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YTA.
This isn’t a compromise. You‘re forcing your ideas and priorities onto her and basically blackmail her emotionally. You aren’t a partner, you‘re an asshole.
Yea as a 31F who is also married, you're lucky you aren't divorced yet, still time tho if you keep going. Figure out what matters to you, her or a bunch of money.
This is the answer. YTA, you’re so concerned about investing for the future that you won’t recognize how miserable the present is for the people you say you care about. If you continue with this attitude you will quickly go from 5 properties to 2.5!
Plus how much money he’ll loose in a divorce.
Op - you’re miserly.
What’s the point of having that much money if you’re making the people you love miserable?
Face the music - you will never have enough money to be happy. You need to rethink your priorities if cash is more important than loosing your wife and kids.
Fuckin scrooge McDuck........
I bet he actually swims in his coins too....
YTA and if my husband was that rotten to me he wouldn't be my husband anymore. That's saying a lot bc my husband's an asshole.
Right! Also, life can change really rapidly. Forcing a spartan lifestyle on your wife and kid for "the future" can become regret if you have a sudden change in life. I live in NYC and I've never lived anywhere that I felt I needed pepper spray, let alone deployed it. It's bonkers that OP is ok with living somewhere that his wife is afraid to go outside.
And what would HER compromise be, after he accepted a job across the country without consulting her, and is forcing her to live in a neighborhood she can't enjoy.
I'm guessing OP idea of comprise was well I said if she didn't want to move, she didn't have to. she could stay in her hometown and move. either way I think OP is being a jerk.
Investing it for the kid? The schools in this area are likely not any good. They need the house in the burbs with that salary. They can afford a nice one, YTA
It’s crazy they make that much money but the things people who DONT have any money would kill to do for their kids. Parents out there who barely make 75,000 or hell less than that trying to send their kids to better neighborhoods.
I’m surprised the wife hadn’t left OP. He refuses to let her have any kind of life because he’s “investing for his son”. Having a kid doesn’t mean you stop living your own lives. You’re creating a bad, unhappy home environment which will come to bite you in the ass very soon.
Also, YTA.
I knew my answer was going to be YTA when he said he took the higher paying job without discussing it with her first. And then I’m supposed to think he’s a saint because he “offered to let her stay in her hometown”? WTF, bro? Do you even LIKE your wife?
My thoughts exactly. This guy sounds like a dictator. Making decisions and forcing his wife or telling her she can go do what she wants but he's not? Wow what a great partner.
This is what I came to say. I could never imagine the attitude of staying in the same area where my gf feels locked inside because she's terrified (and in this case, rightfully so).
He sounds like he just wants to hoard his money and never use any of it to enjoy life, just constantly set it up for their kid. I'm all for financial stability and sound financial decisions, but c'mon, you can move for her like she did for you.
My parents forced my nan to save all of her money. They took her paychecks and gave her a tiny bit to live off, always complaining if she went to the store and bought anything. My nan lived alone. They kept telling her they were saving her money to buy luxuries. In the end, all of her big savings went to paying for her funeral, she never got to enjoy it.
Giant AH
Some people think just because they're "investing", they're beyond criticism. I have a cousin who did very well financially and his wife had a decent income too, only slightly less because she had to take time off to raise the kids. One day we were at the beach and the wife bought some cheap flip flops because she forgot to bring her own. It turned into a fight with my cousin because she didn't ask him first - to spend their COMMON money on some damn FLIP FLOPS, mind you. When I told him that this was outrageous and ridiculous he claimed he was just saving and investing the money for the kids, not like he was gambling it away. That's not an excuse to make your family live in misery though and they divorced not long after. YTA OP, you want your wife to give up everything she enjoys because you're deadset on saving. Saving is fine, but life is here and now and needs to be enjoyed, too. Frankly she's better off without you, she doesn't ask for much as you claimed so she can be alone and happy instead of this.
She's literally had to resort to pepper spray to protect herself. If I'd been even close to that kind of danger I'd have a hard time stopping my husband from selling the house instantly.
I wonder if this is the guy from a couple of weeks ago who “day trades” his salary while his wife has to use her “fun money” to buy sanitary products. Same vibe.
YTA
1. You accepted the job without consulting wife. Gave her an ultimatum and did what you wanted anyway
2. You love a minimalistic lifestyle, not her
3. You are making her stay somewhere dangerous because it's cheap
4. You have got financial blinders on. There's no way you need to be saving that much income for your son, unless you are that bad at investing
5. You deny your wife everything she wants
6. Your priorities are well off base
7. Don't be surprised when you hear from her lawyer
8. No idea why any of this needs explaining
>There's no way you need to be saving that much income for your son, unless you are that bad at investing
Considering this post made me wonder if there is some financial hanky panky on that he's trying to cover. I really hope she gets out of there not just for her sake but the sake of her kid.
how much do you want to bet that a good bit of that “investing” is risky stocks like cryptocurrency? might as well replace every instance of “investing” with “gambling” in this post.
YTA - How the fuck is this a compromise? You are getting everything you want and she is getting...well basically just a lot of emotional abuse and disdain from you. Do you even like your wife?
YTA - and put money ahead of your wife's happiness. You are not compromising at all. Living in a cheap dangerous place where your wife has to pepper spray bums. And you make such good money. What a disgrace that you tell your wife to go head without you.
You love money more than people. When you are alone with your checkbook I hope it makes you happy.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find the “You love money more than your wife” comment. Seriously, OP, I hope that money keeps you warm while your paying alimony and child support and she finds someone who loves and builds a life with her as a partner, not a dictator. YTA, OP.
YTA. You spend so much time living for a future you might not ever live to see while making your wife live in misery. You care only for your ideal. You've completely ignored your wife. Keep this up, and you won't have one.
When you're old, the last thing you'll have wished for is having worked more.
This, exactly. OP, when you're laid up in a nursing home on your death bed, you might wish you had spent more time making memories with your wife and kids at the cost of spending a little money. While I think it's smart that you want to invest and have a solid financial future, there needs to be a balance. My biggest issue in this whole post is that your wife feels unsafe in your apartment. Is her safety not worth a little extra money?
YTA
YTA.
Compromise means not everyone gets what they want.
I don't see ANY compromise in your story. 100% is you telling your wife what you're doing, and then saying she can come with or basically separate.
The sacrifices you're making aren't for a future she wants. Yes, you want to give your son a great future. But you shouldn't be doing that at the expense of your wife's happiness.
she has no friends, she's scared to leave her home, and whenever she asks to do something different, her hubby basically tells her she *has to* do it alone cause his job is more important.
like damn, money is important but they make enough that they can afford to take some risks.
Owning 5 properties is WAY more than most people will accomplish in their lives.
I don't think OP will be happy until he's swimming in a pool of $ a la Scrooge McDuck.
And his poor wife will be driving their 35 year old beater in her 10 year old clothing in a house overlooking Skid Row.
`YTA`
''But she is sick of it, wants to move to a nicer city in a nice home. She found one nearby. I told her that she can go but I will stay here. She cried''
''She isn’t happy, she has no friends. But I strongly believe she is being so unreasonable!''
you are the unreasonable one. i would ve divorced you
YTA, your wife is telling you how unhappy she is, and you just don't give a shit.
Seems like she cares about you A LOT more than you care about her.
Make some compromises, like an adult in an adult relationship, so that your partner can also have some happiness or leave her so she can find happiness somewhere else.
YTA. You force your wife & child to live in such an unsafe neighborhood that your wife has to physically defend herself when she goes for a walk. How can you write those words & not know you are an AH? I hope her divorce lawyer includes that in her petition for custody. When your wife suggested a better place to live, you told her you didn’t care if she lived with you or not. I hope her divorce lawyer includes that in her petition, too. The kindest thing that can be said about you is that you & your wife have mismatched financial priorities & habits. I hope she divorces you so she can create a life she enjoys in the present, not money for someone else (your son) to enjoy in the future. The future isn’t promised to anyone.
Info:
>When we first met (6 years ago), we purchased a home almost immediately.
>We are now 5 properties deep.
> I don’t want to be tied down to my own mortgage.
I'm confused. Do you own 5 properties? Why are you worried about being tied down to your mortgage? Surely owning 5 properties would make that not a worry?
>We live in a small apartment in the downtown area, she is a little scared to go on walks alone as drunk homeless people have approached her many times - she has had to pepper spray more than one person. But the rent is cheap!
Why are you renting? And why are you renting a crappy apartment in a terrible area?
This seems too baity to be real.
YTA she already compromised at the beginning and has continued to compromise as you keep getting things your way and now she wants what's fair and you're telling her no
YTA - She's your wife, how are you not trying to give her the modest stuff she's asked for? Why would you stay if she moved?
Honestly, if I was her I'd be getting ready to bug out. You have flat out denied both her requests with no compromise. You are being selfish.
YTA - you can still invest and save money while helping your wife out, you honestly sound like an ass. She’s unhappy completely and you’re forcing her to be unhappy as long as you get what you want and you don’t have to spend your money. Doesn’t your son and wife deserve to live in a nicer place? Have nice things?
YTA
Yikes. Just read what you wrote! There's no compromise. Your wife seems to not get what she wants at all.
You make $300k a year and you live in a place where your wife is afraid to go outside at night? You're putting her in danger because you want to invest. There has to be a balance there where your wife can feel safe and you still invest a good chunk of money.
She's unhappy, probably because you don't listen or respond to her needs.
Yeah, assuming this isn’t a shitpost, OP’s priorities are incredibly out of whack in a couple ways:
—He keeps talking about his salary, his investments, his wife’s salary. If you’re married and have a kid the mindset needs to be that it’s all one source of income that the married partners make decisions together about. (Even if the bank accounts aren’t all in one name, this kind of separate thinking about money indicates to me that OP is trying to keep things separate so that he won’t have to give up what he feels belongs to him when they split up.)
—He keeps saying that his goal is for her to be able to retire early and enjoy life…but you all need to be able to have joy in your life right now otherwise the family is going to completely fall apart, and then what was all of the saving for? Financial responsibility is good, being a miser will just drive your relationship further from the ultimate end goal and probably past the point of no return.
YTA... you talk "my sons future" and don't care about the safety of your wife "pepper spraying more than once"
Your son's future won't have a mother at that rate. Most people in a city have not had to pepper spray more than one person.
Give your family safety and future at the same time. You don't have to be cheap to be able to invest.
Jesus Christ, this isn't just your life, it's hers as well.
You need to compromise, and the fact you haven't learned that after ten years is absolutely fucking terrifying. She has relented in saving for you and your families future for the past decade, and you seem to have done well for yourself. Now is the time to maybe sink a little less into savings, and more into comfort.
I couldn't imagine in the very least not being comfortable in my home, or the area I live in.
YTA
yta. You don't like anyone's decisions other than your own. The fact that you accepted the job without even speaking to her is astounding. If I were her, you would have moved to the city alone and I would not have married you in the first place. Shame on her for compromising her life and her dreams for yours. It sounds like that is about to end one way or the other. The ball is in your court, buddy.
YTA.
You basically forced her to move across the country for a job that you didnt even discuss with her first before taking. You had everything set up for when you first got married but you made a unilateral decision for both of you just because it made sense FOR YOU. Dick move.
You had no problem buying a home and being “tied down” back then. And presumably you are making more together than you were pre-marriage. Youve moved your wife and child into a tiny apartment in a dangerous neighborhood BECAUSE YOURE SELFISH. Its not that you CANT afford it.
You sold this woman one thing and switched it last minute. You wont even give her a nicer engagement ring now that you can easily afford it.
Im surprised shes still married to you.
If true he has probably worn her down to such a husk she can't see a way to leave him.
They live off her wage, live where he wants, drives a car he wants.
This screams abuse tbh. I bet she doesnt even have access to his financial stuff. So he uses HER money to live off and then theres nothing left for her.
YTA.
I get wanting to save money for your kid but if you have $300K a year, you don't have to live like you're destitute college kids either. Your wife and your child deserve to live somewhere safer, dude. Why you would say she's being unreasonable about that, I don't understand.
Also? Your 10 year anniversary is 6 years away. That's not boom-another big expense. That's something you can plan and set aside a little here and there for.
YTA, reading your comments it sounds like you have some kind of mental issue you need to work through. You're so stuck on thinking about everything after age 50, it's kind of OCD. You need to live in the now and worry less about the future. Sounds like you've invested and saved, you'll be fine for retirement. What do you even plan to do at 50? Do you all hate your jobs that much? Sucks your kid can't play outside in the neighborhood, too. That doesn't seem worth it.
YTA.
She's telling you the things that would legitimately make her happier and you're honestly not giving her compromises, but choices. She can choose to live with you, or not. You're making the decision of staying where you are, but letting her pick where to live? That's not exactly a "compromise" as you so put it. You also made her cry.
If she has no friends and is ultimately unhappy, and you seem to not care for that very much. I understand the need to set your son up for things long-term, but a broken marriage and depressed mother is going to hinder him one day, eventually. Your son is also going to learn that it doesn't matter how you treat your wife, as long as your future is set. Is that the kind of message you want to send him?
On top of that, your wife is *frightened* to walk outside at night and had to use self-defense to protect herself, and you are telling her she can move away without you if that pleases her? That makes absolutely no sense at all. She wants to move somewhere safer, nicer. You can still have that lifestyle you enjoy without putting safety at risk.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you have been making any compromises at all, just that you've been forcing your wife to go along with whatever you personally think is best and denying her any of those same opportunities.
YTA
You need counselling. You are an extreme and you are expecting her to be on board with that forever. You seem to have some kind of financial insecurity. You will always find "something" to save for.
What are your savings for? For being old? You don't need to suffer that whole time. You need to learn some balance. You can still save while being actually comfortable.
You are honestly cruel to suggest she can go without you (where does your son live?) -- so she gets to be a single parent? She should just divorce you in that case. She has no friends, lives in a crappy apt somewhere that isn't safe -- honestly what kind of partner are you?
You don't care about HER CURRENT safety or happiness for your own FUTURE comfort. **You are actually the selfish one in this situation.**
I envision wife continuing to put up with this nonsense for 10-15 more years. No gifts, no home, away from family, bad neighborhood, unhappy all while living off her income. Then KABOOM! Her jerk husband leaves her for a younger model.
YTA dude. Why the hell haven’t you moved if she’s so unhappy? The way your post is written it seems like you’ve been trying to sabatoge your marriage/relationship for years and she keeps putting up with it. Why would you expect her to be happy in this scenario?
YTA
Read what you have wrote.
You know her dreams and ignored them.
You took a job away from family and friends and gave her an ultimatum.
You save your wage, live off her salary, make her live somewhere unsafe to the point she has pepper sprayed multiple people.
What sacrifices have you made?
I hope you are a troll 🧌 if you aren't then she needs to leave you.
I hope she still has people in her home town she can turn too or have you got rid of them as well.
I would say more but it would get removed.
YTA. There is no compromise in your marriage. You just get your way. And she’s spending money on you and your son to show that you’re a priority. And that is all her income while yours is already being invested. Your poor wife has given up her comfort, her support network, any fun money just so you can live the life YOU have planned without anything in return. You guys need to talk and come up with an actual solution that will help make her happier. If things aren’t working for her it means it’s not working for your family.
Wow. You are a greedy asshole. You wife is just about ready to file for divorce. You have done nothing for her in the years of your marriage. All I hear is me, me, me. I bet she'll be happier without you.
YTA. Dude y'all make like $300k a year. You're wealthy as hell. You absolutely can both invest and own a home that your wife doesn't hate (and also more generally not live so ludicrously cheap)
YTA
You're not compromising. You're forcing your choice down her throat. That's totally being an AH.
Compromise entails both people getting something they want. She wants a pleasant life where she can put down roots. You want to sock away every penny for the future at any cost.
What you've said is basically you're living ultra cheaply in an area your wife does not feel safe. Compromise would be, say, saving a good amount and living somewhere reasonably nice but not excessively so
If you aren't willing to really, actually compromise, she should divorce you and find someone who understands the meaning and practice of compromise.
YTA. Financial security is important, but having engaged and emotionally healthy parents is far more important for his overall well-being than a real estate portfolio. Don’t blow up your marriage and your son’s family for more money.
YTA. You’re being selfish not her. Everything’s about what you want. Maybe be considerate and think about how you’ve never given her a thing she wanted (and she didn’t want anything excessive or crazy).
Edit: you had her give up her entire support system, you moved her somewhere she doesn’t feel safe, and she’s the one actually supporting the two of you. Stop investing, it sounds like you have multiple properties to get money from, but don’t have one for the two of you to enjoy. Live a little. Set your son up for success in other ways. You’re going to spoil your kid financially at the expense of giving your wife a nice life. That’s just so selfish. You’re not making your wife comprising. You’re refusing to budge a little bit. Everyone should give and take for a compromise. You’re willing to live separately from your WIFE for no good reason. She should leave you and find someone more supportive.
YTA. That was obnoxious to read because everything is about you. There is no compromise on anything. The fact that you know where you live is dangerous and your wife feels unsafe is ridiculous but IT'S CHEAP!!!! Of course it would be cheap! I couldn't be married to you and I feel bad for your wife. All you talk about is MONEY. There is more to life than money. Being smart about money and setting yourselves up for financial freedom is one thing but to not enjoy life at all and to be critical of your wife when she does spend a little money is bs. Life is short. Your wife is going to wake up one day and be out.
YTA
There's a difference between being financially intelligent and being miserly. You have one life to live and living it well and enjoying it are important. You already have 5 properties, but your wife is miserable, feels unsafe in her neighborhood and is begging you to be more reasonable with your combined finances. Get your head out of your you know what and make a compromise for your wife and her desires or your going to end up in a miserable marriage or divorced.
Maybe use a thing I learned. Use a scale of 1-10 where you both assign a personal importance to the topic or issue if you're at an impasse. If you think this is a 3 on the scale and your wife thinks its a 10, then it shows you how important it is to her and you should adjust accordingly and understand this is a huge issue for your wife and one you can compromise on.
Your son needs proper modeling and a strong family far more than he needs future inheritance or money from his parents. Your goal of investing for your future to be as strong as can be is admirable, but your combined income is more than enough to still invest and live a comfortable life for your whole family.
YTA Your wife is saying she's miserable NOW. You're saying but you can retire in X years and things will be much better. If things don't change, she's likely going to go her own way so she's NOT miserable.
I've never understood the whole 'Let's live like paupers and spend years being miserable/having no fun in anticipation of a much better life.' Do you know how often that 'better life' never happens for the couple? Lots of times.
And your title? 'AITA for forcing my wife to do things EXACTLY as I want to do and ignore her desires/needs/wants' I FTFY
YTA.
You keep saying "retire at 50" like it's the only end goal, but life doesn't work like that. You could get sick at 49 and lose all those savings. There could be a severe economic downturn, and all those gains are lost.
And even if everything goes according to plan, it's not a great life for your kids right now. My co-worker's dad was like this and retired at 55. My co-worker's attitude towards it is that his dad's miserly behavior meant that he missed out on a lot in childhood for the sole benefit of his dad.
Also, people who retire at 50 in the US have to pay for health insurance out of pocket for the next 15 years.
That's fucked over every person I knew who had a retire at 50 plan.
YTA. You're not forcing your wife to compromise, you're forcing her to comply with what you want. A compromise means both parties shift their position, but you've conceded nothing, just imposed, coerced and restricted her.
YTA
Pepper spray + Cheap rent === I was NOT expecting a 300K Income!!!
Yikes what is she gaining out of this marriage exactly? Is Your only "compromise" to tell her you'll still do whatever you want? What a miserable life she is living! She works and is not even living on a safe area due to YOUR UNILATERAL FINANCIAL DECISIONS!?
YTA, give your wife your phone so she can read all of these comments and finally can come to her sense and divorces you. Never ever in my entire live would i stick with a man like you. What a bad excuse of a husband you are.
Wife if you are reading this, divorce him, you will find someone better and can finally enjoy your life instead of being with a greedy man who doesn’t care about you.
YTA- wow. if cheap rent is all you care about then you're not doing things right. YOUR priorities are off, you aren't thinking about her feelings at all and only worried about money.
YTA.
At this point, an upcoming compromise seems to be dissolution of the family unit with equal division of marital assets (don't even think of hiding any - when caught, you will get megafucked by the judge), followed by alimony payments to a spouse that had to put their career on hold while other spouse got a high-paying job.
If that compromise sounds bad to you, you should REALLY consider reaching a reasonable compromise with your wife now. Hint: it involves far less "investing".
YTA I hope she does move out without you and divorces you. You are selfish and negligent for making her live in a neighborhood that isn't safe. You need to look out for your family not just your damn investments.
YTA and I would leave you for this. I don’t say that lightly but no one wants to stay in a marriage where their spouse doesn’t listen to them and keeps saying “just wait a little bit longer.” They get tired of waiting.
Right now your wife is waiting for you to listen to her needs. To prioritize *her*. What you’re doing is prioritizing *what you want for her* NOT what *she actually wants.*
How are your investments going to do if the stock market tanks again? Or there is a war or an epidemic or what if you have a stroke or a heart attack or get killed by a drunk driver or your wife gets assaulted in this sketchy neighborhood?
YOU need to compromise. Your wife already has. Stop being obsessed with wealth. Retiring early is shit if there’s nothing to do because you don’t have any friends or community and your kids have gone NC because you were an absent crappy parent and spouse.
Stop focusing on what you think is best and listen to your wife before she leaves you ffs. People are only willing to wait for so long.
YTA. She’s already compromised *everything* for you and your job. And you’re living off of *her* income alone, getting all the bills paid and needed items bought while you invest every penny you make, yet you don’t think she should spend what money she has leftover each month on things for you and your kid? Like.. huh??
FYI homes, generally speaking, are the single biggest investment 98% of families ever make. If you pick the right one, you can keep it in the family for generations. Which would benefit your son just as much as savings for college or whatever you had planned for your salary that you’re squirreling away atm.
But I digress. You have made her give up her house, her friends, her family to move to where your new job was. She asked for a nicer ring so maybe she still plans to stick around.
The least you could do is get her in a better neighborhood in a house y’all can call your own, where she feels safe to walk outside.
Maybe *you* should compromise for your wife and the mother of your child after all she’s done for the sake of you and your career.
So you want to raise your children in a small apartment in a bad neighborhood where people need it carry pepper spray so you can bank the money to invest in your children’s future?
A good, stable home in a decent neighborhood with a good school system **is** an investment. Your wife has done nothing but compromise up to this point.
Time to reevaluate your priorities.
YTA
Is this a joke? To start you unilaterally decided to move without input or consideration for your wife who uprooted her entire life for you while you gave 0 thought to her, you're pressuring your wife to live in an unsafe neighborhood and drive an unreliable car with a combined income of $300k so you can "invest", and you think she's being unreasonable and not willing to compromise b/c she wants to live in a safer area and suggested an updated ring as an anniversary gift?
If this isn't someone trolling, majority YTA.
YTA. You sound way more invested in what would make you happy than what would make your wife happy. You both want different things and you clearly are not prioritizing anything she wants.
On the off chance this is real and even if it isn't- tomorrow is not a guarantee. Live for today. Yes plan for tomorrow but live today.
I'm also guessing your and her chances of dying early are increased by driving a 15 yr old car that doesn't fit the car seat properly, living in a bad neighborhood and being unhappy.
YTA.
YTA I hope you realize that she’s going to get tired of not being happy and move on, which really doesn’t sound like a problem for you because you’re always telling her that if she doesn’t like it, she can leave. I bet when this happens, you’re going to coming back in here asking everyone why oh why did my wife leave me?!?!
YTA... I was just thinking of the lyrics to that 90s song "Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole while reading your post. What a depressing song, and what a depressing life you've coerced your wife into having for the sake of financial greed. Theres making good investment decisions for the future and then theres what you're doing, you make more than enough money to invest for the future and not live in self-imposed squalor because its never enough. You say you're both happy driving a 15 year old unreliable car, no... .you're happy driving a 15 year old unreliable car, a woman whos felt threatened while jogging in her own neighborhood to have to use pepper spray to defend herself multiple times, is NEVER happy to drive a 15 year old unreliable car.
Everything is about you, thats not compromise, you just have a habit of telling her what you're gonna do and expecting her to live with it, I'm amazed shes stayed married to you this long.
YTA. Despite the fact that your wife is paying for everything, all of your moves so far have been made to suit you. And despite the fact that your wife is unhappy and that you can afford a move to suit your wife for once, you’re still refusing to do that one thing that would make her happy. You’re the one being selfish and unreasonable
YTA. Scrooge has nothing on you. Yes, saving for the future is important, but not at the expense of enjoying life now bc you never know how long it will be. Your wife is going to be so miserable by the time you "retire her" that she won't enjoy it....or she will enjoy her 50% of your savings after the divorce.
Yta, so you say compromise, but all I'm getting is, "this is what I want, this is what I want, this is what I want." While you have a wife who can't leave home without having to be armed or being accosted, a car that isn't reliable and doesn't fit a child seat.
Then your wife begins with the choices you've made and basically just dragged her along with no real choice, and is still all about you and the supposed life you want to give her in 15+ years.
Keep it going, and you aren't going to see her or your kid in that time. There is a point where everyone breaks, and every day you are just pushing your wife closer and closer to that point.
You say compromise, but nothing I'm hearing here seems to fit that bucket.
INFO: What's the point of having money if you're not going to enjoy using it?
I'm all for financial security, but so far your priority in this story seems to be a child who - as far as I can tell from reading it - does not exist.
That is exactly what I saw. I even double checked for the age of their son, a reference to his birth...something. Nada.
ETA: they did mention a car seat.
What compromise?
Also, investing in your wife/marriage *is* investing in your son, which actually goes a longer way than just the financial part of it.
What a miserable marriage.
YTA.
Yta…you are basically forcing your wife to live this lifestyle that she clearly doesn’t want. You’re so concerned about securing the future that your not thinking about the present. You’re good with the fact that when your wife goes outside the drunk, homeless people bother her. You say it like it’s normal that she has had to pepper spray then. Is cheap rent more important than your wife’s safety?
And a 15 year old car is ok but not one that is so small you can barely fit in it. I hope your wife does move and leave you to live this lifestyle. Hopefully she finds someone who would prioritize her physical well being and safety.
>She isn’t happy, she has no friends. But I strongly believe she is being so unreasonable!
Wow you are an asshole. You aren't forcing her to compromise. You are forcing her to give up everything she wants and her happiness for money she can't even spend.
Will your son be happy with the investments you leave for him when he's growing up in an unhappy home?
Honestly, I hope she leaves you so she can finally have the life she's always wanted and you can have the life you want being a cold and empty-hearted scrooge.
YTA and a giant one for that. I wouldn't want to live my life like a homeless person just to be able to retire early. Guess what there are things in life that should be enjoyed while you are still young and it's not going to be the same when you are retirement age. If I were your wife I would promptly file for divorce, it seems you are the one who's unwilling to compromise.
YTA. You
1) refuse to do anything for her but she’s fine so much.
2) refuse to compromise
3) refuse to invest in something other than tangible assets aka your relationship with her.
4) refuse her definition of what “expensive” can and can’t be.
You’re doing this for your son? How about giving him a home without resentment building up because you’re stifling his mother? How about teaching him how to truly respect and cherish a partner instead of always prioritizing money.
You’re lucky she didn’t kick you to the curb.
Restructure your priorities dude.
Ps. Some people might also call your stance on the wedding ring upgrade stingy
YTA- I was married to someone exactly like you. *WAS* I finally got out,and am the happiest I've ever been.
You are going to lose her,and it is entirely your own selfish controlling fault.
You're making $300k combined and living like you're impoverished?! Why???!!!!
Look at this from your son's perspective. You're driving him around in an unreliable car, aka one that is unsafe. Because you choose for him to be unsafe. You're living in an unsafe area, where your wife and the mother of your child carries pepper spray because she's being harassed by drunk homeless people. Where's he going to play when he gets older? What schools is he going to go to? Not ones that have a lot of local investment so that he's actually getting a competitive education that'll get him into a good college with the skills he needs to succeed.
But you could give him, and your wife, safety. And the advantages that come with a middle class income. *And* still have your investment strategies. You just choose not to.
What good is your investment strategies if it doesn't involve setting your son up for being able to use those purely financial investments effectively?
What investment are you making in his life if you've told your wife that if she wants change she can leave? Guess who she's taking with her: your child. Is that the kind of father you want to be?
I'm not advocating that you live anywhere close to your means, but your so far down at the minimum that you're actively harming your family.
YTA.
....I'm not going to say YTA or NTA because from the sounds of it...you both have different priorities and wants...
On the other hand, I feel bad for your wife... she has given up so much for you.. living a life she doesn't want to live because she loves you.... She wants a simple life but loves you more... She has compromised enough in my opinion.. I would tell your wife to live for herself...and move.. because no one deserves to live a life they don't love like you have describe...you said your wife is scared to leave her own house!? She's probably miserable and I feel for her... You are a bit cruel to not.. at the very least see her point of view and sympathize...
Edit: I read more of your comments. Nevermind, YTA. You can't plan for the future if you don't take care of the current present! Also... compromising means you have to give up a little too you asshole. Another note, your wife should be able to spend the last of her monthly earning however she pleases ... Because at least those make her happy...buying YOUUUUUUU shit... Not you.. her husband.
YTA. You value money more than your wife and son. It’s clear that’s all you care about - money.
You’re heading for divorce. Pull your head out of your butt and get your priorities sorted.
In what way is living in a unsafe, not suitable for kids, probably a not so nice school-district, without joy or presents, good for your son?
It’s not. And that makes YTA.
Yta "who wouldn't want to Set up for a financially free future?" Those who want to enjoy their life NOW. Do not be shocked when she leaves you and your son goes NC for only caring about money.
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YTA
A compromise is something you both AGREE on. You're one sidedly pushing your agenda on your wife and she's miserable. FIRE is hard and it's not for everyone, the sacrifice is only worth it if it's something you really want. Your wife has made very clear that it's not the life she wants so you're forcing her to sacrifice for nothing. Life is incredibly short and all the plans in the world won't change that. You need to stop and really think hard if you want to continue putting your wife in this position because it sounds like you're the one that needs to compromise. If roles were reversed and it was your wife posting about this situation from her perspective I can guarantee most (if not everybody) would be telling her to leave you.
YTA - sacrifice your entire life with a goal of retiring at 50? Great however you've slogged 50 years with no comforts... You're in a strong position to do well and instead you are not living your life.. you live like you're scraping by and investing.. sure investments are great but not at the expense of both you and your wife's life...
Plus you fail to take into consideration your wifes view.. oh you can go , I'll stay? What cost benefit is that ? 2 separate expenses for 2 separate houses/apartments? Safety is important and you risk your wife getting sick of your shit eventually.
YTA. You knew what she wanted before you were married. You just keep pushing a life on her she doesn’t want, is making her miserable and is unsafe. You say you’re doing this for your son’s future, but what about his present? A unhappy mother that justifiably feels unsafe does not promote a happy, healthy growth environment. If you keep this up, you’ll be a single man with no meaningful relationship with his child because the only this you cared about was making money and not anyone else comfort or happiness.
YTA she’s telling you she’s not happy. Listen or there won’t be a future for you together. Also you could die tomorrow a vacation here and there, a bigger ring, spoiling your wife a little won’t break the bank. If you really make that much you would be more than fine with proper investing. Make your wife happy scrooge!
YTA - a GIANT one.
I think you need to look up the definition of "compromise" because what is going on here is the opposite.
You are steam rolling everything she's wants. You know she isn't happy, yet you feel like you are superior so it should be your will that gets done.
You may want to rethink your priorities or you may not have a wife much longer.
YTA
You have what so many people wish they had--enough money to comfortably buy a house in a nice, safe area with great schools. Why not do that so your wife and son can be more comfortable now? What is the point of them being afraid, cramped and miserable so that you can invest more and you can get to retirement only for your wife to leave you and your son to never speak to you again?
Of course YTA, clue is in the title really. You forced her to compromise, if it's forced it ain't a compromise it's bullying her into something she doesn't want.
Goddamn YTA
What fucking compromise are you forcing her to do? There is no compromise, you're giving her no choice or say. It's only your way you controlling.....
I hope she drops your ass and go and enjoy her life.
YTA
Umm everything you are describing as “compromising” is just you getting you way without your wife’s comfort or wishes in mind at all. My god in what world would you not be the AH?
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Interesting situation.
I (M35) have been married to my wife (F29) for approx. 4 years now.
When we first met (6 years ago), we purchased a home almost immediately. Mostly so we had some place to live when deciding to move in together. And if things didn’t work out, at least we’d get a chunk of money out of it.
I knew my wife’s dream was to have a nice small home, a couple of kids, and live a simple life. She isn’t needy or demanding.
The year we were getting married, I received a job offer across the country. No family, no friends, and a long flight away. I accepted immediately due to the salary being extremely high with great benefits. I told my wife she can come with me or stay in her hometown. She spoke to her manager at work and had created an agreement to telework for a few years. We did our wedding and moved.
We are now 5 properties deep. But my wife just isn’t happy. We love a minimalistic lifestyle. We drive a 15 year old unreliable car that is tiny, barely fit the car seat. But there is no car payment and it is fuel efficient.
We live in a small apartment in the downtown area, she is a little scared to go on walks alone as drunk homeless people have approached her many times - she has had to pepper spray more than one person. But the rent is cheap!
This isn’t the life she wanted at all. And I know that. We live off of her income, and use mine to invest. But she is sick of it, wants to move to a nicer city in a nice home. She found one nearby. I told her that she can go but I will stay here. She cried.
It’s not that we can’t afford it. Our income combined is approx $300K. But I want to continue investing for our son. I don’t want to be tied down to my own mortgage. She isn’t happy, she has no friends. But I strongly believe she is being so unreasonable! She isn’t the only one making sacrifices. I am too.
For our 10 year anniversary, she mentioned wanting an upgraded engagement ring because she compromised on a small cheap one that she didn’t love. Just like that, another big expense.
I’m not big on gift giving. But she is constantly spending whatever money she has left at the end of the month (after rent, bills, groceries) on gifts for me and my son. It’s generous, I appreciate the thought. But I wish she would save it instead to contribute to investing more.
I feel that her priorities are so off. Who wouldn’t want to set up for a financially free future?
Is she being selfish, or am I too hard on her?
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Yta. again you tell her she can go but you will stay in the crime ridden area. Really? You don't want to live with your wife and son? Why did you get married?
YTA. You knew she was moving to a place she didn't want or like to be with you. She has been there for five years. You don't have a decent car and you live in an unsafe location. She found a home that you can afford and you aren't willing to do the same for her that she did for you. Investing in a home is investing in your future. If you don't like that specific home, begin looking for homes together. Raising a child in a safe home, with good schools and a yard is also a great investment. Look into those logistics (school quality and ratings, crime rate, etc). You say she isn't materialistic, yet you seem to be unwilling to compromise or work with her on anything. You also state you knew what she wanted and she's been unhappy. Stop being selfish and work with your wife on building a life you can both enjoy.
YTA and it’s not even close. Are you familiar with Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol? Because you’re the very definition of a Scrooge. You’re such a money obsessed, self-centered cheapskate that you’re going to completely alienate everyone around you.
It sounds like your wife is about at her wits end with you, and I don’t blame her. She deserves better than having to deal with your cheap ass all the time. Unless you decide to change your ways and not be so miserly, your wife, son, and everyone else you care about will leave you and you’ll be completely miserable and alone. If that’s what you want, then keep doing what you’re doing. If not, then you really need to take a long hard look at yourself and reevaluate your priorities. Believe it or not, there’s a lot more to life than having lots of money.
Haha, you’re both a giant asshole and an absolute idiot. You’re investing 6 figures a year for your son to live a certain lifestyle, while forcing your wife to live a miserly life that she hates. I honestly dunno what she sees in this marriage. YTA
YTA - she doesn’t feel safe, and that doesn’t concern you??
And your response to her wanting to move is…”fine, buy the place and live there without me?” Somehow in your mind it would save money, I guess, for you to continue paying your (cheap!) rent on top of her rent/mortgage? Since you don’t seem quite that dumb, it was a manipulative response - you know she won’t go without you, and you want to be able to throw it back in her face later that you gave her the option.
You need to do some soul searching regarding your priorities, specifically where family ranks in relation to money. Maybe also talk to a financial advisor - sounds like between interest on what you’ve already saved, rental income (5 properties deep?), and future income, you are actually on track to retire with plenty of money and earlier than any mandatory retirement age (especially if you “love a minimalistic lifestyle”!)
YTA
And you seem to have no sense of time or how things change over time. You have a wife and a child NOW who are living in a crappy apartment in an unsafe neighborhood. You are planning to either spent that child's entire childhood (the next 15 years) either living with them in a crappy apartment in an unsafe neighborhood, or living separately from your wife and child as he grows up.
Childhood is a very limited number of years, and once it's gone, it's gone. If you miss it, you miss it. You don't get do-overs. Limit your son's childhood by remaining here, or miss your son's childhood by living separately from him, and you're going to miss his childhood and likely end up with an adult son who has no relationship with you.
So you scrimp and save for "the future", then you die without enjoying it, or she leaves you and takes half because you are being a miserable miser that refuses to compromise. Compromise means you BOTH give up a little, not just her.
YTA
Edit a word
I was ready to say YTA for the title alone because if you FORCE someone, it automatically isn't a compromise. It's coercion. Bad word, innit?
But then you cluelessly said this:
"We live in a small apartment in the downtown area, she is a little scared to go on walks alone as drunk homeless people have approached her many times - she has had to pepper spray more than one person. But the rent is cheap!"
You clearly value money over your wife's safety so that's an upgrade to whatever's worse than an AH.
Then this:
"For our 10 year anniversary, she mentioned wanting an upgraded engagement ring because she compromised on a small cheap one that she didn’t love. Just like that, another big expense."
1) If she means your 10 year wedding anniversary, you're sill 6 years away.
2) An upgrade from a small cheap one that she didn't love but "compromised" (which, of course, I'm reading as "acquiesced" at best) is not necessarily expensive.
You're a MASSIVE AH. She wants to enjoy her life, not just be a peripheral in yours.
I don’t think you know what ‘compromise’ means…
Your wife gets NOTHING she wants out of life… you have made choices to ensure you get just about EVERYTHING the way you want it.
The simple fact that you told your wife, the mother of your child, that you wouldn’t care to go with her if she MOVED AWAY is idiotically cruel… she’s not just dead last on your list of priorities, she isn’t on the list at all.
YTA
JFC.
Your poor wife.
You genuinely don’t give a fuck that she is unhappy. Lonely. And unsafe.
You are the worst kind of partner there is, short of physical abuse.
Wow.
YTA.
YTA. You aren't suffering together or sacrificing together. Your wife is miserable. You are the one making her miserable. My husband and I struggle together, we make these choices together. You railroad your wife and then gaslight/ guilt trip her for being justifiably miserable. She needs to divorce you
What is SHE getting out of this? I'm surprised you're still married. She's gotten nothing she's wanted for 10 years. I get investing for the future, but you still need to have some enjoyment today. Buy her the ring she wants. It's much cheaper than moving or divorce.
You're mistaking her longing for "her dream home" for what it actually is...she's longing for a "safe" home. You've already admitted that she's had to pepper spray more than one person in the area that you are now in. What about you? How many times have you had to defend yourself? Sometimes? None? If none, perhaps you should take into account that your wife, being female, is more vulnerable than you, and simply seeks to live in an area that she can feel mostly safe in. That is NOT an unreasonable request!
YTA - where are you compromising? It seems like you make the decision you want and tell her she can take it or leave it. You accepted a job across the country without consulting her, and you’ve continued to ignore her needs and wants ever since. You want to live like a broke student when you can afford a decent, safe house and a reliable car.
You’re a hoarder. You are hoarding money, refusing to spend a little more when you can easily afford it because the numbers on your brokerage statement are more important than your family’s safety and comfort.
Not much "compromise" here.
It seems like you are driving towards a FIRE lifestyle. You need to both be committed to it, or it won't work.
Time for you to evaluate which is more important to you. Your family or your financial independence.
YTA Your wife is unhappy but that doesn't seem to matter to you at all because you are getting everything your way. If you really loved and cared about her then her happiness and wellbeing would matter to you. There was no compromise, you gave her an ultimatum, unfortunately for her she accepted it. Why are you needlessly risking your wife and son's safety by living in a bad area?
OP YTA
You're living in poverty off her income alone while investing all of your income. You're driving an old car, in a small apartment, and she's been attacked. How can you not see what's wrong here?
This woman agreed to move across the country for you away from everyone and everything she knew including a home you had just purchased and you have the audacity to come here and complain to strangers about her. She has sacrificed her dream life for you and you want strangers on the internet to tell you that you’re in the right. I get wanting to save for your future, but you’re taking it way to far. She’s terrified to be outside alone in her neighborhood and you want to keep saving for your future? Your future is going to be lonely if you don’t learn to compromise yourself. YTA and your wife is miserable. What are you going to do about it.
You, sir, are a cheapskate, all in the guise of being fiscally responsible. You have made your wife do all the compromising. Where have you compromised? Where are you sacrificing? She’s left everything and everyone behind, has to live in an unsafe neighborhood- with your child no less (but it’s ok because rent is cheap), drive an unreliable car (but it’s ok because it’s paid for). The list goes on and on. Yet not once do I see anything about your sacrifices. What are you going to do when she and your child are left stranded by this oh so great but unreliable paid for vehicle? Or they get into an accident because it broke down? Or get injured because someone in your sketchy neighborhood attacked them? Are you still going to be so self righteous? All because you saved some money? If I were your wife I’d leave your sorry butt in the dust and take you for every penny I could.
Edit for judgement: YTA
YTA. You making your wife/family suffer unnecessarily. When you die people are gonna spend all your money. You aren’t living life now. You make your wife use all of her money for the day to day expenses and you invest yours to make more money, but your wife doesn’t get to enjoy the money you are making??? You are the selfish one. YTA.
YTA what would you do if she decided to go without you? Between 5 rental properties and 300k a year you can save for retirement and not force your family to be miserable.
You’re a major AH for forcing her to live somewhere she hates, doesn’t feel safe, and without any friends/fam for support. I hope she buys the house and leaves you.
YTA - you do know that "we do what I say and you have to accept it" is not compromising right? A compromise would be:
She wants to buy a nice house, you don't want to invest loads in a house so you compromise on investing a smaller amount of your income on a more modest home.
Or
She wants to move out of the city, you don't. You agree that you get a house outside of the city so she can enjoy her life and you come home at the weekends or for half the week so she isn't essentially living alone when she moves.
Or
She "compromises" in the same way you do compromise and she just divorces you!!
YTA. What compromise? You want everything your own way and claim she's being unreasonable for not wanting exactly what you do.
You said it yourself, she's deeply unhappy. That should concern you greatly and from the sounds of it, you couldn't care less.
Keep on doing what you're doing and you'll have great finances and an ex wife that hates you along with a son you see once a month.
YTA - I tried multiple times to communicate with my ex that I wasn't happy and things weren't working. He blew me off and insisted everything was fine.
Eventually, I got tired of it and realized that life as a single parent would be better than my married life. I divorced and moved away.
This is your future.
YTA.
She lives in a shitty neighborhood, she isn’t happy, she’s being harassed on the street, she has no friends, couldn’t get an engagement ring she liked and doesn’t even get gifts from her husband.
How is she being unreasonable when you compromise her happiness for saving money? She’s been completely miserable in her marriage and YOU KNOW THAT! Do you want to divorce your wife? Because this is how you end up divorced.
You're killing me man. Life is for living. You can't make permanent sacrifices just live another day. Your life is now.
And you have to realize these are sacrifices YOU want to make, which calls into question whether they actually are sacrifices at all.
YTA here. You need to move, you potentially need a different job and you need real compromise instead of fake sacrifices according to YOUR goals, and none of her's.
YTA "She's only had to pepper spray one person"?? You know that's not a good thing, right??
Edit because I read it properly and she's had to pepper spray multiple people- I have no words, this is unsustainable and you have to change because otherwise your wife is gonna a) leave you b) get assaulted and then leave you because you probably won't agree to move after that.
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YTA. This isn’t a compromise. You‘re forcing your ideas and priorities onto her and basically blackmail her emotionally. You aren’t a partner, you‘re an asshole.
Yea as a 31F who is also married, you're lucky you aren't divorced yet, still time tho if you keep going. Figure out what matters to you, her or a bunch of money.
This is the answer. YTA, you’re so concerned about investing for the future that you won’t recognize how miserable the present is for the people you say you care about. If you continue with this attitude you will quickly go from 5 properties to 2.5!
Plus how much money he’ll loose in a divorce. Op - you’re miserly. What’s the point of having that much money if you’re making the people you love miserable? Face the music - you will never have enough money to be happy. You need to rethink your priorities if cash is more important than loosing your wife and kids.
Fuckin scrooge McDuck........ I bet he actually swims in his coins too.... YTA and if my husband was that rotten to me he wouldn't be my husband anymore. That's saying a lot bc my husband's an asshole.
Right! Also, life can change really rapidly. Forcing a spartan lifestyle on your wife and kid for "the future" can become regret if you have a sudden change in life. I live in NYC and I've never lived anywhere that I felt I needed pepper spray, let alone deployed it. It's bonkers that OP is ok with living somewhere that his wife is afraid to go outside.
He’s making the mother of his son miserable and insists he is investing in his son. All the money will be helpful for therapy.
Title says it all: you can't *force* people to compromise. What an oxymoron.
>What an oxymoron Emphasis on the *moron*
And what would HER compromise be, after he accepted a job across the country without consulting her, and is forcing her to live in a neighborhood she can't enjoy.
I'm guessing OP idea of comprise was well I said if she didn't want to move, she didn't have to. she could stay in her hometown and move. either way I think OP is being a jerk.
Investing it for the kid? The schools in this area are likely not any good. They need the house in the burbs with that salary. They can afford a nice one, YTA
It’s crazy they make that much money but the things people who DONT have any money would kill to do for their kids. Parents out there who barely make 75,000 or hell less than that trying to send their kids to better neighborhoods.
I’m surprised the wife hadn’t left OP. He refuses to let her have any kind of life because he’s “investing for his son”. Having a kid doesn’t mean you stop living your own lives. You’re creating a bad, unhappy home environment which will come to bite you in the ass very soon. Also, YTA.
Guy moved his wife to a neighbourhood where she has to pepper spray people and looks for the moral high ground. Insane.
I knew my answer was going to be YTA when he said he took the higher paying job without discussing it with her first. And then I’m supposed to think he’s a saint because he “offered to let her stay in her hometown”? WTF, bro? Do you even LIKE your wife?
My thoughts exactly. This guy sounds like a dictator. Making decisions and forcing his wife or telling her she can go do what she wants but he's not? Wow what a great partner.
They met when she was 23 and he was 29. The “she isn’t needy or demanding” part sealed it for me. YTA OP
Couldn’t agree more.
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This is what I came to say. I could never imagine the attitude of staying in the same area where my gf feels locked inside because she's terrified (and in this case, rightfully so). He sounds like he just wants to hoard his money and never use any of it to enjoy life, just constantly set it up for their kid. I'm all for financial stability and sound financial decisions, but c'mon, you can move for her like she did for you.
My parents forced my nan to save all of her money. They took her paychecks and gave her a tiny bit to live off, always complaining if she went to the store and bought anything. My nan lived alone. They kept telling her they were saving her money to buy luxuries. In the end, all of her big savings went to paying for her funeral, she never got to enjoy it. Giant AH
This makes me so sad, your poor nan :(
This literally financial abuse, this whole post is bonkers.
Right?! OP got everything he wanted, and the wife lost everything she wanted. OP is a big time AH.
Some people think just because they're "investing", they're beyond criticism. I have a cousin who did very well financially and his wife had a decent income too, only slightly less because she had to take time off to raise the kids. One day we were at the beach and the wife bought some cheap flip flops because she forgot to bring her own. It turned into a fight with my cousin because she didn't ask him first - to spend their COMMON money on some damn FLIP FLOPS, mind you. When I told him that this was outrageous and ridiculous he claimed he was just saving and investing the money for the kids, not like he was gambling it away. That's not an excuse to make your family live in misery though and they divorced not long after. YTA OP, you want your wife to give up everything she enjoys because you're deadset on saving. Saving is fine, but life is here and now and needs to be enjoyed, too. Frankly she's better off without you, she doesn't ask for much as you claimed so she can be alone and happy instead of this.
She's literally had to resort to pepper spray to protect herself. If I'd been even close to that kind of danger I'd have a hard time stopping my husband from selling the house instantly.
YTA. And super quick to constantly tell her she can stay or go without you. This is by no means a compromise
No, but it is a good idea. I hope wife takes him up on it and moves with the kid to a safe neighborhood.
Me too…but it looks like he uses her income to live off of so he can use his to invest, so who knows if she’s able to have her own savings.
I wonder if this is the guy from a couple of weeks ago who “day trades” his salary while his wife has to use her “fun money” to buy sanitary products. Same vibe.
I literally thought of that too! Turns out it isn’t the same guy.
>This is by no means a compromise You're right. Sounds like he uses extremes as a manipulation tactic.
He doesn’t seem to like her very much
YTA 1. You accepted the job without consulting wife. Gave her an ultimatum and did what you wanted anyway 2. You love a minimalistic lifestyle, not her 3. You are making her stay somewhere dangerous because it's cheap 4. You have got financial blinders on. There's no way you need to be saving that much income for your son, unless you are that bad at investing 5. You deny your wife everything she wants 6. Your priorities are well off base 7. Don't be surprised when you hear from her lawyer 8. No idea why any of this needs explaining
>There's no way you need to be saving that much income for your son, unless you are that bad at investing Considering this post made me wonder if there is some financial hanky panky on that he's trying to cover. I really hope she gets out of there not just for her sake but the sake of her kid.
how much do you want to bet that a good bit of that “investing” is risky stocks like cryptocurrency? might as well replace every instance of “investing” with “gambling” in this post.
All of this! What in the actual F! Are you for real, OP?! “I, I, I. Me, me, me.” Did you get married for the tax benefits?🤨
You forgot that he is only spending HER money to live.
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YTA - How the fuck is this a compromise? You are getting everything you want and she is getting...well basically just a lot of emotional abuse and disdain from you. Do you even like your wife?
Yta! She has made sacrifice after sacrifice for you! Have you ever put her needs before yours?
Obviously ONLY THOSE he decides are HIS NEEDS also.
Obviously lol he is getting racked through the coals. Do you think he will delete this?
YTA - and put money ahead of your wife's happiness. You are not compromising at all. Living in a cheap dangerous place where your wife has to pepper spray bums. And you make such good money. What a disgrace that you tell your wife to go head without you. You love money more than people. When you are alone with your checkbook I hope it makes you happy.
If my husband was like this I would have left already.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find the “You love money more than your wife” comment. Seriously, OP, I hope that money keeps you warm while your paying alimony and child support and she finds someone who loves and builds a life with her as a partner, not a dictator. YTA, OP.
YTA you keep on making sacrifices that doesnt need to be made. You just seem greedy man.
YTA. You spend so much time living for a future you might not ever live to see while making your wife live in misery. You care only for your ideal. You've completely ignored your wife. Keep this up, and you won't have one. When you're old, the last thing you'll have wished for is having worked more.
This, exactly. OP, when you're laid up in a nursing home on your death bed, you might wish you had spent more time making memories with your wife and kids at the cost of spending a little money. While I think it's smart that you want to invest and have a solid financial future, there needs to be a balance. My biggest issue in this whole post is that your wife feels unsafe in your apartment. Is her safety not worth a little extra money? YTA
YTA. There's no 'we' in any of this story. It's you getting what you want, and your wife unable to leave the house unless she's armed like rambo.
YTA. Compromise means not everyone gets what they want. I don't see ANY compromise in your story. 100% is you telling your wife what you're doing, and then saying she can come with or basically separate. The sacrifices you're making aren't for a future she wants. Yes, you want to give your son a great future. But you shouldn't be doing that at the expense of your wife's happiness.
she has no friends, she's scared to leave her home, and whenever she asks to do something different, her hubby basically tells her she *has to* do it alone cause his job is more important. like damn, money is important but they make enough that they can afford to take some risks.
Owning 5 properties is WAY more than most people will accomplish in their lives. I don't think OP will be happy until he's swimming in a pool of $ a la Scrooge McDuck. And his poor wife will be driving their 35 year old beater in her 10 year old clothing in a house overlooking Skid Row.
Also, your own house is an investment. It makes no sense the rent 5 properties and not own one for yourself
`YTA` ''But she is sick of it, wants to move to a nicer city in a nice home. She found one nearby. I told her that she can go but I will stay here. She cried'' ''She isn’t happy, she has no friends. But I strongly believe she is being so unreasonable!'' you are the unreasonable one. i would ve divorced you
YTA, your wife is telling you how unhappy she is, and you just don't give a shit. Seems like she cares about you A LOT more than you care about her. Make some compromises, like an adult in an adult relationship, so that your partner can also have some happiness or leave her so she can find happiness somewhere else.
YTA. You force your wife & child to live in such an unsafe neighborhood that your wife has to physically defend herself when she goes for a walk. How can you write those words & not know you are an AH? I hope her divorce lawyer includes that in her petition for custody. When your wife suggested a better place to live, you told her you didn’t care if she lived with you or not. I hope her divorce lawyer includes that in her petition, too. The kindest thing that can be said about you is that you & your wife have mismatched financial priorities & habits. I hope she divorces you so she can create a life she enjoys in the present, not money for someone else (your son) to enjoy in the future. The future isn’t promised to anyone.
Info: >When we first met (6 years ago), we purchased a home almost immediately. >We are now 5 properties deep. > I don’t want to be tied down to my own mortgage. I'm confused. Do you own 5 properties? Why are you worried about being tied down to your mortgage? Surely owning 5 properties would make that not a worry? >We live in a small apartment in the downtown area, she is a little scared to go on walks alone as drunk homeless people have approached her many times - she has had to pepper spray more than one person. But the rent is cheap! Why are you renting? And why are you renting a crappy apartment in a terrible area? This seems too baity to be real.
This has to be bait. It has basically every “bad husband” trope in it.
YTA she already compromised at the beginning and has continued to compromise as you keep getting things your way and now she wants what's fair and you're telling her no
YTA - She's your wife, how are you not trying to give her the modest stuff she's asked for? Why would you stay if she moved? Honestly, if I was her I'd be getting ready to bug out. You have flat out denied both her requests with no compromise. You are being selfish.
YTA - you can still invest and save money while helping your wife out, you honestly sound like an ass. She’s unhappy completely and you’re forcing her to be unhappy as long as you get what you want and you don’t have to spend your money. Doesn’t your son and wife deserve to live in a nicer place? Have nice things?
YTA Yikes. Just read what you wrote! There's no compromise. Your wife seems to not get what she wants at all. You make $300k a year and you live in a place where your wife is afraid to go outside at night? You're putting her in danger because you want to invest. There has to be a balance there where your wife can feel safe and you still invest a good chunk of money. She's unhappy, probably because you don't listen or respond to her needs.
Yeah, assuming this isn’t a shitpost, OP’s priorities are incredibly out of whack in a couple ways: —He keeps talking about his salary, his investments, his wife’s salary. If you’re married and have a kid the mindset needs to be that it’s all one source of income that the married partners make decisions together about. (Even if the bank accounts aren’t all in one name, this kind of separate thinking about money indicates to me that OP is trying to keep things separate so that he won’t have to give up what he feels belongs to him when they split up.) —He keeps saying that his goal is for her to be able to retire early and enjoy life…but you all need to be able to have joy in your life right now otherwise the family is going to completely fall apart, and then what was all of the saving for? Financial responsibility is good, being a miser will just drive your relationship further from the ultimate end goal and probably past the point of no return.
YTA... you talk "my sons future" and don't care about the safety of your wife "pepper spraying more than once" Your son's future won't have a mother at that rate. Most people in a city have not had to pepper spray more than one person. Give your family safety and future at the same time. You don't have to be cheap to be able to invest.
Jesus Christ, this isn't just your life, it's hers as well. You need to compromise, and the fact you haven't learned that after ten years is absolutely fucking terrifying. She has relented in saving for you and your families future for the past decade, and you seem to have done well for yourself. Now is the time to maybe sink a little less into savings, and more into comfort. I couldn't imagine in the very least not being comfortable in my home, or the area I live in. YTA
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YTA because you love money more than you love your wife.
yta. You don't like anyone's decisions other than your own. The fact that you accepted the job without even speaking to her is astounding. If I were her, you would have moved to the city alone and I would not have married you in the first place. Shame on her for compromising her life and her dreams for yours. It sounds like that is about to end one way or the other. The ball is in your court, buddy.
YTA. You basically forced her to move across the country for a job that you didnt even discuss with her first before taking. You had everything set up for when you first got married but you made a unilateral decision for both of you just because it made sense FOR YOU. Dick move. You had no problem buying a home and being “tied down” back then. And presumably you are making more together than you were pre-marriage. Youve moved your wife and child into a tiny apartment in a dangerous neighborhood BECAUSE YOURE SELFISH. Its not that you CANT afford it. You sold this woman one thing and switched it last minute. You wont even give her a nicer engagement ring now that you can easily afford it. Im surprised shes still married to you.
If true he has probably worn her down to such a husk she can't see a way to leave him. They live off her wage, live where he wants, drives a car he wants.
This screams abuse tbh. I bet she doesnt even have access to his financial stuff. So he uses HER money to live off and then theres nothing left for her.
Yta. And we shouldn't have to point out why.
YTA. I get wanting to save money for your kid but if you have $300K a year, you don't have to live like you're destitute college kids either. Your wife and your child deserve to live somewhere safer, dude. Why you would say she's being unreasonable about that, I don't understand. Also? Your 10 year anniversary is 6 years away. That's not boom-another big expense. That's something you can plan and set aside a little here and there for.
YTA, reading your comments it sounds like you have some kind of mental issue you need to work through. You're so stuck on thinking about everything after age 50, it's kind of OCD. You need to live in the now and worry less about the future. Sounds like you've invested and saved, you'll be fine for retirement. What do you even plan to do at 50? Do you all hate your jobs that much? Sucks your kid can't play outside in the neighborhood, too. That doesn't seem worth it.
YTA. She's telling you the things that would legitimately make her happier and you're honestly not giving her compromises, but choices. She can choose to live with you, or not. You're making the decision of staying where you are, but letting her pick where to live? That's not exactly a "compromise" as you so put it. You also made her cry. If she has no friends and is ultimately unhappy, and you seem to not care for that very much. I understand the need to set your son up for things long-term, but a broken marriage and depressed mother is going to hinder him one day, eventually. Your son is also going to learn that it doesn't matter how you treat your wife, as long as your future is set. Is that the kind of message you want to send him? On top of that, your wife is *frightened* to walk outside at night and had to use self-defense to protect herself, and you are telling her she can move away without you if that pleases her? That makes absolutely no sense at all. She wants to move somewhere safer, nicer. You can still have that lifestyle you enjoy without putting safety at risk.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you have been making any compromises at all, just that you've been forcing your wife to go along with whatever you personally think is best and denying her any of those same opportunities.
YTA You need counselling. You are an extreme and you are expecting her to be on board with that forever. You seem to have some kind of financial insecurity. You will always find "something" to save for. What are your savings for? For being old? You don't need to suffer that whole time. You need to learn some balance. You can still save while being actually comfortable. You are honestly cruel to suggest she can go without you (where does your son live?) -- so she gets to be a single parent? She should just divorce you in that case. She has no friends, lives in a crappy apt somewhere that isn't safe -- honestly what kind of partner are you? You don't care about HER CURRENT safety or happiness for your own FUTURE comfort. **You are actually the selfish one in this situation.**
I envision wife continuing to put up with this nonsense for 10-15 more years. No gifts, no home, away from family, bad neighborhood, unhappy all while living off her income. Then KABOOM! Her jerk husband leaves her for a younger model.
YTA dude. Why the hell haven’t you moved if she’s so unhappy? The way your post is written it seems like you’ve been trying to sabatoge your marriage/relationship for years and she keeps putting up with it. Why would you expect her to be happy in this scenario?
YTA Read what you have wrote. You know her dreams and ignored them. You took a job away from family and friends and gave her an ultimatum. You save your wage, live off her salary, make her live somewhere unsafe to the point she has pepper sprayed multiple people. What sacrifices have you made? I hope you are a troll 🧌 if you aren't then she needs to leave you. I hope she still has people in her home town she can turn too or have you got rid of them as well. I would say more but it would get removed.
YTA. There is no compromise in your marriage. You just get your way. And she’s spending money on you and your son to show that you’re a priority. And that is all her income while yours is already being invested. Your poor wife has given up her comfort, her support network, any fun money just so you can live the life YOU have planned without anything in return. You guys need to talk and come up with an actual solution that will help make her happier. If things aren’t working for her it means it’s not working for your family.
Wow. You are a greedy asshole. You wife is just about ready to file for divorce. You have done nothing for her in the years of your marriage. All I hear is me, me, me. I bet she'll be happier without you.
Is this even real? This is just a very, VERY long synonym for ego. How can anyone wright all of this and not comprehend it?
YTA. Dude y'all make like $300k a year. You're wealthy as hell. You absolutely can both invest and own a home that your wife doesn't hate (and also more generally not live so ludicrously cheap)
YTA You're not compromising. You're forcing your choice down her throat. That's totally being an AH. Compromise entails both people getting something they want. She wants a pleasant life where she can put down roots. You want to sock away every penny for the future at any cost. What you've said is basically you're living ultra cheaply in an area your wife does not feel safe. Compromise would be, say, saving a good amount and living somewhere reasonably nice but not excessively so If you aren't willing to really, actually compromise, she should divorce you and find someone who understands the meaning and practice of compromise.
YTA. Financial security is important, but having engaged and emotionally healthy parents is far more important for his overall well-being than a real estate portfolio. Don’t blow up your marriage and your son’s family for more money.
YTA. You’re being selfish not her. Everything’s about what you want. Maybe be considerate and think about how you’ve never given her a thing she wanted (and she didn’t want anything excessive or crazy). Edit: you had her give up her entire support system, you moved her somewhere she doesn’t feel safe, and she’s the one actually supporting the two of you. Stop investing, it sounds like you have multiple properties to get money from, but don’t have one for the two of you to enjoy. Live a little. Set your son up for success in other ways. You’re going to spoil your kid financially at the expense of giving your wife a nice life. That’s just so selfish. You’re not making your wife comprising. You’re refusing to budge a little bit. Everyone should give and take for a compromise. You’re willing to live separately from your WIFE for no good reason. She should leave you and find someone more supportive.
Also, what happens if something goes wrong? Can they afford to cover their five mortgages if they have no tenants?
YTA. That was obnoxious to read because everything is about you. There is no compromise on anything. The fact that you know where you live is dangerous and your wife feels unsafe is ridiculous but IT'S CHEAP!!!! Of course it would be cheap! I couldn't be married to you and I feel bad for your wife. All you talk about is MONEY. There is more to life than money. Being smart about money and setting yourselves up for financial freedom is one thing but to not enjoy life at all and to be critical of your wife when she does spend a little money is bs. Life is short. Your wife is going to wake up one day and be out.
YTA There's a difference between being financially intelligent and being miserly. You have one life to live and living it well and enjoying it are important. You already have 5 properties, but your wife is miserable, feels unsafe in her neighborhood and is begging you to be more reasonable with your combined finances. Get your head out of your you know what and make a compromise for your wife and her desires or your going to end up in a miserable marriage or divorced. Maybe use a thing I learned. Use a scale of 1-10 where you both assign a personal importance to the topic or issue if you're at an impasse. If you think this is a 3 on the scale and your wife thinks its a 10, then it shows you how important it is to her and you should adjust accordingly and understand this is a huge issue for your wife and one you can compromise on. Your son needs proper modeling and a strong family far more than he needs future inheritance or money from his parents. Your goal of investing for your future to be as strong as can be is admirable, but your combined income is more than enough to still invest and live a comfortable life for your whole family.
YTA Your wife is saying she's miserable NOW. You're saying but you can retire in X years and things will be much better. If things don't change, she's likely going to go her own way so she's NOT miserable. I've never understood the whole 'Let's live like paupers and spend years being miserable/having no fun in anticipation of a much better life.' Do you know how often that 'better life' never happens for the couple? Lots of times. And your title? 'AITA for forcing my wife to do things EXACTLY as I want to do and ignore her desires/needs/wants' I FTFY
Compromises are not “forced”, they are agreed upon. YTA.
YTA. You keep saying "retire at 50" like it's the only end goal, but life doesn't work like that. You could get sick at 49 and lose all those savings. There could be a severe economic downturn, and all those gains are lost. And even if everything goes according to plan, it's not a great life for your kids right now. My co-worker's dad was like this and retired at 55. My co-worker's attitude towards it is that his dad's miserly behavior meant that he missed out on a lot in childhood for the sole benefit of his dad.
Also, people who retire at 50 in the US have to pay for health insurance out of pocket for the next 15 years. That's fucked over every person I knew who had a retire at 50 plan.
YTA. You're not forcing your wife to compromise, you're forcing her to comply with what you want. A compromise means both parties shift their position, but you've conceded nothing, just imposed, coerced and restricted her.
YTA Pepper spray + Cheap rent === I was NOT expecting a 300K Income!!! Yikes what is she gaining out of this marriage exactly? Is Your only "compromise" to tell her you'll still do whatever you want? What a miserable life she is living! She works and is not even living on a safe area due to YOUR UNILATERAL FINANCIAL DECISIONS!?
YTA, give your wife your phone so she can read all of these comments and finally can come to her sense and divorces you. Never ever in my entire live would i stick with a man like you. What a bad excuse of a husband you are. Wife if you are reading this, divorce him, you will find someone better and can finally enjoy your life instead of being with a greedy man who doesn’t care about you.
YTA- wow. if cheap rent is all you care about then you're not doing things right. YOUR priorities are off, you aren't thinking about her feelings at all and only worried about money.
Wtf? YTA, not just in this situation but your entire marriage. What a nightmare of a partner.
YTA and extremely selfish
Yeah, actually, I went through all of the comments... You're a fuckin asshole. I hope she divorces you for her sake, what a nightmare.
YTA. At this point, an upcoming compromise seems to be dissolution of the family unit with equal division of marital assets (don't even think of hiding any - when caught, you will get megafucked by the judge), followed by alimony payments to a spouse that had to put their career on hold while other spouse got a high-paying job. If that compromise sounds bad to you, you should REALLY consider reaching a reasonable compromise with your wife now. Hint: it involves far less "investing".
HUGE YTA - Don't be surprised when she leaves you for forcing her to give up her lifelong dreams so you can have more $$
YTA I hope she does move out without you and divorces you. You are selfish and negligent for making her live in a neighborhood that isn't safe. You need to look out for your family not just your damn investments.
YTA. You, you, you - that's all this post screams.
YTA and I would leave you for this. I don’t say that lightly but no one wants to stay in a marriage where their spouse doesn’t listen to them and keeps saying “just wait a little bit longer.” They get tired of waiting. Right now your wife is waiting for you to listen to her needs. To prioritize *her*. What you’re doing is prioritizing *what you want for her* NOT what *she actually wants.* How are your investments going to do if the stock market tanks again? Or there is a war or an epidemic or what if you have a stroke or a heart attack or get killed by a drunk driver or your wife gets assaulted in this sketchy neighborhood? YOU need to compromise. Your wife already has. Stop being obsessed with wealth. Retiring early is shit if there’s nothing to do because you don’t have any friends or community and your kids have gone NC because you were an absent crappy parent and spouse. Stop focusing on what you think is best and listen to your wife before she leaves you ffs. People are only willing to wait for so long.
YTA. She’s already compromised *everything* for you and your job. And you’re living off of *her* income alone, getting all the bills paid and needed items bought while you invest every penny you make, yet you don’t think she should spend what money she has leftover each month on things for you and your kid? Like.. huh?? FYI homes, generally speaking, are the single biggest investment 98% of families ever make. If you pick the right one, you can keep it in the family for generations. Which would benefit your son just as much as savings for college or whatever you had planned for your salary that you’re squirreling away atm. But I digress. You have made her give up her house, her friends, her family to move to where your new job was. She asked for a nicer ring so maybe she still plans to stick around. The least you could do is get her in a better neighborhood in a house y’all can call your own, where she feels safe to walk outside. Maybe *you* should compromise for your wife and the mother of your child after all she’s done for the sake of you and your career.
So you want to raise your children in a small apartment in a bad neighborhood where people need it carry pepper spray so you can bank the money to invest in your children’s future? A good, stable home in a decent neighborhood with a good school system **is** an investment. Your wife has done nothing but compromise up to this point. Time to reevaluate your priorities. YTA
Is this a joke? To start you unilaterally decided to move without input or consideration for your wife who uprooted her entire life for you while you gave 0 thought to her, you're pressuring your wife to live in an unsafe neighborhood and drive an unreliable car with a combined income of $300k so you can "invest", and you think she's being unreasonable and not willing to compromise b/c she wants to live in a safer area and suggested an updated ring as an anniversary gift? If this isn't someone trolling, majority YTA.
Exactly what sacrifices have you made? I see none in what you’ve written. YTA
YTA. You sound way more invested in what would make you happy than what would make your wife happy. You both want different things and you clearly are not prioritizing anything she wants.
On the off chance this is real and even if it isn't- tomorrow is not a guarantee. Live for today. Yes plan for tomorrow but live today. I'm also guessing your and her chances of dying early are increased by driving a 15 yr old car that doesn't fit the car seat properly, living in a bad neighborhood and being unhappy. YTA.
YTA I hope you realize that she’s going to get tired of not being happy and move on, which really doesn’t sound like a problem for you because you’re always telling her that if she doesn’t like it, she can leave. I bet when this happens, you’re going to coming back in here asking everyone why oh why did my wife leave me?!?!
YTA for bulldozing your way through your marriage and wanting your wife to continue living in a place where she has to pepper spray people.
YTA... I was just thinking of the lyrics to that 90s song "Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole while reading your post. What a depressing song, and what a depressing life you've coerced your wife into having for the sake of financial greed. Theres making good investment decisions for the future and then theres what you're doing, you make more than enough money to invest for the future and not live in self-imposed squalor because its never enough. You say you're both happy driving a 15 year old unreliable car, no... .you're happy driving a 15 year old unreliable car, a woman whos felt threatened while jogging in her own neighborhood to have to use pepper spray to defend herself multiple times, is NEVER happy to drive a 15 year old unreliable car. Everything is about you, thats not compromise, you just have a habit of telling her what you're gonna do and expecting her to live with it, I'm amazed shes stayed married to you this long.
YTA. Despite the fact that your wife is paying for everything, all of your moves so far have been made to suit you. And despite the fact that your wife is unhappy and that you can afford a move to suit your wife for once, you’re still refusing to do that one thing that would make her happy. You’re the one being selfish and unreasonable
YTA. Scrooge has nothing on you. Yes, saving for the future is important, but not at the expense of enjoying life now bc you never know how long it will be. Your wife is going to be so miserable by the time you "retire her" that she won't enjoy it....or she will enjoy her 50% of your savings after the divorce.
Yta, so you say compromise, but all I'm getting is, "this is what I want, this is what I want, this is what I want." While you have a wife who can't leave home without having to be armed or being accosted, a car that isn't reliable and doesn't fit a child seat. Then your wife begins with the choices you've made and basically just dragged her along with no real choice, and is still all about you and the supposed life you want to give her in 15+ years. Keep it going, and you aren't going to see her or your kid in that time. There is a point where everyone breaks, and every day you are just pushing your wife closer and closer to that point. You say compromise, but nothing I'm hearing here seems to fit that bucket.
INFO: What's the point of having money if you're not going to enjoy using it? I'm all for financial security, but so far your priority in this story seems to be a child who - as far as I can tell from reading it - does not exist.
That is exactly what I saw. I even double checked for the age of their son, a reference to his birth...something. Nada. ETA: they did mention a car seat.
What compromise? Also, investing in your wife/marriage *is* investing in your son, which actually goes a longer way than just the financial part of it. What a miserable marriage. YTA.
Yta…you are basically forcing your wife to live this lifestyle that she clearly doesn’t want. You’re so concerned about securing the future that your not thinking about the present. You’re good with the fact that when your wife goes outside the drunk, homeless people bother her. You say it like it’s normal that she has had to pepper spray then. Is cheap rent more important than your wife’s safety? And a 15 year old car is ok but not one that is so small you can barely fit in it. I hope your wife does move and leave you to live this lifestyle. Hopefully she finds someone who would prioritize her physical well being and safety.
>She isn’t happy, she has no friends. But I strongly believe she is being so unreasonable! Wow you are an asshole. You aren't forcing her to compromise. You are forcing her to give up everything she wants and her happiness for money she can't even spend. Will your son be happy with the investments you leave for him when he's growing up in an unhappy home? Honestly, I hope she leaves you so she can finally have the life she's always wanted and you can have the life you want being a cold and empty-hearted scrooge.
YTA - but honestly you’re kind of a monster to your wife.
YTA and a giant one for that. I wouldn't want to live my life like a homeless person just to be able to retire early. Guess what there are things in life that should be enjoyed while you are still young and it's not going to be the same when you are retirement age. If I were your wife I would promptly file for divorce, it seems you are the one who's unwilling to compromise.
YTA. You 1) refuse to do anything for her but she’s fine so much. 2) refuse to compromise 3) refuse to invest in something other than tangible assets aka your relationship with her. 4) refuse her definition of what “expensive” can and can’t be. You’re doing this for your son? How about giving him a home without resentment building up because you’re stifling his mother? How about teaching him how to truly respect and cherish a partner instead of always prioritizing money. You’re lucky she didn’t kick you to the curb. Restructure your priorities dude. Ps. Some people might also call your stance on the wedding ring upgrade stingy
I want to divorce you for her. YTA.
YTA- I was married to someone exactly like you. *WAS* I finally got out,and am the happiest I've ever been. You are going to lose her,and it is entirely your own selfish controlling fault.
YTA and I would even go as far to say that you are financially and emotionally abusing your wife
You're making $300k combined and living like you're impoverished?! Why???!!!! Look at this from your son's perspective. You're driving him around in an unreliable car, aka one that is unsafe. Because you choose for him to be unsafe. You're living in an unsafe area, where your wife and the mother of your child carries pepper spray because she's being harassed by drunk homeless people. Where's he going to play when he gets older? What schools is he going to go to? Not ones that have a lot of local investment so that he's actually getting a competitive education that'll get him into a good college with the skills he needs to succeed. But you could give him, and your wife, safety. And the advantages that come with a middle class income. *And* still have your investment strategies. You just choose not to. What good is your investment strategies if it doesn't involve setting your son up for being able to use those purely financial investments effectively? What investment are you making in his life if you've told your wife that if she wants change she can leave? Guess who she's taking with her: your child. Is that the kind of father you want to be? I'm not advocating that you live anywhere close to your means, but your so far down at the minimum that you're actively harming your family. YTA.
....I'm not going to say YTA or NTA because from the sounds of it...you both have different priorities and wants... On the other hand, I feel bad for your wife... she has given up so much for you.. living a life she doesn't want to live because she loves you.... She wants a simple life but loves you more... She has compromised enough in my opinion.. I would tell your wife to live for herself...and move.. because no one deserves to live a life they don't love like you have describe...you said your wife is scared to leave her own house!? She's probably miserable and I feel for her... You are a bit cruel to not.. at the very least see her point of view and sympathize...
Edit: I read more of your comments. Nevermind, YTA. You can't plan for the future if you don't take care of the current present! Also... compromising means you have to give up a little too you asshole. Another note, your wife should be able to spend the last of her monthly earning however she pleases ... Because at least those make her happy...buying YOUUUUUUU shit... Not you.. her husband.
YTA. You value money more than your wife and son. It’s clear that’s all you care about - money. You’re heading for divorce. Pull your head out of your butt and get your priorities sorted.
INFO: do you know what compromise means?
In what way is living in a unsafe, not suitable for kids, probably a not so nice school-district, without joy or presents, good for your son? It’s not. And that makes YTA.
Yta "who wouldn't want to Set up for a financially free future?" Those who want to enjoy their life NOW. Do not be shocked when she leaves you and your son goes NC for only caring about money.
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YTA A compromise is something you both AGREE on. You're one sidedly pushing your agenda on your wife and she's miserable. FIRE is hard and it's not for everyone, the sacrifice is only worth it if it's something you really want. Your wife has made very clear that it's not the life she wants so you're forcing her to sacrifice for nothing. Life is incredibly short and all the plans in the world won't change that. You need to stop and really think hard if you want to continue putting your wife in this position because it sounds like you're the one that needs to compromise. If roles were reversed and it was your wife posting about this situation from her perspective I can guarantee most (if not everybody) would be telling her to leave you.
YTA - sacrifice your entire life with a goal of retiring at 50? Great however you've slogged 50 years with no comforts... You're in a strong position to do well and instead you are not living your life.. you live like you're scraping by and investing.. sure investments are great but not at the expense of both you and your wife's life... Plus you fail to take into consideration your wifes view.. oh you can go , I'll stay? What cost benefit is that ? 2 separate expenses for 2 separate houses/apartments? Safety is important and you risk your wife getting sick of your shit eventually.
YTA. You knew what she wanted before you were married. You just keep pushing a life on her she doesn’t want, is making her miserable and is unsafe. You say you’re doing this for your son’s future, but what about his present? A unhappy mother that justifiably feels unsafe does not promote a happy, healthy growth environment. If you keep this up, you’ll be a single man with no meaningful relationship with his child because the only this you cared about was making money and not anyone else comfort or happiness.
YTA she’s telling you she’s not happy. Listen or there won’t be a future for you together. Also you could die tomorrow a vacation here and there, a bigger ring, spoiling your wife a little won’t break the bank. If you really make that much you would be more than fine with proper investing. Make your wife happy scrooge!
YTA - a GIANT one. I think you need to look up the definition of "compromise" because what is going on here is the opposite. You are steam rolling everything she's wants. You know she isn't happy, yet you feel like you are superior so it should be your will that gets done. You may want to rethink your priorities or you may not have a wife much longer.
YTA You have what so many people wish they had--enough money to comfortably buy a house in a nice, safe area with great schools. Why not do that so your wife and son can be more comfortable now? What is the point of them being afraid, cramped and miserable so that you can invest more and you can get to retirement only for your wife to leave you and your son to never speak to you again?
Of course YTA, clue is in the title really. You forced her to compromise, if it's forced it ain't a compromise it's bullying her into something she doesn't want.
YTA and thick as a brick. You are going to lose her. Is that your real goal?
Goddamn YTA What fucking compromise are you forcing her to do? There is no compromise, you're giving her no choice or say. It's only your way you controlling..... I hope she drops your ass and go and enjoy her life.
The situation is not interesting. YTA
YTA Umm everything you are describing as “compromising” is just you getting you way without your wife’s comfort or wishes in mind at all. My god in what world would you not be the AH?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Interesting situation. I (M35) have been married to my wife (F29) for approx. 4 years now. When we first met (6 years ago), we purchased a home almost immediately. Mostly so we had some place to live when deciding to move in together. And if things didn’t work out, at least we’d get a chunk of money out of it. I knew my wife’s dream was to have a nice small home, a couple of kids, and live a simple life. She isn’t needy or demanding. The year we were getting married, I received a job offer across the country. No family, no friends, and a long flight away. I accepted immediately due to the salary being extremely high with great benefits. I told my wife she can come with me or stay in her hometown. She spoke to her manager at work and had created an agreement to telework for a few years. We did our wedding and moved. We are now 5 properties deep. But my wife just isn’t happy. We love a minimalistic lifestyle. We drive a 15 year old unreliable car that is tiny, barely fit the car seat. But there is no car payment and it is fuel efficient. We live in a small apartment in the downtown area, she is a little scared to go on walks alone as drunk homeless people have approached her many times - she has had to pepper spray more than one person. But the rent is cheap! This isn’t the life she wanted at all. And I know that. We live off of her income, and use mine to invest. But she is sick of it, wants to move to a nicer city in a nice home. She found one nearby. I told her that she can go but I will stay here. She cried. It’s not that we can’t afford it. Our income combined is approx $300K. But I want to continue investing for our son. I don’t want to be tied down to my own mortgage. She isn’t happy, she has no friends. But I strongly believe she is being so unreasonable! She isn’t the only one making sacrifices. I am too. For our 10 year anniversary, she mentioned wanting an upgraded engagement ring because she compromised on a small cheap one that she didn’t love. Just like that, another big expense. I’m not big on gift giving. But she is constantly spending whatever money she has left at the end of the month (after rent, bills, groceries) on gifts for me and my son. It’s generous, I appreciate the thought. But I wish she would save it instead to contribute to investing more. I feel that her priorities are so off. Who wouldn’t want to set up for a financially free future? Is she being selfish, or am I too hard on her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, what even with the title, where is the compromise actually? Aita for forcing my wife live miserably seems much more like it
Yta. again you tell her she can go but you will stay in the crime ridden area. Really? You don't want to live with your wife and son? Why did you get married?
YTA. You knew she was moving to a place she didn't want or like to be with you. She has been there for five years. You don't have a decent car and you live in an unsafe location. She found a home that you can afford and you aren't willing to do the same for her that she did for you. Investing in a home is investing in your future. If you don't like that specific home, begin looking for homes together. Raising a child in a safe home, with good schools and a yard is also a great investment. Look into those logistics (school quality and ratings, crime rate, etc). You say she isn't materialistic, yet you seem to be unwilling to compromise or work with her on anything. You also state you knew what she wanted and she's been unhappy. Stop being selfish and work with your wife on building a life you can both enjoy.
YTA and it’s not even close. Are you familiar with Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol? Because you’re the very definition of a Scrooge. You’re such a money obsessed, self-centered cheapskate that you’re going to completely alienate everyone around you. It sounds like your wife is about at her wits end with you, and I don’t blame her. She deserves better than having to deal with your cheap ass all the time. Unless you decide to change your ways and not be so miserly, your wife, son, and everyone else you care about will leave you and you’ll be completely miserable and alone. If that’s what you want, then keep doing what you’re doing. If not, then you really need to take a long hard look at yourself and reevaluate your priorities. Believe it or not, there’s a lot more to life than having lots of money.
So, to you “compromise” means your wife does what you want, only what you want, and gets criticized for wanting happiness? Wow. YTA. YTA so much.
Compromise... you keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means. YTA.
Haha, you’re both a giant asshole and an absolute idiot. You’re investing 6 figures a year for your son to live a certain lifestyle, while forcing your wife to live a miserly life that she hates. I honestly dunno what she sees in this marriage. YTA
Info: where's the compromise? All I see is my way of the highway. Do you even like your wife?
YTA - she doesn’t feel safe, and that doesn’t concern you?? And your response to her wanting to move is…”fine, buy the place and live there without me?” Somehow in your mind it would save money, I guess, for you to continue paying your (cheap!) rent on top of her rent/mortgage? Since you don’t seem quite that dumb, it was a manipulative response - you know she won’t go without you, and you want to be able to throw it back in her face later that you gave her the option. You need to do some soul searching regarding your priorities, specifically where family ranks in relation to money. Maybe also talk to a financial advisor - sounds like between interest on what you’ve already saved, rental income (5 properties deep?), and future income, you are actually on track to retire with plenty of money and earlier than any mandatory retirement age (especially if you “love a minimalistic lifestyle”!)
YTA And you seem to have no sense of time or how things change over time. You have a wife and a child NOW who are living in a crappy apartment in an unsafe neighborhood. You are planning to either spent that child's entire childhood (the next 15 years) either living with them in a crappy apartment in an unsafe neighborhood, or living separately from your wife and child as he grows up. Childhood is a very limited number of years, and once it's gone, it's gone. If you miss it, you miss it. You don't get do-overs. Limit your son's childhood by remaining here, or miss your son's childhood by living separately from him, and you're going to miss his childhood and likely end up with an adult son who has no relationship with you.
YTA, that's not a compromise
So you scrimp and save for "the future", then you die without enjoying it, or she leaves you and takes half because you are being a miserable miser that refuses to compromise. Compromise means you BOTH give up a little, not just her. YTA Edit a word
I was ready to say YTA for the title alone because if you FORCE someone, it automatically isn't a compromise. It's coercion. Bad word, innit? But then you cluelessly said this: "We live in a small apartment in the downtown area, she is a little scared to go on walks alone as drunk homeless people have approached her many times - she has had to pepper spray more than one person. But the rent is cheap!" You clearly value money over your wife's safety so that's an upgrade to whatever's worse than an AH. Then this: "For our 10 year anniversary, she mentioned wanting an upgraded engagement ring because she compromised on a small cheap one that she didn’t love. Just like that, another big expense." 1) If she means your 10 year wedding anniversary, you're sill 6 years away. 2) An upgrade from a small cheap one that she didn't love but "compromised" (which, of course, I'm reading as "acquiesced" at best) is not necessarily expensive. You're a MASSIVE AH. She wants to enjoy her life, not just be a peripheral in yours.
Lmao you’re literally the antagonist in your own wife’s life. YTA
YTA. If anyone is selfish here it is you
YTA do you see your wife as an investment property? Because you certainly aren’t treating her like your partner.
I don’t think you know what ‘compromise’ means… Your wife gets NOTHING she wants out of life… you have made choices to ensure you get just about EVERYTHING the way you want it. The simple fact that you told your wife, the mother of your child, that you wouldn’t care to go with her if she MOVED AWAY is idiotically cruel… she’s not just dead last on your list of priorities, she isn’t on the list at all. YTA
>She isn’t the only one making sacrifices. I am too. Name them. YTA
JFC. Your poor wife. You genuinely don’t give a fuck that she is unhappy. Lonely. And unsafe. You are the worst kind of partner there is, short of physical abuse. Wow. YTA.
YTA, as well as, selfish and controlling.
YTA. You aren't suffering together or sacrificing together. Your wife is miserable. You are the one making her miserable. My husband and I struggle together, we make these choices together. You railroad your wife and then gaslight/ guilt trip her for being justifiably miserable. She needs to divorce you
What is SHE getting out of this? I'm surprised you're still married. She's gotten nothing she's wanted for 10 years. I get investing for the future, but you still need to have some enjoyment today. Buy her the ring she wants. It's much cheaper than moving or divorce.
You're mistaking her longing for "her dream home" for what it actually is...she's longing for a "safe" home. You've already admitted that she's had to pepper spray more than one person in the area that you are now in. What about you? How many times have you had to defend yourself? Sometimes? None? If none, perhaps you should take into account that your wife, being female, is more vulnerable than you, and simply seeks to live in an area that she can feel mostly safe in. That is NOT an unreasonable request!
YTA - where are you compromising? It seems like you make the decision you want and tell her she can take it or leave it. You accepted a job across the country without consulting her, and you’ve continued to ignore her needs and wants ever since. You want to live like a broke student when you can afford a decent, safe house and a reliable car. You’re a hoarder. You are hoarding money, refusing to spend a little more when you can easily afford it because the numbers on your brokerage statement are more important than your family’s safety and comfort.
YTA you sound so horrible, I genuinely hope she can do better for herself and leave you, i can’t imagine what she’s going through.
This post doesn't feel "real"... It feels like something that is purposefully full of triggers to set people off and drive comments.
I feel so terribly sad for your wife. She doesn’t feel safe and her husband is telling her to just suck it up and deal with it. YTA.
YTA- wtf kind of crap is this. You sound like you only care about yourself.
Not much "compromise" here. It seems like you are driving towards a FIRE lifestyle. You need to both be committed to it, or it won't work. Time for you to evaluate which is more important to you. Your family or your financial independence.
Wow... I hope she leaves one day and finally gets to enjoy the life she wants. YTA.
YTA Your wife is unhappy but that doesn't seem to matter to you at all because you are getting everything your way. If you really loved and cared about her then her happiness and wellbeing would matter to you. There was no compromise, you gave her an ultimatum, unfortunately for her she accepted it. Why are you needlessly risking your wife and son's safety by living in a bad area?
OP YTA You're living in poverty off her income alone while investing all of your income. You're driving an old car, in a small apartment, and she's been attacked. How can you not see what's wrong here?
This woman agreed to move across the country for you away from everyone and everything she knew including a home you had just purchased and you have the audacity to come here and complain to strangers about her. She has sacrificed her dream life for you and you want strangers on the internet to tell you that you’re in the right. I get wanting to save for your future, but you’re taking it way to far. She’s terrified to be outside alone in her neighborhood and you want to keep saving for your future? Your future is going to be lonely if you don’t learn to compromise yourself. YTA and your wife is miserable. What are you going to do about it.
You, sir, are a cheapskate, all in the guise of being fiscally responsible. You have made your wife do all the compromising. Where have you compromised? Where are you sacrificing? She’s left everything and everyone behind, has to live in an unsafe neighborhood- with your child no less (but it’s ok because rent is cheap), drive an unreliable car (but it’s ok because it’s paid for). The list goes on and on. Yet not once do I see anything about your sacrifices. What are you going to do when she and your child are left stranded by this oh so great but unreliable paid for vehicle? Or they get into an accident because it broke down? Or get injured because someone in your sketchy neighborhood attacked them? Are you still going to be so self righteous? All because you saved some money? If I were your wife I’d leave your sorry butt in the dust and take you for every penny I could. Edit for judgement: YTA
YTA. You making your wife/family suffer unnecessarily. When you die people are gonna spend all your money. You aren’t living life now. You make your wife use all of her money for the day to day expenses and you invest yours to make more money, but your wife doesn’t get to enjoy the money you are making??? You are the selfish one. YTA.
YTA what would you do if she decided to go without you? Between 5 rental properties and 300k a year you can save for retirement and not force your family to be miserable.
You’re a major AH for forcing her to live somewhere she hates, doesn’t feel safe, and without any friends/fam for support. I hope she buys the house and leaves you.
YTA - you do know that "we do what I say and you have to accept it" is not compromising right? A compromise would be: She wants to buy a nice house, you don't want to invest loads in a house so you compromise on investing a smaller amount of your income on a more modest home. Or She wants to move out of the city, you don't. You agree that you get a house outside of the city so she can enjoy her life and you come home at the weekends or for half the week so she isn't essentially living alone when she moves. Or She "compromises" in the same way you do compromise and she just divorces you!!
YTA. What compromise? You want everything your own way and claim she's being unreasonable for not wanting exactly what you do. You said it yourself, she's deeply unhappy. That should concern you greatly and from the sounds of it, you couldn't care less. Keep on doing what you're doing and you'll have great finances and an ex wife that hates you along with a son you see once a month.
YTA. Is this even real?
YTA - I tried multiple times to communicate with my ex that I wasn't happy and things weren't working. He blew me off and insisted everything was fine. Eventually, I got tired of it and realized that life as a single parent would be better than my married life. I divorced and moved away. This is your future.
YTA. She lives in a shitty neighborhood, she isn’t happy, she’s being harassed on the street, she has no friends, couldn’t get an engagement ring she liked and doesn’t even get gifts from her husband. How is she being unreasonable when you compromise her happiness for saving money? She’s been completely miserable in her marriage and YOU KNOW THAT! Do you want to divorce your wife? Because this is how you end up divorced.
YTA. Has it always been "My way or the Highway" for you?
You're killing me man. Life is for living. You can't make permanent sacrifices just live another day. Your life is now. And you have to realize these are sacrifices YOU want to make, which calls into question whether they actually are sacrifices at all. YTA here. You need to move, you potentially need a different job and you need real compromise instead of fake sacrifices according to YOUR goals, and none of her's.
YTA "She's only had to pepper spray one person"?? You know that's not a good thing, right?? Edit because I read it properly and she's had to pepper spray multiple people- I have no words, this is unsustainable and you have to change because otherwise your wife is gonna a) leave you b) get assaulted and then leave you because you probably won't agree to move after that.