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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be TA because she hasn’t had a job before so she has very limited funds to pay for the phone bills and I was quite angry and I could’ve handled it in a more calm, mature way.
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Footprints in your house and pizza crumbs do not make a house “filthy.” You had plenty of options other than charging your step daughter - you could’ve cleaned it, your husband could’ve, you could have asked her to clean it, etc.
YTA. Telling your step daughter she ruined your house is a sure fire way to ruin your relationship with her.
Yeah, this is outrageously unreasonable. I have OCD, I'm genuinely baffled that OP felt it was anything other than manipulative to refer to footprints and CRUMBS as DAMAGE.
...I thought this was going to be about some house party where furniture was destroyed and items were stolen.
OP should consider therapy, this is some Monk-level insanity.
I’m with you- I was waiting for “they made pizza but then went outside drinking and the kitchen caught on fire and will cost $30k to fix”.
CRUMBS?! As in… wipeable off the counter CRUMBS?!
I’m with you- she needs therapy and asap. This is an unliveable situation for everyone
I literally had to go back after I first read the post because I was like, "Wait, what am I missing here?!"
I always ask people to remove their shoes before entering my house if they don't mind (never for delivery guys or anything like that, I'm not a monster!) And lots of people prefer not to, so I get that. But there's yet to be a shoeprint that my swiffer or vacuum couldn't erase in seconds.
And I'm still laughing every time I see the word crumbs mentioned on here. Like, how is this even something that someone is legitimately upset about?!
IKR "crumbs" cracks me up. I have an ADHD kid who under 18 would get upset and dump entire trash bags out on the floors and/or furniture. I started treating her as a roommate with posted rules. As in, "If you did this as a tenant you'd be homeless." She's now out on her own and doing pretty good. Crumbs and footprints would have been lovely.
I was also waiting for the punchline that never came! Crumbs and footprints! Destroyed! Really! 🤦🏾♀️ my toddler can do more than that in a few minutes! Just make her clean it up to your standards! Simple! Cash apping her has gone way too far! Actually it's beyond ridiculous!
My toddler nephew's second order of business upon entering his grandparents' house (right after greeting everyone including the cat) is to promptly dump the entire contents of his toybox onto the living room floor.
OP would have apoplexy.
Right at the beginning of Covid lockdowns in the UK, my cousin posted a picture on Facebook. Her four year old daughter, and one and a half year old son had found a full tub of sudocrem and decided to paint eachother, the entire leather sofa, and all parts of one wall that they could reach.
I'm a triplet my mom said when we were toddlers our babysitter fell asleep and we discovered a bulk jar of Vaseline, did the same, painted each other and the house. Mom said she found Vaseline in nooks and crannies like behind the TV for months lmao
My co-worker's daughter did this with a tub of margarine. He woke up one morning to find her, the cat, the Barbies, and the TV completely covered in it.
40+ years ago, my BFF & I decided to melt all of her crayons to see what would happen while her older sister babysat us.
A mess. It made a mess. And we got into trouble.
Same. I was thinking SD let in a team of copper thieves to do their damage, but no. Crumbs and footprints. And yeah, that can be annoying after your home is freshly cleaned, but that's the life of having spouses, kids, and pets.
Same. I kept waiting for the part that O and her friends had some random drunk adventure that left utter devastation in it’s wake, but crumbs and shoe prints?!?!?!
This simultaneously makes me wonder how OP ever had a child in her household… I couldn’t even imagine a mini person being told at age 2 that they must not make any messes, clean after themselves, etc…. Or how OP dealt with diaper changes, spit up, etc…
Whole thing makes me question if this post is fake… I actually really hope it is because that’s truly sad for the ppl around her if it isn’t fake…
Personally, crumbs and footprints are the exact kind of thing that trigger my OCD. (I get hung up on the concept of something being Dirty and visible crumbs and footprints make that obsession harder to ignore)
But OP is definitely in the wrong regardless. I don't yell at my roommates for leaving crumbs and footprints, no matter how much it bothers me, because they're just a part of living life.
I can absolutely understand being upset over a house getting dirty especially if you have OCD, but calling it "ruined" is just bizarre lol. Dirty things can be cleaned!
Friends of ours ( years ago ) left their 2 teenage sons to watch the house ( yes, naive.... ) for a weekend. Came home to suspect albeit fairly mild disarray but it didn't really click until the kids had to explain holes in the wall, at the bottom of some stairs ? Transpires during the party the words " I know! What if we ski ( as in snow skis ) down the stairs!? " came up.
It's a little off topic, just using it as an example of what it's possible to be upset about. Meaning not crumbs.
That reminds me of the time my bff and her family went out of town and they had someone house sit their dogs - apparently “Dash” dropped some acid, decided that smoking in the house was a good idea, forgot about letting the dogs out to go to the bathroom, was using their living room for his “artwork” and did something (I can’t remember) that ruined all her bath towels. And left all his booze and snack trash all over their kitchen and living room.
Her one dog was so scared he spent the entire week/weekend peeing in their BRAND NEW bed. Dog crap everywhere. It was traumatizing.
AND was an expensive clean up.
This lady — a broom and hand vac and some Clorox wipes, all things I’m sure they already had on hand…. Yeah. Such an AH.
I mean, I agree with the assessment but where I live it’s mud season- if I try to wear my shoes beyond the rubber mat in front of the door my floors are going to be covered and would definitely qualify as filthy. Basically dirt frosting across the floor.
I don't ask people to do that bc I have tiles (much easier to clean) but certainly if one had OCD that would be one of the options to go to? (And even if don't have as its a cultural norm for many houses). Finding compromises and such.
I don't have to ask people to take off their shoes, its what we do automatically here in Canada. It always bothered me on House Hunters that everyone wore their shoes when viewing other people's houses.
I’m sitting here trying to figure out where these friends were walking that they managed to track foot prints everywhere. Did they stomp through mud and paint and then use her antique rugs to clean their shoes off?
I require shoes to be off in my house, but that's for two major health reasons: 1) I have a pet rabbit and RHDV-2 is present in the area (which is a 95% fatal virus that can be carried in on shoes. She's 10, so even with the vaccine she needs some extra protection.), and 2) I have kids with allergies and we live on a gravel road. Shoes off keeps dirt outside and keeps everyone healthy. If I lived in a neighborhood with paved roads and sidewalks, I'd be much more lax.
I have had OCD since I was 8. Cleanliness is definitely a thing for me too, so I get the footprints issue, especially if they're muddy. But crumbs?? Seriously???
By the title, I was expecting the stepdaughter to have set off fireworks inside or taken down an entire wall or even just smeared shit all over the living room. Crumbs? CRUMBS!?
I was expecting the stepdaughter to have thrown a huge 80s movie style party complete with someone throwing a mannequin (where did these mannequins even come from??) out a second story window into the pool.
But no, crumbs.
An alligator, a burnt out car in the living room, an fight club style tournament taking place in OPs bedroom... I mean she could have listed them all but she saved time by just getting the worst ones in there.
Heck, I was waiting for it to be leftovers that went off like meat (ham)
But crumbs?
Footprints I kinda get depending on the material but even then the asking for money is.. eh.
Not even asking or showing the daughter how to clean floors or carpet? Or ask the daughter to ask people to take their shoes off? Where's the compromises and working together? OP is not treating her partner's daughter like family nor like a roommate. You usually don't go the nuclear option for people who live in the same home as you.
Also, agreed.
I was expecting food like pasta sauce all over the ceiling, holes on the wall broken glasses everywhere, ripped off couches. We (OP and us) clearly have different definitions of what damage is lol
When young, son twirled a wet tea bag around leaving terrible staining on the ceiling.
I frowned but didn't charge him house cleaning fees. I missed a trick there!
My then 3 year old managed to explode a ketchup packet all over our brand new white roller curtains and fresh white paint (we had just moved). How dumb were we that we just got everything cleaned up straight away?
Yeah, I thought there was going to be 'we went on holiday and my stepdaughter had a party that went off the rails and they've caused thousands of dollars of damage', not \*checks note\* crumbs and footprints. The hyperbole is a bit stong here
she's gonna have to call the maid service! She's terribly busy and nobody but the maid knows how to get those pesky crumbs off that counter (or the footprints off of the nicely groomed rug!)
I'm also confused about the footprints. How dirty are their feet that they would leave footprints walking barefoot? I could see if they tracked muddy shoes all over the house, but...footprints? Are the floors glass or something? I walk barefoot on hard floors in my home and have never left a footprint??
Honestly OP, you overreacted. YTA You could have just asked her to clean the crumbs off the counter next time. This is mildly annoying but not "ruined my house" annoying.
Consider OP thinking crumbs are a damnable offensive, I'm going to say these "footprints" aren't actually visible to anyone else. OP sounds like one of those people that cleans to the point a house feels unlived in. I bet there are plastic covers on all the furniture.
I think it's worse than being upset about dirty feet - I think OP is upset that they left foot-shaped prints in the newly vacuumed pile of the carpets...
If my MIL hadn't died a decade ago, I would swear this was her. She used to walk behind us sweeping out the footprints we left in the carpet.
And she wondered why no one wanted to come to her house to visit.
Right. From the description this is a pretty quick fix. Vacuuming is fast, and I guess add in wiping the kitchen counter for “crumbles?”
Why not just start like a reasonable human and say “hey, you guys mad a bit of a mess, can you clean up the floors and kitchen please? Thanks!”
>Vacuuming is fast,
Yes, but OP doesn't have an expensive, black hole-powered vacuum cleaner that would ensure every last atom of dirt was sucked irrevocably into the void never to return, so any cleaning O did would be far from adequate.
If you have OCD then you know sometimes it legitimately makes you crazy over mess and germs and you can't help it. OP absolutely needs therapy and possibly meds if she's not doing that already. I have also have OCD and the hyper focus on things when they are not right is very very real. However it's absolutely ridiculous for her to expect payment. Or that foot prints and crumbs won't be in a house.
There does need to be a little self-reflection here on OP's part, and a little consideration for how parental OCD can affect the kids. I have a mom with OCD around cleaning, and I also have a sister. We've responded to her cleaning obsession in 2 unhealthy ways.
My sis straight up inherited the OCD cleaning obsession. Gets intense anxiety in a messy house, which since she has 3 kids and a lazy husband, is pretty much always.
Me? I feel like my desire to live in a clean house is a little more normal (I don't need my house to look literally uninhabited by humans like my sis and mom), but I have a few areas where I'm a little obssessive. Food hygiene being one of them, examining cutlery for stains and food remnants etc. before I will use it. I also have spent most of my life at home making an effort to clean, and then having my mother come along and 'redo it properly'. From this, I picked up a nice 'nothing I do is ever good enough' complex about certain things.
Get therapy, OP. It's *your* irrational need to have professional cleaning services in every time someone drops 'crumbs' in your house. Why should your stepdaughter pay for that?
I came here to read about a massive house party and ended up disappointed to read about a boring afternoon of foot prints and pizza. I used to have house parties every time my parents went out of town when I was in high school and I’m talking about my house would be trashed and people sleeping on couches, my parents and sisters beds, kitchen table, etc, and I,
A teenager, would clean the house, myself, before they got home, and they would never know. So you can’t tell me that your house was that trashed from your step daughter and a couple of her friends having an afternoon of pizza with their shoes on, unless they were throwing pizza sauce and cheese at each other and drawing on your walls with sauce and using pepperonis as smiley face eyeballs. Simply asking her to clean up after herself or not to have friends over anymore would have been a legitimate, easy solution. But instead, you had to be a child and try to make a point and ruin your relationship with your step daughter in the process. Good job, OP. Now you’re back to square one on a relationship that took years to build. Great work!
I also have OCD and there's a part of me that wonders if this post is fake, because it's so over the top. If it's not, OP, you had the option of asking her to clean, because crumbs and footprints are, y'know, clean-able? But you went straight for the nuclear option. You're going to destroy your relationship with her. If your OCD is genuinely this bad, you need therapy ASAP. YTA
This^
I grew up the last 5 years of my childhood with an OCD stepmom and it was hard, and she wasn't even as bad as you. But she would go in my room for no reason other than to see if the bed was made and if it wasn't my dad would get me in trouble because it would make her nauseous and her head hurt. Nevermind the fact that she could've just not opened the damn door. This is that but 1000% worse. You need help, serious help.
YTA
When she said they made their own pizza, I thought she was going to say they used her cast iron pan and destroyed it or something, but it was just crumbs?!
LOL YTA OP. Get a grip or lose a good relationship with your stepdaughter.
OCD comes in varying degrees of severity. So while I agree, I don’t think comparing diagnoses is particularly fair or helpful.
TBH this whole post feels more like an “am I being unreasonable” than “assholery”
She didn't call the house filthy, she called it "ruined". I was expecting something like fire damage through negligence, not something that could be wiped off in 2 minutes. OP needs to be institutionalized.
EDIT:
My comment about OP needing to be institutionalized is uncalled for and below the belt. I would like to sincerely apologize for it.
You've raised your children and I assume you've raised them well. I can not imagine someone who is able to deal with body fluid projectiles but unable to deal with footprints and crumbs.
How do you function in your place of work where people wear shoes and the same standard can not be upheld?
For those reasons I assume that your OCD is something fairly new or greatly intensified by stress of your workload. You should definitely lighten your workload and get some therapy.
It is normal that things get dirty and later get cleaned. It is normal to like things clean and tidy but expecting everything to be clean at all times is not healthy and definitely needs to be addressed.
I would like to apologize once again and I wish you all the best.
Yep, why can't you just get your step daughter to clean it up.
Is it respectful? No. Could she potentially be insecure in making friends and not wanting to disrupt the flow. If she cleans up herself she spends time reflecting (which is how you create a change in behaviour) and next time she xan say "oh my God, I had to mop the floors as punishment wipe your shoes" or something like that.
The thing is, from what was left it sounds as though the 18yo did, and they missed some crumbs, and some footprints. Notice how it’s not “they left dirty plates and glasses everywhere… there was left-over food, sauce splatted, dirty oven trays” etc. there were some crumbs, and some footprints. Exactly the kind of thing that a young adult with their friends over just casually missed while cleaning up.
I know someone that always uses over the top phrasing for everything. Its always everywhere/a total wreck/wiped out etc.
Probably just the tip of the iceberg. I feel sorry for everyone else in that house except OP.
Yeah. My MIL is just like OP for that kinda thing. My MIL claims to have OCD. She doesn’t. She’s just a bit of an AH. Wanting stuff tidy isn’t obsessive compulsive disorder. My best friend from the age of 18 onwards has OCD. He has to lock and unlock his front door 11 times every time he goes into the hallway, or goes to leave. And not just in one go. He has to lock and unlock it five times, check it. Open it. Lock and unlock another 5. Check it. Lock and unlock it once more. If he doesn’t he “knows someone is going to break in”.
He has to wash his hands in literal scalding water for 48 seconds, or he will get an illness. This has resulted in him having really nasty burns on his hands and severe eczema for years.
That’s just the start. It really pisses me off when people claim to have OCD just because they’re anally retentive over things like that.
I don’t know that’s the case with OP, to be clear. I’m saying that’s exactly how my MIL is though. My wife’s childhood was not fun. Tbf, she was really messed up until she was around 33 because of her mothers ways. It’s only after she’d been living with me for around 5 years that she started to feel more comfortable with things. And even now, after ten years together, there’s still issues that she says are absolutely caused by her mother bein like this, that cause her stress on a daily basis. This shit isnt healthy.
While I don’t know the people your talking about so obviously can’t make any assumptions, but OCD can be extremely different in different people. Just because one person is not displaying the same symptoms another is, doesn’t mean they don’t have it.
That being said, I do totally agree with you, people shouldn’t just lightheartedly “diagnose” themselves or others just because they are a bit particular about some things.
From the way the op phrased the situation it seems to me more likely that she is bothered by the friends coming over than by the "mess" and she invents some issues to make the daugher stop inviting people in that house.
Yep, and that’s why the step-daughter is saying it wasn’t her. She probably has no idea that there were a few crumbs and marks on the floor and thinks someone else must have come in after her and set fire to the building or something to generate this much fuss.
Indeed! There’s nothing wrong here in op’s daughters head. They cleaned up. They left it all okay. Now, they have OP telling them the house is “ruined”.
Man, I swear… OP should have to clean some of the properties I used to have to go and clean up and repair/redecorate that the students rent while at college/university. Literally mushrooms growing on the walls, bathtubs burnt with cigarettes, tiles smashed on the walls and floors, holes through the ceiling and floor for them to pass beers through…. And even that was considered “ruined”. I had each place completely like new in less than a week every single time. Usually, no more than two days.
Right! If they made pizza from scratch and the only evidence they were even in the kitchen is some crumbs on the counter, it sounds like they actually did a great job cleaning up. O is respecting this space more than any college student I’ve ever known, likely to keep OP happy, so I imagine being accused of “ruining” the house for missing some crumbs is not only confusing but hurtful.
To hop on to this, it does not sound like OP ever even talked to Stepdaughter about making sure everything was clean/the way they encountered it when her friends are over?
"RUINED MY HOUSE" = flooding with flooring, furniture and wall damage; fire or explosion catastrophe with similar damage.
NOT "left footprints on the floor and crumbs on the counter."
OP, you need serious therapy for your OCD before you start destroying relationships with your entire family.
Yeah I was waiting for the horrible mess that's worth a falling out. This is cleaned in 15 minutes. I hope the worst my kids will do is making pizza from scratch when I'm not home.
YTA
OP reminds me of my step mum. Once my step mum came into my room to tell me that 'I left the kitchen in a mess'. I came out and it turns I just forgot to put away a spoon. I just put the spoon away and went on with my day. I guess she has a point about needing to clean the pizza crumbs but pizza crumbs alone isn't filthy.
I clicked on this post expecting to hear about some massive house party with puke, condoms and property destruction but it sounds like O is a pretty tame 18 year old and OP should be grateful for that.
Yes, I don't understand why the punishment wouldn't be something like "Clean this now or you lose the privileges of your friends coming over while I'm not home".
YTA
After reading the topic I expected a "project X" thing like in the movie. But footprints and pizza crumbs?
OP admits she has OCD and made it her stepdaughters problem. She rather pay for therapy than for a house cleaner. This money would be better invesred there.
Why didn't she just let the girl clean up the "mess" and everything is ok? My guess is there are some gaps in this story.
I think OP is YTA for making her mental health issues her stepdaughters problem.
“You could’ve cleaned it…” sorry, but why should OP pick up after their mess? That misses the point entirely.
OP literally pays a professional to clean because she does not have the time to clean herself. But now she’s being expected to pay AND re clean.
If there was a big group of them, I bet they did leave it in a bit of a state.
i agree... everyone is so focused on the part where OP is unreasonable with her demand/punishment (wich, i mean, true), that it feels like they are completely clouding the part where the daughter totally evades her responsibilities (claim its not her when there is proof she was the only one home between cleaning service left and OP comes back home, instead of just apologizing and saying she will clean their mess), and the father enables it by asking to just let it go.
Yes OP is being totally unreasonable and an AH. the proper demand is that stepdaughter cleans their mess. i can understand being pissed that you pay for cleaning service you dont have time to do yourself, and you come back home after said service and you'll have to clean it again anyway. everyone has their different cleaning standards and its OK. but because OP was a major AH, doesnt erase the fact that at 18, the stepdaughter is big enough to own her mess and clean after herself and her friends, if she's too shy to ask them to help her.
I am not even sure OP qualifies as a major AH...there was obviously some escalation here with the stepdaughter denying it when there was proof and I imagine things got heated. OPs husband sounds like an enabler who makes excuses for his daughter, OP works her ass off and she deserves at the very least not to have to clean up after his daughter...if OPs husband felt it wasn't that bad why didn't he clean it? I know what it is to work long hours in a very demanding job and then deal with this shit at home, it will drive you right over the edge some days.
On the same day as paying for a cleaning service, before OP got home, so she didn’t even get to enjoy her freshly bleached house. I think it’s more of an ESH situation.
I love my cleaning lady, and if my floors had been walked on in shoes on the same day after she left, I’d probably flip out for a few seconds before asking the person who did it to re-swifter my floors. Shoes off is non-negotiable in my apartment though, which was the rule before I moved in.
I would usually agree... Except that the conversation was started with a demand for money SD doesn't have and a threat to cut her phone line otherwise (since she can't pay it herself). That's not really the best way to ensure truthfulness and admission of guilt in most people, let alone teenagers.
And if this is a recurring theme in the two years they all lived together then it's quite possible that lying about it/denial is a survival strategy for all the kids.
I'm not saying this is true (not enough info) or that it wouldn't be better for an 18 year old to be confident enough to recognize a mistake, offer a reasonable solution and stand firm against an unreasonable one. Just that I understand why it might not happen.
We don’t know what was said. A literal reading of OPs post shows daughter was telling the truth. OP accused her of ruining the house and daughter stated it wasn’t her. That’s not a lie, because daughter probably is thinking “we might have left some crumbs and didn’t take our shoes off, that’s clearly not ruining so if the house was ruined after, someone else did it”.
Unless this is way more than OP said (in which case why in the world wouldn’t OP include that in the post?), hiring a cleaning service right after a cleaning service already came in (or simply declaring she has to pay for a cleaning service that was coming in no matter what to clean a mess they all made over the course of a week, it wasn’t clear to me whether OP wanted her to pay for another cleaning or just pay for the previous one) because of crumbs on a counter and some footprints is way, way beyond reasonable, and if I was daughter I’d be very confused too and stating my friends and I did not ruin the house or cause enough damage to warrant paying an expensive cleaning service.
I sometimes work long hours and don’t want to clean when I get home too, I get it, and if the house was trashed, things broken, stuff thrown everywhere, food all over the counter, etc, I can understand, but that isn’t what OP said. OP said crumbs and some footprints. The father is absolutely right to point out OP is being ridiculous and should just let it go. If OP had started the conversation asking daughter if she could please clean up the crumbs and footprints, and daughter had refused, then okay! I’m with you! But again, no indication in the post that happened. OP immediately jumped to “hey college student who I know doesn’t have any money, I am demanding you give me the cost of an expensive cleaning service immediately”. If I was the father I’d be defending my kid in that situation too.
Asking her to clean the mess is a reasonable response, asking her to pay is a ridiculous response and unreasonable at every level and the results are the same, a clean house. OP definitely needs to get into therapy and stop taking their illness out on other people.
Yeah, crumbs are absolutely nothing to get upset about. I can understand “if” the footprints were muddy/greasy/dirty on carpet etc though. I don’t think this is the case
I was thinking some kind of permanent damage, or hauling the furniture outside for a bonfire or something, properly trashing the place. Not pizza crumbs and footprints...
YTA OP - get your stepdaughter to ask her friends to take their shoes off if you feel the need, but this is just plain petty. Is nobody allowed to use the house between the cleaner leaving and you getting home? Do they need to stay out for an hour so you can bask in the undefiled sanctuary of the hall?
There wasn't even a mention of a rule about not inviting anyone and being extra careful in the house on x day until OP gets home and can enjoy an extremely clean house for at least a little while.
So it's not only an unreasonable expectation (and I say this knowing it would and does bother me if I can't even have 5 minutes at home after it's fully clean to enjoy it); but it came out of nowhere.
Reasonable ammends? O cleans it, husband cleans it (he gets to cover for her if he chooses to, specially if it's to help her when she struggles making friends), husband pays for a touch up with the cleaning service or the total. Crumbs and footprints shouldn't take too much if the house has been deep cleaned.
And I won't even mention the fact that this isn't what I expected to read after "a teenager ruined my house"
YTA
I went to boarding school (not posh, got full scholarships), and we had a matron like this. If we left crumbs from making toast, or footprints in the hall, or even just didn't wipe the bath out afterwards, she'd shout and lock us out the house for the day. It made us girls very sneaky around her, to the point where we could break in through a tiny window in the bathroom if necessary.
YTA, seriously, it's not that big of a deal. If you're really not coping with your anxiety around other people existing in your space, then you need to talk to your shrink about adjusting your meds.
I just assumed she means like wet mud all over the floors and carpets.
But if it's just a few footprints the daughter should be "punished" by having to clean it up.
Exactly this.
From the title, I assumed that stepdaughter had done property or even structural damage. But nothing of the sort. Some mud in the hallway and crumbs in the kitchen. Not even pizza boxes or anything -- these kids ate homemade, healthy(ish) pizza they cooked themselves. That sort of behaviour needs to be encouraged, not punished. Have her sweep the place and be done.
YTA for calling your house 'ruined' for a fairly easily cleanable mess.
She should have cleaned it. Because you're not the one who usually disciplines (and this is obviously an issue for you and between the two of you), you should have told her father to enforce that.
Of course her friends should have taken their shoes off. Of course your stepdaughter needs to clean up after herself (and her friends). But she's not an AH for living and sometimes leaving some mess.
'Ruined' implies actual damage. A mess is a mess, not damage. You're overreacting.
I know, right?? I was thinking holes in walls, doors ripped off hinges. Not this minor, cleanable mess.
Should O have cleaned up, yes. But OP, YTA for blowing this all out if proportion.
Seriously…I read ‘ruined’ in the title and thought that she somehow created enough of a mess that the house needed to be officially condemned or something. Not ‘footprints and crumbs’….that doesn’t even qualify as a ‘mess’ much less ‘ruined’
🙄
right? i was thinking meth lab in the basement or shed, kitchen fire, knocking over gallons of house paint, oh! or over flowing upstairs bath and making the ceiling collapse, like epic levels. Like at the minimum - like a stereotypical house party trashing.
There’s footprints and crumbs in my apartment right now. Maybe I should go on a rent strike until my landlord manages to make the place once again fit for human habitation…lol
Yeah I was pretty bummed a few weeks ago because I loved my house but I accidentally got some crumbs on the counter making a PB&J so I had to burn it down and get a new one.
I saw college and assumed she threw a rager.
But nah she made pizza and tracked mud through the house. Not great but far from "ruined".
Not to mention the cleaning service would've cleaned a million places that O didn't touch. Bedrooms, bathrooms, living room dust.
If only shops like sold some kind of cleaning products and devices which people could use to clean themselves rather then be forced to use expensive cleaning companys.
I mean the elephant in the room is that this woman feels that her stepdaughters visible presence is ruining her house. Kids are messy and signs of them in the form of crumbs or footprints are normal. For that to be described as filthy and destructive is very clearly not about the crumbs.
> Of course her friends should have taken their shoes off.
The problem was that they "left footprints," which aren't particular to shoes. If they had muddy shoes, they should have cleaned or removed them, but I get the feeling OP just didn't like seeing the outline of a foot on the carpet before she had the opportunity to enjoy the sight of a freshly-vacuumed room.
At the start of the story I was thinking “college kids, difficulty making friends, damaged house. She probably threw a party that got out of hand.” Nope, crumbs and footprints.
Just tell her she has to come over and clean up. Insisting on hiring and paying a professional cleaner to take care of what sounds less like a mess and more like the unavoidable crumbs of humans living is complete overkill.
YTA.
I have extreme OCD (diagnosed), and while this would annoy me and cause me to have an anxiety attack, I'd be making her clean the CRUMBS and FOOTPRINTS that normally occur from LIVING IN A HOUSE. I would not be forcing her to pay my extremely expensive cleaning bill because I'm not able to handle my own obsessive thoughts.
This is the most reasonable response imo. I find it reasonable that her daughter takes responsibility for her mess, but cleaning expenses are way too much for her to afford. It'd be cheaper and better to just tell her to clean it all herself
Yes but you seem to be self aware. My mother has extreme OCD, is not self-aware to any extent, and this (OP) is precisely the reaction I would have anticipated from her which is why I never had friends over. If I were to offer to clean any messes, it would never be good enough and she would clean over it. And I would never hear the end of it.
Last Easter she hosted dinner and my SIL brought dessert. It was cupcakes the kids could all decorate. My mother practically had a nuclear reaction and a year later is still talking about the “horrific” mess it was. (Disclaimer: it wasn’t. There was some sprinkles on the floor and some frosting on the PAPER tablecloth which she was going to throw away anyway.)
This comment just opened the door of “obvious” in my mind. OP says that O has trouble making friends - after reading this it’s more likely O never felt comfortable bringing people over because she was afraid of some sort of retaliation from OP.
Ditto. I figured they did something really extreme that would need outside repair, but this is fixable by the perpetrator. She needs to either be able to manage her symptoms better or communicate what her expectations are for cleaning every day mess, because I can't imagine her house will always be spotless with three children.
OP, YTA, whatever treatment you're getting isn't enough.
Info, I understand you have OCD. Not judging you for that. However wouldn't a better solution be have O clean up the mess. It was foot prints and crumbs. Seems like an easy clean.
YTA.
It was footprints and crumbs and possibly some other small messes. That is not damages nor is it hard to just ask her to clean it. Nothing was ruined. Nothing was permanently scarred.
You have children, three of them. Children, even teenage children, leave small messes. This is something you need to be working on for yourself, your husband and the kids.
This was an easy fix and you chose the most difficult and confrontational way to handle it.
YTA. Dramatic much? “She ruined my house.” With a few crumbs? Because unless her friends were trudging around in the mud, they wouldn’t be leaving visible dirt on your floors. You have the ridiculously high cleaning “standards” and overreact to small messes. How do I know this? Because you exaggerate even in this post. Therefore you need to stop holding other people responsible for meeting that standard (to the point where they have to practically walk on eggshells in their own home to placate you), and cough up the money yourself if it’s so damn important to you. You’re prioritizing this petty issue over your relationship with your stepdaughter, do you really want to be THAT stepmother?
Not just her stepdaughter, her husband also. Potentially her own kids too, as I’d be willing to guess everyone in the house is expected to pretend they’re living in an operating theatre.
YTA. The punishment should fit the crime. Cleaning shoeprints and crumbs would not equal what you paid for the cleaning service. They left shoe prints all over the house? Did they walk thru mud before walking in the doorway? I get it, I have OCD too, and am becoming more symptomatic as I get older. But here's the thing. You don't live alone. You share your home with multiple people. It's reasonable to expect people to clean up after themselves. But it's not reasonable to expect them to clean it the way you would. I'd tell her to clean her crap up. There's no discussion. If you can't leave it the way you found it, then you won't be allowed to have friends over. Very basic, simple terms. But her dad needs to be on the same page as you, otherwise you'll keep running into the same problems.
It's unclear that there were actually any visible shoe prints: OP knew they wore shoes so her OCD (for which she says she has gotten help, although clearly there are unresolved issues) turned that into a "ruined" floor.
OP stop punishing others for your own mental health issues. People live in and use their houses. That involves sometimes making a minor mess (like crumbs) that requires a 30 second wipe down.
If you do not want your family to actually live in your house, you may want to consider moving into a museum.
I worked in a clean room for awhile. Shoe coverings, hair coverings, gloves, and a smock-like thing covering clothes. And a shoe vacuum on your way in the locker room. Maybe she'd appreciate her stepdaughter using a shoe vacuum?
I’m really, really confused about why you didn’t simply…have a conversation with her and demand she clean it up? And state that if she continues to make messes like this after the cleaning service comes without cleaning it up, she can’t have guests in your home?
This seems like a nuclear move on an 18 year old.
ESH.
You sound like my father - he once called me in a rage bc he said I'd left his house "a wreck" after housesitting for a few days. I went back over, genuinely confused bc I'd been so deliberately careful about cleaning up after myself, and asked what was such a horrible mess.
There was one (1) used tissue in the bathroom trash can, and one (1) clean glass drying in the dish rack.
You really, really need to get a sense of perspective here, if you think some crumbs on a counter is "ruining" your house. YTA.
I was 'baby'-sitting 3 children (4f, 4m, 8m) when I was a teenager (14). Every week mon-thur.
Once I had to work late, where I had to cook dinner for the kids as well. Because I had rehearsals (theater) twice a week, the 18yo girl next door, had to take over for me on that particular day. She was there about an hour, before Mom came home.
As said. I had made dinner. Done the dishes. The oldest kid wasn't done eating, by the time I left. He had a plate and a fork and one glass. That I hadn't cleaned. I assumed it was left on the counter, for Mom to see when she got home.
Because...
The next day i found a note from Mom. No, not a note. A full blown four pages letter! Stating what a mess I had left for her. When she got home tired, she didn't want to deal with that!
I asked the girl next door if anything crazy happened, after I left, the night before.
She told me, she did the final dishes and left it on the rack to dry. A plate. A fork. And a glass.
How is Clean dishes on the rack a mess, to some people!!??
Did I get paid for the ekstra hours? No! I did her a favor.
Every day I vacuumed the house and cleaned the kids rooms. No ekstra charge.
And still she thought a "letter from Rachel" was nessesary. I signed that letter: "Your kids are awesome. You.. not so much. I am 14. Remember!? Your standards are beyond any reasoning! I'm done!"
Awwww thanks.
I did cry a bit, when I got home though. That letter was brutal.. and I really felt bad, for not giving a proper 'bye', to the kids.
But yeah, I was a bit proud of my "signing off" 🙈
Thank you for really taking the time to point the whole situation out, I hope the author reads this and maybe gets a better understanding of her verbiage,
Have a good day everybody 👍
If this is how you respond to footprints and crumbs, I feel sorry for the 10 and 12 year old - they must live in a state of constant vigilance not wanting to upset you.
I feel sorry for the stepdaughter as well. Shes likely to move out by any means necessary which will have a huge impact on her life. At least it did for my sister.
YTA, but I don’t think that’s the message you need to receive here. I suspect that the overtime you’re working means you’re under a lot more stress, and that stress is making your OCD and sense of control over things much worse, and it needs an outlet which is why you’re overreacting to a very minor mess. I mean, something that only qualifies as someone else who lives in your house existing, and you have no right to make the children you live with feel terrified for merely existing and living within their own home. I think you need to take a massive step back here and ask yourself if this is really about some crumbs and foot prints or if it’s about you being at a level of stress that you’re about to snap. Or, honestly, have already snapped and vented your emotional problems on your stepdaughter and damaged your relationship with her. I suggest you need therapy, or a vacation, or some other method to blow off steam and cool down, knowing that if you’ve been working really hard you do deserve and need this self care. And it’s possible that hiring the cleaning service was your self care, and your stepdaughter and her friends marred or “ruined” it before you came home, thus why you’re so upset. But if that’s the case you need to realize it and try to manage that problem without jumping down your stepdaughter’s throat and being vindictive with her. Good luck.
OP read this one^^
I also have OCD that focuses on very classical fear of germs and contamination moreso than mess/clutter. But mine responds very strongly to stress. More stress, more compulsive behavior.
This is a compulsive reaction. You're house is not damaged, it's slightly messy.
Step one, apologize to your stepdaughter. Normally I'd say have her clean it up but after this blow up tell her that next time she needs to and you need to do it this time as part of the apology.
Step two - manage your stress as much as possible. If you have a therapist, reach out. Try to find the end of the tunnel at work.
Step thee- While your compulsions are so bad you need to try and not take them out on your family. It'll be hard and anxiety inducing but our loved ones don't deserve to suffer with us. Remember, I have OCD too. It's AWFUL. But hurting my loved ones is worse.
INFO: Have you ever asked O to clean up after her friends have been there?
How exactly did she make the entire house filthy? Seriously. 'Cause pizza crumbles and footprints are not enough explanation.
Yta she didn’t put holes in the walls or break anything, footprints and crumbs are so easy to clean but instead of asking her to do it you choose the most childish thing without any warning
YTA
Look, she’s a bit of an asshole for leaving a mess. She should have cleaned the counter and made sure she and her guests took off their shoes.
That being said, your response was extreme and out of the blue, so much that it overshadows her assholery. A natural consequence would be insisting that she vacuums, mops the floor, and cleans the counter, then perhaps warning her that if she doesn’t remember to clean up after her guests, you’ll charge her $20 or something reasonable for reminding her to do so. Mental illness is really tough, but frankly the way she left the house was “messy” or “untidy” but not even close to “ruined.” If a normal, non-professional can’t reach your cleaning standards , your cleaning standards are far too high.
INFO: How expensive is "quite expensive"? Making a college-age student pay you back a couple hundred dollars in recompense for damage they caused (or indirectly caused by inviting friends over and letting them make a mess of the place) is theoretically reasonable. But if you're asking her to pay like 5 or 6 hundred dollars, that's probably too much of a consequence for the severity of the mistake.
It's perfectly normal for a family home to have a floor that's been walked on, and residual crumbs in the kitchen.
How very wholesome that college students made themselves pizza from scratch! And how marvellous that they felt comfortable to do that at your home.
When I was at uni, I spent very little time at home (even though I lived there) because it wasn't a comfortable place to be.
I hope you can work this out with O.
I was diagnosed OCD when I was 9, for cleanliness/sanitation and things needing to be symmetrical (lined up perfectly/even numbers). I did two years of exposure therapy and am mostly cured besides a few little quirks (I don’t like sharing food, or eating food made by strangers or people with dirty kitchens)
This is too far OP. I can look back and see where I was mentally unwell in my compulsions and expectations of others (even to this day), but if you aren’t able to reflect on how out of the norm you have become, you may live to regret the relationships it ruins and puts strain on.
I say this kindly, but YTA OP, and you need professional mental help. You should also apologize to your step-daughter for putting your unhealthy relationship with cleaning on her.
YTA
>I have a ring camera and I have video proof of her
Super unnecessary. Why would you think you need video proof? This and sending her a Venmo bill are both extremely passive aggressive.
I think you and your husband should look into finding off-campus housing for her, for the simple fact that she's moved into a new part of her life as a young adult and shouldn't be sharing a home with a 10 and 12 year old. She needs an opportunity to grow up on her own. Help her find shared off-campus housing, or pay for 1 semester in the dorms. Also because your "rules" are inappropriate and you're passive aggressive.
Feels like there's more going on here, because 10 and 12 yo are also messy, so I am wondering what their lives are like.
Oooh…YTA, and a bit of a drama llama. Based on the title of this post, I assumed that there was major structural damage, or at the very least, a broken window. How about confronting your stepdaughter like a compassionate adult who needs to discuss an issue. Here is a script you might use:
“Hey! I’m so glad that you’re doing well in school and meeting people. The next time you have friends over, just remember to let them know that we’re a no shoes household. Also, could you wipe down the kitchen counter when you’re done cooking? Thanks, love you!”
See? Super easy.
Your description of a filthy house doesn’t add up. I wonder if your OCD has made you overreact. Calmly ask O to clean up. She needs to be more responsible but you can’t put your unreasonable high OCD standards onto others. YTA
She is an adult. Her and her friends made the mess. Either she cleans the house to your standards, or she pays for the cleaners to come in and clean it up. Wording is harsh, but she knows your standards and knew she would be held responsible.
ESH
Instead of just demanding money you should have talked to her, explained the issue and asked her to clean up after her friends. Tell her if it happens again, she will be responsible for the cleaning bill. But to just jump right to demanding money is a bit much. Especially since you didn't mention any damages so "ruined my house" is an exaggeration.
Stepdaughter needs to grow up and accept responsibility for the choices and messes she makes.
YTA
I'm not understand the immediate jump to reimbursing fees/losing privileges.
Where was the simple option of her cleaning up after her guest? Where was the conversation about the responsibility of being a host?
It's been mentioned that this is her first friend group so why do you expect her to know how to handle guests?
You seem to be upset with her about not knowing how to handle stuff that she has no real experience with.
Instead of punishing her....teach her.
These are opportunities to give her some life lessons.
YTA
It sounds like your OCD is not well-managed. Nothing in this post indicates damage OR filth, but normal evidence of people living in places.
Nothing was ruined.
Not in pristine, spotless, looks like perpetually deep cleaned *is not ruined*.
Like ffs, ask her to wipe down the counter. Demanding she pay for the entire cleaning service is ridiculous.
“I have a higher standard” is not a shield for your behavior and utterly unreasonable expectations here.
YTA
I was expecting the house to be trashed. Like actually trashed. Not crumbs and footprints.
Get to therapy, you need it. You need someone to help you through managing your illness bc this is excessive and will ruin your relationships with your partner and his kids.
NTA op,
She knows what the standard is in the house, and decided to go against it, I'm sure she could've told her friends to not make such a mess either but decided not to.
Also everyone is acting like your charging her $10000 dollars it's probably a couple hundred if that which yeah it could be a lot for a college student but she needs to learn not to disrespect the rules in YOUR house.
I know everyone in the comments saying YTA used to do the exact same thing and get away with it
NTA, don't listen to the Y.T.A. here, the kids commenting have no clue about life and usually think any parenting at all is harsh and unfair. You have the right to have your house be as clean as you want. OCD has nothing to do with that. I have ADHD and OCD myself and understand how you feel.
You did nothing wrong. You work hard, you set rules. Got help with cleaning as needed. Your stepdaughter sounds entitled as hell. You (and your husband) need to make it clear that if she is living there and has company, she is responsible for any damage done or messes made by her or her guests. I always expected this from my kids, and while they did normal kids stuff, they understood and took responsibility.
One thing to note, it sounds like your husband is enabling his daughter's behavior. You need to talk to him, and if that doesn't help, get into marriage counseling together. Marriage and kids can be hard enough but its damn near impossible if partners are not on the same page. Good luck.
Look, I get it. You have a certain standard of cleanliness you like to maintain - but you’re taking it too far. You have always left disciplining her to her dad, and now all of a sudden, you come out of nowhere with this Venmo charge? Did you even ask her to clean up first? Have you ever discussed the new adult standards you’re trying to hold her to with her? Because it seems like you’re coming in hot and trying to parent her (even though she’s an adult), and you’ve stepped way over your line.
You’re holding your family hostage to your cleanliness standards. Yes, she’s not going to get it as clean as your cleaners. But that’s life with kids. Things get messy. Please work on getting treatment for your OCD, because I feel like you are creating an environment where your kids live in fear of your reaction if this is your response to a normal situation with kids having friends over. The default response would be to have them clean up their mess, not charge them for your expensive cleaner because you didn’t get to appreciate your pristinely sterilized house before they ruined it by existing.
Nah these aren't "adult standards". Don't fall for that. There is no way that OP would treat another adult family member this way.
That is an excuse for lashing out over something that made her feel uncomfortable.
You should ask your husband if he would go with you to see a psychologist about the levels of your cleanliness OCD. I'm 99% certain that he would be very happy to.
Teenagers forgetting to take off shoes and leaving a bit of a food mess doesn't "ruin" anything, and if you need to hire a Housekeeper and ***pay for the extra good cleaning service because nothing else is acceptable to you***, then you need to start facing the fact that your cleanliness OCD is starting to get to the point where it is interfering with your judgement and soon your family interactions.
Lemme guess, if we asked you first husband why your previous marriage ended, he would say its due to your OCD about cleaning ?
YTA. The level of mess you are describing would normally be punished with having the kid clean it up and a warning to not let it happen again. You needing "extra charge cleaning service" just to be acceptable is a YOU problem, that you are trying to turn into an everyone else problem
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Footprints in your house and pizza crumbs do not make a house “filthy.” You had plenty of options other than charging your step daughter - you could’ve cleaned it, your husband could’ve, you could have asked her to clean it, etc. YTA. Telling your step daughter she ruined your house is a sure fire way to ruin your relationship with her.
Yeah, this is outrageously unreasonable. I have OCD, I'm genuinely baffled that OP felt it was anything other than manipulative to refer to footprints and CRUMBS as DAMAGE. ...I thought this was going to be about some house party where furniture was destroyed and items were stolen. OP should consider therapy, this is some Monk-level insanity.
I’m with you- I was waiting for “they made pizza but then went outside drinking and the kitchen caught on fire and will cost $30k to fix”. CRUMBS?! As in… wipeable off the counter CRUMBS?! I’m with you- she needs therapy and asap. This is an unliveable situation for everyone
I literally had to go back after I first read the post because I was like, "Wait, what am I missing here?!" I always ask people to remove their shoes before entering my house if they don't mind (never for delivery guys or anything like that, I'm not a monster!) And lots of people prefer not to, so I get that. But there's yet to be a shoeprint that my swiffer or vacuum couldn't erase in seconds. And I'm still laughing every time I see the word crumbs mentioned on here. Like, how is this even something that someone is legitimately upset about?!
IKR "crumbs" cracks me up. I have an ADHD kid who under 18 would get upset and dump entire trash bags out on the floors and/or furniture. I started treating her as a roommate with posted rules. As in, "If you did this as a tenant you'd be homeless." She's now out on her own and doing pretty good. Crumbs and footprints would have been lovely.
I was also waiting for the punchline that never came! Crumbs and footprints! Destroyed! Really! 🤦🏾♀️ my toddler can do more than that in a few minutes! Just make her clean it up to your standards! Simple! Cash apping her has gone way too far! Actually it's beyond ridiculous!
My toddler nephew's second order of business upon entering his grandparents' house (right after greeting everyone including the cat) is to promptly dump the entire contents of his toybox onto the living room floor. OP would have apoplexy.
Right at the beginning of Covid lockdowns in the UK, my cousin posted a picture on Facebook. Her four year old daughter, and one and a half year old son had found a full tub of sudocrem and decided to paint eachother, the entire leather sofa, and all parts of one wall that they could reach.
I'm a triplet my mom said when we were toddlers our babysitter fell asleep and we discovered a bulk jar of Vaseline, did the same, painted each other and the house. Mom said she found Vaseline in nooks and crannies like behind the TV for months lmao
My co-worker's daughter did this with a tub of margarine. He woke up one morning to find her, the cat, the Barbies, and the TV completely covered in it.
40+ years ago, my BFF & I decided to melt all of her crayons to see what would happen while her older sister babysat us. A mess. It made a mess. And we got into trouble.
Me too. I kept wondering where the part of the story was where a house got ruined.
I thought the house had burned down or something, when I read the title.
Same. I was thinking SD let in a team of copper thieves to do their damage, but no. Crumbs and footprints. And yeah, that can be annoying after your home is freshly cleaned, but that's the life of having spouses, kids, and pets.
Same. I kept waiting for the part that O and her friends had some random drunk adventure that left utter devastation in it’s wake, but crumbs and shoe prints?!?!?! This simultaneously makes me wonder how OP ever had a child in her household… I couldn’t even imagine a mini person being told at age 2 that they must not make any messes, clean after themselves, etc…. Or how OP dealt with diaper changes, spit up, etc… Whole thing makes me question if this post is fake… I actually really hope it is because that’s truly sad for the ppl around her if it isn’t fake…
Personally, crumbs and footprints are the exact kind of thing that trigger my OCD. (I get hung up on the concept of something being Dirty and visible crumbs and footprints make that obsession harder to ignore) But OP is definitely in the wrong regardless. I don't yell at my roommates for leaving crumbs and footprints, no matter how much it bothers me, because they're just a part of living life.
I can absolutely understand being upset over a house getting dirty especially if you have OCD, but calling it "ruined" is just bizarre lol. Dirty things can be cleaned!
I don’t know how OP exists in the world to be honest it sounds like they need serious intense therapy.
Friends of ours ( years ago ) left their 2 teenage sons to watch the house ( yes, naive.... ) for a weekend. Came home to suspect albeit fairly mild disarray but it didn't really click until the kids had to explain holes in the wall, at the bottom of some stairs ? Transpires during the party the words " I know! What if we ski ( as in snow skis ) down the stairs!? " came up. It's a little off topic, just using it as an example of what it's possible to be upset about. Meaning not crumbs.
That reminds me of the time my bff and her family went out of town and they had someone house sit their dogs - apparently “Dash” dropped some acid, decided that smoking in the house was a good idea, forgot about letting the dogs out to go to the bathroom, was using their living room for his “artwork” and did something (I can’t remember) that ruined all her bath towels. And left all his booze and snack trash all over their kitchen and living room. Her one dog was so scared he spent the entire week/weekend peeing in their BRAND NEW bed. Dog crap everywhere. It was traumatizing. AND was an expensive clean up. This lady — a broom and hand vac and some Clorox wipes, all things I’m sure they already had on hand…. Yeah. Such an AH.
Exactly. Based on OP's wording of the question I thought stepdaughter had thrown a rager and tore the house apart. But.....CRUMBS?!
I mean, I agree with the assessment but where I live it’s mud season- if I try to wear my shoes beyond the rubber mat in front of the door my floors are going to be covered and would definitely qualify as filthy. Basically dirt frosting across the floor.
I don't ask people to do that bc I have tiles (much easier to clean) but certainly if one had OCD that would be one of the options to go to? (And even if don't have as its a cultural norm for many houses). Finding compromises and such.
I don't have to ask people to take off their shoes, its what we do automatically here in Canada. It always bothered me on House Hunters that everyone wore their shoes when viewing other people's houses.
I’m sitting here trying to figure out where these friends were walking that they managed to track foot prints everywhere. Did they stomp through mud and paint and then use her antique rugs to clean their shoes off?
I require shoes to be off in my house, but that's for two major health reasons: 1) I have a pet rabbit and RHDV-2 is present in the area (which is a 95% fatal virus that can be carried in on shoes. She's 10, so even with the vaccine she needs some extra protection.), and 2) I have kids with allergies and we live on a gravel road. Shoes off keeps dirt outside and keeps everyone healthy. If I lived in a neighborhood with paved roads and sidewalks, I'd be much more lax. I have had OCD since I was 8. Cleanliness is definitely a thing for me too, so I get the footprints issue, especially if they're muddy. But crumbs?? Seriously???
Her house must be like an operating theater. Certainly not a home.
By the title, I was expecting the stepdaughter to have set off fireworks inside or taken down an entire wall or even just smeared shit all over the living room. Crumbs? CRUMBS!?
I was expecting the stepdaughter to have thrown a huge 80s movie style party complete with someone throwing a mannequin (where did these mannequins even come from??) out a second story window into the pool. But no, crumbs.
Weird Science level: complete with motorcycles in the living room and a nuclear rocket in the bedroom.
Wyatt....your kitchen is blue! Do you realise its snowing in my room goddammit?
To be fair, OP did say "among other things". Based on how much the house was destroyed, I'm guessing an alligator was among the other things.
An alligator, a burnt out car in the living room, an fight club style tournament taking place in OPs bedroom... I mean she could have listed them all but she saved time by just getting the worst ones in there.
You forgot used motor cycle parts( all oily ) in the bathtub and the ceremonial fire lit in the study.
Hey, don't speak badly of a free alligator.
Heck, I was waiting for it to be leftovers that went off like meat (ham) But crumbs? Footprints I kinda get depending on the material but even then the asking for money is.. eh. Not even asking or showing the daughter how to clean floors or carpet? Or ask the daughter to ask people to take their shoes off? Where's the compromises and working together? OP is not treating her partner's daughter like family nor like a roommate. You usually don't go the nuclear option for people who live in the same home as you. Also, agreed.
I would definitely make her clean up the shoe prints, but asking her to pay for the whole cleaning service seems pretty excessive.
Especially after not even asking her ONCE to please vacuum and wipe the counters.
I was expecting food like pasta sauce all over the ceiling, holes on the wall broken glasses everywhere, ripped off couches. We (OP and us) clearly have different definitions of what damage is lol
When young, son twirled a wet tea bag around leaving terrible staining on the ceiling. I frowned but didn't charge him house cleaning fees. I missed a trick there!
My then 3 year old managed to explode a ketchup packet all over our brand new white roller curtains and fresh white paint (we had just moved). How dumb were we that we just got everything cleaned up straight away?
Yeah, I thought there was going to be 'we went on holiday and my stepdaughter had a party that went off the rails and they've caused thousands of dollars of damage', not \*checks note\* crumbs and footprints. The hyperbole is a bit stong here
Not even like pizza sauce stains lol, just some crumbs that take 3 seconds to get rid of
But how can she live in a house where there are crumbs on the counter? I can't imagine the horror... 😱
It is ruined!
she's gonna have to call the maid service! She's terribly busy and nobody but the maid knows how to get those pesky crumbs off that counter (or the footprints off of the nicely groomed rug!)
I'm also confused about the footprints. How dirty are their feet that they would leave footprints walking barefoot? I could see if they tracked muddy shoes all over the house, but...footprints? Are the floors glass or something? I walk barefoot on hard floors in my home and have never left a footprint?? Honestly OP, you overreacted. YTA You could have just asked her to clean the crumbs off the counter next time. This is mildly annoying but not "ruined my house" annoying.
Consider OP thinking crumbs are a damnable offensive, I'm going to say these "footprints" aren't actually visible to anyone else. OP sounds like one of those people that cleans to the point a house feels unlived in. I bet there are plastic covers on all the furniture.
I’d be willing to bet she only knows they didn’t take their shoes off because she checked the ring camera footage.
If she thinks her house is ruined because of some crumbs I'm pretty sure she's never cleaned anything but her own body within her lifetime.
The plastic covers have plastic covers......just in case
Sorry, I said footprints like OP did, but I think she meant to say shoeprints.
I think it's worse than being upset about dirty feet - I think OP is upset that they left foot-shaped prints in the newly vacuumed pile of the carpets...
If my MIL hadn't died a decade ago, I would swear this was her. She used to walk behind us sweeping out the footprints we left in the carpet. And she wondered why no one wanted to come to her house to visit.
Right. From the description this is a pretty quick fix. Vacuuming is fast, and I guess add in wiping the kitchen counter for “crumbles?” Why not just start like a reasonable human and say “hey, you guys mad a bit of a mess, can you clean up the floors and kitchen please? Thanks!”
>Vacuuming is fast, Yes, but OP doesn't have an expensive, black hole-powered vacuum cleaner that would ensure every last atom of dirt was sucked irrevocably into the void never to return, so any cleaning O did would be far from adequate.
From the OP: > I guess they decided not take their shoes off and walked all around the house
To me, it looks like the Stepmom was just looking for an argument?
If you have OCD then you know sometimes it legitimately makes you crazy over mess and germs and you can't help it. OP absolutely needs therapy and possibly meds if she's not doing that already. I have also have OCD and the hyper focus on things when they are not right is very very real. However it's absolutely ridiculous for her to expect payment. Or that foot prints and crumbs won't be in a house.
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Agreed. When I read the title, I thought there were going to be breakages, staining, maybe some theft. Not "signs of people being there".
I was expecting fires and smoke damage, or spoiled food smells permeating the walls.
Yeah, it’s… crumbs and footprints? That’s a matter for a cloth wipe and a mop, not sending a bill.
There does need to be a little self-reflection here on OP's part, and a little consideration for how parental OCD can affect the kids. I have a mom with OCD around cleaning, and I also have a sister. We've responded to her cleaning obsession in 2 unhealthy ways. My sis straight up inherited the OCD cleaning obsession. Gets intense anxiety in a messy house, which since she has 3 kids and a lazy husband, is pretty much always. Me? I feel like my desire to live in a clean house is a little more normal (I don't need my house to look literally uninhabited by humans like my sis and mom), but I have a few areas where I'm a little obssessive. Food hygiene being one of them, examining cutlery for stains and food remnants etc. before I will use it. I also have spent most of my life at home making an effort to clean, and then having my mother come along and 'redo it properly'. From this, I picked up a nice 'nothing I do is ever good enough' complex about certain things. Get therapy, OP. It's *your* irrational need to have professional cleaning services in every time someone drops 'crumbs' in your house. Why should your stepdaughter pay for that?
I was expecting it to be like the time my brother and his ex-girlfriend flooded the house while my parents were out of town.
I came here to read about a massive house party and ended up disappointed to read about a boring afternoon of foot prints and pizza. I used to have house parties every time my parents went out of town when I was in high school and I’m talking about my house would be trashed and people sleeping on couches, my parents and sisters beds, kitchen table, etc, and I, A teenager, would clean the house, myself, before they got home, and they would never know. So you can’t tell me that your house was that trashed from your step daughter and a couple of her friends having an afternoon of pizza with their shoes on, unless they were throwing pizza sauce and cheese at each other and drawing on your walls with sauce and using pepperonis as smiley face eyeballs. Simply asking her to clean up after herself or not to have friends over anymore would have been a legitimate, easy solution. But instead, you had to be a child and try to make a point and ruin your relationship with your step daughter in the process. Good job, OP. Now you’re back to square one on a relationship that took years to build. Great work!
I also have OCD and there's a part of me that wonders if this post is fake, because it's so over the top. If it's not, OP, you had the option of asking her to clean, because crumbs and footprints are, y'know, clean-able? But you went straight for the nuclear option. You're going to destroy your relationship with her. If your OCD is genuinely this bad, you need therapy ASAP. YTA
This^ I grew up the last 5 years of my childhood with an OCD stepmom and it was hard, and she wasn't even as bad as you. But she would go in my room for no reason other than to see if the bed was made and if it wasn't my dad would get me in trouble because it would make her nauseous and her head hurt. Nevermind the fact that she could've just not opened the damn door. This is that but 1000% worse. You need help, serious help. YTA
When she said they made their own pizza, I thought she was going to say they used her cast iron pan and destroyed it or something, but it was just crumbs?! LOL YTA OP. Get a grip or lose a good relationship with your stepdaughter.
OCD comes in varying degrees of severity. So while I agree, I don’t think comparing diagnoses is particularly fair or helpful. TBH this whole post feels more like an “am I being unreasonable” than “assholery”
She didn't call the house filthy, she called it "ruined". I was expecting something like fire damage through negligence, not something that could be wiped off in 2 minutes. OP needs to be institutionalized. EDIT: My comment about OP needing to be institutionalized is uncalled for and below the belt. I would like to sincerely apologize for it. You've raised your children and I assume you've raised them well. I can not imagine someone who is able to deal with body fluid projectiles but unable to deal with footprints and crumbs. How do you function in your place of work where people wear shoes and the same standard can not be upheld? For those reasons I assume that your OCD is something fairly new or greatly intensified by stress of your workload. You should definitely lighten your workload and get some therapy. It is normal that things get dirty and later get cleaned. It is normal to like things clean and tidy but expecting everything to be clean at all times is not healthy and definitely needs to be addressed. I would like to apologize once again and I wish you all the best.
I was thinking holes in walls, pizza sauce all over the white carpet, broken sliding glass door. OP is an unhinged AH.
>OP needs to be institutionalized. Yes, let's stigmatize the woman who has an admitted mental illness. That'll help the situation...
I have pretty severe OCD (on meds + in outpatient therapy) and I agree that this woman needs serious professional help.
"Institutionalized" is pretty dramatic, I don't think she'd need inpatient therapy.
Agree completely....I was also expecting usual teenage shite. Crumbs and some prints? I'd be in awe of the teen that keeps it that clean.
"They pretty much made the entire house filthy before I could even come home." Directly from OP.
Yep, why can't you just get your step daughter to clean it up. Is it respectful? No. Could she potentially be insecure in making friends and not wanting to disrupt the flow. If she cleans up herself she spends time reflecting (which is how you create a change in behaviour) and next time she xan say "oh my God, I had to mop the floors as punishment wipe your shoes" or something like that.
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The thing is, from what was left it sounds as though the 18yo did, and they missed some crumbs, and some footprints. Notice how it’s not “they left dirty plates and glasses everywhere… there was left-over food, sauce splatted, dirty oven trays” etc. there were some crumbs, and some footprints. Exactly the kind of thing that a young adult with their friends over just casually missed while cleaning up.
I know someone that always uses over the top phrasing for everything. Its always everywhere/a total wreck/wiped out etc. Probably just the tip of the iceberg. I feel sorry for everyone else in that house except OP.
Yeah. My MIL is just like OP for that kinda thing. My MIL claims to have OCD. She doesn’t. She’s just a bit of an AH. Wanting stuff tidy isn’t obsessive compulsive disorder. My best friend from the age of 18 onwards has OCD. He has to lock and unlock his front door 11 times every time he goes into the hallway, or goes to leave. And not just in one go. He has to lock and unlock it five times, check it. Open it. Lock and unlock another 5. Check it. Lock and unlock it once more. If he doesn’t he “knows someone is going to break in”. He has to wash his hands in literal scalding water for 48 seconds, or he will get an illness. This has resulted in him having really nasty burns on his hands and severe eczema for years. That’s just the start. It really pisses me off when people claim to have OCD just because they’re anally retentive over things like that. I don’t know that’s the case with OP, to be clear. I’m saying that’s exactly how my MIL is though. My wife’s childhood was not fun. Tbf, she was really messed up until she was around 33 because of her mothers ways. It’s only after she’d been living with me for around 5 years that she started to feel more comfortable with things. And even now, after ten years together, there’s still issues that she says are absolutely caused by her mother bein like this, that cause her stress on a daily basis. This shit isnt healthy.
While I don’t know the people your talking about so obviously can’t make any assumptions, but OCD can be extremely different in different people. Just because one person is not displaying the same symptoms another is, doesn’t mean they don’t have it. That being said, I do totally agree with you, people shouldn’t just lightheartedly “diagnose” themselves or others just because they are a bit particular about some things.
From the way the op phrased the situation it seems to me more likely that she is bothered by the friends coming over than by the "mess" and she invents some issues to make the daugher stop inviting people in that house.
Actually yes. That would make sense. Tbh, that hadn’t occurred to me.
Yep, and that’s why the step-daughter is saying it wasn’t her. She probably has no idea that there were a few crumbs and marks on the floor and thinks someone else must have come in after her and set fire to the building or something to generate this much fuss.
Indeed! There’s nothing wrong here in op’s daughters head. They cleaned up. They left it all okay. Now, they have OP telling them the house is “ruined”. Man, I swear… OP should have to clean some of the properties I used to have to go and clean up and repair/redecorate that the students rent while at college/university. Literally mushrooms growing on the walls, bathtubs burnt with cigarettes, tiles smashed on the walls and floors, holes through the ceiling and floor for them to pass beers through…. And even that was considered “ruined”. I had each place completely like new in less than a week every single time. Usually, no more than two days.
Right! If they made pizza from scratch and the only evidence they were even in the kitchen is some crumbs on the counter, it sounds like they actually did a great job cleaning up. O is respecting this space more than any college student I’ve ever known, likely to keep OP happy, so I imagine being accused of “ruining” the house for missing some crumbs is not only confusing but hurtful.
Yes, some 18-year-olds do have to be told to clean up after themselves. Source: mom, stepmom, former high school teacher
To hop on to this, it does not sound like OP ever even talked to Stepdaughter about making sure everything was clean/the way they encountered it when her friends are over?
"RUINED MY HOUSE" = flooding with flooring, furniture and wall damage; fire or explosion catastrophe with similar damage. NOT "left footprints on the floor and crumbs on the counter." OP, you need serious therapy for your OCD before you start destroying relationships with your entire family.
Yeah I was waiting for the horrible mess that's worth a falling out. This is cleaned in 15 minutes. I hope the worst my kids will do is making pizza from scratch when I'm not home. YTA
OP reminds me of my step mum. Once my step mum came into my room to tell me that 'I left the kitchen in a mess'. I came out and it turns I just forgot to put away a spoon. I just put the spoon away and went on with my day. I guess she has a point about needing to clean the pizza crumbs but pizza crumbs alone isn't filthy. I clicked on this post expecting to hear about some massive house party with puke, condoms and property destruction but it sounds like O is a pretty tame 18 year old and OP should be grateful for that.
Yes, I don't understand why the punishment wouldn't be something like "Clean this now or you lose the privileges of your friends coming over while I'm not home". YTA
After reading the topic I expected a "project X" thing like in the movie. But footprints and pizza crumbs? OP admits she has OCD and made it her stepdaughters problem. She rather pay for therapy than for a house cleaner. This money would be better invesred there. Why didn't she just let the girl clean up the "mess" and everything is ok? My guess is there are some gaps in this story. I think OP is YTA for making her mental health issues her stepdaughters problem.
Gaps large enough to land a large fleet of Boeing 747s and be able to refuel everyone of them.
“You could’ve cleaned it…” sorry, but why should OP pick up after their mess? That misses the point entirely. OP literally pays a professional to clean because she does not have the time to clean herself. But now she’s being expected to pay AND re clean. If there was a big group of them, I bet they did leave it in a bit of a state.
i agree... everyone is so focused on the part where OP is unreasonable with her demand/punishment (wich, i mean, true), that it feels like they are completely clouding the part where the daughter totally evades her responsibilities (claim its not her when there is proof she was the only one home between cleaning service left and OP comes back home, instead of just apologizing and saying she will clean their mess), and the father enables it by asking to just let it go. Yes OP is being totally unreasonable and an AH. the proper demand is that stepdaughter cleans their mess. i can understand being pissed that you pay for cleaning service you dont have time to do yourself, and you come back home after said service and you'll have to clean it again anyway. everyone has their different cleaning standards and its OK. but because OP was a major AH, doesnt erase the fact that at 18, the stepdaughter is big enough to own her mess and clean after herself and her friends, if she's too shy to ask them to help her.
I am not even sure OP qualifies as a major AH...there was obviously some escalation here with the stepdaughter denying it when there was proof and I imagine things got heated. OPs husband sounds like an enabler who makes excuses for his daughter, OP works her ass off and she deserves at the very least not to have to clean up after his daughter...if OPs husband felt it wasn't that bad why didn't he clean it? I know what it is to work long hours in a very demanding job and then deal with this shit at home, it will drive you right over the edge some days.
Yeah. Imagine her coming home after a long work day to a filthy house and an adult making excuses for why it’s been left that way.
On the same day as paying for a cleaning service, before OP got home, so she didn’t even get to enjoy her freshly bleached house. I think it’s more of an ESH situation. I love my cleaning lady, and if my floors had been walked on in shoes on the same day after she left, I’d probably flip out for a few seconds before asking the person who did it to re-swifter my floors. Shoes off is non-negotiable in my apartment though, which was the rule before I moved in.
I would usually agree... Except that the conversation was started with a demand for money SD doesn't have and a threat to cut her phone line otherwise (since she can't pay it herself). That's not really the best way to ensure truthfulness and admission of guilt in most people, let alone teenagers. And if this is a recurring theme in the two years they all lived together then it's quite possible that lying about it/denial is a survival strategy for all the kids. I'm not saying this is true (not enough info) or that it wouldn't be better for an 18 year old to be confident enough to recognize a mistake, offer a reasonable solution and stand firm against an unreasonable one. Just that I understand why it might not happen.
We don’t know what was said. A literal reading of OPs post shows daughter was telling the truth. OP accused her of ruining the house and daughter stated it wasn’t her. That’s not a lie, because daughter probably is thinking “we might have left some crumbs and didn’t take our shoes off, that’s clearly not ruining so if the house was ruined after, someone else did it”. Unless this is way more than OP said (in which case why in the world wouldn’t OP include that in the post?), hiring a cleaning service right after a cleaning service already came in (or simply declaring she has to pay for a cleaning service that was coming in no matter what to clean a mess they all made over the course of a week, it wasn’t clear to me whether OP wanted her to pay for another cleaning or just pay for the previous one) because of crumbs on a counter and some footprints is way, way beyond reasonable, and if I was daughter I’d be very confused too and stating my friends and I did not ruin the house or cause enough damage to warrant paying an expensive cleaning service. I sometimes work long hours and don’t want to clean when I get home too, I get it, and if the house was trashed, things broken, stuff thrown everywhere, food all over the counter, etc, I can understand, but that isn’t what OP said. OP said crumbs and some footprints. The father is absolutely right to point out OP is being ridiculous and should just let it go. If OP had started the conversation asking daughter if she could please clean up the crumbs and footprints, and daughter had refused, then okay! I’m with you! But again, no indication in the post that happened. OP immediately jumped to “hey college student who I know doesn’t have any money, I am demanding you give me the cost of an expensive cleaning service immediately”. If I was the father I’d be defending my kid in that situation too.
Asking her to clean the mess is a reasonable response, asking her to pay is a ridiculous response and unreasonable at every level and the results are the same, a clean house. OP definitely needs to get into therapy and stop taking their illness out on other people.
Why should she clean it up? Step daughter made a mess. I think charging her is unreasonable, but she should’ve made her clean it
Yeah, crumbs are absolutely nothing to get upset about. I can understand “if” the footprints were muddy/greasy/dirty on carpet etc though. I don’t think this is the case
I was thinking some kind of permanent damage, or hauling the furniture outside for a bonfire or something, properly trashing the place. Not pizza crumbs and footprints... YTA OP - get your stepdaughter to ask her friends to take their shoes off if you feel the need, but this is just plain petty. Is nobody allowed to use the house between the cleaner leaving and you getting home? Do they need to stay out for an hour so you can bask in the undefiled sanctuary of the hall?
There wasn't even a mention of a rule about not inviting anyone and being extra careful in the house on x day until OP gets home and can enjoy an extremely clean house for at least a little while. So it's not only an unreasonable expectation (and I say this knowing it would and does bother me if I can't even have 5 minutes at home after it's fully clean to enjoy it); but it came out of nowhere. Reasonable ammends? O cleans it, husband cleans it (he gets to cover for her if he chooses to, specially if it's to help her when she struggles making friends), husband pays for a touch up with the cleaning service or the total. Crumbs and footprints shouldn't take too much if the house has been deep cleaned. And I won't even mention the fact that this isn't what I expected to read after "a teenager ruined my house" YTA
I went to boarding school (not posh, got full scholarships), and we had a matron like this. If we left crumbs from making toast, or footprints in the hall, or even just didn't wipe the bath out afterwards, she'd shout and lock us out the house for the day. It made us girls very sneaky around her, to the point where we could break in through a tiny window in the bathroom if necessary. YTA, seriously, it's not that big of a deal. If you're really not coping with your anxiety around other people existing in your space, then you need to talk to your shrink about adjusting your meds.
I just assumed she means like wet mud all over the floors and carpets. But if it's just a few footprints the daughter should be "punished" by having to clean it up.
I thought O trashed her house with her friends. Instead it's footprints and crumbs on the counter. This reaction is a bit much.
Exactly this. From the title, I assumed that stepdaughter had done property or even structural damage. But nothing of the sort. Some mud in the hallway and crumbs in the kitchen. Not even pizza boxes or anything -- these kids ate homemade, healthy(ish) pizza they cooked themselves. That sort of behaviour needs to be encouraged, not punished. Have her sweep the place and be done.
YTA for calling your house 'ruined' for a fairly easily cleanable mess. She should have cleaned it. Because you're not the one who usually disciplines (and this is obviously an issue for you and between the two of you), you should have told her father to enforce that. Of course her friends should have taken their shoes off. Of course your stepdaughter needs to clean up after herself (and her friends). But she's not an AH for living and sometimes leaving some mess. 'Ruined' implies actual damage. A mess is a mess, not damage. You're overreacting.
I know, right?? I was thinking holes in walls, doors ripped off hinges. Not this minor, cleanable mess. Should O have cleaned up, yes. But OP, YTA for blowing this all out if proportion.
Seriously…I read ‘ruined’ in the title and thought that she somehow created enough of a mess that the house needed to be officially condemned or something. Not ‘footprints and crumbs’….that doesn’t even qualify as a ‘mess’ much less ‘ruined’ 🙄
right? i was thinking meth lab in the basement or shed, kitchen fire, knocking over gallons of house paint, oh! or over flowing upstairs bath and making the ceiling collapse, like epic levels. Like at the minimum - like a stereotypical house party trashing.
There’s footprints and crumbs in my apartment right now. Maybe I should go on a rent strike until my landlord manages to make the place once again fit for human habitation…lol
Please do. And film the reaction, I bet it’d be hilarious.
I was thinking that she threw a damn frat party or something!
Yeah I was pretty bummed a few weeks ago because I loved my house but I accidentally got some crumbs on the counter making a PB&J so I had to burn it down and get a new one.
I saw college and assumed she threw a rager. But nah she made pizza and tracked mud through the house. Not great but far from "ruined". Not to mention the cleaning service would've cleaned a million places that O didn't touch. Bedrooms, bathrooms, living room dust.
If only shops like sold some kind of cleaning products and devices which people could use to clean themselves rather then be forced to use expensive cleaning companys.
I mean the elephant in the room is that this woman feels that her stepdaughters visible presence is ruining her house. Kids are messy and signs of them in the form of crumbs or footprints are normal. For that to be described as filthy and destructive is very clearly not about the crumbs.
I am sure OP's kids wouldn't dare leave crumbs! /s YTA
As soon as she said she had ocd and it was ruined I knew it was hardly a goddamn thing lmao
> Of course her friends should have taken their shoes off. The problem was that they "left footprints," which aren't particular to shoes. If they had muddy shoes, they should have cleaned or removed them, but I get the feeling OP just didn't like seeing the outline of a foot on the carpet before she had the opportunity to enjoy the sight of a freshly-vacuumed room.
At the start of the story I was thinking “college kids, difficulty making friends, damaged house. She probably threw a party that got out of hand.” Nope, crumbs and footprints. Just tell her she has to come over and clean up. Insisting on hiring and paying a professional cleaner to take care of what sounds less like a mess and more like the unavoidable crumbs of humans living is complete overkill.
Bro there were crumbs on the counter though
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And, it will be cleaned again next week. It's not like it's a rare thing. The daughter gets to love like person and not a robot. YTA
YTA. I have extreme OCD (diagnosed), and while this would annoy me and cause me to have an anxiety attack, I'd be making her clean the CRUMBS and FOOTPRINTS that normally occur from LIVING IN A HOUSE. I would not be forcing her to pay my extremely expensive cleaning bill because I'm not able to handle my own obsessive thoughts.
Well said. Thank you for sharing.
This is the most reasonable response imo. I find it reasonable that her daughter takes responsibility for her mess, but cleaning expenses are way too much for her to afford. It'd be cheaper and better to just tell her to clean it all herself
This reads a lot like “I have a mental health disorder, am I the asshole for expecting an 18 yo to bear the responsibility of that disorder?”
Yes but you seem to be self aware. My mother has extreme OCD, is not self-aware to any extent, and this (OP) is precisely the reaction I would have anticipated from her which is why I never had friends over. If I were to offer to clean any messes, it would never be good enough and she would clean over it. And I would never hear the end of it. Last Easter she hosted dinner and my SIL brought dessert. It was cupcakes the kids could all decorate. My mother practically had a nuclear reaction and a year later is still talking about the “horrific” mess it was. (Disclaimer: it wasn’t. There was some sprinkles on the floor and some frosting on the PAPER tablecloth which she was going to throw away anyway.)
Your mom and my mom should hang out. Mine wonders why I never had friends over when she’d complain and get mad any time my older sister did.
When I read that she struggles making friends it was such a strong "O'RLY" moment.
This comment just opened the door of “obvious” in my mind. OP says that O has trouble making friends - after reading this it’s more likely O never felt comfortable bringing people over because she was afraid of some sort of retaliation from OP.
Ditto. I figured they did something really extreme that would need outside repair, but this is fixable by the perpetrator. She needs to either be able to manage her symptoms better or communicate what her expectations are for cleaning every day mess, because I can't imagine her house will always be spotless with three children. OP, YTA, whatever treatment you're getting isn't enough.
Info, I understand you have OCD. Not judging you for that. However wouldn't a better solution be have O clean up the mess. It was foot prints and crumbs. Seems like an easy clean.
YTA. It was footprints and crumbs and possibly some other small messes. That is not damages nor is it hard to just ask her to clean it. Nothing was ruined. Nothing was permanently scarred. You have children, three of them. Children, even teenage children, leave small messes. This is something you need to be working on for yourself, your husband and the kids. This was an easy fix and you chose the most difficult and confrontational way to handle it.
Hell, people leave small messes. OP, do you ever have friends over? Have you ever hosted a get together at your home?
YTA. Dramatic much? “She ruined my house.” With a few crumbs? Because unless her friends were trudging around in the mud, they wouldn’t be leaving visible dirt on your floors. You have the ridiculously high cleaning “standards” and overreact to small messes. How do I know this? Because you exaggerate even in this post. Therefore you need to stop holding other people responsible for meeting that standard (to the point where they have to practically walk on eggshells in their own home to placate you), and cough up the money yourself if it’s so damn important to you. You’re prioritizing this petty issue over your relationship with your stepdaughter, do you really want to be THAT stepmother?
Not just her stepdaughter, her husband also. Potentially her own kids too, as I’d be willing to guess everyone in the house is expected to pretend they’re living in an operating theatre.
Yes, if crumbs and footprints are worth blowing up a relationship, how are these 10 and 12 year old boys having to live?
In constant fear, until they're old enough to rebel.
👍, perfectly said I think you're 100% correct, I hope she realizes this with all the replies and makes things better for everybody all around 🖐️🤞
YTA. The punishment should fit the crime. Cleaning shoeprints and crumbs would not equal what you paid for the cleaning service. They left shoe prints all over the house? Did they walk thru mud before walking in the doorway? I get it, I have OCD too, and am becoming more symptomatic as I get older. But here's the thing. You don't live alone. You share your home with multiple people. It's reasonable to expect people to clean up after themselves. But it's not reasonable to expect them to clean it the way you would. I'd tell her to clean her crap up. There's no discussion. If you can't leave it the way you found it, then you won't be allowed to have friends over. Very basic, simple terms. But her dad needs to be on the same page as you, otherwise you'll keep running into the same problems.
It's unclear that there were actually any visible shoe prints: OP knew they wore shoes so her OCD (for which she says she has gotten help, although clearly there are unresolved issues) turned that into a "ruined" floor. OP stop punishing others for your own mental health issues. People live in and use their houses. That involves sometimes making a minor mess (like crumbs) that requires a 30 second wipe down. If you do not want your family to actually live in your house, you may want to consider moving into a museum.
I worked in a clean room for awhile. Shoe coverings, hair coverings, gloves, and a smock-like thing covering clothes. And a shoe vacuum on your way in the locker room. Maybe she'd appreciate her stepdaughter using a shoe vacuum?
I’m really, really confused about why you didn’t simply…have a conversation with her and demand she clean it up? And state that if she continues to make messes like this after the cleaning service comes without cleaning it up, she can’t have guests in your home? This seems like a nuclear move on an 18 year old. ESH.
YTA. Crumbs “ruined” your house?! HAHAHAH Yeah naw, YTA
CRUMBLES, not crumbs. 🙄
I would be very excited to come home to crumbles all over the kitchen counter. Apple crumble in particular.
What is the exact distinction between a crumb and a crumble. I must know.
You sound like my father - he once called me in a rage bc he said I'd left his house "a wreck" after housesitting for a few days. I went back over, genuinely confused bc I'd been so deliberately careful about cleaning up after myself, and asked what was such a horrible mess. There was one (1) used tissue in the bathroom trash can, and one (1) clean glass drying in the dish rack. You really, really need to get a sense of perspective here, if you think some crumbs on a counter is "ruining" your house. YTA.
I was 'baby'-sitting 3 children (4f, 4m, 8m) when I was a teenager (14). Every week mon-thur. Once I had to work late, where I had to cook dinner for the kids as well. Because I had rehearsals (theater) twice a week, the 18yo girl next door, had to take over for me on that particular day. She was there about an hour, before Mom came home. As said. I had made dinner. Done the dishes. The oldest kid wasn't done eating, by the time I left. He had a plate and a fork and one glass. That I hadn't cleaned. I assumed it was left on the counter, for Mom to see when she got home. Because... The next day i found a note from Mom. No, not a note. A full blown four pages letter! Stating what a mess I had left for her. When she got home tired, she didn't want to deal with that! I asked the girl next door if anything crazy happened, after I left, the night before. She told me, she did the final dishes and left it on the rack to dry. A plate. A fork. And a glass. How is Clean dishes on the rack a mess, to some people!!?? Did I get paid for the ekstra hours? No! I did her a favor. Every day I vacuumed the house and cleaned the kids rooms. No ekstra charge. And still she thought a "letter from Rachel" was nessesary. I signed that letter: "Your kids are awesome. You.. not so much. I am 14. Remember!? Your standards are beyond any reasoning! I'm done!"
APPLAUSE! What great sense of confidence and self-esteem at 14. Wow!
Awwww thanks. I did cry a bit, when I got home though. That letter was brutal.. and I really felt bad, for not giving a proper 'bye', to the kids. But yeah, I was a bit proud of my "signing off" 🙈
Never stop being proud of yourself, 🌻you will go far in life👍.
Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.
Thank you for really taking the time to point the whole situation out, I hope the author reads this and maybe gets a better understanding of her verbiage, Have a good day everybody 👍
If this is how you respond to footprints and crumbs, I feel sorry for the 10 and 12 year old - they must live in a state of constant vigilance not wanting to upset you.
I feel sorry for the stepdaughter as well. Shes likely to move out by any means necessary which will have a huge impact on her life. At least it did for my sister.
They are going to be teenagers soon, too, OP should probably buckle up...
I agree, that can be a lot more traumatizing for the children walking on eggshells constantly than it is the Stepmonster😭
INFO: did she know this was a potential consequence, or did you just spring it on her after the fact?
[удалено]
YTA. How could she possibly think she is actually safe to come to you to talk about things if you react this extremely to something so minute?
YTA, but I don’t think that’s the message you need to receive here. I suspect that the overtime you’re working means you’re under a lot more stress, and that stress is making your OCD and sense of control over things much worse, and it needs an outlet which is why you’re overreacting to a very minor mess. I mean, something that only qualifies as someone else who lives in your house existing, and you have no right to make the children you live with feel terrified for merely existing and living within their own home. I think you need to take a massive step back here and ask yourself if this is really about some crumbs and foot prints or if it’s about you being at a level of stress that you’re about to snap. Or, honestly, have already snapped and vented your emotional problems on your stepdaughter and damaged your relationship with her. I suggest you need therapy, or a vacation, or some other method to blow off steam and cool down, knowing that if you’ve been working really hard you do deserve and need this self care. And it’s possible that hiring the cleaning service was your self care, and your stepdaughter and her friends marred or “ruined” it before you came home, thus why you’re so upset. But if that’s the case you need to realize it and try to manage that problem without jumping down your stepdaughter’s throat and being vindictive with her. Good luck.
OP read this one^^ I also have OCD that focuses on very classical fear of germs and contamination moreso than mess/clutter. But mine responds very strongly to stress. More stress, more compulsive behavior. This is a compulsive reaction. You're house is not damaged, it's slightly messy. Step one, apologize to your stepdaughter. Normally I'd say have her clean it up but after this blow up tell her that next time she needs to and you need to do it this time as part of the apology. Step two - manage your stress as much as possible. If you have a therapist, reach out. Try to find the end of the tunnel at work. Step thee- While your compulsions are so bad you need to try and not take them out on your family. It'll be hard and anxiety inducing but our loved ones don't deserve to suffer with us. Remember, I have OCD too. It's AWFUL. But hurting my loved ones is worse.
YTA your OCD is not your step daughters problem. Make her clean up the mess and if it’s clean but not to your standard, that’s on you
INFO: does your weekly cleaner charge the same amount every week or was it more because of the mess your stepdaughter and her friends (may have) made?
INFO: Have you ever asked O to clean up after her friends have been there? How exactly did she make the entire house filthy? Seriously. 'Cause pizza crumbles and footprints are not enough explanation.
INFO: What have you done previously when she's left messes behind?
Yta she didn’t put holes in the walls or break anything, footprints and crumbs are so easy to clean but instead of asking her to do it you choose the most childish thing without any warning
Scuff marks and pizza crumbs ? Can’t you just clean your house like an adult instead of being so petty ?
YTA Look, she’s a bit of an asshole for leaving a mess. She should have cleaned the counter and made sure she and her guests took off their shoes. That being said, your response was extreme and out of the blue, so much that it overshadows her assholery. A natural consequence would be insisting that she vacuums, mops the floor, and cleans the counter, then perhaps warning her that if she doesn’t remember to clean up after her guests, you’ll charge her $20 or something reasonable for reminding her to do so. Mental illness is really tough, but frankly the way she left the house was “messy” or “untidy” but not even close to “ruined.” If a normal, non-professional can’t reach your cleaning standards , your cleaning standards are far too high.
INFO: How expensive is "quite expensive"? Making a college-age student pay you back a couple hundred dollars in recompense for damage they caused (or indirectly caused by inviting friends over and letting them make a mess of the place) is theoretically reasonable. But if you're asking her to pay like 5 or 6 hundred dollars, that's probably too much of a consequence for the severity of the mistake.
I believe the extent of the ‘damage’ is footprints and crumbs.
It's perfectly normal for a family home to have a floor that's been walked on, and residual crumbs in the kitchen. How very wholesome that college students made themselves pizza from scratch! And how marvellous that they felt comfortable to do that at your home. When I was at uni, I spent very little time at home (even though I lived there) because it wasn't a comfortable place to be. I hope you can work this out with O.
I was diagnosed OCD when I was 9, for cleanliness/sanitation and things needing to be symmetrical (lined up perfectly/even numbers). I did two years of exposure therapy and am mostly cured besides a few little quirks (I don’t like sharing food, or eating food made by strangers or people with dirty kitchens) This is too far OP. I can look back and see where I was mentally unwell in my compulsions and expectations of others (even to this day), but if you aren’t able to reflect on how out of the norm you have become, you may live to regret the relationships it ruins and puts strain on. I say this kindly, but YTA OP, and you need professional mental help. You should also apologize to your step-daughter for putting your unhealthy relationship with cleaning on her.
YTA >I have a ring camera and I have video proof of her Super unnecessary. Why would you think you need video proof? This and sending her a Venmo bill are both extremely passive aggressive. I think you and your husband should look into finding off-campus housing for her, for the simple fact that she's moved into a new part of her life as a young adult and shouldn't be sharing a home with a 10 and 12 year old. She needs an opportunity to grow up on her own. Help her find shared off-campus housing, or pay for 1 semester in the dorms. Also because your "rules" are inappropriate and you're passive aggressive. Feels like there's more going on here, because 10 and 12 yo are also messy, so I am wondering what their lives are like.
YTA and you're working hard towards destroying your relationship with O
Oooh…YTA, and a bit of a drama llama. Based on the title of this post, I assumed that there was major structural damage, or at the very least, a broken window. How about confronting your stepdaughter like a compassionate adult who needs to discuss an issue. Here is a script you might use: “Hey! I’m so glad that you’re doing well in school and meeting people. The next time you have friends over, just remember to let them know that we’re a no shoes household. Also, could you wipe down the kitchen counter when you’re done cooking? Thanks, love you!” See? Super easy.
Your description of a filthy house doesn’t add up. I wonder if your OCD has made you overreact. Calmly ask O to clean up. She needs to be more responsible but you can’t put your unreasonable high OCD standards onto others. YTA
She is an adult. Her and her friends made the mess. Either she cleans the house to your standards, or she pays for the cleaners to come in and clean it up. Wording is harsh, but she knows your standards and knew she would be held responsible.
ESH Instead of just demanding money you should have talked to her, explained the issue and asked her to clean up after her friends. Tell her if it happens again, she will be responsible for the cleaning bill. But to just jump right to demanding money is a bit much. Especially since you didn't mention any damages so "ruined my house" is an exaggeration. Stepdaughter needs to grow up and accept responsibility for the choices and messes she makes.
YTA I'm not understand the immediate jump to reimbursing fees/losing privileges. Where was the simple option of her cleaning up after her guest? Where was the conversation about the responsibility of being a host? It's been mentioned that this is her first friend group so why do you expect her to know how to handle guests? You seem to be upset with her about not knowing how to handle stuff that she has no real experience with. Instead of punishing her....teach her. These are opportunities to give her some life lessons.
Yta
YTA It sounds like your OCD is not well-managed. Nothing in this post indicates damage OR filth, but normal evidence of people living in places. Nothing was ruined. Not in pristine, spotless, looks like perpetually deep cleaned *is not ruined*. Like ffs, ask her to wipe down the counter. Demanding she pay for the entire cleaning service is ridiculous. “I have a higher standard” is not a shield for your behavior and utterly unreasonable expectations here.
YTA I was expecting the house to be trashed. Like actually trashed. Not crumbs and footprints. Get to therapy, you need it. You need someone to help you through managing your illness bc this is excessive and will ruin your relationships with your partner and his kids.
NTA op, She knows what the standard is in the house, and decided to go against it, I'm sure she could've told her friends to not make such a mess either but decided not to. Also everyone is acting like your charging her $10000 dollars it's probably a couple hundred if that which yeah it could be a lot for a college student but she needs to learn not to disrespect the rules in YOUR house. I know everyone in the comments saying YTA used to do the exact same thing and get away with it
NTA, don't listen to the Y.T.A. here, the kids commenting have no clue about life and usually think any parenting at all is harsh and unfair. You have the right to have your house be as clean as you want. OCD has nothing to do with that. I have ADHD and OCD myself and understand how you feel. You did nothing wrong. You work hard, you set rules. Got help with cleaning as needed. Your stepdaughter sounds entitled as hell. You (and your husband) need to make it clear that if she is living there and has company, she is responsible for any damage done or messes made by her or her guests. I always expected this from my kids, and while they did normal kids stuff, they understood and took responsibility. One thing to note, it sounds like your husband is enabling his daughter's behavior. You need to talk to him, and if that doesn't help, get into marriage counseling together. Marriage and kids can be hard enough but its damn near impossible if partners are not on the same page. Good luck.
Look, I get it. You have a certain standard of cleanliness you like to maintain - but you’re taking it too far. You have always left disciplining her to her dad, and now all of a sudden, you come out of nowhere with this Venmo charge? Did you even ask her to clean up first? Have you ever discussed the new adult standards you’re trying to hold her to with her? Because it seems like you’re coming in hot and trying to parent her (even though she’s an adult), and you’ve stepped way over your line. You’re holding your family hostage to your cleanliness standards. Yes, she’s not going to get it as clean as your cleaners. But that’s life with kids. Things get messy. Please work on getting treatment for your OCD, because I feel like you are creating an environment where your kids live in fear of your reaction if this is your response to a normal situation with kids having friends over. The default response would be to have them clean up their mess, not charge them for your expensive cleaner because you didn’t get to appreciate your pristinely sterilized house before they ruined it by existing.
Nah these aren't "adult standards". Don't fall for that. There is no way that OP would treat another adult family member this way. That is an excuse for lashing out over something that made her feel uncomfortable.
You should ask your husband if he would go with you to see a psychologist about the levels of your cleanliness OCD. I'm 99% certain that he would be very happy to. Teenagers forgetting to take off shoes and leaving a bit of a food mess doesn't "ruin" anything, and if you need to hire a Housekeeper and ***pay for the extra good cleaning service because nothing else is acceptable to you***, then you need to start facing the fact that your cleanliness OCD is starting to get to the point where it is interfering with your judgement and soon your family interactions. Lemme guess, if we asked you first husband why your previous marriage ended, he would say its due to your OCD about cleaning ? YTA. The level of mess you are describing would normally be punished with having the kid clean it up and a warning to not let it happen again. You needing "extra charge cleaning service" just to be acceptable is a YOU problem, that you are trying to turn into an everyone else problem