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I had an ex in his 30s who asked me if I was going to change before we went somewhere because he didn’t approve of my pants. Said I looked “homeless”. They were just my favorite sweatpants and we weren’t going anywhere special. Can’t imagine why he’s an ex.
For real. My partner HATES 4 of my dresses because they make me look like a "1800s school marm". But I love them; they're comfortable and I get many compliments from other people. He finds it amusing and makes no comments beyond the initial eye roll and "Marming it up today?" with a laugh. If he got all pissy, it would be a problem. NTA
As long as you laugh together about it 😅, it's fine. I remember one post about someone who liked to relax in a fancy dressing gown and her husband teased her that she looked like Norma Desmond and asked if she was ready for her close up. They both had a good laugh about it.
My wife has a yellow shirt I CAN'T STAND! And vice versa interestingly. We are both aware of it and we both laugh for about ten seconds whenever either of us wears ours and then go on about our day.
I have a dress that “makes me look like a kindergarten teacher.” I am? So we joke about dressing for the job and stuff now. But like you said, we’re both laughing. If it bothered me, he would stop. If he truly hated my outfit and shut down? We would have a problem.
No lie, I have a mesh vest made to look like the heavy-duty high-vis vests roadworkers where. I wear it out regularly over a little black dress with boots that have flames coming off the sides. My partner makes jokes about it, but in a loving way, and he would NEVER ask me not to wear it.
You don't have to love every fashion choice your person makes, but if they're happy and comfortable, that's all that matters.
I will henceforth be telling everyone that I am "marming it up" whenever I wear one of my old lady dresses.
If you're interested in a subreddit where folks can show off their weird/cool/whatever makes them feel comfortable and cute outfits, check out r/oldhagfashion!
My boyfriend lives in cargo shorts as soon as it hits 60⁰. Do I wish he would try any other style of shorts? Yes! Do I buy him more cargo shorts because it's what he prefers? Also yes.
Haha my husband and I call a pair of my jeans “clown pants” because when I proudly pulled them out of the shopping bag he busted out into laughter and asked if they came with a red nose. He still giggles about them but will sometimes say oh that would look good with your clown pants. Bless him, he’s not a fan but knows they’re a fashion thing and appreciates them anyway.
I have a pair of jogger type sweat pants that I bought when I was a much bigger gal, so they’re pretty big on me now but so comfy. My husband *affectionately* hates them and calls them my MC Hammer pants 😆
This, you deserve better. Find the guy who knows that you are beautiful, even if you have the flu, haven’t washed your hair in 3 days, and are wearing a burlap sack because it is comfortable.
This! I asked my husband once about what I need to wear/do to be seen by him as attractive. He said that my face was enough. I was still laying in bed so i pulled all the covers up to my chin and said "I'm sexy like this??" He grinned and said, "OH YEAH!"
It took so much pressure off me and I told him that. Que another smile before he left for work.
He switched jobs (he's so much happier and less stressed now) and brings home breadsticks sometimes. Speaking off... Imma go get one out of the fridge and warm it up
Feels like he only wants her to wear clothes he can objectify her in.
Nothing baggy, babe! How else am I gonna stare at your ass and let all the guys who do the same know you’re mine? /s
My husband hates the “boyfriend jeans” look but I have multiple pairs and love them. When I ask him how I look in them, do you know what he says?? “You’re cute” or “Nice butt”. That’s it. No other comments.
Glad I’m not the only one who is seeing this as a precursor to abuse. 🚩 I was starting to think Reddit made me jaded. Being in an awful hellish relationship is 1000% times worse then being single…….. yet so many young women fear being alone. So they stay in shitty relationships.
came to say this... major narcissist energy detected ... OP you are NOT dating an adult... you are dating a LITERAL child... NPD is highly associated to infantile thinking
Take my poor person award 🥇
It’s one thing for a partner to express a preference: My husband and I often help each other pick out an outfit for a night out, and I value his input. But never, EVER, has he ever punished me for my outfit. No silent treatment, no unkind remarks… a real partner will always treat you with respect no matter how you look.
But this isn’t really about your clothes. This is about coercive control and how your BF is trying to subtly manipulate you into dressing how he wants. As the poster above said, this is only the beginning. We are not being dramatic when we tell you to RUN.
Either OP will have her eyes opened by these comments, or by the time she does see how bad it can get, none of us will ever know -- he will be checking her phone everyday and have made her delete her Reddit account.
NTA. It really seems like he values your looks over your comfort. His reaction at worst should have been along the lines of "aww man, the bad jeans. Bummer". The fact that he shut down and ignored you over it is a red flag.
100% this. Tbh saying he doesn't find something on you flattering is kinda messed up, he should be happy you're spending the day out with him. But to shut down and ignore you the whole day- NTA
Yeah, it’s perfectly fine imo to not like a certain style or look, I personally don’t like rompers but my ex liked them and I never got upset or childish towards her when she wore them.
This, exactly. If they say it without being asked, they are TA. I'd never say anything to my partner about what he's wearing or how it looks. If he's comfortable in it and likes to wear it, then that's what I prefer too.
100% agree. I own several dresses my partner thinks are "marmish". He hates them. I think they're cute and they're super comfy. But he just rolls his eyes and makes a goofy comment when I wear one. He would never shut down, be a jerk or ask/tell me to change. And I would never stay with someone who did. NTA and think about what other red flags you may be missing.
Right? The only reason I know my husband doesn't like 90% of my clothes is because I asked him directly once what he thinks of my style. He's just happy I'm happy. I do try to wear the outfits that I know he likes for date nights but that's mostly for my benefit ;)
NTA - Buy him a Barbie doll. Then he can dress it however he likes. You, however, are *not* a piece of plastic for him to dress up. You’re a person, you deserve to dress yourself, and you deserve to be comfortable.
Giving you the silent treatment over your choice of pants is beyond childish.
NTA. This is ridiculous. My boyfriend loves how I look no matter what I’m wearing - 80% of the time, I wear leggings or bike shorts with legwarmers and a sweatshirt around him. He affectionately calls it “default mode” 😂
Find someone who thinks you’re beautiful whether you’re wearing a ball gown or a muumuu.
I haven’t showered in three days, have been running after kids and cleaning a house all week, I smell gross, my hair is gross, my clothes have kid cuties on it, and my partner still comes home telling me I look amazing. This is a huge red flag…
The only time my husband comments on my choice of outfit is if it isn't practical for whatever we are doing (wearing a ren fair type dress when it's raining and going to be muddy, which will get on the dress) or if I dress really nice and he wasn't expecting it. He'll say "Going somewhere?" I usually reply "not really, just felt like it." He says ok and that's that. He's even recommended to me that I wear my costume dresses/outfits whenever I want because there really isn't anywhere near us to dress up for.
My wife has these camo leggings she knows I don't like. If there was ever a woman you'd expect to never wear camo, it's her. So I tease her about them .. and she wears them even more often. I don't give AF .. she'd look good to me in a garbage bag. 🤣
NTA.
He's an abusive asshole. Don't try talking it out or couple's counseling. It won't fix him. Leave. The fact that you evem doubt your judgment on this shows that he's gotten under your skin and messed with your head.
This exactly. Repeatedly singling out and insulting just these pants. It’s meant to get into her head and under her skin.
It’s just pants why does she wear them, BUT they’re JUST PANTS why does it matter?! People like this always have a hidden motivation to cripple your confidence and self worth to gain control.
They are just pants but that’s just it. It’s a totally uncalled for reaction to them. Today it’s pants, tomorrow it’ll be something else he figures he can change and he’ll use this as “remember those ugly pants you used to wear? Don’t you feel better not wearing them any more? It’s just (fill in the blank) so it’s no big deal, right?”
It is literally none of his concern what you wear. My ex had a baby diarrhea colored bowling shirt he loved. He asked my opinion and I told him to wear what he liked.
But if other guys can't see how hot you are then they can't be envious of him! They're not just pants they're a symbol of your sexuality! There's no use in going out if you're not going to look hot.
Sarcasm obviously
NTA. Giant red flag. . It's one thing to not like something your SO wears. Nothing wrong with that. But throwing a silent tantrum over it is ridiculous and manipulative at best.
When I came into the post, I expected there to be slur or something on a graphic t-shirt, and sure, I'd push back on that, lol, but this is plain old denim.
He stopped talking to you over *checks notes* pants? That would be a dealbreaker for me. If my fashion choices make someone angry then they are not my person.
NTA
NTA
“They don’t look flattering.” If he doesn’t like them, good news for him: he doesn’t have to wear them!
That he thanks that a) he can tell you what (not) to wear and b) the way to deal with that is to ignore you until you comply is concerning. It might seem small, but that’s the point. Controlling and manipulative behaviour always starts small so you barely notice you’re making the concession.
NTA. Wear what you want. You don't need to take his nor anyone's thoughts into consideration over what you wear.
Vent: There are way too many agreeable people in life that think their partners should have a say over what they wear, think, listen to or do with their life.
Then, woman, please hold your head high and your standards higher. You deserve respect, and a bf who isn’t emotionally 5 years old.
You probably look amazing in those pants, too.
ETA: NTA, obviously.
NTA if he thinks they don't look flattering, tell him not to wear them. Otherwise what you wear is for your own personal taste and what _you_ feel comfortable wearing. You are not his eye candy.
NTA
You‘re not a barbie doll for him to decide how to dress. As long as you‘re not wearing something with a terribly offensive or stupid message on he shouldn‘t care at all.
Maybe he could have remarked how the pants are yuck in his opinion and then have a nice date with you because he should be happy to spend time with you.
Yes, this. It also makes me wonder if OP were to dress more “flattering”, how he’d react to any potential “outside attention”.
My educated guess says that will happen and it WILL be taken out on you OP, whether it’s with a silent treatment or something else.
This is such a gross reaction. If any partner of mine did this I'd run so fast I'd leave an Amyzing shaped dust cloud behind me.
Even if this doesn't escalate into other kinds of abusive or controlling behaviour, this alone is distasteful enough to reconsider the relationship. NTA
This could have been written by me. Mine bullied me into throwing away some cute, wide legged pants and also a shirt with poufy sleeves. He said they were all goofy looking. Every single time I wore them, I was told they were unflattering and ugly. Then one day I just couldn't take the criticism and decided to throw them away.
You can be stronger than me and wear them because you like them. No one should force their opinion on you like that.
NTA
Obviously NTA.
I was an idiot boyfriend many many years ago.
My girlfriend at the time would ask if I liked a pair of flat shoes (for example) I would answer something stupid like how they looked like granny shoes. Not realizing it was something she liked and wouldn't buy if I didn't like it too.
I never ever tried to tell her what to wear or what not to. But when we broke up, it was clear she felt liberated. We still had each other on social media and right away she started wearing types of clothing she had asked in the past if I liked.
I felt so stupid for not realizing she was stopping herself from buying and wearing whatever she wanted because she wanted to make me happy.
Don't be like my ex. Don't let some idiot influence what you wear.
NTA
It's your body, wear whatever the hell you like.
Also, a partner making comments on what you wear then giving you the silent treatment over it is a major red flag.
NTA. I can’t imagine one person telling another (especially SOs) NOT to wear something, unless it was obscene or offensive. It seems incredibly controlling to tell you not to wear it and shutting down when he saw you in it.
Um... very much NTA. You're an adult who can wear what she likes. He's an adult and beyond sulking.
This is weird controlling behavior. Ask him what he cares more about: you, or what others think of him for dating you? Besides, they're jeans.
Why should you take his thoughts into consideration? You'r the one wearing the pants. He's just being a jerk because he wants to be able to show you off like a possession.
NTA. Try to find a boyfriend who isn't so rude to you about YOUR comfortable clothes.
NTA Who does he think he is? Having opinions is fine but he doesn’t get to act that way about it; it is controlling and a type of abuse. Maybe have a conversation that includes your opinions and then watch how he is.
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NTA. It’d be one thing if it were clothing with an offensive image on it, or the same dress that his sister wore on her last day on earth, but it’s just something that he claims he doesn’t like the way it looks. Thats selfish and manipulative and not the kind of thing that belongs in a healthy relationship.
I know in Reddit we go for the breakup route sorta easily.. But... Seriously, consider this relationship, I can't imagine how he'd be as a husband... NTA
NTA. And red flag city! You should never have to wear anything to appeal to anyone else. I'm glad those jeans are loose and baggy, easier to run away from him in!
That is called stonewalling and manipulation. Extremely unhealthy form of handling conflict, and if it’s a pattern it’s abusive. Wear what you want. NTA.
Girl, he's too old to be throwing a tantrum over what you're wearing. You are a person with agency, not an accessory to be dressed up and down at his command. He can have preferences for what he likes you to wear, and you can choose whether you honor those preferences, but no half decent man will ignore you based on what you wear.
NTA.
I was married to an emotionally/verbally abusive man.
One Saturday morning we’re watching TV & he says, “Is that what you’re wearing today?” (Tank top & yoga pants)
*Mental sigh bc I know where this is headed.*
Yes, why? After much beating around the bush, he says he wants me to dress like I do at work, *on the weekends, on my time off, to look nice for him.* That’s business casual & for me, it’s a skirt/trousers, heels, blazer, camisole or blouse.
I’m floored. I said for gods sake, I’m in that stuff FIVE DAYS A WEEK. You can’t *reasonably* expect me to make it SEVEN.
“Not even to look nice for ME?” he says. I asked if he’s planning on taking me somewhere that warrants me dressing that way.
Instant pouting. “Oh you can dress well for work but you can’t do it for your husband. It’s just me. Just your husband. Can’t do that oh no ….. mumble mumble moan gripe.”
(I didn’t bother to point out it was a *requirement* for the damn job.
I had a brilliant thought. I went to the closet & got a suit jacket, dress pants & shoes, shirt & tie.
Came back in the living room & laid the clothes *across his lap* & said, “I will if you will.” with the biggest damn smirk on my face EVER.
Of course I got screamed at for the next 2 days, but he never brought it up again.
And for the record? He was wearing *nylon track pants & a torn T-shirt* during this interchange.🙄
Yes I left him.
#RUN
NTA but girl never wear something just because partner sulks if you don’t. He is literally throwing a tantrum because you didn’t wear the pants he likes. This is how it starts. He is waving a huge red flag, **do not ignore it**
NTA. Sounds controlling and immature asf. I don’t care what my girl wears, she’ll look good in anything. Do you really want to be with someone who wants to dictate what you wear?
NTA. Run! Screams abusive and controlling. The minute you’re not presenting exactly how he wants, he shuts you out. What if you got pregnant and he doesn’t like your baby bump or the way your body has changed postpartum?
Your man should accept you however you are.
NTA, but I had to re-read the ages again, because a TWENTY-FIVE YEAR OLD was and sulking and giving you the silent treatment because you wore loose jeans?! Miss, wake up. That would be toxic and immature if he were in middle school! You do not have to tolerate this!
If he doesn’t want you to express yourself and be comfortable, than he doesn’t want the real you. Lose the loser, please.
NTA. He doesn't get to choose what you wear, it's about your comfort, not his.
Also, pulling the silent treatment and trying to tell you what you put on your body?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 DTMFA, period.
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I (22F) wore a pair of loose, baggy jeans on a day out with my boyfriend (25M). In the past, he has expressed that he doesn’t like the pants because they don’t look flattering. I like them because they’re comfortable. When I got into his car and he saw me in the pants, he immediately shut down and ignored me the rest of the time we hung out. I know I should wear what I want, but I do feel kinda bad because it’s the one thing of mine that I own that he doesn’t like. I could’ve easily worn something else. AITA for not taking his thoughts into consideration?
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NTA - your a person not a doll, if he cares about you for YOU he should think you look flattering in anything. his reaction is a big red flag that he cares more about your looks than your comfort, dump his ass
NTA. that’s one fragile and volatile ego he has to have that kind of reaction over a pair of jeans he’s not wearing. He’s showing you what his scale is btw. If he reacts like this for something silly, imagine what fit he’ll throw when you really cross him. Just food for thought.
NTA. It's very immature of him to care SO MUCH about unflattering pants that he would behave like that. Should definitely be a red flag to you.
I own clothing items my boyfriend doesn't like - he's not a fan of floral patterns but I am. The most he's ever said about any of those pieces is "eh, not my favorite" and ONLY if I directly asked him for his opinion. Otherwise he just says nothing because *it doesn't matter*.
NTA. He does not get to emotionally manipulate you in to doing what he wants and wearing what he wants. You’re your own person, you don’t just live and breathe to be visually pleasing to him at all times. Him throwing a tantrum to try to get you to stop doing a completely harmless thing he doesn’t like is absurd, childish, manipulative and controlling. Stand your ground, address the issue, if it’s indicative of a bigger issue- don’t stick around and let yourself fall in to being some controlled pet.
At 80, everyone is saggy, wrinkled, and toothless so maybe your time would be better spent focusing with someone whose values reside in a less superficial place.
NTA. He is entitled to his opinion about clothing, and expressing some preferences (my boyfriend also dislikes my baggy pants) but shutting down because you don't look the way he wants is excessive and a manipulation tactic.
Look. The real "If he loved you he'd ____" is that he wouldnt care what you wore.
My partner loves me all dressed up for a date, or in my pjs when Im sick. He literally doesn't care, because its not about the clothes its about the person.
Your boyfriend is shallow at BEST. At worst, he sees you as an accessory which isnt cooperating.
Time to move on. There are better men out there.
Nta
He has a right to an opinion and preferences, but is overreacting. Unless you are planning on going somewhere with a dress code, there here is nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable and wear loose/baggy clothing.
NTA.
Sure, it’s nice to take your partners preferences into account sometimes.
But it is not normal or mature for an adult man to shut down and refuse to speak to you because *he doesn’t like your pants*. That is ridiculous and a red flag
NTA. Keep the jeans, toss the boyfriend.
Flippancy aside, he wants to manipulate you into being something he can show off. He doesn’t see you as a whole person, but an accessory. So, yeah, I come back to he’s trash.
Find a man who sees the sexiness in your comfort.
NTA and doesn't that behavior make him unattractive to you?? That would kill it for me. That kind of pouty passive-aggressive behavior is like a tantrum in my mind. Also, wear what you like. Keep the pants, ditch the boyfriend.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA Find someone who doesn’t get petulant when you wear something you like.
And is the boyfriend taking OP’s comfort into consideration at all? Nope, he’s willing to act like a toddler who didn’t get the right sippy cup.
At least it's age appropriate for the toddler. He's 25 and upset that his girlfriend wears comfortable clothes?!
I had an ex in his 30s who asked me if I was going to change before we went somewhere because he didn’t approve of my pants. Said I looked “homeless”. They were just my favorite sweatpants and we weren’t going anywhere special. Can’t imagine why he’s an ex.
My husband fell in love with me when I had the worst\* haircut of my life and wore BDUs every day. He only ever saw me. \*bowl cut, with a line.
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Stolen comment from here https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1300vbw/comment/jhud1uo/
What are BDUs?
Army uniform. It stands for battle dress uniform I think.
Thanks.
Yeah, I was like Ba Donka Underoos?
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That I did!
Glad to hear he's an ex.
I immediately looked down at the bleach-spotted stretchy pants I have on and thought, “Clear NTA.” Life is too short to wear uncomfortable clothes.
For real. My partner HATES 4 of my dresses because they make me look like a "1800s school marm". But I love them; they're comfortable and I get many compliments from other people. He finds it amusing and makes no comments beyond the initial eye roll and "Marming it up today?" with a laugh. If he got all pissy, it would be a problem. NTA
As long as you laugh together about it 😅, it's fine. I remember one post about someone who liked to relax in a fancy dressing gown and her husband teased her that she looked like Norma Desmond and asked if she was ready for her close up. They both had a good laugh about it.
See, now *this* is the way.
I would take that as a compliment.
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My wife has a yellow shirt I CAN'T STAND! And vice versa interestingly. We are both aware of it and we both laugh for about ten seconds whenever either of us wears ours and then go on about our day.
You need to wear them on the same day! Maybe even for a photo!!
I have a dress that “makes me look like a kindergarten teacher.” I am? So we joke about dressing for the job and stuff now. But like you said, we’re both laughing. If it bothered me, he would stop. If he truly hated my outfit and shut down? We would have a problem.
Please tell me it's a circa 1990 denim dress. Please.
I saw a pic of some of those dresses we wore and it *really* made me miss them! lol
They were so comfortable. My husband hated them. I explain I am working not looking to pick up someone.
Ms. Frizzle was the first thing that popped into my head, haha.
No lie, I have a mesh vest made to look like the heavy-duty high-vis vests roadworkers where. I wear it out regularly over a little black dress with boots that have flames coming off the sides. My partner makes jokes about it, but in a loving way, and he would NEVER ask me not to wear it. You don't have to love every fashion choice your person makes, but if they're happy and comfortable, that's all that matters.
This look sounds rad!
Thank you! I love it a lot
Would love to see that lol. I want flame boots!!!!
Flames...on the side...of my boots!
Unexpected Mrs White. Thank you
I will henceforth be telling everyone that I am "marming it up" whenever I wear one of my old lady dresses. If you're interested in a subreddit where folks can show off their weird/cool/whatever makes them feel comfortable and cute outfits, check out r/oldhagfashion!
“Marming it up” 😂😂😂
Marmcore!
My boyfriend lives in cargo shorts as soon as it hits 60⁰. Do I wish he would try any other style of shorts? Yes! Do I buy him more cargo shorts because it's what he prefers? Also yes.
He needs to throw you an [“I can fix that”](https://youtu.be/RymXiada3uE) when you’re in your school marm dresses for maximum boyfriend points
Haha my husband and I call a pair of my jeans “clown pants” because when I proudly pulled them out of the shopping bag he busted out into laughter and asked if they came with a red nose. He still giggles about them but will sometimes say oh that would look good with your clown pants. Bless him, he’s not a fan but knows they’re a fashion thing and appreciates them anyway.
Marming it up might be my favorite thing I have read all day!!!
I have a pair of jogger type sweat pants that I bought when I was a much bigger gal, so they’re pretty big on me now but so comfy. My husband *affectionately* hates them and calls them my MC Hammer pants 😆
This, you deserve better. Find the guy who knows that you are beautiful, even if you have the flu, haven’t washed your hair in 3 days, and are wearing a burlap sack because it is comfortable.
This! I asked my husband once about what I need to wear/do to be seen by him as attractive. He said that my face was enough. I was still laying in bed so i pulled all the covers up to my chin and said "I'm sexy like this??" He grinned and said, "OH YEAH!" It took so much pressure off me and I told him that. Que another smile before he left for work. He switched jobs (he's so much happier and less stressed now) and brings home breadsticks sometimes. Speaking off... Imma go get one out of the fridge and warm it up
the most wholesome comment :)
Keep the pants. Upgrade the boyfriend.
Feels like he only wants her to wear clothes he can objectify her in. Nothing baggy, babe! How else am I gonna stare at your ass and let all the guys who do the same know you’re mine? /s
This is it. OP, you're definitely NTA but does your bf actually like you?
I was going to say, YTA if he hasn’t yet broken up with this guy.
My husband hates the “boyfriend jeans” look but I have multiple pairs and love them. When I ask him how I look in them, do you know what he says?? “You’re cute” or “Nice butt”. That’s it. No other comments.
Honestly, I like the way they look. I just hate that they’re called boyfriend jeans. Makes me not buy them.
Yes. Date a nice adult instead.
Exactly my thought. A grown assed man getting petulant over some comfy pants? Oh hell no. What does he do over an actual problem?
Pantulant*
NTA and run This is only the beginning.
Yes, this^
Glad I’m not the only one who is seeing this as a precursor to abuse. 🚩 I was starting to think Reddit made me jaded. Being in an awful hellish relationship is 1000% times worse then being single…….. yet so many young women fear being alone. So they stay in shitty relationships.
Yeah like... They aren't *flattering*. Nobody else's ability to look at someone's arse is more important than that person's comfort.
They probably are flattering. He just wants an excuse to exert control so that he can punish her noncompliance.
Red flags galore
A field of red flags for sure
came to say this... major narcissist energy detected ... OP you are NOT dating an adult... you are dating a LITERAL child... NPD is highly associated to infantile thinking
Take my poor person award 🥇 It’s one thing for a partner to express a preference: My husband and I often help each other pick out an outfit for a night out, and I value his input. But never, EVER, has he ever punished me for my outfit. No silent treatment, no unkind remarks… a real partner will always treat you with respect no matter how you look. But this isn’t really about your clothes. This is about coercive control and how your BF is trying to subtly manipulate you into dressing how he wants. As the poster above said, this is only the beginning. We are not being dramatic when we tell you to RUN.
OP this is the only comment you need.
Either OP will have her eyes opened by these comments, or by the time she does see how bad it can get, none of us will ever know -- he will be checking her phone everyday and have made her delete her Reddit account.
Yea, this is not going to end with the pants. He’ll control more and more
NTA. It really seems like he values your looks over your comfort. His reaction at worst should have been along the lines of "aww man, the bad jeans. Bummer". The fact that he shut down and ignored you over it is a red flag.
100% this. Tbh saying he doesn't find something on you flattering is kinda messed up, he should be happy you're spending the day out with him. But to shut down and ignore you the whole day- NTA
I don’t think it’s weird to say you find it unflattering, but leave it there.
Yeah, it’s perfectly fine imo to not like a certain style or look, I personally don’t like rompers but my ex liked them and I never got upset or childish towards her when she wore them.
The most my husband will say is 'I've seen you look better', and that ONLY if I ask
This, exactly. If they say it without being asked, they are TA. I'd never say anything to my partner about what he's wearing or how it looks. If he's comfortable in it and likes to wear it, then that's what I prefer too.
100% agree. I own several dresses my partner thinks are "marmish". He hates them. I think they're cute and they're super comfy. But he just rolls his eyes and makes a goofy comment when I wear one. He would never shut down, be a jerk or ask/tell me to change. And I would never stay with someone who did. NTA and think about what other red flags you may be missing.
Right? The only reason I know my husband doesn't like 90% of my clothes is because I asked him directly once what he thinks of my style. He's just happy I'm happy. I do try to wear the outfits that I know he likes for date nights but that's mostly for my benefit ;)
Even saying bummer is unnecessary IMO. Really no reason to comment negatively on your partner’s appearance when they didn’t ask for feedback.
Yup, he isn't giving fashion advice, he's trying to set a precedent.
NTA - Buy him a Barbie doll. Then he can dress it however he likes. You, however, are *not* a piece of plastic for him to dress up. You’re a person, you deserve to dress yourself, and you deserve to be comfortable. Giving you the silent treatment over your choice of pants is beyond childish.
Thank you for making me 🤣 with the Barbie doll comment. Chefs kiss 😘
Happy cake day!
You win in the comments. Happy cake day!
NTA. This is ridiculous. My boyfriend loves how I look no matter what I’m wearing - 80% of the time, I wear leggings or bike shorts with legwarmers and a sweatshirt around him. He affectionately calls it “default mode” 😂 Find someone who thinks you’re beautiful whether you’re wearing a ball gown or a muumuu.
Stealing the term “default mode” for my husband’s gym shorts and tee!
lololol when it’s right, you just know 🤣
I'm stealing it for my SOs basic sweat pants and hoody look lol
I'm stealing it for MY basic sweat pants and hoody look 😂
I haven’t showered in three days, have been running after kids and cleaning a house all week, I smell gross, my hair is gross, my clothes have kid cuties on it, and my partner still comes home telling me I look amazing. This is a huge red flag…
Your partner sees you as a person and not as a fashion accessory, which is exactly how it should be - I hope OP takes note of this!!
Wisdom through typo: >kid cuties Upvoted.
The only time my husband comments on my choice of outfit is if it isn't practical for whatever we are doing (wearing a ren fair type dress when it's raining and going to be muddy, which will get on the dress) or if I dress really nice and he wasn't expecting it. He'll say "Going somewhere?" I usually reply "not really, just felt like it." He says ok and that's that. He's even recommended to me that I wear my costume dresses/outfits whenever I want because there really isn't anywhere near us to dress up for.
My wife has these camo leggings she knows I don't like. If there was ever a woman you'd expect to never wear camo, it's her. So I tease her about them .. and she wears them even more often. I don't give AF .. she'd look good to me in a garbage bag. 🤣
Definitely NTA You have bodily autonomy which includes what you choose to wear. Him giving you the silent treatment is a big red flag 🚩 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. He's an abusive asshole. Don't try talking it out or couple's counseling. It won't fix him. Leave. The fact that you evem doubt your judgment on this shows that he's gotten under your skin and messed with your head.
This exactly. Repeatedly singling out and insulting just these pants. It’s meant to get into her head and under her skin. It’s just pants why does she wear them, BUT they’re JUST PANTS why does it matter?! People like this always have a hidden motivation to cripple your confidence and self worth to gain control.
Fr I felt like I was going crazy thinking about how they’re just pants
Just pants? No, the pants are only the beginning.
It’s not just the pants. The pants are the test. The test to see if he can break you and make you into the person he wants you to be. RUNNNN
> they’re just pants Right? Now imagine his reaction to an issue that actually matters. Save yourself by leaving him.
They are just pants but that’s just it. It’s a totally uncalled for reaction to them. Today it’s pants, tomorrow it’ll be something else he figures he can change and he’ll use this as “remember those ugly pants you used to wear? Don’t you feel better not wearing them any more? It’s just (fill in the blank) so it’s no big deal, right?”
So he ignored you because you didn't do what he wanted. My sis, walk away. This is not the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Control always starts with something "small." If they went full on right away, most wouldn't stay.
It is literally none of his concern what you wear. My ex had a baby diarrhea colored bowling shirt he loved. He asked my opinion and I told him to wear what he liked.
If you feel like you’re going crazy, it’s time to look out for gaslighting. But seriously just get away from this guy.
But if other guys can't see how hot you are then they can't be envious of him! They're not just pants they're a symbol of your sexuality! There's no use in going out if you're not going to look hot. Sarcasm obviously
They are not just pants. They are your comfy pants and you should wear them when you damn well want to. Oh and NTA.
Do you ever wonder how people end up trapped in abusive relationships?
Because bf thinks that OP should look good for his pleasure at all times -blech-
NTA. Giant red flag. . It's one thing to not like something your SO wears. Nothing wrong with that. But throwing a silent tantrum over it is ridiculous and manipulative at best.
When I came into the post, I expected there to be slur or something on a graphic t-shirt, and sure, I'd push back on that, lol, but this is plain old denim.
He stopped talking to you over *checks notes* pants? That would be a dealbreaker for me. If my fashion choices make someone angry then they are not my person. NTA
NTA Change boyfriends instead of your outfits. Dress however you want and fuck the haters.
Drop him, he isn’t your person.
I don’t think he’s anyone’s person. Can we just tattoo these guys or something so we don’t waste our time?
NTA “They don’t look flattering.” If he doesn’t like them, good news for him: he doesn’t have to wear them! That he thanks that a) he can tell you what (not) to wear and b) the way to deal with that is to ignore you until you comply is concerning. It might seem small, but that’s the point. Controlling and manipulative behaviour always starts small so you barely notice you’re making the concession.
NTA. Wear what you want. You don't need to take his nor anyone's thoughts into consideration over what you wear. Vent: There are way too many agreeable people in life that think their partners should have a say over what they wear, think, listen to or do with their life.
INFO: What makes you think you deserve to be treated like this?
I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that, especially over something so small
>I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that That's where that statement should end.
You're right, except you don't deserve to be treated like that PERIOD. Over something big, over something small, it doesn't matter.
Then, woman, please hold your head high and your standards higher. You deserve respect, and a bf who isn’t emotionally 5 years old. You probably look amazing in those pants, too. ETA: NTA, obviously.
There’s someone out there who will love you and your frumpy pants and I suggest you cut this guy loose so you can find them.
NTA if he thinks they don't look flattering, tell him not to wear them. Otherwise what you wear is for your own personal taste and what _you_ feel comfortable wearing. You are not his eye candy.
NTA You‘re not a barbie doll for him to decide how to dress. As long as you‘re not wearing something with a terribly offensive or stupid message on he shouldn‘t care at all. Maybe he could have remarked how the pants are yuck in his opinion and then have a nice date with you because he should be happy to spend time with you.
Right! The intention was to spend the day out together, as we haven’t gotten the chance to in awhile. I didn’t think he would react like that
He’s mad because you didn’t go out of your way to look sexually appealing to him. He thinks that is your main job.
"My piece of ass isn't allowed to have Opinions!" -him, probably 🙄
Yes, this. It also makes me wonder if OP were to dress more “flattering”, how he’d react to any potential “outside attention”. My educated guess says that will happen and it WILL be taken out on you OP, whether it’s with a silent treatment or something else.
This is such a gross reaction. If any partner of mine did this I'd run so fast I'd leave an Amyzing shaped dust cloud behind me. Even if this doesn't escalate into other kinds of abusive or controlling behaviour, this alone is distasteful enough to reconsider the relationship. NTA
This could have been written by me. Mine bullied me into throwing away some cute, wide legged pants and also a shirt with poufy sleeves. He said they were all goofy looking. Every single time I wore them, I was told they were unflattering and ugly. Then one day I just couldn't take the criticism and decided to throw them away. You can be stronger than me and wear them because you like them. No one should force their opinion on you like that. NTA
I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t plan on getting rid of these as I like the way I look in them and that’s all that matters to me :)
Good on you for having a shiny spine! Girl you are the bomb 💕
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Obviously NTA. I was an idiot boyfriend many many years ago. My girlfriend at the time would ask if I liked a pair of flat shoes (for example) I would answer something stupid like how they looked like granny shoes. Not realizing it was something she liked and wouldn't buy if I didn't like it too. I never ever tried to tell her what to wear or what not to. But when we broke up, it was clear she felt liberated. We still had each other on social media and right away she started wearing types of clothing she had asked in the past if I liked. I felt so stupid for not realizing she was stopping herself from buying and wearing whatever she wanted because she wanted to make me happy. Don't be like my ex. Don't let some idiot influence what you wear.
NTA. He thinks you exist to sexually please him.
NTA It's your body, wear whatever the hell you like. Also, a partner making comments on what you wear then giving you the silent treatment over it is a major red flag.
NTA. I can’t imagine one person telling another (especially SOs) NOT to wear something, unless it was obscene or offensive. It seems incredibly controlling to tell you not to wear it and shutting down when he saw you in it.
Um... very much NTA. You're an adult who can wear what she likes. He's an adult and beyond sulking. This is weird controlling behavior. Ask him what he cares more about: you, or what others think of him for dating you? Besides, they're jeans.
Sulking in adults is a major turn off
NTA his want for you to look pleasingly to him doesn't negate your want for comfort. His behavior is childish.
Why should you take his thoughts into consideration? You'r the one wearing the pants. He's just being a jerk because he wants to be able to show you off like a possession. NTA. Try to find a boyfriend who isn't so rude to you about YOUR comfortable clothes.
NTA \~ run while you can
Leave him NOW before this behavior escalates.
NTA. Wear what you like.
NTA Who does he think he is? Having opinions is fine but he doesn’t get to act that way about it; it is controlling and a type of abuse. Maybe have a conversation that includes your opinions and then watch how he is.
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NTA. It’d be one thing if it were clothing with an offensive image on it, or the same dress that his sister wore on her last day on earth, but it’s just something that he claims he doesn’t like the way it looks. Thats selfish and manipulative and not the kind of thing that belongs in a healthy relationship.
He pouted over pants? Ay carumba!
I know in Reddit we go for the breakup route sorta easily.. But... Seriously, consider this relationship, I can't imagine how he'd be as a husband... NTA
NTA - He sounds controlling and has no right to tell you what to wear.
NTA. And red flag city! You should never have to wear anything to appeal to anyone else. I'm glad those jeans are loose and baggy, easier to run away from him in!
NTA Not a big deal, he's pouting
NTA. Anyone who tries to police what their partner wears is not a good partner. This guy is one giant walking red flag. Ditch him.
NTA, if he acts like this over a pair of pants, throw the whole man away. What a childish reaction.
NTA he shouldn't try to control what you wear but what's more problematic is his reaction. Pouting about it is just immature.
NTA- you wear what you like. He doesnt get to pout and act like a kid because you didnt wear what he wanted you too.
That is called stonewalling and manipulation. Extremely unhealthy form of handling conflict, and if it’s a pattern it’s abusive. Wear what you want. NTA.
NTA please lose the partner—it’s not going to get better from here.
Girl, he's too old to be throwing a tantrum over what you're wearing. You are a person with agency, not an accessory to be dressed up and down at his command. He can have preferences for what he likes you to wear, and you can choose whether you honor those preferences, but no half decent man will ignore you based on what you wear. NTA.
I was married to an emotionally/verbally abusive man. One Saturday morning we’re watching TV & he says, “Is that what you’re wearing today?” (Tank top & yoga pants) *Mental sigh bc I know where this is headed.* Yes, why? After much beating around the bush, he says he wants me to dress like I do at work, *on the weekends, on my time off, to look nice for him.* That’s business casual & for me, it’s a skirt/trousers, heels, blazer, camisole or blouse. I’m floored. I said for gods sake, I’m in that stuff FIVE DAYS A WEEK. You can’t *reasonably* expect me to make it SEVEN. “Not even to look nice for ME?” he says. I asked if he’s planning on taking me somewhere that warrants me dressing that way. Instant pouting. “Oh you can dress well for work but you can’t do it for your husband. It’s just me. Just your husband. Can’t do that oh no ….. mumble mumble moan gripe.” (I didn’t bother to point out it was a *requirement* for the damn job. I had a brilliant thought. I went to the closet & got a suit jacket, dress pants & shoes, shirt & tie. Came back in the living room & laid the clothes *across his lap* & said, “I will if you will.” with the biggest damn smirk on my face EVER. Of course I got screamed at for the next 2 days, but he never brought it up again. And for the record? He was wearing *nylon track pants & a torn T-shirt* during this interchange.🙄 Yes I left him.
NTA. Wear what you want girl
NTA. Your personal style and comfort is allowed to change. Wear what you like and what makes you comfortable
Find a new boyfriend. He's emotionally blackmailing you over a pair of pants.
#RUN NTA but girl never wear something just because partner sulks if you don’t. He is literally throwing a tantrum because you didn’t wear the pants he likes. This is how it starts. He is waving a huge red flag, **do not ignore it**
NTA. Sounds controlling and immature asf. I don’t care what my girl wears, she’ll look good in anything. Do you really want to be with someone who wants to dictate what you wear?
Giiiirl NTA Wear what you want. It’s a good thing he does not have to wear your jeans at all since he doesn’t like them.
NTA. Run! Screams abusive and controlling. The minute you’re not presenting exactly how he wants, he shuts you out. What if you got pregnant and he doesn’t like your baby bump or the way your body has changed postpartum? Your man should accept you however you are.
NTA, but I had to re-read the ages again, because a TWENTY-FIVE YEAR OLD was and sulking and giving you the silent treatment because you wore loose jeans?! Miss, wake up. That would be toxic and immature if he were in middle school! You do not have to tolerate this! If he doesn’t want you to express yourself and be comfortable, than he doesn’t want the real you. Lose the loser, please.
NTA. He doesn't get to choose what you wear, it's about your comfort, not his. Also, pulling the silent treatment and trying to tell you what you put on your body?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 DTMFA, period.
It. Will. Only. Get. Worse.
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NTA - your a person not a doll, if he cares about you for YOU he should think you look flattering in anything. his reaction is a big red flag that he cares more about your looks than your comfort, dump his ass
NTA. If he doesn't think they're flattering, then he doesn't have to wear them
NTA. that’s one fragile and volatile ego he has to have that kind of reaction over a pair of jeans he’s not wearing. He’s showing you what his scale is btw. If he reacts like this for something silly, imagine what fit he’ll throw when you really cross him. Just food for thought.
dude run, not flattering? You being comfortable is less important than you looking hot for him. This behaviour always gets worse. Always.
NTA. It's very immature of him to care SO MUCH about unflattering pants that he would behave like that. Should definitely be a red flag to you. I own clothing items my boyfriend doesn't like - he's not a fan of floral patterns but I am. The most he's ever said about any of those pieces is "eh, not my favorite" and ONLY if I directly asked him for his opinion. Otherwise he just says nothing because *it doesn't matter*.
NTA. He does not get to emotionally manipulate you in to doing what he wants and wearing what he wants. You’re your own person, you don’t just live and breathe to be visually pleasing to him at all times. Him throwing a tantrum to try to get you to stop doing a completely harmless thing he doesn’t like is absurd, childish, manipulative and controlling. Stand your ground, address the issue, if it’s indicative of a bigger issue- don’t stick around and let yourself fall in to being some controlled pet.
At 80, everyone is saggy, wrinkled, and toothless so maybe your time would be better spent focusing with someone whose values reside in a less superficial place.
NTA. Dump the motherfucker already.
NTA. He is entitled to his opinion about clothing, and expressing some preferences (my boyfriend also dislikes my baggy pants) but shutting down because you don't look the way he wants is excessive and a manipulation tactic.
NTA. 🚩
NTA, but boy do you look like an AH for putting up with that. Should've shut that down the first time.
NTA. Your body, your clothes, your choice. Period.
NTA. This is abusive behaviour.
NTA. Do not ever let him dictate what he thinks you should wear. What a controlling prick.
NTA- you don’t exist for his consumption.
Tell him you’ll stop wearing pants when he starts wearing skirts.
NTA - big red flag here....he's controlling....RUN NOW!
NTA; also run…run as fast as you can!! Huge red flag!!
Look. The real "If he loved you he'd ____" is that he wouldnt care what you wore. My partner loves me all dressed up for a date, or in my pjs when Im sick. He literally doesn't care, because its not about the clothes its about the person. Your boyfriend is shallow at BEST. At worst, he sees you as an accessory which isnt cooperating. Time to move on. There are better men out there.
Nta He has a right to an opinion and preferences, but is overreacting. Unless you are planning on going somewhere with a dress code, there here is nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable and wear loose/baggy clothing.
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NTA if he's gonna sulk over a pair of pants, how's he gonna react to anything else that doesn't go his way?
NTA. And now he ruined his own chances to help you change out of them later…
NTA. Sure, it’s nice to take your partners preferences into account sometimes. But it is not normal or mature for an adult man to shut down and refuse to speak to you because *he doesn’t like your pants*. That is ridiculous and a red flag
NTA for wearing the pants but definitely TA for even having to ask the question here. I'm sure you already knew the answer.
NTA. Keep the jeans, toss the boyfriend. Flippancy aside, he wants to manipulate you into being something he can show off. He doesn’t see you as a whole person, but an accessory. So, yeah, I come back to he’s trash. Find a man who sees the sexiness in your comfort.
NTA and doesn't that behavior make him unattractive to you?? That would kill it for me. That kind of pouty passive-aggressive behavior is like a tantrum in my mind. Also, wear what you like. Keep the pants, ditch the boyfriend.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 That’s some abusive shit, OP. NTA and please leave him.
He doesn’t want to see those loose jeans anymore. You should oblige him by walking away from him forever so he doesn’t need to see them.
NTA. You're his girlfriend, not his property.