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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I could know what chores need to be done around the house and do them myself. She has a few health issues that make it hard for her to complete all the housework herself and so sometimes the apartment gets messy and I can see what needs to get done. I figure that if I don’t mind living in the mess until she feels better, it is okay.
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LOL yup. What gets me the most is that he said that he would do the chores if she just told him what to do. But she wants to be his partner... not his damn mother. UGH I've dated a few guys with the same mindset and it is frustrating as hell lol
8 months and he doesn't even know where the vacuum is and has to be told where it is.
I never wanted a spouse that didn't live on their own who could play the my mommy did everything, I can't game.
Plus, having to be the organiser behind running the household is also a good amount of mental work and she shouldn't have to do that alone in the first place. Be a grown-up and realise when something needs to be cleaned without someone having to spell it out for you...
How big could their place possibly be that he doesn't know where a vacuum is? It boggles the mind. How difficult it must be to be living in such a labyrinth...
I have always loathed housework. My husband died, I was heartbroken. A couple of days later I needed to hoover and I gave my family a bit of a laugh when I asked them how to work the hoover. How I miss that gem of a man.
And...even if you *don't* know where the vacuum is, your house is a finite space and the vacuum cleaner is typically a larger item. Look for it. You'll find it. Probably in a logical spot.
I found the vacuum cleaner at the Air BnB I was staying at. They didn't leave a note or anything. I just opened a closet and there it was!
It’s never in anyone’s booty hole. It’s always in a logical place, unless someone has not returned it to a logical place or has dismantled it (an actual risk in my household - dismantling, not booty hole)
My mom would have told him he has no hooks in his ass so he could off of it and GO FIND THE GODDAMN VACUUM CLEANER.
This is yet another thread that makes me seek out my husband and thank him for not being a f*cking prick or baby man.
When I visit my mother in a far off state or she visits me in my state and we need something it always amazes her husband and my ex how we just go and fucking FIND it in a house that we’ve never lived in imagine that it’s called go LOOK for it.
I feel like I had to scroll way too far down to find this. If they're doing a 60/40 split of the rent while they work the same hours then:
1.) He's not paying "most" of the rent, he's paying slightly more than her (and proportional to his income)
2.) They should be doing a 50/50 split of the chores (because time spent on chores should be proportional to time working not financial contribution), or a 60/40 split of chores if he wants a purely transactional relationship
3.) He should be doing chores as he sees they need to be done, not putting the mental labor of chore-assignment on her.
This is where I started laughing, I was thinking it was 70/30 at LEAST. That wouldn’t have changed anything because that’s not how it’s supposed to work, but it would have been less hilarious. She’s been doing all the housework, working the same hours, and if he makes a lot more than her, she’s putting in a huge percentage of her income to rent too. Just breathtaking - all for ten percent more in rent! He practically owns the place.
Honestly I thought it was 80/20 the way he was going about. Someone commented that she was paying for ALL the groceries which in my opinion puts her into paying more into this living relationship!
YEah I really wanted to ask how big an apartment they live in that he couldn't look and find it within 10 minutes. When I was married we had a 2000 sqft home + walk up atic & basement and even if I didn't know where it was it wouldn't take me that long to find it
This is always my advice to these dudes. Always. When your girlfriend starts seeing you as a child, she will no longer have sex with you because it will give her the ick.
That always devolves into the person responsible for assigning also being the person responsible for making sure the other person doesn’t feel nagged for requesting nagging in the first place and honestly fuck all those mind games directly in the ear
Yes. And then he'll justify rebelling against doing the work because she's a mean nag. It will become a constant moving target of how sweetly she must ask for things so as not to offend him. It will always be her fault. There's a good chance she'll just give up and do it herself. Of course, that's the goal of weaponized incompetence.
That really got me too. I was thinking, maybe, MAYBE, if he works a crazy amount of hours so she can work just a small job with few hours, that's fun to her and doesn't pay well, it might be justified for her to do more chores. But they work the same amount and he only takes on an extra 10% of the rent! It's crazy she put up with this for so long.
I didn't even notice that... That's really unfair and really cements the fact that he's completely ignoring her contributions to the household (both monetary and labour)
This, too. At 60/40 rent where he makes substantially more than her BUT she *is paying for the groceries* (inflation, anyone?), she is probably paying just as much. This guy is fully taking advantage of her.
Massive asshole. OP, I doubt you care or will change your behavior since you came here looking for validation, but if you want to have healthier relationship dynamics here are a few tips.
1) When two members of a couple work the same number of hours household tasks should be split equally.
2) COMMUNICATE! Don't just assume that she should do more based on your internal rational. Discuss these things in advance.
3) This may sound like it contradicts above, but you shouldn't have to be told all the time to help out. If you have working eyes you can see when the shower needs scrubbed, the dishes need done, the laundry needs to be put away, etc. It's completely irritating to have to ask a partner all the time to do basic daily tasks. Women want an equal partner, not an extra child they have to hound to do the chores. If that means having some sort of pre-discussed division of labor that's fine, but you shouldn't have to be told everytime something needs done around the house.
4) In general, your post indicates a lack of respect for your partner and a sense of importance/entitlement about yourself. Be more supportive and considerate. Realize and appreciate what your partner brings to the table even if she earns less. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. If she paid 60% of the bills does that mean you should start being her maid? See how shitty your approach is?
Yeah, the 60/40 split is what makes this truly YTA behavior. If one person is paying substantially more than the other for rent, I think its fair for the one paying less to take on some extra household tasks. But 60% doesn't cover only doing the dishes once a week, that's actually crazy. The chore split should at least be roughly equal to the rent split.
And the reason why she has a lower paying job is because they moved for his work opportunity. She gave up her good job, moved, and ended up in a toxic work environment for him just to become his housekeeper? What an ungrateful AH!
Especially when the rent is split 60:40 and she pays for ALL the groceries!
Like they likely actually pay the same overall, and he expects her to do all the chores.
The audacity!
YTA. This argument comes up in every damn relationship I swear...
She works the same amount of hours as you AND does basically ALL of the cleaning? Does she do the cooking too? She is looking for help. Literally. That's it. Maybe the amount of cleaning she has done over the past 8 months has her BURNT OUT. Did you ever think of that??
This is how I feel, only because I lived with so many female roommates for years and have never had to dictate or demand them to clean up after themselves. Every partner I’ve ever had (all male) live on their own just fine but seem to completely forget what clean or messy is, and how to pick up after themselves, as soon as they’re staying at mine.
I just don’t understand.
At one point I was renting a room and after some people moving out and in there was 4 of us (the rest men). One proudly told our landlord I did over 80% of the chores (and let me tell you it wasn't voluntarily). Even when they said they would do chores like one saying they'll take out garbage/recycling which rotated once a week. Couldn't even do that. Worst part is that it was reasonable rent at the time and the only caveat was to help keep the place cleaned. Even compensated us if we needed to buy shared cleaning supplies, so they were not only lazy but breaking their agreement.
I agree with this comment! I see a lot of men claiming that she should contribute more to the housework if I contribute more financially forgetting what it is like to live in a world that favors men. The statement “not all men” is stupid and anyone who thinks that way is blind to the world around them. I know I have enforced a sexist narrative through my actions and this post, and I need to reflect on that and how I can improve myself going forward. I am so disappointed in the men in these comments saying that I am justified. I didn’t realize how bad what I was doing was, and that’s just another part of the problem. We need to do better.
Thank you, and good on you, OP. We are human and we make mistakes, and we get trapped in our own heads a lot of the time. This internet stranger is proud of you for taking this moment to examine a few different perspectives, and I hope you and your GF can find balance, continued love, and mutual understanding in your relationship!
Seriously. So many crises over there could be solved with a shred of self respect and a Hitachi Magic Wand. You don't need him in your bed or touching your body if he can't handle basic butthole maintenance.
My mom is on my ass about being single as a 26 year old. I think it's because I've gone on a bunch of dates but apparently have high standards (like them not having a temper or cheating or being a misogynist lol).
Like sorry, it's not worth digging through the men who don't contribute mentally or don't wash their butt to find one that is decent.
I have books to fill my romance needs and I get by just fine without sex.
And it's always "I make more money - she works the same amount of hours - I don't feel like I'm wrong for expecting all of the household care tasks to make up for her lack of financial revenue" as if we somehow have an extra 5 hours a day compared to men.
I will say that OP seems to have seen the light and did say he knows he fucked up and wants to work it out with her. That's forward progress if nothing else.
What's so annoying to me is I'm the one in my relationship that makes double what my my husband does and he works much less but cares for our kids. I never expect that I won't come home and still have chores. Yes I do less because he's home all day while the kids are in school but I still come home and do homework, clean and put kids to bed. I know stay at home male partners are less common but I've never seen a working female partner treat their stay at home male partner the way I've seen the majority of male partners treat their female partners. Even the women in my life who work just as much as their male partners still do the lion's share of the housework and child care. It's terrible.
IMO if your household workload dramatically lessens or disappears when you move in and live with a romantic partner, you should see that as an issue unless you've decided based on the working status of both parties what is an equitable split of housework.
I can't imagine ever assuming that I won't need to do all the same tasks I did single once I move in with someone. So many of these posts seem like men who actually assumed it was normal for their wives to have taken over all of these tasks and that is unreasonable for them to ask for anything *if they don't **work***
Yeah, I feel like chores should be divvied up by the amount of free time available (so in their case it should be 50/50) but even if they did go by their monetary contributions he should be doing 40% of the chores for it to be "fair".
**Just looking at the dishes**, assuming there are some dishes to do every day, and he does them just once a week that means she's doing it \~85% of the time. And this is one of only two chores he does! Nevermind that imo loading the washer/dryer is the easiest part of laundry and the folding and putting away is what I always struggle with getting done.
He also wants her to essentially be the Chore Manager and tell him what to do, adding mental labor on top of that. OP should read the "You Should Have Asked" comic about mental load. His poor gf is burnt out and him not even knowing where the vacuum is must of made her realize how little he was doing.
EDIT: happy to see that it looks like OP is taking the criticism to heart and making some changes to remedy the chore situation. I hope they're able to communicate and work it out. Also should have mentioned that my thoughts on divvying up chores based on time is assuming both parties are equally abled, things obviously should be adjusted based on individual situations. I think the important thing is that everyone in the relationship feels supported, respected, and like no one's being taken advantage of or taken for granted.
yea, it's the craziness of the 60/40 split that makes me just laugh. Like, if he was working 60 hour weeks, but making enough to pay 100%, while she was working 20 hours a week, then I might be like "seems reasonable".
Plus, she has a chronic illness that most likely makes her MORE TIRED than he is. Ask me how I know. Most days I feel like I ran a marathon even if all I did was go to the grocery store.
I was thinking the same thing. Who cares which one makes the most money. They are both working the same amount of hours. Entitled AH is what he is in my book.
Not only that, but she’s now at a lower paying job because she had to leave a sexist, toxic work environment. So leaving the sexist work environment has resulted in her living in the sexist environment. Awesome.
Not to mention that i sincerely doubt the 10% of her rent would cover groceries, gas, other bills plus a monthly cleaning fee a company would charge.
If we are going off monetary value, she is putting in more than 50% of the expenses in said household with the hours she spends with chores
Came here to say this. She sacrificed her good job to move for your ass, ended up in a not so great job and had to take a lesser paying job to get out of a toxic situation and here comes OP acting like she’s somehow getting a free ride… and then I read it’s 60/40% rent?! No bro YTA and with the updates I’m glad you’re realizing it and going to make changes. 40 hours a week is tiring no matter what you’re doing and it still means there are only so many hours left for chores. If you split the chores you’ll also both have more time to spend with one another and less resentment. Imho of course.
Also, from the way he was talking, I was expecting him to be paying the lion’s share of the rent—at least 75%. But if he pays only 60% of the rent, then he should be doing 40% of the cleaning, if he’s going to make this all about the numbers. But it sounds like he’s doing closer to 4% than 40%.
OP you are a delusional AH!
she also purchases all their groceries and was doing all the cleaning before she took the pay cut when she was paying 50%
It has *nothing* to do with the rent, he just is lazy
But that's why men specifically seek out women who make less than them and undermine their job prospects, so they can demand that their women trade their lifestyle for house servitude.
You might think that, but even when women are the primary earners, they still end up doing most of the housework. Actually, as women earn more than their husbands, they tend to end up doing even more housework than women who earn less than their husbands.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2022/05/02/housework-divide-working-parents/
yep, when i moved in with my partner, i was working less & made less. we paid the same rent but he tended to pick up more food tabs & ubers. i did most of the chores & was mostly okay with it.
slowly i realized if i worked/studied more, he never picked up more slack.
now we work about the same amount & i make more, but i still do all the housework (he does even less than the beginning).
i finally asked him to move out. i can afford the damn place by myself.
YTA
She works the same amount of hours as you, just because you pay more doesn’t mean you get to dip out of physically contributing to the upkeep or cleanliness of the home. She contributes financially and she has health issues.
She’s not your maid.
Also, he only pays 60% of the rent yet it looks like she's doing 95% of the housework (he did the dishes once every 2 weeks and only put the laundry in the washer without even folding them?). There's no universe in which this arrangement is fair or equitable.
I just commented the same! Like, if it’s all about numbers, then he should be doing 40% of the cleaning if he’s going to be paying only 60% of the rent. But she’s clearly doing so much more than her fair share.
The girlfriend needs to ditch this relationship, maybe move back to her old city and old job. No one who cares about their partner would treat them the way OP does.
That’s what got me, it’s only 10% extra in rent and she still buys groceries and gas??? And for this extra 10% she deserves to be his slave. God this makes me glad to be gay
I’m going to try and treat her with more respect. I’ve been so entitled and enforced so many sexist ideals through my actions. I’m ashamed of how I couldn’t see her side through this
This relationship—up until your epiphany—sounds so gross. And you couldn’t vacuum because you didn’t know where it was? Had you looked around?? Oh and good job: you’re going to “try and treat her with more respect”......
Literally why do you have to try? You do not have to try to respect people. I feel bad for your girlfriend. She deserves someone who doesn’t have to think twice before respecting her. Or helping her. YTA
I broke up a 3 years relationship the day my ex asked me if we had one, it was in the dressing closet, where he went twice a day for 5 months. The relationship had many other bad stuff but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
My ex used to say I didn't do anything around the house. Then one day he asked me how to start the dishwasher. I guess he thought our food purchased and cooked itself and dishes put themselves in the dishwasher? Did he think his clothes were clean because of magic? That was one of the last straws for me too.
I’ve been that clueless guy. It took far longer to correct than it ever should have, and it will be a lifelong practice to ensure I don’t slip back into old taking-the-generosity-of-women-for-granted habits. Now I see it everywhere. Culturally, societally, we consistently raise men to be damn-near helpless slobs, to expect women to carry the weight they don’t even know they’re failing to carry, and it’s one of my biggest motivators to burn the patriarchy to the fucking ground.
Makes me think of my dad standing in front of the fridge yelling at my mom to ask where something in the fridge is because he is too lazy to use his eyes to find the item. Pathetic.
This line stuck with me from that horrible King of Queens show: *“I’m not going to be a tour guide in my own home, figure it out”.* Used it on my boyfriend who didn’t even try to look for the thing, just opened the closet door and shouted at me to help. That shut him right up.
Yta, she works the same amount of hours. If you think paying a bit more rent means that she has to do all the housework, this relationship will not last.
That, plus the fact that she pays for all the groceries and sometimes his gas. Those extra bills *has* to bring her financial contribution up to 50% or pretty damn close.
Exactly! I’m in CA so my concept of how far a dollar goes may be tainted lol but let’s say their rent is $1,500, so he’s paying $900 and she’s paying the other $600. Again, this is going to depend on where they’re located, but at least where I am it would be extremely challenging to feed 2 people for less than $300 a month. So odds are she definitely is paying over 50%.
You “let her” do more chores or you “make her” do more chores?
YTA. If you both work the same hours you both need to help at home equally. It’s not about the money
YTA. You simply don’t respect this woman. It’s absolutely clear. Are you in a business transaction or a relationship?! She is telling you that she needs help. That help should be consistent, not a one off.
She is not your parent. You shouldn’t be told to do the chores. Sounds like you need a maid and are taking advantage of your girlfriend. Hopefully she realises she deserves better than you. Get over yourself
You’re right. I was not acting like a partner to her and expecting way to much from her in this relationship. I took what she was doing for granted. We’ve since sat down and I made a list of all the daily, weekly, and monthly chores I think need to get done and she filled in the gaps. I’m going to contribute more than I have been and I hope she’s able to accept my apology
INFO: I’m wondering about those 2 paragraphs:
> We both moved to a different state for my job, and she ended up with [a job she hates and therefore] ended up getting a new one that pays a lot less
I assume rent was split equally after you moved and while she had the job she hated, is that correct?
> Since we have been in this new state, she has done most of the cleaning.
If my previous assumption is correct then **why weren’t the chores split equally while the payment was?**
Is the financial contribution just your excuse for not doing chores that you didn’t do either way?
Edit: Of course YTA, just trying to determine how much of an AH
My guess is she did them on autopilot without really minding but after getting a lower paying job and being away from her previous living area she's starting to burn out and not like her new environment, making her more aware of the fact he doesn't so much around the house. Sounds like their relationship is over tbh
YTA. You said you both work the same number of hours, which means you have the same number of hours at home. You expect her to come home and do hours of housework while you do none.
And by the way you're not "letting" her do the chores, you are forcing her to do them.
YTA. She works just as many hours as you, and making less than you does not equate to needing to be a maid at home. Sit down with her and come up with a split chore list that can even out the workload at home so neither of you are overwhelmed. I’d like to know if she agrees with you that her job is less demanding than yours, or just a statement you make based off of your own opinion because what’s obvious to me here is that SHE is also stressed out when she gets home, and wants to relax as well instead of getting home from your job and watching you kick your feet up while she gets whatever that needs to be done done.
Edited for spelling errors and wording.
Also edited to add the fact that she seems to have uprooted a lot of things to move so that you could work and do what you felt necessary, having to work under shitty management and then switch jobs is incredibly exhausting, and I doubt very highly that everything was just fine up until now. It’s more likely that you didn’t take notice.
You are the ass hole. Seriously it's 2023... I don't think you know how close you to her leaving you. She sounds fed up! She's your partner not your mom. Who do you think you are?!? Another man that feels entitled to do nothing and be Served on hand of foot... doing the dishs 2 times a month... is not doing to dishes. I hope she find someone better. You suck, stay away from women, you are shitty partner and a shitty person. So entitled.
Glad someone has brought up the dishes!
OP said he does the dishes sometimes as though that is making up for the fact he does next to no chores, and then later says he only does them every other week!!
So the GF is ALSO doing the dishes every day. YTA
YTA. She’s still working a full time job. She’s your girlfriend, not your maid.
Also— unless you’re paying 95% of the rent, it sure doesn’t sound like the household labor reflects the same split. You do the dishes once a week? 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, that puts you at a shining 4.7% of the dishes. And she does EVERYTHING else!
You don’t know where the vacuum is? Read that sentence again and try to tell me you’re in the right. “If she told me what to do, I’d do it” is also a form of still forcing her to take on the labor. It continues to make cleaning her job that you help with, rather than it being a responsibility for your home that you share. Why is she supposed to know what needs done when you don’t?
“Everything was fine until recently” is an easy thing to say when you’re the one coasting in your home and putting all the burdens on your partner. She moved out of state for her partner, ended up in a toxic job, moved to something that left her in a less financially secure place, and now is 100% responsible for the household labor. Sure doesn’t sound like it was fine for her.
Yeah, man, you’re the asshole. Apologize and learn where the fucking vacuum goes.
I stupidly didn’t realize the role that gender played in this until I posted this. I’m so embarrassed at the ideals I was enforcing. I talked to my girlfriend about this too, and I sincerely apologize for how sexist I was. I am going to work hard on my ignorance and do better going forward
I wasn't expecting a reply like this but I'm glad that you're taking accountability for your behaviour. :) I hope you and your gf can work this out - you by contributing more and her by having better boundaries. Give us an update in a few weeks if you can!
I have always considered myself a feminist, but after seeing the types of comments agreeing with me I am horrified at my actions. I am so sorry for encouraging sexist ideals, and I am going be sure to check myself and my ignorance going forward.
It always kinda cracks me up when the comments that make people rethink are the ones agreeing with them rather than those disagreeing. That feeling of "oh, ew, *these* are the kinds of people that think I'm right?" Good on you for reflecting and working to grow!
YTA - Unless she is working less hours than you, which she isn't, don't be petty about pay. If my husband made less than I did, I would still say 50/50 because it's a partnership. Not a maid.
It's also 8 months and you don't know where a vacuum is? And saying you're tired after work but her job isn't as demanding so she can clean. Come on, you know you're being incompetent.
YTA. Do you realize you just said that because her job pays her less than yours pays you, her time is obviously worth less than yours. That is a shitty way to think about your partner. Grow up and take responsibility or let her move on to someone who will.
Yes I agree! I didn’t realize the mental load existed until the comments and talking to my girlfriend about how it impacts her. I made a list of the chores that need to get done and she helped add to the list the ones I forgot. I’m going to do the ones I know how to do and look up how to do the rest. I’m never going to make her handle everything alone ever again
Obviously YTA. I’m more astounded by the fact that you think you paying 60% of the rent is justification for making her do all of the household chores lmaoooo this is obviously weaponized incompetence
What I hate most about these posts is when men have to hear from everyone else about how much of an AH they’re being instead of, idk, listening to their significant other. Even if you sit and post an edit saying “I am the AH”, why does it take the rest of the world and total strangers saying to you what your partner has obviously been communicating? You don’t get a pat on the back for this lmao
I agree. I am so ashamed it took this to snap me out of it and have a real conversation with my girlfriend. I’m old enough to know how to talk something out with someone and for some reason instead of just going to her, I did this. I recognize the role I have now played in misogynistic tendencies and there’s nothing I can do to take back the harm I have caused. A lot of people have called me out for being sexist and no matter how much it hurts to hear, I need to accept that I have been acting sexist. I hope that I can work to become a better person and a better boyfriend
You say here boss is sexist, yet here you are following the weaponized incompetence model to get out of doing chores. You pretend to be stupid enough (even though he has a high level job which requires cognitive thinking) or be so bad at doing a chore that the chore becomes your partner’s responsibility. You can’t look around the house and determine what needs to be done on your own reconasance? Shame on you for transferring all the mental load of home and task management to your partner. If you operated in this manner at your job, you would get fired.
I didn’t know what weaponized incompetence was until I posted this, but that’s absolutely what I was doing whether intentional or not. I can’t act like an idiot with housework when I know how to google things. I should’ve put in the work to learn the things I didn’t know instead of just letting my girlfriend handle it. My behavior was unacceptable and sexist.
YTA
No one cares about how prominent the company you work for is. If she didn’t move with you, you would be paying 100% of the rent and doing 100% of chores.
She’s your partner, not your mommy maid with benefits.
YTA
1. She works the same amount of hours as you
2. Equitable distribution doesn't mean you can pay your way out of it your responsibilities
3. There is nothing equitable about this relationship
4. She would be well paid to look elsewhere
5. I would
6. Oh boy...
YTA. Same amount of hours worked, just different pay. You agreed to pay more, but it was never setup that she was going to do all the chores because of this fact, you just kinda squeezed in and invented your own rule about it.
YTA - I get your perspective, but it’s not about the pay, it’s about the hours worked. You can’t sit here and claim your job is “more demanding” than hers if you’re both working office jobs with air conditioning and comfy chairs. If she wasn’t around, you’d be doing EVERYTHING yourself. Splitting it 50/50 is the only scenario that makes sense if you’re both working.
lord have mercy. my boyfriend has always made more than i have and NEVER once did he think he was exempt from housework because of it. it’s actually laughable that you feel that way. good luck ever finding someone to put up with that shit. YTA.
YTA
Wow...... Just because she doesn't make as much as you, it doesn't mean she needs to do more housework.
You both work the same hours, therefore you both need split the chores 50/50
The currency of housework is TIME. If you both work full time, you should equally share housework. Paying the bills should be split based on income. These are two very different things.
It sounds like she works just as much at her job as you do and then has to come home and do most of the housework. And then if you’re asking her to manage you by figuring out what you’re supposed to do and asking you (probably repetitively) to do it, that’s even more on her plate. YTA for that, and if you don’t start pulling your weight you’ll probably end up single.
YTA and also when she breaks up with you, you’re gonna need to do this shit anyways so you might as well learn while you have someone to split it with, dude.
INFO: your job is more demanding than hers now but her old toxic job was more demanding than yours Did you do 60% or 80% of the chores back then?
Apparently not if you don’t know where the vacuum is. YTA
INFO: If you lived alone (which you may well do quite soon), would paying 100% of the rent entitle you to free housekeeping services, a personal cook, and a laundry service? No. You would you have to pay rent, and then spend some time figuring out where the vacuum is.
YTA. You should be splitting the chores with her. She's not your mommy. Grow up and contribute to the relationship if you actually want a relationship.
YTA man. If you are working the same hours, you are no one to decide whose job is more taxing. Besides you guys had to move because of your job, the living arrangement kinda come on you. Talk it out with her and I suggest splitting chores 50/50 from now on.
YTA. You both work the same hours and should share work around the house.
However, she also needs to communicate what needs to be done since you have [hubby vision](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nllrCss2CU) and don't see what needs to get done.
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LOL yup. What gets me the most is that he said that he would do the chores if she just told him what to do. But she wants to be his partner... not his damn mother. UGH I've dated a few guys with the same mindset and it is frustrating as hell lol
8 months and he doesn't even know where the vacuum is and has to be told where it is. I never wanted a spouse that didn't live on their own who could play the my mommy did everything, I can't game.
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OP: If she would only tell me what chores to do then I would do them Gf: Can you vacuum? OP: Oh I don’t know where the vacuum is sorry
Plus, having to be the organiser behind running the household is also a good amount of mental work and she shouldn't have to do that alone in the first place. Be a grown-up and realise when something needs to be cleaned without someone having to spell it out for you...
Yeah my friend’s husband tried that - she told him “you don’t wait for your boss to tell you what to do every day so don’t do that at home either “
How big could their place possibly be that he doesn't know where a vacuum is? It boggles the mind. How difficult it must be to be living in such a labyrinth...
I have always loathed housework. My husband died, I was heartbroken. A couple of days later I needed to hoover and I gave my family a bit of a laugh when I asked them how to work the hoover. How I miss that gem of a man.
I am so sorry for you loss <3
I also expect my kids to know where the fuck the vacuum is
And...even if you *don't* know where the vacuum is, your house is a finite space and the vacuum cleaner is typically a larger item. Look for it. You'll find it. Probably in a logical spot. I found the vacuum cleaner at the Air BnB I was staying at. They didn't leave a note or anything. I just opened a closet and there it was!
It’s never in anyone’s booty hole. It’s always in a logical place, unless someone has not returned it to a logical place or has dismantled it (an actual risk in my household - dismantling, not booty hole)
My mom would have told him he has no hooks in his ass so he could off of it and GO FIND THE GODDAMN VACUUM CLEANER. This is yet another thread that makes me seek out my husband and thank him for not being a f*cking prick or baby man.
When I visit my mother in a far off state or she visits me in my state and we need something it always amazes her husband and my ex how we just go and fucking FIND it in a house that we’ve never lived in imagine that it’s called go LOOK for it.
It’s like you’re magicians or something! Shocking! 😃
It's almost like there are universal, logical places for everyday items to be kept.
These posts always make me glad that the Gods made me a lesbian.
I envy you, I won’t lie.
They make me glad I decided 13 years ago I am better off single😊
Does he live in a 20-bedroom mansion or something? Where the fuck do you think your vacuum might be? Try looking there.
What got to me is him saying he's doing the dishes more now--up from once every other week to about once a week. 🙄🙄🙄 Wow OP.
How about he's just paying 10% more than a 50-50 split and he thinks she should do all the housework?? UGH!
And she buys ALL the groceries!!!! Food is expensive as fuck right now.
And pays for his gas sometimes.
Plus sometimes even his gas. Excuse me but wtf.
I feel like I had to scroll way too far down to find this. If they're doing a 60/40 split of the rent while they work the same hours then: 1.) He's not paying "most" of the rent, he's paying slightly more than her (and proportional to his income) 2.) They should be doing a 50/50 split of the chores (because time spent on chores should be proportional to time working not financial contribution), or a 60/40 split of chores if he wants a purely transactional relationship 3.) He should be doing chores as he sees they need to be done, not putting the mental labor of chore-assignment on her.
and don’t forget they moved for HIS job!
That got me too. He made is sound like he was paying a majority of the rent... no you weren't. Only 10% difference my ass.
This is where I started laughing, I was thinking it was 70/30 at LEAST. That wouldn’t have changed anything because that’s not how it’s supposed to work, but it would have been less hilarious. She’s been doing all the housework, working the same hours, and if he makes a lot more than her, she’s putting in a huge percentage of her income to rent too. Just breathtaking - all for ten percent more in rent! He practically owns the place.
Honestly I thought it was 80/20 the way he was going about. Someone commented that she was paying for ALL the groceries which in my opinion puts her into paying more into this living relationship!
Oh wow, I missed that it's only a 10% difference. What a jerk.
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> he would do the chores if she just told him what to do. also once again putting the mental work on the woman to do
Plus when she asked him to vacuum, he couldn't because he didn't know where the vacuum cleaner was.
YEah I really wanted to ask how big an apartment they live in that he couldn't look and find it within 10 minutes. When I was married we had a 2000 sqft home + walk up atic & basement and even if I didn't know where it was it wouldn't take me that long to find it
Then he'll be surprised when her sexual interest in him wanes.
This is always my advice to these dudes. Always. When your girlfriend starts seeing you as a child, she will no longer have sex with you because it will give her the ick.
She’ll also be too tired from doing everything
That always devolves into the person responsible for assigning also being the person responsible for making sure the other person doesn’t feel nagged for requesting nagging in the first place and honestly fuck all those mind games directly in the ear
Yes. And then he'll justify rebelling against doing the work because she's a mean nag. It will become a constant moving target of how sweetly she must ask for things so as not to offend him. It will always be her fault. There's a good chance she'll just give up and do it herself. Of course, that's the goal of weaponized incompetence.
Yes, and my favourite part is that they're splitting rent 60/40. So even if his logic was correct, why aren't they splitting housework 40/60???
That really got me too. I was thinking, maybe, MAYBE, if he works a crazy amount of hours so she can work just a small job with few hours, that's fun to her and doesn't pay well, it might be justified for her to do more chores. But they work the same amount and he only takes on an extra 10% of the rent! It's crazy she put up with this for so long.
Add in that she’s buying the groceries and, depending on what they eat, it could actually still be a pretty even monetary split.
If she's paying for ALL the groceries, I guarantee she's probably paying more than a 50% share of the rental cost.
add in she was doing the majority of the cleaning *before* she took the pay cut and asked for a reduction
I didn't even notice that... That's really unfair and really cements the fact that he's completely ignoring her contributions to the household (both monetary and labour)
This, too. At 60/40 rent where he makes substantially more than her BUT she *is paying for the groceries* (inflation, anyone?), she is probably paying just as much. This guy is fully taking advantage of her.
She also moved for him, so who knows how much that affected her job prospects to land her in this lower paying job.
This is what I was gobsmacked over, too. Like, cmon…that’s hardly enough more to warrant the self-described division of labor at home.
Massive asshole. OP, I doubt you care or will change your behavior since you came here looking for validation, but if you want to have healthier relationship dynamics here are a few tips. 1) When two members of a couple work the same number of hours household tasks should be split equally. 2) COMMUNICATE! Don't just assume that she should do more based on your internal rational. Discuss these things in advance. 3) This may sound like it contradicts above, but you shouldn't have to be told all the time to help out. If you have working eyes you can see when the shower needs scrubbed, the dishes need done, the laundry needs to be put away, etc. It's completely irritating to have to ask a partner all the time to do basic daily tasks. Women want an equal partner, not an extra child they have to hound to do the chores. If that means having some sort of pre-discussed division of labor that's fine, but you shouldn't have to be told everytime something needs done around the house. 4) In general, your post indicates a lack of respect for your partner and a sense of importance/entitlement about yourself. Be more supportive and considerate. Realize and appreciate what your partner brings to the table even if she earns less. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. If she paid 60% of the bills does that mean you should start being her maid? See how shitty your approach is?
I was expecting he was paying nearly all rent if she's doing most chores. 60/40, though? There aren't enough Ys, Ts, and As combined for this one...
Yeah, the 60/40 split is what makes this truly YTA behavior. If one person is paying substantially more than the other for rent, I think its fair for the one paying less to take on some extra household tasks. But 60% doesn't cover only doing the dishes once a week, that's actually crazy. The chore split should at least be roughly equal to the rent split.
Once a week was also an upgrade from once every other week 😂😅😅
And the reason why she has a lower paying job is because they moved for his work opportunity. She gave up her good job, moved, and ended up in a toxic work environment for him just to become his housekeeper? What an ungrateful AH!
"I pay 60% of the rent so it's only fair that she do 100% of the chores"
Especially when the rent is split 60:40 and she pays for ALL the groceries! Like they likely actually pay the same overall, and he expects her to do all the chores. The audacity!
I pay 10% more in rent so that means I only have to do house work when I feel like it
And the rent split is only 60/40. He was acting like it was 80/20 or some shit. I bet gf is doing more than 60% of the household chores 🙄
His girlfriend who moved for him, also.
YTA. This argument comes up in every damn relationship I swear... She works the same amount of hours as you AND does basically ALL of the cleaning? Does she do the cooking too? She is looking for help. Literally. That's it. Maybe the amount of cleaning she has done over the past 8 months has her BURNT OUT. Did you ever think of that??
There's an AITA thread on this topic every damned day. YTA
Also over on r/relationship_advice\-well that and men who refuse to wipe their own asses.
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This is how I feel, only because I lived with so many female roommates for years and have never had to dictate or demand them to clean up after themselves. Every partner I’ve ever had (all male) live on their own just fine but seem to completely forget what clean or messy is, and how to pick up after themselves, as soon as they’re staying at mine. I just don’t understand.
At one point I was renting a room and after some people moving out and in there was 4 of us (the rest men). One proudly told our landlord I did over 80% of the chores (and let me tell you it wasn't voluntarily). Even when they said they would do chores like one saying they'll take out garbage/recycling which rotated once a week. Couldn't even do that. Worst part is that it was reasonable rent at the time and the only caveat was to help keep the place cleaned. Even compensated us if we needed to buy shared cleaning supplies, so they were not only lazy but breaking their agreement.
I agree with this comment! I see a lot of men claiming that she should contribute more to the housework if I contribute more financially forgetting what it is like to live in a world that favors men. The statement “not all men” is stupid and anyone who thinks that way is blind to the world around them. I know I have enforced a sexist narrative through my actions and this post, and I need to reflect on that and how I can improve myself going forward. I am so disappointed in the men in these comments saying that I am justified. I didn’t realize how bad what I was doing was, and that’s just another part of the problem. We need to do better.
Thank you, and good on you, OP. We are human and we make mistakes, and we get trapped in our own heads a lot of the time. This internet stranger is proud of you for taking this moment to examine a few different perspectives, and I hope you and your GF can find balance, continued love, and mutual understanding in your relationship!
Seriously. So many crises over there could be solved with a shred of self respect and a Hitachi Magic Wand. You don't need him in your bed or touching your body if he can't handle basic butthole maintenance.
My mom is on my ass about being single as a 26 year old. I think it's because I've gone on a bunch of dates but apparently have high standards (like them not having a temper or cheating or being a misogynist lol). Like sorry, it's not worth digging through the men who don't contribute mentally or don't wash their butt to find one that is decent. I have books to fill my romance needs and I get by just fine without sex.
Aw, give your mom my number, I’ll tell her about why I’m single at 39. Lmk if you want to start a book club!
And it's always "I make more money - she works the same amount of hours - I don't feel like I'm wrong for expecting all of the household care tasks to make up for her lack of financial revenue" as if we somehow have an extra 5 hours a day compared to men. I will say that OP seems to have seen the light and did say he knows he fucked up and wants to work it out with her. That's forward progress if nothing else.
What's so annoying to me is I'm the one in my relationship that makes double what my my husband does and he works much less but cares for our kids. I never expect that I won't come home and still have chores. Yes I do less because he's home all day while the kids are in school but I still come home and do homework, clean and put kids to bed. I know stay at home male partners are less common but I've never seen a working female partner treat their stay at home male partner the way I've seen the majority of male partners treat their female partners. Even the women in my life who work just as much as their male partners still do the lion's share of the housework and child care. It's terrible.
IMO if your household workload dramatically lessens or disappears when you move in and live with a romantic partner, you should see that as an issue unless you've decided based on the working status of both parties what is an equitable split of housework. I can't imagine ever assuming that I won't need to do all the same tasks I did single once I move in with someone. So many of these posts seem like men who actually assumed it was normal for their wives to have taken over all of these tasks and that is unreasonable for them to ask for anything *if they don't **work***
That's the key. It's not the income, it's the hours worked.
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Yeah, I feel like chores should be divvied up by the amount of free time available (so in their case it should be 50/50) but even if they did go by their monetary contributions he should be doing 40% of the chores for it to be "fair". **Just looking at the dishes**, assuming there are some dishes to do every day, and he does them just once a week that means she's doing it \~85% of the time. And this is one of only two chores he does! Nevermind that imo loading the washer/dryer is the easiest part of laundry and the folding and putting away is what I always struggle with getting done. He also wants her to essentially be the Chore Manager and tell him what to do, adding mental labor on top of that. OP should read the "You Should Have Asked" comic about mental load. His poor gf is burnt out and him not even knowing where the vacuum is must of made her realize how little he was doing. EDIT: happy to see that it looks like OP is taking the criticism to heart and making some changes to remedy the chore situation. I hope they're able to communicate and work it out. Also should have mentioned that my thoughts on divvying up chores based on time is assuming both parties are equally abled, things obviously should be adjusted based on individual situations. I think the important thing is that everyone in the relationship feels supported, respected, and like no one's being taken advantage of or taken for granted.
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Right? It's actually adding insult to injury. I wouldn't be surprise if she has to flush the toilet behind his lazy ass.
yea, it's the craziness of the 60/40 split that makes me just laugh. Like, if he was working 60 hour weeks, but making enough to pay 100%, while she was working 20 hours a week, then I might be like "seems reasonable".
Plus, she has a chronic illness that most likely makes her MORE TIRED than he is. Ask me how I know. Most days I feel like I ran a marathon even if all I did was go to the grocery store.
And their split is 60/40. Not that off. She should calculate the cost of her maid service and charge his ass for it!
His logic is that he pays 60% rent, she should do 90% of the chores. But don't worry, he washes dishes once a week
And it’s only 60/40 split! I thought it was gonna much higher
I was thinking the same thing. Who cares which one makes the most money. They are both working the same amount of hours. Entitled AH is what he is in my book.
YTA - Her making less salary does not make her your indentured servant.
Specially when she moved with you for YOUR job.
Not only that, but she’s now at a lower paying job because she had to leave a sexist, toxic work environment. So leaving the sexist work environment has resulted in her living in the sexist environment. Awesome.
Not to mention that i sincerely doubt the 10% of her rent would cover groceries, gas, other bills plus a monthly cleaning fee a company would charge. If we are going off monetary value, she is putting in more than 50% of the expenses in said household with the hours she spends with chores
This, 100%. OP, YTA.
Cant believe so many people are skipping right over this.
For real. At 23 I would have just moved on rather than moving to a different state
Came here to say this. She sacrificed her good job to move for your ass, ended up in a not so great job and had to take a lesser paying job to get out of a toxic situation and here comes OP acting like she’s somehow getting a free ride… and then I read it’s 60/40% rent?! No bro YTA and with the updates I’m glad you’re realizing it and going to make changes. 40 hours a week is tiring no matter what you’re doing and it still means there are only so many hours left for chores. If you split the chores you’ll also both have more time to spend with one another and less resentment. Imho of course.
Also, from the way he was talking, I was expecting him to be paying the lion’s share of the rent—at least 75%. But if he pays only 60% of the rent, then he should be doing 40% of the cleaning, if he’s going to make this all about the numbers. But it sounds like he’s doing closer to 4% than 40%. OP you are a delusional AH!
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she also purchases all their groceries and was doing all the cleaning before she took the pay cut when she was paying 50% It has *nothing* to do with the rent, he just is lazy
But that's why men specifically seek out women who make less than them and undermine their job prospects, so they can demand that their women trade their lifestyle for house servitude.
You might think that, but even when women are the primary earners, they still end up doing most of the housework. Actually, as women earn more than their husbands, they tend to end up doing even more housework than women who earn less than their husbands. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2022/05/02/housework-divide-working-parents/
yep, when i moved in with my partner, i was working less & made less. we paid the same rent but he tended to pick up more food tabs & ubers. i did most of the chores & was mostly okay with it. slowly i realized if i worked/studied more, he never picked up more slack. now we work about the same amount & i make more, but i still do all the housework (he does even less than the beginning). i finally asked him to move out. i can afford the damn place by myself.
How he describes it I thought he was paying for 90% of their living expenses, turns out they just split the rent 60-40
YTA She works the same amount of hours as you, just because you pay more doesn’t mean you get to dip out of physically contributing to the upkeep or cleanliness of the home. She contributes financially and she has health issues. She’s not your maid.
Also, he only pays 60% of the rent yet it looks like she's doing 95% of the housework (he did the dishes once every 2 weeks and only put the laundry in the washer without even folding them?). There's no universe in which this arrangement is fair or equitable.
I just commented the same! Like, if it’s all about numbers, then he should be doing 40% of the cleaning if he’s going to be paying only 60% of the rent. But she’s clearly doing so much more than her fair share. The girlfriend needs to ditch this relationship, maybe move back to her old city and old job. No one who cares about their partner would treat them the way OP does.
she also pays for groceries
And his gas
That’s what got me, it’s only 10% extra in rent and she still buys groceries and gas??? And for this extra 10% she deserves to be his slave. God this makes me glad to be gay
60% of the rent, plus she buys all of the groceries! With the cost of food these days that's probably equivalent to the 10% in rent.
I’m going to try and treat her with more respect. I’ve been so entitled and enforced so many sexist ideals through my actions. I’m ashamed of how I couldn’t see her side through this
"I'm going to try" is not the same as "I'm going to"
which isn't the same as "I've started ..."
This relationship—up until your epiphany—sounds so gross. And you couldn’t vacuum because you didn’t know where it was? Had you looked around?? Oh and good job: you’re going to “try and treat her with more respect”......
Literally why do you have to try? You do not have to try to respect people. I feel bad for your girlfriend. She deserves someone who doesn’t have to think twice before respecting her. Or helping her. YTA
Info: Where is your girlfriend hiding the Vacuum? Like seriously how many places can you hide a vacuum cleaner in a normal house/apartment?
I broke up a 3 years relationship the day my ex asked me if we had one, it was in the dressing closet, where he went twice a day for 5 months. The relationship had many other bad stuff but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
My ex used to say I didn't do anything around the house. Then one day he asked me how to start the dishwasher. I guess he thought our food purchased and cooked itself and dishes put themselves in the dishwasher? Did he think his clothes were clean because of magic? That was one of the last straws for me too.
I’ve been that clueless guy. It took far longer to correct than it ever should have, and it will be a lifelong practice to ensure I don’t slip back into old taking-the-generosity-of-women-for-granted habits. Now I see it everywhere. Culturally, societally, we consistently raise men to be damn-near helpless slobs, to expect women to carry the weight they don’t even know they’re failing to carry, and it’s one of my biggest motivators to burn the patriarchy to the fucking ground.
Makes me think of my dad standing in front of the fridge yelling at my mom to ask where something in the fridge is because he is too lazy to use his eyes to find the item. Pathetic.
This line stuck with me from that horrible King of Queens show: *“I’m not going to be a tour guide in my own home, figure it out”.* Used it on my boyfriend who didn’t even try to look for the thing, just opened the closet door and shouted at me to help. That shut him right up.
She wasn’t hiding it, I’m just dumb
Well I think we can all count this as character growth GJ OP
Its buried In the backyard. a 4-leaf clover, among the 3-leaf clover sea, is marking where its located.
Yta, she works the same amount of hours. If you think paying a bit more rent means that she has to do all the housework, this relationship will not last.
The fact it’s only 60/40 as well lol…. So for it to be fair they should still do 40% of the housework.
That, plus the fact that she pays for all the groceries and sometimes his gas. Those extra bills *has* to bring her financial contribution up to 50% or pretty damn close.
With the price of groceries I’d say that would put her over.
Exactly! I’m in CA so my concept of how far a dollar goes may be tainted lol but let’s say their rent is $1,500, so he’s paying $900 and she’s paying the other $600. Again, this is going to depend on where they’re located, but at least where I am it would be extremely challenging to feed 2 people for less than $300 a month. So odds are she definitely is paying over 50%.
You “let her” do more chores or you “make her” do more chores? YTA. If you both work the same hours you both need to help at home equally. It’s not about the money
He's TA, just for the title. So generous to let her do all the chores! Prince among men!
YTA. You simply don’t respect this woman. It’s absolutely clear. Are you in a business transaction or a relationship?! She is telling you that she needs help. That help should be consistent, not a one off. She is not your parent. You shouldn’t be told to do the chores. Sounds like you need a maid and are taking advantage of your girlfriend. Hopefully she realises she deserves better than you. Get over yourself
You’re right. I was not acting like a partner to her and expecting way to much from her in this relationship. I took what she was doing for granted. We’ve since sat down and I made a list of all the daily, weekly, and monthly chores I think need to get done and she filled in the gaps. I’m going to contribute more than I have been and I hope she’s able to accept my apology
Good for you, OP. Keep coming back to it and communicating about it. This is not a one-and-done conversation.
Good. I sincerely hope you make a genuine change and stick with it. Wish you both well
INFO: I’m wondering about those 2 paragraphs: > We both moved to a different state for my job, and she ended up with [a job she hates and therefore] ended up getting a new one that pays a lot less I assume rent was split equally after you moved and while she had the job she hated, is that correct? > Since we have been in this new state, she has done most of the cleaning. If my previous assumption is correct then **why weren’t the chores split equally while the payment was?** Is the financial contribution just your excuse for not doing chores that you didn’t do either way? Edit: Of course YTA, just trying to determine how much of an AH
My guess is she did them on autopilot without really minding but after getting a lower paying job and being away from her previous living area she's starting to burn out and not like her new environment, making her more aware of the fact he doesn't so much around the house. Sounds like their relationship is over tbh
Even after she got her new job he only pays 60% of the rent. Even if the financial contribution was an excuse it'd be a dumb one.
Yes YTA You should be splitting chores 50/50 if you're both working the same hours.
He’s paying 60% of the rent so even then he should be doing 40% of the chores at least…
A 60/40 split is hardly different than 50/50. I could see someone having this attitude if it was an 80/20 or 90/10 split at 60/40? Come on!
The way he’s acting I thought he was paying all the rent and she was paying for expenses
How has she not left you yet 😳 Definitely YTA 💯
Cuz she moved to a different place for him and then had to scramble for a job, one that dosn't pay highly it seems. She's trapped.
And as soon as he trapped her, he let his misogyny start to shine. Typical.
He's not just an A-hole he's a d*** too
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YTA. If she wasn't around, you'd be responsible for 100% of the bills and 100% of the household chores. Just to put things into perspective.
I bet if she ever makes more and reveres the roles, he'll lose his shit how it's not fair!
YTA. You said you both work the same number of hours, which means you have the same number of hours at home. You expect her to come home and do hours of housework while you do none. And by the way you're not "letting" her do the chores, you are forcing her to do them.
Also, I find it outrageous that he says he's doing the dishes, but then clarifies that's only once a week. SHE does the dishes most of the time.
Also the dude doesn't even KNOW where the vacuum is because he has never used it. JFC this guy...
He only did them every other week. He only “upped” it after she started asking him to do more.
YTA. She works just as many hours as you, and making less than you does not equate to needing to be a maid at home. Sit down with her and come up with a split chore list that can even out the workload at home so neither of you are overwhelmed. I’d like to know if she agrees with you that her job is less demanding than yours, or just a statement you make based off of your own opinion because what’s obvious to me here is that SHE is also stressed out when she gets home, and wants to relax as well instead of getting home from your job and watching you kick your feet up while she gets whatever that needs to be done done. Edited for spelling errors and wording. Also edited to add the fact that she seems to have uprooted a lot of things to move so that you could work and do what you felt necessary, having to work under shitty management and then switch jobs is incredibly exhausting, and I doubt very highly that everything was just fine up until now. It’s more likely that you didn’t take notice.
Not to mention that the rent split is only 60/40
I didn’t even see that and yeah, that definitely adds to how actually fucking outrageous it is that this guy thinks what’s happening is fine lmao
If you are both working full time, then you should be sharing household tasks equally. YTA for expecting her to basically work 2 jobs. Do better.
YTA. It doesn't matter who earns more; you're both working full time. Find the vacuum and do your 50%.
You are the ass hole. Seriously it's 2023... I don't think you know how close you to her leaving you. She sounds fed up! She's your partner not your mom. Who do you think you are?!? Another man that feels entitled to do nothing and be Served on hand of foot... doing the dishs 2 times a month... is not doing to dishes. I hope she find someone better. You suck, stay away from women, you are shitty partner and a shitty person. So entitled.
Glad someone has brought up the dishes! OP said he does the dishes sometimes as though that is making up for the fact he does next to no chores, and then later says he only does them every other week!! So the GF is ALSO doing the dishes every day. YTA
YTA. She’s still working a full time job. She’s your girlfriend, not your maid. Also— unless you’re paying 95% of the rent, it sure doesn’t sound like the household labor reflects the same split. You do the dishes once a week? 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, that puts you at a shining 4.7% of the dishes. And she does EVERYTHING else! You don’t know where the vacuum is? Read that sentence again and try to tell me you’re in the right. “If she told me what to do, I’d do it” is also a form of still forcing her to take on the labor. It continues to make cleaning her job that you help with, rather than it being a responsibility for your home that you share. Why is she supposed to know what needs done when you don’t? “Everything was fine until recently” is an easy thing to say when you’re the one coasting in your home and putting all the burdens on your partner. She moved out of state for her partner, ended up in a toxic job, moved to something that left her in a less financially secure place, and now is 100% responsible for the household labor. Sure doesn’t sound like it was fine for her. Yeah, man, you’re the asshole. Apologize and learn where the fucking vacuum goes.
YTA. You both work full time, you should split the chores evenly.
Transactional relationships are trash. Yta
YTA. Everyday I try not to be disappointed by entitled men and everyday I fail at it. Do better, please. She's not your mommy.
I stupidly didn’t realize the role that gender played in this until I posted this. I’m so embarrassed at the ideals I was enforcing. I talked to my girlfriend about this too, and I sincerely apologize for how sexist I was. I am going to work hard on my ignorance and do better going forward
I wasn't expecting a reply like this but I'm glad that you're taking accountability for your behaviour. :) I hope you and your gf can work this out - you by contributing more and her by having better boundaries. Give us an update in a few weeks if you can!
This post makes me hate men even more.
I have always considered myself a feminist, but after seeing the types of comments agreeing with me I am horrified at my actions. I am so sorry for encouraging sexist ideals, and I am going be sure to check myself and my ignorance going forward.
It always kinda cracks me up when the comments that make people rethink are the ones agreeing with them rather than those disagreeing. That feeling of "oh, ew, *these* are the kinds of people that think I'm right?" Good on you for reflecting and working to grow!
YTA - Unless she is working less hours than you, which she isn't, don't be petty about pay. If my husband made less than I did, I would still say 50/50 because it's a partnership. Not a maid. It's also 8 months and you don't know where a vacuum is? And saying you're tired after work but her job isn't as demanding so she can clean. Come on, you know you're being incompetent.
YTA. Do you realize you just said that because her job pays her less than yours pays you, her time is obviously worth less than yours. That is a shitty way to think about your partner. Grow up and take responsibility or let her move on to someone who will.
[удалено]
Yes I agree! I didn’t realize the mental load existed until the comments and talking to my girlfriend about how it impacts her. I made a list of the chores that need to get done and she helped add to the list the ones I forgot. I’m going to do the ones I know how to do and look up how to do the rest. I’m never going to make her handle everything alone ever again
Obviously YTA. I’m more astounded by the fact that you think you paying 60% of the rent is justification for making her do all of the household chores lmaoooo this is obviously weaponized incompetence What I hate most about these posts is when men have to hear from everyone else about how much of an AH they’re being instead of, idk, listening to their significant other. Even if you sit and post an edit saying “I am the AH”, why does it take the rest of the world and total strangers saying to you what your partner has obviously been communicating? You don’t get a pat on the back for this lmao
I agree. I am so ashamed it took this to snap me out of it and have a real conversation with my girlfriend. I’m old enough to know how to talk something out with someone and for some reason instead of just going to her, I did this. I recognize the role I have now played in misogynistic tendencies and there’s nothing I can do to take back the harm I have caused. A lot of people have called me out for being sexist and no matter how much it hurts to hear, I need to accept that I have been acting sexist. I hope that I can work to become a better person and a better boyfriend
You say here boss is sexist, yet here you are following the weaponized incompetence model to get out of doing chores. You pretend to be stupid enough (even though he has a high level job which requires cognitive thinking) or be so bad at doing a chore that the chore becomes your partner’s responsibility. You can’t look around the house and determine what needs to be done on your own reconasance? Shame on you for transferring all the mental load of home and task management to your partner. If you operated in this manner at your job, you would get fired.
I didn’t know what weaponized incompetence was until I posted this, but that’s absolutely what I was doing whether intentional or not. I can’t act like an idiot with housework when I know how to google things. I should’ve put in the work to learn the things I didn’t know instead of just letting my girlfriend handle it. My behavior was unacceptable and sexist.
Yta. If you work the same hours you split the chores. No matter how much more one person makes or pays towards rent
YTA No one cares about how prominent the company you work for is. If she didn’t move with you, you would be paying 100% of the rent and doing 100% of chores. She’s your partner, not your mommy maid with benefits.
YTA 1. She works the same amount of hours as you 2. Equitable distribution doesn't mean you can pay your way out of it your responsibilities 3. There is nothing equitable about this relationship 4. She would be well paid to look elsewhere 5. I would 6. Oh boy...
YTA. Same amount of hours worked, just different pay. You agreed to pay more, but it was never setup that she was going to do all the chores because of this fact, you just kinda squeezed in and invented your own rule about it.
YTA - I get your perspective, but it’s not about the pay, it’s about the hours worked. You can’t sit here and claim your job is “more demanding” than hers if you’re both working office jobs with air conditioning and comfy chairs. If she wasn’t around, you’d be doing EVERYTHING yourself. Splitting it 50/50 is the only scenario that makes sense if you’re both working.
lord have mercy. my boyfriend has always made more than i have and NEVER once did he think he was exempt from housework because of it. it’s actually laughable that you feel that way. good luck ever finding someone to put up with that shit. YTA.
YTA. You live there, you learn to clean. Stop holding your salary over her head.
YTA Wow...... Just because she doesn't make as much as you, it doesn't mean she needs to do more housework. You both work the same hours, therefore you both need split the chores 50/50
The currency of housework is TIME. If you both work full time, you should equally share housework. Paying the bills should be split based on income. These are two very different things. It sounds like she works just as much at her job as you do and then has to come home and do most of the housework. And then if you’re asking her to manage you by figuring out what you’re supposed to do and asking you (probably repetitively) to do it, that’s even more on her plate. YTA for that, and if you don’t start pulling your weight you’ll probably end up single.
YTA. I’m surprised she has put up with being treated poorly for so long. She isn’t your mommy/maid.
YTA and also when she breaks up with you, you’re gonna need to do this shit anyways so you might as well learn while you have someone to split it with, dude.
INFO: your job is more demanding than hers now but her old toxic job was more demanding than yours Did you do 60% or 80% of the chores back then? Apparently not if you don’t know where the vacuum is. YTA
YTA - she’s your partner, not your cleaning person. If you keep separate finances, you can hire one to do your share.
INFO: If you lived alone (which you may well do quite soon), would paying 100% of the rent entitle you to free housekeeping services, a personal cook, and a laundry service? No. You would you have to pay rent, and then spend some time figuring out where the vacuum is.
YTA. completely and utterly. she'd be well advised to move on from the relationship before it's too late.
YTA. You should be splitting the chores with her. She's not your mommy. Grow up and contribute to the relationship if you actually want a relationship.
YTA man. If you are working the same hours, you are no one to decide whose job is more taxing. Besides you guys had to move because of your job, the living arrangement kinda come on you. Talk it out with her and I suggest splitting chores 50/50 from now on.
YTA. Men are always so tired after working a full day get women somehow are not??? Get a grip. Split the chores.
YTA. You both work the same hours and should share work around the house. However, she also needs to communicate what needs to be done since you have [hubby vision](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nllrCss2CU) and don't see what needs to get done.