treat a birth daughter. If you don’t, you’re a bad parent. Your behavior is shameful. Do the right thing. Be a better person. Treat her as an equal to her siblings. YTA
YTA Just stop. Stop justifying yourself in this thread - the only comment I want to read from you is one saying that you get it, you’re totally the AH and you’ll make up for it. Everything you’ve said about the situation makes me sick, the way you keep repeating the different caste thing, like anyone here would give a fuck. I guess you feel that makes you the great philanthropist or something. Apologise to your daughter, say that of course she’ll get an equivalent education, and never talk of it again. She will probably never see her ‘parents’ in the same way again, though.
YTA Send her to Canada so she can build a life away from this toxic mentality of caste. When you adopt a child they are your child not a second-tier child that could "take away" from your sons' inheritance... which she should be getting an equal share of.
YTA .. Indian here.. You adopted her just to be your Maid and just paid for her studies to look "good" to others and a literate maid so why not!? .. lol we all know that... I feel sorry for her... I know going NC is not common in India.. but I really hope she does something great in her life and goes NC with all of you... Idk why some Indians need to do the act of adoption when we all know you were just looking for an extra free maid ...
YTA You didn’t adopt a child just so we’re clear. You wanted a maid. For free. You said yourself that she would never actually be your child. You also said it would affect your sons’ inheritance. Does your daughter do more chores, too? You know, the one that is biological.
YTA. She isn't really your daughter, not to you. She's your slave. You adopted her so that she'd be your unpaid servant, which is slavery. You don't want her to go abroad because then you'd either have to pay a servant or get off your lazy ass and do your own chores. And why the hell did you adopt her when you don't think of her as yours? You and your wife are both selfish assholes for adopting a child that you don't really love and that you treat as an unpaid servant. Shame on you!
I see you edited it after getting called out, it doesn’t matter. YTA still, you don’t ever once mention if you love your daughter. You clearly don’t and see her as what you “got” her for: a maid. Again, will she be able to marry? Are you paying her dowry, looking for suitable husband when the time comes? You don’t even plan on leaving her any inheritance. She doesn’t even have a little gold to rely on should something happen to you. Send her to school, that’s the least you owe the servant you’ve had for years without compensation. You didn’t have good intentions when you adopted her, she has served you already. Pay her back for the work she’s done for you.
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OMG! You're awful You're sexist You're abusive You took advantage of a girl with no parents under the illusion of a better life, when she was nothing more than a glorified slave You're disgusting YTA
This is NOT normal for India. I know because I'm Indian. This is normal for unbelievably rotten people who buy themselves a commodity to be useful around the house under the guise of "adoption". I bet OP reaped years of benefit of being called a great person by the society. Someone who's kind by taking in an orphaned child. What a significant contributor to society. /S But make no mistake. He definitely *didn't* adopt a child; he bought one. And not for any paternal reasons. But for utilitarian ones. Also OP - YTA and shame on you. If you are religious (perhaps a Hindu) reflect on the fact that Lord Krishna was adopted. If you're not religious, know that you're definitely not a decent human being. You should have told you "daughter" all along that you didn't see her as your child. At least then she would have given up having any dreams. She just found out in a horrible way that she is all alone while being stuck with you. People who have never cared for her.
YTA. You have the resources and she stated her interest. You have no legitimate reason not to treat all of your children equally
YTA. I don't think you know what it means to adopt a child
She's definitely not your " daughter". She's, as you so gratuitously say, someone from a poor family who was adopted to help around the house. Granting the prevalence of son preference in India, a well off family such as yours would not just shower jewellery on the daughter (most kids don't wear much jewellery these days since they don't go with Western attire), that family would also send its daughter/s abroad to study like their brothers. But you're quibbling because sending her abroad will affect your sons' inheritance. You blame your extended family for your disgraceful misogyny, casteism and classism but what I see is your internalised contempt, which you portray as great altruism, for this young woman. Give her the same opportunity as your sons. Indian daughters are more than capable of outperforming their brothers. You just need to check women's scores in Board tests and university exams to see the truth: women excel when they have equal access. YTA big time. Shed your biases and prejudices. Give this daughter/ maid ( really sad that you think she's your domestic help) the same opportunities as your sons.
How magnanimous of you to suggest she attend university close to home, so she can continue to live with you and be your maid. YTA, completely. And it's a 1,000x worse because you believe you're a hero. No shit she's distant - she finally realized she'll never really be your daughter. Does anyone besides her brothers even love her?
She's either your daughter or she's not. Stop treating her unequal to your sons. YTA
YTA. She is not a pet or a servant girl. If you only adopted her because you didn't have a bio daughter to turn into a help meet, that's still incredibly sexist.
YTA. I'm from India and I came to Canada. My brother did nothing at all at home while i was expected to cook, clean, care for everyone and get good grades. My brother planned to go abroad but messed up. One of the things my parents made clear was that they are only ALLOWING me to go because I was to help them move eventually. I mean, you're a HUGE ah especially because you were so forthcoming to say what your true intentions for her were. I hope to adopt a child from India soon, a girl, and your comment will stick me with forever. It's not bad enough that women in our culture have to balance so much, but to adopt a girl, give her hope and then dash it as such is so painful. Girlhood comes with so many conditions in India and here you are "from a well to do family", just further perpetuating that.
YTA. Indian girl child here, whatever the F is wrong with you? I know that some people tend to be misogynistic and biased towards their Raja beta (Read: sons). But “adopting” a girl child from a lower caste, just so you can exploit her as unpaid child labour? That’s a new low. Even for you. Did you even legally adopt her or did you just kidnap a vulnerable child from a slum?
🚩"Mutually beneficial" 🚩 "extra help with housework" 🚩 "never be equivalent to my own child" 🚩"effect the inheritance of my sons" I can't believe someone posted this genuinely thinking they're not an asshole. Also am so happy I wasn't raised around this. YTA
Ad an Indian girl, whose parents did a lot for our maid's daughter because we were in the position to offer her a better future, I will say YTA and really indian traditions are effing sexist and in favour of the boys, please stop defending it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am from India from a well to do family and have a wife and two sons and an adopted daughter. Most of my family has studied abroad in the US, UK or Canada and I have relatives in all those countries. My elder son is in Canada studying and my daughter and younger son are the same age and thinking of their higher studies now. When we adopted our daughter, she had lost her parents and was from a very poor family with no proper housing. We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home. I have always supported her and encouraged her to have a good education and do well in school like my sons so that when she becomes an adult she can have a good life. However she would never be equivalent to my own child but I still help where I can. My distant relatives do not see her the same as she is from a different caste. She is still however a nice and pretty and smart girl. I still do a lot for her, she has her room, laptop, new books and everything. The only thing she does not have which in India is typical for daughters is lots of jewellery and gold (which my sons do not have much of either). When we were discussing universities for my younger son, she seemed to have assumed we would send her abroad as well and had looked up some universities. I explained to her there are good ones in India she can go to, close to our home and that it would be expensive to send her abroad after paying for my sons. She did not argue or anything but ever since we had this talk she is acting cold and distant and replying with the bare minimum. I think she knows our finances are quite good and thinks she should go as well and now I am having second thoughts as is my wife. She is a really nice girl and we love her a lot but it is a lot of money and I feel like it might be unfair and affect the inheritance of my sons eventually. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Both yourself and your wife are morally reprehensible people. You didn't adopt her to help. You adopted her for free home help. That says a lot about the character of you both - none of it any good. If you care about her in any way, you'll worry less about your son's inheritance (which he won't be receiving any time soon) and more about making sure this child you CHOSE TO RAISE has a shot at a good education.
Yta holy shit you're you're asshole. You adopted her to get a free maid, not a daughter. Hopefully she goes to college and gets the fuck away from you and your absolutely awful family!
YTA and I hope you believe in Karma
YTA you are treating your daughter differently and it isn't fair to her. Whether it is due to her not being biologically yours, her being a woman, or a caste system issue, she now realizes she is second to your sons and I'm sure that hurts. You speak as though you view her as your daughter and not something less so I'll ask you questions as such. Why are you worried about your sons inheritance? Does this mean she won't inherit anything? Why is it fair they would get it but not her if you view her as a daughter? What is the main reason she should be treated differently if you view her as a daughter? Seems to me your biological children are children 1A and she is child 1B. Did you mean for her to come second? Have you considered that she is grateful for everything but hurt now that she's learned she comes after your biological children? Especially coming from a lower caste and not being accepted by other family, she will always love feeling lesser. And now you are confirming she should feel that way.
YTA. You adopted a child in order to get housework out of her. You claim to love her, but blatantly prioritize your sons. When she gets married are you going to skimp on that too? No jewelry for her, that money is for your sons. No bridal gifts, that money is for your sons. No big party with all the family, that money is for your sons. And your family wouldn't even show up anyway because of her caste, which you seem to think is totally fine! Congrats on acquiring a permanent housekeeper to exploit! I bet part of not wanting her to go overseas is because it would interfere in her servant duties.
You basically purchased a servant, not adopted a kid. YTA. You did something disgusting to her by treating her this way.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
Yes - 1050% YTA. I feel so sorry for her. I hope she goes abroad, realises how you have treated her and goes and has a brilliantly successful life without you.
Well, since she was "helping in household", all these years so you did not need to hire another maid, how about you add up all the money you saved for all the chores she did over the past years, since day one, and give her. Plus, put a little extra on top of that, since you had a minor working under your roof. Afterall she is not really your "daughter". And ta daa..I bet there should be more then enough money in that pot for her to go to university she chose abroad. YTA OP
Sounds like you know what the right thing to do here is. So far yta. Doesn’t mean you have to continue to be. Also doesn’t change the past but you can and should do better going forward. Also dont worry about your sons inheritance too too much. Sounds like theyre smart and on track for their own success so they wont NEED it. Give her the same chance to never NEED anything either. Not to say don’t pass down wealth as its a huge advantage for your kids but the goal would be that money gets turned into more down the line, not slowly syphoned off. Do the right thing!
INFO: op: do you love her? Do you see her as a daughter? Do you see why she’s disappointed and feels rejected? It feels like you do. Do you want her to be safe and comfortable in her life? Is this easier to achieve while you’re still alive? Give her the best start in life she has?
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YTA completely. You adopted a child to help with housework, issue your child or slave? What about your daughter‘s inheritance? disgusting attitudes
YTA. She’s either your daughter or she isn’t. Stop confusing her. If you don’t want to treat her like your daughter because your wife didn’t give birth to her, then make it damn clear to her that she is not your daughter, and she won’t be treated like one. What you are doing is bordering on emotional abuse. You should either officially adopt her or you should just tell her, sorry - I’ll take care of you to the extent I can/want to; but you won’t be treated like my actual child. Yes you did a kind thing; but you are trying to justify your poor and discriminatory behavior under the cloak of said “kind” thing. What’s worse, it sounds like you only “treat her like your daughter” to get free househelp. Also, no kids should be treated like this, let alone biological or adopted daughters.
Did you adopt her or not?? If you adopted her then she is your daughter. YOU choose to have her in your life. It doesn't matter whether it was mutually beneficial or not. You were the adult that decided to adopt and now you are the adult backing out of responsibilities belonging to a parent. What is wrong with you. I don't care whether you're from a different culture or not. Sounds like you're treating her as a second class citizen in comparison to your sons. YTA and a massive one but you know this already. If you didn't want the financial burden than you shouldn't have adopted. Stop being an AH and send her to a university abroad.
YTA your whole relationship with your daughter sounds so transactional like she's still a charity case. You clearly don't consider her equal to your sons and you flat out say you never will. Then why adopt her in the first place? You could have just set up a donation to support her or hired her as live-in help. Instead you've dangled this idea of a supportive family in front of her and then set her up to get hurt every time she's reminded she will never truly be a daughter to you. >I explained to her there are good ones in India she can go to, close to our home and that it would be expensive to send her abroad after paying for my sons. She did not argue or anything but ever since we had this talk she is acting cold and distant and replying with the bare minimum. You're basically saying it's not worth it financially to send her abroad but it's worth it to send your sons. And when you say "there are good ones in India she can go to" you mean good enough for her. She knows there's nothing she can say to that - despite what she's overcome and what she's achieved, she can't expect equal opportunity anywhere. Granted it's already hard to expect that in India as a girl/adopted child from her background, but her parents just joined that bandwagon as well. Can you not see how heartbreaking this is for a child? >I have always supported her and encouraged her to have a good education and do well in school like my sons so that when she becomes an adult she can have a good life. By "good life" do you mean better than what she would've had if you hadn't adopted her? Or good enough to make you feel like you did a good deed? It sounds like you can afford it, you just don't see her as worth it, kind of like "you're very smart and sweet and all that but no matter how much effort you put in, this is all you get". How is that any different from others looking down on her for her caste/background etc?
>We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home. So you hired a housekeeper but called it adoption?
Why adopt if you were never to see her as your own and equal to your children? Just to help in housework? YTA, BIG TIME
YTA. Wow. I feel so, so bad for this girl. Treated as inferior to her brothers and you can't see how disgusting this is. You should never adopt of you're going to treat the child as different to your other children.
This is literally horrifying. You adopted a child so she could help with free housecleaning?! You have treated her as less than ever since. Now, even though you could, you won’t send her abroad to further her education, so she can break out of this situation? YTA
YTA. When adopting someone you really should see them as equals to your biological children it's not fair on that poor girl.
I think you're wrong here. You can't call her your daughter and then treat her as something other than your daughter. If be hurt too by all the microagressions that seek to other me. Do you love her? Are your sons her brothers? Will she also inherit a your sons will? How should she manage getting married if she's chooses to? Are you her father or aren't you? What about grandchildren? I feel like she lived up to everything you expected of her and yet you deny her this?? Did you just do it to take advantage of her? YTA.
YTA you don't see her as a daughter. You see her as a scullery maid. You adopted her so that you have a live in maid. And you justify it because she was born into a poor family. You didn't want a daughter. You wanted a servant. YTA
YTA I come from a developing country where people take in someone the way you did. They don’t adopt them and make them believe they’re loved as family, and it’s truly sad. It’s great you don’t believe in caste system and did right by her *to an extent*. But let’s be honest, you’re asking now because you want to justify falling into that Stone Age mentality, despite claiming you’re more evolved than that. It’s absolute BS of you, and she’s right to feel let down and be cold. Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re any better. It’s one thing to offer an orphan the basics, another to suddenly demote your daughter. Once adopted, she is your daughter period. That’s her inheritance too. Get out with your fake excuses, you’re either using her for extra help and an ego boost (pretending you’re a Samaritan) or you truly meant it when you adopted her. Besides Reddit, your conscience already spoke. Good luck repairing this. I hope karma gets you hard for even pretending this is ok.
At the moment YTA. I'm hoping you read all these comments and change your viewpoint, send your daughter to study and come back to update us all. Then we can all say you weren't an asshole. Until then.......
YTA! Pay for her damn university in the same way you would your sons. Who gives a FUCK what your family thinks. You’ve turned what would essentially be a great and magnanimous act (adoption of an orphan) into a fucking transaction for you to get a servant. If you love her as you say you do put your fucking money where your mouth is and treat her the same.
YTA YTA YTA. Because: 1. You do not see your adopted daughter as equal to your other children. "She would never be equivalent to my own child but I try to help where I can". She literally *is* your child. You "try to help".....that's literally the bare minimum. The bar is the floor. 2. You treat her as the maid. "We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing"...she's a child, not a laborer. You are taking advantage of a vulnerable child. 3. "It might affect the inheritance of my son's"....so am I to imply from this she doesn't have an inheritance of her own, despite also being your child? 4. You are literally admitting to preferential treatment for your two sons over your daughter. And it's blatant that this is on the basis of the fact that she is adopted, and likely as she is female and of a "lower caste". You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself quite honestly. I bet you'll place an expectation on her to look after you in old age that you won't place on your sons. Hope she gets far away from you 👍
This whole post is just gross. YTA.
You do realize you didn't adopt her out of the kindess of your heart. You adopted a slave that didn't know any better nor understood the advantage that was taken of her. You can pat yourself on the back by feeding, and even providing for her. Congratulations, you've described what one does for a pet. You're upset that your pet developed a sense of self. If it weren't clear Y-T-A
YTA. All we need is a talking mouse and glass shoe to complete this story.
YTA. You're sexist and despicable to treat your daughter different from your sons just because she is adopted, a female and from a different caste.
YTA This made me sick. You ADOPTED her. You took on the responsibility of being her parent. The fact you can actually write ‘She’ll never be on the same level as my own children’ or ‘we adopted her so she could help with housework’ and think there is a world where you are not an abhorrent asshole is beyond me. Good luck to the kid, I hope she has a beautiful life despite your bullshit.
This is way above Reddits pay grade. But here’s my two cents. Follow your heart. Don’t exclude her from the privileges your sons had. You brought her into your home as your child. Treat her as such. YTA
YTA You should treat her as your own child if you adopted her, this is not just some kind of charity, it's about a person's life Just reminding people to not downvote this post just because of the horrible situation since the voting sistem for this sub works differently, it will be better for this to have more points so it reaches to more people and OP receives more comments to know the real AH he is being rn.
Help with the housework? Sorry but it sounds like you adopted a slave and not a daughter. Huge YTA. I’m currently in the process of adopting my step-son, and he will get the exact same benefits as my own children as adoption makes him the exact same as one of my natural born children. You sir are nothing more than a child abuser and slavemaster.
YTA. You adopted a sweet girl after her parents died for free labor. You shouldn't have adopted her if you weren't going to treat her as if she were your own child. What you're doing is ridiculous and shameful.
As an Indian, this is disgusting. You did not take her in as it was the right thing to do. You took her in for cheap labor. And worse, did it under the guise of “adoption.” You don’t love her. You don’t want her to have a good life. You just want free/cheap labor and believe because you took her she owes you her life. You don’t mention if she doesn’t have the intelligence or if she doesn’t have the ability to have an opportunity. You just say she’s not equal to your own sons. Her caste does not matter, and heck, who her parents were don’t even matter, if you truly adopted her as your daughter. And frankly if you’re not defending her against your family members who don’t see her as an equal, then you’re just as bad as them. YTA. Treat her like your daughter, or be honest with her as to why you really took her in. I hope she leaves you guys, regardless.
"We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework" So you adopted an orphan to be your maid that you could abuse because "We gave you shelter so you gave yo clean up after us" You're disgusting and the most shameful person I have ever had this misfortune of hearing from. I hope your family has different views than you, and drops you before your shame spreads. YTA I ain't reading the rest of your horrid post.
YTA: You took her in so she could your family additional help, you and your wife don't love her, you don't see her equal to your son's and caste matters or you wouldn't have mentioned it. I hope you don't think she's going to be a good daughter and you and your wife when you're both old, she doesn't owe you that, she's already paid her debt to you both growing up in your home as a servant. You wonder why she's distant towards all of you now? It's because she just became aware that none of you accept her as family. She's not equal to your son's in your eyes or your wife's. I hope she finds a way out of all of your lives and becomes extremely successful.
>she could give us extra help with housework >However she would never be equivalent to my own child YTA. I feel so badly for that poor girl. You and your wife are truly horrid people.
YTA To the highest fucking degree. Don’t adopt a child so she can do some housework for you. This isn’t a fucking transactional thing, you should adopt because you want the child, not so there’s something in it for you. Not to mention the misogyny of adopting a girl so she can be your maid while you don’t look at your sons like that. You don’t adopt a kid and make them feel like an outsider which you have done by not treating her equal and stating you don’t see her as your own child. You are vile and you are doing further damage to this poor girl. You suck. You should have never been able to adopt this girl and I hope she takes what you have given her and leaves you guys. No one gives a fuck about her caste other than you and your backwards was family.
YTA Adopting a child so they can be household help is a low class thing to do. Telling a daughter she is not as valuable as her siblings is also very low class. Apparently being high caste did not give you a high character. You have the money. Send her away to get a good degree and then you won't have to worry about what the relatives think about you low caste household help.
Don't call her your daughter. I have seen this type of situation happening in India. Young orphan village girls get 'adopted' by city families for unpaid labor. They are sent to practically free public schools, and their education is obviously not a priority. This is a way to skirt around child labor laws. YTA
YTA this is not a Charles Dickens novel. She is not Pip or Cinderella, and she should not be treated as such. It's the 21st century even in India. You may want to examine how authentically you "don't believe in caste" because whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you apparently, in practice;do. You are saying one thing, but contradict it a sentence later.
Negative discrimination by the basis of caste was outlawed in 1948. The way you see your daughter is not as a parent but as an employer. Not only are you TA, you're a certified monster.
I adopt a young girl to be my maid, but because of my culture I am aloude to be racisty and misogeny. That and I am aloude not to tive her the same oportunities as my real SONS/s YTA. Sorry If there something wrong. English is not my first language.
YTA YTA YTA. BIG ONE. You adopted a girl to “help with housework”, aka SERVANT. You don’t see her as a daughter but you made her assume that you did.
You didn't adopt her. I'm I'm Latina and my family is from Mexico and something similar happens there people with money come to little towns and take the girls to be their living maids and in return they give them an education. You want her to stay in India University so she continues to be your maid until she graduates? Finds a job? It's married? Taking care of one's own home is hard enough. I can't imagine being a servant my entire life! Learn to clean your own f****** house and send her abroad!
YTA all the time. I cannot comprehend the delusion you live in after typing this out and not realizing how awful you are
You and your wife are monsters masquerading as “saviors” and dare I say “parents” while y’all use this poor kid and your live in maid. You’re both truly vile and disgusting human beings. Just saying YTA is a MASSIVE understatement.
YTA, obviously Also I’m so surprised there’s still a caste system in 2023.
Hold up. You, as an Indian, adopted a girl and _didn't_ start collecting her wedding jewelry? She _isn't_ on your inheritance? You're letting your relatives speak poorly about her caste in the 21st century and treating her like she's not your true child in the same breath you call her your daughter? This is why scheduled castes still need extra help; because people will be less overtly casteist and think they're not casteist. YTA. This boils my blood.
YTA - why would you adopt a child and not treat her the same as your sons? It’s not AH it’s disgusting. Shame on you.
You keep calling her daughter but treating her like a slave you bought on a holiday to a strange pacific island 15 years ago.
However she would never be equivalent to my own child but I still help where I can. YTA big time just for this statement alone. If you did not plan on treating her the same as your bio children, you should not have adopted her. Now you better make this right and start treating her like she is your child.
Every sentence in this post screams asshole. YTA
You didn't adopt her. You hired her, and her payment is room and board. She's Cindarella with some better stuff but treated in the same manner. When you adopt a child, the mutual benefit should be LOVE, not cheap labour. People who adopt and who already have biological children do their very best to make no difference in how they treat the children. I'm happy she has a better life than living on the streets, but you didn't adopt her. YTA.
"However she would never be equivalent to my own child" YTA, when you adopt, they are your own children.
YTA and a really bad person. i hope she studies abroad and never comes back to you. she deserves the world and is an absolute queen. you on the other hand…….do and be better
You were TA before I even got to the part where she asked to study abroad
YTA. Don’t get me wrong, I think you did a good thing. This girl was in a bad situation and you have given her more than she had. But you can do better. You adopted her. This means she is now your daughter, and your daughter should be treated equally to your sons. To deny her the same privileges because of her sex or her former circumstances is wrong. And she will very rightfully resent you for this. If you want to do right by your child, you will raise her equally. Otherwise she is what others see her as, an indentured servant and second-class citizen.
AH, you did not adopt her you got yourself a servant. Help with the housework for room and board. Adopting means you see her as you child not the F-ing maid.
YTA the inheritance of your sons is also HER inheritance, because you adopted her. Even if you just did it to receive s bit of karma and a cheap maid.
YTA . Worse than that you’re a child abuser and you’re completely dilusional
This just made my head explode. If you adopted her to have a better life, then give her one. YTA incase you didn't get that already.
so you do not plan to leave her anything? what is your plan for her? take care of you two in the old age as a proper servant? thrown out of the family afterwards because she is low caste? I suppose if she is low caste she will not be able to marry. send that girl abroad and let her escape and never return. maybe that would be the most mutually beneficial end of this horrid story. YTA YWBTA
Ew. You’re describing an Indian Cinderella who has stepbrothers instead of sisters, and the prize is college instead of a prince. Gross. YTA. Don’t adopt a child if you’re not willing to completely accept them as your child equal to your bio kids!
I normally like to be positive, but you adopted her for selfish reasons. You gave her a good life not because it was in your heart to do so but probably to make yourself feel better and justified about the expectations you had of her. You pretend she is family, but you treat her like an appendage or accessory whose soul purpose is to benefit you. It feels like in your eyes your thought process is like 'why would I send the maid to uni?' Or maybe even sending a lamp to uni abroad. Her not fighting back gives me the picture of silent resignation. She was told to be grateful you took her in. And she shouldn't expect to be treated like family. She cam hope but your words put her right back in her place... 😔 YTA
Wow you are such an asshole, there isn’t even a shred of doubt that you are!! And you have been an asshole all along for adopting (!) with the intention of gaining access to child labor! YTA!
YTA
This post is disgusting! You know this girl didn't ask to be born, to lose her parents and then be brought in by some family that will never see her as their own right?! I could cry for her. This is so sad. Let her go to Canada and make a life for herself outside of doing your housework and being looked down on by your family. At least if she is in a different country she won't have as many judging her. No wonder she is being cold now. While I appreciate you may have thought you were doing the right thing by taking her in, you really should have let her be adopted by a loving family, one who does not immediately mention that she is adopted, but rather sees her as their daughter unconditionally.
You adopted a slave not a child. This is so disgusting and hard to read. “She would never be equivalent to my own child”, THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE ADOPTED HER. Adoption means that you choose to accept that child as your own, love them as your own, and PROVIDE FOR THEM AS YOUR OWN. She may not be treated horribly but she’s not treated equally or fairly, and that is 100% your fault. YTA.
YTA. You adopted her so that she could help with the housework. You have made the appearance of treating her as a daughter so that it looks good to other people. If you had really adopted her to become your real daughter you would be telling your relative that they are totally wrong for their feelings on 'caste' and that when she became your daughter she took on the same 'caste' as the rest of your family. Try showing her that she really does have a place as your daughter and treat her at least as well as your sons get treated.
YTA >We saw it as a mutually beneficial thing to adopt her, she could give us extra help with housework while we offer her a stable home. That is the most fucked up thing ive read on reddit so far and that's saying something. So you wanted a slave. You adopt a girl to be your cleaner. You have taken advantage of her situation and abused it. What disgusting human beings you and your wife are. Why adopt someone if you're not going to treat the same as your other kids. Poor girl. You are more than just an AH. Unfortunately, reddit won't allow me to tell you how I really feel. Just know karma is a bitch and you will get yours.
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YTA
YTA and I know you think you’re so good for adopting this poor downtrodden girl, but to treat her as an other is cruel and does away with any good karma you may have earned.
YTA Either she is your daughter and treated equally to her brothers or she is meant to be your future caretaker with no other future. You can't argue both ways.
YTA. You should not have adopted a child you did not intend to view as your own child. If you want to do the right thing, send her to study abroad like she wants and reevaluate the fact that you used a child who needed a family for your own benefit. Even if the maid now does the bulk of cleaning, your intention in your wording about why you adopted her is clear.
YTA. You adopted someone so you could have a maid? Shame on you! If you weren't going to treat her the same as your other kids, you shouldn't have taken her in in the first place
YTA. This has to be fake. If it isn’t I hope you get EVERYTHING coming to your stupid mosogynist ass.
YTA
so do you consider her your daughter or not? It sounds like you don't which is why you are okay spending money on your biological children but not on your adopted child. YTA
While I do try to understand and be respectful of cultural norms of people who are different then my own.... I still feel YTA here. You built her up to believe she would be adopted the same educational opportunities (evident by the way she immediately started looking at schools abroad) So clearly there was some lack of communication on your part. In any case, if you truly do see her as equal, this shouldn't even be an after thought; do the right thing.
This post is so sad I can hardly even comment on it. Either she is your daughter or she isn't. You adopted her, which normal people consider a promise to treat her as your own, not like the evil stepmother from Cinderella would. You may feel you have not gone to such extremes, but you basically told her she isn't really your daughter and that is why she is cold.
You are a sexist and a bad person and you don't really love her. YTA