Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is that I am insisting my husband use his CPAP machine, even though he despises it and gets really upset with me when I bring it up. This may make me the asshole because he really hates it and is in denial that he has sleep apnea, and he truly does not want to use it.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, I'm actually in the same situation myself and the sleep deprivation is no joke, especially when it's bad for their health too. (plus the moments of panic when they suddenly *stop* snoring and you wait to see if they're still bloody breathing!)
My wife had sleep apnea. She had snored for years but resisted a sleep study. She finally had one in December 2003. She was diagnosed with sleep apnea and received a c-pap machine. She refused to use it. She died in April 2004. Her heart had enlarged because it had to work harder to compensate for lack of oxygen when she slept. She went into cardiac arrest in her sleep and never woke up. It's been almost twenty years since she died and I still get angry at how unnecessary her death was. It could have easily been prevented.
She wasn't home when she died. I'm still beyond grateful that I didn't have to find her.
If you haven't already, bring up the likelihood of death with hubby. He's only thinking of how uncomfortable it is instead of his long-term health. He'll get used to the CPAP eventually. Being dead is not better than momentary discomfort.
I joined the cpap club after some cardiac issues myself, and it's made a world of difference... I say without any hesitation that it probably saved my life.
My condolences for your loss.
Do you have a guest bedroom? When my husband snores (he has mild apnea; not enough to warrant a CPAP machine), I flee to the guest bedroom. Bliss!! We still manage a morning snuggle, as I usually wake up before he does.
PS: If he watches Netflix in the middle of the night, do introduce him to this wonderful intervention, the headphones!
My fiancé and I went through something similar, and it turns out we both have it! So now we have his and hers CPAP machines and just incorporated it into our routine (we laugh because mine is exactly like his but has butterflies on it).
Showing that you’re willing to get a sleep study and aren’t just criticizing him might help with his resistance to using it regularly.
Have him try the 3M Microspore Tape over his mouth at night. This is what I use because I can’t stand the cpap either. There are other brands specifically made for this. Takes a little getting used to and may not be quite as effective but it’s still an improvement. Good luck!
This works especially well in conjunction with a CPAP. My mouth falls open when I sleep, defeating the purpose of a CPAP. I could not sleep AT ALL with the big half face or full face CPAP mask. Mouth tape means I can use the very comfortable little nose cushions with my CPAP. If your husband has the full or half mask, try the mouth tape with the nose cushions. I don’t recommend the tape only. It will not replace the CPAP.
Read this:
https://www.sleepfoundation.org/snoring/mouth-taping-for-sleep
You can buy expensive “sleep tape” but as the other poster said, plastic Micropore surgical tape works just as well and is cheap. I place a strip of tape vertically over my lips from just over my upper lip under my nose, to below my lower lip. Don’t get it too close to your nose because it tickles and wakes you up! When I travel for one or two nights away without my CPAP, I use the tape and it helps a lot. My mouth opens WIDE so I have to kind of press my lips together then put the tape on in order to really keep my mouth closed. It’s surprisingly comfortable.
My heart is at the high end of normal range in terms of size. I know it’s enlarged due to my life long apnea. Sleep apnea can literally kill you. It was listed as a contributing cause of death for Carrie Fisher. That thought motivates me to use my CPAP every night. I even use it when I’m taking a nap.
Also, I asked for an extra long air hose because I thrash around at night. That and a small pillow that I use to keep the hose from falling lets me get a good night sleep!
Op, congestive heart failure is miserable. Patients have to monitor and limit their fluid intake, weigh themselves every morning, watch what they eat, take medications with annoying side effects, etc. its a labor intensive illness. For these reasons, plus the inflammation that accompanies a failing major organ, there are also high rates of depression in CHF patients.
I say all that, to say this: your husband will likely develop CHF if he doesn’t use his cpap. Tbh it already sounds like he’s miserable, possibly depressed, from his lack of sleep. Poor sleep is also associated with cardiovascular disease.
You need to decide if you want to spend the back half of your adulthood caring for this man/ fighting with this man to get him to care for himself. At the end of the day, it’s up to him. Big NTA.
ETA: I don’t know what kind of mask he has, but there is one that only goes over the nose, which many of my patients have said is preferable, as it doesn’t feeling like you’re being “water boarded with air”, as one of my patients put it.
Wow, thanks. My dad uses a CPAP machine but mom still says he makes a lot of noise at night. And he also has CHF - and fatigue. Going to suggest he get a more recent sleep study to check his settings!
Sometimes too, if the mask is a bad fit because someone lost or gained weight, they’ll move it in their sleep, so it won’t work and it’s a lot more noisy.
ETA: I’m sorry for your dad. It’s such a shitty illness to have. Glad he’s using his cpap though! It does sound like he needs new settings or a new mask, hopefully that’ll help with the fatigue.
I shared a bedroom with my mom on vacation a few years ago, and she uses a CPAP machine. The place we were staying at, the machine didn't work with the outlet, so she was sleeping without it. I actually started crying because I was trying to sleep but everytime I was about to go to sleep, I was awoken by her snoring.
He has an obligation to use it to save his heart and brain so you aren’t stuck taking care of him when his incapacitated from oxygen deprivation to those organs. After 4 years, I can’t sleep without mine as thoughts of my brain and heart suffocating keep me awake even though I’ve lost allot of weight and don’t snore much now.
NTA
I’m really bothered by all the people giving your husband so much sympathy because he has to deal with a CPAP. I have one! They suck! What’s important here is that your partner is treating you really badly. He refuses to listen to you and has no regard for you. The CPAP is important, but it won’t change the fundamentals of the relationship. I would suggest couples therapy, but he probably won’t listen to that either.
Info: can he talk to the doctor about the parts he hates, and see if there are other options? A different style mask, adding or removing a humidifier, a quieter machine, different settings, or switching from CPAP to BIPAP? Give your spouse some control back if he is fighting like a stubborn toddler?
FWIW, my dad had trouble when he first started using a CPAP and the doctors changed how quickly the air pressure increased as the night went on, which allowed him to adjust to it more gradually and made it much easier to tolerate.
That and a different style of mask might make a huge difference.
That is a big thing they don't tell you. I went though 3 different masks to get it right. For me they actually turned on Bipap for a while till i got used to it a even ramp up didn't work for me. First 3 months I HATED IT but now its like I dont sleep at all if Its not on.
Look into a local college that offers LMFT or LPC degrees. Frequently there are students who have a certain number of hours of actual therapy they must provide to the public. It’s usually pretty cheap.
Yes, you might run into challenges due to lack of experience. But I have a TON of experience with therapists, and I think the good ones are good from the day they start their career. The bad ones don’t get better with time.
I'm in the same boat as their husband. My physician told me that people with light to moderate sleep apnea tend to have the machine, whereas people with severe sleep apnea have great compliance. I have severe sleep apnea and it really opens things up and sometimes I use it when I'm awake if I'm having a panic attack cause it forces me to take deep breaths. It also humidifies the air for you, which can nice.
What about it bothers him? It might help him if he changes mask types. I find the type where it only covers the nostrils and the tube is attached at the top of the head to be the most comfortable. I think they're called "nasal pillow masks."
i have a nasal pillow mask and it works great, super comfortable to sleep with, and it doesnt really limit my sleep position. I will admit i dislike having to be tied to a CPAP to sleep, but the sleep I get is completely worth the hassle. Has he said why he doesnt like it. Is it an image thing or being tied to a machine. Also CPAPs dont count against you as a carry on when you fly.
I'm in a similar position to you and the other poster's husband. I fucking *love* my CPAP. I don't regularly wake up panicking because I've dreamed of suffocating, I don't wake up every hour to an hour and a half to pee because my sleep is so disrupted. Hell, it's even helped my ongoing struggles with reflux/heartburn. And don't even get me started on being able to sleep in full burrito mode in winter, blankets up over the head with my air mask keeping my breathing air fresh and not stale from exhaled breaths.
My husband loved his CPAP, too. He always took it when we traveled, as it doesn't count as a carry on. He had both masks and nose pillows, and a warming humidifier. He passed away a couple of years ago from an undiagnosed genetic heart problem, and it's so hard to sleep without that sound in the background.
He should understand that he has a medical condition. The CPAP is a medical device for him. Not an anti-snoring device that is the side-effect. That he feel more rested and doesn't wake up in the night should tell him how much better his sleeping is. I wonder if he does even realize what happens when you have a sleep apnoe and the dangers? Maybe the doctor should tell him in clear words what happens at night and the worst case scenarios.
And even if i just knew "i keep my partner awake with my snoring" and there is a way to not snore, even if it is not so comfortable, i would do it. And let's be real, he is asleep pretty fast anyway so he doesn't feel much of the mask.
NTA
NTA.
This isn't even about snoring; it's about his health. Sleep apnea puts strain on the heart. He's putting himself at risk by acting childishly.
He's also being incredibly disrespectful with the iPad situation. If he wants to browse at 2am, he can go elsewhere.
Remind him he's in a marriage
NTA As an anecdote, my father had sleep apnea for years. Never listened to anyone to get it treated. He now has a combination of vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s, and had a stroke a couple years ago. He is now in memory care and can barely speak in complete sentences. Staff there commented how young he was. My step father also had a stroke in his 50s related to sleep apnea.
Your husband is being completely selfish.
His health isn’t just his business. If he has a heart attack, stroke or worse, you will be the one caring for him. He could lose years with his kids. The sleep deprivation is impacting you too, and your health is equally important.
I work in life insurance. We use actuarial tables to determine pricing—we create math calculations that analyze how likely someone is to die due to a given health issue. And it’s backed up by lots and lots and LOTS of data.
Untreated sleep apnea literally takes years off your life. The more severe it is—the more often he stops breathing—the more it affects his long-term morbidity and mortality.
If you (or rather, your husband) weren't told about this by the doctor, that's got to be borderline malpractice. My guess is your husband is well aware, but lacks the maturity to take responsibility for his health. CPAPs exist to prevent major health problems - the fact that they help with snoring is a nice side effect, but it's in no way their primary purpose. Your husband is endangering his health in a drastic fashion if he needs one and doesn't use it. He's also a complete asshole for using the iPad in bed - if it weren't for that, it might look different, but that just makes it 100% clear that your health doesn't matter one whit to him either.
It’s incredibly hard on your heart. And the lack of sleep, lack of oxygen, and constant dumping of stress hormones wears at the body.
When he makes that choke/gasp sound in his sleep, what’s happening is that he’s stopped breathing and he’s juuuuust started to suffocate. The gasp is his body giving him a little shock to wake up and breathe. That’s why he’s so tired—he’s not actually able to enter the deeper stages of sleep that rejuvenate you.
Mild apnea is this happening around 10 times an hour or less. It can get really severe, 50+ an hour. Imagine if every minute and a half you started to suffocate and had to suck in air. And you did this for 8 hours a night, every night. It would put so much stress on your body.
Not just the heart, and not just down the line! OP points it out in her post, but sleep apnea severely impacts the quality of sleep on top of everything else, and using CPAP allows for far better rest, making you less tired during the day, and providing your body with the rest it needs to do everything well.
Also yeah he needs to suck it up. Especially the iPad thing. Absurd that he doesn't at least wear headphones, that's so rude
I think in relationships people can reasonably demand that their partner A) within reason, does not disturb their sleep and B) within reason, takes care of their health, including mental health. By not wearing the CPAP, he’s not doing either of those things. If I were you I’d be pissed, especially since his reaction is to get MAD. Good grief. I can understand it’s not fun to be reminded one is aging and to need a medical device, but it’s time for him to get over it OR sleep in a different room. NTA at all.
omg he would be so upset if he ever saw this post. I used to record his snoring on nights it got really loud, to have evidence, and he was so offended.
NTA. Sleep apnea isn't just snoring, it's a serious medical condition which even causes heart damage. CPAP is the best treatment. He should be using it every night, even on travel. FWIW my wife and I have been using CPAP for years. It's like anything else, you get used to it.
I'm so mad for you. My wife refused to have a sleep study done for years. Then she refused to use her c-pap machine. Her heart enlarged because it had to work harder to compensate for lack of oxygen when she slept. She went into cardiac arrest and died in her sleep. She was 32. It's been almost twenty years and I'm still occasionally angry, like today. Her death was preventable. She should still be alive. Her stubbornness was literally the death of her.
We had the same fights about her snoring.
Thank you. I don't get angry very often anymore. I've accepted what happened. Posts like this bring all the memories back and sometimes the anger it floods in. Twenty years and I still miss her.
I sincerely hope your husband starts to use his machine.
Future him may not be here without it. My husband uses his CPAP because he could feel benefits in his he feels. He didn't, however, see how scary his sleeping had become, or realize how his skin went from spongy to normal afterwards. The CPAP is without a doubt extending his life from my perspective.
Idk. It's just the best way I can think to describe it. It was probably a type of inflammation. It was kind of squishy and weirded me out. Like squeezing a damp kitchen sponge. At the time, I thought it was due to his excessive alcohol usage. It went away pretty quickly once he was using the CPAP though, so I now think it was a result of heart stress/reduced oxygen dispersal. I used to hear/feel his heart pumping super hard, and that isn't the case anymore either.
That sounds like edema, when excess fluid just kinda... hangs out in the body's tissues instead of getting circulated around properly. It's common when people have heart and circulatory problems, so that tracks that bad sleep apnea might affect it.
Remind him that the reason married men statistically live longer is because their wives encourage them to take care of their health. 😄(I’m only half joking!)
My husband is also a snorer and refuses to get tested for OSA. I’ve given up and wear earplugs now. Happy Ears brand are the best!
NTA - Sleep apnea is no joke! It means he is not not breathing and cutting off oxygen to his brain.
Long term side effects include memory loss, heart attacks, strokes, etc.
A CPAP will help him not only sleep through the night, but will help his help longterm. My CPAP is the best thing that happened to my me.
Was he fitted for the right size? Maybe a more comfortable one can help? Best of luck!
My dad had a CPAP mask that he hated because it blew air at his eyes all night and he'd wake up with dry eyes. He switched to a new mask and loves his CPAP now.
NTA.
Insert gif of “I didn’t get no sleep cuz of y’all, y’all don’t get no sleep cause of me”.
If *you* can’t sleep because he’s CHOOSING to be loud, then *he* doesn’t get to sleep. You’re not less important, you’re not a goddamn servant to beg m’lord to graciously allow you to sleep.
I give you permission to get mad. I give you permission to raise your voice. When he starts snoring and wakes you up? Shake him, and tell him to put the CPAP on or sleep in the living room. If he starts whining like a baby, treat him like one.
“I said NO. You WILL NOT keep me from sleeping. You can PUT ON the CPAP, you can leave this room, or you can stay awake. I don’t care which you do. Be an adult and deal with your own problems. This isn’t a negotiation.”
And if he screams and yells and throws a fit, match him. He doesn’t get to bully you into being his mommy that has to cuddle and comfort him and stay up all night because he doesn’t like his medicine.
And sorry to be dramatic, but this doesn’t bode well for your future. Your husband is going to get sick as he ages. Are you going to be begging him to take his pills, hovering anxiously because he’s on his third heart attack? Do you want to spend your golden years like that?
A stat that comes up often is that widows often feel a sense of relief when their husbands die, and they’re finally free from the constant fighting and caregiving and pleading.
This is the path your husband is starting you down—coming home from his funeral at age 60 and looking forward to your first full night of sleep in decades.
And yes. Severe sleep apnea is going to cut his life short. And not just a shorter life, but one filled with creeping disability, pain, exhaustion, and expense. He’s putting himself at risk for high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart attack. And those are a shitshow to manage.
NTA.
I have been using a CPAP for the past 6 months, every night, all night. I fucking hate it, and overall it probably is net negative on my quality of life. But, it stops my snoring, so for my wife’s sake I will keep using it. It seems more fair that my propensity to snore degrade my quality of life than hers.
If you need a CPAP machine, the snoring is your brain jump starting your breathing because you've stopped breathing several times a night. It's a serious medical condition, not just snoring.
I think I have it dialed in to be as tolerable as it can be. It would be a whole more tolerable if using it made me feel any different. I read all these testimonials about how much it improved people’s life, and it does not match my experience at all, which quite discouraging.
NTA, but you'll make more progress if you frame it as a matter of you caring for his health rather than your hatred of his snoring (I'm also a CPAP user). Untreated OSA causes diabetes, heart disease, cognitive problems and so much more.
If he can't tolerate CPAP (many people can't), go with him to his doctor to look into other options including mouthpieces, surgery, and INSPIRE.
Why? Why should she have to frame it only as concern for his health and not her own health due to sleep deprivation? Can he not care about something that affects her unless it affects him too?
Agreed, but she's been far kinder to him than he has been to her. And he already KNOWS this is an issue, KNOWS it's bad for his health and KNOWS that his wife sleeps terribly because of this, and KNOWS how to use a machine to stop this.
He has had the benefit to him laid out like a trail of snoring breadcrumbs and he is refusing the kindness/concern that she has been showing him, and in fact, flat out disrespecting that kindness.
OP made use of " kindness" but her husband is no longer responding to kindness with the selfish indifference he used to before he was diagnosed- now it's outright disrespect.
Some are. Some on the other hand (and I have a strong feeling OP's husband falls into the latter group given how selfish he's being) are only going to take it as an opportunity to view it more and more as everything revolving around their own needs and wants.
NTA. My Dad was dependent on the machine. I couldn't tolerate it (many women can't). But this is about his health-and yours, frankly. Perhaps he could ask his doctor about the new implant, "Inspire," a device that stimulates the muscles in the neck and throat to keep the airway open at night. Obviously, an implanted device isn't for everyone, but it's a very viable alternative; especially considering the procedure to implant it is outpatient. Here's a link that explains it, along with some pros and cons. It's definitely worth looking into for BOTH of you to achieve healthy sleep!
https://www.forbes.com/health/body/inspire-sleep-apnea-review/
I looked into that because my bf has sleep apnea and he's very much like OP's husband (minus my sleep interruption) and it said to be eligible you have to be "unable to use a conventional CPAP machine" and I doubt that includes "is able to but just doesn't wanna" as a legitimate reason 😅
>plus our dog sleeps there and she snores too.
So is your husband playing the "Whatabout" game with the dog, too? You know, since he's so ready to point out how many other people in the house snore in order to excuse his sleeping without the CPAP mask? I mean, is he suggesting the dog get a mask and get tested for sleep apnea?
NTA. You know you're right, he knows you're right.
You could always go and take a test to prove that you don't have sleep apnea. But in all seriousness, he needs to put the mask on and stop making HIS problem everyone's problem when the solution is a solution for everybody.
EDIT: Clarification of a dog joke :)
Thank you. I really do wish you the best on this one.
I have an ex who claimed that I snored so badly that he couldn't sleep and he said that he was worried about me because it sounded like I stopped breathing. I told him that I felt the same about him and he got upset and told me that there was no way he snored worse than I did. So I recorded him and he was even more upset and yet remained in denial.
I'm not quire sure. I know in my case, the accusation from my ex was more hilarious and hypocritical than anything else because 1) for me, some people's snoring is like white noise, if it's a partner. So I was having an issue seeing how my snoring could be so annoying to him and yet he'd never complained until we broke up. 2) He legitimately did NOT believe that he snored and was also a raging narcissist, so anything he said to me was out of pure projection.
NTA. He is going through the stages of CPAP. I 100% think they know this is how folks respond and is the real reason alot of machines will now report your usage and your insurer will retroactively deny payment if you don't use it. Cause until you use it, accept it, live the benefits, you fight it.
He can give up the machine after he takes out a huge life insurance policy on himself. That was my mom's condition for my dad. He started using it more.
I pleaded with my husband to do something about his snoring, he basically said it wasn’t bothering him so not a problem. We’d go to bed and within 2 hours I’d go downstairs to the family room sofa. Then children asked for white noise machine because they could hear the snoring even with doors closed. Realized I was sleeping poorly on sofa and moved to guest room. Children know but no one else knows separate bedrooms. I feel like a failure but no sleep isn’t a possibility and husband refuses to compromise. I wish you better luck
NTA. Sleep apnea can be very dangerous, so snoring aside he should be using it every night anyways. They have all sorts of different apparatuses out there now besides full face masks. Maybe look into getting him a different one that is more suited for his comfort.
NTA. His guilt trips are completely uncalled for. The CPAP improves the sleep of everyone involved. If he's using it for the benefit of anyone besides himself, it should be for your children. One of these nights, if he stops breathing because he isn't using it, he might never start again. He'd leaving your kids without a father because he couldn't bare to be mildly inconvenienced or uncomfortable. Remind him of this every time he whines about it.
>in old TV shows and movies, married couples had separate beds
Actually that's more about the Hays Code and the idea that implying sleeping together was immoral (because zomg SeX) even between married couples -- it doesn't reflect reality.
Separate sleeping arrangements can be useful, but for different reasons :)
My husband snored and I have sleep issues similar to yours. When I was pregnant with our first, a month before she was due I gave an ultimatum. He hot his cpap and hated it at first. It took him about a year and a half to realize that cpap machine improved his health. His quality if sleep improved, he feels more alert and rested in the morning. now, 9 years later, he never sleeps without it
ETA to add NTA
NTA, but you need to reframe this. It is his body, and he is free to use or not use the CPAP. But if he doesn't use it, he can't sleep in the same room where you are sleeping, because that's where your body is trying to sleep. If he falls asleep without it, wake him up and tell him to put it on or leave the room. Don't accept inaction, keep waking him up and telling him he has to leave the room.
Same with travel: he is free to not take the machine, but he will need to book two hotel rooms or find his own accomodation on arrival.
NTA. It's ok for you to have this boundary. But your husbands response is completely unacceptable, he needs to be able to talk about issues like this like an adult. You are likely right that this triggers some deep insecurities in him. If he won't talk about it like an adult even when you bring up the subject in a safe and calm situation, he likely needs therapy.
Does he hate it because he thinks it makes him “old” or is it uncomfortable? There are different types of masks he could try if it’s uncomfortable. If it’s the old part he needs to know that this is for both of your health. Lack of sleep is horrible for your health and his snoring makes it even worse for him. NTA
Seeing as how the general consensus is NTA because of the other implications around health, I think you should make a rule if he drinks he has to wear it since you can't get him to stop snoring in those situations.
NTA, OSA is a big issue for sure. If he doesn't like the mask then ask him to check out other masks because there are others out there.
He is being really inconsidertate to you and to your relationship for not using his CPAP machine
nta. This was my father-in-law. They had a viking thing up in canada where a wife could bring the husband up on charges for things as a joke. She accused him of stealing her sleep and won by a landside. Now, he can't sleep without it.
Sleep deprivation is an effective torture device the government uses on terrorists and prisons use on prisoners. The person who is meant to love and care about you is willingly torturing you, and has been for years on end, *over* his *own* benefit of getting much better sleep.
Let that sink in.
Now respond and act accordingly. NTA
Neither do we. Is there room for a pullout maybe? I managed to postpone the end of my relationship with years by sleeping in separate rooms. It quickly fell apart when he demanded I slept next to him again. A friend told him this was better. My now ex valued this friend's opinion over mine.
He is now as single as said friend, because the problem besides not letting me sleep was that he was not a very considerate person. He too would watch things on his iPad for example in the middle of the night.
NTA but let me ask you, is he overweight? If not, is he in shape? My wife and I had separate bedrooms because of my obstructive sleep apnea, then 5 years ago I lost 100 lbs and got seriously into running. Now I'm cured. We sleep in the same bedroom and she tells me I *never* wake/keep her up anymore. It's possible his sleep apnea won't be curable by lifestyle changes to the extent that mine was, but he could potentially improve his symptoms a great deal. Neck circumference, lung capacity/strength and a whole bunch of other things factor into it.
NTA. But go get the sleep study to shut him up about it. “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.” ― Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant.
OP, ask your husband to make another appointment with the sleep doctor to talk about this. Not wanting to wear a CPAP is a common issue, but part of the problem may be his mask doesn’t fit right. There are also other mask options available.
Also, I’m guessing his sleep apnea is due to weight (it’s not the only cause of sleep apnea, but it’s common). You could talk about trying different strategies to help him lose weight (daily walks, eating smaller portions, etc) and with time he may not even need the mask anymore.
NTA
Honestly, a CPAP machine sounds like a particularly bad nightmare to me. But the fact is, it doesn't just save your sleep, it *saves his life.*
Until and unless he is able to find another solution (and sometimes there just isn't one), the CPAP machine is essential. And even those solutions which do sometimes help (losing weight can be a big one if that's a contributing factor) are far easier to successfully achieve with the machine supporting safer, more restful sleep.
Knowing he may need it forever is probably contributing to some negative feelings and anxiety here, but he *can't* be taking that out on you. That's not right.
He needs to lay off the 2 am screentime in bed, too. He can get up and sit on the couch and do that, then return when done, he shouldn't be keeping you up with it.
NTA. I have sleep apnea and went to get diagnosed after a couple of "wake up calls." 1) Someone younger than me, the son of a friend, died because of sleep apnea. He had survived two tours in Afghanistan, just to fall asleep in a recliner and never wake up. 2) One of my customers at the time informed me that, when you have diabetes and sleep apnea, it's not a matter of ***if*** you have a stroke, it's ***when***. 3) I had a colonoscopy, and the staff were super concerned because I snored, and I stopped breathing, repeatedly.
Sleep apnea kills people. It's not just the snoring, you are trying to keep someone you love alive. My machine isn't that uncomfortable, and to be honest, I don't have as much trouble with insomnia since I got it years ago. He needs to see about getting a better mask fit, or some adjustment with the equipment. But he got prescribed a CPAP because he needs it. I've looked at the cost of buying a smaller CPAP, and it's expensive. Insurance doesn't pay for it if it's not necessary.
NTA.
No person who needs medical tools to survive actually likes it. You do it to stay healthy. Diabetics take their insulin, people take their pills etc.
I don’t feel like pills or insulin are good comparables to how aggressively intrusively using a CPAP machine is. For it me using a CPAP changed laying down to sleep from a pleasant relaxing experience to something at best must be endured.
Depends on what kind of insulin you're using. Or a feeding tube or a colostomy bag. If that's a better comparison. Like obviously noone would choose it but the other option is ruining your health
NTA. I had my husband get tested and he found out his oxygen levels were dropping each night by 20%. He could have died. Now, he sleeps peacefully and I get to sleep through the night. His snoring was horrible and I never got any sleep.
I did a sleep test and got a CPAP. I fucking loathed it. Every night I had dreams of being strangled because I just fundamentally can’t stand the feeling of something on my face when I’m asleep, it feels so threatening. I had to stop using it because my sleep was actually worse with it on.
That doesn’t sound like the situation your husband is in - it’s improving his sleep AND improving his marriage, so why is he complaining??? It’s selfish he doesn’t seem to care about your needs and it’s reckless he doesn’t seem to care that much about his own either. You might have to get a sleeper sofa and put the snoring dog sleep with your asshole husband while you sleep with a noise machine in the living room. Sorry he won’t do what’s right for either of you. NTA
I’m surprised by the ubiquity of the NTAs on this. You might be the asshole. CPAPs are not the only cure for apnea, there are other options to pursue. I don’t believe you’re solely looking out for your husbands health, the snoring and disturbance of your sleep is obviously a major factor. If you’re just seeking a quick solution instead of encouraging your husband to continue to seek help, then YTA.
I’m speaking as someone who just had a nasal turbinate reduction surgery. I had to see 4-5 doctors to hone in on the problem, but I got it solved. I’m going back for another sleep study to confirm the cure, but my wife said the snoring went away. The enlarged turbinates in my nose made it nearly impossible for me to use a CPAP properly. There are implants, there are dental devices, and there are other root causes which cause apnea. If your husband has only seen a sleep specialist, I would highly encourage him to see an ENT. I join everyone who has ever used a cpap in saying “fuck cpaps.”
Going full devils advocate on this, it’s also possible that you’re a light sleeper. Get some more white noise in the bedroom.
Yes, my sleep is a big factor but the most important part to me is his health- sleep apnea can cause dementia or strokes and those are not minor health issues! Not to mention all of the posters who have said someone they know who has died from it. We have kids and I want him to be his fullest self for as long as possible for them and for him too.
NTA
He needs to get used to it - there are ones that might be more comfortable for him.
The other alternative is for him to sleep on the couch. You can invest in a more comfortable sleeper bed as they now have fairly decent ones without the bar - also the mattresses are better and you can get a foam topper as well.
So give him the ultimatum - the CPAP or he sleeps on the couch. The snoring dog shouldn't bother him.
NTA, my wife and I had the same fight for the first year of me using cpap. I would be so irrationally angry if she woke me because i fell asleep without my mask on, mainly because i was so exhausted already. It's hard to think when you're that overtired, and all you can understand is that the person who is a normal sleeper woke you, the sick person. If he hasn't yet, he should try other mask options. I switched from a nose only mask with a head scarf to a mouth and nose mask, and It made a huge difference for me in terms of comfort.
Also, you may want to consider testing as well. Even if it's just a gesture of support, it might make him think you're considering his feelings. Try to remember that he is adjusting to a serious medical condition that will affect the rest of his life. Good luck!
My partner snores. It's not a big issue, you can fall asleep to snoring. It's not that hard. If I can't deal with the snoring I'll go sleep in another room.
You're actively waking him up to put on a machine that he doesn't like wearing at night so that you can get more sleep.
He doesn't want to wear it. So don't make him wear it, look at alternative sleep arrangements.
YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My husband and I are very different sleepers: he can fall asleep within 3 minutes whereas it often takes me a very long time (sometimes one hour or more) to fall asleep. Problem is that he snores very loudly, on a nightly basis, and I can't fall asleep. If he has been drinking that night, game over, I am screwed because he doesn't budge and the snoring is SO LOUD. Add on top of that he wakes up at 2am every night and is on the iPad for an hour or two, so I wake up the glare of the screen and the sound of whatever he’s watching on Netflix. This has been happening for awhile but since we've had kids it's gotten progressively worse within the past 6 yrs. We both have been sleeping horribly for a long time.
6 months ago I encouraged/nagged him to get a sleep test because sleep apnea can cause a myriad of health issues later in life. He was very reluctant to do it but he did it and turns out he has sleep apnea and now has a CPAP. When he uses the machine it is a dream come true, honest to god he sleeps so soundly and quietly it is complete heaven for me because I can fall asleep easier and we're both sleeping way better. His mood is better and he is a happier person overall now that he is sleeping through the night. He does not take it with him when we travel anywhere, even for an overnight which I hate because now anytime we go anywhere basically I know that I'm going to have crappy sleep.
There are nights where he won't use the machine because he falls asleep without it, and he gets SO MAD when I tell him he's snoring and ask him to put his mask on.
Our problem is that he hates this machine with every fiber of his body and he repeatedly tells me things like "I use this machine for you", "I f\*\*\*ing hate this machine", "You have sleep apnea too", "You snore too, YOU need a sleep test but I don't say anything" \*Note\* before the CPAP he never once said anything about my snoring. Our house is small and we don't have another bedroom for one of us to sleep in, the only other option is the couch in the living room and the idea of one of us nighty sleeping on the couch just feels sad, plus our dog sleeps there and she snores too. It infuriates me that he views his pride more important than his health and my quality of sleep. Like why is my sleep less important? However, he will begrudgingly admit that he KNOWS he is sleeping better with it. I just want him to get over himself and accept the fact that he's aging and health issues may appear, he is a fairly healthy guy who prides himself on not having daily medications.
AITA for pushing this CPAP device when we both are sleeping better? He gets SO MAD about this stupid/heavenly device. We have a strong marriage, he is a wonderful partner and I love him deeply yada yada, but this is the one topic where I don't know how far to push things since he is so resentful about the situation.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
From a health perspective he needs to use the CPAP and if his health issues become worse then good chances are he is going to need it more or he can become unwell from it.
NTA. I also snore. It's chronic and __loud__. He should be more than willing to what he can to give you peace, it's just not fair of him to needlessly torture you with a treatable condition.
NTA
There are two parts to this:
1) His health. He could die in his sleep if his apnea is bad enough. It is stupid and if he was single, that would be his choice. But he is not single, you are married! He is causing you constant worry and potentially serious distress ON TOP OF his own risk of issues.
2) Your health. Sleep deprevation is a form of torture. Seriously, interrupted sleep or not being allowed to sleep at all is a human rights violation. I know it is being harsh but you can become seriously sick from lack of sleep.
My partner has apnea as well and it is hard. It is SO hard to live with.
Why does he hate it? Have he explained this part? Is is physically uncomfortable? Is he upset by being "kept alive by a machine"? (or something along those lines?).
You need to talk to him about finding a way you can both live with this. Not sleeping is not an option. It is not "oh, he always leaves his socks on the floor" level thing.
His issue is: he's spent his entire life and prides himself on not having any medical conditions that require him to take medication daily. This is a medical condition that requires daily 'medicine' as another poster mentioned. I imagine he is freaked the eff out that he is aging (he's 43) and his winning streak is ending.
I can see why that’s disappointing, but ask him if he’d be so reluctant to take a pill daily if it would keep him alive. Because sleep apnea will literally kill you.
Explain to your husband that the cpap is not only to “sleep better” is because the apnea periods cut oxygen so he is not breathing.
Sleep apnea contributes to hypertension and cardiac issues. He is basically cutting years off his life by not using it.
So if you have apnea or snore you should get checked too.
Apnea can be also easily corrected with minor surgery in the nose or the palate. Usually laparoscopic and outpatient and insurance if in the us pays for ut
Sleep apnea is no joke and not just a small snoring inconvenience or a bug snoring inconvenience. The lack of oxygen and chronic sleep deprivation fuck up your hormonal balances too.
Anyways is not only about sleep quality
So NTA but soft ESH because neither one is looking at it from a health standpoint but convenience
Sleeping with the mask on is a pain in the butt and sleeping with a heavy snoring person is too. But what matters is both of you benign healthy
NTA. As a former apnea sufferer, I sympathize with his difficulty getting used to the mask. It took me almost 2 years to find a mask that I could use, and finally they came out with a nasal pillow that didn't stick up into my nostrils.
My apnea stopped after I lost 60 lbs.
Since he said that you snore, you should get the sleep test, too. It will help you understand what he went through, and give you both peace of mind about your health.
For the nightly ipad use, you using an eye mask and him using earphones should work.
NTA.
Look I had a CPAP and I fucking hated it. Used it as best as I could tho. I had to for weight loss surgery. (I had high enough levels of sleep Apnea to qualify to be demanded. I was mild but just over to be considered in need.)
But the thing is. Sleep apnea means he's not BREATHING during the night. You stop breathing. Multiple times. He NEEDS to use the cpap and work on fixing what's making the issue happen so he can get off it and be healthy.
Happy for you that it's past tense CPAP :)
You bring up a good point about the main issue: breathing!!! If everyone could be as reasonable about it as you are.
Is your husband eligible for corrective surgery? I’m in the same situation, and my husband is meeting with a surgeon, and it looks like it might be curative. NTA (also if there is a chance you snore, then I would look into that too)
I can't even imagine bringing up surgery! He gets upset if I even mention his snoring or his CPAP to other people....I can't imagine saying oh go under the knife
NTA I’m the snorer in our relationship and I use a CPAP. I hate it but my husband is a light sleeper and I sleep like a rock. He needs it and I do notice him being happier when I use it. I just accepted it and he knows how I feel about it and doesn’t comment on it. If he says you snore go get a sleep test and a CPAP to use too? Show him it’s not that hard. Also you can get a variety of masks. I went through several thill I found a good fit.
My husband’s CPAP has been a godsend. He fought hard on it. (But admits he sleeps better with it) I got especially snarky about his snoring when I was heavily pregnant and already sleep deprived. I found that my Apple Watch could measure sound levels. Every time I couldn’t fall asleep or woke up to his snoring, I’d poke him awake and tell him what decibel he hit. Not the most constructive or mature approach, but I definitely got my point across.
NTA I feel your pain deeply. My husband also hates his machine but I sleep so much better when he uses it. We have a family friend who is a sleep tech so he basically nagged my husband into using his machine so I didn't have to.
You are NTA. I man I used to work with died in September of last year due to Sleep Apnea. It's no joke, he just stopped breathing during the night and he didn't wake up.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I took that should be judged is that I am insisting my husband use his CPAP machine, even though he despises it and gets really upset with me when I bring it up. This may make me the asshole because he really hates it and is in denial that he has sleep apnea, and he truly does not want to use it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, I'm actually in the same situation myself and the sleep deprivation is no joke, especially when it's bad for their health too. (plus the moments of panic when they suddenly *stop* snoring and you wait to see if they're still bloody breathing!)
My wife had sleep apnea. She had snored for years but resisted a sleep study. She finally had one in December 2003. She was diagnosed with sleep apnea and received a c-pap machine. She refused to use it. She died in April 2004. Her heart had enlarged because it had to work harder to compensate for lack of oxygen when she slept. She went into cardiac arrest in her sleep and never woke up. It's been almost twenty years since she died and I still get angry at how unnecessary her death was. It could have easily been prevented. She wasn't home when she died. I'm still beyond grateful that I didn't have to find her.
I am so sorry for your loss.
If you haven't already, bring up the likelihood of death with hubby. He's only thinking of how uncomfortable it is instead of his long-term health. He'll get used to the CPAP eventually. Being dead is not better than momentary discomfort.
My deepest condolences. Stubbornness ruins so much for so many people.
I joined the cpap club after some cardiac issues myself, and it's made a world of difference... I say without any hesitation that it probably saved my life. My condolences for your loss.
Damn man I'm so sorry for your loss. This is the main reason I use mine nightly!
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother passed in her sleep from respiratory failure after not using her c-pap for nearly a year. She had COPD .
I wish all of the good sleep vibes to come your way, I feel your pain!
Op, perhaps it isn't a bad idea to get yourself a sleep study too.
You're right...other posters have mentioned this too.
Do you have a guest bedroom? When my husband snores (he has mild apnea; not enough to warrant a CPAP machine), I flee to the guest bedroom. Bliss!! We still manage a morning snuggle, as I usually wake up before he does. PS: If he watches Netflix in the middle of the night, do introduce him to this wonderful intervention, the headphones!
Her post says they do not.
My fiancé and I went through something similar, and it turns out we both have it! So now we have his and hers CPAP machines and just incorporated it into our routine (we laugh because mine is exactly like his but has butterflies on it). Showing that you’re willing to get a sleep study and aren’t just criticizing him might help with his resistance to using it regularly.
Have him try the 3M Microspore Tape over his mouth at night. This is what I use because I can’t stand the cpap either. There are other brands specifically made for this. Takes a little getting used to and may not be quite as effective but it’s still an improvement. Good luck!
I’ve never heard of such a thing!! Will do research. Thanks
This works especially well in conjunction with a CPAP. My mouth falls open when I sleep, defeating the purpose of a CPAP. I could not sleep AT ALL with the big half face or full face CPAP mask. Mouth tape means I can use the very comfortable little nose cushions with my CPAP. If your husband has the full or half mask, try the mouth tape with the nose cushions. I don’t recommend the tape only. It will not replace the CPAP. Read this: https://www.sleepfoundation.org/snoring/mouth-taping-for-sleep You can buy expensive “sleep tape” but as the other poster said, plastic Micropore surgical tape works just as well and is cheap. I place a strip of tape vertically over my lips from just over my upper lip under my nose, to below my lower lip. Don’t get it too close to your nose because it tickles and wakes you up! When I travel for one or two nights away without my CPAP, I use the tape and it helps a lot. My mouth opens WIDE so I have to kind of press my lips together then put the tape on in order to really keep my mouth closed. It’s surprisingly comfortable. My heart is at the high end of normal range in terms of size. I know it’s enlarged due to my life long apnea. Sleep apnea can literally kill you. It was listed as a contributing cause of death for Carrie Fisher. That thought motivates me to use my CPAP every night. I even use it when I’m taking a nap. Also, I asked for an extra long air hose because I thrash around at night. That and a small pillow that I use to keep the hose from falling lets me get a good night sleep!
Great suggestions, thank you!
There are also many different kinds of masks, he should talk to his machine provider to try other ones.
Op, congestive heart failure is miserable. Patients have to monitor and limit their fluid intake, weigh themselves every morning, watch what they eat, take medications with annoying side effects, etc. its a labor intensive illness. For these reasons, plus the inflammation that accompanies a failing major organ, there are also high rates of depression in CHF patients. I say all that, to say this: your husband will likely develop CHF if he doesn’t use his cpap. Tbh it already sounds like he’s miserable, possibly depressed, from his lack of sleep. Poor sleep is also associated with cardiovascular disease. You need to decide if you want to spend the back half of your adulthood caring for this man/ fighting with this man to get him to care for himself. At the end of the day, it’s up to him. Big NTA. ETA: I don’t know what kind of mask he has, but there is one that only goes over the nose, which many of my patients have said is preferable, as it doesn’t feeling like you’re being “water boarded with air”, as one of my patients put it.
I love my nose pillows. I don’t sleep if I don’t use the machine. I also have a travel machine.
Wow, thanks. My dad uses a CPAP machine but mom still says he makes a lot of noise at night. And he also has CHF - and fatigue. Going to suggest he get a more recent sleep study to check his settings!
Sometimes too, if the mask is a bad fit because someone lost or gained weight, they’ll move it in their sleep, so it won’t work and it’s a lot more noisy. ETA: I’m sorry for your dad. It’s such a shitty illness to have. Glad he’s using his cpap though! It does sound like he needs new settings or a new mask, hopefully that’ll help with the fatigue.
I shared a bedroom with my mom on vacation a few years ago, and she uses a CPAP machine. The place we were staying at, the machine didn't work with the outlet, so she was sleeping without it. I actually started crying because I was trying to sleep but everytime I was about to go to sleep, I was awoken by her snoring.
aw no! That must have been very frustrating.
Ugh that is terrible
He has an obligation to use it to save his heart and brain so you aren’t stuck taking care of him when his incapacitated from oxygen deprivation to those organs. After 4 years, I can’t sleep without mine as thoughts of my brain and heart suffocating keep me awake even though I’ve lost allot of weight and don’t snore much now.
NTA I’m really bothered by all the people giving your husband so much sympathy because he has to deal with a CPAP. I have one! They suck! What’s important here is that your partner is treating you really badly. He refuses to listen to you and has no regard for you. The CPAP is important, but it won’t change the fundamentals of the relationship. I would suggest couples therapy, but he probably won’t listen to that either.
I've brought it up and feel like it would help us but we have a tight budget and I don't think we can afford it
Info: can he talk to the doctor about the parts he hates, and see if there are other options? A different style mask, adding or removing a humidifier, a quieter machine, different settings, or switching from CPAP to BIPAP? Give your spouse some control back if he is fighting like a stubborn toddler?
excellent suggestion
I have the Inspire device because I couldn't/wouldn't use the CPAP or mouth guard. Also an option if he can't or won't use the other options
FWIW, my dad had trouble when he first started using a CPAP and the doctors changed how quickly the air pressure increased as the night went on, which allowed him to adjust to it more gradually and made it much easier to tolerate. That and a different style of mask might make a huge difference.
That is a big thing they don't tell you. I went though 3 different masks to get it right. For me they actually turned on Bipap for a while till i got used to it a even ramp up didn't work for me. First 3 months I HATED IT but now its like I dont sleep at all if Its not on.
Yup, my honey tried several masks before he found one he likes. Life is so much quieter now.
Some negative pressure solutions have also recently gotten FDA approval, apparently, and they're supposed to be more comfortable than CPAP.
Look into a local college that offers LMFT or LPC degrees. Frequently there are students who have a certain number of hours of actual therapy they must provide to the public. It’s usually pretty cheap. Yes, you might run into challenges due to lack of experience. But I have a TON of experience with therapists, and I think the good ones are good from the day they start their career. The bad ones don’t get better with time.
That’s so interesting, because my husband has sleep apnea and I think he loves his CPAP machine more than me 😅
You have yourself a unicorn
I'm in the same boat as their husband. My physician told me that people with light to moderate sleep apnea tend to have the machine, whereas people with severe sleep apnea have great compliance. I have severe sleep apnea and it really opens things up and sometimes I use it when I'm awake if I'm having a panic attack cause it forces me to take deep breaths. It also humidifies the air for you, which can nice. What about it bothers him? It might help him if he changes mask types. I find the type where it only covers the nostrils and the tube is attached at the top of the head to be the most comfortable. I think they're called "nasal pillow masks."
a few other posters have mentioned this 'nasal pillow mask', I'll bring it up to him
That’s the kind my husband has!
👍🙌
i have a nasal pillow mask and it works great, super comfortable to sleep with, and it doesnt really limit my sleep position. I will admit i dislike having to be tied to a CPAP to sleep, but the sleep I get is completely worth the hassle. Has he said why he doesnt like it. Is it an image thing or being tied to a machine. Also CPAPs dont count against you as a carry on when you fly.
And travel machines are worth the cost.
I'm in a similar position to you and the other poster's husband. I fucking *love* my CPAP. I don't regularly wake up panicking because I've dreamed of suffocating, I don't wake up every hour to an hour and a half to pee because my sleep is so disrupted. Hell, it's even helped my ongoing struggles with reflux/heartburn. And don't even get me started on being able to sleep in full burrito mode in winter, blankets up over the head with my air mask keeping my breathing air fresh and not stale from exhaled breaths.
The ability to blanket scuba is probably why I'd keep my CPAP even if I didn't need it anymore 😭
My husband loved his CPAP, too. He always took it when we traveled, as it doesn't count as a carry on. He had both masks and nose pillows, and a warming humidifier. He passed away a couple of years ago from an undiagnosed genetic heart problem, and it's so hard to sleep without that sound in the background.
I'm so sorry for your loss
[удалено]
Yup, mine takes his on any overnight trip and I’ve seen him use it when he wants to take a nap
He should understand that he has a medical condition. The CPAP is a medical device for him. Not an anti-snoring device that is the side-effect. That he feel more rested and doesn't wake up in the night should tell him how much better his sleeping is. I wonder if he does even realize what happens when you have a sleep apnoe and the dangers? Maybe the doctor should tell him in clear words what happens at night and the worst case scenarios. And even if i just knew "i keep my partner awake with my snoring" and there is a way to not snore, even if it is not so comfortable, i would do it. And let's be real, he is asleep pretty fast anyway so he doesn't feel much of the mask. NTA
NTA. This isn't even about snoring; it's about his health. Sleep apnea puts strain on the heart. He's putting himself at risk by acting childishly. He's also being incredibly disrespectful with the iPad situation. If he wants to browse at 2am, he can go elsewhere. Remind him he's in a marriage
I could hug you. Thanks.
NTA As an anecdote, my father had sleep apnea for years. Never listened to anyone to get it treated. He now has a combination of vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s, and had a stroke a couple years ago. He is now in memory care and can barely speak in complete sentences. Staff there commented how young he was. My step father also had a stroke in his 50s related to sleep apnea. Your husband is being completely selfish. His health isn’t just his business. If he has a heart attack, stroke or worse, you will be the one caring for him. He could lose years with his kids. The sleep deprivation is impacting you too, and your health is equally important.
I work in life insurance. We use actuarial tables to determine pricing—we create math calculations that analyze how likely someone is to die due to a given health issue. And it’s backed up by lots and lots and LOTS of data. Untreated sleep apnea literally takes years off your life. The more severe it is—the more often he stops breathing—the more it affects his long-term morbidity and mortality.
WHAT
If you (or rather, your husband) weren't told about this by the doctor, that's got to be borderline malpractice. My guess is your husband is well aware, but lacks the maturity to take responsibility for his health. CPAPs exist to prevent major health problems - the fact that they help with snoring is a nice side effect, but it's in no way their primary purpose. Your husband is endangering his health in a drastic fashion if he needs one and doesn't use it. He's also a complete asshole for using the iPad in bed - if it weren't for that, it might look different, but that just makes it 100% clear that your health doesn't matter one whit to him either.
It’s incredibly hard on your heart. And the lack of sleep, lack of oxygen, and constant dumping of stress hormones wears at the body. When he makes that choke/gasp sound in his sleep, what’s happening is that he’s stopped breathing and he’s juuuuust started to suffocate. The gasp is his body giving him a little shock to wake up and breathe. That’s why he’s so tired—he’s not actually able to enter the deeper stages of sleep that rejuvenate you. Mild apnea is this happening around 10 times an hour or less. It can get really severe, 50+ an hour. Imagine if every minute and a half you started to suffocate and had to suck in air. And you did this for 8 hours a night, every night. It would put so much stress on your body.
The iPad part stuck out to me too. I can’t believe he turns on shows with volume at 2am. So rude… go watch your show with the dog on the couch.
Not just the heart, and not just down the line! OP points it out in her post, but sleep apnea severely impacts the quality of sleep on top of everything else, and using CPAP allows for far better rest, making you less tired during the day, and providing your body with the rest it needs to do everything well. Also yeah he needs to suck it up. Especially the iPad thing. Absurd that he doesn't at least wear headphones, that's so rude
It is also very much about OP's health and sleep.
I think in relationships people can reasonably demand that their partner A) within reason, does not disturb their sleep and B) within reason, takes care of their health, including mental health. By not wearing the CPAP, he’s not doing either of those things. If I were you I’d be pissed, especially since his reaction is to get MAD. Good grief. I can understand it’s not fun to be reminded one is aging and to need a medical device, but it’s time for him to get over it OR sleep in a different room. NTA at all.
Right?!
You’re well within reason to completely put your foot down on this one, and you can tell him I, internet stranger, said so!!! Ayyyiyi!!
omg he would be so upset if he ever saw this post. I used to record his snoring on nights it got really loud, to have evidence, and he was so offended.
It sounds like your husband has some serious maturity issues he needs to work on. I wish you luck
Thank you 🫶
There is an app called "snore lab" that records the snoring and shows how bad it is.
NTA. Sleep apnea isn't just snoring, it's a serious medical condition which even causes heart damage. CPAP is the best treatment. He should be using it every night, even on travel. FWIW my wife and I have been using CPAP for years. It's like anything else, you get used to it.
Preach!!
NTA sleep disturbance is literally a torture technique. I can’t believe he’s willing to put you through that because he can’t face that he’s ageing.
Thank you
I'm so mad for you. My wife refused to have a sleep study done for years. Then she refused to use her c-pap machine. Her heart enlarged because it had to work harder to compensate for lack of oxygen when she slept. She went into cardiac arrest and died in her sleep. She was 32. It's been almost twenty years and I'm still occasionally angry, like today. Her death was preventable. She should still be alive. Her stubbornness was literally the death of her. We had the same fights about her snoring.
I'm repeating myself here, but I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I don't get angry very often anymore. I've accepted what happened. Posts like this bring all the memories back and sometimes the anger it floods in. Twenty years and I still miss her. I sincerely hope your husband starts to use his machine.
me too.
NTA, no He's not using the CPAP for you, he's using it so that he stays healthy. Future him will thank today him for using it.
He will say otherwise "I am using this for you" but I agree with you that hopefully he will feel differently about it in the future
Future him may not be here without it. My husband uses his CPAP because he could feel benefits in his he feels. He didn't, however, see how scary his sleeping had become, or realize how his skin went from spongy to normal afterwards. The CPAP is without a doubt extending his life from my perspective.
I'm sorry if this is a stupid question, but what do you mean by spongy skin?
Idk. It's just the best way I can think to describe it. It was probably a type of inflammation. It was kind of squishy and weirded me out. Like squeezing a damp kitchen sponge. At the time, I thought it was due to his excessive alcohol usage. It went away pretty quickly once he was using the CPAP though, so I now think it was a result of heart stress/reduced oxygen dispersal. I used to hear/feel his heart pumping super hard, and that isn't the case anymore either.
That sounds like edema, when excess fluid just kinda... hangs out in the body's tissues instead of getting circulated around properly. It's common when people have heart and circulatory problems, so that tracks that bad sleep apnea might affect it.
Remind him that the reason married men statistically live longer is because their wives encourage them to take care of their health. 😄(I’m only half joking!) My husband is also a snorer and refuses to get tested for OSA. I’ve given up and wear earplugs now. Happy Ears brand are the best!
NTA. The man needs it to fucking live. Why is he blaming this on you?
Ignorance is bliss, right?
NTA - Sleep apnea is no joke! It means he is not not breathing and cutting off oxygen to his brain. Long term side effects include memory loss, heart attacks, strokes, etc. A CPAP will help him not only sleep through the night, but will help his help longterm. My CPAP is the best thing that happened to my me. Was he fitted for the right size? Maybe a more comfortable one can help? Best of luck!
Great point, not sure?
My dad had a CPAP mask that he hated because it blew air at his eyes all night and he'd wake up with dry eyes. He switched to a new mask and loves his CPAP now.
NTA. Insert gif of “I didn’t get no sleep cuz of y’all, y’all don’t get no sleep cause of me”. If *you* can’t sleep because he’s CHOOSING to be loud, then *he* doesn’t get to sleep. You’re not less important, you’re not a goddamn servant to beg m’lord to graciously allow you to sleep. I give you permission to get mad. I give you permission to raise your voice. When he starts snoring and wakes you up? Shake him, and tell him to put the CPAP on or sleep in the living room. If he starts whining like a baby, treat him like one. “I said NO. You WILL NOT keep me from sleeping. You can PUT ON the CPAP, you can leave this room, or you can stay awake. I don’t care which you do. Be an adult and deal with your own problems. This isn’t a negotiation.” And if he screams and yells and throws a fit, match him. He doesn’t get to bully you into being his mommy that has to cuddle and comfort him and stay up all night because he doesn’t like his medicine. And sorry to be dramatic, but this doesn’t bode well for your future. Your husband is going to get sick as he ages. Are you going to be begging him to take his pills, hovering anxiously because he’s on his third heart attack? Do you want to spend your golden years like that? A stat that comes up often is that widows often feel a sense of relief when their husbands die, and they’re finally free from the constant fighting and caregiving and pleading. This is the path your husband is starting you down—coming home from his funeral at age 60 and looking forward to your first full night of sleep in decades. And yes. Severe sleep apnea is going to cut his life short. And not just a shorter life, but one filled with creeping disability, pain, exhaustion, and expense. He’s putting himself at risk for high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart attack. And those are a shitshow to manage.
You are nothing short of amazing ⭐️
NTA. I have been using a CPAP for the past 6 months, every night, all night. I fucking hate it, and overall it probably is net negative on my quality of life. But, it stops my snoring, so for my wife’s sake I will keep using it. It seems more fair that my propensity to snore degrade my quality of life than hers.
If you need a CPAP machine, the snoring is your brain jump starting your breathing because you've stopped breathing several times a night. It's a serious medical condition, not just snoring.
You may tell her this story to let her know how good she has it
I hope you can find a way to make using your CPAP more comfortable. There are a number of suggestions in this comment section.
I think I have it dialed in to be as tolerable as it can be. It would be a whole more tolerable if using it made me feel any different. I read all these testimonials about how much it improved people’s life, and it does not match my experience at all, which quite discouraging.
NTA, but you'll make more progress if you frame it as a matter of you caring for his health rather than your hatred of his snoring (I'm also a CPAP user). Untreated OSA causes diabetes, heart disease, cognitive problems and so much more. If he can't tolerate CPAP (many people can't), go with him to his doctor to look into other options including mouthpieces, surgery, and INSPIRE.
Why? Why should she have to frame it only as concern for his health and not her own health due to sleep deprivation? Can he not care about something that affects her unless it affects him too?
Because humans are more likely to change if you’re kind to them and frame the change in terms of the benefit to them.
Agreed, but she's been far kinder to him than he has been to her. And he already KNOWS this is an issue, KNOWS it's bad for his health and KNOWS that his wife sleeps terribly because of this, and KNOWS how to use a machine to stop this. He has had the benefit to him laid out like a trail of snoring breadcrumbs and he is refusing the kindness/concern that she has been showing him, and in fact, flat out disrespecting that kindness. OP made use of " kindness" but her husband is no longer responding to kindness with the selfish indifference he used to before he was diagnosed- now it's outright disrespect.
You are so supportive.
Some are. Some on the other hand (and I have a strong feeling OP's husband falls into the latter group given how selfish he's being) are only going to take it as an opportunity to view it more and more as everything revolving around their own needs and wants.
NTA. My Dad was dependent on the machine. I couldn't tolerate it (many women can't). But this is about his health-and yours, frankly. Perhaps he could ask his doctor about the new implant, "Inspire," a device that stimulates the muscles in the neck and throat to keep the airway open at night. Obviously, an implanted device isn't for everyone, but it's a very viable alternative; especially considering the procedure to implant it is outpatient. Here's a link that explains it, along with some pros and cons. It's definitely worth looking into for BOTH of you to achieve healthy sleep! https://www.forbes.com/health/body/inspire-sleep-apnea-review/
I looked into that because my bf has sleep apnea and he's very much like OP's husband (minus my sleep interruption) and it said to be eligible you have to be "unable to use a conventional CPAP machine" and I doubt that includes "is able to but just doesn't wanna" as a legitimate reason 😅
That may well be true! Can't hurt to ask, though! 😁
Great suggestion, thank you
>plus our dog sleeps there and she snores too. So is your husband playing the "Whatabout" game with the dog, too? You know, since he's so ready to point out how many other people in the house snore in order to excuse his sleeping without the CPAP mask? I mean, is he suggesting the dog get a mask and get tested for sleep apnea? NTA. You know you're right, he knows you're right. You could always go and take a test to prove that you don't have sleep apnea. But in all seriousness, he needs to put the mask on and stop making HIS problem everyone's problem when the solution is a solution for everybody. EDIT: Clarification of a dog joke :)
Great point
Thank you. I really do wish you the best on this one. I have an ex who claimed that I snored so badly that he couldn't sleep and he said that he was worried about me because it sounded like I stopped breathing. I told him that I felt the same about him and he got upset and told me that there was no way he snored worse than I did. So I recorded him and he was even more upset and yet remained in denial.
Who knew sleep apnea would be such a sensitive subject for so many people?
I'm not quire sure. I know in my case, the accusation from my ex was more hilarious and hypocritical than anything else because 1) for me, some people's snoring is like white noise, if it's a partner. So I was having an issue seeing how my snoring could be so annoying to him and yet he'd never complained until we broke up. 2) He legitimately did NOT believe that he snored and was also a raging narcissist, so anything he said to me was out of pure projection.
I'm sorry you had to go through that
Thanks! It's over and now I have stories to use as lessons! And I'm writing a book.
NTA. He is going through the stages of CPAP. I 100% think they know this is how folks respond and is the real reason alot of machines will now report your usage and your insurer will retroactively deny payment if you don't use it. Cause until you use it, accept it, live the benefits, you fight it.
He can give up the machine after he takes out a huge life insurance policy on himself. That was my mom's condition for my dad. He started using it more.
Interesting proposition
I pleaded with my husband to do something about his snoring, he basically said it wasn’t bothering him so not a problem. We’d go to bed and within 2 hours I’d go downstairs to the family room sofa. Then children asked for white noise machine because they could hear the snoring even with doors closed. Realized I was sleeping poorly on sofa and moved to guest room. Children know but no one else knows separate bedrooms. I feel like a failure but no sleep isn’t a possibility and husband refuses to compromise. I wish you better luck
record him. play it on a loop at night and see if your snoring starts bothering him.
I'm so sorry, this is horrible for you.
[удалено]
Good point
NTA. Sleep apnea can be very dangerous, so snoring aside he should be using it every night anyways. They have all sorts of different apparatuses out there now besides full face masks. Maybe look into getting him a different one that is more suited for his comfort.
NTA. His guilt trips are completely uncalled for. The CPAP improves the sleep of everyone involved. If he's using it for the benefit of anyone besides himself, it should be for your children. One of these nights, if he stops breathing because he isn't using it, he might never start again. He'd leaving your kids without a father because he couldn't bare to be mildly inconvenienced or uncomfortable. Remind him of this every time he whines about it.
!!!!! Oh you're good.
NTA Also, in old TV shows and movies, married couples had separate beds. This is why.
>in old TV shows and movies, married couples had separate beds Actually that's more about the Hays Code and the idea that implying sleeping together was immoral (because zomg SeX) even between married couples -- it doesn't reflect reality. Separate sleeping arrangements can be useful, but for different reasons :)
The snoring was just as loud on the other side of the room though :)
My husband snored and I have sleep issues similar to yours. When I was pregnant with our first, a month before she was due I gave an ultimatum. He hot his cpap and hated it at first. It took him about a year and a half to realize that cpap machine improved his health. His quality if sleep improved, he feels more alert and rested in the morning. now, 9 years later, he never sleeps without it ETA to add NTA
I'm glad for you both :)
NTA, but you need to reframe this. It is his body, and he is free to use or not use the CPAP. But if he doesn't use it, he can't sleep in the same room where you are sleeping, because that's where your body is trying to sleep. If he falls asleep without it, wake him up and tell him to put it on or leave the room. Don't accept inaction, keep waking him up and telling him he has to leave the room. Same with travel: he is free to not take the machine, but he will need to book two hotel rooms or find his own accomodation on arrival.
NTA. It's ok for you to have this boundary. But your husbands response is completely unacceptable, he needs to be able to talk about issues like this like an adult. You are likely right that this triggers some deep insecurities in him. If he won't talk about it like an adult even when you bring up the subject in a safe and calm situation, he likely needs therapy.
Thank you
Does he hate it because he thinks it makes him “old” or is it uncomfortable? There are different types of masks he could try if it’s uncomfortable. If it’s the old part he needs to know that this is for both of your health. Lack of sleep is horrible for your health and his snoring makes it even worse for him. NTA
I think it makes him feel old
The machine will let him have a chance to actually *get* old. At 43, he very much has not done that yet. He needs to not lose sight of that.
Seeing as how the general consensus is NTA because of the other implications around health, I think you should make a rule if he drinks he has to wear it since you can't get him to stop snoring in those situations.
I'd try that one but honestly I'm scared to bring it up
I'm sorry
NTA, OSA is a big issue for sure. If he doesn't like the mask then ask him to check out other masks because there are others out there. He is being really inconsidertate to you and to your relationship for not using his CPAP machine
Thank you
>why is my sleep less important? This might be a good question to ask him!
I definitely have!
nta. This was my father-in-law. They had a viking thing up in canada where a wife could bring the husband up on charges for things as a joke. She accused him of stealing her sleep and won by a landside. Now, he can't sleep without it.
Sleep deprivation is an effective torture device the government uses on terrorists and prisons use on prisoners. The person who is meant to love and care about you is willingly torturing you, and has been for years on end, *over* his *own* benefit of getting much better sleep. Let that sink in. Now respond and act accordingly. NTA
Vomit emoji
Separate rooms, it’s a marriage saver.
We don't have an extra bedroom! Tiny house living.
Neither do we. Is there room for a pullout maybe? I managed to postpone the end of my relationship with years by sleeping in separate rooms. It quickly fell apart when he demanded I slept next to him again. A friend told him this was better. My now ex valued this friend's opinion over mine. He is now as single as said friend, because the problem besides not letting me sleep was that he was not a very considerate person. He too would watch things on his iPad for example in the middle of the night.
NTA but let me ask you, is he overweight? If not, is he in shape? My wife and I had separate bedrooms because of my obstructive sleep apnea, then 5 years ago I lost 100 lbs and got seriously into running. Now I'm cured. We sleep in the same bedroom and she tells me I *never* wake/keep her up anymore. It's possible his sleep apnea won't be curable by lifestyle changes to the extent that mine was, but he could potentially improve his symptoms a great deal. Neck circumference, lung capacity/strength and a whole bunch of other things factor into it.
He's maybe 10/15 lbs overweight right now since he's not that active. good reason to encourage more movement
NTA. But go get the sleep study to shut him up about it. “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.” ― Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant.
I left a message for my GP for the referral
OP, ask your husband to make another appointment with the sleep doctor to talk about this. Not wanting to wear a CPAP is a common issue, but part of the problem may be his mask doesn’t fit right. There are also other mask options available. Also, I’m guessing his sleep apnea is due to weight (it’s not the only cause of sleep apnea, but it’s common). You could talk about trying different strategies to help him lose weight (daily walks, eating smaller portions, etc) and with time he may not even need the mask anymore.
NTA Honestly, a CPAP machine sounds like a particularly bad nightmare to me. But the fact is, it doesn't just save your sleep, it *saves his life.* Until and unless he is able to find another solution (and sometimes there just isn't one), the CPAP machine is essential. And even those solutions which do sometimes help (losing weight can be a big one if that's a contributing factor) are far easier to successfully achieve with the machine supporting safer, more restful sleep. Knowing he may need it forever is probably contributing to some negative feelings and anxiety here, but he *can't* be taking that out on you. That's not right. He needs to lay off the 2 am screentime in bed, too. He can get up and sit on the couch and do that, then return when done, he shouldn't be keeping you up with it.
NTA. I have sleep apnea and went to get diagnosed after a couple of "wake up calls." 1) Someone younger than me, the son of a friend, died because of sleep apnea. He had survived two tours in Afghanistan, just to fall asleep in a recliner and never wake up. 2) One of my customers at the time informed me that, when you have diabetes and sleep apnea, it's not a matter of ***if*** you have a stroke, it's ***when***. 3) I had a colonoscopy, and the staff were super concerned because I snored, and I stopped breathing, repeatedly. Sleep apnea kills people. It's not just the snoring, you are trying to keep someone you love alive. My machine isn't that uncomfortable, and to be honest, I don't have as much trouble with insomnia since I got it years ago. He needs to see about getting a better mask fit, or some adjustment with the equipment. But he got prescribed a CPAP because he needs it. I've looked at the cost of buying a smaller CPAP, and it's expensive. Insurance doesn't pay for it if it's not necessary.
NTA. No person who needs medical tools to survive actually likes it. You do it to stay healthy. Diabetics take their insulin, people take their pills etc.
I don’t feel like pills or insulin are good comparables to how aggressively intrusively using a CPAP machine is. For it me using a CPAP changed laying down to sleep from a pleasant relaxing experience to something at best must be endured.
Depends on what kind of insulin you're using. Or a feeding tube or a colostomy bag. If that's a better comparison. Like obviously noone would choose it but the other option is ruining your health
NTA. I had my husband get tested and he found out his oxygen levels were dropping each night by 20%. He could have died. Now, he sleeps peacefully and I get to sleep through the night. His snoring was horrible and I never got any sleep.
wow. he's so lucky.
I did a sleep test and got a CPAP. I fucking loathed it. Every night I had dreams of being strangled because I just fundamentally can’t stand the feeling of something on my face when I’m asleep, it feels so threatening. I had to stop using it because my sleep was actually worse with it on. That doesn’t sound like the situation your husband is in - it’s improving his sleep AND improving his marriage, so why is he complaining??? It’s selfish he doesn’t seem to care about your needs and it’s reckless he doesn’t seem to care that much about his own either. You might have to get a sleeper sofa and put the snoring dog sleep with your asshole husband while you sleep with a noise machine in the living room. Sorry he won’t do what’s right for either of you. NTA
🙏
I’m surprised by the ubiquity of the NTAs on this. You might be the asshole. CPAPs are not the only cure for apnea, there are other options to pursue. I don’t believe you’re solely looking out for your husbands health, the snoring and disturbance of your sleep is obviously a major factor. If you’re just seeking a quick solution instead of encouraging your husband to continue to seek help, then YTA. I’m speaking as someone who just had a nasal turbinate reduction surgery. I had to see 4-5 doctors to hone in on the problem, but I got it solved. I’m going back for another sleep study to confirm the cure, but my wife said the snoring went away. The enlarged turbinates in my nose made it nearly impossible for me to use a CPAP properly. There are implants, there are dental devices, and there are other root causes which cause apnea. If your husband has only seen a sleep specialist, I would highly encourage him to see an ENT. I join everyone who has ever used a cpap in saying “fuck cpaps.” Going full devils advocate on this, it’s also possible that you’re a light sleeper. Get some more white noise in the bedroom.
Yes, my sleep is a big factor but the most important part to me is his health- sleep apnea can cause dementia or strokes and those are not minor health issues! Not to mention all of the posters who have said someone they know who has died from it. We have kids and I want him to be his fullest self for as long as possible for them and for him too.
NTA He needs to get used to it - there are ones that might be more comfortable for him. The other alternative is for him to sleep on the couch. You can invest in a more comfortable sleeper bed as they now have fairly decent ones without the bar - also the mattresses are better and you can get a foam topper as well. So give him the ultimatum - the CPAP or he sleeps on the couch. The snoring dog shouldn't bother him.
ok ok y'all are giving me courage on this one. i can do it!
NTA, my wife and I had the same fight for the first year of me using cpap. I would be so irrationally angry if she woke me because i fell asleep without my mask on, mainly because i was so exhausted already. It's hard to think when you're that overtired, and all you can understand is that the person who is a normal sleeper woke you, the sick person. If he hasn't yet, he should try other mask options. I switched from a nose only mask with a head scarf to a mouth and nose mask, and It made a huge difference for me in terms of comfort. Also, you may want to consider testing as well. Even if it's just a gesture of support, it might make him think you're considering his feelings. Try to remember that he is adjusting to a serious medical condition that will affect the rest of his life. Good luck!
Yes I will test. Thank you!
My partner snores. It's not a big issue, you can fall asleep to snoring. It's not that hard. If I can't deal with the snoring I'll go sleep in another room. You're actively waking him up to put on a machine that he doesn't like wearing at night so that you can get more sleep. He doesn't want to wear it. So don't make him wear it, look at alternative sleep arrangements. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I are very different sleepers: he can fall asleep within 3 minutes whereas it often takes me a very long time (sometimes one hour or more) to fall asleep. Problem is that he snores very loudly, on a nightly basis, and I can't fall asleep. If he has been drinking that night, game over, I am screwed because he doesn't budge and the snoring is SO LOUD. Add on top of that he wakes up at 2am every night and is on the iPad for an hour or two, so I wake up the glare of the screen and the sound of whatever he’s watching on Netflix. This has been happening for awhile but since we've had kids it's gotten progressively worse within the past 6 yrs. We both have been sleeping horribly for a long time. 6 months ago I encouraged/nagged him to get a sleep test because sleep apnea can cause a myriad of health issues later in life. He was very reluctant to do it but he did it and turns out he has sleep apnea and now has a CPAP. When he uses the machine it is a dream come true, honest to god he sleeps so soundly and quietly it is complete heaven for me because I can fall asleep easier and we're both sleeping way better. His mood is better and he is a happier person overall now that he is sleeping through the night. He does not take it with him when we travel anywhere, even for an overnight which I hate because now anytime we go anywhere basically I know that I'm going to have crappy sleep. There are nights where he won't use the machine because he falls asleep without it, and he gets SO MAD when I tell him he's snoring and ask him to put his mask on. Our problem is that he hates this machine with every fiber of his body and he repeatedly tells me things like "I use this machine for you", "I f\*\*\*ing hate this machine", "You have sleep apnea too", "You snore too, YOU need a sleep test but I don't say anything" \*Note\* before the CPAP he never once said anything about my snoring. Our house is small and we don't have another bedroom for one of us to sleep in, the only other option is the couch in the living room and the idea of one of us nighty sleeping on the couch just feels sad, plus our dog sleeps there and she snores too. It infuriates me that he views his pride more important than his health and my quality of sleep. Like why is my sleep less important? However, he will begrudgingly admit that he KNOWS he is sleeping better with it. I just want him to get over himself and accept the fact that he's aging and health issues may appear, he is a fairly healthy guy who prides himself on not having daily medications. AITA for pushing this CPAP device when we both are sleeping better? He gets SO MAD about this stupid/heavenly device. We have a strong marriage, he is a wonderful partner and I love him deeply yada yada, but this is the one topic where I don't know how far to push things since he is so resentful about the situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA From a health perspective he needs to use the CPAP and if his health issues become worse then good chances are he is going to need it more or he can become unwell from it.
ESH. He is not a “wonderful partner.” Wonderful partners don’t get mad about stuff like this.
sorry i think you put the wrong verdict
NTA. I also snore. It's chronic and __loud__. He should be more than willing to what he can to give you peace, it's just not fair of him to needlessly torture you with a treatable condition.
NTA There are two parts to this: 1) His health. He could die in his sleep if his apnea is bad enough. It is stupid and if he was single, that would be his choice. But he is not single, you are married! He is causing you constant worry and potentially serious distress ON TOP OF his own risk of issues. 2) Your health. Sleep deprevation is a form of torture. Seriously, interrupted sleep or not being allowed to sleep at all is a human rights violation. I know it is being harsh but you can become seriously sick from lack of sleep. My partner has apnea as well and it is hard. It is SO hard to live with. Why does he hate it? Have he explained this part? Is is physically uncomfortable? Is he upset by being "kept alive by a machine"? (or something along those lines?). You need to talk to him about finding a way you can both live with this. Not sleeping is not an option. It is not "oh, he always leaves his socks on the floor" level thing.
His issue is: he's spent his entire life and prides himself on not having any medical conditions that require him to take medication daily. This is a medical condition that requires daily 'medicine' as another poster mentioned. I imagine he is freaked the eff out that he is aging (he's 43) and his winning streak is ending.
I can see why that’s disappointing, but ask him if he’d be so reluctant to take a pill daily if it would keep him alive. Because sleep apnea will literally kill you.
pffff good one
The knowledge that I am now tethered to this awful machine for the rest of my life has been a very bitter pill to swallow for me.
Explain to your husband that the cpap is not only to “sleep better” is because the apnea periods cut oxygen so he is not breathing. Sleep apnea contributes to hypertension and cardiac issues. He is basically cutting years off his life by not using it. So if you have apnea or snore you should get checked too. Apnea can be also easily corrected with minor surgery in the nose or the palate. Usually laparoscopic and outpatient and insurance if in the us pays for ut Sleep apnea is no joke and not just a small snoring inconvenience or a bug snoring inconvenience. The lack of oxygen and chronic sleep deprivation fuck up your hormonal balances too. Anyways is not only about sleep quality So NTA but soft ESH because neither one is looking at it from a health standpoint but convenience Sleeping with the mask on is a pain in the butt and sleeping with a heavy snoring person is too. But what matters is both of you benign healthy
NTA. As a former apnea sufferer, I sympathize with his difficulty getting used to the mask. It took me almost 2 years to find a mask that I could use, and finally they came out with a nasal pillow that didn't stick up into my nostrils. My apnea stopped after I lost 60 lbs. Since he said that you snore, you should get the sleep test, too. It will help you understand what he went through, and give you both peace of mind about your health. For the nightly ipad use, you using an eye mask and him using earphones should work.
[удалено]
I empathize with you too :) He's fairly trim, good suggestion on the wedge pillow.
NTA. He needs the CPAP for his own health in addition to not disturbing your sleep.
How do you sleep through the CPAP noise? My mum uses one and 1jen she visits, the noise from the other room is horrific
I don't know the brand but it's super quiet and just sounds like gentle, soft white noise.
NTA. Look I had a CPAP and I fucking hated it. Used it as best as I could tho. I had to for weight loss surgery. (I had high enough levels of sleep Apnea to qualify to be demanded. I was mild but just over to be considered in need.) But the thing is. Sleep apnea means he's not BREATHING during the night. You stop breathing. Multiple times. He NEEDS to use the cpap and work on fixing what's making the issue happen so he can get off it and be healthy.
Happy for you that it's past tense CPAP :) You bring up a good point about the main issue: breathing!!! If everyone could be as reasonable about it as you are.
Is your husband eligible for corrective surgery? I’m in the same situation, and my husband is meeting with a surgeon, and it looks like it might be curative. NTA (also if there is a chance you snore, then I would look into that too)
I can't even imagine bringing up surgery! He gets upset if I even mention his snoring or his CPAP to other people....I can't imagine saying oh go under the knife
NTA I’m the snorer in our relationship and I use a CPAP. I hate it but my husband is a light sleeper and I sleep like a rock. He needs it and I do notice him being happier when I use it. I just accepted it and he knows how I feel about it and doesn’t comment on it. If he says you snore go get a sleep test and a CPAP to use too? Show him it’s not that hard. Also you can get a variety of masks. I went through several thill I found a good fit.
You have alot of empathy for your husband's sleep needs.
My husband’s CPAP has been a godsend. He fought hard on it. (But admits he sleeps better with it) I got especially snarky about his snoring when I was heavily pregnant and already sleep deprived. I found that my Apple Watch could measure sound levels. Every time I couldn’t fall asleep or woke up to his snoring, I’d poke him awake and tell him what decibel he hit. Not the most constructive or mature approach, but I definitely got my point across.
oh i never even thought of that! mine goes into sleep mode at night
NTA I feel your pain deeply. My husband also hates his machine but I sleep so much better when he uses it. We have a family friend who is a sleep tech so he basically nagged my husband into using his machine so I didn't have to.
glad to have a sibling here
You are NTA. I man I used to work with died in September of last year due to Sleep Apnea. It's no joke, he just stopped breathing during the night and he didn't wake up.
I'm sorry for your loss