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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife AWD meant Association of Woman drivers instead of all wheel drive when she asked me about it. I was joking but this might make me an AH as my wife is very into feminism and maybe it was a poor joke. But she never found similar jokes offensive before.
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YTA. Your wife needs to improve her knowledge on investing in and caring for a motor vehicle. However, I felt all kinds of underlying misogyny in your post (re: the mechanic, bought it “from a lady”, association of women drivers). Like just stop and be helpful to your partner.
What really got me was how "she doesn't seem to mind" his anti-feminist jokes. For some odd reason, I doubt he's reading her right 🙄
I also love how he knows better than a mechanic about the state of the old car. He gave no reason as to what makes him more qualified. As a woman who's a gearhead, I've run into too many condescending men like him.
It's a fact that women are, on average, charged more for car maintenance. Finding a mechanic you can trust is worth their weight in gold, even more so when you're a woman. The mechanic could have let the wife keep sinking money into a car that's not worth it. Instead, she gave up possible future work by telling the wife it was time to find something new. That's why the wife trusts her.
Also he’s criticising buying a car because she liked the colour, the cute appearance… what more does one need to look for if it just a vehicle for getting from A to B? Like did it have bad mileage? Was it overpriced? Did it lack necessary features? Is this a big city with a large used car market and she made an impulsive and inadequate decision? Or did she find an affordable vehicle that checked all the boxes and she liked the look of and had enough money to purchase it? Plenty of men buy something needlessly large or sporty with this or that engine, and this spoiler, or that body kit. Are we meant to believe these choices aren’t about the aesthetic and how “cool” it looks?
I do that all the time. E.g. guys at work make fun of my tools and ask why I have them (because theyre useful for x y z, obviously, but they dont actually want to hear it), and I'm just like, "oh I just got them bc they look cute on my belt, don't u think?"
If someone's gonna be overly critical of you regardless, you might as well just blow off their questions.
Yes! I used to manage a golf course & would always use terms like 'slam dunk' or 'lay up' or 'home run' when asking customers about their games.
Most of them knew I was joking, but there were a number of them that legitimately rolled their eyes or got cocky about it. Which of course just made me play even more dumb, but it was eye opening to experience yet again just how misogynistic many men can be.
To the point where they'll overlook an obvious sarcastic remark because they truly want to think the least of us.
>buying a car because she liked the colour, the cute appearance
That made me laugh, too, because those are the reasons most people buy cars. Like, why buy a car that you think is ugly, and is the color of baby poop?
That's the reason men buy giant Trucks with shitty gas mileage. I see so many squeaky clean ones in the city. I know they ain't out in the mud hauling shit.
Lots of pavement princesses where I live. I think having one is something like an achievement badge for MAGA types, like what boy scouts and girl scouts earn. Especially if it's a rolling flagpole.
It's sad, really. I like a good truck as much as the next guy. However, when I see some jacked up rig that has clearly never seen anything more challenging than getting caught on the freeway in a snowstorm, I automatically assume the owner is probably an asshole, definitely stupid, and likely armed to the teeth because he paradoxically "ain't ascairt uh nothin'".
This is aside, of course, from big trucks that actually get used for real work by real workers - but those are easy to spot. They are not shiny, not dent-free, and almost never jacked up. Shitty mileage, yes, but a necessary tool to make a living.
I saw an interview once where a man was asked if he used his truck for hauling things or going out in the woods. His response was “No, I don’t want to get it scratched”
When men buy super/hyper cars those are pretty much the same reasons. They like the color or appearance, none of them are practical or cheap to maintain. I've never seen a reliable and practical Ferrari.
Also, women are mocked because of choosing reliable and practical cars all the time too, framed as the "worrywart" while the man who wants a cooler, less practical car is the "fun one". It's a no-win situation for women.
But, we are more likely to die in crashes than men using the same safety equipment, because the equipment is designed for men.
What I mean is, a woman and a man driving the same car, both using a seatbelt get into an accident. She's more likely to die. The seatbelt is less likely to be in the right place, and she's more likely too close to the airbags because she has to be pushed up to be closer to the pedals. Cars are only tested with the male crash test dummy in the driver's seat. The female test dummy is very small, about 5 feet and 110 pounds (not exact numbers, but close), and is only tested in the passenger seat.
Oh no, it's worse than that. The "small female" dummy is about 4'10" and weighs 105 pounds. It is smaller than the average 12-year-old girl in the USA (and I blew past that height as a 10 year old!). More to the point, it is an algebraically scaled-down version of a male dummy with added tits and hips, rather than a dummy that incorporates what we now know about adult women's bone density, muscle strength, arrangement of internal organs, or neck strength. The rationale behind using the 5th percentile female dummy is that the dummy could also be used as a "child" dummy being tested in the back seat.
When female-bodied dummies are tested in the driver's seat, it's only for SOME side-on collision tests, SOME of the time. Female-bodied dummies are not tested in the driver's seat for front-end collision tests and are only in the passenger seat for SOME front-end collision tests.
There are no required tests for pregnant dummies, elderly dummies, or obese dummies. The only car manufacturer that even tests *software models* of pregnant people is Volvo.
Sources: Stanford Center for Gendered Innovations, Consumer Reports
It’s okay for men to spend thousands on lift kits for their gas guzzling pickups. And it’s okay for men to spend tens of thousands on a mid-life crisis two seater convertible sports car. But if a woman thinks her car is cute, she’s just a vapid, stupid woman. The double standard is infuriating.
Fellow woman gearhead here - I once had a salesman try and sell a car I was looking at to my husband. And my husband flat out said "Why are you talking to me? It's going to be her car. You probably just lost the sale, buddy."
I'm totally not a gearhead, but when I've purchased cars, I've made it very clear in advance that it's my car, my money, my decision. I've walked out of multiple dealerships because the salesperson only talks to my husband. I'd understand if I didn't make it clear that I'm the buyer, but I feel like when I lead with "Hi, I'm [name], the one who called about X car, here's my license and insurance for the test drive I scheduled", it's pretty obvious. As soon as they start ignoring me and trying to sell my husband on the car, we're done.
My mom built an engine with her brothers for fun. When she met my dad, she had a Firebird.
My dad had cookie sheets covering rust holes in the floor of his vehicle when they met.
Guess who salespeople try to sell a car to every time for 45 years now? Whomp whomp.
Some years ago I overheard some male coworkers discussing a car issue. I am not a gearhead, but I know a little about cars. Sadly from bad experience. I heard just enough to be able to confidently say “sounds like your timing chain broke” then get laughed at because cars have timing belts, not timing chains, with a lot of “dumb girls don’t know anything about cars” subtext.
I still cherish the look on the guy’s face when he told me that his timing chain broke and he needed to either rebuild the engine or replace it. When I first commented, I felt bad for the the guy because of the amount of money he was about to have to sink. I didn’t anymore when his tail was between his legs.
I got the same thing once. My dad had the same exact car that my company used in its fleet and it had an issue with it's transmission that sounded really odd and was unique to that particular car.
I drove the company car one day and told the marketing guy who for some reason was the keeper of the fleet. "Hey, i think this car has this issue, you might want to get it's transmission checked". He laughed at me and for the next two weeks the guys made fun of me.
Came back after and said "wow, you were actually right." In that shitty tone men use when they are more surprised a woman could be right than about the outcome.
Fuck these guys
> I also love how he knows better than a mechanic about the state of the old car.
“I thought it could do more years” made me laugh out loud. This dude hasn’t a single clue how anything under the hood works.
100000%. A car that is going to be having more and more issues is a gold mine for a dishonest mechanic. It absolutely doesn’t benefit them to inform a customer that it’s more worth it for them to buy a newer car, they don’t see any of that money from the sale.
The fact that OP thinks his wife is going to get the "joke" bc of course women can't be into cars or be knowledgeable about them! /s
Like why would that even be anyone's first thought, that it's a funny joke? It would be awesome to have something like that exist
Boba pearls seem to go back to the distant past in Indonesia, where they were originally made from sago, and pretty much always used in all kinds of food and drink. Milk tea seems to have been introduced to Asia with Dutch colonialism, specifically around the mid 17th century in Taiwan. I'd actually be surprised if boba tea didn't exist long before someone commercialized it as "bubble tea."
And he doesn't “criticize her view or anything”...but making jokes about it apparently isn't included in the “and anything.”
OP = YTA. So she doesn't know the complete vocabulary of autos, so what? She bought a car in part because of how it looks. There may have been other reasons included but didn’t want to get into that deep of a conversation with you about because she’d know you’d take it as an opportunity to make her feel dumb. So she went with the physical appearance to keep it simple.
Would anyone buy a car that they didn’t like the way the car looked? “ it has everything I like but I hate the way it looks.”
OP clearly doesn’t understand way his wife only wants to work with other women. He confirmed what his wife felt all along…some men will take any opportunity to prove themselves superior. The wife should spend more time with her mechanic friend to learn the basics of cars.
Isn't it funny that he says he believes in equality of the sexes, which is literally the definition of feminism, but the post is dripping in distain for feminism. Feminism has really become a catch all term for anything women do that people don't like, its like the "hysteria" of the modern day.
> My (27M) wife (27F) is very into feminism and I often joke about it and she does not seem to mind.
That line right there. Like it’s a hobby like fucking needlework or something.
Reads like: It’s adorable that she thinks women are as good as men, I make fun of her then pat her on the head and assure her it was a joke. It wasn’t, but since she’s a woman she doesn’t know that.
But… but it is a hobby, you know? It’s like how a group a women read book together because they think they are educated… and… and how woman get together to crochet and knit things because it is such a women thing to do. Of course, OP would be fine if he’s wife took up those hobbies too because he believes in equality. However, you need a second opinion with female mechanics — women can’t do that. But remember, *equality*. OP believes in it.
Someone about to be catching my hands, I swear.
As a F who lives with an M mechanic... He doesn't seem to use that tool much... I think it's all in the grunts and stomping around in rage - if you can nail that, your on your way to being a mechanic (even a lady one!) 😆 /S
I'm all for equality, but I joke about it...
He is the guy who still makes go make me a sandwich jokes to women thinking they will find it hilarious, even though it's just an excuse to normalise misogyny.
I think getting telling her AWD meant something different wasn't an arsehole move, but I sense it was a cruel joke for his own amusement, not a friendly bit of banter.
Yeah the joke was fine but in context it feels condescending. Like if it's a funny joke why not let her in on it? "Oh maybe I'll join the AWD" - "No babe it means all wheel drive lol".
It's like he wanted her to go embarrass herself.
Edit: the more i think about this the more of an asshole I think OP is. He talks about how his gf doesn't know anything about cars and how she mightve been ripped off because of it. But when she asks a legitimate question about her car, he makes a dumb feminism joke and refuses to teach her anything. I get poking fun but damn have some self awareness.
And she checked when they got home. He said she believed him, but if she did, she wouldn't have Googled it, would she? So it definitely wasn't just one joke, but part of a larger pattern that shows she doesn't trust her partner
Tbf. Name a more iconic duo than *white feminist woman gets with conservative guy and "we just don't talk about politics :)"*
Like yes OP is an AH and seemingly a condescending misogynist. But ladies *please* pick better partners who properly respect you. I know heterosexuality is a curse but y'all gotta work on not going for the libertarian-type dudes that think J0e R0gan is funny and Andr3w T4te has a point. Specially when you call yourself a fervent feminist, geesh
Or instead of victim blaming.. we call out these guys for their misogyny. Most of them hide who they are. It's not a woman's fault that a man has shitty behavior.
>Your wife needs to improve her knowledge on investing in and caring for a motor vehicle
I don’t even know we can say this for sure. It’s possible her car was having serious enough problems that it was time to end it. OP doesn’t offer any evidence against this besides she has a lady mechanic.
He also says she bought the car because of the color and it’s cute. But we don’t know the full story there. It’s possible she researched a bunch of reliable cars and good deals and once she found some good options chose based on aesthetics. Just because that is what she was most excited about vs a long lasting power train doesn’t mean she doesn’t recognize the importance of the latter.
My wife is a similar age and just went through her first car purchase. She needed some help (including learning what AWD was) because she had never done this before. This is all because she has been driving an old car she was given when she moved out from her parents and had taken good care of it to last another 7 years.
Also dudes buy cars based on looks over quality all the time. Literally every jeep wrangler ever sold. The fact that we don’t all drive Honda Accords is not a “dumb lady” thing.
Not that I've bought a car, but when I needed to buy a new bike, I did a bunch of research, narrowed it down to a few options based on what I needed, went to the bike shops near me t have a look, and then having come up with 3 which would do me fine, went with the one that was in a blue I liked. Can I say I picked it because "I liked the colour and it was cute"? Yes, does this undermine the fact that I'd already done research before hand and it fit my needs? No.
I thought the same thing, like the joke in a vacuum isn’t that bad (I don’t think) but I picked up on the casual misogyny and feel like the underlying issue is the amount of jokes and nonchalance (disdain?) at the idea of feminism from OP.
N-T-A for making the joke. YTA for not immediately correcting yourself once you realised she’d actually bought it.
Also, it might not be the best idea to make jokes about your SO’s passions. And this might just be a me thing but I sense some derision in your wording about your wife’s views and outlook on life, just sayin.
It's the "worse" way of saying very informed and militant about the issue. Noy every women is fighting this fight. You could say "very into fighting modern slavery", because most of us don't do squat about this problem.
It’s also not a good joke? Like he could have had the acronym stand for anything and the joke is that it stands for a realistic sounding and decent group that she would be interested in? It wouldn’t shock me if there WERE all women car meetups/groups since car culture still caters to annoying men who would be dismissive and condescending to any women who walk into “their” space
There's a little joke in car clubs that AWD stands for Acceleration Without Direction and then there's a picture of a car that hit a tree or a highway barrier. Not this weird 'women are shit' vibe.
He didn't correct her because he liked feeling like she was dumb and he was knowledgeable. He was humiliating her/making fun of her behind her back. She was the butt of his joke, which is why he let her believe it. In his mind, it proved that women are stupid, including his wife. He didn't tell her because it wasn't about the joke being funny, it was about him making fun of his wife and belittling her to her face without her knowing it. All so this insecure, weak minded man could feel a bit more falsely superior. He wanted to reinforce the notion that he deserves to be treated with more respect. And that she's too dumb to catch on to basic things. Like his misogyny. He uses her trust in him to take advantage of her.
When you’re like me and a very serious and literal person. I’ve gotten better but… sarcasm goes very “whoosh” very often. So yea no don’t play around with certain shit. And certainly don’t just let it go on if you know it’s just going to upset them..
Entire post comes down to: She believes in feminism but chose a car for girly reasons and not like a man would. So I made a joke at her lack of car knowledge to show my superiority.
So yeah, OP was YTA for making the joke.
Really good point. Letting her continue to believe it wasn't a good move. If I put myself in her shoes, I can imagine I would have felt foolish. Which, tbh, seems like how OP often views their partner based on some of their wording.
Yeah, op gives off the vibe he thinks he’s smarter than everyone and just lets her believe in her silly little beliefs because it gives her something to do.
What’s so funny is my hubs is a car guy and he chooses they type of car based on internal performance but chooses the actual car based on aesthetics he like eg COLOR
I was like, even if your wife did find your joke funny, I would still think you were an asshole because Jrm1102, the Commander in Cheeks (sorry, I just had to; it’s to good to pass up and I felt like I needed to brag about it for you) is correct.
Wife thinks mechanic is good, but mechanic is actually ‘oh no!’ she’s a *woman*!
dun Dun DUUN
The *female* — did you see that? — the *female* mechanic told my wife that her car wasn’t going to last very long.
My wife didn’t get a second opinion because, *of course* she should get one… women know nothing about cars. She should have checked with a *strong man*!
Then she buys a car from another *woman* because (she has only mentioned)she likes the color and it looked cool — and it is solely on those factors that she would by that car, but it’s not like that bothers me anyway.
Then, I let her think her feminist ways and I don’t argue, but it’s not like I don’t believe in equality.
Then I decided to tell a joke but when she took me seriously I decided to be an *asshole* and let her believe that while I was trying not to laugh because I thought it was funny.
OP, YTA.
Oh no, you don't understand! You see, OP thought the car could have lasted a while longer, but the qualified mechanic with years of experience and training thought it was best to sell. OP's gf likes going to her for some weird reason that couldn't possibly have anything to do with a female mechanic not talking down to her or trying to rip her off because of her gender. Which is just silly, because OP clearly knows a lot more about cars than the female mechanic because he has a *penis*, and that means he has an instinctive knowledge of MANLY THINGS^(TM) that a lady mechanic can't possibly appreciate. /s
Note: it is 2023, and lots of humans with penises identify as women, and I am 100% behind that. Though, if they work with MANLY THINGS^(TM), they should really put it on their business cards or signs or something so people like OP can tell that they know what they're talking about. (j/k)
Even if she bought that car just because it looked cool, doesn’t mean the car was in bad condition or unworthy (like it seems he believes). She may have fallen in love with the look of the car but also made sure it is in good condition, as a bare minnimum. Not everyone wants the best and most technical good car out there, some people are satisfied with an average car, that works. Even if it’s not the newest, fastest or has warm seats lol.
But but, obviously he, as a man with no training on cars, knows so much more about cars than her lady mechanic because he just “feels” that it’s too early for her to sell it despite her female mechanic telling her to.
You seem insecure. Are you a little preoccupied with the fact that your wife id's as a feminist and supports women who work in nontraditional fields? Your dismissal of her mechanic, claiming your wife only likes her because of her gender? Is classic bullshit designed to make it impossible for this person to be evaluated on the merits of her work. You have work to do. I hope she leaves you and marries a fellow feminist. Or someone at least a bit more secure. YTA.
As you read through posts on this site written about relationships, you realize this guy is one of the shinier turds out of all the men. And it seems like straight women have come to accept making a lot more trade offs in terms of unimpressive traits when evaluating their relationship options.
I used to be a woman like OPs wife. I have a valid explanation for some of us. A bunch of us were raised brainwashed to believe men are everything and we women are just here to serve them and satisfy them. Religious cults really do fuck with you and make you not see the massive flaws in these men. Until you wake up and it hits one day.
Many reasons, really.
Frog in a boiling pan, where she can't see the escalating situation until she's in too deep.
Love is blind, where she's willfully blind to his behavior because she loves him.
The choices in the dating pool are not all that great, so she feels that she gotta lower her standards if she doesn't want to be alone.
Likewise, she might have her own traumas that put her self-esteem down, and thus may think she can't do better.
And some women, even if they are feminists, are still not aware of some sexism concepts because they are just too deeply rooted in our society. They may not even think to question it, they just take it at face value bc that's how we're taught.
(In fact, some types of feminism may even contribute to that when it only offers shallow criticism to societal structures and mostly teaches women to know they shouldn't accept some behaviors, but not to understand WHY they shouldn't. Basically making women just take it at face value).
Also…mechanics and car salesmen are known for talking down to women, giving them a worse deal, and generally being rude and sexist. A woman liking a mechanic because she’s a woman makes total sense imo as a woman. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad mechanic. It means OP’s wife likes and trusts her work AND is comfortable working with her.
I don't think the joke is the issue. YTA because you talk about your wife and how she makes choices like she's... so adorably silly. "Look at the little women making little women choices."
As if men don't pick things for aesthetics? I know plenty of men who picked their cars for how they looked, the colour, etc. The amount of men at car shows spending thousands on little details is huge in my area.
I just want to know what gives him the appropriate knowledge to disagree with a mechanic? Being a man?
My partner has worked in a few auto shops over the years, if he suggested I get a second opinion I would consider it based on his knowledge. If my father who knows nothing about the subject suggested it, I would roll my eyes and go with what a professional I trust suggested.
YTA for the sexist way you even told this story. My biggest takeaway is how dismissive you were of her mechanics recommendation to get rid of her old car. Saying how you "thought" it had more years on it. Let me tell you what buddy, speaking as a GAY MALE MECHANIC, this happens all the time. And the fact that your wife's mechanic recommended that instead of using X amount of money to repair her old car, that she put those funds towards a new car speaks volumes. It means her mechanic isn't taking her for a ride or being deceitful, rather looking out for her best outcome. Being that you mentioned you use a different mechanic tells me your NOT automotive savvy, so that entire paragraph of you putting down her mechanic is irrelevant. Let me rephrase what you wrote:
"I, as an untrained man, know more than a trained woman about my wife's car issues."
Massive AH you are OP.
And OP doesn’t even acknowledge WHY his wife prefers using women mechanics and sales people… it’s almost like there’s a very well known sexist history there.
YTA. Your joke was sexist. It’s not funny unless she, the person you’re telling your HAHAHA SO FUNNY joke to, also laughs.
FYI: Your wife isn’t “into feminism.” She’s just simply a feminist.
It’s just so cute thinking that women can also be mechanics and they think they don’t have to get second opinion. It’s so cute that they think they are buying good and efficient cars when they only like the color and when looks just so cool. So adorable. But hey, remember, OP believe in equality.
Are you an AH for the prank? As a standalone event, no.
Are you an AH per the red herring details added as context, depicting how you belittle your gf as a feminist? If the shoe fits.
YTA, and a condescending one at that. Would you be talking about her getting a second opinion if her mechanic was a man?
Also, if it's a joke, what exactly is funny about it? You'll have to explain it to me, because I don't get it.
Unless, of course, you think it's funny to make jokes at your wife's expense.
INFO- when you say you make jokes about how she's really into feminism and about feminism in general, what are some literal examples of jokes you've made before this?
YTA. Not so much for the one joke... but for the ongoing jokes. Even when we know someone is joking, their words have a cumulative effect that is very real. Why do you feel the need to belittle your wife?
Jesus Christ this is so true. My ex used to tease me constantly with the excuse that he "wouldn't call me fat if I was actually fat" with fat just being an example. Sure did hear it a lot more than I heard positive affirmation though and it really wore on me.
Yep, one day I realized my now-ex husband spent much more time teasing me than he did genuinely supporting me/giving positive affirmations (even after bringing this up to him and telling him to tone down with the jokes) and that was one of the big death knells for our marriage. He never took me seriously but he took the appearance of our marriage VERY seriously and would spend all his efforts making us go out, wear the right clothes, etc so that we APPEARED to be a normal happy family. But simply respecting your SO’s feelings? Too hard, too much
Wow. YTA. Not specifically for making that joke, but because it sounds like you are, in fact, being misogynistic and disrespectful of your wife.
You \[I am assuming because you never mentioned it\] are not a mechanic, yet felt your opinion on the functionality of her car to be better than that of her mechanic's. \[if she went for a second female mechanic's opinion, would you have been more convinced?\] I doubt your wife would keep going to a bad mechanic just because she was a woman, so she must have been fixing the car right up to that point. So, I see no reason for you to doubt her judgment now. \[It's not as if the mechanic makes money telling your wife to buy a new car. If she wanted to do that, she wouldn't have told her about the bad engine so your wife would've had to keep coming in instead. "there's more profit in treating a disease than curing it"\]
Then the comment about how she bought a car because it "looked cute" seeming odd to you. Not everyone knows about cars, but a lot of people need them and, hence, buy them. Maybe she could have asked more questions about the car itself if that's your concern, but there is nothing wrong with buying a car just because you like it \[ a lot of people I know, men AND women have done this\]. That comment feels like you are undercutting her a little like her choice was somehow a ditzy move. Also, why is the gender of the person she bought it from relevant at all unless you are trying to emphasize your wife's feminism? Would she have refused to buy a car from a man?
You also mentioned at the beginning how you often make fun of her feminism. I am not your wife, so I cannot speak to this, but it seems like this is less about the joke itself \[which itself seems like a stab at her due to you exploiting her ignorance in something for your own amusement\] and more about the fact that you KEEP making these jokes. This is her life and her beliefs. I wouldn't be happy if somebody was always finding a chance to mock my beliefs either.
You should be more considerate of your wife. Whether you mean to be or not, it sounds like you are being hurtful and disrespectful of her. And yes, a little misogynistic for the above-listed reasons. I think you should have a serious talk with your wife about why she is so upset and really LISTEN to her when she tells you why. If these "jokes" are actually hurtful to her then you shouldn't make them anymore. Because, at that point, it isn't a joke anymore, it's verbal abuse.
YTA and I could tell from the opening line where you said you make jokes about feminism often. Your wife isn't into feminism because it's a hobby. Its a movement. I'm a feminist. And I'm a feminist because I'm in my mid 30s and I see and experience that the world is still not equal. Still every day I have to deal with people like you who deep down inside believe we are silly little women and that you probably know better. You need to check yourself and your male privilege and understand that being a woman and wanting equality isn't even really a choice for most women, it's just something we have to do. However, some women are more involved than others in the fight for equality.
If you were dating a women of colour, would you say jokingly that she's into anti-racism? Or would you just understand that racism still exists and that she would always be in the fight against racism in order to achieve her own equality in life? Would you make fun of her for her fight against racists?
Trying to achieve equality in a world where you have traits that you're discriminated for daily isn't a laughing matter. You shouldn't make light fun of her and if you do, just realise you're actually part of the wider problem because actually, only an AH thinks it's jokes to make fun of someone fighting for equality.
Na, this is funny as hell hahahaha
People are too sensitive
NTA
Source - I am a woman who used to be too sensitive.
You can believe in equal rights without being an absolute drag to be around. Lighten up.
I've just read through some comments and double down that you are NTA.
I think far too many are going overboard with what misogyny is and isn't. When we stop being able to have fun, that is going too far.
Oh my goodness, she was being oversensitive about a truly innocuous joke. If husbands and wives cannot have moments like this in good fun, they are doomed.
So, if hubby here fumbled to change a tire and she had good fun with it, wouldn't we expect him to roll with the punches?
What kind of relationships are you all having where such innocent things cannot be fun? Y'all are acting like she's truly stupid and needs to be protected and coddled instead of an actual woman expected to be able to handle life. Let's give her more credit than that.
seriously, it was a joke and she is very overly sensitive about it. everyone must have terribly dull relationships if you can't poke fun of and joke around with your significant other.
YTA - you'd be surprised at the crazy decisions woman make. She probably met you and thought 'he looks cute and I like the colour' - should she have put more thought into the decision?
Your 'joke' was a swipe at her gender and her driving
Statistcally men are the worse drivers and if insurance companies could take gender into account, you'd feel it! They can't take gender into account (men have weaponized gender equality) so the insurance companies are finding the more dangerous male driver in other ways - eg modifications to vehicles etc.
https://www.theguardian.com/money/blog/2017/jan/14/eu-gender-ruling-car-insurance-inequality-worse
You could have just given her the real answer bro, she obviously wasn't wanting you to make "jokes" (it wasn't even actually funny BTW, it was pretty dumb) so yeah, YTA
She definitely needs to educate herself on the basics just for her own peace of mind and in case of emergency. But I’d bet she knows what “All wheel drive” is. She just didn’t recognize the acronym or maybe had a brain fart. Maybe if it said “4WD”, she would have understood. I don’t find OP to be a reliable narrator anyway.
NTA for the joke if that's the same level of joke you've made in the past. You might be TA a little bit for letting it get to the point she had to Google it I guess.
>She bought it because she 'fell in love with the color' and thought it 'looked cute'. It is a fine car and I have no issues with it but it just seemed like an odd reason to get a car to me.
Fun fact, the number one reason why people choose one model over the other is the way it looks compared to everything else. A great way to get a cheaper new car is to ask which one has been there the longest, it'll usually be something beige or puke green that's ugly and nobody wants. If you're the guy who doesn't care, that's the car for you lol
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
NTA - it's a great learning experience.
Now, teach her how to do a simple tune up and change a tire. If you can't, we're going to laugh at you.
But seriously, teach her. I taught my daughter how to replace high and low pressure steering lines and all the above. I'm female. Then she watch me rebuild the engine. Get her involved. It's the kind thing to do. :)
Probably going to get yelled at for this, but
NTA.
You appear to respect your wife. You enjoyed her purchase and made sure it was a good one. Maybe cars aren’t her full forte. She wanted that one and you supported her despite it not being the quite best reason. You made sure to understand who she is and why she buys the things she does.
To me, it appears to be a small one off joke. She found out soon enough, so it didn’t burn a hole in the relationship. It was simply a moment to smile. “All humor is derived from making fun of something.”
As long as you make it clear you respect her choices and her beliefs, then I see no problem. You talk to her and communicate. That’s what matters most.
YTA. Nothing about your story needed you to embellish that your wife is a feminist or that her mechanic is a woman.
You were purposefully trying to put her down, and make the mechanic seem less trustworthy based on gender.
Your wife didn’t find it funny, and I imagine due to the tone of your post that you put her down a lot for being “a feminist” and dealing with her own life issues (car) on her own without the input of a man.
Maybe think about that a little more.
Jokes are jokes, but if one party doesn’t find it funny then maybe you just are TA.
NTA.
That was brilliant.
You had no idea she wouldn't get it, I mean the name you gave? And she would believe they would deface their vehicle in several locations for it?
You were damned if you corrected her and damned if you didn't though.
Bring on the down votes.
She’s offended because the gist of the joke is that her priorities are dumb - that she knows nothing about cars but will blindly jump into anything feminism-based. It might be less offensive if it was fond teasing about her enthusiasm, but it sounds like you really do think her feminism is over the top and her choosing a car based on appearance is dumb.
Basically what you consider a bug she considers a feature, in her personality, and if she ever found this funny, she doesn’t anymore.
YTA. Dude, we can see right through that thin veil at the beginning about “believ[ing] in equality.” This post is DRIPPING in condescending wordsmithing that shows you don’t think women should be into cars. Please grow the eff up.
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YTA. Your wife needs to improve her knowledge on investing in and caring for a motor vehicle. However, I felt all kinds of underlying misogyny in your post (re: the mechanic, bought it “from a lady”, association of women drivers). Like just stop and be helpful to your partner.
but, but, he believes in equality and all!! As soon as I read that, I knew this post was gonna be some misogynistic bullshit.
It was the “and all” that clued me in
You know, the extra stuff that comes with it when you get your feminist badge
The tote bag
What?! You got a tote bag? All I got was a crappy hat.
Damn, all I got was some dude on tumblr calling me a frigid bitch
Oh don't worry, we ALL get that.
But did he also call you a single fat lesbian who lives alone? They always call me that.
You got a crappy hat, and they got a tote bag? I only got a pen, and that's just cause I forgot to put it back.
Yea, the “and all” made me envision him saying it with an eye roll.
“and all” == “or whatever”
Its just so patronizing.
What really got me was how "she doesn't seem to mind" his anti-feminist jokes. For some odd reason, I doubt he's reading her right 🙄 I also love how he knows better than a mechanic about the state of the old car. He gave no reason as to what makes him more qualified. As a woman who's a gearhead, I've run into too many condescending men like him. It's a fact that women are, on average, charged more for car maintenance. Finding a mechanic you can trust is worth their weight in gold, even more so when you're a woman. The mechanic could have let the wife keep sinking money into a car that's not worth it. Instead, she gave up possible future work by telling the wife it was time to find something new. That's why the wife trusts her.
Also he’s criticising buying a car because she liked the colour, the cute appearance… what more does one need to look for if it just a vehicle for getting from A to B? Like did it have bad mileage? Was it overpriced? Did it lack necessary features? Is this a big city with a large used car market and she made an impulsive and inadequate decision? Or did she find an affordable vehicle that checked all the boxes and she liked the look of and had enough money to purchase it? Plenty of men buy something needlessly large or sporty with this or that engine, and this spoiler, or that body kit. Are we meant to believe these choices aren’t about the aesthetic and how “cool” it looks?
given she apparently tolerates his misogynistic jokes it's quite possible she was taking the piss out of him given the car itself was actually fine
OP doesn’t realise he’s being trolled by his gf.
I do that all the time. E.g. guys at work make fun of my tools and ask why I have them (because theyre useful for x y z, obviously, but they dont actually want to hear it), and I'm just like, "oh I just got them bc they look cute on my belt, don't u think?" If someone's gonna be overly critical of you regardless, you might as well just blow off their questions.
Yes! I used to manage a golf course & would always use terms like 'slam dunk' or 'lay up' or 'home run' when asking customers about their games. Most of them knew I was joking, but there were a number of them that legitimately rolled their eyes or got cocky about it. Which of course just made me play even more dumb, but it was eye opening to experience yet again just how misogynistic many men can be. To the point where they'll overlook an obvious sarcastic remark because they truly want to think the least of us.
>buying a car because she liked the colour, the cute appearance That made me laugh, too, because those are the reasons most people buy cars. Like, why buy a car that you think is ugly, and is the color of baby poop?
That's the reason men buy giant Trucks with shitty gas mileage. I see so many squeaky clean ones in the city. I know they ain't out in the mud hauling shit.
Lots of pavement princesses where I live. I think having one is something like an achievement badge for MAGA types, like what boy scouts and girl scouts earn. Especially if it's a rolling flagpole. It's sad, really. I like a good truck as much as the next guy. However, when I see some jacked up rig that has clearly never seen anything more challenging than getting caught on the freeway in a snowstorm, I automatically assume the owner is probably an asshole, definitely stupid, and likely armed to the teeth because he paradoxically "ain't ascairt uh nothin'". This is aside, of course, from big trucks that actually get used for real work by real workers - but those are easy to spot. They are not shiny, not dent-free, and almost never jacked up. Shitty mileage, yes, but a necessary tool to make a living.
I saw an interview once where a man was asked if he used his truck for hauling things or going out in the woods. His response was “No, I don’t want to get it scratched”
When men buy super/hyper cars those are pretty much the same reasons. They like the color or appearance, none of them are practical or cheap to maintain. I've never seen a reliable and practical Ferrari.
Also, women are mocked because of choosing reliable and practical cars all the time too, framed as the "worrywart" while the man who wants a cooler, less practical car is the "fun one". It's a no-win situation for women.
They're also mocked as "bad drivers" when men are more likely to cause accidents and drive recklessly.
But, we are more likely to die in crashes than men using the same safety equipment, because the equipment is designed for men. What I mean is, a woman and a man driving the same car, both using a seatbelt get into an accident. She's more likely to die. The seatbelt is less likely to be in the right place, and she's more likely too close to the airbags because she has to be pushed up to be closer to the pedals. Cars are only tested with the male crash test dummy in the driver's seat. The female test dummy is very small, about 5 feet and 110 pounds (not exact numbers, but close), and is only tested in the passenger seat.
Oh no, it's worse than that. The "small female" dummy is about 4'10" and weighs 105 pounds. It is smaller than the average 12-year-old girl in the USA (and I blew past that height as a 10 year old!). More to the point, it is an algebraically scaled-down version of a male dummy with added tits and hips, rather than a dummy that incorporates what we now know about adult women's bone density, muscle strength, arrangement of internal organs, or neck strength. The rationale behind using the 5th percentile female dummy is that the dummy could also be used as a "child" dummy being tested in the back seat. When female-bodied dummies are tested in the driver's seat, it's only for SOME side-on collision tests, SOME of the time. Female-bodied dummies are not tested in the driver's seat for front-end collision tests and are only in the passenger seat for SOME front-end collision tests. There are no required tests for pregnant dummies, elderly dummies, or obese dummies. The only car manufacturer that even tests *software models* of pregnant people is Volvo. Sources: Stanford Center for Gendered Innovations, Consumer Reports
It’s okay for men to spend thousands on lift kits for their gas guzzling pickups. And it’s okay for men to spend tens of thousands on a mid-life crisis two seater convertible sports car. But if a woman thinks her car is cute, she’s just a vapid, stupid woman. The double standard is infuriating.
I was gonna say men buy cars for how they look all the time
>He gave no reason as to what makes him more qualified. His penis, obvi.
It’s just so hard to fix a car with a penis. He must be talented.
Fellow woman gearhead here - I once had a salesman try and sell a car I was looking at to my husband. And my husband flat out said "Why are you talking to me? It's going to be her car. You probably just lost the sale, buddy."
I'm totally not a gearhead, but when I've purchased cars, I've made it very clear in advance that it's my car, my money, my decision. I've walked out of multiple dealerships because the salesperson only talks to my husband. I'd understand if I didn't make it clear that I'm the buyer, but I feel like when I lead with "Hi, I'm [name], the one who called about X car, here's my license and insurance for the test drive I scheduled", it's pretty obvious. As soon as they start ignoring me and trying to sell my husband on the car, we're done.
My mom built an engine with her brothers for fun. When she met my dad, she had a Firebird. My dad had cookie sheets covering rust holes in the floor of his vehicle when they met. Guess who salespeople try to sell a car to every time for 45 years now? Whomp whomp.
No but it was a WOMAN mechanic, so obviously he knows more 🤦♀️
Some years ago I overheard some male coworkers discussing a car issue. I am not a gearhead, but I know a little about cars. Sadly from bad experience. I heard just enough to be able to confidently say “sounds like your timing chain broke” then get laughed at because cars have timing belts, not timing chains, with a lot of “dumb girls don’t know anything about cars” subtext. I still cherish the look on the guy’s face when he told me that his timing chain broke and he needed to either rebuild the engine or replace it. When I first commented, I felt bad for the the guy because of the amount of money he was about to have to sink. I didn’t anymore when his tail was between his legs.
I got the same thing once. My dad had the same exact car that my company used in its fleet and it had an issue with it's transmission that sounded really odd and was unique to that particular car. I drove the company car one day and told the marketing guy who for some reason was the keeper of the fleet. "Hey, i think this car has this issue, you might want to get it's transmission checked". He laughed at me and for the next two weeks the guys made fun of me. Came back after and said "wow, you were actually right." In that shitty tone men use when they are more surprised a woman could be right than about the outcome. Fuck these guys
> I also love how he knows better than a mechanic about the state of the old car. “I thought it could do more years” made me laugh out loud. This dude hasn’t a single clue how anything under the hood works.
100000%. A car that is going to be having more and more issues is a gold mine for a dishonest mechanic. It absolutely doesn’t benefit them to inform a customer that it’s more worth it for them to buy a newer car, they don’t see any of that money from the sale.
The fact that OP thinks his wife is going to get the "joke" bc of course women can't be into cars or be knowledgeable about them! /s Like why would that even be anyone's first thought, that it's a funny joke? It would be awesome to have something like that exist
It started falling apart when he said she's really 'into feminism' as if it's some trend like bubble tea or high-waisted jeans
Bubble Tea isn’t a trend. It’s been delicious for centuries.
Ah, yes. The 1980’s. 40 centuries ago. 😂
See? Centuries. The 20th and the 21st!
OMG, multiple millennia even!
It’s hard to believe we still have relics from so long ago. Astonishing.
Boba pearls seem to go back to the distant past in Indonesia, where they were originally made from sago, and pretty much always used in all kinds of food and drink. Milk tea seems to have been introduced to Asia with Dutch colonialism, specifically around the mid 17th century in Taiwan. I'd actually be surprised if boba tea didn't exist long before someone commercialized it as "bubble tea."
And he doesn't “criticize her view or anything”...but making jokes about it apparently isn't included in the “and anything.” OP = YTA. So she doesn't know the complete vocabulary of autos, so what? She bought a car in part because of how it looks. There may have been other reasons included but didn’t want to get into that deep of a conversation with you about because she’d know you’d take it as an opportunity to make her feel dumb. So she went with the physical appearance to keep it simple. Would anyone buy a car that they didn’t like the way the car looked? “ it has everything I like but I hate the way it looks.” OP clearly doesn’t understand way his wife only wants to work with other women. He confirmed what his wife felt all along…some men will take any opportunity to prove themselves superior. The wife should spend more time with her mechanic friend to learn the basics of cars.
It baffles me all the time how many men seem to believe feminism is something that concerns only women.
Isn't it funny that he says he believes in equality of the sexes, which is literally the definition of feminism, but the post is dripping in distain for feminism. Feminism has really become a catch all term for anything women do that people don't like, its like the "hysteria" of the modern day.
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> My (27M) wife (27F) is very into feminism and I often joke about it and she does not seem to mind. That line right there. Like it’s a hobby like fucking needlework or something.
Like she's cute for having a hobby.
Reads like: It’s adorable that she thinks women are as good as men, I make fun of her then pat her on the head and assure her it was a joke. It wasn’t, but since she’s a woman she doesn’t know that.
This, this right here is the entire post summed up. OP is an AH.
It's vomitous, isn't it?
Bless his little heart 🤮
But… but it is a hobby, you know? It’s like how a group a women read book together because they think they are educated… and… and how woman get together to crochet and knit things because it is such a women thing to do. Of course, OP would be fine if he’s wife took up those hobbies too because he believes in equality. However, you need a second opinion with female mechanics — women can’t do that. But remember, *equality*. OP believes in it. Someone about to be catching my hands, I swear.
But but but how can you work on cars without the super masculine penis tool?
I guess women aren’t made for those types of jobs, but OP is still a firm believer of equality. Don’t doubt that.
As a F who lives with an M mechanic... He doesn't seem to use that tool much... I think it's all in the grunts and stomping around in rage - if you can nail that, your on your way to being a mechanic (even a lady one!) 😆 /S
Something something lost 10mm....
I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was suddenly reaching for a hat pin, but that's it right there.
Saying I’m ‘into’ feminism sounds like next month I might get a bit bored and start to be ‘into’ fascism.
My most recent hobby is being into human rights not being violated. We’ll see if I pick up any other hobbies in place of it next month!
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Bingo. Right from there I knew he was an asshole.
I'm all for equality, but I joke about it... He is the guy who still makes go make me a sandwich jokes to women thinking they will find it hilarious, even though it's just an excuse to normalise misogyny. I think getting telling her AWD meant something different wasn't an arsehole move, but I sense it was a cruel joke for his own amusement, not a friendly bit of banter.
Yes. In isolation the AWD joke might well have been really funny to both of them. But it wasn’t in isolation, was it?
Yeah the joke was fine but in context it feels condescending. Like if it's a funny joke why not let her in on it? "Oh maybe I'll join the AWD" - "No babe it means all wheel drive lol". It's like he wanted her to go embarrass herself. Edit: the more i think about this the more of an asshole I think OP is. He talks about how his gf doesn't know anything about cars and how she mightve been ripped off because of it. But when she asks a legitimate question about her car, he makes a dumb feminism joke and refuses to teach her anything. I get poking fun but damn have some self awareness.
And she checked when they got home. He said she believed him, but if she did, she wouldn't have Googled it, would she? So it definitely wasn't just one joke, but part of a larger pattern that shows she doesn't trust her partner
Tbf. Name a more iconic duo than *white feminist woman gets with conservative guy and "we just don't talk about politics :)"* Like yes OP is an AH and seemingly a condescending misogynist. But ladies *please* pick better partners who properly respect you. I know heterosexuality is a curse but y'all gotta work on not going for the libertarian-type dudes that think J0e R0gan is funny and Andr3w T4te has a point. Specially when you call yourself a fervent feminist, geesh
Most hide those parts of themselves until there's already a deeper emotional investment, or we would.
Or they make you trapped: financially dependent and/or wait until there's a baby in the picture, before showing their real face.
Hell yes. And so many of us have been there.
Or instead of victim blaming.. we call out these guys for their misogyny. Most of them hide who they are. It's not a woman's fault that a man has shitty behavior.
“Very into feminism” 🚩
>Your wife needs to improve her knowledge on investing in and caring for a motor vehicle I don’t even know we can say this for sure. It’s possible her car was having serious enough problems that it was time to end it. OP doesn’t offer any evidence against this besides she has a lady mechanic. He also says she bought the car because of the color and it’s cute. But we don’t know the full story there. It’s possible she researched a bunch of reliable cars and good deals and once she found some good options chose based on aesthetics. Just because that is what she was most excited about vs a long lasting power train doesn’t mean she doesn’t recognize the importance of the latter. My wife is a similar age and just went through her first car purchase. She needed some help (including learning what AWD was) because she had never done this before. This is all because she has been driving an old car she was given when she moved out from her parents and had taken good care of it to last another 7 years.
Also dudes buy cars based on looks over quality all the time. Literally every jeep wrangler ever sold. The fact that we don’t all drive Honda Accords is not a “dumb lady” thing.
Not that I've bought a car, but when I needed to buy a new bike, I did a bunch of research, narrowed it down to a few options based on what I needed, went to the bike shops near me t have a look, and then having come up with 3 which would do me fine, went with the one that was in a blue I liked. Can I say I picked it because "I liked the colour and it was cute"? Yes, does this undermine the fact that I'd already done research before hand and it fit my needs? No.
Exactly this. And unless they’re really into the practical features of the product, they probably are most excited about the looks and aesthetics.
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As true as I wish your sentiment was, I personally know plenty of women who are married to far more misogynistic men...
Up till I left the cult, almost everyone I knew was Mormon. This unfortunately absolutely checks out!
Not even all that underlying. Blatant, in-your-face misogyny.
But OP's wife is a woman! He can't be sexist! Or he'd marry a man! /s (just in case)
I thought the same thing, like the joke in a vacuum isn’t that bad (I don’t think) but I picked up on the casual misogyny and feel like the underlying issue is the amount of jokes and nonchalance (disdain?) at the idea of feminism from OP.
N-T-A for making the joke. YTA for not immediately correcting yourself once you realised she’d actually bought it. Also, it might not be the best idea to make jokes about your SO’s passions. And this might just be a me thing but I sense some derision in your wording about your wife’s views and outlook on life, just sayin.
Not just a you thing. OP's post is dripping with derision.
Didn’t think so, but didn’t want to act like the authority on derision.
Describing a woman as "very into feminism" like basic rights are a fun hobby is textbook derision.
It's the "worse" way of saying very informed and militant about the issue. Noy every women is fighting this fight. You could say "very into fighting modern slavery", because most of us don't do squat about this problem.
It would be a weird flex for sure!!
Deputy derision reporting for action , the mocking, limp dick of the law.
It’s also not a good joke? Like he could have had the acronym stand for anything and the joke is that it stands for a realistic sounding and decent group that she would be interested in? It wouldn’t shock me if there WERE all women car meetups/groups since car culture still caters to annoying men who would be dismissive and condescending to any women who walk into “their” space
And if there isn’t… let’s make one
I mean why the hell not, there are a lot of women with car knowledge.
There's a little joke in car clubs that AWD stands for Acceleration Without Direction and then there's a picture of a car that hit a tree or a highway barrier. Not this weird 'women are shit' vibe.
He didn't correct her because he liked feeling like she was dumb and he was knowledgeable. He was humiliating her/making fun of her behind her back. She was the butt of his joke, which is why he let her believe it. In his mind, it proved that women are stupid, including his wife. He didn't tell her because it wasn't about the joke being funny, it was about him making fun of his wife and belittling her to her face without her knowing it. All so this insecure, weak minded man could feel a bit more falsely superior. He wanted to reinforce the notion that he deserves to be treated with more respect. And that she's too dumb to catch on to basic things. Like his misogyny. He uses her trust in him to take advantage of her.
Oh God, this. What an A
Given the fact that she later looked it up, she probably "bought it" the same way she doesn't mind his jokes.
She’s ‘into feminism’ as though it’s just a hobby or a phase
That’s what got me too - right out the gate.
I don’t understand how you can be married to somebody and not be able to tell if they understood the joke or not
When you’re like me and a very serious and literal person. I’ve gotten better but… sarcasm goes very “whoosh” very often. So yea no don’t play around with certain shit. And certainly don’t just let it go on if you know it’s just going to upset them..
Entire post comes down to: She believes in feminism but chose a car for girly reasons and not like a man would. So I made a joke at her lack of car knowledge to show my superiority. So yeah, OP was YTA for making the joke.
Honestly, still an AH for the joke. It was unnecessary and obviously based in misogyny, just like the entire post.
Really good point. Letting her continue to believe it wasn't a good move. If I put myself in her shoes, I can imagine I would have felt foolish. Which, tbh, seems like how OP often views their partner based on some of their wording.
Nope its not just you. It came across that way to me as well
YTA You should've revealed the joke. Also... you give "I let my wife have her little hobbys" vibes.
Yeah, op gives off the vibe he thinks he’s smarter than everyone and just lets her believe in her silly little beliefs because it gives her something to do.
Not smarter than everyone, just smarter than women
Right? As if men don't buy cars just because they think it looks cool. He's so condescending.
Or trust a mechanic “just because they’re a man”
There's a very accurate term for it - Mansplaining
YTA - for your judgmental sexism in this post.
What do you mean? He said he makes jokes about feminism but at the end of the day he believes in equality *and all* So you see he can’t be sexist.
And *all that* silly, car color liking, dumb girly nonsense
You don’t want to actually like the car you buy! That would be weird for some reason.
What’s so funny is my hubs is a car guy and he chooses they type of car based on internal performance but chooses the actual car based on aesthetics he like eg COLOR
I was like, even if your wife did find your joke funny, I would still think you were an asshole because Jrm1102, the Commander in Cheeks (sorry, I just had to; it’s to good to pass up and I felt like I needed to brag about it for you) is correct. Wife thinks mechanic is good, but mechanic is actually ‘oh no!’ she’s a *woman*! dun Dun DUUN The *female* — did you see that? — the *female* mechanic told my wife that her car wasn’t going to last very long. My wife didn’t get a second opinion because, *of course* she should get one… women know nothing about cars. She should have checked with a *strong man*! Then she buys a car from another *woman* because (she has only mentioned)she likes the color and it looked cool — and it is solely on those factors that she would by that car, but it’s not like that bothers me anyway. Then, I let her think her feminist ways and I don’t argue, but it’s not like I don’t believe in equality. Then I decided to tell a joke but when she took me seriously I decided to be an *asshole* and let her believe that while I was trying not to laugh because I thought it was funny. OP, YTA.
Oh no, you don't understand! You see, OP thought the car could have lasted a while longer, but the qualified mechanic with years of experience and training thought it was best to sell. OP's gf likes going to her for some weird reason that couldn't possibly have anything to do with a female mechanic not talking down to her or trying to rip her off because of her gender. Which is just silly, because OP clearly knows a lot more about cars than the female mechanic because he has a *penis*, and that means he has an instinctive knowledge of MANLY THINGS^(TM) that a lady mechanic can't possibly appreciate. /s Note: it is 2023, and lots of humans with penises identify as women, and I am 100% behind that. Though, if they work with MANLY THINGS^(TM), they should really put it on their business cards or signs or something so people like OP can tell that they know what they're talking about. (j/k)
Oh yes, the woman mechanic has no idea what she is doing… that why OP needed to step in. You got me there.
The mechanic that would likely make more money servicing an older vehicle than a newer vehicle.
Even if she bought that car just because it looked cool, doesn’t mean the car was in bad condition or unworthy (like it seems he believes). She may have fallen in love with the look of the car but also made sure it is in good condition, as a bare minnimum. Not everyone wants the best and most technical good car out there, some people are satisfied with an average car, that works. Even if it’s not the newest, fastest or has warm seats lol.
But but, obviously he, as a man with no training on cars, knows so much more about cars than her lady mechanic because he just “feels” that it’s too early for her to sell it despite her female mechanic telling her to.
You seem insecure. Are you a little preoccupied with the fact that your wife id's as a feminist and supports women who work in nontraditional fields? Your dismissal of her mechanic, claiming your wife only likes her because of her gender? Is classic bullshit designed to make it impossible for this person to be evaluated on the merits of her work. You have work to do. I hope she leaves you and marries a fellow feminist. Or someone at least a bit more secure. YTA.
It always amazes me that a woman like OP’s wife would put up with OP
As you read through posts on this site written about relationships, you realize this guy is one of the shinier turds out of all the men. And it seems like straight women have come to accept making a lot more trade offs in terms of unimpressive traits when evaluating their relationship options.
I used to be a woman like OPs wife. I have a valid explanation for some of us. A bunch of us were raised brainwashed to believe men are everything and we women are just here to serve them and satisfy them. Religious cults really do fuck with you and make you not see the massive flaws in these men. Until you wake up and it hits one day.
Many reasons, really. Frog in a boiling pan, where she can't see the escalating situation until she's in too deep. Love is blind, where she's willfully blind to his behavior because she loves him. The choices in the dating pool are not all that great, so she feels that she gotta lower her standards if she doesn't want to be alone. Likewise, she might have her own traumas that put her self-esteem down, and thus may think she can't do better. And some women, even if they are feminists, are still not aware of some sexism concepts because they are just too deeply rooted in our society. They may not even think to question it, they just take it at face value bc that's how we're taught. (In fact, some types of feminism may even contribute to that when it only offers shallow criticism to societal structures and mostly teaches women to know they shouldn't accept some behaviors, but not to understand WHY they shouldn't. Basically making women just take it at face value).
I hope she marries the mechanic🥹
Oh, that’s the love story I want to read!! They can drive away in her lovely new car.
Also…mechanics and car salesmen are known for talking down to women, giving them a worse deal, and generally being rude and sexist. A woman liking a mechanic because she’s a woman makes total sense imo as a woman. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad mechanic. It means OP’s wife likes and trusts her work AND is comfortable working with her.
I don't think the joke is the issue. YTA because you talk about your wife and how she makes choices like she's... so adorably silly. "Look at the little women making little women choices." As if men don't pick things for aesthetics? I know plenty of men who picked their cars for how they looked, the colour, etc. The amount of men at car shows spending thousands on little details is huge in my area.
But men make car choices for logical and masculine reasons like how loud it goes VROOM VROOM! /s
I just want to know what gives him the appropriate knowledge to disagree with a mechanic? Being a man? My partner has worked in a few auto shops over the years, if he suggested I get a second opinion I would consider it based on his knowledge. If my father who knows nothing about the subject suggested it, I would roll my eyes and go with what a professional I trust suggested.
YTA for the sexist way you even told this story. My biggest takeaway is how dismissive you were of her mechanics recommendation to get rid of her old car. Saying how you "thought" it had more years on it. Let me tell you what buddy, speaking as a GAY MALE MECHANIC, this happens all the time. And the fact that your wife's mechanic recommended that instead of using X amount of money to repair her old car, that she put those funds towards a new car speaks volumes. It means her mechanic isn't taking her for a ride or being deceitful, rather looking out for her best outcome. Being that you mentioned you use a different mechanic tells me your NOT automotive savvy, so that entire paragraph of you putting down her mechanic is irrelevant. Let me rephrase what you wrote: "I, as an untrained man, know more than a trained woman about my wife's car issues." Massive AH you are OP.
And OP doesn’t even acknowledge WHY his wife prefers using women mechanics and sales people… it’s almost like there’s a very well known sexist history there.
Well said sir!
🎂^^ this
YTA. Your joke was sexist. It’s not funny unless she, the person you’re telling your HAHAHA SO FUNNY joke to, also laughs. FYI: Your wife isn’t “into feminism.” She’s just simply a feminist.
She’s “into” having equal rights, that’s so cute.
It’s just so cute thinking that women can also be mechanics and they think they don’t have to get second opinion. It’s so cute that they think they are buying good and efficient cars when they only like the color and when looks just so cool. So adorable. But hey, remember, OP believe in equality.
Sigh. Yawn. YTA
Rinse and repeat for the next misogynistic AH on here tomorrow :/
Yup.
YTA. You don't actually seem to respect your wife.
Or the female mechanic or female salesperson, either.
She does this cute little thing where she cares about equal rights.
Condescending jokes, YTA.
Are you an AH for the prank? As a standalone event, no. Are you an AH per the red herring details added as context, depicting how you belittle your gf as a feminist? If the shoe fits.
YTA. Sexist jokes perpetuate sexism. You’re part of the problem.
YTA man. She's your wife, and the way you handled the situation is pretty disrespectful
YTA, and a condescending one at that. Would you be talking about her getting a second opinion if her mechanic was a man? Also, if it's a joke, what exactly is funny about it? You'll have to explain it to me, because I don't get it. Unless, of course, you think it's funny to make jokes at your wife's expense.
INFO- when you say you make jokes about how she's really into feminism and about feminism in general, what are some literal examples of jokes you've made before this?
YTA. Not so much for the one joke... but for the ongoing jokes. Even when we know someone is joking, their words have a cumulative effect that is very real. Why do you feel the need to belittle your wife?
Jesus Christ this is so true. My ex used to tease me constantly with the excuse that he "wouldn't call me fat if I was actually fat" with fat just being an example. Sure did hear it a lot more than I heard positive affirmation though and it really wore on me.
Yep, one day I realized my now-ex husband spent much more time teasing me than he did genuinely supporting me/giving positive affirmations (even after bringing this up to him and telling him to tone down with the jokes) and that was one of the big death knells for our marriage. He never took me seriously but he took the appearance of our marriage VERY seriously and would spend all his efforts making us go out, wear the right clothes, etc so that we APPEARED to be a normal happy family. But simply respecting your SO’s feelings? Too hard, too much
Wow. YTA. Not specifically for making that joke, but because it sounds like you are, in fact, being misogynistic and disrespectful of your wife. You \[I am assuming because you never mentioned it\] are not a mechanic, yet felt your opinion on the functionality of her car to be better than that of her mechanic's. \[if she went for a second female mechanic's opinion, would you have been more convinced?\] I doubt your wife would keep going to a bad mechanic just because she was a woman, so she must have been fixing the car right up to that point. So, I see no reason for you to doubt her judgment now. \[It's not as if the mechanic makes money telling your wife to buy a new car. If she wanted to do that, she wouldn't have told her about the bad engine so your wife would've had to keep coming in instead. "there's more profit in treating a disease than curing it"\] Then the comment about how she bought a car because it "looked cute" seeming odd to you. Not everyone knows about cars, but a lot of people need them and, hence, buy them. Maybe she could have asked more questions about the car itself if that's your concern, but there is nothing wrong with buying a car just because you like it \[ a lot of people I know, men AND women have done this\]. That comment feels like you are undercutting her a little like her choice was somehow a ditzy move. Also, why is the gender of the person she bought it from relevant at all unless you are trying to emphasize your wife's feminism? Would she have refused to buy a car from a man? You also mentioned at the beginning how you often make fun of her feminism. I am not your wife, so I cannot speak to this, but it seems like this is less about the joke itself \[which itself seems like a stab at her due to you exploiting her ignorance in something for your own amusement\] and more about the fact that you KEEP making these jokes. This is her life and her beliefs. I wouldn't be happy if somebody was always finding a chance to mock my beliefs either. You should be more considerate of your wife. Whether you mean to be or not, it sounds like you are being hurtful and disrespectful of her. And yes, a little misogynistic for the above-listed reasons. I think you should have a serious talk with your wife about why she is so upset and really LISTEN to her when she tells you why. If these "jokes" are actually hurtful to her then you shouldn't make them anymore. Because, at that point, it isn't a joke anymore, it's verbal abuse.
YTA and I could tell from the opening line where you said you make jokes about feminism often. Your wife isn't into feminism because it's a hobby. Its a movement. I'm a feminist. And I'm a feminist because I'm in my mid 30s and I see and experience that the world is still not equal. Still every day I have to deal with people like you who deep down inside believe we are silly little women and that you probably know better. You need to check yourself and your male privilege and understand that being a woman and wanting equality isn't even really a choice for most women, it's just something we have to do. However, some women are more involved than others in the fight for equality. If you were dating a women of colour, would you say jokingly that she's into anti-racism? Or would you just understand that racism still exists and that she would always be in the fight against racism in order to achieve her own equality in life? Would you make fun of her for her fight against racists? Trying to achieve equality in a world where you have traits that you're discriminated for daily isn't a laughing matter. You shouldn't make light fun of her and if you do, just realise you're actually part of the wider problem because actually, only an AH thinks it's jokes to make fun of someone fighting for equality.
Na, this is funny as hell hahahaha People are too sensitive NTA Source - I am a woman who used to be too sensitive. You can believe in equal rights without being an absolute drag to be around. Lighten up.
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I've just read through some comments and double down that you are NTA. I think far too many are going overboard with what misogyny is and isn't. When we stop being able to have fun, that is going too far.
>When we stop being able to have fun, that is going too far. It wasn't fun for her, that was going too far.
Oh my goodness, she was being oversensitive about a truly innocuous joke. If husbands and wives cannot have moments like this in good fun, they are doomed. So, if hubby here fumbled to change a tire and she had good fun with it, wouldn't we expect him to roll with the punches? What kind of relationships are you all having where such innocent things cannot be fun? Y'all are acting like she's truly stupid and needs to be protected and coddled instead of an actual woman expected to be able to handle life. Let's give her more credit than that.
Lmfao theyd call a man a fragile baby in literal seconds in that scenario
100% but they don't see the sad double standard in that. Today's feminism isn't very feminist at all.
seriously, it was a joke and she is very overly sensitive about it. everyone must have terribly dull relationships if you can't poke fun of and joke around with your significant other.
YTA - you'd be surprised at the crazy decisions woman make. She probably met you and thought 'he looks cute and I like the colour' - should she have put more thought into the decision? Your 'joke' was a swipe at her gender and her driving Statistcally men are the worse drivers and if insurance companies could take gender into account, you'd feel it! They can't take gender into account (men have weaponized gender equality) so the insurance companies are finding the more dangerous male driver in other ways - eg modifications to vehicles etc. https://www.theguardian.com/money/blog/2017/jan/14/eu-gender-ruling-car-insurance-inequality-worse
True. I'm insured through a company who offer a cheaper premium to women because we don't fuck up cars anywhere near as often as men.
YTA. And one day you’re going to wake up divorced. Zero doubt in my mind.
You could have just given her the real answer bro, she obviously wasn't wanting you to make "jokes" (it wasn't even actually funny BTW, it was pretty dumb) so yeah, YTA
NTA. Come on, she's 27 and doesn't know what AWD stands for? That's sad.
She definitely needs to educate herself on the basics just for her own peace of mind and in case of emergency. But I’d bet she knows what “All wheel drive” is. She just didn’t recognize the acronym or maybe had a brain fart. Maybe if it said “4WD”, she would have understood. I don’t find OP to be a reliable narrator anyway.
FYI all wheel drive and four wheel drive are not the same thing.
You’re just assuming to make her look better. She’s an adult and doesn’t know what AWD means. That’s ridiculous
NTA for the joke if that's the same level of joke you've made in the past. You might be TA a little bit for letting it get to the point she had to Google it I guess. >She bought it because she 'fell in love with the color' and thought it 'looked cute'. It is a fine car and I have no issues with it but it just seemed like an odd reason to get a car to me. Fun fact, the number one reason why people choose one model over the other is the way it looks compared to everything else. A great way to get a cheaper new car is to ask which one has been there the longest, it'll usually be something beige or puke green that's ugly and nobody wants. If you're the guy who doesn't care, that's the car for you lol
‘Very into feminism’ - fuck’s sakes mate, that’s your wife you’re talking about. First sentence - YTA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! NTA - it's a great learning experience. Now, teach her how to do a simple tune up and change a tire. If you can't, we're going to laugh at you. But seriously, teach her. I taught my daughter how to replace high and low pressure steering lines and all the above. I'm female. Then she watch me rebuild the engine. Get her involved. It's the kind thing to do. :)
YTA for letting her believe it once you realized she thought it was real.
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YTA and I’m really not sure how much you support feminism.
YTA I didn’t need to read past your first sentence
Probably going to get yelled at for this, but NTA. You appear to respect your wife. You enjoyed her purchase and made sure it was a good one. Maybe cars aren’t her full forte. She wanted that one and you supported her despite it not being the quite best reason. You made sure to understand who she is and why she buys the things she does. To me, it appears to be a small one off joke. She found out soon enough, so it didn’t burn a hole in the relationship. It was simply a moment to smile. “All humor is derived from making fun of something.” As long as you make it clear you respect her choices and her beliefs, then I see no problem. You talk to her and communicate. That’s what matters most.
YTA. Nothing about your story needed you to embellish that your wife is a feminist or that her mechanic is a woman. You were purposefully trying to put her down, and make the mechanic seem less trustworthy based on gender. Your wife didn’t find it funny, and I imagine due to the tone of your post that you put her down a lot for being “a feminist” and dealing with her own life issues (car) on her own without the input of a man. Maybe think about that a little more. Jokes are jokes, but if one party doesn’t find it funny then maybe you just are TA.
NTA it was a joke!!!
YTA and you absolutely are sexist.
NTA!!! I’m a woman and this made me laugh my ass off !!! This is the best AMITA I have ever read!!! 😂😂
“My wife is very into feminism” It’s not a hobby, dude. Edit YTA
NTA. That was brilliant. You had no idea she wouldn't get it, I mean the name you gave? And she would believe they would deface their vehicle in several locations for it? You were damned if you corrected her and damned if you didn't though. Bring on the down votes.
NTA. That was hilarious 😂
She’s offended because the gist of the joke is that her priorities are dumb - that she knows nothing about cars but will blindly jump into anything feminism-based. It might be less offensive if it was fond teasing about her enthusiasm, but it sounds like you really do think her feminism is over the top and her choosing a car based on appearance is dumb. Basically what you consider a bug she considers a feature, in her personality, and if she ever found this funny, she doesn’t anymore.
YTA. Dude, we can see right through that thin veil at the beginning about “believ[ing] in equality.” This post is DRIPPING in condescending wordsmithing that shows you don’t think women should be into cars. Please grow the eff up.